#his happiness shall come first even though we are suffering

[lovejustforaday]

2022 Year End List - #5

HIS HAPPINESS SHALL COME FIRST EVEN THOUGH WE ARE SUFFERING - Backxwash

Main Genres: Horrorcore, Industrial Rap

A decent sampling of: Conscious Rap, Industrial Metal, Hardcore Rap, Experimental Rap, Glitch Hop

WARNING: This album features violent imagery and discusses many heavy topics such as su***dal thoughts, sexual abuse, religious abuse, transphobia, and racism. Proceed at your own discretion.

Time for me to write about the greatest natural progression I’ve seen in an artist over the span of just one year.

Backxwash, whose real name is Ashanti Mutinta, is a Zambian-born Canadian rapper/producer, and a black transfeminine goth harbinger of spiritual rebellion.

Her dedication to her craft and her productivity are both apparent; in just four short years, she has given us four LPs of some of the most uncompromising and artistically authentic examples of industrial-rap-metal. She’s managed to convert me to a sound that I wouldn’t normally otherwise gravitate towards, largely thanks to her charisma as a rapper and her eclecticism as a producer.

One year ago on my previous year end list, I wrote a review largely praising Backxwash’s I LIE HERE BURIED WITH MY RINGS AND MY DRESSES for being one of the most challenging listens that I ended up really enjoying that year. It ended up landing at number 13 on my list as a very solid 8 out of 10. I also noted what I personally felt like were some pacing issues and redundancy.

Luckily, Backxwash only seems to improve with every release, and this record is no exception.

As a matter of fact, HIS HAPPINESS SHALL COME FIRST EVEN THOUGH WE ARE SUFFERING is a titan of industrial horrorcore that delivers an unfiltered tempest of all that is violent and ugly about the institutions of power in our society, particularly the institution of religion. The cover art itself manages to communicate exactly what you should expect to hear and feel while listening to this ungodly record.

The more overtly political lyrics of her previous LP are somewhat dialed down for an album that is more just viscerally personal and holds nothing back, with a heavy focus on revisiting the past physical and spiritual violence of Ashanti’s childhood. Likewise, if I LIE HERE BURIED WITH MY RINGS AND MY DRESSES was an uncomfortable listen, then this one is potentially distressing. I will repeat verbatim what I said last time, because it applies even more this time around: This record is brutally honest and occasionally self-loathing, and some of the thoughts expressed here are downright ugly. But fuck if this isn’t raw and real as hell.

After a meditative intro that samples a pastor’s answering machine (“KUTALI”), the music properly starts with “VIBANDA”, a gargantuan wave of hardcore horrorcore that makes brilliant use of foreboding monastic chanting of Mozart’s “Lacrimosa”, creating the imagery of a cathedral set ablaze in flames, and a city flooded in an sea of blood. Mutinta pours her heart out about the abuse of the past in her verses, and then spits hellish dragon fire in the chorus as she ‘repents’. It is Backxwash’s most jaw-dropping and chilling performance to date.

“MUZUNGU” hums and drones with a quivering electrical pulse, like a dangerous high voltage fence wrapped with barbed wire. The lyrics address body dysmorphia through body horror imagery, and ponders revenge against a god that has forsaken the downtrodden.

Underground rapper CENSORED dialogue, who previously guest featured on 2021′s “TERROR PACKETS”, returns with an even bigger role on “ZIGOLO”, a  nightmarish industrial hip hop soundscape that harasses and confuses. The track samples and distorts the haunting call of the Loon, an eccentric choice that pays off immensely as it serves to create the atmosphere of being stranded somewhere in the murky marshlands of a dark, boreal wilderness during the unholy witching hour.

“MULUNGU” is a completely unhinged experimental rap track that blasts, glitches, and recoils with a strange elastic production that feels like it’s going to give me a painful static shock at any given second. Backxwash comes out of the gate full beast mode with the lyrics “I put my body on display for the world to watch“ and goes on to deliver some of the hardest verses of this year. I’ve heard nothing quite like it, and it’s probably the most forward thinking hip hop track of the year.

“JUJU” is one of the more melodic offerings on the record, an emotionally-charged banger full of despair and self-doubt that bleeds misery. The chorus goes insanely hard with its anxious “what if’ thoughts and general lyrical imposter syndrome: “What if you can't, do what you said / What if you not, all that you thought / What if you slip / what if you fall / What if you just, can't save 'em all”.

The album closes on “MUKAZI”, a small beacon of hope piercing through the acid rain and asphyxiating fog that permeates the rest of this forsaken record. Backxwash swaps out her characteristic trickling industrial metal infused production for an odd, slightly off-kilter throwback to 2000s chipmunk soul. Think of it as form of musical after-care for taking in some of the most raw sonic agony and anguish.

There is still a track or two here that I feel is a bit filler-y. Despite that, this is a big step up from I LIE HERE... and successfully addresses the pacing problems of that record. Everything flows quite smoothly on this LP, largely thanks to the many intermissions appearing at the beginning and endings of most of the tracks, which sample sermons and the political musings of great activists like Angela Davis.

Generally speaking, this is just a much tighter and denser project from Backxwash that takes everything great about her previous records and heightens the intensity. Truly, HIS HAPPINESS SHALL COME FIRST EVEN THOUGH WE ARE SUFFERING is the most beautifully destructive record I’ve heard this year.

I hope that this record is cathartic for you and whatever you might be going through, and I seriously hope that Backxwash is healing.

9/10

Highlights: “VIBANDA“, “MULUNGU”, “JUJU”, “ZIGOLO”, “MUKAZI”, "MUZUNGU”

[kimkimberhelen]

Listen/purchase: HIS HAPPINESS SHALL COME FIRST EVEN THOUGH WE ARE SUFFERING by Backxwash

NEW BACKXWASH!!

