#he's so disconnected from himself and it's very hard to get into that mindset

[realbeefman]

9 ^_^ (& 12!)

my VISION my dream story is to write a werewolf!chase x hunter!foreman au where foreman catches chase changing and. he never really BELIEVED in all that monster stuff his dad was always talking about growing up. always chalked it up to more religious talk and disregarded it. but here is chase, who he's known for years, becoming something WRONG right in front of him and it fucks him up real bad and blah blah eventually they have werewolf sex in the hospital you get the gist. i have the ENTIRE thing plotted out so perfectly in my mind but i just CANT write foreman's voice for the life of me. he's my specialest little guy and it kills me that i cant get inside his head the way i can for other characters. i understand why and how he reacts to things the way he does i GET him on a psychological level but if you asked me to write like three lines of realistic foreman dialogue i'd be incapable of it. ill write this fic someday but until then i have to study my fucked up little guy like a bug intently under a microscope until i can put him in Situations in a way that feels true to his character.

[syndrossi]

So I have been thinking that Jon while being more trusting of his close family compared to Rhaegar who understandably always stays alert is pretty disconnected from it in itself? He doesn't feel the need to pick a Targaryen name for neither himself or his hatchling and isn't all that invested in Targaryen family history or legacy. Same goes for being a Stark. He follows old gods and carries himself with a certain manner but that comes with being raised in the north. First and foremost he's a bastard, has always been and ironically still is on some level despite what Rhea and Daemon did for him and Rhaegar. The world has never let him forget and he certainly never has. He still thinks about it: before coming to King's Landing when him and Rhaegar thought they were bastards, when meeting Jace, Luke and Joff, seeing them being cared for by Rhaenys. I really love this theme and I am intrigued with where it will go. I wonder what Rhaegar thinks about it since he knows more about Jon and his past than anyone and as an adult was very connected to both his house and the prophecy regarding it. I am also curious whether Daemon will fully pick up on it. He has been doing it a bit already, giving Jon space and noticing his distress and melancholy (damn Daemon doesn't get enough credit for being sharp! I mean it's fair since we have Rhaegar right there and Daemon's feelings cloud his senses sometimes). On one hand here Jon is a young bastard boy who grew up in the Vale and has been violently pulled away from that life (which Daemon acknowledges to himself!) but on the other he has been aware of his parentage for quite some time. This matter intrigues me because it feels so real. Jon's struggle with finding his identity in his families is a real thing. I am excited to see where it's all headed. Wonder what perspective Daemon and Rhaegar will bring with them, since as I said they both were and are closely tied to Targaryen's family history, legacy and prophecies!

Yeah, Jon's disconnect with both of his heritages (Stark and Targaryen and now Royce) is an ongoing theme. For his Targaryen heritage, he didn't learn of it until he was an adult, so he never had a chance to connect with it. It's one of the reasons I have him as not really bonding to Rhaegal--whether because Dany's dragons were all semi-bonded to her or because Jon didn't really accept that part of him fully, it's hard to say.

He's a child again, so there is in theory a chance for him to actually grow to accept his heritage, but then there's the wrinkle of his Royce ties now. It's quite possible he'll be tapped for Lord of Runestone, so what does that mean for his identity? Is he forever doomed to be trapped between two houses/regions, neither of which quite feel like home? Can a person be two things? Or even three? (His past connection to the North hasn't disappeared suddenly, after all.)

I don't even know if it's a struggle Jon is particularly conscious of. He's used to being an outsider, not quite fitting in, always different/held apart.

Daemon may or may not be helpful with this. Although he's softened on the "RUNESTONE? ABORT ABORT" mindset due to Rhaegar's struggles, that doesn't mean he wants either of his children to embrace their Vale identity, and he still would prefer if they abandoned it entirely. If anything, he probably worries they don't feel worthy of their Targaryen heritage and will overcorrect in pushing it on them. (Rhaegar's not going to mind, so long as Daemon isn't outright disparaging the Vale, but it may feel overwhelming to Jon.)

(Daemon's very sensitive himself about Targaryen heritage, as he feels that people like the Hightowers are pushing to erase it, which is another reason why he's more likely to be aggressive in preserving it through his children. He sees it as defending against it being lost.)

Rhaegar is more likely to guess what's bothering Jon and try to help him work through it since, as you mentioned, he has a lot more context than Daemon. How exactly he thinks it should be solved, and how Daemon helps (or doesn't) and what Jon feels about it all is for us to watch unfold!

[hwnglx]

hi! if you’re open to it, can you do a dynamic reading on sunoo and sunghoon? thank you! 🤍

sunoo and sunghoon's dynamic based on tarot, take it with a grain of salt

what is their dynamic like?

9ofp+devil, 5ofswrx+queofcrx, 10ofc&sun

wow. these two definitely had to go through some challenging times to get to the place they're at now. see, when they're together, they actually make a beautiful team. the 10 of cups is basically the happiest a connection can get, combined with the card of happiness, the sun, it's like a match made in heaven. their friendship is based on pure moments of joy, harmony and warmth. i really think the existence of the other lights up both of their lives.

however, it seems like sunghoon and sunoo are on pretty different pages. sunoo is extremely self-reliant. in a way that's almost getting toxic and destructive. he was (probably still is) in this "i don't care about anyone but me" mindset. i honestly see it as a protection shield at this point. i think this boy has been through a lot and is overly protective over who he lets into his heart. sunghoon seemed to have struggled connecting with his bandmate for a while. there seemed to have been a period where he truly wanted to be there for him, but he couldn't because sunoo didn't seem to let anyone in. i'm getting feelings of powerlessness and frustration, he just couldn't connect to this bandmate although he wished to. tbh, this seems to have been a very specific period, since many members felt that way towards him. it has gotten better since, but i think there still is a certain emotional disconnect because of sunoo's protective barrier.

how does sunghoon feel towards sunoo?

aceofc, 4ofprx, 5ofp, 6ofsw, empr&5ofw

sunghoon cares a lot about sunoo. like a lot. and it seems to cause an inner conflict in him. it's like this constant battle between genuinely wanting to help his bandmate and be there for him, but also accepting a person as closed off as sunoo just can't be helped. it seems like whenever he tried getting to him, he'd hit a dead end every time. sunoo can be a very hot and cold type of person. in one moment he can be incredibly sweet, soft and invested in others, but also be extremely selfish in the next. it can be confusing, so in a way it's hard to know where you really stand with him? i think, much of sunghoon's frustration comes from that. his friend just isn't open about his true emotions. so even if you care about him a lot, you never really know if your attempt to help had any effect on him or not. sunghoon's kinda tired of that.

how does sunoo feel towards sunghoon?

hangm, 6ofp&pagofw, 9ofw+9ofc

this is kinda cute. despite sunghoon feeling pretty helpless, sunoo actually feels like he's getting a lot of support from his friend. he thinks that his bandmate is someone who stands by his side whenever he feels insecure and helps him find more trust and belief in himself. the hanged man does signify that there was a time where their friendship was pretty stagnant. but, i honestly think that sunghoon is one of the few members sunoo actually feels very comfortable with. he doesn't feel the need to put up a shield as much with him, he can let his guard down a little. you know how it's important to spend your time with people, who make you feel like you're being your best, most authentic self. and i think that sunghoon is an existence like that to sunoo. he seems grateful to be in the same group as him. however, he just doesn't express it as openly, which is why there is this continuous disconnect. well, sunoo just feels a lot in general, so it can be hard for him to express it without it getting overwhelming.

[raggedy-albert]

Ooh what are the headcanons you mentioned

ok i have so so many but we’ll start with my favorite albert ones

He is part Portuguese and part Brazilian

He has freckles and always is covered with dirt and a smattering of bruises. He’s a redhead with hair that sort of looks like a bird that’s spiky, thick, and always slicked back. He’s very buff and likes to show it off. He’s not short (most other newsies are just tall), but he has a compact vibe to him. His face is very expressive, especially his eyes brows. He has light brown eyes. His skin is a very light brown and his face is heart shaped.

When he ran away from home after his brother died and after he started to become more angry and bigger, the Brooklyn newsies (they knew his brother, and it was the closest borough) took him in (which is where he met Spot, though he wasn’t leader of the Brookies yet. They weren’t really close though, they just knew that each other existed). The Brookies gave him a nickname (Red) and he became really close friends with someone, another newsie who was around his dead brother’s age. The newsie didn't have any friends but he had been with the Brooklyn newsies for a while, and Albert didn’t have any friends there so he thought it was a perfect match. The newsie would only call Al by his nickname, which he didn’t really like but the newsie told him it made him sound cooler, and he figured it was a way to disconnect from his past life. That newsie and him became brothers (“replacing” the brother he lost) but Albert didn’t realize how toxic and controlling he was. They went everywhere together and they sold together and were inseparable, but one day his “friend” got in trouble with the cops and was going to be sent to the Refuge so he blamed it all on Albert and got away with no punishment, while Albert got sent away instead. His short time there changed him, he has a few physical scars from the abuse (he hates others seeing them), but most of them are mental. He got extremely protective of others, which is where he first adopted the older brother mindset, but he also started getting nightmares as well as sleep issues and his mental health plummeted. He also became really jumpy, and he got much quieter, though before he was outgoing, loud, and rebellious. After he got out he always tries to give whatever extra food or little money he has to Specs to give to the kids he left behind, who he thinks about often. Ever since this, he swore off nicknames. He is still friends with a few of the Brookies, but he doesn’t like to see them too often since it’s hard for him because it reminds him of the newsies who betrayed him and his brother.

He’s actually pretty smart but didn’t get a school education since he started working so young. One of the Brooklyn newsies taught him the basics of how to read, which he used to tell the other newsies the headline or just to entertain himself. He’s sort of a smart dummy though, and it’s more street smarts than intelligence.

He used to mostly live at his house but ever since both of his brothers moved out his father became more violent due to there not being anyone to protect him anymore, he lives in the lodging house most of the time. Sometimes he randomly shows up late at night with bruises and doesn’t say anything about why. The other newsies just accept that he sometimes shows up and needs a place for the night. He has his own designated bed there (the bunk under Race’s).

Before his mom died, he wasn’t really close with her. He mostly spent time with his dad. Even if they didn’t really talk, they just got along and sat in comfortable silence together. It’s not like he disliked his mom or anything, they just weren’t close and it was sort of awkward whenever they would interact. After she died though, his dad completely changed. He got angry. It was like he had lost two parents, not one.

He talks loudly and slightly “off” because a) he’s hard of hearing, and b) he was born in Brooklyn, but switched to Manhattan at a relatively young age, so he talks in a combination of both. He also uses a lot of slang so he’s hard to understand (Race is the interpreter). Also his parents both had accents so…

[scribeforchrist-blog]

I’m Standing on His Will

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK

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+ Isaiah 1:19 If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land.

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VERSE OF THE DAY

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+ 1 Samuel 15:24 Then Saul said to Samuel, “I have sinned. I violated the Lord’s command and your instructions. I was afraid of the men, so I gave in to them.

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SUBJECT:  I’m Standing on His Will

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** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **

I AM LOOKING TO THE KING

I AM BEING LED BY GOD

I AM A HEARER

I AM A DOER

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THOUGHTS:

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  Accepting God's will can be very hard; the Israelites had their plans. They wanted to mingle with other groups of people. They wanted to do whatever they wanted to do without God in it, and they even went as far as going against the plans he had for them. Many didn’t reach the promised land because they continued to sin and anger God.

