#he's absolutely the kind of person who believes responsibility demands sacrifice

[reanimatedgh0ul]

anyways this is my take on lance/kristin lol

[troquantary]

Edward Cullen: That Boy Ain’t Right

So I was doing a reread of @therealvinelle 's collection of Twilight metas, as one does, and in "Edward, Denial, and a Human Girlfriend" she mentions that she doesn't believe Edward is sane. I thought, "ha, yeah, he's definitely not," and also, "but wait, what does that mean exactly, please say more about that." But since she's already inundated with asks, I've decided to use my own head-muscle and explore this idea. (TL;DR: I start out more or less organized, synthesize some points Vinelle has made across several posts (and have hopefully linked to them all where relevant but please tell me if not), touch a little on narcissism, then take a hard left into the negative effects of being a telepath.)

Just a couple things to note at the outset, though. Theses have been written already (probably) about Edward as an abuser. Edward being insane doesn't negate that at all; he's definitely an asshole and just...a disaster of a human being. (I find it more funny than anything, but YMMV.) I'm also going to try to avoid talking specifically about mental illness and how it relates (or doesn't relate) to abusive behavior -- that's territory I'm not really equipped to discuss, like at all. My starting point is "Edward has a deeply warped perception of reality," not "Edward has X disorder."

So: deeply warped perception of reality. The evidence? Goes behind a cut, because my one character trait is Verbose.

Vinelle provides a great example of it in the post linked above, which I'll just quote because she does words good: "[Edward] keeps acting like his romance with Bella is a romantic tragedy, and all the cast of Twilight are actors on a stage making it as sublime as possible." Edward's the one to pursue Bella, but he does so with the full belief, from the very beginning, that it will never last; Bella will "outgrow" him, go on her human way, and he can spend the rest of eternity brooding magnificently over his too-short romantic bliss. [Insert premature ejaculation joke.] Turning her is never an option, even though Alice, Noted Psychic, says that romancing Bella will either end with her dead (exsanguinated) or dead (vampire).

This framing, where he's a dark anti-hero in love with -- but never tainting! -- the pure maiden and eventually leaving her in a grand, tragic sacrifice to preserve her soul? It's fucking bonkers. Bella isn't a person to him in this scenario. As Vinelle points out, Bella's never really a person to him at all; he falls in love with his own mental construct, cherry-picking from what he observes of her behavior and her responses to his 20 (thousand) Questions to convince himself that she is the ideal woman.

Bella's not the only one who gets the projection/cardboard-cutout treatment. Edward sees everything and everyone through a highly particular, personalized lens. He filters his entire reality, which we all do to an extent, but the thing with Edward is that he starts with his conclusions and then only pays attention to the evidence that supports those conclusions. Often that evidence consists of what he admits in New Moon are only "surface" thoughts -- but recognizing that limitation doesn't keep him from taking those thoughts as representative of what people are. Edward then becomes absolutely convinced by his own "reasoning" and won't be swayed from what he has decided is Objectively True. It's obvious with Bella; it's also painfully obvious with Rosalie. (Vinelle explains this and brings up Edward's raging Madonna/Whore complex in the same post, so refer to that again -- she's right.)

He also catastrophizes. Everything. Bella's just vibing in her room, rereading Wuthering Heights for the 87th time? She's gonna be hit by a meteor, better sneak into her room while she sleeps. Bella's going to the beach with the filthy mundanes their human classmates? She's gonna fall in the ocean. Jasper's cannibal pals are stopping by for a visit, but know not to hunt in the area? DISASTER, DEFCON 1, ALSO FUCK YOU JASPER FOR EVEN EXISTING IN MY AND BELLA'S SPHERE YOU UNSPEAKABLE BURDEN. Edward must believe that Bella is vulnerable and in near-constant peril, to support the reality he has created in which he is the villain turned protector and maybe?? hero??? (!!!) for his beloved. So when the actual, James-shaped danger arrives, he goes berserk, snarling and flipping his shit and generally not helping the situation. His fantasy demands that Bella remain human, so instead of doing the very thing Alice, Noted Psychic, assures him will neutralize the threat (and not just a threat to Bella, either, but to Bella's family and any other human James might decide to include in the "game"), he vetoes it immediately, no discussion. Bella Must Not Turn, and he sticks to those guns despite James nearly reducing her to ground beef, despite leaving Bella catatonic with depression (but human! success!) in New Moon, despite Aro's order and his family's vote and, let's not forget, Bella's clearly and repeatedly stated desire to be a vampire. It's going to happen. But he doesn't accept it until Renesmee busts out of Bella like the Kool-Aid man and the poor girl's heart finally, unequivocally stops.

Sane people don't behave this way. I don't want to slap labels on Edward, but I can't help but note that he comes across as highly narcissistic. He's the only real person in his universe, the lone player among us NPCs. That probably has a lot to do with him being frozen in the mindset and maturity of a seventeen-year-old boy, but I think it's also just...him, on some fundamental level. His failure to connect with others and recognize them as full, independent beings with their own wants and priorities isn't like Bella's failure -- she's badly depressed. Edward is...something else, and I get the sense that his sanity has been steadily deteriorating over time. And a cursory google of narcissistic traits turns up some familiar-looking stuff. He's self-loathing, yes, but also grandiose; he hates himself for the monster he is (and hates most vampires besides Esme and Carlisle for their monstrosity, too) but still feels superior to humans, to the extent that he felt entitled to human blood and resented Carlisle for depriving him of his "proper" diet. He eventually returns to Carlisle, but he's far from content -- the beginning of Midnight Sun finds him in a state of ennui, bored and dismissive of (if not outright disgusted by) everyone around him, that has apparently persisted for years and years. He doesn't play the piano, he doesn't compose, he doesn't enjoy anything...at least until Bella comes along and then he becomes obsessed to a disturbing degree with her and his new, romantic tragedy spin on reality.

[Next-day edit: I’m not sure where else to fit this in, but the way Edward casually contemplates violence against people who have, at best, mildly annoyed him is...chilling. I have a hard time writing off his strategizing how to murder the entire Biology class as a result of bloodlust -- it’s so calculated, nothing like the blackout state of thirst Emmett describes when he encountered his own “singer,” and that is probably the default for when a vampire is extremely thirsty. But even ignoring the Biology class incident, Edward still does things like consider, with disturbing frequency, how he might grievously injure or kill Mike Newton, all because...Edward considers him his romantic rival (despite Bella barely giving the kid the time of day). He thinks about slapping Mike through a wall, which might be an amusing slapstick image, except as a vampire Edward’s actually capable of turning this boy’s skeleton to a fine powder. So it’s, y’know, kind of sick when you think about it.

But even worse than that, when Bella tells Edward about how she flirted with Jacob to get at that sweet, sweet vampire lore, Edward chuckles and then, after dropping Bella home, flippantly observes that now that the treaty’s broken, why not genocide? I’m not even kidding, it’s right there in Midnight Sun; he seriously thinks about the fact that he’d be technically justified now in wiping out the entire tribe because a teenager tried to impress a girl with a spooky story. That is fucked. Remember, Edward was there with Carlisle when the treaty was first established. He knows how remarkable it is that they even came to a truce in the first place, that it was only ever possible because Carlisle is...well, Carlisle, and that it marks a pretty significant moment in supernatural history. He doesn’t care; he doesn’t respect it, or he’d never think something like “Ha ha, if I went and killed them all, I wouldn’t even be wrong. I mean, I won’t do it, but I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be wrong.”

Again: not the thought process or behavior of a sane person. (Or a person that respects life in general -- sorry Carlisle, big L.)]

Finally, whether he's a narcissist or not, I think the fact that Edward has constant, unavoidable access to everyone's thoughts is a powerful contributing factor to his instability. He can tune out the mental noise to an extent, but he can't stop it -- so he comes to rely on it like another sense. This causes issues with disconnect and lack of empathy, of course, but there's another facet to this shit diamond: he's basically experiencing a ceaseless flow of intrusive thoughts. His narration in Midnight Sun suggests that he "hears" the words people think, can "see" what they visualize in their mind's eye, and can sense the emotional "tone" and intensity of their thoughts. Therefore, perceiving Jasper's thirst through his thoughts makes Edward more aware of his own, "doubling" the discomfort. This would be a lot to deal with even from just his immediate coven members, but Edward gets all of this pouring into his head like a firehose on a day-to-day basis because the Cullens live right alongside humans. I know Meyerpires have galaxy brains or whatever, but that's a ton to process.

Besides the compounding effect on his own thirst when he "feels" the thirst of others, Meyer never suggests that Edward has difficulty separating his own thoughts from other people's; even when he was newly turned, he recognized Carlisle's "voice" in his head as Carlisle's. That would create a whole different host of issues around identity, but it looks like Edward's escaped that particular torment. However, I can easily imagine that what he does experience is just shy of unbearable nonetheless, with an eroding effect on his sanity over decades. He can't sleep to escape it; he's on a dishwater diet and probably (like the rest of his family) experiencing a perpetual, low-grade physical discomfort due to his thirst never being fully satisfied; and he's around far more people than is the norm for vampires -- even discounting all the humans, his own coven is unusually large -- meaning more noise.

Honestly, it would be weirder if he were all there, considering.

And even though I feel like I lost a sense of structure around where I started ranting about telepathy, I've written like 1.5k words about Edward fucking Cullen and I think that's enough for one post.

[i-make-fun-of-spn-characters]

I feel like you've given most spn related things some lil spice but I always love the spice on this : hot spicy take on the "Dean is the most horrible character and ruins everyone's life and Sam and Cas are poor little meow meows who only do bad things sometimes because tyran Dean farted in their direction" takes that are not really only said by anti-Dean peeps ? Obsessed with that incredible thesis and would love the added spice ❤

SPICY HOT HOT GHOST PEPPERS CAROLINA REAPERS HELP I'M BURNING

I really try to respect other people’s opinions, and I believe there are a wealth of ways to interpret a story, and I think that’s a deeply beautiful thing. This applies to interpretations I don't agree with and outright dislike as well. That said, some opinions are simply and objectively bad, dishonest, and/or demonstrably false, and I truly do not believe you can sit down and honestly watch through the show with an open mind about all the characters, truly pay attention to what they do, say, and believe, and come to the conclusion that this show is about an evil manipulative abusive man terrorizing his pure and sinless brother and friend. It is an interpretation built from cherry picking facts to suit an ugly, miserable theory, making Mount Everest out of a bunch of the tiny mole hills, making the worst possible presumptions of feelings and intentions, and holding characters to completely different standards in order to neatly divide them into "abused" and "abuser" in a way that, frankly, fetishizes the abused person. I despise this interpretation of the story with every fiber of my being, and I have absolutely no respect for the opinion of anyone who peddles it, regardless of who they cast as villain/victim (because people have also done this with the others—it’s just more “popular” to do it with Dean... I mean... does anyone else remember how people were shitting on Sam after his emotional reaction in 14.12? Calling him an evil abuser? Because I do).

The thing that always gets me about this take isn't just how dishonest, unfair, mean-spirited, and compassionless it is in its treatment of Dean’s feelings, circumstances, and intentions... but how deeply reductive and offensive it is toward Sam and Castiel, sucking away their identities to turn them into effigies to mourn for their sad, Stockholm syndrome-esque attachment to their "abuser". Further, it grips the heart of the show—the relationship between Sam and Dean, and then the relationship among TFW as a whole—in a tight, uncompromising fist and pulverizes it. It literally rips out the heart of the show (the RELATIONSHIPS) and replaces it with something unprepossessing of any merit: A miserable, 15 years long story about a malicious abuser getting away with terrorizing those closest to him for his entire life, while his poor abuse victims suffer through until they die for him/happy to be reunited with him because they “don’t know any better” and never ever learned better, I guess. What a stupid, sad sack of a story.

Castiel is a thousands of years old celestial being who has literally beaten Dean into the pavement under no form of mind control, and has shown over and over again that he will do whatever the hell he wants, regardless of whatever Dean thinks about being sidelined. If he thinks whatever he is doing is in Dean's best interest, he literally does not care how Dean feels about it. He will nod and smile and then fly off and swallow thousands of souls with Dean begging him not to, shove Dean out of the way to attack the big bad, leave Dean alone in Purgatory, refuse to come out of Purgatory so he can self-flagellate, fly off with the angel tablet, help Sam with the Book of the Damned, let Lucifer possess him without anyone's knowledge or agreement, come into Dean's room under the guise of apologizing for ghosting him so that he can steal The Colt out from under his pillow and murder someone, decide not to murder that person and still prevent Sam and Dean from helping by knocking them both unconscious, get himself killed, make a deal to trade his life for Jack's and never tell anyone, hide information and worries and ignore phone calls, ghost Sam and Dean, and bicker and fight with Dean as if they are a married couple. Love sickness and feelings of worthlessness (which Cas has a wealth of reasons to feel—many of which aren’t even related to Dean but to his heavenly family) are reinterpreted as the result of some sort of constant, terrorizing emotional abuse. Power and authority that Dean does not actually have is forced into his hands by these fans. Maybe listen when Cas says, “Hey—not everything is your fault.” Maybe listen when he says “I loved the whole world because of you”, calls Dean a role model, says he enjoys their conversations, offers to die with him and dies for him multiple times. Maybe treat these feelings as genuine and valid and HIS and not as the delusions of some poor manipulated baby. 

Sam is framed this way even more often than Cas, and it's a damn shame, because what I typically see is this: Sam’s development into a mediator and peacemaker is twisted and reinterpreted as coming from a place of weakness and/or fear. Rationality, maturity, wisdom, and compassion are not the traits of a scared, powerless child. They are the traits of a mature adult, who has been beaten down by life, and fought and raged against his circumstances, and somehow come out of it with more kindness and understanding and strength instead of less. He has made his own decisions whenever it was possible, within the set of circumstances doled out to him. From telling his dad to go fuck himself and going to college, to getting back into hunting to avenge Jess (NOT because of Dean—Dean took him home without complaint at the end of the woman in white case), to continuing to hunt after their father died because he wanted to feel close to him (Dean was actually weirded out and sort of disgusted by this), raging and fighting to save Dean from his deal against Dean’s wishes, continuing to hunt and working with Ruby (directly against Dean’s dying wish), drinking demon blood, jumping in the cage, leaving hunting to go be with Amelia, coming back to hunting to save Kevin, fighting with Dean over what he had with Amelia and threatening to leave if Dean didn't shut his mouth, leaving Amelia to go back to hunting (Dean ultimately suggests he go back to her—Sam chooses to stay), trying to kill Benny, demanding to be the one to do The Trials and saying he is going to SURVIVE them—that being the ENTIRE POINT, losing that resolve in a fit of depression but choosing to drop the knife, demanding space from Dean (and being given it), fighting to save Demon Dean who didn’t want to be found or saved, using the Book of the Damned against Dean’s wishes, telling Charlie that this is what he wants—that he used to want normal but now all he wants is to hunt with Dean and that he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he can’t have that, unleashing the Darkness in his desperation to keep Dean with him and even saying, “I would do it again” in the aftermath, saving the town being destroyed by Amara, getting into The Cage with Lucifer, leading a team against the British Men of Letters, nurturing Jack, punching Dean in the face when he was going to sacrifice himself, leading more hunters, wielding a gun against Chuck... and that’s just some highlights. Sam Fucking Winchester does not need your bullshit about him being some sad, scared, helpless baby lorded over by mean old Dean who has never let him do anything he wants. 

