#he never found it fair that he got to exist while roxas was told to unalive.

[storm-driver]

from here

[briefobservationdreamer]

Kingdom Hearts Redemption Arcs: Lea/Axel

Before this subject can be discussed, there are some things that need to be established regarding some horrible things Lea was subjected to and how it influenced him psychologically. He lost a critical part of his consciousness – including the ability to feel emotions such as guilt and to think ahead and fully consider the consequences of actions when he is already impulsive – since he was a child, before he had fully matured, and had that part of him stunted through a decade of gaslighting and conditioning. Even when he started to grow a heart and develop bonds with Roxas and Xion, he’s going to struggle to process and control those emotions. It doesn’t excuse the things he did, but it does explain a lot about why he is the way he is, and it shouldn’t be forgotten when addressing this subject.  

There are a fair share of crimes he committed in Castle Oblivion. He murdered Vexen to get close to Marluxia and Larxene, betrayed them and led them to their own deaths (and possibly did the same with Lexaeus as well), and then got the Riku Replica to kill Zexion presumably for what he could have suspected about his and Saïx’s plans. These all have logical reasons behind them, including self-preservation, but there is no justification for enjoying all of this as much as he clearly did. And he hasn’t yet apologised for any it. Marluxia and Larxene are understandable as enemies, Vexen is also shaky since he contributed to Axel’s imprisonment in the Organisation, but Zexion was innocent from what we can tell, and Even and Ienzo are absolutely owed an apology before they can be on good terms.  

While it is understandable that losing Roxas was very painful and his situation as a Nobody would exacerbate his impulsiveness, this is absolutely not a justification for his plan to get Roxas back. It was a plan that deeply hurt a lot of people. Not only did it involve kidnapping Kairi and luring Sora so he could condemn the kid to half an existence for the rest of his life, it also involved betraying Riku’s trust after he let Axel leave with Namine in good faith, and threatened the lives of all the remaining Organisation members. He has apologised to both Sora and Kairi multiple times, tried to save Kairi himself in the manga and saved Sora while giving him passage to the World that Never Was, which is far from nothing. However, the rest of the damage goes unacknowledged. In fact, Axel’s sacrifice makes things even worse for someone else who was hurt by this, so it doesn’t really clear him of all the harm it did.

The situation with Roxas and Xion was a very difficult one, and none of the options were good. If he told them the truth, Roxas and Xion might have reacted impulsively out of fear and get caught in the very schemes Axel wanted to protect them from, both in the Organisation and from Diz and Riku’s attempts to awaken Sora. If he lied to them, and especially if they found out, this would run the risk of ruining their friendship and driving them away, which could also get them trapped in one of those plots. Since the Organisation was the side not immediately intending to sacrifice them, Axel mostly chose to keep them close to him – the only person who remotely cared about their safety – and within the relative safety of the Organisation, and ended up lying to them, manipulating them, gaslighting them and even using force to achieve this. It is understandable that he would eventually get very clingy, however it gets way out of hand and becomes an unhealthy attachment that motivates him to hurt a lot of people both inside and outside the friendship group. The lesser of two evils is still an evil, he still hurt them to keep them with him, even if it came from originally good intentions to protect them. The famous quote he says to Xion, “I’ll always be there to bring you back”, was not a promise to always be there for his friends, as was later recontextualised. In this context, it was a selfish, possessive threat that completely disregarded Xion’s own feelings and desires, and it was not okay. It isn’t cute or endearing seeing a grown man be this obsessed with keeping a couple of vulnerable children with him. Axel shows clear signs of guilt for lying to them, but has yet to even apologise to them, he just has a sweet reunion with them as though their relationship was completely wholesome, harmless and innocent and Roxas and Xion have no reason to take issue with him.

And finally, there is Saïx. These two childhood friends got roped into an abusive cult with only each other for external support and plotted their escape and to find their missing friend. Saïx spends the next ten years constantly risking his own neck to protect Axel, geting close to Xemnas to find answers, getting groomed by him and eventually getting possessed, and like what so many abusers do to their victims, Xemnas emotionally isolated Saïx to have power over him. And Axel just…lets it happen. Ditches him and replaces him the second he had newer shinier friendships. Finds some happiness and grows a heart with others while leaving Saïx alone, empty and broken. Right to his face. And then he went rogue, and in the process endangered both their lives and destroyed everything Saïx had worked an entire decade for– plans and goals they were both supposed to care about – after watching Saïx sacrifice everything for it, and it completely spits in the face of everything Saïx did to protect him and Subject X. Axel sends a known Nobody killer to the Castle that Never Was armed with the knowledge that Saïx had his girlfriend without doing anything to deescalate the inevitable fight to the death, resulting not only in Saïx’s destruction but the destruction of the Nobodies of all the remaining apprentices who could have known what happened to Subject X. At a time when it wasn’t known that a Nobody’s destruction would result in recompletion rather than death. All to protect what was left of Roxas and while saying Roxas (and Xion) was the only one he liked, felt for and cared about.

Is there a defence? Well … Axel may be impulsive and not great at thinking things through or looking ahead, but he had to have known what he was doing here. He was fully aware of Saïx’s plans and what he had sacrificed, that going rogue would endanger both of them since Roxas put him in that situation previously, and how far Sora would go to protect Kairi when he exploited that very thing for his own selfish goals. Now, I can also understand needing to cut out a toxic friend (though that isn’t quite what happened here), that it’s unfair to expect him to realise that Saïx was specifically being possessed, and that Axel was struggling to deal with the pain and emotional unavailability from seeing his childhood friend being warped into a cold stranger, but these things don’t make it right to hurt Saïx so badly no matter how cruel Saïx was. Something was still very clearly wrong and Saïx has every reason to be angry at Axel for turning his back on him first when he needed him most. This is what is meant by there not being an excuse. There is literally no reason he would do those things if he actually valued Saïx’s safety at all. His actions in Days and 2 simply cannot be reconciled with the idea that he actually cared about Saïx or Subject X, and it’s very hypocritical of him to say he will always be there for his friends and that he cared about Saïx and Subject X all along after all that has happened. (I’m also aware that 2 came out first and Lea’s friendship with Isa may not have even been thought of back then, and the Subject X plot absolutely wasn’t, making this a retcon and a writing error, which could explain why Axel behaves like he has no further ties to the Organisation in 2 but it still reflects badly on Axel in hindsight).

Their reconciliation is a bit of a mixed bag. On the one hand, there are two main problems. Firstly, Lea is only ever shown thinking about Isa when he is present or relevant to the plot. The only scenes that show Lea cares for Isa are the two they share at the end of 3, there isn’t enough context in the DDD scenes themselves to prove it. Lea has moments of guilt and grief for Roxas, Xion (even when he shouldn’t remember her) and even Ven, but not a single tear or ice cream (yes, I noticed there was some Roxas favouritism here and that there were only three ice creams, someone is getting left out) shown for the friend he has the most history with and is in the most obvious danger. That’s not to say he hasn’t off screen, but it would have greatly helped to show it, especially since the circumstances behind the deterioration of their friendship hasn’t changed and Isa doesn’t really have any reason to believe Lea still cares for him. Secondly, a lot of context is presented differently to what happened. Saïx is presented as being misguided for being with the Organisation with the lines “wise up already and just quit” and “you let them reduce you to this?” when it was absolutely not a willing choice and he cannot simply leave, though Saïx may have deliberately given that impression to hide his true intentions (for comparison, Sora and Aqua beg/demand the return of their possessed friends as soon as they find out), and also misguided for believing Axel would abandon him when he obviously wasn’t. I know the term “forget” is quite vague and true when taken literally, but that’s the impression given with a more metaphorical context. I do, however, appreciate Lea trying to reassure Saïx in his dying moments in what is still a very emotionally charged scene, and Lea owes him one hell of an apology and a lot of reciprocation to start making up for it and earning back Isa's trust.

All in all, it’s very messy, and I place his arc right at the bottom as the most poorly written. Axel has murdered, kidnapped and manipulated people, played favourites with his friends and betrayed everyone who ever trusted him to the point where even Roxas and Isa had very good reasons to doubt him. Yet once he is recompleted as Lea a lot of these wrongs are just forgotten about or whitewashed with him becoming a keyblade wielding hero while doing very little to make up for it. A redemption without the redemption or the arc.

The sad thing is that everything needed to make this work was right there. Giving him a keyblade might be fanservice, but it could have been an excellent way to make him do some heart searching and discover where his duties and passions really lie, and his keyblade could have symbolised his growth as a character and his resolve to bring back the friends he hurt, pushed away and almost lost. Unfortunately, KH3 didn’t really use that potential, and Lea didn’t really contribute much to the war effort in the end besides becoming the butt of a couple of jokes, some fourth wall breaking, and getting a humiliating beatdown from Xemnas, and with how KH3 wrapped everything up to turn to a new chapter, I’m not sure any of this will get touched on ever again.

[snowflake-of-destruction]

A long one this time since I’m “cheating” again and posting a selection from a random old draft so I’m not empty handed.

The spray of hot water from the showerhead seemed like a blessing from a god who’d been listening to the appeals Hayner had made over hours of practice in the overcast and heavily damp--but not raining, naturally, since Roxas had promised to call struggle practice if it rained outright instead of misting on and off. Hayner adored his friend and could think no wrong of him usually, but he was beginning to develop the paranoid delusion the help of several hidden, trained water spirit monsters had been enlisted to soak up the water in the clouds and keep the rain at bay, since he knew from the pictures Olette had sent him that it had been storming heavily on the other side of town all afternoon. 

Roxas kept saying he couldn't control all the weird monsters that still periodically appeared in Twilight Town, but those white zipper mouthed haunted onesies sure seemed to answer to him, and that Vanitas guy who'd dropped by last tournament had conjured three demon bunnies that he ordered around like servants, so it sure seemed like monster training was part of the whole "keybearer" deal. Roxas had explained the different between Heartless, Nobodies, Unversed and the special situations in the latter groups--Vanitas's relationship with the Unversed and the lesser Nobodies attuned to different masters that had once been more powerful Nobodies-- but it all seemed like semantics, excuses, and gibberish. To be fair, Hayner had a hard time paying attention when it had been explained because Roxas had ripped off his shirt after practice, and was standing with his Twilight Town University Tanukis struggle jersey slung around his neck, hair matted in ways that shouldn't have been attractive but were, and arms crossed behind his head, making it difficult to focus on anything but the muscles in his arms, the progress of a bead of sweat rolling slowly down his chest, or the flex of his stomach as he spoke, especially when the warm sound of his voice was so much more interesting than words. 

If it had been strategies for their first match of the upcoming season which included a face-off for Hayner against Dawn State's champion struggler, Edward "Edge" Geraldine, he could have retained it. That was important. The ins and outs of what legions of mutants could be trained and by whom? Unless Roxas was going to tell Hayner how he could master his own mutant army, or at least cop to being chief mutant wrangler himself, it was not nearly as interesting as wondering how likely he was to be able to pass it off as testing Roxas's reflexes or just seeing what what the look on his face would be if he kissed him right then in the middle of the struggle lot. Not that he would actually do it. He respected boundaries.

Hayner knew it was pathetic to still be crushing on his best friend when Roxas had been dating the same guy for “longer than he’s been alive” as Kairi had put it (however that worked). Axel had been a constant right from the start, already wrapped around Roxas--literally, hugging him from behind, arms wrapped loosely around him and chin resting on the top of Roxas's head while he wore a rather superior look that already knew Hayner wanted what he had and that reveled in rubbing it in, or so Hayner read into it at the time--when Hayner first awkwardly, unnecessarily introduced himself to him, handed him the picture of them from the fake Twilight Town Sora had given him that he was reluctant to pass on as much as he thought Roxas should have it, and told him, "I feel like I've known you my entire life." 

Hayner tended to write Axel out of that memory though, except when he was feeling especially masochistic, and only remember Roxas smiling so wide it crinkled the corners of his eyes and his voice warbling with emotion he'd rarely show easily in such force in times after, at least not directed toward Hayner, as he replied, "Please, can we pretend you have? I don't think my heart could stand it if we ever had to be strangers."

