#the illness is making you lose weight?? like idk i cant even find the right words this all sounds so weird

[barefoothighlander]

HELLO i have a request so ill try my best to explain it okay uhm, so could you do threesome like ghost x reader x könig ? IDK ABOUT THE PLOT BUT LIKE first they dont give in because of the age gap cuz they think y/n is too young or whatever but them they get put in a same room for a night since they had to stop for some serious reasons LIKE IDK YOU TIDY UP ALL THIS MESS BUT PLEASE LIKE THE READER HAS CHOKING KINK AND DEGRADING KINK YOU MAKE THE REST THANK YOU SO MUCH IF YOU DO THIS BECAUSE LIKE I RLLY CANT FIND ANYTHING WHERE READER GETS SANDWITCHED BETWEEN TWO MASSIVE MEN 😭😭 i beg 🙏🙏🙏🙏

I will take every given chance to thirst over these massive men, won't lie I got carried away with this so... enjoy

warnings: mdni (18+), smut, unprotected pinv, threesome, age gap, degradation, some praise, choking, fingering, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, mention of alcohol, blowjob, blindfold, oral (fem rec), creampie

You'd been in the safehouse with Konig and Ghost for two days already, two days of waiting in silence for someone to come and rescue you. The two men gave little in means of conversation, sitting quietly in their posts, keeping watch, occasionally glancing over to you.

You grew tired of the quiet within the first night, attempting a few times to spark conversations, the men would give simple responses in the form of hums or nods, not affording you full sentences. They had been awkward around you for a few weeks, the treatment starting after a drunken night at Soaps house, a few rounds of 'never have I ever' and too many rounds of shots.

"Right but if ye were to have a threesome, who'd you pick?" Soaps question makes your eyes widen, your cheeks blushing as you realize you don't even need time to think of your response.

"Ghost and Konig" Your response caused a thick tension to fill the air, you purposefully avoid the gaze of the two men as Soap's eyes lit up.

"I dinnae if you could handle both of them, lass, I mean, they're... large" Soap chooses his words carefully, eyes glancing around the room as the two men remain like statues, your heartbeat racing in your ears.

"Next question" Ghost's voice breaks the tension, you turn your attention back to your drink, heat flushing your skin.

You didn't realize how much your drunken words would affect the men but now, two weeks later and stuck in a safe house with them it showed, barely a word muttered between them.

"What's wrong with you two?" You ask in a fit of either confidence or annoyance,

"What do you mean?" Ghost turns to you

"One day were all chatting and having fun, and the next you two avoid me like the plague"

The men share a look, you throw your arms up in question,

"We aren't avoiding you" Konig shrugs

"I don't know how long we're stuck here and if neither of you will talk I'm going to lose my mind"

"Stop being a brat" Ghosts words make you tense

"Then tell me why you won't talk to me"

"Because you're just a kid," Ghost says, his voice low

"I'm younger than you, that's why you won't talk to me" You scrunch your face

"It's more that you want to fuck us" Ghost states plainly, your body freezes, your eyes widening at his words, you turn to Konig who's just as frozen as you, Ghost rests his weight on one leg, his thumb through the loop of his belt as he stares at you.

"I don't" You stammer

"What about the game the other night?" Konig adds

"Just a game"

"You're a terrible liar kid," Ghost says

"Stop calling me that" Your hands begin to fidget, unsure of what to do under the pressure of their eyes

"What would you rather us call you?"

"My name" Your eyes are glued to the floor, unable to look at them, Ghost moves toward you, his boots heavy against the floor. His hand moves to rest on your chin, tilting your head to face him,

"You sure there's not anything else you wanna be called?"

"Ghost.." Konig warns, "We can't"

"M'not sure about that, it's just us here anyway"

Your skin burns under his stare, his hand moves from your jaw back to rest on his vest, his shoulders broad, his stance purposefully intimidating you.

"Kneel"

Your breath is rapid, you keep your eyes locked on his as you drop to your knees, your neck craned to look at him,

"Ghost" Konig glances between your bodies, his tone stern, a final warning to his teammate

"Do you want this?" He softens his gaze for a moment, giving you an out, you're tiny under his hulking frame, cheeks red as your heart races, you glance between the masked man, focusing your gaze back on his skull mask.

"Please" It comes out as a whimper

"Please what?"

You huff a breath, "Please fuck me"

"Tell him" Ghost turns towards Konig, you follow his gaze, pleading eyes landing on his hood,

"Please, I need you, need you both"

"Oh kleine maus" He releases a deep breath, moving toward you, he stands behind you, you're trapped between the men with no escape, head level with their groins as your mind flurries.

"You gonna be good for us?"

You nod your head

"You gonna take what we give you?" Ghosts hands rest on his belt

"Yes" You can feel your arousal pooling, you slick drenching your panties as you sit, Ghost palms himself over his pants the tent in his pants more visible by the second.

You wriggle your hips, trying to gain some friction on your sex but Konigs hands are quick to settle on your shoulders, keeping you still,

"Careful, you take what we give you, nothing more" His voice echoes through your ears from above, you look up at the men, trying to gage what they were thinking but their masks reveal nothing, you furrow your brows in a silent plea, the sound of Ghosts belt music to your ears.

"You stay focused on me, eyes ahead" Ghost orders, you nod, doe eyes staring at him as you feel Konig kneel behind you, his hands roaming your frame.

Ghost unzips his pants letting his cock spring free, you wet your lips at the sight, a sudden nervousness taking over your body as you realize how big he is. He takes his cock in his hand, pumping it a few times,

"Don't worry, you can take it"

He teases his leaking tip against your lips, smearing his slick against the skin as you part them, flattening your tongue, he runs his tip over the muscle, gathering your saliva on it before pushing in an inch. You hum around him, the taste of his pre cum salty on your tongue.

Konig's hands move to roam under your shirt, bunching the fabric above your breasts before urging your arms up so he can lift it, his hands moving to paw at your breasts. The contact forces a moan from your throat, the vibration making Ghost let out a small grunt as he pushes deeper into your mouth.

Ghosts hand cups your jaw, pulling your gaze up to him, you stare at him through your lashes, he squeezes your jaw lightly asking permission, you nod slightly and blink your eyes at him. You brace your hands against his thighs as his fingers pull your hair back, he thrusts into your mouth slowly, allowing you time to breathe before he pulls out all the way, forcing his cock into the back of your throat, forcing you to gag around him.

You breathe through your nose as his tip brushes against your throat over and over, the saliva from your mouth polling around the base of his cock, dripping down to his balls.

Konig's hands roam further down your frame, his fingers slipping past the band of your pants to cup your sex, the contact making you moan around Ghost's length.

"Scheiße so wet already, kleine schlampe" His fingers tease over your clothed pussy, you move your hips to grind down on his fingers and he pinches your clit, forcing a muffled yelp from you.

"Needy slut" He breathes in your ear, his words going straight to your core, tears prick your eyes as Ghosts thrusts deep into your mouth, pulling his cock out as your head falls forward, gasping for air,

"Please, touch me" You pant,

"S'that what you want you fucking slag, need Konig's fingers to stretch you out while I fuck your throat?"

"Yes, God please" You beg, your chest heavy

"Earn it" Ghosts hand moves his cock back to your lips, your reach to grip his length, your saliva working to help you glide your digits up and down his cock, taking him into your mouth as Konig's hand dips below your panties, you clench your eyes shut as he pushes his fingers into you, his thumb settling against your clit as the digits pump into your weeping cunt.

"Eyes up here" Ghost's hand grabs your cheek, forcing you to look at him, your work his length, flattening your tongue to allow him deeper into your throat, gagging around his cock as Konig's fingers curve to swipe against your sweet spot.

You moan around Ghost's cock, his grip on your hair growing tighter as your hand pumps him, you keep your eyes locked on his as Jonig's fingers stretch you out, his thumb circling your clit making you clench down on him, his chest is pressed to your back keeping you still, you're trapped between the men.

Konig's free hand moves to pinch your hardened nipple, the sensation bringing you closer to the edge, Ghost can feel your movements become sloppy, his hand moving to grab atop yours, guiding it over his cock,

"You wanted it, now take it," He says through gritted teeth, he buries his cock in your throat and you arch against Konig, the hand on Ghost's thigh digging into the muscle as you reach your peak, whining and moaning around Ghosts cock,

"That's it, filthy girl" Konig coos in your ear, his fingers fuck you through your high as Ghost holds your jaw steady, his balls tighten as his head falls forward, strings of curses and grunts coming from him as he spills into your mouth, his seed dripping down your throat.

Your tears stain your cheeks as you swallow around him, gasping for a breath as he pulls out, a string of saliva dripping from his tip as you fall forward. Konig pulls his hands from you, his hands settling on your hips, helping you up, he holds you against his form and you feel his hard-on press against your back, the sensation making a shiver run up your spine.

He guides you toward the bed that sits in the corner of the room, helping you to sit on the edge before moving his hands from you.

“Close your eyes kleine maus”

You do as he says, fluttering your kids shut till your sight is consumed by darkness, you follow the sound of the men, the noises of their buckles clattering and they drop their pants down. You hear footsteps near you, hands holding the sides of your face as a piece of fabric is placed over your eyes, and tied behind your head.

“For identity's sake,” You hear Ghost say, you can’t see him but you can smell him, gunpowder and tobacco invades your senses as he moves from you.

