#how is this any kind of funny/acceptable to say?? like sorry you have a illness like that BUT wtf??

[jesse-pinko]

Can I just say I relate to Chuck McGill so much? It’s so sad, cause while, yes, he is a shitty brother, as far as morality goes, he’s doing better than most characters in brba/bcs. His primary sin, which he identifies, is being unlikable. Jimmy has a lot of pathos, but the fact is the character of Saul Goodman gained enough popularity to get his own show because he’s funny & charismatic.

We see this too with Lalo, who is popular with fans despite being pretty much just, “a soulless pig.” Gus & Mike are liked for their cool professionalism; Jesse & Nacho are both great, but they both get a lot of mileage out of be young & good looking. Shit, I know you don’t like him, but even Walter has a certain magnetism. He’s an abusive monster, but he’s intense & passionate, which clearly draws a lot of people in.

Chuck doesn’t have any of this. He’s not exiting, cool, or particularly charming in any way. He’s not the sort of character who gets “fans.” I’ve never seen anyone geek out over him the way they do for the rest of these guys. He’s shrill & fussy & demanding; made even worse by his condition. And ultimately, these qualities are what make people dislike him.

It doesn’t matter how desperately Chuck tries to be good (though I think his moral framework is very flawed) because people will never love him the way they love Jimmy. And that resentment destroys their relationship, the only true love & dedication he had in his life, but I can still deeply emphasize with that resentment.

Accepting that it doesn’t matter how good you try to be, cause that’s not what people care about, is so painful. & then accepting that you just don’t have it. That you’re not the sort of person who makes friends easily. That you’re not easy to love. That people will prefer actual monsters over you. It’s so heartbreaking, & it’s definitely made infinitely worse by mental illness. Poor Chuck man. :(

anyway srry this so long, u don’t have to respond to it, i just was struck by chuck. also, i know this was a shallow read of those other characters, i was just trying to make point lol

Sorry to get back to you so late when you put your whole pussy into this ask but bc of that I knew I would have to wholeass my pussying as well and I just haven’t had the time as of late 😭🐈 but fr as someone diagnosed w BPD I always saw too much of myself in Chuck to fully hate him, but also, that’s kind of why I hated him, bc seeing your worst attributes laid on screen and read for filth doesn’t exactly make for an objective viewing experience. What a lot of neurotypicals don’t get ab Chuck’s character is that he doesn’t resent Jimmy in spite of Jimmy tending to him so diligently, but because of it, at least partially. Chuck does not feel that he deserves to be loved and cared for, he doesn’t feel like his emotions and his love are worth anything because his parents loved Jimmy best and Rebecca (he thinks) loved Jimmy best and everyone loves Jimmy best bc of Jimmy’s personality, whereas Chuck has only ever been lauded for his intellect. So it feels unsafe for him to be so dependent on another person’s genuine love, he feels unsafe being cared for, because Chuck feels incredibly threatened by any sort of change or anything that doesn’t align w the world as he’s come to perceive it, hence his “allergy” to electricity, an allegorical stand-in for modernity and progress. And so being cared for w/out that sense of worth that he hinged entirely on his career makes Chuck feel not just impotent, but like he owes Jimmy. Chuck feels as though he and Jimmy are now on unequal footing, bc while Jimmy still has his charisma, his “value”, Chuck no longer has a distinguished law career. And Chuck can’t owe Jimmy anything because he has to feel superior to Jimmy in some respect or he’s worthless, because no matter what Jimmy does he will always be loved, he will always have worth, as Chuck sees it, and Chuck derives all of his self-worth from his law career and his sense of moral superiority. Chuck knows he’s “different”, but his proficiency as a lawyer let him believe that maybe “different” is for the best, maybe other people are the ones doing something wrong, maybe he isn’t missing anything that other people have but has something that other people don’t. And it’s not Jimmy’s fault that other people like him better, that their parents loved him more, that Chuck associates his brother with that feeling of worthlessness, but if Chuck can vilify his brother, then he can justify that ugly, misplaced hatred he feels toward the person he owes the most to. And the idea of Jimmy becoming a lawyer, of taking the one thing Chuck had going for him, is unbearable, intolerable. Obviously I’m not a psychologist, I can’t do an official diagnosis of a tv show character, but it is pretty common conjecture within the fanbase that Chuck is somewhere on the autism spectrum. He’s averse to change, he experiences sensory overload, he struggles with social cues, he has niche interests that he is knowledgeable about to a very precise degree, and he has a very, very strong sense of justice. It’s not fair that Jimmy gets to become a lawyer when that was the only thing Chuck had going for him, it’s not fair that everyone loves Jimmy and not Chuck when Jimmy is a conman who stole from their sweet father and Chuck tries so, so hard to be good, to adhere to society’s moral standards as strictly and literally as possible. It’s not fair.

[godmadeaterribleerror]

okay, please, if you suddenly want to have a little chat, bc I'm thinking about your fic every day. I'm going to talk nonsense, admire you and ask you questions, sorry

1) You've done a great job coming up with mc abilities. I've been thinking about this for quite a while. I imagined it as a mix of Captain Marvel's abilities (how she absorbs energy and all that) and Johnny Storm's abilities (by the way, they can both fly🤭)

Tell me why you chose such a set of abilities without revealing secrets? The compound v acts strangely on adults in the boys universe, it is often associated with a mental state/fear/health, and some people just died idk

or did you just pick it randomly? what superpower would you like to have?

2) The Shapeshifter? It will be very dangerous if she shapeshifts into Starlight. Technically, you don't have to think much to find out where our couple lives. There are many ways, it's just that Sage is not straining yet. I'm just thinking out loud like an obsessive asshole.

3) mc is not like 'I can fix him', but she does. I like it. Sometimes I think about their age difference and I feel sick. BUT Ben is sexy grandpa (I'm really sorry Ryan), so I forget about it.

4) are you going to kill the Deep? please please please🥹 I know you're not going to write a whole chapter about him and all that... But I don't mind fried fish.

5) I hope to see more interactions with Kimiko and Starlight, it always looks cute. you write them so wonderfully.

6) Her healing power lies in transferring injuries to herself, isn't it? It's like everything is different with mental illnesses. It's a damn shame that she can cure Ben's PTSD, but she can't cure hers.

7) How did you come up with the idea of this fic? I want to know EVERYTHING

Never apologize for talking nonsense! It makes me so happy to see anything from you guys, no matter what. I’ll answer best I can without avoiding spoilers, and feel free to ask any follow ups!!

1) - Thank you!!! Captain Marvel with Johnny Storm is good combo to describe the fire powers, and as for the set of powers the parallel/parody superhero I was going for was Scarlet Witch, not in terms of powers but tropes. Like definitely op but completely traumatized so that her powers are a little detrimental. You can kind of see more of the scarlet witch influence in her fourth power, but the reason for the specific combo of powers is a little spoiler-filled so I won’t touch on it rn! I think shapeshifting is the power I’d want to have, but like, animals. 

2) What an amazing segue on my part. I’m not including the shape-shifter, tis one of my creative liberties. I don’t have a reason, it’s just “no thanks, too much :)” because I am keeping many, many plot-balls in the air. I will not volunteer myself for more.

3) I like to think of mc having a “you want to fix him? well I’m going to accept him as he is. The atrocities are a part of him, and i’ve decided they’re funny” mindset (more complex obviously, but that’s the best way to put it) while Ben himself has a “i can make her worse” mindset, and they end up accidentally helping each other. That's a really boiled down way to put it, but the principal applies. Also the way I’m thinking of the age-difference is that literally no one is that dudes age, they’re both immortal, and also Ben is emotionally like 29 at max. It’s still not great, but it’s a fanfic of the Boys, it’s going to be ethically grey.

4) No spoilers!

5) There are some in the next chapter!! Also thank you❤️!!!

6) That is how it works, and my logic as to why she can cure Ben’s PTSD but not her own is sort explained in chapter 9? I won’t say anything right now but if you still have questions later I’ll go more into depth!

7) I’m going to sound like such an ass, but it genuinely just like. Formed. Like I had the idea in a vague, overarching sense, sat down and figured out the plot beat by beat, and then started writing? like that not a satisfying answer but it’s all I’ve got and I’m so sorry for that.

And thank you thank you thank you! I mean it, never ever feel bad about bothering me, because you’re not! Ranting nonsense, questions, comments, theories, silly jokes, all are welcome! I hope this at least kind of answered your questions, I had to make some calls about how much/how little to say! Thank you again!! ❤️❤️❤️

[cosmicjoke]

OMG I don't know if you've seen this yet but in the Levi tag 7m7n7 has made another post insulting you and some of your mutuals(didn't even take her a week lol). Basically she said you hate top/masculine Levi and that you did woobify him and think you own him, and that you're just like every other eruri. Also they posted a bunch of eruri accounts and some were calling Levi a twink, Erwin's bottom pillow princess. Others saying they can't see how other people can call Levi straight and dom, others using gay slurs etc. You know, the post is kind of crazy and all over the place. I think the thing 7m7n7 doesn't get is how big the eruri fandom is and how every big fandom has bad apples. That's not an excuse but it's a fact. Bad apples can literally be found in the self shipping community too, we've seen how some of them have issues with Levi showing vulnerability or emotions outside of anger. As well as with other Levi ships all round. Personally I wouldn't care if she goes at it with those eruri shippers who she feels are degrading Levi's character but she literally attacks every other eruri shipper, THAT'S the problem. She even goes after those actually minding their business and are not even on twitter or Tumblr but are writing their fics on ao3. She says the most vile things to everyone. Sorry but there's LITERALLY no excuse for her to tell one eruri ao3 writer that she's glad that her father died or telling other people she wishes they die or get raped because they have degraded her favorite character, which she herself also degrades and mischaracterize btw. I don't know how she doesn't notice how fucking crazy she sounds?!? Thinking she does what she does because she's fed up of the eruri fandom. And the funny thing is, I know some of the eruris she posted about as proof to show that even other eruris were also complaining about some eruris teasing self shippers or being misogynistic(which literally proves that not all eruris are the same lol because they literally call eact other out. It literally flew over her head) And she has insulted and attacked those she sees as better eruris too lmao, so what's her point. Plus those eruris also dislike her and have her blocked.

Additionally, she even attaked YOU, a very well known Levi defender who had also been going at it with some toxic shippers from all round, from some eruris and self shippers alike. So clearly she's full of shit.

And the hypocrisy is that okay fine she hates eruris, then why does she also hate rivakopon lol. She literally called someone MENTALLY ILL for saying Levi and Onyankopon likely got closer after the war. This person was a Colt/ Falco fan account btw so not an eruri lol.

Let's not forget she has also been caught cosplaying as an eruri on multiple occasions on different alt accounts. So at this point she might likely as well be some of the eruris she's complaining about. How are we to know.

lol, Yeah, I just got tagged, so I've glanced at the meltdown of epic proportions @7n7m7 is having. I only read like the first three paragraphs before I lost interest, lol. Maybe I'll read the rest later just to have a laugh. She's nothing but a freak show and a loser. The fact she can't accept on any level that her interpretation of Levi is just as much bullshit and fantasy as the worst eururi shippers who characterize Levi as some submissive bitch, again, just demonstrates her biblical levels of unawareness. The fact she keeps ranting without having any concept of what she looks like, any concept that everyone and their mother can see SHE started it and got her ass called out for it, again, demonstrates her complete lack of introspection or intelligence. And the fact she can't let it go just solidifies that further, lol.

At the end of the day, what this really boils down to is her insecurity and delusion. She's "in love" with Levi, she says, but what she's really in love with is her warped sexual fantasy that she imposes onto Levi's character, and can't bear to acknowledge Levi's actual character and who he actually is, because it disrupts her ability to indulge in that warped sexual fantasy. That's why she rages against every male/male ship that involves Levi. It's why she hates the idea of Levi being with Onyankopon. She's a fucking homophobic piece of shit, and also apparently likes the idea of Levi slapping the shit out of her, so, you know... If Levi was real, maybe she'd get her wish, just for her being such an incredible dumbass, though, because I know Levi wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole, otherwise, lol.

Anyway, this whole thing has just left me laughing. She's whining about her response to my call-out post only getting two replies and trying to blame it on me harassing people, when I've never harassed anyone or sent anyone anonymous messages, or any messages at all, lol. She only got two replies because everyone knows she's a fucking moron and that it's her own fault this all happened, because she couldn't just be normal and disagree with even an ounce of respect.

It's fine. She's wrong about Levi, and she probably knows it deep down, and that's why she can't handle any of this, and can't handle people discussing Levi's trauma and emotions, because every time she sees it, it reminds her of how her own, fanon version of Levi that she harbors in her feverish brain is completely antithetical to who Levi actually is.

Keep trying @7m7n7. Everybody is laughing at the clown.