The friendship had continued like it had started. Roxas and Hayner were connected by invisible ties, instantly in sync, inside jokes about things that never actually happened already understood and able to finish each other's sentences. They challenged each other both to be better and, in other ways, so much worse than they were separately (The incident where they switched out the scheduled movie for the outdoor theater by Tram Common with a home video of various Twilight Town denizens not aware they were being filmed sprang to mind, as did the incident with Seifer and the feathers). 

Even so, it was always Axel who had Roxas's greatest devotion, and he'd go spiraling back to the redhead like they were magnetized, even when they fought, even the year Axel took off with his ex-boyfriend ("His best friend! Isa's just his friend like you're mine!" Hayner remembered Roxas's protestations well, and the shadow of doubt and pain in his eyes that Hayner had cursed himself for not being quite selfish enough to encourage. "And they're not on vacation. They're on a mission. They're looking for someone. Axel invited me to go. I was the one who said I wanted to stay here") and they only kept in contact by gummi phone. Roxas loved Axel more than his own life; he said as much, often and with vehement determination like he expected arguments.

It wasn't that Hayner didn't want to argue, but the injustice of Roxas being skateboard in the sky, face scraping the pavement in love with Got It Memorized the Former Kidnapper instead of him was matched by the fact that Axel wasn't a jerk, a cheater, or any of the other things Hayner had tried to paint him as in his mind in the beginning. Axel was constantly mocking him, that Hayner had been right about, but, other than that, he was, as much as Hayner wished it weren't so, a pretty cool guy, funny as hell, always had your back in a fight, and loved Roxas to the point of stupidity--and Hayner was forced to respect it...mostly.

Hayner tried to tell himself that he and Roxas were too similar in all the ways that would make them get on each other's nerves (too much to prove always, too impulsive, too quick to lose their cool, too used and turning everything into competition and too committed to always being the winner) and too different in ones that would leave them working up hill when it came to trying to carve out any long-term plans as well as soon scrambling for things to talk about other than taste in bands, boards, struggle, or what a dick Seifer could be--and even those sometimes failing after Roxas had shifted to offworld music rather than local, solar boards over skateboards, and had seen a "entirely different Seifer" during his brief relationship with Xion. Even knowing each other well enough to predict each other's thoughts was a curse when you thought about how hard it would make necessary white lies or trying to end a fight when you weren't yet completely sorry, particularly considering that, when Hayner reflected on it, he found he didn't regret any mean comment he had made in his entire life. 

Hayner also tried the tactic of reasoning with himself that he loved Roxas, but wasn't even really in love with him, or even consistently in lust as Roxas could ruin any effect he had with a single flash of self awareness, the kind that tended to solidify to outright conceit and smugness (gods Roxas could preen when he remembered he was pretty) that left a bitter edge in Hayner long after it faded. Even with all these tactics though, and every bit of good advice he could tell himself, Hayner couldn't shake that feeling he'd had since he first laid eyes on Roxas in the alternate Twilight Town's group photo outside the Old Mansion. He knew in his bones he was born to love that face as surely as if soulmate imprints had stepped out of science fiction and become real alongside the magic and aliens that had come to populate Twilight Town.

Hot water made everything seem better and brighter, loosening tight muscles and sweating out every problem until it existed no more. The memory of the fall he'd taken during practice, particularly brutal to his pride if not physically devastating, when he'd spun at a bad angle that made his left knee buckle, the ankle underneath it scream, and threw off his center of gravity swirled down the drain with dirt and grit picked up from the struggle lot pavement. Soon after it went the mud Roxas had smushed through his hair when he'd ruffled it after practice, laughing and ducking away as Hayner swung at him with the bat still in his hands and managing somehow to carry on laughing harder even while wincing in pain when the bat connected with a crack. A large purple splotched bruise had already been forming by the time Roxas left the locker room after the post-scrimmage strategy talk,  still covered in a layer of half dried sweat and with his hair sticking up more than usual on one side (Roxas didn't shower on campus after practice. Hayner only made the mistake of asking about it once. Roxas showered at home. Hayner had been informed of this with a wink form Roxas and a cheerfully lewd remark about how Axel liked him dirty). Hayner was sure he'd feel guilty when he saw the bruise in full form next time he saw Roxas, but, in the moment, Hayner had thought Roxas deserved it--and even more once he started questioning where Roxas had gotten mud in the first place and what implications it had for the theory Roxas was controlling weather. 

Lathering shampoo through his now mud-free hair and scrubbing harder at his scalp than necessary to also banish continued thoughts of his blond best friend, Hayner found himself startling and nearly slipping on the slick tile of the shower floor when he heard none other than the voice he was trying to banish calling out tentatively, "Hey! Hey? Sorry for bursting in on you."

 Hayner recovered, head snapping from side to side comically as if he'd find Roxas lurking in the corner of the stall when he should have known from the distance of the voice that Roxas was likely  on the other side of the locker room with the actual lockers and benches. If that was the case though, why was Roxas apologizing for bursting in? 

Hayner was still puzzling through it when Roxas continued shouting to him, this time something with a lot higher stakes in possible meaning. "Axel's already left for Wonderland and I thought you might still be here." 

Hayner let out a strangled noise of confusion that would have been him playing it cool and asking what he could help Roxas out with if his voice hadn't betrayed him. Shampoo dripped into his eye and it took him a second to even register the burn.

"I'll just sit out here and wait for you I guess, if you don't mind?" 

Hayner was concerned he had actually slipped in the shower and hit his head and was now suffering from a dying dream or concussion. 

"You're awfully quiet." The trepidation was back in Roxas's voice, and it caused an answering sympathetic flutter of nerves to tingle down Hayner's body and rest low. "I'm not talking to a stranger, am I? Or a ghost who turned on a faucet? That would be embarrassing."

"I'm here," Hayner found his voice but it refused to cooperate beyond those two words. His body was slightly more tractable, agreeing with his brain that he needed to wash the shampoo out of his hair and attend to washing the rest of him as swiftly as possible and not keep Probably A Dream Roxas waiting. He turned the water temperature up even higher. Maybe if he boiled himself until his flesh melted he might find a backbone under his skin and actually be able to carry on a conversation (and be able to follow through with whatever Dream Roxas was proposing so he wouldn't be left with a regret that would follow him until he died). 

“Do you have a cold? Your voice sounds a little weird.” 

“Weird how?” He squeaked and then overcompensated like a sitcom character, rumbling, “Weird how?” in a gravelly tone as he turned off the water and reached for his towel.

“Less like listening to a recording of my own voice,” the wry and completely nonsensical in Hayner’s opinion, reply came, Roxas’s voice quieter but a lot closer.

“I never thought we sounded alike.” Hayner finger combed his hair and wrapped the towel securely around his waist before performing a mental countdown to pysch himself up before stepping out of the stall to meet what turned out to be a complete stranger. Hair too long and a shade too light to be Roxas’s falling over the collar of a pale blue and  sunflower print kimono jacket Roxas wouldn’t be caught dead in. The absence of a tan and the addition of freckles were further confirmation of an eerie but imperfect doppleganger, but the dumbfounded look with lack of recognition in the eyes was the real cincer.

“You’re not Roxas!” Two voices chorused in near unison.

[miss-tc-nova]

Before You Go - Roxas x Fem!Reader

So...I’m not done with FF7r yet, but I recently watched the Masked Singer and the Turtle’s finale song really got me thinking so...Tada!

~~~~~

                “Wait! Please!” I beg, reaching for his jacket.

                He turns on me. “Would you just get out of here?!” My hand recoils as if he’d struck me.

                His name barely falls from my lips. “Roxas…”

                “No! Whatever it is you have to say, I don’t want to hear it!” My heart breaks at the sight of tears in his eyes. “You think you can just spout some of your stupid motivational words and everything will be fixed! But you can’t! Whatever you have to say it’s just a lie! I’m not important or special; I’m not even my own person!”

                “That’s not true!” My knees feel weak but I just have to keep myself together, for him.

                “I AM LITERALLY A NOBODY!” he screams. He’s always been a somewhat volatile person, quick to anger, fighting against what he’s told, greedy in his emotions—loving without knowing limits. But this mix of rage and remorse has consumed him. “I’m the shell of another person! Someone without a heart! I’m not supposed to exist! So you’ve just been wasting your time with me!”

                “No!”

                “Yes!” He grips at handfuls of his hair. “And what does that say about you?! Loving the broken and hopeless?! Is that how you make yourself feel better about how pathetic your life is?!” The words are caught in my throat, the desperate argument I want to yell at him. “How can you stand it?! How can you sit there and pretend like nothing is wrong?! What deranged magic do you use to ignore it all?! Or are you just so gullible and naïve that you think that everything is actually okay?! How can you be that stupid?!”

                I grit my teeth, reminding myself that he’s just worked up; still, my hand grips at the fabric over my aching heart. It’s all I can do!

                “Well I’m not like that! Nothing is okay and it’s never going to be! People like me don’t get to be happy! And I’m sick of you trying to pretend that’s not true!”

                My voice fails, breath coming out in muted sobs.

                “I’m not doing this anymore,” he mutters darkly. No matter what he says, there’s sorrow and pain behind it all. I don’t know who this hurts more, me or him, but I’m afraid of what will happen if he leaves now.

                His mouth opens but closes again as he changes his mind. Instead, Roxas leaves it there and turns towards the black portal, leaving me behind in a complete mess.

                The grief becomes too much to bear. My knees meet the cold ground while uncontrolled sobs pour from my mouth. It doesn’t take long before a coughing fit overwhelms me, shredding my throat and spurring the pain in my chest. Flecks of crimson mottle the ground among the already fallen tears. This isn’t how I wanted to leave things, but I’ll never get the chance to fix it and that’s what hurts the most.

                I’m sorry.  

~~~~~ 

Roxas POV

                When the doors to the gummi ship open, I give a hasty goodbye to Riku and bolt off towards the town. Nothing’s changed, it’s just as I remember. Even if most of what I remember was of a replica, she wasn’t. She had been real, someone I had met before I had been taken, before I gave up on existing.

                I can hear my friends calling after me but I don’t stop; that is until I slam into someone hard enough to throw us both to the ground.

                “Ow…Sorry,” I grumble, rubbing my head.

                “Yeah, you-Roxas?!”

                My gaze snaps to the boy, meeting his brown eyes with the same shock. I’ve seen him before, but only in the fake world. “Hayner?!”

                “Roxas?!”

                “No way! Roxas!”

                Two others join us and I feel this strange mix of relief and confusion swelling in my chest. “Pence? Olette?”

                Pence takes my arm and hoists me to my feet. “You’re alright!”

                I’m afraid to ask, afraid to break whatever illusion of fate that gave me this moment of rightness. But I can’t help it. “You know who I am?”

                “Of course,” Olette says with the same smile. “We’re friends.” Her words strike my heart and I could just cry.

                Hayner clears some things up. “Maybe not the friends you knew in your Twilight Town, but friends are friends, right?”

                There we go; they know about me and they’re not the fake friends I had made. Still, they want to be friends and maybe I can do that.

                “Roxas!” Lea and Xion catch up. Lea scolds, “You can’t just run off like that.”

                “Are you okay?” Xion asks.

                Olette offers a hand to Xion. “Are you Roxas’s friends? I’m Olette.”

                Amidst the meeting of old and new friends, I suddenly remember my original mission. “Wait!” I grab Pence. “I’m looking for someone! Like this tall! Goes by the name _____!” I quickly give a rundown of what she looks like while trying not to shake the answers from him.

                “Wait, are you talking about the Lady of Sunset Hill?” Olette interjects.

                “Huh?”

                “Oh yeah.” Hayner folds his arms. “That girl who was at Sunset Hill all the time.”

                Olette goes on, “They say she was there waiting for her true love to return. Everyone saw her there but she was just some strange girl; it’s not like it really mattered to anyone. Until she disappeared.”

                “Disappeared?” I whisper. Inside, it feels like my heart is afraid to beat, like another moment forward will drag me closer to whatever bad news they’re harboring.

