#john mulaney lock screen

[greenhappyseed]

MHA Ch.379 leak reactions:

Rock Lock! Hmm, I thought his quirk would do something about the portals, but now I’m thinking Hori is making a point of having many heroes (especially side characters) having the biggest impact WITHOUT their quirks.

AFO’s anger at Nagant gives Shigaraki an opening to emerge out of AFO, shedding AFO like a skin. I really like that Shigaraki got one over on AFO, keeping a hold on “himself” and his “origin” to assert his autonomy. It’s not just Deku rescuing him, it’s him trying his best to help himself.

[John Mulaney voice] Now we don’t have time to unpack that origin! But we need to, because Shigaraki still wants to destroy “everything to do with” the house that denied him, even though the house and all the people in it are long gone. He says his heart won’t surrender, just like how Nagant and Gentle didn’t surrender? Meaning how they…became the heroes they always wanted to be??? I’m very curious to see the official English translation on these lines!

Deku won’t let Shigaraki destroy “everything”, but also won’t ignore the crying Tenko so HE REMOVES SHIGARAKI FROM THE “COFFIN” AND LETS HIM TOUCH THE GROUND!!!! Emerging from the crypt! Back from the dead! Reborn!

We keep hearing how Erasure is not working but we didn’t see Monoma close his eyes. And in any event, either he or Aizawa could escape the Twices. Then again, keeping with the theme of heroes not necessarily using their quirks to win, Monoma and Aizawa could pop up with a different way to help Deku, Katsuki, or Shigaraki.

Kurogiri glitches as AFO orders a portal like it’s an Uber. Kurogiri wants to “protect Shigaraki” but also Shirakumo emerges to say a few words. I LOVE Shigaraki and Shirakumo both emerging from AFO’s distortions at the same time. I can’t imagine AFO will react to this well. Plus we’re assuming nobody will explode….

I like Gentle and Mirio both being confused by Deku. They love this kid, they’re inspired by him, but they also think he’s got a screw loose. Oooh, and they both played a key role in the School Festival arc, so it’s cool they’re sharing some screen time.

[lord-angelfish]

the game is to post a screenshot of your current lock screen, a screenshot of the last song you listened to (or your current song), and the last celebrity pic you have in your phone.

got tagged by @gay-destiel (here), @cordellwinchesterwalker (here), and @yennneferofrivia (here)! Thank you guys, this is so fun <3

Celebrity: John Mulaney, because I was Very much feeling this quote.

Lockscreen: an edit I made for myself

Last song listened to: this one, but tbh idr it, i took my earbuds out and stopped listening lol

No pressure tagging @mochachilled, @archangelsammy, @tedthetalk, @mansplainmanipulatemalewife, @whoopsitswhump, @curlsofsagesmoke, @aayo-whatt, @herefortears, and anyone else who wants to join!

[mycatsaidwhat]

things i’ve heard college students say pt. 23

-i think we collectively as a people need to remember that Shawn Mendes was a magcon viner

-Post Nut Clarity: Did I really ask for their number through a school email? 

-i was on Brent Rivera’s instagram for two seconds and was like I have to be this guy for halloween 

-what if she’s a 6 but bought you a PS5

-what was that sickness you had last semester?

Alcoholism?

-my toxic trait is i started liking Riptide again 

-So now that I have 2k Yakarma, can I get my virginity back?

-Thats’ what Nancy “Throat Goat” Reagan wanted

-That Riverdale actor accused of murder, John Mulaney getting divorced, they’re making a Barbie movie, when have I ever come to you with good news? 

-we’re in prison as long as we’re away from good drugs 

-you’re in the shower jerking off to your crush, I’m in the shower jerking off to how a $10 increase in depreciation flows through the 3 financial statements, we are not the same 

-you’re my best friend because you gave me details about his lock screen photo 

-this is all so 1984core

-i would sell my soul for a hot stable boy moment 

-i think I’m ace but then I see Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day and I’m like dammit 

[suckitsurveys]

How many pieces of gum have you chewed today? Zero, I rarely chew gum.

Any big events coming up? I have a meeting I’m running at work on Wednesday which is pretty big and I’m gunna probably throw up during it. But then I have a concert on Thursday (S Club hahahahah) and then Sunday we are leaving for the Dells for a couple days.

Do you know anyone who is paralyzed? Yes.

What did you do last night? I started packing for the trip I just mentioned because I am That Person. Then I watched John Mulaney’s special New In Town. Then I got a buncha lunch stuff ready for work for the week.

By doing that, what time did you go to bed? Like 11 maybe.

And what time did you wake up this morning? 4:45am.

Have you been debating anything recently? Well yeah now I am debating on even getting tickets the Vampire Weekend show in July because I thought the plan was always that my friend was going to come to Chicago to see it with me but it happens to be on the same weekend she has a camping trip planned and I don’t know anyone else who would go with me.

Who was the last person to text you? My husband.

Are there icicles on the sides of your house? Not right now.

Do you get intimidated easily? Little bit, yeah.

Does anything on your body hurt currently? My back, always. I need someone to dig their elbows into me.

Are you often trying to escape the inevitable? Blah.

What were the first words you said today? Something to my cat because she was SCREAMING at me this morning.

Which lyric is your favorite from the song you are listening to? I’m not listening to anything.

Does it hold any memories? --

Why did you last cry? Tik Toks.