You feel the mattress dip below you, strong arms pulling you back against the bed as your limbs splay across the sheets, rough hands knead at your breasts causing soft meals to fall from your lips, another pair tugs at your pants, pulling them from your legs so you’re bare, the cool air of the room hitting your dripping pussy, goosebumps form on your skin.

You move your arms to feel the man behind you, trying to figure out which one it was before strong hands grab yours, pinning them down,

“No touching, not yet” The English accent rings in your ears, you sigh quietly as Konig’s hands roam your bare thighs, squeezing at the flesh, you feel his breathe ghost over your cunt, you try to squeeze your legs shut but he holds them open, pressing your lower half into the mattress.

Your head rests in Ghost's lap, one hand holding yours down while his other moves to settle at the base of your neck, his fingers on your pulse point.

“Open your mouth”

You do as he says, dropping your jaw as he leans over your form, spit dripping from his tongue past your lips, you swallow it with a hum.

“Such a good little whore” His fingers squeeze lightly at your neck, your back pulls away from the mattress, arching as Konig’s tongue flicks over your clit.

He laps at your cunt, flattening his tongue to lick a stripe between your folds before closing his lips around your bud, sucking at the nerves as your head pushes further into Ghost's lap.

Ghost releases you, letting your hands roam to grab at anything you can while his settles at your breasts, twisting and punching your nipples, Konig’s tongue flicks over your clit, circling and sucking at the bud while you writhe under him.

“You’re gonna cum once more, then we’re gonna ruin you like the little slut you are” Ghost emphasizes his words with a squeeze to your throat, strangled moans escaping your throat as Konig’s tongue laps at you, inching you toward release.

His hands pin your hips as you try to grind against him, needing more,

“Be good, needy thing” He chastises from below you, his fingers digging into your hips sure to leave bruises as he continues his assault.

“C’mon, be a good little whore and cum on his tongue” Ghost voices rings above you, his words shooting straight to your core, you strain under Konig’s grip, his tongue has you teetering on the edge, he teases his fingers around your entrance earning a wanton moan from you as he pushes in, the new sensation has your vision blinding behind the mask as your second orgasm rips through your body, your hips twitching against his lips while Ghosts hands roam your form.

He eases you through your high, letting you come down slowly before detaching himself,

“Scheiße, taste so sweet, if I knew you sounded like that we would've done this sooner”

Your breaths are heavy as you lay against Ghost, your legs falling against the bed as Konig stands, his hands reach for your waist, flipping you to your stomach with ease, you fall against Ghost as he shifts under you, his hands steadying you as Konig lifts your hips from the bed.

He slots himself behind you, his palms pressing against your ass, spreading it to get a better view, Ghost's hands move to gently remove the mask from your eyes, peeling the fabric from your face, his hand on your chin as he tilts your head,

"Need you to keep your eyes on me, gonna watch you fall apart" His voice is gruff, you wriggle your hips toward Konig in anticipation, his tip gliding between your folds, collecting your slick. Ghost holds your face up, forcing you to strain your neck, an arch forming in your back as Konig lines himself up, pressing his tip against your hole, you gasp at the feeling, now aware of how big he is.

"You can take it, I know you can"

You relax your shoulders, hands pressing into Ghost as Konig pushes in deeper, the stretch of his fingers nothing compared to the way his cock feels,

"So goddamn tight maus," He says through gritted teeth, you struggle to keep your eyes on Ghost, your jaw falling open as gasps and moans slip past your lips,

"S'alright, you'll warm her up for me" Ghost reaches for your hand, moving it to settle atop his growing erection, his hand keeping yours pressed against him.

Konig quickens his pace, your body shifting back and forth against Ghost as he drags his length across your soaked walls, your slick wetting his pubes every time he bottoms out, pressing against your cervix, you watch Ghost with hooded lids, his face remaining stoic as you palm his length.

Konig's grunts fill your ears, his fingers digging into your hips as he pounds into you, the sound of skin slapping echoing in the room,

"That's it, love, take it, just like the little slut you are"

You moan at his words and you can see Ghost smirk under his mask, he's watching you unravel under their touch, your legs getting wobbly as Konig stretches you around his massive cock, forcing you to take every inch.

Konig snaked an arm around your waist, lifting your hips up slightly, allowing his fingers to tease around your clit, you let out a gasp and clench down on his length, the rough pads of his fingers circling your bud, his hold the only thing keeping you upright.

You drop your head forward but you're caught by Ghost, his fingers firm around your throat as he pulls your gaze back to him,

"Eyes on me or you don't get to cum"

You let out a small whimper, your free hand digging into the flesh of his thigh as Knoig works you toward another orgasm, the heat in your stomach building to sear your skin, every nerve alive as he thrusts into you.

He works your clit at a vicious pace, your brain a ball of fuzz as it refuses to form words, resorting to strings of moans and whimpers, you stare at Ghost with pleading eyes, tears brimming in them,

"You wanna cum?" He squeezes your throat, his other hand pressing your digits against his now firm cock.

You nod against his grip,

"Use your words"

"Yes, please, need to cum"

"You wanna soak his cock, you fuckin slag, do it, cum for us"

Your orgasm rips through your body, your limbs going limp as Konig holds you up, fucking you through your high as you melt against Ghost, fingers clenching against his flesh.

"Such a tight little pussy, mein gott, gonna make me cum"

Konig buries himself inside you, his balls pressed against your core,

"Beg for it slut, beg for his cum"

You let out a deep moan as the sensation, you're stuffed to the brim, unable to move,

"Please, need your cum, please Konig"

He grips your flesh as his muscles tighten, spilling his load inside you, keeping it deep inside your walls as he gives shallow thrusts, forcing it deeper, his spend floods your walls, spilling out as he pulls from you.

He releases you, letting you fall forward as Ghost moves from his spot leaving you limp against the bed, Konigs hands press against your shoulders, pulling you to all fours while he sits in front of you, resting against his legs. His cock is sitting in front of your eyes, his softening length teasing at your lips, you flatten your tongue but he pulls back,

"Not yet maus, gonna fill you up, don't worry"

You whimper at his words, needing to taste him while Ghost slots himself behind you, your aching core clenching around nothing as his fingers tease your slit, gathering the mixture of spend and smearing it around your skin.

He gives you no time to adjust, bottoming out in a single thrust, Konigs hands keeping you upright as your pussy clenches around Ghost, your tears stain your cheeks and Konig swipes a thumb over the wet skin,

"You're doing so well darling" He purrs, words escape you, diluted to a babbling mess as Ghost pounds into you, Konig kneels forward, his palm stroking up his length as his cock swipes across your wet lips, drool pooling at the corners of your mouth.

Ghost presses a firm hand to your spine, your stomach pressing against the mattress, allowing him deeper while Konigs tip teases at your mouth, you part your lips for him, he smears your saliva around his tip, the taste of his spend lingering on his cock as you flatten your tongue, tasting him.

He pushes into your mouth, your body pinned between the two men as they fill you from both ends, Ghosts hands spread your ass as he lifts his mask above his nose, a string of spit dripping from his tongue to your hole, wetting the skin as he continues to fuck you at an unrelenting pace.

Your vision is blurry, your body weak as the men continue to wreck you, Konigs length pushing past your lips to drag along the inside of your mouth, you moan around his length, your hands digging into the sheets as you try to stay balanced.

"Is this what you wanted, needed to be filled by two cocks you little slut" Ghost emphasizes his words with harsh thrusts, the wet wounds of your hole filling the air as you gag around Konig, his balls slapping against your chi with every thrust.

Their hands keep you steady as your brain clouds with lust, all your senses invaded by the two men as they wreck your body, every part of you claimed by them.

"You wanna walk around with our cum in you? Dirty fucking girl"

The thought makes you hum around Konigs cock, your pussy clenching around Ghost,

"She likes that, you want us to mark you huh, ruin this little pussy"

You can't think to respond, simply resorting to clenching your eyes and arching your hips further toward Ghost, allowing him impossibly deep inside you.

Konig moves his hand to grab your hair, tugging your neck back to allow himself deeper, burying his cock in your throat as you gag around him before he pulls out a moment, allowing you to breathe.

"Please, need to feel you" You beg, your head turning towards the man behind you, Konigs hand moves to your throat, keeping you still in front of him as he thrusts back into your mouth. You're a mess of moans between the men, your hips twitching as Ghost's fingers connect with your swollen clit.

"One more, give me one more" He circles your bud, your cries muffled by Konig's length thrusting into your mouth as your orgasm builds quickly, you want to beg him to stop but you can't, your body moulding to the men as they bring you back to the edge.

The coil inside you threatens to snap as Ghost swipes your clit in time with his thrusts,

"Scheiße, look at me" Konig pants above you, you tilt your head to face him, your skin red, your lips puffy as you stare at him through your lashes. He stares at you with a piercing gaze and your orgasm erupts in your chest, clenching around Ghost while you moan around Konig, your body trembling under the men as your vision goes white, a dull ringing filling your ears.

"That's it, fuck" He buries himself in your throat, his seed filling your mouth as his hips twitch, you hum around his tip, your tongue lapping up every drop from his cock as he pulls out with a pop.

You take a deep breath, panting as Ghost pounds into you, your head falling forward as your arms give out, your drool pooling under your cheek as he presses you into the mattress.

"So fucking good" Ghost grunts, leaning over your frame as his tip prods at your cervix, he cums with a growl, his sounds buzzing above you while he fills you with his seed, your abused hole milking him. He keeps his softening cock inside for a moment, pulling it out and replacing it with his fingers, pushing the leaking spend back inside you, your hips flinch from the stimulation, your slick coating the insides of your thighs.

