#heartbreak and loss and things like that are very normal

[calypsolemon]

Everyone on this website talks about the choice to not have children to end the terrible cycle of familial abuse or whatever but I feel like nobody on here wants to talk about the more mundane and pressing reality of wanting children but being paralyzed by the understanding that bringing them into our current society inherently means traumatizing them in some small way simply because there are no good options.

Like. Dont want to put a child through public school because public school sucks, but homeschool is isolating and private school is not an option for ppl with no money. Dont want to raise a child with a forced gender but attempting to raise a child neutrally may socially isolate them or cause authorities to question your parenting methods. Don't want to raise a child in an isolated suburb where they have nowhere to travel independantly but affordable housing with ample room for families in city environments are basically nonexistent.

It can be hard not to feel judgemental of yourself for wanting to bring a child into the world at all under these conditions. Unlike with refusing to continue the "cursed bloodline" or whatever, there's just no personal pride one can take in deciding not to have kids because the world would force me to make choices that hurt them irregardless of my desires.

[gay-dorito-dust]

You may request A batboys reacting to the death of the reader

First time writing for Tim, so he’s probs ooc in this one.

Dick feels as though he’s failed you.

He tries to act like he was fine but he was far from it and everyone knew it as they stepped on eggshells with him during this time.

Dick would often find himself sat on the very rooftops where he’d take you on countless dates or just to star gaze and talk as though you were still with him.

It was his own way of comforting himself with your loss but that was never enough to stop the tears that fell from his eyes when he spotted a bright star he’s never seen before until now, and laughs humourlessly.

‘I see you’ve finally made your way amongst the stars huh sweetheart?’ He’d say as your star would twinkle in response, making him chuckle. ‘You’re so beautiful, the brightest of your kind.’ He adds sombrely as he wipes his eyes with the back of his hand as he felt his heart sing out for you, only to receive nothing in return.

Reality was often disappointing but with you it was a fairy tale.

Waking up to you was a dream within itself and getting to do mundane things with you before heading off to work was something that could only exist in a daydream.

He knew Hayley misses you as badly as he does with how he’d hear the poor dog whine and whimper at the door, as if waiting for you to walk through it and tackle her with kisses and love like you always did, only to get nothing for hours.

‘I know, I miss them too.’ He says against Hayley’s fur as she whimpers and whines at the door. ‘I miss them so fucking much it hurts.’ He adds as he allows himself to mourn for you alongside his dog long into the night.

Jason blames himself for not being fast enough or strong enough to keep you protected and safe.

The apartment you once shared with him that only recently had started to feel like home to him now felt cold and haunted with the ghost of you, so much so to the point he avoids it at all cost.

Nothing felt right without you, everything felt wrong and unjustified that he became more ruthless then before on patrols just to let off some steam and would come back from them more beaten and bruised then normal.

He didn’t care, he couldn’t feel anything anymore with how numb he became after loosing you.

Dick and Roy would stop by to see how he was doing but each visit was the same with Jason refusing his older brother and best friend entry as he held one of your plushies tightly against his chest. He knows they mean well but he just couldn’t find it within himself to hear the same thing he’s heard from everyone else; It just felt disingenuous after a while and didn’t feel as though people truly understood the impact that you had on him throughout your time together.

Jason would become more destructive with himself and going headfirst into danger without a second thought and damns his teammates for dragging him out by the scruff of his neck as he fights and kicks out of their hold. He doesn’t want to be saved! He just wanted to be with you again, why couldn’t they see that?!

After loosing you Jason becomes more prone to angry outbursts and often lets them out on the wrong person but he couldn’t care less at this point, his favourite person was gone and he was left back where he was before you.

Lost and deeply afraid.

Tim would retreat from everyone and everything by cooping himself into his room, rarely to come out.

He’d rather rot in his bed and on his phone, looking through all the photos you’ve taken together and seeing just how happy you both were, all the while a pit in his stomach grew at the thought of all the plans you’ve made but would never get to do.

He hated how easily he gave you his heart and hated it even more at just how easy it was to loose you that he wishes that he could stop himself from meeting you for the first time, just so he could selfishly save himself from the best moments of his life and the inevitable heartbreak he’d soon suffer.

Tim would do anything in his power to get you back but knew that it just wasn’t possible.

He knew Jason was given life by the Lazarus pit but he wasn’t willing to subject you to that even if he was held at gunpoint. He’d rather you rest in peace than force you to live with the knowledge that you should technically be dead.

Tim would remain in his room, wondering about the what ifs and the what could’ve beens if you hadn’t died. Would someone have taken your place? Was your death an unchangeable fixed point in time that was meant to happen?

He would only be reunited with you in his dreams where he has saved you and you had gotten to live out the rest of your life happily, rather then left for dead in an alleyway not too far from the place where you were originally going to meet up for date night.

Damian dedicated his life to getting revenge.

He had lost the light in his life, so why should he think his adversaries should live when you weren’t even given the option?

There will be more bodies pilling up on the streets of Gotham at a faster rate than normal whenever Damian is on patrol, much to Bruce’s dismay.

His anger and grief was all consuming and that left little to no room for logic to make him stop and see what he was doing was no better than the thing that took you away.

Life was black and white for a long time for Damian and you were the colour.

You were the air he breathed and without you he was gasping.

He knew about the Lazarus pit in his grandfather’s possession and its mythical properties and how it gave Jason a second chance at life. However he was at a cross roads on using it for his own selfish gain, on one hand he could have you back and everything would be fine again, but on the other hand you wouldn’t be the version of you he fell in love with…

Damian didn’t know what to do. The grief, the anger, the sadness…it was all too much for him. He felt as though he apart of him was missing and he would never get it back, it just wasn’t possible.

Bruce feels as though nothing has changed since his parents death.

He may be older, faster, stronger and wiser but that didn’t mean nothing in the face of death, and your death only proved that to be true as he held you in his arms, holding you close to his chest as he quietly sobs into your cold neck.

Much like Tim, Bruce doesn’t take care of himself anymore and it was up to Alfred to make sure that he doesn’t keep over and die unexpectedly.

‘They wouldn’t want this for you sir.’ Alfred would say as Bruce slams his hands down on the surface of his desk. ‘And what would you know that they want for me Alfred, y/n’s dead and it’s my fault.’ He would bark and bare his teeth at the only father figure he had in his life, a father figure whom has seen this expression bore on the young master’s face more times then he could count, but it still hurt him to see Bruce in pain and heartbreak.

‘They would want you to take care of yourself, sleep proper hours, eat full meals, shower, reach out to anyone,’ Alfred began to walk towards Bruce and place a hand on his shoulder, where he could practically feel the unbridled anger and pain radiation through him that he kept under control. ‘They wouldn’t want you to wallow in pain alone, Gotham needs you.’

‘And I needed them.’ Bruce replied sharply, aggressively wiping his eyes with his hand as he looks over at a framed picture of you that he always kept nearby. ‘All I wanted was them.’ He adds softly this time as he looks at Alfred, lost and confused at what to do now that his anchor was gone. ‘I miss them so much Alfred.’

Alfred brings Bruce into his arms, much like he did when he lost his parents, when he lost Jason and now you, allowing him to burrow his face into the Butler’s shoulder and softly sob into the fabric. Alfred felt his heart break even more as he rubbed Bruce’s back in an attempt of bringing him comfort. ‘I know master Bruce, I know, but you’d be doing their memory a great disservice by destroying yourself.’ The older man started as he looked over at the framed picture of you and smiled soberly, you were a beacon to Bruce and Alfred wasn’t afraid to say that he viewed you as his in law with how happy you made Bruce and that was all Alfred could ever want for him.

Now that you were gone, Alfred couldn’t help but feel that the manor got just that little bit lonelier without you.

[itsgrimeytime]

drunk on you (part one) || Rick Grimes (TWD) × gn!reader (no apocalypse!AU)

rick grimes taglist: @golden-hoax @mgparker

AVAILABLE ON AO3

Summary: You'd known Rick forever, as far back as freshman year. He was a guy you (if you were honest) had a crush on; there was just something in his stance and the low drawl of his voice. You'd say that feeling only got worse from there. Before you could blink, he was married and had a kid; and suddenly, despite your best efforts, you felt very out of place. You faded out of his life, and he yours. So when Rick shows up at your door (drunk out of his mind) about 5 years after the last time you spoke to him, you have a lot of questions.

TWs: mentioned infidelity (Shane and Lori), strained relationships, loss of friendship, mentioned pregnancy (Judith), divorce, alcohol, mention of gunshot wounds, and shameless flirting.

[[A/N: y'all remember when he was drunk that one time? this is built off of that. also no apocalypse, just normal life. Enjoy :))]]

A long time ago, you met Rick Grimes.

He wasn't the kind of teen that was awkward, like maybe his arms were too long for his body -no. Rick Grimes was broad-shouldered and built like he was on the football team -even though you weren't exactly sure he was. Shane Walsh, his best friend, was the same -both unbelievably picturesque. You were a human then, so you'd had a thing for Rick, but then again, every single person in that school did.

And one day, he approached you with a grin, "Apparently you're really good at this?"

You tutored him, and your friendship just spiraled from there. The two of them became a trio, and despite insistent Shane's flirting (not that he meant any of it), your heart stayed consistent.

Even throughout college (or the police academy for them), they would come onto your campus for lunch -always stealing bits and pieces of yours. You could clearly remember meeting Rick's eyes over the table and your heart flipping in your chest; before he could notice though, you'd flick a piece of your lunch at him. He'd laugh then, and you'd move on.

They were there with you through life, boyfriends (who they often threatened to 'take care of'), heartbreaks, and failures.

You weren't there when he met Lori, but you were there when he introduced her to the group. She was picturesque beauty, just like him and Shane were picturesque handsome -they suited each other really well.

That day, you'd been strained and Shane could tell -he kicked up the flirting to a hundred, and you spent the whole time pushing him off and cussing him out. You didn't tell him, not verbally, but you knew he knew. And you trusted him not to tell.

Even when they got married, your lips stayed sealed. You were at the wedding actually, it had been a day you couldn't decide on. Half the day you were happy for your friend, and the other half, you felt like your heart had been stomped into the ground. You cried in the bathroom a few times, and Shane hovered close by.

He seemed to understand your pain a little too much, but you never got the courage to ask.

You were still trying, though, and had honestly become friends with Lori but you still felt your grasp on the group loosen. They were leaps ahead of you, both Shane and Rick in stable jobs -making their way up, and Rick and Lori married-

You just weren't there yet. And you didn't know how long it would take. Especially since all you could see in your head about the future was Rick. And that wasn't fair to Lori and you knew that but you couldn't stop-

And then, Lori was pregnant.

That was probably the last straw for you.

It wasn't that you stopped showing up, not really. You still came to the baby shower with cute, little baby booties and a bet on a boy. You even met Carl, and he helped. You could distract yourself with him, and every time you visited, you did just that. Lori and Rick would talk to Shane, and you would be lost in playing with Carl.

You stayed until he was three.

Rick had suddenly got the notion -you always knew he was attentive, but you'd never dreamed of this.

"I can tell somethin' is wrong with ya," he had said, hands sturdily on your arms, "-I'm 'ere if ya need me, you know that, right?"

You stopped being as vocal when you met up -trying to hide it all away, all it did was make Rick watch you more. So, you started leaving early and being busy -working yourself to the bone.

As time passed, naturally, they stopped inviting you. Your life shifted, and you moved out of town for your dream job -a fresh start. None of them knew that, and even though you could've said something, you were eager for a do-over.

Maybe this time you wouldn't fall in love with a married man, you thought to yourself.

And even though it was a joke, it hurt. You weren't sure that it ever wouldn't.

That brings you to now, at your apartment in a different city -eating some food you randomly pulled out of your pantry. It was late, and realistically, you should've been sleeping but the show that was on actually caught your attention. You'd let it slide and probably hate yourself in the morning.

Just as another revelation made its way onto your screen (might've been someone cheating on someone else? you weren't really following), you heard a noise.

You stiffened, raising an eyebrow -what the hell?

Patiently waiting, you heard it again -more incessant.

Knocks, you realize, someone was knocking at your door.

Flashing the time on your phone, 1:06 am, you frowned. There was no way anyone you knew was at your door at this hour; it was probably just some weirdo-

The knock came back and this time it was much louder, a pounding even.

You startled for a minute, before standing and making your way to the door -slowly, and keeping a foot propped against it, just in case. You lived in the city, this could really be anybody.

Instead, when you opened the door, you were met with a familiar face -your neighbor a few doors down. She was an older lady, sweet, but she certainly did not look sweet then.

"Do you know him?"

You hadn't even noticed at first, but her fist was clutching hard against the white t-shirt of someone -you shifted slightly to try and see them better.

And when you did...

"Rick?" You asked with disbelief layered in your tone -this could not be real.

"So, you do," she exhaled, letting him go.

He promptly turned to you, and you could just immediately tell he was wasted. He had that flush on his face, and the gleam in his eye you'd seen before at college parties.

Rick's blue eyes fell on you and he grinned real bright, mumbling out, "Y/N! 'S good to see you. I was lookin' for ya-"

"He's been knocking on every door on this floor for 30 minutes," she all but seethed, "-apparently, I'm the only one who answered."

With a breath, your mind spinning -you grabbed Rick's shoulder and pulled him inside.

"Thank you, Beatrice, really," you smiled, apologeticly, "-I'm so sorry he woke you up."

She waved you off, disappearing down the hall.

At that, you locked the door behind you and spun on your heel -determined to make sure this was real. That Rick Grimes was in your living room.

Sure enough, he stood by your couch -a little wobbly. He actually nearly fell but caught himself on the back of the couch.

"Alright, cowboy," you sighed, rushing over to move him to sit, "-Let's get you settled, yeah?"

Rick was putty in your hands as you pulled him onto the couch -body moving only when you forced it to. He smiled at you, big and beautiful, when you stepped back -and you hate to say it made your heart flutter. It was all coming back now, you needed to focus-

"Where 'ave you been?" He asked, and it was slurred, "-Haven't seen you in forever, ya know?"

"Rick, hey," you sat across from him on the coffee table, "-Why are you here? How do you even know where I live?"

"Shane told me," he hiccups, whole body jolting, "-told me ta come find ya. And I-"

He paused for a second, like he couldn't remember.

"I came to see you," he answered, before flashing another smile. He was always a happy drunk.

"Right," you said -not buying it. Had Shane just ditched him in the city? If so, why were they here?

And why did he ditch him in the first place?

You huffed out a breath and pulled out your phone -darting through your contacts. Your finger hovered over it for a second (just a moment of doubt), and pressed it.

It rang for a few minutes, before just going to voicemail.

Frowning, you scrolled back up, skimming again for a different name: Lori. You hoped she would answer, and she should. Her husband has gone missing, assumedly? Yeah, she should be concerned.

And again, it rang for a few minutes and then went to voicemail. ('Hey, this is Lori. Sorry I'm busy right now, but I'll get back to you.')

You huffed out a breath, what the hell?

You knew it was late, but her husband had just shown up at your door -blackout drunk. Did she even know he was out? Was Shane even the one who brought him here?

Rick leaned forward and you placed a hand to keep him upright instinctively. You pursed your lips, debating on how exactly to handle this.

"Rick?" He perked up at your voice, "-Where are Lori and Carl? Are they close?"

He frowned for a moment, before throwing himself back against the couch -you made sure he stayed sat up, "Carl goes wit' Lori on the weekends."

"Goes?" You questioned, you knew you hadn't been present for five years, but it seemed like his whole life had changed -you didn't dare assume, "Rick, are you and Lori not married anymore?"

"No," he scoffed, almost in defense, "-broke up a long time ago. You didn't kno' 'at?"

You swallowed, some sort of mix of shock and disbelief brewed up your throat: so her drunk ex-husband showed up at your door.

There was something in your chest, a little flame in your heart. You were ridiculous, happy about a divorce between some of your previously close friends? God, you were reaching new lows.

Well, wasn't like you could do anything else, so you stood up -grabbing a cup from your kitchen and filling it with water. Rick, thankfully, stayed in his spot on the couch -eyes following you as you walked back over to him.

"You're pretty," he slurred, "-always thought 'at, never said it."

Your heart jumped in your throat, focus, Y/N. He's drunk.

You shook your head, and found your place on the coffee table again, holding out the cup. When his hand extended, he wobbled a bit more and you let out a long sigh.

"Okay, fine," you muttered, scooting closer, "-open up."

He was still surprisingly obedient, sipping the water as you held it to his lips. His eyes, though, stayed focused on you -blue eyes barely blinking. It made you want to fidget in your seat, but you decidedly ignored it. Focus, focus.

With half the glass gone, you were satisfied. Pulling the cup back and sitting it beside you, his eyes did not waver -you were starting to get a little flustered now. Standing to go get a blanket and container (for any... accidents), you were stalled in place.

His fingers wrapped around your wrist -calloused and long, your brain short circuited a bit.

"Rick, why-"

"Even prettier now," he laughed out, grinning, "-thought ya was pretty th'n, but you're even prettier now! How did ya do 'at?"

Swallowing the skip of your heart, you pulled your hand out of his grasp and continued your walk. Shaking out your hands and exhaling a big breath, you stepped out of the closet with the goods and back toward the couch.

"Look," you started, shaking the container in your hand, "-this is where you throw up, okay? Not on my floor."

"Aye, aye," he grinned.

You rolled your eyes, but something you had missed him -even just as a friend. You'd lost him as a friend too, and that probably hurt more than anything. He was your rock and then, he was gone.

Blinking back the fog of your eyes, you set him up in the recliner -pulling his feet up and throwing the blanket over him. It was your extra one, a soft throw blanket, and wasn't long enough to cover his feet. Which, now that you noticed still had his shoes on them.

You let out another long sigh, before beginning to untie the laces.

"Shane told me 'at ya loved me," he said suddenly as if it was a realization and you stilled where you sat. Your breath stuttering in your chest, you focused on the laces for a moment.

"Why did he tell you that?"

Rick sighed, tilting his chin up to look at the ceiling, "Asked 'im 'bout ya, why ya left. If he knew anythin'."

You flinched, something in your chest sinking. He would've been sober then, that wasn't something you just brought up drunk. But, why were they even talking about you? Did they still do that? After all these years?

Feeling guilty, you stayed silent.

Rick didn't say anything else, oddly quiet, and when you looked up, you saw him fast asleep. Eyes fallen shut and head tilted all the way to the left, he looked like quite the picture. You laughed, a tiny one just to yourself.

Maybe, if he woke up and left tomorrow without saying a word -this visual could hold you over for a while. It reminded you of when you guys were the closest, before you started... drifting away.

You swallowed, tears burning the backs of your eyes -not letting them fall. You'd cried over this too many times.

Taking a deep breath in and one last look at Rick, you disappeared to your room. The comfort and familiarity of it made you feel a lot better, but if you focused you could hear the gentle hum of Rick's breathing. A reminder that he was there, that this wasn't all some bizarre dream.

