#i also have no idea how i'm going to sustain myself because i genuinely do not want to work lol

[crimsonhydrangeavn]

Hi! I absolutely loved the demo of your game—it was amazing! I'm excited to see more of it. I have two questions: First, how would Garret or Teagan react if they were in a room full of yanderes with y/n? Second, I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but I'm genuinely curious—how long does it usually take to release a new episode? I'm really looking forward to continuing the game, and I appreciate all the hard work you put into it. I hope I'm not rushing anyone, and I'm truly sorry if it comes off that way. Thank you so much for reading!

Thank you so much for your ask! I'll go ahead and answer your second question first before moving onto the first one! lol

I wanted to start off by thanking you for asking your question in a kind and respectful way, I completely understand where you're coming from and I don't take any offense to it what so ever!

I know I really appreciate transparency when it comes to games/ things I'm a fan of, so I want to do what I can to make sure I'm as honest and upfront with you all as possible.

So I went through my logs and did the math. Day 1 took me about 6 months from start to finish and Day 2 took me almost a full year from start to finish. That being said, Day 1 was 11k words and Day 2 was 24.5k words total. So given the fact that Day 2 was more than twice as long as Day 1, I can see why it took double the time as Day 1. (That and I learned how to add animation into Renpy and spent a little over a month going down that rabbit hole and making a few animations for the game. I also spent some time refining Day 1 while working on Day 2 so that probably made the Day 2 release take longer than it would have otherwise)

The reason why it takes as long as it does is because I'm making this game entirely by myself. That includes the script, all of the art assets, the programming, the audio, and not to mention all of the social media, and patreon content.

On top of that I also have a pretty steady stream of freelance work that usually equals to about 30-50 hours a week. I've burnt myself out in the past and I'm trying to keep a sustainable pace where I'm making progress on CHVN but I'm also enjoying life and taking breaks as needed.

That being said, I do post monthly game updates on my patreon to discuss what I've finished that month, what I have left, and what the current word count is. ( ATM it's longer than Day 1 and I still have a lot planned haha)

I also think it's worth mentioning that this is my first game and I'm learning how to do everything from scratch. My background is in the visual arts so programming and audio stuff is completely foreign to me. That being said, I'm stubborn as hell and for better or for worse once I put my mind to something, I'll get it done one way or another.

Hopefully that answers your question! Once I finish up the script portion of Day 3, I can give a better estimate of how long it'll take me, but until then I really have no idea when the actual release date will be.

Now, onto the easier/ fun part of your question! lol

Garret would play nice at first, however he would make sure that he was never more than a step away from your side. He doesn't trust anyone to behave themselves around you, especially if they're anything like him.

Teagan on the other hand would immediately try to get you to leave the room. They don't deal well with competition and would want to remove you from the situation asap. If you refused/ couldn't leave with them, then they would make sure to talk shit about all of the other Yandere's and taint your view of them. While it would put an obvious target on their own back, at least they'd know you wouldn't talk to or go off with them out of your own free will.

Thank you again for all of your support! I really appreciate it and I can only hope that the next update is worth the wait!

[bomberqueen17]

what is up froods

lol i keep forgetting to like. actually write updates in my personal journal. i'm using this tumblr too much like a tumblr.

i went down a rabbit hole the other night in that i just opened my own archives and went back to 2013 and then realized i started this in 2011. i didn't say a lot, back then i definitely was still using my LJ for Big Personal Updates and Tumblr was exclusively for snappy shitposts, and then I abandoned the LJ and only blogged in snappy shitposts for a while, and I did some vagueblogging that I genuinely have no idea what it was about, and that's fun.

But there's some. Boy there's some real fossils in there. God everything stays the same but everything happens so much.

I know I've backed up this blog but IDK how much you can make it make sense, offline. Anyway. That's how it goes. I'm not in any kind of existential panic about the site I'm just reacting to the zeigeist here, it made me think of old times.

I go back to the farm in a couple of weeks-- just for a couple of weeks, but the Season is Starting. My physical therapist keeps giving me more exercises. She's right, my core strength is wretched, but when I said I'd tried to do crunches now and then, tried to stay a tiny bit fit but-- she was like omg no you can't do crunches, with that hip cartilage as it is, so I felt a little better. So she's teaching me what I *can* do, and the important thing is that she's like you cannot do this more than every other day or three times a week, you cannot rush this kind of thing, and it's wonderful advice contrary to all the other advice I've ever had in my life which was like every moment you're not doing more work you're being a lazy shit. So, that's nice. I'll cut because nothing else here is going to be interesting.

I'm not the youngest person at physical therapy but there's a lot of old people there. I haven't been masking, I've been being lazy and just using xylitol nose spray before I go, and it's been fine, but I know that's just luck. (I see no one but Dude, who sees almost no one but me, so the consequences of fucking up would be minor.) with a trip to the farm coming up, I'm going to go back to masking, at least in the lead-up to the trip-- because last time I had COVID I had almost no symptoms, and nowadays apparently the rapid tests aren't super useful. The way I'm coping is, I know, a logical fallacy-- since COVID wasn't bad the one time I had it, I'm just telling myself I'm resistant naturally and it won't hurt me, and I know this is not the truth at all but it helps me cope-- but I cannot stand the thought of spreading it to someone who would be more hurt by it, so I have convinced myself not to fear catching it but to fear spreading it. I figure it's effectively the same and lets me not just be fucking terrified all the time.

I also discovered that a former employee of the farm who's out here going to college is interested in carpooling, and we've already got a tentative date for him to ride back with me on my way back from the farm at the end of March, and this has lightened my spirits a great deal. It's such a long drive and it feels like such a waste of gas, and he does have a car but it's not actually that safe to drive on the Thruway. (He swears up and down it's perfectly safe but just not at sustained speeds over 60. I was like omg kid do NOT, I will drive, my car is brand fkn new. He's taking the train home and will ride back with me.)

Let's see. Oh I don't think I've kept up with posting about the kitchen painting. It's down to the last tiny fiddly details, and what I've got to do is do a half-stencil in the corner above the door, and I did one half yesterday and will finish the rest today. I had to custom cut out a copy of part of the stencil to make it work, and it's sort of janky and I am going to have to hand-paint it with a lot of masking tape, but it's such a small area that like, why not, I can be that fussy. It's fine.

Once I finish that, which if I do part in the morning and part in the afternoon I can do today, then I can FINALLY CLEAN UP AND PUT AWAY all the painting detritus. I can't tell you how excited I am to do that.

I've also been doing fabric dyeing, finally. I collected several of the muslin garments I'd finished and meant to do something with, and got out my dyes. I did a batch of ice dye solely because I forgot which ones I'd intended to use for that; now I have a pair of slightly ill-fitting homemade leggings that look like a clown threw up on them, and a cheerful sweatshirt to match. i then used the runoff to dye the cream-colored canvas work smock-- I sort of tie-dyed it because I pasted up a little bit of two of the component colors and poured that on a couple areas that I then rubberbanded, because I wanted tie-dye but did not want any white areas left. So it's a blue/purple/red smock now, and the rainbow stitching I constructed it with was polyester so it's still rainbow, huzzah. Subtle and understated and also I can smear it with filth and maybe it will still look intentional.

