#he has adhd and is like “things weren't difficult or bad for me”

[novataleart]

Love how the person interviewing my transition at the gender health clinic while my dad was on the phone with us (he provided absolutely no info whatsoever) asked if he misgenders me constantly, and I was like-

... no :)

Yknow, like a liar

[call-me-resenei]

Sakamaki brothers + Yui Komori with a S/O who has ADHD [Hcs]

🏀Ayato Sakamaki:

● He wouldn't really care until your disorder goes extreme.

● He will have patience with you if you forget to do something that 'He' has told you to do.

● He will defend you when you forget to do something that his brothers have told you to do. His brothers will most likely get annoyed at you for it or they might give you punishment for forgetting something they told you to do. Ayato would appear suddenly infront of you and would defend you when this happens.

● I know it's hard to believe that this man has patience 🥲. If he gets annoyed at his S/O for forgetting he will bite them really hard or just scold them. If they don't understand why they are getting yelled at he will sigh and explain it to them with his patience running out....

🧸Kanato Sakamaki:

● ....He will get annoyed very fast if you forget anything he has told you to do Or if your not listening to him speaking as your mind is on something else.

● He will throw tantrums and get violent with his S/O. “How about if I turn you into a doll or a teddy bear? Then you'll be forever listening to me, you'll never forget anything.” He will say as he squeezes your neck tightly... His brothers will always be there near you both if anything bad is about to happen to you.

● He will eventually learn how to deal with a S/O who has ADHD. Though it will take months or even years for him to fully learn.

● He wouldn't really care if you forget anything that his brothers told you to do Or so.

🎭Laito Sakamaki:

● Laughs when his S/O forgets stuff or isn't paying attention.

● He's very cool about it. He will help his S/O to remember things she forgets but they'll have to give him back something in return...their body..

● He's the sweetest among them all and one of the most understanding one as well. But if his S/O forgets something Very Important then he will punish them.

🌹Subaru Sakamaki:

● He will get annoyed really fast.

● When he gets angry at them for them forgetting or not paying attention he will choose violence unintentionally and then instantly regret it. He knows it's not their fault.

● He will also help his S/O to remember what they forgot just like Laito but without wanting anything back from them.

● He will try to understand his S/O alot which helps him to deal with them.

● He will defend his S/O from Ayato, Laito and Kanato the most. He's fine with Reiji and Shu but would be against Reiji giving them punishments.

🍷Reiji Sakamaki:

● “Did you even hear what I said (y/n)?” he would ask after he finished talking and knowing that you weren't paying attention.

● He would keep a close eye on you just incase.

● He will understand you the best. He would actually study about ADHD and within hours he would know every single thing about the disorder.

● He will defend you too like Ayato and Subaru would.

● He won't give you any severe punishments knowing that it's not your fault 'Completely'.

● He would help you to remember things and pay attention. Though, paying attention was difficult for you to learn.

🎻Shu Sakamaki:

● He's cool about it too like Laito.

● He wouldn't care if his S/O isn't paying attention or forgetting to do something his brothers told her to do.

● If They unintentionally don't pay attention to him or forget to do something he told them to do then he wouldn't spare his S/O one bit.

🩷Yui Komori:

● She is very calm, understanding etc etc with her S/O's disorder.

● She is very sweet with her S/O, always helping them out with remembering stuff that they forget.

● She will repeat her sentences and other people's sentences again and again if her S/O was not paying attention to them talking.

★✿★AN:Um... My main content will be Diabolik lovers.Ofc I will also stick up with other fandoms. I apologize for any errors.🤍

[tavtarnish]

So I was looking at soap's wiki page and it says that he visited his cousin in the SAS many times and also tried to join under aged a few times, right? Well it doesn't say why, tho. And any normal person would assume that he wanted to join so bad because of his cousin. But im not normal so I got to thinking.well even if he did join just because of that cousin, that doesn't explain why whe tried to join early. Multiple times. So obviously there is atleast another factor in this situation. And we've all established his thing for hating himself, just a bit, and he's definitely not a straight man. And well homosexual and military down exactly sound like a the most delicious martini. And I'm not exactly caught up on Scotland's ally status, nor have I found much info about his family. So what if this was his way of self punishment for being a gay man?

But, El, what if he didn't realize his sexuality until aftet he joined? Or his family was supportive? An excellent question. If it wasn't that maybe it was because he had no direction in life. Perhaps he felt lost. Academics maybe weren't his strong suit, or he burnt out at somepoint, so college (university?) Wasn't an option. Maybe his parents said either higher education or a job, right?(yes I'm heavily projecting onto this poor man, I'm sorry but you also can't stop me) In today's day and age it is becoming increasingly difficult to find a job without a college degree. And jobs like that can always be unstable or underpaid or overworked, understaffed, unnecessarily dangerous, and a multitude of other things. But the military? Well you know what you're signing up for, you really only have to do as your told and no more, and you can do alot of good. Plus he already has a cousin in there.