Changing into pajamas, your eyes flickered over some old photos up on your walls -your friends, all smiling and happy. You, Rick, and Shane -sometimes even Lori. It was filled with other things like your diploma and degree, family photos, little souvenirs, and just pictures you'd taken of places you'd been.

Rick looked the same as then, just a little more built. A little sturdier, and more confident in himself; kind of like he knew his place or had found it.

He didn't need you.

You shook the thought from your head and headed to bed -flicking out the lamp on your nightstand and forcing everything within you to sleep.

Waking up the next morning, you realized you forgot to get the Tylenol out for Rick. So with reluctance (it was your day off), you pulled yourself out and dug through your drawers to find it. It was quiet, so you assumed, he was still asleep. You would be if you could've.

Instead, however, when you roamed to your bedroom door -you were stalled still. Rick was up, silently looking at your wall with intense focus. Those pictures were of you, some with new work friends, with your family, with just pretty sights you'd seen; it was all you. He was staring a bit like he was in an art museum and your photos were the most fascinating piece he'd ever seen.

Your heart sped up in your chest.

Clearing your throat, he spun to you and you for a second forgot how to speak because those eyes were very clearly aware -skipping all over you like he couldn't believe you were real. You were a little embarrassed you were in your pajamas, suddenly.

Blinking and clearing your head, you spoke -a little awkwardly, "I got you some medicine to help with the... the headache."

Rick pushed his lips together, almost like he wasn't sure what to do -hands grabbing at each other, and rocking a little on his feet. It was like he wanted to say something or do something, but he just couldn't find the words or maybe the will.

He laughed, a little nervously, "Thanks, I... I'm not sure what to say."

You swallowed, before deciding to say, "You don't have to say anything, I get it. You were stranded, you were drunk out of your mind. I'm glad to help. Really."

"Stranded?" He questioned, and you wordlessly handed him the medicine -hands brushing against his. You ignored it.

"Well, yeah," you said, now a little uncertain, "-I can't imagine your visit was planned. I... You said Shane told you to come here, so I assumed he ditched you somewhere. Because he would, if given the chance."

Rick laughed a little at the private knowledge of your friend but there was something strained there -hidden. You weren't sure if you should ask.

"Look," you exhaled, "-I'm not going to poke and prod. I know I've... missed somethings but that's nobody's fault but mine. So-"

Rick seemed to look at you a type of way then, and your mind chimed that 'he knew'.

"I'm not going to ask you anything," you finished, wringing your hands -keeping them busy, "-you don't... you don't have to tell me anything either. I... Yeah."

"Why not?" He offered, and you could tell somehow he was a little disheartened -it made guilt curl up in your stomach.

"It's been five years," you laughed, incredulously, "-I kind of stopped talking to you, Shane, and Lori without warning."

He seemed to flinch slightly at the names, and you had another worried thought -trying to read him ever-so-slightly, "I didn't reach out to ya either."

"That's not-"

"In fact, I remember we stopped invitin' ya," Rick clarified, stepping closer.

"Only because I wasn't showing up," you countered, "-or I was leaving early, or wasn't really... there."

He hummed a little, and you could tell he was processing it all.

"I just, I'm sorry," you finally said, "-I had a lot going on then, and I felt like... That doesn't matter, I'm just sorry for everything."

Something passed through his eyes then, and you thought maybe it was understanding. He knew of your... thing, and he wasn't stupid. You knew he could connect the dots, you just hoped he wouldn't say anything about them. You couldn't handle that.

"It matters," he responded, slowly, "-Ya know, I tried... I tried to see you after we stopped invitin' ya, and your place was up for rent. Door was locked, but I asked the neighbors and they said you'd been gone for months."

You didn't think that he would come looking for you, any of them really. Your paths in life had just diverted and you thought it was a clean break, but... it wasn't. Rick was worrying about you through it all.

Before you could voice anything more, he continued, "They didn't even know where ya went."

I looked for you went unsaid. Your stomach tossed with guilt, a heavy feeling in your gut. It was for the best, but he didn't quite know that.

Well, he did actually. He knew exactly why you had disappeared, so why was he talking about this? Did he want to... Did he want to hear it from you? Confirm it?

Did he not believe it?

You sighed, clearing your throat, "I just needed a fresh start. I was... I was struggling there, and needed someplace new."

"Why didn't ya talk to me?"

God, you were getting into this now. You really, really did not want to. Maybe you could just-

"I would've," he started, slow, and something in him read as guilty, "-I would've done what I could to help."

"Rick," you exhaled, "-I know that. But what was happening then... couldn't be helped. It was something I had to navigate on my own."

"But-"

"Look, Rick," you cleared your throat, "-that was a long time ago, and I feel like all we're doing is dredging up old feelings. That I really..."

You trailed off, eyes getting foggy, before centering yourself and clearing your throat, "Just know, I had a reason, a good reason to leave you guys. I maybe didn't do it right, but I did it how I had to."

Rick was looking at you like you were a shining gem, precious; like the world was a storm and he wanted to shelter you, protect you from it. You weren't sure how to process that, so you just decided not to then.

He seemed to pause for a moment, before asking, gently, "What exactly did I tell ya last night?"

"Only a little," you clarified, "-uh, Shane told you to come here, and that you and Lori... um, aren't together anymore."

"Nothing else?"

You sighed, voice catching in your throat, "I really don't want to do this, Rick."

"Do what?" He asked, brow quirked.

"I've already-" you clenched your fingernails into your palms, "Okay, I know what Shane said to you. You told me last night, okay? We don't have to talk about it."

"I want to," he spoke, stepping closer.

You groaned, "Why? Why does it matter?"

"I just want to know-"

"If it's true?" You interrupted, before letting out a long intake of breath, voice shaking -no time better than now, "-Because if that's what you want to know, I can answer it. Yes. Yes, it's true."

Rick seemed to pause for a moment, something smoothing through his eyes.

"I left because of it," you clarified, as well, answering all the questions he could ask, "-and I wasn't... I wasn't ever going to tell you."

The silence was overwhelming then, as you sucked in a breath and kept your eyes trained on the floor. Your heart beating so fast in your chest, it made your head go fuzzy -your legs felt a little weak. You must've wobbled a little, because-

"Woah," he rushed to your side, one hand holding your waist, "-c'mon, let's sit you down, sweetheart."

It was instinctual, the name, and it wasn't like it was the first time you'd heard it from him. But even so, it just confused you. Everything about Rick Grimes calmed you down, but everything about your feelings made you lose it. The balance was strung so tight, you didn't know how to react.

Now, he sat across from you on the coffee table, long legs bumping into your knees -one hand sturdily on your shoulder, trying to meet your eyes. He just wanted to see if you were okay.

"I'm fine," you breathed out -meeting his eyes, "-just. I'm fine."

Rick nodded, and hesitantly pulled his hand back -you could still feel the warmth sprouted there. It made your head swirl, and part of you wanted to scream your lungs out; you can't still feel it now, that's not fair.

"Can I tell ya something?"

"What is..." you pursued, "-something?"

"A story," he clarified, hands fidgeting, "-I told you 'bout me and Lori, I want to be more specific."

"Rick, you don't have to-"

He laid a hand on your knee, ever so slightly touching -it cut the words from your lips, "I want to."

You didn't say a word.

"Few years, after you left," he started, "-I got hurt on the job. Ended up in pursuit unprepared, and the guy got my shoulder."

His hand seemed to move to the shoulder on instinct, though the scar was hidden under the shirt. You wondered for a moment what it would look like, before washing the idea of his skin out of your brain.

"Shane still your partner? Or-" you rambled a little, "-I know you guys planned it like that."

"Yeah," he smiled, "-Shane was there, kept me awake. But I... I ended up in the hospital for about a year. Half in a coma, and the other half making sure I wouldn't go back into one-"

"Jesus Christ," you muttered out, instinctually.

"And that last day," he started, something in his voice tightening, and on instinct, your hand shot to his leg -comforting. His eyes lingered on it a bit too long, before he slowly placed his palm on top of your skin and gently flipped your hand over. Calloused fingertips wrapped around your hand, and suddenly, they were intertwined -out of his own volition.

You swallowed back the flutter of butterflies in your stomach, you're just comforting him, focus.

"Lori was pregnant," Rick sighed out, big and long -something in him hurt, but something far bigger past it. You could tell, he had processed a lot of this.

"But you were-"

Rick just looked at you then, thumb rhythmically rubbing the skin on the back of your hand.

Oh.

"Shane...?" You offered slowly, carefully.

He exhaled, shakily, and you squeezed his palm -his eyes lingering on it far too long again, "They'd been together for a while. Didn't tell me how long, but I could guess."

You frowned.

"I felt so... so betrayed, and alone-" he started, and there was something heavy in his voice then, "-all I could think about was you."

"Rick," you nearly cooed.

"If," he swallowed, looking up to stop the tears from coming out (you had the thought they weren't for the infidelity, not anymore), "-If you felt like this, and 'at's why you left. I just felt so..."

"That's not fair to yourself," you explained, "-you were going through something so different. I-"

"Was I?" He offered, "-Really? 'Cause I think it was the same sort of feelin'-"

"No, no," you responded, "-very different, Rick. You... You hadn't been kicked out of your own will, I... I was. I can't imagine what you went through."

"You kinda can," he hummed out, and you got the impression he was talking about your feelings. Sure, you'd been heartbroken for years but that was nothing compared to the betrayal he'd experienced.

"Rick, we never-" you cleared your throat before starting again, "-I never said anything. There was nothing built up like you were with Lori, the walls didn't crumble. It was just... me."

He seemed like he wanted to say something in particular to you then, but he seemed to swipe it out of his head. Like maybe he was waiting.

"They're gettin' married," he exhaled, and your heart froze, "-'s why I was 'ere. Shane's bachelor party."

"Jesus Christ, Rick, what the hell-"

"Don't worry 'bout me," he looked at you, straight in the eyes, "-I'm past it, really. Just... brings up a lot."

"I know, but still-" you hissed out, a little frustrated, "-maybe I can show up uninvited and spill wine on her dress. Ooh, or stomp on Shane's toes-"

Rick laughed then, and you felt something in your gut warm at the noise, even more, when you saw the smile slip across his lips. There was something in his eyes that was twinkling and warm, you couldn't quite name it but had seen it before.

"Shane told me a few years back," he suddenly spoke, eyes focused on you -you wanted to squirm a little in your seat.

"Told you what? About him and Lori?"

"No, that you..." he clarified, words stuttering to a stop. Something in your gut snapped, and words just started coming out.

"Look, Rick," you echoed, a little distantly, but meaning all the same, "-you don't have to pity me. I know it's been a long fucking time, since we were kids, but-"

His face seemed to slow, something in his mind, "Since we were kids?"

Shit.

"Forget that I said that," you cleared your throat, mind running a mile a minute and feeling the fluster crawl up your throat (you tried to pull away your hand but he kept it tight), "-please. This is embarrassing enough."

"It's not," he spoke, comforting, "-don't be embarrassed. I'm just... I'm shocked. I never knew 'at... as far as high school?"

You sighed, succumbing, "Before I even met you. I was a member of the school population, about 80 percent of those people were into you so-"

"Yeah, sure," he hummed, a little in disbelief, "-but you?"

You didn't know exactly what that meant or what to say to that. It almost seemed like he was saying that you were leagues above him which was... unbelievable to say the least.

"I didn't know you were an option," he mumbled out, "-at all. I thought..."

"You really can't be this surprised."

"I am!" He offered in response, and you absent-mindedly noticed that he was still holding your hand. You tugged at it but he still didn't let up.

"There were other tutors, ya know," Rick mumbled out, slow and in a barely-there whisper.

"Of course," you laughed, "-it's high school."

"I didn't," he started, fidgeting with your hand, grip still solid but he was playing with your fingers, "-I didn't actually need the tutoring."

"Why would you-"

"'Thought ya were cute," he offered, and you swallowed heavily -trying again to pull your hand away. Focus. What could you even focus on anymore?

"Rick, don't-" your voice shook, and you pulled your hand back finally, "-don't do that."

"Do what?" He questioned, big blue eyes and your stomach was twisted in knots. You couldn't do this, not now.

"There's no," you echoed out, standing up and taking steps away from him, "-there was no us, and it's been five years. You don't even know me anymore."

"I want to," he stood, matching your eyes -something in him nearly pleading, "-I really want to."

You took a shaky breath in, taking some more steps back, "Rick, your mind is not clear. Your ex-wife is marrying the man she had an affair with, you are just lonely. And I will not be wanted because... because you just want to feel loved."

"I'm not," he breathed, desperately like the oxygen was being sucked out of his lungs, "-Y/N, I'm not-"

"I won't," you repeated, your eyes getting foggy and voice shaky, "-I won't, Rick. That's not fair."

"Look at me, sweetheart," he was soft and gentle, stepping forward and tilting your face up with his hands, "-I'm not."

"You-"

"I've had years to... to process me and Lori," he explained, slow and patient, "-and a few months after 'at Shane told me. I've had years to... to process you."

"I don't-" you exhaled.

"'S all new to me, but-" He dropped his hands to yours -wrapping his around them, "-I know I feel somethin'. Felt somethin' even then, I just didn't... know it."

"Rick, please," you hummed out, "-I can't do this. I really can't. It's been years-"

"I came lookin' for ya for a reason," he continued, moving his head to match your eyes, "-Shane didn't just drop me off. I got drunk for courage, and I don't think either of us knew just how much."

"You were here for me? I thought you said-"

"'Is bachelor party was a few cities over," he explained, "-Shane recognized the city name, and we got a cab."

"That is so stupid," you chastised, "-is Shane still out there? You guys could've-"

"He called Lori," he quickly interrupted, trying to soothe you, "-Think she picked 'im up."

"You think?"

"No, okay, she did," he reassured, his hands coming to rest on your arms, "-I know I wouldn't 'ave left if she didn't."

"Good," your breaths slowed, "-okay."

"Y/N," he started again, and you just couldn't.

"No, don't-" you began, but then you looked at him. Really looked at him. He was looking at you so carefully, like if he said a wrong word, you'd disappear. Or maybe like he could hardly believe you were standing in front of him.

Maybe he really-

You pursed your lips, letting out a long sigh, "Okay, look. I'll make you a deal."

Rick raised an eyebrow but still seemed so very eager. Excited even, you bit back a smile.

"When's the wedding?" You asked, gears turning in your head.

"A few months from now," he answered, and you could tell he was a little confused -the furrow of his brow and quirk of his lip. He was still so much the same.

"If you," you held his hands between the two of you, "-if you still feel the same then, we'll talk."

"'At's-" he opened his mouth.

"Your best friend and ex-wife are getting married, Rick," you reiterated, "-you do not have a clear mind, I can't believe it. But if you, by some miraculous reason, do, your feelings shouldn't change."

He pursed his lips, something shadowing over his face, sighing, "Okay."

"Don't make that face," you groaned, "-what I'm saying is completely sensible."

"It is," he agreed before his features fell into something else, "-just didn't wanna wait anymore, I guess."

"You're not going to guilt me, Grimes."

His eyes twinkled -mischievously, settling into a blinding smile and throwing your hands down in defeat, "'S worth a try."

"Plus," you added, "-we can catch up on what we missed. Might be nice."

"Ya don't 'ave to convince me anymore," he laughed, "-I'm doin' it."

You smiled at that, and his only got brighter because of it. You schooled your racing heart back into place.

"Friends?" You offered your hand for a shake -expectantly.

He smiled then, it reached his eyes and was all crinkly, "Friends."

[builtbybrokenbells]

CAPITAL VICES | ENVY

Envy: the intense desire to have something that someone else possesses.

Masterlist

Listen while reading: Poison - Alice Cooper

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f!reader

Word Count: 15.5k

Warnings: SMUT 18+, unprotected sex, semi-public sex, oral (f!receiving), fingering (f!receiving), dom/sub, sir kink, praise, degradation, bratty sub, lots of dirty talk, name calling, overstimulation, forced orgasm if you squint, drinking, swearing, fighting, mentions of cheating, mentions of breakups/breakups, mentions of hookups, mentions of substance/addiction/withdrawal, mentions of divorce/bad past relationships, mentions of death/dying, mentions of loss of a parent/grief, guilt, regret, depression, general sadness, anxiety, jealousy/possessiveness, very brief mention of guns, sorry if i miss any!

😘 as always, enjoy, be kind, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes!!

The haze of smoke in the room was becoming overwhelming, and even though it would normally be enticing, now it seemed nothing short of a nuisance. A basket of fries sat in front of you, ketchup lazily pooling next to the pile of fried food. Although originally put there for a dipping sauce, now it’s only purpose was to make the fries soggy and even more unappetizing. Your hunger seemed to have fled you, but in truth, never really existed in the first place. You only convinced yourself to order it as an attempt to resume some sort of normalcy to what life was like months ago. A triple whiskey sat in front of you, deliciously tempting, but the exact opposite of what you needed to feel better. Ray approached you, a knowing look in his eye and his usual, raggedy towel slung over his shoulder.

“Been a while, darlin’.” He leaned on the countertop, looking down at your untouched order. “Missed ya.”

“Yeah, I guess it has.” You chuckled, swirling your ice around your glass. “How’ve you been?”

“Livin’.” He replied, taking a long look over your face. “And you?”

“Oh, you know.” You forced a smile onto your lips, beginning to realize that coming out was the worst thing you could have done. “Working, sleeping, and working some more. An exciting life I live.” You neglected to mention the days of wallowing that had come before your arrival at the bar and the horrific heartbreak you were experiencing. Now that you did not have Jake to occupy your time, you had decided to return to your weekly Friday night routine; drinking yourself into oblivion at the bar and falling asleep alone. What used to be so fantastic was now gut-wrenching, and the thought of returning to an empty bed was killing you.

It had been about a week since your blowout with Jake, and he did well to heed your wishes. Not once had he tried to reach out, and neither did you. As the days dragged on and no contact was had, you slowly started to understand that the relationship was over, and all you could do was mourn what was once so beautiful. Instead of trying to fix things, you thought it was easier to tend to your wounds in seclusion and move forward with your life instead. You hadn’t even so much as looked at a picture of him or spoken his name, and you didn’t plan on it. If you knew one thing about healing, it was that doubling back only ever made it hurt worse.

You missed him, but not nearly enough to lose your dignity by begging for him to come back. If he did not want you, and sex was the only thing you were good for, so be it. He got his fill, and you would not lose any more respect for yourself by running back to him and trying to get him to see you were worth more than that.

“Not spending time with that guy who was with you the other night?” He asked, raising an eyebrow as he waited for a response.

“No, definitely not.” You gave a chuckle, shaking your head. “Waste of my time, Ray.” You reminded, forcing him to recall your many drunken ramblings about men.

“He do wrong by you?” He asked, trying to get to the bottom of your quiet brooding. You shifted in your seat, taking a long sip from your beverage.

“No,” you shook your head. “I started it.” You confessed.