                Pence pries my hands from his shirt. “One day she just disappeared, leaving a note where she used to stand.”

                I take off a second time. I’m terrified. After everything I said, there’s no way she can be gone. She can’t be; I have to talk to her again. I know that note is for me, that I’m the person she was waiting for, despite how dreadful I’d been to her; so there has to be something in that note to tell me where she’s at. She has to be okay—I don’t know what I’ll do if she’s not.

                My throat is threatening to close up, agitating my anxiety but I don’t stop until I get to Sunset Hill. I’m immediately blinded by the sun peeking over the edge of the horizon, but I can just make out the shape of the girl. Filled with relief, I rush forward.

                And then I stop. It’s not a girl standing there, but a statue. At first glance, it could easily be mistaken as a being built in her image, but I can tell that the sculptor didn’t know her. They failed to mimic the lines of her gentle hands or the true softness of her face. The length of her hair isn’t quite right and they even omitted the scar across her arm. What they did capture is an intense emotion of heartache, and I’m sure that even that can’t compare to what it really was.

                The statue blurs and I have to drag my sleeve across my face to clear it up. Beside the statue, is a plaque with the words “The Lady of Sunset Hill” engraved across the top. Below the description is a piece of paper, pressed flat and displayed beneath a plate of glass.

 ~~~

                You were right.

                Nothing was okay. Life can be so cruel and so often it can feel like there’s nothing left for us to hold onto. I had no one, I was never going to make my dreams come true, there was no future ahead of me, my body was failing. My life was miserable and I hated every moment of it. Until I met you.

                I don’t know why. You were awkward and short-tempered, but we got along anyway. There were times I wondered how we even came to be lovers, but you made me feel like nothing else mattered than my time with you. And that’s why I never wanted you to see the dark side of me.

                So no, I was never okay. And maybe I was fool for pretending I was. But I don’t regret it. None of it. Because what was pretend became real with you. I’d never been happier than those moments I shared with you; all the times I got to see your smile, the way your eyes lit up, the smirk of your confidence, or even that adorable blush. You can argue all you want, but you really existed. You were somebody no matter what anyone else said. You had a heart because you showed it to me.

                I hope you found your answers. I hope that you came to accept yourself just as I did. I hope you’re happy.

                I’m going to miss the stupid jokes over ice cream and the comfortable silences watching the sunset. I’m going to miss you. I love you.

                Sorry.

~~~ 

                Some of the words have been distorted and faded by what I can only assume are tear stains, but her message comes through all the same: she’s gone.

                Knees in the dirt, I swallow the wail threatening to break out. The grief is overwhelming; beating my fists against the ground alleviates nothing but I don’t know what else I can do.

                “Roxas!”

                “Hey man, are you okay?”

                My jaw clenches, trying to hold myself together beneath my friends’ hands. If I open my mouth, everything will come out.

                “Is this her?” Xion asks softly. “She was so pretty.”

                Olette tells a story I didn’t want to hear. “A couple months ago, some people found her here unconscious. They rushed her away but it was too late.” A tremor ripples through me. “The sculptor was one of those people and picked up the letter she dropped. He was so touched by her love and sorrow he built for her.”

                It’s Lea who finally understands. “Oh no…She was the girl…She was the one you…”

                And that’s where I fall apart. I’m no stranger to self-loathing and I’ve had my fair share of misery, but never to this extreme. She’s gone and I’m never going to see her again. She’s gone and the last thing I did was yell at her. I said all those disgraceful things and berated her when she was just trying her best for me. I treated her so terribly because I was in denial while she was pushing aside her own problems for me. I shoved her down in anger while she was fighting a losing battle. Sure, my problem was traumatic too, but I’m still standing—she’s not.

                I’m never going to hear her laugh again or see that smile that made my insides feel like mush. I’m never going feel her warm hand in mine again. Her fingers will never play with my hair again and we won’t waste time staring at the sunset anymore. We can’t take any more ridiculous photos that make us smile until our cheeks hurt. She won’t be there to comfort me or cheer me on. I’ll never get to kiss her again, to feel her soft lips that always made me crave more. There are so many things I wanted to tell her but now I can’t. I’ll never get a chance to tell her I’m sorry, that I take back everything I said and beg for her forgiveness.

                And I’ll never get the chance to tell her I love her.

                If only I had known you had a storm to weather. 

[disneydreamlights]

Training Days

FFN | AO3

Summary: "Oh, and by "us," I mean me and Lea. He's really sorry for all the trouble he caused. I told him it's fine, but he won't stop apologizing. I'll admit that I was a little scared of him at first, but I've gotten to know him better. All he wanted was to help his friend. Honestly, it's hard not to like him."

A peek into Kairi's and Lea's days of learning how to use the Keyblade. Written for Step Forward: A Kairi Fanzine

A/N: I would very much like to thank @kairizine​ for letting me work on this project. You guys are absolutely amazing and I couldn’t say how much I enjoyed being a part of this zine. For all my followers who haven’t had a chance to pick up this lovely zine, a second round of pre-orders is dropping on July 5th, so you guys should check that out for sure! Also tumblr fucked my formatting press f to pay respects.

It had been two weeks since Kairi started training with Axel. Or at least, it felt like it had been two weeks. Merlin said that the world they were training in existed outside of time, so it probably wasn’t that long to everybody else. But for her at least, it was valuable time. Time where she could learn how to use her Keyblade properly, and to finally get her chance to fight.

She also had time to interact with the man who had—at one point—kidnapped her. That was something she was still coming to terms with. Axel saved Sora and apologized for what he’d done to her, but it still didn’t make it any easier to be training with him.

“Yo, Kairi.” Speaking of Axel, the redhead showed up once more, looking almost uncomfortable with the idea of having to pull her from her thoughts. If there was some reassurance to all this, at least Axel was just as bad with handling talking to his former victim as she was talking to her kidnapper. “Thought you could use some company. Merlin said you’d just finished learning about how to use Fire, and as the resident fire elemental, I call myself an expert in the subject.” If it weren’t for the fact that his hand was running through his hair, a sign of nerves, Kairi would’ve been sure his discomfort was perceived on her end given the way he didn’t seem bothered.

“I’m fine, Axel, I don’t need teaching from a ‘fire expert’”—she raised fingers, making air quotations at Axel to show she didn’t really buy it—“to learn how to use a Fire spell. Merlin has it all covered.”

“Right.” She noticed the way Axel slightly deflated at her refusal to train with him. When he spoke, his voice sounded more hollow. “Hey, Kairi, just so you know, I really am sorry. About kidnapping you, and all that. I know I’ve said it before but I wanted to say it again.” He left, and Kairi couldn’t help the unpleasant feeling that arose in her heart.

-x-

Another few weeks of training passed, Merlin said it hadn’t even been a day in the real world. Which was fair, it meant Sora and Riku wouldn’t be missing her too long, at least. And it meant another month around Axel, training. She was slowly feeling competent: Merlin had decided that it was time to start training her in using her light as a weapon. It was a sign of progress towards becoming a Keyblade Master.

What was odd was that when she stumbled upon the normally energetic pyromaniac this time, Axel seemed to be a little less upbeat than normal. He’d continued his stream of apologies, expressing how much he regretted what he’d done, but Kairi doubted that’s what had him down. Deciding it was finally time to return his interest in getting to know her, she sat down next to him. “What’s on your mind?”

Axel jumped, having not noticed her approach. “It’s nothing,” he waved her off.

Kairi frowned, looking at Axel skeptically. He raised his hands in defense of her stare. “Okay, so maybe it is something, but it’s not really something you need to worry about. Just that I can’t shake the feeling…” He shook his head, almost as though he couldn’t believe what he was saying.

“Feeling?” Kairi asked. She didn’t really expect him to give him an answer, but she wanted to know. It was obviously something a lot more important than he was letting on. When he didn’t answer after another moment, she smiled. “I didn’t know you had any of those.”

“Ha ha.” Axel gave a sarcastic laugh, but also a small smile at Kairi, grateful for the joke. “Hey, y’know I’m not a Nobody anymore. I can feel, just as much as you can!” It seemed he wasn’t willing to confront what was going on, and she couldn’t blame him for that. It wasn’t like she’d given him any reason to believe she trusted or wanted to help him.

And to be fair, she wasn’t sure that she did trust him. She may not have been mad over it right now, but despite his regret  Axel had still kidnapped her. It seemed like a good idea to not press for now. “Sure you can, just like you couldn’t when you were a Nobody.”

“I couldn’t!”

Kairi laughed at his protest. “You don’t kidnap somebody to see your best friend again if you don’t care about them a little.”

Axel sat there for a moment. “Right, sometimes I forget that even if I couldn’t feel guilt over what I was doing to you, I still felt something.” Maybe it was his way of justifying it: he couldn’t feel. He couldn’t feel bad over what he had done because he couldn’t feel. But he seemed to be feeling the regret of that now. “I know you’re probably tired of hearing it, but I’m sorry, about all of that.”

For the first time, she acknowledged his apology. “I know.”

-x-

Two months of rigorous training. Two months of her only company being Merlin and Axel. Although they still weren’t close friends, things had started getting easier between her and Axel. Kairi found herself talking to him more since she’d found him that day, or at least she was more willing to talk to him. For one, she almost believed his apologies in that he truly did regret his actions.

This time as Axel approached Kairi, he seemed slightly more at ease. “Hey, how’s training been going so far?”

“Hey Axel,” Kairi smiled. She couldn’t believe that she was at least appreciating Axel’s presence for once. “I’m pretty sure soon I’ll be ready to take you down. What about you, think you can take me on?”

“Nah, not like I have years of experience on you. Anyways I wanted to see if you were up for a bit of a break.” He reached into his pocket, pulling out two light blue bars of ice cream. Kairi couldn’t help the way that her eyes lit up as soon as she saw them. “Whenever we finished a mission, Roxas and I would go to the clocktower back in Twilight Town and share these.”

Kairi grabbed the ice cream bar, taking a small bite and wincing as the cold hit her teeth. “I like that tradition.”

“I figured we could resume it, now that we’re training together.” Axel grinned, seemingly relieved that she was willing to enjoy it. “Or at least that’s what Merlin said, starting tomorrow we’ll be training together.”

“I’ll look forward to it. Don’t think I’ll go easy on you either.” Of course, that revelation couldn’t help but make her a little nervous. But Merlin wouldn’t have her fight Axel if he didn’t think she could hold her own against him.

“Wouldn’t dream of anything less.” It seemed Axel was at least willing to go along with it. “Hey, Kairi, I just want you to know-”

“You’re sorry, I know.” Kairi smiled, leaving Axel looking at her in surprise.

“I’ve said it that many times now?”

“I think I got it memorized.”

-x-

After yet another loss to Axel, Kairi and her sparring partner decided to enjoy a treat. There were still quite a few losses in their practice fights, but she did have a couple wins to her name, and that was progress enough for them to be celebrating. He reached into the cooler, handing her an ice cream bar as they sat on the cliffside watching the sunset. Axel told some stories from the Organization to keep her entertained.

“So I mentioned how I got sent on solo missions all the time for the Organization, stuff that needed to be kept...under the radar.” He seemed hesitant to fully explain what that meant, which made Kairi all the more curious about what he was trying to explain. “See, a lot of those had me going to Castle Oblivion—terrible place by the way, more boring to look at than The Castle that Never Was and impossible to navigate, anyways—I was chasing down some chamber for our boss. Not sure what was in it, but what I do know is the Castle did not want us finding it. So this one time I was–”

“Castle Oblivion...” Kairi frowned, causing Axel to pause in his account. Sora had never mentioned the castle in his stories, and Riku had only mentioned it a couple of times in passing, yet the name brought with it a feeling of dread… “That means you know Naminé?”

Axel nodded. “That’s right. I was one of the people who was guarding her while she messed with Sora’s memories.” Before Kairi could say anything more, Axel raised his hand, stopping her. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t one of the ones hurting her! I was actually the one that helped her.”

He...what? Kairi stared at him in confusion. “Right, Sora...probably wouldn’t have been able to tell you. I was the one who let Naminé go.”

