#how is it so hard for fb to just come up with characters that look like this?

[0shewrites0]

LITG & beautiful/artsy/thoughtful tattoos 🧎🏽‍♀️

So I know I’m being delulu but can we not (just once!!!) have a character with tattoos that look like someone’s put some thoughts into them? Also, where are my stylish, artsy, tattooed pretty boys? Will had fr so much potential but I’m sorry, the tattoos are not it.

Like, look at them and then look me in the eye and tell me you don’t think they’re really bloody hot:

Give me a Joel or an Ingram lookwise and give them nail polish, jewelry and stylish clothes. Also, they don’t even need to be muscular or gym buffs! I’m a simple girl, really, but is it too much to ask for someone like that? My soul craves them pretty boys 🥹😭😭

[genericpuff]

This is kinda of random but why is Hecate short? I'm just curious because out of all the bad things in LO I liked how tall Hecate is and how she wore suits. ( she does look stunning in your version too )

I've found when it comes to character heights, it's really hard to discern what the actual intention was in their designs as Rachel's statements often contradict the actual appearance of the characters in the comic and how they compare to one another. For example, some people have stated Rachel revealed in her Patreon chit chat posts (or in FB groups, don't remember which) that Hades was unique for his height, being as tall as 10 feet, but as we see him in the comic, he's often closer to being 10 feet wide than 10 feet tall LOL (I don't think Rachel realized how big ten feet was when she said that tbh)

So in that regard, from a design POV it's hard to gauge if Hecate is actually that tall, or if she just appears tall because she's sometimes drawn at shoulder height with Hades (doesn't help that the character designs are always fluctuating), but also it's hard to say if one can be considered "tall" when standing next to Persephone who we know Rachel always draws disproportionately tiny compared to everyone else, to the point of outright infantilizing her.

TL ; DR: I had to pick a lane with the character designs and Hecate seemed more like she would realistically be closer to Persephone's height than to Hades (if Hades is someone who's supposed to be uniquely tall which I'm definitely trying to make him, he's meant to be a little over 6 feet tall in LR). And even Persephone's height is still around 5"5-5"7, so they're not even that "short", they just often appear shorter in relation to Hades. At least, that's the approach I'm going for lmaoo (my standard marker for it is that Persephone comes up to his chest / collarbone area).

Plus - though this is just my personal opinion - it's also just nice to have more characters around Persephone's height, not only to showcase how much taller Hades is compared to most people around him, but also to make her a little less singled out in the height department, as LO often made her absurdly small to the point of infantilizing her (￢_￢;)

That said, Artemis is taller than Persephone coming in around 5"9, and Aphrodite is meant to be quite tall (p much the same height as Hades!) and we'll be seeing more of her later on in the story, so fear not, there are tall girls to be found :'3 <3

[orionsangel86]

The Problem With Thessaly

I’m sure plenty of fans would agree with me that there are certain elements of the Sandman comics that are going to be very difficult to adapt for television. I don’t envy the mammoth task Neil and the creative team on the show have ahead of them. But one element in particular which has been on my mind frequently is how they are going to introduce Thessaly to our screens.

It’s not just that she’s a TERF. It’s that she’s a cold, cruel, selfish, and inconsiderate bitch who only ever thinks about herself. Oh yeah, and she’s a huge TERF. There isn’t a single likeable element to her.

And yet.

We are supposed to somehow believe that our main protagonist, idiotic as he may sometimes be, depressed and seriously down on his luck as he is, will fall head over heels in love with her.

Sorry. But it ain’t happening. Something has gotta change. So here are my thoughts on how they could fix the Thessaly Problem.

Under a cut for comic spoilers (and its a bit long)

I kinda get the reason it happens in the comics. Kinda. I can’t remember the exact quote, or where I read it, but Neil explained it as “two people who you know are absolutely not right for each other and no one who knows them can understand why they are together.” He purposely wrote it to be a really weird match that didn’t make sense.

From Dream’s perspective, at this point in the story he has just had some of his biggest romantic disasters slapped in his face (at one point literally) all within a very short space of time for an entity as long lived as him. First Calliope, then Nada, and then Alianora, and he is hurting from all of them. Having to face his romantic failures one after another within the space of a few years AFTER having to go through 70 odd years of relentless suffering trapped in a glass prison has GOT to mess with your head. So I think Thessaly is basically the worst rebound in history. They are only canonically together for a few weeks but he somehow falls head over heels for this plain, dull, horrible person. 100% this is a rebound. He’s messed up. So yeah, I kinda get it.

From Thessaly’s perspective it seems she just really liked the idea of being the object of someones attention and desire even though she never returned his feelings and left him the minute he stopped devoting all his attention to her (god she really is a bitch).

So why don’t I think this will work in the show?

Because the show is a kinder universe than the comic. Dream is different in the show. He is already more thoughtful, warm, compassionate, and has a better self awareness when it comes to his shortcomings. He’s also a far more romantic character in the show, which is probably thanks to Tom Sturridge’s excellent performance and likeability and absolutely maddening sexual chemistry with literally every character he interacts with (his pretty face doesn’t hurt either). You just have to look at his scenes with Calliope to know that they are playing up the romance and kindness there when in the comics Dream is extremely cold to Calliope throughout their very short interactions.

Given the news that the writing team on Game of You will include trans writers specifically to cover the sensitivities of honouring Wanda, I don’t know how they will adapt the transphobia she suffers at Thessaly’s hand, or whether they will include that at all - personally I think they should remove it. Not to make Thessaly more likeable, but because it reinforces a really wrong view of witchcraft and magick that modern witches and pagans are working extremely hard to reject. Not to get too deep into these topics, but transphobia is a fucking plague in those communities and the last thing we need is more people thinking everyone who practices witchcraft is a fucking TERF. The comic even goes so far as to imply the actual MOON is transphobic. Like WTF? The moon isn’t fucking transphobic and “womb magic” is stupid. If I ever have to read the words “divine feminine” in a witchcraft FB group again I’m gonna scream.

Anyway my point is that I don’t think those scenes in the comic are necessary and there are plenty of other ways to adapt that story without resorting to transphobia.

The other issue is that if they do keep it in, they somehow have to deal with the fact that their protagonist is seemingly totally cool with dating a transphobic murderous bitch. Um. Yeah, not cool Dream. I think the show is going to do everything it can to make Dream MORE likeable and based on what we have seen so far I definitely think that’s the route they are taking.

So yeah Dream won’t be falling in love with a TERF in the show, that I am sure of.

The thing is, the best way they can deal with the Thessaly problem is also the simplest - Don’t include her. Just don’t write her into the show. Simples.

Because we already have a character in the show universe who technically doesn’t exist in comic canon, who knows magic and the occult, and who is MUCH more likeable and kind whilst still being a bit messy and selfish and totally a terrible match for Dream... Oh, and who also happens to be played by possibly the most well known actor on the shows main cast list.

Johanna Constantine.

Jenna Coleman is a fairly big name and one of the primary stars for the show. At least Netflix seemed to think so since her face was all over the marketing and she was included in basically every cast interview, even though her character only turns up in 1 and a half episodes. She is also playing a new version of an already well known character in pop culture and I am convinced Netflix is already considering spin off options for her. So there is no way they aren’t going to include her in future episodes of the Sandman.

Except thats where Netflix has a problem if it wants to stick to comic canon. Lady Johanna Constantine only turns up in one more Sandman story, and John Constantine doesn’t show up again at all in the comics.

So my piece of speculation that I’m almost 90% certain will happen, is that they will bring back modern Johanna Constantine in an extended or adapted role based on another character.

