#i almost cried cos there was live music and at one point a tiny little guy with big blue rainboots waddled up to put some cash in their tip

[thinkingstoned]

peace and love on planet earth

[alrightberries]

you look so beautiful in white

request: i'm sadist so can we request more levi angst. i don't have a specific plot in mind but just.... HURT ME AND RIP MY HEART OUT

❈ pairing: levi ackerman x fem!reader

❈ genre: angst ❈ word count: 1.4k

❈ summary: Modern AU. Levi stood in front of the altar, thinking about how much he loved you as your father walked you down the aisle.

❈ trigger warnings: mentions of sickness and death.

a/n: y’all got a fluff break last fic with the short end of the stick but since you asked me to hurt you then hurt you i shall.

(also, sorry for not making it gender neutral.)

Levi’s eyes glanced around the small chapel. 

His hands rested idly at his sides, the black tuxedo he wore fitting his small yet built frame well. His hair was styled neatly, covered in the gel that the makeup artist who visited him hours earlier insisted he use.

He took note of the flowers that littered the small venue. Delicate, white, and looking beautifully serene in the marble vases the florist had lent them for the event. It was a good choice, and Levi mentally made a reminder to himself to thank the florist for their recommendation (he’d never admit it but damn it they were right, white lilies did look better than white dahlias.) White silk ribbons lined the pews on either side of the aisle, accentuating the red carpet your father had specifically requested in the meticulous planning that led up to this point in time.

Perfect. Everything had to be perfect for today.

The guests they’d invited lingered amongst themselves, clad in their best semi-formal attire as requested on the invitations that had been sent out prior. Family, friends, co-workers, and people he’d only seen in passing yet couldn’t quite remember sat on the chapel’s benches, chatting quietly as they waited for the event to start.

His heart steadily beat inside his chest, emotions nothing but a bundle of nerves as he tried his best to keep his face calm and stoic. From the corner of his eye, he spotted the pianist he’d hired walk towards the piano that sat near the altar where Levi stood. The man held papers in his hands, sheets for the music he was requested to play.

As soon as the pianist had sat down and arranged the papers onto the stand in front of the piano keys, soft music filled the air, tickling Levi’s ears and calming his nerves as he breathed in deeply to calm his thudding heart. The chatter from the guests died down, all standing up as they looked at the opposite end of the aisle. Levi nervously fixed his tuxedo despite the fact that he knew he looked flawless, not a hair out of place as his eyes trained on the chapel’s doors when they slowly opened.

One by one, people entered and walked down the aisle, walking to their assigned seats just before they could reach the altar’s elevated steps the way they had choreographed the day before. And finally, his eyes widened and his heart stopped.

Because at the end of the aisle was the love of his life. At the end of the aisle was you.

Levi wasn’t sure what to think. Anticipation replaced the nervousness he felt in his chest. No matter how much he’d been preparing for this day, it didn’t stop his eyes from tearing up and his breath from getting caught in his lungs as he stared at the site of your father walking you down the aisle, the entourage slowly trailing behind.

He couldn’t cry, he simply couldn’t. He had to be strong.

For you.

Memories swirled in his mind. The day you met at the coffee shop, your voice nervous and eyes terrified as you handed him napkins and apologized for spilling coffee on his shirt. The day you started dating, how wide you’d smiled and your eyes twinkled when he asked to make it official. Your first anniversary, how you’d tried to make him a nice dinner to surprise him after work but fell asleep and almost burned down the house. The day he proposed to you, how you cried and yelled out “yes, oh my god, yes!” as you grabbed his face to lean in for a kiss. 

He loved you. His heart swelled at the warm memories because oh god, did he love you. He loved you more than he thought he could ever love another person.

He knew this day would come, he’d been anticipating and preparing for it as much. Yet, it took all his resolve to not let the tears fall from his eyes as he tried to ignore the lump in his throat the longer he stared at you.

Once you reached the altar and the entourage had helped you get settled in your spot, your father gently set his hand down on Levi’s shoulder. Ordinarily, this would make him cringe— he never really liked being touched, the rare exception being you. 

But today was no ordinary day.

Levi looked at your father’s eyes, emotions unreadable, and he noticed that they were brimming with tears. Your father noticed as well, letting out a small chuckle as he wiped them away.

“Sorry,” he murmured. “Always knew this day would come but I wasn’t expecting it to come so soon. It’s just so hard to let my little girl go.”

Levi let out a small nod, hand awkwardly reaching out to pat your father’s back. “It’s alright. She’s in good hands.”

Your father gave Levi a small nod as well, and the small, almsot unnoticable smile stayed on his face as he gave you one more lingering glance before he walked off the altar and to his seat in the pews.

Now left alone with his lover, Levi turned to finally look at you, and his heart skipped a beat. He admired the little white flowers woven into your hair, how they seemed to go so well with its color. The minimalist yet well thought out makeup accentuated your features, and the lipstick your makeup artist had chosen paired up nicely with the color of your skin. He made another mental note to himself, this time to personally thank the makeup artist who dolled you up for today.

His eyes roamed to take a look at the rest of your body, and he let out a small smile at the thought of how beautiful you looked in the expensive white dress he’d paid for.

Beautiful. You looked so beautiful it almost hurt.

The priest cleared his throat and Levi was snapped out of his thoughts.

This was it. This was really it.

Levi gestured to the pianist, the musician nodding and smoothly ending the song to let the priest speak. The chapel is silent once more.

“Friends, family, and loved ones.” The priest started.

Yet Levi couldn’t do anything but sadly eye the photograph of your smiling face. It sat next to your open casket, framed by the same white lilies that decorated the venue. He clenched his fists at his sides, head bowing down in defeat, unshed tears finally falling down his cheeks.

The guests at the venue blurred in his vision, going from discernible faces to a sea of black to reflect the dark clothes they wore for your funeral. It was better this way— this way, he didn’t have to look at their crying eyes and their pity-filled glances.

He couldn’t hold it back anymore. He couldn’t keep trying to be strong, even if it was for you, because this was pain— it was agonizing, tearing at his insides, clutching at his heart and threatening to break it into a million tiny pieces once more, just like it did when he rushed you to the hospital in the middle of the night where you were pronounced dead on arrival.

It made him want to yell, scream out, curse at the universe for taking you away from him, and the realization that your corpse lay in the white casket behind him finally sunk in. He silently heaved, knees threatening to give out beneath him, and he wanted to sob right then and there because life was just so unfair.

You were supposed to have at least a year left to live. The wedding was supposed to be set two months from now, yet the cancer didn’t care for your shared plans of the future. It spread too fast, too aggressive to even consider the expensive option of chemotherapy. It had taken away the love of his life in the dead of the night, when Levi woke up next to you and realized you weren’t breathing, and he knew what it meant but it didn’t stop him from rushing you to the hospital to try... something, anything that could’ve possibly brought you back to him.

But you were gone.

He always thought that the expensive white dress he’d be buying for you would be a wedding dress, and the sick twisted irony of having to buy you a white funeral dress almost made him want to laugh.

Too soon. You were gone too soon.

The priest’s voice droned on in the background but Levi couldn’t find it in himself to care, his grief-stricken mind numbing his heart to the pain, still broken and hurting at the memory of your death.

“We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Y/N L/N. A loving daughter, a wonderful friend, and a blushing bride to be.”

alrightberries © 2020. do not modify or repost.

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[ladynyctophilia]

Avoiding Red

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 

Mature Themes

Pairings: Vivienne Tang x MC (Rozario)

(Vivienne’s point of view.)

Tick, tick, tick…

Hours had passed, but Vivienne was stuck in time. Her long, slender hands gripped the sides of the vanity. It was the only thing that kept her tethered to the real world. She didn't know how long she'd been standing like that. Hours? Minutes? She was in a statue like trance—a statue on the break of collapsing. 

Rozario. 

Rozario was gone. 

My Rozario.

Vivienne blinked, wide-eyed and trembling, like an animal caught in a cage, struggling to control the storm of emotion that churned inside. She glanced at the mirror but hissed as the invisible noose yanked her gaze away. She choked.

I'm a monster. 

But her gaze hardened.

No. Look at yourself. 

Begrudgingly, Vivienne lifted her head, heavy with demons, and locked eyes with the enemy in the mirror. Herself.

I promised her. 

Vivienne declared to herself, unblinking, her heart pounded as threatening as a war drum. The Poppy escaped, but at what cost? Their newest member paid the price. It made Vivienne want to wrap herself up in a black hole and cease to exist. Without Rozario to color her life, she felt empty, numb to everything. A woman in red, walking alone in a world of black and white. No diamonds could satisfy this river of misery. How long could she swim before she drowned? 

If I held on tighter...

A crack of emotion rippled across Vivienne's features as an anguished cry ripped out from her throat. She never cried, but here she was crying, screaming with the voice of a thousand sirens, shoving off all the contents on her vanity. Glass shattered, and the sound of chaos became her music: dance sad girl, dance. 

Glass soared in every direction, obliterated on the floor. The perfume began to pool out and around the shattered bottles, like blood escaping the veins. Some shards of glass even managed to puncture Vivienne's skin, but she didn't notice, or maybe she didn't care. Besides her jagged breaths, the room was quiet again. The smells, however, were quite loud, tangling for dominance. 

I can't do this. 

Vivienne thought to herself as her hair ghosted over the glass-covered surface of the vanity. With shame, the tears were beginning to burn, so she stroked her ring in search for comfort, but it brought her none. No. With quick realization, Vivienne gasped, yanking the ring off as if it might burn her. The last person she used it on was Rozario. Her heart did a few somersaults—the bad kind. 

I stabbed Rozario. 

Her breath hitched.

I poisoned her. 

Making a choice was one thing, but accepting it? Her body collapsed on the vanity, tears mapping down her already wet cheeks. This crippling burden made it to overwhelming to stand. Like a racehorse pushing past its limit, she wasn't physically unable to continue. Besides her rapid breaths, she didn't make a sound and completely disregarded the state of her makeup.

There was no other choice. 

A voice from a past Vivienne chimed in. A last-minute attempt to justify what she had done.

Without that poison to slow down her heart, she would have bled out.

"She could already be dead," Vivienne winced. She could feel what was left of her heart sliding into the pit of her stomach. Vivienne groaned into a cough, clearing her throat. "Ugh," Vivienne silently cursed in french, rubbing her temples to soothe a growing headache. 

Okay. That's enough. 

She needed to get up. She needed a plan. 

After that, much-needed outburst, Vivienne had once more regained control and recovered her mask, but she felt terrifyingly empty. Like everything human had been stolen with Rozario, but finally, Vivienne found her feet, dragging her gloved hands down her rapidly aging face. 

Fuck.

Vivienne thought as she glanced at the mirror and took in her appearance. Emotions were never good for the skin. 

Regret hung in the air, and a small part of her knew she should have just left in Venice like she originally planned. Then this day would have never happened. Rozario would have never been shot, and Vivienne wouldn't have known this avalanche of agony. She had tolerated heartbreak before, but never to this extent. It was like the entire world had swallowed her, with nowhere else to run, and when there was no escape, Vivienne would make her own escape. 

Rozario was gone. 

She repeated in her head. The one-hundredth declaration was not as grueling, but none of The Poppy knew where their prized artist was….or IF she was. Seeing Rozario fall off the helicopter was like something from a bad dream, but it wasn’t a dream. She winced at the memory. The gamble with the poison might have saved Rozario from bleeding out, but it didn't save Vivienne from the betrayal that masked Rozario's face.  Vivienne didn't have time to explain, and now she might never get to explain, and maybe that was the best thing for Rozario. A reminder to the young artist that life with The Poppy wasn't a vacation, yes they lived a life of freedom, but at the end of the day they were criminals with a lot of money on their heads. 

Very suddenly, Vivienne became acutely aware of the objects in her room that were stained with Rozario's presence. Her eyes twitched, and her mind went from everything to radio silence. Rozario's half-finished sketchbook rested on the table with a dull pencil nested nearby, and near the door were her sandals, worn from their lighthearted adventures in the major cities they've visited, and Vivienne didn't even want to begin thinking about her lover's clothes that waited to be worn in HER closet. 

Oh no. Don't look. 

She looked. She looked at the bed, their bed. It's where Rozario should be right now. Nowhere else. With possessiveness, the fire was relit and bulldozed over any control that Vivienne had JUST regained, and without skipping a beat, Vivienne went on a rampage. The thief was no longer in control of her own body as she ripped down the curtains, pushed over the couch, flipped over the table, and shattered every mirror insight. Red. Red. Red. RED!!! With her leather gloves torn, blood now dripped from Vivienne's clenched fists, a matching addition to her cape, but Vivienne remained unfazed as she turned her gaze towards her next victim. 

The bed.

Bundling up the expensive sheets in her arms, Vivienne marched over to the open window and flung the sheets out, watching as they were stolen by the wind and never seen again.

Huffing and puffing, Vivienne was breathing like she had just finished a marathon and lost. Even the air was begging for mercy, but a spark of morning temporarily blinded her.

How DARE you.

Vivienne's gaze pierced out the window as shades of purples and pinks bled into the Paris skies. The world had no knowledge of Vivienne's grief. It merely just carried on without being swayed. It was a reminder of how insignificant their lives really were. That was a nature Vivienne desired to possess, but when it came to her precious Rozario, she couldn't. Shame. It was going to be a beautiful sunrise, if not day. She blinked out tears, a cool down from her rage as she admired the delicate colors that swam in the skies. It reminded her of Rozario.

A heavy fisted knock jerked Vivienne out of her head. Leon. 

"Vivienne?" Leon called out in a gentle voice as if she might come out and bite. 

Oh, Leon. 

She could hear his big feet shuffling around nervously.  

"Yes, darling?" She answered, but made no move to open the door,  purposefully restraining any emotion in her voice that would give her away. Now, she had time to examine the full state of her room. It was a mess to say the least, and with the sun on the rise, many pieces of shattered glass glittered like a thousand tiny suns smiling at Vivienne specifically. She glared at them in return. Besides the glass, the bed was no more, if it wasn't broken, it was turned over, and the few plants that Vivienne kept were smashed on the ground. Leon couldn't see this or the state she was in. NONE of The Poppy could see this. She could feel the warmth of their concern from miles away, and she knew that Rozario held a special place in each of their hearts too...but with Rozario gone, Vivienne remained more distant than. 

"Zoe tracked the people who took Rozario. She's alive, and they have her in a hospital, eight hours away from Paris." Leon did well to hide the urgency in his voice, but the low rumbles of concern gave him away. "We don't know how long we have."

There was a pause as Vivienne closed her eyes, allowing the new information to seep into her being, finding strength from it. Rosario was alive. That should have been enough to lift her injured spirit, but knowing that the government had her amor in their clutches was enough to make Vivienne see RED. 

"Red…." she breathed, knowing the wave of temporary contentment the safe word would bring. "C-can you get us there in five?" Vivienne spoke up, a little shakier than she wanted.

"Easily," Leon declared without an ounce of hesitation. He was always the hero. Vivienne could have smiled at that, but she didn't. 

Now shaking, Vivienne let out a tired sigh, "wonderful," she almost laughed, "I will be out in five." Leon didn't respond, and Vivienne could hear the jingle of keys as his heavy steps faded away. They had an understanding. No words were necessary.  Rozario was in a hospital, and they were going to get her out. It wouldn't be the first time Vivienne had broken someone out of jail. Leon and Nadia were proof. How could a hospital be different, if not easier?

After Leon left to start the car, Vivienne excused herself to the bathroom. There wasn't any time to reapply a full face of makeup, but she recovered what she could, and exactly five minutes later, Vivienne marched out of her room with her red cape in tow and red lipstick threatening. Vivienne Tang was a woman in love, and the universe feared for whoever dared to stand in Vivienne Tang's way. They were going to get Rozario back because she was a Poppy and The Poppy were masters of doing the impossible.

To be continued....

[edgeofmyniall]

one: “break up with your girlfriend...i’m bored”

story page | thoughts | taglist | playlist

“I know it ain't right, but I don't care. Break up with your girlfriend, yeah, yeah, 'cause I'm bored”

Los Angeles- the city of angels. Or the city that feels the need to fit in as Ginger sees. She loves the big crowds of people walking, skating down the sidewalk, or taking pictures at the touristy spots. She didn’t mind the bumper to bumper traffic she fights almost every single weekday morning and evening; she has seen and met some interesting people on the freeway. She loves watching the wildflowers bloom through the cracks of the cement in front of her house. She isn’t meant to fit in with the co-inhabitants of Los Angeles. And she’s okay with that.

Ginger sticks out like a sore thumb- red hair, pale skin, and freckles to boot. She never blends in with the sea of blonde and brunette faces. She’s also loud, cheerful, and talks to complete strangers. She loves to laugh and will tell you that her main hobby is to learn about dinosaurs. Her parents swore she would become a teacher or a librarian, but when she was accepted into the University of California, Los Angeles for their business program, both Jack and Pennie knew that she was right where she belonged.

And it was no surprise when Stella and Ginger moved in together. Cousins, Stella and Ginger grew up more like sisters. With Stella’s dad constantly traveling and her mother not in the picture, Stella lived with her father’s brother and his family. Stella and Ginger shared a bedroom at the top of the stairs in the small farmhouse. Ginger and Stella were not afraid of the farm life; growing up they helped feed the animal, and eventually, Jack and Pennie gave the girls two horses for their own.

Stella let her southern accent fade away over time at college because no PR rep should have an accent, but Ginger...she clung to the articulation of her speech as if it was the only thing she had left of home. And Ginger sometimes felt like she was the only one with the country accent in LA, and she is okay with that.

The city of constant sunshine has turned into a dreary grey thunderstorm. Ginger looks out her office window and watches the passers-by scramble to find anything to cover them from the unexpected downpour. She likes to watch the lightning strike the ocean, but she’s too far into the city to see the roar of waves. She watches the raindrops race down her window to the pane before she returns to her work. 

It is the sudden knock on her office door that pulls Ginger out of her trance of numbers and calculations. It’s one of her favorite co-workers- Sheila from downstairs. Gingers smile toothily as Sheila, the aging woman, slides a chocolate donut across Ginger’s desk. “Stole this before Rex got to ‘em. Figured you wanted one.” Sheila winks at her friend before biting into her glazed treat. 

“This...is why...you’re my favorite,” Ginger says in between bites. She covers her mouth, but the frosted glaze still sticks to her lips. Ginger and Sheila eat their afternoon snack in silence. This is a ritual for both of them. A break for the steady course of the day; a gasp of fresh air for both of them. Sheila doesn’t say much as she leans on the doorway, and Ginger is glad to be in a room with someone besides herself. 

