#head in hands i cant do it anymore i hate people in love i hope they trip and fall and die.

[stsapphos]

went to THIRD WHEEL ISLAND and there was a statue of ME

[ajaxwfe]

They were too late to get you back.

Warnings: mention of death, arguments, angst with no happy ending, neglected reader, jealousy.

Diluc x reader, Alhaitham x reader

"Never got the chance to apologize.."

DİLUC

Diluc and you were not the type of people who would fight often, been a relationship with him almost 4 years. Sure, everything is going well.

Well... it was going well. For the past 1 year everything changed for you and him. He barely came home, interact with you, ignoring you most of the time... and kept arguing, fighting over small things.

You never opened your mouth or fight back, you loved diluc so much that it was starting to hurt. Your shared room started to feel cold, no more morning kisses or hugs before diluc went to work, cold breakfasts and dinner all by yourself. Even if he did join the diner he would be quiet all the time, not even looking at you.

You did kept your mouth shut, holding for a hope... a hope for your future with him. Until you heard the conversation with Jean. The last knife that would break you.

"She's so useless, I cant keep up with her annoying presence all the time. All she do is stay at home and distract me from work... she keeps finding noneless things to argue with me. I just want to break the ties with her already, being with her is so tiring."

"Am I... that bad?" Who knew your dear lover was thinking of you like this for the past 1 year. All you wanted was too be like the past relationship you both had. Warm bed, morning kisses, happy breakfast and dates. Covering your mouth trying not to make any sound you left there sobbing quietly.

You did everything, I mean really everything. That all arguing was really nothing for him? You just asked for him to stay by yourside for more. You were slowly draining from inside, you had no one but diluc. Only his presence was keeping you sane but this cold mansion was making you crazy.

You returned back to the mansion, you had enough. Talking with him would go nowhere after all. You wanted his attention, you wanted him to see your worth. Going to the storage room picking up the sword once you held before moving in with your so called lover. Taking a mission from katheryne, you walked to the lawachurls camp.

You were going to show him that you are still worth for something, that you could help him with everything if he asked for it. Even if it meant death. Standing in front of the big creature holding your sword tightly you ran towards to it.

..Oh how wrong you were, thinking you could defeat that monster. Laying on a pool of blood coming from your head. Suddenly feeling peacefull for the first time after 1 year of suffering from neglect. Looking at the shining stars above you. Your head ringing from aches, sword a meter away. Faint screaming noises from back. You couldn't bother to look that way.

"Please..." a faint voice big hands caressing your cheek, weird it wasnt raining but you could feel wetness on your cheeks. Turning your eyes to the voice. Hands wiping away your blood.

"Diluc.." your throat dry, coughing the blood. Your beloved, your future. How could you hate him when he was the only one left in your life? İs this really how you were going to die? As a pathetic advanturer? Few tears sliding from your face as your blurry vision tried to capture every beauty on his face.

"Jean is coming here so... please... please dont leave me now..I wont neglect you anymore...I will beg on my knees once you recover... so dont leave me here all alone.." Ah... was he also holding a hope on his hands too? A future would be great with him. Your eyelids feeling heavy, heart beating slowly as the seconds passing, his voice becoming more and more faint.

"Sleep...Can I sleep in your arms?" Your head falling to his chest, inhaling the scent for the last time you missed for so long. Diluc holding your cold body close to him, screaming and crying cursing to the celestia as you drift away from him.

Alhaitham

Alhaitham was no bad guy, I mean if it is you, he actually is willing to do anything for you. He is sure workaholic, but you guys were making sure spending time.

You met him in akademiya when you guys were like 18-19. İt wasnt a love in first sight infact you hated him because he was a cocky man. He barely cared for any situtations, always one step ahead of you, teasing you even if other cant really understand his way of teasing. But overall because of kaveh you guys did get along sometimes.

Suprisingly he was the one who confessed with a valentines card, it was cute since he was shy about it and now its been 7 years.

Alhaitham is good at fighting so sometimes he takes dangerous missions other than being scribe and that worries you a little. You were just a researcher in akademiya so you cant always be with him. First time meeting with The Traveler your mind was at ease since they were with Alhaitham and helped him with secret missions in desert.

From 7 years to this day he is also not the type of person who really shows affection towards to someone but you, it made you feel speacial. But after all that archon saving missions he invites traveler to dinner, hanging out with her more and more. You told yourself that you were not jealous and its normal to hang out with people they like.

This became so often that you were feeling so neglected, you couldnt even talked about this with alhaitham since you felt like he wouldnt care about it.

You were in your room with kaveh, he was trying to finish his desings as you were staring at the ceiling. "Saw alhaitham with a woman today while coming here." Kaveh broke the silence. "Do you know her?" He turned to you.

"You mean the traveler?" You asked tilting your head. "Uhm no? Traveler left to fontaine almost 1 week ago..." he was cold sweating, your eyes widened from shock. Then who he was meeting up with for 1 week?

"Kaveh... tell me your joking?" You laughed. İt was probably one of the jokes he was making right? But he remained silent looking down. No you wouldnt believe it until you see it with your own eyes. "Y/N wait-"

You stormed off to the Sumeru City streets heart beating like crazy. You stopped 20 meter away from alhaitham, hiding in the corner. You saw him... his betrayal as he caressed another womans cheek. She was beautiful, long silky hair and shining eyes, thin and elegance body. Your eyes watering slowly as you watched him lean for a kiss.

You ran from there. As fast as you can, till your lungs gave up. Entering your shared home to pack things up, you looked at youself on the mirror. Hair that looked horrible, sleepy eyes, body that looked like a frog in your eyes. But her... she was beautiful unlike you. You cried for the first time after years, wiping your tears as you packed your things. Leaving your room with no trace of you.

Kaveh on the other hand, explaining alhaitham that you saw everything. Panic rising in him he ran to the shared house. Walking inside slowly, trying to hear if there were any noise. "Y/N? I.. I came home?" He shouted. Feeling weird like the house got colder and quiet. His heart still beating like crazy he rushed to your room only to be faced with a tidy bed, empty warddrobe and empty studying desk.

This was a cruel joke on him right? You were joking, pranking him to make him regret for not telling you sooner it was for a mission right? His hand covering his face as he falls on his knees calling out your name a few times before breaking down.

Looking around trying to find anything that belonged to you, walking inside the house he spotted a letter.

My beloved lover,

I had to leave our home because my heart was hurting too much. Sometimes, I saw things that made me scared—little moments that maybe meant nothing but felt big and heavy to me. I've always struggled with feeling good enough, and these fears made me feel even smaller.

Leaving wasn’t about anger; it was about being so overwhelmed by sadness that staying felt impossible. I never wanted to run away, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe I wasn’t what you needed.

I'm really sorry for any pain my leaving has caused. I hope one day we can understand each other better, but for now, I need some space to work through these feelings.

Take care,

[Your Name]

That was it, you left without giving a hint where you went. Guilt eating alhaitham up. For him you were perfect, you were everything he needed. Even your silence made him happy and peacefull. He was never good at showing his emotions and expressions but when you were with him he felt like he didnt need to force himself. You understood everything about him.

He lay down on your bed, a faint scent inhaling as he slightly squezzing the letter in his hand. Murmuring your name, begging to the teyvat to bring you back to him.

[ellecdc]

L…. idk if youre up for mega angst…. but how did cbbh sirius take the news of vix’s disappearance + death as it happened 🥲 like i cant imagine how deathly nervous he’d be at headquarters, hearing about the attack and anxiously waiting for his bestfriend and partner, holding out hope that they’d walk through the door with battle scars but alive …. Then a few hours later only James returns 🥲🥲🥲 pain

I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this *sniffles and throws this at you all* I hope it was worth it, because I'm calling the police (thank you for your support and your request, I love you)

CW: hurt/NO comfort, (believed) death of a loved one, grief, physical injuries, vomiting

I'll Find You

Lily had a bad feeling about this.

Granted, that was nothing new about this war, but something felt intrinsically wrong right now.

Lily and Sirius had gotten a message from Dumbledore stating Benjy and Emmeline had portkeyed back to headquarters to report on their findings, while Jamie and Y/N stayed behind to finish up the stakeout. 

Sirius met Lily at her and James’ flat where they decided to head to headquarters to await your arrivals.

The only way to access the headquarters was through portkey – for security purposes – meaning that upon arrival, Lily spent about twenty minutes having to soothe an upset baby Harry.

“Portkey is no way for babies to travel, huh Haz?” Sirius cooed at his godson. 

Lily wanted to smile at the view, but she couldn’t shake this heavy feeling in her stomach.

“Something’s wrong, Pads.” She murmured.

Sirius grimaced. “I don’t feel great about this either. I mean, two days of silence at a supposed Death Eater meet-up? What’s that about?”

They followed the sound of gentle conversation when they found Dumbledore and Minerva conversing with Benjy and Emmeline.

“We saw nothing yesterday. I think we need to consider where this intel is coming from because they were either way off or are planning something sinister.” Benjy could be heard saying, causing Sirius to suck in a sharp breath.

“Thank you, Mr. Fenwick. I’ll let you know when we have word.” Dumbledore said as he dismissed the two Order members.

“Mr. Black, Mrs. Potter. And baby Harry...” McGonagall was all business until she spotted the small infant in Lily’s arms. “May I?” She asked.

Lily handed over the child who went with little-to-no fuss.

“What happens if this tip was a bust?” Sirius asked Dumbledore.

Dumbledore took in a breath and looked between his two former students.

“If the tip ends up being wrong, or worse – fabricated – we may need to consider moving the Potter’s into hiding.”

Lily groaned. “There’s a chance the Death Eaters don’t even know about the prophecy.”

“Yes, but desperate people go to great lengths when they feel threatened. We do not want them to find out and, in turn, find you.” Dumbledore argued.

Lily understood; really, she did. But her maternity leave already had her feeling like she was in hiding, and she was sick and tired of feeling so useless. 

“There are Voldemort sympathisers in the Ministry, Red. We have no idea what they could know.” Sirius pointed out.

Sirius and Dumbledore spent the next while discussing different aspects of the war, next steps, new leads, past battles, and Sirius’ job at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement before Lily couldn’t take it anymore.

“What time were they supposed to report back?” She spat.

Dumbledore’s eyes moved to consider the redhead. “We agreed no later than 21:30. 

Lily looked down at her watch. “Well, it’s 21:45.”

The three sat in silence as they let that fact wash over them.

“They left at 07:45 this morning,” Sirius supplied.

“They met with Em and Benjy before apparating to the location together and scouting the area.” Lily added.

“Okay so fourteen hours in the field? That’s too much.” 

“It’s not too much if there hasn’t been any activity.” Dumbledore argued.

