#he tried so hard and I say this with so much love and understanding shawn refused to EVER give him the light of day

[lonesomedotmp3]

jack wanted to be a good older brother soooo bad 😿😿😿😿 jack...

[vettelinyourarea]

kid in love - oliver bearman

genre: fluff

warning: english is not my first language

word count: 799

inspired by kid in love by shawn mendes

definitely a shorter fict, but i had a lot of fun writing it.

feel free to give me a feedback!

and i know that we just met

and maybe this is dumb

but it feels like there was something from the moment that we touched

Ollie met you for the first time through a mutual friend. He remembers that moment very clearly, as if it just happened five minutes ago. It was in the small bookstore you family owned. And no, Ollie is not the biggest reader, but he surely spends a lot of time in the bookstore just so he could talk to you.

He still remembers how soft your hand was when you shake his hand for the first time. Olli was not a believer of ‘love at the first sight’ or anything of that sort, but he surely felt his breath got taken away when he first hear your voice saying his name.

“Hi Ollie, nice to meet you.”

the way you’re lighting up the room

caught the corner of my eye

we can both sneak out the back door

we don’t have to say goodbye

it was a few months after Ollie got introduced to you when he finally gather up some courage to ask you to hang out. The first time he went out with you, he insisted that it wasn’t a date or anything like that. Well, he tried to convince himself that anyway.

He invited you to go to the aquarium after he noticed how much love you have for sea creatures. Listening to your ramble about them makes himself happy even though he doesn’t understand much.

Ollie can confirm that the moment he saw your eyes lit up when you entered the aquarium area, that was the moment he finally admitted to himself that he had fall for you, hard. The way your eyes sparkled underneath the aquarium light makes him unable to look at anything but you. The way you smiled and thank him for taking you there makes Ollie realized he never wants to say goodbye to you at the end of the day.

“Do you want to go grab some dinner first?”

maybe i’m just a kid in love

maybe i’m just a kid in love oh, baby

if this is what it’s like falling in love

then i don’t ever wanna grow up

Okay, maybe it was a bit of an exaggeration when he called you to be the best thing that ever happened to him in his whole entire life. Afterall, he just turned 18 a couple of months ago. But that doesn’t mean what he said wasn’t true.

For Ollie, falling for you comes naturally. He loves everything about you. He will listens to anything you said even though he doesn’t understand any of it, he will watch over you anytime, he would sacrifice anything in his life if it meant you’re living happily.

Both of you are just two cluelessly in love. But oh, how much Ollie wish not to grow up if this is how it feels to be a kid in love.

if you’re feeling kinda crazy

turn down the lights

we can take our time

do whatever you like

Ollie also remembers the moment he asked you to be his girlfriend. It was midnight, you were reading a book while he finished his essay. He remembers the soft music playing on the background and a couple of scented candles lit up on the kitchen counter, making the scene feels very romantic.

“Can I be your boyfriend?” he had asked, mentally scolding himself right after. Because who the hell said that? He had thought

“What?” you asked, pretty surprised by his sudden outburst. How could you not? You were literally shoving down an entire bowl of popcorn into your mouth when he asked you that, seemingly out of nowhere.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” he finally asked correctly with a blush coloring his cheek.

You don’t need to be asked thrice and a full confession to accept him.

you make me feel like i got it all

and you make me feel like i’m just a kid in love

you make me feel like i got it all

and you make me feel like i don’t ever wanna grow up

Being in a relationship with you is way better than what Ollie had ever dreamed of. You are always there for him. You were there when he finished his F3 season. You were there when it was announced that he will be joining F2 for the next season.

Ollie is also there on every step of your life. He was there when you graduated high school. He was also there right next to you when you opened your offer letter from your dream university

With you on every step of his journey, Ollie was sure that he will always be a kid in love and how he wish to never grow up.

[cosette141]

Before and After: a Rewrite of a 9-Year Old Fic :)

Comparing my 2015 writing (from a Psych fic called "Space") to my 2024 writing as I revise this old fanfic!

When I found a 9-year-old fanfic of mine again and couldn't stop cringing, I decided to give it a makeover, and here's a before and after of a section :D

ORIGINAL (2015):

"Get him up."

Shawn woke with a start. He winced as his head erupted in pain and his eyes cracked open. Someone had just dropped him onto solid concrete. Shawn shut his eyes, cringing from the throbbing headache. What happened? Everything was a painful blur.

"Get up."

Shawn felt a sharp kick to his back and he opened his eyes again. He was lying in the middle of an empty parking lot, the cold concrete almost soothing his pain. Everything hurt. The world was spinning.

NEWLY REVISED (2024):

Shawn’s eyes shot open, sharp agony thrusting him gracelessly into a world of pain.

A groan caught somewhere in his throat as he blinked, but his vision was a blurred kaleidoscope of gray and black— concrete? —yet the daylight only made the his pounding head more excruciating. He screwed his eyes shut, barely holding in another groan. Even with his eyes shut, the world was spinning, and Shawn desperately tried not to be sick.

“Wake up.”

The sudden voice from above him, male and unfamiliar, made Shawn’s eyes snap back open. And suddenly he realized what caused the fresh pain and the abrupt wakefulness—he’d been dropped or thrown to the ground. Yes—this cold, hard, unforgiving thing was, in fact, the ground.

That didn’t yet explain why the world was still spinning. (Other than the scientific fact that the world was spinning constantly that Gus would remind him of if he were here.) Was Gus here? Was this the Mexican border? Is this payback?

Better question: where was here?

Shawn shut his eyes again, cringing from the vicious headache. Upgrade that mild concussion from the Elin case to… whatever came after severe.

-.-.-.

AO3 link (but I'm not done revising it yet so if you read it, I'd suggest marking for later until about July 2024 to get a better reading experience haha)

My thoughts about the revision:

Back in 2015, this was my 2nd fanfic I'd ever written, my first for Psych, and I definitely can see now how much more I leaned toward "telling" than showing. Also, how little descriptiveness I used when it came to emotions.

Ultimately the biggest change I think in my writing is how nowadays I try my best to write "through a character", as if the narrative is through their eyes, feeling what they're feeling through all five senses, telling the story through their filter of what the character is currently going through. So these days if I have a concussed or confused character, I'd want to lean more toward having the narrative describe the situation in more of a roundabout way, so that the reader themselves are struggling to understand what's going on along with the character. I love stories where the reader feels like they're literally the character, or feeling exactly what they're feeling, and that I feel was really missing from the original version.

Instead of just saying "his head erupted in pain", describing the visceral experience of it was missing. A head injury is more than just pain--it's confusion, dizziness, lack of focus and memory, and a lot of that description was missing too. Rambling narratives are great for showing a confused or panicked character, and this character in particular is already known for yammering on a lot so I definitely had to add some of that in, haha.

This has been such a fun thing to do to revisit, haha. :D

[tameodesza]

Love’s Maze (BretShawn)

<< Prev. | Next >>

AO3 link

As Shawn focuses on self-improvement, he reflects on his feelings for Bret. Owen concocts a plan.

a/n: The story will be more BretShawn-focused from here on out!

Shawn noticed a shift within himself after his run-in with Marty.

Although their talk was hard, it was oddly therapeutic. Saying goodbye to Marty for the last time allowed Shawn to get the closure he didn’t know he needed. It solidified that they were done for good, and Shawn was ok with that.

He could finally move on with no regrets.

In the spirit of moving on, Shawn decided to take his own advice and focus on himself. After so many years of relying on someone else for happiness and validation, he needed to put himself first.

It was during his time away with his parents that Shawn realized just how many red flags he ignored in his failed relationship.

One thing that stood out like a sore thumb was Marty’s possessiveness. Anything involving Shawn came down to Marty’s decision. From his hairstyle to his clothes, to who he could hang out with, even down to his diet. Marty had to have a say in all of it.

At the time, Shawn didn’t give it much thought. He usually wrote it off as Marty knowing what’s best for him, Marty caring for him, Marty showing him that he loved him.

It took Shawn being far removed from the situation for him to realize what it truly was.

Control.

Marty needed to feel like he was in control at all times – in control of their careers, in control of their relationship, and more importantly, in control of Shawn.

And Shawn let him.

But now that Marty was a nonfactor, Shawn was determined to find himself again, and part of that included working on himself and focusing on the things that mattered to him. Not anyone else.

His first order of business was throwing out his leftover boxes of bleached hair dye. He’d rather rock his natural blond than to ever lighten his hair again. Although it gave him his signature look in The Rockers, it wasn’t Shawn.

He also made a conscious effort to eat a cleaner diet and work out more frequently. Now that he was solo, he no longer had to skip workouts or cut his sessions short due to Marty not being in the mood.

But Shawn didn’t just want a healthier body. He wanted a healthier mindset as well.

The toughest decision for the blond was cutting down on his consumption of drugs and alcohol.

Marty introduced Shawn to multiple substances throughout the relationship. And although Shawn didn’t use as heavily as Marty, he knew he was on the verge of having a problem if he didn’t at least try to slow down.

Shawn also took it upon himself to bury the hatchet with some of the guys he’d burnt bridges with in the locker room, which was no easy feat. Some of them were willing to forgive and forget. However, many of the guys were not as receptive, understandably so. But to be fair, Marty was the cause of 95% of Shawn’s locker room troubles.

Regardless of the mixed reaction, Shawn felt better after clearing the air, no longer having the pressure to ignore the guys or be rude to them in hopes of appeasing Marty.

Closing the chapter with Marty also allowed Shawn to finally acknowledge the complex feelings he’d been having for the one person who’d been a constant comfort in his life lately – Bret.  

He tried to ignore it at first – the butterflies in his stomach, the smile that spread involuntarily across his face when Bret spoke to him in passing, the way his heart skipped a beat when his hand accidentally brushed Bret’s, or the way his face reddened whenever Bret gave him a compliment.

But that was easier said than done.

“Earrings,” Bret asked incredulously as he watched Shawn scrutinize his appearance in great detail via the locker room mirror.

Shawn locked eyes with Bret through the mirror, asking, “It looks silly, doesn’t it?”

Seeing the doubt in Shawn’s eyes, Bret smiled softly, “No. I think it suits you.”

Shawn flashed a hopeful smile, turning towards Bret as he said, “Really? You don’t think it’s a bit much?”

“No, Shawn. You look good in anything, so stop psyching yourself out in that pretty little head of yours.”

Shawn raised an interested brow before batting his eyes and asking playfully, “So you think I’m pretty?”

Without missing a beat, Bret said matter-of-factly, “Yes.”

Shawn was stunned into silence, abruptly retreating back to the mirror to hide the blush that was quickly making its way across his cheeks as he continued getting ready for his match.

Unfortunately for him, Bret caught the blush in the mirror, sporting a smile of his own before leaving the room to find Owen.

Shawn’s feelings became even more complicated once he began having wet dreams that involved Bret. He was quick to write it off the first time it happened. He’d even avoid Bret for two days after it happened just to try and clear his mind.

However, it wasn’t long before it became a regular occurrence for the blond to wake up a sweaty mess in his hotel bed. And he felt so horrible and guilty about it – guilty because he knew he shouldn’t be thinking of his friend in such a leud way.

But that’s what made it so complicated. Bret was such a good friend to him, and Shawn would hate to ruin it just because he allowed his feelings to get in the way.

He was also hesitant to act on his feelings because things with Marty had started out the same way. Marty was such a good friend, so sweet to him, and made him feel special. And then it all went to shit. Shawn just couldn’t allow himself to go through that again.

Unbeknownst to Shawn, Bret was going through his own inner turmoil when it came to the blond. Despite being around Shawn nearly every day, Bret never got tired of the younger man. And his attraction to Shawn only seemed to grow the more time they spent together.

He appreciated that Shawn allowed him to see another side of him – a side that was only reserved for close friends and family. He wasn’t the cocky arrogant man that many people deemed him as in the locker room. Bret got to see him for who he truly was.