Yes, in the text itself, there is jealousy and resentment at times, and there is legitimate and righteous anger on Sam’s part on a few occasions. There is blame cast on Dean by Sam for some of these choices/circumstances. Some of those moments where Dean is blamed are legitimate, and some of them... frankly, are not. Within the framework of the fucked up dynamics of the way they were raised, Sam and some fans bristle when they feel Dean is casting himself as the parent he is not, but Sam also has been guilty in the past of trying to reframe himself as Dean’s child when things got tough. Neither of them is responsible for the origin of that dynamic, but they BOTH have responsibility to change it, and they both, ultimately, succeed in doing so. For Sam, his part comes in recognizing and learning to fully own his own choices. Recognizing that he is not a child, and he is certainly not Dean’s child, and it isn’t just “Mummy—loosen the grip”, but Sam has to too—not claim independence only to blame Dean for his choices when his own decisions have an ultimate outcome he is unhappy with. That is a legitimate arc that Sam goes through imo, but he comes out the other side of it, and he and Dean relate to each other much better as peers from then on—and I’d like to note that throughout the entire series, when they don’t relate as perfect peers and teammates, it isn’t always Dean “bossing Sam around”, but Sam also trying to sideline Dean and yes—boss him around. And when they lied and hurt each other and yes, even manipulated each other, Dean most certainly wasn't always the one doing the lying and hurting and manipulating. Always, always, ALWAYS, they both had an understandable point of view, and it was complex, and you could understand why they made the choices they did, even if you thought of those choices as being wrong ones. 

I also would like to point out (because this is basically what I see all of the time) that Dean being hurt by someone or simply voicing his feelings or opinion is in no way abusive or manipulative. Dean is certainly charismatic and loved and his returning love and respect is often deeply desired, but he is not an actual siren, who bends people to his will simply by speaking or being. People are, in fact, able to tell him “no”, and frequently FREQUENTLY do. Further more, no one is owed his affection, his unwavering loyalty, or his trust. He has a right to his boundaries, regardless of if it makes some poor sad sap feel deprived of the “wellspring of coveted love” while he works through things. He can be hurt and angry, and he can wear his heart on his sleeve at times, and he can be flawed, and broken. [Insert Castiel's speech from 15.18 here]. So can Sam. So can Cas. None of them are manipulating each other by virtue of getting angry, feeling hurt, being traumatized, needing space, or having differing opinions or feelings. Sam didn’t punch Dean in the face in 14.12 because he's a cruel, manipulative abuser trying to force Dean under his thumb. He didn’t work behind Dean’s back with Ruby, insist on doing The Trials, beg Dean to use Doc Benton’s alchemy, use the Book of the Damned to cure Dean, pump him full of blood to cure him of being a demon despite the fact that it might kill him, or scream at him and fight him for wanting to get in the Ma’lak box because he “doesn’t respect his autonomy” and “wants to control him” and “doesn’t respect his right to his own body”. He did it because he loves him desperately, and Dean could stand to fucking hate himself less, and he fiercely wanted Dean to live even when Dean didn’t want to or couldn’t picture what that could be like. He didn’t force Dean to do anything simply by opening his mouth to voice disagreement and swaying Dean when he did so. Now reverse that. 

Cas didn't beat Dean into the ground in season 5 because he wanted to terrorize him into never going against Castiel ever again. He didn’t go behind his back dozens of times, sideline him, go MIA, all because he wanted to manipulate and control Dean and punish him. He didn’t throw sassy remarks at him to shatter his self-esteem. Now reverse that. 

*Breathes*

Anyway, fuck "X is abusive” interpretations. 

[justlookingvm]

Tessa Virtue’s leap from Figure Skating Olympic Champion to Executive MBA | Kneading Dough Canada

https://youtu.be/JAAkEDRFJ1A

Host: Vinay Virmani

T: If you’re going to build something, you need options in your life. I’ll say this especially as females, it’s important to be independent. To feel like you can be self-reliant and to take care of yourself.

[Intro presented by Tangerine]

V: Tessa, welcome to Kneading Dough Canada.

T: Thank you so much for having me.

V: It’s a pleasure. Kneading Dough Canada is a financial empowerment platform as you know, where we talk money, we talk mindset, we talk about financial lessons that you’ve learned along the way to hopefully inspire the next generation.

T: Well I’m so grateful to be on, I really appreciate it. I think it’s always refreshing to hopefully lend that female lens but also maybe that perspective from the amateur sport world too.

V: Yeah, you know Tessa you’ve accomplished so much, both in your personal and in your professional life. As an athlete you have achieved so many incredible honours, you’ve represented us, this country of Canada at the highest of international levels, but what I’m really excited about is you’re about to add another accomplishment in the form of three very special letters, MBA behind your name. Talk to me about that decision.

T: It’s been you know lingering in my mind for a long time. Education was always a priority in my household growing up in my family, and I thought about law school for quite some time and then I retired at 28 or 29 and thought maybe that’s too long (giggle) and realized also I wanted to flex a bit of a creative muscle. So this MBA program has been a dream of mine for quite some time. I want to be a student again in every sense of the word and I’m eager to learn the ins and outs of the business realm and that corporate sphere that I’ve had a unique perspective of, you know for 10 15 years, but if I’m going to take on a new role whatever that may be then I really want to feel like I’ve adopted that rookie mindset once again, and earned my stripes, I’ve gotten the credibility to to deserve a place there.

V: I want to take it to the world of figure skating though, because the world of figure skating is so glamorous as a sport. You know

T: I wasn’t sure where that sentence was going to land. It could have gone so many directions.

V: I I’m so like fascinated by the world of figure skating because the glamour, the imagination, the costumes, the drama, the whole production value. It looks so beautiful and elegant, but behind it there’s also rigorous routine, training and it’s not cheap.

T: Uh huh

V: So growing up, dd you have those conversations with your family and did you understand the investment that it was taking to sort of put you through the highest levels of figure skating.

T: The 2 things that my parents were always wiling to invest in or prioritize were education and sport. And it was important to them that we were exposed to as much as we could be. I’m the youngest of four. You know I’m of two minds because on one hand I do believe they tried to shield me from the burden of that sacrifice, that they made for all kids and for you know all of these adventures. But I was also keenly aware of it. I knew the the toll and I knew the cost and um you know I felt that responsibility…

V: Was there anything that you remember early on where there was an incident or a moment where you were like, I recognize like you talked about the toll.

T: My parents were so conscious to ensure that I wasn’t carrying that weight, and yet I moved away from home  when I was 13 and I was kind of budgeting at that age for groceries and 7-eleven runs (laughs), whatever it is that a 13 year old needs. Taking taxis everywhere and I made a decision when I was 15 um to be able to do it on my own. My mom was always quick to say you know you have to look after yourself and you always have to make your own way and she was all about sort of creating that sense of security and freedom, so that I had options.

To be honest I had a tumultuous relationship with my father when I was a teen and I think it was just a decision, at that point. I didn’t feel right.

V: Yeah

T: I didn’t feel right accepting that kind of support anymore um and maybe it was a bit of pride you know, not wanting to

V: You don’t want to be dependent on anybody.

T: Totally. Yeah, and that’s not to say that I’m not aware of the privilege that I had growing up to have those opportunities. It was just a real marker of OK, if this is the path I’m choosing, um and I really need to make sure that I can I can do it on my own or in a way that really isn’t such a burden.

V: You know talking to you today has reinforced independence. You know being independent, not being dependent and and just being self-sufficient. And how gratifying that is, you know I think a lot of people, especially as you said, I hope a lot of young women watch this show and and really listen to your advice. And the fact that you took that decision at such an early age.

T: You know it’s interesting I found old journals not too long ago, and there was a page in one and I don’t know, judging by my handwriting I might have been 12? 11 or 12? And I had written my goals and that were, you know the to win the Olympics, be on Oprah, which I’ll settle for uninterrupted and Kneading Dough, uh buy a cottage, like buy a family cottage

V: Right

T: And at 12 that was on my mind and the feeling of walking into this cottage that my mom and I were able to dream of and then buy together, is so visceral and it’s it’s so much about, like I think back to being young and maybe not having, especially for her like that sense of security and and just really feeling like that can be a safe place now. Um so again it’s more of the representation of that.

V: I’ve heard you say something that has really resonated with me always because it’s something that I believe in. That the highs are so much better when you’ve experienced the lows. And obviously Scott Moir and yourself accomplished so many great things together. Something that I always try to tell the younger generation is, sometimes you have to just sit back celebrate your failures.

T: Well we learned to embrace it by making it part of our process, in that, not only did we anticipate failure and expect it and embrace it, well, we practiced it. So we learned to fall on demand, get back up, refocus, and

V: OK

T: be back into our program still trying to amalgamate as many points as possible.

V: You know I remember once um I must have been in grade school and I and I failed a few subjects. I was never a good student.

T: OK

V: And you know we didn’t have a lot of money at the time and I remember my my dad, I was really afraid to tell him that you know I’ve failed these courses and blah blah blah, but he said to the family, he said, alright everybody get ready we’re going for dinner. And we went to this restaurant that was only saved for like birthdays or anniversaries. And so we get there and he’s ordering all these great things on the menu and I’m like “dad, I don’t think you heard me like I failed, like I failed and here you are taking it t the restaurant.” And I remember he looked at me and he said “You know I want you to celebrate this failure. I want you to take it in because if you’re winning all the time, you’re not going to learn anything.”

T: Wow, and obviously that stayed with you

V: Oh yeah, you’re always going to learn so much more from the losses.

This next set of questions is called the two cents round, so you can’t overthink these things.

Tessa, we all know about your discipline but what do you splurge on?

T: Clothes

V: Clothes, OK, all right. What part of your budget are you working on lowering?

T: Clothes (big laugh). Actually not really because I will say, it’s more what it represents like part of that is like my I love it and it’s become also intertwined with my career and my brand if you will. Um

V: Its an investment in yourself.

T: I think so, that’s how I twist it

V: So, what is us the best financial decision you’ve made so far?

T: Hire the right people

V: Building the right team around you.

T: Yeah absolutely.

V: Describe your financial persona in just one word.

T: I want to say careful?

V: Careful.

T: Careful in that I’m strategic

V: I like that, OK

T: But I’m willing to have some fun.

V: OK, all right. Tessa if you could run any business, what would it be?

T:  My own.

V: Your own. OK. All right I’m not going to push you more. [Tessa laughs]. They say patience is a virtue, how long did your first paycheck last?

T: I mean I spent my whole career basically operating at a deficit, so everything went back into training. I worked towards certain things and the you know I was really fortunate to get some funding and bursary grants, and then eventually sponsors and um was able to build this little nest egg, but mostly  it went right back into training.

V: Tessa, this year we’ve been having such important and meaningful conversations about women in sport. And you know of course there’s such a long way to go for those conversations really to achieve equality, but as somebody who’s such a big advocate for women’s empowerment in sport, how do you feel that you want to lend your voice to those conversations?

T: I think, currently the biggest impact I feel I can have is really connecting with those young female athletes at that precipice of maybe dropping out um for all the heart breaking reasons that we’re learning about through research. Whether that is you know body image, or lack of self-confidence, lack of self-worth, it’s just not good enough. Like the access to resources, there are opportunities, um I think those conversations are really important and that’s where I’ve been feeling most fulfilled, when I’m able to connect with those athletes and you know I’ve been able to benefit from all of the lessons and the opportunities that sport has lended it uh to my life. And I just so want that for other female athletes. And you know we’re seeing that there are more mentors, more representation, more access to viewing these formidable female athletes, and I hope that resonates.

V: Tessa, we’ve uh had the opportunity to work on a few branded campaigns together. There’s this Tessa grace, and there’s this element of everything being held to a certain standard. In everything that you do, especially things that are public facing. Talk to me a bit about that.

T: I hate the word brand but I’m going to say it, my brand has been

V: I mean you definitely have a very strong brand

T: Well it’s been built on the very foundation of me and my personality and if those values aren’t upheld in every sense of you know the word, then I’m I’m not useful to anyone. Then I’m then no brand would want to hire me, um because it if it gets diluted, then I then I just think um it’s losing the very essence of what resonates with people. And I’m really careful about that like I only partner and pair with brands that I would authentically stand behind and feel really good about promoting.  

V: I love that

T: And I’m conscious of where I lend my voice and my likeness, a very clear mission statement, and you know I love to be hands on but that’s where like the creative fulfilment comes in

V: Right

T: And honestly that’s where the most successful engagement also comes. If I’m involved and it’s a collaborative process, um it’s much more successful for the brand too.

V: You know, over this past year, there’s been such a strong connection to mental health and financial wellness. Many Canadians have a very high debt to income ratio, which can be very stressful. For you, how do you protect not only your mental health, but when it comes to financial wellness. How do you really protect your sanity?

T: As an amateur athlete I grappled with that um day after day. I think it’s important to find purpose in saving and planning. So, you know my mom started those conversations with me when I was young but that was all to sort of plant the seed of like you need to plan for this. And if you’re going to build something you need options in your life. For me you know it’s helped having a corporation for example, because a lot of my money is tied up there and it it’s great um but, it’s also made me very careful and strategic in how I spend it.

V: What is your one big piece of financial advice to all young women out there?

T: Surround yourself with the right people and set yourself up for independence.

V: I love that. Financial freedom.

T: Financial freedom.

[logarithmicpanda]

Let's talk about Gojo Satoru

Because he has both the Gojo's inherited technique and the Six eyes (which seems to be something different?) he was pitched from a young age as "the strongest".

We don't see much of his childhood, just the scene where Fushimoto Toji went to "see what the fuss was about", but already as a kid Satoru was strong enough to perceive his presence (and he is the only person ever to be able to do so).

Then as a teenager, he is predictably cocky, arrogant and harsh in his words, but if you look closely at his actions, he is actually very kind to people? Even if he calls her weak, he goes out of his way to rescue Utahime when it becomes obvious she's in trouble. He tells Suguru that protecting the weak is a pain, but he is never shown actually avoiding his responsibilities (though he is willing to sacrifice people to save the majority. Satoru sees the trolley problem and doesn't wait one second to go over one person in order to save five.)

When it comes to Amanai, once he is ordered to respect her wishes instead of putting her somewhere safe straight away, he goes above and beyond to lengthen the time of her freedom. Even before meeting her, he decides that if she doesn't want to be merged with Tengen, he will protect her and deal with the consequences. When Kuroi gets kidnapped, he accepts Amanai's demand to go along, even if it's riskier, just so she can say properly goodbye to her. He decides to extend their time in Okinawa so she can have fun, even if he has to spend two nights without sleep and use his technique non stop.

Then there is his "god complex" moment. Even Toji can tell he is high as fuck. He paradoxically register his own guilt over not feeling angry on Amanai's behalf, but he still has some of that anger - that's why he is tempted to wipe out the cult people, even if they don't have any powers and are no threat to him. Maybe without Suguru there, he would have done so, but he relies on him to be his moral compass while he's aware of being in an abnormal state, because despite shitting on Suguru's morals with his words, he actually trusts him to make the good call.

Even high as a kite, he takes the time to listen to the last words of Toji, someone who literally tried to kill him, and hurt and killed his friends.

For a full year after that, he focuses on working his ass off to perfect his technique. Now that's pure speculation on my part, but as a gifted kid, I'm pretty sure he never expended effort on getting better before, since he was already assumed to be "the strongest". But he probably feels guilt over failing to save Amanai, and so he becomes driven to be absolutely flawless.

We're only shown it through Suguru's lenses, but he notices and worries when Suguru appears to have lost weight. When Suguru finally breaks and betray the school, Satoru goes after him for an explanation, first and foremost. And when faced with the fact that he could, in fact, realize Suguru's vision with his powers, his own moral compass is what keeps him from doing it. Even so, he is unable to kill Suguru to protect others (which shows that despite his ruthlessness, he is still very much human. It's easier to consider lives as numbers when you don't know the people involved, and harder to do when someone you love is in the balance).

That's a second pivotal moment for him: him alone being the strongest is not enough. All his work is not enough. What he needs is reliable allies, and he choses to make them by becoming a teacher. He says himself he could raze the system to the ground and kill all the higher ups, but that he doesn't believe it would lead to a lasting change - he's aware that anything built through his sole strength would crumble the moment he's out of the game.