[httpiastri]

JACKIE YOU GOT IT RIGHT OMG but now i’ve just been made really curious as to which part of that previous ask gave it away (was it the 2022 mention? that would kinda make sense, i think)

the synchronicities with pepe are all insane?? some of mine are just outright weird but like even your pokemons situation is so cool because it all makes me feel so 😵‍💫🌟💫 because i love knowing that everything and everyone is interwoven and connected yk? and about pepe being represented by a lotus flower… honestly pepe has surprised me sm since i first found out about him because sometimes he just ends up liking certain things i don’t expect him to all because he’s a driver and stuff like if he ended up being secretly spiritual with little good luck rituals or whatever i wouldn’t be surprised anymore and i LOVE that about him (i also love him)

and AAAAAAA omg the pepe shaving blurb had me feeling so 😊😊 too like the details in it are so essential to the plot and it effectively launched me even deeper into the pepe obsession because how could you just casually write about hugging him from behind and not expect me to go absolutely insane

also there was a point of time where i had every pepe tag hidden for me from any social media platform because just his name or face would have me going so insane and my only way to tackle that was to hide him from myself so if that doesn’t say enough about me idk what will 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

and being able to call him dorky?? AAAAAAA my pepe happens to be a little cocky so idk if ill get to say that anytime soon but one day i will 🤞🤞

AND THE FACT THAT A PEPE EDITOR IS ON YOUR BLOG TOO?? IM SO 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 I LOVED THAT EDIT BECAUSE OF THE MUSIC CHOICE SINCE I HAD A HALSEY PHASE A FEW YEARS AGO so to the editor: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

p.s. i love getting your replies too!! it literally fuels me through the day and i’m so grateful that you’ve been so sweet and accepting of me while supporting my pepe obsession (and even contributing to it, to be fair)

- 🪷💗

okay this got way too long because i spiraled so im putting the little cut thing here :))) im so sorry

yay yay yay !!! pls lmk if you think im like outing you too much here if you wanna keep a secret profile bcs then ill delete some of this, but like it was kind of because of the 2022 part? but mostly bcs of the spirituality part!! because i remembered that when i posted a couple of pepe gifs months ago, i saw your reblog of them and thought like "oh! pepe fan!! i like this person already" and i started looking through your blog 🤭 and like omg i must say, about your like manifestation post…. im very good at doing or saying stuff like that just for fun but recently they've started to come true quite often?? like i manifested clem's win in zandvoort last year… i said "arvid and luke will be the first f3 winners" several days before the first f3 session…. me and a dear friend talked about how lando would get his first win like two days before miami…… idk i think it's time for me to manifest a pepe win 😭😭

and god yes yes i agree!! i actually have a crazy fact here that i wasn't gonna say but i think i've said it on this blog before anyway so… my actual first name (i have several first names, no not middle names…. my parents wanted to be "funny" but it's actually a pain in the ass a lot of the time) is lotus…….. i couldn't make this up 😭 my mom always said it was because of the flower but my dad said it was bcs of the car ofc because it was more sneaky than naming your daughter like mercedes or ferrari lmao. and so that you chose that emoji, which is so dear to me because ive grown up loving lotus flowers and having plastic flowers all over my room and just 😵‍💫🫨 and okay i had a huge ariana grande phase when i was younger and i used to love "baby i" so much that my parents got me a tshirt of it for my like 13th bday… and guess what song came on first when i pressed shuffle on ☄️ anons pepe playlist today? THAT SONG 🙃 and guess where i used to keep that shirt (i never wore it)?? on my bedroom wall, and guess what used to stick up from that tshirt?????? A PLASTIC LOTUS FLOWER. I COULD NOTTT BE MAKING THIS UP 😭 sadly ive moved out of that room but i will do my very best to look for an old pic as proof because this is actually a bit insane to me…..

but yes i would also not be surprised if he came on a pod some day or whatever and said that he is a little spiritual and like u said has a lot of like pre-race rituals and :(((( cute

i'm very glad to hear that you liked the shaving thoughts !!!! i may have posted some more…. esp important stuff in the tags of that one 🫠 but aaaAaAa!! im going insane too!!! just the thought of hugging him is so !!!!!!!! i think hugging him would be so so nice? i feel like he can be very firm with it because he's just too strong, but then there's always some little detail that's so soft and that just makes your knees go weak 🥺 like he whispers something sweet in your ear before pressing a quick kiss to your neck… or he pulls away from the hug but keeps his hands on your hips, holding your lower bodies close… and the way he looks into your eyes so intently when you tell him about how your day was, his smile never leaving his lips and- 😭 idkkkk and just the thought of hugging him when he's not wearing a shirt, like i feel like he would have naturally warm skin? so cuddling up to his back would be so cozy ??? your nose tickling the skin between his shoulder blades or your cheek resting on his bicep or something…….. 👉👈 (and omg resting on his bare chest in bed aaaaaaaaaaaa dont get me started)

bby you had the tag hidden?? please??? 🥲 understandable tho to keep sane and focused ig… bcs idk how to not think about him all day every day tbh, anytime i see him its just 🫠

YOUR PEPE IS COCKY?!?! HELPPP I WANT THAT TOO 😭😭 HOW? WHERE? WHO? AAAAAAAAA

shsjshjssj anons being fans of anons 🥺 idk if ive heard that song before but it fit so well with the two of them 🥺🥰 kisses to the editor 😚😚

waaaaahhh your asks fuel my days too 😭 when i woke up to this ask this morning i got so giddy hehehe and im always longing to hear more from you <3333 and god youve contributed sm to my obsession too aaaaaaa !!! so glad we get to share this (and with everyone else here too) 💗💗

[kaiokentimesten]

Hello! so you’re like one of the very few blogs I know that has a better understanding of c!schlatt- and I just kinda wanted to know what he’s all about! :D I don’t 100% trust the general understanding the fandom has for him (for the very reason that some people think vilbur is even accurate to canon) and I was interested in what you know! :)

Oh anon!! Tysm that's so sweet of you to say :D it's crazy to think I am one of The c!Schlatt Guys to some people. This rant gets p long so I’m putting it under the cut sorry this took so long lollllllll

It's pretty fair to not trust the fanon understanding of c!Schlatt because...well, it's not great. Generally, people see him as just a horrible, abusive monster and an absolute villain up until the end, which...isn't the full story, imo. c!Schlatt to me shows off some of the ugliest parts of humanity, and what happens when you refuse to better yourself and accept help

There's a steady decline to c!Schlatt. As the DSMP goes on, he becomes more unstable and a lot more paranoid, not even trusting the people in his own cabinet. He loses himself in his own addiction that he only relies on because he's in so much pain all the time, as seen in Fundy's "A Spy's Diary". Quoted directly from that:

"Schlatt has a severe addiction to alcohol and cigarettes to suppress his aching body. He is unwilling to get it checked due to his pride. If the symptoms progress, he might suffer fatal consequences." (Page 17)

"Schlatt is incapable of swimming. After further inspection it seems to be a form of muscle atrophy. He uses protein supplements to regain a viable level of strength. He seems to get weaker by the day." (Page 18)

He was too prideful to get any help for his illnesses, so he continued to spiral downward. His treatment of others led to him dying in a van, surrounded but alone since everyone at that point pretty much hated him. It's sad, tragic even, because it didn't have to be this way, but it was

Still, this isn't to say Schlatt doesn't do horrible things. The way he treats people—Quackity, Niki, and Tubbo in particular—is terrible. There's the festival where he executes Tubbo, but there's also his heavy taxation and singling out of Niki, and the abuse he constantly bombards Quackity with. There's this clip I always think of where Q is trying to propose to Schlatt, and Schlatt's ignoring him and brushing him off up until Q threatens to leave. Then, he puts on this sweet voice and goes "where are you going? come back!" only to call Quackity a flatty patty when he does. (clip here.) It's cruel!

Schlatt is such a fascinating antagonist because he knows just how to get under everyone's skin. His cruel pettiness is absolutely perfect for everyone involved (especially someone like c!Wilbur), and the best part about it is how he does everything in such a fucking funny way

That's the thing. c!Schlatt isn't this cold, unfeeling monster that just abuses everyone around him—nor is he constantly shouting at people and hitting them. He's calm, collected, and he's funny. He's able to make you feel like you're being unreasonable, and he's able to rally people against you because of his charisma. It's so cool! I love it. I love this guy so much even though he kind of sucks

But, like I said, to say that he's just A Villain does him a bit dirty I think. His addiction and chronic illness plays such an important part to his story, and I think it's a disservice to have it go unmentioned. He's a guy with a lot of problems that did some really shitty things, and isn't that just perfect for the DreamSMP?

TLDR: c!Schlatt did a lot of shitty things but calling him just a one note villain does a bit of disservice to his character imo. He’s my little bah bah blorbo etc etc

[wolfisland]

hey do you have any first time concert tips

YES!

just as a disclaimer, im physically disabled, australian, and i live in a large city, and those can definitely make a difference here

but heres some tips or things i generally try to follow for myself, under the cut!

⭐ always carry portable chargers. multiple if possible

⭐ stay hydrated. enclosed venues get hot and sweaty and gross and if youre moving around a lot you WILL get dehydrated. some venues offer free water, take advantage of it. also stay masked bc i cannot stress enough what a perfect breeding ground for illness venues can be

⭐ protect your ears. there are loads of noise reduction earbuds marketed towards concerts and loud environments in particular, and honestly in my experience theyre kind of overpricer, but protection is absolutely vital, ESPECIALLY in smaller venues in my experience. noise over 70db over prolonged periods of time will start to damage your hearing and ive seen 90db as the LOWER end for concerts ive been to.

⭐ if you have any headphones or earbuds with active noise cancellation these are also great options, i actually prefer wearing my headphones just with anc on than i do my silly little specialized loop earbuds.

⭐ try not to go to these events alone if you can help it. most concerts are at night and most concerts are at licensed venues and whether youre drinking or not, there will likely be people acting like fools around you. it goes without saying to NEVER accept a drink you didnt watch be mixed or opened yourself.

⭐ make sure people know where you are and make sure you always have enough money easily accessible to you (either in cash, or in your bank account) to pay for an uber or cab or whatever. if its a big concert theres a decent chance itll fuck up public transport. ive left shows at 11 pm and not gotten home til 3 am just because of how crowded shit is and how fucked public transport is after like 10-11 pm

⭐ get your concert merch before the show starts. like every time i am so serious if you wait til after the show 7 times out of 10 whatever you want will be gone.

⭐ if theres an opener i can almost promise you you will not see your headliner for like half an hour after the opener finishes. go pee now

⭐ in some areas if youre disabled just call the venue and ask for accommodations. i can usually make sure i get seated (for free) because im disabled and it makes such a huge difference its not even funny. like just ask. theres no harm in asking, worst case scenario is they say they cant help when you were gonna to to the show anyways. some venues will also make sure security keeps an eye on you so you can exit safely after the show too.

⭐ if youre trying to get close to the front at a show, barricade for example, youre almost always gonna need to show up way earlier than you think you are. an hour? try three. get there early and make yourself comfortable. itll suck and you might not even get close but when you do it fucking rules

⭐ dont be that person who has to get told to shut up. dont be rude or heckle the artists if they arent taking the piss themselves. dont throw shit at them. dont try and climb up on the stage. dont keep yelling while theyre talking. dont interrupt them while theyre talking by showing requests for stuff that isnt on the setlist. if youre close to the stage you might be able to see the setlist (and you might even get the setlist after the show if youre close enough or linger around) OR you can probably search up sets the artists have played recently to get a better idea. dont be a tool.

⭐ pit etiquette sucks rn. covid has made people forgot how to fucking behave and if the artist themselves doesnt set some boundaries dont trust that the venues rules around pits will be respected either. i am so serious. people die in pits so be careful. also tbh almost always unless youre like BIG VENUE big, if you call for a pit and wont get in it yourself youre nothing to me sorry

⭐ if you can, support the openers too! if youre lucky theyll be at the merch stands themselves after if the stand is selling their merch too. definitely go say hi and grab like a shirt or sticker or poster or cd or whatever if you can.

⭐ you will get charged like $20 for a vodka redbull. dont let them charge you $20 for a vodka redbull. pre game elsewhere if youre gonna drink.

⭐ if i think of anything else ill come back here and drop it, feel free to dm me about any of this

[trythatagainnn]

halloween is the anniversary of my coming out at trans.

my “traniversary” as i like to call it.

this year,

itll be five years.

i was 12 years old.

i came out in middle school.

i was the only trans kid i knew of in my school.

i had no support.

my friends accepted me,

i think,

pretty quickly.

but they didnt support me.

there was no,

“im proud of you!”

or

“im happy you told me this.”

there was a lot of

“…okay”s

and sidelong glances.

i think you dont realize what that does to you

until five years later.

at the time,

i had one queer friend.

she was bi.

we dated,

whatever two 12 year olds dating looks like

(we held hands at recess).

later, she came out as a lesbian,

and i came out as gay.

its funny.

we stopped talking after eighth grade.

i dont really know why.

i have a lot of queer friends now.

all of them are, actually.

queer, i mean.

im not dating any of them.

mostly because,

after i came out as gay,

i came out as aro/ace.

thatll do it.

not that aro/ace people cant date,

or fuck,

or whatever.

i just. dont want. that.

sometimes i kind of wish i did.

i think.

i wonder what its like to really enjoy that.

but.

whatever.

anyway.

i heard someone say once that

after you come out once,

it never ends.

i think thats true.

ill never stop coming out as trans.

isnt that what im doing right now?

and ill never stop figuring out new things about myself.

also, i think maybe thats not true.

sometimes, people just know.

i dont have to tell them.

and sometimes,

when i tell people,

its not coming out.

it just is.

maybe thats what finding the right people is.

it just is.

halloween isnt really it, by the way. the anniversary.

sorry.

that wouldve been cool right?

yeah.

i lied.

i dont know when it actually is.

sometime in november, i think.

maybe december?

on halloween of 2018,

i was still a girl.

i was wearing a very large and annoying inflatable ostrich costume

(you know the type

where it makes you look like

youre riding on the ostrich’s back?).

it was a last minute buy from spirit halloween.

i got tired of it.

i took it off,

and i put on a tie

over my grey wolf t-shirt.

i put on a tie,

and i told everyone i was a man.

of course, they didnt believe me.

i think they laughed.

i felt great.

thats not when i came out.

maybe thats when i knew, though.

to be honest,

i dont care that much.

i dont get emotional on halloween,

most of the time i dont even think about it.

its more of a convenient way of keeping track

of the passage of time

than anything.

im still trans, yeah.

this year on halloween,

im still trans.

ive changed though.

ive changed

names and

ive changed

my hair and

ive changed

how i act and

how i think and

who i am and

ive changed.

five years this halloween,

thats a lot.

maybe.

maybe its not

that much at all.

in another five years,

ill be 22,

and ill still be trans.

and ill be different.

happy halloween.

happy five years.

happy passage of time.

heres a little monologue poem thing about being trans

[lewyn-martell]

I find it rather ironic that Daemon complained a lot to Viserys about taking him away from his side, so that in the end Daemon was not with Viserys when he was dying from his illness.

Yeah, I find it pretty funny sjhbjhbd but in all seriousness, I think a few aspects of irony (the noun and also in a literary sense, ig) are often present in tragedy for a reason. The characters involved don't want things to go badly and whether the audience knows it or not, we watch as they march towards the worst version of their lives because of a mixture of choices and circumstances, that makes it all feel inevitable. Their own expectations turning into the opposite by their own hands. They had no other choices to make but they had all the choices available. You know??

