#he also was the first person ive ever talked to about the transgender people in sports topic who actually PAID ATTENTION

[altruistic-meme]

highlight of tonight: explaining queer shit to my oldest brother and having him ask the question "what are your thoughts on transgenders in sports?" and me going " First Of All," and holding up 1 finger while everyone else at the table went dead silent. "Transgender people. It is an adjective." and him apologizing and proceeding to say it correctly the rest of the night.

sometimes it's exhausting dealing with people who don't know what they are talking about and think youre even worse than they are. but sometimes you get people who just genuinely don't know and are asking questions as best they can. I'm glad my brother was the second one.

[petewentzisblack1312]

do you have any thoughts as to why fob, despite being very anti-racist, are so associated or friends with racist bands or people?

hmmm youd have to specify which bands and people youre talking about

when it comes to like 21p they first came out of the closet as antiblack with their silence on the ferguson riots and joshs nerd lives matter tweet well after fob went on tour with them, and idk when that taco bell song surfaced. the association comes from a lot of fob fans being introduced to 21p with the save rock and roll tour, and with the fact that theyre an emo act, so theres gonna be a fair bit of overlap there. petes still following them both but i think hes under way more scrutiny on social media so if he unfollowed either of them people would immediately notice and talk about it because people do that all the time constantly.

with post split panic, first of all panic got their start specifically because of pete so theres always going to be that association, plus its still on dcd2. i think a lot of the racist stuff brendon has said has been controversial hot takes he thinks will get people talking about him. any press is good press etc etc. not to say he doesnt believe the stupid shit, i do think he did genuinely think being "transracial" in the rachel dolezal sense was the same as being transgender because hes not a well read or curious individual whatsoever (btw did he ever rescind that statement. i dont recall), but its like a different beast. also ive noticed that the only person in the fob vortex who still follows brendon or patd on instagram is pete, and pete owns the imprint hes on, and again, hes thee Fall Out Boy. so i think thats a case of entaglement.

i cant think of other bands which are associated with fob besides like also being alt acts in which case the alternative and even the hardcore and punk scenes are just like bonkers racist all the time so thats not on them. as for people, i dont know who specifically you may be thinking of but my best guess is either its one of their rock n roll heroes (courtney love) or they do not have the clout to refuse and then deal with the politics that would follow. cowards.

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[axemetaphor]

im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight” celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

[gayregis]

which characters are trans this is a scientific inquiry

all of them except vilgefortz and leo bonhart

ok ok jokes, ill go more in depth... some of this is taken from things ive written before but not posted. also for anyone reading this im non bee nary so know that im not trying to describe the experiences of different identities in first-person, i’m basing this off of both my own and my friends’ experiences... none of this is “OMG YES CHARACTER ANGST >:))” but rather depicting personal struggles in fictional characters, so just know that  the more difficult subjects that may be covered are not there just to see the character in pain, but rather to think about their eventual resilience against it and development afterwards

for geralt and yennefer i have more specific reasons why i think being transgender actually fits with their canonical characters & related story arcs, and then for the rest i have headcanons and maybe some reasoning but not a lot.

geralt: geralt already represents how a struggle with toxic masculinity and expectations of masculinity can influence one who wants to be seen as masculine to deny and bury their emotions. him being trans develops upon the aspect of his struggle with emotions, ive seen my friends who are transmasculine / myself when i used to ID as transmasculine struggle with showing emotions bc of feeling like you’re going to be misgendered if you shed a single tear. in canon, we already learn that kaer morhen has a bit of a macho culture (just fyi eskel and lambert and coen are trans too now, don’t go getting any idea that those guys are cis) and i believe that the “witchers have no emotions” thing is like 5% actual biology and 95% being raised to fight and not to feel. vesemir is a good father but he just wasn’t very emotionally nurturing, it’s the caste’s way of raising kids that geralt breaks out of.

i think geralt’s self-image also speaks a lot to the feelings of harsh internal transphobia. he constantly others himself from others and feels like people view him as different, which is metaphorical for any marginalized group under the sun, but also is very common for lgbt ppl. again this is smth ive really struggled with within the past few years so im just projecting/know what it feels like and feel that how geralt sees himself in canon is similar to a view suffering from internalized transphobia.

geralt's character already redefines manhood because he has to learn what it means to be a good father. and i think him being trans would be representative of his constant learning and growth as a person, yet also somewhat involved with his self loathing and feeling like just Him Existing is an affront ... but of course he unlearns this with time and love from others and all of his character development

yennefer: yennefer’s whole backstory revolves around defining who she is and defying the people who mistreated her and told her she was nothing. canonically yennefer of vengerberg is the story of the successful self-made woman... her life as janka she would rather forget, no one calls her by that name, and no one ever would because its not who she is nor who i think she ever was. 

shes incredibly strong-willed and knows what she wanted from life but some things are terrifying to reach out for, like love and acceptance. yennefer has a conflict with love and being loved because that was never a safe topic for her ... (also sapkowski handled this specifically poorly imo, but:) yennefer canonically struggles with being loved for who she is. i think she deals so much with her previous abuse and again, expectations from parents, and coming to terms with the fact that she survived it all. also this isnt even touching upon her arc regarding motherhood. wanting to give a child your everything and everything that you never had... the love and kindness that no one gave you...

ciri: ciri hesitated to ever identify with “girl” or “boy,” she’s also i think the representation of childhood in general, she’s naturally curious about gender presentation as she ages and just never really cares to commit to gender. i think she’d say she was a girl but only reluctantly bc she just doesn’t care much.

dandelion: [from his TV Tropes page:]

he’s an artist and a musician, he’s not gonna be cishet...

ok in a more serious context i think he’s a nonbinary guy, i think him being trans might explain why he has way more friendships than relationships with family members. dandelion, like yennefer, is also someone that had to define who he was for himself, i mean for one his stage persona of dandelion is entirely an artist’s creation/hyperbole of himself, i think he also had to think abt his inner identity too

his gender is also just “your friend that comes to your house and eats all ur chips and drinks all ur beer and passes out on top of you on the couch”

milva: ok unfortunately i currently think milva is the token non-trans friend (she’s nonbinary just doesnt think of herself as trans) but it’s only because her major arc in baptism of fire revolves around her pregnancy and miscarriage and just bc she is not trans doesn’t mean she doesn’t go through her own difficult struggling process surrounding her womanhood. she struggles enormously throughout the series and in her backstory with defining herself between two rigid identities: the feminine maria and the cutthroat milva. in her talk with geralt, she reveals how she feels trapped between these two identities and feels like they cannot coexist. i feel like she’s a nonbinary/gender non-conforming butch* lesbian whose struggles with sexuality intersect her struggles with gender and what it means to her to be a gnc woman. also you have to consider that milva was raised in a small village in lower sodden so she understood gender in the very strict roles ascribed to men and women, so she felt like she couldn’t be a woman unless she was this very traditional idea of what a woman is “supposed to be like,” which she’s both been trying to shape herself to be and also running away from simultaneously. she learns to accept herself within the hansa bc they love and support her for who she is, and she doesn’t need to be strictly feminine or masculine to be understood by them

* i know the terms nonbinary and gnc and butch didn’t exist in the 1260s tyvm, i’m just saying this as how i interpret her in a modern context

regis: gender is a human sociological construct so basically don’t ask him unless you’re prepared to listen for 20 minutes. vampires can exist noncorporeally so they can exist without gender, also i hc the telepathic vampiric language is nongendered as it’s a transmission of pure thought, will, and force, so it doesn’t even use any grammar. i also hc that vampires just appear the way they feel in terms of appearance and age (e.g., regis at around 300 when he died still looked 25 bc he was as stupid as a 25 year old, now he’s calmer and understands more, so he looks middle-aged). when chilling out with humans regis will be referred to as a man bc that’s just how he appears but it’s an identity he had to learn about and adopt, not something he was assigned. most vampires look androgynous anyways bc they just feel androgynous, how are you gonna feel a gender when you don’t know what a gender is... if you HAD to understand him with human labels / put it in a modern context (like if i was making an modern real life AU) i’d say he’s a nonbinary trans man. 

cahir: much like geralt i think cahir’s story is one of living up to expectations, but cahir’s actually takes it a step further because his major motivation in his backstory is trying to prove to his mother that he can be a good son that will make her proud and gain honor for the family... he seeks validation from external sources but faces ruin when he learns that war is not the way to prove one’s prowess and skill

angouleme: shes trans and i simply say so bc shes very cool and funny and i dont think a cis person could be this cool and funny. also i think the story of a runaway teen who was abandoned by her biological family and found solace in a new family is both very good and featured in a lot of trans ppl’s narratives. she kind of exudes this “im finally at a point in my life where i’m safe and cared for, i can start HRT now, let’s gooOOoooOOooo” energy. 

[winterskywrites]

Your ace reader here. I had no access to service when you closed your inbox so Ive been holding onto this for a month. I personally headcannon CW brainy as ace, so can you write a story about when Brainy discovers he’s asexual and and is nervous to tell Nia because he thinks she’ll reject him but she ends up being so kind about it and still wants a romantic relationship with him. I’m sorry it’s romantic but I really wanted to see this. You’re great; thank you :)

Your ace writer here. :) I also headcanon CW Brainy as ace, so I’m happy to write this for you!

In the thirty-first century, many of the labels for various romantic and sexual orientations have been lost. Someone’s romantic and sexual orientation is their own business, after all, and other people don’t need to be able to sort them based on whom they may or may not be attracted to. Querl, for example, knows that he’s romantically attracted to all genders and not sexually attracted to anyone, but he’s never really thought about it that much. It’s just how he is, and considering the fact that he’s never really acted on any of his attractions, it’s not something that’s ever particularly mattered.

But the twenty-first century is full of words, and when Querl mentions in passing to Alex that he’s attracted to men, she asks, “Oh, so are you bi?” That leads to a bit of a research spiral, and Querl decides that, while he still doesn’t care about these labels too much, if he had to choose, he would say that he’s biromantic and asexual.

And then that makes him think that maybe, now that he’s actually in a romantic relationship, he should share that information with the person he’s in a relationship with.

He’s not worried about Nia not accepting it. Nia is transgender, after all, and although she’s never said anything explicitly, Querl doesn’t think she’s necessarily straight. He doesn’t think she’ll have a problem with the fact that he most definitely isn’t.

The thing he’s worried about is whether or not Nia will want to have a relationship with him when he tells her he doesn’t think he’ll ever want to have sex. A friendship, most likely, but a romantic relationship? He’s uncertain, and Querl hates uncertainty.

The best way to dismiss said uncertainty, he knows, is to talk to Nia about it. He doesn’t particularly want to, but he knows this conversation needs to be had, and there’s no point in avoiding it. He should just do it.

And so, he does.

“Nia,” he declares, pacing back and forth across her living room while she sits on the couch, “I have something to tell you. I hope it will not impact our relationship, but I know it might, and if it does, know I will not blame you in any way. Perhaps it it something I ought to have told you before, but it’s not something I think about very often, and so I didn’t think it was important at first, but now I’ve realized that it is, and-”

“Brainy,” Nia says, standing and grabbing Querl mid-step. She takes his hands and squeezes them. “Look, whatever it is, just tell me.”

“I’m asexual.”

Nia blinks. Querl takes that as encouragement to plow on. “I have never been in a relationship before, so I’ve never particularly thought about my own lack of sexual desire, but now that we are in a relationship, I thought it was important to tell you. And if this changes your feelings in any way-”

“You thought that would change my feelings?” Nia interrupts softly.

Querl shifts uncomfortably. “I do not think I will ever be interested in engaging in sex with you.”

“Brainy, that’s fine,” Nia says, squeezing his hands lightly. “I’m not dating you for the sex. I’m dating you for you. You being asexual doesn’t change that at all.”

Querl blinks. “It doesn’t?”

“Not a bit.”

“Oh.”

Nia’s smile widens. “So, you said you’re not interested in sex, but what about kissing? Is that still good?”

“Yes,” Querl says, “kissing is still-”

Honestly, he probably should have been expecting the kiss that interrupts him mid-sentence. Normally, he’d be a little irritated at being cut off, but right now…

Right now, Querl thinks as he kisses Nia back, he doesn’t particularly mind.