And one of the ways he looks for allies is by looking for Megumi. He doesn't make his choice for him, he doesn't bully him even when he reminds him so much of Toji, he just gives him options and later on nurtures him, with the expectation that he can become just as strong as Satoru himself. When Megumi is shown as being willing to sacrifice himself to win, Satoru teaches him that his disregard for survival is getting in the way of his progress.

Is he sometimes manipulative? Does he put his students in dangerous situations? Yes. But they are exorcists. Danger is coming for them one way or another, and for the most part, the risks Satoru throws at them are calculated to push them to their limits, but not break them. Itadori and Yuuta are obvious exemples of dangerous people he gave a chance to, and protected from a system that would crush them, but so is Miguel. We still don't know that much about him, but he used to be Suguru's ally and Satoru seems to have turned him, one way or another, because he is not gratuitously cruel.

Even when he finally puts down Suguru, he is too compassionate to either curse him (which from what we've seen of the jjk universe, could make him into a very valuable tool) or bring back his body for dissection.

So yes, Satoru is full of himself and teases people and pushes them to their limits. But he is never needlessly cruel, and he fights for the good of the weak he so adamantly pretends to despise.

[nightwingmyboi]

So remember how you made a post about Dick killing the clown? I remembered something else.. Which needs some love too but I'm not.. articulate enough. It's Tomasi's Nightwing run, him and Tim went to an island to save the mother of.. something. And Dick killed a man, like electrocuted him and let him drown and we got shots of the dead guy with other drowned corpses, to save a baby. That was. Oof. Horrible villain though I'm glad he's dead.

Yeah, that situation is pretty interesting. I feel like you articulated it just fine...like you said, Dick caused lightning to strike a guy named Creighton Kendall in order to save a baby. 

Nightwing (1996) #146

Nightwing definitely killed that guy, and it was kind of sudden! Now, I would add that Dick only resorted to such measures after Kendal threatened the baby, and that anon is spot on when they say that Kendal was a horrible human being. He committed mass murder, and he had a room full of hundreds of dead babies. So, absolute shitbag. Even Talia tried to shut his operation down. So, Dick isn’t killing some run of the mill criminal here. Still, Dick didn’t really dwell on how he handled the situation, which one maybe might expect considering how he has gone to great lengths to avoid killing in the past?

I had to mull this situation over for a while, because I couldn’t decide whether I thought it was out of character or not. How could someone who is often described like this: 

New Titans (1988) Annual #7

Seemingly forsake his moral code so quickly and easily? Eventually, I feel like I was able to wrap my head around things. I do think that this was ultimately in character for Dick, though perhaps Tomasi should have addressed the impact/aftermath more. I think that the key thing to realize is that, as much as Dick’s morality is often simplified to being Bruce’s no-kill rule copy and pasted, it’s all a bit more complex than that. 

Nightwing (1996) #112

Batman would say that morals are the bottom line, the thing that lasts. I’ve heard him say that no matter what, you can always depend on yourself to respond with predetermined ethical integrity. I know that’s true for him, but I’m not so sure I agree with the principle in general. I think most of us surprise ourselves a lot. 

So, simplifying here, but ultimately, Bruce’s code prioritizes “ethical integrity.” In Gotham’s senseless violence and chaos, Bruce anchors himself through his belief in justice. This is why, for Batman, “morals are the bottom line.” So Batman doesn’t kill. And, even for the Joker, Bruce won’t step across the line. 

Dick isn’t like that. Where Bruce is devoted to justice, to fundamental right and wrong, in a way that can at times make him seem cold, Dick’s loyalty is to people first and foremost. Dick feels an obligation to Bruce for all that he has done for him. Even more than that, Dick wants to make Batman proud. And it is that--it is Dick’s loyalty to Bruce--that motivates Dick to follow Batman’s code. 

Teen Titans/Outsiders Secret Files

Maybe what matters most is the person we’re hoping to impress. For years and years, I tried to evaluate every move I made through Batman’s eyes. I was morally reliable, predictable. When I finally let go of that, I was lost. 

Dick doesn’t totally buy into Bruce’s ideology, but he has loads of respect for the man. He wants to be deserving of Bruce’s love, and he believes in Bruce enough to trust in Batman’s code and his training. 

Having someone count on you for their physical and emotional safety is intense. It’s another set of expectations you have to live up to. And maybe they’re even more demanding than the ones you set up for yourself. 

But really, in the end, Dick isn’t as focused as Bruce is about doing what is ethically right. He’s primarily concerned with doing the thing that helps protect the people who rely on him. For Dick, friends and family are the most important thing, much more important than his own morality. This is why, whenever his loved ones are in in serious danger or are killed, you’ll see Dick contemplate crossing the line. 

New Teen Titans (1984) #18. When Kory seemingly dies in an explosion, Dick threatens to kill Komand'r

New Teen Titans (1988) #75. The Titans are nearly dead, and Dick snaps.

And by “contemplate,” I mean yell and attack lol. Dick's faith in Bruce’s code can and has been eclipsed by his desire to help people, especially when his friends and family are in serious danger. You’ll also see this pattern in the situation with the Joker. Tim seemingly dies and the Joker has spent the last several years causing hell for Dick’s family, so Dick choses to cross the line Bruce has drawn and beat the Joker to death. 

I feel like Bruce and Dick’s responses here really sum it up. See, when Bruce slips up and nearly kills the Joker (a trend in this family, I know), he thinks about the morality of his action, and regrets that he nearly became part of the evil that killed his parents: 

Batman (1940) #614

But, in contrast, when Dick allows Blockbuster to die, Dick doesn’t initially think about how it was wrong to kill someone. 

Nightwing (1996) #93

He thinks about how he has failed and let Bruce (and even Tarantula) down. Because, while Bruce views his actions in terms of ethics, Dick views his actions in terms of people. This is why Bruce and Dick, despite having very similar priorities, are often in conflict, because, though Dick is loyal to Bruce, the people Dick loves are always going to be more important to him and take priority over a code of ethics. And, though Bruce cares deeply for others, Batman can’t sacrifice his beliefs, not even for his family’s sake. Interesting dichotomy there. 

[themoonlily]

I deliberated whether or not to write anything about this, but seems I can't keep silent, so here goes...

There was a post about Éowyn and the culpability of her male relatives in her situation in ROTK, and I must admit it did not sit well with me. I'm all for Éowyn and recognising how miserable she was or how it drove her to seek death on the battlefield, but I don't tolerate the idea that her family are somehow to be blamed for it, nor what it ultimately implies: that mental illness is and must always be Someone's Fault, that you are to be blamed if you don't recognise it for what it is, or that you should naturally know how to deal with it.

Could they have done more to support her? Probably. Did they fail in recognising how depressed and self-destructive she had become? Very much so. Is it somehow because of them? I don't think it's that simple because families rarely are (especially families in a position of power).

You could go all the way back to the death of Éomund and Théodwyn, and how it would have impacted their orphaned children, how they perceived duty to the family while being in the position that they were in: the responsibility of watching over their people. Éomund and Théodwyn's deaths are namely why I can't believe Éomer would not care about his sister or do anything he can for her, if he knew she was in trouble. It's plausible that Éomer didn't even live at Edoras but rather held his seat in Aldburg, which was their birth home and previously the seat of Éomund the First Marshal. He wouldn't have watched his sister daily, and it's very likely Éomer was exceedingly busy with his duties, especially when the situation in the land worsened. Considering we don't see his private interactions with Éowyn, it's impossible to say what she did or didn't tell him, if she was showing signs of where she was headed, or if she was hiding the true extent of her despair from him in order to spare him (which people often do when they think their loved ones have more important things to worry about!). Suicidal people don't necessarily express warning signs that even their family would know to read. To judge Éomer as a careless sibling who never paid attention based just on the scene in the Houses of Healing (when she had already walked over the brink) isn't necessarily fair.

Rohirrim are a warlike culture, which would beg to imply that they valued strength and courage. It's not an environment where a person in a position of power, especially when that position is becoming increasingly challenging and demands more and more sacrifice, can manage well if they're already suffering from personal issues. It's also not an environment where you can easily show that you are suffering. Does family always know what's going on or that one of them is having mental problems? Absolutely not. Even in real life, people conceal their troubles from parents and siblings because they don't want loved ones to worry, and if they are already constantly preoccupied (by trying to lead and defend a falling nation, for example), they are even more likely not to realise what's going on. That individuals of superior experience (like long life or supernatural origin and heightened perception, i. e. Aragorn and Gandalf) notice Éowyn's state right away doesn't necessarily mean that her family don't care or that they are somehow at fault for not realising what was going on sooner. Not to mention, at that point, she had declared her situation plainly so it's not a very fair comparison.  

But there's more. What about Théoden and his depression (which I think is at least implied and more than plausible, considering his comment upon coming out of Meduseld: "It's not so dark here")? What about him actually being an old man, fearing he's falling into dotage while there's an exponentially challenging threat to his land, losing himself to despair, and questioning whether he's a failure in the eyes of his forefathers and his own culture, which places great significance in honour and individual's prowess in battle? What about the grief of losing his only child and heir in a very critical hour partly due to his own actions (or rather, his inaction)? And what about the fact he's actively being manipulated and goaded by Wormtongue into yet worse decisions while he is in this frame of mind? Didn't Théoden ride to meet his end as much as Éowyn did? Why does this old struggling man have to put his 'big girl pants' on more than anyone else and why doesn't anything about his situation call for empathy? But then, comparing mental illnesses and arguing whose condition matters the most is absurd.

(I wouldn't say no magical fuckery was involved in Théoden's behaviour as the crisis escalated - at least in the appendix it's said frankly that he was under Saruman's spells and was healed by Gandalf. The actual scene in the books isn't that straightforward, of course, although there are mentions of Wormtongue using some kind of 'leechcraft' to subdue Théoden, that he wasn’t ‘breathing free air’, and Théoden himself praising Gandalf's skill at healing. But certainly Wormtongue was ‘poisoning’ both Théoden and Éowyn’s thoughts, and that can’t have been helpful with their mental states.)

There was a very good post about how Théoden and Denethor in particular have similar narratives and arcs, and how each is teetering on a fine line between estel (hope) and despair - how one redeems himself and the other is ruined. Their family reflect this struggle in other ways, Boromir dying because his despair drove him to desire the Ring, but redeeming himself at the last moment, and Éowyn almost dying because of her despair but finding again hope in life and the prospect of healing. And that's very much the point here, not Whose Fault Is It: the stories of Théoden, Éowyn and Éomer (and of Denethor, Boromir and Faramir) are about Hope versus Despair, which ties in with the greater themes of LOTR. At least that is my takeaway here because mental illness isn’t anyone’s fault and I very much doubt that was ever Tolkien’s message. 

[moiraineswife]

Jasnah Meta - The Importance of Context

AKA: PLEASE stop saying that Jasnah is pro-genocide when she is. Not. At all. In any way. Shape or form. Whatsoever. 

TL;DR: Nowhere, at any point, in four ginormous books of text, does Jasnah ever say ‘you know what’s great? Genocide.’ She never even implies. It she never even actually, seriously, suggests it. Please stop saying she does as though it’s canon I lose 12 years of my life every time it’s mentioned. 

AND NOW FOR THE LONG VERSION BECAUSE Y’ALL KNOW I CAN’T LEAVE IT AT THAT!!!!! 

PLEASE NOTE! THERE WILL BE SOME MINOR RHYTHM OF WAR SPOILERS IN HERE. PLEASE AVERT YOUR EYEBALLS IF THIS IS A DISTRESSING CONCEPT TO YOU.

So first things first, let us discuss The Scene Itself: 

“Yes. The answer is obvious. We need to find the Heralds.”

Kaladin nodded in agreement.

“Then,” Jasnah added, “we need to kill them.”

“What?” Kaladin demanded. “Woman, are you insane?”

“The Stormfather laid it out,” Jasnah said, unperturbed. “The Heralds made a pact. When they died, their souls traveled to Damnation and trapped the spirits of the Voidbringers, preventing them from returning.”

“Yeah. Then the Heralds were tortured until they broke.”

“The Stormfather said their pact was weakened, but did not say it was destroyed,” Jasnah said. “I suggest that we at least see if one of them is willing to return to Damnation. Perhaps they can still prevent the spirits of the enemy from being reborn. It’s either that, or we completely exterminate the parshmen so that the enemy has no hosts.” She met Kaladin’s eyes. “In the face of such an atrocity, I would consider the sacrifice of one or more Heralds to be a small price.”

“Storms!” Kaladin said, standing up straight. “Have you no sympathy?”

“I have plenty, bridgeman. Fortunately, I temper it with logic. Perhaps you should consider acquiring some at a future date.”

So the only time Jasnah actually brings up this concept it’s to, hyperbolically, point out that asking the Heralds to return to Braize and trap the Fused may not be the worst idea.

She’s not actually suggesting this as a valid or legitimate tactic. It’s to contrast the plan Kaladin just called her ‘insane’ for suggesting (I bet that’s gonna hurt a million times more than it already does in 900 years when we get Jasnah’s book and backstory but hey. Back on topic) and point out that, in the face of the apocalypse, this is the kind of level they have to think on. 

I’ve already talked about the nuances of this scene at length here, so I’ll just do a quick summary: Jasnah is not as composed about any of this internally as she makes out to be - even what she suggests with the Heralds. 

When we see her alone with Ivory, reading Taln’s repeated mantra, Ivory notes that she’s troubled. The words (and where he was/how he was being treated when they were recorded) is enough to trigger a twenty year old flashback in her. 

This scene is one of the clearest moments (along with the Kharbranth thug scene, I suspect) where Jasnah’s outward projection of her internal feelings and thoughts least matches up with reality.

In spite of the inflammatory remark that sparks this all off,  she doesn’t want to assassinate any Heralds. She quite clearly says she wants to “see if one of them is WILLING to return to Damnation.” She wants to have a conversation with them, understand the Oathpact, and see if any of them would consent to buying them some time. She is not suggesting they knife one of the Heralds in a back alley. That’s Moash’s job.

This is supported by what she does in canon. Jasnah is actually the one who recognises Taln and Ash and, somehow, manages to persuade them to join her at Urithiru and help. She treats them with nothing but dignity and respect in her scenes with them in Rhythm of War, and tries to find out more about the Oathpact and their options - as she said she wanted to do.

But since Jasnah is a Kholin, which means the ‘D’ in her DNA stands for DRAMA, she doesn’t say that, instead she says: “let us find the Heralds and kill them.” (I love her so much y’all. Ahem. Anyway).

But there’s method to this madness, too. Please click the ‘keep reading’ button to discover why! (have to turn my own posts into clickbait bc they’re so long I have to put in a cut to spare ur dashboards). 

Jasnah likes to push people. She likes to force them to think, and consider all angles of a problem, and come to terms with their own thoughts and opinions. This is one of the things that frustrates Shallan about Jasnah in TWOK: 

Shallan caught a victorious glimmer in her eye. She wasn’t necessarily advocating ideas because she believed them; she just wanted to push Shallan. It was infuriating. How was Shallan to know what Jasnah really thought if she adopted conflicting points of view like this?

-TWOK 36

Jasnah doesn’t want to brutally murder the Heralds and force them to return to their maddening idea of hell. But in phrasing it as she does, she can get an insight into Kaladin. Despite the fact we know him very well at this point, this is, this is the first time Jasnah has interacted with him on-screen, and only the second time she’s met him ever. 

“That Windrunner. What do you think of him, Shallan? I find him much as I imagined his order, but I have only met him once. It has all come so quickly. After years of struggling in the shadows, everything coming to light—and despite my years of study—I understand so very little.”

