#he'd still bother me on some level but I could deal with it

[altruistic-meme]

help someone please make me be an adult cus i really just don't want to.

[thehorrorsoftheblackbunnymask]

Hiiiii I came Across Your Blog and I rlly rlly Love it,The Way you Write for the Creepypasta Characters is Amazing and I'm obsessed With it.

anyway If you are willing to take requests Can I Request The School Au Creepypasta Boys Like Ben Jeff,and the Proxies w Female Reader who is on The Proxies level (Is really strong And Smart as hell) But isn't Exactly a Proxy and + She's the Most popular and Smartest girl in School.

It's okay if not,You decide Just curious ❣️

Thank you so much!

Ben is using you to the max bro. He'll have you do homework for him and beg you to give him the answers to the up and coming exam. But, he's not going to be as open about his abuse if you're popular. You're popular for your personality, looks, and smarts, while he's popular for his looks and black market dealings. He'll show you off because like, two of the most popular kids in school are dating, you're the IT couple, but boy would the entire school freak out if they find out what Ben did to you at LJ's Halloween party.

Jeff isn't really popular but more so infamous, so being with him is definitely going to kill some of your popularity. Jeff doesn't really care about your popularity, and will constantly call you a dumb bimbo despite him copying your answers more time than he can count.

EJ is pretty much the school's JD when it comes ro reputation, so they'd be mixed opinions. I can see some of the popular girls getting jealous of you because helloooo, you just pulled the school's hot mysterious guy. You absolutely love his smarts and the two of you often talk about biology and help each other study for test. He's such the perfect boyfriend, always buying you gifts, walking you home, throwing you complement after complement. Awww. He'd would never hurt you, right?

Toby loves you bro, you're fucking saving his grade. The two of you were paired up in ELA because the teacher thought you'd be a good influence on him, and also hoped you could help him with his stutter, which wasn't even that bad. You found him a little strange, but you fell for his awkwardness and attitude. He doesn't care about your popularity either, hell, he rarely cares about his own, but your smarts? Broo, he's on his fucking knees for you bro. He didn't really care much about his grades until half way through senior year when he was told he might not be able to graduate if he didn't get them up, and then the moment you came along and got him to actually understand what the hell was going on, he fell hard. He still has his issues and is still an abusive asshole, but I feel like in this situation it's a lot harder to acknowledge it because of his desperation and almost simp like behavior.

Liu wants to ruin you. He wants to absolutely destroy your reputation for his own amusement. Does he love you? Ehhhh, maybe, hopefully, probably... It honestly depends on the day. Liu is capable of love don't get me wrong, but when the two of you first got together, he didn't really love you and saw you more as a game, but he fell for you as your relationship went on. You're popularity really bothers him because not only is he known as Jeff's little brother, but now he's known as the Smart Boy/Girl's boyfriend. But aye, because of you, he gets to skip more classes.

Tim doesn't really care about your popularity. Tim likes to go for losers because they tend to be more desperate and easier to manipulate, but Tim's always been one to enjoy a challenge. Even talking to you was hard because since you have a solid foundation, you often ignore him and reject any and all advances, but through some blackmail after one of LJ'S parties, you agreed to date him. The entire school gets an off vibe about your relationship, but they ain't gonna say anything.

Brian, dear lord. With Tim, getting you was hard, with Brian, easiest thing in the world. If you read my one shot The Proxies Little Pet part 2, I showed Brian as a charming lover boy, and I still stand by that. Brian is a manipulative, deceiving, blackmailing bitch. He's similar to EJ and Liu, all three of them present themselves as pretty nice, chill, caring guys, but the moment you date them, yours trapped. EJ takes a painfully long time to shoe his true colors, Liu is average time, but Brian. The moment you agree, he's done hiding. I can see the two of you hooking up, and afterwards while you were asleep he took a shit ton of picture of you. One day, when you're sick and tired of his abuse, he'll send you all the pictures he took and ask if yall were still over. Safe to say, you didn't stop dating.

LJ is an interesting case where he doesn't use you for your grades, but instead uses you for amusement. He'll actively embarrse you because come on, hes the class clown! Everyone loves him. He's extremely apathetic towards you whenever you cry about it, and he's just a fucking dick.

[good-beanswrites]

hi! may i request some mikoto + amane (platonic obvs) … anything? they are very dear to me 😭

Yes!!! Thank you so much for the request -- they really are such a good pair ;-; (The thing is, I had so many nice scenes in mind about how they parallel each other, but they wouldn't know or reveal that about each other so I kept restarting...) Anyway, here's something right after Mikoto's first trial/verdict!

Mikoto could pick up on someone’s bad mood from a mile away, though the skill was unnecessary when the other party very clearly and calmly informed him, “I’m in a bad mood.”

After refusing his offer, Amane turned back to a thick textbook she’d been taking notes on. Didn’t kids usually complain that school was already a prison? She must have wanted the full experience. He'd worked nonstop at his studies as well, but this was a new level. Amane often reminded him of his little sister, though she always took the extra step like this. His sister would have jumped at this opportunity to play a few rounds of their favorite card game.

“It’ll be fun!”

He flashed a smile, but it had no effect on her severe expression. “I know you’re just trying to comfort me about our verdicts. I refuse to be pitied.”

“Comfort and pity are two very different things. But anyway, it wasn’t either of those things.” He gave an easy shrug “To be honest, I’m just a little bored. It’s weird not having any work to do during the day.” 

Mikoto couldn’t remember the last time in his life he’d had so many hours to himself. A lot of the others were fun to play games with. A few of the sportier prisoners helped him stay active. He enjoyed smoking breaks with the other men. Still, he was left to his own devices for the majority of his time. It was maddening. He’d recently requested some more art supplies, having used up the last batch, but they had yet to come in. Now with the verdict announcement, he wasn’t sure they’d ever arrive.

“That is your own problem. I already have something to do.” Her eyes lingered on the cards for the briefest of moments before returning to the book. “I told you, I’m not in the mood for it.”

Regardless of her hostility, he took a seat beside her. He leaned his arms out on the table. “We don’t have to play the same game.” The last time they'd played as a big group, several prisoners pulling the tables together to fit everyone. Amane had kept very quiet, eyes darting around at the cards as she tried to keep up with the rules. Not many of the others noticed the frustration clear in her face. Mikoto wasn’t the type to let her win out of pity, though he had begun to mutter the rules and strategies to himself a bit more as the night went on… 

“Is there a game you liked to play at home?”

 “No. There was no time for games in the house.” 

“All work and no play… hah… I know what that’s like.” He slumped his cheek onto his arm, lazily shuffling the cards around. He felt bad for bothering the girl if she truly was upset. He thought it was the bad experience that made her reject him, he hadn’t realized there were also family issues attached. Usually he could read people well; maybe he was losing his touch. He seemed to be losing touch with a lot of things, these days.

He readied a game of solitaire. 

“Mikoto?” Amane kept her face turned away. “There was… one game.”

“Yeah?” Mikoto shuffled the cards back together. He slid them over to her. “You should teach me!” 

She didn’t touch them. “You probably already know it.”

“Nah, I only know a few games. I’m better with tarot cards, though those aren’t really the gaming type. Come on, what is it?”

She told him the name of the game, insisting it wouldn’t be worth playing. She kept her attention on the textbook, but her eyes weren’t reading any of it. 

“Ahh, I’ve heard of that one! We start with four cards, right?” He started dealing them out.

“No, five –” she pointed to the deck, urging him to add two more. 

“Right, right.” He laughed lightly. “And the goal is to get pairs, and put them in a pile, uhh, here.”

Amane shook her head. She shifted her body slightly towards him. “You must be thinking of a different game. There’s actually three piles for pairs. One here, one here, and when it’s your opponent’s turn…” 

Her eyes gleamed as she explained the rules. She pointed to various cards, telling him exact moves and point values. “And to win, you need to –” Her expression shifted. “You… you already knew all this.”

“Of course not!” He put on his most convincing smile. 

She deflated. “You’re not a very good liar.”

“Tch, tell that to the warden.”

His shoulders sagged along with her. If Amane could see right through him, why was the rest of Milgram still coming up with stories about what he did and didn’t do? “Well, I might already know the rules, but it’s been a long time since I’ve played. You can still give me a hand. Plus, if you really are in such a bad mood, it’ll be good to take a break from your studies. You should always take a break when things get too overwhelming, yeah?”

She gave him a withering stare.

“Eh? What’s that face for?”

“Alright, let’s play. You can go first.”

“I mean it, what was that look? Aw, come on…”

[dr-trafalgar-law]

Trafalgar Law X CisFem Reader

6

"Are you ready to tell me why I've been honored with such an abrupt visit?" the impossibly tall blond turned from the single cup coffee maker to hand Law a fresh brew.

He'd arrived agitated that morning and announced his stay with his adopted father without explanation. Rosinante didn't mind of course, he'd always welcome a visit from his only son, however Law seemed troubled and completely shut down. His father was hoping after some rest he'd be more willing to speak.

"How hard is it to file a petition against marrying your match?" the raven asked keeping his steel gaze fixed on the mug in front of him.

"Very," replied his father taking a seat, "what's happened? I know you aren't particularly fond of the law but you and F/N had been getting along recently."

"She's made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want this." he sighed, "Not that I do either. It would just be easier if she was less resistant."

"Well, part of a relationship is working through such issues, yeah?"

Law scoffed, "I don't even know what the issues are."

Rosinante hummed thoughtfully, "Have you even addressed her resistance?"

"It's all surrounding her ex. They were together quite a while."

"That is difficult." the blond nodded, "She isn't over it?"

Law sighed heavily and shifted uncomfortably.

"She met up with him while I was on my shift last night."

Rosinante blinked, it seemed this actually bothered Law on a deeper level, though he knew right now he wouldn't get him to admit that.

"You don't think she slept with him?“ he asked the question before running the thought through the proper filters.

Law's eyes sharpened on the cup in his hand, "That's what it usually means when someone comes home reeking of another's cologne."

His tone was more bitter than intended.

"Did you ask her?"

Ok that was a stupid question.

"N-not directly," Law stammered over his father's bluntness, "she claimed he was having a crisis and then immediately had an anxiety attack. I told her we'd deal with it today."

"And here you are not dealing with it." Rosi scolded.

"You don't understand. Your condition allowed you to bypass this messy forced relationship bullshit." Law was losing his patience.

"Though I did get to forgo the forced relationship, as you call it, don't forget I have been in a relationship or two of my own. Communication is important, even if it's unpleasant or inconvenient." he rubbed Laws shoulder affectionately, "Besides you were actually starting to like her, right?"

Law shifted away from his father and glared at his teasing face, "Not even a little."

____________

"Do you mind?" the freckled male cocked his chin at your cousin.

"I clearly know all of the dirty secrets so, yeah I mind." Zoro straightened up in his seat.

"Down boy." you muttered, "Close the door we can chat in front of him."

Ace cast a wary glance at your cousin, still puffed up in his seat, before entering the room completely and closing the door behind him.

"Look, before you even start, I already told Marco I wasn't going to get involved," you leaned back in the office chair, "don't waste your breath."

"We don't think it's his either." he confessed sliding into the chair next to your cousin.

"Well it's not mine." you scoffed making Zoro chuckle.

Ace deadpanned, "Look if we can prove she's been fooling around then he can divorce her and we can petition for you to marry instead."

"Can you please stop filling her with false hope?" Zoro sneered.

Your chest felt tight. Why couldn't you just move past all of this crap with Marco? He was married and you'd been matched - and actually matched with someone considerate of your feelings and mental health.

"They were perfect for each other. This isn't false hope, we could make it happen." Ace argued.

"She needs to move on." Zoro scooted forward, "You guys need to let her go."

"Does she want to move on? She willingly met up with him in the middle of the night."

Both men looked at you as you stared through them, eyes glossed over.

"I- it doesn't work that way." it was hard to get the words out.

"So you're saying you don't love him?" Ace asked.

"... Of course I do." you paused, "I...I just can't."

"You should probably go." your cousin stood puffing out his chest.

Ace rose waving his hands innocently glancing around Zoro at you, "Just think about it ok?“

The room fell silent while your cousin tried to calm himself.

Your phone pinged.

Law: Won't be home tonight.

"You all just need to learn to leave well enough alone." Zoro scolded turning from the closed door.

"This is well enough?" you snapped up from locking your phone not bothering to respond to your fiance.

He deadpanned, "You know what I mean, F/N. It just gets hard to see you like this."

"I'm trying." you voiced weakly.

"Are you?" he shot you and incredulous glare, "Meeting up with him in the middle of the night in a place you used to sneak off to? C'mon."

"I don't know what I was thinking." you lowered your head.

"Why else would you go? You were hoping something would happen." he accused.

You pouted feeling tears well up.

Zoro's expression softened as he moved to pull you into a hug, a gesture he reserved for very few people.

"I'm sorry. I guess tough love won't work this time."

You shook your head, "I really am trying."

_______________

It was 3:20AM and you were sitting on the sofa glued to the latest season of The Great British Baking Show when you heard keys clang against the door. Law hadn't been home in three days, you assumed sleeping at the hospital.

When texted if he was alright the only response was 'Yes' and that was that.

Quietly he entered, both of you tensing in each other's presence. You stubbornly kept yourself from turning to meet his most likely indifferent gaze as he crossed to his room stopping before turning the knob.

"We'll talk tomorrow." his voice was soft and calm but firm.

You swallowed past the lump that had formed in your throat and croaked out an embarrassingly weak, 'ok'.

Once on the other side of his door he took a deep breath to calm his racing heart.

He despised that feeling.

[idabbleincrazy]

We Make Our Own Destiny: Ageless

Fandom: Smallville

Rating: T (E overall)

Pairing: Clex

Characters: Clark, Lex, Lana Lang, Martha Kent, Jonathan Kent, Sheriff Adams, Dr. Harden (borrowed from Stray), Karen and Tanner (Evan's parents)

Word Count: 4848

Warnings: canonical death of a one-off character, fluff, angst, mentions of Lillian's mental illness, mentions of infanticide, Lex is already being a better father than Lionel ever was

Summary: Clark, Lex, and Lana find an abandoned baby in a smoking crater. Lex opens up to Clark about his regained memories.

A/N: bear with me as I find my Lana-voice. Also, I added to the Karen/Tanner scene since I wanted to better show their side of things. They were high school seniors, just like Clark and Lana, and yet are immediately vilified within this and Tanner's later scenes for the simple hormone-driven mistake they made of having sex without protection while drunk. They were just one episode characters, but they were treated shamefully for characters that are still just kids. I wanted to make that much more clear than the show bothered to. And remember, always use protection if neither you nor your partner is completely medically cleared of STD's, or if there is a chance of you getting pregnant without planning for it. I know most of my fics don't bother with condoms, but that is because usually, either one, or both of the pairing is canonically non-human and incapable of catching or spreading disease, or getting pregnant/impregnating.

6:45 P.M., Talon

"Thanks again, Lana. I can't believe the garage won't be able to get the tire in until Tuesday, even with me paying for priority shipping." Lex plopped himself elegantly down in the booth across from where Lana and Clark were huddled over a textbook. He'd really been looking forward to being able to spend some time alone with Clark on the ride home, but a blowout had seen that plan go sailing out the window. He had spent the last couple hours dealing with the mechanic and calling Metropolis' Porsche dealership to try and persuade them to find a way to at least overnight the high performance tire he required, to no avail. Lex sipped at his latte, watching the two teenagers and trying not to let his jealous tendencies get the better of him. Clark was his, even if Lana wasn't completely aware of that fact yet. "You're sure I won't be impeding on your study session? I wouldn't want either of you to suffer on your finals.

Lana shot him a bright smile, grateful for his concern, even if it was unnecessary. 

"Really, Lex, you're more likely to get bored watching us read over our notes than we are to be distracted by the addition of one more person in this place."

It was true that the Talon was in full swing, high schoolers milling around in varying groups, preparing for the upcoming end-of-term exams. He was surprised that the volume of chatter was so subdued, given the sheer press of bodies in the booths and spread around the mid-row tables. Much less rowdy than the Excelsior crowds had ever been, even in the school library. Though, it was lucky his new lover seemed to be such a great multitasker with an already exceptional innate intelligence, otherwise he'd worry about Clark's G.P.A. slipping as the boy tried to rope him into a game of footsie beneath the table. 