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 16

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 5, Chapter 10, Last Chapter

Writing Masterlist - for previous chapters not otherwise linked, Read on AO3

Notes (I guess): I realize it took me way too long to do this, but I can explain. Uhh...

So for those of you who don’t know, I haven’t been home since September, and I won’t be home for another... two weeks, more or less? I’ve been to places where I couldn’t know if I’d have working wifi or any wifi at all so updating this fic has been a mission. So I do whatever I can to update at reasonable times.

With that being said, I finished this chapter way back last month while on a two week long trek in Nepal and haven’t had the opportunity to upload it, so I’m grateful I can now. Because this one... was a hell of an exposition ride for a lot of shit I planned a long long time ago.

Quick disclaimer - some bits of this chapter deal with the definition of transgender, and a specific learning disorder. The definition of transgender mentioned in this chapter has been taken from the DSM-IV-TR, which is a defunct edition of the DSM that came out in the year 2000 and has been replaced by the DSM-5 in 2013. The definition has since been changed and separated, and I believe it is now called gender dysphoria, though I’m not quite sure. But it does not reflect my opinions on how dysphoria is related to being trans, I do believe (and have several sources to back me up, including the DSM-5) that you don’t have to be dysphoric to be trans. The same goes for this learning disorder, what is said in this chapter reflects only the way the characters think of it - and it will change later on, I can assure you - and not at all what I would think or say about it.

As is tradition, thanks to @whatwashernameagain for KHS and for all her patience with me and my shenanigans (and not getting frustrated with my stupid ideas) and to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for the original idea and for giving me the best commentary for my screenshots when I send them. And also to @winglessnymph , @asleepybisexual and @anony-phangirl , who have fallen out of the loop but are still there. I know I haven’t sent you anything much in recent days, but... still.

Tag list (sort of): @bunny222, @ab-artist, @sweet-and-sour-shadowling, @ilovemygaydad, @your-username-is-unavailable, @virgilcrofters, @violetblossem, @maybe-i-like-the-misery, @book-of-charlie, @thatsanswitch, @thatrandomautist, @thebiggestgaypirate, @marshmallow-the-panda

(Wanna be tagged? Lemme know!)

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter also includes (rather controversial) opinions/ideas about the definition of transgender (as mentioned in a now-defunct, but then the most recent, edition of the DSM), discussion of abortion, mentions of past self-harm, discussion of personality disorders and hospitalization, panic attacks, and description of rejection sensitive dysphoria. I’m pretty sure I forgot something though, so let me know if I have so I can add it.

—————

Friday, May 30th, 2003

"...your valedictorian, Jenna Miranda Wheeler."

"Class of 2003…"

New York was beautiful in May.

Sadly, that was not where Remy was heading today.

According to Linda, Stephen was going to go on a business trip for at least two weeks in June, starting late May. So Remy was invited over for the summer. Not his first choice, but Leah begged him to come and Emile said that it might be a good idea. But…

Spending more than a day at Linda's, combined with the knowledge that Jenna and India have graduated just a few days ago and Chris hasn't, was a good enough reason for Remy to feel shitty. And he did.

The main upside was that Georgia was beautiful in May too.

He managed to cheer himself up somewhat by thinking of the good things that happened this month - Emile's TOVA results (9/9 inattentive symptoms, 4/9 hyperactive-impulsive, definitely has inattentive type ADHD), India's name being called at graduation instead of her deadname, Jenna graduating valedictorian, his friends moving to Virginia and so on - by the time the taxi from the airport pulled up in front of the, by now, rather familiar house.

And then his stomach dropped.

Stephen was still there.

"Do you need help with those bags, Rebecca?" He asked, eyeing the massive, neon pink duffel bag and the incredibly heavy purple backpack that sat on the sidewalk near Remy as he tapped his foot nervously.

"Not from you I don't. Thanks for the offer, but… no thanks."

He was too proud to admit that the duffel was too heavy for him to lift and he could barely drag it, but he packed most of his clothes and books in it. Some were mailed home. But not most.

"That shit gotta be heavy as fuck—"

"I said, no thank you. Now, move out of my fucking way."

Leah was napping by the time he finally dragged everything inside, but Rachel was doodling in the living room, smiling brightly when she saw him come through the door. She abandoned her crayons and waddled all the way to hug him.

As much as he barely knew her, Remy definitely loved Rachel too.

"I'm going to daycare," she mumbled somewhat, trying to use words she didn't quite know yet. "You have to come!"

"You're such a big girl!" He ruffled her pigtails, picking her up. She was so light for a two-year old. "Going to daycare already?"

"Mmhm."

"I'm so proud of you!"

She just hugged his neck and babbled on about her friends and daycare, her hand flying and her almost falling from his hold. This was another happy thing to add to the list.

He wasn't happy. But this was happy. For now.

—————

Stephen left on his business trip at around seven thirty, and Remy took a huge sigh of relief. Leah also woke up from her nap a few hours earlier, all grumpy and upset for some reason, and Remy tried talking her into telling him why she was so upset.

Linda said it was because of the nap. Leah only got even more upset.

"Why am I here?" Remy asked during dinner, while Leah entertained herself (and he was sure she didn't notice much) and Rachel was almost dozing off. "We haven't had a single good interaction since I was five years old, Linda."

"Am I no longer allowed to want to be around my son, Remy?" She stung back, looking anything but as aggressive as she just sounded.

"I'll be honest with you, kid. I know you don't like me. I can understand why. But what I don't understand is why you're bringing this up in front of your younger sisters. They're too young for this to—"

"I saw a movie about penguins on TV," Leah started rambling. "They're really weird…"

The argument stopped just as quickly as it started, and Leah was allowed to go on and on about penguins bringing rocks to each other. So he proceeded to just glare at Linda, who helped Rachel eat her pasta. This was awful, this was absolutely the worst situation he could've found himself in, and… he just wanted out.

And he kept wanting out even as Rachel already went to sleep, Leah was busy doing her homework last minute, and Linda asked Remy to help her clean up.

"I'm only here because Leah asked me to," he almost hissed as he was tasked with packing the leftovers in incredibly familiar tupperware containers.

"I want to spend more time with you, Remy. I'm still your mother—"

"Well, you haven't acted like it, like, ever!"

Linda sighed, putting the plate she was holding in the dishwasher. "I don't want to sound like I'm making any excuses—"

"So don't make any."

"—but I was barely your age when I had you. This is no excuse, I'm not trying to say that I had no idea what I was doing because of that, but I sacrificed so much of my life to raise you!"

"You could've aborted me! You could've been smart and used protection in the first place!"

"Condoms aren't a fail-proof—"

"Face it, Linda. You never wanted me. You're not homophobic or transphobic for the sake of it, it's clear you have at least some level of respect to queer people. You just never wanted me in the first place."

The next plate she was holding broke in the sink. "How fucking dare you say that?!"

"I'm just saying—"

"I have never wanted something in my life more than I wanted you!" Her screams hurt Remy's ears, going as far as to make Leah cry in the other room. Linda immediately lowered her voice. "I know I've been a bad mother to you. I regret every decision I've ever made while I was married to your father, except being married to him and having you. And I've spent every day since leaving you and your father regretting my decisions, and wanting to make it up to you, but you kept pushing me away. How do you think that makes me feel, huh? Do you still think you're the only one who's been robbed of something in this relationship?"

"...you had Leah while you were still married to Dad" was all he could say. And he hoped he'd have the last word. "Was she a mistake too?"

Sadly, you can't always get what you want.

"Leah… is problematic. But she wasn't a mistake either. None of you are, and you can stop saying that. Whatever is wrong with her does not make her a mistake. Just as your gender identity disorder does not make you a mistake."

"No, you're right. It doesn't. It makes me transgender. A female-to-male man. You know those terms? Female to male, transgender? It's what people call it nowadays."

There was another long moment of silence as Linda cleaned up the broken plate and Remy finished packing up the leftovers, and Leah stopped crying.

It was a stressful silence. Very typical of home life with Linda Brigham-Hollander.

"...you may not have come at a time I liked," she sighed after everything, falling into a chair. Remy was ready to leave the kitchen, but this wouldn't let him. "I know we could've… waited a few more years. But you came when you did, and I don't regret that. You were never a mistake. I may have a hard time understanding… what… your identity. I'm trying my best to educate myself now, you know—"

"That's almost five years too late."

"I don't know what Leah told you about her school life, but whatever hardships she got understanding stuff—"

"She has no trouble understanding stuff as far as I can see—"

"Educational stuff. School material. She got that from me. Education comes harder for me, you may not know that. I was never the brightest student and I only completed my high school diploma when you were three years old. Don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with you. But I couldn't learn when you asked me to. It felt like—"

"Linda, it didn't take Dad five years to be able to call me by my name and use the correct pronouns. Even if you don't mean it this way, this is bullshit to me. And I hope you get it."

And then he got up and left, leaving her to her own. If she cried, well… that's none of his business.

—————

Sunday, June 8th, 2003

Nathalie and Emile were getting ready for the Tony awards when Emile had a panic attack.

No, that's not true. Emile has been having panic attacks all week long for some weird reason he couldn't explain, most likely not being able to talk to Remy all week long since his phone died and he couldn't get a new one just yet. But today was the worst one. So Julie lent him her phone for a call, to explain himself so he won't panic so much, but…

But Remy wouldn't understand. He'd be mad if Emile tried to call him from Julie's phone because of some panic attacks… and then he'd hate him, and then… and then…

Then he wouldn't have a best friend anymore…

What was India's phone number again…?

She picked up on the fourth ring. "India McGinty—"

"It's Emile," he almost sobbed the second she picked up. "I… I have a question…"

"Oh, honey, of course. What is it?"

"Do you think Remy would hate me…? My phone died and I can't get another one until next week and—"

"Emile, are you… are you crying right now?"

"No… I did before, I just…"

She sighed before clearing her throat. That's it, she hates him too—

"Do you mind if I pass you over to Jenna? She's better at this than me."

"...okay…"

"...Emile?" Jenna's voice was softer than India's somehow. She'd never raise her voice, but Emile was scared of the people who'd be there when she does once she becomes a lawyer. "Can you please explain what's going on?"

"Well… my phone died, and I can't tell Remy because he's with his mom and I don't wanna call him while he's with his mom, so I'm scared that if I don't talk to him all summer he'll hate me and then he won't talk to me anymore and I can't—"

"Let's slow down, you're only upsetting yourself. Remy is your best friend, right?"

"Yeah… I mean, I like him a bit more but, but it's not like I can just tell him that, and…"

"That's fine, we're not gonna focus on this for now. That's for another time. But he's your best friend, right?"

"Yeah, I just told you!"

"So why would he hate you for something like that? He's going to understand, I'm sure."

"I don't… know… it just feels like he might…"

"I know. This feeling fucking sucks, doesn't it?" She chuckled. Emile couldn't answer to that. He just… he couldn't. "But it's not healthy to dwell on this feeling. It might become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you fret about it so much."

"What do you mean…?"

"...have I ever told you that I was institutionalized until my second year of college?"

He couldn't stop his jaw from dropping. "No…"

"Okay. So I'll tell you now. I… how squeamish are you? I don't want to… trigger anything…"

"I don't know… I don't… I don't think I really mind much…?"

"Okay, I… I'll censor it anyway. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah."

"So when I was fourteen, I started harming myself. It's not… it was what you'd think, but not for the most part. I didn't cut really. But my parents knew, and they gave a ton of fucks and not just because they had a reputation to uphold like I thought they did back then. They just… they gave all the fucks."

"Okay… I'm sorry, I didn't—"

"Don't apologize, you had no part in this. And you never will. I promise."

"Okay."

"Two years after I started, my parents sent me to a psych ward. At that time they thought I was depressed, it was too early to diagnose me properly, so… I've lived for three years on doses of antidepressants that didn't do a whole lot, because nobody knew. I was finally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was nineteen, my medication prescription was fixed and I was let out of there when they decided I'm doing well enough to be able to live on my own again. I spent my first year of law school with a nurse attached to my hip, can you imagine?" She laughed, and Emile struggled to hold back a smile.

