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one-last-puku · 3 years

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So.. I'm just gonna write this out because I'm having a difficult time conceptualizing how I feel about the hints pointing towards why people think Vyn is so suspicious.

Let's first address the ominous way he was introduced. My brain isn't working right now so I think I'm going to just quickly short cut to what that was. I'm pretty sure it was just referring to the hints that get thrown around that MC/Rosa should be exposed to the truth and be able to experience things herself, despite how Artem seems to want to shelter and protect her from that. It, at least, is the context I've gathered thus far.

But, Vyn is a hypocrite and I like that it's super apparent that he has that flaw. Despite wanting her to be exposed to the truth, he is also obsessed with keeping her safe from harm as well. Perhaps because he fell for her shortly after actually meeting her.

Also, he's constantly on about how people should just be upfront and express themselves, but he cannot seem to do that very thing when it comes to expressing his own feelings for her and what he's feeling or wants. From that, I can probably deduce that he comes from an overbearing parentage, as those sorts tend to tell you what you need to want instead of properly teaching you from a young age how to express your desires and realize you have desires at all. This deduction is backed up by the horse side story where it is hinted that Vyn comes from high society, having overbearing parents that require a "stiff upper lip" and for you to bottle everything up is very common is said households.

Taking that info, we go onto what people have been calling the red flag, "false tears".

Not gonna lie, I am truly, admittedly mixed on that as well, since I've actually read through all of his side stories except for the mideaval one and the rest of the one with the magician, and I thiiink one other.

See the issue is -spoiler- he was distraught about a patient under his care that attempted to commit suicide, and ended up paralyzed (it's a bit contradicted in text whether it was para or quadriplegic). The thing is, he was distraught and truly hurting over it, but he made it appear he was hurting more than he actually was to seek comfort from MC. Now, whether that is unforgivably condemnable, I'd say is up to the individual, but I honestly wouldn't put it passed anyone to have done something like this out of weakness. You can tell in his later self-analysis that he seems surprised and probably regretful for letting himself lose face for that moment, but at the same time, it's healthy to express your desires, even if in small ways like this that are unlike him to do.

The thing that Vyn has managed to make harder for himself is setting other's expectations of himself too high, making it easy to forget that he is a person capable of fault and even falling into accidental manipulation tactics. I mean, I know it seems scarier because he is a psychiatrist and knows how manipulation works and like he could easily use that knowledge and stoicism against people, but I'm certain that he is truly a genuine person who means well with each action he takes.

If anyone takes the time to read the side stories, when he's alone, you can see how soft and smitten he is for MC, he's an idealistic romantic at his core. I truly believe that and I think he truly cares about helping people or he wouldn't do for them what he does. He is absolutely at her mercy, if she wanted that.

As for the jealousy thing, yeah, that can be a problem, but again. Reading into the context of what we've been given, you can see he's probably very deeply insecure, which is why he's so anal and a perfectionist, and never wants anyone(especially MC) to see that he is capable of making mistakes, and needing help, or that he might look uncool or unknowing at any situation.

He's also pretty naïve and lacks "common sense" or social skills in some situations, but that's... I digress. Haha. Let's just say, that's pretty common with highly intelligent people. So is nearsightedness as it so happens. I can kinda see where his grace with interactions was a learned trait and he seems to also be a perfectionist with keeping that up as well.

I'm thinking these will be subjects of interests for his own character arc(s).

I'm a psychology enthusiast, myself, and I love character analysis, so, so.... Keeheehee. I'm thinking I'll pull screens later, but there are a lot and I'll probably emphasize more on the points either in an edit or a future post, but for now, I kinda just wanted to tidy up my disorganized thoughts into a more coherent post not only for anyone interested in my two cents, but for my self as well. orz

#tears of themis #vyn richter #tot vyn #tot spoilers

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veliseraptor · 4 years

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I can't remember if anyone has actually asked you this. I apologise beforehand if you're repeating yourself. What are your three favourite scenes in The Untamed and why?

(Love how this took so long, mostly because I was waiting to get through all the listed moments in my rewatch. Anyway! It’s here now!)

Oh, fuck.

Okay, I couldn’t keep it to three. I tried! I did! But I couldn’t. So here is a list of just general favorite scenes with the three scratched off. I realized belatedly that most of these are just painful because I love pain I guess??? but yeah that’s just who I am and I think I have to accept that.

Under a read more because Jesus this got long.

1. The entire scene at Nightless City culminating in Wei Wuxian’s death. Like, okay, honestly, if I could expand this into basically everything between Jin Zixuan’s death and Wei Wuxian’s, I’d do that, but that feels like too much even though in my head it is all sort of...one contiguous marathon of pain. But god!!! I have a whole thing for...characters hitting their breaking point, for breaking points in general, for seeing a character I love just...crack open, and that’s what happens here.

Like. Wei Wuxian’s been cracking for a while, and there’s a number of breaking points that kind of build on each other, but this is, obviously, where the real snap happens.

And on a narrative level, too, there’s the thing that...this is the point that we as the audience have been spiraling toward since first seeing the beginning of episode one. This is where the entire long stretch of flashback has been pointing - here’s where it culminates, where it falls into place, where everything circles back to where the show started and now you know exactly how it got there.

Also I just. Love to suffer, and this entire scene is one whole long stretch of suffering.

2. The golden core reveal. Oh man, I was waiting for this conversation for, like. Ever. I knew it was coming and I knew it was going to have to happen and I just kept being like. When will it be. When will it be and then it happened and god it was beautiful. Everything about this whole scene was just tailor made to hurt me and make me love it, from the confrontation in the ancestral shrine right down to when Jiang Cheng bolts in a panic.

I hurt for everyone here. Wen Ning who has hit the end of his rope and is just fed up with everything. Jiang Cheng whose world is getting turned upside down and inside out and a whole lot of things falling into place all at once, his self-conception wrecked and his understanding of Wei Wuxian both opened and destroyed. Lan Wangji who is understanding what he missed and, I think, beating himself up about having missed it, and also the fresh understanding of just how ready Wei Wuxian is to throw himself under a bus for the people he loves. Wei Wuxian who doesn’t know any of this is happening but has just collapsed after running on fumes basically since resurrecting and is going to find out later that the biggest secret he’s been keeping and planned to keep for the rest of his life is now out.

It’s just. Lord. It’s all so painful and it’s all so good, the payoff is so good, and especial mention here of Wen Ning’s done with your shit and I’m not taking it anymore face as he brandishes Suibian at Jiang Cheng not as a weapon, exactly, but a little bit.

(He doesn’t bite but he can hurt you in other ways!)

Anyway, this isn’t actually saying anything coherent, really, except just a lot of “ahhhhh” screaming about this scene and everything in it and everyone suffering in it and just. What a moment.

3. The excruciating conversation between Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian in episode 48. Oh my god. Ohhhh my god. Okay, so, I’m always going to be a sucker for extremely painful and difficult sibling confrontations where everyone is spilling their feelings everywhere and it’s just a lot, and this was like. I remember on my first watch when this happened and I was like. Holy shit. This. This was what I needed. This!!!!

And then no real resolution after, orz. But that’s what fanfiction is for. And there’s glimpses of the possibility, for sure, I Believe.

But anyway! And on rewatch this conversation just gets better and also more painful because of the ways that while it is finally a conversation that Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng have sort of needed to have for, like, ever, it’s also one that rips open a lot of old wounds and it is also one that involves a painful amount of talking past each other.