Bret so desperately wanted to pursue Shawn. It was hard not to when they got along so well. However, he didn’t want to push. And it’s not like he knew if Shawn would return his feelings. So until Shawn was ready, Bret would be the friend he needed.

However, Owen had a plan of his own. 

  While Bret and Shawn were unaware of the other’s interest, their connection was painfully obvious to Owen. Watching the two of them dance around each other was really exhausting, and he intended on letting Bret know about it.

“This is getting really annoying,” said Owen as he barged into the locker room.

Bret lifted his head, rolling his eyes when he saw Owen standing there with his hands on his hips as he irately tapped his foot on the floor. Bret continued lacing his boots saying, “And you’re really annoying. What are you even talking about?”

“You and Shawn. Just seal the deal already!”

Bret came to a stop, dropping the laces that were in his hands as he looked up at Owen. “Huh? What do you mean? Shawn and I are friends.”

“Oh really?”

Bret said flatly, “Really.”

“Hmm.” It was now or never, Owen thought to himself. “What if I told you that Shawn likes you, too?” Bret gave a straight face, causing Owen to insist, “I’m serious! He just told me!”

Shawn had, in fact, NOT told Owen anything of the sort. But Bret didn’t need to know that. 

Bret tilted his head inquisitively. He wanted to believe Owen. He really did. Bret had been so careful about not letting his feelings be known to Shawn, especially considering everything he’d gone through with Marty.

But if Shawn actually felt the same way about him, that certainly changed things.

However, Bret knew his brother was a prankster, and he wasn’t sure if he could trust anything coming out of Owen’s mouth. “Yeah, right,” said Bret as he finished up lacing his boots.

Owen looked on in disbelief, saying in exasperation, “You’re seriously not even going to try?!”

Done with his boots, Bret sat up in a huff, asking, “Why do you even care?”

“I…because you deserve to be happy, too, Bret.” That was the honest truth. As annoying as Owen could be, he really did love his big brother.

Owen was the first person that Bret reached out to when he found out his wife cheated on him. Owen was there for Bret throughout the entire divorce process, and he saw how upset and broken his brother was because of it.

He thought Bret would never find love again, the man being completely put off on the idea due to his failed marriage.

But things were different when Shawn came around.

It was the first time in a long time that Owen saw Bret take a serious interest in someone. It quickly became apparent to Owen that Bret wasn’t talking to Shawn just for a quick hookup. He actually liked the man. And Owen liked Shawn too. He thought Shawn would be a perfect fit for his uptight brother.

Shawn’s sneaky glances and soft smiles to Bret when he thought the man wasn’t looking – but Owen caught, of course – were enough for Owen to know that Shawn also felt something for his brother.

They just needed something to push them towards each other, and Owen would happily be that force. But it was kind of hard to do that with how oblivious Bret was.

Bret sighed as he stood up, walking towards Owen as he said, “Look, I’m glad you want to look out for me, Owen. I appreciate it. But my love life’s off limits, ok?”

Bret walked away, heading towards the door, but stopped at Owen’s words. “Fine. But don’t throw away your chance to let him know how you feel.”

  Bret and Shawn weren’t able to see each other until later that night due to their conflicting schedules. Vince was really serious about pushing Shawn in the singles division with his Heartbreak Kid gimmick, so he’d become busier than usual, which was fine by him. He’d rather focus on working than worrying about his life’s problems.

After his match that night, Shawn returned to the Harts’ locker room. He was expecting to have a quick chat with the guys, but upon opening the door, he found that the locker room was empty.

After showering, he came to see that the room was still empty. Shawn really wanted to wait for the guys to return, but he was in a rush to get to the hotel. So after getting dressed, he picked up his bag and made his way towards the door.

Before he could reach the doorknob, the door opened to reveal Bret along with Owen, Jim, and Davey trailing behind him. 

Owen’s eyes lit up as soon as he saw Shawn. “Hey, Shawn. You’re leaving already?”

“Yeah. I haven’t booked a room yet at the hotel, so I need to go see if there’s anything available.”

Owen turned to Bret, grinning proudly – a smile that usually meant trouble. “Oh, why don’t you just stay in Bret’s room-”

“Owen,” Bret hissed. 

Owen shrugged innocently. “What? Jim and I are sharing, and Davey’s going home, so you’re not sharing with anyone. You’d really let Shawn chance being stranded at the hotel without a room?”

Shawn perked up, actually not minding rooming with the older man. But he shrank back a bit at Bret’s reaction, the room arrangement seeming to bother him.

Shawn chimed in, “It’s ok. I don’t want to be a bother. I could room with Scott if all else fails. See you later, guys.” He left the room quickly before he could hear Owen’s protests.

With Shawn out of sight, Bret turned to Owen, saying with much disdain, “What the hell are you doing?!”

Owen frowned, “I’m just trying to help you out because heaven knows you’re not helping yourself!”

Jim nodded saying, “He’s got a point.”

Davey agreed, “Yeah, why is it such a big deal?”

Owen exclaimed, “See?! Even they agree with me.”

Bret groaned, “All you’re doing is making things weird for us! You don’t know the shit Shawn’s been through and you trying to force us together isn’t helping anything!” 

Owen threw up his hands in defeat. “Fine, whatever! I’m throwing in the towel. But when he gets swooped up by some other guy, I don’t want to hear you say shit about what you should have done!” Owen walked away in a huff as he headed towards the showers. 

Owen’s last words rang clear in Bret’s head, and he really hated the few times that Owen was right.

Given Shawn’s past with Marty, Bret wanted to give him space, to treat him as a friend, to let Shawn see that he really was interested in getting to know him as a person.

However, Bret knew he would be devastated if he missed out on telling Shawn how he felt. 

With his mind racing, Bret rushed out of the locker room hoping to catch Shawn before the blond left the arena. After searching through empty hallways, Bret spotted Shawn right as he was about to open the exit doors. 

“Hey, Shawn! Wait up!” Bret shouted down the hall loud enough for Shawn to hear him.

Shawn’s hand rested on the door handle as he turned to see Bret jogging towards him, the older man slightly out of breath once he reached him.

Shawn asked with concern, “Hey. Is something wrong?”

“No, no,” Bret panted. He took a moment to get his breathing under control before saying, “Um, are you sure you don’t want to share a room? It really wouldn’t be a bother, Shawn.”

Shawn raised a brow, surprised that Bret had chased him down the hall to ask that question. “I’m sure I’ll be fine. Thanks for offering, though.”

Ok, that’s not the way Bret expected the conversation to go, but he wasn’t giving up.

“Oh, ok. Well…you could still swing by my room later if you want to hang out.”

Shawn tilted his head asking, “Hang out?”

Bret shifted awkwardly, saying as nonchalantly as he could muster, “Uh, yeah only if you want to. Here.” He pulled out a pen from his jacket as well as an old receipt that was tucked in his jeans before writing down his hotel room number on the back of the receipt.

He held out the piece of paper to Shawn saying, “Just in case.”

Shawn slowly took the paper from Bret, tightly gripping it between his fingers as if his life depended on it.

Bret gave Shawn a gentle pat on the shoulder before turning and walking back towards his locker room, heart pounding the whole way there.

Shawn watched for a moment as Bret left down the hallway. He then looked down at the paper in his hand, smiling gently to himself before walking out of the arena.

[oceangirl24]

⭐️⭐️ for the fanfic director commentary

Oh, when an author in your fandom you really love sends you an ask! Thank you @winterlovesong1

I've been dying to talk about a section from The Return: The Uninvited where Jon and Shawn talk about Jon's estrangement from his parents.

I've been setting the groundwork for this since the beginning to address one of the questions I've always had about the show: out of all the adult characters on the show why was it that Jonathan Turner was the best placement for Shawn?

Unfortunately, the network forced a change in storyline and we never found out. Nor did we get much information about Jon's life prior to his arrival in Philadelphia.

The insight we did get into his life suggested an estrangement from his wealthy parents who wanted to impose their life on him, which he rejected. It also showed that his upbringing was the opposite of Shawn's.

If Turner was an adult version of Shawn as the show implied, what if anything, did these two have in common other than being popular with the ladies?

I took some of Shawn's comments about Jon's wealthy background and used them as an opportunity to examine whether wealth means a better, happier life.

Spoiler alert: It doesn't.

At this point in the story Shawn knows that Jon was much closer to Audrey's lower-middle class family as a teen than he was his own parents who turned their back on him for a while when he was fifteen.

When the Turners show up unexpectedly at his home, Jon is furious. Shawn talks to them and is surprised that they aren't the ogres Jon made them out to be. However, he comes to a surprising understanding when Mrs. Turner makes a confession:

"Yes," Jacklyn said tersely, "The nannies Jonathan had would remember his hair. They were the ones who were always with him. I don't remember first steps or first words. I don't remember birthdays or Christmases. I don't remember when he became a teenager or when he got his driver's license. I just remember the day he said he was done being a Turner." The bitterness in her voice was interwoven with deep regret.

Shawn lifted Bella out of her chair when she was done eating, which saved him from trying to come up with something to say. It was hard to understand or sympathize with anything she'd admitted to. Maybe he wasn't supposed to. He found it incomprehensible not to remember what your kid was like as a baby. Even Chet, who was not much of a parent, could remember what he was like as a baby. Various members of his family had confirmed that what Chet recalled was true.

So how can Jacklyn Turner not remember anything?

It occurred to him that neglect was a sliding scale on which nannies could absolve you in the eyes of the public.

But never in the eyes of your child.

Shawn was beginning to understand where Jon's bitterness against his parents began. Knowing all too well what it was like to be abandoned by parental units, Shawn suddenly felt very protective of Jon.

Later when Jon and Shawn talk, Shawn finds out how similar they really are:

Jacklyn's regret over missing all her son's milestones was beginning to make sense. "So, they never did any kid stuff with you?"

"Nope. And they didn't want the nannies to do any kid stuff with me either because it might dull my ability. The trade-off was that I got whatever I wanted, when I wanted it. But whatever isn't all that appealing when what you really want is a parent."

Jon could have been speaking directly for him; he'd even said almost those exact words to Jon once when he tried to take his motorcycle to move in with Audrey. "Yeah, I know that feelin'."

Jon nodded. "I desperately wanted a real father. Richie loved me like I was his and made sure to tell me. I've never heard I love you from Blake," he nodded towards the door. "I don't remember if Jacklyn ever said it. I remember Lizzy sayin' it all the time, but not her."

This hit Shawn hard, and he felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. That was exactly what he'd experienced from his own "parents" and that was exactly how he felt when Jon offered him a place to stay: he wanted a real father and to be loved.

This was also the first time Shawn heard how Jon referred to his parents.

Blake and Jacklyn.

Chet and Virna.

Somehow, he and Jon had lived such similar lives two decades apart.

No wonder Jon always held a door home open to him: he knew exactly what he was going through and that he would come back.

In a lot of ways Autumn in Philadelphia is Jon's story told through Shawn's eyes.