Ginger is a people person; moreover, a people-pleaser. She likes to make people happy. She has a knack of knowing when someone needs her to talk with and when she needs to be there in silence. She radiates positivity to her family, friends, and co-workers. She needs to remain happy for the sake that if she gets too into her head, she retreats. She becomes quiet and loses herself in her head. She remembers her heartbreaking and everything she’s stuffed into a bottle comes blowing out.

“You ready for the meeting next week? I haven’t even thought of my idea.” Sheila breaks the silence as she wipes her hands on her napkin. She sits down in the chair in front of Ginger’s desk. It’s lined with framed pictures and Polaroids of those closest to her. “I mean, how can we improve clientele if all we do is come up with new ideas every day?” 

“If I knew that becoming a marketing manager meant I had to come up with not one, but two new grand ideas, I would have become a house sitter. Telecommunications, Inc.: Where two ideas are better than one,” Ginger forms an imaginary rainbow with her hands as she laughs sarcastically with her co-worker. 

“How’s that new Capital file coming, anyway? You were so excited to get the job, you about cried,” Sheila picks the lint off her pants. For her, small talk is heaven when it’s with Ginger because she’s the one who's doing most of the talking. And Sheila likes that about her friend. She lives through Ginger and her stories. But what she’s reminded of when she comes to Ginger’s office for their daily break is that her own children don’t talk to her as much as her co-worker does.

“Yeah, well that was before I knew how much they spent on stupid shit like a virtual reality system that they used for like, a day! For promo!” Ginger’s eyes grow as her voice begins to get louder. “I mean, I know Ariana is great and all, but they gotta stop spending their money on stuff that doesn’t matter. I’ve sent the CEO an email-”

“Not the CEO,” Sheila gasps theatrically, biting into Ginger’s storytelling. It makes the middle-aged woman feel young again when she talks to Ginger- the only person who doesn’t fake their perkiness.

“Yes, the CEO. And he has me running numbers for a new promotional scheme. Hopefully, he likes it,” Ginger thumbs through the papers she’s organized and pulls out a spreadsheet to show to Sheila. “A couple thousand dollars on billboards is good, ya know, people driving will see it, but no one listens to the radio anymore. It’s all on their phones.” 

“You’d be surprised. Tell your cousin I said hi,” Sheila winks before getting up and leaving Ginger’s office. It’s finally quiet and Ginger shuffles her papers back in order. The phone rings and Ginger’s eyes go wide as she reads the caller ID: her boss. Their break is over. 

~~~~~

“Stella? You home?” Ginger lays her keys onto the kitchen counter as she calls out to her cousin. She shares a house with her best friend and Cousin, Stella. Ginger hears the music blaring from Stella’s room upstairs. Stella has either had a bad day or her and her boyfriend were having sex. Ginger knows best to let her be alone for a while so she decides to start their dinner for the night and call up her mother. 

“Yes, mom. Stella’s fine. Yes, they’re still together. No, I haven’t. The guys out here,” Ginger waves in the air with her free hand, “they’re terrible. I mean just horrible. Self-absorbed. Yeah well, Stella got lucky. It’s not every day you meet a celeb AND they actually like you.” The music stops and a door opens upstairs. Ginger smiles as she hears her cousin’s heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. “Oh by the way,” Ginger pauses dramatically as she plans for the big reveal. “I got promoted.” Screams of joy come from both her phone and from behind her. Stella stands in the kitchen with her hair in a messy bun and only a t-shirt and shorts as she squeals. “Holy shit! You did it! Oh sorry, Aunt Pen.” Stella wraps her arms around her cousin. While Ginger and Stella share a lot of similarities, their physiques are not what they share. Stella is small: short, tiny waist, and her voice on a normal day is barely above the pitch of a small cat. The only way Stella got the job as a public relations person, Ginger once came to the conclusion of, was her bigger-than-life personality. The brown mop of a bun waves at Ginger as she lets go of her hug. Stella grins ear to ear as she giddily jumps. “That’s so great! You deserve it, doesn’t she, Aunt Pen?” Stella calls out to her aunt over the speakerphone. 

“Yes, yes, yes she does,” Pennie’s tears cannot be seen, but they are heard. “Oh Stella, dear, your father keeps calling us to see if we’ve heard from you. I’m to give you the message to call him ASAP.” Pennie quickly relays the message before Stella rolls her eyes and promises to call her uncle’s brother. “We’re going out for drinks tonight! To celebrate the joyness of life!” Stella points to the ceiling before taking off upstairs. 

“Guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow then. Love you, Mom. Give Daddy my love.” Ginger tells her mother goodbye before finishing up the dinner she had previously started. She guesses she’ll be eating this for lunch. 

~~~

Within the hour and a half that it took to get both Stella and Ginger ready, Stella already began to compose a plan to include their friends in the celebration. They had planned to meet at their usual place before heading out to the bars: Preux and Proper. The restaurant itself was a gimmick of New Orleans where Ginger had visited once when she was on spring break in college.

By the time the girls arrived, everyone was there. A long table had been prepared for the twenty or so people at the table. All of them were familiar to Ginger and Stella, but only one who stood up to greet them as they walked to the table: Stella’s boyfriend.

“There are me two girls! Was just talkin’ about ya,'' Niall wrapped his arms around Stella’s hourglass waist and pulled her in for a small but deep kiss. “Missed you today.” Stella looked up to Niall and let out a small giggle before going around the table to give her usual hugs.

“And you! Gin, congrats,” Niall pulled Ginger in for a massive bear hug. Her throat was closing up and a knot in her stomach began to bounce around. As she enveloped her arms around Niall’s back, she breathed in his scent: spearmint soap with a little musk hinting about. She sees Niall as an older brother more than her cousin’s boyfriend, but she doesn’t deny the fact that he’s handsome and some nights she dreams about him.

“Thank you, Nialler.” Ginger lets go of her embrace, but for a moment, she thinks he’s holding on a little too long for this to appropriate. “You look spiffy.” 

Niall, in his floral white shirt and navy blue dress pants, stands with his arms on his hips and poses. “It isn’t every day you get promoted, Gin. You look...nice.” Niall’s pause caught Ginger off guard. It was like he tried to choose his words, but it still came out all wrong. She looks down at her leopard shirt, ripped jeans, and black heels as if she forgot what she was wearing. 

“Oh, thanks.” She smiled awkwardly. It’s around Niall that she doesn’t know what to do or say. 

“Here come sit by me,” Niall holds his hand out above the empty chair next to him. 

“Wouldn’t you want Stella to…” Before Ginger could finish her question, her cousin had sat down next to her best friend, Emma, which was still straight across from Niall. Ginger takes her seat and begins to look at the menu, trying to avoid any more interaction from Niall. 

“Whadya gettin’? The usual?” Niall chuckles at his teasing, only making Ginger pull the menu closer to her face to hide her smile.

She had failed.

~~~~

“Gin? You alright?” the whisper of Niall pulls Ginger out of her trance- empty thoughts and dissociation from the group. She feels swallowed whole at the moment. She’s usually fully involved in the conversation, practically taking over it, but tonight, she’s alone- an outcast in the world inside her head despite the celebration of her accomplishment. She faces Niall and smiles gently. Her heart is in her throat when she comes to the realization that his thumb is on her bare kneecap and she can feel the summer heat of his palm through her ripped jeans. 

“Yeah. Sometimes I live in my head. I’m okay. Where were we?” Ginger looks down at her half-eaten plate- bacon cheeseburger and onion rings. The staple meal of Ginger.

“Let’s start with dinner, yeah?” The Irish accent has grown thicker under the influence of Guinness. Ginger looks back at Niall and she feels slightly uncomfortable at how close Niall’s face was to hers. “Stella is tellin’ us about you two got banned from the rec field for life.” He smiled eagerly; his eyes crinkle and the last rays of the setting sunshine in his blue eyes. Ginger looks at her cousin and realizes that Stella could care less how close both her cousin and boyfriend are. 

“But I do need to talk to ya when you get a chance.” Niall locks eyes with Ginger. Eyes dilated, he looks drunker than he really is. His words slur slightly, but he’s more buzzed than anything. Could it be from their simple embrace? It couldn’t be. “It’s about Stel.” 

“Yeah, sure.” Ginger’s voice cuts through the tension between the two of them. May it be the tequila or the forbidden wanting, Ginger blushes after Niall winks at her. He ruffles Ginger’s red curly locks before laughing at the punchline of Stella’s joke, going back to his place at the table. Ginger was the punchline of her cousin’s jokes- she always was.

~~~

By the time the checks come around, Ginger is feeling heavy. She can barely keep her head up and her arm is feeling like lead. Voices dance around her as she shuts her eyes tight trying to make the outside upper terrace stop spinning. Maybe it’s from the many times that Niall’s hand faintly touched her skin or the fact that she had a few margaritas in her system- the one thing Ginger wanted to do was go home and sleep. 

“Yeah, as I was sayin’, Stel babe, I’m buying Ginger’s dinner, and yours.” Niall’s voice echoes through Ginger’s skull, pounding her brain. She can’t seem to open her mouth to argue that she was perfectly fine with paying her own bill.

“It was my idea; I’m paying,” Stella says defensively. “She’s my cousin.” Stella squints her eyes despite the night has rolled in.

“And she’s me friend,” Niall’s thick accent rolls off his tongue like a sinner confessing. When the waiter comes back with cards and receipts, Niall smiles deviously. “Don’t know why you’re arguing with me anyways, it’s already done.” Niall signs the paper and stands. “Where to next?” 

“40Love?” Mully asks. “I know the owner.” A loud boom of laughter overtakes the terrace, and Ginger finally feels the after-effects of the day beginning to wear on her. 

“I’m going home because unlike you all I have a real job” The group laughs at Ginger’s joke before she stands and sways. The floor is spinning underneath her and she has an overwhelming sensation to giggle. Stella stands and hands Ginger her water, but Niall steadies his friend. “I have to… I have to…” Ginger can’t form the words, but she can picture what she wants to do in her mind: get under her sheets and bring out her vibrating friend while she thinks of the Irish devil that has his hands on her.

“How many drinks did she have?” Emma asks; her face scrunches at the sight of Ginger trying to catch herself. Ginger takes mental note to flick off Emma, but she can’t decide which one to do so.

“Three? I think?” Someone else answering Emma’s question. “You know she can’t hold her ‘hol.” The uncalled-for comment pairing with a thicker accent could only mean one thing: snot-nosed Deo. 

“She can’t walk by herself,” Stella says when she finally reaches her cousin. “And I need to go with Sean. There’s a client…and-” 

“Go,” Niall cuts off his girlfriend. He shifts Ginger’s arm around the nape of his neck and pushes the wild red curly hair out of her face. Ginger inhales the masculine scent of deodorant. “I’ll take her home. Meet you there?” Niall’s voice seems a little aggravated, Ginger thinks. She’s probably ruining his plans. Good, he’s ruined her life with his stupid niceness and his stupid handsomeness and his stupid laughter.

Niall starts to turn away to make his way down the stairs before Stella calls out to him.

“Be careful. See ya in a bit.” Stella leans up to kiss Niall, and now that she’s in close proximity of the two, she notices Niall doesn’t pucker his lips out all of the sudden but does so after a moment of hesitation. “Love you.”

It was when they were descending down the stairs inside the restaurant that Ginger begins to laugh at herself before making the comment: “You didn’t say it back, asshole.”

~~~~

It seems like forever to get back to the house, but Ginger is glad to see her small yellow home at last. She likes that color: it reminds her of sunshine and happiness. Ginger makes a note to pull the weeds out from her small flower garden, but it’s highly unlikely she’ll remember in the morning. Niall helps her out of his car and walks her up to the front door. “Why didn’t you kiss her?” Ginger asks as she stands against the white post of the small front porch. Niall’s eyes go wide as he fumbles the car keys in his calloused hands.

“What?”

“Why...didn’t...you...kiss...Stella?” Ginger slows down her words as she rolls her eyes. Oh, God, that makes the queasiness worse.

“I did?” Niall’s brow quirks and he doesn’t understand Ginger’s question. “You saw it.”

“No...you hesitated. You waited. You didn’t kiss her.” The lump in Ginger’s throat is back and it’s sobering up the loose thoughts of the alcohol. “Why?” Niall swallows hard before unlocking the white door, pushing it open. He looks at Ginger with a lost stare and his lips form a thin line. She notices his chest fall quickly before his nervous habit of picking his nails begins. Despite Niall dating her cousin, Ginger is fairly close to him. They get along well, and she’s the reason Stella and Niall met. Niall considers Ginger to be one of his best mates. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I was...um,” he clears his throat, and the longer he avoids the question, the quicker Ginger sobers up. “I was thinking about kissing someone else.” 

“Who?” Ginger squints hard to keep Niall in one place that her eyes nearly close. Her heart is in her mouth and she’s afraid of his answer. “Is that why you wanted to talk to me about Stella?” Niall nods before shuffling his feet. In a moment of vulnerability, Niall's confidence quakes. 

“I don’t feel like being with her anymore. I’m just some status and good sex to her. There’s no emotional connection for me anymore.” Niall’s words hit Ginger like an aftershock. Her heart is knocking against its cavity. “I wanna be with someone else.”

“Have you thought about talking to her?” Ginger looks at Niall’s hair, avoiding his eyes. It’s now, more than ever, that she wants to run her hands through his soft brown tendrils.

Niall holds back a laugh, “Yeah good one. That’ll go nowhere. It’s either we argue or we fuck. Absolutely no substance to our relationship” He holds up his hands and air quotes the final word.

“Then break up with her. If you’re not happy, go be happy with someone else.” Ginger’s words are sincere and soothe Niall, but there’s a hint of anger in them. Ginger doesn’t want to be a part of this. She wants to be left out. She doesn’t want to ruin her cousin’s happiness...or Niall’s.

“Then I wouldn’t see you.”

“Yes, you will.” But those words that were spilled out hit the floor and bounced right into Ginger’s stomach. They hovered over her making her feel heavier than before. She felt her mouth become dry and her mind started to race. She couldn’t do this. Not with Niall. Not with anyone. Ginger shook herself out of her mind and realized Niall, watching her, is waiting for an answer. She swallowed and walked past Niall, closing the door in his face. 

There was his answer.

~~~~

taglist:  @oyesmendes​ @kare38 @stayclose-holdsteady @thicksniall

[ageofevermore]

an update on how my oc's are getting along during this pandemic :)

Harry and Goldie: this man is absolutely loving the time he gets to spend with you and your little love! sure, now he's going out and about between the states and your flat back in london, but he absolutely adored the few uninterrupted months he got to spend with the both of you. goldie is just over two and a half years old when quarantine begins, so you and harry decide it's a good time to start potty training. she hates it at first, mostly because the sound of the toilet flushing is intimidating, but soon she learns that harry will sing over the loud sound. you almost rolled your eyes allowed the first time you watched your husband sing beside the toilet, clapping his hands and blowing into a blue harmonica between words.

the three of you also become a family of four, well five if were counting the goldfish named finn. you get pregnant just after march, and your finding out in a few days the gender...it's a little girl. even before you know though, harry has deemed your little one bowie. the baby inside of you loves grilled cheese and tomatoes, which you were never fond of, and is guaranteed to start moving around when music is played. the first time harry realized this, his head was in your lap and david bowie was playing on vinyl.

"did ya feel that, lovie?" he looked up with wide eyes and a glowing grin, "bunny likes himself some bowie."

"who said it's a boy harry?" you bit back, a smile on your lips.

"we already got a girl, it's only fair, love." he mumbled back before pressing his lips to the skin of your bare belly, not just popping but definitely not as tight as it was, "hi, bowie. ya gonna be my music partner? i think yeh big sister might have a fit."

but quarantine also came with struggles. goldie didn't understand why she couldn't bounce back and forth between your flat and anne's house, and she definitely didn't understand why you were no longer going to the pack every afternoon with a packed lunch and a plan to stop at the ice cream shop and collect a blue popsicle. she had thrown a fit at harry's feet for six days before moving along to the next obsession -- which happened to be styling harry's growing hair into a messy ponytail, or unicorn horn as she deemed through giggles.

Ellie McCall: ellie and liam are doing great! they've taken this time to just sit back and actually enjoy each others company. ellie's fresh out of college and beside stiles at the FBI, working as a medically trained field agent. her brothers best friend was less then happy when he realized that the younger girl was moving up in the program quicker then he could. ellie and liam are ready to start a family, though they don't look to be having any luck. when they do get pregnant though, ellie immediately worries that she's going to have to push a werewolf sized baby out of her. it takes seven calls to deaton and three voice mails to derek to assure her that the baby will be normal sized, and lacking in supernatural abilities until he's at least a toddler. oh yeah, it's a baby boy that is immediately named called brett dunbar.

though ellie and liam are enjoying the time home, it does bring ellie into a darker headspace. she dwells over allison and what her best friend might have been doing, and she can't help but think about boyd and erica. even matt crosses her mind a few times before she wiggles into bed besides liam and falls asleep with his heartbeat in her ear. liam isn't oblivious to her suffering, but it's apparent he doesn't know how to help. he sits were her sometimes when she's just staring out of the living room window, and makes her a cup of tea, because recently she's grown to hate the taste of coffee. he just lets her know that he's with her, and even though they're along in DC, she isn't actually alone.

Dylan O'Brien, Chloe O'Brien, and Maisie O'Brien: the trio is so good! dylan is so glad to finally be home with his girls for longer then a couple of broken up weeks. he can't remember the last time he was truly free to just be a dad and a husband. yes, chloe and dylan got married. it was a few weeks before the new year that they celebrated two months married. dylan's glad they waited so long, because the image of his daughter walking down the isle never fails to bring tears to his eyes. mae's just over four and a half, so she was in pre-school when everything started shutting down. she cried for weeks about missing her friends, clinging to dylan's torso for hours until she could be persuaded into walking on her own.

mae was a busybody, which meant keeping her home all day every day was hard. dylan was a personal jungle gym at this point, having bruises and cuts littering his arms and legs from how frequently he was used as a latter or slide. he wouldn't have it any other way though, loving that himself alone could entertain maisie for hours. what was hard about being home was finding alone time. the little one chloe and dylan shared loved to sneak into bed with them at two am, meaning that any passionate love making was rushed and done half dressed. it really wasn't passionate, but it quenched the thirst that would build after days of thick sexual tension.

every morning dylan would wake up after chloe and mae, coming down to plates of fresh fruit and pancakes. chloe didn't mind the big breakfast, giving her something to do other then stare at the wall or sing along to frozen for the umpteenth time that week. she had tried to get mae into something else after watching it seven times in a day, but the littler girl had crawled into her fathers laps with pleading eyes and a frown, sweetly asking if he could turn on anna and elsa when you were in the bathroom. it was no surprise that he cracked under the pressure, wanting nothing more then to be mae's best friend even when he knew a movie couldn't hurt her.

chloe's favorite thing about it all though had to be waking up in the middle of the night to cold sheets. she would leave the bedroom confused, having remembered falling alseep in dylan's arms, but in no time she would find her husband and daughter either in the kitchen eating ice cream, or cuddled up together in a toddler sized bed happily asleep. she would selfishly take a few more months of this isolation if it meant making more magical memories.

