#he was fully capable emotionally and in every other way of living that life and he had decided to try

[lovelicht]

PAC: Your current situation and advice

Disclaimer: As I am not a professional reader, all of the posts are to be taken with a grain of salt. This is a general reading so some things might not resonate. Regardless of the situation, please remember that tarot portrays only one of the multiple scenarios of your life and you choose whether to follow it or not.

(1->2, 3->4)

Group 1

Cards: The Chariot, The World Rx, Knight of Wands (bottom of the deck: King of Swords Rx)

Your current situation:

You are currently in the phase of your life where you are actively navigating through diverse situations in the pursuit of your goals. It can reflect itself both on a professional/academic level and a personal/interpersonal one, given that the effort you are putting in serves to your development. Considering the presence of the reversed King, it’s highly probable that you might find yourself losing the emotional balance in course of your trial, but you keep pushing forward nonetheless. The said misbalance could manifest itself as impulsivity, impatience, arguments with colleagues / friends / family when things do not go your way, as well as a lingering sense of frustration towards oneself at the slightest failures.

The advice:

Embrace your imperfections, for they are what makes you human and teach you to strive further. As I have previously mentioned, at the moment you might be very sensitive to failure, because you give your all on your way to attaining your wish, however this drains you both emotionally and energetically, holding you in the self-made prison of frustration. It is natural to misstep sometimes, because it shows us aspects of ourselves that we still have to work on, and once we finally do so, we will become closer to our goals and inner peace in general. Make a habit of being grateful and happy even from apparently small successes, as, in the end, it’s the small steps that make the journey.

What can you do to follow the advice?

Give yourself the freedom you deserve! The expectations you have put on yourself tie you down and do not allow you to fully embrace the experience of living your passions. Wands are a suit that speaks of life and the fire inside each one of us, let that fire guide you through the dark of your mind. For example, if you have an idea you really wish to try, whether hobby or simply an experiment at work, do it, because even if it doesn’t work out, by the end of it you will be able to learn what should be done next time so it becomes better! Do not fear other’s judgment either, for they make mistakes too, whether they choose to show it or not. You are your own person and you live your own life, do not let yourself be confined by your fears and other’s thoughts!

Group 2

Cards: Page of Wands Rx, The Tower Rx, Five of Coins Rx (bottom of he deck: Strength)

Your current situation:

You are trying to embrace your youthfulness, embody the present you always wished to have, but for some reason it all seems to go downhill regardless of how much you try. For some it might be a blockage related to not being capable to let yourself remorselessly behave free, while for others it can be described through a series of unpleasant or even unfortunate events that seem to haunt them every time they try to step out of the box. It’s highly probable that in this group are a lot of children who had to grow up fast, and now that you are given the freedom of age, you are trying to become the wild icon your child self wished to become, but it simply doesn’t work out. An example could be the typically introverted young adult going to a club, and once they finally try to let go of their fears they meet someone there, get into a relationship with that person and they get hurt so badly that it makes the young adult retreat back into their shell.

The advice:

There is some stuff you have to let go of, in order to truly feel the freedom you blindly seek through the said activities. Many of you struggle with unresolved trauma, whether it’s about bullying, parental issues or other sorts of painful experiences. By trying to be the conventional active youth, you are showing your resilience in rapport to your past, but the problem is that some problems bind you, unless you learn to diminish their impact on your life. It is never easy, but a wound cured now, stops a dormant infection in the future, that could potentially affect both yourself and everyone you will grow to care about.

What can you do to follow the advice?

Accept that nobody will come in your life and heal your past, for little who have enough energy to take care both of others and oneself. You are being encouraged to face your trauma on your own and come into terms with it one way or another: whether it’s shadow work that you feel you can do on your own or asking for the help of a specialist, or in general someone you feel that can help you. 

This message might not be for everyone, but stop hoping that your parents will heal the pain they inflicted on you, for they are simply not in the headspace to do that. It’s frustrating, but such is the truth: you ought to take matters into your own hands, because they won’t do it for you, nor for themselves.

Group 3

Cards: Nine of Coins, Three of Cups Rx, The Star (bottom of the deck: Four of Wands)

Your current situation:

At the moment, you are in the stage of reaping the rewards of your hard work in the past. Previously you might have put yourself out there a lot in order to achieve certain goals and now you embrace the results and it’s all coming abundantly. Good things come to you almost from every corner, and you might even feel somewhat overwhelmed by how fast everything comes into your life at the moment, whether it’s opportunities, money or other form of creative energy. Those being said though, you might also feel the need to take a break after all the efforts you put in previously, to make some time for yourself and adjust yourself to receiving the abundant energy that is coming your way.

The advice:

Celebrate your successes and let yourself feel the blessings of your hard work. It is finally the time to rejoice after a long period of trials and tribulations. Even though you might still have certain unresolved issues, fear not, everything has its time, and now is the time you show yourself the appreciation you deserve for building a strong foundation for your future development. Just make sure not to go overboard and overindulge in pride and joys, as even the best of medicine becomes poison if ingested in doses too great.

What can you do to follow the advice?

As I have mentioned earlier, you might find your mind still worrying about certain issues, even once abundance started flowing into your life. You are being advised to leave some things in the hands of destiny and embrace an overall positive manifestation stance. Be hopeful and trust the universe to do its works for you have already done a great deal. Do not get me wrong, life consists of one’s continuous development, but some things are better left to the flow, for they are variables we cannot and needn't currently solve, especially when they still haven’t come into our lives.

Group 4

Cards: Six of Cups Rx, Justice Rx, Knight of Swords Rx (bottom of the deck: Eight of Wands) + 8

Your current situation

Before conducting the reading I was repeatedly counting to 8 without any reason at all so I presume this number might either have a personal meaning to you or it could apply to your current life period in general. Eight is overall a number I associate with karma and karmic events that happen both in our and other’s lives, regardless of what we subjectively might think is right or wrong. It could be that you are currently undergoing a series of events you find unfair in relationship to you or someone close to you, to the point you suffer from it personally, via frustration, anger, perhaps with a hint of self victimisation in relationship to the unjust treatment you/they receive from life. Your perception of life might be still rather immature due to your past, perhaps you have been suffering from bad treatment since early childhood, thus you feel like you deserve better than that in the present. Overall you are a fiery and reactive person, to the point where you might show your displeasure in regards to events or actions you deem wrong a little too violently.

The advice:

Some things are better left up to the karmic forces to influence. Doing your own justice isn’t applicable in every situation, especially when it comes to a subjective, misbalanced, red coloured lens that one might own as a traumatic response. Revenge and general state of clouded lucidity does nothing more than suck your energy and hurt more or less directly both you and the ones you might care about. Universe has it’s own mysterious ways of functioning, which transcend both time and lifetimes in general.

What can you do to follow the advice?

Pay less attention to your past and the people in it, and move actively towards your future instead. You are brave and capable, use your intellect and rebellious nature to break the chains that attach you to your past instead. Try cultivating a more healthy action-oriented view of life to balance your impulsiveness and to harness your inner energy that is currently focused on anger. You have a lot of work to do on yourself, and it requires all the energy and courage you can muster!

[mvrtaiswriting]

Reiner Braun - Wonderland (part 1)

This is the Reiner work I have been talking about recently. I have decided to split it into two parts as it is very long. It follows AOT timeline, so please be mindful of any spoilers ahead. Specifically, this first part contains spoilers from season 1-3 (ish). The segments and different timezones of the story are divided by quotes from different Taylor Swift songs, which were vital for the formation of this idea. More specifically, the song that served as the backbone for this first part of the story was Wonderland, from the 1989 album (I wish there was a Taylor's version for it, but we'll have to wait I guess.)

gn! reader.

usual AOT violence.

1.8 K words.

Enjoy this, and let me know what you think!

Didn’t it all feel new and exciting? 

Standing in formation with the rest of the cadets was the only thing that made sense. New soldiers were needed to confront the menace that 5 years before had changed your lives forever - you didn’t want any more kids to witness the horrors of the titans invading their cities, devouring their dearest people.

The training had been intensive; every day for the past three years you had to battle against hunger, degradation, physical challenges that pushed your body over limits you didn’t know humans were capable of reaching. A lot of fellow comrades had left, unable to bear the overwhelming difficulty of the course; it was difficult to find a reason to live after your whole life had been erased right in front of your eyes - it was hard to find a reason to fight, now that there was no one to protect. 

Those thoughts were popular even among the most motivated cadets - even Eren had his bad days, in which all it seemed pointless. Holding your closed fist to your chest while swearing fidelity to the Survey Corps, flashbacks of the training days came back to you in a blur - and you couldn’t help but be grateful for the friends you made along the way. If it hadn’t been for them, lord knows what would have happened to you. The image of Marco’s body was still vivid in your mind, and despite all the sorrow that his death had caused among your group, you couldn’t help but be grateful that it wasn’t you - you were safe for now, and so were the people you loved the most. 

“It’s scary to think we’ll be going back there in less then a week.” 

Reiner spoke, catching the attention of all his comrades, shutting down all the nonsense chatting. 

“I’m sure we’ll be fine.” Jean replied, his lips curving into a weak smile. 

Everyone nodded in agreement, trying to move away from Reiner’s statement and cheering up the mood among the dining table you were all seated at. Marco’s death was not yet fully accepted - it had been a week since Jean had to identify him and then watch the fire take away what was left of his dear friend. All of you were still mourning his passing.

A loud sigh escaped Reiner’s lips - despite his reassuring demeanour, he was just as scared, just as emotionally drained; he was just better at hiding it. Being a soldier meant being ready to face the same horrors all over again, watching the people you grew up with die in the most horrible, inhumane way. Stretching your arm under the table, you were quick to find his hand, letting your fingers interlock with his, giving his hand a feeble squeeze. You wanted to remind him how you could see right through him, how you could understand his turmoil because you had been through so much just like him, but at least you still had each other. 

Life had not find a way to separate the two of you just yet, always looking out for each other during missions, risking your lives to protect the other. It had always been like that between the two of you, even during your training days. If you were punished, Reiner would go out of his way to be punished with you - he didn’t want to leave you alone, he didn’t want you to be anywhere but next to him, even if that meant running until his legs gave out. 

A pink blush coloured Reiner’s cheeks, who was quick to hold your hand tighter in his grip, gifting you the softest smile you had ever seen. Of course, that did not go unnoticed by your annoying friends, who were quick to make you and Reiner the topic of the conversation and embarrass both of you, making everyone else laugh at how ridiculously cute your relationship was. The love story going on between you and Reiner wasn’t new to anyone; you had been hanging around each other since the very first start of your training course, and never parted ways ever since. Reiner was your first love, your first kiss - the first person you were able to love again until losing your whole family; and you would have done anything for him. The only person who really knew about this was Mikasa - you had confessed everything to her, knowing that she would be the only person able to understand exactly how you felt. 

“Cut it out.” Mikasa finally spoke, elbowing Connie. 

“Hey!” Connie was quick to reply. “It was just a compliment.” 

Too in love to think straight, all alone or so it seemed.. but there were strangers watching, and whispers turned to talking, and talking turned to screams. 

After having captured the Female Titan, the hypotheses about the Colossal and Armoured Titans became stronger, central to the plan of the next Survey Corps mission. 

“It can’t be.”

Was all you managed to say after Hanji finally exposed their theory, suspicions pointing out directly towards your lover and his friend. 

“We can’t rule it out. But we need to gather more information so please, please -“ 

Hanji begged, leaving you speechless for a second. How could they ever suspect of Reiner, wasn’t he decisive in every mission you have had? Questions began to crowd your mind whilst the rest of your squad silently looked at you, waiting for an answer. They wanted you to investigate, to discover more about Reiner’s past and true identity, as if you didn’t share countless nights with him - as if he was the one responsible for your family’s death. A fleeble nod was the only response you were able to give, trying your best to remain lucid. All you had to do was prove your boyfriend’s innocence, how hard could it be? 

Doubts started insinuating in your mind when Reiner started avoiding you, spending more time with Bertholtd. They were always close friends so even if their closure seemed legit at first, what seemed suspicious was how incredible talkative Bertholtd had become; the shy, introverse guy was now replaced by a more confident figure, who exerted so much more influence on Reiner than you could ever imagine. 

“Are you a soldier, or a warrior? Where does your loyalty lay?!” 

I felt your arms twisting around me; I should have slept with one eye open at night.

Forcing yourself to keep quiet, you were quick to bring your hands to your mouth in an attempt to suppress your sobs. Pressing your back against the wall, trying to hear more from the conversation Reiner and Bertholdt were having, you forced yourself to resist a little more. Tears started running down your face as Bertholdt described Marco’s incident, praising how well they had handled the situation before their cover up got screwed. Mumbles were coming out Reiner’s mouth, inaudible to hear from behind a close door - but enough to make you realise the truth. 

“That doesn’t mean he is one of the titans..” you whispered, after reporting everything you heard to Hanji. Your voice echoed in Erwin's office, whilst the brightest minds of the survey corps put all their pieces together.

“Go back to your team and tell them the plan; you did good.” Levi answered, resting his hand on your shoulder.

As if a little bolt inside your had just broken, you were unable to function properly. Your movements became mechanical, moving around like a puppet who mindlessly followed the orders of its superiors. There was a lot you still weren’t able to process - having to overhear your boyfriend’s conversations, trying to accept the idea he was responsible for the complete destruction of your life, getting your head around how he could stomp on the corpses of your fellow citizens one day and make you fall in love with him the other, how could he cry in front of the ashes of your comrades - who lost their lives because of what he did. 

“What’s wrong?”

Reiner asked, wrapping his arms around your waist and engulfing you in his arms, letting your back rest against his broad chest. He had no idea about what you knew, and as if you already didn’t go through enough, Hanji asked you to act as if you were oblivious to everything you just discovered. 

“Just tired.” 

Reiner hummed in response, kissing the crown of your head and holding you tighter. He tried to savour this moments as long as he could; a part of him wished you could follow him back to Marley, but he knew better. He knew where your loyalty lied, he knew just how much you would have hated him once you discovered the truth - and he hated himself too. 

And in the end, in wonderland, we both went mad. 

“I’m sorry.” Reiner whispered, his eyes full of tears. “I love you.” 

These were the last words Reiner said to you before pushing you down the wall, your body precipitating down the Wall Maria as you watched him transform into the Armoured Titan. 

The bolt of yellow lightning coloured the whole sky in front of you, blinding you as your body continued its fall. Every inch of you had hoped you were wrong, you prayed for it to be all just a bad dream until the very last moment; you had faith. 

When Jean wrapped his arms around you, carrying your body over his shoulder while moving along the wall, you were finally brought back to reality.

"Are you okay?!" he shouted, trying his best to move away from the battlefield. 

You remained silent, watching Eren fighting the Armoured Titan. Squinting your eyes a little bit, your gaze meticulously scanned the titan’s features - his eyes, his hair, the little hump in his nose that was oh, so familiar. How could you be so blind? How could you not recognise the face of the man you loved? 

Jean was quick to bring you to the top of the Wall Maria, letting your body sit on one of the wooden benches they prepared. Resting his hands on your shoulders, Jean vigorously shook your body trying to bring you back to your senses. Absent-minded, the only thing you managed to do was staring at the floor in front of you, trying to process everything you just witnessed. Reiner’s titan screams filled the air, piercing your ears like a drill making its way to your brain. Bringing your hand on your ODM gear, finally coming to your senses again, you tried your best to not run to him. Every muscle of your body was screaming you to move, to run towards the man you loved and save his life as you always did. But you remained still, fighting against every single one of your instincts. 

“Are you okay?” 

Jean asked again, this time in a softer tone. He kneeled before you, his pupils moving rapidly as he worriedly stared at you. You were in the middle of a battle ground and you weren’t responding, you were alive but not living at all. A simple nod was the only response you managed to give him, before getting up and walking towards your commanders. This was your fight more than anyone else’s; the Survey Corps needed a plan, and there was no one who knew Reiner better than you. 

[friskynotebook]

Tears You Up But Sets You Free

CW: grief, death of a loved one

Summary: Padme believes she's in unrequited love with Obi-Wan—until one morning when she finds him sleeping in a closet

did I really spend all day writing almost 3,000 words of a Padme lives post ROTS Obidala angsty love confession and posted it unbeta'd? yes

The title is from the song Memphis Lives in Me from the musical Memphis ✨ You can listen to it here

Also on AO3!

Padme rolled over, blinking the sleep from her eyes as the Dantooine morning sun filtered through her bedroom window. She reached over to the other side of the bed and patted the cool sheets, hoping that this morning would be different than the others.

It never was.

She sighed. Ever since she and Obi-Wan had escaped to a tiny village on Dantooine with the twins nearly three years ago, they had grown closer. Living on a remote planet required them to rely on each other, both physically and emotionally. The friendship long-ago established on Naboo deepend further in the past three years than it had in the previous thirteen. They may have been legally married on Dantooine to maintain their cover, but for Padme, Obi-Wan Kenobi had become something deeper—her very best friend.

And perhaps something more . . .

On her end, there had always been something simmering beneath the surface when it came to her relationship with Obi-Wan, but he was so dedicated to the Order and so much of a Jedi, it never seemed like a real possibility. So he remained a dear friend and ally, nothing more. And when things presented themselves with Anakin . . .