‘HIS HAPPINESS SHALL COME FIRST EVEN THOUGH WE ARE SUFFERING will conclude a trilogy of albums by Backxwash which began 3 years ago. The series is primarily auto-biographical, with fragments of stories from her periphery. With every record, Backxwash travels farther back in time, reliving and experiencing the anger and despair that she had not granted herself at that time.

God Has Nothing To Do With This Leave Him Out Of It (2020) began as a candid processing of her experiences in her adult life in realtime, while her sequential record I LIE HERE BURIED WITH MY RINGS AND MY DRESSES (2021) was a reflection on her adolescent and early adulthood years. Whereas God Has Nothing was a study in mercy, in I LIE HERE BURIED Backxwash finds solace in being consumed by her malevolent behaviours.

HIS HAPPINESS SHALL COME FIRST EVEN THOUGH WE ARE SUFFERING (2022) delves into environmental influences during her youth and times pre-dating her existence, concluding this therapeutic practice with a return to the here and now with a stronger sense of self than when she began this therapeutic and cathartic trilogy.’

[purpleheartrainman]

Backxwash | Mulungu // His Happiness Shall Come First Even Though We Are Suffering

[inniave]

will jehova respect this?

or clip my rosary necklace?

[lesbiangiratina]

Letting him live another year but just barely

[evilminji]

You know... >.>

My Dad always used to tell me, if I get a Genuine Genie(tm)? Get a lawyer first. Before I make my Wishes(tm), so they can help me word them correctly.

Obviously, a human lawyer would not be foolproof... BUT! What about a Ghost Lawyer?

Like? Obviously Desiree would be PISSED. How DARE you twist HER wish twisting! Her THING is "what you believe is your heart's desire always comes at a terrible cost" which is what she DIED to learn.

So obviously she would NEVER, willingly, bend her Obsession for ANYONE. And you'd have to make a DAMN good case to that Lawyer for why he ISNT breaking the law by helping you. Probably some "you can: save the life of an unconscious person against their will/shove an unobservant person OFF the train tracks, even if they get hurt, to save their life" clause.

Like? Using a ghosts Obsession against them? Bad. Illegal.

Using it against their will, to save OTHER ghosts, who are in immediate danger? Not illegal, but they will be PISSED. Still not great though, you will want to apologize and fast.

So like??? Reality Bending Power. Patrick Star Method of "what if we MOVED the city... somewhere else?" Considered at 1am. Team of Ghost Laywers, acquired.

Amity and all Limnals are REMOVED from the DP-verse.

Wish worded juuuuust so. Any ghost that forms there? Yoink! Instantly removed to the Zone. Natural Portals? Cut off. Let the whole Reality fade out at an accelerated rate, as no NEW energy is fed into the system. Entropy will do, what entropy does. Exactly as they wished it.

They hated Death so much, they speed up the heat death of their ENTIRE universe by Eons. Congratulations, you guys "Won". Enjoy the wildly more fragile flora, fauna, and general ecosystems. Now that none of you have that ambient Ectoplasm strengthening your bodies. Yeah, the things you used to shrug off? Those are gonna maim or kill you now.

Doesn't MATTER if you "learn your lesson" though! Cause this is WAY past that point! This is "cutting off the tumor before it kills us" territory, and buddy? Amity ISNT the tumor. Go forth a grow, just like you wanted.

They won't be here to fix your messes anymore.

Because Danny got himself a dictionary thick "I Wish..." contract. Which was worded, as it needs to be, in one loooooooong run on sentence. Shouted "I Wish what's written on THIS, as it is currently, and without any form of editing or negotiation!" As fast as he could. Yote the document in Desiree's direction. And Flew like an INCANDESCENTLY pissed off Genie was trying to set his everything of fire.

Which she was.

Thankfully, Paulina came in clutch with her History of all things Jewelry, world fashions, and Make-Up knowledge. That, coupled with the Power Of Rich Friends(tm)? (Sam. Her mother was THRILLED to take her Jewelry and clothing shopping for something other then blacks and dark purple. They went on a jet setting whurl-wind tour. Sam actually kinda liked a some of what she found.)

They have Apology Bribes.

They shamelessly HIDE behind the mountain of Apology Bribes, while they explain themselves. Is Desiree HAPPY? No. But those bracelets are magnificent and she DOES deserve nice things. Those silks will really bring out her eyes. And she... DOES... admit...

Maybe...

That things are not... SAFE. Any longer. Danny TRIES. Everyone else can see it. And he's made incredible strides! Even convinced his lunatic parents. Though they're still not quite POPULAR. (WAY too pushy and invasive with their questions, for most people.) But the fanatics in white?

They nearly killed Box Lunch. If her father hadn't BEEN there...

And the poor man will have that scar on his back for the rest of his afterlife. Desiree can see why Danny is pushing. Does she LIKE it? No. But...

She supposes she will content herself with the suffering of the Fanatics in White and all who support them. THEIR wishes, twisted. Their ugly heart's desires.

Fine.

"SO YOU WISH IT. SO IT SHALL BE!"

And? The ghost town of what WOULD of one day grown into Amity, had the witch's there not been found by those they had fled from, which sits in long rotted ruins, amongst the trees in nowhere Illinois? Poof! Two "Towns" are switched.

The roads out of town coming to a clean line stop, meeting not even goat paths. Just trees. Old growth.

But it's not ALL of Town, is it? Faces missing. New, confused, faces from every corner of the map, taking their place. No Limnal left behind. No supporter of the GIWs genocide, brought along. Family's kept together where they could be. But by the few, scared and upset, green flashing eyes of children in the crowd?

It seemed for some, it was easier to fear and hate, then love their children.

Already they were being gathered up by school teachers and PTA parents. As everyone tried to figure out what had happened. Concerned, quite muttering a dull roar as everyone tries to coordinate.

Red Huntress joins Danny and Dani in the Sky. She doesn't get a word in. Wanted to know what the HELL was going on. She was with her dad in Chicago! Dani was in Taiwan! Literally! As in, sitting in a SUBWAY station one second, the next? Outside!