You fall forward, your body limp against the bed, the mattress dips under the weight of the men, Ghost lays back against the bed, his arms tugging you against him so your head can rest on his chest. Konig turns to grab a small cloth, easing himself down the bed to carefully wipe around your core, careful to avoid your swollen clit as he cleans you.

You catch your breath while Konig lays behind you, his arms snaking around your waist to hold you, your limbs are tangled between the two men while your heartbeat relaxes. His hands draw lazy patterns over your skin as your muscles ease, melting into the men,

"Did so well" Ghost places a soft kiss on the crown of your head, your cheeks pressed to the exposed skin of his upper chest, the warmth of the men comforting your sore body as the light of the sun peaks through the windows of the house.

"So good for us" Konigs hands trace over your skin, his chest flush with your back as he sandwiches you between him and Ghost, the thrum of their heartbeats filling your ears.

[kaleidosouls]

hi. (pulls out uke)

IM JOKING but i havent posted here in forever huh, are ppl still around? i guess ill comment on like, whats been going in in the time i havent posted

so a long time ago now i wanted to like, cut off from twitter, so i deleted the kaleidosouls twitter, and wanted to keep my art stuff just on insta mostly, trying to move since twitter is a sinking ship right. then my instagram got deleted for no reason (and so did my pinterest that was ful of refs and honestly that was more upseting than insta getting deletedand losing all my art following)

ive been mildly caught up in IRL/college stuff in the meantime,having da depression, and the exec dysfunction same as awlays like. not much has actually been happening but ive been going acutally all over the place trying to figure out what im gonna do with my internet social media stuff. im looking into internships (other field) and im like, i havent given up being an artist professionally exactly but i think im like fuck it. fuck this like, building my Internet career or whatever. like, im gona wokr on my art portfolio and try to find art job stuf thats not really about how popular my art is on twitter or smth. none of that shit rly matters anymoer. same w here, i probably wouldve delted this tumblr if it wasnt the main like, blog so all my other blogs dpened on this one right.

im not like, done posting art online but ive been changing how im going about it and i still havent found my like, place yet. i did remake instagram, a main one and one for creature/pokemon stuff. idk im figuring out my life but i guess the main point is that its all a mess, and its not a disaster like things are going bad or anythin just that ive been in this inertia of disorder for a long time. im getting old. really tired lately, barely draw that much

i still rly love and am holding onto my personal ideas/projects that i want to execute oveer time altho they cant be a priority rn becuase of stuff in life. i got a really bad attention span so ill probably like, work on smth a lot for a few ays and then pick it up again in a year or more. the SU stuff is one of those. i actually ammaking this post bc i got really fucking dickhead comments and i was thinking of going off but my social media paranoia PR brain is like weighting on how i cant do that bc itll make my brand look bad and immature, and its like exhausting to live like that yk. altho it Is wise to restrain myself from being mean dsgkj but i also think itd be funny to cuss ppl off so :( life is very hard as an adult!

anyway point is. thigns are a mess rn and they will continue to be for the time being. my accoutns got obliterated so if you wanna keep up with me maybe follow my instagram if you want, i keep forgetting tumblr exists so tahst why i post so little on here. i do like postingt here though, nad i like making little blogs. i like ppls tags on ym art and replies. even the pricky ones like, i get to engage my brain a litlte bit adn its like ppl are out there yk? seieng my stuff, rather than just like, a bunch of numbers of how many likes or reblogs smth has.

most of the stuff left on this blog is for SU reclaimed and i still rly like the idea and its good coping for me and i want to pick it up sometimes but idk what to do with it wrt how i wanna present the content. ive considerd many times making a separate tumblr for it and i am considering that Again but maybe i should just quit it and post it here and forget about that. and find a different way to present the totality of the contents of the AU and use this tumblr as a way to just post it like, a 'devblog' (i am not developing SHIT this is just conceptual design writing stuff)

if theres anyone still following thats like engaged/interested in SU reclaimed feel free to comment with your thoughts or suggestions,i guess i could make an instagram for it? but ehh... idt thats how i wanna like, execute it. welp. i guess if i do make smth ill post about it here,i guess the point is that maybe i can try to post on here moreoften, idk, like i want my instagrams to be more tidy and like, impersonal. i deleted twitter bc i dont want to engage that personalyl at ALL anymore as an artist w viewers. not to mention it sinking. but i guess tumblr Is the perfect place to keep that unprofessional, slightly casual blogging artist experience. maybe if i get to cuss ppl out :D but then i dont wanna get harassed later over it. hm.. sucks to exist online tbh

thank u if youve read this far. if youre a mutual (somehow) or a long time follower and wanna know how to better keep up w me since i know im disappearing a lot feel free to dm

[himejoshiba]

sorry ok i have another whiny baby rant incoming . ill hide it this time though to be polite🩷🩷🩷

im so mad!!!!!!!!!!! and feeling so sorry for myself. the only reason i even make so many posts like this on tumblr is because i have no real friends. like absolutely none i cant even stress how much so. and i dont even have “friends” on tumblr like ive never actually had a conversation with any of you. but anyways

ugh like. i feel so hopeless and lonely and unfixable right now. i have no friends and cant make any. my only friend is my mom who im bpd about but even she fucked everything up by having a special needs baby she regrets with somebody she should divorce and so now everything revolves around him. i dont even have friends so its not like i have any chance dating or even just hooking up. no gay events in my hometown so id have to go out of town (impossible) and even then theyre all shitty and like MAN focused like why are there so many gay male bars and no lesbian only bars. its such a fucking mans world everywhere i go. i feel so alone. i wish i could just fucking leave and start over as a new person but i cant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cant drive. cant even learn because 1. driving gives me unfathomable anxiety when i try and 2. nobody will teach me!!!!!! not even family. and i have no money to pay for lessons . i cant get a job either both because the job market is absolutely shit and also im still so incredibly mentally ill that i keep sabotaging the rare opportunities i get. im not even pretty im so fat and unfit and i cant seem to stick to a diet to lose weight like ive been stuck at 218-220 forever because i keep giving up and binging and skipping walks. i literally tried to sign up for onlyfans the other day and made a tiktok and insta to promote it but onlyfans keeps fucking rejecting my verification and idk why. but like i cant even do that right. im not even adept enough to sell nudes online for pocket change. wtf is wrong with me, why is love so hard to find and to keep, why cant i just kill myself!!!!!! im too scared of pain and commitment and what happens after death to even kill myself, plus i have so many shitty animals who hate me so i cant kill myself or id abandon them:(((( no hope! no hope! no hope!

[koishua]

hi vienna ,, tbh u dont need to read this bc idk if itd be triggering (body image issues) and id rather u not trouble urself bc of me but id like to vent somewhere and i dont have any1 to talk 2 so pls feel free to ignore .

ive always been overweight for my age but i never faced any bullying abt it other than some very occasion name calling of "fat" in elementary school and my family's disaproval for the way i look. as i grew up, i started to feel more comfortable around others despite not being satisfied with the way i look and i assumed that as kids mature they become more accepting, bc i had never been truly bullied b4 i just assumed it might be rare in communities such as where i lived compared to some of the horror stories i had heard. anyways all my life i had assumed people had been seeing me for more than what i looked like, i always tried to be kind and make a good impression on other but ig that's not true. as much as i love my circle of friends, im not sure i can see them same after what happened on friday. it isnt even their fault, i just feel very insecure now. but basically in 1 of my classes, we had a change in seating so i no longer sat near my friends but 2 acquantainces (they're rlly sweet girls but idk them too well) and this one guy that i also dont know very well other than that in 8th grade he had dated an old friend of mine for a little bit. but anywyas tbh i feel like im just being dramatic but i srsly can't get his conversation out of my mind . the boy was sat next to me and talking to his friend, their convo alr starting off on a wierd note abt kanye west. and the guy next to me (ill call him ray to make it easy) starts off by saying that kanye's note all that bad and has said some pretty true things. ray then goes on to say that fat people dont deserve to exist and body positivity is a completely stupid subject bc it only encourages obesity and unhealthy habits. all the while he's saying this, seated right next to me and im pretty sure he was glancing at me while saying it too . those 90 minutes were the most uncomfortable in my entire life. i was literally panicking while he was talking abt it and it's all that i can think of now. their conversation was truly disturbing to me and my confidence feels as if its completely tanked . his comments of "fat people are gross" and "being fat shouldnt be celebrated" keep ringing in my head everytime i go out or see myself in a mirror. i genuinely feel so broken and it hurts that theyve probably dont realize the effect of their words but also it hurts that that's all they can see me as. not another human being or a classmate but just "fat". idk where im going with this but i dont feel ok and i feel so exhausted now ,, just the thought of having to see ray's face again or hear his voice is scaring me . maybe im just overthinking but i cant help but wonder if my friends picture me the same way. am i even deserving of love if im so "ugly" . my friends sometimes comment that i look way older than my age or that i could pass for college aged and even comments like those are hard to brush off for me. sometimes i wonder if i should restrain my jokes and personality to stay kind bc that's all i am to them. just a source of comfort, and if i dont do that then i could be easily execused. im always scared of saying the wrong thing but now i keep wondering if it would never even matter bc all anyone will ever see me as is "fat" . it's not like i haven't tried to lose weight so i rlly hate everything that ray said and its srsly put me thru sm turmoil . anyways i shld keep this brief (sorry for the rant) and im sorry again for using ur inbox to rant , i rlly hope this doesn't cause you any pain or you find it triggering :( i apologize if it has caused you any concern or pain. i hope ur good and stay happy vie

tw: body image and weight talk

hello, dear :( let me start this off by saying that don't worry, i am perfectly alright and am glad that you feel it's safe enough to vent and write your feelings out in my inbox. you don't have to apologize for anything! i am the one who says that they're open if anyone needs to rant or vent. i would never judge. i had to read this a few times in order to collect my thoughts, so pardon me for delaying this a bit. i wasn't sure if you wanted my direct response, so i will just keep it short.