Did someone see you crying? My husband.

Do you crack your knuckles? Yeah.

Is it really going to give you arthritis? Probably oh well.

Are you excited for the new year? It just started.

List three things you are excited for in ‘09? Oh good LORD I don’t need to be reminded of myself in 09.

What is the wallpaper on your cellphone? Lock screen is a signed polaroid of Michael Longfellow from SNL and my home screen is just purple hearts.

Where is your best friend right now? Two are definitely asleep and two are at home.

Can you count to 100 in any other language? Spanish.

Do you headbang often? Nope.

Magenta or orchid? Magenta.

Are you a fan of Rob Zombie? Eh.

Last two songs you listened to? The two new Vampire Weekend singles, Gen X Cops and Capricorn.

Are there any shoes you are really wanting? Yes I need a pair of every day sneakers so bad and I keep going back and forth over these pairs of slip on Converse.

Describe what you are wearing? Jeans and a red shirt and a purple pull over hoodie.

Look out the window - what do you see? The building next to ours.

Television or computer? Both.

Germany or France? France.

Hawthorne Heights or She Wants Revenge? HH I guess.

Is your skin sensitive? Yes.

Are you sensitive in general? Sure.

Who last left you a note? I don’t know.

Have you ever made a gingerbread house? Yup.

Who did you last get in a fight with? It’s been a bit since that happened.

Are things resolved between the two of you now? ---

Did you have any weird dreams last night? Not that I know of.

Tell me one thing you remember from it? ---

Lets have some lyrics to end this, yeah? Don’t think I’ve left you all behind I still love you and Tennessee, You’re always on my mind And mama, every Saturday, I can hear your Southern drawl A thousand miles away

[johnmulaneyscreen]

hello fans of john. i have returned from the void to say that this less gorgeous kid did in fact see “from scratch” yesterday.

and holy shit.

anyways very full circle and all that. cheers.

[reblog-house]

I restore my life force by reading good fanfics or fanfics that are so bad they're good.

[lgbtqa-aesthetics]

Non-binary & John Mulaney quotes for anon

[jaxxie101]

Baby Fever

Authors Note: this is my first fanfic so please be nice and its like 2 am. 

