#however please look up the trigger warnings because there are tons for this book

[avatar-anna]

Can you write something about reader having an ED and Harry doesn’t notice at first but then starts to notice And then eventually helps you through it?

Try To Find a Way Back

trigger warning: mentions and direct references to eating disorders. please be cautious if you find this topic triggering

so, i don't know a ton about eating disorders and what it's like for someone who has one to be actively struggling with it, and writing about something i don't completely understand makes me nervous bc i don't want to get it wrong. however, since you asked, i'm going to do my best to write this!

in case anyone is curious, this is the article i referenced while writing

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

"I just don't understand what her issue is. If I was in her shoes, I'd get help. It's that simple."

"I don't know if—"

"I mean, it's not like struggling with eating makes her special. Like, everyone has body image issues and we just deal with it. Harry will probably break up with her because of all the reassurance she needs. Poor guy probably didn't know what he got himself into when he asked her out. God what a headache for him."

You backed up slowly, not wanting to hear the conversation that was so clearly about you anymore. You'd gone to grab drinks for yourself and who you thought were your friends, but now your hands were shaking so hard you worried the contents in the two wine glasses would come spilling out, glass shattering to the floor. Your heart pounded in your chest, bile rising in your throat. Finding the nearest server walking around with an empty tray and, you set the glasses down before booking it out of the club.

Tears were already starting to pool in your eyes as you ordered an Uber to take you home. Phoebe was one of Harry's friends, but she'd been kind to you since the day he introduced you to her and the rest of his close knit group of friends he'd had for years. You'd been incredibly nervous. You were an outsider, not a model or a writer or a musician or an actor. You weren't extraordinarily talented or beautiful, you were just...you.

None of that seemed to matter to Harry, though. He'd been nothing but flirtatious since the moment he met you. Well, once he was able to look past his nerves. He'd been a bit of a stuttering mess at first, and it wasn't until an hour into talking to him where he really got comfortable enough to flirt, and flirt he did.

It took not one, not two, but three tries to get you to go out with him, your insecurities getting in the way the first two times. But that had been a few months ago, and now you were pretty sure you were in love with him, except now you knew his friends hated you.

She doesn't understand, you thought. It isn't so black and white. You would love to just fix yourself, to make yourself see a doctor, seek help. But eating disorders were a behavioral disease, and when you were in the thick of it, it was hard to shake. You'd told Phoebe about your struggles with your weight and eating disorder in confidence, thinking she was someone you could confide in, only to find her mocking your pain behind your back to someone else, and now you didn't know what to do.

Your phone buzzed with a text message, and you tensed when you saw who it was from.

Bubbie: hey where'd you run off to?

You: not feeling well. heading home

Bubbie: why didn't you say anything? let me take you home

Wiping away a tear, you typed out a text. In most cases, being around Harry would've brought you comfort, but right now, you just wanted to be alone. You couldn't let him see you like this, so unsteady.

You: it's ok. enjoy your first night back with your friends. kissies xx

*.*

You'd been avoiding Harry for the last week and a half. Phoebe's words sent you into a bit of a tailspin, and shame kept you from speaking to him, not wanting to involve him in your issues. Because you realized Phoebe was right. To some extent. You should've been able to ask for help, you should've been able to tell Harry how much you were really struggling, but your shame kept you from reaching out to anyone or asking for help, along with the desire to keep up your habits, which created a toxic cycle.

"It seems like this boy is doing you more harm than good, honey," your mom said over the phone. She was the only one you told about what you overheard Phoebe say.

"He's not the problem, Mom. I just—"

"You were doing so well up until you started seeing him. I just don't want you to slip again. I worry about you, and if being with that boy is causing you problems, then you need to look at the bigger picture."

Her heart was in the right place, it really was. Your mom had been there for a lot of your darkest moments and was rightfully protective of you and your health. But Harry really wasn't the problem. He'd never made you feel like you needed to change your body for him, it was quite the opposite in fact. He constantly praised the way you looked, and not because you needed reassurance or asked him to, despite Phoebe's assumptions. He just really thought you were beautiful.

"I can't just live my life alone, Mom," you said eventually, not wanting to admit more. "He makes me happy."

You heard your mom sigh, but she thankfully didn't press the matter further, even though you knew she had lots to say. She always had lots to say where your boyfriend was concerned. The last thing she said on the matter was, "Just...be careful."

Once you hung up the phone, you fell back against your bed for a few minutes before standing up and walking to your kitchen. A trip to the grocery store was in order, just based on the meager items in your pantry and refrigerator—pasta and no sauce, cereal but no milk, veggies but they weren't organic, and did you really need the family size bag of Doritos—

You took a breath, willing those thoughts away. You were fine. You were just upset about what Phoebe had said about you, nothing more. "It's just the grocery store," you murmured. "You go all the time."

*.*

The grocery store had never looked bigger. There were too many labels, too many colors, too many brands making promises of health and wellness. Your hands gripped the shopping cart until your knuckles were white, eyes wide as you carefully browsed the aisles. Everyone else was going about their business just fine. You watched as people grabbed what they needed with ease, scratching items off their lists and moving into the next thing.

How did they know which bread to buy? How did they decide on a cereal? Whole grain or multi grain? They didn't even look at the nutritional facts before putting something in their carts, didn't stop to do the math, counting calories and carbs and grams of sugar against what they already had. How could they just exist without caring about—

Your phone buzzing pulled you from your anxiety-riddled thoughts. With shaking hands, you pulled your phone out of your oversized zip-up, Harry's face popping up with the notification that he was calling you.

"H—Hello?"

"Hey, you! I feel like I haven't heard from you, so I thought I'd call and check in."

You smiled, despite the anxiousness that still had your shoulders tensed. "Sorry, I've been...busy."

"God, me too," Harry said woefully. "But I've let work get in the way far too much this week. I need to see you. Are you free tonight? I can come over and make dinner for the two of us."

The word dinner filled you with dread. That wasn't a good idea right now. The idea of anyone seeing you eat, even Harry, felt terrifying. But what could you do? Saying no would involve having to explain yourself, and you wanted to do that even less.

"I'd love to," you said, all that anxiety coiling in the pit of your stomach.

"Yeah? You're in for a treat, I happen to be a fabulous cook."

"Can't wait."

You couldn't even feel excited to see Harry. The dread of having to sit through dinner took up too much space in your mind. You tried to will it away. You liked Harry too much to let your mind get in the way of messing up the good thing you had going.

*.*

A few weeks later, and you were at Harry's house for dinner again, only this time it wasn't just the two of you.

Your date with Harry went better than expected. You picked at your food and pushed it around, shame eating away at you as you lied through your teeth about not feeling very well when Harry asked why you'd hardly eaten anything. He'd been so sweet, making you a cup of tea, laying down with you on his couch to soothe your fake stomach ache, kissing the top of your head and rubbing a hand over your stomach comfortingly.

You felt horrible for lying to him, and you very well couldn't come clean after the fact, but it was better than talking about it. The less you talked about it, the better.

Tonight, you'd been carefully picking at your food again, making sure to take bites that were big enough to look normal and trying not to look like it was making you physically unwell. Each bite was excruciating, your mind telling you not to eat anymore and that you could never exercise all those calories away. It was all you could do to not focus on all the ways you knew how unhealthy this dinner was. It didn't match at all with your diet journal and you'd have to make up for it by—

"—just so hard, don't you think, Y/n?"

"Huh?"

Phoebe smiled at you, but it didn't feel very friendly. You'd avoided talking to her all night so far, had even taken the farthest seat away from her at the table.

"We were talking about how hard it is to live here in LA," she said, gesturing vaguely to the people around her. "It feels like there's a new diet trend every week, and it's just so hard to lose weight while not looking completely anorexic—"

"Phoebe," Harry said tightly, cutting her off before she could finish.

Your grip was tight on your fork, unable to meet anyone in the eye. Did they know? You'd been careful tonight, and any of the other times you'd seen Harry or his friends recently. You didn't want their pity or their questions or their judgement. Nothing would've been worse than the disappointed look on Harry's face, or the look of disgust if he discovered the truth.

That still wasn't enough to stop, though.

"What? I didn't mean to be offensive. I'm just saying how hard it is to get to that perfect size. Y/n knows what I'm talking about. God, I feel like I can taste every calorie I eat, can't you, Y/n?"

"I—Not really," you said meekly. This was not the conversation you wanted to have right now, especially since it felt like you could feel everything you'd eaten tonight, every single bite, sinking to the bottom of your stomach.

"God, I wish I could just throw it up, you know? Then I could eat whatever I want and not feel guilty about it. No more diets, no more counting calories, I could—"

"That's enough," Harry said, voice sounding harder than you'd ever heard it. He glared at Phoebe, whose mouth was still open from stopping mid-sentence. Her eyes were wide with shock as she tried to justify her conversation topic.

"Excuse me," you murmured to Harry, standing up on shaking legs to step away from the table.

"Y/n—"

"I just need to use the restroom," you said, trying your best to talk around the lump in your throat.

You went upstairs to one of the guest bathrooms where you wouldn't be disturbed, though you locked the door to the toilet for good measure. Panic and guilt and self-loathing swirled through you, tears burning your eyes.

For weeks, you told yourself you had it under control. Your behavior was strict, but not worrisome. And effective, too, but that only made guilt and shame mingle with the feeling of success. Your jeans were loose, but you took to wearing baggy clothes so no one would notice. The scale in your bathroom got lower, but it never seemed low enough. Your stomach was taught, rib cage starting to poke through skin, but that just made you feel even worse about yourself and how quickly things escalated. It was a neverending cycle, but as you continued to lean over the toilet, you told yourself it would be just this once. Just this once and you wouldn't do it again. Just this once—

"Y/n? Can you let me in?"

Tears fell harder when you heard his voice. You couldn't let him see you like this. You couldn't face the humiliation, how disappointed he'd be when he realized—

"Y/n, open the door, or I'll break it down, I swear to God," Harry said with urgency in his voice.

Wiping your eye and then your mouth, you stood up, trembling as you turned the lock. You opened your mouth, unsure if an apology or an explanation would come tumbling out of your lips. But Harry pulled you to his chest before you could say a thing. You couldn't help the sobs that wracked your body as he held you up. His hand held the back of your head fiercely, but not harshly, the other one pushing you as close to him as he could.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I should've said something sooner. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't realize—I never should've—I'm so sorry."

You didn't find out what Harry thought he shouldn't have done because he rested on top of your head, kissing you repeatedly. He squeezed you so tight, as if he worried you would slip away if he didn't. You couldn't focus on anything else but your own emotions, too ashamed at being caught and guilty for having slipped so far in the first place.

"I was okay," you sobbed. "I thought I was okay. I thought—I thought I could control it."

Harry finally leaned away from you, just enough so he could hold your face in his hands and look you in the eye. "This is not your fault. Do you understand? It's not your fault."

More tears streamed down your face, but Harry's thumbs were there to wipe them away. His eyes roved over your face, searching for something, but you didn't know what. Eventually, he said, "There's so much I want to say, but I think for now...I think you should rest."

You agreed, so you didn't try to object. You were exhausted, just wanted the whole evening to evaporate into thin air. You didn't even care if Harry's friends were still in the house or not, you just wanted all the thoughts in your head—the ones still screaming at you to finish what you started and the ones begging you to let Harry help—to stop.

"I just want it to stop," you mumbled.

Harry rested his forehead against yours, breathing in deep. "I know."

*.*

"You're doing so well, love."

It didn't feel like it. In fact, you felt the exact opposite of well. But Harry was holding your hand as you walked through the aisles of the grocery store, his encouragement pushing you to take each step. "I don't think I can do this today."

"What did your eating disorder say to make you think that?" Harry murmured, causing you to grumble under your breath, but it did the trick. You took another step and grabbed the jar of pesto off the shelf.

He'd been doing that a lot recently. Ever since you came back from the treatment facility, he talked about your eating disorder as if it were a separate person, like it was a little devil with red horns talking over your shoulder and not a disease. It grated on your nerves at first because it made you feel like he was talking down to you, and because he was right. Your eating disorder had been the voice in your head and making you make unhealthy decisions. How he saw it first, you had no idea, you were just thankful he was still here, still with you on your road to recovery.

The trip to the grocery store took longer than it probably should've, especially since you only needed a couple things. But the minute you stepped inside, your body tensed up as you took everything in. It was a struggle not to turn packages over to read the nutritional facts, and even harder to put things in your cart. Today was re-introducing day, which meant eating a meal that had foods you'd actively avoided in the past. It scared the shit out of you, which was why Harry was here.

He'd been incredible, more patient than other people would be. He put up with your mother's harsh words when she blamed him for your relapse, he was there every day he was allowed to visit, and he picked up every phone call when you eventually came home. Whether it was to talk you down or talk about random things that came into his head to distract you from dangerous thoughts, he was there.

You honestly didn't know what you did to deserve him.

"How can I help?" Harry asked when you came to another stop.

"Do we really have to buy the parmesan cheese?" you asked, eyeing the aisle filled with various cheeses with a queasy stomach.

"I think you can do it," Harry said, not entirely answering the question. "I can tell you a story while I put it in the cart for you, if that helps."

"Okay," you said, not really sure if it would.

"Right, let me think for a moment," Harry said, mostly to himself. "Oh. Got it! Okay, so one time I went on this blind date, right? And I normally don't like them because my friends seemed to think I can't function without a partner, which is horribly embarrassing, and I normally have a horrible time, but I went to the bar I agreed to meet this person at, and—"

"What? You hated it?" you asked. Part of you thought it was weird that Harry was talking about a date with someone else, but it was doing its job.

Harry raised his brows at you. "I talk, you push."

You rolled your eyes, but pushed the cart another inch, trying to focus on his voice and not where you were headed.

"As I was saying, I get to the bar, and I'm like, holy shit, because I see the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life, and as I go over to talk to her, someone calls out to me, and I realize the girl I saw wasn't who I wasn't supposed to go on a date with, it was someone else. But I can't just ditch this other girl even though I'm dying to just go over to the girl by the bar, so I stay put and try to engage in conversation and laugh when I think I'm supposed to, but I just—All I could think about was the girl in this cute little mini skirt and vest and what was making her laugh so damn much."

"Mini skirt and vest...at a bar...Wait, you don't mean—You were on a blind date when we met?"

The bar in question wasn't one you frequented. It was an upscale one, and you went because your friend dragged you inside, curious to see if she could get any CEOs to buy her a drink, and you...you were just there to make sure your friend got home okay. But somehow you bumped into Harry, though now you supposed you knew why.

"Not technically," Harry said. "The date was over when I walked up to you, and, well, you know the rest. I charmed the pants off you."

You snorted. "That's not what happened."

You'd known who Harry was when before he introduced himself, it was kind of hard not to. You'd seen music videos and heard his songs on the radio and seen him on your TV more than a handful of times, but it was definitely surprising to see him in person, especially because on screen he seemed so chill and cool and cute, the Harry you met was cute, but he could hardly get a word out.

"Nonsense. I remember it differently," Harry said with a sniff.

"You were so nervous it was so cute," you said, wrapping your arms around one of his while he took a turn with the cart.

Kissing the top of your head, he said, "If that's how you want to remember it, fine. But I do remember talking to you for hours and feeling like no time had passed at all. We closed down the bar, do you remember?"

"Mmhm," you said, nodding against his shoulder. "And then you tried to take me home."

"Can you blame me? I met the girl of my dreams, I couldn't just let you leave."

"You mean that?" you asked, looking up at him.

With everything you'd been through recently, it surprised you to know Harry was still with you. This battle you were fighting was lifelong, and you wouldn't have blamed him for leaving somewhere down the line. You loved him, and it would've hurt like hell, but you would've understood. But he never did, and every time you asked him about it, he just said he wasn't going anywhere.

Eventually, you stopped asking.

"I do," he murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. "You did it, love."

"What?" Raising your head off his shoulder, you looked around. You were at checkout, all the items you and Harry set out to buy today sitting in your basket. "We did it."

"You did it, Y/n. I'm so proud of you."

Relief rushed through you. It was one hurdle, just one, but each one was a victory, and Harry was there to help you celebrate each one. It was too public to kiss him, even though you felt the urge to, so you squeezed his hand and kissed the top of it instead.

"I love you," you whispered.

"I love you too," he said, taking you by surprise when he tilted your chin up for a brief kiss. "You ready to check out?"

Anxiety filled your belly once more as the weight of your situation bore down on you once again. Squeezing Harry's hand again, you shook your head.

Harry wrapped an arm around your shoulders and tucked you into his side. The warmth emanating from him was a comfort, and you breathed in deep, letting the scent of his cologne and laundry detergent flood your senses to distract you.

"Don't listen to the disease, Y/n. Listen to me, okay? How about another story?"

You nodded. "Please."

"You're going to be alright, Y/n, I promise," he said.

And maybe you didn't believe him completely now, but you trusted him enough to believe it for you until you did.

[ladytauria]

i think i reblogged it from you but never sent you questions, so for the book rec asks: 1, 13, 23, 44, 50, 54, 79, 92, 116, 130, 131 please!! thats A Lot, so feel free to pick and choose haha

ahhh thank u bean! i love talking books uwu

coming back up after answering to edit... um. bean, i'm so sorry for my answer on the last one xD i should have picked a different book. (i ranted. a little.)

1. a book that is close to your heart

there are a few books i could name, but i'm going to do the one i thought of first.

a girl of the limberlost. i only remember reading it once, but my mother is the one who gave it to me, and told me that it was a book she loved at my age at the time. (same with the secret garden.) so i can't think of that book without thinking of her, which makes it a little bit more special to me <3

13. your favorite romance novel

immediate impulse is to say legends and lattes by travis baldree bc. it's so good. however, while there is a romance i don't know if i would count it as a romance novel.

so.

the lady's guide to celestial mechanics. historical, sapphic, featuring both women in STEM (or, yknow, historical equiv) but also an appreciation for domestic arts / crafts normally looked down on. also there's an acknowledgement that homophobia existed, but there's none on page.

the prose is also gorgeous.

i don't actually read a ton of romance novels, but i've been trying to pick up more!

23. a book that is currently on your TBR

mmm, too many

but Our Wives Under the Sea - Julia Armfield went on sale on kindle the other day so! it's mine now <3 and one i've been eying for a while. the kindle cover isn't the one i wanted, but that's okay.

44. your favourite fantasy novel

a very large chunk of what i read is fantasy. this is HARD 😂

uhhh.

the locked tomb is technically sci-fi, isn't it?

fuck.

i'm gonna go with The Last Unicorn - Peter S. Beagle bc it is the only book i purposefully own more than one copy of! would love to get my hands on the graphic novel <3

honorary mention to the Inheritence Cycle bc reading Eragon was what got me to start writing my first novel.

which absolutely wasn't just. Eragon but with griffin riders instead.

(okay, legitimately, there were differences, but there was also definitely heavy inspiration.)

50. a book that made you cry a LOT

i don't actually cry at much? the last time i remember actually crying was when i was reading an abridged version of little women and beth died xD

i'm trying to think of another book which really grabbed me emotionally recently that also isn't. already on this list. and i'm coming up empty?

54. a book with the best opening line

i don't have a good memory for opening lines ^^; however for some reason i want to say The Lightning Thief, so. that's what i'm going with.

79. a book that reminds you of your favorite song

my favorite song changes by the moment, so i don't have answer for this one ^^;

92. a book about a redeemable villain

kay, so i almost answered this question with the book i gave for the next question, but i realized i don't? read a lot of multi pov books?? or at least not that i remember being such. i did remember one but it was the second in a duology, so.

so.

anyway!

the closest i can think of atm would be Empress of Forever by Max Gladstone. (highly rec this one, though i was a little disappointed when the pairing i wanted didn't happen xD)

116. a book with multiple povs

The Stars Are Legion by Kameron Hurley.

this book.

i.

woof.

okay, so. if you are. remotely squeamish, like. at all? you might wanna give this one a pass. (def check storygraph / other places for trigger warnings. im also happy to elaborate myself, lol.) i am. very squeamish, and made it through only because the story grabbed me tight and wouldn't let go. the worldbuilding is extremely interesting. the characters are all very different and both likeable and unlikeable in a million different ways. but.

oh boy, it was a tough one.

if you're NOT squeamish, though--

it was a 4 or 5 star read for me, iirc, so, y'know. recommended. not sure i'll ever pick it up again, but like. do not regret reading.

