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writingletterstothefire · 4 years

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She Loves Me

Chapter 1

A/N: Hi guys. It’s been a minute. Here is the long awaited (by no one) She Loves Me AU. I’m putting chapter 1 out here in the hopes that people waiting for updates will spark some creativity in me again. I’m sorry it’s short. If you enjoy, let me know

Word Count: 1703

Warnings: not proof read.

The sun was blazing down on you as you scurried down the busy New York sidewalk. The summer had decided to be blazing hot this wonderful morning, and you had decided to be extraordinarily late for work. Well, perhaps ‘decided’ isn’t the right word— you’d overslept on account of staying up extra late to finish a letter to your Special Friend.

There was no shame in using a dating service, you knew that, yet for some reason the very thought of joining one was something that you had scoffed at for so many years. “I want to meet someone organically,” you’d complain to your friends, “those services are full of strangers who have the weirdest quirks.” To be fair, that had been true in your brief experience using a dating service in college. It was definitely an odd time, figuring out exactly what ‘watersports’ meant. Needless to say, it had taken one single date for you to decide to withdraw your application and swear off dating services.

But you were getting older. And men seemed to just get more and more picky, the older they got. So, when you stumbled across an advertisement in your Sunday newspaper for a matchmaking service called ‘Special Friends’, you jumped at the opportunity. The directions were simple; you filled out the survey in the paper, mailed it to the listed address, and then your answers were compared with other submissions to find the best match for you. Once you received your match, you were to write a letter to them introducing yourself and signing off under the title of ‘Special Friend’. The two of you were given a specific P.O. box to drop your letters off to, provided by the matchmaking service. The only real rules were that the letter had to be handwritten, and you were only allowed to give real names if both parties agreed on it.

Your Special Friend was a true kindred spirit. It had been six months of trading letters back and forth, and the two of you spoke about everything, from your childhoods to your favorite books, from dream destinations to worst fears. About three months into this correspondence, you knew that, whoever this Special Friend was, you loved them. You stayed up until all hours of the night writing draft after draft until you formed the perfect letter. Because of this, you were often late for work in the morning.

Late. That’s right. You were very late. You willed your feet to move you as fast as they possibly could, cursing yourself for choosing this morning to wear heels. Finally, you managed to burst through the door just minutes before opening, scurrying to the back to drop off your bag. You made a mental note to yourself to start carrying flats in your purse, in case of emergency.

You’d just finished touching up your makeup in the small staff room mirror, when you felt someone sidle up beside you. You didn’t have to turn your head to know who it was. The smug energy emanating from his every pore was enough to confirm your suspicions of who was next to you. Santiago Garcia. Your worst nightmare in human form.

“Can I help you with something, Mr. Garcia?” You didn’t even spare him a glance as you finger-combed your hair, which was now windswept from your impromptu jog.

“Not at all, Miss Y/L/N,” Santiago flashed you a smile that, in any other circumstance, would have been charming. You, however, knew that pure contempt lurked behind those pearly white teeth. “I was just marveling at the rare sight of you, here, on time!”

“And why would that be something to marvel at, Mr. Garcia?” you scowled.

“Well, simply because it’s never happened before!” Santiago leaned against the wall, charming smile morphing into the smirk that often adorned his chiseled face. “You know, Miss Y/L/N, you may want to stop frowning so adamantly. At your age, those frown lines tend to stick around.”

“At my age?!” you nearly shrieked at him. “Mr. Garcia, need I remind you that you are older than I am!”

His smirk only widened. “Yes, but you seem to forget that one of us is ageing with grace, Miss Y/L/N.”

Your scowl deepened, and you shoved past him, making your way to the front of the store. You never did understand why Santiago didn’t like you. From the first moment you stepped into the department store, it seemed like he was trying to usher you out. Sure, when he thought you were a customer, he was the most charming man you’d ever spoken to. But once he had realized that you were trying to apply for the new salesperson position, he wanted nothing to do with you. He had insisted that there were no positions available, but Frankie Morales, his friend and co-worker, was quick to usher you to the owner’s office. Mr. Bailey had been a hard man to charm, but when you made your first sale to a woman who was insistent that she was just browsing, he hired you on the spot. After all, you’d gotten her to buy not one, not two, but five jars of various creams and lotions. None of Mr. Bailey’s workers had ever managed to sell that much in one go, not even his prized Mr. Garcia.

Making your way to the front of the store, you said hello and gave a kiss on the cheek to Frankie and each of the Miller brothers, Will and Benny. All three of the boys were quick to welcome you, despite Santi being the unspoken leader of the pack. They quickly became your protective band of brothers, something you’d long wished for as a young child.

“Good morning Frankie! How’s Elisa doing this morning?” You asked Frankie, your tone surprisingly chipper after dealing with Santi in the staff room.

“Round as ever!” Frankie exclaimed, a wide grin on his face. “The doctors estimate that the baby will be here in about a month, and Mr. Bailey’s been so kind as to let me have a month off after the baby arrives. I know it’s going to take a toll on Elisa, and I want to be there for her as much as I can.”

Sometimes, Frankie just melted your heart. It was so plain to see how much he loved his wife and their incoming baby. Their little family was everything you wanted. You only hoped that one day someone would love you just as much as Frankie and Elisa loved each other.

It was beginning to seem as though your Special Friend was never going to reveal himself to you. You had offered to meet for dinner on a few occasions, and each time he insisted that he had prior appointments. You didn’t want to assume anything, of course, but you were getting worried. Surely he wouldn’t lie to you about having a prior engagement, would he? But then, if he was so eager to meet you, as he claimed to be, then why did he never offer an alternative date?

On your way home from work, you stopped at the P.O. box. Your Special Friend had forgotten— or, well, neglected, you supposed— to write you the past two days, but you were adamant about writing at least every other day. You knew how much the letters meant to you, and if they brought him even half as much joy, you wanted to be sure he got it. Perhaps, if you hadn’t been so caught up in your own head, you would have looked up and seen the figure walking away from the wall of P.O. boxes.

To your surprise and delight, there was a letter waiting for you in the box when you finally opened it. If you hadn’t been so excited to read it, perhaps you’d have noticed the flash of a coat turning the corner as they walked away from the wall of boxes.

You hurried to open the letter.

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry to have not been able to write these past few days. Work has been an absolute train wreck, what with the most irritating co-worker constantly fumbling about. Somehow, the boss claims it’s my fault. Could you believe it? My fault that my imbecile of a co-worker is incapable of doing the simplest task that doesn’t involve talking a mile per minute?

But enough about that mess. I am supposed to be apologizing to you, my dear, sweet friend.

I know that you have been wanting to meet me. I am so sorry that I haven’t been able to make any of our appointments. As I’ve told you before, I was once in the army. An experience in war is one that I don’t wish on anyone. It takes a toll on you, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Because of my experience, I’ve decided to counsel other veterans and help them through their traumatic memories. On the nights you had wished to meet me, I’d had previously arranged counseling sessions, as well as one doctors appointment, a check up to see how I am recovering after all of my surgeries that I’ve told you about.

All of this to say, dear friend, that I’ve cleared my schedule for the night of the 27th. If you are available, I would love to meet you at the Ambrosia Garden down on the corner of 12th Avenue. I’ve made a reservation for two under the name Elizabeth Bennett, after you expressed how much you loved Jane Austen’s ‘Pride & Prejudice’. If you show, I will be wearing a purple rose on my lapel. I will look for you, where you will be holding a copy of ‘Pride & Prejudice’, with a purple rose tucked between the pages.

I sincerely hope to see you on the 27the, dear friend. I’ve been longing to meet you since we first exchanged letters, so many months ago.

Sincerely,

Your Special Friend

You had to meet him. You would get to the Ambrosia Garden on the 27th, no matter the cost. You’d find out who your Special Friend was if it was the last thing you did.

#santi garcia x reader #santiago garcia x y/n #santiago garcia x you #santiago garcia fanfiction #santiago garcia #santiago x reader #santiago garcia x reader #she loves me au

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guardianspirits13 · 4 years

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if you feel like answering, why is natsuo your favorite character? like what do you like most about him? what made you connect to him/what made him stand out to you?

Ohhh boy better buckle up because this is gonna be a long one.

First off, thank you so much for the ask, and sorry it took so long to strap down and answer you! Naturally, I have a lot to say and I'm always looking for opportunities to rant about my favorite character 👀

The chapter that first opened my eyes to Natsuo as a character was chapter 252. I was caught up with the manga at this point so I read it right when it was released and it really touched me. From then on I became invested in his character, particularly his relationship with Touya which I really dug into and channeled into my Brother animatic. He's been my favorit from then on, and there are many reasons for this.

I think the main reason his character resonated with me so deeply is because I've never encountered a character who hits nearly as close to home as he does. I didn't have the best relationship with my father growing up, and despite it being a different and much less serious situation than what Natsuo lived through, I can relate to and understand a lot of his resentment on a personal level. Many of his one-liners are things that I have said or thought before almost verbatim, so needless to say Horikoshi definitely knows what he's doing.

It is very important to me how Horikoshi goes out of his way to give this seemingly minor character so much development. Every scene he is in, every word he says has so much thought behind it and contributes to his character tremendously, and some of the best examples of this are in the latest chapters with him.

He has significantly more developent than most of the minor characters in 1a, despite them obviously appearing much more often. This is because whenever Natsuo does appear, he's very outspoken and the scene normally ends up revolving around him in some way.

I also want to talk about his relationship with his family as a whole- one thing about his character that I don't think anyone else has really mentioned before is how humble he is. He grew up in a household where he was neglected and essentially seen as worthless (regardless of his quirk or lack thereof but I have a whole nother essay for that alone), and even Touya wasn't exactly the kindest to him from what we've seen. Despite this, Natsuo was able to forge his own path and become the person he wanted to be. He got through highschool with good enough grades to get into a pre-med program which in Japan is a very hard thing to do considering national standards, not to mention how different the medical field must be with the variety of mutation quirks that exist.

As for humility, I think the fact that he can be proud of Shouto for forging his own path as a hero despite his personal distaste for hero society, and is immediately thankful when he’s saved from a villain by a group of high schoolers. He doesn’t act like he’s better than anyone else because he’s older, or because he won’t forgive Endeavor (quite the contrary, he seems to view his distaste of Endeavor as a shortcoming on his part).

Another thing that I really just adore about his character is how kind and gentle he is, regardless of (or perhaps in spite of) his upbringing. Considering that he's a male character in a shounen manga, this is particularly interesting to me. Out of his brothers he is physically the most similar to Endeavor, but personality-wise the most different. A huge component of this is that he was raised mostly by Fuyumi and continues to be incredibly close to her. Natsuo is a social person and an emotionally driven character, and he is certainly not afraid to speak his mind- if nothing else, he is honest. Compare this to Shouto, who is definitely an introvert and prefers to keep to himself, kind of blunt about things and definitely lacking in emotional awareness. It’s hard to separate Shouto’s personality from lack of socialization as a kid, but even Endeavor shares many of the same traits. Touya is also an emotionally-driven character but in a completely different way, he’s self-serving and angry and driven for revenge. Perhaps if he had a normal childhood Natsuo and Touya would have been much more similar, but Touya’s early signs of mental illness as a kid festered with lack of treatment. Back to Natsuo, he also is very caring and thoughtful, and we really see this most in the 5th light novel, (official translations aren’t out but here’s a link).

We consistently see just how much he cares about the rest of his family (other than Endeavor, obviously). I think this is seen really clearly through his attempts to connect with Shouto. He knows nothing about his little brother but still tries to connect with him in any way he can think of- playing soccer, eating soba, talking with him about his friends and just generally showing interest in his life.