Oathbringer, 33

Jasnah in that scene is deliberately being as exaggerated, ruthless, cold, and harsh as she can get away with. She’s trying to push Kaladin. She wants to bait responses from him, to get an idea of what kind of man he is, and what he stands for. She focuses entirely on him on that scene, and the reactions we as readers get see that as well. 

“If you wish, Captain,” Jasnah snapped, “I can get you some mink kits to cuddle while the adults plan. None of us want to talk about this, but that does not make it any less inevitable.”

“I’d love that,” Kaladin responded. “In turn, I’ll get you some eels to cuddle. You’ll feel right at home.”

Jasnah, curiously, smiled.

 Jasnah likes to be pushed as well. She likes to have people push back with her, and stand up for themselves, assert themselves, make their arguments. She all but encourages Dalinar to publicly do so in RoW. 

Socially, in spite of Kaladin’s rank or status as a Windrunner, it’s probably 100% Not Acceptable to ask an Alethi princess if she wants a basket full of eels to cuddle because she is one, effectively. But Jasnah’s unphased - and even pleased - by Kal’s response. She likes that she’s seeing this from him, that he’s unguarded, and passionate, and more than willing to go toe-to-toe with her, which few people are.

Also, because I foresee potential problems in this meta that I would like to nip in the bud right now, I don’t think that Jasnah is doing this to play with people? That’s not really in her nature or who she is. There’s a purpose to everything she does, and there’s a purpose to her doing this, too.

With Shallan it was to encourage her to think for herself and form her own thoughts and opinions. Just before in that scene, Shallan asked why Jasnah couldn’t just tell her what to think and what was the right philosophy to have in life. Jasnah replied it was something she had to discover for herself - and that’s how she approaches all of their studies. 

Jasnah never teaches Shallan what to think, or even what happened, despite that being the meat of her study. Instead, she teaches Shallan how to think, how to study, how to learn, how to critically reason, and how to form and argue her own thoughts and conclusions. 

With Kal, I think it’s a quick and brutal way of quickly getting to grips with a new, very important, element in what’s going on in her world. Remember, too, that one of Jasnah’s most obvious aims, aside from protecting the world, is protecting her family. And Kaladin is very close to everyone that she loves and holds most dear, while she knows nothing about him. 

However, something else that’s important to note, which, for me anyway, RoW all but confirmed: Jasnah has low cognitive empathy.

She’d come to realize, early in her youth, that she didn’t approach relationships the same way everyone else seemed to. Her partners in the past had always complained that she was too cold, so academic. That had frustrated her. How was she to learn what others felt if she couldn’t ask them?

Chapter 99 really was an absolute fucking gift, I mean really. Asexuality AND low empathy, all in one go. What a delight.

This little snippet can be read as her being asexual, potentially, but I actually think it reads more heavily and obviously about her being neurodivergent? And specially low cognitive empathy. Brandon says that, to him, Jasnah is not autistic spectrum, but you just keep giving me more evidence to say she is buddy!! Anyway. Diagnostic debates aside. 

I would guess some of y’all don’t know what the heck I mean by ‘cognitive empathy’ (I didn’t before I researched all of this a couple of years ago). 

There are two types of empathy, in strict psychology terms (and then there’s the colloquial way we use it to just mean ‘a good person with feelings’ which drives me BANANAS but that’s a rant for another day): 

Affective empathy - which basically means ‘this person around me is happy/sad/excited, I am also now feeling that way. Because emotion is infectious like a cold! How thrilling’. 

Cognitive empathy - is the ability a person has to pick up on/know what others are feeling without having to be told. Using tone/body language/facial expression etc etc. It’s something I, and a lot of other autistic people, are bad at. 

So is Jasnah! 

Her previous partners disliked her probably verbally vibe checking them every other week to find out where they were at. Jasnah was frustrated because how the heck else is she meant to know wtf?? What an absolute mood this woman is. Anyway. 

This revelation/confirmation makes a LOT of Jasnah scenes make a lot more sense. Including: chapter 64, and her insistence, to the point of it almost being illogical, that she fight without her Surgebinding to try and get as clear a picutre of what her soldiers are facing as she can. Jasnah starts off that chapter by saying she’s never actually been in a war before, and states throughout that she wasn’t prepared for what it was actually like. 

Her low empathy means that, without a personal context/experience to relate to and draw emotional experience from, she struggles to understand exactly what her troops are going through. 

Obviously she knows that ‘war is bad, battles are scary and not fun’. But she has no way of emotionally relating/truly understanding what they’re feeling. This is one of the reasons I think it’s so important to her, despite Ivory’s chiding, to do it that way so that she can understand. 

Similar thing is happening here with Kaladin. Jasnah struggles to instinctively Get Vibes from people, so she goes about things in a very scholarly way. 

She does research and makes notes (see: her little folio on the highprinces (which, by the way, misses out on several important aspects of them Shallan picks up on pretty quickly by the power of Intuition), she asks questions - and she sets up scenarios that push people into blatant emotion so she can observe and get an idea of what makes them tick. 

TL;DR TAKE TWO: Jasnah does not want to murder all of the Singers. Jasnah never says she wants to. Jasnah only uses it as a ‘see, asking the Heralds to go back to Damnation isn’t actually that bad now is it?’ hyperbolic counterpoint after Kaladin asked her if she was insane. Jasnah is not actually what she pretends to be in that scene. She is but a hapless gay who cannot detect emotions so she has to conduct her Vibe Checks differently from other people. She is highly valid in every way and i stan her.

[phynali]

more spn discussions, just skip this post y’all

 @queerbluebird​ thanks so much for engaging with my post/reply! i really enjoyed reading your response and i have a long reply here.

i’m responding to your post/reply here rather than reblogging it because honestly that thread is - so long. so very long. 

so first - 

i agree there is a difference between entitlement and what i would call, not promise, but instead “narrative follow-through”. A story that completely lacks narrative follow-through does end up feeling disappointing, or frustrating, or rage-inducing, depending on what’s happened. to me there’s a fundamental difference between critiquing a story based on follow-through and bad storytelling (which your post aims to do), versus say, creating hashtag campaigns about a character being silenced because and spreading conspiracy theories about a bad dub (among other things honestly).

and also - queerbaiting totally sucks, we definitely do agree on that.

where we disagree, i think are these two core points:

i do not see the narrative build-up that demands a follow-through. i do not see supernatural as having built up to the story that many destiel shippers seem to think was there, and no one has ever been able to point out to me any actual textual reasons that do craft that narrative build-up  

i fundamentally do not believe that destiel was ever a queerbait. queerbait involves active intent on the part of creators to tease a ship or queer representation in order to draw in $ from queer audiences without ever making it canon, so as not to alienate straight audiences. so, refering to point 1., i do not see the canon text as having laid the groundwork for a queerbait and those romantic tropes, at least not at any point in the past 7 years. and beyond the canon, the writers and producers and jensen ackles all indicated dean was straight, and that they were not writing a romance. if anyone queerbaited the fans, it was misha collins who kept teasing the possibility, and personally i would argue that was irresponsible of him. but that’s a different discussion altogether and tends to piss people off when it’s framed as such, because misha means a lot to them and it hurts to see the man who validated their feelings get criticized for the manner in which he validated them. so i’m gonna leave that aside.

beyond that, I want to engage with some of your specific quotes:

Supernatural loves to say “wait for it.” And I don’t think it’s entitled to feel betrayed if an author uses their story to say “wait for it” in order to convince you to stick with their story and then delivers the opposite after you do.

May i ask, where was the “wait for it” with destiel? this ties in directly to the queerbaiting. i indicated in my post/reply that while i see it from cas, there’s been little to no hint of any reciprocation of feelings from dean, and if anything the past 7 or so years have driven the point home that it isn’t happening. i personally am not able to see the “Wait for it” and that was the point of my question. without the “Wait for it”, i also can’t see the queerbait. 

I asked for specifics and while i totally get not having the spoons, you provided a few:

(off the top of my head for Dean though, the mixtape, his response to Cas’ death at the end of 12, subsequent grief arc, and reaction to Cas’ return in the front half of 13 rank highly. His reaction to Lucifer’s prank call in 15x19 might rate, but maybe just because it’s so recent.)

not trying to be unkind here, but i quite genuinely don’t see any of these examples as framing cas and dean in a romantic light, or as hinting at a “what if”. the mixtape is like.... okay, maybe. i had read that as being symbolic of something else, but i can see wanting to read it from a shipping lens. (i don’t however think i’d read it as baiting or “what if” - it was quite textually not framed that way. shipping, 100%, but canon build-up, not for me).

for the other examples -- grieving for someone you consider family? and being happy when they come back? that’s not shippy to me. i mean - contrast the grief he showed over cas’s death compared to his grief over, say, mary? or, less extreme, charlie? and nothing compared to how off the rails he goes when sam is dead or he thinks sam is. so i -- i just can’t see those as creating a narrative that demands a follow-through. and when your friend who is dead calls your phone? of course you hop to the door - i don’t know what is romantic about that. sam would’ve hopped just as quick if “cass” had called his phone instead.

and look - i see what is fun to ship about all that. if i shipped it, i’d be happily collecting these moments with a smile and grinning to myself about how cute they are and much they mean. but shipping it vs. it being romantically framed in the canon are two fundamentally different things. shipping doesn’t imply narrative buy-in or deliberation from the creator.

moving on, you also spoke at length about 15x18:

15x18 made the sort of statement that drew back even people who did exactly what OP said they should do, turning off the TV years ago. It wasn’t a quiet “if you’re still watching, keep waiting,” so much as a shouted “hey we’re gonna do this thing, watch this!”

i guess destiel fans vs. those of us who don’t ship it really see this as fundamentally different. because you discuss that moment as one which requires follow-through, and say that if this were heteronormative m/f love declaration, there would be that expectation of follow-through. not necessarily reciprocity, but more - more conversation, more acknowledgment, more something.

(i mean - if there was more, but that more was “hey i love you too but only platonically, sorry man” would that be better?)

but no - i actually just... disagree with your point on that front. i can see why you feel the way you do and i acknowledge that it can be read as the start of a conversation. to me though -- and clearly, now that the finale is out, how the writers saw it -- that was actually the end of a conversation. the end of, like you pointed out, 12 years. a 12-year conversation that ends in a gorgeous declaration of love, and specifically how love isn’t about being together, it’s simply about being - it’s about the fact that you love someone, and that feeling alone is the most beautiful thing in existence.

to me, that declaration can only be written and interpreted as an ending.  a sacrifice, a declaration, and a goodbye. so - while i kind of expected seeing more people in episode 20 and realize that didn’t happen largely due to covid - i’m not disappointed we didn’t see cas, because that culmination of his narrative (and then knowing he was with jack, after, rebuilding the heaven that he rebelled against and finally completing his narrative circle by fixing all the problems with it alongside the good god he sought to find all along) is kind of perfect. 

and i genuinely don’t think if cas was in a female vessel this entire time that that would change. maybe some audience members would feel differently, but i think many of us would see it for the end it was nonetheless. there’s plenty of stories with m/f ships that are one-sided and that character sacrifices themselves for the person they love, so i don’t see why this would be any different (except the bury your gays issue, but that’s a whole other and very real conversation about media tropes).

moving on to the series finale.

As many people have pointed out in praise of 15x20, Sam is the absolute most important thing in Dean’s life, his priority above anything and everything… And yet there, at the actual end of the world, Dean ignores Sam’s call and instead cries over the loss of Castiel. Dean’s loss of Castiel plays in tandem with the loss of literally the whole world. But we’re not to take that as a promise that Castiel means more to this story, or to Dean, than a couple seconds of wistfulness after the dust settles?

I... yeah. i don’t see what this even is arguing. that dean taking a minute to himself to grieve his best friend, who just died in part because dean decided to go hunt down billie (who was literally dying anyway). he’s hurting. there’s nothing about this that’s a promise - it’s an end. it’s grief. it’s the horror of losing someone you care about, and the silence that comes after. it’s fundamentally human in it’s pain. and we, the audience, are invited to grieve with dean.

so I mean - of course cas means more to this story. of course he’s meant more than a few seconds of grief, after 12 years. but just because that’s the last time we see him on screen doesn’t mean we don’t value his story, and celebrate how it too came full circle.

You mention cas as a sort of avatar for a different potential ending for the brothers, and highlight him representing:

An ending where higher powers stop yanking them around and they get to actually live in the life they’ve built for themselves.

So while i never considered cas an avatar for that, i do think we all wanted the brothers to have their freedom. “finally free.” so we can agree on wanting that end. but we disagree on whether it was delivered, i guess? because i feel it was.

you also talk about what you and many other fans conceivably wanted a happier ending to look like. can i -- i’m going to be totally honest. i have not seen a single person who’s critiquing the end saying “i just wanted sam and dean to grow old hunting together with their dog until they retire together and die of old age.”

would that be satisfying to those who are mad about the end? i personally don’t think so, but maybe my opinion is being coloured by the most vitriolic fans i’ve seen. if sam and dean got to have the life they wanted free of chuck, and dean didn’t die, and they kept going (or retired and opened a bar together!). maybe sam still had a kid, but again because romance wasn’t the point, the wife wasn’t important and they left her blurry still so we could interpret ourselves if she was a wife or a co-parent or a surrogate or what. maybe dean has a kid too, with a similar question-mark-wife. maybe we get a few images of them having a holiday with jodie and the girls. and then getting to heaven together in old age, greeting bobby with a beer, and going for a drive.

would that be an end that wouldn’t cause fandom uproar? i would enjoy it, soft an slightly discordant as it would be to me. i prefer the ending we got, bittersweet and heartbreaking though it was, but i wouldn’t be taking to social media to yell about it if we got a softer epilogue, so to speak.

on the other hand... would that still not be enough, at least not for so many of the angry fans? i’m genuinely unsure. it seems to me that so much of the ire is about destiel itself, even if people are pretending it’s about more and other things than that. not everyone, but like, a big portion of them. which leads me to believe that nothing short of dean and cas at least interpretable as together is what they wanted. if every other single thing about the existing finale was the same except that cas was the one to greet dean instead of bobby, and even with the same basic dialogue, without discussing the confession, but they have a lingering smile, and dean leaves to drive and wait for sam with the promise he’ll see cas later - 

if everything else stayed the same except who greeted dean, i genuinely don’t believe i’d be seeing almost any critique of the finale on my dash. maybe i’m cynical, but that’s where i’m at.

which is part of why i really struggle to believe that people are engaging in good faith when they critique the finale. because i feel like if it offered them either a) everything they’re purportedly asking for but still no cas and zero hint of destiel, vs. b) every other thing they claim to hate stays the same except there’s a wink and nod to destiel - i believe they would take the wink and nod. 

   On to some other things you raised:

But how can you know to walk away from a tragedy if the tragedy says “the end won’t be a tragedy, keep watching” right up until it ends in tragedy?

Oh i Get this. I hate thinking i’m consuming fun media only for it to rip my heart out at the end. i’ve literally - well, i’ve had a very unpleasant and distressing experience of this, actually. so i get it. also the opposite: i sometimes feel disappointed when i’m consuming media that is gripping and intense and painful, but then the end is too easy, too soft and happy?

BUT - supernatural never pretended it would have a happy end? the end was so. much. happier. than i ever expected. the Swan Song end was going to have Sam in hell being tortured by lucifer for eternity. according to something i read which i am fundamentally too lazy to link because who knows if it would have turned out this way but -- kripke was apparently going to have Dean jump in the cage with him at that end, if the series ended on S5? the ‘horror’ ending. completely devastating sacrifice for mankind (sam), and completely devastating sacrifice for his brother (dean). just -- oof. even if that wasn’t the plan and the series would’ve ended as the episode did - sam was still in the cage and cas was off waging war in heaven and dean was living every day knowing he was alive and his brother was being tortured.

i’m sorry if you thought you were watching a happier show. i know how much that hurts. that doesn’t mean the story was actually that happy though. sometimes, it’s on us as consumers to acknowledge we were misreading the media. i’ve had to do this. it’s hard, it hurts, but it helps you consume things healthier. i’ve had to do this growing recently, and i’m better off for it.

regarding the specific manner of dean’s death - that’s really not what my post was about and i’m not gonna address it here. i’ve talked about it elsewhere and so have others, and @lovetincture‘s original post spelled it out beautifully, in how human it was. i have feelings on how and why i loved dean’s death, and why it was the absolute opposite of what Chuck’s ending was and what he wanted (no blaze of glory), but i’ll leave those for another time.

