#he spoke at our church back when things were really bad with my parents and it was an experience

[bowtiepastabitch]

rpf but it's just a self insert of me beating the shit out of becket cook

[multific]

Destiny and Future

Hellboy x Reader

Summary: You arrived at the church as all hell break lose outside, literally

"RED!" the voice caught everyone's attention in the church. You barged in and the scene in front of you shocked you, to say the least. 

"Just what in the seven shades of FUCK is going on here?!" you yelled as you saw the Professor, dead, as Alice was projecting him. He offered you a smile that told you, you just arrived on time.

"He is fulfilling his destiny and no one will be able to stop him." Nimue, the woman in front of him said.

"Oh, okay, and here I thought it was the end of the world." you let out a huff, obviously being sarcastic.

"You left." Hellboy spoke as he was now fully turned towards you. His words felt like fire and ice at the same time. A shiver ran down your spine as you looked at him.

"I tried to find my parents... took me so long to realize that while I was looking for my past, my present and future ran right past me, and I lost you. I'm so sorry, Red. I caused you way too much pain with my selfishness. I wasn't there for you when Ruiz passed, I wasn't there for you before or after and I regret it deeply. But this is not you, Red. I know you, this is not who you are, I mean come on a fire crown? Really?" you took a spet towards him, everyone watching you closely. 

"Do not listen to her. She is lying! She played with your feelings, she just doesn't want you to fulfil your destiny."

"Slithering like a snake I see." you commented as she gave you a look. 

"I'll kill you." she moved towards you, with intentions to murder you but Hellboy grabbed her arm.

"No one touches My Kitten." he said before he chopped her head off. One clean cut.

Then you were attacked by something from your right, and before you could dodge it, it made you fly and land against a pillar, making your back hurt and as you hit your head, you passed out.

When you woke up you were in a very familiar room, Red's room.

You smiled as you saw him sitting by your side.

"How are you feeling?" he asked as you woke up.

"Like I was just thrown against a pillar and blacked out. Can you kill the light please? My head is throbbing." you asked as you covered your eyes. Hellboy did as you told him and turned the lights off, only a small light illuminating the room so it's not pitch black. 

He didn't say a word. Although you knew he wanted to say many many things, he didn't speak.

"Red... I'm sorry about your father."

"Yeah."

"But I'll never leave you again, I promise. Not even when you will yell at me for being annoying." he smiled.

"I'm sorry you didn't find what you were looking for."

"Don't be silly, I found it years ago when I met you, I just didn't realize." you sat up against the pillows as he moved to sit next to your leg on the bed. "I feel bad, I spent most of our relationship trying to find my past."

"Well, you are doing it again, you are focusing on what happened instead of the future." you looked into his golden eyes. 

"You are right it's just that I feel really bad about it. I understand why you'd feel like I played with your feelings. But I never lied, I do really love you, Red." 

"I know. I love you too." he leaned over and placed a kiss on your lips. 

Throughout your relationship with him, this was the first time you felt truly free and happy. 

"So... Excalibur and... fire crown?" you laughed as he groaned but didn't say anything.

From that day on, no more looking into the past, from that day on, all that mattered was the future, your future with him. 

Taglist: imreadinggoaway @fleursirvart @v-2bucky ehsebastiancrunch-time-sports  @pxstelrainbow ablogbypeteparker liamssmilersmexylemony @greenarrowhead feelingsareharddd @thisismysecrethappyplace @sincerelyfan @theoneanna @aestheticsandmarvel @rororo06 @castellandiangelo @avengers-r-us @destynelseclipsa   @spilledinkindumpster celebsimagine @capsiclesdoll snoopy3000 @firstangeldragonranch @puknow @crazzyter  @alwayshave-faith @soleil-dor @alex12948 scream-kiwi79  @lxdyred  @imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl​ @liveforkarljacobs @anonymoussherlockandmarvelgeek @paola-carter @stunkbiggu @violet-19999​ @praline357​

~Masterlist~

ˇAO3ˇ

             DO NOT REPOST OR TRANSLATE ANY OF MY WORKS

[ayeyolooo]

Beyond compare <3

Warnings: please read before reading the story.

Mentions of the Bible. The reader is portrayed as a black female. (But anyone can feel free to read it!) mentions of church,if you aren’t comfortable with it then you may click off of it. If you don’t like it there’s literally nothing that can do.. oh! And please excuse my grammatical errors🩷.

You stood in the mirror trying to adjust your outfit because you were going out on a little picnic date with your boyfriend. He was the best boyfriend ever,he treated you so well. He would read to you, and read the Bible with you and go to church with you.

Your parents were extremely proud of you because you brought such an amazing man home. One thing that your boyfriend; ony stood by was his word. He was a strong man of God,and that made him wayyyy more attractive. You cleared your throat as you frowned at the brown sun dress that clinged onto your body. Your stomach had lower body fat which made you hate wearing dresses.

your phone had made a ding noise , so you turned your head and made your way to your bed. You plopped down with a sigh as you grabbed your phone from your white fluffy sheets and smiled when you seen who the message was from.

Ony <3:

Go and read songs of Songs

4:7 and 10

You grabbed your Bible and cleared your throat before flipping through the pages. Once you found the Bible verse your eyes scanned over it and your face went hot. You started to smile really hard. You immediately grabbed a highlighter from your desk, where the Bible was previously sitting on and highlighted the verses

4:7-you are altogether beautiful, my darling,there is no flaw in you.

4:10- How delightful is your love,my sister,my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine. And the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice!

The way he complimented you was beyond compare. He was literally your dream boyfriend. You literally loved ony so much. You FaceTimed him,with your face in the camera just smiling.

Your chubby cheeks rose up having your cheek bones stick out. Ony answer it with a smile. “Wassup ma?” He answered as he drove. “You are so sweet.” He looked down at you and his golds were revealed. “I’m just telling you the truth,mama.” He said placing his phone on his lap as he continued to drive.

“I’m outside.” He said flashing you a smile,making his dimples deepen which made your cheeks go hot. “Imma be out in a bit I need to change my clothes.” You mumbled. “Lemme see whatchu wearing.” He said placing his car in park and giving you all of his attention. “Okay.” You said propping your phone up on your dresser and stepping back so that he could see your outfit. “What’s wrong with that mama?” His eyes full of confusion. You turned to the side showing off your lower belly. “This.” You pouted as continued to stare at it. “Y/n cut it out,you’re so gorgeous. The lord made you the way he made you. He finds you beautiful right along with me.”

“Stop thinking that your body looks bad,because it doesn’t.” Ony said staring at you in your eyes. Making sure that you heard what he said. “Okay?” He softly asked you. “Okay.” You softly spoke. “Speak up y/n, I wanna hear you say how beautiful you are.”

“I’m beautiful.” You said. “Again.” He simply said. “I’m beautiful.” You said this time actually believing yourself. “There we go mama.” He said.

“Now cmon for our food get cold.” Ony said whining. You just chuckled and slipped your feet into your slides and grabbing your cropped Jean jacket. You hung up and began to lock the door.

You made your way to his car with a smile on your face. He got out and smiled down at you. He opened his arms for you and you wrapped your arms around his stomach. His arms wrapped around your lower back. “Hiii my gorgeous girl.” He whispered pecking your forehead.

As the two of you hugged you could hear birds chirping,and airplanes flying around.

“Okay ready to go?” Ony asked walking you over to the passenger side and opening the door for you. “Yes.” You said smiling up at him.

Once the two of you were in the car it was a comfortable silence. “Y/n , you may see all these girls but you. You’re beyond compare.”

Hiii my babiesss! I tried something new and I like it :) did you like it? If you did I’m happy that you did!! You are so gorgeous, just as the Bible says. Whenever you think that you’re ugly remember that you’re the most beautiful thing in Gods eyes. Until my next post,see you soon babies🫶🏽.

[lumi-klovstad-games]

On Shadowheart's faith and how it mirrors my own (some heavy topical talk of religion and faith, FYI)

I've seen Shadowheart get dragged for her faith and her cagey-ness and unwillingness to talk about herself and especially her religion, and on the one hand, YES, she does worship a deity who wants to dissolve creation back into primordial darkness out of a petty and childish grudge. Like, that isn't nothing.

But when I hear Shadowheart talk about what her faith means to her, what this goddess who everyone else calls evil (and from our outside perspective, rightly so) means to her... to be honest, I hear my own spiritual journey in her words.

I was raised a Christian and now primarily worship Lilith, one of many names Christianity considers a straight up demon. But... because my family and community doesn't share that faith, I have to live in their world. So I've gotten practiced at keeping quiet about this fundamental part of myself, at playing the game with my cards close to the chest. When the topic of my faith comes up, I do my best to deflect the conversation or give a diplomatically worded non-answer, and yeah, I do get flustered and irritated when pressed if I didn't choose to reveal these details on my own. After all, one's faith is a DEEPLY personal thing, a core function of who they are that in many ways defines them.

While I have the wonder and the pleasure to know plenty of folks for whom my faith means exactly nothing, or is at most an unorthodox point of curiosity and vague interest, that's not how things started. The first few years after I found my own faith were.... rough. I wasn't sure who I could trust with that part of me, who I could trust to not ridicule me or accuse me of doing it for attention. I can only imagine what it would be like for Shadowheart to live life as part of a cult that is actively suppressed and hunted, where, in fact, "they" ARE in fact out to get her.

My divorce from my parent's god came when I was disillusioned as a teenager. The incredibly likable and charismatic pastor who had overseen my Confirmation had moved on to a new church, and I realized that when I prayed, there really wasn't... anything there. Nobody on the other end, or at least nobody interested enough to listen. I don't think Pastor Dan was a bad guy or a charlatan or anything. I think he really had meant to help. But in his effort to make his faith accessible/relevant, etc., he'd oversold it, and without his likability to reinforce things, I found myself in a reality that was significantly darker and less caring than I was led to expect, and I was left feeling that kind of alone you can only feel in a room full of people who don't even acknowledge you. I can't speak to whether the Christian God is real or not, only that it never once spoke to me in all my years of praying to it.

And while Shadowheart isn't remembering fully or accurately, and she has been manipulated by the Cult of Shar far more than she's initially ready to accept, that doesn't mean how she feels is incorrect. We are the sum of what we can remember, after all. Our feelings and opinions in large part are determined by what we have experienced and can recall. When she talks about what Shar specifically means to her, and how through Shar she found meaning in her moments of greatest darkness and pain, I get that. Like, that's literally where my faith was found: when I was at my lowest point, in a period of incredible darkness, self-harm and nearly worse. And in that moment of darkness, I had an experience: "I am not the one you prayed to, but I will help you, if you let me."

To say that was a transformative moment isn't doing it justice. It's the kind of moment that changes a life.

And that's what happened to Shadowheart, at least by her recollection, her truth. The objective truth in-game is of course more complicated and tells a much more dramatic story, but to be honest, Larian could have left it there and had Shadowheart's account be 100% correct and true and found some other way to use her faith to challenge her and it would have worked just as well, because Shadowheart's tale is a realistic one at its core: a lonely, suffering, desperate child finds a VERY unlikely savior. To boot, said savior is an incredibly dark being that others purely have cause to fear and mistrust, one not known for compassionate action. Of course Shadowheart plays it close to the chest. Of COURSE she assumes others won't trust her if they know more about her. All she's ever known of sharing her faith with outsiders has been fear, mistrust, and even persecution. Their experience with her goddess is so, SO incredibly different from hers, they literally cannot understand why she would find meaning in or be loyal to such a deity. I know what that's like because I've lived that, if to a far less extreme degree.

And it was SO NICE to have a character who made my lived experience feel seen — even if the writers DID pull the rug out from under me later, the fuckers.

[thejennidiaries]

Thoughts on Holy Week from a Fully Re-committed Christ Follower

Yesterday, Palm Sunday began the Holy Week tradition which is celebrated among Catholics and many Protestants. Holy Week is always commemorated the week before Resurrection Sunday, also known as Easter. Palm Sunday commemorates Jesus’ triumphant return to Jerusalem where He was greeted by crowds that waved palm branches along His path. Some of the same people who greeted Him were some of the same people who ordered His crucifixion several days later, on Good Friday.

Growing up as a non-Catholic, I didn’t pay much attention to Holy Week or what it symbolized. My grandmother and my parents did place emphasis on Good Friday, Resurrection Sunday, with a Saturday church service from the Adventist church we attended. The various Christian schools I attended K-12 always ensured our Spring Break reflected Good Friday, so I never had to “defend” my right to be off from school.

As a got older into adulthood, I strayed away from my faith and many times I can admit that I did not place as much spiritual meaning on this Holy Week/Weekend as I knew I should have. In fact (and I don’t know why I’m admitting this), I remember some “friends” having a kickback as we used to call it on Good Friday. I’ll spare you the details, but I do remember seeing a picture appears that I had a fun night, but looking back on it, it was clearly a night of brokenness. I would love admit that this was the one and only Saturday morning I’ve woken up hungover and hating myself and hating my life based on my actions of the previous night. This night was probably the beginning of a downward spiral for about 7 years or so of me, living duplicitously between living in my faith and being in the world. It was 7 years of parties, nightclubs, drunkenness, and regrets. Hanging out with “friends” who I didn’t really mesh with and I’m honestly not certain if they cared for me (I can say for certain that one did not like me at all, but that’s a story for another time). I kept trying to get out of this life, but sin kept pulling me in. I was overwhelmed with loneliness and I felt like damaged goods and that I was now too impure to return to the safe community of the church.

However, about 3 years ago, I got into a situation where all I could do is turn to Christ. I had no choice but to recommit my life to Him. I was struggling to fully regain my trust in God and then in between the rebuilding of my faith, a “friend” did something against me that could have ended very differently if it wasn’t for grace. I could have let that situation break what I was rebuilding, but it only made my faith stronger. However, it wasn’t until I went to a baptism recently that I truly “got it”.

I’ve been struggling with this concept of being a “good” Christian. Which now that I think about it, how does that truly exist? Multiple bible verses, including Romans 3:12 reminds us that none of us are good without Christ. I’ve been having the burden of my past on my shoulders and struggling to forgive myself and fully accept that Jesus has forgiven me for all the things that I have done against Him. When I went to this baptism recently, the pastor spoke a short message about being changed by Christ and the meaning of grace and it was like things finally clicked.

Over the past week or so, I have found so much freedom in living for Christ. Burden and shame are not of God—they are of Satan. Satan wants you to feel guilty for sins that have been confessed to Jesus and He has forgiven. Some Christian communities refer to guilt as conviction. Let me tell you if no one else had, guilt and conviction are two very different things. Conviction is to be led in a certain direction in a certain situation. Guilt is to continue to feel bad about your past long after you have confessed and have been forgiven for said trespass.

So long story short, as we continue Holy Week and enter into remembrance of Christ’s crucifixion on Friday. I hope you find and experience the freedom that was given to all of us when Christ died for us on the cross and that you can live authentically in the light and love that God has for you.  

[freakynct]

「 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝟐 」

— 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟏 | 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟑 —

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: church boy!mark, exhibitionism, degradation, praising, fingering and masturbation

“you really had to wear such a short dress, y/n?” your mom said with an angry look to her face as she rubbed her hand through the dress, trying to fix it and pull it down.

“mom will you stop? it's not even that short.” you fought back, pushing her hand away from you with an annoyed grunt, rolling your eyes.

the sky was blue and clear but the air felt dry and intensely hot, burning on your legs and arms. luckily that was the last thing bothering you right now as you scanned through all the people waiting outside of the church, engaging in cheerful conversations and adorning big smiles on their faces. all but you. you had been waiting for approximately 10 minutes but you couldn’t seem to find mark anywhere. you even noticed some of the friends he normally hung around with talking next to the stairs but he wasn't anywhere near. you were starting to get disappointed since the only thing that made these masses interesting was mark. and you would be lying if you said you hadn’t been extremely horny these past few days thinking about last time you were with him.

“y/n!” your mom called ahead of you. “you always got your head in the clouds, c’mon, the mass is starting.” you rolled your eyes and walked behind your family, dragging your feet until you were inside of the tall cold building where everyone was taking their seat. “you’re sitting with us today.” your mom spoke again, grabbing your arm but you were quick to set it free.

“no! i always sit with my friends.” you talked back, annoyance evident in your voice but your attitude was pushed back as soon as you saw your dad appear behind your mom.

“that’s exactly why. you always sit in the back and you spend the whole time talking and never pay any attention to what the pastor is saying.” his voice was low but stern and all you could do was cross your arms in disagreement and divert your gaze away from him. “so drop that attitude and don’t talk to your mother like that. now sit.” was the last thing he said before he sat down on the wooden bench but suddenly a familiar voice interrupted the heated family discussion.