My money is on Thessaly. Remove Thessaly, replace her with Johanna.

I’m not just saying this because I think Johanna and Morpheus hooking up will be hot (it will be, don’t deny it. My bisexual ass knows a hot couple when I see them). But because it makes sense.

Yeah okay we have that pesky little rule about the Endless not dating mortals - but that rule currently doesn’t exist in show canon either, so theres no reason why they can’t just also scrap that for the sake of some sexy, messy, and definitely disastrous bi4bi action.

All jokes aside, with only a few tweaks to the story in a Game of You, you could seemlessly fit Johanna into it. She can be in New York for a specific case, hell, maybe Barbie and the sudden appearance of Martin Tenbones on a busy New York street IS the case she’s investigating? She can still find a way to break Hazel and Foxglove into the Dreaming AND when Morpheus shows up they can have another tantalising showdown like they did in episode 3. It works better with Johanna tbh. She actually cares about people, the motivation is there for her to want to save Barbie and protect people from supernatural sources. We can just make the storm and the collapse of the apartment block be caused by George or the cuckoo or something (or not have it happen at all since I am also practically certain that Wanda is NOT going to die in the show).

This ALSO means that much later on, when Lyta is having her breakdown and destroying the Dreaming, having Johanna being the one to protect her from Morpheus rather than Thessaly also adds a more human element to it. Morpheus has never been a killer, but sometimes his duties demand it. He goes to kill Lyta to prevent the Kindly Ones destroying the Dreaming. If it is Johanna blocking him instead of Thessaly, their motives align. Johanna would protect Lyta for the simple fact that she won’t let a supernatural creature harm a human (as much as she can - sorry Kevin), and Morpheus, being hesitant about killing anyway, would be easily talked out of it by Johanna. “Find another way to save the Dreaming, I won’t let you harm her.”

It just adds an emotional weight that isn’t there with Thessaly, who only protects Lyta because she made a deal with the Kindly Ones in exchange for more centuries of life - an ironic request when Morpheus (and Death) are keeping Hob Gadling alive simply so he can be Dream’s BFF.

It just works for me. Scrap the “no mortals” rule and you can have them have the messy disastrous relationship that doesn’t work out. It is far more believable that Johanna Constantine could break Dream’s heart - she’s already a known heartbreaker in the show (sorry Rachel). It’s a doomed love story a modern audience can get behind, makes sense, the actors already have insane sexual chemistry, and it could definitely hit all those story beats needed to get the show to a version of the Kindly Ones whilst also actively improving it.

I may first and foremost be a Dreamling shipper, but talking in terms of canon I very much want Morpheus to have a passionate short-lived heart breaking affair with Johanna. Fuck Thessaly. Keep her relegated to comic canon. Morphanna all the way.

And THAT is how we fix the problem with Thessaly.

[abavo]

My thoughts on the new LMK season

With no (or at least very minor) spoilers

TLDR: Its easy to focus on the drop in quality of the visuals since we can't focus too much on the other aspects of the series due to the language barrier, the english fandom will likely start having a more positive reaction to the season when the eng version drops and we can focus on character interaction and story.

RIP The YT channel hosting the episodes I will edit this post if it comes back up or someone reuploads them.

I'm probably gonna talk about the animation the most as I'll have to wait for the eng version to come out before I can talk too much about the story.

Also all of this is my opinion if you don't agree that's fine, make your own post with your thoughts.

Like most people, I don't really like the new animation, which sucks because WB is capable of good animation (some really good animation) but because LMK wasn't designed for puppet animation and WB was likely pushed to get this season out, the quality suffered. Some of the animation looks pretty good but a lot of it is stunted and some characters look out of place. It also doesn't help that a lot of older animation was reused (for flashbacks and such) which makes it a lot harder to adapt to the new animation style.

I'm not one to notice mistakes in animation so I wasn't taken out of the experience every time a character is off model but if you are you might have a hard time watching it.

The 3D models are also especially rough this season, there's one that keeps appearing (likely due to a tie in set) but it looks bad and it's really jarring

But I think "give workers more time to create higher quality products" is like, the coldest take in the world and I think most people wish FB had stayed or a studio that works with hand drawn animation was picked as a replacement. I think WB can do some great stuff and if they animate the next season I'm sure it will look better and I hope that lego will give the studio more time to work to achieve that polished look.

Pacing is a potential problem I'm noticing as well. I feel like some characters show up for like a minute and then disappear which is fine for some cameos of fan favorites but its frustrating when new characters that showed up in the trailer barely had any screen time (it really sucks because some of them are really cool looking! and I wanted to see more of them)

I can't talk too much about characterization but there are some things that definitely feel out of character, most notably something that happens towards the end of episode 1, I've seen some people refer to this as fandomization of the character but I'd need to wait for the eng version to come out before I can say yes to that. I think it's much more likely they just needed that character to do something and figured it could be a way to show how that character has changed although I do think it needed more buildup maybe that will change when I actually understand what's happening though lol.

Other than that I think the characterization is mostly intact (again will need to see the eng version) but its the same writers so I don't see why characters would act strange. There does appear to be some super interesting stuff that happens towards the end can't wait to figure out what thats about.

Plot is hard to follow (again language barrier) but seems fun if a little generic, I can't talk too much about it because I don't really know whats going on and this is spoiler free

New characters seem fun! Wish I knew what they were saying though! I wish some of them stuck around a little bit longer as some of them are only shown for a few minutes which again sucks! because some of them have really cool designs and I would have liked to see more of them.

[away-ward]

im sorry for this rant KO, but why on earth is the bonus content for nightfall is the start of the horsemen? Like omfg. I really dont need it to exist because i like the mystery of them. Why can't we just have a willemmy bonus 😭 i'm so fucking upset. I initially wanted to pre-order the paperback but thinking about that whole alex drama in BC, i didn't, thank the lord for that! But i was still hoping for a willemmy bonus or maybe a will or emmy's back story, but we're getting to see Damon, A-FUCKING-GAIN? How many fucking bonus do we have to see him??! Fuck, i'm so upset, idk who to rant this with because i don't talk about this series to anybody irl.

Excerpt from PD's insta:

DAMON GRABS HIS JACKET OFF THE COURT AND PULLS IT ON AS HE LEAVES.

"YOU OKAY?" MICHAEL ASKS KAI.

BUT KAI JUST GESTURES TO DAMON WHO PUSHES THROUGH THE HEAVY DOUBLE DOORS. "I TOLD YOU, MAN," HE BLURTS OUT TO MICHAEL. "HE'S TROUBLE."

"NO," MICHAEL QUICKLY RETORTS, LOOKING IN THE DIRECTION DAMON LEFT. "HE'S AN ENFORCER, KAI."

HIS FRIEND STARES AT HIM.