They cast aside all the relationships they’ve built. [...] They lost/walked away from the life and home they built in the bunker. Dean got a season 1 death. Sam got a season 1 life.

I feel that there is a very huge difference between regression and progression when it comes to cyclical storytelling. And that difference seems to be missing from the ongoing discussions i’ve seen about this in fandom.

Coming full circle to season 1 does not at all mean that the development is ‘undone’ or that the story has regressed or that anything has been lost or destroyed. It can mean that, if the storyteller doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing, but in this case i don’t (personally) feel it’s a fair critique.

Dean’s death might parallel his s1 not-quite death from Faith, but the s15 result of that death is night and day. Dean is no longer alone. Dean does not go up to a lonely heaven filled with bittersweet memories, where even his canonical soulmate and him have wide gulfs between the memories they fill their shared heaven with. Dean dies a hunter, but he dies a hunter who literally saved earth and changed heaven and gets to spend eternity with his brother, side-by-side and together without all the pain and miscommunication, and he gets to see his family and loved ones too. he died having literally made the world so much better.

even without that though?

his story comes full circle, but dean’s character development isn’t about his death, it’s about the fact that in the first several seasons dean could hardly admit he cared without acting like his teeth were being pulled. he was too afraid of abandonment to ask for someone to be by his side. he was too afraid of rejection to let anyone in. and in the end? he asks sam to stay. he tells him that he loves him. he pours his heart out and says all the things that 15 years ago were stoppered in his throat, words trying and failing to claw their way free but his hurt and fears were too deep.

dean is free.

the point of dean’s story coming full circle to season 1 parallels was specifically to highlight this incredible development, not to undermine it. he is different. he is free. 

god it makes me tear up just thinking about how happy i am for him despite how gutted i was by that scene??

(i could write a similar analysis for sam, about how he left for stanford to escape his life and how his finale life montage bits were the opposite of that, but honestly this post is long enough already).

Destiel is loosely a part of that promise in the sense that Castiel is a part of that promise. The symbol of free will

You make a super interesting argument about Cas being a symbol of free will. I don’t have much to say about it, because I’m gonna mull it over, because I think it’s kinda cool and I’ve never thought about it.

That’s - all i’ve got. thanks again for engaging. i’m happy to continue the convo if you have questions or want to reblog/reply 

(though my followers might hate me omg, i’ve been spamming long spn meta posts for weeks now, it’s just been so confronting to see the ongoing fan reaction on twitter and how divided it is...)

[tvandenneagram]

Hi! I was wondering if you are planning on ever typing The 100 characters

Hi, Anon

We’ve been asked for The 100 a few times, so we’ve decided to a quick-typings of the characters. We’ve only seen some of the early seasons and  read a bit about their characters and personality, so we’ve tried to do the best we can with what we know.

NOTE: We will be doing some of the other characters in another post, this is Part 1.

Clarke Griffin: 1w2

Clarke is principled, responsible and self-sacrificing. Clarke has shown time and time again that she believes in saving everybody. She has a strong belief in the greater good and wants to do the ‘right thing.’ Clarke usually thinks before acting, but has been shown to act impulsively in certain situations. Sometimes her moral compass can make her make decisions based on absolutes that can lead to extreme consequences.

Clarke is very idealistic and tries to avoid hurting others if she can. For example, she stops the other Delinquents from killing Anya (their enemy) because it isn’t necessary. However, she does sometimes torture others, especially if she feels it is a necessary evil or if she is persuaded by Bellamy.

1s can become jaded and selfish when they are in the unhealthy levels, which we see with Clarke. After the aftermath of the Second Nuclear Apocalypse, Clarke becomes singularly interested in protecting Madi. Clarke begins to lose her own humanity and begins acting in self-interest, rather than for the greater good. Clarke shows her wing 2 as she is more people-oriented and emotional than a 1w9 would be.

Quotes

“This isn’t about saving my people. It’s about saving the human race.”

“I bear it, so they don't have too.”

"While we're on the subject, why is it that everyone thinks me wanting Jasper to not die is a bad thing? Like I'm such a downer. I can be fun."

“I tried... I tried to be the good guy.”

“Maybe life should be about more than just surviving. Don't we deserve better than that?”

Lexa: cp6w5

This may be a bit of a controversial take on Lexa’s type, as I’ve seen her typed as both an 8 and a 1. However, I think Lexa’s main motivations are to fulfil her duties as Heda and to keep her people safe. Lexa is a very strong and fierce leader, but I think she has to take on these traits to gain respect from her people. 6s and 8s both have a real emphasis on ‘survival’ which is really prominent in Lexa’s character.

Lexa is protective, dutiful, strong and loyal. She is a fierce leader that isn’t afraid to go against the traditions of her people for peace. Lexa doesn’t like hurting people and when she is forced to punish people, she tries to choose the most human punishment. She doesn’t use her power for her own interests or vengeance, as she only punishes people to gain justice for her people. Lexa also doesn’t like conflict and is seen as trying to bring peace to the factions, despite the wishes of those around her.

Lexa was not always closed-off to love and did not always believe love is a weakness. This is due to her relationship with Costia as she blames herself for her death because she couldn’t keep her safe. Hence, Lexa emotionally closes herself off from love under the guise of it being a weakness. This changes when she meets Clarke as she begins to let her guard down a little bit more and allows herself to be vulnerable with Clarke. In her relationship with Clarke, Lexa realises that she is worthy of love and that it is not a vulnerability. Lexa has a wing 5 as she is more emotionally reserved and introverted than a wing 7 would be.

Quotes

"My mistakes? Azgeda cut off Costia's head and delivered it to my bed, and still I let them into my alliance! I am more than capable of separating feelings from duty!"

“I know how hard that is for you. You think our ways are harsh, but that's how we survive.”

“Blood must have blood.”

“Victory stands on the back of sacrifice.”

“Some on my side say that's not enough. They wanted the murderer to suffer as our tradition demands. But they do not know that your suffering will be worse. What you did tonight will haunt you until the end of your days.”

Bellamy Blake: cp6w7

Bellamy is protective, assertive and responsible. Due to his childhood and his relationship with Octavia, Bellamy has always had a focus on seeking safety for himself and his family. Bellamy has a take-charge attitude and isn’t above bending the rules to survive. He is also very loyal to those he loves, and will go to great lengths to protect and help them.

As leader, Bellamy becomes controlling and begins acting in self-interest, rather than for the people. However, he realises his actions are wrong and does feel guilt over the consequences of his actions. Bellamy also did help the Delinquents survive and adapt to the conditions.

Bellamy seems to want to find meaning and something to believe in, which is common for 6s. For example, he accepts the simplistic view that the Sky People are the ‘good guys’ and the Grounder are the ‘bad guys.’ Likewise, after being trapped in Etheria, he becomes very loyal to the Disciple’s cause. This can happen to 6s when they are in the unhealthy levels, as they begin to develop an ‘us against them’ mentality and become obsessed with belief systems. Bellamy shows his wing 7 as he is more expressive than a wing 5.

Quotes

“Who we are, and who we need to be to survive are very different things.”

“I was so angry at you for leaving. I don’t want to feel that way anymore.”

"We all have things to answer for things that shouldn't be forgiven but are. because we did them for our people -- our family."

“I’m not leaving my friends! I can’t do that again.”

“Fears are fears. Slay your demons when you’re awake, they won’t be there to get you in your sleep.”

Raven Reyes: 5w6

Raven was a bit hard to type as she has traits of 1, 5, 6 and 8. I was mostly between 1w9 and 5w6 as she is very concerned with doing the right thing. However, I settled on 5w6 as I think she is more motivated by gaining knowledge so she can be a useful member of the Delinquents.

Raven is intelligent, resourceful and judgmental. Raven is a very useful member of the Delinquents due to her strong intellect. She is also very tough and will not hesitate to do what needs to be done. Sometimes, Raven can be a bit unemotional and seems to use her wit and sarcasm as a defence mechanism. However, as the series progresses we can see the emotional toll her actions has taken on her. 

5s are able to separate their emotions and fears from the task at hand, which we see with Raven. Raven is very mentally strong and is able to overcome many setbacks. She is also not afraid to speak her mind, especially if she thinks she knows more than the others. Raven shows her wing 6 as she is more practical and person-oriented than a 5w4.

Quotes

"It's not your blood that defines you. It's your heart."

"I can barely walk, and my shoulder's killing me. But, my brain is all kind of awesome."

"Well, my mom was AWOL most of my life. When she did show up, it was empty-handed. Pretty sure she had me just to trade in my rations for moonshine."

"Everywhere you go, death follows. You always want to save everyone. What you don't realize is you're the one we need saving from."

[joyful-nebula]

He needs to accept that he fucked up and move on or he's going to become undone. And I really don't think I can take another suicide (not saying that's where this will head, but it's definitely giving off those vibes again and that's partially why I stopped reading this comic for a long time it was a little too heavy and reminded me too much of stuff close to home from high school.) Lucy was definitely abusive toward him with her every-changing attitude and misplacement of her feelings and he had every right to be upset with her and end their friendship but how he went about it was beyond cruel and he knew better especially considering how well he knew her and where she was mentally. And it was, not partially, but heavily influenced by Sandy who unfortunately proved both Lucy and Paulo right. She is nothing but a dream. Everything Mike thinks he knows about her is based on childhood memories and a vision he built around her over the distance and time apart from her. The Sandy he keeps imagining is just that. She isn't real. She's in a whole different world from him and while I do believe she cares for Mike and being with him gives her a sense of normalcy from the model life, that's not what she really wants. At first, it seemed she was forced into that life by her mother who is also her manager (which with a lot of child stars that's usually the case) but Sandy stated that she likes working hard at modeling and getting her gigs down and is immensely proud of it. And there is nothing wrong with that. But just like any career but especially one like modeling it's very demanding and time-consuming and if you're trying to grow and move forward in it there have to be some sacrifices made. Rather it's certain financial luxuries, personal relationships, or educational it has to be done to meet your goals. Now of course if you can balance it all equally then wonderful. But for Sandy she already made her choice, choosing school and work. Because especially in a long-distance relationship sending flowers and texting/calling every few weeks is not sustainable, that's not a relationship. That's just stringing someone along and keeping them on the hook so you have "options". Mike worships her, makes her feel good about herself, makes her feel down to earth, he always apologizes first, and he is always there. Sandy isn't. And until we get more insight into her life, that's really how she is coming across. Because it could be her mother stopping her from contacting Mike or Sandy might like modeling but its not her dream, she's just good at it and doesn't have anything else to fall back on and truly wants to be with Mike but we just don't know that and there haven't been enough details provided us to show us that. And the only reason it's still working is all because of Mike's efforts, not hers. And he is starting to see that. He let himself become blinded and damaged a lot of relationships that could have easily been resolved had he just been honest and upfront about how he felt with people. The gang did suck with picking sides between him and Lucy not knowing just how deep their relationship was nor their problems but Mike AND Lucy not even saying anything to everyone made things worse. Lucy and Paulo are probably the only ones he had really shared things under the surface with. He talked to others like Abbey and Sue but out of everyone, it was only Lucy for the most part that he confided in, who listened to him, and who actually cared about his feelings. Did she blatantly ignore him and cross his boundaries? Oh absolutely. But Mike returned it tenfold which is another reason why their friendship or any sort of romantic relationship would have ended in flames because they had a serious co-dependency on each other, it wasn't just Lucy always leaning on him. And that shit is TOXIC (kind of shown here where it's clear that her opinion does mean something to him, else he wouldn't have said shit to her). So here we are. Lucy came back and is very much not okay. I have no idea if her family is making her go to therapy but she needs to. Because for sure she and Mike can't go back to being friends (at least not now) and she still does care for him and knows Mike isn't a horrible person deep down, he just did some horrible shit just like she has and keeping a distance is what is best for her to move on with her life (unfortunately though it's spread to everyone else since she only seems to fuck with Augustus, which is fair). Yes, his friends were not the best to him but they've accepted responsibility for how they contributed to the problem, Mike needs to do the same and move on. You did a bad thing dude accept it and move on.  (Lucy still kind of needs to reflect on herself and take some responsibility but she gets a pass since she literally almost died.)

[askmalal]

This is massively overdue for the very kind Rampant Goat, and I apologize for that...

Rampant Goat asks,  “You've got the sons of malice like but could you see a loyal marine (or marines) falling to you. How do you see that journey?”

Absolutely. Let’s look at this from an outsider’s viewpoint, ignoring any hyperbole on my part, or the part of my corporeal vessel.

A loyal Marine who is convinced to betray Terra could do so for innumerable reasons. Let's look at what the Dark Gods offer a Marine who could be lured into darkness?

- They could play upon the natural sadism of the sociopaths and psychopaths who inevitably make their way into the service. This is a problem universal to armies in every period of history. So, it's not hard to see a Marine with those tendencies drawn to Khorne or Slaanesh.

- The intellectual Marine, the ambitious Librarian, the martinet of an officer, could find some appeal in Tzeentch and the possibility of increasing one's prowess as a psyker or simply by increasing one's personal power, period. Definitely appeals to the megalomaniacal.

- The Marine with a taste for pleasures normally denied him, the Marine who suffers from PTSD and desperately wants to escape his reality, could certainly be lured by Slaanesh.

- Nurgle's a hard one, and I think his followers are usually depicted in fluff as being drawn to him out of desperation. The Death Guard fall to Nurgle not so much because of the machinations of Typhus but because, becalmed in the Warp, utterly without hope, they call out, and Nurgle answers...

And what of Malal?

Malal has classically been depicted as the God of Antipathy, Revolution, Violent Change. Some of the traits we now associate with Chaos Undivided began associated with -him-. So, it could be argued that, from an outsider's viewpoint, Malal is closest of the Dark Gods to "actual" Chaos. That, then, could appeal to a Marine with a sadistic streak.

But what about the rest of it? There are tens of thousands, perhaps millions, of Renegade Astartes. They were present before the Horus Heresy, they were present during, they remain in M42. They were drawn away from the Legions, and later the Chapters, for a variety of reasons. Desertion, mutiny, disagreements with Chapter/Legion command, exile (self-imposed or otherwise.)

What draws a man to become a Renegade? Often it's because that Marine is utterly disgruntled with the path his life has taken. And while that may be due to his being separated from his loved ones or way of life, it seems even more likely that he is disgruntled because of moral indignation at what the Imperium expects of him. The Scourged are an excellent example of this: a group of basically good men constantly co-opted by the Inquisition to do its dirty work who, after killing too many innocent people, call out for guidance from the Emperor. The Emperor doesn't answer as quickly as they'd like. Tzeentch does.

Or what about the Red Corsairs? Here are Astartes who believed that the Imperium had become too heavy handed in its levies of men and material, the Inquisition too powerful, within the worlds they were supposed to protect. Huron Blackheart becomes corrupted by Chaos out of desperation, because he sees the darkness at the heart of the Imperium, and in essence, ironically becomes that darkness.

Night Lords? Okay, did some terrible things, granted. Can't forget that. But here are Legionaries who are created to do a specific, necessary, but utterly reprehensible thing. Do they receive support from the Imperium? Does the Emperor help Curze navigate his psychic powers, does he help him to manage his mental instability? No. They're treated like monsters, and that's exactly what they become.