“y/n can sit with me.” you almost froze at the voice right behind you, feeling his body dangerously close to yours. “i’ll make sure she pays attention and listens to everything my father says.”

you finally had the courage to look and face the boy standing behind you. his eyes that were once focused on your parents slowly looked at you and you noticed a small smile forming on his lips.

“oh lord, no.” your mom said, her expression completely changing and a nervous laugh falling from her lips. “that’s not necessary and we don’t want our daughter to cause you any trouble, mark” she patted his arm friendly but he just continued smiling at her.

“it won’t be any trouble at all, mrs. y/l/n. i insist.” you noticed you had been silent this whole time, quite frankly not even knowing what to do or say and you decided that was probably the best thing to do.

“well... if you insist then i guess there’s no problem. right y/d/n?” she turned to your dad for his opinion and he just nodded and smiled back at mark.

“sure. mark is a good kid and he’ll make sure she listens this time, won’t you son?” your dad said vividly.

“of course, sir. and i already know what sermon my father will give today so i can explain and help y/n if she doesn’t understand something.” you almost jumped when you felt mark’s hand on your lower back, and despite the simple touch, shivers went down your body all the way to your core.

“then go ahead, son. the mass is about to start.” was the last words your dad spoke before both your parents sat back down and mark pulled you with him by your waist. 

he kept his hand firmly against your back and at this point none of you had spoken to each other yet and the silence was killing you. he brought you all the way to the back and to the last benches, away from everyone, and you finally set down as his dad took the stand in front of the church and the loud angelic music started echoing through the thick walls. you finally found the courage to look at him but his gaze was fixed on the ceremony, however you still noticed the slight smirk on his lips. you looked down at your hands that played nervously with the hem of your dress until your attention was brought back to mark.

“you’re not gonna say anything?” he spoke low, his eyes still not looking at you and although the temperature inside the church was cooler, you still felt your body burning inside.

“why did you wanna sit with me?” you whispered, focusing your gaze on the small little mole on his neck.

“you always make the most obvious questions, baby.” he chuckled and you felt your heart beating faster at the sound of the petname but you couldn’t help but look away embarrassed. it was obvious. you kept your eyes down and suddenly his hand appeared in front of you, a piece of white fabric sitting between his fingers and your eyes widened as you realized what that was. “you still want this?” you quickly looked at him and this time he was staring back at you, the smirk on his lips more prominent this time and you could tell he found this amusing. you tried to grab your panties from his hand but he was quicker to move them away, shoving them back inside the pocket of his jeans. “they’re mine now.” he licked his lips and gave you a cocky smile, staring back at you. “and i’ve been having a lot of fun with them.” you felt your cheeks burning and you were suddenly too shy to look at him. you heard him softly laughing to himself at your reaction and you couldn’t help but feel your core throbbing at the thought of mark using your panties to help him masturbate which only added more to your embarrassment. 

you focused on the pastor but not on his words, you tried paying attention but all you could hear were mark’s words echoing inside your head. you almost jumped when you felt his hand being placed on the inside of your thigh, warm and soft.

“did you think about me too?” you felt goosebumps all over your body as mark whispered in your ear, so close that you could hear his breathing, a lot more steady than yours at this point. you felt his hand moving higher on your thigh. “did you touch yourself thinking about me?” his voice was raspy and his lips that were once close to your ear now moved lower to place a wet kiss on your neck and you couldn’t help but close your eyes at the feeling. “i know you did.” he placed another kiss on your cheek. “you’re a little slut and that’s what sluts do.” he whispered back in your ear and you clenched your thighs together in impulse, subsequently causing him to chuckle, his hand now squeezed between your legs.

“mark…” you whispered and it was obvious how weak your voice was compared to his, and you still couldn’t force yourself to look at him.

“shhh.” was all he said. “open your legs, baby.” he whispered and you looked around you first. everyone was still looking ahead, too focused on the mass to even notice anything going on between you two, the closest people to you sitting about 2 benches over.

you felt nervous with so many people around you but you couldn’t ignore the burning feeling between your legs any longer and something about this was exciting and new. you felt mark’s hand squeezing your thigh and that was your queue to slowly part your legs.

“open more.” he whispered again and you nervously looked at him but his smirk was gone and a more stern expression now took place in his face. “do it. now.” his voice was steady and strong although his words were only audible to you. you did as he said and you parted your legs even more, your dress coming up with it. “good girl.” it didn’t take long till his smirk was back on his lips, his hand moving slowly up your thigh and getting dangerously close to where you wanted him more. your eyes closed for a second as his fingers brushed over the fabric of your panties ever so slightly but it was enough to make you crave even more. 

“please…” you begged quietly, your hand now holding his arm.

“please what?” he asked as his fingers brushed against the fabric one more time.

“please touch me.” you were starting to feel impatient, your fingers squeezing his bicep in frustration but he just laughed it off and you almost let a moan escape your lips as he started working circles on your clit through the fabric.

“i am touching you, princess.” he said back, his face still close to you, his breath warm against your ear.

“no.” you whined. “i want your fingers… inside me.” you whispered, your head falling on his shoulder as you kept your eyes shut, focusing on not moaning out from the pleasure but your breathing was starting to get heavy.

“right here? you want me to finger you in front of all these people, hm?” you didn’t need to look at him to know he had the cockiest smirk on his face right now. his finger pushed your panties aside and you almost whined as you felt him finally touching your skin, going back to drawing circles on your clit. “you’re so wet, baby. you wanna cum so bad, don’t you?” 

you quickly nodded your head, whispering an almost inaudible “yes” as he started moving his fingers down your core and soon enough he was pushing two of his fingers inside you. you moaned against his shoulder and your thighs clenched around his hand which made him stop his movements.

“you have to be quiet. you don’t want people finding out how much of a slut you are, do you princess? or is that what you really want? people to see you cum around my fingers? hm?” even tho you shook your head no, mark could still feel you clenching around his fingers and that amused him. “look at me.” you slowly raised your head and your eyes stared back at him shyly, almost closing as he started moving his fingers inside you again, a gasp falling from your lips. “are you gonna be a good girl and keep quiet?” you nodded your head and your teeth sank into your bottom lip and this time you couldn’t look away from him, his brown eyes hypnotizing you somehow as his fingers picked up pace, and without even noticing your own hand went down to circle at your clit which caught even mark by surprise but he wasn’t disappointed. “fuck, you’re so hot.” he whispered and at this moment it was as if even mark lost control of things, his lips meeting yours in a passionate and messy kiss, causing you to let go of a quiet moan and it was as if that brought mark back to life again, his eyes scanning the room to see if anyone was looking.

“m-mark... i’m gonna c-cum.” he looked back at you again, his bottom lip stuck between his teeth and he moved his fingers faster, looking down and watching as you moved yours on your clit and he couldn’t ignore the pressure in his pants anymore, but that would have to be dealt with later. 

soon enough you were throwing your head back on mark’s shoulder and he was quick to place his free hand over your mouth, preventing you from moaning out as you came around his fingers, your body squirming from the pleasure. when he saw that it was safe he removed both of his hands from you and you gasped for air, your head still resting on his shoulder and your eyes still closed. mark took a piece of paper from his pocket and cleaned his fingers. you were startled when you heard the loud bells of the church ringing and all the commotion from people getting up and picking up their stuff. you lifted your head from mark’s shoulder and quickly fixed your messy hair, panties and dress as you heard mark chuckling beside you. you noticed some people looking at both of you as they walked by but no one seemed to know what had happened. that didn’t prevent you from blushing though, as you realized what you had done in such a holy place. mark got up and so did you. your legs felt a bit weak but you had to pull through, especially as you saw your parents approach you.

“we’re not done yet.” was the last thing you heard from mark before he greeted your parents again.

“how did she do?” your dad laughed but mark’s expression seemed serious.

“actually i noticed y/n has some difficulties.” your eyes widened at what he was saying and you looked at him in surprise but he didn’t return the look, continuing the conversation with your parents that now looked really upset and really concerned which was never good for you. “don’t get me wrong, your daughter is a very nice girl but she struggles to understand some of the concepts and gets distracted easily.” you couldn’t believe what you were hearing. was he trying to get you in trouble or something? you were fuming inside and you were already preparing the speech you were gonna give him after all this, but the look your mom gave you made you more concerned about the one you were gonna get instead. “i was thinking that maybe i could have some bible study sessions with her. i already do it for some of the younger kids but i wouldn’t mind doing it with y/n, if that’s something you’re interested in.” it baffled you how polite he spoke in front of your parents when he had been calling you a slut just minutes before.

“mark that’s so nice of you, you’re such a good kid.” you rolled your eyes at the big smile your mom gave him. “but we don’t wanna bother you with our daughter.” you frowned as your mom gave you a disappointed look.

“not at all. it would be my pleasure to help her and it would make my father happy as well.” he gave them a warm smile that was quickly returned.

“if i had a son like you i would be very proud too.” your dad laughed, squeezing the back of mark’s neck in a playful way but the look of horror in his face almost made you burst out laughing.

“y/d/n, let the kid go.” your mom intervened, pulling your dad by his arm. “mark, how much would you want for the sessions?” she asked with a big smile on her face.

“oh nothing mrs. y/ln. i do it for free.” he replied but he was quickly interrupted by your dad.

“nonsense! we must pay you something.” 

“it really isn’t necessary, i don’t charge any other parents for it. i’m simply doing it to spread knowledge and to help out.” you almost puked at so much politeness. 

“why don’t you come over to lunch with us at our house today? you could start your lessons after.” your mom suggested and that was the first time mark looked at you, a smirk on his face as he saw the angry look on yours, turning back to your parents proud of what he had achieved.

“i would love to.”

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

(TW: Religion) 

My dear lgbt+ kids, 

A question I got on this blog multiple times is how I align my religion with my identity as a lgbt+ person. 

I always felt like I’m not the best one to answer that as I had it pretty easy compared to a lot of other religious lgbt+ people I know. I never had that experience of going to church and hearing the preacher talk about gay people going to hell. 

In fact, one of the preachers I grew up with was gay himself. He said he lost his wife at an early age and after that traumatic experience he became gay, God understands that and forgives him. It’s not exactly what I believe nowadays (I don’t believe that God needs to “forgive” him for that and instead that it was Gods plan for him all along, he was meant to love his wife back then and he is meant to love his husband now). But regardless, I grew up with the message that God can forgive you for being gay. 

It probably also helped that we weren’t biblical Christians. I was always taught to think about the bible as something humans wrote - inspired by God, sure, but ultimately the result of human hands and therefore flawed. The hateful parts of the bible are just the stuff humans added, it has nothing to do with God. 

This made it pretty easy for little me to align belief in God and belief in my own romantic feelings - why would a loving, forgiving God hate me for loving girls and boys? 

Of course as I got older, I got exposed to different people and beliefs, and realized that our definition of Christianity wasn’t universal. I heard and read some things that did shake me and made me worry - but overall, my experience was much tamer than those of many lgbt+kids in biblical Christian households. I always had a strong trust in Gods love to fall back on... and always had positive experiences when God spoke to me personally.

This is also not something everyone will agree with but it’s a big part of my faith: I have heard God speak to me muliple times in my life, sometimes in words, sometimes in signs. It has always been a very comforting experience that made me feel so loved and protected and happy in a way that is really hard to compare to anything else. 

One vivid memory of this is me sitting in the bathtub and crying. This was long before I came out as trans, I hadn’t even fully come out to myself yet and I think I didn’t know the word “body dsyphoria” back then but well, it was a bad dsyphoria day. I sat there and cried over my naked body and just hated myself. I started praying and told God that I am so sorry for hating my body and I know He made me a girl but sometimes I wish I could be a boy instead and I am so sorry for disrespecting Him like that. 

While I heard about God forgiving gay people, I never heard about Him forgiving trans people. The existence of trans people was never talked much about at all but if they were brought up, I always heard about disrespect towards God. Destroying His creation, offending Him by implying He made a mistake, all that stuff. I don’t think anyone ever said that to my face or that they said it on purpose to scare me away from exploring my identity but anyway, it did scare me away from it. 

And so I sat in the bathtub and bawled my eyes out - and heard a little laugh inside of my head and His voice saying “If only you knew how little I care about that”. This may not sound all that sweet in text but in that moment, it lifted all my worries off me. I actually started laughing, too. God doesn’t care about all that silly “destroying His creation” stuff at all! He doesn’t think about it as disrespect, He laughs at that thought because it’s not how He feels about trans people at all. 

So, how did I align my religion and my identity? Maybe I was just lucky. I was lucky enough to go to a pretty gay-friendly church as a kid, lucky enough to have parents that taught me that God loves and forgives. But most of all, I think I got lucky to actually experience godly love, to have this strong connection to God from childhood on. Maybe if I didn’t know our gay preacher or if I had been told that the homophobic parts of the bible are true, I wouldn’t have been “open” to receive that eye-opening (and quite frankly, life-saving!) message in the bathtub. 

I can’t wite a “How to” guide on it because your experience growing up as a religious lgbt+ kid may have been totally different. Your beliefs may not even match up with mine. And yet, I hope this may give you a little hope <3 

With all my love, 

Your Tumblr Dad 

[supernaturallyobsessedchic]

The Little Girl

[Gif credit to @vinylackles]

Square: Never Been Kissed ( @supernatural-jackles tell me a story bingo)

Pairing: Jensen x adopted!child!reader

Summary: The Reader is adopted by Jensen and his family after a tragic event in her life. Soon after being adopted, she begins to learn what a family really does.

Warnings: Angsty-ish, child abuse/neglect (implied?), religion is mentioned in here (if you have your own belief, that’s fine we’re all different. It’d be boring if we’re the same.), there will be feels in this both fluffy and sad. You might have happy tears, who knows. Song inspired fic, song fic since the lyrics are in this.

Word Count: 1,840

Bingo Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Mobile Masterlist

a/n: Inspired by the song The Little Girl by John Montgomery. I can’t italicize the lyrics; it’d look a bit weird and mess with the flow of your reading.

a/n2: probably not what one would expect for a “never been kissed” square. But I kept hitting a block with the typical, and this one came to me. Hope ya’ll enjoy nonetheless. :3

~

Her parents never took her to church. Never spoke of his name, never even told her of his word.

Her parent’s weren’t really believers. Her dad drank all day, her mom did drugs. Every night her dad would go out drinking. Her mom would be passed out in the chair as Y/N sat on the couch watching TV.

They never wanted to play. Or give kisses and hugs.

And the drinking and the fighting, just got worse every night.

Behind their couch, she’d be hiding. Praying for it all to stop.

And like it always does, the bad got worse. With every slap, and every curse.

Until her dad in a drunk rage one night, used a gun on her mom. And then took his life.

Some people from the city, took the girl far away. To a new mom and a new dad.

. . .

The caseworker drove young little Y/N up to her new home.

“This family is going to be good to you.”

“Not like my old family?”

“Nothing like them, they’re new parents to one of their own kids. And once they heard your story, they wanted you.”

She sat in the back seat, smiling, wondering how it was going to be like? Who her mom and dad were?

He pulled up to the house, parking it and turning off the car. He gets out to get her things from the trunk, and he stops by her door to help her out.

She picked up her backpack, and turned to see a fancy house.

Suddenly feeling nervous, she swallowed and mustered up whatever courage she had and followed her caseworker to the house.

The caseworker rang the doorbell.

She could faintly hear a women on the other side. “She’s here.”

She sounded excited.

The door opened, she found a man, a woman and small girl standing before her.

“Hi, Chris?” the man asked.

“Yes, you must be Jensen?”

“I am, this is my wife Danneel and my four year old daughter JJ.” Jensen says, introducing his family. “This must be Y/N?”

She nods, shying behind the caseworker.

“It’s okay sweetie, you’re safe here. This is your new home?” Jensen says, getting down to her level.

“How about we have a little tour, warm up to your new family?” Chris, her caseworker suggests.

The little girl nodded, following Chris inside the house as Jensen showed her around.

 That night, dinner went off without a hitch. Sure she was quiet, but she was still a bit shy. But now it was the time for her and her new little sister to go off to bed.

She gone off to her room, getting her night gown on. Heading to her bathroom that her and JJ shared. Danneel helping JJ make sure she was brushing her teeth alright, Y/N grabbed her toothbrush and began cleaning her teeth.

Danneel taking a hairbrush she brushed the girls’ hair.

She could see Y/N tense. She didn’t know what she was doing at first. Danneel continued to brush her hair, cautiously.

She could see her relax as she continued to brush.

“Your parents never did this, did they?” she asked kindly.

Y/N shaking her head as she brushed her teeth.

Danneel held back warm tears that threatened to surface.

What else have these parents not done for her? she wondered.