[image description: a canvas work smock with big pockets, hanging to dry, mostly a mucky dark purple but with some brighter splotches of red and dark blue, and some bits of paler purple.]

[image description: assorted garments draped over drying racks in a sunporch, in blotchy shades of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, all kind of run together but not murky.]

And then I did another batch of ice dye, this time with the dyes I had bought that are supposed to work well for this because they split. That dress is still in the wash so I don't have pictures of how it turned out, but mostly it just looks splotchy green. LOL oh well. The point was, I made all these test garments in undyed fabric, but I don't have a lifestyle where I can wear a white dress, so now I have some non-white dresses I don't have to be precious about. Some of them I should now probably hem and like actually finish..........

I have one dress and one shirt left, and a pair of light-wash jeans I don't like wearing, and I'm thinking about trying like. Ombre or something. We'll see if I get around to that.

My sewing area is still a fuckin disaster and I don't want to think about it. But I'm cutting out a vest from scrap denim, I want a quilted abrasion-resistant washable work vest for farm work next week and I gotta get a move on. All I need now is to cut out the batting and get to it. So hopefully today.

I took photos, I might try writing up how-tos on the dyeing and on the repurposed denim stuff, but I also might not. If I was doing this again I would probably not bother with the ice, for the rainbow one. We'll see once the properly ice dyed dress comes out of this wash, I can hear the washer spinning but I'm trapped under Chita at the moment.

I missed this week's fic update because I'm progressing so slowly on both current active WIPs. I have a bunch written ahead in both, but each one has the back half of the current chapter just held up waiting for me to write them; I've overcome the structural decisions that delayed me, but I have to just sit and write them. And both of them are complicated scenes I've been waiting to write a long time, so I'm looking forward to writing them, and so like, paradoxically, can't make myself do it. Because once I've done it I'll have done it, see... anyway. Silly but there it is. I'll get through it once I decide I deserve that treat. I know! I know.

[chaotic-archaeologist]

hi! i'm not sure how exactly to word what i'm asking so i'll just explain what i've been thinking about lately. i'm currently in grad school for archaeology and ive just always had so much interest in classical history and i'd really love to do some excavation work in italy one day, but at the same time i'm feeling a sense of guilt because i come from a country where archaeology has only recently started picking up and there is still so much history that is yet to be uncovered and studied and talked about, especially when it comes to our pre-colonial period! i feel like i have a moral obligation to stay here and help in finding out everything i can about my own country's history, and of course i do genuinely want to do that, but i also feel that guilt because i know that it's not where i see myself devoting my career to and because i know it wouldn't make me as happy if i settled. i reaaaaaally really want to excavate elsewhere but i feel like that just makes me another scientist who doesn't love their country enough and would rather hop over to study history's most famous colonisers (i know that that's really not the case but sometimes it feels like it to me and then i start questioning myself...)

Okay, here's the thing: it's okay to be a little bit selfish. Your life is yours, and that's also true for your research.

For a long time I was split between becoming a Jewish studies scholar and a Civil War scholar. I was getting a lot of pressure from my community to go the Jewish studies route, which is understandable. Spoiler alert: that's not the path I took.

I chose to study the Civil War because that's where my passion is, and I think I can make a more meaningful contribution to society in the long term by choosing to focus on an interest I can sustain. And... I didn't feel like I had a lot of original ideas that I could contribute to Jewish studies because it wasn't what I spent my time thinking about.

This applies to a lot of other things, particularly activism. An activist who has burned themselves out to the extent where they can't organize anymore isn't doing anyone (or themself) any good. What you want matters. It's okay if those wants don't always align 100% with what other people want from you.

Another thing: X cultural concept doesn't always have to be applied to a limited range of subjects. I bring a very different mindset to studying the Civil War because I come from a unique background. You can bring a fresh viewpoint to Classics because you've had very different experiences than many other Classics scholars. And really, isn't promoting Jewish/anti-colonial scholarship outside of those disciplines furthering their cause?

Finally, it doesn't have to be either/or! Three years after deciding to become a Civil War scholar, I applied to be a TA for a Judaic Studies class. I'm really excited to help a bunch of students learn about Jewish history and culture, and part of that excitement exists because I'm not forcing myself to do it all the time. Who says that you can't go on a dig in Italy and then come home and help your country recover its pre-colonial heritage?

Do both. By all means, apply to go on a dig overseas! Take a class in the Classics department just for your enjoyment. At the same time, stay involved with your culture and its archaeology. Follow the opportunities that feel right to you. You deserve to be happy.

-Reid

[system-of-a-feather]

Here's the thing I feel a lot of people have a lot of trouble wrapping their heads around regarding my trauma responses and mental health profile and all is just that some of my arguably most "symptomatic" moments tend to ALSO be my most productive - either on a personal or societal level. And I don't mean to say that in a good way either.

I can't really properly genuinely and full heartedly feel right complaining because in the end of the day, my life gets better and better at a rapid rate and most decisions while biting off a lot more immediate stress do make it so that I am doing way better than other people in my situation would

But at the same time, it never stops and even if everything I do makes my life better and better, I really really don't know how to stop and I struggle to stop and due to a combination of trauma-driven behavior and just shit that is so so so so deeply ingrained, every time I get a moment of extended peace, I end up creating a really good, really productive multi month plan and just consume my time that way.

And I know that I'm doing it - every time I know that I am doing it, but I can't really just say no when the alternative is that I have to sit with the extreme discomfort of stagnancy and sit in an experience I am not used to, be aware of and tolerate a state of stress and misery when I know how to fix it, and just generally knowingly doing what I am certain would be a positive in favor of a hypothetical, theoretically healthy "break"

As a result, I rarely really get the chance to stop and take a break. I rarely get the chance to stop and ENJOY the fruit of my labor. I always have a moment in the future to work for and it's exhausting.

Anyways, I just made a huge plan that is gonna take up a good chunk of time and I am super excited but I'm also, just for a minute looking at myself and sighing, cause its a huge hassle and I am once again filling my down time with manufactured challenges.

Yeah the challenges will greatly help my life so it isn't POINTLESS challenges, but again - I always have to ask myself - where is the end to this?

Every year, every month, every time, that's the question I always have to ask and I never really have a satisfactory answer - only loose theoreticals.

At what point, can I just enjoy existing?

At what point will I stop chasing an amorphous "when things are right" and "when nothing can disrupt our security" and "when I have [insert environmental change]".

