#i am not exaggerating even one bit im not built for this okay

[vhstown]

can we have more "cold reader warm hobie" fics it is so unbelievably cold in the uk right now im literally burning calories from shivering

[a-dragons-journal]

i dont "kin for fun" but through tiktok i found out about the whole kin for fun vs actual otherkin... situation ig? im having a really hard time taking it seriously... maybe im just burnt out and bitter from dealing with the worlds current events, and maybe its because on tiktok the only people i saw mad about it were white people, but you're the most reasonable person ive seen talking about it (a lot of other posts have this odd tone that 12 year olds on tiktok saying kin is the worlds greatest opression and it weirds me out) so ig my question is just... why exactly does this matter? why does it matter enough to post about and care about and not just ignore? /gen

Hey! I don’t blame you for being a bit weirded out by it, we’re a weird subculture and we’re well aware of it! xD I appreciate you taking the time to actually look into it past your first knee-jerk reaction, especially considering burnout and the state of things.

I’m not totally sure if you’re asking why otherkinity matters or why the “kin for fun” being wrong matters, so I’ll answer both - they’re pretty well tied together anyway.

The short version:

Otherkinity is an identity. It’s who we are, we can’t choose to pick it up or put it down, and it comes with struggles - though no, ‘kin are not systematically oppressed (though we are pretty badly bullied and, at this point, pushed out of our own words and spaces).

What people calling roleplay/relating to/projecting onto characters “kinning for fun” does is steal our words, make them meaningless, and in doing so, make it difficult or impossible for us to find each other. If someone says “I kin [x],” I no longer know whether they mean “I am [x] on an intrinsic level” or “haha I relate to this character a lot”. I no longer know whether they actually share my experiences or if they’re going to turn on me and call me “crazy” as soon as they realize I’m not exaggerating or joking or roleplaying. It’s done massive harm to the community as a whole because it’s become difficult to tell whether someone is actually ‘kin or if they’ve misunderstood the whole thing - and because antikin rhetoric, which I’m seeing more and more in KFF spaces, hurts far more when it’s coming from inside what you thought was a community space than when it’s coming from self-labeled “antikin.”

There are other words for roleplaying and relating to and projecting onto characters. Hell, there are words for strongly identifying with-but-not-as characters/things, though usually KFF people don’t even seem serious enough for those to fit in my experience. I’m really not sure why these people are so determined to steal and misuse our words, words that were specifically created to mean something else, when they already have their own and are just refusing to use them. (Or, hell, if you don’t feel like those fit, make your own. We did. It’s your turn to put in the work. (General you, not you-the-anon, of course.))

An analogy, if that still doesn’t quite land for you:

Consider, for a moment, the transgender community. I am aware this is a dangerous thing to say, but bear with me. Obvious CW for hypothetical transphobia up ahead is obvious.

Consider if you were part of the trans community (I don’t know if you are or not), having finally found a word to explain why you feel the way you do about yourself, why your experiences don’t seem to match up with those of everyone else around you. Having found a community, a home, full of other people like you, people you never would have met if not for words like “transgender” and “gender dysphoria/euphoria” that were created specifically to describe your experiences.

Now consider if people suddenly stumbled across your community for the first time who were not trans themselves. They see community jokes and lighthearted posts out of context, because Tumblr and Twitter aren’t exactly conducive to making sure people find the Transgender 101 information posts first. They don’t bother to do further research, assuming they understand: ah, these people like to crossdress! They like to pretend they’re a different gender! This seems like a fun hobby, I want in!

They begin to post things like this. They post photos of them crossdressing and caption them “hi, I’m [name], and I trans men!” and things of the like. Suddenly the concept of “transing for fun” seems to be everywhere - and it’s not at all what being trans actually is, but these people either don’t know or don’t care. When actual trans people try to politely correct them, they’re accused of “gatekeeping” - and to be clear, this is not “nonbinary people aren’t real,” it’s “transgender means you identify as a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth, and you’re self-identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth 100% and telling us this is just a fun hobby for you, therefore you’re not trans, you’re crossdressing or doing drag or being GNC. That’s fine, but it’s not being trans - you have other words to describe that, use those.”

(Yes, I am aware these things have a history with the trans community - please just ignore that for the sake of the analogy and bear with me on the slightly simplified version of this. “Kinning for fun” does not have that same history with the otherkin community.)

...And then the response to those attempted corrections, in some corners, turns into “wait, you ACTUALLY think you’re another gender? idk that sounds pretty unhealthy, maybe you should see a psychologist or something :\” and “you’re taking this too seriously.”

I imagine, in this hypothetical scenario, you’d also be pretty fuckin peeved.

(Obviously, in this hypothetical scenario, systematic transphobia would be an issue as well, which isn’t the case for otherkin - again, you’re gonna have to bear with me on the simplification for sake of analogy there.)

(EDIT: this is not an anti-MOGAI/exclusionist argument, this is “you’re literally telling me you don’t fit the definition,” explanation on that here)

The long version, which is probably still worth reading if you have the time and energy:

Otherkinity is... pretty core to who I am, who we as a group of individuals are. We live with being otherkin on a daily basis. Many of us spent a long time feeling different and disconnected and not understanding why until we found the otherkin community. Even people like me, who don’t share that experience and still had social connection - I’ve still had to live with weird differences that I had to learn to mask when necessary; instincts that don’t line up with human society well, feeling body parts that weren’t there and that no one else ever seemed to have, things that other kids grew out of because it was just make-believe for them and I... didn’t, because it was never make-believe for me to begin with. Oh, sure, I played make-believe too - I played warrior cats and house and all those things with the other kids, but there were things that weren’t play-pretend for me too. I didn’t have an explanation for it for a long time - it was just how I was, I was weird, and fortunately for me personally I was okay with that (many of those with species dysphoria or more trouble connecting with humans have more problems from that than I did).

And then I found the word “otherkin.” And suddenly everything fell into place, and I had an explanation for the things I’d been experiencing, and there were other people like me. Something I’d assumed didn’t exist. I found others who shared my unique experiences, who were talking about how to cope with the instinct to growl or snap jaws at people instead of expressing annoyance in a human way instead of just saying “that’s weird, don’t do that”, who were talking about dealing with phantom wings and tails, who understood me. I wasn’t weird, I wasn’t broken, I was exactly what one would expect from a dragon living in human skin. I found an explanation for myself. I found a home.

That is why otherkinity matters - it is who we are, it’s not something we can walk away from (certainly not most of us, anyway), and it’s something many of us need the support of the community to help deal with on a daily basis. Being a nonhuman in human society isn’t always easy, but it’s not something we can just magically stop being - it’s core to who we are, we (generally) didn’t choose to be this way, and we (generally) can’t choose to stop. Which is fine - the vast majority of us can cope with it just fine, with a little advice and help and space to be our authentic selves in. We found each other, we built this community from the ground up to make a space and words to make finding each other easier - or possible at all.

Thus we come to the second half of our story.

It was only a couple of years ago that the “kin for fun” trend started getting big. It had existed before that, of course, but it only started going mainstream two, maybe three years ago, from what I can tell. Suddenly people were treating “kin” like it meant relating to, projecting onto, roleplaying as, or just really really liking a character or thing - not being that thing, which is what it actually means. Not long after that, it became hard to tell whether someone saying “I kin this” meant they were that thing, that they were actually part of our community - or that they really really liked that thing and either didn’t know or couldn’t be bothered to learn that that wasn’t the case for us.

Not long after that, it became relatively commonplace to hear phrases like “otherkin are ruining kinning!!” and “you’re taking this too seriously” and “idk, if it’s that serious for you that sounds unhealthy. maybe you should get some help :\” (all directly quoted, or as exactly quoted as I can remember, from things KFF people have said to me or people I know).

It is a special kind of hell, I think, to be told “you’re taking this too seriously, that’s unhealthy” by people who are taking words created to describe your experiences, not theirs, and misusing them to mean something that you do for fun on a weekend instead of something that’s intrinsic to your being.

Perhaps more importantly, like I’ve said, it’s making it almost impossible to know whether someone who says “I kin [x]” is actually ‘kin or if they’re misusing our words to mean something else entirely. The entire point of words is to communicate ideas, and once you start misusing words to mean something totally different than what they actually mean, that communication falls apart and suddenly we might as well not have those words at all. Especially when the community is small enough and obscure enough that we’re starting to be outnumbered by the misinformation. We’re being run out of our own words, words we created to describe our experiences specifically - because we’re a small community that the wider internet can easily drown out by sheer numbers of people who either don’t know any better or don’t care to learn.

