#he doesn’t want to live the kind of life where love is always toxic and you don’t know how to apologise and nothing is safe or sacred

[theclaravoyant]

I’m currently choosing to believe that the Ed Izzy situation is a bit like the Ed Stede situation . because when is it not . because they’re falling into patterns they had before (just sometimes funnier). they’re falling into patterns where they never apologise and never acknowledge the pain , shits just fucked up, they’re just troubled , that’s how it be as a pirate . they just let it sit unspoken because they’ll be fine because they always are and they love each other because of course they do . but they’re also changing . they’re realising what is not healthy . they’re realising that they want things to change and that they have the power to change things between them . it’s hard work. but it’s what love is

[a-hazbin-reader]

OK ANOTHER IDEA

OK SO WE KNOW THAT ALASTOR IS A MAMAS BOY AND HAS AN AMAZING RELATIONSHIP WITH HER

SO WHAT IF ALASTOR HAD A FEM S/O BUT SHE HAS A TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIP WITH HER MOM, ITS JUST SO EMOTIONALLY TOXIC (especially with reader being an older sibling)

reader never tells him though because alastors relationship with his mom is good and she doesn’t wanna make him feel bad whenever he talks about her and one day readers mom comes to the hotel and reader DREADS it and becomes snappy but readers mom wins everyone over (of course alastor too). So when reader explains that she doesn’t want her mom around alastor can’t understand why and reader feels betrayed its only later when readers mom shows her true colors towards reader. And reader of course bites back (or at least tries too)

So basically angst to fluff and SORRY IF THATS SO MUCH😭😭

👀 Mommy issues??? 👀

Alastor X Reader Headcanons

✅️Romantic

❌️Platonic

TW: Emotionally Abusive mother, Reader suffering, Reader gets grabbed a few times, Ambiguous ending for mama

Description: ☝️⬆️

When it comes to mothers, it's safe to say you and Alastor had very different experiences

His mother was full of warmth and kindness towards him, doing her best to build him up into a great man

She loved him greatly and it shows whenever he talks about her

But your mother?? Your mother saw you as fucking competition and always found ways to put you down, to make herself better than you

Well maybe she should be the one who was cooking the meals, getting your younger siblings off to school on time or making sure everyone had clean clothes

Just the thought of her made your stomach flip and your legs shake

She would put you down all your life while claiming it was so that you could be a great woman just like her, but not too great, you have to remember who the better woman is

Well now you're both in hell so-

You put as much distance between her and yourself as you could, living your afterlife without her influence

You even got yourself a handsome powerful overlord boyfriend and new friends to share your life with

Even though you're supposed to be in hell, you couldn't be happier

At least you were until your mother showed up at the hotel, her face full of faux worry and tears

"Oh my precious girl! This is where you've been hiding? I was so worried!!"

Before Charlie can even shut the door, your mother has already shoved her way inside and literally dug her claws into you, hugging you

It's all you can do not to throw up, smothered by her familiar scent and grip, hearing her voice again after all this time

"Now let Mommy take a look at you-oh!!! And here I was worried that you were starving! Good to know you've put some weight on those bones!"

And it's already starting-

And now she's crying and rocking you in her arms, cooing about how much she's missed you and how she's never letting you go again

Charlie and the others are just staring at the two of you, completely enraptured by your mother, like everyone always is

She loved being the center of attention

When you finally come to your senses you push her away and create some distance, disturbed by the worried looks everyone is giving her

"Mom, why are you here?"

Oh don't everyone look at you like you're the bad guy!! She's the one who's only here because she wants something!!

"Maybe I wouldn't have to come track you down if you would just visit your poor mother every once in a while...she never even calls me, you know!"

And now she's crying again, Charlie immediately going to comfort her while Vaggie gives you a dirty look

Fucking mommy issues much? Don't fall for this crap

"I don't want to visit you, so just leave-"

"Well now, who is this~?"

Alastor! Yes! He can make her leave! You turn to give your boyfriend a pleading look but your mother catches his attention first

"Oh don't worry about who I am.. just a poor lonely mother who came to see her daughter...but I guess I'll show myself out.."

Alastor doesn't have to guess who she's talking about, even in death you always looked like your mother

His smile gets surprisingly warm and soft, taking your mother's hand in his own in a disgusting display of affection that used to only be for you

"You're Y/N's mother? My my, I should've guessed! You must have so many stories of her from her life! I simply must insist that you say."

ALASTOR NO

You feel sick but nobody notices, your mother already soaking up their attention and winning their hearts

So you turn and leave the hotel, unable to stand being in her presence any longer, you don't miss the smug look she gives you on your way out

You spend all day trying to avoid going back to the hotel until you're sure your mother is gone

You're more than disappointed to find her drinking tea with Alastor, the two of them laughing, her placing her hand on top of his

She always used to try and go after your boyfriends and that hasn't changed either

She hasn't changed

"Oh darling~! We hadn't realized you left! Alastor and I were simply having a moment~"

Alastor lights up when he sees you, only to be visibly confused by your troubled expression

"Y/N! Your mother was just telling me about her life before you! She was quite a wildcard back then!"

Your mother is practically drooling over him, rubbing his hand and winking

"I'm still wild if you ever care to find out!"

You've had it

You tug your mother's hand off of Alastor, forcing her to stand up and look you in the eyes

"You need to leave! Right now!"

And here come the waterworks again

"Y/N..! Darling, what did I do wrong? I'm your mother please don't throw me out like this!"

You just start pushing her towards the door and you slam it shut behind her, sighing in relief

That is until you look at Alastor's face, his smile seeming strained

"Y/N! You can't just throw her out like that, not only is that bad manners but that's no way to treat the woman who raised you!"

Raised you? You raised yourself!!

"Alastor, you don't know what you're talking about so please just stay out of it. You don't know what she's like-"

You're trying to stay calm-

"She's your mother, it's not like she's some evil creature-"

"SHE'S IN HELL OF COURSE SHE'S EVIL-"

"So are you and I, my dear."

You try to put your foot down, tell him that you don't want her here but he's already opening the door for her and letting her back in

She looks so pleased with herself

He invites her to stay the night because of course he does, he would do it for his own mother so why not yours

You try not to give her the satisfaction of seeing you cry but your eyes are already hot and watery

"I-I'm going to bed..!"

Alastor calls for you, trying to resolve things then and there but the only response he gets is your door slamming shut

He goes to go after you but your mother stops him with a gentle hand to the shoulder

"Now now...let her cool off for a bit then I'll go make sure she's alright, a mother always knows how to cheer up her child~"

It feels like you spend hours crying in your bed, feeling so hurt that Alastor took her side over yours

Your mom isn't like his, she doesn't nurture, she just takes from you and bullies you

Later, just when you've about cried yourself to sleep, you hear the bedroom door open

"Alastor..?"

"Not a chance, pet."

Now what does she want

"Why are you even here?"

Suddenly she pounces on you, grabbing your wrists tightly, eyes wild with fury she must've been containing this whole time

You don't even know why she's so mad at you, you haven't seen her in years-

"You think you're better than me now, is that it? Now that you're on your own, living in some fancy hotel, got some powerful boytoy, hiding behind hell's princess?"

As a kid, she seemed so strong but now you easily rip out of her grasp and manage to create some distance between you two

"I'm not hiding behind anyone! I'm just trying to get away from you!"

"Oh no no no, that's not how this works! I am your mother! If I have to be miserable and live in filth then so do you!"

"Why are you even here!?"

"Because it's not fair! I deserve to be here! Not some ungrateful little bitch who just happened to fall out of me!"

She lunges at you and you try to dodge her but she manages to grab you by your hair, yanking you back

You're about to start swinging when Alastor is suddenly there, watching the two of you in bewilderment

Then that bewilderment melts away into understanding, then anger

The radio sounds in the room are suddenly deafening, your mother letting go of you so she can cover her ears

You take the chance to kick her away, watching as she tumbles and loses consciousness from the impact

Alastor kneels beside you but you flinch away from him, still feeling hurt

"Y/N...I'm so sorry..." He does look properly ashamed, his smile a little watery

"Why didn't you just tell me that she was like this..?"

How could you even begin to start?? That you didn't want to somehow sour his opinion of mothers by telling him about your own?

That you didn't want him to feel guilty for having a mother who loved him while you grew up having to be a mother to your siblings because your own mom had none to give??

It's just word vomit at this point, but Alastor simply gathers you into his arms, tutting as he checks your scalp and fixes your hair

When he gets to your wrists where your mother grabbed than his smile turns positively venomous, giving your mother a deadly look

"What do you want me to do with her? Anything you ask..."

You're a little irritated that he brought her up, having been too relaxed by the feeling of his lips against your palm

"I just want her out of here..."

And that's all it takes, Alastor calls for Niffty and has her take out the trash, her scuttling out gleefully while dragging your mother

Niffty doesn't even care, she's just happy to have a new toy

You didn't realize how stressed out you were until it was just the two of you, Alastor rubbing your back soothingly

You don't know when you fall asleep but when you wake up Alastor is kissing the side of your face, looking as apologetic as he can be

You manage to convince him to apologize in morning snuggles and by the time you two come downstairs everyone else is awake

"Where is Y/N's mom?"

Not Niffty giggling and running out of the room

Alastor simply shakes his head and wraps an arm around your waist to hold you closer

"She is gone and won't ever be visiting again, I would like to ask that nobody brings her up again~"

Something about the way he says it manages to shut everyone up

Alastor takes you out to eat your favorite breakfast and spends the day spoiling you

He doesn't bring up the events of last night until the two of you are in bed, entangled in each other's arms

"You didn't ruin my opinion of mothers, you know."

"I didn't?"

"No, in fact, it sounds like you were quite the mother back in your day~"

Not his hand rubbing your belly

OH MAMA THIS ONE TOOK ALL DAY! I hope you liked it!!

[sm-baby]

Able strikes me as… the kind of person that does things right naturally. Like for the carnival AU, I bet in real life he was just good at everything without even trying. Everyone likes him, he’s just great in his own, I bet him and Caine even look similar, like the kind where the real only difference is maybe height, and style.

Caine is the younger brother that is jealous, he is extremely jealous even if he doesn’t want to be. He wants to be content with himself, but it is so damn hard with a sibling that even unintentionally looms over you. Getting mistaken for them at places, and when people meet you it’s always “Oh you’re Able’s brother” or “oh I hope you’ll be like him” and it’s a little flattering but mostly discouraging mentally. He wants to be like Able, but he knows he can’t.

Like a couple years back when my sister graduated a year early in high school, literally a cyber expert by the time she got out, and already years in on collage work, meanwhile I was your average struggling student, so even though she’s my favorite older sibling, we look similar, sound similar, hell, some people have mistaken me for her but with shorter hair. I know that having someone loom over you like that, someone everyone likes, everyone loves, and is just better in every way, it makes you go to the darkest places at times.

And that’s just me— from what you’ve said of Caine’s family, they just seem toxic. Caine if five times better than me and even my older sister who’s amazing, he knows so many languages and is so awesome in general, yet his parents have the nerve to do his. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a fucked up yin-yang sibling story, so I can really sort of relate to what u assume Caine is going through. It’s hard when you have similar interests, looks, and so much more with someone, yet everyone just loves them, and not you, and you have no clue why. And you want to be proud, you are proud, you’re happy, but some part of you deep inside just wishes you didn’t exist, or that the person you’re always compared to didn’t exist, so then no one would be able to compare you. Sometimes it’s obvious, people saying the differences, other times it’s fully a mental thing, I never was compared to my older sister by parents, but it’s a like a part of me knew that I was insignificant.