Warnings: allusions to sex, pregnancy, fluff 

Pairings: Colin Jost x reader and Nick Kroll x John Mulaney 

You and Michael did not hold back your laugh as Cecily “Judge Jeanine Pirro” poured her drink all over Colin. I DID IT MY WAYYY! Cecily belted out as she submerged herself into the box of wine. Ladies and gentlemen Judge Jeanine Pirro! Colin announced laughing despite being drenched. This has been weekend update everyone I’m Y/F/N Jost, I’m Michael Che, and I’m Colin Jost goodnight! The three of you signed off. Weekend update was normally the only sketch you were in so you were basically done for the night, and you couldn’t wait to get out of this suit top. You dashed to your office and quickly changed into red blouse. Its the season finale and you want to look nice for the afterparty. Y/N!! You were sitting in your dressing room when you heard Colin call your name. Yeah babe? You turned around and saw him in his weekend update jeans and soaked suit top. Colin grinned wickedly and started walking to you. You quickly caught onto what he was doing. Colin no! you tried to run. He wrapped his arms around you and picked you up. Colin! you yelped. You’re soaked! You tried to yell at him in between your giggles. He spun around and then sat you down. Colin! You got me all wet. Really!? He exclaimed. Well what should I do about that? He whispered next to your ear, voice low. He spun you around so he was pressed against your back. You began to feel heat between your legs. He unbuttoned your jeans and slid his hand down. HAPPY SEASON FIN-. You and Colin Jumped apart. You frantically buttoned your jeans. Well, Well, Well, What do we have here. Nick smirked. John looked at Colin’s current drenched state and laughed. Happy season finale, next time we’ll knock. John handed you a small bouquet of Red Lilly’s. You thanked John and hugged him. Well I should better go to my office and change and I will bring you a different shirt to change into babe. Colin told you as he stepped out of the office. Hey it really was a great show F/N. Nick complimented. Your Phone dinged from beside John on your desk. Hey John will you get that? You asked. Trying to find a spot to put the flowers. He nodded his head yes. Hey Nick sweetie how about you go try and find Y/N something to put those flowers in. John asked him. Yeah sure. Nick agreed and walked out of the office. F/N! John whisper yelled. Uh John! You whisper yelled back. Are you!? Why didn’t you tell me!? Does Colin know!? John rambled on with questions. John honey slow down what are you talking about? You asked. John handed you your phone. On your lock screen was an alert from your period tracking calendar. “You are two weeks late”. Oh no. You muttered. Oh no? its an oh no situation. John asked as he went into best friend support mode. I-i’m not sure what it is yet. You stuttered. Colin and I are always so busy we haven’t ever talked about kids. You told him. Well do you want a kid? he asked. Kids and teenagers are one thing but a baby. You thought out loud. Well before anything we need to get you a pregnancy test. He said right before the door to your office opened and Colin walked in. He had changed into a light blue sweater and put on his glasses (the ones in GIF). Here you can change into this. Colin grinned as he handed you a t-shirt that said “I heart Staten Island”. You couldn’t help but smile as you changed from your damp purple stained blouse into Colin’s shirt. I found a vase! Nick announced proudly as he walked into the room. Why is it every time I walk in F/N is removing a piece of clothing. Nick snarked. John gasped, donning his “surprised pikachu face”. Nick that’s Lorne’s mug! Well he should have hired me. Nick smirked. Hey its almost midnight we should head out to the floor. Colin said walking to the door. Actually I don’t feel well Honey why don’t you, John, and Nick go. I think I am going to head home. You mumbled. Are you sick? Do you need me to drive you home? Do you need me to get you anything? Colin started questioning, a concerned look on his face. It really was so sweet. I just have a bit of an upset stomach, but you stay and go to the afterparty. It’s the season finale you can spend the rest of the summer with me. You told him. I don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone if you don’t feel well. Colin worried. How about I take F/N home. John offered. I don’t mind missing the afterparty everyone will be drinking a lot and ya know. John said. Are you sure you don’t want me to come straight home. Colin asked. I’m positive, if you missed out on the last afterparty of the season because I have a stomach ace I would feel worse. Besides I will have John to keep me company. You assured him then, gave him a kiss and left with John. You both got into John and Nicks blue sedan. Alright first stop the drugstore. You told John. Yep, John agreed. How are we going to go unrecognized? You wondered out loud. Uh I should have a cap and some sunglasses. Maybe tuck your hair in the hat and put the shads on. He suggested. Sounds good. You agreed, as you put on your disguise. How do I look? You asked. Hmmm. It’s missing something. He said. reaching into his pocket. It’s missing wha-. You started before John attacked your face with a sharpie. AH! John stop. You screamed. There you go a nice mustache. He laughed, leaning back admiring his work. I hate you. You rolled your eyes and got out. You love me and you know it! He shouted, smiling. You were able to get in and out of the drug store with no more than a few odd looks. No doubt because of the black scribbles above your lip and on your nose.Okay I got them. You said as you practically dove into the car. John pulled out and started to drive to yours and Colin’s house. Your mind started to wander. For so long you had pushed the thought of babies out of your mind. Thinking you were too busy and babies were too much of a hassle. The last thing you needed to do was start thinking about babies and get baby fever. But you can’t help but think about Colin holding a baby. You and Collin giving the baby bubble baths, swaddeling it in a blanket, feeding him, burping him, telling the baby story’s, the baby cooing, Colin would be such a terrific dad. Oh no the baby fever has kicked in. John. You murmured. Yes? He gave you his attention. I want a baby. You whispered. Well In a few minutes you’ll find out if your wish is coming true. He said as he pulled into the driveway. You both jumped out of the car and ran inside. You decided to take 4 test to be sure. You sat the sticks on the sink and ran out of the bathroom. Are you pregnant!? John practically yelled. I don’t know it will take them a few minutes to determine if its positive or negative. You walked back into the bathroom and looked down at all 4 positive tests. YESSS! You cheered! You ran out of the bathroom. I’m pregnant! You cheered. Yay! I’m gonna be an uncle! The both of you started to celebrate. How and when are you going to tell Colin? John asked. Tomorrow and I know exactly how I am going to tell him.

                                      The Next Day

Babe I have a surprise for you. You told Colin, handing him a gift bag. Really? What for? He asked. Not that i’m complaining. He joked as he reached inside and pulled out a onesie that said “ I love Staten Island”. I-i don’t understand? He stuttered looking at you. look inside it. You told him, trying to contain your excitement. He reached in and pulled out one of the positive pregnancy tests. His mouth gaped open and he gasped. You’re? he started. You nodded your head. He grinned bigger than you had ever seen him. We’re gonna have a baby!? he asked. You nodded your head. WE”RE HAVING A BABY! Colin cheered. He ran over to you, picked you up, and spun you around. He carried you bridal style to the coach and peppered your face in kisses. Well that was a positive reaction. You smiled. Well that was a positive test. He smirked. 

[prettytoxicrevolver]

Movie Night | Mark Fischbach

Requested? Nah bb 

Warnings? Nah

Summary: You and your best friend Mark have a movie night with a side of confessing your feelings 

Word Count: 1,128

“(y/n)! hurry up!” Mark calls and you roll your eyes. 

“I’m going!” you call as the popcorn slows to a stop and the microwave beeps loudly. 

You pull out the tan bag and place it on the counter before reaching for a bowl. You open up the bag of popcorn and dump the contents in the bowl before sprinkling salt all over and finally heading into the living room. 

Mark is perched on the couch, blankets spread around him, and the lights off except for the lamp in the corner. You fall down next to him and he instantly reaches his hand into the popcorn and takes a chunk out to eat. 

“Hey! Back off my popcorn,” you joke, and Mark pouts at you. 

You roll your eyes once more before settling into the couch. Mark throws his blanket over your legs and you snuggle in next to him. He hits play on the comedy special, John Mulaney, and you’re in for the night. 

You and Mark tried to do this as often as possible. While you both loved going out, running errands together, going out to eat, taking drives, a night in was your guilty pleasure. Making popcorn, watching movies, and shared tv shows, laughing and talking until it was way into the night. 

It was a way to wind down, after the errands you could relax and watch something together. It reminded you of the times you spent with your dad. You’d come downstairs around 10 and you’d sit on opposite couches, watching movies, drinking coffee, and talking about whatever. You loved those memories with your dad. 