If Daemon was a different sort of guy, if being close to each other wasn't so damn hurtful and complicated, if they weren't carrying the feelings they are, if they weren't royals, if the family wasn't an incestfest, yadda yadda… maybe then they could reconcile, understand what they feel and what they do so as to not keep feeding actions that lead them to the exact opposite of what they strive for. But then what kind of people would they even be. I hope I'm making sense hasjhuah

I also really like how it's another thing that shows us how much Daemon is vulnerable and an open wound when it concerns Viserys. Usually, no one would say Daemon is a weak guy, but what else could you say about him in that situation? Alicent, she is the one who is strong. She was tied to this man when she was still a teenager and I would never expect a single thing for her (in fact, I would be on her side if she did her worst), but she's been by his side and looking at his disease in the face, she has been dancing around trying to please and protect both sides of her family. She has been watching the man wither away like a ticking time bomb until she has to deal with an issue that she DOESN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH (she doesn't want to supplant Rhaenyra. She still loves her, even when she hates her. But her son exists. Her children exist. She was married to Viserys and all the issues created by this union still exist and it still hurt her. What other choice does she have?? All of them, none of them, whatever. Sorry to the "I wish Alicent was just power hungry" ppl but I think that makes her both kind of a badass and a great tragic figure).

Sorry to derail, but yeah, Alicent is there. Caring for him and doing her best for him, making herself miserable for him. She was even able to develop a companionship of sorts with him. And she should hate this man. Daemon loves Viserys and he can't even look at him. He'd rather keep running away. He's absolutely terrified by the thought of him dying and all he has to face because of it (all their baggage and all they didn't get to do and say to each other. And the fact that he will have to carry it alone). Of course, the intensity of their feelings for the man himself is a factor, but they are both before something that they don't want to happen.

Daemon did get to have his moment, taking Viserys up those steps and crowning him. But it was so bittersweet because it was all he could do. They don't get a do-over, they don't have any more time. At most, this is a recognition. All those years we fought about whether you should be taking these steps alone or accept me there, and whether I would ever put the crown on your head when it fell off, it's all so silly now. Of course we should be here for each other, meeting up halfway, me helping and you allowing it. Of course I still want it. But it's the same issue I said in the beginning. They could only ever say this now, at this moment. It's how it is with doomed relationships.

[sunnyneweyes]

I wrote a few letters, but every time I think of sending them I lose all motivation/interest. Idk, guess I struggled with the fact that you didn’t care for so long. Now I’m where you were at, it’s just not worth it anymore.

I did love you, tremendously and probably more than you’ll ever know. You prolly laughed out of spite at that? Haha. It is kinda funny considering who I let myself become at the end of our relationship.

Now I’m just glad we split, not cause I’m mad or anything. It was just a huge waste of time that fucked me up for a very long time. Probably the same for you, idk if I affected you as much as you did me. But I really wish I had met Z before you.

You’re a good friend if we could’ve been that, who knows tbh. But you hurt me and twisted the beautiful picture I had envisioned, our love was tainted from the start. I wish I would’ve valued myself and moved on and not waited for you in the beginning.

I was a second choice at the start, but I won’t lie.. You turned me to mush with your stare. You captured me and entranced me with your hugs and how you would put your shoulder on me during those morning rides. How could I resist? It’s not an excuse but before we met all I wished for was a girl that would stand by me and hold my hand.

Someone who would never abandon me like every other person/thing. I depended on you for so long, all the while you pretended to be like us. And maybe you are? Idk your illness completely and I won’t pretend to, but you can’t claim to want love, all the while hurting the person that you claim to love.

I’m not throwing shade, this is just where I’m at right now. Sucks I feel bad for feeling good again, I guess a part of me really wanted all those promises to still come true. IK, ik there is no point in looking back or wishing.

I wasn’t innocent at all near the end, but I didn’t start out that way. You watched me change into that horrible person year after year and you are not to blame. I became petty and full of anger from the pain I endured because I thought you’d change.

I’m not blaming you either, because ultimately it’s my fault for staying. My fault for trying to get revenge, my fault for stooping to that level. Had I just left at the first sign in 2013, damn things could be so different. But I can’t change the past or get you to accept any ownership over your actions.

I don’t want to either..and I’ll admit for a long time, all I wanted was the truth from your mouth and yours alone. But I realized that I can’t trust anything you say, even now. Tbh, that makes me feel incredibly sad for you and it’s not pity. But just the realization that I care about you and wish you’d stop burning your bridges with people.

It was never my fault that we all left your life. I realize that now, because it was yours. And trust me that’s not me tryna deflect or not take ownership of what I did. I’m just glad we did it, because all of our lives have been positively impacted and on the right track since then.

Took a lot of nights to realize I’m exactly where I prayed to be when I was 13 years old! And at the same time I stopped all the bad habits I started while with you, that’s not me blaming you for my own self indulgence either.

Just wish I had chosen anybody else but you. I forgive you and I hope you have a great life! (Not sarcasm) I hope you fix yourself or find the strength to confront what’s stopping you. I really do wish you nothing but happiness and I’ll never forget you, but I still wish we had never met.

Idk tho, at the same time maybe I needed to be hurt. So I could see your lesson, that the world wasn’t as kind and loving as I thought it was.

(PS. I don’t think this letter is me trying to be hurtful or mean, just refuse to let you hurt me anymore but I still wish you the best. Sorry it took so long to get an adult reply out of me, had to let myself really feel it and reflect.)

[pesterloglog]

Vriska Serket, Kanaya Maryam, Karkat Vantas

Act 6, page 7508-7509

VRISKA: How's it going over there?

KANAYA: I Told Them I Would Leave Them Alone And Go Talk To Some Trolls

KANAYA: I Guess This Troll Over Here Will Have To Do

VRISKA: Happy to 8e of service.

VRISKA: Man, look at them. They all seem so excited.

VRISKA: Like a 8unch of wigglers hopped up on high fructose gru8 sauce.

VRISKA: I hope they don't crash from this reunion 8uzz too hard 8efore it's showtime.

KANAYA: If They Do I Am Sure One Of Your Contingency Plans Will Swing Into Full Effect

KANAYA: Maybe You Can Buy Time For Everyone To Recover By Lulling Our Adversaries Into An Extensive Strategy Session

VRISKA: Hey Maryam, why don't you can it!

VRISKA: Our sassy little games of one upsmanship are fun and all, 8ut I'm trying to 8e sincere here.

VRISKA: You know, seeing as this is the last time I'll see you all in a while.

KANAYA: Youre Right Sorry

KANAYA: Bring On The Sincerity

VRISKA: I was just saying, a8out the humans.

VRISKA: They seem so happy.

VRISKA: I mean, look at Rose!

VRISKA: No offense, 8ut most of the time she's kind of a pill.

KANAYA: None Taken And Me Too Probably

VRISKA: Good point.

VRISKA: 8ut I don't think I've ever seen her like that. 8y which I mean, making no discerni8le effort whatsoever to disguise the fact that she's happy.

VRISKA: Well, ok. May8e there were a couple times.

KANAYA: Is That In Reference To How You Like To Flagrantly Spy On Us Sometimes

VRISKA: I don't "spy" on you!

VRISKA: That is such an unfair characteriz8tion.

VRISKA: Would you can it with that shit already??

KANAYA: Ill Never Understand Your Ongoing And Apparently Unironic Use Of The Phrase "Can It"

KANAYA: And In Particular Why You Always Seem To Direct This Expression To Me And Seemingly No One Else

KANAYA: I Just Think It Is Such A Peculiar And Amusing Way To Tell Someone To Be Quiet

VRISKA: What! Why?

VRISKA: No, that's a normal way of putting it!

VRISKA: I mean... it's a pretty normal thing to say, right? When you want... someone... to pipe down?

KANAYA: "Pipe Down" Isnt Even Much Better

KANAYA: Its Just A Funny Thing To Say And The Fact That You Dont Realize It Makes It Funnier

KANAYA: I Think The Underlying Explanation Is That You Are Just Funnier That You Realize Or Try To Be

KANAYA: It Is Something To Like About You

VRISKA: I guess I'll have to accept your sass as a compliment then.

VRISKA: And no, I don't SPY on you. I just...

VRISKA: Check in with you sometimes! To see how you're doing.

KANAYA: Okay If Thats How You Want To Put It

KANAYA: You Involve Yourself In Many Private Matters Without Even Offering The Pretense Of Doing Otherwise

KANAYA: To Think That At One Point I Was Regarded As The Meddlesome One

VRISKA: Look, it just so happens that I care very deeply for all my friends and want to make sure they're doing alright on a somewhat regular 8asis.

VRISKA: Is that a crime??

KANAYA: In Some Societies Violating The Privacy Of Others In Certain Ways Yes I Believe So

KANAYA: I Understand Your Motives Though And Really This Is Just Me Giving You A Hard Time

VRISKA: I never got why everyone treats their romantic affairs as so PRIV8.

VRISKA: What's the 8ig deal. So you like to do some smooching and stuff with another person. May8e get over yourselves??

VRISKA: Karkat is the worst offender. You'd think he was charged with guarding st8 secrets. News flash, 8uddy. No8ody gives a fuck!

KANAYA: It Sounds Like You Very Much Give A Fuck Though

VRISKA: Hey, why don't you can... I mean, cut me some slack?

VRISKA: I don't hold anyone to standards I don't hold myself to.

VRISKA: I'm very open a8out my rel8tionships! My moirallegience with Terezi? Pff. Ask me anything! I have nothing to hide.

VRISKA: We'll throw our diamonds up in your face like we're making a getaway.

VRISKA: We don't even give a fuck. If you can't take the stench, then get out of the meal 8lock.

VRISKA: Same with any ashen liaisons I've 8een involved with over the years. What's the 8ig deal?

KANAYA: I Have To Admit To Being Impressed With Your Uh

KANAYA: Strangely Natural Proficiency With Auspisticism

KANAYA: It Is An Incredibly Difficult Quadrant To Master And Very Emotionally Taxing I Find

KANAYA: In A Way That Conflicts With The Pursuit Of Relationships In Other Quadrants

KANAYA: I Cant Ignore That During Our Trip You Probably Diffused A Lot Of Unpleasant Situations Before They Started

KANAYA: But When It Comes To Matters Of Privacy And Such

KANAYA: And Which Forms Of Expression People Feel At Ease Showing In Public

KANAYA: Pale Relationships Are Really Different I Think

KANAYA: What About The Other Kind

KANAYA: Seems To Me You Have Not Been Involved In Any So Im Not Sure You Really Understand

VRISKA: I just don't have time for anything like that in my life right now!

VRISKA: Red and 8lack rel8tionships are so a8sor8ing. I have a strong pale rel8tionship which is very important to me, 8ut that's a8out all I can handle.

VRISKA: May8e l8ter on when the dust settles from this crazy adventure, I'll consider it. 8ut for now, this is all I can deal with.

VRISKA: I just have too many irons in the fire, you know?

KANAYA: I Know All About The Irons

KANAYA: I Have Heard Rumors Of This Alleged Fire As Well

VRISKA: So what are they talking a8out?

KANAYA: What

VRISKA: All your 8uddies over there!

VRISKA: We were still talking a8out that. It's ridiculous how easily we all get sidetracked 8y romantic 8lither.

KANAYA: Oh

KANAYA: "Family" Stuff Mainly

VRISKA: It's pretty fascin8ting. Sociologically speaking, I mean.

VRISKA: Their idea of families.

VRISKA: The idea of si8lings is strange enough. People who are genetically similar and grow up together.

VRISKA: Spending all that time with Dave and Rose, you started getting a sense for it. Like, the logic of it, how it must have shaped Earth society. 8ut also its inherent ridiculousness.

VRISKA: Sharing a residence with your near-clone while growing up? So preposterous.

VRISKA: 8ut then you add the idea of parents, and suddenly it's complete madness.

VRISKA: Our society was so individualistic, and that all seemed so normal and reasona8le.

VRISKA: So I look over there, and see two Lalondes and a Strider, and there's a whole OTHER Strider on the way, and...

VRISKA: A human family starts striking me as not so much a social unit, so much as like, an INFEST8TION.

KANAYA: Yeah

KANAYA: Well

KANAYA: I Will Say An Entire Other Strider Does Sound Like A Bit Much

KANAYA: On Top Of What Is Already Quite A Spectacle

KANAYA: Maybe We Just Dont Get It

VRISKA: Of course we don't. That's my point.

VRISKA: I mean, we have ancestors, 8ut under normal circumstances it's pretty much UNHEARD of to imagine you'd ever get the chance to meet them.

VRISKA: We had the unusual privilege of meeting most of ours, or at least, certain versions of them.

VRISKA: 8ut that's still just a one-person lineage. It's really simple and comprehensi8le.

VRISKA: Human lineage is just a huge clusterfuck if you ask me.

KANAYA: There Is A Certain Advantage To It Though

KANAYA: Their Decentralized Propagation Makes It A Lot More Likely Their Race Will Persist

KANAYA: The Same Cannot Be Said For Ours

KANAYA: I Still Often Wonder If We Are The Last Of Our Kind

VRISKA: You're still dou8tful a8out whether you can hatch a new mother gru8?

KANAYA: Yeah

KANAYA: More Than Doubtful Id Say

VRISKA: You shouldn't lose faith!

VRISKA: I'm not even the slightest 8it worried a8out whether you can do it.

VRISKA: When you get the chance, just 8rainstorm a8out it with the Lalondes. They tend to 8e full of ideas.

VRISKA: Anyway, try not to get down a8out it. I have a good feeling. ::::)

KARKAT: GET DOWN ABOUT WHAT

KANAYA: A Particular Obligation I Have Yet To Fulfill

KANAYA: I Sense She Possesses Some Intelligence On The Matter She Wishes To Be Cagey About So I Guess That Part Of The Conversation Has Been Concluded

KARKAT: OBLIGATION?

KARKAT: VRISKA, HAVE YOU BEEN DISHING MORE DIRT ON OUR STRATEGY BEFORE FORMALLY BRINGING OUR MEETING BACK TO ORDER?

KARKAT: PRETTY SLOPPY LEADERSHIP MOVE, IF YOU ASK ME.

VRISKA: Karkat, it had NOTHING to do with your and Kanaya's upcoming roles in this campaign.

VRISKA: It was a more priv8 matter pertaining to Kanaya's 8roader significance to the future of our people.

VRISKA: I will 8e very clearly spelling out the roles you and she will 8e playing momentarily.

KARKAT: ME AND SHE??

KARKAT: AS IN LIKE, TOGETHER?

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING TOGETHER.

VRISKA: You'll find out.

KARKAT: GREAT! I'M SO GLAD.

KARKAT: AT THIS POINT, I ONLY EVER FEEL ANGST OR EVEN THE SLIGHTEST SENSE OF AGITATION IN MY SOUL TO THE PRECISE EXTENT THAT I WORRY VRISKA *MIGHT* NOT HAVE ALL OF OUR FORTUNES COMPLETELY MAPPED OUT ALREADY.