That’s the harm it does - the harm it is doing, right now. That’s why it’s important enough to post about. That’s why it matters - because we’re fighting desperately to hang onto our own words so that others like us can actually find us. Because we’re seeing young nonhumans go “this isn’t a kin, I actually am this” and screaming “No, I’m so sorry that this is what the misinformation has done to you, that’s exactly what otherkin means, you have a place here, please don’t let these non-’kin misusing our words drive you away from the very community you’re looking for and that you belong in.” Because we can’t even communicate effectively about our own experiences anymore except in semi-closed spaces like Discord servers and forums (and the number of Discord servers overrun with KFF people is absurd).

......This got very long. Hopefully it at least explained why it matters so much to me and others a bit better ^^; Thanks for hearing me out, and thank you again for looking into this beyond your initial knee-jerk reaction - I really do appreciate it.

(For further reading, if that text wall didn’t blow you out of the water completely, I recommend my “kin for fun” tag, which has more posts like this in both short and long form.)

[koris-crumbs]

I’m Here For The Entertainment

Prev-Chapter seven-Next

A My Hero Academia group chat story

Warnings: None besides cursing, and a few suggestive comments.

Pairings: Pining Dekubaku, established Momojirou, and…we don’t really know what the hells going on with seroroki

A/N: AYYYYE IM FINALLY WRITING IN SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE TEXT FORMAT. GOT A FEW GOOD PARAGRAPHS IN THAT BAD BOY. This chapter takes place right after the All Might vs AFO Kamino fight btw, the day they move into the dorms

~~~

BigBakuSimp is online.

TheNewBestie is online.

Yaomomo is online.

LegsLegs is online.

TheNewBestie: hmmm

TheNewBestie: things been real quiet I see

LegsLegs: Todoroki, we are literally moving into the dorms, please take this seriously.

Yaomomo: Not Aizawa telling me I had to choose between some of my stuff 😩

Yaomomo: this dorm room as big as my bathroom

BigBakuSimp: PLEASE

TheNewBestie: I find it real funny how Midoriya is immediately in a better mood now that bakugo is safe

BigBakuSimp: I am going to hit you with my backpack

TheNewBestie: locking my door rn

TheNewBestie: I live in constant fear

LegsLegs: GUYS

LegsLegs: ROOMS

BigBakuSimp: slowly but surely we’re getting Iida to let go of his grammar in the gc

LegsLegs: In your dreams.

LegsLegs: Alright, fine. Perhaps a break is warranted, but at least head to the common area so we can all talk there.

BigBakuSimp: snack time 🥴

TheNewBestie: Midoriya hoping to get a sneak peek of bakugo down there

BigBakuSimp: WHERE IS YOUR PARTNER

BigBakuSimp: SERO

BigBakuSimp: YOUR BOYFRIEND IS BULLYING ME

TheNewBestie: first of all I’m not their boyfriend

NonbinaryBastard is online.

NonbinaryBastard: aint he so yummalicious?

BigBakuSimp: immediate regret is what I’m feeling

MochiCheeks is online.

MochiCheeks: done fucked up is what you did

MochiCheeks: hurry up y’all you taking too long to get down here

MochiCheeks: im starved and the only people down here rn are bakugo and kiri

NonbinaryBastard: not me coming to pay the besties a visit

MochiCheeks: take it back now yall

BigBakuSimp: cha cha real smooth

BigBakuSimp is offline.

MochiCheeks is offline.

—-

“Deku!” Ochakos loud, peppy voice rang out through the living area of the new dorm building that had been built for the students of UA. The brunette practically skipped to meet her best friend at the elevator where he was coming out of. Almost immediately latching onto one of his arms and leaning against him. “We need to get some food, quick, Izu. I’m starting to feel faint.” Ochako huffed. While the girl probably was hungry, it was clear Uraraka was exaggerating just a bit. The green haired boy in question seemed to pick up on that pretty quickly, and had to stifle a little chuckle with his free hand. Seems like Ochako caught it, pouting up at the other. “It’s true! Oh, I can see the light, Deku. I’m fading, I can feel it. Hurry, we don’t have a lot of time.” She groaned dramatically, leaning most of her body weight against the other, to which Izuku locked strong arms under her armpits, hoisting her fully back up on her feet. “Okay, okay. I get it. I don’t think anyone’s gone grocery shopping yet, so maybe we should do that if we go out for food-“ Izuku started.

“Did you guys say something about food?” Came another, somehow even more excited than Ochako, voice. Although it was definitely deeper. Both of the kids glanced over to where Eijiro was strolling over to them, with Katsuki begrudgingly following behind him. Hands shoved inside his pockets. “Ugh, I haven’t eaten anything all day. Food sounds amazing right now.” The redhead groaned, giving the other two a look that read that he wanted to come with them. Izuku smiled gently. “You can come too, Kiri. We haven’t decided on where we’re going yet though.” He explained, eyes drifting over to the slightly agitated looking blonde behind him. Katsuki avoided his gaze, apparently very interested in the carpet beneath him at the moment. It’s been like that ever since they’d gotten Katsuki back. He seemed to be back to his normal self, except with Izuku. The normally hot-headed, loud mouthed blonde who would scream until Izukus ears were bleeding was suddenly quiet, and Izuku can’t remember the last time he’d been able to meet those piercing ruby eyes. It made his stomach turn, he couldn’t imagine how Katsuki felt right now. He’d gone through something horribly traumatic, no doubt not having processed a lot of it yet. Which is probably why he refused to meet Izukus eyes, because the two knew each other better than they practically knew themselves. Izuku could tell something was off, even if everybody else had slowly started believing Katsuki was back to his normal self, the facade didn’t fool Izuku.

“Are you coming too, Kacchan?” Izuku asked, gaze softening at the other male. A huff escaped the others mouth, as Katsuki suddenly crossed his arms, standing up a bit straight. He rolled his eyes, scoffing. “As if I’d ever go out with you dorks.” “We can go get those spicy sushi bowls you like~” Izuku retorted, almost immediately after the blondes original claim was made. Katsuki stilled a bit, eyes seeming to flick over to Izuku for a split second as a look of surprise flashed over his face, before it was quickly replaced with his normal scowl and his eyes squeezing shut. “You’re a freak for remembering that, and an idiot if you think you can bribe me to go with you guys.” The blonde snarled through grit teeth. Izuku raised an eyebrow at him, glancing over to where Ochako and Eijiro were already ready to head out. Grabbing their wallets and practically bouncing on their feet waiting at the door. At least someone was excited about this.

“Okay, if you say so…” Izuku hummed, beginning to make his way over to the others. The other two were already halfway out the door the moment Izuku took a step towards them. He had almost made it out the door himself when he heard a grumble from behind him, lips quirking up as he glanced over his shoulder. Katsuki was very pointedly looking away from him, cheeks going red, his own stomach had betrayed his words. He shot a glare at the green haired boy, gritting his teeth as he let out an agitated groan. “Fuck! Fine! I’ll go! Drop dead, shitty nerd!” Katsuki growled as he began to stomp towards the elevator. Going to retrieve his own money. Izuku let out a little giggle, watching the blonde walk away fondly before he yelled for the others to wait up for the both of them. Despite the groans from Kirishima and Ochako, Izuku didn’t mind waiting for the other one bit.

—-

NonbinaryBastard is online.

NonbinaryBastard: MIDORIYA

NonbinaryBastard: ANSWER YOUR PHONE RN

BigBakuSimp is online.

BigBakuSimp: suddenly I cannot see

MochiCheeks is online.

MochiCheeks: not us being spotted

NonbinaryBastard: I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AND WHAT DO I SEE

NonbinaryBastard: BUT OUR RESIDENT ‘RIVALS’ SHIMMYING ALONG TOGETHER TO TRY AND CATCH UP TO URA AND KIRI

MochiCheeks: run run run as fast as you can you can’t catch me im the gingerbread man

BigBakuSimp: please stop quoting Shrek

BigBakuSimp: I’m begging you

MochiCheeks: (;

NonbinaryBastard: how was y’all’s date Midori 👀👀👀

BigBakuSimp: IT WASNT A DATE

BigBakuSimp: OCHA AND KIRI WERE RIGHT THERE

NonbinaryBastard: not yall third wheeling behind the chaos couple

BigBakuSimp: CHAOS COUPLE ??

BigBakuSimp: you are literally in love with the man who thought I was All Mights child

NonbinaryBastard: and Shoto was a genius for that

NonbinaryBastard: don’t be dissing my man just bc you can’t get one of your own

BigBakuSimp: everyday I wake up against my will

MochiCheeks: rip y’all

MochiCheeks: anyways im gonna go to sleep bc im stuffed

MochiCheeks: talk to y’all tmrw

BigBakuSimp: night Ocha

MochiCheeks: goodnight my favorite friend

NonbinaryBastard: I’m being done so dirty rn

BigBakuSimp: go cry to Shoto about it

NonbinaryBastard: I am (:

NonbinaryBastard: hi Midoriya

BigBakuSimp: I’ve been bamboozled and tricked by my own best friend

[cviperfan]

Okay so partially motivated by how many references there were in SPoP and largely bc it's been in my backlog for years and I remembered the whole thing got uploaded to youtube a while ago, I finally got around to watching Revolutionary Girl Utena for the first time so time for some hot takes

2 clarify I did see the movie about around 2000 which was my introduction to the series, and I did see like 1 episode back in anime club (over a decade ago now tbh) but for the most part I went into this with only a vague sense of the ending and offhand knowledge of a few of the weird comedy episodes so this was mostly a blind watch

Before getting into #spoilers I will say that this ended up being an easy Top 5 and that it's definitely still worth watching (fair warning for the very frequent rape and incest (and sometimes both)), especially if you've somehow also avoided most of the context of this show like me, and it really is one of the rare Nothing Else Like It kind of show (though it has roots in older shoujo like Rose of Versailles and modern stuff like Revue Starlight have picked up its lede)

