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botheredbuck · 3 years

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hi hello my name is leo and here’s the post that literally no one asked for about how three by sleeping at last is written for one evan buckley (with lyric references!)

maybe i’ve done enough and your golden child grew up

listen this is literally about the buckley parents. he spent so long trying to be the perfect son for his parents, trying to solve whatever he’d done to them, trying desperately to just be enough for them and breaking himself in the process. he literally tore himself apart trying to be just something to them. he talks to maddie when he visits her in the hospital (in buck begins) about them thinking he’s a loser and literally begs her to believe him when he says he’s going to be something one day. that’s the effect his parents had on him. and when his parents come back in what’s your grievance/buck begins and he finally gets to tell them how they made him feel his whole life, and that convo with them at the end of buck begins, i think that’s the beginning of him kind of being able to say i’ve grown up now, and yeah what you did will always hurt me but i can move past it now, because i have my own family, i’ve found somewhere where i actually belong. and with the 118, he doesn’t have to be that golden child

(sure, there’s the protective, kinda mentoring instinct between him and bobby that we see a lot through the early parts of season one especially, but even with that there’s never this expectation that buck’s gotta be perfect - gotta be the golden child. bobby’s trying to help him be a better firefighter and grow as a person but there’s never that pressure that there was with his parents.

oh and hey maybe that’s why the lawsuit happens because the whole thing about bobby holding him back feels too much like his parents underestimating him, never believing in him (they think i’m a total loser maddie, and i’m not, i’m not okay- i’m gonna be something, i just- don’t know what yet) and it’s hard beause bobby has never made him feel like that but it’s just a little too close)

maybe this trophy isn’t real love

this lyric. i do not give it enough appreciation but holy fuck. okay but, its like- it fits well with this whole idea that buck grew up with that he always had to deserve love, yanno? like his parents’ neglect basically taught him that he had to be putting himself in danger and hurting himself to be worth even attention. and it’s like- with the 118, he’s finally getting to realise that maybe that’s not how love is supposed to work. he’s been brought up with the idea that he needs to work for this love because otherwise if he’s not good enough people will leave. and this doesn’t even finish with his parents. this goes all the way through to abby, to ali. he has this deep rooted fear that if he’s not good enough then people will leave him, because that’s all he’s really had. and then this lyric- it’s like, him realising that this version of love that his parents fed him isn’t real love, isn’t how parents should love their kids, or how families should care for each other. and it’s just buck’s realisation that this tokenistic love isn’t something that he has to settle for, because it’s not real love.

and with or without it i’m good enough maybe i’ve done enough

this kinda carries on from the first point but it’s like, buck finally getting to realise that he doesn’t need his parents love to be worth shit. like his whole childhood he was just trying to be what his parents wanted in the desperate hope that they would see him. and now he’s found this place he really belongs and in the 118 he’s found these people he really belongs with, and it’s like- suddenly he doesn’t need to try- doesn’t need to work to be loved. and it’s like, he’s realising that he doesn’t need to change himself to be worth shit.

a mess of a story i’m ashamed to tell but i’m slowly learning how to break this spell

this- it’s just- the whole thing about buck getting therapy in s4. for so long he’s not really talked to anyone about the shit he’s been through, like even we see in what’s your grievance that the 118 basically know nothing about the buckleys. because buck doesn’t even talk about his past to them really, because he’s so ashamed of it. but him finally being able to go to therapy and work on it, it’s like- he’s slowly learning how to undo all this shit that his parents drilled into him, like about him never being good enough and about him having to work for their love and attention and change himself. and he’s finally learning, with therapy and with the 118 reteaching him all this shit about love (and not even romantic, like buddie is a whole other thing don’t even get me started, like familial love), how to get past his parents and realise that he is worthy of love, regardless of anything else.

and i finally see myself through the eyes of no one else

oh shit but this is important and all right. like. it’s just a little thing but it’s like, buck trying to move on from letting what other people thought of him control him. i think this is something that he’s working on, and something that comes with time, because i think it’s something we see a lot throughout the show. i think it kinda contributes to the whole buck 1.0 thing, like sure a lot of why he wants to move on from ‘buck 1.0′ is about moving on and being a better man and stuff but i think it’s also this thought of being embarrassed of himself, almost? idk but look he has a lot of issues with seeing himself as good enough without the influence of others and i think this lyric links a lot to that.

now i only want what’s real to let my heart feel what it feels

again this fits with the whole therapy thing as well but it’s like- throughout the show he’s always been a very heart-on-his-sleeve kinda guy. like that’s just who he is. but like this- to let my heart feel what it feels - its like about him being allowed to be proud of how far he’s come and everything he’s been through with his parents and even after that. and its about him allowing himself to love unashamedly and without fear of people abandoning him, and not like letting that fear stop him from loving. and like yeah im gonna touch on buddie here bc like, it’s like after all this shit, everything that the two of them have been through, it’s like, that line is like him letting himself feel that for eddie, whatever it is. because for so long he’s not let himself get that connection after abby because she hurt him like that and he’s not let himself have this connection with eddie out of fear that it’s not going to be reciprocated or tat he’s a terrible person for falling in love with his best friend or some shit but it’s like- that line is like him allowing himself to feel that, and like that just being okay? like he’s finally getting to accept that he’s fallen in love with this increibleman and his incredible son and the life that he’s built with them, and like it’s about buck falling in love with that life and trusting that it’s not going to disappear from under his feet. and that takes buck a lot of courage because he’s only ever had people that left. and so he’s finally letting his heart feel , and letting his heart guide him, because he deserves it.

and like even out of a buddie context, with the rest of the 118, it still applies. this shit about letting his heart feel what it feels, it’s like- letting himself believe that this life is something that he can have, that he can settle into, that he can keep. it’s like- he can love these people, and not have to see them leave. and that’s a revolutionary thing for buck, but it’s so freeing.

and leave my greatest failures on display with an asterisk worthy of love anyway

holy fuck this is like, my favourite lyric ever okay but again it’s this idea that he has to work to be loved. he has to fight for attention and for appreciation and for love and like this lyric, it’s about him being able to move on from that and realise that he’s worthy of love at his rawest, without all this work and putting himself at risk. and sure im going back on my buddie bullshit for this but like- it’s eddie that makes him realise this. sure it’s the influence of the whole 118 and maddie and shit but it’s eddie most of all. eddie, who has dealt with his bullshit first hand (the whole jealousy thing in 2x01) and come through it by his side, still wanting to be his friend. eddie, who appreciates him and helps him and supports him and trusts him with his son. eddie, who forgives him, even when, yeah, sometimes he doesn’t need forgiving but then it’s eddie that tells him that (the post-tsunami stuff at the end of 3x03) and reassures him that he’s worthy. eddie, who fights by him and for him and desperately, constantly, tries to make him realise he’s so much more than what his parents deem him to be. eddie, who tells him that he doesn’t have to apologise just for existing and expecting the bare minimum of love from his parents (the boxing scene in - i think? - 4x04). eddie, who fights to get back to him. eddie, who trusts him so much with christopher that he’ll change his will for him. eddie, that loves him. right at his rawest, without all that work, with all his greatest failiures on display. because it’s eddie who’s seen most of that shit, and it’s eddie who’s stayed. who’s made him realise he’s worthy of love, anyway.

...um

thank you for coming to my ted talk listen to three by sleeping at last and tell me that there is at least some sense in this pls im driving myself up the wall istg

#evan buckley #buddie #eddie diaz #911 #911 fox #911 on fox #leo writes hcs #...maybe it's me that needs therapy.#this is almost two thousand words holy fuck #i can write this but not fic? wow thanks brain

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laora-inn · 4 years

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Supernatural - 15x19. Why it’s a good ep considering Destiel

As all of my SPN metas, it’s Destiel positive and happy end positive, don’t like - don’t read.

I wasn’t disappointed of this ep’s outgoing, in fact, I’ve been waiting for something like that. Here in September I wrote my specs for the last 7 eps, and for 15x19 there was one: “they will not talk about Cas’s saving. And he will be dead in this episode for sure”. I was especially sure about this spec after 15x18. ‘Cause THE INTRIGUE guys.

There is no intrigue at all - only Cas’s returning/saving in 15x20 could SAVE THE SHOW. Other way - it’s never too late to rebel :) Though I don’t think it will be necessary, not in this case. So I liked the 15x19 outcome and my hopes for the DeanCas happy end are strong as ever. 15x19 made them stronger.

I liked a lot of things in the ep - so, so many of them. Jack and Dean’s grieving. Blood mark on Dean’s jacket. Sam and Dean’s readiness to surrender. Dean’s demand for Chuck, to return Cas - though ONLY CAS AND DEAN THEMSELVES COULD DO IT. Luci’s comeback as a fact - I speculated about it a bit here, though I thought more of Nick calling to Luci. But Nick was also Chuck’s puppet, why not? Luci’s playing Cas - “let me in”. We saw Dean’s weakness, so clear that it hurts and could be even uncomfortable to watch. We ALL understood that was a coy the moment Luci called I suppose - but not Dean. And THIS FACT alone is nice - not the details though. Michael’s tragedy, though hidden and not well-played - but it was there. Chuck’s inability to love. The whole metaness of his character - “I’m cancelling your show” again. His death wish. Sam and Dean’s revenge neglect. “That’s not who I am. That’s not who we are”. Chuck as a human, without his strength. It’s strange, but I think he could be happy now! If he’ll change something in himself, of course. Chuck’s empty Book of Death. His book is empty now, there will be no new Death... and he can start from the beginning. He can write his own story now and be redeemed - despite all the things he had done. It’s a new page for him as well. Chuck finally could be free himself. The way Jack became the new Almighty AFTER exploding in the Empty. THE EMPTY IS THE ONE THAT GAVE HIM THE STRENGTH, it’s not the enemy. I wrote about it here. Amara’s mentioning - and it was Sam who asked about her, she was important for both Sam and Dean all the way. Beautiful acting - they certainly did their best with the script given.

The way how the children should be free of their parents - Michael and Luci from Chuck, Sam and Dean from Chuck - and their dad, his name even wasn’t curved on the table by the end of the ep and despite the kind words to John in 14x13 we saw in 15x16 and 15x17 how destructive was John’s impact on Dean - not at Sam, ‘cause Dean was protecting Sam all along. Jack from Sam and Dean - this freedom is blurred though ‘cause of Cas’s absence in the episode structure. But his freedom is a good thing itself - for Jack it’s impossible to be a human, Kelly believed that. Cas believed that. Cas saw paradise on earth - so Jack’s chosen fate was in being a Child who is everywhere, in all of us, who doesn’t play with us, but lets us act ourselves. He isn’t the God as we understand him in strict norms, he isn’t cruel and abusive. And he should be free of any expectations from Sam and Dean - Cas said it in 15x18 to him. Jack is a grown-up in his own manner. He is independent now, and that’s a good thing.

Also, there is a promise in these shots:

We see these shots 3 times - before Jack returns all the humans, in the process of returning (see the girl whose bike was abandoned at the road at the end of 15x18 and at 15x19 beginning?) and when he talks about him being everywhere. One More. The One. Is Jack the One now? Is he the one more One? Is it ONE MORE EPISODE? One more story? One more thing? One more... You can continue the thought if you want. All I want to say - these shots are visually important and I find them hopeful :)

I liked Sam and Dean in the end. I’m a Destiel shipper but I’ve never hated Sam and Sam and Dean’s relationship. I just think it’s not good for this relationship to be romantic - it’s not good for both of Sam and Dean. But I respect them and their bond and don’t see anything bad for DeanCas ship in it. In fact, it’s quite the opposite - Sam was helping both Cas and Dean all the time. I’m afraid of thinking what will happen without him. Nothing good I suppose. I liked the way this scene was filmed. It’s also hopeful for me - though the double reading here is possible. But I think “just us” is not the end. I liked the names curved on the table as the fact. Now it’s confirmed - they ARE a family. All of them.

I liked the choice of the song - Running on Empty. Wow. Symbolically - ‘cause the Empty in the story is the separate character AND the place, you know. I liked a clip-show at the end. It’s nostalgic and sweet, and it has Cas in it - he IS the part of that, not only as Dean’s love interest, hey. He has his own party. Here the story of blood ends. What’s next?

We’ll wait and see.

And now - some things in 15x19 which left me disappointed.

I must confess that I’ve always loved SPN myth-arcs and wasn’t noticing Destiel as a thing for a while because my interests weren’t in the field of shipping. This show wasn’t about shipping for me - and the weirdest, it isn’t about shipping for me now. It’s a DAMN GOOD STORY WITH THE SENSE. And the sense is love. Yep.

So this episode didn’t do well with the myth-arc.

You see, I kinda enjoyed some of Buckleming eps. For instance, 15x13 - I love it, and there are some more. I’ve even appreciated their lack of subtext, parallels, allusions sometimes. They could be very specific. One more example - when Dean in 11x03 cupped Cas’s face, it was very easy to understand the ROMANTIC nature of their relationship and stuff.

But this ep?!

Pandemic situation added some stress I suppose. Nevertheless, all the story with Lucifer and Michael is just catastrophic. The only strong part was Lucifer telling Michael how Chuck can’t love - and the fact that his words were confirmed by the plot, and Chuck’s inability to love finally ended him. We’ve known that. We’ve predicted that. I’ve written about it here.

“You’ve killed your own son” (c) Dean, who didn’t do that.

But the rest part of this story---ugh. Killing Luci so easily? Michael is so plain as a character? Are you f*cking kidding me?!! Even AU!Michael was more interesting, I swear. I had a feeling that I myself could write this part of story better. And it’s not about lack of Cas as Dean’s love interest or hope for his returning, or for DeanCas whatever, I’m pretty sure we will get all of that. It’s about the myth-arc only! One of the main ones from season 4!

All this epic story of Luci and Mike could be done much more better. Like WAY MORE BETTER. With the same convo, you know,with the same outcome, which is absolutely correct - we are not supposed to serve our parents. But different details, WTF! And that’s my main point here.

There are some other things that I’m disappointed about, though less: 1) Betty the Reaper was a total WTF either despite of her eager lines. 2) I need more explanations about how exactly Jack gained his new power, how is he reunited with Amara, how he returned all the people BUT NOT Donna, Bobbie, Charlie, Jody, Eileen, Cas - not the people HE cares about. Or they are not important for him now? This thing could be resolved in 15x20 though. 3) I didn’t like physical violence from Chuck. A) I have some doubts if he can properly do it, he like to watch. What’s changed? I’m not convinced. B) I felt physical pain from that scene. It was awful. It all could be showed for us in a different way, but they didn’t want that. 4) I didn’t like how Chuck’s mind changes every second. I don’t kill you, I don’t care about you, you’ll live and suffer, no, I’ll kill you. It could be written more properly, but hey. This part is much more harder to fix that Luci and Mike’s. 5) I didn’t like the dog move. Like AT ALL. I loved Jensen’s kind voice and his acting, but: A) all these doggy parallels are not for me, I didn’t like how Cas was called a dog before - in Buckleming eps specifically (and that terrible parallel in 8x15!), but not only there. I didn’t like when Atropos called Sam and Dean Cas’s pets either. Not my kink, sorry - and it’s JUST TOO THICK; B) it’s classic move. So classic that it’s dumb! The Bad Guy always hurts some cute pets. Kitties, doggies, birds whatever. That’s how we are supposed to understand that he is Bad. Hey, we all know that Chuck is bad. Why to add something? To mess with Destihellers? Not helping here. 6) The moment with Luci instead of Cas (for Dean, for Jack) could be less “haha gays” and more proper either I guess. It feels more like a mocking to me the way it is, whether the idea was good. Luci played Cas for Dean before (11x11, 11x14), as he played Jess for Sam and Sarah for Nick, and he played a father for Jack. He was in his place there - a mock from Chuck. But you can’t blame Chuck on the poor writing ALL THE TIME. 7) Also the music. It just didn’t feel right.

8) The end for Jack is right... but also somehow confusing, like something is omitted. Or SOMEONE. You know whom.

Someone whose absence also made Michael so plain, I suppose.