There’s a long meta post somewhere (sorry! I never know how to find the meta I’m looking for when I want it and I’m lazy right now!) about how what Jiang Cheng needs to hear is that Wei Wuxian loves and cares about him, and what he does hear is that Wei Wuxian is, once again, cutting himself off, that it was all always about debts and obligations and nothing more. And what Wei Wuxian is trying to do is release Jiang Cheng from being tied to him by those debts and obligations, to give him freedom, with I think the idea of creating a clean slate that’s not tainted by everything that went wrong before. He thinks Jiang Cheng needs to be released, but what Jiang Cheng needs is to be held.

(Both of them do! Both of them need that! Both of them need to feel loved and cherished and these things also specifically by each other!)

And I just. I just cry a lot.

But it is also beautiful, in the way that it captures so much about their relationship and the blood and hurt and tenderness and love all tied excruciatingly together, the ways that they hurt and have hurt each other, the ways they push and pull, all of Jiang Cheng’s anger and hurt spilling out everywhere in a way that I think has been building for 16 years. It’s not closure, but it is a catharsis.

And for Wei Wuxian - I think it has to be, on some level, a relief. Even as it’s painful, even as it is exactly what he never wanted to happen, the secret is out now and he doesn’t have to hold onto it anymore. They are both - in his eyes - free.

It’s just...a wrenching conversation that hits, like, sixty of my buttons at once and gives me a whole lot of emotions.

4. asldkajsldfkj the flashback to Xiao Xingchen’s suicide in episode 39 and what comes after, just go ahead and kill me now. Like okay it’s probably obvious by now that I live in this hole called “Yi City, my Xue Yang feelings, and my XueXiao feelings,” and during this liveblog I specifically spilled several posts and screenshots worth of them, but god!!!! it’s just so much. Like, the entire Yi City arc is messy and painful as hell, it’s just like being put through an emotional wringer where I hurt for everyone in it, but this is the part that is especially excruciating because everyone in this emotional climax is suffering so much.

And, like. We knew where this would end. We knew Xiao Xingchen died, and a-Qing was just killed, and at this point Xue Yang is dying. No one is getting out of this alive - but we haven’t seen yet exactly how things closed out. And the answer is “badly. it’s badly.”

Both of these people in the very bad breakup scene are hurting. Xiao Xingchen is in agony, his life falling apart in his hands - everything he thought he knew has been a lie, he’s been tricked, played for a fool. And the hammer blows keep coming. It’s not enough that it’s Xue Yang, that Xue Yang has been fucking with him (as far as he knows), lying to him, for three years. It’s what Xue Yang reveals about what he’s done. And then it’s what Xue Yang reveals about what he’s done to Song Lan.

And on the other end - Xue Yang’s weird fake domestic life that he’s gotten attached to, Xiao Xingchen who he’s come to care about - it’s imploding, irrevocably, in front of his face. And first he tries to explain himself, sort of, but he must know it’s not going to work; and then he goes back to what he does best and lashes out. You’re going to hurt me? I’ll hurt you fifty times as much.

I think he expects a fight. Or maybe, at most, he expects Xiao Xingchen to break down, and maybe he has some vague idea that then he can say see, this is what the world is really like, now you get it and rebuild him in some kind of Xue Yang-esque image (though I don’t think he really thinks that’ll happen). He doesn’t expect Xiao Xingchen to kill himself. He doesn’t expect Xiao Xingchen to die.

And then he doesn’t expect to not be able to get him back.

It’s just. This whole arc is people destroying each other and themselves body and soul, and this is the climax of it, the breaking point. And it hurts, real bad.

And as we have established! I love to suffer.

5. Drunk Lan Wangji, take two. All of these are like. “Pain! Pain! Pain!” and here we are with some goofy antics instead. I mean, the intro to drunk!Wangji is sad in the way that it has to do with what happened to Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen (and Lan Wangji’s always feelings about those parallels ouch), but then...I mean, drunk!Wangji is just generally adorable, but here he is especially adorable.

Chicken theft! Vandalism! Trespassing! His adorable little smile when Wei Wuxian asks if he likes rabbits and he’s like. Yeah. :) :)

And then we close out with more emotions, of course. Because it’s not The Untamed without a little bit of pain thrown in there.

“I have regret,” Lan Wangji says, a confession of fault, and of course Wei Wuxian can’t receive it, or won’t - and Lan Wangji reacts to his attempt at absolution by basically doing his usual “I don’t want to talk about this” routine of just bluntly changing the subject (in this case “going to bed now goodnight.”).

Also the entire bit where he goes from hopelessly drunk to fighting off an opponent and then back to hopelessly drunk, like. Even drunk!Wangji can and will kick your ass.

And all of Wei Wuxian just like. Basically trip babysitting him? Gently trying to herd him around? The gentleness and fondness of it all?

Good. All good.

6. Qiongqi Path, take one. Emotional mauling! Terrifying evil flute Wei Wuxian! Dramatic face-off between Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji! The beginning of Lan Wangji’s moral crisis! (Or, okay, not the beginning but this is definitely a major breaking point for his worldview, I think, and where his questioning really, truly begins.)

It’s just...a lot of good. Everything with Wen Qing searching for Wen Ning’s body hurts so bad. Wei Wuxian coming stalking back into the camp with vengeance on the brain is as gloriously sexy as that vibe always is on him. And the confrontation between Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian? oh man.

Juicy. And also. Ouch.

(And am I a sucker for everything about ‘former allies ending up on opposite sides and one of them saying something along the lines of ‘if I’m going to die then I’d rather it was you who killed me’ yes I sure am! I didn’t cry nearly as much on my third watch but this scene is another one of my points that I think of when I think of bits in The Untamed that make me cry.

And as we’ve established already, I just love to cry.

7. God like. All of episode 19? Is that cheating? But it’s all so good! We have suffering Wei Wuxian! Mouthing off while being tortured! The entire sequence of him grabbing the sword and that moment of choice where his life turns as he answers that question (do you want revenge?) with a resounding yes?

Lan Wangji absolutely fucking up some Wens on a desperate quest for Wei Wuxian? Teaming up with Jiang Cheng? (Do I still want to see more of that team up in that time? Yes please!!) SPOOKY FUCKING FLUTE MUSIC STARTING SIGNALING EXTREMELY OMINOUS THINGS TO COME?

Anyway it’s all very “fuck yeah, this is all quite tailored to me and my interests, thank you.”

8. Jiang Yanli coming for Jin Zixun’s life. I feel like I should just link to this analysis of this scene that really breaks it all down in detail? But god so satisfying. I mean, Jin Zixun is truly one of the most hateable characters in this show, in my opinion, and seeing Jiang Yanli step up and politely and meticulously demolish him is like. So satisfying.

The face of a woman about to murder someone. But with words.

I really wish we could’ve seen more of this Jiang Yanli, because before this point she’s all softness and gentleness and while that’s very true of her - this part of her is also there, always, and I’d love to have seen more of it.

But like. Getting it here? Stunning. Showstopping. Love it.

9. Wei Wuxian wrecks a party, but, like, sexily. I mean, he wrecks a few parties, but I’m thinking specifically of the one in episode 26 prior to Qiongqi Path, take one. Everything about that whole scene is gold top to bottom, but what really gets me going is everything from the dramatic entrance (I’m tempted to make a list of Wei Wuxian’s best dramatic entrances) onward to “sexy menacing countdown.” It’s just all so...I mean, I’ve talked about how much I love furiously angry and on the verge of losing it Wei Wuxian, and this is some prime that material.

