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tiredmamaissy · 2 days

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Ralak te Sepawn ieyk’itan: Special Episode VI

Labor of Love - Part II

Masterlist ; Rut/Heat/Knotting Info

🔞 minors, do not interact 🔞

Hyperlinks are attached to specific paragraphs that when clicked on will lead you to its illustration by Ralak's insanely talented creator @zestys-stuff. Thank you so much for allowing me to play around with your characters!

Characters: Metkayina!Ralak (25) x Sully!Omaticaya!Reader (20) featuring Metkayina!Zu’té (29)

Warnings: zero smut, angst angst angst, mention of past trauma, expletives, pregnancy, contractions, heavily described labour, blood, mild physical violence, reader is really going through it, ralak is too but he'll be alright i promise, brother!neteyam makes a star appearance, cute family fluff, let me know if i forgot anything

Word Count: 6.5k

Requested: Yes || No

Author’s Note: Hope you're enjoying your tour in angst town...we're almost finished. You could say we're nearing the final attraction, so continue to keep your seatbelts buckled. lol why am i like this? anyways... please don't hate me for this chapter, and i will try my best to get the next one out quicker so you guys can get some closure lool :)

Synopsis: You didn't plan for things to turn out this way. But no amount of denial can make reality go away...

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And when Ralak sees it, he almost caves in on himself. His mask of indifference—of intimidation, cracks. Hell, it shatters. Into thousands of pieces, scattered at his feet. Tonowari’s previous right hand. The banished. His karyu.

Time chips by at a torturous pace. You spend the first hour sitting on the beach, eating some fruit whilst watching what your brothers get up to. Neteyam, of course, is bearing most of the responsibility whilst Lo’ak and Tuk are taking a more easy approach to the day. Mom and dad made sure to leave them with a list of things to get done whilst they’re away—number one being to keep an eye on their sisters.

Number one, check.

All that floods your mind is your mate and if he’s okay. You try to process everything he’s said but it’s all too much to wrap your head around. All too new. Your brothers aren’t much help either, as they claim to be ‘out the loop’ as much as you are. You know it's bullshit, and probably just another thing that they’ve been ordered to keep from you so as not to ‘stress you out’.

Regardless, it’s all you can think about.

Until you feel your son do a flip in your womb, big enough to make you gasp. Your hands immediately fly to your belly, feeling around to gauge his position. A pressure begins to grow against your bladder. One so intense it presses into your tailbone too. The pads of your fingers sink into the skin, tapping around as you make out a leg, then a knee. A hand to the left.

Is he…head down? You think to yourself.

“Everything alright?” Neteyam asks, concern wrinkling his forehead.

“Hm?” You look up, seeing the outline of his silhouette in front of the sun.

“You okay? You’re…you look a little—”

“Oh, yeah. Everything’s fine. He’s moving a lot today.” You smile, catching Tuk excitedly running over in the corner of your eye.

“Really? Can I feel? Please?” She squeals excitedly, falling to her knees in the sand next to you.

“Of course, Tuk.” You smile, and place her hand on top of your stomach, right where his foot is. Only a few seconds pass by until your son gives Tuk a strong kick, making her mouth open with glee.

“Wow! Tey, you gotta feel this!” Tuk exclaims, tugging your brother by the hand so he’s next to you too. Neteyam looks at you, unsure if you’re okay with it. You nod with a gentle smile, tugging his hand over to the other side of your stomach. His hand hovers as he hesitates for a moment, this is his first time feeling his nephew move. He gives you a final look, and gently rests his hand on your belly

A few moments pass and nothing.

“Aww, he stopped moving.” Tuk sighs with a pout.

“Patience, Tuk.” You whisper, feeling him kick on cue. Her face lights up with a beaming smile and Neteyam seems to be in awe with wide eyes and slightly parted lips.

“Woah, y/n. Your tummy’s getting hard.” Tuk says innocently, looking at her brother to see if he feels it too.

“Hm?” You hum, feeling a bit spaced out and achy.

“It is.” Neteyam lets go and keeps his hands to himself, feeling like he’s invading your personal space. A heat floods your back, and you feel your thighs spasm. You begin to groan, holding your breath until the strange feeling subsides. “Hey. You okay?”

You nod, finally release your breath, and hear Tuk’s excited voice. “It’s all soft now!”

“All good.” You smile, but Neteyam doesn’t seem convinced at all. “Ronal says they are normal. They aren’t the real thing. Mom had them with Tuk, remember?”

Neteyams' features soften as he nods, prying his little sister's hands off of you. “Ease up now, Tuk.”

“Sorry, sis.” She says quietly, ears laying flat to her head.

“Nothing to be sorry about.” You say as you roll to your side to get up, shamelessly using Neteyam to gain some momentum. “Think it’s time for me to take a walk, though.”

“Yes, sure. Where are we going?” Neteyam asks, ready to accompany you anywhere.

“I’m going down to the rocks.” You emphasise on the first word, making it clear you need some alone time after being babysat all day. “I think Lo’ak needs some help with the net.”

Neteyam and Tuk look over to see their brother struggling with a tangled fishing net, and turn back to see that you’re already waddling down the beach.

——

Suddenly, Ralak’s back inside of his family marui pod on his iknimaya night. Trapped. Small. Powerless. Cornered by a person he once looked up to. A person he trusted. Manipulated by her heat— her pheromones. A crime punishable by banishment. Forced to give, forced to receive. A betrayal he’ll never forget. A face he swore to himself that he would never see again.

No wonder they ‘demanded’ his presence.

Tonowari and Ronal lose their colour when their eyes land on her. It’s been so many years. They quickly look over to Ralak, who is seemingly falling to pieces where he stands. The expression on his face is no short of pure shock and… terror. Truthfully, the last time they’d seen such an expression on his face was the deaths of his parents and spirit brother. Jake and Neytiri aren’t aware of what’s going on, but they know it must be serious for Ralak to be so…expressive.

They can even see his shoulders heave from how hard he’s breathing, and how his face of terror quickly morphs into something of fury. Tonowari notices the way he tightens his grip on his weapon, and his eyes as they gloss over red with rage. It takes a lot to make this man blind with anger. Tonowari knows if he doesn't step in now that this could turn sour in the blink of an eye.

——

Two.

Releasing a shaky exhale, you begin your walk back to your siblings. That was the second ‘practice’ contraction you’ve had since starting your walk, and your third since coming here with your brothers. Your waddle is becoming more sluggish with each step and the fire in your back is beginning to burn hotter rather than fade out.

“Not now, little one.” You whisper as you caress your bump. “…please.”

Weariness sets in as you make it halfway back, making you perch on your knees to take a break. The fire spreads from your back to your thighs, and up your stomach. You brace yourself for the tight feeling, holding your breath in the base of your chest. You grumble a little, swaying side to side until it passes, which thankfully doesn’t take more than a few seconds.

Three.

Finally making it back to the beach, you see Neteyam and Lo’ak hauling a few sacks on their backs, with Tuk skipping behind them. You overhear Lo’ak trying to convince Neteyam to let him be with the other warriors, and Neteyam reminding him of your parents orders. They stop mid sentence when they hear your heavy, muffled footsteps, taking one look at you and knowing that something isn’t right. Lo’ak in particular, to your surprise.

“Damn. You look exhausted.” Lo’ak says, earning a jab in the rib by Neteyams elbow. “What? She looks like she’s about to pass out.”

“You can’t say that to a pregnant woman, skxawng [idiot].” Neteyam hisses.

“It’s fine. He’s not wrong.” You say, tail dragging low and heavy behind you. Ralak still clouds your mind, and you’re eager to know if he’s back yet. “I want to go home now. I really need to lie down.”

Neteyam just nods, understanding that something deeper is going on. “I will take you.”

“I got it, bro.” Lo’ak interjects, plunking the sack off his back and onto the ground.

“Stay with Tuk.” Neteyam orders, clicking for his skimwing.

“Why don’t you stay with Tuk?” Lo’ak snaps back.

“Guys. Please?” You sigh, waddling towards the winged beast, throwing a leg over its tough back. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Come ‘teyam.” Neteyam smirks, making the bond with the beast and mounting it in one swift move.

As you arrive at your marui, you see Zu’té at the outside fire pit, concentrating on not burning yet another type of meat-on-a-stick. Hearing your arrival, Zu’té turns and acknowledges your presence. He puts down the sizzling meat on a leaf, allowing the fire to continue to burn as he begins to make his way over to collect you. Neteyam and him exchange glances and silent greetings, and suddenly the air is thick.

“Right…I’m going up. Thank you, tey. See you.” You say out of breath, giving him a quick hug.

“Let me—” Neteyam begins.

“No, I’m okay.” You cut off your brother, hualing yourself off the tsurak.

“Right. Kìyevame [see you again soon]. If you need me, send your watchdog.” He speaks clearly, holding you by the wrist to steady you as you get off.

“I will, tey.” You chuckle lightly and make your way to the marui. Neteyam waits patiently, making sure you get in safely.

Zu’té is only half way there when you reach the bottom step, already offering his arm for the stairs. You sigh and shake your head, hurriedly climbing the stairs as fast as your swollen ankles will allow it. For some reason, his gesture really annoys you. Your mood is off and you feel queasy and achy—like your entire body is throbbing.

All you want is for everyone around you to stop babying you, and let you be alone for the rest of the day.

“I got it.” Your voice strains as you wobble ahead, leaving Zu’té and your brother behind. Neteyam remains silent for some time, locking eyes with Zu’té.

‘Keep a close eye.’ Neteyam signs with disquiet wrinkling his forehead. Zu’té gives him a puzzled look at first, but slowly nods when he successfully deciphers the message. Neteyam nods as well and dives underwater.

By the time Zu’té gets to the bottom step, you’re already at the top, clutching onto the railing as you lean forward in pain. You couldn’t even make it into the pod without another hitting you so soon. You take a few deep breaths rather than holding it in, waiting until the tight feeling subsides.

Four.

Zu’té darts up the stairs to your side, offering a hand in support only to be swatted away. “What is it?”

“It is nothing.” You catch your breath and insist that it was nothing—because it was nothing, right?

His brows furrow in disbelief, a look of concern washing over his face. Zu’té allows his eyes to fall to your bulging, veiny belly for the first time, taking in the sight. “You were in pain.”

“I’m fine.” You’re short with him, stony eyes staring into his.

“Someone once told me no good comes from pretending that things don’t hurt.”

“Well nothing’s happening until my husband is back. Okay?” You try to remain nonchalant, to believe your own words.

He simply stares down at you for a bit, analysing your facial expression. Despite your stone cold facade, he can easily see the fear etched into your features. Fear that this baby may come before Ralaks return and that if you allow yourself to accept reality, then it may really come true. He glances down at your hand still stuck to the side of your stomach and swallows, looking back up to you.

“Understood.”

“Right. Now...” You huff, contemplating if you should say what you want to say. You feel like telling him to back off—to give you some space. But he’s obviously just making sure you’re okay. “...I need to lie down. Just, keep an eye out for—”

“My brother? Sure. Rest well.”

——

“Ay’ana.”

The Olo’eyktan lets out a lengthy growl, earning a look from the traitor herself.

“Waari.” She sings with a grin, shifting her leer to his mate behind him. “Ronal.” Her eyes fall to her swollen belly, “You are expecting…again.”

It wasn’t a, ‘congratulations’ either, no. But rather a ‘I see that you are the most vulnerable.’

Ronal scowls, hissing through her teeth. Tonowari steps in front of his mate, blocking her from Ay’ana’s view.

It was one thing to commit kawngkem [a crime; evil deed] and be banished for it, but it’s another to seek uturu with the enemy. She is no longer considered to be among the ‘banished’, but is now the ‘enemy’.

Ay’ana looks behind Tonowari, not at Ronal, but at the two deeper skinned, slender na’vis. She scoffs, the corner of her mouth pulling into an evil smirk, revealing her sharpened teeth. Tonowaris eyes widen when he sees that she’s completely adapted to this vile peoples’ ways by putting a file to her teeth. Her eyes flick past them to the last person, the most important.

“Ralak.” She slowly moans his name as she peers up at him with sultry eyes, allowing her tongue to glaze over her canines. “Such a pleasure.” Ralak winces, chest heaving violently as it fills with repulsion and loathing. “Ah. I remember you being quiet, but not this quiet. Nothing to say to your karyu?”

——

A couple hours have passed and the pain is enough to disrupt your rest. The sunlight dulls with each passing minute, casting a familiar orange hue into the marui. It comes in waves, rippling through you like a bolt of lightning striking the tallest tree in the forest. Making it hard to tell yourself that things are okay—making it hard to keep things quiet.

“Agh!” You groan suddenly, feeling another jolt of electricity shoot up your spine. It stops you in your tracks, the tracks you’ve been burning into the floor with your constant, nervous pacing. You quiet down into a whisper, “...please wait for your sempu [daddy], my child.”

“You—uhm.” You hear Zu’té clear his throat at the door, projecting his voice so that you can hear him through the curtain, “You alright in there?”

“Mmn—yes! Fine.” You grate out, making your way back to the bed to lie down. Your feet are so sore.

“Hungry?” He asks, food in hand in the case you were.

“‘m not.” You try to speak up, but you’re still in the height of the contraction.

He grits his teeth, leaning into the frame of the marui door. “I didn’t burn it this time.”

You wish you could laugh, but you can’t even muster up the strength to raise your voice.

Zu’té lingers at the door quietly, knowing plain as day that you weren’t okay. “...what about water?”

“No...I’ve got.” You say at a normal volume, finally released from the constraints of your pain.

You begin closing your eyes in hopes that sleep may find you, even if it's just for a few minutes. Zu’té remains at the door for a moment longer, feeling so helpless and useless. He sinks back to the floor, putting down the meat and picking up a new, special piece to weave.