Emma James and Dylan Sprayberry: emma and dylan are great! they've started wedding planning, and have been using this time to finally finish moving into their house! emma was sad to let go of her first home with everly, but she comes to love their newly purchased home in SoCal even more. emma and ellery have been besties this entire time! it's not often that the two of them are apart, finding it a comfort to have some sort of daily routine that helps them stay mentally okay. emma is more then glad to have dylan by her side at home, but she needs more then her fiancé to keep a level head.

emma doesn't have any upcoming projects, instead taking the time to work on herself and her mom life. everly james is everything to her! the little beauty who looks just like her mother is just under two years old when this pandemic really cracks down on california, and it takes a toll on emma when they're forced to spend her second birthday with just dylan's sister and mother.

emma tries her hardest to keep in contact with holland and crystal, often having facetime calls scheduled. she misses seeing her friends faces every day, but knows that their reunion will be so much sweater once everything is safe and reopened.

Scotland Reilly and Dylan O'Brien: i haven't introduced scotland to this blog yet, but she's my little bean, and the irl oc for leila martin! anyways, scotland and dylan have been so good and really enjoyed being home together for longer then a few weeks or broken apart months! they're coming up on their seventh dating anniversary, and beginning to talk about what the next step might look like. they're been living together since season two of teen wolf, which was a year before they started dating, but neither one is completely sold on whether they want to go through with marriage. they have no doubt that the rest of their lives will be spent happily together and as one, but the idea of getting married never really stuck out to them!

scotland has an eating disorder that goes hand in hand with OCD that manifested after a childhood of travel between modeling jobs and bicoastal co-parenting. she's been strictly a vegan for almost nine years as a way to ensure that she's always healthy and so she doesn't feel to guilt about the foods she's eating, but recently she's started to introduce chicken (which dylan is absolutely thrilled about) fish, and a few dairy products. being home has given her the chance to actually feel comfortable with how far she's willing to push past her comfort zones and find new things out about herself. she's also overly plagued by baby fever!

she had her head on dylan's chest one afternoon, scrolling through moodboard on her pintrest account when the cutest pastel themed nursery caught her attention. they're in no way ready for a baby, but scotland can just imagine a tiny baby the two of them sharing her eyes and strawberry hair but every other quality being strictly dylan's. they both think a baby is the perfect next step, but in a few years time when hopefully the pandemic has calmed down and it's not so high risk.

the conversation goes like that:

"baby." scotland coos, looking up at dylan whose entire focus is on the old baseball game. he hummed in her general direction, his fingers brushing through her hair absentmindedly. "can we have a baby?"

he has to pause the game after that question, his whiskey eyes wide and caught off guard. scotland giggles at his reaction, pressing a kiss to the dip between his collarbone, "not right now, silly! but one day, can we?"

they'd never really talked about kids. dylan knew she wanted a few, having grown up with a large family, but they were both at the high of their career and never had time to imagine little hands and feet.

"one day." he promises gently, "i'd like that."

[feisties]

choose your own adventure

pairing: blue sargent x henry chang x richard gansey iii prompt: college AU word count: 1,107 warnings: none notes: #13 from this, written for nonbinarycasmund. it’s a tiny bit different from the original prompt but i hope you like it!

There’s a lot of things from living on a co-ed floor that Blue can tolerate. She can live with the kitschy pranks, the perpetual smell of weed, and the occasional excessive banging of a headboard against a wall. She can even learn to appreciate the stilted but well-meaning greetings with acquaintances in the bathroom. But she reaches her breaking point tonight.

Tonight, someone is playing the song September on their floor.

Loudly.

On repeat.

The worst part is that the music plays in surround-sound; the source of the song keeps moving from one spot to the other. It sounds almost as if the band Earth, Wind, and Fire is wandering around hopelessly on the fourth floor of a university dormitory with no way out.

She starts to go crazy around the tenth time the song replays—who’s counting? She certainly isn’t—but after the eighteenth play there’s finally a long, forgiving silence, like maybe the source has decided to put itself out of its own misery. 

She breathes out a heavy sigh of relief.

Then the beginning of September plays for the nineteenth time.

It’s basically an invitation for homicide, at this point.

/

Blue’s already climbing out of her bed on the twenty-second play, ready to search everyone’s room and possibly commit arson, when someone knocks at her door.

The knocks come fast, frantic, and utterly without consideration for the person on the receiving end. When she swings open the door, a male voice immediately blurts: “Do you have our roomba?”

Blue blinks. 

There’s not just one male standing in front of her, but two of them. Unfortunately for her, they’re both upsettingly handsome, wearing pajama bottoms and threadbare T-shirts which hang off their shoulders in ways that she hates herself for admiring. One of them watches her behind pretentious wide-rimmed wire glasses and the other has an astonishing amount of product in what looks like gravity-defying hair, despite it being midnight. 

The two of them are looking right back at Blue with the same startled curiosity, like she’s an alien species or perhaps a small, missing lap dog that’s run away from home. Either way, there’s a hint of a feral fascination behind the poor attempt not to gawk.

“What?” she squeaks.

The one in the glasses recomposes himself fairly quickly, with an easy, charming tilt to his mouth. 

The one with the giant hair seems to make no indication of recomposing himself and smiles rakishly. 

“I like your pajamas,” he says.

This time Blue gawks.

She is suddenly, horribly, vividly aware of the cat print on her pajama bottoms, and even more aware of how both boys’ eyes flicker to the spot where her shorts meet her bare legs. The simultaneous urges to blush violently, preen under their gazes, and yell at them for staring makes her so apoplectic she can barely breathe.

She finally manages, “Excuse me?”

“Sorry about him,” says the other boy wearily without additional explanation, seemingly pulling himself out of his own reverie, but the way he’s peering down at her now over the gold rims of his glasses suggests that his apology may not have been all that sincere. “We’re being extremely rude for knocking on your door this late. I’m Gansey. This is my roommate, Henry. And your name is…?”

“Blue. Blue Sargent.”

He regards her. 

“Are you sure?”

She sputters. “Am I sure about my name?”

“You look like a Jane to me,” he says thoughtfully. “Is Jane your middle name, by any chance?”

Once again overcome by seething disbelief, she doesn’t answer.

“So, Blue Sargent,” Henry interjects with his alarming energy, “as I mentioned, we’re looking for our roomba.”

“Your roomba,” Blue repeats.

“Yes,” says Gansey. His smile indicates that he has all the time in the world, but the faint sound of September playing for twenty-third time clearly pinches at the edges of his mouth. He looks a bit wan, almost apologetic. “Perhaps you’ve heard of it. It’s a mobile vacuum cleaner. It runs on its own.”

“I know what a roomba is,” she answers crossly. 

“You might also have heard the music playing on repeat—”

“Oh, that?” Her voice is only a little scathing, but both boys flinch in front of her like they’ve been slapped. “Yeah, I might have heard it around a few times.”

“It’s connected by bluetooth,” Henry explains. “We’ve been playing music to find it.”

“And you needed to find it in the middle of the night.”

“I suppose we did,” Gansey answers breezily, but the edges of his voice are clipped, as if it actually is a concern of his that he’s refusing to voice out of courtesy.

There’s only one dignified response to that answer: it’s a loud, long-suffering sigh that she indulges in with an emphasis that’s not entirely necessary but wholly deserved.

It doesn’t seem to be having its usual effect.

Henry seemingly pushes past it with a determined geniality. He leans a lazy, tanned arm against her door frame and surveys her room enthusiastically. 

“So. Is the roomba in your room?”

She chokes out a strangled laugh. “Do you think it’s here?”

“Do you have any information on its whereabouts?” Henry presses. “Have you seen it nearby?”

“I—no.”

In the distance, the song fades out. 

Then the guitar in the opening sequence blares tinnily for the twenty-fourth time.

“God, at this point, I’ll go find it myself,” Blue cries without meaning to.

She regrets the words the instant they leave her mouth. 

Two pairs of eyes snap to hers.

“Jane,” Gansey says. “That’s a fantastic sentiment.”

Blue blanches. “It was a joke.”

Their heads tilt pensively at the same time to study her, boyish and unabashed. She has a vague feeling that she should be annoyed, but for some reason she can’t muster up the energy to bristle. In fact, she might even be a little charmed by how bright their expressions are. 

She’ll blame it on being sleep deprived.

“Blue Sargent,” Henry says solemnly, “how would you like to go roomba-hunting with us?”

There are a million reasons to say no. But the way the two of them are pouting at her, shamelessly hopeful and a little juvenile, makes her forget most of those reasons. It’s—unexpectedly disarming. 

Then Henry’s tongue darts out to wet his lips, and something flexes in Gansey’s forearms when he crosses his arms across his body which—okay, is an unfair amount of disarming. A criminal amount of disarming. Especially at once.

“We’re great company,” adds Henry, flashing bright, white teeth at her.

“And then we’ll make it up to you,” Gansey promises.

The sincerity of his tone is just enough to convince her. And from the way they exchange glances, conspiratorially, meaningfully, and fix lingering looks at the way she folds a leg over the other, she has a feeling that they’ll make it up to her in very thorough, voluntary ways.

Well. It wasn’t really like she was going to get much sleep tonight, anyway.

Blue huffs. 

She tucks her arms across her chest.

She pinches her mouth together to suppress a smirk.

“It sounds like the music is coming from the left,” she says finally, hiking up an eyebrow. She slips between the two of them and the warmth from both bodies feels exciting. Worth the late night, she thinks grudgingly. “And close the door behind you, would you?”

/

[yearsblog]

How do you follow up a smash hit album that, in your native country alone, sold over a quarter of a million copies, spent two weeks at Number 1 (and didn’t budge from the Top 40 for over a year), spawned both a Number 1 (which itself sold just shy of a million copies) and a Number 2 single, and earned you four Brit Award nominations? With a bit of time and patience, it seems – or at least that’s how Years & Years have done it. The London-based, British-Australian trio’s second studio album ‘Palo Santo’, the follow up to 2015’s banger-filled, world-beating debut ‘Communion’, which put singer Olly Alexander and multi-instrumentalists Emre Türkmen and Mikey Goldsworthy on the proverbial map, has just been unleashed onto the world and currently boasts a handsome score of 82 on Metacritic, a 14-point increase on their previous offering. They may have, by their own admission, suffered from a little Difficult Second Album Syndrome, but the numbers don’t lie – their patience in crafting this record has absolutely paid off.

In reality, it’s not been an inordinately long wait for Years & Years fans, just three years, almost to the day – shorter than we were made to wait for recent sophomore offerings from Lorde, HAIM, Sam Smith and London Grammar. We meet for our interview on the third anniversary of the release of ‘Communion’,four days after ‘Palo Santo’ dropped, on the afternoon of the London instalment of the brief run of gigs across Europe and North America that are serving as the album’s launch parties. Despite being in the middle of a mad release week, packed with media appearances and album promotion, there’s little sign of fatigue from the band. The mayhem of the day hasn’t yet gotten to Emre, who has the clarity of mind to quickly fix an issue with our Polaroid camera, nor Olly, who is supposedly on vocal rest ahead of the performance, but voluntarily sings lines of ‘Sanctify’ as we snap our pictures. With his hair freshly re-dyed red, he’s in a chipper mood. “We can’t wait to be inside you,” he offers as his message to fans in New Zealand, before rethinking his contribution: “Bit weird.” Similarly cheeky humour comes from the stage late in that night's set: “I’m really wet,” he tells the adoring crowd, adding, “Sign of a good night, if you ask me.” There’s no shortage of banter on this promo circus.

If the magic took a little time to return during their writing and recording sessions in the British countryside last year, you wouldn’t notice from listening to ‘Palo Santo’, a record that manages to capture an unmistakeable Years & Years sound, while also pushing them into new territory. There’s particularly noticeable progress in the lyrics: whereas on ‘Communion’, the tracks often sounded as if Olly was writing them while looking directly into the eyes of their subjects, ignoring all surroundings and speaking purely from the heart, on ‘Palo Santo’, the lens is widened and we’re given more context, as well as a greater sense of space and time, to aid our understanding of each of these relationships and encounters. This advancement is particularly evident on ’Lucky Escape’ (in which a bitter scroll through an ex’s Instagram leads to a disparaging sense of relief at having ended things) and the title track (about the complicated experience of being the third party in an open relationship), each about different, yet fully-realised romantic partners.

This lyrical evolution is also apparent on first single ‘Sanctify’, the tale of a fling with a straight-identifying man, suggesting that a discrepancy in two partners’ confidence in their respective sexualities can lead to an interesting power-play in the bedroom. Despite the erotic thrill of the track, Olly’s writing manages to remain sympathetic to a man who “lately life’s been tearing […] apart." "I know how it can hurt / being cut in two and afraid,” he discloses, with surprising depth and warmth for a song so carnal. He’s a lyricist of great heart, trying to make sense of troubled men who are in turn trying to make sense of themselves, even if the romantic relationship he has with them doesn’t extend beyond the bedroom.

Olly’s background as an actor has gained new relevance with the release of ‘Palo Santo’, which sees him take a lead role in the accompanying short film and reteam with co-stars from his years on stage and screen. Before Years & Years properly got going, it was for supporting roles in films like ‘God Help The Girl’, ‘The Riot Club’ and (as Mikey teasingly reminds Olly during our interview) ‘Gulliver’s Travels’ that Olly became a recognisable face. He even featured opposite Greta Gerwig, the future Oscar-nominated director of ‘Lady Bird’, in the tiny 2011 indie ‘The Dish and The Spoon’, and could often be found on the London stage, turning in a string of critically-praised performances in plays between 2010 and 2013. The final play in which he appeared was John Logan’s ‘Peter & Alice’, which imagined the meeting between the two real life inspirations behind ‘Alice in Wonderland’ and ‘Peter Pan’, played by Dame Judi Dench and Ben Whishaw respectively. In cutaways to the fictional world created by J.M. Barrie, Olly played Peter Pan, fighting for his right to exist despite the wishes of his non-fictional counterpart, Peter Llewelyn Davies, that his life hadn’t been stolen from him by Barrie.

Jump forward five years and these three co-stars are reunited in another fantasy world in which Olly is a different kind of exceptional boy at the mercy of older powers, striving to assert his individuality. Dench is now the cryptic “mother of Palo Santo,” and Whishaw, who also appeared in one of the earliest Years & Years videos, for ‘Real’, makes a fleeting appearance as a hologram, giving an announcement to the city’s inhabitants. The film, shot in Thailand, is wild and ambitious in a way that, away from the output of the Beyoncés and Gagas of the A-list, pop often isn’t anymore. It also gives Olly the chance to sink his teeth into a role beyond just a dialogue-less, short-form music video. His character, also named Olly Alexander, is made to perform repeatedly for audiences, before growing tired and dismayed with being exploited and finding a way to explore his emotions away from the control of others.

Tonight, it’s on another London stage, a couple of miles north of the one they previously shared, that Olly and Dame Judi are reunited. Her voice is woven through the band’s live show at Camden’s Roundhouse, just as it is through the film. The iconic 83-year-old Oscar-winner’s narration has become an integral part of this project, but those hoping for an appearance from the Dame herself tonight are left disappointed, but probably not surprised, at her absence – she remains a formless, floating voice, just as in the world of Palo Santo.

But what does ‘Palo Santo’ actually mean? Despite its placement as the penultimate song on the album, the title track is the record’s centrepiece, a meditative and powerful cut more mature than anything found on their previous LP, on which Olly cries out, “You’re the darkness in me, Palo Santo.” In its most literal sense, the title comes from the name of the thick, wooden incense blocks that the party in the open relationship with whom Olly was involved was burning during their time together. The direct translation is, somewhat amusingly, ‘holy wood’, and their vapours are said to purify the air and cleanse it of evil and darkness.

But such is the expansive universe that the three-piece have built around this two-word term that it now carries several possible interpretations beyond the literal. Alternatively, ‘Palo Santo’ could be a moniker for this man himself, and the short-lived love triangle relationship, which perhaps represents a time of darkness for Olly.

Given the double use of ‘Palo Santo’ as the title of the record and of the futuristic, android world of the accompanying short film, a couple of further, more meta readings avail themselves to us. ‘Palo Santo’ the album could contain the darkness in Olly, with many songs, such as ‘Lucky Escape’, ‘All For You’ and ‘If You’re Over Me’, depicting him at challenging moments following a break-up, as he attempts to power through and come out on top of love rather than be defeated by it.

The world of Palo Santo seen in the film also has a strong connection to a possible darkness within Olly, as it explores the intersection of disconnect and emotionlessness with sensuality and performance. “The divine, amazing and incredible Olly Alexander”, as he is introduced by the Showman character, is one of very few non-androids in Palo Santo, and the androids, as we learn from the Star Wars-esque pre-scroll in Fred Rowson’s film, “desire nothing more than to experience real emotion,” which feels resonant with Olly’s outspoken discussion of his own mental health struggles. When taken alongside songs like ‘Hallelujah’and ‘Rendezvous’, which tell of rather non-committal sexual encounters, we see the same topics in ‘Palo Santo’ that Olly explored last year in his BBC documentary ‘Growing Up Gay’, of how struggles with mental health are sadly pervasive within the queer community.

In the live performance, it’s during ‘Palo Santo’ that Olly, donning a sparkly robe of almost ten metres in length, is raised up on a platform in front of a huge moon, a star ascending across a dark night. It’s a triumphant, almost unbelievable moment of spectacle meeting emotion. There may be “darkness” in this album, but it’s notably never in the form of sadness, and almost entirely hidden in joyous moments of pure pop. In their live show, Years & Years take the chance to show this overcoming of difficulty and adversity through a visual metaphor that literally grows before the audience’s eyes, and it’s an awesome sight to behold.

Despite being a Palo Santo Party, their setlist is equally balanced between their two albums. The newer cuts – such as the snappy ‘Karma’ and thumping ‘Hallelujah’, both just days old to fans – are received ecstatically, and the familiar hits bring some of the night’s most notable moments. Olly is briefly distracted by his front row devotees during ‘Take Shelter’ and stumbles to the end of a verse, before later bringing out an Italian fan who, thanks to the Make A Wish Foundation, gets to sit with him at the piano as he plays ‘Eyes Shut’, leading to one of the night’s biggest cheers. It’s when MNEK returns to the stage for the encore, following his spritely support set, for the debut of a new duet called ‘Valentino’, that the night hits peak gay, much to the fans’ delight. A Latin-flavoured bop telling of an infatuation with a boy “from the outskirts of East LA,” it owes a generous debt to Lady Gaga’s ‘Americano’ (a 2011 album track which opens “I met a girl in East LA…”), as well as the best of 90s girl-band R&B. Fingers crossed we get a studio version ASAP.