"Actually yeah… my sister is narcoleptic…"

"Oh shoot, sorry… didn't mean that. Anyway… back to the topic at hand, yeah? I was… infatuated, for a lack of a better word, with this guy. His name was David. I thought I was in love with him, but it turned out I idolized him to a point where he became my favorite person, and that was an incredibly toxic experience. He was like… like Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted. But dialed up to eleven. He was a fucking asshole and I haven't seen him in years… he was transferred to another place after an incident that involved one of my friends, she ended up almost killing herself because of this guy. And my anxiety over being perfect for him, over making him like me and making sure that he keeps liking me, made me extremely unhealthy in the long run."

There was a pause, possibly for Emile to process. Most likely. This wasn't fair… this was totally not fair! Why did good people have to go through shitty things?

"My next favorite person after him was a girl I dated for a couple months before India." Jenna sounded kind of breathless at that, as if she was crying herself. "And… she made me talk to her. She asked me questions for clarification all the time and helped me with my anxiety, especially when I felt like this. I was tiring, but… it's the effort she put into this that counted. Emile… you gotta talk to Remy."

"But… but I can't…"

"Who said? Communication is key. I know it might be really hard, especially for you, but… call him. It's his birthday soon, right? In July?"

"Yeah…"

"Call him. Write down everything you want to tell him and tell him then. I promise it'll make your anxiety a lot easier to manage."

————

"Remy," Linda called from the living room as he was heading to bed. This was becoming ridiculous…

"I told you, I'm not talking to you for the rest of this—"

"I can't read a single word in this cursed book of yours."

"...what book?"

"This DSM thing. Remy, darling, why do you need this book? It's so difficult to understand, couldn't they have written better books about this?"

He ended up not going to bed after all, instead resorting to making himself tea and going to sit on the couch next to her.

"Mom, that's… that's the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, mom. It's existed since the fifties. This is the revised version. They can't make it simpler to understand, I don't think."

"Well, your grandma's always said that if a child can't understand what's written, it's because the writer is bad at what they're doing."

"And so have a lot of my professors, but sadly this is what we have to work with. What's so confusing anyway?"

"I was trying to read about your… your thing, the gender identity disorder thing…" she turned the book to him. The passages in this section have been highlighted the day he bought the book and he knew them by heart. Well, for the most part. "I'm sorry, but the words are just… long and confusing."

"...that's fine… it's totally fine, I can… I can simplify it for you…"

"I don't need you to simplify it for me, I know English. I just… I can't read this! Big and confusing academic paper words."

Oh fuck…

"I'm a painter, not an academic, Remy. I can't read. You know this. You've known this forever."

"I forgot you're dyslexic…"

"And what does forgetting that help you?"

"Nothing… let's… let's go over this together, okay? The sections that apply to me." He waited for Linda to nod, rather reluctantly, before putting on his own pair of reading glasses.

"So, to diagnose someone with gender identity disorder there are two criteria, identifying with the opposite gender and feeling dysphoria. In order to meet those criteria, you gotta not be intersex, which I think is pretty stupid, and also it has to affect your daily life."

"Yeah, I know that. Your shrink told us that when you were fourteen. Let's move on, okay?"

"...okay. In boys, aka trans girls, this doesn't apply to me… okay. Girls with GID, aka trans boys, display a intense negative reactions to parental expectations, blah blah blah, you never had any expectations of me so this doesn't apply…"

"No no no no no, you will read this out. No skipping."

"Okay, fine! Girls with GID display intense negative reactions to parental expectations or attempts to have them wear dresses or other feminine attire. Some may refuse to attend school or social events where such clothes may be required... They prefer boy's clothing and short hair, are often misidentified by strangers as boys, and may ask to be called a boy's name. Reminds you of something?"

"...go on."

"Their fantasy heroes, yeah no, I never had fantasy heroes…"

"You had She-Ra."

"Yeah, but she made me gay, not trans, mom. Prefer boys as playmates, contact sports… yeah, none of that either…"

"You used to play soccer as a kid. Your dad has a lot of pictures of that, you know."

"I… didn't actually know that… huh."

"You didn't learn to kick a ball from your father, though. I'll tell you that."

It took a bit of time for Remy to stop himself from giggling, deciding to sip his tea instead. It didn't work very well.

"Yeah… well… moving on, ‘they show little interest in dolls or any form of feminine dress up or role-play activity. A girl with this disorder may occasionally refuse to urinate in a sitting position. She may claim that she has or will grow a penis and may not want to grow breasts or menstruate. She may assert that she will grow up to be a man. Such girls typically reveal marked cross-gender identification in role-play, dreams and fantasies.' Does any of this sound familiar, mom? Because I don't… I don't actually know."

"Until now… yeah. All of that sounds incredibly familiar. Look, I…"

"I know what's you're gonna say, and please don't. It's fine. I know you panicked, I know you said things you didn't mean to, but… can we leave that for now? That's a bridge we're gonna deal with later. Now, adults with GID…"

They ended up staying up for far longer than either of them wanted to, but it was alright. Linda wanted to learn. Remy was willing to teach her.

They only barely made it to bed at three in the morning, the page bookmarked for tomorrow, when they'll continue reading.

[boojersey]

VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like  .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful. 

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense​ is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright 

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

[transalfiesolomons]

I’ve had to deal w a lot of transphobia the last few days, you have any trans headcanons to spare? 🌸💀

You’ve come to the right place friend. I hope you’re cool with an unanticipatedly large dump of ‘em (specifically on Alfie and Michael) below the cut 

(oh I should mention up front these are all modern au) 

(a quick caveat with this. I talk a little bit about the intersection of being trans and being Jewish and while I try to be as culturally sensitive as possible, I am not myself Jewish, so if anyone reading this has something to add or to correct please please do not hesitate to do so)  

(there’s also probably some sentence fragments and thoughts that trail off because i’m a fool who can’t proofread) 

me: hey just do a few happy ones

also me, 3,000 words later, basically having written two fics: ah,

Alfie –

I.

Alfie Solomons spends a lot of his childhood chasing on the heels of older male cousins, refusing to be cooped up inside with the women of the family. He knows there are things that his cousins will never let their single little girl cousin know or see, condescendingly protecting her from a world that is her birthright just as much as it is theirs. 

He grows up hearing about the “family business” without ever seeing it or knowing anything about it, other than sometimes the police came to rough up family members and make arrests and hurl slurs while they did so. But whether this had anything to do with illegality on his family’s part or just people hating Jews, Alfie never really figured out, only that after such raids his cousins are quieter and afraid and those are the times a place for Alfie opens up among them, a desire to hold family close.

When he was younger, growing up around his father’s extended family in Camden Town, Alfie had pretty constantly railed against not being able to do what his male cousins did and also pretty constantly did that stuff anyway, which garnered him both amusement and consternation from his family who only occasionally attempted to stop him.

The men in the family paid him absolutely no attention, which he felt was wrong for some reason but could never find the words to explain why until much alter in his life, until after he stumbles over the word “transsexual” in a medical diary while waiting for a physical exam and until after he first applies the word to himself. Both of which come when he is already an adult. But even before he knows, it complicates a lot of his life, especially when he came to gender roles in worship. Even after he turned 13, he was not allowed to be part of a minyan which felt wrong until someone explained that it was because he’s a girl and only men can be part of a minyan which felt even more wrong but he didn’t push it because there’s a look on his mother’s face when he asked why that told him this was just one of those things (and there were many, admittedly) that just wasn’t up for debate.

II.

Alfie makes the realization that he’s trans when he is 27. Five years into his enlistment in the British Army, sitting on Basra air base in 2004 during the British-to-American turnover, twiddling his thumbs and sweating his ass off watching supplies be loaded and unloaded on the airstrip. Two months from home for good and suddenly skin-crawlingly aware he doesn’t recognize what he sees in the mirror anymore as himself. He remembers that word then, thinks back to not understanding it at the time, thinking it was strange and wrong, and he spends the rest of the day rolling it (and rolling he, him, his) over on his tongue until its stone-heavy and nearly wrung of meaning.

It’s a sudden and stomach-swooping realization, a long-time-coming clarity that still bowls him over with the sheer force of it.

His last month there, he buzzes his hair just to see how it would be, what it would feel like under his hands. When asked why - and he goes from a regulation cut, but just barely regulation to as short as the clippers will allow him without just shaving his head, so he is asked quite a lot - he claims that the heat just finally got to him and he couldn’t take it anymore. His face is too soft then, a roundness in the cheeks he’d never shed from childhood, to allow him to pass with just a buzz but it gives him a modicum of personal comfort to run his hands over his scalp and feel that soft prickle under his fingers.

He comes home and out-processes from the military and almost immediately jumps into figuring out where the fuck to go from here, pouring over what few online resources he can find and feeling more and more adrift from himself every day. He doesn’t fit into the common narrative of “knew all along” and he doesn’t exactly feel “wrong” in his body (frankly, he’s proud of it) so it’s a long time before he’s able to truly accept that he is transgender and not actively losing his mind and that there isn’t something wrong with him. 

His place as a trans man and his decision to transition put him not necessarily at odds with but in a weird position with his Jewishness. So much of Judaism is split along gender lines: where you sit in temple, what you wear, how you’re addressed, what prayers you lead, what prayers you say, if you can lead prayers at all. It causes a radical reevaluation of where he stands in relation to his faith and to g-d but in the end it wholly reaffirms both his faith and how he feels about himself.There are actually two (incredibly progressive) rabbis that help him - one who reaffirms his identity as a trans man and as a Jewish man and another who tells him in Halachic terms that he can get gender-affirming surgery if it is something he wishes to pursue.

The cool thing about realizing when he did is that Alfie doesn’t have anyone he has (or wants) to come out to - his mother had died some years before, he was estranged from his only (half) sister, he was only ever rarely in contact with any member of his maternal family (spread out between Russia and Israel), and he’d lost contact with his paternal family after his father died when he was eight and his mother moved them away from Camden Town out of fear. He had no close friends or relationships due to his “inability to relate to others” and “aloofness” (the army’s words) and his being “an utter sociopath” (his XO’s words). The not so cool thing is the not inconsiderable amount of loneliness he feels when transitioning alone, celebrating milestones like his first year on T alone, especially when recuperating alone from surgery with only his dog to keep him company (and the complications he didn’t consider - like having to take the dog on walks when he could barely get off the sofa.) But that’s, uh, that’s what alcohol is there for right? 

(Already fit from military training, he dedicates a lot of time during his early transition to weight training and a continuation of the hand-to-hand he learned in basic.) 

III.

His father’s family (the little that’s left of it after a brutal turf war between the Jews and the Italians over a decade ago) reaches out to him when he’s 31, after the murder of his uncle by a small Italian gang of upstarts who took old age for infirmity and, in his cousin’s words, “paid dearly” for it. The invitation is for his uncle’s funeral, but he ends up staying in Camden Town afterwards, working for his cousin who has assumed control of the gang after his father’s murder. Alfie very quickly garners a reputation for just vicious brutality against people that cross the gang. 

Alfie considers it strange that his cousin invites him back, considering, well – but no one (including his cousin) actually seems to remember him well enough to remember that he was a girl child once. People remember that he is his father’s child but apparently not what gender he was assigned at birth. People remember him roughhousing with the boys, not that he was reprimanded for doing so because he was not “one of the boys.” It begs the question of how his cousin tracked him down but Alfie supposes there may only be so many Solomons in England. And it’s weird but it’s also incredibly welcome. Gifts and horses and mouths.

Alfie’s assumption of control of the Solomons Gang right out from under his cousin (who was never fit for the job anyway) is an incredibly nebulous affair that followed very closely on the heels of his uncle’s death. Like, before shiva is even over close on the heels of (which is an exaggeration, but it makes him out to be all the more ruthless, really). Legitimately no one but Alfie knows how exactly any of it went down other than it has a body count somewhere between 2 and 15 people. He describes it to this way as a coup de grace. What that means, no one is even kind of willing to ask.

IV.

He’s outed twice: once by a man in his own gang (a few years after he gains control) and once not long after by a competitor who thinks it will cost Alfie everything. It doesn’t go the way either of them wanted.