Another interesting point here is that he almost seems to look up to his siblings as being better than him, especially Shouto. This is not in a jealous way, but more self-deprecating as he sees Fuyumi and Shouto letting Endeavor back into their lives and feels guilty and unkind because he is unable to do the same. He is proud of Shouto, but they are different in so many ways that it’s hard to find a middle ground. Shouto is mature in that he is already halfway to a lifelong career and has experienced many dangerous situations, while Natsuo is a college student and years away from helping people on the same level that Shouto does in high school. Inversely, Natsuo is more socially competent and outgoing, while Shouto is sheltered, and has a unique innocence to him. Natsuo is more familiar with their family situation and thus has a more complex understanding and much stronger stance than Shouto, especially because he knew Touya.

He also goes out of his way to try and help Fuyumi and re-iterate how much she means to him (even if it fails, it’s the thought that counts, amirite?). He consistently comes to dinner when Fuyumi invites him, knowingly exposing himself to his pervasive trauma upon seeing Endeavor to allow her to entertain the fantasy of having a happy, normal family.

I really want to re-iterate here how much of his own pain he puts to the side in just agreeing to show up for dinner. Both times he is visibly uncomfortable and almost upset by Endeavor’s presence as if it makes him anxious (which is understandable), and he is mentally incapable of staying in said situation without freaking out, which he does whenever he can’t escape; the first time when Endeavor puts a hand on his shoulder to stop him from leaving, and the second time mere minutes after an incredibly traumatic near-death experience. (Side note: Endeavor should not be getting up into his personal space like he does, knowing full well how uncomfortable Natsuo is with his mere presence).

He puts his own trauma to the side to help his siblings ,and if that isn’t selfless I don’t know what is.

With all of this deliberate development and the advent of the Dabi reveal, I am confident that Natsuo is going to play a larger role in the future and will contribute in some major way to bringing Dabi down. If there's one thing I trust Horikishi for it's that he doesn't develop his characters for nothing. There's always a payoff at the end that puts everything in place, even though he plays a slow burn. I'm always scared that whenever Natsuo shows up he's gonna do/say something that's inconsistent with his character so far and disprove one of my theories/assumptions/headcanons about him and every time I am proven wrong.

In conclusion: I love my salty son.

If you want to read even more of my thoughts on him, here's a link to a rediculously long meta about his trauma and emotions:

Thank you again for the ask. I very much enjoyed writing it and I hope you enjoyed reading it as well!!!

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theboywantscoffee · 4 years

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The Handler is really a fascinating character to me as is her dynamic with Five and how alike they are. Get ready because I’m gonna go on a tangent about them.

I think it goes without saying that in many ways The Handler and Five are very similar people. They’re both pragmatic, goal orientated, cold, and quite simply, both willing to do absolutely anything needed to achieve what they want despite the repercussions others might face at their expense. They both lack a significant level of humanity, something that clearly is a requirement to be able to do the work they do/did at the Commission. They are constantly at a battle of wits and attempting to one up the other, both proving to be a formidable foil to the other consistently throughout the show.

Where things start to contrast between the two is how they grew to be the people they are now. With Five, well, we know why he is the way he is. Five isn’t simply just a product of his childhood. Yes, he still retains a good level of characteristics from his youth into adulthood (arrogant, brash, sees himself as better than everyone else) but Five ultimately was sculpted into the man he is today due to his time subjected to the apocalypse and then shortly after, the Commission.

The apocalypse did a number on Five. It isolated him for over four decades. It tore layer after layer of humanity away from him until he was left so distanced from other people that segueing into becoming an assassin was like second nature. It forced him to become entirely dependent on himself for survival in every aspect of the word. Physically, of course, he had to take care of all his basic survival needs; food, water, shelter, first aid, etc. Mentally and emotionally? He created a whole ‘nother person in the form of a mannequin to help him retain any semblance of either of those things. It damaged Five so deeply that afterwards he was left almost entirely incapable of empathy (key word, almost), unable to ask others for help/acknowledge he needs help, and able to see assassination as a reasonable means to justify an end.

Five was left broken by the apocalypse. He is a product of it. And after going through that traumatic ordeal, he was offered a way out but only through accepting employment at the organization that sat by and allowed his suffering to go on for decades. (I’d love to go into the body modifications/DNA manipulation but that isn’t canon compliant for the show anyway (yet) so I won’t). He was transformed into the perfect killing machine. He took the lives of anyone and everyone who stood out of line by the Commission’s standards. Many who I’m sure weren’t actually bad people (ex, Lila’s parents), but because they were deemed irregularities in the timeline (or they were someone who The Handler could benefit from their death, ex Lila’s parents), they had to go. One doesn’t complete a task like that regularly without lacking a level of morality or connection to fellow humankind.

But The Handler? We don’t really know her back story at all, so perhaps this is going out on a limb here, but I can at the very least say that she did not go through what Five did. There is really no one in the series whose backstory can equate to Five’s. And while I am not entirely excusing Five for being a shitty person sometimes, he and The Handler are very different in the fact that while he was sculpted into one, I think The Handler was just born an awful, monstrous human being. Actually worse than Five. And you know why?

The Handler isn’t even capable of love or empathy or putting anyone else before herself. We don’t see this at all, not even once. The Handler does things strictly for the benefit of herself and no one else. Even when her own self proclaimed daughter asks her if she ever loved her, The Handler doesn’t answer and then proceeds to murder her. Que sera, sera. (Whatever will be, will be). No remorse. No regret. Nothing.

Five, for all of his faults and flaws and uh, murder, still remains more connected to humanity than The Handler. Despite everything he has experienced, everything he has lost, he still has an inkling of heart that’s still beating for others left in him. Because Five still does love and care for people - his entire life purpose is to keep those people, his family, safe and alive, even at the expense of his own happiness and life. Five puts his family before himself every episode, every damn step of the way. He survives 40+ years alone and then works as an assassin for an unspoken measurement of time, all to save his family.

The Handler throws up the front of being a people person and charming. And she does it really damn well. But in reality she is not morally gray. She doesn’t do some good things and some awful things. She is just all around horrible. She employs Five, again, to work for the organization that tore so much away from him. She dangles the idea of a new body before him, gives him a suit with the claim, “clothing make the man, Five,” as if he isn’t something to be taken seriously in his current physical state, as if he still isn’t the man who survived a lifetime in the end of the world and becoming an assassin. She claims that Five owes her because she ‘saved him from a lifetime of being alone’, which in actuality she watched and allowed him to suffer exactly just that. (I have another meta on here about that scene in particular, which you can read HERE). She tricks Five into murdering the board so she can assume power, all under the guise of claiming to help him get his family back to 2019, only to then use him as a scapegoat in their assassination. She literally kills him (almost) and all of his siblings. She writes the kill order on Lila’s parents, lets Five kill them, and then kidnaps Lila all for her own benefit. She continuously lies to her, ultimately betrays her, and kills her too. She sees zero wrongness in kidnapping a disabled boy from his mother so she can transform him into her weapon just like she did Lila. There isn’t a single instance in the entirety of the show where The Handler shows even an ounce of regret, only shock and anger when things don’t go her way. She is power hungry, merciless, and quite possibly even deranged with how unemotive she is towards other human beings.

And one more thing I want to touch on with The Handler that is a bit of a controversial topic in the show - her handsey-ness with Five. Her unnecessary touching and closeness. I am a firm non believer of the idea many have that her and Five used to be involved romantically or physically in any way. I think it’s quite a reach to imagine Five trusting her whatsoever at any point during their time knowing one another. Five is observant as hell and smart - I just can’t see him ever having an ounce of trust in her, especially with again, how she blatantly admits to him when they first meet that the Commission has been watching him for some time. So no, I don’t think her creepy touches with him have anything to do with a former fling (even if Kate or Aidan play into it that way or claim they might have in the past - sorry, headcanon not accepted lol).

I view her behavior as demeaning. I see it as her being condescending towards him, like, “Oh, see how you betrayed me and now look at how you fucked up. Small and weak and nothing to be taken seriously.” She treats him like the tiny child he has physically become and she does it to make him feel inferior and like he has no control of the situation he is in or his life. It’s a slap in the face, a reminder of what he has done to himself because he left the Commission, and she does it because she knows how much it bothers him to be perceived that way. Everything she does and says around Five, she does to make him feel small.

All in all, I really do love The Handler. Do I love that she played a larger role in season 2 than Carmichael? Absolutely not. I don’t love what her character did for the writing or the plot of the show and how it backburnered a lot of things. I think they missed out greatly on a character who was already a fascinating antagonist to Five (Carmichael). However, Kate Walsh is an absolute delight to watch on screen. Her and Aidan have great chemistry and play off one another very well and their scenes are certainly some of my most favorite to watch. I think The Handler is an amazing villain and keeping her as a female as opposed to a male Jon Hamm esque actor as they originally were intending to do was a great idea IMO. I love a female bad ass, even if she is a villain. I’m sad we won’t see more of her purely because she is so fun to watch (and her wardrobe is utter goals) but I’m definitely ready to move on to the next set of antagonists for our favorite dysfunctional family.

#the handler #five hargreeves #number five #tua #the umbrella academy #meta #kate walsh is still a fuckin queen

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cummingforkylo · 4 years

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Kylo Ren is Not Nice-A thesis by Tumblr user CummingForKylo

Kylo Ren is a deeply disturbed and haunted individual who in canon repeatedly disregards the bodily autonomy, as well as the physical and mental wellbeing of many, many individuals; he would struggle to do anything we might consider ‘nice’ or ‘loving’ in any relationship he was in. Kylo Ren is not nice. And oh, do we love him for that. Part of Kylo’s draw is that he is the ultimate bad boy, he’ll choke you and not flinch away as you struggle. Writing and reading smut or fantasy is about exploring things you can’t explore in real life because they are dangerous, unrealistic, or completely imaginary. Don’t dilute or water down bad characters into something that is easier to excuse, or easier for you to love. Pretend that Kylo would be gentle, pretend he’d want to ‘make love’ or kiss you, or provide you aftercare, sure, but don’t say that’s canon. It is simply not canon and never will be and lots of individuals fell in love with Kylo as he was written in canon: mean, aggressive, hot headed, possessive, with a host of behavioral issues because, say it with me: fiction is a place to explore those things safely.

Kylo Ren slaughtered his whole Jedi school, Kylo ordered an entire village of innocent people murdered, he destroys people and property on a whim. Kylo is unrestrained, violent, and angry. Not to mention his has no emotional intelligence. He is incapable of understanding that love could help his anger, he pushes away any attempt to use love to bring him back from he dark side. When his father reaches out to be gentle with him, to offer him love within the safe space of his family, Kylo kills him instead. Kylo doesn’t want to face the pain that has caused his anger, and accepting love would mean he would have to look in the eye of his trauma and his pain so, like so many real life individuals, he chooses to reject love and remain angry. This is why he struggles so much and is being “torn apart” because he doesn’t want to be vulnerable, he doesn’t want to feel things and yet…humans can’t help but feel things so this turns to rage. So the idea that he would suddenly be kind, warm, and affectionate to Reader or even to Rey is laughable.

If you enjoy Kylo’s character, the struggle he goes through and the darkness in him then you have to accept the fact that he’s not someone that would be emotionally available, even in a relationship. Kylo Ren would not be a good real life boyfriend. In fact, in real life, Kylo would be an abusive boyfriend, teetering on murderous. It’s questionable whether or not he’d even be able to call himself a boyfriend to anyone. In fiction, we can decide that slowly Kylo would allow room for someone in his life but would he suddenly be consistently nice to them? No. Would he call himself their partner? No. Would he wrap his arms around them and whisper that he wanted to have a baby with them? Definitely not. It would take a redemption arc, his return to Ben Solo, and then years of painful therapy and self reflection, forgiveness etc to get Ben Solo to that point. For me, one of the most fun aspects of writing Kylo in some kind of relationship is figuring out how he would show tiny amounts of affection for the Reader, what would he feel like he could do without compromising his strength? Spoiler alert: its not much. But that makes those tiny things feel heart-poundingly huge. The hesitation before leaving the room, the unexpected kiss, the gentle hand on the back, all things we take for granted in real life because they’re expected(as they should be) become enormous and diary-entry level exciting with Kylo Ren. (Dear Diary, he didn’t slap me when I asked for a kiss today. I’ve never felt more in tune with him). So why do people need to get up in arms about writers writing Kylo as he really is?

