#hell yeah take that executive dysfunction

[noivoom]

AAAAA couldn’t stop thinking about yesterday’s episode. There was a lot to unpack and others went over the Big Main Things better than I can so I just wanted to share some of my thoughts on a couple of other things

incoherent ramble time

First of all, I think we all noticed the Computer’s sudden change of attitude. What it said to Sun at the end about the Old Moon being gone and needing to accept that was SO INTERESTING. Just… the WAY it spoke, slowly and almost hesitantly, as if it was just coming to those realisations itself. It’s constantly been comparing Moon to his old self, behaving like they’re still the same, treating him with more and more snark as if actively trying to get him to act “correctly”. Forcing him to work under pressure, treating taking Sun off the “subject list” like a joke, ramping up its attitude... surely it’ll work eventually, right? He’ll start acting like his old self in no time, they just have to keep pushing. It almost seemed frustrated that Moon constantly refused to. Because Moon isn’t the same person anymore. He hasn’t been the same person since the day he woke up.

All of the Old Moon’s actions, his anger and distance and defensiveness, it all stemmed from the fear and trauma of spending most of his life trapped in someone else’s body while also dealing with the kill code (has anyone else ever thought about how terrifying the first moments of his existence would’ve been?? Stuck helplessly in the head of someone who doesn’t even know he’s there, he doesn’t know why and all he can do is lash out in anger because it’s not fair and I have A LOT of feelings about this but that’s for a different post entirely).

New Moon didn’t have that. Sure things were far from perfect with Eclipse and everything, but he had a family. Sun was there to tell him what’s going on, and Earth to teach him good habits. Sure, he has a similar personality, same sense of humour, similar reactions when mad (meeting Banban in VRchat and that one Roblox maze, anyone?), but his base personality only goes so far. He hasn’t learned the same behaviours. He’s a different person now.

(… where was I going with this? RIGHT THE COMPUTER.)

I always thought that maybe the Computer was suddenly being an ass because it didn’t know how to deal with Moon’s reset. It wasn’t really created with that kind of emotional range in mind, and it’s never had to deal with something like this before. This whole time the Computer’s been clinging to the Old Moon, whether in some kind of grief or denial it’s been refusing to process. But I think what Moon said to Sun, “you refuse to think I can be different,” made it FINALLY realise that Old Moon and New Moon aren’t the same, and only when talking to Sun did it start to actually accept the fact. Again, the way it spoke then... it really felt like just as significant a moment character-wise for the Computer as it was for Moon.

Maybe it’s going to be more empathetic from now on. OR I’m completely wrong about all this and it goes back to it’s regularly scheduled dickishness in a few episodes, that’s possible too lol—

I can’t help but wonder how long Moon’s been sitting on this, though? He cares about Sun so much, he’s been trying so hard to help and prove he’s different, but it must still hurt that he’s receiving the fallout of actions he doesn’t even remember. He only knows what happened second-hand through what little Sun tells him and a freaking youtube channel of all things; he doesn’t understand why the Old Moon did the things he did. They’re quite literally different people at this point. And he knows Sun’s struggling, knows Sun has every right to feel this way, but he can’t help if Sun doesn’t let him. He’s been trying so hard to prove that he won’t treat Sun like the Old Moon did, he doesn’t WANT to hurt him like that, ever, but after finding out Sun lied to him, it must feel like he’s been making no progress at all. How long has this been festering in his mind? An outburst like that doesn’t just happen. It wouldn’t help that Earth is the only one who never knew the Old Moon, and thus doesn’t have any expectations of how he should act outside of how he is now. Not to mention the Star still affecting the rest of the Pizzaplex. How long has he felt trapped by the shadow of his predecessor?

Another thing I’ve noticed is the whole… “giving more attention to Moon’s problems” thing. For most of the show, Sun’s issues have been largely ignored, brushed off, or relegated to a “one-time issue that’s been resolved”. Because this is Sun, he’s the happy one, he always bounces back, he’s always fine in the end! Right? I’m so glad he’s been having the spotlight recently, he absolutely deserves it and needs to have his issues addressed. But something that occurred to me after this episode is that that same issue has been threatening to repeat itself, just in the opposite direction. Because Moon’s fine now, he doesn’t remember any of his trauma, he’s all relaxed and goofy so there’s no need to worry! Something that’s been rather prevalent in this show is cycles. Moon hurting Sun and apologising, only to slowly start falling back into the same behaviours that caused the issue in the first place. Sun screws up, Moon fixes it, Sun wants to be useful and does something else that results in more problems. One brother starts spiralling, the other spirals because of it. THE TRUCK LOAD OF MISCOMMUNICATION. Sun’s mental issues certainly are more immediately concerning (for obvious reasons), but the last thing we need is yet another cycle of one brother’s issues overshadowing the others. If anything, this is actually the perfect opportunity for them to break out of this particular cycle before it can even get started, as well as the communication issues everyone’s been talking about. They both have their own issues, and sometimes they clash in the worst ways (as we saw frequently in the past), but neither of them should invalidate the other. This is their chance for both of them to start putting things right.

[un-pearable]

google search how to get people in your life to take your suspicions of inattentive adhd seriously when you’ve been an anxiety-ridden overachiever your entire life

[zebracakesarecopingmechanisms]

(refrencing this) Thoughts on The Ballad of Jane Doe?

Dude holy Shit.

[ladykailitha]

Can Anybody See Me? Part 21

Executive dysfunction is a bitch and can go to hell. I had something I could have posted yesterday while I was working on this, but no...

I am starting to wonder if maybe I shot myself in the foot with my tag rant as engagement for the last Reconnect AU was WAY down. But oh well. I can only continue to move on and hope I find new people who like my stuff.

All righty, my lovelies. We have gotten to the part where I was going to end it originally before you absolute menaces said you wanted me to continue it through season 4.

But here’s the deal, this story has reached nearly novel length of 40k. So what I’ve decided to do is call this the end of book one. And then I will start up book two, which will be through to the end of the school year and probably through the events of season 3. And then book 3 should take us the rest of the way.

I hope that’s acceptable to all of you. I want to continue it, but I think from here on out the title doesn’t fit Steve anymore and he needs a new one.

Now if you’ve followed me long enough, you know that I don’t start putting out a story until it’s done (if it’s short enough) or if I’m three to four chapters deep. So hopefully by the end of the month (if not sooner) you should start seeing book two.

I will run a poll on how you think I should do the tag list for it. But thank you all for coming with me on this absolutely wild ride. And hope you’ll stick around for the next two parts.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20

***

Word had been handed down, Mindy Jones, Ollie Anderson, and Kyle Carver had been suspended with word that Kyle being the instigator might be expelled. For sure he wasn’t going to be able to walk in his cap and gown at graduation.

