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oh goodie charles will defend for carlos bc he knows what the term teammate means and he’ll actually listen to team orders and
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summary of bad things that have occurred starting in mid december to today:
fractured toe
got covid after managing to avoid it up until now
it's been nearly a month and i am still experiencing lingering symptoms (coughing, my favorite foods no longer being appealing, fatigue, worse asthma, rib/chest pain, congestion)
300 dollar water bill and likely another v expensive water bill to be expected soon since maintenance didn't fix the cause until recently (and i am still not confident that they actually fixed the issue)
got v unexpectedly laid off with 30 days notice
found out that i actually only have a week before i am unemployed and only 2 weeks' severance
my car's ac stopped working again barely a week after i got it fixed so there is almost definitely a leak that will need to also be repaired
dental trouble (a lot to explain but tldr teeth suck insurance sucks and everything is expensive)
which i guess summarizes a lot of this list lmao everything sucks and is expensive
#i am extremely depressed#should also be stressed but i just feel drained and numbed tbh#i really really want to do something fun between now and getting a new job but idk what#but things are expensive and/or the weather isn't right for most things i would want to do#like go to the beach#personal
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i love tiktok. someone just said im doing a bad job tucking in my cosplays. so im going to be thinking about that for the rest of the day.
#babygirl do i have some extraordinary news for you#i am doing extremely poorly right now in terms of my mental health#but thank god tiktok is there to throw some insane curveball commentary at me that confuses me so much#it momentarily pauses my depression because im too busy reeling from the words someone typed and then i subsequently had to read#theres so many ways i can take this goof i dont know where to start#diagnosed phantom penis
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baldur’s gate 3 really is the game of all time for the gays who want to celebrate both sad pathetic wet men AND women’s wrongs
#baldur’s gate 3#bg3#astarion#minthara#minthara baenre#i am still thinking about that post i saw a couple of days ago#where OP was mad about men being categorized as babygirls and women as the only braincell havers#and OP was right that the latter girlboss-ification of women while subsequently never letting the narrative focus on them#(or having fandoms actually focus on them)#is depressing and exhausting#but that’s why!!! bg3 is so great imo!!!#the women characters in bg3 are absolutely the main appeal of this game!!#like yes astarion is extremely popular and with good reason#but he is not the only character with a delightfully feral and dedicated fan base happy to excuse all his wrongs because of his big sad eyes#/flourishes both hands @ minthara baenre will smith style#look at this sad war criminal and her big sad eyes and her arrogance and her insecurity#and her devastating sense of humour#she is hyperfixation material
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nui shenanigans
#doodles#duck scribbles#midoyuzu#yuzumido#hi ive been in an absolute Situation lately 👍 gonna drop off the face of the earth again so long fellas#enstars#yuzuru fushimi#midori takamine#what if we had nuis of each other and i made nui me kiss your nui.........#have barely been drawing lately outside of work burnout eating me alive for real 😔#the horrors and depression and dysphoria may be unrelenting but mf so am i!!!!!!!!!#ahhh im behind on comms too i am extremely sorry 🙇♂️ gonna try get on top of those as best as i can#hoping to at least get out of my rut in time for the es rarepair week too tho o9#survived fragrance on engstars w 2 naru copies 👍👍👍 girl help i dojt want to open the game for another month or so but alas. valk ss next#damn im rambling again. anyways aaaaaaaaaaaa i wanna drawi wanna draw
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so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-
but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again
(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)
i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)
weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward
but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.