“Don’t think you’d be this upset if he didn’t do anything wrong.” He said, polishing the rims of a few glasses that just came from the dishwasher. You shrugged your shoulders, finding the familiar burn of the whiskey comforting. Finally, you seemed to find some sort of connection to the version of you that lived before Jake, even if it was through cheap liquor and the company of an old bartender.

“He did, but the blame is still on me. He might have done wrong, but I was the one who let him.” You let your eyes focus on the grain of the wood in the bar counter, finding it easier to avoid eye contact.

“Darlin’, I think it’s time you stop blaming yourself for everything. What others do to you isn’t your fault, and you’re allowed to be mad at someone other than yourself.” He sat another drink in front of you, noticing you were already running low on liquor. “That one’s on the house.”

“Four daughters really taught you a thing or two about advice.” You gave a solenn smile. “I’ll try my best.”

“Four daughters gave me a lot more than good advice.” He chuckled, wiping down the table as he spoke. The fatherly tone sent your heart into agony. He was so proud of his children, and nearly every time you visited the bar, you heard about all of their accomplishments and struggles. It was a beautiful thing to see a father love his children so dearly, but you could not refute the jealousy that plagued you every time you listened to the stories.

It was not jealousy over the fact you did not have a good father and they did, because in your opinion, your father was the best one in the entire world. You were jealous that yours was not around to speak such admiration about you to others, and he was not there to pat you on the back and speak his own advice. You missed him with a fervor, and in the last week, it was more intense than it had been in a very long time. You wished so badly that you could have your dad by your side, speaking truth about the stupidity of boys and speaking praise about how you were better than what Jake made you feel.

Your mother, of course, could do all of the same things, and your sister too, but it was not the same. Missing your father was the most difficult thing you had ever done, and it made you want to seclude yourself until the pain passed through. You did not want to reach out to the rest of your family for the same formalities; he was the only person who could truly make you feel better, and it had always been that way. You were angry that he was not here to help you through what seemed like your biggest heartbreak yet, even including the broken marriage that crumbled before you ever grew into an adult.

The heartbreak Jake had caused was violent, devastating and above all, deadly. It came about in such a way because your feelings for him creeped up on you, silent and unforgiving as you fell hopelessly in love with him. You had never got along with anyone else so swimmingly, and nobody else in the world had ever made you feel like he did. Most of all, it hurt so badly because he was the last person in the world you expected to hurt you.

He was the first person you trusted enough to know such intimate details about your life, and the first person in which you opened up to without a paralyzing amount of fear. You knew that you had done wrong, and you should not have let your past experience define what could have been with Jake, and if you could, you would take it all back in a heartbeat. You wished you had the ability to respond without all of the defenses you built up so high, and you wished that you could have swallowed your pride enough to realize that all he wanted to do was care for you. You loved Jake more than you ever thought you could, and if you had the chance to do it all again with the same outcome, you still would.

You knew that his response was due to his own hurt, but it did not take away from the things he said to you. You hurt him so much by rejecting him so bluntly and without hesitation, and you regretted it immensely. Jake was the last person you wanted to treat so poorly, because he was the first person to show you kindness at the hands of another. But, when you thought about his harshness for too long, a wave of nauseous overtook you and tears filled your eyes. You had hurt him, but he had hurt you just the same. You did not want to blame him for his actions, especially knowing that they came from a place of pain, but you could not choke down the bitter taste of his insults. If he could change his mind so quickly, you worried that maybe he thought that way all along.

The hurt also stemmed from your complete transparency with him. You opened up, told him more than you’d ever told anyone else, and moments later, he threw your relationship back in your face and denounced it to meaningless sex. To you, the sex was all but meaningless, and you truly thought it meant just as much to him. After the months of shared nights and memories that would stick with you for a lifetime, you hoped that you meant more to him than sexual gratification. You poured your heart out to him, telling stories of a failed marriage and a dead father in hopes that he would keep it safe and maybe in turn, take some weight off your shoulders. It was incredibly difficult for you to tell him so much, especially when you dedicated your entire life to keeping it hidden. It killed you to know that he would turn into a stranger again even after knowing you so well, and that your biggest secrets were in the hands of someone who you no longer wanted to know.

You were so caught up in your internal brooding that you didn't even notice Ray leave your side, nor did you hear the chime of the bell sound above the front door. It was not like you would have turned to look anyway; your interest in anything other than getting drunk was greatly lacking, and worrying about what others were doing would only hold you back from your intentions. If you found yourself concerned about the happenings of everyone else, it was take too long to get to the level of drunkenness you aspired to be, and you would have to stay at the bar far longer than you wanted.

You were a creature of habit, and despite your lack of desire to be at the bar, you needed to feel like yourself again. The only way you could do that was to carry on as if Jake Kiszka never stumbled into your life at all.

Your second drink was threatening the end when you felt someone take a seat beside you. You would not have turned to look if they did not extend a warm greeting, and even then, you wished you had ignored it.

“Hey, Josh.” You forced a smile, knowing that he was the worst person you could have encountered, only second to Jake himself.

“Fancy meeting you here, friend who is a girl.” You were certain that he had just reached out and stabbed you in the chest. The pain was unbearable, and it was nearly blinding. You kept your eyes glued to the glass in your hand, unsure if you could maintain eye contact without breaking down. Then, a fleeting feeling of fear ran through you. ‘Friend who is a girl’ was an awfully endearing term for someone who just broke his twin brothers heart. Either Josh did not know what transpired between you and Jake, or he was exceptionally good at hiding it.

“It is my favourite bar, after all.” You tried to joke with him, but it only made your chest ache with even more intensity.

“I knew there was a reason Jake suggested this place.” He chuckled, having an a-ha moment as he pieced the puzzle together. “It all makes sense now.” He gave an airy sigh, turning to the bartender to order a drink. “And one for her too, please.”

“Oh, Josh, no need for that-“

“I insist.” He was so similar to his brother that it was scary. As you waited for the drinks, you pondered his elusive words for a moment. From all that you knew about Josh, he did not seem deceitful in the slightest. If anything, he seemed like he was a terrible liar. Josh did not know a single thing that transpired, and you would be damned if you were the one to tell him.

Then, an evil idea infiltrated your sorrowful mind. If you pushed Josh in the right direction, he might have the answers to all of the questions you’d been wondering about in the past week.

Your sin had not only effected your relationship with Jake; now, it seemed to have an impact on every aspect of your life, including relationships with even the furthest of acquaintances.

“So Jake wanted to come here tonight?” You asked, trying your best to put on a mask of confidence. You yourself had never been very well versed in deceit, but you knew that it was your only shot at getting any real answers. God knows you would never reach out to Jake yourself, and his twin brother seemed to be the only chance at finding out the truth.

“Yeah, he was pretty adamant about it. I wasn’t sure why until I walked in and saw you sitting up here all alone.” He gave you a grin, turning to thank the bartender as he slid the drinks your way. “I’ll start a tab, too.” Ray nodded, raising an eyebrow at you, the expression full of inquiry. You waved him off, making it clear that you would stay to chat about it later.

“Thank you,” you replied, taking a sip from your new beverage. He shrugged you off, the gesture small and nothing that was requiring of a thanks.

“Jake was sick all week, so when he asked us all to come out, we jumped at the chance. He skipped practice and everything, which is really unlike him. I’ve seen him pick up that guitar with pneumonia.” He chuckled.

“Oh, wow. I didn’t know.” You breathed, realizing then that he took the separation just as hard as you did.

“I’m surprised you didn’t catch it from him. He was so sick he couldn’t even get out of bed. I went over to his place once, but he was asleep so I just let him be.” Josh had no idea, but you were indeed suffering from the same sickness that Jake had. Heartbreak was more deadly than any other virus, and the two of you were plagued with it. Apparently Jake had the same idea as you and was hoping for a peaceful night to drink the despair away. Or, he was plotting for the absolute opposite.

“Yeah, that is strange. He never told me he was sick.” You muttered, lying through your teeth. Of course he didn’t tell you he was sick; he hadn’t told you anything at all since the last time you saw him.

“So was this planned, or is he just pulling a classic Jake move and hoping he’ll run into you?” Josh raised an eyebrow.

“Definitely not planned, so it must be the latter.” You took another long drink from your glass, wondering when the whiskey would satiate the hurt in your heart. When the burn did not even come close to the painful ache, you worried that it might be permanent.

“Something on your mind, friend who is definitely not a girlfriend? You seem off.” You caught his eye, nearly laughing at his statement. He was correct, you were definitely not a girlfriend, and now it was unlikely that you ever would be. You hated the fact that the option was no longer possible, because being his girlfriend no longer seemed like the worst thing in the world. If anything, you almost liked the idea.

“Lots, but nothing important.” You admitted, knowing that you could never profess such feelings to the brother of the man you loved so deeply. Telling Josh before Jake would be blasphemous, and you could not bring yourself to involve him in the mess you made. Well, any further, anyway.

“I think it’s important,” he assured you, trying to hold your gaze in hopes that his eyes would speak the truth better than his words could. You gave him a soft smile, appreciating his kindness but painfully aware that you were undeserving of it. Once he knew the truth, you were certain he would like you a lot less than he did in that moment. You felt guilty that you were maintaining a conversation with him after hurting Jake so much, but you could not explain your need to talk to him. He was the closest thing you had to a friend, even if you did not know him very well. More than that, he reminded you of the boy you missed with such intensity. When you spoke to him, he gave that same sense of home, even if he was not the home you were in need of. He was the vacation while you awaited retirement.

“It’s just work stuff. Had a particularly hard client, and I’m just trying to forget about it.” You lied with ease, the dishonesty beginning to turn your soul black and your morals upside down. For your entire life, you valued the truth, and ever since you met Jake, it seemed like you’d forgotten all about it. You lied to him about your feelings, and now you were lying to his brother, too. You were unrecognizable, the sinful months beginning to morph you into someone you tried so hard to run away from. The devil worked fast, and you had not yet found the strength to tell him to stop. You worried that if you could not find the courage soon enough, you would never recover.

“I’m sure you’ll prove them wrong. If you’re as talented as Jake says you are, I’m not sure how anyone could be dissatisfied with your work.” His name sent another blow straight to your stomach.

When a hand was placed on his shoulder and his attention was pulled in another direction, you were thankful for the break. You needed a moment to regain yourself, and you could not do that with Josh’s burning stare and reassuring words pointed at you. The guilt was eating you alive, and you knew you would have to come up with an excuse to evade his company if you wanted to make it through the night alive.

When you managed to catch your breath and settle the erratic nature of your heart, a hand landed on your own shoulder. You looked back, hoping to find one of the other two boys that did not have any affect on you, but instead, you were met with a sinking feeling in your stomach and an emotionally heavy gaze. You couldn’t believe that he approached you first, but as you looked over at Josh’s smiling face, you realized that it was likely all for the appearance. So, in hopes of avoiding and awkward questions, you threw on your biggest smile of the night.

“Jacob,” you greeted, trying to appear comfortable under his burning touch and unwavering stare. There was an obvious hint of reluctance in his eye which easily confirmed your worry. He was only talking to you on behalf of hiding the truth from Josh. You expected to be greeted with anger, or even distaste for him catching you sitting with his brother, but it did not seem like he felt that way at all. If anything, you felt that behind the reluctance to speak to you, pain was pooling in his expression.

“Long time no see, sweetheart.” The pet name sent your blood cold. What once was so comforting and sweet now seemed like an insult, or a backhanded gesture to get the last laugh.

“Will she be joining our soirée tonight?” Josh asked his brother. The two of you shared a look, and eventually you turned to Josh with a small shake of your head. In that moment, he realized the depth of the situation and a sense of sympathy formed on his face. “I see,” he said, taking a drink from his cup to avoid the awkwardness of speaking again.

“Could I… would you mind… I’d just like a minute alone with him, if that’s alright.” You struggled through the statement, anxiety written all over you. You had no idea what you were doing, but you were too far gone to stop yourself, now. Something about Jake made it so difficult to think before acting.

“Oh, yeah, f’course.” Josh said, nearly tripping over himself to stand. “I’ll grab that booth over there. I’m sure Sam and Daniel will be joining us soon.” He said, not waiting around for a second longer. You watched as Josh disappeared, almost immediately regretting your decision to stay. After a few moments of awkward silence filled with background chatter and obnoxious music, you managed to turn to face him.

“Can you… sit for a minute?” You mumbled, embarrassed to be taking the step. You didn’t notice it, but he was overjoyed that you spoke to him at all. He did come to the bar with intent to find you there, but he certainly did not expect a friendly conversation from you.

“Sure,” he bit down on his tongue, holding back the term of endearment that was begging to be said. He took post in the stool that Josh had previously occupied, looking down at his hands for a moment to gain enough courage to meet your eyes.

You did not know what you were doing, only what you felt in your heart. Had you stopped yourself from speaking and thought about the repercussions, you would have realized how bad of an idea it was to talk to him.

“I’m sorry,” you breathed, looking over at his face.

Maybe you even would have understood that apologizing was giving him the key to your heart again, which would inevitably land you just as hurt and broken as you had been all week.

Doubling back on your promise to stay away from him was essentially pointing a loaded gun at your head, and talking to him was equal to pulling the trigger.

“You’re sorry?” He asked, appalled at the thought of you apologizing. When you asked him to sit, he’d been preparing for the cruelest of insults and the worst of your thoughts. “No, angel. I’m sorry.” You has completely thrown him off track, and every thought he had while waking into the bar no longer existed. The only thing that mattered was your sad eyes and your heart that was splayed so delicately on your sleeve. The hurt was gone, replaced with the longing he’d been burying deep inside himself.

“You don’t need to be.” You shook your head. “Well, you do, but not nearly as much as I should be.” You did not have intent to rekindle the relationship, but you did want to settle the score.

At least that’s what you were trying to convince yourself. As you repeated it in your head, your hands were desperate to reach out for him and your body was aching to be held by him again.

“I shouldn’t have responded like that.” You let out a long breath, trying to gather your thoughts as you poured your heart out to him. “I, uh, I don’t like falling in love, and relationships terrify me, but you didn’t deserve that.” You had no idea why you were trying so hard with him, and no idea why you hoped that he would understand. You didn’t want to be with him, and you didn’t want him to feel like that was your intent. It was better left unsaid, but for some reason, you could not will yourself to walk away from him. Even more so, you could not let him walk away from you again. “I do care about you, Jake. I just don’t really know how to do that anymore, and when you said it so bluntly, it scared the shit out of me.”

“Oh.” He breathed, enthralled in the details of your face. He felt himself falling for you all over again, and this time, it did not scare him nearly as much as the last. You tried to deny it, but you felt the familiar gravitational pull pushing you towards him. You were enamoured with him from the minute you caught sight of his face. “I shouldn’t have thrown it on you like that. It was unfair, and I can see that now. I just… it felt right, and I couldn’t stop myself.” He admitted, almost appearing nervous as he tried his best to be transparent with you the same way you were with him. “I promised you, y/n, and I hate that I couldn’t keep it.” You swallowed thickly, your eyes darting to the whiskey glass in your hand.

“I guess I didn’t keep my promise very well, either.” You chuckled. “I couldn’t even admit it, even if we were playing house every day.” You sipped your drink, hoping that it might calm your nerves. When he looked as if he was waiting for you to continue, you did. “I care about you a lot, Jake. So much that it scares me. I felt it, too, and I don’t know why I couldn’t just say it, or at least respond with less… crazy.” You laughed. For the first time since he’d joined you that night, a smile crossed his lips, too. It was blinding, the kind that you couldn’t fake, and it warmed your heart.

“You’ve always been more than sex.” He confessed, profound and sincere. “You are worth the whole world and more, and I’m sorry that I said that. I didn’t mean it, but it doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.” You were so relieved that you felt tears begin to prickle your eyes. For the first time since he walked out of your house that night, the world did not feel like it was ending. “And you look stunning tonight, as always.”

“Don’t push it, Jacob.” You giggled, feeling the need to lean over and kiss him. You held back, not out of fear of love, but because you worried he might not want it. There was no way you could stop yourself if he leaned in first, and the more the seconds passed, the more comfortable you grew with the thought.

“You remember the last time we sat here?” He raised an eyebrow, leaning into you so similar to how he did that very first night.

“How could I forget?” You rolled your eyes. “Pretty sure you were wearing the same, tacky dress pants.”

“And you were just as insulting.” He teased, but the look in his eye lead you to believe he was not hurt by your words. Instead, he seemed estatic to hear that same tone of voice again.

“Two condoms in your wallet?” You bit back a smile.

“Three, actually.” He corrected. “Was hoping I could find someone who I could keep with me all weekend.” The look in his eye darkened slightly, letting you know he was thinking of all the filthy things the two of you could get up to with three, uninterrupted days.

“Maybe you’re looking in the wrong place.” You offered, pretending as if you weren’t thinking of the exact same things.

“Am I?” He challenged, leaning just a bit closer. “Don’t tell me I have to do this all over again.”

“A little courtship wouldn’t kill you, Jacob.” You swung your chair in his direction, facing him with the playful look in your eye he loved so much. “How bad do you want it?” You pressed further, leaning down slightly so he had a clear view of the cleavage your dress was allowing.

“I don’t even think I could make it to the bathroom, this time.” The seriousness in his tone was chilling, and in a moment of sheer irrationality, your hand reached over and rested on his. The moment contradicted all he had been afraid of, and although the gesture was small, it was more permissive than anything you’d done in the time you knew him.

He stood, moving towards you and capturing your face in his hands. With great intensity, he leaned down and placed his lips to yours. The kiss was heated, letting you know that he’d been thinking about it just as much as you had in the time spent apart, and neither of you wanted it to end.

For a moment, things seemed perfect.

But, you were far too grown to believe that perfection was possible, and your judgement was momentarily clouded by the yearning of your heart.

When you lived a lifestyle as sinful as yours, the devil had a helping hand in every aspect, and God did not have enough sympathy to grant you enough grace to allow for a moment of peace.

“Too much to say I missed you?” He mumbled against your lips, dreading the moment in which he would have to part from you. It was a phrase the two of you used often, and the answer was almost the same every single time.

“Just enough.” You replied, your heart begging to burst from your chest.

The problem was nowhere near resolved, and all you had done was found an island after being stranded in the ocean. It allowed for temporary relief, but not salvation.

“Can I buy you a drink to make up for it?”

“If we’re keeping score, I’d owe you plenty of drinks.”

“This is more than enough for me, angel.” He assured you, his lips still hovering over your own.

“One drink, then, and I’ll make it up to you later.” You offered, giving him a sly smile. The filthy invitation was subtle, but he could read you like a book. Filthy was the only thing the two of you knew, and it would not be easy to break out of it, even if you both committed to trying.

“Can we skip to that part? I don’t know if I can wait that long.”

“So impatient, Jacob.” You let out a disapproving tsk. “I heard once that the wait makes it all the better.”