Jack’s story started with Cas, I think it couldn’t end without him. Jack was so devastated to hear about his death - and all is OK in the finale? ‘Cause he is the Almighty now? And Michael - he was also connected to Cas, we saw it in 14x10, in 15x08 - all the way actually. There should be some mentioning of Cas from Michael I think. Not from the DeanCas point of view - it’s Adam who noticed something in 15x08, not Michael, Michael was angry with Cas. But somehow their connection made Michael stronger as a character. Okay, he is not strong enough to rebel. But that’s Cas who said that! He said that he felt sorry for Michael, that it’s Lucifer who was always the smart one.

Without this context Michael isn’t easy to understand - though we heard that Adam is erased and I liked that. That’s a hint - Michael had a strong will when he had Adam, without Adam he is lost, just like AU!Michael was.

I think he is lost because he killed his Lucifer - in both cases. He gave Chuck his ending - and Chuck can’t respect that, he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like to win. So Michael couldn’t rebel though he’d known about Chuck’s motives from Cas, and not because of love, but because him being a cuck. And all this will be much more easier to understand with Cas’s mentioning. But NO. We had a dog instead. Like WTF again???

The Jack’s part could be fixed in 15x20 I suppose. But not Michael’s part. Well, sorry for him. Now I must add the myth-arc was also connected with Cas all along. He is not just the main hero’s love interest - well, HE IS, but he has also his role in the plot. HE IS A REAL TRICKSTER of the show, the rebellious one, the rule-breaker - at all levels. So without even MENTIONING him in the main myth-arc all this arc looks like a card house, and not as proper as Luci’s card house from this ep was.

This arc deserved much more better. It deserved Cas as a trickster. Don’t like him even mentioned ‘cause he’s also Dean’s love interest? Well, say good-bye to a proper myth story. And that’s a shame, in my opinion.

‘Cause 15x20 could be 15x19 and vice versa and both eps could win ‘cause of that.

Well, that’s the reality we live in. And we’ve got so much goodness already. We should be thankful for that.

9) Who the hell is curved Jack and Cas’s names on the table? Sam and Dean? Jack? With Mary, it had sense, with all these flashbacks. I understood she curved her name herself. What’s for Cas and Jack? What’s the point? Dead for good? I know that’s NOT the point. So what is it? I can’t understand it here.

We need continuation, guys! :)

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grisdidthis · 4 years

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CHAPTER ONE: FIRST SIGHT

AKA, blessed fucknuggets, why do these fools feel the need to put themselves through high school, my sources tell me that the US school system isn’t all that to begin with, what gives?

PREVIOUS ENTRIES

(Warning: this got long. Looooong. Hence, cut, so that I don’t murder your dash like Edward doesn’t murder Bella in this chapter.)

Welcome to the first entry of a live-read that no one asked for, in which I’ll go through the first chapter of Midnight Sun, i.e. a retelling of the first Twilight book from Edward Cullen’s POV. Not to be confused with Grey, a retelling of the first volume of a Twilight fanfic with the serial numbers filed off, or the Life and Death edition, a retelling of the first Twilight book in which Bella Swan is genderbent into a dude called Beau, who utters the immortal line “I knew I must look like a gorilla on a greyhound.” Which still tickles my humerus to this day.

I’ve waited for this novel to drop so long that at some point I’d stopped waiting. If by some freaky turn of chance you stumbled on this without knowing about the hoopla surrounding the publication, here’s a Wikipedia link. The gist is that the first few chapters of the WIP got leaked, the author got upset, the book got shelved until ??? and no further information about it was forthcoming until a while ago, when out of the blue arrive the news that it’s getting released in August.

My first thought was “Oh, yay, something actually NICE is happening this year!”

My second thought was “Please let it be good, so that I can laugh outrageously at [name redacted] for mocking my enjoyment of this series!” And. Look. I know what’s said about Twilight with regards to its literary merit and Stephenie Meyer’s abilities as a writer. A lot of it is admittedly accurate. However, the metrics by which I measure the value of a book are a) did it entertain me? and b) did I gain anything by having read it? And yeah, those are personal and subjective items, but objectivity is a lie, Jesus enjoys using toasters to take selfies, and if ten years ago I hadn’t been looking for a place to post my 50k+ epic Renesmee-centric fanfic, I wouldn’t have met the people who are currently my best friends.

Which is to say: I’m too attached to this series to give a fig what color the prose is. Deal.

And yet. Me hoping that Midnight Sun would be good, in a way that people who don’t have my level of emotional investment might acknowledge, wasn’t… that farfetched? Because the last book Meyer released before this one, The Chemist? Is an improvement on all her previous work. A huge improvement! It’s competently written! The characters read like they were intended to be flawed, messy people.

The main romance isn’t the kind of fucked up that Bella and Edward’s is, where you can pen treatises on why they’re omg so unhealthy. It’s the kind of fucked up where five seconds after meeting her love interest, the protagonist drugs him unconscious, kidnaps him, sticks a urinary catheter up his ding dong, straps him to a table and tortures him for information until the guy’s ex-CIA identical twin drops a plane on the barn they’re in and crashes through the ceiling all “HANDS OFF MY BABY BROTHER YOU DISCOUNT MATA HARI!”

Then they all make friends and go on a road trip together because a shady government organization is after them.

That’s not a fucked-up relationship that you write an essay analyzing the fucked-up-ness of. It’s something you stare at, stunned and, if you’re me, torn between thinking “Holy shit, this is so my brand of heroine!!!” and “How much crack was Auntie Steph on when she wrote this?” And it’s beautiful. I want ten more like it. So my hopes for Midnight Sun are tempered by the knowledge that, being a retelling of an established narrative, it can’t go all-out with the batshit. But I’m still optimistic that some part of it will give me that warm “Awww, you’ve come a long way from where we first met, author! Good on you!” feeling.

Now let’s (finally!) get started on the chapter proper.

…oh wait there’s an author’s note.

…uhm. Yeah. My dreams. About those. *fixed stare at faraway bonfire* Actually, let’s not talk about those and just move on to Edward Not Liking High School, thank you. Yeah. That’s good.

Edward Cullen doesn’t like high school. Edward doesn’t like that people think. Edward doesn’t like that the human student body is beside itself with the arrival of some new chick. Edward thinks his adopted siblings are super basic. (Rosalie = shallow, Emmett = simple, Jasper = psycho two seconds away from jumping off his chair and going on a rampage.) We don’t get to hear his utterly unbiased assessment of Alice, because she butts in and starts a one-sided telepathic convo about how Jasper is two seconds away from jumping off his chair and going on a rampage. You know. Normal sibling stuff.

WHY DO YOU PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THIS HASSLE, WHY!

(Let me take this opportunity to share my pet crack theory that Carlisle Cullen is secretly the most twisted, evil vampire in all of vampiredom, and that the sending the young ones to high school bit is something he does solely because he gets his evil fix by feasting on the emotional toil it inflicts on them. Also why he’s a doctor; he can ignore the call of blood, because being surrounded by the pain of patients and their loved ones already keeps him fed. I mean. He was chilling with the Volturi way back when, and Aro gives off a handsy vibe. No way he didn’t get his mind read in every which way, and if that happened - if he were reaaaalllyyyyy that nice, why would he still ping them as a threat of any kind?)

(This has holes in it, I know. And clashes with my other pet crack theory, which posits that the whole immortal child/Let’s Catch Them All: Cullen Edition was in fact the fallout of a Very Bad Italian Breakup, with Aro being the pissy ex who wants sole custody of the kids.)

Whatever. It still makes more sense than them going through “the inert state between active periods” when. My dudes! College is right there. Some places you can even sit out 90% of lectures and still get your diploma if you don’t feel like faking one, so Jasper would be all set! And you can pick different subjects! Diversify! Why must it always be med school rehashes, there are other worthy professions! And whole fields that are useless for getting-a-job purposes, but still interesting and enriching for those who have the luxury to pursue them. Let Emmett do Viking Studies, for fuck’s sake!

This amuses me much more than it rightfully should. I’m a child.

The Cullen clan tries to pep talk Jasper into not getting his murder on. Jasper is like OMG WILL YOU GUYS LAY OFF, while Edward is busy doing his judgy Edward thing and thinking to himself that Jasper should accept his limitations, that it’s a bad idea to have him at school at all, blah blah bleh, and you know what, I’m with you there, Ed.

Although we all know that this is just setup for the irony that will ensue as soon as Bella the Delicious klutzes her way into his line of smell.

Oh yah! Enter Bella. Edward can’t hear her thoughts. Jessica Stanley is a b-word. Edward wonders whether not being able to butt into the new girl’s head may be a red flag for vampire Alzheimer. Biology class next! The teacher is a man “of no more than average intellect” and, lord. It’s lucky that Edward is the mind reader in the family, because imagine if it were one of the others and they had to put up with listening to him bitch about the world at large, nonstop, at all hours of the day. And night, since these guys don’t sleep. Angela Webber is the only soul in the whole school whose thoughts have the Edward Cullen seal of approval. I feel sorry for her. I also feel this weird sense of hey, this all seems familiar in senses other than being a retelling, have I been here before?

Wait.

WAAAIIIIIITEEEEE.

*googles for the old version*

*runs first chapters through copyleaks*

*kubrick stare* MEYER, YOU LAZY SO AND SO, HOW COULD YOU!

*slams head on desk*

Well. At least I know what I’m in for. HONESTLY! It’s been. It’s been THIS MANY YEARS since the leaked version appeared, and that was a first draft, how in the… she’s way better than this, now! Was this novel produced in a terminal state of $#%CARING#NOT?&FOUND?! Is half of it just going to be the same old thing with a thin veneer of polish? I’m.

*sigh* You know what, I’m okay. We’re just going to call this first part a re-read. It’s been ten years, so I remember not a whole lot of the specifics, so at least I won’t be bored. BUT COME CHAPTER 13 I EXPECT TO BE SWEPT OFF MY FEET, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

Biology. Bella walks in right past a fan and gives Edward a throbbing throat boner. How awkward. Then she goes and sits right next to him and saucily tosses her hair around like he’s not actively plotting her murder and that of the rest of the class. The cheek of the thing!

Fortunately, Bella’s tasty ass is momentarily saved by a stiff breeze.

…I think we may have found the solution to Jasper’s control issues. The Cullens just need to start carrying air freshener around and spray the murder out of him every time he starts looking peckish. It would look weird if anyone else did it, but since they’re all pretty and rich, it’s more likely that the trend will catch on and cause Febreze sales to skyrocket.

Anyway. We’re not done victim-blaming Bella for…

…at least another couple of pages, but at least Edward gets his head out of his ass long enough to recall that hey, vampire! Oxygen is optional! But he still spends another lot of words grumbling about what a hassle it is to be forced to hold his breath in order to dampen his murderous urges. This is why you are a virgin, Edward. No, I don’t mean the planning the assassination a classmate’s assassination, plenty of serial killers still manage to get laid heaps, consensually, even! It’s the fact that you’re this much of a buzzkill that’s the issue.

Live, laugh, love, you dumbass disco ball!

Yep, he’s still on about how he’s going to kill her, totes kill her, he feral dangerous vampire, rawr. The miracle of adequate indoor airflow only got him to railroad a quartet of brain cells into thinking up smarter ways of snuffing Bella out. Now he wants to lure her to the forest. No, he’s going to kill her at home! He hates her! No, he hates himself and is projecting!

So he flees to his car, plays some calming music, breathes in and out and thinks about his family and how disappointed they’d be in him if he were to help himself to a Swan shake. Well, I’m nobody to shit talk anyone’s self-soothing routine. I’d probably throw in a truck of food + a bath, but he’s had 100+ years to figure out what coping mechanisms work for him, so let’s just let him do his-

Edward.

EDWARD.

…do you actually think this is an appropriate time to start a ginger-off with some random desk lady? Yes, we know you’re the One True Redhead To Rule Them All. (Though Kvothe from Name of the Wind may beg to differ, and I don’t know who would win that fight.) I mean, really? You pull this crap when you just barely talked yourself out of a murder? And then you call her eyes flat! What!

One of my favorite comic book series, Y the Last Man, features a scene where two characters discuss what it is that truly binds people together. One of them presents the argument that stronger bonds are formed not by shared love, but by shared hates. By which they mean not a kiss-kiss-slap-slap, enemies-to-lovers relationship dynamic, but like… you, being someone who really hates coleslaw, having a partner who likewise hates coleslaw, with whom you can indulge in tireless verbal roastings of coleslaw and who will never get tired of your complaining, because the fire of their loathing burns every bit as hot as yours.

I’ve always felt that this concept resonated with me deeply. And if you apply it to Bella and Edward, by its standards, they have the real deal. Go through the namesake chapter in Twilight-the-book, and you find Bella thinking similarly judgy thoughts, being irked by the same shit that no one normal would bat an eye to, going “Ugh!” and “Gah!” at everything that makes Edward wince internally. So their love will be eternal for sure. Perhaps not in an epic way. They’ll live boringly ever after, until they’re ancient and onion-skinned and lurking at passerby humans through the geraniums on their windowsill, exchanging “Holy crow, I can’t believe she bought a hydrogen engine car just to show off!” / “Awful! She should know that thinning the deer population so that they produce less flatulence is the most sound way of controlling toxic emissions!” And then probably gazing at one another like idiots for an ice age or two.

Edward wants to be moved out of Biology class. Goes back and forth with the desk lady, who obviously wants to tap that, because of course she does. Every hot-blooded woman within spitting distance must crave his alluring icicle, even as he mentally eviscerates every minuscule detail of their appearance.

Except Bella, because she’s soft, translucent, deep-eyed and edible. And, I mean. You can complain all you want about “you’re different from anyone else I’ve ever met, you’re SPECIAL, better, more beautiful, more everything!” being a dead horse of a trope so old and beaten that by all rights it should have turned to smelly glue, but. That pony is still kicking. And by kicking, I mean selling. And it sells because being made to feel special, even if it’s happening by proxy while you’re immersed into the thoughts of a fictional character, is nice. Readers enjoying that experience and seeking out fiction that provides it shouldn’t be considered so… mock-worthy as I’ve seen it be, in discussion of works that feature the trope prominently.

Which doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be nicer if Edward’s narration were focused solely on elevating Bella, instead of also viciously kicking down everyone in the vicinity. Man, we get the message, okay? You don’t need to act like you’ve swallowed a Simon Cowell before coming in for school.

I swear, it’s almost a relief when Bella interrupts, heralding the triumphant return of the throat boner. Edward’s thoughts about the people around him are actually LESS gratuitously bitchy when he’s contemplating how to best murder them.

At least this time he is able to extract himself from the situation and flee speedily. (Which… in Biology, what exactly was preventing him from asking for a bathroom break? Or just saying he was feeling poorly and getting the fuck out of there?)

He meets the sibs. Only Alice has any clue of what is going on because visions, and she doesn’t explain anything to the others, who just stand there baffled while Edward decides to get his shiny ass in his shiny Volvo and run off to Alaska. Probably because it would ruin the serious mood of the scene if she told them and Jasper started doing happy cartwheels at the prospect of no longer being the only fuckup in the family.

END CHAPTER. Same time tomorrow, hopefully, and I’ll TRY to be less longwinded. Try.

#TWILIGHT #MIDNIGHT SUN #EDWARD CULLEN #GRISREADSMS #MIDNIGHT SUN SPOILERS

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we-are-trickster · 5 years

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Adventures in Capitalism!

Or Why Trickster had a Panic Attack Today

So I’m a pretty chill person. I realize we live in a capitalist system and that until we fix some things, life is just gonna be like thatTM.

I changed jobs recently to get away from a shitty work environment and to free up some time to go back to school. I now work part time as a funeral home receptionist. It’s a fairly easy job, nothing too crazy, and I think I deal with death better than most with my pagan belief system.

So the place I work for is one of the ones that’s over watched (I hate to say managed...) by a dignified network. They set the sales goals and imho take away from the true mission of a Funeral Home to provide families with comfort and service during the darkest days of their lives. They’re really about them Benjamins....

To the point our sales team is entirely on commission. Yep.... the amount of money they take home is entirely dependent on how many contracts they sell. No base pay, but hey they do get health benefits! 🤮

Honestly, I hate that sort of set up because a) you’re employed by a company that takes the lion’s share from hundreds of sales reps and b) if you’re constantly trying to squeeze the most money possible out of someone are you actually trying to give them the best customer service? Or are you looking for that fat paycheck? Especially in an industry that should be looking to help people, and adding any additional financial hardship after a death is skeevy as hell.