"AND EVERY TEAM NEEDS ONE," MICHAEL ADDS, DROPPING THE BASKETBALL INTO KAI'S HANDS. "TELL THE COACH I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

end-

🥲 ngl, i'm so sick of damon's appearance, at this point not only his character wasn't my fav, pd over-pushing him makes me really hate him now. "He's the enforcer" ughhhh, and when did this branding ever came up in the devil's night series? I only remember this point being discussed here on your blog of your meta about damon's character and his implicit role in their friend group and family. Istg i really never saw his role being discussed and branded like this anywhere, so the only place it could happen was in the private chat's of their pendragon fb group or between PD and their editor/most trusted beta readers. Istg the pettier side of me feels like some of PD's fb group fans saw your discussion posts here with other anons and told on PD, then they got inspired by you ideas about "his role" in the family. Which in theory, i don't see much wrong from it, but truly, where did this role establishment and branding came from? And ofc in PD's fashion, they had to rebrand Damon's role to be positive and borderline inspiring 🙄

and fuck, who cares about logic right? Definitely not PD when they kept on writing A and meaning B in their stories, but kept on being pissed off when readers understood it as A. 🤡

at this point, i'm not even excited anymore for this bonus content. I genuinely thought something good will come out of it, but with their opinion of willemmy a few weeks ago, and now with this. Idk. But I just know and fully sure now that PD just wanted to avoid the alex-aydin-will-emmy qna discussion extra materials, because they knew they fucked that one up, and many readers hated it, and so they probably want to just bury that shit and move past it. So of course, we'll never gonna get a willemmy bonus content. Ugh. I can't fault them for wanting to move on, but for someone who wnats to move on so bad and ignore the uncomfy parts of their own mistake in writing, they sure as hell is still be talking and hinting at this series from time to time especially for their most fav characters 🙄

but fr KO, it really left a sour taste in my mouth when an author behaves like this. Penelope Douglas is just so, ugh, idk. At this point ideky i'm still hoping for them to be better tbh when they've always been known to be problematic, like they're always just so disappointing. I need to detach my feelings for books i like to read with their authors, because i'm just gonna end up upset like this. But it's so hard!!! Especially when they're indies and you like some parts of the things they put out, and can't always find it anywhere else. Ughhh. i heard that series by Monty Jay was giving DN, so i might check it out, and i really hope it's better.

+ when you get a reach of the bonus materials, will you be sharing them here and share your thoughts and opinions about them? I'm a big yapper and i just wanna yap with somebody about it frfr.

Hey. Oh man, I feel your pain.

I really dont need it to exist because i like the mystery of them. Why can't we just have a willemmy bonus

Ohh, I wish I was with you on this but I’m actually excited about it. As someone who wants to understand these characters better, and who absolutely goes bonkers over character origin stories, this is right up my alley. I never expected any kind of Willemmy scene, so maybe I’m not as disappointed as I would be otherwise.

From what I heard, there are some willemmy scenes in this origin story though! So not all hope is lost (although I don’t know how it’s supposed to make sense, since I’ve also heard that this starts during their freshmen year and Emmy’s a year younger so… but whatever. I’m just happy for the moments!)

I am so sorry that this isn’t what you wanted!

Istg the pettier side of me feels like some of PD's fb group fans saw your discussion posts here with other anons and told on PD, then they got inspired by you ideas about "his role" in the family. Which in theory, i don't see much wrong from it, but truly, where did this role establishment and branding came from?

As much as this idea tickles me, the fact is that this was probably written months ago, and I only really had that discussion with in the past few weeks. More than likely, we were just picking up on something PD was implying the entire time.

But I just know and fully sure now that PD just wanted to avoid the alex-aydin-will-emmy qna discussion extra materials, because they knew they fucked that one up, and many readers hated it, and so they probably want to just bury that shit and move past it.

I’m still holding out of that pinterest board and discussion questions (though, it may be a lost cause). It just seems so stupid that they’d withhold those two things since they’re so minor compared to the bonus scene.

they sure as hell is still be talking and hinting at this series from time to time especially for their most fav characters

Coming from a writer’s perspective, it’s hard to let your favs go. Long after the other characters stop “speaking” to you, your favs come back. You still see them doing stuff. And PD is proud of the series, so of course they’re not going to bury it.

But yes, I agree that the fandom has been pretty loud about wanting some more willemmy content for some closure, and it shouldn’t be this hard to sit and think about the characters and deliver something, just to be kind to your readers and fans. I can’t say why PD is so resistant to it, but that’s for them to know.

i heard that series by Monty Jay was giving DN, so i might check it out, and i really hope it's better.

I had to look it up, and I’m assuming you’re speaking about the hollow boys? I haven’t read it, but if you do get around to it, I hope you enjoy it.

Regarding PD, I hardly ever look into the background of an author or give them a second thought. I also have never had the desire to contact an author, or do meet and greets or anything, that’s just me. So, I’ve never had the issue of needing to detach a work from an author, but I can see the struggle.

+ when you get a reach of the bonus materials, will you be sharing them here and share your thoughts and opinions about them? I'm a big yapper and i just wanna yap with somebody about it frfr.

I absolutely will share my thoughts, of course! I might do a reading react, or just a summary of my thoughts, whatever feels right. Again, I feel for your frustration and disappointment. The let down is never easy, but you'll read better books in the future. This isn't the last of it for you. So look forward to finding your next favorite read.

-KO

[rukbat3]

Babylon 5 Rewatch - Mind War

This is a post I originally wrote several years ago for Mark Oshiro’s Mark Watches blog. I don’t really plan to edit them before posting, so there may be some references that don’t make sense. If you see words that look like gibberish, they are actually rot13, which was our way of discussing spoilers. There are plugins you can install to decode the text (Cryptext is the one I use), or you can copy/paste to rot13.com, or just ignore it.

Hooray! Catherine Sakai is back! This means she’s going to be a recurring character, not just a single-episode romance character! I love how in this episode you can see the conflict between their two jobs, but it’s not a huge deal; it’s just something they’re learning to navigate. [season 1] Nyfb, unun, V sbetbg nobhg guvf yvar jurer Fvapynve gnyxf nobhg univat gb znxr ohqtrg phgf va pbafgehpgvba. Guvf vf rknpgyl jul V ybir O5. Gur pbagvahvgl srryf fb betnavp.

As you can see farther down, I think the way that G’Kar interacts with Catherine is so interesting. From everything we’ve seen about his character so far, we absolutely buy into Catherine’s interpretation of his actions. And the episode itself basically leads us to think he’s up to something nefarious. But no! He really was just trying to help. It gives us another level of insight into his character that makes us think maybe there’s something more to him than just the loud, brash, antagonistic person we’ve seen before.

As far as the main plot of the episode, it’s Star Trek comes to Babylon 5! (Or if you’re me, the other way around. The first time I watched Star Trek: The Motion Picture, I gasped when Chekov first appeared and said, “It’s Bester!”) There’s not much more I can say at this point. We get some hints of shady doings happening back on Earth, but whether anything more will come of it is yet to be seen.

I would like to highlight two scenes, though. The first is Talia’s description of what it’s like when telepaths make love. It’s very evocative, and I have always found this scene to be particularly memorable. Naq vg’f fhecevfvatyl vzcbegnag zhpu yngre ba va gur fubj. Abg gb zragvba znxvat pregnva guvatf jr svaq bhg nobhg gur Cfv Pbecf rira zber ubeevslvat. And the second is Jason Ironheart’s explanation of what the Psi Corps experiments were aiming to do. “Think about it. You want to assassinate someone, so you get a telekinetic. He reaches into a person's throat and gently, quietly, with a thought, he pinches the carotid artery shut. The blood stops; the brain starves; the target dies; and then you just let go. Murder without a trace.” Absolutely chilling.

There’s a third scene not directly relating to this subplot, but relating to telepaths in general that I think it’s important to discuss. And that’s the scene where Talia is explaining to some random guy what it’s like to be a telepath and they share an elevator with Garibaldi, who is obviously thinking something sexual about Talia, which she picks up on. I feel like we get a scene like this one in a lot of books/shows/movies where mind-reading is a thing, and it’s often played for laughs, as it is here. But for me, there are a lot of questions raised by this brief moment. In a world where the existence of telepaths is widely known, how responsible is Garibaldi, who is not a telepath and presumably hasn’t received any form of mental training, for controlling his thoughts? What if he hadn’t known Talia was a telepath? Would that make it okay? On the other hand, he’s just overheard her talking about how hard it is to block out strong emotion. Does that give him more responsibility to control himself then before?