But that was then. Now, however, as the years had passed, she found herself growing more and more fond of Obi-Wan every day. Of course she knew he was a handsome man—Padme had fully functioning eyes, after all. But she never really saw how gorgeous he was until she had to spend endless amounts of time with just him and her children. 

The children. Watching him interact with Luke and Leia—that was probably when she started to fall in love. Even when her heart was shattered in a million pieces mere weeks after their arrival, the pain lessened just a little when she saw Obi-Wan gently soothing little Leia’s cries so Padme could get a little more rest.

As the twins got older, Obi-Wan threw himself into fatherhood the same way Padme had thrown herself into motherhood. It surprised her—not his capability to love her children, because she’d seen first hand how much he’d loved Anakin and the rest of the Order, for that matter. But for someone who’d never had a traditional family structure of his own, he’d been committed to caring for the children and her as if it had ben ingrained in his very soul. Even though they had meager credits to their name, she and Obi-Wan were committed to giving Luke and Leia as normal a life as possible—from birthday parties to day trips to the mountains to sleepovers with friends, where the twins were right now.

Padme sighed. They didn’t often get long stretches of time alone together, and she wanted nothing more than to simply be with him and show him just how much he meant to her. But instead, he continued being his annoyingly perfect self and made her dinner, sat with her in the living room as he read a new arrival from the town library, and settled into the bed they shared with barely a kiss on the cheek.

And now she was waking up alone. Again

Padme shook her head. She wasn’t going down this path again. Obi-Wan had so many of his own burdens to deal with and the last thing he needed was to deal with her . . . feelings. They were best friends, nothing more.

Best friends who shared a bed. 

Purely for our cover, Obi-Wan had reassured her. We can’t have the children telling their friends their married parents sleep in separate bedrooms. It would draw too much attention.

Selfishly, she had agreed. If only for a little more time spent in Obi-Wan’s warmth.

She rolled out of bed and slipped into a robe. She wasn’t used to early morning quiet with two five year olds running around—she was nearly startled by the sounds of her own footsteps as she padded to the kitchen to brew some caf.

As she went through the motions of preparing the hot drink—two creams, two sugars for her, one sugar for Obi-Wan—Padme glanced at the door to a small storage room beside the twins’ bedroom. Obi-Wan converted it from a closet when they had first arrived, needing a hidden space to store the few remaining relics of his Jedi life as well as a quiet place to meditate away from the others. Every morning, he’d rise before the sun and meditate for an hour or two before the rest of the family got up. This morning didn’t seem any different, even without the children, so she settled at their small kitchen table and sipped at her caf, waiting for Obi-Wan to finish.

But as the minutes ticked by, he didn’t emerge.

After half a standard hour, Padme grabbed Obi-Wan’s rapidly cooling mug and approached the closed door. She knocked softly.

“Obi-Wan? Is everything alright?”

Silence.

Padme tried to quell her rising nerves and knocked again.

“Obi-Wan?”

Silence.

Padme swallowed. “I’m coming in.”

She opened the door—only for it to stop halfway through. “What—?”

The door was caught on what appeared to be a bundle of robes and—was that Obi-Wan’s foot?

Padme frowned and pushed the door all the way open as gently as she could, kneeling down beside the long lump of robes and brushing a lock of hair back from her husband’s forehead.

Obi-Wan was snoring softly under the robe-blanket he had carefully tucked around him, his head resting on a robe-pillow. Padme’s lips quirked. He must have fallen asleep while meditating this morning.

But . . . That didn’t explain the state of the storage room. His makeshift bed looked lived-in, more so than his actual bed. A small chest beside his robe-pillow acted as a nightstand, with his latest holo book and the glasses he swore he didn’t need resting on top. 

Why is he sleeping here?

It couldn’t have been comfortable. Obi-Wan wasn’t a particularly large man, but this storage room was tiny. Padme was sitting half outside the room as it was. It can’t be good for him being cramped in this space all night long—how many nights does he do this?

Padme thought back to their past three years in Dantooine—she couldn’t remember a single morning when her husband woke up beside her. Surely he must have in all their years but her mind kept coming up short. She brushed her fingers delicately along his bearded jaw, then gasped as she saw, seemingly for the first time, how dark the circles under his eyes were, and how deep his crows feet went. How had she never noticed this?

Before her thoughts could derail any further, Padme heard Obi-Wan whimper, his brow furrowed even in sleep. “No . . . no, please . . .”

Padme set the caf down on the chest and leaned forward, gently shaking her husband’s shoulder. “Obi-Wan, wake up.”

His breathing became more erratic and he started whimpering. The fear Padme had been pushing down started creeping up her throat.

She brushed her hand through his hair. “Obi-Wan, please. You’re safe, you need to wake up.”

Suddenly, Obi-Wan’s eyes shot open and he sat up, panting heavily. 

“Shhh,” Padme soothed, stroking his hair. “It was just a dream, Obi-Wan. You’re safe.”

He blinked at her as if he was seeing her for the first time. “P-Padme? What are you doing here?”

She swallowed. “You didn’t come out for your caf. I got worried.”

“Oh.” Obi-Wan ran a hand through his damp hair. “I”m sorry for worrying you, dear one.”

Padme pushed down the flutter in her chest at the pet name. “What’s going on?”

“Hmm?” He looked up, his blue eyes looking more dull than she’d ever seen them. 

“Why are you sleeping in here?”

Obi-Wan cleared his throat. “Oh, I must have fallen asleep while meditating again—”

Padme raised a brow. “So you made yourself a bedroom?”

He blushed. “Padme, it’s not—”

“Don’t tell me what it’s not, Obi-Wan. Tell me what it is.” Padme kept her voice soft but left no room for arguments.

“This is wrong.”

Padme furrowed her brow. “What’s wrong?”

“What I’m doing—my life—what I’ve done—it’s wrong.” His breath hitched in his throat.

Suddenly realizing this issue was far deeper than he had let on, Padme settled on his robe-bed, nestling closer to him. “What’s so wrong about our life?” she asked gently.

“I shouldn’t be living it!” he blurted out. “I k-killed him—”

“Obi-Wan no—”

He was getting lost in his thoughts. “I failed him and then I killed him. He was my brother, my apprentice, I should have helped him—”

“He was beyond help.” Padme soothed, repeating all the things he told her over the years. “There’s nothing wrong—”

He buried his face in his hands and Padme’s heart shattered even more. “Everything is wrong! I’m living his life—the life I stole. Don’t you see, Padme? This is all wrong! It should be Anakin here—”

“No it shouldn’t.”

That got Obi-Wan to stop right in his tracks. “What?”

Padme took her best friend’s face into her hands, stroking his beard with her thumbs. “No. It. Shouldn’t.”

“Padme, h-how can you say that? How can you want this life with me—”

“How about you let me decide what I want and what’s good for me?” She softened the blow of her words with a raised brow. 

Obi-Wan took a breath, not meeting her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

She forced his eyes upwards. “Don’t be,” she insisted, closing her eyes. Now or never, Padme. “I—Obi-Wan—”

“I’m not the family you need.” His voice was deadly quiet.

Her eyes snapped open. “What?”

He tried pulling away, but she wouldn’t let him go. “I’m not—” He swallowed. “I can’t be what you need.”

“And what exactly do I need?” Padme wasn’t going to lose her husband to his own mind, not if she had anything to say about it.

“Someone who can handle sharing a bed with you, being your husband, your children’s father, sharing your life, being in love with you—”

Padme’s eyes widened. “You’re in love with me?” she whispered.

Obi-Wan’s expression mirrored hers as he tried to back away, reminding Padme of a skittish animal. She pulled him closer. 

“Padme,” he rasped. “I’m so—”

“Don’t you dare apologize, Obi-Wan Kenobi,” she murmured, running one of her hands along his shoulder. “Is this why you’ve been sleeping here?”

He nodded. “It was too much,” he whispered. “Feeling the way I did and being in your bed. But I couldn’t bear to leave you either. I figured this was the best solution.”

The hand on his shoulder drifted down to his chest. “All this time? You were sleeping here all this time?”

“Mostly,” he nodded. “I’d wait until you were asleep and then come here. It was better this way,” he added, seeing Padme’s crestfallen expression. “You needed your rest and my nightmares would wake you—”

“I don’t give a bantha’s ass about your nightmares waking me,” she insisted. “And what about your rest? Obi-Wan you don’t even fit in here! You must be so sore—you’ve been doing this for years?”

Her fretting brought a tiny smile to his face. “I’ve survived worse.”

“I don’t care—no more of this,” Padme declared. “You’re sleeping back in our bed, where you belong.”

Obi-Wan’s eyes grew distant again. “I can’t, Padme. You don’t need an old Jedi complicating—”

“What did I say about letting me decide what I need?” Padme smiled. “And . . . what if I wanted you in my bed?”

Obi-Wan furrowed his brow and Padme wanted desperately to smooth it out with her thumb. “What?”

She took a deep breath. “What if . . . I loved you too?”

His face went ashen. “Padme, no . . . How . . .?”

“How can I love? Or how can I love you?”

Obi-Wan opened and closed his mouth a few times before answering. “Both,” he choked out. “With everything that’s happened.”

“Just because I’ve loved and been hurt in my past doesn’t mean I can’t love again, Obi-Wan. I’m still human,” she murmured, stroking his cheek.

“But with Anakin—”

“Not him.”

“What?”

She sighed. “I wasn’t talking about him.”

Obi-Wan leaned into her touch, waiting for her to continue.

“I cared for Ani, truly, and I did love him—just not the way a wife should love a husband,” she said, finally confiding in him the realization she had come to long ago. “The Anakin I loved—the Anakin I thought I loved—never existed. At most, we had infatuation. We never had time to explore anything else. And . . . if we had . . . I don’t think our marriage would have worked. Even if everything hadn’t happened.”

Obi-Wan’s eyes widened. “But—you were both happy—”

“Obi-Wan,” she murmured, forcing his eyes to meet hers. “I’ve been happier with you on our worst day than with Anakin on our best.”

His eyes filled with tears. “Oh, Padme.”

“Out here, I’ve had nothing but time to think about our lives before, all the mistakes I made, everything we’ve been through . . . Luke and Leia are my world, but marrying Ani was a mistake. Rushing things was a mistake. I wanted us to be happy so badly I convinced myself we were.”

Obi-Wan sighed. “Perhaps we were both blinded by love.”

“Both?”

“I’m not a fool, Padme. I’d known about you and Anakin long before you realized I knew.” He sighed. “You both had been through so much . . . I wanted you both to be happy.”

“We weren’t.” She squeezed his hand. “Not truly.”

“I think we both saw what we wanted to see.”

Padme wrapped her arms around his neck, letting out a sigh of relief when her husband wrapped his own arms around her. She kissed his neck, settling into his embrace.

“Did you ever think about this? Before?” Padme asked.

“I was so committed to the Order I never truly considered the possibility,” he answered honestly. “I couldn’t allow myself to think about . . . anything I could feel for you. I didn’t think any relationship was an option until you and Anakin were married.”

“And then it was too late,” she finished his thought, her breath tickling his skin.

“This wasn’t the way I’d have ever wanted us to become a couple,” he murmured.

“I know,” she reassured him. “But—if it was an option. If we could have explored our feelings. If everything hadn’t happened. What would you have done?”

“I’d have left the Order,” Obi-Wan replied, his voice so soft Padme barely heard the words.

She lifted her head. “Obi-Wan!”

“I couldn’t fulfill a commitment to you and to the Order,” Obi-Wan replied, the torment in his voice replaced by an eerie calm.

“But your duty—”

“—was to the Republic. I didn’t need to be part of the Order to serve the Republic.”

After a moment, Padme responded. “And if I hadn’t returned your feelings?”

“It wouldn’t have mattered,” he whispered. “As you can see, I’m not very good at effectively repressing romantic feelings,” he smirked.

Padme beamed. “And now you don’t have to.”

She leaned in ready to finally kiss her best friend, her husband, for the first time—only for Obi-Wan to turn away.

“What is it?” she asked, lifting his chin to meet her eyes. “Please, tell me. Let me care for you the way you’ve always cared for me.”

Obi-Wan swallowed, his tormented blue eyes filling once more with tears. “Have you ever . . . have you ever wished it were Anakin here instead of me?”

Padme closed her eyes and cupped his face in her hands, pressing her forehead against his. “Once, a long time ago. When the babies were six months old.”

He started to nod his head, accepting this, but Padme refused to let him leave her embrace. She opened her eyes. “I was in so much pain I couldn’t think straight. Trying to deal with the pain of losing Anakin while raising twins . . . it was too much most days. And one day, you were bathing Luke and I remember thinking, you’re the wrong Jedi. It should be Anakin here bathing my babies.”

“But you know what?” Padme continued, wanting to chase the pain out of his eyes. “The very next morning, I heard one of the twins cry and I started to roll out of bed. But then I heard you talking to them and you sang a lullaby with your beautiful voice and you know what I said?”

“What?” Obi-Wan whispered, tears slipping down his cheeks.

She tightened her grip on his jaw, kissing his tears. “I said, oh good. Their father’s taking care of them.” She swallowed. “Luke and Leia may have Anakin’s DNA, but you are their father, through and through. One intrusive thought I had when I was deep in the throes of grief does not take that away and it never will. I love you, Obi-Wan. Our children love you. And even though the circumstances are never what I would have wanted, nothing has made me happier than being here with you and our children. Nothing.”

Obi-Wan leaned forward, capturing her lips in a passionate kiss. “Padme,” he moaned, his nose brushing against hers.

“I love you, Obi-Wan,” she murmured against his mouth. “You’re my home.”

“I love you,” he repeated, pulling her closer. “I’ll never grow tired of saying that.”

“I’ll never grow tired of hearing it,” she beamed.

“Padme, I—ow!” Obi-Wan broke the kiss, rubbing the back of his head.

“Are you alright?” she asked, reaching over to inspect his head herself.

“I think I hit my head on this shelf,” he frowned.

Padme snorted. “I can’t believe you’ve been sleeping in this closet for years.”

“In hindsight, it does seem rather foolish, doesn’t it?” Obi-Wan grinned.

Padme’s heart fluttered when she finally saw Obi-Wan’s beautiful smile. “Come on. Let’s head somewhere a little more comfortable . . .”

No-pressure tags: @saradika @obiknights @alabama-metal-man @cypanache @your-dose-of-obidala @justsaysomethingjayj @written-musings @celestial-alignment @darlingamidala

[electricbluebutterflies]

Kabby + sharing a blanket in front of the fireplace

I've been writing these babes for eight years and apparently they can still emotionally mess me up. 4x02 grayspace territory, PG-ish, and also on ao3.

It’s over. It will never be over.

If Abby is sure of one thing it is that she will never again know any kind of quiet life, to whatever extent she ever did. If she is lucky she will get heartbeats, perhaps at most a day or two before all hell breaks loose and becomes her problem again. Every moment of calm she can claim is a lesser miracle, every moment-

This may be the last extended quiet she ever gets, for all she knows, and she wants to claim every last second she can. The dust is still settling and she has been rendered useless for now and for once she does not hate it, for once she does not want to be in the center of whatever new storms are forming. She has had an absolute nightmare of a week even by her rapidly slipping standards. They both have. They both…

She is not alone. Maybe she has never been alone.

She is still processing the reality of that, of the body next to hers in aftermath. They have known each other almost their entire lives – she can’t remember not knowing him, their childhoods were different enough but the Ark was only so big and they were in the same age bracket and that was enough to make sure they started their patterns early. She can remember being very small and thinking that someone should take care of the sad boy, someone should-

It has been perhaps thirty-five years since that thought, and she still feels that way but now she is capable. Now she is so much.

She hasn’t let anyone touch her in over a year, hadn’t had time for desire and she was never inclined towards casual entanglement anyways. This will either save her or destroy her, probably somehow both. If it lasts, if they don’t tear each other apart, if she can let herself fully believe that he is good now and-

“Did I hurt you?”

Is it wrong, she wonders, if she is surprised he can put those words together and make them sound convincing?

“No. Not you. I’d say if I could blame you for anything.”

She can’t look at him right now, can’t deal with the physical reality of what she’s gone and done even as she still wants. She doesn’t do things like this, her mind loops over and over again and again like maybe that’ll convince her that she screwed up. They were getting somewhere, yes, but not in a way that makes physicality make sense, not-

No. She can’t justify this. Constantly trying to help avert the end of humanity does not make anything alright. She’s not sure she cares.

“Abby…”

“Why did we do this?” she asks, hoping her voice sounds even enough, hoping she doesn’t end up crying because if she has any dignity left she’d like to keep it, hoping-

“If I remember right, you pulled me down.”

“And you didn’t stop me.”

“Was that what you wanted?”

“I don’t know what I want.”

She feels him moving behind her, the mattress shifting as he maneuvers something. She’s not concerned enough to look, she doesn’t need the visual, she’s curled her body in a ball and she doesn’t know where this sadness came from and it needs to get gone before-

“I didn’t mean to-“

“You didn’t do anything,” she hisses, and this is what she knows for sure right now, that for once in their lives she can’t find any good reason to be mad at him. She loves Marcus more than she trusts him, she thinks, he has become almost human lately but four months of self-inflicted atonement don’t fully make up for almost four decades of being an absolute prick at every possible opportunity and-

He drapes a blanket over her shoulders and it’s warm, and she melts, and she hates that her body is so very human again.