Cause honestly, at this point, all I want is a place and sustainable life style to roost in. I wanna make a nest and just sleep in it. I'm probably not Riku, either Fei or some fragment part, because I know Riku TM has so many projects that theyd want to work on IN their roost, but I dunno. I personally just honestly want to stop having to have three bags packed and ready to fly the coop

I really really can't complain though. This flight, while absolutely driven by this extremely entrenched maladaptive coping mechanism and a total flight response to life challenges, is a very very very smart decision and direction to go and I think its a good idea and will help us in the long run and all that on a mental, financial, socio-emotional, and physical level, but I really can't say I'm not tired of Doing This.

For context, since I don't think we ever said it, Riku felt moderately anxious and mildly depressed (they have been this whole time because they can't sit and wait for other people to give information so they can plan things) and checked up on a thing and in less than 48 hours

>decided they were going to assume PhDs all were rejecting us (fair) rather than hoping cause our system really doesn't do "hope" we just Do Action >decided they were done living in California cause its stupid expensive >decided to check out jobs in Colorado (one of our ideal long term end goal states to live in) >decided to apply to three >got an interview back for 2 >got a job offer >began active coordination with our fiance to move to Colorado

And it's great, it honestly really is. (figured it out, mostly Chunn lol) On all levels its a good idea and it brings us closer to the "when we have [nonexhaustive list of things that need to be met in life] we can enjoy" which is honestly something we need + we've been needing to get out of this area that we grew up in mental health wise. The level of which we can confidentally make these decisions as a whole and our ability to plan and what not is great and amazing

It's just also like.... damn we really work fast and sometimes its hard to keep up with ourselves man.

Honestly, I'm looking forward to it. I am, there's like so many great places for me to walk and bike and sit and shit there compared to here. I just also am still the part that is a variation of Data who I know would be having an aneurysm and this is all a lot for my headass that just wants to sit and look at trees.

Sometimes I'm too autistic for this system and how fast they move and make changes. It's ableist, I struggle with transitions //joking//

[pastelwitchling]

Reposting this here for any Brits who've read Red, White & Royal Blue because I'd love to get your opinions on this.

Keep in mind, RWRB is my absolute FAVORITE romance, I give it 5 stars every time, I'm currently on my 9th reread and thoroughly enjoying myself as always, I've watched the movie every single night since it came out, and twice on the actual day it came out. This is just something I've noticed, so if you can't handle any critique of the book, don't keep reading, but I was wondering...

I certainly don't think the book is flawless, I think it presents an ideal version of the American government (which in a fictional world definitely isn't a bad thing), but I feel like it then uses that to stroke America's ego on accomplishments it hasn't actually made, and then further uses it to kind of like…

I don't know, demean Britain for keeping a monarchy and how the royal family is so useless and does no good for anyone or, to quote the movie, has "any meaningful impact on people's lives" which I wouldn't personally know about, since I don't really follow the royal family that closely. But the book is very much "America deserves the golden throne because (in this fictional setting) we elected a woman and her mixed family into the presidency, and Britain sucks because (in actual reality) it stole this and did that and doesn't do this and doesn't do that."

Basically, it's very much congratulating America for things it hasn't actually done, while simultaneously beating down on the UK for things it has, and… I don't know, oversimplifying things like the monarchy and British contributions and stuff? …I have no idea what I'm getting at, I just feel very much like, "Okay, Casey, we get it, you love America."

For one thing, I feel like the movie (which I'm totally obsessed with, remember) erases all the good Henry did with his charity work and how involved he was, and I feel like the book not only glosses over the "genocidal empire" that America actually is (not that I want them to go into detail about that, not when I'm picking up a romance, but if you're going to talk about the actions of the monarchy, you can't just pretend America has an innocent past or present, you can't just dismiss all the bad it has done, too), but it also diminishes the good that Prince Henry does do.

There's a particular line in an email where Henry tells Alex that he has to go to Germany because "the monarchy has decided we care about sustainable energy, apparently--or at least that we want to appear to." Lines like that very much feel to me like an American taking jabs at the UK (which if written by a Brit, I wouldn't say anything about, but because it's written by an American, it feels a little high-horsey to me), and I'm not saying that "no, you can't say that because they genuinely care and how dare you imply otherwise?!"

But do you see what I mean about stroking America's ego and glossing over its own self-serving actions? When the US does something, it's because they genuinely care and want to help, but when the UK does something, especially the monarchy, it's because they want to "appear to."

This is strange to me considering Henry in the book spends almost all of the time he's mentioned doing some kind of charity work. Is that meant to be for show, too?

I don't know. It just makes me scoff a little bit given everything that's been happening in the country since 2016 (this was released three years later, by the way, and the jabs at 2016 in the book don't go unnoticed) whenever I read about Alex and Henry talk about the US government like it's just so much more well-intentioned and charitable and more accepting and it's like, Yeah, okay, sure.

Again, I want to reiterate how much I love this book and movie, how much I love Alex and Henry. A reason I don't reblog movie gifs or have talked before about the book is because I have the same problem with them that I have with Harry Potter and Tyler Blackburn, which is that I love them too much to talk about them, I cannot find the vocabulary to do my love for them justice, so I just don't say anything. (You know that one Emma quote? "If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more"? That's my whole being.) I might share my tabs and annotations at some point because I've started annotating the book for the first time on this reread and I'm having the time of my life. But I did want to know if any UK bookdragons who've read the book, or even just US readers who've read it, have any opinions on this or felt a certain way about it.

[obstinatecondolement]

Having kind of a post-NaNoWriMo dip in mood re: the fic groove I have been in tbh. (mental illness and insecurity bullshit, mensturation mention cw)

I do still feel Very Strongly about the ideas I have and I do want to write them/continue working on them in the case of the two WIPs I started this week, but without the external structure of the event it's harder to thinking about sustaining that, especially given that I was making so many glaring mistakes that I feel looked very amateurish (I know it's an amateur hobby, but whatever, I expect very ridiculously high standards of myself in almost everything that I would never hold anyone else to and it's always crushing when I inevitably fail to meet them, lol).

The things I was getting wrong were mostly basic spelling errors, using the wrong word in common phrases that turned things into the uncanny valley of that phrase that didn't not make sense but weren't how anyone would say that particular thing naturally, accidentally flipping word order (or not rephrasing the rest of a sentence properly after copying and pasting things around, etc.), and just, like ... random gibberish typos that only became obvious to me after I posted, despite trying really hard to self edit myself carefully.

It's very difficult for me to have the focus to be able to do that sort of detail oriented task when things are in fast-brain mode. And, like, attention to detail is something I am typically very good at, so it's deeply embarrassing to me, especially in a new fandom where I'm creating a first impression.

And like, more generally I also feel like the shine has kind of gone off me and, I know that this is just my literal mental illness distorting my perception of Everything, but it feels like the fandom is already kind of over me because I'm too much. This is all very much a me problem and I don't think it's true or that anyone has treated me badly or done anything that would reasonably create this impression to a person who was not Going Through It (hence the read-more and, like, also: if you are a recent Ghosts follower you have done nothing wrong and have been nothing but nice to me and I don't want you to reassure me*, I'm just insane and I need to get a grip/have serious mental health issues and need to be better at distress tolerance and not being so insecure in how I'm perceived and prone to assuming that people are sick of me.