130. a book featuring flashbacks and/or intersecting storylines

i know i've read others like this, but the book that comes to mind is--and i had to google this bc it's been so long since i read it---Thirst by Christopher Pike. It was also published under "The Last Vampire." i don't actually recommend them; i read them during my middle school vampire phase and even i remembered being a little mindboggled. mainly bc i think there was an alien abduction in... the second or third book? idk, i had an omnibus.

131. recommend any book you like!

there's only one answer i can give to this, tbh. the locked tomb series brainrot is real and deep and i am. both highly anticipating and dreading the release of alecto so.

i gotta recommend Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir.

that SAID, i am well aware that this book has a reputation on tumblr esp for being poorly summarized, as the most oft-used pitch is "lesbian necromancers in space."

this is not an inaccurate summary.

BUT.

it is also not complete.

so first, some expectations: it's sci-fi, definitely, but also there are a lot of fantasy vibes? probably because of the swords and the necromancy and the sworn knights-esque plot. uh. basically, it's sci-fi like star wars is sci-fi, but also it's. it's not star wars.

second thing: this series is unreliable narrator central. tamsyn picks the least qualified person in the group for you to follow the story with, and it works. so well. like, firstly bc ofc things get explained (some; it does drop you in and expect you to pick up a lot through context clues) but ALSO because you WILL pick up things you didn't on re-reads. i did a reread before Nona and spent half of it screaming. i'm not much of an annotator beyond highlighting some lines on kindle but i was commenting all over the place.

uh.

i still haven't talked about the plot, my bad.

Gideon the Ninth follows the titular Gideon, after her childhood nemesis and heir to the Ninth House, is invited to the First House by the God Emperor of the Nine Houses to seek quasi-immortality and join him in fighting a war as old as the Houses themselves. When they get there, though, they soon find their fellow heir-and-cavalier pairs being picked off one by one.

this book also features a lot of gay... not pining, not really, but like. Gideon likes women and her pov spends a lot of time appreciating the other women with them xD (this is also part of what makes her unreliable as a narrator. plot? what plot? gideon is here for thirsting, and a little bit of pining.)

also mild enemies to lovers vibes.

ALSO there are memes. there's a none pizza left beef joke in book 2, i'm still not over it.

does get a little squicky at times with loving descriptions of bones and viscera, though.

if i keep talking about this book i won't ever stop <3

[ book recs ask game ]

[avawithflava]

talking about books i’ve read in 2022 (january)

i’m writing this in order to keep myself accountable. i enjoy sharing the books i’ve read and i hope that this will help me with that. i hit my goal of 50 books in 2022 in early april and have only read 7 books since then, so i’ve hit a little bit of a wall. hopefully this will encourage me to read more in the coming months. 

january

1. The Hating Game - Sally Thorne (jan 1 -  jan 1)

I read this in one day because i wanted to start 2022 off right. I had also just gotten the book a few days prior to reading it so i was very excited. I was also looking forward to watching the movie because i LOVE lucy hale, and i have ever since i started watching pretty little liars. after reading this book i gave it 4.5 stars, but in retrospect, i don’t think that’s actually what it is. maybe 4 stars or a 3.75 if we want to get more specific. There were definitely other books that I enjoyed more that I gave lower star counts. i’ll be more specific regarding it later when those books show up later.

2-6. The Mindf*ck Series - ST Abby (jan 5 - jan 6)

this is the first of a very common occurrence where i see books that sound interesting on my tiktok for you page then i rush to kindle unlimited and read them without looking into them at all. however, if you choose to pick up this series based on this tumblr post, i beg you, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE look at the TW’s of this book. our main character, lana, has TONS of traumatic things happen to her, and it’s honestly all very graphic. the website storygraph is a fantastic site that has a ton of content warnings for most books. i’m not one to get triggered by the stories i read, but this did make my stomach hurt a little while reading and even now, almost seven months later, my stomach is twisting as i think about the things that happen in this book. the way this book was advertised to me was a serial killer starts a relationship and falls in love with the man who is leading the case to find her. I gave this series ratings from 3.5-4 stars. the first three stories received 3.5 stars and the last two received 4 stars. i read these books so quickly because not only are they ~100 pages but they had the best cliffhangers i’ve read in my ENTIRE life. I would finish one and immediately pick up the next book because i needed to read it. another tip: don’t read at night. anyway, if you pick this up, at least take a GLANCE at the TW’s. stay safe people.

7. She Drives Me Crazy - Kelly Quindlen ( jan 8 - jan 8)

this is a sapphic romance about our main characters scottie and irene who play basketball and do cheerleading, respectively. after a game one night, one of them back into the other, their mothers come up with the great idea that they should carpool to school. oh and did i mention that they’re self proclaimed enemies? scottie eventually realizes that she can make her ex jealous if she pretends to date irene, thus fake dating ensues. i bet you can guess the rest. i enjoyed this book thoroughly, i found scottie to be relatable for reasons that are spoiler-ish. i gave this a 4.5 stars and i think that’s still pretty accurate. i had an enjoyable reading experience, and if anything were to happen with this book, ie. a sequel or a movie. i’d enjoy those things too. plus i love a redhead main character because i… love redheads?

8. Playing the Palace - Paul Rudnick (jan 3 - jan 13)

i honestly cannot tell you want this book is about or even our main character’s names. the only reasons that i picked up this book is because i saw it at target a while back and was obsessed with the watercolorish portraits of our main characters AND during new years i watched young royals with THREW me into a royalty fascination and i absorbed any and all media involving royalty. INCLUDING writing my own novel regarding royalty that i wrote in almost a month WHILE having rehearsals for my school’s musicals four days a week afterschool. however, at the time of reading i gave this book a 3.5 stars but it’s honestly a lot lower than that, probably. harsh but the truth, I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER THE CHARACTERS??? oopie daisie.

DNF 1. The Road Trip - Beth O’Leary (jan 17)

this was the first book i started during a 24 hour readathon i did. and it was not my thing. i’m not a fan of second chance romances and this was the most second chance romance i’ve ever tried to read. i’m sure if that is your type of story than you’ll probably like this story. I like beth’s writing style, at least i did back in march of 2020 when i read The Flatshare by her. anyway, i had things to do and books to read, which resulted in me dnfing this book.

9. Perfect on Paper - Sophie Gonzales (jan 17 - jan 17)

this is the 1st of three full books that i read during my 24 hour readathon. this book had incredible bi representation and i think that’s very important. bi people are still bi even if they end up with a person of the opposite gender. very very important. after reading this book i gave it 4 stars, BUT this is one of books mentioned earlier that i liked more than The Hating Game but rated lower. it’s probably closer to 4.5 or 4.75 if we’re getting more specific. I really enjoyed this book, the plot was interesting. I don’t really remember ALL of the details, but i remember the main points. 

10. Never Kiss Your Roommate - Philline Harms (jan 17 - jan 17)

second book that i read during my readathon! i loved this book. i love sapphic characters and i love the boarding school setting. i would never want to go to a boarding school but like the having a roommate and then falling in love with them aesthetic? uh yeah sign me up. if you have any recommendations about book where two roommates falling, please let me know. i will take them. I loved the characters and i loved the plot. there’s this stigma against wattpad books and it is NOT welcome here. i’ve been on wattpad for… probably too many years. and i’ve written many stories, many of them not going that far. I know how hard it is to have a successful story on that site and to have one be so well liked that wattpad chooses to publish it. ESPECIALLY when the characters are original and people are less likely to find it while searching for a certain ship that they like. I have a respect for Philline and every other author who originated on wattpad. this book is a five stars, without a doubt in my mind. 5 stars for NKYR.

11. Heartstopper - Alice Oseman (jan 17 - jan 17)

the final book that i read during my readathon. i love alice, i think everyone does at this point, especially after the release of the show. this was my third (recorded) reread of the graphic novels. i read all the novels but i told myself if i read any manga or graphic novels i would only count the first one towards my reading goal. i read these back frequently. this is my biggest comfort series and i find so much comfort reading about the pure and real love between nick and charlie. 5 stars forever and always.

12. Go Ask Alice - Beatrice Sparks (jan 29 - jan 29)

I don’t know what actually possessed me to read this. i learned about it in a paperbackdreams video (i went to look for it so that i could link it, but it seems that the video has been privated/unlisted.) she was doing a week long reading challenge and one of the prompts was to read and watch a book and it’s movie adaptation. i heard about it then and i guess i just picked it up one day. once again read TW’s for this book. it’s told via Alice’s diary entries and it’s sick, all the things that happened to her. i’m pretty sure that it book is supposed to be religious propaganda? i think that’s a little clear in the way that this was written. i gave this 2 stars. it was a quick read and i didn’t hate it. it just made me sad and made me feel meh.

13. The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald (jan 12 - jan 31)

i’ve read this twice this year but i am only counting the first time i read it. i knew that i was going to have to read it for my english class and reading stuff for school automatically makes me not want to read it so i was being proactive. i gave it 2 stars on my first read. i was just like, who cares?? blah blah blah rich white people with their first world problems. but then when i reread in april, i picked up on so many more things than i originally did. i think it got upped to a 3 with the reread. picking up on more of the details in books really makes them more enjoyable… who knew?

and those are all the books i read in january! as we go on, the months will combine as i read less. i don’t think anybody really cares, but i just did this to get my mind off of things. i’m grieving a loss and i don’t really have anybody who’ll understand because the one person who might is away for the time being. so i more just did this for me. thank you for indulging me and reading if you did. if you want to keep up to date with what i’m reading at the moment, feel free to add me on goodreads, i always accept friend requests! :)

[cheegu3]

~ Yandere Jaemin - The jester ~

[hi babies, this is one part of my nct fairytale series this one based on Alice in wonderland with jaemin <3, it had influence from both the original book and the book by marissa meyer centred in the universe + a lil of my own stuff]

I love alice in wonderland and jaemin so I’m so sorry how long this is lmao also yes I did write all of this on the same day ;-;

wc: 3.6k

summary : you live in wonderland, and everything is normal until a stranger shows up - a jester who says he’s looking for you, he seems innocent and sweet but is he really?

TW / trigger warning: yandere themes, mentions of - violence, murder, swearing, blood/gore, 18+ (suggestive), etc

The yearly mock festival was coming to an end. Humans and creatures alike were slowly making their way to the stairs and to the comfort of their homes. A stranger was also making their way over but not to his home, to the crowd. He slipped through it unnoticed and stopped, bowing in front of the queen.

She looked at him in curiosity but also in fascination. He was very much used to this, having people stare at his beauty and the way he presented himself - elegant and cocky. 

‘‘ My majesty. I come to seek refuge in your town ‘‘ the stranger said.

The queen raised her eyebrow at him and waved at the deck of cards close by, almost stumbling over their own feet in fear of displeasing the queen. 

‘‘ Show this gorgeous stranger that empty house ‘‘ the queen demanded to the cards in a shrill voice.

‘‘ Yes ma’am. Come this way! ‘‘ they answered in union.

The stranger followed them in silence but kept his distance. They went far and near, up and down the crossroads and curvy paths until they reached a small cottage. It was far from the other houses and the village but he liked it immediately.

‘‘ Here we are sir! ‘‘ the cards exclaimed in union again and turned like robots ready to go back the way they came and serve the queen, it was all they knew after all.

‘‘ Excuse me ‘‘ the stranger had had one thing and one thing only on his mind throughout the whole trip there.

The reason he was here in the first place

You

‘‘ Do you happen to know where...y/n is? ‘‘

The deck of cards looked baffled, one of them even chuckled.

‘‘ y/n? Why would you want to see her sir, she’s so very eh- ‘‘ one said

‘‘ -mad ‘‘ another filled in.

‘‘ Who are you anyway? ‘‘ said another

‘‘ Jaemin, I’m a jester from far far away ‘‘ he said with clenched teeth, growing impatient at the lack of answer he was getting.

‘‘ Why would you like to see her? ‘‘ said one

‘‘ She’s not special ‘‘ said yet another

‘‘ I have to ‘‘ he said firmly and was now clenching his fist.

‘‘ She’s not far from here sir. She lives in the cottage opposite this forest ‘‘ said one card with cloves on his front.

‘‘ Thank you ‘‘ Jaemin exclaimed in relief and watched as the deck of cards turned and walked down the path.

On the outside it looked like an old cottage like any other, with broken windows and an overgrown garden. The jester wasn’t surprised, they must’ve given him the most ugly and worn out house since he was still a stranger but with a few snaps of his fingers, the inside would look a lot better than the outside.

As he had finished snapping his fingers three times he saw the familiar white cloud in the window but before he walked in he had to check around the area. He thought he heard the rustling of leaves and twigs being broken.

Looking to his right, he saw in the distance how a girl was walking towards him. Instinctively his heart started to beat faster because what if it was you? The girl was wearing a dress which was blue and she had a white apron tightly wrapped around her which was full of flour. In her right hand she was holding a basket filled with something and her hair shone bright in the sunlight that was peeking through the thick trees above.

// YOUR POV //

You were just about to walk past your favourite abandoned cabin when you noticed, it was no longer abandoned. A handsome young man, about the same age as yourself was standing outside it. You being all alone though, this far out from other people made you scared so you kept your head down right when you passed by him.

‘‘ Hey! ‘‘ you sighed in disappointment, all too often creepy men or creatures would try to stop you and flirt which made you very uncomfortable.

You tried to put on a fake smile before you turned to face him.

‘‘ Hi! ‘‘

‘‘ You’re y/n ‘‘ he stated.

You probably looked very confused to the stranger. How did he know your name? In this wide land, you were a nobody and this random man you just stumbled upon seems to know who you are - by the look of his curious brown eyes studying you - maybe he even knew everything about you.

‘‘ Yes..sir. Can I help you? ‘‘ you asked hesitantly and wanted to punch yourself for sounding so small and helpless.

The boy took some time to answer, suddenly looking a bit nervous the way he fumbled with his hands.

‘‘ Oh, I just. I’m your new neighbour, Jaemin. The cards said I might meet a young woman here who lived close by ‘‘ 

Shit, you were really too paranoid sometimes, this was just a harmless boy who had moved in right next to you.  

‘‘ Oh! Yes of course ‘‘ you smiled at him with more genuine warmth now           

 ‘‘ Welcome to the neighbourhood then I suppose ‘‘

They boy nodded and chuckled. He was very attractive, and you were pretty sure he knew it. Tall, dark and handsome with puppy like brown eyes and fluffy hair. He had a defined nose and rosy lips that matched his smooth and beautiful skin. But the most attractive thing about him, to you, was the way he carried himself. 

That smile could just about make any girl fall for him, maybe even worship him. As he stood there looking at you become entranced with his beauty you began to wonder if he was using magic on you so you put your guard up again slightly.

‘‘ Thank you. I hope to see you around, where do you work? ‘‘ he asked and you almost bit your lip at the look he was giving you, it was very intense and his smile yet again so charming.

‘‘ Oh! ‘‘ you exclaimed suddenly, you had forgotten to answer and had just stared at him getting completely lost. You saw him smirking at this.

‘‘ I-I work at the bakery in town, hence- ‘‘ you gestured to your flour dusted apron and dress with a sad smile.

He laughed heartily but assured you,

‘‘ You look fine, trust me ‘‘

You smiled shyly in response. It felt like he was kind of flirting, he was giving you that look again that both turned you on and made you creeped out, it said

I know everything about you 

Nevertheless if that was the case, you felt very much intrigued with this new stranger and you didn’t want him to be a stranger for long.

‘‘ I suppose I’ll see you around then ‘‘ you said suddenly when the tension had built up even more and you started remembering all the responsibilities you had at your work.

It felt like you had been here for about an hour and you had muffins to bake and customers to please.

‘‘ I suppose you will ‘‘ he answered with an amused glint in his eyes.

You decided to turn even though your body and heart really wanted to stay. Your intuition and head however won over the battle inside you and told you to get the fuck away from him.

You kept your back turned as you made you way past the mysterious boy. You had a feeling that he was still watching you as you went, eyes never leaving you and it freaked you out a little, making you shudder.

The rest of the day went on as if it was like any other day. Tons of baking and getting your hands dirty, chatty customers and delicious desserts. By the end of the long workday your muscles were aching. You cleaned up and did your usual routine of locking up the store when everyone had left.

Usually you wouldn’t think twice about walking home in the dark, your bakery closed at midnight so it was way past sunset. It was practically pitch black outside and no one was on the streets, they were all at home probably sound asleep. For some reason the queen had decided that all houses be soundproof in the village. So the fear was increasing when you thought about the stranger, the dark and walking home alone because if something happened no one would help you - they wouldn’t hear you scream or hear you cry out for help.

You turned the key that locked the bakery with shaky hands but tried to compose yourself. You had a very odd and naive thought in your head,

If I don’t get attacked tonight I can trust Jaemin

It truly didn’t make any sense but just about every cell in your body wanted to trust him, and wanted him to like you, like the way you were so attracted to him.

‘‘ y/n? ‘‘ a voice behind you said interrupting your thoughts.

You shrieked and jumped in surprise, throwing your arms up in some pathetic attempt at defence in case you’d need it.

‘‘ It’s just me, your neighbour ‘‘ 

You lowered your arms and smiled at him apologetically.

‘‘ Sorry ‘‘

‘‘ Don’t be I get it. It’s dark, no one’s around and I just startled you like that, I should be the one to apologise ‘‘ 

‘‘ No no, it’s just that I don’t like walking home in the dark ‘‘ you assured him, now feeling really guilty.

‘‘ I can walk you home ‘‘ he offered with a friendly smile.

You were silent for a bit, thinking to yourself before making up your mind.

‘‘ Yeah, I’d like that. Thank you ‘‘ you returned back the smile even though you still felt a bit uncomfortable.

Jaemin joined your side and waited for you to step away from the shop and decide the pace.

You walked in silence beside each other. You felt a bit nervous, not really being sure if you were supposed to start a conversation or not but then it dawned upon you, why the fuck was he alone there in the village anyway?

You glanced at him quickly to see if it would give you a clue to this mystery but he looked as he always did, nothing was different. So you decided to drop it and thankfully you didn’t have much more time to overthink about it because your house had now appeared in sight. 

He still had a chance to take you if he wanted to, it was dark, quiet and no neighbours were close except for well...conveniently enough, him. But he didn’t. He kept his distance all the way up to the house and stepped back when you got up on the porch.

‘‘ Thank you ‘‘

‘‘ My pleasure miss ‘‘ he said with the same amused glint in his eyes.

You turned around and walked in, closing the door and locking it. Well inside you leaned on the door allowing yourself to calm down a bit. 

He didn’t do anything

You shrugged and went upstairs, getting ready for bed and falling asleep not long after your head touched the pillow.

-

The next day he was the first thing you thought about in the morning before you jumped to your feet and rushed to put on your clothes and get to work.

You broke into a sprint constantly mumbling fuck to yourself and basically bursting in the bakery. The few customers inside and the cashier you had hired looked at you in shock. 

You stopped for a bit to catch your breath before explaining, still out of breath to the cashier.

‘‘ The-Ball-I-Have-To-Bake ‘‘ you managed to press out between every breath.

The cashier gasped and immediately left the desk.

‘‘ I’ll bring you the ingredients ‘‘

You swallowed and nodded to the customers when you walked past them disappearing into the back room where you did your magic. 

You put down your stuff and put on your apron already in action when the cashier came in, put the ingredients on the table and hurried out again.

You ended up making several pastries and cakes to the queen’s liking and by the end - about six hours of straight baking, you were so exhausted you decided not to go to the ball.

The cashier peeked her head in about an hour before it was to start.

‘‘ I’ll send these up? ‘‘ she walked up to the finished products and you just nodded at her, drying off the sweat that had formed on your forehead. 

After that you spent the rest of the hour leading up to the ball cleaning up all the mess you had created.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

You sighed, it was already closed but you have had to deal with customers knocking anyway wanting treats when you weren’t open. You put down your cleaning supplies and hurried to the door. Through the glass door you saw the outline of your neighbour.

‘‘ Jaemin? ‘‘

He shook his head and tutted at your state when you opened the door.

‘‘ Do I really look that bad? ‘‘ you said and glanced down quickly.

‘‘ For a ball, yes. Otherwise, no you look exceptional ‘‘ he said

You snorted at his flirty comment.

‘‘ I’m not going, too busy ‘‘ 

‘‘ What? No way. I won’t let that happen ‘‘ 

You turned to face him again, having walked up behind the desk to count today’s money. He leaned over the desk and tried to give you his puppy eyes.

‘‘ I can’t go like this Jaemin, sorry ‘‘ you said and shrugged your shoulders.

He scrunched his nose and stopped trying to use his puppy eyes on you now.

‘‘ I have magic ‘‘ he tilted his head when he saw this caught your attention.

