#i am a fucking adult & if i have work i will handle that shot myself

[no27-autonation-honda]

not to be a colossal fucking cowabummer about everything but it really does suck that like. my really chill and like. supposedly more realistic type of career goal feels about as unattainable as like a kid saying he wants to be a singer or something

[emdotcom]

I tried my whole life to fix my emtirely fucked sleep schedule & couldn't do it, so i said "fuck it" & picked up a job w/ night & overnight shifts. Going all well & good, except for the fact that, for some fucking reason, none of my family can grasp the concept that I NEED TO SLEEP, I NEED TO SLEEP, I NEED TO SLEEP, I NEED TO SLEEP

[anbaas-18plus-blog]

Gone Again

Part One here

MDNI AGELESS AND BLANK BLOGS WILL BE BLOCKED. THIS SERIES WILL BE GETTING MORE 18+ WITHIN THE NEXT PART OR TWO.

PT 2 Dabi x Childhood friend reader.

Word count: around 1.5k

CW: A little choking in the beginning. Use of the nickname Princess.

No specific gender mentioned(unless I slipped up somewhere and missed it). No smut in this one. Might happen in the next part, though.

"Toya..."

The man's grip on your throat tightened and he furrowed his brows.

"Toya, eh? I haven't heard that name in ages," he says as he leans is face mere inches from yours.

"So just who the hell do you think you are, hmm? How do you even know my name," he questioned, raising one of his eyebrows.

Your hands reaching for the hand he had around your throat, trying to loosen his grip.

You uttered your name as best you could with the amount of pressure that was being applied to your windpipe.

For a split second you could have sworn you saw his facial expression change.

"Y/N," he barely whispered as he slowly loosened his grip and let his arm fall to his side. "How did you find me,"he questioned as he averted his gaze from yours.

You spoke his birth name again and reached out your hand to touch his arm. In return, he took a few steps back.

"Answer my question, damn it," he demanded, as he shot you a glare.

"My quirk," you stated. "Why does it matter how?"

His eyes widened, first from shock, then from fear. Not fearful of you, but because he didn't know the reasoning. Were you working for someone? He couldn't afford to be caught now. He still had things he had to accomplish.

"Who sent you," he asked as he made eye contact with you.

You gave him a confused look.

"What do you mean? No one sent me to find you," you responded.

"Then why? Why would you even bother looking for me," he inquired.

You gave a smile and said, "I missed you. You don't know how happy it makes me to see you alive."

He scoffed. Someone missing him? Someone happy that he's alive? Those things were unfathomable to him. Before he could say anything in response, his phone chimed.

Not even bothering to take his phone out, he turned and began to walk away. As he did so, he said, " If I were you, I would forget about ever seeing me. For both of our sakes."

"No," you stated matter-of-factly,"I can't do that, Toya."

He stopped in his tracks, turned to the side and glared at you. If looks could kill, you would have been dead.

"For fuck's sake, stop saying that damn name already. 'Toya' is gone. I go by Dabi these days," he spat and resumed walking away.

"To- I mean, Dabi, where are you going," you inquired.

"Nowhere you need to know about," he said without even slowing his pace.

You weren't one to give up easily, so you ran toward him and embraced him from behind.

"Please, please don't disappear on me again. I need you," you nearly begged.

You had him frozen in place. As much as he would have loved to have turned around and expressed his true feelings for this reunion, he couldn't. He was a wanted criminal, and didn't need you, someone with whom he had cared for dearly in his past, to get caught up in this.

His head lowered, "Let go," he said dryly.

Your grip only tightened around his waist.

"Y/N," his voice was strained as he spoke," if you don't let go, I'm going to have to make you."

Your head rested on his back.

"The only way I'm letting go, is if you let me come with you," you stated.

"No," Dabi responded.

"Why not," you pouted.

"Don't you know who I am now? I'm a villain, a bad guy," he told you.

"I don't care, I want to be with you, I'm an adult and I can handle myself. Don't treat me like a child. I'm only letting go if you let me come with you," you declared.

It was then that Dabi's phone went off even more. He let out an exasperated sigh.

"Whatever, it's not like you ever listened to me when we were kids either," he complained.

With that, you let go of him and started walking beside him.

"So where are we going," you asked as you glanced over at him.

"To the L.O.V. hideout. Just let me do the talking, you got it, Dabi chided,"Last thing we need is you getting on boss man's bad side."

"The L.O.V.," you trailed off momentarily before speaking again. "So you're part of the most powerful group of villains around, right?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that. Bet you're wondering the how's and why's I joined," he spoke.

"No, I mean, yeah, but this is you we're talking about, and I'm sure you have your reasons. I'm not gonna pry. You can tell me when you're ready," you told him.

"Still trust in me even after this long, huh? You must have a couple of screws loose in that noggin of yours," he joked.

You crossed your arms over your chest and pouted at his comment,"That's not nice, you know."

Dabi pulls his phone phone his pocket and checks his messages. They were, of course, all from Shigaraki. It was nearly time for one of his plans to be put into action.

He typed away at the keys, letting his boss know he was ready, and for Kurogiri to warp him away.

As happy as he was internally to see you, he couldn't have you just waltz into his life and screw everything up. All his planning, all of his hard work to get to where he was, it wasn't worth it to have everything go down the drain now.

You didn't realize Dabi was no longer at your side. At least not until he called out a goodbye. As soon as you had turned around to the sound of his voice, he had vanished through a portal of some kind.

You stood there blinking for a few moments before you reacted.

"Ugh, you're so insufferable," you shouted to the now empty space.

All of your time spent finding him, and he goes and does this? To say you were angry was an understatement. You were infuriated. An exasperated sigh left you lips as you turned to go back the way you came.

As much as you wanted to track him down again with your quirk, you couldn't. Just trying to do so gave you an intense headache.

You made your way home, feeling tired, defeated, and just downright pissed off. You still couldn't believe he just did that. What was that thing, anyway?

Once inside your apartment, you removed your shoes, grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen. Your head, by this point, felt like it was going to split open. You walked into the bathroom and took soke mesicine from the medicine cabinet and took it. Hoping to relieve the hammering of your head.

Looking at the time, itbwas nearing seven pm. Normally, you wouldn't go to bed this early, but with the way you felt, sleep was probably the only thing that could possibly ease your head. You walked into your bedroom, and, without even botherimg to change your clothes, you plopped down on your bed and got underneath the blankets. It wasn't long that you drifted off to sleep.

You found yourself in a strange place. This certainly wasn't your apartment. How in the world did you even end up here? None of those questions you had the answer to, at least not until you heard a voice on the other side of room speak.

"It's about time you woke up, Princess," he spoke as he slowly emerged from the shadows that engulfed that side of the room.

You tried to move, but couldn't. You found yourself bound to a chair. You felt shock and fear wash over you. Eyes widening as the man got closer to you. You could see him, his turquoise eyes shining in what little moonlight was illuminating the darkened room.

"Toya..," his name fell from you mouth as more of a question than anything else.

He sauntered over to where you were restrained. He cupped your cheek with his right hand and caressed the soft skin of your face. His eyes took you in. Looking so vulnerable, so frightened, so.. so absolutely delectable. His fingers traced your jawline, then he grabbed your chin, leaning in so that his face is mere inches from yours. "I told you before, it's Dabi, now. Don't use my dead name," he spoke, his voice slightly annoyed.

"T-.. Dabi.. Where are we?! And why am I bound to this chair," you questioned as you tried to break free again.

"Don't worry your pretty little head about any of that. Just know I'll take good care of you, Princess," he said to you as he let out a chuckle.

He leaned in closer, his lips barely grazing yours as a smirk forms on his face.

You could feel the heat radiate from him as he kissed you.

Suddenly there is this blaring tone going off. It sounded as though it was a mix between an alarm and a ringtone. Before you could fathom what was happening, everything fades to black.

[toki-is-the-king]

Skwistok short story:

Summary: kinda fucked up one shot about Toki beating up Skwisgaar after an argument but Skwisgaar likes it.

Rating: Mature

TW: violence, sexual mentions, PTSD, blood, age regression and past trauma/abuse

(Also I do not sexualize age regression and I myself have it as a coping mechanism. The mentions in this story are brief, but implied that Toki is age regressing on and off due to flashbacks and isn’t sure how to handle his adult feelings as they come and go and overall he just wants comfort).

“Skwisgaar?”

There was a knock at his closed bedroom door and then it was pushed open before Skwisgaar could even answer. Skwisgaar sighed at hearing Toki’s voice. Toki was always barging into his room unwelcome, and it was one of Skwisgaar’s biggest pet peeves. All of the guys did it, but Toki was the most frequent. He valued his space and solitude that Toki was always infringing on.

Toki stood in the doorway, hugging his deddybear in one arm, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He headed towards the bed, where Skwisgaar was sitting hunched over, fiddling with his guitar, because what else is there to do at midnight? Sleep? Fuck that.

“Cans I comes into yous room?” Toki asked, sitting on the foot of the bed.

Skwisgaar wasn’t even phased by this anymore because Toki never waited for the okay to come in.

“Oh ja, makes yous’selfs at homes I guess, whys not just moves in at this point, ehh? Since yous ams alreadys t’inks this ams you’s room too.” Skwisgaar huffed, sarcastically, squinting his eyes at Toki as in irritation.

Toki lacked the ability to understand sarcasm most times and his eyes widened in surprise, “oh, wowee, so I’s can sleeps in here now?”

Skwisgaar flicked an eyebrow up, crossing his arms, “no, Tokis! You’s ams snores too loud and punches me in yous sleep! And dats ams…kind of gay for you’s to sleeps with me.”

Toki frowned, hugging his deddybear tighter to his chest, watching intently as Skwisgaar strummed his guitar. “But you’s said I moves in!”

“I ams being sar-caskics, Toki! You’s ams such an idiots! You nevers understands de perfactly clear anglish I says to you.”

Toki looked like he might sock Skwisgaar in the mouth or start crying but Skwisgaar just stared at him, pausing his guitar session for a split second before turning his attention back to plucking the strings.

“But I has a nightmares!”

“Bigs deals! You ams making mes lives nightmares right now and I’s not even asleep!!”

“Please, Skwisgaar! I nots asks you for anything else ever again, please!”

Toki’s tendency to raise his voice and whine the more distressed he became was also another one of Skwisgaar’s pet peeves, he needed to make a list of them. They were both such polar opposites when it came down to it and it was to some a mystery how they were such close friends.

“Eugh! Fines! Just shuts you’s mouths already!

Toki instantly stopped screaming and went back to watching Skwisgaar play the guitar. He was always pleased with himself when his tantrums got him what he wanted. They didn’t always work on Skwisgaar but when they did, he felt a sense of power. Toki waited a few minutes before jumping up from the bed, ignoring the irritated glare from the older man.

“I be’s right back, don’t’s goes to sleep!” Toki pleaded, and the blond just rolled his eyes.

“Ugh, nots likes I cans now, you ams gives me what’s am called a migraine.”

Toki smiled and left the room. Skwisgaar prayed to the gods that Toki would get distracted and not return so he could keep practicing guitar, but within seconds he was back again, with an armful of stuffed animals and the blue comforter from his bed.

“What ams all this shit you brings into mines room, Toki?”

“I cants leaves dem in mines room they ams scared!”

“They ams not evens real…”

Toki scowled and dumped the pile of stuffed animals onto Skwisgaar’s bed, then climbed in beside them.

“Yes they is real and theys gonna sleeps with us.”

Skwisgaar frowned. “Dat ams so gay.”

“No it’s not! This ams metal!”

Skwisgaar couldn’t hold in his laughter, and it only seemed to make Toki angrier. Before he knew it, Skwisgaar was on the floor and in a daze as Toki glared down at him, deddy bear in hand.

“Toki dids you reallys just hits me with that stupid toys for babies?”

“Stops makings fun of me I hates when you does this!”

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes again, “I stops makings fun of you when yous stops beings a baby.”

Again Skwisgaar found himself being whacked in the face, fucking backhanded by the younger man, and it knocked him back down, flat on his back like a little bitch. It was alarming how quickly Toki could go from sweet and calm to a raging beast. Skwisgaar was usually never too phased by this either, he could handle himself and usually had the upper hand, being taller and older, the one in control; taunting Toki and making him angrier, reveling in the power he felt whenever he could get on Toki’s nerves. Toki was so easy going that sometimes Skwisgaar enjoyed seeing the younger man explode in anger or frustration while at the mercy of his hands. But this time was different and though Toki’s face was hot and red and he was breathing hard and heavy through gritted teeth, something in his eyes didn’t match his actions. It made Skwisgaar feel…bad. Fuck. He never felt guilty for being a dick before.

“Tokis…” Skwisgaar began, but Toki just shoved him when the blond tried to regain a sitting position.

“No! Fucks you! You always makes fun of me and calls me names and I’s sick of it! I thoughts we’s friends what’s cares about each other!”

Usually Skwisgaar would smirk or say ‘so what’s?’ but underneath the surface of anger, there was hurt and Toki almost looked close to tears the way he was contorting his face and clenching his jaw. Before either of them knew it, Toki was on top of the older man, hands around his throat like he wanted to squeeze the life out of him. He could if he wanted to. Killing Skwisgaar would be like snapping a twig. Toki kept his hands clasped firmly, hearing the other struggle to breathe as the air was choked out of him, and it made Toki want to keep squeezing Skwisgaar’s wind pipe until the man was almost dead. There was something so satisfying to Toki about seeing the famous lead guitarist try to fight and claw his way out of his grip, being in complete control for once. Having this much power where he was usually so powerless. The strained whimpering noises coming from the blond only made Toki want to slam Skwisgaar’s head against the floor to show him who’s boss, and maybe he wanted to make Skwisgaar cry, because everyone always made Toki cry and he was so fed up with being treated like dumb kid, but honestly he still felt like one: a clueless useless kid no one loved. Toki wanted to hurt the other man for making him feel this way. Break his bones and make him feel ashamed. Make him feel less than shit. He wished he hated him so he could destroy him. But Toki couldn’t do it, he wasn’t that evil, just feeling betrayed and belittled, having a flashback, he soon realized, of a time he was tortured by his father. Maybe he didn’t feel this rage towards Skwisgaar, and was just taking it out on him.

When Toki felt Skwisgaar’s body begin to go limp, he released his hands from around his throat and tossed him on his back, but spit in his face for one final act of disrespect.

The two of them laid beside each other, panting and in shock, Skwisgaar more so than Toki; the blond was lucky to be alive and survive with only some bruises and bloody nose. He felt sick from the adrenaline rush, and sexually aroused. He wasn’t one who liked to be dominated, especially by Toki, but he was hard. His boner was only a short lived distraction from the pain he was in after being thrown around. Toki probably wasn’t aware of Skwisgaar’s weird kinks like being choked until passing out, so Skwisgaar just kept quiet for a few more minutes, wiping blood and saliva from his face, lying perfectly still as to not set Toki off again.

Why the fuck did he like that? And why the fuck was he hoping Toki would beat him up again? Skwisgaar wasn’t sure what to think or say but then he noticed Toki sitting up, grabbing for his bear again and clinging to it like a life preserver.

“Ams you crying?” Skwisgaar asked, trying to say this is as delicately as possible and not like a dick, but he’s too blunt for his own good.

“No’s! Ams not crying just sits here…”

“Uh…Ja, Tokis, that ams crying, what’s whens de tears in yours eye.”

“Shuts up!”

Skwisgaar tried to tell Toki to shut up, but gasped instead, his hand flying up to hold his face and rub at the stinging sensation on his cheek. He looked just as surprised and taken aback as Toki did after slapping him. The red mark on Skwisgaar’s cheek looked painful to the touch and Toki couldn’t express any of his frustration or feelings at the moment. He was so angry and so hurt, why did Skwisgaar always say mean things to him? Why was he so cold to him some days and others was so fond of him? Why did he love Skwisgaar despite all of this? It was so fucking gross and too overwhelming and it didn’t make any sense.

Toki set his bear down and yanked Skwisgaar into a rough and messy kiss, their spit and Skwisgaar’s blood making for a sloppy and painful make out session, Skwisgaar wincing and moaning in discomfort whenever his nose was bumped or his face was touched. It only bled worse the more Toki kissed him, but the blood didn’t bother him and he just wanted Skwisgaar to know he was sorry. Toki hated that he couldn’t control his temper but it was more than just that. He didn’t know how to deal with his childhood. It always followed him wherever he went, hovering like a dark cloud in the background of every situation and conversation he was a part of. No one else really understood it either. Toki did recognize, after he began to recollect his thoughts, that maybe it was triggering to him whenever people, even if they claimed to be joking, made fun of him or mocked him, pushed his buttons purposefully, didn’t respect him. Anytime it happened he was a little kid again being abused and verbally degraded. He lost all control in those moments and now Skwisgaar’s face and neck were bruised and bloodied and Toki frowned in shame. Being the stronger of the two, Toki pulled Skwisgaar closer to him, both now laying on the hard floor of the bedroom, neither saying a word. The brunette mumbled an apology, kissing the back of Skwisgaar’s head and his bruised neck as he held him, his deddybear somehow making its way back into Toki’s arms, wedged in between with Skwisgaar.

“dette er så homofil, Toki…”

“faen deg, Skwisgaar…you’s gay…”

Skwisgaar chuckled quietly, turning onto his side to face Toki, wincing from the beating he’d just received but dismissed it.

“…maybes…but onlys for you.”

Toki cocked his head to the side slightly, searching for any signs Skwisgaar was fucking with him to get revenge for nearly snapping his neck moments earlier, but there was only sincerity in the other man’s eyes, and Toki could feel his own welling up with tears again just from the way Skwisgaar was looking at him. He’d never looked at him like this before. Like he loved him.

“Skwis…ams…”

“Shh. I knows Toki. I knows.”

Skwisgaar wrapped an arm around the younger man, helping him to sit up, leaning him against the bed.

“You knows…if you’s wants to sleeps in here tonight’s…or any other nights…I maybes don’t mind…just keeps the punchings and beatings to a minimums, ja?”

Toki sniffled, nodding, shamefully peering up from where he sat on the floor, curled up in a ball with his deddybear. So helpless and exhausted, feeling lost in his own body and mind. He felt too young to be this fucked up.

“I would likes that…Ja, I promiskes no more beatings you up…”

Skwisgaar helped the younger man into bed, grabbing a tissue for his nose bleed, hoping it wasn’t broken because fuck, he liked his nose, and sat down beside Toki, who was already snuggling into the warmth of the comforter.

“And Tokis…”

“Ja..?”

“I didn’t says you cants chokes me or beats me, just…nots all de time, heuh?”

For once Toki felt he understood what Skwisgaar was hinting at, and it made him feel only slightly less terrible for losing his temper like that. He and Skwisgaar fought all the time, he’d just never beat him up like this before. It felt wrong and what if it made him just like his dad? His dad beat him up all the time. Toki hoped it didn’t mean he was like his dad… He needed to sleep.

“Gets some rest, huh? You needs it for tomorrows when you does you’s crappy guitars playing.”

“Oh fucks you my playing ams good!”

“Ah…we cans debates about dat…laters…”

Skwisgaar was too exhausted to argue and really didn’t think his body could withstand being a punching bag again, even though it did get him horny, but he wasn’t saying that a second time tonight.

Instead of insulting him further, Skwisgaar took it as his chance to regain some dominance and pulled the younger to his chest, letting him rest his head there while he tried to get comfortable. This was too gay for words so Skwisgaar wasn’t going to say anything, and tomorrow they’d probably both pretend this hadn’t happened. Or maybe they wouldn’t. Who knows. But it felt good to be together and the empty lonely feeling that Skwisgaar usually felt at this time of night was gone and he was at peace with himself and with Toki in his arms.

“I hates you Skwisgaar…”

“Ja. I hates you too, Toki.”

[lixxen]

it's understandable of feeling this way when i joined a fandom whose just starting , there were few fics with categories or intresting premise that would draw me in eiher written by beginners or has semi adult works (because cmon lets be real) in the early days of the trolls fandom, it started with some smut or fluff broppy and few one shots, but with World Tour it brought out new ideas and really creative stories with the worldbuilding that was WT. the reason the third movie has gained more traction is; 1)expaneded lore and backstories 2)we dindn't like how the movie handled brozone reconcilation (@deliciousdefendorinternet has various analysis expandanding on that) so the fandom is trying to fill that hole with post fics and aus in which there are various new and old writers getting into the angst train and trand trying out new ideasing out new ideas lately. so i think everyone is picky in what they want to read, including myself so your not alone feeling this way. would you like us to send you some recommendation, to help you find somthing you like? even if its not your taste

Yeah. Fandoms normally have that path, that's literally just how fandoms work when they first start, but Trolls just feels so much worse tbh

This fandom I'd also like to point out is mostly new-wave/post-covid fandom enjoyers. I am a firm believer in the "COVID changed the trajectory of fandom" because we have a TON of kids who have never experienced fandom at its core interacting with media and they're kinda just.... Not making good content/not consuming fan content as it is meant to.I deleted half of this post because it just felt like I was lecturing you on fandom history and how COVID fucked up a whole generation of kids. That's a whole different post and fish to fry.

But yeah. It feels like this fandom is just making content to get popular/attention and not for themselves or to have fun. Which is normal! But it's just SO MUCH WORSE in this fandom. Mix that with 12-15 year olds who are trying to get their footing in writing and you get this

I appreciate your anon btw!! I don't want suggestions tbh for Trolls fics tho. If I want to try and read more, I'll go scrape through specific AO3 tags because like... Ngl even the ones with good premises just have the worst possible formatting or are written in styles that make me want to hit my head against the wall. I can share the fics I genuinely enjoyed and would send to non-trolls enjoyers because they're decent if you'd like!

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #207

Would you ever become a fan of a team you hate to please your spouse? I have absolutely zero interest in sports and also lying about my interests to please my partner.

Can you handle scary movies? Yes, I enjoy horror movies.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? No. People grow and change.

What word describes your last relationship? Prior to the one I'm in now? Hm. It sounds bad, but... delusional. I thought then I was in love with her, I really did, but after truly experiencing that with Girt again, I know I wasn't. The sensations I've had for Jason and Girt were very different from what I felt with Sara. There was a lot of lying to myself about her shitty political beliefs, too.

Do you have a fake I.D.? I never have.

Would you date someone 5 years older than you? Yeah.

Have you ever been to California? Did you like it? No.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? Yes. I absolutely fucking refuse to date anyone who drinks more than rarely, and I would NEVER date an angry drunk. If they knew they got angry drinking, they better never fucking touch it if they want me around.

Do you like deviled eggs? Hell fucking no.

What is your favorite horror movie? The Blair Witch Project.

Has a little kid ever fallen asleep on your lap before? Yes.

What is the last thing you googled? Why anoles here change colors from brown to green. My mom asked me.

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? No. As a child I think I got all the way up once but backed down.

What foods can you absolutely not eat? Beans are one of many, many options.

Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? Between lukewarm and hot. Probably more towards hot.

Have you ever taken part in a threesome? No, not into the idea for me.

Where did your mother and father meet for the first time? Work.

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? Kathryn.

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? Disney World, as a child. I'd love to revisit as an adult.

Do you feel bored with your life? My biggest depression symptom is anhedonia, severe anhedonia, take a guess.

Who's someone you miss that you haven't talked to in years? Alex.

What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? Having an infected pilonidal cyst drained. I was given morphine and numbing shots and yet I was still in so much pain that I was screaming and cursing on the top of my lungs. I don't know how scientific this is, but I theorized that they gave me an inadequate dose of the numbing agent, I'm guessing because I'm obese. I wonder if my size just outweighed the effects of the shots. To this day I don't know how I didn't faint, the pain was unfuckingdescribable. It was a bad infection; I delayed going to the ER because initially I didn't even understand what I had going on.

What's the worst level of emotional pain you've ever experienced? A traumatic breakup and its year+-long severe effects.

What was the last thing that made you angry? News about my sister's shitty MIL being a disrespectful and irresponsible twat.

Have you ever been the victim of a crime? Yeah technically, we had a basketball hoop stolen off our property once, when I was a kid. We also had an attempted break-in while my sister was home with only her friend, but I thank whatever powers they may be that their attempt failed. All we know is it the was Bloods gang because they left a flag outside our door.

What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? The mountains driving from NC to Tennessee.

What colour are your brother’s eyes? Blue.

Have you ever played a drinking game? Which ones? No.

How many friends do you have on Facebook? 113. I'm picky with who I add.

Do you regularly check anyone’s profile online? Nope.

Are you any good at drawing? I mean, there are people worse than me. But there are also people leeeaaagues better than I am.

Is there anything unusual about your house? Um, I don't think so. Nothing truly "unusual."

Have you ever met anyone with Multiple Personality Disorder? No, not to my recollection.

What is your favourite type of cookie? Just a nice gooey chocolate chip one is grand.

Have you ever taken care of a newborn baby? No, I do NOT have the confidence for that.

How old were you when you got your ears pierced? I really don't remember.

Do you snore when you sleep? Apparently I do, and I'm very self-conscious of it.

What is your favorite breakfast food? Waffles, probably. With butter and not very crispy. Lots of syrup. Or just nice buttery biscuits that are nice and pillowy.

Who do you (romantically) love? Girt.

Where was the last place you kissed someone? My bed.

Do you work any holidays? I don't work.

What would you say if your parents said you were moving away? I literally cannot envision this with my mother, she would never, in a million years, move away from my sisters and I and Ashley's kids. She's bored it into our heads to never leave each other, so SHE never would. If my dad moved away, I mean honestly it wouldn't affect me much, I barely see him. I'd still be sad though, of course.

Do you wish you could go back and change anything about your childhood? I wish my dad was a better dad. I wish I lived in a safer neighborhood.

Have you ever been overseas? I have not, tragically. I praaaay that changes one day, I want to experience more of the world. I know so little of it.

What would your mom do if you told her you were pregnant? Probably fuckin faint.

Do you think you have nice feet? No; first things first I hate feet, but my feet are also obscenely calloused from when I used to walk all the time, and I've never managed to keep the callouses from growing back, even when I loss fucking muscle mass from NOT moving. My big toe on each foot is the absolute worst.

Where did you get your name? My mom just liked Brittany. "Marie" as a middle name runs in my maternal family.

What are you currently worried about? My colonoscopy prep day. I'm not concerned about the procedure, it's just the damn prep.

What was the last new and exciting experience you’ve had? Uhhhh let's see. New AND exciting? That disqualifies an ambulance ride, I was certainly not excited haha. I suppose my last visit to Girt's could count; he hasn't like me in his room only because he's self-conscious of "the mess" (that he's cleaned up a lot), but this time we chilled in his bed and played a game on his big TV. I got so into it that I didn't realize it was like 9 PM 'til I looked out the window and it's pitch black lmao. Point is, I was happier he seemed more at peace, me being in there and just hangin' out.