“You worry me,” he murmurs.

“You’re capable of that?”

“I always thought you’d be clingy after… something like this. I was wrong.”

“I am confused, exhausted, and in pain,” she counters. “I’m not your daydream. Remember that next time you-“

“Did that sound like a complaint?”

“I’m too used to everything that comes out of your mouth sounding like a complaint.”

“It wasn’t. You are not…”

“Please. I know I am not-“

“You’re going to try to mutilate yourself now?!”

“Like you’re not doing worse in your own mind?”

His arm wraps around her shoulders, and the indirect touch feels right, not skin on skin but something safer. “We know each other too well.”

“We really do.”

“I don’t need an explanation.”

“That’s new,” she laughs. “Usually you’re on top of me about-“

“I just was a few minutes ago.” She can’t see his face, but she can envision the almost-smile still held back because being perfectly stoic at all times is one of his less destructive survival skills. She’d like to undo that, she thinks, unravel him even further if they get that kind of time please let them get that kind of time, if they-

“You were. And I liked that.”

“You made that very clear. I didn’t think you’d be so-“

“Nothing I did in that condition leaves this room, do you understand?”

“Of course.”

She isn’t sure about this. She’ll never be sure. They have the history they do, messy and bloodstained as it is, and maybe they burn each other out or maybe they die holding hands, hell if she knows right now but-

“I don’t know how I feel,” she murmurs, covering his hand with both of hers. “But I don’t think I regret this. Whatever happens.”

“At worst, we got that out of our systems and we can go back to-“

“We’re not going back. I don’t want that. I don’t know what I want but… the idea of not doing this again is unpleasant.”

“We’ve made enough drastic decisions for one afternoon. Don’t-”

“I’m not going anywhere. That’s all I know right now. Is that enough?”

He kisses the top of her head and it feels right and she could get used to this, learn a new physicality and let her heart get involved as she is trying so hard to avoid. He is safe, she wouldn’t have initiated this if she thought otherwise, and everything else will come out of that.

How, she doesn’t know. She won’t until it happens. But it will.

“Get over here,” she murmurs. “Whatever the hell this dead animal was, it’s too much blanket for one person.”

He does.

[ejaydoeshisbest]

I don't want to disturb anyone just because I'm anxious and lonely.

I don't want to disturb my aunties just because I'm anxious and lonely. Though they are caring, compassionate, generous, and kind people, I don’t want to become dependent on them and infect them with my struggles.

I am not their obligation. They have their own families to take care of. Though they say first and foremost that they love me and that I can call them anytime outside of work, I need to give them a break from me.

I also don't want to constantly bother them after all they've done for me. I think specifically of the consultations, the expensive medical expenses, and the treatments they paid for. If it wasn't for them, I'd still be gasping for each breath.

Whenever I do call them, crying, sobbing, or anxious, my eyes take in their faces the familiar expression of humanity and love. But my insecurity and shame tell me that maybe they're good at hiding their true feelings, which is irritation. "He's calling us again, it's your turn to comfort him."

But, no. My heart feels their genuine generosity.

I also don't want to call them daily because it feels like I am disappointing them; that I am still struggling with my breathing and my anxiety and panic even after all those treatments. Stuck in a loop. And they would reply with affirmations and validations. But it must be tiresome for them to always repeat the same comforting, soothing messages over and over again.

Who would not be sick and tired of that? I feel like whenever they see my face and name pop up on their screens, they roll their eyes, take a deep breath, and summon their most empathetic self to bear with me.

I'm scared that they would grow weary of me and abandon me. I'm terrified that they would run out of love for me.

I want to help myself and help others to please them! To assure them that I'm fine and capable again and all their efforts paid off. To not disturb them with video calls. I have to stop calling them and force myself to tackle this now that I am alone, or else, this will be a loop that has ensnared other people into my dour existence.

I have to take proactive steps to heal and improve myself.

I don’t want to disturb them especially when they’re at work. They have their own lives to live, their own spouses and children, and pets to take care of. They have their own problems to deal with, never mind my own. And though they always say (out of politeness or out of love) that they will always be one call away, I could not bear adding my weight to theirs. They may look like they have an endless supply of support, but every person has their limits.

Also, I sometimes think that they did not know fully what they signed up for. I may be too much for them to handle. What they thought of as simple remedies and solutions turned out to be more problematic and complex. I feel guilty because I keep calling them and my cousins and friends to apologize for my rude behavior during my first visit to Australia, but here I am, still being toxic but in another way.

I don’t want them to feel stressed and anxiously waiting if I will call them just because I FEEL panicky. I am like a baby, a duckling that is willingly not breaking away from his shell.

This feels like my decision ko to limit my interactions with an old friend. I'll call him "Ace". Ace and I might be dragging each other down mentally, instead of hyping each other up to become the best versions of ourselves. It got to the point where I felt physically and emotionally drained after hanging out with him. Plus, I couldn't handle his toxicity. We have different demons in our heads, but he seems to resign himself to a life of inactivity and inaction. I don't want to be like him. I want to break free from that. And so I cut off contact with him for now. And I hope he heals soon.

I’m just afraid that my aunties will do the same thing to me. I'm worried that they will lose their patience with me and see me as a toxic presence that they need to wash their hands off.

They have a happy life there, and they have their own issues. They have their own medical conditions. While others would rather suffer in silence, nobly, there’s me, polluting their clean pool. They have a good life there. I don’t want to cause them unneeded stress and anxiety anymore.

If ever I do call, maybe one to three times a week, I want to consciously twist every negative news I have with myself into something positive.

Words: Ejay Diwas Art: taken on Pinterest https://www.pinterest.ph/pin/42291683993607358/

[empress-hancock]

Kuina deserved the world and Koshiro should eat shit. And Zoro too, frankly. How the entire fuck do you experience your friend killing herself due to being told that she is weaker for being a woman, and then go and treat women that way. You know the impact it has, and you knew back then that it was bullshit that women are weaker because she kicked your stupid little ass every single fight you had. I think that, had it been the author’s intention (I know it wasn’t), it could have been a great way to showcase how men, even if they know women terribly affected by misogyny, do not come to care about women.

Zoro just pisses me off though. The guy who is way too obsessed with women has more respect for their capabilities than you do asshole!! I loathe the idea that Zoro hates him because he treats women differently, because so does Zoro. He steps in to take over their fights when it was totally unnecessary, meanwhile the other guy fully trusts the women in the group to save him when he needs it. This has happened with both of them. And he regularly praises the women for being strong and clever and cool in a fight. Sure he has stepped in to save their lives but he does that with everyone on the crew, not just the women, because he doesn’t want his friends being hurt and I think he also has little regard for his own life. He clearly would rather take on burdens himself than let others experience them. And sure he refuses to hit women but not because he thinks women are weaker, it’s because the man who adopted him told him he would castrate him if he ever did. And if he refuses to let someone else kill his physically and emotionally abusive family who locked him in a dungeon as a child and hunted him down 13 years later to throw him in a sketchy arranged marriage because he’s worried it would disappoint the other guy, I don’t think he’s going to disobey him on other things.

[atomatowriter]

Highlights from Prismatic Dawn battle (the Remire Village battle for those who know FE3H):

Celin got dropped to 9 HP because she was in the center of a big AOE spell (not fireball but idk what it was) an took a shit ton of fire damage, ran over to heal Dimitri and Dedue who also took a shit ton of fire damage, and she then took more damage at the end of her turn bc she wouldn't leave the big fire without them. Also at one point there was some action confusion and Dimitri got to run out of the big fire but Dedue didn't leave until Celin was out. They truly are both like that. 😭

I learned that Celin's horse has a higher wisdom score than she does.

We were so spread out across the battlefield that we all had pieces of what was going on and nobody had all of it. Celin did not actually do a lot of fighting, she mostly got some kids to safety, pulled some knights out of fires (we joked about modern AU firefighter Celin and I want this), and, as I put it "ran back and forth like a frantic collie just going 'EVERYBODY STAY IN ONE PLACE.'" Consequently, she has no idea that a) the Flame Emperor was there, b) Sven's dad (the main Slither guy in our game bc Cressida replaced Thales and Solon, etc. with other characters) was there fucking shit up again, c) the unconscious girl she healed and ran out of the battlefield was an Agarthan but also sort of Sven's half-sister? and d) the kids she got out of the fire at the start of the battle were Kyrie's resurrected siblings????????

Cressida on some of those points: "But does she have kind of an idea?" Me: "She has a wisdom of 9 so no."

At one point Dimitri went into a rage and ran off the map to go fight the Death Knight and half of us were like BITCH and followed him but my brain leapt from that to remembering how, historically in the Fire Emblem: Three Houses video game when Dimitri goes off map to charge after an enemy, it does not go well for him to realizing, "Yeah if Dimitri dies, Celin is gonna straight up tell Dedue about our Crest of Flames shit and also our access to resurrection rituals. I know we promised to keep it a secret but if he dies she's IMMEDIATELY gonna tell Dedue that she has a way to bring him back to life because she doesn't trust what he'll do if he thinks Dimitri is permadead." (We have, in the past, resurrected Mercedes.)

After the fight was over, Dimitri was super pissed, as...you know, is canon. Celin saw how there were so many more bodies of villagers than there were the people who actually caused this and in the mindlink to Sylvain was like "Yeah I get the anger though." Also on that point, she said "FUCK" or "GODDESS DAMNIT" in the mindlink in a panic like three times during the battle so I think she's fully embraced that she is now a person who swears. This is her life now. She lost her religion, she and her friends are in dangerous and emotionally wrought situations every five minutes, someone experimented on a bunch of innocent villagers, and she is a person who says fuck now.

Kyrie and Solstice had a talk with the Flame Emperor that was very tense where FE was basically like "Join me." And Kyrie and Solstice were like "Give us more information please." And FE was like "No information, only join me." However, they did say the whole "the world will be purged in flames and made anew."

I realized that while I would love to have a Golden Route, I don't know if CELIN is gonna be capable of it. Because she's very "reform not abolish" - and also feels like Slither is at the root of most of the bad shit, so while the Church has some things to answer for it's not...the big bad here??? - and she would respond to "the world will be purged in flames" with like " respectfully no?????????? we live in the world???????? a lot of people live in the world???????? people die when you purge them in flame." Also Edelgard's whole "Yeah I don't want children to suffer anymore...and so I'm going to start a war and kill thousands but after that when the world is exactly what I want it to me then they'll be fine" is not something I ever see her siding with. Our Black Eagles character, Sven, has like an A support with Edelgard and may have a shot at persuading her out of the war thing (but a long shot since Edelgard's main personality trait is being...unyielding), but has said that ultimately if he can't, he's already pledged himself to her and would side with her. So we might go into the post timeskip with some of the PCs, who all deeply love each other, on opposite sides of the war. 😬

[cofeekki]

parallels. parallels. parallels. gojo & geto; megumi & yuuji

well long post ahead cause I probably won’t be able to sleep unless I get this out of my brain... just lots of crying lol

As it is... Yuuji and Megumi’s relationship is quite obviously both a mirror and a contrast of Gojo and Geto’s relationship... that all things considered... didn’t work out.

I know their circumstances differed and it wouldn’t be right to compare the gravity and weight of the cases each of them faced but this is really just about how I observed Megumi & Yuuji’s dynamic to be “a one that reaches enough” compared to Gojo & Geto’s “if only’s”.

Megumi & Yuuji’s dynamic seems to take all that “one step” Gojo & Geto missed to take. It seems to successfully reach out in a way that Gojo and Geto didn’t.

Really... I’m just trying to make myself more upset by thinking how much more tragic can satosugu get lol but yeah... parallels

1. Something wrong?

Suguru u bangs! not a problem my ass ಥ_ಥ liars’ bangs are served as somen noodles. *gives u a hug*

Anyway... my heart clenched in that Yuuji panel where he said “Ah? No way, nothing” ಥ_ಥ grateful for Megumi’s prodding stare

2. ಥ_ಥ When the “moral compass” half of the duo breaks down...

Ah but it’s something when you think about how Geto watched Amanai get shot in the head in front of him and Yuuji had to watch Junpei get disfigured by Mahito also in front of him. Both of which was just right after a convo that would motivate Amanai and Junpei to continue on with their lives. Amanai refusing to merge with Master Tengen and Yuuji offering Junpei to attend Jujutsu High...

3. The “trying to bring back your friend” or “trying to make them stay” scenes.

Well... at least Megumi was able to convince Yuuji to stay. But of course Yuuji never wanted to kill all those people and Geto mass murdered of his own volition.

4. It’s “OUR” fault.

How to make them stay: Tell them you’re accomplices. Which, by all means, is fucking accurate.

Gojo and Geto, did you two forget “both” of you were assigned to the mission “together” 😭 You have each other so why 😭 did you two shoulder things alone? Now, I will forever think about what could’ve happened if you two just.. just said “it’s our fault” too. 😭😭

5. Justice and the world of Jujutsu Sorcery

6. Ah. The one that got away and the one who stayed.

Have you ever thought about how Megumi’s first words to Yuuji after meeting him again after the Shibuya Incident was “What’re you doing? Let’s head back to Jujutsu High”? and proceeds to ramble about how he’s gonna sneak in despite Yuuji being a target for execution and every risk there is. And eventually he was able to convince him fully? By asking Yuuji to save him?

But in Gojo and Geto’s KFC scene in ch. 78, Gojo wasn’t able to utter a phrase that asked Geto to stay or at least implied it. Sure there was that bit about reminding Geto about his past principles about the strong protecting the weak but there were never explicit persuading words that asked the other to stay or at least stop and rethink his plans. Not that he could though, with Geto and his fully made up mind. It’s just sad in how I wish they could have “saved” each other too.

Yeah, I get it... Neither of them were emotionally stable and capable enough that time. It’s just a “what if”. If Gojo asked him to stay or if Geto asked him to come with him (to the horror of the jujutsu society if they became a tag team of villains).

Well... That’s all folks..... ಥ_ಥ

Also.. It’s cute that Geto and Megumi’s cursed techniques involve manipulating curses and shikigamis and Gojo and Yuuji are raw power stuff and they’re the two ‘strongest’ of each side of the coin and by that I mean Sukuna the King of Curses but details details...

BONUS!

Gege and his way of bringing your dead friend back to life and back to your life.

[5sospenguinqueen]

PULL ME BACK FROM THE DARKNESS ~ CATO HADLEY

PLOT: You and Cato fill in the missing pieces of each other. 

Warning: smut, m/f, hints at PTSD and depression, slight breeding kink if you squint, slight size kink.

I am not responsible for what media you choose to consume. If you cannot handle the contents of this or are too young, please do not read. It is your responsibility, not mine. 

________________________________________________________________

Wet strands of hair dripped down your back as your fingers nimbly worked at braiding them away from your face. Not yet fully dressed, you leant across the sink to gaze into the small mirror to see whether the top of the braid was flat. A click resonated throughout the room and you couldn't help the smile that sidled its way onto your face as the thudding of heavy footsteps filled your ears. The hulking figure of the man who had been your rock filled the doorway and you connected eyes with him through the mirror. Rough fingers replaced your hands as he smoothed out the tangles in your hair and expertly twisted the strands together. Once he was done, you couldn't help but admit that he had done a better job than you would have done yourself. Reminding you that he had younger sisters who he'd been forced to practice on, he pressed a kiss to the side of your head before stripping for his own shower.

Sinking your teeth into her lip, you heard him exclaim in shock when the water came out cold instead of the usual lukewarm. Guilt made its appearance once more when you realised you had used up the hot water for the day. Plopping down onto the mattress, you closed in on herself as the memories that had plagued you all day took their toll on you. For so long you had been fighting – fighting for survival, fighting other children, fighting your own mind. Whilst your hands were no longer covered in blood, they would never be cleansed of the innocent lives you had taken.

Pulled from your thoughts as a bare chest entered your view, you bit her lip at the towel slung around his hips. How it didn't drop any lower was beyond you but you found herself almost willing it to slide down. Leaning into his touch as he placed his hand on the side of your face, you looked up at him through your lashes.

"Rough day, baby?"

You remained silent, relishing in his strength for a moment or two. All you wanted was to lie down and wait for the fight to pass. To wait for the moment when her mind would fall blank and the memories would cease to exist. Eyes connecting with Cato's, you realised you had disappeared inside your own head once again. Concern was written across his face until you reassured him that you were present in the room and not back in the arena. Both of you had spent too long plagued by the chaos that had followed you out of the arena. Thankfully, one of you was always there to be the tether to reality. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop Cato from looking at her as if she was one crack away from irreparable. 

"Stop," she demanded. "I'm not weak enough to crumble from one bad day. I’ll get through it, just like I get through the rest.”

"Sweetheart, I never meant-."

"No, I know exactly what you meant. The next Games are fast approaching and my nightmares are coming on faster and darker but so are yours. Snow didn't break me. I'm not some fragile little doll that needs to be hidden away whilst the pieces are glued back together again. I am perfectly mentally capable of mentoring the next lot of tributes without having a breakdown.” 