But they don't get to demand those answers. Because there is a sonic boom on the horizon. And then? Floating... weird... not ghosts?

Uuuuuuhhhh?

Hi?

That much blue... sure is a Statement. Like the cape and... bloooomers? Shorts. Bikini bottoms? It.. it's a Cool Look, dude! No, really. They are being VERY supportive here! If YOU like it? That's the only thing that matters!

Red Huntress smacks the Danny/i's Repeated upside their heads and demans to know what the Not-Ghosts are doing in their airspace.

Oh YEAH. Good point! What she said! And can it WAIT? They're kinda going through A Thing right now...

Kon? Wants it on record he loves these guys. They're hilarious. The LOOK on Clark's FACE?? He wishes he could frame it. Preserve it for future generations. Thing is? There was NOT a town here a second ago.

Well, bout 30 minutes or so, but you get the idea. One moment? Tree noises. Bam! Thousands of people! Obviously the checked it out. Only to be met with two... three maybe? Heros who have NO IDEA who they are.

Clear Reality warping shenanigans. Might be time travel or multiverse. Question is... are they STAYING? And if SO? What now...

@hdgnj @ailithnight @the-witchhunter @nerdpoe @dcxdpdabbles @mutable-manifestation @hypewinter

[mydadleft471]

Carian Tea And Bitter Medicine

Summary: You've fallen ill and Messmer is deeply worried for his wife. Over the coming days, you slowly recover.

Spoilers for Elden Ring and Shadow of the Erdtree. No warnings other than talk of throwing up. (yuck)

This was a request from @writing-fanics! I'll link it here if you want to see the post. This was super fun! I love writing for the red-haired snake man (clearly that's literally all my blog is lmao). Thank you for requesting and I hope I did it justice!

As always, thank you all so much for reading, liking, commenting, and reblogging! It means the world to me and I'm so happy I've gotten back into writing!

Messmer had barely left your side for the few days. He was worried sick. No matter how much his servants and healers told him you’d be alright with some rest and medicine, he couldn’t seem to believe them. He thought you were dying, and he could only sit idly by while you suffered. Watching you writhe felt like a stab wound, searing and sharp, right to his chest.

You, his darling wife, looked terrible. A sheen of sweat covered your body even in your lightest nightgown, yet you stayed wrapped in blankets. Chills would wrack your body one minute, and the next you’d be pushing at the blankets because you were overheating. You’d refused almost all food except for a light broth, though it still threatened to come back up. Water wasn’t any easier, and your condition had seemingly gotten worse. Your skin was pale and your eyes didn’t shine like they usually did.

Messmer tried to keep himself busy to drive away the thoughts that plagued his mind. He’d fetch you a cold washcloth and lay it delicately over your forehead, or help you sit up when you’d request a drink of water. You were too weak to lift anything, so he’d carefully tip the glass back enough for you to take small sips.

You’d been confined to the bed for five days due to your sickness. Each morning he’d wake and hope to see you better and healthy once more, but it hadn’t happened yet.

He didn’t sleep well last night, jolting awake in response to any sound you’d make. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he saw you trying to sit up. He hurried to your side immediately, helping you.

“What bothers thee, wife?”

“I just wanted some water. I didn’t want to wake you. I know you haven’t been sleeping much these past few days.” You croak out.

“It bothers me little,” he says while moving to fetch you a glass of cool water. “How dost thou feel this morning?”

“I’m actually hungry, so I’d assume that’s good.”

“I am so very happy to hear that, beloved. Whatever thou wishest for, it shall be done.” He smiles for the first time in days.

“Right now,” you gesture towards him, “I’d love some water.”

He sits beside you on the bed and moves it towards your lips. Your hand finds his and, though shaky, you help tilt the glass back. After a few sips, you tap his wrist and he returns the glass to your bedside table.

“Thank you, husband.” You shoot him a weak smile and his stomach flips. Marriage did little to dull the butterflies you gave him.

“What dost thou desire for breakfast?”

“I don’t mind, really. If we have any left, I’d love to have some of that delicious spiced Carian tea Rellana gifted to us.”

“Of course, beloved.” He gently guides you to lay back down. One of his serpents nips at the blanket and brings it over you. You pat its head in thanks.

“Wilt thou be alright for a short while?” His heart twists uncomfortably thinking about leaving you alone, even if it is just to request food for you.

“Yes, my love. You never stay away for very long.” 

“It pains me to leave thee.”

You grab his hand and squeeze weakly.

“I know. But I’m hungry.” As if on cue, your stomach growls.

“I shall return shortly, my wife.” He kisses your forehead and makes his way towards the door.

Outside, he’s pleased to see a dozen of his most trusted knights. When you fell ill, he ensured you’d be safe from any outside threats. His men were fiercely loyal to both him and his beloved wife.

Noticing the creaking of the door, Fire Knight Salza bowed in greeting.

“How is our Lady, my Lord?”

“She is slowly recovering, though still sick.”

“Shall I send for a servant to bring her food?”

“Yes. She’s requested Rellana’s specialty Carian tea.”

“Ah, a personal favorite of mine. I’ll see her desire fulfilled, my Lord.”

Messmer nods and returns to you, shutting the door swiftly. You’re still laying down on the bed, the covers pulled over you. He sits on the bed and smooths a few rebellious strands of hair down.

“I probably look awful.”

“Never.”

You roll your eyes. “You always were a poor liar, Messmer.”

“I shall never utter a word of disgust or mocking towards thee, beloved.” Even like this, you were beautiful to him.

“I know.” You bring a hand up to cup his cheek and he moves forward, sighing into your touch.

“If I must describe thee, I would say thou lookest sick. Nothing more.”

“How sweet of you. I’m sure if I looked in a mirror, it would shatter.”

“Nonsense.” He kisses your knuckle. “I shall hear these false notions no longer.”