(Pictured: the sexiest way anyone has ever said the word ‘two.’)

And just! The tension of it all, how it builds and builds and builds and even when it finally releases when Zixun caves there’s still all this lingering “oh fuck! that’s bad!” dread...it’s just very good.

And I also love it as one of those key plot turning moments where it’s like. This isn’t the irrevocable break, but it’s a big one as far as ‘no going back from this.’

And like. Not just Wei Wuxian, everyone else in this scene is excellent too. Just. Mm. Good.

10. Wei Wuxian is sexy when he’s mean and that’s just the truth. Which is to say: the very bad breakup scene between him and Lan Wangji in episode 20. I’ve read two different analyses of this scene, both brilliant (by @hunxi-guilai here, and @neuxue here), and I feel like I can’t add much to that other than to reiterate that Wei Wuxian is very sexy when he’s mean, and the layers of everything going on in this scene are. Ugh!!! So good.

(I mean, also everything that comes before, I have put myself down firmly in camp “Wei Wuxian is also sexy when he murders people, you go Wei Ying, murder people as much as you want, it’s hot.” And the hug with Jiang Cheng! (THAT HUG. IT IS SUCH A HUG.))

But the confrontation between him and Lan Wangji in particular! it is so fuckin good. Honestly just read the linked analyses, I’ve got nothing I can say better that’s not in there, just a lot of “ahhhhhhh” about it all.

BONUS MENTIONS TO: basically every time Wei Wuxian Yiling Laozus, “stay and die with me.”

#anonymous #conversating #fucking FINALLY #no idea how coherent this is but well #the sad queer cultivators show #the untamed #i am SURE i've forgotten things here #lise does meta #i mean the end of episode 50 is also prime in a lot of ways #IF I LET MYSELF KEEP GOING I'LL GO TOTALLY WILD THOUGH #love how many of these are just 'i like it when my faves suffer'

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doodleniella · 4 years

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Part 2 - Jikoshoukai (it’s looooooooong so please bear reading it at your own risk orz)

* I’m in my late twenties, but looks like a teenager; one time a jeepney driver mistaken me for a college student and gave me fare discount.

* Am a Taurus, I think iirc an A+? (have forgotten about it since high school, during our physical examination at the school clinic), and my birth date sounds like a Star Wars phrase pun.

* Height’s more or less a 5’5” (until that realization a month ago, I always go on believing that I’m a 5’3” lol).

* You can describe me as a (kinda) my-pace type of girl, but in my case, more like a girl who does things in a whim and more or less likely to regret doing them.

* Always bullied since childhood, that’s why I hold grudges until now haha

* First impressions (when I see one) are hit or miss. When a person did something that make me, say, cringe... 👎🏻 unless I can see some progress.

* Also cringed at wrong grammar and spelling (gdi so many apostrophe S’s I kennat—), no offense.

* Is a cat person nyaa~

* Always been drawing stuff since childhood, wherever I can set my pen/pencil/coloring materials/etc on....even on borrowed books at our university library. Shh~

* Speaking of books, since the age of two I frequently read and read and read lots of reading materials—ranging from novels to newspapers to magazines etc. Had a collection of them at home btw, paperbacks and US magazine backissues, mostly. Amongst them, had a few Jan Karon books (under the Mitford Years series) and some Lorna Landvik novels.

* Speaking of library, this is like second home to me... lots of books, computer stations, wifi (lol), air conditioning system (another lol), solo study cubicles to take a nap on whenever time calls for it, and you can borrow almost all of the books (max. 5-6 at a time).

* I’m one of the lucky few who are referred to as the Batang ‘90s (‘90s Kids)—because, unlike kids nowadays, we’ve experienced watching Tagalog-dubbed anime during weekday afternoons after school in the 1990’s and 2000’s-early 2010’s, for one.

* An anime enthusiast, always watching anime and reading manga, one of the reasons why I draw until this day—the other because of my dear aunt (may God always bless her soul~ Also am the Secretary of my college alma mater’s anime club for I guess two years idk? Ahaha~

* Cosplayed twice during college: the first one is a disaster and my second one is super goooood xD (One of my club senpais joked about the colors of the cloth used on our maid costumes—during my first year, we’ve managed a Maid Cafe during our annual University Days—being bright and vivid as the colors of the jeepney routes in our province; he called mine the Marisol, after the Marisol-Pampang route—ctto pic)

* Been fascinated with Japan and the Japanese culture since childhood: during Grade 2, I’ve purchased a Highlights Top Secret Japan puzzle set; during Grade 6, my older cousin who now based in Japan with her own family gave me CDs of Hamasaki Ayumi and EXILE, among others.

* Collected anime posters, laminated cards, and stickers during Grade 6 until all my high school years. Dunno where they are now...

* Am picky with what I watch and read, whether it’s anime, manga, or a novel/book/magazine. ‘Cause I have a damn refined taste lol

* I also have multiple fandoms across some of the genres. I’m an Hello! Project fan since 2008 (first oshimen was Morning Musume’s Kusumi Koharu, now it’s the 15th gen’s Kitagawa Rio from Morning Musume ‘20; also a BEYOOOOONDS fan—but I love all of the girls like my younger sisters....even though my real younger sister’s a pain in the arse sometimes), a casual 48G fan since AKB48’s Heavy Rotation hit the Oricon charts—and kinda supported its international sister groups too, like our very own MNL48...but kinda laylowed since late last year. Aside from MNL48, I also supported its similar (but related?) local aidoru counterparts, Aidoru Sozai and CH4U, since 2018. But, ever since that goddamn COVID-19 virus and quarantine started, the need to support the members had gradually lost in my hands (don’t worry tho, I still checked out on their SNS even if not on a daily basis).

* Before, I always listened mostly to idol songs (75% of which are H!P), but when my old phone broke (and we have wifi now) I tuned in daily to Spotify and listened to some of its playlists—to which I select a few songs and gathered them in my own playlist full of J-Tracks and old stuff.

* I’m a huge fan of Takaya Natsuki’s “Fruits Basket”, ever since I have watched the Tagalog-dubbed original/Studio Deen version on TV every Saturday morning during the early 2000’s. Read the almost-150+-ish chapters during my high school and college days, read some of “Fruits Basket ~another~”, and now currently watching the 2019 version. Also have a dog-eared TokyoPop copy of the ~Cat~ fanbook skl.

* Due to the influence of some of my artist collab buddies and a certain redraw challenge (#HaikyuuRedraw), at almost three? months, I’m basically new to the Haikyuu!! Fandom. In less than a month, I’ve watched Seasons 1 until the first half of On The Top!!—including the OVAs, read the full 400+ chapters of the “Haikyuu!!” manga non-stop (because, ‘it’s fast-paced’ as I have told one colleague before), and its spin-offs “Haikyuu-Bu” and “Let’s Haikyuu”, and watched all four compilation movies. (Now rewatching Season 2 btw...) *whispers low* Not to mention countless fanfictions and doujins...... FUN FACT: If you visited my Pinterest page, you’ll be annoyingly (imo) amazed at how many Haikyuu!!-related memes, comic panels, fanarts and stuff I have saved in my two boards. Also made some chibi fanarts (first one being Inarizaki’s Capt. Kita; will post Kenma’s later tonight) and some WIP sketches (one Hinata, one Oikawa—on an UFO, duh—and a Yachi... all of them chibified) that idk when the fuck will I start to work on them again qwq (Whew... my longest paragraph so far, sorry~)

* Created my Facebook art page and began sharing my doodles and drawings to the public since 2017 (more then three years ago), then since early 2018 started doing MNL48 and other local aidoru groups’ fanarts in trad (colored ballpens and colored pencils on cheap bond paper halves). Then early 2020, I started doing anime fanarts as part of a collab for I think half a year now.