Although she couldn’t communicate directly with the blonde to confirm Axel’s story, she felt Naminé faintly in her heart, confirming Axel’s story: “He did. If it weren’t for him, Sora might be lost forever to the Organization’s trap…”

“Really?”

“I think it was because he didn’t want the Organization to win. For my freedom, I owe him, almost as much as I do Sora…”

“Hello, Kairi! You in there?” Axel waved his hand in front of Kairi, pulling her attention away from Naminé’s presence, which had once more gone dormant in her heart.

Kairi smiled. “Just getting a message to pass on. Naminé says thank you.”

Axel looked at her, and his eyebrows slightly raised in surprise. She wasn’t sure if he hadn’t expected Naminé’s thanks, for the two of them to have any form of communication, or for Kairi to pass on the message.“She did? I don’t suppose she left a message for you to accept my apology this time, did she?”

Kairi paused for a moment, as though she were conversing with Naminé once more before smiling. “Nope, nothing on that one.”

Lea laughed at her answer, and it wasn’t long before Kairi found herself laughing too at his reaction.

She was still a long way to forgiving him for what he’d done, but maybe Lea wasn’t so bad.

-x-

It became a tradition to meet up after training to snack on some ice cream and talk about whatever thoughts crossed their minds. Most of the time, conversation flowed between Kairi and Lea easier than she would have ever suspected when their training had first begun, but right now the exchange seemed more one sided than ever. Lea appeared lost in thought, and Kairi’s attempts at getting him to talk about the various details of his life were earning no results.

Normally she would have been content to leave that where it was—Lea wouldn’t have confided in her anyways. But now she could tell there was something bothering him, and she didn’t feel right leaving it alone. “Lea, are you alright?”

“Huh?” He shook his head before giving a laugh, running his hand through his hair as though nervous. “I guess I’m just distracted. I was thinking about an old friend.” She stayed silent, and after a moment Lea continued. “You know Saïx–I’m serious, stop staring at me like I’ve grown a second head or something.”

After another quiet moment, she finally managed to find her voice: “What!?” Lea was friends with Saïx? How could Lea be have been friends with him of all people? Saïx kidnapped her!

...Just like Axel had.

The realization that she’d nearly forgotten that Lea had kidnapped her was sobering, but it did manage to put a damper on some of her surprise at least. “You and Saïx were friends?”

“I know, a big shocker now, but back when we were kids, Isa was my best friend.” Lea seemed quick to play if off. “We used to get into a lot of trouble back in the good old days. Most of it was my idea.” A low chuckle escaped him. It sounded bitter, like Lea still couldn’t believe just how much things changed. “We would sneak into Ansem’s castle so we could get a peak at his experiments, or just to cause some problems.”

“That doesn’t sound like Saïx.” Kairi pointed out. But it made sense. They had both lost their hearts, and the Lea in front of her felt as different from Axel as the Isa he was describing sounded from Saïx.

“Losing your heart changes you.” Lea’s answer was simple, but he had a point. Even if they had hearts, neither he nor Saïx learned that fact until it was already too late.

Kairi nodded. “That’s why you both drifted apart?”

“Part of it.” For once it looked like Lea was getting uncomfortable with the direction they were going in. Isa, it seemed, was a much more touchy subject than Kairi would’ve guessed. “He changed for sure, but there was also the way he treated them. Roxas and–”

“And?”

Lea didn’t respond. He wasn’t sure of who the “and” he was referring to was in the first place.

They ate their ice cream in silence, neither of them sure how to continue for a few minutes before Lea finally spoke. “You know, when I first saw you, you reminded me of somebody. I don’t know who just...somebody important.”

“Naminé, maybe?” It made the most sense, Naminé was her Nobody. Lea knew her. That had to be it. Except he shook his head.

“Nah, not her. I’d know if it was her I was thinking of. I just don’t remember. That’s why I was so quiet that day.” Kairi knew which one he was talking about. The one where they’d had their first real conversation.

The way Lea looked now reminded Kairi a lot of that day. She’d never seen him so muted before, and it was still an uncomfortable look for him now. “Don’t worry, Lea. Once we beat Xehanort, I’ll ask Naminé help you with your memories, and we’ll find whoever they are.” And she would, she didn’t turn her back on her friends so easily.

“Right, thanks.” Lea turned to her, still frowning in thought for a moment.

He grinned shortly after, though Kairi wasn’t sure if it was a realization about who he was forgetting or a joke until moments later when he said, “hey, have you ever thought of dying your hair black.”

“What?”

Lea raised his hands up in defense. “I just can’t shake the image of you with black hair it sounds right.”

“Lea, that’s not funny!”

“Sure it is!” He laughed, and she lightly smacked him for the joke. “Sorry, sorry, alright I’ll let it go...for now.”

“Lea!”

-x-

It didn’t take Kairi long to realize that their time in the training world was coming to a close. Her fighting was as flawless as one could get when kept out of the heat of a real battle, and Lea had stopped trying to throw his Keyblade every ten seconds. To her surprise, he had adjusted to close combat and swordplay remarkably well. Merlin had told Riku would be there with some new equipment in a few days. It all made it feel very real, and very final.

Which was why Lea and Kairi had returned to their cliffside hangout, trading stories and sharing idle conversation. Lea told stories of teaching Roxas about the worlds and his adventures in Radiant Garden, and in return Kairi told stories about her time on the islands. It was the best they could do to keep their mind off the battle that was looming ever closer.

“Sora was so surprised when I told him I couldn’t swim. He tried to teach me but his idea of teaching me meant having me just start flailing my arms in the water,” Kairi laughed as she remembered the story from a couple months after arriving on Destiny Islands. “If it wasn’t for Riku, he might’ve drowned me with how bad his instructions were.”

“You’d think Sora would know how to swim better than that since he lived there. Hard to believe he couldn’t even explain the motions he was making.”

“His heart was in the right place, at least.” Kairi smiled. It was a fond memory of her friends, one she would’ve liked to think on a little longer.

Lea laughed as well, and they fell into an easy silence as Kairi started searching her mind for the next ridiculous story of her adventures with her friends.

“Hey, Kairi.” Lea raised his hand hesitantly, almost as though he were regretting what he was about to say. “I just, ya know, in case everything goes wrong, I just wanted to say sorry again. You know for–”

“I know.” She cut him off before he could ramble further. She’d heard it more than enough times over the course of their time training together. “And I forgive you.”

[floriswrite]

Even stilled when Lauriam held a red rose out to him. "I thought you couldn't make these anymore."

"I cannot. I visited the World of an old friend and they were kind enough to let me take one." Lauriam explained.

Even slowly took the rose from him. "An old friend?"

"A World I saved long ago."

"Would you take me there some time?" Even questioned and brought the rose up to his face to smell it. It felt too real in his fingers.

"He's trying to get better about guests, so I should be able to manage that." Lauriam gave a small nod. "We should put it in water."

"He?" Even felt his stomach tighten. Had Lauriam given him someone else's token of affection? "I could freeze it."

"The prince of the World. Apparently Organization XIII tried to give him trouble years ago. From what Belle said it sounds like Dilan's Nobody was there." Lauriam stepped a little closer to him. "Save your magic, Even."

“Belle?” Even questioned and looked away. “/You/ told me to work on my magic, Lauriam.” 

“I do not believe they have gotten married by this point in time.” Lauriam explained and reached up a hand to place on Even’s cheek and draw his attention back to him. “A touch too honest of a memory, is all. It was an ill chosen gift.” 

“Right, the whole past future matter.” Even frowned down at Lauriam. “You want it back?” 

“Right.” Lauriam gave a small nod. “No. It is yours. But I should have thought it through better. My intention is to build foundation on who we are now. To give you a gift that is so thoroughly Marluxia was ill chosen.” Lauriam swallowed and withdrew his hand. “But I found I could not help myself.” 

Even grabbed his hand and held it awkwardly before him. “Once then. For old times sake.” 

“You’ve never been one to stop at once.” Lauriam whispered. “Perhaps I should take it back.” 

“Experiments need proper testing.” Even whispered back and leaned down. “No, you said it is mine. Perhaps we could use it as... closure.” 

“Closure?” Lauriam hummed. “We’d need to set it on fire afterwards.” 

“How did you die?” 

“Exhaustion, mostly. Desperation. Sora would have done such a lovely job if only his rage had been directed properly. But it does not matter now. Pieces are back where they are meant to be.” 

“It has been... odd, getting to actually know Riku.” 

“Seeing Ienzo socialize, you mean.” Lauriam laughed a little. 

“Yes.” Even sighed. “So. Fire.” 

“Full closure.” Lauriam nodded. “And then, we go on a date. Just us. No cloud of Vexen and Marluxia.” 

“Do you forgive yourself then?”

“Oh, never.” Lauriam shook his head a little. “But I don’t have to forgive myself to move on. So let’s set up our little experiment.” 

“Set up?” 

“Fire, Even, Fire. Unless you learned fire magic after Esuna?” 

“...Don’t make fun of your elders, Lauriam.” 

Lauriam hummed and turned away. “Only you.” And then he smirked over his shoulder. “Besides, I’ve technically existed longer than you.” 

“You’re terrible.” Even laughed. 

“You knew that already.” Lauriam laughed back. “Fire. I have no idea how to work your lab, Even. I am much more used to synthesis.” 

“Right. The Moogle like you.” Even walked past him. “I’ll teach you how to work a Bunsen Burner. Actual science.”

“There is plenty of science behind synthesis.” 

“There is more magic than science.” 

“One and the same at the core.” Lauriam held a finger up to silence Even’s next complaint. “Are you a scientist or a mage? You are both, Even.” 

Even heaved a sigh. “You are correct, but my original point still stands.” 

“Science. Yes. Show away.” 

Even lead Lauriam over to a table with said Bunsen Burner along with various flasks and test tubes. “Lauriam?” 

“Hmm?” 

“You truly want to forget?” 

“I never said forget. I want to move on. I want to feel like I am living my life. Not a shadow of Marluxia’s.” Lauriam sighed. “I recognize that the division between Vexen and Even was slim. That Vexen allowed you a moral slip that this life does not. But I am not Marluxia, and I refuse to act as if I am.” 

“Okay.” Even gave a small nod and finally coated the rose he held in ice. “A date?” 

“We can go wherever you like.” 

“Where- where would you have gone before?” 

Lauriam stared at him, eyes slightly wide. “Even you know my home world is destroyed.” 

“You can travel to other Worlds I-” Even heaved a sigh. “No. Of course you would want to stay in familiar territory. I’m sorry.” 

“Tact has never been one of your strong suits.” Lauriam gave him a small smile. “There’s a few Worlds I have not explored fully yet. I thought we could just walk around and find somewhere nice.” 

“That would be nice.” Even agreed. He set the rose to the side and turned the flame on. “Tell me about back then. Your thought process.” 

“Vexen had shown that he could not be loyal to me. Axel wanted to prove he could be. I was foolish enough to believe that Axel’s motives and mine would work together.” Lauriam explained softly. “I think about it frequently, Even. What would have happened if I had never told Axel the truth. That mission was not supposed to have causalities.” 

“You blame yourself and not Lea.” 

“The more I learn about Axel and Lea the more I understand he has always followed his heart. Axel’s loyalty, just like Vexen’s, was never Marluxia’s to hold.” Lauriam picked up the ice covered rose. “But more than anything else. I regret not doing it myself. Deep down I did not expect Axel to go through with it. I was not aware of how strong his conviction to Saix was, nor how much he wanted to see Roxas again.” 

“I forgave you.” Even stated. He had never truly cared about the politics. He had been mad with Marluxia because that castle should have been Vexen’s. But the more he heard about what happened after the more it sounded like a trap. Like they were sent to slaughter. 

“I know.” Lauriam sighed and held the icy petals over the open flame. “How did it feel? I remember the feel of death. That feel of unraveling. Of your emptiness finally being set free. Of your soul leaving.” 