“Fine. But I could probably use a bath.”

“If that is thine desire.”

“Only if you bathe me.” You playfully wink at him. His face reddens.

“Dost thou know no decency?”

“No,” you reply, giggling. “Not around you, at least.”

A sudden knock at the door distracts him. He releases your hand and rises from the bed.

“Enter.” His voice sounds so different when he speaks to anyone but you.

A servant comes in with a small tray of food. They gently set it down on the table beside you and bow to you both before leaving as quickly as they came.

You push yourself to sit up. Messmer moves to help you, but you refuse and slowly get up on your own. He shakes his head at your stubbornness, but he’s happy to see you regaining some strength. Just yesterday you could barely lift your head.

You look over the tray of food and see a bowl of steaming broth with some noodles, a vial of medicine, and your Carian tea. Messmer brings the tray closer to you and you move to pick up the bowl of soup. You feel the worry radiating off of him at the prospect of you burning yourself.

“I’m alright, my love. Just a little weak.” 

You take an experimental sip of your broth and nausea doesn’t immediately make you want to spit it out. Pleased, you continue to take small sips and bites. You hadn’t realized how hungry you were, and soon, the bowl is empty. Messmer looks ecstatic that you’ve managed to eat something. 

“How dost thou feel?”

“Fine, actually. Can I have my tea?”

“Medicine first, beloved.”

“Yes, sir.” You tease. He bites his tongue and gives you a look.

He grabs the small vial and takes the cork off. It smells horrible.

“Tell me, does this concoction taste as badly as it smells?” His nose crinkles in disgust and his serpents hiss and recoil.

“Unfortunately.” Taking the vial and tilting your head back, you pour it all into your mouth at once and swallow as quickly as you can. The bitterness coats your tongue and almost burns. You will yourself to not gag and your face scrunches up in displeasure. You can’t wait until you’re better so you no longer have to taste this.

You gesture towards your tea and Messmer hands it to you. You drink some and the bitter taste of medicine slowly recedes to a soothing spice on your tongue. 

“Would you like some?” You gesture towards the tea.

“No, beloved. I would not steal thy favorite tea from thee.”

“You can steal my medicine.” You smile at him from behind your cup.

“I wouldst rather drown.” You laugh.

“Me too.”

“Thou art braver than I.” He refers to your medicine. He places the empty bottle back on the tray and his serpents eye it warily.

You finish your tea and set it down with the rest of your dishes. Messmer moves the tray back to the table for a servant to take away later. He smiles, happy that you’ve finished everything brought to you today. You seemed to be getting better, and for that, he was grateful. Some color had returned to your smooth skin and your eyes seemed more alert.

“Would you come hold me?” You shoot him a pleading glance.

“Thou knowest my weakness, wife. I shall never say no to thee.”

“You just did.” He gently scoots into bed beside you.

“Hmm?” He tilts his head.

“You said you wouldn’t steal my tea. You technically said no to me.” You pout.

He shakes his head, drawing you closer in his arms. His serpents wind protectively over you and you sigh, content.

“I am afraid thou art taking mine words too literally.”

“Maybe.” You mumble into his chest.

“Sleep. Exhaustion clings to thee.” He strokes your hair.

He expects a response from you, and a witty one at that. Perhaps something about how he’s confusing exhaustion for not bathing regularly. But he looks down and you’re fast asleep, tucked into him. He wonders if the Carian tea puts one to sleep. If so, he needs to have a plentiful supply.

His darling wife is getting better, and it did not even require him to pray to Mother. He will dwell on the implications of that later.

[cherryyycosmosss]

Ryomen Sukuna x f!reader

He sees you for the first time. ☯️

This is set in the heian era, where the reader is a princess.

Enjoy <3💗

𝙏𝙨𝙠.

"These filthy imbecile sorcerers, do they really think that joining forces with each other is going to help them decimate me?"

Sukuna groaned holding his bloodied arm as he made his way to the river through the dense forest.

He had just annihilated a group of sorcerers who had teamed up with one another thinking they could actually eradicate the king of curses, but were proven wrong and suffered the same fate as their other fellow sorcerers.

He bent down at the edge of the river and as he sank his arms into the flowing water to wash off the blood enveloped on them, he heard a faint humming echo in his ears.

It sounded sweet, innocent and almost pleasant which surprised him a little since hearing people being happy usually made him want to snap their bodies in half.

The mesmerising melody rang in his ears and he couldn't help but feel drawn to it. So, he slowly walked towards where he guessed this voice was coming from, his curiosity slowly rising but all of his thoughts came to an abrupt halt stopping him on his tracks when his eyes laid on 𝙮𝙤𝙪.

You were sitting on top of a large rock, a white little kitten resting on your lap as you hummed a song, hand gently caressing its soft fur trying to lull the kitten to sleep.

You were wearing a floral, paled turquoise coloured uchikake with lilac and white accents, its fabric flowing along the breeze of the wind in harmony with your long black hair.

𝘽𝙚𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙛𝙪𝙡, he thought to himself watching you from behind a tree so that his sudden presence wouldn't scare you off.

You looked at the little animal fondly with a serene smile resting on your lips and sukuna felt his heart beating slightly faster.

He couldn't comprehend how someone could look so pristine, knowing that the world he was born in wasn't one that was run on empathy and goodwill and 𝙮𝙚𝙩, your eyes held so much kindness and affection that he knew they'd be able to mend a broken soul with just a look alone.

He knew that he could capture you right then and there, taking you with him to keep you all to himself but what he was also aware of, was that the moment he'd do something like that, all of that warmth in your eyes would be replaced with terror, fear and agony.

The thought of that glow disappearing from your eyes angered him a lot more than he'd like to admit and he just couldn't figure out why.

In just a span of a few minutes, for the first time, he felt an array of emotions that he didn't even know he was capable of feeling reminding him that even though people called him a monster, a demon or a heartless beast, maybe, just maybe, he was 𝙝𝙪𝙢𝙖𝙣 afterall.