* I have been a member of two artists’ collaboration groups on Facebook—MFA48 (specializing in mostly MNL48-related group fanart collabs) and Anime Art Collaboration Group (an exclusive-for-Filipino-artists’ collab group specializing in two-week anime collabs and other art activities, to which I’m a part of its Council as the Fukaichou/Council VP). Also a staff member at a memeposting Facebook page for more than a year now (belated Happy Anniversary to me lol~).

* Did make some padorus, a few memes—including an all-in-one virtual powerbank charger, ‘patent pending’—and stuff.

* WIPs old and new kept on piling up due to many distractions (namely, this phone I’m using rn and its many installed apps) and disturbances (my fam, on the top of the list). And I really hate it qwq hence the frustration and stress...

* A lazy person actually tee hee~ (and a big eater but kinda slim like Miaka from “Fushigi Yuugi”)

...well? Ahehehe~ hope you stick on reading all of these bullshit till the end, tho. Ja~ see y’all again! （＾∇＾）

(Hope it can fit within Tumblr’s character number parameters or something...)

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soysaucevictim · 5 years

Text

Finished another set of challenges and started up on some new stuff.

Aug. 5

I woke up a bit before noon.

Most of my day was spent on the usual. But I did get in my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 40 standing W-extensions with EC. A bit challenging, but still enjoyable and doable! :D

Second, Day 27 of the T10C. 10′ non-stop punching. I counted 1040 punches thrown, swapping stance every 2′. Very fun and manageable.

Last, Day 27 of the CCC. 40 torso twists.

Then I took a shower and spent some time talking with pops about WRAP stuff.

Aug. 6

Been up since about 7:30 AM. Getting up to get incrementally ready to get to the facility and squeezing in a few more minutes of sleep.

Got to the facility, tweaked the Anxiety Box thing before getting to Seeking Safety Group. Group was late, so we just spent some time chatting before we got through it. It was alright.

Then I went to my therapy appointment, today. We mostly discussed the contents of the box and the art project I’ve been making as HW. With the former - I’m to consider challenging/responding to the items I put in there. (As I’m able to.)

Then, I did today’s DD. 15 up/down planks with EC. I did this one while I was out at the facility again. Was tough and did worry a little about abrasion - but, still doable. :P

I spent the rest of my time there fiddling with that art project.

Got home, did a bit of the usual before needing to take a 1-2 hour nap. I just was so zapped at that point. Then I did more of the same for several hours.

I wound up doing the rest of my exercise REALLY late. Like past midnight late. orz

First, Day 28 of the T10C. 7 sets of 40″ punches + 20″ shoulder taps, with 3′ of punching as a finisher. Very doable and fun, I even shortened the rest periods a bit. Shoulder taps get more challenging when you decided to be very mindful of form - keeping rocking to a minimum and maintained a straight plank. Probably one of my more favorite days of this thing.

Last, Day 28 of the CCC. 190 side leg raises, 95/95 in one go.

Aug. 7

I woke up a bit after noon.

Did a bit of the usual - but I did spend some time doing dishes, making stuffed green bell peppers, and watching a couple Inuyasha movies. Eventually did my exercise too.

First, today’s DD. 2′ seated leg raises with EC (1′/1′). I counted 126 reps by the end, managing 1/sec was a satisfying and challenging pace. Another personal favorite, here!

Second, Day 29 of the T10C. 5 sets of 1′ sit-ups + 1′ flutter kicks. 2′ rest periods are so nice. I did the former slowly, in rhythm of my breathing. I did gradually up-mod the flutter kicks:

Sets 1-2 - were head down, feet tapping floor

Set 3 - alternated between intervals of that and holding my feet above floor

Set 4 - held feet above floor for whole duration

Set 5 - that AND with head up the whole time

Last, Day 29 of the CCC. 40 torso twists.

Well-p looks like I’m going to end these challenges tomorrow with a lot of side leg raises... pffft! I thought I look at whether overlap was gonna happen - ah well. Up for it.

Aug. 8

Since I got up too many minutes after 8AM to feel up for rushing out to the facility. I called in before sleeping in.

Got up proper a bit after 11AM.

Mostly spent my day on the usual, including exercise.

First, today’s DD. 30 full bridges (with reach) with EC. Got a bit winded by the end, but still manageable. :D

Second, Day 30 of the Target 10 Challenge. 10′ non-stop side-to-side leg raises. I DID attempt to keep count but lost track in the last few minutes - ah well. Was still a bit tougher to continue raising the left leg over the right, but that was ok. I HOWEVER regret eating a a few cookies shortly before, despite my better judgement. :s

Last, Day 30 of the Core Control Challenge. 200 side leg raises, 100/100 in one go. I had to wait a bit to catch my breath and recover before doing that, but it was still very doable.

I then got in some dishes and a lot of the usual before getting pretty mad about playing tech support before going to bed.

---

Summary of Experience

I finished these challenges on schedule, despite a few instances of doubling up, in August 8.

The Target 10 Challenge was a pretty good variety of exercise. Even though I mostly moderated my pace, there were veritable workouts to this one. It was a good bit of cardio work! I liked most of it, but the 10′ punching days were the most fun!

The Core Control Challenge. Relatively breezy work. Was able to do all the side leg raises in one go, and I did most of them 50%/50%, to contrast with the T10C. The torso twists were always nice! =w=

---

Aug. 9

I got up a before 1PM, today.

A lot of the usual, again. Did make some dinner and watched a few more episodes of Black Mirror, too.

It was an active rest day, so I only did the DD as far as exercise went. 1′ boat pose hold with EC. I don't know why I did the wrong exercise twice before doing it the right way. Got my wires crossed with "hollow hold" the first time and then forgot to straighten my legs the second time. Needless to say - my abs got a nice workout from that. :,D

Aug. 10

I got up a bit after 1PM.

Did a bit of the usual, before getting in my exercise pretty early. Nice getting started on the new Day 1s!

First, today’s DD. 40 climber taps with EC. That got pretty winding near the end, but still doable. :P

Second, Day 1 of the Calves of Steel Challenge. 60 calf raises, I decided to get it all done in one go. We’ll see how many of these I can do that with before needing to split the quota up. I think this will be a good combo with the following stuff.

Third, Day 1 of the Punch Out! Challenge. I figure this will be a nice upper body supplement. 80 punches, in one go. I swapped stances halfway in. Pretty fun and breezy work! :D

Last, Day 1 of the 30 Days of Yoga Program (DAREBEE). I’ve come to really enjoy doing yoga and was very excited to start this new program. I rather liked the sequence - especially any instance I get to do tree and half moon pose! It’s going to take a bit of focus to sight-read to stay on cue (unlike labeling/verbalizing the poses a la YwA), but I think I’ll manage alright. =w=

I then decided to respond to a page of DAREBEE notifications, since that’s been in the anxiety BG noise.

