#i STILL get guilt dreams of my ex sometimes and i wasnt even in love w her rly. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shyrose57 · 3 years

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Brothers anon, im gonna start combing the two separate submissions again cause its getting too short to have them separate I think?

1: His possession messed with memories Ranbob had before, so memories of school friends or playing with Ran were distant to erased. Though after Dreams possession it was also harder to make and keep memories. But thankfully as Ranbob was recovering from Dream and got futher away making memories came eaiser to him, though he'll never get back the memories he lost.

3: Oh he would very quickly grow to regret his decision, but it would be funny. And Benjamin would later admit that while it was annoying and stressful, it was also fun and he was very happy to have his two families meet and generally get along.

8: Everyone is just in shocked silence before Cletus just goes "YEAHHHHHHHHHH!" Oddly happy that Ranboo committed so much arson. Oh definitely, after all the outcasts of society where put there. Of course people would make such negative rumors about Mizu and treat the people as the scum of the earth. Though this also means, people don't know what happened in Mizu, and anyone who knows, view it in a more happy and a "Their finally gone" type of way, then viewing it as the tragedy it was.

Spoons is a card game technically. A group of people sit in a group and everyone gets 4 cards, and you keep discarding at least 1 card of yours to the person on your left, who then does the same to their person on their left, the last person in the group puts a card into a discard pile. The goal is to get 4 of the same cards, and once someone gets 4 of the same cards, that person goes and grabs a spoon in a pile in front of them (let's say there's 5 players, theres only going to be 4 spoons cause there's always a spoon less than the people playing), once they grab one anyone can grab a spoon. And the person who doesn't get a spoon gets a S added to them, once Spoons is spelled the person gets out of the game, and a spoon gets removed to continue the game. Basically for flowers its played the exact same way but with flowers in the middle expect for spoons.

11: I just imagine Dream sulking in a corner as you yell at him and him going like "well I didn't know…" as he kicks a stone. And he wasnt sure what it was, but quickly jumped on the idea that maybe it was the fact that Ran was still alive somewhere, and that that's causing Ranbob to willingly let himself become weak and defy him. Causing Dream to become angrier at Ran and punish Ranbob harder.

----

3: During the brothers fight in the storm, and after everyone runs off to find Ranbob, Ran is left alone. And he decides to just wander off into the storm, not protecting himself from the rain so he does get burnt. The whole time he's lost deep in thought and isn't really paying attention. He continues to wander for a whole day unfollowed (because after the Gladiators and Fishermen came back to the cave after finding Ranbob they are in no rush to find Ran and decide to look for him after the storm passes, which takes a full day) and at some point Raq finds him wandering. Which Raq then uses Rans distraction to his advantage and attacks him. At first only really the gladiators where concerned when they found Ran gone. But once they found him blinded and terrified everyone felt awful and a looming sense of guilt. And everyone continued to feel that way, even after they got the antidote and Ran started to see again.

4: They would just leave Ranbob alone and check in on him every now and again. But generally let him deal with it himself. They'd feel guilty leaving him alone, but they also know that they can't really do anything for him as their not prepared or briefed on how to help him in this situation.

10: Oh definitely, even with Ran blinded they would've been kicked out immediately for fighting, without even a second glance. Dont forget, Ran still cares for his brother. And maybe, losing his sight made him face the side of him that wanted to become family again with Ranbob, maybe it brought enough to light that he just can't ignore it anymore. Mostly only negative potions can be permanent, like posion, blinding, wither, and nausea (I know the last like 3/2 are effects but they've also found a way to make effects into potions.). You already know what a antidote for blindness would be. A antidote for wither would be, a ghast tear (actually a basic ingredient for almost every antidote), blaze powder, and glistening melon to make a overpowered healing potion. Antidote for posion would be ghast tear, swiftness (so it acts fast to get rid of the posion), and the 3rd ingredient depends on what kind of posion it was (posion that has a side effect of constricting or filling the lungs with water? Pufferfish and Turtle shell for last ingredients. Posion that has weakness? Blaze powder, and glistening melon) And antidote for nausea would be ghast tear, and potion of slowness to allow the person to slowly feel better, so their nausea doesn't hit them all at once before disappearing, which can cause them to throw up or have side effects.

13: Thats exactly what they did.

14: Jackie will 100% attempt to fight God and no one can stop him. :) (to be honest im not sure yet, I know I want to do more with Raq and have the idea that maybe he could be the person that finds Dream and gets him out of Mizu, but that's pretty often used in stories and I want to try to think of something more unique. Maybe I'll have it so Raq actually manages to capture the brothers or at least one of them and uses them as blackmail?)

15: When Ranbob was a child and Ran was just a baby Ranbob would often take Ran out of his crib and take him to go watch the fish swim by. When Ran was old enough he'd follow Ranbob everywhere, even a few times he managed to sneak into Ranbobs class room and almost wasn't caught. Ran got extremely clingy one day and managed to gather his haunting all up into his arms and carried them around, even though he was obviously struggling. And Ranbob used to complain about his teachers and idiotic classmates whenever he got home, which is funny when you consider Ran was very impressiable at the time and Ran started mimicking Ranbob, leading to him cursing, much to Ranbobs dismay.

And im curious, do you have any questions that I havent answered? Or do you have any ideas for anything? I'd love to hear whatever you have to say about anything honestly!

Course! I dont have much lore wise other than they go to Kelalen and when they hear Dream is still around they decide to stay back to help fight him. But the idea I have is that Karl is just kinda hanging with everyone I listed, talking about allies or treaties when his time traveling clock/watch starts to go off, and he panics, but sadly in his haste to stop it he makes it worse and it grabs everyone, where they end up in the future. After hours of confusion and explaining they calm down. When 2 days later they find the Gladiator and Fishermen group, at first Karl is strongly against going to then for help, but everyone basically ignores him and go to ask for help. Hours of explanation and proof giving later the GF (Gladiator and Fishermen, got tired of writing it out) group sadly tells them that they cant really help. Until Ran (who was previously gone searching the surrounding area and making sure it was safe) appears high up on a tree (cause I just can't get the image of Ran on a tree and looking comfortable and confident as hell out of my head), and says that maybe Kelalen can help, if not going to Foolish may be a good alternative. Isaac, and Grievous are extremely against going back (at this time a 2 months have past since they left Kelalen)n saying it could be dangerous but Ran just aboustely shoots them down, along with Watson and Jackie agreeing with Ran, and Karls group agreeing to it. They head off to Kelalen. And Jackie is extremely excited at the potential of going to see Foolish finally. And it'd probably be like a sub au where the brothers au is the main backbone for it but at a certain point it separates from the au and becomes its own.

1: Okay, ouch. Can you imagine if Ran brought one of those memories up, and just had Ranbob look confused, or horrified, depending on how quick he realizes what happened? How would Ran react to that realization, both before and after he forgives Ranbob?

3: If nothing else, everyone got some laughs from it-even Benjamin, once his friends were far, far away from his family and not able to teach them more chaos.

8: Cletus, why are you so happy? Do you just enjoy knowing chaos existed back then? Are you an arsonist? What’s up with you?

Also, wow. Not cool, other city people, that’s very mean.

Spoons sounds like it’s interesting, I might try it sometime. Did the group just have those cards on them? What other games did they have?

11: Good, put Dream back in the corner, I’m gonna be yelling more. Because, seriously dude? I know you probably exist solely out of spite, but c’mon. Admittedly, from a certain point of view, it could be considered amusing that your first thought was that Ranbob was making himself weaker out of defiance/spite but like. From a more responsible and mature viewpoint, that’s incredibly stupid, and I-just. Buddy, hate to tell you, but I’m pretty sure that’d just be a you thing. Besides you were in Ranbob’s head, didn’t he think Ran was dead? It doesn’t even make sense. Good lord, I’m half-tempted to get the broom and chase you around like you’re a particularly unruly barn cat.