Or maybe its as simple as his family has/had money issued and the military gives good pay?

Also apparently I left a comment on the latest chapter of I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S and I don't remember lol. Also I promise the next part of my favorite moments is coming out. I've been very busy lately. Sorry for the long ask

I've had SO many thoughts about Soap joining the military ESPECIALLY the fact he tried to join at 16 but was refused. You are allowed to join the military at 16 with parental consent, so I've come to the conclusion that his parents wouldn't like the fact that he wanted to be in the military - this tracks considering many Scots who see them self separate from Brits aren't typically the biggest fans of joining UK collective things like the military (this is coming from my Irish bg so it could be different).

As to why he wanted to join, I think there are multiple reasons, but if his queerness is a reason I would think its less to do with punishing himself (though sometimes it may feel like a punishment being around Ghost when Soap wants him so badly) and more to do with him possibly avoiding telling his family. Scotland as a whole recently is quite up there in ally status but that 1) doesn't reflect how the 2000's/2010's were 2) doesn't mean everyone is an ally ofc. Anyway, the MacTavishes aren't homophobic in any regard but that doesn't mean Soap knows that or isn't scared (either bc he's never seen his family react to queer people irl or, if he has, he'll think he'll be an exception).

Other causes likely are due to his school career: he was a footballer, but I don't think he ever tried to go pro, and in ISBTPKFTS the backstory I've given him wouldn't allow him to (W.C status and home life). And you make a great point with burnout - if we're sticking to real rules of the army, he wouldn't be able to be medicated or have lesson plan adjustments for his ADHD if he's diagnosed (i think I read that somewhere) so he's either not diagnosed or he never had accommodations so burnout is very likely. Uni, of course, would seem like a horrible thing for him, even if he was like many ppl who go to uni for the experience or bc of the job market.

But the idea that his parents expecting him to get a job or go to uni is very real (dw I'm also projecting here) and the monotonous work/life balance sounded like hell. Knowing his cousin's life in the army definitely planted the seed, and I think (in the fic at least) he'd visit his cousin to get some free time away from home but it ends up convincing him of what he wanted to do with his life. Like you said, you know what you sign up for with the army. He probably didn't expect the RSD to follow him especially if he isn't diagnosed, or if he's not very clued up on that part of his ADHD,hence why he can't rationalise his own feelings when they start to overwhelm him

Also dont be sorry and there's no rush I love that you even want to make those posts in the first place!! Thank you

[donnies--jacket]

Mud Pup (Mud Dogz & Reader Headcannons)

relationship: familial

warnings: lil bit of swearing

a/n: HELLO, HI, YES, and welcome to what is likely going to be the only time i ever write on here. i've been thinking about these headcannons by @bootyyy-shaker9000 every day, and my little found family loving heart decided to make me write this. so here, take it.

also srry if it kinda jumps around a lot??? my adhd bitchass just has a dolphin brain and processes things kinda wack and it sorta effects how i write 😳. and i also wrote this at like 3am while very sleepy over the course of two days so dahfsdgfzdgfsdhfdgfsdgfs. also i didnt proofread this or anything i just. word vomit, yknow.

Living with the Mud Dogz was. interesting.

I mean, it wasn't bad, not at all, it was just... you were a family of four absolute himbos, with a total of one braincell among you and no one knows who has it.

Still, you love your dumbass dads and they love you!! Living with them was great!

Out of the three of them, Danny is the most parental with you-- probably because he's the oldest and relatively the most responsible of them.

He helps you with things like your homework and teaches you a lot of basic life skills like cooking and stuff, but he also helps out a lot with emotional problems, too. He's able to comfort you when you're anxious or sad, and can calm you down when you get angry.

G O D , Danny would absolutely have one of those "baby on board" stickers on his car.

Even though you're NOT a baby!! >:(( You're big and strong!!!

Mickey often tends to be much more of a fun older brother than a parent for you, but he still does always step up and fulfill that role when needed. Mostly though, y'all are just the most chaotic pair of siblings.

You're such horrible influences for each other omfg-

The two of you are constantly egging each other on to do stupid shit, and are so goddamn DESTRUCTIVE. If it weren't for Danny and Leonard, you would both be dead by now.

"Y/n and I are immortal. Our proof is that we haven't died yet."

Leonard is probably the most inexperienced when it comes to being a parent.

Growing up, he'd really only had his mother and, sadly, she'd passed away when he was little. His dad wasn't around much, so for a lot of his life he'd practically raised himself. He'd gotten so used to taking care of himself that he wasn't sure how to take care of others.

He'd gotten accustomed to watching out for Danny and Mickey after some time, but keeping an eye out for someone not even half his age was a lot more difficult for him.

Still though, he really tries his best and actively makes an effort to be there for you. He may not be as good at Danny is at parenting, or be able to connect with you in the same way that Mickey can, but he loves you just as much as they do, and you love him just as much as you do them.

Leonard honestly is the most "dad" of the bunch.