“What can I say, sweetheart. You always bring out the worst in me.” His thumb drifted over your cheek, the glimmer of love in his eye returning as if it never left. “Besides, I think we have a lot of time to make up for.” His other hand landed on your thigh, just below the ending of the skirt of your dress. The touch was light, but electrifying. You knew that you could search to the ends of the earth, and you would still never find anyone who even came close to Jake.

“Don’t get yourself worked up, honey. It’ll be a long night for you.” You reached out, your hand landing on his side as you pulled him closer.

“For me?” He raised an eyebrow. The two words sent a rush of arousal straight to your core, and for a moment, you thought you would allow him to fuck you right over the bar top if it meant you could have him again. “Careful, angel. Would hate to have to remind you of who’s in charge.” You squeezed your thighs together to satiate the ache that was steadily growing. He noticed the tense of your muscles under his hand, a wicked look in his eye forming as he realized the mess he was causing between your legs.

“A double whiskey, please.” You tried to keep your voice as strong as possible, but the words came out strained. You were desperate to change the topic, but he was never one to give up so easily. He tightened his fingers around your leg for just a moment, the familiar smirk growing on his lips as he stepped away.

“Whatever you want, baby.” He hummed as he took a seat again, waiting for the bartender to return to the two of you. “Just be sure that’s what you want.” He said, looking over his shoulder at Ray who was serving a group of older men.

“What game are you playing, Jacob?”

“No games,” he promised “I’m just saying, if you want something, don’t be scared to ask for it.” At his words, something inside you snapped. You stood, not the least bit worried about your bluntness, and gave him a hard stare.

‘Self-righteous prick’ you thought to yourself. ‘God, I love it.’

“Meet me in the bathroom.” You said, only loud enough for him to hear. Hiding a smile, he watched you as you stormed towards the bathroom, his eyes focused intently on your ass. With a shrug of his shoulders, he finished the last of your drink, waiting only a moment before he stalked off in the same direction, uncaring about anyone catching you two in the act. When he approached the door to the bathroom, he took a deep breath to calm himself.

He raised his hand to knock on the door, but you swung it open and pulled him inside before his fist even had the chance to hit the wood. Before the door was closed behind you, your lips connected with his in a fervent embrace. As you attempted to push the door shut, your other hand was already unbuttoning his infuriatingly attractive shirt. His hands were on you, roaming every exposed inch of you and familiarizing himself with the feeling of you on his skin.

“And I’m the impatient one?” He smirked against your kiss, unable to hold back his thoughts.

“Shut the fuck up.” You muttered, finally managing to free the last button from his shirt. He reached up, tangling your curled hair in his fist and holding it tightly.

“Watch your fucking mouth.” He warned. Just because he had missed you did not mean that he was willing to give up the control.

“Shut the fuck up, sir.” You repeated, making sure to annunciate the title with as much detail as you could. As much as you missed his company, you missed pushing his buttons far more. “Is that better?

“Do you want me to leave you here all by yourself?” He questioned, the dominance in his voice familiar and incredibly enticing. Perhaps you decided to misbehave just to see it again, because in that moment, you felt at home again. “I will, angel. I’ll go out and order a drink, and you can take care of that ache between your legs all alone.” Your stomach plummeted at the thought of him leaving you on your lonesome. “You don’t like the sound of that, do you?”

“No, sir.” You shook your head, focused on his erection that was pressing into your hip. You doubted that he would do as he said, but you still feared that he might.

“Then lose the fucking attitude.” He ordered, taking a step forward so you were pushed against the wall. “I missed you too, but you need to be good for me, okay? If we’re in here for too long, people are going to notice we’re gone, and then we’ll be in trouble.”

“Okay.” You breathed, agreeing and knowing it was best to get to the point as fast as you could. Avoiding an awkward conversation was in your best interest, and your best interest was his biggest priority. You watched him as he sunk to his knees before you, his fingers bunching up the fabric of your dress and hiking it up to your navel. His lips dusted over your thighs, the sight nearly sending him weak. It had been far too long since he had you like this, but as much as he would have loved to keep you there with him all night, he knew he had to hurry.

“Dressing up for someone, sweetheart?” He asked, letting his fingers trail over the black lace of your thong. He tried to frame his question as inquisitive, but you knew it ran far deeper than teasing you. He was wondering if you had plans to meet with someone else. The thought nearly made him sick, but he felt as though he needed to know the answer.

“No, sir.” You promised. He looked up, catching your eye and living in the moment of sincerity.

“So this is all for me?” He smiled.

“Always.” You reached down, cupping his cheek in your palm. His eyes fluttered closed for a moment, feeling the warmth and wishing it could last forever. His fingers hooked through the sides of your underwear as he slowly pulled them away from your hips. He let the flimsy material fall to your ankles, his eyes heavy and clouded with desire for you.

“You’re too good to me, angel.” He purred, helping you free one leg from the thong. Instead of focusing on the other one, he guided the freed leg over his shoulder and placed a trail of sloppy kisses on the inside of your thigh.

The air between you was different, but in no negative way like you previously thought it would be. It was more passionate, more relaxed, and most of all, more loving. The confession of feelings did not change anything between you two like you feared. It only seemed to made the connection stronger, and so much better. You felt like an idiot for turning him away, and you regretted turning him down without a second thought. All that the two of you were doing was loving; the only difference from then to now was the words being spoken into existence. You cared much too deeply about the small word that held so little value, and not enough about the boy who found home between your legs. Now that you had him again, you vowed to never let yourself be so foolish again.

When his mouth connected with your core, you could not contain the pornographic moan that left your lips. A week to most was nothing, just a small amount of time that was easily forgotten. A week without Jake, however, was no less than torture, especially having left things so badly. The feeling of his tongue on you was addicting, and for the last seven days, you were a woman plagued with the worst of withdrawals. One hundred and sixty eight hours without his touch was excruciating, and ten thousand and eighty minutes without the grace of his presence felt worse than any hell that awaited you in the afterlife.

Any time spent away from Jake was horrible, and you never wanted to be apart from him again.

“Taste just as good as I remember, sweetheart.” He pulled away just long enough to slip in the comment, the husky tone of his voice sending your knees weak. “How fast do you think you can cum for me?”

“I don’t know, baby.” You breathed, already missing the feeling of his mouth. He should have phrased his question better; he was not wondering about your ability to orgasm, but rather how fast he could get you there. The answer was up to him, and he was nothing if not keen on a challenge. Without any further conversation, his tongue had found your clit once again, and this time, he was working with intent. “Oh, fuck.” You whined, tangling your fingers in his hair and tugging at the roots.

The feeling of your fingers knotted in the locks of hair was exhilarating, better than any substance he could imagine. The taste of your arousal on his lips was like heaven, and he was a fool to have walked away from you. You were the best thing his hands ever had the opportunity to touch, and you were the only thing his heart desired. It did not matter if you were in the backseat of a car, or in a dirty bar bathroom, or even laid on the most expensive mattress the world had to offer; the moment was sacred to him, and it had everything to do with you.

He hummed against you, a wordless praise for the beautiful noises slipping past your lips. When you let his name mixed within them, he knew he would never hear a more beautiful sound. He was certain that the world could not offer any more than you, and his name would never sound half as pretty painted on someone else’s lips. He was unequivocally in love with you, and he no longer felt the need to run from it. This was where he was meant to be, foolishly happy and living with his head between your legs.

You let in a sharp intake of breath as he raised his hand to your cunt and slipped his fingers inside of you. Within seconds, he curled his fingers just right and hit the spot inside you only he knew how to find. He knew you better than anyone else in the world, but more than that, he was the only person who cared enough to know you so well. You were a mess, the sounds echoing off the walls adding to the sexual tension in the room and only driving him into a frenzy. Pleasing you had become his favourite pastime, and he was devestatingly good at it. Your hips bucked forward into his hand and his mouth, and you could feel him smile against you.

Driving you crazy had quickly become his trademark, and he was happy he could put the talent to use once more.

You were dangerously close, your walls constricting against him as you tried to fight the waves of pleasure. You body was sticky with sweat and your hair and makeup was likely ruined, but you didn’t care. The only thing that mattered was Jake, just like always. The knot in your belly was begging to unravel, taunting you further with every pump of his fingers and flick of his tongue. You hated how easy it was for him to send you in to such a state, but above all, you were thankful that he’d managed to find you amidst the chaos of the world.

As you began to descend into pleasure, the only thing you could think of was how grateful you were that out of billions of people, you were the lucky one to be able to have Jake.

If you told yourself that months ago, you would laugh and spit in your own face.

But the devil was a master at his trade, and this specific trade happened to be all things sex. It was impossible not to fall victim to it, even if it would eventually be the cause of your demise.

“Please don’t stop, m’gonna cum.” You pleaded, your grip tightening around the strands of hair tangled between your fingers. Your legs began to quiver and your mind quickly dissolved into desperate, obscene thoughts about the boy driving you mad. A particularly coarse moan tore from your chest, letting him know how good he was making you feel. Then, underneath the sound of your pleasure, so quiet that you almost missed, you heard him moan against you. It was filled with emotion, showing you all of him at once; the need for you, the weakness he had in regards to you, and the pure joy he felt from pleasing you.

And it sent you into absolute bliss.

You came hard, your body tensing as he held your hips tightly, keeping his mouth on you for as long as he could. He soaked up the pleasure, letting it settle heavily in his bones. It weighed him down with likeness to cement, forcing him to stay on the ground and live solely to please you for the rest of his life. As you came down, he couldn’t seem to stop himself. His tongue was still focused on your clit and his fingers moved as if he wanted to force you into another orgasm.

“Jake, please stop.” You gasped, the sting of overstimulation infiltrating every nerve in your body. You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to pull his head away from you in reaction to the feeling. He did not stop, and he did not even show any signs of slowing. He wanted you to come again, and he wasn’t willing to back down. “Jake,” you tried again, but you knew that he would not stop unless you spoke the right word. A small part of you wanted to, but a bigger part of you wanted to continue. You had learned long ago that whatever Jake was willing to give you was worth more than anything else, and pain from him was worlds better than pleasure from another.

That was the funny thing about the devil; he forced your hand in believing that his torture was bliss.

He let out another moan against you, his cock painfully hard and strained against his pants. He needed you desperately, but not as much as he needed the taste of you on his tongue. It was more than a necessity; it was a matter of life or death. If he pulled away, he feared his heart would stop and his lungs would deflate.

“Fuck!” You yelped, your abdomen painfully tense and your mind swimming with nothing but a need to slow down. Still, he was like an addiction, and stopping was not an option. You too felt as though you would succumb to death if you had to go without him. He knew that despite your protests, you were close to the edge once again. Your body told him more than your words, and the rock of your hips against his hand and the way your walls clenched around his fingers, inviting them further inside told him all he needed to know.

The next orgasm that ravaged your body set your skin on fire and reduced your brain to mush. You could not speak, nor could you even force his name out. Your throat constricted alongside the rest of your body, and sweat began to bead on your forehead. Your hands were too weak to hold on to his hair any longer, and the only reason you were upright was because of his iron grip on you. This time, when you came down, his movements slowed with the beat of your heart. He moved his mouth first, and then his fingers followed. He looked up at your face, his chin glistening with wetness, and a smile blossomed on his lips.

“How was that, angel?” He asked, slowly rising to his feet. You could not form an answer, instead only blinking at him as you tried to steady your breathing. But, your silence was enough of a response for him, and he guided you towards the countertop before you could even begin to recover.

Your head was still spinning as he bent you over the counter and unbuckled his belt. You watched him in the mirror as he spit into his hand, rubbing himself for a moment before he rested the tip of his cock on you. He caught your eye into the mirror, giving you a small smirk as he studied your fucked out expression. Your eyes were glued to his face, memorizing the details of him too, fearful that you might miss something. The seven days spent apart had done nothing but make you dread what life would be like if you never saw him again. Now that he was there, standing behind you with his hands on you, you never wanted to be apart from him again. You did not want to miss out on a single moment of life with Jake, and you felt stupid for not being able to admit it sooner.

“Do you want it, sweetheart?” He asked, his tone low and filled with lust. “Do you want me?”

“I do,” you nodded, your voice raspy and your desperation evident. You caught his eye, a chill running down your spine at the expression he held in his gaze. His jaw was hard set and his nostrils were slightly flared. The sight of him alone was sending you feral, and you didn’t know if you could wait much longer. “Please, Jake. I need you.”

“You need me?” He taunted, pushing his hips forward ever so gently. The feeling of him inside you was thrilling, even if it was just barely. Only the tip rested inside you, and even though you both wanted to go further, the small action was worth more than anything else. You were certain Jake could give you anything, even including the smallest of gestures, and you would thank him until your lungs gave out from a lack of air. Any kindness from him was enough, and you were certain his injustices even bordered pleasure. He was everything, and you couldn’t believe he was yours.

“I need you,” you reiterated, giving him a look of desperation through the mirror. “Please, baby.” You tried again, feeling him push into you a little more. You let out a sigh of relief, knowing that soon enough he would not be able to resist the temptation. “You always make me feel so good.” He took in a sharp breath at your words, finally finding enough kindness to give you what you wanted.

When he bottomed out inside of you, he sat for a moment, completely still as he revelled in the feeling. His eyes were closed, his head tipped back towards the ceiling just enough to expose the muscles of his neck. His adams apple stuck out against his tanned skin, the glisten of sweat on him making the picturesque moment even more beautiful. His shirt was still on his shoulders, but all of the buttons were undone and his chest was bare, begging to be admired. You let your eyes trail all the way from his collarbones, drinking in the detail until your gaze settled on his navel. Then, your stare landed on the sight of his hips meeting yours, thinking about how the two of you fit together so perfectly that it was sinful not to indulge in the ritual.

You clenched around him, biting back a smirk as his eyebrows furrowed in pleasure. He let his hand drift up your back, settling in tight hold on your shoulder. “I missed that tight little cunt.” He muttered, finally meeting your eyes in the reflection again. Your stomach twisted into knots, your legs going weak again just at his words. Behind his pupil, you could see the streak of evil that so often ran through him. When your eyes went out of focus, you swore that devil horns sat atop his head much like the first night you shared with him, but this time they were not hidden in the blackness of night. They were in plain sight, and you did not even believe he was trying to hide it anymore.

It was almost funny, how you had been so scared of his hellish nature in the beginning, and now you had fallen in love with it just the same as the rest of him.

He withdrew his hips slowly and steadily, and then with the force of his hand on your shoulder, pulled you back down on him with a strength that made your head spin. A cry of pleasure fell from your lips as he made it a point to keep up the brutal pace. He was sinister, and that much was obvious, yet you no longer held a fear for his godless power. As time dragged on, a part of your soul had turned vile to match the evil of his own, and the two of you had become one. You could not point a finger at him and call him the devil, because you would have to point at yourself in the mirror and say the same. The wicked nature lived within the both of you, taking over and claiming your body as it’s own. You were possessed by the power, and the two of you ruled hell as one. The fate you feared awaited you was no longer terrifying, because you were now the power you once feared.

You cannot play Russian roulette with Satan, because only he would have the knowledge to create a game so sinister. He passed you the loaded gun, and you put it to your own head even with the knowledge that there was six bullets sitting in the chamber.

You were playing a losing game; after all, how could death itself fear dying?

“This is what you wanted?” He asked, the sound of skin on skin filling the room and leaving little room for anything else. “You wanted me so bad you couldn’t even wait until we got home.”

Until we got home. Insinuating that home was only a place where the two of you existed together, and that home to him was wherever you were.

And god, he was right.

That house was nothing without him in it, and the memories made before his time meant little anymore. He was home, and that house was just a shelter to hide away in until he was there to fill it with love. This time, upon the harsh realizations, you did not shy away from the idea. Instead, you welcomed it with open arms and a smile on your face. Jake was home, a place where you could hide away from the rest of the world. He was a hug after a long day, and a warm blanket after facing the violent cold. He was a place to put your sorrow down, and where you could let the walls of defence fall. He was not the only home you’d ever known, but he was the best one you’d ever known.

You wanted to tell him you loved him. The word was lingering in the air, the sweet taste dancing on the tip of your tongue and it’s soft hand was caressing your cheek. Instead, you moaned his name and told him how good he was making you feel. It was not the confession you wanted to make, but it was enough to satiate the craving until you were strong enough to speak the truth. Sex was the only way you knew how to communicate with him, but you hoped that with time, you would finally be able to speak the words he so badly wanted to hear.

“Shit!” You gasped, his cock slamming into your cervix and sending your thighs rocking into the countertop. You could already feel bruises forming, but you could not find it within yourself to care. When you returned home and took your dress off, it was serve as a reminder that he was real and you weren’t just dreaming of someone so wonderful. A loud slur of moans fell from your lips, and his hand came up to clamp around your mouth while he continued at the same, bruising pace.

“You have to be quiet, sweetheart.” He reminded, but sounds of pleasure were seeping from his own lips. “Those are only for me. You know that.” He tried to keep his voice steady, but you could tell that he was getting close from the waver of his words. You let out a while, muffled by the strong hand anchored to your mouth. “I know, angel.” He sympathized, feeling the same way. “Cum for me.”

You did just as he asked, unravelling around his cock and dissolving into a mess below him. He watched your face in the mirror, studying every miniscule detail and searing it into his brain forever. He never wanted to forget what you looked like when you were experiencing such euphoria at his hands. He muffled every noise that slipped out, and he kept his rhythm until you relaxed against him. When your eyes fluttered open and flickered up to meet his own, he couldn’t stop himself from reaching his own climax. His hips stuttered and you felt him twitch inside of you as he painted your walls with his release. His stature faltered and he slumped over slightly, wrapping you in a blanket of warmth as his chest pressed against your back. He released his hold on your mouth as he pressed his mouth to the back of your neck, leaving a few gentle kisses on the exposed skin.

“We have a thing for bathrooms.” You breathed, looking at his reflection through heavily-lidded eyes. You couldn’t help but feel pure adoration at the sight of his face, knowing for certain that you would never see a more beautiful person.

“You know I can’t help myself around you.” He gave a lazy chuckle, straightening up as he pulled out of you. “Especially when you wear such slutty dresses. You could at least leave something to the imagination.” He joked.

“Okay, I’ll keep that in mind next time.” You laughed, pushing yourself up off the counter.

“Don’t you dare.” He warned, knowing that he’d miss it more than anything.

“That’s what I thought.” You smirked, moving to clean yourself off as best as you could. “So… we’re okay?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, smiling at the question. “We’re okay, angel.”

“I… uh, I’d like to do that other part more often, too.” You confessed. He took a step towards you, wrapping you in a hug that expressed all he felt for you in his heart. He placed a kiss to your forehead, smiling against you at the thought of building a relationship with you. When he pulled away, he also took the time to fix the skirt of your dress. Then, he reached up and swiped away your smudged lipstick with his thumb. “Sex is great, but I really like spending time with you, too.”

“We can make that happen.” He promised, looking to you with an astounding amount of sincerity in his eyes. “I’m so sorry that I said that stuff to you. You didn’t deserve it, and I will do everything I can to make up for it.” He cupped your cheek in his hand.