"If you're sure. Remember, if you need any help, I was studying Grad Chem before my father decided it was time to take up the mantle."

Lex felt a wave of sympathy and warmth from Clark, and sat back in the booth, making sure not to let his gaze linger on the tall brunette for longer than typical. They'd always had a certain level of focus on each other, even in public, before they had admitted to their feelings; a change in that ratio, one way or the other, could alert any watchful eye to their change in circumstance, which could lead to questions neither of them were quite ready to field. Keeping their relationship a secret from the public for the time being would take a carefully cultivated vigilance. And Clark keeping his appendages to himself.

9:00 P.M., Outskirts of town

Two teenagers, Tanner and Karen, are driving down main street into town, Tanner speeding down the dark and empty road while Karen yells into her cell phone. Her stomach is rounded with late-term pregnancy, skin flush from strain and sweat, clearly in labor.

"No, you don't understand, I need help now! Please, you have to help us. No, there isn't enough time. Aah!"

She screams as the pain shoots through her, and Tanner grabs the phone away from her, trying to get them there on time.

"What the hell is the matter with you people?! This is an emergency!" He never meant for this to happen. It was just one drunken night, one little mistake. Why didn't he take the condoms he had sitting in his drawer? "Please!"

"It's too late! It's too late!" 

Karen curls forward around her stomach as it starts to emit a white glow of light. The pain is unbearable, she feels like she's going to explode. It isn't supposed to feel like this, is it? It's definitely not supposed to be this fast. At least, that's not what they were taught in health class. 

"It's coming! Tanner!"

Tanner sees the glow and drops the phone. Panicking, he swerves the car off the road and into Evans Field,  screeching to a stop. He can't. He can't deal with this. He's too young, he barely even knows her. He's not ready for this.

"Oh, my God! What's happening to me? Tanner, please, help. It hurts!"

The glowing light gets brighter as her stomach starts to convulse. The pain ratchets higher, and she begs Tanner to do something, anything. He grabs for the door handle, unable, unwilling, to stay. 

"I'm sorry!"

He scrambles out of the car and runs away. There's nothing he can do, anyway, or that's what he tells himself. 

"No! No, don't leave me, please!" Karen shrieks out in pain as she feels her insides tearing, rending. This is it. The glow becomes so bright that it nearly fills the whole field, and Karen screams in agony. Amongst the physical pain, is a sharp thread of regret that she won't get to see the baby, a love for it that she can't deny even as it kills her. A blast of energy spills out over the street.

Lana slams on the brakes as a rippling light waves out across the road, Clark and Lex bracing their hands on the dash as the SUV rocks against the sudden stop. 

"Lana, are you alright? Lex?"

"I'm fine. Lana?"

"Yeah. What was that?"

"I don't know. I think it came from Evans Field."

The trio clamber out of the vehicle, running to the field. They find themselves at the edge of a large dip in the field, looking for all the world like a bomb crater. They look around, for survivors, for answers, but all they can see is smoke. Suddenly, the sound of a baby crying drifts out from the center of the smoke.

"Oh, my God."

Lana takes off her scarf and runs into the crater. Clark and Lex follow her, Lex's adrenaline sharp and high. 

"Lana!"

"Wait, Lana!"

Lana scrambles through the dirt and picks up the baby, wrapping him in her scarf. The crying stops almost instantly, little pudgy face staring up at them as they look at each other in wonder and confusion.

"Come on, we can't do anything here. I don't think there's anyone else left, whatever did this…it's amazing this little one survived." Lex urged the teens out of the crater, helping Lana up without jostling the bundle cradled in her arm. "We need to get him to the hospital. Clark, you okay to drive? I need to call the sheriff."

Clark nods, still dazed, and the three of them quickly make their way back to the car. Lex bundles Lana and her squirming armful across the back seat, sitting next to them as Clark climbs up into the driver's seat. As the tires squeal against asphalt, Lex leans over to look at the infant, his head swirling with memories. Pushing down the tug on his heart, he pulls out his cell and dials.

*******Somebody Saaaaaave Meeeeee********

As they rush into the emergency room, Lex urges Clark to fall behind with him as Lana is ushered into an examination room with the baby.

"Clark, I want you to know, if this baby isn't…human…if the doctors find anything different about him, I'll do whatever it takes, bribe whoever I have to, to make sure no harm comes to him." Sure, there was no ship in sight, no hail of fiery meteors trailing in the newborn's wake, but images of that fateful Halloween day in 1987 flash through Lex's mind. "Even if we have to abscond with him, we'll find him somewhere safe. Find someone who will take him in, love him like the Kents love you. I won't let him be taken away to some lab somewhere."

Clark barely resists the urge to pull Lex into his arms, to pour all his love and gratitude into a deep kiss. He was stupid for thinking he ever had any reason to fear Lex finding out the truth about him. Instead, he let the emotions seep into the bond, gracing Lex with a watery smile as they followed after Lana and the pediatrician. 

Sheriff Adams met them at the hospital shortly after they arrived, Clark's parents close on her heels as she waved the two men out of the private room into the hallway. Martha casts them a cursory glance and smile before slipping past them into the room to assist Lana with the baby.

Jonathan, Clark, and Lex follow Sheriff Adams a short way down the hall before she turns to face them. Her all-business gaze zeroes in on Clark immediately, even though it was Lex who officially placed the emergency call.

"Last time I checked, babies don't just fall out of the sky, Mr. Kent."

Clark was bristling. The woman always had it out for him, even when most of the time, he was the one who saved the day.

"It left a 30-foot crater, Sheriff. How else would you explain it?"

"Well, I can't. That's why we're conducting a little something called an investigation." 

"What's gonna happen to the baby now, Sheriff," Jonathan interjects, not caring for the sheriff's sarcasm. Once again, he found himself wishing things with Ethan hadn't gone so awful. 

They start heading back towards the exam room, Adams admitting defeat in the lack of evidence. 

"Well, he'll be placed with child services until we find a home for him." She stops walking and turns to Clark. For once, a warm look smooths her stern features. "You did good for a change, Mr. Kent. The little critter wouldn't be alive if not for you. You too, Luthor, it’s a refreshing change of pace to have you calling over a foundling tyke, rather than some miscreant who’s out for your blood. Was starting to feel like we’re little more than your personal protection team."

Lex nods silently with a wan smile, and Clark can't help his nose wrinkling in distaste at the term critter and her snide dig at Lex as she turns and walks back towards the information center. He looks over at Lex fleetingly and pulls his dad aside. It's troublesome that even though Lex knows about his heritage, his dad doesn't know that Lex knows, making it still necessary for there to be a semblance of a veil of secrecy. Thankfully, Lex seems to take the hint and waits by the door.

"Dad, this baby's parents, I don't think they're from around here."

"What do you mean? You think the baby's...the baby's not from Earth?"

Clark shrugs, not knowing what else to think given the evidence.

"We found him in a crater, just like you and mom found me."

"Yeah, but when we found you, we also found a spaceship. The truth is we don't know what happened on that field."

Clark concedes the point, and the three men head back to the exam room to check on Martha, Lana, and the baby. The very loud, fussy baby.

"Hi." Jonathan shuts the door quietly behind them and steps up beside Martha, watching Lana rock the swaddled infant to no avail.

"Hi, honey."

"I've tried everything, but he won't stop." Lana's voice is strained with worry, despite the doctor's assurances.

"Is he okay?" Clark and Lex fall in beside her, drawn in inexplicably.

"If you can believe it, all this crying is a good sign." Martha shakes her head with a slight shrug. "The doctor said he's perfectly healthy."

"I'm gonna go talk to the nurses, find out if we can get some more formula. Here, Clark, you take over."

Lana turns to hand him the baby.

"Me?" His voice squeaks slightly, nervous as he tries to back away.

"Yeah."

"Well, I... Lana, I don't really…"

Lana manages to ease the baby into Clark's arms and the crying stops immediately. Lex pats Clark's shoulder comfortingly.

"Wow. Looks like someone has the magic touch." 

Clark smiles over at him, and looks down at the newborn, a strange tug pulling at his heart.

"I'll be right back." Lana strokes the infant's head and heads out the door, easing the latch shut quietly as she leaves the room.

"When does Child Services come and take him?" His eyes still haven't left the little baby's now peaceful face.

"They're not," Martha sighs, wrapping the blanket more snuggly around the baby's feet. "They don't have room for him yet, so he's going to stay in the hospital until they do."

"He can't stay in the hospital. I mean, he... maybe he can come stay with us."

Martha looks at Jonathan. He can see the look in her eyes, so reminiscent of the day they found Clark, and knows the battle is already lost.

"Until they find room for him." Clark looks down at the baby who stares back up at Clark drowsily. "Please?"

"If it's space you're worried about, the little guy is more than welcome at the mansion." Lex doesn't know why he's so compelled to offer. "I believe some of the old nursery room furnishings are still packed away somewhere, and I can have someone pick up diapers, formula, whatever you need, within an hour."

Jonathan sighs, outnumbered, and lets out a soft chuckle. This should make for an interesting couple days, and honestly, he's pleasantly surprised by Lex's enthusiasm to help care for the stray. 

"Alright, I know when I've been beat. Let's go find Lana, and the doctor, and see if there's any paperwork that needs filling. He'll stay at the farm with us." Jonathan turned his attention to Lex. "But, it would be great if you could find a passable crib, we never needed one when we adopted Clark."

Lex smiled, grateful for the easy acceptance of his offer of help, and pulled out his phone. 

"On it."

Clark and the Kents sought out Lana, the tiny baby now fast asleep in the protective embrace of Clark's arm, and found her taking a box of formula and extra bottles. The pediatrician passed behind them, and Jonathan snagged her attention.

"Dr. Harden, we were wondering if perhaps it would be okay if we let the baby stay with us until Child Services has room?"

"Volunteering for another stray, Mr. Kent?" There was a smile on the doctor's face. She remembered how well they'd handled Ryan a few years back, and had actually considered asking them to take this one in, herself. The baby was healthy enough that it was unnecessary for him to stay in the maternity ward, where less attention would be paid to its emotional needs. "I've already got the paperwork pulled up. Come on."

Dr. Harden ushered Jonathan and Martha into her office and Clark made his way back to Lex as Lana changed course and headed out to the parking lot with the baby formula. She'd wanted to talk with Clark, but something niggled at her, urging her to give Lex and Clark a moment of privacy. She wasn’t sure where she stood with Clark anymore; since she’d ended things with Jason, she had been unsure of whether she wanted to pursue anything with Clark yet, not really  wanting him to be little more than a rebound, and now she wasn’t sure if he still wanted to try to give their relationship another go, especially with college just a few months away, and neither of them certain they would even be living in the same city anymore. In short, her feelings were just one confusing mess. 

"Hey," Clark tapped Lex gently on the shoulder just as he snapped his cellphone shut. "Everything settled?"

Lex turned his head towards Clark, his eyes scanning over the brunette and the bundle held safely in the crook of his arm. There was an odd contentment settling between them, and Lex had an unexpected flash of a future he never knew he wanted; him and Clark, standing close together over a crib, staring down at a chubby cheeked little boy with a thick pate of dark brown hair and silvery blue eyes, Clark humming a lullaby as the baby fell asleep. Blinking, he pushed the revelation aside, noticing concern starting to color Clark's expression as he waited for an answer.

"Of course. The delivery should arrive at the farm within a couple hours. My driver will be here soon so I can go see if Julian’s crib is still in the mansion. If only getting my tire had been so easy."

Clark smiled and looked back down at the baby.

“Yeah, but then we might not have found this poor li’l fella. I guess everything kinda does happen for a reason.” Clark looked around and, seeing the coast was clear, he leaned over and pressed his lips to Lex’s in a swift kiss, his free hand cupping his cheek. “I didn’t get a chance to tell you earlier, but thanks for what you said; about if the baby turned out to be like me? It means a lot.”

Lex shook his head, brushing off the appreciation casually. A twinge of guilt flashed through him as he thought about the meteor mutants he still had down in 33.1, and he strove to keep the emotion from escaping through the bond. He wanted to shut down the experiments going on in Cadmus, but it was going to take time, especially if he didn’t want his father finding out about it until it was too late.

“It’s nothing, Clark. I know you think you’re the last of your kind, but, if it turned out there was another, out there somewhere, I wouldn’t want you to lose that link to your heritage. You may not be human, but you’re still a person, a living sentient being, and you don’t deserve to be treated like some kind of science project. No one does.”

Lex felt an overwhelming surge of love flow through the bond, but before he could respond to it, he noticed the Kents striding around the corner. He eased out of Clark’s loose embrace before Jonathan noticed, quirking his head behind them.

“Looks like they’re finished.”

“Alright, boys, everything’s all set.” Jonathan’s arm wound around Martha’s waist as they stopped in front of the two young men. He couldn’t help but smile at the way Clark’s gaze kept wandering to the swaddled newborn in his arms, wondering if the teen even realized how enraptured he seemed to be. “You ready to head home, son?”

“Actually, could I head back to the Manor with Lex? I thought I could help him with the baby furniture.” 

“Sure, honey”, Martha smiled softly at them, the image of the two and the baby one she wondered if she’d ever see again. Even if the two of them stayed together as long as she suspected they would, would they ever have this, for real? Tentatively, she stepped forward to take the baby. And handed it right back as he began squalling immediately. “Goodness, guess he’s really grown attached to you.” 

“I’ll take him with me, we’ll manage. Meet you back at the house in about an hour?”

Martha and Jonathan handed over the bag of diapers the doctor had given them and the group headed out of the hospital, Clark and Lex waving them off as Lex’s town car pulled up to the entrance.  

Back at the mansion, Lex led the way to the set of rooms the staff used as storage. It didn’t take long to find the boxes that were full of the old toys and clothes that had so shortly belonged to little Julian. Pulling the protective covering off the barely used crib, Lex couldn’t fight back the melancholy that settled over him, and was unsurprised when Clark stepped up behind him and pulled him into a one-armed embrace. 

“Wanna hold him?”

Lex was grateful for Clarks tact, the lack of prodding making him want to open up for once. He turned in Clark’s hold, and carefully took the baby from him, surprised when he didn’t even stir. 

“Guess he likes you, too.”

Lex stared down at the newborn in his arm, his free hand trailing fingers gently over the perfect, sleeping face. 

“I never told you, what I found out from the Summerholt treatments.” Lex tore his gaze away from the baby to meet Clark’s widening, curious eyes. “I didn’t kill him. Julian. I thought I had, but my mind was misremembering things.”

“Oh. Oh, Lex.”

“I let my father think I had done it, to protect my mother.”

“Your mother killed Julian?”

“She smothered him in his crib. She had been suffering from postpartum depression, she wasn’t exactly in her right mind. I think she thought it was an act of mercy; I had overheard her arguing with my father while she was pregnant, she wanted to terminate. Didn’t want my father using him as just another pawn, pitting the two of us against each other in his mind games. Like he tried to do with Lucas and I.”

Clark wrapped his arms more securely around Lex, taking care of the infant, and guided Lex’s head down to his shoulder. He tried to convey the intense love he felt for him through their connection. He really needed to head back to the caves and ask the AI how this whole soulmate thing actually worked. Lex's voice was soft, muffled against his shirt, but he heard it clear.

"The night Julian died, I was coming up the stairs with a tray of cookies and cocoa, a bottle for Jules. He'd been colicky that week, and the crying has been stressing Mother out, and I thought the hot cocoa would help her sleep. I was barely past the first landing when I heard his crying cut off suddenly. I just dropped the tray and ran up to his nursery. She turned to me, the pillow still in her hands. I don't think she even realized what she'd done, she just thought he was sleeping.

I knew I had to protect her from Father. Lionel would have killed her, so I let him think I had done it. I knew, as his only heir, he would punish me, set out a whole new slew of demented games, but he wouldn't get rid of me. When her heart gave out, I sanctified Lillian in my mind, I believed the lie I told my father. Less than a year later, I was at Excelsior, and I'd had my first breakdown."