Sirius stood up suddenly. “We need to go. Where’s this location?”

“Son, that is not how things work. We cannot risk giving away our intel or sending more people into the front lines of a battle.”

“That’s my partner out there, and my best friend – I cannot stand here and do nothing.” Sirius spat furiously.

“You can, and you will, Mr. Black.” He challenged.

“We’ll give them 45 minutes. If we haven’t received a patronus from them in that time, we’ll reconvene.” McGonagall placated.

Sirius spent the next 37 minutes pacing a hole in the concrete floor beneath him whilst Lily chewed a hole into her lip.

The ringing sound of a portkey suddenly echoed through the room before a figure fell unceremoniously into the wall and slid to the ground. Lily could tell by the size and the sobbing that it was James.

“What happened?!” Sirius barked as all four adults stood and made their way to James.

“Trap. Trapped, it...” James huffed between sobs and coughs before he leaned over and threw up on the floor.

“What’s trapped?” Dumbledore inquired as Harry started to fuss in McGonagall’s arms.

“Minerva, can you take Harry away please?” Lily pleaded. The matriarch offered a quick nod and left the room with the infant. 

“Death Eaters - it was a trap - she knew.” James got out through gasps.

He was covered in ash and dirt with various wounds bleeding along his person.

“Who knew?” Lily asked.

“Vix! She knew!” He screamed in agony.

“Where is she?” Sirius asked quietly.

James continued trying to breathe through his hyperventilating.

“WHERE IS SHE?!” 

“She’s gone, Pads, she...” James paused as he threw up again. Lily couldn’t tell if he was sick from his grief or his wounds. Perhaps both.

“No, no. She’s not gone. She was just with you. You left with her this morning.” Sirius argued calmly. “Where is she?”

James shook his head as his face crumpled in agony and tears spilled from his eyes.

“She saved me, she...she made sure I got out. I’m sorry, Sirius.”

“I don’t need you to be SORRY, I need you to TELL ME WHERE SHE IS.” Sirius bellowed.

“Sirius...” Lily whispered.

“Fuck OFF. Where IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE?”

“Sirius, son, I need you to calm down.” Dumbledore spoke quietly.

“I need to find her. I’ll find her. Tell me where she is. Where is she?”

“She’s GONE. She’s GONE, I FUCKING KILLED HER IT’S ALL MY FAULT.” James sobbed.

“She can’t fucking be gone! She can’t! I just kissed her goodbye this morning, I just saw her! SHE WAS JUST WITH YOU.”

“There were anti-apparition wards up when she started to be concerned about – about it being a trap since we hadn’t seen anything all day. There was fiendfyre. They were burning the fucking building down. Then I was hit and I...I don’t know. She got us out, and then...and-and then a bombarda and she...”

“No.” Sirius said plainly.

“Pads.”

“No.”

“She told me, she told me to go. She said-”

“No.”

“She told me to thank you for her, that she didn’t regret a thing.”

“No.”

“That she was so grateful for you, and that loving you was worth every minute of it. She’d do it again.”

“Stop.” Sirius begged miserably. 

“She said she loved you.”

“SHE DIDN’T LOVE ME. SHE LOVES ME.” Sirius screamed.

“She loves me NOW! Not loved me past! I have to find her. I have to find her. Red,” He turned his sights to Lily.

“Please, please. I have to find her. Please, I have to. I’ll find her. Please.”

Lily’s tears were streaming down her face. “I’m sorry, Sirius.”

“Don’t be sorry! Don’t, I-” He looked desperately to everyone in the room.

“I don’t want anyone to be sorry! I just want her! I need her, please...” he sobbed.

“I’m sorry.” James repeated.

“STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT!”

“Sirius.” Lily murmured.

“I have been on countless missions with your wife, and I have always brought her home, back to you!” Sirius spat furiously at James. “I’ve never let anything happen to your wife. I TRUSTED YOU! Y/N... she-she trusted you!”

James sobbed again as his face contorted in agony.

“Sirius, that’s not fair.” Lily pleaded.

“Fuck off! What’s not fair is you get to go home with your husband tonight and Y/N is gone.” Sirius bellowed as his face fell in realization. “She’s gone.” He whispered. 

The room fell painfully silent as Sirius stared into space, murmuring to himself.

“She loved me...not loves me...I said goodbye...a kiss, she had breakfast, what did she eat? What did she have for breakfast this morning.  Oh gods, I can’t remember.”

“Sirius.” Lily asked gently as she went to touch his shoulder. He flinched away from her.

“I think she had cereal; it was cereal. She had cereal for breakfast. I think her bowl is still in the sink. Oh gods, her things. All of her things. She can’t be gone? She can’t be gone...I have all of her things. She needs her things...she’s-” He was cut off by a shuddering breath.

“My girl.” He whispered in agony. 

The other three members let Sirius gather his thoughts before his eyes flew to Lily.

“Lily...she...”

“I know, Pads.”

“I can’t do this without her.”

“I know, Pads.”

The heavy weight of the loss began to settle amongst the friends before Dumbledore spoke solemnly. 

“I think it’s time the Potter’s go into hiding.”

[rottnteen]

yay! can you please write a mgg or spencer reid (nsfw) drabble based kind of that moodboard you made <3 it can be anything like punishing reader or teasing and reader just saying they can’t take it anymore :0? reader just being a needy mess not rlly able to speak. would honestly prefer spence/ mgg just being a soft dom but still stern on the rules? eeek i’m kinda nervous about submitting this but.. it’s rotting in my brain! 🎀

OFC! I LOVE REQUESTS! :D I also don’t write for real life people, only fictional characters (just so you know for the future <3) Don’t be nervous to send requests pls pls pls. I ENCOURAGE requests. pls send more :( This was meant to be a drabble but goodness gracious. I got carried away.

tw: MDNI, girly reader, afab!reader, needy clingy reader, soft!dom!spencer, teasing, punishment, smut, unprotected pnv, hand kink (obvi), degradation, praise, dom and sub relationship, girlfriend and boyfriend, kissing (oooo), pain, spanking, bondage (kinda), mention of a safe word, underlying tones of possessive!spencer, decryphilia

You hadn’t listened to his rules. He said you were being a “brat”, a word you hated. You had been sitting in his lap as he worked on some documents. That’s it!

At first, it was innocent.

But you saw the way his hands glided over the paper as he read, the veins popping ever so slightly. You hoped that the way your thighs clenched were going unnoticed by him when he flexed his fingers around his ballpoint pen as he wrote.

You held a stuffed animal he had given you, a bunny you’ve named Bun, in your own lap. Trying to distract yourself. Eventually, you started squirming. Your distraction not working.

Spencer was a patient man. He loved you and cared for you. But he also liked to stick to the rules. And distracting him from his work is one of those rules. He had quickly stilled your hips with one hand, the other trying to write. “Don’t.” His voice was soft but affirming. Not helping your arousal but deepening it. You’d let out a small whine at his words and he quickly tsked. “Listen.” He had said in that same voice.

That’s how you got here. On the bed naked (except for your thigh high socks) and spread open whilst he was fully clothed, sporting a large hard on. Your hands are tied to the bed post with his work ties. His fingers teased lightly on your inner thighs and you whine again, he slaps your thigh in disapproval. “S-spence…”

He shakes his head no, getting up and grabbing your bunny from the floor. “You think she is happy with the way your acting?” He asks, propping it up on the dresser. You let out a choked sob, moving your arms but to no avail. You cant get out of your position. “You know our safe word.” He tuts, “Now Bun is going to have to watch the way you get punished. I was hoping you’d be a good girl. Stay seated and wait till I was done.” He shakes his head. He comes back to you, his fingers teasing the lips of your cunt. Just as you think he’s going to open you up, he doesn’t.

He slaps your pussy, causing your back to arch and you to moan out in pain and pleasure. “Slut” He mutters and does it again, getting the same reaction out of you. Small pleas that are incoherent leave your mouth. Spencer’s fingers brush in between your thighs and he smiles. Grinning like the devil. He kisses your thighs and then trails them up your stomach up to the valley in between your breasts.

He chuckles and starts to leave love bites on your collarbone, neck and chest. “Mine” He whispers in your ear before kissing your earlobe and working his way over to your other to do the same thing. He crawls down from the top of your body back down to your lower half.

“I cant.” You whisper.

His grin grows, “Cant what?”

“I need more.” Your lip trembles as his breath ghosts over your heat. “I need you to fuck me.” Tears start at the corner of your eyes as he sucks little hickeys onto your hip bones.

“You gotta apologize. You broke my rules like a bad bad girl, bunny” He scolds

You sniffle, “M’sorry for breaking the rules like a bad girl,” You hiccup, “I’ll be a good girl. I pr-promise!”

He smiles at your crying; the tears falling down your pretty face. You bat your wet eyelashes and your cheeks turn rosy from the act. He comes up to your face and kisses your tears, bringing a finger to part your lips and you let out a moan at the small stimulation.

The sound is embarrassing. It’s wet. And sticky. And loud. Spencer loves it. He brings the finger to his lips and moans, a meek squeak coming from yours. He then undoes his belt. The sound causing your thighs to clench together. He takes his clothes off, stroking his cock as he comes to the edge of the bed and parts your legs. He puts your calves on his shoulders and lines himself up with your hole.

He slides in with no resistance, your tight cunt sucking him up immediately. His hand comes down to your thigh as the other holds one of your legs on his shoulders, “Was made for me.” He mumbles to himself. He looks down at you in bliss. Your mouth is open and your eyes are rolled back, your panting and you hold the ties with all your might. “Are you just a dumb bunny when a cock is in her?” He teases lightly, now thrusting in and out you while kissing your ankle to show love and affection. “Fuck”

You babble as he thrusts in you. Small uh’s or little moans of his name. He also hears you say he has the best dick, and that he can take whatever he needs. Soon your clenching hard and he brings one finger down to mess with your clit. “Cum.” He orders you.

Just like that, to his will, your body lets go. Arching for him and giving yourself to him as he cums into your body, a warm flood you welcome.

[italiansteebie]

As someone who is disabled, I am obsessed with the idea of Steve Harrington in a wheelchair or using mobility aids. Maybe hurt/comfort with Steve feeling stuck? like out in public people will treat him like a baby and dote on him like he cant do anything at all. Also established steddie?? ->

ignore me if u dont like this prompt hshs

excuse you, this was an amazing prompt and I love it.

and I am a sucker for projecting onto Steve, so lets go.

---

Steve was always in pain nowadays.

In fact, it only got worse after the bats, and he figures the exertion after the fact didn't help. Before, he could always push through, hobble along and ice his aching joints when he got home.

