#hooray for sobriety

[junkiemagoo]

ONE YEAR SOBER!!!!

𝚅𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚘 ↣ 𝙾𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛/𝙽𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸

𝙿𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚘 ↣ 𝙹𝚊𝚗𝚞𝚛𝚢 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟺

[corpsegold]

Lamotrigine has completely killed all my disordered eating behaviours and thinking so I’m gonna go through and unfollow ed blogs (or blogs that are almost completely ed focused) and use this sideblog for addiction recovery blogging instead I think. I’m trying to go sober this new year. Currently have a physical dependence of about 20 units of alcohol a day, gonna try and wean off. Forgot how shit withdrawal feels. But yeah hooray for not bingeing and purging for the past 2 months or so. Feels amazing (saving so much money as well!) Have barely gained weight either, apart from how much I’ve been drinking the past month, but even then its only a few pounds which really isn't that bad in context LOL, have easily drank 30k cal surplus over the past month so 6 pounds of gain is completely chill... happy new year yall

[fortheloveofdeaddove]

Mental health ramblings and a literal vomit rant

Thanks for the amazing messages of support recently. I read them all and take them to heart, and do a LOT of beating myself up for not always responding. Thanks for being understanding about that. In my support circle, there's is a secret 4th "person" that I have been saved by many times, but actively try not to rely on because that would be bad for many reasons. That secret 4th person is The Positive Interactions I Get On Tumblr.

Hm... Pounded By the Positive Interactions I Get On Tumblr sounds like a GREAT new title for @drchucktingle.

Anyway on to the title of the blog.

Am I sick, or am I depressed?

Like, vomiting feels near. Headache, check, full-body "medicated" feeling, check, hot and cold flashes, check, possible fever sweats or maybe just normal sweats cuz weather's bein' real frickin weird in the Land of Oz in March, check.

Circumstantial evidence suggests stomach flu is likely - it hit The Father, The Kiddo, and a huge percentage of my city's population *crosses self*.

Is it both? After several weeks of my version of pushing myself, this may be the natural low dip.

Is it my period? Probably that, too. The ol' endo pain has been tickling (that's not the right word but it's poetically speaking not the wrong word) at my sides, *checks* yup, boobs are sore. And last month's pimples are nearly healed indicating just about enough time has passed before I can expect new ones (I have a gyno appt on Friday next week - believe me, I am finally asking about getting The Scoop or whatever needs to be done to make this STOP).

Or, is it this weird 4th/5th thing where I'm a bad person and making this happen somehow with my attitude and tendency to "overstate things" (oooh, ouch, I'm still hung up on that). And codependency. Can't hurt to throw that in there (last sobriety meeting covered codependency And It Stirred Things).

Mainly I just wanna know if I'm gonna start projectile vomiting, and since I can't know until it's happening, I'm needlessly documenting this despite the increasing headache, AS WELL AS PREPARING UTTERLY.

Now for my very weird take on vomiting. Here's your chance to opt out of me non-graphically (imo) explaining my personal history with vomiting, vomiting technique, and vomiting etiquette. I do not have a purging eating disorder (no no, just the binge for me, I'm already near my disorder limit for my lifetime). You might be sensitive to/bothered by the following if you do deal with eating disorders.

For my kinksters, this is not about emotophilia. However, feel free to get off on this in the event that that is your thing. I don't love it, but I fully support YOU loving it. (Oh gawd I've turned into that Cringe Kink Parent... Hooray!)

The observant reader can very much tell I am an alcoholic( 172 or 3 days sober, 4 years into recovery journey).

I've long said of myself, even though it's a very weird thing to say facetiously though it's meant, "Self," I says, "if I'm ever being tortured for information (ha!), all they'd need to do is make me nauseous."

I can handle most anything else they could think of, but I'd break under nausea in an instant. I hate, I hate, I HATE nausea. No one loves it lets be real (wait, let me Google that... well, that's just gonna have to be for another day, and possibly a different search engine), but I do think I may have an irrational intolerance for it. I damn near panic. If I can't know for a fact that I can't hydrate, Pepto, or THC my way out of it, my finger is going DOWN DOWN DOWN my throat until enough momentum is going for a full sesh. And if I stop prematurely, that finger is going BACK down.

Additionally, vomiting is messy. Rarely is that the only "evacuating" you're doing at the same time (at least when you're me). And I hate nothing more than cleaning up puke or other fluids. So if I am lucky enough to have some forewarning, you will find me ON a toilet, with a nice, clean bucket or trashcan to puke into (just don't come looking for me, please, why would you do that).

There will be a cup/bottle of water there already, and I will have hydrated enough to make this a smooth operation. There will be a washcloth/towel. Once I even managed to have the space heater in the bathroom waiting for me, because I get really fucking cold AFTER puking. The fan will be on hand somewhere close by to point at me when I get hot before and DURING the vomiting.

I cannot parse the reasons why, but I'm still flattered by the compliment from my last ex - "Wow, you know how to puke like a professional." So many red flags lololol.

So anyway that's the end of my Puke Ted Talk. I'm gonna try and sleep and we'll see if I wake up at the witching hour to puke. Because it's always the witching hour. Have YOU ever woken up to puke at 2 am or 4 am? No. It's always 3.

[majesticwren]

due to high demand - me. I'm high demand. this entire project is being written entirely for my pleasure, be warned I'm being extremely self-indulgent - I've decided to write a little prequel to the events that take place here. this is set in 2018 and is the beginning of Fletch x OFC. billy will have his own little prequel at some point. enjoy. a/n: please don't come for me I am heavily lingering into the angst and the toxicity and the drama only for the pleasure of it and this is my testimony be warned because we'll dive head first in it folks.

Trigger Warning/s: OFC is her own trigger warning she is damaged goods and slightly toxic and emotionally unavailable, kyle is a little baby, mark is being overprotective and extremely toxic sorry not sorry, alcohol consumption, mention of addiction, mention of heroin abuse, mention of sex, mention of trauma, mention of intentional overdose, swearing, smut!, unprotected sex (this is a fic, don't do this at home kids, know your sexed!), loss of virginity (Kyle's a baby, as already said), OFC is slightly dom, angst, mainly friends to lovers/impossible relationship dynamics.

nuclear season: part I -> | part II -> | part III -> prequel: <- part I | part III -> | part IV -> Masterlist

“I tell you,” Kyle chuckled, “you should have been there. I fell off the stool from laughter. I have never seen anything like it before in my life,”

They laid close to each other in a nest of covers and pillows on her bed in her messy hotel room. Music played in the background. Erika looked at his features, getting inebriated by the naïve, sweet look he had on his pretty face. His blushed cheeks and the lack of focus he had due to being tipsy were getting her drunk more than the alcohol.

“Well, then,” Erika raised the half-full bottle of tequila in a cheer, “I suppose that requires a hooray!” giggling to herself, she let her head fall heavy on the nest of pillows. She wasn’t even sure what they were talking about anymore.

She had tried so hard to stay as far away from heavily drinking for so long, that she almost got back to being able to feel tipsy and enjoy it. She hadn’t been completely clean, but she hadn’t gotten drunk in months. Until tonight.

Sobriety would have meant for her to have a clearer mind to take sensed, thought-through decisions, considering a whole lot of consequences and people involved. But that also meant she was supposed to face her emotions, which Erika had no intention of doing. Not after she had to face Mark’s words.

If her brother didn’t believe in her, what chance did she have?

She tried to escape her past, but it was just as her brother had said. A tiger wouldn’t lose her strips. She would have never become anything better than who she was. Forever branded like the unreliable troublemaker unworthy of the benefit of the doubt or any hope.

She had been so stupid for believing anything could change. That she had a chance to become something better.

And then there was Kyle. She didn’t even want to think about how heartbroken she was. It hurt so much to want someone so desperately and knowing so well she’d never have him. It hurt too much for her to bear. If she had been given the chance to be someone different from her past, maybe she would have thought she could make it. Maybe she would treat him well, give him the affection he deserved and trust him to give her the respect she needed. But she wasn’t different. She was the same girl she left in Australia, only lived in the United Kingdom and pretended to be someone else for kicks.

And now, she just knew she was going to break Kyle’s heart. It was a conscious decision she had made.

Instead of considering her options, Erika decided to take the familiar route of drowning herself in a bottle of tequila and making bad decisions. It was easy enough to forget about her dreams and expectations. And the more she fell into her drunkenness mess of incoherent stormy emotions, the more she became erratic and unpredictable, spiralling into a dark void. She was stuck in an ouroboros where she became the thing she feared the most to escape it.

And now, she was ready to stand by the rubble of everything she was going to ruin.

Before Kyle could grab the bottle from her grasp, Erika retrieved it to her chest, sending him a teasing look, challenging him to come and get it as she drank more of the bitter liquor herself. She hid her grin behind the bottle, chugging down a big gulp. No salt. No lime. No shame.

The liquid felt hot as it slid down her throat and into her stomach. Its warmth spread quickly through her and into her mind, making it difficult to focus on much more but Kyle’s lips.

“You are so pretty,” she whispered, deciding to push herself to break the distance between them and tracing his jawline with her fingertips. “Beautiful, actually.”

Kyle’s face became red all over. “Not like you,” he dared and then stole the bottle off her grasp and hid his timidity behind it.

She felt every inch of her skin itch to be touched. The small distance dividing them was so painful to endure. She felt the need to feel him. To have him. Hanging between their words and in their crossed gazes there was everything she tried to deny herself from feeling and all the space he allowed her to have, respecting her wishes. The difference was she was done being mature. She had taken her decision. Trying and act like the bigger person, getting away from everything toxic in her behaviour, didn’t bring her anywhere. So why keep fighting?

That was her last chance to make a sensible decision before ruining everything.

Fuck Mark.

She thought impulsively, getting distracted from Kyle.

Fuck him and all his empty promises and his pretended love. He didn’t deserve her to try. He didn’t believe she could, anyway. So, he wasn’t going to have the best version of her. He ripped her hope away and threw her in the dark. So, she was going to hurt the only person he cared about. And she had every intention of liking it. Kyle would have been delicious; she just knew it.

“I am so glad you are here,” she didn’t need to lie about that. She was aware of what she was walking into and what she would have done. But she truly liked him.

This time, she traced her fingers to his chin, close to his lips.

Kyle popped a timid smile, as he looked at her face. Words didn’t come out of his mouth. He was fiddling with his hands. So nervous and pretty, made her smile widen. Delicious.

Erika was naturally prompted to move to him, placing a hand on his chest. “What is it, baby?” She wondered in a low purr, pushing herself closer to him. “You are so nervous.”

“I didn’t think you’d call; you know?”

“No?” Erika decided it was time to get rid of the bottle of tequila, which she leaned over to leave on the bedside cabinet, before quickly going back to snuggling by Kyle’s side. “You haven’t noticed how I look at you?”

“I have. I do. I hope that you’ll notice me all the time,” he admitted, “but you made it clear you need distance, and that’s what I gave you.”

“And I appreciate that,” Erika wasn’t lying. Nothing of what she felt for him was constructed. She was truly enjoying spending time with him and wanted so much more from him that it felt difficult to breathe; even though she did ask him to join her only because of her quarrel with Mark, to prove a point, and was determined to break both their hearts.

If she was supposed to end up suffering, she was gonna do it in the sweetest and most prohibited way possible.

“I don’t want to have distance anymore,” Erika suggested, her eyes crossed Kyle’s face, soaking up his sweetness. She decided to encourage him to follow her queue by grabbing his hand and gently guiding him to place it on her stomach. He watched her do it holding his breath in his chest.

His touch was extremely attentive. Kyle laid his large hand flat on her abdomen, not daring to move. His skinny fingers were spread across her, feeling the soft material of the extra-large t-shirt she was wearing above a simple pair of booty shorts. Then, his hand moved ever so slightly, feeling her body underneath his touch.