“Dreadful.” Even whispered and watched as normal fire tried to melt magic ice. Their plan might have had a hole in it. But that might have been the point. They could never let go. “I remember the smell, mostly. I remember feeling betrayed. I remember Sora looking confused. And who could blame him?” Even placed a hand to his chest. “I remember being worried. And then Axel did have the Riku Replica kill Zexion...” 

“Vexen’s dying thoughts were Zexion?” 

“Even’s had been Ienzo.” Even’s voice was small. “In the end I should be thankful, but the scars make it challenging.” 

“Understandable.” Lauriam drew the flower away from the flame. “Perhaps we could put it in the freezer instead.” 

“Not working?” 

“Not in any capacity that is satisfying.” Lauriam turned the flower, a small bit of ice was gone, but the point was for their to be flames. 

Even turned the fire off. “Soak it in water and put it in the freezer it is. Do I only get that date after it is gone?” 

“It does sound like this experiment will need to be picked up tomorrow. But I think you still deserve a date today.” Lauriam hummed a little. “For talking.” 

“Good.” Even smiled and took the flower from him. “Tell me about the World you want to go to.” 

“It’s called San Fransokyo. It’s a very technologically based world. Tall buildings. Curious transit system. And apparently it’s own team of heros.” Lauriam leaned against the table while he watched Even. 

“I think some version of the Riku Replica went there. I tried to keep track of where the vessels got to.” Even waved a hand at him. “But at the same time did not truly care.” 

“Where do your loyalties lay these days?” 

“They’ve always been to Lord Ansem and Ienzo. /My/ king and prince.” Even dismissed his magic and turned the sink on. The rose only looked sad as he ran it under water. The freezer would only make it an awkward chunk of flower. Nothing of the intricate designs Vexen had practiced only to impress Marluxia. But that was for the best. 

“Right.” Lauriam looked away. “And me?” 

“What about you?” 

“Are you loyal to me, Even? Can I finally hold your loyalty?” 

Even looked at Lauriam’s fragile expression for only a second. “We’ll see after our date.” 

“Fair.” Lauriam let out a heavy breath. “My loyalty has never been to you, after all.” 

“No, you are only loyal to yourself.” 

“No, I once had many people I was loyal to. But times change. Marluxia’s loyalty was Larxene. I sent her to her death as well. You are far from the only death that is heavy on my heart, Even.” 

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Even questioned as he turned off the sink and walked the dripping red rose over to the freezer. He’d put a note on it later. Ienzo would ask. 

“No. Not at all.” Lauriam shook his head. “Only stating facts and reminders.” 

“A reminder to never forgive yourself.” 

“That is correct.” 

Even sighed and closed the freezer. “I understand.” He walked back over to Lauriam and placed his hands on the table behind him, pinning him in place. “I want dinner and dessert.”

“Of course, Even.” Lauriam gave him a small smile. “Anything you want.” 

“I want you to forgive yourself.” 

“Anything but that.” Lauriam turned his head away. 

“Then I want ice cream.” 

“That I can manage.”

[kessielrg]

[Kingdom Hearts] Write What You Know

Summary: In which Xion tries to find writing inspiration from around Twilight Town. [sequel-ish to I Won't (Let Her) Be Forgotten][oneshot][post KH3]

Rating: K+

Word Count: 2,605 words

If you like this story, please give it a reblog or donate to my ko-fi!

- - -

"Xion, these are great!"

Xion could face heat up as she started to blush. "You're just saying that." she told Olette, sounding just as embarrassed as she looked. But Olette adamantly shook her head.

"I'm serious." she assured her friend. "You have some serious talent for this stuff."

"She's not wrong," Roxas added in, "And it's great seeing you smile while you write too! When you get into this serious groove, it's like you're in this really weird trance- but when you come out, you've written down this awesome story!"

Well, if the blush on her face wasn't evident yet, it was now. Xion even had to look away from her first friend. Of anyone, Roxas was the most excited that Xion liked writing. He never really said why, but Xion had a good feeling on the reason; they had both started their life as Nobodies. Almost in every sense of the word, really. Xion finding that she liked and was good at writing was her first branch of becoming Somebody.

Almost four months ago, Xion decided to become a writer. Nothing special, of course, just as a little thing to do in her spare time. Today was the first day she was letting her friends read through what she had written so far. None of her little stories really connected to each other; at first, she was writing from experience, using an author avatar to mask that it was truly her. But then she started to experiment a bit more. Sometimes her avatar knew more than Xion did. Other times she had someone else in story teach her avatar something Xion knew quite a bit about.

A lot of the time, Xion felt embarrassed by her avatar. She was almost too idyllic. But a part of her really... enjoyed that perfect version. A world where no one was really hurt, or was lost, or forgotten. Especially not forgotten.

"You should absolutely look into joining the school paper." Pence even encouraged. "One of the main column writers graduated last year- your stories about Ebba would be a great replacement."

Now her ears were starting to glow a bright red as well. "N-no... I don't think I should..."

But that was when Olette and Roxas started to eagerly agree with the idea. Hayner was the one who silenced them with a small, disapproving scoff.

"Well, I don't like them." he told them all. "There's no way a girl can do all of that stuff on her own. It's totally unrealistic."

"What are you talking about?" Roxas then wondered with a defensive raise of his eyebrow. "I've seen Xion do all of that stuff, and more."

"Besides, no one asked you." Olette agreed before chucking a pebble at Hayner's face. The boy was just barely able to protect his face from the attack. The pebble bounced off his arms and down to the ground below. A faint reminder -if any- of the danger in sitting so high up on the Central Station clock tower.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey!" Hayner whined. "That's a long way down, you know!"

"Then you better stop being mean to Xion." Olette informed him with a grin.

"I don't have to take this." came the return huff. Hayner carefully started to get up and crossed his arms in defiance. "I'm going home. Maybe in my absence you'll learn to stop bullying me when I'm only joking."

"We should all get ready to leave, actually." Pence decided as he got up as well. "It's getting close to dinner."

At the agreed nods from Olette and Roxas, the four of them started to make their leave. But Xion wasn't ready to leave yet.

"Are you coming back with us?" Roxas asked her, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder and giving a wide smile.

"Not yet." she told him- meeting his grin with one of her own. "I wanted to write a bit more before heading back. It can get pretty loud with Isa and Lea when they're arguing about chores. I don't think Lea's done the dishes in a full week."

To this, Roxas laughed. "Fair enough." he agreed. "See you at dinner then!"

Xion smiled and waved him goodbye. Alone at last, Xion opened up her notebook. She reread a lot of what she had written down earlier. A smile crossed her lips as a sense of pride welled in her chest. It felt so great being able to create something that didn't exist before. Over time, she had developed bits and pieces of her author avatar, Ebba, that both reflected and deviated from herself. Now came time to do so again. But what was she going to write?

As she lightly brushed the end of her feather pen against her lips, Xion gave a thoughtful hum. Maybe this time she'd have Ebba on the clock tower as well? Yes, that sounded like a great idea. Write what you know was such a common writing suggestion, after all, and what did Xion know better than sitting here?

. . .

The breeze coming up the clock tower lightly tousled the bangs of Ebba's short black hair as the sun set in Twilight Town. The rest of her hair was pulled into two low pigtails that also danced a little in the wind. Ebba trained her blue eyes over the view from the train station with a curious tilt of her head. She wondered how many people were out there in this world she had decided to call home. A hundred? Maybe thousands? They surely didn't have the start on life that she had, that's for sure. Ebba's early life started without free will. For the longest time, she didn't make many of the choices that she thought were her own. But not any more.

For as long as Ebba had a free will of her own, she had decided that everyone deserved a second chance. Where would she had been without the second chance she was given? Today she was going to make it her mission to give him a second chance. Who was he, you may ask? Well, Ebba wasn't sure yet. Her contact had given so little description of her target that they might as well have said she was going to fight the air. Wouldn't have been the first time.

Regardless of who her target was for this mission, she was going to find them. If at all possible she was going to talk to them too. Ebba had seen enough violence and sadness to last a lifetime- it wasn't going to happen again for as long as she could breathe. But it still led the question; where was she going to start first?

. . .

Okay, so that last sentence was more to Xion than to her personification. Where was she going to take Ebba this time? The girl lulled her head from side to side in thought. But then she had it. Xion quickly put her notebook and pen away and started to hurry off of the clock tower. Once she took a back exit out of the train station, she made an immediate right to head into the underground concourse. Xion walked around for a bit- mostly to make sure no one else was there, and to also see if this was where she wanted to take Ebba.

A grin etched itself onto Xion's face. Yes, this place would do. She could see the scene play out before her with pinpoint accuracy too.

. . .

Someone had blown Ebba's cover. Getting into the concourse had been easy- but it had been too quiet for Ebba's liking. Someone knew she was coming. That someone also sent some creature after her as well. This creature looked a lot like a dragon with mostly dark red scales. Ebba barely had time to completely note its three toed feet, poised with deadly talons, and its wings that looked tattered the closer you got to the ends.

It had taken Ebba quite a bit of effort to distance herself from this creature in this rather cramped space. She found refuge behind one of the many pillars stabilizing the concourse. The young woman steeled herself, preparing her weapon to fight back, before leaning over the side of the pillar to aim and take the shot.

. . .

Wait. Was it even possible for someone to move that way? Curious, Xion got up and walked over to the pillar she had Ebba at in her story. She pressed her back against its cool stone, sighing a little as she moved her pen in her hand so it was roughly in the same position as a gun. Xion held the pen up near her face, then turned her body to lean over the side of the pillar. Her arm was outstretched- the fuzzy end of the pen faced toward where the enemy in story would be standing. Xion pumped her arm as if she had taken a shot.

"Pow." she mumbled under her breath. Xion unceremoniously dropped her arm after this. She looked down at her pen before giving it an amused half smile. The thing was so ridiculous, Xion wondered that if it was a weapon, it's accompanying sound would have been 'chu' not 'pow.' Too bad Ebba was more of a spy in this story, not a magical girl. Xion gave herself a bemused little chuckle before pressing her back against the pillar once more to sit and write again.

. . .

Sweat was starting to beat down on Ebba's brow. This enemy was a tougher one. It couldn't be reasoned with, and it surely wasn't going to listen, so she had no choice but to take it down. When she succeeded, the wyvern gave a departing screech before bursting into nothing more than smoke. Ebba noticed that a large, glowing heart came out from the creature at about the same time- the heart hovered for a moment before floating higher up into the air. She lost track of it when it phased through the ceiling, but she knew where it was going.

Ebba dusted herself off a bit before heading out of the concourse. Her work here was done. She was no closer to finding out what her real target was, however. This was going to take some time.

. . .

Heading home sounded rather tempting now. Xion wanted to add one more scene before retiring for the day, though. Where would she do it? She wondered rather aimlessly around Twilight Town as she thought it over. Where else did she want Ebba to go? The sandlot, while wide enough in area for a good fight or two, didn't seem like the place for a secret rendezvous. Le Grand Bistrot also seemed like a good place to meet someone, but there would be too many people.

Then the idea clicked. She knew where to go now- she just hoped that it wasn't closed off for the night.

. . .

Ebba took a deep breath in as she leaned over the railings that surrounded Sunset Hill. A train horn snapped her out of her thoughts for only a moment- she waved to it as it went under the tunnel and smiled a bit to herself.

She still had yet to find her target. Every time she thought she had found him, he once more slipped through her fingers like string. He must have known her, or perhaps even following her; they were the only conclusions that made sense. She didn't have to tell her supervisor about this. They were not going to take it very well either.

But then someone said her name. Ebba turned around and was shocked to find a rather handsome man standing there. The two locked gazes, and with a horrible pit in her stomach, Ebba knew that this was her target.

. . .

For a moment, Xion frowned. A handsome guy just waiting there for Ebba? That sounded completely ridiculous, even if he was the villain. It was cliche in and of itself that he was handsome too. Xion grimaced as she scratched out the last paragraph with an extreme prejudice. There was no way on earth that she was going to let her author avatar have a secret infatuation with the villain. No way at all. She decided long ago that Ebba wasn't going to fall in love with any one ever- period.

Flexing her hand a little to ease some of her cramping muscles, Xion started over again.

. . .