"My lady, where have you been, we've been looking all over the palace for you."

A woman came running, stopping right in front of you, panting as she tried to catch her breath.

"Oh honoka, I was just out getting some fresh air, you mustn't worry so much about me."

You said smiling at your lady-in-waiting.

"But my lady, it's going to get dark soon, we shall return to the palace now."

She said with worry laced in her voice.

"Fine, let's head back."

You said not wanting to make her worry anymore than you already had.

Sukuna watched you disappear into the dawn, suddenly finding himself craving the calmness your presence had brought to his heart.

However, he didn't dwell on that concern for too long because he knew he was going to see you again soon,

𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙨𝙤𝙤𝙣.

[silken-moonlight]

Older Alpha and Human Waitress / Moodboard and playlist

Desmond Lyall

We already had an introductory post for Desmond; however, I wanted to write a little more about him. Desmond's family had been...tense. His father was a man of sternness and coldness; weakness was not tolerated in his house. In the werewolf community, this is viewed as toxic Alpha family behavior. His mother was no different. With both his parents alphas and raised with the same mindset, it had been a difficult environment to grow up in. Desmond was the golden child; he was expected to be perfect. He managed to become a somewhat good person still. His younger brother, William, was not as fortunate. He suffered under the reign of his parents. Back then, Desmond had viewed him as weak. Like his parents, he was disappointed in his brother and his rebellious behavior.

Nowadays, Desmond has matured as a person. Being the Alpha of his pack has made him view things differently. Many challenges and changes have occurred for him over the years. He has come to put his own needs behind everyone else's. He occasionally takes time for himself, but that has become rare. He overworks himself to the point that his beta, Isaac, is concerned about his physical and mental health. He has changed, becoming awfully similar to his father, and he hates that but cannot help it. He is complex and has so many layers that somebody would need to free him. He himself would never find peace on his own; somebody has to guide him.

His greatest and deepest desire is to feel cared for. He wants to be weak, even if he could never admit that. He yearns for something, something that is just his own. He yearns for love and warmth, gentle touches and silly moments. These songs shall display him a little better

The reader/ you

Disclaimer: This is how I imagined the reader. How you imagine them or if you imagine yourself is your Business. This is just 'my' view, please don't see this as Set thing how you should imagine the reader/you.

A little background for the reader: She still lives with her parents, who are both chronically ill. Her parents need her in their lives, and the reader loves her parents; however, their care and constant needs can be suffocating. Sometimes she feels like there is no way out, and she feels guilty for thinking this, since she would do anything for her family. She has lost many friends over this, and the friends that have stayed use her as a free therapist. She has sometimes lost her sense of self, and a deep exhaustion has settled into her. While she always tries to be happy and carefree, sometimes her exhaustion and sadness peak through. She loves to care for others, but it will be her eventual end if no one begins to take care of her.

She is happiest outdoors with her dogs, loving nature and books. She goes skinny-dipping in any river or pond she finds, unafraid of any animals and wanting to befriend every animal in her path. A wild child, as her parents call her, she is difficult to catch. A soul pure and good, her energy is addictive, but many drain her energy.

A/N: This was a lot of fun to do. I love making stuff like this. I hope you liked it too! I thought at first to make a pintrest Board and Spotify playlist. Though I find this solutiin a bit better. How did you like it?

[lexsssu]

Bliss (Diluc)

TAGS: Diluc/Dragoness!reader, smut, pregnancy, parenthood, drabble Ao3 ver. | Ko-fi | Commissions (OPEN)

The world is a dark and tainted place.

Behind its beauty lurked dangers all around, ready to prey upon those who’d lowered their guards enough. Diluc is certainly no stranger to the horrors that hid itself from ordinary eyes, lying in wait for even just a single moment to strike.

He would wake up every single day with trepidation in his chest, constant vigilance being his way of life ever since the day he was awakened to the cruelty of this world. Any day could be his last and any moment could be his final one alive. 

That is the reality he has come to grips with.

And yet, as you walk down the aisle with flowers in your ivory hair, so pure compared to his own flame-colored locks, you are a vision wrapped in lace as you neared him at the makeshift altar (hastily yet carefully prepared by his excited servants), Diluc found himself wondering if he was worthy of this happiness.

The Darknight Hero doesn’t believe in fate. Not when fate showed him exactly what it intended to make of his life, one filled with eternal suffering and a never-ending thirst to rid the world of its evils. 

He doesn’t think much of the disoriented young lady he finds at the outskirts of Dawn Winery, wearing clothes that didn’t seem to hail from any nation in Teyvat. But when he helps her up off the ground, he is met with a pair of innocent golden eyes and he feels something stir within the deepest recesses of his heart. 

Though what it was, he didn’t know at the time.

But now as he kisses you beneath the foot of the statue of Barbatos near Dawn Winery, the scion of the Ragnvindr family knows that despite the darkness and dangers that lurked about, there is still hope. Suffering and sadness existed so that humanity can know what happiness and love are.

And by the archons, he never knew what true happiness was until he’d whisked you off to your new shared chambers within the manor. He knew no other anxiety than that of the uncertainty of tomorrow, but even he couldn’t help but swallow the lump that formed in his throat when you fully bared your body to him for the first time. 

“You’re beautiful,” he murmurs, reverently caressing each dip and curve in your body with soft yet firm hands before latching his mouth on whatever patch of skin caught his eye, nibbling and sucking until it turned a pretty pink color. “So sweet and so soft...I could eat you right up.”

And eat you up he did.

The ginger painted your skin with bruises and lovebites, a canvas for his wandering mouth and hands. He made sure that the ones on his favorite spots would take the longest to fade, unabashedly wanting his claim over you to be obvious that only a blind man can’t see that you were utterly his.

“You’re already this excited from my mouth and hands alone? Forgive me for neglecting your most precious place then, my darling. For my negligence, I will make sure to compensate you handsomely.”