Steve felt a sense of relief and strangely justice too. Yes, all right suspension wasn’t getting expelled, but the kids had been punished. They didn’t try to hand wave it away.

Steve had heard that Mr Vinke, the math teacher, Mr Cole, Miss Lucy, and Chief Hopper had all gone to the principal and superintendent for all three of them to be expelled.

The suspension was a given, but the school district wanted to do their own investigation and then expulsions might be handed out after it was complete.

Steve didn’t have much hope.

Marty, Gethin, and Janice all sat with the Corroded Coffin boys at lunch, something they didn’t normally do.

“Fuck,” Janice swore. “Why I am more nervous about tonight than I have all week?”

Steve nodded, poking at his food. “I haven’t been this queasy since I took a plate to the head.”

Everyone winced and murmured sympathetic platitudes and other noises of sympathy.

“I think it’s because it’s your last performance,” Gethin murmured. “Your last chance to completely biff it on stage.” Steve and Janice looked at him in wide-eyed fear. He waved his hands placatingly. “Not that I think you will. Just that your brain thinks you will.”

Steve and Janice looked at each other and then nodded.

“Yeah,” Steve agreed. “That tracks.”

Eddie slid his hand under the table and gripped Steve’s knee. Steve covered his hand with his own and gave it a squeeze of thank you.

*

Steve scanned the crowd the second night. He spotted Jeff and all his family, Gareth and Gethin and their parents, Brian and all of his younger siblings, and what looked like his dad. Wayne shuffled in his seat nervously, having never been to a musical before. But still no sign of his parents.

His mom promised that at least she would be there, even if his dad refused to come. And he held on to that. He managed to make it through the show and held it together.

He went out to be congratulated by his friends and their families. Wayne brought him flowers.

“You did good, boy,” he said gruffly, after giving him a hug. “I looked it up and flowers are the gift you give someone after a well-done performance.”

Steve looked down at the bouquet of wild flowers and smiled. “Thank you. I love them.”

Jeff clapped him on the shoulder. “They might be a tad wilted by the time we’re done, because we’re taking you out to eat in celebration.”

Steve teared up a bit. “Thanks, guys.”

Gareth smiled. “You deserve it, man. That was awesome!”

Gethin nudged his shoulder. “We’re just waiting for Janice and Eddie to get done.”

Steve nodded. Eddie had to reset the stage for tomorrow and Janice had to get out of a corset and that took some time.

“Yeah, no problem!” he enthused.

Eddie finished first and came out to meet them.

“Hey, Steve!” he said. “Feeling famous yet?”

Steve laughed. “I’m going to get fat if this keeps up. First ice cream last night and then dinner tonight.”

They all laughed. “It’s impossible for you to gain weight, man,” Brian huffed. “I’ve seen you eat a whole pizza and didn’t even get bloated.”

Steve laughed. “Playing three sports does that to you. Hell, I still life guard at the rec center every summer.”

Brian eyed his lean form skeptically. “I suppose so.”

“Swimming’s fun,” Steve said. “And it’s not just for us jock types.”

Janice finally came out. “Sorry to keep you waiting guys. Sharing with Tammy Thompson is hell let me tell you. I don’t know how someone so tiny can take up so much room.”

“At least you don’t have to share the choir room with twenty sweaty dudes that wouldn’t know deodorant if it bit them in the ass,” Steve grumped.

Gethin shook his head. “Shouldn’t you be used to that from sports?”

Steve rolled his eyes. “At least there are showers after basketball. Can’t say the same here.”

Gethin’s lips curled. “Fair.”

Wayne clapped his hands. “All right, I’ve got us a place reserved, so we need to hustle. Eddie and Steve are coming with me.”

Eddie and Steve filed out with the rest of them and followed Wayne out to his truck.

Steve slid into the middle between Eddie and Wayne.

“Thanks for this, Wayne,” he murmured. “And the flowers, too.”

“You’re welcome, Stevie,” he said. “I didn’t see your parents. Did they show up last night?”

Steve shared a glance with Eddie and then shook his head. “There’s still tomorrow.”

Wayne and Eddie shared a glance of concern over Steve’s head.

“I’m sure that’s the case,” Wayne agreed.

An uneasy silence settled on them as they drove to the restaurant. Wayne parked and turned to Steve.

He pulled him in for a great big hug and then opened the door. “It’ll be all right.”

Steve nodded and slid out after Eddie.

The dinner was just as ruckus as the ice cream parlor the night before. With just as many people. Steve looked around and smiled.

Yeah, 1985 was his year and it was just getting started.

*

Steve looked out to the audience and knew, even in the dimmed lights his parents weren’t there.

“Tell me, Mr Thomson, out of curiosity, do you stand with Mr Dickinson, or do you stand with me?” Vince asked.

Steve could feel the sting of tears in his eyes. He held up the dispatch. “I stand with the General. Lately–I’ve had the oddest feeling that he’s been–writing to me…”

He slowly rose to his feet as he sang,

“I have been in expectation Of receiving a reply On the subject of my last fifteen dispatches. Is anybody there?”

His voice cracked with emotion as he stepped half out of the spotlight.

“Does anybody care? Does anybody care? Y’r humble & ob’d’t–”

The drum rolled and Steve looked up into the eagle’s nest where Eddie was doing the spotlight. A single tear ran down his cheek.

Steve looked down at the paper in his hand and then back up at Eddie. And then he exited the scene on cue.

Eddie swore he saw more tears in that moment then for ‘Mama Look Sharp’ that night.

But that performance of Steve’s brought out something in Vince in that moment. Vince’s John Adams bid Hancock good night, but then it changed. All the emotion and fear of not being seen or heard. The loneliness that Adams must have been feeling in that moment, borrowed from the loneliness of both Washington and Thomson.

“Is anybody there–”

Silence.

“Does anybody care–?”

Again, nothing.

“Does anybody see–what I see?”

And then Kenny came on and delivered the line with a sharpness that hadn’t been there before.

“Yes, Mr Adams, I do.” As if to banish all the fears and insecurities that John was having in that moment.

And Steve could almost hear it as though it was coming from Eddie. As if it was coming from his friends. The party. Wayne.

Yes, his parents weren’t there. They never were. And probably never were going to be. But that didn’t mean that no one was listening to Steve. That no one cared.

They all cared. Every last one of the dozens of people that showed up the last two nights. They cared. They brought their families. Brought flowers. Thought he was worthy of celebrating. Worth treating.

For the boy with the bat.