Earlier that day, we spoke to Years & Years about developing their songwriting for ‘Palo Santo’, avoiding sadness on a break-up record, when they expect they’ll finally be coming to New Zealand, and much more…

COUP DE MAIN: So it’s three years today since ‘Communion’ came out. EMRE TÜRKMEN: Is it? CDM: It is, happy birthday to it! How has release week been different this time around? OLLY ALEXANDER: It’s similar in the sense that I can’t remember much of it, because we’ve been so all over the place. I guess this time round, you’re… MIKEY GOLDSWORTHY: More of a veteran? OLLY: Yeah, I guess. First time around, I felt like I was hit by a truck. Not in a bad way, not in a negative way, just because it’s so overwhelming. But I think now I feel more grateful that fans have stuck around and that people like the new music. Because you can never take it for granted, can you? What about you guys? EMRE: The first time felt more intense, actually, I seem to remember. Because you know what to expect, in a certain way, it’s less mental. MIKEY: We’re doing similar things. We did [BBC Radio 2 show] Chris Evans last time. We did three countries in one day. CDM: Did you have a big launch show like this one? MIKEY: Not a big one, it was in a little club near Oxford Street. OLLY: We didn’t do anything in America though, did we? I think this time, we tried to do Palo Santo parties, like, East Coast and West Coast America, Berlin and here, so in that sense it’s been way more ambitious. Generally, I think we tried to be a bit more ambitious this time around.

CDM: There seems to be a real progression in your lyrics on this record. They’re more precise and specific than they were on ‘Communion’, and even involve some clever wordplay, particularly on ‘straight’ and ‘mask/masc’ on ‘Sanctify’. Did you approach writing lyrics differently this time around? OLLY: Yeah. Songwriting, especially lyrics – the more you do it, the more you uncover and the more you learn about your own process. The stuff that you write when you’re 20 is going to be different from the stuff you write when you’re 25, which is going to be different from the stuff you write when you’re 27. So I think, by its very nature, it develops and changes. But just as a human being, I feel more confident to write the shit that I actually have in my head. Not that it felt like I was stopping myself before, but I think it made a difference feeling more confident in myself this time around.

THE NEW SONG WE’RE MOST EXCITED TO PLAY LIVE IS…

CDM: I think my favourite song on the album is ‘Karma’, which grapples with whether what you’ve done in the past will lead to good or bad fortune in the future. (“No I can’t tell what’s right or wrong / Is there a consequence for all I’ve done?”) Was there something you were trying to answer about the role that guilt has in your life, and whether it’s worth holding onto? OLLY: I guess there’s some specifics that I relate to my own life. Some of those are to do with relationships, some of those are to do with my childhood, and generally about morality and, like, is karma real? And that song, the beginning of the session, I was writing with my friend Sarah Hudson who’s amazing and she’s very like witchy and into like occults and esoteric stuff, and she did a reading for us at the beginning and one of the cards was called ‘karma’ and we were like,“Oh, yes! Let’s write a song called ‘Karma’.”

CDM: How was the experience of writing with Julia Michaels and Justin Tranter on ‘Hallelujah’ and ‘Preacher’? OLLY: Oh, good! It was kind of intense because they’re songwriting royalty. I had the head of our label call me up before the session, because everyone was freaking out. They think if you put people in a room, you’re going to come out with a number one song, and there’s so much pressure on it to be good. So I was quite nervous to meet them, but they’re so warm and so inviting. Julia’s a legend too, but because Justin has had such a trailblazing, queer career and because he’s such a queer force in songwriting and in pop music, I was really humbled to be in his presence. And it was fun, you know, it was nice to work with them because you get to see into another writer’s process. I had no idea if my ideas or the stuff that I’ve been doing as a songwriter was any good, and then when I worked with them, I realised that they do similar things, and I was like,“Okay, this is nice, to be able to do this.” And we got a good song out of it!

MY FAVOURITE SONG WRITTEN BY JULIA MICHAELS AND JUSTIN TRANTER IS…

CDM: ‘Palo Santo’ seems to be very much a post-relationship record, with ‘If You’re Over Me’, ‘All For You’ and ‘Lucky Escape’ – as well as the Kele Okereke song that you featured on last year, Olly, ‘Grounds For Resentment’ – detailing how an ex can continue to occupy space in your mind and life once the relationship is over. It’s kind of lacking in heartbreak, unlike most break-up records we hear. Were there sadder songs you wrote for the record that didn’t make the cut? OLLY: I’m trying to think now. MIKEY: There were slower songs. I don’t know if they were sad. OLLY: We had a lot of songs, and then whittled them down. The ones we put on the album felt like the strongest ones. It wasn’t until I saw them together as a group like that where I realised the theme did feel like looking back on a relationship and trying to sort of dig through the shit that happened and feeling sort of angry and frustrated about that, but in a place of empowerment rather than feeling destroyed by it.

CDM: Olly, you’ve described ‘Lucky Escape’ as a petty song. Do you think that pettiness is a necessary, or helpful, part of the post-break-up experience? OLLY: Kind of! I think that I really, really bite my tongue in arguments with people, and I never say the thing I wish I’d said. But in a song, you have way more time! <laughs> MIKEY: It’s annoying when you have an argument and you go back and you’re like, “Ah, I should’ve said that! I would’ve sounded so smart!”

CDM: Olly, you gave Rihanna the first LP of ‘Palo Santo’ after you appeared with her on The Graham Norton Show. So say she’s scouting for new writers for her next album, and just one song from the record could be your calling card, which one would you want her to listen to and think, “I want him to write for me”? OLLY: I’m trying to imagine myself as Rihanna and think what she would like. Maybe ‘Palo Santo’. I’m just proud of the song and the songwriting on that. It’s quite unusual for a pop song. I guess you can argue, “What the fuck is a pop song?” But maybe that one. I feel like she might vibe with that.

CDM: ‘Palo Santo’ is so ambitious and high-concept, in a way that you don’t see many other British artists attempting or getting away with. It seems to come more naturally to American artists like Janelle Monáe and Halsey. Do you think there’s something about British culture that makes it easy to ridicule or be cynical about these sorts of ideas? OLLY: There’s some truth to that, I expect. MIKEY: David Bowie was British and did a lot of that kind of stuff. EMRE: I mean, I think the first concept album of all time was The Beatles. <laughs> Pink Floyd springs to mind… CDM: I guess I mean more in the present. OLLY: But you’re right, I agree. MIKEY: I know what you mean, Americans seem more confident with not caring what other people think. British people always seem to scrutinise other British people. Australians have inherited a little bit of that culture, as well. Especially in Melbourne. OLLY: Brits can be cynical, but I like that about being British. I guess you could say Americans definitely go for bells and whistles and big statements, and are generally considered more ambitious. CDM: Was there ever a concern about people not getting on board with it? OLLY: Yeah, I was worried all the time. But I realised that I was the best salesperson for the project, so I was telling everyone it was going to be so amazing. I went into the label and gave them a PowerPoint presentation about how everything was going to look and all the videos and the merchandise and the live show. I compensated feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing by being extra, extra, extra confident on the surface. <laughs>

HOW YOU GET TO PALO SANTO…

CDM: You’ve reteamed with your former co-star Judi Dench for the narration on ‘Palo Santo’, which is quite abstract – did she have much of an idea of what it was she was saying? OLLY: Yeah! Well, I said to her that she was the queen of androids. She’s sort of like the mother of Palo Santo, so she’s like this omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent – all three – character within Palo Santo, but she’s also kind of serving a poetic Beyoncé voiceover in ‘Lemonade’. So I told her all of that, and I think she was a bit like, “What the fuck?” But she loved it. She was like, “Are you telling me I’m old? Like an old android?” And I was like, “No!” So she was a bit upset about that. But she killed it!

CDM: Back when you were acting, Olly, you played quite a few innocent or corrupted boys dealing with something traumatic, however your character in ‘Palo Santo’ is more powerful and strong, even though he’s in a subordinate role. How much of an impact did being cast in those sorts of roles have on how you saw yourself, and are you trying to push back against that image of yourself now? OLLY: I mean, you put it in a really good way, actually. When you’re acting, you’re just taking the world that you’re given and you don’t really have much choice in the matter. In that sense, I found it quite creatively stifling, because you’re just doing someone else’s work and you’re playing [roles] other people are putting you into. But even when I look at the music videos we did for ‘Communion’, like ‘King’… I guess by the time we got to ‘Worship’ it had shifted, but in all our music videos, I’m getting thrown around, or beaten up, or in ‘Shine’a building collapses on me. I got more and more dissatisfied with being passive, and I think part of the reason I wanted to make a film of ‘Palo Santo’ was so that I could embody a character I would want to be.

CDM: The film has a pretty ambiguous ending, with your character onstage, unable to sing. Will we get to see more of this world, will it be expanded? OLLY: Yes, it will be. As soon as the label give us more money! <laughs> MIKEY: It’s expensive, Palo Santo.

CDM: When can we expect to FINALLY have you play in New Zealand? Because there was the whole situation in 2016 with the cancelled shows… OLLY: I know… It wasn’t our fault! MIKEY: Wait, what happened with that again? OLLY: It was the Ellie Goulding support slot. [The band had to pull out of the Australia and New Zealand leg of Ellie Goulding’s Delirium tour due to logistical difficulties.] MIKEY: Oh, sorry, yeah! My family bought tickets, so I owe them all, like, a hundred quid. There’s talk of next year. I mean, don’t quote me on this, which you will. <laughs>But there’s talk of Oceania/Asia vibes next year. That would make sense. I can pretty much 100% say we won’t be in New Zealand this year. OLLY: I really hope when we go that we get some actual time to spend there, and not just, like, one day. MIKEY: Yeah, it’s beautiful. One of the best-looking countries.

MY FAVOURITE THING ABOUT EMRE IS…

MY FAVOURITE THING ABOUT MIKEY IS…

MY FAVOURITE THING ABOUT OLLY IS…

‘Palo Santo’ is available now. You can watch the accompanying short film below:

[ollyarchive]

INTERVIEW: YEARS & YEARS ON THE WORLD OF 'PALO SANTO', THE DIFFICULT SECOND ALBUM AND DAME JUDI DENCH.                                          

24th August 2018 by

Rory Horne

How do you follow up a smash hit album that, in your native country alone, sold over a quarter of a million copies, spent two weeks at Number 1 (and didn’t budge from the Top 40 for over a year), spawned both a Number 1 (which itself sold just shy of a million copies) and a Number 2 single, and earned you four Brit Award nominations? With a bit of time and patience, it seems – or at least that’s how Years & Years have done it. The London-based, British-Australian trio’s second studio album ‘Palo Santo’, the follow up to 2015’s banger-filled, world-beating debut ‘Communion’, which put singer Olly Alexander and multi-instrumentalists Emre Türkmen and Mikey Goldsworthy on the proverbial map, has just been unleashed onto the world and currently boasts a handsome score of 82 on Metacritic, a 14-point increase on their previous offering. They may have, by their own admission, suffered from a little Difficult Second Album Syndrome, but the numbers don’t lie – their patience in crafting this record has absolutely paid off.

In reality, it’s not been an inordinately long wait for Years & Years fans, just three years, almost to the day – shorter than we were made to wait for recent sophomore offerings from Lorde, HAIM, Sam Smith and London Grammar. We meet for our interview on the third anniversary of the release of ‘Communion’, four days after ‘Palo Santo’ dropped, on the afternoon of the London instalment of the brief run of gigs across Europe and North America that are serving as the album’s launch parties. Despite being in the middle of a mad release week, packed with media appearances and album promotion, there’s little sign of fatigue from the band. The mayhem of the day hasn’t yet gotten to Emre, who has the clarity of mind to quickly fix an issue with our Polaroid camera, nor Olly, who is supposedly on vocal rest ahead of the performance, but voluntarily sings lines of ‘Sanctify’ as we snap our pictures. With his hair freshly re-dyed red, he’s in a chipper mood. “We can’t wait to be inside you,” he offers as his message to fans in New Zealand, before rethinking his contribution: “Bit weird.” Similarly cheeky humour comes from the stage late in that night's set: “I’m really wet,” he tells the adoring crowd, adding, “Sign of a good night, if you ask me.” There’s no shortage of banter on this promo circus.

If the magic took a little time to return during their writing and recording sessions in the British countryside last year, you wouldn’t notice from listening to ‘Palo Santo’, a record that manages to capture an unmistakeable Years & Years sound, while also pushing them into new territory. There’s particularly noticeable progress in the lyrics: whereas on ‘Communion’, the tracks often sounded as if Olly was writing them while looking directly into the eyes of their subjects, ignoring all surroundings and speaking purely from the heart, on ‘Palo Santo’, the lens is widened and we’re given more context, as well as a greater sense of space and time, to aid our understanding of each of these relationships and encounters. This advancement is particularly evident on 'Lucky Escape' (in which a bitter scroll through an ex’s Instagram leads to a disparaging sense of relief at having ended things) and the title track (about the complicated experience of being the third party in an open relationship), each about different, yet fully-realised romantic partners.

This lyrical evolution is also apparent on first single ‘Sanctify’, the tale of a fling with a straight-identifying man, suggesting that a discrepancy in two partners’ confidence in their respective sexualities can lead to an interesting power-play in the bedroom. Despite the erotic thrill of the track, Olly's writing manages to remain sympathetic to a man who "lately life's been tearing [...] apart." "I know how it can hurt / being cut in two and afraid," he discloses, with surprising depth and warmth for a song so carnal. He's a lyricist of great heart, trying to make sense of troubled men who are in turn trying to make sense of themselves, even if the romantic relationship he has with them doesn't extend beyond the bedroom.

Olly’s background as an actor has gained new relevance with the release of ‘Palo Santo’, which sees him take a lead role in the accompanying short film and reteam with co-stars from his years on stage and screen. Before Years & Years properly got going, it was for supporting roles in films like ‘God Help The Girl’, ‘The Riot Club’ and (as Mikey teasingly reminds Olly during our interview) ‘Gulliver’s Travels’ that Olly became a recognisable face. He even featured opposite Greta Gerwig, the future Oscar-nominated director of ‘Lady Bird’, in the tiny 2011 indie ‘The Dish and The Spoon’, and could often be found on the London stage, turning in a string of critically-praised performances in plays between 2010 and 2013. The final play in which he appeared was John Logan’s ‘Peter & Alice’, which imagined the meeting between the two real life inspirations behind ‘Alice in Wonderland’ and ‘Peter Pan’, played by Dame Judi Dench and Ben Whishaw respectively. In cutaways to the fictional world created by J.M. Barrie, Olly played Peter Pan, fighting for his right to exist despite the wishes of his non-fictional counterpart, Peter Llewelyn Davies, that his life hadn’t been stolen from him by Barrie.

Jump forward five years and these three co-stars are reunited in another fantasy world in which Olly is a different kind of exceptional boy at the mercy of older powers, striving to assert his individuality. Dench is now the cryptic “mother of Palo Santo,” and Whishaw, who also appeared in one of the earliest Years & Years videos, for ‘Real’, makes a fleeting appearance as a hologram, giving an announcement to the city’s inhabitants. The film, shot in Thailand, is wild and ambitious in a way that, away from the output of the Beyoncés and Gagas of the A-list, pop often isn’t anymore. It also gives Olly the chance to sink his teeth into a role beyond just a dialogue-less, short-form music video. His character, also named Olly Alexander, is made to perform repeatedly for audiences, before growing tired and dismayed with being exploited and finding a way to explore his emotions away from the control of others.

Tonight, it’s on another London stage, a couple of miles north of the one they previously shared, that Olly and Dame Judi are reunited. Her voice is woven through the band’s live show at Camden’s Roundhouse, just as it is through the film. The iconic 83-year-old Oscar-winner’s narration has become an integral part of this project, but those hoping for an appearance from the Dame herself tonight are left disappointed, but probably not surprised, at her absence – she remains a formless, floating voice, just as in the world of Palo Santo.

But what does ‘Palo Santo’ actually mean? Despite its placement as the penultimate song on the album, the title track is the record’s centrepiece, a meditative and powerful cut more mature than anything found on their previous LP, on which Olly cries out, “You’re the darkness in me, Palo Santo.” In its most literal sense, the title comes from the name of the thick, wooden incense blocks that the party in the open relationship with whom Olly was involved was burning during their time together. The direct translation is, somewhat amusingly, ‘holy wood’, and their vapours are said to purify the air and cleanse it of evil and darkness.

But such is the expansive universe that the three-piece have built around this two-word term that it now carries several possible interpretations beyond the literal. Alternatively, ‘Palo Santo’ could be a moniker for this man himself, and the short-lived love triangle relationship, which perhaps represents a time of darkness for Olly.

Given the double use of ‘Palo Santo’ as the title of the record and of the futuristic, android world of the accompanying short film, a couple of further, more meta readings avail themselves to us. ‘Palo Santo’ the album could contain the darkness in Olly, with many songs, such as ‘Lucky Escape’, ‘All For You’ and ‘If You’re Over Me’, depicting him at challenging moments following a break-up, as he attempts to power through and come out on top of love rather than be defeated by it.

The world of Palo Santo seen in the film also has a strong connection to a possible darkness within Olly, as it explores the intersection of disconnect and emotionlessness with sensuality and performance. “The divine, amazing and incredible Olly Alexander”, as he is introduced by the Showman character, is one of very few non-androids in Palo Santo, and the androids, as we learn from the Star Wars-esque pre-scroll in Fred Rowson’s film, “desire nothing more than to experience real emotion,” which feels resonant with Olly’s outspoken discussion of his own mental health struggles. When taken alongside songs like ‘Hallelujah’ and ‘Rendezvous’, which tell of rather non-committal sexual encounters, we see the same topics in ‘Palo Santo’ that Olly explored last year in his BBC documentary ‘Growing Up Gay’, of how struggles with mental health are sadly pervasive within the queer community.

In the live performance, it’s during ‘Palo Santo’ that Olly, donning a sparkly robe of almost ten metres in length, is raised up on a platform in front of a huge moon, a star ascending across a dark night. It’s a triumphant, almost unbelievable moment of spectacle meeting emotion. There may be “darkness” in this album, but it’s notably never in the form of sadness, and almost entirely hidden in joyous moments of pure pop. In their live show, Years & Years take the chance to show this overcoming of difficulty and adversity through a visual metaphor that literally grows before the audience’s eyes, and it’s an awesome sight to behold.