His boy does it internally, digs up his service record and his discharge papers and starts to spread the “truth” in an effort to undermine Alfie and possibly gain control of the gang himself. He doesn’t live long past the first wave of rumors and it’s fairly quickly forgotten, just a power-hungry man trying to start something he couldn’t finish.

The competitor spreads it among his supplies and allies, many many of whom have negative reactions and cut ties with the Solomons gang. This costs him the most, at least in the short term - suppliers, support, respect, a modicum of safety - but he doesn’t let it intimidate him. And because it never destabilizes him or truly threatens his leadership of the gang (who actually stand by him, not because they’re supportive but because he’s already proven to be incredibly volatile and unpredictable but also fair to and protective of those loyal to him), he gains a lot in the long term.

(By the time Tommy comes into the picture when he’s 39, there’s been so much turnover in the ranks of nearly every gang and blackmarket business that barely anyone knows and the ones that do either don’t care or just don’t feel like its worth acting on.)

The second time someone internally tries to use his being trans against him, his boys doesn’t even flinch because, cis or trans, Alfie terrifies them. He’s 5′9, built like a brick shithouse, like an American Bulldog, probably 16 stone of mostly muscle, deadlifts twice that, and he punches like a freight train hauling cinder blocks and he terrifies them.

There’s not a person in this world that can make Alfie Solomons ashamed of who he is.

Michael –

I.

Polly spends so much of her life scouring the country looking for her stolen daughters, devastated beyond the ability of words to convey - after searching for twelve hard, long, lonely, terrified years - to find one daughter dead (buried in a country she has never been to and will never see, she can’t even visit her baby’s grave) and the other seemingly wiped from the system after her (private) adoption, no record or her past six years old.

She hits roadblock after roadblock, denied access to privileged and private information she has no legal right to access anymore. It’s helpless, desperate work and it almost breaks her because how could her eldest daughter just disappear?

It’s Tommy who eventually gets access to the records, who digs and digs (and bribes and threatens, but Polly probably doesn’t need to know about that part but probably does anyway, she knows her nephews too well to expect anything different, especially Thomas) until he hits pay dirt. The gender recognition certificate, the legal name change barely half a year ago, the parental consent forms for treatment of gender dysphoria.

It’s a week after he finds it all that he shows her, having mulled over how to tell her and finally settles on just laying it all out. He slides her the folder over breakfast and drinks his coffee – black, two sugars, a Shelby staple – while she reads what she initially thinks are some financial documents or some other Family Business™ family business.

He watches her face morph from shock to confusion to hope to awe and around to the same kind of fond exasperation she looks at him and his siblings with, the closest to love-comfort-softness that Polly gets.

And somewhere in that mix of emotions he knows there is a tug of grief (and it stings, it will never stop stinging, that grief, but for once it isn’t aimed at him), grief because she has lost both of her daughters, grief that is outweighed by the joy of having gained a son, just like the joy of gaining a nephew that outweighed the grief of losing a niece all those years ago. 

“Michael,” she says, awe unmistakable. Traces a hand along the papers with as much tenderness as if they were the face of her lost son, soon soon so soon to be found again and brought home to them.

(Michael, she thinks later, of course he’d somehow pick a family name. It’s only right and it’s perfectly right, she wouldn’t have chosen any different.) 

II.

They wait to reach out until after Michael turns 18, until he has been legally emancipated from his adopted parents. And the wait kills Polly but she understands it, given the circumstances. It’s Tommy that reaches out, somewhat awkwardly, a voicemail left on a cellphone. Perfunctory, because how do you explain the weight of a history like their family’s over voicemail, with a rushed callback number just before the cutoff tone.

And Michael, for his part, two years on HRT and attending uni in London and happy as hell and finally free from parents who were tepidly accepting (at least enough to help him medically transition) but suffocating in their palpable discomfort, jumps at the chance to meet Tommy.

It’s validating that his birth family has reached out to him and even more validating that, to have found him at all, they would have had to found out that he was trans. And to have reached out, they would have had to accept that fact or at least grapple with it. To have reached out, they would have had to want to see him and that’s reason enough to want to meet Tommy. That’s even reason enough to forget that his parents haven’t spoken to him since the day he moved out of their home, to forget that they looked relieved when he left.

III.

And two weeks later they’re sitting across from each other at a coffee shop in north London, a hipster hole in the wall place with good pastries - Michael’s suggestion. They both order coffee – black, two sugars. Michael doesn’t understand why that’s funny to Tommy.

Tommy sits across from him, eyes a shade of blue so startling it’s both hard to maintain eye contact and to look away at all, and offers Michael a a chance to rejoin the family he barely remembers he lost and it almost breaks Michael in half, because he didn’t expect any of this to be so easy. Except it’s not easy, of course it’s not, there’s a weight between then the heft of many people, fathers and brothers and sisters and daughters, but Tommy carries that weight somehow better, with a straight-backed pride Michael finds he would like to learn. To carry the weight of his past like a talisman and not an albatross.

“What does my mum think,” Michael asks just before they say goodbye, standing there on the sunniest day London has seen in months, on the corner outside Warren Street station. He’s put off actually asking this question, unwilling to hear the answer. Unwilling to have another parent see him as a disappointment. “Of me? Of… me.”

Tommy doesn’t speak for a long time, pulling drags and exhaling slowly. When he does speak, he doesn’t look at Michael and Michael can’t help the way his stomach drops to his feet in bitter, sickening anticipation of some kind of rebuff, some kind of confirmation that this will be hard. Instead, Tommy smiles, just slightly, the corner of his mouth blink-and-you’ll-miss-it twitching, and says “You’re her son. She loves you.”

Like it’s just that easy. And for the Shelbys, it kind of is. Family is family, all baggage included. (Ride or die, bitch.)

And Michael isn’t really given to strong emotions (another Shelby staple) but he carries that answer with him for days after, holds it in his body like a physical thing, right next to his heart tucked protectively behind his ribcage. Her son, her son, her son.

(He finds out later that Tommy himself is trans but that is not for some time - it’s definitely one of the last pieces of the puzzle for him, that last missing piece of sky that completes a nearly two decades long year search for who he is and where he belongs. But it’s not for a while yet.)

IV.

He meets his birth mother on a stormy day two weeks after he first meets Tommy. He stands on a curb in Small Heath with an address on a scrap of paper, hastily scribbled while on a confirmation call with Tommy (who does not and will not text, the neanderthal) when he arrived in Birmingham.

She’s not at all what he expected (smaller, thinner, stress-worn. but he has her nose he thinks, and her chin, the curls in her hair) but he supposes he isn’t what she suspected either so they’re at least on equal footing.

Her home smells of incense and perfume, the tea she brews is stout-dark but bright-sweet, her hands are soft and warm on his back when she hugs him and with tears threatening to choke him, his forehead on her shoulder, he thinks oh, I remember this.too

[candyclan]

Coming out letter to my mom. (FTM) At the start of my transition, I wanted to go by a name that started with an “A”because my birthname did. All the rest of it is basically the same.

THE TRUTH:

I didn’t scream “I am a boy” at my parents. Honestly, my mother (specifically) controlled a lot of what I did, who I hung out with, and what I wore as a child. I believe she has/had an idea about what she wanted out of a daughter since I was born, and really just lived through me. I think she eventually had to give me room to make my own decisions, later in life. I didn’t come out until I was 16, although I had spent 6 months prior to even coming out thinking about my gender identity. I was extremely sheltered. I want you guys to know that I didn’t know what being transgender was until I was a freshman in high school and met my best friend (who is STILL MY BEST FRIEND TODAY) who identified as Non-binary gender fluid. I had never really met someone AFAB that lived to be anything other than female. With that came the knowledge that sometimes, men don’t necessarily have to have penises and I can wear whatever I’m comfortable with. I used to be religious in middle school (raised Christian) but I never found god. It never made sense to me how so many people can put their faith in other people’s ideas of what god is (the Bible) but not listen when their real CHILD comes to them and tells them that they feel uncomfortable in their gender identity. I also came out as bisexual in middle school, after meeting a girl I had a fancy for. To which my mother sobbed and cried and asked how she had failed as a parent. I remember loving pink, it was my favorite color. Pink, purple, blue. My top 3. Now it’s blue, pink, purple but basically the same. I had a pink room, loved hello kitty, let my mom curl my hair with little curlers at night so I could wake up and be somebody different the next day. My brother played with carebears and my Barbie dolls more than I did as a child. I remember a toy gun and handcuffs. I was fairly experimental as a child, I did: Girl Scouts, swimming, piano, soccer, ballet, cheerleading, and more honestly. I always got “boy” toys at McDonald’s (I mean cmon they’re cooler) I just was kinda everywhere. I feel like that’s easier for someone AFAB to be. My brother was harassed by my family for liking girly things but I was never shown that I couldn’t like stereotypical “boy things” by extended family. My mother however in the line at McDonalds I could never forget, turned and looked at me (baseball cap backwards tank top and shorts)and said “So, what?” “Are you batting for the other team” implying that because of the clothes I liked to wear I would be a lesbian. My mother (like I said, kinda controlling and extremely narcissistic) when I was allowed to cut my hair super short for the first time I was 16. Afterwards she has said things like: “but you’re so pretty how could you have cut your hair” “you looked so nice with long hair” I never felt akin to femininity. I was actually VERY uncomfortable with it. I hated being the “weaker” gender. I never wanted my nails painted. It was torture. I acted like makeup and and nail polish was torture, the hairbrush was my enemy. I used to just put my hair up in a low ponytail every day as I got older. I knew she’d never let me cut it all off. Basically, other than wanting to grow up strong and tough and not liking to be treated like a female, I was female. There were parts of being female I didn’t really have a problem with, and honestly that’s why I didn’t come out for so long. I wasn’t in a house or raised by people I knew would accept anything other than me being their “little girl” I was a daddies girl. So between my lack of understanding of where my feelings towards my gender roles were coming from, being encouraged by my family to be girly, not being exposed to gender diversity (or anything queer), and my controlling mother, I remained in the dark about who I was.

TRIGGER WARNING:::(abuse)::::: I was never close with my mother, and actually hated her growing up. To this day she is the most judge mental, self-centered woman I know. My father was funny, charismatic, and lost his shit sometimes. I like to say, 90% of the time he was amazing. We made jokes and could literally finish each other’s sentences. But honestly my father, 10% of the time was abusive. Most of my abuse in my life was covert (narcissistic abuse from my mother) and verbal/emotional/barely physical abuse from my father. He’s 6”3’ 350 lbs and very loud and scary, especially to a young child. He punched a hole in my wall, he threw a remote at a wall and shattered it to pieces, he threatened to kill my dog with a baseball bat in front of me. Which I swear to god he would have done if I wasn’t holding my dog, protecting him. These moments were few and far between, but they were riddled with insults and almost always left me with less than I started with. My father did spank my brother and I, and one time he clapped my brother so well that he left a purple hand mark on his butt. My mother told my father she’d take us away if that happened again. My father never left marks. He never had to, he was so big and would just get up in my face and scream at me. He made me feel helpless. Because he was invading my space I felt physically threatened, and he never actually had to touch me and leave bruises because that threat was already implied by invading my space. I was so young, but I always knew my family wasn’t right. Finally at 16, I stood up to my father for the first time. I didn’t care if he was bigger than me, I didn’t care if I would lose, I was willing to fight for me. Anyway, long story short the police were called because we were screaming at each other in front of his apartment building. I’m not going to say I didn’t fuck up as a teenager, but I never deserved the pressure and the abuse he was dishing out and had dished out my whole life. I knew that. I cut him out of my life just after turning 16, by then I had been questioning my identity. It became easier after leaving my father to fall into who I was. My father is FAIRLY religious and my mother claims to be but she never talks about god, she never prays, and now that my father and her are divorced I don’t think she’s been inside a church since. Losing my father was a lot, despite his abuse he and I were really close and had really similar personalities. The reality of abuse isn’t “well, now I see them as an abuser so now none of that good stuff is left it’s all tainted” I had to struggle with losing someone very important in my life at a young age, for myself.

Arguments against me being trans:

My family has been a bit divided in responding to me coming out. By now, it’s been about 4 years.