i won't say that i completely understand what you've been through and i can't speak on experiences i haven't personally lived through. however, as another human being, i will say this: you absolutely deserve to exist. i hope you never ever doubt that. i know how difficult it is to deal with comments about your appearance and it angers me so much that you're treated this way. i get how the side comments every now and then feels. bullying is horrible, but this is just as bad for someone's self esteem and health. im truly so sorry and wish i could do something for you, but i can't because of obvious reasons (that being me being just an online presence and not there with you).

i just want to reassure you that no matter what anyone says, you deserve love and life and goodness. a lot of people don't understand how difficult it is when you don't weigh below a certain number or how isolated that could make someone feel regardless if they're mentioned or not. everyone is so much more than just their appearance. idk how else i could help you other than to strongly remind you that you are you and that should be enough for your friends and that people should learn to keep their mouths shut on their opinions about other people's appearance. it doesn't matter if you lose the weight or if you tell them you struggle a lot with it. those people should reassess the way they're treating another human being with real feelings and thoughts. never lose who you are and trying to be what other people need and want you to be. it may end up making things worse, i know, and im not sure if you've ever told them directly that their words are extremely rude and hurtful and that they should stop, but someone (even if it's not you yourself) really, really should.

i pray that none of what i said has further upset you in any way. if so, i sincerely apologize :( i genuinely hope that this never happens to you again and that you'll have a greater year than ever and that you'll find wholehearted acceptance and love from those you are surrounded by and that you'll slowly but surely feel comfortable in your own skin. take care and you're loved! people like the ray you mentioned are not worth feeling bad over.

[deadrlngers]

people really say that us, as a society, don't have a problem with fatphobia and then some kind of influencer/singer will go on ig live and say "well at least cancer made me lose weight hehe". like what the fuck

[fairycosmos]

lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

list of hotlines

coping with depression

coping with suicidal thoughts

so you feel like shit?

template for creating a safety plan

[writings-of-a-hufflepuff]

Words

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Tony Stark x Overweight/Plus Size Reader (Gender Neutral)

Writer: @imaginesofeveryfandom aka @hufflepuffing-all-day-long

Warning: Eating disorders, fears, phobias, mental health issues

 Request: Requested by @lilacprincessofrecovery:  Hey girl i havent been around much lately ive been in the hospital some. i hate drs every time i go to the dr they trigger me and call me words that haunt me every night and im recovering from bulimia so hearing words are hard from drs. it makes me feel flawed. i cant know my weight or i obsess. sorry if i told you too much. i was wondering if i could have a chubby reader with tony and him finding about her fear of drs cuz of this reason or finding out about her bulimia or something? idk

Note: I get it. There a massive period of time where every time I went to the doctor’s I dreaded it because I knew they’d ask me to get on the scales, because they’d comment on whether I looked smaller or bigger. When I was made to go to a dietitian it was even worse, I knew every appointment meant I was weighed and measured height wise, i knew i’d be questioned on what i’d eaten. But no one ever asked about my mental health. It was always treated like I could simply lose weight and like that was the crux of all my problems. While i’ve never suffered from an eating disorder, the bad experiences with doctors are something I know all to well. Even now, despite my good stats, good bloods etc. there’s always that desire from every doctor to comment on my weight even if what i’m there talking about has nothing to do with my weight at all. I could have a chest infection and i’m sure it would be brought up, even now, even though i’m not at my biggest. It makes the doctor’s office feel like a hostile environment sometimes.

You’d been standing near the front door for a while now, minutes. Dressed ready to leave the house, to get to your doctor’s appointment early. But, you were struggling to bring yourself to leave today. It was fear, a roiling anxious, uncomfortable feeling in your chest, that made you want to avoid the cause. But, you also knew you needed to go for your health, being ill required help after all. It was hard though, you’d been recovering from your eating disorder, from your bulimia and every word about your body, about your weight, every time they made you get on a scale and be weighed, it all upset the process. It was hard. Doctors were obsessed with weight, every problem had to stem from your weight and it made it difficult to recover. 

You hear footsteps behind you, familiar footfalls. Before an arm wraps around your wide waist and a kiss is pressed to your soft cheek. “I thought you’d be sat waiting in the doctor’s office by now?”.

It’s Tony, sweet, sarcastic Tony. 

You take a deep breath and turn to face him. It’s clear he’s cottoned on to the down expression on your face, the sadness, the unease. His brow furrows and he catches one of your hands in his own. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m scared to go...” There’s a tremble in your voice, a wobble. You feel a little light crying, tears collecting at the back of your eyes. 

“Why? What happened?” He’s immediately on the defensive, like he needs to protect you from a threat that isn’t mental. 

“I...they always comment on my weight, and weigh me, and...and it makes me feel flawed and it...” 

“It brings up those old thoughts.” You’d told Tony about recovering from bulimia a while back and he’d been ever so careful, so thoughtful. He noted things that upset you and made it harder, he avoided them being done, stopped others doing them. He was always looking out for you. Those words made recovery harder, they reminded you of thoughts that told you that your body wasn’t good enough, thoughts you had been battling to get rid of. 

“Yeah...” It’s quiet, a little sound, as you look at your entwined hands. You wanted to keep recovering, wanted to get to a even better place in your life because that’s what everyone deserved, right? Happiness, comfort, a contentedness in their body. 

“I’ll come with you, maybe, it’s time to tell the doctor to stop.”

“I don’t want to be a bother or...they’re just doing their job...”

“And their job is hurting you. So, they need to know so they don’t keep hurting you.”

“Okay...thank you, for being there.”

“Anytime.” As fearful as you were about talking to the doctor with Tony, you knew that he meant it in the way he meant all things. To help. He would tell the doctor to stop talking about all the things that made recovery harder and hopefully things would get easier.

[pr0sciutt0]

just gonna answer some more anons about the plus size reader stuff below the cut so i don’t clog up the dashboards of all of u lovely followers and then regular service will resume!!!!

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Yay!! Im so excited! Thank you for being willing to write for poc! Readers and im excited to read the fic you linked! As a plus size girl myself, Whenever I read fics where the reader is I cant help but feel more confident about the parts of me Im self conscious about. Also im so glad you write with us in mind ❤️❤️ and Ive got even more admiration for your work! That anon must not realize most fics are small figure based 🙄 im sure they can get over it. They were being rude.

representation is important!!! i have life experience of writing for characters with dysphoria and chubby characters and lots of others so seeing them represented makes me feel happy, and i’m glad i can do something for other ppl too!! just pls remember that i am white and i may very well fuck up so pls do not be afraid to call me out!!! <3 

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Oh geez, there's plenty of reader fics I don't read because they don't apply to me (like of a specific gender or sexuality) but I just skip them and move on. There's still plenty of stuff out there! I also don't like going into detail about Reader's physical appearance, unless, like you said it's specifically asked for.

bird meme “i am uncomfortable when we are not about me???”. i like to write vague stuff so as many people can connect to it as possible! that’s why if i get an ask that’s very obviously for someone’s o/c or whatever i prefer not to answer it bc i want my content to be enjoyable for lots of people!!!

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Ive read your terzetto fic about a million times and even though its about a chubby reader you still dont describe the body THAT much like???? Anon just say you're fatphobic and move on

and its like. specifically THAT chapter. the body praise self-conscious chapter. i havent reviewed the others in a while so there might be more bigger readers but like, not all of them?! i try not to over-describe even for plus size reader’s bodies bc people carry their weights and stuff so differently! haz and i wear the same size in clothes but we carry our weight differently in different places so we look different!! i want people to Relate!!

jojotrashcan said to pr0sciutt0:Nat!! I just want to thank you for including a chubby reader in your works! As a certified fat gal (tm) it’s hard to identify with works of fiction, and it’s nice finally having something that reflects my body type! So just like a huge thank you from me! You know this already but I love and appreciate all you do for this community, and it always disappoints me to see someone send hate to some one who works so hard for us! Keep your chin up b/c I appreciate seeing diverse fiction!

i love u!!!! idk if i’ve mentioned before but what i want to do when i eventually Get Better At Not Letting My Mental Illness is work in a publishing house, specifically a YA imprint bc i’d like to make a push for more diverse heroines in ya lit!!! (i also wanna WRITE diverse ya heroines but u feel me, one thing at a time)

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:So God forbid someone write for different body types and races I low key just glaze over some fics cause you can tell who it's for even just with little hints of the body or skin type. Can't a girl a plus size girl be loved too by her fictional favorites :(

no . . . fat people . . . MUST BE UNHAPPY. ONLY WAY. 