Clark blinked back the tears he felt blurring his sight as Lex's pain and sadness coursed through him, feeling a wet spot begin to sink through his shirt where Lex's head lay. Gently pulling away, he took the sleeping baby from Lex's arms and set him in the crib. After he was sure the infant wouldn't start fussing, he turned back to Lex, tear tracks glistening down his cheeks in the dim lamplight. He’d never seen Lex cry, not once in the five years he’d known him. 

"Thank you, for telling me." Not really sure what else to say, and sensing Lex wasn't really expecting him to discuss it further anyway, Clark pulled him back into a hug, nudging Lex's chin up to capture his lips in a kiss whose only goal was to comfort.

It was funny, every kiss prior to finding the mysterious infant, even the one they'd snuck up in the Talon's office earlier that day, had sparked a heat of lust in his gut that he had to fight down. Now, he just felt the love shared between them as their lips moved slowly together, content with just this, no hurried need to strip and touch. It was nice.

When they broke apart, Clark wiped away the dampness staining Lex’s cheeks, smiling at him to dismiss the tentative shame he saw in the older man’s gaze; he could only imagine the ways Lionel handled these kinds of displays of emotion. Clearing his throat, Clark stepped back and picked up the baby.

“C’mon, Lex, I think it’s been long enough now that I can get this stuff loaded up without Lana getting curious or my Dad worrying whether I used my abilities in front of you.”

Lex nodded, leaning up to press an appreciative kiss to Clark’s cheek, and took the baby so Clark could start speeding around the room, packing the items he thought would be needed into a large moving box. 

“Think your father will finally let you keep the truck, now that it’s four years old?”

“You still have that?”

“Of course. I figured, once you headed off to college, you would need some form of transportation. It’s got great mileage.”

“Lex.”

“We can use it to transport the crib in one piece so you don’t have to worry about setting it up again.” Lex stepped up to where Clark was hefting the box into a better hold. “Let me worry about convincing your dad. You take the stuff down to the garage, the truck’s down at the back of the lot, keys are in the glove box. I’m going to go pack a few things, I think I should stay over to help with the little one.”

"You do realize, even if Lois takes one look at the li'l fella and high-tails it back to Chloe's, you're going to have to slum it on a tiny little twin bed?"

"I managed just fine before, Clark. I'd rather stay close to the baby, and you, just in case. Just because the doctor didn't find anything abnormal, doesn't rule out meteor mutation." Lex led the way out the door as Clark set the box in the crib and picked it up carefully. "I really think we should tell your father that I know your secret, even if we don't tell him about our relationship, Clark. It would make things a lot easier if I didn't have to pretend ignorance around him."

Clark conceded that it would be a lot less hassle, but he wasn't sure his Dad would take it as well as he had Pete finding out. So, he hedged.

"We'll see, Lex. Let's see how he handles you being around the farm for an extended period of time again, first, then we'll discuss it."

Lex nodded in resignation and the two set off down opposite ends of the hallway, Lex heading off to his room to pack a bag.

Nestling the tiny infant among the pillows at the head of his bed, making sure he wouldn't roll over, Lex quickly gathered up a couple days change of clothes into a large holdall, along with some toiletries. Of course, Clark had finished loading the truck first, so he had the brunette watch the baby while he slipped out to his office to grab his laptop and charger, stuffing them into the travel case before returning to his room. 

Stopping in the doorway, he observed Clark with the baby, a pang of regret washing over him that they might never have this together. 

"Hey, I felt that." Clark looked up from his spot on the bed, the newborn tucked into the crook of his arm as he rocked him back to sleep. “Y’know, you could always find a surrogate if you wanted to pass on the Luthor name.”

“It wouldn’t be the same though,” Lex sighed wistfully. “And since marriage between same-sex couples isn’t recognized in Kansas, only one of us would be able to adopt a child as a single parent.”

“Maybe laws will change for the better by the time I’m done with school and have a career going. If not, we could always move somewhere that’s a little more open-minded.”

“I don’t know why it’s bothering me, children aren’t even something I’ve ever really wanted. I don’t exactly have the best example of fatherhood to learn from.” Lex shook his head, clearing away the longing that had set up in his heart. “Alright, let’s get going before they send out a search party.”

Clark stood and swapped the baby for Lex’s bags. There was a blur in Lex’s vision, making him blink rapidly to disperse the slight disorientation, and he noticed the holdall suddenly looked overly full, zipper straining. He raised an eyebrow in curiosity.

“What did you just do?”

“Just added a few things to make your stay a little more enjoyable”, Clark stated simply, flashing a sharky grin. 

“Oh, you’re devious, aren’t you, farmboy?” 

Clark chuckled as he raced ahead of Lex and the baby to the garage. He was resolved not to let this new little adventure be a continuous source of emotional turmoil for Lex, even if he had to resort to some very Lexian levels of subterfuge. 

Lex climbed into the passenger seat and buckled up, clutching the sleeping infant close to his chest, and Clark cranked the ignition. Driving out of the sprawling subterranean garage, he looked over at Lex as the typically stoic businessman started cooing at the now fussy baby. Lex may not have ever seriously considered fatherhood, but it seemed to suit him quite well. 

******

@leatafandom

[aphrodisiac-siren]

Innocence- Aemond X OC

Summary: War is an ugly thing; Something that is common knowledge to all and yet something people resort to anyway when conflicts arise. It was not something Eirlys Velaryon wanted though, nor what Aemond Targaryen wanted as well. It was a war they were dragged into, and suffering they had to endure for crimes they were innocent of.

Warnings: Smut [18+ minors DNI]

Masterlist

Part 6

It had been a few days since Aemond and Eirlys' conversation and things were slowly starting to get better between the two.

It still wasn't the same as all once was but she had started to acknowledge his presence and converse with him, so that was something Aemond considered as progress.

Yet the prince had still got Daeron to deal with. The boy didn't seem fazed at all by his older brother's threats and he most certainly didn't seem to be holding back with his advances on Eirlys.

"I should take my leave" Aemond stood up from his chair "Cole will be awaiting me at the yard"

Aemond and Eirlys had been at the library for the entirety of the morning. The prince and his princess were both reading a book transcripted in high valerian. The boy occasionally grinned with pride when Eirlys managed to perfectly translate sentences and even form grammatically accurate sentences of her own, now showcasing a lot more familiarity with the language that she previously used to struggle with.

"You should" Eirlys replied with a smile.

"Should I walk you back to your chambers?" He sweetly asked.

"You needn't bother" she politely declined his offer "I wish to stay here and read some more"

"May I get a kiss before I depart?" He smirked as he took his chance, still craving for that kiss she'd denied him days ago.

"You may not" the princess crossed her arms over her chest as she leaned forward, antagonising him further "but do keep trying my prince, maybe someday I might just give in"

"You're playing a dangerous game" Aemond jested as he chuckled at her resilience. He smiled at her one last time before he bowed "princess"

"My prince" she gave him a curt nod before he took his leave.

Once she was sure he'd left the library, she quickly rose to her feet and made her way to a certain isle as she began to scan through all of them in search of a certain book she'd eyed a few nights earlier.

She'd wished she'd have just borrowed it that very night but Aegon ended up doing it the day after and had only returned it the previous night.

A smile danced across her lips when her fingers traced the spine of the book she was on the hunt for, the old leather bind feeling rough beneath her touch.

She wasted no time in pulling the book out and away from the rest before she made her way back to her chair in the corner of the room, shielded away from most of the visitors of the library.

She skimmed through some of the pages, not quite finding what she was looking for just yet. She could feel her heart race as a certain sensation of adrenaline washed over her with an undertone of curiosity.

"Eirlys"

She quickly shut the book.

"What?" Daeron asked at her sudden change in behaviour.

"Nothing, just startled me is all" she quickly responded "Aemond has already left, if that's why you're here-"

"That's a book based on erotica" The prince calmly stated, his expression still staying emotionless "didn't think I would find you reading it"

"Is it that surprising for a woman to give into her curiosity?" Eirlys briskly questioned with a raise of her brow as she eyed the prince.

"It's the level of vulgarity used in the book that had me surprised to find you interested enough to read it" Daeron took a step forward as he momentarily eyed the book "since when have you taken an interest in such fancies"

"As I mentioned, it's purely out of curiosity" Eirlys stood up.

"The things mentioned though" he pointed at the book "I'm afraid the words will do them little justice as opposed to experiencing them for yourself, don't you agree?"

Eirlys' eyes widened as she stood there speechless when she heard him remotely suggest the idea of indulging sex rather than just merely reading about it.

"Oh don't tell me you're..." the boy trailed off before he cleared his throat, her silence giving him the answer he was looking for "you've never partaken in anything intimate have you?"

"That is none of your concern" she sharply told him, not willing to admit that she was still inexperienced. And of course there stood the fact that that bit of information was private.

"Nothing to be ashamed of" he shrugged as he fought back the urge to grin at how innocent she truly was "most men prefer a woman untouched"

"What makes you think this has anything to do with how I am to be perceived or desired by men?" Eirlys questioned with a hint of venom lacing her words, not all liking being subjected to making her decisions based on the whims and fancies of men.

"Does it have to do with my brother's negligence then?" He pried further, not taking the hint that Eirlys was not interested in prolonging this conversation any more that what was already spoken. He was so accustomed to Aegon talking about such subjects as comfortably and shamelessly as any other conversation that he didn't really understand that this was an improper topic.

"How does any of this concern you?" Eirlys asked after a pause, momentarily thinking about how she should've just gone to her chambers instead of staying back "besides, a woman of my status cannot afford to lose her virtue before she has been wed"

"Who said anything about losing your virtue" Daeron made a face at how little she knew "you needn't have to sacrifice that to lose yourself to pleasure.. have you never touched yourself?"

"I- I beg your pardon?"

Daeron stood there with his mouth agape when he realised the depth of her innocence. She knew almost nothing about intimacy with perhaps the exception of the vague idea of what a man and woman usually do on the night of their wedding.

"I see that Aemond has left you deprived" he huffed a sigh "seems as though he wants to keep you from these-"

"They're not Aemond's decisions to make" Eirlys gathered her things to leave, not wanting to talk any further on the subject "they're mine"

"Why are you still betrothed to him?" Daeron blurted out "that twat does very little to show you he feels for you"

"Hold your tongue, prince Daeron" Eirlys' tone grew dark. Of course she and Aemond had a bit of a fall out but he was still her closest friend and her betrothed. She wouldn't allow another to speak ill against him, let alone talk her out of this marriage "you forget yourself. He is your elder and my future lord husband. The next time you chose to speak his name with no regard of respect toward him, I will have your tongue for it"

Daeron grinned at her words. She'd used the very same threat Aemond had and for some reason it make him chuckle at how alike their thoughts were.

"Thought you were upset at him for how he had been treating you" he recalled the time he'd seen her crying in the library "though now it is evident that the air has been cleared out between the both of you"

"Oh and besides" she walked away from her table, making her way to the isles of books that led her to the exit "intimacy isn't the only way to express one's feelings, as you so put it"

"I agree, it isn't the only way" the boy took a step toward as he reached out to tuck a few strands of hair behind her ear, letting his hand linger as the tips of his fingers ever so slightly grazed her skin in his attempt to caress her cheek "but actions hold a lot more weight over words, wouldn't you agree, princess?"

"I shall take my leave" Eirlys simply replied as she walked past him, clutching all her books tightly.

"Page six and twenty" he called out without turning to look at her "you might find those of use"

~

"You did not" Halaena sighed with disbelief.

"I did" Daeron replied obliviously.

Daeron had told his sister Halaena about his conversation with Eirlys and how surprised he was with how very little she was educated on the topic of concern.

Halaena was taken aback by how boldly he spoke to the Valeryon princess about intimacy.

"She is so innocent" he commented with an eagerness to tell his older sister everything.

"And you're just as stupid as she is innocent" the older girl muttered "you can't question a woman or anyone else regarding such personal matters"

"But Aegon talks about it so often"

"Aegon is an idiot"

Daeron stared at his sister with disbelief with how quick she was to throw an insult at her husband as opposed to Aemond and Eirlys who would slit someone's throat if they dared to speak ill of either one of them.

He didn't understand how they could care so much about each other especially since they weren't wed yet.

Nor did he understand how they'd managed to go on so long without a single act of intimacy.

Halaena spent the rest of the afternoon giving her youngest brother a good scolding for how moronic it was of him to interrogate Eirlys about her private matters.

Daeron still failed to see what exactly was improper about his questions and Halaena had Aegon to thank for it.

Meanwhile Eirlys was busy reading the book she'd borrowed, each chapter seeming more gripping than the last.

A gentle knock on the door made her shut the book and shove it under her pillow before she shouted out a 'come in' for whoever was at the other side of the door.

As she'd expected, it was Aemond.

The boy began to ramble about his training and how much he'd improved as he walked toward her bed.

He made himself comfortable, quickly taking a pause from his ranting to assure her he had washed up and changed into a clean set of clothes.

He had his hair tied back into a bun and he lazily took off his eye patch to toss it on her side table.

Eirlys admired the older boy as he continued to ramble about how he'd almost beat Cole during his training in close combat. She watched as the corners of his lips ever so slightly curled up into a smile or how he looked at her from time to time to observe her reaction to what he was saying. How the blue of his sapphire glimmered when the light hit it just right. How he licked his lips, in between sentences, that she so desperately wanted to kiss but held herself back because of her pride.

He looked breathtaking with his hair tied back and his pale sage shirt that left some of his chest exposed. His sleeves rolled back to show off his slightly buff arms littered with a few faint scars.

Not being able to retain control over herself, she reached forward and cupped his faced with one hand, her other rested on his chest that his loose shirt had so conveniently left exposed.

Aemond's rambling was suddenly silenced and he sat there with eye wide open for a few seconds before he could fully process what was happening.

His eye fluttered shut a few moments later as his hand snaked around her waist, pulling her frame closer.

Aemond's heart began to race when he felt her fingers trace his bare skin. Her hands glided lower until she'd reached the hem of his shirt.

Eirlys hesitated for a moment but then she felt Aemond's tongue run over her bottom lip and her hand instinctively went under his shirt to feel his toned abs.

Aemond gasped into the kiss as he felt her cold hands against his abdomen before he breathed out her name.

"Eirlys"

This made the princess crave even more of him and she tugged on his shirt to beckon for him to remove it.

Aemond was hesitant at first but obliged.

He barely gave her any time to admire his physique before he crashed his lips into her again, pulling her even more closer to him.

Eirlys gingerly ran the tips of her fingers along the waist band of his trousers and that made the boy snap his eye open.

"Wait" he called out, breathless "what happened"

He knew Eirlys better than anyone. As much as she enjoyed kissing him, he knew she was still quiet oblivious to the rest of the displays of affection that involved being intimate.

Yet she was presently exhibiting to him this new found eagerness to indulge in said intimacy; and the sudden shift in behaviour had him puzzled.

"I'm confused" He told her sweetly, still holding her "why the sudden urges"

"Is it that surprising that your betrothed missed you?" Eirlys leaned in for another kiss that Aemond melted into.

He turned to his side to better face her and propped himself up on his elbow. His elbow, however pushed back the pillow he was resting on, slightly, and he felt something hard against his skin.

He broke away from the kiss to get rid of whatever was making the bed uncomfortable and picked up the pillow.

Eirlys' eyes widened but before she could snatch away whatever was under the pillow, Aemond had already caught sight of it.

"You've been reading erotica" he simply stated as he eyed the old leather bound book "that explains the new found unrest"

The girl could feel the heat rise to her cheeks and she looked away with embarrassment.

She couldn't deny that she was intrigued by whatever she'd read, perhaps even eager to experience those things for herself.

She thought about what Daeron had said, how she didn't have to give up her virtue to feel all of it and after reading those  stories she was craving that sort of sensation mentioned with descriptive and lewd words.

"Not like this Eirlys" Aemond sighed "not because you're suddenly eager to experience what you've read"

"But-"

"Only when you're truly ready" he kissed her forehead "right now your mind is just fogged up by lust and curiosity"

"I'm nearly a woman grown" she groaned with a hint of annoyance "and I'm the only one who's has yet to partake in this. Daeron said-"

"Daeron?" Aemond's tone suddenly shifted from loving to dark "what did he tell you?"