I learn fact this from one of our sales reps who tells me she’s happy with this system. She’s “as red as can be” in terms of politics and thinks that if you’re in sales as a career, you should be able to work entirely off of commission, no base pay...... Gods above...

So I just block her out and ignore her as best I can, she’s young and dumb. But a few weeks after this convo, the lady who worked the front desk during the day either quits or is fired... I’m not 100% because two days before she leaves the company she’s shaking in anger and close to tears because they wrote her up for some stupid shit. She was literally written up for having to take off work to care for her sick kid....

Okay, I smell corporate fuckery there... she literally was doing a little bit of everything, not just working the phones, and they treated her pretty shitty...

So I start picking up day shifts. Fast forward to today, as I’m working an older Hispanic lady comes in asking about our pricing. By law, I have to hand her a list of our services and what they cost. No biggie at first, but Captialist-as-Fuck sales girl approaches and starts inserting herself into the convo as I’m trying to get a clear picture of what this lady wants (she’s asking about Direct Burials, no funeral) because she later reminds me “the sales team works off of commission....” yeah, good for you mate....

But what sets me off is a line about how “(previous front desk worker) used to take floral orders and stuff without giving them to the sales team” and how she hated that after the Hispanic lady goes with sales team member no2 (the less evil one i think....).The fuck? You lost out on small, pidly stuff like flowers? Oh noes! How could your capitalist ass survive?!

For some reason, I nearly shaking. Part of me is scared of retaliation... my mind goes back to how my ex-coworker left and the weird circumstances surrounding it. My extremely anti-capitalist ass is now scared that if I make a wrong move or decision that the salesperson will somehow orchestrate my unemployment.... like, it feels silly to admit but that was my thought process.

I just... ugh... I’m planning to bleed this place dry for a scholarship and then once I get my degree and can be a full-fledged funeral director, kiss this place and the dignified network goodbye. They very nearly own a monopoly on the funeral industry because they keep buying up funeral homes across the country and just adding what equivocates to an asterisk over the place’s original name, making you think they’re all individual places still... Nope....

Trickster needs some vodka....

#trickster rants #trickster adventures

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serenagaywaterford · 5 years

Text

random thoughts:

jsyk, Serena swam in the place my dog poops. I hope Fred stepped in it. Die Fred.

(spoilers obvs)

NOT. ENOUGH. JANINE. the only time i cheered out the entire 3 episodes was that one glimpse of janine.

I got to see my girl Alma though which was lovely.

OMG. Can... I just... that scene with Emily walking through the hospital was the dumbest fucking, most American stupid scene ever on this show. It was so fucking cheesy and absolutely 10000% unrealistic. Who actually thought it was a good idea? They should be fired. Or sent to go work on Grey’s Anatomy or something. Not even that shitshow aka SVU would do something as painfully cliched and cheesy as that. Firstly, this show is fucking stupid. Okay. If all this shit was happening, Canada would have got like MILLIONS of refugees. Seeing the cops escort some raggedy refugee would be common af. Maybe it’s the baby thing? Still, Canadians aren’t gawkers like that. We also don’t like embarrassing displays like that. It’s so American it hurts. NOBODY CLAPS LIKE THAT IN A FUCKING HOSPITAL. It’s a quiet place, okay. Also, why don’t any of these doctors have anything better to do? Anyway. I hated that scene so much.

Nick is so boring. So boring. He’s just a wet doughnut. I sorta liked him getting angry at June but also I wish I cared about anything he has to say. Bye Nick Bland. Good riddance.

Lawrence’s one liners? Funny. Lawrence? Disgusting awful psycho. I hate him sfm.

Fred? Also disgusting. I hate him 10000x more. Everything about him is repulsive. He’s so much worse this season. I hate everything about his entitled, poor me, manpain. I hate hearing about any of his feelings. Fucking die already. I found him interesting enough as an antagonist in the show before but no longer. Redundant.

Beth. Too good for Nick. Too good for this world.

Too much staring. I AM SO SICK OF IT. It wastes time. Is redundant af at this point. I’m bored. Stop it.

Moss... um. Honey. I love you but... what the fuck was up with all the over-acting? 302 seemed particularly bad. Like I just can’t take it anymore. Who directed 302? They should be fired too for making her do that. Also, lady from Transparent, what the fuck was up with her acting?

Luke is useless. Like, I get it. I get why he’s a huge damp sulkbaby but I mean. I don’t want to see it? I’d rather just not see him at all cos literally I can’t recall a scene of him not being fucking useless or ignorant. Or half-assing it. I want to like Luke, honestly. But I just... don’t. I love the shit outta Moira and Erin, and I adored Moira/Emily interactions. But Luke? Miss me with his manpain.

Once again, I hate Lawrence. He is no good. He’s so fucking creepy and gross. I do not understand why people like him? And I don’t mean, “I don’t know why people like this character.” I mean, “I don’t understand why people like this person.” As a character, sure, he’s interesting and revolting and does his role well. He’s even got some funny lines and Whitford has great delivery. I mean these people who LIKE HIM. As a person. They think he’s great and a good guy. I don’t get it. Are we watching the same show? He’s a great character and a terrible person. That said, he’s still a dude and I’m not about to say he’s such a great character that I want to know all about him. Nah, bros. I wanna know all about Emily, Moira, Serena, Janine, Alma... and June I suppose but we already have quite enough of her. I don’t care about Lawrence’s backstory or emotional turmoil. I don’t need his perspective cos I’ve seen it before, I know it already. It’s in so many movies, books, and TV. So, he may be a well-written character but he’s not a fascinating one. If we wanna dig around in the psyches of bad people, Serena and Lydia are far more fascinating cos bad women’s stories are so much rarer to explore in any depth.

So, June got her feet lashed to shit again. And then she’s just walking around like no biggie next scene? Did the writers forget the first season when June couldn’t walk at all? All I’m asking is a bit of a limp?

June going straight to the house that just housed the handmaid that ran away with June’s baby seems... well, like complete bullshit. Never.

SERENA ISN’T WEARING HER WEDDING BAND. She’s done. She hates that man and I hate the fact everyone is pushing her to just get over it. Fred... is horrible in literally every single way. Every. Single. Way. (And sure Serena is horrible in some ways, but not nearly the same ways as Fred.) I just want Serena to be free of him. I want her and June to murder his ass. Graphically. That is the only violence I want to see on this show in the future. OMG, I can’t actually explain how much I hate him and I vomit in my mouth thinking about Serena having to get back with him. Even if I know she has to in order to survive. Ugh.

UM. Okay, the “blood against the snow” bit was really interesting. I don’t recall Offred saying that in the book but Atwood brings it up often when talking about red. It was clever to include her own words, just like last season with the “men are afraid women will laugh at them...” bit.

But speaking of weird inclusions: Lawrence reciting book!Offred’s line about how easy is it to invent a humanity for anyone. It was curious they had Lawrence saying that to June, whereas it’s Offred in the book thinking that about the Commander. “He was not a monster, to her. Probably he had some endearing trait: he whistled, offkey, in the shower, he had a yen for truffles, he called his dog Liebchen and made it sit up for little pieces of raw steak. How easy it is to invent a humanity, for anyone at all. What an available temptation.”

My wife, when Nick showed up in 303: “Oh, this prick again!” Just out of nowhere cos we don’t talk about fandom shit. She has no idea the extent of my sick obsession with this show. She doesn’t know how much I loathe Nick lol. She’s completely casual and even she can’t stand Nick. Which is so lovely. And then when he was yapping about going to the front, she just muttered, “Hopefully he’ll die there.”

OH MY GOD. I HATE MEN. That whole Commanders meeting scene made me want to throw up multiple times. It started with the words “shipment of females” and just got progressively worse with every passing second.

Except... LMAO. June: *sees Fred at a meeting* Fred: Hello. June: Hey you see Serena? How’s Serena? Is Serena okay? Serena’s tough. She’s great. She’ll be okay. I love her. *proceeds to do the world’s worst cringe-inducing seduction* I think on some level even Fred knows it’s bullshit.

I love comparing June’s seduction of Fred to her seduction of Serena. They’re very interesting contrasts. She’s so painfully fake with Fred. And only sort of insincere at times with Serena.

Man, Sylvia is a dick lol. LOOK RICHMOND IS HARD ENOUGH TO GET ACROSS WITHOUT YOUR LIME GREEN CAR BLOCKING THE ONE MOVING LANE OF TRAFFIC!!!!!! Jokes aside... I actually really liked that scene of Emily finally calling her. That was touching and the closest I came to actually getting sniffly. Actually no. Traffic on Richmond is no joke. I’m not kidding. That was a dick move, Sylvia. LOL.

June saying Nichole gets her politicianess thing from Serena absolutely fucking slayed me. I don’t even care if she was emotionally manipulating her af, it seemed genuine in parts of that convo. TWO MOMMIES. June used her flashback!June voice at one point. Honestly, these two actresses run this town. You can tell how broken Serena is tho cos she’s oblivious to how manipulative June is being. She’s been aware in the past as soon as June does her whole “Say nice thing, bond over babies, ask for something” method and called her on it. It’s June’s only trick. It’s transparent af. And Serena knows it. Yet, she seems completely wooed now and not at all suspicious. So, when she gets her wits together again, I suspect Serena won’t be so malleable.

I’ve said a bunch of stuff about June/Serena stuff in my tag rants so I won’t repeat it. I just fell in love with it all.

PRAISE BE!!! We didn’t actually have to see a Nick/June sex scene. Behold His miracle! I was so relieved. And then... curiously they continued that love-theme-y music all the way over into Serena’s scene with June and that was not a coincidence.

I know people really like that Boomtown Rats song being the music to the fire... And it’s a jam. But... it’s about a real school shooting and I feel like that’s just a little... off? (Not to mention Tori Amos’ version is better, imo.) I mean, okay, I did some drama courses in university and I did a thing about that song so I researched it all and it just to me doesn’t fit at all. A 16-year-old girl shot up an elementary school. And somehow, call me crazy, but that’s completely inappropriate to use in this scene. I get female rage, etc etc. I get they didn’t want to go super obvious and use a song about burning houses. But considering how EXCELLENT a song they chose for 3x03 with that Roy Harper track you’d think they’d find something better for the bed/house burning. Not only that but the motive for Spencer was ... literally nothing. She didn’t like Mondays and thought it would be fun to kill a bunch of kids--which is the complete opposite of Serena’s motivations. It just devalues it.

I want more of Emily’s journey. This is the first time I’ve actually been interested in Emily tbh. And Clea Duvall is a treasure.

I want a Moira/Emily BROTP. Honestly Moira just seems like the best friend anybody could have?

WHY IS NICK A COMMANDER?! WTF????? Was I just not listening carefully enough? Is he? Cos I don’t really pay attention when he’s onscreen tbh and the wifey was like “Why’s this guy a commander now?” And I was like, “What do you mean he’s a commander?” Honestly, Nick is just like a piece of furniture. I barely notice him onscreen lol. Okay, this has nothing to do with my dislike of him. It honestly does not make any sense. We saw that other Commander only got promoted because his wife got pregnant. WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY PROMOTE NICK? What on god’s green earth has he EVER fucking done well? Why the shitting hell would they promote a Guardian who, under his watch, has had one handmaid kill herself, another one escape/”get kidnapped”, wife cheat on him then get executed, allow a BABY to get kidnapped, the house get burned down????? All those things seem like Very Bad things and put all together seem like something that would put him on the Wall for being such a shitty employee rather than someone who deserves MORE responsibility. There’s literally no reason to make him a Commander. Just conscript him to the Chicago front. You don’t need a reason. He’s a grunt. Eye or not. I DO NOT GET IT. Fred gets demoted and Nick gets promoted? Nahhhhh mans. Not buying it.

So little Nick. I love it. I want zero Nick, but this’ll do. I’ll even put up with him being a Commander (LMAO) if it means he goes away for a while.

Lawrence calling out June’s terrible seduction technique (it is really bad), and calling Fred stupid = :}

OK BACK TO THE BURNING WATERFORD HOUSE... i cannot abide how SLOW June is ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME. Like, she shows up in Serena’s little pyromaniacal bedroom inferno and is like “COME ON!” and pulls her out of the room in what appears to be a hurry. Then as Serena and Rita are rushing out June just fucking stops and starts staring at all the smoke as if she’s on fucking shrooms. Then there she goes on her bullshit... Hey, bish, the house is literally burning down cos your crazy ass soulmate set fire to her own life and maybe you should leave. No? Not interested? Sure, stand there. Feel up the walls like I did once on MDMA. Makes total fucking sense. TAKE YOUR TIME WHY DON’T YOU? Why not? It just reminded me of 2x13 when Rita was saying “You gotta leave NOW!” and June just took it upon herself to carve a bunch of shit onto the wall for no goddamn reason.

OKAY. I WAS RIGHT. The other night when I was like, “I think I know that beach.” I do know that beach!!! My dog likes to take dumps right where Serena was. (I clean up after him, don’t worry.) I can point out that beach on a map if you want. There are also heroin needles and ticks in the bushes. There is literally a water treatment plant 200m away. I go swimming exactly where Serena was and once a dead fish floated by and I had to wrestle my dog away from it. I have been swimming there a lot. It’s nice in the summer. HOWEVER, poor Yvonne in her drysuit doing that in fucking November or whatever. This lake is fucking cold even in summer sometimes lmao. Like, I’ve spent so many hours right in that spot... cos well, I used to live right up the road so duh. Of course now that I don’t live there now and it was winter so why would I take my dog swimming, that they decide to film there. OF COURSE.

Speaking of filming, not that anyone cares, they were at the St Lawrence Market at one point. It was so obvious. Wasn’t really paying attention to any of the other locales tbh. If I watch again and pay attention I prolly could pick out a few more but honestly the only person that entertains is myself.

I still can’t believe Serena was being reborn on dogshit/dead fish beach.

#spoilers #no tags cos i don't want it in search

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yiulee999 · 6 years

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opm time traveler au (spoilers)

genos goes back in time and tries to disguise himself and befriending sai as a bookworm lol and they become good friends until sai is fooling around and playfully steals genos’ glasses one day and the you know 💘 💘 💘 💘

what started out as a random doodle turned into a multi-chapter length fic draft out on discord!! *o*

the full convo/story is posted below bUT its heavy angst!! be warned!! sorry about the casual lingo, i was posting in chat format XD

so time traveler au picks up from when sai was getting picked on back in middle school chapter in the manga

and when genos goes back in time he thinks the only way he can get close to saitama if he was an ‘outcast’ too

so he purposefully nerdifies himself more? lOL how is possible,,,

Originally genos got sent back by dr. Genus as way to figure out the key to sai’s strength

Bc in the ‘future’ genos, they had just met and genos just wanted to know what made sai powerful

And initially when they meet genos is very forward about wanting to know all about saitama who finds it kinda creepy and stalkerish when he finds genos tailing him in the hallways and after school haha

And other classmates notice how the new kid (genos) follows/takes an interest in the class loser (sai) so predictably they start making fun of and bullying genos too

Genos, true to form, doesnt give a fuck xD

But sai has mixed feelings about it bc it was the first time someone took an actual interest in him and even though he’s so forward, genos never overstepped boundaries with him and was an okay guy overallBut alot of the story has to do with sai trying to figure out what its like to have a friend

And what to do because hes never had one

But he does know that he doesnt like seeing genos getting pushed around or made fun of so there are moments where he’ll try to stick up for him by telling them to knock it off or pulling genos aside to a differnt hallway when he sees the bullies coming

At the same time hes so confused on like what to do right, so he’ll also try to push genos away, ‘maybe if he didn’t hang around me so much, he’ll won’t get picked on…’

There was one scene i knew i wanted to do

Where after sai stands up for genos, the bullies treat sai worse

So it was an after school thing, behind one of the school buildings where sai is beat up pretty bad (like barely standing) and the bully has him by the front of his shirt and had his fist pulled back

When genos arrives

Before, sai had managed to ditch genos so he wouldnt see sai when he’s ‘weak’And always made up some excuse when he bruises or other injuries

So genos interrupts the scene by straight up grabbing the bullies wrist

And seething in all toasty righteous fury ‘dont touch him!’

and sai cant see it cus he had two black eyes at this point

but this was some dialogue i had written:

S:’What’s he doing? Why is he helping me?‘ "Hey–“

Bully pulls back fist "Look, kid. You’re new so I’ll give you a free pass this time if you walk away right now. You wouldn’t want us to mess up that pretty face of yours, would you?"

