#how fitting are these lines to his message to liam

[eminentzayn]

it fucking kills me that it was zayn who sang these lines in more than this.

ziam forever in my heart.

[kikyoupdates]

Girlfriend-For-Hire ⭑˚🦋⭑ 𝟷𝟸

yandere!ocs x f!reader

yandere, reverse harem, yandere reverse harem, original characters x fem!reader, slowburn, slowburn yandere

Hoping to try something new and earn a bit of money on the side, you join an app that lets people hire you for your dating services. The idea is pretty straightforward — you pose as the client's girlfriend for a brief period of time, and in turn, you receive payment. But you didn't foresee everyone getting so attached to you, and suddenly, they're no longer satisfied with a fabricated relationship.

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From the moment Axel sends those messages, he keeps checking his phone nearly every minute, anxiously awaiting your response. It really sucks how you left things off yesterday. Your departure was so sudden, and it honestly felt like a slap in the face, especially since everything had been going so well up until then. 

It’s the morning after the unfortunate fallout, and Axel and Liam still have yet to speak. Liam spent the entire night locked in his room. Axel didn’t bother to check on him. It’s incredibly unfair for Liam to throw a fit and act like he didn’t agree to this in the first place. If he had a problem, why didn’t he mention it from the very start? Instead of being honest, he decided he would much rather have a public meltdown and make you feel guilty for ever being involved. Of course you would leave after all that. You probably felt pressured into doing it. You probably felt like you had no other choice. 

Axel still can’t really believe that this is even happening right now. He was completely and utterly blindsided. But Liam’s had some time to calm down, and he’s sure that if he just takes the time to explain everything to you, eventually, things will go back to normal. 

He doesn’t realize how naive those thoughts are until you finally text back.

Axel’s mouth feels dry. Every time he swallows, it’s like there’s some stiff object lodged in his throat. He reads through all of your messages frantically, and with each word, he grows increasingly desperate. 

Finally, he says something he can never take back.

Axel awaits your response with bated breath. His cheeks are hot, but rather than feeling ashamed for the disgusting act he just suggested, the emotion weighing him down right now is something else entirely. 

Fear.

He’s more worried about what you might say, then how his boyfriend would feel if he ever found out about this betrayal. 

For obvious reasons, your response isn’t pretty. 

Axel stares down at the screen of his phone in utter disbelief. You blocked him. You really blocked him over that? What did he even do wrong? Like you said, it’s not even real dating, so can it actually be considered cheating? He barely even got to kiss you on the cheek, for fuck’s sake. 

“No,” he mumbles, eyes wide. “No, no, no! Shit! What the hell am I supposed to do? What the actual fuck do I do now?!” 

He can’t seem to stop himself from screaming, and by that point, he’s already awoken the other person living in the apartment.

Liam steps out of his bedroom and cautiously walks over. His eyes are lidded, and his hair is slightly out of place. Still, the sound of Axel’s screaming must have jolted him awake faster than usual. 

“Axel?” Liam frowns. “What’s wrong? Is everything… okay?” 

No. Nothing’s okay. Nothing’s okay because he ruined it—that’s what Axel yearns to say right now, but against all odds, he bites his lip and holds back.

“My shitty phone’s acting up,” Axel brushes off. He turns away and starts putting on his jacket. “It’s no big deal. Just go back to sleep. You don’t have work until later in the day. Get as much rest as you can.”

Liam pauses, then steps closer, into Axel’s line of vision. “Are you sure?” he asks worriedly. “You’re not mad at me, are you? I know last night didn’t go how you wanted it to, and I’m sorry, but please don’t be—” 

“I’m not mad,” Axel cuts him off, smiling forcibly. “It’s fine. Just go back to sleep. I gotta leave for work now.” 

“...okay. I guess we’ll talk later tonight, then.” Liam forces a smile of his own. “Have a good day at work. I love you.” 

Axel stares at him for a few moments, then grits his teeth and steps out the door. 

He doesn’t say ‘I love you’ back. 

I hope Liam’s doing okay. 

You grimace in between bites of your sandwich. The messages Axel sent you this morning were disturbing, to say the least. You don’t have Liam’s contact information, so you can’t even tell him about what happened. Hearing about it would undoubtedly break his heart, and honestly, you don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but he deserves to know what his boyfriend is thinking. 

You could, in theory, show up to their apartment to try and speak to Liam face to face… but you can only see that backfiring on you. It sucks that Liam’s dealing with all this, but you’ve learned from your experience with Callum that the sooner you distance yourself from toxic situations, the better. Liam’s not an idiot. He’ll realize that Axel isn’t worth sticking around for, especially if he treats him like shit. 

That being said, it still doesn’t make you feel good, and you can only hope that the situation will be sorted out one way or another. Maybe they can go to couple’s therapy, and Axel will finally realize how wrong his behavior is. Who knows. As long as there’s some sort of peaceful resolution in the end. 

Ugh. When you first signed up for this job, you thought it would be pretty straightforward. You thought it would be clear that this is ‘fake’ dating, and that everyone would behave like civilized adults. But clearly, you were being naive. You’re probably bound to encounter all sorts of assholes and creeps in this line of business, which means you need to learn how to put your foot down when the situation calls for it.

“...careful. Frown any harder and you might pop a blood vessel.” 

You blink. At first you don’t even realize that someone is speaking to you, at least, not until you look around and find yourself staring at a familiar face. 

Ezra chuckles. “Your cheeks are all stuffed like a chipmunk. A cute, frowny little chipmunk.” 

You consider protesting, but you decide to swallow the food in your mouth first instead of embarrassing yourself even more.

“I’m not a chipmunk, but I am cute,” you huff, blushing a bit. 

“My bad,” he muses, grabbing a seat next to you. “I’ll try to cut back on the chipmunk allegations from now on.” 

“I’d appreciate that.” 

You set your sandwich down and wipe the corners of your mouth with a napkin. Ezra scoots a bit closer and tilts his head inquisitively. 

“You good?” he asks. “It looked like you were getting kind of worked up about something. Stressing about midterms?” 

“Not really,” you admit, and sure enough, your frown returns. “Some people are just dicks. I feel stupid for having expectations of them in the first place. Maybe I’m the idiot. I guess I should just assume the worst from now on.” 

Ezra pauses, clearly hesitant, then he leans even closer with a concerned expression. “Is this about Callum? Did that dipshit mess up again somehow?” 

“No, it’s not about Callum. He tried talking to me a few days ago, but I made it clear I wasn’t interested. This is some other asshole,” you grimace. “But I don’t want to bore you with the details. I’m just really taken aback by his behavior.” 

“I wouldn’t be bored. I’m happy to listen, whatever it is,” he encourages. 

You smile appreciatively, but your fake dating life isn’t exactly something you like to openly disclose. The only people who know about it in your personal life are Ava and her boyfriend. Technically Callum knows too, because he was a client, which sucks since he goes to the same school as you. That’s one loose end you weren’t able to tie up, and you have a feeling it’s going to come back and bite you in the ass later. 

Maybe you’ll tell Ezra about it eventually, but you still don’t know him all that well, and truthfully, you’re afraid of being judged. From what you can tell, he’s a really nice guy, but your friendship is still in the early stages. You need more time to build up trust. 

“It’s a long story,” you sigh. “I don’t really want to get into the details, but basically, this guy I know is acting like a total piece of shit towards his boyfriend, and I feel really bad that there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I know it’s not my relationship, and I shouldn’t have been involved in the first place, but… I don’t know. It just kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth.” 

Ezra blinks. “Damn. What is with these couples and roping you into their business? I feel like you end up dealing with this kind of stuff way more often than you should.” 

“Tell me about it.” 

You sigh once more. Yet again, you’ve been deceived. Axel told you that Liam was comfortable with a polyamorous type of arrangement. And perhaps he really did think that Liam was okay with it at the start, but now, it should be obvious that’s not the case, and he’s still trying to go behind his boyfriend’s back. You were nice enough to give him the benefit of the doubt, but evidently, that was a mistake.

Well, you’ve learned another lesson. Polyamorous relationships are not something you want to get involved in from now on, because even if everyone claims they’re comfortable with it, there’s no way for you to know for sure. Not until it’s too late.

Still, there’s no point in worrying about it anymore. You truly do wish Liam the best, but he has his life, and you’ve got yours. You can’t always worry about others nonstop. You did your part, and now, the rest is up to him. 

“How did you get your island to look so epic?” you ask, deciding to veer onto a more pleasant topic. “I swear mine will never look that good. And it takes forever for me to collect all those real art pieces from Redd. He keeps selling me fake shit.” 

Ezra proudly sticks his nose in the air. “What can I say? I guess I’m just built different.” 

You stare at him, visibly unimpressed. 

“...okay, fine,” he relents. “I grinded like crazy, and I’ve spent an ungodly amount of time on that game. At this point, I actually think it might be an addiction.” 

“I’ll pray for you,” you hum, taking another bite of your sandwich. 

He laughs. “Please do.” 

Ezra briefly steps away to buy himself some lunch, and when he returns, you’re thankfully no longer the only person stuffing your face. Just as you thought, he really is a nice guy, and super easy to talk to. You don’t even mind that he’s friends with Callum because you know he’ll never pressure you into forgiving him. He’s mature enough to acknowledge that his friends have flaws.

“Man, I ate way too much,” Ezra groans. “My next class is about to be rough.” 

“Are you leaving now?” you ask. “Let’s walk together for a bit. We’ve still got some time to kill.” 

“Let’s do it. I need to walk all this food off anyways. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten the extra-large portion…” 

You chuckle softly and give him an encouraging pat on the back. The two of you leave the cafeteria and step outside, greeted by rays of sunshine. The weather was pretty crappy earlier this morning, but it’s nice to see it clearing up a bit.

Unfortunately, you’re not the only people taking advantage of the good weather, and even though you don’t realize it, a certain asshole has you fixed in his gaze. 

Callum blinks. Once, twice, then too many times to even count. 

He doesn’t understand what’s happening. Why are you with Ezra? Since when do the two of you talk and hang out? Ezra never told him about any of this. What, so you’ll cut him out of your life, but Ezra’s fine? And seriously, what kind of a dickhead goes behind his friend’s back like that? 

“...and then, she got all pissy for whatever reason,” Nadia rambles on, rolling her eyes all the while. “Like, how is it my fault that she’s gained weight? I was just looking out for her. Ungrateful bitch.” 

Callum doesn’t respond. Truth be told, he’s been zoned out for the past several minutes, save for a disinterested yeah or uh-huh from time to time. But right now, Nadia may as well be invisible to him, even with how tightly she’s holding onto his arm, and how her absurdly-long nails dig into his skin. 

Finally, she notices. 

“Oh my god, Callum!” Nadia fumes, slapping him on the back. “Fucking listen to me! You’re not paying attention to anything I say! What are you even looking at? What’s so important that you’d rather—” 

She stops. The sound of your laughter, even from afar, evokes a visceral response from her. Naturally, she pinpoints you almost immediately. She sees you walking around, stupidly carefree, with that fuckface Ezra by your side. It’s almost comical. You’re both pathetic pieces of trash, so in a way, you’re perfect for each other. 

“Great,” Nadia snorts. “It’s that bitch again. She really just jumps on any guy she meets, huh? What a fucking slu—” 

“Nadia.” 

Callum cuts her off, and for some reason, his tone feels unusually harsh. When Nadia finally looks up at him, she flinches.

Have his eyes… always been that cold? 

“Shut the hell up,” Callum glares. “You keep running your mouth, and it’s getting on my fucking nerves. Walk to class on your own. You’ve pissed me off.” 

He violently pulls away from her, and he’s already walking off, without even bothering to look back. 

Nadia’s face starts burning. “Callum!” she cries out. “What the fuck is your problem?! Is this how you treat your girlfriend right after you get back together with her? Do you want me to break up with you again? Is that what you want? Asshole!” 

Callum doesn’t so much as spare her a glance.

Nadia places a palm on her chest, then takes a shaky breath. Something is wrong. Callum isn't normally like this. Granted, they've broken up more than a handful of times, but he's usually a lot sweeter when they mend their relationship. He's usually all over her, promising never to upset her again, and repeating that he loves her on a seemingly unending loop.

But not this time. This time, he was noticeably less enthusiastic. Nadia initially brushed it off, wondering if she'd perhaps been too hard on him. She figured he was just pouting, and that if she gave him some time, he would go back to his normal self again. 

It's almost like he got mad the second she insulted you. Even his eyes lingered on you for an unnatural amount of time. He claims the two of you were just friends, so what's with that stupidly melancholic expression of his? It’s almost as if…

As if he would rather be with you.

“Ha.”

Nadia chuckles dryly. Alright. So, that's how it is. You must have pulled some strings to make him feel attached to you. You must have deceived him somehow, because that's what disgusting tramps like you do.

Fine, then. Enjoy your short-lived victory while it lasts.

You'll regret it soon.

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🦋 main masterlist ♡ character appearances

[the-offside-rule]

Liam Lawson (Alpha Tauri) - Streaming Buddy

Requested: yes

Warnings: none

Liam sat laughing along with his chat as he read through some of the messages. He stretched and let out a tired groan before sitting down and wanting to do something else. "Ah guys I'm absolutely shattered. I'm so bored. What should we do?" He waited a few seconds for people to send in some answers to his question which he quickly skimmed through it. "Okay, warzone again, we've already played. Marbles, not the same without Marcel, come on guys let's get creative here." He read through them all. They were very plain, a bit boring. He was seriously contemplating finishing the stream up when he spotted one sgmuggestion that he liked. "Simulator with Y/n. I like that idea." he chuckled. The chat went ballistic, they wanted that too. They rarely ever saw Y/n on streams so of course they wanted it.

Liam took out his phone and began texting Y/n who was sitting in the living room, watching some Netflix. She needed a break from a very stressful year at university so having some time to relax and not worry about anything was a nice change. Her phone lit up on the table, meaning someone had just messaged her. She stretched and reached for it, almost falling off in the process and had a look at who it was. She smiled as she saw Liam's name pop up. She opened her phone and read through his message, confusing her a bit. He probably just wanted her to order some food.

"You wanted me?" Y/n whispered to him. "Sit down." He said, scotting over a bit in his chair. "We won't both fit there Liam." Liam grinned. "Feel free to sit on my lap then." Y/n felt her cheeks burning red but thankfully it was hard to notice because of his coloured lights. She slowly sat down and looked toward the camera almost as if she was silently saying this guy. Liam wrapped his arms around her and held her closer. "So, why am I here?" she asked. "Well, somkeone suggested that you try out the simulator." Liam said. Y/n closed her eyes and slid down a bit. "No." She whined, making Liam laugh at her reaction. "I can't drive to save my life." Y/n was already starting to make up excuses. "Nah, you'll be fine come on." Y/n stayed on his lap. "Babe-"

"You can't get up if I don't get up first."

Liam let out a sigh. "Really?" he asked. Y/n nodded her head and grinned before Liam shot her a cheeky smile and picked her up. "Hey!" she squealed as he carried her to the simulator. "Just do one lap come on." Liam said putting her down and then fixing the camera on her. "Oh fine." She said giving in. She began racing around, making a complete mess of everything. She was breaking too early, going onto the throttle too late, Liam felt the need to go and show her how to do everything. "No, you're doing it wrong, you have to change the gears when all the lights on the steering wheel go on." Liam started explaining bit by bit to her as she drove agonisingly slow around the track. "Right, pick up the pace. Come on." Liam said. Y/n stepped on the pedals the pick up the pace and she was doing just fine until her tyre touched the grass and moved her line completely. In an attempt to save the car, she corrected herself but ended up spinning and crashing into one of the barriers. Y/n's eyes went wide as she took her hands off the steering wheel slowly.

"What just broke?" he asked as Y/n crashes. She kept quiet for a while until she mumbled a little "everything." Liam shook his head and tutted as if she was a child. "How did you spin on a straight?" he asked in disbelief. "Look right, I don't know what you expected-" Y/n said in between laughs. "To finish at least one lap maybe." Liam replied sarcastically. Y/n groaned and slid down the chair. "It's fine, you just don't know how to do it." Liam laughed. "Right, teach me then." Y/n said. Liam nodded his head and moved her again before he lifted her up and sat down, placing her back on his lap. "Right, watch carefully then." Y/n's smile softened before she lay back. "So yeah, you have to be careful into turn one, it's a hairpin pretty much. As for the rest-" He paused and looked at her face in the stream. She wasn't even focusing on the simulator. "Babe, you listening?" he asked. Y/n lifted her head back until she saw him. "No." She replied sweetly. Liam arched an eyebrow and continued on driving. "Why? Why aren't you looking at the screen?"

"I'm looking at something way better right now." Liam tried to contain his grin when she said that but failed miserably. "That was so cheesy." He mumbled. "Well I can't help it I love you, you little- oop, you crashed." She said pointing at the screen. "Oi, that was your fault."

"You shouldn't have been distracted." Liam grinned before kissing her hair. "Yeah, yeah. Let's just race huh?" Y/n laughed a bit before relaxing and watching Liam go around the track. "I love you too." He whispered, making her smile. "Yeah, yeah. Let's focus on the Racing now eh?"

[stylesclarified]

In the Louis/Liam Gallagher post, you mentioned writing a post on Louis being a homophobic bully

You then said this:

"Louis cheated on Hannah with Eleanor and at first Hannah didn't know, so she and Louis were on good terms, but she has been openly very negative about Louis ever since late 2011."