I get countless asks from people wanting me to write Kylo as a sweet boyfriend who is gentle with them. I’ve also had the question about aftercare come up a lot. Then when I say I won’t write Kylo like this because it’s not like him, I tend to get an amount of pushback. Which is kind of what sparked this essay. First and foremost, Kylo wouldn’t even understand what aftercare is. The idea of taking care of someone after you fuck them isn’t something that he’d understand because of the aforementioned lack of emotional intelligence. Second, Kylo wouldn’t be in a typical BDSM relationship with someone where there are agreed upon limits. He is not a Nice Guy. He is not someone you would want to do these things with you from a place of mutual respect because he is not capable of mutual respect. Kylo Ren does not respect, unless it is someone who is an accomplished dark side of the Force user(Vader, Palpatine…kinda and Snoke but thats questionable near the end too). I don’t know about other people, but my sexual fantasies do not revolve around contracts, safe words, and gentle aftercare. They revolve around a world where my deepest fantasies can come true as if they’re a real life horrible situation, not a BDSM scene with rules and regulations. I don’t fantasize about Kylo Ren being a realistic and good Dominant. No, I fantasize about what BDSM scenes only simulate. I’m sure there are people that are different from me, and want the contracts, consent, safe words and aftercare. But that means Canon!Kylo might not be for them.

I don’t want to gatekeep the Kylo Ren character at all that is not my intent. If you have a fantasy of him caring for you, being your boo, snuggling you etc thats wonderful! You’re allowed to have those fantasies but please, please don’t argue with me about my want to portray his character as accurately as I can. Don’t tell me that he’s soft, or that he ‘needs love’ or anything. No, Kylo Ren is Not Nice. He is incapable of accepting love. I am honestly taking great creative license when I choose to have him not kill Reader after he fucks her. There are things I write that aren’t the most realistic, there are aspects of him that I think are fun to explore even though they aren’t totally in character—but generally speaking I like to keep his characteristics as canon as they can be. That is that he is a mass murdering, hot tempered, sarcastic, damaged, rage-filled, aggressive dark side user and I still want to suck his dick.

#kylo ren #I might continue this essay at a later date but for now this is what you get #kylo ren x reader #kylo ren x you #kylo ren headcanons #kylo ren imagines #kylo ren smut #reylo #writing #Kylo Ren Is Not Nice #kylo ren fanfiction

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cruelfeline · 4 years

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This Got Long and I am Sorry

Well, the anti in the Hordak tag deleted their post, which is a huge bummer because it means no fun games for me. But! I have been looking forward to addressing the points in that post all day, and I won’t give up my chance to talk ad nauseam about Hordak. Because y’all know that I love to talk about Hordak.

also I saved the post as a draft prior to it getting deleted so I actually have the whole thing hahaha

However: in order to prevent the original poster from getting harassed for said post, I’m just going to address points via my own summary. Safer that way! So, here we go: addressing some posited reasons that Catra and Hordak are not comparable, plus some claims about why Hordak can’t be treated with the same kindness many like to treat Catra with.

1. Hordak being a clone of a dictator/not being biologically similar to Catra et. al, acting as he does because of this biology as a clone.

This portion of that post was a little odd because I don’t really understand what the argument was. Perhaps the idea that Hordak literally cannot be anything different than his progenitor due to... cloning science? I’m not sure.

But assuming that that was the intended argument: being a clone essentially means having the same DNA as someone else. That’s all. It does not mean that you are the exact same person (ask some identical twins if they are the same exact person as their sibling). The environment one is raised in, along with epigenetics (changes in individuals due to gene expression rather than DNA), provides infinite variations between individuals that might share the same DNA. So this argument is a little... nonsensical?

Now, I can definitely buy that some of Hordak’s morality might be biology-based; that is a legitimate argument. See this post regarding why an individual like Hordak may not have issues raising children for his army, for example. Mind you, I don’t really see this as an argument in support of him just being an evil, irredeemable bastard; rather, I look at it as an argument against “natural evil” and more in favor of different biological, cultural, and environmental factors creating an alien morality.

2. Hordak created a social system that resulted in all sorts of abuses being visited upon children. He viewed said children as disposable materials for his war.

...yeah, actually, just go to this post again. Honestly, I have zero expectation for Hordak to have any sort of special tenderness towards children. I don’t expect a clone from a society of clones to value children, not because he’s pure evil, but because he comes from a world where children aren’t a thing. Why would he value them?

A creature whose life is so different from ours as to give it a different sense of morals isn’t necessarily evil, even if they do things that we look upon as evil via our morality. Morality is not a universal constant; our evil may be meaningless to an alien, whereas our good might be horrifying to them. It all depends on the creature.

And as far as seeing children as disposable material for war: well, that follows, doesn’t it? Because after all, Hordak is also disposable material for war. Material that was actually disposed of.

3. Hordak was ready to murder Catra for disobeying orders; he’s likely murdered other high ranking officers for the same.

There is no evidence that Hordak has personally murdered anyone, so we’re just going to pass on that. One may speculate all one wants, but unless Hordak presents me with a neatly-written list of all the poor souls he’s slain, I don’t have much to say about this.

However, regarding him being ready to kill Catra: this is a complex situation because it was not as simple as “Catra disobeyed, so she must die.” Catra did not just disobey Hordak; she lied to him. He gave her a chance to come clean, to be trustworthy and loyal, to own up to a mistake, and she lied to him.

This is an issue for a couple of reasons: first, Hordak appears to have a thing about lies. He has a thing about people deceiving him (potentially because, where he comes from, he is truly incapable of lying), about not knowing what people around him are planning. Personally, I think that this is at least somewhat rooted in self-defense: he is physically weak without armor and prone to emotional manipulation by anyone who knows anything remotely intimate about him. Catra proves this point by manipulating the bejeezus out of him during season four, right after showing him that she can kill him anytime she likes by disarming him via crystal-grab. If one of his subordinates is prone to deceiving him, he needs to get rid of that subordinate to protect himself.

Second, when Catra loses Shadow Weaver, she truly does endanger the whole Horde. Like, Shadow Weaver literally helps the Princesses infiltrate during season three. That is a thing that happens. Hordak isn’t just pulling dumb moments of insubordination from thin air; he elects to eliminate Catra because she has done something that proves to be actually detrimental to the Horde in a serious way.

I don’t mean to say that Hordak is morally correct in sentencing Catra to death, first via Beast Island, then via Crimson waste; what I mean to say is that he enacts an extremely dramatic punishment not due to simple disobedience, but due to Catra being legitimately dangerous to his life and the life of the Horde. It’s still not “good,” but it’s not the same as killing Catra for mouthing off. It’s not some grand confirmation of irredeemable evil; it’s not that simple.

4. Catra is an abused child who has been broken physically, emotionally, and psychologically since she was an infant; Hordak, on the other hand, has no background in abuse. The only bad that has happened to him is being called a defect and sent out to fight and die, which didn’t really matter because he was a clone anyway.

This… this is a sentiment some antis hold that is honestly disturbing to me.

I won’t touch on the Catra portion; all of that is true.

But Hordak… I cannot comprehend how some people don’t seem to understand the true horror of Hordak’s situation. As far as we currently know, as of season four, Hordak was manufactured to be a tool of war. He was never meant to be his own person, despite clearly having the psyche of one. He didn’t even have, couldn’t have, his own name. He was born into this purpose with no way out, no hope for any choice of his own. For pity’s sake, he has a port in the back of his neck that allows him to be erased without a moment’s notice. That is a piece of hardware someone put in him to completely control him against his will. It is a level of bodily autonomy violation suffered by no one else on this show.

Hordak has essentially no personal self-esteem and no ability to self-validate outside of his identity as Prime’s clone. His entire concept of self-worth is based upon being useful to Prime, to the point that he doesn’t seem to understand that his being thrown away for getting sick is not only not his fault, but morally abhorrent. He is so emotionally dependent on his Brother that, despite severe risk to his own life, he seeks to return to him rather than simply taking Etheria for himself (which is what he would have done if he simply wanted to be a ruler). He needs Prime’s validation, Prime’s approval, that badly.

And he tries to obtain that approval despite being absolutely terrified of Prime, despite it being very clear to us that there is no way that Prime will ever give it as long as Hordak remains his own self. Despite all of that, Hordak needs it because he was manufactured and programmed and conditioned to worship this terrible creature, and he simply cannot grasp a different way to live. He’s too emotionally sick.

I’m not sure how someone can look at this character and not see what has happened to him, what is happening to him, as abuse.

5. Hordak only starts to care about anything else when Entrapta enters his life, and he only does so because she validates him; even then, it takes a long time.

This is a perplexing concept to me because… well, yes? Of course he only starts to see things differently when he bonds with Entrapta? Obviously?

Until then, he never had anyone suggest to him that he could be a worthwhile person without having some sort of practical use. He never had a companion to share his vulnerabilities with. He only had his sick ties to Prime.

Perhaps this means to suggest that Hordak should have started building a new life without the help he received from Entrapta? As if people suffering from mental illness and severe emotional pain should just be able to lift themselves up with zero support and fix their whole lives in a snap.

Ailing people tend to need other people’s support to get through their troubles. Hordak not being able to see new possibilities for his life without Entrapta’s help doesn’t say anything negative about him; all it says is that he needed someone’s support to start healing. Just as the overwhelming majority of people do.

6. Catra wants to be in charge so that others can’t hurt her. Hordak wants to be in charge just so he can “be on top,” and he only regrets what occurs with Prime because it means he is no longer dominant.

Hordak as a warlord is actually a very interesting thing to look at. He fails to act in the way that many enthusiastic, traditional warlord characters do, to the point that he seems less into the ruling and more into the obtainment of Prime’s esteem via conquering a planet to prove his worth. Which is, y’know, what’s happening: Hordak doesn’t care about ruling Etheria. He cares about conquering it so he can present it to Prime and prove that he deserves to live. The full post about that is right here.

If Hordak really cared about ruling something, he would have never bothered wasting all of that time building a portal to get in contact with Prime. He would have focused all of his efforts on conquering Etheria and left it at that. His actions only make sense when one understands that he doesn’t actually care about being a tyrannical lord; he cares about showing his Brother that he’s a good boy.

7. Catra feels regret for her actions; Hordak does not. Catra sees herself as an irredeemable bad person and hates herself. Hordak doesn’t believe he needs to be redeemed and just wants to control everything.

Again, I won’t touch Catra here, because that assessment is valid.

Hordak, however: Hordak literally thinks so little of himself that he believes it his own job to prove to his brother that he shouldn’t have been tossed aside to die. He doesn’t see this as a moral failing on Prime’s part. He doesn’t see it as wrong, that he was thrown away because he got sick. He sees it as a problem that it is his responsibility to fix.

Hordak admits to Entrapta that he has doubts: perhaps Prime was right. Perhaps he, Hordak, is a failure. Perhaps it was okay to send him out to die.

Hordak believes Catra’s lies about Entrapta’s “betrayal” because, Twitter Word of God, he views himself as undeserving of friendship.

Whether Hordak believes himself needing redemption is beside the point: the core of Hordak’s story and character arc has nothing to do with being a morally good person. It has to do with learning, understanding, and internalizing that he has his own value beyond what Horde Prime grants him. It has to do with accepting himself as he is, triumphs and shortcomings alike. It has to do with realizing that he has a right to live with or without Prime’s say-so.

Moral redemption has nothing to do with it because before Hordak has any hope of learning to respect the rights of others, he has to learn to fight for his own.

Am I done? I think I’m done.

Well. Regrettably, I had to summarize this, so the original poster’s words are not verbatim intact, but I think I got the sense of them! Also regrettably, they will likely not see or respond to this, so that chance for active dialogue is gone. But anyone else can respond if they like, including any antis lurking about the tag. Well; if you can slog through this whole thing!