G: "How generous of you. Unfortunately, I won’t be extending the same courtesy to anyone who treats this person disrespectfully. Especially not ugly trash like you. "

Bully: "Why you��!! ”

And when the bully tries to redirect the hit to genos, genos instinctively throws out his palm and says ‘incin—‘ before he realizes he doesnt have his cannons

And genos is about to get b e a t

When sai wrenches himself from the bullies grip and takes the hit for him

They like tumble down and genos is confused to what happened before he sees sai lying motionless beside him, bleeding from his head and unresponsive

And i was gonna end a chapter there with genos screaming saitama’s name…

Next chapter was gonna be sai waking up slowly and in a world of hurt

He realizes he’s in the nurses office

It was night time

And when could finally see, he hallucinates seeing like 8 mini genos (remember the genosbots :3)‘Why…whys there eight of you/??’

So basically genos is worry over him so much whereas sai says its fine but genos is like feeling really bad so sai shakily reaches over and gently taps him on the forehead

And grins weakly, ‘there, now we’re even.’

Genos is crying openly bc he’s remembering when future saitama playfully hit his head after a spar and he thinks that saitama-sensei is strong no matter how old he is

And he’s just…overwhelmed by how kind and strong saitama is, even when he has no strength at all (Cus hes like 14 rn haha)

I think a couple days pass, and genos and saitama are eating lunch on the roof (cue bento box scene lol)

Sai is healing nicely, genos is still feeling bad whenever he looks over an sees the bandage on sais head

Some dialogue:

Eating lunch on the roof. G: How’s your wound? S: Hm? Oh, it’s fine. Don’t worry, my teachers say I have a hard head. G: I’m sorry. S: ? Why are you sorry? Not like you’re the one who punched me. G: I made things worse. If I hadn’t antagonized him, then–!! S: Then he woulda beat me up anyway. Seriously, man, it’s not your fault, okay? So you can stop doing all those things for me. G: Like what? S: You know! Like being nice to me and buying lunch and stuff. You don’t need to feel guilty about it anymore.

Sai is still kinda insecure abt having a genuine friend, so he still thinks genos is being nice to him out of pity or smtg, (and genos had been particularly nice to him after he got injured so he figured it was out of guilt)

And i mean….it was,, genos feels terribly guilty…but i think watching sai, who was powerless, attempt to protect him just made him more intrigued (and unbeknownst to him fall a lot deeper in love XD)

But genos says thats not why he does those things

That saitama reminded him of ‘someone’ he knew whom he admired greatly

At his ‘old’ school

He tells sai about his ‘sensei’ and how amazing this person was and all of his great qualities

And sai was feeling a little more depressed at each praise genos was singing about this person (coughjealouscough)

And i have another piece of dialogue here…

S: if you like him so much, why did you leave? G: …I wanted to see the kind of person sensei was before he became strong. this is where he grew up. S: …seems like a lot of effort just for one person. G:.that person (sai thoughts: he’s still talking?)…no matter what i did..I couldn’t reach him. I’d do anything to close the distance between us..I thought that if I came here, I would be able to understand him. I thought I could help him. G: touches saitama’s wound But instead, I’m still the one being saved. I never learn.

And genos gives sai this painfully heartfelt smile and its full of regret, frustration, self-loathing, admiration, and some other unidentified emotion that just floors saitama

Saitama sees genos’ smile and his eyes and is just...stunned by the level of vulnerability he sees (he’s never gotten close enough to anyone before to see it)

So he reaches out, hestitantly at first, before wiping away genos’ tears carefully because if he touches any harder he’s afraid genos would crumble

S: “i dont really get it...but if you feel that strongly, then i’m sure some part of your feelings reached him.”

And they share their first hug then :3

////

((When i wrote this, genos didnt have glasses haha so i guess that scene where sai realizes how pretty genos is would go before this one))

I guess if the glasses were involved, sai would be torn between wanting genos to take them off (so he can see his eyes which oddly finds that he likes them...alot.) and keep them on so other ppl wont see how pretty he is

Bc sure if they saw, genos would no longer be his friend

He would have so many ppl vying for his attn, he would be surrounded by girls and guys and would be approachableAnd saitama would get left behind

But i think even tho sai wants to be selfish and keep genos to himself, he also realizes that genos wouldnt be bullied if he were more accepted

So he would encourage genos to ditch the glasses and genos would end up getting accepted by everyone but he would still stay with saitama and nothing would change between them other than saitama getting really red at random times and avoiding eye contact more

It would just be one of the many things that strengthen their relationship as friends. And i think i had planned some stuff where they do a bunch of typical friend / kid stuff

Like genos tutoring saitama on math, genos running circles around sai in track/field (‘wtf...huff are...huff you?! huff some...kinda...rOBOT!?). Them going to the arcade, saitama taking genos around to explore his hometown, they go on hiking trips and stuff.

genos finding out saitama lived alone and that’s why he always buys lunch (or doesnt eat if he got bullied out of it that day) and talking out their issues and genos reaching out and saying yeah, he knew what it felt like to be alone

but that saitama should never feel that way because he wasn’t alone anymore, and saitama joking affectionately ‘yeah i have you to stick annoyingly close.’

and also heavy scenes like when you have to fill out future goals sheets in school where sai shyly admits that he’s always thought it’d be nice to be a hero and was shocked when genos was oVERWHELMINGLY supportive bc he’s never had anyone cheer for him like this, believe in him like genos does. And he calls genos crazy for agreeing with him, but he thinks he must also be crazy because when genos looks at him like that, he feels like he could do it

and its one of the first moments we see sai really open up to genos

bc being a hero was something he truly cared about

but his teachers, his classmates, heck the world, didn’t think he could do, they thought it was a hopeless dream for someone, and he’s so used to facing this kind of rejection that he’s started to believe it really would be impossible for someone like him....

but all it took was this one person, this one friend to tell him he could...and it made him feel invincible

and its probably the scene where saitama realizes how important genos is to him.

So of fucking course its when saitama realizes genos is important to him that drama bomb hits Basically, Dr. genus comes and pays genos a surprise visit. And hes like “did you forget the reason I sent you back here? Any updates?”

And genos is like “i have nothing of interest to report”

genus: "This isn’t some children’s game, you know. "

genos: "I must be careful not to expose myself. Saitama-sensei is more observant than I had initially planned--"

genus: "You’re stalling. I have an idea: Fight him. "

genos: !!! dr : "You’ll have a disguise. I will re-install your blasters. Perhaps a stressful situation will trigger a transformatio--. "

((so it was gonna be hinted at that even though genos appeared like a normal human, he was just redesigned by genus and was actually still a cyborg) genos: "I refuse to put Saitama-sensei in danger!!"

dr: "What danger? He is more than capable of--"

genos: "Right now, he is powerless. An attack could kill him--!"

dr: " And doing nothing will kill us!! Your mission is to find out the secret to his strength! Something we both wanted to discover and the entire reason why I chose you as my test subject! I will not sit here idly while you indulge in your childish fantasies that will get us both erased from the timestream. Look. " //he shows genos a pic of the hero registery from their time//

genos: " !!! Sensei’s name is missing!”

dr: " Your name is gone too. I dont know what you did but your actions are interfering with the future. Here. Collect your belongings and leave no evidence behind. We depart in 1 hour. "

genos: " !! Wait! Give me more time!! I understand now..!"

//genos has a bunch of flashbacks of when he does fun stuff with saitama. When sai tries to make him something in cooking class (and fails badly lol). When saitama shares his manga with genos. When they watch anime together.//

Genos: “I understand now..what type of person sensei was...his strength (when sai was protecting him from bullies)...his kindness (sai wiping his tears away)...his warmth (sai hugging him*)...!!”

“I finally understand...!!”

sai holding his hand, sai smiling and eating with him..

“...what its like to feel human again!!!”

He’s suddenly lifted off the ground and pushed roughly against the wall. Dr. Genus has him by the collar.

“Reality check, little shit!! You. Do. Not. Belong. Here! You’ve been playing pretend for far too long! And guess what demon cyborg?”

He tosses genos to the ground

“Time’s run out”

So chapter was gonna end with genos’ hand slowly fading in and out

next chapter would begin with genos being given 2 hours by dr. Genus to basically pack his shit and go. bc they cant leave any trace of the future stuff when they leave So genos ends up back in the classroom Packing his cute stationary and shit xD

(That sai bought him o b v i o u s l y )

And he’s startled by the door sliding open

And saitama walks in

He’s suprised to see genos there (and looking guilty?) “did ya forget smtg?”

And genos just kinda..looks away

And sai sees him packing up and taking everything and hes quiet for a bit ...

“You’re leaving?” He asks softly

“Saitama-kun, I—!”

“Why?” He keeps talking in that soft tone, but it silences genos more effectively than a shout

“I..I can’t...”

S: “...Is it because of that person?”

(Sai remembers the shine in genos eyes when he talks about his ‘sensei’, his special person, and his heart kinda just falls to his feet)

(i never had a chance, did i...)

Genos cant answer because yeah it was because of saitama in the future. So what if genos disappeared? Genos didn’t care. But the world needed saitama. It needed Saitama The Hero. He had to leave now so saitama can exist in the future

But since he cant say anything, for fear or changing the future even more, genos just doesnt say anything

So sai assumes that yeah, it was because of someone else, someone better than him, someone who deserved genos’ admiration and loyalty

He doesnt say anything, just approaches genos slowly, trying not to startle genos who has like deer in head lights ready-to-b o l t

And saitama rests his forehead on genos’ shoulder, barely touching him but close enough that genos cant ignore him, genos can feel his presence and his warmth

And theres a moment where genos is t o r n

Bc this saitama acknowledges him in a way that future sai wouldnt. This saitama looks at him and sees him whereas his sensei’s gaze passes over him to focus on the sale sign

And genos has been in school again, and he realizes he missed it. He missed having his worries be about being late for class, missing a school assignment, whether he could sit next saitama next class, what to pack for his and sai’s lunch tomorrow

And he knew in the back of his mind, that his real self, was in surgery at this time, trading warmth for fire and destruction, shedding his humanity while his future self was regaining it in the past,Thanks to saitama

He inhales sharply, ‘sai—‘ S: “don’t go.”

G: !

(Sai thought genos was going to say he was going to leave and he didn’t think he could hear him say it) S: “I know..he’s precious to you...” He reaches for genos, and after hesitating over touching genos’ hand, he settles for gripping genos’ sleeve of his school uniform tightly S: “but you’re precious to me “

And genos has tears streaming down his face. Because he wanted to stay, he had never wanted anything so much before than to just stay with saitama before he became sensei, to cheer for him when no one else would, to stop him from reaching the point he had trade his emotions for his strength, to stop the emptiness before it could touch him

But he also knew...that in order for his sensei to become strong...saitama needed to have these struggles that pushed him to change

That success without sacrifice was impossible, and he knew, genos KNEW it in his soul that if he stayed...if HE was the factor that caused saitama to limit himself, to fall back on a regular life when genos had seen it with his own eyes that this was a man destined for greater things...he would never be able to forgive himself

Genos throws his arms around saitama and hugs him tightly. He feels like he’s floating with nothing to ground him than the feeling of saitama returning his embrace equally tightly with his still lanky arms

G: “Saitama-kun....Thank you.”

G: “...goodbye.”

So next chapter begins ...With genos ending up back in genus’ lab

G: “Are we back?”

dr: “It appears so. We should—hey!! Where are you going?”

And genos is running off to look for saitama/his SENSEI because he had to exist, he had to still be a hero, right?!

He bumps into a monster

But not just any monster...Its the mosquito girl XD

Genos fights MG because its what he’s supposed to do, but he’s not scared for the fight...he’s scared for what’s to come AFTER...

And saitama shows up and finishes off MG with wan punch!!!

Genos is thankfully, not in disrepair bc he managed to dodge her attacks and was basically stalling for time

Saitama kinda sees him and looks at him blandly but to genos, that garrish, eye-burning yellow hero suit was the best thing he had ever seen

S: “Oh. A civilian? Are you oka—“

And he freezes all of a sudden.

And genos also freezes bc he doesn’t know what to do Its saitama-sensei...he should know the script, he’s done it all before

But now saitama-sensei was the stranger and he longed for the comfort that came with saitama-kun’s toothy smile

But he too had changed....he was a cyborg now, weaponized arms and black sclera on full display. His core spun dangerously. Would saitama even recognize him? Would he remember that day in the classroom when they parted ways, that was only a few hours ago for genos but more than a decade for saitama?

Genos froze. Would saitama even want to remember? After all the heartbreak genos had caused him?

Lost in his thoughts, genos almost didn’t notice saitama approach until the soft crunch of asphalt right in front of him jarred him to reality

Genos held his breath

Saitama didnt say anything. Only let that sharp gaze pierce genos in ways no monster could.

Genos couldnt read what he was thinking, he never could on his sensei’s bland face but this time, there was something tightly guarded in those brown eyes.

Saitama muttered something so low that genos had to use his advanced hearing to pickup

S: “It cant be...”

Louder and taking an aggressive step forward, saitama clenched his hand into a fist. He narrowed his eyes. “...If you’re some kinda shape-shifting monster...this won’t end well for you.”

G: “It’s genos!! I’m...I’m genos.”

Saitama freezes and his eyes grow wide. Genos almost instinctively lurches foward when saitama falls back on his heels, appearing shaken.

S: ...genos?

Genos nods tentatively.

For a moment, saitama doesnt say anything. But genos finds he doesnt need to. Those brown eyes had opened and genos could see, could feel some far-flung emotions creep back into that achingly familiar face as saitama let his gaze trail from his new eyes down his circuited arms and linger on the glowing blue that peeked through his shirt

After what felt like years, genos saw a corner of saitama’s lips twitch.

S: “It really is you....Heh. You haven’t changed a bit.”

G: “Sai—“

S: "I tried to forget you. I tried to go back to life before you. I finished school .... somehow got a job as a shitty salesman..."

S: "...I really tried."

Genos looked down, ashamed. He had been the one to injure saitama so unforgivably. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like if saitama had done the same to him, if he had turned genos away from being his disciple. Kicked him out. How could you forgive someone who changed your world for the better, only to leave it behind?

More than anything, he needed to beg for forgiveness, not that he deserved it—but saitama did.

G: “Saitama, I—“

Sai shook his head, like he didn’t want to hear it.

Genos thought his core would crack.

S: “I thought...If I were strong, things would get better. If I were stronger than that person..maybe you would have picked me instead.”

S: “Maybe you would have stayed “

S: “I trained and trained until I became strong...but it wasn’t enough. To capture your attention, I had to be the strongest.” Saitama pauses and shoots him a small, cheeky grin that had echoes of the same toothy smile Genos cherished.

S: “I would have to be, to take care of someone as high maintenance as you.”

Then the smile faded. S: “But even after I became strong..what did it matter? You had left and I didn’t know if I would ever see you again. And if for some crazy reason i Did meet you again...I didn’t know if i had it in me to ask you to choose again..”

G: (full on oil tears, the whole shebang)

G: S-Saitama..!!

Saitama grinned helplessly at him.

S: “So hurry up and choose me, genos!”

G: “Sensei!!!” [ because I had already chosen you a long time ago ]

They hug.

THE END!!!!!!!!!!! :’D

There’s a small epilogue where sai’s like..you called me teacher again. Im still not a teacher you know (in reference to this original post: http://yiulee.tumblr.com/post/139194391025/time-travel-au ) .