If it’s anything like the personal relationship I have with this person in my life, Caine and Able are close, but there are moments where it just bubbles through, the destain and/or harsh thoughts finally get to the surface of the water. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was an argument because Caine snapped at Able and started talking about how damn great Able is to everyone. My older sibling seems a bit like Able, and she never was forced into being perfect, it’s just natural for them. It’s a rocky relationship, when you know you love that person, that sibling means the world to you, but there’s that envy in part of you. I would sort of like it if this is expanded on more, maybe just a bit because I find it somewhat personal, you don’t have to, but I think it would be interesting if this was specifically shown somewhere. Siblings relationships are tough, but I personally know that… this particular style, the kind of sibling relationship I have with that one older sibling and the relationship Caine and Able have, is extremely hard. Because it never goes away, that spite and the small bit of hatred, but you just have to live with it, you blame yourself for your shortcomings, it never leaves, but you still stay close. They’re still your favorite person, still someone that you feel like you can share everything with, and you learn that you can’t get over those bad feeling, they just exist.

…I really need to stop writing when I’m half asleep. Might continue on how Carnival Pomni is similar to me, next time I’m half asleep and typing/j

*pat pat* it will definitely be touched upon... Im too proud of Caine's writing to leave him in the dark... Im so happy you relate to him that way, and Im sorry to hear how rocky your relationship is with your sister. Best of luck to both of you <3

[dontbesoweirdkira]

If you don't mind yandere Vito alphabet please 🙏

A/N: This isn’t the full Alphabet but here’s a little teaser. Doing the full Alphabet in one go is difficult but if there’s a specific one you want let me know😭😭

Warnings: toxic and abusive behavior

Requests: open 24/7

Masterlist

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Every single person from the mafia Trilogy is willing to get their hands dirty. This is absolutely ridiculous to even consider.

Like if Vito killed for not only his country but for some random dude named Falcone, don’t you think he’d kill for you? His precious heart. I think he’d be more brutal than the rest tho….our soldier boy definitely knows a gnarly way to take someone out.

He refuses to do this in front of you though. He doesn’t believe a pretty lady like you should ever taint your eyes with seeing him slit that dude’s throat. That’s for him to handle downtown while you stay all cozy locked away in his apartment.

Probably will beat up a guy in front of you though but first he’d tell you to close your eyes or to go get in the car.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

I don’t think Vito wants children and all that yip yap like the Salieri men want.

Marriage is on the table tho.

Ultimately he wants to play the game a little longer so he’ll have more than enough money to take you out of Empire Bay and give you a better life. He wants a beautiful home in someplace nice quiet where there’s no chance of running into another mobster.

He’s going to give you everything that he couldn’t give to his mother before her passing. You’re going to have a beautiful life, even if you don’t actually want it with him. You have no choice. Vito hand picked you to be his companion. You should be grateful

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

He definitely does get very jealous, it’s just not always easy to tell. He keeps the same resting bitch face at every occasion, so is he actually upset or is there no thought happening?

There are thoughts and it’s about which way he should dispose of the body.

I’d argue and say he gets more up in arms about you looking at someone or interacting with another man than the reverse happening. You’re attractive and he knows men look at you, doesn’t mean he’s okay with it but for you to look sends him in a spiral. Yeah it doesn’t matter that you just glanced in his general direction and you weren’t even looking at him….he’s pissed.

“Aye! What the fuck are you looking at, princess? Huh? You think he’s cute or something? Well let me tell you a cute little secret, you’ll be cleaning his blood off of my shoes tonight.”

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Not exactly? He is Vito no matter what but maybe with you his heart is worn on his sleeves a little bit more? Like he grew up around a mama's boy he undeniably has a soft spot for the women he loves. You can get away with a hell of a lot.

More than most can with him. Your snarky comments and fighting doesn’t phase him. Neither does your immature and other kinds of behavior.

He still wants to spoil and take care of you the best way he possibly can. He especially loves physical contact with you. The times when you’ve yourself worn down enough to curl into his chest are his favorite times.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

He’s actually incredibly patient with you. Vito is rather patient in general, well compared to how he could be. His emotions are usually kept well under wraps and he does fair with stressful situations. This was something learned from being in the military. When you have other men's lives on the line, you learn to keep it light.

There are sometimes where this patience wavers and it’s usually during the times when you’re being incredibly difficult.

Having another meltdown after trying to escape for the fourth time this week. This man is becoming increasingly more frustrated and he couldn’t help but to snap at you.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

Hell naw! That man don’t give a single fuck.

Why would he? He’s delusional about this entire situation, there is no rational thought happening!!!

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

The screaming and crying he expected. That’s all his sister did growing up lol. Jk.

The isolation tho,,,that would get to him. When he comes home from a long day, ideally he wants to be greeted with open arms and loving words. Not to be searching the house, only find you curled up in the closet.

This shatters his delusion for the moment and Vito absolutely hates it. Seeing you waste away in this isolation kills him. He has to literally drag you out and force you to do basic tasks. Why can’t you just love him like he loves you??? You can’t even just pretend? Why is this so hard for you?

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling?

He thinks of you like this pure little angel who could do no wrong. You’re absolutely innocent to him, even when you’re guilty.

You could spit on the mayor and he’d defend you to hell and back.

Very old fashioned in his thinking where he doesn’t believe women should do or be around certain things. He keeps his business very private, doesn’t share anything about the military unless it’s a lighthearted story, doesn’t kill or be overly violent in front of you.

He also even tries to not curse or smoke so much in front of you too but…he can’t help it.

With this said tho, Vito has limits and he will flip if you ever cross a line. He has some unspoken rules for your “relationship” and it can get rather complicated if you break them.

[deramin2]

Izzy the Leather Daddy: Queering the Father Figure Lens

In Vanity Fair’s interview with David Jenkins, he says, “We felt like Izzy’s story had reached its conclusion, where we put him through enough. And then there was the realization that he is kind of a mentor to Blackbeard and that he is kind of a father figure to Blackbeard. It felt nice to have him die and have Blackbeard be upset by it, because Blackbeard killed his father. But this is a father figure that he’s losing that it’s hard for him; it's sad and he doesn't want him to go. Izzy has such a beautiful arc in season two; he does a lot of the things, has a lot of the breakthroughs that you want that character to have. It felt like: It’s time to give him a full meal. And it’s also a pirate show, so he’s got to die.”

That’s been taken to be in a very child-like way, but that's not the only type of daddy in queer culture. Let’s examine Izzy as Ed's leather daddy figure. A kink dynamic sense of a masculine authority figure with a tough and painful love and a man who wants to be driven to greatness by submission. Not necessarily sexually, though that was always possible, but a sort of roleplay dynamic they fell into that satisfied them. Their costumes are literally leather daddy kink subculture.

Ed does have daddy issues. He rejected his own father and his abuses with violence, but we also see that left a void. He’s sought out other older masculine authority figures who promised a sort of found family, but they’ve always been just as toxic and abusive as his own father. Like Hornigold who glorified toxic masculinity and twisted Ed into needing to create the Blackbeard persona to survive. Where the abuse of Hornigolds authority begat a brotherhood beteen those who survived it like Calico Jack (and many didn’t like Felix). Even pop-pop the fisherman treated Ed with violence and reproach when he clumsily sought to reform himself into a calmer life. The men he’s looked up to have treated him as inherently worthless unless he can prove his worth. They’ve fed his self-hatred to fuel ambition.

Izzy viewed the Blackbeard persona as a revered golden child it was an honor to serve under. Even when Ed made a mess of things, Izzy saw him as worthwhile cleaning up after and protecting. He pushed and challenged Ed to further greatness and while there was still a violence to it, Ed could feel like he was finally living up to an authoritative man’s respect.

Izzy pushed Ed to keep being Blackbeard too long and it had become an unhealthy dynamic. There are also tones of Izzy being like a toxic manager who pushes a rock star too far to secure his own place. They’re both dependent on each other, using each other, and are bonded by having been to hell and back together.

Stede offered Ed a new role to play. We saw that with the clothes swapping right from the start. Stede is also assertive and dominant but in a gentler way. Ed and Stede both started reshaping each other for new roles. And then Stede paniced and abandoned him like every other man he’s sought approval from.

This pushes Ed further into Izzy’s construction where Ed plays the monster in charge that Izzy wanted him to be. But it’s goes off the rails this time. The monster that comes out is The Kraken with Izzy cast as Ed’s father. Blackbeard nearly kills Izzy and leaves him forever changed. Izzy has to rebuild himself from the ruins Ed left him in emotionally and physically. This dynamic and role for Izzy is dead.

And with the death of that role, Izzy feels like he must die. He doesn’t see any place for himself in life disabled and fallen from Ed’s favor. He begs for it. He feels like being kept alive is a cruelty and doesn’t understand why the crew won’t let him go. He only survives Ed handing him the means for suicide by chance. He stays drunk as he heals to not feel.

But the crew love who he could be (if not who he’s been), and encourage him to make a new place and take on a new role. They make him a new leg out of the damaged ship and encourage him to be a unicorn, a legendary beast of his own (one whose arrival foretells death in some stories). It’s drag mother Wee John who gives Izzy another sense of himself by giving him a Look and a new role.

He watches Ed toss his leathers overboard and the next time they speak tells Ed to listen to it and find himself. Meanwhile Izzy grapples with who he is now. He tells Stede that he’s good for Ed, but also reminds him that when Izzy said he loved Ed, Ed shot him. Izzy’s really passing on the role here. He was Ed’s partner in these scenes but it’s not healthy and it needs to be Stede and his gentler ways, now. Izzy’s figured out that’s not his place anymore. I think he’s grappling with what that place is.

Talking to Banes, Izzy evokes the same sense of community among pirate crews that have drawn queer people together for centuries through good and bad. The sort of dynamics so present in queer theater and then films like The Boys in the Band (1968, 1970, 2020) and Love! Valour! Compassion! (1995, 1997), and Fire Island (2022). Groups that are bound as much by the ways they have been hurt and hurt each other as the ways they love each other. But always push each other to be better and they will always take care of each other in meaningful ways. They’re a family and they can nurture each other. They don’t need a tough love violent daddy keeping them in line. And in a sense it’s here that Izzy makes the leap Michael from The Boys in the Band or John Jeckyll from Love! Valour! Compassion! never could: he changed before it was too late, and everyone mourned him.

In the end Izzy represents everything that drove Ed to be Blackbeard. He was Ed’s mentor for that life. He represents the old guard of piracy and their toxic ways, and even though he’s unlearning them as a character, he’s also a symbol of all that. He ends up the only casualty in a raid Ed thought was a suicide mission. Stede’s way wins the day, but at the literal and symbolic cost of Izzy’s. The death of the mentor signifies the end of what they can teach you and the hero’s call to be your own person. In a way that honors the master but puts its own path, with the student eventually returning as a new teacher.

Queer media is often very cyclical. In season 1 Ed’s wheel of fate started high and crashed down. This season it’s been dragged through the mud with the weight of the world on it. Izzy is ultimately crushed under that wheel. But he looks up seeing Ed rising again into a new cycle unlike anything he’s had before. A cycle Izzy never quite achieved, but made peace with. And so he tells Ed to go and be happy and live. The best revenge on Banes he could get is to live and die free surrounded by love and loyalty.