"He was just stunned by how very little I knew about matters like these" she toyed with the fabric of her dress as she told him about their encounter the day before, leaving out the part where he'd accused Aemond for  leaving her deprived of such pleasures "and if it's any consolation, I don't have to part with my virtue"

"You want me to.." Aemond pinched the bridge of his nose to suppress his anger. Daeron had no business nor right trying to persuade her with getting intimate "only because my brother questioned you about it? It's not even his place to do so!"

"I know" Eirlys held his hand in an attempt to have him calm down "but I'm not asking this of you solely because he brought it up"

"Did he give you the book too?" The prince asked, ready to march to his brother's room and push him out the balcony if Eirlys said yes.

"No" she looked at their hands "that was something I was eager to read without the influence of anyone"

Aemond took a deep breath before exhaling slowly.

He was tempted of course, to kiss her some more and then pleasure her between her legs. He'd relieved himself multiple times by thinking of her and he deep down did have the urge to rip her dress off and devour every inch of her.

But he knew in that moment her thoughts were influenced by another and she was making her current decision only because someone else had pointed out to her that she was far too innocent.

Aemond liked that about her, infact that was something he still wanted to protect. However, if she did want him to get on his knees for her he would, but he wanted that command to escape from her lips only when she desired it and not because it was a momentary rush of emotions that washed over her after she'd read a lewd book or influenced by an annoying younger brother.

He couldn't and wouldn't act on such an impulsive request.

The last thing he wanted was for her to later feel uncomfortable or regret. He wouldn't let her go through any of it and worse, be the cause of it.

"Not like this" he repeated himself as he squeezed her hand gently before bringing it up to his lips to plant a kiss.

~

It had almost been a week since Eirlys had borrowed that book from the library and since she'd read it now, she didn't have any reason to hold on to it much longer.

She went back to the library, as she did on most days after supper, and walked toward the same shelf she'd retrieved the book from.

The large leather bound book slid back into its place amidst the other old books on the shelf.

And now even though she was somewhat aware of the book's contents, Eirlys knew she was still a stranger to the things mentioned within the pages.

The distant sound of footsteps had her turn around toward the direction of the sound to find herself making the acquaintance of Daeron.

"Princess" he gave her a curt nod.

"Daeron" she greeted him back.

"I uh" the boy nervously cleared this throat as he nervously glanced around "I wish to formally apologise to you about the way I... the things I asked you about... that day I-"

"I know" she gave him a small smile as she recalled him referring to his questions about her inexperience with sex and intimacy.

"Aegon speaks of it so often and with such normality that I never thought of it as an improper topic" he went on with a nervous chuckle "Halaena gave me a good smack to the back of my head alongside a few words counselling me on how to talk to a lady"

Eirlys smiled to herself upon thinking about the mental image of Halaena giving him a whack.

"It was wrong of me to pry on such personal matters. Again, apologies" he pressed his lips into a line before proceeding to talk again after a long pause "d-does my brother know of our conversation?"

"He does" Eirlys simply replied.

"It's a wonder I'm still in one piece" Daeron sighed playfully as he rolled his eyes "I'd expect him to take my head off in my sleep"

"That's an act of cowardice, where's the honour in that?"

Daeron looked puzzled at first before Aemond stepped ahead from behind one of the bookshelves, holding a small book in his hand.

"If I had to kill you" Aemond continued nonchalantly "I'd do it in broad daylight where everyone can see"

"You'd kill your brother, your blood, because he exchanged words with your woman?" Daeron raised a brow.

"Oh you did far more than just exchange mere words. No, you somehow managed to make her question her disinterest in the subject at hand" Aemond shut the book he was reading "what did you expect? That she'd all of a sudden crave it so bad that she'd run to you?"

Eirlys' eyes widened at the sudden turn this conversation had taken.

"No I did not" Daeron snapped "I knew you were depraving her of it. I merely wanted to point out what she was missing out on. And if she did come to me, I wouldn't have minded, someone has to be the one who keeps her happy"

It barely took a second for something to snap inside Aemond.

He abruptly threw his book to the ground, rather carelessly before he caught Daeron by his collar and shoved him against one of the shelves.

"Aemond..." Eirlys took a few steps toward him, in hopes to talk him out of acting out of anger.

"You dare speak of defiling my betrothed" Aemond's jaw clenched with anger as he spoke through gritted teeth "do not take advantage of my patience you..."

"Go on" Daeron smirked shamelessly at the long pause "what were you going to say?"

"Something I will not utter in the presence of the princess" Aemond swiftly replied "I do not wish to use vile profanities in the presence of my lady"

"All you've ever done is hurt her" Daeron scoffed as he tried to push Aemond off but the younger prince did not measure up to the strength of his older brother "I've spent days listening to her talk about how unbearable each day got, I've held her each time she cried-"

"Daeron-" Eirlys tried again but was interrupted.

"Mere acts of kindness like that does not give you the right to talk of bedding her" Aemond's grasp on Daeron's neck tightened "do you realise how perverse and desperate you sound?"

"I never said I wanted to bed-"

"Boys enough!" The princess raised her voice. She did not wish for either of them to turn on each other on account of her.

The princes did cease their argument but Aemond did not let got of Daeron yet.

"Eirlys" his tone quickly shifted from cold and hostile to calm and tender as he looked over his shoulder to talk to her "leave the room"

"I do not wish to be the reason any animosity brews between you both" she looked sternly at the two of them "stop this right now"

"This isn't your doing" Aemond looked menacingly at Daeron "some people don't understand that they shouldn't meddle amidst things that do not concern them"

Daeron simply rolled his eyes in response.

"Leave us" Aemond asked Eirlys once more as he finally let go of Daeron "I wish to have a word with my brother"

Eirlys did not move. She just glanced between them both, half expecting them to suddenly break out into a brawl.

"A civil conversation I can assure you" The older boy told her when he sensed the hesitation in her to leave.

Eirlys heaved a sigh before walking out without saying anything.

The moment her footsteps faded Aemond held Daeron by the collar once again when he saw the boy sigh with relief, thinking as if Aemond was done with him.

"Have you no shame thinking about her in that way? She might not know you seek to get in between us but do you think she would even want you to begin with?" Aemond hissed "she is loving and gentle and has treated you with kindness all along. Unfortunately, I am none of those things"

"Which is exactly why you are not deserving of her" Daeron muttered.

"I meant toward you, you twat" Aemond was tempted to punch him.

"I simply want what's best for her"

"No, you simply want everything for yourself" the older boy chuckled out of mockery "everything I have gained so far, I've had to struggle and fight for. Vhagar, my title as the best swordsman... do you wish to have me fight for my right to happiness as well?"

"I have never acted with intention to make your life miserable or to plot against your happiness-"

"Eirlys is my happiness and I will not allow your momentary desire for her to form a rift in between us" he snapped "I would say I appreciate you providing comfort for her when I was absent to do so, but your intentions were not of honour"

"My princes" Cole called out from a distance, hesitant to approach whatever argument was going on between the two "you both are late for your training with the sword at the yard"

Aemond aggressively shoved Daeron away.

"I shall see you at the yard brother" he glared at the younger boy "for your sake I do hope your sword is as sharp as your tongue"

The boys did not resolve their dispute at the library and carried that anger to the training field.

And as expected, they let out their frustrations whilst they duelled which at first started out as an aggressive fight but then later turned into a violent show of display with both boys landing fatalistic blows which resulted in the involvement of the king's guard to have the princes dragged apart to put a halt to their fight.

Both Aemond and Daeron were severely hurt and were escorted back to their respective chambers whilst Criston sent for the maesters.

Eirlys was later made aware of this and immediately left whatever she was doing to check in on them, visiting Aemond first.

The boy had a deep cut on his left upper arm and a large bruise on his torso. He had another cut near his right temple that wasn't as severe but was still left uncleaned. He was lying down on his bed when she entered his chambers, his shirt and eye patch amiss. His boots were carelessly kicked to the floor and his hair was tied back messily into a bun.

The princess winced when she laid eyes upon the deep shades blues and purples of the bruise, now sprawled against his even toned abdomen.

She instinctively grabbed the bowl of water by his bed and pulled out a handkerchief to dip into the water.

"I thought you said it would be a civil conversation" she asked as she went to sit beside him on his bed and gently wiped away the dried up blood on his face.

"The conversation was civil, the dual however was not" Aemond shrugged, trying his best to not wince when she accidentally wiped against the cut "but it's nothing too alarming; just few bruises, scratches and broken arms"

"What" Eirlys' gaze snapped away from his wound and back toward him "you broke an arm? Why isn't it in a sling?"

"Well I-"

"Which arm is hurt?" She asked again as she examined both arms, hoping to figure out which was the one that was injured "which arm did you break?"

"Daeron's" Aemond nervously responded as he looked away for a moment.

"Aemond Targaryen what is wrong with you" Eirlys snapped with disbelief as she put away the bowl and now blood-stained handkerchief "he is your brother"

"I didn't do it with intent" Aemond defended himself as he sat up straight only to wince in pain because of the sudden movement "I got carried away"

"You need to have a hold over your rage" she gently placed her hand on his shoulder to urge him to lie back down on the pillows.

"I am quiet patient" he told her without any expression "but I do not tolerate anyone talking about my betrothed in the manner that he did. Brother or not I will deal with them the same way"

"I can handle things pertaining to me just fine" she sighed "now if you'll excuse me I must-"

"Do not tell me you are going to visit him" Aemond groaned in annoyance, acting like a child.

"And what if I say that I am?"

"I don't want you to" he turned to look at her as he reached out to hold her hand "stay with me, please"

This wasn't about her just visiting Daeron.

Aemond wanted her near him, especially since he'd just fought with his brother over her. He was so afraid all of a sudden of losing her all over again.

He recalled the night he'd lost his eye.

How Eirlys had held his hand as the maester stitched the wound shut.

How genuinely concerned she was of him.

And then how she left his side to stand with her brother's, one of which had taken his eye in the first place.

Even now, he was injured by his own kin and Eirlys was in thought of going to visit Daeron.

He wouldn't force her to wait, but he desperately wished she would, for once, stay by his side.

"Alright" she shifted closer to him "but no more fights"

"I can't promise you that" Aemond grinned at her "you know I would kill for you"

"You can't resort to using the sword each time someone angers you"

"Which is why I also have a dragon at my disposal" Aemond winked.

Eirlys rolled her eyes as she chuckled at his response.

"Does the king know of what happened?" She asked "that both his sons almost slit each others throats?"

"Not yet. He grows weaker by the day. I doubt mother would want to further antagonise him by giving him the news of his sons turning against each other, not that he would care" Aemond sighed as he recalled the king's diminishing health "and his memory is starting to fail him"

"Is that so?" Eirlys seemed puzzled as how his current condition could affect his memory.

"Atleast that's the conclusion I've come to. The other and only explanation being that he was never much of a father. The latter option stings" the older boy muttered "the other night I was reading to him about the histories of old Valyria and when I was done he thanked me and called me Daemon before correcting himself "

"Well he did correct-"

"And then proceeded to call me Aegon" Aemond sounded so horrified as he recalled the events "I have been maimed for life but being mistaken for Aegon was something I took a much greater offence too"

The two continued their conversation with Aemond still fondly holding on to Eirlys' hand.

~

Alicent, as soon as she was made aware of the incident that took place between her sons, was left troubled.

She wasn't aware of Daeron's fancy toward the young Velaryon princess nor did she ever think that both her sons would resort to putting each one to the blade to win her over.

This sudden rivalry between them was dangerous and if found out by the others, word would spread and could be used to divide their house further.

The wedding between Aemond and Eirlys needed to happen fast to avoid any further conflict between the princes.

She would not allow the family to be torn apart on account of the boys' desire for the princess.

She sent for her father to discuss the issue before she could talk to Aemond and Eirlys about it.

She hoped the matter of the wedding would not arise anytime soon since she was already preoccupied with matters pertaining to the king's health.

But it was clear that the wedding couldn't be delayed any further.

She brought out some parchment from her drawer and reached for the quill and ink to write down the things she would have to attend to once the preparations for the wedding ceremony were to commence.

~

It didn't take long for word to spread about the rough fight between the youngest of the Targaryen brothers.

And though the cause behind was still unclear to the others, it confirmed one thing: that the one eyed prince and his brother had come to despise one another.

Gossip like this would only spread which made the queen even more anxious and in a hurry to plan the wedding.

Aemond and Eirlys were still not aware of the rest of the family already in preparations for their wedding ceremony.

To them it was any other evening after supper.

Eirlys had retired herself from the court and the rest of the family to bathe.

She had been practising archery followed by a bit of swordplay, courtesy of Aemond, and then circled the castle on Ember.

She had the servants help her out of her dress and undo her braids before she stepped into the large tub of hot water and some expensive oils awaiting her. She scrubbed away the dirt and basked in the fragrance that the oils provided.

Once she had gotten out of the bath and dried herself, she slipped into the comfort of one of her many silk nightgowns. She put away her dainty jewellery, that she'd worn for the day, into the wooden box that the servants had left on her dresser before she went to bathe.

She stared at herself in the mirror, taking in the changes in her appearance. She quiet obviously looked much different that how she did when her mother left for Dragonstone. Her hair was longer in comparison, almost reaching her waist. Her face looked more sculpted.

Her eyes darted lower to gaze at the slight visibility of her cleavage. Her breasts weren't as big as she'd liked them to be, but they weren't as little either.

Her thoughts wandered off to what she'd read in that book, something she couldn't quiet seem to forget.

She'd been thinking about it too much as of late, to a point where it left her distracted from the task she was presently preoccupied with.

Earlier that day she pricked her finger while she was busy with embroidery because her mind was someplace else.

She often caught herself making up instances in which Aemond would perform on her the lewd things she'd read in the book and it made the blood rush to her cheeks before she snapped out of her daze.

Aemond hadn't given into her wants the last time and now, a number of days after, she was beginning to crave it even more.

This time she wasn't tempted to do so on account of someone else's inquiries or nitpicking.

This time she wanted it for herself.

She wanted him.

With a frustrated sigh she left her room, not bothering to drape her dress robe around her before she marched up to Aemond's chambers.

She knew he'd still be awake, probably reading one of his books on philosophy or scrolles about the histories of the realm.

She knocked on his door an impatiently waited for him.

Aemond had a hunch that it would be Eirlys awaiting him on the other side of the door, it wasn't uncommon for her to show up after supper.

Yet the reason behind this visit was something he would never have guessed.

Aemond hadn't even managed to open the door completely before which Eirlys had already proceeded to reach forward and wrap her arms around his neck as she pulled him in for a kiss.

"Good evening you you too" he grinned into the kiss as he placed his hand on the small of her back and closed the door once he'd pulled her closer to him and into his quarters.

Once the door was shut he brought his other hand to wrap around her waist, humming softly as their lips moved against each other's in sync.

"Aemond" Eirlys mumbled as she went on her toes to better reach his lips to kiss him.

She didn't know what to say, what words she could possibly string together to inform him of the unrest that blossomed within her and the ache that was starting to grow in between her legs.

The princess had never imagined that she could come to crave for something so desperately without even having a clear idea of what it felt like.

Eirlys was unsure of how to initiate anything. She waltzed in hoping that perhaps Aemond would sense whatever she was feeling but she was well aware that simply kissing him would not hint at anything since it was pretty much a norm between the both of them to simply crave and steal innocent kisses.

As expected, the prince did not seem to uncover the intent with which she'd made this visit and broke away from the kiss to guide her to his table covered with books. He seemed eager to show her one of those books and Eirlys almost didn't want to tell him about her ache that needed to be looked after the moment she saw how his face lit up with excitement as he picked up a rather slim yet old leader bound book that was a deep navy blue colour.

"...and this book has chapters that I hadn't been able to read before since few of the scrolls were amis in our library" he went on "did you know that before-"

"Aemond" Eirlys sheepishly interrupted, biting down on her lower lip nervously.

"Don't do that" he leaned in and pecked her lips in attempt to keep her from biting her own skin "Tell me, what troubles you ñuha prūmia?" (my heart)

The younger girl smiled at the endearment he'd used for her. For a reason unbeknownst to her, the usage of the valerian language to call her that seemed to make her heart race more.

"I..." she tore her gaze away from his "well I was sort of feeling something. A sort of ache, you could say, and I was hoping you would help, relieve me of it"

"Well I am no maester" the boy mumbled as he inched closer "an ache you say. Is it your time of the moon? Does your belly ache because of it?"