  Look at King Saul. He was instructed on what to do but didn’t want to accept those plans .1 Samuel 15:24 Then Saul said to Samuel, “I have sinned. I violated the Lord’s command and your instructions. I was afraid of the men, so I gave in to them.

 He said I was afraid of the men, he was afraid of mere humans, and David said one time in the scriptures he said what can mere humans do to me, and they can do nothing to us, but the word of God also says don’t fear what someone can do with the body but fear him who can do something to the soul.

   •Matthew 10:28: Don’t fear those who kill the body but are not able to kill the soul; rather, fear him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.

  •Psalm 118: 6 The Lord is for me; I will not be afraid. What can a mere mortal do to me?

    Sometimes, we don’t accept God's plans or will for our lives because we are too busy worrying about what family and friends will say or do to us. What we must understand is that when we obey God, whatever he has instored for us, no man can stop, nobody can close the door, and no man can hurt you, but to disobey God, to ignore his plans, and not accept them can be far worse than anything.

  How do we accept his plans? How do we get into this mindset? We must understand what He wants us to do is best, and we must let go of our plans and not return to them; some of us will do what God wants for a little while and then return to our plans, but we don’t know what is best, we don’t.

  King Saul completely lost the kingdom out of fear. David lost a son because of his sin and look at Samson; he lost his hair and his strength because he wanted to please a woman. We can lose out on so much because of people and things, and at the end of the day, all we have is God’s love to help us through, and disobeying him or grieving the Holy Spirit will only make us have a more challenging time.

   King Saul was so off balance and disconnected from God that he went to a witch to raise Samuel from the dead so he could get guidance. Sometimes, we try to get help from anywhere and go where we shouldn’t , but the main advise we should seek is God. Saul knew God wasn't listening to him, and he went to where he thought was best, which it wasn’t; we must stop running to the quick fix and go to the right one, the only one, which is God

1 Samuel 28:8 So Saul disguised himself, putting on other clothes, and at night he and two men went to the woman. “Consult a spirit for me,” he said, “and bring up for me the one I name.”

  He wanted to know so badly . Look at what he did , verse 15: “Samuel said to Saul, “Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up? ” I am in great distress,” Saul said. “The Philistines are fighting against me, and God has departed from me. He no longer answers me, either by prophets or by dreams. So, I have called on you to tell me what to do.””

  He said God has departed from me. When we deliberately disobey God, he will step away so we can do what we like; he will step back to let us do what we want, but as long as we accept him and do what he says, he won't leave; some of us will find this hard to believe, God will step back. Still, Samuel departed from him because Saul had done something against the will of God. After all, he wanted to please people. God even said he regretted that I made you king; 1 Samuel 15:11: “I regret that I have made Saul king because he has turned away from me and has not carried out my instructions.” Samuel was angry and cried out to the LORD all night.”

 God is looking for people who will be obedient in challenging situations. God is looking for people who will deny themselves and follow him. Are you that person? Are you accepting God's will? Are you trying to be obedient and can't get it right? Ask God what you are doing to keep you from accepting his plans.

  1 Samuel 15:22 And Samuel said, “Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams.”

  We, as Christians or believers of God, need to understand that it is better to obey the voice of God than a man because man will always fail, but God won’t; man will always hurt you, but God won’t; he might not do what we want, but we must always obey God.

  ***Today, we learned how David ,Samson and Saul were disobedient and what consequences they faced because of their disobedience. We as believers must always lean on God; we must always listen for the voice of God; we talked about this last week that it is essential , paramount that we wait for the voice of God, and if he says no, that means no, that doesn’t mean do what you want, anytime we do something different than what God is telling us to do. We are being disobedient.

  No, this is something many people don’t like to talk about. God won’t leave us, but he will step back and allow us to do whatever we want, and when he does this, you will be confused. You’re going to call out to him, but the only way he will answer you is when you come back with the contrite heart ;and ready to be obedient, stepping back and leaving are two different things he will let you do what you want because it is your life, but you are playing a dangerous game with the Lord and don’t let what other people do lead you away from who you know which is God. ©Seer~ Prophetess Lee

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PRAYER

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Heavenly Father, we thank you for today. We asked you to be with us to cover us. Your blood helps us to be obedient. Help us to hear you when you speak; help us ignore other people's advice and lean on you. Please give us an increase of discernment; help us to be more like you, Lord. Every day, we lean on you and thank you for your mercy. Grace in Jesus' name amen

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REFERENCES

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+ James 1:22 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.

 

+ Luke 11:28 But he said, “Blessed instead are those who hear the word of God and keep it!

 

+ John 14:21 Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him

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FURTHER READINGS

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Proverbs 16

Luke 3

Numbers 36

2 Kings 14

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[squishylemonbubbles]

something that i feel is hard to properly explain through just fic, at least right now, is why my kiryu seems more reactive about his snake flower triad trauma than my majima seems to be about the hole

but it's not that majima actually feels it less, it's that it lasted for so long - and so much more piled on top of it - he dissociates and bottles it up extremely well, for all of the bad that that does him.

so he might seem to outwardly react less often, but it's far worse when he does, disabling him for days if not weeks at a time. the ultimate culmination being "zombie majima" - occasionally a role he chooses to play for the fun of it, but more often a trauma-born mindset. he'd just sit there and let anything happen to him, and it takes a lot of work for him to even be able to message for help.

on the other hand kiryu is touchy and jumpy, needs some help getting back on track with his self care, but it doesn't get him for nearly as long, a good sleep is usually enough to clear his head. the torture itself lasted around 2 days (imo - i don't think canon ever specifies), and his recovery at least 6-8 weeks, 3 of which were effectively cut off from anyone but kazama and his direct associations for safety. it's no year in the hole, but even the memories of recovery aren't that fond, let alone the torture itself.

but, he had support, where majima… didn't really, only whatever it took to keep him physically alive. the fact kiryu reacts more outwardly is, in a sense, healthier than majima's bottling and disconnecting.

at the same time there's kind of this sense of guilt that kiryu has, that he went through "so little" but reacts "so much worse" - even though he logistically knows the ways they react were shaped by things like the duration and support (or lack thereof) after it, and that outward reactions aren't necessarily "worse" than inward ones.

by contrast, i think majima also has this sense that he has "nothing to complain about" when his trauma from the hole was "only" a year, compared to kiryu's decade in prison - but kiryu will always remind him, that's completely unfair to say, very different things happened in these places. prison was no grand suite, but sure would beat anything the hole might throw at someone.

trauma is trauma, regardless of the length and intensity of event… a lesson kiryu can give to majima yet not believe for himself.

[haleigh-sloth]

I can understand criticism towards the writing at times but I also think that it's often forgotten that the kids do not have the same information as we do. They are actually going by very little at the moment and I think that is either being forgotten or dismissed by fans but they will learn more and will come to understand more. Right now Deku only sees a boy who needs saving but he doesn't know why because he doesn't yet know of Shigaraki's past. Uraraka sees a girl who for some reason was 1/3

There is a lot I agree with here but I do wanna say that I’m fairly certain Touya did tell Shouto about AFO. That was the entirety of chapter 350, Touya telling his story and explaining why he didn’t come back and stay.

Shouto isn’t missing information per say. There is a disconnect between Shouto and Touya when it comes to their father.

They’re both aware that Endeavor was abusive, both toward themselves but also toward the family as a whole.

But it’s more complicated than just connecting over that. Touya was abused by avoidance—Endeavor avoided facing and acknowledging him at all costs. Shouto was abused by quite literally the opposite—Endeavor hard focused on him and gave him all of his attention.

What Shouto is not understanding is that Touya isn’t simply hating their dad for being abusive. It’s not that easy—he still wants his dad to see and acknowledge him as his son. Shouto acknowledged that their house was screwed up, but that wasn’t really what Touya was getting at. Because if we’ve learned anything from this panel here:

It’s that Touya wasn’t horrified by Endeavor beating the shit out of Shouto, he was devastated that he’d been replaced and moved on from. Shouto still doesn’t get that Touya wants their dad’s attention, which is completely the opposite of what Shouto wants. So imo, the disconnect, the final obstacle between the two seeing eye to eye is due to that.

The other two kids and villains you mentioned though, yeah fully agree.

Ochacko straight up acknowledged not knowing anything about Toga and how that weighs on her, because she feels like she missed something in their last encounter.

Midoriya, well—he sees someone who needs saving. But he doesn’t know that he is looking at someone who views himself as nothing but a destructive force that is only capable of bringing misery unto the world. He doesn’t know just how deep Shigaraki’s frustration and self-hatred is ingrained into his mind and doesn’t know that his biggest obstacle is facing a LOT of unacknowledged grief and suppressed guilt. That’s a lot of necessary information if he’s gonna save him, soooo yeah I mean. He doesn’t know all of that shit yet, so it’s not surprising to me that he has no flipping idea what to do.

Yeah there are critiques I fully agree with, and when I do I say that. Just because I don’t dwell on it doesn’t mean I don’t think it. However the unreasonable hero kid hate is beyond what I’m willing to tolerate, especially because the manga isn’t even over and people are acting like the kids’ current mindsets are just IT—the end all be all. As if there isn’t a lot more shit to get through in this manga. Jeez.

[single-malt-scotch]

thinking abt lore and also how i see myself as more lorephobic lol

i realize one thing a lot w mutuals and friends i have in this fandom is when theyre ppl who are open/into the storytelling people like Matryn do esp Martyn bc of all his actual lore- is its hard to make it clear exactly how i dont like doing that, but why i also gladly go off and analyze ppl like bdubs or whatever. some ppl have very little distinction between simply analyzing their literal actions vs indulging in fictional lore. bc like i guess in a fandom that takes a lot of other lore and likes to mash it all up into the bigger picture you start to not think hard about the difference between bdubs acting a character of himself but More in his videos versus someone like martyn whos acting in some form but also in his own pov writing in a ton of lore to carry his actions that people have followed for a while and connects to every series.

i think thats where i disconnect from that side of the fandom bc as someone who doesnt get into martyn and doesnt see any of this "lore" nor do i care to apply it to My Guys, i simply see myself analyzing bdubs as A Guy Who Like To Act. hes not made up lore, hes not a separate character. hes the guy whos doing the improv and theres a lot to read from that alone! and sprinkling in some fun narrative theories based off his actions through other videos- which may as well not be true! but like lore theories ppl have. its speculation. but theres like. theres no lore to that perspective i have. im just taking what was directly presented you know. and i have no interest in taking fanon or lore from others and stirring up some great big pot of in-universe specific story ideas i just. i dont really get it maybe more so bc i never got into the ppl who lean on that way more. but also at the same time i dont feel like anyone but martyn does it lmao so i probably wouldnt have gotten into that mindset even if i watched only grian or scar. and boy have people turned a lot of others guys towards a rabbit hole of lore i will never begin to understand.

its like really, really no offense to ppl who get into it i think its lovely and i almost wish i could get it too. but man i am even in the middle of Evosmp and i still am not sitting here getting to some fantastical layered lore that the fandom seems to have made. im too meta i just like to analyze with myself between the lines of the game itself and behind the scenes intentions.

[troquantary]

Edward Cullen: That Boy Ain’t Right

So I was doing a reread of @therealvinelle 's collection of Twilight metas, as one does, and in "Edward, Denial, and a Human Girlfriend" she mentions that she doesn't believe Edward is sane. I thought, "ha, yeah, he's definitely not," and also, "but wait, what does that mean exactly, please say more about that." But since she's already inundated with asks, I've decided to use my own head-muscle and explore this idea. (TL;DR: I start out more or less organized, synthesize some points Vinelle has made across several posts (and have hopefully linked to them all where relevant but please tell me if not), touch a little on narcissism, then take a hard left into the negative effects of being a telepath.)