Like ofc they're all dads, but, as previously mentioned, Mick is so often much more of an older brother and Danny is honestly a lot more of a mom-type. Leonard fills the role of a father much better than the others.

Speaking of mom Danny.

Dan's maternal instincts are IMMACULATE. Like,,,,,,,, bro,,,,,,,

Each one of the Mud Dogz are so extreamely protective of you, but Danny is just... the most. To the point where it can be very overbearing.

"Y/n, careful!! That's sharp! You could cut yourself."

"Literally, I was just reading a book."

If there's anything that you can't stand about your family, it's how much they baby you. They treat you like a little kid!! They ask you if you want appy slices and little cups of peanut butter to dip them in, as if you aren't fully capable of getting your own DAMN appy slices!!!!

But, to be completely honest, the Mud Dogz are very anxious about you getting older. It felt like you were growing up so, so fast and they just... didn't really know how to handle it?

They knew that getting older was inevitable and all but they just weren't ready for that to happen. They weren't ready for you to grow up yet. That's why they baby you so much; because they don't want to have to let you go.

When you finally bring up just how frustrated you are with them babying you all the time, they explain this all to you; how scared they are that you're growing up and that you wont need them anymore.

"You guys... I'll always need you."

"...Really?"

"Of course!! You're my family, and my best friends! I love you. And you'll always be apart of my life."

Cut to the Mud Dogz absolutely BLUBBERING.

They crowded around you for a big group hug, and just about suffocated you.

"Heh, we love you too, kiddo."

"Just promise that you'll slow down a bit for us, okay?"

"I promise."

HOO BOY, gettin a bit emotional there aint we

anyways 🥺 back to the shenanigans

The guys are surprisingly very affectionate with you, Mickey especially. They're constantly giving you little pats on the back or rubbing your head, and hugs are very frequent as well. Oh!! They also give you lots of little kisses on the head, too!

When it comes to spending time together, it really varies depending on who you're with.

Like, if it's just you and Mickey then you'll likely be up playing video games all night and eating junk food until you pass out.

If you and Danny hang out, you'll probably be watching a bunch of old movies on VHS or cooking together.

With you and Len, he likes to take you out for long car rides. Usually you won't even have any idea where you're going, you'll just drive until you get lost or run out of gas.

If it's the four of you together, though... oh boy.

You've tried to do so many things together as a family, but no matter what, it always ends in chaos.

Like, this one time you all played Monopoly together, and by the time you were halfway through the game, Dan and Len had gotten into THREE FIST FIGHTS, Mickey had attempted to rob the bank twice (despite you repeatedly telling him that isn't how the game works), and you'd had seventeen mental breakdowns.

You all never played Monopoly again after that.

And for real, everything ended up like this.

You tried to watch a movie together, but none of you could agree on what to watch and argued over it for an hour, until you finally just picked something random and it ended up being terrible.

You tried to go camping together and nearly got mauled by a bear and spent two days straight in a the-- which was not at all helped by Mick's constant complaining and you literally begging to climb down to try and make friends with the bear.

Even going to the grocery store was disastrous! You'd either end up being recognized by the police and have to make a run for it, or you get lost on the way there!

Still though, none of you would ever consider these to be bad memories. You look back on them all quite fondly, actually.

Monopoly night is something you always think back to and laugh over just how dramatic you all were being; you had all had a lot of fun watching that terrible movie and making fun of it; you'd surprisingly learnt a lot about each other while stuck up in that tree and had grown very close as a family because of it; and going out together was always exciting because you never know what could happen!

Honestly, there's not a single moment you've spent with the Mud Dogz that you regret, not even one. You genuinely cherish the time you've spent with them, and you couldn't imagine just how sad and lonely you would be without them.

Your family is an absolutely chaotic mess, but, you wouldn't change it for the world.

[bi-rising]

i just saw someone on twitter say that neurodivergence in 2021 has become what anxiety and depression was in 2016 on tumblr in relation to how people romanticise it and self-diagnose based on it being quirky✨ or something that makes them feel different bc normal is boring💫 (as if these aren't serious things that one has to learn how to live with) and i couldn't agree more. i'm neurotypical but have had depression and anxiety for years and it was so annoying to see those mental illnesses being reduced to personality traits that suddenly everyone now had so therefore they weren't actually that bad. and now i see it happening with neurodivergence and it breaks my heart it's happening to you guys too... (i don't mean that most people are impostors ofc, but i've heard irl friends who i know for a fact are neurotypical say they "hyperfixate" and stuff like that, but when it comes to actual neurodivergent discourse, silence).