We’ll see what else I manage to get done today, but I’m going to post this now. Maybe edit it a lil more later, if anything else eventful happens today. :P

#adventures with fitness

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restinpeacesensei · 7 years

Text

hey i just wanted to say thank you to everyone who sent nice messages to me and were worried about me last month. it really seriously means a lot to me and i appreciate it ;;;;;

i was meaning to eventually respond to them individually on my blog (and to the replies on later posts as well) but i kept putting it off, in part also bc it’s a little frustrating to go digging back and hitting the reply button on everything bc you have to scroll through again each time. i finally did this with the ones i could find though and i want to reply to them after this.

it happened a whole month ago but it still feels really recent. im better now, for which im so grateful, and it feels like i should be back on my feet but ive still been feeling kind of.. lost and clingy (in part bc of a disruption in a friendship that also happened very soon before, which i still hadn’t really processed when the other thing occurred) and as much as ive gone back to acting how i usually do i guess (..which honestly isn’t much better orz), it still feels like things haven’t been the same.

ive just felt needy since it happened and i know i can’t always continue that way when so many other things are going on but... i want to say thank you to everyone who has had patience with me and listened to me and cared about me... it really means a lot to me that so many people wish me well and im sorry for not being more stable to do their good will justice, but i really appreciate that people continue to support me even when i get anxious over the same things again and again;;

i always regret the times when i become clingy and demanding of people who have been very nice to me because i feel like maybe it seems like their kindness was unappreciated or misplaced on me, and i just want to make absolutely clear that i am continually grateful and overwhelmed by all of the care people have shown me, thank you all so much

#long post

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

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It’s been ever so rainy and cold lately... (gloomy feels and stuff about money, re-motivating myself and general updates)

I’m... gnnrgh... I’m sad. And confused. And tired. And feeling quite hopeless once more, why must it be so? Man, this sucks :<

I feel like I don’t know what I ‘m doing again and even though I know there’s stuff to do I keep distracting myself with pointless things and driving myself crazy with all the conflicted feelings and anxiety inside... The bouts of frustration and migraines are cropping up and spiralling outta control like nobody’s business and beating my down so badly ;^;

It’s just there’s too much cooped up in my head. Too many things to worry about, too many things I want to say and do but I feel I can’t because of the fear trapping it all in and the pressure just continues to build up and it hurts and feels so constricted in my head, my heart and just everywhere. I wish I could gather my thoughts and just get things under control and running smoothly like other people can but it’s just so hard and so exhausting just trying.

I need to stop and refocus myself, calm my mind and chest, c’mon I can do it..! I’m struggling now but I’ll be fine, I’ll find my way out of the storm and I’ll be able to see and breathe clearly again, it’s going to be okay... so don’t worry yourself so much, you're trying and that’s enough... *hugs self*

Welp... ran outta time to write and it became the next...next(?) day. Time meaning space to be all secretive and weird contemplative as my sis came home and I didn’t want to feel on edge. Why am I like this...? :<

I got real sad again later, thinking and being reminded of my much less than ideal financial situation and joblessness got me in such a low mood. The loneliness and want for attention or some kind of reassurance or help kinda crawled out and just sat there too. Money is such a troublesome thing, I regret the times in the past where I whittled it almost completely away by frivolously buying unnecessary amounts of things of interest (probably to try cheer myself up). The happiness from material items is only temporary, fleeting and quickly forgotten. I’m such a wasteful person in so many ways orz. But I’ve learned from my mistakes! (Mostly... kinda... lol) So that’s something! :D

I’ve really been wanting to buy a new phone because mine is so old and dysfunctional in too many ways to list and I’ve been suffering with it for half a decade because I didn’t want to waste money or for my parents to waste their money on me. There were a few times in the past and even recently where I had a chance to get a new one or few times I did purchase a new phone but swiftly returned it either because I felt guilty about it or it just wasn’t right cause I’m so damn nit picky. I don’t want to keep waiting because I have done it so much already, waiting and missing opportunities... I don’t even know how to phrase what I’m trying to say or what even I am trying to say .__.

Some people don’t even have a phone at all, it makes me feel like such a spoilt and horrible person but it really is in need of replacing... It’s just I don’t have an appropriate amount of funds or that I am aiming for something of the calibre that I don’t need but just want. If I had that new and functional phone I feel like it would bring back some of my lost motivation and give more opportunity for me to try harder to grow my skills also. Photography and other creative skills, social skills, those kinds of things which I’ve yearned to improve but lack the equipment or means to carry out. I bet I sound so damn ridiculous right now, I don’t even...

Right before my eyes my sister got a new phone, she’s had a few in the span I’ve had one, but it’s true, she can afford to because she has a job. I’m happy for her but I know I am envious too, not just that she has a phone, but that she has a job, that she’s not scared to try or to put herself out there etc etc. Also when someone really wants something and has been holding back but someone else just gets it right in front of them, it just idk it kinda stings and brings on those nasty emotions. Everyone tells me to get a job and then I can spend or save money, and of course I know this too. It sounds so simple to them and even to me sometimes and I just wish I could but there’s so many health factors and stupid fears holding me back, it’s so hard. I’m so weak... But, I can’t give up trying, I’ll get there someday.

Anyways enough of that, I’ll figure it out, it’s not of major importance right now. I worry all the time about being a burden to my family financially, we’re definitely not well off in terms of money or health or anything and I don’t want to bring anymore strain to it :< Those whole few sections of garble were so negative and gloomy and unimportant. I feel like such an ass... but this blog is here so I can vent and write out my real feelings... it’s okay... it’s fine, it’s good to do so, keep going..! ><

*Le few days later* Uh... uh what was I saying? @.@ Lolol I was originally gonna post on the day after my first therapy appointment but then I got lazy/avoidy and thought I’d wait till after the next one, but then I changed my mind again and welp, now the next app is tomorrow, oh well xD

*le even moar days later* Hah! Now it’s been another whole week... mega ||ORZ...!!!!1 I remember I was going to write about how the therapy went but I think I’ll put it in a separate post just to keep things more organised and less lengthy, makes sense mmm k! I’ll continue with my other misc updates I guess ^^

Welp, I got a new phone... Though there’s that niggling feeling of guilt still there (especially since my parents will only get handy downs from my sister to save money), I’m glad I was able to do so and I’m very thankful to my family members that helped me obtain it both financially and physically. I chose one that is on the expensive side, but not too bad in terms of other phones on the same level which are considerably much much more pricey. It’s one that feels like great value for the spec it has and I hope it lasts me lots of years without messing up, I have a bit of a curse when it comes to technology lol.

I can do all sorts on it which I couldn’t do before, from some of the more basic stuff to some cool new stuff, it feels really refreshing but makes me kinda nervous too. I can actually download and use the tumblr app there, I’m hoping I can make use of it now that it is finally functional and easily accessible. I want to make a lot of good memories with it, snippets of daily life with my family, some creative stuff, whatever I choose to do online with it and that kind of stuff C:

In terms of life skill improving/adulting these past weeks I actually cooked my first sort of dish all by myself! It was fish cakes ^^ It was when I went to my sister’s house again for some more crafting time. I was actually having a crappy day/was in a super low mood that day (which got worse being in the same environment as last time) and actually had a bit of a breakdown on the journey to the supermarket to get ingredients. Idk... I was just so hesitant and scared and avoidant and got into a bit of an argument with my sis who was driving and all the sort of thoughts that had been bringing me down lately just surfaced again all at once and I tried so hard not to but the tears just came busting out.