Because if he can be held responsible, then it seems to me that what he did to Talia is a form of sexual assault, or at least harassment. But are we okay with what amounts to a form of thought policing? Once you open the door to punishing someone for what may well have been a stray thought, there are any number of ways that could be abused. On the other hand, why should all the responsibility lie with Talia, or any other telepath to protect themselves? I don’t see any easy answers here.

[season 4, TV movie] Nyfb, jung vf vg va guvf frevrf nobhg gryrcnguf naq gur zra jub ner vagrerfgrq va gurz va ryringbef? Vg arire tbrf jryy!

Favorite scene: The two scenes that G’Kar and Catherine Sakai have together often get mixed up in my head when I’m thinking about this episode, so I can’t really pick one over the other. In each of them, G’Kar says something I really love. In the first, it’s “No one here is exactly what he appears. Not Mollari, not Delenn, not Sinclair. And not me.” This is borne out in the events of this episode, at least in G’Kar’s case, which makes you wonder: How right is he about everyone else? V nyfb ybir guvf dhbgr orpnhfr vg frrzf gb zr gung vg’f bar bs gur birenepuvat gurzrf bs gur fubj va trareny. Ab bar vf rknpgyl jub gurl nccrne ng svefg tynapr. Abg rira Orfgre! In the second scene, I love G’Kar’s explanation of what Catherine saw at Sigma 957, but I love what he says next even more: “They are a mystery. And I am both terrified and reassured to know that there are still wonders in the universe—that we have not yet explained everything.” And when you put both scenes together, I find them collectively eye-opening about what this show is trying to do, not just with the character of G’Kar, but with the world of the show in general. Vg’f rfcrpvnyyl vagrerfgvat gb pbzr onpx gb gurfr fprarf nsgre lbh’ir svavfurq gur fubj naq guvax nobhg whfg ubj evtug T’Xne vf.

[trellia]

I think this post is a long time coming. But also, maybe 1 - someone has pointers to help and 2 - maybe someone else is struggling similarly and would like to know said pointers too.

I have been quite the recluse the past few months. From everyone, really. Why that is why I’m making this post. If you feel like I’ve been drawing away, you’re not wrong. I have. I’ve not been doing too good since… I’d say October. A lot of events have turned my world around for one, realizing what I am living in and not what I thought I was living in. That was something on its own…. At the same time, I was going through the steps to figure out if I have ADHD. I found out a couple months ago that yes, indeed, I do have ADHD.

The diagnosis was first a relief: finally, I now know there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just wired different. However, relief soon turned into contempt. I became very, very angry. I am very angry. I just reached my 40’s. For at least 35+ years, I’ve been degraded and hurt by the people who should have protected me, understood me, especially in my childhood. Teachers, principals and parents of other children took part in this bullying campaign their children had going, only because I wasn’t following the ‘norms’. I endured trauma so great that I can barely function today.

I mean, I look at the videos of my childhood and I see it immediately: I’m not like the other kids. I’m more hyper, excited, and I just want everyone to take part in the fun, but I’m too much for it. It’s right there. I was called names by adults, and scolded for not doing things the way neurotypical people would. I was called lazy. I was told I don’t care for anyone but myself when, in fact, I have always put everyone ahead of me because I would rather see them happy than be happy myself. So you can imagine how difficult it was to hear that I am selfish and don’t care for anyone else…

I’m also angry at the current people in my life. Some of which have told me to ‘fix’ myself because I was an inconvenience they didn’t want to deal with. So I tried EVERY way to do so, and of course that didn’t work because I was trying to put bandaids on symptoms rather than help with what was the actual problem, but then when I asked for help, I was shunned away like I didn’t deserve it. I lost an entire decade (my late 20’s and my 30’s) asking myself what the hell is wrong with me, why am I such a terrible person, and why can’t I do anything right, and spending my 30’s walking on eggshells everywhere AND in the rpc because I was connection deprived and needed everyone to love me, which led to nefarious people taking advantage and hurt me further. (that’s a post for another day.)

Now here’s the main problem: I’m so angry I want to hurt someone. Not physically, but in every other way. It doesn’t matter who you are, I just want to lash out, whoever you are, friend or otherwise. An example: a friend made a new original character that is actually perfectly fine and pretty good, it’s a great OC! — but inside all I want to do is destroy that break their love for the OC and ruin it for them. Just… because. And that’s NOT okay. The good news is that I see it, I realize it. Which is why I have isolated myself. None of my friends deserve this. But I am angry. I am enraged, because I feel I’ve lost most of my life ‘fixing’ myself until I masked so hard I didn’t even realize until it slipped at 28. I know exactly when it slipped too.

Also, considering the kind of world we live in, I feel like I’ve lived past the mid-mark of my life. I’m not sure I’ll live up to 50 at this point. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair at all that I had to go through all this and still suffer. So yes, I’m very angry. But I also don’t WANT to hurt anyone. Especially not the people I care for… This is why I have not been on disco.rd. I have removed FB (because I wanted to for a long time tho lol ), tiktok… And have mostly removed myself from public spaces.

If you have pointers or ideas on how to get past that anger, please, please share. I don’t really know what to do with it. I don’t know how to tame it. And it scares me tbh. I don’t want to be like this. This isn’t me… but it’s so hard not to be angry…

So… yah: if I don’t respond on disco or otherwise, or not right away, it’s not you, I’m the one stepping away so I won’t say something I really don’t mean just for the sake of harming someone because I can’t accept what has been done to me.

If you read this far, thank you. Otherwise, here’s the jinx of it:

tldr; I was officially diagnosed with ADHD and realized I’ve been treated terribly by my peers because of it and shunned away when I asked for help, so now I’m extremely angry at everything and want to hurt someone (anyone) though I don’t really want to. How do I get over this?

[ahopelessprincessreincarnation]

Just now, I made a quick little digital art sketch-doodle drawing or something on my phone's IbisPaintX App while watching a random YouTube video where some dude on his Channel talks about fictional media or whatever(I hate how much I enjoy video essays and calmer-toned rants)and I had gotten inspired by a random GachaTuber who is attempting to create more 2000s moe style anime stuff which I am sorta growing fond of specifically. I was looking up random tutorials too to freshen up some rusty basic skills I could learn again and I decided I wanted to draw a cute/kawaii feminine boy neko/cat person I guess lmfao. While I was drawing however, I guess the subject matter made me think about how when I look up stuff relating to men who are feminine, so much of it(and please forgive me if I'm mistaken)seems so...Idk sexual in undertones if not upfront??I don't wanna sound like a prude or anything, as long as you're not doing anything immoral I really don't care, it's just that it kinda sucks because it seems like so many people treat it like some sort of fetish instead of a way boys can express themselves. I've also heard that the original terms such as the t-word(tr*p) or the FB word(F*mboy) had come from really gross degrading porn categories that had seemingly took a part in the violence against and suffering of trans women/trans girls or atleast trans fems. I sorta want to make a character that's still super cutesy and kind and gentle, but at the same time isn't super sexual inherently you know? Hope there's no hard feelings or anything, sorry if I'm not explaining stuff correctly QwQ.

[n41r]

Hii, it's been a while since I send an ask and hope you're doing okay! Thanks a lot for the card redraws, I can use my old card and aaaaa- They're also the perfect size when I printed the three of them on normal paper like, the attention to detail here are just too good!!! (T^T)

I want to ask on umm... maybe the elements in general and command reels, if that's okay. Does the Oreca monsters' elements affect the amount of damage to the enemy? How do you get the command to change from one command reels to another (I mean on changing from 1* reel to 2* reel for example) and/or Store Up command?