[journals4546]

11/19/08

I used to envy Jess of her relationship with Bert, her hold over him, a relationship with him that I’ll never get to experience, in my role of the eternal friend.  I think she’s the face of all the physical & romantic relationships I’ll never get to experience with all of my male friends, the sides I’m barred from in my role of friend/mother/provider/confessor/psychiatrist.  Then I stop, look in from the outside, & realize that what I have with those people, she will never attain.  I so often confuse a sexual relationship with an intimate one.  I’d rather be what I mean to all of them than have quick infatuations which end abruptly & quickly turn into “this boy I used to date.”  Because my ties with them are mostly without sexual connotation, there is none of the awkwardness that comes with the feeling of obligation or guilt if they would like to discuss a problem with another woman.  If I do happen to engage physically with one of them, it has almost never any repercussion; I’m the rare woman who can separate love & affection & infatuation from sex.  This I think I always have been able to say, quite honestly.  I’ve never mistaken a night of passion with love, never expected it to mean that a relationship would blossom from it, a mistake so many women I know make, one which usually means the death of that friendship.  My sexual liaisons with the guys I have been friends with were usually a result of curiosity, a need to exert pent-up sexual frustration, or loneliness.  If I became attached romantically, it would have bloomed quite later, & usually remained unspoken, kept within myself, thus left unrequited.  I could always tell when I was being courted as a temporary entertainment, or if it was mean to have longer intentions.  With Shawn, however, I was always confused, mostly out of my own protective self-delusion - I wanted it to mean otherwise.  With the Asshole, my ex-fuck-buddy-turned-nightmare, I was always aware that it was purely physical, & was satisfied with that, never needed more.  We had a good friendship because I never asked for more than that, & neither did he.  We were an outlet for each other.  Ryan doesn’t understand how I could accomplish this, how I can be such casual & good friends with most of the people I was once physical with, where I find it curious how one can confuse simple sex with love.  For him, sex is the ultimate expression of love, a way to express physically what he feels emotionally, the coming together of two parts of a whole, “creating the two-backed beast.”  The most entwined, physically closest you can get with another human being.  I think he was born decades too late, he does not belong in this century without emotions, where actual love is rare, substituted with a need for convenience.  He’s too sweet for this world, his feelings ring too genuine, too bared, something I love so much about him.  I have such a need for him, a person like him, one who still believes real love is possible, so I can be convinced.  I crave his blind faith in his feelings.  There has been a slight resurgence in this idealism in my generation, but I fear it won’t last past our adolescence, that it will have given way to disillusionment & bitterness by our thirties, how it seems to have for our predecessors.

I want to avoid this at all costs.

When I was younger I wanted to appear jaded, pretend I could see through all of the idealism & hope that affected people my age.  I thought there was sophistication in that.  Now I see how I was clearly, & I wish I had never aspired to that.  I see how it has affected my actions & my fate, how it destroyed so many things, opportunities in my life.  My relationship with Max, how I should’ve believed entirely in his love for me, because it was honest, pure in its innocence, the way that only an adolescent young love can be.  If I had never tried so hard to disprove it, I may still be with him now, I believe.

But I can’t regret it, because it brought me to Ryan, & with it realization, an appreciation for idealism I might never have had, wouldn’t have known the benefits of it.  Ryan unconsciously teaches me how to have that blind faith, trust in the genuineness of one’s feelings, not to doubt, pick apart, overanalyze to the point of destruction.  I once thought of Max’s & Ryan’s feelings, the outpourings of them naive in their sweetness, in their simplicity.  I no longer believe that.  I’m learning not to doubt everything, look for excuses.  It may have taken me a long while, but better now than to have wasted so many years in it, to have ended up bitter & wondering why no one loved me, when I should’ve realized that I’d been loved & had shoved it away.

I look back at all of Ryan’s sacrifices & expressions of love for me, & I become so ashamed that I could have ever doubted them, doubted the genuine honesty in them.  He loved me enough to take care of me, without a word of complaint or any show of irritation.  He loved me enough to put on a CD the songs that make him think of me, to move across the country to an entirely new life for me, to be unable to see me at my most unattractive, unappealing, & still only see the girl he fell in love with.  The strength of that love frightened me, amazed me, still does.  He never asked anything in return for it, only that I love him in return, & I wonder if I did enough to prove that I did, to show my appreciation.

In the end, all I did was run.

This guilt will always weigh so heavily on me, & I will bear it without complaint, because I know how I deserve it.  I turned my back on that love & will never get it back in that exact form.  Even if I were to somehow get him back, it would never be the same, never have the same innocence, purity.  I’d fear the betrayal of my abandonment would always be at the back of his mind, that on some level he’d always be waiting for me to do it again, no matter how I’d try to prove that I wouldn’t.

I don’t believe the kind of love we had (have?) for each other is often found.  We may have very well lasted forever.  If I have enough faith in it, perhaps we still might.  We believed that we found each other at the exact right moment in our lives, but maybe we hadn’t.  Perhaps we were supposed to be together now, at the dawn of my belief in idealism, the only world in which I can be happy, accept love given to me as strongly as I can return it.

I wonder why I can love my friends so strongly, so easily, & accept, even long for their returned love so easily, & yet couldn’t be the same with romantic love.  Why, when I was young, did I find glamour in being jaded, & treat it with casualness?  What an awful way to go through life, so empty.  Perhaps so I could pretend that my biological father’s callousness & abandonment & brutality didn’t bother me, so that I would never allow myself to be treated as he treated my mother.  I pretend that his abandonment, his very existence doesn’t affect me, like it does with my younger brother.  That’s a lie.  It hurts me more than I would like to address.  But now I’ve cut him out of my life, & can abandon him as he did us.  But why doesn’t that satisfy me, bring me absolution?  I want not to, but I believe I need retribution, for every time he physically & emotionally battered my mother, my siblings, used them as his punching bags to relieve his anger.  I see him, hear of him living his easy, comfortable life, & find it so hard to retain my faith in karma, while my family suffers the burden of his actions, the scars peeling daily to reveal still-open wounds.  The damage he’s left upon us, how they affect our actions, are always on our consciousness.  I’m always inwardly disgusted, frustrated with Chelsea’s continued contact with him, though outwardly I’m indifferent.  To walk into the lion’s den, to pet him after he’s devoured your entire family, to smile at him as he’s chomping on your limbs.

It’s an anger, a pain I do not like to address, to admit, because in admitting it, he’s winning all over again.  I fear he’ll never get retribution, even feel guilt for his crimes because he so easily deletes them from his memory, as if they’d never occurred.  His self-denial is so finely tuned that he honestly believes he’s done nothing wrong.  Though it’s vengeful to wish, I would still like for him to suffer horribly, to get his.  I have very little faith in the justness in this world, & perhaps only want to believe in an afterlife so that he may suffer in a hell similar to the one he created for us on earth.

If he’s evil, his good counterpart would be Tom, my mother’s longtime boyfriend.  How can it be so hard for our biological father to love us, provide for us, show interest & affection for the children he helped create, give life to, when Tom does it so easily, for children he has no physical responsibility for?  He gives so much where my biological father only steals.

I envy my mother of her strength, her resilience, never having given up, how many times she must’ve wanted to.  Years of only sacrifice, having to accept the burden of six children with no respite, her entire twenties & thirties not her own, spent on the caring & raising of us, & in our rebellious adolescence no thanks for it.  Perhaps this was why she was given such a youthful appearance, to always look years younger than she is, so that when she finally has the ability to live her life only for herself, she can experience the life she might’ve had.  Even at forty-plus, she appears in her early thirties, a real Midwest beauty, someone who you would want to pull inside yourself & keep under a glass jar forever.  I’m so lucky to have inherited her expressive, wide blue eyes, the eyes Ryan loves so much, the eyes I passed on to the baby.  The two most comforting scents in my world: the smell of my mother’s bathroom - makeup, hairspray, & perfume, a smell I associate with safety, comfort, a certain pride; the second, the scent of Ryan’s chest, the scratchy feel of it against my own chest, smelling of him, thick, fragrant, no cologne - this is the scent of sleepiness, warmth, protection, excitement, dreams, undiluted happiness in its purest state.  I wish to bottle it, drench my pillows in it.

I long to be in the kitchen with him, burying my face into his bare back, as fuzzy as his chest, while he’s concocting dinner for us, singing all the while, being silly, while I’m soaking him in.

[movedtodykedvonte]

One Big Family... give or take

Back to the Gent co parenting au, here's how I think each notable character relates to the demon now:

Joey: Distant/incompetent bumbling dad. He questionably loves Bendy but the reason may not be due to his dream coming true more proof of concept. Only really shows concern when Bendy starts getting close to someone else or someone accuses him of being distant.

Henry: Supportive but bumbling dad. He and Linda didn’t have any intentions on having any kids and the child support letter was super shocking coming from Joey of all people. But after realizing that Bendy would only get worse he tries really hard to be a good influence on Bendy. Kinda the strict parent when he’s not scared shitless of his kid.

*cut cause post is long

Sammy: Uncle that’s just young enough to be more like an older cousin. He technically has authority over bendy but it feels weird and he rather let Bendy do his own thing as long as it doesn’t fuck around in the music department. Does play Bendy “calming” music on his more “playful” days also weird tension at times if we follow Joey x Sammy in this timeline

Jack: Family friend that you don’t know but think is mysterious and cool. Technically Bendy has full permission to duck around in areas completely ink and the sewers count. Jack ain’t scared of him as he’s seen the thing fall on it’s face crawling out the pipes down there but knows he’s still a bit dangerous. Bendy is curious as Jack rarely stops him from doing much. Coaches Bendy in “singing”

Susie: Cool big sister. Susie techno still voices Alice in this au and as such is technically in competition to be more popular than Bendy. Bendy likes her a lot tho as she’s the most like Alice otherwise and it’s lonely knowing ur the only one like you. Susie just wants to work and doesn’t indulged Bendy when he wants to play toons… most of the time. She thinks Bendy is funny but not right kinda jealous he gets so much attention

Allison: Technically adoptive mom but more like the aunt that spoils her siblings kids. Thinks the whole ink kid thing is a laugh and good for studio bonding! Brings Bendy outside studio stuff despite Joeys rule against it and by far is his favorite in terms of who he actively seeks out. Pavlov dogged the demon and now you may get trampled cause she brought him a toy that didn’t look like him

Thomas: Aloof dad that is subtly proud of his freaky adoptive son but won’t admit it. Like GENT forced him to be Bendys handler and that’s what he calls himself but Bendy treats him like a third dad, cause why not. On Tom’s days he’s patient when the demon absorbs his tools and makes sure no one messes with it or calms him down. He says it’s just procedure but it slowly gets more personal and defensive when others mumble about him. Stern and has actually grounded the ink demon like what

Norman: More like an urban legend to Bendy, the boogie man. Bendy doesn’t understand like metaphors so when people say Norman disappears in the studio or knows everything Bendy is like “God??? Actually Devil???” and has tricked himself into thinking Norman is this all seeing being that says morbid jokes things with a smile. Norman plays it up because it’s funny he’s horrifying the horror simply by minding himself. Occasionally drops the act to be nice and like play a toon for the toon

Wally: Doofy brother. Wally just gets jokingly upset when Bendy walks over a freshly mopped floor and fake fights him with the mop. The only person willing to actually play the traditional way with Bendy. Bendy messes with Wally only cause he thinks Wally messes with him despite it’s just Wally being incompetent. Wally didn’t realize bendy was a demon until he saw him go through a wall then was more mad he had to clean the wall than “holy shit Joey summoned Satan and now gets custody on the holidays”

Shawn: Neighbor kid who spies on the supposedly haunted house. Bendy actually stays out of the toy department on account he can break too many things so Shawn found out dead last and freaked out when Bendy came looking around. Hides from the demon or shoos him off cause if bendy comes around he gunks up the machines and that’s extra work for him.

Grant: Literally like a tired babysitter. Bendy took up so much time in court and now he has to entertain this thing until someone more qualified can. Just gives Bendy an abacus and tells him to go nuts. Thinks the demons okay and has like a weird mutual understanding that Joey should not be a dad.

Nathan: If Nathan comes around Bendy the person who can throw him out the fastest is offered a $300 dollar cash prize. Fuck Nathan I’m surprised he had a kid.

Bertrum: Grandpa who tells weird stories but lets you do crazy things so he’s fine ig. Bendy isn’t supposed to mess with Bendyland workers due to all the dangerous stuff they could drop when scared but Bertrum likes to show him how much better and competent he is than Joey. Kinda wishes he made Bendy so he could rub it in Joey’s face but see actually Bendy with more fascination and personal interest

Lacie: Tried to fight Bendy and puts him on par with robo Bendy. Doesn’t hate the poor demon but he creeps her out and she’d wish Bertrum stop showing him every nook and cranny of BendyLand. Will warm up to him but is also gonna be that vine. “So you uhg...wanna beer?” He’s 4! “I dunno what I’m supposed to do with him!”