In queer media you often see characters who are facing death become a sort of mentor figure. Setting their affairs in order and finishing their business, they end up trying to answer what was worth living for. Buzz Hauser and James Jeckyll in Love! Valour! Compassion! or Andrew Beckett  in Philadelphia (1993) or Kit Cowan in Spoiler Alert (2022). Queer media has such a rich legacy of stories where death is not a punishment but the great reckoning with oblivion we all face. The constant companion we all walk hand in hand with not knowing when it will yank us away. For people with dangerous lives often too soon. The construct of a good death where you’ve finished your business, learned your lessons, and said everything that needed to be said. Where maybe there was so much more to live for, but at least you got closure.

He was mourned by people who often see their community through funerals burying their friends. With shock and familiarity and holding themselves together because it will not help right now to fall apart. They honor what made him him in life, and their complicated relationship like Roach getting one more middle finger in with a sad smile before passing Izzy’s grave marker along. His memory passed between all of them. Spoken of both lovingly and honestly of his faults. Because he’s all of it. His beauty was in his fullness. And he outlasted many other pirates they’ve sailed with that lived just as hard.

Izzy represents the stakes they’re facing that they’ve miraculously been lucky enough to dodge at the last moment. Like Ivan’s off-screen death and many unnamed crew members, he represents how deadly this profession is. Izzy was always afraid Stede was going to get him killed, and he was right. But it was a heroic death for a greater cause instead of for ruthless plunder. Izzy came to believe in the pirates as a revolution, not just in varying stages of fucking each other over. And in that way carries on queer media traditions of a meaningful death as revolutionary.

[accio-victuuri]

MY RECENT READS ( April - August 2023 ) 📚

a mix of manhua/manhwa/danmei novels. i’ve also been on an omegaverse binge so you’ll see a couple of those on here. this is my way of documenting what i’ve read and sharing it to anyone who is probably looking for their next read.

I have linked the actual source of where i read them so you can look up the summary & reviews and see if it’s something you like. Please mind the tags and warnings too. ^^

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MANHWA/MANHUA

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Limited Run ( Seasons 1 & 2 ) - sometimes i’m just in the mood for some toxic relationship with good smut and this hits the spot. tho the MC (Yeon-Oh) is really put in an ugly situation, and really just wants to have a better life and escape. It’s not his fault. The power imbalance is definitely there and like 99.9% of people reading it is there for the smut.

Love Shuttle ( Seasons 1-3 ) - I am very late to this story cause when I started reading this was always at the top of people’s rec lists — especially for omegaverse and now i know why. I love a younger alpha x older omega dynamic so I’m happy with that then add in the enemies to lovers trope. The characters are likable and the story progresses well. Usually for omegaverse, there’s always some angst going on but this felt enjoyable to me. Totally a good read.

Omega Complex ( Completed ) - I AM ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH THIS STORY. I have read it multiple times and it’s marked as completed, but the extras are not. If I were to pick my ideal omegaverse story and art it would be this. Again. Older Omega x Younger Alpha. This one is they started as childhood friends who became estranged because of “circumstances” and met up again in college. The school setting itself and supporting characters are well done too. Most stories have fleshed out supporting characters only if they will be a second couple or something, but this does not use that ploy.

There are misunderstandings but i’m okay with that. I know people are stupid and bad at communication in real life so i don’t really get readers who complain about it. Maybe if it’s too much or doesn’t serve a purpose. It’s necessary in this one tho.

THE SMUT IS GORGEOUS. No. Really. How can you describe smut as gorgeous? Well. Read it and you will find out. 👀

BUT THE BEST THING IS I AM INVESTED WITH THE PAIRING. I love them so much. 😭😭😭 from childhood friends to going to school together and all + grown ups.

Their aesthetic also kinda reminds me of the GG & WYB. so yeah.

Cheeky Habits of my Rabbits - what happens when you combine absolute cuteness and smut? This. I love it. It shouldn’t work, the premise is weird, but it’s a great read! hilarious too. Neungso is the most precious bunny!!!!

The Pizza Delivery Man & the Golden Palace ( on Hiatus ) - How do I even begin to describe this without foaming in the mouth. I wish the hiatus will be over and we will know more and see how the story progresses. It looks like a simple premise, MC is a pizza delivery guy who is struggling and he forms a relationship with a rich regular from the “golden palace”. BUT NOOOO. The writing is special. The way the ML’s struggle with his anxiety/trauma and how MC’s simple kindness helped him is so romantic.

Especially the scene when they first met in the rain and the MC offered his umbrella. You never know what people are going through, so it’s best to be kind. It was such a small gesture but it changed both of their lives.

It’s a story of how love can heal. 😌

Plus the MC — Woo Won is one of my favorite leads ever. He is so gentle and kind even if the world is treating him badly, he still makes a conscious decision to be good. He deserves all the love and success! ML ( Seo-An) better spoil him well! 😤

Their problems don’t magically disappear, it’s just easier to exist because you have someone standing beside you. 🤍🤍🤍

The New Recruit ( completed ) - a solid office romance. if you’re into that then pick this up! there’s no toxic power imbalance going on or abuse. I like how MC is someone who started his career a bit late, so he is older than his peers and still a newbie. A perfect read over the weekend.

Mr. Y & Mr. J - I can’t find the link to the completed version I read so sorry for that. Anyway, this one is with theme of “regression” is I think the right time. Where the MC dies and lives again years prior. So they get a second chance at life. The setting is also entertainment industry which i personally enjoy so there was no way i won’t like it.

Salad Days ( Season 1 ) - Something I AM VERY LATE to. I think everyone and their mom have read this so I won’t go into details. I loved the first season and will definitely go back to finish the rest. The pairing is so OTP material 💟

The side characters in the MC’s life, his friends, are so precious too!

Dawn of the Dragon ( Season 1 ) - Fantasy / Smut. That’s all I can remember. What I really wanna know tho is the backstory of the Dragon and who was his mate from the past. I have a feeling the MC is some sort of reincarnation of that person.

Raising Beta (completed) - A very short read. It’s fucked up. LOL. Basically the MC is a beta and the ML who is obsessed with him turns him into an Omega. not only that, he did a lot of other things all in the name of “love” and as a reader you are there to watch it and you can’t do anything to help the MC. It’s definitely an experience to read this. It reminds me of something Kai Bi Qiu might write so maybe that’s why I enjoyed it more than i should. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Hyacinth (completed) - Awwww this one is sweet and makes me all somft. I have re-read this too cause it’s pretty short and the art is beautiful. The MC’s focus on how many meals he has shared with ML was a nice addition and added to the romance.

Plus their little family of three is so cute! XIAO YI IS THE BEST KID. 🥹🥹🥹

How to snag an Alpha ( Completed ) - All I can say is that it’s super funny and the MC is definitely a character. I got so much secondhand embarrassment from the shit he pulls but he ended up getting the Alpha so i think it’s worth it! 😂

Sweet not Sugar ( Season 1 ) - I found this when searching for “green flag” alphas and well this satisfied that. I love the MC here so i’m happy that he gets to be with someone who doesn’t treat him like trash. The MC is at a point in his life where he thinks everyone is out to abuse him in some way so meeting ML unsettles him.

LEE DAN! You deserve to be loved! No matter what happened to you in the past 🥹🥹🥹

December ( Season 1 ) - This is one that I actively check to see if it’s updated cause I’m so invested with the pairing. It should be the usual omegaverse trope but add in the backstory, somehow makes it special. They both meet years ago and MC who is an omega “awakened” the ML into being an Alpha. ML then looks for this mystery person and when he finds him, he will do everything to keep him.

I’m doing a very bad summary i know, i promise it’s not boring. There are other issues discussed in the story, like how horrible omegas are treated. I looooove it when the Alpha goes feral and violent in certain moments too but when it comes to his Omega he is somft.

Their library dates too!!!! 😍😍😍😍

Who’s baby is it? ( Ongoing 200 + chapters ) - My comfort read! I swear. The plot was initially straightforward then it went in a bizarre direction but i still like it. It’s still not finished even with all the chapters and I imagine they can still stretch it to last forever 😂😂😂

My fave would definitely be the children! Rourou!!!! I initially picked this up cause I wanted a story with a cute kid. and i got what i wanted.

+ Entertainment industry setting <3

My Delicious Dream Boy ( Completed ) - The kind of supernatural read that still manages to be fun and light. The MC here is funny without even trying. He only wants to have friends and experience “college life” after years of having to stay at home because of his sickness. The plot could have easily gone dark but it focused more on relationships and the pairing’s growth as individuals — which was so much better for me. Definitely a favorite and reread material.

Affectionately ( Completed ) - This could have been more fleshed out cause there is more story to tell but what can i do.. It is what it is…

It features cute animals cause the MC is supposedly gifted in interacting with them and the ML is the complete opposite. They also work at a cafe together. I chose to read this cause I wanted fluff and it did not disappoint.

My favorite glasses holder ( Completed ) - the MC and his love for men with glasses 😂😂😂 ML is a grumpy kitty and works so well with MC’s bright personality. I didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as i do. After this, I have craved for more modern setting stories.

===============

DANMEI NOVELS

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Deer Fei Fei - an adorable story of the MC who is in the entertainment industry and his “senior” who he idolizes. if you are into a fanboy getting his idol trope they give it a try. It’s also really short with 32 chapters only 💕

Transmigrated and forced to do Business - my guilty pleasure is when the MC transmigrates in the book where they are supposed to be the villain but they don’t want that. So they do everything the can to be on the good side of the book’s protagonist and well… we all know what happens after.

Have you ever met such a cold author? - Fanboy reader who writes fanfics meets his favorite author. That’s it. I was sold with the premise and it did deliver. ☺️

Bu Wang - I started the Manhua and wanted more so I MTL-d it over at gonzicp so I don’t have the proper english translation. I was just craving for a merman type of story and this popped up. It was nice! How the ML became so devoted to him and chased MC when he left AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Stars run to him - I have to take Knoxt ( website ) for this cause i swear i was only browsing completed novels and I randomly clicked on this. It’s what i love about Knoxt, there are translated works there that are not as popular. Absolute gems that deserve more audience.

This is a perfect example. 💕

DON’T LET THE SUMMARY FOOL YOU. I enjoy myself some fake dating for sure, but this is so much more than that. Especially that clue in there : “Gu Zhongyi has loved him for many years…” I don’t think I’ve ever read something like this and that’s why it stuck with me. It would have been so confusing but it was written very well and seeing it all unfold is a treat. Definitely a classic.

It seems there is light - Such a pure story. I swear. A great story about first love and two people who care for each other. It may be boring to some, depending on the headspace you’re in, but please give it a try.

-END.