“I’m sorry, too.” You leaned into the touch, closing your eyes for a moment to savour the innocent intimacy. “I didn’t want to hurt you, Jake. I don’t want to hurt you, ever.”

“I know,” he said, leaning down and placing a small kiss to your lips. Your heart fluttered and your stomach twisted with joy. Slowly, you began to overcome your fear, because you knew that even the scariest of things did not seem too bad with Jake by your side. “Did you… do you want to come and have a drink with us? I’m sure Josh is out of his mind with worry, now. He really likes you, and I think he’s been scared I was going to fuck it up.”

“Yeah,” you laughed, knowing he was right. “Do you want to come back to my house, tonight?”

“More than anything.” He nodded, the words rushing out of him with a long sigh of relief. “I’ll go and order us drinks. Meet me out there in a few minutes?”

“Yeah, of course.” You nodded, shooing him towards the door. The two of you had already been gone for a suspicious amount of time and you would hate for them to catch on to your act. Jake blew you a kiss as he stepped out the door, closing it gently behind him. You smiled, your cheeks dusting red as you swiped away any fallen mascara specs from under your eyes. You touched up your lipstick and combed your fingers through your hair, and by the time you looked presentable, you could safely leave the bathroom.

You walked out, first noticing Jake by the bar. You sent him a smile, trying to hide the excitement in your eyes as you approached him. It was strange feeling giddy over a grown man, like you were a middle schooler with an embarrassing crush. It was even stranger to know that it was not only reciprocated, but he felt the exact same way you did. You joined his side, smiling at Ray as he fixed your drinks. Jake tucked you safely under his arm, pulling you closer to him as his hand rested on your hip.

“Two double whiskeys.” Ray said, placing the glasses in front of you.

“Thanks darlin’.” You smiled, grabbing yours and taking a long sip out of it.

“Can you combine her tab with mine?” Jake asked, taking a drink from his own cup. You shot him a look protest but he paid you no mind. Ray gave a nod, looking to you as if to ask if everything was alright. You gave him a subtle nod, telling him all he needed to know.

“You head over, I just need to grab my jacket and stuff.” You told him, giving him a reassuring smile.

“Sure thing.” He said, letting his eyes linger over you before turning to join his brothers.

“So it all worked out?” Ray asked, watching you collect your belongings from your chair.

“Seems so.” You shrugged. “I guess things weren’t as bad as I thought they were.”

“Don’t let him break your heart, darlin’.” He said, collecting the empty glasses littering the counters. “You’re worth more than that.”

“I won’t.” You promised, slinging your jacket over your shoulder and holding your drink tightly. “Thanks for being there for me, Ray.”

“I’ve always got your back.” He promised. “I might be old, but I’ve still got fight left in me.” You laughed at his words, nodding in agreement. “Have fun, sweetheart.”

“You know I will!” You called, turning to face the booth that the boys were occupying. Jake was just reaching the table as you began to walk over to join, but he did not sit down. Instead, he seemed to freeze in his tracks and after a few seconds, sent a nervous look over his shoulder at you.

Fear gripped you, but you continued walking towards him in hopes that you were misreading his expression. When you reached the group, you gave a smile to Sam and Danny, but they seemed to have to force their own in return. When your eyes drifted to Josh, he was looking down at his hands settled into his lap. Then, your eyes settled on an unknown girl who was sitting next to Josh in the booth, who was also making quick work at ogling Jake. You swallowed your pride, looking to Jake in hopes of a quick answer or reassurance that this situation was nothing but innocent.

Before he could explain himself, the nameless blonde stood from the booth with a grin on her face, leaning forward without any hesitation and placed a kiss on Jake’s lips. In truth, Jake did not respond, but to you it seemed as if he did. Your eyes were deceiving you on behalf of your broken heart. He placed a stiff hand on her hip, but not in any attempt to draw her closer. He was silently trying to stop her from taking it any further. He was straight as a board, his muscles tense and trying in every way to exude his distaste for the greeting.

When he didn’t respond with enthusiasm, she pulled away and with intent to cover her own bruised ego, shot you a look of daggers. You watched the two, unsure of what was happening, and completely unwilling to find out. The only thing you could do was laugh, and even that came out awkward and painful. It seemed stuck in your throat as tears prickled your eyes.

“Y/n,” Jake warned, taking a step in your direction and completely disregarding the woman who seemed so intent to get his attention. “Please.” He whispered, no louder than a pin drop. He wanted to explain before your mind got the best of you, but your decision was already made. There was nothing he could say to make you feel better.

The real reason he invited his brothers to the bar finally surfaced, and the room was heavy with the weight of his mistake. He’d been so intent to know if you were at the bar waiting for someone else because he had shown up with the intent to entertain another woman. The question was not one of inquire, but an admission of guilt. He had not invited the blonde girl out because he was interested in anything she had to offer; he had invited her to that specific bar on that specific night because he knew you would be there, dressed up and drinking whiskey while you pretended to be interested in the football game playing on the television. He wanted you to see them together, and he was betting on you having a jealous streak. He thought if he could make you jealous, you’d run straight back into his arms.

What he was not expecting was your warm welcome when he’d arrived, nor did he ever think there would be a heartfelt apology. Maturity had lost him when you’d broken his heart, and he wanted to play dirty. He was so immersed in you while you two aired out your thoughts that he failed to remember the other girl who was on her way to meet him there. You always triumphed when it came to anything or anyone else, but this time, your effect on him had been fatal. He dug his own grave and as he stood amidst the chaos he caused, he worried that he sealed it forever.

You wanted to throw your drink in his face, or to scream until your throat was raw and no more sound could be made. You wanted to tell him every bad thing you were thinking and call him every terrible name you could imagine. Instead of any of that, you seemed frozen in place. Your fingers were clasped around your glass so tightly that it nearly shattered under the pressure. Your lips were glued together despite the insults begging to break free. Your eyes held fire but they were calm, which was even more dangerous. He broke your heart once already, but this time, he’d torn it to shreds and discarded it like it was nothing.

There was power in walking away, and it just so happened that walking was your favourite thing to do.

“Enjoy your date, Jacob.” Your words came out clearer and stronger than you thought they would. You feared the familiar crack in your voice would sell you out, but not even that seemed to want to surface. Maybe it was afraid of your consequential anger, too. Your skin felt like there was a million cuts littering the surface, stinging with every pulse of your heart and stretch of your body. Your nerves felt like they were doused in gasoline and he’d thrown a match your way, igniting you without a second thought. He took a step towards you, but you took a step back and shook your head, shutting down whatever idea was running through his mind. He could see the shine of sadness begin to glaze your irises, and he felt equivalent to the dirt on the bottom of your shoe.

“Just listen to me for a second.” He pleaded, knowing that everyone at the table was watching the circus as it unfolded. Horror was not a good enough description for how everyone was feeling, and nobody knew what to do. Worse than that, nobody knew what to expect. The boys were watching you as if you would explode at any second, and god knows you wanted to. But, you were stronger than that, and he didn’t deserve such a reaction.

“Listen to what? I don’t care.” You said, shaking your head. “I don’t care if she’s your girlfriend, or if you weren’t ever planning on seeing her again after tonight, and I don’t even care if she was leverage to hold over my head. I. Don’t. Care.” Your voice was dangerously quiet. Although everyone was sitting right there, they could not hear a word the two of you were saying over the noisy bar atmosphere.

“Don’t say that.”

“I don’t care who she is, I don’t care what you’re doing, and I don’t care about you.” Much similar to his own experience, the heartbreak had turned you vile. You wanted to say whatever you could to hurt him, and you were doing it without insults and profanities. “Every time I start to think that you might be different, or I start think you mean what you say, you prove me wrong. Every fucking time. I’m done, Jake.” With that, you turned on your heel and walked away.

For a moment, you considered leaving the bar, but you could not give him that much satisfaction. This was your bar, and nobody could take that away from you. You did feel reluctant about returning to your normal seat, knowing that you could not face Ray’s knowing stare and worried questions. Instead, you walked to the other end of the bar in the second bartenders section. You knew her, but not nearly as well as you knew Ray, and not nearly enough for her to show you any concern. You drank down the liquor in your cup, the burn achingly strong, yet not nearly enough to distract you from the sound of your own breaking heart.

You ordered another drink, feeling five sets of eyes lingering on the back of your head. Jake watched as you sat down, confused and hurt about your statement, yet knowing that he deserved it for trying to play such a childish game. He was pained to know he hurt you again, and he was pained to know that you would not respond to any attempts to apologize.

So, he did what he knew best, and he carried on as if you never hurt him at all. He snaked his arm around the other girls waist, giving a short apology for the confusion, and placed a lingering kiss on her lips. If you did not care, then neither did he. If he continued on, he thing that maybe you would be upset enough to confront him.

In that moment, the two of you meant nothing to each other.

Well, that’s what you were trying to convince yourselves, at least.

You were furious, wanting to go over there and blow up at him with every single insult you could think of, to hit him and scream and cry because he hurt you so badly. Instead, you allowed yourself to peek over your shoulder with just enough time to watch him kiss her. You felt like someone had just punched you in the stomach. The air was knocked from your lungs and you felt like you were going to be sick. His lips were locked with another girls while the remnants of his orgasm was still threatening to run down your thigh and yours was lingering on his chin.

That seemed to be the most sickening thought of all.

Jealousy flooded you, making your skin prickle with indignation. The next drink that was sat in front of you was gone almost as soon as it was placed there, and you decided it was best to order two at a time to keep up with the ache in your chest. You looked back over at him again, unable to resist the urge. You saw her laughing, flicking her hair over her shoulder as she smiled up at Jake. She was clinging on to whatever he was saying, clearly hoping he would take her to the bathroom and do the same to her as he did with you just moments before.

As you studied the scene, you knew that jealousy was not the correct term for what you were feeling. You were envious of the situation in the booth. You wanted to be wrapped around him, laughing at his jokes and making relationships with his brothers. You wanted what she had in that moment, and you wanted it with a fervor you’d never quite felt before. You could not call it jealousy, because you were not worried about her taking something that belonged to you. In truth, Jake was never yours. You had ensured that long before the night’s events unfolded. You could not be jealous about something that did not belong to you, and Jake did not and he never would.

Envy was a much better description, because quite frankly, you never would have what she did in that moment. You and Jake could not comprehend simplicity, nor could you find the courage to love each other openly. Even from the very beginning, you and Jake struggled. Whether it was bickering because you refuted your connection, or because you simply enjoyed the struggle, it had never been easy. You were green with envy over something you would never have, and what she seemed to be getting so easily. You were sick at the thought, and pained to know that you’d fallen hard enough to feel such devastating emotions.

You felt a tear slip down onto your cheek as you drowned your sorrows in whiskey. Sometimes, it seemed like your own personal holy water. Once the first tear fell, the floodgates opened and your cheeks were soaked with physical reminders of your own stupidity.

You were crying so hard that your shoulders were shaking with the heaves of your chest, and you could no longer see the glass that was held tightly in your hand.

Then, a gentle touch landed on your shoulder. It was unfamiliar, but comforting, and you felt like you knew who it was before you even turned around. His second hand landed on your other shoulder, and you leaned backwards into the touch until the back of your head landed on his chest. Once he knew you were going to be receptive of his touch, he wrapped his arms around you, holding you tightly while you tried to swallow down your drowning sadness.

“Seems like you’ve been more than a girl who is a friend all along.” Josh hummed, his hold protective and his heart breaking for you.

“I’ve always been exceptionally good at lying to myself.” You rasped, raising a hand to wipe your cheeks clean.

“Mind if I sit?”

“It’s probably better if you don’t.” You sighed, sniffling away another sob.

“Well, I’ve always been exceptionally good at breaking the rules.” He shrugged, pulling out the chair beside you and taking a seat.

“That’s hard for me to believe.” You chuckled, looking over at him with puffy eyes and a red nose. You were in no state to be socializing, but he didn’t seem to care.

“You better believe it, mama.” He said, taking a sip of his own drink. You cocked your head to the side, a small smile stuck on your lips as you processed the pet name. “Penny for your thoughts?” He asked, pulling a coin from his pocket and tossing it down on the table. He seemed to be the beacon of light in the suffocating darkness. His jokes and bright smile soothed your sorrowful soul, and you wondered what it would be like to be friends with him forever. With Josh around, you had a hard time picturing any sadness at all.

“For you, it’s free.” You assured him. “And this is a quarter. I’m not that steep.” You slid the coin back towards him, watching as he stopped it with his finger. Instead of putting it back in his pocket, he tossed it in one of the tip jars sitting on the bar top.

“I’m honoured.” He gave you a grin, breathtaking and beautiful, but so different than his brothers. For twins, their differences were staggering. “He’s an idiot, you know.”

“To each their own.” You shrugged, picking up a shelled peanut from the dish in front of you for something to fidget with. “Has he been dating her the whole time?”

“Her? No.” He shook his head, almost laughing at the thought. “She was the first girl who was just a friend, but she wasn’t really much of a friend at all. More or less just a girl.” He explained, swirling the ice around his glass with his straw. “I think I ran into her the first weekend we moved here. She was sneaking out sometime in the morning, and of course, I had to introduce myself.”

“Don’t know why I’d expect any less.” You chuckled, recalling the first time you’d ever met him.

“Some people never change.” He smirked. “After that, I never saw her again. Which was fantastic, because I didn’t really like her all that much. Definitely not as much as I liked you.”

“That’s good.” You smiled, waiting for him to continue. You felt honoured that josh liked you as much as he did. He seemed protective of his brother, and rightfully so. You wondered why he thought you were so good for him when all you ever seemed to do was cause Jake pain.

“I met a few girls after that, but they never stuck around. You, though? I could see it in his eyes that day. He never wanted you leave.” He leaned back in his seat, seeming like he was racking his brain for the best way to explain himself. “Usually, the girls leave before he even bothers to get out of bed. Then, he started talking about you all of the time, and I realized that this was more than just a drunken accident. When he wanted us to meet you, I knew he was head over heels.”

“He’s got a funny way of showing it.” You replied, your distaste for his actions clear in your face. “But, I guess I’m not the best at it, either.”

“I never said he was good at showing it.” He laughed. “I love him, but it doesn’t mean I always have to agree with him.”

“True.” You nodded in agreement.

“I think I had a sneaking suspicion that something was wrong when he came home last weekend and slammed his door hard enough to shake the building and then locked himself in his apartment for days. Maybe you and I were both trying to pry some information out of each other, earlier.”

“Sorry about that.” You buried your red cheeks in your glass as you swallowed the liquid down, ashamed of your actions.

“Don’t be, ��cause I was doing it, too.” He said, admitting to his own guilt. “You don’t have to tell me about that if you don’t want to, but I’m all ears if you need it.”

“I’m the classic sob story, Josh.” You leaned forward, signalling to the bartender to make you another drink. She gave a thumbs up in response. “Divorcée, dead dad, a knack for self punishment and a plethora of commitment issues.”

“Wouldn’t call that classic. You’ve got quite the collection of pain.” He laughed, finding your blunt statement humorous. “Is that why you were so strict on being friends?”

“Yeah, I don’t do the whole dating thing. Divorce usually does that to a person.” You joked, dumping the last of your ice into your new drink and handing the empty to the bartender. “When I met Jake, I was pretty clear about that, but there’s something about him, I guess.”

“And about you, too.” He reminded.

“I thought Jake was on the same page, but we both seemed to blur the lines. We spent so much time together that it would be more strange for us not to fall in love.” You explained. “When he confessed that he had feelings for me, I panicked. I know I shouldn’t have, but I just don’t think I was ready for anything to change. I hurt him, he hurt me, and neither of us were mature enough to apologize.”

“Until tonight.” He corrected.

“Yeah, but then he invited Barbie to drink with you guys.” You grumped, trying to fake cheerfulness as you said the nickname you’d pinned on her.

“May I add some insight?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. You caught his gaze, silently giving him permission to do so. “I don’t think he wanted Barbie to drink with us. I think he wanted you to drink with us, but he didn’t know how to ask. He invited her to piss you off, and that was before you guys talked it out.”

“He sure did piss me off, but he hurt me pretty badly, too.”

“I know, and I’m not defending him.” He wanted to make that abundantly clear. “He’s in love, and love makes him stupid. He doesn’t know how to deal with getting hurt, so he just… doesn’t. Or, he acts like a jerk.”

“You seem to know him pretty well.”

“We didn’t share a womb for nothing.” He grinned. “He’s my twin, but he’s also my best friend. I’ve been there through everything, and I’ve seen it all.”

“So you’re not just a brother of the twin kind, you’re also a friend that is considered the best.” You noted, tipsiness radiating from your statement. You liked the banter that always seemed plentiful between the two of you. It reminded you of your own sister.

“What do you think? Do I make a good friend?” He watched you closely as he waited for an answer. After a moment, you nodded.

“A great one, even.” He smiled at your words and you could not seem to ignore the blush of his cheeks.

“I’m not telling you to go back to him, or to forgive him. Although I would very much like for the two of you to be together, sometimes things just don’t work out. Jake’s a lover by nature, even if he tries to pretend he isn’t, and I know he’s cursing himself as he sits there beside her and not you.”

“Lover by nature?” You inquired, now oddly curious about his life. That was something you never would have pegged him for.

“Oh yeah,” Josh chuckled, the liquor clearly getting the best of him. “He loves to love, and he’s as loyal as a dog. When his last girlfriend broke his heart, he tried to put on this tough act and pretend that love wasn’t his thing. He did the hookups and the failed talking stages, and I think for a while he convinced himself he was truly happy with it. When he met you, I think he realized that happy was the exact opposite of how he’s been feeling for the last year or so.”

“She hurt him pretty bad, eh?” You asked, recalling the pained expression in Jake’s eye the last night you had all went to the bar together.

“That doesn’t even scratch the surface.” He grimaced. “I hated seeing him sad, but I was so happy that he actually left her for good.”

“I wouldn’t hurt him like that.” You didn’t even realize the words that slipped past your lips until it was too late. Josh gave you a sympathetic smile as you scolded yourself for letting such a thing slip.

“I know, mama.” He said, the sincerity in his voice astounding. “Why do you think I like you so much?” Your cheeks turned red at his comment, and you gave him a smile.

“I like you too, Josh.” You mumbled. “Thanks for talking to me. I feel a lot better.”

“I’m glad,” he said, looking past you and over at the pool tables. Sam and Danny seemed to be caught in a game that was headed nowhere. As he did so, you looked back at the booth where Jake was sat with the bubbly blonde. He had moved to the opposite side of the table, presumably so he could get a clear view of you and Josh. When you caught his eye that seemed to be glued to the pair of you, your suspicions were confirmed. You did not hold his gaze, nor did you signal that you even noticed him looking. Instead, you stood and brought Josh into a hug, thanking him for caring enough to check on you.

Envy was not a strong enough word to describe what washed over Jake. Yes, he wished he could be the one that your arms were wrapped around and yes, he desperately wanted to be the person who was listening to the tellings of your heart. More than that, he was furious that Josh thought he had the right to be that person for you, and he was broken at the idea of you allowing him to be. He was reaping the consequences of his own actions, and there was nothing he could do but suffer the wrath of the devil for the sins he had committed.