Though, he couldn't ignore it after his legs would only stay strong for about ask hour before they collapsed under him. He remembers the first day it happened. He'd been at the grocery store, picking up dinner for his date with Eddie. (It was fairly new, but it was strong). He'd felt a bit weak before leaving, but as always he pushed through, ignoring the dizziness and pain.

It had only gotten worse as he walked through the grocery store, and all of a sudden, he was on the ground, and the grocery store patrons were staring at him, whispering things about the Harrington name and image. The store manager ended up having to call Eddie to come help him.

"Oh, Stevie..." He sighed. He'd been bugging Steve about seeing a doctor for months in fact ever since he was healed himself, he'd been pestering Steve to go to Owens and explain to him what was going on. But he hadn't, and now here they were, Eddie helping Steve into a wheelchair in front of a crowd of Hawkins shoppers.

Steve had been covering his face, and Eddie could almost feel the shame he was experiencing. He wanted to tell their audience off, to go away, to mind their business. But he knew that would only make it worse. So he stayed quiet, and so did Steve.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

So they didn't.

And they didn't after Steve saw Owens.

And they didn't after Steve was fitted for a wheelchair.

They just... Didn't.

Until Steve had fallen again.

At Mike's house, with just the kids, who weren't strong enough to help him back into his chair, with no help from his wobbling legs. So they called Eddie, and hid in the basement after Steve had yelled at them to go away, hot tears of embarrassment rolling down his face.

--

They were home now, and again, Steve was quiet. Eddie helped him get situated on the couch, legs still too wobbly to do it unassisted.

"Steve... Lets talk about it,"

Steves head snapped up, eyes shining, "You wanna talk about it? Fine! I'm fucking useless, my legs don't work and I can't fucking do anything by myself anymore! The kids barely look at me, Robs hasn't been able to hang out in weeks, and the rest of Hawkins thinks I'm a fucking charity case! Every time I leave the house it's like I'm a fucking zoo animal. I wish this had never fucking happened! I wish I wasn't-"

"Don't say that, Steve."

"It's true isn't it? Don't you hate having to come help me? God... I just- I'm so..." The sobs crawl their way out of his throat, and he can't stop them once they start.

"Steve..." Eddie rubs a comforting hand up and down Steve's back, pulling him closer to cradle him in his arms. Steve tucked his head into Eddie's neck, letting the tears roll freely down his face. "Steve, you have every right to feel that way but... I hope you know it's not true. The kids... It's just a different dynamic and I'm not supposed to tell you this but Robin has been working on a design of the back of your wheelchair, she wanted it to be a surprise and she was worried she spoil it." He hears Steve sniffle a sort of laugh. "And baby, you cared for me every single day for months while I was healing, what makes you think I hate helping you? I'm so glad I can finally make it up to you."

Steve lifts his head, looking Eddie in the eyes, "Really?"

"Really, Stevie."

He watches Steve smile, for what seemed like the first time since coming home from that doctors appointment. "Also, with all the extra arm work, your biceps look," He pauses to do a chefs kiss, "Fantastico! That's how you guys say it in Italy, right?" He smirks, and Steve bursts into a fit of giggles, tears drying on his cheeks as he shakes his head. "I love you, Eds."

They lean in for a soft kiss, it's slow and sweet, "I love you too, Steve."

[crucifiedfaerie]

Gibson Girl | Pt. 3 ༉₊˚✧

Kylo Ren x Fem!Reader

➴ Summary: After you reach your breaking point, Kylo does something you never expected to see from him.

➴ Part One | Part Two

➴ Word Count: 2.4k

➴ Warnings: 18+ MDNI, fem!reader, dom!kylo, slowburn, soft!kylo, we are so back!!, crylo ren, an insurmountable amount of angst (swearing, yelling, crying, kylo's internal suffering, brief mention of death but nothing happens), lots of fluff, SMUT (unprotected PiV sex, oral f!receiving, overstimulation, devoted!gentle!kylo, watch as i describe cunnilingus in excruciating detail for 5 paragraphs) typos probably

➴ Taglist: ( @enviedear @capitanostella @teapartydreams )

A/N: guys, gibson girl is officially complete. im actually so proud of how the entire fic turned out and i just wanna say thank you for the love you've given it. <3 it genuinely made me wanna keep writing and i hope you stick around for my future works, because i have so many good ideas in store. anyways, enjoy the third and final part of gibson girl. this is by far my favorite chapter of this trilogy, i was giggling, kicking my feet, and possibly crying while writing this... dare i say that this chapter is my magnum opus.

You approached his door, ears ringing from your rapid heart rate and the electric hum of the hallway lights. You wiped the sweat from your palms on your pants and let out a deep breath.

Before you could even think about knocking, the door shot open and you were forcefully pulled inside by two large, leather clad hands.

Kylo gripped your waist hard, and kicked the door shut with his boot. You yelped as he pushed you against it, hitting the back of your head on the durasteel.

He leant down, the cold metal of his mask grazed the fading bruise on your jaw, sending goosebumps crawling across your skin. "Gods, I've waited two weeks to feel you again. Im so glad to be back." Kylo purred, his modulator crackling in your ear. He reached up to begin unbuttoning your shirt. He only made it past the first button before the anger rose inside you.

You brought your hands up to his chest, pushing him off of you. "What the FUCK Kylo!" You yelled at him, feeling the tears prick your eyes. Surprisingly, he didn't stop you, taking a step away from you and tilting his head ever so slightly as if he were confused, which only made you angrier.

You were past your breaking point. "What is wrong with you?! You invite me here, whisper sweet nothings in my ear, then all of a sudden you hate fuck me and kick me out like I'm the problem?!" You sobbed and were practically screaming at him, you didn't care if he got mad, you needed to say this. "And now you invite me back acting like it never happened, wanting to- to what? Hate fuck me again?? You make NO sense, Kylo! It's like you're two different people!" You paused, breathing heavily and collecting yourself a bit before continuing. "And you wanna know the fuck of it all? You haven't even kissed me- gods!- You cant even face me. You hide behind that mask and hurt me like I'm some pet you love to hate." You spoke calmly now, the anger subsiding into a strange mix of sadness and apathy.

The apathy, however, was short lived. You had never snapped at Kylo like this before and he was the most feared man in the galaxy after all. The images of the many ways he could kill you flashed before your eyes. A lightsaber through the abdomen. Force choking the life out of you until your neck snapped. Slamming you into a wall until every bone in your body was shattered. You shut your eyes tightly and braced for impact, but it never came.

Each word you yelled at him had chipped a piece off his emotionless façade, and Kylo thought his heart might shatter along with it. The killing blow was how you stood before him terrified, shaking, waiting for him to lash out and strike you out of rage. He wasn't weak for loving you, he was weak for hurting you and he knew he couldn't do that to you anymore, not now... not ever. He felt something- someone inside of himself he hadn't felt in years, a man he thought he had killed, a man who he had almost forgotten the name of.

You only opened your eyes when you heard the click and hiss of his helmet. When he pulled it off you were met with his concerned, brown eyes. You stared at him in shock and awe, taking in every detail of him. The way his long, dark hair fell around his face, his perfect aquiline nose, the beauty marks that scattered like stars across his already beautiful face, the scar that began just above his brow, trailing down his face and disappearing below the neckline of his dark uniform.

Kylo dropped his helmet to the floor carelessly, the metallic clang loud enough for someone down the hall to hear. He pulled his gloves off quickly before throwing them to the ground and rushing over to you, taking your face into his hands and crashing his lips into yours.

His kiss was electric and full of desperation. As if he were a man lost in the deserts of Tattooine and you were Oasis East, Kylo drank you up feverishly. He was warm and tasted divine, like cinnamon and smoke.

When he pulled away, you both breathed heavily, lungs searching for air. "I don't hate you. Please don't say that." Kylo's voice broke, he was almost pleading with you, his eyes searching your face as if he were trying to get you to understand how he felt about you without him having to admit it out loud.

"Kylo... I-"

Suddenly your feet were off the floor, being carried over his shoulder to his bedroom once again, just like the first night he invited you here. Only this time you didn't feel like a bug caught in a spiders web. You felt safe. Needed.

As Kylo carried you, you kicked your shoes off carelessly, letting them fall to the floor of the hallway and you heard him breathe out a small laugh.

He sat you down on the bed and you noticed how he now handled you ever so gently, as if you were a precious, fragile thing he didn't dare risk breaking.

Kylo knelt in front of you and unbuttoned your shirt, taking extra care with each button before he slid it off of you. He gently looped his fingers into the waistband of your pants and underwear, pulling them both off in one go, leaving you completely naked.

He peppered kisses down your thigh before standing up, taking a step back to admire you, his dark eyes filled with adoration. With him being maskless, you became hyper aware of your nakedness. Your face flushed pink and you looked at the floor.

What he did next though, was something you weren't expecting. You watched in awe as Kylo kicked off his boots before shedding his cloak, his outer robes, his inner robes, his belt, then began methodically working at his shirt.

Oh my gods- why do you wear so many layers?

He shut his eyes and his mouth tightened into a thin line, as if he were stifling a laugh from hearing your thought. Kylo sighed, "Hush, its very cold on Starkiller, you know." He laughed softly as he pulled his shirt off, exposing the scars that littered his perfect frame.

He unbuttoned his trousers and pulled them off before making quick work of his underwear. There Kylo was, standing before you completely naked, looking down at you with soft eyes. Not a creature in a mask, stalking you like prey, but a man carrying nothing but adoration and desire.

He stepped forward before leaning down and kissing you again, pushing you flat onto his bed. His hands explored every inch of your body, bare skin touching yours and for the first time you felt like equals. Two living, breathing human beings who needed one another desperately.

Kylo's hands had found home tangled in your hair and the sound of him moaning into your mouth was heavenly. He pulled away, hovering above you, his hair falling around his face like a dark curtain. "Please. Please let me show you how much you mean to me, little star." He was practically begging, his eyes searching yours. This was a version of Kylo you didn't know existed. It was as if he had been completely stripped of his coldness and apathy, left only with warmth and compassion.

You nodded, and he trailed his kisses down your neck and bare chest, his soft lips grazing your nipple, causing you to let out a soft whine. He smiled and continued down your stomach and hip, to your thighs. Each kiss sent warm tingles down your spine.

Kylo lifted your legs over his shoulders and kissed down your thigh, stopping at your heat. His cool breath made you shiver. Before you could form even a single thought, his face was buried between your legs.

The way he lapped you up like spring water and how his tongue grazed over your clit made you crumble into a whining mess. Your fingers weaved through his dark locks and you pulled instinctually, causing him to moan against your cunt.

He was knelt before you like a sinner at the altar, worshipping his god and silently begging for forgiveness through your pleasure.