Do you remember Hannah's brother tweeted that Hannah had caught him cheating with a man? And before that, while Louis was on X factor someone tweeted that Louis had bullied another boy at the school for being gay. That, and your other comment below

"think he's still trying to market himself this way because deep down he still wants the acceptance of his high school buddies and other men like them"

seems to represent, in my opinion, someone who willingly mocks gay men, or those who don't fit into a particular role, because it's not deemed cool by his friends. I'm not trying to turn this into a "is he gay, is he straight" discussion but reading your post, breaking down his people pleaser personality in a way, has me thinking that if he was gay or bi, he wouldn't want to come out because it wouldn't be seen as "cool" by his friends, or fit in with his faux Liam Gallagher tough guy persona. I think the only reason he stayed close to his Doncaster friends is because they're the only friendships he had so he feels the need to impress them. He didn't seem to bond with or make long lasting friendships in his time in the band. Sure he had Zayn, Liam and so on, but there isn't a real genuine friendship between him and anyone outside the band from that time.... compared to someone like harry who was always networking

I think his sexuality is somewhat important in all of this Liam Gallagher wannabe character he's playing because it seems to mirror his behaviour in high school (bullying gay people to fit in with his friends and putting on an act, and now he's laying on this chav act very thick to replicate his friends' behaviours to fit in. Seems to be a pattern)

I understand this message might be crossing a line discussing sexuality, but I would be interested in your opinion on how he wishes to be perceived by his friends, and the bullying claims

I'm going to quote stuff you say to answer, because this is very long.

Do you remember Hannah's brother tweeted that Hannah had caught him cheating with a man?

This didn't happen. Louis cheated on Hannah with Eleanor, not with a man. How do I know this? Well, Alana Burton.

Harry started working at W. Mandeville, a bakery in Holmes Chapel, when he was fourteen years old. Alana also worked there, she's from a nearby town that I'm not gonna name out of respect for the fact that she's not a celebrity and is quite private (Larries have spread this, though). Alana is two years older than Harry, so after a while working together, she moved to Manchester to go to university. She met Eleanor Calder there and they became roommates.

Harry then got put in 1D, they came in third in the X Factor, and then they toured with the rest of the contestants of that season. These are some of the X Factor tour dates:

Harry invited Alana to go to one of their shows — we don't know which one (presumably one of the Manchester shows). Alana brought friends, Eleanor being one of them. This is why they've always said that Louis introduced Louis and Eleanor.

Larries interpreted Harry being uncomfortable about this as him being heartbroken or jealous... No, he was probably perfectly aware of the fact that Louis had cheated. Harry got along really well with Hannah.

Larries also lied and said that Harry didn't get on with Eleanor, but that's absolutely not true.

This is Harry and Eleanor hanging out a few years ago. And yes, that's Eleanor. This is the pub right next to Harry's house, which Eleanor is been known to frequent. You could also see her dad in the video.

Anyway, tangent over.

This is the story Alana herself tells to her friends. There was a Larrie here a while ago who openly talked about this because she allegedly met one of Alana's friends. She gave details that the fandom didn't have at the time, like the fact that it happened during the X Factor tour.

Why did she do this? Well, when confirmed that he was about to become a father, Larries created a disgusting blog with "receipts" where everyone would submit theirs. She tried to use this as a receipt against the validity of Louis and Eleanor (I don't remember what her logic at the time was) and it backfired. As far as I'm aware, the posts are deleted. I THINK this is the Larrie that spread the "receipt":

I can't find anything else about this on her blog, but I'm pretty sure it was her and she just deleted everything. This is one of the OG huge Larrie blogs talking about it years later:

I don't generally take what Larries say seriously, but the fact is that all of these things align with what members of the band have said, with Harry hanging out with Alana (even their families together, as per the pictures I posted above), and with things I detailed in a second.

I mean, Louis himself had already sort of said it to Seventen Magazine (July 2012):

He didn't tell the entire story because in March 2011, Louis was still VERY MUCH with Hannah. In fact, she posted this pic on Easter, a month later:

And they wouldn't break up until July. Hannah took a break from Twitter July 17. I can't post her tweets because her account has been deactivated for years but I can post fan reactions to her tweets:

This next screenshot I could find on Google. Read it bottom to top, it starts July 17 and ends July 24. But basically, after her Twitter break, on July 24, Hannah vaguely referenced that she and Louis had broken up but that they were on good terms, to which Louis agreed.

Obviously, at the time, Hannah had no idea that Louis had met Eleanor several months prior and had... let's call it "kept in touch." Stanley Lucas was one of Louis' best friends (Louis even bought Stan a car). This screenshot was taken in 2015, when Eleanor briefly reactivated her Facebook after she and Louis broke up. Stan had a private profile, but a fan had a friend in common with him and...

(Don't ask me for the source of the screenshot because it's completely lost to time. I just tend to save stuff. I actually found this buried in my Google photos account recently when I was cleaning up).

The timing is........ incredible. And to make matters worse, Eleanor's cousin, Emily, was a huge 1D fan since their X Factor days. She was kept in the dark about Eleanor and Louis knowing each other until after he and Hannah broke up and almost immediately:

I can't embed for some reason, but here's the link

He also followed her on Twitter and called her on the phone:

As far as she was aware, at this point, Louis and Eleanor were "just friends" and she wouldn't find out they were an item until it became public knowledge. Why? Because, well, she was a child, and she was a 1D fan, so she knew perfectly well that Louis had a girlfriend until LITERALLY two weeks prior to following her.

Larries took Emily's lack of knowledge of the situation as "proof" of it being all fake, instead of the fact that she was lied to and told 1% of the information. She was told that Louis and Eleanor had known each other for a while, but she didn't have the full context:

Sugarscape, a popular media outlet at the time that had a lot of interviews with 1D, said that someone spotted Louis with a brunette girl at V Festival (August 20/21 2011). I can't find the original article because Sugarscape has gone offline since then, but I can find an archived version of a second article where they reference it, a year later:

Eleanor confirmed it was her:

Sugarscape wrote this second article because Louis had given an interview where he said that he and Eleanor didn't know how long they'd been together:

Larries also used this as proof that their relationship was fake, but... he couldn't say how long they'd been together BECAUSE THEY CHEATED. Not because he "didn't know" or because "he didn't care" or any other Larrie-backward-ass-logic. He did know, but if he admitted it, he was basically spelling out that he had cheated on his ex for months.

Notice how Sugarscape corrects Louis, who said they'd been together for 6-8 months. They're like "no, actually, it's at least 11." And, no, actually, it's MORE.

So, when you say that Hannah's brother said Louis cheated with a man.... no girl. He cheated with Eleanor. At first, Hannah didn't know, but she probably did realize it eventually, and that's why her brother was upset. This is what he said (a year+ after the breakup, and a month after the Sugarscape article I linked):

He used a gay slur, and that's why Larries say that George accused Louis of cheating with a man, but that's... not true. You can see from his profile picture that he was a literal child. He most likely just used that slur because it was the worst word he could think of and had no idea what the implications were. Louis had been with Eleanor, very openly, for a year. They were first spotted together in September 2011. Eleanor then confirmed that they were together IN AUGUST.

You think that Louis not only had a parallel relationship with a man, but also that his ex girlfriend's little brother (I think he was literally, like, 12), knew about it and tweeted about it openly?

And the proof of this is one word that can be very easily explained with logic? As opposed the mountains of proof of the opposite? Not that OG Larry blog believed George was alluding to Louis cheating with a man, and she was so delusional, she believed that Hannah was "a friend who was doing Louis a favor."

And before that, while Louis was on X factor someone tweeted that Louis had bullied another boy at the school for being gay.

"Someone" didn't tweet this. Three separate people did, over the course of eight years, including the gay boy himself. One day I'll make a post about it.

That, and your other comment below "think he's still trying to market himself this way because deep down he still wants the acceptance of his high school buddies and other men like them" seems to represent, in my opinion, someone who willingly mocks gay men, or those who don't fit into a particular role, because it's not deemed cool by his friends.

Or because he's an asshole? Just saying.

I'm not trying to turn this into a "is he gay, is he straight" discussion

You absolutely are, babe. Own up to it. Louis has said he's straight, and there's literally no reason whatsoever to believe he's lying or that has changed.

but reading your post, breaking down his people pleaser personality in a way, has me thinking that if he was gay or bi, he wouldn't want to come out because it wouldn't be seen as "cool" by his friends, or fit in with his faux Liam Gallagher tough guy persona.

I know it's painful to accept the fact that an artist you like is an asshole, but you're doing too much. He's straight. He didn't cheat with a man — a child simply called him the f slur because he thought it was a good insult. He cheated with a woman, has consistently dated women, he got a woman pregnant. He used to pile girls into vans while leaving clubs wasted and high off his face. He's straight and he's an asshole. He's not secretly gay and trying to fit in.

What you're doing is called self-soothing.

I think the only reason he stayed close to his Doncaster friends is because they're the only friendships he had so he feels the need to impress them. He didn't seem to bond with or make long lasting friendships in his time in the band. Sure he had Zayn, Liam and so on, but there isn't a real genuine friendship between him and anyone outside the band from that time.... compared to someone like harry who was always networking

I can actually agree with this, in terms of him feeling the need to impress his friends. But this doesn't justify his treatment of that boy or make it any less embarrassing. He's a grown man. Can I empathize? Sure. Can I also say that he should work on it? Absolutely.

I think his sexuality is somewhat important in all of this Liam Gallagher wannabe character he's playing because it seems to mirror his behaviour in high school (bullying gay people to fit in with his friends and putting on an act, and now he's laying on this chav act very thick to replicate his friends' behaviours to fit in. Seems to be a pattern)

He's straight. There's absolutely no reason whatsoever to think he's not straight. He's 100% straight. He bullied gay people because he's a dick. And it's not the only homophobic thing he has done. He literally kicked rainbow flags off the stage for no fucking reason in the middle of concerts, and his friends were nowhere near when this was happening:

This is a gay 1D fan who tweeted about it one of the multiple times it happened:

As I said, one day I'll make a post... this is just one of the many many things he's done.

I understand this message might be crossing a line discussing sexuality, but I would be interested in your opinion on how he wishes to be perceived by his friends, and the bullying claims

It's not crossing a line. You're fine. It's just that you're not well-informed, which I'll chalk up to the fact that disinformation runs rampant in this fandom. It's why I made this blog lmao. I can't blame someone who (I'm assuming) comes in later and sees all the random things people took out of context. But... yeah. Louis is not a poor self-hating gay. He's just a dick.

[tmf-confessions]

!!WILD THEORY!!

After seeing two Liam analyses posts in row, including that one sent here about him being a follower, I think it's time I offered my own wild theory. Someone else pointed out how he never actually says the word "freak" on screen yet, even when given the opportunity (idk did he say it in that comic book episode set in freshman year I can't remember-), which I didn't actually notice but it kinda backs up my own speculation.

Basically, I'm thinking what a twist it would be if he was actually the fourth member of Max's band who couldn't make it due to the whole drama with Drew and Jake. There's like, two other pieces of evidence I have for this, but hold on.

One thing I did notice is how he makes unprompted song references twice, like with the whole Stacy's mom bit being a line from a song. Then there's that bit in the finale where he starts reciting Justin Bieber like prose when imagining Jake apologising to the club. I feel like he knows what he's referencing when he says it, and though it could just be for joking purposes idk if any other character does it quite like him. Also if he used to be a scene kid, apparently there's also a music subculture for that so... idk he might've been interested in being in a band in the past. It was certainly a choice to include that in his lore.

There's also the minor detail of Liam having has phone out during THAT scene in episode 9, which got highlighted later twice: one in a spoof vid Rosy made of the episode, and the other a deleted scene from a video on her second channel. Basically it's what would've happened if Jake hadn't brought up Zoey cheating, though it got scrapped in favor of more drama it seems. Liam gets accused of recording the audio himself since he had his phone out, to which he insists he was texting someone, however when asked he deflects by saying "your mom". Like... that makes you look sus still why won't you say who you were texting? It'd clear your name further, but ig he knows Henry and Drew already trust him.

I think in typical Liam fashion he might be trying to soften the damage going on in his group right now. Imagine learning another of your friends joined a band behind your back, right after breaking off your friendship with the first? I doubt Liam resents Drew, quite the opposite actually, but he'd never tell him about joining a band since their friend group literally bullies one. He probably schedules around his sessions with their friend group to attend band practice after school and hopes he never gets found out. Then after Jake joins the music club and it all goes downhill for the Jomies, he starts to worry about getting spotted at the band competition.

I also feel like aesthetic-wise, he'd probably fit in with all the blacks and reds of Max's band, though I doubt he wears the same clothes. If the gamer gettup he currently wears isn't truly reflective of him, then I imagine he has a different band persona. I like leaning into the association he has with vampires cos yknow. It fits the vibe and it's cool.

Anyway, do with this idea what you will. I already have scenarios in my head about what goes down, but I like to think that someday Liam will leave his phone unattended and someone will see the messages from Max and friends. Or he'll get confronted in the hallways about why he couldn't show up to the competition, and the truth will be revealed in front of everyone :D

Sidenote, but unlike Henry Liam's never tried to sing onscreen. And since Max appears to be scouting out Jake after the credits, it might be that he's in desperate need of a singer. Which... Tbh if Liam can actually sing too, that'd explain why seems the most sympathetic towards Jake's deal with the club.

[long-ish post finally over. will elaborate more if people want]

confession #922

[mrbexwrites]

OC Kiss Week

Series: Memento Mori (wider- world, not cannon) Pairing:Khalid & Liam Warnings: None Word count: 1390

Khalid ducked his head as the group of aunties passed; he hoped that the brim of his baseball cap hid his glittery eyeshadow, the only make-up he was brave enough to put on in public. He checked his phone again, sighing heavily when he saw that Lilah hadn’t even read his last message, let alone responded. She was supposed to be covering for him; if his mum called, they were studying together in the library. If his mother knew where he really was, she’d take off both of her slippers to smack him around the head with.

Beside him, a group of college students were chatting amicably amongst themselves. With nothing else to do, other than wait for Lilah to respond to him, he let himself eavesdrop and people-watch to pass the time in line. 

The students next to him were dressed in sequins and lace, exposing midriffs, thighs and more flesh that Khalid himself would have been comfortable with. He felt stupidly out of place, in his oversized hoodie and baggy jeans. They all laughed and giggled together, so at ease with their youth and bodies. His phone pinged. 

Stop freaking out; you’re twenty-seven years old, Kal. You’re allowed to go to a party. 

Lilah had finally responded. That was easy enough for her to say; her parents had offered to take her to get her belly-button pierced when she was twelve. Khalid’s parents weren’t as supportive when they’d caught him trying lipstick. 

“Hey. I like your eyeshadow.” The guy in front of him nudged his elbow, giving him a gentle smile. “You been hung up too?” 

“Thanks,” Khalid blushed, shoving both hands into the kangaroo pouch of his hoodie. “My big sister helped me. I’m just here on my own.”

“Couldn’t get someone to join you at the Bacchanalia? I get that,” the man shrugged, causing the fairy wings he was wearing to bob slightly. “I get that. A couple of my friends wouldn’t come after last time; I’d told them not to drink beforehand. But they didn’t listen.” He shook his head, chuckling to himself. “I’m Liam, by the way. This your first time?” 

“Khalid.” He shook Liam’s hand; it was warm, but not clammy, unlike his own palms. “How could you tell?” 

“If you’d been to one of the Bacchanal’s gigs before, you’d not be wearing that hoodie; you’d know you’d sweat to death in it!” Liam’s smile widened, showing off his dimples. His eyes crinkled as if grinning was his natural expression. Khalid felt his shoulders cave further inwards. 

“Don’t worry; you can just check it into the cloak room. Just don’t lose your ticket for it to get it back at the end of the night. I usually take a photo  of it, because once the Bacchanal takes the stage, you know things are going to get wild, and who knows what might fall out of your pockets!” 

Khalid, unsure of what to say, opened his mouth in disbelief, but Liam’s attention turned away from him as the queue surged forward at that moment, the doors to the venue opening. 

Inside it took him several moments for his eyes to adjust to the dark. Liam stood to one side, as if he had been waiting for Khalid whilst he checked in his jumper to the cloakroom. Khalid stuffed his hands into his jean pockets, feeling exposed, even though his t-shirt was two sizes too big, and hung off his frame. He was the most conservatively dressed person here. 

“You’re a fan of the Efervescent Space Badger?” Liam pointed to Khalid’s top, giving an approving nod. “Have you heard their older stuff, from like, before they were famous? I have a couple of bootlegged CDs that I got from the Barras, and they’re bangers!” 

Khalid muttered ‘cool’ as a response, unsure why this young man was being so nice to him. He felt like a fraud; he didn’t fit in here, with these people who wore glitter and leather, and little else, just as much as he didn’t fit in with the people outside. 

He’d made a mistake coming here. He turned to leave, just as the lights dimmed, and Liam gave a small squeal, squeezing Khalid’s bicep in excitement. 

The air left Khalid’s lungs as the lights on the stage slowly raised upwards to show off the god they had all come to worship at the feet of. 

The Bacchanal, dressed in a white and gold toga, so short it was almost scandalous, raised their arms and threw their head back in a laughing howl. Khalid’s heart pounded in his chest, his pupils dilating to take in the sight before him. 

“They’re so beautiful,” he whispered to himself as the low vibrations of the music began to pulse through his body. 

“Greetings, my beautiful deviants, devotees, and debutants!” The Bacchanal’s voice echoed over the sound system. “We’re all here for a good time, not a long time. Leave your shame at the door; know you are all welcome and loved here. You are home, my children, and tonight we dance!” 

The lights pulsed in time with the music, and a sea of bodies swayed, lost in the rhythm of their diety’s abilities. The Bacchanal stood at their decks, blending each song into one another, until all he could focus on was the beat that thrummed through him, connecting him to everyone in the room. 