‘‘ Really? You’re a jester? ‘‘ you rolled your eyes.

‘‘ What, is it not cool enough for miss or something? ‘‘ he jumped over the counter effortlessly and was now standing very close to you, closer than he’d ever been before.

They way he was towering over you basically looking down on you made you chuckle unexpectedly. 

‘‘ Yeah sure it’s cool enough I guess ‘‘ you answered playfully attempting to push him out the way so you could walk past.

He put his arm out, not letting you.

‘‘ Do you use it a lot on the ladies? ‘‘ you added and held the eye-contact

He snickered and made a very cute expression which made your heart melt.

‘‘ Of course. Every time ‘‘ he said sarcastically ‘‘ Now, will you let me ‘‘ he waved to your messy state.

‘‘ I guess why not ‘‘ you said and closed your eyes.

When it was silent for a few seconds you opened them again and you saw white clouds surrounding you all around, when it had cleared and disappeared completely you could finally see his work.

You were wearing a champagne coloured silk dress that was quite tight at the top with spaghetti straps and flowed out at the bottom, highlighting your curves. Looking at you hands, they as well were polished and clean and you hair was in a sleek ponytail, feeling as if it had been washed.

‘‘ I’m impressed ‘‘ you said at last when you noticed his worried expression, anxiously waiting for your opinion.

He exhaled deeply.

‘‘ Thank god ‘‘

You giggled at his cuteness.

‘‘ Shall we go? ‘‘

‘‘ Certainly ‘‘ he answered and extended his arm for you to take.

The walk this time was also pretty quiet, the castle wasn’t too far away you could already see it from here but you just couldn’t help yourself,

‘‘ Hey Jaemin? ‘‘

‘‘ Yeah ‘‘

‘‘ What were you doing so late at night in the village yesterday? ‘‘ 

Although you didn’t look at him, you could feel him get a bit uncomfortable.

‘‘ Browsing I guess ‘‘ it was your turn to feel uncomfortable now, all the stores closed a lot earlier than your bakery and everyone in town knew that but he hastily added, ‘‘ The villagers told me your bakery closed very late so I thought I’d go by and buy something. Unfortunately it was closed though ‘‘ he laughed and looked down shyly when you looked at him in surprise.

‘‘ Why’s that, horrible sweet-tooth? ‘‘ you said

‘‘ No, just wanted to support my neighbour. That’s all ‘‘

You nodded and felt a bit guilty for being suspicious of him. If your guards hadn’t been down before they sure were now, basically in hell. You felt incredibly comfortable and at ease with Jaemin and you did for a moment think you were starting to fall in love with him. 

This feeling would arise again when you had finally reached the castle and were greeted by the white rabbit.

‘‘ Invitations and names please ‘‘ he said in a stressed voice, his eyes all the time looking back and forth, darting between guests.

The jester gave the rabbit one of his charming smiles and you watched as he interacted with other people, even that was attractive, god what was wrong with you?

He fixed everything for the two of you, showing both of your invitations and names and you leant back letting someone else do the work for the first time in your life. It was nice, this weird feeling of being taken cared of.

He took your hand when the rabbit let you through and he lead you towards the dessert table. You raised your eyebrow at him when he started basically inhaling entire pastries of yours.

‘‘ I have to see how talented you are ‘‘ he defended himself when he saw your judging look. 

You rolled your eyes and waited for him to finish, eyeing the other guests as you did. When he finally was done - after eating half the table you noticed - he dragged you out on the dance floor. 

It was a slow song. You gave him a shy look, not sure if you wanted him to see how much you liked loved him or for onlookers to see that either for that matter. But he insisted, pulling you close to him and starting to rock slowly to the beat of the music. He gave you a big childish grin and you laughed, starting to move as well and letting you be drowned in this feeling. 

It felt like it truly was just you and him in this world, and he would protect you and love you forever. He could do you no harm, he was amazing. 

You probably radiated these feelings through the lovingly eyes you were giving him and he looked at you the same way. Everyone else faded away and it felt like you were in a fairytale, just how magical it all felt...until it didn’t,

The music was abruptly stopped and murmuring filled the hall. You didn’t have the energy to worry about it so you leaned your head again Jaemin’s chest feeling sleepy. In the distance through your dazed eyes you saw the white rabbit approach you, until he wasn’t very blurry anymore, he was clear and right in front of you clearing his throat. 

‘‘ Miss you need to come with me right now ‘‘ the rabbit said in a shaky voice.

‘’ Hm? ‘‘ you said sleepily not yet leaving Jaemin’s arms.

‘‘ What’s going on? ‘‘ Jaemin said in a worriedly.

‘‘ It’s uh, something very terrible has happened to her parents sir ‘‘ the rabbit looked down on the ground under the intense stare of the jester.

‘‘ Let’s go, y/n ‘‘ he whispered to you gently and took your hand.

You had no idea what was going on but followed like a lost puppy. The rabbit lead you to a carriage which you were put in and sent off. It stopped outside your parents house, a mansion closer to Jaemin’s house than it was your own - on the outskirts of town. 

‘‘ Wait here. I’ll see what’s wrong ‘‘ he said and stepped out.

Your head felt heavy, like you’d fall into eternal sleep any minute now - that’s how tired you felt, like you hadn’t slept for decades.

‘‘ y/n dear? ‘‘ the carriage door opened again and two hands extended to take your weight. You walked up to it, staggering and let yourself be lifted down.

Everything was a bit blurry but you could make out the familiar outline of your parents on the ground. They were in front of their front door and they didn’t seem to be moving. Blood was flowing out from their necks and their limbs were twisted in weird, unnatural angles.

Oh

This must’ve been the terrible thing the rabbit had been talking about...

You tried to walk towards your parents but your foot hit something. You looked down and jumped back in surprise. It was another body, no - you looked around, it was several bodies of the guards.

‘‘ What happened to them? ‘‘ you asked Jaemin in a horrified voice.

‘‘ I don’t know ‘‘ he said and bit his lip, lowering his raised right hand and entwining his left one with yours.

‘‘ Look at me y/n ‘‘

You turned to look at him, starting to feel a bit overwhelmed and scared of everything going on. You felt crazy, like you had no idea what was real and what wasn’t.

‘‘ You and I, we’re gonna live together. Far far away from here and we will be happy forever because you love me right? Say it! ‘‘ he roared the last words but you weren’t scared. You just looked at him with loving eyes.

‘‘ I love you ‘‘ you said like a robot, 

completely entranced 

you were his 

forever

[nepenthendline]

S/O that self-harms and has an eating disorder -  Tsukishima, Tendou and Sugawara

TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD: SELF HARM AND EATING DISORDERS

I’m dumb and accidentally posted this half done so thats why the requests are in screenshots 

I’ve added these two requests together as they’re about the same topic. Firstly I just wanted to let anon though that I’m absolutely fine writing about these topics so you don’t need to worry! I will, however, make it extremely clear on these posts about the trigger warnings and I won’t go into intense detail so that it’s more accessible, I hope that’s ok! And thank you for your lovely words! 🥰🥰 I have added trigger warning tags for those who need to blacklist this, but please please let me know if you need me to add any others

I know there are so many people who are struggling with these issues, especially at the moment with covid, I’ve been there too and I’m still dealing with these things myself so I want you to know that if you need to talk to someone, or you’d like an emergency request, then my askbox and messages are always open. You are not alone, you are not ‘strange’ for dealing with these things, and I promise you things will get better, I’m already proud of any progress you have made and you should be too. It’s ok to have worse days and to fall back into negative spaces, you’re human!

Also, these will be following my own mental health hcs of these guys that I’ve already posted so check that out first!

Tsukishima:

Tsukishima is the one who understands this the most

he’s been there, he’s struggled with those things and he is still fighting

if you didn’t tell him upfront about your struggles, he would have easily found out by himself quite quickly

since he has been through it himself, he knows the warning signs to look out for, so when you start covering your arms more often even with the hotter weather, or make a passing comment that you aren’t hungry at meal times, he knows it’s his time to step up as a support system

he isn’t going to be particularly forward about it, he’s not the type to come up to you out of the blue and ask questions because he knows some of them can’t be answered, so he takes things into his own hands

he spends more quiet time with you, just the two of you cuddling in your bed as he brushes his fingers over your body

while it may seem like a usual calming display of affection, he is really searching your body for any marks or wounds that are new

he tries to coax your feelings and worries out of you, telling you that you can trust him and that he isn’t going to run away

he knows that he can’t expect you to open up without him doing so either, so he lays himself out for you

he tells you what he has been through, he shows you the scars on his body, he lets you into his heart and his head so that you know you aren’t alone

once you both spill your stories, you don’t talk about it much after that, you both know what is going on so it’s just a matter of taking care of each other

regarding food, he isn’t going to force you to eat huge meals, because he has a small appetite even when he’s eating perfectly fine

but he is going to try and get you eating little amounts consistently throughout the day

you don’t want to eat a full meal? that’s fine, but he is going to be passing you little snacks every few hours so that you at least have some fuel in your body

he’s a smart guy, he knows how the body functions at its best and he will do his best to teach you too in hopes that knowing what your body needs and how it reacts to certain situations will aid you to treat it better

he’s not going to wrap you up in bubblewrap and shield you from the world either, but he will do his best to make sure that there isn’t anything you can easily hurt yourself with in your reach

he’ll put sharp objects on the top shelves, saying it’s just to piss you off about your height

he also always keeps a first aid kit on him in case of emergencies, something he has gotten into the habit of over the last few years

he’s not going to sit there and tell you everything is going to be perfect or to just ‘get over it’, it’s going to be a long process with both of you learning and fluctuating every day, but you’ll both get there eventually

Tendou:

Tendou is extremely attentive, he knows exactly when your mood has changed or if something is wrong

he’ll leave it for a little while to see if you’ll come to him yourself, but if you don’t, then he’ll start asking questions

they start off as simple, casual questions to check up on you, like ‘how are you feeling today?’, ‘how was your day today?’, before they go into specifics if he feels like you aren’t being honest with him

he’s the type of guy that makes ‘jokes’ about his depression, even going as far as joking about suicide or self-harm, and when he notices you flinch ever so slightly at his words, he knew what was going on

he brings it up one day as if talking about the weather while reading manga together

“you’ve been hurting your own body, haven’t you?”

he tries to keep the conversations a light-hearted as possible, saying how you are now ‘scar buddies’ as he lifts up his shorts to show you his thighs

he understands that what he says isn’t really going to do much, but he’s still going to shower you with compliments and affection in the hopes that it brightens your mood and distracts you even a little

distraction is his main way of helping you - if he can keep you busy then there’s less chance of you hurting yourself in his eyes

he’s going to call you over or turn up to your room unannounced with a book in hand to read together, or invite you to cuddle with him as you have an anime binge session, he also wants to make sure you’re getting outside enough so walks to get ice-cream and sit in the park happen frequently

he knows he can’t ‘cure’ you or actually make things better, so he mentions about seeing a therapist if you aren’t already and he will support you every step of the journey if you do decide to seek help

like Tsukishima, he also has a smaller appetite in general so he doesn’t expect you to eat tons

he uses prompts often to try and get you to eat more, such as “babyyyy I’m hungry, let’s go down to the cafeteria together and get some food ok?” or “I bought this jumbo pack of ramen but I can’t eat it all myself, come give me a hand?”

he likes getting you sweet treats too, they often make him feel a little perkier so he hopes they will for you as well

he isn’t going to give them any details, but he will ask his team to keep an eye on you if he isn’t around

he likes to use rating systems with you to determined how you’re doing in the day, whether that be on a scale of 1-10, or texting him a particular emoji that signals if you’re having a bad day

he will never get mad or annoyed at you if you relapse, he understands its a journey that will have it’s ups and downs, but he always reminds you of how far you’ve come and how proud he is

Sugawara:

out of these three boys, Sugawara is the one who understands this the least

he’s never dealt with this issues himself, and he has never been around those who have besides those who struggle with anxiety

even though he can’t empathise, he is naturally an extremely caring person so he wants to do his best to understand

he reads up on self-harm and eating disorders to learn about how they originate, how to notice warning signs and what he can do to help you best

he comes to you a lot as well, asking if there is anything he should know or that he can do for you

while he may not notice these issues themselves straight away, he is always checking up on you in general so he can tell if there is something a little off

it breaks his heart to know that you intentionally harm yourself and it takes him a little while to wrap his head around it

he knows he can’t do much to help the issues you face directly, so he makes sure you are keeping up with more general self-care, such as showering, getting some little exercise everyday, indulging in your hobbies and talking to him and other friends

if you need to rely on him for a little while you’re trying to get back on your feet then that’s fine with him, he is more than happy to remind you to do things to take care of yourself and help you do them too

Sugawara is the most forward when it comes to you getting help from a doctor or therapist

he has a couple serious talks with you about how you need to find a method of battling this, whether that be therapy or medication

as much as he wants to be, he can’t take this away from you

he starts stocking his bag with emergency items too, things like bandages, healing ointment or any safe foods that you can eat

to help your eating, he does his best to make food become part of your regular routine in hopes that it will make eating become more familiar and less daunting

this means regular meal times and creating lists of safe foods with you that you feel you can eat better than others

he will do his best to make sure all your meals have the right nutrients for your body and also recommend you take vitamin supplements daily in case you have a bad eating day and cannot get them through your food

it frustrates him that he can’t do more for you, or that he can’t understand exactly how you feel, but he never shows you that

he will always have his arms open for you if you need support and he will never ever blame you for the struggles you deal with, he reminds you constantly that there will be better days and he is going to be with you through all of them

[juminsmysticmc]

RFA + Minor trio with a Mc who practices to do hair because she got the notice that she will have a daughter

As May is the month of the family ( in the most countries, included Korea!) I woke up with a message from @brendascorner who told me that this month she would most likely correct my ,,family’’ - writings, so here we are! I hope you guys enjoy and maybe you wanna tell me what special days you guys have in your country?  

Jumin

Your husband hated himself that he was late, late for this special day and moment to find out the gender of the fruit of his love with you.

But unfortunately, the shareholders meeting couldn’t get delayed.

As soon as it was over, he grabbed his jacket to rush towards the garage where apparently Driver Kim was waiting for him to bring him to the hospital where you were having your check up.

Jumin tried to call you, however, you didn’t respond, making him kind of scared that something happened to you. Were you still waiting? 

Did you get bad news? 

Worse, were you angry with him? 

Not knowing what to do, he called one of the guards who were supposed to be with you who then told him that after the check up, they brought you to a shop. You bought some things and returned home safely, not coming out of the room. 

Jumin was worried. If you really were home, were you perhaps really angry with him?

As soon as he arrived he walked into his penthouse. He was out of breath as he moved so quickly to get to you.

,,Oh, you’re home?’’ you asked him as you turned your head around to his direction, observing him as he took off his shoes and walked on the cold floor with his socks on to get to you.

,,Is everything okay? Why didn’t you respond to your call? Are you angry at me?’’ he asked you tons of questions.

Just now, he realized that you were doing the hair of a puppy you probably bought today.

,,Huh?’’ he asked you, pointing at whatever you were doing.

But then he understood…

,,Is it… a girl?’’ he whispered.

,,Mr Han, you need to study too,’’ you laughed and kissed his cheek before you were hugged by him.

Zen

,,As your manager, I don’t allow you to miss rehearsal,’’ you told him as you were on your way to the doctor.

,,And as your boyfriend, I don’t want you to go there alone! Besides, I want to find out with you!’’ he whined.

The problem was that your appointment was the same day as his rehearsal for his big debut and if he missed this chance, he wouldn’t be able to keep working in that agency.

That’s why, even though you wished he would come with you, you didn’t want him to come along. He had to work so he could soon achieve his big dream.

,,I mean, you need to work for this baby. What should I tell him or her? Daddy wasn’t working hard enough for his dream?’’ you asked him. Now you could make him change his mind.

,,Besides,’’ you whispered as you went on the tip of your toes before you told him. ,,I want to surprise you with a gender reveal!’’

And finally Zen let you go.

While you kept rubbing your already swollen belly, you stepped in and the news she told you gave you the best idea to tell Zen the gender of your baby…

,,Can you please tell me?!’’ Zen whined as you led him to the table to make him sit down on a chair.

You stayed silent and without a word, you sat behind him and began to brush his long white hair.

You brushed it from the ends to the roots and then you began to braid his hair, inserting some flowers and some barrettes.

Zen stayed silent as you did his hair. He actually enjoyed the touch of your fingers, his hair between your soft touch. Actually, it tickled a bit on his head.

When you were finally ready, you showed him the back of his hair with a mirror.

,,Mc, this looks cute, but can you please finally tell me what the doc said?’’ he sighed, actually liking what you did.

,,Well, she said that I should practice doing hair,’’ you laughed.

Suddenly, it clicked in his mind and as he turned around to you, his eyes already wet with tears.

,,No…’’

,,Yes,’’ you laughed.

,,It’s- a girl? What if… if someone wants to marry her?’’ he whined, hugging you as he sobbed in happiness, making you laugh.

Yoosung

,,I don’t wanna know it,’’ Yoosung whined as he helped you to get the steps up.

He was overprotective, almost annoyingly overprotective, but it was also a part of him you liked.

,,But I want to know,’’ you told him.

,,Okay, then you get to know and I don’t?’’ Yoosung asked you, pointing as he thought how unfair you were being.

The topic was that Yoosung wanted to have a surprise. He didn’t want to know your baby's gender. He thought that buying pink or blue clothes for babies was just unnecessary and so he wanted to have a big surprise.

You thought this was a good idea. No one said that your son couldn’t wear pink rompers, but you still wanted to know the sex of the baby you were carrying.

,,I want to think of names, I want to prepare the nursery, I want to do a baby book and add those memories. If you don’t wanna know, I won’t tell you!’’ you told him and finally opened the door of the doctor’s office.  

And that’s why, as soon as the doctor said that he would check the sex, Yoosung decided to go out of the room.

But of course he couldn’t hide his excitement and nervousness.

As soon as you stepped out, your clothes now in the right place, he approached you.

,,What did he say?’’ he indeed asked you.

,,No way, Mr Kim, you said you didn’t want to know!’’ you scolded him.

Days went by and Yoosung tried to find out the sex, but you didn’t seem to make anything differntly.

Just one day, when you suddenly bought clips and brushes, he became suspicious.

,,What are you doing?’’ he asked you, chuckling as you were trying to put your hair up.

,,You should help me,’’ you laughed.

,,You will have to do the same thing in a few years,’’ you finally confessed.

,,Finally…!’’ he laughed and kissed your cheek.

,,Finally, you told me…’’

Jaehee

,,I’m so sorry that I can’t come with you,’’ Jaehee said, looking around the coffee shop as more and more people were entering.

You stood next to her, your bag in your hand, the jacket well closed to keep you warm as you were about to go to the doctor.

You patted your belly and smiled at Jaehee who was feeling guilty.

,,It’s okay, we will handle the situation there, right?’’ you asked your belly. Of course there was no answer, but you still made her smile.

,,Okay, take care and look out for steps. Don’t fall!’’ she warned you, making you smirk.

,,As if I would fall for someone or anything other than you!’’ you flirted, making her cheeks turn red.

,,Go, you flirt!’’ she jokingly hissed and sent you away.

You laughed and stepped out, the fresh air hit you as you inhaled the air.

,,Let’s go and find out your gender, my special baby!’’ you smiled and still couldn’t believe how lucky you were to start a family with Jaehee.

The doctor greeted you and did some basic examinations before she checked for the gender of the baby you were carrying below your heart.

Hearing the news that you would give birth to a girl made your heart grow warm.

With three girls at home, you guys would be able to have a lot of fun together, you thought.

Afterwards, you first went into a shop to buy some hair accessories as a surprise for Jaehee.

Of course, she quickly approached you and asked you about the gender as soon as you entered the coffee shop, but you teased her and told her, ,,Later’’

When that later came, you first begged her to do her hair.

Jaehee understood pretty quickly what you were trying to do and with tears in her eyes, she hugged you.

,,My turn now! I need to practice more!’’ she cried and laughed at the same time.

Saeyoung

The truth behind the reason why Saeyoung, your fiancé, didn’t come with you to the doctor was that you both actually had an argument before you both had your appointment.

Neither of you remembered the reason for the argument or what event triggered you to yell at him, but you decided to go alone and he decided to let you go alone.

,,You are so thick headed,’’ Saeran hissed as he observed his brother tracking you with the GPS in your phone and all the CCTV cameras you were passing by.

,,I need to check that she arrives safely,’’ he mumbled, still annoyed.