As you pulled away from Josh, you looked back to the booth and saw Jake leaning over the table to capture his date in a kiss. Your stomach twisted with disgust, and you felt frozen in place. The two of you were caught in a game of pain, but you weren’t even aware you were playing. You did not speak to Josh in hopes of upsetting Jake, but he was kissing her in hopes of hurting you. If you had to admit it, he was doing a fantastic job. Your pain was so loud that you barely heard Josh ask you to join them in playing a game of pool.

When he asked a second time, you mustered a nod as you fought back the urge to vomit. He led you towards the table, but your eyes could not seem to stray from the disturbing scene before you. Jake was fighting a battle that he did not need to fight at all. You had no idea what point he was trying to prove, and no idea why he had the sudden urge to stray further from the love you two were trying to rekindle. As you picked up a pool cue, you decided you did not care. When you lined up the first shot, you both knew you had already won.

He was like poison, drawing you in and burning you with every touch. You loved him so deeply even if you knew he was killing you, and it drove you crazy enough that you would even cause him harm just to hear your name on his lips. You couldn’t bear the thought of not having him, but having him too close always drove you to a bittersweet end. You knew it was time to give him up, but you did not know if you could do that at all. For certain, you knew you could not do it without one last fight.

Even as you tried to convince yourself that you did not care about his actions, the color green was bleeding from the walls. The haze of smog in the room had an emerald hue, and the green velvet of the pool table reflected exactly how your heart was feeling. You were certain that if you looked in a mirror, your skin would be following suit, too. Envy was written all over you, stemming from the unnamed blonde who was wrapped around Jake like he belonged to her. It also grew from the knowledge that Jake was letting her, as if he never had a promise to come home with you at all. You might not have seen it, but when it came to belonging, his heart only lied with you. He was yours, even if he could not express it properly.

What you didn’t see was the green vines that were tangling themselves around Jake’s body, slowly strangling the life out of him as his own envy took hold. He watched as you laughed with his brothers, drinking and carefree while you shot at the balls scattered across the pool table. He wished he could have what they did in that moment; you, with a smile on your face and a laugh stuck on your lips. He wanted you, and everything you had to offer, and he felt like an idiot for letting you walk away this time. He did not want to be in the booth with the girl that meant so little to him, and he did not want his lips on anyone but you. His regret was paralyzing, but his pride stopped him from apologizing yet again.

You were both dying as you stood, and suffering as you watched. Both of you had the power to change, but so much sin had infiltrated your lives that doing the right thing no longer mattered. Any moral, and any idea of right and wrong no longer existed, replaced with wicked evil and blind obedience to a higher power that would ultimately take your life. The devil watched as the two of you sealed your fate, laughing loudly as you walked yourselves into his trap. With one more deadly sin to go, he wondered if the two of you would ever realize your wrongdoing before it was ultimately too late.

The only question that remained was one of fate. How much sin could you commit before punishment was due? You were two people who had been sentenced to a lifetime of imprisonment at the hands of your own godless morale, and you were so blind to your own stupidity that you had not even gone searching for salvation. Better yet, you had not even realized that you were in need of it. When the time came and you were ready to repent, the church would turn you away and laugh in your face.

Religion never seems important until you’ve engaged in so much sin that salvation is no longer an option.

~

you guys didn’t really think I’d be nice enough to let them stay together, especially with wrath as the last chapter? love you 🫶🏻😉

TAGLIST:

@sacredjake @profitofthedune @thewritingbeforesunrise @sacredthethreadgvf @klarxtr @ohgodthefeeling-gvf @freefallthoughts @jaketlover @clairesjointshurt @ageofbajabule @dannys-dream @earthgrlsreasy @starshine-gvf @brujamagik @gvfmarge @ignite-my-fire @twistedmelodies @gretavangroupie @alwaysonthemend @edgingthedarkness @gvfpal @sinarainbows @writingcold @starcatcher-jake @literal-dead-leaf @takenbythemadness @gretasfallingsky @hsfallingsky @freyjalw @itsafullmoon @lyndz2names @blacksoul-27 @i-love-gvf @vikingsisthenewsexy @mp0801 @mindastreamofcolours @indigogvf @sparrowofthedawnsworld @jordie-gvf @cassy-face @highway-tuna @creadliz98 @dancingcarbon @do-it-jakey-baby

[grottylittlefox]

How could I ever forget you? Chapter 4

Sebastian Sallow/Professor Sallow x f!MC / reader

Slow burn/fluff/angst, aged up characters 18-mid 20s 🌿

expect some Garreth & Ominis in this chapter!!!

Somehow it had taken until your final day at Hogwarts to finally show Sebastian how you felt, and by then it was too late. Years pass and your distance grows stronger, despite your many efforts for him. A surprise encounter at a new job could change things forever. Finding each other once again at the very place you first met, Hogwarts.

Chapter 1: “I guess this is it”

Chapter 2: “Oh how I missed you”

Chapter 3: “Goodbye Sebastian”

Chapter 4: “I think it’s time you move on”

The Montrose Magpies lost their final game that season. You couldn’t help but blame yourself that Sebastian seemed to have fallen short. As the loss came just days after you left him standing under the candlelight of The Leaky Cauldron. Your every thought consumed with guilt that perhaps you’d been too much of a distraction, that you should never have pestered him with letters as soon as you’d left Hogwarts. It seemed clear to you that he was better off without you. That maybe you were not his good luck charm after all, a nickname he had affectionately given you after his first Slytherin victory.

Yet still, that glimmer of hope remained. Torturing you with the memory of his hands running through your hair that night. The pacing of his breath against your body, the aroma of butterbeer in the air. Deep down you both knew it was probably your final goodbye, but your heart was too far gone to accept that.

However there was one thing you gained that painful night, a new career path. Natty’s white lie about becoming an Auror was far too bold for your liking, and you were pretty sure she knew that. The humiliation of Sebastian ever finding out that it wasn’t true was, well… daunting. Besides, you needed a distraction, and what better way to take your mind off of him than the most stressful job in the world.

~~~

Once again, seasons passed, without Sebastian in your life. You had accepted that it was probably for the best, training was stressful enough and you didn’t need the extra torment. Although you couldn’t help but miss his torment. Perhaps torment was better than nothing after all? Truthfully you’d take being enemies over being strangers, the frustration made you want to get under his skin. You wanted to hate him. To despise his very existence. Why was that so hard to do?

~~~

It wasn’t long before the Quidditch League was beginning again, meaning having to mentally prepare yourself to see his perfect, stupid face everywhere. However now you were extra grateful to not be working at that desk anymore, with people nagging you every day for Sebastian’s autograph. You couldn’t tell if you wanted him to fail or succeed this season. It’s not that you wanted him to lose, you just didn’t want to see him win.

Thankfully, you were far too busy to think about Quidditch in the coming months. You only ever heard the scores once in a while in passing. It was quite the relief, getting to experience heartbreak like a normal person. To be able to try and forget about someone without the world being obsessed with them.

But you were obsessed with him. Maybe not in the daytime, in the day you had entirely forgotten him. But at night…. oh Sebastian at night.

He towered over you, his dark eyes consuming you. His breath hot against your skin, whispering things you dare not repeat. His touch, a blanket of pleasure, keeping you safe. Keeping you his. Sebastian ….

“SEBASTIAN-“ a figure burst in with interruption.

Suddenly your surroundings return, your dark room, the bed you lay in, alone.

“What?” You question, pretending as if the name had not crossed your mind in months. It suddenly hit you. Why did Natty just storm into your room, screaming that name? “Natty, what is going on?”

“I just checked the Daily Prophet, he’s out of the league. MC, he fell, it sounds quite bad..”

“What do you mean he fell?!” You panic, grabbing the Prophet from her hands. Sebastian was an experienced flyer, one of the best in the country, how could this possibly be true? “And if he’s hurt, the team have the best healers around, I- I don’t understand.”

You open the newspaper across the bed, illuminating your wand as the two of you peer over with sincere shock.

Magpies Broken Wing: Chaser Down Before Final

Montrose Magpies scrambling as Chaser Sebastian Sallow takes mysterious fall during final practice. The Hogwarts champion came tumbling in what witnesses describe as ‘nonsensical’, claiming the fall was unprovoked by players nor equipment. While the extent of his injuries is unclear, a spokesman for the team says he will not be partaking in this weeks final. While also stating his replacement Clover Dickens will remain as Chaser for the foreseeable future.

~~~

Sebastian,

Your quill scratched across the parchment.

I am deeply sorry to hear about what happened. If there is anything I can do, please do not be afraid to send an owl. I wish you a speedy recovery.

My thoughts are with you, always.

All my love,

You hesitated, staring at the words in front of you. With a flick of your wand you tapped to the parchment, removing the the last line you had scribbled down, before writing its replacement.

Sincerely,

MC.

Ever so carefully, you sealed envelope with a kiss, exhaling all of your love onto the paper at your lips. You passed the letter to Starling, who took off into the starry sky, with the first words exchanged between you and Sebastian in over a year. The first words since goodbye.

~~~

A month or so later, during a quiet breakfast with Natty, a familiar owl swooped in over the table. You held your breath as it released a letter from its claws, falling onto Natty’s toast, which she was not at all impressed by.

The envelope was sealed with a silver magpie, and made of the finest parchment, which had a subtle shimmer in the light. It was certainly high quality, with a sort of professionalism to it. The magpie was an instant giveaway of whom it was regarding. Natty gave you a confused look, as she hesitantly pulled it open.

Dear Natsai Onai,

I am writing to thank you for your well wishes regarding my recovery.

Sincerely,

Sebastian Sallow.

Natty let out a chuckle as she handed you the letter, and you could immediately see why. It was completely obvious that this was not written by Sebastian at all, in fact it appeared her name was stamped on.

“I didn’t know you’d written him,” you softly muttered, handing the letter back.

“It was the polite thing to do,” she replied. “Don’t get too excited, because he clearly hasn’t written me.” She said through a laugh.

You didn’t tell her about the owl you had sent him, for all she knew you were completely over it. But now you found yourself spiralling. Why had he not written you? Even if it was some silly automated reply. You were seething for his acknowledgement, for his attention. But you were not even worth a measly thank you note. He must have gone out of his way to exclude you, and that alone felt like a curse.

You waited around every day for an owl, but nothing. Not a single letter. You had found out even Leander Prewett had gotten one, and this made your blood boil. Leander Prewett? He positively despised Leander Prewett. How could it be that in Sebastian’s mind you were less than that. You were nothing. Not even a passing thought.

Eventually this broke you, until you were nothing but dust. How was it possible that the person who was your everything had made such an effort to forget about you? You admitted you had tried to do the same, but it proved to be impossible. Sebastian had made you the witch you were, without him your world would not exist.

You found yourself buried in a damp puddle of tears, soaking into the pillow that was gripped under your arms. Was this to be your reality now? What had you become?

A startling thud jolted you as the sound of an owl hitting the window pane met your ears. A letter fell, landing on top of your head, and you were completely terrified to look at it. After a while of contemplating, you lifted the envelope to your eye-line. It wasn’t from Sebastian. It was from someone you weren’t expecting, that’s for sure. But it had brought a much needed smile to your face.

Hello MC!

I’m planning a little get together for everybody from our year at Hogwarts, a reunion if you will. It would be great to see you there! Details to follow.

Have a great day!

Garreth (Weasley of course)

A reunion? The idea dawned on you, obviously immediately you thought to Sebastian. Ugh, why did he have to ruin everything. But you quickly recalled what Natty had said to you that night last year.

‘Don’t let him get to you,’ her words rang through your head. She was right, you couldn’t let him ruin your life anymore, you could not continue to suffer. It was getting harder to breathe, harder to get up in the morning, it’s torture for a person to live like this, and you would subdue to it.

Besides, it would be nice to see some old friends, you thought to yourself. Ominis, and Poppy of course. And Garreth..

You found yourself in a train of thought about Garreth. He was a nice boy, you’d always gotten on well. And he’d made a bit of a name for himself in recent years, even opening up his own potions shop in Diagon Alley. You’d had the chance to visit a few times, and he had become quite the pleasant chap. Unfortunately you had never truly gotten the chance to get to know him, all because of a certain person who seemed to control your every move.

It was back in sixth year that Garreth had asked you on a date, and part of you was utterly thrilled about it, since everyone in the school seemed to be dating but you. Finally you felt desired, and it was nice. Even if your mind was actually on somebody else.

It was to be a friendly, harmless trip to The Three Broomsticks, no different than all the times you’d gone before with any other friend. But once word had reached Sebastian, it’s was clear Garreth wouldn’t have made it there alive.

You still remember the look on Sebastian’s face, clear as day. Seething with jealously, flushed and hopeless. You craved to have him like that again. Merlin, you’d do anything. To see such pure desire take over a person. You had almost become him.