You are practically sobbing when Diluc finally relents in his assault and pulls away from you with a final obscene slurp. You could barely look at him straight as he licks off the clear viscous fluid that stained the corner of his lips all the while staring at you with clear desperation and want.

“You taste exquisite, my love. However, I believe it is about time we begin the main act. Shall we?”

And so, the rest of the night was filled with debauched screams, moans, and whimpers of pleasure as your new husband made love to you until daylight peeked out of the darkness. If you hadn’t been draconic in nature you’d have probably passed out by the 2nd hour, but thanks to your other-wordly stamina the two of you kept each other up without trouble.

Thanks to that, it wasn’t any surprise that 9 months after your wedding night, the residents of Dawn Winery welcomed their newest young master. 

Diluc sat at your bedside after you and your son had been cleaned and wrapped in new clothes. His eyes never leave you both as you fed your son his first ever meal, marvelling at the sight of this little creature that both of you created together out of love.

“What shall we name him, my love?”

“I like the name Aurick...Aurick Daemon Ragnvindr”

“A splendid name it is”

Diluc smiles and repeats the name softly under his breath.

The taste of bliss has never been sweeter than where he is right now.

[bomberqueen17]

Liveblogging the Aubreyad: Post Captain Part Two

More book, less background, all spoilers.

I will here put in a plug for listening to the Simon Vance audiobooks of this series on 1.25x speed, can't recommend highly enough. Except his foreign accents are terrible, I won't lie about that. Anyhow. Get a library card and check these out if you would rather not read my summaries, which despite their thoroughness are not entire. The books are a challenging read but I did manage it at 12 but I did that through the power of being a socially isolated undiagnosed neurodivergent child so I don't necessarily recommend that either.

A NEE HOO, the book:

In part 1 we got female characters (sweet innocent Sophia? or her worldly, dashing cousin Diana?), sweet bachelor pad, social lives, horse farts, and *jazz hands* financial ruinnnnnn, and our intrepid heroes have fled to France where a Frenchman ruined Jack's composure by kissing him. But now, war has broken out, and they must flee without being arrested, which will be very difficult because Jack is approximately the most ostentatiously English person ever to have existed on this planet, in this universe.

And so now we pay off on my earlier bullet-point about Jack's fursona.

I had genuinely forgotten about this when I first relistened to the books. I listened to this long expounded-upon scenario, where a convoy of English prisoners of the French is resting and there's a man with a tame bear passing by and the prisoners, especially a sea officer trying to impress a lady in company with him, want him to make the bear dance even though it is hot and the bear is obviously tired, and the gendarmes finally come over and insist that the bear must dance to prove it really is a tame bear, and I was just expecting this to be some background descriptive passage included in the book for the atmosphere as so many are until, as they are finally left alone and the bear-leader is sitting counting up the coins people tossed at them, unaccountably reciting them to the bear as if the bear is going to care, the bear out of nowhere answers him.

“When one sea-officer is to be roasted, there is always another at hand to turn the spit,' said the bear. 'It is an old service proverb. I hope to God I have that fornicating young sod under my command one day. i'll make him dance a hornpipe - oh, such a hornpipe. Stephen, prop my jaws open a little more, will you? I think I shall die in five minutes if you don't. Could we not creep into a field and take it off?' 'No,' said Stephen. 'But I shall lead you to an inn as soon as the market has cleared, and lodge you in a cool damp cellar for the afternoon. I will also get you a collar, to enable you to breathe. We must reach Couiza by dawn.'

Stephen for his own inscrutable reasons names the bear Flora and tells everyone it is a female bear whose female troubles make it bad at dancing. Meanwhile Jack is being slowly murdered by the suit, his bare bloody feet glued to the costume's paws, insects eating him, never able to eat or drink enough, always overheated. By the time they make it to the Spanish border, Jack is nearly dead. It's a good character study: he is still thinking tactically at some times, still has the capacity to wonder whether Stephen might yet betray him, to notice that he has heretofore in their acquaintance underestimated Stephen severely, but his innate and natural response to this kind of hopeless privation and suffering is to simply submit to it and endure, doing whatever Stephen tells him to, understanding that there is no useful resistance he can make; he resents Stephen but also recognizes that Stephen too is suffering, this is simply what must be done and he must endure it, beyond any concept of limits. As they finally reach Spain he sits on a rock and dreamily tells Stephen he is glad Stephen seems so happy, and just sort of echoes whatever Stephen says, clearly well beyond comprehending what's going on anymore. (He does revive once the bear suit comes off.)

He spends some time very ill in Stephen's house just across the border. Stephen owns a castle there, though it's mostly in ruins. Once Jack can move, they make their way, this time both as humans, down to Gibraltar, and book passage home in an Indiaman* that has happened to put in there for repairs.

[* for the record the word Indiaman refers to a merchant ship plying the rich trade route to India, and would have female pronouns, like any ship. Actual human Indian men, if sailors or soldiers, are referred to as Lascars, with normal human pronouns as applicable, and as far as I can tell this is just a neutral descriptor and even though racial attitudes of the time were what they were, was not ever particularly used as a slur. Now You Know. Listen I'm trying to look things up as I go, since there's Period-Typical-Everything in here, but I might miss some, do be advised; I don't intend to condone any anythings in any of this nor do I wish to carelessly use loaded terms but it can be difficult to suss out what's what in the modern context.]

Aboard that Indiaman is another of my earlier bullet points: yes it's TOM PULLINGS. Jack recognizes him by his huge grin from across the ship, he's so delighted to see them, human sunbeam that he is.

Never confirmed as a lieutenant after the acting commission Jack had given him in the Sophie, quite without any political influence or hope of help in that quarter (though Jack had written letters of introduction for him to every single captain he knew who he thought might have a spot for him), TOM PULLINGS has given up on the Navy and taken a job with the East India Company, which pays better but is entirely without glory or hope of promotion.