Weaving passed the time, distracting him from the tiny sounds that managed to escape your mouth.

Until night fell, and those tiny sounds morphed into deep, lengthy groans and high pitched wails.

——

“Let us begin.” Tonowari speaks over Ay’ana, averting all attention back to their leader, another female that goes by the name of ‘Varang’.

She’s almost grey in colour, embellished with a red headpiece that resembles something of an ikrans wings. Her eyes narrow as she looks straight at Tonowari, standing close to his height.

“Let us.” She hisses with a smile, leading Tonowari to a smaller, private room sectioned by a leather curtain. She motions to Ay’ana to accompany her, leaving the rest of her men to stay with the others. Tonowari lets out a soft grunt, and grits his teeth. He knows he must choose, but his mate is heavy with child and Jake has no interest in leaving his mate in such a place alone. Therefore, he must choose his right hand—Ralak. He motions with a quick tilt of his head, prompting Ralak to clutch his weapon close to his chest and follow closely behind.

——

“Y/n.” Zu’té’s at the curtain again, half considering to pull it back and come in on his own terms. But he would never invade your privacy like that. And by the sounds of it, things are picking up. “Do you need the healer?”

“No!” You shout out of breath, wobbling to the door with a hand clutching your stomach. You lean all your weight against the wall, knowing he’s on the other side waiting. “No healer.”

You’re drenched in sweat, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. He hears your back slide against the surface, and he mirrors your movements, sitting on the floor too. Only a wall sits between your backs, separating you two.

“You’re in labour.” Zu’té speaks, his poor attempt at urging you to face reality.

You know that. Of course you know that. But you don’t want it to be true—you didn’t expect it to happen this way—you didnt want it to happen this way. You take a few deep breaths, concentrating on breathing through the remainder of this horrible feeling. And when it’s finally over, you rest your head against the wall and close your eyes—leaving silence to fill the air.

Where are you, Ralak?

——

The room is much smaller than the one they were in, equipped with some sort of table or workbench with a few spears and bows mounted on the wall. Ralak stands quietly behind Tonowari, as does Ay’ana to Varang.

As they negotiate the terms of the treaty, Ay’ana keeps her eyes locked onto Ralak with a smug look on her face. Her hungry eyes wander, shamelessly taking in every inch of the man before her, surprised by how much he has changed. He’s much bigger, more filled out in his warrior attire. His muscles—more defined, thicker. His skin—calloused and scarred. Inked, unlike before.

And as her eyes trail down the line between his abs they lay upon the six stripes that peak out over the band of his loincloth. Her eyes widen and glisten with greed before darting back up to his face, meeting his eyes that bore into her fearlessly.

What’s worse is that she can see that his mind is elsewhere.

That his mind runs on you. You’re all he’s been thinking about since he stepped off the reef. He feels deep in his heart that something isn’t right back home. That you need him. That perhaps, you’re calling for him right now, swollen and heavy with his child.

And it bothers her.

“It is decided, then.” Tonowari speaks in a confident tone.

“Yes, it is.” Varang’s smile is uncanny as she unsheaths a small, double edged knife from her hip.

She grabs Tonowari by the hand, placing the blade in the middle of his palm, and closes his fingers around it. She rips it from his hand, drawing blood, and then hands Tonowari the knife and gives him her hand. He returns the unsettling act, slitting her palm. She keeps a smile on her face, locking hands with him until their blood combines and drips to their feet.

Supposedly, it is a method of establishing some level of trust between the two. Where each has the ability to do much greater harm, but makes the deliberate choice not to. Then, when blood has been drawn, it is mixed by bringing the hands together, sealing the treaty.

“Bound by blood.” Varang whispers, letting go of his hand to bring hers to her mouth for a taste.

She sighs and smiles, popping a thumb in her mouth before gesturing to him that they leave. Tonowari fights the flinch on his face, disturbed by her behaviour. Ay’ana stays back, watching the two leaders exit the room. But as Ralak is about to leave behind Tonowari, Ay’ana calls for him.

——

Another couple agonising hours pass, and you’re constantly changing positions in hopes of finding some relief. Desperation sets in, making you beg the great mother herself to guide you through this. To bring your mate back home. But there’s still no sign of his return. The night dew settles on all the surfaces around you. Pacing no longer helps, leaving you to take refuge in your bed, panting and shivering.

No matter how much you twist and turn, your stomach only tightens more. Deep groans rip past your lips to cope with the feeling—the pain shooting through your core. Beads of sweat roll off your body at an alarming rate, soaking the sheets on your bed. You feel him move further down, his head now sitting plush in your pelvis, creating an immense pressure that’s almost unbearable. His feet press into your ribs, and with each strained breath you begin to yearn for your mate more and more. For his comforting touch. For the bond.

“Ralak…”

——

“Ralak.” She sings, making him stop dead in his tracks. “A word.”

His ears tuck back and he looks at Tonowari, who gives him a begrudged nod. Ralak sighs and turns around, fixing his mask of indifference tightly to his face. He remains silent, his hand practically bonded to his spear.

“Still tight lipped, hm? Come now, tak. That is no way to treat your karyu.” She speaks in a condescending tone, approaching him warily.

Ralak nearly takes the bait, a heat growing in his chest so hot it makes his jaw tense. How dare she call herself that? To taint such a word? He swallows, taking a single, deep breath to recenter himself as he looks away from her.

“I have to admit.” She steps towards him, the crown of her head meeting the bow of his shoulder. “You have grown into a fine man. You are taller than me now.”

Ralak just looks down at her, still as stone, his mind consumed with the fact that he could be on his way home to you but this…vile creature is keeping him away. But he will do what he needs to keep you safe, even if it means to tolerate this for the time being.

With no reaction, Ay’ana grows frustrated and begins circling him, a single finger tracing around his body.

“You know…My body still yearns for you.” She speaks with a sultry voice, stopping at his side and bringing herself to the tips of her toes to whisper in his ear, “...especially when I’m in heat.”

For a second, Ralak succumbs to her tactics, the ones she used to use on him years ago. A memory, forcibly resurfaced, reminding him of the way she whispered in his ear on that night. It makes him feel so small. Impotent. But only for a second. Ralak recoils, stepping back to create distance between them. He towers over her, dwarfing this small, lanky woman, regaining his confidence and power.

“Is that all?” He growls, looking her dead in the eye—facing his past with no fear.

Facing the reason why he lived in a bottle before he met you. You. You. He can feel you. He can feel you yearn for him and he’s ready to come home to you. For this to be over.

He’s too focused on you to even notice Ay’ana’s face of shock. Shock to know that she’s been releasing her pheromones this entire time and he’s been completely oblivious to them. Which only means one thing.

“You’re mated.” She gasps.

And he’s back.

Staring at a mirror now that he is, too, in a state of shock. Ralak’s heart leaps out his chest, beating so hard that Ay’ana can hear it. How could she know that? He watches as a grin spreads across her face, ear to ear. She knows she’s got him now, despite the jealousy bubbling inside her. She could use this to her advantage—it didn’t matter to her that he’s called for, after all.

“Using tsaheylu for such useless things.” She bellows a wicked laugh, which fades out when she sees an even more serious look on his face. A look that tells her he’s trying to mask something more, something deeper. “Oh? Is there more to it?” The twitch of his brows and quick flare to his nostrils reveals the truth. “I have to know. What is it, hm?” She nears him once more, two fingers walking up his chest. “Come now, you were never this hard to read.”

Ralak remains silent, focusing on slowing his heart rate.

“Is she ill?” She asks as she searches his eyes, fingers grazing across his quivering jawbone. “No, no. It’s not that.” She sighs, stepping closer and closer until his back hits the wall. He moves his head away from her touch, still looking her in the eye—refusing to be the first to break eye contact. Her eyes light up and her ears stand tall.

“She carries your child, doesn’t she?” Her eyes gloss over green with envy. “Pregnant.”

Ralak swallows his spit, the lump in the column of his throat quickly undulating.

“There it is. I knew you would make strong babies.” Her hand slips down his chest, slithering over his abs and down to the twine of his loincloth, causing him to jolt. “Ralak.” She moans his name slowly, “Oh, Ralak. The last I see of you, you were barely covered in this vile ink with no one at your side…and now you are mated and a father to be.” Her fingers tickle the raised skin on his most intimate tattoo. “I have always longed to be bred by you.” Her fingers attempt to burrow themselves under the band of his loincloth.

“Enough.” He lets out a deep growl, shoving her away, dropping his weapon in doing so. She loses and quickly regains her balance in a few seconds, throwing herself on him. He grabs her by the wrists, restraining her with ease so that she can’t come any closer to him.

“Perhaps we need to renegotiate the terms so that you are a part of them, yes?” Her voice is full of desperation, trembling as she strains against him. “How does that sound numeyu? You know we have a population problem, right? We could all use you.”

“I have no interest in being your stud.” Ralak spits, forcefully shoving her away, causing her to stumble back and for her head to hit the table.

He moves quickly, picking up his spear off the ground and heading for the door. She lunges at him, dagger unsheathed from her hip and armed in her hand, whilst her other arm snakes around his throat to pull him onto the ground.

During the struggle, Ralak drags her off his back, resulting in a nasty gash from his collarbone and down his shoulder blade. He hisses from the burn, instantly assuming an offensive stance to plunge his spear through. Ay’ana returns the hiss, crouching with her bloodied dagger ready to strike.

“I will kill you.” Ralak threatens, nearing the pointed tip closer and closer to her chest. “And I will take great joy in doing so.”

“Is that right?” Ay’ana hisses, tail wagging in excitement with unsettling smile spread across her face. She looks as if she’s toying with him. As if she’s playing a game and she’s winning. “Let me have a taste of you.”

“Nìtam! [Enough!]” Tonowari roars as he yanks back the curtain, instantly averting Ay’ana’s attention to him. Perhaps it was her roots calling her to respond to her true leader. Varang appears beside him with a scowl stained on her face, displeased with her subordinate. One more move and the treaty would’ve already been broken.

“Easy, Tak.” Tonowari murmurs, and Ralak relaxes into position next to him, blood trickling down his chest and back.

“Come with me.” Varang snarls at Ay’ana, seizing her by the queue.

“Night has fallen. We will take our leave.” Tonowari speaks roughly, trying his hardest to contain his anger as he rests a careful hand resting on Ralak—leading him out the room.

“In another ten years, Olo’eyktan.”

Tonowari grunts as he and the rest push past the swarming ash people. As soon as they’re far enough, he stops Ralak and has Ronal safely look at his wound. It’s weeping and open, prone to a nasty infection if not dressed immediately. She unclasps her medicine pouch from her hip, and retrieves a small bottle of iridescent liquid, a viscous concoction of herbs, and a needle and thread.

“Come, son.” Tonowari speaks softly, ripping the cork from the small bottle with his back teeth and spitting it on the ground. “That vonvä’.”

Ralak sits on the nearest rock, elbows propped on his knees and head hung low to hide his face. Jake and Neytiri observe in silence, cringing as Tonowari douses the gash with the liquid as Ronal prepares the needle and thread.

Ralak groans, biting down tooth on tooth.

Tonowari leaves a little left in the bottle, offering it to Ralak who is visibly trying to keep it together. He plucks the bottle from Tonowari’s hand and knocks it back, puffing out a sigh.

“Keep still.” Ronal orders, driving the wooden needle through his skin.

Ralak grumbles, letting his head hang between his knees and his hair fall forward. At this point Neytiri looks away, but Jake can’t. His eyes are plastered to the scene unfolding before him as he recognizes his son-in-law’s strength and perseverance.

“That should hold until we are back.” She declares, gathering her supplies and stuffing them back into her pouch.

“Irayo [thank you], Ronal.”

“You’re strong, boy.” Jake mumbles, patting Ralaks back as he gets up. “Anyone care to explain what the hell happened back there?”

Ralak just shakes his head, leaving Tonowari to speak for him. “I will explain on the way back. You all have someone waiting for you.”

Ralak’s ears spring up at the thought of you, giving him a burst of energy to spring to his feet, gather his gear and lead the trek himself. The women walk behind him, concerned about his wound. Tonowari and Jake are left at the back, sharing a look before they begin their journey.

——

“Fuck. Fuck.” You pant, looking down at your trembling hands that sink into the bed through double vision. You sway from side to side, trying to take steady, deep breaths, but the pressure between your legs is starting to make you panic. The possibility that you may have to do this alone is quickly becoming a reality.

Zu’té is the one doing the pacing now, unable to sit still in his spot for much longer. He has long abandoned his woven pieces, burning lines into the patio floor as he walks back and forth outside—conflicted on his next move.

He doesn’t want to go against your wishes and call a healer without you requesting it. But he must keep his word to Ralak—to keep you safe—which means calling for a healer. He chews on the toughened skin on his thumb, listening to your continuous whimpers and whines. By the sounds of it, you’re in active labour now, ready to give birth at any moment.

——

A few hours have passed since they started the trek back home. Everyone has fallen into new positions that work for them. Ralak, eager to be at his pregnant mate’s side, leads the pack, clearing the path for the others. Jake and Neytiri stay not too far behind him, keeping a vigilant eye on their surroundings. Tonowari and Ronal are far at the back, linked together as she trudges on despite her extreme weariness.

“Let us take another break.” Tonowari speaks quietly to his mate, hand on her stomach. They share a look, speaking to one another with their eyes. She doesn’t want to hold up the group much more than she already has.

“No. We are almost there—ugh!” Ronal lets out a sudden groan, clutching her stomach as she doubles over.

Everyone stops dead in their tracks, turning around with wide eyes. Tonowari supports her, and carefully walks her over to a nearby fallen log, lowering her down onto it. She takes a few deep breaths as Neytiri and Jake rush over to her.