Just a couple things to note at the outset, though. Theses have been written already (probably) about Edward as an abuser. Edward being insane doesn't negate that at all; he's definitely an asshole and just...a disaster of a human being. (I find it more funny than anything, but YMMV.) I'm also going to try to avoid talking specifically about mental illness and how it relates (or doesn't relate) to abusive behavior -- that's territory I'm not really equipped to discuss, like at all. My starting point is "Edward has a deeply warped perception of reality," not "Edward has X disorder."

So: deeply warped perception of reality. The evidence? Goes behind a cut, because my one character trait is Verbose.

Vinelle provides a great example of it in the post linked above, which I'll just quote because she does words good: "[Edward] keeps acting like his romance with Bella is a romantic tragedy, and all the cast of Twilight are actors on a stage making it as sublime as possible." Edward's the one to pursue Bella, but he does so with the full belief, from the very beginning, that it will never last; Bella will "outgrow" him, go on her human way, and he can spend the rest of eternity brooding magnificently over his too-short romantic bliss. [Insert premature ejaculation joke.] Turning her is never an option, even though Alice, Noted Psychic, says that romancing Bella will either end with her dead (exsanguinated) or dead (vampire).

This framing, where he's a dark anti-hero in love with -- but never tainting! -- the pure maiden and eventually leaving her in a grand, tragic sacrifice to preserve her soul? It's fucking bonkers. Bella isn't a person to him in this scenario. As Vinelle points out, Bella's never really a person to him at all; he falls in love with his own mental construct, cherry-picking from what he observes of her behavior and her responses to his 20 (thousand) Questions to convince himself that she is the ideal woman.

Bella's not the only one who gets the projection/cardboard-cutout treatment. Edward sees everything and everyone through a highly particular, personalized lens. He filters his entire reality, which we all do to an extent, but the thing with Edward is that he starts with his conclusions and then only pays attention to the evidence that supports those conclusions. Often that evidence consists of what he admits in New Moon are only "surface" thoughts -- but recognizing that limitation doesn't keep him from taking those thoughts as representative of what people are. Edward then becomes absolutely convinced by his own "reasoning" and won't be swayed from what he has decided is Objectively True. It's obvious with Bella; it's also painfully obvious with Rosalie. (Vinelle explains this and brings up Edward's raging Madonna/Whore complex in the same post, so refer to that again -- she's right.)

He also catastrophizes. Everything. Bella's just vibing in her room, rereading Wuthering Heights for the 87th time? She's gonna be hit by a meteor, better sneak into her room while she sleeps. Bella's going to the beach with the filthy mundanes their human classmates? She's gonna fall in the ocean. Jasper's cannibal pals are stopping by for a visit, but know not to hunt in the area? DISASTER, DEFCON 1, ALSO FUCK YOU JASPER FOR EVEN EXISTING IN MY AND BELLA'S SPHERE YOU UNSPEAKABLE BURDEN. Edward must believe that Bella is vulnerable and in near-constant peril, to support the reality he has created in which he is the villain turned protector and maybe?? hero??? (!!!) for his beloved. So when the actual, James-shaped danger arrives, he goes berserk, snarling and flipping his shit and generally not helping the situation. His fantasy demands that Bella remain human, so instead of doing the very thing Alice, Noted Psychic, assures him will neutralize the threat (and not just a threat to Bella, either, but to Bella's family and any other human James might decide to include in the "game"), he vetoes it immediately, no discussion. Bella Must Not Turn, and he sticks to those guns despite James nearly reducing her to ground beef, despite leaving Bella catatonic with depression (but human! success!) in New Moon, despite Aro's order and his family's vote and, let's not forget, Bella's clearly and repeatedly stated desire to be a vampire. It's going to happen. But he doesn't accept it until Renesmee busts out of Bella like the Kool-Aid man and the poor girl's heart finally, unequivocally stops.

Sane people don't behave this way. I don't want to slap labels on Edward, but I can't help but note that he comes across as highly narcissistic. He's the only real person in his universe, the lone player among us NPCs. That probably has a lot to do with him being frozen in the mindset and maturity of a seventeen-year-old boy, but I think it's also just...him, on some fundamental level. His failure to connect with others and recognize them as full, independent beings with their own wants and priorities isn't like Bella's failure -- she's badly depressed. Edward is...something else, and I get the sense that his sanity has been steadily deteriorating over time. And a cursory google of narcissistic traits turns up some familiar-looking stuff. He's self-loathing, yes, but also grandiose; he hates himself for the monster he is (and hates most vampires besides Esme and Carlisle for their monstrosity, too) but still feels superior to humans, to the extent that he felt entitled to human blood and resented Carlisle for depriving him of his "proper" diet. He eventually returns to Carlisle, but he's far from content -- the beginning of Midnight Sun finds him in a state of ennui, bored and dismissive of (if not outright disgusted by) everyone around him, that has apparently persisted for years and years. He doesn't play the piano, he doesn't compose, he doesn't enjoy anything...at least until Bella comes along and then he becomes obsessed to a disturbing degree with her and his new, romantic tragedy spin on reality.

[Next-day edit: I’m not sure where else to fit this in, but the way Edward casually contemplates violence against people who have, at best, mildly annoyed him is...chilling. I have a hard time writing off his strategizing how to murder the entire Biology class as a result of bloodlust -- it’s so calculated, nothing like the blackout state of thirst Emmett describes when he encountered his own “singer,” and that is probably the default for when a vampire is extremely thirsty. But even ignoring the Biology class incident, Edward still does things like consider, with disturbing frequency, how he might grievously injure or kill Mike Newton, all because...Edward considers him his romantic rival (despite Bella barely giving the kid the time of day). He thinks about slapping Mike through a wall, which might be an amusing slapstick image, except as a vampire Edward’s actually capable of turning this boy’s skeleton to a fine powder. So it’s, y’know, kind of sick when you think about it.

But even worse than that, when Bella tells Edward about how she flirted with Jacob to get at that sweet, sweet vampire lore, Edward chuckles and then, after dropping Bella home, flippantly observes that now that the treaty’s broken, why not genocide? I’m not even kidding, it’s right there in Midnight Sun; he seriously thinks about the fact that he’d be technically justified now in wiping out the entire tribe because a teenager tried to impress a girl with a spooky story. That is fucked. Remember, Edward was there with Carlisle when the treaty was first established. He knows how remarkable it is that they even came to a truce in the first place, that it was only ever possible because Carlisle is...well, Carlisle, and that it marks a pretty significant moment in supernatural history. He doesn’t care; he doesn’t respect it, or he’d never think something like “Ha ha, if I went and killed them all, I wouldn’t even be wrong. I mean, I won’t do it, but I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be wrong.”

Again: not the thought process or behavior of a sane person. (Or a person that respects life in general -- sorry Carlisle, big L.)]

Finally, whether he's a narcissist or not, I think the fact that Edward has constant, unavoidable access to everyone's thoughts is a powerful contributing factor to his instability. He can tune out the mental noise to an extent, but he can't stop it -- so he comes to rely on it like another sense. This causes issues with disconnect and lack of empathy, of course, but there's another facet to this shit diamond: he's basically experiencing a ceaseless flow of intrusive thoughts. His narration in Midnight Sun suggests that he "hears" the words people think, can "see" what they visualize in their mind's eye, and can sense the emotional "tone" and intensity of their thoughts. Therefore, perceiving Jasper's thirst through his thoughts makes Edward more aware of his own, "doubling" the discomfort. This would be a lot to deal with even from just his immediate coven members, but Edward gets all of this pouring into his head like a firehose on a day-to-day basis because the Cullens live right alongside humans. I know Meyerpires have galaxy brains or whatever, but that's a ton to process.

Besides the compounding effect on his own thirst when he "feels" the thirst of others, Meyer never suggests that Edward has difficulty separating his own thoughts from other people's; even when he was newly turned, he recognized Carlisle's "voice" in his head as Carlisle's. That would create a whole different host of issues around identity, but it looks like Edward's escaped that particular torment. However, I can easily imagine that what he does experience is just shy of unbearable nonetheless, with an eroding effect on his sanity over decades. He can't sleep to escape it; he's on a dishwater diet and probably (like the rest of his family) experiencing a perpetual, low-grade physical discomfort due to his thirst never being fully satisfied; and he's around far more people than is the norm for vampires -- even discounting all the humans, his own coven is unusually large -- meaning more noise.

Honestly, it would be weirder if he were all there, considering.

And even though I feel like I lost a sense of structure around where I started ranting about telepathy, I've written like 1.5k words about Edward fucking Cullen and I think that's enough for one post.

[idreamtofmanderleyagain]

Hot takes about Severus Snape are a wierdly decent glimpse into how a person with progressive values analyses things. Literally every time someone talks about Snape, it’s like this tiny window into how one-dimentionally people actually think.

Recently saw a twitter post that was a fantastic example. Here’s how it goes (paraphrasing):

Person A:“Snape is POC and Queer coded, that’s why you guy’s hate him uwu lol.”

Person B: “Actually I hate him because he was mean and abusive to children under his care uwu but go off I guess lol”

Both of these takes are designed to be dramatic and/or reactionary. They each use partial truths to paint very broad strokes. These are get-em-in-one-hit quips. This is virtue signalling, if you’ll excuse that loaded phrase. Nobody had a substantial conversation, but now everyone who sees their statement knows the high ground they took.

At least a hundred other people chimed in to add their own little quippy hot takes into play, none of which add anything significant, but clearly made everyone feel very highly of themselves.

So many layers of nuance and complex analysis is completely lost in this kind of discussion. On tumblr, you get more of this kind of bullshit, but you don’t have a word count limit, so you guys just spew endless mountains of weak overblown evidence backing up your bullshit arguments, none of which was really about engaging in a real conversation anyway.

Here’s the thing about Snape.

He is a childhood domestic abuse victim. His abuser is a muggle.

He becomes a student at a magical school that takes him away from his abuser and immediately instills in him the idea that being a part of this magical world is a badge of self-worth, empowerment, and provides safety and security - provided that he keeps in line.

There is a war is being waged in that world over his right to exist (he is a half blood).

He is a marginalized person within the context of the narrative, forced to constantly be in the same living space as the children of his own oppressors who are being groomed and recruited into a hate group militia (the pureblood slytherins). They are in turn trying to do the same to him.

He is marginalized person bullied by children who are also part of his oppressor group, but who have “more liberal” leanings and aren’t direct about why he’s being targeted (the mauraders are all purebloods, Sirius, who was the worst offender, was raised in a bigoted household, the same one that produced Bellatrix.).

He had a crush on a girl who is a muggleborn, and therefore she is considered even lesser than him and carries a stigma to those who associate with her. That girl was his only real friend. In his entire life.

For both Snape and Lily, allying themselves to a pureblood clique within their own houses would be a great way of shielding themselves from a measure of the bigotry they were probably facing. There would have been obvious pressure from those cliques to disconnect with one and other.

Every other person who associates with Snape in his adulthood carries some sort of sociopolitical or workplace (or hate cult) baggage with their association. Some of them will physically harm and/or kill him if he steps out of line. He hasn’t at any point had the right environment to heal and adjust from these childhood experiences. Even his relationship with Dumbledore is charged with constant baggage, including the purebloods who almost killed him during their bullying getting a slap on the wrist, the werewolf that almost killed him as a child being placed in an authority position over new children, etc. Dumbledore is canonically manipulative no matter his good qualities, and he has literally been manipulating Snape for years in order to cultivate a necessary asset in the war.