I cried so hard and so pathetically and while I know it is not a bad thing to cry and rather a good one to let things out I just didn’t want to feel so weak in front of my sister or in front of shoppers that may pass by in the car park. I know... crying =/= weak but feeling so emotionally vulnerable, it just sucks. I didn’t cry for too long even though the intensity of my sob-fest one was one of the strongest I’ve ever had, because I still wanted to go in, get my ingredients and cook my first dish. I wanted to do this to prove to myself and my parents that I’m capable, I can learn to be independent, that I’m not useless... I’m not, I won’t be, I can do this!

My sister encouraged me and comforted me, telling me stories of when she had also cried in the car during stressful occasions with her boyfriend or with dad. I want to mention again how grateful I am to have her, even though our lines get crossed and we stress at each other a lot, she is there for me and I want to be there for her too when she needs it. It was because of her that I have the opportunity and the boost of motivation to try cooking something on my own.

I sat in the car in the corner of the car park (which she kindly moved to by my request) and when I had calmed down enough and wasn’t so puffy we went in and looked for the ingredients together. When it came to getting fresh produce I also learned how to use the labelling scale machine by my sis’ instruction which felt like something great too! ^^ I mean it probably sounds super lame and straight forward but if I was on my own I probably wouldn’t of even tried or had a bit of a panic. Idk... I just feel like for new things, witnessing someone’s demonstration or instruction is much more helpful and I’ll feel less like I’d make a fool of myself.

Okay so I got the stuff and then I made it following a brief internet recipe. My sister left me to do it all myself while she did her stuff upstairs after getting out all the necessary equipment for me so there wasn’t really much pressure unlike what it’d probably be like if I did it at home. It did take me much longer than I though it would but I was very careful about everything and as I am a noob I did make some small mistakes, but I was proud I did it! I wonder if my parents were too..?

I finished cooking them at home (which my mum wanted my dad to do for me but I was adamant on doing it myself) and my parents tried one fish cake each over supper, though it was not perfect they were not mean to me about it which was nice. I thought my dad might be more critical and at first I thought he was a bit annoyed at me but I think he can see my efforts and how excited about it I was. It was fun and it has given me more motivation to try something else next time. I’m glad I tried, pursued something and competed it even though I was trying to get out of it last minute. I’ll give myself a pat on the back, because I did it! :D

I also went to visit my grandma with my family yesterday, which is something I have not done in probably a year or so. That’s kind of one of the other things I think about a lot and am also kind of envious of others about... I am not close with any of my relatives and it feels like a chore for my family to visit or be visited by them. I wish there wasn’t this language barrier or this physical and emotional distance between me, my family and my relatives, it blows.

It was nice seeing her and she had a good chat with my parents (though mostly random negative health stuff and gossip) and little with me and my sis. I noticed my mum doesn’t seem that close with her, look at her much and only chipped in to conversations at times while my dad generally was the one to initiate and continue the chatting. It feels... Idk... it makes me sad of course. But I wonder if it is because she doesn’t like seeing her mum growing old and living on her own, that it reminds her she is also getting old which is always on her mind too as well as it just being that way. When we were leaving I hugged my grandma, it wasn’t a proper bear hug or anything, just a pat on the back loose gesture because she probably didn’t expect it. I’ve never hugged her before after all, but I wanted to and no language barrier can get in the way of it. My sister followed and did the same too. It brought back an element of warmth and closeness which fizzled out when I couldn’t converse earlier. I want to spend more time with my family and relatives, I need to try harder.

Though I feel as if I haven’t done much on the surface, these things I did recently to do with family and therapy felt like such big and meaningful steps and I hope to continue even more. Also I said I was going to post stuff that I made to my main blog and to other places a long while back and and I have been hesitating and holding back out of fear and uncertainty non-stop. Well, I’m gonna start doing it for reals real soon. There’s no rules and there’s no need to overthink it, it’s just a place to store my progress and memories in essence but in a slightly more open space. I have the material, the means and I’m gonna try my best to grasp onto the motivation, I can’t keep excusing myself for those any more and I most certainly can’t let my silly fears win!

I should probably get to writing my therapy posts and getting all my other important health things done and organised too. C’mon I can do this! I came on and continued writing this post even though I was struggling and scared to, another one should be a piece of (sour but refreshingly zesty lemon) cake! *salivates*

Mmm...alrighty, off I go! >:D (Maybe some lazy time first though my eyes huuurt @w@)

Have a nice evening and keep kicking butt~! ^^

#avpd #anxiety #depression #self-motivation #feelings #family #*pats self on back*#Believe in yourself #keep going #you can do it!#Let's try our best! :3

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kandismon · 7 years

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Would you be okay sharing how you make money from your art now, and how you got there? You seem so happy in that post you made a while back, and in your tags sometimes!

hiya nonny

sorry for the late reply, i knew i wanted to take some time to answer this properly and i had to wait until now ;;;;;;;;;;

i hope you’re still around to read it ;;;;;

i’m gonna put this under a read more because i ended up rambling and wrote an entire essay (and it’s probably way too honest but that’s the only way i know how to talk to people and maybe someone can get something out of this lolol)

1. HOW THE HECK DID I GET HERE

i used to be stuck in a job a couple of years ago that not only bored the hell out of me but also gave me nightmares for the longest time for various reasons and it ended up draining all of my energy and for a while i wasn’t able to enjoy what i love most, which is, of course, drawing. i��m not good at leaving thoughts and worries regarding work at my workplace, i’m the type to take it all home with me and it made me become apathetic and unable to get excited over anything and i could practically feel my motivation to create anything leave me.

at that time i started noticing that my audience had grown quite a bit over the years and i was already doing a few commissions here and there and i had sold a couple of fanbooks, and those were things i really loved doing, but, as mentioned above, at that time i didn’t really have the energy to focus on that because i was still wasting most of my day with that unsatisfying job.

thanks to my partner, who kept kicking my ass for a while, i ended up looking for a new job, found a shop that was looking for someone to hire part-time, i applied, got it and quit my old job the next day.

part-time seemed great, because it meant i’d have double the time to work on art and commissions and also i was probably going to be able to sleep well again because i didn’t have to worry about what was going on at my old workplace anymore, right?

…. wrong.

while i really liked working at that shop, it took up a lot of time too in the end, due to extra-time, extra (non-paid) responsibilities and interpersonal problems. also i suck at saying no to people, so bye-bye time for art and welcome back nightmares.

while working there, more and more commissions started coming in, my audience kept growing slowly but steadily, people were actually interested in comics and products i made ?? and i didn’t make a lot of money back then by a long stretch but it was just. so. fulfilling. i love doing commissions, i love drawing stories and sharing them, and there’s no better feeling than making a thing yourself and ending up with the finished product in your own hands, and my wish to freelance more came from these experiences.

meanwhile the situation at work started pissing me off more and more and i was close to saying fuck it and quitting so so often and, well, last year i finally did (again thanks to my partner for listening to my rants and also kicking my butt to get the hell out of there LOL)

i was considering looking for yet another job but tbh after all these years i’m tired of having to deal with authority figures that pay you jackshit for your work but try to push you around 24/7 and bend you to their will because they don’t give a fuck about their employees and only care about $$$ (or maybe i’m just too stubborn and can’t deal with people who try to tell me what to do [i’m pretty sure that’s the main issue tbh lolol])

so i decided to try and become an independent artist full-time. which is still risky but

a) if i don’t try it, i’ll regret it for the rest of my life

b) i have no one i have to support financially except for myself, so in case i fail the only person who’ll get in trouble is me, which is very convenient ??

for various reasons i had no choice but to jump right into this without feeling prepared enough at all BUT i still think it’s gonna work out somehow. i’ve learned a lot these last couple of weeks/months and i’m positive that it’s going to be Just Fine.