The boy that never knew what love really was until he looked up from a god damned garbage can into those warm and friendly brown eyes. A warm hand on his back and a gentle ‘Are you okay?’

In that moment, Steve’s life had become changed. Different. Better. All because a teacher took pity on Steve and chose Eddie Munson of all people to be Steve’s protector.

And he looked up at Eddie in the rafters and though he couldn’t see him, he knew that Eddie was looking back at him. Smiling back at him. Loving him for all his worth.

And if you had asked Steve what his worth was back in December he would have told you nothing. He wasn’t worth anything but being the baby-sitter. But now?

Now Steve was a baby-sitter, chauffeur, groupie, actor, chef, swimmer, friend, brother, and most importantly boyfriend. And maybe if he was really lucky, someone’s son.

***

Fin.

Fuck, rereading this to add back in the formatting made me cry. My apologies if it makes you cry too.

Tag List: @shrimply-a-menace @strangersteddierthings @throwbackthrowaway @novelnovella @cursedfoxteeth @babyblender @garden-of-gay @anaibis @lifeisnotsobadonceyoustopcaring @swimmingbirdrunningrock @steve-the-hairrington @winterbuckwild @spectrum-spectre @matchingbatbites   @thing-a-ling @fandemonium-takes-its-toll @artiststarme @sundead  @nelotegreitic @gregre369 @butterflysandpeppermint @thedragonsaunt @kodaik97 @messrs-weasley @scarletzgo @deadlydodos @renaissan-vvitch @evix-syne666 @emly03 @justforthedead89 @ashwinmeird @huniibee @phantypurple @stevesbipanic @shucks-yuckyuck @lovelyscot @awkwardgravity1 @bookbinderbitch @reportinglivefromsoda @jinxjinn @chasinggeese @be-the-spark-bitch @kohlraedirectioner @cr0w-culture @xjessicafaithx @whimsicalwitchm @jaywhohasthegay @estrellami-1 @dangdirtydemons @howincrediblysapphicofyou @the-redthread

[enbysaurus-rex]

So maybe life is hard sometimes

and it would be nice if it were easier. It might not be any one thing, but maybe there are a lot of little problems that add up or thinks that are just exhausting? Disability/executive dysfunction/life/burnout maybe has you down, that’s all, and you know you can make your space yours to make it better, but what does that mean???

An incomplete list in no particular order about the Weird Shit I do to make my life less fucking exhausting, sometimes. I’m a certified adult, I promise.

More garbage cans! Put them everywhere! Next to your bed and your chair and your couch and both ends of your counter and your litter boxes and-

Hair ties, everywhere! If you have tie-back-able hair! Brushes, maybe, or combs! I keep them in my desk and in my kitchen and my bathroom and my car and my floor (I have cats) and my trunk and my bag and-

Toothbrushes and toothpaste! Gum! Those weird little single use toothbrush fuckers! Everywhere! I keep a toothbrush and kids toothpaste in my car cup holder! I brushed my teeth at 3pm while running an errand for my boss! I use kids toothpaste bc my hands hate me and it’s easier to squeeze! Big packs at the dollar store for the toothbrushes, and you can get cheap toothpaste! Hell, even if you just use the brush it’s better than nothing!! I keep another set in my shower and in my kitchen and in my bag

Loads of chairs! Seating! Everywhere! Stools in the kitchen, chairs by your vanity, shower chairs, literally??? There’s no law that says you have to stand up??? Sit on the goddamn floor if you’ve been standing in line for too long? I do it all the time? Live your best life!

Pre-chopped/cooked/peeled/whatevered food!! Whatever makes food edible for you, fckn do that! No need for extra steps! I throw a handful of craisins in my jar of peanut butter and then eat them out of the jar with a plastic spoon! There’s a food truck out there where they get worried if I don’t show up every day! I eat beans straight out of the jar if I’m not up to cooking! (I like cooking and I love my slow cooker but??? If you’re not up to it? Who gives a shit??? Get you some minute rice and some beans and microwave that shit!)

Disposable! Dishes! Fuck! Throw them away! Dishes are the WORST?? Buy some plastic bowls and some utensils and just!!! Yeet em!!! (Meal prep containers are great if u can bc you can keep reusing them if u want but u don’t have to? You can put them in the fridge if you don’t finish, take it to lunch the next day, rinse, repeat!)

Changing clothes totally depends on your work wardrobe? But fckn sleep in the next days clothes if you have to/can? Or sleep in some of it and leave the rest laid out next to you? Sometimes getting all the way dressed and undressed is too goddamn much?? Fuck knows I can’t!

Cleaning!! Clorox wipes are the love of my life and I would kill for them! Leave a box of those fucks everywhere! Esp the back of the toilet, where you bathe, and near where you meal prep, cuz that’s where you’re gonna have Waiting Time! Which means your bored little gremlin hands could clean!

Put things close to the floor if u gotta! I used to keep all my appliances (my slow cooker, my microwave, tea kettle, etc) on the floor bc I was too tired to stand up very often? So I propped myself up on walls and did my veggie chopping on the floor

If u gotta crawl, crawl. Butt scooch? Do that. Lean on walls, hang onto counters, do whatever. I’m usually dragging myself around the apartment like a shitty legless zombie extra and my cats love it. Maybe put extra pillows around for yourself if you’re a spontaneous napper

If keeping food fresh/using food before it goes bad is hard, buy frozen or canned or eat out. I sure as hell have no idea when the things in my fridge got there, and I’m lucky I’ve only gotten food poisoning like once that way lol, so just?? Yeah

Medicine bottles can come with easy open caps! You have to promise there aren’t kids in the house, but if u ever have grip strength issues or even if it’s a reason you sometimes don’t take your meds (CVS bottles, I’m looking at you), just ask your pharmacist to switch them out. They’ll do it so fast!

Charge cords everywhere! None of that ‘idk where I put my cord 😭’ shit cuz I have like? So many? All of them cheap? But they do the job

Please add more if you have them? These are ones I can think of from bed because someone reminded me that I Do Things Like This Now and it might be useful to someone

[anti-katsuki-lounge]

So I’m writing a fanfic, and due to the fact that it's a very important set piece I have to adapt, I watched Two Heroes a few weeks ago

And after reading fanfic for a good four years straight (and reading manga chapter summaries and reviews) I was fucking whiplashed by the fact that the moment Bakugo opened his mouth I was reminded why fucking hated him again

Like yeah I'm intimately aware of the fact that his personality is steamed sewage (thanks Kaminari) but good fucking Lord, Izuku didn't even beat him in the villain target practice shit (and that's another thing, I forgot how Horikoshi will literally never let Izuku have a dub over Bakugo-*** even though this is Post-Full Cowel and Stain and realistically should have won)* but he immediately fulfills his role as barky pomeranian and curses his general existence.