He is a person who is not in the stable mental state necessary to be teaching children, whom has been forced to teach children. While also playing the role of double agent against the hate group militia, the one that will literally torture you for mistakes or backtalk or just for fun. The one that will torture and kill him if he makes one wrong move.

Is the math clicking yet? From all of this, it’s not difficult to see how everything shitty about Snape was cultivated for him by his environment. Snape was not given great options. Snape made amazingly awful choices, and also some amazingly difficult, courageous ones. Snape was ultimately a human who had an extremely bad life, in which his options were incredibly grim and limited.

In fact, pretty much every point people make about how shitty Snape is as a person makes 100% logical sense as something that would emerge from how he was treated. Some if it he’s kind of right about, some of it is the inevitable reality of suffering, and some of it is part of the cycle of abuse and harm.

Even Snape’s emotional obsession with Lily makes logical sense when you have the perspective that he literally has no substantial positive experiences with other human beings that we know of, and he has an extreme, soul destroying guilt complex over her death. Calling him an Incel mysoginist nice guy projects a real-world political ideology and behavior that does not really apply to the context of what happened to him and her.

Even Snape’s specific little acts of cruelty to certain students is a reflection of his own life experiences. He identifies with Neville; more specifically, he identifies his own percieved emotional weaknesses in his childhood in Neville. There’s a very sad reason there why he feels the urge to be so harsh.

Snape very clearly hates himself, in a world where everyone else hates him, too. Imagine that, for a second. Imagine total internal and external hatred, an yearning for just a little bit of true connection. For years. Imagine then also trying to save that world, even if it’s motivated by guilt. Even if nobody ever knows you did it and you expect to die a miserable death alone.

There are more elements here to consider, including the way Rowling described his looks (there may be something in there re: ugliness and swarthy stereotyping). These are just the things that stand out the most prominently to me.

J.K. Rowling is clearly also not reliable as an imparter of moral or sociopolitical philosophies. I don’t feel that her grasp of minority experiences is a solid one, considering how she picks and chooses who is acceptable and who is a threat.

All of that said, this is a logically consistent character arc. Within the context of his narrative, Snape is a marginalized person with severe PTSD and emotional instability issues who has absolutely no room available to him for self-improvement or healing, and never really has. And yes, he’s also mean, and caustic, and verbally abusive to the students. He’s also a completey miserable, lonely person.

There are elements in his character arc that mirror real world experiences quite well. If nothing else, Rowling is enough of an emotional adult to recognise these kinds of things and portray something that feels authentic.

In my opinion, it’s not appropriate to whittle all this down by comparing him directly to the real world experiences of marginalized groups - at least if you are not a part of the group you are comparing him to. There have been many individuals who have compared his arc to their own personal experiences of marginalization, and that is valid. But generally speaking, comparing a white straight dude to people who are not that can often be pretty offensive. This is not a valuable way to discuss either subject.

Also, I believe that while it’s perfectly okay to not like Snape as a character, many of the people who act like Person B are carrying Harry’s childhood POV about Snape in their hearts well into their own adulthood. And if nothing else, Rowling was attempting to say something here about how our perspectives (should) grow and change as we emotionally mature.  She doesn’t have to be a good person herself to have expressed something true about the world in this instance, and since this story is a part of our popular culture, people have a right to feel whatever way they do about this story and it’s characters.

The complexity of this particular snapshot of fictionalized marginalization, and what it reveals about the human experience, cannot be reduced down to “he’s an abuser so he’s not worth anyone’s time/you are bad for liking him.”

And to be honest, I think that it reveals a lot about many of us in progressive spaces, particularly those of us who less marginalized but very loud about our values, that we refuse to engage with these complexities in leu of totally condemning him. Particularly because a lot of the elements I listed above are indeed reflected in real world examples of people who have experienced marginalization and thus had to deal with the resulting emotional damage, an mental illness, and behavior troubles, and bad decisions. Our inability to address the full scope of this may be a good reflection of how we are handling the complexity of real world examples.

Real people are not perfect angels in their victimhood. They are just humans who are victims, and we all have the capacity to be cruel and abusive in a world where we have been given cruelty and abuse. This is just a part of existing. If you cannot sympathise with that, or at least grasp it and aknowledge it and respect the people who are emotionally drawn to a character who refects that, then you may be telling on yourself to be honest.

To be honest, this is especially true if you hate Snape but just really, really love the Mauraduers. You have a right to those feelings, but if you are moralizing this and judging others for liking Snape, you’ve confessed to something about how you’ve mentally constructed your personal values in a way I don’t think you’ve fully grasped yet.

I have a hard time imagining a mindset where a story like Snape’s does not move one to empathy and vicarious grief, if I’m honest. I feel like some people really just cannot be bothered to imagine themselves in other people’s shoes, feeling what they feel and living like they live. I struggle to trust the social politics of people who show these kinds of colors, tbh.

But maybe that’s just me.

[fayemarvels]