Once they’ve finished they went off to their respected rooms. Danneel walking JJ to her room, JJ wanting a story. Y/N headed to her room.

She was about to get herself settled when Jensen and Danneel entered.

“Busy day so far, huh?” Danneel asked.

She nods. “mm-hmm.” She hummed quietly.

“Tomorrow we can have a lazy day, all four of us, just relax and maybe even play outside a little bit. The weather’s supposed to be nice.” Jensen says.

“What do you play?” she asks innocently.

“We could do, tag, or hide and seek, or whatever JJ comes up with.” Jensen chuckles.

“Could you teach me?”

“You never played before?” Jensen asked.

She shook her head innocently.

Jensen’s jaw clenched as he fought back tears of his own.

“We’ll teach ya tomorrow. It’ll be fun.” He says with a smile.

Bending over he gives her a sweet kiss atop her head. Danneel following suit.

She laid there staring up at them with wide eyes.

“Get some sleep sweetheart, you had a busy day.” Jensen says, brushing her hair from her face.

Y/N nodded. Feeling herself grow sleepy, she let her eyes fall closed.

Jensen and Danneel smiled softly as they shut her light off, left her door open slightly letting the hall light in. And went back down to the living room.

 It was getting close to Jensen and Danneel to head to bed themselves.

Just as he shut the TV off they heard a sniffle from the dark hallway. Seeing their new daughter stand in the hall, holding her blanket as she rubbed the tears from her eyes.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” Danneel asked.

“What’s got you crying?” Jensen follows up, as they both got up to go to her.

“Bad dream.” She cries.

“Everything’s okay sweetheart, you’re safe.” Jensen consoles, rubbing up and down her arm.

The little girl nods but couldn’t stop crying as a slight tremble shook through her. Jensen felt it.

Jensen without hesitation picked her up, holding her close. Walked back to the couch, sitting down with her in his lap.

“What are you doing?” the little girl asked?

“You never been cuddled before?”

She shook her head against Jensen’s chest.

He only held her tighter.

“Well I’m holding you, making you feel safe. It’s something parents should do to help their kids feel safe after a nightmare, being scared, or even if their kid is having a bad day.”

She nods against him.

Danneel sat beside Jensen, sandwiching the little girl between them.

“It wouldn’t hurt to stay up just a little bit longer.” She says.

Jensen nodding as he places a comforting kiss atop their daughter’s head.

 The little girl slowly adjusted to her new family. Getting kisses and hugs every night. Even getting one from her little sister.

Fourth of July with the family was a struggle for a moment. The loud noises sounding an awful lot like gun fire.

She ran inside, crying.

JJ the only one noticing. She followed her big sister into the house. Finding her behind a couch in the family room, crying.

“Sissy what’s wrong?” JJ asked.

“It’s like the night my mom and dad died. It sounds like the gun he used.”

“Your daddy used a gun?”

Y/N nodded tearfully.

“Well our daddy is not like that. Come on sissy, come back outside.” JJ tells her. encouraging her to come with her. Only to get a fearful shake of her sister’s head. And more tears.

She let out a fearful sob.

JJ took it upon herself to comfort her big sister. She got behind the couch with her, sitting in front of her, she kissed the top of her sisters head while cradling it. Having short arms she couldn’t wrap her sister in her arms not like how her dad does.

“JJ?” Jensen calls. “Y/N?”

The stifled cries from Y/N gave them away.

Jensen found the couch where she hid, to find JJ holding Y/N’s head in a hug.

“What’s wrong?”

“Sissy’s scared of the fireworks.”

Jensen having the gut feeling he knew why she was.

“Why are you scared honey?” He asks anyway.

“It sounds like his gun.” She says with her head on her knees.

Jensen’s heart sank.

“It’s okay honey, we’ll get you through this. How about you hang out inside for a bit. Okay?”

Y/N nodded.

“We can play in here, or we can watch movies in the movie room?”

“Okay.” She says. JJ and Y/N getting up to the movie room and watching movies.

 The little girl made so many friends at her new school. One of her friends took her to church one Sunday for the first time.

Sitting in Sunday school, the teacher walked in.

The little girl saw a picture of Jesus on the cross.

“I know that man, up there on the cross.” She says.

“Oh?” the teacher asks.

She nods. “He was there in my old house, and he held me close to his side. As I hid there behind our couch, the night my parents died.”

She told the teacher her story. Her old mom and dad, tainted with sin, neglecting her.

“But everything is fine now. My new mom and dad, they give me kisses and hugs every day. We play almost every day. Dad plays on TV; he plays a guy who fights monsters with his brother. My dad is a hero.”

“What about your new mom?”

“She brushes my hair every night, her and dad make me feel safe. She’s dad’s sidekick.”

Some kids giggled. The teacher even chuckled.

“That’s sweet honey, how about for the first bit of class, we draw our superheroes. It could be Christ Himself, or your parents. Let’s do that and you can take it home to show everyone.”

The teacher let the kids be and draw away.

 Y/N’s friend’s parent’s dropped her off back home.

“How was church honey?” Danneel asked as she waited outside for her.

“It was good, we drew our superheroes in Sunday school.” She says holding up a picture. Drawn in crayon and marker.

Jensen walked through the door outside, stepping beside Danneel wrapping an arm around her.

“How as church kiddo?”

“Good, I was telling mom I drew my superheroes.” She says.

Jensen peered over Danneel’s shoulder. Seeing the same drawing.

Of stick figures, one with Dad under it, wearing a cape with an S on it. Symbolizing Superman.

He saw another stick figure, the word Mom under it. Wore a skirt and a cape with a S on it as well.

Under the both of their stick figures, she wrote in big letters as big as they would fit on the paper, Thank you.

Jensen walked around, picking up Y/N, hugging her close. Danneel joining in the hug as she hugged her and Jensen as close as she could.

“We love you so much sweetheart, and you’re most welcome.” Jensen says, holding back the tears.

She smiled against him as her parents held her close.

At first growing up, she never knew what it was like to be loved, to be given a kiss or a hug. To be cuddled, or let alone held in a loving and cuddling way.

Now she doesn’t have to worry about another fight. She doesn’t have to worry about her dad going off drinking, when he’s always home with his family. She doesn’t have to worry about her mom doing drugs to get through the day, when her mom just needs to see her girls smile, to hear her girls laugh to make her day better. 

~

a/n: Did you cry? Here are some virtual tissues, I cried too hun. How’d you like it, let me know! Feedback is always appreciated!

Jensen Girls:

@luci-in-trenchcoats, @supernatural-jackles, @becs-bunker, @jayankles, @jeaniespiehs20, @winchesters-favorite-girl, @mlovesstories, @moonlight-on-her-skin, @backseat-of-deans-67chevy, @salt-n-burn-em-all, @lyarr24, @akshi8278

Dean Girls:

@flamencodiva, @anotherspnfanfic, @megzdoodle, @misfit0118​

~

Copying and reposting someone else’s content is plagiarism and illegal. This work is property of supernaturallyobsessedchic. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. These works contain material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of these works may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher. An electronic reference link to the original posted work may be provided for purposes of promotion or assistance of publication by the readers discretion, if proper credits are given to the author in the re-post. 4/11/2021

[watchyourbluesturngolden]

Can you please do one where y/n tells Harry that she’s bi, harry’s supportive but then she tells him that he’s the only one who knows bc she scared her parents would find out and do something bc they are very homophobic?? Plssss plss

I tried to make this as accurate as I could, but I am not a member of the LGBT+ community, so I’m really sorry if this isn’t an accurate portrayal!

bisexual

warnings: anxiety, coming out, mentions of homophobia

word count: 1.3k

You had to tell him. You knew you had to tell him. You just didn't know what to say. How do you even start a conversation like that? "Hey Harry, by the way, I like men- and women?" Maybe not like that. Or, actually, maybe just like that. Maybe it would be better to just say it fast? No beating around the bush. Just go for it. You knew he would be supportive. You knew he wouldn't look at you any differently. Still, you couldn't manage to shove your nerves down.

And it wasn't just Harry. There was also the matter of your family. Your very conservative family who definitely wouldn't accept this part of you. You could already hear their responses if you were ever to tell them. "Oh, Y/N, you're not bisexual. It's wrong, and we raised you better than this. What will our friends think? What will the church think?" You really didn't need to deal with that, not when you were having a hard enough time understand it on your own. You didn't need the added confusion and judgement and intolerance you knew your family would give you. Nonetheless, you didn't know how much longer you could keep this hidden from everyone. It felt like you were lying to the people you loved. You didn't care as much about your family not knowing; you knew they wouldn't be accepting anyways. But you hated that you were keeping this from Harry. So finally, you decided to get it over with. You felt the anxiety twisting in your stomach every time you saw him, wondering if now was the time. You knew it would only get worse the longer you kept it in, so you needed to get it off your chest, and soon. You were pulled out of your spiraling thoughts when the front door slammed open. You were on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, deep in thought and staring at the paused episode of Grey's Anatomy as you chewed on your bottom lip. You had stopped the episode almost an hour ago, because you couldn't focus on anything. You had decided that today was the day to tell Harry. It was the perfect time, you thought. Things had been really good between you lately. Harry wasn't too stressed at work, and neither were you. Anyways, what's that saying? There's no time like the present. "Hi baby!" Harry chirped, sauntering into the living room. He leaned over the back of the couch, putting his arms around your shoulders as he kissed your cheek. "Hi," you squirmed away from him, giggling as his hair tickled the side of your face when he moved closer to you. Harry took it upon himself to flip over the back of the couch, landing next to you (and partly on top of you) with a clumsy movement. It took a few moments of shuffling and laughing as he tried not to hit you with his lanky arms or legs, but he finally settled himself with his head in your lap. "How was your day?" He looked up at you with a lazy grin. "Good," you smiled down at him, threading your fingers through his messy hair. "How was yours?" "Also good," he closed his eyes at the soothing feeling of your fingers. "I got a lot done. Might have some new songs for you to hear soon." "Really?" You asked excitedly. You were one of the first people who got to hear the finished products, and it was such a special feeling for both of you. "Mhm," he nodded. "I think you're really going to like one of them." "I think I'm really going to like all of them," you corrected. "Right," he laughed. "That's what I meant." The two of you lapsed into a comfortable silence, your fingers still stroking through his hair as he breathed softly. After a few minutes, he opened his eyes to look up at you again. "You can start your show again if you want." Harry acted like he didn't care about the show, but you both knew he was into it. He got really involved and you definitely saw him crying during a few of the main character deaths. "Oh- that's ok, I wasn't really watching anyways." "No?" You shook your head, looking away from him when he sat up. He turned to face you, resituating so your legs were on his lap. "Why not?" "Just thinking," you said, looking down at your fingers. He followed your gaze, sighing softly when he saw you were picking at your cuticles, a telltale sign of anxiety for you. "About?" he questioned gently, using his hands to pull yours apart. He did this whenever he saw you picking at your skin, and it make your heart squeeze every time.  "I kind of... I have to tell you something," you said, inhaling a shaky breath. "What's up?" He ducked his head down to meet your gaze. His features filled with concern when he saw how your eyes were filling up with

tears. "What is it? Did something happen?" You shook your head, wiping your sleeve over your eyes quickly. "No- well, not really." "Not really? Are you ok?" "I'm- it's not... bad," you tried to reassure him, but the terrified look on your face was probably not very convincing. You took another deep breath, trying to slow your heart which at this point was pounding out of your chest. You felt sick with nerves when you finally looked up at Harry. "You- you have to promise me something." "Of course, baby, anything," he said, clasping your hands in his. "Promise me you won't... you won't think less of me, o-or love me less." "Of course I won't love you less," he leaned closer, and the look on his face was heartbreaking. He looked almost as upset as you. "Please, just tell me what's wrong?" "It's just- I've been thinking, for a long time now," you began, looking down at your intertwined hands when his gaze got too intense. "And I think- I think I'm bisexual," you whispered. You could almost feel the tension melting away from his body. "That's what you were so scared to tell me?" He asked gently. You nodded, still avoiding his eyes. "Baby," he ducked his head to look at you. You lifted your own, finally meeting his gaze. "Why did you think I would love you less because of that?" You shrugged, attempting to swallow the lump in your throat as more tears filled your eyes and your vision blurred. "Come here," he said soothingly, pulling you into his arms. You didn't even try to hold your tears back anymore, instead just letting them flow out onto his shirt as you wrapped your arms around his neck. He held you close, rocking back and forth gently as you cried. His heartbeat was the most comforting thing you had heard in a long time. Once you finally calmed down a bit, he pressed a kiss to the top of your head. "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this," he spoke softly, not loosening his grip on you. "I'm sorry you were so scared to tell me. Did you think I would be upset or something?" "No," your voice shook slightly with the remnants of your crying. "Not really. But my parents will be, and everyone else in my family. They'll tell me I'm wrong, and that they're disappointed in me, and... they won't love me anymore," your voice trailed off as you thought through all the possibilities. "I'm sorry," he sighed. "That's awful." You nodded. "Which is why you can't tell anyone," you looked up. "You're the only one who knows, because they genuinely might disown me," you said, fear evident in your voice. "Of course I won't say anything," he soothed, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. "It's not for me to tell." You nodded again, smiling slightly when he thumbed away a stray tear on your cheek. "Thank you for being so supportive." "Of course, lovie," he smiled. "You can always talk to me, okay? You can always tell me anything, because I will always love you."

[ssa-babygirl]

Out of my League [Part 6]

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Single mom!Reader

Word count: 3.3k

Summary: JJ gives you some bad news and Spencer feels like he’s only making matters worse. For both of you.

Warning(s): Angst, mentions of grief and death, allusions to relapse, swearing, mentions of drinking, this is lowkey a mess so i may have missed a couple of warnings

Author’s Note: IT’S HERE!!!! YAY!!! that’s the happiest you’re gonna be all chapter. The next one may take a bit of time and i am SORRY for that because this may or may not have a sorta cliffhanger you should just read it to find out!! also heads up there are a lot of perspective changes later on please just imagine how it would be cut together in a movie that’s how i wrote it OK ENJOY DON’T BE MAD JUST TRUST ME OK??

[Previous Part] [Series Masterlist]

Washington, D.C., 2011

(Reader POV)

You’d gone to three different funerals since moving to D.C. Three more than you would have liked, obviously, no one ever really wants to go to a funeral.

The first had been your father’s. You had Jamie and your mom, but you needed Spencer. He was out on a case and you couldn’t blame him for not being there, but he made up for it a million times over. Your dad’s death wasn’t unexpected, and while it hurt to say goodbye, it was relatively easy to move on.

The second had been for Aaron’s ex-wife, Haley. You didn’t really know her, but Aaron was your friend and you wanted to support him. That and Jamie got along very well with Jack, acting almost as an older cousin, and you know how important family is when you lose a parent.

The third and most recent funeral was the worst one: Emily’s. She was there one day, raring to go and take on the world, gone the next. 

The day you found out was just terrible. JJ had called you herself to tell you. You managed to stay calm until you hung up, when you practically threw your phone onto the kitchen table and collapsed into a chair, tears pouring down your face as silent sobs wracked your body.

Jamie ran in at the sound of you crying, “Mom? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

You shook your head, unable to speak. Jamie wordlessly wrapped his arms around your shoulders and held you as you struggled to regain your voice. When you could finally breathe and relay the news you just received, you choked out, “Aunt Emily died last night.”

Then Jamie started crying too. He curled up into your shoulder and sobbed into your shirt, soaking you to the skin, almost like he was little again. You crumbled at the sound of his whines and cries. Every part of your chest ached with the weight of your grief. 

“What happened to her?” He finally whimpered.

“She has a dangerous job,” You didn’t even notice the tense you used, “A bad man was after her.”

“Well, is everyone else okay? What about Uncle Derek? What about Doc—”

“Everyone else is fine, baby, no one else was hurt. Doc’s fine.”

You sat still for God knows how long, silent, clutching each other like a lifeline, praying this was all just a dream and that you’d get a call from Emily telling you it was all some sick joke. Of course, you’d be furious with JJ, but at least there wouldn’t be a hole in your family where Emily had once been. 

Your mother came over to help you cook, the same role you had taken years prior while your father was sick. She consoled you and Jamie for the next two days and then drove you to the funeral. You got out of the car and walked in silence to the church, clutching Jamie’s hand as you entered. 

Aaron was the first at the door. He wasn’t one for hugs, but when he saw you, exhausted and barely standing, he pulled you and Jamie in tight. The hug was brief, but it helped, God, did it help. Dave was just behind him, and he didn’t hesitate. He ruffled Jamie’s hair and gave you a kiss on both cheeks. JJ was holding Henry in the corner, and Will gave you a weak smile. Derek and Penelope were holding one another, both shaking as they cried. Your grip on Jamie’s hand grew tighter, tighter, tighter until you saw him.