It also reminded you of the first time you met Mark. You were at the movies with your friends, they forced you to watch a horror flick, and you weren’t super excited. You hated them to be honest, so you snuck out of the theater and went to wander around for a second. 

As you wandered, you stopped to read through a movie poster when Mark came up next to you. 

“It’s a good movie,” he says and you look over at him. “really goes on about space and the existentialism of it all.” 

“It’s a superhero movie,” you state with a growing smile on your lips. 

“Yeah exactly,” he says and then bursts into laughter. 

“Okay I haven’t seen it,” he says and you laugh along with him. “I just wanted an excuse to talk to you.” 

You looked him over and was taken aback by how cute he was. Clad in camo green button-down with flowers, black jeans, and sneakers, you couldn’t help but appreciate his style and how good he looked in it. 

“I’m Mark,” he introduces and holds a hand out to you. 

You shake his hand thinking it’s extremely formal for someone your age but like it anyway. 

“I’m (y/n). What brings you to the movies but not watching one?” you ask and he shrugs. 

“My friends dragged me to a horror movie and I hate them so I left.” 

“Wait are you with the guys screaming at The Boy? Y’all are worse than my friends,” you say giggling at the man in front of you being scared of a haunted doll in a movie. 

“Your friends are the ones cracking jokes the entire time? Jeez maybe we’re definitely better out here,” he says and you smile and nod. 

“For sure.” 

You and Mark spent the rest of the movie time sitting outside talking. You got to know each other before both your friend groups interrupted, pulling you away from each other but not before exchanging phone numbers. Which you would never hear the end of from your friends. 

Now here you were, four years later, and best friends with Mark and a secret crush that had never seemed to go away since the day you met him. You even ended up quarantining together, deciding you didn’t want to be alone during the months of isolation due to the virus. 

Halfway through the comedy special, the popcorn is gone and sitting on the nightstand next to you. You extend the legs on the recliner and snuggle into the seat, content to relax to the point you’re nearly falling asleep. 

When Mark sees you do this, he turns and lays down, resting his head in your lap. One hand rests on his chest while the other falls next to you and you try to focus on the tv instead of the thundering of your heart. 

Thankfully, one of your favorite jokes is told and you’re able to focus and laugh loudly as the comedian on-screen continues, running back and forth on stage making you cackle in the small room. What you don’t notice is Mark staring at you adoringly. 

“You’re really cute when you laugh you know that right?” he asks and you look down at him to see he’s being a thousand percent serious. 

You smile fondly at him and move your hands from his chest to his hair and slowly run your hands through his brown locks. He had grown it out during quarantine and it honestly made him a million times more attractive. 

You perform the action absentmindedly, your mind stuck on the random compliment and trying to get your hands to stop shaking. 

“Ow!” Mark exclaims when you hit a knot in his hair. 

You carefully work your fingers through the knot and proceed with your actions again but get caught on another knot in his hair making him whine. 

“If you brushed your hair out every day this wouldn’t happen,” you say paying attention to the knot until it’s out completely. 

“That’s too much work and besides if I have you you can just do this all day,” he says and you roll your eyes. 

“Have you seen my hair? You don’t see me complaining when I brush it out.” 

“Yeah yeah,” he responds and you smile down at him. 

It’s quiet except for the tv playing in the back as you and Mark stare at each other for a moment. Your hands push through his hair slowly, and you try to focus on the action instead of his intense look. 

Suddenly, Mark sits up and you give him a confused look. He reaches a hand up and places it on your cheek, pulling you in for a quick kiss. Your heart pounds against your chest as he deepens the kiss and you're moving your hands from his hair to his cheeks and he pulls you down to him. 

When you break apart, Mark smiles widely before pressing another kiss to your lips. At this point, you’re laying down next to him and he wraps his arm around your waist and you rest your head on his chest. 

[wrote-my-own-deliverance]

agents of shield as things me and my friends have said/done

deke: *sitting in a backseat with a bucket on his head yelling into a megaphone* WERE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEE

may: ok so like that john mulaney bit but i’m john mulaney and my boss is delta airlines... “why are you doing this to me???” “bEcAuSe WeRe DeLtA aIrLiNeS aNd LiFe Is A fUcKiNg NiGhMaRe”

piper: *shaving a slit in her eyebrow* i look like a lesbian right?? like will my girlfriend know i’m gay?

daisy: *driving down the middle of the street with her foot hanging out the window*

fitz: look i made one GIANT kazoo by connecting OTHER kazoos....*starts playing Sweet Home Alabama*...wait fuck how does it go-

sousa: *screaming at car radio* JUST WORK P L E A S E

simmons: hey so i can’t go to practice...yeah i cut my finger and i can see bone...yeah it’ll probably have to have stitches-

mack: *driving past a chunk of engine in the street* ...well that’s black friday for ya

coulson: *stacking hamburger buns on the roof of a car* this will teach you not to mess with my baby

yo-yo: THE INTERSTATE IS BUILT FOR SPEED *floors it over a hundred*

lance: on a scale from one to ten how dumb are you...mine is locking myself in the fuCKING CATTLE TRAILER-

bobby: if you don’t open that door RIGHT NOW i will crawl out the window! ITS YOUR WINDOW SCREEN AT STAKE HERE

ward: *singing* i have crust in my eyes, i have crust in my soul-

[louisapennyfeather2021]

Imagine this:

Runaway Baby by Bruno Mars starts playing in the background, but only the instrumental. No words yet.