“Is it time?” Neytiri asks, crouching down next to her. Ronal nods once, completely in tune with her body and aware of exactly what’s happening.

Which is why she insisted they continue, or else she won’t make it back in time. Ralak watches at a distance, his face contorting with sheer worry. No, borderline distress. He looks almost mortified, but not for the reasons that one may think. They all know why, it's obvious. If Ronal is in labour,

…that means you probably are too.

“Go ahead.” Ronal pants, beads beginning to form at her temple.

But Ralak doesn’t move. He can’t move. He’s at conflict with himself. An internal battle of knowing that he should stay and help, even though he really wants to go—needs to go.

“We got it, son. Go to her.” Jake huffs as he helps Tonowari lift Ronal to carry her. “Go on!” He shouts, prompting Ralak to look to his father figure for approval, to which he meets him with a quick nod before averting his attention back to his labouring mate. And with Neytiri’s soft smile of reassurance, Ralak takes a few steps back before turning his heel and booking it home.

——

“Haah…holy fuck—holy fuck.” You moan, feeling another contraction start up and the pressure between your legs intensify.

This one has you on your hands and knees, clutching the bed head so hard your nails dig into the wood. It’s undeniable now. This baby is coming whether you like it or not. And as the contraction reaches its peak, you scream.

“Zu’té!” It pains you to cry out for his name and not your mates. Hearing your call—your permission to enter—he finally bursts through the door and rushes to your side.

“I’m here, I’m here.” He’s out of breath and on edge.

“I think—oh god—I think the baby’s coming!” You cry out, swooping your hand between your legs to try and feel what’s happening.

“Shit. Like now? Like right now?” Zu’té panics as he watches you, hands hovering around you, unsure of what to do.

“I d-don’t know! I—I don’t—I want Ralak! Fuck, fuck. I want lak!” You cry out in sheer agony. “I want my mate. I-I need him!”

“Y/n. Eywa.” Desperation is potent in his voice now.

The fact that you’re calling out for his brother means the time has come and he feels like a fool to have let this get this far without stepping in. He swallows and takes a breath to calm down, just as your contraction ends and leaves you sobbing on your knees.

“I’m getting the healer.” He says firmly, turning his heel to leave but you grab his wrist before he can walk away.

“No! Don’t leave…Please don’t leave me alone.” You beg, fear glossing over your eyes until it spills onto your cheeks once more. He looks at you with furrowed brows, lamenting for you. Now he’s really conflicted, because this means…it’s him or no one.

“Ah, shit. Shit. Uhm.” He rakes his fingers through his scalp, thinking about his next move. He’s seriously considering going regardless, able to see the situation for what it is.

“Please, Zu’té.” You plead weakly, slowly lowering yourself onto your behind and off your knees, leaning back into the bedhead.

“Okay, okay.” He nods and you let go of his wrist, immediately using your hand to support your stomach. You let your eyes close, they’re swollen and heavy. “Uh–right, right.”

For some reason he can’t stop repeating himself twice. Perhaps it’s his way of keeping grounded. He heads straight for the bucket of water and rag to bring it over to you. He dips the rag into the water, and wrings it out. You barely open your eyes at the sound of the bucket making contact with the floor, and see that he’s nearing you with a damp cloth and raised brows. He’s waiting for your go ahead.

“Yes.” Your voice is hoarse and trembling.

Zu’té begins to wipe away the sweat that’s dripping in your eyes, your forehead, neck and chest. Dipping the rag back into the water, he wrings it out once more and wipes down your shoulders and arms. You can’t help but sit there and close your eyes, allowing him to do it all, exhausted.

Feeling something press against your lips, you open your eyes in a daze. Zu’té holds a cup of water to your mouth, and you drink ardently, gasping for air and closing your eyes when it’s emptied. Sleep calls to you, taking you as you barely manage to mutter out a weak, “...thank you.”

Zu’té calculates another five minutes before your next contraction, giving him enough time to fetch a fresh pail of water—something absolutely necessary for the birth. He leaves you sat up against the bedhead, rag on your forehead as you sleep. But not even three minutes go by before he hears your languid moan.

Abandoning the bucket, he rushes back into the marui, finding you standing and holding onto the marui stilt with one hand as the other tugs at the strap of your top. Seeing you try to undress has him stopping in his tracks and turning his head to look away.

“Y/n—”

“Ughhaa—” You grunt, untethering the knot of your top. Your body is trying to get comfortable for the birth of your son now, and these pieces of cloth feel suffocating. “Get out!”

With that, Zu’té turns and retreats back to the patio, hands on his head as he begins to make his plan. If he flew on his skimwing, he could make it to the village and back with a healer in about ten minutes. But would that be enough time? What if you didn’t have ten minutes? Your pained groan turns into a howl and it makes his ears twitch.

By the sound of that, you might not even have five minutes.

“Come on, baby brother. Don’t make me do this. Please. Don’t make me go back in there. Oh shit—I’m going to have to go back in there, aren’t I? Eywa. Eywa. Okay—It’s okay. I can do this. Childbirth. It’s just childbirth. Right? Right.”

Zu’té tries to convince himself that he’s capable of this despite this not being what he signed up for.

“Okay, Toto. Just do it. Go in there.” Zu’té sounds breathless as he speaks to himself, turning around to face the door. He hears your whimper and his jaw tightens. “Shit. Okay. Right.”

Just as he raises his hand to pull back the curtain, he hears a winded voice.

“Brother.”

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sunnymainecoonx · 3 days

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First

Unfortunately it ends here but errrrr... yuh guess what happens next :3 (details will be written later) sighs I am fully aware there were more efficient ways to post these but this week literally destroyed me so errrr yeah life's great guys(it'll be better from now on)

Oooookay ranting time!! This is gonna be a lot so..... I'd be surprised if you even read it

Based off of real complaints from multiple people, horror doesn't fit in the mtt. For a few reasons anyways...... I won't go into details on that, but ya I decided to make him worse :3 we're travellin' to cannibal horror😈 instead of eating humans he eats actual monsters tho. Because of the lack of magic and also the monsters desperate needs they're slowly turning into flesh and bone.... something horror can actually eat. Not all monsters r flesh and bones though, like papyrus for example(I killed him off guys I'm so kawaii UwU) but anyways.... by just having something in his mouth, horror's starvation gets the better of him and he goes on the hunt... and is essentially insane. I just think... he'd either eat too much or too little, sometimes accidentally starving himself and sometimes going too crazy and just. Eats too much. Either way it's resulted in a lot of vomiting..... he's kind of self aware but he's just too insane to be bothered, and kind of getting bored he gets creative with his food(prey). Sometimes he may psychologically torture them, he likes the hunting games :3 he may add soemthing to his food to see if it'll get better, and he learns a way to add monster dust to his food..... I also think it'd be silly if he studied anatomy as a part of his.... scientific side. The anatomy of critters and underground animals, so if he decides he cares enough he can actually like. Make meat out of. Yk.

As for the bad Sanses part... horror does have Lv but it's rather low bc he works more with psychological torture and cleaning up. He has fed the others human before but he's the only one that can be considered cannibal, considered he ate actual monsters. Anyways he's rlly unhealthy w food bc. Like I said, he either eats too much or too little. He learns more about cooking with nightmares books(he just got books of everything rlly) and bc of his own situation he tries to get the others to eat healthily. I don't think he'd like- take care of his own eating though... bc thoughts r getting back at him. This results in a lot of starving hismelf(cutely repeats myself a bagillion times) which results in a lot of.. "hunger pangs". Like how he reacted to fried human(Aliza) in the actual horrortale comic. So he's got bad first impressions generally...(trying to eat the others)

#sans au #utmv #undertale au #horror sans #horrortale #comic #UwU

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jarofstyles · 1 day

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Lullaby

okay... so here we are with a new vamprry. pleaseee let me know what you guys think, I am a slut for vampy so I figured we needed some more of him in our life :)

Check out our Patreon for early access and 180+ exclusive writings!

WC- 3.1k

Warnings- mentions of blood, vampires, stalking (Edward Cullen has nothing on him), twilight slander, invasion of privacy, morally gray H, etc

-----

Harry hated that stupid movie.

It wasn’t at all what real vampires were. While he wished it was as lighthearted as the movie tried to portray, it was a bit more classy and a lot more hierarchical than the humans would truly ever know. They walked among them, yes, but in more plain sight than they could ever guess. Celebrities, politicians, even royalty were of vampiric life. It wasn’t as silly as this movie suggested, nor did they solely feed off of animal blood. It did taste a bit gamey, did in a pinch, but he wasn’t one who could stomach that sort of pseudo vegan lifestyle. Ever since that movie had erupted from whatever depths of hell it was created, it had caused him nothing but strife. Years later the vampire craze had seemed to slow, but lines were nearly burned into his ears after being subjected to the comfort movie of his unfortunate neighbor and object of his current affection.

He knew it was creepy and perhaps the one thing he shared with the Cullen fellow. Watching her as she slept.

It was dangerous, stupid even, for her to leave her windows unlocked and while part of him wanted to scold her for it, the other part was thankful. He didn’t have to form another guise to get into her house, he could enter directly where his little human laid her head at night and he could watch her breathe. Listen to her breaths and heartbeats underneath the television shows she left on to drown out any noises the old house may make. That’s what she said in her journal, anyway.

He sat in the chair across from her bed, listening to the comfort of her heartbeats as he flipped through the pages. It was an invasion of privacy, he knew it, and while sometimes he felt bad… it was his way of getting to know her. Morals had never quite been his thing anyway, let alone when it came to the girl snoozing in her bed like a pleased kitten in a sunbeam. Maybe he was deluding himself, but he swore that she calmed the fitful sleep when he entered his room. Like her body knew of his presence. Instead of being on edge, like any sensible human would be in direct contact with a predator, she possibly had a miswire of her brain.

For all of the things he knew about her, for his addiction to her scent and being near her, they didn’t talk much. Harry owned the house next to hers, which was originally a rental, but the moment he had caught her scent he knew he had to stay longer.

It was unnatural if you were a human, sure, but if you were a vampire you would understand. There were certain people, certain scents, that drove you insane. That weighed heavily on your brain and acted as an addiction. Y/N had captured his attention the moment he had pulled into the street, Harry immediately clocked that she had been the source of the scent that had caught his nose a few miles away. He’d been meaning to park at his place and go on foot in search of it, but as fate would have it; she was right next door.

To get an invitation into her house, it had been quite simple. Using his cat that didn’t exist as an excuse; he asked if he could come around and look for him in her yard. The little thing had gasped, nodding her head ecstatically and inviting him in without second thought, only with the promise of getting a pet in if he were to find the fictional cat. A good thing for him, but worrying for the future. Inviting people in, vampires in, was incredibly dangerous. He had wanted to scold her for it, to make her understand the danger she had put herself in, but it was much harder to do that when said woman had no idea that his kind could even be a threat to her.

From there it had been waving when he left and she sat on her porch with her book, feet tucked under her body as she rocked on her glider. A pitcher of cherry limeade next to her, sweetening her blood in ways that made his fangs prick his lips. The human did things she had next to no clue affected him so deeply. One particular day he had been desperate to hear her voice, going as far as stealing her mail so he could deliver it to her himself. Knocking at her door, he’d been anxious with anticipation hearing her walk up to the front of her house. Water had been on and there was the faint scent of lemon dish soap lingering in the air along with the slight clinking of dishes, cluing him into the fact she had definitely been doing her dishes. When his obsession did answer the door, his breath had caught in his throat as he looked down at her.

Something about that day had shifted his addiction to her into overdrive. Watching her eyes widen and the smile grow on her face, tendrils of hair falling out of her ponytail and her heartbeat picking up, he had found out that he wasn’t the only one with an interest. He’d handed over the mail, swallowing the lump in his throat as her smaller hand brushed his own. Warm, silky skin, lighting him up with the single touch. It had been a short interaction, mostly due to the burning in his throat as the wind picked up and washed him with her scent yet again. A muttered excuse had made even himself wince as he was mindful of his pace, walking back to his place and getting directly into his car. He’d needed a feed desperately if he was going to be around her.

Harry had done a plethora of ridiculous things in order to slowly wiggle himself into the little human’s life, but getting a pet cat was probably the most ridiculous. A fluffy black cat with golden eyes and a raspy meow had been his pick, letting it have the run of the house and the yard because what if Y/N asked about it? The plan was to get himself intertwined in her life, so he had to have some truths to it.

As oblivious as some humans could be, he knew his human was far more perceptive in terms of figuring out if people had things off with them. Her diary had said as much.

Tonight, he had been chomping at the bit for her to go to sleep. Waiting outside her house, watching her shut it down and go upstairs as he scaled the large tree next to her room for a view. He could tell she was tired, but she sat for twenty minutes scribbling away into her notebook with a smile on her face and the pace of her heart upticking a few times, making him wonder what she was writing about. Was it him? Her certainly hoped so.

It was pathetic. If anyone knew of his wistful sighs and his borderline obsessive routine of slipping into her room one she fell into dreamland, they’d surely remind him that getting involved with a human was surely a terrible idea. It wasn’t unheard of, no, but it ended in disaster some of the time. The vampire counterpart going too far during a feeding, accidentally hurting them during sex, the human getting sick and them perishing leaving the eternal to go insane after. Even still, the threat wasn’t enough to keep him away from her.

As he heard her breathing even out, he climbed slowly into her room and made sure to keep quiet as she hadn’t entered the deepest part of sleep yet. Usually he had some sort of control on his need to be around her but after their conversation in her backyard, he had been itching to get into her mind.