What's the most unique or exotic food you've tried? Uh, I suppose some genuine Chinese or Japanese cuisine my entire class tried in the 4th grade. I liked literally nothing but the rice haha, very on brand for picky me.

What change or new experience would you like to have in your life in the next year? A stable job.

When was the last time you were part of a large gathering? Easter. My mom and I joined Girt's family for dinner; Girt made steaks and I'm so proud of him, he wants to learn how to make them like his dad did and he did amazing for a second try. They were too salty, that was everyone's opinion, but they were perfectly edible and to me pretty good, and I'm very picky with steak.

What makes social gathering enjoyable for you? Everyone being welcoming, conversations being friendly and interesting, people including each other, sharing humor, that kinda stuff.

Is there anything/anyone/any place you now actively avoid in order to keep your inner peace? Any of Sara's online accounts. I don't care how curious I may be on how she is, I'm not looking, because I've absolutely learned it in no way benefits me, a person who's trying to learn to love and be kind to herself.

Did the last guy/girl you kissed have any piercings? No.

What is your favorite type of cat? Oriental shorthair.

Are you part Native American? I am not.

Who was your first online friend? I only knew her as Kat.

What’s a condition you have that you haven’t been officially diagnosed with? I am 100% convinced I'm a high-functioning autistic. I did get a legit evaluation, and the conclusion was I very likely am, but apparently a proper diagnosis requires a longer period of examination.

What band has the power to make you cry by splitting up? Rammstein haha, I'll cry when they simply retire.

Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? No, I'm pan and have done it before, so it's not something I'd feel funny about.

Can grills be sexy on a guy? In my own personal opinion, they can't be sexy on anyone.

What’s your favorite comic book/graphic novel? I don't have one.

Who is the lead singer of your favorite band? Till Lindemann. Ozzy is obviously the vocalist of his own band.

Do you expect to be married in the next 2 years? I suppose it's possible, but I doubt it.

Who IMed you on Facebook last? My friend Baylee.

What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes.

If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara.

Did you enjoy high school? I enjoyed certain parts of it.

Who was your favourite musical artist when you were 15? Do you still listen to them? Ozzy Osbourne. Duh lol

When was the last time you ate at a food court and what did you get? Oh wow that's a really good question, I have no idea.

Were you mean to anyone in high school? No, I was a good kid. I minded my own business.

Who is your favourite coworker? You can tell me about one from your past if you don’t have one right now. I don't work now, and I've never worked long enough previously to have a favorite at past jobs.

Do you know anyone who’s adopted a child? Yes; my sister's husband legally adopted Aubree (her eldest daughter) when she was still very young, because her biological father has absolutely nothing to do with her and he's a worthless bag of shit. Nick IS "Dad" to Aubree; she has no idea that's not her biological dad. Ashley plans on telling her one day, but Nick really doesn't want her to, but I pray Ash doesn't listen to him. Every child deserves to know this stuff.

What was the last video game or board game you purchased? Uhhhh I wanna say it was Amnesia: Rebirth because Girt gifted me a Steam giftcard.

Are any of your siblings taller than you? My brother certainly is, Ashley is, and I think Katie is slightly.

Is there any part of your sexual/romantic history that you have not told your current significant other about or that you will not tell future partners about? No. I think it is very, very important to be very open about your sexual history with your partners.

How many relationships have you been in that actually got sexual? Three-ish.

Who’s the most romantic person you ever went out with? Jason.

Do any of your family members have an upcoming birthday? My dad, towards the end of this month. Also my brother, on Earth Day.

Have you ever changed in front of the last person you kissed? No. I don't care what he's already seen of me, I hate more than the default amount of my body being shown to literally anyone.

How many siblings does your significant other have? One older sister.

What was the last zoo you visited? Aloha Safari Park.

[purplesurveys]

1723

What happened last night? Celeste and I were stuck in Pasay after a private exhibit viewing (work-related) because I absolutely refused to traverse EDSA during rush hour on a Monday, so we killed some time by doing work in my car, then we had dinner at this Chinese restaurant where she taught me how to eat xiaolongbao. We killed some more time there then I drove her and myself home, and we had another one of the heart-to-hearts that would usually happen when she and I are together.

Who is the last boy you hugged? I can't remember. It must have been my dad when I bid goodbye to him while dropping him off at the airport.

What was the last thing you thought? How excited I am to see SE SO NEON. I impulsively bought tickets the second I learned they're coming to Manila this November, but it actually stopped feeling so impulse-y when I made the purchase because I genuinely want to see them. It'll be my first indie gig though so I'm kind of nervous...I imagine I'd just be vibing at the very back. I feel like the front would be filled with much younger kids hahah.

What are you thinking about right now? Well, ^ that. Aren't they essentially the same question?

Would you have sex with the last person you sent a message to? No I think she inconvenienced me enough times today for me to ever entertain that thought.

Would you consider yourself spoiled? When we were younger I definitely felt the sense that I was more spoiled compared to my siblings, but it was always being spoiled for a valid reason – in that they'd get me a book I want or a gadget I've been eyeing if my grades were kept high.

These days, my siblings and I are all adults, and we barely get 'spoiled' anymore; it's been our turn to give back, so to speak.

What was the last text you sent? I just sent back a 'thank you too!'

Do you break things when you are mad? Never. I don't get violent when I'm mad because I've seen other people be exactly that when they're angry and I've always hated it.

Whose hoodie did you last wear besides your own? My sister's.

Did something happen today that made you angry? Yeah. I had this media crew shoot a program segment on the exhibit I've been handling on behalf of my client, and out of the crews I've worked with so far for this thing, they gave me the biggest headache. They were unprepared with their script, the assigned reporter was unsure what to say and had no clue how he was going to be shot (he was also LATE), and the cameramen were so inconsiderate of the paying guests (blocking their view, asking them to move so they can get their desired frame) I had to tell them off a million times to NOT do that and to fuck off from any customer who actually paid money to see the show.

There's also a room in the exhibit where the visuals are timed from start to end, so once you're in you can't get out, in the same way that you won't be let in if you're late. Anyway, this crew decides this is the perfect time to shoot a frame of the reporter walking into the room, but both the dude and the camera guys took SO FUCKING LONG to get their shot that the exhibit staff just closed the doors on them, and I had to tell the crew that they were going to have to wait 30 minutes for the next viewing.

I specifically mapped out my schedule today so that they can end by noon and I can drive back home to make it to my 1 PM meeting on time, but because they missed that part of the show they had to do the entire exhibit all over again. A big chunk of my time then got wasted and I had to take my meeting in the car. -___- I feel bad that I was clearly visibly irritated the entire time...but c'mon. Don't act like VVVVVIPs when we've bent over backwards this whole time to accommodate you on short notice.

What did you do today? I spent 3.5 hours in traffic just to get to ^ that shoot, went home immediately as I was sick of working outdoors (which I've been doing since Friday), then worked at 10x speed to be able to catch up on work that had been piling up since this morning. After work I bought tickets for SE SO NEON and now I'm eating this really really delicious burger from Wendy's.

What did you do Friday night? I was actually monitoring a media crew's shoot for the same exhibit, just for a different show. After that I was stuck in traffic for an offensive amount of time which I felt bad for my Grab driver about and just gave him a massive tip as both a sorry and thanks. I can't remember what I did after... I think I slept early that night - around midnight - because that entire week had left me really exhausted.

Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to? Mhm. I'm starting to get that feeling of dread more as I get older, too.

Are you lying to yourself about something? Let's go with a yes. I'm slowly coming to terms with what I know to be true, though.

Is your bed comfortable? As a bed it is, but it's a loft bed so I don't have an electric fan in front of me and so it gets really hot and uncomfortable when the weather isn't cooperating. These days I've been sleeping on my foldout sleeping bags positioned below the bed because at least I have an electric fan in this area.

Does it take a lot to make you happy? When I'm already pissed or uncomfortable, yes; but otherwise it is fairly easy to entertain me and make me smile.

Your best friend says to you now, “lets go to a party and get trashed!”? I'll be more surprised that came from her because she's mostly chilled out these days and I'm the friend who's always down to drink and be loud. Anyway, if it's RIGHT NOW right now, I'd probably say yes but I'd negotiate to go somewhere quieter as I need to go to the office tomorrow and it's not the best time to get 'trashed' LOL.

Who knows mainly all of your secrets? Are you still reading this? Then that person would be you. Haha

Can you go a day without thinking about the person that’s on your mind now? I'm not thinking about anyone.

What were you doing at 1 in the morning? Painstakingly trying to sleep. I had a particularly strong cup of coffee yesterday and the caffeine only kicked in the moment I was in bed, as if it did it on purpose.

If someone looked ON your bed, what would they find? Just my comforter and my BT21 plushies. Like I said, I've been sleeping in my sleeping bags these days so my pillows and blanket are here with me below my actual bed.

Were you single over last summer? Yes.

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Not my eyes, but I've had people compliment my eyelashes because they're suuuperrr long. Also why I've never needed to put on mascara.

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? I highly doubt that. I would 100% be cranky beyond belief, and I hate being in that state because it's always embarrassing afterwards.

How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over? My dad, my grandpa, Nacho.

When you think of the rainbow, what pops in your head? Pride.

Is the person you last texted single? No idea, I only met her today.

Was last night terrible? Not terrible, but very exhausting.

[earth2carmen]

ADULTING

been on why grown up shit lately. im just kinda being thrown in with no guidance from my other she basically just gave me all my important papers and info and said fuck it. I mean I guess that's helpful in a way but she hasnt taught me anything else and in a weird way I feel like its because im a girl. she never did this with brothers she made all their appts and handled all their shit until my oldest brother got a wife and my other brother still at 21 she makes his appts. I scheduled an appt w my doctor and she basically told me I haven't been having the best care bc of the way my mom was handling all my medical care. such as chasing one doc having multiple people prescribe me my prozac basically I just need to get caught up on my physicals and chose ONE doctor lol. im gonna chose her just because she was very friendly and I dont like the other lady I was seeing, idk just gave me weird vibes. while I was there I wanted to get bloodwork done to see if I was diabetic or pre diabetic since recently we found out my mom was. as well to see what medications my insurance would cover for weight loss shots such as ozempic, basically make you lose weight crazy fast but extremely expensive. she gave me a refferak so now wait for them to call. I also got a refferak for a therapist to see if im bipolar and also one for an obgyn. I made all my appts and even made my my chart. I know can see everything im behind in and am looking forward to just getting all this shit out of the way. I hope to god I get approved for ozempic. and as far as my obgyn I couldn't get an appt until may 1st but ill be ok I dont have any serious concerns just a basic checkup as well as some sex questions so all is good, I also want to know if here's any probiotics that they recommend to take to have a healthy vagina. im so proud of myself for doing this all on my own. like I literally was just thrown into it. my doctor said im doing well and she is proud. im waiting on my test results from my blood work im not really neverous but well see. when I went to get the bloodwork done they couldn't get my vain and kept fucking trying, I was lokwey stunned like do they not know wtf they are doing but FINALLY WE GOT IT I was just so shocked I was in the chair like be fkn fro. I also went ahead and caught up on my bills. I want to pay off my MacBook w my tax money so I dont collect any debt. it honestly feels so bittersweet I want to be free, careless and childish again. I want to come home from school and dread doing my homework, I want to worry about who im gonna sit next to at lunch, I want to experience the joy of making innocent connections again. being an adult sucks

[bgyuus]

chifuyu matsuno x reader

; where takemitchy takes his friend out for his birthday and his present? you.

cw: light spoilers, fingering, riding, mentions of choking, no condom, overstimulation, he calls you princess/slut, unedited writing. 

note: i'm finally reading the tokyo revengers manga and ngl, it was a total rollercoaster while reading it. also, chifuyu’s in his present time (the pic below 😫 *simp screams*) 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHIFUYU!”

Takemitchy exclaimed, engulfing his old friend in a tight hug.

The ebony black haired male smiled, thanking him as he hugged back. It’s been a while since he last hang with him. Having their schedule busy with meetings and such, they couldn’t find the right time to catch up on things. Sure, they see each other everyday but spending the rest of the day with an old friend without worrying about work just hits different. At least that’s what Chifuyu thought.

“Shall we go have dinner then go see your present?” the blonde asked with a smile. Chifuyu nodded in response, shutting the car door behind him as Takemitchy speeds off into the horizon.

“Thanks for the dinner, man,” the birthday boy said, smiling at his friend in the drivers seat. “No problem! And now! It’s time for your present!” Takemitchy exclaimed. His voice filled with anticipation. He looks more excited than Chifuyu himself.

“Alrighty, we’re here!” he said, parking the car in front of a fancy looking complex. “Are we in Shibuya?” the black haired male asked, facing the building in awe. Takemitchy only nodded as he skipped into the building, making Chifuyu ran up to catch him.

The elevator stopped at level 4. As the two adults stepped out from the lift, Chifuyu’s jaw nearly dropped at what he saw. Right outside the elevator was a counter, handled by a middle-aged man, who was occupied with a women- who was dressed in a very thin silk dress. The male's eyes wondered around the boards beside the counter. They were filled with pictures of- lewd photos. Chifuyu cocked an eyebrow at this. What even-

"Looks like this place hasn't change one bit," Takemitchy said with hands on his hips, a proud and nostalgic look displayed in his eyes. “Oh, Takemitchy, right? Here for your reservation?” the man behind the counter asked. Blondie nodded furiously. Why is he so excited? Chifuyu raised an eyebrow at his friend. “Actually, I’m just here because I made the reservation, the one who’ll be doing the job is Chifuyu,” Takemitchy said proudly, pushing his friend towards the counter.

Chifuyu swallowed hard. Is this place what he thinks it is? "Alright, sign here and please proceed to the waiting room," the man said, handing a form to Takemitchy. Chifuyu tugged his shirt and pulled his friend aside. "Oi, what're- what am I suppose to do?" he asked, sounding nervous. "You're a 26 year old virgin, I'm helping you out!" Takemitchy explained while signing the form and handing it back to man behind the counter. Chifuyu mentally face palmed himself. This was definitely not how he imagined getting his virginity loss. Especially not with some random girl at a brothel.

"Wait! This is not how I-,"

"You may now go to the waiting hall, gentlemen," the man said, pointing to a room not far from the lift. Takemitchy thanked him and head towards the room without wasting any minute. Chifuyu walked after him, deadpanned at his friend's excited behaviour. "Look, I appreciate the effort but-" "Chifuyu, meet my friend, y/n!" the blonde said, holding hands with a girl in front of him.

The black haired man stared down at the girl. She was gorgeous. Is he lying? Of course not. His eyes trailed down to your body, scanning every inch of your curves. You laughed as he snapped back into reality. "Can't wait to do the dirty, are we?" You teased, pulling him towards you by his tie. Chifuyu's cheeks heated up as you brought your face close to his. “Aww, Takemitchy, you didn’t tell me he was a shy one,” you exclaimed, turning your head to face your blonde friend. “Eh? Chifuyu? Shy? Please, he’s one of Toman’s Top Admin, why would he be shy now?” Takemitchy laughed, making the said boy’s cheeks even hotter. You faced the man in front of you again. Now it was your turn to blush. The faint smell of his cologne filled your nostrils. His skin was fairly smooth. His eyes, oh how you got lost staring into his light blue orbs. Those orbs were just so mesmerizing that you didn’t notice that he was also actually staring into yours. Takemitchy gave off a small chuckle, making both of you snap back into reality.

“Sorry about that,” you said slowly, eyes glued to the floor, not wanting to let this Chifuyu guy to see your red tinted cheeks. Funny how this was actually your first time experiencing a quickened heartbeat for a customer. You slowly jerked your head up to look at the male. Chifuyu took a quick glance at you, making your eyes meet again once more. He rubbed the back of his neck, not sure of what to say. “Ay yow! I’m not here to just sit and see y’all being all gushy and wasting my money,” Takemitchy complained in a jokingly way. You shot your head up as if you had escaped from a trance. “Alright, Chifuyu! Let’s get going, shall we?” your playful smirk crawling back to your lips, grabbing both of his hands and lead him to another room, leaving Takemitchy alone with his earbuds plugged in.

Chifuyu scrubbed his body under the hot steaming water. One second she was like a teenage girl staring at her very new boyfriend then suddenly she became a playful flirt again, he sighed in thought. He was sure that he could here her heart beating rapidly as if it was about to burst out from her chest.

And yet, here he was, taking a shower before losing his 25 years of being a virgin to a girl he doesn’t even know, let alone have met before. Sounds kinda messed up to be honest, he chuckled at his joke. After slipping on his undergarments and a robe, he exited the bathroom while wiping his damped hair. “Look, I know you’re only doing your job but-” he got cut off, eyes widened at your figure who was slowly taking off your dress, revealing a see through lingerie. Being the kind (and nervous as fuck) gentleman, he immediately looked away, blood rushing to his cheeks and a slight pain growing in his boxers.

You walked up to him and slowly pushed him onto the bed with a light touch of your finger. Chifuyu’s breath hitched as you placed your legs at his sides. You dragged a finger along his jaw to his chin, tilting it upwards, making his eyes stare into yours. The both of you stayed there in silence, listening to each others quicken heartbeats. Your cheeks were tinted red, it was noticeable to Chifuyu. His eyes flickered to your lips then to your eyes. You gulped nervously. On the inside, you were practically cursing to yourself, telling you to get a grip and just treat him like your usual customers. You closed your eyes, wishing that this was just a dream or hoping that the man in front of you isn’t that Chifuyu guy but another customer.

Your eyes fluttered open, only to find that he was leaning into your touch. Fuck it, you thought as you slammed your lips into his. Surprisingly, he too, kissed you back. You slowly wrapped your arms around his neck, bringing him closer to your body. Chifuyu placed his hands on your waist and soon, his hands grabbed your thighs and wrapped them around his waist. The kiss then became sloppy as he bit the bottom of your lip gently, gaining access to explore your mouth.

You finally let go in desperate need of air. Chest huffing up and down whilst your sweaty forehead leaned against his. Your cheeks were definitely red now and same as his. "It's okay if you don't want to do it," you said nervously, looking down at- shit. Your eyes widened at the tent in his undergarment. All that kissing made him hard? Your cheeks flushed even more now. Chifuyu noticed this and looked down. Shit, shit, shit, shit, he cursed to himself. "Uhm," he laughed in a nervous and unsure tone. For the first time in your life, you're being this flustered and nervous. There was definitely something wrong with this guy, you concluded as you looked at Chifuyu who was fumbling with the ropes of his robe.

"Uh, I'll take care of this myself," he said, pushing you off his lap. You quickly grabbed his wrist, stopping him in his tracks. "I know you don't want your first time to be with a, um, a p-prostitute like me, but let me help you with that, plus you don't wanna let Takemitchy's money go to waste, don't you?" you explained. You avoid looking at him, cheeks still tinted red with embarrassment. With a light tug from your hand, Chifuyu went back to the bed.

"F-fuck, that's it," the male sighed, hands gripped onto your sides as you rode him. Screams can be heard from you as you slammed yourself onto his cock. It was tiring, really. Getting your pelvis to hit his everytime was a pain. "Fuyu, I can't," you gasped as his tip hit your cervix. "Now now, princess, you were the one who was all over me in the first place," he said, pulling you by the neck, slightly choking you whislt making your foreheads touch. You flinched at his sudden demeanor. Where did the shy and nervous Chifuyu go? 

You can't do it anymore. You toppled on top of him, gasping for air. Chifuyu found this amusing. "Is my wittle princess tired?" he asked in a playful tone while stroking your hair lovingly. You nodded in response, too exhausted from riding and cumming for the third time. You feel like you were about to pass out when he suddenly flipped you over. "Ass up, face down for me, princess," he whispered. You wouldn't be lying if you say his tone of voice turned you on.

You obeyed his words. Chifuyu groped at your ass, feeling the soft flesh against his warm skin. You squirmed under his touch, wanting him to desperately put his dick back inside of you. "Chifuyu, please, ah!" You yelped at the sudden contact. He inserted a finger into your wet entrance, pumping them slowly. Enjoying the pleasure his finger's giving, you didn't realize that your hips started to rock against his hand, following the pace of his digit.

"Stay still, you slut," he snapped as he slapped your ass making you moaned in both pain and pleasure. Chifuyu's free hand grabbed your hip to lock you in place. He stopped penetrating your cunt with his finger and pumped his cock, which was already leaking with precum. You winced at the pain as he inserted his cock inside you. The blacked haired male didn't move, he let you readjust to his size and once he got the signal, he slammed his his against your ass, making you screamed.

Tears slowly streaming down your eyes as your knuckles turned white from gripping the sheets too hard. Takemitchy said this will be his first time but the way he thrusts-

"Why are are you crying? Don't you like this?" He sounded sadistic and that nearly made you cum on the spot. "Chifuyu, I'm about to cu-," he grabbed a fistful of your hair, making your back hit his chest. "Hold it, hold it in for me, princess," he whispered into your ear. His voice, oh my god, his voice literally nearly made you burst. But you did hold it in for him. At this point, you’d do anything for him. 

His thrusts never slowed down. His hand gripping at your waist guided your body, matching his thrusting rhythm. "Chifuyu, please, I can't hold it anymore," you panted. He grabbed your face and kissed you roughly. Tongue swirling, fighting for dominance. His lips trailed down to your jaw then to your neck, sucking and biting, leaving dark purple blue marks. His thrusts began to slow down, signaling that he was close too. “Shit, come for me, princess,” he whispered into you ear and this time you finally came whilst feeling his cum dripping down your thighs. 

Chifuyu sat up from the bed. He smiled softly at the girl sleeping peacefully beside him. He checked his phone and saw a message from Takemitchy. 

Seems like you’re enjoying yourself, Chifuyu! I’ll be going home now. Hope you like the present! 

- Takemitchy

The ebony black haired male smiled at his friend’s message. He turned to face the girl again. She stirred in her sleep, her feet lightly kicking his waist. He chuckled at her sleepy behavior. Their first encounter was weird enough for him. It was as if they were teens again. Staring and getting lost in each others eyes. He smiled at remembering the incident where she stared at him as if he was the first man she had ever seen in her entire life. 

“Hey, you’re up early,” the girl said, rubbing her eyes. She crawled towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck, leaning against his bare back. “Are you really this clingy after doing your job?” Chifuyu laughed at her pouting face. Heat rises to her cheeks once more as she let go of him. “No, it’s just that, you’re warm that’s all,” she crossed her arms in denial. She looked at the man beside her. He was laughing with his toothy grin shining against the rising sun. The girl’s face blushed at how gorgeous he looks. Chifuyu noticed her tinted cheeks. He kissed her a good morning kiss, taking her by surprise. 

“This sounds weird and sudden but wanna be more than just my present?” 

note: okay! so that was longer than i expected but this does show how much of a simp i am for this guy lol. anyways, hope you enjoyed the story! <3 

[dclsbaby]

Let You Go - Dominic Calvert-Lewin (One Shot) 🦋

Summary: You leave Dom without warning after his mum expresses her disapproval of you and he tries to get you to come home with him. (Massive thanks to @dee192​ for requesting this, I changed it up a tiny bit but I hope you’ll still like it) 🤍 x

Warnings: painful pain angsty angst

Word Count: 2.1k

masterlist

“She doesn’t want to see you,” you could hear your friend say. “Please, let me just talk to her, fuck, let me just see her!” Dom begs.

“There’s not much I can do Dom, please you have to understand. Seeing you right now isn’t what she wants, or needs!” your friend replies. “What does she not want? Me? She doesn’t want me anymore?” he asks. “I—I don’t,” your friend sighs, not knowing what to say. “That’s right you can’t answer me, so let me fucking see her,” Dom pleads.

“I need answers! Let me fucking in!” his voice getting louder and louder, your friend unable to contain him for much longer.

You rested your head behind the door, trying to listen in on their conversation. Your emotions were all over the place, you so badly wanted to run up to him, tell him that of course you want him, but your relationship just wasn’t on the cards.

Words of “I’ve seen the likes of you before”, “you will never be enough for him” and “you are just another gold digger trying to rob him of all his money” said by his mother play through your mind over and over. And he doesn’t even know it.

Barely half an hour since that painful conversation, you swiftly packed all your things into two full suitcases and left your shared home to take shelter at your friend’s home.

You wiped the house clean of your things with except for a post-it that says,

I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore.

You deserve someone better.

Please just trust me and let me go.

The paper wasn’t big enough to write an explanation, and you weren’t planning to give him one anyway.

Since then, it’s been two weeks of complete silence from your end.

Now, he’s standing in your friend’s driveway, arguing with her after getting a tip from a friend of his on your whereabouts.

***

You are desperate to see him, even for a split second. You needed to see him, just once more, to forever remind yourself of the contours of his face you used to trace with your fingertips, the full lips you sorely miss, and the comfort of his arms you so painfully want to be wrapped in. To remind yourself of your one true love, that no other man after him could ever live up to.

Giving into your impulses, you step behind the window to catch a glimpse of him. One peek was all it took for his head to shoot up to where you stood, as if his senses activated the second you were in sight.

You’ve been seen.

You felt your body freeze, before making a run for the stairs to hide yourself from him.

“(Y/N)...” he whispered. “(Y/N)—No, don’t run away from me!” Dom chases after you. Of course, he beats you to it and grabs your arm, making it impossible to reach the top of the stairs. Reminder to never even be bothered to run away from a professional athlete ever again. There’s no point.

“Don’t fucking run away from me for fuck’s sake!” he yells at you. Catching up to you within milliseconds.

“What the fuck do you want, Dom?” pulling your arm out his grasp, your hostility surprising Dom. You take a step, hovering above him. “What the fuck do I want? I want you to fucking come home! I want you to talk to me so we can work this out like fucking adults!”

“I don’t want to fucking talk to you, I made that very clear,” you tell him. “You left without an explanation, (Y/N)! You honestly think that I deserved that? That I deserved to come home to an empty house, to find the love of my life gone, and a stupid piece of paper telling me that you’ve left? Fuck off,” Dom shakes his head in anger.

“You just have to trust me, please, just leave,” you plead. “I am not fucking leaving until you give me answers.”

“Did you cheat on me?” Dom’s voice barely made it out. “Cheat on you? Of course I didn’t, how, how could you even think that?” taken aback at his question. “I don’t know, maybe you’ve been playing a game this whole time,” his voice gets louder with every syllable.

“A game? You think I’m enjoying this? Fine, the fucking truth is, I am split in two, Dom. I left half of my heart with you in that house that I no longer can function. You haven’t seen what I’ve been like over the past couple of weeks, so you don’t get to accuse me of playing a game,” you retaliate.

“You haven’t seen what I’ve been like!” upset at what you said. “You left for no reason! You barely gave me an explanation! I am so in over my head that I’ve been shit at training, shit at games, I’ve had the entire Goodison yell profanities at me when I got taken off, I’ve disappointed everyone because my mind, my heart, and my fucking soul is set on you!” Dom angrily lets out his thoughts.