And genos is like: dont worry sensei, ill explain it to you

And sai is like ah, okay? But first. surprise smooch! S: been waiting 12 years to do that :D

/////

endless thanks to @konorai @batneko @egg-in-the-basket for bearing with me while i unloaded this beast into the discord chat..yall the real mvps!!! ;3;

#saigenos #opm #saitama #genos #time travel au #my writing #opm time travel au #i was right #im never finishing this LOL OTL #but!!#i hope you guys still enjoy the story outline! :D #the key scenes i wanted to write/draw are still included so im sated :>#yiulee art #opm art

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elizabethrobertajones · 7 years

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13x02 watching notes

i'm on a train. choo choo.

expectations: helpfully wrote them out last time for the season as a whole which this ep is introducing all the plot stuff for since last episode advanced the plot a single day of angst, but this episode especially has a few SUPER low bars to pass. Last time out BL failed spectacularly to not kill Eileen. now we have "don't assault mary, over-sexualise the day old guy, or flub introing the new characters, or reintroducing the returning ones"

our train was like 10 minutes late out the station because there was no driver. is this a metaphor.

i also had to eat krispy kreme doughnuts before I could dig into the episode.

oh jeeze Drexel survived season 12... no one really has a fanclub for the random minions, probably because around Simmons we realised there was no point getting attached. and he was in some of the worst scenes of last season just because of the context. which is a shame. also he's a lucifer fan and that's not really a worthwhile position. anyway hope springs eternal that colonel sanders is such a charismatic character he makes the demon scenes worth watching... and Drexel gets to be interesting. And stop saying lines like 'make hell great again' which is so not a good thing to put in his mouth - at least the other demons who were going around saying it it was the white demon who said it and got the stink eye from the other demon.

One of the other demons says "can you even hear yourself" but idk if BL would crit their own writing unlike competent writers whose first port of call is stressing that they are bad writers and mock their corny dialogue

this also raises the semi perpetual question since season 11 that if Crowley's throne room is here why would any of the pretenders to the throne even want it. they seriously need to justify it. We know devil's gates are a pain and not usually open so smuggling minions out to work topside is an issue but there are other workarounds than establishing a campy hell set that's not even in hell, then getting confused about if it's hell or not, and never really explaining why Lucifer would stick around in it except for the fact Crowley is really good at setting up a system and it would be a shame not to use the pre-established set up.

but eh

I really sincerely hope Asmodeus is just here because Crowley's ex-minions are here and will relocate post-haste to his plantation.

He hung up his coat. Drexel survived though. I guess being a named character has its perks. the sun shone in my eyes the entire time so i was quite amused when the train turned a bit and i saw demons dropping with burned out eyes, angel-style. like Dagon being super duper powerful, I guess they're giving him extra powers - because this is just a few steps up from how Sam was exploding demons with his head at one point and he got his powers from a YED... though in 5x10 when Lucifer killed all those demons he also didn't burn the eyes out. it's probs a stylistic choice. in character and out.

Nougat!!! he's so cute. he's sleeping at an angle to be behind Sam in the convo. The camera points at Sam from the dash and at Dean from Sam's POV, and Jack is in his background. methinks this is about Sam.

He's trying to make Dean sleep and calling out how he hasn't had any, which is nice because I was worried about that earlier.

Dean is calling Jack "it" which I think was in some people's pre-season fic, or else if it weren't it was in the one i didn't write :P Blatant convo is blatant but does at least have an actual honest to god lead into the next scene via the mom is dead conversation. Again we get the super zoom close up on sam being sad and questioning dean's thoughts. assert yourself, sammy! i believe in u

(totally on your side too Dean but the sun is too bright to examine your micro expressions and the camera isn't favouring you anywho so you're a rewatch flavour today)

Satan wants to trade Mary for Jack. Well if Dean knew he'd sell Jack for a corn chip anyway (is that Crowley's phrase from the original weird dog episode?) so that's just a great big victory. methinks the choice will fall on Sam or fall on Dean after he's had a chance to bond with Jack some more - that's the other side to the tension about Dean liking jack that i was talking about earlier whensomeone asked me why everyone wants dean to adopt jack.

ideally mary saves herself or it never comes to it but for now i'll assume whatever else happens between here and there, some version of this plan will at least be floated, even if it's random circumstances and not lucifer's hand any more or something

makes sense anyway to tie mary back into the main arc in a way like how she mirrored cas the entire time last season - if her fate and jack's are connected even tenuously it gives her a connect back into the main thing

oh good the woman next to me has finished her dangerously over-full cup of Pimms because I was terrified it would be bye bye laptop

nnnoooo as I type she refilled it

the train is swaying back and forth so much

anyway Mary asks Lucifer why he wants to be a parent and he hints several times in a row that he has hidden depths without actually showing any of them. i don't want him to have a redemption anyway and i really super duper don't want him to have one written entirely by BL

Colonel Sanders continues to try and liven up the story while giving us surface level exposition

I'll be honest, 'write that down' is the first good line... must be whichever of BL is quippy currently writing. I think they just introduced a monster taht lucifer is scared of but I couldn't catch what it was and for some reason another demon is listening in so is he getting ideas? I mean why to what end? also what exactly was the thing that was locked up because it sounded like a cut price Leviathan expo dump but obvs not that because a leviathan would eat Lucifer

i mean i don't think we pay enough attention to the fact that dick roman would just gobble lucifer up and end of story. bring back dick.

*Pimms lady sways dangerously close to my laptop*

I think Sam accused Dean of hallucinating "shit" on the road because it's too noisy to hear him say "sheep". I just assume that is what he actually said in the non-censored version

pls drink your Pimms fast enough to end this danger but not so fast you're sloshed and throw it on my laptop before it's all gone

Cashing in on that new Scooby Doo partnership! Some bank like Halifax is currently using Scooby Doo to sell stuff so I see that dog on telly all the time and the fact they exist in the same fictional universe as Sam and Dean is kiiiilling me. I think we have all been assuming Jack takes us to Scooby World so plonking him in front of the telly to watch some is how it all begins. Dean, like every fan fic between 13x01 and now hates Jack unreservedly for having childlike enthusiasm about the telly because Cas used to do that, while (semi)unaware that Jack is mirroring HIMSELF from 12x11 most closely right now. I think that's an interesting parallel I don't know how much work has gone into but pls poke me to write about Jack's 1 day old child-like wonder compared to sweetie pie no memory Dean if no one else has done it because they're essentially the same character from completely different angles, and we're about to hit Jack mirroring Dean excessively.

Me: don't excessively sexualise the kid

BL: "here read a book" *chucks the Bible at him* *he opens it to the Song of Solomon* We're NOT having this chat right now.

I suppose some people just meta-gasmed all over this. I don't know much about the Bible but I do know that's the sexy bit.

the "I can take the couch" conversation probably put the exact same thought process in Jack's head as mine when my very lanky brother looked at the lil brick hard bed set up in the corner of our hotel while we were stranded in Glasgow, and looked at me, princess and the pea-syndrome sufferer, and nobly offered to take a bed that *my* feet stuck 3 inches over.

No.

Thanks but no.

aw man we're only at Carlisle.

It's the promo scene as well, which mostly just drove home how much Jack is mirroring Dean... We've had basically no character interaction in the missing day, although we can assume it's mostly gone like this... Dean annoyed, Sam forgiving Jack for being adorable, and Jack being adorable. He's getting better at sarcasm as well, which can't be making Dean feel any better about him.

And that means that the "Castiel is my father" revelation happened off-screen and we're not being given any room for a reaction about it, which is the most annoying part of this. I knew 13x01 was an anomaly and going into a BL ep so soon after would deprive us of some of the emotional depth, but it's like having a bucket of cold water dumped on us :P

I think Dean's 'sometimes' about family being good is going to be a criminally underrated line and I don't even know if I can bring myself to remember it all the time in discussions about how Dean feels about family going forwards but this is a note that i heard him say it and acknowledged it means he has some issues with blood family ongoing.

Jack being adorably human blah blah, Dean aggravates the issue by being really mean about insisting Lucifer is his father and asking if he reached out to Jack and now Jack's remembering him doing that. Hey leave the kid alone, Dean, his blank slate was slightly messed up by waning to be like Cas which is obviously an excellent exemption to having a blank slate.

Maybe there's a metaphor in him agitating the bad father sitation over here.

I don't know if Jack should have asked for clarification there so let's pretend there was a hesitation and a "Ca -" "*Lucifer.* Your father." exchange. Or something.

And now Nougat is lying about emotional strife, like's been agitated into being a Winchester from his great blank slate

GAH Stop gesturing by the STILL FULL glass of Pimms

they keep topping it up and it's not good for my stress levels

I think I just missed basically everything that happened because all I could see was my own reflection but then they were like *rising tension music* *scuffle* *donatello* so I assume he jumped out on them. Mental note to go back and see who was defensive of Jack and what he did.

*casually mopping up my neighbour's Pimms as it splashes dangerously close to my laptop while listening to Donatello's exposition*

the good thing about BL episodes is that you can often just kinda chill and listen to the exposition if it's just a chunk o dialogue and nothing offensive is going on so we're making progress through the ep

*dean is super bitter about who does and doesn't have a direct line to god for some reason*

Awww Sam says they're brothers and it's a family crest when he is saying Jack should get the tattoo <3

*completely* robbed of Dean's reaction

WHY DID THEY NOT TELL JACK IT WOULD HURT

I went to the loo and came back to them wiping Pimms off their phone

Well Jack just completely put Dean in his place RE: pain, when he told him to man up about it and Jack was like right we accept pain as a sign of maturity... this is absolutely not what Dean meant but it is probably a healthier approach to it minus all the toxic masculinity

can we get to 13x03 and an ep written by Berens soon :P

Jack accidentally absorbs his warding. Oops. I guess that angel warding was a WEE bit OTT I mean I'm no expert but that looks like a total pain to be dealing with all the time for the makeup department :P

Also must have taken friggin ages

I still don't get why Donnatello is here except to use as a chip in their arguments... Ah well. Dean arguing intent doesn't matter freaky powers are freaky powers because he's still pissed about what happened to Cas and can't see the much more basic thing that Jack didn't mean to get Cas killed and OBVIOUSLY didn't intend it if he was waiting for Cas to be there for him when he popped out of the womb. I think for all the random avenues this took in fandom this is probably about as deep as the show will go if this is how BL are spelling it all out for us... And the answer is all there on the page already but we're just using Dean as the alternate side of the argument to show his own character stuff going on where he can't deal with Jack because he's upset about Cas. And he was always more concerned about Cas than the philosophy of whatever else was going on

Train going through the Lake District... I am enchanted. It's a grey day w/ very low clouds and water on the ground and all the trees are autumnal. Sue me, this is more interesting than Donatello being unhelpful. He backed up Sam's argument earlier w/ saying Lucifer felt toxic and Jack is somewhat more like his grandfather, but then once he starts talking he's like hurr blurr as a scientist nature wins and he's a monster and then Sam's like I thought you were on my side dude and then Dean angsts about Cas some more and calls Jack the devil and he decides he better start teleporting now because leave me alone not-dad and get off my case

I hope we see his wings. Dean asks in 13x01 if he had wings and equated it to teleporting and I suppose we don't know how demons do it but the assumption is if he's half-angel adn can teleport then he has wings

Oh no it is KILLING me how Jack's thing is sitting cross legged. PROTECT HIM.

Sam finds him, thankfully, after the Sad Kelly Montage. There's a very Northern man behind me talking loudly on the phone so I'm gonna concentrate SUPER HARD now

The hotel is called the Black Hat which I think is western coding for the bad guy. There was a house in the prairie art on the wall, and the single isolated house is how Jack came into the world... He's dealing with towns now.

Exposition Mooose! Telling us Dean gets some wires crossed about getting angry whe nhe's frustrated and scared like yes good expose dean for us some more... explaining him to jack is like hey so um he's an acquired taste... trying to make this about protecting everyone instead of pointing out the obvious that he blames jack for what happened to cas

Jack is a winchester because he's like maybe i'm not worth it

help

and them Sam brings up w/o knowing it was on jack's mind that kelly thought so but also is a blatant link to how they used dead!mary to guide their lives right up until she came back...

... and then so would Cas and so would I. Sam aligning himself with Jack's parents to show he has emotional guardianship of him right now

has dean gone down to the bar because it's called th eblack spur and obvs not the same one but i'm like 100% sure that's the bar from 10x01 where he was hanging with Crowley and I'm not gonna fact check that. it's "black" again aka more nature stuff, more coded evil stuff I guess? I don't know anything about Westerns I admit

And hey look a blonde bartender is chatting to him - there's a Jack ale sign on one side... and hahahahahaaaa no there's a Kingdom Beer sign behind Dean over his shoulder because the director wants to kill me

So far this is the weirdest BL episode Ive seen in a long time because they're trying so so hard to be all nuanced and deep and to explore character stuff and carry on the mood from the first episode, while being direly under-equipped to handle it, so everyone's just blurting exposition all over the place in a series of awkward exchanges. The overtness of the dialogue is actually helping in a weird way to rush through the tick boxes because Dean just admitted to seeking his neglectful father's approval from a standing start which is a sign of progress for him to just leap right into admitting his issues with John. I don't have a frame of reference for this because tired and white noise and noting we're pulling into Lancaster and it looks like rain now and there's a guy travelling with an enormous silver mirror with an ornate frame as tall as he is on the other platform and more pimms is on the table... but yeah when DID he last talk about John? Is this the increased openness since 12x22 we were hoping for? Is my backpack okay because it's in a luggage rack I can't see and if someone nicks it they're only stealing all my laundry but I like some of those t-shirts so it would be a bummer...

Lol surprise Asmodeus, no wonder she pushed all the father stuff... Was he talking about Lucifer then? It's everyone has father issues season. He's fitting in as another mirror in it all. Like the great big shiny mirror the dude at Lancaster station had. I'd honestly not be surprised if John came back in some way just cuz we had the Mary season where motherhood was a theme, and now we're doing this. I don't think John would come back for good liek Mary but they could scrounge up a more direct way of confronting his memory at least.

This also is so unsubtle bcos Dean had no idea what the bartender looked like so he coulda just tended the bar and chatted to Dean b4 he knew who Asmodues was, and we could have had some cool tension like we all know that Colonel Sanders is the bad guy and Dean's just chatting him up a bit. But then when do we ever get such things in a BL ep?

Sam just goes and spells it out about Jack being molded and the ambiguity of his father figures aka the dual nature battle they think Jack should have, with a deciding vote already thrown in there by Kelly and of course that Jack has free will and choice

So Mary just nearly got assaulted, tho not by Lucifer, which was not exactly a pleasant surprise. >.> idk what that guy's problem was but he seems to be implying women can't fight and something something I didn't catch but clearly he doesn't see a whole bunch of women. This is literally the antithesis of the show's handling of female hunters since the start so I'm going to have to assume that this is an AU thing like, total worst timeline, and everyone's sexist to boot. Not really a fan of doing this at all because why are humans made out to be just as bad as meeting angels and demons in this world - Mary being at risk from ALL of them (where is BOBBY I wanna see wtf was going on between him and AU mary and our mary and our bobby) - and it being disappointing that Mary's at risk BECAUSE she's female and might get assaulted.

Lucifer continues to try and act like a good guy by saving Mary and then of course the Nice Guy twist that always comes - if you won't give me what I want that I'm pretending is mutually beneficial then I will just hurt you.

They're chilling by that church from 8x23 now so I guess Mikey will be along soon.

Preston Station looks like a hellscape as well - it's packed and there's no ticket barriers. I'm so glad we were only passing through

Dean comes in and sits down with Sam with the shadows of the blinds falling over them - prison imagery I missed you! We're trapped in these mindsets...

Sam wants to get them on the same page and Dean is like F U and Sam's like lemme do exposition while you sit with the shadow over your eyes.

I wish there was a shadow falling over my eyes... We've passed back through to hazy sunlight south of Preston.

Sam says people who we love, and who have been in our lives for a long time, in such a way I bet some asshole is excluding Cas from one category bcos Mary doesn't count in the long time category so maybe one is for her and one is for Cas

obviously that's the real donatello because he only cares about breakfast and is an object of ridicule while Asmodeus was presumably the other and actually talking plot.

this is an idiot ball moment tbh because Jack hasn't been in any hotel scenes for a while and somehow we've shuffled through all the characters here and not had any of them with Jack or checking where he is despite him being the most precious cargo, and it was bugging me earlier that dontatello and sam talking meant jack was alone because he wouldn't be w/ dean so where was he but Sam didn't ask? they just chatted? And obvs that was asmodeus but yeah... no one's keeping an eye on him and D. wasn't even supposed to be taking Jack to get breakfast or what? If that wasn't him then what exactly did Sam think Jack was up to?