Malal appeals to the revolutionary aspect of what are essentially decent people. He says to them, "come, follow me, and break your chains." He gives them freedom, choice, agency. He doesn't expect fanatical cults. He doesn't demand constant sacrifices. He expects chaos. He wants disruption. Disorder. Violent social change. In the early comics, Kaleb Daark is charged with killing the agents of the other Chaos Gods because those Gods have become corrupt and unchanging things, an anathaema to the concept of Primordial Chaos. Daark kills blood-crazed madmen, slavers, plague cultists. He isn't so interested in massacring villages of innocent people who get in his way. And his very calling by Malal is a result of his desire for revenge.

What I'm trying to say, in a very rambling way, is this.

Khorne offers sadists their chance to spill blood.

Nurgle offers protection from disease and a sense of belonging.

Slaanesh offers carnal pleasures and vices to those who seek sensory overload.

Tzeentch offers whispers of power and arcane secrets.

Malal offers choice, agency, and the simple instruction to go forth in his name and burn it all down...

That appeals to me, as a writer. Malal takes the very idealism that draws so many people to join an army and twists it to his own purpose. "Go forth, liberate the slave, arm the downtrodden, ferment chaos in my name. Everything will burn. And you will bring my plans to fruition."

As for non-Marines? If you're a slave, a victim of abuse, a desperate peasant, a common conscript, what do the Dark Gods offer you aside from sensory overload? Why would you sacrifice your mind and free will to be someone's personal sex toy? To lose your life in a pointless bayonet charge? To learn secrets that only lead to more secrets and drive yourself mad in the process? To become infected with an incurable and repugnant disease that will not kill you but mark you out as a hideous monster? How does that appeal to an oppressed person? Malal has that appeal, and I think it unfortunate that we don't see those aspects played upon more directly by capable writers.

Thank you for your amazing question, little goat-mortal. And I apologize for my delayed, somewhat rambling, response. @rampantgoat

[border-spam]

Leech Lord AU short - It comes before a fall

The craggy landscape of Pandora raced by outside the tinted windows of Troy’s massive technical as the COV war machines that escorted the glossy black hulk thundered around it in a convoy, weaving between the billowing clouds of acrid dust that trailed behind the God’s chariot as they bounced and jostled along the dirt road that lead to their backwater destination.

Its deified passenger wasn’t enjoying the trip quite as much as his retinue, and was finding it difficult to deal with their raucous voices and blaring music audible over the roar of the vehicle’s engines as tires screeched over the rocky dirt road.

He rubbed at his temple, wincing quietly at each bump and grind of the car’s axles, and reminded himself why he was wasting his precious time driving to this nameless little shithole.

Pride.

(Incredible art by @lazulizard​ ) Troy had reluctantly added the town to his itinerary after noting how close it was to the cult-controlled Eridium plant he’d scheduled to inspect with his vanguard today, it had been an irritant under his skin for long enough, and it seemed fitting to gouge it out when he had a couple of hours to spare, regardless of how much he’d rather be in the Grand Cathedral right about now. The camp was a blip on the map he’d spent so long seeding across Pandora. An insignificant, pathetic speck of non COV land surrounded by the vast sprawl of the Twin’s territory, that had been in the back of his mind for months now. As his iron grip tightened on the region and the cult’s control had spread like a seeping cancer across the desert plains, the gaps had filled in piece by piece, all bar this dive. He’d figured it was time to scratch the itch, they were going to be nearby anyway, just a couple of extra hours drive in the padded luxury of his chauffeured technical and they’d still have time to be back in the Holy City by nightfall, so why not. Get it done. Make the cut.

He just wished his skull wasn’t splitting as the car lurched, or there was some company with him to lighten the mood, give him something to listen to bar the shrieks and throbbing music of his crusaders. The day had been tiring enough, the threats and sneering orders he’d snapped at the plant workers took more out of him than he’d ever feel comfortable admitting. The technical was air conditioned, comfortable, armored, and his driver pleasantly silent, but the migraine wouldn’t budge. He was tired, tired in his fucking bones, and he couldn’t even remember when the last time he hadn’t felt this way was. 

Everything was changing, or had already changed. He wasn’t sure which, but what he did know was that this, riding passenger in a 6 million dollar custom war-machine with a bottle of champagne in the platinum holder next to him he couldn’t pronounce, driving towards a shanty town with a retinue of blood thirsty marauders who carved his name into their chests and performed rites of sacrifice in his image, this was not what he’d signed up for. This wasn’t becoming a star was it, Tyreen? 

This had turned over time into something else, and he was clawing to try and keep it under control now, constantly. Scrabbling to placate the rot in his gut that whispered it was real, that he was a God, and that these people deserved what his cult did to them.

He rested his head against the blacked out glass of the window, watching the retinue belch fire and smoke from hood mounted exhausts while playfully attempting to push each other off road as they drove on, his guard’s excitement manifesting in triumphant yells and vicious warnings to “Keep your distance” - blasted from car-mounted stereo equipment that echoed out across the wastes. He wished for a moment he could still feel that level of adrenaline, that rush of carefree blood-thirst his crusader’s inebriated themselves with on runs like this. Everything was just.. grey now. Had been for a long time. He let his eyes fall closed, grounding himself. They’d arrive soon. He’d step out of this gilded cage of a car and into the spotlight. He needed to slip on the character. Place the mask. Play the part.

Time to have a nice little chat with them, an unannounced Holy visit. Find out why exactly they hadn’t accepted the COV’s gracious offer to join in all this time… give them a reason to believe.

As the town came into sight through the oily dust clouds in the distance ahead like a rusty blemish on the rocky horizon, he tensed, leaning to his side to get a straight view of it through the dark glass. A wave of disgust ran up his spine as they closed distance and the reality of its state came into focus, sharp eyes taking in the town’s condition while his retinue’s speakers turned toward it to blast an announcement of their God’s arrival.

It was tiny, filthy. Ramshackle junk housing stacked haphazardly on top of each other. Rusted cargo containers turned into homes for people with nothing else to call their own. The crudely cut windows and doors fluttered with rags and patched together clothing set out to dry in the parched desert wind, and they caught the red clouds of dust the convoy billowed into the air as the vehicles screeched to a stop in front of the shabbily constructed entrance to the village. 

It made you feel grimy just being here, he thought with a scowl as he stepped down from the technical, watching with disgust as the polished metal of his boots instantly turned dull when they crunched into the red clay beneath him. The God King flipped his fur collar higher and lazily swiped his hair into place with practiced indifference as the crusaders on either side of him thundered forward into the village with weapons raised. His personal guard immediately began to establish a perimeter away from their King, herding and snapping at panicked townspeople with efficient, well trained, deadly ease.  He took a moment to assess the terrified crowd of inhabitants that had collected in fearful groups. They were cowering in doorways and stumbling back over each other with hands raised in submissiveness as his vanguard roared orders to “Make way for Father Troy”, parents calling their scrawny children with frantic gestures to get inside their homes, no one giving even the slightest resistance to the demands of his retinue. These weren’t a threat.

Skinny. All of them. Malnourished, most in rags or barely clothed at all. Sickly kids stared at him from sunken eye-sockets over the jagged windows they peeked out of, this place was diseased. The few weapons he noted as he scanned across the crowd were rusted or poorly junked together out of scrap. These weren’t even bandits, bandits were more robust than this, these were just people. The forgotten of Pandora, the absolute bottom rung in the pecking order. People, trying to survive on a planet that you either sacrificed your morals to, or your life.

Something in his gut twisted in response to that. Something that he’d rather not think about as he strode into the village, his polished smile and immaculately clean outfit emphasising the wealth and power he held in stark contrast to the dust coated poverty he stalked into, he stood out like a wound here, twinkling jewelry and harsh metal spines of his cybernetics glinting in the evening sun. The commanding presence he emanated was amplified by the crusaders who flanked him on either side in their warped skull masks and dark leather armor, monochrome bar the neon splashed COV weapons and chrome spiked accessories they wore as uniform. No one kept God King Calypso waiting long, and the old woman stumbling towards him was clearly the town leader - considering the worried glances towards her from the rest of the villagers as they watched in nervous silence.

She stopped a couple of feet before him, not reacting to the weapons raised in unison by his vanguard, a tiny little woman, all pinprick brown eyes and brown craggy skin, who’s wispy white hair fluffs in the breeze like a cloud perched onto her scalp. She wasn’t remotely afraid, he could feel that straight away, but she bowed to him politely, spoke her crude little greeting respectfully through a dry old throat.

“Troy Calypso, welcome, majesty. Not sure why yer here, but what can we do for a God kind enough t’ grace us with his presence?”

He took the bait, sparkling smile spreading wider as his eyes narrowed , gesturing with a grand bow towards her to emphasise his reply:

“Oh, no, no ma'am, what can we do for you? That’s why I’m here. To get an answer to this tricky lil’ question at last.” he smarmed, standing to his full height again, golden fangs so clearly peeking out of the now wolf like grin as his eyes twinkled with mock kindness.

“The COV would love to welcome you into our family. Have wanted you to join for quite a while! I thought a… hah.. personal touch might help, came to have this polite chat with you myself, hope I wasn’t too forward.” he raised his mech fist slowly, counting off the bladed fingers theatrically as he continued.

“Food. Medicine. Safety. Guns. Protection, we offer the same benefits to all our followers, and we really do ask for so little in return - just your fealty, and that’s such a small th-”

“No thank you.” she croaked in reply, cutting him off mid sentence. The crowd behind her gasped in quiet shock at the rudeness, and the insult of her dismissal shot like a sniper round directly into the back of his brain. He reeled for a second, mouth souring out of the fake smile it had been locked into as he took a moment to scrutinise her wizened little face through a disapproving side-eye. The right panel of his maw twitched involuntarily - just quick enough for a flash of razor sharp teeth to catch the sunlight as it slid back into place. 

He almost mouthed his thoughts, nearly warned her to not do this, not when there were people he had to maintain his reputation in front of, but he swallowed it down instead with an arrogant tilt of his head and flex of his lithe torso. Locked it deep in his belly and hoped she’d realise her mistake.

The old woman was expressionless, but wasn’t meeting his demanding stare. Her eyes were instead trained on the skull tattoo shifting across his chest with each controlled breath, was she aware of the knife-edge she was walking on? Did she know the danger she was really playing with? He closed the distance slowly, a subtle hand gesture commanding his guards to lower their weapons as he came close enough to her to hunch down, dropping his towering frame to bring his face closer to her eye level.

He said nothing for a moment, breathing in the smell of dust and old sweat she gave off in loud, deep huffs through his nose. She was shivering, not as stoic as he’d thought. He could see that now that he was so close to her throat.

Running his tongue over the front of his teeth, he sighed. Troy was tired. He wasn’t in the mood to play this game, even when he could see ten steps ahead and knew the direction she was making the terrible mistake of heading in. Letting the persona slip away, he lowered his voice, wanting to keep this between just them and out of range of the surrounding nearby crowd.

“Lady, help me out here... I’m confused. I’m fuckin’ insulted.” He muttered, jaw a little tighter than he wanted to acknowledge as he continued.. “Your town is too small to even tax, we ask nothing from a shanty this size. I waive tithes… ” Troy paused as he turned his mouth closer to her ear, close enough for the heat of his breath to prickle the hair on her neck, and lowered his voice further till it was barely a husky whisper.

“All the COV will ask from you is loyalty. You know I could level this shithole with a nod… right? You get that I could massacre aaalll these people with just a word? Why. Why would you deny us? These people, these kids are s-starving. These kids are sick. We- I can fix that, like this:”

He snapped his flesh fingers next to her ear, and bristled pleasurably at the wave of perverse satisfaction that rolled through his stomach when she jolted in response, her paper thin eyelids fluttering. Did she understand now, he wondered, flicking his piercing gaze to one of the skinny kids holding onto their mother’s leg nearby, and the look on their face as they stared at him, like they were realising the Big Bad Wolf wasn’t entirely make believe. Did she understand the out he was giving her, the genuine offer of charity hidden behind the God King’s sneer? That he couldn’t provide it unless she bowed and played along?

She shifted a little, her stiff old shoulders popping in complaint as she did, and finally raised those warm little brown eyes to meet his bitingly cold ice blue ones.

“I didn’t mean t’ insult his liege..” she breathed, and he waited for her to continue, waited to hear her out.

“Maybe you just got too big t’ understand. Maybe bein’ so strong can leave you soft in places you don’t know about anymore. Cuz’ starving to death? Bein’ sick?” she shrugged awkwardly, lowering her eyes to his chest again.

“We all die, but at least you’d still die free.”

That stab landed. He sucked in a jagged breath and held it, shaking. The moment of silence that followed felt like a millennia to the hundred people huddled around them, too far to hear what had been said, but close enough to see his reaction to it, see the jagged black metal spines of his vertebral implant raise and vent crackling red Siren energy in response to the berserk anger their leader’s muttered words had ignited in the King.

His fist tightened by her ear as his markings flared, and the pulse of scarlet light bathed them both in that moment, reflecting cruelly in the piercing eyes that bored into the side of her head as she refused to meet his stare. 

The rage rolled off God King Calypso’s hulking frame in tangible waves... but the old woman did not waver. 

He straightened slowly, maw clicking and twitching in fury as he rose. A stringy line of drool slavered from the split mandible and landed at her feet as his eyes narrowed, and Troy smiled at her, his jaw clipping together into a friendly grin so transparently hostile you could see the fangs snapping into place behind it. His eyes scanned the crowd rapidly, pausing imperceptibly on each of those scrawny kids that hid their faces from him now, terrified past their curiosity. OK. If this is the way she wanted to play..

Then he’d do the same. ”Fine”, he barked, voice clear and loud, making sure every villager would hear what he had to say, that all eyes were locked on him as he continued. “No problem ma’am. I’m not a man to push my kindness on others. Good luck with your..." he paused to crack a false laugh, shifting his eyes to the nearest family - “Your uh.. “dying free”.” He winked at them, and then his entire demeanor shifted purposefully, making a scene of dropping the playful act and warping into grim disgust as his gaze snapped back to her, still refusing to meet his eyes. He began to turn, and gestured for his retinue to follow, their boots crunching through the dirt as they stormed to his side.  He made one final pause as the reached their vehicles and looked back, lifting his monstrous cybernetic arm to wave playfully at the gathered people, watching with satisfaction as a few cringed when the bladed fingers caught the dying sunlight.  “By the way!” he bellowed, commanding their absolute attention again as his mouth split into a wolfish grin. “If you need any help with components for building all those little kid sized coffins, give us a call, yeah? We’ll cut you a good deal.” The looks they shared were a reassurance at least. Maybe someone would listen after all.