[sebbyisland]

Blitzø as a character makes me so sick because he believes he’s doomed to never be loved and ruin everyone’s lives, and then acts accordingly in a toxic self-fulfilling prophecy. Literally everyone knows this it’s so obvious. Yet despite all of that the show is telling us he is actually ACTIVELY MAKING PEOPLE’S LIVES BETTER!!!! His re-kindled friendship with Fizz, his affirmed relationship with Loona, his mentorship and protectiveness of Moxxie when they meet his father(sorry not a lot of Bltz and Millie moments), his attempts to reconnect  with his sister, and even the pity-fuck-turned-it’s-complicated with Stolas. CLEARLY season 2 is trying to tell us something about the love and care Blitzø has for the people in his life. Stolas coming clean about his feelings and giving him the Asmodeus crystal is going to be a major turning point not just for their relationship, but for ALL of Bltiz’s relationships, because whether or not he can move forward with Stolas reflects whether or not he’s ready to let go of the preconceived notions of himself I mentioned either. Whether or not he knows he can and already does make a positive difference in people’s lives. My biggest questions for “The Full Moon” episode:

1. Can Blitzø accept that someone would love him as an equal, or will he regress into a Verosika repeat? (Remember—Blitzø was hired to be Verosika’s bodyguard, who was a break out star. So it was never a 100% equal playing field. His betrayal was a twisted way to feel like he had power. Probably similar insecurities led to why he wouldn’t try to help her get off in bed. Idk that whole relationship sounds like a mess but we know the main issues came from Blitz. He needs to get over this hump to move forward, especially when Stolas is clearly doing the work to be more sensitive to their power imbalance)

2. Can Blitzø accept that he WANTS someone to love him as an equal, and this isn’t a sign of weakness? He is able to openly ask Loona for affection but this is only because of the established father/daughter dynamic that HE initiating by adopting her. Admitting that he wants Stolas as a romantic partner requires a different kind of vulnerability. Loona will always be a daughter to him, Barbie will always be his sister, Fizz basically grew up with him, but people can come and go from romance. It takes a lot of trust to make a partner your family. Can Blitzø take the first step to show Stolas that trust?

3. Can he accept that he is capable of loving someone romantically? Because truly no one hates Blitzø more than Blitzø. Even if he makes it through the other two hurdles, if his self doubt is strong enough, nothing will be resolved. This is my greatest fear, that because he’s afraid that HES not good enough, he acts out in anger and pushes Stolas even further away. 

We haven’t really seen Blitz directly process his feelings about Stolas this season besides adamant denial, so honestly idk how TF the next ep is supposed to go. Literally anything could happen all I know is someone is going to cry. I don’t think Blitz will completely blow up on Stolas, but guys….don’t be shocked if he blows up, okay? I’m really 50/50 on this. I think it’s more likely we get some kind of secret third thing, where maybe Bltiz doesn’t completely reject nor accept Stolas. Maybe they try to be friends? Man idk I already said anything could happen

[evansbby]

POYT 5 - My thoughts & commentary

MAJOR SPOILERS below the cut! Only proceed if you've read POYT 5.

Also, I will be answering all feedback this weekend! I wanted to give it a week so that more people would read it and because the feedback will contain spoilers.

Anyways, here are my thoughts (warning, this is long lmao)

Hey everyone

First off, I just want to say how thankful I am for the support for this fic. I never thought I’d finish it and to see it finished more than a year after the first chapter was posted and to see how many of you stuck around and didn’t give up on it is truly heartwarming! Thank you for letting me tell my story, thank you for supporting me, thank you for egging me on to finish it, thank you for sharing your thoughts and words of encouragement, thank you, thank you, thank you! I know sometimes I may come across as unthankful. And I’ll be so honest with you guys, a few days following the posting of POYT 5, I was so, so emotional and on edge and kind of upset because I thought the fic was not getting as much feedback as I thought it would. Which is crazy to think since we got it to 1000 notes in 24 hours!!

But I understand that people take time to read something so long, and it’s so much content that people need time to gather their thoughts. I get that. I’m just a very emotional person, which is why it may have seemed like I got upset. I poured my heart and soul into this fic for the past six months, so I will be emotional about it. That being said, I really want to stress on the fact that I AM super thankful towards the people who supported me and sent in amazing feedback, or reblogged and wrote their feedback down! I’ve read every single feedback so far maybe about three times!! I can’t wait to answer it so we can fully have an in-depth discussion about the story!

ALSO. And this is so important. POYT IS A DARK FIC. Steve, no matter what redemption I gave him, is a whole ass red flag in real life. He’s still a dark character, he is still someone that would totally be a villain in real life. POYT is a work of complete fiction, so please don’t think that because she ended up living happily ever after with Steve, that I condone that in real life. I think we are all old enough to understand that this is just me exploring a dark relationship in FICTION. In real life, this would be considered toxic and abusive. PLEASE remember that. Do not be with a poyt!Steve in real life. Please.

Now, to the fic itself. I’ll explain more when I answer the asks but let me just share my main thought-process behind it. I know a lot of people expected Peter to take Omega away and for Omega and Steve to be apart for a chunk of the story. I NEVER wanted to do anything like that. I believe I’ve mentioned it a few times but I don’t really love it when this happens in stories I read, and I always skip to the part where the reader and her man are back together. So I knew I didn’t want to do this.

There WAS an early iteration of the story where Peter takes Omega back to his apartment and she spends the night in his guest-room (she doesn’t want to sleep in the same room as him, she doesn’t hate him or anything but it feels wrong to her). Peter would have made her block Steve’s number and told her to just sleep on it. But she would’ve cried all night and missed Steve so much that she would’ve unblocked him. Of course, her phone would be flooded with calls and texts from Steve, ranging from angry to sad to demanding to know where she is to blaming Peter to blaming Omega. Really erratic texts like  “I told you I loved you and you left me,” to “fuck you, I will never forgive you,” to “sorry I didn’t mean that please come back, baby, I miss you.” And she would have called him back but hung up quickly before he could alpha-command her into telling him where she is (she wouldn’t want to endanger Peter). And then Omega herself would’ve left and gone back to Steve.

I didn’t do this because, honestly, Peter would never “kidnap” Omega. I know a lot of people used the word kidnap but honestly that’s not what was going on. Peter thought he was saving her, but she had already decided in Part 4 that it was Steve she couldn’t live without. In Part 4, she says she could live without her mom and without Peter, but not without Steve. She’s already said yes to his proposal, there was no doubt she was going to stay with Steve. Maybe a little bit because Steve had only promised to be better at that point, and he had not proven it. But we all know Omega always saw the best in Steve, always wanted him to be better, always wanted him deep down. It wouldn’t make sense for her to stay quiet and let Peter take her all the way back to his apartment. I know she’s always been confused and indecisive, but I wanted her to be firm in that moment. Because she has chosen to be with Steve. At that moment, she doesn’t know why and she’s still confused about her feelings for Steve, but she knows she can’t live without him. So she chooses to stay with him within the first few sentences of the fic.

I remember a few months ago I received an ask saying that they expected Omega and Steve to stay apart for about 10k words of POYT 5, and I read that thinking “OMG is this what people are expecting???” because PERSONALLY, I would skip the fuck out of those 10k words if reader wasn’t with her love interest for 10k whole words. That’s just me personally, everyone has a different opinion but yeah. I tried to stay as true to MYSELF in this fic as possible, and ultimately, this is how I wanted it to play out.

I wanted POYT 5 to be about Steve and Omega and their interactions with each other. Because if you look back at the four parts before this… why exactly are we rooting for this couple? Have they had any sweet or romantic moments? They have, but very few and far between. Have they even had normal conversations? I needed their relationship to grow and evolve so that it would GENUINELY be a happy ending. I wanted the over-arching theme to be their interactions evolving, and Steve saying he loves her and her being unable to say it back. Which is why, if you noticed, almost every time Steve would say he loved her, he’d wait expectantly for her to say it back, and withdraw when she didn’t.

I’d say my biggest struggle was writing Steve (as it always is). I wanted his character development to be believable. But I think people need to remember that he had already turned a new leaf in POYT 4. And so POYT 5 was more about him demonstrating how he’d change, and keeping true to the promises he made to her in the previous part. I really hope you recognised that I tried to do it gradually, and that he’s trying to be better but still struggling with it.

For example: when he steps away from fighting Peter, you can tell he’s fighting with himself and this manifests through his literal physical features. How his face contorts before bouncing back then contorting again. I focused a LOT on describing Steve’s physical features in that part (so much so that I had to cut out whole paragraphs that just focused on describing his expression changing).

And then his panic attack. I got a message saying that was very out of character for Steve (I’ll respond to that message, don’t you worry, anon). But I really do not think it was OOC. Look, in fics this long, characters need to evolve. And Steve has been cold, calculated, strong, put-together for the whole of POYT so it honestly makes sense that he would lose it. To me, it does. He already lost it a few times in POYT 4, so it would make sense that he’d lose it some more. I know a lot of people enjoy reading him as this all-powerful alpha male and I was like that too, but I had to write this because it felt right to me. Steve is very emotionally volatile, and I think it was fitting that he had a panic attack. It shows another side of him, and I was proud of that scene. I’ll elaborate on this more when I answer that anon. But let me just say this: usually, when Steve got angry in the past – he’d resort to physical violence or some form of twisted, calculated revenge. He cannot do that to Peter, because he knows now that omega won’t forgive him if he did. So, in that moment, he kind of just… breaks. He doesn’t know how to process his emotions properly, so he panics. He’s seen his omega kiss someone else, and then he’s had to listen to that same person call him out in front of everyone and basically told him no one would ever love him. We KNOW Steve is insecure deep down, and so it’s honestly not very surprising that he had a panic attack. Villainous, macho characters can have panic attacks too, anon. They aren’t just reserved for the good characters.

Anyways, this is getting too long but moving on. I really hoped I captured Steve’s growth in a gradual, somewhat realistic way. Like how he blurts out that her mother won’t care about her getting married before he cuts himself off (him being tactful when before, he’d manipulated her and said this VERY thing). In the road trip scene, his communication still isn’t the best but at least he is TRYING, with that “game” that he plays just so he can ask her questions about her feelings. Like, he couldn’t straight up ask her and he had to make it into a game but like… it’s poyt!Steve after all so what do you expect haha. And when they’re at her childhood home, he’s still that guy who goes through all her stuff and pokes fun at her… but the difference is that it’s now turned into gentle teasing and not mean teasing, like how it was in the first few chapters.

Speaking of them going back to omega’s childhood home, I hope you guys caught on that omega realises her mom has left the moment she opens her mom’s bedroom door and sees the bed stripped and dresser empty. That’s why she gasps. But she doesn’t want to accept it, which is why she refuses to believe it. I’m sure everyone caught on to that but I’m just explaining anyways because why not. I’ll also say that writing this part made me cry so hard, I don’t know why. I have a very good relationship with my mother, she’s my whole entire life and she’s the best woman I know. So, to write a character who just does not have that… I don’t know why but it really affected me. And every time I reread this part to edit it, I cried. Every time. Especially the part where she talks about the ghost of her younger self playing in the garden. Like I’m tearing up now… Oh God!!! Also, when she breaks down and starts screaming at her mom’s door, I remember I wrote a part where she takes off her shoe and throws it at the door. I cut it out but I wish I’d kept it in in hindsight, just to show how raw and hurt she felt.

Anyways, as a lot of you messaged me saying this, you’re right, this was the moment where something snaps in Steve and he changes. It’s like he realises everything she’s been through and is still going through, and all the hurt and grief HE caused her. It’s never explicitly mentioned, but since the bathtub scene, Steve is afraid she’s going to kill herself. Like, that’s just a very real thing in his head, he’s just afraid she’s going to do that and he’d have been the main driving factor behind it. And so he realises he HAS to change. It’s in the way he doesn’t get mad at her when she tells him to fuck off, when she makes that dig at him and says he doesn’t have hardworking parents who work long hours. I wanted to convey that in that moment, her mental well-being just becomes his number one priority and he realises he could lose her. Maybe not physically, but he could still lose her. Which is why he gets so desperate in the end, and pleads with her to stay with him.