KARKAT: I'M BEGINNING TO HYPERVENTILATE SLIGHTLY LESS JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!!!

VRISKA: Good to hear, Karkat. Almost as cool as it is to see you yelled yourself out with John and Dave already, and have decided to come clock in some yelling time with us.

VRISKA: Your a8ility to dig deep down and find a second wind is really quite astonishing. I shudder to think what would happen to this party if we ran out of its most precious natural resource.

KARKAT: HAHAHA!

KARKAT: BURNED. OWNED. DEVASTATED. WHAT MORE IS THERE TO SAY?

KARKAT: NOTHING REALLY, UNLESS YOU WANT WHATEVER PITIFUL TATTERS OF YOUR SELF IMAGE YOU HAVE LEFT TO GET POWER-PISSED ON BY GODQUEEN SERKET HERSELF, YET AGAIN.

KARKAT: EITHER THAT, OR ONE COULD RUMINATE FONDLY OVER THE HEAVENLY RET-FORKED REALITY WHEREIN SHE WAS STABBED IN THE BACK BY HER MOIRAIL, AND WE ALL GOT TO LIVE OUT THE *FUCKING BLISS* THAT TIMELINE MUST HAVE BEEN.

KARKAT: JUST THINK OF THE PEACE AND QUIET WE WOULD HAVE HAD ON THE METEOR! IT WAS PROBABLY *MORE* THAN WORTH THE PRICE OF CANNON BALLING ASS FIRST INTO SOME SORT OF MASSACRE TRAP.

KARKAT: VRISKA SERKET, MAKING THE LIVING ENVY THE HYPOTHETICAL DEAD SINCE... WHENEVER IT WAS SHE STARTED DOING THAT!

VRISKA: Way to stick the landing on that 8ar8, genius.

VRISKA: I appreci8te that you are just "moseying over" to ar8itrarily drum up some utterly meaningless contention 8etween us, 8ut it's like I've said 8efore many times, Karkat. I'm not interested!

KARKAT: OUCH! SLAUGHTERED AGAIN. "HEHEHE!"

KARKAT: DON'T LISTEN TO HER, KANAYA. IT'S LIKE THIS RUNNING GAG SHE DOES ALL THE TIME, TO OWN ME.

KANAYA: What

KARKAT: IT'S THIS FUNNY THING WE DO. OR MAINLY, SHE DOES.

KARKAT: ALWAYS IMPLYING THAT I'VE BEEN SPADES-CRUSHING ON HER, AND GETTING SHUT DOWN. IT NEVER STOPS BEING HILARIOUS!

KANAYA: ...

KARKAT: FIRST OF ALL, AS IF SHE CAN PROVE ANYTHING.

KARKAT: SECOND, IF WE'RE BEING *TOTALLY FAIR* HERE, MORE THAN A FEW OF HER SNAPPY COMEBACKS ARE ARGUABLY MORE TINGED WITH THAT SORT OF EYEBROW-COCKING HOSTILITY THAN ANYTHING *I'VE* EVER SAID TO HER.

KARKAT: MAYBE MAKES ONE A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS, NO? THAT MAYBE THERE'S SOME PROJECTION GOING ON HERE. JUST SAYING!!!

VRISKA: Alright Karkat, I'm going to leave you here to dig yourself into whatever em8arrassing hole you seem intent on digging.

VRISKA: I'm going to keep working the crowd a 8it. As you know, a leader's jo8 is never done! See ya.

KARKAT: BYE! MAYBE TRY ACTING A LITTLE MORE GRACIOUS IN DEFEAT NEXT TIME.

KARKAT: JUST A LITTLE ADVICE FROM ONE LEADER TO ANOTHER!

KANAYA: Shes Gone I Think You Needed To Come Up With That Comeback A Little Faster

KARKAT: YEAH

KARKAT: DAMN

KANAYA: I Think As A Friend It Would Behoove Me To Um

KANAYA: Confide Somewhat

KANAYA: About The Realities Of Pursuing Anything With Her

KARKAT: WAIT

KARKAT: WHAT??

KARKAT: KANAYA, YOU WEREN'T TAKING THAT PATHETIC JOKEY UNREQUITED BLACKROM STUFF SERIOUSLY, WERE YOU???

KANAYA: Lets Imagine That My Attitude Toward The Joking Or Non Joking Status Of That Is Perfectly Neutral

KANAYA: While I Just Say These Things

KANAYA: Aside From The Fact That She Literally Just Got Finished Telling Me She Wasnt Interested In Any Non Pale Relationships

KANAYA: I Think That Would Be A Blind Alley Regardless

KANAYA: I Admit This From Experience

KANAYA: And Not Without Chagrined Hesitation

KANAYA: But Only Frustration And Heartbreak Are Down That Road

KARKAT: OH??

KANAYA: Shes Turned Out To Be A Tremendous Partner In Pale Relationships

KANAYA: Maybe Even Um

KANAYA: A Bit Freakishly So?

KANAYA: But Anything Stronger Than That I Think Would Probably Be Disastrous

KANAYA: She Is Way Too Focused And Self Absorbed To Maintain Such Strong Feelings For Long

KANAYA: She Would Need To Learn To Let Go Of Some Of Her Ambition And Figure Out How To Prioritize The Feelings Of Other People

KANAYA: She Might Even Figure Out How To Be

KANAYA: Happy

KANAYA: *Shudder*

KARKAT: YEAH, WOW

KARKAT: A CHILL JUST RAN UP MY POSTURE POLE, TRYING TO IMAGINE THAT.

KARKAT: YOU KNOW...

KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE EVER TOLD YOU.

KARKAT: BUT YOU HAVE A REALLY IMPRESSIVE GRASP OVER ROMANTIC ANALYSIS.

KANAYA: Well I Have Read A Lot Of Novels Too

KANAYA: I Just Dont Brag Much About It

KANAYA: Because It Would...

KANAYA: Literally Be Preposterous To Do So

KARKAT: WE SHOULD BE JAMMING ON THIS SUBJECT MORE. MAYBE EXPLORE SOME OF MY MORE ADVANCED THEORIES.

KARKAT: WE'RE SURROUNDED BY AMATEURS IN THIS FIELD, SO IT GETS A BIT FRUSTRATING.

KARKAT: WELL, THE MAYOR'S A GOOD SOUNDING BOARD AT LEAST. WHEN I WANT TO BOUNCE SOME OF MY MORE "OUT THERE" IDEAS OFF SOMEONE.

KANAYA: Why Dont We Schedule An Academic Conference Some Time

KANAYA: Just You Me And The Mayor

KARKAT: OH FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[deadrlngers]

people really say that us, as a society, don't have a problem with fatphobia and then some kind of influencer/singer will go on ig live and say "well at least cancer made me lose weight hehe". like what the fuck

[hellcheer-munson]

Thoughts on Secrets of Dumbledore - SPOILERS

So basically I have a cold/sore throat from screaming at kids for four days straight so I’m not actually well and I was so close to not going on opening day in the UK today (well, technically it’s Saturday now so it’s yesterday but still) because I feel rotten. But I had to - as someone known for their Fantastic Beasts obsession, and having waited for nearly four years, I wasn’t about to miss out on this film on opening day.

There was a lot going on and I’m not well so I may have missed some things out or even missed bits in the film, so please bear with me, I’ve tried my best to remember as much as possible and I’m also happy to answer any DMs or asks if people have questions! Also, I’ve tried to keep it as in order as it happened as possible, but again, I’m ill and have probably gotten mixed up in places!

So, here’s my post about the film. There are SPOILERS below the cut so please don’t open the post and then send hate to me because I spoiled the film because not only is it marked and tagged, it’s also under a read more! You’ve been warned!

⚠️ SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT! SPOILERS FOR THE NEW FANTASTIC BEASTS ⚠️

Firstly, let me take a moment to say FUCK JK ROWLING 🖕🏻 ANYWAY, moving on:

First of all, I liked SoD a LOT more than CoG. Like a LOT more. It felt more like the first film mixed with a bit of Harry Potter, and even used a LOT of the same soundtrack from the first film

This film was funny in place but also REALLY dark in others??? Like holy shit???

I’m not sure how long after CoG the film is set quite frankly but I’m pretty sure at one point they said that it was a month ago??? Or Lally said that a year ago was when Jacob met Newt??? But then Bunty says she’s been working for Newt for 8 years and however many days… I don’t know, I thought it was the 30s???

Also it’s Autism Acceptance Month and the fact we’re getting Newt Scamander being his beautiful autistic self this month just makes sense ♾

So the film starts with Dumbledore and Grindelwald having tea which is kind of nice

Sorry to the Depp fans out there but Mads Mikkelsen should have been cast as Grindelwald from the start… I agree what WB did was appalling, but I loved Mads as Grindelwald, which I honestly wasn’t expecting

“Because I was in love with you” - HE FUCKING SAID IT. The gasp that went out in the audience was so fucking funny, like how do y’all NOT know by now???

NEWT IS MY AUTISTIC HERO 😭 I adore him, I almost wish the films were solely about him searching for magical beasts frankly

Newt helping the mummy Qilin give birth was so Newt, I love him, he was putting his head on its side and comforting her, I adore him

Grindelwald’s followers got the first baby Qilin but then the mother had twins 😭❤️

YES I CRIED AT MUMMY QILIN DYING WITH NEWT NEXT TO HER 😭

Newt cradling a baby Qilin is not the content I was expecting but I’m grateful for it

The Newt scenes remain my favourite in this film, and maybe I’m biased because he’s autistic and I’m autistic, but yeah

Pickett with his mini glasses 😭❤️

Teddy being in charge in the case was adorable like omg

Wooo Wyvern!!! I love seeing more beasts!

So apparently Qilins bow to those who are pure of heart and can also see the future or something?

Grindelwald kept touching Credence/his face in a way that made me VERY uncomfortable

NOT GRINDELWALD SLITTING THE BABY QILIN’S THROAT

Queenie is now a platinum blonde????

Theseus remains my hot husband 🤧😮‍💨💛 fucking adore that man and would jump him without second thought

PRAISE THE MAKE UP AND HAIR PEOPLE, THEY LET THESEUS HAVE A BIT OF CURL IN HIS HAIR ❤️👏🏻👀👌🏻

Theseus was hardcore judging Dumbledore for making that blood pact and I find that really funny??? He’s like “… why would you do that???”

I love love LOVE the Scamander brothers so much, I love their dynamic and them as individuals! The banter, the moments… love them!

I can relate to Theseus being the exasperated older sibling but also relate to Newt being the autistic one whose sibling is like “…????? The fuck???”

Queenie checking on Credence was nice, they have a couple of nice moments together, and I love that she told him that she doesn’t always tell Grindelwald what she hears Credence thinking

I don’t think I was supposed to be thinking “LESBIAN QUEENS” when Vinda and Queenie were in a shot together and yet that’s exactly where my brain went 😭

Jacob was still getting the biggest laughs out of the audience, I love him. He remains such a wonderful character even in the depth of a depression/funk

To be fair, there were quite a few laughs in the film and it wasn’t just me laughing, there were a lot of people of there and most of them were laughing

Noooo not Jacob’s bakery struggling because of the Great Depression (presumably)

LALLY IS A FUCKING QUEEN I LOVE HER

I love love LOVE the Jacob and Lally dynamic so much, it was one of my favourite things in the film

Bunty is the fucking thirstiest most desperate bitch. I don’t like the actress and I don’t like the character and every time she appeared and made a joke I had to roll my eyes. Her character is STILL very much “I’m in love with my boss who doesn’t love me back” and not a lot else

Shout out to the reviewer who said she was “one note” and another who said she was a “JK R*wling lookalike” lmfao 🤣

I love that Newt and Lally are already friends who have corresponded, it’s so sweet

Newt introducing Lally to everyone and forgetting his own brother 😂

I’m not sure but… are the films gonna make Theseus and Lally a thing??? There was a little moment where they met each other/were introducing themselves directly to each other, then they got paired up in Bhutan… idk, maybe just me?

BABY NIFFLERS GETTING BIG 😭

Also I think two of their names in the film are said to be “Alfie” and “Timothy”???

By the way, someone on Twitter that I was once friends with said a few weeks ago in the audio chat/space thing that Newt’s autism “disappeared” when he hugged Jacob (because that had been seen in trailers) and I would like to say NOPE. Not how it works, don’t care if it was a joke or if that person was autistic too, it made me super uncomfortable! And when I said that, she blocked me so… yep.

^Sorry but I don’t like jokes like that. Maybe I’m just sensitive but it made me, an autistic person who loves Newt and is so grateful for him being autistic, very upset and uncomfortable. Maybe some autistic people are fine with those jokes, and that’s fine! I’m just personally not, it makes me upset and makes me feel like they’re mocking Newt being autistic or saying he’s not really autistic so… sorry.

Knowing he’s autistic made me so happy and helped me accept the fact I was going for an autism diagnosis (and have since received the diagnosis that yes I’m autistic). Knowing this non-stereotypical character I loved and who’s played by one of my favourite actors is autistic helped me feel better during the process and made me feel like it would be okay, so yeah!

Tina being the head of the MACUSA AUROR OFFICE LIKE SHE FUCKING DESERVES, WE LOVE A GIRLBOSS

I love that Lally was praising the shit out of Tina and saying she was an incredible woman, we love to see it

Okay, on the topic of Tina… I wish there was more of her. I do. Writing that she’s too busy just seemed kind of lazy. She has like 2 minutes of screentime near the end of the film, first at MACUSA and then at the Jacob and Queenie wedding???

You can’t honestly and seriously tell me that Tina fuckin’ Goldstein would rather be head of the Aurors than try to help her sister or Credence???? Like yeah yeah yeah, she’s a career girl and all that, but also she was willing to lose her job and break the rules to save Credence before??? What the fuck???

Newt seemed super sad about Tina being busy and Lally jumping in to say how amazing she is… ??? I don’t know why but it felt like there was more to it than just her being busy??? Because I’m pretty sure there was a weird silence, and it sounded like they were trying to cover it up???

JACOB GOT A WAND 👏🏻🤧 it didn’t have a core but still?!? He deserves it

I love Teddy refusing to let go of Theseus’ red and golden tie 😂

NO BUT DID JACOB MAKE A WAND INNUENDO JOKE OR???? I couldn’t hear properly because my ears are blocked by my sister’s friend was sitting next to me and she started laughing??? Something about Theseus’ wand actually working???