,,Those mood swings made me… crazy. Actually, I believe I have them too,’’ he sighed.

,,Apparently, couples who love each other dearly have the same pregnancy symptoms,’’ Saeran said and stepped out of Saeyoung’s room, leaving his red haired brother alone.

Just when he saw you stepping into the building of your doctor’s office he could calm down.

,,Huh?!’’ Saeyoung hissed, looking up as he looked at the building again, noticing that you weren’t visiing your normal doctor, but the gynecologist, remembering that today you would find out the sex of your twin babies.

Saeyoung began to tear up as he suddenly regretted his decision to stay home.

Apparently, you even begged the doctor to not register the genders of the babies so not even his hacking skills could tell him anything about his babies’ genders.

,,Tell me,’’ Saeyoung begged as you entered again. You took off your shoes as you stepped in barefoot.

Saeyoung observed you. ,,Okay, I’m sorry,’’ he whined.

,,For what?’’ you asked him, taking off your jacket now.

,,Everything,’’ he gulped.

,,You forgot what we discussed,’’ you sighed and entered your bedroom, opening the closet.

He pressed his lips together as you took a few things he owned out of the closet. Did you want to throw him out?

,,Not the blonde wig!’’ he whined as you took it out.

You began to brush the wig's hair in front of him, braiding the blonde hair while he kept blabbering something which was supposed to be an apology.

Suddenly he stopped.

,,You… you’re doing this… will you have two girls?’’ he suddenly asked you, looking at how beautifully you made the wig’s hair.

,,It took you some time,’’ you giggled and was suddenly pulled into his embrace. ,,What did I do earlier? I’m really sorry,’’ he whispered.

,,You said I wasn’t allowed to eat chicken this evening,’’ you responded, making him laugh out loud.

Saeran

Lately, you and your Boyfriend didn’t really have much time together.

Between searching for Saeyoung and trying to fight his father, as well as your work, and the RFA party, you two kind of didn’t talk much at home, even though Jumin made sure that you both could live together in a little, but comfortable house.

Since it was kind of stressful, you didn’t think much of your weak body or the fatigue.

Just when you began to throw up one day, you began to think about your symptoms. Was it a virus?

However,  you couldn’t tell Saeran. Knowing his characteristics, he would be very worried for you and not concentrate on his own work.

So you decided to ask Jaehee for help, who was more than happy to support you.

,,Hey,“ she greeted you, a black mask on her face as her eyes seemed to smile.

You chuckled as you slowly got into the car.

,,Mr. Han let us have Driver Kim for today,“ she softly told you and stroked your arm.

It was early in the morning when your doctor told you that you had to go to a gynecologist since he couldn’t help you.

,,I‘ve waited three hours for the results and now they say I need to visit someone else? I‘m starving!“ you hissed, annoyed, which was something Jaehee never saw in you.

,,Come, we can do this. Later I will buy you a good breakfast,“ she smiled and led you into the gynecologist's office.

,,You didn’t notice that you were pregnant for about fifteen weeks?“ your doctor asked you as you sat on the chair with tears in your eyes, shaking your head.

,,I put my baby in danger,“ you sobbed, but the doctor in charge of you quickly calmed you down.

,,It’s a girl, a strong girl, just like her mother. You will be able to do better from now on,“ she told you.

You were in a kind of trance when you left the building with a lot of information and the news of a girl growing below your heart.

,,Are you okay?“ Jaehee asked you. Now that you were pregnant, she was even more worried about you.

,,I need to see Saeran,“ you whispered.

Jaehee nodded. ,,But you will eat first, you're pregnant,“ she whispered.

Jaehee told Jumin the situation, who then sent Saeran at home without ruining the surprise, but of course the soon to be CEO already planned to make you guys move and help you if you needed anything.

,,Mc… Jumin sent me home because he said you were sick…“ he mumbled with trembling lips, kneeling in front of you and taking your hand.

You were still watching a video on how to make hairstyles when you made him get up.

Placing his hand on your belly you teared up again.

,,We're pregnant,“ you told him, making the young boy the happiest with this news.

Jihyun

You and Jihyun already decided for yourselves that you wanted to do more for people in the world who were neglected by their parents and family. The first step was to adopt Lucy.

But you also began to be foster parents, enjoying the time you had with the children around you and loving them with everything you had.

Of course, you always cried a lot when they had to leave again.

It was hard to see children feeling comfortable with you and fearing to go back home. You hated the feeling of vulnerability.

But you wouldn’t trade this wonderful job you had with anyone.

One morning,  however, you were way too sleepy and sickly to even get out of bed, making Jihyun takeover the tasks you usually did.

Lucy stayed by your side since her mommy was sick.

This went on for more weeks. Sometimes you felt better and other days you still felt sick.

At some point, you couldn’t bear it anymore and decided to go to the doctor.

The surprise you faced there was very heartwarming.

,,I‘m pregnant? For twelve weeks?“ you asked the doctor.

,,Yes. It’s too early to see the gender by now but… uh! No, I can already see it, mhhh!“ the doctor nodded to herself, making you more than curious.

As soon as you got the news, you rubbed your hands in happiness and you were on your way home.

You already had a girl, and a second one would make you more than happy. Well, even if it came out to be a boy at the end, as long as it was happy, you didn’t care about the gender.

Going back home Jihyun greeted you and took your hands. ,,What did they say?“ he asked you, concerned for your health.

,,I need to practice more,“ you told him, making him wonder what you meant.

You already did enough exercise so why would they say that?

You called Lucy, who ran up to you and hugged you.

,,Come, I will do your hair,“ you said with a warm smile, brushing her long hair first and then trying some new styles.

,,What do you mean with exercise?“ he asked you again, leaning against the door frame and observing you.

,,This,“ you shortly said and now turned your head.

,,We're having a child, Jihyun,“ you whispered and in the next moment you could feel his warm body around your belly with a happy smile.

Vanderwood

It’d already been sixteen weeks since you received the news of being pregnant.

Since you and Vanderwood didn’t live together yet and met almost daily, he still didn’t notice.

Well, you didn’t even tell him.

You had planned on telling him as soon as you knew the baby‘s sex.

Also, you still wanted to make sure that he wanted to have a baby with you.

But you had your affirmation one day when he criticized the apartment you were falling for.

,,Why would this be too tiny for us?“ you asked him, kind of annoyed that he didn’t like what you liked.

But it all changed when the most beautiful words left his mouth. ,,For the future? Like, I don’t want that my children to have no privacy just because I didn’t invest in a bigger apartment. You will find other beautiful places,’’ he told you and looked away, turning a bit red.

Your heart made a few jumps as you heard his words.

So he was also thinking about a family with you, wasn’t he?

And that’s when you decided to go on with the preparations.

You knew that you were expecting a girl so you baked some pink muffins and prepared some brushes to tease him.

He did everything you wanted, he ate the pink muffins, he let you brush his hair, but when he saw that you were about to put in some princess clips, he kind of snapped.

,,What are you doing? Did Agent 707 tell you to tease me?’’ he asked you.

He wasn’t being mean and he didn’t even hiss, but your hormones were acting on their own so you began to tear up, crying uncontrollably as he sat in front of you.

,,Mc? I… I'm sorry, I didn’t notice that, hey, please, don’t cry…’’ he almost begged.

,,I"m pregnant!’’ you blubbered, ready to get up since this wasn’t what you imagined.

However, due to your sudden jump and the stuff on the floor at your house, you tripped, causing you to fall to the floor face first.

You thought you would hurt yourself and your child when no impact hit you. Instead, strong arms surrounded you, holding you.

,,I'm sorry,’’ he whispered as you felt his face on your back.

His voice was trembling.

,,I'm so happy, really,’’ he mumbled and you knew he wasn’t lying.

,,I promise, I will take care of the both of you,’’ he said finally.

MASTERLIST 1

MASTERLIST 2

MASTERLIST 3

05.05.2021// 22:58 MEST

[msmarvelwrites]

Vienna Waits

Summary: The reader has a hard time around the holidays because it brings up a lot of unhappy memories. Bucky knows trauma all too well and he’s always there to lend some Christmas cheer. 

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Warnings: mentions/flashbacks of assult, ptsd, 18+, swearing, but truly a fluff piece...

Word Count: 2.5k

Authors Note: Hi again! It’s ya girl, back at it again with the plot all to based on her own predicaments. Please read the warnings because the last thing I’d ever want to do is trigger anyone- but at it’s core I wrote this as an aid. Like My Girl, this was written to bring us together, because we are so much stronger that way! This is also my first submission to the Merry Hoemas Challange, so with that please enjoy! Sending love and light to all you beautiful holiday babies.

Thank you to @amythedvdhoarder  @chrissquares @drabblewithfrannybarnes @pumpkin-and-pine and @starlightcrystalline for hosting this holiday challange!

It was, of course, the most wonderful time of year. Christmas Eve at the Avengers Compound. 

The snow cascading from the dark sky acted as a sheet of white as you nervously sipped on your tea, checking the time once again. Your best friend was supposed to be back from his solo mission hours ago, and yet here you were, alone and completely overwhelmed. 

He was always better at these things. Always knowing how to avoid the holiday slump with ease. Bucky was who you turned to when you needed a quick coping mechanism. 

Christmas with the world's mightiest heroes had its perks for sure, but this was certainly not one of them. The joyous holiday music echoing through the Avenger hq living room was doing nothing to settle your nerves. In fact, quite the opposite. It lingered around you, pulling memories you buried deep down in the back of your mind. 

“I really think it’s better if I just head home… It’s getting really bad out there and…”

His lips cut you off, lazily trailing down your neck as the taste of bile rose into your throat. He was just drunk, you thought. So were you. You had given him the wrong idea. If you just explained you didn't want him to touch you… 

He would understand, you thought… You really did. 

“Honey, I’m home” Bucky called, cackling to himself as he shook off the snow caked to his winter coat. His voice shot you back into the dimly lit living room you now resided. 

You lunged from the recliner, spinning around the corner to find Bucky, hands full of gift bags and a candy cane dangling out of his mouth as a goofy grin tugged at the corner of his lips. 

“Where the hell have you been?” You tried to sound angry, but he was just so damn cute.

“Okay, first of all, you're welcome.” He scoffed sarcastically, gesturing to the gift bags as he placed them on the floor. “And second, you're the one who sent me out in the middle of a snowstorm for last minute christmas presents… So, you get what you get.” He chuckled. 

“No, no, I appreciate you- it… I appreciate it so much Buck.” You stumbled, though you didn't let the blush creep onto your cheeks before you spoke again, “You know how I get this time of year.” You sighed, crossing the room to help him with his bags of gifts. It wasn't lost on Bucky that the holiday season was difficult for a lot of the team, including yourself. Though he didn’t know everything about your past and how it brought you here, to the team, and one of the most ruthless fighters the Avengers had ever seen, he did know it was rough and dark and definitely off limits to talk about. Bucky didn't mind, however. As long as he had you by his side. 

“Ya know, if you help me wrap these gifts there might be a Christmas movie marathon in your future.” He wiggled his brows causing you to laugh. 

“That really sounds like a lose-lose on my end here, Buck.” you giggled.

“Are you by any chance at all into hot chocolate?” he bribed, though you would have caved regardless. Any time spent with Bucky was all you wanted for Christmas. 

Once all the presents were wrapped, Bucky was true to his word, puttering into the kitchen, whipping up his famous hot chocolate recipe. Honestly, if the world knew the famous Winter Soldier was as jolly was he is, they probably wouldn't believe it. Something about Christmas just brought out the best in him. 

“So,” You started as you sipped on your whip cream topped hot chocolate. “What is it about this holiday?” You pried, looking up at Bucky as he wiped a dollop of cream off the tip of your nose. 

“I don’t really know. Getting my memories back after all that time, Christmas with my Ma and sisters was always so clear…” He paused, his eyes fixing themselves on the floor. “I guess it’s one of the only really decent memories I have.” 

You only stared at Bucky for a moment as you let the words sink in. He never really spoke about his family and what, if anything he remembered. You never pushed him, thankful that he respected you the same. Though you had only been friends for a year now, those things just aren't privy to your relationship. 

“You never told me that before.” You finally spoke, watching as his eyes met with yours. 

“Yeah well, it’s hard to talk about sometimes. But… I don't know. I trust you, doll. More than anyone, I think. You kind of pull it outta’ me.” He sighed into that goofy smile you loved so much. You wanted to tell him that there was no one in this world that you trusted more, that you could and would be an open book for him, if that's what he wanted… But you supposed it went without saying. Instead, you rested you head on his shoulder, sinking back into the couch as you watched whatever sappy Christmas movie Bucky had picked out for you to watch. 

It wasn't long before the compound started to buzz with disembodied voices and echoing footsteps. A team was getting back tonight, and soon the living room would be filled with your friends booming laughter. 

You let your mind wander, tiptoeing into the darkest parts of your unconscious as the movie faded further and further away…

Your body shook, hard. You heard yourself plead, begging him to stop. Could feel the tears wet and hot as they rolled down your cheeks pooling onto your chest as he wiped them away. Such an act of kindness in such a nauseating scene. Your whole body ached with how hard you were trembling. So weak. You knew it, and now he did too-

Wanda was the first to round the corner, plopping herself down on the couch between you and Bucky, almost sitting right on your lap. 

“Good evening!” She chimed, resting her head against your shoulder in a complete and utter disregard of yours and Bucky’s closeness. Wanda was always the best at diffusing tension you hadn't even realised was there. Though now, as she sat there, it was very apparent that's exactly what it was. However you were thankful for her halting your train of thought. 

“Hello, darling.” Bucky chuckled as you wrapped your arms around her.

Tony rounded the corner next, snickering when he saw the three of you bundled up on the couch together. “Well, isn't that sweet. The trauma triplets are back together.” 

“Dont hate us cause’ you ain’t us, Tony.” You sang, watching as he rolled his eyes and puttered off to his lab. 

“So, any plans for this evening?” Wanda asked, grabbing your mug of hot chocolate without a second thought and taking a sip. 

“This is kind of it. Most of the team is back home with their family.” You explained, looking behind Wanda's head to Bucky, “Do you have any plans with Stevie?” You asked.

“Nope.” He popped the P. “Just us tonight. Steve’s out on a solo mission until tomorrow morning.” 

“About that… Nat is actually setting me up tonight. A double date, I think? So, it's just you guys tonight.” Wanda spoke sheepishly. 

Bucky and you both gapped at her before you finally spoke, “Traitor.” You glared while she only chuckled, shoving you playfully.  

“You guys will get along just fine without me. Just don’t watch The Holiday until I’m back! You guys know that’s my favourite”

As the compound quieted down for the night, you and Bucky fell into your daily routine of  comfortable silence. It was just like every other day, or at least that's what you tried to tell yourself as the end credits of another holiday movie started rolling onto the screen. 

“So,” Bucky finally spoke, shifting in his seat to reach for something out of your eyeline. “It’s technically christmas now… And, I know we said no gifts, but I saw this and it was just so you. I had to pick it up.”

Your eyes landed on the small velvet box in his hands, your breath hitching in your throat for a moment as your brain forze. You could feel your body trembling as he held it out, waiting for a reaction, but all you could do was stare. 

“Such a good little thing.” He finally spoke. Your eyes were so glazed over you couldn't quite tell where his voice was emulating from. You could hear his belt, feel his hands on either side of your face as he whispered in your ear. “Happy Christmas, baby.” He chided, dropping the small velvet box in your hands as he left the room. 

You couldn't bear to touch it, whipping it across the room as it shattered open, the small diamond necklace rolling across the hardwood floor as it tumbled to the ground with a harsh crack. Your fingers burned where the rough velvet had been, and you remembered thinking you'd feel this way forever. 

“Y/n?” Bucky spoke your name and it shocked you back to reality. You blinked at him, tears welling in your eyes as you stared at him. He looked absolutely terrified and it broke your heart. Absolutely tore you apart that you could ever be the reason for that face. 

“Hm? Oh, yes. I’m so sorry, I was so far away there for a moment.” You reached out but before you could take the small box, his hands covered your own and he let his thumb stroke your skin, sending a shiver up your arms and all around your neck. 

“You know I would never judge you, right?” He smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. “God knows you've never judged me. I’m here. Whatever it is, it’s not your fault.” 

The words hit you like a ton of bricks. ‘Not your fault.’ Did he know? There was no possible way. You had Fury burn your physiatric evaluation from when you first started a year ago. No one knew. This was a fresh start, and there way no way that- 

“I can see your mind turning, and I just want to assure you, we are good. Okay? You and me, that's easy. It’s always been that way. Whenever you're ready, if you ever want to talk… I’m here, alright? Always.” His voice melted over you like a warm bath, calming you as you met his gaze. There was a sweetness you haven't seen before. It was new and yet there was something familiar about it. Had he always looked at you that way? Surely you would have remembered as it sent butterflies to explode in your stomach. 

He dropped the rectabled box in your hands and you finally felt the weight of it. Definitely heavier than a necklace, though you guess that wasn't really Bucky’s style anyways. 

You slowly clicked the box open, your eyes falling on the small black object resting on the pillow inside. 

“It’s a knife?” You spoke, just above a whisper as your hands traveled over the cool metal looking up at Bucky in surprise. 

Bucky chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck as he explained. “Remember that mission a year back? I think it was one of our firsts.” 

“Vienna.” You chimed, the memory coming back to you now. 

“You stole my knife.” He laughed, shaking his head at the memory. “I remember, I had it in my hand, you ran out of ammo and in a flash it was in your hands. Those Hydra punks didn't see you coming. God, doll. That had to be the hottest-” He blushed, clearing his throat, “I mean, that was the coolest thing I've ever seen. Been trying to find you one like it ever since.”

“Oh, Buck.” You signed, gripping the knife in your hands and effortlessly flipping it through your fingers as it sparkled in the dim lighting. 

“Do you like it?” He hummed. 

“Like it? I absolutely love it… I feel like such an ass for not getting you anything.” You confessed, averting your eyes to the floor. 

You flinched as Bucky’s cool metal fingers tipped your head up, and he tried not to notice, though the reaction wasn't lost on him. He really didn't know about your past, but trauma knew trauma. 

“Darling, this…” He motioned to you, “This is all I need for Christmas.” His voice was like honey in tea, warm and sweet and so smooth. 

“You flirt.” You giggled, shoving him playfully as you placed the knife back in its box and resting it on the coffee table.  

“I would never.” He sarcastically gasped, causing you to laugh at his dramatics. Bucky wasn't truly himself around the others, but you wished sometimes they could see his goofy side. Though it warmed your heart he reserved it for you. 

“What do you say? One more movie before we call it a night?” You asked, relaxing into his shoulder as you clicked through the options. Bucky’s silence caught your attention, pulling you back to his gaze. He stared at you as if startled by your words. 

“What?” You chuckled nervously, raising a brow when he didn't speak. 

“You're willinging requesting we watch a Christmas movie? Are you feeling okay?” He jested, lifting his flesh palm to your forehead as if to check your temperature. You swatted him away, rolling your eyes as you did so. 

“I’m fine. I just…” You watch him carefully as his laughter faded and he focused on you. “I never really thought I could enjoy Christmas. Someone stole that luxury away from me a very long time ago, but with you… With you it comes so easy. I know it must be hard, but you never let it show. I honestly can't tell you the last time I’ve properly laughed like that during the holidays. God, it's been years and yet here we are. You just pull it out of me.” 

Bucky smiled softly, holding his hands out for yours and you quickly accepted the gesture. His eyes crinkled at the corners as he grinned pulling you into his chest as he hugged you. It was something that was very new, and yet just felt right. Like this was how your bodies were meant to be, fit together like puzzle pieces. 

“Doll, I’ll pull it out for you whenever you want.” He cooed, sarcasm lacing his words and your head fell back, laughter bubbling out of your chest. 

“God, I love you.” You finally got out, but as soon as the words left your lips you knew how impulsive you had been. Bucky stilled beside you but you kept your eyes trained on the ceiling above, terrified to meet his gaze. It wasn't a big deal, just two friends admiring each other. You knew, however if you were honest it was much more than that. Bucky felt it too. 

“Darling,” He murmured, so low you almost didn’t hear him. Your eyes slowly returned to his as your heart nearly jumped from your chest. “You’ve had me wrapped around your finger since Vienna. You’re it for me. Always have been, I think.” 

You stared at him for a moment, unsure of where your voice went as your mouth ran dry. 

“As if I even need to say it, I love you too.” 