“So it’s my fault? Great, another thing that I should take blame for,” you chuckle sarcastically, feeling overwhelmed. “Cheers Dom, nice talk, have a great night,” you proceed to walk up the stairs before Dom pulls you back down.

“I’m not fucking done with you,” he says sternly. “We are working this out now,” gesturing to the floor.

“Fine, not here, you’ll wake the entire neighbourhood up,” you continue your way up the stairs and into your friend’s guest bedroom, with Dom trailing behind you. Dom nearly shudders at the sight of the room, unhappy that you’ve made it into a home with everything so tidy, so in place, so cosy. He briefly wonders if you’ll ever come back.

***

The second the door was shut, you and Dom went back to arguing. And he wasted no time.

“You shut me out for weeks! You packed up your bags and left while I was at training, you don’t pick up my calls, you ignore my texts, you hide out at your friend’s place while we have our own home, you left me with nothing except for that stupid post-it!” he pants. “How the fuck do you think that made me feel? You’ve put our entire relationship in a small piece of fucking paper,” he looks away for a moment. “You couldn’t even say goodbye.”

“Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye to you? Did it ever occur to you that if you ever tried to stop me I would’ve stayed and been with you even though I know it wouldn’t work?” you raise your voice.

“How would you fucking know that it wouldn’t work? You barely gave us a chance to work it out, you just left!” his arms flail in frustration. “I don’t even know what we’re meant to work out, why you even left!”

Silence fills the air before Dom shifts closer to you.

“Why did you leave me?” Dom softly asks, barely making eye contact. You let out a deep breath at his question.

“You don’t get it Dom, you just don’t,” you look onto the floor. “What is it that I don’t get? Tell me, please,” Dom begs.

You’ve been cornered and there is no escape.

“Your mother hates me, and there’s nothing I can do about it,” shaking your head. “My mother? What?” Dom pulls back and sits up straight.

“We had a conversation,” you’re finally about to speak your truth. Dom’s head shot up, confused.

“You weren’t home, she came over and sat me down,” you pause, pressing your lips together, bracing yourself for what’s about to come out of your mouth. “Your mum told me that I am a gold digger, that I’m with you for the money and the fame,” you can feel tears pooling in your eyes. “Wh—what?” Dom takes a sharp inhale in shock. “She sees her as her own daughter and I can’t live up to that,” you refer to his ex.

Dom looks up to the ceiling in disbelief. “Your mom told me she knew I couldn’t make a living for myself with the job that I have, and accused me of preying on you to be set for life,” a tear rolled down your eye to which you quickly wiped. “I—” “And she’s right, in a way,” you look up at him, cutting him off. “You bought us a house, you built us a home, you provide me with comfort, you give me security,” you pause for a moment. “You gave me everything, whilst I gave you nothing.”

Dom stays silent knowing there’s more. And he’s right. “But even if you didn’t have all of those things, even if you barely have a penny in your pocket, I’d still be in love with you. If everything we have, if everything you have would be taken away from you right this second, I’d still be in love with you,” you place a hand on his right cheek, and notice that his eyes have turned bloodshot red.

“But I also can’t handle disapproval. If your mother thinks that you’re better off without me, as much as it kills me,” you begin to cry. “I—I have to respect that,” your voice breaking. “I just want you to be happy, even if that means I’d have to let you go.

Dom pulls you into his arms, holding you, embracing you, harder than ever before.

“I don’t care what my mother thinks, I am in love with you and only you,” Dom assures you whilst trying to process what you said. “You have given me more than I could ever offer. You’ve shown me that I am a man who deserves to be loved. You’ve filled me in with so much love my heart could burst at any given time. You’ve given me more reasons to live and give my all in this world. That is more than anything I could give you.”

“You deserve someone else,” your voice breaks. “I deserve you. I have no interest in reliving my past or even have anyone from my past be a part of my life today, because you are my life,” he says, staring into your eyes hoping you believe him.

You look up to him in shock and relief at the same time, if that’s even possible.

“I love you too much,” he says, holding your face in his hands. “I would marry you right fucking now if I could, I would get eloped with you right now and run away from the world. Just the two of us,” Dom tells you. “We don’t need anyone’s blessing. I don’t care for it,” he confesses. “I just want you.”

“We can’t be together Dom, your mum—” “—I don’t care what she thinks. I am grown enough to know what’s meant for me and what isn’t. She was massively out of line and shouldn’t have made such a despicable accusation,” he says, pissed off.

“Don’t say that, she’s your mother,” you try to calm him down. “I get that, but she’s almost cost me the love of my life, and if I lost you I can’t ever forgive her for that,” he whispers. “We’ll go through this together, you have to believe me when I say that I’m not letting anyone get in the way of us,” he tries to convince you. “You should’ve known that I would do anything to protect what we have.”

“I didn’t want to put you in a position where you had to choose,” you say to him. “I understand, but that isn’t your choice to make baby,” Dom says.

“I love you, (Y/N). No one and nothing can get in the way of that, ever, you have to believe me, please,” Dom begs. “I love you,” you say it back.

Dom puts a hand behind your neck, pulling you close before planting a hard kiss on your tear-stained lips. The kiss was desperate, full of longing, desire, and rage all in one.

It was a kiss that almost went too far, but there was something else you both needed to do.

You broke off the kiss and pulled away from him.

“Come home with me? Please?” Dom asks, hoping you’d come back home and never leave again.

“Only if you help me pack,” you tease. Dom’s face brightens up, dimples on either of his cheeks, his nose scrunching in excitement.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he says, a peck on the lips after every ‘I love you’.

You both stood up, ready to make a mess out of your friend’s guest bedroom.

Dom places his hands on your hips tugging them closer to his, before leaning into your face. “Don’t ever leave me again,” he pleads.

“Never.”

[fanmoose12]

the devil you know

Сharacters: Hange Zoe, Levi, Moblit Berner, Zeke Yeagar, Armin Arlert

Genres: Action / Drama

Summary: Can you still miss a person, if everything you knew about them was a lie?

Сhapter 2/?

Chapter 1

Her first visitor was - quite unsurprisingly - Moblit.

He brought food, a change of clothes and even books to her. All of them - Hange couldn't help but note - were picked up to suite her interests.

Then he sat down next to her and proceeded to clean the small cut on her cheek, the one she received during the raid on Liberio, when one of the bullets flew almost too close for her to dodge.

"It's just a scratch," she whispered, still unable to meet his gaze. She did not deserve his kindness. She never did.

"It still might get infected," Moblit murmured, applying a soothing balm on the wound. Gentle, he was always so gentle with her. So patient too. Hange’s eyes started to sting.

"And why do you care?" she asked, staring at the wall in front of her. "Don't you..." she closed her eyes, wincing. Why did she care? He was an enemy, the devil of Paradise, and yet— yet her heart still squeezed painfully and her stomach was in knots. "Don't you hate me?"

Moblit sighed, putting away the med kit. He rose up from his kneeling position and joined her on a small prison bed.

"I tried," he confessed softly. "I tried hating you, so hard and for so long but I just… couldn't. You know when Captain Levi broke the news of your betrayal..." he chuckled quietly, running a hand through his hair. "I started crying. I thought how could you do that, after those years we've spent fighting side by side, how could lie to us like this? But then..."

"Then?" Hange echoed, her voice wavering.

"Then I remembered our first expedition," Moblit smiled. "The one where I almost got eaten. You saved me back there. Nearly got your hand bitten off but you saved me, and that made me realize, you didn't lie, not always anyways. You're an extraordinary person, Hange-san, but I don't think even you can pretend like this all the time. All these nights I carried you to your room after you fell asleep in your office and you murmured 'thanks' against my shirt, all these evenings we and the guys from our squad got drunk at the bars, all these times you made sure to check on me, when I got myself into infirmary, finding the time to do so, despite your crazy schedule... I know all of this wasn't a lie, it couldn’t be.”

He paused for a moment, staring at her with the same devotion he always did, the one that always made Hange’s throat go dry, because she had never deserved it. She – a traitor and a liar – never deserved Moblit’s kindness and affection. But even now, he didn’t seem to understand it.

“I can't hate you, Hange-san,” he murmured softly, “because I know that this betrayal hurt you as much as it did all of us."

He touched her hand, briefly squeezing it, and when Hange looked up, surprised that her vision is clouded, Moblit wiped off her unshed tears and gave her another kind smile.

"I'll come back in the evening. Please tell me if you need anything else. I can go to your room..."

"My room?" Hange startled. "You haven't cleared it out yet?"

Haven't they destroyed everything there - burned all of her papers and smashed all of her samples? Why not?

"Captain Levi forbade us from doing so," Moblit replied, and that seemingly simple revelation had Hange’s heart beating madly. Her shocked expression didn’t go unnoticed by Moblit. He chuckled heartily, muttering something to himself.

"Good day, Hange-san," he said at last, leaving her to deal with the bewildering news on her own.

***

Armin came to her next.

For the longest time, he just sat there, fiddling with something small, enclosed in his hands and out of her sight.

Hange ignored him, pretending to read one of Moblit's books and watching him from the corner of her eyes, waiting for Armin to speak up.

Was it his method of manipulation? If so, it wasn't working.

But as the silence stretched on, becoming tenser with each second, Hange struggled not to squirm in her seat. What was the meaning of this? What was he waiting for? And then, when she was ready to speak up and ask what the fuck he wanted with her, Armin finally looked up.

He rose to his feet and hid the mysterious object inside his jacket before Hange could see what it was.

"I'll have tea brought for us,” he announced. “Just wait for a minute."

"It's not like I can go anywhere," Hange muttered, rolling her eyes.

“Just a minute,” Armin repeated with a nervous laugh, and then hurriedly left.

Once the tea was brought, Armin let himself inside the cell.

"There you go," he murmured, handing Hange a white porcelain cup. It was one of the best that the scouts had, Hange knew that this tea set was only used for that rare instances, where they had to hold meetings with the highest members of the brass. And Armin decided to use this set to have a tea party with her? The hospitality was making her uncomfortable. Was that Armin’s intention too?

She accepted the cup, looking at the boy over its rim. "How are Gabi and Falco?"

"Don't worry," Armin smiled. "No harm will come their way. Their cell is not... as luxurious as yours is,” he gestured to the bed, desk and even small bookshelf that stood inside. “But they're in good hands, you can trust me on that."

"Thank you," Hange nodded and drank from the cup. Her eyes opened wide as she tasted the familiar sweet flavor. How did he—

"You should try biscuits too," Armin the pushed the plate closer to her. Hange glanced at them. Just as the tea, those biscuits were her favorite.

"We used to do it a lot, remember?" Armin said, easily deciphering the reason for her surprise. "With Mikasa, Eren and the rest of your squad..."

"I remember," Hange quietly answered. She took another sip, her throat suddenly going too dry.

Was this all a part of his plan? To make her feel as the most disgusting piece of shit in the world? Armin shouldn’t have bothered. She was quite good at it herself.

"Good times, eh?" Armin chuckled, putting a hand under his chin. “Those evening at the barracks… You told us so many things, had us hanging onto your every word. You had enough passion in you to carry on for the whole night, but Captain Levi never let us stay for too long…”

“Is that the reason for your visit?” Hange snapped, interrupting him. Every word from his mouth was making her more and more angry. She didn't need some barely adult to lecture her, trying to make her feel bad. What did he want to achieve with that? Make her realize how awful she is? She knew that already. “Did you come here to reminisce about the good old days? Don’t you have anything better to do, Armin?”

"Sorry," weird, but Armin looked genuinely apologetic. Was he always that good of an actor? Or did he learn the skill of deceit after she left? "It wasn't my intent to stir... some unwanted memories. I didn't come here for this. I actually... wanted to ask a question."

"Ask away," Hange allowed, crossing arms on her chest.

"I've been thinking about this a lot," Armin began, playing with a cup's handle. Looking like that – with his head bowed and his eyes cast down, he reminded Hange of the boy she knew four years ago. She almost believed in his sincerity. “Reiner and Berthold, Annie... they wanted to kill Eren. At the very least, take him away. Why haven't you attempted something like this? You had more than enough opportunities. Why didn't you use them?"

Why didn't she indeed. Deep down, Hange knew an answer to this question. But since she wasn't only a piece of shit, but a coward as well, she wasn’t ready to admit it, even to herself. And she sure as hell wasn’t going to admit to Armin too.

She had an answer for him, though. A reason she fabricated to placate her superiors and give herself at least some peace of mind.

"I've never seen an Attack Titan. Kruger died before I became a part of Titan Research Society. And..." she shrugged, and put on a bright smile, her only mask and best defense. "I wanted to study him so much that I was willing to ignore my duty."

"And thunder spears?" Armin asked. "Without them, we would have lost at Shiganshina. Why did you create them?"

"Same reason," she took a biscuit in her hands, biting into it. Her lie was so good, she herself started believing in it. "I was too fascinated by your technology. Couldn't pass the opportunity to find out what your natural resources are capable of."

"Ever the scientist?" something very close to admiration shone in Armin's big blue eyes. Hange quickly looked away, not giving her guilt an opportunity to resurface. She’d have time for that later, when left alone. “Thank you for your answer, Hange-san.”

“Is that all you’ve wanted to ask?”

“No,” Armin shook his head. He shifted his eyes back down, staring into his cup. He slowly span the spoon, lost in thought.

“I know it’s unwise,” he stated, tone uncharacteristically firm for a boy Hange once knew. “And I know that others may not… agree with me on this, but I wasn’t supposed to be in this position. Commander Erwin left it to you, you’re his true successor and I…”

Couldn’t be, Hange thought. Was it another one of his games?

“Are you asking for an advice, Armin?”

“I…” he chuckled, nervously ruffling his hair. “I guess I am. It’s just— everyone looks up to me now, thinking I’ve got all the right answers, but I don’t even know what the question is supposed to be. I’m trying to deal with the mess that the attack on Liberio caused, and now everyone is coming after me for putting Eren in jail, and—” Armin rubbed his face, his shoulders sagging. Hange started to feel sorry for the boy, she could only imagine how hard it was to call shots during times like this. “After you… left, I thought I’ve learnt my lesson. I thought I knew that you can’t trust everyone. But Eren isn’t just someone, he’s my best friend.”

I was someone’s best friend too once, Hange almost said. She was someone’s best friend too, and then she betrayed him.

Would he ever be able to forgive me, she wondered.

No, Hange shut that train of thoughts immediately. He wouldn’t. He was too smart to be that kind.

“He’s a family,” Armin solemnly continued, breaking her out of the reverie. “But after what he’s done in Liberio… I can’t even look him in the eyes.”

“He changed,” Hange said, as softly as she could. She contemplated covering Armin’s hand with hers, but she doubted he’d allow it. “People do that sometimes.”

“Yes,” Armin nodded. “I’m… learning to accept that.”

“I know you still care about him. You always will.”

She will always care about him too. God, she was pathetic. A spy and a traitor and she couldn’t do even that properly, forgetting the most important rule of ‘do not get attached’.

“But you can’t trust Eren anymore,” Hange told him.

Talking about trust? Well, wasn’t she a hypocrite. Another one of her many, many flaws.

“I know,” he sadly agreed. “But Eren is not the only one, who worries me. There is also a matter of Zeke Yeager…” Armin reminded.

She smashed the biscuit in her fist. Zeke, the bastard had played them all. And to think she used to admire him… More than just admire him.

“Don’t let Eren and Zeke converse,” she warned grimly. “Under any circumstances. Knowing what Zeke is capable of, and witnessing what Eren is capable of, it would be best if you separate them.”

“Separate them…” Armin mumbled, biting his thumb.

“Get Zeke out of the inner city,” Hange advised. “As far as you can. Perhaps…” she scratched her chin, thinking. “Perhaps, have him hidden in the Forest of Giant Trees.”

“Huh… that’s a very sound idea,” Armin slowly nodded, some tension leaving his body. That bright light returned to his eyes, and Hange relaxed at the sight of it. Seeing some of his worries disappear made her feel just a tiniest bit better about herself. “I can appoint Captain Levi as Zeke’s guardian, he won’t be able to make a single move then.”

“You do that.”

Just at the mention of him, all of her good mood had disappeared. It was a good thing that Armin decided to get him out of the city too. Perhaps, her heart wouldn’t get completely shattered then.

“Thank you so much,” Armin finally smiled, looking up at Hange.

With his puffy cheeks and big, bright eyes, he looked young, she couldn’t help but note. He was still just a boy. And already he had a burden on his shoulders Hange wasn’t sure she herself would be able to carry.

“I know it may not mean much to you, but you’re doing good, Armin. He—” Hange paused, clearing her throat. She still couldn’t say hisname. Commander Erwin Smith was an enemy, a biggest threat to their mission. But at the same time… he was a man she followed for five years of her life. He was a man she admired like no other. Erwin Smith was a friend.

And she missed him terribly.

“He would have been proud of you,” she finished hoarsely.

“Hange-san,” Armin rose, laying a hand on her shoulder. “I didn’t know Commander Erwin as much as you did, but I think… I think he would have forgiven you. If that’s any consolation, I already did.”

Fuck. Hange turned her face away, hiding her eyes. Starting with memories of their time years ago, bringing up Erwin, forgiving her… Was Armin so determined to make her cry?

“Thank you for your time,” Armin said at last, leaving the cell.

As soon as the door closed after him, she left the tears flow.

***

Then came Sasha. Naturally, with Connie in tow.

With wide eyes Hange stared at the variety of meals the pair brought inside her cell.

"Um..." she gawked at it, feeling utterly lost. "What is this?"

"It's food!" Sasha beamed.

"Yeah, I can see that but... What's the occasion?"

"I just thought they don't feed you in here," Sasha answered, skeptically looking Hange over. "It doesn't look like they do. You seem thinner than before."

The sight of Sasha with hands on her hips and her lips pressed together in displeasure made Hange feel inexplicably warm. She desperately tried to fight off a smile, but in Sasha's presence it proved to be an almost impossible feat.

Ah, well, she was always her favorite...

"Moblit takes care of my meals actually."

He came to her every morning and evening, bringing warm food and engaging conversations. His quiet, soft voice was the only respite from the demons in her head.

"Pfft," Sasha rolled her eyes. "And you're calling that food? This is food!" she gestured at the plates they’ve carried inside. "Just try it, Hange-san, it's delicious!"

"It's from Niccolo!" Connie said, grinning just as brightly. "He's a real master."

"And our friend!" Sasha added.

“Something more than a friend for Sasha," Connie corrected.

Red hue instantly appeared on Sasha's cheeks, and Hange couldn't resist anymore - she snickered in her palm.

"Let's eat before it gets cold," Sasha muttered, avoiding everyone's eyes.

As she busied herself with serving the table, Hange exchanged a look with Connie. The boy winked. Hange hid a smile.

As they ate, Sasha and Connie entertained Hange with stories of their everyday life. They told her about the time they pulled a prank on Jean and almost made him believe he grew ten inches taller overnight and spoke of an arm wrestling match between Mikasa and Levi that Levi, to his immense shame, had lost.

They talked so animatedly, described everything with such vivid details that Hange felt like she actually had been present when all of it had happened.

Truthfully, she desperately wanted to.

"Thanks for the meal, guys," breathing heavily, Hange sat back in a chair. She turned her face away, unable to even stare at the food. Sasha was right, the food Moblit brought her - as good as it was - didn't compare to Niccolo's. As a result, she was completely stuffed. "It was delicious."

"And talking with you had been fun," Connie said.

"It's good to see you again," Sasha admitted with a kind smile that warmed Hange’s heart.

Sasha and Connie managed to make feel better than she had been in days since Liberio. Truth be told, they made her feel better than she had been since leaving the island all these years ago.

The kids rose from their seats, moving in perfect sync.

Just like twins, Hange thought with another smile.

They moved around the table, picking up the plates.

"You go, Sasha," Connie spoke as soon as they finished. "I'll catch up with you."

"Eh?" Sasha frowned. "What do you—"

"Go," he gave her a push, still refusing to meet her gaze. "I need a moment with Hange-san."

"And why must you throw me away..." Sasha complained , shaking her head. She gave Connie another look, filled with suspicion, huffed in annoyance and then walked out of the dungeons, leaving them alone.

Connie waited until the sound of a large metal door closing was heard and then looked up at Hange.

"Hange-san," the boy seemed a bit nervous. Hange wondered about the reason for a sudden change in his demeanor. She wanted to ask, but Connie suddenly appeared beside her. Without giving her time to react, he wrapped his arms around her. Hange stood still, not knowing how to react. "Thank you for saving Sasha,” he whispered. “I don't know what I would have done without her."

Oh god, again? Were those kids going to make her cry again? She had to resist it. She was a Marleyan soldier, one of the strongest and toughest they had. She could do it.

But then Connie had the gall to press his forehead to her shoulder, sniffling quietly, and Hange felt her resolve shutter.

She quickly wiped at her eyes. "I'm glad I managed to get there in time,” she said, more honest that she had been in a long time. “This world would have lost a lot of light if Sasha was gone."

"My world would be completely dark," Connie agreed, letting go of her. He took a step back, looking at Hange with a wistful smile that reminded her that he wasn’t the same naive boy anymore. None of them were. "Thank you again. I meant it when I say it’s good to have you back. We’ve all missed you terribly, Hange-san.”

Thankfully, he left before her face became covered in tears once again.

***

Jean came to her too. Many times, actually. He paced around the cell, he touched the bars, pulled on them.

But he never entered.

He tried to be sneaky about it too, coming down to the dungeons well after midnight. But his steps were too heavy, and Hange was a spy, and before that – a soldier. She was trained to be a light sleeper practically since birth.

However, she said nothing. Giving him the time he needed was the least she could do. Besides, she knew Jean. The boy was not a coward, she knew he’d certainly come around.

And on the fourth day since the Raid on Liberio, he finally did.

He marched inside her cell, looking like a man going to war.

"Why did you do it?" he slammed his hands on the table, right under Hange's nose.

She slowly looked up from a book she was reading. "You have to be more specific, Jean. I did a lot of things."

"Sasha!" he said with barely conceived rage. "Why did you save her?"

Hange put the book down and crossed her legs at the ankles. She looked at Jean carefully, raising an eyebrow. "You didn't want me to?"

"That's not it!" Jean growled. He shook his head and then continued in a much calmer voice. "You know that's not what I meant.”

Plopping down on a chair next to Hange, he hid his face in his hands and took a deep breath. "I just don't understand it..." he muttered. "We probably wouldn't have hurt those kids even if they did harm Sasha. So why did you do it? Why did you save her?"

Hange sighed. The answer was fairly simple. But everything it entailed – not so much.

"I didn't want her to die."

Jeans studied her pensively. "Isn't that what every Marleyan wishes for? To kill as much Eldians as they can? They sent you here with the same reason, no?"

Hange gave him a sharp look. "No. My mission was to survey and investigate. I wasn't ordered to harm or kill you."

Truth was - she probably wouldn't be able to, even if ordered.

Getting too soft, Zoe, a voice that resembled Zeke's sneered in her head. Hange ignored it, swatting it away like an irritating fly.

"God, you really are making this so hard for me," Jean mumbled, shaking his head.

"What exactly?"

"Hating you," Jean replied. "I spent four years hating you. You and Berthold and Annie and Reiner... I despised them for betraying us, for lying and pretending, but you... Your betrayal shook me to the core. I thought I was ready for it, you know?" he looked at her, staring right into her eyes and showing her all of his raw emotions. Hange hated herself just a little more for causing him so much distress. "I thought that after Reiner and Berthold, nothing can hurt me. But I trusted you so much. I respected and admired you. Between unwavering Commander Erwin and aloof Captain Levi, I thought you're the only one who gives a damn about us."

Hange stared back at him, not knowing what to say. Tell him that he wasn't wrong? That, despite everything - her orders, her beliefs and upbringing - she still cared? A lot of good her care did.

“I looked up to you, you know?" Jean continued, gazing up at the ceiling with a bitter smile. "Thought you're a real badass. Well, you still are, for what it's worth. Managed to fool us all, I couldn't believe it, when Captain told us that you left. No one could. Commander Erwin even wanted to call off the expedition to Shiganshina."

Erwin wanted to call off the expedition? The stoic, cold-blooded Erwin? She had trouble believing it was true.

And her heart was having trouble shouldering all that pain. She really was a piece of shit, wasn’t she? She played with their feelings, betrayed those, who actually cared about her, and for what? For a nation whose only motivation was greed, for a war that was justified solely by prejudices?

“He didn’t name another successor, by the way,” Jean revealed. “Technically, we still don’t have a Commander. I guess no one could fill those shoes, except you.”

“Please,” Hange scoffed. “I would have done a terrible job.”

“You’re selling yourself too short,” Jean protested, shaking his head. “Commander Erwin himself believed in you. That's gotta count for something."

"Erwin didn't know me."

It was Jean's turn to scoff. "Are we talking about the same Erwin Smith? The myth, the legend?" he rolled his eyes. "He may not know everything, but he knew you. Enough to entrust his legacy to you. You're not as bad as I was making you out to be, Hange-san. Actually," Jean tilted his head, his eyes softening. "You're not as bad as you think you are."

Hange turned her face away, hiding from his intent gaze. Jean’s words stroke a chord she didn’t she think she still possessed. So pathetic. After all these years, and she still yearned for acceptance.

"You never did any harm to us,” Jean went on. “Never hurt us, at least not physically. You helped us a lot actually. Your research and inventions… Have you realized what you were doing? I think some part of you certainly has."

"Besides, after all that shit that's been going on, we can't exactly be called good guys either,” he sighed, pushing the hair back from his face. “Maybe, you and I have more in common that I'd like to think.”

Again, Hange was at a loss for words. Should she thank him for making her feel better? No, she was already pitiful enough.

"Just something to think about," Jean finished, getting to his feet.

He fixed his uniform, brushing the invisible dust from his shoulders. Hange stole a glance at him, marveling at how much he had changed. If she had been his commander, she’d be so proud of him. He had grown into a smart, kind man. Perhaps, a little too kind, she thought, recalling their conversation.

"I've never thought I'd say this," just before leaving, Jean turned to Hange, his hand gripping the bar of her cell. "But I'm glad our paths have crossed again. It looks like there are still lots of things I can learn from you."

***

At last, Levi came.

Hange didn't hear him enter the dungeons. She was in the middle of reading a book when she got a strange, prickling feeling. She looked up, almost jumping as she instantly met Levi's grey eyes. They seemed especially cold this time. Have they always been like this? She was sure they weren’t. At least, not when they were directed at her.

As their gazes connected, he said nothing. He continued to watch her, and the weight of his gaze was so heavy, she felt like she couldn't breathe.

"Erwin is dead," he finally said. Impossible, but his eyes became even colder. "Killed at Shiganshina. Did you know that?"

"I read the report."

She wasn't present at the battle, Zeke had advised against that.