I do appreciate Theseus just being the bemused and dry older brother, I know some of it is probably down to still being sad about his fiancée dying but still

There were quite a few mentions of Leta, by the way, which was interesting

I had some trouble hearing the dialogue at times, and I thought this might be just because I’ve got blocked ears from my cold - but then my sister and her friend (both of whom are not sick) also said that they struggled to hear it so… ???

NOT THEM CLEARING GRINDELWALD OF HIS CRIMES 😭😭😭 BE MORE FUCKED I DARE YOU-

Not Theseus getting himself fucking arrested 😭😭😭 my dumbass husband I love him

It’s the fact he got arrested going after the people he recognised from the rally where Leta was killed 😭

Newt was trying to go after Theseus as they dragged him away but was stopped because “not here, there’s nothing we can do”

Also Jacob starting to protest about Grindelwald’s name being cleared like “I WAS THERE, HE LITERALLY MURDERED PEOPLE” and the others having to shush him

NEWT KEEPING A PHOTO OF TINA IN HIS CASE AND HIS POCKET THOUGH 😭😭😭😭

I don’t think Newtina are together by this point but there’s no inclination they are or aren’t??? It’s like “where’s Tina” “she’s busy, she’s head of the Aurors” and then her conversation with newt is basically “did you do something with you hair?” “Just for the wedding” etc. There’s no kiss, no “she’s my girlfriend/fiancée/we’re together”, it’s very confusing for me

An instruction for Bunty’s eyes only… the fact she was given important jobs AND was the one to have the Qilin at the end… so cheesey. Sorry but I can’t stand her 😭 she’s the only character I dislike to this extent. JKR wanted her to be the main girl instead of Tina so bad and it failed

(I’m still at least somewhat convinced that Bunty got such a big role because Katherine called JKR out explicitly - more so than anyone else - for her bullshit, and it’s of course just a very interesting coincidence that Bunty - whose actress sucked up to JKR during one of the transphobic tirades - is suddenly given such a big part… 👀 … anyway)

Interesting to know that Wizarding world politics is just as corrupt and fucked as muggle politics

Dumbledore talking about what Ariana used to like and Aberforth like “I WAS there, you know”, such sibling behaviour

Aberforth calling the person at the door a sod and then apologizing because “sorry for calling you a sod, Minerva” 😂

The Albus and Credence fight was actually pretty cool, not gonna lie

I noticed in the scene with Grindelwald and Yusuf Kama, Leta’s theme could be heard in the soundtrack 🤧

Yusuf Kama being a triple agent was… interesting

Bunty continuing to be cringe by making jokes that it’s her husband’s case and he’s “so forgetful that sometimes he forgets he’s married to me”, followed by the most awkward 10-15 seconds of laughter I’ve ever had to sit and witness 🤦

I’m not saying she’s a pick me girl but she kind of is???

Nahhh but why were they suddenly swarming Grindelwald like he was a rockstar 😭😂

I do love Grindelwald just rocking up to this fancy ass dinner with his top buttons undone, bow tie undone, his followers flanking him

Vinda looked fine as fUCK in her suit, by the way 👌🏻 👀

Why the house elf conducting music??? 😭😭😭 stop putting house elf slavery in, I’m-

Jacob saying the Norwegian Minister of Magic looks like his uncle 😂

Not everyone thinking Jacob was attempting to assassinate Grindelwald 😭 he’s literally a muggle, how the fuck you think he gonna use a wand??? Use your brains???

Lally looked like a QUEEN in her dress by the way

I love Queenie low-key doing a little bit of magic to stop Jacob getting hurt even as she walked away with the rest of the acolytes

Newt snatching the photo of Tina away before the jail keeper at the Erkstag could take it 😭❤️

Not me crying at the jail keeper taking Pickett and Teddy away 😭 I was laughing at them both being in Newt’s coat and him being like “he’s a pet… he’s a pet too” but then crying two seconds later at them being taken and locked away

No but the laugh I let out at Newt doing the dance was literally inhuman, I canNOT-

Newt and Theseus doing the manticore dance was one of my favourite moments. In fact all of that sequence was amazing and I wish there were more sequences like that

“I am swivelling” “I don’t think you are” - GOLDEN

The big manticore was TERRIFYING by the way, it ate people and then spit them back out

Teddy and Pickett are not the duo I expected but they’re the duo we deserve and they stole the movie 😭❤️

I’m still crying with laughter thinking about Pickett falling with Newt’s wand and the Niffler jumping up, looking like he’s about to help Pickett… and then he soars past him to grab a shit ton of gold 😂👏🏻 beautiful scene right there, 11/10

NOT THESEUS STEPPING ON A BABY MANTICORE 😭🤧

The Erkstag place is actually terrifying as a whole because the prisoners are tied upside down and they have lanterns with these little firefly things next to them, and when the lanterns go out then the big manticore at the bottom eats them before spitting the remains back up for the baby ones to eat???

Newt and Theseus realising they’re still holding hands when they had Portkey-ed to safety and immediately letting each other’s hands go LMFAO JUST SIBLING THINGS

Jacob saying he got his wand for Christmas 😂

Not the Slytherins giving Jacob a bag of Cockroach Clusters 😭😂

Jacob calling Hogwarts students “pint sized wizards” LMFAO

Dumbledore giving points to a house that’s NOT Gryffindor?!? Unheard of! 🤣

I nearly died laughing at Aberforth giving them the worst looking food to eat and Theseus immediately tucking in like “after being in that dungeon, even this tastes good to me”

So Credence is in fact Aberforth’s son?!?! Jesus Christ??? I’m not sure how I feel about that like what the fuck (his mother was just “some girl from Godric’s Hollow”)

Also confirmation that Ariana was an Obscurial! I went “oh???” When that was revealed

This is probably just because I’m sick because I felt like this film was so long… not necessarily a bad thing but I’m not well so 😭

Grindelwald straight up nearly choking Credence for failing to realize there were TWO baby Qilins though

Theseus holding the baby Qilin 😭👌🏻❤️🤧 GOODBYE MY OVARIES I CANT-

EYYYY IT’S THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT

There were 5 cases and they all chose a random one so no one knew which one was the real case and therefore none of Grindelwald’s side could know it either

So Grindelwald killed the first Qilin baby then resurrected it so that it would bow to him at the ceremony and put him in charge??? And Newt + the gang’s main plan is to get the alive Qilin to Bhutan so the election isn’t rigged???

I do love that they kept on reiterating how pure of heart and brave Jacob is 😭

Interesting that the decoy cases, from what I could tell, were filled with stuff seemingly related to the person who randomly picked it: Jacob’s had pastries, Lally’s had books, and Theseus’ had Quidditch stuff (perhaps hinting at him being a Quidditch player at school?)

Jacob and Queenie truly couldn’t have chosen a worse time or place to have their little romantic reunion 😭 like I’m happy for them but Jesus Christ it was so poorly timed???

They’re very sweet though, and him saying that his heart isn’t full because it’s always got room for her (or something to that effect) was so beautiful

Not that bitch (whose name I can’t remember, something Fisher?) taking the case Newt had and destroying it, and he thought it was his actual case I think??? 😭

I’m sorry, I can’t believe this is a whole ass film about a Wizarding Election?!? I don’t even like thinking about real politics, let alone fantasy politics

Also they went from talking about a democratic vote to deciding “hey, let’s let the magical creature bow and choose our leader” like, excuse me??? 😭

Not Grindelwald using Crucio on Jacob 😭

No but it’s the very first thing Grindelwald does upon getting elected, torturing Jacob, and people were STILL rooting for him, what the fuck-

Credence turning to the side of good seemed kind of out of left field, I won’t lie. Like I know Dumbledore said stuff to him after their fight and Grindelwald straight up choked him but also it just seemed a little… out of nowhere?

… of course Bunty was the one with the real case. Because of course she was 🙄

I wanted to cry at the alive-Qilin seeing her zombiefied-twin and trying to talk to her, and Newt telling her “she can’t hear you” and “maybe somewhere she can hear you” 😭

I do like that they showed the British MoM, the French one from the second film, MACUSA… it was a nice little callback if nothing else

NAHHH NOT ME CRYING WHEN IT SHOWED TINA AT MACUSA WATCHING NEWT WITH THE QILIN 😭😭😭 I KNOW THE BACK OF HER ANYWHERE, EVEN BEFORE THEY SHOWED HER FACE

Not the Qilin bowing to Dumbledore, meaning he’s pure of heart 🤨 but I did laugh when he was like “… oh no no no no no-” LMFAO

THE BLOOD PACT BROKE AND GRINDELDORE HAD A FIGHT BUT DIDNT KILL EACH OTHER

Grindelwald really fell backwards off the mountain and disappeared

Look I’ll admit it’s been a while since I watched the first two films but… sometimes during the film I was like “… what is happening”, and that’s how I felt about the blood pact breaking. Like sure “he shot to harm and I shot to protect” but…? What??? Maybe I’m just stupid 😭

I’m 90% sure Credence died off screen after Aberforth took him home. It’s made very clear he’s dying but they don’t show an actual death so who knows anymore???

NEWT WAS STIMMING NEAR THE END BY RUBBING HIS COAT POCKET I CANT 😭❤️ THANK YOU EDDIE FOR THE AUTISTIC NEWT CONTENT

No but I had to try very hard not to do some hand flapping at the sight of Newt stimming, it just makes me so happy 😭❤️

Bunty: *sees a photo of Tina in Newt’s case* // Me: LMFAO sucks to be you bitch

I hope she cries at the future newtina wedding 🙃

At least she seems to accept that Newt loves Tina I guess??? If I had to say one positive about her???

Jacob and Queenie have spent however long apart and suddenly they’re getting married??? Even though in the last one he made a big deal about it being against the law??? And it’s not like they’re in England by the way, they’re still in America and the law is still very much in place against No-Maj and magical mixing????

I love Queenie teasing Newt like “you’re nervous for another reason, aren’t you?” (Because he’s going to see Tina at the wedding)

Queenie’s dress and head piece was… a thing. She looked beautiful but it’s not something I’d personally wear myself

Newt being Jacob’s best man at the wedding and worrying over his best man speech was content I didn’t know I needed 😭 I kind of wish we could have heard the speech!

THE NEWTINA SCENE WAS THE FUCKING MOST AMAZING SCENE BY THE WAY

Tina is maid of honour 😭❤️

THE USE OF “Newt says goodbye to Tina” (aka THE Newtina theme), I was SOBBING

I’m still so bloody mad that Tina’s only scenes were 1) her just looking at the election broadcast at MACUSA (no lines) and 2) the wedding at the bakery. I mean yeah there’s the photo but still???

She looked fab as fuck, and I love her and Lally hugging but… yeah.

Small thing, my sister said Katherine looked extremely skinny in the film and I don’t know if that’s due to COVID or not, but… anyway.

Newt, Theseus and Jacob in their suits 👌🏻

I’m pretty sure Theseus made a comment to Newt before entering the bakery that just screamed: “… you’ve complimented how everyone looks BUT me” 😂 I can’t remember the exact comment but I’m pretty sure it happened

Cannot believe the approximately 15 people getting up and walking out before the credits even rolled 😤 like there were 30 seconds left and NOW you get up and leave?!?

Okay but who the fuck invited Bunty to the wedding when she barely fucking knows Jacob and Queenie??? And she turned up late???

The soundtrack had mostly pieces from the first film, a couple from the second, and then some Harry Potter soundtrack in there

My sister isn’t really a fan of the films but she has seen them and she didn’t like it 😭 she said it felt like it dragged and was super slow (and sometimes I admit that I felt that way a little bit too but whatever)

If nothing else, the film has made me want to jump back into writing newtina fics in a way that the first film did and the second film didn’t, so yay!!!

There’s a song (like a song with lyrics) that plays when Jacob is in the bakery thinking of Queenie and again at the wedding and then again over the end credits, and it’s called “Heaven” by Gregory Porter - it’s the official Jacob/Queenie song, let’s be honest!

So… to be honest, this felt very much like a final film. The blood pact thing is resolved, Credence knows who he is and is most likely dead (at the very least, he’s dying), Jacob and Queenie are married… I don’t know. It feels like it’s a final film but also enough there that there could be more films, if that makes sense. I feel like WB are planning to see what the box office/reception is before continuing forwards, to be honest, and I don’t know how to feel about it.

I really hope it’s not a final film because I would admittedly like to see more Tina, more Newt, more Newtina, and also that final duel between Grindelwald and Dumbledore. Despite how much I whine and complain, I’ll be very upset if this is where it comes to an end because this series does still mean a lot to me. It was definitely a HUGE improvement on the second film - in fact, this would probably be my favourite of the three if not for the severe lack of Tina.

I do want to watch it again, when I’m NOT sick and when I’m mentally ready again because mentally I’m all over the place at the moment, especially if this ends up being the last one. I wholeheartedly recommend the film though, I truly do, and I look forward to hearing what other fans say!

[shorkbrian]

I swear I ain’t in it for the money, but I can’t stop thinking about sugar daddy shoto. Maybe he sweeps a cute little college kid or barista of their feet, just something fun and casual. But this man starts falling harder, needing a way to lock them down to him. Money isn’t quite cutting it anymore, so he decides fucking a baby into her would do the trick. Shoto would push her down into the mattress, large frame twisting her into a sweet mating press. This way they could stay together forever and Shoto would have absolutely no problem providing for his sweet family <3

but fr tho I feel like Shouto is NOT the type for kids.

Mans will tolerate them when they babble or wave at him, but he very actively Does Not Want them.

Always uses condoms, and even though he’ll threaten not to, it’s never a legit thought in his mind to cum inside. Shouto doesn’t want to be a dad.

-----

You’ll be sittin on a park bench, fading sunset dark and pretty in front of you yet all you can do is cry. There’s not really any people around so it’s not like you’re bothering anyone - you hadn’t wanted to cry in your shabby apartment (half the cause of your worries) just in case you received a noise complaint.

“Are you alright?”

A somber, smooth voice is heard. You’re swiping at your tears quickly as you look up, trying to laugh off your state of distress. “Oh, haha, yeah I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” It’s hard to smile with your puffy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes.

The man in front of you frowns, hands in his coat pockets, scarf draped around his neck. “You don’t look fine. Mind if I sit?”

He’s already claiming the spot next to you on the bench before you can say a word, turning to you with a passive expression. “Why are you crying?”