I'm doing okay, and you're welcome! I'm very glad to hear that your old companions can join in your battle again! (^^

Also wow, this is a pretty heavy question- But I'll try my best to answer to the best of my abilities, even tho I'm not really experienced in this subject-

Please keep in mind that most of what I'm going to write here are stuff that I learned second-handedly(?) from much more experienced players from both the FB community, the Japanese Oreca Battlers community, and the JP fanwiki I hope I can do what I've learned from them justice by trying to explain this-

First of all,

Elements/Attributes affect the power of your attack by a lot

Especially if you picked the right monsters with the right element attribute with your opponent

Let's take a look at this handy dandy element table that's illustrated on the JP fanwiki

As explained by Data here, a monster with fire attribute are stronger against water attribute monsters, especially if your attacks also have the right(?) element attribute as well

And by referring to the handy dandy element table from the JP fanwiki, you can easily discern which other element are stronger from which element

But as you can see, there's also the second attribute that each elements have, like Heat, Ice, Thunder, and Poison And not mentioned on the table, there are other hidden(?) attribute like Light, Dark, Holy, and Evil

Most of these second/hidden element are usually placed as an attack's attribute, like Ares's "Heat Saber" (Heat), Dia's "Shining Claiomh Solais" (Light), Mummy's "Acid" (Poison), and many, many many more-

For more precise and detailed info, I'd suggest to check the JP fanwiki instead, but for easier understanding, just refer back to the previously introduced handy dandy element table, and/or checking each character's entry in the JP fanwiki

-----------------------------------------------

And now, here comes the most complicated and hard to explain part of this game! Say hello to the hidden mechanic with no official explanation of Oreca Battle,

Skill and Technique Cost!

As explained by JP fanwiki, there is no real official statement on this mechanic, and most of what is written on the JP fanwiki are fruit of labor and experimentation by many Oreca Battlers over the years

But let's try to simplify it a bit- This is how I understand it, and it might be wrong too, so, yea- Please take this with a grain of salt-

I'm going to use my team's Beelzebub's commands reel as an example here, like, a bad example-

Let's say that a command reel have certain but undeterminable maximum value, okay? First of all, Beelzebub's first reel have "Death", which is a very cost heavy skill This means, it's going to be pretty difficult to get "★->★★" If I don't get rid of "Death" on that first reel, it will be either be nearly impossible or took a lot of luck for a "★->★★" to shows up on that reel

And not to mention, the RNG factor- Sometime, the certain command you want to change might not get replaced, or you get a bad command instead (ex. "Critical Strike" became a normal "Attack") This RNG factor became even worse when your monster reached level 10-

For example After reaching level 10, my team's Burn, CuChulain, and Culann have the tendencies to learn "Cover" or other lower cost skill to replace other powerful commands more often than they were before reaching level 10 There was this one time when my team's Lv. 10 Burn managed to learn "★★->★★★" by pure luck, but other than that, he always insist on learning "Phoenix Cloak" instead-

This is probably why every command sample you see on the JP fanwiki always insist that you need atleast one or two "Miss"/"Smile"/"Attack"/"Save up" commands on your reel, so you can fit more "★->★★" and the likes on your reel

So if you want to increase the probability of getting more "★->★★", you will need to either replace some heavy-looking skill, or take a lot of patience-

-----------------------------------------------

And that's probably the extent of what I could explain here-

I hope I could help even if just a little bit-

[shackld]

𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐔𝐍

NAME : Makenzie / Mak / Kai / Makai

PRONOUNS : She/her/they/them but I really don't mind any!

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION : Oh discord always one hundred percent, I always forget and am very bad about tumblr dms lmao

MOST ACTIVE MUSE : Absolutely Chief right now and in the foreseeable future!! I do have other blogs I hop around on depending on how I'm feeling but I always have Chief's blog open, I care her so much especially considering I started musing her like a day after PTN came out-

EXPERIENCE / HOW MANY YEARS : Tumblr rp wise, I've started around the latter half of 2016? I think it was October? But as of actual writing and roleplaying, I've done so for a little earlier like on fb / chatzy / deviantart and wow..... wild looking back on it :))) (save me from these memories)

BEST EXPERIENCE : I'm gonna be so cheesy and saying picking up Chief in the first place. It's absolutely insane how fast and how hard she found her way into my heart, I just adore this character so fucking much that starting writing her has to be up there for my best experience I'M SORRY IT FEELS LIKE A COP OUT BUT ITS TRUE. Top three favorite muses for sure.

RP PET PEEVE : See, this so hard for me to answer because examples leave my head so quickly aaaa maybe like. This has nothing to do with actual like plotting or characters or writing but when people. can't like. talk it out or complain about everything all the time? So many issues can be resolved between people just by talking or if you can't come to an agreement, just be civil and leave on respected terms. I dunno thats just one its probably not the biggest but its what my mind gave me!

PLOTS OR MEMES : I will try both always I always adore doing both but I definitely do lean towards memes. Memes give free reign and they can be so silly or so angsty or anything! Also I feel like I'm a bad plotter and I don't wanna let anyone dow-*shot*

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES : I do fancy the occasional short reply but that really only goes for crack purposes or just being silly! Whether I like it or not, I always end up writing a shit ton because there's just. There's so much to say!!! I have to get these thoughts and my muse's thoughts out of my head and you will deal with them!

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES : I definitely don't have Chief's uhhhh chutzpah. But I feel like we both can be pretty damn stubborn lmao and I try and do the 'right thing' but that might not always work out, we're both pretty stupid but I like to think I always try like her!!! Also. Silly little guys :)

Tagged by: @serpentsexile why u wanna learn things about me huh so u can learn my weakness and destroy me???? i see you <3

Tagging: @bitterseadrop @heincus @ahogedetective @lausticzt @ichigokurosaki @imarahuyo @shiningstages

[0shewrites0]

New fic coming - December 28, 2022

if not today, maybe tomorrow

moodboard by the amazing @csmicletters 😭🤍

fandom | LITG

pairing | Eddie x MC (Liv)

synopsis |

What if it were possible to look into the future to see what kind of outcome certain decisions you make will produce?

Would that change anything?

Would you make different choices, or would it ultimately lead to the same result no matter how hard you tried?

Eddie Harris, or Edward Archibald-Harris as his parents would call him by his full name, has a secret and a once in a lifetime opportunity. Will he take it, or will he lose it all?

pov | Eddie - with a few chapters from Liv’s pov

genre(s) | angst. pining. unrequited crush/love. second chances. hurt/comfort. romance. fluff. friends to lovers. slow burn. other additional tags on ao3.

author’s note | Eddie is going to be pretty ooc - firstly, because we just don’t know much about any of the islanders in s5 and secondly, because fb ruined his character in a way that made me really upset. So I wanted to give him the route he (AND WE) would’ve deserved. Warning: He is not a (pseudo-)villain in this fic!

get to know them | Eddie Harris & Olivia Machado

posting schedule | weekly, on Wednesday

tag list | @csmicletters @caitkaminski @fujihime-litg @willkimurashat (let me know if you’d like to be added to the weekly tag list! 🫶🏼)

The first part of the prologue is already up on ao3 so if you haven’t read that yet (it originally was supposed to be just a one shot oops) go and read it here 🤍

[leviackermansgoodgirl]

Bare with me on this yall cause it's my first legit written out post here. (Has 97% to do with Levi Ackerman tho)

💥TRIGGER WARNING💥 mentions of Death, Car Accodent, CHSA/SA, cursing, mental health

I'm going through what feels like a living hell right now and thankfully as always Captain Levi to the fuckin rescue!