Okay spoilers from here on

I really only kinda have vague memories of the more knightly take on Utena from the movie so Series!Utena having this powerful Dumb Jock Energy threw me

Like she's out here invoking the Air Bud Rule from minute one

This bit where Akio is going on about some Important Life Lesson thing and she's just fuckin

crab walking im

what a hero i love her

I have always kinda been more partial to shoujo than shounen bc the sense of like emotional urgency and the heightened exaggerated feelings are just more compelling to me narratively and what Utena does spectacularly is really drive that to fucking 11 and it permeates every aspect of the show

Like the melodrama of it all is so shameless and it's so committed to letting its visuals and music drive the mood and emotional intensity of its stakes that they kind of speak for themselves and demand to be taken on their own terms rather than having clear or rigid interpretations

Like it's kind of a situation of "yes most of what you're seeing ties into the show's bigger themes and characterization but also you can just vibe to the spectacle as well" like even when it's not on the Dueling Arena there's a theatricality underlying everything that pairs perfectly with the spirit of shoujo even as it... not necessarily contradicts it, but challenges it in some ways and also wants to coexist with it?

And I think that's the interesting thing how it wants to tackle some of these arch concepts tied into the genre while also being deeply intertwined with it.  Like it really is a Product Of Its Time in so many ways but it also feels somehow timeless and transgressive in others even now?

Like part of me would be interested to see a remake that took into account 23 years of conversation about how much perceptions of gender and sexuality have changed but at the same time would it lose some essential part of itself in that transition?  idk potentially

Also lbr a hypothetical remake wouldn't even attempt to revise anything it would just redo it thus making it pointless

So I know this has been a thing that's been brought up before but seeing it play out dang RGU and NGE really are just companion pieces to each other huh

Subverting the themes and narrative arcs of their respective genres, mysterious quiet girl who's directly the key to everything, the ritual of action setpieces rendered as Actual Ritual in the story, banger OP, comphet ruining everyone's lives

Also they really don't have much in common comparatively but I'm definitely seeing pieces of Utena in Kill la Kill too?  Particularly how Mako's arc feels like a fleshing out and expansion from the archetype divergence Wakaba got in that one ep (I can't believe klk was the utena/wakaba au fanfic)

Speaking of which damn he is a sleazy bastard and a gross predator but ngl Akio can Get It he and Ragyo are basically the same character and I guess this is just my type apparently???? oops

Like I'm recognizing how like really awful he is but also you really can't blame Utena for crushing on him he is super hot and charming

aside i lost it at the audacity of "well even tho i am a man like twice your age (AT LEAST) and took advantage of the situation and also i am clearly not the type to take no for an answer since you didn't reject me you're basically just as bad as me" bruh

The Black Rose Arc is... interesting bc like it borders on superfluous with how it resolves and yet the introduction of a "monster of the week" type power rangers element specifically built to expand on the secondary cast is a pretty inspired choice

again my primary point of introduction to the series was the movie which is basically a remix of the Student Council arc so when I got to 12 I was like wth are they gonna fill the rest of this with? WELP

What I really like about it is that usually this kind of setup-- the 'character is faced with their dark inner thoughts they shy away from and they become a short-term enemy' deal-- ends with the char in question coming to terms with this and overcoming it to become a better person

but here it's just like... they lose and then they just gotta... sit with that, forever.  Like it doesn't really change the status quo of their relationships w/ utena or the others but it does just stick around for them and now the audience knows that about them too.  like sometimes you just can't take that shit back.

Utena's relationship to queerness, having heard about it tangentially for years but seeing it play out now is also interesting bc while in the grand scheme it doesn't feel necessarily any more ahead of its time than something like Cardcaptor Sakura there is a casualness to it that's distinct

Like for the most part it's either kind of the tangential fluff that even then was part of shoujo as a standard but then there's also stuff like the Akio/Touga or Touga/Saionji hinting or Kozue's casual pass at Anthy in addition to the maintext Juri/Shiori push-pull and ofc the subtext-but-maintext Utena/Anthy threads

I wanna take a moment to talk about Juri bc of how kind of in the spirit of the show itself it plays things both with and against the grain with her

Like she's a Tragic Lesbian which is nothing new but usually this character type (and Distinctively Lesbian characters in general) in anime/manga tend to be portrayed as being very predatory, invasive and either played for laughs or to repulse the audience, so the degree of empathy RGU shows her in 97 is rare to see even now.  

Like there is a "safeness" to her bc of how unattainable Shiori is (though their arc ends in a decidedly ambiguious way), but it doesn't really feel like she's getting the short end of the stick over the more straight-leaning characters bc arguably all of the relationships here are defined by an aspect of chasing the unattainable, echoing Utena's own quixotic search for her Prince, and her choosing to remain closeted feels realistic *especially because* of the surrounding context of how heteronormative the world she exists in is.  Like the character is aware of that and is navigating it in a way that feels honest

Speaking of which it's interesting how the reveal of Juri's pining for Shiori in Ep 7 echoes the bigger reveal of Utena/Anthy bc of how it plays up this heterocentric love triangle or at least it seems to be but then the cards are on the table and no that's really not what it is at all, and it feels significant that after spending most of the series naively oblivious to Juri’s feelings and what she wants out of a relationship with Shiori that Utena finally Gets It in Ep 37

Is it a coincidence Juri actually gets to be the one to point it out? No

Speaking of triangles big ups to the Ruka/Juri/Shiori one honestly bc of how hard it commits to the unknown third result of a LT where absolutely no one comes out happy and it actually works even with the handicap of Ruka basically coming out of nowhere just for these two episodes

Like all three of them want the one person who's absolutely never gonna love them back and that's just rough buddy and isn't that kinda the show in a nutshell

So the thing that struck me about Utena/Anthy and how it plays out is how subtle it really is.  And that does make sense bc while f/f teasing/subtext again was part of shoujo before it's quite a different thing for the heroine to ultimately reject her 2 male love interests and choose a life with her female best friend, esp in nineteen ninety seven

Like I think you can argue that Ep 12 feels like The Moment where What Their Relationship Is, Definitely shifts and that possibility is suddenly there, and then it doesn't come back in a big way until the ending but there are tiny glimpses throughout where you can see that working in the background if you’re really paying attention

Small things like Anthy's flashes of unspoken jealousy, Utena fretting over her even when she's in bed with Akio, and part of that is coming from going in with a knowledge of what the endgame is and keeping an eye out for it.  I can hardly imagine being a viewer during the og broadcast and then ep 34 comes and suddenly the intent is made clear and our understanding of the inciting incident gets all flipped turned upside down

And to a modern viewer I can get coming into this for the first time and being frustrated at just how close to the chest it gets played, but that's also kind of the only way it gets to happen at that point in time?  But I think it ultimately is effective and vital to their individual arcs and dovetails nicely with the themes of the show

Like I remember hearing that original manga creator Chiho Saito was pretty against their paired ending, but with a lot of convincing from Ikuhara ultimately came around to it, and it's hard to imagine the anime's ending working any other way and being nearly as impactful

And there is something really beautiful about the bucking against the established idea of yuri relationships being a childish concept that gets left behind in order to 'grow up' actually becoming the impetus of their own journeys into adulthood and eventually back to each other, and it’s hard not to feel a little disappointed that for this Bold Step and declaration for the future that RGU takes that while yuri is more common than ever it largely continues to exist within the realm of schoolgirls and something to be left behind in adolescence like for RGU’s faults and shortcomings it saw this world of possibility in moving forward, while the genre largely elected to stand still

And it really speaks to either the timelessness of the show or how much the queer experience has remained constant that even with a tragic ending, that hope, or rather the promise of their reunion, feels bold and defiant and genuinely uplifting even now

Like the moment where just before they reach out to each other one final time, and their voices as children speak out to each other, as if finally fulfilling a promise they barely remember, I really did just start ugly crying

Lastly some assorted closing thoughts--

-Touga?  Punk.  Guy really takes advantage of Utena's whole prince thing to manipulate her, ends up losing to her in the rematch and then fucks off to mope for like AN ENTIRE SEASON then pops back up "oh yea im in love with her literally nothing else about my behavior has changed tho" like lmao you tried i guess