*******

"Fucking MOVE” he hissed at his driver as a crusader closed the car’s door after him, and they gassed it at his command, the hulking technical’s tires spinning a cloud of debris towards the town's inhabitants as they covered their eyes and coughed.  He couldn’t get out of this shit-hole fast enough. Couldn’t get far enough from those *children* and the way they’d looked at him, he flicked his eyes to the rear view mirror and felt a cold chill through his burning chest as they faded into the dust behind the convoy. That stupid woman. That stubborn old bitch. She’d let them die rather than bend a fucking knee. He was disgusted, and not fully sure who with. Slamming his boot into the back of the partition in front of him and feeling the car swerve as the driver jolted, he screamed “Drop the DAMN DIVIDER, YOU MORON!!” -  panting in anger as they fumbled in panic to hit the switch and activate the internal armor at his demand. He’d barely managed to keep the storm of emotion brewing inside him contained when they finally found it, and felt a wave of relief when the reinforced metal screen closed between them, giving him privacy at last.  Troy hunched forward in his seat and pressed his fingers into the bridge of his nose, screwing his eyes closed and desperately trying not to sob. What the fuck had just happened back there? He wanted to cry, his heart felt like it was going to explode in his chest and he couldn’t seem to get enough air, lungs heaving as he shuddered in gasps while trying to swallow down the panic. What had happened? In 6 years of recruiting, 6 years since the COV had reached a level of power where they were no longer told no, he’d never encountered anything like that situation. He wasn’t prepared for it, he’d never had to deal with this mix of completely opposing emotions before. Standing there looking at sick kids he knew could help so easily, but knowing that under the scrutiny of his vanguard and the terrified eyes of the villagers, he couldn’t break character to do it. He ran his flesh fist into his hair and gripped hard into the dark mess, pulling sharply at his scalp as he crumbled further forward, head nearly between his knees as he trembled. Trying to give that bitch an out, trying to be clear in his cunning, emphasising what he was offering, and being denied the only route he had to help them by a weak old woman too proud and stubborn to give the nothing he asked for in return. Nothing! Some COV propaganda plastered about the town would have been more than enough, it didn’t make sense. He couldn’t understand. No one said no. No one denied them. He hissed as the first tear spilled down his cheek, then threw himself back into the seat and *screamed*, bludgeoning the massive mech arm into the steel divider. Not caring if the driver heard him choking out tears. Not caring if they told the others, not caring about anything anymore bar those kids, and how sick he’d been, and how powerless he was now even when he paraded himself as a God, how much of a lie it was. He had no control. He had to act the part, always, even when it was something he hated, when it wasn’t what he wanted. Troy snarled as the hot wet slick under the bracer and the telltale burn along his delicate scarred shoulder became noticeable, but didn’t stop, hammering the metal over, and over, as the agonising jolts buckled the arms outer plating more with each blow. His voice was starting to crack between sobs, wheezing on the intake as his weak lungs began to fail, but he had to spew this bile out now, knowing he couldn’t risk trying to carry this level of emotional turmoil into the Holy City while hoping the mask didn’t slip in front of Saints, or his sister. He was a fake. No God would be sobbing like this, having a tantrum alone in the back of a damn car. 

Nothing about him was fucking real. That woman had seen it, she’d looked right through him like he was glass. Straight past the bluster and fangs, to the stammering, sick, broken, weak man he’d thought he’d hidden, and known she could say no. Known straight away that she was stronger than him. He’d thought.. he’d hidden that person.. so well. Coughing a final sob as his ruined arm shuddered on damaged pistons and slid to his side, he lifted his left to cover his face, slumping back in his seat, silent now bar for the pained hiccups that followed. God.  He didn’t know what to do.. Part of him wanted to say screw it, order an airdrop of supplies off the books. Food, medicine, some guns. Anything to give them a chance out there. He was in charge of finance, no one would need to know, maybe he could manage it and keep his reputation intact...  But the other part of him wanted to send the command to have the fucking shit-hole razed to the ground.  How’s your freedom taste now, while slag melts the flesh off your bones you stupid old bitch. Troy coughed quietly, sinking lower into the seat as he rested his sore neck against the curve of the headrest, trying to steady his breathing as he forced himself to calm. There was no longer any sound outside, no shouting or broadcasts, just the dull roar of the convoy’s engines, like white noise in the back of your mind. The same craggy Pandoran landscape raced past as before, but pitch dark now, the only light being what streamed from the vanguard vehicle’s headlamps.  Suddenly, the technical bounced over a bump in the dirt track and he winced as he jolted forward, then nervously lifted the front of his coat as he felt a trickle down his right side, sighing in embarrassed defeat as he saw the blood seeping from under the bracer seam resting against his lower ribs. Perfect, he thought, banging his head back against the headrest and closing his eyes. 

Wonderful, he’d really made the right choice with that breakdown, huh. The arm was junked, his shoulder was torn to pieces, and he’d probably lost his voice. Tyreen was going to eat him alive, if she even noticed, he reminded himself with a humorless snort, too tired to even manage a sneer. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out his Echo, sniffing as he bent his head to rub his eyes on his forearm, too blurry with tears and mascara to see the display clearly. He didn’t know what to do. But she would, wouldn’t she. He slowly thumbed through the 2 years of unanswered messages, all read, over and over on nights when things were bad, but none responded to. All from her. Checking in if he was ok, repeating it hadn’t been all his fault, letting him know she was still right there if he ever needed her.  She’d know. He could ask. He could ping her right now, and she’d know what to say straight away. She’d point him in the right direction, dig the worry out of his chest and slap the back of his head with a few blunt words of choice like she always managed. Seifa would know..  He didn’t realise how hard he was gripping the E-Dev till a straggling tear dropped to his bone white thumb knuckle, and he blanched, snapping out of his lost thoughts as he shook his head. With one last glance at her messages, he tapped the display button and dropped the Echo to his lap, then lifted his shaky hand to wipe at his eyes, feeling the oily shift of streaked eyeliner under his fingers.  He needed a fucking shower.  He was so tired. ****

Had so much fun writing this and appreciate any and all feedback and comments! If you’re interested in the Leech Lord Borderlands 3 AU, check out my pinned post and the tag on my feed for all the content. 

[soulvomit]

I’m realizing what some of my writing block is. This is why I’ve decided to only write *adult market.* I can’t write YA. I can’t even write for people who want to read YA. The narrative demands of an audience that wants everything to be Young Adult, are like handcuffs. I can’t write within those boundaries, I just can’t.  I can’t even write for people who read Adult then get mad that it’s not YA. I can’t write even for younger readers of erotica. I can only write for people with roughly my same level of social experience who are coming from the same place, who don’t require their characters to be moral paragons, or who want to read something that is coming from a different place emotionally, or... for that matter... young people who prefer to read older work.  Long winded diatribe about some of my more difficult, culturally incorrect romantic narratives I’ve written, as an example of this problem. In case you’re not going to read behind the read-more, no, I don’t write incest or pedo. (Doesn’t mean I won’t write a character who has experienced this if it comes up, I haven’t yet, but who knows. But I don’t write positive portrayals of it. I feel I need to write this disclaimer here.)  

Looking at my writing - I have some scenes I’ve written that are very passionate. It’s basically an OC fanfic type of scenario, it’s writing I did that spun off of a game setting my characters were in for a very long time, about two characters who later ended up married. (And I often do this when game groups fall apart, I start writing about my characters.) It’s some of my best writing, and I’ve often thought about filing the serial numbers off and cannibalizing this for some totally original setting. In the piece I’m looking at, the characters haven’t jumped each other’s bones yet, but there is a strong attraction between two lonely, unattached coworkers that is growing into... outright longing. These are middle aged divorcees with children. They have navigated love and lust before. They have been adults at this point for a long time. They are both sexually experienced (her, in fact, much more than him). It’s clear that they utterly want to rail each other from dusk to dawn until neither one of them can walk. Much of this is from the point of view of the male character. (And I LOVE writing het from the male point of view; it’s one of my favorite love/sex dynamics to write.) They’re definitely conscious of this attraction and in their private thoughts that I’ve written, before the attraction is consummated, there’s definitely “strong crush” energy. These are experienced, sexually mature, middle aged people who are both divorcees with children and they definitely are guessing correctly about the other person’s attraction and interest. They’re imperfect people: they’ve made bad life choices in the past. They’re equals, but it’s never *explicitly pointed out.* He’s a hypermasculine (but not toxically) and badass warrior type, she’s an engineer. She is older than he is, but that never matters and never comes up any more than the fact that I’m 6 years older than my fiance, ever comes up in our relationship. All four of us are *middle aged people* and it is just not a topic of conversation. Another thing that’s “eh” by YA standards is that The thing with how I portray and read erotic or romantic stuff, is that I am an older, experienced person, and I like stuff about older, experienced people. People who already know how to navigate these situations and don’t necessarily need everything spelled out. The thing is, I almost feel like - because of changing sexual mores - I can only write for people over 40 unless I totally rewrite the way everything goes and even the emotional temperature of their early relationship. Even though it’s very clear that my characters are absolutely mutually into each other, and it would be clear to any experienced person who navigates body language, I would have to navigate a whole new set of mores around having to outright spoonfeed my audience - we are really into tell don’t show now, we are really into long winded prefaces to everything explaining how everyone involved is really a good person, and I notice that there’s so little comprehension of nuance or subtlety now, things have to be spelled out, one character reading another person’s body language and flirting at a subtler level would be considered gross and against the present day’s mores around consent. My characters ultimately end up making out and going to bed and they never, ever talk about it and they never process it. The establishment of consent is very, very brief and amounts to one middle aged horny person basically saying “wanna fuck” to another middle aged horny person (personally, my absolute favorite way to start a relationship, that’s how my current and best relationship started, 10/10 highly recommend) and, 12 hours later, the other person pulling them into their hotel room. It’s the kind of establishment of consent that you would’ve seen in an older work and it’s not a particularly complicated dance. I didn’t write this work for public consumption outside of a handful of people and perhaps if I did, maybe I would have written it differently because I’d have to assume that “show don’t tell” doesn’t work on audiences who don’t read nuance, I don’t know. Also, in the lead up to the two characters doing the do, they totally sexually objectify each other in their heads. They think about how much they’d really, really like to pounce on each other. And this is... objectifying, or something. I always portray consent but there’s never a complicated ritual around it. I don’t enjoy writing that. Also, I really enjoy writing and reading stuff with spontaneous passion. I LOVE stuff where it’s even a little over the top.

But the big thing that seems to have changed? The big social more? It feels like you’re not really allowed to show your characters crushing too hard, or desiring too much. They’re certainly never allowed to have frustrating desire or one-sided attractions. (I’ve written lots of those. How the character acts on it or doesn’t, is going to depend upon what type of character I’m writing. I have a couple of one sided best friend crush types of dynamics that I’ve written, usually it’s same sex and incompatible sexual orientation.)   Characters are not really allowed to be horny and there seems to be a general disgust with horniness. Which is difficult to navigate because I love horny work, about horny people. I love stuff about crushes and frustrated limerence.   Also? I even love forbidden romance and forbidden sex and sometimes, and even characters doing things they’re Not Supposed To Do. (I think this is why so many people in my age group are into crime fiction, stuff about illicit affairs, etc.) I have the standard legal and moral limits, but yes I will even read about characters cheating on their spouses. It doesn’t mean I condone what the character is doing or want to do it, and it’s satisfying to see how the situation resolves. (It has to have consequences or it’s just not believable.)  

But even age differences between grown ass adults and massive social differences don’t bother me. I love reading and writing common and royal, rich and poor, people from forbidden and different social worlds.

I’m presently writing something in which a young (but adult) witch is married to an immortal god, and finds out she’s one of millions of his brides through history, and hundreds in the present time. And she is going to stay married to him because that’s part of, in my world, being the type of witch she is. OF COURSE there’s a power difference because HE’S A GOD. The story also spends a lot of time with her as a child, because I write CRADLE TO GRAVE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. I love to spend a character’s entire life with them, from the time they’re born to the time they die. But leaving that aside. The sweetest and most tender romance I’ve ever written, involved a sad 50something man and a 25ish year old woman. I was in my 20s when I wrote this. I had lived with the male character in my head for a long time and knew him inside and out. I was delighted when I realized that sparks were flying between him and another character, I’d lived through this character’s life story and its long history of unhappy self-sacrifice, and I decided to follow to see where it led... and it was delightful! I decided to let him have the happy ending. He deserved it after all of this time. She was the initiator of the relationship. She’s in love with him. He is a widower who’s lost everything and now he has a chance to rebuild his life and start a family with this new person. She has other suitors but wants him. She gets pregnant. But it’s narratively a blessing. She wants him, she wants their child, and he’s delighted (especially since his late wife and child are dead), it’s a matrilineal culture, she and the child will stay on the land with her family after he dies. This is a blessing for him. They’re on her family’s land and he’s an exile with no home. She is NOT a Literal Child; she is a grown-ass adult with her own agency, who is sexually experienced, and who has born a lot of responsibility, and is in a prominent social position. His existence is at the mercy of her family, though they keep him around because of his knowledge and abilities. He is the one who doesn’t initiate the relationship, because he’s conscious of the age difference and feels like an old fool, and worries she’ll tire of him one day. Who has the power? Also, he’s a “fish out of water” from another (completely fictitious) culture who ends up totally living among, and assimilating into, this new culture, and basically living out the rest of his life among them, with his bride and their children. And that’s something that isn’t supposed to happen, right? (Writers whose characters just show up in their heads, will relate to this. I don’t even pick my characters’ love interests.)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #378

“come as you are, as you were, as i want you to be”