i guess even twitter is right sometimes, huh? alkdjfalkdsf really though, that's absolutely true. i've also got depression & anxiety, and seeing it turned into "hehe, look at me, i wear hoodies in the summer and listen to 5sos!!!" was absolutely disgusting. like,,,,it's so obvious that they didn't have any idea what it's like to live with that shit, and often just used it as an excuse

and you're correct that yeah, it's happening to neurodivergencies. now, i'm mostly on the adhd side of content bc obviously lmao that's what i have, so i can't say a lot about autism or other neurodivergencies, but i've definitely seen this same thing happening, and bc of the overlap between the two communities, i'm very certain it's happening over there as well. for adhd, it's the stupid fucking "hah, look, squirrel!! omg i'm SOOO random, i'm hyperfixated on all this, i have crackhead energy, i drink so much caffeine, if you feel a certain way when you hear a sound then you're adhd too!!!!" as if it's not an absolutely fucking debilitating condition that has almost ruined my life several times, tanks my mental health, drains my finances, makes it incredibly difficult to connect with people, and will continue to influence every aspect of my achievements and failures. or, you know, the fact that i can't get medication without a diagnosis, and a diagnosis means that i can easily be discriminated against especially by insurance companies and jobs that require medical histories.

and i know i'm kind of ranting here, but THANK YOU for pointing out that it's an issue for neurotypical people to say they're "hyperfixated" with something, bc like??? i think most neurotypical people think hyperfixations are just things you like a lot. as if i didn't carry around about 30-40 printed out pictures of my favorite anime for two years in junior high and could literally talk about nothing else than it even when i desperately wanted to talk about something else. as if i didn't lose a friend for three years bc he kept teasing me about a scene in a show i was hyperfixated on and i took it so personally that i literally straight up stopped talking to him, and it took me losing that hyperfixation to be able to apologize to him and be friends with him again. and that's not going into how all the other adhd symptoms can destroy your life.

like, first of all, stop using terms that you don't understand, that are for communities that you don't belong to. and secondly, if you're not going to stand up for us and help us, you're doing double the harm.

anyway yeah, i really appreciate your concern and i'm happy for the support!! it's really nice to have allies, and i'm happy to know that some neurotypicals do actually care about us alsdkfjalsdjkf

[teenagebeautyqueen]

[Image description: a young person holds a mobile phone with a blue case and a paper on the other. the paper has a drawing of an umbrella colored with the trans pride flag. we can only see their upper body. they are looking down and to the left of the image. they're smiling without showing their teeth, and look relaxed. they're wearing a black, loose hoodie and some shorts can be seen at the bottom of the picture. they're also using black nail polish. on the background there is a door and a star wars poster. the other image is a close up of the paper. end ID]

🌈ʜᴇ/ᴛʜᴇʏ🌈

happy trans day of visability to all my fellow trans*!! here is me and my project for peace's day... i personally love it. it's on spanish, but i'll translate it for y'all.

the text on the left says "cada persona que conoces está luchando una batalla de la que no sabes nada. sé amable. siempre", which is the translation of that quote that goes like "every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind. always".

the one on the right says "¿qué sentido hay en pelear? ¿por qué insistimos en sabotearnos mutuamente? Todos caminamos por el mismo sendero embarrado, todos nos dirigimos al mismo final." its translation is something like "what's the point on fighting? why do we insist on sabotage each other? we all walk the same muddy path, we are all headed for the same end."

and above the umbrella there's words like "odio", "acoso", "ignorancia" & "discriminación", which mean "hatred", "harassment", "ignorance", and "discrimination".

yeah i'm very subtle.

i've decided to share my story with the world. but i got kinda carried away. it's not s fairy tale, so don't read it if you're sensitive to themes like bullying, mental health issues, and toxic people.

——————————————————————

it's been... one ride of a journey, to say the least. i've said a few times that i started to question my gender around summer. but that's not quite true.

growing up, i never was fond of... anything that i associated with femenine, really. this included, but wasn't limited to, any color that wasn't blue (pink and purple get a special mention, i despised them), flowers, clothes too loose or too tight, shorts if they weren't from some sport, etc. i think you get the idea.

this collided with me being afab (aka a girl for everyone including myself) & neurodivergent. i wanted nothing to do with those things. but society wanted me to love them.

5 yo me said she didn't like Monster High. 5 yo female classmate said i was a weirdo. 7 yo me loved football. 7 yo male classmate said i couldn't play because i was a girl. 9 yo me hyperfixated on minecraft. 9 yo pretty much every classmate called me a geek.

so i stoped trying. for a while, i loved pink, wanted to have rapunzel's hair, watched disney channel, etc. but i already was the weirdo. i remember being three and friends with all of them. i remember playful fights for the toy rocket and reading books with the only other boy who could read, to ourselves, each other, and the whole class. but people grow up, and they change. so yeah, i was bullied. always the last one to be chosen, left alone on the bus rides, on my own at the playground.

and you'll be thinking "that sucks, but pao, how is it related to you being trans?"

you'll see, i didn't have many friends. i was kinda alone until i turned 7. then two new kids came to my class. let's call them eva and john. i made friends with them asap. i loved them so much!! they were my first friends since kindergarden. so i allowed myself to let go. i was already hated by most of my peers. why wouldn't i be myself with those who didn't despise me? (i was 7 when i thought this. 7 years old, and i thought that out of 20 people, 18 hated me. and then people wonder why i've got self-steem issues lmao. i'm tryna make the point that bullying in primary school isn't just some mean kids calling you names. i'm currently in high school and it still has its mark on me. but that's for another moment.)