The journal was a deep brown, suede strings around it with a few charms on the worn material. It wrapped around to keep it closed, reminding him of his own journals back in his estate. She cherished each one of her journals, it seemed, and he found himself liking her even more because of it. Humans could be so wasteful, so unaware of the things they produced. His human, though, she was mindful of her footprint. A slight smile twitched at the corner of his lips as he looked down at her sleeping form. Looming over her wasn’t the brightest idea, but something in his restless soul had calmed with the vision of her safe and snug in the warm blankets.

His stomach was full from one of those dreaded blood packets. Nothing like the real thing, required heating, but he needed to ensure she was safe from him. With blood that made his mouth water, even with his strong restraint he wasn’t going to leave anything to chance. The idea of anything happening to her weighed heavily on him, twisting his stomach each and every time it came to light in his mine. “Gorgeous.” He murmured, brushing his knuckle against her cheek. The touch was a compulsion, unable to help it as he felt the warmth under his cool digit. Every time he limited himself to just a few fleeting touches, but he could feel it getting harder and harder staying away from her as the days went by.

Mentally prying himself from her form, he took the journal in his hand and padded over to the armchair in the corner. It gave a perfect view of her sleeping face, the soft lines making his chest squeeze before he opened up the leatherbound book to the newest entry.

‘I saw him again today. I haven’t spoken about him much in here but I think its time to.

He is ungodly handsome. I’m talking, how are you real, greek god, roman statue good looking.’

He had to stifle a laugh, running his finger over the inked words.

‘His name is Harry and we’ve met a few times, but today was the longest we spoke. I finally met his cat, Midnight, which is a less than original name for a black cat but I’ll let it slide. He was so gentle with him, picking him up and letting me hold him. He purred and was absolutely the cutest little thing ever, but I was distracted by his owner. Usually he doesn’t say much and originally I thought he didn’t like me or something, but I think he’s just shy.’

Another thing that made him have to seal his lips from reacting to. Harry wasn’t shy, he was cold. He kept to himself not because he was afraid, but because he wasn’t fond of communication. In her case, though, it was because he wasn’t sure he could keep from asking her to come over to his place and find a way to seduce her. To get her just as addicted to his presence as he was to hers. As morally gray as a creature could be, he didn’t want to force her affections.

‘ He has the nicest voice. It’s quiet but dark and deep and I felt bad for thinking about what else it could say later on, but it’s not like he’d ever know. There has never been another person to his house that I’ve seen that looks romantic, but maybe he just like fuckbuddies. Sucks that hes my neighbor and I get dreadfully emotionally attached, otherwise I’d suggest that sorta thing. Maybe. It’s unlike me to feel so curious about a man considering I’ve been doing my best to try and stay true to my no dating year, but it’s incredibly hard not to want to see more of him.’

Sitting up in his seat, he didn’t suppress the smirk on his face as he read what she wrote down. Maybe one day he’d feel guilt about reading her private thing, but right now? He was fucking thankful he did. There was confirmation of returned interest, interest in more nonetheless. Usually the idea of more than a night of sex would send the vampire running, but his little human had bewitched him. There would be no world in which he could have a single night with her and give her up. Being more in tune with the more primal parts of him, he had the knowledge that it was already finding himself tangled in her web. This mere human trapping his affections in steel threads.

‘I think I’m gonna try and feel him out a bit. Not in a creepy way or anything but, maybe take more initiative. The only problem with that is he is super intimidating and probably a bit out of my league, and I’ve got no damn clue if he’s single or even looking. At the risk of making a fool out of myself, I’m gonna try and see. Mama always did say you never got anything if you didn’t ask. I still can’t believe how many times i've quoted her in here. I wish she was around so I could ask her what to do.’

The smile on his face slipped as he was reminded of previous entries. His sweet little human was pretty alone in the world. She had some friends, was good with the other neighbors, but she had no family. She still had no clue it was him that left her the pie and stack of romance books outside her door on Christmas. He’d feel gutted at the idea of her spending it alone, especially after reading and knowing how badly she craved companionship. There was no true talk of what happened to her family other than there being an accident, but that was something he would let her tell him herself.

‘I hope I’m not just reading into things because I’m a little desperate for someone to want me, but I swore I could feel him checking me out. He gave me a cute little smile and the motherfucker had dimples. DIMPLES! How is it possible for a man as severely handsome as him to look adorable when he smiled? God does indeed have favorites.’

It was definitely a stroke to the ego to know how attractive she found him, but the next paragraph was what really moved him.

‘Above all of that, he seems pretty smart. Really intelligent, actually. He’s quite charming once he starts talking to you, and I felt like he was really giving me every bit of his attention. In a way it was a little overwhelming because I haven’t ever felt that way before from a man, but it was so nice to have someone give me their time without the distraction of phones or work or anything. We talked for probably about half an hour and I found myself getting closer to the fence, almost asking if he wanted to come in for a coffee or if he was down, cherry limeade. I didn’t want to seem desperate though, so I said bye first. Stupid on my part. He seems like the type of person who I could talk to for hours and not get bored. That's a rare type of person. Then again, maybe I am slightly delusional.’

If only she knew.

Harry closed the journal, diligently trying to replicate the way she had wrapped the suede around the leather before getting up and placing it back on her nightstand.

“If only you knew that you make me feel so insane that I’d risk stealing a star for you.” His words were delicate, hopefully entering her dreams. It was abundantly apparent to him that she wasn’t given the proper affection in her life and It would be his job to provide.A challenge he was up for. His fingers found her face again, delicately tracing the curve of her nose as he tried to commit each mark on her to memory. It was interrupted, though, when she let out a little whimper in her sleep, making him freeze and his eyes widen. He was fully prepared to have to wipe her memories, to have her eyes fluttering open and screams leaving her throat, but instead she did the opposite. Hands emerged from under the blankets, lightly grabbing onto his wrist and pulling his cool touch onto her hot cheek. Silky smooth skin, slightly damp from the light sweat in her sleep nuzzled into his palm. He watched as limbs stretched under her before she curled up again and held his hand to her face, urging the touch to stay put.

She was asleep and sought him out. The grip on his sleeve lessened as she fell back into the slumber he was jealous of, wishing he could be in her head and see the things she had running around up there. The sweetest hum left her throat in a final act of settling, Harry allowing the urges to win and ran his thumb over the curve of said cheek. It was astonishing to him, given that her body should be sensing the danger of having the monster who had dreamed of sinking his fangs into her throat, her wrist, her inner thigh, feasting on her blood- but maybe she could also sense that he wouldn’t want to hurt her. Just a taste. He could live with just a taste of her on his tongue. “Sweet little thing…” He swallowed, finding the urge more strong by the moment. All he craved was crawling into the bed with her, pulling her frame into his own and burying his face in the curve of her neck. He would take a little bite, just enough to get it on his tongue before he licked it closed. He wanted to feel her breathing against his hand and hear every shift she made at night, the rush of blood through her veins. It was surpassing the normal urges a vampire would have with his prey, but he had a feeling it had never been normal between them. He couldn’t change it overnight. His body softened as he leaned against the bed, a soft hum leaving his lips as he began to lightly sing the soft lullaby he had been coaxed into dreamland with as a child.

There was no moving him, not until the first hint of sunlight lit the sky azure. The best night of his life had been sitting on his knees by her bedside, allowed to have his cold skin warmed by her cheek as she had put it there herself. When he had to finally pull away, the warmth tingled in his palm as he pressed it to his own cheek and imagined how it would feel the day she let him warm himself from the source. However long that would take, he would wait along for her and let her cling to his unknowing hand to sing her the quietest lullabies to quell any fears she had.

#jarofstyles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfic #harry styles smut #harry writing #harry styles imagine #harry drabble #harry styles blurb #harry styles writing #vampire!harry styles #vampire harry styles #harry styles au #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst

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furiousgoldfish · 2 days

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I'm writing this scared and upset, because I am hoping someone could help me see things more clearly. A nightmare scenario has happened. I received a call, from a person I don't know well, but who has my name and my number, and lives nearby. This person described to me, that there were people on her doorstep, looking for someone with my name and description. My fake name that I use so I wouldn't be found.

This person swears they didn't tell on me, but I am unsure. The story of the people looking for me were 'we are the parents of x, we haven't seen them in 8 years, we just all want to see them, their siblings miss them'. I admitted that it probably was my parents, and I explained why they were looking for me, and asked to be kept a secret from them, as I was sure they would try to drag me back to a life of violence, and I barely escaped. The person calling asked me if I was lying! And then offered to call my parents and tell them I no longer live in the city. I panicked and said no, because if my parents knew this person has my contact, they would be harassing them endlessly until they got my location. The person calling just laughed, not taking it so seriously, and I begged them to just pretend they don't know me.

The location they were looking for me, is not that far from where I live! I am now too scared to go outside. If they ask anyone closer to where I live, people here know my fake name, they'll tell them! Neighbours and people I introduced myself to, they don't know my story, or that they shouldn't betray my location, I felt it safer to be kept a complete secret.

I don't know what to do. I don't have enough money to move right now, or the resources. I am scared to go outside. This is completely insane, they're walking around in the city asking door to door, for my location, under pretense they're just so worried and aching to see me! My mind is going insane from one scenario to the next, if they find my location I can't stay, I'll die. I am thinking about how to get to work tomorrow unrecognizable, I'm working on changing my appearance as much as possible. My life has come to a halt. I can't think about anything but impending confrontation that will decide whether I get to live the rest of my life or not.

It's literally a matter of luck whether I'm found or not. If they stumble on someone dumb enough to point them in my direction, I'm done for. If they search for a while and find nobody willing to point them anywhere, they'll maybe give up. I already called one person on the block and asked them to not betray me, but I don't have numbers for most of the people, and it's terrifying.

Also, I told one of my roommates my situation, because they heard me on the phone, and first they looked down on me for thinking this is an actual threat, but when I explained how serious it was, they started complaining how this is stupid and they now feel uncomfortable living with me if there's people who might come in and cause violence or disturbance. Which hit me like 'now that you're associated with dangerous people you're a burden on society, you shouldn't drag us innocent people into your mess' like this is my fault. Made me feel worse. Roommate is not on my side.

#help #panicking #abusive parents #i am scared #why are those freaks obsessed with ending me

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quaranmine · 1 day

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unintended consequence of introducing my mom to reddit in 2019 is that 5 years later she is 10x more of a redditor than anyone i know now, and also has zero concept of the general reputation of reddit among normal people. everybody stares blankly when this woman in her 60s starts talking about this post she saw on reddit. she brings it up CONSTANTLY. like nearly every conversation. i'm like mom please. these people only know reddit as the incel site, if they know what it is at all

#not saying there aren't older people on reddit but like #let's all be real the general demographic of reddit is 30 y/o men and every time i go on the popular tab i'm reminded of this #next to nobody that my mom interacts with in this rural texan town has a clue what she is talking about #but the confidence with which she cites it #at least she isnt into conspiracies #actuall i'll ammend. she is into conspiracies. but she's into mocking them #which on it's own is a little....i've had to tell her to dial back because she's always bringing up whatever stupid thing she saw online #like she is more chronically online than i am when it comes to what stupid maga people believe. because she hates them #and i'm happy she hates them instead of supports them #but i'm also like mom pls you cannot bring up vaccine conspiracies in normal company everyone thinks you are insane #i SEE their looks as she talks but she doesnt 😭#it's like people will be having a normal conversation about real world things and she will derail into unhinged chronically online stuff #like mom pls everyone else is happily living normal lives offline you are confusing and scaring them LOL

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laura1633 · 2 days

Note

You’re talking about lestappen positivity and I guess we all want to know what is YOUR favorite lestappen moment ? Like the one that altered your mind permanently (Or your top3, we’re not picky)

Okay so I am probably going to go for some really obvious and quite recent ones here but they are key Lestappen moments in my mind. In no particular order:

Austria 2022 - Absolutely insane how happy Max was for Charles and the podium celebration was borderline pornographic in my mind. I will never get over it. It's probably one of the reasons I want to go to the Austrian GP next year!

Las Vegas 2023 - Just the whole weekend that starts with that beautiful joint interview where they were both so giggly and cute together, then we had the insane racing and Max dashing to Charles after the race to immediately apologise! Then we had the two of them squished in the car together (added bonus for the appearance of third-wheel Checo (affectionate!) beside them)

Baku 2023 - Maybe this isn't a key moment but for me this was one of the most hilarious. Max calling George a dickhead and getting really angry only to turn into a smiley idiot and immediately calming down the second Charles winks at him. It was just like something out of a comedy show.

I mean I haven't even mentioned the Monaco hug here but that surely needs to be up there!! There are just so many moments to pick from!

Feel free everyone to send me your favourite Lestappen moments.

#laura1633 asks #Lestappen

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ereardon · 7 hours

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Before I Knew [Jake Seresin x Reader] Chapter Fourteen

A Jake Seresin unexpected pregnancy fic

Overview: On your first night after moving to San Diego to spend more time with your brother Bob, you unknowingly have a one night stand with his teammate Jake Seresin. For the first time in his whole life, Bob has a closely knit friend group and you’re desperate not to rock the boat. But an unexpected and unplanned pregnancy upends your world, forcing you and Jake closer together, against Bob’s wishes. What will happen when you find yourself actually falling for the father of your unborn child?

Pairing: Jake Seresin x Reader; Bob Floyd x Sister!Reader

Warnings: Pregnancy, cursing, eventual smut, angst

Chapter summary: Ducky and Jake have a breakthrough

WC: 1.2K

Masterlist here; previous chapter here

You held up a pair of baby Nikes. “What about these?”

Phoenix shook her head. “Don’t even bother with newborn shoes, they grow out of them right away it’s a waste.”

“How do you know?”

“My sister has three kids,” she said, roaming down the aisle of the baby store.