bubbleu said to pr0sciutt0:Let also include the fact that if in most even kdramas , anime, or any type of tv show or movie if it's a big girl she usually ends up having to lose weight for guys to even like her or even look her way so how dare people be inclusive in fics for fictional people you do you boo I'm happy you're writing for anyone literally fuck that puto

these people are not happy that i’m like a size 18 and my fictional boyfriends still love me. its SO RARE to find a fat gal character where her desire to lose weight isn’t a driving character force. and its always always always framed as a good thing. nobody addresses the original body dislike and just says “WOW IM SO GLAD YOURE NOT FAT ANYMORE” like that isnt gonna leave a lasting scar on the person’s psyche i just

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:F the hater, all my big ladies deserve to fantasize about their hot JoJo spouses too!

this is a BODY POSITIVE space. chubby gals and guys and nonbinary pals. skinny gals and guys and nonbinary pals! hyper femme, hyper masc, androgynous, ones with body hair or traditionally ugly features or visible disabilities or scarring or anything - ur jojo spouses love u

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Anon mad that fat people enjoy stuff smh

local anon unhappy that they have found one fic that is not about them

babyybitchhh said to pr0sciutt0:Anon is an entitled ass and I implore you not to let that message get to you. As you said, mentally replacing words to better match your own physical descriptors is super easy but considering that you’re writing these scenarios for free, no one has the right to complain anyway.Like, at the end of the day its still YOUR writing even if your fulfilling a request and the author will always have final say on the finished product. Consider only writing chubby/fat reader from now on tbh ; )

i am pretty much usually imagining a chubby reader or a reader who looks like me. thats why i do it!!!! i honestly just cant imagine going into another writer’s ask and being like “hey you have given me this piece of backstory about this fic you wrote and i HATE IT, IMMEDIATELY DENOUNCE IT???

[yaminerua]

Emeto warning

I’ve felt sick from this for a while but I didn’t think I was actually going to physically be. I’ve not eaten much. I haven’t been able to for quite a while now because I’ve felt just too off to and every time I’ve tried I’ve not managed much through feeling like I was going to be sick. and I’ve had very very little sleep in a long while but it’s especially worse lately with barely getting to sleep at all. and my chest has been aching constantly for so so long from all of this. Like a hammering, racing thud that won’t stop or even let up enough to let me rest. it feels like my ribcage itself is breaking From the constant pounding.

and i keep crying just... so so much until my throat is raw and my eyes burn and my head is well past ready to implode and it all just combined this morning and I was sick all over the floor. Mostly just water and stomach juices since there wasn’t really any food down there but my body kept retching anyway

felt like I was trying to force my heart up and out through my throat.

I didn’t think anything could ever floor me like this...

I don’t want them to know it’s made me this ill. It would do no good whatsoever. I don’t want them to feel guilty or worry because I know it’s not their fault their heart was able to move on instantly while mine remains stuck on them even all these months on. There may never have been a good time to tell me they were with someone new But I appreciate that they waited a while instead of dropping it on me right after they broke us up but.. man.. I don’t think any amount of time would’ve made it easy to stomach

I’m struggling so much trying to keep things together because they still want to be friends but that hurts so much. I’ve been trying to just accept it and heal but it’s not working. Just knowing them, every little thing they do and say, seeing their face, it will keep making me love them helplessly as it always has, even with knowing my time together with them is over. So I’m in for a painful time of endless yearning.

and im not a bitter person. If they’re going to be happy with this person I really do want them to be happy. They’re so wonderful and they deserve the world and more and if I can’t give them what they want and need anymore that’s just the harsh truth of life... I accept it reluctantly but it does little to stop my heart still feeling what it feels.

They deserve the best. I wanted so hard to be someone worthy of their love. I’d do everything to be right for them. I’m eternally thankful even for the small, blessed handful of years that they loved me at all.

But wanting someone you love to be happy and being absolutely destroyed at seeing them happy with someone new are things that can exist at the same time. And it’s like someone had stuck a fork in my chest and started mashing and twisting everything up.

i know how bad it looks to try to say that friendship after love feels as though it is too hard. I know it can come across in a toxic way like it’s making an ‘all or nothing‘ type ultimatum like ’you Have to be with me or you don’t get to know me at all’ but that’s not what I mean at all. That is cruel, especially when done intentionally in that manipulative manner. I don’t want to do that to them.

but the concept of going back to friends after something this deep and special and finding it impossibly hard to do and struggling is also not untrue... trying to still be in proximity to them as friends while I’m stuck agonisingly in love with them and keep helplessly falling over and over and its not even anything they’re doing in particular, it’s just them and I can’t help but love everything they are. I’m certain I’ll never fully get over them and I know everyone says that but this is different from anything I’ve had before. This really felt like it had a future and now it’s gone and I’ll never get them back and so many months later my heart is still sick and it is not doing me any good. But I don’t want to say some shit like ‘you’re not doing me any good’ or anything like that because that’s an awful thing to say.

i‘d said that I would need time to Try to heal time has passed and it’s not getting better and idk how long a wait is reasonable... especially when I know the moment I see or speak to them again any tiny scrap of progress I make will be blown away by that painful oncoming train of inescapable fondness And longing.

I care about them so much and I don’t want them to see me continue to suffer over a heart that can’t change and over something they themselves couldn’t help, but I also don’t want them to suffer or resent me if it really turns out I’m not strong enough of heart to be able to swallow the ache and bear it to stick around. I don’t want to be a burdensome weight on them. I don’t want them to be troubled looking at me and seeing someone who by still being around them just can’t even begin to move on. They Are just so loveable, how can I ever not feel helplessly in love with them.

but it really has been months and this isn’t getting better. The longer it goes the worse it gets and it’s not like I haven’t been trying to find ways to hurry up and heal so I can stop these feelings being a bother. This heart is just so stubborn... even before we were together I tried in vain for more than a year to shake off the ‘crush’. I couldn’t even manage that.

im not going to say I wish we never happened because god being with them was the happiest time of my life and I was so ready to work for a future by their side. But if I’d never been with them I’d never have known what I’d be missing and when they got someone to love I’d never be able to know the private things that would go on. I wouldn’t have vivid and sensory memories of those experiences to be haunted by. I’d never know what kissing them felt like or to be quite so wrecked knowing all the tender intimacies that will happen with someone else now, who will be much better at it than I ever was. But knowing them as personally as I was once permitted to, and knowing someone else will now get to do that, and maybe even more than I was able to, and to be better at it.. it settles deep in my bones, thick and tarry in my veins And I almost wish I could forget.

I cant compare to this person. he has me beat on every level. I’m sure they’ll both be happy and together a long time. They seem good for each other, I can’t deny that... And a good part of me wants them to be happy even if it has to be with someone who isn’t me anymore. But the heartbroken part of me that was never going to be ready to lose them wishes desperately that one day they’d come back and there’s just no point in hoping for something that’s surely impossible. What’s done is done.

but all of that and more cycles round and round in my head and my chest and churns until my body can’t take it and tries to eject it from my system as if it was as simple as puking out my feelings and being done with it.

no break up or hurt in my life has even come close to even beginning to scratch the surface of the magnitude of this deep ache in my soul. And there has been some truly awful fuckshit in my life.

i don’t want to let them down. I didn’t want to let them down in the first place, though whether there was more to our ending behind the scenes than just that I’ll never know. Maybe I’d been losing them long before I could have even tried anything about it.

but I don’t know how to move forward without it going badly one way or another

one side if I‘m a pathetic coward and run from the hurt that comes with being around them and seeing them, and the feelings that can’t die because who I am is just doomed to love everything they are, then I end up losing even the ability to know or have them in my life at all. And I would mourn that forever too. We become strangers and they probably forever feel hurt at the fact I couldnt stay close to them because of this weak, sensitive heart. I’ll be shelved in the past as a disappointment.

on the other I stay close to keep them in my life and my heart continues to break and yearn for the return of something that’s gone. The friend who never truly gets over them and always unconsciously hopes for a return. And constant exposure to their new love will fester under my skin and keep the aching wound fresh and weeping. And whatever friendship I try to salvage may come off awkward and unnatural. Especially if we were to meet face to face at cons or amongst the shared circle of friends again Where I can’t hide behind a convenient mask of carefully worded text to hide the feelings. I worry my heavy heart still so full of love that I’ll be unable to fully mask and hide will make them uncomfortable. Because dammit Lauren why can’t you just get over it already

yeah...

i sound ridiculous and Its been the same stuff for this whole year. But god.. I love them so much and no matter what happens I know I’ll always be in love with them in some constant way all my life. They really were one of a kind. The gentlest sweetest soul with a patience that melted my heart and made me feel safer and more comfortable than anyone else ever could.

I really thought we could make it work. And though life circumstances played a big part in keeping us apart and making their feelings drift, maybe I was also always going to never quite be enough in comparison to Someone else. I wanted to be made for them, to be someone who deserved to stay in their heart as I once was, but maybe someone else was always going to be the better fit.

i can only wish them the best

[pokefanbri]

https://www.facebook.com/104057744428568/posts/156998459134496/?sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=e

Fucking told him its a huge red flag if someone doesn't get rid of their apps. Multiple apps. Smh 😠 "oh yea i don't use them anymore" proceeds to use fb dating app" for real come on bro!

Some comments of the post:

"If you have to be checking up on your Partner then you shouldn't be with that person.. Idk how people have time for all this .. love yourself and know your worth.."