so yeah. i went "wild". eva has adhd too (noice, right? i mean she has her diagnosis becaise she's primarly hyperactive, while i'm primarly inattentive, but we understood each other way quickier than with neurotypicals– even if i didn't know why yet), and john was kinda shy & corpulent (he wasn't fat, but he didn't look slim either), just like me. so we became friends. and i slowly opened up a little, while still playing my role of "the freak kid". i knew i was seen as that AND as the smart kid. double pressure, double bullying. but i had my small circle. it evolved until my current friend group, in which, god bless, there's a trans girl!! (eva's still on it– she's my best friend and i would die for her, no doubts. john can go fuck himself, the goddamned fascist).

but it ain't that easy. it never is. i'm 14 and afab. shit happens. y'all get it.

my first period happened while i was on a school trip (bad), on a hotel with no pads avaliable (very bad), on another country so i couldn't call my mum unless i had wifi because politics & stuff– and i did not have wifi (really bad). cue a lot of dysphoria (even if i didn't know it was that) + not being able to contact anyone. add the fact that i was the second one to have it, and it was some kind of taboo– it meant the other girls wouldn't leave me alone, and the result is clear: one of my worst panic attacks ever, on a tiny bathroom of some shitty hotel room.

from there it went downhill. my body started to become femenine, and the football short didn't make my hips smaller. my face, my oh so alarged face, suddenly became rounder. puberty hit me not only physically, but emotionally. and if that wasn't enough, we, as a class, were entering what's called here "the turkey age", a.k.a. teenagerhood, where looks become even more important. it didn't take long until i hated my body.

[WARNING: from here, this gets hard. mentions of eating disorders, depressive episodes/thoughts, toxic enviroments, homophobia/transphobia (both internalized and external), anxiety attacks, and thoughts of self-harm]

i thought "it's big, it shouldn't be big, it's fat. besides i don't want it to grow so fast. i want to make it stop growing. how? well, i grow up by eating. no eating=no growing".

yeah. eating disorder. when i think about it, i want to laugh. because it only took a few comments and "jokes" for me to be so angry at myself when i should be mad with them. i'm big. always have been, very likely always will. i've been told that i could make a very good rugby player. i probably would. i shared my cantine table with people (😔). and they wouldn't shut up. "[deadname], the rest wants to eat too!", "look at [deadname], she's gonna eat it all!". things like that. i stoped eating. i would pick up the smallest amount of food i could, even if my stomach was begging me to please eat something. eventually, my mum found out. and she helped me to grow out of it. i sometimes releapse, but never for that long. because i went on a whole year like that. and it sucked.

so, last year. socially anxious neurodivergent girl with several doubts on her sexuality gets to eight grade.

i play basketball. since i was little. i used to enjoy it a lot. we weren't a team– we were a family. loved 'em so much, 1000/10 one of the best things of my life. BOOM. now you're old enough & good enough to be on the "good" team. in the good time there's the cool kids. i am not a cool kid. oops. i was left behind, they all laughed at my back, no one cared about me (except one girl, but she was in the group and was scared to act until almost the end of the year. love her for that tho). i felt like shit. i was too scared to go to train. the sight of a ball scared me, because i couldn't help but think everyone was talking shit about me. we went to a national championship and when they went out to the city, they didn't tell me, then sent a pic of them having fun to the groupchat & delated it saying "oops it was for the other group". i had several breakdowns on my room that night. it was such a bad experience i can't even hear the name of the city without tearing up.

not to count that a new girl decided to make my life a living hell. now i know how to deal with her, but then i didn't, and i ended up curled up on the bathroom floor crying.

all while i discovered my own identity. i was so scared of being non-straight i hated myself for it.

it was a tough year and there were times where i would wish i'd never existed. it was too much for me to deal with, and i was just miserable. but i got out of it. remember the trans girl i mentioned? she's closeted, and she told me just this october. but even before that, she was my friend. she bought a new life to it all, a fresh one. i owe her a lot, including accepting myself as i am.

she is here, despite everything.

i am here, despite everything.

you are all here, despite everything.

some of us aren't here. they are the ones we remember. each one of us has our history. i shared mine with you all. it is not an easy road. you know that. it's hard, and it's tough, and it's difficult, and it's unfair.

but we are here, despite everything. the ones who made it, the ones who didn't, the ones who are halfway through it, and the ones who are to come.

we are here. we are trans. and we won't be erased.