But, anyway, I think that part of this is just like... also pretty normal? Hypomanic episodes can last up to months, but usually they do fizzle out much sooner than that for most people most of the time, so I think that I just have kind of run out of steam and now I'm going low again having been pretty high for a sustained two-ish weeks and the very obvious external end of the line signal given by NaNo ending has kind of naturally triggered that downturn.

And I am like, speaking pretty approximately here? I think I probably have mixed episodes more than pure hypomanic episodes, for the most part? But, yeah, I don't know. I think the rollercoaster is coming out of a corkscrew and it's just going down now. Which, you know, does suck but it also won't last forever, so that is some comfort. I also still think I might be premenstrual, which does fuck with my head a lot, so, y'know. TL;DR, I'll be fine, but I am having a hard time. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

*Like, genuinely, please don't. This is a Me problem and I think it would be bad both for me and for my relationships with others if I were to make the people around me feel that they had to constantly protect my feelings by showering me with attention and reassurance, or whatever. And also, like, I'd feel Very Bad if I thought other people felt guilted into doing that because I made a vent post about my irrational feelings that I know full well on an intellectual level are not reflecting an objective reality, because other people do not deserve to feel personally responsible for the bullshit my brain pulls on me.

[ms-revived-frogs]

Sending an ask because that post is getting way too fucking long and I really don't want to torment my followers with that shitshow anymore

You don't know shit about me homegirl. Lmao "I know your type" I'm literally the only bitch insane enough to say this shit publicly and not be trolling.

But I will say my aggression is because I've seen too much bullshit on the internet. You're a feminist, everything you say is coated in a thick glaze of deception to hide the major superiority complex you have because you think women are better. At least that's the vibe I get. But I've seen more feminists than you've seen people like me.

You act all nice on the surface to make anyone who questions you seem like the bad guy, but like, you really don't need to do that. Your circlejerk is already completely ready to attack anyone different than you.

Also I will not be DMing you. I'm not a coward. I let my followers know the shit I say.

And, seriously, like, yeah men should support eachother, but like, maybe people should just support eachother in general eh? I know that's hypocritical coming from me, the spiteful cunt, but lemme tell ya, I support people who deserve it in my eyes, which is probably more than you would imagine.

Also [I say also too much. I'm generally incoherent as you've probably already noticed] you talk down to me like I'm some kind of misguided fool, but I'll have you know that I follow the path I chose for myself. Nobody told me this. In fact, I followed the path that society told me not to. I see past the bullshit. I sound like a fucking joker meme right now but idk how the fuck else to word it.

Hell, idk how to word anything ever. I'm notoriously terrible with words.

Anyways. This ask is way too fucking long already. This argument changed nothing about either of us, and never will. It is ultimately pointless. Whoops

Except you aren't saying anything publicly. You are hiding behind the mask of the internet, because even you know the stuff you say is reprehensible. Most incels are aware of this too, that's why they have incel.net and other forums to share their hateful ideas. Which are often violent towards our sex, by the way.

And I don't think I've ever said women are better in this whole thread. I showed the facts that women form better communities and sustain each other better. Men generally lack this. I don't believe any disparity is inherent to nature though, I don't think there's some hidden male and female gene that triggers women to form more positive groups than men. But it is true nonetheless that men's communities usually dissolve into hierarchies and structurally shitting on each other. You see how men play video games and all harass / insult each other, you see men at football games physically assaulting supporters of the other team, you see men drinking ten beers at the pub and then punching random guys. Men have little care for each other and little care for women too. If men learned to form better communities and cared for each other, they would ultimately see a great boost in their mental health and security! This is not a hateful thing to say, nor a "superiority complex". Men should learn empathy for themselves and others. This is a very basic tenet of feminism.

And I'm not "acting like a nice guy", I'm being honest and genuine. I'm not sure why a woman being empathetic is hard for you to understand, unless you actually see all women as malicious. Which is ... sad. And yes! All people should care for each other. But this is a gendered issue. Men having poor mental health relates go this specific phenomenon of them treating each other terribly in their own groups, which you haven't found a rebuttal for. What does it say about men's mental health, when their communities are more littered with bullying and malice, and what does it say about women's mental health, when they tend to thrive and perform better together? Only an idiot would try to deny this. Obviously women's mental health will be generally better and obviously women will have more access to mental health support, we rely on other women! The same cannot be said for men, whose communities lack that element of support. This is not even a radical feminist statement, it's very bland and basic.

Anyways, you will grow up and see that you were wrong to be so hateful. Whether you "chose it" or not, there's always room for growth.

[nicohischier]

get to know me

tagged by: @hischiersjohnston thank you bestie

didn't tag anyone* due to my chronic fear of being annoying but pls snoop all you like

do you make your bed? no, i'm simply way too lazy in the morning to make my bed.

favourite number? 8! i was born on 8/8 so i guess the number just stuck out to me lol

what’s your job? i'm currently in that super fun period of being recently graduated with no prospects, no experience, and no network. also a lot of anxiety. i'm working on it.

if you could go back to school, would you? yeah. i still might go back in a few years to do education or something.

can you parallel park? once upon a time i could, but now i don't drive (classic lack of car woes) so i'm pretty comfortable in saying i can't parallel park anymore.

do you think aliens are real? yes, absolutely. i'm not saying i believe that there's a whole civilized society hanging out a few billion light years away, but the category of aliens extends into every living life form, no matter how insentient or microscopic. the universe is simply too vast for me to even entertain the idea that earth is the only planet or other celestial body capable of sustaining plant life or single cell organism or whatnot.

can you drive a manual car? no! tbh at this point it's been so long since i've drove period, that idk if i'm even allowed to say i can drive an automatic lmao

guilty pleasure? i cannot deny that i have spent money on genshin to get characters/weapons and while i fully acknowledge that i've given into the gacha trap, i spend responsibly and never in excess. it's a game i genuinely love and i do believe that adults are free to spend their money wherever they wish. some people buy cigarettes, i buy little anime characters.

tattoos? world's saddest no. i would like to get some tho, i'm just generally the type of person who gets super invested in something for a while and then drops it after a while, which includes tattoo ideas. right now i'm flirting with the cassiopeia constellation (name of my favourite kpop groups fandom), "we don't need the memories" which is a team motto from haikyuu, line art of a cat because i'm a cat person, and some others with personal significance. and some more fandom ones. but fandom ones are finicky so. shrug.

favourite colour? i do dearly love the colour red. also a big fan of taupe, which is. probably the most boring answer i could give. "oh yeah my favourite colour? beige." god.

favourite type of music? to the surprise of hopefully none of you, i'm a kpop fan. i also really love whatever genre of music guys like alexander stewart and lewis capaldi make.

do you like puzzles? yes so much! i got so into a puzzle the other day that i was up until 5am doing it like i fr just didn't notice how long i was doing it 😭

any phobias? i used to have such a bad fear of spiders. now it's just big ones that freak me out or ones that are on me. i'm working on getting over it though. bugs in general make me feel a bit sick to me stomach tho i won't lie.