A woman is being escorted to her cell in a prison. Her face is bored and her hair is cut close to her chin, oddly curled and fancy for being in prison. She's only been behind bars for a few days for a crime she committed and was finally caught for. She takes a seat on her bed in her cell as her guards lock her cell. She sits patiently, almost annoyed with something. Her role is played by Elizabeth Banks.

A quiet, seemingly normal man in a prison guard uniform is walking through the hallways, at ease in his environment. He discreetly and successfully pickpockets guards. He gets keys, some cash, a half eaten granola bar. He saunters through the prison hallways to the security room where he quickly takes over the next shift of watch. He starts manipulating the cameras and locks. His role is played by John Mulaney

A man loiters discreetly outside the prison until he hears a code word. He then begins to sneak through the compound, quick changing into an inmate uniform. He gets inside and makes his was for the woman's cell. He's going to break her out once he gets in position. His role is played by Ryan Reynolds.

Meanwhile, this all can't be happening without a distraction. A woman makes a huge, dramatic scene at the check in to the prison. She claims to be looking for her imprisoned husband, but is denied entrance. She feigns fainting and begins to comedically threaten the guards while putting on the performance of her life. Her display gets the necessary attention and sets the plan in motion. Her role is played by Melissa McCarthy.

Now someone has to be coaching them all through this to save the first woman. Someone speaking through their discreet ear pieces from a dark van near the planned exit. He sits in his chair in the van, watching every camera and queuing every action. When to jump, when to hide, when the timing is perfect. He's anxious and acting like a mother hen the entire time, but in such way that can only be funny. His role is played by Kevin Hart.

Now how will they escape? Simple. Careless getaway driver who should definitely NOT have a license. He sits in the driver's seat of the van with a toothpick between his teeth, but he keeps messing with the radio to play random songs from 80's rock to late 2000's pop. He gets yelled at a lot by the tech guy in the back of the van for being so loud. His role is played by Jim Carrey.

The first woman waits patiently, still annoyed because she knows her rescue team will be there soon. Suddenly, her cell is open. Ryan Reynold's character stands in the doorway with an arrogant smirk on his face. They begin their escape.

John Mulaney's character discreetly leaves the control room and takes his time to reach the van. He does so easily and lounges in the back as Kevin Hart's character starts yelling through the ear pieces.

Melissa McCarthy's character is given the go ahead to wrap up her act and she quickly makes up a story to get out of there and hurries to the van. She sits in the chair behind the driver's seat and waits anxiously for their partners.

But the escape doesn't go perfectly to plan.

As they're escaping, guards start after Ryan and Elizabeth's characters. They both successfully reach the van. As soon as they're in the back doors, Jim Carrey's character is speeding off.

Runaway Baby starts blasting, full volume with instrumental and lyrics as the van weaves through traffic with police cars, helicopters, etc following. Kevin is panicking. Melissa is freaking out. John is silently playing a crossword puzzle. Elizabeth is yelling at Ryan. Ryan is yelling back.

A record scratches and the scene pauses with the van launching over a guard rail to a highway.

Elizabeth's voice sounds over the freeze frame.

"Yep, that's me. In the orange with the great hair. Don't ask me why it's so nice and why I look so freaking hot as we fall to our death. I'm a girl in an comedic action film, the producers had to do something to get an audience. And you're probably wondering how I got here with this crew, flying into afternoon traffic. Not to be cliche, but I really can't answer that without the back story. I mean I could, but that's not what the script says. So let's start at the beginning..."

And the screen pans to Elizabeth's beginning.

The story begins to show a short, somewhat good introduction of how the band of comedic criminals came to be until they get back to the freeze frame.

Elizabeth's voice returns to the freeze frame.

"Now that's the backstory and here we are again. Now it's time for the really fun stuff."

And the van unfreezes. The story begins again. Runaway Baby blasts with half the characters screaming, police sirens wailing, and car horns beeping.

***

I've been after this kind of movie for forever and I love the idea.

[ragequilt]

sometimes people tag you in things and they are Wrong. SOMETIMES @ongreenergrasses tags you and says it is good and important to talk about women and you know what. they’re just right. all the time

anyway i was tagged to post 10 favorite female characters from 10 different fandoms (hoo boy that’s gonna be a challenge) so !!!

1. hermione granger - the fandom that shall not be mentioned because look. the source material and the author are garbage, really, but at this point i’ve been in or tangential to this fandom since i was like. 12? probably? and she’s grown legs that have little to do with the source material. (but also -- know-it-all? hard to like? please it’s me, i read dramione fic just to feel emotions for mySELF, i love her so much)

2. darcy lewis - the fandom of which i personally will not speak, because they found-family baited me and turned it into a war instead. last year ashley made me watch the first cap movie and got me onto the bucky barnes love train, which coincidentally had a leg of the journey on the darcy lewis love train? it was an odd (wonderful), interesting time. i love the way that she gets written about (i have not seen the first thor and you will not make me sorry) -- darcy has so much of a character that may be wholecloth fanon but it is one that I LOVE. it is a lot of stiles-style voice in a superhero universe in kat denning’s body and i just. feel so much joy when i get to read her. (seriously, you won’t catch me watching thor 1) (peggy i love you too but i simply cannot paste myself onto you in the same way, i’m so sorry sweetie)