"No, not my belly"

"Where do you sense unrest?"

"Well" she looked away once again before she could answer "in between my legs"

"Oh"

Aemond was not expecting that at all.

That would explain the urgency to kiss him, and of course disclose the reason behind her visit. He kept his book back on the table knowing that she was not interested in it for the time being.

"Eirlys," he sighed as he held her gaze "I told you I would do it only when you are truly ready"

"But I am" she insisted "please Aemond"

Aemond could feel his heart hammering against his rib age at her choice of words laced with the tone of desperation.

The way her innocent eyes looked up at him, how she bit her lip that he wanted to capture once again with his own.

He was so tempted to give in.

"I don't want you to regret anything" he spoke softly as he inched closer to gently caress her cheek.

Eirlys rested her forehead against his, resulting in their noses touching and their lips brushing against each other's as she spoke.

"I want you" she breathed out as she rested her hands on his chest.

Aemond closed the gap in between them by pulling her in at the waist and crashing his lips onto her's.

Aemond clutched the fabric of her ivory nightgown tightly as he kissed her hungrily.

He didn't know what came over him but all of a sudden he was just as desperate as she was. Perhaps it was the smell of the oils she'd used that dulled his senses. He quiet liked her choice of scent which was of cinnamon with hints of fruit.

He trailed his kisses from her lips to her jaw, being as agonisingly slow as he possibly could.

"Tilt your head back" he softly murmured against her skin and she obeyed, enjoying the sensation of his teeth grazing against the skin near her jawline.

Aemond kissed and sucked at the skin down her neck, careful that he did not leave any marks. He did not wish for this scandalous visit to cause any trouble for her. If word of this spread, it could put to question her virtue and he did not want her to face any hardships at court.

Eirlys hummed softly as she brought her hand up to tangle in Aemond's long hair.

The prince was cautious with his advances, taking his time to initiate things so that he might not startle her.

He peppered her with kisses across her collar bone as he carefully slid the silky straps of her nightgown off her shoulders, one at a time.

Eirlys could feel her dress about to slip from her frame and instinctively brought her hands to her breasts to hold the dress in place.

"It's alright" Aemond cupped her face as he tenderly gave her assurance "it's just you and me"

She was hesitant at first, suddenly feeling shy to strip bare in front of him but then he bent down to kiss her and she melted into it and dropped her hands to her sides to let her dress fall and pool at her feet.

Aemond did not break away from the kiss instantly, he did not wish to stare and make her anymore nervous but gods knew how terribly difficult it was for him to maintain his calm composure.

Eirlys' hands slid under his shirt and he immediately rid himself of it, wanting to feel her cool skin against his.

In the momentary pause that he took to take his shirt off, he stole a glance at her bare frame and could practically feel his heart begin to race.

He pulled her close once again as he hastily pushed the books off the table.

"Sit" he instructed in a low voice.

He could feel himself harden but was in even more of a rush to taste her.

Eirlys obliged without argument and Aemond wasted no time in kissing her neck once again. His one hand held her at the waist while his other rested on her thigh. His lips traveled from her neck, down her collarbone, chest before he sucked on her left nipple.

"Aemond" the girl breathed out as she bit her lip to prevent a moan from escaping.

"Don't do that" he mumbled as he brought his other hand up to fondle her "I want to hear you moan"

He shifted from her left to her right nipple, sucking, licking and gently nibbling on it; not caring much about the marks he would leave there since that was a sight he knew only he would be seeing.

He brought his hand back on her thigh to part her legs slightly before he slid his hand up from her thigh and dangerously close to her folds.

"May I?" He asked as he looked up at her, not moving his hand any further.

The princess simply nodded but he did not oblige.

"I want you to say it Eirlys" he chuckled as he rubbed slow circles on her skin with the pad of his thumb "I wish to slide my fingers in you, may I?"

'Yes' was all she managed to say and Aemond decided that it was enough.

He slowly brought his hand to her heated core that was already pretty much soaked. He rubbed her folds slightly, letting his fingers get coated with her wetness before he slid a single finger in.

"You're wet" he groaned.

"Oh, sorry" Eirlys could feel her cheeks turning red. She quickly tried to shut her legs out of embarrassment, unaware that it was in-fact, normal.

"Don't be" he chuckled at her innocence, almost tempted to reach up and kiss her to provide assurance. Instead he just kissed her belly "it's what's supposed to happen, it's your body's way of letting me know you're enjoying this"

He pulled away to look at her.

"You are enjoying this though," he asked grimly as he slid another finger in without warning "aren't you?"

Eirlys gasped at the sensation and Aemond grinned.

He began to pump his fingers in an out of her, slowly, so that she might get used to the feeling.

He rested his left hand on her thigh before he dipped his head in between her legs. He licked a long strip from where his fingered pumped, all the way to her clit.

The prince flattened his tongue on the bundle of nerves before he began to gently suck on it, eliciting quiet a loud moan from the princess.

"Faster" she panted and Aemond could feel himself grow painfully harder in his pants.

He brought his other hand to his pants to quickly free himself as he continued to suck Eirlys.

He used his left hand to stroke himself while Eirlys continued to fill the room with the melody of her sweet moans.

She felt a foreign sensation that was hard for her to describe. It was as it the feeling hadn't quiet reached yet but she could sense it making its arrival as her body began to shudder.

The wet sounds of Aemond's fingers slamming into her wet folds while he pumped himself, occasionally humming as he sucked on her clit was driving her insane.

He too, was so close; her moaning his name made it even better than him just imagining her do it.

Eirlys' body began to spasm as she felt sparks go off within her and all of a sudden she couldn't take another stroke of Aemond's tongue against her clit even though all she felt in that moment was nothing less than pure bliss.

Aemond grunted loudly as he felt his hot semen shoot out into his hand, most of it spilling onto the stone floor.

The princess quickly brought her hand to hold his bicep in an attempt to make him stop and Aemond took the hint.

"Did I live up to your expectations?" The boy asked he wiped his hand for his trousers before he pulled them back up once again.

Eirlys looked down at him and smiled.

She was the one with absolutely no experience nor knowledge while Aemond was fairly familiar with what needed to be done and yet her prince was inquiring if he had done well to satisfy her.

Eirlys slid off the table and joined him on the cold stone floor.

She didn't know what to say nor could she even if she wanted to, and it wasn't because she was just breathless from all that moaning and constant panting of his name.

She was going through a dozen different emotions all at the same time.

In response, she simply kissed him and could feel Aemond smile against her lips.

~

Eirlys was thankful of Aemond for being considerate enough to not leave any visible marks from last night's endeavour because the marks that he did leave in places concealed within the protection of her garments, were bruised in rather bold colours of reds and purples.

She did not call for any of the maids that morning to help her get dressed. She didn't want anyone to see the painting of love bites Aemond left along the skin of her chest and areas slightly below her collarbone.

As she was readying herself she heard a knocking on the door and called out for the person awaiting to enter while she tied the strings at the bodice of her gown.

"Did you sleep well?" Aemond asked with a smug smile as he walked in.

"Wipe that smirk off your face" Eirlys rolled her eyes at him through the reflection in her mirror.

"I see your desire for me has withered away" the boy joked as he wrapped his arms around her from behind before turning the girl to face him "perhaps I ought to reignite that flame"

"Your family is awaiting us in the hall" The princess reminded as she looked up at him fondly, taking into account his height "it's annoying how tall you've grown"

"I shall keep in mind your disapproval of my growth spurt" he chuckled as he twirled the ribbons of her dress around his index finger before tugging at them. He parted the décolletage to further gain access to look at her breasts and broke into another grin when he saw the results of last night's fun "I'm quite the artist, wouldn't you agree?"

Eirlys only chuckled in response as she playfully shoved him away before turning around to face the mirror to once again tie the front of the dress.

Even though she was practically stripped down naked in front of him the night before, she still grew shy beneath his gaze.

"We can't" she reminded him once again "we need to be on time to break our fast with your family"

"I can do it in a few minutes" he placed a chaste kiss on her neck "and you don't even need to be rid of your dress"

"As tempting as it sounds, my prince" Eirlys wiggled out of his grasp and walked toward the doorway "we have to keep in mind to be responsible adults, although, I suppose that's a lot to ask of you"

"That's no way to speak to a prince" Aemond responded in a monotone voice, of course, only jesting "any other woman would have been sentenced to having her tongue cut off"

"I'm not any other woman though, I'm a princess" Eirlys grinned while she took Aemond's arm as he opened the door for her "and your future lady wife"

"Oh yes how could I forget such a curse- um blessing I meant" Aemond joked as he kept his tone serious "slip of tongue, apologies"

Eirlys chuckled at his comment as the both of them walked to the dining hall.

Breakfast went smoothly, with the exception of Aemond and Daeron's occasional exchange of death stares.

The king did not join them again that morning. The queen informed them that he was breaking his fast in his chambers once again.

"Aemond, Eirlys" Alicent called out when the rest of them were almost done eating "I need to have a word with you both after we've finished eating"

The prince and princess exchanged nervous glances. Her tone sounded sharp and serious and her expression was hard to read.

For a moment a similar thought crossed both their minds. Did someone see the princess leaving the prince's chambers during the late hours of the night? Did someone perhaps hear the princess through the walls?

"I wasn't that loud was I?" Eirlys leaned in to whisper into Aemond's ear.

"Shh" was all he said as he held her hand beneath the table before looking around at the others, not wanting them to hear their conversation.

In truth, he couldn't deny that she was rather loud for the most part but that happened only when she was about to climax. Surely no one could tell what was happening within his chambers by simply just hearing her call out his name rather loudly, right?

Daeron cast a sly glance at them and immediately took note of how quickly their body language changed.

Eirlys was suddenly breathing heavily and did not look up to meet anyone's gaze.

And while Aemond usually did always maintain a rigid and upright posture, this time there was a certain unease that radiated through him. His fist was clenched and his shoulders seemed tense.

Daeron had a feeling that the two had probably snuck off either within the castle through the passageways or perhaps out and into the city.

He turned to look at Aegon, thinking that maybe he too had partaken in leaving the castle grounds but the boy seemed to be more engrossed in his cups than whatever was happening at the table.

Once the rest had finished eating, they each took their leave with the exception of Alicent, Aemond and Eirlys.

"In truth" the queen sighed "I really didn't think I would be having this particular conversation this early-"

"I can assure you, mother, she is still chaste"

Alicent's brows furrowed in confusion as she stared at her son with a puzzled look. She quickly cast a glance to see how many cups were by his plate, just to check if he had been drinking.

"I.. I never questioned..." she shifted her gaze from Aemond to the princess "is there a reason for me to be skeptical of her virtue"

"No!" Eirlys responded, rather too quickly before she cleared her throat and lowered her voice "your grace"

"Is there something you both would like to tell me?" She raised a brow as she stared at them both "I always thought you both to be the responsible ones, but if you have indulged in... activities that aren't to be practiced before you are wed, I need to be informed right this instant"

Aemond exhaled slowly when he realised that the conversation his mother meant to have with them did not pertain to their scandalous evening.

"No mother, I would never subject my betrothed to anything that would tarnish her reputation" he sighed as he nervously averted his gaze, now feeling abashed about having to talk to his mother about restraining himself against having sex with Eirlys "I merely mistook your stern tone as you speculating we did something... indecent..."

"I see" the queen did not seem convinced but she brushed it off for the time being "no, I wanted to discuss the matter concerning your marriage"

"What of it" Eirlys asked.

"You both have been betrothed for years now and have grown quiet close, I see no reason to put off the wedding any longer" she smiled warmly at them both "you both will be wed in the sept on the night of the new moon"

"That's almost two weeks from today" Aemond tilted his head in confusion "this seems a bit sudden mother"

"Thought you'd be a bit more excited" Alicent playfully commented "there are things that have risen to the surface all of a sudden that makes it urgent for you both to wed"

"Like what?"

"Would you like to explain yours and your brother's fight at the training yard?" Alicent sharply questioned Aemond.

The boy opened his mouth to say something but then quickly silenced himself.

That question was pretty much self explanatory.

"Has my mother been made aware of this?" Eirlys inquired.

"Not yet, a raven will be sent as soon as I leave this hall" the queen sweetly told her "I expect to see you in my chambers later this evening. I was hoping to help design your wedding dress over some tea and cakes. With your permission, I would like to invite two of my preferred seamstresses as well"

"That is rather generous of you my queen" Eirlys smiled warmly at the queen's invitation "but I do hope we can arrange for this later. I would like my mother to be present alongside me as I go about the wedding preparations"

"Of course" Alicent smiled in response.

"And I would like to deliver the message myself" Eirlys tried to push her luck further "I will carry the news to Dragonstone. I shall leave on the morrow on dragon back and return with my mother within four days, I wish to spend some time with my brothers before I make my journey back. The rest of my family will join us on the day of the ceremony"

"You wish to go by yourself?" Aemond asked, he wore the same expression as his mother which was a mix between uncertainty and reluctance "I do not think that is such a good idea"

"Dragonstone is a short flight from here" the girl reminded "a raven would take half a day to deliver the message whereas I would reach the castle in a few hours time"

"At the very least, allow me to escort you with Vhagar" Aemond requested. He had never spent a single day away from her, let alone four days with her flying beyond King's Landing by herself, unaccompanied by any guards "I will make my return once you are within the safety of the walls at Dragonstone"

"That would not be necessary Aemond" the princess placed her hand on his arm in an act of providing assurance "I will be alright, Ember might be smaller in comparison to Vhagar but he is twice as protective"

With much reluctance, Aemond simply agreed with a soft 'hmm' before turning to face his queen mother and await her answer.

"Alright then" the queen sighed in defeat, knowing well that Eirlys would continue to argue until she got her way. She was Rhaenyra's daughter after all.

"Oh and one more thing" Eirlys proceeded to make yet another request "I do not wish to take our vows in the sept. I wish to honour my ancestors and follow tradition"

"What are you suggesting then, my sweet child?" Alicent asked in a warm tone and tender smile, curiously leaning forward.

"A traditional Valerian ceremony" Eirlys glanced at Aemond to seek his approval on it as well "to show our unity and to seal our love with marriage"

Alicent simply turned to Aemond, to see if he was willing to comply.

"Of course" he gave his princess a gentle smile. He would agree to almost any sort of ceremony if it meant that he would have her as his wife by the end of it "anything you want ñuha prūmia" (my love)

Taglist: @beiigegalx

[sapphire-weapon]

“sleeping with Ada was the inciting incident behind Leon’s drinking problem and he doesn’t even know it” theory/analysis - wait have you talked about this before? I missed it if you did :(

No, I haven't. I meant to. I actually have a half-finished post about it sitting in my drafts, but then the ADHD kicked in and I got distracted and wandered off and haven't bothered to go back to it since.

The thing with this analysis is that like... it's both not that complicated and also very complicated and abstract, and so just the thought of explaining it feels daunting.

To put it in the simplest terms possible: Leon spent RE2 and RE4 chasing an idealized version of Ada that didn't actually exist, so when he finally got the actual Ada in bed and realized that it didn't bring him the catharsis that he was looking for -- and that he actually still felt incomplete/damaged -- his brain just kind of shut that down and rejected that reality and didn't want to face it, which then led to a drinking problem that culminated in a damn near full-blown emotional breakdown in RE6.

It all sort of ties back to my analysis of the relationship between Leon and Ada as it exists in OG -- where Leon has tricked himself into believing that Ada is the only thing that's keeping the memory of his old self alive. We as the audience know that that's objectively not true, and that it's Sherry and how she's modeled her life and her worldview after him that's keeping the old Leon alive -- but that's also really painful for Leon to think about, because he's under the impression that he fucked up Sherry's life so badly that he doesn't deserve to be in it anymore, so it's easier for him to just project all that shit onto Ada.

And so chasing Ada was about more than wanting to romantically/sexually pursue the pretty lady who makes his heart go dokidoki. Despite the bond that they have, Ada is still mostly a mystery to Leon and always seems to be 20 steps ahead of him -- and so, on some level, chasing her was less about getting the girl and more about finding the answers that he's been looking for.