You then dropped Jamie’s hand as you ran over, arms open wide as your son followed close behind, “Spence--”

He returned your hug instantly, burying his face in your hair, “I’m sorry I didn’t call--”

You felt Jamie join the hug, but you kept your head buried in Spencer’s chest, “No, I’m sorry too, I didn’t know what to do.”

“Me neither.” He pulled away, wiping away some tears and sniffling, “I’ve just been holed up in my room reading Vonnegut all for the past three days.”

Of course, “What books?”

“Mostly Slaughterhouse-Five, it was her--”

“Her favorite,” You nodded as you spoke the last part in unison with him.

“Yeah. I read it out loud just…” His voice cracked and the words looked painful to get out, “Just in case she could hear me.”

Your heart broke imagining him wrapped in blankets, eyes rimmed red as they glazed over the worn-out pages. You ached at the thought of his voice cracking just as it did before as he read for hours and hours, begging the universe to let Emily hear him, “She did. And she loved it.”

“I just hope she didn’t realize I was crying,” he muttered, and it shattered you, “She wouldn’t want us to cry for her.”

“You’re right, but I know she’d be unbelievably offended if we didn’t cry just a little bit,” Spencer’s tearful smile was enough to make you feel slightly better. There was still hope.

Your mom took Jamie home after the wake, knowing that you needed time with the team to feel like a person again. You went home with Spencer. He shouldn’t have to be alone anymore.

“You’re really good at taking care of me,” he smiled weakly, sipping the tea you made for him.

“Yeah, I had a good teacher.” Your mother was always there when you lost someone. You had your ups and downs, but she was a good mom.

“Does it get easier? Losing someone?”

“No. It always hurts just as bad,” you sigh, “But moving on used to be a lot harder.”

“Do you still miss him?”

“Of course I do, but less than I used to.” You still talked to your dad sometimes, something you did as a kid when he wasn’t home, just telling him about your day or narrating what you were doing. Even after all these years, you still found yourself explaining to no one that you had to run to store and buy bread to make Jamie’s lunch.

“I see little pieces of him everywhere I go. Jamie has the same exact smile. His favorite book when he was little was the same one my dad read to me. No one ever really leaves. Family, friends, they stick with us.”

“I’ve never lost a friend before. When Gideon left, I knew he was out there. Same with Elle. I could have Garcia find them right now and call them up to see how they’re doing, but Emily--” his voice cracked too much for him to want to continue, so he dropped it altogether.

“Did I ever tell you about my college roommate, Juliet?”

“No.”

“We were best friends. We did everything together: Movie nights, parties, all that. The night of our last final senior year, we decided to go clubbing to celebrate.”

You told him the whole story. The drinking, the dancing, the guy. You don’t remember his name, but you remember trusting him. He was sweet and Juliet liked him, so when she came to you at the bar after dancing with him telling you she was going home with him, you let her.

“I was happy for her! She had just gone through a breakup a few months before, so it was nice to see her getting some,” you let out a weak laugh, “I remember the last thing I said before she left was ‘Okay, have fun, call me in the morning, we’ll get brunch. I love you.’” Spencer winced, almost as if he knew where this story was going. Given his line of work, he was expecting far worse, but he at least knew that we didn’t get lunch the next morning.

“I went home a little bit later, I got bored, so I got a taxi home.”

You close your eyes and sigh deeply, “I’m in the back seat when I get a call. It was Juliet’s phone.”

“She wasn’t calling you, was she?”

“No, it was the police. Juliet didn’t have a good relationship with her parents, so I was her emergency contact.” You had to plan the funeral, invite her parents, look them in the eye and lie to them that Juliet wanted to make amends with them. The horrified guilt on their faces almost made it worth it, “The car she was in got t-boned when the guy ran a red light. He wasn’t as sober as we thought he was.”

“She didn’t make it.” Spencer guessed for you.

“No. She was dead before they got her out of the ambulance.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. If Juliet hadn’t…” You still couldn’t bring yourself to actually say it, “I wouldn’t have moved home, I wouldn’t have gotten back with Kyle, and I wouldn’t have Jamie. I don’t wanna tell you that something good will come out of this, because that’s a horrible thing to hear, but looking for an opportunity to find something good can’t hurt.”

“I can’t just look for something new when all i can think about is how I should have been able to help!”

“You really think I didn’t blame myself for what happened to Juliet? That every night for years after I thought I could have done something differently, and sure, I could have, but it’s not like I knew what was going to happen, and I couldn’t keep blaming myself.”

“It’s not the same, you don’t get it.” His fingers ghosted over old scars on his forearms, scars you didn’t want to think about where they came from.

“I do, Spencer. Emily was my friend too. And because she was my friend, I know she would never let you blame yourself for it. She knows you can’t save them all. All we can do is save ourselves,” you took his hand in yours, he still tensed up, “‘cuz that’s all the people we lose want us to do.”

He turned his head up from the floor and met your eyes. Once you gazed into those deep hazel irises, the tension in his hand melted away. His shoulders slumped, and he let out a deep breath, squeezing your hand like a lifeline, “Thank you.”

“Of course, Spence.”

“I’m sorry for snapping.”

“You apologize too much.” You had nearly forgotten exactly what he said to you that night in the hotel bar in Vegas all those years ago, but clearly, he hadn’t, he couldn’t, and he didn’t, because after a few moments of staring into your eyes and slowly drifting towards you in peaceful silence, he closed the gap between you both and kissed you.

Spencer Reid was kissing you.

This was happening.

Nearly two decades of being friends--

Years of being totally, ridiculously, and most importantly, cluelessly in love with each other, Spencer Reid was kissing you. You were almost so overjoyed at that moment as you started to kiss him back that you nearly forgot that your friend was dead and you were supposed to be comforting him. This wasn’t comfort, this was what Kyle did to you all those years ago.

You broke the kiss before he did something he’d regret, “Spence…”

“Oh my god,” he removed his hands from your face and shifted his entire body away from you, “I’m so sorry.” 

“No, don’t-”

“Oh my god, I’m an idiot!” He ran his fingers through his hair, pulling at the strands as his hands landed at the back of his neck, forcing his head to stare in his lap.

“No you’re not! Hey. Genius. Look at me.” He didn’t. “You’re not. You’re just in a bad place, I get it.”

“No you don’t. This time, you don’t.”

“What do you m—”

“Look, I don’t wanna kick you out but I really think you should leave.”

“Oh… yeah… sure… okay.” You slowly rose from the couch on weak knees. Whether it was from adrenaline or anxiety, you couldn’t tell.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be! Just… please, take care of yourself?” You glance around the room for your belongings, “Shower, eat something, get some rest, please. And call me if you need anything--”

“Y/N, please, just go.”

You felt tears sting your eyes as you reached for the doorknob. You turned your head just enough to look over your shoulder to say, “Goodnight, pretty boy,” before you left. You closed the door behind you and leaned against it, breathing heavily. 

           (Spencer’s POV)

Why was I kicking her out?

Why was I telling her to leave?

Why was I pushing her away?

Why did I kiss her?

Why did she push me away?

Why did she call me “pretty boy?” She never--

The pieces fell into place as they often do, all at once with the force of a car slamming into a pole at fifty miles per hour. 

“Goodnight, Pretty Boy.”

“Goodnight, Princess.”

She remembered that night.

She remembered that night when I drove her home and put her to bed and--

And I told her I had a crush on her in high school.

And I almost said I loved her.

And I almost kissed her then.

God, I wish I had. Any time would have been better than now.

          (Reader POV)

You didn’t know you could miss someone so much while they were behind just one door. You could’ve turned around right then and knocked and waited for him to be ready to talk about what just happened. About him kissing you. About you kissing back. About you stopping him. About that drunken night when you let it slip how pretty you thought he was.

You should’ve just waited.

But you couldn’t stand to be that close to him while he wanted to be as far away from you as possible.

So you ran.

You practically sprinted down the stairs and out of his building as quickly as you could, getting in your car and pulling out of the parking lot and getting the fuck away before you hurt anyone else, including yourself.

          (Spencer POV)

I couldn’t just let her walk out like that.

I had to say something.

I had to go after her.

I had to get her back.

I needed her.

But when I opened the door, it was like she had never been there. 

I leaned on my door frame staring at the staircase down the hall, wishing I had the energy to run after her, to catch her before she reached her car, to stop her from driving away, to tell her I was sorry, to beg her to please, please, come back upstairs and talk to me, but my feet were fixed to the floor and my legs were weak. I just closed my door with my back and slid down to the floor, unable to bring myself to cry anymore. I sat there for god knows how long until I found the energy to crawl over to the coffee table where I had left my phone, picked it up, and dialed a number.

          (Reader POV)

You jumped slightly at the sound of your phone ringing, you shuffled through your bag in the passenger seat, desperately trying to find it before the light turned green. Some foolish part of your mind told you it was Spencer, you wished it was Spencer, you wanted nothing more than to turn your car around and talk it all out with him, tell him you were sorry, that you loved him, that you needed him, but your heart sank when you looked at the screen and saw the number.

It was a just fucking spam call.

You threw your phone back in your seat and beat your fists against the steering wheel, groaning and wishing the fucking light would just turn green already. When it finally did, you slammed on the gas a bit too quickly, sending the car jolting forward. You barely stopped the entire rest of the ride home, the universe must have sensed your impatience. As you finally pulled into your driveway, your skull felt as though it was packed with cotton, your tear tracks drying on your cheeks.

You raced up the steps to your door, fussing with the keys and trying to unlock the door as quickly and quietly as possible. You inevitably made noise as you entered, prompting a light to turn on in the living room. Your mom rose from the couch she had been sleeping on, her face dropping from annoyed to concerned.

“Toots, you’re home already? I thought you wouldn’t be back until morning.”

You had thought that you were fresh out of tears, but apparently, you still had more to spare, seeing as you broke the second the words left her mouth.

“Oh my, what happened?” She raced towards you, wrapping you in a hug, “Is Spencer okay? Did something happen?”

As confused and sad as you were, you couldn’t stop the smile that had suddenly appeared on your face, “He kissed me.”

“He what?” She broke the hug, holding your face in her hands and wiping tears off of your cheeks, “Then honey, why on Earth are you here?”

          (Spencer POV)

“You kicked her out? Why?”

“Why do you think I called you, Jennifer? What do I do? How do I fix this?”

“Well, what exactly happened?”

“I freaked out, she came over, we talked, I,” I took a deep breath and braced myself for her reaction, “I kissed her—”

She almost choked on her coffee, “And you didn’t lead with that? Don’t you think that’s a little important?” 

“I was trying to avoid reliving it for as long as possible.”

“You’ve wanted this since high school, why wouldn’t you want to relive it?”

“She pulled away.” There was no anger or sadness behind my words. I don’t sound hurt as I recount the scene, “She took my hand, I kissed her, she stopped me.”

JJ’s hand brushed over my shoulder and I flinched away slightly.

“I apologized immediately, she wasn't mad or anything, I just…” I trailed off, unable to admit that I just couldn’t look at her anymore. I never thought I’d get tired of seeing her face, but I had needed her to leave. When she pulled away, all I could think about was the sound of Alexa Lisbon sneering at me as Kyle and his goons tied me to that goal post.

“She wanted to help me, and I know she did, but…”

“She couldn’t.” JJ finished my sentence.

I shook my head, “Not this time.”

“But now you want her to come back?”

“And I don’t know how to tell her that because I fucked up.”

“What did she say after you told her to leave? Did she just go?”

          (Reader POV)

“I told him not to feel bad and to take care of himself.” You hadn’t had time to tell him how much you wanted to kiss him but neither one of you was in the right state of mind for that. 

“Right, yeah, and did he say anything else?”

You winced at the memory of how his voice sounded. “He kept telling me to leave, so I just went for the door and said--”

          (Spencer POV)

“‘Goodnight, pretty boy,’” I grumbled, “That was the last thing she said.”

“Okay?”

“She never calls me Pretty Boy.” I told her the whole story. When I was done, her eyebrows were drawn together and lips were pressed together in a thin, worried line uttering, “Spence…”

“What?”

She sighed, saying nothing and smirking slightly to herself, but saying nothing.

“Jennifer.”

“She loves you, genius.”

“Then why’d she leave?”

“Because you told her to. And…” she hesitated, almost scared to say anything else. I was scared to hear it. JJ took my coffee away and dumped it down the sink, a silent indicator that I had enough and needed to go to bed.

She turned back to me and leaned over the table again, making sure I'd look her in the eyes, “She’d do anything for you.”

I just stared down on my hands on the table, unable to say another word, unable to defend myself, unable to fight anymore.

Because I knew she was right.

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[toomanyrobins]

MINIMAL LOSS

summary: Spencer and Y/N head into the Separtarian Sect and are greeted with trouble.

pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

content warnings: few swear words, guns, character death, violence, cult behavior

word count: 3.7k

It had been a few months since Y/N had joined the BAU. Despite initial worries, she fit right into the team. She had joined the women for girls’ night and even helped Garcia plan JJ’s baby shower. Hotch was truly showing how much trust he held by sending the two youngest teammates on their own assignment. Y/N and Spencer were in a car in La Plata with Nancy, a CPS worker, on their way to Liberty Ranch. Spencer played the call for the three of them: “He comes into my bedroom and lays with me. He says it's god's will. I'm only 15. And I'm not the only one. Please help me!” 

Y/N turned to Nancy, “Who is the ‘he’?”

“I believe the ‘he’ that they referred to is the church's leader: Benjamin Cyrus.”

Reid flipped open the file and leaned forward so that Y/N could look at it too. She smiled appreciatively at him, “Benjamin Cyrus--No criminal record. No record at all, really. What else do you know about him?

Nancy shrugged, “It's rumored that he's practicing polygamy and forced marriages.

Y/N scanned the file as Spencer read aloud, “Do we know who the caller is?”

“Jessica Evanson is the one who the age fits, But...we can't be sure. I negotiated interviews with all the children. It wasn't easy.”

“Well, considering their view on outsiders, it would be best if you didn't identify us as FBI. Just use our real names and introduce us as child victim interview experts.” Y/N and Reid left their badges and gun in the car. The trio pulled up and was greeted by a single man lounging on the stairs. He seemed unimpressed by their presence and continued to read his book. Y/N noted that the act seemed a bit over the top and a definite attempt to appear nonchalant about their visit.

Nancy walked up to him, “I'm looking for Mr. Benjamin Cyrus.”

The man walked down the stairs, shutting the Bible in his hands, “You found him.”

“I'm Nancy Lunde. We spoke on the phone regarding the allegation.”

“Savages they call us because our manners differ from theirs.”

“We didn't come here to hear you cite scripture, Mr. Cyrus.

“Actually, It's a Benjamin Franklin.” Y/N smiled softly at the ever fact-driven Dr. Reid.

Nancy motioned at the two of them, “Y/N Emard and Spencer Reid -- they’re child victim

interview experts.”

“How far from God's word must we have strayed for there to be the need to invent a job called child victim interview expert?”

“We wish we didn't have to be here,” Y/N said.

So do we. But you are welcome, nonetheless. The children are in the school,” He pointed to the building behind him.

Nancy nodded and thanked him. The two women forged ahead, but Y/N stopped when she heard Spencer remark on the compound’s use of solar power.

“We're completely self-sufficient,” Cyrus explained, “Electricity, food, water. Ben Franklin said, ‘God helps those that help themselves.’ You look surprised.” Y/N noticed that Spencer was working to build a relationship with Cyrus and followed Nancy to begin interviews. They decide to start Jessica: the suspected victim. Y/N immediately noted the defensive posture that the 15-year-old held. Her mother, Kathy, stood beside her and looked much more submissive.

“So, what does a normal day on the ranch look like for you?” Y/N inquired.

“We go to school. We do our chores. And we treat ourselves and each other with the respect that God demands.”

“But you've never been off of the ranch?

Kathy spoke, “I brought Jessie here when she was 2.”

The young girl had a very sour look on her face and had her hands folded tightly in anger, “You've talked to lots of children in your work. Tell me, are their lives somehow better than ours? We devote ourselves to God.” Kathy put a hand on her daughter’s shoulder to calm her.

Y/N reassured the teen, “We are not here because of your religious beliefs.”

“Then why are you here?”

“We received a phone call alleging that an adult male member of your church was having inappropriate relations with the younger women here.”

“You're talking about Cyrus.”

Reid had joined them and heard the last bit of the conversation, “What makes you say that?”

Kathy tried to stop her daughter, but the indignation was clear. “Is it inappropriate for a husband to share a bed with his wife?

Y/N was shocked, “You are married to Cyrus?”