Have you ever dreamt in another language? No. How long will you try out something you don’t enjoy before giving up on it? It really depends, but in most cases, admittedly very quickly. What’s something you recently realized or discovered about yourself? *shrug* What’s the most interesting news you read or received recently? What about the most depressing? Not in a good way really, but it was certainly interesting to learn I have such severe sleep apnea. Like, I was certain I didn't. The most depressing would be uhhhh... I guess Jason's mother's death, but I don't know how "recent" you'd consider that by now. Would you let politics get in the way of a relationship? It depends. Some beliefs I absolutely would not tolerate (like anti-LGBT), others I would just agree to disagree with. What is one way in which you need to learn to control yourself? I need to get better at controlling my mouth when I'm extremely upset. Do you use a photo editor? I use Lightroom and Photoshop for photography. Is your dad overweight? No, I think he's actually underweight. Ever been honked at? Yes. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend has had? Easton, I think? An old middle school friend had him. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? Yes, but they never work for me. How did your parents pick your name? I dunno. If you had to move to another country, where would you move? Canada. Do you have a balcony? No. Who is a singer that has given you chills? Man, I get chills easily with music. David Draiman from Disturbed, his cover of "Sound of Silence" is BREATHTAKING. That's number one. There are many others, they're just not coming to me at the moment. Do you have a drone? No. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings. I got some crazy hot sauce. Have you ever discovered something gross in your food at McDonalds? No. What was the last thing you used sliced bread to make? A sandwich. How long did your shortest relationship last? Like a day lmao. Would you rather have a trampoline or swimming pool? A POOL!!!! I've talked before about how I want one so, SO very badly to exercise my legs without having to worry about sweat, and I can take a break the very moment I need to. Do you own a Snuggie? Yeah, somewhere. Do you listen to any unsigned bands/singers? Who? Yeah, quite a few on YouTube, but my favorite in Jonathan Young. He is SO damn talented. Who is your favorite video game character? Pyramid Head from the Silent Hill franchise. What kind of pictures do you post on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat most frequently? Mostly of my pets lmao. Have you ever been on vacation with a significant other? No. Have you ever considered “unplugging”/taking a significant period of time away from technology? No. I know I'd never stick to it. Do you prefer to watch a documentary that is about a situation/event or a documentary that is more of a personal character study/biography? The latter. Meerkat Manor comes to mind with that, and everyone knows how much I adore that show. There was also one about rhesus macaques I fell in love with. Basically, I love animal docs, haha. Can you think of a recent time in which you might have been better off resisting, but you did something because you “just couldn’t help yourself”? Probably eating something. When you are getting to know someone, do you tend to worry that the other person will lose interest in you once they get to know the “real” you? Yyyyep. What is something that you would like to do, but really aren’t able to because of your location? (e.g., see art or get a certain job) Man, a lot of things. Photograph meerkats is a biggie. What sort of job do you think is best suited for your skills? Is this an in-demand position or something you’re unlikely to actually get? If I could actually handle the heat and was in good shape to traverse the outdoors, I think I'd be a great wildlife biologist. Even more though, if I could beat my social anxiety, I would ADORE being an animal educator with kids. Do you believe it is the responsibility of businesses, or prominent business leaders (think Bill Gates) to take the lead on social issues whether by using their influence or their money? Saying it's their "responsibility" sounds unfair and puts a lot of weight on their shoulders, but I do feel they should by their own volition and kindness use their position for good, such as through monetary assistance and other things. Have you ever gone to a job interview and realized that you didn’t want the job? Yep. Have you ever asked that someone sacrifice something (a habit, relationship, job, etc.) for you? A habit, yes. Looking back it was stupid as shit. What would you call your body type? Ew. Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yes. Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Considering I spend them with my sister's bigoted, homophobic, and racist in-laws, not especially. I always feel very uncomfortable and disliked among everyone for being the "black sheep" among 'em. Is your vision good? God no. Even with my glasses, it's very poor. I need a new prescription badly. Do both of your parents have jobs? Mom has something of the sort, like she cleans a local church for a small pay, but it's not really a "job." She's still recovering from cancer, getting her strength back up and such before she can handle a consistent job. Dad's had a job for as long as I've lived. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? How heteronormative. But whatever. It's so fucking cheesy, but singing a cute song to me while slowdancing sounds so super adorable to me. What food are you craving right now? I am craving something sweet like you wouldn't believe. It's annoying. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes. Do you have a lot of scars? Yes, but most are very negligible. I just scar extremely easily. Last person you saw other than your family? My primary doctor. Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? The The Lion King remake. Who was the last person you played a video game with? Ummm I think Girt. Last game you played at an arcade? Zero clue. What was your favorite nursery rhyme as a child? I THINK I particularly liked "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider?" None stand out strongly, though. What is your favorite cousin’s first name? I don’t have a favorite cousin. Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? I think with a friend to prevent loneliness, but at the very same time, I see a great beauty in traveling on your own. Just taking new things in, seeing so many different cultures, beautiful scenery... I feel it'd be a great chance for exploration of insight. Remind yourself how small you are, that there's a much, much bigger picture than your own problems, that people are so unique but hopefully share common morals... I see a lot of poetry in it. Do you like the smell of coffee? It's one of my favorite smells. If you have a favorite photographer, can you describe their work? I can't possibly pick. I watch literally hundreds on deviantART, and many of them absolutely blow my mind. What’s one aspect of your life that did not turn out as you expected? My lack of a career. Outside of school, have you ever used a thesaurus? Well, online ones for writing. When you see a good-looking girl in skimpy clothing, what is your initial thought? I envy her confidence, like gotdamn girl. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No. Are you on a laptop or desktop? A laptop. What color is your shower? White. Where do you order your pizza from? Domino's or Little Caesar's. What was the name of the last dog you pet? We've been calling the dog we're holding right now Zoe. Have you ever had anything stolen from you? Yes. Have you ever seen the White House? I don't think so, but it's possible I have when we've driven up to New York, but from a distance. How about Niagara Falls? No. What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? I just like regular iceberg lettuce with some bacon bits and ranch. Man, that sounds good right about now. Any posters of a band on your bedroom wall? Yeah, Metallica and Marilyn Manson. Do you think it’d be cool to have your body mummified after you die? No. I couldn't rock the mummy look even if I tried, haha. Can you tell the difference between a Scottish & an Irish accent? Not really, no. Can you read music? I used to be able to. Do you work the night shift? I don’t have a job, but if I did, I absolutely do not want to work the night shift anywhere. Have you ever slept over at your best friend’s house? Yes. Is your mother diabetic? Are you? She is, but I'm not. Would you like to learn how to make ceramic pottery? It'd be cool, sure. Ever sang someone to sleep? No. Who did you last kiss? My cat. Why did you last lie? I don't recall. Probably to just avoid confrontation with Mom. What do you put on your hamburgers? Cheese, ketchup, and mustard, generally. Who do you think cares the most about you? My mom. Have you ever sent a dirty picture? No. What’s at the center of your dining table? Honestly, we sit in there so rarely that I don't even know. I think we might have nothing, actually. Have you ever started a rumor? No. Do you like being outside? If it's cool, yes. What’s your favourite condiment? Maybe ketchup. Or honey mustard. Who sang/played the last song you listened to? Chris Motionless is the singer of Motionless In White. I don't know if that's his real last name, though. Do you like yoga? I used to. Now all the bending and shit would make me dizzy as hell with my "how are you still alive" level of low blood pressure. Do you always carry breath mints? No, but I do carry Tictacs with me, but they're for my dry mouth. It forces you to salivate, so it helps. What do you think your reaction would be upon entering the White House? I don't really know. I honestly don't even know how it looks inside. Thinking about it, I'd probably be more scared than anything, waiting for a bomb to drop or some shit lmao. Have you ever grown your own sea monkeys or dinosaurs? OH MY GOD I LOVED those!!! I definitely did! Have you ever thrown a game controller (or the game) and broke it? No, I've never been the type to do that. If I'm SERIOUSLY getting mad, all I do is tighten my grip. Did you ever own an Etch-a-Sketch? Yes. Do/did you ever have glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling? I believe so. What movie were you really worked up for that ended up disappointing you? My answer is Warcraft, but only because the fucking orcs' voices were so baritone that I couldn't understand them almost ever lmaooo. Like I had a mild idea of what was going on because of the game, but still. What part of a paper is hardest for you to write? The intro, or the conclusion. Both are difficult to me. Like I want to compose a gripping beginning as well as an end that doesn't just repeat everything I've already said and ends on a strong note. Does it bother you that almost everything is done on computers now? No. KFC Chicken: original or extra crispy? I don't like fried chicken. Think about your first kiss. Did you have any idea what you were doing? I mean, I guess? Like I'd seen kisses enough to know how to give someone a peck. It just came naturally. Did you get Happy Meals just for the toys as a kid? Not just for the toy, but it's the main thing I wanted, sure. Have you ever seen your parents cry? If so, how did it make you feel? Seeing my mom cry absolutely destroys me. I don't want her to hurt EVER. Especially if it's seriously unfair bullshit that has her upset, I also get very angry (not at her, of course) and protective. I've seen Dad tear up once, back when he was telling us about his mother's funeral, and I felt immense surprise more than anything. He does NOT cry. How do you feel about animal testing? It's fucking disgusting and barbaric. Find a different goddamn way. Do you add condiments to your ice cream, or just eat it plain? If I'm having vanilla, I'll usually add chocolate syrup. Have you ever witnessed a crime? Yes. What’s the coolest personalized license plate you’ve ever seen? I'm forever gonna get a kick out of this one that just said "omw," haha.

[artificial-daydream]

While I Breathe, I Hope

Rating: K+ Fandom: Bleach (Ichigo x Rukia) Summary: Sometimes, it is within the unsaid that the most important message is perceived.

Notes: Entry to day 24 of IchiRuki Month 2020: I love you. This might be my first ever non-AU IchiRuki fic lol. I would like to thank @ariadnekurosaki for correcting my mistakes and being an awesome beta reader for this story - if not the BEST. I learnt so much more from spending an hour talking with her compared to my entire life in English class. All hail Ari-senpai for her sacrifice.

For as long as Rukia could remember, she had always lived precariously – without a roof over her head or enough food to eat. Then, she was found and adopted to the Kuchiki Clan, one of the four great noble families in Soul Society. Whether it was pure luck, or maybe fate, she did not know – for her sister had been married to Kuchiki Byakuya, the head of Kuchiki Clan and captain of the Gotei 13.

As such, she had never been one to dwell on her emotions. Living outdoors required wits and agility to survive; she was too busy trying to sustain herself to actually reflect on her emotions and feelings. Once she was adopted, she was too busy trying to adapt to the new environment and live up to the expectations of the clan. She had dedicated her whole life to having the perfect posture worthy of the Kuchiki name and to honing her skill with her zanpakutō. Living as Kuchiki Rukia meant throwing away everything that made up Rukia of Inuzuri.

“What is your relationship with Kurosaki-kun?”

The first time that question was asked, she had no idea how to respond. She was playing a part in the Living World, pretending to be a normal human high school student, and was having a nice lunch with other girls. Now, she wasn’t oblivious. Ichigo was pretty well-known among the school with his above-average grades and skill with sports. Although he always scowled, he was charming and attractive. A pang of guilt crept through her as she acknowledged the fact that she had taken away his prospects because of an instant decision, one he would never able to turn back from.

“Kuchiki-san?”

Once she heard her surname called, her train of thought was halted as she replied with the sweetest smile she could muster. “Ah, right,” she laughed, “Kurosaki-kun is….” She began to ponder. He is an unfortunate boy who wound up in a matter of life and death and took on a responsibility he had no reason to bear - all because of me. How could she explain this relationship?

“He is just a friend,” Rukia decided to reply, her smile never faltering despite her contemplation and bitter embarrassment.

I have no right to call him that.

The topic shifted after her anti-climactic answer. Since it was a golden opportunity for girls’ talk, if the guidebook was right about what to call it, Rukia shrugged and never brought up the discussion again. She thought the subject was only a passing question – a normal conversation girls around their age would usually engage in and then forget as they moved on to other topics. Certainly, that was not the case, as she got the same exact question right the very next day while on her way to the girls’ restroom.

“Are you sure you two are just friends?”

She had blinked at the curious looks they gave her. Now she was cornered by the wall, her line of sight swarmed with inquisitive girls who apparently knew about her latest answer regarding the issue. The guidebook was right – words spread fast among girls.

“Indeed, we are,” she said with a sing-song voice, not showing a hint of hesitation in her tone. She hoped she looked easygoing enough to convince them that she was honest because truthfully, that was the best answer she could come up with.

“But someone saw you on the rooftop with him,” one of the girls inquired, “and Kurosaki-kun bought you a juice box – he even opened it for you!”

Ah, she thought, classic human teenagers.

She spent her whole time as Shinigami in the human world observing the daily lives of humans. It seemed common for girls around their age to get all giddy about romantic approach – they tended to analyze every behavior and made assumptions about what even the smallest action meant.

Rukia cleared her throat. “Kurosaki-kun is such a gentleman, isn’t he?” she said approvingly. “I was having a little trouble opening it and he offered to help!”

The squeal of the girls showed that she had won them over. She managed to change the topic and now they would be too focused gushing about Ichigo to interrogate her any further, thank Chappy for that.

“Do you like him, Kuchiki-san?”

Her smile faltered a bit towards the unexpected question. “Huh?”

“He is so different from the usual guys, isn’t he?” Another girl chimed in. “I would totally swoon if he approached me the same way he did to you!”

“Oh.” Rukia swayed, her mind trying hard to figure a way out. “As much as I’d like to continue, I have been in the restroom too long.” She chuckled, hoping she did not sound too urgent. “My friends might be wondering where I’ve been so I should get going.”

She excused herself to go outside. Thank the heavens above she could finally breathe – but then that thought did not last long as she bumped onto something, or someone, she didn’t know – she looked up and saw the worst possible scenario she could ever expected. Rukia frowned. Not everyone had orange colored hair now, did they?

“Hey,” Ichigo grunted, “watch where you’re going, midget.”

He was the last person she wanted to meet right now.

The sounds of gasps from her back made her grimace at her miscalculation. Her escape was an absolute failure. She could never get out of this now, couldn’t she?

“Well then, excuse me, Kurosaki-kun.” Rukia walked away after sending him one of her fake smiles that he hated. The least she could do was minimize the damage, and that was exactly what she was aiming to do – until she felt her wrist being grabbed by his hand, halting her movements and causing her head to turn and look at him.

The grip on her wrist was firm. “I need to talk to you about something,” he said, voice serious and eyes determined. She knew it was something related to hollows once she heard that tone – and as a result, her focus promptly switched to an entirely different matter. To hell with damage control, now she was the one leading as she gripped his arm with her other hand, rushing to find a silent place so they could talk.

Thankfully, the staircase was empty, so Rukia quickly dragged her companion to the stairs. “Talk,” she demanded authoritatively, all humor and friendly, gentle expressions she usually faked gone in an instant.

“Ah, well,” Ichigo scratched the back of his neck, “do you think Karin might end up being like me? I don’t know,” he cleared his throat, “she always had strong reiatsu and I saw her talking to a ghost yesterday in the kitchen, so I was wondering.”

Rukia’s eyes softened. Was he worried that his sister might suffer the same fate as him? “You have nothing to worry about,” she assured him, “what I did to you was against the rules. I doubt any Shinigami would have done the same thing; most of us would never break the law of Soul Society.”

He fidgeted, “Yeah, but what if she can see you guys or hollows one day? She doesn’t have any power to fight.”

“What you did was something of impossibility. Although she is your sister, I doubt it came from some genetic factor –” Rukia truthfully answered. “It isn’t rare for humans to see dead spirits, but seeing Shinigami and hollows is an entirely different matter.”

“I see,” Ichigo did not sound too convinced, but the tension of his tone faded a little with her explanation. She supposed that was the best she could do to calm his uneasiness.

“Don’t worry, if something actually happened, I would save your sister – even if it costs my own life,” Rukia promised. After all, it was her fault from the beginning everything happened - the least she could do was make amends.

However, contrary to what she expected, Ichigo’s expression hardened at her declaration. “Don’t.”

Rukia arched an eyebrow, “What do you mean?”

“Don’t you dare sacrifice yourself, for anything,” something about his tone made her shudder involuntarily, “not even to save someone else.”

Rukia deadpanned, “That is a very difficult request. After all, it is my duty to protect humans, even if it means I need to forfeit my life.”

It was kind of ironic for him to say that, Rukia thought. His life had changed completely after she attempted to save him and his family. At first, Rukia didn’t understand the meaning of his words. Perhaps he said it because the consequences of her undoing had been so dire for the both of them, and maybe he regretted becoming a Shinigami and did not want anyone else to experience the same thing.

That was the most believable answer, or maybe the only answer she wanted to believe – that the reason he did not want her to sacrifice herself was to avoid creating another victim. She assumed that was the end of their argument, but then she took a look at his face.

He was glaring at her; she would have thought he was just angry if she had not picked up the concern in his eyes. His lips were pressed into a thin line, obviously displeased with her response but unable to order her to say otherwise because it was her life, her decisions to make. He had no right to pick her battles and override her judgements.

Her eyes trailed down to his jaw, then his shoulders. They were rigid, his arms tense and his hands fisted. “If that is the case,” he began, “I will save you each time you plan on sacrificing yourself, since I am your substitute,” he decided, eyes determined. “I swear to my soul.”

Was it his need to protect, or resolve to fulfill his duty? Rukia wished she could have concluded things that easily, but she was no fool. It was something much more than that, something entirely the same but with additional vehemence and a twist of affection. He showed her the most intense wave of emotions, something she had never seen or felt, not in the hundreds of years she had lived. Her lips automatically parted on a small exhale, a staggering realization dawning on her as she understood what he was trying to do.

He was asking for the start of something – silently, but tangibly.

She knew what this was, and he knew she understood; through the way she hugged herself with her arms and kept her eyes averted from his gaze.

Do I love him?

She wavered. Was there even enough time for them to think this through?

They had a lot on their plates. There were many things she needed to handle, and the Gotei 13 will try to track her down soon. Time was not a luxury she possessed. She had to figure out a way to get her powers back, before they found out about Ichigo and possibly involved him along this mess.

Whether I like him, whether I hate him, it’s just all so troublesome, Rukia reminded herself. Love, companionship, and friendship… It is nothing but trouble.

Her eyelids fluttered shut, she should break whatever spark this was. He was a human. Nothing should ever start between them, not even across five lifetimes. Once her power came back, she would have to leave him, and might even make him forget everything about her.

But then again, she couldn’t finish something that hadn’t started yet, couldn’t she?

So she decided not to answer – not yet. They had a lot to go through – such a fickle thing as love could wait.

“We should get going,” she croaked, “everyone else must be waiting.”

He looked taken aback, as if he did not expect her to avoid giving a certain answer. She had always been decisive; for her to dither was proof enough of how serious this conversation might be – for her, and for him.

Yet she did not reject the idea entirely, and it meant she considered the possibility too; something that might redefine their relationship. The realization flickered in him; she could see that plain as day. There was a new sentiment emerging in his eyes – one that she might regret ever giving him.

Hope for the future. And damn, was she screwed because she actually felt the same way too.