-Also i know Touga's design is p stock standard bishounen ojou-sama type but god this is all i can think about when I see him

- Green Touga Saionji is a bitch-ass motherfucker but like he at least tried more than anyone else so uh that's something I guess?????

Like the guy clearly has some unresolved feelings about Touga so i'm inclined to be sympathetic bc wow poor choice my dude but also... bitch-ass motherfucker

-Nanami really went through this thing for me where it's like... she's a brat and a shitty person but it's also hard to really dislike her bc she does get what she deserves most of the time and also she gets kinkshamed more than most of the cast despite none of them really having a high ground over her lol

-Miki did nothing wrong (aside from like the implied incest but that's also like... half the relationships in this show uh)

sidenote I can completely see the notable excess of Incest Subtext/Maintext being intended as like... A Thing to comment on how common it is within shoujo and also tying in to like the bigger themes of Growing Up bc the idea that you’re chasing after your own damn siblings betrays some freudian inability to mature or whatever but tbqh it doesn’t always feel like the show knows the line between commenting on this and indulging in it and RGU is very indulgent by its own nature so I really can’t blame people put off by the show as a whole bc this is an area where RGU is largely indistinguishable from its genre peers

-Juri really did nothing wrong tho also props for having the best duels

-FUCK SHIORI THO for eel 

so obviously i have not seen the show up to now but I've been in yuri circles for a long time so I knew about Juri/Shiori and my perception of it had always been "oh it's one of those kinda messy with complicated feelings" kinda ships where the drama is a big part of the appeal and that's true but like

the actual nature of it I did not realize up to now and OH SHIORI'S REALLY THAT BITCH HUH

So not only does she date that one anonymous guy specifically to spite Juri unaware she doesn't actually like him BUT THEN WHEN THEY GET REUNITED SHE'S JUST LIKE LOL IT DIDNT MATTER BUT HEY WE COOL RIGHT *AND THEN* when she finds out about Juri's feelings she's like HELL YEA I CAN HANG THIS OVER HER HEAD FOREVER FUCK HER

***AND THEN*** when she gets some karma after Ruka dumps her ass she airs her dirty laundry out in front of EVERYBODY like Juri hasn't been dealing with this shit like an absolute champ the whole time like?????

Like ok i get that there's the sad longing drama there and usually that's my jam and the show itself seems to end on kind of an ambiguous note and the follow-up manga from this year seems to leave it as kind of a "maybe" but I'm sorry get Juri a better GF 2020 she deserves better

I saw some Juri/Wakaba going through the tumblr tag for the show and honestly that's some big brain shit I'm here for it

Also now knowing exactly how this dynamic operates it really makes that Jasper/Lapis reference pic one of the SU crew drew of them read very.... interestingly???????? (tho Lapis' design reads a lot closer to Kozue and that's probably a closer personality analogue too)

-I love that thing in ep 37 where the whole SC is just very casually like hey utena if the whole revolutionizing the world thing with anthy doesn't work out uhhh call me im free haha just kidding unless...? lmao

-I'm pretty uninclined to try to pin precise sexuality HCs to characters for series this old where the ambiguity is part of how its danced around like partly coming from my own experience I'm inclined to read Utena as bi but that really is just coming from me?

But on the other hand literally every time a guy is like "i love you utena come be happy with me and we can love each other forever" she's like "k" after having left them on read for a day and disconnects from them entirely so lesbian going through comphet is a pretty valid read i think lol

-Lastly I think it’s pretty interesting but validly frustrating how fast and loose the show’s relationship with dream logic and non-traditional storytelling really is like when the shadow girls show up I was like “oh this is a greek chorus thing and it’s meant to reflect on the themes of the episode” (or uh in the case of exactly Ep 29 to break from tradition and explicitly tell us what a characters deal is lmao) but then no actually turns out they’re actually real characters who exist within the show too fuck you

ANYWAY I really did love this show and felt like I got a lot out of it despite it being pretty infamously hard to decipher but the ways it's inscrutable appeal to me specifically so very happy with this I'm gonna be thinking about it for a while

[milk-and-egg]

…………….. I just finished the sliding glass door epilogue #2……..YOU TOTALLY OUTDID YOURSELF!! OHMAGAHHHHHH THIS THE BEST CHAPTER YET!!

Caldecott Award!!! Newberry Honor!!! Emmy!!! Oscar!!! Nobel Peace Prize!!! All will be arriving to your mailbox very soon!!

But seriously… (all the stuff said above is serious too but here’s me attempting to leave a coherent message from now on) this update was SO emotional and beautiful and realistic and romantic and wowww <3<3!! I had to keep burying my face in my pillow every 30 seconds to keep from waking up everyone in my house cuz it’s 2:30 in the morning and I’m just so in love with these dumb boyfriends, ugh…

The way you write Klitz and Eli is just so so so in character and perfect and lovelyyy *cries* and this huge emotional event they’re going through is SO realistically written, like it feels there may be some real firsthand/personal experiences that were drawn from and used in this and that makes it all the more syrupy sweet (and sometimes sad too but that’s okay), like they’re just so in love I CAN’TTTT

I hope that these huge crazy messages don’t ever come off as exaggerated for attention or ingenuine, I just get so excited and I can’t find a good way to format all my thoughts out into a coherent block of text. But I really do love your writing and your works are absolutely my favorite fics on this whole freaking planet :DD

But here’s something really important though— don’t be afraid to take a break if you need it, and don’t feel the need to rush out more writing right away. Sometimes you put little apology-esque notes in the tag section of your tumblr update posts and I want you to know your audience doesn’t want you to ever feel bad for taking things at your own pace, or trying something new, or even taking break(s) in the future. We love your work but YOU will always come first and that’s what’s most important. I hope you’re doing well right now and if so I hope it continues for a long time.

Okay I’ll be quiet now lol :)

-✮ anon

OOOOOH MAN you got me all blushing and shit at 8:30 in the morning. Don’t ever feel bad for sending me messages like these! They really make my day and I won’t stop smiling until I go to bed tonight.

I can’t wait for my awards to arrive! IM SO HAPPY YOU THINK ITS MY BEST WORK YET I FEEL SO PROUD! I love writing emotional, yet awkward stuff between these two because I feel like that’s a lot of what their friendship/relationship is built off of. And omg what a huge compliment to me about what you said about my characterization. That’s one of the most important things to me when I’m writing.

Like I said, I love these messages and I don’t feel like they’re ingenuine at all! Thank you for adding that bit at the end and looking out for me. Apologizing unnecessarily is a bad habit of mine. When I’m in the middle of writing, I feel anxious until it’s finished. Unfortunately that’s the case with giant fics too. But thank you for reassuring me! I am doing well at the moment and I’m still having such a fun time writing!

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Loving someone with NPD

It fucking sucks! I have bpd and if i was completely untreated, i would have been narcissist chow...more than i already was.

I have pretty decent intuition but it took a long time for me to actually follow it. I met (lets call her Mary) before i listened to it and created a huge blindspot that took me 6 years to fix.

We both arrived on Okinawa Island 24 hours a part, we shared a name and a birthday ( naturally my dumb ass was like OMG SOULMATE- after i stopped hating her). when i first met her, i hated her. I knew she was two-faced and i said so to her face. Few drunken weekends set that unfortunate Trauma bond in place. 

I felt so special. She's two-faced and cruel to everyone but ME. my BPD ate that shit up. she even told me that she thought i was the category of “bimbo friend” until she got to know me.....and i actually took that as a compliment and mentally lorded it over her bimbo friends. it was a disaster.                           love-bomb, cruelty, rinse, repeat.

We were just friends at first, she thought she was straight, and i thought i was a girl- neither are true. We kissed once in a drunken haze and it was absolutely terrible, so it really never happened again. you know justgirlythings. 

I was quite notorious (just because im built like a coke bottle and was put into the marine barracks and you know how boot lickers be) on the island because the Navy is just high-school 2.0. Mary never had my back through it all, she stayed friends with the people who started it and she ditched me all the time at her convenience . I was only on the island for 6 months, and right when i almost cut things off with Mary, i left on an expedited transfer (another tragic story for another tragic time). We stayed in contact via snapchat but honestly we didnt talk much.

Her bf was a bit of a loser and she was planning to leave him while planning their life together...look at that, another red flag that i took as a compliment because she left him for ME. fuck im so needy #narcissistchow. 

I made a joke about her living with me, and she just went full throttle with that shit. So we got an apartment together, twas the beginning of the end and i fucking KNEW IT. i felt it in my gut and i remember thinking...but she’s so mean sometimes... like whyyyyyy dont i just listen to me???? ug anyways