“Yes. Cyrus is my husband and a prophet. It's an honor to bear his children.

“Jessica, you're 15 years old. The state of Colorado requires parental consent.”

Y/N stared at Kathy and saw the regret in her eyes. She looked up at Reid, “She gave consent.”

Before they could continue to question, they were interrupted by members of the ranch coming in armed. They forced the three outsiders back and pointed their weapons at them. ”What's going on?” Nancy demanded. Three men came over and patted them all down. Y/N dug her heel into the man’s toe when she felt him linger. He groaned and stepped back with a scowl, nodding to Cyrus to confirm that all three were weapon-free.

“We just got a very strange phone call from a news reporter. Is there anything you want to tell me about a raid, maybe?” All three of them were shocked. Especially Y/n and Spencer since they knew that JJ had checked with other agencies before sending them in. Cyrus shook his head, “They don't know.” The men shepherded the woman and children through tunnels hidden under the buildings to a bunker filled with weapons. Gunfire could be heard overhead as instructions were given by Cyrus. 

Y/N and Spencer both saw how the guns lining the walls. She whispered, “Where did all these guns come from?”

Spencer shook his head, “I don't know. Garcia checked with the state police.” Nancy broke free of the group in the bunker and hurried up the church, thinking she could stop the raid from continuing. They heard the gunfire cease and he whispered again, “The raid is over.”

“What does that mean?”

“Either Cyrus convinced them to leave or this is over a lot faster than we thought.” When the men returned back down, Y/N realized that they were stuck in the compound again. Spencer inquired into where Nancy had gone and Cyrus explained that she had been shot by the Colorado authorities. 

“They’re pulling out.”

Reid shook his head, “Not for long.” They were stuck in the bunker while the male members of the cult all armed themselves. 

Y/N leaned over, “The team will have to be on its way now that a failed raid will be on the news. 

“With an average flight time of five and a half hours between DC and the La Plata County Airport plus the half hour drive out to the ranch, I estimate that they’ll be here by 4 o’clock, maybe 4:30 depending on who drives.” Y/N and Reid stayed trapped in the bunker, covered by an armed member at the door.

Y/N needed grounding and turned to Spencer, “What is the playbook here?”

“If the BAU is put in charge, which I imagine they will be because we are inside, they will go for the minimal loss situation. Statistically, it is improbable that they will get every member out, so they will do their best to save as many as possible. With the indoctrination in cults like this, some will be too far gone. It will be impossible to convince them that what they have been following is a lie. They’ll first try to get out 1 or 2, then 3 or 4, and then as many as possible before it goes bad,” Spencer stopped talking and looked confused, “You haven’t told me to stop rambling.”

“Why would I tell you to stop? This is valuable information,” Y/N’s cheeks warmed, “Plus you have a nice voice. We are going to be here a while until someone gets in contact with Cyrus. Best to be informed and it seems that you’re a wealth of information, Dr. Reid.” 

Despite the situation, Spencer smiled and continued talking quietly to Y/N about the tactics used. She asked him questions and let him answer them with as much information as he had. Y/N had seen him get cut off by the others before, and she understood why they did it, but she realized he probably didn’t get to share to his heart’s content often and currently they had a minimum 6 hours of waiting ahead of them. That plan was cut short by Cyrus coming back down. He brought them all up to the church. The duo were off to the side, watching as Rossi came in carrying a box. He was patted down and Cyrus spoke to him. Y/N and Spencer were both careful to keep any hint of recognition off of their face, knowing that even a twinge of weakness could seal their fates. 

Rossi let his eyes pass over the duo, before turning to Cryus, “I’d hope you let me take the children.”

“Nah, they’re our protection. I remember Waco... we all do. They stay for now. While I pray for God’s guidance. Please don’t try to force us out.”

“No one’s gonna try to force you out of here.” The two men walked to the door and Rossi left again. 

The moment he was out the door, Cyrus ordered a member to prepare wine, “We are celebrating. Everyone drinks. Everyone rejoices. Because today we are one day closer to being with him.”

Y/N watched a scene unfold in front of her and brushed her hand against Spencer’s to get his attention, “Look at Jessica’s body language. The way she looks at him. She literally worships him.”

Spencer nodded, “There is no way she made that 911 call.”

They both watched as Kathy stood up to speak to her daughter, “Look how she comes between Cyrus and her daughter. She's inserted herself between them. I don’t think Kathy is as devout a follower as she wants people to believe. Cyrus isn’t the most important thing to her; Jessica is.” Spencer squeezed her hand in silent agreement. 

Cyrus began preaching from the front as all the followers drank the wine, “Acknowledge him in all things and he will guide your way. Drink to acknowledge him and I will guide our way. We will be with him soon. We drank the poison together. Mothers… Fathers… Children, though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we fear no evil, for thou art with us.”

Y/N eyes widened and she looked up at Spencer, “What do we do?”

He shook his head, “Nothing.”

“We have to do something. These people just took poison.”

“Cyrus just told them they did. I think he's just bluffing. Just after he told them about the poison, he waited for them to start to react. Then, he nodded to Cole and he started writing. They're scanning the audience looking for reactions. They're writing down the names of the people who are crying.

Realization hit Y/N, “It's a loyalty list. So he knows who will follow him to the end.”

Cyrus spoke again, “Be still. There was no poison. Instead a test of faith. Because your adversary, the devil, waltzes about as a roaring lion, choosing whom he may devour. Watch each other for signs of weakness. You are your brother's keeper.”

After the test, they forced Y/N and Spencer back into the bunker. A guard again stationed by the door. It wasn’t long before Cyrus came back into the bunker, anger written across his face, “Which one of you is it? Which one of you is an FBI agent?”

Spencer and Y/N shared a look. “Why do you think one of us is an FBI agent?

“God will forgive me for what I must do.”

Spencer kept his face confused and innocent, “I--I don't know what you're talking about.”

Cyrus cocked a gun and pointed it at Spencer’s forehead. “One of you does. Who is it?”

Y/N knew that Spencer had built a rapport with the sect leader. She took a deep breath, “Me. It's me.”

Spencer looked at her worriedly as Cyrus uncocked the weapon. He flew forward and grabbed Y/N by her hair, dragging her into another room, “I told you not to put me in this position!” She tried to stand, but he backhanded her. She got up again, staring determinedly at him. This time, Cyrus threw her into the wall. Y/N crashed into a mirror and felt the shards cut her arms and face. He continued to preach while beating her, “Proverbs 20:30 tells us blows and wounds cleanse away evil.

Y/N remembered what Reid had said about the FBI trying to find a way to listen in, she had to stop them from coming in, “I can take it.” Cyrus thought she was antagonizing him and hit harder. She repeated herself, “I can take it.” Y/N hoped that the team understood that she could handle this fight and not blow the operation by trying to save her.

“Pride comes before the fall,” Cyrus punched her in the stomach and threw her to the floor. Y/N lay on the floor, trying to catch her breath after the last kick to her stomach knocked the wind out of her. He called for another man to come in, “Tie her up. Put her upstairs.

Kathy snuck into the room they had trapped Y/N in. She had brought a small first aid kit and cleaned the blood away from her face and removed bits of glass, “You should have told Cyrus who you were. He's a prophet. He predicted Satan's armies would come and lay siege to us.

Every inch of Y/N’s body hurt, but she knew she couldn’t give up. She looked at Kathy, “There's a name for that kind of prophecy-- self-fulfilling.”

“You don't know how dangerous It is to lie to him.”

“I know it would take a brave woman to defy him, Knowing the consequences. And that woman would have to have a damn good reason to do it. Kathy sucked in air when she realized that Y/N had suspicions about who made the 911 call that had led to them coming to the compound. She left the room and Y/N let her head fall back against the pillows, hoping that she was getting to the woman. 

She tried to track how long had passed but when the sun set, she had no measure of time. It hadn’t been long before the door to the room flew open and the same man who had tied her up entered. He roughly dragged her up and cut the rope binding her wrist. He kept his weapon trained on her and forced her into the church, where everyone else was. 

Cyrus stood at the altar, “It has come to my attention that some of our brothers and sisters have lost their faith in God. That they no longer love us. They want to abandon us. So when I call out your name, please stand.”

Spencer came up to her. She kept her eyes trained on the sect leader, “He looks pissed.” She turned to him and smiled softly when she saw the worry in his eyes, “Spencer, it's not as bad as it looks. I’ve had worse.”

“I'm so sorry,” Spencer scanned over Y/N’s body, taking in every injury inflicted by Cyrus. Moments like this, he hated his eidetic memory; knowing he would never forget the beating Y/N took to protect him. Their attention was drawn back to the members, 

“Look at who he's releasing. It's the ones who failed the loyalty test. I'll get word to the team. Wait for a sign from outside to indicate what time the raid will come.” Spencer walked away from her to speak to Cyrus. He turned and nodded to her, before she was dragged back up the room. Her arms were tied again and she was thrown on the bed. 

Y/N nodded off for a few hours, but had woken up when the sun had started to rise, cursing herself for falling asleep. Y/N situated herself on the bed and used her shoe to pull the blinds down. She knew that the glass needed to vibrate in order for them to hear her, “If you can hear me, I know you're coming. I can try to get the women and children down to the tunnel, but I need to know when you're coming.” She continued to repeat herself, when a red dot shone on the opposite wall, “Ok. Ok. I got you. What time?” The dot held steady for a moment and then moved 90 degrees. “3 a.m.?” The dot moved up and down confirming, “Understood. Reid is on the first floor somewhere with Cyrus. And, please, remember there are children here.” Y/N heard someone coming and dropped her foot, letting the blind close again.

Kathy came back into Y/N’s room. She helped her sit up and gave her a glass of water. This was Y/N’s last chance to convince Kathy to held, “Cyrus is planning a mass suicide. You made that 911 call.”

The woman shook her head regretfully, “This is all my fault. None of this would have happened if I hadn't of made that call.

“You were trying to protect your daughter. No one would fault you for that”

“There were other girls before Jessie. He--he would marry them in secret, and after a while he'd take another. And we weren't permitted to speak of it. So, when she asked for my consent, I wanted to just take her and run. But I was afraid she wouldn't leave him.”

“You wanted us to take her.”

“Well, I--I wanted to save her from Cyrus.”

“I can give you another chance. The FBI is coming here at 3 a.m. I need you to gather Jessica, the kids, the other women -- get them into the basement just before 3 a.m.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I have faith that you are a strong enough woman to do the right thing for Jessica.” Kathy stood and walked out of the room without another word. Y/N was left with the hope that she had gotten through to the woman. 

Only a few moments later, Kathy came back. She helped Y/N sit up and removed the bindings from her wrists, “You were right. They're setting the place to blow up. I told Jessie that Cyrus wanted her to gather the women and children.”

Y/N’s thoughts were on Spencer, “Where is the man I came in with?”

“He's in the chapel with Cyrus. It's 2:45, though, we gotta hurry.” Y/N and Kathy rushed to get the women and children down to the basement, careful to avoid any of the armed men. 

Once they got to the basement, Derek and Rossi were waiting for them. He rushed up to her, “Y/N, Y/N, you all right?

“Worry about me later, Derek. They've wired explosives.” Kathy and the agents rushed everyone out of the compound. 

“Where's Reid?”

“He's in the chapel with Cyrus.”

Rossi turned to her, “We gotta get you out of here.

“No. We've gotta get Reid!

Derek grabbed her shoulders, “I will get Reid. Get out of here. Get to safety. Go now.” Y/N nodded and followed after the rest of the members. She stayed watching the building as the other continued to run. Y/N had to know that Spencer was okay. The church exploded and Y/N fell to the ground, covering her head. Once the smoke cleared, she stood up, “Reid! Morgan? Reid? Morgan!”

“We're ok!” Derek called.

Spencer ran up to her and wrapped her in a hug, “Are you okay?” She nodded and he put his arm around her, helping her to walk to get medical attention. Only once he was certain she was getting help did he leave.

Y/N sat in the back of an ambulance as the paramedic pulled shards of glass from her arms, and bandaged and disinfected the cuts on her face. JJ came over to check on her, “How bad is it?”

“Everything is sore, but the worst is cuts from the mirror he slammed me into. They said I don’t even need to go to the hospital.”

“Take it easy and don’t move until one of us comes to help you. Understand?”

Y/N smiled, “You’re already such a mom, JJ.” The blonde laughed and sat next to her, one hand on her belly.  The rest of the night passed quickly and soon the team was on the jet back to DC. Y/N sat next to Spencer on the couch, “Hey.”

“Hey.”

Y/N gently pulled the book out of his hands and put her hand in his, forcing him to put all of his attention on her, “I need you to listen to me. What Cyrus did to me is not your fault. It was my decision, and I would do it again. Do you hear me?” Spencer nodded. Y/N smiled at him and handed him his book back. She tucked her feet under the blanket and put her head on his shoulder, exhaustion weighing her eyelids down. Spencer read to her, remembering what she said about his voice, until he was sure she was asleep. The team all shared looks at the familiarity between the youngest teammates and smiled.

When they landed, Spencer offered to drive her home. The duo ended up at Y/N’s apartment. They ordered Chinese food and Y/N let him turn on Star Trek and explain all of the science and how it was ahead of its time. By the end of the night, Y/N had her legs slung across his lap and a frozen pea bag on her bruised face. She fell asleep sometime during the fourth episode. Spencer turned the TV off and covered her with a blanket. He quickly put the leftovers and peas away, and even laid out some Advil and water on the coffee with a note for when she woke up. 

Y/N,

You fell asleep and I decided you need your sleep. I put the food away and the peas back in the freezer. Take the Advil when you wake up. You’re going to need it. Text me when you wake up and I’ll pick you up. You shouldn’t drive until you’ve healed.

Dr. Spencer Reid

[sophialikesthings]

Song-No Body,No Crime-Taylor Swift

Numb. the deprivation of feelings or emotions.

That's what I was standing in that field moments after I witnessed what happened.

"Come on, We should go." JJ rubbed my back.

"We don't have a car, dumbass." Kiara insulted him.

"We can hide out in the hanger." Pope pointed

We carefully scanned the room making sure nobody else was there.

I just went to a corner and curled myself up into a ball and sat there, questioning my sanity for still loving him.

"There goes the gold!" JJ looked up at the plane that just took off.

"Fuck!" Pope yelled, throwing something he found at the wall. He grabbed anything he could carry and threw it all, things were thrown all over, shattered glass carpeting the floor.

"I need to go see him." I got up.

"What? Demi are you insane?" JJ asked.

"I am because I still love him and I don't know how to stop." I broke down again.

"I'm scared that if I leave him, That will happen to me."

===

"Demi, I don't think it's a good time right now." Rose opened the door.

"Rose, I know what happened, and you and I both know he needs me right now. So please, let me see him."

"He is in the den." She let me inside.

"What are you doing here?" Ward asked as he vigorously washed his hands trying to get her blood off of them.

"I came to see Rafe, I- I know what happened Mr.Cameron, and I promise I won't tell a soul." I put on my fake face.

"So can I see him?"

"Yes, he is in the den." He pointed at the door.

I carefully opened the door and saw a distressed Rafe contemplating on the couch.

"D-Demi." he got up.

"I saw what happened, I wanted to say goodbye to Sarah and when I got there you shot her."

"I was protecting my father, I was protecting our future!" He paced.

"Calm down!" I pulled his arm towards me. "Rafe...you have done some of the most horrendous things to me and somehow I always go back to you, I don't know why? But I do."

"Don't say that. I do what I think will protect you." He hugged me.

"Mind if I come in?" Ward asked.

"I'll go." I was about to get up.

"No, no Demi stay," Rafe asked. "Is she alive?"

Ward shook his head causing Rafe to sink into me.

"What did you tell the cops? Are they coming here?"

"I told them John B did it." Ward walked over to his desk.

"Demi, I need you to take him up to his room, get him all cleaned up." He told me " take a shower change your clothes. If anybody asked you were working all day, doin' maintenance on the druthers."

"No, Rose knows I wasn't here."

"I will talk to Rose, okay?"

"Come on." I got up and took Rafes' hand.

===

"I was protecting him." Rafe continued to tell me.

"I know, can you take your shirt off, please you need to shower." I turned the water on.

"Will you join me?" He asked.

"Rafe."

"Please, I just don't want to be left alone, because If I am, I'm scared I might do something."

"Fine."

===

"I'm gonna go check in on Wheezie, I'll be back in a minute." I got up

"Hey, wheeze."

"Hey, did you come to ignore me too?" She asked looking up from her phone

"No, but I did come to hang out with you." I got a text.

JJ

I am sorry for nagging you about staying

with Rafe, I understand you are just trying to

keep your loved ones safe

Demi

Yeah, I was trying to keep you safe.