Anyway, in conclusion: Hordak is a sad bastard man. He has just as many painful personal problems as Catra and will forever have all of my sympathy and kindness because I have decided that he deserves it. So there.

#hordak #catra #man I have been looking forward to writing this nonsense all day and it was a good time #i love talking about this bastard #to the point that i appreciate antis giving me posts to respond to #you go you angry little people

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8uggestionamplifie6 · 3 years

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I was just reading some fanfics about what if anidala became public, and I realized somthing...

Anidala is dumb. Like, nothing about it does makes sense.

In most fanfics I read, the author blames the Jedi Code for being too strict and causing Anakin to Fall or whatever, which I understand BUT I myself also have a probably unpopular opinion.

I, a human being with emotions and feelings, AGREE with the Jedi Order's no-attachment rule or at least most of it. And you know why?

If I had a lover whom I were willing to ANYTHING for (killing, genocide, murdering, manipulating, etc.), I would Fall and become a Sith within seconds. Just like Anakin did. If I were a superhero who was attached to somebody, I would GLADLY watch Earth burn if it meant saving that one single person. I would kill innocents, I would pillage and murder and kill and do so many bad things—all in the name of saving this person.

Morally, THAT is extremely wrong on so many levels. Killing people and being selfish to an outlandish degree is wrong, no matter the justification.

Choosing ONE PERSON over THE ENTIRE GALAXY is wrong. That goes against everything about being a Jedi. Being a Jedi means being selfless, means caring about the galaxy at large, means putting the galaxy first. The Jedi are a people who look at the bigger picture and care about the bigger picture. They aren't selfish, they don't love possesively, and they don't put the people they love over the galaxy. A single life for the betterment of the galaxy after all, a sentiment which I wholeheartedly respect.

(Because starting a war, killing people, and committing various atrocious crimes is NOT something you should do, not something a JEDI should do.)

And Anakin KNEW THIS. He took those kriffing Jedi Knight vows WILLINGLY, just like how he took those marriage vows with Padme willingly. Most marriage vows consist of putting their relationship, their love, and their spouse above all else, which means that Anakin took these vows that heavily contradict Jedi Oaths and beliefs and HE KNEW BUT HE STILL TOOK THEM.

He was a Jedi. He could have left the Order. Sure, there was a war going on but NO ONE WAS FORCING HIM TO STAY. He could have left.

You can argue that Anakin had enough morals at the time to not just leave when there was a war, but that does not mean that he is excused for marrying Padme. He did not need to marry her if that were the case. If he were that in love with her, they should have just dated. Because they could not promise anything. They could not promise that they would make it out of the war alive. They could not promise that they would choose their love over their duties. They could not promise anything.

Which why they got married, I guess, which makes sense on some level. But if they already couldn't promise anything to each other then why did they take vows that they knew they might not be able to keep?

And if Anakin was going to choose the war, choose being a Jedi, over being a husband and lover to Padme, the wife he willingly made vows to, he shouldn't have married her in the first place then.

(In a relationship, both spouses must be treated equally. No one should come above the other and they should love and support each other. No wife nor husband deserves to be ignored when they deserve so much better, when they deserve the attention and love of their spouse and not be ignored. They deserve to get the full extent of their marriage vows.)

And I'm pretty sure that if they both had told the Jedi Council, they would have helped Anakin phrase his vows to Padme differently, in a way that would allow him to be both a Jedi and a husband without compromising either roles. If Ki-Adi Mundi could balance being a Jedi and being married then so could have Anakin. Except he didn't ask for help and that is why he inadvertently ended up chaining himself to the selfish vows of marriage and the selfless vows being a Jedi.

(I am not hating on people who are selfish because being selfish is a natural thing. Being selfish is okay, but being super selfish to the point where it makes no sense is not okay.)

Being married means being in a committed and serious relationship that is fair and equal and healthy. If Anakin was not ready for that level of commitment yet then he shouldn't have married Padme. He could not be both a Jedi and a husband, but he still wanted the best of both worlds and he COULD NOT LET GO of what he saw as HIS or HIS RIGHT TO HAVE.

He knew this. Anakin freaking knew the vows he was taking and he STILL TOOK THEM.

And yet, despite knowing this and despite taking his Jedi oaths, at the end of the day, when Padme's name was put on a list of all the people in the galaxy, only hers was the one that stood out and mattered to Anakin. Thousands, millions, billions of other names with histories and families did not matter when compared to Padme.

Which is why Anakin and Padme's relationship is so dumb and so selfish.

Because Anakin was willing to do ANYTHING for Padme (killing, maiming, becoming a Sith, you name it and he would do it without looking back at the destruction and mayhem he left behind in his footsteps) and their relationship was NOT particularly healthy either.

Anakin straight-up force-choked Padme and that is most definitely physical abuse

Let's be real here and face the truth. Anakin is possessive. He does not love selflessly. He loves obsessively and like a slaver (which is ironic, I know). Because he loved the IDEA of Padme and the IDEA of Luke & Leia. He had not seen Padme in over a decade during AotC and yet he was already in love with her. Like I said, Anakin was in love with the IDEA of Padme because she was HIS angel, just like how Luke and Leia were HIS children. He nearly killed Clovis for talking to and showing interest in Padme!

Their relationship was NOT balanced or equal. Anakin constantly had more power in their relationship.

Their marriage was not fair to Padme. She deserves so much (but not the destruction of the entire galaxy) and yet all she got were stolen moments with a husband she saw only once every 3-4 months. Anakin chose being a Jedi over her and no wife deserves to be placed second, especially not during the first or second or third years of their marriage and after they took specific marriage vows. Which is why they shouldn't have married in the first place. If Anakin was already going to choose fighting in the war over her, then he should have respected his vows as a Jedi and not taken marriage vows with Padme.

A SECURE relationship does not have these sort of problems.

Not to mention that they had only known each other for a mere WEEK before getting married and Anakin, by Jedi standards, was a CHILD, A PADAWAN, when he got married to Padme and Padme was five years older than him. I don't care too much about the age-gap but they should have waited for a few more years at least. Anakin was still a teenager. He hadn't fully grown into himself yet. In contrast, Padme already had and she should have waited for Anakin to mature and turn into a proper adult (mentally and emotionally because we all know he was not doing so well there).

In most cases, marrying young is a bad idea and doesn't really work because neither partners have fully developed into themselves or attained the experience they need for the real world yet. This means that the two spouses would have to learn to grow TOGETHER in order to keep their marriage, but for all their innocent young minds knew at the time they got married, they were apparently the 'perfect match'. This is why most young marriages end in a divorce because the couple does not grow as human beings together and instead grow apart because they are realizing that they are not so compatible as they first seemed.

And yes, Padme is just as much at fault as Anakin is.

She should have known better. She should have made better decisions. She was a politician and she should have known getting married to a Jedi was a bad idea. If their marriage ever got out to the public, her political career would be ruined and Anakin would have to leave the Jedi Order.

(And we all know that, for Padme, her career as a politician that can help people matters quite a lot to her, perhaps even more than Anakin.)

Being the Senator and representative of Naboo means being neutral in many legislations except Naboo affairs. If any legislation or laws about the Jedi Order came up in the Senate, she would be incapable of being neutral because Anakin is a Jedi and that's all that matters to her. If their relationship is revealed, all her decisions and votes on legislations/laws passed or talked about in the Senate would be questioned and scrutinized by her enemies and friends in the political community.

(Let's not even mention how she traded Grevious for Anakin during the Clone Wars without consulting with anyone. They could have taken out a major player right there! But no, she decided to be selfish and ignore her duties.)

Additionally, Padme took vows per her people's customs and she told NO ONE. Not her family, not her friends, not her people, nobody. Same thing for Anakin because he didn't tell anything to Obi-Wan, his guardian at the time, or the Council.

Neither Anakin nor Padme were ready for marriage when they did. They had their vows and their duties, but they ultimately decided that being selfish was the way to go.

The only reason why their marriage appeared to work during the Clone Wars is because of how little time they truly spent together. Instead of spending time together and trying to see which pieces fit where and whether their edges and curves complemented each other or not, Anakin was constantly on the battlefield and Padme was constantly in the Senate. During the small quiet moments they did have as a couple during the Clone Wars, they still did not have enough time to see if they would slot into each other like missing pieces or if they were actually compatible.

They didn't have that sort of time or luxury during the Clone Wars.

Which leads me to believe that Anakin and Padme would likely have gotten a divorce the moment they had to spend more than two weeks in each other's presence. Because, assuming the war had ended positively without order 66 and with palpacreep being killed, they would inevitably have to spend a lot of time with each other. And during the past 3 years of warfare and turmoil and strife, they had both grown into their own individual persons and the time they spent with each other during the war had not been enough to showcase that fact. Now, with the war ended, they suddenly have that time on their hands now and they both would realize just how much the other had changed and how different they really were. Because they had NOT grown TOGETHER like a couple should, they had grown separately.

The only way I can imagine Anakin and Padme staying together is for Luke and Leia, but even that's iffy. They'd probably just get a divorce and fight in court about custody rights and whatnot (and Padme would most definitely end up winning). If they do happen to stay together, they would be arguing left and right, and thus create a toxic environment for Luke and Leia to grow up in. I'd bet they'd be so focused on arguing with each other and trying to get their careers back that they'd unintentionally neglect babies Luke and Leia without even realizing it.

(And Obi-Wan, being the kind man that he is, would probably end up playing babysitter or something. Same for Ahsoka. And we all know just how much paperwork and problems they already have to deal with. They'd both be so exhausted taking care of the twins but at least they'll reconnect as grandmaster and grandpadawan.)

In other words, Anakin and Padme should never have gotten married or even been in a relationship. They were not ready for the things and details that come with being in a relationship and their reckless actions reflect that.

If they were going to be in a stable and secure relationship, then Anakin would have needed some serious therapy sessions before that and so would Padme because she literally heard him confess to murdering innocent men/women/children for the death of his mother and she IGNORED THOSE RED FLAGS. So obviously, they both deserve a therapist each.

In short, Anakin and Padme were both selfish people who made selfish decisions that badly affected the galaxy as a whole.

They should never have gotten together.

Remember, this is my opinion. If you don't agree, that's okay and I WILL respect your opinion. I'm not going to force you to see it my way because you're you and I'm me. We're different people with different opinions and that's okay, understand? Okay, good.

#star wars #anidala #politics #relationship #romantic relationship #positive relationships #non toxic relationships we stan #I was reading some fanfics about anidala becoming public after the war ends (palpacreep dies obviously)#and I realized how dumb Anakin and Padmé were #Like Anakin wasn't even a Knight when he and Padme got married #They are both so irresponsible #Padme you could have dated Daddy-Wan Kenobi #Obi-Wan was literally RIGHT THERE #But NOO #A CHILD MURDERERING AND CREEPY ANAKIN SKYWALKER IS APPARENTLY BETTER #they are both so dumb #i cant believe it #i cant put it into words #Padme you had better options #Anakin you need therapy #anakin x padme #I forgot to add that tag haha #padme amidala #anakin skywalker #a lot of caps I know but I don't know how to do italics and im too lazy so im not even gonna try #love does not equal attachment in this household #i am so mad right now #Ive only watched a bit of clone wars so I probably got some things wrong but I don't care because Anidala is stupid and it pisses me off #the jedi order and their rules though strict make a lot of sense because having a space wizard as a lover is not a good thing #especially when they can kill people with a swing of their lightsaber

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banditthewriter · 5 years

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Redolence - Billy Russo - 6

Final part of this A/B/O series. This has been an amazing short journey and I am so grateful to everyone who has read, commented, reblogged, liked, or messaged about it. This my favorite story I’ve written so far, so thank you for letting me share it.

Reminder, I use a comprehensive set of warnings so please be mindful. If you have questions or concerns, shoot me a message!

Redolence: the quality of smelling strongly of something or of having qualities (especially smells) that make you think of something else

Warnings: Smut. No really, lots of smut. Also angst because yeah. Sex in various positions. Oral sex (male and female receiving.) The reader does sleep with other Alphas but it is only ever mentioned, never described. Some talk of slave trade, not detailed. Angry sex. Unprotected sex. Reader experiences a bad panic attack that is described.