Thank God he's barely a factor since Melissa takes up most of his possible screentime (should have been a more important character tbh- they should have imported her to the main storyline)**

There's a reason I turn him into a minor antagonist (emphasis on minor, like a recurring mid-boss) in most fics I outline

*If you didn't know, Izuku got 16 sec on what was basically Break the Targets from Super Smash Bros Melee/Brawl, and Bakugo got 15. Todoroki beating them both is more understandable since he nuked the course and cut the knot to say.

**QUIRKLESS INVENTOR COME THE FUCK ON!!!!!! I like Mei-Mei as much as the next guy but dude, missed opportunity- hell they could have been foils.

***Bakugo has literally won all of their fights (except the first which was technically losing the entire game rather than that specific fight so it barely counts) AND All for One has generational beef with him in the newest chapter (he [in]conveniently looks like the Second User who humiliated him with all the stuff he did to oppose him), over Izuku AND All Might the holders of ONE FOR FUCKING ALL THAT ARE DUELING HIM AND TOMURA NOW

Thank fuck I don't have to watch Heroes Rising or World Hero Mission cause he actually IS important in those movies and I would legit follow his Ch 1 advice if I had to watch them

(If you want to know what happens to Bakugo in said fanfic that is currently being written [DAMN YOU EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION] basically he gets his finger bitten off when he's five by Maria (the fic’s version of Izuku) who ain't takin his shit and gets expelled from UA after he tries and fails to attack her [AS HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN] and later gets humiliated in several different fights from both heroes and his own villainous allies before getting annihilated and thrown in jail during a way more pressing matter [the training camp going way worse than in canon] as an afterthought)

All of this. It’s odd that Izuku’s not allowed to surpass him in anything. Not grades, not likability, not in combat. Even when Izuku finally gets something Katsuki’s either there to shit on him or surpass him.

[anendoandfriendo]

For real though we do not think we could exist as a singlet SPECIFICALLY because we tell each other what to do, pick each others' slack up where someone falls flat, like, hell, even our ability to simply use words varies so much from person to person and any system who's met us offline and we're open as a system is like:

Yeah that's blatantly a multiple system.

And even when we aren't very open about it but we are being casual about it and existing, every system who we know of that we have seen offline is like:

Yeah, that's blatantly a multiple system.

So, well, we don't really know what to tell anyone to be honest. It's not quite a hierarchy since those suck and they aren't roles since that implies a level of specialization that just does not happen to us (not to mention you don't group singlets like that they way we try do with plurals, the implications are not the same so even if that WAS the case? Fuck you too) but there are in fact some archetypes/tropes that are more common here, and there is a degree of separation between those who front, those who don't, and the people who choose to observe everything and just choose not to front.

And those lines are certainly blurry and our system members do move between them a lot but when we talk about "system admin/system manager" that is a very specific thing that isn't quite gatekeeper but is more the folks who, if they have executive dysfunction, it won't matter who tries to take front!! We are fucked!!!

And there may be a pattern to who/what/how or whatever but...wdk, there also might not be. They generally trend towards calmer though which is funny as fuck considering Silva was probably a proto-manager or something at some point. He is like the least calm person to exist if you look at him on a surface level.

*Stares at our subsystem that functions as a database* <- there's also THOSE GUYS and they're sort of a stopgap for that and help with communication between frontspace and backspace we think but we aren't entirely sure.

We're a protogenic-endogenic system. A natural system. An innate system. Whatever the fuck you wanna call it. So like maybe our perceptions are a bit different. Wdk.

It's just very very funny (in a positive way, we're slightly more curious about this than before) to us that we have like the reverse situation going on when it comes to fronters versus the people who manage shit.

[bubblegum-blackwood]

🤲what do YOU get out of writing?

Ah good question. I feel like that's a complicated one that's not so straightforward to answer.

TL;DR - idk I like it :] and I like people

I've been writing fiction since I was nine years old. My teacher had us do some creative writing in class, and I fell head over fucking heels for the concept! It's crazy to see how much I've grown since then 😂 but I kid you not, I've known I wanted to write for a living since I was nine years old. I did it once and was like yeah . . . I like this. Funnily enough, I started out writing fanfiction, although at the time I hadn't heard of that word or that concept. My sibling and I had a game we called "Kid Wars" - essentially, we RPed being Star Wars OCs. My character was a female clone of Jango Fett (how did I come up with that as a small child and then The Bad Batch happened????????? will never get over that) who secretly joined the Jedi Order and fell in love with Obi-Wan 😂😂😂 ah, children. This origin story is never not funny to me. Anyway, over the years since then, it's slowly evolved into something nearly indistinguishable from Star Wars (I've mostly just kept something that vaguely looks like the Force and some OC names and arcs, but the worldbuilding is entirely original, and I had so much fun with it!)

But I digress.

It's ironic to me because even though my writing days largely started with terrible self-insert fanfiction I since then only wrote original works and even railed almost as vehemently against fanfiction as Anne Rice herself! 😂 But I spent some time on Tumblr and I caved and read Burden of my Days by @hekateinhell and have never been the same since. And now I have 36 fics and counting!

What originally drew me to writing as a kid is just the whole idea of making shit up. I've been making up silly lil stories in my head to keep my insomniac ass busy at night since I was in kindergarten, and when I realised I could write them down? When I realised I could get paid money for that shit??? Hell yeah! I can make a career out of doing something I genuinely love doing, and I'm so grateful that it's even an option for me because I have no clue what I would have told people I wanted to be when I grew up otherwise. As I've gotten older, I've understood more about what exactly I enjoy about writing (which allows me to take inspiration from the books and shows I like without copy-pasting every minute detail that I don't actually need) - it's people. I like people, I like knowing what makes them tick, I like watching them fuck up and I like watching them interact with others. It's part of what draws me to psychology and sociology, too. I just genuinely enjoy stories. I could eat a well-done character arc for breakfast, honestly. And that's what gets me about the writing. My books don't need big grand plots, the conflicts largely are not centered around big bads with large armies, it's all about people and the relationships they have with others within the narrative. (Don't get me wrong, though, I have fantastical elements - vampires and ghosts, especially, are quite abundant in my stories).

Plus, there's something about the actual process of writing that just gets me in a good mood. Sometimes the executive dysfunction or general life fatigue makes it hard for me to get myself to pick up the pencil, but when I feel motivated, DAMN, the juices be flowing! Sometimes I get in the zone and I just know what happens next and the words just come to me and it feels good, honestly good. I can agonize over it for hours sometimes, but crafting artful sentences to paint a picture with words is such a powerful feeling. I just can't imagine how my life would have turned out had I not discovered how fun it is to write.