time makes the heart grow fonder

Hey, so I'm back after a little break I had from writing, hope you like this one.

~~~~~~~~

Bucky x fem!reader

Summary: Bucky wants to finish his list of amends. The problem? The last name on the list belongs to a woman whit whom he had a more romantic relationship during his time in Hydra.

Warnings: little sad, attempted murder, bad writing, doesn't follow the events of movies or series whatsoever,

Word count: 3,3k

! Please don't repost my work anywhere without my permission. Thank you!

My masterlist *******

-----------------------------

“Just wanted to let you know that I’m not the winter soldier anymore, my name is James, and I have to make amends,” Bucky told to the terrified man in front of him, in a monotone voice. The man didn’t say anything; he only squished his back closer to the wall behind him.

“So, I didn’t want to kill your family, I was just a puppet to Hydra. They made me do it.” He said the words, which he told many times. He squatted in front of the man and he closed his eyes in fear. Bucky sighed and moved his hand towards his pocket. The man in front of him flinched and whimpered in fear.

“Just my note book, don’t worry,” Bucky mumbled and pulled it out of his pocket, opened it, and crossed over the man’s name. He looked over the page for a few moments, when his eyes landed the last uncrossed name, (Y/L/N). He shook his head and nodded his head towards the man.

“Good talk, man thanks for listening.” He slapped the man’s shoulder and he squeaked quietly. “Would talk more but I have to get to therapy,” Bucky said, stood up, and left the abandoned warehouse, where he cornered the poor scared man. As he walked away, the only thing he could hear were the fast footsteps of the man and his labored breathing.

---------------------

“So, you crossed another name off your list, that’s great.” His therapist said in a monotone voice and Bucky nodded awkwardly. The room went silent and she started to write something in her little notepad, which he hated so much.

“Okay, I don’t have much to tell you. You have been making progress.” She looked back down to her notepad.

“No nightmares?” she asked and Bucky shook his head.

“No, only some flashbacks but I’ve been sleeping peacefully for the last 3 weeks.” He answered truthfully. The doctor only nodded and continued writing in her notepad.

“I want you to finish the list of amends by the time of our next session.” The doctor announced and Bucky’s heart skipped a beat.

“Then we can move on to other stuff.” She continued and Bucky shook his head quickly.

“No, I can’t do it that quickly, give me some time before I can face her family.” He pleaded and she looked up at him surprised.

“So, you had some connection with the victim? Other than your…” she stopped to think “unfortunate encounter?” she questioned and Bucky looked to the floor in shame.

“I managed to escape in 2009.” He whispered quietly and the doctor furrowed her eyebrows. “Pardon?”

“When I was with Hydra. I managed to escape and hide for about 3 years. The woman I killed, she helped me hide.” He confessed and her eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“This wasn’t in the files, I would’ve known.” She mumbled to herself as she shuffled through her notes and files.

“It isn’t,” Bucky said and ended her useless search. “Nobody knows about it. Except you.” He confessed and she calmed down.

“Alright, tell me what happened James.” She said and got her stupid notebook ready. Bucky took a few deep breathes to calm himself down and wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans.

“So, a few years back, the winter soldier was sent on a mission to the outskirts of San Francisco. It was supposed to be easy, just a takedown of some S.H.I.E.L.D. officials who were visiting one of the newer bases in the area. But then I realized it was a trap. Long story short, I got shot into the stomach, and left shoulder.” He started explaining.

He didn’t remember many injuries from his time as the winter soldier, but he could remember this one very clearly. The pain, the metallic taste of his own blood. His head started spinning just thinking about that and he decided to move on.

“I got away, but the bullet damaged the chip I had in my left shoulder and it got disconnected from Hydra’s systems. I ran a few blocks before collapsed from exhaustion in an ally way behind some bar.” He stopped to wait so the doctor could finish her writing and then continued.

“I think I laid there for about 3 hours before she came out of the bar. She worked her part-time job there because she was in college. She studied psychology.” Bucky’s voice cracked a bit and he took a deep breath because he could feel tears stinging his eyes.

“Take your time James.” She reminded and handed him a paper tissue. He thanked her and dabbed his eyes with it a few times.

“She wanted to take me to the hospital but I told her she can’t. I was so out of it because of the pain but I knew that this was maybe the only chance I would get at escaping Hydra. So she drove me to her dorm room about 20 minutes away from the bar.” He paused to collect his thoughts before he continued.

“She then took care of my injuries, made me some food, and let me sleep in her bed. My wounds wouldn’t heal for a long time so she decided to take me to a house she got from her grandparents. She even apologized for getting me out of the dorm room so quickly, but she explained that her roommate would come soon and she didn’t want to be questioned.” He chuckled as he felt the hot tears tumble down his cheeks.

“She drove me there and spent the whole weekend with me. In the meantime, I snapped out of my winter soldier mindset. So I explained everything to her and she wasn’t scared of me. Can you believe that?” he smiled fondly at the memory. The doctor only nodded at him with a smile on her face. It was unusual to see her smile.

“She then had to go back to her dorm on Sunday, but she left me with a lot of food, books, and clothes, so I would be okay. She visited every weekend and sometimes even throughout the week. And after a few months, we fell in love. When her semester finished, we stayed in the house together. It was like this for about three years, before Hydra found out where I was hiding.” He shivered at the memory and continued.

“Then, they made me kill her. And you know the rest.” He finished quickly and wiped his tears with the backs of his hands. The tissue that the doctor gave him laying on the table crumbled into a little ball.

“I miss her you know,” he sniffled and the doctor nodded with sympathy in her eyes.

“Only thing I got left is a photo I managed to hide in my boot.” He laughed and took out the polaroid to look at her. The doctor put out her hand.

“Can I see?” she asked softly and Bucky put the photo in her hand hesitantly. She thanked him quietly and turned the photo to look at it properly.

Her eyes first landed on Bucky’s smiling face. She could see he was holding the camera with one hand, and his other hand was wrapped around the shoulders of the girl on his left. She was squishing her cheek to Bucky’s and laughed into the camera, with her arms wrapped loosely around Bucky’s neck. Just from the first look, you could see that they were happy.

“What was her name? If you don’t mind me asking.” The doctor asked cautiously and Bucky smiled softly.

“Her name was (Y/N).”

“Thank you for sharing with me James, this was progress as well, you opening up.” She explained to him and he nodded his head, still looking to the ground.

“But you are taking a very long time with the list of amends so I can’t give you more time. You have time until the end of the month, which is 2 weeks. Not more.” She announced and he gulped loudly.

“I understand, why you were pushing this away, and I think you know you can’t do that any longer. This is the way to forgive yourself.” She explained.

“You can go, we are finished for today.” She dismissed him and he shook his head.

“The problem is doctor; I don’t think I can forgive myself,” Bucky answered and left the room.

--------------------------

A week later, tired-looking Bucky stumbled into his apartment. It was around 3 a.m. and he couldn’t sleep. Ever since he opened up to his therapist about his years on the run, he didn’t get much sleep. His nightmares were plagued with the images of his lover laying lifelessly on the floor under the bridge.

His sleep was haunted with the flashbacks of the horrible actions he had done, while under the influence of Hydra. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see her. He tried every single nightmare exercise the doctor taught him. Nothing helped. So he tried the second option. Get drunk and pass out from exhaustion.

But even that was hard. With the serum running through his veins, his alcohol tolerance was very high and getting drunk was nearly impossible. But after nearly 7 hours of constant drinking, he was plastered.

He drunkenly stumbled into his apartment, threw his keys and jacket on the floor, and took off his gloves and shoes. After nearly falling over the table, he finally got into his bedroom. He stripped down, put on his pajamas, and moved into the bathroom to do his nighttime routine.

He fell into the bed about 10 minutes later and fell asleep immediately. He just hoped no nightmares would haunt him this night.

------------------------

“Come on Bucky, you know me, please!” The woman in front of him begged as she backed away from him slowly.

“Who is Bucky?” He asked confused and she shook her head.

“It’s you, you are Bucky, My Bucky. You don’t have to go back. I know it’s very hard to resist but you have to try, then you can be free.” She tried to get into his head with her words but he only mumbled.

“You are my mission, I have to kill you.” He said in a monotone voice and she knew Hydra finally got into his head and she couldn’t do anything anymore. So she ran. She pushed a table in front of him to gain some time and ran out of the house, towards her car. She quickly sat inside and put the keys into the ignition.

“Come on, come on,” she mumbled as she tried to put the keys inside with her shaky hands.

“You can’t run from meeee.” The winter soldier shouted and (Y/N) whimpered in fear. The car finally started and she stepped on the gas and drove away.

She knew he would probably catch up to her, but trying wouldn’t hurt. Honestly, she didn’t have anything to lose and at this point, she was just stalling her own death.

She got into the city and slowed down a bit. There were quite a lot of cars and she didn’t want to cause an accident. But just a few minutes later, a car rammed into the passenger’s side of her car. Her head hit her steering wheel and her ears started ringing.

She looked to see the car that rammed into her, and she could see the winter soldier sitting in the driver’s seat. She saw her chance to flee when he couldn’t open his door and struggled with it for a few moments.

“Not today, bitch.” She mumbled and quickly opened her door and ran in a random direction as fast as she could. She later regretted that decision, because she got lost.

She ended up hiding under some random bridge. She sat down behind some concrete cubes and finally breathed for a bit. She couldn’t run anymore, her legs were burning and she couldn’t breathe anymore. She was also quite sure she had a concussion.

She just stared off into the distance and she could feel the tears running down her cheeks. (Y/N) missed her Bucky so much. She missed his pretty laugh and his unfunny jokes.

She shivered as she felt the cold January air seep into her bones. She didn’t even have a jacket.

“Now, as much as I love a good chase, this is where we end it.” She heard a cold voice behind her and she froze up. This was the end.

She got ready to run when he grabbed her by the neck and pushed her against a pillar behind him. The woman tried to fight him and get out of his grasp, but it didn’t do anything. He pressed against her windpipe and she whimpered.

“Please no,” she whispered as she tried to breathe. She sniffled softly and touched his wrist lightly. She knew she was going to die. She decided to let Bucky know she didn’t hate him. She knew he would blame himself when he snapped out of it.

“I love you.” She whispered and he cocked an eyebrow. “I just want you to know that I don’t hate you now, and I never will.” She could feel her eyes closing and she stretched her hand towards his face. But it didn’t get there. Her hand fell limp on his shoulder and he breathed out.

“At least your beautiful face is the last thing I get to see before I die.” She chuckled before her eyes closed and her body went limp.

The winter soldier then let go of her neck and her body tumbled towards the ground. He looked around and saw a van parked just 0.2 miles away from them. He looked at the girl one last time before moving towards the van. He opened the back door and slid in.

“Mission report?”

“Gone”

-------------------

Bucky woke up with a gasp and tears running down his cheek. He looked at his alarm clock. It was 6 a.m. which meant, he only slept for about 3 hours, which was better than every single night prior.

He breathed in and out slowly before he stood up and moved towards his closet. He pulled out 2 pillows and a blanket. He tied the pillows together with the blanket and created something like a pillow snake.

“Okay, let’s try this.” He mumbled to himself as he got back into the bed. He put the pillow snake on the empty side of the bed and hesitantly cuddled up to it, seeking just a tiny bit of comfort. He wrapped his arms around it and pushed his face into it, and fell asleep slowly. He slept until 9 a.m.

----------------------

“So the nightmares are back.” The doctor asked and Bucky nodded looking very tired.

“And you still haven’t finished your amends.” She said, sounding a bit disappointed. He only shook his head as he yawned.

“I think it would put your mind at ease you know,” she started slowly and Bucky shook his head again.

“I’m guessing you didn’t meet her family when you were together.”

“No, I met her friend Eliot by mistake but other than that, no.” The doctor nodded slowly and scribbled something into her notepad.

“I really think you should go and see her family. The sooner, the better.” She stated firmly and Bucky nodded.

“You are right.” He mumbled and looked at her.

“We can end the session sooner and you can go and catch a flight. You can see them the first thing in the morning.” She proposed and Bucky sighed sadly.

“Okay, thanks.” He mumbled, stood up, and left the room.

----------------------

He got a hotel room in San Francisco later that night. He was quite tired from the flight and prayed, the nightmares would leave him alone.

He walked into his hotel room, checked if everything was as it should be, and flopped onto the bed. He put out a photo of (Y/N) and stroked it slowly.

“I hope your family understands, and they don’t hate me. Hope they are just as kind as you are.” He whispered and smiled sadly.

“I miss you so much my love, so so much.” He kissed the photo softly, put it inside of his bedside table, and rolled onto his left side. He fell asleep quite quickly that night.

----------------------------

He has been standing in front of the house for the last 40 minutes. He just couldn’t bring himself to ring the bell.

“Okay Barnes, you got this.” He whispered to himself as he walked towards the front door through the front garden. He wiped his sweaty hands in his jeans and rang the doorbell with a shaky finger.

It was quiet for a bit before the door rattled and an elderly woman opened the door.

“Hello, can I help you?” she asked happily and Bucky nodded.

“I wanted to talk about your daughter (Y/N),” he said slowly and the woman only laughed.

“What did the girl get herself into again?” the woman laughed and Bucky looked at her with wide eyes.

“She is alive?” he gasped and the woman nodded.

“Of course, nearly died in 2012, and disappeared during the blip, but yeah. She is.” Who’s asking?

“My name is James, I’m an old friend.” He stuttered out and the woman narrowed her eyes.

“You want her address?” she asked and Bucky quickly nodded his head.