Also Sam tanking the mytharc Dean tanking the personal arc - he talks to both of them w/o them knowing and guess what each's conversation is

And also Dean came in with food as well like there's major miscommunication going on here if the real donatello was getting breakfst and so was Dean but is that the point or is that just a plothole where this doesn't add up properly if you actually try and map who knew what and - was Dean the one SUPPOSED to be watching Jack? But Sam didn't ask him either.

Anyway here's the demon that Dean's entire fight scene is about straddling to death.

I also loved his march down to the room where he was all in shadows

The last shot of that fight though where Dean's cowering away from the demon on a bed while it advances on him with a knife

like wow that was a good fight scene for the dynamics going on there. Dean as a victim being absolutely dominated by that demon and all the associated knife and weirdass positions imagery. Dean on that table with his legs around the demon is like an entire meta on its own as well

okay it was too bright when I saw the scene where Asmodeus was talking about that whatever it was he let out but I THINK that was the same demon I thought I saw overhearing it and now I am wondering what on earth that was about because Dean just killed him :P

Awww Jack out in nature. I love the flowers and the buzz of insects and life all around him. And Asmodeus is testing him.

Okay it's been like one episode how can he have character inconsistency with himself from earlier in the episode - he now wants to unleash the things he got in trouble for unleashing before? I mean unless he's decided that Lucifer really isn't coming back so might as well just throw a party while there's no adult supervision, and get back to all that chaos and destruction he loves. If he thought there was remotely a chance Lucifer would come back he wouldn't do it, but then is he just doing it now out of spite that Lucifer told him no before, and instead of whatever nonsense he said about family dynamics back then is not really true at all because he wants to rebel now instead.

If Jack unleashes the thing because he was tricked then it will be the biggest Sam and Cas mirror thing ever and will set him up with some angst and guilt for the rest of the season.

One of the downsides of Dean not getting along with him is that Jack doesn't know how much scepticism about God is a healthy amount in this universe. He basically just knows that God is his grandfather and family is usually good. But God is suuuch a bad concept to rally behind here, it's not even like God wouldn't ask him to do it because God never tells anyone what to do about anything (which is like the first thing Dean would have told Jack if he hadn't still been sulking God wouldn't lift a finger to help him over the whole dead Cas issue), God would also just never have any positive reinforcement for anyone or get excited about having a grandson, at least in a way to get actively involved :P

I mean Chuck probs thought that Donatello making his way to Jack was about as useful as he could be and that immediately went sour when no one kept 2 pairs of eyes on each other at all times.

Wyoming has some pretty nasty stuff under it :P

I wonder if Hell maps exactly to earth but just kinda deeper.

Also point to me for rambling about hell gates earlier and then Asmodeus actually listening to my suggestion box for once. Maybe he will be the one character who can actually hear me in this show.

Hey you, you're an asshole

Is Lucifer aware he literally just lead them in a circle because I am so not telling him that, because it's too funny.

I hope Jack didn't inherit his sense of direction but this is Dabb era, as soon as that kid gets a car, trouble starts.

The midlands are so bleak.

These angels are wearing heavy tactical gear and yet more kneepads. The human had them too. This is just kneepad world. I don't see the necklaces of baby ears so maybe that design thing got ditched or maybe Bobby was being metaphorical. The important thing is they don't look like Cas. The weird thing is we know Mikey's costume sort of does look like a ragged Cas.

Anyway Lucifer is so offended to hear Michael killed him even though it was literally the most obvious thing ever the entire time we've known about them and since 12x12 we've had extra info to prove it :P

Omg why are you opening champagne on a traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain

MIKEY

He wanders in like hey I'm awesome but also I need to immediately open with super obvious exposition lines

Lucifer accuses him of being dressed like he came from a western too which goes with the thematics back in the Earth part of the story and also makes me think maybe the costuming choice was supposed to kinda mirror Frontierland Dean's 2nd costume because why the fuck not this is Dabb era, rules are for suckers :P

I can't see it w/o the hat but maybe he has a hat elsewhere.

this hole down into the centre of the earth looks REMARKABLY like the one the 2nd season of Shadowhunters had in the season finale, so I need Magnus to just wander over the rise and close it now. Also his eyes glow gold and cat like. Is his power literally equivalent to Jack's? He's like ridiculously OP in that show. I guess all that hiatus watching was research.

Ah, Asmodeus has learned the "Oh shit it's the Winchesters" moment already, especially recognising the car. Them driving right onto the scene has the oddest shades of 5x22 without anything being remotely like it except it's a field, hole in the earth, and car.

Okay why did Donatello yell "that's not Donatello"

this is like the reverse of the best version of this scene I've ever heard which is the one from the end of Here Be Gerblins in the Adventure Zone which I will not spoil for you except to say this is the worst and also it doesn't take too much listening to get to that point and I nearly cried laughing so you should probably go listen. More hiatus watching research!

The other option is D is having a total crisis of self w/o a soul or the evil D is actually the real thing and Asmodeus is helping them for some reason.

LOL he's like hi I'm Crowley's replacement so the line now is "howdy boys" intead of hello boys

As soon as Jack knows what's up and sees his new peeps getting hurt he stops because he is precious and he did nothing wrong and I love him

AWW HE THINKS THEY'RE HIS FRIENDS I LOVE YOU NOUGAT

Deal with that, Dean.

Mary like "... should I be shuffling backwards?" "I SHOULD BE SHUFFLING BACKWARDS, BYE"

Lucifer said he needed Mary, Mikey says he needs Lucifer... I think that phrase is being turned over and ruined now. The necessary step of Dean having said it to Cas that one time when he shoulda said I love you... They had a brief critique of "need and want" and some stuff about i and we, which was what last season was doing, but Cas feels bad bcos he feels needed but not wanted, and this is as much as Dean has said to him - from the depths of his heart - but it's not enough because that was season 8 and he hasn't felt like he belongs and he needs that I love you. Uh but w/o using "need" - look, they're gesticulating with champagne again, I have 1 eye on this at best as we roll through the midlands for an eternity :P Anyway I guess it is time to put "need" in the firing line as the Wrong Word that means that you're USING someone.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??? DEAN DOES NOT SIT AT THE TABLE LIKE THAT. OH MY POOR, POOR BROKEN CHILD LET ME HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS

I know it's probably for that wonderful shot of them through the door but Dean fundamentally does not sit up against the wall - he and Sam have their places at that table when they have their chats and it's a serious thing since the entire time theyve been using the kitchen for important plot chats.

Anyway he super not okay bcos that's his seat he sits at when he's in his proper place in the dynamic - or improper one but the point is the dynamic is the dynamic when they sit opposite each other and Dean's opted out and flopped back against the wall instead of sitting where he normally does when he and Sam are in balance. Sam's connection to his seat has some other flavours of his side of the codependency issues but largely about his lack of assertiveness or getting too messed up about saving Dean, so we'll see

AAAH Sam is sitting one seat over as well.

I know it's a free table but there's 8 seats and REMARKABLY little flexibility about it.

Dean's wearing a black henley which is also baaad news. *pats him on the head and follows with a blanket*

Sam stands (or sits) his ground

Dean, gosh, I don't like when the camera follows you because this is probably going to be awful for my heart.

We also have not really had his POV much this ep except the Asmodeus chat up scene

He's mostly reacted. Like he thinks Jack is only reacting.

I DON'T LIKE THIS SCENE

PROTECT JACK FROM HIMSELF TOO

I hope he was just being curious like a super amped up version of how Kira on Orphan Black found out she has super healing powers so sliced her own arm open while being scared and fascinated with what she was and pissed off the adults wouldn't tell her anything but this was gross and violent and pls protect Jack because that was awful.

Dean's suitably horrified though because he has to contemplate Jack is just as freaked out and lost as he is about this whole thing because this is a gross and horrifying way to show that Jack is as fucked up and lost as the rest of them. I don't think he was actually trying to kill himself esp. because he knew the angel blade already stabbed him and did nothing and even if he doesn't know what it is and why that's signficant he knows he didn't die of something that should have killed him... I hope it's just childlike curiosity mixed with bleak existential horror as he comes to understand how much he doesn't understand himself even in the context of the world he's in...

OH NO

but also good lines of dialogue they acted super well. Jack is starting to think he can't be saved if Dean doesn't think it and is silently asking him to do it because he doesn't want to hurt people and oh gosh this isn't 10x09 at all where Deran asked Cas to do it to him... But completely different emotional landscape where Dean WOULD do it and wants to and Jack is only just starting to doubt himself and wonder if he would hurt people and the important thing is not like Dean thinking there was a line he would cross and half-tricking Cas into saying he'd do it by asking him for a favour first, but Cas not being able to oblige him in 10x22... This is Jack being such a good pure piece of nougat that he's SCARED of what he is and what he can do and beginning to think that he might need to be killed esp. because Dean thinks so and this has been a bad day for him... even though again his nature shone through, Dean thinks it was a "sneeze" and Jack still doesn't have a developed enough moral compass to understand what he did except that we can see it was a good thing.

And final shot Jack reflected in the mirror all bloody and sad and I need to zoom in on that later to see his face because like magic the sun is out again when I want to look at the screen.

End episode here. Good. That means Dean angstily listening to music is in 13x03 almost for sure because I want it to be (uh, sorry that's not science :P) but it would be a great Berens to Berens chat with self about 9x14 and Dean angstily listening to music there.

I am not actually where were we are any more except powering towards London, but I'm gonna put my laptop away because they're still topping up the champagne and I just survived a BL episode where nothing so awful happened that I can see the fandom outrage from a million miles away and the worst I can say is that they are an exposition machine and I wish they had more nuanced dialogue because in someone else's hands that character stuff would have been delivered well rather than just delivered :P

#13x02 #my stuff #season 13 spoilers #I actually got some of this answered by Tink & co on whatsapp later #but then I had to explain my #look at this effin table #tag to them and me vs typos while texting and no signal in the bleak wilderness #yeah I hope they even have half a clue what I was on about :D #tomorrow I will have to make a post about wtf is going on with that table but tl:dr I flipped out about it completely #and regret that the last time i was drawn to make a Big Post about it it was from the Destiel perspective #with just a handful of codependency chat #because now I really really wish I had a big post about the codependency stuff there #with just a sprinkle of the Destiel stuff on the side #NOT PROOF READ HOLY SHIT LIKE NOT AT ALL WHO AM I WHERE AM I #I am lucky this entire post isn't soaked in a glaswegian's prosecco

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fly-like-a-grayson · 7 years

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Yellow Sweater (Jared Kleinman x Reader)

A/N: This BARELY fits the request and I’ll rewrite if I need to. I promise.

Request: Hi there! Could you pls write some Jared Kleinman x Reader where the Reader is the quiet but stunning girl who all the guys are after and Jared feels like she’s way super out of his league because “Holy Fuck, I’m just a lowly class clown/hacker and she’s a fucking princess” but as he starts talking to her, he realizes there is smarts as well as deep insecurity underneath her looks & deep convos ensue and they soon start dating? Bonus pts for Jared fist-pumping the air when she says yes. Thanks!

WC: 2,201

Warnings: Language, Sex mention

“Look, Tom, all you have to do is suck it up and use your paladin instead of your bard,” Jared tried to sway the younger boy he was talking to.

Tom sighed, “I don’t know, Jared. There’s a lot at stake, I mean Lein is my pride and joy. I can’t lose her just for some simple raid.”

Jared groaned, “Do you want 3,000 gold coins, or not?”

“Fine, I’ll do it, but you have to buy the pizza,” Tom said leaving to go to his own class.

Jared smiled to himself, “Oh, freshman. So gullible.” He went to sit down in what he thought was the perfect seat in the entire classroom, the desk that was in the middle of the back row. It gave him the perfect cover to sit on his phone if the lesson got boring, the perfect view of the board, and it was right next to you.

After all these months of his sneaking glances at you, he never got sick of it. Every day when you came into class, he felt his heart flutter. You were beautiful and everyone knew it. He guessed that’s why you never told him to stop looking at you because he wasn’t the only one. Jared knew there was something different about you. Not just because you sometimes drew on your arms or would sit and try to touch your tongue to your nose. No, it was because every boy with some high standing position in the teenage social ladder had asked you out, and you never said yes. Jared always assumed this was the goal, you know? Go out with the captain of the football team graduate college with a bachelor’s degree and live a nice suburban life with your two perfect kids. Well apparently for you, it wasn’t.

Today, you had chosen to wear a pair of jeans and a loose mustard yellow sweater. Jared had seen that sweater many times. He enjoyed it, it looked soft. All he wanted to do was touch it, but he knew he couldn’t. You could deal with him staring but he knew you wouldn’t be okay with someone just touching you.

As the class went by, he didn’t pay one bit of attention to whatever the teacher was saying. He was too busy with imagining different conversations you two could be having but never did. And that’s how that class went every day. Jared would stare at you, wish to talk to you, not talk to you, and repeat. He was sure you weren’t into him, or even wanted to be friends with him. After all this time with being in the same class as him, you would’ve talked to him right? Well, he hadn’t done that to you, so maybe you did want to know him. He’ll never know unless he tried.

The day in class, Jared decided to be suave and ask you if you had a pencil. You pointed out to him that he had one sitting on his desk. He started to get flustered and panicked, throwing the pencil to the other side of the room and saying that he didn’t have one. You laughed and handed him one of your mechanical ones, instead of one of your pastel wooden pencils. He froze with the pencil in his hand. He was taken back at your laugh. Sure he had heard your small giggles when someone said something stupid in the class, but your laugh that was a completely different story. It was… it was… it was beautiful. That’s the only way Jared could describe it. The rest of the day, he was very giddy and his friends noticed it.

“Why are you so happy?”, Tom asked Jared at lunch.

“You’ll never believe it,” Jared said with a cocky smile.

Tom scoffed, “Try me.”

“I made Y/N Y/L/N laugh today.”

Tom looked at Jared in disbelief, “No fuckin’ way.”

Jared leaned back in his chair, “Yeah, a full on genuine laugh.”

“Well, how did you do it?”

“A magician never reveals his secrets,” he said with a wink.

A girl walking by said, “He threw his pencil across the room.”

“Can it, Brenda!”

Over the next few days, Jared brought up the confidence to talk to you more and more. He asked you about how your day was if you understood what the teacher was talking about, and what stuff you liked. He really felt like you enjoyed his company at school, maybe he should try for outside of school. In class, he asked you if you wanted to see the Emoji Movie with him that weekend. You cringed but said yes, but quickly asked if it was as friends or if he intended it to be a date. He thought it over, he went with friends. He wasn’t prepared for it to be a date.

He picked you up from your house that Saturday and you saw that god awful movie. Jared was freaking out the entire time, but not because he was watching this ridiculous movie. No, because him one of the biggest losers who usually spent his Saturdays playing D&D was sitting next to the most gorgeous girl in school. No biggie. After the movie, he dropped off at your house and he got your number. He was probably the happiest he ever felt since he got the Nintendo Switch.

“Dude, Jared! Someone said you were at Y/N’s house this weekend,” Tom said with a teasing smile.

Jared brushed it off like it was nothing, but it was everything to him, “Yeah, I was just dropping her off.”

Tom lowered his voice, “So, did you like, do it?”

Jared looked at him confused, “Do what?”

“You know? Did you screw her?”, Tom asked with a roll of his eyes.

Jared looked at him like he was crazy, “What? No, you fucktard. We’re just friends, plain and simple.”

“There’s no need to be modest. If you had sex with her, you can tell me.”

“Well, I didn’t! So just shut up about it okay? ” he harshly said. He left Tom at the doorway to his class that he had with you.

You noticed the anger written all over his face immediately, “Jared, you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. My friend is just being a dipshit,” he said, instantly feeling better from being around you.

You smiled, “Well, I hope they stop.”