[dzpenumbra]

9/22/22

Here's a weird one - putting your thoughts out there. Well I might as well put this out there first, I finally went to the dispensary. It was so much better to have gone today than yesterday. It was fucking awesome, like... one of the best outings I've had in years. No exaggeration. Deeply grateful for that experience. Because of that, I am trying out a new strain of cannabis tonight for the creative/sleep ritual this blog is now part of. Welcome into my ritual, which is a little bit an OCD trait, if you want to call it that, I guess, if that's your jargon. It's one of the only really functional/structured parts of my life so I don't really want to disparage it by calling it "disorder". So I guess I'm just putting a disclaimer out there that I'm interacting with a new plant friend tonight and I'm not quite sure how we interact. It's very unique getting acquainted with a new strain of cannabis, it's kinda like meeting someone new for the first time, but in a very intimate way. I wanted to smoke during the day to test it out, because night can make me more paranoid sometimes, but I didn't get to.

I had a moment a few minutes ago where I was thinking in my head about... I guess about skating physics. Shit, yes that was it. It was watching Andy Schrock skate. He skates very tense, his muscles are very tense all the time, I think its an ADHD/ADD thing, it would make sense, I have it too. He's had to get surgeries on both his shoulders because of it. I feel really bad for him, I know exactly what would completely change his life and probably fix a lot of his physical pain. It would probably help him skate much longer too, and he has 3 sons so I'd really like to see him not give up on that. I think he needs to relax - yes, it's simple, but it's incredibly important in this case - and re-learn how to skate relaxed. I think he needs to evolve his style of skating to one that doesn't hurt him so much. I was thinking of how goddamn impressive it is that he can do any of the tricks he can do with how tense he is. The amount strength and muscle power he's exerting doing the same movements that are fluid to others... it's incredibly impressive with how accurate he is with them. It's a very strong display of control. But it comes at a price, and that price is likely being taken out on his tendons, if my anatomy study is serving me correctly. That's my guess. Again, he had to get surgery on both shoulders, so if that weren't the case, I'd say he's got a very unique style that's very original and just kinda leave it at that. But I think his style is literally hurting him. So I think he needs to study really flowly skaters... like Skategoat, or Sergio Santoro... to name a few.

Now how the fuck do you tell someone who busted their ass their entire adult life on this. His dream. Tell him that he skates "wrong". And that it's not personal at all, it's not saying that to punish him, or to tell him he's done something shameful or wrong. It's not even punitive. It's actually a huge compliment. He won't see it that way reflexively, probably, since most everyone has a huge ego-defense-mechanism problem these days. But again, what it says is that he is insanely talented to be able to be as successful as he is with a skating style that is insanely difficult to be good with. I would bet Dan Corrigan would be one too. And I'm probably one too. It's really hard to skate tense, and it's even harder to completely re-learn something that you've been doing for 10 or 20 years. And I mean re-learn.

Note, this isn't just learning how to skate switch. This is relearning how to skate regular. Yeah. It's a really big concept that can be hard to swallow. It's like literally relearning how to push while keeping your body loose. How to ride down a hill while your muscles are relaxed. How to steer the board with loose... trucks... maybe that's part of it? Maybe that could help? But also how to steer the board with loose hips and shoulders. How to flow. Not how to power through and flip and grind, but how to flow.

Imagine your exerted kinetic energy from your muscles as like... puffs of air... or like jets of dyed water being pumped into clear water. So a lot of the skaters I watch, their kinetic energy flow is very fluid, like a slow-motion flame-flicker. That's a good analogy I guess. Schrock's is much more of a burst. He's far from alone, he's just the example here. I feel like I'm singling him out! XD I skate like this too, it's like a PTSD/ADD thing for me, but it's hard to like... tell someone. He probably doesn't know it can be a trauma thing or whatever, it can be a really awkward conversation, trust me. But man, if there were a way to like... get him to learn flow instead of control. Learn how to skate with looser shoulders and hips. And adapt his style to one that doesn't sacrifice a trick-bank, is still true to the style he wants to skate like, but is much more flowy and using smoother movements, I bet he could tack on an extra decade to how long he can skate for, and probably wouldn't need any more medical stuff done. And actually probably would just make him happier overall since he wouldn't be in pain all the time.

There's always weed for all that, but I honestly doubt he'd want to smoke. He's a father of 3 with a doctor for a wife and is on YouTube/social media for a living, I strongly doubt weed is in his life much at all. So I won't bother suggesting that, though it's a really good way to just jump your way into the flow. Maybe like a THC/CBD tincture? I just learned a bunch about that the past few days, let me take you down this mental corridor over here...

So I've probably written about this a bunch recently, but it bears repeating. So I'm very new to this cannabis/CBD science, but apparently CBD can cancel out the cognitive aspects of weed. And I'm guessing when you breed out the CBD percentage from the strain, it strengthens the THC value, because there's less inhibiting it. Like the THC has always been there, but the CBD is neutralizing part of it. Right? If there's a cannabis expert that knows more about this than me, please pass along some science on this as a reply, I'd really appreciate the knowledge. I got a tincture today that apparently is 1:1 ratio of THC/CBD and I'm guessing the cognitive effects of it would be pretty comparable to the Delta-8/Hybrid mix I was smoking the past 2 weeks(ish). I wonder if people like Andy and Dan, who I would really bet don't smoke, would be willing to try a tincture in smaller doses. It metabolizes like an edible so it should last most of the day, it's pretty much as "medicinal use" as you can get. I mean for fuck's sake if you're using it to treat chronic pain from skate injuries, and it's actively helping you learn how to skate a healthier style, you'd be a fuckin idiot to not prescribe that shit to them. And they wouldn't have to worry about being high for work, or in Andy's case around his kids. Not dopey, not impaired. Even in a worst-case scenario, they're already random goofballs, I don't think anyone would notice a difference if they accidentally pushed the edge of getting high.