2.) WHAT THE HECK AM I ACtuALLY DOING

i do still feel like i have no idea what i’m doing most of the time, so take everything below with a bit of skepticism but i think i’ve been doing some things right without even realising it.

like, even though quitting my job and deciding to work as an artist was a very impulsive decision, i think i fulfill the necessary requirements for it to work out:

i had some money saved up that could help me survive for a few months if i ended up not being able to make any money for a while

i already had freelance jobs lined up and projects i was working on that would provide me with some sort of income

and it’s been working out so far ??? (let’s talk again in a few months when i realise all the things i’ve forgotten or fucked up)

things i noticed during that time, that i need to fix/work on/learn:

i need to raise my prices again or come up with a better system like ?? patreon at some point in the future maybe (because at this rate i have to draw at least 20 commissions each month JUST to make enough money to pay rent and insurance, and while jobs are coming in, which is great, i’m going to kill myself sooner rather than later with this workload)

i need to figure out a way to reduce the time i spend each day with just answering emails/messages/asks/mentions because it takes away a lot of time that i should spend drawing and while i really want to reply to everyone who takes the time to write me, i just can’t do it anymore without losing too much time orz so i’m trying to think of a solution, like a ?? monthly post in which i just reply to questions i’ve gotten a lot or something IDK

taxes wtf

as much as i love doing commissions, i do need to find a way to be able to work just as much on personal projects, because in the end that’s what i really want to do and what gives me the needed motivation to wake up in the morning and continue to work hard on myself and my skills

speaking of mornings, i need to find a daily routine again, my hours are all over the place, which i had decided i would allow myself for some months but it’s time i made a proper schedule that i can stick to

anyway, my current income consists of commissions, leftover comic sales and nice people who send me donations through ko-fi ; ;

at the end of the month i have not actually made any money though, usually i have a bit of a loss but that’s fine since i’m just starting out and you can never expect to make profit immediately when you start a business. i’m still figuring things out and will hopefully manage to actually make enough money to live off soon lol;;;;;;;;;;

i hope this ?? answers your questions?? if there’s anything else you wanna know, feel free to ask &i’ll try to not take 3 months to reply LOL

i’m more than willing to share whatever little experience and knowledge i can offer, i don’t believe in keeping things to yourself just so that nobody else can benefit from them, i think it’s much better to share information and help each other out if possible ;;;;

also i’m sorry if this is too much information that nobody asked for, i have never learned how to get to the point quickly OTL

#Anonymous #answered #hits posts before i change my mind aaaaaaa

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sanguinesprout · 6 years

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It’s icy and foggy out, but it won’t stop me (updates and other thoughts)

Ah hah... I kinda remembered and then forgot/put off writing this post a couple times over, but it’s fine ‘cause I’m doing it now. The past month or so was a tiny bit exciting and quite a bit disappointing lol.

Health-wise it’s been pretty same-y, not so good but not the worst, but..! I am making an effort to go to the drs to try sort out more of my long time physical health worries, because health is important and time is of the essence! I hope things go well, I’ve already researched the heck out of what I finally think it could be, but would like the confirmation and advice. Putting off checking on things just lets the problem get worse, it’s best to try resolve it or at least know more about it and gain some peace of mind. Look after yourself, you only have one body and good health is of vital importance!

Oh ack! I just remembered though, my favourite, super nice doctor left before christmas. I was sad to see them go but I hope they are able to have a well deserved rest and I wish them all the best. I feel kind of regretful that I didn’t thank them even more than I did, but it was just so sudden, I was kinda taken aback and blanked. Anyways, I’ll always be super grateful for their help, it really meant a lot to me that they were so genuinely kind and helpful to me and everyone else. If only there were more people as awesome them (esp. drs, which is such a rarity). I’m going to see one of the new drs, who knows, maybe they’ll be nice too (anyone and everyone is better than the one I had a few years back ugh lol)

Onto the job related stuff where the smol excite happened. I was invited for an interview in the retail place I wanted. It was my third time applying to them and my third interview ever, but unfortunately it was third time UNlucky. I think I only got the opportunity for interview because of my sis(she works there already) but I’m still really happy that I had the chance to experience it at least and I did try my very best this time, which I am really proud of and she was too :’)

When I met the other candidates, I initiated conversation and was super nice, inquisitive and complimentary (maybe a bit too much orz it’s such a cringey habit). The people were all super nice and everything but hearing their work credentials and feeling their confidence really made me feel how lacking I am. Like I kind of knew I didn’t really have much of a chance but this just solidified it lol. Despite this I still really tried my best with conversing with candidates, doing the practical and the interview (which was slightly more laid back and friendly than the previous ones, thank goodness).

I think overall I had all the right kind of enthusiasm but was just lacking in general work experience. I’m not mad that I didn’t make it, because it’s only logical they’d want people with more experience, besides other candidates didn’t get through either hah. I know there were parts that I made small slip ups, and parts where I sounded really derpy and naive, and for a long while later I kept mulling on them but before that I had such a boost of mood, because I tried really hard and that is such a big achievement in itself for me ^^ Next time I’ll try even harder! I can do it! Everyone can do it!

I haven’t really done much art or productive things lately, but I did start doing the online survey/study type things and have made some nice pocket money (as well as some from selling random unwanted things) ^^ Something is better than nothing, I’m actually surprised that they really work and the pay out is slightly more than I expected. Though I still view small amounts of money as a lot when really they aren’t at all and I spent quite a bit of money lately on unnecessary but nice things, but I’ll try harder to resist and save better from now on. It’s imperative especially in the situation of my family and living space :<

I haven’t been talking or interacting with anyone online or irl besides my family and that’s no good. I’m falling back so deeply into the comforts of avoidance, but it...idk I just feel like such a bother, such an unlikeable weirdo, it just makes it so hard to try, but I do want to. I feel really guilty for always looking and admiring people’s content without reciprocating more than a like and sometimes not even that, but I’m just so scared and ashamed of everything I say and do...

C’mon me, you did better than this previously! Don’t let all these stupid thoughts convince you that you aren’t worthy to be heard or connect with others! Conversation, comments and other interaction is appreciated and desired, don’t feel like you are a bother. Think of things from another’s point of view. Don’t worry about what others may think, especially in a negative light as it is probably not anything remotely like that either. Just go for it! Build back your confidence, fight the avoidance, make people smile!

Posting my own content has also been forever pushed back too, the first step is always the hardest, why can’t I just will myself to take it..? I don’t want my life to continue to be controlled by fear and self-loathing and sabotaging and everything other negative possible. I need to try harder to change and to remember not to be so hard on myself. Fears can be beaten, the irrational thoughts can be rationalised, self esteem can improve and good habits can replace the bad. Baby steps as always but never stopping, I want to get to a place where I can truly do the things I want to and feel good about myself. Don’t give up! Keep going!