A shiver crossed her. They were barely touching and she was already on fire. A soft sigh left her as the pleasure of his touch, even just so small, was already enough to make her stretch under him. She desperately wanted him to touch her all over and to feel him everywhere. She was ready to beg and had to bite her tongue not to. Not yet. That simple caress wasn’t enough – not even remotely.

Erika kept her hand on his, pushing him down into her belly, making him feel her. She needed him to explore her. She wanted him to desire to feel her just as badly as she did. Her other hand was still on his face as she was carried away by his timid look as he followed everything she did. There was uncertainty behind his eyes, but it was the edge of expectations he hung on that attracted her the most.

“Tell me what you are thinking,” she pulled his chin, making him look back at her. “I need to know what’s going on behind those beautiful eyes.”

Kyle tried to hide behind a chuckle, but his blushed cheeks gave him away. “What do you think I am thinking?” He wondered, trying to outsmart her.

Except Erika wasn’t playing. “I hope you are wondering what I look like when I am naked.” She dared, not stopping at how he choked on his breath. “And I am hoping you are going to put those pretty hands and lips into use soon.”

“God, Erika,” he whispered, trying to escape her gaze.

He hissed when she didn’t let him get away. “Tell me. Please, baby, I need to know. I need you.”

The way he shivered made her body react. Warmth flooded right through her, charging up her nerves and making her belly ache and her abdomen feel heavy. God, nothing about her desire needed to be forced in any way, Erika truly liked him and had been wanting him for a long time now. Only she had stopped hiding it away. Now it was her time to be selfish.

“Me too,” he admitted, leaning closer to her, enough to press his forehead on hers. “I want you so bad it hurts.”

She smiled victoriously and decided she was done waiting around. She pushed herself closer to him, brushing her lips on his.

Kyle took another few moments to warm up. He was awkward and uncertain, but surely ready to follow her queues, because, as soon as he battled with his shyness, he dived into her lips, kissing her with a hunger and desperation Erika was more than ready to match.

It had been so long since they kissed and she had missed his lips ever since.

There was a force pulling her towards him. How did she believe it possible to fight against her deepest desires?

She was such a fool.

Erika’s hand cruised across his neck and around his shoulders, pulling him down on her. She avidly studied the slim edges of his body, admiring the feeling of every muscle and bone she found, desiring to feel more. She needed his naked skin. His warmth. His everything.

Kyle weighing on her as they made out was so sweet and ravaging. She was already pretty unhinged and self-destructive, but now, nothing was stopping her.

Erika bent her leg and slid it around his thin waist, branching around him like ivy. She then guided his hand from her belly to her thigh, needing to feel his fingers on her naked skin. This time, Kyle was more courageous and took the initiative, squeezing her soft flesh into his hold. The soft moan he released, pushing himself against her, further into her arms, sent her ballistic.

Erika pushed him down on the mattress and hopped over his hips, straddling him. This time, lowering herself back down, she pushed her face into the crook of his neck, avidly kissing his skin and adoring feeling him tensing up underneath her, his choked breath was music to her ears.

Kyle took a few long seconds before feeling confident enough to wrap his hands around her hips. But then, he rewarded her by letting his hands explore her body, feeling dauntless enough to cruise up her spine and down one leg.

Erika pulled herself up sitting back into his hips and enjoying every inch of his body she felt underneath her. He was aroused. She felt his trapped erection poke her through their clothes. And, God, that was enough to make her head spin. Not thinking too clearly, she pushed her hands in between them, reaching for his belt, feeling the need to touch him.

However, before she could even realise her desires, Kyle froze and was quick to stop her. His hold on her was gentle but firm as he grabbed her hands and pushed them off him.

Erika sat back up on him, frowning. “What is it, baby?”

“Nothing,” he huffed, avoiding eye contact, “I just- would like to take it easy, for a moment.”

Looking down at him, she suddenly felt slightly uncomfortable with the idea that he may have not wanted the same thing she did, despite his clear arousal and desire for her. Though there was something in him, in his quickened breath and pink cheeks, and in the way his eyes were drawn away from her, that intrigued her even more.

She slipped a hand of his grasp only to grab his chin and pull him to look at her. “What is it, Fletch?”

“Nothing-” he choked. His entire face was becoming red.

Erika leapt into his eyes. “No. That’s not nothing.” She leaned in, brushing her lips over his softly, “Tell me.”

Kyle hesitated, looking at her for a long moment and then, with a defeated sigh, he shook his head. “I think I need a minute before we start doing stuff.”

“Ok,” she nodded, understanding and encouraging, not forcing herself on him. “Why? Are you ok?”

“More than ok,” he nodded, “please, don’t think I don’t want this. You.” He released her hand only to place his around her hips, giving her an encouraging squeeze. “Because I do. More than the world.”

“Then what is it?” She wondered softly, kissing gently his forehead and then cheeks, loving the way he moulded into her like a cat bumping his little face into her.

“I-” he choked on a secret.

“You can tell me,” She encouraged him softly, sliding her hand across the back of his neck and up his shaved hair, gently cradling him. “You can tell me anything.”

“I may not have as much experience as you think I do,” he revealed speaking quickly.

“That’s ok,” Erika pulled a gentle smile, willing to make him feel at ease. She had suspected it by the way he was attentive and soft and, if anything, it only made her more feral.

Though Kyle still shook his head. “No, you don’t understand.” He took a deep breath like he was trying to gather all his courage. “I’ve never done this before.”

Erika was stricken.

She froze on the spot, looking down at him.

However, her shock was soon gone. She was quick to cup his face into her hands, holding him ever so gently. “Are you a virgin?”

Kyle quietly nodded, face still red all over and puppy eyes so sweet her heart couldn’t take it.

Her chest was quick to warm back up and fill with a feeling so strong it made it hard to breathe. It was respect. It was affection. It was straight-up devotion, the second she realised the meaning of his words. And then it ripped her apart, as she realised he wasn’t only a sweet-looking boy she fancied. He wasn’t only a prohibited fruit she wanted to defile to prove a point. He was so much more than that. He was everything she wanted. What she felt rolling out of her chest, made her have to bite her tongue not to tell him how deep she was falling for him.

She attentively caressed his cheeks.

That wasn’t going the way she had planned. She had planned to do what she was used to, which was charming a boy into bed with her and watching her world burn. But now all of that was gone in the back of her mind. Now there was only their moment.

“Would you give it to me?” She wondered pulling his chin up, brushing her lips against his.

Kyle nodded without a second of hesitation. “Yes. Yes, please. I have thought about this so much. I just need you to go slow on me.”

“Oh? You thought about this?” Kyle whined and nodded in her hold, only attracting her attention more. Erika kissed the sides of his mouth, “When?” she wondered in a whisper, “touching yourself?” He whimpered, and then nodded again, only prompting her to pull his chin softly. “Use your words, pretty boy.”

“Yes. I did.”

Erika rewarded him with a soft kiss. “Thinking about me?”

“Mh- yes, it’s always you.”

“Fuck, Kyle,” she hissed as a shiver crossed her back, making her skin ripple in goosebumps.

There, right at that moment, as they both stood over an edge there was no coming back, Erika decided there was no past or future. They were only a boy and a girl who liked each other. There were no consequences, no regrets. Only what they felt and what they wanted.

And she desperately wanted him to be hers. Only hers.

Erika pulled him up in a kiss, starting with her plan by taking his lips. He melted underneath her, now wrapping his arms fully around her, caging in a hug and holding onto her like she was a lifeline.

This time, he was the one taking the initiative. He traced her chin with his lips and down her neck, pushing her to bend in between his arms, assaulting one of her most sensitive spots, tasting her skin.

“Yes,” she cooed with a proud smile on her lips, enjoying feeling his mouth on her. “I like that. Keep going.”

Kyle followed her words gladly, taking a liking to nibble on the sensitive skin under her ear only to feel her shiver and sigh in his arms. She whimpered when his hot tongue passed over the spots his teeth marked.

“Did you ever have a girlfriend, before?” she wondered breathlessly, sliding a hand through the longer hair on top of his head, feeling the need to grab on something.

“I am not that naïve,” he pointed out, looking up at her with a small grin, “I did stuff before, only not everything.”

God, he was breathtaking with his puffed-up lips, blushed cheeks and glimmery eyes.

“Oh, yeah?” Erika brushed her lips on his forehead, “what stuff?” She found it so arousing for no reason in particular, if not that he just became a thousand times more delicious to her. She wanted to eat him up.

Kyle went red again. “Everything else but sex.”

“Everything?” She kept wondering, tracing circles with her fingers across the back of his neck. “Like what? You had a little girlie who showed you how she liked to be touched? Or more than one girl, maybe?”

“Are you taking the piss out of me?”

“No.” She simply said looking down at him. “It turns me on. Tell me, I want to know.”

“Just one girl,” he sighed, giving her exactly what she wanted, “We were high school sweethearts, we were together for a little over one year, though it didn’t work out as soon as I started travelling with wrestling. It’s been some time now.”

“Was she pretty?” Erika causally played with his hair.

She wasn’t jealous. She had never been jealous once in her life, her ego was big enough to give her the confidence to know there was no competition with her. When she wanted something, she simply would have it. There was no other way about it. But she was proud, arrogant even, and she needed to know; she needed to hear it from his lips.

“Yes,” he nodded, “she was a pretty girl. Too pretty for me. But nothing compared to you,” Kyle didn’t disappoint her. “But you know that, don’t you?”

She pushed her index under his chin, making him lift his face. “I like to hear how pretty you think I am.”

“Breathtaking,” he revealed. The way his honest eyes glimmered, as he traced the soft lines of her features, gave her a shiver. “You look like you came out of a dream. But it isn’t only your smoky hot body or the way I’d fall on my knees every time you smile. It’s your eyes. When you look at me, I feel seen. I feel important.”

“You are seen,” Erika slid her hands around his face, making sure to be as close to him as possible, “You are important to me, Kyle.”

She shouldn’t have said it. She was well aware. But there were worse things she wanted to say just as badly. She wasn’t only falling for him; she was already there and had those three words on the tip of her tongue. She couldn’t keep it in anymore, her heart was leaping out of her chest and pouring straight into his. Erika had no control over the emotion that just overwhelmed her. But she forced herself to silence.

He may never know it. She had never been no one’s before, but she was his now. No matter about tomorrow or the consequences of all those damned choices they were making in that bed. A piece of her just left her and he had it to keep forever.

“I want to take off your clothes,” she instructed softly, her hands sliding down on his chest, hinting at her words. “Would that be ok?”

Kyle nodded quickly, only prompting her to reach for the helm of his t-shirt and pull it up and over his head. She then gave him a gentle push, hinting for him to lay back down under her. Kyle followed her queue obediently and let her feast on the view.

She saw him shirtless all the time while they worked. Sometimes around the house too. It wasn’t news. But it was entirely different now when she had his consent to study, tease and taste every centimetre of his exposed skin.

Her fingers followed attentively her gaze across his torso. His skin was soft and warm under her touch, feeling thinly stretched over his slim body. She followed the edges of his thin pecs and down the sternum to his abdomen. As she teased him, tracing her fingers lower to his belly button, Erika enjoyed seeing how his breath trembled in his belly. It gave her a hot shiver that crossed her spine and nested right into her abdomen, giving her the primal need to lower herself and leave a deep bite mark on his belly. Before she could get distracted over, her fingers cruised back up across his sides and ribs, feeling every bone under her fingertips, counting them.

Erika leaned down on him and, before he could move his arms to reach for her, she gently interceded him and made him bend them over his head. A confident smirk on her lips as she looked at him as she crossed his wrists and pinned him down, looking at him like he was his most precious possession.