"Indie, this isn't about me thinking you're not strong enough, this is about me not being strong enough! How can I look at these small children and send them to their death. I've already had to deal with losing them before."

Falling to his knees, Cato buried his head in your lap and allowed the tears to fall. Whispering soothing words, you ran your fingers through his blond strands. Teardrops slid down your own cheeks as you watched the strongest person in your life fall apart. Cato had been there for you since the moment you had been reunited after your were rescued from the arena after cutting down all those in your way. He had been there to catch you every time you stumbled. Watching him feeling so hopeless shook you and although you felt like curling up next to him and giving in, you knew it was your time to be there for him.

"Listen to me, we've made it through death and we've made it through separation. Baby, I am just as scared as you but I know that we're going to get through this together. We haven't made it this far just to lose now. You and me, together, Cato. Forever."

"You don't deserve this." Cato sniffled, brushing away his own tears. "You've been through so much, lost so much, I'm supposed to be there for you."

"Cato, I'm your partner, it's my duty to be there for you. We fight together or we don't fight at all. Don't forget that we're from Career Districts. We're always strong and we never lose. We will not allow these next Games to strip away the strength that we have left."

"Well maybe, for one night, we reward ourselves with the luxury of being weak. Just tonight, let's forget about this stupid war and just wallow in our pity. Please?"

And maybe it was the broken look on his face, the sadness swirling in the sky blue eyes, or the fact that forgetting about the future Games was all you wanted to do, you granted him the only thing he had ever asked of you. Snuggling into his comforting (still bare) arms, you allowed yourself to cry about your own pain. The tears that fell weren't for the fallen and all they had left behind, they weren't for the deaths of the future children you were about to witness, these were purely for how mentally exhausted and rundown you felt. Soft lips kissed away your tears. One warm hand rested on the cool skin of your hip, having slithered its way under the thin shirt you slept in.

With a small inhale, you pressed your lips to his whilst your hands snaked their way into his hair. Salt mixed with the taste of his tongue but you wrapped your legs around his waist and pulled him closer. A rumble echoed in his chest as his length pressed against you and he straightened, yanking you up with him. Spinning you around, Cato backed you up until you hit the wall with a bump. As his lips trailed down to your neck, you rested your head against the wall, back arching when Cato sucked on the sweet spot just below your ear.

"I love you," his lips traced the words down to the valley between your breasts before he wrenched the top over your head and threw it behind him.

Left hand reaching up to palm at your breast, his mouth wrapped around the nipple on the other one, tongue flickering over the hardened bud. Your breath hitched and you used your foot to deftly push the towel down and finally reveal what had been hidden from you. Exclaiming in shock, you scowled when Cato chuckled against you. When you reached down to grasp him, he gently bit your nipple but the action forced your hips against his and with one roll, he brushed against your clothed clit.

"Off," you begged, lifting your hips slightly away from the wall so that Cato could slide them down your shaky legs.

Fingers dancing along your legs, he reached down to cup your heat and one finger slid between your wet walls.

"I will never get sick of this," he groaned, watching as you bit your lip in pleasure.

Thumb rubbing your clit, he added another finger, watching as they plunged in and out of your slick heat. His name tumbled off your lips as your pleasure increased and Cato knew that that would be his favourite sound. If there was one sound that could banish the nightmares and dispel the darkness, it would be you crying his name as you tumbled over the edge, coating his fingers. Panting slightly, you pushed him away, revelling in the confused look on his face.

As you sunk to her knees, lust clouded his blue eyes until they were as dark as the sea in District Four on a stormy day. Hand wrapping around the base, you smirked as he hissed when your tongue licked a stripe from balls to tip. Mouth wrapping around his tip, you moved down ever so slightly before pulling back up. Hollowing your cheeks out, you sucked gently on his tip and was rewarded with a throaty groan as Cato bucked his hips, pushing his cock deeper into your mouth.

"So good to me, baby." Cato cursed, hand resting on your head as he pushed you down a little more.

Humming around him, you gagged when he jerked slightly and his dick hit the back of your throat. One hand gently fondled his balls and Cato swore before pulling himself away from you.

"As much as I love your mouth wrapped around me, I'd rather put my cock somewhere else."

Shivers skittered down your spine as his husky words were whispered in your ear and you found yourself being pulled of your knees before you were shoved against the wall face first. Large hands gripped your hips hard enough to bruise and you smiled knowing Cato remembered just how you liked it.

"Always so tight for me," he grunted as he slid into you.

Cheek pressed against the cold concrete wall, you whimpered as your walls adjusted to the girth of him. Teasingly, he slowly entered inch by inch until his impatient girl backed up and enveloped the entirety of him in one quick movement. One hand braced on the wall, small grunts escaped his mouth as h thrust gently into you. Lips pressing a gentle kiss to the scarred back of his hand, you rested your head against his hand in a loving gesture. A primal instinct ignited in Cato at the sight of his partner so small and vulnerable, as you let down your guard and opened yourself up to him both emotionally and physically. The woman beneath him was always so strong and fierce that he couldn't help the dark chuckle that escaped as his body encompassed yours entirely as he pressed you further into the wall.

"Such a good girl. Take me so well," he praised, enjoying the little pants that left your mouth and with a shift of his hips, he coaxed a scream from you.

Unable to help the moans that tumbled from your mouth, you reached down to grab the hand that gripped your hip and pulled you against his cock. Love swelled within him as you held on tightly to him, begging him to go faster as you pleaded for her impending orgasm.

"I love you," you cried as stars exploded across your vision and your walls clenched him tightly.

At the feel of your orgasm, Cato burrowed himself in deeper and pounded harder into your sensitive walls.

"So close, Princess." Cato gasped, his breath hitting the back of your neck as he leaned down to rest his chin on your shoulder. Pressing a kiss to the side of your neck, his movements quickened as he sought release.

"Cum in me," you begged.

Not one to deny the woman he loved, Cato called your name as he stuffed himself inside you, hot cum painting your walls. Sensitive to his touch, you leaned back into his chest as his arms came around your waist and pulled you in for a loving embrace. One hand wrested flat on your belly as he whispered promises of having their own family but in a world where the Hunger Games didn’t exist. Naked and wrapped around one another, you could pretend for just a moment that you were a normal couple whose only issues were what to eat for dinner and how many children you wanted. Whimpering as Cato pulled out of you, you watched him wander into the bathroom in search of a washcloth.

Hand resting on your own abdomen, you wondered whether you would have end up with child. And, for the first time in your life, you found herself hoping you would. Struck by the aching pang within you, you realised that the life you had built with Cato had made you realise just how badly you craved a perfect family with the man you loved. In a world where they grew up safe and never needing to learn the ways to kill another person. 

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Loosely based on a scene from my Cato x OC story but details have been adapted to avoid spoilers. You can find the book Pugnator at;

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[zeravmeta]

i really really want kiara and qin shi huang to have a single conversation. Both of them are so out of this world egotistical to the point where they stand alongside the common people because they don't need to prove it, they're intelligent control freaks of the highest degree and see themselves as the only true human among everyone else. The fundamental difference between the two of them is that when faced with humanity's failings, kiara ultimately saw no worth in it while qsh saw everything worth protecting.

kiara's belief that she is the only human stems from how revolting she finds other humans, to the point where they aren't human to her, merely human shaped insects. she committed epic apotheosis as a way to rise above those that put her on that pedestal and look down on them. kiara may be a fully grown woman but emotionally she is a child stomping on bugs that bit her because she finds it gratifying. her understanding of love and desire are so base because they are immature, born from a love of fairy tales and embellished with fantasy, and hans is the only person who can make her break her facade because he as someone who spent his whole life being in love With Love can see right through her.

QSH did everything they could to preserve and protect their subjects. They searched for immortality not because they personally desired to keep living but because they couldn't let go of the worry of humanity being fine without them. They conquered every other nation and took away the concepts of ideals and differing viewpoints because that is when conflict is born, and QSH doesn't like needless conflict. their mission to become immortal was to watch over humanity and protect them from themselves, make sure they didn't obliterate themselves with the advancements they know humanity is capable of. they are the most extreme example of a helicopter parent, turning themselves into an immortal planet vampire in order to make sure their subjects don't hurt eachother.

kiara's distate for humanity and recognition of herself as the only human is born from misanthropy and self-loathing. QSH's own recognition of themselves as the only human stems from how they see themself as the empire. they turned themself into the planet, manage the people and their lives, all of this is their will and thus it is a part of them, therefore they are the only true human.

anyways i wanna see them talk about like bitcoin or something

[vibesaresimplyatrocious]

Dude your tags on that writing post are making me go wild because oh my gosh your fic does read like someone committing to the bit!! Like in the nicest possible way it does read like improv every plot point feels like a “yes and” moment and it’s AMAZING (also it’s great to know that the character assassination of Johnny Storm was not premeditated lmao)

oh yeah pretty much everything in it is just a "yes and" moment where I did something earlier and I decide to play off of it more. Like, especially in chewing coffee.

i decided to commit to chewing coffee because I had like. one specific scene with the avengers i wanted to write, and i needed a way to fucking get there. So i decided I'd just start with dealing with the narrative consequences of the last fic and I would get to the avengers when I figured out how to get peter's character emotionally to the place he needed to be for that bit. it's been three hundred pages, by the way. and we still have some decent ground to cover.

I like talking about writing and stories, so there's a huge fuckign data dump below the cut about how the improv developed and the johnny storm thing. don't feel obligated to read it, it's a lot.

One of my big pet peeves in stuff that has romance, especially when there's a "woman" character (since the omegaverse basically just always has a guy taking the "female" role in the relationship) is when that character's like. entire life becomes their love interest. Like nah. They have to have other shit going on. you gotta let them do their own things. having feelings for this person doesn't mean you don't have other shit in your life.

My other big pet peeve is when people do things for drama and then don't follow through with the logical consequences of that.

Which is one of the reasons why Matt's the love interest and has hardly been in the fic. peter's got his own shit going on. The biggest consequence of hand-spun silk wasn't them getting feelings for each other--that's manageable, even if they're going to be huge fucking dumbasses about it. It was the bridge. at the time, I decided i needed a big climax action scene thing to sort of make a transition moment in the narrative that would push matt and peter to commit fully to what they were doing. but the logical consequence of that is "wow the public got a HUGE FUCKING CLUE as to who this mystery omega is."

of course, i was never going to write chewing coffee, so i thought i was never going to deal with it. then, i wrote chewing coffee. so i had to deal with it.

so Peter's got bigger shit going on, and he's got a very full life outside of matt. Matt stilll adds to his life! even if they both have a huge amount of trouble realizing it, they both really love being with each other. They're both some of the most important people in each other's lives. But they still get to lead their own lives, which i find much healthier and does way better justice to Peter's character. Like, he is his own main character, and so is matt. Both of them are superheroes in their own right, and while they are huge allies, neither of them is less capable or some kind of damsel. neither of them is teh traditional hollywood love interest screaming for the hero to save them. So peter does not need his narrative chained to getting a boyfriend. he can get a boyfriend and stop a bomber.

and like. i want to be clear, i'm not shitting on romance as a genre. finding love can be the number one driving factor! that's okay! great even! especially if you don't want to have to devote a bunch of narrative space to a bunch of subplots. the pet peeve specifically arises when people set up a bunch of other stuff to make it more exciting, like some kind of villain or enemy, and either make it secondary to the love plot when the fucking murder attempt is objectively way more pressing, or when they make it into an excuse to damsel the "female" character for the love interest. Like, i'm sorry, peter can lift multiple fucking tons and you think the physically normal man is the one who does the rescuing? Peter is not a damsel. he has never been a damsel. like he looks like a twink but he is one of the most powerful heroes in comics and way too many people decide to damsel him just so whoever's playing his love interest can be a hero. In general, i don't like the entire trope of "love interest as damsel." Like. take MJ for example. She's been dangled off so many fucking bridges. but she's been in peter's life for forever. she's tough as nails and deserves having her own narrative and character independence outside of being someone you can dangle off a bridge.

I dunno, it's a balance that has to be struck for me, i'm not saying it's bad if love interests help each other. Like, Matt does help peter! Peter needed help that Matt specialized in (law), and Matt was able to help him! there's nothing wrong with needing help and matt and peter can and do pull each other's asses out of fires. but peter still gets to be strong and independent and capable and matt doesn't need to hold his hand through every fucking plot point, jesus christ. I think some of the best romances are ones where people are just looking at their partner being extremely badass and applauding. it just icks me out when one person is made less capable just so the other person can be a big fucking hero. so that's the number one thing i had in mind while improv'ing matt and peter's relationship.

I do plan on making matt more present in the plot, for the record! once i started getting a sense for what i was doing, i started realizing some things i wanted to have in there needed build up or they'd be coming out of left field, so we have a lot of narrative threads just set up that i'll be tying together soon.

The other reason why Matt hasn't been as present and will start being more present is because my biggest rule of writing is that I can never sacrifice character for plot. i've trashed and redone entire projects before because i decided that i hadn't brought the characters to the right point to make the decisions they were making for the sake of plot, so the plot had to go in order to make the characters right. it's more of a general vibe? the biggest guiding factor during all of this is whether I've gotten them to a point where I can understand why they're able to make the decisions they're making.

And there was no fucking way that Peter would ever get with Matt after hand-spun silk.

Part of this is because I very firmly believe that just sex cannot be a basis for a relationship, especially in the context of ABO. Like, if it's just that they spent a rut together? Nah. Losing control of your body and having hormone-fueled sex is not grounds for a relationship. if anything, it's the grounds for intensive therapy, not a relationship. Like, what do you like about their personality? how do you feel about their communication style? what if you hate the way they chew? Peter's never going to look at someone he just had a bunch of sex with and think "wow, we should be in love." Sex is great, fantastic, having good physical chemistry can be really valuable, but it's not the sole basis of love. He spent his entire life being objectified, and he's also someone who's in a very healthy long-term relationship where they had to work fucking hard to stay with each other.

MJ and Peter's love story was something that sort of strung itself together in the background and it became something I really, truly loved. Like, originally, I was trying to figure out how to just make Peter mentally good with offering to do this for a bro, and I decided he couldn't be in a relationship. He'd have to necessarily talk it through with someone else to clear it, and matt would have called the entire thing off the second it started causing more inconvenience than was already obvious, so that would derail it entirely. But I didn't want to do that thing where the preexisting female love interest is a huge bitch or inexplicably missing or whatever just to make way for a ship, so i decided that she was still a huge part of his life and decided to add in a gag where they called it on and off again like they were playing a game of hot potato. Inadvertently, that gave them an epic fucking love story of people who had to wake up every single day and make the conscious choice to love each other.

it's hard to show, because it's all stuff that happened in the past, but it's inherent in their everything. it's one of the reasons why they have such good communication--it was figure it out or destroy each other, and they figured it out. Inherently, Peter and MJ are extremely traumatized people subjected to structural violence and generational abuse. they spend every single day of their lives under extreme stress, from poverty and violence and inequality and fighting crime. their early relationship would have been a mess. they had to create ways to keep themselves from destroying each other. they had to spend a fucking decade meticulously laying boundaries and figuring out how the other worked best, and working fucking hard to respect and fulfill each other.

Like, most of it ended up written in their mannerisms. Like the scene where MJ's going off to get peter's camera--i fucking adored that scene, because Peter's arguing with her about how dangerous it is for her to go and how he doesn't want her to go while tying her shoes for her so she can go. That was extremely important for me because I felt it was the key to why their relationship ultimately worked. Because MJ would bitch slap anyone who tried to throw their weight around with her. She would never be with Peter if he was the kind of person who would think he could make that decision for her. Peter still gets a voice, he still gets to raise concerns, but he recognizes that it's her decision and he will enable her to make it. It's a huge act of respect and one of the fundamental building blocks of the way I made MJ's relationship with Peter was that they mutually respected each other.

The other thing I wanted was to make them deeply messy fucking people. That's why MJ's so crude in this--it's a choice, and a big source of trauma. She grew up in hyper traditionalism. I grew up in hypertraditionalism, and you aren't supposed to know what a dick joke is. You aren't supposed to swear. you're supposed to be perfect and ladylike and daren't say a word if the men say something unseemly and you shan't repeat such dastardly things.

Anyway, I have a mouth like a sailor and wrote a porn fic to see if i could. purity culture doesn't work.

So MJ grew up where she was just boxed in to only appear as perfect and ladylike as possible, so she went the opposite direction and became as crude as possible. she likes pushing people's buttons. she will make comments about your ass. And that's deeply inappropriate behavior at times. With peter and ned? They're used to it. They've consented to it. It's part of why they love her, actually. But slapping matt's ass? he didn't give her the green light to touch him like that, and she definitely wouldn't have done it if she hadn't been drunk. In the end, he didn't care, so no ultimately harm done, but there could have been harm done and she doesn't exactly get credit for lucking out. it doesn't mean that she's a bad person, it's just that she's not a perfect person and she does dumb fucking shit at times--which, everyone does. She's extremely messy, oversteps boundaries, and it's a direct product of trauma. Peter ain't exactly perfect either. he's borderline suicidially reckless and has trouble ever letting people into his decision-making process. He'll risk himself eleven days out of ten before giving an inch, which was one of the reasons he's nearly fucking killed himself with his heats.