"It's too dangerous for you, Professor," he had said. "Attack Titan, Ackermans and those scouts, it would be best if you sit this one out. It'd be a shame if we lost a mind as brilliant as yours. Besides," his lips curled into smirk then, a knowing glint appearing in his eyes. To this day, Hange wasn't sure if he had been joking or not. "You lived with them for so long, your feelings are compromised. I'm sure you're filled with desire to kill them all."

Funny thing, Hange thought back then. Because if she had been thrusted into that battle - she wasn't sure she'd be able to fight for the side she was supposed to.

"In a report?" Levi sneered. "Your buddy Zeke must have bragged to hell and back about it."

Levi's words, even filled with so much distain and mockery, weren't that far from the truth. The voyage back to Marley had not been a happy affair. They almost lost Zeke, they almost lost Reiner, they've lost Berthold. Sweet, timid Berthold, Hange liked him so much. After Pieck's titan, his colossal was the most intriguing test subject. Soft and caring Bertold died, and she could only imagine how hard it was for Reiner. The poor boy didn’t speak throughout the whole journey back home.

“After being away for so long, you’d think he’d be happy that the mission is finally over,” Pieck noted, whispering her observations in Hange’s ear. “But then again,” she turned to her, her sharp eyes narrowing ever so slightly. “You don’t look so excited either.”

Hange paid her no mind then, even if Pieck had suspected something, what of it? She was going home, and those Eldians – those people she lived with for five years – didn’t matter anymore. But Reiner did, and Hange watched him, intently, wondering what she could do to make him feel better. She wanted to comfort him, she even approached him and words "I know how it feels" almost slipped down her tongue. But she stopped herself at the very last moment. I know how it feels. Did she really?

She lost people before - a tall blonde man with a goofy smile who gave the best hugs, a blond woman with the most infectious laughter, the adorable petite girl who always looked at her with stars in her eyes, a cheerful young man in glasses who copied most of her gimmicks, the serious brunette who followed her every command - with every loss a part of her soul died, but could she really call them friends? They did not know her, and if they did, they would have never accepted her.

He wouldn’t have accepted you too, a malicious voice whispered in her ear.

The proof of that statement was staring her down at the very same moment.

Unable to escape Levi’s seething gaze, Hange remembered what Zeke had told her then, when she regrouped with them at Shiganshina.

“You did not mention those scouts are that crazy. To sacrifice so many people just for a chance of victory?” Zeke had scoffed, cleaning his glasses. “I just can’t understand it.”

You never will, Hange thought back then. Those brave, young soldiers. Her heart bled for them.

“And that Ackerman,” he continued. “To think they call me a beast titan. I thought I was done for. All that rage and blind hatred and all of it because of some Commander.”

“Erwin Smith.”

“What?”

“His name was Erwin Smith,” Hange repeated, her voice brimming with emotion. She blinked away tears. She would not cry, not right now. Not when Zeke was looking at her so closely. “And he wasn’t just some Commander.”

She left Zeke’s side quickly afterwards, afraid that she’d be unable to hold back her own rage. Some Commander? Erwin was much more than that. Even as Marleyan, she was able to understand that.

“Did you know about Mike too?” Levi asked, pushing himself off the wall he was leaning against. “And about Nanaba?”

She did, of course, she did. Zeke had sent her the letter, retelling everything he did to Mike in horrid, morbid details. Reading that letter, Hange struggled not to throw up. She could almost hear his screams, could almost see the horror in his eyes.

To not be simply eaten by a titan, but getting torn apart by them? Hange couldn’t imagine a fate more horrible.

The terror of it all didn’t leave her for the longest time. It was only in his arms – in Levi’s strong, gentle arms – that she managed to find some respite. She hated herself for it, but when he wiped her tears with his lips, whispering soft, soothing words in her ear, she could almost pretend to forget.

“And about Ragako?”

Amidst her inner turmoil, Hange missed the moment when Levi entered the cell. Now he was standing right beside her, looming over with dark, angry expression.

“Did you know about those people? About what was going to happen to them?” Levi wasn’t an expressive man, but his eyes showed it all. In a life where she pretended to be a mad scientist and a survey corps’ squad leader, she prided herself at being one of the few, who could read those eyes. But she could see nothing inside them right now. Levi’s face was completely blank, his emotions closed off. “Did you know what was going to happen to Connie’s mother?”

That was it, the final nail in her coffin.

And to think that just the other day, the boy was thanking her. Her, who condemned his mother, who destroyed his home.

Hange closed her eyes, taking a deep, shaky breath. She gripped the chair under her tightly, quelling the trembling. She would not break, not in front of him.

“What do you want, Levi?” she glanced at him beneath her hair. “What do you wish to hear? That I reveled in every death? That I sneaked out to the island to dance at Erwin’s grave?”

Levi pressed his lips in a line, a deep scowl forming on his forehead.

It was the same expression he had when looking at Zeke, Hange realized.

She thought her heart couldn’t break anymore. Apparently, he was wrong.

“I’m just wondering,” he said. “If there was ever anything sincere in you. Have you even felt something? After all these deaths, do you at least feel guilty?”

“If that’s what you think of me?” she looked him in the eyes, surprised to see something coming alive inside them. “If I’m a monster you think I am, what was the point of bringing me here? Why haven’t you just killed me? Surely that would have given you some peace of mind.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Levi surged forward, grabbing her by the collar. His grey eyes bore in hers with intensity that she had rarely seen. Inside them was an emotion she couldn’t quite decipher. “Shut your stupid mouth, four-eyes. Do you really not get it? After everything you put me through, after all these fucking lies, I’d still rather die than harm you.”

He pushed her away, turning on his heels and storming out of the cell. To the sound of his quick, heavy steps, Hange slowly slid to the ground. Her knees gave under her, as she realized – it was not anger that she had seen in Levi’s eyes.

It was pain.

“Fuck,” she murmured, hiding her face in her hands.

[shadowfae]

We’re all pretty aware that the tumblr otherkin community is at a huge decline; I was wondering if you have any theories as to why that is?

American Protestantism, the decline of queer oppression in North America and the AIDS crisis, helicopter parenting, web 3.0, morality politics, and  Tumblr’s porn ban; roughly in that order and rolled up into one bombshell that was a few years in the coming but nobody really saw it and understood it until it was far too late.

That was a mouthful and probably only made sense if you follow current cyberpolitical theory. For some of you reading this, as with every other hot take I have this has a chance of being passed around, that alone is enough. But for others who had no idea what I just said and need the ELI5 version, let me explain that. Buckle up, this’ll be a long one, and will go into fandom history a bit as well because it is actually relevant.

As we know, tumblr is a very American-centric platform. Twitter is also this way, but less so, but tumblr has it bad. Now, I’m ‘lucky’ in the fact that I’m Canadian and a twenty minute drive from the American border, so that puts me in the ‘privileged’ majority. (I say privileged because I’m not really sure what else to call it. Most of the information going around about politics either directly affects me or indirectly affects me approximately one or two links of contact away. Someone who’s only influenced by American politics because it makes their sister’s online friends sad is not going to be privileged in that way.)

This means that American politics and their social climate overwhelmingly affects tumblr’s social climate. This also bleeds through into other fandom spaces, on twitter, instagram, and Pixiv to name a few places; but here’s where I spend the majority of my time so here’s what I’ve witnessed.

America’s main religion, as far as I understand (from the raised agnostic and currently neopagan view I have), is some weirdass capitalistic-Protestantism that is so many miles from what the actual Bible says that if I were a betting man and knew more about cults than I did, I’d say it’s some weird fucking cult and never set foot in the country again for any reason that isn’t gaming free shipping through a PO box. If you have no idea what I just said but are at least vaguely familiar with Christianity, this graphic explains it pretty well. So we can see there’s some glaring issues with that ideal.

The decline of queer oppression and the rise of queer rights in North America, which is to tenderly include my own country but we all know when people say ‘in NA’ they mean ‘America, and Canada where it applies because the right-wing Republicans are really good in the propaganda department to convince everyone that Mexico is a drug-lords-and-anarchy wasteland to the point where even I don’t actually know what’s down there other than bad drivers and heat’; means two things. One, it’s a good thing by a long shot and do not mistake this as me thinking queer oppression being lessened is a bad thing. But two, it means that thanks to the AIDS crisis, queer folks lost a lot of first-person sources as history.

The queer elders in NA who survived are typically either a) bitter anarchists who are often POC, probably still dirt poor and do recreational drugs or b) university-tenured TERFs (trans exclusionary radical feminists). Category A are the people who Republicans have deemed worthless in every way, because racism, queerphobia, ableism, and all the other ways to be wrong and different and Evil that they can’t handle, because Jeezus would never want them to actually learn to love someone who wasn’t just like them, and they don’t have the compassion to do better. Category B are the people who want to be different in just a teensie little bit, typically with TERFs they want to be lesbians, but they don’t want to challenge the status quo. They’re fine with the way things work, they just want to be on top oppressing others over ripping the whole damn thing down and building a more forgiving system.

Now, due to all those ‘isms and the cheerfully malicious aid of the Republicans, pun not intended but drives home the cruelty of it all, we also see the rise of helicopter parenting. The invention of the internet did not really help this. Basically what you’ve got is a whole bunch of parents who saw the civil rights movement, just got access to the internet and things going viral, know the world is changing, and like all parents, they’re scared for their children. Now instead of parents knowing one or two people in their classes who just went missing one day and everyone assumed they ran away, they hear about eight homicides in the city of kids going to parks at night and dying. The Satanic Panic was another event around this time that contributed to that, but I’ll let you research that one.

This means that all of these parents, instead of doing what their parents typically did and let their kids wander off for the day so long as they’re back by sundown, they can’t let their children out of their sight. There might be a freak accident where their child is decapitated on the playground swing! Their baby might get murdered by an evil Satanist walking home from school! Their dearest darling might go online and tell their address to someone who’s got a 100% chance of being a pedophile who will show up and kidnap them in the night!

…You get the idea. 

Combine those three things I just established, what we’ve got is a lot of queer kids who have a lot of internalized shame for being different and wrong, because they’re queer, and they can’t find spaces offline to be themselves, because all of the elders who would do that are dead and/or inaccessible and their parents won’t let them go to any clubs that aren’t school-related, which they’ll never find a GSA or queer club because Republicans, ‘isms, propaganda, and the war on Category A queer adults have all done their best to ensure that those spaces don’t exist.

So you have a generation of kids who I am the youngest of. The first generation on the internet. The late Web 1.0 (usenets and Geocities) and early Web 2.0 (livejournal was the big one, ff.net too, also 4chan but fuck those guys) generation. What we were taught was: trust nobody on the internet with your real info no matter how much you like them, this is a wilderness and any crimes that happen won’t be punished or seen so don’t put yourself in a position where you’re going to be the victim of one, and everything you put online is never getting taken down so don’t put anything up that you’re not willing to have on the front page of your local newspaper.

This worked out pretty well, actually! You had kids who knew that if they got in trouble, there was no backup coming to save them. Because the form that backup might take - parents and police - wasn’t going to help. Best case, they’d be banned from their friends and online support groups for being queer. Worst case, they’d be jailed and put in juvie and conversion therapy and turn to drugs and become evil Satanists just like everyone says they secretly are already. So they learned very quickly to take care of themselves. Nobody was going to save them, so they learned to not need saving.

And then, well, Web 2.0 shifted to Web 3.0. Livejournal died because parents - the Warriors for Innocence was the big name - went “gasp how horrible my children are being exposed to the evil pedos and homosexuals they’re going to do drugs and die of AIDS!”. Which is uh. It’s filled with a lot of bigotry, and I’m not excusing them - absolutely I am not - but you can kind of see where they’re coming from, if you tilt your head and squint.

Either way, LJ died, tumblr took its place, Facebook was fast taking off, and the fandom folks who had seen mailing lists go inactive, web admins take their fanfic sites down due to copyright, entire fandoms burnt to the ground in flame wars, said ‘fuck that we’re making our own place’ and that’s how AO3 got made.

That’s important. A lot of folks move to AO3, because well, the rules let them. The rules say ‘you can throw literally anything up here so long as it’s fan content and is not literally illegal, so we don’t get taken down’. It’s a swing for the first generation internet users, those kids who know this place is a wilderness and are carving out our own sanctuary.

But. The children under us. The children for whom AIDS is a nightmarish fairy tale, for whom the ghost stories are conversion therapy, for whom know they can’t really talk to their parents about being queer but can trust they probably won’t get kicked out over it. The children who haven’t spent ten seconds without supervision except online, and their reaction isn’t ‘oh thank god I’m finally free to express myself’ but ‘if I get in trouble, who will protect me?’.

And there’s nobody there. Because we went in knowing there was no backup. And that was fine. But now, the actual adults have figured out that hey uh, maybe we should make cyber laws? Maybe we should make revenge porn and grooming children over the internet crimes? And they grew up with that. They grew up learning that no, even if your parents are suffocating and controlling, they’re always be there for you! Some adult will always be there to protect you!

That isn’t the case. It’s not. But they expect it, because it’s always been done for them. They don’t really want to change the status quo, because that means doing it themselves. They can’t do that, because they don’t know how, they’ve been controlled for every single part of their lives thanks to helicopter parenting and without that control, they don’t know how to keep their lives together, and they demand someone come and control it for them, without restraining them.

Effectively, they want someone to ensure they never face the consequences of their actions. Helicopter parents will rescue you from whatever you did, because you’re their precious baby and it doesn’t matter if you punched a kid, you can do no wrong and the other kid clearly started it.

But being queer is doing wrong. Being queer is something Jeezus doesn’t approve of. So they want to make it something he could approve of! But if it’s too off what they consider to be okay, if it’s too different and weird and wrong and evil, that can’t do, that’s still bad, and they’re precious angels, and children, and minors, why are we the adults not protecting them and letting them see it? Why aren’t we being just like their parents  but queer-friendly, why aren’t we protecting the children?

The adults who taught us were the children of those who died as a result of AIDS. The eldest of my generation knew some of them personally. My therapist’s younger brother died at 20 of AIDS, and she told me what it was like. But they don’t have that. These kids of web 3.0, they don’t have that. What they have is over-controlling parents, and the expectation that someone will always be there to protect them but hopefully in ways that don’t hurt them this time, no real understanding of why Category A queer elders are the way they are, and so much internalized shame that they have to do some pretty fancy logic-leaping to keep them from collapsing entirely.

They can’t turn into Category A queer youngsters, because they don’t know how to unravel the system around them, because they’ve never had to actually make choices in their lives and live with the consequences, because they don’t have the example of how to do it. They can’t unravel their internalized shame because again, that’s hard and they don’t have their parents to take away the consequences and pain. It doesn’t come easy to them, so it may as well not come at all.

But, you ask, if Category A queer elders aren’t around to teach the kids, then how are they learning anything positive at all? Well, Category B, our university-tenured TERFs, who don’t want to change the status quo but want to just be at the top of it instead.

For a lot of kids who don’t know how to make hard choices but want to be queer, this is an extremely attractive option. But when they go online to queer spaces, a lot of them say fuck terfs, we don’t support your hate, and they go ‘yeah okay that makes sense’. They can say fuck terfs without ever actually questioning why terfs are bad. They’re Bad and Evil, just like drug addicts, just like fairytale nazis, just like the evil homophobes.

And we saw them say ‘yeah fuck terfs’ and we were like, ‘aight you got it’ and we never questioned if they actually understood us. They didn’t. They didn’t, and we didn’t do enough to fix it, because not enough of us realized the problem. So terfs got a little sneaky. They hid behind dogwhistles and easy little comments, hiding their rhetoric in queer theory that you’ll absolutely miss if you just memorize it and never actually question it and understand why that point is being made.

This goes back to America sucking, because their school system is far more focused on rote memorization over actual logic and understanding of the text. They’re engaging with queer theory the way they’ve been taught, which is memorize and don’t think, don’t question. Besides, questioning and understanding is hard. Being shown different points of view and asked what they think is not only hard but requires them to go against all of the conditioning that says to just listen and agree and never question it, which goes back to tearing the system and internalized shame down, and we’ve established they can’t do that so naturally they don’t do that.

This begets, then, the rise of exclusionary politics. They’re turning into Category B queer youngsters, because we told them ‘hey that’s a terf talking point what are you doing’ and they never questioned why. They learned you can do all sorts of things, just don’t say X, Y, or Z, because they never thought deeply about it.

The children who have grown on Web 3.0 do not want to do any heavy lifting to make things easier for themselves long-run. They want to do as little as possible and have things get better for them. There isn’t enough of us left in Category A, because Category B terfs are very good at recruiting young folks and Cat. A is overwhelming poor, dead, and easily dismissed in the system as evil and bad, so we can’t exactly convince the young folks to listen. If all of the young kids could agree to tear down the system, a lot more older folks might listen. Change always starts with the young, and there’s a reason for that.

But Republicans have figured out, if you get people fighting, they never put together a force that can actually stop you. TERFs, who want the exact same thing as Republicans but with themselves on top, are doing this to queer youth, and Cat. A elders can’t fight back because there isn’t enough of them and the odds are against them, and the young folk like me who follow their lead.

People can kinda handle gay people. It’s not so far from the acceptable normal that it’s impassable. But you want them to handle kinky people? Gay people of colour? Kinky gay people of colour? Trans people? Those are bridges too far to step across. The original idea was to get the foot in the door with marriage equality and inch our way through with racial equality, sex positivity, dismantling ableism and perisexism (forgive me if that isn’t the word for anti-intersex ‘ism), and see if we can’t patch up the system instead of inciting a civil war over this and have to tear down the system entirely.

Well, we might’ve managed that if not for AIDS being the perfect ‘Jeezus is killing all the evil gay people for being sinners’ propaganda machine. As it stands now, not a chance in hell. So long as Republicans and terfs keep everyone fighting, nobody has the power to dismantle their empire, and they stay in power.

So then, you ask me, “Lu what the fuck does that have to do with the decline of otherkinity on tumblr???” and now that you’ve got all that background knowledge, here is your answer.

Those children who want their experiences curated for them and the evil icky content they don’t like to be gone because it disgusts them and anything that disgusts them is clearly sinful problematic and should be destroyed, are what we call ‘antishippers’, or anti for short.

They like being progressive. Sort of. They learned what Republicans and terfs have honed to a fine talent: keep people fighting, hold them to a bar they have to constantly make or risk being ostracized, and harass the people who don’t play along into getting out of your sight forever. Sound familiar?

They learned of otherkinity, and particularly fictionkind, because web 3.0 means if something goes viral on one site, it doesn’t just go viral on that site, it makes it to worldwide newspapers and twitter and nobody ever, ever fucking forgets it. They realized the following: “Hey wait, if I’m this character for realsies, not only does it help me deal with the internalized shame I’ve done nothing to actually fix because that takes work, I can also tell these people who draw gross content I don’t like they’re hurting me personally, and that actually sounds credible, and I can shame them into stopping”.

If this is your first time here and that sounds sickening, it damn well should, and I am so, so sorry that any of us had to witness this, and I am more sorry I and everyone else who personally witnessed this didn’t realize what was going on and put a stop to it. I answer asks and browse the tags and clear up misinformation and it isn’t just a genuine desire to help. It’s damage control, and my own way of trying to deal with the guilt of not stopping this. I’m well aware I couldn’t have seen it coming, I was a teenager myself still learning and no one person has that much power. I still feel like I should have done more, and I’ll do what I can to fix what’s within my power to fix.

So back to the story. This all culminates around 2016 or so. Trump wins the election, and every queer person ever knows they’re fucked, and the younger generation’s only ever heard horror stories, never seen actual oppression that this could bring. We’re all scared. We all don’t know what to do. Nobody has any answers or any control over the situation.

So they lash out. They attack others for drawing things they don’t like, for challenging them in literally any way, for asking them to reconsider the vile shit they just said, for so much as defending themselves from the harassment they just got. And when challenged, they yell “But I’m a minor! A literal child! How dare you attack me, clearly you get off on this, you evil pedophile!” and they sling around every insult in the book until one sticks. Pedophile is a pretty good one, so is abuser, and sometimes zoophile works out too. Freak is great, everyone gets right pissed off about it.

The fact that Category A queer elders were called pedophiles and freaks is not a fact they know or care about. The fact that they are quickly making every fandom community super toxic is also not a fact they care about. The fact that the ‘kin community has words and terminology and they actually mean shit, and the fact that they’re spreading misinformation faster than we can keep up with, are not facts they care about.

So they come in, take our terms, make it impossible for us to find new folks. They realize our anger is easily a power trip, because we’re already made fun of, so they get off on the little power they can find and make fun of us too, and then when we get rightfully annoyed and pissed off, they can hide behind being minors.

Then tumblr implements their porn ban, because nobody’s stopping them, because it isn’t profitable to have porn on here. Considering most of the otherkin community, and most fandom communities, are full of adults who do occasionally talk about NSFW things, and the fact that they’re just banning everyone who so much as breathes wrong, this begins the start of a mass exodus, scattering already fragile communities to twitter, pillowfort, dreamwidth, and a few other places. Largely, twitter, where you can’t make a post longer than a snappy comeback and where the algorithm is literally designed to piss you off as much as possible.

So community elders have largely left, because they can’t stand the drama and the pain of what’s happened, and that’s if they didn’t get banned for being kinky furries who do talk about how their kintypes merge with their sexuality. Most community members have also left or stopped talking about being ‘kin, because they get associated with antishippers and toxicity and it’s just not worth it. Those of us who are left get drowned out by misinformation and trolls and wishkin and antishippers who appropriate our terminology because it supports them getting a power trip, and whenever we argue, we get called pedophiles and freaks and worse.

And now there isn’t much left. I hope we get to find a better place. Othercon was a good place to talk about it, I did a whole panel (it’s on Youtube!) about what we want to do about it. But I don’t really have any answers. 

But to sum it all up... America’s political climate ultimately culminated in destroying queer spaces, and we survived, and then people who wanted to destroy smaller communities to get on top showed up and we were all but defenseless against something we had never, ever dealt with before on this scale.

One of my twitter mutuals mentioned how kinning and otherkin are now completely separate communities. It’s really the best I can do to keep hoping that continues, until nobody realizes the words are at all connected to each other. It’s the best anyone can hope for, now. I hate it. I hate every part of this. But maybe we can salvage what’s left.

[bbugyu]

how seokmin knew

a journey with yoon jeonghan, lee seokmin, and you.

from the second seokmin first saw you, he thought you were far too good to be true, and he hadn't even gotten to learn the best parts of you yet.

prelude | part one | part two | part three | epilogue

wc.8888 | fluff, smut, courtship, oh jeez where do i even begin, the beginning i guess, polyamory, fem reader, musician!seokmin sugar daddy!jeonghan escort!reader, threesome, fingering, oral (everyone receiving), creampie, cumpla (like gunpla but with cum), (sorry), (but seriously lots of cumplay), overstim, switch!seok dom!han switch!reader, phone sex, snuck in a babygirl, hell yeah fighting for dominance, let's talk BOUNDARIES, hi mingyu, sorry but seokmin being a special guest is hot as hell, the required listening for the last scene is the album "new edition (1984)" by new edition (which is a real lp i own and listened to while writing it)

hELLOO!! welcome to my poly seokhan au! i have been neck deep in this universe for weeks now and i am finally releasing it in three parts! i will be posting today (obvi), tomorrow, and friday at noon pst, plus a little bonus epilogue whenever i finish it! today is all about seokmin and how he fell in love. i really poured a lot of myself into this one, between the poly reader and the obsession with architecture and the record collection (three fun facts about me, but you get no more context), so if you like it, please let me know! i did my best to portray the relationship as realistic and as healthy as possible❣️ also this series lowkey became a “how many cameos can i naturally squeeze in” kinda piece so if you spot one u should absolutely let me know hehe. and i edited my masterlist to accommodate for serial aus, let me know what you think!

please read the prelude linked in the contents of this post! it gives important context for the beginning of this part, establishes relationships, and sets the general mood 😏

~

seokmin lived a fairly simple life. he held private piano and guitar lessons in the comfort of his apartment, vaulted ceilings and tall windows helping to bring a bright, airy, studio environment during the day that he felt suited musical lessons perfectly - not the mention the lovely acoustics the tall room provided when he sang, belting out improv musical theater riffs as he scrambled eggs for a sandwich. he genuinely found joy and pride in helping adults and children alike train their hands to achieve new heights. he also did some contract vocal lessons at an entertainment company, stopping by the studio two or three times a week to train young new hopefuls in the music industry. he wondered how different his life would have been if he had taken their path, but he enjoyed the quiet downtime in his line of work, and wouldn't trade it for anything

his simple life. he drank tea in the mornings as the sun rose over the skyline, rode the subway with his guitar bag over his shoulder and his groceries in two overstuffed ecobags, and enjoyed his days off by relaxing in his home, scribbling down lyrics and compositions on the legal pad that never left the music shelf of his upright piano. the less simple part of his life could be described simply as you.

the second time he had been summoned to accompany you, he had been at home, heating up leftover takeout and mindlessly watching some drama on a saturday evening after having gotten lunch and playfully wasting the afternoon with a friend, when he received a phone call. he answered it without giving too much thought, expecting an invite for drinks, as was usually the case when he heard from jeonghan. he put it on speaker and set his phone on his kitchen counter, leaning against it as he ate.

"hello?"

"minnie!" he had said, the smile obvious in his voice. seokmin responded with a short greeting before jeonghan continued. "are you busy tonight?"

"just watching tv," seokmin said, spoonful of fried rice in his mouth. "why? you feeling lonely?"

"something like that," jeonghan said. the architect must have been in the car, he thought briefly, hearing the static noise of wheels on pavement in the background every time he spoke. "listen, you remember y/n, yeah?"

he nearly choked. "uh, yeah. of course. did you think i would forget?"

"not really," he said matter of factly. "we're currently heading home after that exhibit opening and she's been asking about you all day. any chance you can get to my place in half an hour?"

seokmin blinked, staring at nothing as he processed. "tonight?"

a laugh. "yeah, tonight. she's been really sweet lately, i thought you could be her treat."

her treat. "right now?"

"yes," jeonghan laughed again. "right now. if it helps the decision making process, i've had my hand between her legs this whole time and she gets needier every time you talk."

seokmin swallowed harshly, imagining you squirming in the passenger seat of the car, huffing and desperate, begging for him with jeonghan's fingers curled into you. he adjusted against the counter, his pants suddenly feeling slightly tighter. "i'll get a cab."

then he heard you, your signature whiny moan as jeonghan no doubt worked you into a mess despite his even tone as he spoke. "y'hear that, sweetheart? he said yes. i'll pay for the cab when we get there. see you soon?"

"yeah," he said, eyes still unfocused. "yeah, see you soon."

after jeonghan asked you to be an angel and hang up for him, seokmin stood and looked around at his leftover fried rice and the drama that continued playing, remnants of his simple life that he found plenty enjoyable and fulfilling on its own, but fell to the shadows as you came into the light.

the cab ride felt too fast, and jeonghan's car pulled into the driveway of his luxurious home only minutes after seokmin arrived. he emerged from the door of the cab and stood in the late november air as the other car parked, the passenger door swinging open in a hurry.