Tags are at the bottom. Let me know if you would like to be added to one of my tag lists!

*gif is mine*

Enjoy!

*****

The touchscreen near the door chimed and you winced. Your head was killing you as if you had been drinking for days but you had just been crying.

It had been almost a week since you’d last seen Billy. You had denied a request from an Alpha in that time frame but you knew you needed to get back to work. So with that in mind you went to the touchscreen and turned it on.

It was a woman, Laura, and that was all you needed to see before you accepted the Alpha. It was a few days away, but it was a step in the right direction. At least this way you could tell yourself that you were trying.

Your phone sat untouched on the counter. You had missed calls from Karen and you knew you’d need to respond at some point before she tried to break into the center to find you, but you just couldn’t handle it yet.

She would hear it in your voice and you were incapable of lying to her. You’d tell her that not only were you in love with that Alpha you had told you about but that you broke your own heart by telling him you wouldn’t be his companion anymore.

You’d also tell her about what happened at his place and that was just opening up a can of worms you didn’t have the time or energy for.

Another reason you hadn’t touched your phone was because you were honestly worried you might try to contact Billy. After what had happened when he dropped you off, you doubted he’d want that. And it wouldn’t be a good idea.

The clothes he had let you wear home were in a vacuum sealed bag in your closet. Every now and then you opened it up to catch his scent and felt even more guilty. It was like you were stealing memories.

Billy’s rut was coming up. You kept away from the computer so that you couldn’t look him up and see if any Omegas had left a comment regarding spending his rut with them. You didn’t want to know who he picked after you. You didn’t want to think about him with someone else.

You just couldn’t. It would break you and you wouldn’t be able to function.

Instead you curled up on the couch with a blanket around you. You missed Billy but you needed to move on.

------

The sheets were changed, toiletries were laid out, and food was waiting. You paced back and forth in your living room as if you couldn’t stop moving.

When the door chimed, you almost smacked into it in your rush to check the touchscreen. After you checked that the woman on the other side was Laura, you opened the door to let her in.

“Make yourself at home,” you said as you opened the door wider for her to walk in.

Laura started to step in but she stopped, her nose wrinkling. You watched as she took a long sniff and start to shake her head.

“I’m really sorry, this isn’t going to work,” she said as she frowned, her eyes meeting yours. “I respect an Omega’s choice of work, but I refuse to sleep with a mated Omega.”

You had a lot of emotions at once at that, but you pushed them down. Instead you quickly shook your head and stepped a little closer to her.

“I’m not mated, really,” you started but she let out a laugh.

“Honey, you’re so mated that I smelled it in the hallway. I just didn’t realize it was you.”

You gave a discrete sniff of your shirt and then looked back at Laura. She wasn’t frowning anymore, but you could see the confusion on her face. You were glad you weren’t the only confused one.

“I mean, there was a guy, but we didn’t… we didn’t do the mating ritual.” You would have remembered that. “And I’ve… I’ve had other Alphas and none of them ever said...”

Laura sighed. She didn’t shut the door, but she did take your hand.

“This isn’t a regular mating scent so most Alphas wouldn’t have really noticed. They may have noticed that you didn’t smell exactly like your scent receptor down in the choosing room, but they probably didn’t think anything of it.” She squeezed your hand and gave you a comforting smile. “I’ve been around True Mates my whole life so I know the scent a mile away. It’s the same scent my parents have.”

You opened your mouth and then immediately shut it. Then you tried again but no words would come out.

Laura laughed. She reached into her purse and pulled out an old receipt and a pen. She wrote something down and handed it to you.

“I’d stay and talk to you tonight, but my rut is coming so I need to get back down to the choosing room and pick another one. Here’s my number though. Call me tomorrow afternoon and we can meet up for lunch, okay?”

She squeezed your hand and gave you a beautiful smile.

“It’s going to be okay honey, I promise.”

With that she turned and walked out of the apartment. You shut the door and looked down at the receipt for a long moment. Then you contacted the Betas in the choosing room so they’d know the Alpha had rejected you. You didn’t tell them why and you doubted she would either.

You settled onto your couch, hands shaking as you pulled your knees up to your chin. It was doubtful that your True Mate was anyone but Billy. If she was right—and why would she lie—it explained so much.

It explained why you felt different about him from day one. It explained why you could never stop thinking about him. It may even explain why you’d felt so drained lately unless you were with him. It explained why you wanted him more than you’d ever wanted anything before. And why you were such an emotional mess when it came to him.

It still did not absolve the fact that you didn’t feel like you were good enough for him. Just because you were True Mates didn’t mean that you would have to be together, right? Because if you were True Mates, he would be feeling these things as well and that hadn’t changed how he acted.

You felt so lost and you couldn’t wait until tomorrow when you could call Laura and get more information about it. You had a feeling you’d need it.

------

“Your scent isn’t as repulsive when I’m not in my rut,” Laura said as she sat down across from you at the small diner the two of you ended up at. “Hope you got some sleep last night although I doubt you did.”

You smiled as you pulled your cup of coffee closer to you.

“Is it because I look like death? Because I feel like death.”

Laura smiled and ordered her own drink. Once it was delivered, she took a long sip before she looked at you.

“You probably have questions. Go ahead and ask.”

You sat up a little straighter. You’d been up most of the night thinking this through so you did have questions. Hopefully you didn’t forget anything.

You really should have written them down.

“Is this why I’ve been feeling so run down lately?”

She nodded and propped her arms onto the table as she met your gaze.

“True Mates have the added benefit of their bodies wanting to get the actual mating done as soon as possible so this is your body telling you to get a move on. How long have you known this person?”

You winced as you leaned back in your seat.

“Few months.”

She let out a whistle through her teeth. Then she shrugged her shoulder.

“It can be mistaken as a lot of things so it’s not unusual I guess. Especially if you don’t know the signs.”

That wasn’t on your list, but it did make you curious. You asked her what the signs were and watched as she made a mental list in her head before she started talking.

“You feel connected to them almost instantly. Your body reacts to them immediately. The sex is usually fantastic,” she said with a grimace. “Things I didn’t need to know about my parents honestly.”

You laughed at that and settled into your seat a little more.

“You said there’s a different scent right? And it’s just so uncommon that no one would recognize it?”

“Yeah, True Mates aren’t really something you see a lot of these days. Most people honestly think they are a myth if that tells you anything. But because I grew up with them, I can smell it all over you. Honestly I couldn’t tell that you weren’t actually mated with him because it’s so strong.”

You wondered if that had anything to do with the fact that you and Billy had slept together just over a week before, but you weren’t about to ask that. Plus you didn’t need to know anyone else what you had done outside of the center’s walls.

“Does it feel the same for Omegas and Alphas? Is he… does he feel like this too?”

It was a question that you knew you needed to ask. You needed to know if he was going through the same hell that you were.

The look on her face said that you weren’t going to like the answer.

“Being True Mates doesn’t mean that it’s a match made in heaven, it just means that you are ultimately compatible. There are plenty of True Mates who can’t stand each other or who just never fell in love. So physically he’ll feel like you, but like you he might just think he’s not feeling well. Emotionally? Well, to each their own.”

So that wasn’t the answer you wanted, but at least you had the truth now. It didn’t exactly make you feel better to know that Billy was feeling as run down as you were, but it also didn’t answer you question of whether or not he cared about you too.

What did it matter? It didn’t matter if you were True Mates; you still weren’t going to be good enough for him.

“Does it… does it ever go away? If we don’t mate, will it just fade with time?”

She gave you a sad smile.

“No, it doesn’t,” she said softly. “And those pesky feelings you have for him that aren’t part of the True Mate thing? Those don’t really go away on their own either. If you want to get over him, that’s a possibility, but it takes a lot of time and some effort.”

You propped your chin up on your hand as you stared out of the window. Even without the True Mate thing, you didn’t think you’d ever be able to get over Billy. You fell in love and you’d fallen hard.

“Should I tell him? About… it affects him too, right?”

Laura shrugged her shoulder and leaned back in her chair.

“That’s up to you. Someone may tell him down the road, that’s always a possibility, but it just depends on what you want. And honestly if you tell him that you’re True Mates, you should probably tell him how you feel. Not really a better time than that.”

You wiped a hand over your face and sighed.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

------

You draped the blanket over your couch and sighed. You were exhausted and really needed a nap, but it was barely noon. As you stepped over a box in the floor, you headed into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. Mid-sip, you heard your cell phone buzz on the charger.

“Coming, coming,” you mumbled as you made your way across the living room to grab the phone. It was probably Karen wanting to check on you.

Instead you found yourself looking at Billy’s name. You had never deleted him out of your phone despite knowing that you should. And you were glad you hadn’t, but you weren’t prepared to talk to him.

The screen stopped flashing and turned dark. Your shoulders sagged in disappointment. After a long moment where the phone didn’t buzz to say that you had a voicemail, you started to turn away. But the phone started up again.

His name was flashing on the screen. You picked up the phone and let your finger hover over the button to accept the call. And as it rang on more, you realized it was going to end again.

Maybe he wouldn’t call back this time.

Without thinking, you accepted the call and put the phone to your ear.

“Hello?”

“What the fuck happened? Where are you?”

Did he have to sound so angry? You had missed him so much over these last couple of weeks and hearing his voice now was wonderful. You just wished he didn’t sound so angry.

“What do you mean?”

You heard him let out a huff.

“I called the center when my rut came up. When I asked about you, they said you weren’t there anymore. Is it because what happened with us?”

You settled down on the edge of the couch, your fingers rubbing over your knee.

“You said you wouldn’t ask for me again.”

“Goddammit Y/N that’s not the point! What happened? Where are you?”

You looked around your new apartment and sighed.

“I left the center. I got my own place in the city.”

There was nothing but silence on the line. You wondered if you had somehow lost service, but then you heard him swear.

“Is this because what happened? Between the two of us? Fuck, you didn’t have to tell them what happened.”

You swallowed and stretched your legs out, feeling the urge to pace. There were a few too many boxes in your apartment for that to be a good idea though so you stayed put. The restless energy would disappear over time.

“I didn’t tell them. I just left because… because it was time.”

It hadn’t been something you ever thought you’d do, but you felt good for having done it. You had more than enough money to the point where you probably would never have to work if you didn’t want to, but you were still looking for a job. You weren’t ashamed of your time as a companion at the center, but you had to admit to being happy to being out of there.

No more Alphas, no more routines, no more… wishing every person you were with was Billy.

“What… what are you going to do now?”

You shrugged your shoulders even though he couldn’t see you.

“I don’t know yet. I’ll figure it out as I go.”

And you would. That was the only part that kept you relaxed as your whole life was tilted upside down.

There was silence on the other line for a while but you could hear him breathing.

“If you’re not protected by the center, who is protecting you? Are you… did you find someone to claim you?”

Did his voice have to waver as he asked that? It wasn’t fair and it made you think of impossible things.

“My best friend’s mate gave a temporary claim on me until I find a job.”

You weren’t going to ask for it but the moment Karen heard you were leaving, she had jumped at the chance. She told you that Frank would claim you until you found a job or decided what else you wanted to do. Now you wore an ID tag with his information on it. It did make you feel a little bit like a dog, but you didn’t mind.

It was temporary. You just had to keep telling yourself that.

“I’m glad you’re doing okay. And I hope this works out for you.”

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes. His voice was so soft and caring that it felt like you had been transported to a month ago, before everything went to hell. You wiped at the tears uselessly and gave a little laugh.

“I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with me after…”

Billy let out a sigh on the other side of the call.

“I shouldn’t have said those things. I was pissed off and confused and… I never should have talked to you like that. I just couldn’t figure out why you were doing that. Still not sure why you did it.”

You took a deep breath and let it out quietly. You weren’t going to do this. You had made the decision when you decided to leave that you weren’t going to reach out to Billy and tell him about the True Mates thing. But hearing his voice right now was making you rethink that decision.