“Aw, Auntie Natasha,” you cooed.

She grimaced. “Don’t you dare call me that.”

You laughed. “Try and stop me.”

Phoenix rolled her eyes. “So, where did you two leave off?”

You groaned. We just awkwardly said good night and when I got up this morning he was gone on a run.”

“Got it.”

You turned to her, one hand on your stomach, the other resting against a bookshelf. “Am I being insane? Or is it crazy of him to ask me to move into a house together?”

“Both,” she replied. “You’re stubborn, and he’s stupid. A really phenomenal duo.” Natasha leaned in toward your stomach. “Your parents are doo-doo heads, baby.”

“He doesn’t want me, he just thinks it’s what’s right. To Jake, it’s all about the logical next step. But nothing about this is logical.”

“Have you two actually sat down and talked?” she asked. “Since you moved in together.”

You paused. Natasha was right. You and Jake hadn’t had a productive conversation in months. And the clock was ticking. You still had baby classes to sign up for and books to read and hospitals to tour. Not to mention all of the unknowns. What was going to happen when you had the baby? How was coparenting going to look?

“You’re annoying,” you replied, putting a baby bottle in the cart.

Natasha laughed. “Only because I’m always right.”

***

The faster Jake ran, the less space he had in his head to think of you.

As his feet hit the pavement, he tried to push the thoughts that had taken up residency in his mind to the fringes. He was tired of not knowing where the two of you stood or if you cared about him or if you were simply going to disappear one day, never to be heard of again. He was too tired to hide what he wanted any more.

He wanted you.

He wanted you and he wanted the baby and he wanted everything that came with it. But wanting you was more complex than it seemed. You were like a wild horse, spooked easily. He had spooked you before, when he mentioned the house. That was too fast and too big.

He had to take a step back and let you breathe. But Jake wasn’t used to small. He was all about big gestures. He was trained to go fast, and that trickled down into his everyday life.

For the first time in his life, Jake wanted to go slow with someone.

***

You woke up to screaming.

It had been months since Jake had experienced a nightmare. And still, the yelling made your skin start to prickle with cold sweat. You were slower to get out of bed this time, bump barely covered by the thin tank top as you rushed down the hallway, swinging his door open.

Jake laid on the bed, thrashing. You approached carefully, reaching out and trying to grab his shoulder. His hand came out and smacked you, hard, across your upper arm and a gasp escaped from your throat. Jake’s eyes shot open and you dug your fingers harder into his flesh, holding onto him.

“Y/N,” he choked out, green eyes wild.

“It’s me,” you whispered. “I’m here. It’s just a dream. You’re alright.”

His bare chest continued to heave, heavy thick breaths. You smoothed your fingers over his upper arm, across his shoulders.

“I’m here,” you repeated.

“Stay with me,” Jake asked quietly. You frowned but he turned and there was a sadness buried along each crevice of his face. “Please?”

“Scoot over,” you whispered. Jake inched over and opened up the blanket. You laid yourself down with a small grunt, the weight of the baby sitting on your uterus, and turned to your side to face Jake. He was still on his back, chest glistening with sweat, staring at the ceiling fan that whirled in a tight circle. “What happened?”

His lips were pursed tightly. “It’s always the same,” he murmured. “I’m in the air. And then I’m not. And I’m just falling and falling.” He turned his head. “But this time, I had time to think.”

“What were you thinking?”

“That I would never get to meet our daughter.”

Without thinking, you found yourself nestling into the space next to Jake, your head resting between his shoulder and arm as his fingertips landed on your back, your belly pressed up against his side. “It was just a dream,” you whispered.

“Do me a favor,” Jake said softly.

“I’m already giving birth to your child but sure, what’s another favor.”

“Don’t take her away from me.”

You looked up, but Jake wouldn’t meet your gaze. So you reached up, placing your hand against his jaw, tilting his head toward you. “You’re her father. Nothing is going to change that.”

“If you’re gone, so is she.”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” you asked. “That I’m going to keep her from you?” Jake nodded. Your fingers traced softly down his jawline. “I wouldn’t do that.”

Jake was quiet for a moment. Then, “That’s only part of it.”

You frowned. “Hmm?”

“I’m worried about losing both of you,” he murmured.

“Jake,” you whispered.

“I know you want to see other people, but I don’t want you to.”

“But you’re seeing other girls.”

“I stopped,” he said and your breath caught in your throat. “That’s not what I want.” Jake reached out and hovered his hand over your belly. You caught his hand in yours and placed it, gently, on your bare stomach. It was the first time in months that Jake had touched your belly. It was larger now, properly rounded and stretched, and you felt his breath suck in as his fingertips grazed over your warm skin.

“Alright,” you whispered. “We give this a try. If that’s what you want?”

“It’s what I want.” Jake’s eyes focused on yours. “But is it what you want?”

You reached up and lifted his face toward yours, sliding your thumb across his lips. “I think so, yeah. Worth a shot, right?”

And then you leaned in, pressing your lips to his.

Please follow my library page @ereardonlibrary as that will largely serve as my tag list. Anyone I previous promised to tag is here:

@blue-aconite @withahappyrefrain @wkndwlff @djs8891 @clancycucumber230 @gigisimsonmars @xomrsalliej4787xo @myfaveficrecs @mycobrakai1972 @sio-ina-bottle @joaquinwhorres @justanothermagicalsara @je-suis-prest-rachel @shanimallina87

@rosiahills22 @buckysteveloki-me @kmc1989 @eloquentdreamer @mjisbby @seresinslady @seresinhangmanjake @blackwidownat2814 @bbyvanessaa @mrsjobarnes @midnightmagpiemama @ingoaliesitrust @rockbottomphilosophies-blog @iangiemae @boiolay @sometimesanalice @na-ta-sh-aa @bobfloydsbabe @kmc1989 @rosiahills22 @palepeanutponyshoe @onceupona-happilyeverafter-love @mel119g @daggerspare-standingby @grxcisxhy-wp @mrsjobarnes @csmt-m @rockbottompunk-blog @joaquinwhorres @xoxabs88xox @spinning-away @bobfloydsbabe

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seneon · 16 hours

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where they like to kiss you ──── mashle various.

featuring. mash squad, rayne, orter, abel, abyss.

notes. i don't think this has been done before so here it is. these are all toe-curling fluff gn! reader headcanons btw !

𖥔 ݁ ˖ MASH BURNEDEAD

he likes to kiss your hands. not really great with his words or with his actions, he prefers the most unawkward part to kiss you. out of the blue, mash will take your hand in his and play with it a little, maybe even rubbing some circles with his thumb. then... he'll quickly kiss it. that's only at the start of your romance with him. as your relationship progressed, he'll leave longer kisses on your hands because honestly he loves it when you cup your face with those hands.

𖥔 ݁ ˖ FINN AMES

definitely your cheeks. he finds your cheeks very plum and nice to kiss. it's nice to play with your cheeks too! it's like squishing mochi except it's a very cute mochi and finn absolutely loves this mochi. he's so precious and cute that sometimes he'd lightly rub his cheeks against yours when he hugs you. very much likes to poke your cheeks too. this boy will never stop playing with your cheeks he just loves them so much idk why but i feel like he's into chubby people or people w round faces...

𖥔 ݁ ˖ LANCE CROWN

forehead kisser! when you're busy doing your homework, he goes down to smooch. when you're talking to him, he leans down to smooch. when you're just existing, smooch. his forehead kisses are quick, but they are filled with love everytime. will do it in public, no shame. probably has a dangerous addiction with kissing your forehead everytime. it's like he cannot live without it. after those kisses, lance will always compliment with whatever that's like cheesy enough to make you giggle. he's so prince charming mmm

𖥔 ݁ ˖ DOT BARRETT

lips lips lips. will do anything just to kiss your lips even if it meant to trick you. dot's very sneaky about getting those kisses too. to him, he won't really kiss anywhere else cuz he believes lips are the only way to properly kiss and transfer his love and affection to you. whether it's a quick or a makeout session, he never fails to pour so much love in them. oh yeah he gets red after kissing you so much and covers it with his pride while telling himself he's cool and stuff. this boy is the type to lean his forehead on yours just to look into your eyes after he's done kissing you too.

𖥔 ݁ ˖ LEMON IRVINE

lemon loves to kiss your entire face. she cannot resist cute things or the sort, and you're so very cute to her. of course she'd shower your WHOLE face with kisses! every day, lemon gets a cuteness overload upon seeing you and just boom. shower kisses all over your face. if she wears a dark shade of lipstick, your entire face will be full of her kisses imprints, not that you mind though. she gets extremely shy after bursting with those kisses though, so make sure to show the same amount of love for lemon babygirl!

𖥔 ݁ ˖ RAYNE AMES

this is weird, but anywhere with your moles. he finds moles very interesting and endearing, believing in the mole myth where your past lover kissed you most on your mole spots. if your past lover kisses you at that one spot so much, that means that's the best spot, rayne believes so. your moles do not lie though, he finds it lovely to kiss your moles. who knows... maybe he loves to kiss the moles under your fabric too 🤫 he doesn't only kiss those specific mole spots though, he'll kiss your lips a lot too.

𖥔 ݁ ˖ ORTER MADL

a classic temple kisser. aka, the side of your head. orter will gently grab your chin or head or move your shoulders to the side jusso he could kiss your temples. he'll shift your hair aside too, if they're in the way. after kissing your temples, he pulls you in a long long insanely long hug. just for him to kiss your temples or your head even more. for some reason he likes to quietly rub your temples for you too. yay, free temple massage from the best massager himself!

𖥔 ݁ ˖ ABEL WALKER

i feel he'd be clingy in a way, yk. so, when abel clings onto you, he adores kissing your shoulders. he's not really good with kissing elsewhere because he thinks that he'd end up doing something wrong but if it's your shoulders, he doesn't mess it up. it's a comfort thing for him to do, to lean his chin on your shoulders then bury his face into your shoulders to kiss them. very often the lang prefect will sneak up and hug you from behind and ofc, kissing your shoulders.

𖥔 ݁ ˖ ABYSS RAZOR

wherever you let him. he doesn't know what to do when it comes to kissing or affection at all. you're always the one kissing him and showing him love so he doesn't really have a favourite spot to kiss you. if he does want to kiss a very specific place, he'll ask for you and you'll allow him, since he rarely ever kisses those places. i think he prefers hands or somewhere on the face though, like your cheeks or nose. well abyss is still learning and trying 🥹

TAGS 𖥔 ݁ ˖ @kyoghurts @anqelically @dragonictears @caelivir @itonashi @yusume-the-writer @dabi-drift @m4shiho @shuulsan

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brokenwinebox · 1 day

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Claire: Ominous Or Naive?

this meta is still based on @vacationship and @thoughtfulchaos773 posts on molly’s interview but i’m focusing on claire more individually as a character inspired by @yannaryartside’s meta on her (maybe purposeful?) manipulative behavior. if you would like the full context please read the following in order:

vacationship’s meta w/ molly’s interview

thoughtfulchaos773’s meta on the topic

brokenwinebox’s meta on pushing

yannaryartside’s meta on claire

↓ extra long text below

word count: 9.8k

claire is one of the most controversial characters on the show the bear. people hate the way she was messily written by the writers and others don’t seem to mind it. but the question will always be on whether the strong dislike for her character is justified or not necessary.

carmy is an integral part of claire’s story.

it’s why i struggle so much with writing claire individually, because all the writers have done is only make her relevant through carmy.

in result of that, this will be a deep dive on claire’s character, but also a deep dive into carmy as well.

you’ll be in my mind, and see my thought process on everything regarding claire, carmy, and clairecarmy. basically, you’ll see my theories and attempt to understand claire and carmy as characters. am i insane for making this? yes! this will be a pretty long post, sorry!

throughout this claire analysis, i’m going to try to approach the topic of manipulation with the most neutral tone possible. i’ll raise a lot questions and maybe you could try to fill in the blanks for yourselves. i don’t really have any experience with psychology so if anyone has more knowledge/experience on the topic, don’t hesitate to join in.

before we get into it, i think we need to raise a general question that could be used throughout this meta: does claire truly have an ominous presence or does she feel naive in the way she handles her relationship with carmy?

this is where my previous post about the pushing involving claire and marcus come into play. we don’t know the full connection with sydcarmy and what the mutual pushing entails quite yet. doesn’t mean we shouldn’t think about them when i bring this question up.

how much pushing is warranted before it becomes manipulative?

for me, the problem always stemmed from the way the dialogue was handled. at first, it almost felt like you could look right past it and enjoy the rest of show. unfortunately, the dialogue is far too glaring for me and seemingly an endless amount of people feel the same way.

it always felt like carmy could be open sometimes to what claire suggests but with way she adds unnecessary verbiage like the “owe” and “say that one more time”, it felt like this optional door was closed and now we’re watching him not even have a chance to deny or accept. hence, why in my pushing meta, i said claire gets constant (reluctant) acceptance.

claire is a character that can’t be explicitly defined. it’s probably why the panic attack from carmy was such a striking moment in his brain and for the audience. maybe claire isn’t supposed to be heavily defined because carmy himself can’t define her. she’s just a girl he ended up rekindling with but he can’t define his feelings and ultimately, their relationship as a whole.

does he love her? is she his girlfriend? if he was sure, he wouldn’t hesitate to answer.

seems like carmy is throwing metaphorical spaghetti/his thoughts on the wall/his brain, hoping some of the noodles/his past and present will stick. fak’s meddling won’t work if he’s going against carmy’s utmost inner thoughts and feelings.

that’s probably why, in his head, claire could be the perfect choice for carmy to choose romantically. claire is representative of his past and present. i’ll elaborate further into that later.

in s1e8, he mentioned before in al anon that he was trying to fix the beef because he wanted to fix his relationship with his brother. even mentioned potentially fixing the whole family.

would carmy do whatever it took to sew his family back together and continue to date someone he didn’t have strong feelings for?

now that i laid out the groundwork, let’s start from the beginning of their relationship and work our way through it until the s2 finale.

i have a frozen in time theory when it comes to clairecarmy. might be worth checking out if you want to understand my thought process.