Divider made by the wonderful @chrissquares 

Thank you 3000 to my amazing friends @cutie1365 and @sweeterthanthis for their endless support and constant grammatical corrections. I’d be forever dyslexic without you guys... (I kind of will I think, but ya’ll make it a hell of a lot easier on me)

Taglist:

@sweeterthanthis​@cutie1365 @whateveriwant @drabblewithfrannybarnes @amythedvdhoarder @chrissquares @pumpkin-and-pine @starlightcrystalline @kalesrebellion @projectcampbell @calwitch @sycochick @sassy-pelican @mollygetssherlockcoffee​ @amateuratheart @officialmarvelbaby @a-really-bi-girl @fairislesheets

[xpeachesncream]

could i ask a request? an aiko drabbles of she seeing reader and taehyung together. please? thank you!

perfectly wrong | drabble [9]: when you and taehyung run into aiko at the movies and she’s still bitter.

word count: 1.7k

warnings: cussing, implied sexual content, miss sassy pants y/n and we love to see it cause tae can handle his baby

"Tae!" You laughed loudly as he carried you on his back, galloping like a mad man as you both made your way from the garage to the movie theater.

"I told you it was faster that way." You drop down from his back as you both come into full view of the theater box office.

"Look at you, all tired and shit now."

"I don't know why you're complaining when you didn't have to do any work, missy." You laugh as you playfully shove him to the side. Tonight, you and Taehyung decided last minute that you both wanted to head out and watch a late night movie at the new fancy theater nearby. This new and fancy theater was the kind of movie theater that served you food and drinks right at your seat, with the added bonus of comfy, reclining chairs.

The sweet, sweet life.

"What do you wanna watch?" Taehyung's puppy eyes are glued to the board with all the movies and times listed. There was a good mix of new and older movies showing.

"Moana." His lips are sealed into a fine, thin line.

"What do you actually wanna watch?"

"Did I not just name a movie?"

"Rise of Skywalker? Nice!" He says, raising his hand for you to high-five. You return the high-five simply because he was your boyfriend, but you continued to shake your head.

"Let's watch Knives Out." He nods in agreement.

"Actually, I'm down for that one. I'm a fan of Chris Evans." You laugh.

"Yeah, same." He looks at you with a blank expression.

"Mm, actually nevermind." You playfully hit him as he realizes that you'd be gushing over Chris Evans during the entire movie.

"Oh quit, I'm obviously not the only one who'll be gushing over him."

"Look young lady, if I hear one word about how big his muscles are, you're leaving and I'm staying." You laugh.

"Go buy the tickets, Taehyung." You stand aside, waiting for Taehyung to buy the movie tickets. The theater wasn't too crowded, either because it was still too new or because it was a little later in the evening than most people would like - either way, you were okay with it. You didn't have to talk to people from campus or run into anyone you or Taehyung knew.

Except, you realize you've spoken too soon when you look around and realize who's standing a couple of feet away from you.

Aiko.

She's standing around with two other friends, but it looks like she had spotted you before you spotted her. She's keeping her gaze on you as she talks to her friend, her friend trying to slyly look back at you but failing miserably.

Girl, I really wish you would try me.

You for sure haven't forgotten the way she came at you during Jin's party, like you were the sole reason as to why her world came crumbling down on her.

"Uh?" Taehyung furrows his brows as he holds out the tickets. "Babe, you alright? Why do you look so annoyed?"

"Ohhhh, it's nothing." You smile through the annoyance she had brought onto you.

"Funny that you think I don't know you well enough." He turns to follow your gaze, watching Aiko start to strut her way over. He sighs when he returns his attention to you and squeezes your hand to try and relax you. "Come, let's just go inside."

"Hey guys, nice seeing you two here." Aiko says, batting her eyelashes at you and Taehyung innocently.

"Uh, hey." He turns to you. "Y/N? Let's go."

"Aiko." You flatly greet her.

"Happy to see it's actually working out between you two."

"Thanks." You copy her tone and scrunch your nose, hoping she'd catch on to the attitude making its way through. Honestly, Aiko was still bitter about how things went down. She's bitter because for awhile, Taehyung made it seem like she was the one who could change him. He made it seem like she was the one he was dropping all his stupid games for. She thought this was going to her. That's why she was so quick to leave Jin because Taehyung was so fucking good at woo'ing her and making her fall head over heels for him. Just down to the way he touched her and fucked her. The familiar, over-used sweet nothings he'd tell her.

Aiko's bitter. She's triggered. She really hates the fact that she had to run into you both, together.

Yeah, and you hate thinking about it. You hate thinking about the time your man had spent with her and what that was possibly like.

It made your skin crawl.

"Y/N, the movie." Taehyung says, no longer saying another word to Aiko. They were treating each other like long time exes, almost like how he was with Hana. Maybe this was just Taehyung's way of pushing people out when he didn't know how to deal.

"Okay." You respond as you give Aiko one last look before you and Taehyung are walking off to head inside.

"You know you don't need to be like that right?"

"Like what?"

"Little miss sassy pants."

"She didn't have to say anything in the first place. No one was looking for her." You looked at him, confused. Truly. Why did she have to look at you like that? Why did she have to talk to you to her friends like that? Girl, you don't know me. This was not your problem to deal with.

"Baby." Taehyung chuckles, shaking his head. He wasn't even surprised, he knew you always had this fire in you and there was really no way to put it out. "Not even worth the energy." He grabs your hand and leads the way to the theater.

As you both sit down and take a look at the menu to order some things, Taehyung leaves you alone for a second to use the bathroom. You were texting your friends when you had seen Taehyung's phone light up next to you. Typically, you don't really care what's going on in Taehyung's phone. You weren't that girl. However, your eyes drifted towards the screen for a quick second only to see a Snapchat notification from Aiko and a text.

You didn't even know he still had her name in the books like that.

"Baby, the bathrooms here are—" He proceeds to sign chef's kiss, but then realizes you were just staring at him. "Huh? What is it?" He looks down at his phone and checks the screen.

"I didn't even know you had her number still."

"I wasn't gonna go out of my way to delete it." He catches himself. "Wait, that came out wrong. I mean, after everything happened, it wasn't necessarily first on my list." You understood what he was saying but you just shrugged it off anyway.

"This must be important, being that she was just mad as fuck at you." He sighs and quickly opens the app to check the snap with you. He presses the notification, only to show her in a very seductive selfie photo. Cleavage in full view, biting onto a finger and hair all arranged to look semi-messy?

"Beats me." He lets go of the box to remove the snap. "I just feel like things could have worked out better if we had a proper conversation." He reads her text out loud.

"She really wants you." He swipes left to delete the text from his inbox before smirking at you and putting you in a gentle headlock.

"Mm, but I want this lady right here." You giggle as he showers your face with tons of kisses. He had let you free once he realized the flatbread you ordered was coming your way. He clapped happily and began to dig in.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Whatever you want, love."

"Were you really interested in her?" He shrugged.

"For a minute, I really didn't think I would be able to work things out with you. I really, really wanted to be with you before Aiko even came in the picture, but I was scared and the whole thing with Jungkook at the time was making it hard for me." You nodded.

"I'm just curious."

"So, I guess that's why she's mad. I kind of did give her that false hope." He chuckles. "But also, I mean, it's me."

"Taehyung, shut the hell up. You caused so many issues." You chuckled as you bit into your flatbread piece.

"Yesssss and I apologized, right?" He elongates his yes. You simply nod and take a sip of your cocktail. "Okay, then all is well. We're past this and she isn't in the picture. You are." He was right, there was really no use of being bitter or getting sassy about it. No matter what Aiko tried to do or say, he wasn't here with her. It was you.

Aiko was just gonna have to deal.

A couple of days later, you were working a shift at Jin's café with Jungkook. It hadn't been too busy, but there was a moment where things picked up and all three of you were busting your ass to get orders out. As time went out and things settled, Jin was able to fix whatever he needed to in the kitchen, while you and Jungkook held the fort down at the front.

"Who uses snapchat anymore?" Jin comes out of the kitchen, fiddling on his phone.

"Why?" You and Jungkook were rearranging the pastries.

"Aiko sent me a snapchat."

"Funny, she sent Taehyung one a couple of days ago when we ran into her at the movies."

"You ran into her?" Jungkook asks, taking the tongs out of your hands. "How'd that go?"

"Kind of awkward? She came up to us out of nowhere just to be like waaaaow so happy it's working out between you two." You mocked her tone again.

"At least she said she's happy about it." Jin joked in typical Jin fashion.

"What's the snap she sent you?" Jin presses down on the box to show the same exact photo she had sent Taehyung.

"Yah! Look!" Jin laughed, Jungkook going around to look over his shoulder.

"She has nice boobies."

"Oy! Inappropriate!" You bop Jungkook on the head before quickly leaning over and taking a look again. "She sent the same one to Tae."

"Should I send her the eyes?"

"No, no. Don't. Send her a thumbs up since that's all you ever send people." Jin and Jungkook start cracking up, making you walk away from their chaos.

[christinaroseandrews]

A killer stalks the streets of Chicago. A killer who preys upon young Jewish immigrants. It is a dangerous time to be alive as Alter Rosen recent Jewish immigrant from Romania well knows. Living in the slums and tenements along Maxwell street, Alter struggles to make enough money to keep himself alive as well as bring over his mother and sisters from Romania. But life isn't all struggle, he's got friends. Particularly the gentle and kind Yakov who Alter loves dearly. But when Yakov is brutally murdered, Alter's life changes. Now possessed by a Dybbuk of his slain friend, Alter joins forces with a boy from his past to hunt down a vicious killer before it's too late and Alter is fully consumed.

Set against the Chicago World's Fair of 1893, The City Beautiful is an oftentimes deep and disturbing glimpse into the world of that time. The city is dirty and corrupt, crawling with con-men and tricksters who are eager and willing to take advantage of the arriving immigrants. This is the city that so many people came to seeking a better life only to find more poverty and strife. This is the city that played home to H.H. Holmes as well as inspired Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle." And because of that this book needs a heap-ton of trigger warnings.

Triggers for the following: Child Sexual Assault/Rape, Character Death, Antisemitism, racism, classism, xenophobia, graphic descriptions of blood and gore, graphic descriptions of funerary practices, homophobia, sexism, misogyny, general cruelty, and more I'm definitely missing. Please make sure you're in a good place before reading this book.

Because this is a good book. While the subject matter is definitely outside my usual fare, it's well-researched story about Jewish Immigrant Life in America in the late 19th century with very mystical/horror elements. And it's definitely horror. At times this book reminded me of Stephen King's "It" mixed with Lovecraft Country. I liked the fact that this featured an LGBT chararacter who is still coming to terms with that that means for him. It's realistic for a time and culture where homosexuality is very much looked down upon and even punished.

And this story is a romance. While Alter's first love does die as a catalyst to the overarching plot, there is a very nice slow burn second chance romance between Alter and a sort of Artful Dodger-like character named Frankie. And I did like Frankie. He's tempter, while Alter is the atoner. It's and interesting mix.

However, my favorite character was Raizel, one of Alter's friends from the tenement where he lives. She's a reformer who wants to be a reporter and it's nice to see a solid Male/Female friendship in YA. Especially a LGBT one -- where members of the opposite sex are often denigrated. She's got her own goals and she's not a shrinking violet. I kind of love her. LOL

That said, the book isn't perfect. It's a very slow start with some uneven pacing between the 10 and 40% marks. After the 50% mark the story picks up and it's a nice ride to the end. Looking back on it, I can see why the author took the time to set the scene and lay out the clues, but it wasn't apparent on the first read through. That said, this book definitely has re-read value... so that's something.

In all, I enjoyed this book despite it taking me several months to read. So I'm going to give this...

Four stars

If this is your jam, you can get it here.

If you like these kind of honest reviews, please consider supporting us here!

I received an ARC of this book via NetGalley.

[thewildsophia]

.The Consequences of Consuming Paint. Clone High//Van Gogh x Reader

Trigger Warning:

Referenced self-harm, Attempted suicide, Talk about self-hatred.

A/N: I know this might be difficult to read, and if you don’t feel comfortable reading this kind of stuff then I recommend not, but I really felt that this was somewhat accurate to his character. The actual Van Gogh was depressed and tried to end his life multiple times so it felt  only fitting that clone Van Gogh be the same way.