And that’s all it takes to have you breaking down all over again, tears streaming down your face. Just one person offering to listen to the heavy burden you have to bear.

‘’M sor-sorry...” You sob, wiping at your eyes with frigid fingers, successful in doing nothing more but smearing tears around your face.

“Here.” The man’s taking off his scarf, gloved hands offering it you.

“I ca-can’t use your sc-scarf sir.” But he’s insistent, pressing it into your hands up by your face.

“I’ll just get another one. Keep it, you’re in need of it more than I am.”

The kindness makes another fresh bout of tears roll down your cheeks, but this time you're able to dab them away with soft fabric as you sniffle.

It takes a moment for you to calm yourself. When you do, you can finally engage in conversation with the man.

You tell him about your job hours getting cut, how you’ve been turned down or ignored by every single place you’ve applied at for a second job. How you’re barely affording to wash your clothes - you have to hang them or drape them across things in your apartment because you don’t have the money to pay for a dryer cycle.

And to top it all off, you’re still short on rent, despite how you scrimped and saved and even forced yourself not to buy groceries this week - you’ve gone hungry for the past three days.

“You haven’t eaten?”

You glance up at the man and his incredulous expression, shaking your head. “I’ve been trying to save money, I thought I could afford my rent if-”

“What kind of food do you like?” The man is pulling out his phone, swiping and tapping immediately. 

“Thank you, but I’m not-” looking for charity is what you want to say. Plus, you shouldn’t accept favors from strange men.

But the handsome man is waving you silent. “I’m cold, plus I’d like to grab a bite to eat before I head home. I don’t like eating alone though, you’d honestly be doing me a favor.”

You take a moment to process. Is he telling the truth? He sounds like an honest guy.

“Seems like the only place open around here is “Joe’s 24 hour Diner”.... You mind burgers?”

So that's how you end up in a booth opposite the man (”Shouto” he had told you as you both headed to the diner), munching away at warm food. It tastes so good, you hardly have time to worry about the man watching you as he eats.

You’d been shocked at his looks the moment you’d seen him in the light of the diner. Pretty two-toned hair, different colored eyes, perfect skin, expensive clothes. Why was he even talking to you? It’s obvious the two of you led very different lives.

“How does everything taste?”

“Delicious.” Is your response, and Shouto seems pleased, nodding before taking another bite of his meal.

Maybe it’s stupid... but you feel weirdly safe with this man. He doesn’t seem to bear any ill-intent towards you, nor has he made any comments about your body or let his hands or eyes stray. He seems like a gentleman.

Conversation flows easily between the two of you, even sharing a few chuckles at times. He’s some fancy rich businessman, you learn, and you share about your own life, laughing at the comparisons. Shouto can’t fathom growing up in a house with less than five bedrooms and a personal servant.

He asks for your number, and you’re hesitant in giving it - he surely can’t be interested in you? But he seems so sincere, it’s hard to say no.

When the two of you part ways, Shouto gives you a wave, “Hope to see you again soon, and under better circumstances.”

“You too! And sorry for being such a mess and stopping your walk-”

Shouto shrugs, cheeks beginning to pink from the cold air as you two stand outside the diner. “You needed help. I like to assist.”

-----

The next morning you wake to find an atrociously large sum deposited in your Venmo account by none other than a Shouto Todoroki.

Immediately, you’re calling him. “It’s too much, we just met. How can you give away that much money to some low-life?”

You hear him sigh on the other end of the phone. “You’re obviously struggling. I was wondering what your hours are this week, perhaps we could talk about this over dinner? Or lunch, if that fits better with your schedule. I’m flexible.”

It’s a few days later, days spent questioning yourself, questioning his intentions, before you see him again, both of you deciding to meet for lunch to further discuss... whatever had just happened.

“Was what I gave you adequate to cover your rent?” Are the first words out of Shouto’s mouth after you greet each other.

“Yeah, more than enough-” You squirm. “But I need to ask.... why?”

“Why?”

“Why me.” 

“Oh.” Shouto’s expression clears. “That’s easy. I told you a few days ago - I like to assist. I’m quite lonely, and it feels nice to use my money on someone other than myself. I think providing for someone brings me... I wouldn’t quite say joy, but... contentment.”

You contemplate his answer for a moment. 

“Well... you saved me with my rent, I don’t really know how to thank you.”

The man leans forward. “Well.... I know it might be a bit sudden, but how would you feel accepting me as a.... benefactor of sorts?”

“You mean like a sugar daddy?” Is your immediate, blurted response. You want to slap yourself for speaking before you have the chance to think about your words, but luckily Shouto just lets out a light laugh.

“If you’d like to call it that. I’m willing to provide financial assistance for you, in exchange for companionship, if you’re willing to give it.”

Your face heats up as you drop your eyes, fidgeting nervously in your seat. “I don’t feel comfortable with a... a sexual relationshi-”

“That’s perfectly acceptable.” Shouto cuts you off before you can continue. “I wasn’t trying to insinuate a contract of that nature. I’m thinking more along the lines of accompanying me at meals, sharing experiences with me, providing company and friendship to a lonely man. If it seems that we’d like to progress further than that after we get to know each other, well, that will be addressed then. For now-” Shouto meets your eye, dipping his head a smidgeon so he can look at you directly. “All I ask for is a simple, non-intimate bond between two people.”

This is crazy.

And yet you accept.

The situation may be wild, and completely absurd, but you’d be a fool not to say yes.

Shouto is charming and handsome, respectful, courteous - you could go on and on about his positive qualities. He just seems like a sad, lonesome man swallowed by work and responsibilities, too stressed and busy to put the effort into making friends the conventional way. 

-----

Months pass by.

You’re eating at every meal, sated and never going hungry. You’re able to move into a new place, one that doesn’t smell like cigarettes and sits right next to a railroad.

Clothes aren’t a worry anymore, you have your own washer and dryer in your new apartment (Shouto offered to buy you a house, or a penthouse at the least, but you couldn’t justify it to yourself). You’re able to afford new things, and pretty dresses, shoes that are comfortable and fashionable and that fit.

You no longer have to wear clothes down until they have holes in them. You’re able to go to the doctor’s when you feel sick, able to pay for health insurance.

Life is good.

Shouto is a personable man, serious, but he can be rather funny and even crude at times.

The doubt and thoughts of “Why is he doing this for me?” and “I’m not good enough for this.” plague you, but Shouto always seems to catch on, reassuring you that you’re exactly what he needs - a friend.

And you’re more than happy to be that.

You think sometimes, that even if he wasn’t paying you, you’d still like to be friends with Shouto Todoroki.

Until he starts acting weird.

“You should just stay at my place. I have more than enough room,, it’d be easier for both our schedules. We’d get to see each other more often.”

“Uhm...” You don’t really know what to say. You like your freedom, and having your own place where you can walk around in your (expensive) underwear without being bothered.

“I think it’d be nice, don’t you? We could have breakfast every morning, you wouldn’t have to worry about traveling to and fro, we could spend more time together. We don’t see each other nearly enough.”

He’s pushing, insistent. How are you supposed to tell him no? He’s paying for your entire life. Plus, it wouldn’t be that bad to actually live with him. Shouto’s an amicable man.

So you move in.

“I bought you a few things, they’re on your bed.” 

Shouto’s striding into the kitchen where you’re making coffee, buttoning up his shirt as he comes closer. You’ve found that the man likes to sleep in nothing but boxers, shrieking and flushing an embarrassing shade the first time he’d come to wake you up with a sweet “welcome” breakfast in bed.

It’s taken a while to adjust, but you finally feel that you’re fully settled in.

“Oh, you really don’t ha-”

“I wanted to. I went through your closet - your clothes are nice, but your underwear seemed to be lacking.” He’s so matter-of-fact.

All you can do is stare at the back of his head.

“Could you pass me a spoon please?”

-----

Shouto had splurged on expensive, fancy lingerie. 

At least eight different sets were laid out on your bed. It was overwhelming. It also felt.... a bit intrusive? They were all in your size, in a complementary color for your skin tone. 

Weird.

Not as weird as the onset of Shouto’s casual touches.

You’d be reading, or drinking tea and watching cars race by on the street so far below, and Shouto would come up behind you, caress your sides before intertwining his fingers with yours on one hand. He did it as if it was a normal thing, but it felt anything but normal.

Or you’d be on the couch together, and Shouto would shuffle closer until his large body was pressed to yours, almost curled around you. The faux-cuddling was a bit more off putting. How do you tell him no?

The touches became more and more intimate, Shouto’s gifts more and more frequent until you weren’t even spending a penny, the man taking care of everything.

The arrangement was beginning to make you uncomfortable.

Shouto’s bi-colored eyes seemed to always be on you, tracing the shape of your body, watching you move, or breath, or sit. It was distracting, and you felt bad for feeling this way towards the man who’d pulled you out of poverty, but it was so unnerving.

He seemed to notice.

“You’ve been so stressed these past few days. Is something wrong?” Shouto’s rubbing a hand into your shoulder, hovering over you at the dinner table.

“No?” Is all you can manage, wiping your hands on your napkin as you finish your food.

Shouto frowns. With a sigh, his hand drops from your shoulder and the man leaves your side, heads toward the kitchen.

You clear your plate from the table, following after him so you can wash it and put it in the dishwasher before you head off to get ready for bed. 

But Shouto is rummaging in a cupboard, pulling down two wine glasses to accompany the bottle of wine that’s standing proud on the island.  It’s your favorite, a sweet wine that Shouto knows you like, always brings it out when he decides to drink whisky or bourbon after dinner.

He pops the cork and pours you a glass while you finish with your dishes, handing you the glass when you turn away from the sink, pressing it into your hands. “Let’s relax a little bit, it’ll be good for both of us.”

You’re fine with that, knowing that a little wine won’t hurt you, especially when it’s of such fine quality. You’d never dreamed that you’d be able to taste such richness in your lifetime, spend frivolous amounts of money on wine and fine eateries. Yet here you are.

Shouto pours himself a glass, barely a sip filling the bottom. The man raises it to his lips and takes a swig, grimacing a bit in his flat, unexpressive way. You giggle a little.

“Too sweet?’

The man nods, setting the glass back down. “I’m not entirely sure how you can stand to stomach it. But if it makes you happy-” He shrugs, before pulling on of the bar-stools out from under the island so he can sit facing you, long legs stretching out before him.

You look at him, and he looks at you, and then you take another sip of wine to avoid the awkwardness.

“You’re distancing yourself from me.”

The accusation is quiet, Shouto’s eyes focused on your fingers wrapped around the stem of the glass.

He’s always been straightforward with his words. “Is there a reason you keep drawing away?”

The wine disappears from your glass, sliding down your throat and settling in your stomach. You fill your glass again before speaking, struggling to find the right words without upsetting your... benefactor.

“Well, Shouto... I don’t really know how to...” You trail off, hoping Shouto will say something, change the subject, say it’s alright and move on to something else.

But the man stays silent, eyes appraising you.

Taking a deep breath, and another gulp of sweetness, you try again.

“Sometimes the closeness... like, physical closeness? Makes me, well, uncomfortable.”

Hopefully, that would satisfy his curiosity for now. That wasn’t the only reason you’d been avoiding Shouto seeming distant, but you didn’t think sharing the others would result in anything good.

Said man accepted your response, dropping his eyes to his lap as he mulled it over. More wine was consumed, glass re-filled. You felt nervous.

“You’re saying that my touch isn’t something you’d prefer.”

Biting your lip, you soften at his confused expression, at the hint of sadness swimming behind his eyes. “Kind of. I don’t mind you Shouto, you’re really kind, and you’re good company, and a wonderful friend. I just don’t think the.... the intimacy is for me.”

Shouto raises his head, stares at you with those pretty eyes, lips parted as he comes to terms with your words. 

“It sounds like you don’t trust me. I would never hurt you, you know this.”

You scramble to assure him. “I do! I do trust you, and I know you wouldn’t.” (at least you hoped) “But I guess I just... Coming into this agreement I wasn’t ready for that type of... thing. I don’t know if I ever will be.”

The man rises, shakes his head as he steps closer to you. “Don’t worry, I remember our first conversation about that aspect. I see that for you, that type of relationship would only begin after you really cared for the other person, trusted and wanted to see them happy, am I correct?”

“Oh, Shouto-” You rush. “No, I care for you, and I trust you, and of course I want to see you happy. I think it’s just, y’know, my last relationship like that went really bad, and it sucked. I don’t want to go through that again.”

Shouto nods, understanding. “I see. You don’t have to worry about any of that with me then.”

A smile crosses your face, and you feel relived that he accepted your rejection with grace and understanding instead of violence or anger. “Thank you, it means a lot to me.”

The mood of the room shifted, from tense and uncomfortable, to easy and light, and you poured another glass of wine, laughing a little at how worried you were about the conversation with Shouto, only for it all to turn out fine.

“I’m going to go drink some of the liquor that’s kept in my room. I could mix a few drinks for you to try, you might like how sweet they are. I know hard alcohol isn’t quite your thing.”

You beam a smile, nodding your head eagerly. Before, you’d feel apprehensive about going into his room with him to drink alcohol. But with the conversation the two of you just had, you knew - things would be fine.

-----

The room was spinning and you felt giddy and light. You were definitely tipsy.

“You can lay down on my bed, you’re getting wobbly on your feet.” Shouto had offered, and you’d gladly accepted, flopping down onto his comfy bedspread with a laugh at how the motion made butterflies rise in your tummy.

Shouto leaned against his dresser, swirling whiskey in his glass as he watched you, a half-smile across his face. You smiled back, before closing your eyes, a little bit tired as you realized that you might be a bit more than just tipsy.

Shouto had mixed quite a few drinks for you, and you’d drank each one eagerly, impressed with how little alcohol you could taste in each one. You don’t remember how many you had, but it didn’t really matter.

The next thing you know, hands are on your waist, scooting you further up the bed so your legs no longer hang off the edge. Cracking open an eye, you’re met with the visage of red-and-white, eyes soft and warm as they regard you, Shouto’s face tinged a bit pink from the few drinks he had consumed. The man had never been too good at holding his alcohol.

When those hands started to slip beneath your shirt, you wiggled like a little worm, not really comprehending the situation. Maybe it was a dream.

Your shirt was discarded, then your pants. It felt much more comfortable now, and you mumbled a “thanks” to the man helping you settle for bed. He was so nice, Shouto took such good care of you. You still kind of couldn’t believe the turn your life had taken with him, the good luck pushed into your path.