Something in Khalid’s chest broke, and he felt tears tumble down his face. He was transfixed on Liam, who moved lithely to the music, his face in pure ecstasy. Liam caught him looking, and moved closer to him. He took Khalid’s hands, holding them in his, helping him move in time with the music. 

The shame, embarrassment and hatred that had coiled itself inside of him for so long, weakened its grip; he stood straighter, allowing himself to move and breathe with ease. He mirrored Liam’s moves, a laugh bubbling up in his throat. 

“You have a lovely smile.” Liam had to press his lips to Khalid’s ear to be heard over the music. His breath was warm, and Khalid could smell his cologne. His head felt dizzy, his thoughts fuzzy, like cotton. He’d never drank alcohol, or even gotten drunk, but if this is what it felt like, he could understand why so many enjoyed a tipple or two. Khalid giggled, allowing himself to be spun under Liam’s muscular arms. His dance partner dipped him before expertly pulling him back upright. Khalid’s head spun, and he held on tighter to Liam. 

They continued to move with the music, their bodies pressed together. He was aware that he was sweating through his t-shirt so that it stuck to his frame, but he didn’t care. 

A long fingernail traced its way down his back, and Khalid turned to meet the Bacchanal, who cupped their fingers under his chin, making him look at them. 

Giving him a beatific smile, the Bacchanal pressed their lips to his forehead, and gave the same blessing to Liam. 

“Here,” they said, gently squeezing his shoulder. “You are free to be yourself. You are safe here. My little cherub will look after you.” 

Before Khalid could say anything else, they had moved on, stopping at a group of dancers who were gyrating and lost within the bacchanalia. 

With the words of his deity in his head, Khalid swallowed his fear, and pressed himself closer to Liam. 

“May I kiss you?” The words felt thick on his tongue, and they tumbled out as he shouted over the bass line.

“I thought you would never ask!” Liam’s smile widened.

He tasted like grapes and summer. His lips were soft, his kiss gentle, but urgent. Khalid wanted to stay here, in this temple where he was safe and accepted, where he could kiss a man and not be stared at, or hated. Where he could love as he did. 

Liam pulled back, albeit reluctantly, his eyelids half closed. 

“I knew you’d be a good kisser,” he mumbled into Khalid’s shoulder. Khalid blushed, but rested his head on the crown of the man he had just kissed. He closed his eyes, content to dance in his lover’s arm, and himself, truly and wholly, for the first time. 

This may be his first bacchanalia, but it would not be his last.

[dark-orca-dynasty]

Finally, my OG emo boy! I should have drawn him in a The Smiths t-shirt but NIN is sooo much easier. Yes I have drawn Alpheus in more or less this exact same outfit. Don't @ me, it's easy and I could not be bothered drawing a second pair of boots. Maybe both the Aronnax and Alpheus' squid sub just have floors designed for wetsuit boots, who knows! Also I didn't bother flipping his hair around like I did for Alpheus because at this point Cain does not care about how he looks. and I also just could not be bothered.

Cain: Yeah so I have a job now, but the bloke who arranged it for me warned me that my boss would absolutely feed me to the sharks if I did anything to her daughter Finn: lmao, what's your job anyway? Cain: I'm interning with Kaiko Nekton on the Aronnax Finn: [✓ seen]

Cain was the edgy bad-boy love interest in my favourite book series in high school, and much like with Tallulah, I have just been sticking him wherever he fits in everything else I've gotten into since then. I've even managed to fit the two of them in a HTTYD AU that I never got around to writing.

Anyway he's the other friend mentioned in Finn's bio, the one whose mother walked out on him. He's the youngest of three brothers, and about a year older than Finn. The two of them wavered between inseperable and estranged depending on how recently Finn had talked to his mother and therefore how jealous Cain was feeling about her continued if distant presence in the younger boy's life. Later, once Tallulah showed up and befriended Finn, Cain alternated between being jealous that she spent time with the younger boy and desperate for an in with her because he himself continually managed to offend her.

He eventually manages to win her over with Finn's help, as just a friend, but his ex takes offense to that and turns out to be a far better shot than her mother was when she was chasing after Cain. Finn had already made plans to leave Heckmondwhite at that point, but Tallulah gets pulled from school after being shot leaving Cain with no friends in town and only Finn messaging him. He is not doing so great emotionally at this point, and his father manages to get a friend (Tallulah's dad, who canonically is something of a naturalist and studies mollusks) to figure out a way to get him out of town. Cain does not realise his father's friend is Tallulah's dad because the man is built like comic book wolverine and Cain was picturing someone more along the lines of Loki.

Kaiko agrees to take on an intern because she could use some help keeping her workspace in order and doesn't want to force her kids to do it and end up making them hate the lab. Someone who signed up for it, however, is free game. She's not exactly happy that Liam told the kid about the assault charge, but she did kind of owe the man a favour after how often he covered for her in Uni.

[dean-a-mean-tae]

Behind The Scenes of Outcast | Stray Kids Additional Member

Listen to LIAM explain his sixth and last song in his album, Damage. - Achievement Goals.

WARNINGS: Nick talks about how fans treat famous people, heartbeats, ?talk about depression? He doesn't say it but what he says could hit a little too close to home. idk

A/N: I wondered why my drafts hadn't gone down. I just realized this, and the comments for the last 2 posts were never posted, and now I'm annoyed.

Nicholas Ross Master List | Requested: Yes

Nicholas sits on a stool, wiping his hands. He hands the paper towel to a woman off-screen as he giggles at a joke they said.

"Hello, I'm Nicholas. You may know me as Liam," He says, nodding at the camera. "I'm here to talk about my last song, Outcast, from my album Damage."

"This is the last I'll be on here for a while," Nicholas pouted, and the camera crew groaned in displeasure.

𝙒𝙝𝙤 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙙𝙞𝙧𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙙𝙨?

"I wouldn't say it's directed to anyone." Nick shrugged his shoulders. He leaned back in his chair, popping his fingers as he continued, "The song is just telling people I won't fit into the mold they set for idols or black people."

"That's probably one of the shortest answers you've given," A man said. Other crew members mumbled agreements.

𝙒𝙝𝙤 𝙬𝙧𝙤𝙩𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙮𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙨?

"I did," Nicholas quipped, smiling at one of the women behind the camera. She laughed at the repeat of the last interview.

"No, but seriously," Nick chuckled as he dismissively waved his hand. He leaned back in his seat, scratching his chin in thought.

"I think I just got tired of hearing people argue about me. Some people wanted me to have a solo career, and others wanted me to stay in the group."

"It's annoying having other people trying to dictate your life," He grumbled, leaning to pop his back. 

"It's why so many famous people are miserable. People don't know how to detach themselves from others," Nick explained as he bounced his leg. He tilted his head side to side as he hummed in thought.

"You know..." He trailed off. Popping his neck, Nick continued, "One of my friends got in trouble because people saw him out with a girl and didn't want him to be in a relationship yet."

"That's disgusting," Someone whispered, and Nicholas shrugged.

"That's the life these so-called fans are forcing famous people to live," Nicholas huffed, blinking quickly before relaxing in his seat. He stares at the camera with dull eyes.

"You all don't realize that you make your idols miserable."

𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙗𝙚𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙜? & 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙘𝙚𝙨𝙨 𝙗𝙚𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙮𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙨?

Nicholas hummed in false amusement as he threw his head back. In this position, he could hear his heartbeat. It always beats at a fast pace. It's why he couldn't sleep sometimes. The beating was too loud in his mind.

He blinked, his eyes focusing again before he sat up. Nicholas huffed," There's a lot of hidden messages, you know?"

"A lot of hidden messages in the lyrics and the video," He repeated, leaning back to run his hands down his thighs. After wiping the sweat off his hands, Nick leaned his elbows on his knees. A cracking sound echoed as his spine popped.

"The video starts with me in a prison cell, right?" He asked. Waving his hand at the lyrics on the paper, Nick continued, "The lines talk about the door being locked, but I have the keys."

"The prison represents my mind and struggles," He said. Nick stretched his legs with another popping sound coming from his knees. 

Releasing a sigh of relief, he adjusted his seat before continuing, "The keys being in my hand means I struggle with freeing myself or not." 

"It's a never-ending battle."

"I asked fans all over to be in the music video," Nicholas giggled as he looked between the people behind the camera. 

A picture popped up next to him on the screen. It displayed the scene of Nicholas in the cage with people in black hoods everywhere. Nick tilts his head as he explains the scenes his fans were in, "They're surrounding the cage, but later, I let them in the cell to symbolize that people are in the same situation as me."

"Come up with a new song or something so you can come back," The director says, and the room erupts in shouts as everyone agrees. Nick chuckles as he pats the man on the shoulder before hugging him.

"I'll see what I can do."

Outcast Tweets

Nicholas Ross Master List

©️DEANAMEANTAE2024

Tags: @bada-lee-ily @jinnie-ret @hwxnghyynjin @foxilsdenn @rensahazard @mynameisnotlaura @lucianidealz @ziipzeepzop-eez @ilovejeongin007

You can be added by asking in the replies, sending me a message, or doing an ask thingy.

[narujenreacts]

Hi! I'm the guy who offered my insights on Murder Drones E5.

I know Cyn's visor has been analyzed before, what I did is figure out some of the words that fit in the obscured parts based on the shape, size, and partial letters. Here's what I have:

"Hello :

I see you are [discarded] (gap) [sorroful/sad]

I see you are inoperable - (gap) [[end]]

---- | [fD--t] [selfDestruct] [selfDestru [ ] - d [ ] end]]

I see we could [trl] [sct] (gap) [edit] for you

I will not discard you

[ ][ ][ ][ ][ ][Absolute[SysAdmin]

Access? Y/N

[.0001%]

I see you will be here for a while"

The important bits to me are:

The Solver isn't just displaying a boot-up message, it's talking to Cyn, saying how sad and awful her situation is, and asking to be let in (kinda vampire-style, needs to be invited in). I think the repeated 'selfDestruct' string is the shutdown code trying to take her offline again, and I think the Solver interrupts it and stops that, though I could be mistaken.

Most notably though, the line where it says [trl] [sct] has meaning in programming circles. Those usually stand for 'tech readiness level', a term used to define how far along a prototype is in development, and 'software compatibility test'. This is what most convinced me that the Solver isn't a corrupted internal program, but something from outside: it had to check if Cyn's OS could host it before it could offer the deal.

The other notable bit I found is more of a conjecture, but I found some indication that the Solver is related to the Yellow Sign, from Lovecraftian mythos. It's more just visual similarities from a symbol seen on the wall in E5, and a much better match under Nori's feet in E6, but to me it looks too compelling to be pure coincidence.

Anyway, I'd love to hear what you think!

Hey, Cookie! c:

It's funny, because while I had been able to figure out the text on Cyn's visor I have very little knowledge on coding, so I was not aware what the "[trt] [sct]" meant! You said it USUALLY stands for it, and while there's a chance it doesn't in Murder Drones, I'd lean more toward that it does. Especially when one of my theories was the Absolute Solver isn't just some random AI virus mutation, but possibly an alien, demon or some type of creature. Doesn't help that we see all those symbols and pentagram-like drawings in Tessa's room. Why are they there? Who drew them? Cyn? Tessa? Someone else? Were they used to summon the AS? I was able to find what 3 of the symbols mean, but I'll save that for the TiN E5 video. We know that it wasn't just a one-off thing either. In the teaser for E7&8 we see more evidence of there being a cult.

As for the Absolute Solver symbol (both the digital and organic version) looking like The Yellow Sign, it's for sure not a coincidence. We know from Liam that while he was developing the story for Season 1 he steered away from the "vampire + high school" story and in the direction of "Eldritch Lovecraftian horror," which has been evident from the design of holo spooky snake crab J and Cyn and the aforementioned AS symbol resembling The Yellow Sign.

[foxes-that-run]

Adore You

Or rather, let him adore who he wants.

The Adore You video is about how his fans treat Harry's partners. To Rolling Stone Harry said:

“This time I really felt so much less afraid to write fun pop songs. It had to do with the whole thing of being on tour and feeling accepted [...] It came late in the sessions: “Lights Up,” “Treat People with Kindness,” and “Adore You” were written in the final week this spring, in a burst of inspiration.

TPWK, Lights up and Adore You each have a message to fans:

Adore You's video asks fans to not make it impossible for him to date his partner(s) of his choosing

Lights up, Harry said it is about "stepping out on his own" the lyrics include "I'm not ever going back" (I infer to 1D)

TPWK is asking his fans to do just that, including him and the people he chooses to date.

Music Video

When asked by Capital FM (4:33) if Harry was the boy in the video, Harry first said it was a metaphor and he acted the part, then when followed up he said "it's a music video everyone!" The start of the video tells of superstitions and silly ideas. Everyone frowns, Harry has a brilliant smile. He is peculiar, the voiceover says:

No one ever meant to be mean towards him, but in a town grown used to how things were, no one knew what to do with something different.

Harry bottles up his rage, is depressed and goes to drown himself. He sees a fish and saving it saves Harry.

Who is the fish? When asked on SiriusFM, (3:00) Harry said, “Is the fish even a fish? Is the fish a metaphor? Who is the fish?” an Olivia is an emotion style answer to say the fish is a metaphor. There is

Taylor Swift has a famous Koi Guitar, called the Koi Living Jewel. the artwork reflects Taylor's guitar and the TVs refer to the fish as a Jewel Coat (Junior Jewel), However

The fish is grey like the salmon in a 1980 Children's book Louis the Fish. The book is about a vegetarian butcher who is turned into a fish. The book has an anti-vegetarian message. Harry is Pescatian. This is utter madness, it reminds me of him saying to Stern that sometimes his fans find unlikely similarities that aren't really there.

The fish is personifying his love for a partner and he is asking is fans to help and not attack the very real people he dates.

The fish constantly get's bigger, Harry does everything but the fish literally doesn't fit in his life. In the end he has to let the fish go and be alone because it is too hard for it to be with him.

The fish starts thrashing when the fisherman chops another fish. To me this is a metaphor for how the music industry and fans treats them. Harry repeats this in Music for a Sushi Restaurant where the shop only keeps him while is singing brings customers.

Seaview Cottage at 88 Seagull Lane is an easter egg for Harry's House (H= 8th letter) and Keep Driving: 'Choke her with a Seaview'. Seagull lane is a reference to Taylors shirt on the cover of 1989. And a townsperson receives a Message in a Bottle.

Harry eventually sails off alone powered by his screams. :(

When was it written

Harry said to Zane Lowe he played Liam Gallagher Fine Line in March 2019 but that Lights Up, Adore You and Treat People were all written later, in the last week. It was written with Amy Allen, who is based in LA. That places it after the Met Gala around 20 May 2019. He was in the studio on 15 May 2019.

Lyrics

Walk in your rainbow paradise (paradise) Strawberry lipstick state of mind (state of mind) I get so lost inside your eyes Would you believe it?

'Walk in your rainbow paradise' responds to Me!'s "Like a rainbow with all of the colors". Both refer to Out of the Woods "The rest of the world was black and white / But we were in screaming color.” Harry and Taylor refer to each other as all the colours. Me was released 4 weeks before Harry wrote Adore You.

Strawberry lipstick state of mind refers to Taylor's signature lip colour, referred to in Style 'Red Lip Classic thing you like' and Two Ghosts 'Same lips red, same eyes blue'.

You don't have to say you love me You don't have to say nothing You don't have to say you're mine

In Little Freak Harry expressed a similar idea of caring but not in a possessive way or asking for anything from her "I'm not worried about where you are / Or who you will go home to". This makes is clear they are not in a relationship.

Honey (ah) I'd walk through fire for you Just let me adore you Oh, honey (ah) I'd walk through fire for you Just let me adore you Like it's the only thing I'll ever do Like it's the only thing I'll ever do

Walk through fire means he is willing to go through the difficulty of fans not liking his relationships, he will lose fans, if his partner will just let him love them. In If I could Fly Harry said he would give up fame to be with his muse "I think I might give up everything, just ask me to"

Taylor sung about this difficulty dating Harry in:

Slut! "If they call me a slut / You know it might be worth it for once", and

Gold Rush "I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch / Everybody wants you / Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you"

They also described this as guns or bullets in I know places and Sign of the Times.

You're wonder under summer skies (summer skies) Brown skin and lemon over ice Would you believe it?

This verse is describing a summer romance, (Brown skin, Lemonade, Summer Skies) which Taylor also did in this period in Cruel Summer.

Harry talks about his muse as summertime and butterflies in Olivia. He also said he would brown his skin while they waited for him in the Sky in Golden.

You don't have to say you love me I just wanna tell you somethin' Lately you've been on my mind

A similar line is in Little Freak: " I'm not worried about where you are / Or who you will go home to, I'm Just thinkin' about you"

[tessa-liam]

Marabelle

Marabelle 

-4- The Beaumont Bash 

Book: Choices – The Royal Romance, an AU series 

Series Premise: An American teenager from New York City is introduced to the world of a small European country and its society of royalty, nobles, and commoners. How will her life story be transformed? Will this new adventure bring her happiness...or regret? 

Catch up: Masterlist 

Main Pairing: Liam Rys x F!OC Sophia (Sophie) 

Other Pairing: Maxwell Beaumont x M!OC Daniel (from NYC) 

                           Drake Walker x F!OC Melanie Smithson 

All characters belong to Pixelberry, except Sophia Taylor, Bethany Beaumont, Melanie Smithson, Tyler Gregson (Liam’s assistant), Elena (dress shop attendant) 

Rating: M*🔞Warnings: this series will have NSFW material, crude language. Not Beta’d: Please excuse all errors. 

Category: Alternate Universe/on-going series/angst/fluff 

Words: 2173

-4- The Beaumont Bash 

Chapter Summary: Sophie prepares for her first Beaumont Bash and is introduced to Bertrand’s love interest/Drake’s sister/future ally, Savannah Walker. 