right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#ganondoodles rants#sorta#suicide attempt mention in the IRL stuff im talking about in the following tags btw#theres some construction stuff on our house going on#and my father is extremely stressed about it#he used to be very explosive- being silent and then exploding out of nowhere .. probably left me with lasting damage yippie-#but now he much more lets it eat at himself bc hes old and feels bad for the past stuff so now it makes him irritated and depressed#my older brother is the most normal cis straight guy you can imagine and incredibly impatient and bossy (you CANNOT talk with him)#(brother doesnt live in our house)#and while hes helping out hes doing it exactly how my father doesnt like and since you cant talk to the guy (explosive +200) it stresses hi#to the point of my father yesterday saying that “it would have been better if i had just died back in the day”#likely referring to the time when he was drafted for the military against his will and tried to kill himself#which i learned only like .. a year ago- theres so little my parents tell me ....#its like my mother telling me- while my father was in hospital for heart surgery- that she not only almost died back when i was a young tee#and only survived bc of some incredibly unebelievable lucky coincidences (medics on a travel being there that knew what she had-#-while our local doctors said welp- nothing we can do lady AND them beign there with a helicopter and emergency transferring her#to antoher bigger hospital while giving her immediate treatment our local one didnt do- AND at the big one just so happened to have-#-an expert on that illness in the facility when she arrived who was able to narrrowly save her life#BUT ALSO while she was recovering and weak and frail as a dust bunny witnessing someone stealing hospital surplies-#not noticing she was in the room at first (which .. the nurses left her in the nurse room while going on break ... which uhm .. yeah cool)#and if my mother hadnt acted in time like she was fully asleep and the lady stealing stuff beign in hurry- she might have killed her#without my mother being able to fight back bc she could barely even talk (the nurses didnt want to believe her when they got back either)#ANYWAY that comment from my father brough me to tears#and my mom is trying out more ... other medication shes not prescribed in hopes of it helping agaisnt her many pains#but i worry it will interact with the other stuff shes on ...#and i worry so much about both of their mental and physical well being#always trying to be the one to calm them down or help with communication bc that is a big problem in this houesehold#but i myself am also a very much not normal and not medicated shut in who has trouble dealing even with my own feelings
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starting to feel my enjoyment of cooking seeping back in after a long period of intense burnout that had me really slogging along preparing meals with gritted teeth for a good month there. i credit the return of this spark to the much needed break i took on our 3 day vacation that resulted in us eating solely theme park food. while delicious, in all its greasy overpriced glory, i found myself missing the kitchen. so last night for dinner i made heavily spiced chicken wings with crushed peppercorns and garam masala that rendered slowly in its own fat while roasting in the oven, resulting in flavorful charred crisp skin and a really juicy bite. we picked them clean over steamed rice with lime and scallions. i also baked a loaf of marbled pumpkin and dark chocolate bread yesterday for my neighbor as a thank you for doing me a favor last week. it looked delicious. the crumb was tender and plush and velvety, the spiced ginger molasses pumpkin batter swirling alongside the bitter dark chocolate espresso batter, with puddles of dark chocolate bubbling across its top. it looked so lovely i whipped up a second one for us to have for ourselves that's in the oven now, i think it could be a really good breakfast pastry for us this week.
#ugh it feels sooooooooo good to be enjoying cooking again#it was so bad the last like month or so i just#have been sooooo burnt out#it's genuinely insane what a 3 day vacation can do to reset you :(( it makes me sad lol#i wish that everyone could rest to their hearts content forever#i think i am someone who is extremely prone to burnout and i need about quadruple the amount of quiet alone resting time#that the average person does#so when i get burned out its like excruciating to pull myself out of it again#but im also the primary cook of my household so there isn't really time to take a break and recharge and find my joy for it because#we have to eat lol#3 times a day#every day#forever#BUT#i am feeling so much better about things now after making that dinner and baking a little bit#its feeling soooo autumnal around here lately too which helps#the changing of the seasons is so good for my cooking motivationg#idk#i was feeling pretty depressed that i was starting to resent cooking for a while there since when i enjoy it it's like#life-giving#soul sustaining#wonderful hobby that gives my life purpose and meaning#and it was breaking my heart that i wasn't feeling that way anymore#but i can feel myself coming back#writing about food helps me too#something about describing it#and sharing it with other people who are delighted by it#makes me enjoy it a little extra#sigh#i feel like im returning to myself finally !!!