Right before we got the apartment she released my cat into the urban wilderness and he was GONE, presumed dead. Quinn, my beautiful fur-baby, a 13 lb maincoone, fucking HATED HER, and he only hated dicks. so yeah she got rid of him and blamed it on my husband (my life is complex okay). we were obviously not doing great and i didn't think about it too hard until later (even though he has never left the door open, like ever).

It started out so much fun! the adventures and stories that we created together were amazing. she made me feel like it would be like this forever. Bit short-lived.  she would insult, demean, and play fucked up mind games. Luckily for me she didn't get to feed of my pain the way she wanted because i don't exibxit vulnerable emotions (working on that), despite them eating away at me. 

Her toxicity mirrored the way i was treated as a child, so i did what i did as a child. i shut down. I stopped therapy because i was masking too hard for it be helpful. i stopped my medications because idk if they're working because I'm so disconnected. My ocd tendencies that i got rid of as a child came back. Im never not high on MJ (still am because i don't want to FEEL)

And you know why i stayed? because she made me feel special, and wanted, and even more so needed. She is so fucking insecure and i was a constant source of validation and love. we had conversations and conversations about how we were meant for one another and the future we would create together. We even talked about the children we would raise together. we talked about how it was weird that we didn't want to fuck each-other (she looks like an incest muppet lmao) but we were in a beautiful (toxic*) polyamorous asexual relationship.

i was def not perfect in the relationship. i would do so much petty shit (like i did as a child). she would make me feel shitty about something, so i would show off one of my many talents that also was one of her many insecurities. hell, i would fuck up her hair ON PURPOSE. She had this insanely long blue hair that ended in a short red Karen cut lmao i am such a fucking asshole lmao. no regerts

but like also lets not forget the times she literally threatened to murder me....just saying. i may have been a dick, but she DESERVED it.

She kept treating me like shit and i did the non-traditional BPD thing and started setting boundaries for myself. like when she starts being a jerk, just walk away. just leave. also make her jelly with something to feel better lol.obvi that made her MEANER. so i took her out to eat and told her that she was treating me like absolute shit and it needed to sop...she starts bawling...making up shit about how her anxiety this and that and she's not gonna stop being a cunt so shel just move out.

idk why i even tried after that lunch but like whatever. i even sold her my car at a discount price - but now she has the perma reminder lol. i tried. she kept changing the date of her leaving, she just got meaner, and what FINALLY made things click. was she started ditching me and lying about it ( i may have tested it out and made her confess to it without her knowing- she is incredibly stupid). that was the one thing. the one thing i told myself if someone does that to me again, im done. so heyyy at least i stuck to my boundary even though i almost talked myself out of it. so i simply stopped talking to her. for WEEKS. she tried to start conversation, i ended them. she insulted me and i would flip it on her. i was DONE and she knew it. so our 6 year relationship literally ended by me in person ghosting her.

Finally the lease was up and that kinda forced her stupid ass into moving, however. she like half left and half left her stuff. but she left ferret shit fucking everywhere. on the deck, in the closet, smooshed into carpet, random bits of poo strewn about the room. shes fucking Nasty. i cleaned up the ferret poops with her clothes that was left behing...and i rubbed it on EVERYTHING including her dishes. i broke a couple items (some on accident even). stole a bunch of stuff...even a dead mans gift...yeah im PETTY... but i stacked all of her shit at the enterence of the apartment.

Time for pickup! she allotted herself 1.5 hours to pack everything and go to her new apartment that is 45 plus mins away. she comes in- overly exaggerates on thanking me for stacking her shit by the entrance. i immediately ask for the keys ...says okay but then “got distracted”, we did that 3 times till she finally gave me the keys... then i told her about the ferret poo and she claimed that she was gonna clean it today...BITCH IT TOOK ME OVER 3 HOURS FOR THE POOP CLEANUP ALONE...so yeah fuck her.

later that day i hang out with my new friend, lets call her Anna, who is on Marys snapchat- while Mary was putting her stuff in storage (something she swore shed never do) she was saying how pissed she is and how horribly i am for stacking her shit at the entrance. glad to see she's as two-faced as ever.

POST BREAKUP DRAMA:

1) she tried to get rid of everything i gave her but she cant unbuy my car lmao.

2) she got stranded in Texas because she ran out of gas....even though the car tells you how many miles it has before it runs out...like i said, she incredibly stupid 

3) she tried to slither in my life by sending a pic via snap to Anna and then said “oops my finger slipped” ummm its snapchat and thats not how it works stupid ( and this is one of her go to ploys so like lol why?) it was also a pic of a boot that she gave me but its ugly so i gave it back. idk what her whole plan was but it backfire because Anna just blocked her.

4) Quinn came back <3

5) i am obsessed and cant seem to stop stalking her so now imma try just being crazy in blog form to see if my needy bpd self can CHILL. cuz ug i just want to stab her...like 37 times...in the face (it would be an improvement)

[ibblescribbles-archive]

Aye bby gurl! It me! I was just wondering how you draw feet/shoes?? I can never seem to get it right so i just cut them off xD

oh geez okay, im even worse at feet than i am at hands but i’ll give it my best shot!! usual disclaimer: this was again an impulse study at like 3 am and i’m basically just compiling things ive picked up from studyingfeet are another one of those super expressive body parts! you can convey a lot of emotions with them which is why they’re so hard to draw. they’re super flexible and generally weird but they’re important in drawing a full body! you never want to cut someone off at the ankles for compositions sake: it looks awkward and its an unnatural place to end the body. I could go into a whole spiel about how to frame things and properly cut off things for a good composition but let’s just jump straight into feet:

wooh feet studies! i didnt refine them this time around for times sake but these are all rough observations! i mentioned this in my hand study post but when drawing you should always try to break more complex things into simpler shapes. I find triangles work particularly well for quick gesture drawings, but circles and flat ovals work really well for feet! Feet also tend to have less of that soft fleshy stuff that’s in a human palm and instead they’re made up of a ton of flat planes and subtle slopes. I think capturing those two key details will help in making a foot look like a foot.

So shapes! From the side it’s easier to build the foot off of circles! I did forget to draw a circle next to the toes which would represent the ball of the foot 1but I think you get the gist! The heel is kind of squished under the ankle bone and you want to consider that the heel is flat on the bottom. Always accommodate the ankle joint and pay attention to how the skin moves around it! It’s the whole reason a foot is able to rotate in such expressive ways and often times exaggerating it can help make a foot more bony or interesting. Toes can kind of be grouped into the big toe and the rest of the little ones but we’ll get back to that later.Also, depending on how the foot is bent, skin will bunch up! So here its folded most at the back of the heel and in the middle of the arch (remember that feet arch, they aren’t fully flat on the ground) while its more tightly stretched over the front of the foot which allows the bone structure to show through.

Here you can see the planes of the bottom of the foot better, like the flat plane of the heel! The severity of these planes and how well defined they are can vary depending on age of character and other factors, but generally for an adult or someone who is well traveled, areas like the heel and the ball of the foot (area of flesh between the toes and arch of the foot) will be harder and flatter! You can also see how, similarly to the fleshy portions of a palm, the ball of the foot is separated into two larger portions! If it helps, try tensing your foot and look at how a crease appears between these two areas. (In the diagram I didn’t divide them too well, the actual areas are pretty much between the big toe and the rest of the toes.) Note that the ankle is still defined even though we’re seeing the foot from the bottom.Drawing feet from head on can be a bit challenging. It might help to show a hint of the heel to still give it that general “foot” silhouette. Also, going back to toes, unlike with fingers I’ve noticed the pinkie toe tends to curve in towards the foot. I think something a lot of people have trouble with is fitting all 5 toes into the foot naturally because they try to draw them all straight and perfect like fingers. They’re not nearly as spaced out and are often pressed up right next to each other. The exception to this is the big toe! It might be helpful to exaggerate the space between it and the other toes on occasion since its more flexible than the other toes. (Most people can move their big toe much more easily than their other individual toes… probably, im speaking from experience only LOL)

okay im gonna go ahead and put shoes under the cut so this post doesnt get miles long:

so, now that we’ve covered feet, shoes should be easier to think about! I actually really enjoy drawing shoes and I think they’re excellent subject for blind contours! They’re super detailed which means there’s alot to observe, but even just drawing them stylized can be fun. something to remember is that shoes are made to accommodate feet but they’re not going to follow the exact shape of a foot. This is because there’s a sole inside that already helps the foot fit comfortably inside and the rest of the shoe is a structure is built around that (im mostly referring to bulky sneakers which are my favorite type of shoe to draw. different shoes will vary, ie ballet flats are going to take on the shape of a foot much more while say traditional japanese sandals are very blocky and flat)