"If you're in a serious committed exclusive relationship you should not be on tinder. That's how I met my fiance and as soon as we said we are gf and bf and exclusive we both deleted it. Honestly if I was her I would have broken up with him too"

"a person also has a right to trust their gut feeling and check things out if something's not feeling right. Knowledge is power"

I've already discussed this but this news clip further validates my point of the topic, nothing more. I could call him out on hs bs further with detail, but I won't....yet, out of respect even though he probably doesn't deserve it. Til he reaches me & apologizes for everything he's done, i can say whatever tf I want & i could make a whole damn list.

Its the events of this what happened that started our downfall to begin with cuz i didn't trust him & he didn't even try to gain it back just left it as is when I could've turned my back right then & there, no apology either. Didnt apologize much actually, not even when i last saw him. But from then we spiraled & he got bored of me. I wasn't giving him what he wanted in whatever way & he wanted to find more. Closed himself off from the beginning & that created his boredom 😒

Would've had a blast together like a normal fucking couple if he was less closed off, & wouldn't have felt the need to do shit behind my back.

I'll stop talking about it for now, I have the anger & urge to keep going but I wont...actually no Screw it im pissed 😡 but ill keep it light. Its just not fair, I did so much for him but I was disrespected in different aspects of the whole relationship. Fuck! I've talked about the positives alot cuz i do love him..but the negatives are such bs too.

I want a good ass sincere apology for all of it so I can forgive him & move on, ive already apologized myself even though I dont think I should have to 😒. Didnt even give me a straight answer for the breakup, it was always a different excuse when I know he just wanted to pursue other women without me around im not fucking stupid. His own toxicity was too much even for himself & I was in the line of fire, to where i was the toxic one? No fuck that its unacceptable, he always lied when it came to covering his own ass.

For all i know he's watching me squirm & taking pleasure in all the pain I'm going through over him cuz he likes the attention. But no I actually don't think so on that one he's still good & ill give him credit where its due. But I gave him all the attention he wanted/needed & still wanted more from someone else. Really dude fucking really!?

Man up & own up to your mistakes, speak to me where I can actually hear ur voice speaking back to me with sincerity. We'll apologize together. Yea ull be pissed about this, but after u get over it & calm down. Give in & call me, granted when ur ready, & open up for once in your damn reserved life. Itll help us both with more closure & may even take a weight off our shoulders if we just talk it out, no arguing...since we're done there's no point anyway..a friendly non judgment zone cuz idc, i won't think of u any less.

U confused me during & especially after the relationship cuz i didnt know who u really were, i know the good cuz that's what u allowed me to see, ive accepted the bad that I knew already & from what ive learned...i accepted u regardless.

I always forgave u & not cuz im passive, cuz forgiveness is what the Bible teaches.. ive forgiven u & myself the best i could especially with the last things ive showed u, (accept this part cuz im pissed rn & standing up for myself, ill delete eventually maybe if u ask cuz nobody wants to be seen any less of a person. but I can make it alot worse, calling me the mistake was the worst thing u ever said to me & pointing out your faults so u can be better throughout the relationship was my only toxicity to u) we actually never really fought except the 1 time, just argued a tiny bit rarely about little things.

Ive tried using every ounce of my courage to show u how much im sorry for any wrong ive done. but its up to u now to make things right. U know me, ive always said that u can talk to me about anything. I want to be able to trust again & move on whilst staying friends. What else do u have to lose, might even have a great heart to heart convo dude to dudet

Everything ive ever said up to this point lies all my Questions. But here's most of the list, we both were equally in control of the relationship. Maybe u didn't want me to? But doing everything I had to for myself & the household, what u & ur parents wanted of me & just me being me cuz i had to, u had your own part to play & did provide...but did u actually not want me to cater to u if it were a sign u were lazy or something? Like did u not feel worthy of me? What is it u think is my "addicting personality" that isn't fixable on the surface? What is it really that u didnt like about me? This is why i don't have closure, u left me like this, confused as well as wanting more since u held back so much. Was that on purpose to give me even more false hope & want me to pine over u? Did u ever or do u still, love me at all? What did u want from me & out of the relationship, what was the purpose of it from ur perspective & why do u think i couldn't give that to u? What did i lack that u felt compelled to not tell me so I could improve & vise versa so we both could improve? Why wouldn't u allow me to help u become a better man when (I shouldnt have to btw), its exactly what u wanted but maybe didnt see it? Do u realize your own faults even as u do them? Lol. Like i genuinely want to know as much as the good ive seen, cuz to be better the more open of a person u are the more u understand yourself too.

Unless claiming u want to be a better man is part of ur alluring charm in love bombing process to land a caring girl on purpose lol...god I hope not, that would just mean u rinse & repeat like a for real narcissist 🤔 seriously tho look into that im not even kidding, im asking cuz i care. Im pissed now but 1 thing is that im trying to not put ur behavior against u cuz maybe u can't help it, its just the way u are, all ive seen & experienced points to maybe 50% of u lol. Ive always suspected narcissism, a real psych problem that might be worth looking into. But yea 1 of the reasons especially why im so forgiving & trying not to put it against u, why i still care despite u being a dick lol. I chose to look past it, all the time & up to now cuz I understand what its like to have psychological ailments. The worst part about it is most dont realize it, so i encourage u to do some research & self reflection & admitting it to urself are the 1st steps. Okay? There's different kinds & levels to being 1 too, i found that fascinating. bryan is definitely a different type, ur more lighter than that...definitely not the worst which is the physical harm type. Trust me its worth finding out more about yourself, just dont use it to ur advantage in a bad way but i trust u to do right & grow. Not sure a discarded supply (ie me) has ever tried telling a narcy what they might be for the benefit of their own self awareness 🤔,idk if its ever been done, but theres a 1st for everything? U can find alot on it in quora digest alone but Google is also ur friend.

You always were worth every effort of mine to help u in any way to be happy, & i was most happy when u were. U mean alot to me still, its the effect u had on me, I was under ur spell lol its hard to rid myself of it still, not sure when it'll pass. I chose to see it as a gift rather than a curse, that ur effect on me is still so strong when I shouldn't give a damn. If u really are a narcy, then I understand & don't put alot against u cuz its just the way u are & i need to accept it, but if it somehow helps u to help yourself cuz of it, then whats the harm? But, even in doing this or having my socials public for u...maybe just feeds into what u want...i still dont care, I want u to see how bad or good im doing without u in my life, so u know im okay at least. U promised friendship, least I can do is allow u to keep tabs on me too we spoke of, on my end of things.

The 18th of June was the last time i saw u. It'll soon be a month ago in about a week & a 1/2 & your birthday would mark 2 months. Cant believe we couldn't even last through to that 😔

Mark my words playa I will be contacting u on that day lol. Can't ghost your homie forever sweetie

[mochabeesnuts]

Oh no it said anon... ok hang on. (Puts on a mask) ok ok ok ... all of them

YOU HOE

0: Height

5′9″

1: Age

18, almost 19!

2: Shoe size

9 and 1/2

3: Do you smoke?

Nope!

4: Do you drink?

Nope!

5: Do you take drugs?

Nope!

6: Age you get mistaken for

I always get mistaken for being a lot older than I am

7: Have tattoos?

No

8: Want any tattoos?

Yep! I want stars behind my left ear and an arrow with a rose on my right foot.

9: Got any piercings?

My earlobes are pierced

10: Want any piercings?

I want another piercing on the side of my ear

11: Best friend?

riley and ali

12: Relationship status

single and confused

13: Biggest turn ons

:3c do you really want to know?

jkjk hmm, dedication. someone whos just,, there no matter what. even if you go your separate ways you just kinda? know theyll still be there. it means a lot cause idk, just makes me feel like im someone worth sticking around for and that does a lot for me

14: Biggest turn offs

sexist people, racist people, self centered people, especially people that are horrible to anyone in customer services

15: Favorite movie

the narnia movies

16: I’ll love you if...

youre the type of person I can just spend endless nights in late calls with. ive noticed its a p big common factor

17: Someone you miss

mm everyone already knows the answer to this

18: Most traumatic experience

scrolling through rileys bright ass eye bleeding blog for hours on end

19: A fact about your personality

im honest

20: What I hate most about myself

im never enough

21: What I love most about myself

uh,, mmm... uh... i cant think of anything, ill come back and answer this if i come up with something while i answer the rest

22: What I want to be when I get older

financially stable

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)

distant, practically non-existent

24: My relationship with my parent(s)

stressful, but theyre good people. good parents.

25: My idea of a perfect date

anything as long as we get to hold hands, even if just for a bit. i do really love aquariums though so?

26: My biggest pet peeves

lying, people who are assholes to people just trying to do their jobs

27: A description of the girl/boy I like

mm, hurt. but healing. someone who wants to grow. theyre amazing and while i know that theyll never see me the way i see them, theyre someone i hope i dont lose in my life

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

i dont have an answer for this

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend

because the secret they wanted to know was not mine to tell

30: What I hate the most about work/school

getting up in the morning. jesus fuck. 

31: What my last text message says

“also do you remember what the hotkeys are for like when you record something and you want the notes to autosnap into place without having to adjust the tiny differences by hand“

32: What words upset me the most

turns out i was just desperate

33: What words make me feel the best about myself

anything along the lines of i love you or getting good feedback on my work

34: What I find attractive in women

im not picky but just,, the idea of a girlfriend who steals my hoodies is just... really sweet and cute to me. 

35: What I find attractive in men

a man that makes me feel like we’re equals. not that one is better than the other. maybe just a bit cheeky or sassy at times but has a big dorky side. hmm the dorky side thing kinda goes for all genders tbh though.