3. SOPHIE HATTER FROM HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE. is hmc a fandom? we don’t know. do we care? also no. sophie is the character that first got me on board with the idea that it’s... idk, okay to be old? it sounds terrible to say it (and in the face of the fact that she’s young-but-grey by the end of it, who knows what that means) but she was old and she was HAPPIER for it and i think that her story is so much about... making or finding your own joy? something out of her control happened to her and she decided that she was done making fucking hats and went to be her own self (and then ended up with... all that. sorry sophie but also i’m happy for you)

4. allura - vld. allura, honey. i’m so sorry for all those things that s8 thinks it made happen to you. fuck that we write our own story, s8 who? but seriously allura is... so underrated and under-looked at, i think, outside of lotura and allurance, which is a crime. i mean, consider a) what she was going through up until she ended up in stasis and b) the world that she came out of stasis into!! in the first season alone she has to sacrifice what is functionally her father’s living memory just to save herself and the others and i just. allura has SO much strength and yet she has so much brightness and joy in her. allura is their leader as the princess and then she transitions so smoothly into the blue lion and she is SO happy to be there and i just. i just want her to have a chance outside of wartime. everyone deserves that, but allura especially to me.

5. nani from lilo and stitch. is there a fandom for this? i still don’t care. regardless, nani is an on-screen equivalent of what SO much of my teenage / young adult years were (and my siblings have two living parents!!) and i just find her so relatable. she’s trying so hard but she’s not infallible. she’s just a kid, too.

6. gideon the ninth from the locked tomb series. gideon, you are so dumb and i love you so much (john mulaney voice). how am i supposed to put into words the way i felt reading the first book through her pov? just a genuine delight ok (please go read these books)

7. uraraka ochako from bnha. i did not expect to like ochako when i started this series. (i didn’t expect to like anyone except for bk, honestly, and then i saw mina’s perfect pink everything, but that is neither here nor there) but what she means to me is... i was afraid i was going to witness the sakura experience all over again? i think i got sold on her when she first admitted why she wanted to be a hero... she is so earnest but so much more stubborn than she gets credit for, a lot of times, and every time i see her i just smile. (honorary mentions for tsu and mina because seriously, i was in love with mina from the moment i knew she was pink all over) (also mirko but that is mostly just because. she’s so hot. guys she’s just so hot.)

8. riza hawkeye from fma. i don’t think i even need to make a case here. i love her so much and when she is on screen my enjoyment goes up by 15%

9. yennefer from the witcher. we simply stan yen in this house. she has had a hard and complicated life and her story is ALSO hard and complicated and you know what. she doesn’t /deserve/ it but she does deserve respect for it and also i love her.

10. lup theadventurezone. i just love her so much. much like riza she ALSO requires no explanation, sorry.

tagging -- @ofmermaidstories @unintentionalgenius (hayls got you already but i love you too much not to tag you sorry) @grimghostkid uhhhhh and anyone else that wants to do it!

[zi-i-think]

Hey everyone! I’m so sad to say that my chapter isn’t even close to done. I’ve been swamped with homework, studying, etc. Maybe enjoy this chapter of an old Mavel fanfic that I started but never continued. After Her Sun His Moon I might pick the idea back up, but only time will tell. Love you all lots! And hang loose, amigos 🤙🏼

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Cleo (OC)