these are just some quick examples showing how shoes accommodate the arch without following it completely and how the slopes of the foot arent as defined in a sneaker.

okay, i was getting tired at this point so i stopped observING slkjfdk but basically here shoes can be broken down into basic parts too! and this is applicable to sneakers, platform shoes, dress shoes and heels to an extent! Basically anything that’s not like a flip flop or something.(Also side note but I personally really love when artists exaggerate the heel of a sneaker to stick out, it just really gives it that aesthetic chunky look)

A shoe is made up of the tongue which is, you know, the piece of fabric under the laces that you always have to pull out after tying your shoes! Its typically overlapped slightly by the sides of the shoes which.. take on a particular shape that I cant quite describe but I hope you can see how I outlined it in the drawing! If you’ve ever seen a shoe pattern laid out flat you’ll know what I’m talking about. Next we’ve got the tip/front of the shoe which is literally just like a flat oval. It’s there to cover the toes but it doesnt take on the shape of them, like i mentioned earlier. To represent this it helps to draw a line separating where the toes and rest of the foot meet. Shoes like Converse have a really obvious tip like this but shoes like Nike are more subtle and not as rounded at the top. Finally we have the sole of the shoe and the heel. The sole is relatively flat typically, though it tends to curve up at the toes and it goes slightly inward at the arch. The heel is pretty self explanatory!

aaa that got really long but I hope that helped at least a little bit! I’m pretty amateur at stuff like this but i think i covered anything that i know about currently, though it may have been a little incoherent rip

here’s the link to my hand post if you’re interested

[i-am-very-very-tired]

NICOLE July 5, 2017 at 7:22 am Please stop using mental illness as an excuse to be an asshole. Mental illness does not force you to be horrible to people. Also remember Kanye was doing this long before his breakdown. Rap is built on beef so frankly I’m not surprised he came for Kanye. He came for his wife and by all gossip accounts Kimye are obsessed with Bey and Jay. 4:44 is pretty great and some of Jay’s best. It’s also more than this stupid beef MARIA F. July 5, 2017 at 7:31 am I totally agree. Maybe Kanye’s environment should have prevented him from performing in such a state, but of course, he is their cash cow. But even if he was not feeling well, Jay Z has the right to be offended by what was said. At the end of the day, i believe this is all about controversy and selling records. Everybody has been focused on that line since the album dropped. RENEE2 July 5, 2017 at 7:39 am Okay, Deriding people’s mental health issues is sh*tty and I don’t condone it. But I don’t understand why people are acting shocked at Jay-Z, as though he were of such staunch moral fiber before. The guy is smart, successful, and can be funny but he is also a mercenary, deeply misogynist, and frankly, more than a bit sleazy. I mean, people have heard his rhymes about women, right? Not to mention his profligate use of the nword. Dude is hardly PC. Kanye is also a douche. Again, how many times has he been offensive. This is another misogynist, and one who has used homophobic slurs in his rhymes although he professes to be queer positive. We’re supposed to forget all that because we now deem him to have mental health issues??? As Nicole stated, we should not give him a pass just because he is not well, dude is an *sshole, plain and simple. NICOLE July 5, 2017 at 7:49 am Exactly. People act like having a mental illness is a magic wand that makes people forgive and forget what you did easily. That’s not how that works. It doesn’t erase why you did or how people felt because of your actions. I tell clients this all the time. You cannot control how people react to you. Being mentally ill may give them a framework for more understanding but again it does not erase the action. And Kanye was an ass before this. So yep. DEM July 5, 2017 at 8:13 am “he is also a mercenary, deeply misogynist, and frankly, more than a bit sleazy. I mean, people have heard his rhymes about women, right?” Jay Zs lyrics on women are actually among the least misogynist of the genre. Two weeks ago we had an Eminem post and not only was there no mention of his violent lyrics against women, it was filled with “he is so cute” comments. And my post on his lyrics some of which threaten a specific woman by name were moderated out. But here we are, the instant the subject is a black dude…. Its “dude is hardly PC”. “Not to mention his profligate use of the nword”…..lmao As if the N-er word was not already on the tips of white tongues. Yes’ its the song about black people in Paris and not white peoples unadulterated hate thats the problem. Those black people who dont wish to reclaim ithe word are entitled to that opinion and should just not use it. I stand firmly and proudly in the reclaim camp. This site reclaims “bitchy”, gay people reclaim the F word and Its not your business that black men and women have reclaimed the N word. RENEE2 July 5, 2017 at 8:32 am @DEM, I can’t tell if you are trolling (I think you probably are) or not but here goes: 1) The point that I was making was that BOTH Jay-Z and Kanye have used problematic language so we shouldn’t be shocked if that Jay is being insensitive in this instance, nor should we necessarily be sympathetic to Ye in this instance because he has a history or being an insensitive clod too. 2) I can’t comment on the Eminem thread as I am also not here for that trick for numerous reasons, including his misogyny, so uh, nice try 3) Though I wasn’t critiquing Jay’s use of the nword, but rather was saying that his use of it demonstrates that he does not subscribe to notions of what is considered to be acceptable, I am also not here for that term. It is ugly, it is violent, and I don’t think that it’s something that Black people need to reclaim. I don’t know how you got that I was not Black from my comments but I am so you can step off with telling how I should feel about. ERINN July 5, 2017 at 8:47 am Dem - I know Em has been called out plenty on this site. He hasn’t gotten a big magical pass by any means. I don’t actually think I saw the recent Em post – and I’ve been on this site for like 5 years or more. Some posts slip through the cracks, or people are busy, or whatever. Personally I think Em is incredibly talented – but also someone who grew up with a really f—ed up life. It doesn’t excuse his behavior as an adult, but I also don’t look at him and think “he had every chance, and a healthy relationship with women, why is he talking this shit”. He was a mess, he’s gotten a lot better about certain things, but the Slim persona is played up so much, and a lot of awful things are said across so many categories. I tend to think of Jay similarly. He got dealt a sh-t hand growing up – he pulled himself up, but unfortunately his lyrics still are incredibly problematic at times. He’s still incredibly talented, and I don’t think his lyrics are an exact display of who he is as a person. I think most artists exaggerate like crazy and try to keep a persona kind of separate from their real life, but it doesn’t mean that it’s ‘okay’ that they say the things they do. I’m not writing him off as a person because of it though. As long as there is growth happening – that’s great. But if they suddenly devolve into a much worse place, then I’m going to have to stop supporting them as artists. KONFUSED July 5, 2017 at 9:28 am @Renee2 whether you are black or not is irrelevant when you say “I don’t think that it’s something that Black people need to reclaim”..you should step off on telling other people how you feel about their use of the N-word it really doesn’t matter if you approve of it or not SANDERS July 5, 2017 at 9:58 am Nicole, from previous posts including this one, it sounds like you are a therapist. I’m surprised you are minimizing JayZ use of words crazy and insane to describe someone with a mental illness. Of course people with a mental illness have to examine their behaviours and coping strategies etc, though in the midst of a breakdown, self awareness takes a back seat. Lets also hold JayZ responsible for his mocking of people with mental health issues and I encourage you to check out the excellent comments from Claire down below. Me= If she's a therapist, I don't want her as mine. She probably works for talkspace? RENEE2 July 5, 2017 at 10:56 am @ KONFUSED Why should I step off telling a poster how I feel about the word when said poster is putting words in my mouth and twisting what I wrote? And again, the reason that I mentioned my racial identity was because the poster stated that I wasn’t in a position to comment on Jay Z’s use of the nword because they assumed I was not Black. Everyone comes here to offer an opinion and get on our respective soapboxes so GTFO with telling me not to share my thoughts on a topic. BRIDGET July 5, 2017 at 11:20 am @Konfused – you’re coming off like you don’t actually have something to say and just want to be mean to someone to make yourself feel better. RENEE2 July 5, 2017 at 11:53 am @KONFUSED Yep, that’s me, the proverbial angry Black woman, lol. Hope it’s not too damp where you’re stationed under the bridge. @ Bridget, Thank you!! IDONTKNOWYOUYOUDONTKNOWME July 5, 2017 at 2:05 pm Well, for example borderline disorder and what is perceived as “a-holeish behavior” kindof come hand in hand RONALDINHIO July 5, 2017 at 5:03 pm Whilst you are all saying mental ill health doesn’t give you a pass I’m gonna have to stop ya Many of the behaviours that West exhibited could be signs of a growing mania and paranoia that could present or exist co morbidly with and anxiety disorder or depressive illness. As reported he may have bi polar disorder which might not have been accurately medicated. All or none of these things may have been his actual disorder and all may have been exacerbated by lack of sleep and over work. His grandiosity, rambling, hyper activity, sensitivity moving into paranoia psychosis or mania all sounds like it could be easily described by a mental health disorder. Ignoring the lack of control someone has during an episode of mental ill health or trying to blame them when they often have little control is poor form. LLAMAS July 5, 2017 at 10:51 pm Sick. I have BPD and have never been described as an a**hole. People with BOD treat themselves the worst. FLORC July 5, 2017 at 7:04 pm And being a jerk can be a sign of mental illness. You cannot know either way unless you are much much closer than a commenter here. Im reserving judgement. Kanye is outrageous a lot of the time and shows erratic behavior, but also has appeared to have experienced some incredibly traumatic events. That doesn’t get healed easily if ever.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