I'd start off slow, dial it in, find where the high line is... and you have a dropper to do that too, so you can get all super scientific, like you're trying out a new hot sauce!!!! Or a coffee/energy drink. Just like that. And you learn what the tincture does, how it feels. Then find the line of the high, where you start feeling it in the way you think, hyper-alertness, stuff like that. Get used to that feeling, take notes, if you wanna get all medical with it, it can be useful information for reference. Then when you really familiarize yourself with what the high feels like, what it feels like when it kicks in, what it does to you, how it impairs you, what kind of tasks you can do while you're in it and what seems like a bit much. Then, if you ever start feeling that place again, you accidentally dosed a little too much, you can just have like pure CBD drops there or something too. I really think this works and I really want to make sure I have some CBD drops on hand because god damn would that be a great tool for someone with a history of chronic freakouts to have on hand. That high getting scary? You feel like someone's breaking into your house or you're getting existential dread or something? Take a few drops of CBD and it will start to neutralize the THC reaction, biophysically making the high weaker.

The science is still being done on all this, because... you know... superstitious people... but a lot of the stuff I've been reading says this is a legit thing, and I'd be more than glad to do some home testing and report back.

If this shit works, I swear to god... these guys wouldn't be so worried about planning their retirement in their mid-30's. I'm pretty sure Aaron Kyro would fall into this category too, but I don't know, I haven't followed him in a while.

The hard sell on this is... A). You have to convince them to reset their skating style. To learn how to skate all over again. Like I'm having to do, but I have the advantage of barely skating the past 10 years. B). Convince them that THC/CBD tincture (not JUST CBD) is going to be the most effective tool and medical aid. I really do think that the THC in low doses is the important part, not a megadose of pure CBD with no THC. I think the THC is very important, just wanna reiterate that clearly - the part that gets you high is the part that will help with this, not just the CBD. So again, not lots of CBD is good, little bits of THC mixed with lots of CBD is good. If I'm understanding the studies, that's important. If it were prescribed by a physical therapist, I would bet they'd give it a try. I would try it myself. I am literally doing it right this second. And I avoided smoking weed for over 15 years because I got insane freakouts in college and failed out of school because of it. Fucked up my life. Never got that degree in Film Studies so I could make skate movies with my friends, failed out. Because I got too high and didn't have friends to talk me down and help me understand what was happening to me.

No lie, I avoided weed from 18 to...32? So yeah, about 15 years. Terrified of the shit. I am now writing this high on a new strain of indica-dominant hybrid, and I am greatly enjoying my interaction with it. It's a very warm strain, hard to describe, but just kinda like a warm blanket feeling. And it really doesn't mess with my thinking at all. I'll reread stuff sometimes, but I usually do that, I guess it's kinda harder to put my thoughts directly onto the keyboard like I used to, but I'm sure I'll get used to that in time.

I'm still thorn-in-my-side about Andy, because he's fucking awesome, I absolutely love his Taco Game Time channel, I've been watching it since it debuted. I don't give a fuck if it's for kids, they're funny as fuck and its a really good content-safe go-to when I'm high and emotionally sensitive and I don't really wanna get blindsided by a dark concept like death or abuse, like... content warning stuff, like stuff you wouldn't want around kids. It's a nice thing to call home base for a light-hearted atmosphere I try to cultivate around bedtime. Dan Corrigan is good for that too. They're my go-to's right now, every night, have been for several months.

I want him to be able to skate with his kids for many years to come. I want him to be more... at ease. With the insane work schedule and personal life he must have. It's just non-stop. Work is very good, play is very good, but relaxation is a really important thing for rebounding, and when you're wound tight like a drum 24/7... Well, let me share something I'm an expert in as an analogy on what happens here.