Wow Bendy! How come your mom lets you have 3 dads!

[xylemblu]

VDHAU ch 4 by @kiwinatorwaffles

shawn had to turn down the acceptance letters from his dream colleges so he could stay close to home and take care of evan

some explanation and crazy brain rambling under the cut (CHAPTER 4 SPOILER HEAVY)

hey anybody wanna talk about shawn and his sacrifice. how evan can’t ever understand because of a combination of him being so young, and shawn never telling him anything. yes, i think shawn shouldn't tell him the details because that's a great way of being a bitch and acting like someone owes you love back, but keeping a secret about his double life and never having proper communication is definitely what’s straining their relationship.

but that’s the thing: shawn cares about evan so much that he inherently becomes suffocating. he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to evan so he parents him way too hard, because he was too young to ever be the sole caretaker in the first place. he just tries to do what he thinks is best for raising evan and in his efforts, was stifling evan.

but that’s the thing AGAIN. evan's able to be annoyed by his lecturing and general overbearingness like a typical teen BECAUSE shawn did so well to let evan live a normal childhood even without parents. you cant blame evan for blowing up like he did because his anger is justified, and built off the fact that shawn is so afraid of losing his only family left that he really is being irritating, all while demanding the truth from evan that he himself won't divulge. the ending of chapter four is a long time coming from the way that the both of them refuse to communicate and don’t understand each other at all, because both of them don’t know what they do for each other. shawn only sees evan as a rebellious teen and evan only sees shawn as an annoying 'parent'. but imagine being shawn in this situation. after everything you've done for the only person left in your life, being told that your best “isn't good enough”. and that despite all the love you poured into your brother, it might not matter in the end anyway because he's going to leave you, and you failed as a brother to give him the kind of love he needs. evan saying he wishes xvoid was his brother hurts the most, because he doesn't know evan is EX, so all he knows is that he saved evan from falling once. he thinks that evan loves a version of shawn who did the bare minimum of making sure he doesn't die more than he loves shawn himself. and what's that if not a complete and utter failure for shawn? yeah i've been fucked up about this for the past week how could you tell. haha.

[multifandomingmess]

headcanon + small fic/intervention for if daughter!reader of cory matthews attempted su!c!de (suicide) and how each person in her life would react

Cory had thought that he helped his daughter. Now, he was recieving a call that she had attempted suicide by taking dozens of pills and slicing her arm with a butcher knife. He felt like his world was being destroyed.

CHARACTER REACTIONS TO DAUGTHER!READER SUICIDE ATTEMPT:

TOPANGA LAWRENCE-MATTHEWS: - Would be sobbing on her way to the hospital because her babygirl tried to take her life - Would be angry at herself because she didn't notice the "warning signs" - Would coddle the reader with hugs, chocolates, and other little things to make her daughter smile - Would be with her every step of the way of recovery CORY MATTHEWS: - Would blame himself, he'd possibly have his own breakdown. Not a severe one but he would yell at himself. - Silently cry when he's alone because he doesn't know what prompted his daughter to attempt suicide - He'd call and ask his parents and feeny for advice because they've always been there for him - Would hug his daughter as much as possible because he wanted to show his love and affection, more than he ever did, because a little part of him blames himself for the attempt

ERIC MATTHEWS: - One of the first times you see him become emotional and serious - He brings the reader some flowers and some of her favorite snacks - He has the urge to baby you like he did when you were younger - He's similiar to Cory and doesn't entirely know how to handle situations like this but he does express his love and care for the reader

SHAWN HUNTER: - It's one of the first times he's been in a hospital since your birth. He hates being at hospitals because of the reminder of his dad's death but you're his goddaughter - He shows you some of the best photos he's taken - He even tells you some embarassing photos of Cory (your dad) - You both have a heart-to-heart talk. It's the first time you've seen him tear up

When you get back from the hospital, everyone stages an intervention. Your parents, your uncle Eric, your godfather Shawn (Uncle Shawn), some of your friends, and even Mr. Feeny.

"What's this?" You say to everyone, your arms are bandaged still. It was a long two weeks in the hospital. You kind of felt better. "Dad, Mom, what's going on?

"We're holding an intervention." Eric is the first to call out. Cory sighs at the tone of Eric's voice but looks at you. "Interventions are for drug addicts and substance abusers, I'm not any of that. I'm fine." You say, trying to walk back to your room, but your dad grabs your hand. He tells you to sit in the recliner that's to the left of the sofa. You do as he says. "We're holding an intervention because we care about you. I know this is still a raw subject but you tried to kill yourself, Y/N." Topanga says softly, concern coming through. You look to the ground, biting your lip nervously. "We don't want you to die. We love you! You're our babygirl, Y/N... You deserve to live."

"You don't understand, no one understands. You all try to blame it on yourselves. It's my life, my problems!" You yell, tears beginning to roll down your cheek. "Do you know how hard it is being me? I'm weird. I feel like an outcast compared to all the others. I'm confused about every single thing in life. There's no just fixing that with a band-aid, just like with my cutting and attempt. I'm not just going to magically get better."

"What can we do to help you? We're here for you, honey. That's all that we want you to know. We care about you so much." Cory expresses out, looking at you deeply, placing his forearm on the sofa's arm.

"I just want everyone to stop making a big deal out of this. I don't know why I feel the way I do. I just don't. I know I'm distant but I don't want you all involved in my problems." You admit, you can feel the touch of their eyes burn into your soul.

"Y/N, you're not a burden on any of us. You can always come to one of us!" Eric shouts. It takes you by surprise to see your Uncle being so serious and understanding.

You sit there for a second, trying to find the words to say. You want to cry openly but don't want to seem too vulnerable. Except, that's all you wanted to do. You just let the tears run freely. As soon as you begin crying, your dad stands up and goes to you, hugging you. Your mom raises up and rubs your back.

[heyeva]

small things slipknot do to you to show they appreciate you

✦:˒ corey:

- sings you to sleep whenever you have nightmares;

- writes countless songs about you;

- teaches you how to sing;

- loves taking photos of you. he will literally have his camera in his hands as soon as he sees you and then click click.

- honestly your personal hype man.

✦:˒ joey-

- always has his arms wrapped around you... like always.

- super affectionate towards you. if you're feeling sad, joey will be there with his arms wide open ready for you to crawl into his embrace.

- always reassures you that you are doing well and tells you not to be so hard on yourself.

- gives you his hoodies for you to wear because by the time he gets them back it will have your scent and he loves it <3

- his hand always has to be intertwined in yours. there's no chance, no escape.

✦:˒ chris-

- sends you messages saying he appreciates you at the most random times, but he always makes you smile because of it.

- basically drags you to play sports with him.

- bullies you so much if you loose.

- but it's so fun because he is always such a goofy guy when he is around you, all he wants is to see you happy and smiling.

✦:˒ mick-

- doesn't usually talk much, but always listen to what you have to say.

- tries to give you advice whenever you're not clear about which decisions to take.

- is literally always keeping an eye out for your safety.

- if someone messes with you, you just give mick the glare. he will take care of things from there on and they won't bother you ever again.

✦:˒ jim-

- laughs so loud right into your ears just to annoy you.

- has so many photos with you and of you... like, it isn't even normal at this point?

- literally begs you to let him teach you how to play guitar so he can spend more time with you.

- if you do allow him, he will annoy the hell out of you so good luck.

✦:˒ sid-

- pranks you all the time.

- annoys you all the time too, but you genuinely love the guy so you can't get mad at him.

- often screams your name in concerts and then runs away or jumps into the crowd.

- nobody really understands sid but you. he often talks to you about what goes on his head and life.

- you're one of the very little people he trusts.

✦:˒ shawn-

- shawn would straight up kill anyone that bothered you and not feel any kind of regret.

- is like a dad to you.

- makes sure you eat and sleep properly, and most of all, that you're happy.

- asks you 1000 times a day how you're feeling just because he likes to check up on you.

- is so proud of you. <3

✦:˒ craig-

- literally doesn't talk to you unless he really has to.

- but you know you can count on him if you need something.

- like, he would be one of the first people to come to you and offer you any type of help you needed.

- just like mick, always keeps an eye out for you.

✦:˒ paul-

- takes you to so many food and cinema dates.

- literally a bear, you live to hug this man (don't tell joey, or he might start a fight)

- is literally always there through all of your struggles.

- is your emotional support, and you are his too. it's such a beautiful friendship I can't even describe it.cor

[junotter]

BMW and abandonment

Okay I first wanna say by in no means do I think they handled Shawn's abandonment well, there's soooo many things that I believe should've been fixed but I just wanna say as someone who gets what it's like, goddamn do I have a lot of feelings on it.

Look obviously Chet Hunter is not a good father nor does he ever show love how love towards a child should be shown but, to me, having Chet still say things like, "i love you" to his son and having moments of kindness to Shawn is SOOO important in showing abuse and abandonment in a more "realistic" way. I feel like so many people just view abandonment as cutting all contact off and acting like their child doesn't exist but its far far more complicated than that.

I will not spill my own story on here but for years I've tried to deny what happened to me because it didn't fit what the media and world told me abandonment was, but seeing Shawn made me realize my life for what it was. Chet can "love" his son, say wants to spend time with him, and still contact him, but that doesn't make his abandonment any less of what it was. Shawn himself isn't on his hands and knees begging his dad to stay, he isn't the stereotype of an abandoned child (well sometimes he's a stereotype of a troubled child but that's beside the point), but he still IS one.

So much of Shawn's character is meant to ground the show but also to give the kids in the audience who don't have a family like the Matthews someone they can see themselves in. I'm sure so many viewers can find a part of Shawn's life they can relate to, use the lessons Shawn learns in their own lives, and just see it's okay that life is complicated.

While I am frustrated because I didn't want Shawn to just forgive his father like that, I understand why he did because I was/am the exact same. I want Shawn to be better than I am, I want him to give his father the taste of his own medicine, I want my own relief through Shawn, but that's not the storyline--while this may be a little death of the authory--I like the realism that's shown there. How hard it can be to be actually mad at a parent when all you really want is their love.

Like hell do I wish Turner could've taken Shawn in as his legal guardian, I wish we could've seen Shawn finally catch a break, but that's almost too easy. Not to say I don't wish Shawn could've been given a better life, but I do think that ruins part of his character.

Once again this doesn't mean I like how they handled Chet's return whatsoever. I still hate the guy. But like I also get Shawn's eagerness to accept him back.

[buckyownsmylife]

Walk Away - Tom Hardy smut

The one where Tom is your mentor and really shouldn’t feel this attracted to you.

Warnings: smut, age gap, famous!reader, mentor!Tom Hardy, breeding kink, risky sex, tiny insinuation of a size kink, (blink and you’ll miss), mention of a panic attack with barely any descriptions of it

Word count: 3k>

Tom’s P.O.V.

“Tom.” I stopped rubbing the sleep off my eyes the second my name fell from her lips. I didn’t need her to identify herself - I didn’t need to check the caller’s ID. I’d recognize her voice anywhere, regardless of just how groggy I was. But the tone in which she said my name, the tired, dead feeling shining through it, was what really startled me awake. “Tom, I need you.”

The desperation in her voice scared me, and I was out of bed before I could even realize what I was doing. “You’re home?” I confirmed, waiting only for the expected answer while I looked for my keys. “I’ll be there in five. Hang on tight.”

The night was cold, but I don’t think I would have noticed it if it wasn’t for the chill that had me freezing from the inside. I didn’t even consider changing out of my sleepwear - sweatpants and a loose shirt - mostly because I didn’t want to waste time on something so trivial, especially since it wasn’t that different from what I’d normally wear around her.