"Mhm Fuck- Kylo I- Stop you're gonna make m-me cum." You whined. He knew you couldn't hold on for much longer, and he didn't care, your sweet moans only inspired him to go faster. He hummed something unintelligible, a wordless approval for you to let go.

Your thighs trembled around his face as your body unraveled on his mouth. The pleasure he gave you was divine, euphoric, and your vision clouded as he rode you through your high.

He pulled away from you panting, his mouth and nose damp from your juices. You felt the bed dip as he situated himself above you, his hips between your legs. He kissed you deeply and you could taste yourself on his tongue, tangy and sweet like summer fruit.

He pulled away "Gods- I've waited what feels like forever to do that." He whispered.

You held his face in your hands and kissed him again. "Please Kylo I need you." You wrapped your legs around his waist.

He lined himself up with your entrance and pushed in slowly as he held you. He paused when he bottomed out, allowing you a moment to adjust to the size of his cock. You moaned loudly, still sensitive from the wonders he performed on you with his mouth.

Kylo began to move, slowly increasing the pace of his thrusts but still taking extra care not to be too rough. He looked down at you, his pupils blown with lust and love. He studied your face and how your eyebrows furrowed in pleasure. Kylo wanted to savor every detail of this moment, no dark visors obscuring his vision of you.

"I wish you could see how beautiful you look right now my star." He purred as he hit that sensitive spot deep inside you.

You moaned at the overstimulation. Kylo tilted his head down to kiss at your neck and your brain felt like static as you struggled to find words. "I- I was gonna say- hmm fuck- say the s-same about y-y..." You trailed off, lost in the pleasure.

Kylo chuckled against your neck, amused at your futile attempt to articulate a coherent sentence. "You're getting close again, sweet thing, I can feel it. S-so am I." He moaned, faltering at the end of his sentence.

You could only give a small hum and nod of agreement, words were too much for you, the contents of your mind had been completely emptied and replaced with thoughts of only him. Your desperate whines rang through his bedroom.

"Hm, fuck- cum with me. Cum with me my little star. Shit!" He was desperate now too, his thrusts sloppy as he held you in his arms.

You both reached your climaxes at the same time. Your visions clouded with white-hot stars, as if fireworks were going off in your brains. Kylo desperately muttered a long string of profanities as he came inside of you. He collapsed on top of you, panting heavily before rolling over so you were laid out on top of him.

You felt his cum leak out of you and onto his thigh as you rested your head on his bare chest. He reached for a random article of clothing that had been discarded on the bed and used it to clean you up before throwing it to the floor. He didn't care what it was, he would deal with it in the morning.

He sat up slowly, pulling you both back towards the pillows, and situating you so he could hold you and look you in the eyes.

He noticed you shiver and pulled the duvet over the both of you before speaking. "I'm sorry I made you feel like you didn't mean anything to me- for hurting you. I did it out of not wanting to seem weak, and yet I did the weakest possible thing I could have ever done." His eyes were filled with remorse and concern, his voice laced with shame. "The truth is I do care about you. The day I realized it was the day I hurt you and sent you away... and if could go back and change how I treated you I would." His voice broke.

"Kylo-" You began to speak but he quickly cut you off.

"If you hate me, please don't tell me." He begged. "I understand why you would, but I don't think I could bear hearing you say it out loud." He now spoke in a low whisper, as if he were terrified of his own vulnerability.

"Kylo I dont hate you, I promise. I just didn't understand you, but now I do and I lo-" You cut yourself off this time, thinking maybe you shouldn't say that to him. You couldn't handle rejection from him for a second time.

"I love you."

You heard his voice say it plain as day, you know he said it. You couldn't have imagined it. You didn't see his lips move, yet Kylo's voice rang loud and clear through your head. Your eyes darted to his and you saw him scanning your face nervously for a reaction.

Your eyes widened. "I love you too."

Is that what my thoughts sound like to him?

Kylo smirked, attempting to hide the large grin threatening to creep across his face. "Yes, I told you they're loud."

You laugh, causing him to laugh with you.

It was such a tender moment. Two human souls laughing together under the warmth of the covers, intertwined with each other, and floating in the vast, inky expanse of the galaxy.

[sstvrnioloo]

stone cold - c.s pt.2 of "i'll beat her bitch ass."

pt1

ೃ༄

femvolleyballplayer!y/n x comforting!chris

warnings: cursing, crying, intentional lowercase, no grammar used (intentional), detailed brutal fighting, mentions of death, ig triggering topic, use of y/n (sorry?) ig angst???

summary: somerville won the semi-finals and amelia's team goes home. amelia should wish that she hadn't said that because y/n doesnt play when it comes to someone talking about her boyfriend. shits about to go down.

this is set in some random ass au that i can’t really explain😭

p.s sorry to people named amelia, no hate to y’all !💗

also be kind to others please !!

don’t like don’t read !!

find some other shit to do.

not proofread (a bitch don’t got no time for that shit)

this is my creative work and i do not approve of plagiarism in any way. i also do not approve of reposting my work onto other apps or anything of the idea. SSTVRNIOLOO 2024.

a/n: HEYY , so this is your surprise fic series ive been working onnnn ~ also my laptop stopped working so i don’t have the option of typing anymore, so it’ll be on my phone or ipad. (mostly ipad though) 💔

wc: 2k

enjoy !!

ೃ༄

im going to beat this motherfucker up.

how dare she slap me, tell chris is only dating me because im just a "good fuck", and saying didnt love me.

im going to beat her so bad that her nose is so fucking crooked. so bad that she cant speak. that shes hospitalized just as long that i was when she injured me.

after she slapped me i pounced on her. yanking at her hair & jaw to get her to look at me.

"whos laughing now, bitch?"

laughing, i bitch slap her right back and punch her in the nose. nobody even dares to fucking touch me. no one.

i jump on her pounding her head onto the glossy gym floors. throwing many punches at her nose and face, practically drilling my knuckles into her faceーwith. no. absolute. mercy.

i didnt care how bad her injuries were gonna be. i could actually care less.

my white jerseyーwell, previouslyーwas now splattered with her blood.

"yeah get her ass !!"

meghan yelled from the bench. i love meg.

nobody was really going to stop me. i probably looked like a monster.

"please stop!! im sorry !"

amelia yelped and screamed. i heard herーloud and clearーbut didn't give no fucks.

throwing punches directly at her nose, hoping to complete my goal of making her; already hideous nose; crooked as hell.

her face drowned of ruby red coloured blood. her mouth draining of blood and face bruised and cut.

i could practically kill her. but do i want murder charges though? no.

i looked at her twisted nose in proudness & enjoyment. he nose was perfectly crooked how i wanted it to be.

all this timeーwith out realizing itーi'd also been fighting off the refs and amelia's teamates. i was also tuning out the repeatedly blown whistle.

well too late. the damage was done. she was definitely fucked up.

its called payback, bitch.

ೃ༄

she surprisingly got up, stumbling around before she threw a hand at me. she punched my nose and scratched my cheek.

i felt the burning sensation on my cheek and my blood sprinting down my cheek.

“you motherfucker!”

she furiously yelled at me, with tears running down her face, mixing in with the blood.

my eyes shot down to the gym floor. it was one big puddle of blood. i grinned crazilyーlike a fucking serial killer.

we were both standing in fighting positions, ready to quite literally kill each other.

i caught chris’ big blue orbs staring at me. he was also grinning. he knew the rivalry that me and amelia have; that’s why he never stopped me.

the crowd was chanting my name. they all backed me up on this rivalry comepletely.

our faces were both decorated with blood. but mine didn’t have tears streaming down them.

i knew i was going to penalized for the tournament. i most definitely was; without question.

this beef wasn’t with any of our other teammates, it was only between me and her. though everybody knew what amelia did to me last season.

the referees and her teammates finally pulled us away from each other. both screaming profanities at eachother.

but suddenly whilst she was walking back to her bench. she fell. its all because i knocked her outー

stone cold.

ೃ༄

as my coach walked me to the locker room, i heard cheering, applause and more loud chanting of my name. they all knew the beef between amelia and i.

i got to the locker room with my coach and sat down.

“you’re expecting me to yell at you or something, hm?”

my coach monique said.

“yep.”

“well i’m not. i’m so proud of you for beating that bitch up.”

coach monique laughed.

“thank you! i thought everybody thought i was a monster for doing that”

“you’re a monster on the court. but thatーthat was just handing pure business.”

“thank you coach”

coach monique walked back out the the court to settle my team and talk to the refs.

suddenly, chris walked in to the locker room.

“oh hey chris”

“hey baby”

he went in to hug me but i gestured no.

“unless you want blood on your shirt, i don’t think you should.”

“i don’t really care”

he hugged me tightly and i hugged right back.

“so how’d the fight even start y/n?” chris questioned

“well first she slapped me because i was supposedly “cheating” then told me that you were only dating me because i was a “good fuck” and you didn’t love me”

i explained calmly.

“that little bitch.” chris said low-toned.

“and that’s exactly why her nose is crooked as fuck”

i grinned, remembering how her nose looked.

“i’m gonna go back to the stands and get to car.” chris said.

“okay see you in a bit baby”

he gave me a swift kiss on the lips and walked out the locker room.

i grabbed a wet towel and dabbed at my cuts and bruisesーa burning sensation each time i dabbed at them.

changing back into my clothes and taking my sports bag. i head to the car and greet my friends.

i hated the media. and now they were following me.

i stepped out the door and walked to car where all my friends were. i ran up to nick first.

“hey babes!” nick said excitedly.

“hey nickk” matching his same energy.

group hugging lauren and angelina (angie) happily while getting tons of dumb questions from the media that was previously following me.

also greeting matt aswell, making sure to make him smile.

ೃ༄

parking into the driveway, me, matt, chris, and nick got out the car and heading inside the house.

nick and matt went to their rooms, leaving me and chris to go to our shared one.

“i need a shower” i said.

“okay baby i’ll go after you” chris said.

..

i closed the bathroom door and started stripping my clothes off. once fully done, i stepped inside the shower, turning the water on and letting the water stream down.

the water mixed in with the little blood that was left on me. falling on the shower tiles.

i took my loofah and put soap on it and watched it grow soap suds on it. i got lost in relaxing feeling of hot water and sudsy soap. it just rejuvenated me.

..

hopping out the shower, and drying myself with my towel. i threw on my clothes that were laid out on the counter. i opened the bathroom door and felt the cold air rush past me.

i stretched out on the shared bed and get a call.

it’s from my aunt. she never calls me. why now?

“hey y/n it’s me”

my aunt sounded like she was crying. but why?

“yes auntie?”