36: Where I would like to live

I don’t know! I’m trying to figure it out tbh. probably monterey or ireland.

37: One of my insecurities

my appearance, my weight, my tendencies to over exaggerate, my horrible academic patterns and grades, saying and doing the wrong things, not being enough, and- oh shit that says one. im gonna stop typing now lmao

38: My childhood career choice

marine biologist

39: My favorite ice cream flavor

cotton candy!

40: Who I wish I could be

the version of me in my head. yknow how like,, some people have that oc in their head where they just kinda go through different worlds and shit? i have that and well,, shes want i wish i was. shes thin and pretty, shes a really good dancer and shes just got this bright personality that id kill for. she always knows what to say or do and i wish i was her. heheh, never thought id end up having purple hair like her though. i always wanted to but kept getting told no. then it happened by accident long after i gave up lmao so i suppose it worked out

41: Where I want to be right now

with them

42: The last thing I ate

uhhh i had some take out earlier

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

*blushes* YEAH NO NOT ANSWERING THAT AND FUCK IM MAD THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY CAME TO MIND WTF

44: A random fact about anything

Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell

[isaacathom]

the more i worldbuild the divorce the less Lavinia’s actions feel in proportion to anything that Alexis actually did, so i feel like at some point im going to have to add a straight up Bad Decision into Alexis’ vaguely defined breakdown. other than the car thing. now Alexis wouldn’t cheat, which is ironic given that the one jazzy song in my dowburne playlist definitely implies that the other party’s been fucking around, so its not that. and a misunderstanding of such is a little trite. outright lying works depending on what its about, like. idk. if alexis says ‘ill be home straight after work’ and then ends up getting pissed with their workmates and comes home quite late. which is somewhat out of character for Alexis, but works well enough. Alexis wouldnt drink drive, esp with all that, so they were driven home, which kinda sucked because the friend pulls up out front, alexis gets out, the front door opens, and before the friend can pull away lavinia just goes ‘where the FUCK have you been’ and the friend goes ‘oh no’ and fucking zooms outta there. rough shit.

cause in that circumstance itd be a combination of the drunkedness (alexis is not much of a drinker, aside from the post grad piss up, which, i mean, post grad piss up thats just what the shit is) and the lying. and alexis probably meant it when they said it, ill be home straight after work, but then got caught up in the fact that they feel so much better at work than they do at home and the colleagues go ‘wanna go out for dinner?’ ‘sure!’ and thus, whoops!

now my issue there is whether alexis being pissed would be an issue. i mean it is an issue because they probably really should not be drinking that much(mfers be taking Medications, right) but like. does it cause anything here, specifically. does a drunken Alexis lose their fucking shit? im down for them losing their shit. they would not hit Lavinia. This is presumably after the ‘nearly whacked their own son because of nightmares and surprise’ incident, so Alexis is conscious of that kind of thing, and would catch themself. doesnt rule out almost hitting, though. doesn’t rule out a drunken argument in the living room where Alexis drops their guard for once in their goddamn marriage and doesn’t take shit, bares their goddamn soul in a way they never do in front of her, and it doesnt go down super well. theres probably even a bit where chris waddles out of his bedroom babbling about whats going on and alexis continues to be loud and angry, causing chris to cry. which IMMEDIATELY sets Lavinia off to accuse Alexis of not giving a fuck about their sons, which Alexis takes very poorly. because Alexis does care. Alexis cares a lot. Alexis doesn’t know how to express that they care (and Johnathan in particular has intuited this, Chris is too young to have). Alexis launches into some kind of rant about how everyone expresses their fucking emotions differently, how fucking dare she, she launches back with all the times alexis has chosen something else over their kids, alexis goes back with explaining why they focused on work, and at some point during this conversation Alexis absolutely says something on the lines of ‘BECAUSE BEING AT WORK WAS BETTER THAN BEING AT HOME WITH YOU!’ and Lavinia goes dead fucking silent and amidst the fog of alcohol Alexis realises o- oh no. they try to backpedal. they try to explain what they mean. they try to explain that its not what it sounds like, i swear, Lavinia its not what it sounded like, let me explain, i meant that i dont know how to act around you, i dont know how to make you happy, its easier at work, its easier, its me not you, lavinia please- but its not working, alexis can’t explain it, and they know that what they yelled at her was true.

Lavinia gathers up a still crying Chris and takes him back to his room without a word. Alexis splutters but withdraws, knows they’ve fucked it, does not follow her in. She comes out once she’s calmed Christopher down and glares daggers at Alexis from across the hall. “if you dont want to be here, leave.” she says, and she goes to bed, and slams the door shut. Alexis grabs their medication, leaves the house, locks the door behind them, sits on the front door step and calls that friend. “listen mate i- can i crash at your place tonight? i’ll explain... im sorry.”. the friend arrives and bundles alexis into their car and they drive off quietly down the lane. Johnathan peeks through the curtain to watch them go.

Alexis spends that night with the friend, who helps calm them down and tries to assure them that they didnt mean what they said, it was anger and alcohol, when theyre sober they should go back and apologise. but alexis knows it was genuine. alexis knows that they said the truth, and that it was the wrong thing to say, and that they lack the words to explain to Lavinia what it means. ‘its not you, its me’ is too trite an idea, she won’t accept it. she didnt accept it. Alexis passes out on that friends couch, tucked gently in with a blanket.

the next day, the friend drives them back to their car, Alexis drives to the store to try and pick up something. something that will prove to Lavinia that no, they still love her. some kind of token. something to prove it. they cant figure it out. the realisation is dawning. they end up just buying a packet of muffins, reason that if nothing else, a muffin for afternoon tea can’t go be the worst thing. gets home. finds it empty. turns out lavinia had taken the boys out, to a park or a cafe or something. just leaving a note “we’ve gone out - we’ll be back soon, we promise :)”. Alexis places the set of muffins on top of the note and ends up just sitting on the edge of the bed they shared, what seems like years ago, with Lavinia. Lets the weight of their decisions settle in their chest. try to push it down by organising some of their things, rearranging their things in the closet and folding up others, subconsciously aware that its almost like theyre making things easier to pack up later - ends up sitting on the bed to cry. doesnt hear the car pull in. doesnt hear the door open. doesnt realise theyre home until Johnathan calls out from the doorway and they look up in a start. Lavinia stands behind Johnathan with the same glare of the evening before, but Alexis briefly ignores her to respond to Johnathan, asks how his day out with mummy was, offers a hug which john accepts. john quickly babbles about their day, about playing frisbee in the park. Alexis laughs, catches Lavinia’s eye again, and goes “tell you what champ, you can tell me all the details later - mummy and i need to talk. there’s a muffin in the counter - only take one!” “muffin?!” and johnathan darts off, and alexis calls “only take one!” Lavinia steps in the threshold and closes the bedroom door behind her. Alexis sits back down on the bed, puts their head in their hands. sighs. Lavinia folds her arms and waits.

Alexis eventually, eventually says “I’m sorry, I-” but their voices catches again, their words leave, they fall back into an agonising silence where their brain whirls. none of that flow from the night before, with the aid of the alcohol, comes to them now. its just stammers into silence. fragments pop up. “its not you, its me” “i didn’t mean it” “i care, i care, i-”. Lavinia sits on the bed next to them. they sit in silence for a little more. She eventually asks - asks, not says - if they want time apart, and there’s an edge of bitterness there. Alexis thinks about it, considers saying no, they want to stay, they want to stay with her and the kids, but they know... they know. the guard drops, and Alexis says yes. “for the sake of the kids, if nothing else. i’m sorry they keep having to see this. i’m sorry, lavinia.” lavinia snorts. alexis continues “I’ll find a hotel. we’ll... we’ll try a week.” a thought rises, and they smash it back down. But the eye contact with Lavinia says that she thought it too - it’s going to be more than a week. She sighs, and gets up off the bed. “I’ll help you pack.”

and so it goes. the end of their marriage comes officially a few weeks later. 

[all-only-always-mine]

why did you ghost me?

i wanna ask you that, but i know how bad you are with your words, and im sure youd only say its cause youre a bad person or something, though thats not necessarily true. youd say "oof" or "bc im awful" or "idk" or something like that. and i understand its bc youre horrible with communication, youre not neurotypical, i dont think. and thats fine, and normally i would understand and work with you and find a compromise that doesnt leave you feeling too uncomfortable and doesnt leave me how i was left, feeling confused and abandoned.

however, what you did was kind of fucked up. you know about my issues with my father and stepfather. you know how my last ex before you disappeared too. and you still ghosted. its been 9 months since we broke up. its been over a year and a half since we started dating. and im still fucked up over you.

i know you never believed me when i said i loved you. you only thought i hated you because you hate yourself so much you cant imagine anyone not feeling the same. honestly, it baffles me too, how much i loved you. youre a dropout, youve got no social skills, youre picky, and mean, and horrible at communication. your life goals are about as unattainable as can be, you arent all that attractive, you talked constantly about how you were gonna get a job and lose weight and this that and the other without ever actually going through the steps to get it, and every tiny little obstacle you met delayed everything for at least 2 months. we are nothing alike. we arent compatible. we never really were. but god i wanted to marry you. i could picture us living together, and having kids, 2 little boys. i could imagine us getting married, working at our restaurant, our life was gonna be fucking great. i really, honestly, truly had faith in us. its the only thing ive ever been so sure of in my entire fucking life.