Despite being a Palo Santo Party, their setlist is equally balanced between their two albums. The newer cuts – such as the snappy ‘Karma’ and thumping ‘Hallelujah’, both just days old to fans – are received ecstatically, and the familiar hits bring some of the night’s most notable moments. Olly is briefly distracted by his front row devotees during ‘Take Shelter’ and stumbles to the end of a verse, before later bringing out an Italian fan who, thanks to the Make A Wish Foundation, gets to sit with him at the piano as he plays ‘Eyes Shut’, leading to one of the night’s biggest cheers. It's when MNEK returns to the stage for the encore, following his spritely support set, for the debut of a new duet called ‘Valentino’, that the night hits peak gay, much to the fans’ delight. A Latin-flavoured bop telling of an infatuation with a boy “from the outskirts of East LA,” it owes a generous debt to Lady Gaga’s ‘Americano’ (a 2011 album track which opens “I met a girl in East LA...”), as well as the best of 90s girl-band R&B. Fingers crossed we get a studio version ASAP.

Earlier that day, we spoke to Years & Years about developing their songwriting for ‘Palo Santo’, avoiding sadness on a break-up record, when they expect they’ll finally be coming to New Zealand, and much more…

COUP DE MAIN: So it’s three years today since ‘Communion’ came out. EMRE TÜRKMEN: Is it? CDM: It is, happy birthday to it! How has release week been different this time around? OLLY ALEXANDER: It’s similar in the sense that I can’t remember much of it, because we’ve been so all over the place. I guess this time round, you’re… MIKEY GOLDSWORTHY:More of a veteran? OLLY: Yeah, I guess. First time around, I felt like I was hit by a truck. Not in a bad way, not in a negative way, just because it’s so overwhelming. But I think now I feel more grateful that fans have stuck around and that people like the new music. Because you can never take it for granted, can you? What about you guys? EMRE: The first time felt more intense, actually, I seem to remember. Because you know what to expect, in a certain way, it’s less mental. MIKEY: We’re doing similar things. We did [BBC Radio 2 show] Chris Evans last time. We did three countries in one day. CDM: Did you have a big launch show like this one? MIKEY: Not a big one, it was in a little club near Oxford Street. OLLY: We didn’t do anything in America though, did we? I think this time, we tried to do Palo Santo parties, like, East Coast and West Coast America, Berlin and here, so in that sense it’s been way more ambitious. Generally, I think we tried to be a bit more ambitious this time around.

CDM: There seems to be a real progression in your lyrics on this record. They’re more precise and specific than they were on ‘Communion’, and even involve some clever wordplay, particularly on ‘straight’ and ‘mask/masc’ on ‘Sanctify’. Did you approach writing lyrics differently this time around? OLLY: Yeah. Songwriting, especially lyrics – the more you do it, the more you uncover and the more you learn about your own process. The stuff that you write when you’re 20 is going to be different from the stuff you write when you’re 25, which is going to be different from the stuff you write when you’re 27. So I think, by its very nature, it develops and changes. But just as a human being, I feel more confident to write the shit that I actually have in my head. Not that it felt like I was stopping myself before, but I think it made a difference feeling more confident in myself this time around.

CDM: I think my favourite song on the album is ‘Karma’, which grapples with whether what you’ve done in the past will lead to good or bad fortune in the future. (“No I can’t tell what’s right or wrong / Is there a consequence for all I’ve done?”) Was there something you were trying to answer about the role that guilt has in your life, and whether it’s worth holding onto? OLLY: I guess there’s some specifics that I relate to my own life. Some of those are to do with relationships, some of those are to do with my childhood, and generally about morality and, like, is karma real? And that song, the beginning of the session, I was writing with my friend Sarah Hudson who’s amazing and she’s very like witchy and into like occults and esoteric stuff, and she did a reading for us at the beginning and one of the cards was called ‘karma’ and we were like, “Oh, yes! Let’s write a song called ‘Karma’.”

CDM: How was the experience of writing with Julia Michaels and Justin Tranter on ‘Hallelujah’ and ‘Preacher’? OLLY: Oh, good! It was kind of intense because they’re songwriting royalty. I had the head of our label call me up before the session, because everyone was freaking out. They think if you put people in a room, you’re going to come out with a number one song, and there’s so much pressure on it to be good. So I was quite nervous to meet them, but they’re so warm and so inviting. Julia’s a legend too, but because Justin has had such a trailblazing, queer career and because he’s such a queer force in songwriting and in pop music, I was really humbled to be in his presence. And it was fun, you know, it was nice to work with them because you get to see into another writer’s process. I had no idea if my ideas or the stuff that I’ve been doing as a songwriter was any good, and then when I worked with them, I realised that they do similar things, and I was like, “Okay, this is nice, to be able to do this.” And we got a good song out of it!

CDM: ‘Palo Santo’ seems to be very much a post-relationship record, with ‘If You’re Over Me’, ‘All For You’ and ‘Lucky Escape’ – as well as the Kele Okereke song that you featured on last year, Olly, ‘Grounds For Resentment’ – detailing how an ex can continue to occupy space in your mind and life once the relationship is over. It’s kind of lacking in heartbreak, unlike most break-up records we hear. Were there sadder songs you wrote for the record that didn’t make the cut? OLLY: I’m trying to think now. MIKEY: There were slower songs. I don’t know if they were sad. OLLY: We had a lot of songs, and then whittled them down. The ones we put on the album felt like the strongest ones. It wasn’t until I saw them together as a group like that where I realised the theme did feel like looking back on a relationship and trying to sort of dig through the shit that happened and feeling sort of angry and frustrated about that, but in a place of empowerment rather than feeling destroyed by it.

CDM: Olly, you’ve described ‘Lucky Escape’ as a petty song. Do you think that pettiness is a necessary, or helpful, part of the post-break-up experience? OLLY: Kind of! I think that I really, really bite my tongue in arguments with people, and I never say the thing I wish I’d said. But in a song, you have way more time! <laughs> MIKEY: It’s annoying when you have an argument and you go back and you’re like, “Ah, I should’ve said that! I would’ve sounded so smart!”

CDM: Olly, you gave Rihanna the first LP of ‘Palo Santo’ after you appeared with her on The Graham Norton Show. So say she’s scouting for new writers for her next album, and just one song from the record could be your calling card, which one would you want her to listen to and think, “I want him to write for me”? OLLY: I’m trying to imagine myself as Rihanna and think what she would like. Maybe ‘Palo Santo’. I’m just proud of the song and the songwriting on that. It’s quite unusual for a pop song. I guess you can argue, "What the fuck is a pop song?" But maybe that one. I feel like she might vibe with that.

CDM: ‘Palo Santo’ is so ambitious and high-concept, in a way that you don’t see many other British artists attempting or getting away with. It seems to come more naturally to American artists like Janelle Monáe and Halsey. Do you think there’s something about British culture that makes it easy to ridicule or be cynical about these sorts of ideas? OLLY: There’s some truth to that, I expect. MIKEY: David Bowie was British and did a lot of that kind of stuff. EMRE: I mean, I think the first concept album of all time was The Beatles. <laughs> Pink Floyd springs to mind… CDM: I guess I mean more in the present. OLLY: But you’re right, I agree. MIKEY: I know what you mean, Americans seem more confident with not caring what other people think. British people always seem to scrutinise other British people. Australians have inherited a little bit of that culture, as well. Especially in Melbourne. OLLY: Brits can be cynical, but I like that about being British. I guess you could say Americans definitely go for bells and whistles and big statements, and are generally considered more ambitious. CDM: Was there ever a concern about people not getting on board with it? OLLY: Yeah, I was worried all the time. But I realised that I was the best salesperson for the project, so I was telling everyone it was going to be so amazing. I went into the label and gave them a PowerPoint presentation about how everything was going to look and all the videos and the merchandise and the live show. I compensated feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing by being extra, extra, extra confident on the surface. <laughs>

CDM: You’ve reteamed with your former co-star Judi Dench for the narration on ‘Palo Santo’, which is quite abstract – did she have much of an idea of what it was she was saying? OLLY: Yeah! Well, I said to her that she was the queen of androids. She’s sort of like the mother of Palo Santo, so she’s like this omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent – all three – character within Palo Santo, but she’s also kind of serving a poetic Beyoncé voiceover in ‘Lemonade’. So I told her all of that, and I think she was a bit like, “What the fuck?” But she loved it. She was like, “Are you telling me I’m old? Like an old android?” And I was like, “No!” So she was a bit upset about that. But she killed it!

CDM: Back when you were acting, Olly, you played quite a few innocent or corrupted boys dealing with something traumatic, however your character in ‘Palo Santo’ is more powerful and strong, even though he’s in a subordinate role. How much of an impact did being cast in those sorts of roles have on how you saw yourself, and are you trying to push back against that image of yourself now? OLLY: I mean, you put it in a really good way, actually. When you’re acting, you’re just taking the world that you’re given and you don’t really have much choice in the matter. In that sense, I found it quite creatively stifling, because you’re just doing someone else’s work and you’re playing [roles] other people are putting you into. But even when I look at the music videos we did for ‘Communion’, like ‘King’… I guess by the time we got to ‘Worship’ it had shifted, but in all our music videos, I’m getting thrown around, or beaten up, or in ‘Shine’ a building collapses on me. I got more and more dissatisfied with being passive, and I think part of the reason I wanted to make a film of ‘Palo Santo’ was so that I could embody a character I would want to be.

CDM: The film has a pretty ambiguous ending, with your character onstage, unable to sing. Will we get to see more of this world, will it be expanded? OLLY: Yes, it will be. As soon as the label give us more money! <laughs> MIKEY: It’s expensive, Palo Santo.

CDM: When can we expect to FINALLY have you play in New Zealand? Because there was the whole situation in 2016 with the cancelled shows… OLLY: I know… It wasn’t our fault! MIKEY: Wait, what happened with that again? OLLY: It was the Ellie Goulding support slot. [The band had to pull out of the Australia and New Zealand leg of Ellie Goulding’s Delirium tour due to logistical difficulties.] MIKEY: Oh, sorry, yeah! My family bought tickets, so I owe them all, like, a hundred quid. There’s talk of next year. I mean, don’t quote me on this, which you will. <laughs> But there’s talk of Oceania/Asia vibes next year. That would make sense. I can pretty much 100% say we won’t be in New Zealand this year. OLLY: I really hope when we go that we get some actual time to spend there, and not just, like, one day. MIKEY: Yeah, it’s beautiful. One of the best-looking countries.

[himbowelsh]

easy co as kids? 👦👦

Dick Winters

actual angel child

there’s a real story in dick’s book about him as a child: he used to round up a pen of imaginary “sheep” in the backyard. he would give them names and everything, and always remembered exactly which sheep was which. he treated them like they were real.

a very thoughtful kid, sort of cautious. never too rambunctious. he didn’t cause any problems in school.

the kid whose parents give him a banana as a joke, and he’s absolutely thrilled.

he wasn’t a straight-A student, just because he didn’t put too much effort into it. he had more important things to think about than school– family, friends, people in general, things he was interested in. it’s not that he didn’t care, just that he didn’t care enough.

was very close to his parents and grandparents. they sort of doted on him – never spoiled him – but he was definitely the apple of their eyes.

his hair started off blond, and only got redder as he grew older.

a very active kid. he would ride his bike everywhere, always played outside, and grew up to be physically strong.

Lewis Nixon

sad, sad little boy with the biggest doe eyes you’ve ever seen.

as a child, people really did not pay baby nix much attention. which is a shame, because the kid was sharp as a tack – one of those dangerously smart kids, the ones who don’t do as well in school because they question the point early-on.

because of this, nix was written off as a lazy child. he was given tutors he didn’t need (and tortured them, of course). meanwhile his mother was off busying herself with socialite events, and his father was gambling and drinking the business into a hole.

his sister blanche was given a bit more attention, but lewis never rivalled her for it. they were both pretty isolated throughout their childhoods.

he had a mischievous streak a mile wide. he knew how to play pranks and not get caught for them. he used to terrorize the house maids by putting spiders in their beds and hot pepper in their food. he even pranked his parents a few times. he had to take his fun where he could get it.

had a lot of imaginary friends, but always knew that they weren’t real.

he used to get nightmares a lot, and even wet the bed a few times. he’d scream and scream, but the only people who would ever come help him were the maids. after a while, lewis learned to calm himself down.

Carwood Lipton

actual angel child pt. deux

carwood grew up in a really nice, normal home. he had one little brother, and the two of them always played together with the neighborhood kids. 

they formed a bit of a group, all the kids who lived in carwood’s neighborhood. carwood was never the leader; he took on a big-brother role in the group, looking out for the little ones and making sure they kept up.

his father loved cars. carwood always used to help him fix the shiny ford car he bought when his first son was born. carwood learned a lot about automobiles from his father, as well as how to put various things together. carwood’s father was a psuedo-inventor. he taught carwood a lot about how to make things, and he got his interest in engineering from him.

(carwood had a crush on the little girl who lived next door, so he used to put together tiny metal figurines and give them to her as presents.)

he also loved to help his mother around the house. not actual chores – he couldn’t stand those – but she found out he had an eye for details, so started to teach him how to sew. they also loved baking together. carwood’s mother taught him how to make cakes, cookies, and all sorts of delicious things.

after the car accident which killed carwood’s father and put his mother in a wheelchair, carwood grew up fast.

he had to learn how to be the man of the house. he took on responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, and towing his family through the depression.

when his mother opened up the boarding house to make ends meet, he did everything he could to help. carwood learned how to look after people from a young age, and that was a quality he kept for the rest of his life.

Ronald Speirs

“does this kid ever smile wtf” “honey i think we may have given birth to one of the children of the corn” “we could just leave the baby and run it might be safer for everyone”

no, actually, speirs was a pretty normal kid.

he was a little antisocial, didn’t get along well with his peers. he was always more interested in reading than making friends.

teachers always used to remark on how serious he was. his parents were a little worried, and thought moving from scotland to america would do him good.

ron didn’t adjust to the move well. he retreated into himself even more, and didn’t do much socially.

that one kid with REALLY OBSESSIVE interests. like, he was obsessed with roman history for a while. then it was greek mythology. egyptian gods. foreign languages.

(at the age of twelve he actually managed to teach himself spanish?? like, really well?? wtf)

he wasn’t very social, but didn’t need to be. he rarely got lonely.

Harry Welsh

small irish devil

had really red hair as a kid, it lightened over time. his mother used to call him her “little leprechaun”.

he was a wild child. he was always getting into things he shouldn’t, teasing people, and causing trouble.

he was the kid who would make fun of the girls he liked. he was never really mean, but he used to tap on their shoulders and run away, or throw paper balls at them and laugh when it hit him in the back of the head.

he teased a LOT of people, actually. he got in more than a few fights.

(even though he was smaller than a lot of the other kids, he didn’t lose often.)

he always had a lot of friends growing up. he hated to be alone, so he made a point of surrounding himself with people. as a natural people person, this came naturally to him.

harry used to sing to himself all the time. he loved singing and dancing as a kid, and he’d often coerce his family members into having “dance parties” with him whenever he heard music playing.

had a stuffed giraffe toy that he freaking adored. like, it didn’t leave his side for an entire year. he named it Wuzzle, and it was his favorite thing in the world.

Wuzzle suffered a sad fate when he fell down a gutter and was never seen again. harry cried for an entire week straight.

(he never really got over it.)

Eugene Roe

he was a very fighty child

he took a long time to develop good impulse control, so he was pretty mischievous and rash. not exactly a wild child, but he came close enough to cause everyone grief.

he was always the kid coming home with a black eye and scraped knees. he never started the fights on the playground, but wasn’t afraid to get involved – usually on behalf of someone who was getting picked on.

used to get a kick out of teasing his big sisters. he’d pull their hair, hide their toys, and wrinkle their dresses. they would always shriek and run him off if he tried to play with them, so they kind of deserved it.

his parents fought a lot, so he was very close with his grandmother. she taught him a lot – about faith, healing, and things just beyond what most people can see.

she was the one who taught gene the power of a calm face and a cool head. she helped him learn to reign himself in and gave him ways to express his anger besides hitting things. she taught him prayers, introduced him to his religion, and overall helped gene grow up.

she died when gene was fifteen, and he was left devastated. 

Babe Heffron

basically the human version of a puppy.

that’s the whole heffron family, tbh. just like a whole litter of rowdy little puppies, with mama and papa heffron being like “WHOA, where’d all these gingers come from?!”

the baby with no center of balance. he fell over a lot. just, like. on his face.

he didn’t learn to sit up until his parents literally strapped baby babe to one of his toys to keep him upright.

babe was a rowdy kid. he was always getting into everything – he had no sense of “touch vs. do not touch”

he had the creamiest skin as a little boy, and only got freckled when he fell in love with playing outside. he was the kid always covered in dirt and mud, and it’s like??? where are you finding all this?? we live in a city???

he has his ways

knew his way around philly from a really early age. he was always finding shortcuts, darting through alleys, running a little wild.

as a kid, he used to shoplift. like, it was his thing, and tied into the “touch vs do not touch” thing. he just started taking anything he liked when he went into stores, didn’t get caught, and… kept doing it. he didn’t realize it was wrong until his mother caught him one day and almost threw him out of the car.

needless to say, he never took anything that didn’t belong to him again.

had a really big imagination. he used to imagine monsters in his closets, ghosts under his bed, and fairies outside his bedroom window. his grandmother used to tell him stories about irish fae, so that probably explains a bit.

bawled like a banshee when he found out santa didn’t exist. he never quite got over it. 

Bill Guarnere

the most adorable brat

seriously, have you read bill’s book? Baby Bill was a BLAST okay this dude was awesome from the day he was born

he is the youngest of many, many siblings, and knows how to use this to his advantage. very good at getting what he wants, and not above crying to do so. he’s got those big baby brown eyes, so it works to his advantage. 

absolute mama’s boy, to the extreme. he’d help his mother with everything he could, and she always gave him a little extra attention because of it. she’s the one who taught him how to cook.

very sociable, so he knew all the neighbors. he was the kid to tease the hunchbacked old woman who lived next door, but as soon as she dropped her groceries he’d be right there to pick them up for her.

was the leader of a pack of kids who ran through the city like wild children. they sometimes clashed with babe’s group of friends, actually, but it was always friendly after all was said and done. no grudges were held.

he was a total flirt. he used to hit on all the pretty neighborhood girls – that’s actually how he met frannie, who was the first one to not only flirt with him back, but could keep up with his fast mouth.

Joe Toye

joe was the baby of the family.

he was never pampered for it, but he had to endure the attention of two older sisters who treated him like their doll half the time. many unwilling games of dress up and tea party were played. any time they played camelot, joe had to be the damsel in distress while his sisters got to be dragons and knights.

okay, i’m just gonna be honest

joe was a biter.

like, not even as a baby. he bit one of the kids in kindergarten. joe just didn’t care. he was kind of nuts.

he actually had more than a few discipline problems growing up. he didn’t like to sit still, didn’t have much patience, and preferred to be running around. he was a tough kid to handle.

he grew out of it, however. by the time he got to middle school he was less bratty and more quiet. he wasn’t really sullen, but he was no social butterfly.

in high school, he had a small group of friends, and he was an athlete, so he found his niche. but he always kept to himself a bit; he was very hesitant to open up to people and reveal parts of himself that he didn’t think anyone would like.