“y/n y-you’re parents died.”

i dropped my phone on the bed.

no. this is some kind of sick joke.

my eyes darted everywhere, trying to register what i just heard.

they couldn't have died. i saw them last night when they flew to London.

when they disappointed me telling me they couldn't make it to my game. i had totally forgot about that when i looked around in the stands.

then, i broke out into a loud, ugly, sob.

chris’ eyes immediately shot to me.

“what happened y/n??” his voice laced with worry and concern.

"my parents- they-" i couldn't finish my sentence.

"take your time ma" chris said gently.

i could hardly believe my parents died. it just wasn't possible.

chris hugged me tightly and kissed my forehead, trying to get me to calm down.

i sobbed. i loved my parents so much. sure we weren't on the best terms with eachother lately. but i still loved them dearly.

and the worst part is, the last thing i ever said to them but "i hate you both"

"chris the last thing i said to them wasn't even i love you!" i wailed, still sobbing.

"shh y/n" chris calmed.

then chris just held me there. no words. no sound. nothing.

just silence.

he knew what had happened by the hints i dropped.

i just couldn't bring myself to say it. not yet.

ೃ༄

i awoke, wrapped in chris' arms. i looked over the time,

1:56pm

a solid 13 hours of sleep.

yet i still felt tired.

i had no energy. so many missed calls and texts.

i knew what they were all gonna say,

"We're so sorry for your lost! If there's anything we can do to help let us know."

well you most certainly cant fix those empty parental figures;

hell, i'm an orphan now.

so bullshit.

i opened tiktok bored out of my mind and started scrolling.

i saw a tiktok of a girl who looked around my age with both her mom and dad , doing a dance.

why cant that be me?

..

i was at my desk a couple minutes later, hatching a plan.

because what if my parents really weren't dead,

what they faked it?

well its time to find out.

chris woke up groggily,

"morning ma" he yawned.

"morning baby" i answered swiftly.

"what are you doing?" he asked.

"we're flying to london."

extra: soooooooooo this took so long for no reason but here it isssss.

school was beating my ass fr fr

but thank you for reading !!!

taglist: 🏷 @lovingmattysposts @elliesturniolo1 @elliewrites1 @sturnsbitch @luvmxtt @vanteguccir @chrisstopherfilmed @novasturniolo03 @tyjna6 @sturnlova @sturniolo-lover1317 @patscorner @ak47b1tch

(comment here to be on my taglist !)

[ladythot]

Request for Gyutaro - if you are comfortable writing it, how about some guilty wank? Like, he's interacted with you before, and you're so damn sweet and friendly (even though you know he's not human!) to him that he can't help but want you... but you don't know everything he's done, and if he makes his feelings known you will find out and hate him, and he can't have that. Oh he wants you though, and he can't deny himself fully, so instead he settles for fucking his hand and thinking about how you would feel instead.

Ohhh I love me some guilty wank!! Sorry I took awhile wahhh EXAMS JUST STARTED DARN IT I CANT SIMP

Warnings: Masturbation, a few cursing, 18+

A guilty wank you say? Scratch that he'd probably see himself as a guilty guy through you if he ever imagined YOU jerking off of him. Well, he probably doesn't have a chance with a human girl he thinks himself anyway, but looking at you he may or may not have a teeny hope inside.

Sure he can dream himself since you seemed like an easy prey to pry a tongue on but, gyu doesn't think it's worth having his name wiped out of the upper moon rank and he doesn't wanna slaughter you either.

He has a couple of options, though. It's a bite in the ass since he thinks perhaps it's worth taking a long shot with a girl like you and surely muz would probably let him off the hook after he dumps your body but that'd be no fun after fucking you for fun and all or, he'll take a bullet for once but he doesn't wanna do anything like that for a mere human who's just being awfully polite to him. He thinks it's surreal—yet natural for you to be nice to a demon like him as someone who retains an overly warm personality.

But that's not all he's seen, maybe you're just the type to see distinction as nothing at all, or maybe you're just trying to shake things off so you could be another people pleaser? Gyu shakes his head everytime he thinks about you. Trying to get himself not to get too attached to humans, tsktsk not that he sometimes finds himself erected. He already finds himself attached to you though he doesn't mind it, he doesn't think much as long as he's not having an official affair with a human. Right?

All he could do now is think, think. He couldn't imagine a future without someone greeting him at every corner he sits by. He knows the risk of having to spill his feelings all over you, so he doesn't take the shot for it, but he could play a coast of imagination on what he could do with someone he actually loved.

So much stress, so stuffed up with thoughts, and so much envy to all the people who get to touch the slightest coat of your skin.

He couldn't imagine what your skin would feel like compared to all the dirty humans he's laid a single finger on. It's probably ecstasy for him he thought, he could surely say that himself after he saw you once took a bath at the brothel and he couldn't help but just..watch every single drop trail a silky road down the wanders of your skin, every curve the drops trailed by were followed by attentive eyes, it's almost like he's being bewitched.

He felt something hard bumping the front of his sagged up pants, it's growing bigger the second you rubbed your skin and hummed a tune he could hear from afar. Gyu closed his eyes listening to the soothing hums, gripping his cock that ached more and more for you to just hum around the sides of it instead, he breathes, so shakily, just the picture of your soft lips on his cock ushers him to beat his cock faster until it makes a slapping sound.

The veins on his cock throbbed painfully, he could feel every last one get squashed up and down under his huge hands until precum starts leaking out his tip. After a few beatings to his swollen cock he notices the humming stopped, and there you were bare backed walking out of the hot spring. He could see all the well details from afar, he couldn't help but stare, not beating his balls anymore, but didn't notice he'd cummed all over the ground and his sagged pants.

Still hard and solid, as cum dripped his cock, he watched as you wiped the short cloth all over your wet skin. He's drooling, one hand at cock slowly stroking the base. Gyu couldn't help but pinch a drop of cum every slow stroke he gives himself, as he shakes and watches you get dressed, soon leaving the hotspring.

"Fuck that was good." Gyu looked at his coated hand, thinking you'll probably make him cum ten fold if this is what he sees on his hand.

[lyraoftheevergreens]

Cold Tea

Severus Snape x Female Reader

~

Requested: yes, @xxmixhi

Hello! Could I get some really good snape angst?

Preferably along the lines of his s/o breaking his heart with the line "I don't think I'm in love with you anymore.." Thank you so much in advance!

AN: First and foremost, Thank you for being my first request and being so patient with me and thank you so much for trusting me to write this for you. I’m so sorry it took me so long. I've never wrote angst before so thank you for giving me somewhere to start. I hope you like it. I had a lot of fun writing this and was things of writing a part 2.

Story Note: This takes place the year before the sorcerers stone and Snape and the Reader are the same age.

Word count: 1,501

Y/f/n= your first name

Y/e/c= your eye color

~

It was nearing the Christmas vacation and for once in his life, Snape wasn’t staying at the castle. This time around he finally had someone to come home to. His sweet y/n. They met last year in the fall in Hogsmead. They had both gone into J. Pippin Potions to purchase potion ingredients and there she was, purchasing the last of the Fairy Wings.

“Did it come in?” She asked the man working in the front.

“Yes! But it's the only one I got. I saved it for you.”

“Thank you so much, Jimmy. How much do I owe you?”

“That will be 15 Galleons Ms.y/f/n”

“Okay, I got it right here.” She reached into her bag and pulled out her change purse when she was searching nervously she dropped a few sickles and Severus picked them up for her. After she finished paying he handed her what she had dropped.

“Here, you seemed to have dropped these.”

“Oh thank you so much! You know I would lose my head if it wasn’t attached to my neck.”

“You mean shoulders?”

“No, neck. I never understood why people say shoulders. It goes head, neck then shoulders.”

“Yes, I guess you're correct.” He looked down into her y/e/c and she looked up into his black eyes and they were both done for. After that, they met in Hogsmead every Saturday for their weekly date. During Summer vacation she stayed with him at his house in spinners end. Just for the summer. When he asked her to move in with him she declined and said she would only stay with him during the breaks. Y/n had her cottage in Hogsmead and it made sense for her to keep her cottage so they could continue to see each other during the school year. So when she declined at first he was hurt by her answer but when she gave her reason it hurt less.

He knew at some point in the relationship he would have to tell her about his dark mark. And when he did she was so understanding.

“You not a death eater any more are you?”

“No, not anymore.”

“I remember the first war, it seemed like everyone was a death eater.” She said with a slight laugh at the end.

“I won’t hold it against you if you don’t hold the fact that I hate dark chocolate against me. Deal?”

“No deal! How dare you not like dark chocolate.” He said pulling her on top of him.

“Make sense you would like you both are so bitter.” And with those words Severus began to tickle Y/n until she peed on him.

“Okay! I’m sorry! I cant- anymore- I’m gonna pee!” She said broken up between laughs and attempts to catch her breath. And so he stoped and they stayed there like that just talking the rest of the evening.

Severus was to gather his few belongings and stay at her cottage for the night and then the following morning they would travel via floo to his house in spinners' end. When he arrived at her cozy little cottage decorated beautifully by the snow that fell and her wreath at the front door. When he walked in he was met by the comforting smell of cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate. And to left was a Christmas tree next to the fireplace in front of the brown couch she had facing the fireplace.

“Severus! You’re here!” She shouted from the kitchen. “Come in!” He made his way into her kitchen and there she was setting down a hot chocolate and a cinnamon roll on a plate on her small dining table meant for four but who was it kidding it was perfect for just two. After she set down the drink and pastry she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down into her. “I missed you.” He murmured into her neck. But she didn’t say it back. She kissed his cheek and let go of him. She sat down on the chair across from his and began making small talk.

“Are you tired? It’s quite late.”

“Yes, but I have worked up quite the appetite for your cinnamon roles.”

“I’m glad you still enjoy them.”

They sat in the kitchen most of the night talking until they were both practically falling asleep at the table.

“Would you like a fire whisky and we could move to the couch.” Y/n had suggested.

“Or we could go straight to bed,” Severus suggested in his deep sexy voice that hypnotized her every time. He wrapped his hands around her waist and typically she was putty in his grasp, but no tonight.

“Oh Sev, I'm just not feeling up to it tonight if you don’t mind.”

“Of course, I don’t mind. Whatever you want.”

“Let’s just go to bed and snuggle, yeah?”

“Okay, darling.” He followed her to the bedroom and began to undress himself down to his boxers. Y/n got dressed into a champagne-colored nightgown and climbed into bed next to Severus. They said their goodnights and went to bed.

The next morning y/n woke up before Severus with her brain racked about how she was gonna end things with him. She started questioning their relationship after that summer she spent with him. As their first anniversary got closer she started to evaluate whether or not she wanted to continue their relationship, she gave it a year and just didn't see the point in further wasting his time.