Music Inspiration: Just the Way You Are, Bruno Mars 

   Love Story, Taylor Swift 

 A/N1: This is my submission for Choices April Challenge @choicesmonthlychallenge @lovealexhunt @aprilchallenge prompts, love is in the air, dinner, flower crown #april challenge 

A/N2: This is my submission for @choicesflashfics Week#30, Prompt3-  “That’s how the story goes.” 

A/N3: Bethany Beaumont, Maxwell’s mother, is originally from the US: is Barthelemy Beaumont’s 2nd wife. Annabelle Beaumont (deceased) was Bertrand’s mother. 

A/N4: Social Season in this AU series refers to a traditional period in the spring/summer for royalty and members of the court to take part in balls, dinner parties and charity events. 

A/N5: Thank you @peonierose for the inspirational quote!

Cordonian Capital...

It was a cloudy Tuesday morning in the Capital, which meant it was a good day to spend shopping. Keeping her promise to take her niece to the shopping district, Bethany smiled watching Sophie's excitement as the driver turned the Escalade SUV into the parking lot of an upscale formal wear boutique and parked alongside the floor to ceiling display window. 

“Duchess Bethany, good morning,” the elegant shop owner walked up to Sophie’s aunt in greeting as they entered the building. “This must be Lady Sophia, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”  

Gazing at the display mannequins, Sophie turned and smiled, greeting the well-dressed woman. 

“Hello, good morning; your dresses are gorgeous!” 

“Thank you, I have taken the liberty of pre-selecting a sampling of the latest trending styles for you and placed them in the dressing room. My assistant is at your service this morning for whatever you need. I am sure that you will find the perfect dress for the occasion.”  

A petite woman appeared alongside a Sophie. “Please follow me, my lady,” the shop tailer smiled. “My name is Elena.” 

*** 

After trying on several styles and colors, the dress she fell in love with was a deep burgundy red, an A-line V-neck asymmetrical satin dress. 

Standing on the pedestal inside the dressing room of the boutique, Sophie looked at her reflection in the three-way full length mirror, critically. 

“Auntie, I found my dress! What do you think?” 

Sophie took a selfie and sent it off to Daniel for his opinion. 

“Oh, my dear, it’s lovely! That color flatters your complexion and hair color perfectly.” 

“It is a pleasure fitting such a lovely figure...ahhh to be young again.” Elena tittered as she handed her a pair of gold heels to try. 

“Lady Sophia, these stilettos will give you some added height.”   

‘I feel like Cinderella!’ Sophie thought to herself as she slipped on the heels and stood up straight. Sending another picture to her best friend, she made sure to include the shoes. 

Sophie’s phone instantly pinged with Daniel’s return message:  

‘Girl, look at your killer legs! GET IT! 🔥🔥🔥’ 

Sophie giggled at his response, texting back, ‘OK, OK, don’t hold anything back, now🫡😁!'

Sophie clicked off her phone before reading Daniel's reply, 'can't wait to see you this weekend! 😘 '

*** 

The Beaumont Estate...

Maxwell browsed through the endless list of Netflix movies on his phone, looking for a movie line-up for tonight’s viewing. Tonight, being a Tuesday, was the weekly ‘Maxwell Movie Marathon’. Max was excited to introduce his cousin to her inaugural movie night, complete with New York style deep dish pizza and his infamous ‘Beaumont Brew’. 

“Hey Maxxy,” Savannah Walker walked into the theatre room giving her friend a hug.  

“Hi, Sav. What do you think of these movies for tonight?” 

Glancing at his phone, “Oooooo, I love ‘Dirty Dancing’! Are you sure your brother will approve?”  

Maxwell gave her a lopsided grin, “I’ve been telling him about my plans since my cousin arrived. You should have seen how much fun we had watching ‘Titanic’ together last Tuesday night.” 

Savannah, Drake’s little sister, has a crush on Bertrand, still unbeknownst to Bertrand. Maxwell knew, however. 

“Well, you are my guest tonight, so I will let you pick the second movie.” 

Without hesitating, “‘Pretty Woman’”, Savannah announced. 

“Ha, I see where you are going with that,” Maxwell cheekily replied. 

She laughed as she pulled out a chair next to Maxwell, who had taken a seat on the sofa.  

“You know what your brother is like. If he sees it being played out before him, he will see for himself, and then he will realize, 'that's how the story goes.’ Or at the very least, I hope so.” 

Maxwell looked at Savannah, shaking his head. "Ahhh, 'love is in the air.' You are getting desperate Sav. I hope he gets the hint....maybe you should wear a flower crown.” 

"Ha ha, Maxxy!" Savannah sighed, shaking her head.

*** 

Sophie walked through the estate doors, returning with her aunt, after spending the day shopping. Feeling the excitement building up within her, she went up the grand staircase quickly, turned to the right and sprinted to her bedroom, depositing her parcels on top of her bed. 

After putting away her new shoes, and hanging the garment bag into her walk-in closet, Sophie looked at the gift she selected for Liam. The Swarovski crystal paperweight, with a gold inlay, was a miniature statue of liberty. Sophie thought back to the conversation she shared with him the day she was introduced to Marabelle. Liam was fascinated with the fact that Sophie had visited the monument many times. Even though the prince had visited New York City a handful of times, his advisors dictated that visiting the tourist attraction was a safety risk. With his security detail constantly ghosting his movements, this symbol of freedom was elusive for him.  

Similar to Liam, Sophie shared a love of history and described her visits to the statue and to Ellis Island. Liam was entranced with her insights and her knowledge of the backstory and meaning of the monument. 

The gold inlay was engraved with the inscription, ‘your breath of freedom.’ A moniker, Liam gave to Sophie that day. 

*** 

Walking into the theatre room, the smell of pizza wafting through the air, Sophie spotted Maxwell sitting comfortably on the sofa. He waved her over to sit beside him, handing her a tall cocktail glass of a blue liquid. 

“Okay, Max, I give up.” 

Sophie smirked at her cousin, taking a whiff of the drink. 

“Ohhh, this smells so good. What’s in it?” 

“Rum, vodka, blue curacao, pineapple juice, lime juice and ice.” 

“Don’t forget your secret ingredient.” Savannah giggled. 

“Hence. Secret. Ingredient!” Maxwell retorted. 

“Hi, it’s Sophie, right?” Savannah smiled at Sophie, and swatted Maxwell. 

As Maxwell feigned an injury, his eyes went wide when he realized that he didn’t introduce his cousin. 

“Yeah, Maxwell!” Sophie extended her hand in greeting and then poked Maxwell in the ribs. 

“What would Bertrand think?” Sophie teased. 

“I am certainly not impressed Maxwell.” Bertrand huffed and walked past his brother sitting on the wingback across from the sofa. 

Maxwell felt his cheeks redden. “What’s wrong with me?” Maxwell asked. “I’m always nice to people.” 

“You’re being sarcastic, aren’t you?” Sophie raised an eyebrow. 

“Yes, yes I am.” Maxwell challenged his brother, staring him down. 

Savannah stood up and motioned to Sophie to come with her to get pizza. 

“Yes, I am starving, good idea.” Sophie stood up to also get pizza with Savannah. 

“Wait! You didn’t select the movie you want to watch, Soph.” Maxwell bounded up following Sophie to the pizza.  

“Umm, let’s see...I know! “How about...’The Conjuring’?” Sophie answered. 

“Ooaa, scary! Love it!” Maxwell pulled out his phone to add it to the movie queue. 

*** 

After the first movie ended, Savannah moved over to sit beside Sophie and grabbed a handful of jelly beans from the candy bowl. 

“So how did you like the first movie?”  

Sophie smiled. “Honestly? I have seen it now for the fourth time.” Savannah laughed, “for me, it’s the third time; I really wish they had that type of dance in the clubs here in Cordonia.” 

“Savannah is originally from Texas and is still getting used to the slower pace of courtly life here.” Maxwell sighed. 

“Really, now I am curious. What should I expect at the Bash on Saturday?” Sophie looked puzzled at Savannah and Maxwell. 

“It’s a pretty informal event, but there’s also going to be formal dancing after dinner. It’s a tradition here, especially with both princes attending.” Maxwell explained. 

“Prince Leo has a reputation for being a bit of a ladies' man, even though he is betrothed to Madeleine. So, I imagine you might see some interesting things happening.” Savannah added. 

“Interesting how?” Sophie wondered aloud. 

“Well, the last time he attended, one of the guests was Princess Marguerite. She was dressed in a very revealing outfit, and Prince Leo was seen dancing with her quite a few times throughout the evening,” Savannah explained. 

“Madeleine was livid and threw her drink in his face.” Maxwell chuckled. 

“It is very unbecoming to gossip about members of court.” Bertrand interjected. “Sophia, don’t let these comments discolor your opinion of the noble life here in Cordonia.” 

Changing the subject, Savannah asked, “What types of music do you like to dance to, Sophie?” 

“Oh, I love dancing! But I never went to any clubs; only at parties or school events.” 

“What types of music will be played after dinner this Saturday?” 

“Mostly current pop music with the exception of the first dance. That is the one dance you can count on to be played by the orchestra. The Cordonian Waltz.” 

“It’s a tradition for the King to dance with the senior noble of the house to open the dance floor for the guests.” 

“For this Beaumont Bash, Crown Prince Leo will dance with my mother,” Maxwell added. 

“Which reminds me, Sophie, I need to teach you how to dance this waltz.” 

“Me? Why me?” Sophie challenged her cousin. 

Without giving anything away to Sophie about Saturday and the planned surprise birthday celebration, he explained, “just in case you are asked to dance by Prince Liam.” 

*** 

As the evening winded down, Savannah prepared to go home.  

“Hey Savvy,” Sophie called out to her new friend.  

“Can I ask you something?” 

“Sure,” Savannah smiled. 

“Do you have any advice for me about how to fix my hair for the Bash?” 

“Why are you asking me this? I mean, you have such beautiful hair!” 

“Yeah, well...I was thinking of wearing a half up-do and I need someone to help me pin it. Auntie Beth will be busy preparing for the dinner.” 

“I would love to, I will get Drake to drop me off here an hour early on Saturday.” 

*** 

It was the evening of the Beaumont Bash and Sophie was brushing her long, auburn hair. Sophie stared at her reflection in the mirror of the bathroom vanity. 

Savannah was coming upstairs to help with her hair in a few minutes, and she had just finished applying her makeup. 

‘Okay, Soph... tonight is the Bash...why are you so nervous?’ 

After dabbing her perfume on her neck and wrists, she slid the gold upper arm bracelet cuff into place, followed by her mother’s gold locket necklace around her neck.  

Savannah knocked lightly on her bedroom door and opened it slowly. 

“Are you ready for me?” 

“Almost, come in, Savannah,” Sophie called. 

***

Bertrand walked toward Sophie as she stepped off the grand staircase.

Taking her hand, he moved her toward the ornate double doors of the ballroom.

"Are you ready, my dear?"

Taking a deep breath Sophie replied, "yes".

Offering his arm, she slipped her hand around his arm and together they moved forward.

"Presenting his grace, Duke Bertrand Beaumont of Ramsford escorting Lady Sophia Taylor of House Beaumont."

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[simmerandwrite]

Lower The Stakes [02] - Bucky After Dentist

Summary: Bucky Barnes still isn’t sure of his place in the world. For Haley Fisher, making new friends has always felt like a challenge. Though getting a second chance at life gave her the opportunity to reinvent herself and determine where she fit into the world again. It’s time to shift the expectations and determine what she really wants. How does that old classic go? ‘I get by with a little help from my friends.’

(Aka the post Falcon and the Winter soldier friends-to-lovers mini series no one asked for, featuring one ‘grumpy but warming up’ centenarian and one ‘coming into her own’ plus sized original character!) Ready the pre-story here

Chapter summary:  Breaking news tonight at eleven: 106 year old man has his wisdom teeth removed

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x plus size original character

Word count: 3.8k

Parts: Part 01 Part 02 Part 03 Part 04 Part 05 Part 06 Part 07

Notes/warnings: some negative self talk, anxious habits, body shaming! if you see me out interacting in the wild, it’ll be under @simmerandcry​

---

Part 02 - Bucky After Dentist

Even after her long, long shower, Haley still felt emotionally exhausted. The last thing she wanted to do was go beyond her apartment walls, although she knew she would benefit from a change of scenery and the entire day ahead belonged to her. She hoped going out and doing something would cleanse herself of the god awful dinner she had suffered through the night before.

Her mother’s voice still echoed in her mind: ‘Honey, most people who lost those five years of their life seem to be trying to catch up. Time is fleeting. Women can only safely have children before they’re 35 you know.’ 

Haley had politely tried to sail beyond that topic. Her mother’s favourite talking point - how Haley was running out of time to become a thinner and better version of herself to land a husband. 

Heather Fisher-Nelson had carried on without even an ounce of hesitation throughout their evening, as if she enjoyed needling into her daughter’s insecurities on purpose. In those moments, when her mother used every single triggering buzzword against her as they pretended to enjoy salads for dinner, Haley knew her childhood therapist would have brought up fancy words like ‘projection’ and ‘fears’ and her mother’s ‘need for control’. She would have encouraged Haley to defend herself, wearing thick skin like armour, deflecting, ignoring. 

Haley was just tired of it. Truthfully, the only reason why she maintained a relationship with her mother now was because Haley hated the idea of being left out of her brother’s life and she feared her mother would use that against her.

Liam, who had been only four when Haley vanished, was her very favourite person. Haley considered him one of the only good things that came out of her mother’s marriage to John. They had produced an absolutely charming, clever, wholesome son - who was now nine, nearly ten. Haley had literally blinked and missed five years of his life and she didn’t want to jeopardize losing any more time with him. He had nearly been enough of a reason for her to stay in Florida.

Now, she settled for visiting a few times a year and frequent FaceTime dates. Plus, when her mother and step-father were in town for whatever reason, Haley made an effort to see them just to keep the peace. If she could call it a silver lining of some sort, during this particular visit John had some sort of business event to attend to so dinner had just been Haley and her mother.

Over 12 hours later, Haley was still reeling from the entire interaction. She resisted rolling her eyes when her phone buzzed on the bathroom counter, assuming it was some follow up snide comment or a link to a ‘great deal on meal replacement shakes’. 

Instead of acknowledging whatever painful message it could be, Haley looked at herself hard in the mirror and went through the motions of her daily pep talk. What was it that her older sister Hannah always said? Positive affirmations can change your life, Hales.

“You are capable and confident,” Haley muttered to herself as she splashed water against her face. The raw skin surrounding her fingers stung as she applied her toner and moisturizer.

“You are in control of your destiny.” Trying not to wince, Haley gently applied band-aids to the worst of her chewed fingers, mentally cursing herself for leaning into that anxious habit again. What did healthy cuticles even look like?

“You are a beautiful soul who deserves love.” That one made her choke with laughter. She supposed there was some sort of trick behind faking self love but damn, her sunken eyes, frizzy hair and wide stomach made it all seem impossible on mornings when her confidence was so crushed. 

Her phone buzzed again and her shreds of laughter faded. When she read the event reminder in the notification tray, her eyes went wide as she checked the time.

Fuck. Right. She did have to leave her apartment because she had promised Bucky a ride home from an appointment. He had called her the night before to confirm, just as she was heading out to dinner.

Thank God past-Haley had enough sense to schedule the reminder in her phone for a few hours before when she needed to be there. She still had to go grab her car from the overpriced lot she paid to keep it in.

With one more heavy sigh she composed herself. This gave her something to do, this gave her a reason to get some fresh air and not spend the entire day wallowing. Instead it would be a half day of wallowing.

Yes, she was in control of her own destiny.

 -- 

Bucky had little to no recollection of the medical care he received while under Hydra’s control. Those decades of his life still felt like a strange dream - an out of body experience he couldn’t repress or clear out from his mind entirely. He knew that his body healed at a different rate than average humans but some things still felt abnormal. 

Much to his dismay, his high pain tolerance that had been a benefit to Hydra was coming back to haunt him now. It had been a very strange chance meeting a few weeks ago - travelling to meet Sharon uptown, running into Dr. Banner, and, in confidence, revealing his ongoing toothache and jaw pain. Though he wasn’t a medical doctor, Bruce knew enough about human physiology to recognize the signs of impacted wisdom teeth. 

So now Bucky found himself at a Saturday afternoon appointment with a specialized dental surgeon, a personal friend of Bruce, to have his wisdom teeth removed. They walked him through the whole procedure and although Bucky felt uncomfortable asking, Haley had kindly agreed to be his point of contact after the appointment. Even though he had accelerated healing, the medical team would not permit him to leave on his own.

It was funny, in a way. He took a strange comfort in knowing Haley was going to be waiting for him when the whole thing was over. Truthfully, he was scared out of his mind about the whole procedure. Despite what his recovery had been like in Wakanda, he knew there were leftover wounds and triggers when it came to these sorts of things. Sitting in a medical chair, taking an injection, trusting doctors - he had come far enough but Christ, he was worried about what could go wrong. 

But - he survived. After about 30 minutes of agonizingly slow progress through the entire process, and the long wait to see the doctor afterwards, he came out on the other side very alive and very much still Bucky Barnes.

Well, he was mostly himself, at least.

 --

The address Bucky had provided to Haley was super nondescript. Even after she secured a parking spot outside the building in Midtown, she couldn’t help but feel skeptical about the whole thing. Suddenly she couldn’t stop herself from doubting the information Bucky had given her or if she should trust him in the first place.

Even if they had only known each other for so long, there was something about him that made her feel like he was genuinely good. But despite that, she still had some reservations. When she buzzed into the building, she was surprised to see such a sleek, modern office ahead of her.