And with fanfiction? To me, it's all about connection. To look deeper at the text, to identify what you like about events or characters or pairings and make it your own, to really know the book you love so much. But not only that, then also you get to connect with other fans! You get to get excited together, be proud together, maybe even make friends through it! You get to talk to people!!! And I think the value of that can never be understated enough.

Anyway. I've rambled plently now 😂 thanks for the ask!

[seraphicalsuccubus]

I messaged throne but they just said it was shipped and wouldn’t give me any other info 😭

Oh bby don’t worry about that I will just send you another one if that’s the case but I hope it didn’t get taken, you don’t deserve that at all!

It sounds like you’re doing better and that honestly makes me so happy because you’re such a sweet angel and you deserve the best 🩵

(Also never apologize for spam reblogging, we’re all just bowing down to the queen)

oh no !!! hmm. maybe they can give me a little more info on it since I’m the account it was bought for/shipped to or something ?? idk but fingers crossed I find out what the hell happened to it because this is all my throne says to me and it doesn’t give any extra info when I ask it to reveal the gift either like …. bro c’mon it doesn’t take 3 months to update a package lmao

and oh my gosh NO !! I wouldn’t let you buy another one if the first one got taken even if you didn’t let me refund you the gift amount !! but if it DID get delivered and taken, I think I’m gonna wait til I move to order the replacement one or just ship it to the new address because my boyfriend lives like out in the middle of fucking nowhere with hardly any neighbors so no one would be around to take it at least ?? like it’s a safer alternative than the fucking horrible area I live in right now like honestly, everyone I tell what section of the city I live in usually says, ‘wait, that’s off Willow St. oh no. oh god. you’re in the BAD area’ LMAOOOO like that’s how well known this area is for being super shitty. like a woman was shot dead and left in the middle of the road in like November of last year less than like 5 minutes away on a different side street and they blamed it on her being a known full service SWer (although they used a more derogatory and uneducated term for her which was rude and disgusting of whoever wrote the article about it). and then literally last fucking week I heard 5 gunshots in VERY close proximity to me and then like a million sirens for several hours after that, but I was too distracted and forgot to look up what happened that night the next day when it would’ve been reported already and I can’t remember exactly which night it happened to see anymore because shit like this happens here all the time so like, it’s not an unusual occurrence 🙃

but yeah no I live in the BAD BAD fucking area of my city. like I don’t know how the fuck I got conned into moving in here with these horrible people that basically treat me like a prisoner but also like I don’t exist at the same time, but like Jesus FUCK with some of the shit that goes on around here, I can’t wait to leave and finally feel safe in my own home once I move out of Connecticut. like. I don’t leave the house alone EVER because I am terrified of this area of the city. I won’t even take the garbage bag in my room out to the cans right in front of the porch if my roommate isn’t home to come outside with me because I feel so unsafe and uncomfortable living here.

and I think I’m doing better ??? or I will be shortly when I get my new higher dosage of pain meds for my fibromyalgia because my pain is really kicking my ass lately and I just want some relief again 😩 but mentally I feel stable, I’m just having really bad bouts of like, extreme executive dysfunction where I don’t leave bed all day but I don’t do anything in bed but scroll mindlessly on my phone. I don’t game, I don’t try to nap, I don’t watch anything, I just scroll my phone or zone out at the wall lmfao. but I guess that’s better than self-sabotaging my life so like !!! it’s all good !!!!

(and my goodness, you’re so sweet 🥺😭 I adore you so much, I really hope some good karma heads your way soon because you truly are just one of the kindest and most genuine people I’ve met on this hellsite and I just really appreciate you and the way you make your existence just this glowing beacon of positivity and unwavering support for the people you care for. I love you lots and lots, honey 🖤)

[iconsumethesoulsofthedamned]

People stalking you is crazy… You seem like someone who’d build a whole empire or something, so I was hoping to hear your plans for world take over, but I totally get it. 😁

HA listen man if I had an ounce of ambition the world would be mine but I’m lazy as hell (not actually lazy I just have executive dysfunction) but yeah!

[reiningsoral]

i fucken hate having adhd sometime usually im all "oh haha adhd hell brain make it hard to sit normal and study" but the side that isnt talked about is the depressive episodes, periods of absolutely no motivation, executive dysfunction, forgetting to take care of yourself, and having to choose between self care or productiveness because GOD FORBIT you want to have enough energy to do both. stress is an absolute nightmare because not only does my brain already not produce the normal amount of dopamine but it practically crumbles when i have to think about anything more complex than fucking 2+2. i cant find the energy to do the things i want to do, let alone things i dont, doing homework causes near actual pain and if im understimulated then oh well guess it's back to skin picking and blasting music through earbuds loud enough to give me genuine hearing problems late in life. my dopamine levels are at an all time fucking low and MIDTERMS arent fucking helping either.

i just hate that the rep for adhd is just "I WANNA DO THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND- SQUIRREL!!" even though it's way more complicated than that because, again, this shit is a mental disorder. okay? it's not "quirky" and it's not an excuse. no. it affects our lives daily and how we live.

anyway yeah sorry for the long angsty post but im going through some mental illness shit rn and i dont wanna talk to anyone i know irl right now

[amateurletariat]

Oh yeah update on the housing situation

And trauma dumping apparently

(CW: mentions of abuse, neglect, etc.)

We were evicted but managed to find a place in my dad's. Which is full of hoarded clothes, trash, work equipment, cat excrement, and much much more.

At least 10 years of these things.

I know that it's a combination of things; depression, executive dysfunction, anxiety, CPTSD, etc.

____________

Besides that, I'm basically retraumatizing myself just being here. I use the term 'cinderella'd' to describe my life here when I was younger. I was the only one to do the chores in a large house. Dishes, lawn, floors, trash, 3 litterboxes for 6 cats(yes I know)

Even better: if I wasn't home for any extended period of time, I would come home to full litterboxes and paper towels covering piss and shit with them saying "Welcome home, you have some things to take care of"

Dad and stepmom would offer anything and everything to their guests but even before I turned 18 I wasn't allowed to do the same for my guests. Because I didn't pay for it. Didn't matter if I made food D&S.M. wouldn't touch.

This was over 20 years ago, I'm still not over it, and now I'm right back here.

One bit of positivity is the abusive as hell stepmom is gone and her daughter and I commiserate over our treatmet by her

But right now? Fuck this place.

Even if it's the only place we have right now...