My mother and her side of the family are in denial. They don’t understand how I can’t be a “lesbian that just likes boy things”. They don’t use my name or pronouns.

My father, what little communication I have with him now, is bewildered. He and I had a discussion this past Christmas where I brought up what his abuse did to me mentally and he apologized but then tried to say “well what about your part in all of this” and said that I was hanging out with crazy depressed people, cutting myself, doing drugs, (I was smoking weed and I’ve tried acid like once piss off) and was sneaking out. Yeah. I did do all of that BUT GUESS WHAT. IM 20. I go where I wanna go. I fuck who I wanna fuck. I smoke what I want and guess what? It’s not any different from when I was 16 except now I don’t have parents up my ass telling me what to do. His argument basically was that I need to own up to what I did too and that fucking angered me. You don’t apologize and then go “well what about you” that’s not an apology. That’s deflection and honestly I don’t think I need to apologize because my parents were super controlling. I was just trying to do what I wanted and they didn’t like it. He and I have talked about me being trans and he pretty much thinks I’m certifiable. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

My brother: Ethan, my brother and I have always been close. He’s 17 now, and he had a different reaction to me being trans. Of all of my family he was the most receptive to my pleas of gender dysphoria and he suffers with anxiety so he gets stuff. But alas, after asking him if he’d call me by my name and pronouns (after 4 years of being out) he thinks that I am the one that has an issue with society. I told him I was starting T soon and he said: “Hrt won’t lessen all the things that come with being transgender. If you feel like doing hormones is the best for you then do it, but from a logical standpoint I think there just needs to be more thickening of skin” he claimes that if I try hard enough I could be fine living as female. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

None of my family supports me. None of my family understands. And none of them ever will. I have been out for four fucking years. I can’t tell you how frustrating family rejection can be. I have cried so much at the idea of not having a supportive family. I feel like I was ripped away from a beautiful life somewhere and thrust into this mess.

Honestly though, it doesn’t matter, the world keeps spinning and I keep finding people who love and accept me for who I truly am. I have made peace with my family’s lack of acceptance. It’s made me stronger and more compassionate towards others. Made me want to be better than them. I am actually going to start hormones soon, and on top of other fears I have, will be cutting my family out of my life. I can’t be 25 with a full beard and getting misgendered by my family. I can’t do it. They may feel like I’m going too far, that I don’t have to do this, but I do. I’m not doing this because I didn’t get too much attention as a kid or my mom favored my brother over me, I’m not doing this because it’s cool, I’m not doing this because I’m bored, I’m not doing this because I hate myself or anyone else. This is AFFIRMATION. Sometimes, cutting people who can’t see you for who your really are out of your life is affirming too.

Guys, girls, people, keep your head up. Things get better, I know. I thought life was never going to get better so I know that’s what it can feel like. But it does. Never ever let someone control your life or who you are. You’re beautiful/handsome/amazing! You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin and to love who you are. I am getting there, we all are.

Love,

Tanner M.

[tmitransitioning]

im the anon from the canadian politics blog and i need to ask, what does "well documented dysphoria" mean? would i need to see a therapist? ive been dysphoric since middle school but i cant say its been documented at all.

Hey! I’m glad you saw that reply. I’m the same person, just using sentence case.

“Well documented” in this context (top surgery access in British Columbia, for other people reading) means that a medical professional has evaluated you and decided that you would qualify for a paper diagnosis of “gender dysphoria". This doesn’t mean that you have to have been seeing that person for your entire life—your retroactive assessment counts. They’ll ask you questions about how long you’ve known you’re trans, if you experienced any specific dysphoria going through puberty, what your feelings about your secondary sex characteristics are, things like that. It’s perfectly okay for you to say that you started feeling dysphoric in middle school; you don’t need external proof of that, they take your personal narrative into account.

This doesn’t mean you need to see a therapist specifically. Trans Care BC has an excellent walkthrough here on how the surgical referral process happens; in most cases, this process starts with your PCP or family doctor, who can send the actual referral form to Trans Care. If that doctor isn’t qualified to evaluate you on how ready for surgery you are, then they’ll also refer you to a second doctor or mental health professional who’s received specific training to understand dysphoria and trans healthcare, and that doctor will ask you questions about your dysphoria, as well as about what motivates you to want surgery. This is where they decide if you fit the diagnostic criteria for the provincial medial system.

You also might have the option of just seeing one doctor for this, depending on where you are—there’s a services directory for BC here; most of them are support groups, but Blue Pine in Prince George and Three Bridges in downtown Vancouver will both allow you to call them directly and ask to be evaluated by one of their doctors for surgery (or hormones). In this case, the same doctor both sends the referral form and evaluates you, which is typically faster because then you don’t have two offices trying to talk at each other.

I personally went through the one-doctor option, so my experience is based on that, but the actual evaluation was over three clinic visits that were about 1-2 weeks apart. The first one was a brief discussion about how long I’d been identifying as transgender and what was motivating me to seek medical care, and then a physical health check and history, including bloodwork and family medical history.

The second visit was a lot more in-depth about dysphoria; the doctor asked me what my experience of puberty was like, and how I felt about my body as both a child and an adolescent. He also asked me about the kind of gender expression I wanted in my body, and what I’d done over my life to try and achieve that—haircuts, binding, packing, etc. He also briefly asked about my sex life, because I was there for hormones before surgery, and you’re not supposed to get pregnant on T, but the questions were not particularly invasive (and should not be). This visit also included a mental health history, including any prior diagnoses and psychologists/psychiatrists I’d seen, and what I was doing to manage those mental health conditions.

The third visit was the results of the bloodwork, the actual diagnosis, and discussing the risks/benefits of hormones and surgery. My surgery referral was complicated, because BC has only recently relaxed BMI upper limits and I came in right at the tail end of that, but when he was filling out the referral he asked me if I’d ever had surgery before and what motivated my desire for a flat chest.

TL;DR: In BC, “well-documented gender dysphoria” just means that a trans-competent medical professional has interviewed you about your personal history with your gender identity and decided that you would benefit from medical care to help alleviate your dysphoria. It doesn’t have to be long-term, and you don’t have to have outside “proof” of it from childhood or anything, you just need to talk about it with a doctor who Trans Care BC has decided knows enough about trans people to say “yes, this person should be able to access surgery”.

Additionally, though I don’t know if this applies to your situation—I have personally had a positive experience regarding access as a nonbinary person, without needing to perform a certain amount of masculinity. That may vary by location and clinic; I was a patient at Three Bridges when I was referred for surgery and prescribed hormones, and the doctor was very forthcoming about considering the access needs of nonbinary people as equally valid to those of transmasculine people who fit a very “classic” narrative of dysphoria. (Not belittling in any way.) BC is reasonably progressive, and you’re unlikely to be grilled on, like, whether or not you’ve known since age two.

- Mod Wolf

[thegallinisystem]

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

One of my followers (*cough cough @almostasgayasstartrek ) challenged me to answer all of these questions, so buckle up.

1.      Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

Sometimes. Usually only when I’m having a dissociative issue.

2.      On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

It depends on if I’ve recently watched a horror play through or not.

3.      The person you would never want to meet?

There are many. Pretty much anyone in politics.

4.      What is your favorite word?

Anything that’s easily rhymable.

5.      If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

Red maple, because the leaves are vibrant and I have sweetness inside

6.      When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

I don’t really look in the mirror unless I have to.

7.      What shirt are you wearing?

A blue shirt that has Chewbacca on it and says “Wookie of the Year”. Which is funny, because I don’t actually like Star Wars very much. But the shirt is comfy!

8.      What do you label yourself as?

Transgender, non-binary, queer, Ravenclaw, INFJ, compassionate, empath, neurodivergent

9.      Bright room or dark room?

Not too bright, but I prefer a lit room.

10.   What were you doing at midnight last night?

Believe it or not, sleeping. I know it’s hard to believe, especially for me.

11.   Favorite age you’ve been so far?

I would have to say 24. It was a good year.

12.   Who told you they loved you last?

My spouse.

13.   Your worst enemy?

Probably myself. I tend to sabotage myself a lot.

14.   What is your current desktop picture?

(insert desktop photo here)

15.   Do you like someone?

Yes actually. Sometimes it hurts being polyromantic, because even though I’m currently in a relationship, we’ve all talked about having romantic relationships with others. So there’s this person I like who I met a couple months ago, but I know they’re not ready or interested in a relationship and I don’t know if they ever will be. Man, it’s been a while since I’ve had to deal with unrequited love.

16.   The last song you listened to?

https://soundcloud.com/tophouserecordings/bass-farmers-unsettling-ft-nathan-brumley-original-mix

17.   You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

My father. Because then he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone and hopefully he’s got life insurance, which would help the rest of my family.

18.   Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Mostly all of the politicians in power right now, save a couple of senators who aren’t incredibly evil.

19.   If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

Jeff Bezos. Firstly, he’d transfer me and each of my friends $1 million. Then, he’d sign a legally binding contract changing how things work at Amazon so that employees actually get what they deserve. Then, he would pay to end world hunger and create housing for the homeless. He’d also pay for all of the people who are trying to transition to get the surgeries they need. I would find a way to do all of this in a legally binding way so that he couldn’t come back and try to sue once the day is over.

20.   What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

It’s not great at the moment, but I take a lot of pride in my hair.

 21.   If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

There is a flaw with this question in that it assumes there are only two genders or sexes, and therefore there can be an opposite. The spectrum is wide and diverse biologically and narrowing it down to simply what genetalia you have on the outside is a disservice to that diversity.

22.   Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

I have the ability to bring a crowd wherever I go. People call me a trendsetter, but it’s happened so many times that it’s uncanny.

 23.   What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

Having the people around me turn out to be like the abusive people in my past. It hasn’t actually happened since 2013, but I’ve had some close calls and they’ve been terrifying.

 24.   You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Well firstly, we’ll start with toasted gluten free bread because of my stomach. Then, we’ll do cracked pepper turkey with mayo and Dijon mustard. Toss in some spinach, lettuce, tomato, red onion, and pickles and you’ve got a great sandwich.

 25.   You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

 Putting it in my top surgery fund, which you can find here!

26.   You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? Anywhere with a beach would be great by me.

 27.   An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

 Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac because one bottle of the stuff is worth nearly $2 million and I could sell it and be set for life. (I don’t drink so actually having it for me wouldn’t do me any good)

 28.   You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? 

Everyone gets equal rights. Period.

 29.   What is your favorite expletive?

Oh Nut!

30.   Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

I would either grab my laptop or reginald (insert picture of reginald here). It’s a serious debate for me, because reginald is my prized possession. But my laptop has a whole bunch of stuff on it that I really don’t want to lose.

31.   You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Trump getting elected.

32.   You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

That is the COOLEST reason for getting kicked out of the country. Honestly, if I had the money, I’d take my family and move to Europe where they have universal healthcare and know that human rights are for everyone.

33.   The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

I would totally hang out with Death from The Sandman, she’s amazing. I’m not sure I would bring anyone back, because bringing people back from the dead has a whole bunch of repercussions that I don’t think we really know how to deal with.

34.   What was your last dream about?

I don’t really remember my dreams that well.

35.   Are you a good chopstick user?

I’d say so. When I have the option of using chopsticks, 9 times out of 10 I will because I can feed myself with them. I’m not good enough that I’m confident I don’t make faux paus though.

 36.   Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Yes, I was admitted to a mental facility twice this past year.

37.   Have you ever built a snowman?

I built several as a kid! One in my backyard lasted for a good couple of weeks.

38.   What is the color of your socks?

Not currently wearing socks.

 39.   What type of music do you like?

Depends on my mood, but I’m almost always in the mood for some electronica.

 40.   Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

I think sunrises are prettier, but I don’t like being awake at the time of day that they usually happen.

41.   What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

Chocolate malt

42.   What football team do you support?

None? I don’t like football.

43.   Do you have any scars?

I’ve got several on my knees from when I was a kid and played outside all the time. I’ve also got a few on my arms from self harm.

44.   What do you want to be when you graduate?

I graduated 4 years ago, so this question is moot.

45.   If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

The severity of my mental illness.

46.   Are you reliable?

I don’t feel like I am. My poor physical and mental health means that I have to back out of things a lot and I hate it.