A straight faced nurse greeted her and confirmed her identity more than once before instructing her to sit and wait in the barren foyer. Haley did as she was told, clutching her phone in one hand while she took in her surroundings. How did she get here again? Picking up her friend Bucky from a hidden office building? Where was he getting an undisclosed procedure? 

Before she had time to let more doubts surface, someone was walking towards her. Haley tipped her head up to meet the kind gaze of who she assumed was a doctor, judging by the clipped name badge at his waist and the stethoscope hanging over his shoulders. 

“Miss Fisher?” The man motioned his head towards the hall as Haley stood, introducing himself as Dr. Kapur. He briefly explained the procedure and what had happened. 

“Just wisdom teeth?” Haley clarified, nodding along. “Is he okay?”

“Oh yes,” the doctor assured her. “James is just a special patient - given his, well, cellular recovery time. I imagine he’ll be over the pain much quicker than the average person. But..” He paused when they stopped outside the door. “Despite our previous plans, he opted to forgo the full anesthesia before the procedure today.”

Her eyes grew wide. “You mean..”

“He was awake for the whole procedure. Although we did everything we could to ensure he didn’t feel any pain during the removal, the dosage of painkillers we’ve given him now have left him a bit out of sorts.”

When he pushed through the door, Haley’s eyes flew open again when she saw Bucky sitting upright on the chair. He was holding an ice pack up against his right cheek and he was grinning at the nurse. And even though he was drooling, it didn’t seem to stop him from being especially chatty. 

“I’m tellin’ you, my friend Sam. He’s great. He’d love to take ya’out.” The gauze padding between Bucky’s teeth made it sound like he was speaking through a mouthful of marbles. 

“Uh huh. Sure, honey. Set me up with Captain America then. Give him my number,” the nurse responded playfully, taking another look at him before glancing back at the chart on the screen. “How are you feeling?”

“Light an’ fluffy,'' Bucky muttered back before turning his head. “Haley Fisher! You came.”

“You asked me to pick you up,” Haley replied quickly, taking a step further into the room.

“I know, I know.” Bucky’s head seemed to be nodding like a bobble head. “But you’re here now.”

“Yes, I am,” Haley said slowly. “You think you’re ready to go?”

Bucky’s head turned toward the doctor now, eyebrows raised. “Whattayasay?”

Haley grimaced as his words slurred. “How long will this last?” Although she found Bucky’s lighthearted rapport quite amusing, she couldn’t help but worry about how she was going to lug him home. Thank god her car wasn’t parked too far away.

“I think he is fine to be released,” Dr. Kapur said with a warm smile. “This brain fog shouldn’t last too long for him but sleep will certainly help.” He took another look at Bucky. “You aren’t in any pain currently, James?”

Bucky’s bobble head tipped side to side. “Pain.. nah. There is no pain.”

All the office staff were helpful as Haley headed to the door with Bucky. She was just grateful he was managing to walk on his own, although she did keep her hand clamped to his bicep to steady him once they got onto the sidewalk. 

God, his arms were firm.

“Wooooaaaah.” A surprised noise came from Bucky’s mouth as they approached her car, releasing his hand holding onto the ice - which promptly fell to the ground. “Look at this..”

Haley sighed and let go of him, bracing and making sure he was steady before she picked up the compress. The dirty New York sidewalk had already ruined it. When she turned her attention back to Bobble Head himself, he was leaning forward and staring through the passenger window of the vehicle.

“You have a car. In Manhattan.”

“Yes,” Haley replied as she unlocked it, reaching in front of him to open the door and encourage him inside. “Isn’t that why you recruited me for this drive home?”

It was one of the only redeeming qualities about her stepfather - strange generosity and buying Haley’s approval. John Nelson owned multiple car dealerships, rental units and a chain of motels in the Volusia County region. And when Haley got her job offer to return upstate, he had gifted her a shiny red car. It wasn’t especially fancy but he had made a point to ‘get her something nice’. The whole thing had made Haley roll her eyes more than once but she knew she had to be grateful.

Not that having a car in Manhattan was necessary, she supposed there was a time and a place when it came in handy. Like when your newish friend needed a supervised ride home from the oral surgeon.

By the time Haley made it to the drivers side of the car, Bucky was slumped over in his own seat with his head lolled to the side, looking at her. 

“I recruited you for this task.. ‘Cause I trust you,” he muttered, eyes closing slowly. 

Haley wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to that. She wondered how Bucky could deem her as trustworthy already, considering they still barely knew each other. Maybe it was her energy or the fact that she was so seriously non-threatening as a person. It made her pause for another few seconds too, because she had to think if she trusted him. 

She decided that yes, she did trust Bucky. 

She couldn’t pinpoint why because it was all kind of crazy. A sane person wouldn’t go into a strange building and pick up some former superhero from his secret appointment. Then voluntarily get in a car with them.

Although, as she looked over at Bucky, softened features and swollen cheeks included, she couldn’t help but smile at the sight. Sane was overrated.

“Hey.” She nudged him gently with her elbow. “Stop drooling on the leather. And I don’t even know your address so I need some bearings to get you home safely.”

Bucky complied, delivering his address in a mostly coherent sentence, not before quickly wiping his drool off his lip and chin. With narrowed eyes, he watched Haley closely.

“What happened to your hand?” He immediately realized it wasn’t the right question to ask, given how quickly she curled her fingers around the steering wheel and tried to hide her wide eyed forward stare.

“Oh. Uh.” Haley considered confiding in Bucky, seeing how in that moment especially his head appeared to still be up in the clouds and maybe he wouldn’t remember her confession. But what would that achieve without more context? Pity? She chewed on her lip, flicking her gaze downwards to the bandages taped to her cuticles. “Just dry skin.”

Without looking over at him, she had a hunch that Bucky didn’t believe her. But if that was the case, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he changed the subject altogether and suddenly Haley was on the receiving end of a jumbled pitch about why Bucky thought he should adopt a cat. At least he stopped drooling.

 --

Bucky ran and ran and ran until he couldn’t feel his feet anymore. From a hard concrete basement, up cracked steps, opening the door at the top only to find another set of stairs. Not freedom, not yet. He kept running, breath heavy in his chest. He had to keep going. He had to find the door that let him escape, that let him be free, that let him start a new chapter.

A hand grabbed for his shoulder and he was back at the beginning, strapped to a chair in a dark room. He pulled himself free again, ignoring the strange feeling in his mouth, and started to run once more. He had to find the door. He needed to open the right door. Up the stairs he went again and again, his feet slapped against each step. 

His head buzzed.

No, that was a phone. A ringing phone.

Bucky’s eyes flew open and he sat up in his head, chest heaving as he figured out his bearings. 

Oh. He had been dreaming. He wasn’t trapped in a dark room, he was in his bedroom, in his little Brooklyn apartment. He stretched out his hands and gripped the sheets beside his legs, breathing slowly as he slowed down his heart rate. An ache echoed through his head, from his forehead down through his jawline.

Right. Wisdom teeth. Or lack thereof.

Sam had insisted Bucky call and let him know how it went but clearly Bucky had failed that task, given the amount of missed calls and messages from Sam.

He sat up on his bed and reached for the phone, promptly dialing Sam back.

“Wow, you’re alive.”

Bucky figured that was a new record, Sam eliciting an eye roll from him before he even responded. “Sorry, I’ve been asleep.”

“I was about to pull the trigger on that background check you adamantly swore against for whoever this lady was picking you up today. How you feelin’ pal?”

Bucky pushed himself off the bed, stretching his neck back and forth as he moved across his bedroom. He would never admit it to Sam directly, but that stupid mattress and bed he had invested him had been a godsend. 

“I’m fine. A little light headed I guess.”

“Yeah, cause they took out all your wisdom, grandpa.”

“Ha. Ha.”

“Switch to video. I want to see those swollen cheeks.”

“You’re insufferable, Sam.”

Bucky stilled, shushing Sam’s reply when he heard a noise coming from his front door. Not just any noise either, it was his door opening. He quieted Sam’s next comment on the line, back pressed against a section of wall in his bedroom while he figured out what to do. Was someone breaking into his place?

He heard a few paper bags rustling and a few footsteps and then -

“Bucky?"

Haley’s voice sounded out from the main room of his apartment and Bucky let out a relieved sigh, shifting on his feet and heading through his bedroom door towards the kitchen. He found Haley there unpacking a few things from a grocery bag.

Bucky tapped on his phone, turning his attention back to Sam. “I’ll call you back.”

“Is that her? Your lady friend?”

“Stop saying lady. Bye Sam.” By the time Bucky had hung up, his earlier memories started swimming back slowly: Haley helping him upstairs into his apartment, ignoring her questions about how he had no food in his fridge and how his jaw might hurt too much to eat solid foods, giving her his keys, collapsing into his bed. 

She smiled at him as he approached, though he noticed her hesitant stance. “Hey, you’re awake. That wasn’t much of a nap. How are you feeling?"

Bucky nodded, lips pursed. “Yeah, good. Did I.. uh.. Did we argue before?”

She smirked, pausing her unpacking and brushing a hand through her hair. “I wouldn’t call it an argument. But you did get very frustrated when I insisted I would go grab a few groceries for you.”

His eyes scanned over the food and he tried not to wince at her kindness. “Let me pay you back for this, at least.”

“Oh, so you don’t remember whipping out a crisp fifty dollar bill from your secret stash?” She waved her hand, retrieving some money from her pocket. “Here’s your change, grandpa.” When Bucky silently accepted the bills, Haley continued on. “I grabbed you some soup, Jello cups, popsicles, potatoes - although you would have to actually boil those and mash them...” She trailed off. “You kind of strike me as the type who will only eat out of necessity so I wanted to make sure you were set up for success.”

“That's very.. Thank you, you didn’t have to do that. The ride home was more than enough.” He picked up a package of the Jello, which was an unusually bright green colour. “I don’t know if I want to eat this.”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic.” She clapped her hands together as the silence rested between them. “But now that you are awake and conscious, I think I’ll be on my way home. Unless you need anything else?”

Bucky felt a strange twist of something in his chest as he took in her question. A part of him was just so grateful that she spent time on him - driving to the clinic, shuttling him home, ensuring he was prepared with enough food to survive. He hoped he had been honest enough expressing that gratitude, that his appreciation went well beyond what he could articulate. Because after a long time of hard, hard people and situations and walls - Haley was refreshing and soft and kind. 

“I don’t need anything else, no.” Bucky faltered as she headed towards the door with a nod. His eyes met hers and god, he hoped he was expressing his feelings effectively. “Thank you again, Haley.”

When she grabbed the door handle, she turned back quickly. “Oh. Your keys.” She reached into the back pocket of her jeans and extended her hand out, dropping the keychain into his palm. “I promise I didn’t make a copy, in case your mind is going to some outlandish security scenario right now.”

His eyes widened for a second, then a smirk appeared on his face. “Well, I wasn’t until you mentioned it.” With a flick of his wrist the keyring spun around his finger. “Nah, I meant what I said earlier - I trust you, Fisher.” His eyes narrowed, though one eyebrow raised playfully. “I get the feeling you’d only be copying it for some crazy altruistic reason. Like filling up my cupboard with canned goods.”

That got a laugh out of her and Bucky relaxed a touch. “You can’t survive on just bread, eggs and hotsauce. Your fridge is a sad state, Barnes.”

Although he knew the pain in his cheeks wouldn’t last very long, he took some comfort in knowing his food choices were safe for the next few days. 

The next few days. God, what did those even look like? He was waiting on some info from Sam about a new lead they might need to research so Bucky was at the ready. But now, while he came down from this entire surgery situation - which involved some very clear self talk and constant reminders about his gratitude for freedom and medical care - he wasn’t sure how to fill his time. Maybe Haley would want to..

No, his sad looking apartment wasn’t a place where he could host a friend. What would they do? Sit on the floor to watch a movie together?

“Now before you thank me again, I’ve gotta head home.” Haley’s follow up commentary freed Bucky’s racing mind. She tilted her head and gave Bucky one last smirk before she crossed the threshold of his doorway, giving him a small wave as she departed. “Try not to clench your jaw too much!” 

Bucky took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. Okay, he had survived. He came out on the other side very alive and very much still Bucky Barnes, minus some teeth. And for some reason he couldn’t quite pinpoint, the fact that Haley had been there to get him home safely had washed away a lot of his fears. 

--

Bucky (4:32PM): [IMG_155] Bucky (4:32PM): this jello was disgusting Haley (4:35PM): and yet you ate the whole thing? Bucky (4:37PM): I can’t waste it Bucky (4:40PM): the second cup tasted a bit better Haley (4:41PM): I didn’t realize I subscribed to Bucky’s Food Reviews but I am here for it Haley (4:42PM): also a selfie? I’m impressed Haley (4:43PM): now your cute chipmunk cheeks will forever be saved to my phone memory

--

next: a summer heat wave

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Tues 8 June ‘21

Harry recorded a message that was played at the Stoneman Douglas High School graduation; SD is the school in Parkland Florida that in 2018 became the site of the deadliest school shooting in US history. Harry has consistently been a vocal supporter of the student activism to curb gun violence that followed the shooting (it was when he added the Stop Gun Violence stickers to his guitar and he spoke about it before when playing near there on HSLOT, for example, as well as signing on to things and donating money and talking about the bravery of the young women leading the effort in particular). “You are an incredibly strong group of people and I have no doubt that you’ll all do incredible things whatever you chose to do in the future, so good luck, love each other and be nice to each other and I hope at some point I’ll get to see you guys,” he said in the video.

A blurry blob in a blue hoodie in London last night was said to be him, out for a stroll, Don’t Worry Darling was announced to be set for release next year, and some fans literally chased Harry and Olivia down the street while filming them against their wishes (recently, not today, seems like she might be back in the US with Jason now that his filming is wrapped) and then people tried to blame their behavior on... larries?? UM did larries possess them and force them to literally chase a person asking to be left alone I DON’T BELIEVE SO, I am BEGGING you guys to quit listening to anything anyone on twitter says. My Policeman is filming in Hitchin, at a location reported by local media to be “shrouded in mystery”, but I’m pretty sure the hordes gathered to peep at filming have killed any aura of mystery at this point. They are working on location at a pool in Butts Close (YEAH I KNOW) and are apparently besieged with fans, some of whom managed to get more pictures of a blurry blob said to be Harry- this time in tiny yellow short shorts (2021/1950 version)!

Niall and Anne Marie’s Tonight Show performance aired! Anne Marie’s black and white cheetah print lined three piece outfit is amazing, like Niall is pushing the envelope a little with shapes and fits but her look takes center stage I’m afraid; anyway also they sound great and are cute, yes yes.

Liam has been in his discord lots, commenting on things and polling people. Current polls, yes no or wtf about NFTs, which landslide result (wtf) got him to say yeah okay I’ll make an explainer, and should we rename my fandom which resulted in a chat for people to make suggestions. About front runner Paynedora’s Box (Liam’s own amazing suggestion) he said “it came to me as I thought it meant every type of fan is a possibility, never know what you’re going to encounter.” Yes plus Pandora’s Box was full of demons! Apt indeed though Liam’s fans are sweeter than some, it’s true. He gives a little love to Champaynes too, which is good though given our boy’s struggle with alcohol addiction I’ll stick with my vote for the first one. He posted from an “impromptu night photoshoot” (about which his hair guy said “bringing the grit back, prepping for a very exciting launch…”), followed NFT co-creator Gabe Damast who later posted some behind the scenes talk about the making of Lonely Bug (with glimpses!) and the page for animated film Ron’s Gone Wrong, which he commented about (“this looks amazing!”), liked a Lonely Bug fanart of the bug with his face on it, and signed on to a UNICEF letter, along with 28 other celebs, asking the G7 (rich countries) to donate vaccines for distribution where most needed. And he was seen today at a Top Golf! An employee posted a distanced pic with him. Also btw those necklaces he’s been wearing all the time lately are apparently diamonds and are £50k each, but he wasn’t wearing them for golf time at least.

And additional bits from Liam’s interview from yesterday because it’s REALLY LONG, one recap wasn’t enough-- Liam said he definitely has not yet figured out what makes him happy (which makes me sad although also, normalize not having it all figured out in your 20s I don’t think that’s unusual) and talked about the difficulty of figuring out what to do when you’ve already accomplished your life goal so young, he mentioned the people speaking out against the X Factor and that he thinks there needs to be a care system for people in those shows, and said “find you a man who looks at you like Russell Brand looks at you when he’s listening to your stories, he looks into your soul,” and when host Steve talks about meditating naked says “now that’s what I want to think about!” (they’d been talking about what to focus your thoughts on for meditation). He said he wants to experiment with the way he does promo, specifically to wait to see if a song is doing well before doing press tours that might not have any point and that he thinks the industry is in a place where they need to throw out the old molds, and he talked about the industry wasting money on things they don’t need to do for promo. “You have your fanbase, grow it organically, properly,” he said, which is so much more true for any one of the 1D boys than anyone else, for sure, and it makes sense he’d say this stuff not just for the obvious reasons- we’ve all seen how badly labels have fallen short with post 1D solo stuff- but also because the 1D fandom always has been in a position out at the forefront of new ways that fan engagement work (as Liam points out, he talked about the perfect storm of the rise of twitter trends and of 1D) and modeling what will be next for other artists, so trying to fit it into old boxes doesn’t make sense, and it’s still true. Other solo artists simply DON’T HAVE the same kind of fandom these five do, and trying to market them the same way you would any random artist is just throwing away money and engagement! So it is exciting to see these guys take the lead on their own stuff and experiment with new ways of doing things, and Liam is smashing it at that.