“Do not move. Can you do that for me, Kyle?”

“Yes,” his voice was bent in a whimper that made her thoughts fog up.

“Good boy,” Erika rewarded him with a kiss on the lips and then moved on his neck. Her hand clawed around his jaw, pushing his head up, making him expose as much of his throat as possible just so she’d have free access to it.

She kissed and nibbled over his soft skin, having to assert the utmost control over herself so as not to leave visible marks. Even though marking him was the only thing she could think about. It was possessive, maybe wrong even, and yet, she wanted his skin to present the traces of her nails, teeth and hickeys.

Kyle moaned and stretched underneath her, bucking his hips up at her, trying to find some kind of release, as she sucked his soft skin into her mouth. It was enough to send them both insane. Erika passed her tongue from the base of his neck up to his chin. Feeling his Adam’s apple move under her muscle made her growl like a feral animal.

She then moved down across his body. Her lips moved to his shoulders as she nibbled on his collarbones and down his chest, where she enjoyed toying with his nipples, licking and sucking, only bringing him to arch underneath her and huff, blinded by pleasure.

“You need to stay still for me, baby,” she hinted as she moved down on him, crossing his abdomen with the tip of her nose.

Kyle still arched underneath her, extremely reactive to her touch.

God. And she hadn’t even got to his cock yet. She wondered what kind of little whimpers he would have offered as soon as she did.

Her hands moved across his hips and followed the edge of his jeans, moving slowly to the buckle of his belt. She looked up at him, making sure to study his reaction so she could stop if he froze again.

He didn’t. He hissed instead, arching and throwing his head backwards, letting her have a perfect view of his stretched-up body caged by the invisible chains of her will.

“Give me permission to take your pants off, baby,” she begged.

Kyle looked down at her, looking pretty and desperate, lust glimmering through his beautiful light eyes. “Yes,”

Erika started to undo his belt; her savvy fingers had no trouble with the buckle. “And then,” she started, looking back up at him, “I want to take you into my mouth. Would you like that, baby?”

Kyle let his head fall back, his chest trembled in a small whimper.

“Use your words, pretty boy,”

“Please, Erika,” he whispered, still keeping his hands above his head like he was tied down. “Yes. Do whatever you like to me.”

Erika acted frantically like her life depended on that moment. She opened his jeans and pulled them down on his hips, not letting herself look at him. Not just yet. She wanted to savour it. She pulled them down his legs, helped by him lifting his waist. They giggled innocently to each other.

Finally, once he was naked under her, Erika slid her hands across his thighs, feasting on his body.

A proud grin crossed her plump lips as she shamelessly looked at his erection. “What a nice surprise,” she teased, biting down on her lip, “such a big pretty boy with a big pretty cock,” she spaced her words willingly, adoring seeing him hang from her lips.  

Kyle was flustered, red all over his face and neck, and breathless, but didn’t hide from her. There was a certain level of expectation and ego hiding behind his curiosity. He wished to be praised. “All yours.”

His words crossed her like a spike, hitting her straight into her lower abdomen, and making her tremble. She felt her inside squeeze under the desperate pressure of feeling him inside of her. She had never experienced desire quite like that before.

“Mine.” She agreed.

His virgin skin was milky pale, making her feel the savage need to bite down on him, nibbling along his leg and up to his hipbone. A desire she gave into and responded to Kyle’s little whimpers with moans of her own.

She looked up at him, making sure he was just as lost in the moment as she was, as her lips traced across his lower abdomen. Erika was attentive as she rolled her hand around his cock, allowing Kyle to settle down into her touch. He flinched, but almost immediately relaxed under her, releasing a pleasureful sigh. Erika gently squeezed him in her palm, rolling her hand across his length.

A sharp smile crossed her lips. “Did I get your dick wet?” It was a rhetorical question. He was, in fact, wet, so to speak. But she still wanted to see him nod for her. “You are so fucking desperate; I haven’t even done anything yet.” Her hand followed her words across his cock as she dared to kiss its base, feeling the need to have a little taste of him.

Kyle moaned shamelessly. “I-” he tried to formulate words that only escaped him, mixing with whimpers.

She had never heard a prettier sound.

“What, baby?”

“Please, Erika, I can’t take it anymore,”

She was the one who whimpered now. Having him begging under her made her go feral.

Erika looked up at him, nodding. “I want you to do something for me,”

“Anything,”

“You are free to move your hands now. I want you to grab my hair as I suck on you. And I want you to pull it. And I want you to push me down on you anytime you want to go deeper into my throat.”

“Fuck-” he choked.

“Can you do this for me, baby?”

“What if I choke you?”

“God, baby,” she flicked her tongue along his length, stealing another moan and all of his focus out of him. “That’s the entire point. I want to choke on your cock.”

Kyle sounded like he could cry and she was done wasting time.

She knew well he wouldn’t have lasted long. And she was intentioned to milk every drop of the pleasure of his first time out of him. But she also wished to take it as slow as possible, just like he asked.

Erika traced his length, base to tip, with her tongue and then, she gently took him into her mouth, again allowing him to get used to the feeling of her hot mouth around him. Kyle moaned loudly, not losing a second to slip both his hands into her hair, grabbing on it more to brace himself than to control her movement. As he looked down at her, his mouth was open, pretty lips puffed and wet, his face bent in pleasure.

When she started sucking on him, Kyle was completely gone. He let his head fall backwards on the pillows and arched underneath her, whimpering and softly moaning to her every movement. Erika slid her hands up his chest, digging her nails into his skin, as she took him a little deeper into her mouth with every thrust.

Kyle followed his instinct, Erika’s lips closed around the base of his dick and he, holding her head firmly in between his hands, pushed himself as deep as possible into her throat. A shiver crossed as she felt him so deep inside of her. She released a suffocated moan that slipped right through him, shaking Kyle too.

“Fuck, baby I’m-” he gasped for air, “so close.”

Erika pulled back, releasing him and catching her breath. Looking up at him, she whipped out another sharp grin. “Do you want me to stop?” she wondered only pretending to be innocent. She had no intention of stopping.

“Not a chance,” Kyle then surprised her. He grinned too and, pulling on her hair, he hinted to her to climb back over him. “You are still wearing clothes,” he whispered as soon as she was close enough for him to kiss her.

Kyle took over. He moved her hair out of the way and kept a hand dug deep into it. She started to suspect he liked it to hold her like that. And Erika had no complaints about it. Erika threw her arms around his shoulders, enjoying his initiative. With his free hand, Kyle guided her to go back straddling him and then wrapped his arm around her hips, pushing her to sit as close to him as humanly possible.

His erection pressed on her hot core, making her head spin. It was the first moment she realised what kind of mess she was already. Her pleasure had been forgotten for a second, but now, she realised she had soaked her pants. Erika released a soft moan into his mouth as she rubbed herself against him, only giving him a hint of what to expect. She wanted to drive them both insane.

Kyle’s fingers squeezed the material of her large t-shirt, he then tugged at it and pulled it up on her figure. Erika helped him remove it and then welcomed how he moved on her with a giggle. Her body moulded on him as Kyle kissed her neck, down to her collarbones and shoulders, and lower again. His warm hands were quicker to cup her breasts, squeezing them; he followed quickly, not losing a second to suckle on her tits.

Erika’s head fell heavy as his tongue played with her hard nipples. Her stomach was invaded by a heavy wave of pleasure that slipped through her, making her skin feel tight as she stretched against him, looking to find release. A louder moan escaped her lips, only prompting him to grunt on her.

“Look at you,” she whispered brushing her smile on his forehead. “Little virgin pretty boy knows what he’s doing, uh?”

Kyle shamelessly bit her nipple, in return to her words, and then offered a cocky smirk. “I know some stuff.”

“Clearly,” she smiled, pushing a finger under his chin making him lift his face. “Can I fuck you, now?”

He trembled under her touch; his fingers squeezed her hips as he softly nodded. “Yes. I’d like that.”

“Yes, you would, baby.”

Erika downed on his lips, trapping them into a kiss. She caged his head between her arms and squeezed him against her as if she could push him into her chest and never let him go.

Kyle’s fingers hooked on the band of her booty shorts and pulled on them, teasing her. To which Erika reacted moving her hips, rubbing herself on him.

She broke their kiss, trying to catch her breath and think clearly, even though common sense still escaped her. It was too hot, he was too sweet and inebriating, and the tequila didn’t help.

“Ok,” she huffed, “do you know how it’s going to work?”

“I have access to the internet, babe. I’ve seen porn before.”

Erika smirked, shaking her head as they both blushed. “Ok, little smartass, don’t get an attitude with me,” she poked his chest, “or I’ll make you regret it and beg until you apologise to me.”

Kyle smiled, so smitten as he looked at her. “You like having control, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do.” That being said, she pulled his hair, making him bend his head for her. “I’ll give you a pass because I am about to take your virginity,” only thinking about that made her stomach tremble, “but remember it next time. A brat gets punished.”

Kyle still smiled, testing her. “Careful, I might decide to punish you, one day.”

A shiver crossed her. They had no future, she was aware, and yet she hoped for it. She wished that one day, he’d make her whine and moan desperately under his control. “Let’s see if you can take it from me, pretty boy.” She decided she rather keep pretending that was only the beginning for them.

Erika pushed him down on the mattress and then got rid of her shorts, throwing them somewhere in the room. She was quick climbing back on him and, as soon as she did, she grabbed Kyle’s cock, massaging it into her palm and silencing whatever he was going to say. “You are so hard for me, baby.”

Kyle hissed, nodding as his hands cruised on her thighs. He bit hard on his lower lip, looking so pretty underneath her, it was insane. Erika pushed him against her bare core, rubbing herself against him and immediately was shaken by a wave of pleasure, feeling how hot and heavy his flesh was. “Do you feel how wet you got me?”

He whimpered softly, looking down at their bodies meeting. “Fuck, Erika,”

Every time he called for her name, she felt transported to another dimension.

“Feels good, doesn’t it?”

“Yes. God, yes.”

“Come here, baby. Sit up for me,” she suggested and was ready to catch him as soon as he did as she asked. She rolled an arm around his shoulders, keeping him as close as possible. She needed it. She had no intention of having an inch of space in between them as she took him deep inside of her. “I want you so bad.” Erika brushed her lips on his chin, accompanying her words rubbing herself against him once more.

Kyle trembled under her and then hissed, nodding. “Me too. Please, just fuck me.”

She didn’t let him ask her again. She was done waiting and teasing. It was time and there was no going back. She was already his. And he was hers. Only for that night.

Erika lifted her hips and positioned herself on him. She looked straight into his eyes, getting lost in them as she slowly lowered herself on his erection, taking him inch by inch as slowly as she could. Pleasure shot through her immediately, connecting her to him on a deeper level. She mirrored his expression as Kyle opened his mouth, welcoming feeling her squeezing on him and taking his virginity with a silent moan. She wasn’t quiet. He was shaken by a shiver as pain and pleasure mixed through him.

Erika sat still on him, giving him the time to process how it felt. He stretched her nicely, making her feel breathless. A proud smile quickly followed as she nodded, encouraging him. “Good boy,” she whispered, kissing the sides of his mouth, hugging him. “Pretty, sweet boy. All mine.” Erika kept lulling, getting lost in their moment.

When she moved on him, she watched him take a deep breath and hold it in his chest. Pleasure was slipping through her, making it so difficult for her not to get selfish and just take what she wanted.

“Tell me how it feels, Kyle.” Her words were accompanied by another slow thrust.

He rolled his eyes in the back of his skull as a small whimper shook his chest. “You feel-” his words were choked, “Hot. And wet. And so damn tight I can’t breathe.”