and in the beginning i know you loved me more than i loved you. you were honestly a bit obsessive. and i didnt mind. i liked it. but then you stopped. i loved you more than i had before, you didnt seem to like me at all.

what i want to know, the reason id be texting you right now if i thought youd actually give me an answer, is what i did wrong. why did you fall out of love with me? why did you disappear for weeks on end? why the fuck did you make another account and have a goddamn conversation with me on it, thinking i didnt know it was you?

did i even do anything wrong? was i too clingy or needy? did you stop thinking i was pretty? did i get annoying? or did you just lose feelings, like all it was was a strong crush? did you realize how badly matched we were? or maybe you convinced yourself i hated you?

i want you to know im still hung up on this. maybe you really thought i hate you, but i loved you more than anyone id loved before. you probably think i hardly even remember you, or that i wasnt affected much by what happened with us, but goddamn thats far from the truth.

i almost want to actually text you. just say "hey, we need to talk. as much as i absolutely hate to admit it, im still kinda fucked up over you. i dont love you, and i havent loved you since about november or so. but because of how shit ended with us, i never got any sort of closure, and i think if i get that now it might help. i know ur bad with words and communication and feelings and shit so obv ill work with that, all i ask is that u please, please try. i wanna know why u didnt just break up with me, and why u stopped loving me in the first place. idk if i did something wrong or if it was literally just as simple as like. u just stopped liking me. so even if there isnt an actual answer, that works just as well. just, help me out here ig."

and then we can move forward from there, and part ways.

[ajp3mbgk-blog]

I have a polish worker were can i find cheap car insurance for him?

I have a polish worker were can i find cheap car insurance for him?

in the uk...

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SOURCES:

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[noctomania]

my landlord needs to shit or get off the pot. he's been tiptoeing around eviction for months now. He's made sure to let me know that I would be allowed to stay but that we (meaning me) have ti replace the other two.

Well guess what. he needs to first tell them as much. and he hasnt. it has been like 2 weeks since he said he intended to terminate their tenancy. nothing. no notice yet. which is leaving me with less and less time to get reliable people.

this process is fairly simple....if people pulk their own fucking weight. so now im anticipating all kinds of disaster. let us run through the list of my anxieties, shall we:

1- the same things happening again. from the process of finding people to the point we're at now. Most if not all can be attributed to people not giving me advanced enough notice and people dropping the ball and everything resulting in me having to repeat a process i should only have had to do once 3 times.

2- me ending up in a tight place and having to give up most of my belongings as well as a big chunk of my savings. if i dont have time i cant find someone and then i will have no choice but to move and since it will be at the tail end of things then i would probably not end up with a nice place. ill have to settle for whatever i can get.

3- winding up with shitty roommates again. the reason i have the shitty roommate to begin with is that she was the only option i had left. she was nowhere on my priority list.my first pick which was a couple who were going to take both rooms and would have made my life 10x easier - the landlord dropped the ball and didnt call them so they took another deal. i had to start interviews all over again and in the end i had to settle for 2 unemployed people.

4- late notice to terminate may cause backlash from my current roommates. the worst of the two has an attitude problem and im not confident she would maintain any level of maturity in the process. i have no doubt she will make the entire process much more difficult than it needs to be and that she may even dig her heels in and claim that we have no right to not renew her lease. even though nobody wants her here. she also has SO. MUCH. SHIT. i fear it will take her ages to get it out. i wont hesitate to have it removed and/or donated if she tries it though.

5- insecurity. one of my current roommates has had lots of various people in and out. im not 100% confident that people who arent on the lease dont have keys. so i will likely be requesting a replacement lock so i dont have strangers letting themselves in. even though im fairly confident absolutely no rental unit ive ever lived in ever changed their locks. ill also need to make sure nobody is still on our wifi cuz i know that has been a circus.

6- wreckage. IF we can get them out on time and IF i dont suffer any personal issues, i will likely still have to clean up after them. as i had to for the last roommates. i honestly don't know how bad their rooms are. i worry mostly about one over the other because i know she never cleans her room. Also im worried they will also be both careless and rushed while they move and cause damages to occur. technically i do know how to properly repair minor damages like an accidental hole in drywall, but id really rather not. im not sure how willing my landlord would be to have someone come by.

7- either one of them making this longer and harder than it has to be. as it is it is a lot of time and effort to find people and process them. if i have to deal with someone trying some bullshit like making up a case of why the landlord isnt allowed to do this -- i may go insane. they both have tried to make false claims that the landlord was up to shady business when he would inform me when either one of them hadnt paid rent, so i wouldnt put it past them to try and make a case out of it simply to buy time. one of them i know has no issue with lying to people's faces so, we'll have to see.

8- the stress renders me ill and makes doing any of this that much more of an uphill battle. or i totally lose it and become unable to function at all.

9- current roommates trying to sabotage the chance of pinning anyone down by making false claims or dramatizing something when i show them the rooms.

10- idk if i can think of one for this but i needed it to be an even 10 because who stops at 9? perhaps this worry is that rent will go up with a new contract. i have signed 3 times now and never has he raised the rent which im eternally grateful for but with the bumassness of my current roommates i worry that he will have a change of heart and up rent as insurance.

I hate waiting. I hate having to just sit on my thumb because whoever is in my way is sitting on their thumbs. i want to tackle my problems not wait til they get worse. if i can tackle it now why wait?? normally i procrastinate a lot but not when it comes to ensuring i have a roof over my head and food in my cupboard. if the landlord doesn't get in gear im not gonna stick around. as much as i want to save money that wont happen if im the only one doing anything productive. im beyond tired of having to pick up after everyone else. you either show gratitude in the form of taking control of your responsibilities or im OUT.

im slightly sad too because i had been lookin at apartments before my current landlord said hed be kickin the others out and there was a place that had a study included with the bedroom. i was offered the spot but i had to turn them down because of the landlords promise and because i didnt want to spend more money than i needed to. While i can mend some of my woes by focusing on potential downsides to have taken that place, i cant ignore the fact that i would have been freed of so much responsibility.

we'll see. i emailed the landlord to try and kick him in the behind so hopefully that has some effect. now is not the time to test my patience.

[methylparabenz-blog]

Second note to self for the day: I actually don’t like how style fluid I am because I look different every day and it’s not intentional. My hair is wavy. Or curly. Or straight. (When I straighten it or attempt to make it straight) and I don’t really have a clothing style, I do miss my boy clothes though. My mom always goes through my clothes and throws them away if my parents don’t like them whenever im in the hospital (ive stayed out for a year though!) my parents didn’t like my collection of skater boy jeans and I only have one pair left. It was cute when i weighed less because they weren’t like exactly skinny jeans. Idk I’m wearing the shirt I stole from taylor when we were kinda a thing but I think I have only a few more oversized ts. I pretty much have like three outfits idk everything else I feel uncomfortable wearing because it feels too fluffy idk >.< like girl shirts with ruffles and buttons and stuff >.< I have a button up one I got from the thrift store and another I think Eddy gave to me. I want to be thinner to wear them though idk they still fit it’s just i miss my boyish figure 😭😭😭 idk kinda. Not so I can look like a boy but cuz it feels normal to me. One time I was wearing a hoodie and I was standing outside and my dad thought I was some guy and I turned around and he was like omg sorry you just look like a boy from behind. I was pretty upset then I started owning it and would wear my hoodie every time I was sneaking out and walking somewhere at like 3am and mind you there are A LOT of bad ppl in Daytona at night srsly anyway I was a young female but if I walked past someone they’d be like whatsup bruh omg they all thought I was a guy xD but now I don’t go outside at night unless I’m with someone because now it’s just scary when I obviously look like a girl. Woman. Whatever. (I like considering myself a girl still) I have scary stories but I’d like not to think about it. Ok second cup of coffee and still remembering stuff so hopefully this blog doesn’t get deleted and I can find it when I’m 40 and be really embarrassed. I just looked at my tummy in the mirror and i definitely am losing weight. My psychiatrist called me out on the eating disorder every month I see him :( he asks really lightly how i eat and stuff im always like YA I EAT A LOT then he’s like well you gain ten pounds last visit and you lost ten pounds this visit ...you gain and lose Ten pounds from visit to visit that’s not healthy. Then he turned to my dad and was like does she have a history of an eating disorder? And my dad said yeah a long time and told him I still have an eating disorder!!!!! >;( my doctor was like how so? ASKING MY DAD AND NOT ME. Thank god he only said “sometimes she eats a lot and other days she eats nothing” my doctor just said I see. Then told me that’s bad. Duh???? Then he asked me about programs and stuff and why I was there like tf stop asking me questions like I’m a kid idk how to explain it like.. the “can you tell me?” Shit makes me upset now it makes me h8888 the mental health system no bitch I cant tell you . I was honest though and said i USED to be anorexic and bulimic and then he said I know????? And what makes me even more upset my psychologist pointed it out too last visit she said it’s my way of having control in my life i was dyinggggg yes Bitch i know😭😭😭😭 idk I like her she’s nice. She always didn’t exactly tell me to smoke weed but she was like “if you smoked weed i know you wouldn’t need as much pills but I’m not a psychiatrist I just know mental health” and she was right.....I got taken off klonopin for anxiety and she said see? Last time I saw her she told me she was so glad I smoked weed and didn’t really drink. I think today is the day. For gw1: 120

gw2: 94

ugw: 89

Basing these off my past measures not my height now idk it’s the numbers that get me im scared to weigh myself rn ill do it tomorrow morning