------

3: First of all, that sounds really scary for Ran. Second of all, are we getting an overprotective arc?

4: Kind of sad, but understandable, they’re dealing with the situation as best they can.

10: Even if the group was provoked by the townspeople? Potions sound really cool, wish I could make those in real life, tbh.

13: W-what do you mean ‘that’s exactly what they did’? Anon, is your friend, like, a legit gremlin? I’m spooked.

14: Foolish takes one look at Jackie, wearing a smile that exactly matched Tubbo’s when he was about to cause chaos, and immediately nopes out of that. He knows that face, and he will not be getting tangled into a fight with a goblin child today, no sir. I’m sure Jackie tries regardless though. (Also, that sounds like that goes horribly, do we get an overprotective ender-sibling, for whoever gets captured or used as blackmail, if that’s what you do?)

15: I love all of these so much, oh my gosh. Baby Ran seeing the fishes and following his big brother around. Poor Ranbob’s face when his baby brother cursed one day, Ran trying to carry all of his haunting. I’m in tears, honestly.

Umm...I can’t think of anything right now, to be honest. If I ever do have a question or idea though, I’ll through it on the Brothers AU tag for you to check out, I guess.

Oh, this sounds really cool. The part about them just ignoring their local time traveler when they’ve just time traveled particularly amuses me, as does Jackie wanting to see Foolish-I feel like Foolish may be a little more than terrified to see both Tubbo and Jackie back, honestly. Why was Ran willing to help them so much? What did they do to offer proof? How did Ranbob react once they proved who they were? How does all the group get along? Are they Ranboo’s haunting, and if so, if Ranboo gets close with his descendants, does he merge his hauntings with theirs? How does the time group feel about the Brothers fighting, and Ranbob’s possession?

#Brothers AU #dream smp #dream smp au #tales from the smp #ranbob #tubbo #ranboo #foolish gamers

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words-for-holland · 4 years

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Happier (4) | T.H.

Summary: Y/N & Tom speak to each other for the first time in 3 weeks! Tom is in talks of doing a new movie. Lots of yelling, painful pictures being sent. Harrison and Harry go on a trip. Does Kate finally tell the truth to Y/N?

A/N: Hmmm....seems like Natalie & Matt is everyone’s favorite/hated suspects. More theories lets hear em!!!

Sanctuary

Its a word often used to protect those within a troubling world. For some it’s a church, a home, sometimes a family and friend. For Y/N and Tom, sanctuaray was no where to be found. Three weeks it’s been since the world felt like it collapsed on Y/N and Tom. Three weeks of feeling left in a troubling space that they could not get out of...until now. As soon as they heard each other’s voices on the phone, it gave them a moment of relief, but only for a moment.

“So...how are you?” Tom asks nervously. He wanted to pick his words out carefully in hopes that he wouldn’t upset her.

“Im okay.” Y/N responds quietly as she looks back at her phone. No message yet, maybe she was in the clear and that gave her a small boost of confidence. It was going to be okay. “How about you?” She asks back, not really sure how to carry the conversation. In any case, how does one continue talking to an ex without making it awkward? Let alone how does one talk to someone without the fear of being blackmailed.

“Yeah Im great...really great.” Tom lies and chuckles nervously.

Y/N could tell by the tone of his voice how nervous he was. A habit she always found to be adorable for him. Y/N rolled her eyes with a slight smile before she questions him in a serious tone “Why did you call Tom?”

Tom closes his eyes, letting out a stressed sigh. “I miss you Y/N and I dont care what you say or what you said to me that night, but this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“I miss you too but things happen beyond our control, Tom. Sometimes it just can’t be helped.” Y/N responds nonchalantely, staring at her phone again. No messages still.

“Thats a load of bullshit and you know it. We were supposed to get through anything. Fuck the rumors fuck everything! This isn’t like you Y/N!” Tom vents out every feeling and thought he had since she left. “You say you miss me but then what are we doing? Why are we continuing to hurt ourselves like this?”

Y/N shakes her head, knowing deep down the reason why but could never say. Not unless she wanted to ruin his dream. She could never. “It’s not that simple.” She croaked.

“We would have found a way to get through it, but you gave up so easily. I know for a fact my Y/N never gave up without a fight.”

Y/N looks again at her phone, and no messages were to be found. Maybe she could tell him, and they wouldnt know, but Y/N knew better. Somewhere out there there was someone always watching her every move. “I cant do this right now. Goodbye Tom.” Y/N hangs up as she continues to cry herself to sleep. So much for sanctuary.

Its the morning after, and as Y/N heads downstairs, she hears soft laughter and conversations echoing through the halls. For a second it almost sounded like Tom’s, and she hurried toward the room only to be disappointed. In the living room was Matt and Kate as they made small talk awaiting for Y/N’s arrival.

“Y/N! You’re awake!” Kate exclaims as she gets up from the seat to give her a hug. “Look who decided to drop by!”

Matt looked up at Y/N and gives her a shy smile and wave. He’s dressed in his navy blue LBI shirt and cream colored shorts. It was typical high school Matt...nothing had changed with him.

“Yes I see that....I’m sorry did we have plans and I forgot?” Y/N asked confused.

“No actually uh I invited him over because I knew you wanted to catch up with him after last week..so I pulled some strings.” Kate whispers.

“You..what?” Y/N asked annoyed, her eyes glaring and her brows furrowed. If there was one thing Y/N hated it was blind dates. She had stressed that over and over throughout the years that she hated it, especially with people she used to have romantic feelings for. The keyword..USED.

“Cmon Y/N. Remember this was the time for you to move on and forget. Plus you wouldn’t want to send him away after he came here just to see you!” Kate tries her best to sell it, she had to...there’s wasnt really a choice.

Y/N looked back at Matt and groaned silently to her best friend. “Fine I’ll go, but this is the last blind date you’re ever setting me up on AND you’re doing the dishes.” She emphasized as she got ready and grabbed her purse.

To say Y/N was surprised was an understatment. For sure, she had a feeling this was going to be awkward in so many ways like any other first dates, but this...wasn’t too bad. Though she realized it wasn’t a date this was just two old friends catching up from the past.

She learned a lot about him and how his younger brother Steven was working on becoming an engineer and how his little sister Emily was also grown up and working towards becoming a physical therapist. As for Matt, he was working in the city too as an accountant for a finance firm. While they continued to eat their lunch at Chelsea’s Market, she couldn’t help but make the comparisons.

Matt didn’t dress up like Tom, didnt make her laugh like Tom does, didnt make her blush the way Tom does, didnt smile like Tom, and when he touched her hand...she didnt feel the goosebumps the way Tom would. It was clear. He wasn’t Tom and could never be Tom.

The date came to a close, but Y/N hadn’t really gathered much from it since she was so focused on Tom. Every word Matt had said to her barely made it through. She’d be lying if she didnt say the date was okay but she’d be lying even more if she had said she’d enjoy it.

She looked into his blue eyes as he looked into hers. Matt tried to lean forward to give her a kiss, but Y/N moved away. She couldnt. Not when Tom was still present in her thoughts and her mind. “Im sorry...I just got out of a serious relationship and well —” Y/N whispers feeling guilt in her heart.

“No no. It’s fine really. Maybe I was too forward with this and I had no idea....I’m sorry.” Matt laughs, feeling heavily disappointed. “I’ll uhh I’ll see you around?” Y/N nods as she waves him goodbye.