I found out last week that my 29yo cousin passed away in a horrible car accident and this week I was then told he was on the wrong side of the road at 3am on his way to work and had to be identified through dental records as the vehicle caught on fire and his body was burned beyond recognition... my real world boyfriend found out last night that his 12yo female cousin has been repeatedly assaulted by her foster father for we don't know how long. Plus my bf also got hacked on FB and started getting cyber bullied and roasted.

HERES WHERE CAPTAIN LEVI COMES IN

So to stay sane personally, I've basically been deriving my comfort from writing in my book that's about our dear captain and y/n (aka myself too) where Levi is listening to my character explain about being Beaten to death by a horrific boyfriend but she's saved when doctors bring her back and she's dissociated explaining this event while he's trying to control himself not to go hunt that bastard down...

Anyways I got to thinking (my real world bf has focused mainly on his problems much less on me or my grief and even when he does it's not in the ways I need...) I feel like with how perceptive Levi is paired with his own trauma filled life experiences, that he'd basically be the perfect partner especially for anyone that has/is dealing with trauma.

Levi would immediately notice when somethings 'off' whether it's anxiety, depression, ptsd, a breakdown etc. He'd immediately ask you what's wrong or going on bc he knows you aren't okay and gods help you if you try to say 'Oh its nothing/I'm fine' you're 100% getting the arched eyebrow look. He'd sit you down and ask you what you need or what he cam do to help you right now so that you're completely in control and his actions will match your words perfectly because he cares about your needs and understands how difficult it can be to bring up when somethings up.

He'd focus singularly on YOU NOT HIMSELF OR HIS PROBLEMS BECAUSE YOURE HIS PRIORITY RN! He never interrupts you or points the conversation or cathartic session towards himself because HE KNOWS YOU NEED THIS! When you stop talking because you're getting emotional and know you're about to break, he'll grab onto and hold you tight against his chest stroking your hair soothingly telling you

"It's okay babygirl. Just let it out you don't have to be strong right now I've got you."

And not a single piece of you doubts him which allows you to be fully vulnerable.

I feel like levi would've actually studied everything he could about all different manner of trauma, it's effects on the brain/emotions/ personality... so you never have to explain or even question yourself because when he notices you beating yourself up emotionally he will explain why what you're feeling and how you're behaving is perfectly understandable and 100% valid while reminding you not to be so hard on yourself.

"Show yourself the grace, compassion, and understanding that you give to everyone else in the world you encounter love. " he'd remind you.

I really need Levi to be beside me right now but I fully admit just thinking about having such an incredible perfect partner helped me so much!

PS: sorry for the long winded cathartic spill yall in really hurting tonight and Levi is where so much of my comfort is based right now.

Love yall!!

[thisdiscontentedwinter]

Hi Disco! I have an author question for you that's pretty specific. I'm trying to get my career as an indie/small-publisher romance author off the ground. I've published a few books, but I'm floundering when it comes to attracting new readers. Social media can only do so much. Do you have any recommendations regarding trustworthy and effective forms of advertising? There's a million places you could spend money, but I worry about scams. Amazon? Facebook? Something I don't know about? Thank you!

DW:

Sadly, there's no secret trick you don't know about!

I've personally never had much luck with Amazon ads, but I do recommend checking out Bryan Cohen's Ad Challenges. These run pretty regularly, and they're free (apart from your ad spend), so they're a great place to learn how to go about ads. Or, if you're like me, to get even more confused.

Facebook is awful. We all know it. But it is where I find a lot of my readers. Do you have a reader group? Join a few, and check out what they do. Then start your own! Join the m/m rec groups and check their rules on promo. Self rec your books when readers ask for something that might fit what they're looking for.

Check out my group here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/rockhenryhoney

The most valuable resource on Facebook, for me, is the Gay and MM Author Network, which was set up by Lucy Lennox, who is not only a huge success in the genre, she's also amazingly generous with her time and advice. If you're a published author you can join, and it is an absolutely treasure trove of knowledge.

I checked out your website (I love your hair!) and saw you already have a newsletter. If you haven't read this book already, buy it now:

Do you have a reader magnet for your newsletter? A free short story that you can tell people about in the back of your book? "Hey, if you want to know what crazy thing happens to these characters on their regular date night, sign up now for my newsletter!" Or something like that; you get the idea.

It's very slow work building a newsletter. Keep an eye out for joint author events on places like Prolific Works. You might be limited in your ability to join these because you're with a publisher (some events require making your books free or cheaper for a period but not all do, so it's worth keeping an eye out). You only really find out about these things via word of mouth, so the more authors you know on FB (and the more who know you!) the easier it becomes for these opportunities to pop up for you.

And join the mailing list of the 3 Peachy PAs. They regularly have events to grow your social media following.

The most important thing is what you've already done here. Reach out to other authors and ask! It can be very easy to feel disillusioned when it can be so hard to get eyes on your books, but remember, it's a marathon and not a sprint.

Your books look amazing (I just bought them!) and I am very much looking forward to reading them!

(And join my Facebook group, seriously!)

[boku-no-anime-phase]

Sugar Apple Fairy Tale first season review

(with apologies to the friend who recommended this to me, for thinking way too hard about this piece of media like I do everything. Sorry friend. I'm incapable of being a casual enjoyer.)

Spoilers for Sugar Apple Fairy Tale S1 upcoming, as well as discussion of topics like sexism, discrimination and slavery.

SAFT follows Ann Halford, an aspiring sugar artist, as she enters sugar sculpture competitions, takes freelance work with unreasonable clients who don't know what they want, trains under sugar sculpture masters, and deals with politics and sexism in the workplace. Oh yeah, and falls in love with her man-sized gothboy fairy friend.

I honestly don't even know where to start with this show 😂

Let's talk plot. When I watch anime, I expect to have to swallow some wild stuff in the first episode to establish the premise. My Hero Academia said "suddenly everyone got powers, idk how." Fruits Basket said, "these boys turn into animals (literally) when a girl touches them." Once you get past the wild initial premise, you can pretty much sit back and enjoy the show. And those shows are kinda classic! So having a ridiculous premise doesn't mean you can't have a great show (especially in the case of FB, which has an absolutely absurd premise, but is a phenomenal and moving show once you accept that and immerse yourself).

With SAFT, I felt like every episode I had to accept some new aspect of the world that was difficult to swallow. I don't think it ever explained why sugar and sugar sculptures are so culturally important to this kingdom. That wouldn't have been an issue as long as they established how important sugar sculptures actually were - I was surprised over and over again by minor characters' investment in the over-arching plot. 🤷 The storytelling also didn't feel internally consistent. Certain plot beats or themes were introduced like halfway through the season, where they definitely should have come up before. And certain plot points definitely felt contrived - characters coming up with solutions to problems that felt like they could have been solved another way.

It's not like I didn't have a good time watching this show - I did - but also I'm cursed to never just enjoy something, I have to Actually Think About It.

On that topic, let's talk about themes.

This show seemed like it had a few thoughts about sexism, slavery, and minorities... But I don't feel like it really committed and delivered its message, at least in the first season.

Fairies in this are often enslaved to humans and at the beginning we see some distrust from fairies directed towards Ann because of this dynamic, which I thought was interesting; but she quickly "proved herself" as an ally and won their trust.