Severus entered the living room interrupting her thoughts.

“You’re up before me.” He mutters, walking to where she’s sat on the couch placing a kiss on her forehead then taking a seat across from her.

“Would you like a cup of tea?” She asked.

“Yes, I would. Thank you.” She then got up and his tea just how he liked and walked over with her serving tray that carried a delicate white teapot and two matching cups. She placed it on the couch and took her seat. Severus grabbed his. Up and they both began to sip in silence. After a few minutes had passed Severus broke the silence first.

“Have you packed yet?”

“No, I haven’t actually.”

“There are something’s I need to gather and complete over at my house. So I would like us to end up there at some point.”

“About that Severus.”

“Yes.” He said raising an eyebrow at her and setting his cup down.

“I think we should maybe spend this vacation apart from each other.”

“Why is that?”

“I just. This last year has been nice but I’ve just grown so accustomed to living alone all these years.”

“It was your idea to spend breaks together.”

“Yes, I realize that but now I also have come to recognize that I was a bit over my head.”

“What are you trying to say Y/n?”

“I'm so sorry Sev.” Tears began to gently slip from her eyes. “I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore.” She spoke barely above a whisper, looking down, watching her tears fall into her tea.

“What do you mean?”

“I'm so sorry Severus.”

“How long have you felt this way?”

“For a month or so now.”

“A month!”

“I'm so sorry Severus. I just didn’t want to lead you on.”

“What happened? I thought things were going good?”

“They were! I just don’t know.” She did know. She just couldn’t tell him that she was beginning to dread him coming over for the winter break.

“You were dreading me coming over?”

“Did you just use legilimency on me!?”

“What do you expect? Your not telling me anything!”

“Because Severus I don’t know how!”

“Just say it!”

“I feel suffocated! For 10 years I’ve lived alone and then we started dating and then you were here every weekend and I didn’t know how to tell you I just need some time to myself. Time to miss you and now I just-.” At this point, she was yelling and sobbing all at the same time. Her words getting cut from her sobs.

“So we take some time apart then.”

“So we do.” She agrees to sniffle.

“I’ll gather my belongings and go then. Wouldn’t want you feeling more suffocated than you already feel.” He spoke coldly and got up from the couch and went to her bedroom to gather his things. Everything in her wanted to stand up and beg him not to leave. Realizing now that she didn’t want him to leave, scared that he left she may never get him back? But was she to do? Tell him that she changes her mind, that she regrets her choice of words, that if she could go back in time and do this morning and last night over again she would. But instead, she sat on the couch crying, regretting her words and actions, and let him leave without a fight.

“Where are you going?”

“Why do you care?”

“I just want to know.”

“Remember, you don’t love me anymore.” And with that, he disapparated to his house she assumes. As she sits on the couch crying realizing she has made one of the biggest mistakes she could have ever made. He was gone and she might not ever get him back all because she didn’t know how to say she needed a break she had convinced her self she didn’t love him. Because if she loved him why would she need a break from there weekends together. But if she didn’t love him why was her heart breaking into a million little pieces. “I do love you.” She whispered, still sitting on the couch. Knees pulled up to her chest and with tear filled eyes staring at the two cups of cold tea they never finished drinking.

[leviathanspain]

not the same anymore

marc spector x reader, steven grant x reader, jake lockley x reader

synopsis: after layla had found marc, helped marc defeat ammit and get steven back, you couldn’t help but find it difficult to fall into the same rhythm as before..

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“so you just…disappeared?” you asked marc, who stood at your apartment doorway, bags in hand and a weak apologetic smile on his face. the sight of his face was enough to knock the wind out of you. of course layla had alerted you of his appearance and also warned that he’d come home to you, unbeknownst to you though, layla had a hard time convincing marc to even return to you.

it’s not that he didn’t miss you, love you, it’s that he was insecure if you’d take him back or not. but standing before you, marc swallowed thickly as you questioned him without even greeting him. he’s seen military wives greet their husbands who had been gone for less than he was, with tears, the whole thing. but he supposed that he didn’t deserve it, he didn’t deserve you.

marc nodded, and sighed, “i’m sorry. i did it to protect you and i-“

you shook your head, grabbing his bags and walking into your apartment, marc raised his eyebrow with surprise but he followed you in.

the cool air of your apartment hit him with a rush. there was a slight echo, an emptiness to the apartment that hadn’t been there before. marc looked to find the whole place redecorated, things moved and most importantly, any trace of him was gone.

not even pictures, or his old sandals that he left here when he would come over. nothing.

it had been two years, could he blame you? he was supposed to be dead, missing, somewhere in the cairo desert. but here he was, trying to pretend that time hadn’t continued without him.

you threw his bags down kn the bed and rushed to him, embracing him with a shiver that marc found himself surprised by. you sniffled and didn’t say anything for several minutes. you just held him, and marc found himself dragging a hand up to caress you.

“i fucking hate you so much, right now, spector.” you whispered and marc stilled at your confession. a part of him broke slightly at that, but he knew that he deserved everything you had said. he was a complete asshole.

“im sorry.” he kissed your head and you pulled away, kissing his mouth deeply. marc moved his hands to hold onto your face but you smiled, shyly pulling away, “sex on the first night?” marc raised his eyebrows, but you shook your head, “you’re sleeping on the floor, no way am i going to have sex with you right now.”

“you’re practically a stranger to me again, marc!” you shouted. these past few weeks haven’t gone as smoothly as either of you had hoped.

you had gotten into an argument with marc over the situation of the bed, and you had let him on, but you refused to admit that your body would move to cuddle his when you were asleep.

“don’t say that.” suddenly a new voice broke out and you whipped your head up from your novel, looking at steven now, who was shouldering a sad look.

“i-“ you stood up from your desk and began to pad towards him but steven stepped back, “it’s marc’s fault but you’re punishing all of us, i doubt that’s fair in the slightest.” he shook his head and you looked down, toeing around an old sock on the floor, you sighed.

“cant even look at us when we speak?” another voice cut in and it was jake, and you rolled your eyes, “come on, lockley, i thought you out of all people would understand abandonment.” you stepped towards him and jake walked towards you, a flirty smile on his face as he grabbed your hand, shoving you onto the back of the door, a vicious grin on his face now, “i don’t think you can make that joke right now, especially not when i’m ticked off.” he condescended, and you rolled your eyes.

your crotch was on his thigh, and without a glance, you dragged your cunt down onto his leg, grinding it with a small groan, “do you want me to fuck you, lockley? will that make you guys happy?”

jake scoffed, shoving you back roughly before he let go, “don’t think you can get out of this. marc left, yes that’s fucked up but it happened and we’ve all been back for weeks now! it’s you who has the trouble of letting go!” jake spat and you shook your head, “fuck you. fuck all of tou, im so tired of you guys thinking it’s okay to up and leave me and then come back and expect me to take you back? as if nothing happened?!” your voice cracked at the end of that and jake stared at you silently, his expression unreadable.

“i don’t care if im being too crass or too much of a child to let any of this go, but where were you when i needed you?! enough with the saving the world bullshit or the avatar commitment shit either- i would’ve loved if you hadn’t come back into my life-“

jake laughed, a sickening, rancorous laughter that made your blood chill.

“-it would’ve been easier for all of us.” you continued, a grim line on your lips.

“fine, i’ll make it easy for you now.” jake grabbed a bag, one that marc hadn’t unpacked, and stalked out the door, an irritated look on his face as he left you by the door alone, once again.

[weirdcat1213]

TRIMAX VOL 2 YEEP YEEP YEEP

time for the thoughts :D

chap 1:

-YES HES HERE :D

-ok when you think about thats brutal af, this is the worst nightmare of anyone who takes public transport

-:c hes so soft

-the fucker with the balls scared me >:v get out and leave my son alone

chap 2:

-legato eating lmao :b but creepy at the same time

-"no guys we cant destroy him anymore, just traumatize him" what a metal thing to order knives, you sicko

-OH I LOVE THIS SCENE

-vash is doomed to be driven everywhere hes like me fr

-aw he looks tired :c

-nightow honey.....thank you so much for this dumb joke lmao

-yes vash ofc your bf is hiding something but this is not the time to think about that

-oh wait i remember this chapt-...oh fuck

-*insert 98 vash yelling get me out of here*

-"demon priest" nice nickname for your bf

-OH WAIT DO THEY STRAIGHT UP TOLD HIM "he so your brother wants us to traumatize you, yknow the classic stuff" TO HIS FACE I FORGOT

-also NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-PLEASE HE JUST WANTS TO GO HOMEEEEEEEEEEE

chap 3:

-oh the title page of this one *chef kiss*

-OH MAN HES READY TO GET INVOLVED DID I MISS THAT THE 1ST TIME???

-ooooh the betrayal

-oh that line that tries to be a panel line is cool as hell

-...ok i yet dont get much from this battle but pretty cool nonetheless

-i got the final part tho

chap 4:

-ok i do respect samurai guy here tho, die with your principles ma man

-ah no its the timeeeee noooooooooooooo

-im gonna need a hug

-:c

-ok i need the hug now

-IM GONNA START CHEWING GLASS

-"im willing to die so you fucking realize you cant go around in life just running away" is raw af, but replying with "im not gonna shoot you cuz i want to fucking show you hope" is even worst

-NIGHTOW IM GOING TO YOUR FUCKING HOUSE AND after respectfully shaking your hand BITE IT

-the man who bears the role of savior with a smile while it hurts vs the man who bears the role of the murderer without an expression while it hurts...IT ALL JUST HURTS

-MY GIRLS ARE HERE

-AH NAHHHHH I FORGOT ABOUT THATTTTTT

chap 5:

-nooooo stoppppppp :c

-something something, parallel with vash in a escape pod something, something tears

-I HATE LIFE ACTUALLY (the hc of wolfwood having regular nightmares is not even a hc, it actually happens)

-"we need 2 rooms" cmon dont be shy :3

-oh wait i love this chapter :3 even if it has the most unhealthy implications ever like vash omfg cant you just take a fucking break :)

-nah hes not ignorant of anything...hes just really stupid with a big ass heart

-ok i feel like im insulting vash too much rn, its the wolfwood pov mb

-hes so dead

-awww :3 im sorry for calling him stupid, he's just really nice in a world where mercy is basically being stupid

-vash is making the smallest and most pathetic noises and the guy is like "oh wow you can help me come up with a plan? thanks :D"

-woop

-i agree with rob but i also agree with his dad. this ties back nicely with the thing about considering killing people just because of family.