"Who are you texting?" Wheezie asked piercing over my shoulder.

"Huh? Oh, just Topper."

"Well, I'm tired, you can stay if you'd like, or you can go bang my brother." She nonchalantly said lying down.

"Whoa! What?" She caught me off guard.

"You know what I mean, you and my brother bang, like constantly."

"You know wheeze, sometimes I wish we didn't." I lied down next to her. "I mean, I feel like it adds unneeded pressure to our relationship."

"For what it's worth, you have really nice glute muscles." She made me laugh.

"I love you wheeze." I tossed my arm over her, hugging her.

"I love you too, you are like another cool sibling."

We both drifted to sleep.

===

"Do you hear that?" I got woken up by Wheezie.

"Huh?"

I heard Rafe in the other room muttering to himself. I got up and went to check on him, Wheezie behind me.

"Hey, What are you doin'?" I walked over to him, placing a kiss on his bicep where my face stood due to our height difference of almost afoot.

"Tossin' this crap." He threw a bunched-up pile of shirts into a worn-out backpack.

"Isn't this where John B was staying?" I questioned

"Yeah, well, I don't think he's gonna be by anytime soon to pick it up, so--"

"Why?" Wheezie interrogated.

"Did you say why?" He looked at her, confused.

"Didn't Dad tell you?"

"He doesn't tell me anything, so." She sighed, propping her head up on her hands.

"Um... so, John B... Killed Sheriff Peterkin." He acted sad.

"What?"

"Yeah." He tried to get her to believe him.

"Are you smiling right now? I'm not joking. Like, this isn't a game. I don't--"

Wheezie looked away as if she was bored of the story Rafe was telling her.

He slapped the bedpost almost hitting her face, causing both of us to wince out of fear.

"Hey, calm down." I pulled him back slightly.

"I don't know why you're smiling, okay? Look at me. I saw it with my own two eyes." He lied.

It hurt me, to know that I would have to lie to Wheezie. It made me sick just how easy Rafe could lie to anyone, doubts now filling my mind with everything he's ever said to me.

"He shot her, and then you know what he did?"

I snapped back into the conversation.

"He tried to shoot dad, but you know what? I stepped in and I stopped him, I saved Dad."

"Why would John B want to kill dad?" She questioned his story.

"Because um... he thinks dad killed his father."

My eyes widened as if Rafe heard the conversation I had with John B.

"Rafe, do you want to come over to my house, Taylor, Kelce, and Top will be there?" I tried to stop the conversation.

"I can't right now, I have to help my dad with the police reports." He kissed me, walking out of the room.

"Okay, well I'm headed home Wheeze, give me a call if you need me." I hugged her goodbye.

===

That Night

===

"I hate it. I'm in a toxic cycle I can't break free from." I groaned, dumping all my life issues on Taylor as usual.

"Welcome to being a Kook, Your parents stick you into toxic relationships, ask you to make babies, then dump your ass at a mansion and the cycle repeats." She took a swig of rum.

"Taylor, I love-" I got interrupted by the boys running past my room. I heard the laundry room door shut and Topper and Kelce forcefully holding it closed.

"What's going on? Who's in there?" I walked out into the hallway.

"Please just--just let me out." I heard John B.

"Are you two insane! Let him out!" I demanded, trying to get past them.

"Word on the street bro, you are worth 25k, dead or alive." Kelce shouted.

"Kelce, stop." Taylor asked, pulling him back so I could go up to the door, next to Topper.

"I'm gonna go get the cops, don't let him out." Taylor and Kelce walked away.

"John B, It's Topper." He started.

"Hey Top, It's John B." I could hear him panic.

"You gonna try to talk your way out?" Topper chuckled.

"Let him go, He's innocent." I tried to push him out of my way.

"Just cut the bull shit. Alright?" He ignored me.

"I didn't shoot the Sheriff, All right? Rafe did. Sarah was there. She saw the whole thing, Demi saw it too."

"Oh! It was Rafe! My bad." He rolled his eyes.

"Look Man, I know you don't believe me and honestly, I probably wouldn't believe myself either, but... I-- I get it, you hate me because of Sarah." He tried to talk to him.

"You knew we were boyfriend and girlfriend, right?"

I could hear the sirens in the distance as the tension built up.

"Let him go! Please." I started crying.

"And, um, I -- I got another question." he leaned against the door that was being held shut by a chair. "Did you fuck her."

"Topper!" I hit the back of his head, my strength not enough to make him flinch.

"Yes or no John B."

"Ok-- Uh yes." He said. "We did it...once. Okay? But don't use the f-word. That's kind of gross." He spoke trying to get Topper to understand him.

Suddenly we heard the police sirens from outside.

"Alright John B! It's Sheriff Thornton out here. We got you surrounded. We don't need anymore blood shed." My dad yelled into his megaphone

"Topper, Topper please, I am begging you to let him go." At this point I was hysterical, my eyes burnt from the many tears streaming down my face.

The sound of heavy footsteps got closer as they ran up the porch stairs.

"We're back here dad!" Topper yelled.

"Please!" I whispered.

"No mercy Dad." He took me outside with him.

"Damn it!" He slipped through the vents!" I heard my dad yell, easing my worry.

"Do not put your hands on me!" I screamed as Topper held me in front of him, pushing me outside.

"Demi! He is dangerous! I am protecting you, you are my little sister and I don't want you to get hurt."

"The only thing I need protecting from is this family! You make them out to be the villains when really it's you, and everybody else on this side of the island.

As everyone was spreading out searching for him Sarah rode up to me on her bike.

"I'm having everyone meet at the church. Be there in an hour, I think the others have a plan." She quietly whispered.

===

The Church Bell went off 3 times before I ran in there.

"What are you doing!" I stopped him.

"Demi, Sarah, I warned you about these pogues!" Topper held his hands up in defence.

"He's innocent." Sarah sobbed.

"Then who did it?" Topper asked.

"Rafe! Rafe shot Sheriff Peterkin, I saw him." I finally spoke up. I could feel my eyes starting to water again.

"What are you talking about?" he didn't believe me

"Sarah, we gotta go!" John B noticed all the police starting to gather outside.

"Sarah, You realize I'm the one that loves you." Topper Repeated, telling Sarah this many times before.

"I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry," She apologized "But this isn't about you."

"Hey we've gotta go." John B broke up their conversation.

"You go, I'll take care of him." I took my helpless blubbering brother into my arms

"Let me make it up to you." Topper laid out his plan, Sarah and I swapped clothes. Quickly,

"Y'all smell smoke?" I asked.

"Holy shit, go." Sarah looked down the ladder to see the bright light from the fire.

Topper and I headed out of the church with our hands in the air acting as if we were John B and Sarah.

"GET DOWN." The cops were yelling at us.

"Hol-Hold shoot, those are my kids." My dad commanded the others to put the guns down.

"Demitria and Topper, What the hell were you two thinking!?" He snarled.

"I- I don't know what happened dad, I'm sorry for causing trouble." Topper apologized "They went that way." I pointed in the opposite direction.

"Are you alright? Do you need a medic?" Topper asked me.

"I'm ok, I just burned my calf, that's all." I hissed as the wind blew causing my leg to sting.

"Demi! Dem, I- I didn't mean for this to happen!" Rafe ran over to me.

"Of course you did this!" I started limping away.

"Demi, I never meant to hurt you."

"How's that turning out?"

=== Ahhhhh late post but... The final chapter of part one is tomorrow and I am actually almost done with part two!

Feedback is appreciated!

Messages are always open!

Thankful for you all

also I need someone to help me pick an ending... so If you want to help me out just message me 😊

[amiramorozova]

Dual Summoner x The Darkling pt. 32

Pairing: Dual Summoner Amira Silina x General Kirigan/Aleksander Morozova

Word count: 2297

We laid like that for a bit falling asleep but I felt him stir and leave the bed as I opened my eyes. I couldn't sleep so when we went to look over his war plans I left the room without him seeing. Walking I walked the halls wondering just what was bothering me as I kept walking till I made it to our church connected to the little palace. No one was supposed to be here but I needed to clear my head, I'd never really been here because no saint had been in front of all of us and yet now they thought I was.

The Sun Queen, that's what people call me but it's not true. I'm not just a Sun Summoner, I'm a tidemaker too so what does that make me? I thought 

The fact I came from a bloodline of sun summoners was the secret that no one was wanting to talk about. I was born in a mixed bloodline of summoners, my grandfather was Inferni and my grandmother was Sun Summoner, between those two my dad had inherited the Sun Summoner from his mother and I'd inherited both of my abilities from my parents. 

As I looked at the tapestries I stopped at one, a man with chains on his wrist with the amplifiers on it. Sankt Ilya Morozova, Aleksander's grandfather that people said was dead but then again I didn't completely think that was true. My senses knew dead was never dead as the black Heretic was supposed to be dead and Aleksander was very much alive. I was so focused I didn't even hear the sound of footsteps walking in there until he spoke. 

"Having trouble sleeping, Milaya?" Aleksander said 

I couldn't help but blush at his words as I felt his hand on my shoulder while he saw what I was looking at. I was never really that big of a believer but this power the people had to worship and believe was clear to see. Aleksander didn't say anything right away as I just stared at the tapestries and I questioned if this was right. Was I rushing into marriage because of obligation, because of finding what fate decided was my soulmate?

"Are you having second thoughts?" Aleksander asked and I sighed, "Would you be upset if I thought we were rushing into this?" I asked without looking at him.

He made me turn around to look at him and I saw in his eyes a bit of anger with our arrangement. I was to be his wife and if Dual Summoners were found I was to lead them and here I was second-guessing myself. I knew he was the only person I'd been interested in, there had been no one else.

"I think Nico is a bad influence on you, he'll be sent back to the first army." Aleksander said as I looked at him shocked. "Nico risked his life to keep me safe, to lead me to the stag." I said in a defensive tone.

I'd lost so much already and I was having a debate but I knew my powers were still my own. He wanted to bridge us together someday but it was on my terms because I wasn't a foolish girl he could manipulate. "You can't send him back to the first army; they will kill him! I need allies and he is one of my allies." I said 

Aleksander seemed threatened by Nico just being here because of him being a man, I didn't look at Nico the same way but I knew there was a lot already. I went to walk away as Aleksander grabbed my wrist and pulled me back. I felt the cool of the altar in the church against my back as I looked at him.

"Aleksander, why'd you do that?" I asked, he just walked over as he kissed me, I kissed him back as I put my arms around his neck feeling him lifting me up to where I was sitting on the altar. I pulled away as I started realizing he was getting ideas and I tried to push him back.

"Why are you scared?" Aleksander asked as I looked at him, I knew there was so much going through my head but I was scared of making mistakes. If I was going to be looked at like a saint I thought I needed to act the part and yet he tempted me from those. He made me look him eye to eye as if questioning me "Are you afraid what they'll think if they find out the truth about me? That you will be the Black Heretic's wife?" 

I had no plans to expose him as the Black Heretic because I was partially swayed by his cause but I had my morals with Baghra's training to know right from wrong. "I just think maybe our first should be when we're both ready. You tumbled with others, I'm sure Zoya was one of them." I said, looking away from him. I just wanted to get away from him before I said the wrong thing to him as he had me look at him. "Yes, you're right but you're not her. She was just to distract myself from waiting for my sun summoner, my Sol Koroleva to have by my side. Zoya doesn't mean anything to me, Moye Serdtse." 

He just called me the Sun Queen and his heart...maybe I was wrong. I thought

"When do the nobles need to cross the fold?" I asked, knowing that if I couldn't make the bridge through the fold on my own he would put the stag antler necklace on me. "In the morning, Zoya is to man the sails but I believe you can give us safe passage." Aleksander said and I nod in understanding knowing he gave me the option to the Stag necklace. I was refusing because I thought I could use the part of it that was a part of me already without him knowing.

"Answer one question and I believe it I won't ask again. Are you planning to weaponize the fold if I do this?" I asked 

I saw his expression change as he let me off the church altar and I waited for an answer as we stood there. "I'd love to throw Zlatan into the fold, he planned an attack on your life." Aleksander said as he knew there was a lot I could do possibly on my own. "That doesn't answer my question Aleksander. Lives will be at stake if you send the fold towards West Ravka knowing General Zlatan is the cause of the trouble on the night of the Winter Fete." I said 

He didn't seem to have an answer but I couldn't help but consider all of our 2nd army soldiers that might have family on the other side of the fold. People they wanted to see the moment they got off, Zoya regardless of how I felt with her probably had family members in west Ravka. I heard from people she went through the fold many times to visit family while making the sails.

"Where are you going?" Aleksander asked and I just kept walking "I'm going back to sleep" 

I didn't know if I could lay in his bed without worrying he'd use the fold as a weapon on west Ravka. The General deserved so much in fact if I got my hands on him I might hurt him for killing my fellow tidemaker but then again my thoughts went to the people who helped me get out of here. Mr. Brekker and his crew were probably going to be on the skiff.

I hope they hide from him they don't deserve to die but this will be hard. I thought

I walked into my room and laid down as I fell back asleep, when morning came I yawned but I got myself together. Genya came in and she helped me with a few things making sure I looked good and then she brought me over a dress. 

"What is this for?" I asked

"For the trip on the Skiff." Genya said 

I let her help me change into it and I looked at it seeing it was more sun summoner but my tidemaker side was represented too. Genya also put my hair together as I looked at the hairpin in my hair knowing that a lot was going on.

"Genya tells my family I want them on the skiff, if anything goes wrong with me I need their assistance." I said 

Genya nodded as she finished and I wore a cloak to cover myself not wanting to feel so out of place, I questioned if this was right. Why did he suddenly want me to help those through the skiff? Would Zlatan try to harm us if we do this? I heard a lot of noise coming outside so I went to check it out when I heard someone yell "Watch out!", Immediately I put my hands together and used the light to surround me as the air was cut in half.

"Who did that?!" I asked 

"I did." A male voice said 

I saw a boy who had dark hair as I did with my dad's eye color that I would have considered he was my brother. I didn't have a brother as far as I knew, at least dad never talked about his past relationships so I crossed my arms while looking at him. This boy was a squaller that was easy to tell as he had the same power as Zoya.

"And you are?" I asked

"Aidan Nikitin, and you're the Dual Summoner Amira Silina." Aidan said 

"Yes, I am." I said 

I heard the sound of footsteps coming out and I knew who it was as I knew Aleksander's movements compared to my family's movements and the people coming were my family. Father reached me first but I looked over at him, seeing him surprised. "Dad, what is it?" I asked, seeing his shocked face, but then Aidan spoke "Hi Dad, I see you have a new family and my half-sister is the Dual Summoner." Aidan said 

I think most of us, the other summoners, and I were in shock to hear that this squaller was my older brother. I adjusted my cloak so my hands could be free. Aidan noticed the ring and he looked curious that I couldn't help but smile. "General Kirigan asked me to marry him and I accepted." I said calmly, Aidan just seemed to be looking before asking "So when is the wedding?" I didn't have a response for a few reasons one there were a few things more important than me at the time.

"Once her dress is ready, the materialeki are in the middle of making it." Aleksander said as I looked back seeing him walking over and I didn't even hear him come out. He walked over putting an arm around me securely. I didn't forget last night what he was implying and what he was considering. "We need to go lapushka." Aleksander said leaving with me, I nodded but I still insisted on my family going so he allowed it, having two carriages as we headed out. I noticed David was in the carriage with us and Ivan as I sighed until I saw what was in Ivan's hands.

Maybe I should just wear it...I can get the antlers and so what if he could control how far I could push the light father could just back me up. I thought 

The trip wasn't long but it was boring as I looked out the window wondering if this was a good idea. Once we arrived at the tent David now had the two items and I looked at Aleksander knowing what he was offering. Power, joined power to show our union of what was going on.

"Will I still have control of my light?" I asked

"Of course Amira, I have no intention of taking that from you just showing we're doing this together." Aleksander said 

No, I will absorb the antlers once you put them on me. We will be connected but they won't be showing outside of my body. I thought 

I nod as we stood across from the other as David put the necklace around my neck and then I saw the other piece go on Aleksander's hand as He started. I'd never had something infused into me so it was weird but I waited till it was over. I saw him smirk but I knew that he had some claim on the amplifier for killing the stag yet I put my hands together as I felt it slowly go within my body as he looked shocked. 

"How did you do that?" Aleksander asked, "I absorbed some of the power already Aleksander, besides I don't want to look like a freak." I said but didn't even try to remove his part as I put the cloak on and started to walk out freely. Aleksander took me for a naive girl when he offered this but I knew I was cunning like him. 