I’d known her for over four years now. I’d never witnessed this level of distress on her. In fact, she was never anything short of enthusiastic and happy, a bubble of sunshine that managed to energize everyone around her. For her to be this way, something big had to have happened, and it pained me to imagine just what could have been. 

It pained me to imagine her suffering, and not being there to help. So I stepped on the pedal, driving madly, knowing my own heartbeat would only get back to a regular pace once I had her in my arms again, could smell her perfume as I buried my face in her hair.

She wasn’t by the door when I got to her house, so I let myself in with the extra key that I had, noticing all the lights were off. There was only one place she could be. 

My feet took me there without even having to think about it, like there was some sort of instinctive calling from her body to mine. When I got to her bedroom, a dim light showed just how effective that connection was, as I pushed in to find her laying on her bed, waiting for me.

“What happened?” She sat up when I pushed the door open, quietly closing it behind me, and for a second there was no reaction as she took in my presence, like she needed time to realize I really was there. But then her eyes glistened, denouncing a flow of tears, and she just shook her head, as if asking me to contain my curiosity for just a bit.

“Can you just hug me?” She asked, and I felt my heart squeeze at the realization of just how unaware she was of my feelings for her. I’d do anything, anything for the woman in front of me. A hug was nothing, and I ached to have her in my arms anyway.

I sat by her side and immediately, she was on me, climbing on my lap until she could hide her face on the crook of my neck, and I froze only momentarily before wrapping my arms around her smaller body. Despite how wrong it morally felt - particularly when I remembered I wasn’t wearing any type of underwear - I couldn’t deny how right it was to both my heart and my body, how much it comforted me to feel her this close.

So there we stayed, for God knows how long. We didn’t speak - I was waiting for her decision to explain what had happened, and she clearly needed to come to terms with whatever it was. Just being there for her was enough for me, so I kept rubbing her back, eventually pulling away to press kisses on her temple, trying to ignore how her little sighs of comfort made me feel.

“I-I think I’m ready to talk.” The second I couldn’t feel her warm breath against my neck anymore, I felt cold again, but to my surprise, she didn’t climb down my lap, didn’t try to put some space between us. 

Instead, her arms remained around my shoulders, fingers playing with the collar of my shirt, making me shiver every once in a while when her nails dragged along my flesh.

“Okay,” I encouraged, only because she seemed nervous to say whatever it was that she wanted to tell me, her eyes avoiding mine before she finally managed to meet my gaze again, after taking a deep breath.

“Shawn broke up with me.” A sharp inhale resonated throughout the room, and it took me a few seconds to figure out it had been my own doing. I’d never liked her boyfriend, not ever since she first told me they had been going out, and despite how hard I tried to hide it from her, she had always been aware of my true feelings for him. 

Knowing he was the one to blame for her current state of mind only served to turn my concern into anger. 

“Why?” That was the only thing I could think to ask, the only thing I could focus on as I struggled not to throw her on the bed and run out after him. But I’d never be able to leave her alone, especially not since she was so clearly vulnerable.

There was another second of hesitation before she finally revealed, “It was because of you, actually.” Now that froze me into a state of shock. I couldn't speak, couldn’t think, all I could do was stare down at the face of the woman I loved who looked like she hadn’t just dropped a bomb on me.

“What?” Her giggle made my heart skip a beat for a second. It felt good to know that she was already starting to feel better, it felt even greater to know that I was the reason for her laughter, even if I was still fucking confused.

“Don’t worry about it.” Now that just wasn’t good enough. I needed to know, needed to understand. How had I been the cause for their break-up? But she didn’t seem too eager to open up about this specific part of her day, and so I decided to break out the big guns.

I laid her down on the bed, hovering over her so our eyes remained connected. “Tell me,” I quietly begged, and although she still looked anxious, I knew she was close to breaking. “I really want to know.”

She sighed, eyes closing for only an instant and for that instant, I allowed myself to believe that she was breathing me in, appreciating the feeling of being covered by my much larger body, exactly like I did.

“He was jealous,” she finally admitted, but the frown in my face only deepened, asking her for more information. “He felt like I prefered your company over his, which to be fair, it’s the truth. When I’m with you, I never want to leave.”

I didn’t know what to say. So I just stood there, frozen, looking deep into her eyes, searching for any sign of mockery, but found none. She looked hurt, but not like she regretted what happened. It just looked like she needed me there.

And so I stayed. I laid down by her side on the bed and pulled her to me, so her head rested on my chest, and I thought. I thought long and hard about what she’d told me and about how I felt. I thought so much, in fact, that I could see a panic attack forming, as the weight of my feelings threatened to suffocate me, and before I could realize what I was doing, I was already sitting up on the bed and looking for my keys.

“Where are you going?” She rubbed the sleep off her eyes as she tried to understand what was happening, but to be quite honest, I didn’t understand it myself. I just knew I needed to get the hell out of there, or I would end up saying something I’d regret. “I’m so comfy, can’t you just stay?”

It was so hard to breathe that my chest heaved with the labour of getting each breath in and out, so I forced myself to focus on it, stopping only for a few seconds, but it was enough to have me spilling things I’d been managing to hide for years.

“Don’t ask me that. Please.” My voice sounded hoarse, like I hadn’t used it in too long. “Because I’ll stay, and it’ll only hurt me further.” That caught her attention, wiping any remnants of sleep from her in an instant. 

“I wish I could walk away from you. Time and time again I wished for it, when you began dating that jerk, when I first realized I had feelings for you… but I just can’t. I’d do anything for you. All I can think about is you, all the fucking time. I want you so fucking much. I love you way too much. And being just your friend, your mentor, your confidant, is killing me.”

I closed my eyes to catch my breath, trying to focus, trying to make anything make sense again. In that time, I feared the worst. I thought about her leaving, her hand leaving a warm imprint on my face as she slapped me. I thought about her (rightfully, in my mind) accusing me of betraying her, calling me a monster, a pervert. 

I thought I had imagined every possible scenario, but I was still surprised when I opened my eyes to find her seating on the edge of her bed, gaze resting on mine, licking her lips. “I wanna feel you,” she said, and my mind swirled with this unexpected outcome.

“Excuse me?” I scrambled to keep myself up, finding a hold in the back of a nearby chair, my entire body trembling with the effort to hold back, the effort to think and listen, instead of just doing what my instincts begged me to do - pounce on her and fuck her raw.

“I want you inside of me,” she calmly stated, like it was no big deal. It was clear that it was the best way she had found to ask me for what she wanted, but I just couldn’t believe it.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“Y-you want me?” I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, understanding the delicate nature of this situation, anxious to not let it slip through my fingers nor hold it so tightly it would end up breaking and hurting me in the process. 

I closed the gap between us, getting out of the bed to come stand in front of him, hoping the proximity would ease him the same way having his body near would calm me.

“I’ve always wanted you,” I confirmed, hoping he’d see just how truthful the statement was, needing him to see how much more I wanted to say. “But right now…” Without thinking, my hand reached out to fiddle with the edge of his shirt, the sight of the boner struggling against his sweatpants unmistakable to me. “Right now, I’ll do anything if you just touch me.” 

A sharp exhale of breath, his warmth hit my face, giving me a taste of what was to come. But I wanted the real thing. I wanted to know how it felt from his lips, to have his tongue forcing my mouth open, making me forget my need to breathe.

“I need you.” I got what I wanted then. His face lowered to mine, mouth finally close enough for me to reach, after what felt like years of desire. And it was everything that I’d always imagined his kiss to be - overpowering, dominating and overwhelmingly him. I was instantly addicted.

When he finally allowed our lips to part, taken by his need to breathe, I slowly began to peel away my clothes, fingers trembling in quiet desperation for him to see this for what it truly was: the meeting of desire and lust after years of denial and repression.

“Please fuck me,” I pleaded as my naked body was revealed to him inch by inch, willing to do whatever would get me what I needed. “I swear I can handle you.” That last part was added almost as an afterthought, when I watched his hand curl around a tightness I’d never witnessed in real life before.

I knew what was going through his head - the fight between what was expected of us and what we wanted, our feelings and our professions, but nothing else mattered to me more than knowing he’d spear me open with his length.

“Lay down and spread your legs for me.” Just that order was enough to have me whining low in the back of my throat, but I did as he said, even held my ankles so his view of me would be unobstructed. But that meant I had to watch him as he knelt by the bed and took a hold of my legs, licking his lips in desire at what he saw.

“Please, please, fuck me,” I repeated, knowing I wouldn’t handle his lips on me right now. I needed his thickness, his hardness, I needed to be filled by him, to feel him inside of me.

“Let me just get a taste,” he tried to convince me, eyes focused on the apex of my thighs. I almost laughed at how it looked like his mouth was watering as he stared at my exposed pussy, but my need was far too great to allow me any sort of distraction.

“Later, okay? You can eat me out as long as you want, just… later.” That had his head snapping up, gaze at last meeting mine with a soft sentiment that I knew was at least half vulnerability.

My poor Tommy. Even after all of my confessions, he still couldn’t believe that what was happening was actually real. He still doubted I would want him in the morning, as something more than what I wanted him when I called him tonight.

“Touch me, Tom,” I quietly asked, raising his hand to where I was aching for him, rubbing myself with his thumb. “Touch me right here, please, I’m begging you.”

Hearing those words fall from my lips changed something in him. Where once he was hesitant, a sudden confident smirk, almost arrogant, slowly spread over his lips, taking over his entire aura.

Tom’s P.O.V.

“So needy for me…” I whispered as I witnessed the truth behind my statement. She was sopping wet, almost dripping down the duvet, and as much as I wanted to get my mouth on her, I could accept that we’d have the time to do that later.

I loved the idea of a later.

“I’ll take care of you, darling.” I whispered as I climbed up her body once more, occupying the space between her thighs like I was always meant to be there. “Let me take care of you.”

I brushed my lips against hers, relishing in this closeness, in the moment just before it all changed. I was sure she could feel the weight of my cock against her thigh, and it was probably what prompted her to wrap her arms around my shoulders, breathlessly telling me, “Yes. Yes, please.”

Hissing as I finally slid my length inside of her, I knew I was in trouble the second I bottomed out, biting on her shoulder to keep myself from groaning and drowning out her delicious little sounds. She felt too good. No one should feel this good.

A broken gasp (or was it a moan) called my attention, taking me from my efforts of restraining myself to her, completely. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” I asked, brushing the hair away from her face as I watched her open her eyes and blink a few times, trying to keep tears from flowing down her cheeks. “Does it hurt?”

But she just shook her head, hands searching mine until she could lace our fingers together. “No,” she breathed, hips jutting up in a silent way of asking me to move. “It feels so good.”

I bit the inside of my cheek in an effort not to smile widely at her admission, finally allowing myself to slowly begin dragging my cock out of her tight channel before pushing it in again.

“It does?” I questioned, loving to hear her say it. “Well, I’ll always make you feel this good, baby. How does that sound?” She moaned out loud as I lowered my head to lave her breasts with attention, relishing in every little sound that escaped her beautiful lips as I pounded her on the bed.

“Fuck, you’re such a good girl, darling.” Another loud moan was all I got as a response, paired with her fingernails biting on the skin of my back. “My good girl, yes?” I insisted, rubbing my jaw against her neck, breathing her in.

I was drunk on her, on this entire experience, still not quite believing it was really happening. She was really here, getting fucked by me. “You’ll be my good girl? Just mine? Forever?”

A smile spread out over her lips, even as she threw her head back to moan a “Yes.” I chuckled against her chest, starting to suck little bruises here and there, wanting to see her all marked up on me, when she interrupted my plans with a breathless comment, “You talk dirty.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” I chuckled against her lips, right as she started to convulse underneath me, clinging to my back for dear life. “You haven’t seen anything yet.”