Suicidal!Van Gogh x Depressed!Reader

Word Count: 5151

~~~~~~~~~~

To put it simply, there was something wrong with Van Gogh. As of late, he seemed more irritable and tired, didn’t enjoy doing activities with you and, one of the more concerning to you, wasn’t eating as much. He was already a pretty small, thin guy, and the thought that he wasn’t eating made you worry more than normal. 

You already knew Van Gogh was depressed, it was part of the reason you became friends, but it seemed that his symptoms were getting worse. With everything going on, you were scared that he would try to do something he’d regret. 

You thought this because, like Van Gogh, you too were depressed and knew how impulsive people could become when they were hurting. 

You were currently in Painting II with him. He was getting his work done, but he was lacking the normally present enjoyment he usually had. He seemed distracted, simply idly correcting a few mistakes in the piece he had made the day before. You had tried to start a conversation with him, but it was difficult to hold it since he wasn’t really interested, only offering a few word responses. 

It left a bad taste in your mouth. Even if he wasn’t a very outgoing person, he would normally converse with you like there was no tomorrow. 

You eventually left it alone, opting to work in silence for the rest of the class. He never made an effort to talk to you afterwards. 

Class ends and you notice how slow Van Gogh gathers his things. You decide to help him, putting the paints and brushes he was using away. When you turned around you noticed that he had left before you could walk him out. 

For the rest of the day you tried to get your work done in your classes, but you just couldn’t help but wonder if he was alright. At first you were simply worried about him, but after that class you were terrified. Since you two didn’t have anymore classes after that you tried to look for him in the halls while transitioning classes, but to no avail. 

It was the end of the day and you at your lockers grabbing the books you needed to do your homework. You were planning to head over to Van Gogh’s dorm to check up on him before heading over to yours for the night. Before you close your locker, however, you felt a tap on the back of your shoulder. Turning around you were met with the blue eyes of Van Gogh. 

“There you are!” You said while closing your locker, “I’ve been looking around for you.” You finished. He looked away a moment and scratched the back of his neck. 

“Yeah, sorry. I haven’t exactly been myself lately which…I’m sure you could tell.” He said, shifting from his right foot to his left, “I’ve had a lot to deal with recently and have had a crap ton of things on my mind. I just…wanted to thank you for being by me and supporting me all this time.” 

You stayed silent; it was a technique you learned in psychology where if you stayed quiet someone would keep talking. And sure enough, he did.

“So, thank you for always being there to help me,” He looked up at you and smiled. 

But it wasn’t right. 

It seemed a bit forced and the emotion behind it didn’t convey joy or happiness, but despair and regret instead. It was a smile you knew all too well, and you had a pretty good idea about what he was planning to do. However, you decided to play dumb.

“Of course,” You started, “I’ll always be here for you, Vincent. Even if you’re at your lowest, I’ll be there to dust you off and pick you back up. I’d…be lost if something were to happen to you.” You said, hoping that your choice of words would get him to reconsider. You saw his smile drop slightly.

“Is there…something you need to talk about?” You ask after a moment.

“No, no, I just wanted to thank you for standing by me,” He said, “You were really the best friend someone could ask for.”

Were.

“Thanks,” You said, trying to ignore the nauseous feeling you had in your stomach, “If you ever need to talk just stop by my dorm or send me a text, got it?” You ask him, receiving a nod. 

“I’ve got to get going. My teachers didn’t hesitate to assignment a bunch or work.” He said turning around and walking away.

“Alright, see you tomorrow!” You shouted before he left. He only turned to look at you and smiled. He turned back around and continued walking. 

He already had his mind set.

You felt that coiling in your stomach and this time you actually felt like you were going to be sick. You gave him some time to get to his dorm -- you knew how long it took since you and him constantly walked there after school -- before you made your way there. 

You shifted on your feet a moment before giving a hesitant knock. You waited a moment before knocking harder, calling his name.

“Van Gogh? You there?” You shouted, “It’s me, Y/N.” You waited another minute before you decided that it had been long enough. You quickly searched for the key to his dorm, finding it and opening the door quickly.

The lights were off but you could see the mass on the bed that you assumed was Van Gogh. You turned the lights on and quickly made you way over to him. While running over there, a note on his desk caught your attention. 

You looked over at it briefly, only reading the first line and you quickly realized what it was. 

His suicide letter.

You quickly looked over at him, ignoring the tears that were welling up in your eyes, grabbed his shoulder and shook him. 

“Van Gogh?” You called out, shaking him a bit harder, but there was no response from him. That sinking feeling returned as you quickly removed the covers finding no blood, but instead…paint?

You looked down at your feet and saw that, in your haste, you had been standing on empty tubes of paint, most of them being yellow. 

“What did he…?” You questioned, before seeing an empty bottle of turpentine. 

“Did you…!” You asked out loud before checking his mouth and, sure enough, there was a collage of different colors. Blues, greens, purples, reds and yellows -- all matching the tubes scattered around the floor -- mashed together, illustrating his despair.

“You-IDIOT.” You shouted as you quickly picked him up, relieved at how warm he still was, and made your way to his bathroom. 

You gently placed him in the bathtub and turned on the water. You got in, sitting behind him and placing him in between your legs. You held him close to you with your left arm as you, despite wanting to, shoved your fingers into his mouth.

You hated doing this, but you knew that this had to be done. You had to get the paint and turpentine out of his body. 

It was disgusting, feeling the warm paint slide between your fingers as you pushed them even farther into his mouth. You didn’t even try to hold the tears and sobs back as your attempt to help him seemed to fail. 

“Van Gogh…VINCENT!” You sobbed into the back of his neck as you kept prodding at his throat. “PLEASE. Please. please, please, please, please, please…don’t leave me.” You cried.

“Please…I love you. I love you so much so PLEASE…stay. Stay so that I can tell you that to your face.” You were still screaming, sobbing and about to pull your fingers out in defeat before it happened. 

You felt it, warm and wet, before you actually saw it. 

A jumble of bright colors, with the distinct color of vomit, decorated your arm and was quickly dragged down the drain by the water. 

“Van Gogh…” You said, removing your fingers and listening to him cough for a moment. 

“Who…?” He asked quietly. You barely heard him over the running water. Relief quickly ran through your system, tangling with your anxiety and fear, as you wrapped both arms around his middle section, feeling him take gulping breaths of air.

“Me-It’s me. It’s Y/N.” You said while gently rocking him in the water. The paint and vomit had stained your long sleeve shirt and was most likely getting on Van Gogh’s coat, but you didn’t care. 

“Van Gogh,” You said as his breath evened out, “Vincent, I love you. I love you so damn much. Don’t…don’t leave me. Not like this. Never like this.” You said as the tears of relief mixed with the ones of despair on your cheeks. Neither of you moved or spoke for a moment before you felt his arms on your own that were around his waist. 

“Okay,” He began, his voice a lot more hoarse than normal, “Okay, I’ll stay.” He said while shifting in your arms to face you. His own cheeks, although difficult to tell with the water, were stained with tears. His face was flush and eyes red and you assumed you looked the same.

“I love you,” Were his next words, “I love you too.” You felt that coiling return and this time you didn’t ignore it. It didn’t feel bad this time, but instead somewhat enjoyable. You pressed him to your chest, embracing him tightly. He returned the favor, wrapping his arms around your neck. You heard and felt him cough a few times on you but it didn’t bother you. 

You stayed in there, water pouring over you, until your fingers pruned up and the water turned cold. When he pulled away there were paint stains on your shirt where his face had been pressed into it. You stood up, turning off the water and helped Van Gogh out of the tub. 

The two of you awkwardly stood there for a moment. Both of you were soaked to your core. After a moment, Van Gogh spoke up.

“I’ll…get us some dry clothing.” He began ringing out his clothes over the tub and, hesitantly, started to take his coat off. Upon doing so revealed the orange-cream color v-neck shirt you had bought for him. It also revealed the soaking wet bandages that covered both of his forearms. You frowned, but didn’t stare since you knew how annoying it was. 

He squeezed the rest of the water out before saying, 

“I’ll be right back.” He left the room and you stood there for around a minute before the door opened again. 

In his arms were a few towels, a plastic bag and clothing. He handed them to you explaining,

“Sorry, these were the only clothes I had that would fit you since you’re taller than me and all.” He scratched the back of his neck, “Uh, I’ll leave you to it.” He said awkwardly before leaving the bathroom again.

You hadn’t even looked at the clothes until after you had stripped down and dried yourself off. Upon inspecting them you encountered a problem.

They were short sleeved.

Specifically a short sleeved t-shirt and pair of shorts.

You felt yourself frown as you looked at the clothing and then at yourself in the mirror. You may be a lot better than you were before, but you were still very, very, self conscious about how many scars you had. You were especially worried at how Van Gogh would react to seeing them after…that. 

You had  never told him you were depressed and telling him that you were this way wasn’t exactly appealing to you.

Nonetheless, you put the clothes on deciding that revealing clothes are better than wet ones. You placed your wet clothing in the bag before making your way to the door. You hesitated a moment, before slowly cracking the door open and looking out.

You spotted Van Gogh in new clothes undoing the wrappings on his head before he noticed you peeking out.

“Do the clothes fit?” He asked, pausing his movements. 

“Yeah…” You said opening the door all the way and stepping out. His eyes widened and his shoulders slouched, his hands still in his hair. It was quiet for a moment. 

“So uh…” You started after a minute, “I guess you were bound to find out someday. I had just hoped it wouldn’t be like…this.” You said, gesturing to yourself. He looked away from you, returning to unwrapping his head bandages. Once done he pulled the bandages away, revealing his ear to you.

It actually wasn’t as bad as people had said it was. A little over half of it was gone and there was dark scarring around the edge of it, yet it still didn’t look “disfigured” per say; just different. 

“I’m not really one to judge,” Van Gogh said, pulling you out of your thoughts, “I’m sure you could tell by now that I’m no better.” He finished with a nervous chuckle. He idly picked at the bandages around his arms as he met your gaze. 

Neither of you were sure what to do, simply looking at the other wait for them to do something. 

“Here,” You said after it became clear that he wasn’t going to say anything, “Let me help you rewrap everything.” You made your way over to him and sat down next to him on the bed. Hesitantly, he offered you an arm and you gently began unwrapping it. You felt his eyes on you the whole time.

It was an all too familiar sight, one that usually didn’t faze you anymore. It did this time since you knew that this was Van Gogh and that he did this to himself. You couldn’t help the tears that began to well up in your eyes, but you did your best to ignore them. It was only when one of them hit Van Gogh’s did you do something.

“Y/N?” Van Gogh asked but you held a hand up quieting him. 

“I’m fine.” You said, gesturing for him to give you his other arm. He did, and you began unwrapping that one too. You held both arms together and briefly looked at Van Gogh to see him staring directly at some of your own. 

Normally, something like this bothered you, but it didn’t this time. 

You rubbed his hands with your thumbs before you leaned down to press a kiss to both of them. When you looked up you saw Van Gogh staring at you with tears in his eyes. You took both of his hands into your own before stroking his cheek. You pressed a kiss to his other cheek before standing up. 

“Where do you keep your bandages?” You asked. 

“In my desk. Middle drawer on the left.” He answered and you made your way over there. The note briefly caught your attention before you turned it back to finding the bandages. You scrounge around for a moment before finding what you were looking for. You walked back over and set the bandages, along with rubbing alcohol and cotton pads, on the bed. You brought his hands into your lap before you got to work, first cleaning them with alcohol and covering them. You did your best to ignore the small whimpers of pain Van Gogh would make when you cleaned a particularly fresh cut. 

Once done, you threw the used cotton pads away and returned the other supplies to the drawer. You looked back over to Van Gogh noticing that he had curled up into himself, pulling his legs to his chest and resting his chin on his knees. 

“Hey,” You said, getting his attention, “Let me cook you some dinner. You’ll feel better afterwards.” He looked away a moment before asking,

“Do you think we could cover my ear first?” 

“No,” You began and for a moment he looked taken aback, “Wait for your hair to dry first and then we’ll cover them. Otherwise the bandages will just get wet again.” He frowned, but you could tell he understood. 

“You know, I always thought you had cut off the whole ear, not just part.” You say. He looks up, “This is honestly an upgrade. In my opinion at least; it gives you character, makes you stand out in a good way.” You say while slowly walking over to him before taking him into your arms.

“Come on, don’t look so sad.” You said while laying back on the bed on your side, Van Gogh pressed against you. He wrapped his arms around you and held onto you tighter as tears threatened to spill from his eyes. You stayed quiet for a moment before speaking up.

“Look,” You started, feeling his eyes land on you, “I of all people probably understand what you’re going through. Hell, I probably know what you’re thinking right now. Probably something like, ‘What do I do now?’ and ‘Where do I go from here?’. Something like that, right?” 

He looks at you shocked before asking, “How do you know this?” It seemed that he realized the answer before you actually said it because you saw his jaw snap shut after asking.

“I…also tried to, you know, end my life. Twice actually.” You added with a nervous chuckle. “I’ve been doing my best to get better and, even though I’m not all the way there, I’ve begun to like living again. And I think that’s possible for you to achieve that too.” You look down at him and notice how the tears had fallen from his eyes, but he had a blank stare.

He was probably spaced out you figured. You knew he heard what you said but he just could really respond. 

“Listen, I know you don’t want to talk about this tonight and we don’t have to, but let me take care of you. Please?” You explain. He shifts in your arms a moment before saying,

“Alright.” You smiled, pressing a kiss to his forehead and, reluctantly, pulling away from him. 

“Great. I’ll cook some dinner for us.” You walked over to his kitchen to see what you could make. Upon looking around, you noticed that he didn’t have much to cook with, most of the things he had were prepackaged or frozen. 

“Wow, you’ve got nothing.” You say under your breath as you close the cabinet, “No wonder you’ve gotten so thin.” 

“Yeah, sorry about that.” He apologies from the bed. After a moment of thought an idea pops into your head.

“Alright, put your shoes on, we’re going to my place.” You said as you made your way over to the door, grabbing your backpack and bag of wet clothes. 

“What?” He asks. 

“You heard me,” you said, grabbing his usual black dress shoes, “Dinner’s at my place tonight.” 

“But,” He said pausing for a moment, “I really don’t want to go out there with my ear…exposed like this.” You stared at him a moment while handing him his shoes.

“Look at me,” You stared, “I don’t want to go out like this either, but I was going to have to eventually. So, we’ll go out together, exposed.” 

He was quiet for a moment before he sighed.

“Alright, let’s go.” He said while putting his shoes on. The two of you walked out and thankfully there wasn’t anyone in the hallways at the moment. The two of you made your way up to your dorm, only running into a few people. Once there you set your things by the door and made your way to the kitchen. Van Gogh followed you and offered to help you, which you gladly accepted. 

You looked around to see what you could whip up quickly and decided to make a simple beef stew. You gave him a few vegetables asking him to peel them before you got to work cutting them, along with the beef, up and cooking them. You added the beef broth to everything and had to wait around 15 minutes. 

In that time, the two of you had decided to lay on your bed, holding each other ‘til the alarm went off. Both of you had gotten up and walked into the kitchen. You had Van Gogh sit while you cut up some bread and served both of you. 

The two of you ate in silence for a bit and it was nice. You were happy knowing that he was eating something, especially after having to empty his stomach like that. You also made sure he was drinking a lot of water.

“Thank you, Y/N,” Van Gogh said after a while, “I really appreciate this. And I’m sorry about what happened. About…you having to find me like that.” You felt your stomach clench at his words.

“There’s nothing for you to apologize for,” You started. Van Gogh looked as if he was going to protest, but you continued before he could, “When people are in pain the way that you are, the way that I was, they do impulsive things; things that don’t accurately reflect them. So, don’t apologize to me, there’s nothing for you to be sorry for.” You finished and he looked down at his empty bowl. 

“Are you finished?” You asked as you stood up with your bowl.     “Yeah.” He said and you took his bowl to the sink. You briefly looked over to the clock that read 9pm. You looked back over at Van Gogh, watching him idly trace the bandages on his arm. At least he wasn’t scratching them.

“Do you need any night clothes?” You asked. He looked over at you confused before answering,

“No?” 

“You sure?” You asked, “Because you’re spending the night.” You added and you smiled at the blush that spread across his face.

“I-Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to take up any space here.” He asked nervously.

“It would be my pleasure to have you stay here with me.” You said walking over to him and pressing a kiss to his forehead. You ran a hand through his bright orange hair before saying, 

“We can wrap your ear up now if you’d like. Your hair’s dry enough.” He smiled before looking you in the eye and saying,

“You know, I think I’ll leave it as it is.” You smiled before hugging and picking him up. 

“Thank God, because your hair is soooo soft.” You said as you rubbed your cheek against the top of his head. You placed him down, giggling at the bright peach color that dusted his pale cheeks. 

“Come on, I have some unused toothbrushes you can have.” You said leading him over to your bathroom. You dug around your bathroom cabinet before finding a still packaged toothbrush and handing it to him.

“Are you sure you don’t want a different set of clothes? I know mine will fit you.” You said before you exited the bathroom. 

“I’m sure, but thank you again.” You heard him shout through the door. 

You waited for him to finish. A few minutes later he walked out of the bathroom. You turned the lights out before getting into bed. You noticed how Van Gogh just stood by the bathroom door until you motioned for him to join you.

“Get over here, I’m not gonna have you sleep on the floor.” You said and he started to walk over to the bed. He slowly, almost hesitantly, got into the bed with you. He stayed close to the edge of the bed farthest from you. 

“Do you want to…” You started, opening your arms. He looked at you for a moment before quickly scooting over and into your arms. You wrapped him up in the blankets and gently rocked him when you heard him quietly cry. 

“It’s alright. It’s okay to cry,” You say as you run a hair through fluffy, orange hair, “I’ll make sure you get help, okay?” You felt him nod into your shoulder. 

It was quiet for a while, you had assumed he had fallen asleep, until he asked,

“Do they have to know?” Before you can ask who ‘they’ are he clarifies, “My foster parents. Do they have to know about all of this?” 

You knew what he wanted to hear, but you had to be honest with him. You sighed before answering him.

“Yeah, they have to know. Along with the school and your general physician,” You said and you felt his grip on you tighten.

“But don’t worry,” You said trying to comfort him, “It’s really not as bad as it sounds, and I’ll be there to help you through it.” 

“I just don’t understand,” He said, catching your attention, “Why would you try to…end your life? You’re so…perfect, I just…don’t understand how someone like you could feel this way.” You looked down at him in the dark.

“The one thing about mental illness is that it doesn’t discriminate,” You begin, “It doesn’t matter how great, or shitty, your life is; this is just something that can affect the best of us.” You explained. He remained quiet, so you decided to keep speaking. 

“Something I was told that helped me understand this is that a butterfly is unable to see how beautiful the colors of its wings are, but us as observers are able to see the colors of its wings. Using that logic, people are always able to see the good and beauty in others, but not in themselves,” You explained to him. You trailed a hand through his hair, traced his jaw and tilted his chin up to look at you, “But I’ll be here to tell you how beautiful and…and perfect you are.” 

You saw his face flush as tears gathered in his eyes. 

“God,” He whispered looking away, “Sometimes it's hard to believe that you love me.” 

You grabbed his face and quickly pressed a kiss to his lips. He was stiff before melting into your embrace. His lips were chapped, yet oddly soft and you taste the lingering tang of vomit. I was kinda gross, but you didn’t care as much as you thought you would.

It was gentle and chaste and you pulled away stroking his cheek saying,

“Then I’ll keep saying it ‘til you believe it.” And that’s what did it for him. He let out a choked cry before full-on sobbing into your chest. 

You let him and only when his crying seemed to calm down did you say anything.

“Are you feeling better now?” You asked, receiving a nod from Van Gogh, “Good. Now, get some rest. You need it.” 

“Okay.” He whispered before curling back into your embrace. You pressed him tighter to yourself, resting your chin on his head and continuing to run your hand through his hair. It was something he seemed to like since you noticed how he would lean into your hand. 

It was quiet and before you knew it you had drifted off, asleep with Van Gogh in your arms. In all the time you knew him, you never thought you’d ever have this.

~~~~~~~

You woke up the next morning sometime around 8:30am. Classes start at 8:45am but you didn’t make a move to get up or to wake Van Gogh up. You simply stayed there with him, stroking his hair again. 

Seriously, that may have just become your new favorite activity. Running your hand through his soft, bright orange hair, feeling the weightless locks slip in between your fingers. 

You were the only one awake for a few minutes before Van Gogh slowly opened his pale cyan eyes, rubbing the sleep out of them. He looked up at you and smiled, and you couldn’t help but smile yourself at the dopy look on his face. His smile vanishes, however, as he quickly asks,

“Shoot, what time is it?” He sits up in the bad and makes a move to leave but you grab him by the shoulder, stopping his movements. 

“It doesn’t matter, we’ve got the day off.” You say while pulling him back into you.

“What are you talking about,” He begins, letting himself be pulled back into your embrace, “It’s a Thursday.” 

“Maybe so,” You start, sitting up in bed with him, “but we have some things to…workout.” You finish, rubbing the back of your neck. He shifted in your arms before say,

“Okay.” 

The two of you talked it out, he explained everything that was happening and why he did what he did. In turn, you gave him a run down about what the two of you would have to do now. You also explained how he might have to spend some time in a physical and then mental hospital due to the severity of everything that transpired. 

When you were done explaining everything, he was silent, most likely processing things. 

“I know that this is a lot to be introduced to so fast. Honestly, I wish I had known the first time what was going to happen with me.” You added with a slight chuckle to try and ease the atmosphere. I didn’t work seeing as Van Gogh seemed as tense as he was before, “Look at me.” You told him, and he did.

“Listen, I really wish I could say that this will be an easy thing for you to do, because it won’t be. I’ve been getting help for over a year and a half now and I still struggle sometimes, but I’m so much better than it was before,” You explained and, for once, he seemed interested, “I still don’t love myself, but I definitely don’t hate myself anymore, and that’s something I want you to be able to say about yourself. Because I love you, and I want you to be able to love yourself.” 

You watched as tears began to well in his eyes. He quickly lunged at you and pressed his lips against your and morning breath had never tasted better than in that moment. You were momentarily taken back at his boldness before kissing him back with just as much intensity. 

When he pulled away you could see the tear tracks on his face and feel the cooling of his tears on your own. 

“Thank you,” He said, “I love you. I love you so damn much Y/N.” He finished, cupping your face in his petite hands. You smiled, pressing your forehead to his and cupping his face. 

“I love you too, Vincent Van Gogh.” You said and you ignored the ache in your cheeks as your smile widened when his face broke out in the lovely peach color. You pressed another kiss to his lips, one he quickly reciprocated. You pulled away, getting out of bed and stretching.

“Come on,” You said looking back at him smiling, 

“I believe we owe your foster parents a visit.”

[pastelsandpining]

Santa Baby (Christmas List)

The second prompt in 12 Days of Christmas by @zelink-prompts​

Prompt List

**Note: For the stories actually involving Christmas, I and a few other authors changed the holiday to Hylia’s Day (credit to @fatefulfaerie​ for this) so that it’s more relevant to Hyrule

Cover Art: @neezlebums​ be sure to show some love to the original here!

Words: 2264

Summary: For their first Hylia’s Day together after everything that happened, Link just wanted to gift Zelda something special.

**If I don’t have explicit warnings, read with caution. It simply means there’s nothing I could think of that could be potentially triggering, but I could’ve just missed something. In that case, please let me know and I’ll be more than happy to put a warning!**

BotW, post-calamity with angry child Eggbert because I said so

Zelink-mas 2020  l  Masterlist

Relearning everything about his past and about Hyrule was no easy feat. A world that was so familiar yet so foreign still left him unsettled at times, because he was a young adult trying to understand the things that nearly everyone else grew up with. It was fascinating to learn about traditions and holidays and how they came to be, and he did genuinely want to know everything he once knew and more.

It was how he’d ended up awake until the break of dawn, listening to Zelda tell stories of Hyrule’s past. She was in her element when she got to research or explore or teach. Watching her was something he felt incredibly lucky to do, much less sit so close to her on the bed while they poured over books. He wanted to be as prepared as possible.

He’d heard of Hylia’s Day before, but it would be his first time experiencing it (that he could remember). Zelda explained it as a celebration of love and giving, of friendship and of victory. She told him of the festivals they used to hold, and the balls they’d been forced to attend, and of the parties they used to have. She told him of the traditions of gift giving and of family gathering.

And when they finally settled down to sleep, Link asked her what she wanted for Hylia’s Day. She replied just as she always did—that she already had all she could ever want.

It didn’t stop him from trying, though. He brought it up at the most nonchalant of times, during breakfast or trips across the kingdom. He would listen intently every time she spoke, more so than usual, and tried to pick up on any instance of an “I want”. Only once did she give a direct answer, saying she wanted a Silent Princess. 

Link was not satisfied with that. It wasn’t special enough, so he took it upon himself to fill Zelda’s nonexistent Hylia’s Day List.

He didn’t expect to feel as nervous as he did when the day actually came around.

“How does this look?” came the voice of Zelda from behind him. Link paused the stirring of his soup to turn around and answer her question. She’d been adjusting the decorations all morning, no matter how many times he’d promised her they looked fine.

“It looks perfect,” he replied. “Just like everything else.”

“Well, good, because I want this to be perfect,” she said, making her way to his side. “It’s the first Hylia’s Day we’ve had since—the first I’ve had outside of a castle. Getting to decorate and set everything up however you want is incredibly stressful. I want our friends to be comfortable and happy.”

“You worry too much,” stated Link in return, bumping her with his shoulder.

“I happen to worry a perfectly healthy amount, for your information.”

He chuckled and turned back to his task at hand: finishing up their dishes for the celebration. The traditions called for a family gathering, and their family was large in both number and size. A little extra wouldn’t hurt, even if their friends were all bringing their own dishes.

“You look beautiful, by the way,” he continued. Zelda’s cheeks flushed, even after a hundred years, and it made him want to smile. He loved when she wore things that were too big for her, including the white sweater that she had to keep pulling the sleeves up on because they were too long. The golden linings made it look fancier than it really was, but she called it comfortable on more than one occasion and it was soft to the touch, so it was one of his favorites too. 

“Thank you,” she replied, hugging his arm. “I dressed myself and everything.”

“Wow, impressive,” he stated, pulling his arm free so that he could take the bread out of the oven. He didn’t miss the roll of her eyes before she turned back to the tree tucked into the corner. 

“I can’t help thinking something’s missing,” she said. Link placed the pan on a rack before turning to face her again, reaching for one of her hands.

“It’s perfect,” he repeated, spinning her to face him. “The only thing missing is a star at the top, but I don’t think you’d fit.”

She gave his hand a gentle swat and huffed.

“You’re ridiculous.” But she was smiling anyway, and that was enough of a gift for him. He considered pulling her closer, spinning her around and trying to get her to laugh, but there was a knock on the door before he could. Link let go of her hand so she could answer it, and he was unsurprised to see Purah bouncing on her feet at the door, with Symin behind her carrying a far too large bag, probably full of presents. 

“Check it!” she exclaimed--her form of a greeting, apparently. “Happy Hylia’s Day, you rascals! I’ve been looking forward to this all year!”

“Purah,” Zelda greeted. “It’s lovely to see you again!”

“You can put the bag down here,” Link told Symin, gesturing to the area under the stairs after shutting the door, keeping the cold outside. Now that Purah had stolen Zelda away for some excited conversation about Sheikah technology, Link had an opening. “Did Robbie manage to.. do the thing?”

“Fix it up? Yeah, I heard he and Purah talking last night. He was able to restore it, but I don’t know if it’ll have all the same functions as before,” Symin answered, his voice lowered to keep anyone from hearing. Some tension in Link’s shoulders relaxed. That was one thing checked off the list—the one thing he was really nervous about.

“I’m gonna owe Robbie an entire decayed guardian for this.”

“He’ll take payments in increments.”

Link snorted and shook his head. As eccentric as Robbie was, he was positive the Sheikah would try and refuse payment. But Link didn’t exactly need his permission to haul a decayed guardian up to Akkala’s Tech Lab, so it would turn out either way. He just hoped, with a glance towards Zelda, that it was the right gift.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Symin asked. 

“You could take coats by the door,” Link joked as another knock echoed through their house. 

He was pleased to see Sidon, Impa, and Paya were the next to arrive. But he didn’t get much of a greeting out before Sidon, crouching to get through the door, lifted him from the floor in a crushing hug.

“Happy Hylia’s Day, Link! Lovely to see you!” 

All Link could really do was pat Sidon’s shoulder in return until his feet were returned to the ground. 

The arrivals began increasing faster than he expected, with Teba and his family arriving next—with Kass in tow, of course.

“I’m worried we won’t have enough space,” Zelda stated suddenly, scaring the living daylights out of him. “We could move it outside, but we’d need a fire. I’m sure the Rito are fine with the cold, but we could give everyone else some blankets and coats. Do Zora get cold?”