“Could we… meet for coffee or something? I have your clothes and I, well, I want to explain.”

You held your breath as you waited for his response.

“There’s a coffee shop just down from my apartment. Today?”

You were in no way ready for this but there wasn’t another option. You needed to tell Billy not only why you had tried to put distance between the two of you, but why both of you were feeling the way you were. He needed to know.

He deserved that.

“Yeah, I’ll meet you there in an hour.”

------

“I can’t do this,” you said into your phone as you walked down the street towards the coffee shop Billy had told you about. “I can’t go meet him and tell him how I feel. I can’t… I can’t tell him the truth.”

Karen sighed on the other side of the call.

“You have to though. And I still can’t believe you never told me that you had a True Mate. Do you realize how big that is? I tell you everything about me and Frank–”

“Including the things I ask you not to tell me,” you cut in with a grin.

“–and you couldn’t tell me something as big as this? I don’t even know the guy’s name.”

You could see the coffee shop in the distance and it made your stomach flip.

“I’ll tell you all about it once this is over. I’m almost there so I can’t chicken out now.”

Karen let out a soft laugh, but you knew she wasn’t laughing at you. Then you heard her murmur something to Frank in the background.

“I’ve gotta go help Frank with something. He said one of his buddies is calling him freaking out about something. Call me when you’re done?”

You promised her you would and then stopped on the corner close to the coffee shop. Once you were in there and this conversation was had, it would be over. One way or another, it would be over.

In the distance you saw Billy getting out of his car. He was on the phone so you took the moment to look him over. He looked good, even from this far away. His hair was styled and he was wearing a suit. Had he just come from work? You were so used to seeing him in jeans and a t-shirt or sweater.

Or those grey sweats. You weren’t proud of it but you had thought about them a lot.

He must have ended the call because he slid the phone into his pocket. Then he turned as if he was looking around. You knew the moment he saw you because it felt like he was physically touching you. Even from this distance, his eyes held a power over you that you couldn’t explain.

Except you could explain it now.

With a deep breath, you made it across the street and over to the coffee shop. The quicker you got through this, the quicker it would be done.

And you needed it to be done soon.

“Hey,” you said as soon as you stood in front of him.

He looked you up and down and you tried not to think about what he was looking at. Or what he was looking for. He jerked his head at the shop door and you gave him a nod before you followed him. He opened the door and held it open for you, his hand out as if he was going to guide you in with his hand on the small of your back.

Instead he dropped it to his side and turned to look away from you.

No one said it was going to be easy.

He led you into the coffee shop and up to the counter. You both ordered your drinks but when you pulled out your wallet, you saw that Billy had already handed over his card to pay for them. You tried to offer to pay him back, but he just jerked his head over towards the tables.

“Pick a table. I’ll bring your drink when it’s done.”

You hesitated only for a moment before you moved over to a table in the corner of the room. It was tucked far enough away that no one would be able to overhear you pouring your heart out. You stared down at the cracked and peeling polish on the wooden table until your drink was put down in front of you. Then Billy sat down in the seat across from you.

You needed to start the conversation, tell him the truth and get it out there before you went crazy, but you couldn’t find the words. Even all of the things you practiced on your walk over here seemed unable to come out as you stared at Billy’s hands as he prepared his coffee.

You remembered making coffee for him after his ruts. You knew how he liked to take it, how he didn’t care if it was too hot or not. The smell of coffee alone made you think of Billy.

After today, that would be doubly true.

“You said you wanted to explain,” Billy reminded you as he put his cup back down on the table.

First you pushed the paper bag you had next to your chair over towards his side of the table. It was the clothes he had given you to wear that day in his apartment. You had finally broken down and washed them, losing his scent as you did. And now they were tucked into the bag, folded neatly and carefully.

He just picked the bag up and dropped it beside his chair. Your hands shook as you reached out for your drink, but you didn’t take a sip.

“I’m going to tell you this but I want you to know that I’m not expecting anything from you regarding it. And that I don’t… I don’t want you to say anything until I get this all out because if I don’t do it at once, I don’t think I’ll be able to get it all out.”

Billy looked surprised and then concerned, but he nodded. You swallowed thickly before you began.

“From the first... first meeting, I thought something was different. I wasn’t sure why, but I couldn’t help… I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And it just got worse. I was also feeling… rundown a lot. Except when I was with you. I didn’t think anything about it at first but I found out why.” You swallowed again and curled your hands into fists. “Apparently you and I are True Mates.”

Jesus that was way past ripping off the bandaid. That felt more like you had tried to remove the bandaid with a grenade.

Billy blinked at you a few times, his face expressionless. Then he cleared his throat and leaned forward. You waited to see if he would speak, but he waved his hand as if to ask you to continue.

You had asked him to let you get it all out and he was letting you.

“Okay. So, there’s that. And then there’s… what you and I did at your place. I meant it when I said that… when I said that a companion can’t do that stuff, because we can’t. And I was really messed up about it because it goes against everything that I’ve been taught, but I also… god, I wanted it so bad. And that’s… it’s because of the True Mates, I guess, but it’s also... “

You weren’t sure you could say the words. Your face felt hot and you realized that you couldn’t see Billy anymore. You’d shut your eyes, but it wasn’t stopping the tears from starting to slip down your cheeks.

“It’s also because I love you. I fell in love with you, even without the True Mates bond, but because you’re… you’re so amazing and handsome and, just perfect, and I feel—felt more like myself with you. I felt like I could take on the world. And I knew that it wouldn’t work with us because you’re, well you’re you and I’m a companion, just… I sleep with Alphas in their ruts and you deserve better than that. So I needed to put distance between us or else I’d just… keep hurting. And I didn’t want to put you in that position.”

You took a deep breath and brushed the tears from your eyes before you looked at him. His neutral expression was still there, but his eyes were narrowed. It reminded you of the look in the car right before he told you to get out.

“That’s it, that’s everything. We’re apparently True Mates, I love you, and I know you don’t… you can’t see me like that. So I’m sorry for the way I handled things, but it’s over now. Now you know and I’m not your companion anymore so you can…”

You can find someone else for your ruts, you started to say, but you remembered what he had said when he had called you. He had called the center for his rut and had asked for you, despite saying he wouldn’t. He didn’t smell like his rut, so he must have called you after it was over.

He’d already slept with someone else. You weren’t sure why that hurt considering what your job had been, but the thought of him with someone else? His hands on their skin, his mouth on theirs? His scent on them?

You shot out of your seat, the legs scraping against the floor loudly. You wiped at your face again, unable to meet his eyes as you reached down to pick up the purse you had dropped.

“I’m so sorry Billy, but you won’t have to see me again. I’m so sorry.”

With that you hurried through the shop and to the door. Out in the open air, you took a few deep breaths to keep the panic away.

You’d been an idiot. Even though you went into this saying that you were just going to tell him the truth and let it be, you had apparently gone into it with some hope that it wouldn’t end that way. Some fantasy had crept in that Billy would hear all of this and declare that not only was he not mad, but that he loved you too.

You pressed your hand to your chest in an effort to calm your panicked breathing, but it wasn’t helping. You hunched down on the sidewalk, your hand on the brick of the building. People walked by without care as you shook and sobbed, unable to breathe.

Hands were on your face, a calm voice that asked you to breathe. You couldn’t, couldn’t even try, but the voice didn’t stop. It told you that it was okay, to breathe, to keep listening to it. You tried to focus, tried to… tried…

Something shifted in your chest. No, not your chest. You were shifted. You were pulled into someone’s arms and the world was moving, but you couldn’t tell what was up. There was so much light but everything was dark, it didn’t make sense. Then you were sitting, something soft under you.

Still the hands were there, on your face and on your arms. The voice kept up a steady stream of words until you could focus more on them.

“I’m right here, focus on my voice. Come on, breathe in for me baby, let it out. Keep doing that, you’re doing good.”

You blinked a few times to clear your vision, the tears stinging your eyes as they fell. Right around the time that your vision cleared up enough to realize that Billy was crouched down beside you, you also realized that you were surrounded by his scent. The scent of him penetrated the wall of haze in your head and suddenly you were clearer.

You’d had a panic attack, something you hadn’t had since high school. He must have carried you to his car because you were crumpled up in the passenger seat and he was kneeling outside with the door open, his hands on your face and brushing against your shoulders and arms. He was still talking, still guiding your breaths, but you were better.

And then you were horrendously embarrassed. After everything you’d already told Billy today, now he was helping you through a panic attack? How pathetic were you?

“Don’t say that,” he said sternly, cluing you into the fact that you’d said at least part of that out loud. “You’re not pathetic. Panic attacks can happen to anyone. How are you feeling?”

How were you feeling? Your chest hurt, your skin felt too tight, your stomach had relocated to your left heel, and you were pretty sure that you were dehydrated now.

“I’m okay,” you said with a shaky breath as you shifted in the seat. “I uh, I can go. I’m sorry, you didn’t have to–”

“Don’t apologize,” he said in a gruff voice as he stood up.

For what? There was so many things. You wiped at your face and then laughed as Billy held out his pocket square. You used it to wipe at your cheeks and eyes, glad that you hadn’t worn makeup to this meeting.

Your purse was on the floor next to your foot. You stared at it for a long moment as if you didn’t recognize it.

“I should go.”

Billy shook his head and looked down at you in the car. You grabbed your purse and stood up, but held on to the door for balance. When you tried to take a step away, Billy moved so that he could box you in.

“No, see you walked away from me already once today. You’re gonna hear what I have to say now.”

Your back rested against the frame of the car, your hands shaking as you stared into his eyes. You could only imagine what he had to say.

“When did you find out about the True Mates thing?”

You sniffled, but you were unable to look away from him.

“After… after the last time we saw each other. Someone had been raised by True Mates and she recognized the scent that was on me apparently.”

He nodded.

“And being True Mates, is that why… you feel the way you do?”

At least he hadn’t grimaced when he’d said the words, but the pause wasn’t especially favorable.

“No. Being True Mates just means our bodies are compatible. What we… what I feel, it’s all me.”

Billy nodded. Then he looked away. Without having him stare into your eyes, you felt yourself shake a bit. You hadn’t thought that he’d want to know more about it. You hadn’t thought he’d want to know anything except how to make it stop. At least he would only have to worry about the physical effects. You would be stuck loving him until you died.

When he met your eyes again, they weren’t expressionless. In fact there was so much emotion in his eyes that your breath was taken away. It reminded you of how he looked down at you when you were in bed, the moment after he came as he stared into your eyes. There was so much there that you almost staggered backwards except the car was there.

“Who gives you the right to tell me what I deserve? Who gives you the right to decide that you’re not good enough for me?”

You shook your head, unsure how to put words together right then. Billy stepped closer to you until you could feel the warmth from his body.

“Jesus Y/N, I’ve been in love with you since that second time I went to the center. I didn’t kiss you because I was horny, I kissed you because I wanted you. And I came back to you after that because I didn’t want anyone else.”

Were your feet still on the ground? You felt like you were floating. You reached up and pressed your hand to your chest where you could feel your heart pounding. Was this real? Or had you passed out during your panic attack and this was some kind of dream?

“I couldn’t even have someone else help me through my rut this last time. Once I found out you weren’t there anymore, I just locked myself in my apartment until it passed. I don’t want anyone else but you because I fucking love you.”

You sagged, tears in your eyes for a different reason.

“Please don’t… don’t just say that. Don’t say that because you want to hurt me, please,” you begged as your hands shook.

You barely had time to get the words out before lips were pressed to yours. Billy wrapped one hand around the back of your neck to keep you close and angle the kiss. Your hands were clenched in the lapels of his jacket as you returned the kiss with equal fervor.

“I don’t want to hurt you. I love you so much, I don’t ever want to hurt you again,” he promised against your lips as he held you closer.

You believed him. With his hands in your hair and your lips pressed together, him whispering the words over and over with as much honesty and urgency as he held in him, you believed him.