Her nails scratched me as she found her bliss, and I wasn’t too far behind. As I started to pick up my pace, really milking her orgasm while searching for mine, it was her words that brought me to my ultimate release.

“C-cum inside, I want it inside of me.” I knew she wasn’t in any form of contraception, and I also knew this wasn’t the right time for either of us to become parents, but to say the idea didn’t arouse me was a lie. 

Flashes of her young body with my baby in it had my cock twitching, the risk of getting my perfect future right then too exciting. She’d be the perfect mother, I just knew it. And the fact that she would take the chance of becoming the mother of my child right then affected me so much that even after I emptied myself inside of her, I was still hard.

Her fingers played with my curls as I rested my head between her breasts, breathing her in, trying to catch my breath. “I can’t believe I get to sleep next to you tonight,” she said, melting my heart right then and there. “I hate it when you’re away.”

I did too. But I’d never need to be again.

[yournameoneverypage]

Moon Over Miami

Anon request; Shawn Mendes x (y/n).

~3.1k

Warnings: Language.

~ * ~

You scowled at your overflowing carry on. You really didn’t want to bring something bigger, because that would mean baggage check and waiting at luggage carousels and that was just a headache waiting to happen.

Shawn was stretched across your bed on his back, tossing a tennis ball in the air and catching it again. “(Y/n), it’s Miami and we’re only going to be there for four days,” he chuckled. “You do not need to pack so many clothes.”

“Yes, I do. You’re a boy; you don’t understand.”

“First off, I am not a boy. I am a man, and a very attractive one at that.”

You rolled your eyes. Even if you wholeheartedly agreed, you were not going to stroke his ego.

“At the very least, lose most of the makeup. You’ll just sweat it off anyway. And you know I like you better without all that gunk on your face.”

“It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t like, now does it?” you snarked.

He sat up and leaned back against the pillows at the headboard. “I just meant that you’re already so pretty, naturally.”

Shawn was always finding little ways to compliment you and, secretly, you loved it, even if it made you blush, even if it was hard to believe some days.

“Fine.” You threw your hands up in the air in frustration. “You pack for me then.”

“Fine. I will.” He stood from the bed and poked your side. “So dramatic,” he teased, dancing his fingertips from ribcage to hip.

You gave him a small shove, and quickly moved out of tickling range (he knew where your most sensitive spots were). You stuck your tongue out at him.

“Don’t stick it out unless you intend to use it,” he smirked.

“Ha! You wish,” you giggled.

~ * ~

You and Shawn.

It was...confusing.

You had first met him five months ago and had become a regular fixture in his life over the past three. You were friends, good friends. Good friends who spent a ridiculous amount of time together. Good friends who flirted. A lot.

There were feelings, definitely on your side, growing stronger every day you spent together, and you were starting to believe there were deeper feelings on his side as well.

Other than outright pressing your lips to his, and you had never really been that forward with anyone, you weren’t sure what to do to tip the scales from friendship and flirtation to more.

You could simply tell him you were falling for him and that you wanted to take your relationship to the next level, but that scared you even more than the thought of kissing him.

~ * ~

Fifteen minutes later, Shawn stood smugly beside you. Your bag was packed neatly, and you were happy with everything he chose (not that you would admit that to him), which showed you he knew you better than you thought he did. There was even enough room left over for accessories.

It shouldn’t have surprised you; he was pretty adept at packing, having been on tour so often.

“Shut up,” you mumbled.

“I didn’t even say anything!”

“But you want to.”

Shawn laughed.

You only added two things, just to prove a point.

~ * ~

You may as well have been in Florida with only Brian and Connor for as often as Shawn had been around the first two days.

The trip had started out incredibly.

You took a redeye from LA to Miami. Shawn held your hand during takeoff and landing. It was your first time flying first class; you didn’t care that you slept through most of it.

Shawn had rented a 3-bedroom beachfront bungalow for the long weekend and had ordered a breakfast basket to be waiting for you when you got there. Everyone ate their fill of croissants and muffins and fresh fruit while you sipped your tea and coffee. Afterward you all agreed that a morning nap poolside sounded ideal.

Shawn claimed the double lounger for the two of you. You curled up beside him and he threw a light blanket over both his and your legs. You laid your head on his shoulder and were asleep within minutes.

When you opened your eyes again, after the best nap you may have ever had in your life thus far, Shawn was no longer beside you. You could see him just inside the back door, talking on his phone.

“Hey,” he announced, returning to the patio, after seeing that you, Brian, and Connor had all awoken. “I’m going to catch up with Camila. I’ll text you after lunch; see where you are.”

~ * ~

You didn’t see Shawn again that first day until you were making plans to spend the evening in South Beach for sunset drinks, dinner, and then a pub crawl for even more drinking.

The boys teased you for being such a lightweight. You were blissfully buzzed, which made it easier for you to let your inhibitions go. Shawn was more intoxicated than you were, which made it a lot easier for you to tug him onto the dance floor.

Flush against him while you moved together to the music, fingertips grazing bare skin, it was too easy to forget that you had been upset with him at all.

Spending all afternoon at the Bayside Market in the hot Miami sun, followed by a night of drinking and dancing into the very early hours of the morning had finally caught up with you. By the time you made it back to the bungalow, you were piggyback on Shawn, your sandals dangling from his fingers by the straps.

~ * ~

Day 2 began with three boys nursing hangovers much worse than yours. You did little things to annoy them, on purpose, which was, admittedly, not very nice of you. You knew they’d had enough when they decided to throw you in the pool. When Shawn reached out, laughing, to help you out, you pulled him in instead.

He chased you into one of the corners of the deep end, trapping you between the pool wall and his hard, wet chest, his arms on either side of you. You had to hold onto his biceps to keep yourself afloat, which, from the look in his eyes, was exactly how and where he wanted you.

Your heart was telling you to use this position to your advantage, finally tip those scales, and you might have if it had been the night before when you were a little drunk. Regretfully, you were sober and when you were sober you tended to overthink things. Now that you were sober, he was too close.

You ducked underwater, under his arm, and quickly pulled yourself out of the pool.

~ * ~

Once you were dry and dressed, you dragged Shawn, Connor, and Brian to Wynwood to go on a golf cart tour of the Walls. They had all been to Miami before, more than once, so they had put you in charge of the itinerary.

From Wynwood you made your way to Little Havana.

After a string of late afternoon texts from Camila, Shawn asked if she could join the four of you for dinner. He wanted you to meet her.

They tried their best to be inclusive throughout dinner, and Camila was certainly nice enough, but still you felt like the fifth wheel, the spare, most of the time.

After dinner, Shawn and Camila wandered off together. When it became clear that Shawn wouldn’t be returning to the house with the rest of you, your heart sank. You stewed in your hurt until it became anger.

You understood that Camila was one of Shawn’s best friends, and he hadn’t seen her for a while. You could forgive him for the day before, but this was supposed to be your trip. You, Brian, Connor, and Shawn. D'Artagnan and the Three Musketeers. If all Shawn had wanted to do was hang out with Camila, why had he bothered to invite you at all? You held no grudge against or felt any ill will toward Camila. It wasn’t her fault that Shawn was being a clueless dick.

~ * ~

You were laying on your side, looking out the window of which you forgot to close the blinds. The moon reflected off the still water of the pool that you could see from your room.

You heard the quietest clearing of someone’s throat. You rolled over to see Shawn leaning against the frame of the doorway, bare chested, in soft gray pajama bottoms.

“Couldn’t sleep?” you asked softly. You couldn’t sleep either, even though you were exhausted.

You really didn’t want to spend the remainder of your time in Miami being angry with him. There were still two days left. You patted the mattress on the empty side of your bed. That was all the invitation he needed.

Shawn crawled into bed beside you, tugged on the open collar of the other half of his pajamas, and chuckled, “Thief.”

“It’s so soft, and it smells like you,” you whispered.

Shawn laid his head on your stomach and you instinctively started to run your fingers through his hair, tugging gently on his curls. You heard him sigh deeply, contentedly, and the next thing you remembered was waking up to the bright morning sun.

~ * ~

You smiled and stretched languidly. Shawn must have made his way back to his own room during the night sometime. You didn’t hear anyone else up and about yet. You decided to surprise the boys by making breakfast.

Brian and Connor stumbled into the kitchen, following the smell of sizzling bacon and strong coffee.

“Is Shawn still sleeping?” you asked.

Connor and Brian exchanged a look. Connor cleared his throat and said, “Shawn isn’t here.”

You didn’t even have to ask where he had gone. Returning to your room you retrieved your phone on the nightstand. You hadn’t bothered to check it when you woke up.

There was a group text from Shawn that read:

Grabbing a workout and then a quick breakfast with Camila. Be back soon.

Brian and Connor were nearly finished eating when Shawn returned, oblivious to what he was walking into. He grabbed a few slices of bacon and sat down to join them at the kitchen island.

“Where’s (y/n)?”

Brian and Connor shook their heads at him. “You can be such a prick sometimes,” Brian said. Both he and Connor then stood and left the room.

Confused, Shawn glanced around and suddenly it all made sense. “Shit,” he said to himself, under his breath.

~ * ~

Shawn stood in your bedroom doorway like he had the night before.

“I’m sorry, (y/n).”

You refused to acknowledge him.

“I didn’t know you were going to make breakfast or I would have been back sooner.”

You wanted to bite at him that he shouldn’t have been gone at all.

You had just pulled on your swimsuit cover up when you turned to him. His eyes snapped from your ass to your eyes. You slipped on your sunglasses, grabbed your beach bag, and said, “Brian, Connor, and I will be on the beach, if you decide you want to join us.” You pushed past him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he replied.

~ * ~

You purposely chose to wear the smallest, sexiest bikini you had with you. It wasn’t one you yourself would have packed but since Shawn had been the one to pack your carry on he must have wanted to see you in it. The day you bought it was a day when you were feeling particularly confident in your body.

By the time Shawn made it down to the beach, he found you in conversation with two young men who weren’t Brian or Connor. You had removed your cover up and stood before them in your tiny white string bikini.

You were laughing at something one of them was saying. Shawn saw you reach out and briefly place your hand on his forearm.

Shawn was unprepared for the surge of violent irritation that nearly overtook him.

He saw you notice him. He bristled when you leaned in and said something in the other man's ear. He watched as you slid the temple tip of your sunglasses between your teeth. He saw you put your hand on your waist and slightly arch your back. He watched as you touched the small pendant of the necklace you were wearing and drew it away from the skin between your breasts.

Shawn hated the way the two men were looking at you. His stomach churned; his muscles tensed; his heart felt too tight in his chest. He couldn't take anymore.

Sidling up beside you, he wrapped his large hand around the nape of your neck, gently yet possessively.

“Oh, hi Shawn,” you said casually, shrugging out of his grip. “Meet my new friends, Chase and Evan.” You smiled at them, fluttering your eyelashes and biting softly on your lower lip.

“Boyfriend?” Chase asked.

“Oh no, Shawn and I are just friends.” You eased closer to Evan and reached out, meaning to touch the bracelet he was wearing, but before you could, Shawn grabbed your wrist.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” he gritted through a fake smile, pulling you away.

“Let go of me,” you snapped. He did, immediately. He never had nor would he ever do anything to physically hurt you.

Brian and Connor, having seen more than enough, hurried toward you. They made you and Shawn take a step back.

“What the hell is going on?” Connor exclaimed.

“(Y/n) is being childish,” Shawn growled.

Maybe you were, but you were upset, goddamn it. “Me?! Look who’s talking! You’re acting like a jealous boyfriend! You have no claim on me!”

“You’re both being childish!” bit Brian. “And you’re starting to cause a scene. Get over yourselves and fucking talk like adults. If you can’t, walk away,” he admonished.

Shawn ran a hand through his hair and tugged frustratingly on his curls before storming off.