The other messaging about fairy slavery is super mixed. Ann is against it and frees the only fairy she buys as soon as she is able (actually before it's even feasible but whatever). Another character we meet is a benevolent master to a fairy who is only "technically" enslaved - he could claim his freedom at any time, but doesn't because he enjoys his situation (😬). In another situation, an enslaved fairy is in love with her master. But then we meet another character who treats fairies, including free fairies, as subhuman, and the show highlights how she treats fairies differently than humans because she looks down on them, and that's bad. But it doesn't seem to make a consistent moral stand on the slavery of fairies, and often casts humans who "own" fairies in a sympathetic light, or paints the relationship between the human master and enslaved fairy as a mutually-agreed-upon, mutually beneficial thing. That made me pretty uncomfortable. It seems like the show wanted to really grapple with slavery as a topic, but couldn't stick the landing.

Also, towards the end of the season we find out that female sugar artists are extremely rare (feels like this should have come up earlier tbh!), and the show introduces ¿¿Christianity?? Or like a religion that seems to borrow really heavily from Christian creation myths and their sexist undertones? Anyway. Ann experiences a lot of gendered discrimination at this point. It seems like a weird time to introduce such an important theme, but 🤷 it also feels like it wants to grapple with sexism as a topic, but imo it fumbles there too - sexism is a factor in the harassment Ann experiences, but it's not really the thing that ultimately puts her in trouble. Also around this time, the show's second significant female character is introduced, and she actually fits a bunch of sexist stereotypes so it feels like the show shot itself in the foot.

The way the season ended, it seems like slavery is going to be an ongoing Big Topic, but I'm concerned that it's going to be a plot point rather than something to be truly grappled with and dealt with on a moral plane. If I were gonna make a prediction, I'd say S2 will be mostly concerned with slavery in the sense that Ann will be upset that Challe is serving someone else, and the orders his new master gives him will hurt Ann's feelings bc she thinks he's doing it because he wants to. That feels like an icky way to talk about slavery, to me. I could be wrong though (let's hope so).

I don't want to be one of those moral purists that's like, "shows shouldn't depict XYZ", but I do think it's kind of irresponsible to depict stuff like chattel slavery without giving it adequate moral consideration, and this show just... Doesn't seem like it's the type of show to spend a lot of time challenging the morals of something. Maybe S2 will be surprising but 🤷 I also recognize that this is Japanese media and idk what their history is with slavery but maybe it's not such a sensitive topic there. I'm not sure.

Last thing, which is more of a generalized anime gripe - the main character is 15 (which she takes care to inform us is the age of legal majority in her country). She's in love with a 100+yo. WHY 💀 they could have at least made her an adult - 3-4 years is not that different! Why is it always teenage girls in love with powerful immortals?

All in all, it's a fun brainless show with a cute developing interspecies romance if that's your thing. I can't turn off my brain and I also do intersectional feminist analysis here so here ya go 😅

Did you watch it? What did you think? How is S2 so far? I don't know how to end this post help

[kagetsukai]

I posted 541 times in 2022

13 posts created (2%)

528 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@jellydishes

@feralgoblintea

@heroofshield

@mapplestrudel

@out-of-the-embers

I tagged 473 of my posts in 2022

Only 13% of my posts had no tags

#avenue queue - 425 posts

#dragon age - 65 posts

#art rec - 58 posts

#da:i - 37 posts

#signal boost - 32 posts

#i'm wheezing - 32 posts

#cullen rutherford - 28 posts

#commander handsome - 26 posts

#humor - 22 posts

#love it - 15 posts

Longest Tag: 103 characters

#every other flavor of white person i know (in europe) would rather die than have their guests be hungry

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Someone just tried to “shame” me for reblogging a hospital color theory post

Sir, we’re both on Tumblr in the year of our lord Beyonce 2022 and YOU are calling ME out for being cringe? Baby, that ship has sailed a LONG time ago. Get with the program. We’re all cringe here, but you in particular. Have a nice day 😘

6 notes - Posted April 16, 2022

#4

Well... I guess I’m middle-aged now.

7 notes - Posted June 22, 2022

#3

The reason it’s hard for me to be a person who is positive about the future is because anytime my life starts looking up and maybe things start falling into place, something huge and negative shows up and knocks me the fuck down. I always have, and continue to, merely keep my head above water.

7 notes - Posted March 30, 2022

#2

End of the year writing round up

I was tagged by @barbex​ and @roguelioness​

Overview: This year I mostly stepped away from writing for Dragon Age after a series of unfortunate events that made me bitter about the fandom. I kind of started writing a fic for The Wayhaven Chronicles, but the story uses so little of canon that it might as well be an original at this point. That being said, I did write a fair bit of it and I’m quite proud.

As you can see, I wrote 72K words last year and I am thrilled, because it’s the most I’ve written in one year, ever - by about 20k words. As a bonus, here’s the percentages of how often I wrote in the last year. It’s not great, but it sure is better than 2020. Go me!

See the full post

9 notes - Posted January 1, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

This was supposed to be a time of excitement and hope for the future. Instead, it’s become a nightmare.

About three weeks ago I finally made the decision to separate from the man I was living with. After several years of living like casual roommates, he was still blindsided when I told him I wanted to move out away from him, as if our relationship hadn’t been the worst joke in existence. Alas, after some sulking and some FB dramatics on his part, I was excited to move on. I was looking at new places to move into.

And then I found out my mother had a serious fall and had cracked her head enough to not be able to speak for a day. This stubborn woman had *refused* to go get it checked out and it wasn’t before I yelled at her that she chose to go get tested. It wasn’t until the day after that I found she had been admitted to the hospital. It wasn’t until the day after that I got the worse news of my entire life.

My mom has brain cancer.

The doctors are convinced that based on imaging they’ve done, the cancer had come from a different part of her body, but before they could give her all the testing to find out, she refused treatment, refused further testing, and went home. She hasn’t worked since the hospital stay and has been struggling to pick up things, or take care of basic needs.

I am still in shock, tbh, but I’m not afforded the luxury of processing my own emotions because suddenly she’s deteriorating at an exceeding pace and it looks like she might not have a lot of time.

In the meantime, I was approved for a wonderful one-bedroom apartment that looks absolutely *lovely*, but it’s incredibly hard to celebrate this new chapter of my life when it looks like I’m going to have yet another reason to hate my June birthday.

I don’t think I can explain more. All I can think about is the dry details, the information, the things that require logical parsing of what’s going on, because the moment I think about what I feel, I’m both numb AND like I’m about to break. None of it feels real, all while it’s way TOO real.

11 notes - Posted April 3, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[benefits1986]

timehoppers

When your timehop pops up, legit "ano na" is waving.

One of the reasons why I stopped feeding my IG is that I use it as a journal. LOL. Back then, this field was so different, but I'm not complaining. FB is even worse because of this thing called Timehop. Nothing wrong, actually. However, when mom died, I was smacked in the head with the reality that socmed is here to stamp and stamp and stamp the frames you freeze seamlessly to a fault. I also stumbled upon this content from Madmen that somehow encapsulates how socmed has the gift and curse of making a timeline for everything and nothing.

A few days back, my soul sis sent a Timehop from 8 years ago. I remember the invite I got from FB from You Know Who ages ago. LOL. Back then, a POKE is a thing, apparently. And getting interactions are so basic and laughable at most times. Not a fan of FB even then, but gave it a good try. Let's not go deep on my thoughts about socmed at least for now, though.

The said crappy frame from my soul sis is all about the shittiest shit hole and shitshow from her then days. I was actually palpitating when she dropped the really sad series of unfortunate updates. However, we're not backing down, ever. I invited her over to the MNL tiny house and poof... we drank because we know things. IYKYK. It's probably the first time I was really worried about her. But, the drinks had to march in. I don't remember what binge eating session we had then. Perhaps, it's my what she calls "killer" Korean beef stew, her OG when she craves something from my kitchen.