He smiled back, “Thanks.”

The rest of the day went by as normal, and it seemed like Tom kept his mouth shut. Well, it did until Jared was getting an unusual amount of attention from the surrounding people in the halls. He had really hoped what he thought happened, didn’t. His assumptions were proven true when a basketball player high fived him and asked if it was hard to get you in bed. Jared’s face turned the color of Mario’s hat, in anger and embarrassment. He ran to class to try and see if this had come to your attention yet. You saw him enter the room and didn’t look pissed, so either you hadn’t been told or you were very good at hiding your anger.

He walked up to you and could feel people’s eyes following him. He nervously smiled, “Hey Y/N.”

“Hey Jar,” you said with a bright smile. Dammit, this was going to make telling you this harder than it already was.

He coughed awkwardly, “I have something to tell you.”

You eyed him curiously, “Yeah?”

He looked around the room and saw that almost the entire class was watching you two. He couldn’t say that right now, not with everyone looking at him like that. “Um, I uh, I had a great time this weekend,” he said nervously.

You smiled in relief, thinking it was going to be something serious, “Me too! We should definitely do it again!” He cringed at the snickers from around the room. He then sat down and tried to ignore the sick feeling in his stomach.

He thought he was in the clear until lunchtime came around, and you literally dragged him into an empty hallway. He could tell that there were tears forming in your eyes and your broken voice made his heart shatter.

You looked at him with a mix of anger and sadness, “Why did you tell people we slept together?”

“I didn’t, I swear,” he tried to defend.

“Bullshit you didn’t do you know what people are saying about me?”, you said through gritted teeth.

“Well, why are you so against it being me?”, he said, ignoring your question.

You felt some of your tears start to fall and progress with every word you said, “Jared, I don’t care that it’s you. What I care about is the fact that people have been calling me a slut and saying that I’m an easy lay because I apparently had sex with you and barely know you. The thing that really pisses me off is that people are congratulating you, but harassing me! I thought you were different than all those other boys who just tried to get into my pants. I thought you actually wanted to be my friend.”

“No, Tom asked but I said no, I swear I did!”, Jared yelled, wanting to stop the tears that were falling from your eyes.

You wiped the tears on the sleeve of your sweater, “Just, please don’t talk to me. Even if what you’re saying is the truth. I just can’t handle the teasing and if we never spoke again it would stop. If you cared, you would do that for me.” And then you left him alone in that hallway.

Jared didn’t see you anymore that day, he hadn’t expected to. But anytime he saw someone who shared even the slightest bit of resemblance to you, he felt his heart jolt. He even saw someone wearing the same mustard yellow sweater as you, and felt angry that they were. He didn’t know why he was angry at them, he just thought that it was only reserved for you.

The next day in class, you weren’t at your usual seat. You were sitting at the edge of the first row and Jared was tempted to sit next to you, but he remembered what you said. He did care about you, so he sat in his usual spot, but he wasn’t sure he liked it that much anymore.

Jared felt like this hole was ripped out of his heart and he would never be able to fix it. The attention from the lie died down until he was back to being his usual friendless self. He didn’t even have Tom, the gullible freshman, to boss around. He hadn’t talked to him since the day he fucked everything up. As the time went by, Jared started to miss just being around you more and more. So he sucked up his doubt and headed to your house. He remembered exactly where it was from that one time of dropping you off.

When he got there, you answered the door, wearing that same yellow sweater. His heart pounded loudly as he made eye contact with you. He let out a meek hello.

“What are you doing here?”, you asked him.

He flinched at the harsh tone in your voice, “I wanted to apologize.”

“You already have, please leave me alone,” you said to him.

He looked down at his feet, “I can’t”

You sighed, “Why not?”

It’s now or never, he thought to himself. “I can’t because I love you,” he said trying to look at your face for some kind of hint as to what you were feeling.

You face visibly softened, “Jared, you can’t love me. You don’t even know me.”

“Then let me,” he pleaded.

You shook your head, “But what happened I don’t know if I-”

He interrupted you, “I know I’m not the strongest guy in the world, but if anyone says anything rude or even breaths at you in the wrong way I’ll beat the shit out of them. I want to get to know you, not just sleep with you. We had a nice time at the movies, let’s try that again, please. I’m begging you.”

You sighed before thinking it over for an agonizing minute, “You have one date. Pick me up on Friday at 6 and we get to do what I want to do.”

“Yes! Yes, I’ll do that,” he said, his mood lightening up.

You smiled, “Okay, well I have to go because I was actually in the middle of cooking, but I’ll see you Friday.”

“Yeah, Friday!”, He waved you goodbye and walked to his car. When he did he pumped his fist in the air like from in the Breakfast Club and yelled out a loud hazaa! He couldn’t be happier

#jared kleinman #jared kleinman imagine #jared kleinman x reader #jared kleinman headcanons #dear evan hansen #dear evan hansen imagine #dear evan hansen x reader #dear evan hansen headcanons #dear evan hansen hc #deh hcs #deh x reader #deh headcanons #deh imagine #deh #will roland #will roland imagine #will roland x reader

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kazzabear · 7 years

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Y’all, it’s about to get wild.

I gotta tell you about this local band called Early Eyes from Minneapolis.

First of all, check out their music bc they’ve got some sick beats. Good jams. Super fuckin’ hipster. Support local bands y’all.

Second: There’s this one member who just quit the band to do his own solo music. For some people, that seems to have come straight outta left field. But this story is about to get wild as fuck.

So I go to school with these peeps and they’re pretty alright dudes. We lived in the same dorm and usually sat in the same area in the cafe. Well Henry here has rarely been seen w the band this last semester and he’s kinda been doin’ his thing while they do theirs. Which is shady af. But whatever. Then, shit gets wild.

I was sitting at dinner once bc I eat super late and they don’t usually eat as late as I was that day. Henry was sitting there, but I sat a table away listening to my music while he chats on the phone with probably his fam. My music stops playing bc Apple is shit and I was going to figure it out but theeeennnnn I hear Henry. And this bitch is throwin’ hella shade at basically everyone. He’s saying things that they don’t even know yet and I’m like, dude I am getting the TEA. So I eavesdrop like anyone in that situation would do.

First thing he talks about is the rest of the band. And he is SHITTING ON THEM hardcore (also briefly shits on his girlfriend and I wanted to actually message his girlfriend that he’s a piece of shit). And whoever is on the other line is like, dude is this okay. And he’s like, yeah it’s fine no one is here. And I’m like, mmhhmmm kay fam. Not here (mind you this guy follows me and has chatted with me before on social so like, he should recognize me [this becomes important]). And then he’s like, yeah so I’m going to leave the band by the end of summer and do my own thing. And I’m like, interesting. And then he’s like, they don’t know that yet but seriously I’m the glue holding this band together. Without me they’ll be nothing. And I’m like, innntERESTING.

It’s so innnterestinnngggg bc no one actually knows Henry. If you think of Early Eyes, you DO NOT think Henry. First of all, Henry isn’t actually that good as a musician. Idk who is gonna tell him that, but it’s the truth. I’ve been to a few shows, enough to know it’s not “just an off day.” If you think of the band you think of Jake or Des. And maybe Wyatt. I talked to someone who dated Wyatt for a time and they didn’t even know who Henry was. Literally forgot that the band actually has this member. And she was dating the drummer.

Anyway, so then he’s like. Yeah this is just temporary and we’re building up a fanbase and then I’m gonna take off. I’ve been reaching out and doing some social media stuff to get on that and I think I can maintain this fanbase for myself.

Now this bitch just followed me on insta and NOW I see that he is being fake af and looking out for his own interests. Cool shit. Little bit offended. But okay. And he’s not wrong in terms of building up a fanbase. Early Eyes just got put on Spotify at this point, and they’re being backed by a local radio station (The Current) as well as our student station (Radio K). They’ve been doing pretty regular shows at 7th Street Entry of First Ave and doin’ pretty well locally (outside the TC area no one knows them bc they refuse to do shows outside of the TC area bc it’s not convenient. I offered to help them get booked in ‘sconnie for some shows and they said no. Sooooo idk how that’s gonna work out for them but not the point). Henry? There’s no way he’s going to maintain this fanbase. No way. There just isn’t bc he doesn’t have the same presence. He also CAN’T PERFORM FOR SHIT. He can’t stay on beat, his voice is too quiet for the mic, and he doesn’t really chat fans up between songs. He also can’t proper tune his guitar between songs. So he’s not doin’ well there. And in this convo he’s like, “yeah I don’t need to rehearse or practice at all because I’ve got this down and if they don’t think they do then whatever that’s on them.” Sure kid.

But anyway, this convo was before one of their biggest performances at Spring Jam Battle of the Bands (didn’t get to Spring Jam itself bc Vessel fit more with the line up and was also good as hell, listen to him too). So Spring Jam comes around and I go with one of my friends who I told about this conversation. We listen to their set. I think this is the first performance since Henry actively started being like, hey I’m leaving. And he’s trying to compete on stage to gain attention from fans. After the end of a song, Henry tries to compete with Des a few times on guitar (like a play guitar battle thing) and actively makes a fool of himself bc he can’t keep a beat or stay on tune w the song. After the first failure, when he does it three more times, Des is like, What The Fuck dude. It’s written all over his face. But Henry is being really competitive and oblivious of this trainwreck for this whole, please attention on me thing. And it is really not working in his favor, but hey he’s getting attention.

Well last week he friended me on facebook and I was like, I see through this. I know this is lies. But I add him anyway bc why not. And today he post his “I’m leaving the band, going solo, like my page and here’s my website” thing. And he already drops an album. I was like, interesting. So the band must have posted something too. NOPE. The band literally just cropped him out. Like his arm is still in the photos. And I’m deaddddd bc the shade is soooo real.

THIS IS SO WILD. THE DRAMA. IM DEAD.

#local bands #early eyes #henry patterson #minneapolis #the current #hipster #minnesota #local #bands #i feel like the others don't need their own tag #sorry this is so long #but honestly #its the funniest thing to me #shade #alternative #indie #music

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roses-and-oceans · 7 years

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So I'm kinda debating writing this out but I decided to anyway. On and off, I've been writing posts about how I'm feeling and then deleting them. Its become sorta cathartic but I just don't seem to do it that often anymore i keep things inside. I wish I can put things under cuts on mobile because gosh darn it I don't want you all to go through a wall of text and it not be a fic. I mean I know every one's going to ignore this and no one cares but hey, I'll give it a go before I fall asleep. Hopefully I feel better after writing this. EDIT:I feel miles better! Honestly I would have never gotten this off my chest if I did not write this. I feel... Undeserving. Undeserving of many things and people. It was an apparent issue, I realized, when I wanted to write fics. I thought I was selfish of me to indulge in something so pleasurable. Just reading fics made me happy but if I also wrote things, then I'd just muck it up and be hunted down like, "hOE DARE YOU. YOU ARE SO SELFISH.WHY" And its not that fic writing is a bad thing!! Its just I'm not allowed. Like everyone can have fun except me because I'm not worth it, I'm not allowed. Why? Goodness knows. I still feel like that sometimes. Like no one will read it, but then there'll be this witch hunt for me, asking for my severed head on a stick. And that's the case for most things. I try to make myself small, quiet. For the sake of not disturbing others, not getting in the way, not ruining things. So that way I don't have anyone hate me. And I guess that's why I'm the way I am. I don't want to be hated. I don't want to be disliked. I mean this modern age its not possible LOL but still I try my best. I make myself moldable and flexible for the sake of others. I try not to breathe around them as much so as to not disturb them. Also another reason why I am the way I am is because I was actually hated when I was younger. I know, "get over it" lmao, and in some cases I am. But being hated by so many people, kids and adults alike... And no one did anything to stop, to see me, to wonder why. Ehh. C'est la vie. I guess the "lessons" forced upon me had stayed. I was taught that I ruin everything, that I was useless, stupid, fat and ugly. And honestly back then I just shrugged and continued reading my books. But I guess I didn't block everything out haha! And so I've always thought I was insignificant. That I was merely here. I've never actually thought about my future, so Ive never gone to college, not really sure what to do career-wise. A lot of friends in high school were like, "yeah everyone had to do this thing for college we went to councilors and and now we're all set! :)" and I was like WAIT WHAT LOL WAS I ABSENT THAT DAY WAS I NOT PAYING ATTENTION WE HAVE THE SAME CLASSES BRUH But I guess I just thought I wasn't worth the extra effort so I really didn't pursue anything I didn't ask questions. Because I thought I wasn't worth it. Thinking about it, its really stupid. Like hello!!! I'm supposed to go out there and get what I want right?? But then I think why? And no answer comes because I don't see myself succeeding. I graduated high school, and right when I left, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I've never thought I'd live a long life. I just don't see it. Like what am I going to be doing??? Not much probs lol. I see myself as a background character, a stepping stone to another ledge. I don't see myself as particularly special. Kinda don't mind it. Like really I'm just here to enjoy food and music and video games until I can't anymore lol. I guess you can say I don't see myself. Also, another reason why I don't think of myself is because I feel I'll get too greedy. I don't want that I am so terrified. I do not want to be entitled and snobby. I'd rather go without so some one else can have things and it's just... Ahhhhhh. I don't want to be greedy. Its a really big fear of mine. I guess I don't talk to anyone about it is because its just so... Frequent. I already have one person who just is sick and tired of hearing it, bless his soul. He has a saint's patience and lord knows its been tested. But I see it getting shorter and shorter and I just revert to making myself seem better, like hi hello yes I am function ing quite well today. I don't think I'm worth the stress. And its not that im talking his ear off and stuff like I'm not like DROP EVERYTHING AND FOCUS ON ME I NEED U TO MAKE ME FEEL BETER. Because I don't think I am he says I don't talk enough. But its whenever I bring up the topic the convo gets shorter and shorter. He's lthe loveliest person he is amazing. He is such a good person!! Just I drive him mad sometimes lol. Im afraid of being manipulative. I don't want that either. I don't want to harm anyone like that but I'm afraid I am. I don't want people or things to cater to me. I think one of the thing that got to me more recently was my birthday. I know, lmao, bitch it was like two months ago get ooovr ittt. Its just. I'm grateful for the good times in between the bad, but it was the most miserable birthday of my life. Things were so chaotic, so heart wrenchingly sad, that I felt I wasn't going to be able to celebrate. Like I felt I was going to be erased. Friends were there, which was really good! Family... Not so much. I guess it comes with being the oldest. Haha I don't think I even had a cake or anything lmao. Honestly I don't care but I had loads of fun with my friends. But i guess its just the fact with everything going on, I was placed in the way way way back. Haha how selfish of me; things come up!!! And its okay!!! Just my birthdays have always been like that and if even the universe is like "nah is just a regular day" then it kinda just sticks to me that my bday isn't really worth it. I also feel like I'm doing everything wrong. Like even though I'm doing everything right, every single thing written down I'm following it to the T, but I'm still failing, still doing things wrong, still not getting any where while everyone is succeeding. And so I will be labeled as an idiot, stupid, useless and hated for it and banished, like I was so long ago. I feel like after reading this, people will actually hate me lol. Like people are like OMG U ARE SO STUPID WTF and just walk away. Like I'll be alone. And I guess?? If that were to happen?? Idk... I have a list of things to remember. Number one is "be kind too myself". HA. I wrote it so I won't feel like this haha, but oh well. Its not working so much anymore. I feel like I'm creating a sob story, like Boohoo bitch you think too much. Eh. Well its getting late and I should sleep. I'm so sorry if anyone has read this mess. Im not looking for pity or anything. Ijust wanted to get this out without disturbing anyone. Well I guess by posting I'll be disturbing... And I promise: I AM OKAY!!!!!!! SRSLY!!!!! if anything its just hormonal, I've been on my period for a few weeks now haha. But if any friends do stubble across this, I'm okay. Just sad and tired. I just need a nap and I'm good. Writnf this was really helpful and I was able to get what I wanted out and if I were to actually talk to someone,I'd probs stop myself and not talk about everything I just did. I wouldn't have gotten this weight lifted off me. If you stuck around haha thank you if not I hope you all have a lovely day. If I don't have a very good day, I hope yours is infinitely better!