[bbrandy2002]

Fool’s Rush In

Chapter 18

Pairing: Liam x Riley

Book: TRR AU

Warnings: Language, crude talk, and the usual bad writing.

I had planned from the beginning to end this series after the next chapter and an epilogue, but call me crazy, I love it too much. So while this part of the story will end, I still plan to update with one-shots or stories from time to time. If you’re just done with it, let me know.

Also, this chapter felt a little off to me, so I apologize if it's terrible, but I think I ended on a good note.

Thanks @burnsoslow for prereading.and usage of your girl, who finally got to make her debut.

---------------------------------

"Damn it, Riley! Pick up!" Liam grumbled as he lowered the cell phone from his ear and tossed it in the seat beside him. The royal jet had been in the air for a little over four hours already, and he'd grown frustrated at getting her voice mail each time. Surely, she was home by now. 

Even though it was the middle of the night in Las Vegas, it was worth interrupting her. He had tried unsuccessfully to contact Riley since he packed his bags earlier and hastily headed for the airstrip. By this point, there must have been a dozen or so messages left on her phone without so much as a hint she'd gotten them. 

While time wasn't an issue -- he'd get to Las Vegas one way or the other -- it was the desperation to hear from his new wife and tell her he knew precisely why she left. 

And that he loved her.

Tilting his head back against the headrest, he swiveled side-to-side in his luxury chair while tightly clutching his freshly poured scotch. The security footage he watched earlier that morning replayed in his mind again. There were no doubts about what it showed: Madeleine confronted Riley outside their quarters just minutes after leaving the ball. Without sound, however, no one could ascertain specifically what was said among the two women. It was clear though,  Riley was not a willing participant in that conversation. When they saw the disk held up in the Countess' hands, and the look of sheer horror on his pussycat's face, that told Liam all he needed to know. This was a blackmail situation, plain and simple, that included assault; those flowers he found scattered on the ground when he returned to his quarters last night all made sense now. This act was deliberate and treasonous, and Liam would ensure his ex-fiancee paid handsomely for it. 

After they viewed the footage several more times, the Royal Guard was immediately summoned to Krona to find Madeleine and take her into custody. Liam knew it was a long shot whether his guards could pull that sting off, but he was working with what he had at the moment.

Despite whatever happened next, there was one thing the King was confident of: He was prepared to give up his entire Kingdom to get his girl back. Returning to Cordonia without her was not an option.

Shaking his tumbler of partially melted ice cubes, Liam leaned forward and steadily poured another bottle of scotch into his glass. As soon as he sat back and raised the fresh beverage to his lips, he was startled by the ringing of his cell phone. In a rush to answer, he hastily set the drink aside and snatched his phone up from where he tossed it earlier. 

"Hello! Love?" He answered, hopeful it was her.

"Hey, little brother. Love you too ... Say, do you know if the palace has a Spanish tickler or a breast ripper? Asking for a friend."

Liam furrowed his brows in confusion before rising from his seat, plopping a knee down on its cushioned bottom, and glancing to the back of the plane. "Leo? Why are you calling me? We're on the same damn plane. I'm looking right at you."

"Nevermind that. Listen, I figured out a way to take care of Madeleine once and for all. Behold ..." Leo held up a leather-bound book and waved it over his head while Liam squinted from the front of the plane to get a better look. "... The King Constantine Guide To Fucking Torture In The 21st Century; Father gave it to me after my investiture ceremony. The way I see it, there really is no other option here than to tie her to a tree in front of the palace, invite the public to watch for a modest fee, and do some cool shit with iron rods and spikes. I got dibs on the knee-splitter, though."

"Leo ..." Liam began to warn his brother how ridiculous that plan was before stopping himself and staring off into the distance for a moment in thought. "Wait ... is there anything about flaying in that book?"

"Hell yeah there is! And if you're interested in thumbscrews, my buddy, Pete, has a trunk full of them. He uses them for ass play, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind letting us borrow them to split Maddie's thumbs in half." Leo let out a maniacal laugh.

Liam chuckled, despite the peculiarity of the conversation. "I'm not going to lie and tell you I'm not interested -- to the contrary, actually. And while I appreciate your help in seeing that Madeleine is brought to justice, I think we better stick to more lawful means."

"Boo, you whore!" The line went dead with a click. 

Liam held the phone away from his ear, watching Leo sink down into his chair in a huff. "Really?" He called back in agitation. Met with the silent treatment and a middle finger from his disgruntled brother, Liam rolled his eyes, then slumped back down into his seat. Maybe he'd try to call Riley again.

-------------

The phone on Riley's nightstand buzzed again. She knew it was another call from Liam, and while she felt remorseful for ignoring all of his calls and texts, she couldn't bring herself to look at or answer them quite yet. The sooner all ties between them were broken, she believed, the quicker he could forget all about her and the mess she made of everything. 

But even her willpower was slipping. Riley slid her hand out from under the pillow and reached over to pick up her phone. Holding it to her chest, she contemplated for a second just reading his texts and returning his calls, but Madeleine had warned to end all contact with him. Obviously, she was curious about what he had to say, but it was too risky. I'm so sorry, Liam. 

Hitting the power button on her cell, the light on the device faded to black before she tossed it in the nightstand drawer.

Early the next morning, Riley's eyes flickered open to the sound of a banging on her front door, followed by the incessant ringing of her doorbell. Feeling exhausted from a lack of sleep, mainly because of crying and unable to think about anything other than how she hurt Liam, Riley decided to ignore it. She just wanted to be left alone, and eventually, they'd give up and leave, right?

Except they didn't.

Annoyed, she let out a sigh and then eased herself up out of bed; the pain in her back was still a problem. Tossing a robe over her body, she slowly made her way down the stairs of her townhome -- each step excruciating -- until she finally made it to the door.

Twisting the lock, she opened the entry door, before letting out a sudden gasp at the tearful person standing on the other side. 

"Oh my God, Riley! Y-You're alive! You're really alive!"

"Alyssa?" Riley's best friend from New York pulled her into a relieved hug, nearly sobbing at that point. "What're you doing here?"

"I thought something terrible happened to you, but now that I can see you're still among the living ..." she sniffled before pulling back and narrowing her blazing blue eyes at her friend. "Where have you been? I've been trying to get ahold of you ever since you texted me that you were boarding a plane in Cordonia, and that something serious happened involving Tyler. You promised me you'd call as soon as you landed--"

"I know. I'm so sorry. It was late ..."

 " -- and you didn't. Then I worried, even more, when you didn't answer any of my calls back. I had to book the first red-eye flight here to make sure you were all right." Finished with her rant, a huffing Alyssa's jaw immediately clenched. "Now, what did that shithead ex of yours do? I'll kill him if he hurt you, Ri. I might be small, but I'm scrappy like an alleycat. You know I'll claw his eyes out."

Riley let out a light chuckle; Alyssa was always overprotective of her and had a clever way with words, but quickly, that chuckle faded into a teary frown. "Oh, Lyss," she whimpered as her face fell into her hands.

Alyssa quickly wrapped her arms around Riley and pulled her into a warm embrace. "Aww, Riley. Sweetie, it's going to be okay," she soothed. 

Stepping inside, Alyssa kicked the door shut and led them both over to the sofa. Sensing Riley was in pain -- and not just emotional -- she helped lower her troubled best friend onto the couch. "I want you to start from the beginning and tell me everything that happened."

The best friends had remained in contact over the last several weeks. It was Alyssa's frantic morning phone call over a month ago that alerted Riley to the news coverage of her impromptu marriage to Liam, having saw it on the news. 

And while Alyssa was aware of everything about Cordonia and Liam, and how Riley fit into all that from their prior conversations, she listened intently while it was revealed to her the details of the incident with Madeleine and the video her ex-husband gave to the Countess.  

Grabbing a tissue from the end table, Alyssa handed it to Riley. "So this cow confronted you with that disgusting video and basically blackmailed you into leaving, or she would release it to the press?" Riley nodded somberly.."Ugh, I want this treasonous bitch thrown in the dungeon, subjected to live-streamed daily anal fistings with giant Hulk gloves ... And Tyler, I want to break every bone in his rotten body, one at a time. And I want to leave him there afterwards, dripping just enough water on his lips, so he doesn't die of dehydration, screaming in agony for the weeks it will take to die of starvation."

 Riley's face scrunched up. "God, Alyssa."

Alyssa shrugged. "What? I don't care; it's what they deserve for hurting you. Did you at least tell Liam what happened?"

This time, Riley shook her head. "No. Madeleine warned me if I told him, she would release the video, and then the council would likely force him to step down. I won't allow him to lose everything for someone like me." 

Irritated, Alyssa pressed a palm to her forehead. "Why are you like this?"

"Like, what?" Riley asked in exasperation.

"That whole, 'someone like me,' part. He wanted to stay married to you. He made you the queen of his country. You've said he couldn't keep his goddamn hands off you for two seconds. And more importantly, you told me you have never felt more loved in your life, than you do when you're with him. The fact that you still question your worthiness to him blows my mind." 

Alyssa reached for Riley's shaky hand, able to tell by the tears sliding down her cheeks and the soft whimpers that she'd touched on something. "You're his pussycat, Riley. Liam already lost everything when you left him. Tell me you know that."

Riley wiped at her face., her voice stifled, "I just wanted to protect him."

"I know." Alyssa smiled softly. "But you needed to give him the chance to decide what he wanted. You made it for him because you know he'd choose you, regardless if he lost everything else; that's how much he loves you, Ri. You can't protect someone who loves you by hurting them. Besides, he's the King; he can simply execute the council if he wants to -- Liam’s not going anywhere."

"You just HAD to add that last part in, didn't you?" Riley laughed, feeling a sense of ease as her mood lightened. It felt good to talk to someone who could help her make sense of everything and realize she hadn’t exactly made the best call by leaving and not telling Liam what happened. "But what do I do about this video? What if Madeleine releases it to the public?"

"Yeah, a video of a married woman having sex with her husband -- Oh, the shame!" she retorted. "Look, you'll be famous on Pornhub for a few weeks, and it'll fizzle out. I know that doesn't make it all better, but you have a lot of people who love you ... we'll be there for you if that happens. Besides, it's Gonzo Dick; I doubt anyone will wanna watch anyway."

Riley snorted out at the nickname she gave her ex-husband. "Stop making me laugh." 

Alyssa cracked a grin. "Nah. If I can make you laugh at that asshole's expense and his crooked dick, then it's worth it."

"Well,” she breathed, “ I suppose I should get dressed and call Liam. Tell him what happened, and hopefully, he'll … forgive .." her voice trailed off at tasting an increasing collection of bile in her throat and a familiar rumble in her stomach. 

“What’s wrong?”

Riley frowned. "Damn it, why do I keep getting sick?"  

After rushing to the bathroom with Alyssa's help, Riley came out moments later, flushed and perspiring. Alyssa, who waited outside the door to make sure she was all right, eyed her friend with grave concern. "Ri, are you sure you don't have a concussion? You said that Madeleine caused you to fall, and you complained you’ve been getting sick a lot. Is there any chance you hit your head too?"

Riley considered for a moment before shaking her head. "I don't think so. I mean, it all happened so fast I don't really remember, but my head doesn't hurt."

"OH NO! You have memory loss too, on top of the vomiting and a hurt back? Riley, you need to go to the hospital now. This is serious."

"Alyssa, I'm fine. I don't need to go to the hospital," Riley dismissed and hobbled past her friend toward the kitchen. "You always worry too much."

Alyssa followed behind her, brows bumped together in a scowl. "Because you're a stubborn ass who never listens, that's why. You need to get checked out," she insisted. Riley paid no attention as made her way to the fridge; that reaction only served to piss Alyssa off. "You can ignore me all you want, but you know as well as I do, I'll just keep annoying the hell out of you until you do it … I'll sing every Dave Matthews song ever written -- On repeat." 

Riley shut the fridge door and turned at the threat, giving her a dismayed glare. "You wouldn't." 

Alyssa tilted her chin. "You know damn well I would. I have... so much to say, so much to say, so much --"

"Please stop! I'm going."

---------

At Valley Hospital and Medical Center, Drake sat slumped down in the waiting room of the E.R;  a thawed ice pack covered his crotch. His increasingly irritated self caught sight of a nurse escorting yet another patient back for examination. "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

Tired of waiting, he cast the ice pack aside and marched straddle-legged to the triage desk where a beefy nurse with a scowl sat filing her nails. "How much longer is this gonna take?" He demanded bitterly.

The nurse remained focused on her nails and answered in a careless fashion. "You'll get called back when it's your turn, Mr. Walker."

"My turn? MY TURN? I've been here for 15 fucking hours waiting for my turn. I've watched one person after the next walk right in, get treated, and leave. Whose ass do I actually have to lick to get treatment around here?"

Unimpressed with his theatrics, she folded her arms on the desk and looked up at Drake with a glower. "Look. You got kicked in the wang by a hooker. Shit happens. It's not the end of the world. Go home, have a beer, and a good laugh. You'll live." She resumed her filing.

Drake ran both hands through his rumpled hair, letting out a sardonic laugh. "I cannot fucking believe you just said that to me. I suffer trauma on my transplanted dick, and the greatest healthcare minds in the world tell me to have a beer and laugh about it?" his voice shrieked.

The nurse blew on her nails. "That's what I said."

That snarky remark sent him even further over the edge. A red-faced Drake pounded two white-knuckled fists on the desk and leaned down into her space. "Now you listen here, lady. I demand to be seen right now, or so help me, I'll tear this whole goddamn place apart brick-by-fucking-brick! Do you understand me?"

Having none of that, the nurse, who was several inches taller than a startled Drake expected, sprung for her chair and loomed over him menacingly. Drake flinched when she rammed the nail file at him and threatened, "Now, you listen.You can either sit your ass down, or I will sit you down. Do you understand me?"

He didn't understand. He would never understand.

A security guard who heard the commotion casually approached the agitated pair and placed a firm hold on Drake's elbow. "Do we have a problem here, Betty Lou?"

She shook her head, sizing Drake up. "No, just some whiny-ass Karen griping about his dick."

---------------

Several moments later, Alyssa and Riley exited an Uber and wandered into the waiting area, making their way up to the triage line -- or what they thought was a line. It was actually Drake still standing there, continuing to protest his case to anyone who would listen and demanding to speak to someone in charge.

While Riley dug through her purse to retrieve her health insurance card, Alyssa couldn't help but be taken in by the fiery debacle taking place in front of them. She inched a little closer, unable to help herself; it was good drama and sucked her right in. 

Catching a glimpse of Drake’s sour face, she cocked her head introspectively; there was something oddly familiar about the man in the denim shirt going off. Alyssa tapped her chin. Where have I seen him before?  

Before long, the realization set in, and her eyes snapped wide open. She nudged Riley with an elbow and leaned over, whispering, "Hey, isn't that the guy from the news who had the penis transplant? It looks just like him."

Knowing precisely who that was by the description, Riley popped her head up to look. She hadn't known Drake well, only that he was Liam's best friend, and after having spent time together on the plane ride to Cordonia with him, that her maid-of-honor had given him several venereal diseases. "Drake?" she called out.

While Alyssa zoned in on his groin, curious as to what was in there, Drake broke away from the dispute and turned his focus toward the familiar-sounding voice. She was a connection to home and a long-sought-after friendly face. "Riley? Liam's insta-bride, Riley?" 

She let out a light chuckle and nodded. "Yeah, I suppose that's how you would know me ... What are you doing at the hospital? Is your body rejecting the ..." Her embarrassed gaze dropped lower with a gulp. " ... thing?"

"No!" he barked. "I just got attacked by that ... uh, someone."

"You got attacked?" Shocked, Riley placed a hand over her chest. "Why would someone attack you? Are you okay?"

Feeling incensed by the memory, Drake shook his head and muttered. "It's a long story ... What about you? What are you doing here? Thought you were in Cordonia with Liam?"

She inhaled a deep breath through her nostrils and forced a smile. "It's a long story too."

Drake peeked over his shoulder at Nurse Ratchet, giving him a gimlet-eyed stare from behind her computer screen. He groused and turned to face Riley again. "I've got time."

----------------

Nearly 12 hours after takeoff, the royal jet touched down in sunny Las Vegas, an hour ahead of schedule. Liam and Leo stepped off the plane and strolled across the tarmac to the awaiting vehicle, where a smiling man held the rear passenger door open.

"Bastien," Liam greeted as he approached. "Good to see you again."

"Your Majesty." He bowed. "Likewise ... I have the rental car you requested, and the Queen's address is already programmed into the GPS. Should take no more than 30 minutes to get there."

"Perfect,” he replied, clapping Bastien’s shoulder.“Thanks for having everything ready to go."

Liam had contacted the head guard -- who was still jailed for non-support -- and gained him a day-long pass to provide security detail. Bastien was also to stay in contact with his guards to oversee the capture and detainment of Madeleine.

Bastien took their bags, and the brothers hopped into the back of the Escalade. Once they pulled away from the airport, the directions led the group west. The head guard glanced briefly in the rearview mirror as he drove on. “I want to thank you for giving me a second chance. It’s nice to be out of that place, even if just for the day.”

Liam smiled back. “Not a problem, good man. I can’t think of anyone else I trust more for the job than you … though I’m not sure why. Anyway, do you have any updates on the Madeleine situation?”

“Yes, sir. I contacted my colleagues again just before you arrived. Countess Madeleine was taken by surprise when our guards arrived at her family estate in Krona. Once in custody, she was immediately transported to Valtoria for detention, exactly as you requested.”

"That's terrific news ... Wait ...Did you say, Valtoria?" Liam asked with puzzlement in his tone. 

"Yes, sir. As you requested." 