47.   If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

What helped you heal from the trauma of my past.

48.   Do you hold grudges?

Not usually.

49.   If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

A dog that lives longer than 12 years in a healthy way. I know that the question is looking for something like a liger, but this is more fun.

 50.   What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

I’ve had a lot of unusual conversations, so it’ll be hard to pick.

 51.   Are you a good liar?

I can be, but not if it’s for a game. Usually only when I’m trying to hide my mental or emotional health, which I haven’t done for a couple months.

 52.   How long could you go without talking?

I have gone several days without talking.

 53.   What has been you worst haircut/style?

I went to a super cuts once and the hairdresser gave me the choppiest haircut ever and a bunch of the strands weren’t even the same length. It was horrible.

 54.   Have you ever baked your own cake?

I’ve actually done it a lot more lately because of my allergies.

 55.   Can you do any accents other than your own?

Not well.

 56.   What do you like on your toast?

Peanut butter.

 57.   What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

I was trying to express something in therapy so it was more of an abstract piece.

 58.   What would be you dream car?

Something with amazing gas mileage.

 59.   Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

I sometimes do oil pulling, where I swish coconut oil around in my mouth.

 60.   Do you believe in aliens?

Oh boy do I. I wrote a ton of poems about aliens in high school.

 61.   Do you often read your horoscope?

No. I don’t really believe in horoscopes.

 62.   What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

X! It’s my gender marker now!

 63.   Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

How about yes.

 64.   What do you think about babies?

I don’t really care for them and I’m definitely not having any of my own.

 65.   Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

If you qualified for a wish from the make a wish foundation, what would your wish be?

I’ve thought about this one a lot, actually. When I was younger, I probably would have done something with animals, like being able to take care of them or go behind the scenes or something. I didn’t care much about the money or the big grandiose wishes like what I have now. I think I was a simple child.

[thisiskindagross]

Better late than never. Here’s your question dump for some things y’all have been curious about. I did 55 questions.

1. why does heaven get to distribute death sentences to the Fallen if they decide to directly serve satan? I'm talking about what happened with ipos and sheila. Did the fallen have to sign a contract or something saying they cant talk to satan after the fall? why would heaven even care, since the fallen chose to leave heaven on their own free will and aren't their business anymore?

Heaven’s strange in the sense that they give themselves that authority. They are aware that the Fallen follow Satan and have pledged their allegiance to him, so they don’t care if they have contact with him; however, there are a select few Fallen that Heaven doesn’t want talking to Lucifer about certain things. Ipos was one of those people. They pretty much told him not to discuss anything involving Heaven as a whole, or giving Lucifer any help to give him an edge during the Apocalypse or else they’d punish or kill them depending on how severe the information was. So Ipos finding out about the Horsemen and where they were and telling Lucifer was a big enough deal to Heaven for them to shut him down.

2. So Michael fights with a torch, Zad fights with a knife, and Chamuel fights with two short sickles. Do the other archangels have distinct weapons like these? If so, what are they?

Uriel has God’s light, Gabriel has a spear, and Jophiel has the wheels of fire on his ankles since he’s the fastest angel. Raphael doesn’t have a troop to command so he’s not great at fighting, but he does have something that comes up in the Memory Arc later that he uses.

3.  I noticed during the "Wager" update that Pestilence has a scar going down her back. How did she get it?

This is kinda not released yet so I’ll be vague, but it’s not so much of a scar as it is an orifice.

4.  We know that Zadkiel put Satan's summoning symbols on a pad to "protect him during the End of Days", but why specifically? Like did Zadkiel know that Natalie was the prophecy child from the get-go and wanted to get her on Luce's side? Or was it just to delay the fight between him and Michael?

They did not know specifically Natalie was the prophecy child, it was more of a gamble. It was done to delay the fight because Michael isn’t the kind of person to harm someone in a contract, so the unlucky person who got contracted to Satan was like a temporary meat shield so to speak.

5.  About how far are we into the story you envisioned telling?

This is hard to answer cuz I have something planned at a later date, but I’d say a decent amount in.

6.  Which of the angels/demons would be the best with kids? I feel like Anthea and Gabriel would be great parents tbh

Gabriel, Chamuel, Anthea, Uriel, to name a few.

7.  what's titus' birthday?

October 23. I believe I said a different date in a stream once, but I changed my mind and set this as the official date.

8.  Has Michael ever been put in the Tank? What was his reaction?

He has never been in the Tank before.

9.  Why wasn’t Raphael punished for healing Natalie at Oregon? He helped out the "other side" too, it wasn't just Gabe. Did Michael never find out about Raphael's involvement? Or DID he know and he just chose to punish Gabe because he's the one that dragged Raphael into the situation? Love your work btw!

Michael knew Raphael was involved, but I think a little bit of him was sympathetic since he had been stabbed and poisoned and was on his death bed not long before this.

Since I haven’t publicly explained what the Tank is or does yet, I have to be vague. But Raphael is the only angel in Heaven forbidden from even going near the building where they keep the Tank. There is actually a sign on the door and guards forbidding Raphael from entering the building. Since Raphael is the only healer of Heaven and he’s a very depressed/easily influenced person, the higher ups don’t think the Tank would be a beneficial punishment for him.

10.  How did Raguel get his job? Like what about him stood out to Heaven? Does he just hide his sociopathic tendencies well lol

Raguel was created purposefully with the intent of being a replacement angel if one of the Archangels were to die. The Higher Ups asked God to make them an angel as a sort of “test run” angel and he reluctantly agreed.

The Higher Ups want angels to have very little interest outside of their jobs, and not be emotionally fueled. Raguel’s literally the first attempt at a prototype of an “emotionless” angel that will only obey orders.

They’re going to find out that that’s not the case with him later.

11. Are you planning any couples?

There will be some couples, there will be some “flings” that don’t last, there will even be some children. But that stuff’s very far away UuU

12.  Hi （〜^∇^)〜 In the beginning, did you plan for Satan and Me to just be comedy and then you came up with the plot or did you have the plot in mind when you started the comic ? (By the way, I love this comic and the others you create (♥ω♥*) Keep up the good work and take as much time as you need to do so, we fans will always support you ( ˘ ³˘)♥)

I just doodled, though I had no interest in keeping it a comedy. I like drama/angst with comedic and romantic elements. But no, I just went with whatever came into my head when I sat down.

Thank you for the support!

13.  does hell know that a part of natalie is still there?

Yes, it knows.

14.  Do you plan what you're going to write on each page or do you make it up as you go along?

I sit down and whatever happens, happens. I let the story dictate itself.

15.  is god going to show up again in this arc or is he just staying in his lane?

I have no intention of God showing up again this arc, but anything’s possible.

16.   I'm curious about the significance of characters that have the black iris but the colored pupil. Is that to show that the characters are more reserved, bc I've seen you do it with both Raph and Francisco and they're both on the quiet side

Pure coincidence, my friend UuU

17.  I don't know if you'll see this or if it'll be answered/has been answered already but- I was just wondering if perhaps we would be seeing War again before the comic ends? I really enjoyed his character, even though he's a little shit.

You will see War again in the Memory Arc.

18.  It seems like Kristi is always with Laila, but now a sleeping bag? Is Kristi's home life okay or is it just a sleepover?

Just a sleepover. Kristi takes some comfort clinging to Laila because Laila is calm and collected. She’s scared all the time since meeting Satan so she clings to Laila since she doesn’t know anyone else who is aware about supernatural beings, except for Natalie.

19.  How are Michael and Gabe right now I'm really worried about them!!!

Michael is upset about Lucifer’s wings and Gabriel is just getting his thoughts together after being in the Tank.

20.  Will uriel ever find out that he basically killed anthea?

Yes. Gabriel confronts him later.

21.  Sorry if you've answered this before because I couldn't find it but what does Zadkiel identify as? I know the angels and demons refer to them as she and they were a woman up in heaven (if I'm correct) but down on earth they've seemed to have favored a male form which I find really cute (and hope they continues to use throughout the comic sometimes) so yeah! Also if they are annoy would they be considered transgender or is that not a thing for the angels and demons? Hope you feel better Orange!

Zadkiel was originally intended to be written as genderfuid, but it worked out with them being nonbinary. I don’t believe they go by a specific male or female gender, but they do prefer the male form because it’s the form that they have the best success of making people submit with, unfortunately.

I wouldn’t call Zadkiel transgender in canon, but y’all can headcanon anything you want. Go nuts! :~)

22.  can demons and angels procreate with people? like why else would they have nuts to kick? or is just the body they're in?

They can procreate; however, it is illegal to procreate with humans. They would be executed as well as the human and child they procreated with an conceived.

23.  Here's the real question everyone should be asking. Where is Natalie's black bow/headband thing?

Perhaps it needs to make a comeback.

24.  Is Raphael still using "borrowed time"? Will that be touched on later in the comic?

Yes he is, and yes it will be.

25.  Will Zoè and Chamuel ever get some screen time together? Like it says in their profile that they're dating but Ive seen each of them like once or twice and on separate occasions

Yes, they will.

26.  WAIT! Why has no one asked this? What happened to Carla after the hospital situation?!

Michael delivered her back to her housing district in Heaven and left it at that.

27.  For some reason the Here It Comes comic account is marked as sensitive content suddenly. Is there anything you or myself could do about it?

While Satan and Me is relatively tame, Here it Comes is Mature in every sense of the the word. That blog has been set as a mature blog so you’d need to manually go into your settings to turn the safety off and you can see it again :~)

28.  Have you ever considered submitting a pitch bible to like Cartoon Hangover of Mercury Filmworks before? You have plenty of content and support! They could probably make SaM and even some of your other stories into animations n stuff?

Tbh I have no idea who those people are lol I’m out of the loop with stuff like that.

29. Does Gabriel have any crushes atm or that will develop?

Gabriel’s still stuck on Anthea right now.

30.  quick question about ipos' book. does it reveal stuff about the future like the real ipos he's based off of or is it just this big encyclopedia?

This is more like an encyclopedia he made to help Lucifer. He was good networking and digging stuff up so it’s a highly sought after book.

31.  If you don't mind me asking, do you ignore asks sometimes? Like, questions about the comic? It's fine if you do, but I wanted to confirm because I've sent a few questions before that were never responded to and I wasn't sure if they were received and just not answered or if my computer messed up sending them (which it does a lot).

I do sometimes if I know it will be explained later in the series. But for the most part I get a lot of asks and can’t address them all, and I don’t want to clog the blog with asks. So I do these question dumps from time to time so it’s more organized.

32.  In "No More Angels" how did Titus know Uriel was an archangel? Just from the sound of his voice? Uriel mentioning Raphael and Satan in the first panel might answer my question but I wasn't sure if he was just talking to himself or not.

Titus could feel stronger auras from people. They gave him headaches growing up, a sort of “side effect” of self preservation from Cain’s curse. He also did a lot of research and had seen a couple of supposed sightings of angels. Uriel happened to be one of those of the two he knew about.

33. you said that satan hates humans and sees them as beneath him and lower than dirt. how does this compare with how he sees natalie, since she is a human?

I’m sure he struggles with that from time to time, but her pros outweigh her cons. It’s shown sometimes in the series that he doesn’t like humans and finds a lot about them unappealing, exp: anytime she cries or drools or has a runny nose and he calls it leaking.

This will be touched upon later in the next Arc. Natalie isn’t just some positive kid who swayed an ancient heart. There is another element to it but I can’t say it right now.

34.  Does the devil ever get self-conscious about all the different depictions of himself and now he may or may not be able to live up to some of them?

It frustrates him a lot, but he can’t really do much about it.

35. I know you've had S&M planned out for a long while, but do you ever get to an arc and it just veers off wildly in a new direction? Or does it always get back to where you're going somewhere down the line?

Key elements stay the same, but yes, the events and characters just do what they want and I get surprised sometimes how different it turns out than originally intended.

The warehouse scene with Jericho and Natalie using her contract was out of left field and I was like “What the fuck are you saying?!” when Natalie used it because the original goal was to keep them contracted till the very end of the series. Sometimes stuff like that happens lol But it works out and I love it.