The next day, Tom wakes up in his bed still praying that this whole phase was just a nightmare he’s still having trouble waking up from. Today was not that day. He got up and dressed appropiately knowing that today would be a meeting for his upcoming project. He had forgotten all about it especially with everything going on. When he arrived and entered the room with Harrison, Natalie also appeared sitting in one of the chairs with a smile and coffee on hand.

“Jesus you’re like everywhere now.” Harrison speaks out taking the seat across from her, while Tom takes the seat next to Harrison.

“Well I mean I do live with you guys temporarily until my flat gets fixed, and I did get cast in the same movie as Tom.” She laughs pointing out the obvious.

Tom looked up, his eye wide open and brows raised. He completely forgot the fact that she was going to be playing his love interest for the film. He tried to recall if he had told Y/N about it before and if maybe that’s why she was also mad. Maybe if he told her now, that would make her feel better? Tom was lost in his thoughts he didnt hear the other publicists in the room calling out to him. “Tom are you listening?”

Harrison quickly hits his best friend to wake him up from his thoughts. “Huh? Uh..no sorry.” Tom confesses, looking down at the table.

The publicists, both roll their eyes in annoyance. “We’re telling you that you need to do a lot of PR for this movie in order to boost the sales, and recoginition for both you and Natalie. This means..you’re going to have to pretend you’re in a relationship for some time.”

Tom and Harrison are now fully attentive and furious. “What?! Im not doing PR for this. That is low for the both of us. We shouldnt have to fake a relationship to get our work across” Tom yells out fury burning in his brown eyes.

“I know Tom, but no one watches it for the films nowadays it’s about the image, and right now we’re trying to help both of yours and Natalie’s. You’ve been looking liek a depressed bloke this past month and Natalie is trying to get some exposure in the business.” The publicists expalin. “Harrison, help us out here.”

“Look mate, Im just his assistant. It’s up to Tom if he wants to do this or not.” Harrison speaks out as he points to his best friend. He faces Tom and whispers, “You don’t have to do this mate, there are other projects out there.”

Tom nods, as he looks at the room of people. He closes his eyes, but all he could see was Y/N. Deep down, Tom knew he couldnt do this to her. “I..I don’t think I can do this.”

Natalie and the publicists’ eyes shot up in fear, unhappy with the response given. They knew there was only one thing they could do now. “Ah I understand. It’s because of a girl isn’t?” Natalie’s publicist speaks out. Tom looks at her and then down at the table, as he slowly nods his head. “Yes well Natalie’s told me all about her. Seems like a bright girl, but believe Tom she doesn’t love you as much as you thought she did.”

Tom’s eyes dart towards the publicist as his eyes continue to stare down in anger. He was angry, pissed off that they could ever make that assumption. “Fuck you! You don’t know anything!” His tone set in anger.

“Oh..but we do. See you think Y/N is remaining as faithful as you after a breakup, but why is she already out with another guy.” The publicist continues. She hands her phone to Tom as he swipes through the pictures of Y/N and Matt’s date. He saw Y/N smile at Matt, laugh with him, and touch his shoulder. Yet, the one picture that broke him the most was the one where Matt almost kissed Y/N. While Tom didn’t know the backstory, he could very well imagine how it went. Everything in him shattered, and his eyes started to well up.

“Mate..there’s gotta be an explanation for all of this. Y/N wouldn’t move on from you that quickly. You know her..she wouldn’t. This is all rubbish.” Harrison tried to reason to his heartbroken best friend. For once, he couldn’t rule out Natalie. She didn’t blackmail Y/N, someone else did.

“Fine. I’ll do it.” Tom grumbles as he gets up and walks away.

The world was quiet for the next two days, and it almost seemed like a break from all of it. Back in the New York, Y/N was minding her own business in the apartment with Kate, when she got a text message.

Unknown

Answer the next phone call. ❤️

Y/N’s phone rings and it’s Tom. Her hands are shaking, afraid of what was going to happen. “Y/N.” Tom says shortly, tone filled with disappointment.

“Tom” Y/N replies, her voice shaking.

This wasn’t sanctuary anymore. This was hell.

“Tell me it’s not true.” Tom speaks out, needing to hear the truth. “Did you go out with another guy?”

Y/N hesistated for a moment, unsure of what to say. She could either lie or tell the truth but it didnt matter at this point she was fucked either way. “Yes.” She breathes out. “But — ”

“It’s not what I think? Right?” His tone getting louder. “So it’s okay for you to judge me with Natalie, but not okay for me to judge you with some bloke you’re with?”

“Matt is my friend and I had no choice in that matter!” Y/N yells out, unhappy with how Tom was confronting her.

“Did he threaten you?”

Y/N hesitated for a moment, not him but someone was threatening her. “No.”

“Then you did have a choice.”

As soon as Y/N was going to speak, she got a new message. This time it was a picture from Unknown. One of Tom and Natalie getting cozy as they walked out of a building. Natalie was smiling and Tom had his arms wrapped around her shoulder. “Yeah, guess you made yours too with Natalie.”

Tom was in shock, did she know about the him and Natalie. “Y/N it’s not what you —”

“What? What I think? Yeah that makes two of us, but you want to make assumptions? Fine. You look like you already moved on yourself, but moving on with a girl you know I can’t stand...that’s an all time low for you.” Y/N hangs up and throws her phone across the room. Kate quickly comes to comfort her best friend.

“He...he moved on.” She sobbed quietly in Kate’s arms.

“I know...it’s going to be okay.” Kate whispers. Tears started to also fall on Kate’s eyes as she saw how much pain her best friend was in. She looked at her phone and quickly deleted the pictures she had taken of Y/N and Matt. “Im so sorry. I..have to tell you something.”

Y/N had fallen fast asleep, exhausted from crying. Just when Kate was ready to tell the truth...the door rang.

“Kate!” Harrison and Harry said spoke out in relief as they hugged her.

“Hey..what are you guys doing here?” She asked surprised but also relieved.

Harrison and Harry looked at each. “We want to help find out the truth.”

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams @averyfosterthoughts @fangirl-with-a-mission @drishtisikarwar @eridanuswave @ifntelyinspirit @trumpettay @astridcommings @parkershoco

#tom holland imagine #tom holland #tom holland x reader #peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader

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synthfolks · 6 years

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well babe u asked for it!!!! Do them All!!!