[stargazeraldroth]

You can’t hear it but I let out the most disgusted sound at the thought of… Eugh. MATH. Just the thought leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Anyways, nothing wrong with laziness! It’s good to take some time to yourself to relax and decompress, if you need to- And hell, sometimes the executive dysfunction just gets to you. I know it gets to me.

Error sees Ink having a good time and decides that it can’t fucking stand while he’s around to Cause Problems and Wreck Shit. It’s definitely angst central for Ink either way, though- Never even got to confess, the poor guy. And hey, don’t we all need a little bit of therapy?

As you should have! Gin is a soft boy and a good guy, and I, for one, think even his visual chemistry alone with Ink is incredible… I love the two of them a lot, haha.

Mutually supportive Cross and Ink is my everything… I imagine that it really hit them that they’re healing from everything once Ink lends Cross his scarf (which is deeply important to him, what with all the things he’s written on it), or maybe even Broomie, and Cross let’s him wear his coat or his scarf and bundles him up like a lil burrito. Just. Soft Oreo bros owns my heeeaaart-

Oh, he definitely won’t be the best- Glitchy boy is awkward at best and wildly unqualified to provide comfort in this scenario at worst- But I’d like to think he gets an A for effort or something, you know? Even if he. Uh. Accidentally upsets Ink with Blue and Dream puppets.

Corrupted or Fallen Stars can be great… In theory. But sooo often they’re just flipped with the Bad Sans, and! That can be a fun idea in and off itself, if it’s in the concept of something that it blatantly a roleswap AU! But it normally isn’t, and it just ends up grating on me- Hell, off the top of my head, I can tell you semi-passable reasons for Secretly Evil Stars would be leaning so hard into positivity it becomes addiction and delusion (Dream), being tired of having his emotions invalidated and giving people the “real him” they apparently want (Ink), and being tired of being underestimated and desperate to stay with some of the only people who seem to take him seriously (Blue). That! Is literally just, I came up with it in five seconds! People don’t even give them the dignity of that, though, it’s just “They’re evil and my poor misunderstood murder babies are angels.” But like you said! How are they secretly misunderstood angels! If you’re going with “oh, they don’t WANT to hurt people,” why are they doing it- They aren’t necessary for the Balance, like you said. Is Nightmare forcing them so he can cause negativity? Is Error? Is something else going on??. And that’s not even getting into how all of that would wildly unbalance another set of Guardians- Reaper and Life. The excess death is their problem, now, the Bad Sans certainly ain’t sticking around to deal with the aftermath! Am I too passionate about this? Mayhaps. Shall I stop? Absolutely not.

And yeah, you’re definitely right about that- Outside pressure isn’t guaranteed to justify mass murder to the people you’ve affected with it. People have still lost their homes, and their loved ones, and so many other things- Why, exactly, does the alleged agony of being “forced” to do awful things negate the pain of the victims of those things? It doesn’t make sense at best, and it feels callous at worst. It feels… Really, really shoehorned in, for lack of a better term, just to make the “misunderstood favs” loved and adored by the masses, if that makes sense.

No issue with the ranting here! I quite agree with you, after all. And as for Ink… Well, it just makes sense! Like you said, he adores the Multiverse, so him writing off or ignoring something so, so vital for its survival just… Doesn’t make sense? Like, if you really don’t want him to know, it should be for angsty purposes- Fate, shielding his eyes and ears from it, completely cutting off anyone trying to tell him. Can you imagine how horrible to would feel, once someone was finally able to tell him? That would be a much better story arc, in my opinion- Someone prevents the Protector from doing what he’s dedicated his existence to, and the realization and healing that stems from that as they all work together to heal the Balance… Oh, and also- I see so many people calling him “Fate’s Favorite,” which, like. People. People know being the favorite of an abuser isn’t really a good thing, right? Even if there isn’t physical abuse, being the favorite can lead to some horrific things… Ahem. Moving on from my own rant- Yeah, Error definitely seems the most likely to not know or ignore the Balance, I think. Like you said, ignoring it even benefits him!

Hhh if you’re sure I’ll send a separate ask!!! Might take a bit, since I’ll have to write it all out… I should probably come up with a name, too. Just call me… Rainy Anon! Or Rain, heh.

Let’s be real, saving the brush is what Ink would want. And besides, if we save the brush, maybe we can use it to save Ink! Provided he hasn’t. You know. Gone insane from isolation and emotional overload. God only knows what having the emotional consequences of his entire existence hitting him at once would feel like. Quite frankly, I’m… Not sure he’d be able to process it. And would he even be Ink, once he got out? Would he start thinking it was all a dream he made up to comfort himself in an unfinished world???

I mean, to be fair, it could be seen as a response to everything in the AU. Ink is running, and the other Stars don’t know why!

He gives some much needed snark and sarcasm to some rather bleak situations. Also, he’d definitely be the sort to sarcastically narrate his brother’s fuckups.

🌧️ Rainy Anon 🌧️

AM HERE!

I believe I based his character off the mask I've seen him with, but I also kinda did it from memory?? Anyway, I made him "Kitsune Udon". He and Ink do have a connection, uh- they were like best friends until Ink got kidnapped/abducted LMFAO

If you wanna take the full Oreo bros into consideration, then we need to bring Reaper into the mix. I'm honestly kinda surprised no one talks about him in an Underverse setting. Being the God of Death means nothing to people these days smh. From X-Tale's destruction to Error committing a massacre against the AUs, Reaper's probably working overtime. He's definitely pissed about the situation. I think he would be interested in investigating the situation, which can then lead to him finding out about everything.

Error's trying! If anyone says anything about it, he gets defensive and says that they should be grateful he's doing anything for Ink in the first place! How ungrateful of them!

I remember once reading about how if we were to be realistic with the characters, Dream most likely wouldn't be as optimistic and friendly as he canonically is. But you're right, it's hardly ever as simple as being a roleswap AU; if anything, a personality swap AU might be more fitting of a description. I really don't mean to nitpick people's writing and stuff like this, I try to more encouraging when I can be, but these are things we need to consider when we want to make a story like this. Yes, characters who are evil and don't have the reason revealed CAN be interesting... but this isn't one of those cases, I don't think. I think I especially hate how they always make Ink the primarily evil one, the "root of it all", and the reason for it? He's soulless. Like... is that really the best you can do? You can use many reasons to make Ink the villain of the story if you really want to, and you target a condition he has? A condition he has no control over? Erm... kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I vaguely remember seeing some posts that discussed this exact thing, and how using his soullessness as a source of evil for his character has tones of ableism. I only vaguely remember because I glossed over the posts, didn't feel like reading at the time, so I could be getting that wrong. If anyone has read posts like that and wants to give their opinion, feel free to do so.