“Why, sir, I could not get a ship and they would not confirm me in my rank. No white lapels for you, Pullings, old cock, they said. We got too many coves like you, by half." ''What a damned shame," cried Jack, who had seen Pullings in action and who knew that the Navy did not and indeed could not possibly have too many coves like him.

Another fun bit of fuzzy timekeeping which I should tally somewhere here is that while we know Jack and Stephen's adventure in France was of some considerable duration, every so often for the next few books Pullings will point out yet another Indiaman and say delightedly "I made two voyages in her", and I should start a running tally of How Many Indiamen Has Tom Pullings Been In somewhere because each voyage is a minimum of six months, and we have seen Pullings earlier in this book, he attended the St Vincent Battle Ball in February of-- whatever year that was. (Side note: Mowett mentions having served previously in the Namur, which was at the Battle of St Vincent, and it was only three years before, so it's perfectly possible he was there, but it's never brought up. Thinks to think upon!)

(I am sure some fan at some point has already done this work. But all the discussion boards are from 2003ish and it is hard to search them. Better than modern fandoms, where it all vanishes into private Discords, but it is... sort of sad, to look through the moribund message boards and remember being in spaces like that and how great they were. RIP to the golden days of the Internet.)

I've already explained how promotion works, so I don't need to elaborate on how very slim Pullings's career prospects are. He shows Jack all around his ship, and Jack tries very hard to be polite, but merchantmen, after the Navy, are a sort of sorry, squalid state of things, and there's not a lot to be polite about. Pullings clearly does the best he can but he has only a thin crew, a poor-sailing sluggish fat ship, and a timid captain to work with. What's worse, many of the crew are Lascars-- fine seamen, but they seem poorly; the initial assumption that they are simply not used to the cold proves wrong, it turns out that they're all succumbing to the flu, which is affecting the Europeans too but is hitting the Lascars that much harder. So the ship is now critically short-handed, with many of the crew incapacitated by the flu.

And then a French privateer heaves into sight, the Bellone. The captain doesn't know what to do and is terrified. Pullings beats the ship approximately into shape by sheer dint of competence and strong feeling, but there's not a lot of hope, he quite simply has very little to work with. Jack steps up and volunteers to take charge of one of the divisions of guns. It is so long since they have been used that he has to fire one to blow the port lid off, it having been painted into place long ago.

A brisk action ensues, but the Indiaman, despite all the heroics Jack and Pullings can manage, is overwhelmed and taken. Jack and Pullings are both moderately-to-severely injured in the fight, Jack left briefly in a coma after falling down a hatchway and Pullings being both shot and stabbed. The French steal everything aboard the ship including the passengers' personal property and Stephen's surgical implements that he was in the middle of using, impose a heavy prize-crew, and undertake to sail the Indiaman to a Spanish harbor. Jack will certainly spend the war a French prisoner, with no hope of getting home, getting a command, advancing his career, staying relevant.

But then an English brig, recognized as the Seagull by Pullings because his uncle used to be the sailing master in her, shows up and fights the French prize-crew to a standstill. Our heroes spend the action locked up below, but the French captain lets them out when the action grinds to a pause, the Seagull heavily damaged trying to repair itself enough to continue. Things look bad; the Frenchman is annoyed and might just sink the Seagull out of spite, but then a squadron of homeward-bound Royal Navy ships of the line round the headland-- the HMS Colossus, a 74, the Tonnant of eighty guns, more behind them-- and Jack puts his hand down over the touch-hole of the gun the Frenchman was about to fire at the Seagull and coldly tells him he must surrender to the brig.

Which he does.

So now Jack is home to England, and back in the running to get himself a ship so he can participate in this war and stay alive in his career-- but where he also is still at constant risk of being arrested for debt.

The new First Lord of the Admiralty is Lord Melville, whose family name is Dundas-- the older brother, in fact, of Heneage Dundas, who was a midshipman and then a lieutenant alongside Jack, one of his best friends. Melville thinks his younger brother is a bit of an idiot, but has some small fondness for Jack anyway. So there's hope. But Jack is arriving so late that all the best posts have already been snapped up. Melville promises to do his best to find him something, but tells him not to hold out much hope of something actually good. Jack does explain his specific problem, however-- the debt thing-- and Melville is understanding of it at least.

Jack has taken lodgings in a tiny shack outside of town with Stephen, giving rise to this charming description, please to look out for a particularly excellent 19th-century word usage:

At present they were lodging in an idyllic cottage near the heath with green shutters and a honeysuckle over the door - idyllic in summer, that is to say. They were looking after themselves, living with rigid economy; and there was no greater proof of their friendship than the way their harmony withstood their very grave differences in domestic behaviour. In Jack's opinion Stephen was little better than a slut: his papers, odd bits of dry, garlic'd bread, his razors and small-clothes lay on and about his private table in a miserable squalor; and from the appearance of the grizzled wig that was now acting as a tea-cosy for his milk-saucepan, it was clear that he had breakfasted on marmalade.

Stephen you slut indeed.

They go to a party-- a risky proposition, with Jack a wanted man, but Everyone who is Everyone will be there, and he quite simply needs to remind his various powerful acquaintances that he is here and in need. So they go. Diana is there, and also a well-connected, very wealthy merchant named Canning. Canning's merchant ships are very much preyed-upon by privateers-- especially the Bellone-- and he has been commissioning privateers of his own to defend them. He very politely, indirectly goes as far as is decent toward offering Jack the command of the latest of these, which is to be very large and powerful indeed. It is deeply, deeply tempting, and Jack considers it at length, but his ambition above all else lies with the Navy, and Lord Melville is also at the party and tells him he should come the very next day to a meeting, Melville thinks he might have something for him.