favourite childhood sport? i used to be a gymnastics kid lol. was super into pro gymnasts for a little bit, but generally it was a sport i preferred actually doing.

do you talk to yourself? yes and it's so embarrassing because i fucking do it in public without realizing. one day i was in the bookstore talking myself through choosing a book to buy when someone turned the corner and was like "oh! it's just you!". that was almost my 13th reason i am so fucking serious.

tea or coffee? tea if it's hot, coffee if it's cold.

first thing you wanted to be when growing up? wanted to be a vet soooo bad. then i grew up and realized how scary chemistry and biology are and figured maybe i would leave that to the science brained people 😭

what movies do you adore? well my letterboxd top movies are inception, les miserables, the outsiders, and the old guard which is. sorta accurate. the first three are definitely true. i could slot miracle (2004), brokeback mountain, legally blonde, kingsman, etc. into my fave movies list over TOG if i'm being honest but. yknow how it is.

tagging: @sportsnet tyler do this or else.

[ziaron]

woah hi ok UMMMMMMFHSKXNXKSB (this is my first request so excuse how bad i’ll be at explaining this to you)

ive always had this idea about someone a person is dating ending up being a yandere, like they really wanna protect you to the point they kidnap you and treat you like a goddess like that and just hurts everyone that interferes? or if they see someone that’s getting closer than they’d like or they’re jealous they’d just break their leg and go “oh! they fell down the stairs yesterday :(.. i helped them, it was so sad!”

also what if they’re like kinda scary but try to be nicer around you because to them you’re like an absolute angel or goddess

I MEAN YOU SAID YOU WANT A REASON TO WRITE SO I GAVE YA ONE

also idk if u do the anon thing where they have a name i completely forgot but if u do i really like oranges so 🤭🤭 maybe i could be orange anon… OKAY THATS JUST ME BEING AN IDIOT LMFAO

Loved orange anon xDD --- 🍊🍊🍊

I'm going to write more, i just am a bit burnt at the moment

Ok but in all seriousness im willing to regress into my feral writer form to satiate your needs ♡♡♡ (P.s. Lyo is read like Leo)

cw: Yandere behavior, manipulation, physical assult (Not towards reader), threats, idolization, stalking

'No relationship is perfect- no one is perfect.' you keep repeating to yourself.

What kills you is, for the most part, he is perfect. You've truly never felt this amount of love, tenderness or care in your entire life. So what if his eyes widen just at the sight of you enter a room- like he was meeting a deity of some kind. Isn't it wrong to ask less of him? Of a man so utterly devoted to you?

"What are you thinking about, angel?" Lyo's concerned eyes stare daggers into yours, waiting patiently for your reply.

"What am I-? Oh... nothing." After you speak there's nothing but silence for a minute or two

"It's just that-... Well... I know something is wrong so- can you just tell me so I can fix it?" He leans in as you quickly pull away, last time you let him 'fix' an issue between you and someone else your friend of two years sustained some pretty nasty bruises, bruises way too specifically placed to have been caused by a tumble in the dirt.

You let it slide then- 'just once' you thought. Since your so called friend had turned into a real jackass after having a few too many, and refused to take no for an answer. You didn't even bother to start a fight even when you knew Lyo was lying to your face about just walking him home, the quick glimpse of fresh scratches on his knuckles where all the proof you needed at the time.

But then there was that 'accident' on the staircase, the scared glances that surround him, the constant hovering, and the multiple monologs about how deeply he loves you, how he will always protect you; how you were like a divine being, taking pity on the likes of him-.

'He doesn't mean to- he doesn't know he's wearing me down... He doesn't mean to.'

"Please- just let me handle it myself. I'll be alright." you give him a reassuring glance before an abrupt

SLAM

As his hand meets the table. Instantly, you look at him with a mixture of shock, confusion and fear.

"I'm sorry! I'm so-so sorry! I didn't mean to! I just-!" Lyo's posture shrinks- like he's trying to make himself look as non-threatening as possible after seeing the look on your face.

You'd never seen him like that before. He was always incredibly calm with you-

"-please dont be mad at me, angel!" He reaches to cup your face in his hands "I just want to protect you... that's all...... GODDAMN IT! This is all his fault! YOU KNOW THAT?!"

Your mouth is still agape as you watch him unravel. 'Did he want to hit me?' 'Was he going to hit me?' were the only thoughts going through your head as you watched him pace.

Finally after a minute you blurt out

"I can't do this anymore. For a second there- I genuinely thought you might hurt me. I can't do this, I'm sorry, I need to leave."

He freezes.

"Don't." Lyo's voice came out as half threatening, half pleading. Like he was dreading what he would have to do next.

"I need you. Please- I just want to protect you! You know I would never hurt you! Ever! I just got a little frustrated! That's all! Don't be stupid, you know I'd never ever hurt you! I'D NEVER HURT YOU!?! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT?! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I-"

"Stop!", "I made my decision."

"So what? Mine doesn't matter then? What am i supposed to do without you? I have nothing without you. You aren't just the greatest thing in my life- you- you are my life!" Desperation clang to every word Lyo spoke, making your heart ache.

He could tell you were caving, as pools began to cloud your eyes you croak out a pitiful "ok..." before feeling his warm embrace.

Lyo gently pets your head, holding you tightly for a good few minutes while you cry. Knowing that just like a moth drawn to flame, He has you exactly where he wants you, no- needs you.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

so like. this is going to be so rambly and i'm sorry. please skim lol i don't want to put you through all that. but i've been thinking i might be ace or prob gray ace for over two years. and i'm still convincing myself "it just hasn't happened yet you'll start feeling regular attraction someday." and like it's not that i haven't had a sexual awakening yet or whatever lmao i definitelyyy have. i'm an adult and i def experience like a sex drive and think about it lots lol it's just the attraction isn't really there and that's the part that would make me ace, like in theory i know that it's what makes the most sense.

but i think i have experienced genuine attraction ... like twice in my life. and i kept thinking 'when i go to college, i'll feel more attraction, i just don't like anyone at this school.' and i do feel occassional attraction in college now, i do feel it more here. i do regularly think people i walk past are attractive, but it's never anything real. it never lasts or anything. and i'm wondering if this is just how everyone feels, but it doesn't feel that way. i haven't had a legit crush that i didn't force in years. and when i feel this fleeting attraction like it doesn't feel like it could become something real. but i don't know if that experience of attraction is just what everyone feels or not.

like i always thought the thing that made me maybe ace was that i didn't find people hot based on appearnace walking past them. and now that's all i ever kind of feel and i never feel the deeper attraction i would very occassionally feel in the past. so i'm just so confused. and i feel like the amounts of atttraction i do feel would negate my aceness (even though i think i'd go with the label gray ace anyway and that's literally exactly what it's for lmao).