-i mean...yeah theres something deeply wrong with vash...those arent news i think

chap 6:

-wolfwood noooooooooooooooooooooo :c

-wolfwood dont *smack in the head* stop those thoughts rn

-i love wolfwood poking on the subject like "well at least i cant do that cuz IM HUMAN.....what about you vash hm?"

-AND WE LOVE A CHARACTER WHO DOESNT HAVE EVERY VALUE SET IN STONE :D vash ily and your search for an answer sm

-ah that looks pretty :D

-when i tell you THAT FUCKING SCENE HASNT LEFT MY MIND SINCE I READ IT THE 1ST FUCKING TIME. I FUCKING FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT CUZ I WAS SO FUCKING RELIEVED AND THATS ON MY TOP MEANEST THINGS NIGHTOW HAS DONE. AND THIS IS VOL 2 OF TRIMAX

-also lets go back to wolfwood "i don't have the right to hold you" vs vash embracing the hugs ONLY TO GET THIS. WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME NIGHTOW HUUHHHHHHH YOU MF-

(i dont think we'll get this or something similar in stampede but if we do...if we do i will bite people and that's a promise)

chap 7:

-SHUT UPPPP, WOLFWOOD KILL HIM

-YEAH CMON BABY

-im.....im so sad for him

-"the mind of a man is bleeding out".....yeah you can call him that ig

-oh shit thats how this volume ends??? fuck ig????

[joviepog]

Sorry I haven't been as active. I haven't had a good week at all so I'm trying to not project on people but here's an idea because I'm currently crying (⁠〒⁠﹏⁠〒⁠)

Wilbur comforting reader when they're crying (because of stress, events that have happened, being made fun of, anything along these lines)

Totally alright if not, and please don't jump on me immediately and start comforting me ❤️

I feel like Wilbur would be the best comforter. <3

Hard days.

Who: Wilbur x reader

Pronouns: non mentioned

Warnings: Crying, cursing, mention of anxiety

Requests: @ax-y10

Anything else: Sorry that this took so long! Hope u liked the end results!

-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-

You sat in your room, looking at all the papers in front of you. The room felt suffocating and the more you sat there, the more you wanted to give up.

You checked the clock behind you, resting your arm on the chair as you turned around.

1 am.

You let out an exhausted sigh and looked back at your work.

The papers from your boss that he had made you do. You hated him. You hated work. You hated yourself.

Why was it always your fault that your boss forgot to pay the bank?

Why was it so hard for your coworkers to just be nice?

Why was it so hard for your parents to be supportive for once?

You could feel the tears starting to flow out of your eyes as you looked at your work. Your boss was using you again. Knowing you needed the money, he always made you do his work for him. And if you missed one thing? You would be threatened to be fired.

Your coworkers made fun of you for everything! Your coworkers even made fun of you for not having your own apartment!

Which you really didn’t mind since your roommate was the kindest person alive.

Not to mentioned your parents.

They were always worried for you because of your anxiety but for some reason, they never believed in you.

God how you wished they would just leave you alone.

We cant anyone just understand?

‘I cant do this anymore..’

you kept thinking. you put your head down on your desk and let the tears flow down.

Your breath was wavering and your eyes were closed. You didnt want to think about them. You didnt want to be a pushover. You didnt want to do this anymore.

You didn’t want to-

There was a knock on the door and your breath hitched

“YN? Everything alright in there?”

You stayed silent

“I made you your favorite drink. I think i got it right this time!”

He chuckled before pausing.

“I’m going to open the door okay?”

This is when you freaked out. your head shot up and your heartbeat quickened.

“Wait! Wilbur, no!”

He opened the door and you wiped away the tears.

His eyes widened as he looked at you. You probably looked horrible.

He sighed and gave you a soft, loving smile.

He placed the steaming cup on the desk and kneeled next to you. He scanned the papers and frowned as he saw the wet spots from the teardrops.

“Yn..”

You were quick to interrupt him.

“I’m fine Wilbur! Thanks for the drink!”

You cringed at the voice crack and he laughed.

Your eyebrow shot up and you couldn’t hide the confusion.

“W-what?”

He cleared his throat, “You suck at this.”

“At what?”

“At lying.”

He grabbed your hands and you gasped at how warm his hands were.

You go up with him and he sat you on the bed.

“I’ll be right back okay?”

You nodded as you grabbed the blanket and covered yourself up.

He gave you a smile and walked out the room.

You closed your eyes and ignored the tears that kept wanting to come out of your eyes.

He came back with some tissues and you smiled at him.

He put them down next to you and sat down next to you.

He didnt say a word; he just hugged you.

He took a deep breath and closed your eyes. You couldn’t help but do the same.

You sank into his hug allowing yourself to cry in his arms.

He hummed a small tune as you cried.

You muttered out hopeless words, asking him why he was helping.

You asked him over and over again but he didn’t give a clear answer. Instead, he said. “Relax. Breath.” So, you did.

He kept humming and you kept taking deep breaths.

Thiswent on for a while.

Actually, you didnt even know how long that went on for. But soon, Wilbur fell asleep.

He was still hugging you. Arms wrapped around you protectively.

You and stopped crying and you had calmed down by the time you realized that it was late.

You tried to get out of Wilbur’s arms to get back to work but he just hugged you tighter. This is when it hit you.

A blush appeared on your face and your heartbeat became quick.

“Wilbur i need to work.”

He pulled you closer.

“No.”

You laughed.

“I do Wil.”

He shook his head softly, “No.”

“Wil-“

He interrupted you, “As your roommate, I’m not allowing you to go.”

“Wilbur I’m going to get fired. You know i cant-“ You started to argue back but he cut you off once more.

“We can worry about that tomorrow, love. Sleep.”You blushed and you hoped that he didnt hear your heartbeat.

“Right… thank you Wil.” He hummed a ‘you’re welcome.’ Before you hear the soft snoring.

You giggled before going to sleep.

Maybe i can do this?

-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-ꨄ-

[walking-fnaf-encyclopedia]

Don't worry about taking a while to respond!! we don't mind.

I LOVE Cassidy crying child as well (and have a Cassidy CC fictive headmate as well dfkgjhfgd) and I use it for several AUs including my main fnaf au. To answer your question about the designs, I'm thinking that Baby's appearance is altered to fit the other animatronics- i tend to stylize them all like real life vintage animatronics anyway, but Baby looks more like the others in the swap AU!

We might tell you more about some of our AUs soon, but in the meantime, what's your favorite of your AUs? Or any that you feel like sharing?

(Happy fnaf movie birthday!! We're gonna see it tonight we're so excited)

head in fucking hands. i have typed up a response to this twice now and tumblr keeps fucking eating it i hate mobile.

OKAY. third times the charmmm!!!

thank youu <3

same hat!!!! i only have them in logical error tho cause so far thats the only one where its relevant so far lol. i should really make a flashlight duo au or something. dont get me wrong, love evan cc having a best friend cassidy, but something about lonely cassidy cc who blames their dad more than mike for their death, ughhh.

changing baby definitely makes the most sense since shes the most “out of place,” her canon design being a different location, you know what i mean lol. but i know some people love to take on that challenge of “okay, but what if i redesigned everyone else instead of taking the sane route?” (its me im some people) also YES love vintage real life animatronics!!

oughhh my fave it probably logical error… i cant share a lot about it unfortunately twt

BUT! i can share one thing!! the twins’ (mangle’s heads) are named valerie (‘main’ head with casing) and eirelav (endo head)!! val and eire (eye-ra) for short! ive made up a whole little thing which i explained best in my second try at replying to this ask, but basically, cassie has a miscolored roxy plush that she named “valerie,” her best cross between roxy(/ie) and valentine. this roxy plush was a defect plush cause they put the wrong fabrics or the wrong patterns into the machines, so they had a small batch of chica-colored roxys and roxy-colored chicas (which cassie also has one of, whom i desperately need to name lol). i will draw them eventually i think they are so silly, her dad gave them to her and she thinks theyre both hilarious and adorable <3

okayyy i would say more but 1. third time writing this and still have to do. tags. and 2. i dont have anymore ideas lolll

HOPE YALL HAD FUN!!!!! i have to wait til the fifth of november and i am going insane. shaking violently. i am not leaving that fucking theatre seat til the credits. (which will suck cause no stimming but WHATEVER!!!!! ILL LIVE!!!!)

[frecklystars]

feels absolutely fucking devastating that i cant look at TF without getting nauseous. i tried to draw starscream giving me a hug bc i miss him and i need him but i couldnt make it past 5 minutes without getting sick. i cant do it. i cant fucking do it. i hate my abuser for what she did to me, i hate that she took my joy from me. i spend all this time loving all over ryan's/margot's characters but then i get hit with this fucking empty numb stab to the chest when i remember what i lost. i spent 3 years thinking about TF nonstop so of course my brain is automatically remembering TF because it's used to receiving serotonin from that -- but now when TF pops into my head, it's like, i get that sick feeling, this ache in my core that's like... i lost something that helped me stay alive and i feel aimless without it. i love ken but he isnt starscream. i love six but he isnt bee. i love seb but he isn't fixit.

well it really isn't my birthday unless if i'm having a fucking breakdown right. i wasn't supposed to live this year. i say that every year, but this was such a bad fucking year, this was the worst year of my life and it just keeps fucking going. i cannot put into words how much of your own life trauma takes from you. it's the only thing your brain can think about and you're even hurting when you're asleep. i attempted to take my life so many times and someone i trusted used that against me, took advantage of my vulnerability and turned my only comfort characters against me. im bitter and im depressed and i just want that part of myself back but it just feels so hopeless

there was nothing that comforted me the way TF did, the cameos i bought, the comics i made, the animatics i planned, the playlists with hundreds of songs that i can no longer listen to. the endless amounts of shows and movies i could have spent time enjoying. fuck, if i didn't meet my abuser, i'd be enjoying earthspark. i've heard that stsc is treated with respect there, that his abuse is taken seriously. and he's voiced. by steve. blum. and i would have loved it. i would have wept for it. i would have made so much art. that was MY JOY that was fucking ROBBED from me. steve blum told me with his own voice in his own words looking into my eyes, keri i hope you enjoy earthspark, im excited for you to see starscream. and i. cant.