So it ended with these extremely messy, imperfect people who had to try again and again to keep loving each other. So many romances, especially in the superhero genre, stem from some kind of inexplicable chemistry instead of conscious choice. MJ and Peter could have burnt out and stopped loving each other. They worked hard not to. That's important.

So Peter became this character that had an extremely hard won love that would have been invalidated every single day by people who thought biological chemistry was superior to a decade of fighting to be together. like, the omegaverse? It's fucking weird about biological predeterminism in general. one of the premises that i set for myself when i decided to do this was that i had to keep everything from the omegaverse but if it was something that was fucking stupid, i would make it a part of the stupid things that people believe or just a part of the absolute most extreme moments like heats and ruts.

like, for example, guys in my family would always say "men drink because they like it, women drink because they don't like something else." that's the stupidest fucking thing i've ever heard. do they think gender affects your fucking taste buds? also, have they ever thought for even half a second about the sheer number of men who are alcoholics and drink specifically as a coping mechanism? Women have better tasting drinks than men because someone randomly decided that beer was for men and fruity cocktails were for women, despite the fact that cocktails taste better and have stronger booze. it's the stupidest goddamn thing i've ever heard. but the world is full of dumb shit about biological predeterminism just like your fucking drink preference. So everything i hated in the ABO world just became that kind of thing.

So that thing in the ABO world? The thing where people just smell good and that means you're fated because you both smell really good to each other and, you know, you can base an entire relationship off smell? or the thing where you find someone of the opposite secondary gender and immediately they're the perfect alpha/omega for you and you're ready to do everything with them immediately upon meeting? That's present in this world. It's a dumb thing people tell Peter when trying to convince him and MJ that they'll never be happy with each other, and that some dumb fucking frat bro alpha can do more for them with goddamn body odor than a decade of dedicated love.

So Peter was never going to be able to get with Matt after hand-spun silk. Absolutely not. He's way too traumatized for that. If anyone suddenly developed feelings for him after years of platonic friendship when the most notable thing that changed was that they fucked due to a biological demand? He would never, in a million years, believe that they could have fallen for him because of his personality. He'd think it was just them deciding he made a good omega for them in bed and he'd leave deeply fucking hurt. Even if he realized he developed feelings for matt in the aftermath, he'd never trust any feelings matt developed to be real. Peter was in his right mind. matt wasn't. It would eternally fall into the same trap of "I was just play acting at being his obedient omega and that's what he was into."

Like, Matt too, for the record, just for different reasons. matt would have never gotten with Peter after hand-spun silk becuase he has a guilt complex the size of jupiter and he'd never in a million years make a move on peter after the guy just nuked his own life to save matt from dumbassery his twenty-something self willingly committed. No. He's going to crush everything down deep inside and then one day he'll die. And, honestly, I do think that would have been the right decision had Peter not liked him back.

One of the core distinctions i made between Peter and Matt's character is that Peter is really good at dealing with his emotions in a healthy way but is absolute shit at recognizing them. Matt's dumb as a fucking post about dealing with his emotions but tormented by his own awareness of them. So Peter's big problem is that he will be fully into someone and shuffle that away as something that's obviously not his own emotions, pshhhh. Matt, meanwhile, woke up after his rut, realized he had developed feelings fucking immediately, and then had a panic attack in the bathroom.

I'd like to go on record that neither of them developed feelings for each other because they fucked. it's because they, necessarily, had to be more intimate with each other than they would have ever been with like, their regular bro, and it made them realize that this person who'd they'd already die for is someone they'd really like to live for too. They had to go to bat for each other. Peter destroyed his own life to help matt. More than once, Matt fought through his hormones to try and give Peter an out because he'd rather he be hurt than Peter be hurt.

And, it's also the little shit. They talked a lot about things that they never would have talked about otherwise and realized how deeply they related to each other. they did a lot of little acts of intimacy, like when peter would scratch the base of Matt's neck because he liked it or when Matt would deny his impulses to help peter through anything. Neither of them really had to do that for the rut. They did it purely just as acts of caring, and those were the bits of each other that they got feelings for.

And those nice feelings would almost absolutely be crushed down forever in the aftermath of a rut. you'd have to drag them kicking and screaming to emotional realization. there's a lot of fucking work to put in before they can get past their own issues and realize that it's okay to give each other a shot.

I have a LOT of thoughts about the Johnny Storm debacle. It's going below, so if you're interested, read on. Some of it is what's outside of Peter's perspective and therefore not featured in hand-spun silk or chewing coffee. I doubt it will be able to make it into the fic, just because there's a lot that gets missed when you limit it to one character's perspective. There's still a chance it may come up, so there's a risk of spoilers.

The Johnny Storm thing is something that i think is a lot more nuanced than i was able to show. Part of it is that i made it up totally on the fly so it was very sloppy execution. Like, if you go back and read the Johnny parts of hand-spun silk? i shift the goal posts a LOT because i was still developing Peter's own character and figuring out how he would respond to all this. The other part of it is because this is totally from Peter's perspective, and so we have kind of a coke-bottle lens view of it.

See, the thing about the Johnny Storm thing is that i think it could have been a relatively minor speed bump in their relationship, and then circumstances, a few very poor choices, and plain bad luck blew it up into something major. I also think that Johnny Storm and Peter Parker would be great together, but that they could never work in an omegaverse specifically.

in the comics, i think they're fucking great together and make a fantastic ship. In the ABO world specifically, i think that Johnny would be ass over tea kettle in love with Peter, and Johnny would at best be a ship in the night for Peter.

Because the thing is, from Johnny's perspective, he was legitimately in love with Peter and did not ever want to hurt him.

I want to be clear, I'm not excusing the dumb shit he did. I have explanations for it, they're discussed below, but they're not excuses. He has to bear the blame all the same, but I think that it adds a little more nuance and makes it a little more tragic.

He was legitimately in love with Peter and it wasn't because of the rut in the same way Matt didn't get feelings for Peter because of the rut. Like, nothing about why Johnny fell for him had to do with the bits where Peter had to put on a show of being the perfect omega for him. Johnny actually really, truly loved him way better when he wasn't play-acting at being the perfect omega for him--which is why, at one point, Peter mentions that Johnny always made dumb fucking jokes during the rut and it would always snap him out of pretend and he'd instantly threaten to kick johnny's ass. Johnny really liked Peter's like, actual personality. He figured out early in their friendship that dumb fucking jokes always got a rise out of Peter, so he memorized them ahead of time and brought them up whenever he had enough sense to so he could get back to how Peter is normally, because that's the Peter he loved.

(which was another distinction I tried to draw between Matt and Johnny, incidentally. I decided to give Matt an identical moment in the rut where he was aware enough to realize that Peter was playing things up to cater to his hormones and try to get back to Peter's actual personality, which is the one that he actually had feelings for. However, Matt said directly to him that he was aware that he was putting on a show and let Peter consciously drop out of the headspace he had put himself into in favor of his genuine personality, whereas Johnny sort of tried to draw him out. Neither had any ill intentions behind it, but Matt's more consciously communicated with Peter.)

The thing about Peter is that he is the first partner Johnny ever had that treated him with the love and respect you'd give an actual partner, and they weren't even actually dating.

This entire thing has been a big mash up of the comics and the movies and the only rule is that I steal whatever i find funny. Like, Peter? I know most people think he's tom holland peter because of MJ and Ned, but his basis is actually comics Peter for me. Ned and MJ (and the Toomes plane crash) were the funniest fucking things from Homecoming for me, so I kept it. He has the key to the city like Tobey!Peter (because how the fuck do you explain having that, that's the most useless piece of decor over a guest can never see it) and a lot of the lines and personality i get from Andrew!Peter and most of the backstory and attitude is comics peter. Like, imagine whatever fucking Peter you want, I don't give a shit, I want everyone to have their own experiences with this fic, but all of the characters are really just a frankenstein, and Johnny is no exception.

Like the comics, he became a superhero when he was still a teenager, is the thing. He's been in the spotlight forever. Celebrity culture is fucking toxic as hell and he sort of was drowned in it young. Like, the thing in the movies, where he's dating an eternally changing supermodel who goes on live TV and announces that the most important thing about dating the human torch is fireproof lingerie? weird straight people celebrity bullshit. why would you ever fucking say that outloud to millions of people jesus christ. and it's all this johnny has ever really known, relationship-wise.

Like, it's give and take. He's not exactly a passive participant or victim or whatever. He likes having sex and has a lot of it (and there's nothing wrong with that). He fully wanted Peter Parker to be a notch on his belt and nothing more when they first met, and his expectation was that Peter Parker would be another person who wanted to happily fuck a celebrity--and then would probably post on Twitter a full review of how he was in bed, without ever asking Johnny and with Johnny never consenting to it.

So Johnny made the stupid fucking decision to roll up to Peter in a sports car to ask him if he could take Peter for a ride, and Peter immediately fucking laughed in his face, asked him if he thought dick size correlated with how stupid your car was, then proceeded to call MJ in front of him and heckle about it for seven minutes straight before walking off to catch the subway. this peter believes in eating the rich and was deeply unimpressed.

Like. johnny benefits from his public image, dont get me wrong. He gets a lot of hook ups because of his image and certainly isn't upset by this fact. But the standard that was set when he was very young and dating for the first time and getting his heart broken for the first time was that his body was public narrative and he was being used for his name and the publicity attached to it. he got fucked up by it. It was a long string of toxic relationships that usually ended up on the front page of a lot of tabloids--and that's how it always was and that's all he ever expected. his nudes get leaked without his consent and everyone acts like it's a completely okay thing on the person's part, and he should have known better and is at fault. his exes sell interviews. he gets photographed on his walk of shame and the person he hooked up with goes on ellen to reveal that he does perform oral. and i'm not going to say he was comfortable with any of that, he wasn't, he hated it, but he wasn't looking to change the status quo--partially because he didn't fully believe that the status quo would change, partially because he was having fun with hookups and wasn't looking to settle down (which, again--as long as both people go in knowing that's all it is, is not a bad thing). He'd always be johnny storm. There'd always be a price tag attached to intimate parts of his life, and a lot of fucking people would be more than happy to cash in.

Peter would rather rip out his own appendix than be publicly known as the person who risked getting set on fire to climb on Johnny Storm's dick, however.

So, for the first time, Johnny found himself in a relationship where the person was genuinely only in it for him. Peter didn't want the novelty of fucking a celebrity. He didn't want to go on a talkshow or go viral because he leaked a picture of johnny's dick. He rather violently and aggressively cared about Johnny and Johnny alone, actually. It was sort of Johnny's first experience ever, after years of dating in the public eye, where he was in a relationship where no one was looking to exploit him. The other thing was that they did this for a long time. This was a month they spent together, most of which didn't involve Peter having to play pretend because that wasn't necessary until right before the rut.

And from Peter's perspective, they did the same shit they always did, just with sex, so there wasn't any change. From Johnny's perspective, he got to spend a month in constant contact with someone who genuinely cared about him, was hilarious and ridiculous and one of the best fucking people he had ever met. Like, he loved that Peter brewed coffee with red bull. He thought it was ludicrous. He was in love with how ridiculous Peter was. So he found himself wanting to keep with it afterwards. he wanted his relationship to be with someone who genuinely cared about him and treated him with respect the way no one else had.

The problem was they were never in a fucking relationship in the first place, which was a slight wrench in the works.

There are three reasons why it blew up as bad as it did/why they would never work, and that's 1) outside forces, 2) privilege, and 3) just plain dumb immature love.

Outside forces:

This is the absolute biggest thing that I think sank them, and it's kind of sad in the sense that it was legitimately outside of Johnny's control. The media is the biggest one. If they got together, eventually, the news would get out. It would be chaos. Like. Johnny's an A-Lister, and a fucking superhero A-Lister. In the public eye, Peter's a total nobody. It would be rabid. It'd be like if every wattpad fanfic about one direction falling in love with some random girl from fucking iowa or whatever the trope is came true.

I could write an essay on how biological predeterminism and natural law resulted in like 97% percent of modern issues and inequality, but this is already too long for anyone to read. but the omegaverse would undoubtedly be 1000x worse about it, holy fucking hell. which means the way we treat women in our world? even worse in the omegaverse.

The public narrative fully thinks that he's a slut who will fuck any cape that looks at him twice. He's been considered a slut since before he even agreed to fuck Johnny. It was a given, and Peter knew that going into it. Like, no one had any illusions that the human torch was going to find a nice omega for his rut and settle down in holy matrimony before they so much as graze each other's hands god bless amen praise the lord jesus christ. The expectation is that whoever would be sharing the rut would just be doing it casually. that's PEAK slut behavior. Peter's a public whore from the start, and while it always bothered him, he didn't care about that nearly as much when there wasn't any chance people could find him or his loved ones.

If he actually ended up with Johnny? Nightmare situation. Jesus Christ, he'd never know peace. People would hate him and be jealous of him and psychoanalyze everything he ever did. he's queer. He's in love with MJ, a fellow omega. he drinks red bull with coffee and is a fucking mess. he wants zero children. Johnny's an alpha, and a superhero to boot. People would eternally expect him to be the perfect omega and it would not fucking work out.

And that's something that can be overcome, don't get me wrong. The important people in the relationship are teh ones actually in it. But it's a huge stressor factor, and It's one I don't think they could have overcome for other reasons.

The other big outside stressor is the Fantastic Four.

Full cop, I don't like Reed Richards. I think he's a dick. He is the only one i directly was trying to character assassinate. for the record? they were fully in the wrong for everything they did. But I think most of the shit they pulled arose from assumptions that would have been extremely likely had it been anyone other than Peter.

because from their perspective, they're trying to protect Johnny from what's already been the biggest violation of his life.

his private health information got leaked by people they hired, and it became a talk show matter. johnny was visibly tormented by it. they felt like shit and knew it was only going to get worse. he was going to live with whoever did this talking about his dick for a solid year after. it was going to be brutal if he ended up hurting whoever he fucked. they were in damage control mode. legally, NDAs around sex cannot be enforced (a lot of celebrities try to have them--it's just a scare tactic. not a court in the US would ever enforce one. it's legitmately impossible to make them binding, but i won't get into why). so whatever happens, it's almost definitely going to make the news.

Then, in strolls baby brother, having announced that he found an omega all on his own.

and it's a fucking reporter from the superhero slander newspaper. They were fully convinced that not only was peter doing this for fame, but this was basically a work assignment for him.

All of Peter's butting heads with them was him setting very healthy and necessary boundaries. From their perspective, it looked like he was trying to increase his bottom line.

He was forgoing all health precautions--because he refused to fuck their brother in a monitored room on videotape with eight medical professionals watching at all times and the EMTs and the fucking fire department in the next room listening to him get it on. he's got superhealing and a precognition for danger that let's him know when johnny's getting too riled up and he needs to calm him down or dodge a dick fire. From his perspective, danger is minimal and he isn't making a fucking sex tape or putting on a week-long peepshow for a bunch of total strangers.

The F4 saw a totally normal unenhanced human willing to get third degree burns inside of him if it meant that he'd get a bigger payout when he appeared on oprah.

Same thing with pregnancy. Peter demand a certain level of dignity from the proceedings. He was going out of his way and fucking a friend, their baby brother, exclusively for said friend's benefit. He gets the fucking dignity of not being treated like a cheap whore who needs to be monitored to make sure he's not going to baby trap someone he'd never be able to get otherwise. He was not going to let the Four watch him take the contraceptives or the pregnancy tests of his own free will, because that's fucking humiliating.

For the F4? Great, not only is Peter going to leak this all afterwards and break Johnny's heart, he's definitely going to be an eternal source of emotional devastation because he's looking to get a fucking child out of this that Johnny will forever be tied to.

And the problem was that it was all based on the assumption that Peter was doing this out of self-interest. And they don't get a pass for treating someone fucking terrible just because they thought he was going to hurt their baby brother down the line. But without the context that Peter was spider-man and a good person, it was the plainest thing in the world that he'd be leaking all of this. So the F4 became a huge source of stress and bad feelings that constantly hung over anything Johnny and Peter could have had.

Privilege

This is another thing where Johnny wasn't consciously trying to do something bad, but it is something that sort of made everything worse. Johnny's rich. A celebrity. Male. An alpha. White. He's about as privileged as you can possibly get.

And I think that it's important to note that that's not a source of fault, but it is a thing that you have to be aware of. And I didn't think Johnny would be aware of his privilege throughout this and it would make everything worse, simply because his privilege never really came into play with Peter.

Peter could not care less about whether or not Johnny was rich, or white, or an alpha. In fact, that's more likely to be an active deterrent than anything else. So Johnny walked in with the mindset of "this is someone who just cares about me for me. he doesn't care that i'm famous or rich or whatever. we just care about each other's actual selves." And that's true!

Doesn't take into account every fucking other person on the planet, though.