But Ada is just a person. She has her fingers in a lot of pies, sure, but she's not omnicient or omnipotent. She doesn't have the answers to how or why or when things went wrong in Leon's life, and she doesn't have the answers as to how to fix them or make them better.

So, when Leon slept with her and found that divine inspiration didn't enter his consciousness through the tip of his dick and travel its way down his boner and then up his spine and then into his brain like the weirdest venereal disease ever -- instead of feeling relieved at finally having taken care of the sexual tension between them, or comforted by her physical presence, or humbled by her intimacy -- he probably just felt... empty.

This was something he'd wanted so badly. He'd been chasing it for so long. And now that he'd finally gotten it, it was nothing that he'd hoped/thought it would be.

Because he wasn't really chasing Ada. He was running from his own demons, and Ada just happened to have been in front of him.

And instead of face that, instead of deal with that, his brain shut down and went NOPE DIDN'T HAPPEN and reached for literally anything that could distract it from that truth -- regardless of the form it took. Whether it was a slavish devotion to his job that was quickly leading to burnout or the flask he always kept in his back pocket -- it didn't matter what it was.

A lot of this theory/analysis/whatever you want to call it really comes from how fucking weird and bizarre their conversation about it is in Damnation. It always struck me as weird. This isn't how normal fucking people talk to each other about setting up a booty call.

Ada: By the way, when are we going to, um... carry on from where we left off that night? Leon: Any time but now. Ada: You're angry with me, aren't you? Suits you.

Something happened that night that: A) left things feeling unfinished and B) was emotionally charged enough that Ada is under the impression that Leon's mad at her for it, but C) wasn't a turn-off enough for Ada to not want to try again.

It almost seems like Ada had picked up on a weird vibe coming from him and didn't let him stay the whole night through. It probably went something like:

sex happened -> lying in bed together in the afterglow -> something about Leon's general demeanor post-coitus just doesn't feel right -> Ada pulls a "you should probably go" -> Leon gets butthurt but leaves without a fight -> Ada spends the next however many months going "that dick was bomb tho" -> they meet up in Damnation -> Ada decides "no the dick was worth it idc how weird he got" -> propositions him for a round two

I don't think that round two ever happened, though -- or, if it did, it just made things worse. And that's why, by the time we reach RE6, Leon's attachment to Ada has become so unhealthy and unhinged that he damn near has a total break from reality towards the end.

Chasing Ada had given him a personal goal to work towards -- it gave him hope that there was still some lost, forgotten part of himself that he could reclaim. And now that he knew that that was all just a massive cope and none of it was real, he didn't know what to do with himself.

It's not dissimilar to the idea of a character feeling empty after finally exacting the revenge they'd been planning for so, so long. Without that goal to work towards, what else do they have?

This is why the progression of RE6 to Vendetta to Death Island is so important.

In RE6, Leon finally comes to terms with the fact that he doesn't know who Ada is and probably never will, which is why he tells Helena "No" when she tells him to go after her.

And with the Ada thing resolved, Leon throws himself into his work, because what else does he have? But his job makes him completely fucking miserable, so it doesn't fix or stop the drinking habit he's developed.

But then in Vendetta, here comes Chris to drag Leon to his feet and tell him he's not alone -- which is the first time ever, in Leon's entire adult life, that that has ever happened. Ever since Claire left him and Sherry on the side of the road outside of Raccoon City, Leon has been going through this nightmare hellscape alone. So, for Chris to actually come around and help support that weight is a massive, massive fucking deal.

And now, by Death Island, Leon has finally started to really wake up to the reality that is his life. He's more grounded and self-aware in DI than he has ever been at any point in his entire character arc.

And I just so badly want to believe that a massive breakthrough is coming for him in RE9 and he actually puts his foot down and takes control of his life for the first time ever. Because, remember: Leon gave up years and years ago. His life is the way that it is because he allowed it to become that way.

It's long since past due for him to finally stand up for himself.

But we'll see how it goes.

[bg3fandomcritical-active]

this got long and this whole this os dumb, I'm so sorry BUT Has anon every thought that maybe people can interpret a character differently in game? I think Halsin could be cool! the idea for something good is there but it's handled a lil like ass, didn't think I'd have to clarify cause I thought we'd be able to criticize the writing of a character without the assumption that we want them dead and removed entirely from the game that's on me ig. I'm saying, seeing as his romance was a very late addition I wish they would've instead but more effort into improving ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS IN THE GAME WHO WAS ALWAYS LACKING THANK YOU.

(Never said hyper-competent, just normal level competent, but) Most at the grove trust him and want him back to deal with Kagha, either he's only useful for his position and they know he's an incompetent leader but for some reason they still trust that he'd handle her or they're stupid and ignorant to his incompetence. Main issue is he's treated like this wise older man who knows what he's doing and is good at what he does, he made mistakes in his past but he's fixing them, him actually not being competent could've been an interesting writing decision but it doesn't feel like it was done on purpose, it feels messy. Unreasonable comparison which is stupid. He was portrayed as experienced, confident and mature, maybe me expecting him to not act like a bumbling teenager was unfair despite his characterization till that point?? my bad ig?? it was cringe to watch imo lol He literally did say something weird about astarion, (was not after the orgy, that was his random SA backstory drop that wasn't handled at all, i apologize for misremembering there, both points are still there though) another anon literally said it for me thank you muwah. ALSO I'm also not trying to convince anyone of anything, is that why you're bothered by my rambling about my dislike of some character? I don't care what you think of Halsin, like him, love him, hate him, have no feelings at all I don't care, i was giving MY opinions and MY thoughts during MY experience with his character in MY playthrough to a tumblr blog on anon, you feeling any different is a you problem sit down. another stupid analogy, thank you.

i acknowledge that he was added to way later in the game and that might've had a hand in his weird and inconsistent writing. Me being salty that he was given a romance which had more content than Wyll STILL does is pretty reasonable imo. Also "I get that you love your blorbo and wish Larian did better by him, so does everyone else in the fandom" people literally complain about Wyll fans talking about him being unfairly treated like WE get shit for pointing out the racism both by fandom and Larian BUT sure okay.

maybe I'll clarify again just in case, my critique of his writing doesn't mean I hate him, I romanced him in game and usually found him to be fun and charming, I think MOST of his interactions with other characters are funny and I think his quest in the shadow place is sweet, must I suck the dick of every character whos writing I criticize for me to not get treated like a stupid lil dumb dumb? xoxo.

.

[archivalofsins]

Hey, @tsumigram it's Toa time~

Because I really like mister bystander.

His handwriting is just the best by the way. I like the way he dotes on younger children like Mi-kun who I'm pretty positive is a shoplifter. Like that kid has been stealing from shops. His reports mention not having enough money for band-aids and that he was looking to help someone. The burning pain in his sides could be stomach pangs from starvation. So he was probably stealing food.

Toa seems to dote on Mi-kun possibly because he reminds Toa of himself at that age. Toa has stated that he doesn't have a happy home life.

We don't know for how long it's been an unhappy one. However, if it's been an unhappy one most of his life then he'd have a vested interest in remaining uninvolved and unperceived. It could be something he learned in the home as a defense. Because it's better to be in the background than front and center and viewed as a problem. Especially in bad home environments.

So any of the titles in his opinion would put too much unwanted attention on him. So he creates another one that basically implies he's someone that shouldn't be looked at in the slightest because he's not involved. He's not there in the incident he's standing by regardless of what occurs. This can either be for his own safety or just a habit he's fallen into due to his environment yet when it comes to Mi-kun Toa doesn't really standby.

Initiating a lot of interactions and acting on his own.

Kai: What is that? Toa: Oh, uh. I wanted to give a plush toy to Mi-kun, but he said that he's not a little child and doesn't need it.  Now I'm not sure what to do with it. Kai: Hm. Give it to me. I'll consider it my birthday gift. Toa: Eh? Birthday— Wait, why would you need it? Kai: It's small and cute. If you think the pipsqueak would like it, then why wouldn't I? Toa: …Huh… Hm… I'm afraid he will get jealous, though… Kai: (sigh)  Toa: E-eh, please don't grab my arm so suddenly… Ouch… Kai: Where is the pipsqueak? We're going to have this conversation again where he can hear us. Once he realizes you might give away this plush toy for real, he will come and take it. In exchange for helping you, you'll get another plush toy for me. Deal. Toa: A-alright…? 

Despite Toa stating he's a bad friend very openly he seems to show a great deal of consideration to those around him. He could have easily given the gift to Kai since Miku had already rejected it. Yet he still thought things through further. Recognizing that Mi-kun's denial of the gift may not be indicative of his real feelings on it.

That Mi-kun probably just denied the gift because it was childish and embarrassing but on some level really wanted it. Now this could just be Toa being considerate but it can also be a bit of projection on his end as well. He could be thinking Mi-kun would react that way because that's how I would react at that age.

This isn't the only time Kai and Toa discuss Mi-kun,

Kai: Do something about your brat. He's stealing my paints. And I know for sure he's not planning to become an artist. Toa: Huh?  Kai: Don't “huh” me. Get them back. Toa: Why won't you talk to him? Kai: This is how you raise bad behavior in kids. I'm not going to give him attention for that. Toa: It's not like I hold legal responsibility for him… Kai: Oh, I got it! You're a coward.  Sigh… Guess I have no choice but to ask the young lady. …No, she's the type of person who thinks that there's nothing bad about stealing. God damn…

Kai and Toa both realize that what Miku is doing is attention seeking behavior. Kai recognizes that Miku is taking her paints because he wants her attention and is unwilling to engage with him do to it. Because she views that as giving in. Toa recognizes Mi-kun wants Kai's attention and wants her to just go and talk to him because it would be simplest than involving him the person Mi-kun hasn't set out to bother.

Toa's mindset is pretty much if Mi-kun wants your attention so much that he's going out of his way to take your things then simply don't involve me and sort it amongst yourselves. It's not a terrible mindset to have in this situation. Toa isn't wanted here once agains he's just a bystander but Kai is still calling Mi-kun Toa's brat as though he has some responsibility here.

Because as Kai can see it's a responsibility that Toa has taken on in a way.

Toa: H-huh, sorry… Kai: You alright? Toa: Um, my head… has been too preoccupied with things. But I don't know what it is exactly. …Just— focusing my thoughts is harder than usual… Kai: Hm-m. Maybe it would be easier if you paid a bit more attention to your own life.  Toa: W-what? Kai: Ah, it's just a lazy assumption. Don't think too much about what I say.  Or there will be nothing left of your brain, you know?

Kai has recognized that Toa concerns himself with others and is friendly as a distraction from reflecting on himself. To the point that he can't even really discern his own feelings or see his actions as anything other than bad and self-serving. He's executing the action but there's no feeling behind it.

Tell me anything, just don't ever leave me in solitude.

Toa is shown to have a great discomfort with being left by himself at all.

Before his interrogation going,

Toa: Hm… Is no one at all here? Is it too early? …Ah, Hiiro-san! Wish me good luck please!

Showing that he's immediately perturbed by the lack of people and only relaxing when he sees another person to work off of-

"I mirror what I see so that they don't suspect anything, no, right, was it also weird to do?" - "When the classroom gets too empty, I feel anxious. I'd rather die in a crowd collapse."

"I don't know these people."

It doesn't even matter to him if he really knows the people around him or not as highlighted by the Ego image that accompanies his undercover post.

In the same post Toa's even shown to be implementing self-soothing behavior when pictured alone.

Rubbing at the back of his neck awkwardly,

And hugging his body tight

To put on a smile simulating being crushed or pinned in.

"Being suffocated and crushed by a crowd, how much of an acceptable death would that be?"

Because being alone with himself seems to be the worst thing for Toa-

Toa: Ahh, is that so. I'm not good at talking about myself. It's pretty awkward… But, I'll do my best. I'm 15 years old and studying at school. Umm, what else? Oh, right, my name is Suzuki Toa I guess.

Bro you guess that is your full ass legal name. Toa be like ha yeah I guess I have a name can we talk about like anything else now?

Ego: What are you doing in your free time? Toa: Hobbies… Well, I mostly hang out with other people from school. But… I guess writing can be considered a hobby of mine?

Oh still talking about me um alright...

Toa: Ack, it's not like stories or anything. I'm not creative in the slightest. It's more similar to a personal diary. Ego: Are you still writing now that you're in prison? Toa: Physical notebooks are unsafe to keep, and there are no smartphones, so, no, I don't.

This goes into a second thing I wanted to highlight. Toa seems to have an issue with breaches of privacy. He worries about physical diaries and journals being unsafe to keep.

This is put on full display in his Memory Report,

"Others naturally give their secrets to me. You're all lucky that I easily forget them, because I couldn't care less, but it's fine, it's a fair trade — tell me anything, just don't ever leave me in solitude."

He also gets anxious when showing his scrapbook here,

Toa: Hm-m. What do you think of this page? I tried to decorate it to the best of my abilities, but I can't ask for many materials since we're limited in requests…

Miku: … Toa: Hello? Huh? Are you trying to look closer into it? Miku: I'm reading. Toa: Ah! W-what are you reading? …Oh, I didn't write anything important. What a relief… Miku: You're shy about your personal diary being read. Toa: Like, who wouldn't be? …Besides, it's not a diary but a scrapbook. I keep everything too personal in my head. Miku: I’m just curious. I don't know what it feels like because I've never had a personal diary. It would be found too easily. Toa: Ahh…

But is pleasantly surprised and relieved when he sees he didn't write anything important. As though afraid of making the same mistake again.

Oh but what does this have to do with what he did? A whole lot of nothing I don't particularly care about what Toa did. I don't think there's enough to know for sure. Since he's very cards to his chest about it. He's also doesn't have the best opinion of himself. It seems like he feels bad for being inattentive and forgetful.

Like that same thing that allowed him to protect himself is what led to an issue occurring. Which is why his voice line is,

"That name... Uh-h, it's not that I could do anything. ...Eh, it's nothing."

And why he keeps highlighting he was a bad friend because maybe he could have done something. Maybe if he was more attentive, a better listener, actually remembered the things he was told he could have acted.

Toa: What do I mean? Well, exactly what I'm saying? Umm… It's like I'm always being present, but also always not present…

If he was just there in that moment or if another better friend was their instead then maybe things would have resolved differently. That's sort of feeling is rather common.

Though I could be wrong.

[unseenacademic]

Chapter 10: After the Lockdown

Summary: Shots are fired at the White House and the First Lady isn't happy about that.

A post-ep for "Evidence of Things Not Seen" (Part One). Contains banter and some angst.

“Everyone's fine,” said Debbie. “At least they were until I robbed them blind of their hard-earned money.” Abbey sighed. “Someone shoots at him, and what does he do? He plays a game of poker with the staff.” Yes, that was the exact stupid thing Jed would do. For a genius with 180 IQ, he could be such an idiot. “And not very well, ma’am,” Debbie added casually. Abbey was silent. Her long fingers tapped against the polished surface of the desk. Debbie looked at her but said nothing. “Did he bother you with trivia?” Abbey finally asked. “I learned a lot about national parks,” said Debbie, the diplomat. Her face was blank. No wonder she’d taken all their money. Amateurs. ****** “You run the country on four hours of sleep, you eat roast beef even though your cholesterol levels are high, and you have MS, to say nothing of the fact that someone shot at you, for the second time in four years.” “Abbey, a very disturbed man fired three shots at the press room, while I was in the Oval. It’s bulletproof glass in the windows and there’s an agent whose job is to stand in front of a bullet. You wanna be worried about someone, you should be worried about him.” “Jed…” “And I’m going to tell you what I told Charlie, you wanna kill me, you're going to have to do it from inside the building.” “I can assure you that I’m considering that option,” Abbey said coldly.

It comes with a (NSFW) sequel: Substance of Things Hoped for

Summary: Shots are fired at the White House and the First Lady isn't happy about that. But there might be a way to turn the night around. A post-ep for "Evidence of Things Not Seen" (part two). The same story, Jed's POV. Contains barbecuing.