“Good?” She wondered brushing her lips across his forehead and down his nose, enjoying how he moved under her, responding to her naturally.

“So, so, good, baby.”

Erika hid her proud smile into his lips, kissing him deeply.

“I will go faster now, is that ok?”

“Please,”

Erika proceeded to ride him, bucking her hips up and down his cock with increasing speed, following the pleasure quickly mounting into her lower abdomen and spreading through her as he stroked her most sensitive spot inside of her. She didn’t care about being quiet anymore. On the contrary, she was as vocal as possible. She wanted him to hear exactly what he was doing to her.

She held onto his shoulders as her pleasure only grew, making her fingers claw. She dug her nails into his flesh, willingly leaving marks across his back.

“Fuck, baby, you feel so good,” she cooed to his ear, enjoying the little noises he made in response.

“I am so close,” he whispered sounding so desperate it sent her feral.

“Do you want to come, pretty boy?” She wandered making him look at her.

Kyle nodded, letting her see how the pleasure of being lost inside of her shaped his face.

Erika pulled his hair, making him bend his head backwards and riding him mercilessly, determined to take what she wanted. Every drop of it. “Then let it go,”

He wrapped his arms around her, squeezing his fingers on every inch of skin he could grab. He pulled down on her hips, burying himself as deep inside of her as humanly possible.

“Kyle,” she welcomed him with a moan, letting her head fall backwards. She felt him in her stomach. He choked the breath out of her chest and she loved every second of it. To the point, she started wondering how she could have got back to normality.

Kyle quivered underneath her. His breath was shaken and broken, as he erratically mumbled her name, chanting it like a prayer. And then she felt him get stiffer as pleasure shook him. He found his release quickly and violently, suffocating a loud moan into the crook of her neck and letting himself go in between her arms.

Erika felt him unload inside of her; she felt every inch of him shake in waves of pleasure, that crossed straight into her flesh, pushing her over the same edge. Her pleasure caught both by surprise. She didn’t count on coming. Not the first time anyway. Instead, her orgasm mounted violently inside of her just a moment after him. Erika came calling his name in a soft whimper, praising him and cradling him into her arms. Her quivering body squeezed him into overstimulation, making him extremely reactive to her spasms, as he gifted her with small, pretty whines, not daring to push her away but letting her ride her high.

“Fuck,” she whispered, trying to catch her breath, “you are pretty good for a good, little, virgin boy.” Erika pressed grateful kisses on his forehead and cheeks, not hiding her proud, lovestruck smile.

“I can be even better,” Kyle looked up at her, so devoted she felt his gaze into her heart. His hands cupped her face as he pulled her into a soft kiss. “You know,” he began, stroking her softly, “what I feel for you, don’t you?”

Erika had to fight against the need to hear him say it. She knew. She knew so well. Her heart sang for him. She didn’t need his words to know that if she was ready to fall he’d be there to catch her. But she couldn’t afford to hear it. Erika pressed her fingers on his lips, gently shutting him up. “Whatever, you know? Don’t say it, Kyle.”

“Why?”

“Because if you say it, I’ll have to say that I do too. And that won’t be fair.”

“We just had sex. You were my first. And somehow this is worse?”

“No. Not worse,” Erika kissed his lips softly, “I can deal with sex. I know sex. I don’t know feelings. Don’t say it, Kyle, please.” She sounded so desperate.

“Ok,” the look he sent her was just as intense, “Whatever.”

Later, that same night, Kyle laid heavily on her, fast asleep. He passed out pretty quickly after their third round. Which was another surprise he had in store for her, just like the amount of pleasure he was able to give her. He was a quick, eager learner.

She wouldn’t have forgotten that night easily. Surprisingly, the good sex her little virgin pretty boy gave her wasn’t the only reason.

Erika was lost in the quietness surrounding them. Time had slowed down. She listened to his soft snoring and softly played with his hair with one hand and stroked his back with the other. His head was nested on her chest, arms caging her under him.

It was pretty good, she thought. It was something she so desperately wanted to get used to.

Maybe, she should have revised her entire plan. Maybe, she could have stood up to her brother and faced the consequence of accepting to be in love with that sweet boy. It could have worked. She could, maybe, deserve to be happy. If only-

Erika brushed her lips softly on Kyle’s forehead. “I love you,” she whispered ever so softly. A secret no one else could know.

The bright sun flooded the room. The morning was well started as birds sang outside, traffic flowed on the road by the hotel and people walked up and down the rooms, closing doors and dragging suitcases.

But the same couldn’t be said for the occupants of the bed. Erika was oblivious. Lost in her lazy slumber, drowning in soft pillows and even softer arms. She had woken a couple of times already but had decided to roll over and ignore responsibilities, only finding Kyle’s arms ready to hug her and pull her in a deeper, warmer hug. Why would she ever consider waking up when the alternative was that sweet?

A singing maid pushed her wonky trolley through the corridor. Erika vaguely heard it creak as it moved. But it was when it got slammed carelessly against the wall just outside her door that she was finally startled awake.

As Erika jumped up, Kyle too moved, rolling on his back and taking a deep breath in. Senses came back slowly to her at first; she had a second to recollect her memories, the room looked just as messy as she was used to having it, but she knew she wasn’t home, she was in a hotel somewhere in England. Essex maybe? Or Suffolk, it didn’t matter much. Then Erika was hit by a massive headache that weighed her head down. She felt it in her teeth. Behind her eyes. Under her ears. Into her fingertips and toes. Her stomach twisted.

“Ugh,” she hissed, letting herself fall back on the mattress, covering her eyes with her arm.

“’orning,” Kyle mumbled, stretching on the mattress next to her. “Did you sleep well?”

It took her a second longer to remember everything else. Mark. Kyle. The sex. The feelings. Panic started to set inside of her, making adrenaline fire up in her veins, giving her the familiar fight-or-flight feeling she was so used to dealing with running.

“Shit,” she kicked her sheets off, jumping off the bed looking for something, anything, to wear to cover herself up.

Kyle sat up, frowning, rubbing his hands on his face.

Erika took a moment to look at him, not even realising she had stopped only to think how pretty he was just awake, skin kissed by the sun. Or maybe it was everything they shared that made her want to drop everything else, slip back into bed and let him know how much she had no intention of letting him go, ever.

“What is it?” He wondered, leaning his head to the side, puzzled.

Erika got shaken back into reality and went back to her hasted movements. “You weren’t supposed to sleep here all night,” she warned directly looking at him.

“OK? So?”

“Get up,” Erika threw his t-shirt back at him. “You went M.I.A. all night, you know what that means? Mark has probably lost his mind by now.”

Kyle shook his head. “I don’t care, I am an adult. He’ll be fine.”

“No. He won’t.” Erika shook her head, “Trust me, Kyle. He won’t. Not about this.”

Kyle shook himself awake, trying to connect her words to a deeper meaning, even though his face remained only puzzled. “Slow down,” he hinted, moving to the edge of the bed to grab her by the arm and stop her erratic moving around. Kyle pulled her closer to him, and, against her better judgment, she let him. “Explain what’s going on to me, please?”

“I am kicking you out.” Erika sighed sadly. “And Mark can never know this happened,” she pointed in between them, “He won’t forgive me, ever. He doesn’t want me to be with you. He made it pretty clear last night.”

“Is that what happened at the pub? Why you left?”

“Yeah,”

“Erika,” Kyle tried to catch her gaze, “I don’t care what Mark thinks, I want to be with you.”

“No. You don’t. I have a past. I did terrible things. Mark knows every single one of those things. He knows better what’s good for me. You might be good for me, there’s hardly a person you wouldn’t be good for. But I am not good for you. He’s right on that.”

“Do I get an opinion about this?”

Erika looked up into his eyes, silently begging him to stop. “Please, Kyle, don’t go there.”

“Hey, hey,” Kyle cupped her face, making her look at him, trying to scoop her out of her panic. “I don’t care about all of that. Whatever you were before I met you won’t change the girl I fell for now. You don’t want to tell your brother? Fine by me. Just tell me you are ok.”

“I’m,” Erika was ready to slip off his hold and yet, somehow, there was something in his gaze that hooked her. “I’m ok,” she whispered leaning in to give him a quick kiss, “But you need to go.”

“Ok,” Kyle still pulled a cheeky smile, pulling her into a kiss. Then, he hopped off the bed and back into his clothes. “I’ll see you at breakfast?”

“Food. God, yes. Let’s hope we’ll be on time for it.”

He still hung by the door, looking back at her. His lips were bent in a stupid smile, his gaze, as he looked at her, was completely smitten. “For what is worth, I am glad we did what we did.”

She stood by a forked road; she was looking at her options and felt like both led to ruin. One represented something sweeter, that would have hurt so much more when everything would have gone up in flames. The other was jumping into the void now.

Erika was well aware of what she had been telling herself all night. She knew what she was supposed to do. What she thought was the best course of action. And yet, now, standing there, she was just a lovestruck girl, looking at a boy she liked so much her chest hurt only thinking about it. It was hard to breathe. She told herself she would have been able to shake herself back to normal. She was convinced she could have scratched that itch for him and then go at breaking his heart as if nothing mattered. Except she lied.

Her itch to scratch was only becoming bigger. About a lifetime size, right now. How would one shake that?

“Me too,” she admitted, pulling a soft smile. “Now go, you idiot,” she chuckled, hinting at the door. “I’ll see you later.”

As soon as Kyle left the room and Erika was left alone, her despair and torment took over her, stripping her of every good feeling and intention that was giving her a shred of hope.

She wasn’t going to be able to make him happy. Maybe for a few weeks, it would have worked, but not for long. She wasn’t enough for him. She would have never been enough, and when Kyle realised that too, it would have been the end of her. She was addicted to how he made her feel, now, because he didn’t know who she had been before and made her feel so good about everything she was and did. But what about when he’d look at her with regrets and resentment, realising he had made a mistake trusting someone like her?

Erika forced herself to shove those thoughts to the side and got in the shower, doing her best to delay the panic attack she felt mounting into her chest.

Breathing in the steam and getting lost in the soft smell of her fresh shower gel that always reminded her of a shower took in the evening after a long summer day spent at the beach was reassuring. She let the hot water run across her skin. It was a compromise between the sadness of washing away the traces of the night she spent with Kyle and the relaxation her tensed nerves found.

By the time she was done with the shower and brushed her teeth, it was almost ten o’clock and Erika had barely time to dress up and ran out of her room if she wanted to catch the breakfast. She needed it. She realised that besides a few chips and the tequila she drunk last night, she had been fasting since lunch the day before. She needed to eat some solid food, to drink a coffee and possibly some orange juice. God, she hoped to find some.

Erika entered the restaurant on a trot, welcoming the familiar smell of the breakfast canteen every hotel seemed to have with a soft smile. Most tables were being cleaned up. Most food from the buffet was gone, like the fresh pastries. But she made it. Nothing else mattered. She could see the filter coffee pot on the side and thought “life is good”.

She turned over, looking into the room, finding both Mark and Kyle sat at a table by the window. The table was a mess. Mark sat in front of Kyle, he had several stacked-up plates in front of him, already empty, probably from a while, and was enjoying some coffee, while Kyle was deep into his full breakfast. They were chitchatting joyfully, big smiles on both their faces. And Erika took a moment to just enjoy seeing them like that. She wished she had her camera on her. They were both so beautiful and without a worry in the world.

Her chest ached.

As soon as she moved, Kyle caught a glimpse of her and his eyes didn’t leave her. His cheeks immediately blushed softly as his bright eyes glimmered. There was something, in his gaze, that couldn’t be mistaken. He looked like someone who’d seen her naked. He gifted her a large smile as she approached the table.