A lot of Johnny's fuck ups were directly sourced in the fact that he didn't consider his privilege. He sort of took this on with the mindset of the media being a storm they'd have to eventually weather together, if they did end up together. And he's used to that. He's been eternally in the public eye for years. It's hell, but it's something you can get through together. but he didn't consider that that storm would be extremely different for someone who had money, resources, clout, who wasn't an alpha, and also who wasn't at times in a publicly queer and interracial relationship.

The media storm for Johnny is horrible and invasive. For Peter, it's "hey, haha, is Someone Going To Kill My Entire Family." Johnny didn't even think about showing up on Peter's doorstep with roses, because he's never even goddamn had to pay rent before. it didn't even occur to him that this may make people come to try and kill Peter and his family (Peter's fucking Spider-Man--he's the last person in the world to worry about handling some random fangirl) and it didn't occur to him that it may put Peter in the very difficult position of not being able to afford to move. Johnny's already been to Peter's apartment before. So he didn't even think about how showing up with roses would end with months of serious agonizing stress for Peter.

And it's not an excuse, but it is an explanation and it is something that he has to learn from. Like, there's a lot of fuck ups i've unthinkingly done because i didn't even know it would be a fuck up. i've been privileged in ways I wasn't aware of and ended up with egg on my face. In Johnny's case, that wasn't a minor fuck up you learn from and move on from, it spiraled into something bigger than it otherwise might have been.

Immature dumb love

The last factor in why this went the way it did was simply because this was very much this Johnny's first real time being in love and he was sort of fucking stupid about it.

Like, Peter's lightyears ahead of Johnny when it comes to "being in love" maturity because he has intensive experience. He and MJ had to fight for their fucking lives figuring out how to navigate a relationship. Johnny's never once been in a real one that didn't come with the expectation of "hey so we're gonna fuck around for a while and in the end you're inevitably going to leak my dick pics and tell everyone that i'm good with my tongue and get a spot on a night show from it, and I'm going to feel embarrassed every time i leave my home for a while." Johnny's like. Early twenties. People in their early twenties have a vast fucking range of things they're really mature in and things they're total fucking dumbasses in. i'm 23 and i've got things i'm lightyears ahead of my peers in and things i'm like a toddler in. He's young and fucking stupid about some things, and in this case? He fell in love for the first time and blue screened completely.

he got butterflies and set himself on fucking fire on live TV at the mention of his crush, inadvertently starting a media frenzy. You could see his crush from fucking space. he had no idea how to handle doing this like an adult, because every other relationship started with making a pass and immediately hooking up. He tried that with Peter and Peter asked him if he thought dick size correlated with how stupid his car was he has no backup plan. So he just started choking on his own dumb feelings.

For the record? His intent was never to make Peter feel like he was less capable. He knows Peter is capable. But he got within twenty fucking feet of peter and ended up choking on his own panic and emotions like a school kid with a crush. So he just ended up hanging around his crush and fumbling around him and checking in with him way too often and being extremely conscious of how sweaty his palms are or how many times he asked Peter how he was doing in the span of one conversation, fuck that was too many this got weird.

But we don't see Johnny's internal reasoning. We see his actions through Peter. Who has spent his entire life being pushed down and treated like he's some helpless damsel when he's the most competent person in any room he's in. So everything gets filtered through a narrator who's not entirely reliable, and intentions get read in that aren't exactly there.

Johnny's plan when confessing his feelings was to try and handle it like an adult. He dressed up and got roses, because that's what Sue told him you do when you're trying to make a big romantic gesture. He was going to confess his feelings as best he could and respect Peter's decision no matter what.

.... And then he walked right into the knowledge that Peter was in that very moment fucking another alpha and got brutally kneecapped by his own disappointment. His entire plan got put on the off-step.

When Peter let him down, what was going through his head was that he was extremely disappointed and didn't want to put that on peter, so he wanted to give them space so Johnny could get over him and not impose his feelings on Peter unfairly. What came out was "let's not be friends for a while," which isn't actually what he meant but people don't say exactly what they mean in the moment a lot. He realized that after the fact, got panicked that he might have fucked up the best friendship he ever had, and then fucked up even worse by trying to fix it in the moment instead of respecting the words Peter was actively telling him. And that's still his fuck up, and he still needed to respect boundaries. But the reasoning wasn't "I don't see you as someone worthy of respect," it was "i'm in a panic spiral and making poor decisions."

The worst, most egregious thing Johnny did, and in my opinion the one that's the absolute hardest to forgive, was when he started a public fight with matt on the bridge where he directly talked about peter's fucking sex life in front of people.

Like holy fucking hell, that one there's no real valid explanation for. Like, i included it because comic book characters, especially Johnny Storm, are very impulsive and hotheaded and a lot of people do fucking stupid things in the heat of a bad moment. It was an act of total immaturity, jealousy, and the culmination of a lot of disappointment and bad feelings that resulted in him saying a lot of really fucking dumb things that he regretted immediately after he said them and has been absolutely torturing himself over ever since. And, once again, his regret doesn't excuse his actions, and it's up to peter as to whether he'll ever get forgiveness.

I think the entire Johnny Storm thing, under different circumstances, could have been minor. Johnny could have confessed his feelings, Peter could have turned him down. Johnny could have swallowed his disappointment and they would have moved on. But a lot of outside stressors, bad timing, and people being their worst selves resulted in Johnny fucking up with way worse effects than otherwise it could have been. His decisions are on him, don't get me wrong, but I think sometimes just plain bad luck can also lead us to being worse versions of ourselves. I will say that a lot of the harm he caused was unintentional, and he is actively in deep regret over it--and not because he lost out on a romantic partner, for the record. He regrets hurting the best friend he ever had, hurting someone who helped him at dear cost to himself, and potentially losing him forever.

[shewrites02]

Wounded |Shikamaru x Reader|

Summary: The reader is wounded while on a mission, This leads to a rift in their relationship

Word count: 2.2k

A/N: I'm new to putting Naruto fanfics on my Account. If you have an suggestions or requests I'm open to all of them. Thank you so much.

fuck! This was your ass when you got home, and you knew it. You pleaded to Lady Tsunade to send you on this mission, short of getting on your hands and knees you said and did anything in hopes of persuading her to say yes. Eventually she caved. Knowing very few things got you this emotional she couldn't bring herself to say no even if she had felt you weren't ready. Plus she knew even if she declined you would devise a scheme to end up there anyway, and she wasn't wrong. You had a plan a, b, and c just incase she was adamant in her refusal.

What you didn't have a plan for was explaining to Shikamaru what you were about to do. Go on a S ranked mission despite just clearing your Chunin examinations. When word finally did get back to him, he was furious! that same morning he marched into the Hokage's office and demanded answers.

"I understand you are angry, but I will not explain myself to the likes of you! You want an explanation you speak to your girlfriend!" She snapped at him.

He knew better than to argue further, to expose himself and allow himself to be vulnerable and open with his concerns even just in front of the Hokage. He also knew she was right, it wasn't really her he was angry at.

When the door swung open and slammed against the wall of yall's shared living space you knew who it was, and what was coming.

"Do you want to get yourself killed?!" Shikamaru belted out down the corridor of the small two bedroom apartment. When you did not respond he barged into the master bedroom forcing your attention.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" He continued "You must be invincible, death must not be a concern of yours. No your just that fucking strong despite needing three attempts to pass your Chunin exams."

His words stung, even brought tears to your eyes. You tried to remind yourself that they didn't come from a place of malice, but of concern. That did not stop them from hurting, it did not stop them from making you feel small, and weak.

"I need to do this!" You croaked stifling tears that threatened to fall. Your voice trying it's hardest to be strong.

"EVEN IF IT KILLS YOU?!" Shikamaru quickly rebutted.

you took a deep breath before calmly responding, as if to accept the words as they fell out of your mouth.

"Even if it kills me."

The way Shikamaru's eyes fell you could've sworn you'd thrown a kunai straight through his heart. He was gutted, almost to the extent of feeling betrayed.

"Even if that means leaving me here alone."

You could hear the tears trembling in his throat but not a single one fell. He simply turned and walked out the apartment. This was two days before you were supposed to leave, and was the last direct conversation you had with him before you're departure.

While on the journey Kakashi told you two things. One that he had promised Shikamaru that you'd return to the village even if it meant he did not and secondly that Shikamaru had asked him to give you note.

Inside was a detailed apology for suggesting that you were weak or incompetent. Shikamaru said he didn't want you leaving the village believing he had no faith in you or your abilities. Instead he outlined his fears for you. That you weren't ready physically or emotionally to tackle a mission such as this one, that the cost of this mission may have a higher price than you bargained for. Most importantly that you would never come back. He emphasized how much he loved you but was sure to let it be known how angry he was at you. Your complete disregard for his feelings and concern hurt him. He wrote of how unsure it was that he would be there when you returned. He wasn't sure if his methodical mind could forgive such reckless behavior.

That's all you could think of as you laid motionless on the cold forest floor, how correct Shikamaru was. The mission was a success but now you weren't even sure you'd be around to celebrate the victory that seemed to be worth your life just a week ago. In this moment your were heartbroken, distraught, most of all guilty.

The last memory the love of your life would have of you is you telling him that completing some personal vendetta was worth giving up spending the rest of yall's lives together. This was a risk you didn't have to take, a mission you weren't assigned to but you looked Shikamaru in his eyes and told him it was more important than him. And look at you now, fulfilling the very prophecy he feared you would. He would never forgive you for this.

The warm sensation of your blood coating the back of your hands, drew you out of your thoughts. The voices of Sakura and Kakashi were a faint whisper to you, despite the fact they were shouting at each other. You could make out Kakashi telling her to hurry and patch your wounds. He knew it would be a while before the medical core could make it all the way out here, and he wasn't sure you had that much time. He was hoping if Sakura could just stop the bleeding, he could carry you to the village himself. If she could only stabilize you he could do the rest.

"Kashi." You grunted out, twitching your fingers till they meet his hands. His panicked eyes looked over at you and softened some. He was trying hard not to let on how worried he truly was, but the usually stoic ninja, could not handle the thought of breaking his promise.

"Please... tell Shikamaru I'm sorry. Tell him he was right, he'll like that." A pained laugh fumbled from your lips, along with a weak smile.

"Tell him yourself."

You went to protest but felt every bit of chakra drain for your body. Kakashi and Sakura slowly began to fade until everything went black.

-

When you awoke the agonizingly bright lights along with the low hums of all the equipment were a clear indication of where exactly you are, The Leaf Village hospital.

"And she lives." Kakashi announced. A copy of make out tactics in hand, although his masks was up you felt he had a small smile plastered on his face. As you observed his clean, tidy appearance it was clear you had been here longer than it seemed.

"How long have I been here?"

"A week!" Lady Tsunade scolded her arms folded against her chest as she stormed in Sakura trailing behind her. "Just as I said You nearly got yourself killed out there!"

"But I didn't." You rebutted offering a meek smile. Despite Kakashi and Sakura's giggles Lady Tsunade was not amused.

While you scanned the crowded room, you couldn't help but notice Shikamaru was nowhere to be found. You knew he would be angry with you, but so angry he wouldn't even check up on you. Had you really spent a week in the hospital without a single visit from him? was it true you had survive this mission but your relationship had not? The eerie feeling was too strong to ignore, you couldn't even focus on Lady Tsunade chastising you.

"He's come by everyday!" Sakura interrupted pointing over to a bouquet of Jasmines and Roses, Ino no doubt picked for him.

"He.. didn't want to be here when you woke up." Kakashi confessed.

Sakura elbowed him, right in the middle of his ribs causing him to wince in pain. He nurtured his side shuffling his feet slowly away from her. Clearly he wasn't supposed to share that part. But you appreciated Kakashi's honesty, even if it did break your heart.

"I'll be walking you home." he continued throwing the backpack that you carried everywhere with you over your shoulder.

"Remember, you're on bed rest as soon as you make it home. If I even hear that you've be training so help me God!" Lady Tsunade narrowed her eyes to further emphasize her point. Message received loud and clear.

As you and Kakashi strolled through the village neither of you spoke. You were far to focused on what you might find when you returned home, while he just enjoyed the silence. He feared you might request his input with the situation you and Shikamaru had going on. He was sure all he would do is make you feel worse. The copy ninja was a man of few words, and none of them were inherently comforting.

Once yall approached the front door, you noticed the house completely dark, not even the shine of a table lamp. This was peculiar, your home was usually fully lit at this hour. Shikamaru would usually be home to eat lunch or at the very least find some peace away from his comrades to work out a strategy for a new mission he was assigned. No matter what the reason... he was always here and the house was always vibrant. This dark ominous empty home was not one you knew.

You tried to tell Kakashi that you were more than capable of carrying your bookbag in, but he insisted. You think he's just afraid if word gets back to the Fifth Hokage you exerted any type of unnecessary energy the blame would fall on him. But when the two of you walked across the threshold yall immediately stopped.

Shikamaru was home, sitting completely in the dark staring at the ceiling. The sound of the door opening not even making him move an inch.

"I'll, just leave this here." Kakashi mumbled, placing your bag beside you and walking out closing the door behind him.

Shikamaru still didn't move, not a glance your way, not a word spoken. Absolutely still and absolutely silent.  You wanted to jump on him, kiss him all over, tell him just how wrong you were. Tell him that with what you thoughts were your last breaths the only person you wanted to talk to was him. But you didn't, your guilt weighed so heavy on your chest it felt as if you couldn't speak.

You walked over sitting on the couch next to him, your hand meet his cheek and Shikamaru flinched making you quickly draw your hand back. It was as if he had just realized you were even there. Your eyes quickly examined every contour and mark on your boyfriends face. His flushed cheeks, the slightly puffy eyes that gleamed with a sutble red tinge. Could it be that your stoic aloof boyfriend had been sitting here crying all day? The sight shattered your heart into a million pieces. How could you do this to him? How could you be so selfish?

You reached out for his hand grasping it firmly almost as if you didn't grab him now he would be gone forever. In spite of not even being able to look at you Shikamaru held your hand just as tight.

"Shikam-"

"Do you know how mad I am at you?" he interrupted. "Lady Tsunade had to put you in a medically induced coma for a week... A FUCKING WEEK Y/N!"

"I'm sorry you were right. you were right, baby you were right." You cried tears streaming your face.  "I'm sorry."

You didn't wanna argue, you had no fight left in you. For God's sake you just wanted the man you loved to look you in your eyes. Tell you how much he missed you, that he was worried about you, and he's still in love with you. That he'll always be in love with you. But he was as cold as ever, he refused to cast his gaze upon you. instead his eyes continue to linger at the ceiling.

Shikamaru wanted to stay angry, as glad as he was to have you alive here with him he still wanted to punish you. He wanted you to hurt just like he did when he had to watch Kakashi carry you unconscious through the front gates, or when Lady Tsunade told him your injuries were to extensive to wake you up after surgery. or maybe when you looked him in his eyes and proclaimed how little your life was worth in comparison to a mission you weren't even officially assigned. Shikamaru wanted you to feel a fraction of what he has the past two weeks.

"Shikamaru... baby. Please, look at me." You begged him reaching for his face again. This time you forced his eyes to meet yours.

As angry as he was, when Shikamaru looked into your tear filled eyes he melted. After a week of watching you lay basically lifeless in a hospital bed, seeing that glimmer of life in your eyes nothing seemed to matter anymore.

"Baby, I'm so sorr-"

Shikamaru didn't let you finish your sentence, he crashed his lips into yours for a sloppy passionate kiss. He pulled you onto his lap never breaking away from you. His hands held your waist tight, you were sure he would leave marks, but the thought of letting you go was almost traumatizing for him. In his arms, he knew you were safe that you wouldn't run off again.

"I was so worried about you." He mumbled against yours lips, light gasp for air in-between his words. "I love you so much y/n... you can't die on me."

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

For each member of the Cullens, what do you think it would take for them to realize the extent of how unhinged Edward is and what do you think they would do about it, if anything?

Well, we’re going dark places today, aren’t we?

Alice

Alice is already fully aware of what Edward is, she simply doesn’t care.

There are visions that Alice misses, Edward thinks Alice misses the vast majority of Biology due to being hyper focused on Jasper (and likely missed the school massacre that Edward was seriously planning) but there is a lot she doesn’t miss.

Every time Edward thinks about how great it’d be to smash Mike Newton’s head like a watermelon, every time he considers devouring Bella, every time he enters her room unannounced to stare at her while she sleeps unawares, the time Edward considers genocide of the Quileute Tribe because of Jake’s telling Bella a story he doesn’t even believe, Alice knows.

It changes nothing for her.

She roots for Edward and Bella’s relationship, not because she knows for a certainty it will work out, but because it might. And that slim might, where Bella Swan might survive and become Edward’s lover as well as her own Barbie is worth everything they put Bella through to get there.

Also damningly, Alice cares very little for how good Edward is for Bella just as she cares very little for Bella period. Bella is Alice’s excuse to party and a dress up toy, but Alice will cut contact with her to a) please Edward b) prove a point to Edward.

Worse, Alice will take Bella to Italy, a city where she knows Bella will be killed with a 90% chance upon entry, on the slim chance that they might prevent Edward’s suicide. Yes, she vaguely explains the risk Bella’s taking, but she doesn’t say it in clear terms nor does she waste much time arguing.

Edward is far more important to Alice than Bella.