#god please don't hate me #about me #hhhhh #I might delete later #idk maybe when I wake up #good night tumblr #not ffxv #I feel like I'm forgetting something but idk what #ahh I'm afraid to post this

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avengxrp · 8 years

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Writing Wednesday, Episode 1

Writing Wednesday - Unknown Characters: Mun & Muse Edition

SO! You want to RP with a new person / new character, do you? But oh! You don’t know a thing about their character? Never heard of them before? This is your lucky day, folks. Nikeeta and I have paired together to make an all purpose guide to interacting with, plotting and writing with new characters. Welcome to your first Writing Wednesday: Working and Writing with Characters That You and/or Your Character May Not Be Familiar With!

PART ONE: Plotting with a Character You Don’t Know

The scenario: Major & Nikeeta want to write together but Nikeeta has never in her life read about Kate Bishop. This could be an obstacle. How shall we approach this?

Major: I'm telling you Kate and Tony can start the daddy issues/rich kid group Nikeeta: fucking sign me the fuck up Major: Yesssss Major: Derek Bishop is not a great guy Nikeeta: I know nothing, I am ignorant. Major: Well when Kate was a little kid she walked in on her dad beating the shit out of someone in his library. And she found out he was dealing with really rotten people. But I think Tony and Kate will get along much better than he and Pietro. Most people like Kate. Nikeeta: will she drink with his alcoholic arse? that’s one sure fire way he’ll like her. Major: Kate absolutely knows how to get turnt. I mean she's basically a Manhattan socialite. It's almost possible they've crossed paths before. Nikeeta: ooo this could be fun Major: I mean she's got an active petition going with like half the avengers to get her team officially recognized lmao. I think if she knew him she'd hit him up. Nikeeta: now that would be something Major: Sometimes she attends those stuffy parties that rich people go to. Is it plausible for her to try and get at him at one of those benefit gala whatever type deals? Nikeeta: Ooooo now there’s an idea full of fucking love. how old is Kate anywho?Major: 21 Nikeeta: she’s legal, he’s allowed to look, excellent Major: Watch out Tony she's a big flirt Nikeeta: Yessssssss. Two big flirts together <3 So it’s feasible Tony’s heard of her, if never actually met her Major: He's had to have met or heard of her dad at least. Nikeeta: I’m gonna need you to fill me on details for that, for I am still playing comic book catch up Major: There actually isn't a whole lot on Derek haha. Just that he's a businessman. And he's a bad guy who does business with bad people. Nikeeta: what kinda business he in? Major: I don't know if they actually say lmao!! Nikeeta: hmmm we could make something up? something that Tony could know of him, met him. Investment banking? I can see them having convos over that and Tony being like ‘bro you a dodgy motherfucker i am not investing with you’ Major: He's also backing the political campaign of Kelly rn for plot purposes. And yes! Banking works great.

TL;DR Nikeeta, while down to RP with Major is unfamiliar with the YA comics / Hawkeye lore. So she asked Major to fill her in on anything basic that she might need to know about Kate that would help in starting out a thread. This doesn’t have to be super complicated, nor does it have to go TOO in depth. Honestly, all you need is to establish stuff a person might already know before meeting, or stuff they might notice upon that first conversation.

PART TWO: Writing with a Character Your Character Has Not Met Before (Do’s & Don'ts)

DO NOT: Assume that just because you know information your character also knows it. Even if it is something that has been said in the OOC chat - if it’s not actual common knowledge in game play, it’s not your character’s information to have!

i.e. In their first conversation, Tony should not know right off the bat that Kate is Hawkeye, regardless of the fact that Nikeeta has known from the beginning that she is Hawkeye. Likewise, Kate might only know things that are available in newspapers or media briefs about Tony, but she obviously wouldn’t know more personal details; and remember, the media - especially tabloids - make up a lot of shit that just isn’t true. Dropping fake knowledge though would be funny as all hell just saying.

DO: Ask the other player what information might be public knowledge about their character!

i.e. Remember when Nikeeta asked Major about Mr. Bishop’s career? That might be something to ask about! Similarly, Major might ask Nikeeta about how much information Tony might have shared with Clint about himself, and then might ask Meg how much of that information Clint might have shared with her.

DO NOT: Assume what is MCU canon is A+X canon. Some people have chosen to deviate from the movie canon.

i.e. Clint Barton, in A+X, does not have some family in some fucking barn, chilling out waiting for him. (And Pietro is alive, damn it all.)

DO: Take a look at people’s bio pages! Most of our players have nice pages they’ve written. Check them out! Or if you’re feeling a bit lazy, try asking the player.

i.e. “Anything I need to know about canon before we start?” or “Hey, is _______ part of your storyline from the MCU?” tend to work nicely!

DO NOT: Leave your partner to do all the plotting! DO: Throw your ideas out there. Don’t be afraid - the worst the other person can say is that they don’t want to write that particular idea. Google ideas for starters. Find common ground. If all else fails, this is a superhero RP! Surely there’s a fire somewhere that needs putting out or a bank that needs saving!

DO NOT: Wait for people to plot with you! Sure, throwing it out in the chat ‘Hey, who wants to plot with _____’ works, but that doesn’t always get people to respond. DO: Get out there! Hit people up! Everyone is waiting for someone to ask them to RP. Be the one to ask! It’s okay to ask. Most people are super willing to RP.

DO NOT: Be shy about your ideas! Don’t worry about whether or not they’ll be well received. DO: If you have an idea for a thread, or something that you want your character to go through, then say so. Chances are, the other person will be more than willing to indulge and play about.

Pretty much, this just all boils down to: don’t assume, ask. If you want something, ask. Don’t sit about waiting for a thread to just magically drop into your lap go and poke the player. If they don’t reply, well… real life is a bitch. Give it a few and gently nudge them again. If they don’t want to do something - unlikely! - then ask if they had something different in mind.

#writing wednesday #ax modpost

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theleftoverurl · 7 years

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So let’s recap the past couple of days because I haven’t for a while I suppose haha.

Had a marathon convo with Nemoss that went from 9am on Monday to 8am on Tuesday rip and because of that I’m currently operating on 1h sleep but I haven’t really felt very tired yet and I think mostly I’m okay, surprisingly.

So this week is the start of like hell study week jam all the notes into your brain type thing but for some reason I don’t feel particularly stressed about it. I have 112 pages of notes to learn so I’m hoping that the stress kicks in soon. I spent most of Monday morning killing time by playing on my phone and pretending to study. I made a study plan and that’s it.

Then at 1pm I got ready for hospy, grabbed a Turkish melt (yom) and found Kate and friends in Dino. They were going to Coog cos it was pretty hot so I waited for them to get ready and walked with them half the way so I could go to hospy. Time to do my SOCA! I was sort of nervous because I it’s a catchup SOCA to make up for the fact that I fucked up the Effective Communications cap so I felt like I had to make it count but didn’t want to be nervous because I felt that would affect my communication with the patient? I like did a quick recap of the history via Google and then met George my assessor. He was super nice and we went to the cardio ward to do it. The first two patients were busy and I almost had to interview a prisoner (which I was not ready to do lol) but luckily the prisoner was asleep. He was with two policemen and I was made really uncomfortable because as a joke when we asked if we could interview him one of the policemen offered to kick him awake and then when he saw our like shocked faces was like “I was joking” quickly and then like laughed but I felt it was awkward because being mean to a sick patient, prisoner or not is kinda rude? Anyway I had the best luck because I ended up interviewing a patient who was a retired nurse so she like knew what I was trying to ask with the history and could fill in gaps when I forgot to ask about things with useful information and she was super friendly so rapport was good. It was probably the most perfect history I’ve ever done, like structure good and everything and it was definitely what I needed to like boost my confidence about the whole situation and remember why I wanna do med and stuff. George was pretty impressed too so I P+-sed my way through the assessment lol. He did say I should’ve been more like relevant with my questions about presenting complaint though, because she was in for breathlessness and I didn’t pick up that that’s a sign of heart failure so didn’t really ask about related symptoms to heart failure. But overall, it was a good history and I was proud of it.

Then I headed up to Edmund Blackett to attend my actual hospital session. We had this nice girl called Emily running the session and she took us to this patient who had serious scoliosis. It was good to practice the hand exam with my newfound confidence and I feel like I really got a lot out of the whole thing. Hei Wai’s history was a bit stilted but it was actually quite good and just the whole thing was good because it’s renewed my confidence for the OSCEs kind of at a good time I feel.

Then I rushed back to college to borrow a charger off Hamish because mine broke and grab Rid’s textbook before tutoring. Tutoring was pretty fun we were doing polynomial division which is fun to like go through the process. Me and Rid both made a stupid mistake with one of the questions and I got so confused lol but overall it was a really good lesson and I really am feeling the bond between myself and all my kids which is just so hard when I think about dropping them next year.

Then on a whim when I got back I thought I’d study on Floor 7 for some company to see if any of my friends were around. It was windy af but stinking hot and Max was holed away in the stuffy stuffy study room but I joined him for like 30min of studs before STUVAC supper! Because it’s official uni study week, Dino feeds us like supper for Mon-Fri this week and J&D do free coffees and honestly it was so lit. Brownies and fresh fruit (for once) and I ripped my undies by deciding I’d drink a large mocha. I knew the coffee would fuck me up but I was just excited about free coffee and toasties and ham and I was talking to Nemo anyway so figured I wouldn’t be like up and insomniac alone. Kate and Vron were there and we actually chilled at supper for a bit because Kate’s finished for the year so she’s so calm and like chill now – like it’s actually a bit freaky how noticeable the difference is when she doesn’t have a single stress cos uni’s over for her. Vron was saying how she needs to sell her clothes cos she’s so poor and I wanted her like nice conservative clothes for hospy so I was like YASSS I’ll come to your room and look.

So we went to hers and I put aside a potential buy pile and she’s gonna bring up more clothes for me to browse next time she comes back from Tamworth. Then we marched up to Kate’s room so I could relieve her of some clothes. I don’t even need more clothes I have plenty I just wanted to cheaply boost my wardrobe and chill with the two of them and procrastinate I reckon. Linley and Hadeel and Nicky G and Claudia joined us in Kate’s room eventually and it was like a whole party!

Eventually we drifted to the commo and I did some actual work but it was getting pretty late by now so I only got through a couple of lectures. Also my computer just blinked out and died and I freaked the fuck out inside a little bit and had to make my notes off Edward Rose’s notes (which I actually think I may prefer doing now anyway lol) but yeah so it took a bit longer. And so I was texting Nemoss about euthanasia ethics because I wanted to show off my tute and I can’t believe he doesn’t like ethics and philosophy cos I feel like we talk that sorta stuff all the time and I was talking just generally to Max and Claudia and Nick and it was such a good time and then we drifted to Claudia’s room and suddenly it was 3am and we were talking some serious shit about annoying people at college (which was really funny because we all agree but can never say) and about how state laws are stupid and some should be federal etc. and then suddenly it was 3:30am and Clauds had fallen asleep with the light on so we thought we should vacate her room and everyone decided to go to bed.

I was still riding my coffee high and had Nemoss so headed back to my floor and omg Riley had vomited all down the corridor. It smelt terrible and he must’ve vomited like 3x down the corridor at least because it reeked and like in a patchy kinda way too. And then I see Riley and I swear I have never seen someone look so fucked in his life he was white as a ghost his eyes were starey and red and he was shirtless holding his shirt in a crumple and there were literally drips of vom dripping off his shirt-ball onto the floor in front of the bathroom. It was disgusting. And he stared at me blankly and then was like ‘Georgia’ and I was like gonna spew from the smell and I was sleep-deprived and like I don’t really like Riley and I was just like rip rip rip I’m gonna bed so I left him to deal with his shit.

His vom was so strong I could smell it from inside my room with the door closed so it was a huge rip. Anyway by then it was getting kinda late to sleep because I had to get up early to meet corky for brekky so I thought I’d just rough it and stay up and like watch my caffeine doses and like crash sometime tomorrow so I was up chilling with Nemoss by phone till 8am when I crashed for an hour.

Corky woke me up by texting me 40min later to see if I was awake to get ready to go to brekky and she’d even researched the bus I had to take and everything I was like wtf. So I dragged myself outta bed and had to shower on the 4th floor because the 5th floor still reeked like shit and I wasn’t entering that bathroom if my life depended on it. 4th floor water pressure is probably the worst in all of college, I discovered, so after an unsatisfactory shower I grabbed my wallet dumped mascara on and dragged myself on a bus to Centennial park.

Queen’s Park Shed was where we ate and it was actually like very small and quaint, not at all what I expected for some reason but it was nice and had just like chill picnic in the park vibes. Corky and I had granola with poached pear and berries and it was like clearly overpriced for $12 for like a bit of muesli, yoghurt and sparse berries but it was healthy, filling and yummy so oh well. I also medicated with a coffee and I reckon that’s why I’ve made it so far tbh. Corky and I had good chats because I haven’t seen her in ages and she was like not as stressed about uni work as usual because she’d purposely like written time off study so we could hang out. It was really really good to catch up and we talked from 10am to 2:30pm in our procrastination type catchup and it was so good we probs would’ve kept talking except I had to get to class by 3 lol.

SG was boring af we watched 2 videos on like bereavement and palliative care. The first was just an explanation of palliative care and the second was following the life of this irish man who had a large stomach sarcoma and was going to die. It was quite emotional but there wasn’t much like discussion on it and as soon as the vids were over we were pretty much allowed to leave. I was so bored and like not coping (but not tired yet, weird) so I let Kuheli like read texts on my phone and it was kind of weird breaching my own privacy like that but at the same time not really caring because I’m just at that stage in my life where I’m really open cos I don’t give like a shit about anything.

After SG we wasted time with Fenton and Nguyen for awhile then Kuheli dragged me to the coffee cart cos she wanted tea. I stayed well away from that coffee cart because I wanted my sleep tonight thank you very much but considering it’s now 1:30am and I haven’t slept it’s all quite moot, isn’t it? And then I bussed off to tutoring with Ella. Kuheli walked me to the busstop which was nice and I almost crashed on the bus but by that time I was dangerously close to my stop so managed to stay awake. Tutoring Ella woke me up too. We made use of the NRICH site link I stole off Wayne when I used to tutor him and we started doing some problem solving. We were only doing extension Year 5 problem solving and she’s year 7 but I felt that like it was easy enough to ease her into the concepts and yet there were still some things which confused her so I think it was a good level to start and maybe we will build on it next time and go a bit up idk. HOWEVER her exams are coming up so I can’t get distracted by my get her to problem solve goals cos she really has to revise all her topics to do well and pass her test like as first priority. Anyway it was nice session and afterwards her Dad dropped me back at Churchies like right near uni so I didn’t have to bus which was so so so fantastic.

I went up to floor 7 because I think whilst I’m studying I should make the most of people being around and soak up some company too and Linley was studying in the study room. I got a decent amount done, but I’ve lost a lotta time due to wasting time on Monday and having breakfast with Courteney like all day today so I’m still behind but not too stressed. Headed down to floor supper and cos I didn’t have lunch or dinner I like went ham and had a double cheese and ham toastie, 2 donuts and fruit and it was honestly so lit. Stayed away from the coffee again though cos I ain’t that mad.

Then back up to the study room and honestly just threw myself into it. Like Max, Claudia and Nicky G were in and out I think but I honestly can’t say what was going on I was so focused. Kate popped in as well and I think her like meeting with Hugh didn’t go great but it was never going to so at least she was a bit prepared? Idk then we moved to the commo again and the chill cycle is repeating again as we speak with the same people. Hamish has lent me his charger again tonight thank god so I have my phone and now that I’ve successfully (and lengthily) recapped the past like idk 48 hours or so, I can head back for some chats before bed. Hopefully I can find the balance between sleep and chills but idk even if I don’t I just don’t wanna rek myself too much. There’s always a bit of coffee tho tomorrow idk.

Off to Woollahra library all day cos I wanna try a change of scene but also wanna get a lot done so should be like nice to go somewhere slightly different to hang for once. Kk that’s all for now, I know this is quite badly written but I don’t have the cognitive function to like fix it up or write it properly or anything on my limited sleep right now, so it will have to do. Till another day J

#personal

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