She could deal with the loss- for disappointing her supervisors once more. They wouldn't like it, but one some days it just had to be done. She did fear what they would do to her once she got back though. There were rumors in their group that if someone messed up enough, they'd turn them into husks of their former selves. Ebba shuddered at the thought; she had her own free will now, and she was going to keep it, but when her target didn't show up? What else could she do? She could argue about that with her supervisors all she wanted. One of them had to listen to her. At least one.

Ebba's thoughts were broken when she heard the sound of a dog bark next to her. She turned and immediately smiled at what she saw. It was the king's yellow and black dog, Mercury. Ebba greeted the mutt with a grin before bending down to give him a good scratch behind his ears. Mercury was a good old mutt. He liked Ebba too- sometimes finding her when she had once thought herself lost.

Well, even if her mission had been a bust, at least she still had the comfort of a few good friends when she got back. Mercury would put a good woof in for her if her supervisors complained. And if that still didn't satisfy them, then the king himself would have given Ebba a pardon. He may even help her find her target next time, or put them on a special list to keep on eye on. All in all, this hadn't been a bad day. After such a long day, Ebba told Mercury that it was time to go, and so they did.

. . .

Xion held her notebook out as she reviewed her handiwork. She had a rather productive day too, come to think of it. She'd get Ienzo to copy her written words digitally so she could see how much she had written today. By the way her hand hurt, it must have been over 500. Xion once more stretched her hand and wrist muscles before getting off the bench to head on home. Maybe she'd show Roxas what she wrote- Lea and Isa too. Who else could she let read her new short story? Olette, Hayner, and Pence would have to wait until tomorrow. Maybe if she could digitize her work tonight, she could see if Kairi or Namine could get a copy? Would they even like Ebba? Xion couldn't remember if she's actually given them anything about her yet.

She may have to take a day of writing tomorrow though, or maybe just not use her writing hand at all; it really was starting to hurt now that she wasn't concentrating on writing everything. Roxas was right- once she started going, it was hard to stop. She absolutely believed the adage that the pen was mightier than the sword- writing felt more painful after finishing than taking down a Darkside. The only difference was the lack of bruises, really.

Even if Xion didn't write about Ebba tomorrow, she could still daydream about it. A writer never sleeps, after all, and Xion was just getting started.

[nadziejastar]

Part 2: Axel

Saïx: You have changed…Something at Castle Oblivion changed you. Does the past mean nothing to you now?

Unlike Isa’s scar, Axel’s tear mark tattoos disappeared when Lea was recompleted. It implies that he got them after he became a Nobody, while Isa received his scar as a human. In the concept art, Lea was shown with tear mark tattoos and without them. Isa was shown with green and gold Norted eyes. It suggests that there was backstory that was going to show these characters before and after.

A teenage Axel probably gave himself the tattoos. KH3′s explanation for the teardrops was lame and I doubt that was always the story behind them. Saïx told him they’d stop him from crying? Well, Nobodies don’t cry. So are we supposed to believe that Isa was mocking Lea for crying before they became Nobodies? Why on earth would he do that? And why is Lea crying all the time, anyways? I thought they were apprentices, not test subjects? It’s pretty dumb.

Hearing his old name, Axel glanced up to see Saïx watching him intently. He remembered being human. Memories surged inside him, crowding the space in his chest. For Nobodies, memory had all the weight of a heart.

I remember. I won’t forget. But those sunsets with Roxas and Xion were part of his memory.

KH3 apparently forgot, but Axel was an assassin. And since he wasn’t trained to kill the apprentices, I highly doubt that was a profession he chose for himself, lol. The teardrops were almost certainly associated with that history. Axel had them before the idea that he was old friends with Saïx even existed. The teardrop tattoo can mean that the wearer has committed murder. It can also mean that one of the wearer’s friends was murdered and that they are seeking revenge. In Axel’s case, both are probably true.

In order for Sora—no, for Roxas to live, and also for us to accomplish our own goal, Zexion is in the way. And, if it’s for the sake of our own goal, we already decided what to do, that time.

Since Axel’s tattoos are upside-down, I’d say they represent fact that Axel couldn’t cry anymore even if he wanted to. And since that ability was taken away from him after he lost his heart, the tattoos symbolize him embracing his lack of emotion. When he gets his revenge, he will show no mercy and have no remorse. I think Axel gave them to himself not long after losing his heart. They symbolize that he will never forget what happened to him, Isa and all the other innocent victims lost during the experiments.

Zero Gear: “A powerful weapon that draws forth its wielder’s true worth.”

Lea was able to create a Corridor of Darkness even as a human. The apprentices couldn’t even do this, nor Riku after “Ansem” left him. 

Nomura: While only those known as beings of darkness and beings of between are able to create entries and exits, in rare cases even other kinds of beings such as the Beast and DiZ, who held strong sentiment or hatred in their hearts, have been able to open a path themselves. However, this means being near the darkness.

It’s rare to be able to do this and requires strong feelings like hatred in the person’s heart. I think because of their differing personalities, Lea was thought to be more capable of destruction, while Isa was seen as more submissive.

And so, Axel appeared in front of Sora. He threw a chakram at Vexen right then. It wasn’t that powerful, but it could kill in one hit if it got a vital point.

Lea seemed to be molded for his skills related to being an assassin, while they tried to turn Isa into an obedient robot with no ability to think for himself.

The members of the Organization each had their own distinctive weapons that didn’t exactly cooperate if someone else tried to use them, but Keyblades were even more particular. If someone else so much as tried to pick it up, a Keyblade would simply return to its wielder’s hand. Or so Xion had heard.

There’s a few interesting bits of info about Organization XIII’s weapons and abilities in the novels. This scene happens while Xion was trying to use Roxas’ Keyblade. First of all, the weapons of the Organization are formed by their memories. Second of all, the weapons cannot be used by just anybody.

Nobodies derived their personalities and abilities from memories of their human lives. But what exactly were those abilities? What gave rise to them?

The answer that came to mind was the presence of memory itself. They were chained by their memory, and in those bonds was power. So it was probably fair to say that Roxas and Xion were bound by the same memory.

And thirdly, Axel doesn’t even understand how he got his abilities. Just that they are related to “memory”.

There are also many things regarding Castle Oblivion that remain mysterious. Did Organisation XIII build that castle themselves, with Naminé the original subject of the experiments they conducted there? Please tell us the details of the experiments the Organization were carrying out. Also, was that pod that Sora entered something the Organisation built in relation to those experiments? Are they the same pods in Twilight Town?

The ultimate goal of the Organisation was to obtain a Kingdom Hearts of the hearts of people and become complete beings, and because Nobodies were a new kind of being beyond all expectations, said to be ‘nonexistent beings’, the lack of background knowledge made it necessary for them to collect information relating to their own condition. One major feature of the Nobodies is that they form personalities and feelings through memories without hearts. This means that ‘memory’ is a very important element to them. The creation of Castle Oblivion itself is still a mystery, but, as you can guess from the cutscenes added to this title, you may consider that the Organisation discovered the castle, which was there since before the Organisation was created, at quite an early stage.

And also, around the same time that Roxas woke up in Twilight Town, Naminé woke up in Castle Oblivion. This means that she was found by the Organisation after that. Just as each Organisation member has an attribute ability, Naminé possesses the power to manipulate ‘memory’, and they thought that this ability was the key to illuminating the truths of the condition of the Nobodies. This means that in that place that affected the ‘memory’ of those who entered they carried out experiments relating to memory. Above all, Xemnas, the leader of the Organisation, seemed to be searching for something important related to ‘memory’. Some of their experiments involved the breaking and rebirth of memories, and those pods were for that purpose indeed created by the Organisation. The pod that Sora woke up in in Twilight Town was the same one from Castle Oblivion. DiZ had moved everything as it was in order to escape pursuit by the Organisation. Also, as Xigbar says in a cutscene added to this title: when the time comes to reveal the details of ‘the true purpose of Castle Oblivion’, all the mysteries regarding Castle Oblivion will be solved.

These details are given legitimacy in one of Nomura’s interviews. Organization XIII carried out experiments in Castle Oblivion to understand themselves and their own abilities. Keyblades come from a person’s heart. You need a strong heart to wield one. So, it appears the weapons of the Nobodies come from their mind. You need a strong mind to form a Nobody. And their weapons are similar to Keyblades. So, the story of how each member got their signature weapons was apparently something that was planned to be revealed, especially if they are specifically tied to their memories. 

Many of the members had combat experience as humans which make it obvious how they got their abilities. Lea play fought with frisbees and his chakrams are based off of that. Others are not so obvious. Isa was not shown fighting, yet Saïx uses a berserker’s claymore. Berserkers fight in trance-like state with adrenaline coursing through them. Thus, I highly doubt this weapon had anything to do with Isa’s memories as a normal kid.

Mystery Gear: “A weapon that draws forth its wielder’s personality.”

In addition to their abilities, their personalities are said to be drawn from their memories. This is probably where the whole idea of the Mystery Gear came from. I was never really comfortable with Mystery Gear being labeled a “joke weapon” on the same level as the Casual Gear. Sure, some of the weapons seem silly, like Vexen’s Snowman or Xigbar’s Trumpet (and even those I believe are meaningful). But others are completely serious, like Xemnas’ Absolute or Roxas’s Aubade. So, my theory is that the Mystery Gear is the weapon that is created from the memories of the person the moment they lost their heart.

An aubade is a morning love song (as opposed to a serenade, which is in the evening), or a song or poem about lovers separating at dawn. It has also been defined as “a song or instrumental composition concerning, accompanying, or evoking daybreak”. In the strictest sense of the term, an aubade is a song from a door or window to a sleeping woman. Well, Sora chose to become a Heartless to awaken Kairi, who was sleeping. He did so out of love.  

The Heartless come from people’s hearts, as does the darkness. Is the core of the world’s heart the world of the Heartless? I will pursue the answer there and become all knowing. My path is set. I shall seek out the wielder of the Keyblade, and the princesses. My body is too frail for such a journey, but I must do this. I will cast it off and plunge into the depths of darkness.

Apprentice Xehanort wanted to become all-knowing. Xemnas’s Mystery Gear is “Absolute”. And trumpeters are harbingers of the apocalypse in the Bible. And that’s exactly what Braig signed up to be when he gave up his heart to Xehanort. Axel’s is called “Fuma Shuriken”, or Wind Demon Shuriken. It also has a Recusant’s Sigil on it. In the warring states period, the Fuma Clan were a group of outlaw ninjas, especially skilled at night raids and other sorts of sneaky surprise attacks. They were extremely strong, extremely deadly, and had a reputation for pretty much having no morals whatsoever. They would slash enemies in the back, set entire villages on fire, and resort to all sorts of violent and non-violent trickery. They were also said to be experts at the use of fire and smoke – including the smoke-shield practice known as Enton-no-jutsu.

“That Genie we met seemed really worried about his friend Al,” Xion remarked eventually. “But then he said he’d respect his friend’s wishes. I guess you can’t just jump in and do everything for them, even if you want to.” Xion bit her ice cream, swinging her feet.

Axel leaned his head to one side. “Your friend’s wishes, huh…” It feels like I have heard that before, a long time ago, when I was human.

“Inseparable” is the day Xion needs to rely on Roxas. Friends lean on each other. Axel says best friends can be together when they’re apart as long as they feel close. But he sadly said he didn’t have one. The description of this day says that Roxas learns about a friend’s resolve.

“He worries too much. Thinks he has to help Sora do everything…” Axel grimaced in irritation.

“But, Axel, aren’t you the one worrying about Riku and Sora?” Naminé giggled softly.

Axel said he’d heard that back when he was a human. Axel worries a lot about his friends, like Riku does.

“You have your own mission, Roxas,” Saïx told him before Xion could answer.

“I can’t trade with Xigbar or something?”

“What an extraordinarily childish notion. Do you need Axel to walk you everywhere now?”