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?prolly jude2. Are you outgoing or shy?depends on context3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?gf when break starts4. Are you easy to get along with?on some level but i dont think im easy to be friends w5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?6. What kind of people are you attracted to?creative ppl w curly hair who make me laugh7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?idk8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?hh. my friend nick9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?not rly honestly, i just worry about making others uncomfortable10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?jude11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“I can’t decide whether to tell you to do odds or evens12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?get innocuous- lcd soundsystem, american guilt- unknown mortal orchestra, fear o the light- katie dey, kaputt- destroyer, nervous young inhumans- car seat headrest13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?yess14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?on some level15. What good thing happened this summer?spent a lot of time w friends and gf16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?ye17. Do you think there is life on other planets?somewhere yeah, not necessarily intelligent life tho18. Do you still talk to your first crush?first real crush occasionally yeah19. Do you like bubble baths?yeah20. Do you like your neighbors?i live in a dorm but yeah21. What are you bad habits?biting nails, talk too much, messy22. Where would you like to travel?south america23. Do you have trust issues?lol24. Favorite part of your daily routine?coffee25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?thighs26. What do you do when you wake up?lay in bed forever, then get some coffee27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?idc28. Who are you most comfortable around?jude rn29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?yeah30. Do you ever want to get married?it’s not like a goal but it’d be nice31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?ya32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?beck (not rly)33. Spell your name with your chin.not gonna do this w my roommate sitting here34. Do you play sports? What sports?climbing obvs35. Would you rather live without TV or music?tv36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?usually37. What do you say during awkward silences?idk fucking ramble or complain about something38. Describe your dream girl/guy?idk kind funny patient w me 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?thrift stores, in terms of brands i like prana40. What do you want to do after high school?im in college!41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?no42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?im bothered by smth, or im just chilling, or im out of it43. Do you smile at strangers?ya44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?ocean45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?who knows46. What are you paranoid about?lol!47. Have you ever been high?ya48. Have you ever been drunk?ya49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?i dont think so 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?no idea51. Ever wished you were someone else?always52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?i wanna be better at making and having friends53. Favourite makeup brand?nyx dude idk54. Favourite store?idk55. Favourite blog?climbsbian56. Favourite colour?blue57. Favourite food?idk but i rly fucking love thai food ive eaten it 4 days this week58. Last thing you ate?chocolate59. First thing you ate this morning?some weird bougie candy 60. Ever won a competition? For what?climbing comps!61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?both for self harm62. Been arrested? For what?nah63. Ever been in love?yeah64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?rly liked this girl in 8th grade, spilled that i liked her during truth or dare, we both went to another friend’s house for a sleepover and in the middl of the night she kissed me and we made out for lke 30 min while our other friend was 6 inches away from us. we thought she was asleep but she wasnt65. Are you hungry right now?sorta66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?sometimes67. Facebook or Twitter?neither but i use twitter even less than fb68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now?no70. Names of your bestfriends?hanae, i’d say jude71. Craving something? What?titty72. What colour are your towels?white72. How many pillows do you sleep with?1 but i have a ton more on my bed73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?no74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?idk maybe 20 somewhere back home75. Favourite animal?dogs?76. What colour is your underwear?blue77. Chocolate or Vanilla?chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour?any sorta chocolate79. What colour shirt are you wearing?gray80. What colour pants?navy pajama pants81. Favourite tv show?idk probs the good place atm82. Favourite movie?idk83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?mean girls84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?ive only seen mean girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?the goth lesbian86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?um87. First person you talked to today?barista88. Last person you talked to today?some person in the common room, texting jude tho89. Name a person you hate?zach90. Name a person you love?jude91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?honestly would love to punch my friend/boss. but then be cool after92. In a fight with someone?no93. How many sweatpants do you have??94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have??95. Last movie you watched?i literally can’t even remember96. Favourite actress?idk man97. Favourite actor?“98. Do you tan a lot?not rly99. Have any pets?dog bodhie!100. How are you feeling?kinda overwhelmed101. Do you type fast?yeah102. Do you regret anything from your past?so many things!103. Can you spell well?yeah104. Do you miss anyone from your past?yeah105. Ever been to a bonfire party?yeah106. Ever broken someone’s heart?yeah107. Have you ever been on a horse?yeah108. What should you be doing?school project109. Is something irritating you right now?my relationship w 2 of my friends110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?ya111. Do you have trust issues?ya112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?jude? almost cried in front of a psychiatrist today113. What was your childhood nickname?emenator or em114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?ya115. Do you play the Wii?used to116. Are you listening to music right now?yeah117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?yeah118. Do you like Chinese food?yeah119. Favourite book?hard question!120. Are you afraid of the dark?not rly121. Are you mean?sometimes122. Is cheating ever okay?sometimes123. Can you keep white shoes clean?no124. Do you believe in love at first sight?not rly125. Do you believe in true love?idk!126. Are you currently bored?kinda127. What makes you happy?climbing128. Would you change your name?mm idk129. What your zodiac sign?gemini130. Do you like subway?it’s fine131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? im lesbian and lets not get into this132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?prolly jude133. Favourite lyrics right now? h134. Can you count to one million?hypothetically bruh it takes literally days135. Dumbest lie you ever told?idk136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?closed137. How tall are you?5′6.5″138. Curly or Straight hair?wavy139. Brunette or Blonde?in between140. Summer or Winter?summer141. Night or Day?night142. Favourite month?june143. Are you a vegetarian?no144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?dark145. Tea or Coffee?coffee146. Was today a good day?it was fine147. Mars or Snickers?snickers148. What’s your favourite quote?idk it’s all the hard questions ig149. Do you believe in ghosts?sort of150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? an unfamiliar city and get home through the wilderness, in case

#clashbian #asks

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faangirl101 · 6 years

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Like i would/ Dylan o’brien x reader

Pairing: Dylan obrien x reader

Summery: Song imagine of the song Like i would by Zayn. You met Dylan, your ex boyfriend, after 5 years. All old feeling come back. But can everything go back to the way it used to be.

Warnings: Violence, swearing, rape attempt, dirty talk/thoughts. Like really dirty. And sorry for typos

Hey, what's up? It's been a while

Talking 'bout it's not my style Thought I'd see what's up While I'm lighting up It's cold-hearted, cold-hearted

Dylans pov

That's when i saw her. Her hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail before curling down her back, bouncing at her every step. Her skin was glowing natural and her plush lips covered in a small layer of red. A old jeans jacket was supported on her shoulders over a star wars t-shirt. A couple of out washed ripped jeans reached her ankles where she had a couple of dirty vans on. She was gorgeous. Just… absolutely gorgeous. My whole body was suddenly vibrating of adrenaline and i regret not taking my adderall today.

I felt a little dizzy. All our memories hit me like a truck and made my knees weak. I haven't seen her in 5 years. Y/n looked better than ever. Mature, yes, very mature. Her body was a woman's now. Her jeans hugging her curves just right and her t-shirt giving me a perfect view of her cleavage. Her breast seemed so much more swollen and just like her hair bounced every now and then. I had to look away when i felt the familiar twitch in my pants. I'm a grown man, for god's sake, i can't get a random boner in the middle of the supermarket because i see a old girlfriend.

Especially after how me and y/n ended things, i just can't. I can't even look at her without feeling guilty over everything i did. I shook my head for myself and coughed. I reached for the milk in front of me when my hand connected with someone else. “Oh, i'm sorry you can take it i can take….. another”, i started of but then i saw the other person. Of course it had to be her. Her eyes locked with mine and they were filled with nostalgia and something else…. sadness? I gulped nervously and smiled to her. She smiled back wider when i gave her the milk. “Dylan, umm hi”, she put the milk in her cart and meet my eyes again. I can't believe that i haven't thought about her in a whole year. “Hey y/n”, i tried to sound as positive as i could but my heart felt heavy. “You look good”, she said and gave me an honest smile that made my heart skip a beat. “Yeah… you to.. you look grown, i barely recognized you. You look amazing”, i sounded breathless and cursed for myself. Of course i had to fuck up and sound like a retard. But she smiled, showing of her white glistening teeth “Yeah, thank you. How is life treating you”.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and scratched the back of my neck “good i guess. I'm an kind of known actor now now so you could say life been treating me good”. I tried to sound chill about it but when i think about it it sounded cocky. “That's great Dyl, you always wanted to become an actor i'm so proud of you. I'm a nurse, soon a doctor so i would say life been good!”, she fiddled with her hands and licked her lips. I couldn't help but to let my eyes follow the movement of her tongue and the familiar twitch was back. I felt like a horny teenager all over again. “Hey y/n”, i felt like i had to say it “i feel really bad about how we ended things i just feel like you deserved more than me”.