And you're right about that- I NEVER, EVER see any of these stories address Life and Reaper's roles in the Balance. They're easily getting the most screwed over in this situation because the Gang's causing unnecessary death with their murder sprees, which is tipping the Balance... which is what they're against the Stars for??? They only focus on Error and/or Nightmare for some reason... stop leaving my Circle of Life babies out of stuff-

It's because even though they preach about how negativity is essential to the Multiverse and "Dream needs to understand that", they don't actually WANT negativity there. For example, they always question why Ink allows negative AUs or AUs with tragic stories to exist, such as Horrortale. Aside from the fact that Ink has zero control over what AUs are made, those AUs are basically counters to positivity-oriented AUs such as Haventale. They preach about how negativity has just as much of a right to exist freely... and then condemn its existence in ways they don't like. The thing is, Horrortale and Dusttale happened as a consequence of events; the CORE shutting down led to the disastrous conditions in the Underground, the constant RESETs and Genocides led Sans to become Dust, etc. These are all examples of NATURAL negativity and how life works; it isn't meant to be pretty. And if you think about it, isn't this exactly how they make Dream think in these stories? Negative AUs shouldn't exist. BUT WAIT! Dream's in the wrong, don't forget that! Just ignore the fact that the Gang antagonizes Ink for the existence of these AUs! Dream's the bad guy, the Gang has no faults! And you wanna know the most fucked up part about expecting everyone to forgive Error and the Gang? The ones who don't are frowned upon and treated as unreasonable, in my experience. Which makes zero sense??? It's like being asked to forgive someone who murdered your best friend, family, and/or pet because they were forced to... like that doesn't change anything??? Like maybe you'll get some pity, but you sure as hell aren't getting forgiveness anytime soon!

Ngl I keep forgetting Fate and Destiny are in these AUs because I don't use them. I don't really like the concept of them, I just stick with the Creators... they pretty much have the same role. But that one's just a personal preference, it doesn't really change much about the contents of the story. And you are absolutely right, being an abuser's "favorite" isn't a good thing. That mindset is concerning. That's like saying it's a good thing to be a groomer's "favorite", like... no it isn't. Oh, but by their logic, it's okay because it's Ink! Any possible negatives of being Fate's favorite are ignored because Ink just can't be a sympathic, dimensional character! Nope, nope, nope! He's evil, through and through, and anyone who tries to look deeper than the surface is blind and being manipulated by him! Like... did the Gang hire y'all to spew this propaganda? This feels like propaganda. This reminds me of something I saw where someone listed what Sans AUs are green flags, and they put Error there. Like... do y'all know anything about Error's character? This is the genuine question.

I'm so sorry if I sound kinda bitchy in this rant, but I just can't find the logic. I try not to nitpick at individual writing styles, but literally everything I have read that deals with FGOD and this roleswap dynamic has been one-dimensional and lacked depth. Again, that probably sounds ignorant, and I don't mean for it to, but the sheer amount of "Gang good, Stars bad" and nothing more has essentially ruined the entire concept for me. This is probably why I prefer FGOC, because the characters at least have some depth beneath the surface. Dream is like one of the nicest and most compassionate characters in canon, why you gotta vandalize him like this?

Alright! You shall be the Rainy Anon!

Long live Broomie! The worst part about Ink's situation is that he's surrounded by people who are... blank. Just like when he doesn't have his vials. And he hates when he gets like that. He's probably overthinking and everything. Love that for him, you know?

Nightmare's absolutely RELISHING in the negativity! It's just so, so good! And it's even better because Dream- goody-two-shoes, wouldn't-hurt-a-fly Dream- is the one who caused it. I can picture Nightmare laughing evilly and kicking his feet while stuff goes down.

[kedreeva]

Yeah my laptops os definitely has a personal vendetta against you and that is why i have been unable to use my graphic tablet for a couple months now

Funnily enough about 1 hour after sending that ask i encountered Another one of my kids in public transport on the way home and my first thought was that i mustve summoned him with the previous ask

Now

I CANT BELIEVE THERE IS LIKE AN ACTUAL BATHROOM SCENE™ i thought the fucking robin and steve bathroom floor scenes for the fic™ that was lead to the proper beginning of the undoing of my sanity were just like a fucking thing in that fic i didnt know they were A Thing™ goddamn

AND STOP TELLING ME INTRIGUING STUFF ABOUT THE DAMNED SHOW CAUSE I CAN ONLY POSTPONE WATCHING IT FOR SO LONG WITH MY SANITY IN SHAMBLES

Goddamn it kedreeva ive never even properly Encountered either hopper or dmitri but now i am Invested in them i curse you to continue thinking about them in those circumstances until YOU crack and end up making something about the fuckers

Also no worries about taking a bit to reply idm in teh slightest i just thought tumblr mightve eaten my ask cause it does that quite a bit but yeah im glad youre getting your shit done (unlike me whos currently writing this reply in an attempt to further postpone making a google forms for a fucking poll that was supposed to be done hours ago so that tomorrow it can be sent out cause i fucking need the results by monday at the latest- and NO this ISNT _That_ assignment thats about to make me fail that class this is a completely different very very urgent thing im ignoring gotta love the executive dysfunction)

*soft gasp* the bathroom scene is so good....

You must have seen gifs of it! I've reblogged a few!! I will make some gifs tomorrow, but please... imagine.... Steve and Robin have been drugged with something to loosen their tongues, Steve's been beat to hell (robin was hit once, for spitting in a Russian officer's face), they've both just gotten ill, and they're slouched on the filthy floor in separate stalls of a movie theater bathroom. And to check if the drug is still in their systems, they start asking each other questions, and Robin's question is: "Have you ever been in love?"

And Steve tells her yeah, with Nancy Wheeler. Robin scoffs, but then softly asks him if he's still in love with her, and he thinks about it a second, and then says no, and she asks why not, and he starts to tell her that he found someone better for him. Someone that makes him laugh, someone that he has fun with, someone he should have been friends with long before now and he doesn't know why he wasn't except that he was an asshole before, and cared about things that didn't matter. And the cinematography is showing Robin in the other stall with her head in her hands, and when she doesn't answer, Steve slides under the stall wall to join her in her stall and asks her what she thinks.

And Robin tells him the girl sounds amazing, and Steve looks her in the eyes as best he can with only 1 good eye at the moment, and tells her earnestly "she is." and she tells him but the boy isn't thinking clearly. Then!!!! She asks if he remembers when she told him about the class they shared, and he says yeah, because it was like an hour ago, and she tells him well, she was jealous of Steve because Tammy couldn't look away from Steve, and Robin wanted her to look at her.