36.  In The Beginning, when Zad defected, Michael blamed Lucifer, and Lucifer made him think he'd actually been controlling Zad's actions. But I noticed Michael was all betrayed and surprised when that happened, so my question is, did Michael still have some sort of faith or trust in Lucifer until the Zadkiel incident? Cuz that seemed to prompt this character shift in Michael where he got broodier and less trusting?

I think Michael struggles with his denial about his brother. He’s floating on a blurred line of who he remembers Lucifer being and who he is in the present. The incident with Zadkiel made him a bit broodier because even though Lucifer’s an asshole, Michael never thought he’d stood so low as to blood poison his siblings. So that surprised him how cavalier he was being about taking credit for this. Like he lost some respect for Lucifer then.

37.  I have a question. Back in the beginning, there was that one day when Satan was all happy cuz he said it was game day and the world was gonna end. And then we went on this whole journey that ended in Run and basically didn't talk about it again. So why didn't the world end?

Game day meant that date was to start the beginning of the Apocalypse. Both sides were free to do anything they wanted, as agreed upon by Heaven, the Fallen, the Horsemen, and God. Before that they were coexisting but all parties going forward from that date were going to actively try to fuck over each other and drag humanity into it.

38.  I was rereading the entire comic (cuz jesus fuck I can't stop) and I found a thing. Before Run, Satan was always reading this blue book, and Nat would bust in and ask him a question or something. But the book always looked exactly the same. So was there anything particularly important about that book, or was it just always there?

It’s his favorite book. He has limited access to entertain himself stuck in Natalie’s home, so he’s reread the same books over and over.

39.  I noticed something. We've seen a bit of pre-fall Lucifer, and he looks different from both 'Stan' and the Satan we usually see now. Is there a reason he doesn't take his angel form anymore?

Pre-Fall Satan is tiny. It’s not intimidating enough, so Lucifer chooses to not take that form. He actively puts energy all day to maintain his bigger form, and would do so even fighting Michael, despite the fact if he reverted to his original form he would have more energy to fight. If he gets hurt badly enough or gets mentally compromised you can see him start regressing to his original form.

40.  Okay, so I was wondering. In that first arc when we met everybody, you could tell that Michael had been trying to catch up with Lucifer for a while, but he was also the one who ripped his wings off and threw him out. So I was curious, what was their first encounter after the fall like? And how did they get to that point?

Their first substantial encounter after the Fall is a story in the Bible where they argue over Moses’ dead body. They had casually run into each other before that but made no direct contact other than eye contact across a crowd.

Michael and Lucifer have had minimal contact since the Fall, hence why Satan’s reactions to Michael’s presence early on usually resorted in shocked anger and beating the shit out of him. How much contact they’ve had since Natalie came into the picture hasn’t happened since pre-Fall.

41.  Was Death created by God after or at the same time humans were created? Why does he hate Satan so much?

God created Death when he created the angels. He needed a mediator or a balance of sorts, since he established life he needed Death for consequences.

Death hates Satan because he taught his followers how to make contracts with humans and disrupt where their souls were going. Death is very particular about his job and Satan interferes too much. He also thinks he’s smug, entitled, and pompous. Which he is, so you can’t really fault him on that lol

42.  Hey orange, I'm not sure if this'd be spoilers or not, but is hellLuci a soul or a personification of hell or something? Who is he? And why hasn't he tortured Nat or something?

“Hell Satan” is a conglomerate of human souls taking Lucifer’s form to bother Natalie and gain her trust to mess with her. These souls do that to Lucifer too occasionally, where it takes Natalie’s form now it used to take Michaels. Pretty much whatever a close person is to Satan or Natalie, it morphs to it.

The main soul that usually talks the most when in Hell Satan’s form used to be a human named David, but since Hell fuzes souls together as one unity, it’s not likely he has any sense of individuality, just personality traits. Such as intrigue in long hair, as well as playing mind games.

Hell Satan takes its time before going straight into depravity, hence why when Natalie’s soul was removed from Hell, it was even willing to risk being pulled under into the lake to get her back. It feels robbed, and that’s a good way to get an immediate reaction from Hell.

43.  Is Satan's desperately thinking of asking Michael to help him because he's scared and he didn't mean for this to happen and he doesn't know what to do and he's lost and HE NEEDS HIS BIG BROTHER, a further sign of Natalie causing him to revert to the part of his nature that cares for others like he used to back when he and Michael were close????? Also Natalie made a bet in the early chapters were she said she'd get him to care about one person before the end of the world, does he remember that?

Yes, he remembers that. And yes, Satan’s go to to fix something if he ever thought he couldn’t would be to seek out Michael for help. It’s not intentional, but it’s his first instinct before he represses it. Boy needs to get out of denial.

44.  I saw the Group SaM Asks, but, I really wanted to ask if angels could still date humans? or be around them frequently, like Michael and kristi?

You can be around them but you cannot date them, marry them, have children with them. It’s also an unspoken rule to keep your identity a secret.

45. Why was Satan the only angel in heaven to not have any piercings? Did that have something to do with why he was able to rebel?

God gave “special case” angels no piercings, in a way of hinting that something was going to go down with a particular angel. Most angels noticed the ones without piercings, but didn’t know what it meant till after the fall. Now any angel without a piercing is looked at suspiciously, just in case.

46. I'm in a lot of fandoms who the fandom is very lighthearted but the fangroup is very dark *cough me cough * but this fandom here is talking about FREAKING SATAN and the fangroup is so lighthearted and is joking,playing pranks, ...I have to ask HOW?!

I don’t know, but it’s my favorite thing in the world

47.  Based off of his reaction, was Hell's chatter constant (like 24/7) even when Lucifer's seals weren't leaking?

Yes, it was never ending whispers/static in his head. When Natalie shut it off he was in shock for a while and zoned out for a bit because he wasn’t used to silence.

48.  What was laila's natural hair color?

Very light brown.

49. So I'm curious, what ever happened to Max's biological father? He and Carla divorced, but then what? Is he still part of Max's life? Did he die? Did he mutate into a zombie and become an extra on the Walking Dead? Sorry if this has already been asked, btw

He’s a deadbeat. Teen father, too hard, walked out. Not really part of the picture.

50.  IT BREAKS MY HEART HOW MICHAEL STILL INVITES HIM EVERY YEAR. The relationship between Michael and Lucifer is almost as big a part of the comic as Lucifer and Natalie and it's seriously heartbreaking. Could you maybe just talk a little about that?

Michael was the first angel Lucifer connected with. Michael was always very bubbly and lighthearted, which is a personality trait Lucifer gravitates towards. They were virtually inseparable and did everything together. So when Lucifer rebelled Michael took that extremely hard. He wasn’t ordered to physically retaliate when the Fallen were leaving, but he was emotional and angry and felt betrayed so he ordered the Fallen to have their wings removed if they were caught before they were kicked out so they couldn’t come back into Heaven.

Despite both of them saying they don’t care about each other anymore, it’s kinda obvious that it’s a lie. Lucifer doesn’t like seeing Michael because of old memories so he avoids him or tries to lash out/hurt him when he does see him to make himself feel better.

Natalie is the first person Lucifer developed a very close emotional bond with since Michael, and Michael is very jealous of that. Natalie and Michael are two people who aren’t aware of it that are competing in Lucifer’s heart.

51.  I just noticed in the most recent doodle dump on tapastic, there's one drawing of Natalie and lucifer kissing and lucifer is crying and his back is bleeding, and I thought it was a little weird that that "doodle" had a full background and everything. I was wondering if that was possibly the original idea for after Natalie came back to life and just got scrapped in favor of a more heartbreaking story line??

No, that was for April Fools and I let people request pairings and Natan was requested so I drew that since the current plotline at the time was so angsty lol

52.  so does pax just have a lot of libido or does he actually experience sexual attraction? just curious!

Both? I mean, he’s not picky with women. He just likes to hook up and whatever’s convenient at the time is good enough for him. However, he does have preferences and traits he prefers over others, so if given the option of fuckin Girl A who possesses 30% of his favorite traits or Girl B who possesses 80% of his favorite traits, he’d try for Girl B first if that makes sense.

53.  for the question dump: what is natalie's academic life like? like what's her GPA and has it lowered since she got involved with this end of days business? shes a senior, so was she planning on going to college? if so, what did she wanna major in? loaded question but i've always been curious

She had a relatively high GPA. She put a lot of effort into school, and tutored some classmates. Since she’s missed a lot of school her grades did go down, but not to the point that she won’t graduate if she gets at least Cs in her classes.

She is planning on going to college but not immediately. She’s a biology major.

54.  No mean to sound rude or anything like that, it's just a suggestion, but don't you think it would be better for you to have an assistant to help you for your comics?

I would, but sadly I cannot pay them anything, and I have an odd schedule so it would be too erratic to keep in touch with someone. I also don’t have anyone I trust giving access to the comic with that much authority atm, so for now it’s just gonna be lil old me :’~)

55.  Michael and Lucifer break my heart (I can relate, God). And this is kind of a huge deal now since we've got Michael feeling nostalgic about Lucifer and freaking out cause of his wings, so I have to ask: which of them is angrier at the other? And is there any chance of forgiveness on either side??? I care about this much more than I should and I need to knooooow!!! Help me Orange

Mmm... Angrier.... Idk, they’re both angry for different reasons. Currently in the comic atm I’d say Lucifer is angrier, since Michael is now just ensconced in grief over the wings. When he processes that we’ll see what stance he takes and if that sanded any of his rough edges or not.

Forgiveness is up to them UuU They’re both alike in how stubborn they are.

[07-02-2017-blog]

My experience with FFS. Part 1

I remember waking up that morning feeling like I had moved some great mountain. My surgery was scheduled for 11:30, meaning I had to be there at 9 to check in and get settled and ready for surgery. It was 7am. I finally cleared all obstacles getting me to this day, and I had nothing in front of me but this life-changing, affirming surgery.

I hurriedly got ready in comfy clothing, not bothering to put on any makeup or fuss with my hair which, by itself, made that day unlike others. I took whatever pills I could dry swallow, since I could not drink or eat anything for 12 hours prior to surgery. I was mostly grumpy due to not having eaten breakfast, and seeing my mom drink her coffee made me deeply envious.

To anyone who is reading this that hasn’t had an amazing trans related body surgery, I woke up that day with the feeling like I was going to some tropical getaway. Everyone is excited to go away somewhere exotic and tropical; and waking up on the day of travel, you feel very very antsy to get there, and you can’t believe the day has come. But you must make the day through the treacherous airport lines. I was so close to the end of that line.

My analogy of going somewhere foreign and exotic mirrors why I decided to go through with this surgery. I was finally leaving behind the harsh conditions of having my face; it was hard to be out in public and I was always cooped up inside, to then go to a place where my face could look inviting, exotic, warm, new. Once I had the new face, I would get to make all these new amazing memories that would enrich my life forever. I just had to face (no pun intended) a day of waiting; waiting to be called, waiting to be put out, waiting to go home, waiting for that amazing recovery.

My mom, as brave as she is, was nervous all morning. At the end of the day, one of her babies was going to be put under a anesthetic and undergo a five hour procedure. I think every person can relate to having a mother being nervous on the day of surgery. We went down to her rental car, and I left my apartment for the last time with my old face.

—-

During the 30 minute drive, I thought about of all the endings that were being dumped on me. My family was never going to see my face as it was ever again. I was not getting changes to the point of looking unrecognizable, but still, the next time I would be sleeping in my bed, my face would be changed forever.

We arrived early and I excitedly hopped out of the car while my mom parked. I went up to registration and told them what I was getting done, and showed them my health card. While the kind volunteer made my wristband, I said in a pleading tone “Please don’t let the sex say male—I am a girl!” I’d been to a hospital recently since then, and the nurse there had put it upon herself to assume I was a male. I could go on and on about that, but that’s for another time. I was there to get my face feminized and my wristband was NOT going to say male. Not allowed.

I then went over to the corresponding pre-op room, with my correctly female gendered wrist band thank you VERY much, and the volunteer there took me to the makeshift changing rooms, along with a key to a locker. I was instructed to strip down behind the dressing curtain, change into the hospital gowns, and store my personal belongings in the locker.