I have been barefoot hiking since I was... probably... 18? You know, I'll just say fuck it at that point, since we were all barefoot as kids. At least I was... I've been barefoot hiking pretty much all my life. There was a period where I decided to do a stretch of the Appalachian Trail. I did a 2-day/2-night solo through hike, a total of 22 miles over at least 4 different peaks, with a full pack. I've done my fair share of barefoot hiking. I walked across a campfire for some college kids and earned myself the trail name "Coal Walker". So... trust me on this one. If you want to walk barefoot safely, the secret is the elasticity of your foot skin. If you keep your foot muscles tight, and tighten the skin, you increase the tension of the skin. It becomes tight like a drum. I know from being a tattooist that tight skin is ideal for piercing and tearing. The tighter the better. But tattooing on loose skin is incredibly difficult. The needle just grazes off the surface, you struggle to get it into the skin. So what you need to do is keep your feet relaxed. Practice feeling what different materials feel like with your feet, and practice distributing your weight across different foot muscles. Shifting your weight around is like the absolute key to it. That way, if you feel something sharp - and you practice to be able to detect what sharp things feel like immediately without having to look - you relax and shift your weight in a direction where you feel something not-sharp. You can stay in contact with a sharp rock the entire time, but just have your weight go to the pad on the side of your foot, or on the ball, or on the heel. The more practice, the easier it gets. But if your skin is tight? You're already cut. I have gotten 3 cuts on my feet in 15 years. Two from just completely not paying attention at all, user-error. The other from holding a rock ledge in the crease under my big toe a bit too tightly and cutting the skin, user-error. That's all, and all due to just relaxing.

I think this applies to muscles and tendons as well, I have no idea why it wouldn't it would not make any logical sense for it not to apply. So I really want to say, for people who are constantly moving, constantly tense - relaxation is a very important commodity and resource. More important than for most. Not work. Work is good, it's an important outlet and concept in life, of course, to produce things with your talents. But relaxation is recovery. And I mean this in the physical sense. Not just yoga, but laying around in the grass after yoga and doing nothing. Corpse pose. Laying in a bath. Releasing your muscles. I don't do it nearly enough. And people always go "oh just relax", and people like me just go "fuck you, just relax, it's not that simple!"

Welp, imagine if you could take a supplement that helps you physically release your muscles easier, consciously. And help you develop that new habit. And it will function as physical therapy injury prevention, and is likely covered as a work expense, at very least a medical treatment. Imagine if "just relax" was as simple as just 2 drops in your coffee on your way to work, or in your hot sauce on your eggs in the morning. And you're good through most of the day. Maybe top it off before bed to help with sleep, if that's a problem. And if you go too far? CBD drops and you're dialed back in.

I think this kind of plan could work for a lot of people like me. But I have yet to have anyone articulate it to me in a way I could understand. I hope maybe I can explain the experience that I'm going through in a way others could understand more clearly. That they can relate to more. But modern western society seems to have a very big stigma against relaxation (equating it to laziness/non-productivity) and impairment (equating it to sloppiness, degeneracy and... non-productivity). So I've been finding it hard to speak openly about these things, for fear of judgement that I know very well, that I lived myself for many years through these eyes.

I'm hoping my courage tonight is beneficial for someone. Because I was anxious when I started writing this. It started with "putting my thoughts out there". I was anxious about saying these thoughts out loud because people nowadays just really like to jump to conclusions and judge, and then do a lot of research to try and justify their conclusion. Just think about that for a second. Imagine an actual Judge, you know a person who professionally judges people? Maybe let's use them as a role model for judgement, shall we? Can you imagine a Judge coming up with a knee-jerk judgement in a case, and then searching for evidence to prove their claim? I'm not really sure how someone could be a worse Judge than that, other than being stupid, being biased or being a liar.

Tonight, with this, I did what I really want to do with my life. What I feel compelled to do as an artist, musician, writer. I said what I'm thinking. And trying to say fuck the judgement. I can't let that prevent me from saying something that I feel is important.

I have a picture I drew back in college on my wall by my bathroom. It has me with my mouth duct taped shut and a canvas on an easel covered in crime scene evidence tape. There's a figure standing in front of me that looks like a ventriloquist dummy with a suit and tie and corporate-approved haircut who's keeping me quiet. For many many years I thought this... caricature, this cartoon, this art piece... was a depiction of others. Other people in my life. And in a way, it is. But it's never that goddamn simple, is it? Because no other person came in and censored my art. No one took my pieces off the wall, or off the internet, no one deleted lyrics or replaced words because they might be damningly honest. Very recently I have learned that I censored them. That the puppet is inside me, part of me. Me the dummy dum-dum. I'm both of them.

So, tonight, my new plant friend reminded me that I was afraid to share that thought. And I decided to say fuck it and write about it, because I clearly care a lot and feel like it could literally change not just his life, but the lives of his kids, his wife and honestly his coworkers too. But here's the real anxiety test, ladies and gents. Would it be weird to send this to him? Would it be like... awkward? ...or strange? ...to have some artist around your age that's learning some really cool shit about physical and mental health care, that's really inspired by your life story, which inspired them to get back into skating after 10 years... message you out of the blue and say all this? Just bluntly fuckin honest and concerned, trying to send a message of healing out to a world that looks like it could use all it can get? I don't know. Maybe it's worth trying.

Maybe I'll just share my sentiment with the Internet and leave it in your hands, reader, whether this ends up in front of the guy whose video I watched a montage of before I started writing... because they all took a week off... because they're all working their balls off... And if this somehow finds him? Hi! If I can get back on a skateboard after 10+ years of PTSD from when an ER surgeon was just minutes away from lopping off my leg at the knee because of a blood clot in the shin, you can bring your style into a new era.