Someone was kissing you.

With a grunt of surprise, you kissed them back, meeting their feverish pace and trying to keep up, soft lips puckering and pushing against your own with intent. Kissing felt good. You liked kissing.

Then a hand was cupping your face, stroking tenderly over your cheek before it began sliding down, down your neck, into the valley between your breasts, trailing over your bra. It felt funny.

Pushing back for air, you gasped when the hand on your chest started squeezing at you, eyes flying open with the startling, sudden sensation.

Shouto was hovering over you, lips puffy, panting as he stared at you with lusty eyes, an uncharacteristic look on his face. This... this wasn’t supposed to be like this. You knew. Hadn’t the two of you just talked about something... important? Was it important?

You didn’t feel panic until a hand cupped your sex, feeling your skin through your panties.

This wasn’t right.

Alarm bells were ringing, dull and far away, but you didn’t think that Shouto should be touching you in such a way. you should be going to bed.

“Mm, Sho, can you stop?” But your words felt funny on your tongue, and Shouto didn’t stop. Maybe he didn’t hear you.

His hair tickled your chin as the man bent to mouth at your tits, pulling the cups of your bra underneath them so he could feel your hot skin, let his saliva drag slick and wet against your chest. 

Your hands instinctively rooted themselves in his hair as you gasped again, not expecting such a move, tugging lightly at his head to pull him up. Shouto just groaned, teething gently at your breasts and not moving an inch. His hips were grinding against the bed though, as he stood between your spread legs.

Before you knew it, your panties were gone, bra clumsily unclasped and discarded, and you were completely bare. Shouto was undressing before you, struggling with the buttons on his shirt before giving up, easily ripping the fabric of his body with one tug, grumbling.

You didn’t feel so tipsy anymore.

“Shouto, what’re we doing? We shouldn’t be doing this, we need to stop-”

“Stay down.” Was his firm command, a hand splayed across your naked chest and pushing you back into the mattress as you tried to sit up. It made you breathless, the growl in his voice, the dominance emanating from the man. You stayed still.

“This’s gonna make us a stronger couple.” The man slurred, eyes dark and hands wandering, effortlessly keeping you pinned against the bed as he ground his hips forward against the edge. You were getting scared.

“Wait-”

You fell silent as one hand pushed down his pants, his underwear going with them, pink cock bobbing free. He was so pretty down there, and it made sense, all of him was pretty, but you suddenly realized the weight of the situation, what was happening.

“Shouto, no, oh my god. We gotta stop right now, we’re drunk, we’re-we’re-”

“Don’t care. Not gonna let you hide away from me this time.” Shouto shook his head, taking his cock in one hand and giving it a long, slow pump, flushed tip weeping precum and wetting his hand.

“No, no, this is wrong. I don’t want this, I could get pregnant!” You cried, beginning to panic for real, pushing against the one strong hand anchoring you to the bed.

Shouto just chuckled, letting go of his cock to crowd against you, getting up in your face to press a wet finger to your lips, the salty taste of his precum threatening to slip into your mouth unless you kept it shut. “Shhh, shh. If you stay nice and still, if you do what I say, I’ll use a condom.”

You couldn’t believe your ears.

“You’re gonna listen to me, you always do.” The man nodded to himself, once again dragging his cock against the bed between your legs, as if he couldn’t stop himself. “Or else I’ll fuck you raw.” The finger was pulled from your lips, only to be wagged teasingly in your face. 

You couldn’t believe how he was acting.

“Be nice.”

Shouto tapped your nose with a neatly manicured finger, before groaning as he heaved himself upright, red cock bobbing against his stomach, desperate for attention. The man gave you a look, as if to say “don’t move” before he took his hands off you, heading for his dresser.

Once you saw him pulling out a strip of condoms, you were on your feet, stumbling toward the door.

Although panic had sobered you somewhat, you were still struggling with the effects of the alcohol, so your reaction time was maddeningly slow. Slow enough that you weren’t able to truly fight against Shouto when he grabbed you from behind toned arms wrapping around your middle and heaving you into the air, only to throw you back on his bed.

You were almost sick on the bedspread, world spinning and stomach protesting, but you were able to calm yourself.

But then Shouto was on you, flipping you onto your back, a soft hand pressing against your throat threateningly. 

“You want to have a baby? Want me to cum in you so you’ll get all fat with kids? Hm?” He was so intense, almost choking you, straddling your waist and keeping you pinned. It was too much

You were able to manage a tearful, desperate “No!” despite the hand around your throat, and Shouto backed off, releasing the pressure to instead stroke his hand against the sides of your neck.

“Stop acting like this, it’s the next logical step for us. You said you cared for me, wanna make me happy. This’ll make me happy. I won’t be like the last guy.”

His cock was pressed against your stomach, and you could feel it twitching. Shouto clambered off of you, letting go of your neck so he could grab the condoms he’d tossed on the bed before snatching you up.

“Do what I say and I use these.” He waved them in your face before tearing one off, beginning to open it. 

You stayed still, gazing at him blearily, limbs feeling fuzzy, mind feeling the same.

The condom was rolled onto Shouto’s cock, the man spitting into his palm and giving the latex a few rubs to make it slick before reaching for you.

He dragged you to the edge of the bed - the perfect height for him to fuck you - and you didn’t fight, terrified of his threat. You couldn’t stand the thought of a baby.

(You didn’t know, but neither could he)

“Wanted to do this since I met you.” Shouto mumbled, pushing your panties to the side with a few fingers so he could guide his tip to your hole. “Want you so bad.”

You didn’t know what to think of this side of Shouto. This unreserved, uncareful, slurring mess of a man that loomed before you, gaze dark and wild, limbs everywhere as he groped and squeezed and appreciate the shape of your body.

But he must’ve gotten impatient, because then he was pushing inside.

It hurt, stinging pain rippling up your back and you keened, causing Shouto to pause. One of his hands darted down to wrap around your calf, hauling it up on the bed so he could lean forward and press it to you chest, sinking his cock a few inches deeper.

“You’re gonna take it.” He hissed before messily kissing you, pressed so close together that it was hard to breathe. “I’ll make it feel good after you do.”

[musicfeedsmysoul12]

fic title: the girl with flowers in her bones

Izumi learns she has a Quirk age six when the weird bump on her shoulder is inspected by a doctor who cuts it open to reveal a pretty flower.

Said flower quickly changed and becomes deadly, nearly killing a nurse before it’s destroyed.

No one knows how it got there but now people know about it. At first Izumi is happy. She has a Quirk.

Then she isn’t.

“It’s a useless Quirk!” Kacchan taunts her. “Perfect for a useless girl like you! Flowers under the skin! Pathetic!”

Kacchan burns her shoulder and she goes home crying.

Later a flower develops where she’s been burned and after some quiet conversation with Inko about how her husband had left because of Izumi’s Quirkless status and Izumi had heard it, they figured it out.

The flowers bloom when someone hurts her. They bloom and the doctors do a scan revealing many more flowers all over her- some were small and no one could see them. Little hurts the doctors theorized.

They still had to be removed. Izumi has been getting slower, becoming more exhausted each day. It’s the flowers.

Izumi numbly lets it happen.

But it happens again. And again.

Flowers bloom because people keep hurting her. They turn deadly when exposed to the air.

“Freak, monster, liar-“ it’s all shouted at her by her class. Kacchan leads the charge.

His flowers are always an orange lily. Hatred.

Izumi wonders if it means him or her who hates the other. When it becomes a sweet pea, she has a feeling she knows why she is receiving a goodbye.

She stops growing flowers for him. Because she knows she will only get pain from him, because he is no longer one she believes to be a friend.

“The flowers are signs of betrayal,” she changes the classification. “I can only be hurt by those I do not think would hurt me, those I trust. Once I stop trusting or believing they will not hurt me the flowers stop.”

Her mother sobs upon hearing it. Inko then goes and terrifies the Bakugou family, promising that unless Kacchan leaves her alone Inko would go after them.

Kacchan doesn’t listen.

So Inko slaps them with a lawsuit she wins. It’s enough for Izumi to go to a new school where she sits quietly and doesn’t talk.

There people whisper still but it’s sad whispers.

“Her Quirk hurts her.”

“No, it’s people hurting her which sets off her Quirk.”

“She’s so quiet.”

Izumi just works. The only one she trusts is her mother. Inko who tries so hard not to hurt her, who is honest and open. Who gives her books on flowers and smiles.

When Inko hurts Izumi she leaves violets and lavender. And they’re always small, so small. Small hurts, being too honest with her daughter.

Izumi loves her mother for it.

Izumi grows and soon she finds herself applying for UA. She wants to be a hero and her mother frets and admits she isn’t sure if Izumi can do but the two have researched and researched and well, they think they can figure a way out. Sports festival- she just needs to beat all the other students.

She thinks she can. The money they won from the lawsuit had helped Izumi not only get into a new school but also got her into a martial arts studio. Her mother insisted.

Probably was upset with how many flowers Izumi grew from cuts and burns and bruises. Those were the bigger ones, when they were left on purpose. They pushed against the skin, looked strange.

Funny, Izumi noticed that she didn’t gain flowers sparring.

“It’s probably based on intention. When you gain flowers from bruises or cuts and they’re from people doing it to hurt you and betray you, they come as flowers. But when it’s done as a fight or a spar it’s on purpose still but it’s not a betrayal of yourself.” Her Quirk therapist theorizes.

It makes sense.

Izumi goes to UA after failing the entrance exam and ends up in 1C where she finds herself meeting a boy who is like her. Sharp and broken and hurt.

Shinsou is a friend and she finds herself chuckling at his comments.

Their friendship only blooms truly though when she meets Kacchan again. He sees her and attacks, screaming. She fights back. Shinsou speaks and stops Kacchan and Izumi looks at him, seeing something similar back.

The situation ends with Izumi in the principal’s office telling her story. She looks him in the eyes tiredly.

Kacchan is removed from UA- apparently, the lawsuit hadn’t been included in his application.

“It was when he was ten!” His mother tries.

“It still happened and you lied,” Nezu tells her. Izumi isn’t supposed to be there but she went to the office to pick up some papers.

She thinks her homeroom teacher arranged it.

“The papers are supposed to show us if we need to watch out students for anything. You lied on the application.”

Izumi doesn’t know what to think as she slides away. She hasn’t seen Kacchan in years. Hasn’t spoken to him.

Yet he still tried to attack her. He hasn’t learned anything.

Izumi has left him behind. The pain he caused ended any relationship between them.

He is a child. He can learn, if he wishes.

She feels as if she is choking when she runs into someone.

“Ah,” the person says and she blinks at a girl with red and white hair. It’s long and in a braid as she stares at Izumi. There’s a burn scar on her face and as Izumi looks into her eyes she sees the same sort of pain Izumi has.

The girl nods and leaves and Izumi stares after her in confusion.

Then she has to head to class and Shinsou and it’s a mess.

A flower blooms under her cheek as she speaks and she wonders if it’s from the shock someone attacked her at UA or it’s because she always hoped Kacchan would change the longer she left him.

“It’s not the same.” She tells Shinsou. “I was in hell until I was ten and then just isolated after.”

“It’s close,” Shinsou tells her. He touches her cheek and she closes her eyes. “It’s growing?”

“Yeah. It used to be orange lilies. It might be the same now.”

It is. It’s removed by Recovery Girl and Izumi breathes and doesn’t try to think.

She doesn’t know what to think about anything.

She thinks in a way that expelling him was to much. She understands that they lied, that they removed the evidence of the trial. But did they truly know that it counted?

Kacchan is a child and needs to learn things.

At the same time, he tried to attack her.

Her mind feels muddled and confused and Shinsou tries to help but it’s different for him. His bullies were cruel and never stopped and yet he never expected it either to stop.

You can only be betrayed by a friend.

He tries but they fight and eventually he yells that she’s worthless if she wishes to let a boy who hurts her back into UA.

She flinches and he does too.

Shinsou reaches for her but she leaves, feeling sick.

Izumi wanders UA campus after that- a week after the Kacchan incident- a week after the USJ got invaded. With Kacchan in the office the class hadn’t gone to USJ, something all of them expresses relief about.

Izumi wanders and then runs into the red and white girl again. She’s training in the gym that all students are allowed to Izumi wandered to it out of habit. Usually she and Shinsou train- Shinsou finally accepting that he needs to train his body.

He’s not with her though, and she feels her shoulder ache.

Shinsou didn’t mean it, he was angry and didn’t understand. Izumi gets it.

But it still was a hurt.

“... are you okay?” The girl asks and Izumi blinks, realizing she’s been standing in the gym staring off into space.

“I’m fine.” She says. “I got into a fight with my friend.” The girl looks at her and Izumi sighs.

“My Quirk lets me know when I’ve been hurt,” Izumi explains. “The hurts become flowers under my skin. Ever hurt, physical, emotional, mental, minor or major.” Izumi sighs.

“... you were the one Bakugou attacked, the reason we did not go to the USJ.,” The girl says calmly.

“We were friends once. He hurt me badly, and we stopped. He tried again, my mom sued him and his family and they didn’t put the trial in his transcripts. So he’s been expelled and I just… I feel bad for him. He’s hurt me but I cared for him once and is it fair that he was a child when this happened and he’s still himself a child?” Izumi sighs. “Sorry. I-“

“I have similar feelings to my brother and mother.” The girl offers. Her face is slightly blank. She looks at Izumi, cocking her head slightly. “My father is not a nice man and he’s only stopped hurting us due to blackmail my eldest brother has given. I’m under the custody of my second eldest brother. My other siblings were deemed unsuited and my mother is in a mental health institute.”

“Oh!” Izumi blinks. “You didn’t-“

“You told me.” The girl shrugs. “I’m Todoroki Shouto.”

“Midoriya Izumi.”

It’s the start of something.

From the hurt Shinsou dealt jasmine is dug from Izumi’s skin and he apologizes over and over again. She tells him it’s not okay but she understands he didn’t truly mean it.

It makes her sad still.

She and Todoroki meet from time to time in the gym, speaking. Sometimes Shinsou joins them, sometimes not. He wishes to keep his Quirk private, wishing to get into the hero course like Izumi wishes.

Todoroki is kind, Izumi finds. She’s standoffish and blunt but she’s kind.

Her story is a sad one, told over gym meetings. Her father is Endeavour and he wished to overcome All Might. He had children to force it, and the abuse he placed his family through broke her mother.

Todoroki loves her mother. She loves her dearly but cannot face her.