And Steve, precious baby boy, tells her, but Tammy is a girl? And Robin says his name, so soft, like he's being an idiot because he is, and he gets it, and leans back, thinking, and Robin looks a little crushed but she stays, she waits, she prompts him for his thoughts, and he says, like, yeah, it's fine but you need better taste in women. and then they start loudly singing like muppets and that's when and how Dustin and Erica find them.

You HAVE to see this scene, but I think I actually like the interrogation room floor scene a LITTLE better because Steve's beat up, but they haven't been drugged yet, and Robin comes up with a plan to jump-walk the chairs they are bound to over to the torture devices table to get something to cut their ropes with, but they just. fall over. and Steve - who is beat to hell - hits the ground with a pained noise and the utter silence of someone fighting not to make more of them, and Robin's shoulders start shaking and they're bound back-to-back so he feels it and immediately pulls himself out of his pain to tell her "it's okay, it's okay, don't cry, robin." Except, she's laughing because she cannot believe THIS is how she's gonna die or that this is WHO she is gonna die with.

And then Robin's telling him she sat behind him for a year and he never noticed her, and that he was a dick in hs but she wanted what he had and he softly confesses it wasn't worth a goddamn thing, actually. He tells her he wishes he had known her back then, maybe he'd have passed the class and be on his way to college, and she tells him she'd have no idea there were evil russians and she'd be slinging ice cream with some other schmuck.

and he just

so softly

admits that he has liked being her schmuck.

"It was fun while it lasted," says the boy that just tried to reassure her they weren't going to die.

breaks my heart, Delightful.

Episode 3.06 and 3.07 if you wanna find them :)

Also if you need more answers to your poll, you can send a link in and I'll post it. I hope you're able to find the drive to do your other assignment, I am rooting for you!

[surveillance-0011]

14 and 11 with paruko for the splat bands ask game?

11- Fav interpretation of Paruko/Harmony

Hard to say! I always love seeing her around. That being said I agree with the interpretation of her being ND specifically autistic.. I know some people disapprove of that bc of the whole clownfish neglect thing but like. Autistic people aren’t immune to fucking up and executive dysfunction and the like can get in the way of self care and other high-priority things. Hell that’s the main reason I don’t want a pet atm, it’s hard enough for me to balance all the things I have to do without one, I don’t know if I could handle one. And in paruko’s case I’m thinking it’s more of a symbiosis (assuming clownfish are not like parrots and more like tiny people) and that it’s less like she’s leaving her clownfish to starve and more like neither is really taking care of themselves or the other. Uh. But tangent aside yeah I dig this headcanon.

14- Band I want more official art of

All of them tbh. Esp the main bands like Wet Floor Squid Squad/Front Roe and C-Side since they don’t have any other art… and of course my beloved ω-3. I need to see those fish interacting w each other and other salmonids or I will keel over and die

[conduitandconjurer]

sorry this got long, so keep scrolling if you aren’t in a headspace for a mutual to vent ooc. 

i’m upset for stupid reasons that, i think, go back to bigger or deeper things IRL.

i’m upset that i’ve been too busy as my mother’s sole caretaker OR playing frantic catch-up at work (i’m a professor and it involves a LOT of grading, lecturing, reading, and writing, and frankly extracurricular things like counseling and reporting concerns about students’ emotional or physical safety) to do things like shower, sleep 7-8 hours a night, eat as healthily as i should, exercise, and most of all, do ANYTHING creative to my own satisfaction. it has been more than a WEEK since i have showered! it has been since JUNE since i have even started a complete, finished, full-color artwork. 

yeah, i know the positivity drill: “you create things for your own joy, not to be good at them.” but i only enjoy making things (image or word) that i can do with a certain degree of thoroughness and depth. i don’t like to half-ass anything. there’s also executive dysfunction borne of crippling anxiety and depression, which are more situational (C-PTSD) than the result of brain chemistry.

so i’m mad. i’m sad. i’m lonely. i’m tired. i want to just have some semblance of a normal adult life. i have not had a normal life since i was diagnosed with an incurable, progressively worsening illness AT AGE SIX. and i have let it get MUCH worse (my kidneys, stomach, eyes, lymph nodes, and blood vessels are all so badly damaged that there is no fixing them, there is just praying they don’t get worse, and now all sensation in my hands is going too: i can barely type this) because i’ve had to take over for my mother (no, insurance won’t help us, believe me, i’ve looked into it: she’s on dialysis but somehow “not sick enough”) and i have NO TIME to see my OWN doctors and do the necessary lifestyle changes to make MYSELF any better. i want to take a shower, and have energy to do anything after that. i want to go on a date. hell, i have a new boyfriend, but i find dating him to be a chore that i dread because i am so fucking drained by the end of the week that I’d rather just go to bed. 

i want to be selfish. i just want to be SELFISH for ONE DAY. 

but i know that’s not realistic.  i mean i live in a world where everyone, EVERYONE, that i know, has just gone back to attending major events maskless, even though COVID is still surging. people like me are apparently expendable; we’re “sick anyway,” so if we die, it’s “expected.”  we get left behind and NO ONE NOTICES. 

i won’t be able to do Sheehantober/Sheetober, whatever it’s called, that super cool thing with all the creative prompts. 

i won’t be able to draw/paint the entire notebook of ideas i’ve had waiting for “free time” since last february.

i won’t have time to answer my drafts here, that have been sitting since may.

i won’t be able to even catch up on Discord threads, and I CAN’T EVEN FIND THE TIME TO CELEBRATE KLAUS’S BIRTHDAY WITH GOOFY LIGHT HEARTED SIMPLE THINGS. I FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT IT ENTIRELY. 

but honestly THAT DOESN’T MATTER EITHER, because i haven’t had the time to form many meaningful connections with people (aside two lovely souls who know who they are) in this fandom, and nobody inboxes me or responds to my open starters anyway.  plus if they did, i’d probably be too sick or tired to do a thing about it. 

mom just spilled perishable stuff all over the kitchen floor trying to get her own food, so now i have to go mop that up even though my sciatica is so bad that i’m sweating. this weekend, i have to somehow find time to get a house cleaner, inventory and remove extra dialysis supplies (32 HEAVY boxes to cover), find and buy a table with very specific parameters to hold a dialysis cycler, etc etc etc). a day in the life. 

and you think, “can’t you ask somebody to help?” friend, if you say that, you have never experienced TRUE chronic illness, and how very quickly people you are close to become “too busy” to help when they have to interact with (noncommunicable!) illness, and acknowledge their OWN mortality.