“I don’t think so,” Link replied, furrowing his eyebrows. “The water in East Reservoir Lake wasn’t exactly warm, and Ruta hurling ice blocks at us didn’t make it any better.” He was still bitter that he didn’t think to use Cryonsis until he’d already been knocked off of Sidon twice. 

“But the Zora are used to water, so perhaps they’re used to the cold as well.”

“Why don’t we just ask?” Link pointed out, bumping her with his shoulder. “We have a Zora.”

“You say that like Sidon is a pet,” Zelda scolded, crossing her arms. 

“He’s basically a huge Hylian Retriever, yes.”

“Besides, would it be rude?”

Link grinned and ruffled her hair as he said, “Nothing is rude in the name of science.”

“Except eating a frog, apparently,” Zelda bit back, swatting at his hand.

“Oh, let it go,” he laughed. “I ate tons of frogs.”

“And?” she asked, lifting an eyebrow with a smug smile.

“You were right.”

“What are you two love birds talking about?” Sidon asked, and Link jumped for the second time that day. How could someone so large sneak up on him so easy, even if there was a good bit of noise in the house?

“Sidon!” Zelda said quickly, her cheeks flushed with pink. “We were just discussing moving everything outside.”

“Brilliant idea! Do you need help moving anything?” 

Link thought of assuring Sidon he was a guest and didn’t need to lift a finger, but apparently those gears in Zelda’s head were turning.

“No, but we have a few extra strings of fairy lights,” she replied, tapping her chin. “We could put lights on the tree outside!”

“You,” Sidon said as he picked her up. “are a little genius, Princess! Everyone, outside!”

Link hardly got a word in before they were out the door. All he could do was laugh at them with a warm smile. This was more than he ever could’ve wanted.

“It’s good to see you happy.”

Kass was smiling at him, just in that way where he looked like he knew all he was thinking. 

“Holiday cheer,” Link replied with a shrug, but Kass hummed.

“Ah, yes. Holiday cheer and nothing to do with dear Zelda.”

“Well,” Link sputtered, glancing towards the door everyone else had gone out of. “She helps. How’s, uh, how’s your song coming?”

“Rather well, actually. I think she’ll be pleased with it. Come, we’re missing all the fun.”

And Kass was right. Riju and Teba’s son were chasing each other around the pond, occasionally being joined by other village children, and Yunobo was being used as a rock pile to climb over in the process—not that he looked to mind it much. Buliara was observing carefully from her perch on the ramp, discussing something with Teba and Saki, and he was pleased to see they were all smiling. 

Impa was busy scolding Purah for something, and Robbie was coming to her defense, and whatever Symin had interrupted with made them all laugh. 

And then, to his (pleasant) horror, he found Zelda and Paya up in the tree, wrapping strings of lights around the bare branches. Sidon was underneath, wrapping another string around the trunk. They were having far too much fun with it.

Zelda spotted him from her perch and waved, and he had no choice but to join them in the decorating.

A little later into the evening, they sat around a campfire that turned out to be a joint effort and swapped various stories while they ate—stories about the Champions, who were there in spirit, about troubles they’ve solved, and other funny recalls of their lives. Link tried to listen, but his attention shifted every time he saw Zelda next to him with a smile on her face.

A gathering so wonderful wasn’t complete without swapping gifts. They’d given and received so many things, but Link chose to wait until everyone was finished to approach Zelda with his gift. Upon seeing the big box, she lifted an eyebrow.

“Alright. I know a Silent Princess isn’t this big, so what could you have possibly gotten me?” she asked, sitting in front of the crate. Link only shrugged and gestured for her to open it up. 

Her careful fingers pulled the ribbon apart and she took the lid with both hands. He watched her closely, nervous for what her reaction would be. 

Zelda was quiet for a moment, her eyes locked on the contents of the box. When she lifted her head to look at him at last, there were tears glistening in the firelight. 

“Where did you find him?” she asked, her voice shaking.

“He was in that same crate on a shelf in your study. I brought it to Robbie and he was able to restore it,” he explained as he pressed the Sheikah Slate into her hands. Zelda tapped the screen with trembling fingers, and he bit back the urge to take her hand. 

A soft beep filled the air and a blue light burst from the crate. A metal claw gripped the edge of the box, then a blue eye appeared and flipped its lid in greeting. 

Zelda pressed a hand over her mouth and reached the other out towards the little guardian they’d found and studied all those years ago. It beeped again, pleased with her recognition, then scuttled out from the crate.

“It’s in near perfect condition. How did it get..?” But she decided she didn’t care and instead wrapped her arms tightly around Link, whispering out a million thank you’s. All he could do was press a kiss to her head and hold her close.

There were so many things he’d wanted to give her. There were so many things he wanted to say. But he knew of her love for the ancient technology, and he knew of her love for him. 

Even if her list hadn’t truly existed, he wanted to give her something special. He wanted to give her everything and more, but for now, he was okay just giving her comfort that he remembered. 

He remembered her, and he remembered their adventures, and he remembered her interests.

He remembered.

And by the kiss she’d given him, to the delight and cheering of the others, he thought it turned out to be the perfect gift after all.

Well, until the little guardian butted in with its opinion in not so polite beeps, but some things simply couldn’t be helped. 

[telltaleclerk]

Book Review - The Captive Prince Trilogy

I'm not going to lie... I got sucked into this series because of @linecrosser 's fanart... A bunch of it crossed my dash and I was like: Where is this from? What is the reference?!... and then I looked up this series and was like: this should be a fun little romance/erotica romp. Based on the description I thought that's what I was in for.

Holy shit was I wrong.

This series made me feel all of the emotions. ALL OF THEM.

If you're considering reading this PLEASE read the warning at the VERY end of this post under the cut. It's a very serious trigger warning.

This is the description from CS Pacat's website:

Damen is a warrior hero to his people, and the rightful heir to the throne of Akielos, but when his half brother seizes power, Damen is captured, stripped of his identity, and sent to serve the prince of an enemy nation as a pleasure slave.

Beautiful, manipulative and deadly, his new master Prince Laurent epitomises the worst of the decadent court at Vere. But in the lethal web of Veretian politics, nothing is as it seems, and when Damen is caught up in a dangerous play for the throne, he is forced to form an alliance with Laurent to survive and save his country.

For Damen, there is just one rule: he must never reveal his true identity. Because the one man Damen needs is the one man who has more reason to hate him than anyone else…

Honestly? How can you blame me for assuming it would be a mlm bodice-ripper style romance?

And although there is sexual content in the first book, it's not quite what I expected. At the Veretian court sex slaves perform in front of the court constantly. So although there's sex literally everywhere (LITERALLY... shall we sit down for some afternoon wine and watch the slaves have sex)... it's not quite how I expected it to go.

After that things go off the rails. There's everything you could want:

- Nasty and epic court politics

- Laurent is silver tongued and BRUTAL - you will find yourself finishing a scene and being like: BITCH YASSSSS

- Lots of laces to untie during the sex scenes when they come around... RAWR

- Epic battles and warriors

- Lots of queer content (although it is 99% mlm and there isn't a ton of female rep in this book) - the Vere centres around bastards being the absolute WORST possible thing that could EVER happen to you, but their society is very openly sexual... so they just have same sex lovers instead - men and women all have same sex lovers to prevent any bastards from coming around

- Love between soldiers (how can you beat that?! We fought alongside, now kiss me!!!)

- Betrayal

- SUCH EPIC ANGST I ALMOST DIED

In conclusion: I highly recommend this series. I read each book in one day. I cannot say enough about it. But if I say more I'm going to ruin some surprises because these books are CONSTANT twists and turns and deceptions.

She kept me guessing all the time. I kept thinking: IF THIS HAPPENS I'M GOING TO LOSE IT, BUT I DON'T SEE ANY WAY AROUND IT!!!... and then it would happen SOOO differently than I expected... but not in a cop-out kind of way.

WARNING: since I've already told you these books are very sexual... I'm not going to warn you of the sexuality... HOWEVER... there is some underage stuff in these books that is VERY UNNERVING. I will tell you right now that it's the bad guys who take advantage of underage boys... but it's still THERE. It's prevalent. It's painted as being evil (hence the bad guys being the abusers), but it is VERY prevalent. So if that's a trigger for you be warned that it has a big presence, particularly in the first book. Although it is still mentioned in the second and third books, you don't actually SEE it happening like you do in the first book.

[nattspencer]

In case of boredom - Part 1

Missy x reader

Part 1 (you’re here) / Part 2 / Part 3 - Complete 

Summary: The reader was always intrigued by the Time Lady. When she jumps into the TARDIS, the readers decided to write a little novel to take her out of boredom, putting little annoying riddles as a password to each file.

A/N: English is not my first language, I’m really sorry for any mistakes. Also, this is my first fanfic here, so please be kind. I already have a part two in mind for this, let me know if you want it.

Warnings: None

Word count: 1.9k

The GIF is not mine

      Sometimes you think your major problem is having too much empathy and caring so much for other people. You can’t just see someone feeling miserable and not try to do anything to cheer them up, even if this means just standing beside them, however, despite your best intentions, it often ends up hurting yourself, since you always internalize some of their issues. This wasn’t any different when a intergalactic murder time lady started traveling with you, Bill, Nardole and The Doctor.

       You had analyzed Missy since the first time you entered the vault with Mr. Eyebrows - you definitely adore calling him that way, the eyebrows always grows frowny proving your point right - primarily, it was just part of your hobby, you loved study people’s personalities - it always helped to create amazing characters for your tales - but there was something about her, something that scary and attractive at the same time and you never were so intrigued. Slowly, piece by piece, observing from a distance every single detail about her, you started to finally understand bits of what's going on under those pale blue eyes.

      The memory of Nardole’s panicked face when he saw Missy sitting comfortably on the TARDIS after your meet with the ninth legion flashed in your brain and it still makes you giggle, it wasn’t supposed to be funny, you were kinda scared in the moment as well, but his reaction and protests were really hilarious. Bill also tried to complain when she found out that the Time Lady would become a regular in the police box, but The Doctor promised that Missy wouldn’t kill any of you, and also the ship needed maintenance.

      As time passed by, you couldn’t agree more with the Time Lady’s words, she was as much a prisoner here as she was on the vault, and defitinaly as lonely too. Missy spent hours immersed in maintenance work while you all rushed throughout the universe in inimaginable adventures, and when the TARDIS finally fills up again, none of you dare to initiate a friendly conversation with her or even just be alone in her presence, too afraid of her impressibility. Nonetheless, the intriguing mocking smile never left her lips, always ready to toy with any of you, and without a doubt, always ready to annoy the Time Lord. No one would dare to say, but all of you loved to see her messing with Mr. Eyebrows.

      “Head in the clouds?” Bill asked sitting on your side, in the stairs of the console room.

      “Kinda, was it that obvious?” You just hoped not to be a weirdo for too long.

      “Looking at a random spot in the ground for hm… fifteen minutes? Yeah, very obvious, and knowing your eyes, you would probably stay like that for some hours” 

      “Sorry, sometimes I just wonder off, you know” You smiled shyly.

      “I do” She smiled back “I also know that your best histories comes out when you are like this, and believe me, I would let you wander off for hours just to read whatever you would write, but a certain Time Lady was starting to stare at you way too much, so I had to save my beautiful writer from weeks of mocking”

      “Oh, you are really my hero” You gave her an exaggerated hug that made you both lay down on the stairs, laughing.

      “Nothing is for free sweetie, I want a new tale on my table by tomorrow” She teased.

      “As you wish ma’am” You did a floppy continence to her order, and then, an idea crossed your mind.

      “Are you okay?” She asked when you got suddenly serious.

      “I think I just found a solution for something”

      “What something?”

     “You’ll see” You answer simply.

      “Just stay out of trouble little girl” She talked with a warning voice.

      “Considering where we are and who we travel with, I don’t think that would be rather possible”

      “Yeah, I suppose you’re right” She admitted with a little chuckle while she stood up “I'm going to bed, try to go sleep soon as well, it was a tiring day”

      “I’ll do my best, boss” She just showed you her tongue and left the room with a smile still dancing between her lips.

      Books! Missy was always reading something to try free herself from boredom, it wasn’t unusual to find some bloody murder mystery novel around her, so the thought came to your mind, maybe, just maybe, you could try to help her through the characters, encourage her to be good and, with some luck, write something that she would really get excited about. Howbeit, you know it wouldn’t be so easy, the plot needed to be tricky, mysterious, unpredictable, and also, you needed her to wait between chapters while you write them - patience was definitely not among her qualities and because of it, she could get bored really easily - so why not put a password in the each file, leaving a little riddle for her to find out? That could be fun.

      A week or so of planning and plotting has passed away and you started writing, thankfully it didn’t take long before two chapters were brought into life, although, you wanted to make sure that she was into your thread before finishing it all, so you began to ponder how to set the perfect bait. You waited until Missy and the Time Lord started their regular argument about some alien knowledge to sneak into the ship, fully aware that they would be busy for some hours and you wouldn’t get caught, you took one of the library's laptops and place it right in the middle of the central reading table, quickly transferring your files to the computer’s main workspace, aside it, you put a little printed note sticked to the screen with the words: In case of boredom. You knew it would trigger her curiosity, now you just have to wait.

      Hours later, when you came back from another intergalactical adventure, you innocently decided to pick a book from the library just for the sake of bed entertainment, of course, and you glanced a little hand write on your sticked note: Pick harder riddles next time. She definitely was on it, and you almost couldn’t hide a little victorious smile crawling to your lips. You kept feeding her with new chapters almost every day with the same strategy, waiting for her to get distracted before you sneak into the place and every single night, after you write, you stood up for hours in front of the computer trying to come up with an even harder riddle. Were in one of these nights that you suddenly realized, nothing would be more challenging for her than riddles about earth’s history, she probably didn’t bother in researching any of it before since Missy despised the planet. It was perfect, and it actually worked.

      Surely, even a terrestrial would have some problem solving your last one ’when the never setting sun empire had to apologize to the biggest lazio’s last flower’ but you didn’t expect to see one of the last of the Time Lords spend a whole three days in just one riddle. You could see by the little popped vein in her forehead how irritated she was for not finding the answer, however you didn’t dare to tease her about it or even talk about it at all, just allowed yourself to sense the little rewarding feeling taking over your chest. 

      On the fourth night, when you were walking towards your bedroom, after checking the Time Lady’s progress, you suddenly felt two arms smashing your body painfully against the corridor walls, and you didn’t have to look to know who it was, actually you were quite expecting this.

      “What is the answer?” Missy demanded with furious eyes and an arm crushing your chest to the wall.

      “Gave up already?” You don’t know where your courage was coming from.

      “If I were you, I would turn all the mocking down, kitten, I’ve killed for much less than that” She placed a hand in your face roughly rubbing your cheek.

      “You wouldn’t kill me” 

       “Why not? Did you forget? I’m bananas” She said very close to your face singing the last word.

      “You wouldn’t do it because you’re too into the story to let it go, too curious, but also too stubborn to ask for a tip from a insignificant little human, especially a tip from the history of a equally insignificant planet, so all your ego allowed you to do was pin me to a wall and demand for a answer, that was the only way you would get what you want and still be in command” Her grip loosened a little bit, and you could see a hint of shock on her beautiful ice eyes, probably no one has ever read her like that “Or I’m just wrong and you’re bananas, of course” You smiled “Either way, I’m willing to give you a tip: Lazio is a italian region, its name refers to the latins, people from whom the Romans descended. Romans in its turn, had Latin as their official language and the vulgar version of it originated tons of others languages, the most recent creation, as people believe, is Portuguese, witch the largest speaking country is Brazil, also, last lazio’s flower is a metaphor used by a important brazilian writer, Olavo Bilac, in one of his famous poems to refers to his mother tongue”

      “And how the hell I was supposed to know that?” Her teeth were clenched and her fingers were pressing your own jaw, not being gentle at all.

      “You weren’t, that’s rather the point dear, but before you throw all your anger in tiny little me, you were the one who asked for harder riddles, and all the information were on the internet, you just needed to find the right track”

      “That’s not harder, that’s just insignificant knowledge” She growned.

      “I know, but that was the only area that I probably would had a little more knowledge then you, so why not take it as a learning opportunity?” Your heart was pumping on your chest, and the adrenaline was present all over your body. Suddenly, she redrew her hands from you.

      “You’re interesting, pet, I’ll play your little game, but you better keep it high level, I get bored pretty easily you know, and you wouldn’t enjoy to talk with me like this when I’m not captivated, you might get kinda too dead”

      “I do acknowledge your facility in get bored, Mistress, had this in mind since day one”

      “Don’t get too arrogant, puppet, you don’t know so much of little old me as you might think”

      “Or you’re too used to be the attention focus to realize that someone, in the corner, is actually observing and analysing you”

      “Am I this important to you kitty cat? The Doctor might get a bit jealous” She raised a eyebrow teasefully.

      “You’re intriguing, Missy, and as you can see, I love intriguing people, always a good inspiration to my characters”

      “So you might want get a closer look” A smirk was growing in her lips as she got closer.

      “I would, if you hadn’t a research to make, you’re four days late” You said as you placed your forefinger in her lips, pushing her back.

      “You escaped this time baby girl, lets see for how long” the mischief was playing in her eyes.

      “You might be a good flirt, but so am I” You winked at her and started to walk calmly to your previous destination.

     “This will be definitely fun” Soon you heard her heels clicking quickly towards the library.

[niall-the-churchboy]

Just Like Family pt2 ~ Harry Styles

In which he tries to understand her, but she doesn’t want to be understood.

Pt1 is here

Warnings: swearing

Word Count: 2200

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Harry had always thought Y/n was cool. She had a nice group of friends and was always sweet towards people, not to say she was incredibly intelligent in math. He was always happy when he had a reason to approach her, sometimes being that he needed to ask a certain question for an assignment or she was talking to his girlfriend--ex now-- anyhow talking to her made him happy. 

But they weren’t friends, mostly because she would get really shy when talking to him--or any other boys he supposed-- and kept her head low preventing him from locking eyes with her. But he thought they were cool with each-other, when he smiled at her she would smile cheekily and then move her gaze away, something he though was friendly--I mean it was friendly. So why all of a sudden does she hated him so much?

He was sure something went off after his sister started dating Y/n’s brother, Harry was happy, meaning they could joke about it and maybe grow a bigger relationship. But no, oh how wrong he was. She became mean--no, not mean, but definitely more sour towards him. And he didn’t understand why, so he asked.

“Why do you hate me so much?”, the words came out easier than he though they would, he suspected it was because he had been overthinking it for days. He swang softly in the old swing, his feet hard on the grass. At first he didn’t dare to look at her and maintained his eyes glued to the night above them, but when she remained silent he turned to examine her.

She breathed out a huge lump of air and closed her eyelids for four quick second before speaking up. “I don’t-- I don’t hate you”, she then turned to look at him straight in the eye. Hers were slightly shining, the stars mirrored in her irises. “Then why do you act so indifferent towards me? I though we--”

“--I know I’ve been a bitch, it just hasn't been the best month. However you don’t deserve too be treated poorly by me, I’m really sorry Harry”, she explained with a sad frown on her head and Harry could tell she deeply regretted it. 

He gave her a single nod before looking up the sky again, the inside lights of the house brightened slightly the patio and the voices of the adults where almost faint. It was just them. 

“I though that now that our siblings are dating we could be friends”, Harry continued, “I always though you were cool.” Y/n snorts at his last words, and he stops short on his sentence.

“The Harry Styles himself is telling me I’m cool?”, she grinned at him triggering a warm feeling on his chest, “what shit did you drink?” He laughed with her noticing how her nouse would wrinkle, “what? What’s wrong with thinking you are cool?” They laughed for a few more second until Y/n quieted down, her cheeks slightly blushed as she turned away. “There’s nothing wrong, it’s just that--”

Harry waited for her to continue, memorising how she would bring her small hands together, sigh and lick her lips slightly. “I’ll probably sound stupid saying this and will regret it later, but--”, she sighed, “I find it funny because you’re mister cool, party king and everyone’s friend”, Y/n looked again at Harry, her cheeks still blushing, “people at school would pay for you to call them cool.”

His response is almost instant, “would you?” She kept looking at him and he swore he could see every though and emotion running through her head; confusion, embarrassment, even a bit of excitement. “Why...--why do you care what I think?”

“Because I think that you’re cool”, she laughed again at his response, her voice coming soft and almost sweet-like. She tugged her hair behind her ear and replied, “fine. If you think I’m sooo cool, I guess we can be friends.”