Baghra taught me well but we are connected, the antlers though I may have absorbed it to not look like a captive he does have the other piece. I thought 

We walked towards the skiff where I was ready, I could feel it more than I had before as we walked on the boat. I was a bit scared as I saw my family there too for support and Zoya was at the sails.  I was scared of going into the fold for the first time.

Is this such a good idea? I thought 

[seanfalco]

Want | Priest!Kay x Reader {Part II}

Fandom: Season of the Witch Modern!AU Word Count: 2k Warnings: Catholicism, Religious imagery, Angst, Infidelity  (I’m also not Catholic, so hopefully I haven’t made any glaring errors.)

masterlist

He thought it would get easier as the weeks wore on, but Kay grimaced as he stepped behind the pulpit to face the congregation, his gaze instantly seeking out [y/n], her fiance’s arm resting across her shoulders, and he had to admit to himself that it was quite the opposite -- it was only getting harder to see her with him.   To keep his thoughts pure.

Their first lesson together had been… awkward to say the least, but by the second one they’d almost fallen back into the easy friendship of their teen days, which was both a relief and a worry to Kay.

If they kept getting more comfortable around each other, who knew what would happen then?

It was already going to be hard enough for him to watch her marry someone else when not so long ago that was what he’d wanted.  Growing close to her again would only make it that much harder.

When he’d broken up with her and left for seminary school like his father had wanted he thought he’d never see her again -- that even though it wasn’t what he’d wanted, that time would heal all wounds and that throwing himself into his studies would distract him enough to forget his feelings for her, and for a time it had, but it didn’t last.

He still sometimes woke in a cold sweat, their breakup haunting his dreams, the hurt look on her face as he’d turned away wrenching at his heart.  

They’d been so young and it had all happened so fast, their feelings too great, too overwhelming, too soon.

And he’d ran.

Only to find regret waiting for him, but by then it was too late and now… now he’d have to live with that regret.

He’d never have [y/n], and he’d never be a good priest.  How could he give all of himself to God if someone else still held his heart?

——

“So, how was your week?” Kay asked, hanging up his robe as [y/n] took her usual seat across from his desk, the little notebook she’d been scribbling notes in during their lessons resting in her lap.

He knew that she’d never been religious before, not outright atheist, but definitely agnostic.  However, during their lessons she was attentive and diligent -- always asking questions and taking notes.  He just wasn’t sure how much of that was from a true willingness to learn or merely out of respect for him.

“It wasn’t bad,” she answered with a small shrug.  “Nothing much happened.  This is honestly the highlight of my week,” she admitted, her eyes flicking up to his meaningfully.

Somehow Kay doubted it was because of church, but he’d be lying if he said that this wasn’t the highlight of his week as well…

“I’m glad our lessons mean that much to you,” he murmured, fighting the urge to loosen his collar.  “Uhm, before we get started,” he continued quickly, forcing his hands to still in front of him on his desk.  He’d definitely caught [y/n]’s little smirk at his words, and was trying to ignore it.  

“Why don’t you tell me a little about Matthew.  How you two met,” Kay suggested, trying to keep his voice neutral, but [y/n] looked up at him sharply, suspicion in her calculating gaze.

It was purely in his interest as their Reverend, he told himself.  He wasn’t asking for any other reason.

Frowning for a moment, [y/n] cleared her throat.  “We met through our parents,” she explained slowly, her expression not exactly what one would expect a newly engaged woman to wear as she spoke of her betrothed, and Kay’s heart constricted.

She doesn’t look happy, he observed as she told him how their parents had thought it would be a good match.

Don’t be ridiculous, Kay told himself firmly, ignoring that first thought.  That’s just wishful thinking because part of you doesn't want her to get married, to lay with anyone else, to look at them with love in her eyes, when it should be you.

Shaking loose his thoughts, Kay realized he’d missed much of what she’d said, but what he had caught hadn’t exactly sounded romantic, and he fought against losing himself once more to memories of their time together before it had all come crashing down.

Of late night phone calls that neither wanted to end, leading to Kay listening to [y/n] sleep over the phone, wishing she were next to him instead of her own bed.  Of handwritten love letters passed discreetly through lockers and left in textbooks, clandestine make out sessions during cut classes, and holding hands as he walked her home every day.  Of their awkward, if sweet, first time that had led to a second time shortly after, full of laughter and affirmations of love.

Did she love Matthew like she’d loved him?

“Kay…?”

“Hmm, I’m sorry, I lost my thoughts for a moment there,” he admitted sheepishly, hoping it wouldn’t be obvious where his thoughts had slipped to.

“That’s alright, it’s not exactly the most riveting story,” [y/n] murmured with a wry twist of her lips.  “Let’s, uhm, let’s get on with the lesson, shall we?” she asked and Kay was only too relieved to agree, not exactly keen to dwell any more on the topic of [y/n]’s fiance.

——

In order to speed things along to keep on schedule for your swiftly approaching wedding, Kay had suggested meeting twice a week for your lessons, and you’d only been all too happy to agree.

However, it was getting harder and harder to keep him off your mind, finding yourself thinking of him during every spare moment, even on the rare occasions Matthew wanted to have sex.  The night before, you’d nearly cried out the wrong name, Kay’s name practically springing to your lips, and disappointment twisted like a knife when you’d opened your eyes to find it wasn’t him hovering over you.

So it was to your great dismay that today’s lesson was about confession.

“We went over all this in principle last time, but this time we’ll do a practice run,” Kay was saying as he led you down to the sanctuary, blessedly empty save for the two of you.  Stopping in front of the confessional, your stomach in your throat, you hesitated, Kay noticing your reluctance.

“Are you nervous, [y/n]?”

“Yeah, you could say that,” you murmured, your nerves at an all time high.

“I promise it’s not as daunting as it seems,” Kay murmured, resting his hand on the small of your back, ushering you toward the door, a reassuring smile on his face.

As you took your seat atop the hard wooden bench inside you fidgeted as you waited for Kay to join you on the other side of the latticed partition.

This would be so much easier if you didn’t know the priest.

“Okay, [y/n],” Kay said as he took his seat, his voice soothing.  “Remember, the Sacrament of Confession is between you, me, and God.  I cannot disclose anything you tell me in here, to anyone,” he reminded you and you nodded, though it didn’t exactly make you feel any better.  He would still know about it.

“Alright my child, you may begin,” Kay prompted and you bit your lip, taking a steadying breath.

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” you began, reciting the words he’d taught you.  “I uhm, I’ve sinned, well… a lot, and uhh, recently, in fact,” you muttered, looking down at your hands.  

With the partition between you, you couldn’t really see Kay, just his outline, but you could feel his gaze on you.

“Well, I’ve… masterbated… and I use birth control regularly, which is a big no-no, I guess,” you said, giving a nervous laugh before continuing.   “I’ve had premarital sex, which… I mean, you know about that,” you added, clearing your throat, reluctant to admit more.

“Go on, you’re doing well,” Kay urged gently and you nodded, continuing.

“I… I’ve coveted, and lied, I’ve taken the Lord’s name in vain and I’ve…” your voice faltered and failed.  “I’ve--” you tried again, taking another breath and swallowing, your throat suddenly very dry.

“I’ve had thoughts of an impure nature about someone other than my fiance,” you admitted.  “--About someone I should not be.  Someone I thought I’d never see again.”

Pausing, it was obvious who you meant, and your eyes flicked up to the partition where you felt Kay’s were and you wondered just what sort of expression he was wearing.

“And now that I have… seen him again, I can’t seem to get him off my mind,” you murmured.

For a long moment silence stretched and you wished you could take it all back.

“[y/n].” Kay’s voice wavered before strengthening.  “That is… highly inappropriate,” he said hesitantly, his words like a slap to the face, though you knew he was right.

“Don’t you think I know that?” you exclaimed.  “I’ve tried to stop, believe me!  But I fucking can’t and I--I don’t know if I want to,” you cried, frantically blinking back tears, your stomach churning.  “I miss you, Kay, and every moment we’re together feels like torture.  I… I thought I could do this, but I can’t.”

“[y/n]--”

Before he could say more, you pushed off the bench and threw open the door, suddenly feeling lightheaded and needing air, Kay right on your heels.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about me too,” you exclaimed, turning to him, frustration and anger lacing your words.  Kay watched you with an unreadable expression.  “I’ve seen it in your eyes, Kay.  You always had the worst poker face.  Don’t tell me there’s nothing there,”you insisted, almost pleading and he looked away, blinking rapidly.

“[y/n], don’t…” he said, unable to quite look at you.  “You know we can’t happen.”

“You didn’t answer me,” you pressed, taking a step toward him, desperation filling your voice now, your stomach twisting til you felt you were going to be sick.  

“It… it doesn’t matter,” Kay replied sadly, shaking his head.  “I’m a man of the cloth now.  I’m committed to the Church and you -- you’re engaged to be married, [y/n]!” he exclaimed, his voice cracking as he lifted his arms only to let them fall helplessly to his sides again, his hands curling into fists.

“What we had was a long time ago.  We’ve both moved on, and I won’t be the one to break up your marriage.  I don’t want to be the reason,” he insisted, though it looked like it pained him to say it.

“Yeah well, I never wanted this!” you cried, your voice clearly shaking now and you couldn’t keep the tears from your eyes any longer, feeling them fall down your cheeks.  “You were the one that pushed me away and then… then you ran away where I couldn’t follow!”

Taking a shaky breath, you scrubbed at the dampness streaking your face.  “You want my confession, Father?  I still have feelings for you, they never went away,” you admitted, breathing heavily, your chest constricting with panic.

When Kay didn’t speak, his emerald eyes pained, you continued, grasping at straws.

“Is this truly what you want?” you asked, your voice hoarse.

“It is,” he said softly, carefully not meeting your gaze.  “Even if I… harboured feelings for you, I cannot act on them, so please don’t put me in that position, [y/n].”

When he finally lifted his head, his eyes rising to yours once more, he shook his head sadly, his long curls shivering.

“Besides, you don’t want me,” he murmured.  “I can’t give you the life you deserve.”

Deafening silence filled the church and you stood there in disbelief.

If only you’d kept your mouth shut, you thought angrily -- angry at yourself, because you knew, you knew deep down you couldn’t have just kept going that way, lying to yourself, to him.

Taking a deep breath, you forced yourself to lift your chin.

“You’re wrong.”

When you turned, Kay took a panicked step toward you, reaching out before you pulled away.

“Where are you going?  [y/n]?” he called after you, but you didn’t stop, heading for the doors.

“I’m sorry, Kay.  I can’t do this.”

Without another word you yanked open the handle and slipped out of the church before he could convince you to stay.

----------------------

Everything Tag List: @magic-multicolored-miracle​​ @midnightseance​​ @etherealsxnder​​ @iamsexytrash​​ @orions-nebula​​ @slutforrobbiebro​​ @the-freckled-luba​​ @robertsscumbag​​

[beyondthetower]

Poppies in the Graveyard (Byleth x Felix)

Summary: In an attempt to make sense of what has happened in the past five years, Byleth finds herself at her parents grave.

Characters/Pairing: Byleth x Felix

Word Count: 1.7K

Warnings: Lil bit o’ angst

A/N: I’m marrying Felix in my VW play-through and I didn’t think I would have that many feelings for him but man did I fall hard for this brooding boy.

It rained all weekend. Rainy days had a way of squirming their way into Byleth’s heart and hardening it. It reminded her of her father’s death. Reminding her that soon as he had passed, had smiled at her one last time, the heavens opened up. Symbolic: that’s what people called it. People that didn’t know the truth of who she was. It was like the Goddess wept with you, Mercedes had said a few days after it happened. Byleth wanted to correct her, to tell her that the Goddess wept whenever she wept because they were one in the same. But it didn’t matter much to her who understood and who didn’t.

That had been so many years ago that Byleth wondered if people even remembered her father’s death or if it had become just another nameless sacrifice in the sake of somebody’s “greater good”. It broke her heart to think that it was a possibility.

Now, on rainy days, Byleth would move without thinking. She would wake up, eat, grab some flowers from the greenhouse, and make her way to the cemetery.

Before her father told her the story of her mother, she would often find him standing by her gravestone. One day she had been walking back from training with Dimitri and noticed him hovering over the site with flowers. She had brushed it off at first. Surely he had known plenty of knights that were buried there. But the flowers made her wonder. And the frequency of his visits did too. She probably should have realized before he told her.

“Hi father. Hi mother.”

Byleth placed the flowers by the weathered stone. She sat down in the wet grass, ignoring the cold. Pulling her knees up to her chest, she smiled at the site of her father’s name resting beside her mothers. While she had never known much about her mother, Byleth could still feel the love he had for her. The few times he would mention her, the love on his face was rivaled only by the look he’d give her after she’d done particularly well in battle: a heart-swelling pride. It made her feel a connection she never realized she needed. She often told them that. On these visits, since the rain kept most people inside, Byleth often found herself talking to both of them.

“Whenever I was in a bad mood, father would always bring me whatever flowers he could find where we had set up camp that day.” Byleth smiled at the memory. “I always thought it was so out of character, as much as I loved them. But I see now that isn’t the case.”

She shuffled her feet into the dirt and watched the rain pool into the divots her heels made.

“The poppies were my favorites. I don’t know if I ever told you that, but they were. You must have known because you’d bring them often. Although, don’t think I didn’t notice you would bring them here, father. Does that mean they were my mother's favorite too?”

There was a low rumble of thunder in the distance. She hadn’t realized a storm was coming. It was still far off, and she hoped it wouldn’t blow away her flowers. It made her wonder about what Mercedes had said. Did the heavens open for her? Did storms manifest when she felt them start to stir within herself? Did she subconsciously make the rain when she needed an excuse to see them the most?

“Professor?”

Byleth was surprised to see Felix standing over her, his figure a silhouette in the dim light of the flickering oil lamps. His thick, fur coat hung loosely on his shoulders, like he was only wearing it because someone told him he had to. “Felix,” she said quickly, with a wrinkle in her brow.

He scoffed. “Don’t sound so surprised,” he said. “I might have hated the guy but he was still my father.” He nodded toward the freshly planted stone beside her.

Byleth had forgotten that Rodrigue was buried there. He had only been gone a few weeks, and Ingrid had tried so desperately to figure out a way to get him back home for a proper burial that Byleth assumed that she had had happened. But on the grave beside her parents, Duke Rodrigue Achille Fraldarius was etched in large letters. She felt guilty for not bringing him anything.

“Is that Captain Jeralt’s grave?” Felix asked, squatting down beside her.

She nodded.

“Is there another name there?” Felix squinted at the fading text.

“My mother.” Byleth felt a warmth in her chest at the mention of her. She liked the sound of it. She wasn’t much for sentimentality, and she had never known her to begin with, but the past few months had made her softer. She wanted to know more about her past, and to pass that on to others.

She had a mother.

“I didn’t realize your mother was buried here,” he admitted. “In fact. I’ve never really thought about your mother at all. I just kind of assumed it was always just you and the Captain.”

“It was,” she agreed. “I never knew her. I was told she died from illness when I was small, and I just assumed she was buried in some far off village somewhere.”

“Told?”

Felix was a lot more perceptive than people gave him credit for. It made sense with how good he was in battle. He picked up on small things to use them to his advantage. But he never seemed to turn it off. He could pinpoint things about people that they thought they could hide away. Or, in Byleth’s case, pick up on words that only heightened the mystery that was her past.

“I didn’t find out the truth until later. Until after my father died,” she admitted.

“And she’s buried here,” Felix pointed out. “But I thought you had never been to the Garreg Mach before you started the job here.”

“I was born here,” she told him, and glanced back down at her parents stone. “Apparently. But my mother didn’t make it. The reasons behind it were...complicated. My father had been skeptical about it, and once I was born the church had this weird fascination with me that made him nervous.” She hadn’t meant to tell him this but she was glad to. It felt nice to talk about her family, as foreign as it was. And a reassuring calm had washed over her, urging her on.

“There was a fire that year apparently,” she went on. “One that claimed a lot of the living quarters, ours included. Father had used the opportunity to steal me away. After the death of my mother he didn’t feel much of an attachment to the place, and he was worried about the church’s growing obsession with me. So he hid me in a bundle in the stables and went to deliver the news to Lady Rhea that the baby had perished in the fire.”

“Risky move,” Felix said. “Hiding a baby in the stables. What if you had cried? He would have been killed.”

“I never cried,” she told him.

Felix looked at her, an eyebrow raised. “All babies cry.”

“That’s why it was so weird that I didn’t,” she added. “When my father died, I found his journals. That’s how I found all of this out. In it, he said that I was a very stoic baby. I never laughed, never cried, never made a sound. I only spoke when I was older when I absolutely needed to.” She smiled to herself again. “As weird as it was, Father kind of loved it. He always said I was the perfect person to live with, not being one for idle conversation.”