yesterday we did shrooms.

our friend was the ring leader and mixed 9 grams of it in chocolate and we all split it. im usually okay with shrooms and actually sadly took them enough last summer so i felt calm - usually i just have a very mellow empty headed high.

but this was not good and i guess it was ‘better’ that we all experienced not good. like i knew early on it was going the wrong way and suddenly we just wanted it to be over. it was a very intense trip with audio and visual hallucinations but not like full on break from reality - just warping faces and discoloration and hearing talking when there was none. 

he did not handle this well at all. i feel both me and our friend have a lot of mental issues and have struggled a lot so it was a bit easier for us to handle but i think i handled it the absolute best because i didnt feel traumatized by it when they did. i mean it was very terrible. but ive done worse sober with my own mind in terms of anxiety and shit and the hallucinations i knew were drug induced. no matter what i questioned i reminded myself it was the drugs. i had no grasp on reality, it was the drugs and it would eventually be over. i really just kind of sat it out.

he took it a lot dfferently and it sat on him in relation to the world around him. like he had become upset but unable to express why he was upset that essentilly what he was feeling was something i had felt sober. like his anxiety and neediness and wanting someone to help and feeling overwhelmed - that’s kind of me on the regular. but being able to feel it himself and see it from this perspective i feel like he could see how hard it actually is. it wasnt like anyone was physically ill. everyone was fine and operating and breathing but mentally it was a complete breakdown. like they were thankful -to come back-. as if we would have lost our minds forever. but i know it’s hard to lose your mind forever, it takes a lot of damage and if i was able to rationalize despite it all, i knew eventually they’d come back. 

he was also very very anxious about being upset in front of me because thats not really him. and at one point he was crying, upset about i dont even know and mumbling about james randi. i think he had like pre conceived notions that i might react differently to seeing him upset because he tries really hard to create the illusion of manly man, but on like a subconcious level. i think he thought it would be weakness or something but i just kissed him and everything settled a bit for awhile. 

but the mental breakdown was so bad that it took me a really long time to make food. like i was the first one to be able to moderately operate and i guess thats because im used to that sort of mental breakdown state. like it wasnt as if my drugs were weaker - i was definitely totally fucked up and not well. if i was anywhere but a couch with a blanket - dead in the water. but as soon as the worst of the hallucination subsided and i was able to grasp reality for longer than a couple of seconds, i really tried to take control of my mind and body. i wanted it to be over and i could really not operate well and if you would have put a camera on me in this kitchen it would have been frantic pacing and spinning in circles trying to make chicken nuggets and pizza. 

as i was making the food i went downstairs to check on them and he was laying on the floor with our friend but he suddenly started freaking out at me very seriously and telling me he needs mental help. to me, it’s semi-normal for him to do this. sometimes he changes moods very quickly and you cant question the shift or it escalates it. if you can get him to see hes exaggerating his own thoughts with something more light hearted, he lets it go. but to our friend, he had never seen this side of him. he kept whining about needing a movie on tv but he was doing nothing to help himself with a laptop in the room etc. it was a brief but intense 2 minutes of very serious freking out about needing “mental help” and i casually mentioned how hes “disturbing” our friend which helped switch him to the realization that he wasnt actually alone. 

i finished the food and he asked to tae a nap upstairs which was really just restless anxiety but i felt like .. a much different vibe or shift from him. it wasnt embarassment but like maybe a realization that im not “crazy” and being in mental chaos is hard. both of them were extremely thankful about the food and understood on a deep level how hard it was to mke it - but again, no one was physically sick. everyone could operate but mentally they were gone. so its just really hard to imagine how hard it could be to make food unless you experience if yourself and they did and they appreciated it. 

he was very affectionate towards me after, wanting to sit together and hug me and touching me. he asked me a few times if iwas okay and honestly, i was and i am. it was a really easy mental break for me because i knew it was drug induced. i explained it was little sober me curled in a ball inside and just terrified and waiting it out. cuz its not fun to experience that. im surprised i didnt cry but again i knew it was the drugs. maybe im the best person for a bad trip. i took care of myself and two other people. 

my friend made a comment about us being “boyfriend and girlfriend” i repeated what he usually says - he’s not my boyfriend. so he directly asked him - “youre not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore?” and he replied “look we already established i live in my own reality and thats all that matters” 

whch really he was referring to a comment i made the day before about how he kind of just lived in his own reality where he wont “define” us having a relationship but literally everyone else who knows him and i does because we do in fact by definition have a romantic relationship. so he can think we dont but we definitely do. 

hes very very anxious and passive aggressive about my eviction. which is funny to me because i think its a projection of like.. knowing he probably really wants me but this is a bad situation. like its not a healthy relationship standard to now live together because i was evicted. theres no want or desire there; just necessity. so i get it; but he cant say these things. that makes him committed and obligated to the idea of a full scale long term relationship. he cant be alone and be himself with a connection.

i told him i had an opportunity to live in a nearby bussable city. he commented that itd be a long way to walk but it wouldnt matter - hes going away in the summer (by going away he means the idea of living in his truck). it was a double shot - not only would i have less access to him; it wouldnt matter to him because he’s/he’d just leave anyways. 

its a bit upsetting that he would focus on our “non existant” relationship - he drives enough it doesnt seem that big of a deal to live a bit further and i dont have a lot of options at the moment. like this is upsetting for me too but im trying to stay the course. ike its a bump in the road of my recovery; it’s not a step backwards, its a consquence of my actions before and it doesnt define what im doing right now. right now i feel 50 - 70% equipped to handle this. its not going to be fun or easy but itll really be for the best all around. like being in this apartment is not healthy for me.

and i have to live my own life. like i feel at ease with the idea that were not creating a real life together so im kindof moving on and he might have to make effort to keep it going. if he doesnt, well -- sucks, but what more can i do? sorry for not living up to your expectations?

i want to live with him but at the same time, right now, i dont. maybe in a few more months when he figures things out a bit more. not that i have anything figured out but as my mind has cleared, ive begun to have time to think on what i know and believe and want. ive built some confidence in myself that i might know whats best for me. not that i know everything, but i should trust that i know when it best to listen to someone else too. and i should trust when i know that someone elses opinion might not matter. 

so i know i want a life partner. i know i want to create things - maybe grow or cook, something stress free. i know i want to help a community thrive and grow things within local areas. i’m tired of doing what everyone else wantsme to do; it’s exhausting and suffocating and leads to constant mental breaks. i just want to be me and being me involves a partner. 

i dont want to live with his mother. its very suffocating to be around his mother who places her own misguided expectations on you as well. she told me to get a job at mcdonalds - whch is fair, but what happens when i give up? because i know its what i dont want? why stay in terrible situations? why stay n something you dont want? what i want a majority of the time is to lay down and give up. i’d like the incentive not to and mcdonalds is not it. 

but she doesnt understand that. she doesnt get that like this shroom trip, a lot of my daily coping is within life or death. i have to choose life. i have to choose and grasp reality regularly when i’d rather give in to it all. so when you lay that blanket on ‘get a job at mcdonalds’, it’s just not the rght choice. it seems stupid, but its not the right choice. 

this week i will amazingly work four days. im nervous but looking forward to it and looking forward to it solving some of my problems. 