What I’m getting at is, thanks to her gift, Alice is intimately aware of just what Edward is capable of. She doesn’t care. And yes, there’s something to be said that Edward, more often than not, does not act upon these futures and he shouldn’t be condemned for choices he does not make. However, he does make some of them, and Alice knows.

There’s nothing I think Edward could do to either inform her that she was gravely wrong in how she perceived him or drive her away. Alice would be disappointed he’s thrown the family into such disarray but most likely would try to steer him away from whatever choice would cause such a rift.

She would aid, abet, and enable him because that is what will keep the Cullens together. Which is something Alice very much wants.

Carlisle

Carlisle lives in a river in Egypt, the water is made of double think. There are strong hints that Carlisle’s family is not quite as gung ho or altruistic about the diet as he is. Instead of being appalled, Carlisle quietly lowers his standards, and gives enthusiastic applause when Edward does things like choose not to brutally murder the serial rapist who nearly raped Bella. This is big growth for Edward! He also takes measures like sending family members who have accidents to their victims funeral, in the hopes that something, maybe, might make them see humans as people worthy of life.

If you asked him though, he’d talk about how amazing his family and the Denali are for the diet, and how he’s so proud to be a part of this community that values human life. LOOK HOW MUCH THEY VALUE IT.

When it comes to Edward, I think Edward holds a special place in Carlisle’s heart. He was not only the first person he turned, but Edward left and came back, to Carlisle this signaled that he’d found meaning and purpose in preserving human life. More, Edward... is very good at hiding what he is and is desperate that Carlisle above all others never see it.

Rather than have a conscience, most of the time, what stops Edward from “you name horrific action” of the day is the thought of “What would Carlisle say?” 

My point being, from the outside, especially to Carlisle, Edward truly does look like a noble soul. There are... flags, but they’re easily ignored or written off as issues with Edward’s emotional maturity.

Where Carlisle starts getting concerned is with Bella. Edward leaves for Alaska, great, Carlisle’s proud he was able to make that decision and know his limits. ThEn EdWArd CoMeS BaCK.

Edward comes back, in a week, nothing has changed, and he refuses to leave. Carlisle talks to him, Edward’s thinking he’s better than Hamburger and he can’t let her win, what he actually says to Carlisle is something along the lines of “I can’t run from my fears” Carlisle does an upside down smiley face then says, “Yes, you can, please do” And Edward doesn’t.

Things with Edward and this girl get progressively weird, but Carlisle is very proud that Edward sees the value of human life and not murdering a girl for being nearly hit by a van (this is how low Carlisle’s standards have become), and then Alice goes, “Oh, by the way, Edward is in love with this girl!”

Carlisle just sits there, “Alright then” and quietly puts aside his dreams of moving to a town where Edward doesn’t eat Bella Swan.

But I’m getting off track, this isn’t about canon where Carlisle can explain Edward’s actions away as noble but extreme, emotionally immature, and misguided.

Eating Bella’s not enough. Carlisle will see this as a tragic accident, something he foresaw, but something he assumes will haunt Edward for eternity. And, as it will haunt Edward for eternity (though not for the reasons Carlisle assumes) there will be nothing to make Carlisle question Edward’s character. He was young and foolish to think his limits were endless, but this was a tragic accident.

And it’s something, that in canon, Carlisle is hoping won’t happen but expects with helplessness.

I think there are a number of things that could do it. Had Edward eaten Biology, had he decided to defy Volturi law by eating Saint Marcus’ Square, but staying closer to the realm of possibility...

Had Edward forcibly aborted Bella, murdering her and her child in the process, or else if Renesmee didn’t have her gift, and Edward murdered her after her birth (assuming Jake didn’t get to it first).

Those actions cannot be excused away nor cannot be seen as tragic accidents. They are premeditated and evil, and yes evil is a strong word, yet here we are. This is Carlisle staring in the face of madness.

And that’s what it will take.

If Edward cheats on Bella, then while Carlisle is sad and disappointed, affairs happen and passion fades. More, Edward and Bella married awfully young and barely knew each other, this perhaps isn’t surprising.

If Edward eats a human Bella on the day she’s supposed to be turned, in very suspicious circumstances right at the last minute. Carlisle will know, deep down, but never allow himself to believe it. He’ll think Edward is utterly devestated and had let his guard down on that last day in anticipation of Bella’s turning.

This though, there’s no denying this.

I don’t believe Carlisle can kill Edward. Murder is not in his nature, and more, Edward is so dear to him. And now that this has happened, Carlisle would blame himself in part because surely, the human Edward Masen would never have become this. 

He’d likely reach out to Aro. Eclipse has happened, but not Breaking Dawn, and more everything is in question. He has to know the truth from a man who has seen Edward’s very soul. He goes in person, likely tells Edward his plans, and Edward rages but that doesn’t stop Carlisle.

Rosalie (more on her below) would never forgive Edward, ever, she is done. She and Emmett likely go with Carlisle to Volterra to hear the truth of what Edward is. Esme stays behind with Edward, torn in half, but unable to leave his side in this time of crisis. With that, her and Carlisle’s marriage completely dissolves on the spot. Alice stays with Edward as well, which means Jasper does to, though this likely starts the gears in head and he begins to contemplate leaving his wife. Though I imagine he won’t act for some time.

By the time Emmett, Rosalie, and Carlisle reach Volterra the coven is broken.

If Bella survived, if Edward murdered Renesmee while she was out of commission for three days, then I imagine she too goes to Volterra. Not for truth, but so that Aro can murder her, because there’s no point in living anymore.

Emmett

It would have to be beyond the pale extreme because Emmett gets more hints than most of the family (i.e. Carlisle and Rosalie).

Edward doesn’t really confide in Emmett, per se, but he does say some pretty damning things on their hunting trip in New Moon and give off varying vibes of crazy. Rather than realize that Edward, perhaps, is dangerous, Emmett only gets the feeling that Edward might not be alright in the head. Mostly, Emmett doesn’t want to think about it.

So he gets to listen to Edward raving about how Bella could be crushed by a meteor, wondering why Edward even cares when two days ago he didn’t give a flying fuck about this rando tasty human.

To Emmett, Edward has been laughing madly to himself for days, is now a  paranoid wreck, and is starting to creep him out but... Maybe if he ignores it, Edward will go back to normal?

Not helping is that Emmett doesn’t care about human life. He’s constantly telling Edward to treat himself and eat Bella, in a manner that suggests he vicariously wants to live through the delicious experience (as well as get Edward to calm down). 

If Edward eats Bella, Emmett will slap him on the back and say “Good job, bro!” If Edward eats Bella after the whole “love” thing, well, that’s weird, but, uh, “Sorry, bro?” If Edward murders all of Biology...

Then Emmet might do a double take and think, you know, maybe something’s not right with Edward.

I think he’d suggest he and Rose take a very long vacation and wait for things to calm down. Hoping that, if he ignores this, it will go away and Edward will return to a... saneish person.

What Rose thinks is a different story.

Esme

There is nothing on this planet that could tear Esme away from Edward. Esme’s purpose in life, the thing that gives her joy each morning and each night, is her family which you can condense down to Edward: the best and brightest of all of us.

We see it in canon.

The day after Edward decides he’s in love he acts like a lunatic. The car smells like Bella, as he kidnapped her for a ride home (Bella did not realize she had, in fact, been abducted. Edward does for two seconds then says to himself, “No, no, this is--completely necessary. I’M A MONSTER”

Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett get to ride home in this Bella smelling car. Edward keeps laughing, like he’s in an opium den, it’s fucking weird. Edward offers no explanation, the car always smells like Bella, what are you talking about?

Edward then skips to the piano, giggling to himself, and sits down to compose. An action he hasn’t done in years. He’s still grinning and giggling to himself, by the way. Alice joins him at the piano, being equally cryptic and weird as usual. For some reason, Rosalie leaves the room in complete humiliation and shame. This is never explained to anyone watching.

Esme is sitting in the room, taking this all in, and thinks nothing. Instead she smiles, at beautiful Edward, and asks him to play the song he composed for her. She’s so glad to see him filled with joy again. She tells him that he is the best and brightest of all of them.

Esme later gives Edward her pretty much express permission to eat Bella if the girl is causing him such pain and misery. Luckily for Bella, Edward’s in love. So he passes on that and assures Esme the most wonderful thing has happened, he is in love.

My point being, Edward could drop the corpses of the students he murdered in Biology so he could more efficiently eat Bella at Esme’s feet and she wouldn’t blink. It wouldn’t even process for her. Esme would continue carrying on as Esme, nothing changing, while the rest of the family stares agog at the city Edward just murdered.

There is nothing Edward could do or say that would ever change Esme’s mind and she will always treat him as her favorite child.

Jasper

With his gift, I imagine Jasper suspects. Edward loathes Rosalie, despises him, and his feelings for others are... strange. He holds indifference and contempt for mankind and when it comes to Bella. Woof, what a cocktail.

He has no proof though, but I imagine if the smallest thing comes into his lap, that suspicion would become a certainty.

As for what he’d do, it’s hard to say.

I think, in most scenarios, he’d look the other way. Yes, Edward is a monater, but Jasper to is a monster if for different reasons, he has no room to judge. More, Edward is in many respects the heart of the Cullens, far more than Japser himself is. If Jasper goes causing strife, making accusations the others may or may not believe, then the coven could collapse.

This place, these people, are what Jasper thinks he’s been searching for all his life. For the first time, he knows peace, and is trying to live a life where he doesn’t persist in agony every time he succumbs to eating. Jasper is not going to risk that falling apart, even if he finds Edward unpleasant.

And if Edward keeps it to himself, or if the occasional human is the victim, then that’s a price Jasper is willing to pay.

Jasper might actually get concerned when it comes to Bella. For all Bella’s not very close with him, he holds her in very high regard. He nearly devoured Bella, and she forgave him, she forgave him his monstrously brutal past and has never flinched from him. She is a reminder of what humanity can be and why it’s important.

If he realized the threat Edward is to Bella, not just in eating her, but on a level much darker than that, then he might start to act and would probably try to get Bella to leave while she could. However, he also likely knows Bella would never listen, because she doesn’t see what Edward is and nothing would convince her otherwise. Not to mention, as soon as Jasper knows, Edward will plot against him so that no one in the family will ever listen to a word he says.

Not to mention that Alice, of course, must know and doesn’t care. That will be quite the blow to Jasper taking any action.

Barring extreme circumstances, Jasper does nothing, he just watches and waits to see what the others do.

Rosalie

For all that Edward doesn’t bother to be nice to Rosalie, and is ready to lay into her at a moment’s notice, he’s very dear to her. He is, in all regards, her brother and she cares for him deeply as she does the family as a whole.

Rosalie has no idea what he truly is and it would take a lot for her to accept it. More, unlike Carlisle, although she prizes human values and tries to hold herself to human standards her morals have slipped enough that she genuinely advocates murdering Bella Swan in her sleep so that Rosalie won’t have to move.

Murdering Bella won’t be enough, Rosalie will see it as the accident that could have been avoided if Edward hadn’t insisted on being a fool. 

I think, for Rosalie, the best way to drive it home would be a sexual crime. Had Edward forced Bella’s abortion in Breaking Dawn, that would have done it. First, it’d be such a messy, bloody, affair at that point and would look like a horror show (which means Edward’s more than likely to eat Bella in the process). Second, this would be Edward taking the child that Bella wanted, tearing it from her and murdering it, and performing the most vile action that Rosalie can likely even contemplate.

I don’t know what she’d do, I don’t think Rosalie’s capable of killing Edward, she cares for him too much, even after something like this. However, I think she would make an ultimatum to Carlisle “either he goes or I go” and then would never speak of Edward again, he’s dead to her.

[momsopposed2theoccult]

It’s come to my attention that a good majority of people on this website have a really poor understanding of the conflict between Toph and Katara in “The Chase.” As somebody who loves both characters and their friendship, this irritates me. Without further ado, let’s unpack that in what is in theory supposed to be a meta but turned out more like a rant. 

“Katara was hostile towards Toph because the fact that she’s a gender non-conforming girl made Katara uncomfortable because Katara is obsessed with gender roles.”

Alright, so right off the bat this is just... completely idiotic and clearly fuelled by an agenda (and likely also a lot of projection). First of all, how is Katara of “I don’t want to heal, I want to fight!” fame “obsessed with gender roles?” There’s an entire episode in Book One dedicated to Katara refusing to conform to societal norms for women in the Northern Water Tribe! Katara routinely calls Sokka out on his misogynistic bullshit! (Mind you I adore Sokka but he could be a little twerp at times and Katara was 100% right to challenge him on it) Katara is the feminist icon of ATLA! The fact that people act like Katara is some sort of conservative tradwife who loves gender roles instead of the outspoken feminist and political activist she is makes me incredibly angry.

Second of all, Katara was extremely kind and welcoming towards Toph at first. She gently encouraged her to join in with the group as they all set up camp together as opposed to setting up her own private camp. It’s only when Toph refuses to comply with her that Katara begins to get irritated. Mind you, Toph has her reasons for this, something I’ll get to in a minute, but from Katara’s perspective (key word here is perspective) she’s just being an annoying little stubborn, selfish, lazy, anti-social, entitled brat. Of course we the audience find out later that this isn’t the case at all (or at least in theory we should find out later but apparently some people on here skipped that part), but for all her many talents Katara is not a mind reader and has no way of knowing what’s going on inside Toph’s head, nor does she know her well enough yet to fully grasp the context behind why Toph acts the way she does. Katara is somebody who greatly values community and believes in teamwork, so Toph turning down her warm welcome in favour of “carrying her own weight” likely felt like a slap in the face. Not to mention that she’s already emotionally exhausted from having to constantly mother Aang and Sokka. If I were Katara, I likely would have reacted the same way. 

Oh and I agree that the “the stars look beautiful tonight, too bad you can’t see them, Toph” comment was out of line, but it doesn’t make her a horrible person. It makes her a 14 year old, and 14 year olds can be nasty, especially sleep deprived 14 year olds. Katara is otherwise a very kind and compassionate person. Other characters have said worse than that. Hell, Toph herself has said worse than that. That being said, it was a deeply hurtful comment and I do like to imagine that she apologized for it off-screen. 

“Toph is a lazy, entitled, and classist spoiled rich brat who just didn’t want to do chores and expected other people to wait on her.” 

This is another one that makes me roll my eyes and ask if they even watched the show. First of all, the presumption that Toph is a lazy or entitled person is just... laughable. I feel like people forget that Toph isn’t actually an earthbending prodigy in the way that Azula is a firebending prodigy (I could say more about Azula and how her belief that she was the unshakeable prodigal daughter ultimately caused her downfall and how by the end of the series Zuko is arguably a better firebender than her but this isn’t a meta about Azula and Zuko, now is it?). Nah. Toph was a sheltered kid who discovered she had the ability to earthbend, was told that she could never become great at it because she was blind, and in response said FUCK THAT and decided to work her ass off until she was not only great but the very greatest all thanks to her crazy, stupid, off-the-charts nerve, drive, grit, ambition, and desire to prove people wrong about her. Does that sound like a lazy person to you? Believe me when I say that you do not achieve that kind of skill level by sitting around on your ass and expecting to have things handed to you. And entitled? Don’t make me laugh. Toph hates having things handed to her, that’s one of her defining characteristics. 

As for the implication that she’s classist and enjoys basking in her family’s wealth and being waited on...... are you stupid? Did you even watch the show? Toph absolutely despises everything about her parents’ lifestyle. Growing up like that was traumatizing and restrictive for her. We’re talking about a girl who likes to play around in the mud for fuck’s sake. Toph does not care how much money you have. She never wanted any to begin with. She even says it herself; “I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. They gave me everything I could have wanted. But they never gave me what I actually needed - their love.” Not to mention that she easily could have continued to freeload off her parents wealth but instead chose to sneak out of the house and make her own money doing what she did best; disproving people’s assumptions about her earthbending. Oh and I’ve seen someone point this out before but WWE is generally considered a “low brow” activity that “proper” people frown upon and shouldn’t associate themselves with. Toph fucking loved it. I don’t know how seriously people take the comics, as they often miss the mark when it comes to characterization (Toph’s, however, was generally pretty accurate), but there’s a part in The Rift where Sokka asks her when she’s going to start charging people to learn metalbending and she gets all serious and flat out tells him that she will never do such a thing, because money doesn’t matter to her. Sharing her one true passion with the world is what matters to her. Oh and the part where she basically tells a bunch of rich and sleazy businessmen to fuck off and “stop thinking about money and start thinking about people’s lives” is just... *chef’s kiss* Sorry my thoughts here are so incoherent but this take is so piss poor and makes me so angry that I don’t even know where to start. As for “Toph enjoys being waited on” I just- *sigh* Toph has such a visceral and defensive reaction to any implication that she is unable to take care of herself. Like I said earlier, that’s one of her defining characteristics as well as the reason for her behaviour in “The Chase.” Where are people getting these takes?