Brian gestured for Connor to stay with you and he followed after Shawn.

“Why did you have to antagonize him?” Connor questioned.

You glared at him. “This is not my fault. Of course you’re on his side.”

“I am on no one’s side. You’re both at fault, and you fucking know it. Yeah, he’s kind of been an asshole, but you didn’t have to flirt with those guys so brazenly right in front of him.” Connor’s voice softened. “You know how he feels about you, (y/n). You should apologize.”

You were thoroughly abashed but still feeling stubborn. You turned on Connor and said, “I will when he does.”

You put your cover up back on, slipped into your sandals, and grabbed your clutch which held your wallet, your eReader, and your phone. You trusted Connor to bring everything else back to the bungalow for you.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“For a walk. I need to be alone.”

~ * ~

The sun was going down when you returned to the house.

When you walked in the door, Shawn, who had been sitting on the edge of the ottoman, stood, and approached you cautiously. He rubbed the back of his neck. “You were starting to worry us,” he said softly.

“I’m sorry. I needed some time to cool off and to think.”

“I’m just glad you’re safe.” His relief was palpable. He stepped even closer to you. “I’m sorry. For how I acted and what I said on the beach. It’s inexcusable.”

“I am, too. I should never have purposely tried to upset you.” You unconsciously reached out and ran your fingertips along the V of Shawn’s t-shirt. “That was the first time we’ve ever fought... I didn’t like it.”

He covered your hand with his, flattening your palm against his heart, which you could feel was beating quite quickly. “Come and have dinner. It’s time to stop thinking and start talking.”

He smirked and began walking backward, hand still over yours.

It was that smirk that set your heart thumping. You followed, curiously, anxiously.

On the back patio was a romantic table set for two, surrounded by tea lights and lit candles.

“Shawn? What’s going on?” you asked, breathlessly.

He crossed to the table and pulled one of the chairs out for you. “Sit, Love. Eat.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“What?” He felt as if his heart might break.

“Too many butterflies.” You softly bit your bottom lip.

“Oh,” he breathed.

“Can we talk first?”

“Of course.”

You walked over to and sat down on the outdoor sectional.

Shawn dropped down beside you with a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry, (y/n). I’ve been, well, an asshole seems to be the overall consensus. I shouldn’t have ditched you to spend so much time with Camila.”

“I know you’re close,” you said, “and I know it had been awhile since you’d seen her. I tried to be understanding.”

“No,” he interrupted, “this is on me. This was supposed to be our trip. You, Brian, Connor, and me.”

“D'Artagnan and the Three Musketeers,” you said in unison and you both laughed.

Shawn leaned closer you. “Do you want to know the truth?” he asked, as if it was the greatest secret he held, which, to him, it was. “She was talking me through my feelings for you.” He tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear. “She made it very clear to me that I was ‘estúpido’ for spending time with her instead of the person I should be, for talking through my feelings with her instead of with the one I really needed to talk with.”

“You have feelings for me?” you breathed, feeling your entire body flush, not just your cheeks.

Shawn laughed softly and took your hands in his, intertwining your fingers. “It’s not obvious? I was jealous of those other guys because I want to be the boyfriend. I want the right to call you mine... I’m falling in love with you, (y/n). Which is insane since we haven’t even kissed yet. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to; every time I see you I want to kiss you.”

Without warning, you pressed your lips to his. It took him not even a moment to respond, pulling you onto his lap and cupping your face. Kissing Shawn was even better than you had ever imagined it would be.

When finally you eased away from him, breathless, you confessed, “I’m falling in love with you too, Shawn. I want you to be mine. I want to be only yours.”

“Does that mean I can kiss you whenever I want to?” he whispered, grinning happily.

“Over and over and over again,” you breathed.

His lips once more met yours. Your hands encircled the nape of his neck. Tender and unhurried turned deep and delicious.

Your lips left his with an audible ‘aʘa’ and you giggled. “Can we eat now? I’m starving.”

Shawn’s answering laugh, rich and lightsome, was everything.

~ * ~

@mendesblurb @benito-mi-vida

[1234-angelika]

Sparking Joy

an: Hey y'all! So this was actually supposed to be up last night but, this piece gave me a bit of trouble-writers block hit me hard. Nevertheless, it is finished. This is the seventh installment in the Happily Ever After series for David. As always, hope y'all enjoy!

words: 1.2k

warnings: mentions of food, age-gap couple,

summary:"We meet the people we're supposed to when the time is just right." -Alyson Noel

masterpost|taglist|have an idea

As hard as the two of you tried to keep your relationship out of the public eye, you knew eventually it would get out. However, what you weren’t prepared for, was the media storm resulting from your relationship getting out.

A couple months into your relationship, David met your family. What was left of it anyway; your mom died when you were young so, your dad raised you with help from his siblings—your aunts and uncles. That dinner, to put it mildly, was a disaster. Your relationship was not as well-received as you hoped it would be, but, over the year, your family had warmed up to him. He told you about his past at the beginning of your relationship—including his dead son and the daughter he had only recently met and began to get to know. You weren’t naive about what he did for work outside of writing. You knew what happened with Aaron Hotchner and his family, so you understood David wanting to wait a little longer before introducing you to his family.

After a year together, though, you thought it was time for you to meet his family. It had been spoken about briefly between the two of you, but you kept putting off out of nerves—your age gap with David being the most significant stressor. What neither of you had taken into consideration was the fact that she was a journalist. Which meant that as soon as your relationship hit the tabloids, she would know. And after a few frantic calls, that was how you ended up planning a dinner at the last minute for the following evening.

Tonight was going to be the night! David invited his daughter and her family over for dinner on behalf of the two of you. Initially, it was only going to be his daughter, but you insisted on inviting her husband and son over as well.

You woke up, only to be met with darkness. Assuming you had awoken in the middle of the night, you rolled over to check your phone for the time. Unfortunately, the brilliant white glow of the numbers temporarily blinded you before you made out the time, five am. With a huff, you rolled back over and tried your darnedest to fall back asleep. Finally, after about twenty minutes of trying to fall back asleep, you just got up. You started your day with a run on the trails behind your home. The 2.7-mile run gave you space to think and try and relax for the day ahead.

You took a shower as soon as you got back and then changed into comfy clothes and packed a bag for the evening before heading down to the kitchen. By this time, David had woken up and went downstairs to make coffee. He had spent the night at your place, and the plan was to go over to his place, tidy up a little, get ready and make dinner in time for you to meet the family. So, after sharing your morning coffee, you and David climbed into the car and off you went.

The thirty-minute drive went smoothly. It was calm and quiet, except for the soft music spilling from the speakers. As soon as you got to his place, you made a bee-line to the kitchen to start preparing for dinner. You loved being in the kitchen; your chosen profession reflected that. Your love of cooking and the kitchen stemmed from being in the kitchen constantly with your dad as a child. David gave you directions to help with the prep, and it got done very quickly with the two of you.

After that was finished, you and David split the tasks and went off your separate ways to tidy the house. Dining room, living room, sitting room, kitchen; each room cleaned as much as possible. Blankets folded and pillows fluffed. The tidying actually took up the most time so, by the time you were done, you only had a couple hours before Joy, and her family were set to arrive. You put the dessert in the oven to bake and then headed upstairs to get ready.

You got so sweaty from the cleaning that you needed another shower. You were in and out in less than twenty minutes—which for you was fast. Next on the agenda was getting dressed. After that was doing your hair and makeup. A spritz of your favourite perfume and you were ready to go. You went back downstairs and found David in the kitchen, working on the dinner. The dessert resting on a cooling rack positioned on the counter.

“Dave, what can I do?”

Pointing to the stack of plates and napkins, he said, “you could set the table and get the wine out and apple juice for Kai.”

Grabbing the stack, you walked out the kitchen, and just before you were out of earshot, you heard David say, “you look great Bella!”

You just finished arranging the plates and napkins on the table when the doorbell rang. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw David rushing to the door. When he caught your eye, he gestured to the kitchen. Getting the hint, you moved in there and finished up dinner—basically just plating it. You could hear David greeting his family, and you just smiled. You were glad he had people outside of the team, separate from all the bad things he sees every day. After setting the dinner on the table, you heard footsteps coming closer to the dining room. Self-consciously, you softly touched your hair—checking for anything out of place and then smoothed out the non-existent wrinkles in your dress.

You smiled as they walked into the room. David moved to stand beside you and placed his arm around your waist.

“Joy, Shawn, Kai, I would like you to meet Y/N Y/L/N.”

You didn’t exactly get a warm reception from Joy, which you could understand. It was hard bringing a new person into your life, and from what you understood about the situation, David and Hayden had been getting closer before your relationship started. Shawn, on the other hand, greeted you with a smile rivalling the one of his son.

“Hi, Shawn Struthers, big fan of your work.” He said, shaking your hand enthusiastically.

“Hello. It’s nice to meet the both of you, I look forward to getting to know you.” You said as politely as possible, trying not to let Joy’s reaction sway your confidence too much. Next, you introduced yourself to Kai, and the adorable little boy greeted you with a shy wave before going back behind his dad. Finally, you all sat down in your seats. Once everyone had food and drinks, David said, “mangia!”

Once the dinner had started, and the drinks were flowing, the conversation came much easier. By the end of the night, Joy had warmed up to you a little bit, and you had even made plans to grab a coffee, just the two of you, so she could get to know you a little better.

taglist: @multixfandomwriter @gspenc @ssa-morgan @myescapefromthislife @Kleff03 @daddy-issues24-7 @j-cat

[wigglebox]

saw an annoying take on twitter so instead of doing my school assignment i’m going to vent

i’m very happy they waited until the very end to tell us, unequivocally, that destiel was basically real. Notice how I said unequivocally but then ‘basically’, which would contradict each other — but I say “basically” because Dean never got to speak on it. But at least one half did. 

For those of you who followed me for a while, you know I was always Destiel positive, but I also never wanted a declaration of feelings until the end. I had guessed a few times, or hoped, or prayed, that if it were to happen then it would be at the end. 

the twitter take i saw was a screenshot of a former TVD writer saying it was a cowardly moment to put it at the end of the show. 

This is why I get annoyed when people who don’t watch SPN or had written for it actually try to give their opinions.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion of course but this one has the same air as all the other non-spn watching or engaging-with people who tried to have hot takes on 15x18, 19, and 20. 

This person obviously hasn’t seen the few instances in the last year where Misha pretty much said that this was a hard hard thing they fought for and even just 5 years ago probably couldn’t have happened. 

This person was a writer for TVD and a former showrunner for Roswell NM on the CW — I’m saddened by the fact that they are seemingly not taking into account the reasons as to why 1) this happened at the end and 2) why it couldn’t be followed up. TVD started three years after SPN did, so this person should understand how homophobic TV can still be. This was all on the CW. 

but anyway — 

The reason why I was happy they waited until the very end was because this show was full of enough drama, enough hardships, enough everything without the need to throw this relationship into the mix. 

By this, I mean they, Dean and Cas, really had to figure themselves out before any real exchanging of feelings could happen. Cas’s whole confession was also him telling Dean he changed because of Dean etc etc learned to love because of him etc etc. They needed character growth. Dean had some in season 15 too, but they prevented him from making that final jump — because again — homophobia. 

I’m not one to believe in a lot of CW conspiracies anymore, I did at first because I had nothing else to believe in but now I really only believe in this one: They did not want Dean Winchester to vocally state his queerness. 

The writers and those involved with the show got by with what they could — there’s a difference between queerbaiting and queercoding. The show queercoded and tried to push through that final barrier but in the end, only one got through — and it was their third lead, “non human” character. And if that was a struggle getting it done, then you can imagine the struggle when it comes from your white male lead you’ve had since 2005 who has fans from right-leaning other white males to queer women and enbys. 