“Hey,”

“Good morning,” Erika avoided eye contact, pushing her damp hair behind her ear as if that could mask the guilty look she had on her face. She knew Mark was looking at them, she felt his eyes suspiciously moving on her.

“Saved you the last croissant,” Kyle pushed the little plate with the golden pastry cooked to perfection closer to her.

Erika wanted to smack him, and at the same time, everything she wanted to do was to kiss him and express her utmost devotion to his sweet concern. She had to bite her tongue not to. Not when Mark was there.

They had no chance of trying to hide anything from her brother.

“Thanks,” again, she ignored Kyle as much as she could. Clearing her voice, she finally looked at Mark, finding him waiting. He read right through her. Erika immediately looked away, regretting every decision she took in the last twenty-four hours. “Ok, then, I’ll go grab myself some coffee.”

She turned over, leaving them both and went hiding at the buffet counter, weighing her options.

She could have made a run for it; the door was just to her left. Maybe there was a way to never face the consequences of her actions. Cowardice, for sure. But also, she felt it could have been easy to pack her stuff, drop her job and disappear. After all, how many times did she think about it before?

Erika made herself a glass of orange juice and gulped it down and then made another.

No. That was ridiculous. She could never do that.

Fake even when brought up in front of the crushing evidence that she was, in fact, in love with Kyle and nothing could erase what they did last night? Yes. That was better.

Erika poured herself a cup of black filter coffee, wondering if it would have tasted just as disgusting as any other hotel breakfast buffet filter coffee.

“The fuck is up with you two!?”

Mark’s sudden interruption startled her enough that she almost dropped her cups. “Shit, mate, you scared me.”

He casually poured himself a cup of coffee, even though Erika suspected that was just an excuse to get closer to her. “Don’t deflect, sis. What did you do?”

“Nothing,” she lied, shrugging.

Mark grumbled, shaking his head, so disappointed in her he didn’t even need to say anything to hurt her. “The way he looks at you it’s not nothing. And since when you are fucking shy!? C’mon, cut the crap.”

“What do you want me to say!? If I look at him you come at me because I do. And if I don’t you still-”

“Hey,” Mark pointed a finger in her face, “you think I am an idiot? I know you. What did you do!? Are you trying to stand up to me or something, playing with him in the process?”

Erika put her cups down and decided there and then that she was done. She wasn’t a coward who’d run away so easily or ignored the situation forever. Not anymore.

Anger flooded straight through her, firing up her nervous system, and making her squeeze her fists. “You think so little of me?”

“I think I know you. I think I’ve seen enough of your little whims and games. I think I don’t want to see you play with him and end up ruining him, just like you do with everything.”

“Mark,” Erika gasped, hit deeply by his words, shaking her head. “Do you hear yourself?”

“Can you blame me, sis?”

“You are supposed to be in my corner,” she was the one pointing at him now, openly confronting him. “You are supposed to support me.”

“Not with Kyle, I don’t. We both know you’ll get tired of him so quickly. As soon as you are done getting your ego fed by how differently he treats you, you’ll go back to seeking the thrill like you always do. Just leave him alone.”

“Say it,” she hissed. “Say how you think a good-for-nothing, junky, slut like me will never deserve someone like him. I fucking dare you.”

Mark huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’ll never say that to you.”

“Well, you already did. You are thinking about it. Might as well use the real words you are thinking, uh? Have the guts to go all the way, at least.”

“Fine,”

Erika gasped, feeling the air being taken out of her chest. She hoped until the end he wouldn’t agree with her. She gave him the benefit of the doubt, grasping on her last shred of trust in her brother, that he’d never go so low. And yet, she was wrong.

Of all the people in her life, even Kyle, Mark was the one most capable of destroying her.

And he just did.

“Fuck you,” Erika fought back her tears, not intentioned to give him the satisfaction to see how deeply he just hurt her. “Anything that will happen now it’s your fault. I want you to know. I want you to feel it. And regret it.”

“Erika,”

The second he tried to hold her, she pushed him back, spitting in his face. “No. You fucking bastard. You don’t get to annihilate me and shit all over everything I have done in my life, the good and the bad, in one minute, and then feel better about it.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What are you going to do?”

“Break his fucking heart for one. I could have made him happy. Maybe,” this time she didn’t hide her tears. “But you had to happen to me. I hate you. And then I am going to shoot some heroin,” Erika smiled maniacally, “Hope to die in the process and stay on your fucking conscience forever,”

Pushing Mark off again, Erika stormed out, too shaken to even consider staying, too distraught to remember about her hunger or dehydration. Who cared about those things? They weren’t important anymore.

She needed to think. She needed space. She needed a smoke so bad.

“Erika, wait,”

“Kyle, get fucked,” she hissed, not stopping her march through the lobby.

“Baby, hold on,” he caught up on her easily and tried to grab her, only for Erika to immediately fight him too.

“What!? What do you want from me, Kyle!?”

Her harsh tone clearly hurt him. Part of her wanted to apologise and hold him and let him hold her and give her all the love and support he had in him. But the rest of her didn’t allow it. She wouldn’t have allowed anyone to hurt her like Mark did. She couldn’t trust anyone, ever. It would have made her only vulnerable. Weak.

Hurting Kyle got rid of the problem. He was the only person left who saw something in her. She sure didn’t anymore. And hurting him would have hurt Mark, just like he deserved.

It didn’t matter how much it would have hurt her. She was already in hell by that point, reliving everything she had done, everything she was and wondering why she ever tried to become better when there was no chance for her.

“I need to make sure you are ok.”

“Well, I am not ok. Do you know why? Because of you. Do you want to know what!?” She burst out, “I didn’t want to say anything before because I didn’t want to hurt you, but I want nothing more to do with you. We had sex, it was fun, thanks, I needed it. And now I got what I wanted and you lost your shine to me.”

“You don’t mean that, I know you don’t.”

“Watch me meaning it.” She turned over, walking out of the hotel, only to grumble when she realised Kyle was still there. “Stop following me around like a lost puppy,”

“Erika, stop for a second, will you?”

“Why?” She did stop. And she did face him. Ready to regret everything she was going to do from there to a minute time. “So that I can look you in the eye and tell you I don’t want to see you anymore? I’ve got everything you had to give and I am done now?” Erika’s conviction in the terrible things she was saying was so true all her lies seemed real. Even to her, for a second. Enough for her not to feel her chest being ripped apart by her own hands. The world was going up in flames around her and she was ready to dance in it. “I don’t need a lost little boy who still has to learn everything in my life. I need myself a man.”

“I-” he stumbled in his own words, genuinely hurt now.

“Make everyone a favour and go back to your silly little life, playing pretend on rings in small gyms in forsaken places around the country, and leave me alone,” she dismissed him turning around, digging into her hoody pocket in search of her cigarettes. “Go back to Mark.”

She knew it took him some time to decide to retreat back inside and when Kyle finally did leave her alone, Erika felt free to let her pain slash through her. Her shoulders bent under the weight of the rubbles of her crumbling world. Hope was lost. And she found some sort of comfort in her despair. It was something familiar that she welcomed like an old friend.

She cried quietly, hiding behind a corner, finishing her cigarette, hanging desperately on the nicotine fix like it was her only lifeline. When she was done, she immediately lit herself another and waited. She wasn’t enjoying it. She wasn’t taking the moment in and soaking under the morning sun, enjoying the warm air smelling of spring. The only thing she wanted to do was to run. She was only taking a second to gather her nerves up and make a plan.

Maybe it was time to disappear. Maybe it was time to go home. Who did she think to fool? She wasn’t so strong as she thought. She would have never escaped her past. It would have always ended up that way.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

love the remark from joe about the christmas extravaganza wherein like thee main inspiration here is that it is essentially an actual christmas special that purports to be a christmas special which is about christmas specials, and his talking about like yeah the talk about commercialization(tm) of christmas and yet this is about such artifacts of [so there's Anything & there's capitalism:] but about the actual heart there & there's actually one here too, even while at no point do things pull back or become "serious" in the way that seriousness has to refer to a Tone of somberness sobriety drama & gravitas etc etc....illuminating when also only now do i know that much about the show as a whole and when also i'm not That familiar with christmas specials, though already certainly enough to like, generally Get It even without having seen the specific ones joe cites for example lol

thinking about like [there was never a Christmass held as an occasion of particular significance that didn't absorb preexisting nonchristian traditions, for instance, partying & treats] and [then a christmas carol revival and reinvention of more modern Cultural Significance, from the context of industrializing 19th century goings on & going like i don't know that the impoverishment & child labor seems great] and then like of course in a [see: that context] sense like you have Anything? in capitalism? of course like how to commodify things & fit anything that people can possibly do or desire or value into an act of consumerism, all the potential of life itself is contained in a way you can give this one company money. but at the same time here we are where just supposing there might be something "pure" of being associated with this system, you know, means what? that there, no i'm pushing through i'm making this post too lmao, that there isn't [insert Valued concept, like artistry, good intention, any genuine meaning to possibly be found] in a tv series, despite this not generally being considered the realm of High Art (which is, what, as a concept within what framework, with what examples and what reasoning) and yknow pick your true/valuable/high art, & how "pure" from any interactions w/commerce was that in its creation, or in it Now

smash cut to remembering a quote recently from someone's like first closest viewing of a Christmas(tm) happening, i think from a like roundtable article of people with varying opinions on the whole occasion from jewish currents magazine but don't quote me & i can't directly quote them but the person talking about how christmas despite all its hype seeming mostly a demanding time to perform this Event that would also invariably be a disappointment. and that had it occurring to me how like, also after the christmas carol cultural shift like the way traditions shifted / were shuffled around & absorbed & re/invented, like it wasn't really something so contained to The Home, it wasn't so centered around like whether it was amazing for small children (or there wasn't so much a concept that anything about being a small child was extra special or precious. for example the children yearn for the mines) but prior like, on The 25th what might happen is like outside homes, between Families, like the poor going out for alms, not exactly so familiar with mumming and wassailling and [it's the christmas chaos figure give it treats] as is somewhat present in halloween here modernly, hooray halloween lmao like yes Yes outside the house outside the family nighttime antics performing etc treats....anyways. also the christmas tree as like "ugh that germanic pagan ritual??" but then i think some royal xmas english or french had an xmas tree so it was like oh alright & adopted as "normal" now....but Anyways like even now reflecting like yeah lovely if Thee 25th is a genuinely nice time for people in the [nothing's open b/c why aren't you at home (or church)] nuclear family household time fr, as it's lovely if that's a generally nice context/situation/time for them in general, but it's like no the fun stuff is the more purportedly to de facto actually secular shit Outside the home & family & the 25th lmao, which is the shit that indeed seems more fun & hypey & then perhaps you encounter [actual 25th is demanding & stressful & perhaps overmuch, inevitably falling short of a pageant of perfection much less an ostensibly spontaneously genuine manifestation of perfection, etc]

certainly my own experience being like, church every week christian household so we did christmas & as a young kid it was indeed like ooh ahh i love the kind of mysterious special occasion that to me is like this chill Nighttime deal with the intriguing decorations & dim cozy Lights element like yeah love the depths of an xmas tree with the interspersed lights. then inevitably as per the nature of [you're stuck with your nuclear family in your family house, "ideally"] like the The 25th Day aspect which was never really the highlight vs the more general Xmas Zone was more an ordeal more dreaded thus eclipsing the other stuff. plus when it's like "ohh christmas can't be secular it also shouldn't even be Fun: go to church, stand around in somber wonder perhaps, the classic guilt if you want i dunno. trying to remember the annoying advent or christmas day homilies sermons Lectures like oh so you think this is a joyful time and you like the fun stuff? Wrong. not much of a conclusion beyond that now we sit around for 24 min slogging along eucharistically. ignore the more fun banger xmas singing though or we're bringing back monastic chants"