but the thing is like. i feel like i'm having an aspec life experience. like the little attraction i think i do feel doesn't negate the fact that more and more i'm starting to doubt whether i will find someone i am substantially attracted to long term who is also interested in me and so i don't think i will have a typical allo romantic/sexual life. and i don't even know if i would want sexual and/or romantic things if they actually started happening outside of my head.

and i'm wondering if i'm aro spec too. which logically. i know that if i am ace spec i am also aro spec because i don't think the two things are disentangled for me personally. and that scares me a lot and i think i just haven't wanted to admit it to myself. but then i also don't want to be wrong and i don't know what the attraction i do (think i) feel means. and i know almost every aspec person feels like this at least at first and i have to let go of it but i can't.

anyway i just think like. if i've been feeling this same way for over two years and i haven't been "proven wrong" yet. then like why am i still waiting to be "proven wrong." non aspec people usually know they are not aspec, don't they. they usually don't doubt it because the feelings are so obvious. and if i'm sitting here, two years later, still going "well i don't know maybe that WAS attraction." then like. i need to accept it.

but i don't know. i feel like if i am aspec, i'm a really weird aspec person lmao. like i feel way too obsessed with the idea of sex and romance to be aspec. even though logically i know that's very common and it's about real world attraction. and i think that's also why i'm so hesitant. because i don't want it to be true because i want to want all that so badly.

sorry for this being LONG. thank you for reading this, i actually don't know who to talk to about this. it feels so personal and hard to explain.

Yes, generally speaking experiencing attraction the way you do is different than how allo people usually experience it. Allo people generally experience attraction in a sustained way and the feelings are usually quite strong and noticeable even if they're not looking for them.

Aces on the other hand do sometimes experience attraction, but in a way that's fleeting, doesn't last long or feels weak. And you have outlined in this ask a lot of common reasons why people identify as ace and how it's experience based and often it can be based a lot in experiencing things differently than allo people do or are expected to.

I would definitely encourage you at this stage to at least explore asexuality and see if that would be a useful label for you. (Gray-asexuality is good too, but there isn't really a distinct line between the two, you can also use both labels at the same time if you want.)

For a lot of people romantic and sexual feelings/attraction are wrapped up with each other. But if you're not feeling ready to explore aromanticism yet, that's OK. And a lot of people who are both on the ace and aro spectrums will often figure one out then the other. Though of course you can look into both if you want to.

I disagree that these conflicting feelings you're having are something you just have to get over. Instead I'd say it's something that's better to work through. A lot of people have to work to accept being aro, it just takes time, but spending time in aro spaces, looking up aro media, and following aro blogs can all help.

Honestly nothing here is screaming 'not aspec' to me, even obsessing over romance and sex. Some aspec people think about both a lot and do like both in certain ways (but usually have some reason for identifying as ace or aro).

My advice at this stage anon would be just to explore. Follow ace and aro blogs, read up on ace and aro experiences. Check out media with ace and aro characters (there's especially a lot of book lists and podcasts out there with ace and aro characters, and easy to find rec lists, though I can share some too if you're having trouble.)

Places you may find interesting to check out:

Carnival of Aces and Carnival of Aros: These are both monthly blogging events according to a theme, and you can dig through their archives.

Arocalypse: An aro themed forum, they also have a really good faq.

A couple a-spec microlabels you may find interesting or want to look into (it's your choice if you feel like these may fit you or if you want to use them or not):

Caligosexual/caligoromantic: Sexual/romantic attraction that is very weak, vague, or almost nonexistent, like a vapor, fog, or mist.

Aegosexual/aegoromantic: someone who has things they find sexual/romantic, but doesn't want to be a participant themselves. Someone who feels a disconnect between themselves and the subjection of their arousal/romantic feelings.

And don't be afraid to take your time. This is all a lot. If you have more questions or want anything clarified, don't be afraid to send in more asks either.

All the best, Anon! Good luck!

[homeiswherethewitchcraftis]

I clicked ur blog initially b/c I saw you rebloging some aesthetic pictures and that ur blog was witchy. Read some of ur post and I see ur a tradwife. most of you guys I’ve seen online have been pretty hateful, (extremists, far-right, and usually a terf) so I normally just ignore the stuff I see but I was curious if you could explain to me how you view this stuff since you don’t seem to be the things I’ve listed above for the most part. /gen

(Not trying to be rude just curious)

Well thank you for asking instead of just sending hate/ threats like most people who come to my blog thinking it's just trees and witchcraft and are "disappointed " to realize I hold opinions the disagree with lol.

I am not a tradwife, I am tradfem I no longer consider myself a traditional wife because I unfortunately have gotten a divorce in the last year. I still discuss tradwives, traditional gender roles and the lifestyle because it is important to me.

While there may be hateful people in trad circles they (like in most groups) are the minority. Most people who consider themselves trad just want to live as traditionally as possible they believe in traditional gender roles and often simple living. Many traditional people want to return to more sustainable lifestyles things like homesteading or just growing a "victory garden " etc. Many trad women feel we face to much pressure to leave our children and work outside the home even when not needed and that this pressure is detrimental to women, children and communities.

As for myself I believe traditional gender roles are based on natural roles. I have been pressured and bullied for this and for wanting to stay home with my kids. I'm not going to speak for everyone who uses these labels just myself and what I've seen from these communities both on and offline.

Most Trad people are right leaning politically unfortunately in today's political climate being moderately right leaning is considered "extremists " so forgive me if I do not take that claim very seriously.

Additionally there is an array of different political opinions and beliefs that are considered right leaning. Not all Trad people would consider themselves conservative some like my self are libertarian for example.

As for the claim that Trad women are terfs that makes no sense. Terf stands for trans exclusionary Radical feminist, most Trad women aren't feminists especially not Radical feminists. Again this is not a claim I take seriously simply because it is used to describe any criticism of a trans individual or of trans activism.

Personally I have no issues with trans individuals who are decent people I may disagree with them but I don't hate them and at the end of the day grown adults can do what they want with their bodies.

I have plenty of issues with trans activism and the response to it I our society .

The idea that small children can decide to be the opposite gender is insane to me considering kids at those ages still pretend to be dogs and dragons. This has also led to parents losing custody and false claims of abuse against parents who do not affirm these kids feelings which is a major issue. Schools going against parents and even pushing children and teens towards lgbt labels especially trans labels is an issue.

There is no safe way to stop puberty the harm caused by puberty blockers is long lasting and not openly discussed due to the nature of trans activism. Also it's not discrimination to not sleep with or want to sleep with a trans person. Women don't need to feel safe have males in their female only spaces. And most importantly Valid criticisms and genuine concerns are not hate.

I hope I've addressed your questions and I hope you feel free to ask more message me for clarification or to discuss further I am happy to do so However I may not get to your messages or asks quickly as I am working and dealing with the after math of hurricane Ian. ected please help out your neighbors.