You wanna know why Toph acted the way she did in The Chase? Well, first let’s recap her life up to this point. Toph was born the blind daughter of one of the wealthiest families in the Earth Kingdom. From day one her parents treated her like glass due to her disability. She was not allowed to leave her house unsupervised, and even then she was only permitted to walk around the gardens of her home. Every day of her life she was pitied, gaslit, babied, ignored, emotionally neglected, and made to feel ashamed of herself. She was not allowed to make any decisions for herself. She was not allowed to do anything for herself. She was not allowed to talk to other children. She had no friends. Other people didn’t even know she existed on account that her parents kept her locked up in her own home and didn’t tell anybody about her because they were so ashamed to have a blind daughter. Flash forward to “The Chase.” Toph begins to set up her own camp separate from the rest of the Gaang. Considering that she flat out was not socialized as a child and hadn’t even interacted with anybody her own age prior to a few days ago, this is understandable. So then Katara comes up to her and asks her why she isn’t setting up camp with the others as if she’s somehow incapable of taking care of herself (again, this is just what happened from her perspective) like she’s her mom or something and it just angers her because she thought she joined this group to get away from all that and she doesn’t understand how friends work because she’s never had one, all she knows is that apparently this girl thinks she isn’t capable of taking care of herself, and that infuriates her because it’s the exact same bullshit she thought she was running away from.

There’s a lot more I could say about this but I’m sick of typing so yeah in conclusion both of these takes are piss poor and I’m sick of having to read them. Stan Toph, Katara, and their friendship. 

[raptorific]

i was raised by authoritarian fascists who mentally and emotionally abused me, isolated me, and controlled what i was allowed to consume. it took years of continuing to be traumatized by interacting with fiction that affirmed their behavior and told me that i deserved my abuse before i learned it wasn't normal.

so maybe saying people should bring their own judgements "from home" when interacting with media "beyond disney's ducktales" isn't the morally superior take you think it is. you are essentially blaming people for not being you, or having the same advantages you do. there is no allowance for people with learning disabilities in your stance either.

your experience is not universal. your knowledge and the circumstances by which you came into your knowledge is not universal. your ability to form your own opinions and think critically about media is not universal. some of us were denied those privileges in our formative years. try jumping down from your high horse and exercise some empathy once in a while.

Okay so like... a few things, right off the bat:

First, I’m sorry that happened to you! You didn’t deserve that, nor should people, nor should those stories, have told you that you deserved it. It sounds like those works of fiction made a point to spell out where they stood on the actions they depicted, if they affirmed your parents’ behavior and told you that you deserved your abuse. 

Otherwise, and I’m sure you’ll agree on this, the problem with the development of your moral compass was what was your parents told you and did to you, not the fact that there is such a thing as works of fiction that depict bad things like Fascism and Abuse without having characters look into a camera and say “this is wrong, do not try this at home.” Sometimes, in fact, works of fiction have things to say that can’t be covered by a story where bad behavior is always punished, especially since many stories seek to make the point that bad people often do bad things and get away with it, even though they shouldn’t. 

Should a story about a pedophile being caught and arrested, only to be let free on a legal technicality be discounted just because it doesn’t end with the pedophile being adequately punished for his crimes? Even though having the story end that way would defeat the purpose of the story itself, which is to illustrate how unfair it is that a sexual predator can walk free just because protocol wasn’t followed to the letter, which happens all the time in real life? Is “this doesn’t happen because good always triumphs over evil” which is an outright lie, a better lesson than “this does happen and it’s bad?”

I completely stand by my belief that adults engaging with fiction intended for adults should be able to form their own opinions and use their own moral compass to navigate those works without said works holding their hands and walking them through it. If they can’t do that, it doesn’t mean the work shouldn’t exist, only that it’s a bit too advanced for them, and if they want to navigate it, they should work on developing that skill rather than blaming the writer for making a story that’s too hard for them to comprehend. 

If, using Breaking Bad as an example, you watch a show about a man who abuses his wife, deals drugs, murders people, and you think it’s about what a hero he is for doing those things? Whether you got that opinion just because you don’t see the problem with meth and murder OR you got that opinion because you had terrible parents who left you unequipped to tell right from wrong, you should absolutely be expected to improve your ability to parse media before complaining that the writers didn’t go out of their way to avoid every possible reason why someone with a warped moral compass might misinterpret it. The problem isn’t that Breaking Bad shouldn’t exist, or that Breaking Bad should have to clearly and explicitly condemn each immoral act Walter does, rather than expecting adults watching a prestige television drama to have covered “Murder Is Wrong” at some point in their lives. The problem is with your moral compass, and that’s yours to solve, it’s not the job of every writer whose work you might decide to pick up to compensate for your inability (whatever its cause might be) to tell the difference between right and wrong. 

When I say “from home,” I don’t mean from your parents. I mean from yourself. I have to assume, having been through what you’ve been through, that if you (as an adult) saw someone in a movie acting the way your parents acted and did not say “child abuse is okay,” you would know what they were doing was wrong, even if the movie didn’t say “child abuse is wrong.” I understand that wasn’t always the case! But now, as an adult, you understand that child abuse is wrong, right? If you see child abuse happening in a work of fiction that does not say “it’s good that they’re doing this,” you understand that what the abuser is doing is bad? If so, congratulations, you are already following my advice. 

What really bothers me about this message, though, is that you’re asking me to disrespect a lot of people, including you. Those people who didn’t learn critical thinking, reading comprehension, and media literacy? I believe in their ability to gain those skills, and if they’re going to engage in media analysis, I expect them to try! I don’t think, as you seem to, that “the difference between right and wrong, and the ability to identify them in fiction” is too advanced for people with learning disabilities. Incidentally, you don’t actually know jack shit about what my academic experience was like, or what disorders I might or might not have, so like... I’d thank you to not try to use people with learning disabilities as a cudgel to shut people up when they say “if you’re going to tell writers how to do their job, you should probably make an effort to know how to read at the level on which they write.”

But why do you ask me to believe you’re unable to do this? I’m not going to disrespect you like that. I know you don’t think people with learning disabilities and people who grew up in abusive backgrounds are capable of developing their media literacy skills, personal moral compass, and reading comprehension, but I don’t have any such contempt for them. Believe it or not, I actually don’t think I’m superior to those people, morally or in any other way. I believe they’re fully capable of everything I’m capable of. 

You should be able to form your own opinions and think critically about media. If you aren’t able to do that, you should learn, and I know you can. You might believe that people are simply too stupid to ride the bike without the training wheels, but I don’t, so don’t put your hang-ups on me. Unlearn that shit. 

[sersi]

Your gifs are always so beautiful! And the quality is top notch as usual. I still don't understand if Sersi knew Ikaris was saying goodbye to her in that moment and that he was going to kill himself, or if he was just leaving her again? Her reaction seems so calm, she still loves him apparently yet she doesn't try to say something to stop him. He sure did horrible things, but Eternals were ready to forgive Sprite or, at least, they were sympathetic to her. Chloe was talking how no one is truly bad there and that she is partly team Ikaris... I don't know, but I don't get this scene. Only Sprite seemed upset, the rest didn't really care. I guess I just wanted more family feelings from them, even to Ikaris, they were together for so long after all.

Hi anon! My take on that scene (and to an extent the entirety of Ikaris and Sersi's interactions in the modern day) is actually quite specific and (I think) quite different than your own. To me, that scene is the final resolution of a century long break-up and, for Sersi, the moment she finally gets closure.

The lack of closure produced by Ikaris leaving Sersi without explanation or warning is a recurring force in the movie. The first real introduction to their relationship--Sersi’s conversation with Dane after the Deviant attack--gives the audience the basics: how long they were together, the fact that Ikaris left her, and, crucially, Sersi's declaration that "I moved on."

In a lot of ways, Sersi has moved on--she has made a life for herself, is in a new relationship, and seems open to the notion of being in love with Dane. Yet, she is clearly still haunted by this unanswered question of why Ikaris left. These emotions are likely brought even closer to the forefront by her first one on one interaction with Ikaris in the present (the scene in her apartment post-Deviant attack), where Ikaris apologizes for (but does not explain) that abandonment.

In the forest--after they've spent one, if not two (they had to get from London to South Dakota somehow and given that they are driving a car to Ajak's house, I suspect that Ikaris may not be capable of carrying two people and flying at the same time 😅) flights together and have gotten comfortable with each other again--Sersi directly asks Ikaris why he left. And once again, Sersi doesn't get her answer. (Before getting snatched up by that Deviant, Ikaris seemed potentially ready to give her more of an answer, but I don't think he was ready to fully tell her the truth).

And then, after the attack and Gilgamesh’s death, their focus is largely consumed by finding the remaining Eternals and (for Sersi) finding a way to stop or delay the emergence. Their next one on one scene is consumed by this: Ikaris tells Sersi that he’s in love with her (present tense!!!) but also, for the first time, makes the sheer depth of the ideological gulf between them clear. And then obviously the emergence starts, Ikaris reveals that he knew all along, and declares that he is willing to kill every single one of them in order to protect it.

That heel turn on the Domo gives Sersi most of the answers she’s been waiting a century for: Ikaris reveals that he has known since they left Babylon, that he never wanted her to know the truth of their mission, and, in his most emotionally revealing dialogue, the pain that knowledge of the emergence and his decision to keep it a secret from her caused him. (“I wanted you to leave this world in peace.”, “Ajak told me everything when we left Babylon.”, “Do you think it was easy to live with the truth? To know that one day all this would end? To keep on lying to you?”). Yet, in this same moment, Ikaris gives Sersi new reasons to doubt the truths of their past relationship: in addition to his declaration (backed up by his attack on Makkari) that he is willing to kill his fellow Eternals to protect the emergence, he also admits to killing to Ajak and largely brushes aside Sersi’s repeated statements about Ajak’s love for him.

Afterwards, Sersi is nearly paralyzed by grief, betrayal, and doubt. While she overcomes this and, over the course of the beach battle, finally settles into who she has become, rather than who she once was, she is still carrying the emotional wounds of believing (due to both words and actions) that the man she spent thousands of years with is willing to kill her in defense of a system she finds archaic and violent.

It is only when Ikaris confronts Sersi on the emerging Tiamut--a moment in which Sersi clearly assumes she will die--and he cannot bring himself to kill her that all the puzzle pieces really settle into place. Ikaris and Sersi have known each other for seven thousand years (that they can remember) and, with everything that has transpired and been revealed over the past few days, I think, for the first time in thousands of years, they both fully understand who the other is. When Ikaris says “I’m sorry” and Sersi responds “I know”, it, to me, is, much more than Chloé slipping in a Star Wars callback. To me, it’s all that really needed to be or could be said in that moment. 

Sersi isn’t sorry. She did what she thought was right and it’s far too soon for the mixed emotions that come into play in her exchange with Kingo at the end. Ikaris is sorry, but I don’t really think it’s just for killing Ajak or lying to Sersi or Gil’s death or trying to kill Druig or trying to kill Sersi. I think he’s also sorry for his inability to stop Sersi. Ikaris spent thousands of years loving her and their mission to serve Arishem, and while his love for Sersi ultimately won out, I don’t think that’s something he’s at peace with at all.

In this moment, Ikaris and Sersi are in dramatically different emotional places--Ikaris is in turmoil and Sersi, for the first time in a very long time, is at peace. And with the benefit of thousands of years together and a week in which every Eternal was forced to recognize the ways in which they had changed, I think Sersi knows that, in that moment, there is nothing she can do to fix or change or stop Ikaris. She can’t absolve him of what he did (and I wouldn’t assume that she would want to do that either). She can’t undo what she just did. And while there is love there, I think they both understand that they can never be exactly what they once were. So, Sersi simply watches Ikaris leave her, for a second time, because there is no action she can take that will change anything. And after having already lost, grieved, and moved on from Ikaris once before without any understanding of why, whatever she feels in that moment is, I think, less visceral because of it.

Now, as for everyone else, I think their reactions to Ikaris’ trip into the sun are shaped by two main factors: one, their pre-existing relationships with/feelings about Ikaris and two, Ikaris’ actions over the past week. Except for Sprite and Sersi, most of the Eternals on that beach have a at least marginally antagonistic relationship with Ikaris before any of the events of the third act. Druig’s interactions with Ikaris, both in the Aztec flashback scene and in the commune in the modern day, are openly hostile. Phastos, as evidenced by Ikaris’ saying Phastos has called him worse during the Superman exchange and Phasto’s entire speech/exchange with Ikaris on the beach, has some pre-existing and likely longstanding issues with him as well. We don’t get any flashbacks that really let us pinpoint when this all started, but between “I’ve been wanting to clip your wings for a long time” and “You always did underestimate her”, I lean towards thinking these issues were bubbling under the surface well before the Eternals all split up. Thena is harder to pin down, but her 🤔 expression during the Ikersi wedding reaction shot has always made me feel like she was at least a tiny bit mixed on Ikaris by that time. (Also the fact that Gil does not let Ikaris breathe for a SECOND in their modern-day interactions and, regardless of whether you read them as romantic or just besties, that is Thena’s partner). So, of the Eternals on that beach, the only one I don’t think had issues with Ikaris beforehand is Makkari.

And Makkari is definitely the biggest testament to the second thing shaping reactions to Ikaris’ death: all the shit he pulled over the last week. He admitted to killing Ajak, something that even Druig, who had plenty of issues with Ajak, is shown to be upset over. He was indirectly responsible for Gilgamesh’s death, something that Thena, while having reached her own moment of peace in the aftermath of killing Kro, would not have forgotten. And he attempted to kill Druig, which Makkari did not appreciate and tried to kill Ikaris over.

So, while I don’t think the Eternals were necessarily happy about what Ikaris did at the end, I do think that their emotions regarding his death were deeply complicated and that, with everything else that has happened, it was not really the predominate emotional force in that moment. They’ve just stopped the birth of a Celestial and saved the world, something they never thought they would or could do. They’ve lost, in the past week, multiple members of their team/family when no one had died in the previous seven thousand years. And they joined together, mentally, with each other and with Tiamut. There’s just so much to process and settle in that whatever they feel about Ikaris is, for the moment, not able to fully break through or take center stage. It would certainly have to at some point--this is someone they’ve known for thousands of years and someone that they’ve all had a range of experiences with--but I think it might take hours, if not days, for that to really happen. (And while I would love a full multi-week-long cut of Eternals, I get why that sort of “many hours later on the beach” or “everyone on the repaired Domo while we fly to North Dakota” moment is not going to make it into the script).

The Eternals shown to have the closest/most positive relationships with Ikaris are Sersi, Sprite, and Kingo. I’ve already talked about Sersi, but I would add that, alongside whatever grief she feels over Ikaris, there is also “I killed a Celestial”, so she too has a ton going on emotionally. Kingo, who was tremendously loyal to Ikaris and at least agreed with him on the subject of the emergence, isn’t there at all and when we next see him, it is weeks later, so probably past whatever initial grief he felt.

By the end, Sprite is the Eternal with the least complicated emotions regarding Ikaris. She loves him, she agreed with him about the emergence (albeit for reasons more tied to her frustration and dissatisfaction with her life on Earth than any sort of fundamental faith in Arishem and the Celestials), and, while not knowing of Ikaris and Sersi’s final exchange, likely shares the regret he expressed in that moment. So, while probably the least emotionally settled Eternal in that beach scene, her grief over Ikaris is, I think, much less complicated than everyone else’s and thus much more immediate and visible.

Families can be really complicated, and, in my opinion, the issue of forgiveness and the treatment of Sprite vs. Ikaris is wrapped up in that. Sprite was not necessarily beloved by all of her fellow Eternals, but, unlike Ikaris, it may be easier for the Eternals to have sympathy for her because of the increasingly obvious cruelty of how Arishem made her and because the scope of what she did was much smaller. She tried to kill Sersi, but one, didn’t succeed, and two, it was made clear that Sersi forgave her pretty much immediately after she appeared on that beach. (Obviously, Ikaris never showed up on that beach, so it can’t really be said how different the Eternals reaction would have been to him. I don’t really think it would have been positive simply because of the scope and recency of everything that’s he done. But I also think that you would have seen a much wider and more visible range of reactions from the Eternals had he returned).

So, I guess after far more words than you probably ever expected anon, I recognize your desire for more of an obvious or straightforward sense of family in the immediately post-emergence/beach scene parts of the movie and understand how, given Chloé’s comments on Ikaris, the reaction to Ikaris’ death could be unsatisfying. However, as I’ve tried to explain above, it works for me because the relationships and factors at play in those final parts of the movie leave the surviving Eternals with very complicated emotions regarding Ikaris. This is an experience that I think a lot of Eternals fans can relate to, but one where I think there is a crucial difference between us and the Eternals as characters. As viewers, we are purview to a lot of information the surviving Eternals don’t have. We get to see Ikaris after he kills Ajak. We get to rewatch the movie and start to notice all those moments where Ikaris is clearly tormented by what he has done and what he has committed to do. We get to see Ikaris realize that he simply cannot bring himself to kill Sersi. And, most crucially, for us, this is fiction--the emergence is a thought experiment, albeit a somewhat emotional one for anyone attached to MCU characters who live on Earth. So, while I get why Chloé finds her allegiances shifting day to day and why she hopes that viewers will find it to be a similarly complex situation, I don’t think that the Eternals, as characters, can be expected to share that same complexity of thought, especially in the immediate aftermath.