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NEW COALECROUX ANGST JUST UNLOCKED, I AM ACTUALLY CRYING
#i am going to kill myself#gideon will be forced to see his husband die before him and that makes me extremely depressed#BARON SAMEDI MAKE KREMY LIVE AS LONG AS GIDEON AND MY LIFE IS YOURS#coalecroux
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i'm into horror for a lot of reasons, but one of them is that it has this capability for externalising a kind of violence that is often only felt, not seen. my favourite works of horror use experiences like mental illness or oppression as springboards - they elevate psychological terror into something you can actually see and fight against. like, yeah, depression DOES sometimes feel like you have a monster living in your cellar that nobody can see except you! puberty DOES sometimes feel like you're transforming into something weird and dangerous! that's why i often find horror movies so cathartic - even comforting, in some cases.
and that's why i originally started to explore splatterpunk - because i read exquisite corpse and loved it, because it was a queer novel by a queer author that took the political violence of the aids crisis and made it literal, blew it up to a monstrous scale that matched the monstrous pain felt by the victims and their families. it felt genuinely subversive. it felt visceral. and then i read a bunch of other splatterpunk fiction, and was disappointed to discover that most of it was just an excuse for men to self-publish their badly-written snuff porn.
#if you've followed me for any amount of time you'll know that i am profoundly anti-censorship and pro-sicknasty fiction#and i usually try to separate the author's identity from their work#but i have no stomach for stories by cishet men that are committed to exploring all the ways in which a woman's body can be brutalised.#it is not interesting to me. i don't enjoy it#unfortunately that seems to make up the vast majority of the current extreme horror market#depressing!#violence cw#rape cw#horror tag
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Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again
#pls dont read if you cant handle venting and whining#once again i am here to say that i am the loneliest person alive and i feel like i can’t grasp the basic consept of friendship and do it lol#like idk how to be friends#i feel like i will forever be sad and lonely#and i know everyone will say you can talk to me and i know that but i’ve just been by myself for so long that i don’t remember how to have#actual conversations with people i feel like i am disconnected from reality#i feel like i am an extremely unlikeable person and that’s why i was all alone in highschool and idk i am oversharing on the internet again#because it’s the only place i kind of feel safe doing it#pls take care of yourselves first before comfoting me or anything im sorry i sound very pathetic#how do i start living again#how does one live anyway#im just in my head all the time#this was supposed to be hot girl summer but it’s once again summertime sadness#im so stupid!!!#im so anxious and depressed that i dont know what to do with myself#im so sorry for oversharing i have a therapist dont worry im kind of taking care of myself#but the eternal loneliness just wont let me go#idk how to be a person anymore#i’m just sad#thinking of going to a church and pretend to be a believer so i could have a community again lol
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Say hiii to baby Chantilly
#I didn't post about it but Saddie passed on November 1st last year#And I have been extremely depressed since as I am someone who Needs a dog but didn't want to jump into a new one. Bc the grief#Which honestly just kept getting worse and worse. So . Welcome baby Chantilly who was an oops puppy I got for free on Friday#Please give her well wishes to grow big and strong
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been at the mall for an hour and NO ONE has complimented my getup, not even the hot topic mfs, what is going on.
#hot topic#mall#kandi#emo#goth#mallgoth#what the FUCK#rude#am i not as gorgeous as i think i am#that cannot be#(i have extremely low self confidence and i live off of meager compliments to make me feel like a half decent wanted human being)#depression#😃👍#mcr
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yay!
(for context death vote is a life series inspired short series that had 5 sessions, the one im talking abt is session 5)
also massive spoilers ig lol
okay, so theres these guys called psyan and spagheters, they became basically best friends at the last session of the series and called themselves piss duo (real btw they called themselves that /gen) and theres a massive threat on the server whos named sloimay whos already killed a bunch of their friends and neither of them could do anything abt it because if they killed someone on their green or yellow life without the moon goddess's permission one of their lives gets taken away.
after sloimay death bans another one of his friends, psyan decides to get rid both of his green and yellow life himself to get rid of sloimay and to protect spagheters, the only person that he can protect now since all of his friends are dead
and to top all of that to hear spagheters shaky voice when he asks deytra if psyan was gonna get rid of his lives, to psyan feeling so shit because he couldnt protect anyone gave me sm heartbreak it pained me sm Q_Q /pos
and for it to all end with both of them dead and their grave put next to eachoter labeled piss bro #1 and piss bro #2 had me like aughhhhhh
anyways yeah thats my dvsmp ramble lol
wait, whoa, that sounds super tragic... i really love angst and doomed relationships(both /p or /r), so that resonated with me. obviously i can't say much, because idk any of these people, but it sounds super sad and tragic. ☹️ my favorite type of thing, yum.