There was a huff beside her that Byleth thought might have been a laugh.

“When the Captain died,” Felix said finally. “Everyone was so sad at the passing of a great knight that I feel like…” He paused, either to choose his words carefully or to recall himself. “Did anyone check on you?”

Byleth was quiet for a moment. She felt the sting of tears rising in her eyes and she wondered why such a simple question would incite such a reaction. The truth was, it wasn’t a straight forward answer. She didn’t have time to be checked on. She was thrust into the work of teaching, preparing her students for battle, and devising new tactics to fit the new enemies they were facing. She wasn’t quite sure she had time to be checked on.

Felix shifted uncomfortably beside her. “One of us should have...I mean...someone should have…”

“It was complicated,” Byleth tried.

“It always is. That isn’t an excuse.”

“You didn’t know,” she added.

“I did though.”

He looked down at his Rodrigue’s grave then. Byleth had almost forgotten that there had been a reason he was there in the first place. She felt a pang of guilt at having blubbered on about her own parents when Felix’s wound was still fresh. The grass hadn’t even begun to sprout on his father’s plot yet.

“How are you doing?” Byleth asked to break the tension. “After your father, I mean.”

Felix huffed again, a dark smile spreading across his face. “It’s complicated,” he parroted.

“I’ve been told that’s not an excuse.”

“Too true.” Felix pushed himself back up onto his feet and tore his gaze away from his father’s stone. “Maybe some other time. That storm is coming this way pretty quickly.”

Byleth looked over the cemetery walls toward the forest beyond. The clouds were darker now. Blades of lightning struck silently in the distance, hinting at the impending chaos. She wondered if they would affect her at all.

He nodded over toward the low glimmer of the dormitory windows. “Come on,” he said. “I’ll walk you back.”

She agreed, and pushed herself up onto her feet. “And you’ll tell me how you’re doing on the walk back?” she tried. “Complications and all?”

Felix huffed another amused breath and gestured toward the stairs. “Another time, perhaps,” he told her. “I don’t think the walk is quite long enough.”

[justgillespie]

Missing (6/?)

Summary: Your next door neighbor, Luke Patterson (a.k.a. your longtime crush) has gone missing, and you think you could help finding him.

Word count: 2.8k

Warnings: none!

Author’s note: Hi! So I’m back, and I’ve had a big writer’s block, so that’s why this part is kind of 💩. Anyways, hope you still enjoy!

Part 7

•

Sunday went fine.

You and your family went to church, you had lunch back at your house and then even watched a movie together, before getting everything ready for your sister’s boyfriend’s visit. He came and charmed your parents and yourself. He was very nice and polite. You couldn’t help but be grateful for the fact that he was nice to YOU. Tamra’s other boyfriends were usually indifferent at your presence and some of them would even get bothered by you, which you always thought was ridiculous because you didn’t even talk around them, as Tamra would ask you. And most importantly, he did like dessert. You and Tamra decided to bake Torta Tres Leches (your specialty) and he loved it. And after dinner, he helped you and your sister clean the dishes.

“...We ain’t searching for tomorrow...”

Tyler sang while washing a plate, and you couldn’t hide your surprise.

“You know Sunset Curve?”

Maybe it shouldn’t surprise you that much. They had performed in several places before. Maybe it should surprise you if someone didn’t know them.

“You know them?” He asked smiling.

“The lead singer is our neighbor next door.” Tamra informed him.

“That’s awesome! Could we meet him?” He said with shiny eyes.

“Sure. If he wasn’t missing.” Tamra said, placing the dishes in their place.

“What?” He said, his eyes wide open. “Really? That’s messed up! I know them because they tried to set their stuff in front of the caffe once, a while ago, but my boss kicked them out as soon as he saw them. But they dropped a demo on the sidewalk, I think on purpose, and I took it. I’ve been listening to it nonstop ever since.”

“Would you mind borrowing it to Y/N? She’s trying to reach them to find Luke. Luke’s the lead singer.” Tamra explained.

“Sure, I can give it to you this week.” Tyler said looking at you.

“Don’t worry about it. I don’t think I’m doung that anymore.”

“What? Really?” Tamra asked you. “Why?”

“Long story.” Not really.

Your sister looked like she wanted to insist, so you spoke again.

“I’m telling you about it later.” You rolled your eyes.

Tyler and Tamra kept talking about the band and she told him about the time she saw them playing at the bookclub. You helped them finish cleaning the rest of the dishes, quietly.

“I’m heading up to my room. It was nice meeting you Tyler.” You smiled politely.

“You aren’t watching a movie with us?” He asked, and you shook your head.

“Next time, I promise.”

“Perfect. See you soon, kiddo.”

You said you wouldn’t, but once you got to your room, you couldn’t help to open your window and look at Luke’s room again. Still empty and perfectly cleaned.

What Tamra said got stuck in your head. You started the investigation just four days ago, and you were already giving up.

I wouldn’t say it’s giving up, you thought, it doesn’t make any sense to keep looking for him if he has no plans of coming back.

Maybe there was such thing as too optimistic, after all. You underestimated the situation and expected too much. You didn’t realize how real this was until now. And right then it hit you: this wasn’t a joke. Luke was missing. Kind of. And you were trying to find him?

You must’ve looked ridiculous playing the detective.

You were still starring at the other side of your window when you heard Tamra laying down on your bed, in a jump.

“You didn’t watch the movie?” You asked, finally turning your head to see her.

“No. I told him to go home. It’s pretty late already and he has to work tomorrow.” She responded, looking at the ceiling.

You left your window seat and climbed onto you bed next to her.

“He’s super cool. I like him. Mom and dad did too.”

“Yeah.” You noticed the little smile on her face. “He loved you all too. Especially you. He says you’re adorable.”

You rolled your eyes. “I’m only two years younger than you two.”

“Well, say that to him. He told me he’s taking you as his little sister. He’s an only child, by the way.”

“That sounds fun.” You joked and she hit your arm slightly. “I’m just kidding! But I always wanted a big brother, so he’s more than welcome.”

“Hey!”

“I didn’t say I want to change you for him.” You rolled your eyes. “I just want an older brother, that’s all.”

You tried to distract her for a little while, talking about Tyler, but that didn’t work for too long.

“What’s that about you quitting the investigation?” Tamra finally asked, and you sighed.

“That I’m letting the police do their work.”

“But, why?”

“It’s too much. I am just a sixteen year old.”

“You’re just months away from being seventeen.”

“Does that change anything?”

She looked at you carefully. “What happened?”

You shook your head before talking.

“Every time I think or feel I’m closer to find him, turns out I’m only further. Did you know this isn’t a movie? Where everything just comes in hand? Because apparently, I didn’t. And now I’m here.”

Tamra starred at you for a minute. “It’s weird seeing you giving up. You never give up. And you’re always so positive. It makes me crazy sometimes but it’s one of things I appreciate about you.”

It’s not giving up, you wanted to say, but maybe it was.

“But I guess you’re right. You are just a sixteen-almost-seventeen year old. How much could you do?”

She said it on purpose and you knew it. She wanted to get in your head. She just didn’t know she already did.

You just stayed silent.

You did feel bad. You tried not to think too much about it, but you did. You didn’t like the way you just... well, gave up. The way you were so close, and still didn’t get Luke. But it happened. And this wasn’t a game. It was real life.

“Are we not gonna talk about the cute guy that brought you home yesterday?”

Your thoughts fade away when Tamra spoke again after a while.

“Josh?”

“That’s his name? I didn’t remember. But, yeah, him I guess.”

“He asked me out. And I said yes.”

“Really?” She raised an eyebrow at you. “So you’re planning on dating him or...?”

“I don’t know. Maybe?”

“Maybe is not an answer.���

“Um, yes it is. As in, maybe I will date him. Maybe I will not.”

“The fact that you’re hesitating is a bad sign.”

“I’m just-” You sat in your place. “-not sure. What if I waste this opportunity? I mean, come on. Josh is cute. Really cute. He plays football, likes to read, he’s really sweet and he’s fun to be with. But...”

“He’s not Luke.”

“Yeah, he’s not... wait.” Your heart sank. “What do you mean?!”

Tamra chuckled. “You thought I didn’t notice? You are really obvious.”

“But- how-? What-?” You shook your head, confused.

“I noticed ever since we moved. You were all heart-eyed for him the day him and his family came with those delicious muffins.”

Somehow, you felt a bit relieved. At least she didn’t know you’ve been sort of spying on him.

“Every time he says hi to you, you have a dumb smile on your face. I’d be surprised if he doesn’t know you like him.”

You blushed. You really hoped Tamra was just exaggerating like she usually does.

“I’m surprised you never talked to him, though.” She added.

You just shrugged and didn’t say anything.

“So?!” Tamra asked. “You’re not gonna give me any details?”

“There’s not much to say.” You said. “I have a crush on him even though I don’t actually know him.”

“But you could get to know him. Once he’s back.”

You held back a laugh. If he wants to come back, you couldn’t help thinking.

“If you like him, you should go for it. I mean, I don’t see why not.”

“I don’t know. He makes me feel weird.”

“In a good or bad way?”

“Good way, I guess. But I don’t know how to act about it, you know? I’ve never actually dated anyone. I’ve been living out of crushes my whole life.”

“That’s because you never make time to date anyone.”

“I don’t have, the time to do so. I’m always either at school or dance. And when I’m not, I’m here practicing or doing homework. That’s why I usually bring my friends here instead of actually going out. Yesterday was the first time I went out in a month... What I’m trying to say is that dating is not a priority of mine. I like Luke, but nothing ever happens with him. If things were supposed to happen, they should’ve happened already.”

“But that’s because you don’t make a move.”

“Why can’t he make the first move?”

“Nobody said he can’t. He’s just not doing anything, so maybe you should do it first.”

“Don’t you think that the reason he doesn’t make any moves could be because he’s not interested in me?”

“Do you know that for sure?”

“No, but-“

“Then you will never know.” She sat and faced you. “You’re wasting your time.”

You wanted to disagree, but it was true. Luke wasn’t your first crush, but he was the first boy you’ve ever considered the idea of dating. Or at least you fantasized with that image in your head.

“I’m just saying.” She lifted herself up from your bed and walked to the door. “Didn’t you regret it when you found out he ran away? You’ll have a second chance, but it’s up to you, if you take it or not.”

When Tamra left, you tried to ignore everything she said, because it really was nothing you haven’t thought about already.

A second chance.

That reminded you of the promise you made to Mrs. Patterson.

You told her you would visit her the next day after school, when you found her at church. Mr. Patterson even thanked you personally for doing so, and told him she looked better ever since your first visit. But did you have the heart to tell her you’re not searching for Luke anymore? You weren’t even sure if she actually believed you could find him, but it still didn’t seem easy to tell her that.

•

“Hey.” Max sat next to you in your backyard, later that night.

It was ten thirty, or maybe eleven when you called him, and asked if he could come over.

“Hey. Thank you for coming.”

“Of course.” He said, nudging his elbow against your arm, slightly.

You gave him a smile.

“Sorry for not calling today.” He said and you frowned.

“Why?”

Max’s cheeks went red. “Uh- I don’t know, I just, um-.”

You chuckled. “I’m just kidding. It felt weird for me too. To not talk to you today, I mean.”

He relaxed his face. “Yeah, yeah. I didn’t know if you felt that too.”

“I do. You’re kind of my best friend now.”

He looked surprised to your eyes. Maybe even excited.

“I thought you already had a best friend.”

“Let me guess. You assumed, I had a best friend?” You teased.

He giggled. “Yeah. Exactly.”

“Well, you were wrong.”

You haven’t had a best friend since elementary school. Your old best friend, Ana, moved to another city the year you started middle school, and although you were pretty sociable, you never really found a friendship like hers again. It was tough for you, but you managed to keep going. It wasn’t like you didn’t have friends. But of course, you still felt the need of a solid friendship.

“We’ve known each other for... three months?”

“Two.”

“Just two? Wow.” He shook his head. “It feels like more. We’ve known each other for two months, and I don’t think we’ve talked as much as these last few days. I don’t think I’ve trusted anyone this fast before.”

You chuckled. “Me neither. It feels weird.”

“Yeah. And nice.”

“Yeah.” You looked at him. “I didn’t hear you say it, though.”

He didn’t have to ask to know what you meant.

“Come on. Say it.” You insisted.

“You’re my best friend too.” He rolled his eyes, smiling.

“I thought you already had a best friend.” You joked. But you actually meant it. Unlike you, he had Ian.

For your surprise, he frowned. “Who?”

You looked at him kind of annoyed. “Ian? When I asked you if you had friends, at the library, you said you had Ian.”

“I never said he was my best friend.” He then smiled. “See? You assumed.”

“I’m spending too much time with you.”

He laughed. “Definitely... but, no, Ian isn’t my best friend. We do see each other often, because our parents are close friends. And there’s school too. But we don’t like... I don’t know. Have deep talks? Or anything. What do best friends even do together?”

You laughed.

“We don’t even hang out together at school.” He continued. “He has his own friends.”

“But he went with you to ask more about Luke, the other day.”

“Well, yeah, we trust each other enough to ask favors. That doesn’t mean we’re close.”

You stayed silent, processing everything.

“It makes me feel bad that you don’t know what best friends do.” You then said.

“Thanks?”

“First of all, best friends tell each other everything.”

“Okay...” He nodded, like taking a mental note.

“I’ll go first.” You said. “I’m going out with Josh next Saturday.”

“You what?!”

“Yeah.” You said indifferent. “He kind of asked me out yesterday and I said yes.”

“I’m honestly surprised. I didn’t think he was your type.”

“Who did you think was my type?”

“Well, I don’t know...” He looked up, thinking. “I kind of see you with someone like Luke.”

“Really?” You said. Not really believing it. He had to be teasing. Maybe he knew you have a crush on him too.

“Yeah... actually, yes. It makes sense the more I think about it.”

You shook your head and almost decided to not confront him. But you just said best friends tell each other everything.

“You can say it now.”

“Say what?”

“That you know I like Luke. And tell me I’ve wasted my time, that I should’ve done something before and definitely talk to him once he’s back.”

“Wow, hold on a second.” He frowned and shook his head repeatedly. “You like Luke?!”

“Either you’re too naive or my sister was just exaggerating when she said I was being obvious about my feelings.”

“Honestly? If someone else told me, I wouldn’t have believed it. Man.” He scoffed, amused. “It really is hard to tell when you like someone. You’re just... all yourself with everyone. You don’t give special treats. Maybe Tamra could tell because she knows you better than anyone.”

You considered his theory. Maybe he was right.

“What I said about... about me seeing you with someone like Luke it’s true, though. I just haven’t thought about it until now.”

He laughed and you laughed along with him.

You enjoyed each other’s company in silence for a minute before you spoke again.

“I saw Reggie and Bobby yesterday. At the party.”

And you told him what happened. Maybe it wasn’t much of a surprise, but he was mad.

“Why didn’t you tell me?! I could’ve helped somehow!”

“Max, you were with Aria. I wasn’t going to interrupt.”

“You weren’t going to-.” He ran a hand though his hair, frustrated. “I can’t believe you right now! This was important! I mean, I would’ve get it if you interrupted me for some other stupid reason but this was about Luke! We could’ve found him, we-“

“Did you not just hear me? They wouldn’t say anything, just like you said before.”

“I’ll talk to them. Tomorrow at school-.”

“It wouldn’t make sense. Bobby said Luke needed some time. We don’t know how much time is that but we do know that he’s not planning on coming back soon.”

“But Mrs. Patterson...”

“I told you I sent him a message. With a little bit about everything maybe. Including his family.”

“Yeah, but he’ll think Amy sent him the message.”

“Does it even matter?”

“Well, I thought it would now that I know you like him.”

“The correct answer is, no. It doesn’t matter. The point is for him to know his family is okay. My feelings are not a part of this. Hopefully he’ll talk about it with his pillow and come back sooner than expected. For his parents.”

“...So, is it over? It’s done?”

You knew he meant the investigation, and you didn’t respond right away, trying to come up with something. You found yourself worried he would get mad again. Or reproach you like Tamra did.

“I think... at least for now, yeah. We’re done with that. We got enough information to know there’s really not much we could do.”

Another silence grew between you two.

“Come on.” You said after a while. “Tell me about Aria. How are things going with her?”

He smiled, like he was waiting for you to say that.

Max stayed until the clock ticked 12:48 and he only left because he remembered finals at his school started the next day. That was the reason he didn’t call you the whole day, because he was studying. That made you remember that finals at your own school started the next week. Exams at your dance studio did too.

But you would stress about that later.

Right now, you had a beautiful view above you, and you were willing to enjoy it as long as you could.

•

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