She hadn’t given a real response to his question, but he didn’t care as much, Y/n had opened up a tiny bit to him and that could have never meant more. 

---------------

Y/n was packing her things for the day, biting her lip slightly when she had to grab the heavy history book from her locker and throw it in her backpack. Tracy,  who was scrolling through her phone as she waited for her friend to finish, glanced up as a funny smile crept on her face.

“Would you freak out if I told you Harry Styles is walking towards us?”, she asked Y/n. “What? Right now?”, Tracy nodded as Y/n tried to hide her face inside the locker. “Hey..., my mom just texted me... I have to leave, Bye!”, Tracy smiled evilly at her friend before leaving her side, “Hi Harry”, she said as she passed next to the green eyed. “Hi Tracy”.

“Wait Tracy--.”

“--Hi Y/n”, too late, Harry had already reached her side and Y/n was sure she could not bury her face inside the locker any further. “Hi”, she said softly turning around with a single sigh and closing her locker. 

Why was Y/n so embarrassed all of a suden? The thing is, after what happened last Saturday night were they had agreed to be friends, Y/n’s feelings became even more stronger, and the ability she had somehow managed to obtain during the last two years had simply faded. Y/n was back at being all shy and mumbly when talking to Harry.  

“Everything's good?”, she nodded, cheeks blushing at the though that he had asked her how she was feeling. Harry though she was cute. “Okay, so I was thinking..., you know how we are together on that math project?”, he began. How could she forget?, Tracy had laughed at her all day long after Y/n rushed to tell her what had happened and how she would be all awkward about it. 

“Yeah I--, I recall”. Harry brushed to the side his hair, pleased to hear her voice, “wanna start now? I have football practice tomorrow and I believe my sister is at your house.”

Y/n zipped her backpack, hoisted it up her shoulders and ordered herself to just be chill. “Sure. However, we do have to walk home”,  she didn't wait for Harry to answer and began walking out the school, attempting to hide a smile when she heard his heavy footsteps reach her side.

The walk home was only ten minutes they spent on silence, thankfully for them it wasn’t an awkward silence, more like the comforting one. Harry examined her all through the walk, eyeing carefully each detail; how she would slightly raise her feet when walking, the way her chest came up and down every time she breathed, how she would lick her lips every now and then and would secure her hand on the backpack’ straps. Y/n, on the other hand, never once realised, her head was too deep in her thoughts; what should they do once they reach her house?; do they eat a quick snack before beginning?; do they go to her room?; should she tell Mason Harry is home?

To Y/n’s luck, her mother was there to save the day. “Hi sweetheart-- Oh, hello Harry”, she greeted them when they entered the house. “Hello Mrs. Y/L/N. We are doing a math project”, Harry walked and stuck out his hand for her to shake it, Y/n’s mother laughed and hugged him. “Please, Harry. Call me Susan”, she said with a sweet smile, “Y/n go upstairs to your room, I’ll bring you guys some snacks”.

If you would have told Y/n about a month ago that Harry Styles would be in her room she wouldn’t have believed you, but surely enough there was Harry. He waited for Y/n to tell him that he could leave his backpack on the floor and then he started analysing. The room was girly, not something he had expected but it was nice, anyone could tell this was Y/n’s room. 

Her queen bed was placed in the middle against one of the walls, its comforter was a soft --almost white-- tone of pink, with a fuzzy throw blanket and matching throw pillows. Opposite to her bed a big wooden bookshelf held tons of books, stuffed animals, boxes with bows and a picture frame or two. There was also a nice delicate white desk and what seemed like millions of pictures and photos sticked on the wall above it. 

“I’m sorry it’s messy”, Y/n sat in her bed trying to keep her cool or else she would start mumbling again. However, her room wasn’t messy, not even approaching a similar synonym. Her room was delicate and organised and full of light. Harry felt good. Besides he could swear he smelt something close to flowers..., Jasmine maybe.

“What are you talking about?”, he laughed, “if this is messy then you wouldn’t dare to see my room”. She laughed too and that broke some of the tension. 

-------

“Okay, break please”, Harry asked bringing both his hands to his face and falling on the carpet floor.  Y/n laughed at him and placed the math equations aside gaining a smile from him. “I swear I don’t understand quadratics! It’s so messed up!”

Both Harry and Y/n were in math high, meaning that their class would always be a little more ahead of other from the same class year, however it also meant that a part of the class where juniors and Y/n was terrified of them. 

“It’s not as hard, you just need to let it flow. You don't choose quadratics, quadratics choose you”, Y/n’s stomach flipped when a deep chuckle escaped from Harry’s lips, rosy, smooth lips. Y/n wondered how they would feel against hers.

“Hey, Y/n. Y/n”, Harry repeated shaking his hand in front of her face trying to gain her attention. “Sorry--”, she mumbled feeling her face grow hot. “All’s good, you just completely zoomed away. What was so interesting?”, he asked, his voice ringing with curiosity. Y/n tried to shake away the though of Harry’s lips, of Harry’s laugh, Harry’s eyes, god-- Harry altogether! But each time, she felt herself falling deeper, deeper in the green irises that eyed her carefully. 

“Y/n? You are doing it again...” Why was everything about him so fucking intoxicating? It’s like he every single thing he did or say had Y/n falling on her knees and she hated that. Y/n was familiar with the feeling of a crush, in fact she had many crushes before she met Harry, but that was before she met Harry. Harry wasn’t just a crush, Y/n could swear she loved him. And she knew that sounded stupid because she didn’t believe in love at first sight or all those cheesy things, she always though that you had to get to know that certain person to love them, and she didn’t know much about Harry except that he was cool, he played football with his friends and was very friendly towards everyone.  But then why did everything about him felt so captivating? So mind feeling?

At first it was just a nice appreciation towards his eyes, a little acceptance that he was in fact very handsome. But her feelings just seemed to escalate since the first day in the math classroom. She suffered for almost two years mumbling when talking with him, blushing uncontrollably when he caught her looking, but she had learn how to contain her feelings and keep them bottled up in the back of her head. However, now, him in her bedroom, everything was suddenly much intense. Maybe before too --she thought-- when her brother and his sister started dating, when he began talking to her more frequently in the hallways, that night in her patio when he said he wanted to be friends.

But it was so strong, her stomach flipping back and forth, her chest so hard she could have swore it was going to burst open, butterflies flying away. “Hey, are you okay?”, Harry was persistent, he needed to know if something was going on, little did he know it was him. Y/n glanced up, locking eyes with him again before muttering, “I think you need to go”.

“What?, I couldn’t hear you clearly”, her voice had been so out of breath that it made it nearly impossible for Harry to understand what she was saying. “I think you need to go”, she repeated bitting her lip. Harry was taken back, he certainly didn’t expect that, had he done or said something wrong? “Why? Is something wrong?” She shook her head almost immediately, too fast to believe her, “No, everything is okay. It’s just--. Like you said, I think it’s enough of quadratics for a day, we should finish it later”. 

Everything was happening so quickly Harry didn’t know how to react, they had been lying on the floor a minute ago, laughing and enjoying each other's company, and suddenly she was standing up opening her door and gesturing for him to leave. He couldn’t think of something, to tell her that his sister was still here so he should wait for her, to ask her if she wanted to watch a movie, play a game or even just talk. Harry didn’t understand Y/n, and the way she acted it seemed she didn't want to be understood. 

So he grabbed his things quickly and left, leaving a disorientate Y/n in her bedroom, too scared at her feelings and emotions. 

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Okay! Part 3 is coming when I find time.... Anyways thank you all so much for 200 followers!!!!!!!!!!, it really means a lot to me and I hope you are all staying safe and having fun!! xx 

pt3 is here

Masterlist

[lixiefe]

Can’t Touch - k.sm

Chapter Five : You Knew It, Didn’t You? 

Words: 1.7k

Warnings: none for now.

KIM SEUNGMIN sat on his work desk, blankly staring at the bright lit screen, trying his best to criticize the gridded excel file. But no matter how much he tried, snapped himself back, he could not focus on the large numbers in each grid. It all seemed multilingual and incoherent, something he couldn't understand.

His mind occupied him with a brigade of thoughts regarding the night he’d met you. The sudden rush of burning agitation and the fear of contamination was there before. But they occurred so seldom that it hadn't bothered him as much. And he foolishly thought that it was because he had been positively salty with physical contact. His parents had always warned him of virus infection, telling him getting caught in plagues, or even a simple germ infection was dangerous. Maybe it was because he had been too self-cautious, or too clean.

He wasn't really as much affected when his mother lightly patted him or when Jisung unannouncedly smacked him on the back, even though the older was highly cautious. He didn't feel like he was disgusting, or that there could be a sporadic radiation of bacteria from any of them, spreading into tons and millions in the span of days. Maybe it was because of the fabric coating his bare skin, but whatever it was, he didn't care now. He needed to get this burden off of his chest, needed to experience comfort in embrace and caresses. Without this feeling holding him back.

And what made him reconsider his precarious condition? That too- after all this time?

And his mind rewound back to that one meeting.

He didn't really believe in love at first sights, heck- he didn't even believe in the worldly desires and desideratum of physical contact. But he really didn't want you to feel like you triggered him- which you did however- and he felt that this issue was larger than he'd anticipated. That is especially as there was an obvious case of you living with him, he didn’t want to freak you out.

"Yo!" a booming voice jolted him from his dazing notions. He promptly looked up, meeting eyes with his annoyingly supportive best friend, who waved his hand in robotic squares. He sped towards Seungmin, propping himself up on both of his hands as his shoulders lifted upwards.

Stop making yourself look like a roblox mechanic! Seungmin thought.

Jisung simply looked with squinted eyes, suspicion swirling in his brown orbs as he scrutinized the latter for a moment, before he spoke, "Girl problems?"

Seungmin felt like he could yeet that man out of here and into the hypothetically junkyard of an office he wretchedly called his and superglue him there for the rest of the eternity. Girl problems were the last thing to be on Seungmin's plate and no one knew it better than Jisung. However the guy annoyed him, Seungmin couldn't deny that he did catch the tiniest concerns on his mind.

But he did leave out the major ones, the ones that were the initiation of anything.

"No, Jisung. You opinions surprise me." Seungmin spoke, much-irritated.

The last time when Seungmin had pondered intensely, it was to think if his decisions for the post-meeting was right or not. And Jisung had picked out the most minuscule detail of his probable notions and asked him if he was thinking about Mr.Park – who was the presenter of the proposition. And that's when Jisung questioned him about his sexuality with wide eyes and protective stance- which he honestly didn't know. And one thing escalated to another and Seungmin shoved him inside his suffocating cube of a room again.

"So, whatcha thinking?" Jisung asked, an aggravating yet carefree smile residing on his face. 

Seungmin contemplated from where exactly he was supposed to start. It had been there since he could remember, probably since Jisung could remember as well. "I just- you know, I've always been physically kept to myself, right?" Seungmin began, reluctance evident in his voice. He knew that Jisung remembered, quite acutely actually.

Jisung was the only person who had given him more than five panic attacks, also regarding his last attempt of touching the squeamish guy , for experimental purpose. Seungmin didn't know what experiment Jisung could have possibly done, and he had brushed it away.

Jisung paused for a moment. His eyes freshened up and ears perked up, as if he was about to experience the revelation of the worlds eight wonder. "Did you finally realize that this- this isn't normal?" Jisung asked.

Seungmin furrowed his brows at him, head tilting to a side. Han Jisung was one unpredictable lad. He might have looked like an open book, but had lots in his supposedly non-thinking languid brain. It was a wonder to Seungmin how Jisung severely observed his sudden discomfort, but never bothered to question his about it.

Wasn’t it irritating?

He did remember Jisung telling him to figure himself out, and take action, but he never knew what that meant. "You noticed it, didn't you? Tell me why, why is this happening to me?" slightly frustrated, Seungmin cringed at both at his late realization and his issue.

The cool-headed, demure and composed Kim Seungmin that everyone knew, was now experiencing intensive emotions. And that meant, he was vulnerable. And he didn’t like at one bit.

He had been exposed to Jisung before and as a trusted friend, Jisung never turned him down. Instead, Jisung appreciated him sharing his concerns, even though it started with him guessing the tiniest concern of his dear friend. Which was idiotic in a way.

"I say, you should go see a psychiatrist. I do have a hinge on what you're experiencing, but it would be better to get diagnosed by a professional." Jisung replied. If it were any another friend, Jisung would've patted him on the back to show his concern and care, told him all his words of help, but he knew it was better not to.

"Can you help me on this?" It was Seungmin's rare times, when he was seen requesting someone instead of ordering. Seungmin was now terrified. All these years, he fervently believed himself to be normal and the thought of any disorder scared him. Disorders meant a bind, a crucial constrain holding one back from ordinary living. And he didn't want that, at all.

"Sure thing, bro. It's obvious. Ever since high school, I did a little research on your behaviors. It could either be a type of phobia or it could be a compulsive disorder. However, both of them differ in one factor. Which is anxiety and panic."

Seungmin didn't know which of the two possibilities contained feelings of anxiety. Both of them sounded equally horrific, equally dreadful to him. But they were incurable, right?

"Is this what your experiment was about?" 

Jisung let out a nervous giggle, signaling a 'you got it' with his hands.

"Oh my god. I feel so stupid," Seungmin dropped his head on both of his palms, regretting his dam care choices of life. If only he had realized sooner, if only he got himself treated earlier.

"I had kept a search of helpful and popular psychiatrists, and I actually picked two out of them all, two best ones. They both have excellent qualifications, and I personally know one of them. And forgive me for this, but I discussed about you with him. I knew this day would be coming. But oh man, you took a long long time." Jisung spoke. Jisung had this prepared a while ago, and he was only waiting for the right chance. To say Seungmin was surprised would be saying less. He felt more than grateful for having such a magnificent friend.

Jisung didn't get paid enough for caring so much, but well, he didn't complain. Seungmin had treated him to food countless times and that was the pay for all his efforts.

But it was still less.

Seungmin looked up from his hands as he sighed in disappointment at himself. "You're the most- I don't even have words- the most expedient person in my life." He said, sincerity apparent in each syllable. His nasally voice making it sound even more grateful.

"So you agree I am not some messy, clumsy worker under your company," Jisung said, offering the younger a proud smirk, trying to ease the tension. Jisung didn't like rigidities, nor did he prefer serious talks. He tried his best to lift up the mood, even if it meant degrading himself to the pitch of the deepest well. Exactly why he didn’t have a clean reputation.

"You still need to arrange your office, Jisung. It's unbearable. And please do clean out your coffee mugs."

"I am cleaner than most people, you underestimate my dignity," Jisung faked a cry, lips pouting and hands sprawled over his chest. He looked like an offended squirrel to Seungmin but he knew that this was another dramatic attempt of making him smile. And it worked.

Seungmin had went to his office, once and he regretted every second of it. His office was disturbing to the eye and there were way too many papers scattered around, clutter of various files splayed on the couch and on his desk, with extremely disarranged stationaries. It was plain traumatizing. He had left that place as soon as he entered, with a prominent scowl on his lips.

"Only your body is clean." Seungmin said, laughing. The said boi also dropped his horrible act and laughed along with his friend. His attempts never went in waste, and this was a quality many envied; of lifting up the mood anytime.

As their laughter died down, Jisung fished out a business card from his pocket, before handing it to Seungmin. Jisung stared at him, awaiting his reaction when the latter took it from his hands.

Looking down at it, Seungmin asked, "How many days did you have it for?"

"Almost a year man. I have more in my office, since I lose them a lot. And you never know when your friend would ask for help." He replied casually.

As Jisung left his cabin, Seungmin stared at the fancy card, readying himself to face his fears.

Christopher Bahng Chan

Mental psychotherapy and councilor.

--

a/n: I feel guilty about this. This is not good at all. But I didn’t have the chance to rewrite this. 

[doraselwyn]

Is that PANDORA SELWYN we can see entering the Ministry of Magic? Our records tell us that they were born on 21 DECEMBER and are a 26 year old, HALF-BLOOD who currently works as SPELL INVENTOR & WRITER FOR THE QUIBBLER. Some have said that they can be described as being COMPASSIONATE, IDEALISTIC & INNOVATED, however, they also see themselves as being SUPERSTITIOUS, IMPULSIVE & OBSESSIVE. Apparently, SHE looks a lot like ELIZABETH OLSEN, whoever that is, and if they had to pick a side in the war, they would choose to REMAIN NEUTRAL.

hey there demons, it’s me, ya boy, back at it again with another character, who could not be any more opposite to my first. anyway, please enjoy pandora she’s a shit starter. 

trigger warning: miscarriage.

basics.

001. full name. pandora juniper selwyn.

002. name meaning.           pandora ( greek ): gift.          arcturus ( latin ): young.

003. nicknames. pan, dora, panda (by her parents), dorie. 

004. gender + pronouns. cisfemale, she, her.

005. age. twenty-six, born december 21, 1953.

006. blood status. half-blood.

007. sexual orientation. pansexual. 

personality.

001. zodiac. sagittarius.

002. mbti. enfp.

003. enneagram. type seven, the enthusiast. 

004. moral alignment. chaotic good.

005. temperament: sanguine.

006. archetype. the jester.

007. element. fire.

008. personality traits.          positive. compassionate, idealistic, innovative, selfless.          neutral: proud, absent-minded, soacey, impressionable.          negative: superstitious, impulsive, obsessive, fickle.

affiliation.

001. parents.           virgil selwyn           rosalie selwyn, née merrick.

002. siblings.           none.

003. extended family.           virginia selwyn ( paternal aunt )           adeline selwyn ( cousin )

004. relationship status. engaged.

005. allegiance. neutral.

006. pets. a half-kneazle named artemis; a great grey owl named athena. 

magical stats.

001. wand.          pine wood.          8 and ½ inches.          unicorn hair.          swishy.

002. boggart. xenophilius dying as a result of a spell gone wrong.

003. patronus. thestral.

004. amortentia. chocolate chip cookies, honey and coconut, ocean breeze, and blue raspberry.

character tropes.

001. crowd pleaser.

002. friend to bugs.

003. the klutz.

004. agent mulder.

005. erudite stoner.

006. mysterious waif.

007. challenge seeker.

008. kitsch collection.

009. putting on my thinking cap.

key information.

001. she’s very close with her parents and calls them at least once a week, if she doesn’t end up seeing them first. she started inventing spells to help her father get around easier after he broke his leg and her mom was working so she couldn’t be there to help.

002. her house is cluttered. she’s sentimental as hell and keeps mementos from everything. there’s a flower from her first date with xenophilius, ticket stubs from movies and concerts, tons of little things given to her over time. she’s constantly putting up new shelves to display and store them.

003. as a writer for the quibbler, she refuses to pick a side in the upcoming war, claiming journalistic integrity but she’s knows what side she would pick and she fears death eaters coming after her fiance and her parents. 

004. she hates wearing shoes. don’t ask her to explain, because she can’t. she’ll wear them in public but more often than not, if she’s in the woods, exploring, she’s walking barefoot.

005. pandora is seriously accident prone. she injures herself regularly and doesn’t know where any of the bruises come from, she can’t keep track of them all.

006. she was a bit of a wild child in her teenage years and got arrested with weed by muggle cops between her sixth and seventh year at hogwarts. her parents weren’t mad, especially since it was her first offense, but they have yet to let her live it down. it doesn’t help that she still gets high, she’s just better at hiding it. they had her mugshot printed and hung it on their fridge. 

007. she bakes when she’s stressed and she bakes in large quantities. there’s usually enough to cover every flat surface in the house and her friends often get gifts of brownies and pie. 

008. she’s recently suffered a miscarriage and is still coming to terms with the loss. no one except the healers knew she was pregnant, not even xenophilius.

009. she drives an old taxi. it was the car she bought after leaving hogwarts and she’s adored it from the moment she saw it. 

010. she will pack bond with anything. a stuffed animal? his name is frank. the toaster’s broken? can’t throw it away, she has too many memories with it. magic only goes so far, so she’ll hold on to a lot of things because she’s too sentimental to get rid of them.

wanted connections.

001. friends. all the friends!! she’s an excitable baby who will make friends with anyone who listens to her! be nice and respectful and there’s a decent chance she’ll love you. 

002. people she’s interviewed. she writes for the quibbler and sometimes will interview people for articles! i’d love to do something with that.

003. people wary of her/she’s wary of. pandora is too nice, it often seems too good to be true. i’m sure there’s some people who don’t believe it comes for free and don’t trust her. likewise, there are people she doesn’t trust and, while she’s normally an open book, she doesn’t let them close enough to know anything about her.

004. more to come !