"seokmin!" you squealed, heels clicking against the drive as you ran up to him in a shoulderless, long sleeved jewel toned dress that was not at all suited for the current temperature. your arms wrapped around his neck and he laughed into the hug. "i missed you."

"it's practically snowing," he chided, pulling away to wrap his coat around you, and you happily fell into his chest. he didn't stop you when you pulled his face to yours, kissing him briefly but deeply. you tasted familiar, memories of eating you out entering his mind as he thought about how jeonghan had likely made you clean his hand in the car, and despite your forwardness and his generally shy nature, it wasn't the winter air that sent chills up your spine when he muttered "i missed you, too," against your lips.

"okay, kids, get inside while i pay the nice driver," jeonghan said, holding out your coat to seokmin. he took it, draping it over your bare shoulders. you grinned at him, working your fingers between his and leading him towards a side entrance of the home.

he felt a flash of embarrassment, wondering what the cab driver must have thought about the interaction he was witnessing, but seokmin figured that he had probably seen much stranger and decided to not worry about it, especially when you were regaling the events of the evening.

"they were playing classical," you groaned, punching in the door code with the hand that wasn't fiddling with his fingers. "from a cd. at a modern art exhibit. what part of that makes sense?"

seokmin laughed. "is that why you were thinking about me?"

you smiled as he followed you through the doorway, revealing a grand kitchen with a large island countertop. he had been here before, but on halloween, when it was full of life and the counter was covered in food. "jeonghan may have let me watch some videos," you said, and seokmin felt heat rising on his neck as he thought of you asking to learn more about him in his absence. you stepped out of your heels and walked towards the large fridge as you spoke, retrieving a water bottle. "that jazz piano number you did, jeonghan said it was at a bar? that would have been so much better, especially considering the artist's vision. his stuff was so full of life, i'm honestly surprised he allowed them to do anything other than live jazz - classical was too stuffy."

"it was a commentary," jeonghan reminded you, closing the door behind him as you offered a bottle to seokmin. "juxtaposition of traditional museum atmosphere with outlandish architecture and colorful, emotional art pieces," he said, sounding rehearsed. "the music was supposed to feel stuffy compared to the visuals."

"you guys worked too hard to settle for that," you shot back. you may have held a little resentment for the fact that jeonghan hadn't even asked for your opinion on the matter, considering you were less than a year away from a degree in musical theory. "if i hear clair de lune at one of these unveilings one more time, i'm gonna tear my fucking hair out."

seokmin laughed, but jeonghan only gave you a tired chuckle, and only after you quirked an eyebrow at him. he should have known you were only acting impressed at the exhibit because you wanted seokmin around. jeonghan could be cruel, but not so cruel as to invite a friend over to make his lady's night, only to deny everyone the pleasure after he already arrived, and this was a fact about him you were completely aware of. now was your chance to act out with little to no sacrifice - the most he would do is punish you in bed, and that, you were willing to handle.

jeonghan tsked when he saw your laptop and schoolwork spread across the kitchen island. "didn't i ask you to not do this?"

you eyed the counter, noting the teasing tone he took. "not do what?"

"leave your shit in the kitchen. you have a whole room to do schoolwork in, make a mess in there," he scolded, clicking his tongue as he flipped a textbook shut.

"i work better in bright, open spaces," you said quickly. 

"i gave you a window to the sunroom."

"and i love it," you stated obviously. "and the desk you chose is nice, and the chair is super comfy, but it's still too dark in that room. it makes me want to fall asleep." you turned to the musician. "how have you been, seokmin? i haven't seen you in weeks, and jeonghan purposefully keeps secrets when you guys go out."

seokmin said close to nothing of substance as he said he was doing well and leaned against the kitchen island, focusing more on the way you shrugged the fuzzy coat off your shoulders and setting it in the counter to tuck your arms into his, wrapping them around his torso and resting your chin on his shoulder to give the man of the house a flirtatious look. jeonghan simply rolled his eyes at you with a faint smile on his face, taking off his own outer coat and going to hang it in a closet. you hummed as seokmin spoke about anything he could think of, smiling when you felt his gentle, hesitant fingers rubbing circles into the small of your back.

and that night, seokmin was perhaps too eager to secede control, allowing his friend to gently order the two of you to do whatever pleased him. currently, you were between his thighs as he laid out comfortably in jeonghan's bed, the architect fucking into you from behind as your voice went hoarse from sucking seokmin dry. his thick cock stretched your jaw to its breaking point, but your neediness for his cum on your tongue outweighed the soreness you knew you would feel the next day as you bobbed your head, your hands wrapped around what wouldn't fit. he choked, his fingers itching to reach out to you, but remembering jeonghan's firm words of no touching and gripping the sheets instead as he came into your mouth and you moaned around him. jeonghan had stopped you from swallowing completely, a hand around your throat as he pulled you against his chest, forcing your neck to crane around so he could share the treat. seokmin watched, hand involuntarily going to pump himself again despite the sensitivity, as his release dripped down both of your jaws between the feverish kisses. you whined, jeonghan continuing to thrust into you as he stole the gift seokmin gave you straight from your mouth, his fingers finding your clit, making your knees shake as he came in your pulsating cunt.

that was the first time in his life that seokmin had ever cum twice in one session, having been too turned on at the sight to even think about not having you ride his face, cum seeping out of your precious hole. too turned on by the way your fingers dug against his scalp and the way you tasted to even think about turning down jeonghan when he asked to touch him, groaning against your core as he slowly and teasingly jerked him off. too turned on by it all to even think about not cumming when he was told, fist clenching the now familiar sheets as you rolled off him, panting from the overstimulation. your face was wrecked, tearstained and flushed, as you collapsed into his side, wrapping your arms around his torso and burying your hot face in his neck, his own face not much better. jeonghan proudly announced he was off to take a shower, sucking a line of cum off his thumb before saying that you lovebirds were welcome to stay as long as you would like, fully expecting you two to continue without him as he walked to the bathroom. 

seokmin felt shy, for some reason, despite having just having taken a shower with you, and just before, having had sex with you both. you had asked him if he wanted sweats or a shirt to sleep in, saying jeonghan wouldn't mind if he borrowed some. he turned you down, but watched you tug a far too large shirt over your otherwise bare form, and let you lead him back to bed.

"it's a custom mattress," you told him, giggling as you pulled him onto the oversized bed, kneeing yourself to the center and plopping down next to where jeonghan was wasting time on his phone. you planted a kiss on his cheek and he looked up to smile at you before you turned back to seokmin. he noticed the duvet changed, and he wondered if jeonghan had swapped it out after the mess they had made on it. you maneuvered yourself under the covers, gesturing for him to join you. "c'mon," you said. "we cuddle here."

seokmin had never even considered the idea of spending the night in bed with two other people, but found it surprisingly comfortable for it being his first time.

he did a lot of firsts with you, as it turned out.

you started to text him when you were alone and bored, which was something you and jeonghan had discussed with the strict understanding that you would have open and honest talks about it frequently, and that you would let him know any time you reached out to the musician. the first time he ever had phone sex, seokmin was busy at the company he did contract work for, and he had even told you so after the first suggestive text you sent him, but that didn't stop you from sending him increasingly dirty ideas and photos, making him silence his phone and shove it in his back pocket as he tried to focus on his students. when he finally slipped away to a private bathroom, he groaned at the way you looked, laid out on a plush couch and squeezing at your own breasts, with your back arching just so, and he quickly called you to ask if you were trying to get him fired.

"maybe if you get fired, you can come work with me," you whined, fingers already teasing your slick folds just at the low tone in seokmin's voice. his mind whirring as you gasped suddenly, revealing that you had already started. "jeonghan's been too busy for me this week, please don't tell me you are, too."

seokmin's eyes squeezed shut, back hitting the bathroom wall as he pulled himself out of his pants, trying not to drop his phone from his ear as he imagined how absolutely delightful you must look in that moment. "i'm never too busy for you, baby."

jeonghan took him out to dinner. it was normal, mostly, and not the first time since seokmin had seen his dick, but he noticed the older was acting slightly different as seokmin turned the meat on the grill.

"about y/n," he said finally, and seokmin fumbled with a chunk of pork before clearing his throat.

"yeah?"

jeonghan smiled. "she hasn't said it yet, but i think she really likes you."

that made seokmin freeze, suddenly thinking about how he was at dinner with his undefined sext buddy's long term partner. "really?" he squeaked out.

"listen, i want you to know," he said, picking off some cooked meat and chewing it casually. "whatever happens between you two, i'm okay with it. she promised to keep me in the loop, and i trust her."

seokmin nodded, putting down the tongs and grabbing his chopsticks, continuing to avoid eye contact. "okay."

jeonghan laughed. "stop acting like i'm her dad. you and i are in the same relationship with her at this point."

he swallowed, a smile creeping across his face. "well, she does call you daddy."

the next time he saw you, you came to him, appearing at his apartment one early tuesday evening as his last client was leaving. he greeted you casually, but still snuck a quick kiss on your lips as he let you in, his student packing up their guitar. he took your winter coat and told you to make yourself comfortable as they finished up, telling you where the restroom was if you needed it, but in a tone that made you think he was saying it more to announce to his student that you had never been there before than for your comfort, which pulled a quiet giggle from you as he quickly organized his loose leaf sheet music into their designated folders. you watched him from the piano bench as he made short conversation with his student, accepted a check, and bid the aspiring guitarist farewell, closing the door behind them. when you were finally alone, seokmin blushed at the realization that you had been smiling at him the entire time, thinking about how his client must have thought their teacher had gotten himself a cute girlfriend.

you were less forward this time. less needy. you flirted, but not in the outright ways you had every other time seokmin saw you. you stood and joined him by a bookshelf as he put away materials, asking him about his day (quite lovely, especially with this to look forward to), what he had eaten for lunch (he'd gotten ox tail soup delivered as a celebratory meal for a student that just had their first solo piano recital that weekend), and how he managed to command authority in all his students when he always looked so darn cute (he had pitched his eyebrows at you and went "yah," but was unable to keep a straight face long enough to argue with you). you smiled, taking a baseball off the bookshelf and turning it over in your hands, and asked why he invited you over. he cleared his throat, saying he thought it'd be nice to take you out on a proper date, but faltered when your shining eyes caught his.

"a proper date?" you asked, smiling slyly.

"i- uh, yeah, i mean-" he cleared his throat, hand finding the edge of a table as he tried to figure out what he was trying to say. "people generally treat you in exchange for your company, right?"

"generally," you agreed, focusing on his standup piano on the far wall as you thought. "i don't want you to, though."

“i didn’t mean-” he stretched his jaw - a nervous habit that you had begun to notice - as he readjusted his approach, not wanting to imply that he wanted your exchange to be purely transactional. "i just wanna take you out. for real."

you gave him a small smile, knowing what was the case despite your teasing. "okay. it's a date."

to change the subject from one that seokmin clearly didn't know how to continue - and besides, you weren't hungry enough for dinner yet - you returned the baseball to it's display and asked him how he taught his lessons. he laughed, not because your question was funny, but because he didn't know how to answer it in a way that didn't sound like a pitch to a potential client.

"then teach me like a client," you demanded playfully, skipping to sit at the piano bench and turning to grin at him.

seokmin took a moment to look at you, with a knit sweater tucked in the front of a pair of loose jeans - a far cry from the tight fitting, short dresses he normally saw you in - sat in his apartment as the last remnants of sunrays dipped behind the skyline. "you know how to play," he said finally, but walking over to join you anyways.

"teach me like i don't," you said as he sat beside you, scooting over slightly to accommodate. "i'm very good at acting incompetent."

he laughed again. "normally, people pay me for this kind of time, but i'll give you an intro. we'll start with hand placement," he said, gently putting his hands on the keys. "starting position is important, even though you'll be moving around the keys a lot when you actually play. your thumb," he said, wiggling his right thumb and smiling when you giggled. "it starts on c. that's your root."

"oh, right," you vocalised, placing your right hand similarly an octave up from his. "music has a bunch of letters, huh?"

"only the seven," he joked, pulling his hands off the keys as you comfortably set your fingers where they belonged, a motion you clearly made often. "wow, are you sure you're a beginner? you picked that up fast."

you knocked him with your shoulder, giggling. "quick, what do i do next?"

he smiled. "try pressing the keys in order. c to g, thumb to pinky. be firm, this isn't an electric keyboard. it can sense fear."

you sucked on your cheek, smiling at the way seokmin explained things as you played, but used your pinky to strike the black key instead of g, giggling at the flat note. "oh, that sounded wrong. this piano must be out of tune."

"stop," seokmin said teasingly. "beginners don't have that kind of pinky dexterity, by the way."

"maybe i'm a prodigy," you said, grabbing his sleeve with both hands excitedly. "you have to teach me, mr. lee! you're the only one that can help me hone my gift."

"stop it," he repeated, laughing, giving you a fake glare. he put his hands back on the keys. "lesson over."

you pouted, but it was short-lived as he began to play. you watched his hands effortlessly move over each other as you listened to the gentle flowing melody. despite being classically trained yourself, back when you were young and your parents felt you needed the discipline of regular lessons, you found yourself being impressed by his deft finger movements. your eyes shut, and you let your temple fall to his shoulder as you listened.

"yiruma," you said when he stopped playing despite the song not being over.

his arm went over your head, allowing you to lean into his chest as he planted his hand on the bench behind you, your eyes still shut. "you know your stuff."

"it's one of my favorites." you smiled, eyes fluttering open again. "you play well."

your breath stopped in your throat when you realized how close his face was to yours. "have to. people pay me to teach their kids."

"jeonghan pays me to be nice to him, doesn't mean i'm good at it."

seokmin couldn't help but laugh. "how did that even start, by the way? he would never tell me when i asked."

you sighed, straightening your posture. "i suppose you should know, considering this is becoming a regular thing."

"you don't have to if you don't want to," he assured quietly. you smiled at the thoughtfulness. "i'm just curious, is all."

"i don't mind," you said, shaking your head gently at him. you inhaled, organizing your thoughts - this wasn't a subject you explained very often. "i had a scholarship for the first two years of uni, but i would have to pay tuition afterwards, so i decided to become a paid escort to save for it." you paused to study seokmin's reaction, but for the first time from someone other than jeonghan, you found no creased brow, no vague frown. no judgement. "men would hire me through a broker to accompany them to dinner, go to parties, the general stuff. i even played golf a couple times - terribly, obviously, but rich men really enjoy teaching young pretty women how to play golf. i always got a cab ride home at the end of the night, though. never did anything more. jeonghan was one of my clients."

seokmin nodded. "how long did you do that for?"

despite how you would normally take that question, you knew he meant no shame in asking. "ten-ish months? jeonghan was only for the last month or so, though."

"before he asked you to quit?"

you laughed lightly. "actually, someone else asked me to quit. this guy that had been hiring me regularly for almost my entire career. he wanted me to date him properly. i think he wanted a trophy wife. he was young, like, only a few years older than me, and he was nice, y'know? a little awkward in the beginning, but paying someone to go out with you is always a little awkward, and we got comfortable with each other pretty fast. he wanted to take the next step with me, but he wanted the end goal to be marriage."

seokmin adjusted as he thought. "but you said no?"

"i said yes." his wide eyes made you laugh, but you understood his shock. "i was ready to quit anyways, i guess?" you shrugged, shaking your head. "i wanted to go on real dates instead of getting paid to eat with men my parents' age. yukwon felt realistic to me. someone i could see myself with." you sighed. "i went out with jeonghan during my last week of escorting. when i told him i was quitting, he asked me to choose him instead."

he watched you when you paused, pursing your lips. "and then you said no?"

you giggled, bumping against his chest as he laughed with you. "i tried! but jesus, when that guy gets an idea." you shook your head again. "he asked how much yukwon was paying me - which he wasn't, by the way. we were going to do it for real, even though he was still gonna support me financially and pay for my schooling. i was gonna sign a prenup and everything - but jeonghan kept saying he would double it. said i didn't have to marry him, and that he just wanted to keep spending time with me, and if i wanted to call it quits later, i could. no pressure, no sex, no commitment… he gave me a choice, and i realized i didn't love yukwon. i thought i could, but i didn't."

"so he saved you?"

"from a lifetime of settling? i guess so. he's funnier, too," you admitted sheepishly. "i always had the most fun on nights i was with jeonghan."

seokmin smiled. "he is good at lightening the mood."

"and," you said, eyes wide. "he didn't even want us to be exclusive, said i could keep escorting or go on dates with other guys if i wanted, as long as i promised to make time for him when he wanted me. it was kind of the perfect arrangement."

seokmin nodded again. "was, being the operative word?"

you laughed, remembering how well he knew jeonghan. "lasted less than a month. we spent too much time together, and i quickly realized that every time i went out with someone else, i wished i was with him. to be honest, when i met you, i thought this would be a one time thing, so i may have tried to make it seem a little less involved than it is." you sighed. "we never really defined what we were. i think we've both always known that he was more than a sugar daddy to me, but he does basically pay me so that i can keep my schedule open for him, so i guess it's easier to tell people that? instead of everyone assuming i'm some gold digger taking advantage of his money?" you shrugged. "i do love the guy. i'm about 94% sure he loves me, too."

that made him laugh. "how long have you been together?" he asked, trying to figure out the timeline in his head. he had known about jeonghan's relationship with you for quite some time, though not the exact nature of it, or that you were so fantastic, for the mass majority.

"about a year. right before halloween, actually," you said, smiling as you leaned into him. "you were technically an anniversary gift."

his lip quirked upwards, watching you. "was it a good gift?"

"the best," you whispered, placing a slow kiss on his lips. your hand went to his sharp jaw, and you sighed against him as the kiss deepened, suddenly feeling needier than you had previously.

"does he know you're here?" seokmin asked quietly, mind flashing back to when him and jeonghan had gotten dinner together. "like this, i mean."

you nodded slowly, a hand on the bench to steady you as you leaned into him further. "he's in japan this week, told me i could see you as often as i want. just asked that i call him when i can, we spoke this afternoon."

"promise?"

you giggled. "you act like i would risk it. i like you too much, and you know he would make us both regret it if i was seeing you behind his back."

he examined your face, a smile on his lips, knowing it wasn't the part of the statement that he was meant to focus on but unable to think of anything else. "i like you, too."

so he kissed you, sitting on the piano bench in his loft apartment, and despite it being nowhere near the first time, something about it felt special. new. different.

later, though much sooner than later would imply, when the two of you were unable to stop yourselves from undressing each other, he had you seated firmly in his lap on the couch in his living room. the way he filled you out made you incapable of doing much outside of digging your hands in his hair as he rolled his hips up into yours, rambling about how perfect you were. how well you took him. how he had never seen anything as breathtaking as the way your brows stitched together and your mouth hung open as he fucked you. you huffed, twisting your hips slightly, triggering a groan from you both.

"so beautiful," he muttered, hands on your bare hips, rubbing circles into the soft flesh above the bone. "fuck, you're incredible."

"shit, seokmin," you exhaled, forehead falling on his. you knew he wasn't even using all his length, but he was thrusting deep enough into you to make you see stars. "god, i'm close."

you watched his tongue dart out to wet his lips as he focused on you, pulling himself off the couch and sitting up straight as his hips steadily rolled into yours. "come on, babygirl. you know i love the way you feel."

you cursed, arms winding around his neck as you pressed your chest against his, desperately kissing him as you felt yourself falling over the sweet edge. he groaned when you squeezed at him, arms wrapped around your waist, fingers gripping any amount of you he could as he worked you through your bliss. he only slowed to gently put your back to the couch, your legs wrapped around his waist as he curled over you, arms under your body to pull you into his chest, and a hand at the base of your neck to hold you steady as he firmly fucked you into the cushion.

"fuck, baby, you're so good to me," he groaned, forehead pressed just under your jawline, his mouth latching onto your neck as soon as he managed the words. you were gasping for air, arms over his shoulders, wondering if seokmin always made love this deeply and genuinely, or if you were just special.

afterwards, he discarded the condom that he insisted on using (you asked what the point of you getting something shoved into your cervix was if you couldn't enjoy his particularly bountiful creampies with no consequence, but he said he was not getting cum on the couch his clients sit on), pulled his underwear back on, and returned to you quickly, kissing up your body after pulling your panties back over your hips. you ran your fingers through his messy hair, causing him to look up at you. he said sorry, a laugh on his lips, asking if you wanted to get food delivered instead of going out.

"that sounds perfect," you giggled. "don't apologize."

"i'll take you out for real this weekend, i promise," he said, sitting up and stretching out his shoulder. you watched, quietly admiring how gentle and soft he seemed, with surprisingly firm muscles hiding under his usual large sweaters and shirts. "and i'll pick you up so we don't get tempted. but for now, kimchi soup and bibimbap?"

you nodded excitedly, sitting up to wrap your arms around him and planting a kiss on his shoulder. "sounds delicious."

he tried not to get excited by your touch, thinking about how you had said this was becoming a regular thing, and therefore he didn't need to get as much of you as he could before you slipped through his fingers like he had the first few times you met. he couldn't help himself, though, when his eyes met yours and you smiled gently at him, and had no choice but to put an agonizingly slow kiss on your lips before he stood to announce he was changing into something comfortable if you were just going to stay in. you giggled and grabbed your sweater from where it got discarded, pulling it over your head as you told him there was no chance in hell you were putting jeans on again before the morning, and he smiled at the implication that you would be staying the night with him.

"i have lessons tomorrow," he reminded you softly as he gathered up his clothes and walked to the stairs. "if you'd like, you can stick around, but it'll be boring."

you hummed. "i don't have class, but i should do schoolwork," you mused, watching him walk up the steps to what you could assume was his lofted bedroom. "it's been lonely at the house, though."

"if you wanna bring your things here, you can," seokmin suggested, his voice projecting easily through the space. he pulled on a pair of shorts and a more casual shirt than the one he had been wearing for his work day. "it would give you something to do while i teach youths how to play chopsticks. do you stay at jeonghan's when he's not around, too?"

you laughed, thinking about your all but abandoned apartment as you meandered towards the stairs. "lately, yeah. i used to spend more nights at home than in his bed, but he gets really busy planning stuff in the winter and has less time to take me out." you stretched your back. "i think he likes knowing i'll be there when he gets home late. makes the day easier." 

seokmin nodded as he came back down, running a hand through his hair, thinking that he, too, would find his days easier if it meant going to bed with you every night. "that's very kind of you."

"it's selfish, i promise." he laughed. "if you saw how tiny my place is, you would choose jeonghan's too. besides, i get cold in bed alone."

he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into his chest. "is that why you're here?"

you giggled. "no, i'm here because you invited me over. but that might be a factor in why i'm staying," you teased, hugging him tightly.

the next day, you were sprawled on his bed, writing an accompanying essay for your composition project as he taught lessons down below, only emerging to refill your water glass and use the restroom as infrequently as possible, trying to not disturb his lessons. parents often accompanied the children, usually reading a book and listening to their child practice. a college friend of his stopped by, as he tried to do at least once a month, accompanying his niece, and seokmin recalled that he was the one that had given jeonghan his number again over a year ago, feeling like he should thank him but not knowing how.

"seokmin," you called down softly when you heard him chatting casually with his friend. you padded down the steps with your empty water glass, spotting the young girl at the kitchen table with a marker and a sheet of paper, smiling when you remembered her slightly clumsy, but surprisingly advanced keystrokes, considering her age.

"what's up?" seokmin asked, pushing off of the counter he was leaning against, and he ignored the quick, questioning nudge mingyu pushed into his side.

"hi, sorry," you said, waving lightly when you noticed the tall man beside him. "i was wondering - if you have time - if you could listen to my composition piece and tell me if you think it leans more romantic or more post-great war?"

seokmin nodded. "absolutely. do you need me now, or can it wait ten minutes?"

"it can wait," you assured, eyes darting between the two men. you lifted the glass in your hand. "i needed a break."

he smiled, taking your glass and moving to pull open the fridge. "this is mingyu, by the way. mingyu, y/n. he's an architect, also."

"also?" mingyu asked, eyeing you. seokmin stared at you, realizing what he said.

your brows ruffled as you studied the tall man's face, not recognizing it. "we must not be in the same social group. i'm a friend of jeonghan's."

he gave you silent thanks for keeping the relationship ambiguous. mingyu, however, nearly yelled. "yoon jeonghan?" he laughed. "you know, i didn't even see that guy at his own halloween party. you still keep in touch, i assume, seokmin?"

he nodded, putting your filled water glass on the counter beside you, and you wondered how you never saw mingyu at the party, either. "yeah, we hang out fairly often."

"he introduced us," you interjected. mingyu smiled between you two. "thought we'd match well, i guess."

"well, you just asked a music teacher to review your composition, so," mingyu laughed. "he was right?"

seokmin studied you with a crooked smile on his lips. "have you ever known yoon jeonghan to be wrong?"

you stayed another, more innocent night, but when seokmin woke the next morning, his face was pressed against the side of you neck, and you were pushing your ass back against his morning wood.

"fuck, good morning," seokmin groaned, hands gripping at your hips where they had already been aimlessly floating.

"oh, thank god you're awake," you panted out. you spun in his grasp, pushing his shoulder back on the bed and climbing atop him. "you must have been having a fantastic dream, because you would not stop touching me."

he couldn't help the whine in his throat, mostly from embarrassment. "i'm so sorry."

"don't be," you rushed out, peeling off your shirt. "i just need you now."

considering this was his third time seeing it, he didn't think he would be so awestruck still, but the snapshot of you, topless, seated on his lap with your hands on his chest was a view that seokmin would likely never get over, because it felt like he was the dorky, awkward protagonist and you were the long-shot love interest that was way too cool and way too hot for him in this cliché coming of age comedy.

you kissed him, and he pushed your hips down to grind against his lap, pulling a gasp from your lips. he took the opportunity to bring a hand to your neck, pulling you into open mouth kisses. you moaned without shame as you rolled your hips.

"you know what jeonghan told me?" you asked, pulling back to tug his underwear just far enough down to release the member you couldn't stop thinking about. 

you straddled his lap, hands on your thighs. seokmin pushed his bare cock against your core, the wet fabric sticking lightly to his length. "what, baby?"

"he told me he wanted you to plug me up," you breathed, biting your lip when seokmin used a thumb to pull aside your underwear and drag your wetness across his dick. you moaned. "he wanted you to fuck me senseless and tell him all about it."

seokmin groaned, neck stretching out. "i can do that."