Reunion By Grocery Store Fridges

we’re in the grocery store and carmy is getting veal stock from a grocery store fridge. carmy is looking down at the veal stock, lost in thought (thinking of sydney maybe?)

we see claire approaching through the reflection of the glass door. she freezes, probably in recognition. she asks if that’s the person she thought it was.

carmy remained silent, like he was trying to place a face to a name. they stare at each other in silence until he finally reached to what her name was.

claire was hearing about all his endeavors through mikey so, it’s not surprising she automatically recognized him. carmy probably barely hears anything from his family.

claire: “so, how’s your life been, berzatto?” carmy: “i have no idea. how about you?” claire: “i have no idea.”

they nod at each other in acknowledgment. this is possibly when they felt a kinship between each other. both can’t define what’s been going on between them in life. it was a temporary relief, kinda like ice on a bruise. maybe this was the only time claire was being real with him. that little connection he felt is what prompted him to stay with her to talk.

they’re leaning on the fridge, catching up on the other’s life. she talks about how she’s has six months in her residency in her study on emergency medicine. carmy brings up how it sounds intense, could be potentially thinking about his past intense work in the kitchen. this furthers the connection between them.

claire: “when we were like six, she fell off a fence and broke her arm and it scared the shit out of everybody. except me, i just like sat there and stared at her arm.” carmy: “cause you wanted to fix it?” claire: “i wanted to understand it.”

she wanted to understand a broken arm. is this the writers telling us she want to understand him because she assumes he’s broken? why else would the writers make her say that?

carmy talks about opening the restaurant and claire looks at him with excitement.

claire: “why what are you doing?” carmy: “opening a restaurant.” claire: “you’re doing the thing.” carmy: “trying to, yeah.” claire: “still, i love the name.”

this is when we find out that claire knows the name of the restaurant. this was always strange dialogue to me because wasn’t carmy shy? why would he talk about something that personal? and with a crush, no less.

this is when i started messing with the idea that it wasn’t carmy who told her. what if mikey told her?

carmy: “how could you remember the name?” claire: “because you’re the bear, and i remember you.”

this is claire’s attempt to reach out to him emotionally. extending an arm. a silent little, “i see you. you’re not alone.”

this is a great juxtaposition to line sydney: “you’re the most excellent cdc at the most excellent restaurant in the entire united states of america. so, what are you doing here, i guess?”

what if this is when carmy senses the lie or something off behind her words? what if he knew he wasn’t really being seen at all? maybe he senses that claire wasn’t really talking to him. (mikey? his high school presence?)

what if he saw his past through her and he didn’t like it?

i can’t get over his reaction to that line either. you would expect it to be this happy expression but it wasn’t. carmy looked lost, almost dissociated.

perhaps, because claire wasn’t being genuine after that bear line, maybe carmy senses it and that connection he felt is lost. she asks for his number which causes him to give her a wrong one. it looked like he had that same dissociated look when he was telling her his number.

in result, this naturally slides down in place with the juxtaposition to syd’s “this was my dad’s favorite spot when i was a kid. come here every sunday. special place!”

(there’s an on going theory that speculates sydney was lying about her father coming every sunday.)

this moment might be where carmy severs his connection with her entirely. this scene was never mentioned again and the writers could have easily put this into the panic attack scene to calm him down. but they didn’t. why is that?

isn’t it strange that claire, who i said isn’t ever explicitly defined, can’t even define how her life has been? she seems like a character that would be very sure of herself. what happened there?

The Phone Call

we’re in carmy’s apartment, he’s cleaning up before preparing to get ready to go to kasama with sydney. his phone rings and he answers.

carmy: “hello?” claire: “did you really give a fake number?” carmy: “claire?” claire: “should my feelings be hurt? i think they’re hurt.”

i personally wouldn’t tell a person that gave me a fake number that i was hurt. in fact, i wouldn’t be trying to get their number at all. you could always say she said it on purpose to make him feel bad but maybe she genuinely just wanted to know if it was a mistake.

carmy: “hmmm no no no sorry, that must’ve been a mistake.” claire: “you know i know you’re entire family and the faks right?” carmy: “you know all the faks?” claire: “yeah i know all the fucking faks and they’re going to come beat you up.”

this could be a lighthearted joke but it does raise the question if she doesn’t respond well to rejection.

claire: “why just why. walk me through giving me a fake number. why?” carmy: “hmm no no cause i, uh, i didn’t mean for that to happen um i’m sorry. i’m sorry it was a mistake, okay?”

it seems like carmy doesn’t like being confronted with that question. it’s pretty huge to decide on not giving someone you used to like or even a family friend a fake number.

claire: “thank you, i really appreciate that. well, i was originally calling before i found out i got fake numbered and had to ask neil for your real number to ask if you were busy today, so now i have two questions.” carmy: “shoot, yeah.” claire: “okay, one is it okay that i have your number or did you really not want me to have your number?”

claire actually making sure if he really didn’t want her to have her number is commendable but if carmy already doesn’t like confrontation on that subject, he could just automatically agree to get out of saying he doesn’t want her to have it.

carmy: “no no no no it’s uh, i want you to have my number.” claire: “okay, say that one more time.” carmy: “i want you to have my number.”

i’ve talked about this line in my pushing meta but i always thought this little interaction was interesting. this could fit pretty well into the naive narrative i asked about.

maybe those words, “say it one more time,” were pretty reminiscent of a giddy teenage girl, confirming that her long-time crush has a crush on her too.

she asks if he’s busy, he glances up at the whiteboard “call fridge guy.”

he stammers as he looks at the whiteboard (possibly trying to let her down? try to explain he’s busy?)

claire: “can you just not make this weird? like, i need a favor. my cousin bailed on me.”

why didn’t she call anyone else in the berzatto family to do it (richie or fak)? it seemed like they’re close enough. that has to be because she wanted carmy to do it. it’s pretty naive to ask your crush to do this random task to spend time with them. but is this really naive or manipulative?

claire: “do you still have that van?” carmy: “yes, no we do. we still have that van. um i am in.”

i didn’t notice this the first few times but he looks at the whiteboard twice before agreeing. maybe the first time he thought of his task of calling the fridge guy with the second being sydney and the day he was supposed to have with her.

claire: “really?” carmy: “yeah, yeah really.”

he sounded so unenthusiastic here. like he need to conjure up some form of energy to say it. to be fair, moving boxes isn’t fun at all.

claire: “okay, i’ll text you the address.” carmy: “no. no, i know where it is.” claire: “really? cause i’m worried about your number issue.” carmy: “i know where it is” claire: “you know what, i’ll give my address to fak and then he can give it to you does that sound good? and then punch you in the face does that sound good?”

she keeps talking about the faks and how she’s going to get them to beat him up. is there going to be an argument/showdown with fak (or one of them) in the show at some point?

claire: “you know he uh he told me you guys are really close and he’s your best friend.” carmy: “fak said that?” claire: “mhm.” carmy: “no no no fak’s not my best friend.” claire: “really?” carmy: “no no he is. he’s probably my best friend.” claire: “that’s interesting. to sit with. for you.”

claire saying that was always so weird to me. i couldn’t tell if she, again, was being lighthearted or making fun of him here.

earlier in the episode, carmy is in al anon talking about his family ruining anything that gave him any sort of excitement.

carmy: “i think when i was a kid, anything that would give me any sort of excitement or amusement or enjoyment, it always got kind of fucked. you know, i don’t think my family meant to ruin it or anything like that. you know i don’t think they did it on purpose. i think they sometimes just try too hard. or they make promises they weren’t able to keep.”

i don’t think it was coincidence that the moment he suggested going out with sydney, it got cancelled immediately for helping claire with boxes.

In The Car

after looking at fak, who most likely reminds him of claire, he calls claire to do another task. they're on their way to the post office.

claire: “well, no i’m a terrible driver. i enjoy the risk of it.” carmy: “i should be worried then.” claire: “yeah, really worried.”

is this alluding to carmy being in the passenger seat with claire being doomed? that he shouldn’t be in the car/relationship with her?

what does it mean that carmy is always in the passenger seat with claire (figuratively and literally) but she’s a terrible driver? especially compared to sydney who was a professional driver.

this could be a very direct message to the audience that he should be worried about his relationship with claire.

claire: “i went to med school in new york so i never drove. so, i try to make up for it. the times i’m not working.”

obviously there’s subways in new york, but what if this was trying to tell the audience something else?

didn’t molly say claire might’ve had a previous relationship where she was the one being pushed? there could’ve been a time where she was in the passenger seat just like carmy and she didn’t like how it felt.

the person she was dating always could’ve had a car. i suppose it depends on what part of new york they were living in. maybe they found a way to steer her even with a subway and it made her a figurative passenger. even though this is definitely speculative, i’ll keep it here to reflect back on later.

also what were the writers intention when they made claire go to med school in new york? it seemed like all three: sydney, carmy, and claire were in new york for some pivotal moment. what could have been claire’s pivotal moment in new york? just med school? her past relationship in (potentially) new york? or something else entirely?

why does claire love the risk of it? this could mean claire is a bad driver/pusher. does she love the risk of pushing others? is there another way to interpret this?

after their little task trip, we see that they’re parked in a parking lot.

claire: “we’ve hung out, like, so much but we’ve never actually talked.” carmy: “yeah, yeah i know what you mean.”

it’s strange to think that they’ve hung out a lot but never said anything to the other. especially when you with think on carmy, who was shy, talking about a dream he has with his brother? that’s a pretty personal thing to share with someone if they never talk. something strange is going on there, i just don’t know what it is quite yet.

it gets a little stranger with claire mentioning that she sat behind him in algebra class in freshman year. carmy doesn’t seem to remember that, like he’s completely disconnected/dissociated from her entirely. why is claire remembering all of these things but carmy isn’t? why is she doing all the pushing/driving?

what if she knew about the drawings too? is this another thing mikey mentioned to her? maybe she was trying to slowly ooze it out of him. only to end up disappointed that carmy doesn’t bother to mention it. basically erasing its potential importance to the relationship entirely.

carmy: “i wish you talked to me more.” claire: “i tried. you’re really shy.”

this is what i was talking about earlier. how can he be shy, and talk about something that personal?

what if this is telling us that claire was always a pusher in some aspect? she probably tried a few times and because she didn’t get the response she wanted, she left him alone and ultimately put their potential of a relationship to rest?

a question i brought up earlier:

would carmy do whatever it took to sew his family back together and continue to date someone he didn’t have strong feelings for?

what if this is another version of that? carmy had said here with claire, he liked to think about mikey.

mikey could be the one of the sole keys to keeping the relationship between claire and carmy alive. but will mikey be enough to get him to define that relationship and his feelings? no. and that’s probably what’s devastating. he even said in the s1 finale, carmy realized he doesn’t really know anything about mikey. you could even argue that mikey isn’t that explicitly defined to carmy, similar to claire. he could have even projected a closeness to mikey to make himself feel less alone. he could be doing same projections with claire.

what if he said the words, “i wished you talked to me more” and unconsciously meant them for mikey? carmy was always upset about how mikey closed himself off to him.

i don’t think it was a coincidence that after he said that, he mentions mikey.

carmy: “you always had so many friends. i don’t know, i really wanted that. mikey had that.” claire: “yeah mikey was cool.” carmy: “mikey was cool.” claire: “mikey was cool like he would set something on fire.”

what does this mean? didn’t mikey try to burn down the beef to get insurance money? what prompts someone to say that? to play devils advocate, maybe mikey just gave off that vibe? but wouldn’t we hear it being said from other people? i don’t remember other people describe him this way.

claire: “speaking of dead brothers (mikey), do you wanna go to a party?” wasn’t mikey kind of considered the life of the party?

this could be her attempt to reconnect carmy to him somehow.

claire: “and i feel like you really owe me.”

i’ve already said this, but i definitely think this could’ve pushed him to agree. again, purposeful or naive?

claire: “when’s the last time you went to a party?”

this felt like a those typical/cliche movie moments where the popular girl convinces and takes a shy nerd to a high school party.