The sadness in her eyes were back and she looked back to me “yeah, you deserved better than me to. I think about us sometimes, about what could have happened if everything would have gone less bad that night. If we would still be… at least friends”. I nodded since she pretty much said everything i was thinking. She looked behind her shoulder and i followed her eyes and saw who she was looking at. A tall man with dark hair and a black hoodie looked back at her and smiled. I felt my entire stomach pull itself together. Of course she had a boyfriend. I can't believe i thought else, she's gorgeous and nice and funny.

And it's not really my place to decide whatever she's single or not. And i have a girlfriend so i really shouldn't even think about it. But my body was still filled with jealousy. “I have to go”, she muttered and before any of us could react she pulled me into a hug. Her body was soft and warm against mine. I could smell the strawberry shampoo in her hair. I sighed and relaxed into the hug. And just like the hug started it ended as fast. “Bye Dylan, it was nice to meet you again.

And then she left. She left and the hole in my heart was back and all the guilt i felt 5 years ago was back and pumping in my veins. I really wish things didn't end the way they did.

Know it's late but I'm so wired Saw your face and got inspired Guess you let it go, now you're good to go It's cold-hearted, cold-hearted

Your pov

I saw Dylan yesterday. After all this years all the things i felt were still there. I saw his face in and my heart was split into two again. And it didn't really help over how gorgeous he looked. HIs hair was messy under his Mets cap but i could still see it. His chin was covered in a light stubble and eyes the same whiskey color i loved 5 year ago. He was taller then i remembered, and definitely not as ripped. I could practically see his muscles sticking out under his t-shirt. The moment i came home with Peter i dropped everything to google him.

He didnt lie when he said he was a well known actor. He had a big following and a great amount of movies. I binge watched them all yesterday and then just sat there with a hole in my heart. Even after we left everything 5 years ago i still loved him so much my entire body hurt. With shaking fingers i looked at his social media accounts. I saw on facebook he chosen in a relationship.

Of course he had a girlfriend. He was absolutely the most nice and pure person i knew. And not to mention fucking gorgeous. Then i looked at his twitter. Should i? maybe i shouldn't…. I mean we used to date but now we have no connection. I took a deep breath and decided. I'm going to message him. What's the worse thing that could happen? with a beating heart i wrote to him in the private message on twitter.

Hey dyl, it was good to see you. I'm once again sorry how it all ended. Just wanna make sure we good?

It may have sound better in my head, a lot better. I sighed and put my phone down to sleep. Peter moved next to me. Sure he was great and all, but he wasnt Dylan. i have never thought that way until now. But now its all… different. I groaned and cuddled down next to him. I was crazy. That's all, just fucking crazy.

He won't touch you like I do He won't love you like I would He don't know your body He don't do you right He won't love you like I would Love you like I would, like I would

Dylans pov

Me and y/n as been messaging. Sure i wasn't really doing anything wrong but it still felt like i was going behind Britts back. It was just innocent messaging between old friends, right? Yeah, she might have been my ex but we were friends a long time before we started dating. I miss that. I miss our friendship. We should have never started dating, we should just have stayed friends.

I never told Britt about dating Y/n, just that we used to be friends. I feel like i don't need her to feel pity for me or to make me feel even more guilty over what happened. I love Britt, i really do, but its just something about y/n that makes my entire body go numb.

I miss her, i really can't deny that.

“Who are you messaging?”, Britt asked and i looked up from my phone to her.

The guilty feeling was back, growing in the depths of my abandon.

“You remember how i told you about y/n? The old friend that kind of drifted apart from me? well i meet her in the store yesterday and we started talking again”, i didn't really lie i just left out some of the truth. She nodded and smiled “That's great baby, i know how much you miss her as your friend”.

I nodded and looked back at my phone “ahh shit. I have to get to the hotel now if i'm going to make it to the interviews. See you later baby”. I gave her a small peck and went to get my belongings. Britt was a great girlfriend, it was easier to date another actor since we both are pretty busy with work and respect each other for that. But we have never been the PDA couple really, it's mostly because we have so much history together.

I knew me and y/n was never getting back together and i would like her to know that to be sure. But you can still dream, right?

And when i saw all the pictures with her boyfriend, what was his name.. Peter?, i just couldn't help feeling jealous. It just made my blood boil when i thought about him touching her body, making her feel good. About him holding her close and loving her like i used to. I tighten my knuckles and wrist, and press my fingernails inside the inside of my hand till it leaves wounds.

I was the one supposed to love her and hold her. I was supposed to make her cum and cum and cum over and over again. I just knew he didn't love her the way i could. And i simply didn't say that because i meant to be cocky. I genuinely think i'm better at loving her in every way. But i'm not going to convince her to leave him, you're not that guy Dyl. Your not that douche guy. But when i saw her in those jeans i just wanted to eat her out and fuck her into obvioulsen in front of that.. peter guy. I hated him with passion even if i haven't even met him.

And ever since yesterday when i saw her in that star wars shirt with her perfect swollen round breast i just wanted… i just wanted to drive my cock in between them and cum on her face. Just mark her as mine. And as possessive as that sounded i had to remind myself over and over that she was not mine and that she was not an object. But still i couldn't stop thinking about her painted white in my cum, swallowing it like the good girl she is. I felt my dick straining against my jeans. I put my hands over my crotch and cursed for myself. I was in a god damn cab with my cab driver. I couldn't get a erection here? I had to think about something of turning like… my grandma and kittens.

But no matter what i thought about my mind kept going back to her in my lap, riding me with only my name on her lips. Not some guys named Peter. What kind of name was that anyway? who was even named peter nowadays? what, was his parents a fan of spiderman or what?

I was a fan of spiderman and i wouldnt name my son Peter.

I was grumpy today. Like a old man, just because i couldn't have her. It was stupid really but i just knew she was mine. She was meant to be mine. I needed to have her i just couldn't get her. I bit my lip hard and looked outside the window. I needed to get my head in the right places. i had a interview coming up and i couldn't be sitting there with a boner for my ex girlfriend.

Oh, oh It's probably gonna sound wrong Promise it won't last long Oh, oh If we can never go back Thought you'd like to know that

Your pov

“You been messaging an old boyfriend?!”, Peter shouted at me as i kept backing up against a wall. “Look its not what you think, Pete. He's honestly just a friend i would never cheat behind your back”, i muttered and held my hands up in surrender. Somehow i got myself in the situation where Peter found out about Dylan and i having contact. And well what can i say, he didn't exactly like it.

“Your just friends, huh”, Peter rolled his eyes pursed his lips together “i saw you yesterday in the store, pressing each other bodies together right in front of me. I saw the look he gave you, he practically eye-fucked you. And then your press your breast against him and message him the day after. Your not just friends, he might as well fuck you in front of me. And then soon your are of to smear your bloody lipstick all over his cock, talking all about being bffs and shit”.

He was really mad. His voice loud and ecoching high enough for the neighbours to hear. I felt my heart beating hard in my chest. I don't know if it was from being angry or scared. But i was not going down that easy without a fight. “What the actual fuck are you talking about Peter. We Are simply just old friends, what? I'm not allowed to have fucking friends?”, i shouted and he took a threatening step closer to me.He laughed mockingly “Seriously, of course you're allowed to have friends but not friends with benefits. I'm not stupid i know what shit you've probably been messaging about”. I rolled my eyes dramatically “Clearly you're fucking stupid since me and Dylan aren't fucking, and were not going to in the near future. So if you could stop being a immature little ass that would be great”. I was done with this fight. Now he was just being ridiculous.