"Man, please tell me Mads tried to fight them off, and they had to use the taser on her," Leo insisted as he held his crossed fingers in the air. "A billy club ... a rubber hose ... something."

"There may have been a brief verbal exchange and some threats, but the Countess promised if they permitted access to her computer to send a quick email, she would go with them peacefully and without further protest. There didn't seem to be any harm in doing so, and she followed through with her word. Sorry to break it to you, Prince Leo, but no tasers were harmed in her capture."

"Well, fiddle shit." Leo glanced over at his brother --who was still scratching his head -- in disappointment. "If only I'd been able to get that shock collar on her while I was engaged to her, you wouldn't be in this mess right now. She just squirmed too much. I’m sorry I let you down, little brother."

"It's fine, Leo; it's not the first time,”  Liam said dryly before turning his head away from Leo to face the front again. "Can we get back to Madeleine being taken to Valtoria? I never requested that. An accused of the Crown is always placed in the palace dungeon. There aren't even cells in Valtoria to hold her in. What am I missing here?"

Approaching a stoplight, Bastien lightly pressed the brakes, then met Liam’s gaze in the mirror. “The orders I was given to pass along to the guards from you earlier were clear in your text: Once she’s taken into custody, she is to be sent to Valtoria and placed in the cage with the monkey until further notice. That’s what they --”

“Mongo! They put her in the cage with Mongo?” Liam exploded before pinching the bridge of his nose, knowing there was no point in asking how that message got mixed up. “Goddamn it, Leo! Why are you, you, sometimes?” He ran a swift hand down his face and turned to glare at his brother. “Do you realize they consider that cruel and unusual punishment? Did you ever stop to consider how much shit I'm going to hear over this if this gets out?" He let out a sharp breath and threw his hands in the air."How? How did you do it?"

"It's simple pimple, Liam. When you went to the bathroom, I grabbed your phone," he replied bluntly with a shrug. "And according to page 24 of Father's torture book: It's not considered cruel and unusual punishment, as long as she has food, water, and clean shelter -- which she does. Or ... if she's housed with a member of the royal family -- which she is. Mongo is the heir to the throne, so we've got that covered too. So just relax, little bro; Leo’s got it all taken care of for you."

Liam dropped his chin to his chest, then let out a weary breath. “Bastien, call the guards and have them move her to the palace at once.” 

As Bastien placed the call, Liam shifted in his seat so that he was staring out the window. He put a palm over his mouth to conceal the curved lips that formed a devilish grin, trying to contain the unbearable urge to bust out laughing. Oh, Maddie ... I hope you and Mongo had one hell of a time together.

----------------

Back at the hospital, Riley situated herself on the gurney while a nurse prepared to check her vitals and ask general health questions. 

In the next bay over, separated by a thin sliding curtain, Drake was finally attended to after Riley reluctantly, but willfully, played up her celebrity status. Once she threatened to have the hospital shut down -- which she doubted was even possible on her end -- the proverbial red carpet was rolled out for both of them; she was still a queen, afterall. 

Steps were then taken to ensure they both received the royal treatment, so to speak. That wasn’t typically how Riley preferred to handle situations; she hated big fusses over her. But in the end, she did help one of Liam’s oldest friends finally get the medical attention he needed, so it was worth trying. 

The blood pressure cuff on Riley’s arm squeezed tighter just as one of the doctors stepped inside and slid the curtain all the way closed. His cheerful greeting drew Riley's fixed gaze away from the changing numbers on the monitor beside her bed, and she smiled up at him.

The doctor was tall and thin, with thick spectacles perched near the tip of his nose. He gave a brief nod to Alyssa, who was sitting in a chair at Riley’s bedside, rubbing her shoulder. Scanning the patient chart, he spoke without looking up, "Queen Riley, it says here you suffered a fall?"

"I'm just Riley,  please," she requested.

The doctor looked up from the paperwork and nodded with an understanding smile. "Of course." 

After the initial exam concluded, Alyssa remained behind after the doctor ordered x-rays and transport had wheeled Riley down to radiology. 

Bouncing her crossed leg as she scrolled through her phone, Alyssa tried to bide her time until Riley returned. An air conditioning vent overhead that she didn’t realize drowned out so much noise around her, suddenly flipped off. Able to catch the conversation on the other side of the curtain better, she listened with a broken heart as Drake reluctantly described to an attending, the worst days of his life. Alyssa shuddered as he recalled the moment his penis fell off, rolled across the bed, and dropped onto Ethan Ramsey’s leather shoe during an exam. “That poor man. I just want to hug him,” she muttered.

Her little ears perked when the doctor mentioned he was “going to have a look at it.” In her curious mind, there were no doubts that she was too. This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to take a peek at the first transplant of its kind; no way was she going to miss out on that. 

Alyssa slid to the edge of her seat and raised her hand to up to the curtain, easing a tiny portion of it aside. Her blue eyes crinkled with frustration at a nurse who was blocking her view. “Move your ass,” she whispered to herself.

Unable to get a good view, she gave up that spot and eyed the other opening in the curtain at the far end of the room. Sliding off her chair to a crouching position on the floor, Alyssa crab-walked as fast as she could without falling off balance until she made it to the other side. Crooking a stealthy finger along the seam of the curtain, she hoped and prayed Drake’s genital exam wasn’t through yet. What her eyes saw on that gurney when she pulled the fabric aside caused her heart to jolt out of her chest. 

Alyssa cupped a hand over her gaping mouth before stepping back and letting the curtain fall loosely shut again.  Dropping her hand limply at her side, staring blankly at nothing, she mouthed, “Oh. My. God.”

----------------

Down in the radiology department, Riley sat patiently in her wheelchair, waiting for the tech to return to take the x-rays. Enjoying the lighter feeling of having an empty bladder again, she let out a contented sigh; she was about to bust earlier. That mandatory urine sample couldn’t have come at a more opportune time. 

Left alone to ruminate in her thoughts, Riley wondered about those phone calls she ignored last night from Liam. The regret she felt over her actions the last 26 hours continued to mount up. And it took a heart-to-heart with her best friend to really put things into perspective. Her decisions weren’t the best course to take, even if they were done with the most loving of intentions. 

There was a lot to make up to Liam, and she only hoped that it wasn’t too late. Could he even forgive her for all of it?

She wished he was there with her right now. If she knew him the way she thought she did, he’d be standing around telling inappropriate jokes to make her laugh or embarrass her with his silly antics. It was like Liam could be two different people sometimes: Kingly and stoic around everyone else, but the second it was just him alone with her, he was such a big kid. Somehow, she could bring out his true self; the one where he felt comfortable enough to be silly and playful. And as much as she tried to play them off, those little pet names he gave her -- she chuckled to herself as they popped into her head -- were funny. What the hell even was a knucklehead mcspazzatron? 

“Miss Brooks” Riley shook herself of her thoughts as the x-ray tech returned and made her way over. “I apologize that took so long.”

Riley smiled up at her. “No need to apologize… Are you ready for me now?”

“Not exactly,” she teased in such a cheery tone, Riley slightly lowered her eyelids, holding her gaze. “You most likely won’t be getting x-rays today, sweetie.” She held a fisted hand out to Riley and opened her palm to reveal the small object inside. “You’re pregnant.”

--------------------

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[violet-t-9]

My take on why Caleb doesn’t trust Essek

I’ve seen a lot of discussion about “why doesn’t Caleb trust Essek” and here is just my two cents (spoilers, written after the new episode 131 talks machina). This will be very, very long, so beware. 

Before I start, this post is not meant to be against Essek and he is actually one of my top favourite characters. I wanted to get my thoughts out because I saw many people take Essek’s side and I want to consider Caleb’s perspective.

Also, the quotes are not EXACTLY accurate, but please bear with me. NOTHING I say reflects anything other than my own, biased interpretation of the events, so take it with a grain of salt. 

While it has been a long time in real life for us, in game time the peace talk was not that long ago. Liam has mentioned both as Caleb and in talks that Caleb had been very paranoid about Essek for a long time, thinking he was working them for his own agenda and could be Dynasty’s traitor. However, it is also confirmed that Caleb started to actually trust Essek because “the other shoe never dropped” and consider him a true friend - right before (“like two days later”) being the first one to discover (through Frumpkin) that he had been right about Essek since day one.

Imagine what that would do to Caleb, to finally letting himself trust just to get betrayed right away and to have his paranoia proven correct all along. Of course he still doesn’t trust Essek now, of course he is hurt. After the peace talks, Essek didn’t even seem to regret what he had done (he straight up said “I can’t say I regret what I have done”, also said seeing Adeen in chains was “freeing”). The first time he showed a genuine change was in episode 124, even then, Caleb failed to read his intentions with a nat 1 insight check, so he could not actually confirm that Essek was telling the truth (he was just given the “hard to read”) so basically he had no way of knowing if Essek was lying.

When Caleb thinks back on their past interactions, he would have to think about how everything Essek had said could be a lie, and that would taint any good memories they had. Even if we, as viewers, know that Essek was probably sincere most of the time, Caleb doesn’t know that. 

Essek had been lying to the party since they first met, he got close to M9 precisely because he wanted to use them to cover his beacon heist, to make sure that they “did not get too close to the truth”. He steered the party in the directions he wanted them to go in, like actively directing them to focus on Obann. And Essek was GOOD at what he did. M9 told him a lot of secrets - that they suspected a mole and that there are two beacons in the empire, etc. Essek succeeded in his objective and got a lot of information he wouldn’t have gotten otherwise because of his deception. Yes, he started to care for them somewhere along the line. At some point, he found himself actually wanting to be friends with M9, but that is a separate issue. He kept them in the dark, lied to their faces, betrayed their trust before they even met regardless. Now obviously he was in a very difficult position and probably felt like he could not tell them the truth (how would he tell them, anyways?), but it doesn’t change the fact that he used them for his goals and succeeded. 

Now Caleb and Essek had a mutually manipulative political-game-like dance going on when they first met, but that was more or less on equal footing and they probably both knew what each other was doing (they were both pretty obvious). Caleb also used his training to “keep [Essek] on the rails”, but that imo kind of pales in comparison to Essek using M9 to cover up his entire heist. Essek did help them a lot, but he did those things for favours, at least at first. He never cashed them (except the one vial Caleb gave him) but he didn’t have to - the favours worked, M9 decided not to expose him because he went out of his way to help them. Even after discovering the truth (that he was the catalyst of a war between two nations, one of which is 3 party members’ homeland), the M9 did not try to fight him or report him to literally ANYONE which would have gotten him killed. Caleb even gave Essek the hope that there IS a path to redemption when Essek didn’t believe in it. So yeah if I were Essek I would too be very grateful to M9. If I were Caleb I would probably never trust Essek ever again. 

Essek is shown to be completely uninterested in the Eyes of Nine but it was a valid concern. He did commit high treason for knowledge, it’s really not that much of a stretch that he’d be tempted by the city (exhibit A: Caleb himself, exhibit B: poor, poor Yussa). Good for him that he is not tempted, but Caleb’s suspicion was not uncalled for.

The thing is, M9 do trust Essek still. They told him literally everything about the TT and the city. Caleb even showed Essek the eye. It just makes me uncomfortable every time people say that M9 are “bad friends” for leaving Essek alone, or that Caleb is “mean” to Essek for not trusting him (by the way, the line about “that won’t help with the inside” was meant by Liam as “commiseration, not condemnation” if you didn’t know) but look, M9 doesn’t revolve around Essek? They have a lot of things to deal with and Essek was not on their top priority. They don’t have a responsibility to “fix” Essek’s morality issues (tbf, they still kinda did kick start that process). And hey, it’s great that Essek has obviously been doing pretty well for himself in terms of personal growth without the M9, and he could have reached out to them if he really wanted to. Remembering to use slots to message and check in with people is never M9′s strong suite.

Caleb also really didn’t endanger Essek more than Essek himself did. Caleb did used dunamancy in the empire (not resonant echo that he specifically learned from Essek, but something he reverse engineered by himself), but Trent would never have figured it out if Essek didn’t voluntarily work with Trent and the Assembly in the first place. Also, Caleb did apologize for endangering Essek (like he was supposed to, Essek deserved that apology).

So yeah, imo Caleb is right to not fully trusting Essek right now, for reasons I have mentioned above. However, Caleb clearly still cares about Essek, from the “just breathe” moment, the worry he felt, how he emphasized on the amulet. A lack of trust does not mean he just doesn’t care. Caleb was also very adamant about trusting Essek (“one person we can trust is better than three we cannot”) over his old friends (and obviously Trent). So again, I don’t really see him saying “we trust you more than my old teacher” as an issue - it’s just a statement, which is true, they do trust him more than Trent even if Trent may come with more power and numbers.

Yeah, Essek is very remorseful now, but they’ve seen this side of Essek for exactly two episodes (124 and 131), so I am not really surprised that they don’t just immediately go back to full trust mode with Essek. It will take some time, some bonding, but I’m sure the trust can be re-established. 

Just want to make it clear, I’m NOT saying Caleb is perfect. Caleb is a very flawed character (e.g. a hypocrite in terms of the eye tattoos) and I can see why some would see his interactions with Essek as problematic (but really, it’s from both sides). However, I do believe that some people twist Caleb’s words to Essek a lot and interpret them to be more vicious, manipulative and colder than he intends them to be/than they actually are because they dislike Caleb, or like Essek a lot, or for many other reasons. This post is about Caleb’s perspective so I’m not going to list all of his own flaws. I just think that in many posts I’ve seen people take Essek’s side and blame Caleb or the M9 and seem to forget that Essek did betray the M9 and “did a lot of shitty things” like Matt said. So this is just an alternative perspective for those people to consider.

Feel free to disagree, like I said these are only my opinions. That said, I’m really looking forward to the next episodes. I feel like they can establish how Essek may fit in the M9 now and maybe start some great trust-building. I cannot wait to see Essek’s interactions with M9 and I think the next few episodes will be very important for the character dynamics. 

[wellhellotragic]

These Wounds Won't Seem to Heal 2/3

Summary: It’s not her fault. She’s still new and doesn’t know. He’s not flawless. Not anymore. He’s got scars, ones she’s seen first hand. Ones she helped tend to. His body is covered in them. There’s a thin red line where he took a bottle to the face during his early beat cop days. There’s another angry red mark on his torso from where he was stabbed with a knife in his ribs. The one where he had his hand slammed in a locker as a teenager has long since faded, only the barest hint remaining, only visible in just the right lighting.

There’s two oval scars now too. One in his stomach and one on his chest. Those are from the worst day of her life.But none of those scars compare to the ones he carries on the inside. The self-inflicted cuts he makes to his soul never quite healing over. He blames himself.  It’s not his fault.

There’s a scar on her soul now too. One he left. A piece of her heart forever missing.

Rating: Mature (mostly for language)

A/N: No, you’re not crazy. The chapter count grew a little. My sincerest apologies guys (especially to @searchingwardrobes​.) I have a lot of stuff going on in my personal life that’s taken most of my attention. I really didn’t mean for this next part to be so delayed, and honestly, time has become an illusion at this point and I didn’t even realize that 6 weeks had passed. I was thinking closer to 3, so thank you for staying with me on this little journey, and hope you enjoy.

If AO3 is more your jam...

His jaw is killing him and he’s realized all too late that it was a mistake not taking the ice from Emma. But he couldn’t. He can’t have anything to do with her. He can’t even look at her. It’s just too damn painful in every way fathomable.

Sometimes, his heart aches to be near her, to see her smile and pretend for just a moment that it’s before. That everything is still fine and that they’re going to meet up for drinks later. To imagine that they’ll go back to one of their apartments and put on a movie. That she’ll fall asleep on his shoulder and he’ll move so that they’re spooning each other on the couch. It’s on those days he turns to the bottle.

Other days, the very thought of her sends him into a rage and it’s all he can do not to throw her desk out of the bullpen. He never should have agreed to take the Captain’s position. He should have gone back to the narcotics division, far away from her and the ghost of Liam imprinted into the very fabric of his chair.

He shouldn’t have done a lot of things.

He shouldn’t have gone to the Salty Winch tonight. He knew that it was her birthday, try as hard as he might to forget. And he wasn’t planning on going. But something in his subconscious had him driving there against his own better judgement. He was just going to peer in through the window, just go get a look. To see if she was happy.

And now he’s got a bruise on his face, he’s down a detective, and he’s going to have to call a cab in the morning to take him back to the pub to pick up his car.

He’s also got a text message from Archie telling him he wants to see him tomorrow before lunch.

He goes to bed, but sleep doesn’t come until hours later.

The next morning is a disaster. There’s two empty desks instead of one, paper work is piling up. Everyone is tiptoeing around him and he can see them watching him out of the corner of his eye. He can hear their hushed whispers, and as much as he doesn’t want to have to schlep all the way down to headquarters, he needs the retreat from being the star of his own tragedy.

Archie’s office is on the third floor, and it isn’t lost on him how many offices he has to pass on the way to what should be a private visit. But then again, nothing about his life has been private lately. He knows that everyone still talks about it. For weeks his portrait graced the cover of every newspaper in town, sometimes next to Liam’s departmental photo. The news was there that night to film him being carried to the ambulance on a stretcher. His name was on the tip of everyone’s tongue as the investigation and trial drug on.

His detectives don’t trust him, and he knows it’s a problem, as well that he should care, but most days he just can’t find it within himself to give a damn. He buries it all as deeply within himself as possible, just going through the motions. He’s gotten pretty good at ignoring the ways he feels, most times, but Archie is going to want to drag it all up again, especially after last night.

The office has been redecorated since the last time he was there for his psych evaluation and mandated therapy to determine if he was capable of returning to work. There are more plants in every corner of the room. No doubt the cricket’s way of cheering everyone up while he chirps in their ears. Not that he has anything against Dr. Hopper. The man may very well be the only reason Killian is even still human at this point.