WHICH IS WHY, from then on, we see Steve being very communicative all of a sudden. And it’s ironic, because he’s not communicative about his own shit but he wants omega to voice all her concerns. That is why we get so much of “baby, tell me how you’re feeling.” Simply put, he’s afraid she’ll kill herself, and he also wants to be more communicative in order to improve their relationship and be better for her. Which is why he kind of throws himself into this new persona of this ultra communicative, ultra vocal about his love type of boyfriend. Like, he really lays it on thick, but he means it… and it also comes from a place of desperation, like he NEEDS her to get better. He knows deep down he’s about to lose his mother, but he cannot lose omega too. So if some of you thought it was OOC for him being SO SO SO vocal about his declarations of love and all his sweet little speeches, well, this is why I did it.

Speaking of Mrs. Rogers, she was a big talking point amongst all of you in the feedback I got! Like, overwhelmingly so! All I’ll say is, the whole cancer thing is something I pictured for her for a long time. But there WAS an early iteration of Steve’s parents where we would’ve met them in POYT 4 during Steve’s graduation and they would’ve been snooty and not approved of Omega. But somewhere along the way, that all changed. But I do want to stress that I did not mean to give the impression that Steve’s mom having cancer is the reason why he’s a bully. He was a bully alpha way before his mother got sick. Maybe it contributed a little bit but it does not excuse his behaviour at all and I never meant for it to! Honestly, it was more about exploring just how delusional and scared Steve really is, deep down. Like, his inability to accept that his mother is dying is very similar to omega refusing at first to accept that her mom left her. It’s more about how both the main characters push their problems aside and are often unable to accept them head on. It also added another facet to Steve’s character, and made things that little bit more heartbreaking, which was my intention.

Oh my fucking God, this is already 2.4k words??? Anyways, I really want to talk about the Rogers’ family mansion. So, since I was a child, I was obsessed with this author called VC Andrews who wrote Flowers in the Attic. When I say obsessed, I mean that I read each of her books like six or seven times and I still reread them till this day. To the point where my writing is influenced by her. Anyways, her stories were often rags-to-riches, and the heroine always describes a mansion. I was entranced reading about Foxworth Hall from FitA and Farthingale Manor from Heaven (if you guys haven’t read these books, please do. They are so, so good. I write the way I write because I read these books). So when I wrote the scene of Steve’s mansion, I wanted it to have that gothic horror family saga type feel, and so there were a lot of descriptions of just how big his house was, how his family literally had a ballroom and used to host galas, I really just wanted to paint a full picture of that. And then amongst all those riches, is Steve’s mom, a woman who is sick, whose husband is always away, whose son is too scared to come see her anymore. The sadness and secrets in all the wealth, that’s what I wanted to capture. If you guys have read Flowers in the Attic, you’d maybe understand what I mean. I deviated a bit from the usual style of POYT for these few scenes in Steve’s mansion, but I enjoyed writing them immensely.

More on Steve’s character: at this point I wanted to show that he was changing but that he wasn’t perfect and change doesn’t happen overnight. Which is why he lashes out at her for not saying she loves him back (right after sex, mind you, when she’s feeling extra vulnerable). It was a mean thing to do, but again, nobody is perfect and least of all him. Also, idk if anyone caught this bc no one has commented on it as of yet, but she almost slipped in the shower because she was trying to chase after him :// POYT 5 could’ve been a lot sadder just then… but I decided not to go there. Anyways, I wanted to show that Steve was still impulsive, quick to get angry. But the key difference is HE CAME BACK. And comforted her. I just wanted to show his gradual growth there.

I feel like I’m doing too much now so let me speed through the rest. I really tried to sprinkle in a lot of moments where Steve was being his cocky self, because he still is that and always will be. He’s still got his rules, and he’s being lax about them but at the end of the day he’s still an alpha. What I’m trying to say is, in the future, he’s not going to be the manipulative, childish, toxic fuckboy that he was before. But he WILL ultimately still be the misogynistic alpha that he always was, albeit a lot less intense and mean than before.

The scene with Bucky was always, always going to happen. All that Bucky stuff was leading up to something, and I always planned to do this. But when I actually got to writing it and realised how lame this man sounded when he was listing his problems “Steve always got the better car” etc, I knew I had to have omega comment on how dumb his problems were compared to hers. Because they are!!! It was ridiculous at the end of the day. I know a lot of people expected a fight with Peter and Steve, but that was never going to happen in full. It was always Steve vs Bucky to me. They have more history, they’re both more evenly matched in physical strength. Also, I want to clarify that at this point, Bucky did not have any feelings for omega, she was just an object to him that he could not have, and it was the last straw for him. I left Bucky’s fate as open-ended, maybe one day I’ll go back to that.

The final scene was ALWAYS meant to be omega marking Steve and finally telling him she loves him too. Like, I had this pictured since day one. This was always, always going to be the ending.

In terms of her and Peter, I really struggled with what type of ending I could give them. Because realistically, if I was Peter, I’d still be angry. I’d still be in disbelief over my best friend being with a man who is just… Not Good. And I do think Peter deep down still feels that way, but he also knows he cannot persuade omega, and so he has to move on. He sent her a wedding card but, in my head, they do not keep in touch. Steve doesn’t want her to keep in touch with him, and honestly, there isn’t much for Peter and omega to say to each other anymore. Which I think is realistic. It’s sad but it’s realistic.

One of the hardest parts for me was making sure to tie up every single loose end. Like for example, Sharon. In an earlier iteration, I had originally planned for Steve to somehow sabotage Sharon and keep her from graduating as revenge for her being mean to omega. In the end, I decided against this. Sharon is not important to Steve, she is not that important to the story either, and honestly, she wouldn’t have deserved that at all. So, I left her alone. I hope she’s doing well.

Same with other tiny loose ends, like who fixed Steve Junior? Originally, I genuinely DID mean that Steve simply paid someone else to fix her. But A LOT of you sent me messages asking if it was Steve himself who fixed him… and it just made so much sense! Because the stitching is done lowkey badly and unevenly, so of course it was Steve! I added that part in right at the end! Also the sketchbook part, where Steve sketches his mom. That was added like, on the day of me posting the fic. I was so paranoid I missed something, but I don’t think I did??

Mr. Rogers wasn’t meant to be in the fic at all. I wanted to keep him mysterious. But in the end, I decided to add him in last second. And I liked that he and his wife are so in love, but I feel like he’s still a mysterious character – especially in his relationship towards his son.

Lastly, Steve was ALWAYS gonna be a girl dad. That was never a question. Like… come on. We all saw that one coming!!!

Now all I can say is that Steve (the one on my blog who answers questions) is going to be SO smug that he got his omega back (after like two minutes of him losing her lmao). LIKE?? He proved all of you wrong hahahaha. The whole time y'all were talking about him sitting at home, heartbroken bc his omega got taken... HE HAD HER THE WHOLE TIME. just a funny thought lol.

ANYWAYS, if you have any questions about the fic, any more deleted scenes you wanna know about, any other things you want to say in response to this? please send them in!!!

[sillylovesongsk]

Has anyone ever thought that the reason why we love Heartstopper so much is because it’s so refreshing to see healthy, pure and affirming queer relationships?

This is what I longed for growing up as part of the LGBTQ+ community. I longed to see healthy relationships on TV because all I wanted was a healthy and accepting environment in my life (since books and media were my constant escape and refuge). Growing up with Queer As Folk, The L World, ATWT (Luke/Noah), Hollyoaks, Skins and even Glee made me think that this was what I was bound for in my teenage/adult life… full of toxic relationships and unsafe environments.

It’s so nice to see that this is what the next generation is getting, that they’re getting to see acceptance and patience at its fullest. Even if the heteronormative society we lived in deprived many of us from having this kind of beautiful young queer intimacy and experience (yeah ik, we have nostalgia and we’re mourning), we should still acknowledge the fact that things are getting better for future generations. I’m just so happy for all the queer young people that get to have this positive experience, and how this positive LGBTQ+ representation that’s happening, will change so many lives.

I cry tears of joy because we get to see more of that patient and accepting mentality from Charlie (when it comes to coming out) and none of that “if you love me, you will not hide me” mentality that was so frequently seen in media and so present in many queer relationships.

Also, it’s comforting that Nick really cares about Charlie and wants to protect him, not by being Charlie’s superhero or savior with a fixing mission, but just by being patient and allowing Charlie to open up to him… giving him space to fully let him in on his own time. Not by telling him “you need to stop doing this, you need to stop hurting yourself”, but telling him “can you promise to tell me if it ever gets that bad again?”. Which makes me think he knows that he won’t be able to fully stop it (because that’s how it is with people that have disorders and depression, it doesn’t help for people to force us to just “get better and not hurt ourselves”), but he knows he can be there for him to make the path to recovery or stability easier.

Seeing the slow and patient way in which Tara and Darcy allowed each other to open up, and not leave at the first sign of “trouble” but tackled it through open communication makes me happy.

The way they handled the relationship between Mr. Farouk and Mr. Ayaji was on point, exemplifying perfectly how you can still have nice first-time experiences at any point in your life, regardless of you realizing that you were queer later in life.

It makes me cry (sometimes happy tears and sometimes sad tears) when I see most of the parents being a safe place for their children and allowing them to trust in them because of that safe environment they’ve created.

While writing this I realized that the reason why I’ve read so much fanfiction since I was very young (8 yo, that’s nearly 20 years now) is because we got to create and read these stories where we imagined safe and healthy relationships that we didn’t get to live and see in real life or media most of the time. I think the reason I love Heartstopper so much is because of how similar it is to any of those wholesome fanfics that I took refuge in back when I was younger and living in the closet.

It has everything I wished to have back then and everything I wish to have at one point in life:

Family fully accepting you

Healthy and safe family (non-chosen and chosen family)

Partner being patient and supportive

Protecting those you love

Open communication that I’ve always craved for in all relationships in my life (romantic and platonic)

Giving light and acknowledgment to the struggles each character lives but not making it their whole personality (because we’re more than those struggles… something I’ve come to learn after so many years in therapy. I’ve suffered domestic abuse, bullying, depression, anxiety, EDs, among so many other things my whole life and I’m more than all of that and it isn’t my whole personality).

I just think that these are some of the reasons why we love Heartstopper as much as we do. What do you all think?

[hypergamiss]

wow, I have to add to the girls not having prospects and ambition really wanting a relationship. This is more of a borderline horror story tbh, I have a friend I’ve known for a few years now, and she’s so obsessed w being in a relationship, being a mom, having kids etc. to the point where she genuinely has nothing else going for her or in her life. She’s spent 7 years still stuck in her toxic ways, still living w fam, doesn’t have a job, etc, uses social anxiety as an excuse….I feel for her but sometimes you have to wake tf up. She ruined good relationships for herself by her mindset and lifestyle. She had a guy tell her the truth, he said no man is going to want you if you’re not serious and have nothing going for you and she blocked him. Tbh I don’t want to end up like her, so I’ve been focusing on letting go of my desire for a relationship rn. Goals first always ♥️

Yikes, your friend sounds like a walking reality check. It's a reminder that sometimes the loudest "I want a relationship" energy comes from those least prepared for one. No job, no ambition, and stuck in the same patterns? No quality partner is lining up for that.