He loved you. And both of you were still very emotional over what had happened, but it was going to get better. The two of you together would get better.

------

“Oh shit,” you heard someone say from the living room.

You made your way that direction and then froze. Standing in the middle of your living room was Billy, Frank, and Karen. Karen looked surprised while Billy and Frank were laughing and… hugging?

“Why didn’t you tell me that your True Mate was Billy Russo? Jesus, that’s Frank’s best friend! He was at the official part of our mating ceremony.”

You looked among the three of them and started to laugh. Billy came over and wrapped his arm around your waist to hold you close, his lips brushing against your temple.

“More proof that it was meant to be,” he said before he leaned in to kiss you.

It definitely felt like that.

------

Pleasure rolled through your body as Billy licked up the length of your slit, his tongue circling around your clit over and over while you rolled your hips up into his face. His hands held your thighs open as he licked and sucked at you.

“Come on my Omega, I can feel that you’re close, come for me,” he said against your core, grinning when his words were enough to tip you over the edge. “Mm, tastes like sugar on my tongue.”

You swatted at his shoulder before you pulled him up and on top of you. He leaned over you and kissed you, the taste of yourself on his lips. You surged upwards against him, rubbing your aching pussy against his cock in desperation to get him inside you.

“C’mon Alpha, fuck me,” you begged as you scratched down his back.

He separated your thighs a little more before he took his cock in hand. After a few pumps, he put the head at your entrance and thrust inside easily. You swore and arched under him at the stretch, feeling so full and so good.

Then he started to thrust and you thought you were going to pass out.

He bent down and pressed his lips to the mated mark on your neck, running his tongue over the edge where his name was. Your hand reached up and pressed against the one he had on his neck, your thumb brushing over your name along the bottom.

“Mine,” he said with a smile as he gave another hard thrust, earning a moan from you. “And I’m yours.”

You nodded and surged up to kiss him, whining in his mouth as his thrusts became harder and faster. Without the scent of his rut or you mirroring him, the room was full of the scent of both of you. It smelled like lemongrass and eucalyptus, clean earthy smells that had followed you both around. And now you couldn’t even tell the difference in where your scent began and his ended.

If love had a scent, it would be this. You knew it deep in your bones.

You knew that whatever the world threw at the two of you, you would get through it together. You had been under Billy’s spell from day one, but now you knew he had been under your spell too. So much time had been wasted and the two of you had decided not to waste another moment.

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#billy russo #billy russo imagine #billy russo x reader #billy russo fanfic #my writing #redolence

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blackheart-skz · 5 years

Text

Ateez as Yanderes.

TW: Mentions of abusive behaviour, toxic relationships, violence, self-harm and other topics that might be triggering.

Note: I am, in no way, trying to romanticize or portray the persons involved as heroes. The behaviour of the characters is not healthy and extremely harmful. If you or someone you know sees such characteristics in someone, do not overlook it. Furthermore, this is a work of fiction. I am not trying to represent the idols through my writing.

Ahhh I'm actually not very good at doing reactions. I feel that for some of the members I did a sort of a mini scenario but then for others it's like a description oof. Hope it's not super bad.

Kim Hongjoong = Over-proctective

- Hongjoong's caring and protective personality was what made you like him and now the same personality makes you despise him

- Hongjoong does not trust you at all

- He thinks you're incapable of doing things without him

- He treats you like a porcelain doll that could easily break

- He has put a lot of restrictions on where you can go or what you can do

- He will not let you go anywhere without his permission or go somewhere without him

- He doesn't trust you with anyone

- People are evil and they could hurt his precious one

- He is very afraid of something bad happening to you

- If you even get a minor cut, he will freak out and will not even let you move

- You do not have the freedom to do anything

- If you ever say that you want to leave him, he will lock you up

- He thinks that you're not mentally strong enough to know what's good for you

- And that's what drives him become your guardian and imprison you in your own house

Park Seonghwa = Dominant/Narcissistic

- Seonghwa has a huge ego

- Rejection is one thing he never accepts

- He expects everyone to worship him and you're no exception

- You wouldn't have been forcibly taken away and chained in his basement had you not uttered the word "no" to his face

- If you do anything that he even feels was disrespectful or if you try to leave him, he will severely punish you

- He sees inflicting pain and other severe punishment methods a way to mold you into his perfect slave

- You have to be really careful to not displease him cuz his anger is unpredictable

- He will reward you if you're obedient at all times

- He also makes sure he is the only person you invest your time and effort in

- He is your master and your life should revolve around him and him only

Jeong Yunho = Jealous/Overly-sensitive

- Yunho started off as the best man ever but then as time passed, the good in him started fading away.

- He started getting jealous a bit too often

- And now it's a daily occurence

- He does not trust you one bit

- He downloaded a tracking app on your phone so that he can keep track of where you go

- You talking to any guy or girl makes him go absolutely nuts

- he threatens people behind your back

- He also twists your words a lot which is rooted from his lack of trust as well

- He thinks that everything you say has a hidden implication behind it

- Like seonghwa, he wants your life to be about him

- He doesn't like you giving attention to anyone else be it a person or a hobby

- So if you want to talk to your mom or write a bunch of poems as a hobby, too bad.

Kang Yeosang = Sadistic/Cruel

- Yeosang was very good at hiding his sadistic side when he first met you.

- He used his charming looks and soothing voice to make you fall in love with him

- Once that happened and you entered into a relationship with him, his true colours started showing

- He slowly started getting both physically and emotionally abusive

- His initial reason was to keep you with him but eventually he started enjoying it

- As much as he loves you, seeing you helpless and at his mercy pleasures him to no end

- He prefers using physical punishments over emotional anytime you disobey him

- He loves seeing you break piece by piece

- But he also likes peppering you with kisses and telling you how gorgeous you are

- which makes him even more scarier

- Trying to leave him is not a smart idea at all

- You try to run away and he breaks your legs

- He will never hesitate to use excruciatingly painful methods to keep you from leaving

Choi San = Manipulative

- Just like Yunho, at first, he treated you like a king/queen

- But then slowly he started becoming a bit too obsessive and wanted to be with you 24/7 and know everything that you did

- He wants to know every single detail of your life

- If you ever try to reject him, he starts guilt tripping you

- He says that you're ungrateful for all the things that he does for you

- Afterall, he did treat you like no one else in the beginning

- Your family and friends slowly start cutting ties from you

- You don't know why but San knows very well

- If you find him being too burdensome and call out his behaviour, he blames it on you instead

- He targets your weaknesses to justify his behaviour and make you feel guilty

- No matter what, he never admits that he's wrong

- If you try to blame him, he starts playing victim

- He makes himself seem so pitiful that you can't help but feel guilty

- If you ever try to leave him, he would threaten to kill himself

- He will make you feel like you're the bad one in the relationship

- And you'll not have anyone to go to either so it's a win for him

Song Mingi = The clingy/stalker type

- Mingi was absolutely mesmerized by your beauty when he saw you for the first time

- He wanted to talk to you but he didn't have the courage to so he just start following you around and keeping track of every move you made

- He found out everything about you from what school you went to to what your pet peeve was before he made a move

- It took him a year worth of courage to eventually talk to you and of course considering how much he knew about you, he also knew what he had to do in order to make you fall for him

- And it worked

- Once that happened, Mingi stuck to you like gum

- Now, he does not leave your side for even a minute

- He wants to be with you 24/7 and sends you over a 100 texts everyday

- If you try to leave him for even a second he'll throw a tantrum and cling on to you to you like a koala

- Has become too dependent on you and you would actually believe him if he says that he would die without you

- coming back to him biting his nails to the point that his fingers were bloody and him literally jumping on you when after you left him alone for not even 3 hours is enough proof for you to believe him

- He has never and never will hurt you but he wont hesitate to hurt others

- He hasn't yet but he surely will if you don't take his threats seriously

Jung Wooyoung = Delusional

- A very dangerous yandere

- but more than that a pitiful yandere

- He isn't able interpret your words or read your emotions

- He mistook your gesture of kindness as an invitation for love

- After helping him once, you started seeing him around a bit too often

- He started talking to you as if you guys were close friends

- You ignored him but he never stopped

- After a while, he started treating you like his girlfriend/boyfriend though you barely knew him

- At that point you realized that this wasn't normal and you needed to do something

- You told you friends and were planning to contact the police

- Wooyoung started noticing how people looked at him weirdly and he thougjt its cuz they were jealous of your "relationship" and want you guys to break up

- You had come to the final decision to report him but before you could, he kidnaped you and locked you up in his house claiming that he's trying to "protect" your relationship

- The more you try to push him away, the closer got

- Be it physically or emotionally

- None of your attempts to snap him out of his imaginary work

- His imagination is too far gone for him to come back

Choi Jongho = The selfish/violent type

- A bit of what you would call a spoiled brat

- A lot actually

- What he wants, he gets

- Even if that means hurting others in the process

- He's a selfish man and he isn't scared to acknowledge that

- Kinda like Seonghwa but not quite

-Unlike him, Jongho is aware of what he's doing

- Seonghwa's ego leads him but Jongho leads his ego

- Jongho doesnt hesitate to get violent either

- You disobey him, he punishes you

- But the fact that he remains calm both before the punishment and after shows that he isn't actually bothered by your behaviour

- He just likes the power he has over you

- To him it doesn't matter if you love him or not, you're something that he admires therefore he has to have you

- No matter what you do, his heart will never go soft and even if it does, it will only be to an extent where he let's you breathe freely

#yandere ateez #yandere kpop #yandere hongjoong #yandere san #yandere seonghwa #yandere mingi #yandere yunho #yandere jongho #yandere wooyoung #yandere yeosang

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psychomoxxie · 4 years

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Don’t Say You Love Me (Falling For A Psycho Girl)

So if you read the last post, you know i’m just dragging myself by the teeth and unkempt nails out of the dumpster fire that is my so-called “heart”;

I.e., yet another relationship bit the dust. The first one in 4 years. It was new, but i fell hard, because he was different and not an abusive fuck, was super-sweet, and had the brain-cooties too (not like mine, but still), so i could relate to him on a deeper level than most. But turns out, he’s already into someone else, if his FaceBook memes are any indication (which they almost certainly are), which makes me feel incredibly stupid and naive that i didn’t see it coming. He was probably talking to this girl romantically before things ended with us. Which puts things in a whole new light.

That light being — i am, and i reiterate, incredibly stupid and naive.

Which brings me to the next bit.

The very next day after things imploded in my face with this guy, a friend – a male friend – talked to me for three hours on the phone to cheer me up, make me feel better about my stupid little heart; and after we hung up, he messages me to confess to me that he’s in love with me.

Here’s the thing. It’s not that I don’t “love” this guy friend. In as much as I can feel love for him or anybody else. That sort of thing is reserved for a very small pool of people, and I’m not very good at it. Ask anyone who knows me, and they’ll tell you. I will disappear off the face of the earth for weeks at a time, and expect you to be ok with that. I have a hard time being emotionally available for most people.

My capacity for being In Love with a capital “L” is severely limited, and probably not defined in the way most people think of the word. I’ve experienced real, actual, true Being In Love probably twice in my life. Where it hit me hard, and i was both viscerally and emotionally affected by it, and wanted to put that person’s needs before my own and all that sort of thing, where i felt that gut-wrenching emotion when it ended for whatever reason. Where i felt emotions that had to do with THEM, and not just ME. Not just the selfishness of “romantic love”, which mostly has to do with how that person makes you feel, and less to do with the actual person. But when I did feel it, I felt it all the way. And crawling out of it is certainly no easy feat. In fact, I still love my first True Love — but he died many years ago, so there’s not much I can do about that.

I’ve certainly developed feelings, even felt love for a couple people I’ve dated — which evolved into true friendships, which I consider to be a type of love that’s different from being In Love, though still very worthy and much more likely to occur in a person’s life multiple times. Those instances of love are the people that i still speak to, despite whatever pain it cost to get us here, because we still actually had a real connection after the romantic bit ended. (The guy in the photo being one of those).