“I used to blame myself, thinking it might be my fault she burned me. Natsuo, my brother, he got me into therapy and I’ve learned it wasn’t. I was a child, it was not on me. And yet my mother is ill.” Todoroki explains. “I care deeply for her but… I can’t face her right now. Because I have learned it is not my fault what she did and I have to adjust.”

Her brother, her eldest brother Touya, is a different story.

“He blamed me for the abuse. Said it was all my fault, hated the fact I was a girl too. Kept going on I was a screw-up, that I was disgusting. He’s in therapy to now but… I don’t talk to him. Ever if I can help it. Natsuo says he’s getting better but he won’t make me do anything. My sister keeps trying to get us to forgive our dad. We don’t want to.” Todoroki tells her. “It’s a mess.”

Todoroki doesn’t know what to do herself. Her brother was young when he became angry, and her mother ill. Neither were fully at fault, and yet she struggles.

It’s nice to talk to someone who understands.

Their friendship grows and Izumi wonders why it feels different then from her and Shinsou.

Yet as she watches Todoroki smile, she thinks she knows.

At the sports festival, Izumi and Shinsou manage to get to the tournament. They manage to claw their way to the semi-finals, determining who will go on to compete for first.

Shinsou insults her, curses her. And then he confesses.

Izumi keeps her mouth shut and shoved him out, even as she feels the flowers begin to bloom.

She does tell him she doesn’t feel the same.

“I know,” Shinsou tells her. “It’s Todoroki. You two smile all the time around each other, you laugh and have fun.” He shrugs sadly. “I just wanted to be honest.

Izumi accepts it, and later she finds the flowers to be yellow tulips.

One-sided love.

Yet first comes the finals, where Izumi screams at Todoroki to use her fire, even as the girl refuses to use it.

“I won’t use his power!” She yells.

“It’s not his! It’s yours!” Izumi cries back.

It’s chaos and destruction and in the end, Izumi has a silver medal.

And she has a smile she treasures.

It’s not love, not yet. But it has a chance to be.

A chance they cultivate, a chance they find becoming stronger and stronger as time goes on. As she and Shinsou enter the hero course, as she fights to protect a boy she barely knows on the streets of Hosu, protecting her hero mentor as well.

It’s a chance she takes, kissing Todoroki after the final exams. Todoroki accidentally burns her in shock and feels horrible.

Izumi treasures the fact a red rose blooms under her skin.

[troquantary]

Edward Cullen: That Boy Ain’t Right

So I was doing a reread of @therealvinelle 's collection of Twilight metas, as one does, and in "Edward, Denial, and a Human Girlfriend" she mentions that she doesn't believe Edward is sane. I thought, "ha, yeah, he's definitely not," and also, "but wait, what does that mean exactly, please say more about that." But since she's already inundated with asks, I've decided to use my own head-muscle and explore this idea. (TL;DR: I start out more or less organized, synthesize some points Vinelle has made across several posts (and have hopefully linked to them all where relevant but please tell me if not), touch a little on narcissism, then take a hard left into the negative effects of being a telepath.)

Just a couple things to note at the outset, though. Theses have been written already (probably) about Edward as an abuser. Edward being insane doesn't negate that at all; he's definitely an asshole and just...a disaster of a human being. (I find it more funny than anything, but YMMV.) I'm also going to try to avoid talking specifically about mental illness and how it relates (or doesn't relate) to abusive behavior -- that's territory I'm not really equipped to discuss, like at all. My starting point is "Edward has a deeply warped perception of reality," not "Edward has X disorder."

So: deeply warped perception of reality. The evidence? Goes behind a cut, because my one character trait is Verbose.

Vinelle provides a great example of it in the post linked above, which I'll just quote because she does words good: "[Edward] keeps acting like his romance with Bella is a romantic tragedy, and all the cast of Twilight are actors on a stage making it as sublime as possible." Edward's the one to pursue Bella, but he does so with the full belief, from the very beginning, that it will never last; Bella will "outgrow" him, go on her human way, and he can spend the rest of eternity brooding magnificently over his too-short romantic bliss. [Insert premature ejaculation joke.] Turning her is never an option, even though Alice, Noted Psychic, says that romancing Bella will either end with her dead (exsanguinated) or dead (vampire).

This framing, where he's a dark anti-hero in love with -- but never tainting! -- the pure maiden and eventually leaving her in a grand, tragic sacrifice to preserve her soul? It's fucking bonkers. Bella isn't a person to him in this scenario. As Vinelle points out, Bella's never really a person to him at all; he falls in love with his own mental construct, cherry-picking from what he observes of her behavior and her responses to his 20 (thousand) Questions to convince himself that she is the ideal woman.

Bella's not the only one who gets the projection/cardboard-cutout treatment. Edward sees everything and everyone through a highly particular, personalized lens. He filters his entire reality, which we all do to an extent, but the thing with Edward is that he starts with his conclusions and then only pays attention to the evidence that supports those conclusions. Often that evidence consists of what he admits in New Moon are only "surface" thoughts -- but recognizing that limitation doesn't keep him from taking those thoughts as representative of what people are. Edward then becomes absolutely convinced by his own "reasoning" and won't be swayed from what he has decided is Objectively True. It's obvious with Bella; it's also painfully obvious with Rosalie. (Vinelle explains this and brings up Edward's raging Madonna/Whore complex in the same post, so refer to that again -- she's right.)

He also catastrophizes. Everything. Bella's just vibing in her room, rereading Wuthering Heights for the 87th time? She's gonna be hit by a meteor, better sneak into her room while she sleeps. Bella's going to the beach with the filthy mundanes their human classmates? She's gonna fall in the ocean. Jasper's cannibal pals are stopping by for a visit, but know not to hunt in the area? DISASTER, DEFCON 1, ALSO FUCK YOU JASPER FOR EVEN EXISTING IN MY AND BELLA'S SPHERE YOU UNSPEAKABLE BURDEN. Edward must believe that Bella is vulnerable and in near-constant peril, to support the reality he has created in which he is the villain turned protector and maybe?? hero??? (!!!) for his beloved. So when the actual, James-shaped danger arrives, he goes berserk, snarling and flipping his shit and generally not helping the situation. His fantasy demands that Bella remain human, so instead of doing the very thing Alice, Noted Psychic, assures him will neutralize the threat (and not just a threat to Bella, either, but to Bella's family and any other human James might decide to include in the "game"), he vetoes it immediately, no discussion. Bella Must Not Turn, and he sticks to those guns despite James nearly reducing her to ground beef, despite leaving Bella catatonic with depression (but human! success!) in New Moon, despite Aro's order and his family's vote and, let's not forget, Bella's clearly and repeatedly stated desire to be a vampire. It's going to happen. But he doesn't accept it until Renesmee busts out of Bella like the Kool-Aid man and the poor girl's heart finally, unequivocally stops.

Sane people don't behave this way. I don't want to slap labels on Edward, but I can't help but note that he comes across as highly narcissistic. He's the only real person in his universe, the lone player among us NPCs. That probably has a lot to do with him being frozen in the mindset and maturity of a seventeen-year-old boy, but I think it's also just...him, on some fundamental level. His failure to connect with others and recognize them as full, independent beings with their own wants and priorities isn't like Bella's failure -- she's badly depressed. Edward is...something else, and I get the sense that his sanity has been steadily deteriorating over time. And a cursory google of narcissistic traits turns up some familiar-looking stuff. He's self-loathing, yes, but also grandiose; he hates himself for the monster he is (and hates most vampires besides Esme and Carlisle for their monstrosity, too) but still feels superior to humans, to the extent that he felt entitled to human blood and resented Carlisle for depriving him of his "proper" diet. He eventually returns to Carlisle, but he's far from content -- the beginning of Midnight Sun finds him in a state of ennui, bored and dismissive of (if not outright disgusted by) everyone around him, that has apparently persisted for years and years. He doesn't play the piano, he doesn't compose, he doesn't enjoy anything...at least until Bella comes along and then he becomes obsessed to a disturbing degree with her and his new, romantic tragedy spin on reality.

[Next-day edit: I’m not sure where else to fit this in, but the way Edward casually contemplates violence against people who have, at best, mildly annoyed him is...chilling. I have a hard time writing off his strategizing how to murder the entire Biology class as a result of bloodlust -- it’s so calculated, nothing like the blackout state of thirst Emmett describes when he encountered his own “singer,” and that is probably the default for when a vampire is extremely thirsty. But even ignoring the Biology class incident, Edward still does things like consider, with disturbing frequency, how he might grievously injure or kill Mike Newton, all because...Edward considers him his romantic rival (despite Bella barely giving the kid the time of day). He thinks about slapping Mike through a wall, which might be an amusing slapstick image, except as a vampire Edward’s actually capable of turning this boy’s skeleton to a fine powder. So it’s, y’know, kind of sick when you think about it.

But even worse than that, when Bella tells Edward about how she flirted with Jacob to get at that sweet, sweet vampire lore, Edward chuckles and then, after dropping Bella home, flippantly observes that now that the treaty’s broken, why not genocide? I’m not even kidding, it’s right there in Midnight Sun; he seriously thinks about the fact that he’d be technically justified now in wiping out the entire tribe because a teenager tried to impress a girl with a spooky story. That is fucked. Remember, Edward was there with Carlisle when the treaty was first established. He knows how remarkable it is that they even came to a truce in the first place, that it was only ever possible because Carlisle is...well, Carlisle, and that it marks a pretty significant moment in supernatural history. He doesn’t care; he doesn’t respect it, or he’d never think something like “Ha ha, if I went and killed them all, I wouldn’t even be wrong. I mean, I won’t do it, but I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be wrong.”

Again: not the thought process or behavior of a sane person. (Or a person that respects life in general -- sorry Carlisle, big L.)]

Finally, whether he's a narcissist or not, I think the fact that Edward has constant, unavoidable access to everyone's thoughts is a powerful contributing factor to his instability. He can tune out the mental noise to an extent, but he can't stop it -- so he comes to rely on it like another sense. This causes issues with disconnect and lack of empathy, of course, but there's another facet to this shit diamond: he's basically experiencing a ceaseless flow of intrusive thoughts. His narration in Midnight Sun suggests that he "hears" the words people think, can "see" what they visualize in their mind's eye, and can sense the emotional "tone" and intensity of their thoughts. Therefore, perceiving Jasper's thirst through his thoughts makes Edward more aware of his own, "doubling" the discomfort. This would be a lot to deal with even from just his immediate coven members, but Edward gets all of this pouring into his head like a firehose on a day-to-day basis because the Cullens live right alongside humans. I know Meyerpires have galaxy brains or whatever, but that's a ton to process.

Besides the compounding effect on his own thirst when he "feels" the thirst of others, Meyer never suggests that Edward has difficulty separating his own thoughts from other people's; even when he was newly turned, he recognized Carlisle's "voice" in his head as Carlisle's. That would create a whole different host of issues around identity, but it looks like Edward's escaped that particular torment. However, I can easily imagine that what he does experience is just shy of unbearable nonetheless, with an eroding effect on his sanity over decades. He can't sleep to escape it; he's on a dishwater diet and probably (like the rest of his family) experiencing a perpetual, low-grade physical discomfort due to his thirst never being fully satisfied; and he's around far more people than is the norm for vampires -- even discounting all the humans, his own coven is unusually large -- meaning more noise.

Honestly, it would be weirder if he were all there, considering.

And even though I feel like I lost a sense of structure around where I started ranting about telepathy, I've written like 1.5k words about Edward fucking Cullen and I think that's enough for one post.

[steriskks]

Hey I just recently found your Dragonets of Despair au and it’s really cool! I have a few questions to ask if you wouldn’t mind answering. The first two are a little more spoilery so feel free to skip those.

1. Do any of the dragonets other than Tsunami get redeemed? I’m guessing Clay probably will since he seems to be the least bad of them and understand their faults. But what about Starflight, Sunny and Glory/Flare?

2. For Queen Scarlets champion is it the same dragon as the animus that helped her create it? If so that means her champion is an animus and since Stonemover and I’m pretty sure Turtle are rule out, that only leaves Darkstalker and Jerboa III as living animuses. Is it one of them?

3. Finally the Sandwing sisters. Are they any different at all or are they the same in this au?

Thanks!

First of all, I'm super surprised people are still finding out about my AU (considering it was made about a year ago?) !! I'm really happy you liked it!

1. Tsunami and Clay definitely get redeemed so ill get that out of the way. Glory/Flare is a character i love to explore in my mind and I like to think she has an arc where she accepts her true self but still has some trouble grappling with it at the end. Something major like lying to yourself for the first years of your life don't go away in a matter of weeks/months. I've thought about her meeting Peril and seeing how she's an outcast from the Sky Kingdom despite Peril being a skywing and all. And Glory getting so confused by how Peril is so optimistic even though her own (superior) tribe abandoned her. Also the juxtaposition of cheery Peril + cynical yet smug Glory haha. I think it would be really funny

Honestly Starflight gets the short end of the stick here. I really think he dies or suffers a tragic end. He's really creepy even though he's instrumental in being the voice of reason (he can literally see the future so he keeps them out of trouble half the time). I also dont like how he fell for Sunny (his adoptive sister) in the original haha. Sunny will not get with him not matter what, although that doesn't stop her from using him to get what she wants.

As for Sunny I see her realising how horrible shes been to Starflight and confessing all her lies to Starflight right as the volcano blows up. Like "I'm sorry i did this and i need to tell you the truth so i can stop leading you on" yeah Starflight gets super pissed and fights her after that lol. Does that count as a redemption arc? For sunny at least

2. I kept this a secret for so long but tbh no one can really guess it. It's Orca. But she shows up as a fake SkyWing champion at first, as a dragon named Spinel. I gave her a whole arc and everything. Basically she got found out as an animus pretty early on by Coral and she was used as a negotiating tool in the SandWing war. She grew tired and defected to the Sky Kingdom, where she believes she's more free there than in the Sea Kingdom. Although tsunami does tell her Orca's not as free as she thinks she is, Orca still says that as long as you're an animus, you will always be working for somebody's benefit in some way no matter what. Kind of a sad situation but hey

Looking back at this it was kinda dumb but i had a lot of fun writing it 💀

3. I have honestly not touched them because i love them the way they are.

Sorry if the answers weren't what you were expecting. I wrote a lot of the initial story in a google doc and i returned to it while answering this ask. I forgot how fun that was, might draw them again someday. Thanks for asking!