(sidebar lol a highlight of Later Christmasses Stuck With [it is a curse] was doing it monastic with nuns like yeah i'll be a tenor doing the harmony in your choir knocking out nighttime mass wahoooo....the fun of being theatrical gays like fuck yeah i'll take the reserved seating and enjoy harmonizing singing while i gotta do the church stuff anyways. and i enjoy well enough interacting w/the nuns who were nice & helping w/yknow practical shit yippee)

anyways and back to like knowing more about what's even in the full christmas extravaganza show and the illumination like oh right yeah having this Language of the heartwarming & perhaps chaotic on purpose or not Christmas Special, established / pervasive enough that even in like yeah not being very familiar w/these specific examples or even so many others, i have a grasp on the context & that language lol. as people for whom xmas is not a religious requirement thing or a casual religiousish thing or more like reverse engineering a yule out of the fun celebratory revelrous aspects & traditions lol like a secular party, or less / no direct specific interaction/relationship to the occasion: you sure still Know Of shit / have any familiarity all the same. where perhaps the stuff Surrounding xmas is like all this hype but then you participate more proximately in some [on The 25th deal] & be like isn't this just disappointing...? like so true the Secular shit is what's Fun, the [not the 25th! not dutiful church attendance!] shit is like, out of the home, interacting outside the family. it of course has the [formally businesses can only respond like uhh something something christmas is truly contained in our product] which is year round always with anything but ramped up with the [buying things] increase for xmas which is indeed a Tradition of like hey this can be expensive & stressful. and an opportunity to go "materialism....go to church" like making you think huh But. hardly necessarily Lacking anything genuine or meaningful or valuable outside [go to church] and people can be finding & creating that from what is happening in their lives anyways, & of course it doesn't have to be about Anything someone considers like ""objectively"" "significant" at all, religious or [this is anything besides a funny little occasion anyways. love to sing songs & have feasts] or like an installment of tv or like a whirlwind of like 20th century's second act secular (and decidedly heretical & technically blasphemous i'm sure combo re: the "and christianity etc etc yeah yeah" elements, if one would care about anything like that. no papal bull of approval, but ft. the tongue in cheek acknowledgment of the whole element like "it's fine to celebrate Other holidays of course. but you Gotta celebrate christmas with meeee.mp3") (separate note but shoutout to the "it's Not fine to celebrate other holidays ugh!" faction who don't Really want the idea of "we'll just be over here having a joyous occasion while you have to sit it out, unhappily unbaptized" to result in universal conversion, they just want Being Christian to confer authority, hey no you Can't be also having fun having food celebrating observing etc etc >:( and i certainly Can't be Forced at p.c. gunpoint to acknowledge Your goings on exist like You absolutely should have to Mine)

anyways it's like hell yeah fun to muse on like yeah the flipside of [strangling diminishing forces always trying to find new ways to encroach & be like how can this benefit me. like capitalism e.g.] being the creative expansive enriching forces like many people who care about the world they are in and about what actually makes life better and less strangled and diminished, which also will spontaneously find ways to grow and can't be truly extinguished or contained by the inherent stifling & limiting & extracting approach. like oh yeah of course like not just the secular out of the house outside the family shit that can be fun fr but now also the modern media, after [nothing to me b/c xmas soured & then was not much relevant & yeah i'm not exactly dying to "replace" the The 25th aspect anyways even if i supposed there was some opportunity right there but it's not much relevant] like ooh yeah fuck the joe iconis christmas extravaganza huh lmao i hear that i get that. krampusnacht's beautiful reinvention (even though afaik currently krampusnacht is also mostly about out of the house out of the family partying & antics like a lil scamp. to me it's about fucking the krampus now, alternatively, beautifully) i love it i am enthused it is a light in my heart & i'm not unserious about that, the way i could even go [!!!] just over what could be found in traces online for extravaganzas of yore back in dec 2022 when one was not currently going on. like oh yeah lol i could be on a sidewalk and go like "it's (ah) be (ah)" with corresponding choreography & the implied [—ginning to look a lot. like. chris. miss] i love strings of lights i recall the joy to the world harmony years later the nutcracker slaps always i have the media i Have encountered & do enjoy etc etc etc. and shoutout to the haters and the people who do go to church about it even possibly

[johnmulaneyscreen]

hello fans of john. i have returned from the void to say that this less gorgeous kid did in fact see “from scratch” yesterday.

and holy shit.

anyways very full circle and all that. cheers.

[with-reverence]

🦋

🌟one week sober 🥳💗

[gamergirl929]

Hooray! It’s that time of night where we make fun of Jeff’s past addictions, his relapses, and his sobriety!

[vonraptor]

So a while ago I ended up smashing my face into a keyboard repeatedly, in various shades of sobriety and wakefulness at times, and have been told that it’s pretty good. So now I’m going to be uploading the result of my incoherent thesaurus abuse for all to see!  Hooray! The other chapters I’ve written will be added soon(ish) before I get on with the next bit(s).

[senor-plume]

Thanksgiving 2012

I no longer sip the wine On Thanksgiving No ale or spirits Just stuffed bird and mashed taters As the music plays

My cat and I are Celebrating our first Holiday season together And of course I bought her a can of Turkey And a toy That has the bird on it… She bats it around the house With her little adorable paws As we wait for the Kitchen bell to chime

And then I will leave her And head on over (With turkey in tow) To my ex-wife’s place Where the boys will be waiting for me To arrive with the food

And there I’ll find my ex With a glass of wine in her hands And a smile upon her thankful face Reminding me that She still appreciates The little things that I do

And her cats (That were once mine as well) Will greet me With a sad and confused face As they don’t know me at all Anymore But I shall hand out a few more cans of turkey For them to enjoy And that will make me feel Nice and tender inside

So As 2012 comes closer to ending I realize that I am happier now Than I was a year ago And hooray for that…right?

Sobriety suits me

I enjoy the sensation of Waking up Joyful & healthy And although loneliness Plagues me from Time to time I am usually a happy pappy And today I am Beside myself with glee As The Ventures play their Christmas Songs And later I will pull out My fake and tiny X-Mas tree And place it in the corner …Plug that sucker in And enjoy the lights as the shine around my room Adding a festive glow across my face And reflecting in my glasses

Molly The Cat Will certainly show her curious side When that tree finds her gaze And I wonder if she will Bat at the bulbs

I find myself thinking of all this When the bell rings from the kitchen And it is time To get a move on (As they say)

So I pull the bird from the heat And let it sit While I Slide into my jeans And winter sweater While wondering if I should Bring along my slippers To keep my toes warm At the wife’s place

Dressed… I realize it may be tricky Placing the turkey In the old Amazon box For transportation On our short trek To the South Side

But the Gods are with me …The bird fits nicely And I do not drop it On my way downstairs to the car

And I start it up And pull on out of the Driveway Smiling And I hit the silent highway For my eight minute trip

And I cannot wait To see them all And the scent of the stuffed bird Fills the auto up And Arlo Guthrie Is the perfect music for this trip

And I am thankful for so many things That it makes my chest swell up With love and pleasure

It is days like this when I am Glad To be alive Right her / right now

So I say a little prayer To My God Thanking Him For everything And I really believe that He hears me Today

And that is mighty cool As I pull onto the street Where they are all waiting for me And that’s what I am Most Thankful for Today

[cards-onthetable]

An Education

Two foster care-related storylines in 3 episodes? I don’t have time for a full rant tonight so that may come tomorrow but first I’m going to just LET YOU ALL KNOW what we’re dealing with here. Here’s your little dose of foster care reality since the show does.not.care.

“You want to adopt that baby.” Sounds sweet, right? Wrong. Here’s what would happen if Jamie and Eddie tried to “adopt” this child who already has two parents:

Jamie and Eddie have to become certified foster parents. This process takes 60-90+ days and no, having the last name Reagan does not automatically jump them through all those hoops in 12 hours (I’m looking at you, ff.net writers). By this point, Annie has been in another home for months and realistically, she would not be moved just because Jamie and Eddie ~want~ her. Hello trauma and interrupted attachment!

But let’s say Annie did get placed with Jamie and Eddie.

Neither of her parents’ rights have been compromised. Therefore Annie will have court-ordered visitation with her dad, even if he’s incarcerated. Jamie and Eddie will spend 3 evenings a week transporting this infant to the jail (or to the foster care agency office, if the dad has been released) for visits.

Annie’s mom is in rehab - once Mom is at a point in her program where she can have family visitors, Jamko will be heading upstate for rehab visits, too. Since it’s a hike, maybe the judge will be nice and only mandate one visit per week. There go all of Jamko’s Saturdays.

A family court judge will set a “case plan” which will basically be “let Mom finish rehab, let Dad finish his jail sentence, and then we’ll re-evaluate.”

Let’s say Mom gets out of rehab. If she has stable housing, there’s a high chance the judge will immediately order Annie back into Mom’s custody since Mom was not involved in the incident that led to Annie entering foster care. Mom may not even have to prove extended sobriety - she could have her kid back 2 days after leaving rehab because it was not her drug use that put Annie in care (she’d just have to do regular drug tests according to her original court order, unrelated to child welfare). Bye-bye Annie!

Okay, but maybe Mom does not get custody for some reason. Nice! It’s looking good for Jamie and Eddie. Right?

Sure. They’re excited to keep going with all the foster care bullshit.

Like Annie’s third caseworker since entering foster care has just quit, so the new caseworker is coming over at 7am tomorrow to check things out. The new caseworker opens the fridge and gets mad that there’s no juice. “Toddlers need juice!” She says. Eddie explains that Annie had 3 cavities at her first dentist appointment, and they cut out juice to protect her teeth. The caseworker still notes “inadequate food in the home.” Jamie and Eddie forget about this until 2 months later, when they’re told they’re being investigated for failure to provide for their foster child’s needs. Another month after that, an inspector combs through every inch of their apartment and shrugs. “Looks fine to me.” Case closed. Eddie sleeps peacefully for the first time in a month.

Or like the time Jamie and Eddie came to pick up Annie from a visit with Mom at the foster agency. They get to the reception area but aren’t allowed into the huge, single room where all the visits take place at the same time. Cops come storming in and arrest an enraged bio father who has pulled out a pocketknife. Once he has been removed, they are allowed to dig their kid out from the supply closet where she was shut with 8 other kids for protection.

They also really enjoy continued visits to the prison, where their innocent toddler is always patted down invasively. A few times, after security breaches, security has asked Jamie and Eddie to open Annie’s diaper to make sure nobody’s smuggling anything in.

Annie’s growing up! She’s walking, and learning to talk. She’s almost two when Eddie hears Annie say “fuck” for the first time. She’s not sure if Annie picked this up from visits with Mom, visits with Dad, or her sketchy state-funded daycare, which was the only foster-agency-approved daycare without a waiting list.

Speaking of daycare, that’s probably where she keeps picking up all these minor bugs. This kid has a constant cold. If she shows up to a visit at the agency with too much green snot running down her face, Jamie and Eddie will be ordered to spend their evening in an emergency room for “medical clearance.” It will take 4 hours for ER staff to diagnose her with a cold and send her home.

It’s been a while! 15 months, actually, since Annie went into foster care. In accordance with the Adoption and Safe Families Act, a motion is filed to terminate Mom and Dad’s parental rights.

Great! One step closer to adopting her. Right?

LOL as if. TPR (termination of parental rights) trials don’t have any time constraints. The trial will finally start oh, a year or two after the motion is filed. They’ll get one hour of court time every month or so. 30 minutes of each session will be spent picking a date for the next session that works for Mom’s lawyer, Dad’s lawyer, Annie’s GAL, and the ACS lawyer. 25% of the time, one of the above parties has to cancel, and the court time is not made up. The trial goes on for 3 years.