“Killian, thank you for coming. Why don’t you have a seat?” He doesn’t want to, the black leather is worn and cracked in places, pinching the back of his legs even through his thick cotton pants.

The man just watches him, waiting to see if he’ll open up, to make the first move, but Killian’s never been much for spilling his guts. He’s not sure talking would even help at this point. Everything has become so twisted that no emotional epiphanies can untangle his problems anymore.

“So, I think you know why I wanted to see you.”

“Aye.”

“My next appointment called in sick so I have all day to wait for you to say something.

Killian sighs, ready to give in to the inevitable, although he’s not completely sure which part of it Archie wants to get into, and he’s treading water trying to keep as much of his life off limits as possible.

“There’s nothing to say really. One of my detectives was drunk, mouthed off, and hit me. His suspension was well earned. I’m not sure there’s anything more to it.”

Archie watches him for a second, tilting his head as he listens to Killian, and before he even opens his mouth, he knows that the cricket chirping in his ear is about to dissect the evening.

“Killian, I think there’s a lot more to it. Clearly there’s been some resentment and animosity building between the two of you for some time more, or August wouldn’t have brought it up.”

He hates this, the way Dr. Hopper is always trying to poke his way through Killian’s brain, trying to unlock doors with a metaphorical paperclip. A one size fits all therapy tool that with enough finesse can open everything he’s trying to hold back.

“I’ll admit, there’s no love lost between the two of us. We’ve never gotten along, even before. But August has never been one to make smart well thought out choices and last night was just another in a long line of mistakes he’s made.”

“Long line, or tipping point?” This isn’t going to work. He isn’t going to let Archie trip him up. He’s not leaving anymore crumbs to follow. “I know you don’t want to discuss this again, but I can’t help but think all of this stems from your relationship with Emma.”

“I don’t have a relationship with Emma.” He doesn’t mean to spit out the words as harshly as he does, it’s just a gut reaction and it’s too late to play it off. “She’s my subordinate, that’s it.”

“You mean she was your subordinate.”

It pisses him off more than he expects, partly because somehow this man miles away already knows that Emma has transferred when he only found out himself a few hours before, but also because it brings up emotions he doesn’t know how to handle.

“Aye.” All he can do is nod and clinch his jaw, which in turn reminds him of the punch he took last night. He’d give almost anything for some Motrin right now. Better yet, some morphine so he can fall into a sleep where none of this is real.

He’s not really sure what’s happening. He knows he’s in the hospital. He can surmise as much by the beeping machines and the blood pressure cuff that’s about to sever his arm clean off. But his eyes are too heavy to open just now, and he doesn’t remember coming to the hospital. He can’t remember why he’s here.

Until he tries to move, twisting his torso just enough that pain shoots clear up to his eyeballs and he screams out in pain without even realizing it.

There’s a nurse in the room, telling him to relax, and he thinks he hears another voice from the other side of the room, but now his arm is cold and he doesn’t even have time to think before the world goes dark again.

His mouth is dry. He tries to open his lips, but they’ve melding together and his tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth. His body feels so weak and heavy, and it’s a struggle to speak, but even with just a slight moan, he feels his hand squeezed and he knows it’s her just by the way she fits with him. The bed shifts and he hears something new in her voice. She’s timid, like maybe if she speaks too loudly he’ll blow away in the wind. And to be honest, at this point, he very well may.

He forces his eyes open, blinking as much as he can to clear his vision. She’s standing at his side in a Boston PD sweatshirt that’s two sizes too big - pilfered from his closet after a night off of bar hopping turned into a movie at his place - and her hair is pulled up in a messy bun. It might very well be any other Saturday morning, except for her face. It’s puffy and red and she’s clearly been crying.

Emma Swan doesn’t cry. Ever.

He should be worried about himself, but in that moment, he can only think of her and how miserable she looks.

But then the blood pressure cuff goes off again, reminding him of where he is, and everything comes rushing back. The fight with Liam, the sound of shots ringing out, Emma begging him not to die. He told her he loved her, and he’s angry with himself for waiting so long. It shouldn’t have been a death bed confession. He shouldn’t have put so much stock in Liam’s approval.

Liam.

Liam.

Liam.

He barely gets his brother’s name out before he sees more tears running down her face, and she’s apologizing over and over again. There’s something about the way she says it, like it’s somehow her fault, like she was the one that fired the fatal shot. The pain returns and so does the morphine.

He wakes again, groggy and weak. His eyes are too heavy to open, but perhaps that’s better. Maybe if he can’t see the world around him, he won’t have to face everything to come. Liam’s always been there, even when everyone left, Liam stayed. He doesn’t know how to continue on in a world without him. He doesn’t know how to do anything now and all he can think about is how it should have been him. How he started the argument, he distracted Liam. How he was the one that raised his voice and alerted the killer to their presence.

He’s in the middle of his downward spiral of self loathing when he hears muffled voices come closer, likely entering his room from the hallway. They speak in hushed whispers as they move around the room, flittering about all around him, lifting his blanket and touching his feet, fumbling with his hand. He still can’t muster the strength to open his eyes, much less his mouth to tell them to leave, so they continue, completely unaware of the way he hears them. Unaware of how they are turning his life upside down.

“Why does this guy look so familiar?”

“Oh, you mean other than the fact that his face is all over the television?”

It’s silent for a bit, and he thinks that maybe they’ve gone finally, but then he hears a tapping noise, like fingers angrily hitting letters on a keyboard.

“It’s really sad actually. Remember Astrid down in the ER?” She waits for the other voice to agree before continuing. “I had lunch with her today and she was telling me how our guy here is cop. Came in with gunshot wounds, along with his brother. They were both in really bad shape. Whale was able to save this one but the brother was too far gone.”

It’s the first time he’s heard the words spoken allowed, and although intrinsically, he knew that Liam was gone, the words are a nail to a coffin.

The voice continues, telling the other one how they were both in shock, having lost so much blood, giving vivid details that tear at him to his very core, but it’s the end of the story that he latches to.

“So there’s nothing they could have done then?”

“I guess we’ll never know. I mean, by the time the ambulance brought him in, he was already gone, but from what Astrid overheard, I guess their back up got there late. One of them ran after the shooter and the other stayed to help and couldn’t save them both.”

“Damn, I can't even imagine. This guy is gonna have some hell of survivor's guilt.”

But it wasn’t guilt that overcame him that night. Instead, it was rage that crept in, filling the hole in his heart.

“So you still blame Emma then?”

He doesn’t speak. Doesn’t even look up from the mark of the coffee table in front of him that he’s been starting at for the last few minutes.

“Killian, the mind is a tricky thing. You were still in shock, heavily medicated, and mourning. Is it possible that maybe you somehow misunderstood what the nurses said that night?”

That has his attention, and not in a good way.

“Are you insinuating that I’m a liar?” He leans forward, voice steady, focused on Dr. Hopper and the way he’s now squirming in his chair. “Or do you simply believe that I’m just crazy?”

He’s off the couch, steady quick strides for the door. He’s had enough judgment for the day, and needs to leave before he crams Archie’s notebook down his throat.

“That’s - Killian! That’s not what I meant.”

He’s halfway out the door, but something in the man’s tremble gives him pause.

“I- I just. I spoke to Emma, to August too, after it happened. I just mean that maybe you all have different accounts of what happened that night, and until you sit down and finally clear the air, none of you will be able to heal.”

That has him barking out a laugh. The very idea of either of them being able to make anything right at this point? It’s absurd.

Two weeks pass without much fanfare. August’s desk still sits empty, a magnet for other detective’s paperwork piles, but the seat stays cold. Emma’s desk on the other hand is now occupied by a short stodgy old bald man who seems to be compensating for his hair loss with a long salt and pepper beard that covers half of his face. The man has been nothing but surely since his arrival the week before. He’s managed to piss off most of Killian’s bullpen, and it’s almost laughable how quickly his life has gone totally shits-up on him, but then he remembers that Leroy is going to be August’s partner when he comes back and that’s almost enough to satiate Killian’s frustration.

Almost.

Because August isn’t coming back, at least not to his division. There’s an opening in Narcotics, Killian’s old team, and while is not a transfer Killian would ever normally agree to, it's not a typical assignment. Despite his reservations, he knows August is good as his job and the best fit.

That’s the only reason he finds himself walking back into the Salty Winch at 10:29 on a Tuesday morning. August isn’t there yet, which doesn’t surprise him in the least. The truth is, he doesn’t honestly even know if the man will show at all, never having responded to his message.

It’s odd being back in that building, the incident from a few weeks ago notwithstanding. The derelict bar has always been special to him in a way he can’t explain, like an extension of himself. Liam brought him there after his first collar, saying a celebration was in order, and that one night somehow became a long standing tradition. Looking at the scuff marks near the well, he remembers Ruby’s attempts at clogging in 6 inch stilettos and the pub owner nearly crying at the sight of his ruined wood floors. He remembers Lance throwing up in the peanut bucket at the end of the bartop at his bachelors party.

But taking a seat in the booth in the back right corner, all he can see is her face the night they met.

It’s been a damn good day, and each sip of the rum in his glass dances it’s way down his throat, warming him on the way down. He’s buzzed to be certain, but hasn’t had nearly enough to be drunk, and Will intends to remedy that as soon as possible if the third round he just ordered is any indication.

They’d been after a small time dealer for months, and on the day they finally go to bust the guy, they somehow luck into nabbing one of the largest suppliers in the city by sheer dumb luck. But no one needs to know that. Not when he and Scarlett have just received public commendations from the commissioner himself. Not when he’s wearing his medal on his shirt like a goddamn first place science fair ribbon. Not when his name is being floated around as someone to keep an eye on.

And sure as hell not when the most gorgeous creature he’s ever laid eyes on has just walked into his pub and sat herself four bar stools over. To say that he’s gobsmacked is an understatement. It’s dark, but even in the dim pendant lit room he catches a glimpse of her eyes. They’re emeralds, sparkling as the light from a glass bottle being poured reflects in them.

He’s so infatuated with this woman in her tight red leather dress that he’s apparently missed an entire conversation, only his name on repeat is enough to pull his attention back to his mates.

“Oh bloody hell, I think we lost ‘em boys.”

There’s a heat overcoming his face and he’s not quite sure why. He’s left with many a fine lass from this very bar on other, much less eventful nights. His boys are no strangers to the effect he has on women, but perhaps this time it has something to do with the effect she’s having on him. This enchantress that’s beguiling him.

Perhaps the last shot was a mistake.

After some merciless teasing he’s out of his seat, making his way to the empty spot on the other side of her. He waits for a second, casually watching her send an email from the corner of his eye before making his move yelling out to the bartender.

“Robin, can I get my tab? I need to head across the street and file a complaint.”

She’s startled, her eyes flitting between him, the bartender, and her phone.

“Oh, what for?” Robin walks over with a towel and glass in hand, and a coy grin on his face. This may or may not be the first time he’s used this ruse before.

“Well, this woman here has just stole me beating heart right from my chest.”

She groans and rolls her eyes, and while it may not be the first time he’s used the line, it’s certainly the first time it’s ever not been reciprocated.

“Please tell me that line doesn’t actually work on girls.”

He can’t help but smile despite how epically he’s failed. And while she’s clearly not amiable to going back to his place with him tonight, she doesn’t outright reject his offer to buy her drink, or even a second one after that.

Somehow the two of them move to the booth in the back. He learns that she’s from the 42nd, a vice cop just coming from her last shift. The red leather dress is a departing gift of sorts from her supervisor, by way of a prostitution sting. She’s transferring to his precinct tomorrow and just wanted to come get a feel for the area before her first day.

They talk until the bar closes somehow, and when her cab pulls up, he takes his shot one more time. This time she laughs him off and tells him she’ll see him tomorrow. He gets his own cab, and even though he’s going home alone tonight, he’s still got a shit eating grin on his face when he walks through his apartment door, her laugh echoing through his head like music.

August arrives in true fashion, twenty minutes late, and Killian isn’t sure if the man is just being disrespectful or trying to somehow create an illusion of control over the situation. Either way, he’s not happy, although he’d be lying to himself if he didn’t admit to himself that he’s happy that the man won’t be around for a while.

Boothe has always rubbed him the wrong way. Even before Emma, August had a way of pissing him off, always shooting off his mouth and trying to one up him. In truth, his annoyance turned to hatred when he learned of how close the man was with Emma. They had inside jokes and secret looks, and Killian always felt like an outsider. Eventually he learned that August was practically Emma’s brother, having been raised together in the foster system, but hearing of how Boothe was the one that introduced Emma to her first love, and man that led her down a path of petty crime, it only solidified in Killian’s mind that August Boothe is an arse of a man with no redeeming qualities.

Which is also the exact thing that he needs right now. The two of them sit in that back booth, discussing the matter at hand. The narcotics division has been trying to catch the supplier of pixie dust, a drug that’s recently made its way to Boston from New York. They have a fairly good idea who the importer is, but they haven’t been able to catch him thanks to a mole in their ranks. One of their own has been tipping off Walsh Nikko and their captain is fairly certain it’s Jefferson.

A man by all rights is mad as a hatter. Killian had only dealt with the man a few times, but undercover work had taken its toll on Jefferson and he returned from a botched assignment with demons in his soul.

Killian explains everything to August. How Captain Humbert needs him to come in as a disgruntled cop, how he needs to break rules and make his distaste of the Boston PD known. That it shouldn’t be difficult given their recent encounter and his suspension.

He knows it’s working when snippets of August’s ranting about his character get back to him.

______________________________

His adrenaline is waning and his stomach turns. He barely makes it away from everyone on scene into a back alley before the remainder of his lunch is spilling out of him. He’s never been so terrified in his life, and nothing is right. Nothing makes sense, and he’s still hurling his guts out. There’s blue and red flashes of light coloring the clouds above them as nearly all of Boston has turned out to the scene.

There’s going to be mountains of paperwork, but that’s tomorrow's problem. Right now, he just needs to get out of there, far away from the flashing photography bulb and the interviews. Away from the smell of blood, the screams he swears are still echoing in the building. He just needs to get away.

He’s not sure how he ends up here. He’s not even sure how he knows that address, but his feet have somehow brought him here and he knows that he can’t keep holding everything in. He can only pack it all down so much before the latches break and everything explodes around him.

Dr. Hopper doesn’t even seem surprised to find him standing outside of his brownstone, just motions for him to come inside. Archie goes to get him a towel, which he tries to refuse. It’s only at the man’s instistance that he realizes that he has blood on his jacket, and that’s his breaking point.

There’s blood on his jacket, and despite scrubbing it for the length of the car ride back to the precinct, he’s standing on the steps to the 56th and it’s still there. He’ll likely have to burn the damn thing. As remissed as he is though to discard his favorite article of clothing, it’s not the jacket that causes him pause.

He’s thought about this moment a lot of the last year. Wondering if she will be happy to see him, if she’ll care at all. There was a distance between them before he left, a chasm of his own doing, and when he told her he was leaving, he couldn’t miss the look in her eyes. A flash of betrayal and distrust, and while she’s the only thing that’s carried him through the last eleven months, he knows the chances of her thinking of him in the same way are lower than he cares to admit.

He’s thought of it so many times, playing it out over and over in his mind. How he’s going to find her and finally confess his feelings. Of how he can’t keep pretending that friendship with her is enough from him, that he wants more. How the random kisses they share are like knives to his heart showing him of what could be but isn’t. He’s played it out so many times, but never was he standing before her in a blood stained jacket.

But now that she’s there and in his arms clinging to him just as strongly as he is her, he couldn’t care less. She’s soft and warm and still smells of cinnamon just as he remembered, and her touch soothes the monsters whispering inside him. He felt broken the whole time he was gone, but she’s mending him.

He finally breaks away, he needs to tell her, he needs to just get the words out, but before he can, Liam is behind him ordering him to the bullpen, and now isn’t the time. It’s not a rushed conversation to have with people yelling his name from another room.

“I, we’ll talk later, ya?”

She nods, and it’s only then that he notices the faint tears that have been freshly wiped away.

They never talk about it though.

Liam takes him out to dinner, just the two of them, and by the time he gets home, the monsters are back, reminding him of all the things he’s done. Of what a villain he is now, and he knows that he’s not good enough for her.

His monsters are back, screaming, drowning out anything good and all he sees is the dark. Archie brings him a glass of rum, telling him after the night he’s had, he deserves it. And they talk. For the first time, Killian lets the walls down and tells Archie about all of it. All of the dastardly deeds he did while undercover. About how everything that has happened since is his fault, it’s because people like him don’t deserve happy endings.

Archie rebukes everything he says, but it does little to ease his conscience. He leaves Hopper’s house feeling slightly lighter though having unburdened himself, and possibly hopeful for the first time in years. But he’s still got a lot of work to do, and he knows it’s going to take time.

His suitcase is packed before it ever even occurs to him to call his commander and tell him that he needs a sabbatical. He expects pushback. Hell, he expects the man to tell him he’s fired, but his commander understands and tells him to take whatever time he needs. That they’ll find a place for him whenever he’s ready.

Liam’s boat is still in the harbor just as he remembers it. She’s been neglected the past two years, his own fault to be certain, and she’ll need some work as well, but she’s sea worthy enough, and he can’t be in Boston anymore. The sails are unfurled and he’s just pushing off when he pulls his phone out of his pocket, making one last call.

She doesn’t answer, he knows she won’t, and perhaps that’s why he’s calling her now, when he knows she’s busy. Instead he leaves a message, telling her that he loves her, that he always has and always will, but that he’s broken. That he needs some time to clear his head if he wants to be a man deserving of her heart.

He’s a bastard and a coward.

And then he’s gone.