What kind of day has it been? Jed thought. Hardly a regular Friday at the office. An international crisis averted, but someone had shot at them. Someone had shot at his people again, but luckily this time no one had been hit. Yeah, he knew the risks that came with the job, but getting shot at two times in four years was damn bad luck. At least, he'd fared better than Lincoln or Kennedy. The phone call had dragged on, a diplomatic game of cat and mouse in two languages, but in the end, he didn't have to trade Florida for pieces of a spy plane. With the deal made, the night could finally end. Maybe there was a chance to play another game of poker and retrieve some of the money Debbie had taken from him. **** God, how much he loved her! He pulled her into another hug and held her there, against his chest. She was still warm and soft, his anchor to sanity. Even after all these years, his wife still thought he was the smartest man in the world—it went without saying that he was also the most handsome man in the world—so maybe it wasn’t such a bad night after all.

[gaybananabread]

TickleTober Day 4 - Weak Spot

DON’T EVEN START I know this is kinda cringe. I’ve been watching SWAT again recently and it’s got a decent vice grip on my brain. This number just screamed Hondo at me, and who better to get his ass than his loving partner? There is a total LACK of anything tk-related for this show, so Imma fix that. It was so painfully fun writing this, I don’t even know anymore. Sorta angsty at the start because I need help- Don’t make fun of me/j, and Enjoy!

Lee: Hondo

Ler: Nichelle

Summary: Hondo is talking about his day, feeling a bit down after some heavy stuff went down. Nichelle tries to cheer him up, exploiting her favorite of her man’s few weaknesses.

Warnings: SWAT spoilers ig, death. This is a tickle fic, so if you don’t like that, scroll away!

“This is 20 David, all suspects are down. We’re Code 4.”

Hondo’s thoughts that day had been swirling, running back the calls he had made over and over again. They had stopped the drug deal, sure, but what about the casualties? That woman… yeah, she was aiming a gun at them, but still. She was so young…he’ll never fully get over it when things end like that with women, especially younger ones. She could have only been, what, 19? Damn…

Nichelle walked in on his brooding, her smile softening the moment she saw the look on his face. She made her way over to him, knocking on the table before wrapping her arms around his shoulders. “Hey Hondo. You wanna talk about it?” She didn’t even ask if he was okay, she could tell the answer was no.

“How d’you do that, woman?” He chuckled, though the sound was more tired than amused. Hondo leaned back into her, allowing himself that bit of comfort for the moment. Nichelle had been working on getting him to open up. He was still holding back, but small comforts like asking for hugs or cuddles were coming along.

She pecked his cheek, moving her hands up to his shoulders. "One of my special talents." Her fingers worked into his shoulder muscles, finding many knots and sore spots. "Baby, you've got knots on top 'a knots. You gonna tell me what happened, or do I have to convince you?"

Hondo sighed, almost melting into the touch. He really didn't want to just dump what happened onto Nichelle. She had always had the biggest heart, it's one of the many reasons why he loves her. What if he upset her by sharing? "It's…it's pretty heavy, baby. I dunno if it's something you're gonna want to hear."

She walked around the chair, her hands never leaving his shoulders. Soon enough, they were eye-level, Nichelle's lips pursed in concern and thought. "Daniel, whatever it is, I can handle it. If it's bothering you this much, it'll probably help to talk it out. I promise, you're never gonna scare me off by being honest about this stuff."

Yeah…yeah. She was right. He needed to talk about it, and Nichelle is probably the only one he'd be able to open up to with stuff like that. Taking a deep breath, he recounted the day's op. His calls, the drugs, the suspects, how things ended with the young woman. 

Nichelle silently listened the entire time. She kept her reactions in check, trying to only convey support and sympathy. Still, when she heard about the young woman, she bit her cheek a bit harder than she liked. She knew Hondo's job was a hard one, and that meant doing whatever it took to protect innocent people. Such a young age to get wrapped in that stuff, though. The girl would've shot someone if they hadn't done what they did, but that doesn't make it any easier to handle.

Once he finished, and her thoughts were collected, she spoke with the softest and most sympathetic tone she could manage.

"Oh baby…you know that wasn't your fault. You can't control what people do, how they act, what they get mixed up in and when. I know this is a tough pill to swallow, but you have to accept that there's nothing else you could do. She made her choice before you even called for the shot. It sounds like she wasn't planning on ever leaving there. I'm here, for whatever you need."

Okay, that almost got him. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and letting himself fully melt into Nichelle’s affection. He loved that woman, before they split, before they got back together. He just hadn’t realized it yet. She slowly climbed onto the chair with him, sitting in his lap and pressing small kisses to his cheeks and neck. Her main goal was to be there for him, just like he always was for her. 

What she wasn’t expecting was the small, poorly-repressed giggle one of the neck kisses caused. She repeated the action, getting similar results. A memory popped up in her mind, one from snuggling in bed after a night together. She had been rubbing his sides, but had accidentally tickled him. Things got giggly after that. Hondo paid her back in full, with interest, but it had been worth it to hear him laugh like that. Something he could really use right then. 

“Hey, Sargent Harrelson. I think I’ve got a way to cheer you up, if you’ll let me try it.” Nichelle pulled her face away from his neck, now cupping his cheek and smirking at him. He quirked an eyebrow, his features slowly taking on the signature “huh?” look. He rolled his shoulder, trying to find the hidden meaning behind her words. “You only call me Sargent Harrelson when you’re up to something.”

She laughed softly, gently tracing her fingers along his jawline. “I just told you, babe. I’m gonna cheer you up, if you promise to let me.” Her eyes were mostly innocent, though he detected a bit of mischief in her tone. He had already disregarded the small neck kisses, more focused on her than his own sensitivity. Hondo had finished a very rough day on SWAT. He could use some help cheering up, whatever her undoubtedly devious plan to do so may be.

“Al’ight, fine. I promise I’ll let you try this plan a’ yours to cheer me up.” He chuckled, turning his head to kiss her palm. Nichelle just smirked, adjusting her position on his lap so she had better access to his spots. She sat eye-level with him, resting her hands on his sides. It took him a second to realize her plan, but when he did, he immediately protested. 

“Hey, Nichelle, hold up-” She cut him off, pressing a finger to his lips. The look she got was priceless, though she’d have to marvel in her brilliancy later. “At-tat-ta. You promised, remember? And, last I checked, the honorable Hondo never goes back on his word.” She drummed her fingers against his ribs, smirking as he figured her out. He needed to de-stress, and laughter is one of the best ways to do so. She hosts a stand-up comedy night for some of the older people at the Community Center every now and then. This is pretty much the same, only she isn’t telling any jokes.

At that point, Hondo was already squirming a bit, trying to keep his reactions in check. “I- that- ugh… Hate it when you’re right sometimes, you know that?” In all honesty, he wouldn’t mind it all that much if she went through with it. It felt good to laugh, though his pride would take a small hit. 

Nichelle just laughed, leaning in closer to peck his cheek. “Oh, trust me. I know.” Then, not hearing a “no” or “don’t”, she began to spider her hands along his sides. Hondo held his breath, not wanting to crumble so quickly at the goofy affection. It was a nice change, the somber mood from before fading to a warm comfort he never wanted to leave. 

That just wouldn’t do. Going for the kill, Nichelle darted her fingers down to his hips, kneading the small amount of squishy, protective skin along the bones. No matter how often he worked out, he could never loose the soft areas Nichelle loves to run her fingers across. 

His reaction was instant. Hondo snorted, his suppressed reactions powering through as he began to laugh. “B-BAhAbyhyhy! Why thehe hihiHIhIHIPs?!” It was quite the sight, seeing such a stoic and intimidating man laugh like that. Nichelle was loving every second of it, enjoying the rare display of her fiance’s softer side. He needed to show it more often.

“One, they’re my favorite and you know it. Two, you need to laugh. Is this not getting to you?” She smirked, knowing good and well just how much it was getting to him. Hondo tried not to writhe under her nails, his fitting white t-shirt and flannel not doing much to protect him from her nails. He almost regretted getting her that spa day…

He grabbed her wrists, though he didn’t push them away. He kinda couldn’t; Hondo had promised to let her “cheer him up,” no matter what it was. Still, his hands needed somewhere to go, and his woman’s wrists were as good a place as any. 

Said woman tried not to coo at his reactions, knowing it would only make his inevitable revenge all the more evil. He might have been a good guy, but when it came to getting her, he showed no mercy. Still didn’t stop her from teasing him, though. “I gotta say, I love your weak spots. Especially this one.” 

Hondo was…well, he wasn’t hating it. The thoughts of that day’s raid were almost forgotten, distant thoughts in the back of his head. He never truly forgot anyone the trigger got pulled on, be it by his hand or his orders. Still, he didn’t deserve to beat himself down over the decisions of bad people. They were given many chances to put their weapons down. The fact that they didn’t…they knew the choice they were making. In Nichelle’s opinion, he never deserved to be haunted by their choices. She reminded him of it every day, though not always with tickles. 

She toyed with the soft skin of his hips and waistline, skittering her nails and drilling into the sensitive spots. Hondo’s laughter jumped all over the place, the deep sounds rumbling in his chest before tumbling out into the room. He was loving the affection part of it, but the tickles on his hips were starting to get to him. “NIHIHIhichelle! IHI- Ihi’m smihihilin’ agahain! Youhuhu cahan stohOHOP!”

Nichelle didn’t stop, though she did switch spots. She had messed with his weak spot enough for one night. Her nails traveled down, gently scritching the tops of his thighs. His loud laughter melted down to low, airy giggles. Hondo’s thighs were just ticklish enough to get a reaction out of him, making them the perfect final destination. His knee’s bounced, trying and failing to dilute the ticklish buzzing to his nervous system. He could handle a bit more; she was set on getting him to nap after this.

The very faint tint of a blush could be seen on his dark cheeks, making the moment all the sweeter. Hondo had always kept his emotions to himself, putting everything else before himself. Ever since him and Nichelle had gotten back together, though, he’d been trying to take care of himself. Not stopping her, letting that happen, was just one step of many he’d taken to help himself even a fraction as much as he’d helped others. 

“Oho- okahahay! Noho mohohore!” Nichelle stopped tickling him, switching to gentle rubs along the lengths of his thighs. And, just to be nice, she leaned in and kissed her man. He was still laughing softly, smiling into the kiss. His hands wrapped around her midsection, pulling her against him. Hondo, once he regained his breath, whispered softly into her ear. “Don’t think I’m letting that slide…but thanks, baby.”

She chuckled, though couldn’t help but feel her cheeks heat up at his words. She knew that was no empty threat; sometime over the next few days, he was gonna get her. But right then, Nichelle didn’t need to worry. Her man was sleepy, cuddly and ready for a nice nap after a long day. She hummed out a question, placing another small kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Bedroom?”

He chuckled, feeling the smile he’d had since she started turn to a smirk. “Bedroom. C’mon, beautiful.” Hondo hooked his hands under her thighs, not bothering to reposition her before standing up and carrying her towards the bedroom. Some snuggles with the woman he loves were always the perfect way to end a long day, however mischievous she may be. 

He laid her down, quickly joining her as he pulled his shirt off. Hondo’s strong arms wrapped around her, pulling his love against his chest before the warm wave of tiredness washed over him. His eyes drifted shut, the last thing he saw before dozing off Nichelle’s warm and loving smile. He was so lucky…

[paperstorm]

I'm the "we all agree it was lying right" anon. I just watched some scenes from 2x04 (the one where Carlos introduces TK as a friend). The theme of that episode - people feeling safe in their relationships - made me think about 4x01. Since it aired, I've sympathized with both TK and Carlos. Carlos because of how he felt when he was younger and having to deal with it all alone, and TK, because he'd been lied to for so long and didn't get a chance to express any frustration about it. I kept thinking, "Ah TK's grown so much coz he didn't run away, he was patient, named and analysed his emotions, and showed his usual concern for others' wellbeing."

But after the 2x04 rewatch, I'm thinking about what that internal emotional analysis must have been for TK - "okay so Carlos hid this important thing from me, he lied to me for so long, what do I think or feel about it?" And his mind must have immediately gone to "his lies were about him, his past, his fears and insecurities and not really about me or us" because TK was THAT secure about their relationship. TK's growth must have helped, but surely a lot of that credit for TK feeling that level of security goes to Carlos. Carlos has been able to convince TK about his love for him completely, that maybe the lie registers as a lie, but not at all as an indictment of their relationship.

Since 4x01 aired, the fact that it was a long-term lie keeps nagging at me so much. The lie itself and the duration bothers me but maybe it's because I've never experienced any relationship where I feel THAT safe. It seems so unbelievable to me, almost like it's an idealized instance which could never actually happen between two real people. What do you think? Can people feel so secure that a long-standing lie wouldn't bother them very much?

Yes I think people absolutely can feel so secure that something like this wouldn't bother them very much. I don't think it would be the most common reaction to it, but it's certainly not impossible. I also hope that they do give TK a bit more space to express the fact that this was upsetting and destabilizing even if he understands Carlos's reasons, I think that would be a really healthy thing for him to be allowed to show, that kind of like "I'm upset and I wish you hadn't done this but I still love you" sort of thing that happens all the time in stable, healthy relationships (romantic as well as platonic and familial.)

I also think there's a tendency (and do I do this too? Absolutely) to sort of project your own emotions onto a character. So "I wouldn't forgive Carlos so easily if I was the one engaged to him" easily becomes "if TK reacts differently than I would, it's unrealistic." It's sort of the same mindset that leads to people saying they wanted TK to have to *earn* his forgiveness after the break up (although its rare anyone ever lays out exactly what that means or what it would look like). There's a bit of "I wouldn't have forgiven him immediately, so Carlos shouldn't either" in that, and from my view, TK doesn't have to earn anything. He deserves forgiveness because Carlos forgives him and that's that.

So I hope they show TK having a few more emotions about this, and I hope they show Carlos explaining why he kept the secret and apologizing, because that's how I would want that to play out if I were the one writing it. But if TK doesn't have those feelings, I mean sure ,maybe it's a bit of a cop-out on the writers' part. There's that. But maybe it's also okay for someone to just forgive someone else, without all this highly Christian and American notions of earning it and the concept of 'accountability' that is always purposely vague and has been thrown around so much it's become meaningless. Not telling anyone else what to do but it's been good for me, having been raised in a culturally Christian and Western society, to question why we're so married to the language of penance and repaying debts and earning forgiveness, and why we think those things are so universally irremovable from the concept of justice.

[perplexedflower]

Debito Fluff Alphabet - [Z]eal

Fandom: La storia della Arcana Famiglia.

Category: F/M.

Relationship: Debito x Female Reader.

Type: Fluff Alphabet.