Bless that guy who tried to drop some truth on her – she promptly blocked him instead of taking notes! It's like she'd rather cling to the dream of a relationship than actually, you know, work on becoming the kind of partner someone amazing would want.

You, on the other hand, are playing the long game. Focusing on goals, building a life you love? That's magnetic! Good things, including love, find you when you're out there vibing high. Meanwhile, maybe your friend will eventually wake up and realize a great relationship is the icing on the cake of an already fulfilling life, not a substitute for one.

[threadsun]

Now, because I love harem shenanigans let’s talk about these bois living situation

So, because of Jean’s many successful careers over his immortal life of course he would own a beautiful manor in the middle of the woods. It doesn’t serve him much purpose aside from where he hides out when he doesn’t want to be seen by the public, and to hang out with his…friend? Him and Rory get together once a year and talk shit, it’s that toxic kind of friendship where both of them talk shit behind each other’s back but it's all “Hey bitch, nice new shoes!” when they’re near each other

That changes once Jack’s in the picture. Rory’s panicking, did he mean to seduce an angel? Yes. Did he think it would work? Fuck no! He needs to keep Jack in the human world so he can feed but he can’t just let him out into public! So he goes to the only person he can think of. Jean laughs in his face when Rory explains the situation to him but tells him “Fine, I was tired of hiring staff to keep this place clean anyway” Rory’s pissed but resigned at the fee for staying, he knew Jean wouldn’t let him stay for nothing. Jack’s a little excited about the whole thing, he’s never been in a house this big, and he gets to clean it? Sign him up!

The next person to come around is Nick, an incubus living in the human realm is one thing but three? He had to come check it out. Once he meets Jack he calms down quite a bit, new incubi are usually insatiable when it comes to their hunger but Jack seems to be doing just fine. Nick doesn’t come to the manor too often but he’s always good company when he does swing by, he’ll even occasionally bring his dog. Jack is the only one fooled by Bo’s disguise and Bo gets a good laugh from Jack’s reaction when he shifts back to his true form. Though apparently staying shifted for so long can have some unforeseen consequences as Bo’s true form now keeps his ears and tail. He doesn’t seem to mind

After that Shaun starts to visit, Nick tells him about Jean’s place, and how could he pass up a spooky human manor out in the woods? Shaun is all over that place, asking about all the rooms and what they’re for, he actually really likes Jean because of that. Not that he thinks Jean is a good person or anything but he knows so much about human culture and history that Shaun has to keep asking him questions

After a while it’s actually Jack who brings someone to the manor, an old friend he had back in heaven. Seeing Ian again brings back some bad memories for Jack but he can’t just leave him alone after his fall, he doesn’t know how he would have survived his own fall without Rory. After Ian starts living in the manor Shaun also moves in, he’s so excited to have someone to geek out with about humans now, sometimes Jack even gets in on the conversation. He doesn’t see the romantic appeal of humans that the other two do but he likes seeing them so happy

After all these incubi surrounding one house it starts to draw some attention and Berry finds the place all on his own. The others aren’t too sure about him being here but…wait, what? No, don’t be silly! Berry’s always been here and he’s so nice to everyone, why would they want him to leave? The only person who knows what’s going on is Jean but he is equally amused and terrified of this guy so he lets him stay

And finally, Joseph doesn’t know anything about the manor since he’s been in the realm of dreams for so long but one night he and Jean “bump into each other” in someone’s dream. Jean tells him that he’s sure Jo’s having a wonderful time being at the whims of the human mind, but it’s high time he actually be himself again. Joseph knows Jean is probably up to something, he always was, but maybe it wouldn’t be awful to be in the human realm again. Especially with that look in Jean’s eye

And that’s how they all stay for a while, that is until you find the manor, but I think that’s a story for another time :)

-Cult anon

OH INCUBUS AU AND BLOODBAG AU ARE SHAKING HANDS AND ALSO MAYBE MAKING OUT SLOPPY STYLE I LOVE IT!!!

Jean having the mansion and Barry somehow convincing everyone he's always been there are simply constants across everything!!! I love it so much tbh, also curious about what bad memories are brought back from Jack seeing Ian 👀

[escapismqueen]

Don’t know if you’ve seen any discourse surrounding this topic but what do you think of people comparing Jere to John (Belly’s dad) to prove that if the “safe option” didn’t work for Laurel, it wouldn’t work for Belly..? It’s an odd comparison for one but, while I know they divorced.. are people forgetting that Laurel and John were married for 15 years and have 2 children together? They ended things amicably and remain close. That doesn’t feel like a failure of a relationship at all.

I had a feeling this might come up at some point. In my opinion, jere is never going to be the ‘safe’ option. There’s so much more to lose with jere if it weren’t to work out/ they’ve been best friends for ages and they’re such a rock solid important relationship in each others lives. Belly ‘knows this boy better than anyone’ she’s Jeremiah’s ‘best friend’ he can read belly’s mind but really he can just ‘read belly’. Her and Conrad don’t have anything close in comparison to their relationship. If it weren’t to work out with jere, belly would lose her world. If it weren’t to work out with Conrad, belly would just lose Conrad.

I think the conversation that laurel had with belly has been taken way out of proportion. Laurel never describes John in a negative way, she describes him as ‘like curling up in front of a warm fire where you know you’re safe’ or something like that. Idk about anyone else, but that sounds rather lovely. But I don’t think that John and laurels relationship is supposed to represent belly and Jeremiah’s anyway. If anything, the ‘safe’ option would be cam Cameron. Laurel described having another love that ‘burned too bright’ and what happens if you’re in a fire that burns to bright ? You get burned. You get hurt. This is the Conrad/belly reference.

Susannah was the love of laurels life and vice Versa, wether they realised it or not, and this is where I see so much of Jeremiah and belly. Plus, so we all remember that scene where they were high and it was jeremiah that found them and he called belly to laugh at them. They watched them both together, laughing and smiling. And I’m that moment, belly and Jeremiah were a literal mirror of laurel and Susannah. Laurel has called Susannah her ‘soulmate’ before I’m pretty sure, and this is what makes me more sure about the mirroring.

Both Jeremiah and Belly and Laurel and Susannah are best friends, love each other endlessly and are the happiest when around the other.

I’d also like to mention the little part that Laurel read from her book where she said that Susannah ‘dropped everything’ to be with her for belly’s birth. I would now like to mention Jeremiah’s ‘I’ll always come and get you’ to belly. is anyone else SEEING THIS ?!!!

Jeremiah is in no way the safe option, because there’s so much more riding on him and belly being together. If they don’t work, they lose the one thing that’s always made them happy and at peace in the world. If they work, they get the love of their lives.

Plus, I know what bonrads are wanting to get at here with the whole ‘safe’ thing and I want to just raise them this; let’s stop calling good, loving, kind and passionate people ‘safe’ because there’s no drama for you to consume and purely because you prefer the toxic LI. What you need isn’t a bonrad endgame, what you need is therapy.

[vaguely-concerned]

the previews of nona the ninth have started a full on brainworm rave within my cranium by just like... laser focusing in on my mercymorn & augustine feels. and since I have several of their main scenes bookmarked on my audio book app (I am normal), I started going over some of them again and like... wow they’re fucking me up from their very first scene together.   

what really stood out to me this time is that augustine goes up to hold the eulogy for cytherea specifically to lessen john’s pain; in response to god’s grief augustine takes on the task/responsibility of easing it as he doesn’t for either mercy’s or his own. while mercy talks he mostly just listens, respectfully, even (for the first and last time don’t worry lol). I think he probably did care about cytherea in herself too, as much as his motheaten hollowed-out heart allows for at this point (he seems to be quite upset by someone messing around with her body, even aside from thinking it’s mercy doing it), but when you read how the scene goes down augustine only takes an active part in response to john’s distress. he rests his hand on john’s shoulder in comfort and he gets up ‘like it hurts’ to say the words for cytherea. this pattern they apparently set up from the very beginning where mercy confronts john with the harsh truths he doesn’t want to acknowledge -- “There they go, John“, “She said, ‘We had the choice to stop’” -- and augustine smoothes things over in the wake of it, removes discomforts; still does the board meetings he hates for him, as it were.

like. holy shit. imagine having eldest daughter trauma (gender neutral) with god himself for ten thousand years. “Come, swear your loyalty, my son—my brother—beloved—Lyctor—saint.” no boundaries buddy you can only be something in relation to me!!! ‘he could have gone anywhere, but he stuck with me’. what a mess! what an absolute mess, especially knowing it’s been like that right from the beginning. he gave john (and john’s dreams -- his empire) everything: his life, his time, his loyalty, his brother, and john took it. john took it all, including mercy at the end, like she was just another... thing no one would miss. what a brilliant dark mirror of what gideon thinks she wants harrow to do to her but which a) harrow has the soul and sense not to do or want and b) would doom them both if it actually happened. the subtexual/implicit mirrors of the process of lyctorhood just aaaaallll over this empire john has built around him, even & especially with those closest to him. NO normal vibes on this haunted fucking space station I’m going to create an interpersonal dynamic that is so incredibly toxic and insidious it takes you thousands of years to figure out something’s very very off and by then it’s waaaaay too late, we’ve all got rivers of blood on our hands by now and no clean water left anywhere 

(also “Ten thousand years, and I never heard her say an unkind word, except when it was very funny. She loved us unguardedly, all of us, which showed both her patience and her enormous capacity.”

the ‘my bones will rest easy next to your bones’ speech deservedly gets a lot of recognition but I’m always struck by the dry mundane loveliness of that description, the resigned rotted fondness. and he immediately undercuts it by kind of dunking on loveday too which is soooo... *tirls hair around my finger* ahaha nooo stop you’re such a shitty human being you’ll make me completely obsessed with you ;) )

augustine will be like... *turns up to not be the worst person in the room only because john and mercy are also in said room and they’ve got a pretty level playing field going now after all these years, has a moment where after a whole book of a sort of glib mean-spirited ennui he suddenly says something so hauntingly beautiful and profound you get dizzy, goes back to being the worst person in the room again like nothing ever happened* and then you just have to live with ‘Bury me next to you in that unmarked grave, Joy’ forevermore. 

augustine and mercy praying only for their own cessation at the end and not even getting that. their best friend and dad and spouse and boss and king and god... is god. and they couldn’t even get that unmarked grave together. I just. hello darkness my old friend etc.

tl;dr: someone on the internet had to be an augustine stan by sheer law of averages and I am devastated again and again to find that it is me. I am that person.

[lurkingshan]

The Eighth Sense 9&10

Gosh Jae Won looks so sad

Yesssss therapist call him out. Avoiding Ji Hyun is not helping anyone. Hurting and confusing someone because you want to avoid hurting and confusing them - this logic never holds up.

Joon Pyo calling him narcissistic 🤣 You’re right though, Ji Hyun

Ae Ri giving such good advice you truly are a queen👑

Ji Hyun has the best friends. They’re kind, empathetic, supportive. He’s lucky to have found them so quickly.

No Ji Hyun don’t let Eun Ji get into your head!

The hands!!! I am screaming

Yoon Won really feels clueless sometimes, geez. Can she not see that her friend is traumatized? Why is she making him relive the trip? And yeah clearly she is going through her own stuff but ma’am look outside yourself. Even in the state he’s in, Jae Won sees her pain and responds and I wish she could do the same for him.