And yet, the fool never even asked you on a date himself.

~~~

You once again found yourself back at The Leaky Cauldron. You hadn’t returned since the incident.

Arriving early made you feel at ease, you couldn’t imagine anything worse than stumbling into a room full of your old classmates, especially if he was there. It would be like walking into charms for the first time all over again, something you’d rather not revisit.

As it seemed, you were not actually the first to get there early. Ominis was sat by the window, leaning over a steaming soup. He hadn’t noticed you arrive as you walked up to him, absolutely thrilled to see him again.

“Ominis,” you said with a soft smile.

“MC, is that you?” He said grinning in your direction.

The two of you had a wonderful catch up. You had missed him dearly, it honestly made you realise how lonely your life had become without him. Natty was amazing, of course, but you weren’t so close back at Hogwarts. Ominis on the other hand was your best friend, and it felt like a warm embrace to be together again at last.

Soon, the unavoidable came. You had to bring up Sebastian. The missing piece to your puzzle. It felt wrong to not have him be there, it was rare that the three of you weren’t together back then.

“Is he coming?” You asked, knowing the two of them were still incredibly close. “Sebastian?”

“He’s still recovering, I’m afraid.”

You felt a huge sigh of relief, trying not to make it too obvious to Ominis.

“I understand, I hope he’s doing well,” you said with sincerity. “I’m sure Ostara is taking great care of him.” You added with a chuckle, as an attempt to deflect.

“She is.”

You tensed at his response.

It felt so harsh, so cold. You knew he didn’t mean it like that at all but, ouch.

“You talking about Sebastian?” Somebody interrupted, it was Garreth, as friendly as ever. “Still see him, Ominis?”

“I do.”

“Oooh, lucky you,” Garreth replied sarcastically. “I sent him the most thoughtful card, and all I got back was some fancy pants note,” he teased.

You couldn’t help but laugh at the idea of Garreth actually sending Sebastian a card, considering their history and all. He really did have the best intentions at heart.

“Natty!” He said reaching out his arms as she stepped through the door. And with that he was already gone, mingling with everybody else that was crammed into the pub.

“You two would be quite something you know?” Ominis turned to you. You were completely taken aback by his comment. Baffled even. “He works quite close by, see each other often?”

You paused for a moment, struggling to find the right thing to say. He was Sebastian’s best friend, you were certain they’d spoken about.. everything.

“Is there a reason you’re asking this, Ominis?”

He sighed, you could see the clockwork ticking in his head as he attempted to muster up the right response.

“I… I couldn’t. He’s Garreth.” You muttered, peering over at the boy who was passing around hugs to everybody he knew. “Besides, I promised Sebastian I would never go on a date with him, remember?” You chuckled. This was true, you had made that promise back in 6th year. And despite everything, you still couldn’t break it.

“MC..” he said so gently, with true care. “I think it’s time you-“ he paused again. He was so cautious with his words. He knew how fragile you were, he’d seen you at your best and your worst, well at least what he thought was your worst.

“I think it’s time you move on.”

Chapter 5

[luvanniiee]

Hey dear, i would like to request a slight angst, fluff , poly. twice NaSaHyo×fem reader.

R and Nayeon where dating for years, they been happy and all but one night

While Nayeon and R where laying down on their bed, Nayeon confessed that she cheated on her and she's pregnant, using the excuse of " i wanted kids and he seems nice"

R won't overreact and just ask Nayeon to break up with them, so she won't have to lie about their break up. And just say that they broke up mutually.

(The reader is a KG teacher along with Sana, and Jihyo has a Daughter from a failed marriage. )

The R losses her sparkles and becomes less energetic, forgets everything easily, ends up not feeling a live, just a walking object.

Jihyo's 5yrs old daughter notices the changes in the R and starts to give her alot of attention. Asking her how she's Daily and ofc tells her mom about the changes she noticed in her teacher.

Sana have been crushing on R for as long as she remembers so when she sees the R recent change, she tries her very best to know what happened but R is very secretive.

Jihyo also likes R, but is afraid to confess for her failed marriage hunts her 'till this very day.

___________________________________________

I hope that makes sense and i expressed my request in a understanding way.

Thanks for your time and

Can i be 🪷 Anon!!!???

feel a way

• pairings : nayeon x fem! reader , sana x jihyo, sana x jihyo x fem!reader

• synopsis : your long time girlfriend , nayeon, confessed to cheating on you and getting pregnant. it broke your heart. even though you never openly said anything about to anyone, it was apparent. Park Heiran, the daughter of Park Jihyo and step child of Sana Minatozaki , witnessed this and told her moms. Sana had already been crushing on you for a while. so was Jihyo. can the help bring the light back in your eyes?

• warnings : angst , mentions of cheating , pregnancy , slight toxicity , fluff at the end , heartbreak , mentions of food , mentions of crying, its sad but has good moments, mentions of divorced parents.

• a/n : okay so i was writing this yesterday, but the app crashed and i lost all of that work. but i was thinking about making it a mini series because why not. also anon if you are seeing this: of course you can be 🪷 anon!! but yeah anyways i hope you all enjoy this!!

• story under the cut ;)

you had just come home from work. youre a kindergarten teacher. you love your students like your own children. and they were part of the reason why you wanted kids. nayeon, your longtime girlfriend, was laying in bed. she has been sick for the past couple months. you wanted her to go to the doctor but she always refuses. normally she would have no objections but you decided not to upset her and stopped asking her. she had her fingers in her mouth biting on her nails and had tears falling from her eyes.

nayeon? whats the matter sweetheart? i asked gently. shes also been very moody lately. ever since she came back from her friends house a couple months back , shes been a mess. she sniffled and looked at you. i need to tell you something y/n. she spoke softly. i approached the bed and laid next to her. whats up? i asked. she was trembling softly but it was still noticeable. y/n, do you remember when i went to my friends house? she inquired. yeah. uh Haneul, right? you replied. well hes not just my friend. she spoke.

you blinked a couple times trying to process this information. hes my boyfriend. and we talked about having kids. you know how much i want kids of my own, and he seemed nice. so one thing led to another and now im pregnant. she confessed. your mind went blank for a second. then the reality hit you like a ton of bricks. your longtime girlfriend of 5 years, confessing how she has a boyfriend and is now pregnant with his child. nayeon, i know i cant give you kids, but we talked about having kids when we got married. you said you could wait until then. you spoke, hurt and betrayal now apparent in your voice.

she looked at you. i know y/n, im sorry i hurt you like this. but please, stay here with me. she said. you stood up and started to pack your bags. please y/n. she begged. no nayeon, what the fuck did you think was gonna happen huh? you think im stupid enough to stay here and provide for you when you have a whole ass boyfriend who obviously is more than capable of taking care of you and that child? did you think i was gonna stay here and let you run over me? you paused to see her reaction. she only hing her head low. you must think im dumb. you must think im that fucking naive. well news flash , your wrong and just as stupid if you actually think im gonna sit here and be your puppet.

you huffed as you kept packing. nayeon staying silent. honestly nayeon, i thought you loved me. i thought you cared. you said as tears started coming down. she looked at you, she was hurt too. goodbye nayeon. you said and you picked up your bag. as you started to walk out, you looked at her one more time, tears falling from her eyes. you turned around and walked out. the feeling of leaving her made you sick to your stomach. you felt yourself about to breakdown. you were leaving the woman of your dreams , but you kept walking. you got in your car and drove to the nearest hotel. were you spent the night crying.

luckily, it was friday. so you had the whole weekend to cry. you decided to call one of your friends and you told her what happened. when you asked if you could stay until you got back on your feet , she was more than happy to have you home with her.

today is monday. youve spent the weekend crying. you cried so much, it looked like youve been beat up except your eyes were red. but by monday most of the puffiness was gone. you got ready to set everything up. you got your notes and things ready to present today. the bell rang for the students to come from in from breakfast. you wanted to smile but you were still hurting too much. you put on a mask so that only your eyes were showing. you spoke in your usual tone with the kids.

goodmorning class! how was your weekend? you said cheerfully. you were getting different replies from the kids. some said they went out of town, some said they hung out with eachother, some even said they did nothing. but one student, her name is Heiran, she just stared at you. she was looking in your dark eyes. she noticed that the sparkle that was normally there was replaced by grey skies. Heiran, what did you do? you asked her . oh i hung out with my mommies! she said cheerfully. you smiled softly at her and she smiled back.

you admired Heiran. her biological mother had a failed marriage. they got divorced when Heiran was just a baby. and she had to grow up with a single parent who wasnt making a lot but sure made sure that she had everything she needed. then she told you that her mother found a girlfriend and they were happy. she really didnt fit in with everyone but she didnt seem to care. you admired her because she always smiled even if her feelings were hurt. she was raised well.

it was now lunchtime. all students went to the cafeteria to eat their lunch. you opened your bag and took out a sandwich. normally with nayeon, she would pack you a homecooked meal, and even put a note in there to encourage you throughout the day. your eyes started to well up again until your favorite teacher friend , Sana, walked in. hey honey! she said. oh hey sana! you greeted back. you alright? you look like youve been crying. sana said, concern in her tone. yeah im fine, allergies. you spoke back. she side eyed you. y/n i have been around you long enough to know that allergies dont make you cry over a sandwhich. sana said. just leave it alone sana. you spoke a little harsh. hurt was becoming apparent in your tone.

alright. she said. then she took her lunchbox out and pulled her meal out. hers looked so good. it looked way better than the sorry sandwich you had in your hands. she noticed you staring at it. do you want some? she asked. no. im fine with this. i just wanted to see what you had. you said in a monotone voice. she only huffed out and started eating with you. she always did that. ever since you started working here, she always made sure to sit and eat with you. you looked at sana. her mouth was full, but you thought she looked cute. you always thought she was cute.

the bell snapped you out of your thoughts. sana hurried and finished her bite before she cleaned up. bye y/n. sana said. and she walked towards the door but turned around to look at you. she flashed the warmest smile ever. and walked away. the kids were quick to pile in after that. sanas smile seemed to make you feel slightly better. but you didnt give it much thought.

the bell rang for the last time today. it was dismissal. everyones parents were there to pick there kids up. the small children running into their parents arms. it made you think of nayeon. soon she will be of those moms with the man she cheated on you with. snapping you out of your thoughts, you felt someone tug on your hand. you looked and saw little heiran there. she looked up at you with a bright smile. you keep flashing that bright smile honey, youll outshine the sun! you told her. she giggled. uh, ms y/n? heiran asked. yes? you answered. um…nothing. she said. you only giggled at her.

whats your moms name? you asked her. my mommas name is Jihyo, and her girlfriend is Sama! she answered. Sama? that sounds kinda like sana. then the mom honked her horn. Heiran gave you one last hug before running off and getting in the car. her mom rolled down the window and waved. you waved back. and they drove off

[Jihyos Pov]

how was school today? did you make friends? i asked my daughter. shes had a hard time fitting in. i think its because she has two moms instead of one mom and one dad. no, but mommy, i think ms y/n is sad. Heiran said. oh? whats wrong with her? i asked. i knew Heiran loved her teacher. she always talked about her. and Sana too. and from all ive been hearing, ive seemed to have fallen in love with y/n. even if i havent spoken to her directly. i dont know mommy. Heiran said. i looked in the rear view mirror at her, she smiled and looked out the window.

soon we arrive home. i get dinner started and wait for my girlfriend to get home. and two hours later, she came home. hey honey! i greet her as i kissed her cheek. hi baby! she said and kissed me back. hi heiran! sana said. and heiran ran into her arms. after sana puts her coat down and gets comfy, i set the table and server dinner. we all ate and heiran went to her room and played with her toys. so uh heiran said that y/n was sad today. oh yeah. she was missing her usual spark. she was about to cry over a sandwich. she was staring at my food. she was just very dismissive which isnt normally like her. so i decided to call her girlfriend nayeon. and nayeon said that they broke up last friday. so i think shes just going through a tough breakup. sana and i conversed.

[end of jihyos pov] [first person pov]

the next day you went to work, you saw a box. it was on your desk, you furrowed your brow and walked over to it. there was a note on top of it. ‘im jihyo! heirans mom. please call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx! enjoy your meal’ is what it read. you opened the box and there was a nice meal in there. you smiled and set it aside for lunchtime. y/n? sana called. it startled you from the sudden voice. uh yes sana? you answered.

you and i need to talk… sana said

this is part one. there will probably be two parts but i had to end it here cuz im exhausted babes !! anyways i hope. you enjoyed this so far ! i have a surprise for my ateez lovers after this story is done. but anyways i hope you stick around to the next story. it gets juicier than kylie jenners lips. anyways love all!! even my new mootie ;)

©️luvanniiee on tumblr !!

[onyourowndaisymae]

fifteen with mammon! maybe breakup angst with mc breaking things off :))

"please don't go."

please don't do this. please stop saying the things you're saying. mammon can't handle you leaving him. not now. not after everything you'd been through.

same old argument. same sentiment you'd repeated over the years. you'd aged by his side, your youth slipping away from you with each year while he remained untouched by the passage of time. you'd always been verbal about your lifespan, a gain of sand in comparison to the vast desert of his own, and yet he'd always pushed the conversation away as it started.

he was scared. scared to lose you, scared to face the idea that there could be a day when he'd look into the crook of his arm where he held you to find the space empty. maybe this was the fear that lilith felt when facing her own lover's mortality. maybe this was the feeling that started the celestial war. fear. fear of loss. all over a human.

please.

"i can't watch you do this to yourself." your voice cracks as tears begin to take hold. mammon can't bring himself to move to your side.

"we can make it work. i don't-- i don't care about that future stuff. i want to be here, now, with you. nobody else."

"i can't even live to see all of our plans through. that's not fair to you. and i think you know that." you sniffle and dig your fingers into your tearducts to stop yourself from crying. "you deserve better."

"I don't want better," mammon insists. "i want you, damnit! we can-- we can find a way to make ya immortal like solomon, or-- or--"

"we've been over this. mammon, i don't want to be immortal."

silence echoed through his bedroom. your words felt like a knife to the chest, each added argument twisting the knife further until he felt weak. his chest was caving in on him with each panicked breath. he can do nothing but listen while you continue, silent tears blurring his vision until you're nothing but a familiar blob of colors.

"i have a family. friends. other humans i love. and humans aren't supposed to live forever. i can't... i can't handle that. i can't handle watching every human i care about die. i... i want normal."

you wipe your cheeks with the sleeves of your sweatshirt and step toward him. you gather the demon in your arms and he lets you. mammon is weak. he knows this kindness from you will do nothing but paralyze him in this moment-- one of the most painful moments of his life-- but he can't help it. he wraps his arms around your waist and buries his face in your chest.

"i love you." you whisper. "i love you more than anything. but i can't put you through that sort of heartbreak. you deserve a love that will last your whole life. not just something that disappears in the blink of an eye."

mammon had never before cursed the circumstances of his creation. he resented angelhood for a lot of things-- the loss of his sister, mainly-- and demonhood a few less. but never did he think that he would be cursing his very existence in either realm. maybe if he had been born human, he could be with you. maybe if he had been born human, he could have found you somehow, started a life with you, grown old by your side. he couldn't imagine it now, but if he could, in this moment, he'd throw away his whole life for a chance to be what you wanted.

but he can't. so instead, mammon holds you in his arms, and he prays. prays that maybe somehow, someway, you'll find your way back to his side.

until then, all mammon can do is to silently hope you change your mind.

ow :')

funny enough, i got another request for prompt fifteen at almost the EXACT same time as this, so i figured i might as well honor both

[500 follower event masterlist] // [obey me masterlist]

[nicksbestie]

can you write something where michael and reader go to the eras tour in paris? i just think it would be really cute and maybe the surprise song is the one michael proposed to you with :)

Paper Rings

word count : 1264

warnings : none

<3

Tonight was the night.

You and Michael had managed to get tickets for the Paris Eras Tour show, and there had been next to nothing you were more excited for. It had nearly topped Michael’s excitement over his own upcoming tour, and that was a feat to behold. However, you had no idea that there would be more surprises to come that night. As classic as it was, you both were going with the “Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Prince” costumes, feeling it was appropriate. You were both so happy with the way that the outfits had come out, and were nearly bouncing off the walls with excitement as you woke up that morning. 

Concerts were obviously a big part of your life, with your boyfriend being in a band and being on tour a lot. Even before meeting him you had always loved live music, and with everything being shut down for so long, you were excited to finally get back to it, especially in such a big way with seeing Taylor Swift. The pre-show anxiety was always really heavy but you were so ready this time that it outweighed it. You had spent weeks planning out how you were going to do every little thing, and unbeknownst to you, so had Michael, just in his own little ways. 

You had both followed all of the shows so far, seeing all of the surprise songs, groaning at losses of your favorites but cheering at some of the ones that had remained safe. The small amount of Reputation and Lover songs being played as surprise songs worried you a little bit that they wouldn’t be played at your show, but you knew that you’d love whatever you did get as your songs. Besides, you were seeing her in Paris, so you were insanely lucky to even get to go, and you couldn’t really complain. 

Waking up in the hotel room that morning, you’d normally want to spend some time curled up, cuddling with Michael, having those sweet, soft, early-morning moments, but not today. You wanted to be ready, as quickly as possible. You had lower bowl tickets, so you didn’t have to get in line or anything for your seats, because there was no pit at the shows, it was all seated, which took a lot of stress off of you. However, you still wanted to be ready as soon as you could because you wanted good photos before you looked like a wreck, a good spot in merch lines, and more. 

Michael was just as ready, he had actually been up before you, practically up before the sun was. He had big plans today, and didn’t want to risk you finding out anything about it, knowing that it would ruin his entire surprise. So, he pawned it off as just pure excitement for the show, knowing that you, also being insanely upbeat, would take it as a response easily. Which was exactly what he told you when you asked why he had been up for hours already, quietly slipping the small black box into his back pocket until he could move it to a safer spot without you seeing. 

Yes, he was planning to propose. He wanted to do it at just the right time, but he hadn’t figured out when yet. He knew that he was doing it at some point that night, hoping for a really fitting surprise song so that he could do it then, but if they didn’t get a fitting love song and instead got a sad song, he would do it during Bejeweled, most likely. He felt like the jewels fit the scenario of him giving you a ring, and he couldn’t keep the smile off of his face as he thought about. 

Somehow he was able to keep it a secret for almost a month now, not having told anyone, including his band. This was just a you thing, something very special to you and him, and he wanted to keep it that way as long as he possibly could. So, he tried his best to make sure that nothing slipped through the cracks, and he had succeeded so far. He knew this was going to be the best night of his life, because while he was very anxious about asking you to marry him, he knew deep down that you would say yes. 

The time between getting ready and leaving for the show passed so quickly, spending nearly the whole time laughing with each other, talking, doing makeup, and making sure that you ate beforehand. Concerts were very draining in energy, so you made sure you water, and all of your items in your clear bag, including bracelets that didn’t fit on your wrists, portable chargers, hair ties, and more random things you decided you might need. Being with Michael, who was fairly forgetful, you had become the master of “just in case”. You finally left, the excitement continuing to build and build as you got closer to the venue. 

– 

The show was going amazingly. You were nearly to the surprise song part, having a wonderful time. You’d traded armfuls of bracelets, knowing that they were possibly cutting into your circulation but just not caring. You were having way too much fun to spend time worrying about it, and you couldn’t even deal with the feeling of anticipation when you realized the last song before the surprise songs were starting. Michael was planning to pop the question during the second one, hoping for two love songs. The grin on his face nearly split wide open when he heard the opening notes of “Mine”, his hope flaring. 

The both of you spent the song wrapped up in each other, singing your hearts out, you were crying at some point, both from joy, love, and maybe a mixture of other things that you couldn’t decipher, but you still were having the time of your life. Your hand brushed against Michael’s back pocket, eyebrows furrowing in question as you wondered what he could have in there, considering that it was lumpy. But, as Taylor began speaking before introducing the next surprise song, you didn’t think about it any more. Michael didn’t think that the night could get more perfect or that his luck could’ve gotten any better when the first verse hit his ears. Clearly, the universe was on his side. 

“The moon was high, like your friends were the night that we first met…” 

You screamed in delight, holding onto Michael’s hand as you jumped around, dancing, singing, placing a kiss on his cheek, absolutely losing your mind but in a good way. You were so caught up in the moment that you didn’t notice Michael’s hand slipping from your grip, nor did you notice him crouching down, dropping to a knee. The people around you noticed first, shaking your shoulder and screaming, pointing at him. You turned to look, the tears flowing even harder as you realized what was happening. 

“I can’t give a speech here, but will you marry me?”

“Michael!” 

His face was so red under the lights, blush creeping down to his neck as he anxiously awaited your answer. You frantically nodded, just being able to get out a “Yes!” between the sobs. He slipped the ring onto your finger, standing up and kissing you. As you broke apart, you smiled, him wiping the tears off of your face, his smile getting even bigger as you spoke, looking at the ring. 

“Just so you know, I would’ve said yes to a paper ring.”

[letherivers]

The Dynamic of Cellbit and the Fed Workers and Fed Workers hiding themselves, a ramble

This is the first time I'm trying something like this, but I feel as though I'm one of the only ones who has connected these dots and seen the parallels that I'm going to talk about in this post and I feel as though I need to explore my thoughts and type them out for other people to see, think about and comment on

This contains mainly snippets of Cellbit and Bad's lore, including them during the hunger games wars, and lore from the past few days, including Quackity's stream on the 16th (lore from October 15th and 16th)

Saying this, it will contain spoilers so please be aware

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the 15th we learn about the A0 event that will be happening, Cellbit calls BBH to his castle where they talk about Ron and his kidnaping, and taking down the federation. Cellbit talks about how good it felt to kill a worker even if it was by accident and if Ron outwore his usefulness that Cellbit wished to kill him himself. BBH knows what Cellbit has gone through because they both went through it together. He is aware of the trauma that Cellbit endured and why he feels the way he does. Cellbit having to kill people to survive and do horrible acts (c*nnibalism, etc) in order to simply live. Cellbit was tortured by the Federation and wishes for it to burn to the ground and is happy to kill anyone (Fed workers mainly) who get in the way of it. He and BBH are happy to spare any workers who side with them, but Cellbit is very bloodthirsty

On the 16th, on Quackity's stream he disguises himself as Fred and infiltrates the Fed office and attends the meeting Fred is supposed to be at. There he seems the workers partying and having fun and checking in on each other, sharing information and drama and gossip.