And so, 8 years down the line, we're at a place where we're definitely on a better ground, never mind that the ground is super shaky. I guess, timehop is the universe's way of reminding me (and the rest of the world) that timelines are but social constructs. There's no such thing as progress that's super linear. It does not even have a single line, even. I guess timehop is all about looking at timelines differently. While a timeline is obviously a line, I'd like to see that there's also a line parallel to that timeline.

This parallel timeline is about the choices you didn't choose or the choices that didn't choose you, too. It's not about dwelling on the past and being anxious about the future. Nope. Not today, Satan. Bukas na lang siguro or mamaya. Wait ka lang. The parallel timeline is a reminder that you're here and now. And a lot of times, you'll be able to connect the dots backward and laugh so hard about those unchosen choices, yes? I'm actually laughing rn irl, because, the deluge is going boogsh. Top of mind? Secret. LOL. The laugh I'm laughing is about being so immature then and just being silly altogether.

I guess the silly laughs are coming from a place where I can't fucking move a single point for ages. Why so? I froze to death without dying physically when I knew I am losing my mom, finally. I took so many fight sessions without having my own version of a flight. No rest, it's for the weak --that's much cup of tea, then. Don't say no, ever --that's my yes to everything and anything. Just do it --fuck it, this story just kept me going even when I knew I had to just let it go. OPAKKK.

And those warrior modes in full gear turned my timeline into a series of unfortunate shit shows after mom expired. I saw it coming, but hey, I was young and wild, never mind that I wasn't super free... I'm but a super freak, then. I knew that my timeline then is not gonna give, however, there I was taking my chances on a poker table that I knew nothing about. I was worse than Jack of Titanic when I placed all my bet on not losing mom. LUH.

I was inspired by the Tale of Three Brothers, Delulu Solulu Pro Max version. Oh my! I am laughing out loud so early this morning rn again. The laugh that no longer hurts my hollow insides, mind you. Character arc development ongoing, baby! I thought that having that Invisibility Cloak over mom and me would make her live for 20 more years. LOL. Metal po talaga this girllllyyy. 'Yung 8 to 10 years na sinabi ng doctor, ekis 'yan. I'll make it 15 then 20. Para fair. Hahahaha. CHZ sa fair. LOL. 'Di ba? Super delulu solulu x fixer talaga ng stress language ko? Ang lala. Hahahaha. And so, the chem lab irl was put to test. LOL. I didn't drug her outside her prescription, to clarify. I just tried my best to up her stats even those that are "flat-lining". My high was based on seeing the red line turn to green lines. My addiction was to get the doctors to go wide-eyed when we visit; not for validation; but for invalidating their expert advice about mom's 8 to 10 year window. May FUCK YOU ALL na ako since 17. Hahahaha. Ang lala ng red flag na 'to. MWAHAHAHAHA.

However, let this be a reminder that even when the only frames I froze when mom died were her blazing red brooch and the print of her "final.jpg" dress, fuck timelines. I am choosing to come in peace. WEWWW. My very immature delulu is the solulu fixer szn is telling me that it takes a certain kind of crazy to believe that IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING. From Nike to Adidas na tayo e. Ultraboost and Ivy Park kasi may sala. CHZ. Very Batang 90s 'yung reference ko dito. I'm aging and I love it? LUH.

This fucked up girllllyyy earned her stripe and built a fire in the name of her mother dragon. While the BTS is pretty much graphic and traumatic, we're here and now, bitch. R U READY FOR IT? I'm celebrating the parallel timelines because they make sense, finally. LUH. These timelines allowed me to see that while I can go for each fucking kill, this time, I'm choosing the higher road. This time, while I know I can be all in, all out, I'm going out and about. SINO KA DYAN? And that, my battle scars are not entirely red flags. They may actually be beige flags, if not green flags. YES? SHET KANG SHEMAY KA. Ang agaaaa. Why?

Basta, I wanna plug it here as a delulu reminder. Maiba naman. I chose to go wild on tinkering with mom's body chemistry because I knew so well that it's my only chance, her only chance. I went for the diet, the physical therapies that I DIY with her PT at home, watched her sleep and wake up, overthinking her water intake because she's doused in prescribed steroids, etc. Also, IVG altered her being, doing, and thinking, so I was like: FUCK YOU ALL. FUCK YOU. Not gonna back down just because mom's "real life algo" is not giving what it has been serving for a long time. Not on my fucking watch.

We started with ground zero. She can't even read very basic words. She doesn't know the meaning of a lot of basic things. She can't walk. She literally and figuratively can't friggin' move. She forgot her basic and well-loved prayers which really took me by legit horror and surprise. She's super devout and super prayerful, so let her baby dragon and baby tiger roll. TABI. Mom is gonna fucking rise from this fucking ashes. Ganern. What I like about my Taurus mom is all the while she kept her pride, her ego, her red flags raised with feelings pa 'yan. HAHAHAHA. TACCA. This Cancerian moon child didn't fucking. budge. Kinaya talaga natin and 'di na tayo bobong iyakin na romantic shitshow na ang panget talaga ng zodiac sign. Pinaka weak. Not anymore. UGH. ULOL. GIBA.

And if you're asking, will I change anything if I was given the chance? NOPE. Except for the part where I could have allowed people to help me. HAHAHAHA. AA recovery on track ulit. For a long time, I shut down people a lot. I felt like I don't want to a burden because my yoke is mine alone and it's friggin' heavy. While my shoulders are pretty steady, the shake ain't joking. Back then, I don't have triggers. Back then, I'm super resilient. Back then, my grit is matic. It's fantastic. And so, let my parallel timelines meet even when this is another paradigm shift that is crazy and impossible. Impossible is nothing nga 'di ba? NILAPAG KO NA. Hahahahaha. Lagot.

And so, talagang 'pag sinasagad mo, nauubos ka rin e. HUY. Truth 'yan a. As in. I come in peace. Walang EME. Kaya naman, ano na? Let's go? Abangan!

PS: Sobrang amazed talaga ako sa mga tao na kaya akong patawanin ng sumasakit na tiyan levels ko. Why? Kasi, RBF talaga ako by default Inside Out 2 Infinity and Beyond. 'Yung tawa na 'di lang pang-asar, pang-sports pa. CHAR. Also, bilib din ako silently sa mga tao na kayang maglapag ng red flags nila with compassion and wisdom and may sense of self-reflection. 'Yung 'di pa-victim or ma-gaslight. Rare breeds, them mid.

By mid, 'di talaga ako naiimpress sa mga sobrang up there. 'Yung sobrang lapagan na parang akala mo kaya kang bilhin. Sa iba siguro oo. Pero sa akin, cringe fest talaga kahit very interesting naman din kasi aba, naman. I'm like: Okay, impressive ka tapos ano pa? Sino ka talaga when you take away your shiny bits and pieces? Sabi ko nga, I love sprints but this season is all about an ultramarathon pro max. Kung 'di rin lang, 'wag na. I can manage. Watch me watching u from 100 miles away. So many miles away. Pang 700 miles kasi hanap ko e. Side Note: Oks lang naman 'yung up there pero 'yung grounded na legit. Hindi feeling grounded and feeling legit. Gets ba? IYKYK. Tnx.

Okay. Lock and loaded. Alam ko na kung anong niche ko. LUH. Fire in the hole, baby. CHOZ. Katakot. Baka in the mood (swing) for eme lang 'to, mhieee.