“Give me the note book, I’ll give it to you.” She motioned towards his little book and he handed it to her.

“It’s not that far, you can walk there actually.” She informed and Bucky thanked her.

“Thank you so much, I have to go and see her, see you later.” He shouted as he ran away from the door.

“This should be it.” He mumbled to himself as he walked around the neighborhood. He stopped in front of a big house, with a beautiful front garden. It looked like the house, they talked about when they were together.

--------------------

“And it should have a big front garden, so our dogs can run in it” she imagined and Bucky nodded.

“Yeah, and a big pool so we don’t have to go swimming in a lake.” He proposed and she laughed.

“Yeah” she trailed off and the smile on her face fell slowly.

“Hey, what’s wrong dove?” Bucky asked seriously and she only shook her head.

“Just hope we’ll get what we want.” She said sadly and Bucky took her face in his hands.

“Hey, we just have to believe, one day, I’ll be free and we’ll travel the world together okay?” he reassured her and she smiled up at him.

She kissed him slowly in agreement and he hummed into the kiss.

------------------

He got back into reality when he stopped in front of the front door. He didn’t want to wait any longer. He pressed it and stepped away from the door. The door rattled and she opened it up.

“Bucky?” she asked softly and he nodded with his eyes full of tears.

“It’s me dove.” He said tearfully and she moved towards him. She quickly wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug. He only wrapped his arms around her waist and put his face into her neck, to breathe in her wonderful smell.

“I missed you so much,” she sobbed out and tightened her arms around him.

“I didn’t think I would ever see you again.” He mumbled and she shook her head.

“I made it out with a mild concussion.” She snorted and he looked at her with wide eyes.

“It’s funny to you?” he asked baffled and she nodded.

“No one gets away from the winter soldier and I did it.” She laughed and his smile fell.

“If you are wondering, I’m no longer him, I got rid of him.” He clarified and (Y/N) shushed him.

“Let’s talk about this later, just kiss me now.” He begged and Bucky nodded. He quickly put his lips on hers and she pulled him even closer by his neck.

“I love you” she mumbled.

“I love you too, I’m never letting you go ever again.”

------------------------

Thank you so much for 76 followers, I am so, so happy you are enjoying my work.

Thanks for reading my work, and if you enjoyed this story, please check out my other work, like, reblog and follow.

If you have any ideas or requests for fanfics, blurbs, or headcanons, you would like me to write, please let me know, and I will do my best to write it.

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I would really appreciate it if you left some feedback, so if you think I could improve something, please let me know.

-Faye xxx

[oswinsdolma]

Proving all the Knights of the Round Table have magic part 3: Elyan

I've seen quite a few people headcanon Elyan with magic before, and it's definitely one of the more popular magic!knights hcs, so I apologise if I accidentally hijack anyone else's points xx

The most obvious indicator of this is the fact that Elyan leaves Camelot a year before Merlin arrives. This is about the same age Morgana's magic shows itself, so it would be natural to assume he left because he began showing signs of being a warlock, Camelot's laws being what they are.

It is also implied that Elyan left fairly abruptly, with Gwen having no idea where he went. He may have left in a hurry because somebody might have noticed him, and not told Gwen or Tom for fear of putting them in danger.

Perhaps in a darker note, he didn't say where he was going because he was ashamed of his magic and didn't think his family would accept him.

Gwen says that "[Elyan] always seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time". Maybe accidents happen around him because he had trouble controlling his magic and found it increasingly difficult to cover for. This could be another indicator as to why he left.

Elyan didn't return to Camelot even for his father's funeral, and while he expresses his guilt, he doesn't give sufficient reason why: the reason? He may not be able to tell Gwen because he was still scared to return with magic.

When Gwen reveals her relationship with Arthur, Elyan is skeptical, and maybe even a little panicked. After all, would your sister falling in love with someone with the power to set you ablaze not be a terrifying concept to anyone with magic? But when Arthur comes to rescue them and proves himself to be slightly less of a prat than he may think, he tentatively agrees to return home, though I suspect this is mainly for Gwen's sake.

When the immortal army invades Camelot, Elyan manages to stay hidden and fight off some soldiers. Note that he is the only one of the group within Camelot with no Knights' training, which begs the question: how did he manage to escape? The answer could very well lie with magic.

Again, in The Darkest Hour, he is one of two knights that survived the meeting with Morgana. He is one of the more inexperienced knights as well, which suggests that he may have aided himself magically in the fight.

When faced with a seemingly unbeatable threat, Elyan says to Arthur: "tomorrow, we fight in your name, sure. For freedom and justice in this land." Now there is a lot to unpack here, but if we break it down, firstly there is the fact that Elyan places is emphasis on "your" when addressing Arthur. He has previously made a statement about the Pendragon crest, but in this moment, it seems that he cares more about Arthur than this. This is clearly indicative of the fierce bond between Arthur and the core knights, but it could be more than that: the emphasis of "your" is specific to Arthur, but perhaps more importantly, it is an exclusion of Uther. In his time, Arthur has made mistakes, but he has generally been more sympathetic towards magic than his father, and this may be Elyan's subtle way of acknowledging that.

In addition, the words: "for freedom and justice in this land" could just be in reference for Arthur's abilities as king, but this is a deep speech and one would assume it has a deeper meaning. Freedom and justice are two things that have not been afforded to those with magic for a long time. Uther's twisted "justice" involved executing anyone who disagreed with him and anyone who could be vaguely affiliated with sorcery. As for freedom, Arthur has created a fairer kingdom than his father, but magic users still live in fear. Combined with the earlier stress of "your", this is indicative that Elyan too believes that Arthur may one day come to bring peace to anyone who is born with magic.

This last point also has the implications that Elyan knows of the Once and Future King and surrounding prophecies. Though he is described as a troublemaker by Gwen before he comes to Camelot, he keeps his head relatively low upon arrival. Perhaps in the time he spent travelling, he sought help from magical communities, e.g. the druids, who helped him control his powers. This would also explain his vagueness about his whereabouts and lack of contact during the years he was missing.

I could go on about this quote but we'll leave it there for now.

Before he is overtaken by the power of the Lamia, Elyan is vocal in standing up for Merlin. This could be because he knows what it is like to be shunned by society. Magic could be a reason for that. (Also I fully believe that the only reason the Lamia didn't try and take over Merlin was because she was scared of the extent of his magic, not just because he had magic.)(and the merthur reasons when I'm in the mood)

Then Elyan falls sick, before the others begin to show symptoms. Maybe the Lamia sensed some magic and decided he was more trouble than he was worth.

Elyan was not raised by druids, and does not have the same powers as Merlin so wouldn't have sensed the power of the shrine, at least not too strongly. When he first sees the spirit though, he is genuinely sympathetic, even before the murderous intent takes hold.

In the Dark Tower, Elyan is consumed by his need to find Gwen, convinced that he is to blame for her capture. This could be survivor's guilt (and to an extent, probably is), but it is equally probable that Elyan believes that he should have used his magic to protect her.

Going off on a slight tangent here, the theme of "I have magic so it must have a purpose" within warlocks/sorcerers in the show is a) not a healthy mindset and b) uncomfortably common. Elyan may have latched onto the idea that he must use his magic to protect Gwen to convince himself to stay in Camelot, and with that conprmino, he began to fall apart. His behaviour is almost identical to Merlin's fervour regarding Arthur at this point, and it's fairly disturbing that these characters adopt this mindset that is Not Good For Their Mental Heath, Please Get Some Therapy.

Elyan dies. It's heartbreaking, and he does so trying to save his sister. But what is interesting is his funeral. When most main characters die, they are given a funeral in Camelot, e.g. Uther, Lancelot (the first time). But then Freya and Shade!Lanceot (and later Arthur) are set to rest in the Lake of Avalon. The difference between the two is that the lake funerals were arranged by Merlin, and those laid to rest there can somehow be affiliated with magic.

Now I'm not saying that Merlin knew about Elyan's magic, because sometimes he can be really not very perceptive about that (though it's always fun when fics cheerily toss that out the window because it's fun goddamnit-), but I don't believe he was entirely oblivious. Think about it: there are two of Arthur's closest friends canonically hiding magic from him and it's fairly probable that they'll pick up on Elyan's magic at some point. Even if it's just little things like his sympathies with magic or gentle arguments about the way mages are treated. There are so many avenues to explore with this it's overwhelming-

I also think Elyan may have picked up on Merlin's magic later in the series: the point of realisation was probably when Merlin rescued him during his time being possessed by the drowned druid boy, upon which he says: "you know, Merlin, you're much braver than you look." This is the first time Merlin has revealed his more BAMF side to Elyan, and in this moment, something unspoken passes between them. If not mutual understanding, it is at least Elyan realising what Merlin does beneath his carefree exterior, and despite the possession, I think he acquires a lot of new respect for his friend.

(also are we going to ignore that the lake funeral implies that it was arranged by Merlin. How close were they and what stuff did we miss out on behind the scenes for him to be trusted with this?? I need to know)

Elyan and Mordred have a friendship in series 5. If the earlier headcanon about Elyan learning to control his magic with druids is true, perhaps he may have recognised Mordred from his time there. They probably didn't acknowledge it much, but it created a bond between them.

And now for the mythological context!!

Of all the Knights of the Round Table, Elyan's backstory is perhaps the most estranged from the original legend (of course all of them are fairly disconnected *flashbacks to pope-gwaine* but Elyan's is w a c k y)

As a consequence, there is little to draw on for behind-the-scenes evidence of magic.

Elyan, or Helayn, was another Knight whose origins stem from France (the Vulgate Cycle, I think, though he could have surfaced earlier). He is said to have joined Lancelot in exile after his affair of 'courtly love' with Guinevere (go and look up this concept- it gets convoluted in the myths but is really interesting in terms of both origin and content). Anyway, his exile here could represent the time he spent out of Camelot before his appearance in s3, and relates to hiding from harsh laws, particularly if we regard Lancelot and Guinevere's relationship in the same way as we do in the Vulgate Cycle (basically keep the context with the appropriate work and it sort of makes sense)

I appreciate this seems a little like grasping at straws but that's literature I suppose ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

In the legends, Elyan is nephew to another of Arthur's knights, Sir Sagramore. This knight is less famous than some, but at one point, he embarks on a quest to find the fay. The fay are closely linked with the she, and perhaps also live on Avalon, somewhere mortals are only supposed to see moments before death. Perhaps Elyan can be associated with this magic?

In reality, there is little written of Elyan and no prose or poetry dedicated to him so it's quite hard to find stuff about him.

Also legend!Elyan is heir to the throne of Constantinople, which just goes to prove how widespread and deeply convoluted the mythos is.

[fluffyblaire]

why can’t Hawks refuse?

‼️MANGA SPOILERS‼️

Tootooroo~ 🎺Buckle up, folks, it’s time for a Hawks character analysis! 

Today, we’re going to talk about what kind of person Keigo is, how Keigo reconciles with Hawks, how much of the HPSC is inside of Hawks and how all of that comes together to answer the question: “why can’t Hawks refuse?”

Section I: Keigo

Looking at Keigo as a grown up, it can be hard to tell which of his actions are natural to him and which ones are a result of the HPSC’s upbringing. However, there is one place where we can see what kind of person Keigo is at the very core, before the HPSC or any other major societal institution touched him. 

Exhibit A: “Top heroes have stories about them from their school days. Most of their stories have one thing in common: their bodies moved before they had a chance to think.” —All Might

When Keigo was a kid, he saved this entire family. This is his origin story, the story “from [his] school days” if he had gone to school, the story where “[his] body moved before [he] had a chance to think.” As a child, he saved a family from a disaster, and that should tell you a lot more about his character other than just that he was a very physically capable boy.

Keigo has the heart of a true hero, and he had it long before hero society’s influence reached him. He didn’t need the society around him to tell him to be selfless. He didn’t need the media broadcasting heroics every day to tell him helping people is good. He just does. He lived in the slums and if anything, his environment and thief relative would have taught him the opposite: be selfish, that’s how you survive. But he’s not like that. He gives and gives and doesn’t even stick around for recognition. 

This is who Takami Keigo is and while he will lose and gain layers of personality after the Commission recruits him, the core motivations, values, and emotions that compelled him to save this family do not change.

Section II: Hawks

After the HPSC recruits Keigo, Keigo’s heroic heart begins to blend with the tools and habits the HPSC gives him. Keigo, combined with the Commission’s training, becomes Hawks.

Now, what did the HPSC do to Keigo? I don’t think they physically or emotionally abused him for years—at least not in the conventional sense. If that were the case, I believe we would have gotten the details by now. I do think that Keigo must have suffered and that he was taken advantage of by the adults around him in a very strategic and unethical way. Let’s look at all the things I can dissect about Keigo’s upbringing by the Commission.

Exhibit B: “My back just ain’t broad enough to put the people at ease.” —Hawks

The first thing to note is that baby Keigo had big dreams when he was first recruited.

He wanted to be a shiny hero the likes of Endeavor but when we meet Hawks, one of the first major character depth details we find out about him is that he thinks his own back isn’t enough.

Sometime between when he agreed to the HPSC’s training and when he became the No.2 hero, something in Keigo died. A dream died, and he has accepted that he cannot be like his childhood hero. Comparing himself to Endeavor, Hawks thinks himself inferior in more ways than just power stats.