And just being normal people, trying their best to live their lives, before having to go back to being a conformed mass, unable to show their personalities and unique traits except in small moments where they don't have to shove it all down and away in fear of being punished and possibly killed.

We learn from multiple POVs that the workers have had their memories messed with, some practically erased and have been forced from their original lives to work for the Federation, having to commit horrible acts against their will in order to survive. We see how cared for and loved Fred is to the workers during this time, all of them checking in, offering support and hugs, even accepting if he has romantic feelings for Tubbo and that they will be happy for him if he decides to pursue a relationship. One guard even states feeling grief and sadness over the loss of the eggs who have passed away, commenting on a photo of Quackity and Tilin stating he "hopes they [Tilin] are resting peacefully, and that he had high hopes for them". Quackity doesn't know how to process all of this due to his perception of the federation due to his treatment under them and sees them all as evil.

The parallels between Cellbit and the Federation workers is heartbreaking, both parties being forced to do terrible things in order to be safe another day and being traumatized by it; but unable to do much to escape what is happening unless they are finally given an out. So far it feels as though Cellbit and the other residents will be the out for the Federation workers, those that truly do not wish to be there and want to be able to live their lives freely without a looming threat that any outward traits that do not fit in a box carved for them will result in something terrible happening to them.

I hope that this can happen and that most of the workers will have a happy ending, because they seem to be just innocent people who have been put in a very terrible situation against their will.

Just a lot of thoughts that I need to get out of my head and my god does my heart hurt seeing so many similarities but Cellbit being too blinded by trauma to see that the workers are suffering just like he did.

[taylortruther]

i feel like a lot of fans are only able to view folklore in two extremes: (1) it’s all fiction, no influences from her life affect it (2) it’s all based in reality, to the point that there’s no fictional elements at all—the latter is just being used as a way to keep adding to the ‘she hated being with joe’ thing bc she writes about heartbreak. and honestly it just feels so trivializing to her craft as an artist. yes someone in a relationship can write about heartbreak without going thru it at the time, or you can channel feelings from a very specific period in time into art without it expressing ur current state. idk it just feels like people don’t want to listen to what she says about her own art

hmmm i agree but also think i might slightly disagree. imo taylor is bviously drawing from her own life for all of these songs, but i think the fandom has extrapolated a lot, post-breakup, that is not necessary.

it's not super relevant (to me) to try and find "signs" that things were leading to a breakup. all relationships have their issues! that's what she'll write about, even with travis or whoever. and often couples go through the same fights, the same issues, over time!! sometimes they lead to a breakup, other times you can manage them together and get stronger. sounds like perhaps taylor and joe were in the latter category until they simply couldn't do it anymore. that's...... normal!

plus, taylor was open about her own fears and anxieties, and she was also confronting memories and lessons learned because it was simply time - things like fear that her life was a burden, depression, suicidal ideation, what she's gained from her success, what she's lost, the loss of her masters and friendships, etc.

these are all intertwined with her songs in folklore, evermore, and midnights. and all of her love songs with joe. they're impossible to separate.

however, this isn't me suggesting it was all in her head. i have long taken issue with the fandom's old mentality that "all of their problems are due taylor's anxiety"... some of the songs (like hoax or renegade) make it clear joe had his own issues. duh. because he's human lmao.

but they're her songs about her experiences and fictionalizing some of these issues was therapeutic.

i don't really know why people struggle with this. idk.

[uxop]

Why did they kind of not fucked up this long episode, like it was pretty good. The way both Lady bug and Chat Noir were able to help Shady bug and Claw noir was very emotional and heartbreaking. For instance, when looking at the scene between Claw noir and Chat noir their grieving for the mother is the same, yet different in the sense of how they were coping with it. I liked how our Adrien showed Claw noir that even though he had knowledge of the effect of lady bug and cat noir miraculous together, he still chose to let it go and continue on, by seeing things in positive light and coping with it , EVEN with his fucked up dad relationships after the loss. Like the scene was so aahhh.I like, stoped washing my bathroom just to appreciate the scene properly.

BUT THE GABRIELS OPENING BRO FHIEODJFKD I M JUST A NORMAL MAN

[lakesbian]

Sorry for the discourse. Once in a reddit comment I called Alec a victim of sexual abuse, do you think that's accurate? A few people went out of their way to tell me that since he was the inflicting those acts (even if he was manipulated into them by his father) he isn't actually a victim. I know this is very specific and loaded but I think Alec being a victim even when he had power over others is a big part of his character. Power over others isn't freedom for him. I'd even say he enjoys having his agency taken away from him, (as in, he likes having someone else to base himself off not in the other way)

first of all you're good this is not Annoying Discourse to me it's just book club. we're literary analyzing right now. second of all:

yes, alec was extremely sexually abused, and despite it being what he talks openly about the least, the impacts it had on his psyche are blatant. unhinged victim-blaming arguments that preteenaged alec was actually totally morally culpable and evil for having sex w/ adults are bizarrely common--see this post for the breakdown refuting them. i do actually disagree w/ one aspect of it in retrospect. minor detail but worth refining regardless because i have to be the most precise alecposter ever or i'll die. read the post for context before you get into my addition to it here, but:

i initially interpreted the "cape groupies" statement as being in reference to child prostitution specifically for his powers, but in hindsight, given the implied chronology of his statement, ward making it explicit that heartbreaker was prostituting his children at extremely young ages (i.e prior to triggers), and alec's propensity for spine-breaking back-bends to avoid acknowledging the severity of the abuse he experienced, i think it's significantly more likely that he wasn't a cape at the time. he's avoiding acknowledging the reality that something he remembers as being one of the only times he was granted any semblance of physical intimacy or care was actually exploitative abuse by implicitly framing it as him being special, powerful, and desirable (a cape) to people who were below him (groupies). w/ the dual benefit that he doesn't have to admit the utter loss of autonomy to himself or the undersiders--he can cope with them thinking he's a horrible person, but he'd really rather not fess up to how badly he's been hurt.

you're also correct that power over others isn't freedom for him--see this post for elaboration on that. to quote myself in said post, "the most core aspect of his trauma is not what was done to him but what he was turned into." he was groomed for 13 straight years to turn into his father, to exist only as an extension of the harm his father causes--when he exerts control over others, it's not freedom for him, it's him being chained to the leash of what was beaten into him as a child. he was a doll being puppeted into puppeting others, and it's not easy to shake off those strings. the time we see him most blatantly exert abusive control over someone--sophia--is during the period in the story where he's telling himself that he doesn't care that all of his teammates (the only people he has in life) like each other more than they like him, the period where he's remembering what his father did to him + projecting the anger he's convinced he doesn't have onto sophia and hurting her for it, and the period where he's (as we retroactively learn through aisha) furiously jealous that other people get to have normal families who care about them and He Doesn't. it's a behavior he (largely unconsciously) wants to leave behind and (also largely unconsciously) falls back into because hurting people to avoid being hurt + to comfort himself was the only coping mechanism he was allowed as a child. it's him having been away from home for 2 years and still waking up and doing the things he was forced to do because sometimes he doesn't know how else to exist.

so yeah, he enjoys someone else calling the ethical shots every now and then, if he likes and trusts them. i go into that a bit here. it's why he starts those weird little conversations where he's trying to figure out what someone believes morally and why. it's why taylor observes that he'll go along with whatever the team decides. it's why he makes a joke about taylor laying down the law and enforcing no human sacrifice when brian is out of a battle. it's why when taylor wants to cram maggots in someone's eyes his final verdict is "if you're okay with it." it's why he thinks it's great that aisha could stab him to death in his sleep. he knows he's fucked up. he doesn't really want to be. so he watches and listens to his team, he fumbles towards being better w/ the little mental notes he unconsciously absorbs, and as much as he's desperate for autonomy and freedom, sometimes that autonomy and freedom comes in the form of being allowed to be the innocuous-looking guy sitting in the back of the room learning what people who weren't groomed into sexually assaulting people when they were ten think is normal. sometimes autonomy and freedom is having people he can trust to make the right calls when he knows he can't trust himself. i wouldn't describe it as "lack of agency," because he's still choosing whether or not to listen (and BOY does he not listen sometimes), but the sentiment you intended is accurate.

ok hope that helps. enjoy the several thousand words of alecposting i just linked you to

[typewriter-worries]

what seems like forever ago, @geryone so kindly tagged me and asked me to share nine book recommendations. after combing through some of my recent reads, here are some of my favorites:

My short little summaries and thoughts are listed under the cut:

Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin - Giovanni's Room is about a young man in David and his summer romance with another young man named Giovanni. Through the lens of love and heartbreak, David goes through a journey of identity.

Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk - We follow our narrator, for now we can call him Joe, as he begins a very unconventional friendship with a man named Tyler. Men fight, they also bite and many a problems arise.

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini- Historical fiction novel that is set agains the backdrop of many events from the fall of Afghanistan's monarchy to the rise of the Taliban regime. I don't think I've cried harder reading a book so that's my own weird way of saying I can't recommend it enough.

For One More Day by Mitch Albom- Little read with a lot of heart. Fictional baseball player has the chance to spend one more day with his late mother, who he misses more than he ever thought he would. Another book that kept me crying into the middle of the night.

If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio - I feel like if you like dark academia; this is an essential. A group of Shakespearean acting students at the fictional Dellecher Shakespeare conservatory get wrapped in a murder and it's an ongoing case of whodunit.

A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood - A delicate look into the mundane crafted through the lens of grief, loss and heartache. We follow the life of George, a middle-aged gay man mourning the loss of his partner. Like Giovanni's Room, I think it's a staple of queer literature.

I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy - A heartbreaking memoir that's sprinkled with the well timed moment of comedy. We learn about Jennette McCurdy's tumultuous relationship with acting, the abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother, and her own way of working towards healing.

Promises of Gold by José Olivarez - If prose isn't your thing; this might be! Promises of Gold is a poetry collection in which Olivarez family, identity, love and quarantine. One of my personal favorites is Regret or My Dad Says Love

A Short History of the Girl Next Door by Jared Reck - A story about first love that in ends heartbreak in more ways that one. It's first person and it's YA, two things I normally never read, but it's just so so good. Forget crying into the middle of the night, this had me crying well into morning

no pressure tagging: @firstfullmoon and @soracities if you have anything you want to recommend <3

[mari-lair]

Ohhh your actually dead Akane theory makes me wonder how the other characters would react to learning that, especially Teru given that Akane is his first friend! Like ever! And he's already walking on a thin line because Akane's a half supernatural, but then he's actually dead? And he has to deal with the fact that he would lose the first person to see him for himself? Heartbreaking.

If we pretend my Akane is already dead theory is right, I think it would be revealed when he dies, and there are two alternatives: He could lose all connections to supernaturals when he dies and become a normal spirit or he is already intertwined with the clock keepers and will immediately be a full supernatural.

If his contract does force him to be a full supernatural when he dies, or if he chose to linger of his own accord after death, he will go against the natural order of the dead and cease to be the ‘person’ we know.

We can’t say how much Akane would change as a supernatural, but I personally believe he would have a big denial stage, convinced that he is not like other supernaturals, his soul is still human, since delusions and arrogance is something that don’t seem to be altered too much from their human self. They may even became stronger in the years and years supernaturals spend refusing to change their core beliefs.

I can picture Aoi trying to delude herself that “Akane is still around” if he became a supernatural, cause his apparence likely won’t change much, and she isn’t very familiar with this fantastical world. She was herself on the far shore (when ‘dead’) so Akane would be himself too, right? Ideally to me, they would cling to denial, mutually hurting each other out of love and a selfish insistence to not let go.

And if he just moves on, I can imagine Aoi locking herself in her room, trying to detach herself from it all but breaking down at a seemingly random moment because they were so ingrained in each other's life, everything must remind her of him.

Nene wasn’t as close to Akane as Aoi or Teru, but his death could be her wake up call. We are shown many times that Nene doesn’t want to think about death, doing her very best to put an optimistic spin on things and push any thoughts that make her uncomfortable away. Because of it, she ends up self-sabotaging herself and does not fully understand the gravity of losing a life. Be it her own, or of other people.

I can see his death being used similarly to Sumire's soul being eaten: Something that forces her to face loss head-on, but worst than Sumire because her ghost was of a different time, and as depressing as it sounds, no one Nene knows cares about Sumire, she will not be missed, but Akane dying would affect everyone. People will feel his loss and react to it, be it by her close friends joining in on her depressive mood (which makes it harder to push her negative feelings aside) or by her classmates not remembering him. Which is a good pipeline to what she doesn’t want to see but needs to face it “The one dead could have been you. This is you. You’re a walking corpse too.” route. There are just a lot of cool possibilities.

Kou would be shattered, take it as another failure. Even if it is completely out of his hands. Cause they weren't very close, but he trusted Akane.

As for Teru!

I believe Teru doesn’t care that Akane is half supernatural, he sees him as a normal human with supernatural powers, so Akane becoming a full supernatural would fuck Teru up a lot. There is no space for denial with Teru, he knows how the world works: Regardless if Akane moves on or if he becomes a supernatural with memories, the person Teru could comfortably call a friend will be gone.

Is very hard to know how Teru would act. On one hand, the people he gets attached to are irreplaceable to him. He treasures them dearly, and I doubt he can comfort himself with the knowledge that this is Akane's fate and there is nothing he can do to change it, like he did with Nene's situation.

Teru could try to be close to this new Akane (cause he always prioritizes the people he loves over his exorcism job: stealing from the shrine he works for to save Aoi, not exorcising Hanako cause Kou might hate him, tolerating all the mokkes cause ‘tiara like them’, using being a ‘cool big bro’ as his main motivation for working hard as an exorcist, and so on), but Teru is awful at handling change. He will make a mistake at some point. Or ‘Akane’ will say something that is far too disconnected from his human self to keep the illusion that “not much changed”. This approach would end badly, it's only a matter of time.

On another hand. Teru can stay level-headed about anything related to the supernatural, and he is used to death and radical situation. If he knows Akane is beyond saving and trying anything would do more harm than good, he may as well... Not do it.

When his mom died, it must have greatly affected him, and he was far far younger than now, but we never got any hint he obsessed over it. He was just... forced to accept it. To move on.

Loss is a part of life. And Teru knows that well.

If Akane became a supernatural that can hardly be called Akane anymore. I can imagine Teru visiting Akane’s grave more than “the keeper of the present”

[hanna-kin]

Wille and Erik

I love the relationship between Wille and Erik. It remains one of my favourite of the whole shoe depsite how few scenes they had together.

There's so much left unsaid but we as an audience still get to know so much about their relationship. The show tells so much with so little.

From the beginning it's clear that Wille idolises Erik and looks at him as if Erik can do no wrong.

We see Erik support Wille on his first day at Hillerska. It's Erik. It's Erik not their parents that accompanies Wille to school. He senses Wille’s anxiety and comes up with a way to cheer him up. He's a big brother.

But just as quickly we see how he's also the crown prince and very much part of the establishment. He tells Wille to stop being selfish when Wille expresses his worries and anxieties. Even if he loves his brother you get the feeling that Erik wishes Wille would just comply for once and not cause trouble.

We see him comfort Wille and give him a hug but when Wille clings to him he eventually gets annoyed. It's not time to play. He doesn’t have time. So he leaves Wille standing, watching his big brother leave him behind.

We also see them on the phone together several times and it's clear Erik is a person Wille opens up to. He's his bigger brother. And Erik once again shows that he's supportive of Wille. He teases him about his crush and is happy for him.

And then of course Erik dies and Wille’s life falls apart. Not only is his brother and up until now closest friend dead, he's also forced to immediately step into Erik’s shoes and fulfill a role he knows Erik played to perfection. In his mind living up to Erik feels impossible.

He struggles so much with this burden and he's determined to honour his brothers legacy. He's still convinced that Erik was perfect and wants ti live up to that. We see him grieve his brother while he tries to figure out what this new role means for him. As things unravels around him we see him longing for the comfort Erik used to provide him.

If anything, Erik's death just solidifies Wille's idea that Erik was perfect and flawless.

In the opening of season 2 we still see him struggle with his grief and loss. At the same he's literally drowning under the pressure of being the Crown Prince because once again, Erik was the perfect Crown Prince and how can he possibly live up to that?

Why is he struggling so much when Erik didn't? Why is he not strong like Erik was?

He expresses it in the scene with Erik. That he feels like their parents are not proud of him and that they wish he was a better spare.

Erik cheers him up and also gives him the snow globe. He also hints at how much pressure he's feeling

At least you don't have to be Crown prince.

I don’t think Wille realises then. He's just focused on the fight and the fact that his parents are sending him away, seemingly punishing him for not being good enough.

But then as season 2 progresses we see how his perception of his brother kinda falls apart.

The snowglobe represents both of them. Erik was also trapped in his role and then he gave it to Wille. He was only set free because he died. And then Wille was the one who got trapped instead.

As we all know, the snowglobe shatters and while it's a heartbreaking moment for Wille it also allows him to slowly break free.

We see him stand up for himself and set boundaries. He starts regaining control, little by little. Even it's baby steps it still means something.

And through his therapy sessions Wille learns more and more about himself.

Boris shows him that it's okay to feel pressure and to feel like it's too much. I don't think Wille’s really reflected on that before. How much pressure he's under and that it's not normal.

He also learns that Erik also went to therapy and he realises that Erik hid alot from him. He wasn't perfect and he wasn't bulletproof. He too struggled with the burden of being Crown Prince.

In the end I think it helps him come to terms with his own struggles. He now knows that the expectations on him are unfair and unreasonable.

He's allowed to feel what he feels. He's allowed to choose for himself how to live his life. He's allowed to be open.

[archduke-enver-gortash]

what are zeke and the companions’ dynamics like? what are their first impressions of each other?

and why does minthara leave in act 3? (i mean the answer’s fairly obvious but it’ll sound better from you)

i uhhhhmm have to replay the game to give you accurate answers for everyone because a lot has changed since my first playthrough 6 months ago but i think the only ones that will stay relatively the same is his dynamic with shadowheart.

so, zeke and her are very enemies to ‘lovers’ basically lmao. zeke is skittish and extremely mean to everyone, but especially someone like shadowheart, who is not afraid to bite back against his bullshit, makes him act out. she offers him her last healing potion one time because he’s (as usual) more injured than her and he shatters it against the ground, thinking he’s being so clever by exposing her attempt to poison her.

when you ask him why he’s letting her stick around, or more accurately, sticking around her, he’d spit in your face, grunt and walk away, but really he comes to see her as a big comfort. someone who lost his memory like him. he almost sees it as distraction from his own memory loss, figuring out her ‘case’ so to speak. she’s also a cleric, and subconsciously i think zeke just deeply wishes for some healing, y’know. even if the wounds gortash inflicted/inflicts on him are not able to healed, it’s a nice thought i think. and most importantly: shadowheart, besides just seeing the wild freedom in zeke she never really had in her life and coming around to finding it absolutely beautiful like a raging storm is beautiful (her being afraid of wolves but then finding the beauty in them do you get it), sees that smart, fiery young man who gives 110% to everything he does. and she wants to believe that there is good in him, too. that he is a person. a person who is capable of loving her back. those last things are not true of course, but zeke is so extremely drawn to people who have a ‘i can fix him’ mentality about him, people who are good/things he could never be, because to some degree, he WANTS to be fixed. he WANTS to be normal and he wants to love and do things normal boys do. have crushes and go on dates and get married and have kids. but that’s him dreaming and really just hiding from gortash. he’s someone who hides in the shadows quite a bit, and this is no different. because if he really was capable of being the person shadowheart believes he could be, then he wouldn’t be gortash’s/the machine’s antithesis/archnemesis as the wild anymore.

i really like the ‘wolf who has been on the hunt for so long that its paws are bloody resting on a flowerbed temporarily and involuntarily crushing the flowers during this before getting up again’ imagery for them… like, zeke is not a good partner. he’s horrible. shadowheart i am so sorry… it’s like hugging a wall of thorns….

but again in between all this heartbreaking stuff there’s also lots of moments in which zeke genuinely gets close to feeling happiness for the first time in (t)his life (insert gortash seething behind the scrying eyes control board here) and also just. lots of shenanigans. zeke has 5 charisma and is just so painfully awkward and awful. sometimes he just crawls into her tent in the middle of the night and just like. watches her while chewing on his fingernails or something and when she wakes up and ask him what tf he’s doing he’s just like. ‘being…boyfriend…?’ like. god.

shadowheart about him is basically that one post that’s like. ‘yeah it’s rotten work. especially if it’s you i’ll fucking do it but christ alive’ and she NOTHING but pain and suffering for it!!! because that’s what happens when you get involved in that bullshit in any way sigh

also while gortash does not like this situation, he has no ill will towards shadowheart actually, that all goes to zeke as usual. he sees it for what is: zeke dreaming, attempting to hide from him in some way, pretending to be something he’s not. he punishes zeke for that alone. he will drag him out of the shadows into his searing light & their war as he always does.

he does have a conversation with shadowheart (in an emotional outburst she tries to assassinate him for what he did to zeke the night prior and he’s of course aware of her breaking in and all but lets her get through into his room in which he’s waiting for her with a cup of tea lol) and he’s basically telling her that he doesn’t care what happens to her, but that he won’t have to do anything about her transgressions tonight because zeke is going to kill her sooner than later. she ultimately stays with zeke and gortash, zeke expert 9000, is of course right, but again, does not give 2 shits about shadowheart, maybe even preferred this outcome because it caused zeke more suffering.

edit: they are so ‘i love you’ ‘it’ll pass’ coded. sorry