Roxas bit his lip and looked at the floor. “That’s not it…”

Day 353 is called “Resolve”. Axel was worrying about how to save everyone and also respect their wishes. This is the day Xion left to sacrifice herself. Saïx said this on Day 353. He’s projecting. Lea probably always worried over Isa and tried to care of him, like Riku does with Sora. Saïx still has Isa’s “personality”---his memories, that is. He knows that he was clingy and dependent on Lea. And he can’t STAND it. It’s humiliating to him. He thinks Isa was a childish baby who needed Lea to coddle him.

“It’s the best thing for everyone,” said Xion.

Everyone? Everyone, who? For us? Or…for someone else?

“How do you know that?” Axel demanded. “Everyone thinks they’re right…”

“This is right,” Xion said firmly. “It’s better this way.” Axel hated that argument. Nothing was better any which way. All it came down to was what you wanted to do and what you didn’t. He’d learned that lesson back when he had a heart.

It’s heavily implied that Isa’s thoughts at the moment he lost his heart were related to love. In the story of the Moon Rabbit, the hare was a bodhisattva. The bodhisattva vow is the commitment to put others before oneself. It is a statement of willingness to give up one’s own well-being, even one’s own enlightenment, for the sake of others.

“Me, worry? You think I need to be worried about those two?” He stretched backward and rocked the chair back and forth, like a restless child.

Naminé returned to her sketchbook.

“Say, Naminé… Are you still going to try to meet Kairi?”

Her head snapped up at the unexpected question. Across from her, Axel met her gaze, grave and earnest.

“I have to help her,” she said with a sad smile.

He scowled. “Is that really the best thing?”

“The best thing…?” Naminé set her crayons down on the table, her gaze dropping as she thought for a moment, and then she smiled at him again. “It’s the right thing.”

In response, Axel only leaned back and rocked in the chair again. She took up her crayons.

No one could know what was right or wrong.

I think Lea’s last thoughts as a human were related to rage. The hare decided to offer himself up as food to a hungry stranger even though other food was available. It can be seen as foolish. And I think that’s how Lea felt when he realized Isa wanted to sacrifice himself for him. He was furious, like he was with Xion. He was mad at Isa for trying to destroy himself, when there HAD to be another way. He was mad at himself for being powerless to save Isa. And he was furious at the apprentices most of all for causing everything. 

He was probably waiting for me. Standing there against the wall with his arms folded was once my best friend—Saïx didn’t take his eyes off the ground to look at Axel.

“…You’re sure this is for the best?”

He HATES the idea that there is a set way that is “best”. And because of what happened, he’s perpetually stuck at the age of 15, unable to move on from his trauma. He’s actually compared to a child in the novels. He can’t control his anxiety and rocks back and forth like a child. He has severe abandonment issues.

“Everything is back to normal. Of course this is for the best, isn’t it?”

The reason I’m unable to answer Saïx is probably because I depend on him, thought Axel.

I enjoy seeing both the official localization and the fan translation translation of the novels. The fan translation can sound a little awkward sometimes, but it’s usually more literal which I appreciate. In the localized version, it says that Axel doesn’t want to alienate Saïx anymore. In the fan translation, it carries a heaver connotation and says that Axel depends on Saïx. And I think hearing him say that things were “for the best” is the exactly reason why. He remembers Isa as a selfless person. So even though Saïx is abusive to him, they are codependent. Axel totally relies on him to connect him to his past and we all saw how poorly Saïx handled Axel leaving him, even though he constantly pushed him away.

“Huh? Why am I a slap on the wrist?” Roxas asked.

“Well, they know how much I hate babysitting.” Axel let out an exaggerated sigh.

“Gee, thanks,” huffed Roxas.

Unlike Zexion, Axel had a very happy life as Lea. Then it was all taken from him relatively quickly. In the novels, the chapter titled “Inseparable” shows Axel’s playful and childish side. It gives you a better glimpse of what he was like as a teen and why he always longed to go back to the past.

“Watch this!” Axel threw a dart at the board.

“Hey! We have to investigate.”

“C’mon, it’s just a couple darts.”

Axel tossed one more, which neatly struck the bull’s-eye.

He hated babysitting because he would rather still be a kid. He had the most fun when he could act like a teenager.

“But what is all that stuff?” Axel leaned closer, examining the map.

“I guess we can’t just ask the one who hid it here… Pence, I think his name was,” said Roxas.

Axel shrugged. “As if. It’s probably the easiest way to find out.”

“As if. We still have to find him first.” Roxas imitated the gesture, albeit with considerably more drama.

“Ugh, okay, no more Xigbar impressions,” Axel said, cracking up.

“You started it!”

Roxas lost it, too, and it took a few minutes for them to recover from their fit of giggling.

He wanted to play darts and do Xigbar impressions.

“What should we do now, Naminé?” Riku asked as he reached for the little freezer under the computer. He removed a bar of ice cream and took a bite.

“…Aw, is it good?” Axel teased. “Seriously, you’re like a little kid. Even though you look like a mean old man.”

Riku made no response, keeping his gaze fixed on the computer screen. The comment did rub him the wrong way. But mentally, Axel was definitely older than him by at least a little. Not that you could tell from looking.

Riku said that Axel is mentally older…but only by a little.

As Riku sighed, Axel stole the ice cream out of his hand.

“There’s plenty in there. Just get your own. And you call me a little kid,” Riku grumbled.

At his irritation, Axel only shrugged and chuckled to himself.

Axel was definitely a case of arrested development. Socially and emotionally he was still stuck at the age of 15. It’s why he eats so much sea-salt ice cream.

Axel’s eyes crinkled as he remembered his own best friend—the only friend he’d ever had, in fact.

“If your best friend goes away, you’re sad, and if you get to be with them, you’re happy,” Naminé added. “Isn’t that how it is, Axel?”

“…That’s about the size of it.” Axel nodded and sat down on the remaining empty sofa, staring at the sea-salt ice cream he held.

“So you are capable of sincerity,” said Riku.

Axel only shrugged at the jab and finished his ice cream pop.

Axel took a particular liking to Sora and Riku, but became depressed by them, too. He acted like a kid, denying that Isa was ever his friend and eating tons of ice cream to make himself feel better.

In that world, Roxas was laughing.

Like he was having fun.

Like he’d always lived in that place.

It’s a place of lies Naminé made from his own memories, but, maybe, that’s the real Roxas. Not clad in a black coat, but playing with friends his own age, laughing, eating ice-cream, wandering around—like Sora.

He was jealous of Hayner, Pence, and Olette, especially when Roxas called their names when time froze during the Struggle.

“Then what did you wanna come with me for?” Axel flung his arms out angrily.

“Because… Because you seemed lonely.”

“What?” The irritated furrow between his brows deepened.

“You seemed lonely,” Naminé repeated, raising her eyes.

“Lonely? Me, a Nobody, lonely? That doesn’t even make sense!”

“You know, Axel… I wonder if we really do have hearts after all.”

“Yeah, well… That’s impossible.” He turned away from her.

I like that he wasn’t completely healed of all his issues as soon as he was recompleted. He still HATES showing vulnerability around people. And since he had lost the ability to cry for so many years, he cannot stand letting people see him cry. He formed his identity around being strong. He turned away from Roxas when he started tearing up and he ran away and dropped his ice cream when he cried in front of Kairi. He trusted her, but still wouldn’t talk about his past or why he still wore his black cloak with her.

[x-blade-master]

Concession - Kingdom Hearts Fic

The first KH fic I’ve ever written -- figured I would pop it on here. This was written before KH3′s release.

Summary: Sora gets Roxas back, but at the cost of Riku’s patience. Basically, just a few thousand words of Roxas being a little bitch to Riku because he deserves it, even if we love him.

Rating: Gen

Relationships: None

Characters: Sora, Riku, Roxas

Bringing Roxas back hadn’t been anyone’s priority but Sora’s, even if all his friends stood by him as he quested around Twilight Town to find a way to return him to the world of light. Sure, Riku and Kairi had been cheering him on, and Donald and Goofy had accompanied him wherever the clues went. But really, this was Sora’s quest, one no one could understand. They hadn’t felt what Roxas felt. They hadn’t stared into the eyes of someone so broken and stomped on by life that they finally conceded to its whims. Their lives weren’t stolen.

Yen Sid had told him Roxas was a problem he was creating when they had so many more problems to deal with. Roxas wasn’t one of the missing keyblade wielders; he wasn’t Terra, or Ventus, or Aqua, he wasn’t one of the lights. He wasn’t necessary in this war.

He didn’t get Sora’s point. Necessary in the war didn’t matter. There was life and light beyond the war (Sora had to believe that, had to believe there was an end for him to see with his friends) and Roxas, who had been hurt as much as everyone else, deserved to see that end. So he was getting Roxas back, no matter what.

And he did. He got him back. For a moment he felt like gloating, telling him that he was his own person, here’s the proof. Roxas’ shock, quickly turned thankful, was more than enough for him in the end. Things got a bit more interesting after that.

Roxas had what Sora could only call a bittersweet affection for him. Always thankful for what he did, but also holding onto all that time he had lost to a boy he barely knew. It didn’t bother Sora much; he had a pretty thick skin. And he could consider it more bitter than sweet because Roxas rarely left his side. He would’ve thought that Roxas would run to Lea’s side, but there was a weird tension between the two (mostly on Roxas’ end) that kept him close to Sora.

Which meant Roxas frequently had run ins with Riku which were… stressful, to say the least.

They had been filling Roxas in on some of the past events. Sora wasn’t even sure Roxas was listening outside of an occasional nod. After he finished talking about the Mark of Mastery exam (and his subsequent failure) Roxas turned to Riku with a sharp, not so friendly expression.

“How’s it the guy who can’t keep a keyblade becomes a Master, but you didn’t?” he said.

Riku looked like he was teetering between retaliation and calmness. It was true Riku had gone through his fair share of keyblades, but Sora also knew that if anyone deserved to be a Master, it was him.

“Hey now,” Sora said before either of them could keep going. “Riku just took a bit to get it right is all.” He withheld from pointing out that Roxas had been using keyblades that weren’t his, either, and was probably going to find one that suited him rather than Oathkeeper and Oblivion.

Neither of them were satisfied with the interjection, but they didn’t keep bickering. A tiny victory.

Another time, Roxas thought it would be fun to antagonize Riku while he was sitting to the side, watching him train with Sora.

“Wow, Riku, Sora basically has you beat. You aren’t going to be a sore loser and use the darkness against him, are you?”

Riku’s swing missed, but Sora was equally caught off guard by the statement to not wack him with his keyblade. They both looked up to see a smug, if a little pained, expression on Roxas’ face.

“Roxas…” Sora began, but he didn’t really know where to end the statement. Riku took a deep inhale, focused his thoughts, and then back to the training, acting as if nothing but a strong wind had blown by.

It wasn’t a lack of a reaction, not really, so Roxas found himself pleased.

Some time after that, Riku had been looking for Sora to have a private conversation. There were so many people and so many things to think about that a moment alone with his best friend was just the sort of reprieve he needed.

When he found Sora, he wasn’t alone. He had stepped quietly enough into the room so that he wasn’t noticed, but it was just Sora and Roxas hanging out. Well, Roxas noticed him, and if that tired (annoyingly familiar) smirk was anything to go by, he knew that Riku was probably looking for a little alone time with Sora.

He backed out of the room carefully. Staring at Roxas was like asking for a headache to come for him. It was Sora’s face contorted in constant exhaustion and anger and a certain smarminess that his childhood friend could never manage to pick up. It was Sora’s eyes, blue as the sky, played back on a different station that just threatened revenge or murder or something equally angsty.

Maybe when Riku was younger it was easier to get mad at Sora. But after everything he’d done to him, seeing his face now just made him soft and shameful. He sighed. He deserved this a little, if he was being honest. He hadn’t been the nicest to Roxas, and he worked with DiZ, who had definitely just been plain rude to him. He could handle a bit of snark and frustration.

Roxas just didn’t know when to let up.

Finding Sora without his little shadow was impossible. The only time Roxas left his side was if someone else (not Riku, never Riku) needed Sora to help them with something. They did /everything/ together. Oh, he wasn’t jealous. No way. He had done the jealousy thing before and it did not end well.