#☆ inbox .#☆ mutuals .#i actually really enjoy angst#most of my fics back when i was writing were angst filled#i can make everything extremely depressing if i try hard enough#fun fact i had one of my fics posted online and it was bittersweet doomed yaoi#tells you a lot about what kind of person i am#i enjoy suffering#and making characters suffer#it brings me joy ^_^ ironically
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Watching someone play afop and im so. Oh my god. Oh my GOD. It's literally just a fucking showcase of all the Exact type of shit that has been happening to indigenous people and people of color have been dealing with for Centuries at the hands of white supremacy and imperialism. Like its literally just Showing all that Shit from the perspective of a Na'vi in universe. So it "demonizes" the RDA accordingly. And uet so many fucking reviewers are joshing on it and calling it Boring and Slow and Uninspired and that it makes human's 'cartoonishly evil' LIKE YOU PEOPLE HAVENT LOOKED AT A SINGLE FUCKING CURRENT EVENT IN YOUR LIVES. Oh my god im so mad at all these fucking reviewers now. The fucking AUDACITY to look at something this fucking Honest about the cruelty humans are capable of, while living during the fucking day and age with all this Knowledge we have at our fingertips -- the fucking audacity to look at this game and what the character goes through and not being able to muster up ANY other fucking emotion besides "ubisoft never was great at story anyway so idc lol" fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. Like actually. You can't even fucking ATTEMPT to connect to this story emotionally? Not even a fucking Smidge? Jesus fucking christ people need everything to be spoon fed to them these days. God forbid a piece of media actually ask you to meet it in the middle for once.
#horse.txt#vent //#im mad lol. the farther i get into the story the more mad i get#oh oh the humans putting the Na'vi in cages is a bit extreme? a bit unrealistic??#what the fuck has been going on US borders for the past two decades then.#oh oh the pollution of the land and the water to hurt resistance efforts and native populations is so cartoonishly evil!!#HUMANS WOULD NEEEEVER DO SOMETHING SO DIABOLICAL 😱😱😱#get fucking real. i am so tired of people looking down on Avatar when it's one of the first pieces of mainstream media that ive Ever seen#cover these topics in a fictional lense with So candidly. and nobody wants to fucking take it seriously because it makes them Uncomfortable#to see humans be the fucking badguys#iTS NOT EVEN ABOUT /ALL/ HUMANS THE REAL VILLIAN IS THE FUCKING RDA! ITS CAPITALISM!!!!!#THATS THE FUCKING POINT!!! but noooo people are so fucking sensitive they cant see it as anything but 'misanthropic'#like all of the humans in the resistance arent RIGHT FUCKING THERE for one. and for two ACKNOWLEDGING HUMANITIES FLAWS ISNT MISANTHROPIC#humans have flaws!!! we are capable of great cruelty just as much as we are great kindness!!!#if simply acknowledging and exploring that fact in stories is 'misanthropic' and depresses you then thats on YOU.#grow some thicker skin or something dude idk lol
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Maybe
Maybe I just want to be hugged. To not have the crushing burden of being the smart child in this cursed family, to not have been raised that way. Maybe I just want to be happy.
Just a thought.
#gifted child problems i suppose#i was gifted#now i am just extremely depressed and dumb as dirt#but who cares
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well that was depressing! time to go refuel ! (rewatches show for the seventieth time where gay boy dooms his soulmate's life by loving him too much, too deeply, too strongly, too protectively. where his overflowing love was his bane, where everything he did to avoid his love's destiny - death - just reassured its fulfillment in the end)
#mae-rants#bbc merlin#i really am like wow life sucks! im going to go watch Extremely Depressing Show to make it feel better!
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