[wanderingsoul]

one more writing prompt

convinced myself that the reel that i saw last night talking about the importance of writing down what you're looking for in a partner would actually be the one that would attract the love of my life. only to open my notebook to find an incredibly similar prompt i had written a response to less than 2 months ago. defeating.

i have historically always been the single friend in my friend groups. throughout high school, college, my career etc. and this has honestly never bothered me, i'd have flings or shorter term boyfriends i could talk about so that it didn't seem like i couldn't date somebody, just that i didn't want to. whenever people would ask if i was dating anyone i'd say something along the lines of "i like being single and don't want to date anyone" or "too many boyfriends to count!"

until recently i was the only single person when i went bowling with 4 other couples. and hey, i wanted to die. the embarrassment of not having a person to make little inside jokes with, or personally compete against, or hug when you did well.... sickening. and i think it was amplified by the fact that i was grouped with two newer couples, so they were especially gross and obsessed with each other.

i am getting to a stage of my life, at the ancient age of 25 where i truly just want to fall in love. i want to be in love, i want to feel loved, i want the whole thing. but i am having a really hard time accepting that desire because i have no control over that. i can't seem to hack the idea that i want something that i have no control over. everything else that i want is achievable to me in some way. i make goals that are realistic in my life and i'm not typically a dreamer. and falling in love feels much more like a dream than a goal.

i understand on some level that i do have some control, obviously i get to choose who i date or pursue, but i can't make people fall in love with me, no matter how hard i want them to. having situationships and flings and always feeling like if they truly got to know me i could make them fall in love. maybe if i changed parts of myself or only showed them certain sides they would fall in love. if i abandon all my needs and bend to their every desire, maybe then they'll love me.

but they won't. no matter what i do, that love would never feel right or be sustained in any meaningful way. if i do not show up authentically i will never find genuine love. that has been part of the difficulty of accepting that i have a desire i myself cannot fill, it feels inauthentic to my nature-being hyper-independent and having no needs. accepting the desire for love means that i am lacking something, which feels like weakness.

feeling a lot of loneliness and weakness lately, struggling between accepting the bread crumbs of attention and desire i feel from my situationships starting over completely with someone new. im having a particularly hard time letting go of my current situation, even though i am not feeling fulfilled, appreciated or respected. just feels like i've gone backwards and im 21 again just desperately wanting someone to like me. really just embarrassing stuff. feeling powerless. his baggage outweighs mine and i get sucked into the back and forth of being with someone who has been hurt and hurts others. its toxic and i can't seem to end it. every time i try, he doesn't let me. says we have a genuine connection that's worth exploring but also "isn't looking for a relationship". but it strokes my ego and we fight and i come back. recently been trying this thing where i don't fight back and it feels like i am abandoning any and every single standard i have for what a partner does for me or how they make me feel. so that doesn't feel great, jury is still out on whether that feels worse than fighting about every little thing.

[faithfromanewperspective]

feel like there's a lot of controversy people are too polite to talk about with my work in sustainability in a private corporation, not least of all the battle within or whatever. that i've had people ask about, dear mutuals, and i hate to leave a mutual hanging but i've had genuinely no idea how to answer. and if i'm honest, there's a lot i don't like about my job. there's a lot that drains me and there's a lot of people who disagree with me because they're sheltered and privileged that i have to be careful how i sugarcoat what i say to win over, but i can tell you that when i do, I get praise saying that yes, they agree with me. they might take things in a weird way. in ways that i wouldn't. some of them have the wackiest takes. some of them look at me funny when i say i catch trains instead of flying. but enough of them are like 'holy shit, talent and passion' for me to keep going.

keep going because i've seen enough good intentions behind their often careless and self-important actions for the good, hardworking, creative ones who might have learned business before they learned human rights but they can apply that same dedication to it. they are not yet jaded and so they have this energy and passion, both the human capital and the influence to sway people who wouldn't listen to me and you, who have a bunch of power to turn this around quickly, in a way that doesn't kill more people before it gets better. and the cognitive dissonance is real. filtering what i say to deliver news in a tactful way that takes them with me is real. trying to keep my buzzwords politically neutral just like in the sustainable development goals. trying to not follow politics, but lay the groundwork with the science i'm steeped in and the empathy i pick up like a sponge, for politics to then follow my ideas. our ideas. because we're working together now. i work with them, i work with you guys in my time off, or i'd like to. i do my #silver bridges thing because i've trained myself to be open minded and learn from a thousand different perspectives and critically see where each of their blind spots are.

because in the end, whatever we do, we have to take all people with us. yes, some will lose power that they love but more importantly as many people as possible get to have their needs met and use their talents and they simply can't if we're going to villainise them or discount the potential for creating change that can come from those who are participating in capitalism. i'm not talking about oil firms etc unless they have fully turned around and are turning out solar energy like they did fossil fuels, replanting forests, have 'repented' in a way. i'm talking there's this thing called B corporations. i work for one, it's not perfect, but there are people trying to be them. it's a good initiative. we measure our progress against the indicators of the sustainable development goals. it's like putting a bunch of wall street (and insert international examples) businessguys (gn) in a punkifying machine. it's gonna go slow if there's a lot of work to do but they're rich in their own ways of giving, their waves of influence, the way they know how to work faster than council can. and we can't afford to do this work, this transition without them imo.

it's communication. it's sticking to your guns and having boundaries but accepting people how they are. believing them when they say they want to do the work. showing the next step in a realistic fashion for whoever is doing it, celebrating progress that is progress no matter how slow but also calling out the things that are unacceptable as the first things that need to change. the non negotiables. we can't be scared of people if we want to create a better world with them. and in fact, the best way to fight the fossil fuel giants is to actually have teamed up with people who, even if they don't share their greed, share their language. and it's a real fucking job to keep these wildly different perspectives in this movement together. but i'm also good at it. so this is where i'm coming from i guess

[setsumushou]

I was all depressed a couple of weeks ago, like ohhhhh nooooooo, I'm dead because 80% of the Roosmav fandom won't acknowledge that I exist. ;______;

BUT...I am genuinely way too insane to have the sense to go away? And I still do have much insanity to impart. The fact that no one has written Gooster? No one has written Rooster-wishes-Maverick-was-Goose kink? No one has written Rooster DP'd by Maverick and his own dad? No one has written Roosmav mermaid tribbing? No one has written Roosmav double-headed dildo? No one has written little dick fuck-or-die in enemy territory? (I hope Fuddle does not happen upon this post because she will write all of this within a week's time. xD)

Not to mention that NO ONE HAS DRAWN ROOSTER PUSSY.

I would like to try to do it all. I still have much to impart, and some of it will be terrible. But despite what I have written on here, most of my ideas are still pretty normal and nice (Roosmav accidental Vegas marriage! Roosmav fucking in a pool!). I literally have two google docs of scenarios I want to fulfill for myself.

Not to mention my AU ideas, which I hope to also draw for because I like drawing pretty things, and flight suits are boring. I WANT TO CREATE A ROOSMAV VISUAL NOVEL, on top of all of this.