But the reason why I wanted them to wait until the end, barring any CW interference, was because, again, they had to figure out who they are. Dean had to start to get a handle on his anger issues [though he was still scared by the end] and Cas had to go through and figure out who he was as a being. 

This show is dramatic, emotional, and stressful for its characters. No romantic relationship lasted very long. I usually hate it when pairings get together so early in the show because then all that i’m going to be subjected to is relationship angst. For the most part. Boy Meets World? The epic highs and lows of the Cory and Topanga relationship but it was set in a sitcom world so even the dramatic bits like Cory cheating on Topanga I knew would get worked out. But Shawn and Angela never did and I’m still sad about that lol. 

But The West Wing? Josh and Donna finally got together halfway through the final season though it was a ramp up since season 1. Because that show is stressful and dramatic, I was grateful that by the time they got together, Josh was on this new journey being involved with the Santos campaign, and Donna seemingly found herself as well with the help of Josh [and Josh helped find himself as well and admit he missed Donna etc etc] 

On SPN — the bad guys already used Dean and Cas in a sense against each other. Him or us. Your boyfriend first. Attatched at the... everything. Villains would use Cas’s closeness with the Winchesters against him and them. I didn’t want that to be even worse with a romantic relationship. We’d spend every season with a problem happening and to me, it would have clouded their relationship for me and I feared I would have ended the show thinking maybe they shouldn’t be together. 

But by waiting until the very end, if the show ended correctly, it would have launched us into a sandbox world where we the fans could dream up of endless scenarios and events for them, good and bad, and we could control them. It would leave us off with the show ending, but this overwhelming sense of happiness that their relationship was finally realized on equal ground with them and we last see the characters excited and interested in figuring everything out. 

So when this writer says that waiting until the end of the series was ‘cowardly’, i get it, i totally do, I get where they’re coming from — however to me, I don’t need 12 seasons of this relationship to be QUEEEERRRR REEPPPPPPPPP because I would rather see them develop around each other, see their feelings grow for each other, and then end on a happy note — rather than have them rush getting together, and then have their relationship be put through the meat grinder.

But Jen! (you may ask) They DIDN’T end happy together! (if you don’t believe they’re all in heaven like me). 

Yes well — that’s where we get to the Dean problem. Cas’s moment was just fine — however they needed a few more episodes to button it up and have Cas get rescued and then Dean also be able to complete this emotional character arc with Cas. But he didn’t get to do that, and again, I’m going to blame the CW on that. I’m not blaming Dabb, I’m not blaming Bobo, I’m not blaming anyone but the CW and maybe a little bit of Singer. 

It’s why I am trying to manifest hard, every day, a continuation effort by jackles or someone for 6-8 additional episodes to sew it all up. 

So yeah anyway thanks for reading this rant — I haven’t done this in a while. I just don’t like it when people who don’t watch the show, didn’t really see the full 15x18 episode, etc etc, try to act all knowledgeable about it and then try to give a take like this. 

[itjazzbicch]

Bulletproof Love

Pairing:  Santana x Fem Reader

Summary: With Blood and Guts on the horizon, The Inner Circle and The Pinnacle are at each others throats. The Pinnacle loves playing mind games, getting to Santana the most whenever they mention his girl, the reader, which makes him angry and more. Those same reactions paass on to the reader and not only does she stand up to the Pinnacle, she makes sure Santana knows that she's not going anywhere...

Warnings:  N/A

Requested by:  Anon (whoever you are, I hope you enjoy!)

Word Count:  1954

Tag List: @demonqueen29 @jessiebean00 @new-zealand-chic @crowleysqueenofhell @justamess44 @thatpanpal @hungmanhorsecarriage @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch​  @linziland13 @yungbludjazz360

I DO NOT OWN THIS GIF

"You're stepping into my world!" Dax yelled into the microphone, "And I ain't afraid to die!"

In my opinion, this whole rivalry with MJF and the Pinnacle has gotten out of hand. It was horrible and this Blood and Guts match coming up wasn't a joke or something to be taken lightly

I have been a part of the Inner Circle since AEW started. As Santana's girl, I was always by his side and the rest of the Inner Circle, but this time, I was beyond worried for all of them, especially Santana.

He asked me to stay backstage during their confrontation. That's when all of the nerves came at me hard. I always went out there with them. We wrestled matches together. I was a daredevil too so there were times when I got some spotlight. They all agreed that I would have no parts in this match. I understand that they were just trying to protect me, but at the same time, it worried me.

''You boys, you have a lot in your life. This match, it's going to change that. Hell, it's changing now. For example, where's your girl, Santana?" Dax sighed, smiling because he knew it would get under Santana's skin.

Watching backstage, I immediately got pissed off and worried. Santana tossed his sunglasses off and there was a crazed look in his eyes. Thankfully, Ortiz was able to hold him back, that becoming a more difficult task whenever Dax continued:

"You had a pretty amazing woman, man! She was even fighting with you guys, but do you realize a particular part of what I said? You HAD. You don't realize it, but she's going to be moving on to bigger and better things when my boy, Cash finally seals the deal and steals your girl. Not only that, but whenever Blood and Guts is over, she won't have a man to come home to."

It took Ortiz and Jake to hold Santana back. He didn't want to wait and they made sure no one could hear what he was saying. It was not safe for television, but I didn't blame him one bit. If I was out there, I would have slapped both of them silly. The only reason he even mentioned me was that Santana and Ortiz beat them. They tried to use me to get the advantage and failed.

Right after I heard what Dax said, I went straight to the guerrilla. By the time I got there, Chris and MJF were having their little standoff. Thankfully, it didn't take long for them to finish up and Inner Circle exited first.

The moment I saw Santana come backstage, I ran to him, hugging him. I gave him the best hug I could and he did return it, but something felt off. His body was limp almost and I tried to make him feel better whenever I whispered to him:

"Baby, please don't let what he said get to your head."

Santana was in a different state of mind, just patting my back and walking away. The fact that he did that almost made me cry.

"Y/N, you know it's not you," Ortiz said to me, trying to calm me down, "Just give him some time to cool down. You know how he is sometimes."

There were tears in my eyes. The Pinnacle was pissing me off to no end and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. At that moment, I threw all of that out of the window. I noticed they haven't exited yet.

I pushed my way past Ortiz, taking a microphone on the table right by the stairs to the stage. They didn't even bother to stop me, cameras still rolling whenever I got to the stage. MJF was the first to spot me, adding to my anger when he said:

"Aww, you came to join us already?"

"At work, I try to keep my composure, but you all have been testing me!" I groaned, getting right in all of their faces, "You all want to push me out of this situation because I'm a woman, but don't get it twisted. I've been in the Inner Circle since day one and have accomplished more than any woman here!"

For once, everyone was silent, listening to what I had to say and I didn't stop there, making sure I got in Dax and Cash's faces, saying:

"Woman or not, I ain't afraid to get into that Blood and Guts match. I will get my ass in there and beat every one of you like the bitches that you are! And you want to get to my man by mentioning me? Cash, you're going to steal me?"

Dax and Cash started laughing with MJF and Shawn, thinking it was a joke, but I quickly put the seriousness back into the situation whenever I slapped Cash right across the face.

"You look at me when I'm talking to you," I growled, getting straight to the point, "Dax was right. I am an amazing woman, but I can't move onto bigger and better things when I have the most amazing man on this earth by my side!"

Everyone loved what I was saying, supporting Santana, finishing with, "When Blood and Guts is over with, nothing is going to change. I am still going to go back to the man I love, the Inner Circle will always be on top and you all are still going to be some jobber bitches! Don't forget, I am a part of the Inner Circle too and next time you want to say something about me, say it to my damn face."

The microphone dropped hard whenever I walked away, Ortiz and the guys still waiting for me.

"Holy shit," I heard Sammy whisper, they were honestly a little scared from how pissed off I was.

"Where's Santana?" I snapped, all of them jumping when they heard the sound of my voice.

"He went towards the football field," Jake quickly answered and I left them at that, storming off to the football field.

As Jake said, that's where Santana was, sitting in the stands, his elbows propped up on his knees and his legs were shaking like hell. My anger was still up high and I didn't mean to sound mean whenever I said to Santana:

"So, you're not going to talk to me?"

"You know I am pissed off right now," Santana murmured, but I hit him with:

"And you think I'm not!? You didn't even see what I just did!"

Quickly, his head shot up, looking directly into my eyes, saying, "What did you do?"

"I put them little boys in their place. That's what I did!" I informed him, "I am sick of being left out of this shit. I will not let anyone get away with saying something about me and my man. You know I don't roll that way, Santana."

Santana covered his head with his hands, even more, frustrated and it made me frustrated too. He had every right to be angry, but he wasn't just frustrated. It was like he was scared of something, extremely insecure.

"Why are you being like this?" I asked, finally calming down with a deep breath, "I know you're angry. You have every right to be, but it's like you're scared or something. You know how much I love you. I wouldn't trade you for the world, baby. What he said is getting to you and it shouldn't be."

"Because," Santana groaned, standing up, "How would you feel if a girl tried stealing me?"

"Don't get me wrong, I'd probably try to beat her up," I chuckled, "But at the same time, I really wouldn't worry because you're loyal. You have always been loyal to me; I trust you and I know you would never just leave me."

Santana just got quiet, nothing to say after that, turning around so that he was facing the football field.

"Are you questioning my loyalty or something?" I asked, getting emotional again and he turned back to me, noticing how this was making me feel, near tears when I barely got out, "After everything you been through and you think that I would just leave you?"

"No!" Santana exclaimed, "You know-"

"I don't think I know," I cried, cutting him off, "I have never got such mixed feelings from you. Any time we hit a roadblock, we plow through it and keep on being happy. Why is this different?"

Finally, I was able to get him to tell me his true feelings, Santana looking at the ground, whispering, "Sometimes, I can't help but feel like you're too good for me and that someone may take you away, just because I'm not good enough."

"Are you crazy?" I chuckled, smiling through some tears, "Since you didn't hear what I said out there, I'll gladly say it again."

For me, it felt like forever, but I was able to get all of the bad and crazy emotions to go away. I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding his head, telling him:

"They were right. I am an amazing woman, but I can't move onto 'bigger and better things when I have the most amazing man walking this earth by my side."

My words put a big smile on Santana's face, growing whenever my thumb stroked his cheek, bringing his head to mine when I whispered, "When Blood and Guts is over, I am still going to have the man I love. I'm not going anywhere and never will. By your side is where I will always be. I love you with all my heart and soul, Santana."

A tear rolled down my cheek, but I was so happy whenever he wrapped one arm around my neck, the other around my waist, my face on his chest whenever he hugged me, keeping me close and not letting me go. It was just so comforting, so full of love and I never wanted to leave his arms, just stay in his sweet embrace.

"I love you too, baby," Santana whispered in my ear, "I'm sorry I reacted that way."

"Trust me, I wanted you to beat him up," I whispered, making the both of us laugh, "But don't worry. I have you, you have me and no one or nothing will ever change that. I promise you that."

"I won't ever doubt it," Santana smirked, picking his head up, mine following his, smiles on both of our faces.

"You know I don't break promises," I cooed, kissing his cheek, but I got a lot more in return.

Thank goodness he was holding me or I would have stumbled, his lips smacking into mine. That's not what he intended and I was perfectly fine with it because his kiss was like nothing I have ever experienced.

He kissed me hard at first, but it ended up being so soft and heartfelt, savoring every single element, from the touch of our lips, our bodies against one another, his scent filling my brain, all of the love he had for me, I could feel every drop of it and it sure was a lot. I made sure I gave all of that back to him, double confirming everything that I told him; another happy tear falling down my cheek when he kissed me softly one more time, keeping his head against mine.

"Don't cry, baby," He cooed, stroking my cheek, thumb poking at my smile when I said:

"I just love you so damn much."

"Like you said," He smirked, looking deeply into my eyes, planting a kiss on my lips, "We have each other and that will never change."