Jae Won please stop letting this girl hang all over you, she is so manipulative and you must know exactly what she’s doing. Also pretty disgusted with her trying to get him into bed when he’s in this state. She’s despicable.

Oh poor Ji Hyun, that was awful

Yes Jae Won you are being cruel to Ji Hyun at this point. Sit with it, process it, do something about it. That little smile when he stops in front of Ji Hyun’s restaurant - that felt like him making a decision.

Detective Joon Pyo!

Ji Hyun giving him a camera and a sketch 😭

Time to dump her, Jae Won! Yesssss I knew it

She really was a cheater, huh? I’m not surprised.

I like that Jae Won has snapped out of it and now recognizes that allowing himself to slide back into things with Eun Ji was him actually being out of his mind, whereas being with Ji Hyun was real.

LOVE Jae Won going to boss lady for advice. He seems so much lighter just having ended it with Eun Ji.

Not Ji Hyun flashbacks my heart can’t take it

IS THAT CONAN GRAY OMG THIS SHOW IS TRYING TO KILL ME

Omg I’m crying he went to him!!!

THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL

This bed montage… how am I supposed to recover

Aww Ji Hyun is still scared

Jae Won reassuring him so clearly, these boys have communicated

Joon Pyo gave them the room for the night, what a great pal

They’re so cute how do I live how do I function

Jae Won looking at Ji Hyun with naked adoration, teasing him about using banmal, putting his jacket on him… I may never recover

I love Ji Hyun asking for clarity, and them talking so openly about why they’re happy. Healthy kings!

Aww yay, glad something good happened for Yoon Won.

Not Ji Hyun admitting he doesn’t actually care about surfing 🤣 and calling Jae Won out on pretending to need a lighter 🤣🤣

Ji Hyun is low key a little scared to part from Jae Won and I get it

Yes Ae Ri put it together!!! I love her, she is officially my favorite woman character in a bl

Jae Won looks so much better. Just putting an end to denying himself Ji Hyun has done wonders for his mood.

This asshole is actually asking for an apology from Jae Won? Get fucked, Tae Hyung

Ahh Jae Won you need to cut this toxic friend out of your life. But we can’t expect him to change his entire personality in a day. And I do like this explanation for why Jae Won keeps him around - he is comforted by his lack of filter and mask. He always knows where he stands with him, and maybe admires a little that he’s so open.

Jae Won openly smiling at Ji Hyun in front of everyone, we love to see it

They gotta figure out when their day one is, this is very important in dramas!

Yesss Bit Na drag him!!!!

Jae Won if you did not actually mean to come out to Yoon Won you need to be more subtle than that 🤣

Yoon Won and Joon Pyo… I’m picking up a vibe

Jae Won is so much kinder to Eun Ji than she deserves

“I want to be alone with you” 👀

Ji Hyun’s endless list of cheesy couple stuff he wants to do is honestly so cute

Hahaha I knew it

“I have no time to think about anything but you”

Ji Hyun, gracious in victory. Not totally buying Eun Ji suddenly being this chill in defeat, though.

T8S is unfortunately doing the very common kdrama thing of giving shitty characters unearned redemption at the end. Tae Hyung and Eun Ji deserved to be cut off, not receive forgiveness they absolutely did not earn.

Ahh that ending was nice. Ji Hyun coming into his confidence - emotional and physical - is such such a great place to leave that character.

I absolutely loved this show. Episode 9 was the peak for me - that was such excellent emotional catharsis and every moment of it felt earned. The final episode was not perfect - some annoying kdrama tropes reared their heads and I thought tonally it was a little too celebratory - but overall I am ending this series feeling fantastic. What a great ride.

[chocolate-teapots]

Kim Taehyung- While It Lasted

     ╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗

                 In which you discover how much love truly costs. 

     ╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

𝕎𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤: sensual Tae, swearing, romance, manipulation, toxic relationship, heartbreak. 

"I mean this is the happiest I've seen you in a long time."

Melanie searched my face for any evidence against this face but she couldn't find it.

It was the honest truth.

I was so happy that I had to concentrate on the restaurant around me just so I wouldn't liquify in my chair- whether it be the people peeping to see what we ordered, the woman complaining about linen charge or the staff flirting behind the bar.

I was so happy that I didn't want to talk too much in case I sounded insane. I had always been the pessimistic one between us both, laughing self-deprecatingly when Melanie stumbled in messily from a hookup but cried when she went to sleep it off.

"Well," I blush and chuckle modestly, grounding myself by gripping the slim stem of the wine glass "I am. He's just- who I am now."

I saw her sisterly cogs turning.

"And before you say don't become too dependent on him I'm not," I point watching her smirk knowingly into the rim of the glass "It's a perfect balance, we're seeing each other casually and being all over each other sometimes."

It doesn't make sense.

This kind of luck didn't exist anymore with people being too awkward to meet face to face or getting carried away behind screens and instantly begging for something more. This was rare and it would take a lot for me to even think about letting it go.

"Well," she raises her glass of wine elegantly by the stem, grinning with dumbfounded pride "fuck you and your perfect life."

I laugh but there were worse things to be sworn at for. I didn't believe in luck or the manifesting stuff I caught on late-night tv sometimes but I owe someone a pretty big favour for having a great job, a fantastic new relationship and a perfect new life in just a couple of months since moving.

"To the perfect man," I toast and the wine sloshes and glasses clink.

I didn't know if it was the sweetness of success or genuinely the taste but as I took a sip it was the best wine I had ever tasted. It was the best pasta I had tasted and we were regulars at this place.

"Are you sure you want to live with him? I know he's a fucking catch but I can cut my hair, tape down my tits and deepen my voice!"

This restaurant is where we'd come to rant when we didn't want to cry since it's unbelievably intimate and public. But this time I had good news. I was doing just fine with nothing to cry about.

"How is it gonna be actually living with the guy? A huge disappointment compared to your previous roommate I know but..." Melanie shrugs sarcastically, wincing at the thought of having to warm her own coffee and pastries in the mornings without me to do it for her.

But he was very eager, almost insistent actually that we move in together. He said it was the answer to all our problems of struggling to make time for each other with our schedules.

"Absolutely but," I shrug still playing around with the linguine on my fork "I really don't know. I've never seen his place."

"What?" she shakes her head for clarity but mostly the drama "You never slept at his? What if he has star wars sheets? Ew, what if he cuts his nails in the kitchen? Kieran used to do that before I threw his ass and his toenails out."

I laughed again but the funniest thing was that I didn't even care. At this point, Tae could attack me in his sleep and it wouldn't stop the bubbling anticipation I have to see him first thing in the morning.

He always made it clear from the beginning that his life was incomprehensibly complicated, not in a worrying my boyfriend is a serial killer way but in a please don't pry and ask too many questions I'll tell you when I'm ready kind of way.

But she's right. It's weird.

"I don't know he always made excuses that his roommate, Jimmie or something, was weird, he hadn't cleaned, he was having the floors done. I know that's the part where you start tailing him after work or going through his Instagram but I chose to respect his privacy. Maybe he was embarrassed about where he lived."

Tae was a host at a prestigious hotel restaurant and the nights were long and hard for him and for me who often waited up for him with a glass of wine until the inevitable 'working late. don't wait up' message.

Then I got out the tequila.

"Well, I hope for your sake Tae isn't a snorer. Has he put down the deposit yet?"

"No, I did."

She drops her fork, eyebrows dropping to her nostrils.

"I thought he said last week that he found the place?"

I shrugged, never liking conversations about money even if it was with my best friend.

"He did but he's still waiting around for someone to take over his tenancy since his contract runs out in April."

Melanie doesn't say anything else.  

By the time the bottle and the conversation had reached its end, we were wincing in heels through the door of our blue apartment for the last time. I was going to miss living with Melanie, we had lived together since we met in the second year of uni and ended up working at the same magazine.

At least we had one thing to keep us together, not that anything could ever keep us apart.

"I'm gonna miss this."

"Me too."

As we sloppily waved each other and walked into our separate doors my phone began to ring in my hand and I dodged a few boxes to the edge of the bed before answering. I waited for a second, a heavy glee pressing down my chest that I was scared would just crush me if I answered too soon.

Get a grip.

I slipped off my heels and picked up.

"You were out late."

His smooth deep voice poured through the speakers and into my spine which was dotted and frozen cold. I half unzipped my dress and flopped onto the bed on my stomach, legs kicking in a stupid girlie rush.

Damn him.

His tone was always firm but playful like he was telling me off and praising me at the same time. It was addictive.

"Yeah, we got a bit carried away with the old stories and the wine," I laughed at how my stomach still hurt from the uncontrollable laughter from a pair of twenty-somethings in a decently respectable restaurant "Are you on break?"

"No just snuck out when Craig wasn't looking, I wanted to catch you before you went to sleep and make sure Mel hadn't changed your mind. She can be very persuasive."

I couldn't help my smile as I rubbed my sore feet, the world suddenly just seems a little bit better. His genuine thoughtfulness was unparalleled and his words were effortless even if they were simple and meant little to nothing. Even when he met Mel for the first time, he was perfect, like an extension of myself.

"I can't believe in less than twenty-four hours I get to have you all to myself, all day, every day," he hummed happily, thinking out loud rather than just stating facts. It made me all the more excited, even the idea of yelling at him for his mess if he was messy or marvelling at his neatness if he wasn't.

I couldn't wait.

"Do you cut your toenails in the kitchen?"

But it was hard to articulate.

Taehyung erupted into unexpected laughter, more like a big splutter. I often carried out conversations in my head in public forgetting that the other person couldn't hear the first half of it.

"That's disgusting. Which one of Melanie's ex-boyfriends did that?" he replies knowingly, still laughing but also keeping quiet to hide from his pushy boss.

"It's just- I don't know..." I struggle "Don't you think it's odd how I've never seen your place? I've never met your roommate, only met one of your friends."

The more I talked about it the more I was talking myself out of this.

"Okay," he takes a deep breath as if he knew this was coming and had prepared something to say "Firstly, Jimin is the one respectable one out of my friends, I think you'd run if you met any of the rest. And second, my roommate was messy and the place was gross. I knew deep down that it wasn't my home because you weren't there, it was temporary."

I bite my lip, impulsively pressing mute so I could squeal into the sheets. I kick the headboard behind me over and over until my toes hurt. My heart was going to explode. God, I'm such a child.

I unmute.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking."

"Don't apologise. I know exactly what you were thinking. Fuck I don't know him, maybe he has pokemon sheets or he has a huge porn box under his bed."

"Do you have a huge porn box under your bed?" I ask playfully with intrigue. Very specific.

"I'm sorry to say I don't. I don't need it when I have a woman who does unspeakable things to me on the bathroom counter..."

The heat from my ears burns the screen of my phone. He hums deeply down the line, hating how he's knowingly ruined my sleep for tonight and he gets to walk away and head back to work as if nothing happened.

"I saw your Instagram story, I know you're wearing that slutty black dress that I love so mu- uh yeah we're still waiting for the 3-piece Piatti plates for the Jones' reception!"

I threw up the air I had been suppressing, bringing myself back into existence as a couple of voices mumbled a different type of adult talk on his side.  

Damn you, Kim Taehyung.

"Sorry," he breathes relieved, I always loved how he did his job with passion  "I have to go, close call."

"That's okay. You know you're getting pretty good at that."

"I have to be, imagine if they found out I was talking to the press," he teased "enjoy your last night of freedom."