George Luz

very, very, very precocious child

“georgie, baby, we love you. just… go somewhere else for a little while, okay?”

george immediately climbs a tree and gets stuck.

“that’s not what we meant, georgie.”

in a family of ten kids, it would be really easy to be overshadowed, especially when you’re smack in the middle. right???

WRONG. try to forget about george luz. like. just try. it’s not possible.

george made himself visible by any means possible. he was kid of an attention hog, and if he had to resort to underhanded tactics (fake-crying, being the sweetest of all his siblings) to get it, he would.

grew up in a portuguese neighborhood, with a family that spoke mostly portuguese around each other. he didn’t actually learn english until he started school, around six years old. he took to it like a duck to water. (yes, this is a true thing)

was that one kid who teachers were always telling to “calm the fuck down” in less-explicit terms.

had an irrational fear of snakes. he would scream like a banshee every time one showed up in a picture book he was reading. (it’s all tied into a childhood trauma involving his oldest brother, a rubber snake, and his crib. george doesn’t like talking about it.)

as a baby, he used to babble to himself all the time. even in his sleep, he would be muttering things.

constantly asking questions. like, not even because he’s curious, just because he wants to talk.

had a weird habit of throwing his toys. he frequently hit people with them, on purpose or not. he grew out of it (mostly).

David Webster

The Book Kid

he was born with eyes that blue, and they never faded to a different color.

a very, very curious child. always asking questions. kind of annoying, doesn’t really know how to take a hint.

that’s only after he gets past his initial layer of shyness. and web was a really shy kid. he had a lot of thoughts, a lot of opinions, and could be a total chatterbox when he got going –

but very few people could get him going. very few people even knew how to get him started.

web always had a few close friends in school, but he drifted a lot. he talked a lot to his parents, but some of his ideas were too creative for them to understand. he told stories about aliens, about pirates, about monsters.

it got to the point where they were really concerned about what he was reading –he had a reading level suited to a high schooler when he was in second grade – so they started looking at his books.

that’s when they realized that david wasn’t telling stories from books. he was making them up.

web was also very observant. he noticed things about people, and filed them away for later. that’s a trait he never lost.

Joseph Liebgott

adorable, to an alarming degree

okay, first off, joe was definitely a chubby baby. he was like… a tiny roly-poly ball of cuteness, and he kept this up until he learned how to move.

that was the end of “oh my god, what an angel,” and the beginning of “is this a toddler or a demon?”

he just had a LOT of energy, and as soon as he figured out how to walk he spent it in every way he could. no naps for baby joe – he crashed like a helicopter. 

he lost all his baby fat early on, and became a very skinny kid. he was the type of kid who people would worry about, like he wasn’t eating enough. people always use to try to push food on him, and joe had an appetite like a lion, so he loved it.

he was kind of a playground bully. not mean-spirited, exactly, but childishly cruel. he used to make fun of the bookish kids. (kids like web, basically.)

that said, he also had really, really sweet moments. for as much as he made fun of some kids, he was also very defensive of smaller kids. he was a very protective, loyal friend, and would help out in the classroom at random.

thanks to this, people loved him despite his hyperactivity and immaturity. he was always a favorite of teachers, and doted on by his mother and grandparents.

Shifty Powers

actual baby deer

shifty is the second of five kids, but the fact that he’s his mother’s favorite isn’t much of a secret. he’s the sweetest natured of all the powers kids, and he’s been that way since he was a baby.

he was pretty shy throughout elementary school. he didn’t talk much, and didn’t do phenomenally in school, but he made up for it by being a good classmate and friend.

has one little sister who he dotes on. when he was little, his mother let him hold her for the first time, and that’s when he totally fell in love. ever since, he takes care of her every chance he gets – for she drops a toy, he picks it up. if she needs to be fed, he volunteers to do it.

“If you don’t know the horse girl, you are the horse girl.”

Shifty was the horse girl.

he LOVED animals. he had a pet bunny when he was a little boy that he used to carry around everywhere. (he found it abandoned, so his mother helped him raise it, and the bunny adored shifty as much as he adored it)

going hunting with his father was hard for him at first, because he didn’t want to hurt animals. gradually he got to understand the circle of life, and it gave him a deeper understanding of life and death. it wound up being beneficial for him, to everyone’s surprise.

Floyd Talbert

okay basically

you know who tab is

that one kid who always flirts with you while your babysitting and it’s a little uncomfortable because he’s like five but is still smoother than most guys your age

had his first girlfriend in pre-school, and his first kiss in first grade. bby boy moves fast.

tab had some serious attachment issues for a while. he was afraid of being left alone, because he got it in his head for some reason that his parents would not come back

they couldn’t leave him with anyone else for a long time because he’d throw a tantrum. going to school was really hard for him, at first, but only after he got used to being away from home did this problem lessen.

by the time he reached his teens, he was perfectly adjusted. tab always had a lot of girlfriends, and a lot of friends. he was one of the popular boys in school.

Bull Randleman

was a very, very small baby

a preemie, actually! doctors weren’t sure if he was going to survive, and if he did, they told his parents that he would never be physically strong.

WELL.

he sure showed them.

bull had his moments of rambunctiousness, but he was a pretty easy kid.

had a lot of siblings, so he was looked after by the older ones and took care of the little ones. he was the best big brother.

didn’t go through his growth spurt until late middle school, which took everybody by surprise. he went from runt of the litter to being taller than the teacher in a few months. it was wild.

used to get the worst growing pains, so his mother would always lay him down flat and massage all the aches out. by the time he grew up, bull knew how to give a damn good massage.

actually pretty good in school. he was quiet, but he paid attention, and was a good student in all of his subjects.

Buck Compton

actual ray of sunshine

seriously, everyone loved buck.

do i even have to say he was one of the popular kids? he was popular in elementary school. everyone wanted to be buck’s friend, and that was cool, because buck was a really great friend.

he was really sensitive when he was little. there’s always that one kid in every elementary school class who will cry over everything. EVERY class has that kid, and for like three years, that kid was buck.

he just got very emotional, okay? because he loved everyone a lot and wanted everyone to be nice but sometimes people weren’t nice –

and sometimes his crayons broke and sometimes he couldn’t find a shoe and sometimes it RAINED and it was all a lot for buck to handle

but he was such a friendly kid that it didn’t matter. like, he was not shy whatsoever. he had no fear of going up and talking to people. he was the friendliest kid ever.

he was always surrounded by friends, all the time. he drew people to him like flies to honey.

Skip Muck

actual ray of sunshine pt. deux

he got his name because he skipped everywhere he went. he never walked anywhere.

he was also a really cheerful kid – and funny, genuinely funny. he was sort of a class clown, but he was never meanspirited towards anyone.

a very musical child. when his father was still around (before he left the family to become a travelling musician, because that’s totally a thing you do) he used to sit skip on his knee and sing songs with him for hours. he taught skip how to play the guitar.

skip loved to sing. he knew all sorts of songs, and anytime he saw his mother looking sad, he’d ask her if she wanted to sing with him.

hated bullies. if he saw anyone picking on another person, he’d snap at them; he wasn’t afraid to get into a physical fight if it came to that.

had the curliest hair as a little boy – like, bouncy waves that were always falling in his face. one day he got lice and had to have his head shaved. after that, it grew back much straighter.

Don Malarkey

okay, don was bald as an egg until he was like two years old

he also didn’t talk for a couple years. like, at all

no one knew what was going on

he was just. donny. his family sort of treated him like a doll. they’d carry him around, bounce him on their hips, and just sort of dote on him while he’d give them great big gummy smiles.

he took a really long time for his teeth to come in, too.

don was the smiliest baby. he was so cheerful, and making him laugh was the easiest thing in the world…until he started teething.

dear, god, the teething

his mother swears that he cried for a month straight. it was torment. no one in his neighborhood slept. don was as red as his (slowly coming in) hair, and he basically had no need to breathe at that point.

as he got older, he became more normal. he started talking, walking, and then just never stopped moving. he was a pretty energized kid – he hated naps – and his parents favorite way of tiring him out was just letting him bounce on the couch until he collapsed.

he was really good at making friends. always a really cheerful kid, don has a sunshine grin and an easygoing nature that drew people to him. he didn’t excel in school, but people liked him because he was such a sweet, helpful boy. 

[byeoltan]

Did You Know?

that in BTS ‘봄날 (spring day)’ MV, the train station that showed taehyung waiting in the beginning is actually a real train station, iryeong station in yangju city, gyeonggi-do, albeit an abandoned one, since they only transport cargo now.

and that the music video is one helluva train ride to a place where there stood a tall tree, the place where they got together and come in terms with grief and hardships in life because the cold winter does end at some point, and spring comes. but let’s talk about that later :) lets, lets talk about the very first lines namjoon uttered so carefully, such vulnerable words

i miss you saying it like this makes me miss you even more even looking at your photos, i miss you ain’t time so heartless i..hated us the us who now can’t even look at each other’s face even once

보고 싶어/bogoshippeo means ‘i miss you’, an informal, casual tone that you can use freely to significant others, friends, families, it literally means ‘i want to see you’ but essentially, it means, ‘i miss you’, here, though, namjoon used 보고 싶다/bogoshipda, which is also an informal word, but a non-conjugated form of 보고 싶어/bogoshippeo, it holds a slightly different meaning than just ‘i miss you’ because it’s not a verb. 보고 싶다/bogoshipda for lack of better words, is an expression of longing, and carries a deeper emotion than just i miss you, kinda like a monologue (?) cos he’s not saying it to someone in particular, the expression feels a bit colder, which is ironic cos then he went on about how cold time is for making him missing someone.

this place is all winter, even in august winter comes it’s like my heart/mind races with time the lonely ‘snowpiercer’ who travelled to the south (i want to) while holding your hands, go all the way to the other side of the earth i wish i could end this winter, i wonder, friend, how much does the longing should fall like snow for spring day to come?

설국열차 is the korean title for the movie ‘snowpiercer’, also the name of the train in the movie that holds the last remnants of humanity after an attempt at climate engineering in order to stop global warming has unintentionally created a new ice age. essentially, ppl in the train thought no life can exist outside of the train, not knowing there is (a polar bear), which showed up at the end of the movie. i thought it was brilliant how namjoon referenced this movie, it’s like he’s saying no matter how hard circumstances can be, no matter how hard you think you have it, there is always hope, there is always a way out, there’s always spring after a cold cold winter, even when it seems impossible, you can have your cake and eat it

(or not ;p) 

the lyrics in this song isn’t that hard to comprehend tbh it’s quite straightforward but the way they express it is both poetry and cynicism at its best, and despite the repetitive chorus the song is atcually quick and full, leaving nothing short of amazement. 

like the tiny dust that floats/flies in the air if i’m the snow that flies in the air  i would’ve reached you a little faster 

my heart swells a little here, because they are reiterating what namjoon says about wanting to hold hands so we can end this winter together, that they want to, if only they’re with us, doesn’t it soothe your heart a little? knowing there are people out there who knows how cold life can be, and wants to get to us quickly so we could the end it together 

and when some of the members lament

the snowflakes are falling little by little bit more, they fall i miss you (i miss you) how much longer do i have to wait and how many more nights do i have to stay up, to see you? will i ever get to meet you?

the others be consoling like, well,

after we pass by the end of cold winter until spring day comes once again until the flowers blossom at that place (even when it’s cold/even when you have to wait long), for a little while, please stay please stay

but then yoongi’s part came and i sobbed a little because it’s so??

i wonder if you have changed, or if i have changed. perhaps, i’ve changed. i hate the time that’s flowing at this very moment  i guess we have changed, huh i guess everyone does that, huh yeah, okay, i hated you but even when you left, there was never a day that i’ve forgotten about you and even though i actually miss you, i’m gonna erase you now cos that’ll hurt way less than blaming you

and it doesn’t help when both seokjin and jimin go on to say

i try to blow away the cold you who is like smoke, like white smoke even when i say i’m going to erase you the truth is i still can’t let you go

 /crieS/ which is why the ending gets me because

you know it all you’re my best friend the morning will come again no matter what kind of darkness or (bad) seasons  they can’t last forever

(and) it looks like cherry blossoms are blooming (now) and this winter too, is coming to an end i miss you  if i wait just a little bit longer if i stay up just a few more nights i will come to see you i will come to take you (away)

after we pass by the end of cold winter until spring day comes once again until the flowers blossom at that place (even when it’s cold/even when you have to wait long), for a little while, please stay please stay

i want to mention here that omelas referenced in the mv as we are all prob aware of by now, tells a story of how a child was kept hidden in a secluded place in the omelas city, with horrible conditions, in exchange of happiness of the entire city. and that the same tragedy also shares with children in the movie snowpiercer itself, where they were enslaved and used as replacement parts to keep the train functioning. to put it simply, children depicted in both stories were convinced to give their life for the continuation of a way of life that was totally oppressive to their own circumstances, which is extremely radical in a way that has deep resonance for our real world, like how can you stand being together in a society that is built from abuse and discrimination, entrenched inequality, and do nothing?

and it is precisely because of this, bangtan continues to voice out their opinions as they did in previous albums, and call out the perpetrators as well as the bystanders for everyhting that has gone wrong, that could go wrong, and that is going wrong in the society, especially in the events relating to their home country south korea

let me bring you back to the music video where jimin picked up the white shoes from the winter sea

the white shoes that middle-school/high school students wear in south korea

and how he carries the shoes all through out the mv

before he brought them to a tree after they all got off the train 

and hang them

these scenes imo is very much referenced to the sewol ferry tragedy that took place in april, 2014, the incident that had resulted in more than 300 deaths, including 250 second-year high school students and their teachers from danwon high school who were on a field trip that day, and is recognized as one of the most devastating maritime disaster in decades, and it’s not just because of a sinking ferry itself but because of willfull negligence and corruption.

fyi when the ferry was sinking, the captain of the ship and a number of cabin crew made announcement for the passengers to stay where they were when they themselves chose to abandon the ship while hundreds of people were still trapped inside. and being good citizens they all remained at their cabin, where they waited for further orders, which never came 

the members of crew who stayed to help passengers were among those who died. 

and the disaster doesn’t end there. it was found out later that the ship itself was illegally modified and was carrying almost double its legal limit with inexperienced crew and a questionable relationship between the ship operators and state regulators. the investigation was also conducted behind closed doors where the families are not permitted to observe the recovery operation, these allegations as well as  the way the government lacked transparency adds more to the lengthy laundry list of grievances souht koreans have against park geun hye’s administration. there were questions raised as to where she was when it happened that morning and why wasn’t the issue addressed publicly even 7 hours afterwards.

the yellow ribbons symbolize hope and solidarity with the families victims and i think it’s genius how they incorporate this knowing very well that they can be blacklisted from the government which is ridiculous at every level. the government was highly blamed for many lives lost that day, what with the lack of safety standards in the country, the families were also mostly left out of the investigation, there’s just so many dissatisfaction ppl have over park geunhye’s administration, and that itself is an understatement. and with bangtan and bighit donating 100 million won (approximately $85,000) to the sewol ferry disaster 416 family council, they are probably blacklisted already :/ 

the pile of clothing could also be a metaphor to ppl who left this world as exhibited by french artist christian boltanski’s work entitled ‘personnes’ as part of monumenta in 2010. i quote, “These grouped clothes may represent mass graves, or corpses arrayed for identification in the school gym, but they also constitute a kind of cemetery. For the experience is just the same: that there is nobody here and yet the place is crowded. Personnes, the piece is called: people, but at the same time no one.”

which is why even though tying shoes high on a tree branch or power lines have variation in meanings for different country and culture, there is one famous belief taht i think is what is meant here; that tying shoes high on a tree branch signifies someone has died and that the shoes belong to the dead person. that the reason they are hanging, is so when the dead person’s spirit returns, it will walk that high above the ground, that much closer to heaven 

and it would’ve been fineeeee to just reference spring day like this as a remembrance to the passing of the passengers and the beautiful children because the song DOES talk about grief and hardships in life, and that no matter what kind of darkness or (bad) seasons they can’t last forever 

but then bangtan had these lines that are repeatedly voiced melancholically all throughout the chorus until the very end of the song and i just–

after we pass by the end of cold winter until spring day comes once again until the flowers blossom at that place (even when it’s cold/even when you have to wait long), for a little while, please stay please stay

it’s as if bangtan is throwing shade at the captain and his crew for being dishonorable, asking the children to stay where they were ‘until the rescue boats arrive’ when they themselves were up and about ready to get out of the ship, 

it’s just. 

when the boys say these last lines it’s as if, it’s as if the boys are saying to the children that they know it’s hard to wait, but just stay there. it’s okay to stay there, i’ll come to you instead, yeah? just you wait there till i come to you so we can end this suffering together

[emeraldwaves]

Title: Don’t Look Down DJ AU Chapter 12 (Read from beginning Here or Here) Pairing: Sarumi Rating: M Word Count:  6,138 AO3 Summary: When Fushimi Saruhiko is dragged to a club by some of his co-workers, he refuses to dance, earning him the attention of the lively, up-and-coming DJ, Yata Misaki. After a heated argument, the boys go their separate ways, never expecting to meet again. Little do they know their first meeting is only the beginning of their now intertwined lives.

Full Fic Under Cut. Thank you to @its-love-u-asshole for betaing!

"What the HELL is this?!"

Saruhiko jolted back against his seat the moment he heard Misaki's familiar yell echo throughout the hallway of his office. He probably should've expected this, Misaki knew where Saruhiko worked and where he lived, it was only natural he would show up to whichever place Saruhiko was at, depending on the time of day. Saruhiko had come to notice Misaki was impulsive, and reckless, so this behavior wasn't exactly out of the ordinary. Plus it wasn't like he had never done this before, Saruhiko thought, reminded of the many times he'd snuck upstairs to see Saruhiko at his desk.

But instead of answering, or turning around like he normally did, Saruhiko simply stared at his computer screen. He wasn't about to answer Misaki and start a fight in his office.

"What the hell Saruhiko, don't ignore me!" Misaki said, grabbing the back of Saruhiko's chair, attempting to turn him around, though the taller dug his feet in, not letting the chair move. "Stop...being so damn...stubborn...Saruhiko...you ass!" he grunted, tugging on the chair to get it to move.

Lifting his feet, Saruhiko let the chair swing around, Misaki falling backwards as he did. "Who let him in here?" Saruhiko called out, glancing around as Hidaka sank further into his chair, and Akiyama didn't move.