Diana also offers to Jack that he might come see her the next day. He points out, sensibly, that he is at risk of arrest, and so it would be deeply irresponsible of him to go jaunting about the city. She scorns him for this, saying he is being a coward to even consider such things as his own personal ruin. She quite openly only wants him if he's willing to ruin himself for her.

Jack goes out for a walk late that night, out in a deserted area, to think. A man tries to mug him and his immediate reflex, honed by kind of a lot of hand-to-hand combat experience, is to just absolutely beat the shit out of the guy in about two blows. He lays him out cold and then, standing over the body, realizes he can't leave the man lying here as it's coming on to freeze and the fellow will die of exposure. So, cursing how complicated everything always has to be on land, he carries the man home, as you do, and ties him to a chair, and promptly falls asleep in the other chair waiting for Stephen, who went to visit other friends after the party.

(Several times in the series it is made plain that Jack has been at sea since he was an actual child, and his understanding of how laws work by land is very extremely fuzzy at best; his education in general is shockingly lacking. He knows the Articles of War cold, could recite them back to front, can cite them by number unfailingly, but only has a vague notion of any other kind of law, and no idea at all how the land-based justice system actually works. And how could he?)

Stephen comes home near dawn to find them thus, Jack asleep in one chair, and the would-be mugger wide awake, terrified, and extremely-competently tied to their only other chair.

The would-be mugger is an excellent plot device: he succinctly and intelligently explains to Stephen and the reader exactly how English debt law works, he himself being extremely experienced in it. (Stephen is gently spooning food into the man's mouth even as he is still tied to the chair, he having admitted he only took up trying to mug people because he had not eaten in several days.) Jack also forces the man to eat some of Jack's own breakfast, under peril of being headed up in a cask and tossed overboard, which makes plain to everyone involved a) how serious he is and b) where he's more normally accustomed to being.

Jack makes his way to the meeting with Melville, who finally offers him a ship. It is not a good ship. Melville actually feels guilty to even offer it. It is called HMS Polychrest, it is a misguided experiment gone wrong, built by a corrupt dockyard to the specifications of an ill-informed landlubber with ideas. But, it has cannons and it technically floats, so Jack takes it.

He's aware that Melville feels like shit about it, though, so he figures he has one, and only one, big concession he can ask for. And he shoots that shot on one, very dear, very precious thing that he very badly wants:

TOM PULLINGS, to be made lieutenant at last, and to serve with him in this misbegotten floating disaster.

I will break off again here because this is too long. Stay tuned for PART THREE, in which I promise I'll tell you how Barret Bonden punches out a cop.

[hils79]

Hils Watches Lovely Runner - Ep 4

HE SAVED HER AFTER THE CAR ACCIDENT I KNEW IT!

AND HE KNEW WHO SHE WAS WHEN THEY MET ON THE BRIDGE! Okay, that I did not see coming.

This is clearly going to be an excessive capslock episode I'm very sorry.

This whole scene hits different now that you know that he's been in love with her since he was in school, and that she's the reason he likes those sweets in the first place. I love this so much!

WAIT THAT'S JONGHO SINGING! OMG I know the song but I totally forgot it was from this drama. I am such a bad Atiny. Has this song played before and I just haven't noticed?

I am going to say that I'm going to be a bit annoyed if it turned out someone pushed him or something. It'd feel almost like saying 'we can't have a romantic lead who suffers from depression' or something like that. But I shall reserve judgement until we see how it plays out. I mean stuff keeps changing because of the time travel stuff anyway. Just a thought I had was all.

I understand the logic of trying to exactly recreate the situation that sent her back into the past last time but I'm not sure lying in a river in the middle of the night was part of the magic

Calling it now this dude killed him because Sunjae wanted to retire. I have absolutely no foundation for this theory beyond knowledge of drama tropes but that's what I think

I know that you're grieving for your best friend but why would you say something cryptic like this and then just hang up without explaining when she asks what you mean

Ah, the magic only works at midnight! That makes sense. As much as anything to do with magic makes sense. I still don't understand what caused her to come back to 2023 in the first place though. Is it because Sunjae told her he loves her even if she didn't hear it?

Oh no she remembers what happened while she was back in 2023 including rejecting Sunjae and hitting him with her bag. OH NO.

This poor boy though. The girl he likes has what seems like a total personality change, tells him to get lost, and then a week later she's back to the way she was again.

Oh, yeah, him. Love him calling her 'girlfriend' rather than her name just because Sunjae is standing right there

When you find out your 19 year old past self is totally cringe

He's handling the whole personality switch thing far better than Sunjae is

This is so funny I thought for sure she was going to be the one who inspired him to become a singer and instead she's doing whatever she can to make sure he doesn't become an idol to protect him.

Of course there's a bully. There's always a bully. He can be friends with the bitchy girl who hates Im Sol.

Oh, punch him!

Holy fuck she just headbutted him before Sunjae could even land a punch. I love her so much.

Ah, I see. She saved him from his bully and now he's going to save her from hers

Scrap that she saved herself because she's awesome

Oh that's so smart she yelled a bunch of stuff about the future so time froze and she could sneak past Sunjae's dad

I love that even though she knows Sunjae as a friend now she still goes into fangirl mode sometimes. It's so cute.

Really can't relate to what a heavy sleeper she is. This is, what, the second or third time she's been asleep while he's been there and hasn't woken up at all. I'd have been awake as soon as he opened the bedroom door.

God he's so adorable. Look at him comparing their hand sizes.

The only time he ever looks happy now that he can't swim is when he's with her. I'm fine. I'm definitely not crying.

So she gave him the advice that he gave her. Does that mean he only knew to say it to her because said it to him in the first place? My head hurts 😂

I mean they can. You just can't be friends with this particular girl because you're in love with her

This is honestly making all the cringe stuff I did as a teen seem totally sane and normal

Okay, what's with the sus taxi that was going to stop and then pulled away when the driver saw that Im Sol wasn't alone?

He's all wet again. And, hey, she's remembered that he was the one who saved her after her accident