"I will, enjoy your dickhead customers," I replied, humming in enjoyment as the cold sheets cool my blushing body.

I thought he'd hung up.

It was quiet for a while.

But I still held the phone.

"Y/N?"

I bite my smile back, disappearing shyly into my shoulders.

"Yes?"

I can hear his smile. He's not doing his wide shy smile but his loving pink pursed lips side grin.

"I can't wait to wake up to you every day sweetheart."

"Me neither Tae."

Me neither.

_______________________________________________________

Kim Taehyung was a complicated man with a complicated personality, a complicatedly stressful job and a complicated way of organising his shoes. However, waking up with Kim Taehyung was anything but complicated.

I was usually awake before him and allowed myself the treat of studying his sleeping form as a morning dose of dopamine. Between Mel and myself, I've seen a number of good-looking handsome men in the past but their features were carefully sculpted and intentional as if they sat down and planned every fibre of their existence with a tiny brush. Taehyung was just naturally that way. His entire charm is his natural beauty, his unintentional charisma, his naïvity to his loveliness but his simultaneous arrogance.

He smells like lavender and fresh fabric softener, not nauseating tan, gel or cologne. The lines in his back are soft, brush-stroke-like and not forcefully chiselled to inspire fear. The only fear I had when I was with him like this was losing him.

"You'll be late."

I'm about to reach his thick eyelashes until he mumbles, making me jump and clutch the sheets to my chest. He's so close his nose almost bumps against mine.

"I'll send my boss a photo of you, she'll understand," I tuck my hands under the side of my head, quite comfortable with the idea of getting the sack just to stare at this man full time. The feminist within me was leaking out of my mouth, disguised as drool.

He groans with a cute pout, stretching out his arms on the other side of the gorgeous well-built bed until they landed beside my head and I was completely engulfed in his shadow. I gulp, nervous laughter disguising itself as I feel his body lower onto mine and his lips kiss the skin of my jaw.

"I thought you said last night you needed a rest?"

I look at him, his dark brown hair curling on his forehead in the morning and completely fucked out in the back. My hands reach out to touch it, curling a strand with my finger and running through it with my other hand. It was still so soft after all the rolling around last night.

"I'm rested."

He breathes against my skin. He loved it when I played with his hair because it soothed him or turned him on I wasn't sure. His kisses got less playful and intentional as he placed my arms against the mattress and muttered:

"Call your boss. Tell her you're a bit tied up and you'll be late."

_______________________________________________________

The office still looked the same.

Life was still pretty simple and I still did the same things every day. I didn't know why having a different place to go home to was going to change that. I still went to the same yummy sandwich truck every day, I still worked with Mel the only difference being I wasn't there to see her pop a huge spot on her butt cheek so she looked forward to telling me about it more the next day.

Yep.

Taehyung had an early shift this morning so he was gone before I woke up. While the sheets were a little colder in the mornings, I wasn't upset and only looked forward to seeing him more and enjoyed the rest. I'd wake up just to feel him kiss me goodbye, then drift back to sleep. We were building a routine.

It was going really great.

I had just walked in and the air was extra crisp, my coffee was extra warm and my hair didn't budge in the January wind. I greeted Ieuan at the front desk with an extra unstoppable smile.

"Hey Ieuan, anything for me this fine Friday morning?" I hand him one of the coffees from my tray, even though it was technically an intern job but I personally loved the way his eyes melted as if he hadn't eaten in a week.

"I love that you're not miserable anymore but it's freaking me out. I'm starting to think that I'm the problem in my life," he deadpans, snatching his coffee and nursing it in both hands.

"We both know your only problem is self-inflicted. He's not gonna call, move on."

"It's only been a year Y/N, we still have time," Ieuan rolls his ice blue eyes all the way back to his stupid brain that's fixated on a co-worker, as insanely hot as he may be, that he had a drink with one time and never called him back a year ago.

"I don't have time, shoot."

"Okay, I've got Austin Butler has agreed to an interview but he won't talk about surgery, Kelly said she won't cover Schiaparelli cause she's vegan, asshole love of my life wants to talk to you about the art page he said the red is too merry and not slutty enough and oh, do you know a Ben Rodgers?"

"Ben Rodgers? No doesn't ring a bell."

"He called like 5 seconds ago asking for you but didn't leave a contact number. He seemed like he was in a hurry. Sexy voice."

"Again? Weird, can't you trace it?" I shrugged, frowning as I rummaged through my bag for my work phone which conveniently began to ring. I heard that ringtone in my nightmares but it was unfamiliar. "Maybe it's some of your Grindr stalkers calling to see where you are."

"Still No Caller ID and my men take their time with me thank you very much."

I laugh at him.

"Forget about it, couldn't have been that important. If it's about a misprint, not much we can do when it's printed and under someone's coffee mug on the nightstand."

_______________________________________________________

There was a disappointment.

"Tae, have you seen my slutty black dress that you love so much?" I call to him from upstairs, confused not to see it when hanging up the laundry.

"Yeah, it's down my trousers! You might want to wash it," he calls back, his filthy mind making me laugh but still not distracting me from the missing garment.

I ponder with a 'hmm' as I follow the amazing smell of pasta down the stairs, pulling a navy jumper over my head as I run.

"Nothing?" Taehyung presses further, looking over his broad shoulders and away from the sizzling pan of wonderfulness to my missing dress matter.

"Nah I'm sure it'll turn up," I pick up the glass of wine and sit down at the table, relishing the feeling of not having to cook tonight and just relaxing until I'm fed. "What's that orgasmic smell coming from the stove?"

"It's my new shampoo rosemary and eucalyptus," he flicks his hair like a Pantene girl until he notices my angry impatient silence, something he knew never to mess with.

"Oh, you mean the food? Well, it's Italian sausage ragu thick tagliatelle with a fresh basil blanket and a sprinkling of Parmigiano Reggiano."

"I love it when you talk dirty to me."

"Wait until I tell you about dessert," he plays along, bringing my above-average-sized portion over to me with the prettiest presentation I had ever seen. He takes the wine bottle and tops up the glass in my hand before even thinking about his own serving.

I might love this man.

"Awe honey you baked?"

He looks at me mischievously before he sits, lost deep within the filthy part of his brain before uttering:

"Something like that."

I don't say anything and shove a stupid amount of pasta into my mouth to suppress a giggle. I groan at the taste, marvelling at the multiple talents of the god of a man that happened to host my birthday party once at the beautiful hotel.

Mel tolerated Taehyung, why she didn't embrace him as her own as she did with me I'll never know. She was civil, she asked questions, and she came over for movie nights and drinks but there was always something she wasn't saying. I thought it was because I did the same whenever she had a boyfriend. To me, no one would ever be good enough for her and if they were I was willing to turn a blind eye in fear of losing her.

How could she not like him?

"This is stunning! Since when do we buy these sausages?"

He looks up from his meal, lips painted red from the stain of the sauce and the dim lighting of the candle. His eyebrows twitch.

"Oh, I bought them today. Hope you don't mind, they still haven't sent my new card yet so I used your spare to get some bits."

He waits.

"Of course! No complaints, keep them coming."

He seemed relieved.

_______________________________________________________

"Who is it this today?"

"Colin Greene!"

"No fucking idea!"

_______________________________________________________

[loveydive]

i just finished reading giovanni’s room and i am curious about the immense amount of ‘room’ imagery in the novel. i mean duh, a novel called ‘giovanni’s room’ is going to use that analogy. but ive seen people interpret giovanni’s room as soooo many things but none of them felt satisfying enough for me.

ive seen ppl call it a physical cage for davids idea of masculinity, or a place of freedom and love where david can love who he loves away from society’s expectations, or a toxic and claustrophobic place that forced him to stay in the closet. but i feel like the room can be all of these at once. in my eyes, the room analogy is amorphous and its meaning changes throughout the story because my take on it is that giovanni’s room is giovanni.

when david first sees the room, he remarks that it is organised by ‘punishment and grief’ (p. 78). and he thinks that his role is to ‘destroy this room and give Giovanni a new and better life. This life could only be my own, which, in order to transform Giovanni’s, must first become a part of Giovanni’s room.’ (p. 78). the implication is clear - he must become a part of giovanni’s life and to destroy the grief that wracks giovanni and give him a better life.

but its important to highlight that giovanni never saw his room like david did. because when david asks him why he has buried himself in ‘that hideous room’ (p. 104), giovanni doesn’t agree with him. he rebutes:

‘The world is full of rooms - big rooms, little rooms, round rooms, square ones, rooms high up, rooms low down - all kinds of rooms! What kind of room do you think Giovanni should be living in? How long do you think it took me to find the room I have? And since when, since when’ - he stopped and beat with his forefinger on my chest - ‘have you so hated the room? Since when? Since yesterday, since always? Dis-mois.’ (p. 104)

if you consider that the idea that giovanni’s room is giovanni, this conversation is essentially david calling giovanni hideous and giovanni having to justify his existence, his humanity to him. giovanni simply lives in that room, he never thought of it as stinking or dirty like david did. because unlike david, giovanni ‘is not afraid of the stink of love’ (p. 125), to him this is simply the reality of love and being human. and when he asks david when he has started to hate the room, it prompts the reader to question of when he has started to hate giovanni himself.

this discovery is all the more heartbreaking when giovanni says this monologue when reuniting with david after hella’s return:

‘Sometimes you were here all day long and you read or you opened the window or you cooked something - and I watched you - and you never said anything - and you looked at me with such eyes, as though you did not see me. All day, while I worked to make this room for you.’ (p. 121-2).

and yes i did cry at the bolded section. it just reminded me of the man called ove and how in that novel love was shown so much through building. how ove builds a ramp for wife so she can go to work, builds all the tables in their houses lower for her, builds bookcases after bookcases. and thats what giovanni was doing for david. he was working to make that room for him. to make himself for david. and when he lost his job, he found other ways to show his love for david through the room and david knows this:

He had some weird idea that it would be nice to have a bookcase sunk in the wall and he chipped though the wall until he came to the brick and began pounding away at the brick. It was hard work, it was insane work, but I did not have the energy or the heart to stop him. In a way he was doing it for me, to prove his love for me. He wanted me to stay in the room with him. Perhaps he was trying, with his own strength, to push back the encroaching walls, without, however, having the walls fall down. (p. 102)

the room where these two have spent so many hours in had begun to feel smaller when they were struggling with money. giovanni recognises the desperation of the whole situation - that he has nothing to offer david anymore. he has no job, he is no longer entertaining enough to pique davids interest, and davids fiancee is coming back. the room has become smaller and boring - he has become small and boring. so when he begins pounding at the brick wall, it was as if he was trying desperately to change himself so that david would stay with him.

but david doesnt. when david first kisses hella upon their reunion he describes her as a ‘familiar, darkened room’ (p. 108), almost as if he is imagining kissing giovanni instead. but when she makes up her mind and they agree to marry, when they make love, he describes her as a ‘strong, walled city’ (p. 110) - david has already learnt to forget giovanni. because no matter how hard he tried, giovanni’s life was so much smaller than hella’s, he could never hope to compete. hella is a city, giovanni is just a room.

and when giovanni was caught, he was caught ‘no farther than the Seine’ (p. 135). giovanni never even left paris even though he knew he would be arrested. he remained there where david had left him - like a house; like a room.

the room was never just a room - the room is him; he is the room. and he could not make himself into a city for david as much as he wanted to try.