"Saru, you bastard!" Misaki snarled, stumbling forward as he grabbed his shirt, holding his phone up with the track he'd recorded with Nagare on the screen. "Answer me, what the hell is this?!"

"A phone," he stated bluntly, and watched as Misaki knuckles turned white as he clenched at the screen harder than before.

 'Good'

"No," he hissed, the air coming from his lungs in shaky waves. "Idiot. You know what I meant!"

 'Does it hurt? Does it make you angry?'

"Oh I'm the idiot, am I?" Saruhiko snorted and yanked Misaki's wrist from his shirt. "I'm not the one shoving a phone in my face begging to know what it is."

"I mean the song, you shithead!" People were staring now, or they were trying not to, but Saruhiko could see their eyes focusing on the scene in front of them. Misaki wasn't exactly quiet about his anger, or anything for that matter. "The song you sang with Nagare!"

"I KNEW it was you!" Hidaka said, standing up, but quickly returning to his seat when he noticed Saruhiko's eyebrow twitch in anger. "I told you..." A small whisper was heard as Hidaka turned away, Saruhiko immediately ignoring his coworkers.

"So you heard it I take it," he said, plopping back down in the chair.

"Of course I heard it you damn traitor!" Misaki yelled.

"Traitor? I don't recall signing any sort of contract with you," Saruhiko scoffed, folding his arms. "In fact, I seem to recall leaving and doing the exact opposite."

"What...the hell...Saru!?" Misaki growled again. "I...You...You refuse to sing with me, but you have no problem going to sing with Nagare?! You know he's my rival right now?! Me and Mikoto's song is going up against yours!" he growled.

"Is it?" Saruhiko hummed. "I had no idea." His voice was flat, uncaring.

"Fuck you, Saruhiko. Fuck. You. I was practically begging you to stay with us and sing with us. You know how much I enjoyed having you on my other song, why didn't you stay with us?!"

"You know why," Saruhiko muttered, not wanting to repeat himself and have the same argument over and over again.

"So you just...you just went and sang with Nagare, because you didn't like what I was doing?! You said you didn't want to sing anymore! Hell Nagare wouldn't have even asked you to sing if it wasn't for me and my song."

Clenching his fists, Saruhiko stood up, glaring down at Misaki. "Right, because it's all about you. Your song, my voice on your song. Me doing whatever the hell it is you want me to do! I never said I wasn't going to sing again. So I sang with Nagare, did you really think you'd be the only person I’d sing for?"

This was exactly what Saruhiko had wanted, Misaki hurt, angry, and abandoned by Saruhiko. Misaki had been the one to drag him into this world of music, performance, and singing, and Misaki had been the one to leave him behind. Saruhiko had never wanted this, never wanted to be a part of this world, and yet, he'd fallen for Misaki's damn persuasive enthusiasm.

"You're such a liar," Misaki growled. "I can't believe I ever thought I missed working with you. You're an asshole and a traitor!" he yelled.

"Then I guess you realized who the real me is," Saruhiko said. "You really are an idiot if it took you this long to figure it out."

"Yeah," Misaki said, his golden eyes trembling with hurt. "Guess I am an idiot." He shoved his phone into his pocket, and stormed out of the office, and Saruhiko noticed his coworkers staring as he turned his back to them, watching Misaki slowly disappear down the steps.

He'd done it to hurt him, and Misaki was so damn transparent so Saruhiko knew it had worked. Misaki felt betrayed and called Saruhiko a traitor, and he now understood the exact same emotions Saruhiko had felt when Misaki had been so willing to give up his own sound in exchange for the possibility of making a crappy song with Suoh Mikoto. Certainly, Saruhiko had sure taught Misaki.

He'd seen the way Misaki's eyes and hands trembled, the way he looked as though he'd already cried a few tears over this. Misaki was a fool, and an idiot, just as Saruhiko had always suspected.

Saruhiko knew he'd probably never see Misaki again, not that it mattered. He wasn't going to sing for him or anyone else ever again. He'd made his point, and Misaki could continue going about his life being a sellout for Homra and Mikoto.

He'd done it to hurt Misaki, and he had. It had worked just the way Saruhiko had planned. It should've been a success. So why the hell did it feel like Saruhiko's chest was about to burst from all the pain slowly building up inside his heart?

~~

Done. Misaki was absolutely done, no questions asked. Actually, he regretted going to see the asshole. He wasn't sure what he had expected to happen, but he hadn't expected Saruhiko to be so damn cold. Did he really not care about anything? Any of the experiences they shared, or the fact they had been intimate with each other? Apparently nothing mattered to Saruhiko, nothing but himself.

It had been a week since then and Misaki was done with feeling frustrated, even if he couldn't seem to stop thinking about how shitty this whole situation was.

Clenching his fists, Misaki slammed them down on the keyboard in front him, the keys shaking with a strange sound, the notes clashing. He hated how much Saruhiko affected him, affected his music. He'd been staring at the piano blankly for almost an hour, trying to decide what to work on.

He should've been happy. There was no reason for Saruhiko to be affecting him as much as he was. Misaki and Mikoto's single had come out a few days ago, and already it was all people could talk about. The song had been been praised, and was staying on the charts. Misaki and Mikoto had already done an interview yesterday. A tour was practically guaranteed with how well the single was doing, and Mikoto's new album was projected to do equally as well, if not better. Plus, Misaki's involvement helped raise his own popularity, and people were already buzzing about what his full album would sound like. It was terrifying and thrilling, and Misaki couldn't believe it was actually happening to him.

He didn't have much time. If his and Mikoto's single continued to do well, he'd have to have a few tracks ready for the upcoming tour, and so far, Misaki had come up very short. He and Totsuka had recorded one song, but overall Misaki had nothing.

There had been a tiny, hopeful part of him which had hoped going to see Saruhiko would make the idiot change his mind. Misaki would've forgiven him if he'd apologized, said that Nagare wasn't as talented as him. Okay, he didn't need to say the last part, but Misaki would've appreciated being Saruhiko's number one.

But he wasn't, Saruhiko had made that very clear.

"Yata-san?" A knock on the studio door interrupted Misaki's groaning, and he quickly pulled his fingers back from the keyboard. He'd been spending more time in the studio at Homra, as opposed to his personal on at home, in hopes that being in a different environment would help him forget about dumbass Saruhiko better.

"Ah Totsuka-san, hi," he smiled, trying to look innocent after completely smashing the keyboard in.

"Izumo has been looking for you," he grinned. "He has some good news for us," Totsuka sang, twirling in the doorway.

Misaki immediately slammed his hand down on the keyboard, and pushed the chair up. "A tour?!" he asked quickly.

Totsuka smirked, biting down on his lip and nodding. "But you didn't hear it from me! And you know...Yata-san..." he chuckled, gesturing to Misaki's hands on the piano. "If you break one of those, Izumo will make you suffer a punishment...worse than death!" Totsuka leaned forward and menacingly waggled his fingertips.

Paling, Misaki jumped back, moving away from the keyboard. "I-I know! I just got excited!" he muttered, and yanked his beanie on, brushing by Totsuka.

"I figured, I figured, and don't worry, I won't say anything, but consider this your warning," Totsuka snorted, leading the way back to the main meeting room.

Following him upstairs, Misaki felt his heart pounding in his chest, and it took all his will to not bounce up and down on the stairs. They were going to go on tour, that had to be the good news!

In the meeting room, Mikoto sat with his feet rested on the table, rocking his chair back and forth, Kusanagi stood at the front of the room. "Nice of you both to join us," he smirked. "I'm sure Totsuka couldn't keep his mouth shut, so I bet you probably are already aware of what this meeting is about."

"Shouldn't've told 'im..." Mikoto muttered, kicking his boot back to place his feet on the ground.

"You're right..." Kusanagi sighed. "I don't know what I was thinking."

Totsuka giggled loudly, and took a seat directly next to Mikoto. "Aw c'mon King! It was exciting, how could I resist?" He leaned forward and placed his head on Mikoto's shoulder.

Mikoto sighed and nudged him. "No one expects you to resist anymore," he grunted, shaking his head.

"What's that supposed to mean!?" Totsuka pouted, but Kusanagi shook his head, ignoring both of them.

"Anyway," he began. "As you all have heard, the new single is doing well, we've been holding the top of the charts for this past week. We have been neck and neck with Hisui Nagare's new song," Kusanagi explained, and Yata couldn't help but let out a soft scoff. Any song they did would have to be better than any song Saruhiko was involved in. "Sometimes we're ahead, sometimes he's ahead, but either way, we're about set to be signed for a tour."

"YES!" Misaki yelled loudly, pumping his fist into the air. Though he quickly lowered it, looking a bit embarrassed about his outburst. "R-Right. I mean...yeah, awesome," he cleared his throat trying desperately to look cool.

Kusanagi laughed. "It's okay Yata-san, it's fine to be excited. Mikoto and Totsuka will be the headliner, but you will be a secondary headliner, rather than just an opener. Does this make sense?"

Misaki nodded rigorously, happy to even be anything. Admittedly, he would've settled for being the opener, but a secondary headliner was even better! "Yes! That's awesome!" he cheered eagerly.

"Wonderful. I'll be setting up the dates and locations in the next few days. The tour probably won't actually start for a few months, so this will give you both time to finalize your albums. Misaki, do you think you can have an EP ready by then? All you'd need is four to five additional tracks to the two solo ones you already have."

Misaki nodded, just about to jump up and run back to start on the new tracks now. "Of course I can," he smiled, giving him a thumbs up.

"Perfect. We can check back in once everything is all set, and we'll get started on promotional material, all of which will be run by all of you for approval," Kusanagi explained.

Misaki was trying his very hardest to listen, but it was a bit difficult. His mind was reeling with all the possibilities for songs he could write. New songs, songs he would sell and people would actually buy them. This was actually happening for him, he was going to be a real DJ and go on tour with Mikoto. It was hard to believe, and he wanted to pinch himself and see if he was dreaming.

"Alright," Kusanagi chuckled. "Time for you to get to work!" He saluted them, and moved away, heading back towards, his own office, while Mikoto and Totsuka stood up as well.

Misaki however, leapt up and ran to block Mikoto from leaving. Bowing quickly, Misaki let out a large breath of air. "T-Thank you Mikoto-san for this opportunity. I...I can't tell you how much it means to me, getting to work with you like this!" His hands trembled at his side, sure he was used to working with Mikoto before, but something about this made him nervous, thrilled and excited.

Placing a hand on his shoulder, Mikoto grunted. "You're talented. It'll be a good tour. Work hard," he said. "Though...I don't think I gotta remind you of that, seems like you'll do it anyway." He rubbed the back of his neck, sighing.

"Y-Yes, sir!" Misaki stood up, nodding quickly. Mikoto waved, and walked out of the room, followed by a pleased Totsuka, who waved as they stepped onto the elevator, disappearing from view.

Scrunching his face up, Misaki curled his spine over and shot out, as though he were a bomb exploding with excitement. He was going on his first tour! And who cared if Saruhiko didn't believe in him, Mikoto did, and that was all that mattered.

~~

"Absolutely not." Saruhiko muttered, shaking his head as he spoke into the phone.

"Are you sure? It would pay very well," Nagare's smooth tone trickled into Saruhiko's ear, like a snake tempting it's prey. "So well in fact, you probably wouldn't have to worry about that silly little job of yours anymore," Nagare explained.

The words only made Saruhiko angrier. Why the hell did all musicians he knew feel the need to pressure him into situations he didn't feel comfortable with. He had regretted answering the call at all, but something about Nagare actually contacting him made him cave. But now, he felt like a moron.

"I said no," Saruhiko repeated bluntly. "It's not about the money."

"Mmm, I didn't think so. No, I knew for you, it wasn't about the money," Nagare hummed. "You know, I've heard rumors of Suoh Mikoto going on tour with up and coming DJ Yata Misaki."

"And?" Saruhiko clicked his tongue, not appreciating the direction this conversation was going in.

"If I have you with me, I'm sure my concert series will be far more successful than theirs," he chuckled.

"I don't care," Saruhiko said. "You can do your concert alone. I'm not interested in touring around the country to sing one song at every show."

"I'd be happy to put you on more tracks," Nagare continued. "And you realize it would be a free trip, you could see the world."

"I don't care," Saruhiko repeated. "I made a promise with myself that once I was done recording with you, I wouldn't have anything else to do with the music world."

"Well, isn't that too bad," Nagare said softly. "However, I think you'll be changing your mind."

"Doubtful," Saruhiko said, and pushed his phone off, slamming it down on the desk.

He had made his decision. He was done with the music world. He'd never wanted to be a part of it in the first place, and Misaki and Nagare dragging him in was exactly the opposite of what he wanted to do.

It had been a long damn week, and Saruhiko was looking forward to going home and working on some programming, maybe getting a little sleep if he could as well. Lately it had been difficult to sleep, and he hated admitting that part of it was because he had grown used to sleeping next to Misaki, and the empty bed was a lot bigger than he remembered.

Munakata had been out all week, which had been nice, the man often did this, looking for new clients, attending technology faires, etc. But especially with Misaki's outburst, Saruhiko was happy he hadn't had to worry about any sort of lecture from the man.

"Fushimi-kun! Glad to see you're still here." Perhaps he had spoken too soon, as he watched Munakata walk down the hall heading towards his office. It was late, and all the other employees had gone home. Even Akiyama had left, even though he often stayed later with Saruhiko, partially because he was working, but partially because he enjoyed keeping Saruhiko company, whether Saruhiko liked it or not.

"Sir, with all due respect, why are you here? It's Friday evening..." he muttered.

"Ah, well I just got back from my trip," he explained, "And I left a few work things I needed to catch up on this weekend in my office, so I simply stopped by to grab it," he chuckled, pressing his glasses up on his face.

"Right..." Saruhiko muttered. For anyone else, it would've been out of the ordinary to see their boss so late on a Friday, but this was actually unsurprising. If there was one thing Saruhiko and Munakata had in common, it was the level of how much they cared about work.

"Like I said, I am happy you were here. I was hoping I'd still catch you," he nodded.

Saruhiko clicked his tongue and folded his arms. "Still have more to say?"

"Indeed. I heard Yata Misaki stopped by the office earlier this week."

Of course Munakata didn't say from whom he had heard this information from. Saruhiko was convinced Munakata had to have some sort of cameras installed in the ceilings or their desks. Saruhiko glanced around the room instinctively, as though eyes were watching him.

"Yeah. He was mad about a song I had recorded with another DJ. It didn't matter though, I can record with whoever I please," Saruhiko explained.

"That you can," Munakata nodded.

"Yup."

Adjusting his glasses once more, Munakata cleared his throat. "So I take it neither of you apologized?" Munakata said, and Saruhiko simply clicked his tongue, scoffing. Sighing, Munakata stared directly at Saruhiko's blue eyes. "You know, Fushimi-kun, have you given any more thought to what we spoke about the other day?"

"I don't know how many times I have to tell people I'm not interested in doing music," he grumbled, glancing away from Munakata's intense violet hues.

"Mmm I see. It's too bad, like I said, you were quite alive on that stage, and actually it seems Yata Misaki brought a light to your life I'd never seen before. I did hope you two would work things out, but it seems I am but a dreamer."

Work things out? Work things out how exactly? Saruhiko wanted to ask, but didn't want to show any interest. Sure, he'd missed the good times he'd had with Misaki, but those were gone. The idiot was way too focused on Mikoto, and Saruhiko didn't feel like listening to it.

"Yeah, well, he's got new people to focus on," Saruhiko snapped. "He doesn't need me."

"Are you sure? Have you spoken to him? Perhaps you both need to have a good talk, and apologize to each other. Tell him how you feel," Munakata said, peering through the edge of his glasses.

That must've been some sort of a sick joke, as though Saruhiko was actually going to tell Misaki how he felt. He should've figured it out by now. And Munakata wanted him to apologize. Apologize...how the hell was he supposed to go about doing that? Misaki had been enraged, and Saruhiko really had been sick of the way Misaki constantly pushed him around, and tried to force him into awkward music situations he hated, so really Saruhuko hadn't been wrong. If anyone needed to apologize it was Misaki.

"I know what you're thinking," Munakata sighed, and placed a hand on Saruhiko's shoulder. "But the truth is, I think you both have things you need to say to each other."

Saruhiko's gaze flicked to Munakata's hand, and the older man removed it. "Anyway, Saruhiko, I hope you have a lovely weekend, and I will see you on Monday," he said, bowing to him before walking towards his office.

Saruhiko hated when Munakata got all cryptic like that. Recently, with Misaki involved it had been especially bad.

But Saruhiko truthfully didn't know what he would say to Misaki. He sucked at speaking about his feelings, and he'd been an ass...a purposeful ass. He'd only sang with Nagare, knowing it would hurt Misaki, and it had worked. Even if he wanted to apologize, it was way too far gone by now, and it wasn't like Misaki was going to magically stop worshiping Mikoto.

He was done, with music, and Misaki. There was no fixing what had become of them now.

~~

Misaki was late, and he desperately tried to gather all his belongings, almost dropping his laptop when he went to shove it in his backpack.

"Shit!" he cried out, yanking his headphones off of the ground. His stupid room was too damn messy to find anything in it.

"Yata-san?" Kamamoto said, knocking on the side frame. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm late!" he cried out, rubbing his head as he dug through his clothes to find his hat. He tossed sweaters about, groaning when the black beanie didn't appear.

"Do you really need your hat?" Kamamoto asked, tilting his head.

"Kamamoto, do you see my head right now? I'm presenting two new songs to Kusanagi today, and I don't want to look like a total idiot!" he said.

"Uh...right..." Kamamoto muttered, and Misaki finally found the beanie wedged between his desk and the wall. Holding it up proudly, he slammed it onto his head.

"Okay Kamamoto I gotta go bye," Misaki spoke rapidly before dashing out of the door, tripping as he stormed down the stairs.

He'd been working on these songs for a little under a week now, and he wanted to make sure Kusanagi approved of the direction he was going in. He'd done some test recordings himself, and now he was ready to present them to Kusanagi and Mikoto...

If he made it to the damn meeting on time.

Swinging around the railing of the stairs, Misaki dashed out the door and down the street. He was grateful he didn't live horribly far away from the studio, and he prayed being late wouldn't look too bad on him.

Misaki actually wasn't sure how he felt about these songs. He'd spent a great deal of time moving on from Saruhiko, seeing as the last few songs he'd written with Saruhiko in mind—which was infuriating. He wished he could've done all this without the asshole's singing voice trapped in his head, and so he'd tried to write these thinking of Totsuka. It had gone...decently, he thought. He didn't want to make any judgements until they heard.

He didn't know how this had happened exactly, his strange reliance on Saruhiko. He'd written plenty of music before Saruhiko, but it had been the song with Saruhiko which had sparked his career. Maybe that was why it felt like Saruhiko was his crutch?