His knuckled was turning white and his jaw was tense. He cracked his neck and meet my eyes with a cold look. “Look Peter. Since your not going to apologize i'm going to stay at Jennas. If you are over this crap tomorrow you can call me and say your sorry, But i'm leaving now”, I grabbed my bag and threw it over my shoulder. Just when i opened the front door and was about to leave he grabbed me. His grip was hard and he pulled me backwards furiously and made me lose my footing. I stumbled back to balance and looked at him with big eyes. “Don't fucking touch me ever again”,

I felt my heart skipping beat after beat and. His other hand slammed the door closed and i jumped at the sudden loud sound. With a strength, much more intense than mine, he pressed me up against the door. my back hit the material hard leaving me out of breath. It was hard enough to bruise and the small layer of clothes i had on wouldnt protect me.

I've never been so scared of Peter as i was now. I knew he had a lot of temper but i never thought it would be this intense. “I know your off to meet him, to let him bang you and then come crawling back to me like the little whore you are. But guess what? You're staying here. And i'm going to fuck you so hard you forget all about that stupid ex boyfriend”, He shouted and i could feel his spit hitting my face. He harshly grabbed my wrist with one hand and pinned them hard over my head. With his other hand he started to unbutton my pants. I started moving in his grip, trying to kick him of me. I felt tears threatening behind my eyes. I was definitely breaking up with him.

“Get off me!”, I screamed and tried to escaped his grip. He only pressed harder and pulled down my pants. “Could you stop moving, you little bitch”, he huffed and ripped of my shirt. His eyes were hungry and there was something with him, i barely recognized him. I collected a big lump och saliva in my mouth before taking time to spit it in his face. It met his left eyebrow and slided down the side of his face. “You fucking cunt!”, he screamed and before i could grab onto reality and get what's happening his fist connected with my face. The shock were bigger than the pain. The blood under my left cheek pulsated and i could feel the bone cracking in my nose. The pain was so intense i wouldn't be able to point were it was since it was covering my entire face. I felt drool dripping down my chin but my jaw hurt so much i couldn't close my mouth. Warm thick liquid made its path from my nose and into my mouth. It tasted iron. It was blood.

Peter hit me. I couldn't believe it. He actually hit me. And it hurt as much as the betrayal. “Thats right, now your going to suck my cock you little fucking whore”, His hand was placed on my head and began pushing me downwards. I tried to escaped but he gripped my ponytail only to press me down harder. My left hand began wandering down my bag. While the other one got ready to fight him of. All i needed was to distract him. I know i have it somewhere in this bag, i must have.

Bingo. I form my hand into a fist and let my knuckles connect with his crotch. The second he bend over, covering his crotch with his hand i get up on shaky legs and grab onto the hairspray. “fuck you, peter”, I shouted with a dry sluddery voice and sprayed a great amount of hairspray onto his face. He screamed out in pain and his hand went from his crotch to his face. He depsertly rubbed his eyes. In pure hatred I kicked his kneecap, making him fall over. I had to get out of here. Now. I slung the bag over my shoulder and didnt even care about getting a new shirt. I just buttoned up my pants and slammed the door behind me. I needed help. And in the moment there was only one person i needed.

He can't love you like I would He can't love you like I could He don't know your body He don't know your body

Dylans pov

I looked up when i heard the doorbell. Confused i got up and put away my computer. Almost no one knew about were i was staying, thomas maybe. It was probably just Thomas, coming to annoy me. I still smirked and got over to the door. “Like seriously Thomas can't you make 10 minutes without me…..”, i stopped mid sentence when i realized it wasn't Thomas. It was y/n.

And she was bruised, her face swollen and the area around her eye red and turning blue. Blood was spread around her nose to her top lip. Her lips were chapped. She was crying, sobs breaking her posture as she collapsed into my arms. I grabbed onto her and fought every urge to fall over. “Jesus, y/n, what the hell happened”, i muttered and dragged her as good as i could inside my hotel room. It seemed like she was too broken to form words as she just shuddered nonsense and cried more.

“Shit”, i mumbled and placed her fragile body on my bed, where she collapsed. I closed the door and went back to the bed. “Y/n, sweetie do you hear me”, i ask as softly as i could and went to get a first aid kit and some ice. She nodded as good as she could and reached up to touch her cheek. She hissed in pain when her fingers connected with her nose.

“No, no, no stop. Let me take care of you. Let me know what happened”, i said softly and pick up a wet towel. Seeing her like this makes my whole body catch on fire. Someone did this to her. I was going to kill that someone. Trust me it's not going to me pretty when i find out who it is. Slowly i dab the wet towel over her cheek and bit my lip when she groan in pain. I hushed her and wiped away her tears and stroked her cheek. “Who did this to you”, i whisper barely hearable and start to dab away the blood next to her nose. She mouthed something and everything that leaves her mouth is unrecognizable sounds. “I can't hear you, y/n”, i say and put down the towel, all eyes on her. “Peter”, she whisper. In that moment i barely regonize myself.

I feel so much anger i'm shaking. My vision becomes blurry and i swear i see red. He hurt her. He put his hands on her. He put his hands on my girl. “I'm going to kill him”, i say, mostly for myself. She grabs onto my arm for dear life. “Please dont leave me”, she sobs and my heart stings at the sight. “Of course not, baby”, the nickname falls out of my mouth without really thinking about it.

I stroke her hair and kiss her forhead. “Tomorrow we go to the police okay, i'm staying with you. You dont have to go through this alone”, i take out the ice and place it in her hand. With her entire body shaking she place the ice on her face, sighning at the cold feel. “Its going to be alright, baby, everything is fine”, i mumbled. Suddenly she crawls into my lap an hug med tightly, ice still on her face. In pure shook i dont do anything. With Britt out of my head i wrap my arm around her carefully and stroke her back. She was not going through this alone. I'm going to make sure of that.

Because i loved her.

Not since i met her yesterday but since we left each other 5 years ago.

But that was all behind us now, because i loved her.

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abra-ka-dammit · 6 years

Text

a lot of my dreams involve driving, now much more heavily than they did before i knew how to, but usually now its not scary, just Part Of The Story. i need to Get Somewhere.

a lot of em have also involved flying in some way lately which i find interesting because im fucking terrified of heights and the idea of falling but last night i was gliding and trying to figure out how to get higher up, and ive flown with wings, with magic, on mounts, and somehow im never actually afraid

theres also a lot of school that i may or may not actually be attending which never fails to fuck me up because the school i dream of is like some weirdass mall with no rhyme or reason to it, then theres always creepy fucked up/surreal/dilapidated buildings that seem like they should be haunted or part of some supernatural horror movie but just make you Think instead (usually itll be where i live in the dream), then theres often sleeping, me having Girlfriends, going to food places, the store, and ofc theres almost always some weirdass animals and/or my cats involved

(oddly enough, any time theres food involved, i never eat. i look at the food if its out but ill never take or order anything...?)

theres also often people i dont know or vaguely know (like old family friend-families) just kinda chilling and/or living with me, and if one of my parents show up theyre usually antagonistic

and of COURSE, most of my dreams end up having Video Game aspects to them. ive made multiple trips to the same dungeon/cave that respawns with “enemies”?, ive flown over maps full of mobs with chunks of sort of different Zones and went to my Quest Destination to find Specific Person for Specific Reason (i dunno about battles tho? i think ive stealthed around a lot of potential fights, guess my subconscious is as bad at writing combat as me awake), ive even done a multi-part escort quest/scenario deal in some egypty desert place where we were in airships and shooting down at huge waves of mobs and then we hit this huge door and had to go by foot through a temple that was cavernous and mazelike and at the end we emerged to a completely different ecosystem and it was wild. lately ive also been to a beach under siege where people are fighting some sorta demons and theres wreckage and airships and the lighting is sometimes pretty red and dark, but the hills and cliffs by the beach include a cave that leads to a spidery tunnel that usually ends up leading to an underground building of some sort

theres been like, theme park rides in a couple (like uh, roller coasters n shit) which are always the same of a small chunk (like theres some water log slide i get a lot) but i almost never actually ride them, just end up walking around on the parts u go up to get to the top