Annie is 5 now, starting kindergarten! She wants to play soccer at the YMCA with her kindergarten BFF Jack (all the boys in blue bloods are named Jack). She can’t because until TPR is finalized, mandatory visits at the foster agency continue 2-3 nights per week.

Oh, Mom got a new job (this will complicate the TPR trial for sure!). She can’t possibly make it to the foster agency before 7pm. Visits are pushed back to accommodate her. Annie doesn’t leave the foster agency until 9:15pm on visit nights. A note comes home saying Annie is acting tired, frustrated, and distracted at school. There’s nothing Jamie and Eddie can do.

Finally, the TPR trial winds to a close. The judge rules to terminate Mom and Dad’s parental rights. Annie is legally free for adoption! Hooray!

Did you think it was that easy? You ignorant slut! Dad’s lawyer files an appeal. It won’t be heard in front of a judge for six months, and it’ll take a year to resolve.

Meanwhile, Jamie and Eddie have always wanted to go to Europe. They didn’t go when Annie was younger because they didn’t want to leave her. Now that she’s 7 they’d love to take her with them... but as a foster child she can’t get a passport.

Are you even still reading? I’m impressed.

I think it’s time to give Jamie and Eddie a break. Let’s say the appeals have been exhausted. The judge has approved Jamie and Eddie as Annie’s adoptive placement. They just need to fill out the paperwork and get a court date!

Of course, that takes forever too. Annie’s latest caseworker - they’ve lost count at this point - misplaces paperwork and incorrectly tells Jamie they don’t need to fill out one random medical form that turns out to be critical. This type of shit takes even more months to resolve.

Finally, the big day has arrived! Annie has been in foster care since she was 10 months old. Now she’s 9 and she’s finally getting adopted by the people who have parented her for the last 8+ years.

It WaSn’T EaSy. BuT iT wAs WoRtH iT! Right? 👍

👎 ugh no. Thank goodness that baby ended up with her grandmother, who can/will provide a permanent home with minimal court involvement. A life in the System is no life at all, bro.

[sineala]

Sineala, hi! (Is there a shorten form to call you?) I always see people talk about Civil War - Avengers Prime - Hickmanvengers being big points in Tony&Steve's relationship, fanfiction-wise. But what about Avengers vol 4? How's their relationship there? Is there any material for shippers? I hope this ask makes sense

Hi! (People usually call me Sine, by the way.)

Avengers volume 4 is, in my opinion, awfully underrated in Steve/Tony fandom. I actually didn't read it when I was getting into the pairing, because I figured that reading it after New Avengers + Mighty Avengers + Secret Invasion + Dark Reign + Siege would be too much of Bendis' writing to take all at once. No one ever really talked much about it, so I figured I could wait because it probably wasn't that good if no one talked about it. But then several months ago I ended up needing to read it to write a remix and I was surprised by how much fun it was. It's not my absolute favorite run, but it's a good solid read and there are a few really nice Steve/Tony moments, in both angsty and fluffy varieties.

More under the Read More!

The thing you should know about Avengers v4 is that the beginning is coming in hot on the heels of Steve's return to life after Civil War, so this is really the first time Steve and Tony have interacted since then. Tony doesn't remember Civil War (Steve does, though) but that doesn't mean they don't still have a lot of... issues. If you're going to read v4 you need to start with Avengers Prime, which features Steve and Tony healing the worst of their Civil War wounds. Also naked Tony. Also hugging.

Steve and Tony's relationship at the beginning of Avengers v4 is characterized by them really just trying to figure out how to have a relationship again and what that relationship should look like. And, frankly, I think they have either forgotten how much intensity normal people have in their friendships or they just don't care what normal friendships are like because it's just 1000% feelings all over the place and most of the feelings are weird and awkward and they're going to have ALL OF THEM anyway. Loudly, messily, and in public.

Like, okay, take Avengers v4 #1. This should be your standard "yay, hooray, let's put a new team together" kind of issue. Except it isn't quite so easy, with Steve and Tony. Steve wants to put Tony on the team and Tony... pulls Steve aside and tries to refuse. "We don't agree on just about anything anymore," Tony says, and Steve tries to disagree with him. And then there's this glorious panel:

"When I look at you, all I see are all the mistakes."

I mean, wow. Tony. What the hell. What is anyone supposed to say to that?

You see what I mean about all the feelings, yes?

Tony ultimately ends up agreeing to be on the team -- but the thing is, at this point in time, Steve isn't on the team, and I honestly kind of think that's why Tony agrees. Steve shows up in a few Avengers issues but officially Steve at this point is off doing black-ops work as the leader of the Secret Avengers. (He's Commander Rogers, yes. Bucky is Captain America.)

But the real fun -- and by fun I mean "massive amount of angst" -- happens in the arc that takes place in Avengers v4 #7-12. This is the arc where the Hood steals the Infinity Gems from the Illuminati. At this point, Tony is one of the Illuminati and Steve has no idea the Illuminati even exist -- until he finds out. And then, boy is he pissed that Tony has been keeping this from him. Tony and the rest of the Illuminati are in the Himalayas looking for one of their Infinity Gems when Steve shows up, bringing with him what looks like basically every superhero they both know, and they proceed to have a screaming match in the snow while surrounded by all of their friends.

Their friends know they love each other, at least?

It is, if you actually read the panels -- and I recommend you click on the link above and actually read the whole thing -- a weirdly intimate argument to be having while surrounded by everyone they know, given that this is pretty clearly about their feelings. And you'd think maybe they wouldn't want to just stand right here and scream at each other, but I guess that's what they're doing. Okay, then. This is clearly how regular friendships work. Sure.

It is at this point that Peter Parker then analogizes their relationship to “mommy and daddy fighting:”

I mean, okay, fair enough. I guess. You know, I think at this point the emotional beats of Steve and Tony's relationship would make way more actual sense if they were canonically romantically involved, but no one at Marvel asked me.

Anyway! They get to be friends again because they save the world and Tony lets Steve onto the Illuminati and I guess Steve is cool with Tony having secrets as long as he's in on them. (It is one of the weirder aspects of Steve's character that he has a lot of massive issues basically boiling down to him wanting Tony's absolute and complete trust with no secrets from him ever -- about this, about the SHRA, about the incursions, about the Guardsmen, and so on -- but as far as I can tell he doesn't demand this of anyone else. Just Tony.)

Then what happens is Fear Itself, an event that doesn't get a lot of play in fandom. It's not the best event ever, but it's not, you know, absolutely rotten. Definitely not the worst thing Matt Fraction has written! Bucky dies and stays dead for almost no time at all but Steve takes the shield back from him. (And breaks the shield. And gets the shield fixed at the end. They hit the reset button really, really fast at the end of Fear Itself.) Tony also starts drinking again, and he drinks for the duration of the event -- the deal is that he needs Odin to help him out, so he needs a sacrifice, so what he sacrifices is his sobriety.

So you'd think that even though it's Tony drinking in what is basically a cheap ploy to up the narrative tension, that fandom would be all over that the way fandom is all over Tony's other drinking arcs. (Well, okay, fandom's not all over Disassembled, but (1) it's Disassembled, and (2) that one wasn't even his fault.) But this was Tony's choice! We can make something out of that, right? (There is a bit of fic. Not a lot. And not, I think, anything really long.) You might think, perhaps, that the Iron Man run would address the fallout of Tony drinking.

The thing is that the Iron Man run at the time is Fraction's Invincible Iron Man. So, uh. To his credit, he does attempt to address how this loss of sobriety would make Tony feel and how it would affect the people around him. Including Steve! Unfortunately, his ideas about characterization are such that it happens like this:

Because Steve would absolutely respond to Tony's obvious distress by threatening to break his bones, right? Right? Absolutely an in-character thing for Steve to do! Good! Glad we all agree on that!

(Seriously, when I read this I was completely certain it had to be some kind of dream sequence and I turned the page expecting to see Tony wake up. It is not a dream sequence.)

Right. So after Fear Itself, Steve is Captain America and an Avenger again. By this point, Steve and Tony have figured out how be friends (or whatever the hell they are, I give up), and they put a new(er) team together and we get some adorable moments in which Tony calls the press and doesn’t tell Steve:

Seriously, if there is an exchange that better illustrates these two in modern canon when they're getting along than "You should have asked me first" / "You'd have said no, so why would I do that?" I don't know what it is. They pass the Broccoli Test for sure. (I think they alternate between passing the Broccoli Test with zero difficulty and causing the entire supermarket to explode. It's hard to tell.)

Then we head on into AvX, which is an event I did not bother to read because my impression from the panels I have seen is that it is about Steve Rogers and Scott Summers competing to see who can be the biggest asshole and I figured I'd skip it. The Avengers tie-ins are pretty decent, though.

I just have to give a shout out to the last arc of Avengers v4 because, though it is not going to make the slashy moments list, it is A+ on that old-school Avengers feel. Because, you see, Jan -- whom they all thought was dead -- has really been trapped in the Microverse, and the founding Avengers band together to rescue her. And when they find her, this happens:

She kisses Hank! She kisses all of them! She kisses Tony right on the faceplate! I love Jan!

Then they go fight a centaur wearing plate armor (the centaur, not them) (okay I guess technically Tony is wearing plate armor) and it is the very best COMICS.

And then they get home and everyone has a party for Jan and we have some more Steve and Tony bonding:

The run actually ends on them agreeing that the team needs to get bigger, which if you remember is where Hickman's run opens.

If v4 has a downside, for me, it's that it has too much Wonder Man, although I tend to believe that the ideal amount of Wonder Man is zero Wonder Man, so obviously your mileage may vary.

So, yeah, v4 is fun and slashy and it's only 34 issues plus a few annuals and so on. It's a quick read! Give it a try! And then someone can write me some post-Fear Itself fic about Tony drinking because for God's sake we can do better than canon.

[mkhunterz]

Okay, so story time.

It hit 100 degrees pretty early in the day here, and I am not about that shit, so I was living the Air Conditioning life, enjoying a nice sunday binge-watch, when all of a sudden all my power just...goes.  “Well, fuck,” I think, and go to check the circuit breaker.  But nope, it’s not my fuses.  It’s the whole goddamn power grid.  A few minutes later, I hear sirens outside.  Curious, I step out into the parking lot, only to immediately run back inside for some sandals because god DAMN that pavement is hot.  A small crowd gathers in the parking lot, because hooray, rubbernecking...

So it turns out that someone, somehow, drove into the transformer a few blocks down.  From our high vantage point in my apartment complex we can see the firetrucks and ambulances and police cars all gathered around.  But, even more interesting, is the drama unfolding just a block away from us, where some dude in a jeep rear-ended an ambulance that was on its way to help the person who hit the transformer.  Said jeep-dude was given a sobriety test...he did not pass.  So I watched him get handcuffed and put in the back of a squad car.  It was roughly 3pm.  #daydrinking

“Surely, MK,” you say, “that’s enough drama for one day.”  But no.  You are wrong.  Because while I stood there, sweating in the sweltering heat, chatting with neighbors about what was going on, I discovered something about those neighbors.  

They’re a bunch of racist-ass-motherfuckers.

How did I discover that? These middle-aged Pennsylvania crackers just...decided to out themselves.  Like it was no big thing.  “Oh, no, don’t talk to that black guy walking down the street who walked right past the accident and might have some information about what’s going on, no, we don’t want to ask him, no, he doesn’t look....NICE....don’t ask him.” “Oh, you grew up in Florida? I don’t like Florida, they have all those...FOREIGNERS...they don’t speak english.  Did you know they don’t have to speak english to pass their driver’s test in Florida? All those foreigners speaking spanish, it’s scary.”  