The (High School) House Party

in s1e8, carmy talks about mikey’s confidence and his ability to dial any room he walked into.

carmy: “he had this amazing ability. he could just walk into a room, and he could take the temperature of it instantly. he could dial it. i’m not built like that, man. i didn’t have a lot of friends growing up. i had a stutter when i was a kid. i was scared to speak half the time. and, uh, i got shitty grades cause i couldn’t pay attention in school. i didn’t get into college. i didn’t have any girlfriends. i don’t think i’m funny.”

can you miss someone so much and in the result of that grief, they adopt their personality?

we’ve arrived at the house party, with illegal fireworks and solo cups littered around the house. it’s pretty reminiscent of a high school party, even with the police coming to bust/raid the fireworks guy (kyle).

we have claire giving him a soda instead of beer. we’ve never seen carmy drink alcohol in the show. i don’t think the writers have been explicit in how he feels about being around it. but this is relevant for this scene that i will get into later.

after claire gives him an out on staying with her while she’s talking/listening to kelly by asking if he wanted to get kelly some water.

he immediately agrees and we find him in the corner where he looks at claire, almost lost in thought. then he gets bombarded with a random inebriated person calling him logan fernello.

drunk party guy: “you did the amazing shit in senior year. the shit with the spoons.” carmy: “with the spoons.” drunk party guy: “yeah.” carmy: “yeah.”

we cut to carmy telling his made up story to a group of guys. this is when the logan persona really comes into affect. logan telling his story felt very reminiscent to mikey telling the story of seeing/meeting bill murray.

then it struck me, what if this logan persona was really mikey’s? he talked about how mikey could dial into a room. what if this was his attempt at it?

claire: “you’re a real animal, logan.” carmy: “yeah, no the thing about logan is he doesn’t give a fuck. that’s logan.”

what if he was again, unconsciously talking about mikey here? carmy was always insecure about mikey not caring for him, it only got worse when mikey cut him off entirely. with the severed connection, carmy struggled in his attempts to reconnect with him.

carmy: “that was really nice with kelly, you’re really good with that.” claire: “good at what?” carmy: “listening.”

why didn’t he say a similar line “you love taking care of people.” like he did with sydney?

listening could always be potentially surface level. it doesn’t take a lot to listen to someone. with claire, it didn’t seem like she really cared about what kelly was saying. she was just entertaining her to make sure kelly felt better. but it takes more effort to take care of all of the people around you like sydney tends to do. taking care of people takes more passion/drive.

claire: “in college people would come back to my house after parties. and i think i got really good at managing sad drunk people.” carmy: “yeah i know that feeling.” claire: “i know you do.”

this is clear a connection to donna. i can’t help but wonder why claire would think a party is a good idea if he has experience with sad drunk people? maybe because she had past experience too, she naturally started pushing him to do it in the present?

carmy: “i missed this college thing, huh?”

this could be carmy acknowledging unconsciously that he’s just making up for lost time.

claire: “why did you give me a fake number?” carmy: “i like you so much. and i feel like i missed a lot.” claire: “well there was a lot of this.”

we hear the whistle of the fireworks before they start going off once she said, “why did you give me a fake number?”

i think this is another time claire was ever really real with carmy. carmy giving her a fake number clearly hurt her enough to want to know why. she said it in a joking manner when they were on the phone. although, that could have been a (high school) façade to mask her true feelings on it.

during the phone call, she asks him if he really wanted her to have his number. he confirmed he did but it’s clear she sensed something was up because she’s bringing it up again here. that’s why this scene is so fascinating to me. this could imply claire knew he didn’t want to but pursued him anyway. why else would she bring up the number thing again? if she legitimately thought it was a mistake, she wouldn’t have brought it up again.

he smiles a bit but also he also just furrows his brows while looking down, like he can’t come up with the words. this could show he doesn’t like confrontation. he stares off for a bit before he looks at her and says he likes her.

we see the colors of the fireworks reflect on claire as she smiles but i’m not sure if it’s because she likes his words or she’s entertaining his avoidance.

she starts caressing his face. he looks off to the side with a distant look. then, he looks up at her and we see her smile. but when we cut back to carmy, his eyes are already not on her. he’s aimlessly staring to the side once again.

he always looks so dissociated from her touch whether it’s her touch physically or verbally.

they get interrupted from the police so with carmy saying the code word, they run off. claire goes back to kelly briefly and carmy heads for the car.

after claire is done checking on her, she goes back to the car where carmy is outside of it by the passenger side.

carmy: “hey, here’s a crazy idea.” claire: “hit me.” carmy: “you wanna see the restaurant?” claire: “i’d love to.”

we're headed off to the restaurant.

A Restaurant Kiss

after the (high school) house party, carmy invites her to come back to the restaurant. claire accepts, coming onto an argument between richie, nat, and syd.

this is when claire meets sydney, her romantic rival, for the first time.

i always thought it was weird for claire to introduce herself to a family she’s already close to/know. the only person that doesn’t know her is sydney. but why interrupt an entire group argument for that? either that was purposeful or just straight naive. it could have been her attempt at using her introduction as an icebreaker.

in their their kissing scene, they’re over artificial lighting, probably insinuating a fakeness in their relationship.

is it a coincidence they’re kissing in the one place where the past and present intersect?

as i mentioned in the beginning, i have this theory where claire is representative of his past and present. we won’t go that in depth with this until the fishes episode.

“when is fak getting here? does he even have real tools???” does he even have the tools to keep claire and carmy together?

in s2e3, after carmy ditched sydney to help claire’s mother with moving things into storage, we follow sydney at kasama waiting for him, she texts him to ask where he is and that she’s going to order.

in the previous texts we see this conversation:

carmy: fak said he’s on his way sydney: when is fak getting here? does he actually have real tools??? carmy: it’s fak what do you think? sydney: that’s what i thought…

this could be alluding to fak’s tools/meddling aren’t things that will keep claire and carmy together. fak has been a huge role in their relationship. we even have the s3 trailer where fak is at the hospital, telling claire that carmy loves her. but will it help? will it solve anything between them? does fak have the right/real tools to make sure they get back together?

in s2e5, right before they kiss, fak interrupts them. he was waiting for richie on the roof. carmy tries to push him out (an attempt to stop his meddling maybe?)

fak says he needs his tools.

fak: “i love you so much but i need my tools.” carmy: “fuck your tools.” fak: “very well.”

what if this was fak’s attempt to fix the forcefulness/unnaturalness of their relationship metaphorically. this relationship he kept pushing onto them? he could have also been trying to make sure the roof doesn’t cave in, making sure they’re protected from their pretend (high school) reality.

maybe that’s why fak was happy about carmy mentioning claire being with him in the restaurant. he was finally taking control over his relationship for a moment.

fak even said: “i did that.”

he could’ve been happy he didn’t need his tools for them, thinking that they’ll get this happily ever after situation.

i suppose he didn’t realize that they were dead set hurtling towards their doomed relationship.

i wonder if time will only tell who has the true/real tools to have a healthy happily ever after relationship.

The Mention: Fishes

merry christmas, lizards! we’ve made it to the halfway point. it only makes sense that this episode is in the middle of it all because of how integral it is to carmy and claire’s relationship.

fishes is when we start to see things a little more clearly. in this episode, it’s christmas time in the berzatto household. we’re reunited with nat, carmy, and mikey but we also meet new faces.

after nat and mikey have their moment, talking about not asking donna if she’s okay and mikey saying he’ll handle her, carmy comes out the door.

carmy: “hey. hey mikey could you come inside and be you, real quick? i don’t know how to deal with these people.” mikey: “yeah, i’ll be right there.”

i’ve already mentioned how carmy said mikey could dial any room but in this episode it’s almost implied he depended on it. he relied on mikey taking care of the people in the house or just in general. it would make sense that carmy used mikey’s presence to help him with making up the story in the house party. he’s probably just so used to mikey doing it, it made carmy use mikey’s personality as a sense of comfort.

this got me thinking of sydney loving to take care of people. i think it just comes naturally to her. that might’ve been the problem with mikey. he probably did it like it’s a job/chore. but how could he take care of people without taking care of himself? this could’ve led to his doom.

carmy is shifting his feet, probably in anticipation for the day ahead of him.

mikey looks at carmy before glancing down then once he looks off to the side, he tells carmy that he’s happy he’s home.

mikey: “happy you’re home, bear.” carmy: “kill you to pick up the phone?” mikey: “carm, i’m happy you’re home. okay?”

carmy, still shifting his feet, nods and looks down. it’s clear that being ignored by mikey hurts him. at this point in their relationship, it’s fairly strained. it most likely only got more strained after this christmas.

after some silence, natalie says she’s not going to ask donna if she’s okay and asks carmy if he could handle her. he agrees.

natalie: “i’m not going to ask her if she’s okay.” mikey: “that’s good.” natalie: “yeah.” natalie: “carm, will you handle mom?” carmy: “yeah, i’ll handle her.”

with that, we’re off into christmas chaos.

even though claire isn’t in the episode physically, she’s very much with them in spirit. we won’t be focusing on the episode in its entirety because we’re only focusing on claire and clairecarmy.

regardless if she isn’t there, claire is a pivotal character/role to carmy’s character in this episode. we’ll be going through the possible connections i’ve made and this past/present theory that will be used throughout the rest of this meta.

after we meet donna, carmy walks out the kitchen to most likely take a break. unfortunately for him, he gets bombarded by mikey and richie.

mikey: “merry fucking chrismas, bro.” carmy: “what?” mikey: “merry fucking christmas.” carmy: “what do you mean? guys, don’t fuck with me right now.” richie: “no one is fucking with you!” mikey: “why would you think that?” carmy: “cause your always fucking with me, that’s why i fucking think that. what do you mean?” richie: “you’re not gonna fucking believe who we just saw.” mikey: “we’re trying to tell you we ran into the love of your fucking life.” carmy: “i don’t have a love of my life.”

i thought this was interesting because of how much time has probably passed since he’s last seen claire. it would make sense that he wasn’t really thinking of her much since she was just a high school crush. maybe he thought about her in passing, but it’s not unbelievable to think he hasn’t really thought of her since.

richie: “just fucking tell him.” mikey: “claire bear.” richie: “claire bear!” carmy: “you saw claire?”

in this scene, richie and mikey sound like they’re trying to sell a car. just a lot of exposition that doesn’t really have substance when you’re trying to tell someone about a potential love interest. they make it sound like claire and carmy getting together is a must because of her looks. just hearing this dialogue alone made me feel very overwhelmed. i can’t imagine being in carmy’s shoes.

carmy: “what did you do? what did you do? what did you do?” richie: “this is a once in a million opportunity for you to score with a woman that’s stacked physically and mentally.” carmy: “you’re having a child. what the fuck? why are you talking like that?”

it is a pretty crazy thing to say isn’t it?, and having a daughter too?! does richie and mikey truly believe there’s no other woman out there? this is when i started messing with the idea that they’re selling this idea for carmy to stay at home.

isn’t it fascinating that richie ends up being put in this position where it feels easy for him to use claire as a projection because of his own failed marriage?

mikey: “it’s done.” carmy: “who asked you to do that though? that’s what i’m saying.” mikey: “it’s a christmas gift. i fucking put in a good word. i told her about napa about copen, she ate that shit up.” carmy: “nobody asked you to do that.”

what if mikey was talking him up to claire because it was his way to get carmy to stay in chicago? or knowing what he was going to do, wanted to give him something that he contributed to one last time?

i talked about it in my pushing meta that carmy could have not liked being pushed but went with it anyway. carmy in this scene very clearly didn’t enjoy the meddling/pushing. that could be why with claire, he welcomes it because he’s used to it in some kind of way.

also does claire and carmy ever really talk about his endeavors? mikey told her all about it but they seem to only talk about it a little. i remember in the house party, they talked about it briefly before claire cut it off with her question on why he gave her a fake number. even in the restaurant, i don’t remember him talking about it there. am i missing something here? how come the one thing that possibly had a massive contribution to their relationship, is never talked about?

stevie: “she’s a deeply good person. i could see why you’re in love with her.” carmy: “i’m not in love with her though. that’s what i’m saying. where did you guys get this from that i’m in love with her?” richie: “cause you used to have all those drawings!” carmy: “that’s what i’m fucking talking about though. that’s what i’m talking about. that’s what i’m saying! that’s why i think you’re fucking with me.”

was it implied that carmy actually never had a crush on claire? carmy is already considered strange to his family. if i’m right then it isn’t out of the realm of possibility that carmy genuinely just enjoyed drawing her without much else being into it. what if they misinterpreted his drawings for feelings he never had? what if he was entertaining the idea of them together (reimagining their high school days) because mikey would have wanted it?

you don’t necessarily need feelings for the person you’re inspired by. i could be mistaken here but i’ll leave it in the meta anyway for reflection.

another thought is that he could have had a crush but there’s nothing more there. a crush is just an infatuation, you’re more in love with the idea of them rather than the person themselves. that’s probably another potential reason why he genuinely had a problem with them telling him he’s in love with her.

stevie: “carm, this is a good thing.”

in my theory about claire and carmy, i had this thought of them being conduits.

carmy is a conduit for the audience to feel his presence, emotions, and for us to see the world around him in the present.

claire is a conduit of the past, being easily projected onto by mikey, richie, and fak to bring up resurfaced feelings from the past (carmy’s old crush, his claire sketches, his high school presence etc.) and carmy could use her to fall back in time. in a time where mikey is alive or his presence is more felt. this could also explain why they were frozen in time once they met. and it worked briefly but for how long? is something like this sustainable?

we won’t be focusing on the bear drawing with mikey in it’s entirety but i made a possible connection here to what i said earlier.

carmy: “i don’t need you talking to claire and acting all nice if you don’t actually give a fuck, you know?” mikey: “what are you talking about, i don’t get a fuck? why would you say that to me? carmy, i give, like, i give like a huge fuck.” carmy: “yeah?” mikey: “fuck yeah! i give like the biggest fuck.”

this seems to parallel last episode’s dialogue regarding logan.

here’s what i said:

carmy: “yeah, no the thing about logan is he doesn’t give a fuck. that’s logan.” what if he was again, unconsciously talking about mikey here? carmy was always insecure about mikey not caring for him, it only got worse when mikey cut him off entirely. with the severed connection, carmy struggled in his attempts to reconnect with him.

i just thought it was a strange coincidence. claire could potentially be channeling these feelings onto carmy and remind him constantly of the past. one thing to remember is that claire and carmy's relationship seem to always go back to the fishes episode.

finally, we meet donna in this episode/meta.

she’s crying in the kitchen, smoking a cigarette. people are sitting at the dinner table wondering when she’ll come. carmy comes into the kitchen to check on her and donna goes into how no one cares for her.

donna: “i don’t think i can do this by myself anymore.” carmy: “you’re not by yourself alright?i’m right here. i’m with you.” donna: “nobody out there gives a shit about me. carmy: “that’s not true. mom, that’s not true, we all love you so much.” donna: “i had to beg you to come home.” carmy: “i’m happy to be here, okay?”

this could potentially fit into my thought that mikey was trying to keep him in chicago to get claire and him together. if mikey takes care of donna, maybe this is a way to get carmy to be there for donna too in a way. this is a very speculative thought that i’ll just leave here.

carmy: “why, um, what’s hard, mom? what is it?” donna: “i make things beautiful for them and no one makes things beautiful for me.”

let’s go back to the previous episode for a second. claire is comforting kelly on the couch with carmy on the side.

claire: “you deserve better. well, no one’s ever made me dinner before.”

i don’t know for sure if this is a coincidence but it’s another strange parallel that needs to be shared. as i said before, claire and carmy’s relationship seem to always go back to fishes.

anyway, let’s proceed with the fishes episode.

carmy: “why don’t you just give me your hand, we’ll go sit.” donna: “no.” carmy: “mom, come on.” donna: “i’ll go in a minute.” carmy: “alright, i’ll just wait.” donna: “okay, micheal. i’ll be there in a minute.”

carmy gets this strange disassociated look. he's staring off before blinking a bit and looking down. i had to play this multiple times but she does call him mikey strangely. mothers do tend to switch up the names of their children at times but this felt a bit intentional on the writer's part.

after asking if donna is good, which seems to parallel sydcarmy with asking if the other is good, donna demands him to go sit at the table. carmy wants to wait for her but she isn’t budging and even asked if they had a problem. he shakes his head in denial and donna goes to hug him. we watch them hug for a moment before donna pulls back and slaps him.

this is when it all kind of clicked together for me in this shot.

when claire started caressing carmy’s face at the house party, it felt familiar to something else but i couldn’t quite put my finger on it until watching this episode. they’re both in the kitchen. they both led to a confrontation of sorts. they both (potentially) have mikey in the conversation. they’re both shot in this warm hue.

what were the writers intent here? does claire remind him of his mother?

is carmy avoiding claire in s3 the way he’s avoiding donna?