Keigo knows there is a disconnect between what he wanted to be and what he actually became, but he also knows his role well and still tries his best with it even though it isn’t the one he thought he had been promised when the HPSC recruited him. He is unsatisfied but he still does his best. Why? Because after all these years, the kid who flew straight into an automobile disaster to save an entire family is still there underneath the Commission’s manufactured hero. 

He still wants to protect people who can’t protect themselves; his dissatisfaction with how he achieves that didn’t dampen that spirit. This is why he works his ass off but still seems discontent with himself. His role may not be his ideal one but through it, he can protect people, and that’s enough for him to keep doing his best.

Exhibit C: “A special program... to become a special hero.” —Unknown

The second thing to bring up is that if the Commission did not make Hawks like his role model, what did they make him? 

Keigo just wanted to be a flashy hero that saves people from bad guys. A very simple, honest type of hero. The Commission did give him the skills for that, but they also gave him skills that a simple, honest hero should never need: espionage, acting, lying, manipulation, and who knows what else.

Hawks’ hero education was not the same education the UA kids are getting. In this panel, Hawks narrates as if his “negotiation skills” were a convenient coincidence, but come on. What straight forward, honest hero (like All Might, Endeavor, Miruko—you get the type) would need social manipulation skills? The HPSC knew what they were doing when they selected Hawks’ curriculum, and the material came in handy at last when they assigned him this mission that a simple, honest hero should never have to take on. The HPSC never intended to turn Hawks into a simple, honest hero; they wanted to turn him into a hyper-competent soldier to whom they can assign the hardest, dirtiest work that no ordinary hero would be willing to do. 

Judging by the way he joked about the HPSC’s “proposal,” I am led to believe that Hawks is used to his own feelings and concerns not mattering. People, especially children, do not naturally accept that their wants don’t matter, so what does this tell you about how Hawks was raised?

Exhibit D: My Hero Academia ED7

The third thing I need to talk about is this photo. I think one look at this photo of Keigo from ED7 should tell you something was off with his childhood even after he was taken in by the Commission.

Out of all the photos Bones could have shown of baby Keigo, they chose a photo of him in a hospital gown, blindfolded, surrounded by nameless, faceless men in suits with a chain-linked fence in the background of a cold metal training facility. If you look too quickly, you’d think his hands were tied in front of him because of the way his posture and pose is drawn.

This photo choice alone is enough to submit to me that something unethical was going on when the Commission picked Keigo up, and Horikoshi and the producers of the anime want us to read it as unethical. We are meant to read Hawks as a victim here, but we are given no indication in the story that Hawks thinks of himself as a victim. Once again, I am led to believe that he is accustomed to his own feelings not mattering in the grand scheme of things. He has no expectations of being treated more considerately, so he does not view himself as a victim of anything.

Exhibit E: Lonely Birdie

The fourth thing I want to bring up is Hawks’ lack of human connections. The Commission talked as if he had a family when they picked him up, but there’s no mention of that family when we see Hawks as a pro. He leaves his sidekicks behind. He has a professional, frosty relationship with the HPSC, the people who raised him from childhood. He has no one who is a friend close enough that the question of his civilian name would have even come up. The colleague he trusted most with info on his PLF infiltration was Endeavor who he’d only know in person for a few months.

Hawks can be very likable; his approval rating is high and the common folk love him. He is also very perceptive of and constantly thinking of others. And yet he has no close human connections, and the only explanation I can think of for this is that he distances himself from others either consciously or subconsciously.

This tells me either Keigo had no chances/time to seek out human connections on his own as he grew up or he was discouraged from forming those connections altogether. In either case, I doubt he was shown much affection during his training. He was not treated as if a child adopted into a family; he was treated as a new recruit to be guided and whipped into shape. A lack of human relationships while growing up likely led to his lack of relationships as an adult.

Exhibit F: Guilty Birdie

The fifth thing to note is that Hawks blames himself for anything that is not swift, decisive success. He always moves like he’s running out of time and thinks like he must do everything on his own. 

This mindset is very self-destructive and the consistency with which he repeatedly monologues lines like “think of the citizens/think of Japan/if only you did X” tells me this mindset was something that was drilled into him from the outside. These don’t sound like things you would monologue to yourself to psych yourself up. These sound like things a trainer or coach would tell you repeatedly in order to guilt you into working harder. 

Section III: Why Can’t Hawks Refuse?

Accepting that his own feelings don’t matter, distancing himself from others, using guilt to push himself, etc.—I think these are small habits the HPSC strategically instilled in Hawks through his environment as they raised him. The HPSC had an agenda while raising Hawks, but it’s nothing as dramatic as brainwashing. Instead, the Commission focused on building small and seemingly harmless habits like the ones I’ve noted. These habits can be positive if applied correctly but instead, over the years, they’ve subtly broken down Hawks’ sense of self-love and made him a slave to his own heroic heart.

His own feelings don’t matter when it comes to fulfilling his role, so Hawks will never refuse a mission just because he doesn’t like it. He habitually guilts himself with a reminder of who he is doing everything for—the people—so he’ll always work hard and fast. He distances himself from others, so no one will ever get close enough to him to teach him his human value and change his habits. Take these tendencies and make them second nature to a man whose heart is far too giving, and it’s not hard to see how the Commission trapped Hawks without having to actually trap him.

I don’t think the HPSC is doing anything dark like threatening/blackmailing Hawks. They don’t need to. Hawks can’t refuse their request because, deep down, he is simply too kind. If he is given a chance to save people, he won’t let himself abandon the opportunity. If he can take the burden of a dirty job off of someone else’s shoulders, he will. 

Keigo wasn’t a good hero candidate just because of his Quirk. His nature is too kind, especially to those he doesn’t know, and the Commission saw it from the beginning and took advantage of it. They don’t have to brainwash or leash him. All they had to do was teach him some self-destructive but seemingly heroic habits and those along with Keigo’s innate selflessness are more than enough to keep him focused on his role and unable to flat-out say no to the Commission.

Exhibit G: The Diamond

Lastly, let’s talk about how the diamond on Hawks’ hero costume matches the diamond on the HPSC building. It’s subtle, but I think it means something. It’s subtle just as the HPSC’s influence on Hawks is subtle in the form of small personal habits. The habits the HPSC strategically fostered in Hawks won’t disappear just because he has his own agency now and can carry his career alone. The diamond on Hawks’ chest is like a brand. Once property of the HPSC, always property of the HPSC even in the smallest ways.

In conclusion: If the HPSC wanted to indoctrinate Hawks, they could’ve easily done it, and the Hawks we know today who is skeptical of the HPSC and who observed that a villain could be a good person would not exist. Instead, the Commission knew they could make him independent (therefore, low maintenance) and easy to order around when needed if they went the subtler route: shaping not his values, moral code, or motivations but his internal habits. It’s sneaky, it’s shady, it’s unethical, but it’s kind of brilliant. 

[bookwyrminspiration]

“Tam in Kotlc frustrates me” anon again, I feel like I should clarify that I don’t necessarily think Tam has anxiety or anything. I just meant that the behaviors I displayed as a kid bc of my anxiety matched up with a lot of what Tam did, so I felt like I was understood in that way, if that makes sense. All the characters I’d seen before who were meant to be more anxious were always emotional, shy, would stutter and stuff, etc. Which, I’m sure there are people who are like that. But for me, being anxious made me irritable and offstandish and I came off as “edgier” despite my best efforts to be kind to others (and the fact that I was an absolute doormat.). I saw myself when I first read Tam in the books, since he was more offstandish and generally regarded as edgy by those who know him because of it.

hello again! (i know you sent this in at about the same time as the other one but I had a study session after I answered it so I couldn't answer them at the same time)

mental illnesses in general get boxed into stereotypes and specific traits that are well known or exaggerated get used frequently because they're immediately recognizable, regardless of if they're correct or not. going with the example of anxiety, you mentioned a lot of the traits we frequently see. it's the "shy, quiet, stammering character (frequently a girl)," who frequently just lacks self confidence and completely overcomes her anxiety once someone tells her her worth. and that's simply not a narrative many people can relate to (it is for some and there's nothing wrong with that, but it's not representative of the majority, in my opinion). because anxiety disorders aren't just a mindset, there are neurological transmitters involved too, the literal chemistry of our brain

that's a big of a tangent tho, so back to your point. the mind seeks connection and familiarity, and we're pretty good at picking up patterns, so seeing Tam's actions and how he presents himself gives us the opportunity to look for those relations to us, whether or not he has an anxiety disorder. they may be surface level, like how I see his all-black clothing and make the connection to my 98% black wardrobe, or they may be more complex and hard to identify, like seeing how he brushes off so many of Keefe's insults so easily like someone who's heard it all before and relating it to a personal disconnect to how other's perceive you (note: i don't think Tam knows himself, not after a lifetime of being told who he should be and just not being around others, but that's a different conversation)

for me, anxiety made me difficult to deal with, but not because I needed comforting, because I was stubborn and wouldn't listen to others and took control of situations that didn't need me involved, sometimes making them worse. It wasn't until multiple people described me as "scary" (their words, not mine) that I realized it wasn't just a minor inconvenience or stereotypical cutesy anxiety, but something that made me aggressive and confrontational and quick to jump to conclusions. I laughed it off at the time, but anxiety disorders can seriously affect your social life.

and this is a trait i can see in Tam at times, the way he gets frustrated by things (frequent scowling) and doesn't like to let people in without first confirming it will work out and meets his personal standards. a history of failed friendships and other relations that leads to a nervousness and reigned suspicion of how things will go, if that makes sense

going back to the doormat thing, I think a part of this can apply to Tam too, and it's something I've mentioned briefly in other posts. he's not a super lenient doormat kind of person, but he's not a very strong advocate for himself, if you can catch my distinction. things happen to him, and he just goes with it. he's not bending over backwards for others, but it's as though he's not an active participant in his own life and is just getting tossed from situation to situation. one smaller example: being in Sophie's friend group. that just kind of happened. he didn't necessarily want to be part of it, but now he is because of other's (Linh's and Sophie's, primarily) actions.

Tam's relationships and interactions with the other characters greatly interest me because they're almost unnatural in a natural way. they're off in a way that people who don't interact with others much (which a lot of people with anxiety, especially social, can relate to) can recognize, and while Tam's may originally stem from several years of Linh being his only companion, it stuck with him a lot more than it seems to have stuck with Linh (in my opinion).

there's just so much to him and how he composes himself to analyze, so thank you for giving me the opportunity! as someone with anxiety and just a general living outside the bubble experience, Tam really draws my interest

[poliel]

Surprise Egg 12/13: You Saved Buddy

“Of everyone I would’ve thought might decide jump off like that, I never would’ve guessed you’d be one,” Beffica said as she sidled up next to Filbo at the wheel.

“I couldn’t leave Buddy behind.” Not after everything they’d done for everyone else.

“Yeah, I suppose that’s true. Still wouldn’t have thought you had it in you. So… good job, I guess.”

Filbo tensed, gripping the wheel spokes a little harder because whenever she said something nice to him it was always followed by her turning it into a nasty backhanded compliment. … But no such thing was coming? … “Thanks?”

She laughed. “Wow, other than Buddy, people really don’t say nice things to you often, huh?”

“Not really, no.” It was really the fact that it was coming from her though that had put him off a bit. “And uh… I didn’t really do anything other than almost get myself killed so… yeah.” He didn’t really deserve someone telling him he’d done a ‘good job’ because he hadn’t.

“Nonsense, you saved Buddy. Probably anyway, it was kind of hard to see with how far it was and how unsteady the boat was. But I’m pretty sure their chances of dying back there would’ve been a lot higher if you hadn’t jumped down. So good job.” She patted him firmly on the back. “Gosh, I never would’ve thought I’d ever say anything like that to you of all people. But I guess that’s just how life is sometimes.”

“Uh… thanks.”

“Anyway, it looks like Cromdo wants to talk to you too so I’ll leave you to it or whatever.” With a dismissive paw wave, she turned and left.

Filbo turned to see that Cromdo had come up on his other side and was now standing there looking awkward. “Uh… hi Cromdo?”

“Yes uh… hi. I just wanted to say… uh well, how do it put this? Um… Hmmm…”

“You’re sorry you tried to leave without Buddy?” Filbo guessed.

Cromdo perked up, his snarky grin returning. “Yep, that’s it. That exact thing.”

“It’s fine.”

“Wait, you ain’t mad?”

“No. It was… the smart thing to do.” Looking back on it, there was no way Filbo could deny it even if he still hated the thought of it. “That Mama Mewon would’ve destroyed the ship if we’d hung around there for even a few more seconds. And then all of us would’ve been in pretty big trouble. So it’s fine.”

“Oh uh… cool. You sounded awful mad back there though, I ain’t never heard you growl like that before.”

“Oh uh… I try not but… it was a rather heated moment.” He’d growled at the Mama Mewon too even if it was only for at most a second or two. It had just happened not long ago yet and already he felt disconnected from it as if it had happened long ago or he’d seen someone else do it.