Like..........it’s not bad enough that we lost power because some drunk assholes decided to drive their truck into a transformer, but now I gotta stand out in the sweltering heat with a bunch of racist-trump-ass-voting-motherfuckers? 

HELL nah

[azlyrics85]

The life of Pete Doherty through 10 of his best lyrics

There’s not a whole lot about Pete Doherty that hasn’t been bastardised in a single shape or every other. certainly a controversial discern inside the rock ‘n’ roll scene of the ’00s, one thing that has always been pure approximately Doherty (no, now not that) is his entire immersion in his paintings, specifically the act of writing lyrics. underneath, we’ve picked out ten of our favourites as a reminder that underneath the tabloid headlines, there’s some serious expertise. AZlyrics

Doherty, the son of a army family, grew up inside the uk and Europe’s navy barracks. Floating around the grounds, Doherty discovered solace in the written word and soon commenced composing his personal poetry. At age eleven, he picked up a guitar, and the arena seemed to click on for the clearly charismatic Doherty. attaining 11 GCSE’s with seven at A* showcased that Doherty become a sincerely gifted child. but it might take him assembly his songwriting counterpart for his skills to be surely unearthed.  assembly Carl Barat is absolutely the moment that Doherty’s adventure to stardom commenced. starting off The Libertines in 1997, the band cultivated a guerilla following that only reached mainstream interest with the band’s launch of their 2002 debut, Up The Bracket. regrettably, it become right here that matters started out to awry for the musician as his escalating drug habit had begun to cause rifts within the organization and, particularly, Barat himself. In 2003, Doherty changed into jailed for burgling Barat’s flat; it might begin the chain of activities that could see Doherty yo-yo within the organization alongside swirling heroin and crack dependancy. It marked a unhappy time in British rock music. Doherty turned into in large part championed as one of the greatest songwriters Britain had produced in a generation. not due to the fact Oasis had a band amassed up this type of cultural impact in any such brief time. As Noel Gallagher as soon as placed it: “If Oasis changed into the sound of the council property making a song its coronary heart out, The Libertines had been the tramps behind the dumpster.” The Libertines formally break up after their 2d self-titled album, and Doherty sought pastures new, turning his romantic poetical stylings to a band of his personal, Babyshambles. The organization, nonetheless plagued through Doherty’s drug addiction and now his non-stop positioning inside the tabloid press, as a result of his relationship with twiglet Kate Moss, struggled to in shape the depth of The Libertines upward push to reputation but nonetheless delivered a few classic songs to boot. happily, unlike many others, this story has a satisfied finishing. Doherty quickly found sobriety, in some shape or every other, and has moved to the seaside with his antique buddy Carl Barat. as well as enacting their very own desires of Albion, the duo also got the vintage band returned together and have been relentlessly visiting pre-COVID. The duo even have an idyllic bed and breakfast in Margate called The Albion Rooms, that's a ought to for any fan. That’s all well and appropriate, however the iconic figure of Pete Doherty will always loom largest in his songs. thru his lyrics, Doherty became the archetypal starry-eyed poet, the romantic trapped in a rock celebrity shell, and he converted the British rock scene along with his style. underneath, we’ve got the evidence. Pete Doherty’s 10 satisfactory lyrics: ‘music when The lighting fixtures go out’ “Is it merciless or kind no longer to speak my mind and to misinform you rather than hurt you?” whilst you think about a top notch Pete Doherty lyric, this is likely the primary place you’ll land, so it feels only proper that it must be the first on our list too. A touching refrain built within one of the band’s greater lilting numbers, ‘music when The lighting fixtures exit’ is ready as ordinary a Doherty music as you will locate. Wrapped up in romance and delicately poised for chaos, the song sounds like the type of diatribe one would imagine Lord Byron to have coughed up between bouts of syphilis. It’s a moment at the Libertines LP that stands out for its allure and one track that usually begs for a sing-a-lengthy at live shows. ‘Hooray for the twenty first Century’ “What became of the running elegance?/ Nike Air, Reebok, Adidas/ Scratch playing cards, Pitbulls, ecstasy/ Hooray for the 21st Century” one of the lesser travelled songs from The Libertines lower back catalogue, ‘Hooray For The 21st Century’, is speedy, livid and ferocious in same measure. A scathing indictment of the brand new century and its commercialisation, it once again sees Doherty reminiscent of the past for his emotional grounding and lamenting the future unfurling in the front of him. powerful and specific in its punk delivery, the song is a high-quality second at any Libs stay show due to the fact they hardly ever play it. however, after they do, assume a positive section of diehard fans to lose their cool. It’s a tune that captures Doherty at his incendiary quality. AZlyrics ‘the man Who might Be King’ “I lived my dream today/ I lived it yesterday/ and that i’ll be living yours tomorrow/ Don’t have a look at me that manner” There’s absolute confidence that by the time The Libertines launched their debut album in 2002, rock ‘n’ roll had modified. The Strokes had carved a really perfect storage rock gap for The Libs to fit into neatly, and that they didn’t disappoint, turning into Britain’s answer to the rock revolution. whilst the debut LP is rich with punkified skiffle moments, the follow-up became tons extra numerous and centered at the fame that surrounded them. ‘the person Who might Be King’ is one of the most vitriolic tracks on the report. stimulated by the 1975 movie of the equal call, it sees Doherty and Barat offer up their critiques for the proposed King, “i'd say only one issue: lie, lie, lie, lie, lie”. but the most blistering moment comes within the chorus as Doherty holds a replicate as much as all of these those who looked down on him as a penniless poet and roaming rock famous person. ‘You’re My Waterloo’ “You’ll never fumigate the demons/ regardless of how an awful lot you smoke/ So simply say you like me/ For three precise reasons/ and that i’ll throw you the rope” certainly one of the earlier songs inside the Libertines back catalogue, the tune remained one among their untested demos earlier than they in the end brought a new edition of ‘You’re My Waterloo’ to the band’s modern-day release, 2015’s Anthems for Doomed youth. It’s becoming that the track should land on such a named album, as it is so intrinsically linked to Doherty’s personal youth. continuously shifting and in no way settling down, Doherty struggled to make significant connections early on in his lifestyles; it’s a part of why his and Barat’s relationship turned into so connected to their survival. right here, Doherty uses his own emotions of alienation and casts it via the paradigm of an old piano ballad, the kind you may expect to listen a forlorn lover singing after final time with a gin in hand. It’s a motif that Doherty observed appealing and used all through his career — the crumbling British Empire put through the wringer as a romantic ceremony. ‘Can’t Stand Me Now’ “Cornered the boy kicked out at the sector / the world kicked returned loads fuckin’ tougher now” any other song from The Libertines, there’s little or no to say approximately ‘Can’t Stand Me Now’ that hasn’t already been stated or that the band don’t say of their lyrics. one of the greater specific comeback songs you’ll ever come across, Barat and Doherty element notably the plight in their friendship, with Barat making a song “light arms thru the dark, shattered a lamp and a darkness it cast,” as an instantaneous connection with Doherty’s jail time. equally, Doherty returns fire with “No, you’ve were given it the wrong manner round/ you close up me up and blamed it at the brown,” hinting at Barat’s zero tolerance for Doherty’s antics. however following this line, Doherty furnished lyrics that no longer best showcases his nation of thoughts at the time but exactly why The Libertines discovered an audience: “Cornered the boy, kicked out at the world/ the sector kicked again lots fuckin’ tougher now.” This was why a era connected with Doherty, he became risky and gifted, of route, but he became also achievable and fallible — he was an everyman. ‘Fuck forever’ “So what’s the use among dying and glory/ i will’t inform between dying and glory/ New Labour and Tory/ Purgatory and glad families” With Babyshambles, Doherty had a modern-day path to take. He was not fighting with Barat for lyric area like a 21st century Lennon-McCartney. Now, the singer had unfastened rein to enact his own sound and his own vision. One track that possibly typifies that feeling is ‘Fuck for all time’, which featured on Babysdhambles’ record Down in Albion. by no means one to turn down a combat, Doherty began to politicise his paintings and once again shine a mild on the operating elegance who, in his opinion, have been being royally shafted. but, while our favorite lyrics are far extra widespread, the track’s basis became a wreck-up. The music become an immediate attack on Barat and the affection that changed into now misplaced between them. AZlyrics ‘What A Waster’ “She wakes up within the morning, and writes down all her dreams/ reads like the e book of revelations, or the Beano or the unabridged Ulysses” An avid reader himself, there’s some gravitas to his words on ‘What A Waster’ that may in any other case be misplaced. add to that the extra authenticity Doherty brings to the concept of what a ‘waster’ clearly is, and this track takes on a new stage of realness for the listener. Doherty will become our narrator for this track as he info the trials and tribulations of his lover, singing, “in which does all of the cash move? immediately up her nostril.” soaking wet in punk rhythm and a refusal to slow down, the music is a rebel while performed stay. What possibly lands most poignantly of all is the fact that the song acts as a self-pleasant prophecy. Doherty become poised to be the saviour of British rock track however threw it all away fro narcotics. although, this self-flagellating masterclass remains one of the band’s first-class songs. ‘Time For Heroes’ “we can die in the magnificence we were born, but that’s a category of our very own my love.” Famously inspired by means of the instant Pete Doherty became cracked on the pinnacle by way of rebel police for checking his hair inside the mirrored image of their rebellion shield for the duration of the 2001 might also Day protests, ‘Time For Heroes’ turned into constantly probable to be entrenched in magnificence war. “Did you see the fashionable youngsters within the rebellion? Shovelled up like muck and set the night time on fireplace” sings Doherty with gusto. while the upper class controls the establishment, one aspect the working magnificence has constantly had below its spell is song. It seems only fitting that Doherty have to choose the savage song to make his emotions clear. the whole thing that makes a incredible Libertines track is here. There’s romance, violence and misaligned patriotism all of which makes this tune feel like a William Turner painting being enacted in front of our eyes. The lyric above first-rate encapsulates all of these feelings into one of the maximum sincere lyrics Doherty has ever written. ‘the coolest antique Days’ “if you’ve lost your religion in love and song then the quit gained’t be long” Few lyrics speak as virtually for Doherty’s individual and eventual downfall than the lovely ‘the good vintage Days’. another second in which Barat and Doherty are glad to appearance backwards for their visions of the future, the band sing their hearts out with the permeating idea that once they stop the choral renditions their lives will come to an end. while it is able to appear the type of aspect you’d anticipate scrawled at the lower back of adlescent diaries, there’s a certain grandness to the lyric that still feels actual. even as Doherty and Barat have been satisfied to location themselves at the bottom of London’s underbelly, they had been capable of provide grandiose moments of reflection, too, strong within the knowledge that they’d stand through the sentiment if wishes be. always placing song and art at the leading edge of everything he did, Doherty lived out this lyric time and time again. ‘Albion’ “Down in Albion/ They’re black and blue/ however we don’t talk approximately that/ Are you from ’round here?/ How do you do?/ I’d like to talk about that” whilst the traditional line of “gin in teacups and leave son the lawn” is the lyric without end quoted from this 2006 tune from Babyshambles album Down in Albion, the tune’s commencing strains say a long way greater than that. They provide up a crystalline vision of britain, or Albion, as Doherty refers to it. no longer handiest noting the continuous fistfights that appear to clutter our streets, nor just the stiff upper lip that stops us from talking approximately it but also the want for exchange. missing any robust narrative to the music, Doherty instead offers modern-day Britain vignettes, and it’s a harsh reflection. soaking wet in violence and a refusal to connect, Britain has spent a lot of its glory years as a prisoner of itself, by no means definitely unfurling and evolving. The singer notes that dying and instead attempts to conjure up a brand new land, a new Albion, wherein the beyond is well known, and the destiny welcomed. AZlyrics