"no, baby," you said, bringing his free hand to your face and putting a kiss in his palm before you lifted yourself up, his thumb still hooked on your panties as you rubbed the head of his cock through your folds. "i wanna fuck you."

you sunk down onto him, jaw dropping. he smiled lightly, running his hands down your thighs. "i'll let you if you can."

your toes clenched, and you tried to maintain face. "i can."

seokmin folded his arms under his head, trying to avoid the temptation of fucking up into your warmth. he sighed, breathing out a "go on, then."

you put your hands on his chest and bounced on him several times, biting at your lip at how wide he stretched you out, but taking too much pride in the way his eyes hung half lidded and his breathy groaning to stop. 

your hands went to his neck, leaning forward, lifting his head slightly off the pillow to kiss him, his hands falling from behind his head to hold yours, stopping you from pulling away. 

he moaned into your open mouth, and you backed up for only a second to blearily meet his eyes as he panted. "baby."

you nodded, stealing a few more messy kisses. "yes?"

he groaned again, your hips twisting over his. "you're like a dream."

you could feel the heat radiating off your neck and cheeks, but you just pushed on his chest to sit upright, hands landing on his thighs. you moaned again, unapologetically, as you rotated your hips over his, and he bucked into you at the angle change. "if this is the dream, please don't wake up."

seokmin had a sneaking suspicion that he was in love with you, or at the very least falling towards it. the confirmation of this fact threw itself in his face, not when you proved that you could fuck him, sitting deeply on him to push his cum further in, or when you squealed and giggled as he threw your back onto the bed so that he could pull your underwear off proper and bury his tongue in your heat, but afterwards, when he wandered into the kitchen after using the restroom and found you wearing one of his shirts, waiting as his electric kettle bubbled to life, his favorite blue mug on the counter beside a white one - the white one, he realized, with the finger heart design that he had chosen for your coffee the day prior. and he told you so, rushing to explain himself and assure you that you didn’t have to say it back, but you just hushed him and smiled, saying that you loved him too.

seokmin had to go to the entertainment company that afternoon. you walked with him to the station near his apartment and he sat you in a cab, a kiss on your lips, before he hurried down to catch his ride to work. he breathed heavily when he could finally lean against a wall in the train, having to run to catch it before the doors closed.

seokmin❣️: almost didn't make the train 🙃

you: but you did!!! proud of you 👍

seokmin❣️: thanks 🥴💕

you were both smiling after that.

he took you out to eat that weekend, as promised, and you had honestly forgotten what it was like to date people that weren't jeonghan. you liked riding the subway with him (you couldn't even remember the last time you took it), and you thought it was cute that he let you stand against a wall to keep easy balance as he stood in front of you. you were slightly impressed that he barely rocked with the movement, only grabbing an overhead loop when the train was pulling into a station.

"wait, you're especially pretty right now," he said suddenly, leaning forward to inspect your eyes.

your head hit the wall gently in reaction, flushing at his comment, wanting to bury your face in your scarf. "thank you."

he gave you his signature crooked smile. "of course."

it was cold out, but seokmin wrapped his hand over yours, shoving the whole ordeal into his coat pocket as he walked you down the street towards the restaurant he had picked. you giggled, squeezing his hand in his pocket, but he just continued telling you about which of the trainees he was working with seemed like they would debut.

"jiyoon composes, too! i'm really impressed with her actually," he said, trailing off when he saw the sign for the restaurant. "ah, here it is."

you thanked him when he held the door open for you, and you were immediately struck with the smell of tomato, cheese, and bread.

"i haven't had pizza in ages," you said excitedly, following him to a table.

"don't tell me," seokmin said, helping you take off your jacket and hanging it on a hook at the end of the booth. "you guys don't order pizza?"

you shook your head, sliding into the booth comfortably. "not often. jeonghan likes asian food."

seokmin froze as he was pulling off his jacket to stare at you. "what about you?"

"i like eating."

he laughed. "well, i like pizza."

after dinner, you insisted he come back to the house with you. he said he didn't know, thinking that you would probably need your energy for when jeonghan got home the next day. you pouted, knitting your fingers with his as the two of you stood on the sidewalk outside the pizza place.

"but i really wanna show you my record collection," you said, batting your eyelashes at him.

that was all it took.

you discovered that there was a bus stop near jeonghan's home, and while you would likely never take a bus without seokmin, you thought it was a good nugget of information to tuck away as you marched through the front door of the estate you practically called home.

"welcome to yoon manor," you joked, spinning to smile at seokmin.

he looked around, and despite having been here before, it felt grander coming through the main entrance and without the distraction of party guests. he had seen it empty briefly, from a different angle, when you were pulling him up to your bed a few weeks prior, but he realized he hadn't actually been able to see much when you were the focus of his attention.

"the kitchen's that way, there's a bathroom," you said, pointing at the opening past the stairs as you pulled off your scarf. you folded it over your arm as you walked further into the home, seokmin following you closely. you walked past a partial wall, pointing further down the hall that held the secondary living space that he originally met you in. "there's a bathroom to the left there, and if you go to the end of the hall there's an open sunroom."

seokmin looked around the room you stood in, recognizing it in bits and pieces, but it looking much different without a crowd and flashing lights.

"and this is the living room," you said, spreading your arms as you spun to him. "tv, couch, bar, and most importantly," you giggled, tugging him towards the far wall of the room, which was covered in deep toned shelving, speakers, and a record player. "my record collection."

you took off your jacket as seokmin looked around in awe, noticing you had select autographed records displayed alone on picture ledges with spotlights pointed at them. one picture ledge was empty, centered just above the player. you tossed your coat into the couch, pulling seokmin's off his shoulders as well, despite his distraction.

"these are all yours?" he asked, turning to look at you after you had discarded the coats.

you nodded, spinning the felt of the record player mindlessly as you looked around. "i actually had started a collection years ago, but i couldn't make an excuse to spend the money on it very often. jeonghan gave me a pretty good excuse. also, whenever he pissed me off, he knew he could take me to a record shop and i would forgive him."

seokmin laughed. "does that happen a lot?"

"not as often as you'd think, considering what an ass he is," you teased. you gestured to the collection. "this is my baby, though. the house is his, but this wall is mine."

"well, play me a record," seokmin requested plainly, making you smile into a laugh.

"okay," you said, scooting past him to pull out one of the many cube drawers amidst the shelving. you flipped through a few. "dancing music?"

seokmin watched your hands, humming. "slow dancing, but, like, in a nostalgic discoteque."

you thought for a second, then closed the drawer to move to a different one, quickly flipping through and finding the record you wanted. you pulled the lp out, putting the bright blue sleeve with five smiling men on the empty picture ledge.

seokmin wrapped his arms around you as you set the record, striking the play button and enjoying the whirring as the lp spun, the needle connecting and the speakers scratching to life. you spun in his grip, laying your arms over his shoulders as he pulled you away from the record stand, into a more open space to playfully dance to the soulful bass lines and pop melodies of new edition.

"this house is insane, right?" seokmin asked, squinting at you as you laughed and nodded.

"it really is. the craziest part is he's still working on it."

"really?" seokmin looked around. "what else could he wanna change?"

you let your eyes wander. "i think it's a work in progress for him. the sunroom was brand new when we met, and he added this record display last winter, when i told him i always wanted to collect. the bar is new," you pointed. "he finished that in october. the kitchen was a summer project."

he blinked heavily, trying to register. "does he do all the work himself?"

"his team helps him," you explained. "he has a few contractors he works with and they manage the construction projects, but every once in a while i wake up on a sunday and he's cutting wood in the garage because he got an idea. he drafts all the changes, usually participates in the build, and picks most of the furniture, but he has people to collect the options for him."

"and he also does all that for other people, too?" you nodded, giggling. "and has time to take you to events almost every weekend?"

"i know. i didn't understand how he found the time until i realized that he just gets paid to do his hobby."

seokmin nodded. "me too, i guess."

you grinned. "me three. you should stay with us more," you suggested, rocking with him gently. "he'll be late tomorrow, but he's working from home this week…"

"hush," seokmin chuckled. "i have to work. besides, i'm sure he wants you alone after letting me claim you while he’s been gone."

"about that," you said, pulling away slightly to give him a cheeky smile. "i haven't gotten him to admit it yet, but i think jeonghan has a crush on you."

seokmin choked out a laugh. "what? me?"

"seokmin," you started, giving him a look. "he wanted you to join us for sex. more than once."

"okay," he scoffed lightly. "people have sex just for the sex sometimes," he pointed out, but in a tone that had no chance at convincing anyone.

"sure," you giggled. "but think about it. he kept me to himself all this time, and suddenly he's encouraging us to see each other without him? asking me about everything we do together..."

he swallowed. "everything?"

"everything," you breathed, eyes trained on his lips. "he knows i'll always go back to him, and i think he's hoping i'll bring you with me."

he blinked at you, processing. "is that what you're doing? bringing me back to him?"

"only if that's something you're interested in," you stated, cocking your head.

"him, you mean?"

you thought a second. "yes?"

you watched him blink repeatedly, seemingly considering the concept. he thought back to all the nights that became early mornings, laughing and joking with the architect since before he had even an ounce of notoriety. he thought of how jeonghan had reached out to him again a few long years later, and the way he had insisted on paying every time they got food. he wondered if there had been something happening that he hadn't noticed, his oblivious nature getting the best of him again. he thought about when things changed, when they met less often and jeonghan seemed quieter around him. and months later, when he started mentioning you.

"maybe," he said finally, mind whirling. "i don't know, i've never thought about it."

you nodded, putting your arms over his shoulders and swaying lightly to the music. "take your time," you said, smiling when his forehead pressed against yours. "we'll wait for you."

[snarkwrites]

ssw | sweetpea; kissed with love. __ with lust. | mature.

NOTES:

After a summer long break, I’m back at it again. I actually did work on a few things here and there in my absence, so hopefully, these next few days will see me finishing them off, polishing them up a bit and posting them, idk? We shall see.

This can be viewed as a second part to Sweetpea x Lodge!OFC ssw that I previously posted, which can be found [ here ] and will be linked again below. If anyone wants to see me actually sit down and write anything out with these two and like.. then write a version for my Andrews!OFC and Reggie.. just know I am highkey tempted and it probably wouldn’t take a lot of persuasion... Maaybe.

PROMPTS:

Prompts used for these six sexy words one shots are either taken from [here] or [here] at my choosing. I don’t take requests for characters / prompts for these but… If you just want to send me requests, I do take headcanon requests, fluff and filth alphabet letters. [ request rules / fandoms here ]

The prompts I used here are as follows: kissed with love. fucked with lust // “eyes up, sweetheart. look at me.” // so wet he just slips in.

FANDOM/CHARACTER:

Riverdale, Sweetpea x Lodge!OFC, Marlena

OTHER PARTS:

[ wondering what his kiss feels like. | sfw, squeaky clean]

WARNINGS:

{NSFW CONTENT. NO MINORS.} consensual but unprotected sex between two adults, biting / marking. body fluids. no foreplay.

Minors, this was not written for you. You shouldn’t be reading it. If you are and you stumble upon something upsetting or that you can’t handle after being clearly warned here… That’s on you, lovelies. Not me. Nobody made you keep reading.

TAGGING:

:( there’s nobody on my riverdale tag list actually. so if you’re out there and you’re reading this and you want to be on it, hit me up. or add yourself to the doc linked below. Either way. It’d make my heart so full, bbies.

OTHER STUFF:

[ faq | feel free to send me stuff | sfw masterlist | nsfw masterlist no minors. | taglist doc ]

I paced in front of the fallout shelter in the woods. It was getting later and later. I found myself tensing up at every little sound. I dug around in my pocket, searching for my cell phone. Pulling it out, I glanced at the time and took a deep breath. Tried to tell myself that maybe he was just running late.

Surely he wasn’t standing me up for a third time this week.

Almost as if on cue, my cell phone rang. It was Sweetpea.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“I’m not gonna make it.”

I sighed. Fighting back tears. Taking a deep breath or two.

“Are you there, Marlena?”

“Yeah.” I answered.

“I’m sorry. I gotta do this thing, okay?”

,, that’d be great if I didn’t feel like some dirty little secret. Or your kept girl. If you treated me in public the way you do when it’s just the two of us, rehearsing. If I had even a hint that you actually felt anything.” the thought crossed my mind and it took root this time. I couldn’t shake it.

Lately, it’s been getting harder and harder to shake.

“It’s fine. It’s just a play. And we’ve been doing so well together when we practice that missing a few won’t hurt.” I said the words but I didn’t mean them. I pouted as I said them because tonight marked the fifth night of me finally gathering up enough courage to ask him what it was we were doing here and it looked like yet again, Sweetpea was going to bail.

“You okay, princess?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m totally fine.” I was starting to try and navigate the woods in the dark. I swore when I got my favorite expensive sweater snagged on a branch and Sweetpea repeated his question.

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him I wasn’t fine. That our ‘practice sessions’ and private talks meant the world to me and they’d made me want so much more, but it felt like maybe this was all just something to do to rebound and get over Josie McCoy.

“We’ll meet up tomorrow, okay? I promise.”

I rolled my eyes at his words. And then that nagging thought that wouldn’t leave me alone crept in all over again. “Actually, I kind of can’t. I have a date.”

“What the hell do you mean, you have a date?”

,, what do I mean? I don’t have a date and this is only going to blow up in my face!” I was starting to panic at my ill-thought out response, but then another thought came, ,, If he really cares, let him be the one who worries. If he doesn’t care, you’ll know.”

“I mean… you don’t own me.” I answered calmly. Trusting the process, even though I was at least 80 percent sure that the process was going to royally fuck me over this time. Afraid to hope that maybe Sweetpea was feeling whatever I felt.

“Good point. Who’s the guy?”

Did he sound jealous just now? As quickly as the thought came, I shoved it back down. If anything going on between us mattered to him in the first place, he’d act like it. He wouldn’t act one way in public and a completely different way in private.

“Just a guy.”

“What’s his name?”

“Why does it matter?” I asked the question mildly as possible. I stepped into the lobby of the Pembrooke and wandered over to the elevator, pressing up. “I have to go. I’m gonna lose service in the elevator.”

“Wait.. you weren’t like.. waiting on me… Right?” Sweetpea asked.

I hesitated for a second or two. Every part of me wanted to tell him the truth, and then tell him just how much this whole game we were caught up in really bothered me, but when my mouth finally decided to work again, I gave a soft laugh. “Me? Nooo. No, you told me not to, remember? Because you never know if you’ll make it or not and you don’t want me out there alone in the woods.”

“Where were you then?”

“Out. I have to go now.” I hung up before he could ask anything else because if I didn’t, I knew I’d tell him the truth. And the truth might just make everything between us fall to pieces. Because he might not want the truth.

I barely got into the door of the penthouse before my phone rang again.

It was Sweetpea.

Rather than answer it, I declined the call. And I flopped down on the couch beside my sister. “How’d it go?” Veronica asked, pausing the movie she’d been watching to look over at me. “Did you tell him?”

“He ditched me. Again.”

“To be fair, he did tell you not to go out there until he told you he was definitely going to show up.” Veronica mused. I shook my head, sighing. “All I am is a rebound. Now I just have to decide whether I can be okay with that or not. Besides…” I paused for a few seconds, taking a deep breath, “I might’ve just messed it all up anyway.”

When she asked what I meant, I told her everything. Ending with the whole interrogation that he’d just put me through on the phone.

“You should’ve just made up a guy.”

“I’m not smooth enough to pull this type of stuff off, Ronnie! You know this. Ugh. Me and my big mouth.”

“Did he sound jealous or upset?”

“I mean.. I want to think he did but I’m also not about to be stupid enough to get my hopes up.”

My cell phone rang again and I hesitated. I almost answered it and told him everything but my sister smirked and she took the phone from my hand, wandering into the other room as she answered it.

I tensed all over, following her. Giving her a pleading look, shaking my head no.

But my sister wouldn’t be who she is if she didn’t stir the pot.

“Veronica, give Marlena the phone.”

“Afraid I can’t do that, Sweetpea.”

“And why the hell not?”

“Well, I’d love to but she’s kind of… busy… right now.”

“Busy doing what?”

“Showering, damn. Don’t raise your voice at me, Sweetpea.”

“Oh, he’s totally jealous.” she mouthed to me as she held the phone away from her ear for a second or two to let him rant on his end.

“Anyway, she’s busy. Is that all, or did you want something else? Remember, manners benefit you in this situation.” Veronica stated, flopping onto a chair. Waiting on Sweetpea to get to whatever the reason was for him calling.

I snickered to myself when I heard him swear and then mumble an apology.

“Who’s the guy she’s going out with tomorrow night?”

“Depends.”

“On?”

“On why it matters. I’m not going to tell you anything if you’re just going to hurt my sister or go beat the poor guy up.”

I tensed a little, getting frantic. Veronica seemed to pick up on it and she mouthed, “Relax. Listen, if anyone can get an answer out of him, I can. Just let me do my thing.”

“I’m not going to hurt her. That’s the last thing I wanna do. I thought we had something then she just casually mentions she’s busy tomorrow night, that some guy’s takin her out.” Sweetpea trailed off. I grimaced because it sounded like he’d just hit a wall or something.

Veronica was barely hiding back a grin.

She eyed me and then lowered the phone. “You can’t tell him how you feel, right? But you want to? This is a way to find out if he feels even a little of what you’re feeling.”

I eyed her, wary.

She put the phone back up to her ear.

“Is she there?”

“She’s still showering. Why’s a guy taking her out bother you so much, hm? I mean, you two barely speak at school and lately, you’ve kind of been avoiding her. She’s told me that you’ve blown off these little solo rehearsals you’ve been doing out at the shelter four or five times now?” Veronica questioned. Holding the phone away from her ear because apparently some of the bikers were doing shots and the crowd in the bar was getting a little out of hand, making it hard to hear or focus on Sweetpea.

“before we discuss this any further, Sweetpea, I’m going to need you to go somewhere more quiet.”

“Just like.. Tell her I’ll talk to her later.”

“No, no.. I think you might want to hear what I have to say.” Veronica’s words had me mouthing “Are you fucking mental?” while shaking my head no at her in a panic.

“Fine. I’ll step out in the alley.”

“Good.”

After a second or two, I heard Sweetpea ask, “Better?”

“Much.”

“Hey, wait… I talked to Marlena earlier and she said she hasn’t been going out there to wait on me.” Sweetpea trailed off, swearing under his breath.

“Yeah, well.. Maybe she didn’t want to be embarrassed?” Veronica walked into her bedroom, shutting the door behind her, leaving me out in the hallway, gaping at her audacity and the closed door. I paced back and forth, stopping now and then to hear bits of the conversation.

SWEETPEA’S POV

“Well what, hm? I told her not to go out there alone at night. There’s a fucking murderer on the loose.”

Veronica’s laughter had me glaring at the phone in my hand, rolling my eyes. “What the hell’s so funny?”

“One, that you think she’ll just jump when you tell her how high. Two, I can’t believe you’re actually this blind. Or stupid.”

I glared at the phone, scowling. “The hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“Do you have any idea how much she looks forward to seeing you? Like.. the happiest I’ve seen Marlena in years is when she’s sneaking out to go meet up with you. And then you pull all this shit. Honestly, I don’t see why she bothers. It’s obvious you’re just using her as  a rebound.” Veronica ranted, falling silent. Leaving me to stand frozen in place in the alley as my brain desperately tried to process what Veronica was telling me.

I’d been avoiding Marlena because I’m determined not to let myself get so caught up in someone that they have the ability to really hurt me like Josie did again. And just the thought that Marlena might have another guy interested in her upon hearing it earlier had me up in arms. It’s too late. I’m fucked. Somehow, Marlena Lodge got to me before I ever realized it was happening. “ I’m not using her as a rebound. Did she say that?” I snapped before I could stop myself. I apologized and then went quiet.

“She didn’t. But I know her well enough to know that’s exactly what she things. My advice here? Stop acting like you are towards her, because she feels like you are just using her as a rebound and she’s probably about to give up on you. The fact that she’s using the old I have a date excuse on you tells me everything I need to know. My sister only does that when she’s getting ready to cut her losses and move on. She does it so she won’t get hurt, so obviously, you’re hurting her. I have nothing else to say.”

“You’re sure she really feels this way…”

“If I weren’t, I wouldn’t even bother talking to you. I can’t stand back and watch her just close off a part of herself again, okay? Because sooner or later, she’s not going to have any parts of herself left to close off.”

Veronica hung up before I could really react to the statement and I leaned against the brick wall outside the Wyrm, just trying to process everything.

Fangs wandered out, lighting up a cigarette. “Everything alright, Pea?”

“She feels somethin, too.”

“I told you, idiot.”

“Shut the fuck up, Fogarty.” I grumbled, rolling my eyes. Laughing a little as I took a few deep breaths. “So that means she was only sticking to status quo at school because she thought that’s what I wanted.”

“Again. I told you so, Pea.” Fangs exhaled a plume of smoke and then asked the more serious question. “My question is what are you gonna do about this, hm? You gotta do something, man.”

I smirked as a half assed plan born of desperation began to form itself in my mind…

MARLENA’S POV

“Your father and I are heading out to the Halloween festivities in the town hall. Are you sure you don’t want to come along, Lena?”

I pretended not to hear my mom because I’m still not speaking to her or my father. I haven’t spoken a word to either of them in months now. I don’t intend to until they admit that everything they’ve ever done is wrong and it’s hurt more people than it was all worth.

Veronica says I’ll be giving them the silent treatment until they’re dead and I’m old and gray and I’m starting to agree. Hermosa is always preaching to me the importance of family and forgiveness. Trying to get me to just give it up already.

The storm picked up outside and I jumped a little. Mentally damning my decision to watch all the horror movies I could possibly handle while at this godforsaken and creepy penthouse all alone. My father eyed me in concern and my mom cleared her throat.

“Still not speaking to us?”my mother asked.

I gave them both the thumbs up and my father sighed in disappointment. Mumbled something about how Veronica and Hermosa came around and hopefully, sooner or later, I will too.

He went to hug me and muttered quietly, “I know storms scare you, mija. If you need me to come home, I’m but a call away. I know you’re upset with your mom and I right now, but I am your father and I do love you..”

I stayed stiff in the hug, though it killed me to do so. This whole silence and distance act towards my father and my adoptive mother, Hermoine is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

,, and avoiding Sweetpea all day today even though he seemed to seek me out the most, that wasn’t an easy task either. But I need to let go. I was obviously just a rebound and I don’t want to be someone’s rebound. Just one time, I’d like to be someone’s first choice.” the thought came as the doors to the penthouse shut and locked behind my parents as they left. I did my best to push out the thought but tonight, it just didn’t want to leave me alone.

I reached for the remote to our home theater system to start my horror movie, - the Rob Zombie remake of Halloween, and I happened to notice my cell phone lit up, buzzing and vibrating.

Three texts and four missed calls from Sweetpea.

I shrugged it off and tossed the phone back onto the end table, unpausing my movie. Getting caught up in it all over again as the storm raged on outside.

The more the storm intensified, the more I found myself tempted. All I had to do was reach out and pick up the phone. I told myself that I could just call Veronica or something, but the only thing that kept me from picking the phone was that I knew if I did, I wouldn’t be calling my sister.

I’d somehow wind up calling Sweetpea instead.

The sound of the call box by the door going off had my brow raising and I slipped off the couch, wandering over to the  door.

Pressing the button to talk.

“Can you tell this jerk at the door you know me, Marlena?” Sweetpea’s voice crept in through the loud crackling static and reverb from the speaker.

“What the hell is he doing here?” I wondered, jumping a little when Sweetpea answered, “If you’ll let me come up, princess…”

I let go of the button to talk and dragged my fingers through my hair. Looking at myself in the mirror that hung right next to our front door and wrinkling my nose.

The intercom roared to life again.

“I know you’re there. Just let me up.”

“You forgot one very important word.” I answered after pressing the talk button on my end again.

I heard him grumbling a little and at first, I’d figured he’d just leave because for the span of time that I’ve known Sweetpea, he’s just not the kind of guy who says Please or I’m sorry or anything to do with feelings easily.

“Please?”

I swallowed hard. My heart was beating against my rib cage so hard I thought it’d beat right out. I tried to remind myself that I was attempting to just move on and the less I saw him, the better off I’d be doing that, but before I could stop myself, I was hitting the button to allow Sweetpea access to the building.

I started to race to my bedroom to change into something more presentable, at least throw a little makeup on because no one outside of my sister or my parents have ever seen me looking anything less than well put together, but I stopped myself.

,, He’s the one who came to me. Let him deal with the way I  look.” and with that thought, I made my way over to the door of the penthouse, opening it when he knocked.

Before I could say or do anything, I was being pinned against the door frame, my back meeting cold wood with a soft smack as Sweetpea’s body pressed right into mine and his hands wandered all over me without stopping.

When they did stop, one was tangled in thick dark curls at the back of my head and his other hand was on my ass, fingers splayed and digging into soft flesh roughly. Squeezing. Rubbing me against him slightly. Enough that I sucked in a breath because I felt the way his cock pushed against his jeans, strained.

When his mouth finally found mine, his tongue split my lips, finding my tongue, tangling with it. Pulling at the hair his hand was tangled up in to tug my mouth into the kiss deeper. Greedy. Teeth sinking into fleshy and swollen lips roughly.

I was starting to get really light-headed. I placed my hand palm down against his chest and shoved him away slightly, wiping at my mouth with the back of my hand and staring up at him with wide eyes. “What the hell was that for?”

A large rough hand caught against my face, caressing it. Tilting my head so that I had to keep my eyes on him when I did eventually try to look down and busy myself by pulling at a ragged thread in the front of his plaid shirt.

“Eyes up, Sweetheart. Look at me.” he muttered, a dazed and soft yet somehow still firm tone to his voice as he spoke. It was enough to make me keep my gaze on him. Waiting. Trying to pull myself together because I felt like I’d fall apart at any second.

“You still haven’t answered my question.” I pouted as I pointed it out.

The fact that his immediate response was to get all squirmy and for his hands to start wandering all over my body again as he melted against me should’ve been a clue as to exactly why he was here right now, but somehow, I missed it entirely.

His mouth crashed against mine all over again. Hungrier. Needier. A kiss so deep that more than a time or two, I forgot to breathe. Melting against him. The hand pressed against the front of his plaid shirt catching hold of a fist full of the fabric. My leg raised to his hip and his hand wandered down, squeezing my thigh. Rutting himself against me as he muttered “I love you, I love you, I love you. Fuck. I love you.” into softly smacking and frantic kisses that continued to deepen. His hand roamed over my bare thigh, a soft hiss hanging in the air between us, swallowed by the meeting of our mouths all over again. The kiss broke and he pressed his forehead against mine to stare deep into my eyes. I was trying to catch up, to process what was going on. When I realized what he’d been saying as we kissed, my breath caught and escaped in a quiet gasp. I realized that he was trying to avoid eye contact, staring down my shirt at the top of my breasts instead, so I made him look at me.

“Was there a guy, Marlena?”

“It’s Lena, for the millionth time and no. No, there wasn’t a guy. I was just saving face?”