A friend once told me that I have enough personality to sustain an entire fandom, and, like...it may be kind of true. Jfc, I had zero personality while I was on the Roosmav server. I think I had just been following Fopps around and hoping she would update Cascading Ruins (I would still love an update, lol). But ever since I gave up on that, it's been like - oh well, get fucked, then, Rooster.

I mean, I've had a Cascading Ruins SPIN-OFF IDEA for the longest time (it was bottom!Bradley, lol...I've actually had it since last year because bottom!Bradley was always a concept of deep fascination to me, but I literally just did not think I could ever try writing after 30 years of never writing...I truly have one of the worst internet fandom stories of all time). Honestly, I had just hoped she would finish that story so I could write my bottom!Bradley spin-off take on it. I may pass my idea off to someone who can actually write, though, lol. CR is still very sacred to me, and even with how utterly unhinged I am, I would never want to mess with it.

[allfattenedup]

I've been in problem-solving mode the last few weeks, trying to figure out what to do for my content going forward. If you're a follower or supporter of any kind, I'd really like you to read this, and I've put some gifs throughout as little rewards for your attention. 😄 Like this one:

Ugh look at that wobbly hang. 😫😫😫

So here's the thing. Unfortunately many people who sign up to my Patreon have been stealing their memberships. That is, signing up, receiving the month's worth of premium content, then cancelling their membership the day before billing and resubscribing the day after. A few people do this again and again, month after month. I'm actually in shock that Patreon facilitates this, they've been around long enough to close this massive loophole. From what I've read it's a big problem for other creators as well.

By the way, I also have a lot of absolutely wonderful, loyal patrons, and if you've never done this then the above is in no way directed at you. Thank you so much for your genuine support.

But with others, it’s become a problem. It's actually really heartwrenching, especially with the level of production that goes into some of my videos, to pour in hours of planning, shooting, editing, spending my own money to buy supplies, watching my patron numbers climb throughout the month and feeling proud that my work is paying off, only to see an enormous drop right before billing, of sometimes up to half. My subscription is so inexpensive as it is, but with some subscribers finding it acceptable to yank their pledge back at the last moment after I've delivered on my end, to save themselves eight bucks, I end up with a measly sum for the enormous amount of time and effort I put in, and it's not sustainable.

For a while I thought I might just leave. It wasn't just about the money, it was about being cheated by people who pretended to be supporters. It made me feel like I just didn't want to engage at all anymore, and that wasn't fair on all the wonderful patrons who are genuine. But to be honest, I don't think I can leave. I love this community so much, putting on weight makes me feel so alive and excited and sexy, and showing it off to you makes it ten times better. Gosh I'm sorry this is getting so long, I'll try to wrap it up quickly. Here's another gif:

So at first it looked like I had two options, and I didn't like either of them - significantly raise my subscription price, or turn on upfront billing. But those would be last resorts, if that, because I really don't want to do either of those. So as I was already developing a new content plan, I started to build in ideas for the ways that maybe the type of content I make could help solve this problem. So here's what I'm thinking:

• Fewer highly-produced videos (not never, I still have tons of ideas I want to film, but maybe not every single month) • More real-time 'insta stories' type content

People have been requesting more raw, unpolished content for a while now, and if I can for example pull out my phone and post a few stories when I've just finished gorging myself and am stuffed to the brim, or moments of me getting dressed into tight clothes, how I'm looking as I go about my day and so on, that may fill that demand and also solve this problem of the people who take my content and run.

The more I've thought about this idea, the more excited I am about it. There are so many possibilities with a more real-time content plan. I could live-post stuffings, show exactly how I'm fattening day to day, maybe even take you out on one of those tight-clothes walks I haven't done in a while. It would be a more intimate, almost feeder-feedee type experience. And ultimately I think the main advantage is that it'll let us engage more. I'm a few shy of 9,000 followers here on tumblr, and the best part about reaching that number is the community that's been created. I love it, it's definitely made me fatter, the encouragement is out of this world, and that's what I want to build on going forward.

In line with that I’ve also made a ko-fi, because I’ve had a lot of people get in touch wanting to sponsor a stuffing or something similar, and we don’t have venmo or cashapp in Australia so I never knew how to accommodate that, so I think that might work. The page is up and I’ll figure out how to start offering that in the next few days. You can DM me in the meantime if you’re interested.

If you've read this far, thank you so much. I'm sorry it was so long but I wanted to give proper background and I also probably needed to vent a little bit. I want to say I'm also open to suggestions and ideas, even other platforms I could try out. Advice from other content creators who've dealt with this problem would be especially helpful, but for now I think this plan is a really exciting way to move forward. I hope you do too!

[my-mt-heart]

"Can you please thank secret friend for being such a great source of comfort and knowledge 🥰 makes me feel so much better knowing that someone in the industry is looking out for us and loves caryl as much as we do. Gives me hope that maybe the caryl spinoff is still in discussion! Caryl on!"

TY <3 I'm happy if I've been helpful to anyone's critical thinking process. I feel like I always show up because MT goes, "...could you...?" and then I end up saying something depressing. I never get to talk about the fun stuff, i.e. the characters or the story—not that the season's been very fun so far, but I love both Carol and Daryl, and their world. (Gimple's 'universe,' not so much.)

Another reason why the Caryl spinoff should still be in play:

McReedus is a brand in itself. Their friendship is part of what makes Caryl resonate with viewers and if you can build a long-term, loyal fanbase around how close individual cast members are, that's extremely valuable to a production. It'll sustain the show when it's beginning to age and viewers find new things to watch. I've said it before, but chemistry like what Melissa and Norman have doesn't come in a can. If you've struck gold, the showrunner should lean in unashamedly because that chemistry will be the spine of the show.

For a story where the characters are supposed to have a close, decade long bond, chemistry goes a long way but nothing beats a genuine friendship between the actors that spans over a decade. There's already the built-in trust that's important to actors when they have to be emotionally vulnerable in a scene, the sense that your scene partner/coworker will have your back. On a new show, it takes time to cultivate and you don't know how well cast members will hit it off, or how that'll translate on screen.

"She gives me a lot to think about too, since I’m still pretty sheltered from the business side of things."

Knowing the business side comes in handy, even before you're a showrunner because you become mindful of such dreary things as the budget when you pitch ideas for the season. (Your boss will love you forever if your ideas—brilliant and creative as they are!—fit the size of the wallet. :P) It also makes it easier to get promoted to the enviable stage where people on the internet start saying things like, "your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries," despite not knowing the first thing about you or what your job entails. Showbiz is glamorous lol

[SF]

(PS. Why do my asks always end up so long when I'm not even talking about creative stuff?)

I don't think you'd be nearly as "depressing" if the business wasn't so depressing right now :/ I also find myself wishing I could talk more about the characters and story like I used to.

I remember Michael Cudlitz saying Norman and Melissa sometimes have too much chemistry and I find myself scratching my head at that regularly. What is too much chemistry? :P

I at least have the basics down like don't pitch for the characters to go to space. And somehow have also received at least a handful of insulting, but oddly entertaining DM's from fans.