(i have been on a couple water slides in my dreams which are always crazy, long, and sometimes scary, but tbh i love water slides irl, even if i almost drowned at the end of one as a kid because my mom weighed a lot more than me and the double tube flipped and i ended up under water and my dumb ass still doesnt know how to swim to this day.... mom got me tho all good)

sometimes my actual irl friends show up which is always interesting since i know them primarily through the text they send me online, so i feel like even tho i know what they all actually look like they show up in my dreams as a very vague entity that my brain just kinda fills in the context for (”that fuzzy humanish shaped form is karen” “sure, okay, seems legit”) and they never seem to behave “in character”

(probably due to my own insecurities)

then theres always those strange dreams where im in mutual dokis with someone i have 0 feelings for irl where i wake up afterwards and lay there like..... shit.... DO I like that person???? do I NOW?

(no. it’s just a dream, dumbass. i knew damn well who i liked in high school and it wasnt her.)

then theres stuff that shows up a lot in dreams that are usually actually kinda nice, like the long roads surrounded by nothing but empty dirt that lead into craggy mountains that end in this beautiful cliff cave-like thing with open walls so youre shaded but can see by sunlight, with a lake that waterfalled into another clear lake outside, and in the cave is a perfect little sitting balcony where ive often gone by myself but also have brought others to (including dazzle?)

and shit that shows up in a lot of the Bad Dreams, like the one-lane highways that for whatever reason turn into super high, twisty ramps with no fucking sides at all

oh and not to mention any time i feel really insecure in a dream im usually dating or trying to get back with my ex i was with for 6 years because all the time ive spent single since makes me wonder if i made the right choice because maybe hes the only person who’ll ever actually love me lmfao so hes always rly nice and supportive of whatever im feeling weird about (my teeth, my body, my unshaved legs, etc), except then sometimes my dreams remind me of the whole pressure/guilt-coerced sex and various other shitty parts of what we had so YEAHHHH

anyways theres a lot more i cant think of rn too but there u go, a buncha dream rambles from me

#stupid shit #me just talking abt a lot of stuff from my dreams

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late-nights-and-daydreams · 7 years

Quote

“I always thought love was given and taken based on how good you were I guess I was taught at a young age that you have to earn love, earn care, earn the people around you giving a fuck Blame my dad, because he didn’t leave or just walk out the door When he was asked to move back he said no. When he put my mothers back against the wall, told her he had plane tickets He was the first person who taught me I would always come second to drugs When my brother and I were older he got arrested again I hadn’t talked to him in 6 years Every phone call every letter was up in flames I didn’t ever tell him when I was 10 that I wanted him to save me That I wanted to have memories of my parents in the same fucking room I learned after he left me for the second time That no one will want you if you aren’t useful It’s a lesson I never forgot My mother buried herself in pills and booze Taught me that sometimes escape means more then you do But how could I blame her? she’s gone now How could I blame her when she’s the only person who knew me Really knew me The only person I wanted to spend my time with I carry around so much guilt for everything I put her through I wish I wasn’t so sick anymore Because maybe then we would of had fun instead of me being sick We could of done something else with the money for all my pills and doctors visits I don’t blame her for taking me on drug runs Or for her nodding out Or for the times she got so drunk in front of my friends we couldn’t understand her I try not to blame her Blame my grandmother for all the scars she left on me For how before we buried my mother she told me it was my fault because I moved in with my mom and had to take medication For how I learned it was always my fault She taught me love was earned and the bruises and curse words were deserved She taught me that support was throwing money at a problem or an interest and then ridiculing it She mentions my medication whenever I’m with her, calls my doctor a killer I already have my mind telling me I don't need my medication even though I do Hearing it from someone out loud shakes me to the very core I don't know how to tell her it's helping because j don't even believe it But I know I haven't been suicidal for weeks and my mood stabilizer let's me get sleep I was 17 the last time she hit me Wait no. I was 19 and my friend was in the backseat when she hit me to demonstrate what happened when I was 16 was innocent Said I deserved it. When I told her I held the revolver she kept on the bed next to my head, she bitched about not being able to keep guns in the house I guess I learned there are more important things that treating a kid right When I was 8 she kicked out me, said I wanted it, and truth was I did. I spent 10 years trying to get back to my mom. Only to lose her a year and a half later I don’t think I’ll ever stop being bitter about all the time she stole from her Every visit she made me miss All the time she took me away I don’t even fucking care about her justifications anymore All I care about is that she took me from my mother Nothing else matters Or blame my paternal Grandmother Because when I said my dad was never around she threw my mother under the bus Made up lies Now I’m never sure what the past really was Blame her for the fact when she lost the custody case everyone left Maybe if my dads family or my dad had cared I wouldn’t of started taking pills and drinking and burying myself in escapes. Maybe I would know what unconditional love is Maybe I wouldn’t have been locked away in my room Maybe I wouldn’t of tried to overdose on the perfect night three months after we buried my cousin Maybe we could of seen the bipolar sooner Or blame my ex Because I watched him devolve and get a drug habit Only reaffirming that drugs were forever more important then I was I didn’t report the first time he hit me I was 16 and I never understood that someone you love shouldn’t abuse you Let him use me however he wanted Said he loved me 3 weeks before he moved in with someone else My teenage dream useless I still can’t say the name we would of had for our child Or when I was 18 and my other ex Started taking drugs behind my back When he told me the truth I never got rid of the knot in my stomach It was a week from my 19th. I'm not sure I ever recovered I do know even thinking back makes me shudder I didn’t report him either I should of Or the one person I always thought I could run to Who has our history engraved just like I do Leaving I’m not saying she made the wrong choice Just I always thought I could go back to wonderland even if it was burning down to the ground around me She still says my ex best friend who went on to be abusive is just like me. And I don't think she's wrong I still can’t say her name without my hands shaking my voice aching Or blame my best friend Because for my 19th he gave me a bottle of alcohol and PTSD from his hand around my throat From my body shaking after I don’t remember that night well But I know he and I see it differently He tells all our friends I freaked out I tell our friends he assaulted me I don’t think either version is wrong Istill make excuses for how I told him it was okay the night after How I convinced him he wasnt a monster Or blame all my friends That got so busy I haven't heard from them in weeks Who got wrapped up in lives that never touched mine They taught me if there was a better option they'd take it in a heart beat Learned really fast I was replaceable Who I stopped existing to Who will probably never read this poem I don't show up in their newsfeed anymore I don't think their wrong Because if I had a choice I wouldn't live my life either Or blame my last boyfriend Because I am still in love with him. I will always be in love with him. He was my moms friend then became my best friend I stopped seeing everyone he didn’t like Stopped going out for fear of his anger when I got back I’m not saying he was abusive or bad But that I wanted his approval more then I wanted oxygen And that’s not healthy Or the fact he developed a drug habit to keep up with how much weed I smoked Or two days after I told him I was getting sober he asked if we could get high together I didn’t ever want to tell him know Hearing his voice crack still kills me Ihate myself for leaving Blame my body For being so broken Needing so many medications to fix it To try and repair all the damage Nights spent in ER and hospital rooms A childhood white washed by sickness by brokenness Surgeries needed so I could not be crippled for the rest of my life The doctors say I need the surgery to walk I say I've spent most of my life sitting and dying I'm sick of being so fucking sick Or blame the fact I made two people I did love try and kill themselves. I am a monster disguised in human skin, if nothing else that proves it Maybe I was never worthy of love to begin with I didn't mean to turn this into a sob story Didn’t mean to write out my life’s tragedy in black and white I was trying to write a poem about my mom being gone and this is what came out Or maybe I was trying to write a poem about why I love hook up culture even though I'm a romantic Trying to use poetry to reason my want to never be emotionally attached again To want to get what I want physically and then bow out Because I'm sick of being destroyed by people I love And I'm tired of having to destroy people love me This is the scars I’ve got” why I think love is conditional, a story of errors

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jimdsmith34 · 7 years

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The 6 Red Flags About My Relationship That Showed Me I Needed To End It

Theres no hurt quite like heartbreak, but sometimes, its necessary. Money, sex (or lack thereof), and different ambitions can sometimes put the lid on a relationship.