Sweetpea raised a brow.

I explained sheepishly, “Well, when you started bailing on our private rehearsals, I figured I was just a rebound and I didn’t want you to know that you actually did keep me waiting more than once…” I stared down at my bare feet as I went quiet.

He curled his fingers beneath my chin, making me look up at him. Sighing as he tried to think of something to say.

“I didn’t wanna get too caught up in you, okay? I… I had to do something.”

The stammer in his words is what caught me by surprise because Sweetpea isn’t exactly known for being unsure about anything.

I tilted my head slightly. Taking a shaky breath. Nodding as I managed to grasp what he was getting at. Admitting after a seconds pause, “I didn’t either. I mean, literally every single time I do it… It all goes wrong somehow. Or I’m not enough. I don’t know.” I blew at a strand of hair that flopped down into my eyes and Sweetpea reached out, smoothing the strands back behind my ear.

“You wanna come in?”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“It’s better than me, being here all alone in this fucking tomb while there’s a storm going on out there.” I muttered, going quiet. I didn’t want to push or anything.

Sweetpea rubbed his chin in thought. Smirking just a little when he asked in a teasing tone, “You’re scared of bad weather, huh?”

“Very. It’d be nice to have something to take my mind off it.” I raised my hand to my mouth to cover it as soon as I realized just how coy the statement I’d made sounded. Rather than be off-putting -or too needy, to him like I was afraid it’d be, something entirely different happened.

He scooped me up as soon as he stepped fully into the penthouse and shut the door behind him. The warmth of his skin and the scent of his cologne had me sighing in content as I nestled my face against the side of his neck, the smooth edges of his double headed serpent tattoo drawing my attention as I raised a hand and delicately trailed the tip of my index finger over the design, making him shiver and have to stop to tighten the grip he had on my body.

As we passed the living room, he happened to see the movie I’d been watching, paused. “You’re scared to death of storms but you were watching that shit alone? You realize that was asking for nightmare fuel… Right?”

“It’s my Halloween ritual, okay?” I muttered, my lips brushing right against the tattoo on his neck with each word I spoke. “Do you wanna finish watching?” he questioned, stopping in the doorway of the room and lingering. A smoldering look in his eyes as he glanced down at the way he held me in his arms.

“Are you sure you want me to answer that?” I purred against his skin. Clinging to him a little more. The shock of it all was starting to wear off now.

And almost as if on cue, the storm picked up even more and all the power went out. I giggled quietly.

“Gee. Guess Hiram and Hermoine won’t be coming back here tonight.”

“Your parents are gone?”

“Mhm. They went to that stupid silent auction. They weren’t going to be back until stupid early. And with the power being out, they won’t be getting in here. It’s a safety feature that my father had put in. One he clearly didn’t think through.”

“So… nobody gets in and nobody gets out until the power’s on?” Sweetpea’s brow raised.

“Or until the backup generator kicks on. But given that the building staff is gone home for the night… The odds are against that.” I giggled a little more because I could see the gleam in his eyes and the way he was smirking right now as if he were thinking long and hard about something he wanted.

“Uh oh. I know that look…” I teased.

“Oh you do, hm? What’s it mean then, baby girl?”

If I thought our little makeout in the doorway left me wet and beyond worked up, it was nothing compared to the flood of slick I felt flooding the insides of my thighs when he called me baby girl.

“Usually means you’re thinking about something you really want to do. Something you know might not be a good idea, but you don’t care because you want to do it.” I answered quietly. Wondering if he’d pick up on what I was hinting at. Wondering if I was right to begin with.

I had to be. Given what happened when I let him up to our floor, I doubt I’ve misread the situation.

“Oh, I definitely want to do it. And the way you’re giggling right now and clinging to me, baby girl, I think you know exactly what I want. Either that or you’re being a tease.”

I whimpered before I could stop myself. Sweetpea stepped over to the couch and sank down to sit on it, letting me get comfortable in his lap. His hands were all over me at first, settling on my ass to pull me completely against him.

He was straining so hard against his jeans that when he pulled me closer, my throbbing core rocked right over the hefty bulge. He bucked himself up into me before he could be bothered to stop himself from doing it, his breath coming in short panting gasps as his mouth collided with mine and his tongue parted my lips. One of his hands left my ass, moving up my back. Tangling in the dark curls at the back of my head as he used his grip there to pull me even deeper into the kiss. A harder buck against me that had me whining at the dull throb that settled in even more.

The kiss finally broke and we pulled away very slightly. Catching our breath.

I pouted a little and leaned into him again, my mouth grazing against the shell of his ear as I whispered quietly, “Now who’s doing all the teasing, hm?” while rocking myself against the way he strained at his jeans. “Oh, I’m not teasing, princess.” he answered.

Standing. Making me pout when he did. Until he asked where my bedroom was and I told him where to take me. He rushed out of the living room, carrying me down a darkened hall and as soon as I saw the door that lead into my suite of rooms on the wing of the penthouse I share with Veronica, I pointed and giggled. “It’s there. That one.”

Sweetpea kicked at the bottom of the door with his heavy soled boot, letting me wrap myself around him as my back met the door with a soft smack and he got the door opened.

Once we were inside my suite with the doors locked behind us, he sat me on top of my mirrored vanity. Stepping between my legs as his hands moved down to the bottom of the oversized shirt I’d been wearing. He licked his lips and chuckled, pulling the shirt up and away from my body. Letting it settle on the floor of the room. I raised my hand to start working the buttons on the front of his plaid shirt free, but I was so excited that my hands were shaky, so I grabbed the front of his shirt with both hands, tearing it open. Sending a quiet spray of buttons scattering across the room.

He growled against my ear with a husky laugh, “Not fair. I didn’t tear off your shirt.”

“I didn’t stop you from doing it?” I pouted up at him, giving a soft giggle as I shrugged. My hands moved over his chest, the giggle at the way he shivered at my touch getting swallowed by a slow, deep and rough kiss. He nipped at my bottom lip, making me cling to him even more, rubbing myself against him as I whined; impatient.

My arms wrapped around his neck and my legs squeezed against his sides. The hand he had resting on my thigh started to trail upward. Squeezing my dripping core and drawing a gasp out of me that seemed to shatter the silence in the room all over again. When he felt how wet I was, he growled. Scooping me forward on the vanity. Rubbing me right against the way his cock pushed against the denim barrier of his jeans. His tongue dragged along the shell of my ear and he mumbled, “How are you so fucking wet already?” in awe. He cupped my dripping sex a little harder, massaging me through my panties. “Fuck.”

I gazed up at him with the most innocent look I could muster up as my hand wandered down his chest. My fingers toying with the waistband of his jeans, tugging him in even closer all over again. His breath caught in his throat when he felt me fumbling with the button and by the time I was tugging down the zipper impatiently, he was slipping his fingers beneath the thin waistband of my panties, pulling them away as a silent tear seemed to echo in the air around us. Letting them settle on the floor next to the shirt he’d taken off me and his own discarded shirt.

He took just a slight step back. Licking his lips and groaning as his eyes wandered over every inch of my body. When I went to raise my hands to cover myself a little, he stepped closer all over again, lowering my hands as his mouth found mine and devoured it. “Don’t do that. I wanna see you.” he mumbled into my mouth.

A loud clap of thunder had me flinching a little and he grabbed hold of my jawline gently. Leaning in to close the distance between our mouths all over again. “Focus on me, baby girl. Not the storm.”

I nodded. Taking a shaky breath. Tugging impatiently at his jeans until he chuckled and covered my hand with his own, lowering it. “Tell me what you want.”

“You.” I whimpered out, my lips straying from his to drag slowly down the side of his neck. Letting my tongue roll over the double headed serpent covering the skin there. Making him shiver and swear quietly as I did it.

“You want me, hm?” he questioned as we broke apart to breathe.

“Mhm.” I pouted, trying again to grab for the waistband of his jeans. He smirked and stepped away. His hand lowered and my eyes followed the movement of it. My breath caught in my  throat and escaped in a quiet gasp as he kicked off his boots and then worked his jeans down, letting them pool at his ankles. Leaving him standing there in front of me in only a pair of black boxers.

I barely stopped a whimper as he started to tug down his boxers, kicking them away once they pooled at his feet. Stepping back up to me all over again. His thick cock standing at attention and grazing right against my aching core as soon as he had me pulled as close to him as he could get me all over again.

“Have you ever done this before, baby girl?” he questioned just before his mouth latched onto my neck. Sucking a deep mark into my skin as his hands wandered all over me. Settling between my thighs. Rubbing my dripping sex until I felt my stomach starting to coil. He nipped at my neck. “I asked you a question.”

“N-no.”

“Fuck.” he practically growled the word as he scooped me off the top of the vanity, stepping over to my king sized bed. Tossing me onto it gently as he stared down at me and swallowed hard. Taking a few shaky breaths.

“I’m gonna have you all to myself then, hm?” he mumbled as he settled over my body, his hips pressing mine against the mattress. His mouth crashed against mine in a kiss that ended too soon. Then his lips trailed down the front of my throat, dropping hot little kisses and nips against my skin. Leaving any part of it he could get his mouth on covered in marks.

I couldn’t help but giggle because the fact that he was my first kiss and now, he was going to be the first guy I made love to just seem to amp up that cockiness of his to the nth degree.

But when his eyes met mine again, just as his mouth worked across my collarbones, the loving gaze he gave me had me blown away.

The lower his mouth moved on my body, the more I tried to come alive beneath him. The more I whimpered and moaned. Tried to rock myself against him until big hands grabbed hold of my hips, holding them still against the bed.

“Ah-ah. Let me take care of you, baby girl.” he muttered firmly. His tongue circled my navel and my back arched. I reached down, tugging at his hair. Making him growl and nip at my abdomen before rolling his tongue over my skin.

“I wanna fuck you so bad.” he groaned out against my skin as he rose up and bucked himself against me, letting his cock just barely graze against my sensitive,throbbing core. I raised my hands, grabbing hold of his face. Pulling him back down on me. “Then do it. Please? I-I.. I want you.”

He eyed me. Thinking it over.

“If it hurts…” he started to say something but I crashed my mouth against his hungrily. “Now.” I begged again, the word getting swallowed up by the meeting of our mouths all over again.

The tip of his cock grazed against my opening and I whimpered. Trying to rock against him more urgently. He caressed my face, staring down at me. Dazed.

Teasing just a little by letting his cock graze against me all over again, sending a shiver through me. My stomach coiled just a little tighter.

His mouth crashed against mine, his tongue devouring mine in a deep and slow kiss. His hands roamed over my body, settling on my hips. He sank his cock into me just a little more and I tensed as I could feel myself starting to be stretched out. He eyed me in concern. “Are you good?”

I nodded because the little bit of pain I’d felt was starting to ebb off. He sank in a little deeper, growling against my neck “Fuck, fuck. You’re so.. Fuck, princess. How are you so wet? I can barely stay in.” and I tensed up a little more, making him pause. Pepper my neck and throat with hot kisses and nips, latching on to leave the occasional little mark behind. My nails dug into his shoulders and as soon as the pain was gone again, I started to rock myself against him, desperate for the way it felt after the pain.

The way his thick cock seemed to split me in two. He started to pump in and out a little faster, his hands squeezing my hips until I knew they’d be bruised tomorrow because he was holding on to my body so tight.

“Ugh, fuck. Feels so” I moaned out, “Good. Don’t stop.”

He started to slow down, making me pout as my mouth latched onto his all over again, pulling him into a deep kiss. “Faster baby. Please?”

All he did was shake his head. Smirk at me as he went still. Letting his cock fill me. His mouth roaming all ov er my body. His hands leaving my hips to move back up my sides and stop at my tits, pushing them together. Dipping his head down. Latching onto a nipple with his mouth as I moaned and tried to get us moving again, the heels of my feet digging into the bedding on my bed because it felt so good. I wanted, no I needed more. Everything. All of him.

He started to pump into me all over again, his hips smacking against mine. My back arching away from the bed when he hit the same spot buried deep within me over and over. Slowing down just when I felt like I’d fall to pieces and I was shaking a little. Kissing. Touching.

“Pea, please? C’mon.” I begged breathlessly.

“Nope. I’m not even close to done with you yet, baby girl. Not even close.” he mumbled against my skin as he picked up his pace but only a little. My legs were almost shaking now and I wrapped my arms around his neck, dragging my fingers up and down his bare back. Barely digging because I didn’t want to hurt him.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and he growled, nipping at my mouth as he muttered against it, “Oh fuck. Fuck. C’mon, princess. Move your hips like you were.” when my movements got just a little clumsier because I could feel that tight coil in my stomach threatening to come undone just a little more with each deep drive he made.

He rose up, raising my legs to his shoulders. Slamming himself back into me, burying deep inside all over again. I gripped his shoulder and the blanket, moaning his name as tears of frustration started to sting my eyes, one of them breaking free and rolling down my cheek.

“C’mon, baby girl. I know what you wanna do right now. Let go for me. Let me have it all.” and as he pumped me up and down on his cock faster, burying deeper inside with each stroke he made, my orgasm shattered me. Leaving me with pretty much no other option but to cling to him and try to fuck my way down from the high. He growled as my walls clenched tight around his cock and I got so wet that he nearly slipped out more than a time or two, my juices coating him and the excess puddling below me.

His hips stammered and he slowed, peppering my skin with little kisses. His hands all over me, touching. His mouth leaving marks behind on every strip of skin he could access as his hips snapped into my body slow. Each drive he made seemed to go deeper and deeper. Until he couldn’t go any deeper and then he went still. Drawing a whimper and a pout out of me as I gasped out “Why’d you stop,hm?”

“Because if I don’t, princess… Fuck. Do you know how good you feel to me?” his words came out muffled, his mouth buried in the curve of my neck. Teeth scraping against flesh as he nipped and sucked, leaving a bruise I knew I couldn’t hide. He muttered seconds later, “Wanna make every second count, okay?” as his eyes locked on mine and he raised a hand, caressing my face. His other hand gripped my hip and he started to pump himself in and out. The sloshing wet sounds with each deep thrust driving me almost feral as they joined with the quiet and steady creak and rustling of my bed and were drowned out by my quiet whimpers and moans and his grunts and the occasional growl. “I could fucking stay like this forever, baby girl.” he mused as he crashed his mouth against mine, his hips stammering. Slowing.

Those big rough hands all over me again, slow. Deliberate. Like he was trying to learn every inch of my body or commit it to memory. I sighed and my head fell back against the pillow, my eyes fluttering open and shut as my stomach coiled and I felt myself getting closer and closer to the edge. Poised to go over. I just wanted to let another orgasm shatter me. Sweetpea seemed to sense it and he muttered against my ear, “Let me have it, baby girl. Now. C’mon. Let go. I’ve got you.” in a coaxing tone.

My orgasm ripped through, leaving me clinging to him a second time. Moaning his name. Rocking my hips frantically, desperate to ride out the high. Sweetpea tried to stop a time or two, tried to grip and squeeze my hips, but he just couldn’t anymore and I caught hold of his face in my hands, muttering against his mouth, “C’mon. Please?”

“Ah fuck.” he grunted, his hips moving erratically. The soft smack of skin against skin echoing through the room. His fingers dug into my body, holding me tight against him as he started to fuck into me deep and frantic. His lower body pinning mine against the bed. The warmth of the way he emptied inside, throbbing and hot, filling me up.

As he came down from the high of his orgasm, he collapsed to the bed beside me. Reaching out to pull me on top of him. His lips pressing against the crown of my hair as his hands roamed slow and delicate up and down my bare back.

And outside, the storm was starting to quiet down.

[buttonso]

Teamwork: An Aura/Harvey short

AKA: Buttonso Very Unsubtly Projects FEELINGS Onto Poor Aura.

I am going to put this below a cut both for length and because the whole thing concerns fears/anxieties around pregnancy. If you like it and want to reblog it, you may, but I will not tolerate any form of judgmental commentary. I'm prepared to block people if needs be.

2,685 words. Contains a few swears. Forgive any typos ^^*

So. Ok. Well. A few weeks ago, I learned that I was pregnant. I did not think it was in the cards for me, for various reasons, so it's been a surprise, and while it's a good surprise, I have found it to be more than a little overwhelming. My husband has been amazing and has been doing a good job of keeping me off the ledge, and this whole thing is based on one of the many pep talks he's given me in the last few weeks.

This clearly would take place after Breathe With Me is over. It may or may not be considered canon, as I could end up contradicting it in the future sequel of Breathe With Me...... which may be a long time coming now that my life is changing.

Maybe this is TMI, and if I've made anyone uncomfortable, I do apologize.

*

Teamwork

Harvey whistled under his breath, a cheery tune befitting the sunny day and his sunnier disposition. No matter how busy he got at the clinic, nothing had been able to dampen his spirits for long over the past several weeks. It was a lovely spring and promised to be an even lovelier summer. His home and his wife were lovelier still… and he was going to be a father. Oh, not for a awhile- Aura was nearing the end of her first trimester, but everything seemed to be going well so far.

It seemed that having everything he wanted in life agreed with Harvey.

His last appointment of the day had cancelled on him, and he’d decided to close the clinic early and head home to surprise Aura. He’d stopped by the General Store for a few things, the plan spinning out naturally as he shopped. He would draw a bath for her so she could relax after she came in from the fields while he cooked a nice dinner. He harbored vague, hopeful notions of offering her a massage after dinner, but that would be dependent on her energy levels after- it was entirely possible she would want to go straight to sleep.

Aura, of course, stubbornly insisted on continuing to do all the work she was accustomed to doing, and despite Harvey’s misgivings, he’d yielded to the judgement of her OB, who had said she could continue to work as long as she felt up to it. Well, the doctor was right, and he himself would have said the same thing to a patient, but that didn’t stop Harvey from worrying.

He did not see Aura anywhere near the farmhouse as he stepped up onto the porch, but that was not unusual. She might be in the far fields, or the barn, or the woods… she might well even be inside, working on something in the kitchen. But she always came home at 6:30 for supper, so he would be ready when she arrived. Harvey’s cheery little whistle became a contented hum as he set the groceries down on the kitchen table, then headed towards the bedroom to change clothes, loosening his tie as he walked. The living room and kitchen was empty- even the cat was nowhere in evidence.

The hum died in his throat as he pushed open the bedroom door and he saw her. Aura was lying on the bed, fully dressed on top of the covers, curled on her side. Her back was to him, and her body was shaking with soft, hopeless little sobs. Alarm shot through him- he couldn’t help the automatic, instinctive lunge towards the bed.

“What’s wrong, darling?” He asked, as she jumped, clearly startled, nearly lurching off the bed as she turned to face him, eyes wide as she hastily wiped at her tear-streaked face. Murphy, who’d been hidden from Harvey’s view by Aura’s body, scampered off the bed in alarm, his tubby body hitting the floor with a thud on the opposite side of the bed, claws scrabbling on the floor as he scampered off.

“You nearly gave me a heart attack!!” She exclaimed, one hand pressed to her chest and the other held out towards him, her finger pointing at him in accusation. “What are you doing home so early?!”

“My last appointment was canceled, and I thought I’d surprise you. Please… tell me, what’s going on…” He fought down the panicked, instant assumption of utter disaster, but he’d never seen her like this before. “…Did… did something happen? Are you well?”

“I-I’m fine…physically, anyway.” She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose before rubbing at her eyes and cheeks again with both hands. “I’m just… having some feelings. Dealing with feelings was never my strong suit and it’s harder than ever these days.”

“What sort of feelings?” Harvey moved cautiously towards the bed, sinking onto it beside her.

“It’s… it’s nothing,” Aura sighed, but she leaned into his touch when he reached out and put a hand on her cheek.

“It’s not nothing, you were in tears.” Anxiety made his voice tight and his tone a bit sharp. She flinched, biting her lip as she avoided his gaze. His hand slid from her cheek to her shoulder. “Sweetheart… please… tell me.” His heart raced and he felt himself trembling a little, despite his need to be brave. “Please,” He repeated, when the silence stretched between them, and he felt her shoulder beginning to tremble again.

“I-I…” she took a deep breath. “I’m… I’m scared, okay?” She blew out a frustrated breath and covered her face with her hands. “I’m… scared and I feel stupid, immature, selfish… I…I hate myself for feeling this way…”

“Why? What are you afraid of?” He slid his arm around her carefully, but she stiffened, rather than relaxing into his embrace as she always did. Dread crept up his spine, and panic made another attempt at clawing its way out.

“…I…I should be happier than I am. About the baby.” Her tone was extremely reluctant, her silver eyes downcast as she continued to avoid his gaze. She put a trembling hand on her stomach as the other hand came to rest on Harvey’s thigh. “But once the excitement of telling you wore off… every day, every week since… I’ve only gotten more and more worried.”

“Oh.” Harvey released the breath he’d been holding in a trembling sigh. “…Is… that all.” She still had a long way to go in her pregnancy… but still, that meant she’d been agonizing for several weeks in silence. It didn’t speak well for his attentiveness as a husband. “I’ve been floating around here like a happy fool, and I never noticed you were in distress…”

“You didn’t notice because I hid it from you,” She sighed. “I…I didn’t want to rain on your parade. And your excitement was definitely contagious at first, but now…”

“…Now?” He made another attempt at sliding his arm around her, and this time she did lean into him, to his relief.

“Everything… is gonna change, Harvey,” she said softly. “Everything. And I… I’m not sure I’m up to the challenge.”

Harvey ran his hand up and down her arm slowly in an attempt to soothe her. “I’m of the firm belief that there’s nothing you can’t handle, my dear.”

“But… don’t you see…” Aura paused as she seemed to try to compose herself, only to have her voice break. “I’m… I’m not good enough, Harvey.”

“Not good enough?” He echoed, biting back the automatic impulse to deny it. “Why do you think that?”

“There’s… there’s no doubt in my mind you’re going to be the best Dad ever. I mean… baby, you practically have nurturer tattooed on your forehead. But me? I’ve spent my entire adult life just doing whatever I wanted to do. I’ve learned how to be considerate of you, and to accommodate you in my life, but… a baby… I don’t… I don’t know how to be in a normal family. I just can’t see any way I’m not going to totally fuck this all up.”

“Sweetheart…” He tightened his embrace and pressed a kiss to her temple. “It’s perfectly natural to have concerns about impending parenthood… I know I’ve been all smiles since you told me you were pregnant, but I’ve been worried too… I grew up without a father, so I have no example to look back on. But we’ll learn together. We have friends with experience to draw upon, and we’ll be just fine. All three of us.”

“No, no it’s not… not just that…” Aura shook her head and gestured with one hand, as if she were shaping a lump of dough while she worked through her thoughts. “It’s not just worrying about doing a good job… even though I am… but I…” Her hand tightened into a fist, and she squeezed her eyes shut. “All this worrying I’ve been doing… I’m thinking about myself. How my freedom is going to be curtailed. How my relationship with you may be affected, may even suffer. How… how much I am not enjoying feeling the changes in my body.” Her cheeks reddened as her voice wobbled. “I hate feeling low-key sick all the time… my clothes are getting uncomfortably tight… my breasts feel too big, I’m not sleeping well... I mean, do you hear this? It’s all me, me, me, I, I, I… what kind of fucking self-centered monster am I? Instead of worrying about whether or not my baby is healthy I’m only thinking about how uncomfortable I am and how scared I am of all this change.” Her voice broke at last, and she began to sob again.

“Oh… my darling…” Harvey had never seen her in such a state, and he wasn’t quite sure how to react for a moment, but hugging her seemed like a safe bet, and he used both arms to do so, pulling her against his chest. “I wish you’d told me sooner…” He was no obstetrician, but Aura’s doctor was a friend of his, and he’d read quite a lot on the subject of pregnancy ever since they agreed to try for a baby. This felt like mere reassurance wouldn’t be enough. “You know… I meant it, earlier, when I said there’s nothing you can’t handle,” He said after a few moments of simply holding her.

“I know you think so, but…” She sniffed and he shook his head.

“No but.” He put just enough sternness into his voice that she blinked at looked questioningly at him.

“When you first came here… I was so in awe of how confident you were. You came here all by yourself and resurrected your grandfather’s dying farm. You ventured into those dreadful mines and fought monsters… and you told me once that you were not going to stop taking risks if you had a shot at something better. I remind you of all this not to dismiss your concerns… but to tell you that I have every confidence in you,” Harvey told her, doing his best to be calm. He hated seeing her this way, but he knew he needed to be the strong one now, even if that was normally her role.

“How can you not be… disgusted by what I just told you?” She asked damply, sniffing again, and wiping her face inelegantly with the back of her hand, blinking several times to clear the tears from her eyes.

Harvey fished a handkerchief from his pocket and offered it to her. “Because you’re my favorite person in the world, and I love you so very much.” He smiled, feeling a bit shy and awkward. “I think you should talk to some of the other mothers in town… or if you aren’t comfortable with that, find a support group online. You cannot possibly be the only woman to feel this way. I of course cannot know what it feels like to be pregnant, but… it is not surprising at all that the physical changes may be disturbing. I’m no obstetrician but I have treated pregnant women before.”

“…I… thought about reaching out to Doctor Delecroix… I hadn’t talked to her in a while, but she always makes time for me if I need it…” Aura admitted, hesitantly. Aura’s therapist was a big believer in the power of the internet and was more than willing to have video chats with patients if they couldn’t make it to her office in Zuzu City, even a patient she was no longer seeing regularly, such as Aura.

“If you think it will help, then you should.” She’d stopped trembling, at least. “You’re not doing this alone,” Harvey added. “It will be a big change, it’s true… but it’s a change we’ll navigate together.”

“Just… just admitting how I’ve been feeling… It does help, a little…” Aura said slowly. “I’m still scared, but…right now, at least… I feel… I feel a little better… I…” She hesitated a moment. “I do want this baby, you know… I just… I didn’t expect to have all these mixed feelings.”

Harvey pressed a kiss to her forehead. “We’re doing this together,” He repeated. He’d say it as often as he had to. “We’re not just a team, we’re a family. No matter what happens. You, me, the little one…” There was a soft thud and a little “mrrrp” as Murphy returned to the bed, making his way to Aura’s lap and purring as Harvey stroked his head. “And him,” Harvey added. “We’d never forget you,” he said with a chuckle as the cat shoved his blocky head up into Harvey’s hand.

“I was so afraid that you’d be hurt if I admitted how I’ve been feeling…that… that was the worst part…” Aura said quietly, rubbing at her cheeks again. “I’m sorry if you were…”

“I was only worried about you,” Harvey said as they took turns petting the cat, who settled into a happy loaf on Aura’s lap, reveling in the attention. “Please don’t ever suffer in silence… our little one has a lot of growing to do yet, and I’ll do whatever I can to keep her mother happy.”

“Her?” Aura chuckled. “We can’t possibly know the sex yet. Besides, I thought all men wanted sons.”