Rating: M

Word count: 2200+

~~~

       Boom!

       "I'm too young to die!"

       Bang!

       "What did I do to deserve this?... don't answer that."

       Bang! Bang! Bang!

       "Cleo, shut up and keep shooting!"

       "We're running out of ammo and there's no way we can get past all those guys!"

       There's nothing worse than getting shot at, by the people you once called family and shooting back at them with an odd band of people who tried to arrest you not too long ago. Might as well crawl back to the pits of hell and play poker with satan.

       "Damn it!" I grumble. I then proceed to throw my machine gun on the floor and slide further down the cover of the flipped taxi. "Out of bullets," I tell my partner who stands to my left and shooting from a gun of his own. I feel bad for the guy. No one forced us to be partners, let alone be willing to die for one another. Just a couple of months ago we hated each other's guts. Yet here we are. Firing bullets like rain falls from the sky in order to not let the other get shot.

       He furrows his eyebrow with a confused look, kneeling closer to me. "We're gonna get out of this, Cleo. I promise you." He assures me.

       I give him a sad smile as I place my hand behind his neck before pulling him down to kiss him. I don't know when or if I'd even see this man ever again. But, I really hope I do. It was a hungry and passionate kiss, but too short, even shorter than those damn hobbits. I pull away but he keeps his face no more than an inch from mine. "I love you."

       I don't give him a chance to react to the very sudden and magical words before slipping out of his grasp and emerge from behind the taxi. I create my triangular forcefield to prevent the bullets, not fast enough, though, since one skimmed my arm. I don't even realize it due to the adrenaline but-

       Too far into the story, my bad. In order for you to really know what all this is about, we need to start from the beginning of the weirdest time in my life. It started at McDonald's, actually.

       "Order for John Mulaney." The soulless employee announces in monotone. The name makes one head turn in the empty area, only for them to sigh in disappointment when John Mulaney did not come to this McDonald's. It was just me. A shit-hole of a person, having a normal night of eating fries and nuggets after an assassination job.

       I wanted the Happy Meal, but they refused to let me order that because I'm "too old". I'm not a motherfucking senior citizen like that Captain America, who looks good enough to, in fact, fuck the mothers of America.

       "Ugh." I gag, spitting my half-chewed nugget back into the box. Jesus, what do they put in this? Semen? I reach for my Frappuccino, the caramel one, of course, and take a sip in order to get rid of the not-even-close-to-chicken taste out of my mouth. And while setting the drink back on the table, the napkin that I used before now has black writing on it.

       I look around the barren restaurant, looking for a suspicious person. Only, I'm the only person here, other than a group of drunk college girls in the corner. It's only 11 pm, what are they doing back from whatever party they went to? That's pathetic. Looking back at the napkin, I pick it up to read it better.

(718)-334-7876

11:20 pm sharp.

       Probably someone looking to hire. But, why contact me with a napkin. A pigeon would be more practical. Alas, it's on a napkin. I've had people contact me discretely in many ways. A brick, calling through a phone, letters, notes on my motorcycle, but never on a napkin. I also don't understand why this person couldn't just come up and talk to me. The place is empty after all... Like my soul.

       My left-hand digs into my back pocket for my phone. Setting my hand lazily of the table with the phone resting in it, it lights up to read 11:18 over my black lock-screen with the words "Fuck off" in bold, white letters in the middle. He did say 11:20 sharp. Should I wait the extra two minutes? No, I'm too impatient and also don't give any fucks.

       My fingers dial the number as written and press the call button. Tapping my fingers on the table rhythmically as the phone rings. I hope it's a politician job. Better yet, one who doesn't believe in climate change! Putting a bullet through one of their thick heads can be fun and stress-relieving.

       "You called too early." A raspy and familiar voice on the other side appears.

       "It's 11:20 somewhere in the world." I quip, plopping a fry in my mouth. "Now, what's the point of this call, Frank?"

       "My name isn't Frank." He gruffs.

       "Luke?" I guess again.

       "Cl-"

       "I know what your name is." I interrupt him, leaning back in my chair with a cocky smirk. "It's Gandalf, right?"

       The other line is silent while I lightly snicker to myself. I know I can be a little... much. But what's a little pestering, right? I was never that good at socializing, though. I have what you call "people-problems". Simply put, I don't like people too much and they don't like me in return. Which is why I make such a great business partner.

       "Cleo, we have a job for you." Right we're back to that.

       "How was your brief vacation, Frank?" Silence. Again. The fact that I am still alive despite getting everyone to hate me is astonishing. Really, I have made so many enemies just by talking. Whether it be by calling them a nasty word or confusing their gender, I can always offend someone. Even with the simplicity of calling this man Frank.

       "Can you be professional for once?" He lets out a breathy plead. "It wouldn't kill ya."

       "No, it wouldn't kill me." I sigh in agreement. "but it does take the joy out of things, such as killing others. Which is why you called."

       "Come to the house and you'll be given all the information."

       "Woah Woah Woah Woah." I raise my eyebrows as I interrupt my little acquaintance for this millionth time during this one phone call. "Woah. You think I'm actually going to take this job?"

       "Come on, Cleo." I roll my eyes already as I reach for my frappuccino for another long sip. "It's been over a year now and-"

       "Ahhh." I hiss, my left hand find their way for my forehead and shut my eyes up tightly. This pain. One of the worst a person can get, no later how trained and pain tolerant I get, I can always feel this pain.

       "Cleo?" Not-Frank's raspy voice is sounded through the phone. "Cleo, are you alright?" Worry? Coming from not-Frank? The last time that's been a thing was a couple of years ago when I almost threw him off a building. If your wondering about that, well long story short, there was a lot of suspicion between the families and not-Frank got caught in the middle of a lot of things.

       "Yep," I grunt, finally removing my hands from my forehead. "Damn. Been shot multiple times and a brain-freeze will always be one of the worst pain I will ever experience. Now, what were we discussing? Oh right. The fact that I am 100 percent done with you guys."

       "You know, you're lucky to be alive. The Boss never lets anyone leave and you were somehow able to waltz right out the door. Tell me, Cleo. How did you really get out." His voice was beginning to sound like a snake. It was low and airy, just the right amount of that lovely threatening tone that people get so scared of.

       "Well I didn't really 'waltz' out of the door, I'm not much of a dancer. It was more of a strut, really."