“But anyway uh… good job on saving Buddy and all that.” He too patted Filbo on the back before walking away.

“Thanks.”

In the next few hours almost everyone else onboard expressed surprise about Filbo jumping off to save Buddy and some kind of commendation for it as well. It was nice but… weird. Not knowing how to respond, he always just said ‘thanks’ and left it at that. Thankfully everyone was a bit too emotionally exhausted to talk about such things long and thus it wasn’t brought up for long.

Leaving Filbo to focus on piloting the ship as the sun finally rose. Despite that everyone else were finding places, mostly on deck or heading into the cabin to sleep. He’d have to join them soon because somehow even despite how worried he was about Buddy he was still very tired. The lack of sleep last night and the events of it were more than starting to catch up with him. He’d push himself for a little bit longer though.

Some hours later after everyone’s had some sleep and are awake again

“We should endeavor to keep bugsnax a secret,” Snorpy suddenly announced, breaking over the low murmur of conversation that had fallen over everyone milling around the deck.

“Why?” Gramble asked.

It was Floofty who answered him. “While normally I would brush Snorpyington’s fears off as baseless paranoia, we’ve discussed it privately with Triffany, who informed us of what we missed of Buddy’s interview of Lizbert, and all three of us came to the same conclusion. Bugsnax are dangerous and insidious. If we let the world know of them, many would be adventurers would find their way to Snaktooth Island in search of them and would consequently fall prey to their manipulations. Much like how all of us nearly did even despite our initial caution.”

That was a fair point; at the start of the expedition everyone had been wary about bugsnax and their transformative properties but quickly everyone’s fears had gone away. Looking back on it now, everyone had become okay with it much faster than was probably wise and other than Shelda hadn’t questioned it since. But while keeping them secret was probably wise and Filbo agreed with the idea of doing so… “Buddy’s not going to like that.” It felt wrong to take their story away from them after everything they’d suffered through for it.

“I know,” Triffany said from her spot by the cabin door. “But they’ll understand.”

Knowing how passionate they were about it, Filbo wasn’t so sure but, while it would take some convincing, they probably would ultimately concede to the wisdom of it. … “How are they by the way? Have they woken up, yet?” Surely they’d have come out of the cabin by now if they had and it’s not like Filbo would’ve missed them doing so. Though it could’ve been when he was sleeping.

“Last I saw they were still sleeping. Me and Wamby have been taking turns keeping an eye on them. But, if we’re all in agreement about keeping the bugsnax secret, I’ll go wake them real quick to check on them and make sure they know to censor their story.” She turned to look at everyone else gathered on the deck. After getting a general mumble of agreement from them, she turned and headed into the cabin.

With that apparently decided, everyone went back to their soft private conversations or silence. Filbo went back to focusing on steering the ship. He’d never been the best pilot but if the weather continued to hold fair he could probably get them back to the mainland in a couple more days, depending on how long and how often he ended up resting for.

When he got there though, to keep the bugsnax a secret, he wouldn’t be able to go home. … That was fine, he’d already decided with Buddy that he was going to stick with them. He could wait a few weeks to visit his family until the snakifcation wore off. And during that time he’d ensure Buddy rested tons and got plenty to eat and didn’t run about the place nearly 24/7 or splash around in freezing cold water. For once, he was going to take care of them whether they liked it or not. And then maybe once his snakification had worn off he could introduce them to his family. And then Budd could…

“You still don’t want anything to do with the egg, right?”

He looked up to see Gramble had approached the wheel. “Huh?”

“The egg. We’re trying to figure out what do with it now that we ain’t all going to be living in the same town no more. Of course we’ll have to talk to Triffany and Wambus about it too but for now, we’ve decided we’re all going to hole up in Wiggle’s mansion until the snakification wears off everyone else and then decide what to do with it after that. But I figured since it’s biologically yours and Buddy’s we should ask you too. Since you know, initially you at least were going to still see it and the grumpling around and stuff since we were all living real close together but now that’s not the case so… just wanted to ask if you want anything to do with it.”

“Oh uh… I’d rather not have any part in raising or watching it or being any kind of responsible for it general, if that’s what you mean. Maybe when the kid’s older I can act like their uncle or something. Just… don’t tell them I’m their biological parent, please.” That was not the kind of responsibility or pressure he wanted right now or any time in the near future, or perhaps ever. Buddy seemed pretty adamant about not having kids at any point and Filbo was okay with that idea. So maybe they could be one of those childless couples that a lot of the older generations liked to hate on. His parents weren’t going to like that but this wasn’t about them.

“All right.” Gramble almost seemed to sigh. “I still don’t get that mindset but… I guess if it makes you happy then…”

“Buddy’s not waking up.”

Filbo snapped his attention over to Triffany, standing holding the cabin door open. “Uh… hold the wheel for a bit, please Gramble.”

“W-why me?” he stammered but took the wheel as Filbo stepped away.

Ignoring him, Filbo went straight to Triffany, following her into the cabin. “What do you mean Buddy’s not waking up?”

It was Wambus who answered though. “She means they ain’t waking up.” He was sitting on the floor, leaning back against the rear wall next where Buddy still lay, their backpack under their head. “We tried everything but they ain’t even stirring a bit.”

“W-well they’re just really tired, right? They’ll be fine in a few hours.” Because they had to be after everything else, they’d survived.

Triffany gave him concerned look. “Perhaps. I’m worried though. If they continue not waking up then eventually… you know.”

“Well then… if… if they’re not awake and better by the time we reach the mainland then we’re taking them straight to the ER even if that means we can’t keep our snakification a secret.” Before she or Wambus could try to voice a protest, he turned and left, pulling the cabin door closed again, barely refraining from slamming.

“Is Buddy okay?” Gramble asked as Filbo returned, taking the wheel from him.

“No but… but I can’t do anything except get them back to land faster.” And he wasn’t going to rest until he’d done so.

[dropintomanga]

Demon Slayer and My Hero Academia - 2 Sides of the Same Coin?

Whenever you hear about Koyoharu Gotoge’s Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba, you tend to hear about the records the series has smashed in Japan since the anime adaptation aired. From taking over entire top 20 Oricon manga charts to being one of Japan’s most highly grossed movies ever to influencing political campaigns, Demon Slayer is a once-in-a-lifetime hit that captivated an entire nation. (Oh, and Gotoge is the 1st mangaka ever selected for the Time 100 Next list)

However, outside of Japan, Demon Slayer isn’t as popular as one of its other Shonen Jump brethren, Kohei Horikoshi’s My Hero Academia. Demon Slayer still sells well and fans love the series over here in The United States, but manga sales charts are filled with more My Hero Academia volumes than Demon Slayer volumes.

I’ve been thinking about both series’ popularity in the context of the East versus West dynamic.

As cultural experts will tell you, Western principles are built on a sense of individualism. You deserve the freedom to choose your own path. You can make it on your own. No one should get in the way of what you want. Eastern principles are all about collectivism. Make sacrifices for the prosperity of the group. Don’t do anything that hurts other people around you. The world doesn’t revolve around you.

When I think about My Hero Academia, it makes sense that Western fans love it a bit/lot more than Demon Slayer. We all want to be heroes of our story. We want to be more than who we are. It’s about youth who are focusing on their own growth and getting away from their comfort zones to find new opportunities to become stronger.

Demon Slayer isn’t about being a hero. It’s about a guy who wanted to make his demon sister human again. He’s not interested in being the absolute best to save the world. While saving Japan ends up being a consequence of his actions, family is what’s important to main lead Tanjiro Kamado. Also, superheroes aren’t nearly as popular in Japan compared to here (with the exception of Spider-Man). 

There was a book I read, Amaia Arrazola’s Tokyo Travel Sketchbook, that briefly discussed the Japanese conventional idea about family. Post-WWII, Japan promoted the idea that it was going to take women to stay home and take care of the home life while the men went out to be the breadwinners. Japan had to, since it had to take everyone together to rebuild the country. However, after the real estate bubble of the 1980s’ was burst, the idea of family being the center really fell apart as Japanese men lost their status as breadwinners due to jobs being finite and gone.

I also remember reading about the history of Western influence in Japan. There’s been a bunch of debate about whether Japan truly embraced Western ideals. To be fair, a lot of voices that claim Western influence being high in non-Western countries tend to be Westerners themselves. Japanese voices on Western ideals may have been been misunderstood in the first place. Demon Slayer takes place during a time of transition where modernity was growing in Japan, while My Hero Academia uses the Western love of comic book superheroes as its basis for its story.

When I think about Demon Slayer and My Hero Academia’s popularities in different parts of the world, it’s perhaps the Western vs. Eastern view of how striving for new opportunities often means loss of community. In My Hero Academia, we do see the psychological effects of bad family influence due to the relentless pursuit of status in a modern world. I saw this mostly early on with Shoto Todoroki (this is being explored even further with the rest of his family as of this writing) and much later in the series with Tomura Shigaraki’s past being revealed.

I noticed that a lot of things are blamed on bad parenting (especially in Western culture). A lot of psychological help does suggest that the family has a big role in influencing a child’s development. However, are they to blame for everything? Outside factors, like social inequality, do play a role. Endeavor, the father of Shoto and top 2 hero at the time, had to deal with so much perceived inequality (i.e. being compared to All Might) that it drove him to abuse his own family. When Deku told Shoto that that his power was his alone regardless of his upbringing, Shoto saw that he was in a place of equality since he was in a supporting environment among his peers compared to his dad. He’s started to understand how life experiences with other people and circumstances can change someone for better or worse as he reluctantly re-connects with Endeavor (who’s trying to redeem himself). 

With Demon Slayer, there’s the infamous Spider Family arc, where the villain, Rui, created a fake family in order to fill a void in their life as a demon. Rui ends up abusing their “family” to drive their superiority. They killed their parents at a young age while they were still human due to a fear of not being loved by them. The whole point of the arc was that everyone deserves some kind of loving family in their life. It’s hard to get through life by yourself even when you’re an independent spirit. I do feel though that certain relationships with family members/friends should be cut off if they are abusive like the case with Rui’s. There’s even more stories similar to this with the rest of the Twelve Moon demons (especially another family-related one with the arc that will be featured in Season 2 of the anime, which I might discuss later this year).

My Hero Academia is about moving forward with some reflection. Strive to be a hero of your life. Don’t think of the consequences as long as you’re saving innocent lives. Demon Slayer is also about moving forward, but remembering that there are points in your life where you need authentic connection and that bad people are still human beings who just feel disconnected from the world.

It also feels like both series address the issue of what connection-seeking traditions to pass on to newer generations that feel family/friendship seem lacking today. In My Hero Academia, there’s All for One’s desires to have successors to pass on his Quirk to even if they are dangerous. In Demon Slayer, there’s Kagaya Ubuyashiki, leader of the Demon Slayer Corps, who wanted to end his family’s curse and realizing over time that demons who wanted to fight back (like Tanjiro’s sister, Nezuko) against Muzan Kibutsuji should live. As someone who’s a Chinese-American, I've thought about what I could pass on as my culture has millennia of history and it does feel like age-old traditions/rituals are being passed over for materialistic convenience. 

I do think it comes down to whether we pass on values or beliefs. Beliefs are basically “What’s good? What’s bad? This is real to me even if it’s not to anyone else!” There’s way too much emphasis on them. Beliefs tend to be very binary because people are often more than just their beliefs. Values are just abstract rules to everyday life and don’t involve personal beliefs. I feel like not enough emphasis is focused on values. For example, things like compassion and respect are values, not beliefs. I had to embrace what values I had to finally grow as a person because some of the beliefs I held to in my mind were hurting me. 

Demon Slayer leans more toward appreciating values (usually ones that appeal to the Japanese mindset) due to Tanjiro’s personality, although My Hero Academia is a mix of appreciating both beliefs and values. While I do wish that “values > beliefs”, My Hero Academia does have some good insight on how beliefs can shape/warp values for both sides. 

Both series take a look at the tension between family and the self in their own ways. It’s much more so with Demon Slayer due to how much the concept of family was important in the growth of Japan in the past. I think we can agree that while there are cultural differences in handling it, the idea of family is lost on both sides of the world. American and Japanese cultures aren’t very tolerate of “gray zones” (i.e. illegal immigrants who have families, sex workers who have families, etc.) and want life to be more black or white. That’s why many fans who don’t feel accepted for who they are look to other outlets for some kind of family that will accept them.

Healthy families of all kinds lead to stronger communities that in turn lead to a better world for everyone. I sometimes feel that modernity does family no favors. It’s fine to grow, but constant growth without self-reflection becomes harmful. Plus, family always comes back to affect you one way or another. You can’t ever fully get away from family as they’re the starting point to everyone’s life. 

The only thing I can say is accept that your family/community, good and/or bad, is a part of your identity when you have conflicting thoughts and then take it from there. Denying that is just like trying to hide all your problems instead of dealing with them. It never ends well.

Blood is thicker than water and as both Demon Slayer and My Hero Academia show, when it’s shed, it can lead to disastrous consequences - both individually and collectively.