He thought he had gotten Sora alone for just a second when they rounded a corner and bumped into each other, but there was Roxas, looming over his shoulder with an unreadable expression and a popsicle stick between his teeth.

“Oh, sorry Riku!” Sora said with his usual chipperness. “Roxas and I just got back from Twilight Town. Sea salt ice cream isn’t really the same anywhere else, ya know?”

“So I’ve heard,” he said, not breaking eye contact with Roxas.

“You should come with us next time! Kairi wants to go, too. It’ll be fun!”

Roxas leaned against Sora with an arm on his shoulder, like a lazy cat in a patch of sun. “Yeah, Riku. You owe me at least 500 munny worth of ice cream, if not a trip to the beach.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose, giving up on their weird staring contest. “Look, Roxas, I’m /sorry/ about that--”

“So you have my money? I worked for that, you know.”

Sora looked at him inquisitively. “You had a job?”

“Several.”

“Alright, look, if it’ll cool you down,” he said, already reaching to grab whatever munny he had on him.

“Cool me down?” Roxas repeated. “I dunno, I’m pretty cool right now. You seem a bit bothered though.”

Riku gritted his teeth. This was impossible. He was being impossible! On purpose! And Sora had the gall to stand there and act like it nothing was going on. Or maybe this was awkward for him. He hadn’t really considered that.

He let out a long breath, refocusing on Roxas. “I’m sorry,” he said for the second time. This was a sorry for everything he’d done. His least offense was probably stealing the munny anyway, and his worst might have been waiting this long to apologize. Roxas looked him over idly.

Roxas waved his popsicle stick around. “So, what, no munny?”

“You-”

Sora cut him off. “Roxas, we have plenty of munny for ice cream.”

He shrugged. “I know. I’m just teasing. Right, Riku?”

“...Right. I’ll catch you later Sora.” He made sure not to glance back at the two of them.

Roxas’ melancholy was palpable from miles away to Sora. He was just staring at the stars, sitting with his legs crossed in front of Yen Sid’s tower. It wasn’t often that Roxas was away from Sora. It wasn’t like he was shy, but he understood the comfort in being close to the person whose heart he had stayed in for a while.

Sora settled down next to him, shoulder to shoulder. “We gotta talk,” he said softly.

“We’re always talkin’,” Roxas said.

“Yeah, but we gotta talk about Riku.”

“What about him?”

He sighed. “Look, I know you two had a really rough start. I know Riku did some not so great things when he was trying to wake me up. I wish I had been there. I wish I had met you before. But he’s gotten so much better and-and I don’t think this is fair.”

“Fair? My life isn’t fair. This is hardly /that/.”

“But he’s a good person! And I know he’s sorry for it all now. There are so many other things to be fighting right now. We shouldn’t fight each other!”

Roxas narrowed his eyes. They reflected the stars so clearly. Is that what Sora looked like, soft and vulnerable? Surely not as hardened. He tried not to be. He tried to not let things seep in the way they did for Roxas.

“You’re right,” Roxas finally said. “I just… it’s easier to be mad. He was terrible. DiZ was worse. I was never supposed to exist, remember? No one had to treat me like I was someone because I wasn’t anyone, so they didn’t. I shouldn’t even be mad.”

Sora laid down on his back, putting his hands under his head. “No, I think it’s okay that you’re mad. As long as you move on from it.”

Roxas looked down at him. “I’ll… try. Don’t expect me to be rushing into Riku’s arms or something. Pretty sure he still doesn’t like me regardless of how I would treat him.”

“You haven’t given him a chance. Trust me, beneath all that broodiness and hair, he’s got a real good heart.”

Roxas gave a small nod. A concession, of sorts. Maybe, a step forward.

But only maybe.

[nadziejastar]

I completely agree. A lot of fans didn't appreciate the complexity they were attempting with Axel as a character. And that's why so many fans actually came away with the genuine belief that he was "dumb" or an uncomplicated happy-go-lucky guy, whose entire existence revolved around a 15-year-old boy he couldn’t have a serious conversation with. Or a heartless sociopath. I will use quotes from this forum topic since I found the opinions there to be so interesting.

First of all, I don't dislike Axel. I like his type of character, but I could never really connect with him because his rash development always kinda irritated me. In Re:Com, we get to see him as cunning, smart-mouthed, manipulative and cold-blooded. He kills Vexen without a second thought, taunts and fights Sora, plays Marluxia and gets Replicu to kill Zexion who didn't even need to die. 

Days is trying to sell me that this man who seemed hardly much different from Marluxia and Larxene (which is why they accepted him quickly) would actually try to befriend someone who can't even talk. And it's not just handing him an ice cream once after a job, but Axel actually does make an effort to keep this friendship up. He later states that Roxas made him feel like he had a heart, but that was way after he started caring about Roxas (a job he complained to have, actually).

It's not that I dismiss the idea of Axel befriended someone like Roxas entirely - but RAX is the trio that sold its friendship to me the least. There's is this jarring difference between Re:Com Axel and Days Axel and also KH2 Axel and KH3 Axel. Re:Com Axel is, like I already said, cunning and manipulative, but acts like a playful, "I'll explain the world to you" nice uncle in Days when he isn't currently out there killing people (this transition obviously doesn't bother him one bit) and after he jumps between two extremes, he is rather straightforward in KH2, being quite clear with Roxas. In KH3 he turned into a joke, sadly and I can't even see why he had to..

When I see opinions like these, it’s SO clear that Axel was supposed to get an actual fleshed out backstory. Not a 2 minute exposition dump primarily functioning as sequel-bait. That’s NOT a backstory. A lot of people think Days "ruined" him because he acted so differently compared to CoM. Like you said, he was a Slytherin in CoM. Lea was probably more of a Ravenclaw. Axel acted more like that around Roxas and Xion. 

Many didn't see that Axel was hiding so much of himself with them. In many ways, he was putting on a performance. It just made him that much more interesting and realistic to me. Real people act differently in different situations. Axel was smart enough to know that he can't show certain aspects of himself to certain people. So he wore a mask with the kiddies and of course hid his sentimental side from everyone else. He was still the same character, though. I can totally see Axel befriending someone who can’t talk if he and his best friend were used as a human guinea pigs in the past, and his best friend was left unable to talk afterwards (which is what I think happened). That makes perfect sense.

Days was the fallout, and any shred of nuance his character had was gone. There's like, a tiny bit of it when he has to go to Castle Oblivion and has a "don't ask me about my job" vibe with Roxas, but that's not enough to make up for the rest of the game in which he's this sad puppy trying to befriend other sad puppies.

You bring up a fantastic point by saying he could've been friends with other members: one of my gripes with Days is that from the outside Roxas, Axel and Xion seem like this snob trio that doesn't even try to give other people a chance. Axel ditches possible companionship with people he's known for years and that are much closer to his age and possible interests because as soon as he sees this mute and unresponsive kid he's like, completely in awe. (Axel truly was the first "must protect precious cinnamon roll" person). And you can FEEL how much Roxas wants to get away from every single person who isn't Axel or Xion.

It’s sad that it was never shown that Axel was not in the organization by choice. It was obvious that he had a tragic past, but it still should have been shown. He never wanted to be an assassin. The Subject X retcon totally contradicts all of Axel’s past behavior from every single game. It blows my mind that a large portion of the fandom can uncritically accept that Axel was simply looking for a random girl for the last ten years. I can see how Roxas seemed like a “precious cinnamon roll” to Axel. The fandom certainly treats their relationship that way, which I find cringeworthy. But I don’t think that was supposed to be the idea. Axel seemed "in awe" of Roxas because he had a heart. He didn't act like a sociopath. The organization chews people up and spits them out. That’s what happened to Lea. Axel saw his past self in Roxas, so he felt compelled to protect him. 

BBS only shows him in an irrelevant scene (sorry, it was completely unrelevant and unnecessary, but ok), and it start to try to change it into someone who cares about sad puppies and want to "be remembered forever". Well, Axel always kind of like to work in the shadows, but he likes to show of too. Alright. He seems to pet the dog when he can, even if he is also willing to kick it, too. Whatever. Not really adds nothing to me.

How is his scene in BBS irrelevant? It showed that he used to be a totally normal kid. Ya know, like Hayner's group? Not someone who is going to join Xehanort by choice. After I played BBS, I understood that after he snuck into the castle, he was kidnapped and forced to spend the last 10 years of his life in a cult surrounded by heartless criminals. Of course he would be drawn to two innocent children. He can vicariously relive his lost childhood through them. It just made him seem that much more complex.

Axel got turned into this caricature of himself because I think the series lacked the skillful writing to keep him around as one of the good guys while also mantaining his character intact.

So as soon as he started to become a positive figure he was turned into yet another acolyte of the Church of Friendship and Every Good Thing. Kingdom Hearts has too much black and white philosophy to handle a grey character like OG Axel without having to rethink and retell a lot of events. And he became the comic relief because I guess someone had to be when Donald wasn't around.

So much of what we saw of Axel was a persona---a facade. Including him talking about friendship. He was a multifaceted character. He was smart enough to fool not only the other organization members, but a large portion of the fandom, I guess. In my opinion, it wasn’t that the series wasn’t capable of making Axel a good guy while keeping his character intact. It’s that KH3 was catering to what fans wanted. KH3 went with the superficial facade version of his personality because the fandom has too much trouble with black-and-white thinking. 

I never thought his character change worked either. I thought it was funny that people didn't want Isa to be redeemed despite all the horrible things Axel himself had done in CoM and KH2. 

I had a pretty long discussion with someone who said Lea didn't seem concerned with Isa at all in KH3D. He only cared about Roxas. I didn't understand how anyone could play KH3D and come to that conclusion. I could tell Lea cared about Isa long before I ever read the novels. I guess a lot of people just don't do well with subtlety in storytelling. Apparently a lot of people didn’t even want Isa to be redeemed, despite being Norted as a child. I have no idea why. Because Saïx was an asshole? Because they didn't come right out and tell you Isa was a Nort? Isa jokingly called Lea a loser, so clearly that meant he was always evil (an opinion I have seen). If you ask me, Axel got turned into a caricature of himself because of the fandom, not because Nomura was incapable of pulling it off. Not the fans in that topic necessarily, just in general. The fans that KH3 was pandering to. Nomura could have easily pulled it off, lol. He almost did.

And while we're on the subject of Axel's intelligence, this is why I genuinely cannot fathom how people interpreted Axel as having romantic interest in Roxas. Even ignoring the age difference and amnesia, you really would have to dumb Axel down a LOT if you wanted him to look at Roxas like that, lol. Roxas was simply not in the same league as Axel when it came to intelligence, amnesiac or not. Axel could run circles around him on his worst day. Teenage Lea seemed a LOT more intelligent and mature than Ventus, too. I always felt like Roxas, a relatively simple teenager, was the protagonist for the target demographic of KH. But Axel, a complicated adult, was the "protagonist" for Nomura. He was able to put a lot more of himself into Axel, and probably related to things from his perspective far more than Roxas's. It's why I liked that game's story so much.

Saïx was very smart, but to be fair, we don’t know how much of that can be attributed to Xehanort’s influence. We do know Isa liked to make witty quips. I think he and Lea were likely in the same ballpark, which is why they had so much chemistry together. Speaking of Isa's intelligence, you bring up Axel's eidetic memory. He has an amazing ability to recall things. I think these two things are related. The imagery of the sunset is so important to Axel because Isa told him why the sun sets red. Isa was probably a know-it-all who knew a lot of random facts like that. He probably liked to act smug in a playful and charming way. I am doing a post on why that is such an important memory. 

Now that I think about it, it would have been the exact opposite of his dynamic with Roxas and Xion. Axel had to explain everything to them, like you would with a small child. Axel longed for the companionship of someone who could challenge him and who knew things he didn't. Someone who could understand his complexity. My headcanon is that Isa must have been incredibly smart, and that's why he struggled to make friends. He went to the Realm of Sleep a long time ago. Once he was revived, he was still going to be Lea's BFF. Lea and Isa are now adults. That's probably why Jiminy's Journal described him as mature beyond his years. And that's why Lea liked him.