       "Dio mio." He mutters under his breath. I presume he is also burying his face in his hand at the moment.

       "You don't believe in God, Frank." I playfully scold him. "Oh, while I have you on the phone I need to ask you something. So, if you ran a night club and you were about to be assassinated by a quite gorgeous female. Would you prefer to be killed with a jagged or smooth knife?"

       "Cleo–"

       "Cause the smooth ones are a bit faster, but for some reason, they spray more blood and I was planning on wearing a new coat I bought. And the–"

       "Just shut up and listen to me!" He snapped, the sound of his fist banging on the table clear, even through the phone. My mouth still hangs open as a sort of offended look becomes present on my face. Most people know better than to raise their voice at me since I've been known to be a little violent to those who disrespect me. Though, this instance was different because of one: if you haven't noticed, not-Frank and I aren't even in the same room. And two: I know that the boss is probably waiting for not-Frank to return to his office and let him know that I'll be one my way. And when the boss requests you to do something, there's a lot of pressure to get it done fast.

       Both sides of the phone are dead silent as I wait for the man to start talking again. Maybe ten seconds after the outburst, I hear a low murmur from not-Frank. "So she can be quiet." I bite down on my tongue, hard, to stop myself from making a snarky comment. "Don Caruso is hoping that you can come over to the house."

       I scoff. Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in. Don't get me wrong. I want to say no. After all, when I left, I was hoping to leave behind the whole mafia sha-bang, too. But I know a few things. Like the fact that I will be getting paid pretty nicely for this. And also the fact that business has been a bit slow lately and being able to tell clients that the New York crime boss practically begged to hire me will boost my independent business.

       "Give me a couple of hours to get there," I tell him. "And make sure that statue in the front yard is covered up with a sheet or something. The horse's eyes freak me out." Hanging up the phone, my jewelry barren hand grabs the yellow tray with all the greasy food as I stand and throw it all away in the trash.

       I take a couple of steps out the door and stop. My senses heighten and my head turns to look to my left. The light from inside the restaurant is what allows me to get a somewhat good look at the homeless man walking on the sidewalk with a slight limb from his left leg. The man's dark beard is disheveled and I can only assume that his hair is pulled back but with the gray hood over I'm not completely sure. Something about him felt off. And when you're in my kind of business, you learn that your intuitions are usually right.

       The man wears old blue jeans, a grey hoodie with another red jacket over it, and black tennis shoes, which isn't out of the ordinary when it comes to homeless people. What is out of the ordinary is that his nails are pretty clean and his clothes, while they were old, were in the okay condition. Meaning there aren't any holes, rips, dirt or stains. It was like it was just bought at a thrift store.

       I begin walking with purpose in his direction, pretending not to notice him until I bump into him roughly. He loses his balance and falls on his knees as I turn in 'shock.' "Oh my goodness," I gasp. "I am so sorry." I reach down, my right-hand grabs his right arm as I help him off the ground. Discretely while doing this, I slide his sleeve up, getting a glimpse of a high tech watch. "You know, impersonating the homeless is really disrespectful."

       Not a second after that sentence falls from my lips, a gun is pulled out from the man's hoodie and he points it straight at me. Where from his hoodie? I don't fucking know. What I do know is that I was tracked by none other than the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.

       S.H.I.E.L.D.

       I was tracked by S.H.I.E.L.D.

[sugarglider-s]

The Time the Other Two Spidey Bois Met Mulaney in Mulaney's perspective (cuz I was inspired lol)

Okay, so, it turns out that the world is a lot smaller than you'd imagine. Especially to someone like me, you know, meets a lot of people, travels a lot. But what you don't realize is that sometimes, I don't even get recognized by my profession, no, I got recognized by my dog.

*The audience laughs and cheers*

So, anyone who's here and has at least heard one other show by be should probably know that I have a little French bulldog named Petunia, right? So, I was in New York again, and I was walking my dog, and suddenly, I heard the most high-pitched squeal I'd ever heard another human make. I turn around and see this adorable person being chased by another less adorable person. And they were both in, like high school, but you could probably come to the conclusion that the first one was a five year old trapped in a high schooler’s body, they were wearing a skirt and a shirt and it was adorable. You know how most kids lose their childhood innocence during middle school? This kid had only gained more.

But back to the story, skirt kid, without acknowledging me, bends down to say hi to Petunia. They don't pet her until they look up and ask and I give the go ahead and let me tell you, this is the happiest and most docile Petunia has been since I met her, okay? She's just chilling in this complete stranger's arms! She still bites me!

Eventually, the kid looks at the name tag on her collar and their eyes grow wide as saucers. Not to mention, this kid's friend is wheezing and I feel like he said something about super speed, but I'm not completely sure. Anyway, this kid, their eyes are as wide as saucers, okay? And they look up at me, and then the dog, and then to me and this goes on for maybe five minutes before they go “Are you John Mulaney?”

*The audience chuckles*

And I go “Yes,”

*The audience laughs louder*

because how else am I supposed to answer? Say no and walk away? That's not right! And all this time, in the back of my mind I'm thinking “Hmm… these kids look familiar!” But it doesn't register until I see the kid's lock screen. And it's those two other kids I met like, a month ago! Skinny jeans and Business boy! At least these two are more suitably dressed for the weather!

So I'm like “Are you Logan and Virgil's boyfriends?” And they go “Yes” because how else are they supposed to answer?

*The audience laughs*

So we talk on the street, well, Sunshine kid is on the pavement having the time of their life with Petunia while I talk with Señor Disney. We ended up parting ways and it was tragic. Petunia and Sunshine looked devastated. It was like looking at a kicked puppy and my dog. I almost gave them Petunia, but I didn't because my wife would be up my ass.

*The audience laughs*

They did tell me their names, and I was lucky enough to be able to tell them here today. Sunshine was named Patton while Disney was named Roman. They were both extremely nice and I'm hoping they're doing well and helping their boyfriends with dressing appropriately.

—(Sugar) this is amazing and I love you so much for continuing it!

[johnmulaneyscreen]

“You’re all gonna die! STREET SMARTS!” -John Mulaney

Requested by @wannabetab

THANKS FOR 1K !! ❤️

[insert-witty-namehere]

I made some john mulaney lock screens!

Please reblog if you use!