But Misaki knew he didn't need Saruhiko anymore. He couldn't have him anymore even if he wanted to, which he most certainly did not. He could do this without him.

Swinging the door open, Misaki ran to the elevator, pushing the up button way more times than necessary.

"C'mon c'mon c'mon," he grumbled, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

When the elevator doors finally opened, he dashed inside, and rode the painfully slow lift to the top, only to stumble out when he made it to the 9th floor. He pushed open the door to the conference room and let out a sigh of relief when he realized Mikoto wasn't actually there yet.

Kusanagi however, was casually sorting through some papers. "Ah, Yata-san, take a seat before you pass out," he snorted.

"S-Sorry," Yata muttered, collapsing into one of the chairs. "I, uh, ran to get here," he admitted. "I was running late and..." he paused, deciding not to call attention to the fact that the reason he was late because he couldn't find his damn hat.

Kusanagi simply chuckled. "There's no need to worry about it. You have to understand...Mikoto runs on his own time schedule, and since he's our best talent, we sort of just let him. So when we set a meeting for a certain time, you can almost guarantee he's going to be late.

Staring, Misaki blinked. Mikoto just showed up whenever he wanted? Misaki felt a little foolish for rushing to get to the meeting on time.

"You know you're really late when Mikoto is here before you," he said.

"Right..." Misaki sighed. "Damn...what a relief..." he puffed out his cheeks and pulled out his laptop, getting it ready just in time for Mikoto to finally walk in.

"H-Hi Mikoto-san!" Misaki said, bowing his head.

Mikoto snorted and took a seat next to him. "Kid, you don't have to bow every time you see me."

"R-Right!" Misaki said, nodding quickly.

"You got your stuff?" he asked, folding his arms and shutting his eyes, as though he was absolutely exhausted.

"Oh! Y-Yeah!" he said, pulling up some audio files. "These are just tests, and obviously I won't be singing the final products cause uh, I am not good at singing," he explained, looking to both of the older men for some sort of answer. However, both sat staring, waiting for Misaki to push play.

"Right," he nodded, taking that as his cue to start the song.

The three sat, listening to Misaki's awkward vocals. Listening now, the song felt dry and even a little flat, as though it was missing emotion altogether, and it wasn't just his singing. He glanced at the other two listeners, but neither Kusanagi nor Mikoto seemed to have any sort of expressions on their face. They both stared at the laptop, unmoving.

Clearing his throat, Misaki leaned forward once the song had ended, and pushed play on the other track. As the song rolled through, Misaki focused on the seconds as they slowly ticked down, desperately wanting it to end. Just as the first song had been, Misaki felt this song was possibly even worse. Maybe it was just his vocals?

The ending came, however, and the silence stayed. The tension was thick in the air, and Misaki could tell they didn't like it...and neither of them had said a word.

"Mm," Mikoto grunted finally. "Play that second one again."

Misaki did as he was told, and waited for the taller to say something. Leaning forward, Mikoto paused it on his own after the first few seconds. "So...what happened?" Mikoto asked, and Misaki felt his heart sink. It felt as if his heart was glass and had shattered completely, his breathing painful as broken shards pierced at his lungs.

Glancing down, Misaki clenched at his fists in his lap. What had happened? Saruhiko had ditched him, but Misaki had put it behind him! It wasn't supposed to be affecting him anymore. "I..." he muttered, his voice catching in his throat. The last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of Kusanagi and Mikoto.

"You're better than this," Mikoto said, glancing out the window.

"I think you know it too, Yata-san," Kusanagi nodded. "You don't have to rush."

"I-I know..." Misaki muttered. "It's not that."

"It's that Fushimi guy," Mikoto said with a long sigh. "He's messing with your head."

"N-No! I already put Saru behind me!" Misaki retorted quickly.

Mikoto shook his head, and gestured towards the screen. "Obviously not," he grunted. "Look I don't know what happened between you and Fushimi, but seems to me you wanna talk to him."

"What?! Of course not!" Misaki blurted out. "I want nothing to do with the guy. I tried to get him to talk to me and he turned me down like the asshole he is!"

"Your music says otherwise," Mikoto sighed, gesturing to the computer screen again. "This was boring, basic. It's almost like you did it on purpose. Plus you sat here looking all dejected while we listened, you knew it was bad," Mikoto grumbled.

Misaki had never heard Mikoto talk so much in one go, and he was shocked quite frankly, his jaw dropping.

"It...wasn't that bad," Kusanagi urged, trying to soften the blow. "But we do know you can produce better music than this."

"You can do better," Mikoto shrugged. "It was dry. Like you cut off your emotion from yourself," he explained.

Pursing his lips, Misaki glanced away from Mikoto. For someone who rarely talked, he certainly had a lot of truthful insights. By cutting Saruhiko out of his songs, Misaki had kind of cut his emotions out. Saruhiko had evoked such intense feelings within him, and brought forth such new unique things in his music. Saruhiko was his muse in a way, and though he didn't necessarily need him to sing every song he wrote, not having the option was surprisingly stifling.

And it wasn't as though he couldn't make music without Saruhiko, he'd done it before, but this was all before he'd realized Saruhiko was completely done with him and music. He'd made it very clear when they had had their conversation, and since then writing music had been a struggle. Perhaps there had been a part of Misaki which had always hoped Saruhiko would come back.

"Maybe you need to think about talking to him again," Mikoto said, standing up to leave the room.

Sighing, Misaki placed his head in hands, but jerked up when he felt Kusanagi's hand on his shoulder.

"Mikoto believes in you, Yata-san, you'll figure this out."

Misaki tried to answer, but all he could do was nod.

~~

"What the hell am I going to do?!" Misaki yelled, throwing his backpack on the floor as he explained the situation to Kamamoto once he’d returned home.

"Apologize?" Kamamoto suggested.

"To that bastard?!" Misaki growled. "I think he made his feelings clear!"

"Or...try and make something different?" Kamamoto suggested instead.

Misaki groaned, leaning his head back against the couch. "There's no way that will work, Mikoto is going to know, I just know he's going to know..." he muttered. "I mean he figured it out right away..." he whispered.

"I mean...you've seemed really tense and unhappy the past couple of weeks."

"I'm just...stressed about the tour and the album!" Misaki retorted, but he knew that wasn't true. If anything, those things should've made him happy, thrilled and excited to work on the thing he loved, and yet, it had just been a struggle.

And maybe it was because of Saruhiko and his emotions. His music was missing something, and to Misaki whenever he listened back, it always felt like he was missing Saruhiko. But how the hell was he supposed to get that back?

Sighing, Misaki stood up and began to pace about the room. "And what if...what if I did try and go find Saru..." he muttered. "I mean what the hell am I supposed to do? I'm not going to apologize to him when he was a huge asshole to me! This is mostly his fault, for doing that stupid song with Nagare!" Misaki yelled.

"Ah...Sometimes I forget how stubborn you are," Kamamoto chuckled.

"Oh, I'm so glad this is funny to you Kamamoto!" Misaki scoffed, folding his arms as he continued to walk in circles around the room.

"Sorry, Yata-san," Kamamoto said. "I just...I think it was better when you two were friends or...whatever else you were."

Misaki froze, blushing. He knew he'd had a strong connection with Saruhiko, and not just with music. He did miss it, and him. He didn't want to admit it to the asshole, but damn did he miss him. Hell, he would've taken Saruhiko back even if he didn't want to sing anymore. Misaki just wanted him, no matter what. When had he gotten so weird and desperate?

What had they even fought about in the first place? Misaki was having a hard time remembering. Something about Mikoto? Was it really so bad that Misaki had wanted to work with Mikoto? His sound hadn't changed that much?

But Saruhiko had been so upset...jealous even.

Then it hit him.

Saruhiko was jealous. Jealous of Misaki doing a song with Mikoto, just as Saruhiko had done a song with Nagare. Misaki had felt a surge of jealousy pulse through his veins, and even thinking about it now he felt a bit angry. He'd change the song every time it had come on. But Saruhiko had been invited to collaborate with them and said no.

"Look," Misaki sighed finally. "Even if I wanted to make things better...I don't know how. Saru wants nothing to do with Mikoto. I'm not going to stop working with him...hell, I'm going on a tour with the guy, and if Saru can't accept that..." Misaki trailed off. "Plus Saru said he wanted nothing to do with music anymore, and he especially wants nothing to do with me.

Kamamoto snorted, shaking his head. "And when has that ever stopped you before?" he chuckled.

Blinking, Misaki glanced from Kamamoto to his laptop, then he glanced down the hall to his mixing room. "You're right..." he muttered.

There were so many times he'd been overly pushy with Saruhiko, that was how their entire friendship had started in the first place. It was always Misaki's job to push and push, Saruhiko needed that to do anything different in his life. All this time, Misaki had been waiting for Saruhiko to come to him and apologize, but maybe he had been wrong all along. Misaki had always been the one to go to him, so why would this time be any different? Even if Saruhiko did owe him an apology...Misaki was never going to get it if he didn't do something.

Their fight was now leaking into his music, affecting his possible career. He couldn't let it go on like this. He had to get Saruhiko back in his life. He wouldn't force him to sing, but at least...spending time together, as friends or whatever...it would be enough to keep Misaki focused and not messing up songs.

"But he's never going to talk to me," Misaki said aloud, his jumbled thoughts finally growing clearer.

"You haven't even tried!" Kamamoto said.

"I kind of did..." Misaki muttered.

"What, running down to his office and yelling in his face? That's not really an apology..." Kamamoto teased.

Groaning, Misaki waved his hand towards Kamamoto trying to brush him off. "Yeah that's the problem, after that, he's really never going to talk to me!" he exclaimed. "I mean...we both said some awful shit."

"Sounds like you both need to apologize, and you know Fushimi-san isn't one to make the first move."

"I know," Misaki grumbled, "I literally just thought that. But like I said, even if I contact him he won't answer."

"And like I said," Kamamoto continued, "when has that ever stopped you in the past."

"It hasn't...I just feel like I need something to convince him..." he muttered, tapping his chin as he looked around the room.

Glancing down the hall towards his studio, Misaki's face lit up, the largest smile he'd had in weeks. "That's it, Kamamoto!" he cheered. "I have just the thing!"

And before Kamamoto could answer, Misaki disappeared into his studio.

[butterflygalatic-blog]

Spring Day

Did You Know?

that in BTS ‘봄날 (spring day)’ MV, the train station that showed taehyung waiting in the beginning is actually a real train station, iryeong station in yangju city, gyeonggi-do, albeit an abandoned one, since they only transport cargo now.

and that the music video is one helluva train ride to a place where there stood a tall tree, the place where they got together and come in terms with grief and hardships in life because the cold winter does end at some point, and spring comes. but let’s talk about that later lets, lets talk about the very first lines namjoon uttered so carefully, such vulnerable words

i miss you saying it like this makes me miss you even more even looking at your photos, i miss you ain’t time so heartless i..hated us the us who now can’t even look at each other’s face even once

보고 싶어/bogoshippeo means ‘i miss you’, an informal, casual tone that you can use freely to significant others, friends, families, it literally means ‘i want to see you’ but essentially, it means, ‘i miss you’, here, though, namjoon used 보고 싶다/bogoshipda, which is also an informal word, but a non-conjugated form of 보고 싶어/bogoshippeo, it holds a slightly different meaning than just ‘i miss you’ because it’s not a verb. 

보고 싶다/bogoshipda for lack of better words, is an expression of longing, and carries a deeper emotion than just i miss you, kinda like a monologue (?) cos he’s not saying it to someone in particular, the expression feels a bit colder, which is ironic cos then he went on about how cold time is for making him missing someone.

this place is all winter, even in august winter comes it’s like my heart/mind races with time the lonely ‘snowpiercer’ who travelled to the south (i want to) while holding your hands, go all the way to the other side of the earth i wish i could end this winter, i wonder, friend, how much does the longing should fall like snow for spring day to come?

설국열차 is the korean title for the movie ‘snowpiercer’, also the name of the train in the movie that holds the last remnants of humanity after an attempt at climate engineering in order to stop global warming has unintentionally created a new ice age. 

essentially, people in the train thought no life can exist outside of the train, not knowing there is (a polar bear), which showed up at the end of the movie. i thought it was brilliant how namjoon referenced this movie, it’s like he’s saying no matter how hard circumstances can be, no matter how hard you think you have it, there is always hope, there is always a way out, there’s always spring after a cold cold winter, even when it seems impossible, you can have your cake and eat it

(or not ;p)

the lyrics in this song isn’t that hard to comprehend tbh it’s quite straightforward but the way they express it is both poetry and cynicism at its best, and despite the repetitive chorus the song is atcually quick and full, leaving nothing short of amazement.

like the tiny dust that floats/flies in the air if i’m the snow that flies in the air i would’ve reached you a little faster

my heart swells a little here, because they are reiterating what namjoon says about wanting to hold hands so we can end this winter together, that they want to, if only they’re with us, doesn’t it soothe your heart a little? 

knowing there are people out there who knows how cold life can be, and wants to get to us quickly so we could the end it together

and when some of the members lament

the snowflakes are falling little by little bit more, they fall i miss you (i miss you) how much longer do i have to wait and how many more nights do i have to stay up, to see you? will i ever get to meet you?

the others be consoling like, well,

after we pass by the end of cold winter until spring day comes once again until the flowers blossom at that place (even when it’s cold/even when you have to waited long), for a little while, please stay please stay

but then yoongi’s part came and i sobbed a little because it’s so??

i wonder if you have changed, or if i have changed. perhaps, i’ve changed. i hate the time that’s flowing at this very moment i guess we have changed, huh i guess everyone does that, huh yeah, okay, i hated you but even when you left, there was never a day that i’ve forgotten about you and even though i actually miss you, i’m gonna erase you now cos that’ll hurt way less than blaming you

and it doesn’t help when both seokjin and jimin go on to say

i try to blow away the cold you who is like smoke, like white smoke even when i say i’m going to erase you the truth is i still can’t let you go

/crieS/ which is why the ending gets me because

you know it all you’re my best friend the morning will come again no matter what kind of darkness or (bad) seasons they can’t last forever

(and) it looks like cherry blossoms are blooming (now) and this winter too, is coming to an end i miss you if i wait just a little bit longer if i stay up just a few more nights i will come to see you i will come to take you (away)

after we pass by the end of cold winter until spring day comes once again until the flowers blossom at that place (even when it’s cold/even when you have to waited long), for a little while, please stay please stay

i want to mention here that omelas referenced in the mv as we are all prob aware of by now, tells a story of how a child was kept hidden in a secluded place in the omelas city, with horrible conditions, in exchange of happiness of the entire city. 

and that the same tragedy also shares with children in the movie snowpiercer itself, where they were enslaved and used as replacement parts to keep the train functioning. to put it simply, children depicted in both stories were convinced to give their life for the continuation of a way of life that was totally oppressive to their own circumstances, which is extremely radical in a way that has deep resonance for our real world, like how can you stand being together in a society that is built from abuse and discrimination, entrenched inequality, and do nothing?

and it is precisely because of this, bangtan continues to voice out their opinions as they did in previous albums, and call out the perpetrators as well as the bystanders for everyhting that has gone wrong, that could go wrong, and that is going wrong in the society, especially in the events relating to their home country south korea

let me bring you back to the music video where jimin picked up the white shoes from the winter sea

the white shoes that middle-school/high school students wear in south korea

and how he carries the shoes all through out the mv

before he brought them to a tree after they all got off the train

and hang them

these scenes imo is very much referenced to the sewol ferry tragedy that took place in april, 2014, the incident that had resulted in more than 300 deaths, including 250 second-year high school students and their teachers from danwon high school who were on a field trip that day, and is recognized as one of the most devastating maritime disaster in decades, and it’s not just because of a sinking ferry itself but because of willfull negligence and corruption.

fyi when the ferry was sinking, the captain of the ship and a number of cabin crew made announcement for the passengers to stay where they were when they themselves chose to abandon the ship while hundreds of people were still trapped inside. and being good citizens they all remained at their cabin, where they waited for further orders, which never came

the members of crew who stayed to help passengers were among those who died.

and the disaster doesn’t end there. it was found out later that the ship itself was illegally modified and was carrying almost double its legal limit with inexperienced crew and a questionable relationship between the ship operators and state regulators. 

the investigation was also conducted behind closed doors where the families are not permitted to observe the recovery operation, these allegations as well as  the way the government lacked transparency adds more to the lengthy laundry list of grievances souht koreans have against park geun hye’s administration. there were questions raised as to where she was when it happened that morning and why wasn’t the issue addressed publicly even 7 hours afterwards.

the yellow ribbons symbolize hope and solidarity with the families victims and i think it’s genius how they incorporate this knowing very well that they can be blacklisted from the government which is ridiculous at every level. 

the government was highly blamed for many lives lost that day, what with the lack of safety standards in the country, the families were also mostly left out of the investigation, there’s just so many dissatisfaction ppl have over park geunhye’s administration, and that itself is an understatement. 

and with bangtan and bighit donating 100 million won (approximately $85,000) to the sewol ferry disaster 416 family council, they are probably blacklisted already

the pile of clothing could also be a metaphor to ppl who left this world as exhibited by french artist christian boltanski’s work entitled ‘personnes’ as part of monumenta in 2010. 

i quote, “These grouped clothes may represent mass graves, or corpses arrayed for identification in the school gym, but they also constitute a kind of cemetery. For the experience is just the same: that there is nobody here and yet the place is crowded. Personnes, the piece is called: people, but at the same time no one.”

which is why even though tying shoes high on a tree branch or power lines have variation in meanings for different country and culture, there is one famous belief taht i think is what is meant here; that tying shoes high on a tree branch signifies someone has died and that the shoes belong to the dead person. that the reason they are hanging, is so when the dead person’s spirit returns, it will walk that high above the ground, that much closer to heaven

and it would’ve been fine to just reference spring day like this as a remembrance to the passing of the passengers and the beautiful children because the song DOES talk about grief and hardships in life, and that no matter what kind of darkness or (bad) seasons they can’t last forever

but then bangtan had these lines that are repeatedly voiced melancholically all throughout the chorus until the very end of the song and i just–

after we pass by the end of cold winter until spring day comes once again until the flowers blossom at that place (even when it’s cold/even when you have to waited long), for a little while, please stay please stay

it’s as if bangtan is throwing shade at the captain and his crew for being dishonorable, asking the children to stay where they were ‘until the rescue boats arrive’ when they themselves were up and about ready to get out of the ship,

it’s just.

when the boys say these last lines it’s as if, it’s as if the boys are saying to the children that they know it’s hard to wait, but just stay there. it’s okay to stay there, i’ll come to you instead, yeah? just you wait there till i come to you so we can end this suffering together