it's horrifying when my therapist tells me that my reaction to TF isnt just a c-ptsd trigger response but it's also a grief response. that im grieving this Thing because it's so ruined. and it's not just TF that i lost, it's... the experiences, like, what the hell dude i met steve blum after two years of buying so many personalized voice clips from him. that man held me in his arms and squeezed me so tight and he acted like he was as excited to meet me as i was to meet him. he recognized my name written on that envelope i gave to him, and was so overjoyed to meet his "little starflower". that was the best moment of my life and now i look back on it and i just cry about it bc i feel nothing. im so numb to everything related to TF and the voice actors. i've spent hours chatting back and forth with the voice actor for fixit... i have so many cameos and messages/chats where he was so kind to me and we'd talk about anything and everything. i have so many cameos from so many different TF voice actors, instant messages, shoutouts. and when i replay the voice clips of the characters saying "i love you" to me, to me, personalized with my name, it's like i'm hearing them but i'm not internalizing them. like the love the characters have for me is hitting an invisible forcefield and it won't reach me anymore. it's like all of the time i spent loving and being loved by these characters meant jack shit. i had special experiences with real people! with real voice actors!! i had!!! conversations!!! ive had my artwork held in these peoples hands!!!! my art is on steve blum's desk!!!! his agent promoted my artwork on instagram three separate times before he put it on all of his websites and i can't be happy about that anymore. i'm trying! i'm trying!! but i feel nothing! it's not like i want to feel this way!

and im bitter about it. i was mistreated for so long, and when i was offline, unable to defend myself, my abuser spread rumors about me to artists that i had never even met. our friends in our inner circle blocked me when i was hurting and i hadn't even spoken to them in months, and when i asked why i was suddenly unable to chat with them, she said "don't worry about it." she spent MONTHS trying to tarnish my name despite the fact that i cut ties with her way back in the beginning of the year. i remember the time she told me over the phone "i'm getting attached to you... it's not good. that's going to be a problem for you." and i didn't know what she meant at the time but god that was my 50 billionth red flag that i overlooked. she told me repeatedly that she hurts people. i almost thought she was bragging about it, she wore her misery like a badge. i just kept taking excuse after excuse after excuse until this person killed the core part of myself. i had no strength to fight back. i hate myself for putting up with all of her shitty behavior. i sometimes wish i never ever got into TF at all in the first place, so i'd never meet her, so i'd never know all of the f/os that i lost

barbie at least breathed a little bit of life back into me but i still have days where i feel like a zombie. im just a dead body feeling like my heart was ripped out of me and im supposed to just go through the fucking motions as if nothing happened? as if someone didnt spend over a year hurting me on purpose every chance she got? and i spent the whole day today trying so so so hard to enjoy my birthday, but i had ptsd flashbacks at work. i still have nightmares about my f/os physically hurting me and saying that they're doing it for my abuser. sometimes i have nightmares about ken hurting me, the dream starts off really soft but then suddenly my abuser will show up and it's as if he's under a spell, and he snaps into some entirely different person, fists raised and he becomes a monster. i've never associated my abuser with any of ryan's characters but! im just traumatized! i guess!!!

i didnt start to enjoy my bday today until i sat down to watch the barbie movie with one of my friends. but once that ended i saw that inbox message of someone loving starscream so much and it made me so nauseous. i miss him. i had something so fucking special and it's ruined and i just want it back. im never getting it back. "this is not a temporary love" was just a big fucking joke. my saving starlight AU, all of the years i've spent working on my stories and my universes, everything i've done, all of it was so pointless. it's so painful to look at a comfort character and to flinch, to immediately think that they'd have no greater joy than to betray me the way my abuser did. she would go into such explicit detail about the vile, disgusting things they would do, the most atrocious unspeakable things, and i can't shake that out of my head. i keep holding onto blind hope that i can heal from it but it feels hopeless

i can only afford therapy once a month now, i can't afford my meds, i'm never going to have parents or siblings who will love me. i wasn't supposed to live to see my bday this year and i am so fucking angry that none of my attempts worked. there's one attempt that was so close and i think about it at least once every few days, how i'd surely succeed if i tried one more time. and that scares me!!! i don't want to think like that!!!! i want to get better damn it!!!! i'm so sick of feeling so goddamn bad!!!! but i've never had self shipping be ruined for me like that, i've never had comfort characters be ruined for me, i've never had a special interest be turned into a trigger and used against me. i've never been betrayed by someone i trusted like that.

i am grateful for barbie/ken/six/etc but god it's not enough. it's not starscream, it's not bee, it's not what i had before. it's not the same. and when this hyperfixation fades i'm going to go back to feeling nothing, and i'm so terrified of that. i don't want to go back to crawling and begging to feel something again. i'm shocked this hyperfixation has lasted longer than 2 months. i don't want to lose it, i'm so scared of when i'll lose it and when i'll be completely empty again.

i am so broken it's like someone spent over a year stabbing me with a dull knife and then cutting me off from a handful of my friends, kicking me into the dirt and everyone expects me to just get up and brush it off. and i feel like people don't understand this feeling unless if they've experienced abuse/ptsd as well. it feels like my bday every year gets worse and worse and if i'm going to feel this fucking bad i wish that something inside of me would finally just kill me. i'm sick of being so heartbroken and if things can't get better then i really just want it all to be over. i dont care whats in the afterlife, if there's something or if there's nothing, anything is better than this constant misery eating me up

[tmtwl]

enuff

Ive compacted myself to be easy to read, desperate for eyes to overanalyze my every word, yet im still a million chapters of a badly written book. My morals are wrong and im stupid. I used to be exactly what i needed to be but im not that anymore and i cant step backwards to be that again. I present myself like an open magazine, please look at me, look at all my bright colors and deals on clothing, consume my media. please please please ask others if they’ve read me, if they like me, if they’d buy from the company that made me another time. I have dreams, i know what i want to be but i have little to no hope im capable of doing it. Theres too many things wrong with me, too many gaps to fill, too much to say.

I want to rip my skin off satisfied, i want to wash it and scrub it and bleach it and put it back on in the morning nice and clean. I want to be better. But I will be worse. The blood from my exposed organs and muscle will drip into the water and stain my skin, and when i put it back on it wont fit the way it used to and there would have been no point in doing it in the first place. I want to listen to their words, i try to. But my eardrums are clogged with ignorance and knowing. I know myself better, i know me and what will happen to me. Whether its my decision or old age.

Its not like i hate everything, i like most things. I like when my cat cuddles up to me. I like being outside when its bright and sunny and i take off my sweater and feel the warmth of the sun on my arms. I love the summer. I like the way clear water looks. I like wrapping my arms around someone in a hug and swaying side to side and giggling when we almost fall over. I like the feeling of hair in my hands and twirling it in between my fingers. I like when people have a little tuft of hair swooping out from the nape of their neck. I like the presence of people around me. I like the loud sounds of music in my ears and feeling the vibration against my head. I like finding a new song thats so good i become captivated by it and its like overdosing on a drug. I love music. I love the feeling of being high.

[thedianadiary]

0006.

Have you ever cheated at a card game? i don’t think so? i mean i would feel too guilty lol Tell me what colors you’re wearing right now? i have on a pair of black sweatpants and a long sleeved tiedye shirt.  Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend? lol yes... though not often. Are you longing for the day that you’ll be an adult? (If you’re not already) i mean i am an adult but im not feeling like it. ugh.

Are you a fast runner? hahaha nope. i hate running. What’s something you’ve vowed to never eat? i wouldnt vow against something i just feel like theres stuff i wouldnt desire eating lol Do you have a “poker face”? probably not. my dimples betray me every time Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed? in serious settings yes but like if the right people are around me, no. i cant. Do any of your friends shamelessly burp or fart in public? ugh. burpers. some of my biggest pet peeves are like poor manners: burping, farting, open mouth yawning (not covering your mouth), eating with mouth open, etc.  When was the last time you had a good cry? its been a long time but man i could probably go for it lol Has anyone ever told you they wanted to marry you? yes. a couple people. Have you ever had a “thumb war” with someone? heckn yea. i love a good thumb war. Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover? no, honestly. Time goes by faster as you get older, don’t you find? pretty much Have you ever had a panic attack? yes.  Are you deathly allergic to anything? no. i am regularly allergic to gluten, dairy, and dust lol Have you ever had a mouse in your house? yes, being that we live next to a forest preserve. but benny takes care of it and its been a whiiiiiiiiile since then. Do you know what you want for your dream house? yes. feels unobtainable lol. Have you ever seen the movie the Notebook? yes If you download torrents, what torrent program do you use? i dont honestly know what that really is. Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex? yup! Are you able to count to ten in another language? yup! Is there something you know you have to do, but haven’t done it yet? yes but ive been trying! Can you sing? i wish, but no Have you ever read “Gone With the Wind”? no, the movie alone was a little much for me.  Are your eyebrows naturally thick? looooool no. my eyebrows if i dont fill them in are sparse and very blonde.  Have you ever attempted to cut your own hair? yup. all the time. i dont get in-person cuts lately because i dont really know how to handle the tumor on my head with another person touching it. Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick? no. unless they are being extremely confrontational and angry.  Have you ever wanted to tell someone how you felt, but never did? on a very, very small handful of times. i don’t really have much of a problem with telling someone how im feeling.

What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed? oh gosh there are plenty. honestly, im really due for a ps i love you movie night. Do you check your email daily? no i definitely do not. i need to do better about it.  Have you ever breathed in helium? um yes what child did not Do you try to be confident and positive about your future? i always try to be hopeful and positive When was the last time you felt disappointed in yourself? yes. Have you ever owned a garden? nope  Who was the last person to text you? K Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? yes lol Do you ever find yourself trying to be the referee amongst your friends? no, not anymore. i shut that down when it comes up.  Has a laptop ever burned your legs? yes but not like leaving a mark kind of burn.  Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow? yup Who was the last person to flip you off? idk, probably nathan Are you doing anything the day after tomorrow? uhhhh ok so tuesday. possibly. tentative.  Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? ok lemme think... no more in april. none in may. june is Duke’s first bday! then july is full of them. Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? its fun when they are super small. but not easy to put on.  Do you make the effort to smile at people? i naturally do.  Are you good at following directions? yup Have you ever just screamed really loud in an attempt to feel better? yes from time to time.  Are you in any way, still a child at heart? haha yes the eternal optimist. Quality triumphs over quantity, correct? yes. until money HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA im so broke. Have you ever danced when there was no music playing? every day.  Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care? em and mom. K but he doesnt get to see all my crazy cus hes a zillion miles away. honestly most people i can be a goof with. From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall? yes Have you received a text today that made you go “wtf”? lol yes When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap? yes I do Are you even feeling the least bit tired? im exhausted but not sleepy yet. Is there currently any caffeine or alcohol in your system? nope Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? electric but i dont have one.  Are your biceps at all noticeable? haha no! Have you ever seen a walrus? yes When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule? nope it grosses me out lol If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? no i dont think so Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer? would it surprise me? no. When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too? no, not usually. i get a bit sympathetic but i dont cry too often Were you single last Valentine’s Day? no Do you tend to jump to conclusions? sometimes i do Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays? yes Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? yes lol