Morning After: Back In The Present

in al anon s2e3, carmy talks about how he has to remind himself that there’s no other shoe.

carmy: “(have to) remind myself that the sky is not falling. that, um, there is no other shoe. which is incredibly difficult because there’s always another shoe.”

it’s morning in carmy’s apartment and he is on the counter top, looking in the distance. claire comes around and they talk for a moment about the suppression test briefly (which is also connected to mikey) but after he has this interesting look. he smiles at her but he stares at her and (possibly) really sees her for the first time.

claire: “what?”

her smile kind of drops here too. his eyebrows furrow like he’s trying to find something but he’s lost. he always had this disassociated gaze with her but here it almost seemed like he’s finally trying to make a connection and couldn’t find it compared to when i said earlier about him (possibly) cutting the connection on purpose. he looks down and starts to apologize.

carmy: “i’m really sorry. i just um-” claire: “never ever apologize.”

this piece of dialogue is very glaring. claire could have meant well but telling someone to never apologize is such a red flag. especially, when you go back an episode and see that the berzatto family says i love you instead of apologizing it seems. (their relationship seem to always go back to fishes)

carmy: “i just want you to know that this is really nice. so nice that i um.” claire: “you’re waiting for the other shoe.” carmy: “that’s it.” claire: “wanna know a secret?” carmy: “yes.” claire: “nobody’s keeping track of shoes.”

why didn’t she say there isn’t another shoe? or there’s no shoes at all? instead, she said nobody is keeping track of them. what does that mean? for me, my interpretation for this was time. “nobody’s keeping track of time.”

in s1e8, carmy talks about how he lost track of time and mikey died.

carmy: “and the more he wouldn’t respond and the more our relationship kinda strained, the deeper into this i went and the better i got. and the more people i cut out, the quieter my life got. and the routine of the kitchen was so consistent and exacting and busy and hard and alive and i lost track of time and he died.”

i could be right on the shoe/time theory.

claire: “anything else you’re thinking?” carmy: “i’m thinking you’re very, very beautiful.”

more surface level compliments instead of anything that reaches emotional intimacy they need. she shakes her head and he nods. i can’t help but wonder if she was waiting for an i love you from him. at this point she had to have felt something to say it by the s2 finale. she still smiles as if she’s entertaining his avoidance like at the house party.

claire: “well break a leg, bear.”

now, i have many questions for this but all i’ll say is that it’s extremely strange to think back on who calls the other bear. isn’t it the berzatto siblings?! why is she calling him a nickname his siblings call each other? what was the writer's intention here? what was claire trying to say here?

The Uneaten Meal

there’s no dialogue in this scene so this section will be extremely short.

we see that carmy is wearing the beef shirt, something he’s never worn from what i remember. it definitely fits the narrative of what i said earlier about being in a time where mikey (or his presence) was alive.

i even mentioned how he could be adopting some of his behavior from mikey.

i also found it ironic that claire and carmy seems to have these connections with mikey but the moment he talks about his love for her to fak, “i love you, dude. let it rip,” was sent to sydney for approval.

and why wouldn’t she eat his meal that he slaved over? was she just so excited, she couldn’t wait anymore?

this is a great parallel to carmy making sydney a dish, without knowing and it being the best she’s ever had.

there’s still artificial lighting surrounding them. which could be interpreted as a fakeness in their relationship i mentioned earlier.

this is most likely the last scene where reality hasn’t set in for both of them. they’re still stuck in this place/time.

The (Warning) Panic Attack

his panic attack were the final warning bells that he couldn’t hide in the past forever. because in the end, it will all come to the surface/present. maybe claire and carmy’s reunion was the first shoe and his panic attack was the other.

the filter they have on her here reminded me of the fireworks that were reflecting back on them at the house party. fireworks in literature represents short-lived entities.

fireworks symbolism in liturature on google:

fireworks are short-lived entities; they are unimpressive before they are lit, and though dazzling while in action, they go up, explode, and are gone within a matter of seconds.

has anyone else noticed donna and claire were side by side during the panic attack the moment we get to the scene where claire is caressing his face at the house party? the same one i said how strangely it seemed to parallel each other?

in the panic attack, after the scene with claire caressing his face, it jumps straight to donna screaming. coincidence?

i have the full panic attack scene in my “carmy’s panic attack” meta so i’ll link it here for you to go watch it.

which is striking because the slap comes back in this scene but notice how it isn’t in this as saturated as the others? In fact, this scene doesn’t look the way it did in fishes. once donna slaps him we cut straight to sydney with even less saturation. he takes a breath.

in al anon (s2e3), carmy talks about how he has to remind himself to be present.

carmy: “i have to remind myself to breathe sometimes. i have to remind myself to be present, you know.”

donna’s slap could be a “wake up” moment before the present and future comes into view. then we see who that is: sydney.

sydney is representative of his present and future.

which could explain why sydney and carmy have that moment under the table claire ate at. why the music was in reverse before donna slapped him in the panic attack. it could represent time finally resuming.

what i said earlier:

he also said in the s1 finale, carmy realized he doesn’t really know anything about mikey.

which could also parallel the panic attack scene, it could be interpreted as him probably realizing he doesn’t even really have strong feelings for claire.

Breakup By A Restaurant Fridge

his panic attack was the warning and now time is up. when the clock resumed, after it got frozen in time from their first meeting, the past rushed into the surface and started to clash together.

the moment he hears that it was claire’s table, he leaves sydney, who is the present he needs. he ends up falling right back in time to claire’s table.

while carmy serves her his current food, she serves him a reminder of the past (his old boss from new york).

seeing his old boss causes him to freeze. he ends up going back to sydney with the reminder in his brain. He notices the seven fishes are cold, a family dish from the past on the current menu, and he snaps on sydney and even stumble over his words (possibly his past stutter coming back).

ultimately he asks syd to refire/warm him up. she tells him he needs to watch it, a warning to stay here in the present with her. he stills for a moment/melt, and he calms down similar to how he starts to take a breath once he saw sydney in his mind during his panic attack. he apologizes for his behavior. she apologizes as well. he leaves only to end up stuck in the fridge, another reminder of his past with claire in choosing to not call the fridge guy/not go out with sydney.

claire will channel him the past into the present, the one thing he can’t afford. It left him trapped in the fridge (a full circle moment/parallel to the fridge where they met). instead of outside of it this time, he’s inside of one where time stops to hear the past words of claire from that present day on a voicemail: i love you.

i always thought that it was weird that claire left carmy after hearing his words in the freezer. she’s a doctor, wouldn’t she want to remain there to make sure her (ex) boyfriend would live?

maybe she was so overwhelmed with his words, she couldn’t handle hearing more? at this point, everything is a mystery.

coincidentally, once she left the fridge, richie went over and called him donna. how many coincidences until it isn’t a coincidence?

in this episode, he reminded me of mikey in those moments. in the fishes episode, mikey and carmy share this very heartbreaking scene where carmy shows his sketch of the bear, the dream they both wanted. after mikey encourages him, carmy leaves in excitement. we’re left with mikey who ends up slapping himself, making the audience to deduce his suffering from his addiction.

carmy was seeing his old boss and mikey seemed to be hearing things (maybe street sounds?) in both scenes. coincidentally, carmy was hearing mikey during his panic attack before the images of food calmed him down in the s1 finale. which further explains the beef shirt carmy wore as he was making claire pasta. throughout this, he could have been trying to adopt mikey’s personality because of how much he missed him or doing it unconsciously.

then we get the parallel where we have a moment with them not being in their right mind which causes carmy to stare at the cannolis with a fork stuck into them and claire leaning on the fridge in tears.

the bear sketch and claire were also in the panic attack scene. carmy stopped communicating with syd which annoyed her the same way carmy got annoyed with mikey not communicating with him.

all could be speculation, but i think there’s something here.

in the fishes episode, we hear this story of richie and mickey’s morning after.

mikey: “things are really starting to spiral out of fucking control.” richie: “oh, we are past the point of no return.” mikey: “it’s not good. and now it’s the next morning right? we’re like fucking rocked.” richie: “rocked!” mikey: “like, i look over at him, i’m like, well jesus fucking christ man.” richie: “i’m looking at you and i don’t even recognize you at that point.” mikey: “it’s like a monster.” richie: “yeah cause you look like a fucking monster. couldn’t even tell it was you.”

this might be connected to s3 carmy.

Overall Conclusion/Questions

i’m going to talk about yannaryartside’s post a bit and try to find some kind of middleground and raise questions to conclude this post.

quoted from yannaryartside’s post:

“It is not like it is bad for Carmen to socialize and whatever. But she removed his agency completely; it feels like manipulation on many levels because she has perceived a lot of his struggle in this area; she also ignored his first reaction to going to the party and flipped her way. Carmy ended up trapped with a lot of immature young adults with whom he definitely has nothing in common. There was no space for actual empathy or connection to him to "come out of his shell." His conversations with Sydney are so natural because of this; there is connection and mutual respect, and he was very out of his shell with her.”

if i didn’t read molly’s interview, i would be ironclad that this was very purposeful on claire’s part to rope him in making him something he’s not. although, since making this meta, i’ve been trying to look at this with a little more nuance with my attempt at neutrality with her character and the topic of manipulation.

as i mentioned in my pushing meta, her offputting words could definitely push him to agree with her and let her take the wheel with him in the passenger seat (literally and figuratively)

but i couldn’t help but think about it from another perspective. i talked about mikey, richie, and fak’s lack of boundaries and how it ultimately could be something both claire and carmy don’t really understand where/when the line is crossed. they both just go along with it because that’s what they’re used to.

claire: “and i feel like you really owe me.”

that line could definitely be easily avoided on her part. it didn’t need to be said but that could have been the push that caused him to go like every other moment they ever had in regards to claire convincing him to do tasks with her.

if anything, that constant acceptance concerns me. if carmy continues to be stripped of his agency during his relationship with claire, how much did her previous relationship take from her to influence this?

how much did she learn from them? how many constant (reluctant) acceptances did she grant before they departed? when was the limit? claire’s relationship history is so vague that she could have been in that previous relationship long term and got out of it right on time for christmas. we definitely need clarification on that.

what if she barely had boundaries so she doesn’t expect it from carmy?

if she’s never learned boundaries, then who are three men that could use her for potential projection? in the end, it seems like it all goes back to fishes.

another question is, how much responsibility do you think claire should have for his lack of agency?

maybe she reverts to this immature (high school) persona because rather than admit to the pushing she might not have liked, like potentially carmy, she pushes him because she saw herself through him. remember when i said carmy is a conduit for the present? but is that manipulative or naive on her part?

the reality of it all could be, they were both just trying to entertain the others past in the present. but how could you be in the present without healing from the past?

that’s why they were frozen in time. they can’t move forward from their past when they’re together. carmy and claire’s relationship was a temporary balm where they could push their past onto each other while they relive/reimagine their high school years.

i just don’t think they realized time will always come knocking on your door eventually.

all of this to say, i don’t know what the writers are smoking over there but i might have gotten into some of their stash by accident.

i guess the other important questions throughout this analysis is how do you feel about claire? how do you feel about her after this meta? what’s next for her character in s3?

thank you to anyone who read this! i’m a perfectionist so i had to rewatch all the scenes i mentioned here over and over again to make sure i got the dialogue correct. sorry this was so long too. i hope this all made sense! my brain was going down this continuous spiral while writing. hopefully that isn’t easily conveyed here lmao. all my metas make me feel so delusional like i’m a paranoid investigator. where’s that red thread?!

feel free to respond or disagree with me!

#sydney is his present and future #long read ahead #might have to retitle this to the claire bear dissertation #feel free to link any discussions/metas on claire or clairecarmy in the reblogs #i’d love to read them all!#sydcarmy meta #sydcarmy #claire bear #carmen berzatto #sydney adamu #the bear meta #the bear fx #sydney x carmy #carmy x sydney #claire x carmy #clairecarmy

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