Z) Zeal: What he is willing to do for the relationship/the lines he is willing to cross.

~~~~~~~~~~

Debito isn't necessarily a very zealous person in his day-to-day life and only gets passionate about very few specific things; the rest of the time, he's relatively laid-back. But when it comes to those very few specific things, those things he strongly cares about, he's willing to go to great lengths, especially if they involve his morals and the things he stands for. This is something you've had the chance to witness, as Debito's partner: ever since the first day you two got together, it was very obvious to you that he would be ready to do anything for you, no matter what it would ensue. In fact, he made this clear to you by letting you know directly that he loved you too much to let anything bad happen to you, and that he'd always be there for you, for whichever reason you may need him. Financially speaking, he's willing to spend a considerable amount of money for you, which you've always been highly grateful for, although you know this is in no way something that bothers him: as the head of the Coins division and the man in charge of money circulation for not only the Family but the entirety of Regalo as well, you're well-aware that his lifestyle is highly comfortable on a financial level, and that he can afford all of the things he's ever willing to get you. Debito is willing to cross more than just a couple of lines for you, even if it involves breaking the law; you know of this, as you've gotten to see this side of him before, and every time it's happened, a part of you quivered. You know, just as well as he knows himself that his emotions can take over him under certain circumstances, especially if he's got pent-up anger. It's no secret to anyone he's sworn to kill Jolly in the past for all the things he's done to him, and it's no secret to you he would be willing to go as far as hurting or even killing others for your sake, to protect you to the extreme.

Mini Scene

"Debito-"

"Keep quiet, pretty face."

"Let her go, you bastard!"

Debito and I had been on our respective ways to work when the unexpected happened: a man ran toward us, visibly a criminal, followed by a few members of the Swords division, chasing after him. But when he came across us, when he noticed I was a member of the Family, he saw an occasion and took it. Before I even knew it, he had jumped on me and had taken me hostage, keeping me as leverage.

And here I was, held still by this man, a dagger against my side, piercing deeper inside my skin every time he grew angrier.

"Wait... I know you." He exclaimed at Debito. "Yeah, you're that kid who runs Isis Regalo, eh?"

Debito had one of his twin pistols pointed at the man's head, ready to shoot at any second, a look of fury on his face.

"I've lost a lot of money because of your stupid casino, you know?" He said angrily. "So, while we're here, and since you seem to care for the lady, why don't we add some of your money to the deal?"

"The only thing I'll be giving you is a bullet to the head, asshole!" Debito shouted.

But he could not shoot: although the man was a criminal and needed to be neutralized, it would have been wrong to kill him, he had to be arrested alive.

Debito's threat made the man dive his dagger deeper into my skin; until the pain suddenly stopped altogether.

In the blink of an eye, he was thrown face-first onto the ground in a strong blast. When I turned around, I saw Pace standing behind me, his fist glowing with his stigmata and an upset expression on his face.

"Good thing I happened to pass by..." He said as he stared down at the unconscious man. "Are you okay, [Y/N]?"

"Y-Yes, thank you so much, Pace." I replied with a shaky breath.

Debito came running to me, his pistol still in hand, and held me tight in his embrace.

"I know you really wanted to make this man pay, Debito." I softly said against his skin. "But I'm glad you didn't. I don't want you to shed any more blood for me."

[stylin-knight]

Fic I wrote a few years ago hope y'all enjoy :)

Ziall had a problem, well Ziall had a lot of problems but the one he was facing now was probably the most frightening one.

He couldn't figure out what Jude's deal was. See Jude was, and still is, a bit of a mystery. His relaxed and calm attitude paired with his loud and kinda annoying personality drove Ziall insane. To him, Jude had no flaws, the man was nearly perfect. Everyone loved him, they didn't bother trying to look past the surface level on him because he was so nice, but Ziall is different. He wanted, no needed to know what made his friends tick. Knowing everything about everyone was what gave him the authority to tell literal gods what to do.

So here he was, in his lab staring at a projected screen watching Jude and Kacey from a far. He'd done this before so he had no moral issues with it. The only thing is he couldn't let Kacey see the camera, she'd be pissed if she found out that he was spying on Jude. She is so protective of him its insane. Anyway, they were on a date and nothing seems off at all. Ziall does note that Jude keeps pulling his hair down over his face, over his right eye.

"Now what are you hiding you tall fuck." Ziall muttered under his breath. He often spoke to himself in his lab like that, random thoughts that he just blurts out.

"Well currently nothing that you dont already know." Ziall flinched at the sudden noise but relaxed as soon a he recognized the voice.

"What are you doing here? Thought you were watching the kids?" Ziall questioned Larry. They both took the same posture, arms folded and leaning on the nearest wall (or in Ziall's case work table).

"Z's got it covered, plus I wanted to check on you. You've been down here a while." Larry feigned nonchalance and shrugged. Ziall could see the worry in his eyes though, he knew why he was down here. Larry wanted to make sure that he was safe, alive. It was sweet mostly, to have someone care so much about your well being to constantly keep tabs on your health and mental state. But sometimes, it was plain annoying. Ziall is a grown ass man who can take care of himself, he doesnt need to treated like a baby by his own husband.

"I'm fine, just working." He snapped, not caring how he sounded in the slightest.

"On what?" Larry approached slowly, arms still crossed. He looked as though he was a predator circling his prey, but Ziall knew better than to fall for that act.

"Nothing if note." Ziall sighed as he switched off the feed. Jude and Kacey werent doing anything anyways, they were just as boring as usual.

Larry hummed at that and kept approaching ever so slowly. He crowded Ziall against the work table he was leaning on and placed both his hands on either of Ziall's hips. Ziall perked up at this. 'Ohh thats what you want' Ziall thought joyously, as if he'd figured out some great mystery. He sent a smirk up to his overly tall husband but when he took in his expression he only saw the same sadness and worry that he began with.

"Are you okay?" Ziall finally muttered. He kept his voice soft as to get across the care that he truly had for the other man.

"Youve been down here for half the day. Didnt get to see you when I woke up." Larry confessed.

"In fairness, you sleep til the afternoon everyday. I can't stay in bed all morning to wait for your lazy ass to get up." Ziall joked, completely trying to avoid the coming conversation.

"Ziall." He warned. A pointed look was shot towards Ziall but he didnt dare look back. He knew what was coming, the talk about how he should take care of himself and be with family instead of holding himself up in his lab working all day long. He knew the problem but he didnt care. How can it be so bad if he kept producing better and better tech for everyone? Larry was still gazing intently at him probably waiting for some kind of response.

"I'll be up in at bit, okay? Just give me some time." Ziall felt the pressure on his hips grow as Larry squeezed them softly, the same sad look on his face.

"You wont find anything if you keep following him on dates. If you want to know what's up with him you might as well ask his family or perhaps do a DNA test and see where he came from." Ziall whipped his head around stunned. Was he really suggesting actully stalking Jude? A DNA test might prove useful though. See where Jude came from, his real family tree. As Ziall's mind raced Larry pressed a kiss to his temple and embraced him tighter, pressing him into his broad chest.

"Alright, alright! I'll come up! Just stop crushing me!" Ziall muffled into Larry's chest. "You know, I think you owe me a little something for disturbing my work." He continued suggestively.

"Oh do I now? Well I'm sure I'll make it worth your while when we get home." Larry purred in Ziall's ear making him shudder in the process. Excitement coursed through him as Larry stepped back but firmly kept a grip on his waist and lead him to the door. He'll work on the Jude situation later, right now he's going to spend some quality time with his husband.

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

Hi, could i get a matchup for Legend of Korra, Narnia and Magnus Chase?

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: heterosexual

Zodiac/MBTI: intj, sagittarius

Appearance: long black hair, black eyes, 187 cm, very pale skin and i'm builded like models on 60s fashion illustrations, for some reason i always look like i'm sad

Personality: mix of a kuudere and hinedere personality: introverted, calm, quiet, reserved, sophisticated, polite, snarky, witty, sarcastic, blunt, honest, apathetic, intimidating, morbid, unfazed

Likes: art, plants, animals, philosophy, thanatology, literature, serial killers, insects and bugs, witchcraft, classical music, goth music, classical gothic literature, history, forensics, criminology, anthropology, psychology, mythology, books, animals (especially cats), nature, tea

Dislikes: can't think of any. i care only about things i like

Hobbies: science, learning new things, knitting, sewing, gardening, cooking, baking, playing chess, taking long solitary walks to secluded places, reading, writing, drawing, general handicrafts, dollmaking, cryptid hunting

Random fact about me:

when i was a kid i was obsessing over fantasy creatures (i'm still obsessed though) and always hoped to marry one-

Thanks!

Hi Anon! Thank you for your request! I hope you like your matchups!

In Legend of Korra, I match you with...

Yes, Opals' older bother. I think you and Huan would get along really well.

You're both very creative people. He enjoys making sculptures with metal bending and he'd love working on his latest project while you sit beside him working on your own projects.

Huan would be inspired by you a lot. Whether it's something you say, do, or create, he'll always find something interesting to inspire his next creative work.

Loves reading gothic literature with you. He'd also love listening to your favourite music. Goth music is right up his alley so anything you like, he'll probably enjoy as well.

Huan admires your sass and sarcasm so much. He'll thrive off sarcasm matches with you, although his family can never get a word in when you two are in the sass zone.

In Narnia, I match you with...

Another sassy guy! Edmund loves that you can match his sarcasm levels.

Not the most creative person but he'd love to watch your projects come together. If you ever create something with him in mind, he'd treasure it forever.

Thinks it's cool that you fantasized over fantasy creatures. He is a bit worried that you won't be as interested in him with all the fantasy creatures in Narnia.

Just reassure him that you still care about him and he'll be more than happy to introduce you to as many different creatures as you want.

Edmund would love to take walks with you. You get to be out in nature and see all the amazing plants and animals of Narnia, and he gets to spend quality time with you.

In Magnus Chase, I match you with...

I feel like Magnus is the best match for you. He matches your energy well. He's one of the quieter people in his friend group but is also sarcastic at the right moments.

I see Magnus as someone who would love listening to true crime with you. He gets really into them.

You and Alex would get along very well. You match each others sass levels well. Poor Magnus is stuck in the middle, it's too late for him...

There's a fair few fantasy creatures that Magnus deals with on almost a daily basis so any of the "safe" ones he'd be happy to introduce you to them. Blitz and Hearth love you and think you're perfect for Mangus.

Magnus would love it if you made things for him. He'd prefer something he could wear or take with him on quests (things like bracelets are his favourite) but he'll treasure anything you give him.

[sincelastsession]

I have had more creepy men hit on me recently. Is it cuffing season or do I have a flashing sign over me saying "OMG WEIRDOS SHE IS HERE"

....

I never posted this yesterday like I thought.

I'm really nervous and anxious about a lot.

Justin and I spoke and I was clear with him. I felt guilty for everything. He's unable to see the things he did that were wrong. He is clearly upset with me and thinks I led him on. I apologized though I shouldn't have to because that was never an intention to hurt him. There was a frank discussion and it was awkward. My partner was right.

My mom visited and helped me with a few things. I have to see my psychiatrist soon. I'm very worried he may want me to go inpatient. I'm not a harm to myself or others. I'm just very hypervigiliant and have been dysregulated too much from many many triggers in a short time. I agree with her.

She did see my book and she did flip through it and take a picture of the cover. She was not happy that I feel she has contributed to my mental health issues and was on the defensive. Hurt dogs gonna holler though. She did allow me to read some of it to her and explain that I saw she was very traumatized too and that is probably why she responds how she does and that I did see her trying. I think hurt people hurt people. I think she has work to do like me. I still am hurt that I'm the one busting my ass trying to fix all the things within my circle of control but I understand that some people aren't capable of growth. It hurts to be aware of that and it's hard to emotionally accept.

Logically I can see most of my issues and that of others. Emotionally it takes me a long time to catch up to the logic. I know I can't just logic myself better or it would be done by now. That's exactly why therapists see other therapists aside from consulting and such. I couldn't treat myself by myself even at the highest level of education. That's just not how brains are setup.

My mom being a charge nurse, doesn't think I belong near any facility because she doesn't think it's helpful and that there should be affordable facilities or medicaid covered ptsd places as it is traumatic for those who have cptsd or regular ptsd.

My partner is being more vulnerable with me and admitted to having auditory hallucination type problems when things were quiet so he doesn't like total silence and listens to certain types of music to soothe. He didn't tell me of a diagnosis. He said there were several factors that caused it. I'm not bothered by this in the least. I'm glad he opened up to me. I understand a lot more now.

Growing up with a schizophrenic uncle taught me early on that it's not a pleasant thing for people who experience hallucinations to deal with. People with neurological disorders aren't bad people. There's a huge stigma around it. My Uncle suffers terribly from his but he has never be an asshole and he used to come out of his room to spend time talking to me before he'd tell me he was going back to his room. My Aunts have forbade me from speaking to him because he's not well. I think it's bullshit and he could use someone who isn't going to treat him like he's broken and isolate him. My heart hurts for him. He's honestly my favorite uncle. I think we have always understood one another. I always felt like he was an older sibling more than an Uncle.

I hope my partner understands that I'm never judging him on his issues. I hope he understands that I'm safe to continue opening up to. If he's not ready to explain his diagnosis but has a handle on his issues to the point they aren't hurting me then that's ok.

I have many things I'm not ready to tell him. I think it's a bit wild how we are alike in many ways.

Dr. Todd always told me that someone similar, with high intelligence, and problems of thier own that they work on would be good for me. I wish he was alive so I could ask him more questions about why. He was a smart man. He knew things about the world that most people think of as conspiracy. He worked on secret things that just make me sound nuts if I were to explain. I think it's why he told me not long before he got suddenly sick and passed. He knew no one would believe me. That's ok though. They don't have to. The govt already released some of the information anyway. The rest will probably come in due time. I know it sounds batshit but there's far more things in this world than what we know or are able to grasp and many things considered fringe science are actually real things. It would cause mass panic if everyone knew. I missed bringing him coffee today to his grave. I really need to do that soon. It's ok if no one understands.

The people that loved me and understood me most are all dead. It feels like it's my fault. My friend Cole used to joke about how I was a harbinger of bad luck. He died not long after in a very sad way.

Matt got me to eat yesterday. He told me "We all have our own ways of fighting ourselves, but now you’re fighting back" when I told him I was embarrassed that I was having trouble even picking out food. I allowed him to pick for me and felt relief. I am fat but I definitely needed to eat. My eating disorder doesn't get to win.

My mom told me today that my neighbor is way bigger than me. I don't body shame ppl. It did give me perspective though because I can't see myself correctly. If I do it's rare and I feel very distressed because it brings me back to medical and other physical traumas. I would rather be unaware that my body exists and only clothe it with things that don't look terrible. I generally need help shopping for clothing. It's very triggering to see my body during trying things on. Only certain people are good at being honest with me. However I haven't really developed a wardrobe. I still have beat up shirts from when I was a teen. I'm actually really sad one of them is beyond wearable outside of the privacy of my home because of the ridiculous amount of holes. I really need to build a style and wardrobe. I want to look good but I don't really know what suits me. I feel jealous of the women that have an "aesthetic" and look gorgeous, get their nails done, and wear cute makeup looks. I want to fit in. I feel like I'm a shape that nothing looks good on. I saw a plastic surgeon and was told I needed to be like 150 for her to touch me. I didn't want much done. I don't want to be thin with saggy extra skin. I feel 180 would be a healthy weight for me and I wouldn't look bad. I keep wanting to be in the gym but I don't know which one is going to be what I need. There's so much physical work I need to do on myself.

Matt knows I struggle with all this. He doesn't push me to show him my body or do things that make me uncomfortable.

I am really tired. I truly feel burnt out right now. I feel like I won't get to move or get a break. I'm in survival mode and I can't remember the last long period I was not. Matt helps but I'm trying not to rely on him for everything. I've been like that my whole life. Trying to not rely on people. I have to though sometimes. I know why I'm like this. I know what things did this. But knowing is great and all however undoing it and balancing myself to be healthy is terrifying. Normal people scare the fuck out of me more than literal serial killers and people who stay in psych facilities. Sometimes I think ppl are overdiagnosed and underloved and completely misunderstood. I wish I could help rehabilitate people in a way that doesn't involve it being scary. I have to rehabilitate and parent myself first though. I was a parentified child and now I don't know what to do because society expects me to be an adult and I want to decompress and do everything I missed out on.

I need to go decompress and have some time with my earplugs in because my neighbors are being very loud and it's "ratchet" as my neighbor Ms. Darlene would say. I don't want it kicking up more stress but it is. It's 11:41 at night and they are loud as hell.

I was told by my psych that if the noise was causing problems and the earplugs weren't helping and I felt unsafe then I needed to move to a quieter safer feeling place. I can't get better if I'm unable to get put of freeze state. I'm exhausted from it. Hearing a man hollering and whoever else outside from inside my apartment is overwhelming. I should not be reenacting my childhood hiding in my bed breathing shallow quiet as a mouse.

I wish I could have imaging done to see what's damaged in my brain from lifelong trauma. I want to understand what that looks like and just know about it. See it. Feel like I'm not crazy because I have that as proof.

I watched the movie split and the movie glass yesterday. They don't portray the DID patient as how it really is the story and acting were phenomenal. I've met DID patients and OSDD patients and I understand it. It's incredibly sad but they're protecting themselves. I find it interesting that one trauma or a couple can split some people into many parts and unless I do have a dissociative disorder I really don't understand how I turned out this way. I don't even know how I got lucky and didn't end up full on DID or a sociopath etc...

Ok I think that's enough for tonight.

I'm going to go fuck around on Sims4 and have distraction time from the LOUD ASS PEOPLE

BTW the pool is GREEEEEN like I had a breakdown one night and asked whatever deity might listen to make the noise stop. Woke up to THIS. I feel like it was a blessing of sorts. I can't explain it. But LOOK! (The color is actually pretty though) I hope they take FOREVER to clean it. I liked swimming but it's too hot and the pool was always full of rude people that wouldn't give me space. I think a gym with pool lanes will be good for me.