Now, as a transgender female, whenever I hear the words ‘dressing room, bathroom, strip down, or take all your clothes off’, I go into hyper defensive mode. I needed to take off everything?! Even the delicate article of clothing that hides my biggest shame? (Cis translation: my underwear. Panties. Whatever ya call em). I was completely naked; the only thing separating me from showing the whole pre op room my genital situation was a heavy linen curtain. I called my mom in to tie up the back of my dress (god bless her), finished putting on the dress, put slippers on, put on a hairnet, and bam! I was one girl lookin’ great for surgery. I was escorted into the sitting room. I waited until a nurse came to get my final vitals and ask me about my weight, height, and last foods/meds consumed. I was sitting in a chair in an unflattering, frumpy mint hospital gown, wearing nothing underneath. My junk hadn’t been free like that since 2015. On top of all of this, that this was when I started the Holy-Shit-I’m-Getting-Surgery thought process.

Between not being able to cover my body parts properly and waiting in a poorly lit room to be cut open, needless to say the panic was mounting. For a time I looked around at all the people being wheeled off to surgery and having their blood checked; then I thought holy shit, that’s gonna be me soon! And, because my insecurities always come out at the most perfect times, I was looking around wondering what gender people thought I was. I was wearing a gender neutral frumpy dress and my long brown hair was sloppily tucked into the hairnet. In my mind, every person that looked at me saw a boy. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am a woman; but pre surgery, when I couldn’t wear makeup or hair or femme outfits, I was mistaken for a male.

Uhhh, that’s wrong.

My insecurities were confirmed when a nurse called me for a final pre-surgery questioning, and she continually referred to me as he-she. No, not in the offensive way that you are thinking, what I mean is that when talking to other nurses, she would say things like "Oh yeah—I’m almost done with hi—uh her, he—she is just about to go into pre-op procedures.”

Yeah. I got that for the past two years. Well meaning people who do correct themselves and respect my identity, but nonetheless, through no fault of their own, subconsciously assign me as male. And it kills me all the same.

I was then ushered into the outside of my surgery room. There I met with the anesthesiologist, my surgeon, the main nurse helping in the surgery, etc. They all reassured me and told me the surgery is going to go amazing, and that I’d be okay. My surgeon assured me that he preforms a lot of these surgeries, and everything would be alright. Well, so much for reassuring me. I was a nervous, fidgety mess. I was about to be cut open for god sakes! My brow bone was literally about to be shaved! I consulted with my anesthesiologist about how panicked I was, and he assured me that he was gonna give me the good stuff to really make me loopy.

One of the nurses participating in my surgery came into the room, and told my mom and I that they were all ready and set up for me to go in. I tearfully hugged my mom goodbye, and told her to busy herself with her various friends while I was in surgery so she wouldn’t panic. I kissed her and she told me how brave she thought I was as I walked away with the nurse. The first thing the nurse mentioned to me is how tall I am (hey, short people: saying I’m tall is neither a compliment nor an insult. It’s just a fucking statement. You don’t have to acknowledge it. I promise you’ll be fine.) Obviously this annoyed me, and distracted me from my nervousness for a split second. Then, I was ushered into a Grey’s Anatomy-esque Operating Room (yes, I know that reference makes me basic) which shocked me back into nervousness. Holy shit. I’m getting operated on. What did I get myself into?

In retrospect, what happens next was a healthy distraction from my mind automatically thinking the worst results of my surgery. And it also realigned why I needed this surgery for MY own peace of mind. All of the operators in the room were calling me “he,” and then hastily (or not so hastily, I remember you bitches) correct themselves. I went immediately into self deprecation mode. Well yeah they misgender me because I’m not wearing anything indicating I’m female. I combatted that thought with a sense of defeat and pure frustration; even operators that are operating on someone who is getting FACIAL FEMINIZATION SURGERY wouldn’t put in the effort to try and be respectful of my identity. And then I had one final thought: with this surgery, I can go outside without trying so hard to preform ‘female’ and I can still be respected and identified naturally as a girl! That was my original goal! Let’s fucking do this!

My anesthesiologist put the IV in, and remarked that I was going to be drowsy in about five seconds. I didn’t even have time to think, and then bam. All the tension left my body. I was suddenly floating on a cloud and everything was beautiful. The assistant anesthesiologist put my oxygen mask on and said “Okay, let’s start putting him out.”

Suddenly my frustration of being misgendered there of all places was mixed with my razor sharp focus to get into this surgery and complete it. Amidst the effects of an inhibition-lowering drug, I took off my mask and yelled to the room: “She, Her, HERS! She, her herrrrrrrr-“

—-

I woke up in what felt like two minutes after being put out. I was still tremendously high from the weaning anesthesia. I felt blissful and absolutely at peace. I did it! And no pain! (just wait, Sami). The nurse said a bunch of soothing shit that went over my head. I toned her out and basked in the accomplishment. I had booked this surgery all the way back in October, and waited for it to be preformed on April 9th, 2018. I moved away from my family in the states so I could work my ass off and save for this surgery.

I’m on the other side. I can now be free! And be more Samantha than ever!

-Samantha Kru 🤠👽💀

(P.S… I will post my post ffs experience, from waking up to a month later, as soon as I can! This is long enough on its own! Haha)

[theyounganarchistmagazine]

Imagination +Pain= Dreams by Anarchy Munroe

Imagine walking into the world a fresh being; no knowledge of right, wrong, color, gender, physical sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, or what it means to be anything other than you. As you form you see others; many skin tones, shapes, sizes, and languages. Than life- like a mirror shows you what you look like.  You realize that the image of self isn’t quite matching the mental picture you’ve perceived. You see that you are comfortable in your skin, presentation, but slowly people point out that because of genitals that you have to be something contrary to your nature. You’re slowly but surely perplexed and ask why? Why do I look different than I feel?  On top of that people around you are pointing out that the skin, that youre wearing comfortably is no longer acceptable. Because of your skin tone somehow you were less than the others… People start to question your character, your identity, and your attributes because you stand out. You feel vulnerable. You feel unearthed. You feel alone. Like a teenage girl with anxiety about her weight, her acne, and her image, you start clawing at your skin. You rip, scratch, claw, beat at your flesh hoping that parts will change and shift. Maybe, if you scratch hard enough it’ll lighten up.. Maybe, if I cut at it, it’ll shift people’s perceptions,  Maybe if I change my hair color, wear color contacts, or dress more like those whom I see in a place of power in this world, it’ll work for my benefit; maybe just maybe if I change the way I talk, walk, and behave they’ll accept me… But still I am called a nigger/spic from my peers and sellout from those of my hue and community. No matter what I do- I am wrong.

Staring in the mirror I see my body and my image, isn’t what I believed it to be. I’ve seen others like me but their form isn’t the same. I have a penis where a vagina is supposed to be. I no longer have the perception of self that I once believed mattered. My life doesn’t matter. My love doesn’t matter. My heart doesn’t matter. No matter what I see I have found my identity to be unworthy, unacceptable, and torn down. Walking down the halls of school, living in my apartment complex, listening to the news, songs on the radio, messages of the church and many other religious institutions telling me that my identity is wrong- deserving of death; I am called a faggot,  abomination, sinner, and that I deserve to die. Could it be true? Could it be true that I am unworthy to be loved; could it be true that the nature of the world, the foundations that I was created from, and the womb that birth me is wrong? OR did somewhere along the way did I go wrong.. I feel hopeless.

After hate, after bulling,  after shaming, after slut shaming,  after neglect, and after rejection I am confronted with microaggression after microaggression… This is the journey of women of color. Being a woman is pain, lies, shame, and hurt. People want to exotify your identity you and abuse your being. If you aren’t white all of a sudden you’re the other. They think you’ll be their fantasy, their toy, their whore, and that you’ll fulfill their kinky sexual desires. You are not a person but an image of their imagination; a creation birthed in their mind to do whatever they want, whenever they want, and however they want. They want you to do whatever they say and whenever they want say because you don’t have a private life and you don’t deserve to be loved. Countless times, I am told what I am “supposed” to look like, talk like, and how I am not good enough. When we say no, we are told that are whores, sluts, disease ridden, and disgusting; a slew of microaggressive phrases, lies, and exaggerations thrown at  you but when you fight back youre in the wrong.

Intersex or TransWomen of Color are here to objectified, marginalized, subjugated into a box so demenished of love and life that we end up in sex work as a form of survival. In school we are taught that are bodies are here to the pleasure of the video vixen. I am supposed to be hyper sexual, twerk, and be all the things that “Whyte women aren’t”.. these are all Microagressions. I am supposed to have long nails, hair straight, always dolled up, and I am supposed to not exist until I am told too. I am not supposed to infringe on any males life because I should be just happy with the emotional leftovers that come from their dick. I am taught that I am too be smart but not too smart that I challenge any males manhood, ego, self esteem, self respect, or self perception. Unless he enjoys that than I should be that and all the above things his caregiver as well. Before I get too far ahead of myself I have to stop to remind everyone that I am supposed to be stealth at all points in time as well except when a man tells me it’s okay. Stealth means that intersex and transwomen (people born with either chromosomal, sexual, or reproductive organs that that don’t identify necessarily with the traits that a doctor says one is supposed to be at birth (intersex) or may have been born with a penis but identify with cisgender women or gender non gender conforming individuals (trans)) should do their best to be as close to the what “regular woman” look, act, behave, and live like Cisgender women. Cisgender is a person born one gender and identify with the gender they were born as. So just as I have stated above, I am supposed to as stealth as possible, passable (aka socially acceptable), hyper sexual, open, available, nurturing, motherly, invisible, have perfect vocal pitch/tone, pure, and yet, virginal. Everyday. Single. Day. I am supposed to be all these things to every male I meet: while being closeted about what I am, I’m still supposed to tell everyone I meet so no feels like they are being deceived/tricked. So please tell me how we supposed to live? How are we supposed to survive but be all these things to everyone?

It’s like socially conditioning, gas lighting, and abuse all the time. Literally in this world of constantly being the other you have to be strong or you won’t make it. According to the Washington Times,” More than 41 percent of those identifying as “transgender” or gender nonconforming who have attempted suicide, compared with 4.6 percent of the overall U.S. population who report a lifetime suicide attempt. It is also higher than the 10-20 percent of lesbian, gay and bisexual adults who report ever attempting suicide. These data come from a study by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and UCLA’s Williams Institute, which analyzed results from the National Transgender Discrimination Survey. More than a dozen other studies since 2001 have found similar results for alarmingly high rates of suicide for transgender individuals like Chelsea Manning.” This doesn’t count those who weren’t interviewed. This isn’t adding those who ended their lives, were killed, or lost in the mix of life.

Before Laverne Cox can anyone name a Woman of Color who was trans in main stream America in the last 20 years? Can you name any woman of color that is trans or intersex that has made it mainstream without being a sex worker first? Almost all of them have been through it because the incredible amount of discrimination that we face trying to get jobs, look well, be mentally healthy, date, and just be ourselves. It’s so hard that we can’t ourselves. We’re constantly fighting, surviving, and trying to live. It’s difficult when over 60%  to 90% of the trans or intersex people I’ve known have no biological family to go or turn to for help. That means, when life falls apart we’ve either got to depend of the system or the people around us for help. It’s impossible to make it without help. Medication, education, awareness, and learning to survive, live, and POSSIBLY survive all comes with a price. Hormones, surgery, medication, and mental help all come with a hefty price tag and we are constantly trying to take care of it all while warring with the expectations that are laid upon us. Here’s been a snippet of the population that is constantly being oversexed, overstretched, and constantly being violated but we fight to survive.

Ive known the struggle of trying to be socially conscience, be a woman that I am proud of while, still trying to make people around me happy. My struggle isn’t alone; my struggle is than forced on others around me because they are near me. They become stigmatized, shamed, hated, and discriminated against. My life, our lives, can be and often are hell.  We fight for crumbs but often give up when the pain, weight, and hurt of the world becomes too much. People like to stigmatize us, limit us to our genitals, and socially condition us to be all that they want us to be but when we fight against that to become our own; own our sexuality, own our identity, fight against conformity, and demand to stand our ground we are often forced into a corner. This is why so many us end up dead, simply existing is a threat to power structure that tells us we shouldn’t exist.