[sherryandbelle-blog]

Sherry and Belle: Chapter 9

"Howdy Y'ALL, huh aboot some chez-beargers?" The three workers started hysterically laughing at Belle's EXTREMELY overly exaggerated American accent. "Yeah! They'll never 'spect a DANG thing! AHA!!" David started to laugh again, but was promptly cut off by a sudden coughing fit, causing him to slowly back into the metal office door. "Ah, just go an' get somethin' ta drink, already!" Sherry shouted, jokingly shooing the part timer away; Jerald let out a loud exhale, then went back to sweeping. "So, you two seem ta be in a better mood, today." The tawny volunteer worker pointed out as he swept a large, muddy clot of dog hair into an even larger pile, "Yeah, actually. Belle has a buddy one state over who runs a pretty large business, and that business just so happens to run a support system fer smaller businesses. I normally wouldn't consider it, but after talkin' ta the guy personally, I think we could work somethin' out." Sherry explained with a smirk. "...Geez..." Jerald absently stared at the boss and Belle in both shock and amazement, it appeared like he was building up to say something, but was interrupted by a vehicle pulling onto the gravel driveway in front of the shelter. The boy perked up as a well dressed businessman casually walked in, causing the entire ground floor to erupt with excited barks. "Trevor?" Belle asked once the dogs quieted down; the short, slim man smirked, "Who else?" he commented jokingly, causing the boy to sigh in an unamused manner. "So, you must be Sherry." Trevor politely extended his hand, greeting the small business owner, "Y-yeah. Thank ya fer comin' out on such short notice,  I-" "It's quite alright, Belle put in a VERY good word for you." the two shook hands, then Sherry gave him a quick tour. "So, what exactly do ya get outta this?" David asked once he was up to date, "Well, I am the sole owner of a large business, as well as a Senate of Wyoming, and in either of those positions, having a good reputation for being a generous man can be very important. That is why I started a program quite a while back that helps smaller businesses flourish." Trevor explained keenly. "And, while doing a bit of research into this area, I noticed that there was a larger shelter building that was just put on the market a few days ago; it was originally built for a chain company, but they recently had another built several towns over. It's freshly cleaned, has one floor, indoor kennels, air conditioning, a small medical area, and it's only about fifteen minutes away from this current location. I've already went ahead and bought it, and I've set up several payment plans, if you want it, that is-" "Yeah! Of course. When can we-" "I can initiate the move as soon as early afternoon." The three workers seemed completely blown away. "And while the three of you prepare, I'd like to take Belle and get some things sorted out with him legally, if that's alright." Sherry looked over at Belle, who seemed very trusting with Trevor; she nodded, then went into the office to prepare.                                               ●●● Sherry, Jerald, and David all walked the last remaining dogs into several specialized, animal moving trucks, breathing a simultaneous sigh of relief once the old shelter was empty. "Heh, movin' the dogs and packin' up the office took nearly the whole day; we've got just about two, three more hours of sunlight." David remarked, lighting up a cigarette. "Eh, no worries. I'm a great night driver; I can probably borrow a friend's truck and finish takin' everything to the new shelter." Jerald reassured the other two as he relaxed in the shade. "Ugh, I still can NOT believe you took Av-" "Alex." "-With us!" Belle's uncharacteristically angry shouts could be heard from the driveway as soon as the doors opened. Sherry watched as the now decently dressed boy stormed toward the barn door entrance, with Trevor and a somewhat familiar guy closely following. "H-hey..." The boss stared at Belle as he waltzed past her, leaving the other two to greet her, "It seems that he did not want to see me." the familiar looking man dully stated, staring down at the woman. "Ya... look familiar, 'ave we met?" She asked, "Yes; you gave me a ride into Amarillo after I passed by your rescue center several days ago." He calmly looked around as he spoke, "Did you sell all of your dogs since then?" "Heh, no, we're relocatin' to a new buildin' nearby." Sherry explained. "Do not feel obligated to speak with him, Ms. Autumn, he is only here to ATTEMPT to convince me to return home." A maniacal grin appeared on Belle's face after he said that, "It will be pretty hard though, now that I'm a LEGAL US CITIZEN!" the boy proudly displayed an ID card to everyone around him. "Whoa! That was fast." Jerald remarked in amazement, "Really? It took all day; I didn't even get to help you guys with the move." "Ah, it's fine, you can help me take the rest of the office stuff over to the new shelter after I ride over and grab my buddy's truck." the volunteer worker nodded at Sherry, then walked over to his parked motorcycle. "Everyone else can head home; Belle and I can handle the rest! I'll take 'im home afterwards!" The tawny worker shouted, before driving down the road; "You might need these." Trevor remarked after retrieving a large envelope from his car, handing it to Sherry. "It's Belle's employment legalities, I also have a large pack full of new clothes, it IS okay if he stays with you for a bit longer, right?" The boss nodded, placing the paper envelope onto her passenger seat, then accepting the filled duffel bag of clothes. She took a moment to stretch, before catching a glimpse of Belle and Alex talking behind the building; the woman casually walked over to the corner, watching from a distance. "... she's furious... home... eye Rick... danger..." Sherry couldn't hear exactly what the tall man was so upset about, but she knew it probably wasn't any of her business, so she decided to see David and Trevor off, then head home.                                                ●●● Sherry slowly awoke to the sound of someone practically drifting into her paved driveway, causing her to jump up off of her living room couch. "Sherry! We 'ave ta get to the shelter NOW!" David yelled as he flung her front door open; the boss slipped her boots on, then ran out the door, slamming it behind her. "What's happenin'!?" The flustered woman asked as she closed the passenger door of David's black car, "Jerald called in a frantic FIT, sayin' somethin' 'bout... I don't even know." the part timer calmed down slightly as he sped out of Sherry's otherwise quiet neighborhood. "Jeez, slow down!" She shouted as the slammed car hit a pot hole, sending half of the vehicle off of the road, "Oh please! Ya know as well as I do that the Amarillo police force takes NEARLY an hour to reach the shelter. 'Member when Jerald didn't sleep fer 'bout forty eight hours 'cause he was backlogged on 'is Internet job, and he randomly collapsed in the break room?" "So?" "Seventy two minutes! Heh, I remember 'cause ya were constantly callin' out the time, ya used ta treat 'im as yer son, as well-" "Fine! I get it! But AT LEAST slow down as we're goin' through the city!". David slowed down to the speed limit, "Belle's there..." "THEN SPEED UP!!!" the woman roared. Dispite how recklessly the part timer was driving, the ride to the shelter was disturbingly solemn, once out of the city, the only thing out of the ordinary were large, speeding shadows in the far distance. As they grew steadily closer to the rescue center, a blazing glow began to creep into view. "... Oh no..." Sherry muttered as a massive fire came into sight, completely engulfing the old shelter; a large, blue truck sat near the driveway, as well as Jerald's motorcycle. David kept his distance and parking on the opposite side of the road, while keeping the shelter still at running distance. "Okay... what should we-" The boss forced the door open, sprinting full speed toward the blinding light; the heat radiating from the fire was painfully searing, and there was no immediate sign of Jerald or Belle on the outside of the building. As she ran onto the gravel driveway, she noticed that the paint on the two vehicles had bubbled off on one side, large strips of ember clogged the boiling air, and faint screams could be heard from somewhere behind the building. Sherry recognized them to be Jerald's cries out to Belle, "JERALD!!!" she shouted, rounding the outside of the building, "JERAL-" the woman froze in horror as the roof slammed down to the bottom of the shelter, viciously rocketing flames out of the wall next to the boss. A tall person wrapped its arms around Sherry, quickly pressing her face into its smoke reeking chest as the fire slightly soaked her upper arms. She stared in disbelief as a brutally beaten and burnt Belle stumbled a few steps back, "H... he's here." the boy mumbled in sorrow, before abruptly toppling over to the side, hitting the scorched dirt with force. "Sherry!?" The boss heard her other worker call out as he lightly jogged over to her, "BELLE!!!" he suddenly shouted in terror as the boy's shuddering, unconscious body came into view. "We have ta get outta here!!" Sherry yelled as she dropped down, attempting to lift Belle's lanky body off of the fried ground; Jerald quickly assisted in lifting him up, then the two rushed to pull him away from the overwhelming fire. "OVER THERE!!!" David's voice rang out through the desolate night air as the three struggled to make it to the gravel driveway, and upon rounding the corner, bright blue and red lights could be seen from across the way. A small group of uniformed officers ran to the weak group, with two taking Belle, and another two helping Sherry and Jerald; the final officer trailed behind them, calling in for the rest of the force positioned a safe distance away from the flames. Belle was taken into one of the two ambulances back near where David parked, and was immediately hooked up to a few machines. Jerald and Sherry were lightly tended to, with both having several minor burns, and a head wound on the back of the volunteer worker's head. The boy was badly torn up, suggesting foul play before the fire broke out. Belle was quickly taken to an Amarillo hospital, while everyone else was free to go.