While theres something to be said for working things out, sometimes, breaking up is the only thing to do.

At the time, it might behard to articulate why itdidnt work out, but theres a reason for the term 20/20 hindsight. Time has a great way of putting it all in perspective.

When you look back on the slips and stumbles that led to your breakup, youll probably see that the signs something wasnt working out were all there.

And if youre anything like me, youll probably feel residual guilt.

Dont beat yourself up. There were reasons why it wasnt working out. Have confidencethat the break was necessary. It really wasnt supposed to be so much work.

Here are the things that showed me it was time to end my relationship:

1. I Was Always Stressed

Like the old saying about a frog in a pot of boiling water,the anxiety crept up so slowly on me that I got used to it over time.

It wasnt until the relationship was over and my heartbreak had healed that the knot in my stomach loosened and the tension in my shoulders uncoiled.

Most likely, the stress came from a combination of issuesthat werent completely about the relationship. In fact, it was probably pretty likely that a lot of stress from my life of my relationship contributed to stress it.

Money was the main one. I wasnt making enough, and he was makingless. Two of my past boyfriendshave been crushed by student debt,whichlimited their imagination for a future.

It was also difficultto scrounge up the savings to do something fun together. Because of that lack of imagination, they werealso probably more likely to spend extra dough on beer.

Money wasnt the only thing hurting those relationships, and I definitely dont believe I should have ended itbecause we didnt have money or my partnerwas in debt.

When it comes to health, though, Im a firmbeliever ineverybody doing whatis best for themselves.

2. We Were No Longer Emotionally Or Physically Intimate

I am anfan of feelings, as thecrybaby tattoo on my thigh would tell you. If I had to describe what kind of man I go for, I would probably use the word weeping in my description.

It surprised even me then, when I broke up with my first boyfriend because a TV show made him sob.

Again, as with all breakups, this wasnt theonlyreason I needed to end things. The truth was, we had been growing apart for quite some time. The distance between us was not only emotional, but physical as well.

Sex definitely shouldnt be the only thing keeping a relationship together. However, physical intimacy is like the lubricant that I think most relationships need. Sex makes arguments seem less significant, and it can wipe away a bad day at work with some tangible, physical feels.

After more than two years together, though, early infatuation had worn off, and wehad stopped having sex. And pretty soon, that meant that we grew farther apart in other ways, and the distance was impossible to close.

So when I looked over at my boyfriends tear-streaked face during the final episode of and yelled at him about how the show was justevil war propaganda, and therefore, he shouldnt be sad? I didntthink that it wasnt OK for him to cry.

I was just angry because I used to understand him, and I no longer did.

3. I Lost Touch With My Friends

That first relationship, the one I was just referring to, isolated me in more than one way. It was the first time I had been seriously involved with a person, and as we got together just after I graduated college, it was a period of enormous transition.

During our first few months together, myfriends were also goingoff to other cities to pursue their dreams. I missed them, of course, but I didnt have the strong urge to meet new people the way I would if I was single. I thought that my boyfriend could meet all of those needs.

I was wrong, though, as I would come to learn.Partners cannot be everything to one another, and its important tohave robustfriendships outside of them. Otherwise, youre placing a lot of burden on the relationship. Under all of that pressure, it was no wonder that things started to crumble.

I could have made new friends, of course, but my boyfriend was reluctant for me to spend time with other people.He was clingier than I was,and I didnt want to hurt him. So I allowed it, even though I knew it was making me unhappy.

If I had listened to myself then, I wouldnt have madeof us so miserable at the end.

4. He Wouldnt Give Me Space

Now that Ive been through a few rough breakups, I think I know that, in a securerelationship, a couple can give one another what each personneeds tofeelwhole in themselves, without relying on the other person.

Of course, I haventbeen in a relationship thats like that yet, but thats what I hear.

When my first relationship was on the rocks, I tried to take a few steps back to breathe and figure out what I really wanted.

My boyfriend said he was OK with a break, but still found a way to be near me: getting off his commuter bus right outside of the library where I would be studying, drinking at the bar where I was going with my friend, and even going so far as to guiltme into bringing him home to my parents for Thanksgiving.

If things were going swimmingly, I wouldnt have needed so much spacein the first place. And Im not sure that things would have lasted even if he granted it.

But the fact that he couldnt even grant a bit of freedom to me? Well, that told me everything.

5. He Projected His Failures On Me

Even as I write these words yearslater,I feelguilty. I feelthe immediate need to backpedal and saythat I dont reallymy ex-boyfriend was a failure that he was successful in all other ways than me.

I want to say, Guys, I swear, I dont mean it! He was good at his job! He probably has gotten a raise and makes more than me now! Heck, he even has a 401(k), and I have zero money in savings, so hell be able to retire one day!

See how I do that? See how I make myself smaller?

That instinct runsdeep with me. The bolder truth is that I amgood at things, but more than one boyfriend have found little ways to disempower me and takeme down.

One boyfriend would always tell me that it washard to make money as a writer. That I could write a book, but it was unlikely that it would get picked up by a major publisher, and even then, I wouldnt make enough to live on.

Healsoworked in publishingso hewould know.

Another boyfriend once cried to me thatwanted to be a writer, and didnt understand why I could do it and he couldnt.

Now, Im lucky enough to know that I just dont have time for that. The moment somebody tried to make more room for their ego by minimizing mine, Ineeded to end my relationship.

Your friends will tell youthat you were built to fly. Your partner should, too.

6. I Wanted MoreWhile He Wanted Less

I can look back at every single one of my breakups whether or not I was the person who initiated it and see that, ultimately, it came down to one of us wanting more than the other could give.

I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was 24 years old because I wanted more of. I wanted to grow as a person. I wanted to make new friends.

Yes, I also wanted to experience more lovers, even if it came with more heartbreak.

As for him, hehad been settled for a while. Its been over three years, and he still works in the same office and lives in the same house. I moved and changed jobs at least seven times before getting out of that city altogether.

Thats not to say that either path is good or bad. Its just what happened. If we had gotten married, it wouldnt have been right.

As a matter of fact, Im pretty sure hes getting married to the next girl he met very soon. And Im perfectly fine with it not being me.

My next boyfriend wanted less of an emotional commitment. Hedidnt want to take trips together and hated saying I love you. We were not moving toward anything and, with the exception of number four, all of the above symptoms had set in.

Both of those boyfriendswere completely different, to the extent that I even feel like I was somebody else when I was withthem.

Thinking about it now, that might be the biggest sign that I needed to end my relationship, but I couldnt have known that at the time.

Because first, I had to find myself.

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/28/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship-that-showed-me-i-needed-to-end-it/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/06/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship.html

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adambstingus · 7 years