Harvey shrugged. “Whenever I imagine it… I see a girl. Someone who will grow up as strong and beautiful and brave as her mother.” He leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers. “Though I wouldn’t say no to eventually having an assortment.”

She snorted and tilted her head a bit so she could kiss him lightly. “How about we make sure everyone survives this one before we talk about assortments… I’m still not loving the physical side of all this. I’m afraid I may be difficult to live with the next several months…I’ll… I’ll try my best to not be a complete monster.”

“Just be honest with me about your feelings, and I’ll extend you the same courtesy.” It was Harvey’s turn to initiate a kiss, brief and tender though it was.

“I…I should get back out there…” Aura said reluctantly, swinging her legs off the bed. “Got a few things that need doing before the day’s over.”

Harvey wanted to argue, to insist that she stay in and rest, but he didn’t have the heart to try to cage her now. “Go and do whatever you need to do… just be careful, please… and I’ll have a bath and dinner waiting for you when you get back.” He caught her hand as she nudged the cat off her lap and stood up. “And as for whether or not the baby will hurt our relationship… of course I can’t see the future, but… I can’t imagine any outcome apart from loving you more.” Harvey felt his cheeks heating in the familiar old blush that she could manifest in him with little more than a smile.

“I…” Aura gave a brittle little laugh and pulled his knuckles to her lips, giving them a brief kiss. “I don’t deserve you, you know.”

“I’ve told you before that you should let me be the judge of that.” Harvey answered as she quickly wound her hair into a loose braid.

“And you’ll… you’ll tell me if you have things you’re worried about, right? Or if I do or say something to hurt you? You won’t suffer in silence either?” She asked pointedly.

“I promise,” Harvey answered as she headed towards the door. “I love you, Aura.”

She paused at the doorway and blew him a kiss with a weary chuckle. “I love you, too, Harvey. Thank you… for being you. I couldn’t ask for a better partner.”

Harvey smiled as she left the room, listening to her footsteps fade. Murphy shoved his head against Harvey’s arm, and he gave the cat a stroke. “Well, boy… life isn’t simple even when you do have everything you want,” he said to the cat. “But we’ll just have to do our best and look after each other… it’s all anyone can do, I suppose.”

[bitchloveskcbaseball]

Tripping Over Myself

Pairing: Logan x OC (Charlotte Wheeler)

Summary: Charlotte’s not the best at communicating and it gets her in a bit of trouble. (takes place shortly after Drawn to a Flame)

Warnings: Language. Lots and lots of language. Seriously...so many f-words. lol Also, mentions of her previous car accident (it’s not super detailed, but it is brought up a few times) and her resulting injuries.

Word Count: 5525. I swear ... I was certain this was going to be nothing more than maybe 2k words. And then this happened and the thing that I wanted to happen in this fic didn’t even happen so that’s fun lol

Logan belongs to Pixelberry, but the other two lovelies are all mine.

A/N #1: This was written for @rodappreciationweek​ MC day. And sticking with the theme from the first two pieces in this series, I have pulled the title from the lyrics of Shawn Mendes’s Stitches.

Also... a huge huge thank you to @burnsoslow for reading a piece of this that had me chasing my tail for what seemed like forever and fixing it for me. You are the best!!

“Hey hey hey! The hell you think you’re doin?”

Freezing mid step to turn back around to where Paul was glaring at her from his now-seated position where he'd rolled out from under her car on his creeper, Charlotte scrunched her nose up in confusion. “You were bitchin’ that you didn’t have your 3/8 down there. Figured I’d grab it so you’d stop muttering to yourself.”

“I had one rule for letting you stay after you showed up here today. And I made it explicitly clear.”

“But – “

“No. No buts.”

“C’mon Paul! You can’t seriously expect me to sit on that damn stool the entire time we’re here. I am fully capable of walking to the toolbox and grabbing a goddamn socket!”

“Lottie, sweetheart. You are still healing. You need to take it easy.” Instead of the calming effect she was sure he was shooting for, the soft gentleness of Paul’s voice just reminded her of an adult trying to calm a child who was in the middle of throwing a massive tantrum. And that ratcheted her mild frustration up until she was actually throwing a damn fit.

“For fuck’s sake! I know I’m fucking hurt. But I’m not a complete invalid. I don’t think me taking three fucking steps across this damn storage unit and picking up a tool that weighs a few ounces is going to do me in when a fucking slab of concrete didn’t!” Her hands flew up to steeple across her nose and mouth. “Shit. Paul – “

Gaze firmly locked on his white-knuckled grip on his wrench, Paul cut her off with a slight shake of his head. “Nah. It’s … it’s fine, sweetheart.”

In two shaky steps, Charlotte was across the unit and gingerly kneeling in front of him. Slowly, as if she were approaching a spooked cat, she eased the wrench out of his hold so she could wrap his hand in her own. “No. It’s not ‘fine.’ I … I shouldn’t have said that. I promised I’d stop acting so nonchalant about the accident.” Before he could interject, she nudged his knee with her own. “Shush, lover. I really am so incredibly sorry. I shouldn’t have lashed out like that. You’re only trying to look out for me. And I appreciate that more than I could ever say.”

Finally lifting his head from staring at the floor between them, Paul’s teary eyes met hers, twisting her heart even harder. In barely a whisper, he asked, “The hell did you have to go there for?”

Letting out a harsh sigh, Charlotte stood up and whirled around. It was a motion she instantly regretted when every thing went a little off kilter and her vision started to swim. Ugh! Not this shit again. She fought against the urge to lean against the work bench to her right, not wanting Paul to decide that she needed to be taken home: that was the last place she wanted to be at that particular moment.

“Lottie?”

Finally giving up any thoughts she'd had of blowing off his question with the pretense of being fine, she practically exploded, “Ugh. I’m just … I’m so fucking tired of all the hovering!” Her fist closed around one of the lug-nut caps that were lined up on the bench, waiting patiently for the new wheels and tires that had yet to be ordered to be installed. The urge to hurl it at the closed roll-up door was only eclipsed by the desire to not mar its mirror-like finish: finding replacements that matched the original set from L.A. was hard enough the first time and she certainly didn’t want to have to do it again because she'd briefly lost her damn mind. So she forced herself to replace it into its previous spot and let out another, albeit quieter, sigh. “Look … I love Logan, ok? Like all that head over heels, all my heart bullshit? I feel all of it for him. With him. But fuck it all. He has barely given me six inches to breathe since he showed up in my damn living room. I know it's only been a few weeks, but it has felt like years and not in a good way. I mean, I had to sneak out of my own fucking home just to come down here today!”

“Sweetheart – “

“I know. And I get it. I scared the shit out of him. Hell, I scared the shit outta both of you guys. But … “ Finally turning back around – slowly and carefully this time -- to face Paul again, she let her shoulders sag. “I can’t live with someone micromanaging every second of my day. Every move I make. I … I cannot go back to that kinda life.”

Stepping up to stand in front of her, Paul gently rubbed his hands up and down her upper arms. “Have you talked to him? Told him all this?”

She laughed bitterly. “I have tried. So many times over the past few weeks. But every time I try to bring this or anything remotely related to the accident up, he just completely shuts down on me.” Voice breaking with the tears she was fighting to hold back, she muttered, “I can’t lose him again. But I can’t keep doing this either.”

“C’mere.” Careful of her still-casted arm and still-tender ribs, he wrapped his arms around her. Instinctively she tucked her face against his neck, letting his presence soothe her. After several silent moments, he pressed a kiss to her temple and asked, “You want me to talk to him ‘bout it?”

“As much as I would love for you to do that … you can’t. I have to be the one to get through to him if this is really going to work between us.”

Tightening his hug ever-so-slightly, Paul kissed her temple again. “I’m so proud of you, Lottie.”

“For what?”

“The girl I met a lil over a year ago would never.”

Pushing back from him enough to see his face, she narrowed her eyes at him as she tried to decipher his meaning. When she came up empty, she questioned him, point blank, “The hell nonsense are you talkin’ about?”

“When you first started pestering me at the sideshows, trying to bully me into giving you a spot in one of the races. You had everything so locked down, I’m not sure a stick of dynamite would have gotten you to open up. Even after I succumbed to my still-ongoing case of Stockholm Syndrome oof – “ using her cast to knock him in the stomach may not have been her smartest idea, but it was still an effective form of retaliation – “and we started hanging out more, you kept most of your feelings tucked away in that vault. I mean, sure, you eventually let me in, little by little … but, my point is, I’m proud of you for admitting how you are feeling.”

Despite the way her eyes rolled exaggeratedly, she couldn’t keep her lips from twitching with the smile threatening to break out across her face. “Would you shut up already?”

“Only after we circle back to that bit about you sneaking out to come down here. Thought you said Logan drove you?”

“Um … how ‘bout we go back to you singing my praises?” All she got in response was a stare down from Paul, so she relented with a sigh. “Fine. I noticed Logan had dozed off, so I slipped out and called a cab to bring me down.” When his eyes went wide, she held up her free hand and quickly added, “I left him a note. I’m not the one that just vanishes without a trace.” The venom in her words caught even her by surprise.

“Maybe without a trace. But never without a conversation.”

“Ugh.” Charlotte’s head fell forward so that her forehead was resting against his chest, grumbling, “Thought you were ‘posed to be my friend and stick up for me?” He shot her a knowing look, but she continued on before he could launch into the spiel she'd already heard dozens of times before. “Fine. Ok. You win. Save the damn lecture and put the time to better use. Say … running me home?”

Laughing, Paul retorted, “Bout freakin’ time, sweetheart.”

A short time later, Paul was pulling up to the curb in front of her apartment building. Mind already running through the things that she needed to say to Logan as she reached for the door handle, she jumped when Paul’s hand came to rest lightly on her shoulder. “Don’t I even get a ‘goodbye’ or ‘thank you’ first?”

“Shit! I’m sorry! Thank you so much. For letting me hang. For forcing me to talk this shit out. For bringing my ass home.”

Chuckling indulgently, he told her, “You’re welcome. For everything.” She once again started to climb from the car, but stopped when he continued, “But, I need you to promise me that you won’t sneak out like this again.”

Chuckling indulgently, she shrugged her shoulders and opened her door before tossing back, “I would, but I don’t make promises I’m not sure I can keep.”

The glare she got in response was stern, but the effect was all but negated by the warmth in his voice as he threatened, “Fine. Lemme put it to ya this way, sweetheart. If you do it again, I’m dumping your ass. For real.”

She waited until she’d stepped out and up onto the sidewalk before she turned around to say, “It’s so adorable when you act like you could live without me, lover,” before turning to walk through the front door, blowing him a kiss from over her shoulder.

As she crossed the lobby towards the elevator bank, her eyes caught on the Out of Service sign and she let out a groan. Despite her annoyance, Charlotte didn’t blink an eye before heading for the staircase, figuring it was only a minor inconvenience. Especially since, at her last appointment, the first thing she’d asked once her doctor had mentioned that she was good to start easing back into very light physical activity was if she was okay to take the stairs to her apartment, because the ancient elevators were constantly having issues and she knew that having the freedom to move around more meant nothing if she couldn’t get in and out of her damn apartment. While he wasn’t exactly thrilled at the prospect, he assured her that she’d be fine so long as she took it slowly and carefully. Still, she knew even with the green light from her doctor, it was going to feel like a trek after having spent so long doing little more than traversing the path between her bed and her couch.

True to her expectations, by the time she’d gotten to the second floor, she was definitely more winded than she’d usually be and her entire body was beginning to take on that achy feel of being suddenly being forced to work. But neither of those things is what had her slumping against the wall with a white-knuckled grip on the handrail. No, that was brought on by the way the world had seemingly begun to spin around her, setting her completely off balance.

What could have been five minutes or five hours later, she chanced peeking an eye open, but the vibrant mosaic tile pattern of the stairs was still swirling and swimming about in front of her, causing her to slam it back closed and drop her head back – gently – against the wall. Frustrated that the only change in how she felt was the deep churning and roiling in her gut, she finally acknowledged that she wasn’t going to be making it up the rest of the way on her own and pulled her phone from her pocket to call Logan.

Without opening her eyes, she placed her finger over the fingerprint reader, waiting for the digital clicking sound that signaled it had been unlocked, but it never came. Steeling herself for the unsettling sensations that were about to wash over her, she once again peeled an eye open and pressed the power button to wake up the screen. A loud groan escaped her when the screen remained dark, reminding her that she had forgotten to charge it the night before.

Faced with the unsettling choice of either continuing on in spite of the vertigo – which seemed risky, even by her standards – or staying in her spot for who knows how long until the episode passed, Charlotte couldn’t hold back the sobs building in the back of her throat or the tears welling in the corners of her eyes as she slid down the wall to sit on the step. All she wanted, with a desperation she hadn’t felt since those first few weeks after he'd walked away the last time in L.A., was for Logan to wrap her in his arms. To whisper all of his sweet reassurances in her ear. To be the calm and steady force that centered her through the storm.

Almost as if her longing thoughts had conjured him, he was suddenly there, hands running gently over her arms and then brushing away her tears as he rattled off question after question, not leaving her space to actually answer one before moving on to the next. It was just as well, however, considering her addled mind couldn’t seem to make any sort of sense out of the words, choosing instead to latch onto the strained breathlessness with which they were uttered.

Wanting, or rather needing, to reassure him that, while she felt awful, she was wasn’t in mortal danger, she blindly reached out until her fingers brushed against the familiar, well-worn softness of his favorite denim shirt. As she ran her fingers across what she recognized as his chest, his free hand came up to tangle gently in her hair and she sank into the touch. A beat later, his forehead was resting against hers and she couldn’t have missed the shudder that ran through his body or the shaky exhale that passed his lips if she’d tried.

Charlotte’s fingers curled around the button-lined edge of shirt and she whispered, “It’s okay baby. I’m okay,” so softly she was surprised when she felt his answering scoff fan across her face, confirming that he had actually heard her.

Instead of a snarky retort or censuring lecture she was expecting to hear, the next words out of Logan’s mouth were simply, “You good if I pick you up?”

Her eyes shot open at the almost frigid indifference in his voice and the sight in front of her knocked the wind out of her like a punch to the gut. His brows were deeply furrowed and his lips were pursed together so tightly that they were barely visible. It was one thing to know that he was worried and upset – she’d felt it in his every tentative touch -- but it was something else entirely to see it.

Wanting nothing more than to ease some of his tension, she trailed her fingers up from his chest along the side of his neck and face, across his forehead until she could smooth them along the deep-set lines running between his eyebrows. It was a left-over habit from when she’d briefly moved into his loft in L.A., one that had never failed to relax him. This time, unfortunately, it didn’t have the same effect and her heart sunk just a little bit deeper into her stomach. Feeling defeated, she let her hand, along with her gaze, drop back down to her lap as she answered his question, “Yeah. I think the dizziness is mostly gone now. So long as we take it slow, I should be fine.”

Without hesitation, Logan pulled back enough to push himself up out of his crouch and it took everything she had not to whine at the loss. Within seconds, he was leaning back down to wrap one arm around her back while the other slid underneath her knees. Instinctively, Charlotte wrapped her free arm around his neck and as soon as she did, he was standing back up and tucking her against his chest, making sure to be mindful of both the strap of the sling across her back and the bulkiness of her cast. He spared her one glance with a raised eyebrow, but immediately averted his eyes when she assured him, “I’m good.”

Despite the way that he was cradling her so carefully in his arms as he carried her up the next two flights of stairs, with what seemed like no effort at all, it felt to her as if there was an entire canyon between them. Not once did he look down at her. Not once did he even twitch as if he was thinking of dropping a kiss to the top of her head. Not once did he open his mouth as if to say something to her. Even when she had to drop her head against his shoulder as a wave of nausea threatened to overwhelm her, the heavy silence remained.

As soon as they were back inside the apartment, Logan settled her gently onto the couch then turned to grab his pillow and a blanket from the pile of bedding he made each morning when he folded the pull-out away. Wordlessly, he tucked the blanket tightly around her – just the way she needs to be able to sleep alone. As he was reaching up to place the pillow beneath her head, she caught his wrist in her hand, whispering his name beneath her breath. Rather than make eye contact with her, he simply shook his head once and slipped away from her grip.

Stung by his rejection, Charlotte didn’t try to stop him again as he left the room. Instead, she curled up into as tight of a ball as she could on her good side, letting the scent of him on the pillow and blanket take over her senses until she was slowly drifting off into a blessedly dreamless sleep.

By the time that she woke up, the living room was cast in complete darkness, save for the bright green LED light letting her know her phone was finished charging. Lotta good that does me now. She blinked a few times in an effort to get her eyes to adjust to the lack of lighting, but still could barely make out the outlines of the rest of the furniture surrounding her. Even still, she knew Logan wasn’t in the room with her: she could always feel his presence when they were in the same space and that feeling was noticeably absent as she slowly pushed herself up to sit on the edge of the couch.

After giving herself a couple of minutes to make sure she wasn’t going to be dizzy again, she got up and headed towards the kitchen, figuring that would be his most likely location. Sure enough, she found him there, perched on one of the oversized chairs that in no way matched the tiny, shitty-ass excuse for a dining table that he currently had his forearms resting on. He was staring at the wall in front of him so intently that he didn’t even seem to hear her enter the room. Or, at least, that's what she was choosing to believe.

With just a couple more steps, she was able to close the distance between them, allowing her the ability to wrap arms around him from behind. She never made it that far, however, because as soon as her palms made contact with his shoulders, he startled and tensed beneath her touch. She opened her mouth to apologize for scaring him, but he cut her off before she had the chance, seething quietly, “Don’t you dare pull that fucking shit again.”

“Excuse me?”

“You can’t just sneak out without a word and then not answer your damned phone for five hours and expect me to be okay with it!”

“Okay, one? I left you a note telling you where I went. Two? As you clearly have already figured out, my fucking phone was dead. I didn’t even realize it until I was on my way back up here!”

Standing up from the chair so fast that he nearly knocked it – and her – over, Logan whipped around to face her, eyes wild with fury. “So one irresponsibility is just supposed to excuse another?”

Charlotte gave up all pretense of trying to stay calm, throwing her hands up in the air as she shouted, “For fuck’s sake, Logan! You knew where I was! If you were that damned desperate to get ahold of me, why didn’t you just call Paul?”

“I did. He wasn’t answering his goddamn phone either! By the time he finally did pick up, it was over half an hour after he’d dropped you off.” While he’d started off yelling at her in a volume that rivaled her own, Logan had trailed of into little more than a whisper by the time he was done. And that cut her deeper than the loudest insults ever could.

Unsure of how to respond, Charlotte reached up to fiddle with his spark plug necklace. It was something that had become a somewhat-nervous habit for her when he’d given it to her back in L.A. and she’d picked it up again once she’d begun wearing it almost constantly after their reunion. That simple, unthinking motion ended up being the answer to her loss of words, however, when the cool weight of it in her hand, combined with all the emotions running rampant through the room, sparked the memory of how she’d come to possess it in the first place.

“Logan, baby.” She paused, waiting until he looked up from the floor to meet her gaze before continuing gently, “You remember what you told me when you gave this to me?”

He raised an eyebrow at her as if asking her where she was going with this abrupt subject change. When she didn’t give him an answer, he let out a harsh sigh before replying, “Not entirely. I remember it was before the Grapevine job. Something about it keeping you safe like it did for me?”

“Yeah, that was part of it. You also told me how you came to wear it, too. How you'd survived a crash that you probably shouldn’t have.”

Rolling his eyes and throwing his hands up in the air, Logan sniped, “Okay … so? What's the point of this random-ass trip down memory lane?”

“You told me that you’d almost died. In a car accident. Right before we were about to go steal four very expensive sport cars. And we were going to steal them off a car hauler on the freeway, no less.” As if he had suddenly figured out where she was going with this, his eyes widened before narrowing on her. He opened his mouth, but she held up her hand to stop him. “I’m not gonna lie. As much as I was so touched that you were giving me something that meant so much to you? The story behind it fucking terrified me. Because if you – who had been driving so long and had so much skill at it – could wreck like that, what chance did I have at holding up my end of the bargain? Not to mention, just the idea of you getting hurt almost sent me into a tailspin. And I’m not so sure that that wasn’t your plan all along.”

“I – “

Walking over to wrap her arm around his neck, she kissed first his cheek and then his lips briefly and tenderly. When he didn’t tense up or pull away from her, she chanced nuzzling her face into the crook of his neck. “I know, baby. You were just doing whatever you could think of to keep me safe. I understand that. And I understand that the result of me being a complete dumbass during that race scared the shit out of you. But I’m still here. I’m still alive. And today’s episode notwithstanding, I’ve been feeling really good. So this whole, hovering-over-me thing? The it’s-too-dangerous-out-there-thing you’ve been doing? It’s smothering me and I … I just can’t do it. It took me far too long to escape it with Wheeler. Far too long to find the strength to realize that it was okay – more than okay – to be who I wanted to be regardless of whether the people in my life accepted it. So … as much as I hate worrying you, I cannot go back to that old, boring version of myself, the one that never really felt like me, just because it's safer.”

Logan inhaled sharply and hands tightened ever so slightly where they had been resting on her hips since she'd tucked herself into him. A couple long beats passed before he finally muttered, “You know, you seemed to have skipped over the most important part of that story, though.”

Face scrunched up, she asked, “Yeah?”

“Yeah. That wasn’t just me giving you a good luck token. That was me trying to tell you not only to make sure you’re always in control, but also to make sure you learn from life's lessons.”

“I know.”

“Do you, though?”

Taken aback by Logan’s abrasiveness, Charlotte stumbled back a step, only to be met by narrowed eyes boring into her. “I ... I … I do.”

“Sure doesn’t seem like it from where I’m standing.”

“Logan – “

“Do you even realize how fucking stupid that stunt you pulled today was? What if that episode had hit when you were out there on the streets somewhere? All alone?”

Even though she knew his point was valid, Charlotte couldn’t bite back her derisive scoff. “First of all, I was literally by myself when it happened, so yeah, I have a decent idea.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

Continuing on as if she hadn’t heard his outburst, she added heatedly, “Second, the only time I was by myself today was on the elevator ride down to the lobby, the walk from my cab to Paul’s storage unit and back here in the stairwell. It’s not like I was fucking gallivanting around the whole goddamn city.”

“For fuck’s sake! It’s not – you know what? Just forget it.” Throwing his hands up, Logan turned to storm out of the room.

“Sure. Just ru … run away. It’s – “ Tears that she refused to let fall clogged her throat and she pressed her lips together in an attempt to gather her composure. She realized, however, that the damage had been done, her stuttering robbing her words of their intended venom, so she pressed on with a watery whisper, “It’s what you do best.”

Practically freezing mid-step, he pivoted back around to face her, hands scrubbing at his face. “Damn it, Char. I’m not running away.” Shoulders falling when she rolled her eyes at him, he quickly closed the distance between them to lace their fingers together and insisted, “I’m not.”

“Then why – “

Without warning, Logan crushed his lips to hers in a kiss that left her short of breath when he finally pulled back just far enough to murmur, “’Cause you refuse to acknowledge how fucking reckless you’ve been and it is frustrating the ever livin’ shit outta me. And it just felt like it was better to walk away than say something I’d regret. Something just to hurt you. I don’t want … I can’t hurt you like that.”

Charlotte pulled back a little bit further to meet him square in the eye. “Future reference? Words are no big deal. You walking away? That’s the shit I can’t handle.”

Tangling his free hand in the hair at the base of her head, he gently pulled her face back so he could feather another kiss across her lips before replying, “Noted.” Another barely-there kiss. “Thing I can’t handle?” A slight tug of her bottom lip between his teeth that pulled a sharp gasp from her. “You not takin’ this shit seriously.”

This time, instead of leaning in again, Logan pulled pack just a bit further. She tried chasing after him, but he maintained their separation until she dropped her head back with a groan.

“You even listenin’ to me?”

“Um … yes?”

“Charlotte.”

“Hey!” She tried to glare at him, but instead ended up giggling, “You were the one distracting me!” When he leaned back in for another kiss, Charlotte dipped back as far as she could. “See! You’re doin’ it again!”

“Answer the question and I’ll stop.”

“What if I don’t want you to stop?”

Shaking his head at her with a familiar and fond smile tugging the corners of his mouth upward, he chuckled, “Okay … Answer the question or I’ll stop.” As if to emphasize his point, he pulled his hand out of hers and untangled his other from her hair to place them both on her hips to keep her planted to her spot when he took a step backwards.

Making sure to soften her words with a smile, Charlotte grumbled, “Ugh. Fine. If you’re gonna be so cruel about it … “ A light pinch pulled another giggle from her. “Okay. Okay. Yes, I heard you.”

“And?”

“And … I get it.” The incredulous look he gave her almost had her flinching. “Look, I get that I haven’t been the most … appreciative for the way that you’ve been taking care of me. And I get that I can’t go back to ‘normal’ just because I want to.”

“Char – “

“Hold up! I’m not finished!” Stopping to heave a frustrated sigh, she continued, “I’m going to do better from here on out. I’m gonna take it easy until the doctors clear me. I’ll do a better job of listening to my body when it starts telling me to take a break. And I’ll stop fighting you so much about it.”

“Not stop all the way, huh?”

“I think we both know me better than that.”

Pressing a kiss to the tip of her nose, he snickered, “Okay, that’s fair. That mean we’re done with this sneaking-out shit, then?”

Raising an eyebrow defiantly, she fired back, “Depends.”

“On?”

“Are you done with all your helicopter shit? Because if you are? Then yes. I’m done sneaking out.”

Logan studied her face with an inscrutable expression on his own for what felt like hours before nodding his head once. “Fine. I’ll chill out so long as you behave.”

Wrapping her arm around his neck with a smile, she told him, “I’m so glad we got that settled. I hate fighting with you.”

“God, me too. Are you as exhausted as I am?”

Charlotte snorted as she dropped her head against his chest. “Oh, my god. You have no idea.”

“Why don’t we call it a night, then?”

The hopefulness in Logan’s voice almost made her snicker, but she managed to smother it by placing a kiss to a spot right above his heart. “That sounds like a great idea, so long as we go together tonight.

The words were barely out of her mouth before he was nodding eagerly and answering, “Done.”

A/N #2: Just in case any one is wondering (since I haven’t written about Paul and Charlotte’s friendship nearly as much as I have wanted to) and also because I just really want to share this tidbit behind Charlotte’s nickname for Paul. When the two of them first started to become friends, the way Paul was always calling her “sweetheart” drove her absolutely crazy for reasons I may actually write about at some point? lol so she decided to retaliate by calling him “lover.” Unfortunately for her, however he didn’t mind, so it obviously didn’t have the desired effect. Eventually, it became a habit of affection and each of their nicknames stuck. Thank you for indulging me in this moment of ridiculousness

Perma Tags: @burnsoslow​ @mvalentine​ @anotherbeingsworld​ @adiehardfan​

Logan Tags: @brightpinkpeppercorn