I need to reinforce all the good stuff, even just re-read my own writing but tbh I kind of avoid visiting my own blog, because even though I’m starting to write out my feelings and things a bit more truthfully, I still feel so much shame. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, this too is a great achievement, nothing is ever perfect or has to be, just keep trying your best!

I prove myself wrong all the time, I just don’t take notice of it all. I have many things to be proud of everyday even if they seem so small and insignificant to me or other people. I wrote this post when I thought I wouldn’t be able for the nth time. I even did it without the soothing music I normally use, hah!

I guess I’ll stop here while I still have my mood patched up. There’s some stuff I planned to do today and I’ll do that but also keep in mind the things I’ve been pushing back. It’s never too late, better late than never!

Pats on the back for everyone and their achievements, no matter the size!

Have a cosy and productive, self-loving month! :D

#avpd #depression #social anxiety #mental health #self-motivation #physical health #thoughts #feelings #nothing ventured nothing gained #it's never too late #better late than never #don't be so hard on yourself #challenge the negative #be proud of who you are and what you can achieve #look after yourself and your loved ones #believe in yourself #you can do it!

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soysaucevictim · 5 years

Text

Week 2 of the new program... and other things...

Jan. 11

I woke up proper a bit after noon. Tried to get up a bit earlier - but weird dreams and feeling kind of groggy made that a bit too hard.

Started on some of my exercise pretty much right away.

First, today’s DD. 50 balance back kick with EC. I love kicks and always appreciate balance-work! It takes more focus, but is so satisfying! Like many skills, I'm happy that I'm much more sure in my footing and centering than when I started out! :D

Second, Day 7 of the BLP Level 3, one superset. All upperbody stuff, this time. It certainly got tough to keep the arms up after a few sets without much recovery time. The wide shoulder rotations actually seem to serve that role, during such a challenge, though!

(After far too much distraction... and doing this later than intended.)

Third, 5′ warmup. I just did some march steps for the duration.

Last, Day 13 of the KCP. I somehow managed to get this done in less than an hour and a half. I don’t think I dropped exercises/sets anywhere. Regardless, it was reasonably tough. I rested about 30″ in between sets, much less between exercises or side switching. But I did make some modifications.

Went through #1-4 & 10-11 with just body weight. For #5-9, I wore ankle weights, 3.5 lbs per ankle. And for #12, I increased the resistance band from 3.0->3.7 lbs. That was an interesting experience! Did wobble a bit for the curls and calf raises with the new weight - but they were pretty doable. Keeping the new band - I think I’ll strap on the wrist ankle weights for just #4, & 10-11. And I may alternate for the next couple weeks just for variation in intensity. :Ic

Blah. I failed to get to bed on time again. No cutting it close this time.

Jan. 12

I got up a bit after 11 AM.

Did some shopping and watching YouTube before getting down my exercise for the day.

First, today’s DD. 40 bridges with EC. Just a pretty fun and manageable one! :D

Second, Day 8 of the BLP Level 3, one superset. I’ll treat this one also as a warm-up for some of the lower body work here.

Third, Day 14 of the KCP. Similar situation to yesterday... got it under 1 hour and 20 minutes, somehow. I did swap out weights for the exercises I mentioned yesterday. Things are getting notably easier. But maybe, that’s because I’m getting through the exercises in more of a rush... orz

After distractions and frustration - I decided I would stay up late to work on art.

Jan. 13

I got up proper a bit before noon.

Did some dishes and watched some YouTube, before getting in some exercise.

First, today’s DD.40 heel taps with EC. Needed to tweak positioning to get into the rhythm, but this was a pretty fun exercise. :D

Second, Day 9 of the BLP. Level 3, one superset. Keeping the arms up throughout was pretty tough, this time. Only really opportunities to drop was ticking the sets - resting for less that 10″ or so. I also decided to double the balance counts to go 20 per side per set, that helped get the shoulders fatigued. Pffft! :,D

Third, 5′ warmup. I did 1′ of each: march steps, step jacks, march steps, seal step jacks, and more march steps. It was mildly tougher given having to keep my arms up a lot, in the BLP. :,D

Last, Day 15 of the KCP. Approached the same way as Day 13, I think that was a pretty good choice. Not much to really note. I didn’t clock how long it took exactly - but it was definitely a bit under 2 hours. Did take a bit longer between #9 & #10 - to switch the video I was watching as background noise.

I took a shower and spent some time working on art, before getting to bed. Not on time again - but I’ll cut myself some slack here.

...

Jan. 14

I woke up a bit after 8AM.

Got to the facility attended Seeking Safety Group, a therapy appointment, socialized, and worked on some art.

Got home and set up the PS4 I bought a few days ago. Then after some more of the usual, my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 2′ extended [leg] swings with EC. I counted 201 reps in total. I'm happy I could keep it pretty even in terms of pace! :P

Second, Day 10 of the BLP. Level 3, one superset. This did get pretty challenging to hold the arms up the whole time - but the hip rotations served as minibreaks to make it more doable. Otherwise, pretty breezy work for me!

Third, 5′ warmup. I kind of forget what I did. I want to say it was that normal march steps + step jacks combo. Neglected to jot that one down - I just know I spent that much time doing it.

Fourth, Day 16 of the KCP. Rest day. Broken record, but man. I’m glad I scheduled these where I did. I was pretty beat after everything,

Last, Day 5 of the G2BC.Though I did contemplate on getting more work done, I was tired enough to get to bed at a reasonable time. Was in the yellow zone.

Jan. 15

I got up proper a bit before 1PM.

I made some phone calls, spent a good chunk of time collating sleep data, doing dishes, and making dinner, before getting into today’s exercise.

First, today’s DD. 40 plank rotations with EC. Had a close call with my balance - but I could get control of it for all 40. ;P

Second, Day 11 of the BLP. Level 3, one superset. Pretty breezy and I think it had enough legwork to count as a warmup for the KCP.

Third, Day 17 of the KCP. Active day. I approached this like Day 14. Pretty doable in a bit under 1 hour & 40 minutes. Did note eyes watering a bit - but that’s tendon strengthening stuff for you.

Last, Day 6 of the G2BC. I did manage to get to bed in the yellow zone, today.

Jan. 16

I woke up a bit after 8AM, today.

Got to the facility, worked on some art, attended WRAP Group, and socialized.

Got home and set up the new 2DS, gamed a bit and got roped into going to the grandparents’ place. We ate dinner and played some cards - I noted I was going extremely overboard with the sugar/snacking (because sleep deprivation).

Got home, only had the energy to do today’s DD. 1′ side leg raises with EC. (I counted 56 reps by the end - very close to 1/sec. But today took a lot of energy out of me - so that was an acceptable but still fun pace.

Despite being extremely tired, I still went to bed late.

Jan. 17

I woke up a bit after noon, today.

First, today’s DD. 1′ elbow plank without EC (EC condition was 2′). I thought about trying for that 2', but decided I wasn't really up for it today. :P

(Then after many regretful hours playing DS games...)

Second, Day 12 of the BLP. Level 3, one superset. This was doable if extremely late and a bit redundant with the KCP, today. I did approach the calf stretches as 30 ct per side per set.

Third, Day 18 of the KCP. Rest day. Given the time, I’m happy it was a shorter rest day.

Didn’t get to bed on time, today, either.

A bit late, but I’m going to go ahead and post this and draft the next one.

#adventures with fitness

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