Of course, the question is, was it genuine Love ™ i felt for the Guy I Fell For if it wasn’t actually reciprocated? If he’s already moved on to someone else, then clearly it was one-sided on my part since i still have feelings, and he clearly does not.

I don’t know. The thing is, I can’t transfer my feelings from one person to the other so quickly. Or at all. Because for me, I rarely feel them to begin with.

Oh, in the past i’ve felt serious infatuation. When i was younger and unmedicated, i was capable of obsessive infatuation. Of course that ended when that person’s flaws came to the light, or they disappointed me. I see this one’s flaws quite clearly and still have the feelings. I hate it, but there it is. Maybe that’s the problem. For him, it was just infatuation.

Part of the problem of being a Psycho bitch — like, literally, I have ASPD (Anti-Social Personality Disorder, my secondary diagnosis, and it’s not severe, but it’s significant enough to be problematic. This is the first time I’ve talked about it, because the stigma surrounding it is so fucked up) — is that it’s not easy for me to connect with other people. Not in any genuine way. It’s considered to be, in my and many cases, the result of certain childhood experiences. It’s a fairly common reason for this fairly uncommon disorder. A protection that the brain constructs as a result of physical and psychological trauma. I recognize it, and i try to work on it. It’s not easy.

Here’s where the Mental Illness Education Bit comes in, folks. Because yeah, we’re doing that now. ASPD is a relatively new diagnosis – or rather, TERM for a diagnosis (in general, and also for Yours Truly), and it’s often interchanged with Sociopathy, which is often interchanged with Psychopathy. It’s not a Mental Illness, per se, but a Personality Disorder. Which might be wrong, for me, since it’s co-morbid with Schizoaffective Disorder which has some symptoms in common, and they gave me my ASPD diagnosis several years ago for what they thought previously was Bipolar – which is fairly obviously not my problem. I don’t have mood swings, per se, but i do have impulsivity, and lack of empathy, and other things that jive with the ASPD diagnosis. Apparently, my being slightly Sociopathic makes more sense. Honestly, i sometimes think they just liked slapping the label on a woman because it’s so rare.

On the other hand, it does kind of fit, if i’m going to be honest. I’m very good at the whole social mask thing. And i don’t feel things normally – haven’t ever, really.

I’ve never murdered anyone (yet), but i will certainly admit to having a lack of conscience or empathy where many things are concerned. Or, perhaps just a lack of emotion in general. My psychiatrists say it’s due to severe PTSD and trauma. As is true for many people with the disorder, as i mentioned.

The misapprehension people have, however, is that people with the disorder NEVER connect, or are incapable of it. This isn’t true. When we do connect, it’s definitely genuine and deep. We just don’t do it with many people at all. Mainly this is because we’re basically self-centered and pretty selfish. And not very “nice”. We have to work at it. We aren’t “empaths” or any of that new age crap. We don’t connect with the outside world very easily, or well. We can be manipulative. And in some cases, fairly narcissistic. Definitely overly-logical when being emotionally sympathetic is clearly called for.

But every once in a while, i really connect with somebody. And when that happens, it’s really not easy to let go. But when i finally decide it’s time that i do, it’s like that person never existed. It’s very black and white. Again, a protective thing my brain does, i suppose.

And God knows what I did to fuck things up with The Guy I Fell For, because that’s just it — i will do things out of my inability to be empathetic sometimes. Or patient. People will tell me that I’m sweet and kind, but really I admire those qualities in others, and try very hard to emulate them. I think I have those qualities in me sometimes, but I have to work at them. The very few people I do love bring them out in me. But even so, I fuck it up. Often. I didn’t have anything to model it after growing up, you see. So my version of compassion and normal love and affection looks rather like Helen Keller’s version of trying to describe the color blue, I rather suspect, sometimes.

But, i digress.

So, this friend – we’ll call him The Limey (because oddly enough, he’s also living way the fuck in another country) confesses his love for me, and i realize off the bat that my emotional response is all wrong. The wheels in my head are turning in all the wrong directions. It’s a welcome distraction, and an ego boost, and i latch onto it like a drowning woman for about a day. In some ways, he’s a perfect match for me. We’re good friends. He’s single, a talented musician, whipsmart, witty, kind of an asshole in all the right ways; he’s willing to come right out and tell me how he feels. He’s incredibly attractive, and sexy as Hell. He wants me to leave the damn country with him, for fuck’s sake. All the things i so desperately want. And, yes, i do like him, a lot.

But do i Love ™ him? No. Which comes into stark relief when he pisses me off by being a jerk to one of my friends – someone i do love (not romantically, but definitely love) and my first reaction is FUCK this Limey. I don’t even give him the benefit of the doubt.

My emotions are so shut down at this point that i can’t even conceive of giving the Limey a chance. Him, or anyone else for that matter. Because i’m done. I’m done connecting with people for a good while. I have the very few people in my little Universe of Discourse, and that’s all i need.

Clearly, the point here is that i’m damaged, but i’ve always been. I don’t think it means i need “help”, and i certainly am not asking for sympathy. I’m perfectly aware that i am fucked up. In fact, on one level, i’m happy to know that i’m still capable of falling for someone, as misguided as it may have been, and as hurt as i am from the way it all ended. It shows me that i do, in fact, still have a soul. That i’m capable of actually feeling something real, as opposed to my usual screwing around with abusive men — which is not love, but some weird head game i put myself through out of some need to torture myself.

Soooo, this post digressed wildly.

The point IS, i was flattered and moved by this friend’s declaration of love for about 48 hours before he pulled some crap that made me want to beat him over the head with a tire iron, and then i responded in my usual unsympathetic and offhand fashion because that is my default.

I’m fairly convinced at this point that i should just avoid romance altogether. I’m obviously bad at it, i pick the absolute wrong person nearly every single time, and then wonder why i’m miserable. Then i spend the next 3-4 years perfectly happy all by myself, which is just long enough to forget how miserable relationships make me. Rinse, repeat.

Plus there’s that whole thing where i have to explain that i’ve got the Brain Cooties…or Brain Worms (thanks, Jay, for that new term), which is never a fun conversation; like, “No, dear, i’m not going to knife you in your sleep, and no, i don’t hear voices telling me to roast your spleen with a nice Chianti. At least, not usually. NO, BABE. THAT WAS A JOKE…”

I just…i can’t.

If i end up like one of those old ladies with her cats living with her female roommate in the boondocks collecting furballs and molding them into puppets and selling them on Etsy, then so be it. Right now, it seems like the sane choice.

*photo of me and The Samurai – dear friend and fellow artist

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number9robotic · 5 years

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9-24-19 Update

The long-awaited sequel to my 9-22-19 Update!

(plugging my newest pic as an artist tax)

Short version: I’m in physical danger right now.

Long version: My relationship with my parents are breaking down significantly because changes to plans of my living situation, my inability to cope with my depression, anxiety, and other mental/emotional compromises, and the resulting inability to do anything outside my comfort zone like finding a proper job/source of income or going to school.

As a result, my mom over the course of a few days have been physically threatening me (in public, no less) to send me back to my home in Vancouver while also shaming me for ruining their lives, and I feel legitimately unsafe being in my own home because I don’t know what they’re gonna do to me. All while this happens, my ability to stay motivated as a creator is really being tested.

Fuller version is below this line because I don’t wanna flood the feed and my account with walls of unpleasant text:

Please read my 9-22-19 Update for full context and backstory, there’s a lot of text and I don’t wanna retype it all.

1. THE REAL-LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES GOT WORSE

Yesterday as I was in my weekly therapy appointment, my parents had a renegotiation with each other about that plan I mentioned for my dad to come here and basically repeat the process of my legal anchoring to LA away from my home in Vancouver. Even though I responded with a (resigned) “sure, I’ll do it for you,” suddenly my dad made a conscience decision and told my mom that he changed his mind, because he’s really concerned about my mental well-being and the complete stagnation of my life because of my time here in LA.

This... didn’t go well with my mom, because as usual, this is ultimately about her, I guess. Later that evening, she took me to a Starbucks because she wanted to talk with me about something important, partially as a result of her indeed getting her travel permit document that day. She told me she also talked to her lawyer earlier that day, who said that as it stands, while the case isn’t expected to be finished until April 2020 at the earliest, I’ve technically done all I need to do to be declared a resident of the US, and my job is effectively done. Combined with my dad’s newfound desire to not keep me here any longer, I was told that I could return home.

buuuuuuuuuuuut

She was VERY clearly not happy about this. Despite being the one who decided to talk about this publicly, she had a very loud meltdown as she was explaining this and decided to erupt all of her frustrations not just with herself, but also of me.

To summarize her very long and confusing tirade, she started to outright force at me “JUST GO BACK TO VANCOUVER! GET A TICKET AND MOVE BACK TOMORROW! JUST GO!!!!”, yet was simultaneously also venting about how much damage this would do to HER and her career; that my lack of presence is a sign of failure on her part as a parent, because she hasn’t been able to get me to go to school or a “real” job or even learn how to drive. Keep this one little bit of info in mind.

A third argument she was trying to convince me of is that the return to Vancouver for me is only going to fuck ME up, because she doesn’t believe that me returning back to a comfortable place where I’m familiar with and am actually able to get around using public transit (which is so much better than LA, it’s not even a fair comparison) would be better for me and my personal health. She also said that Vancouver’s ability to help me with my mental health is so much worse than that of LA... which... that’s incredibly laughable on so many levels, the least of which is the fact that we spent a several-month assessment process to apply for job assistance because of my autism, only for the result to me to deem me and my autism diagnosis as invalid, but whatever, I guess...

I responded by telling how incredibly irrational she was acting in her hysterical state (again, in a very public area) with her a bunch about what I felt would help me through this, which I’ll talk about later. Reason not now is because she promptly forgot about it and this morning, SHE DID THE SAME THING AGAIN. This time she invited me to talk at a different Starbucks, asked me about my future, and then had ANOTHER very public meltdown screaming about her and my life problems, but this time it was at a time before McDonald’s stopped serving its breakfast menu.

Once again, she slammed me in my inability/refusal to try anything that would apparently help justify me being here in LA, me ruining her life no matter where I go in the world, and also threatening to send me away to Vancouver. This time I just had to outright leave the conversation because she was getting violent this time; I’m currently typing this in a library and she hasn’t found me yet. This isn’t an entirely new feeling, but currently I am legitimately scared for my future and physical safety.

2. EMOTIONAL HEALTH AND PARENTING

I (re-)explained to her that my problem with all of these personal development hurdles -- my inability to try anything where it feels like the failure of which will be utterly emotionally devastating -- is because I flat-out do not have the ability to deal with it. The entirety of grade school and post-secondary have collectively been the most emotionally devastating times of my life to me, I failed my written exam that’s the first step to get a driver’s licence 5 TIMES, and I have a smattering of emotional, communicative, mental, and physical hinderances preventing me from finding work.

And here’s why that affects me so much: my parents are not emotionally supportive. Mom and dad have outright admitted that due to “Chinese parenting”, “it’s just not my personality”, “I don’t know how to help reassure you” they don’t wish to help me with my emotional problems directly, often times finding it to be the job of others they can then shunt that duty off to, such as therapists, psychologists, counselors, or others. This ignores the fact that my meetings with them are weekly, whereas my greatest exposure to other people come from them, my supposed “loved ones”. I feel like I should be able to go to them for emotional strength. I do not, either because they aren’t capable of or just simply don’t want to be that.

Just to note how little they care about my feelings, I came out to them as nonbinary a few months ago, explained to them what that actually means, that I don’t like my pronouns or birth name at all, and asked for them to respect that. They have yet to comply despite me broadcasting my discomfort constantly, because they simply won’t “get it”.

Yknow... as someone who’s failed a lot in life... I can safely say that the resulting emotional wreckage isn’t fun.

The thing about being emotionally wrecked is that without any reliable source to go to like family or friends, my only solution is to just wait for my depression to pass... which if anyone knows anything about it, you’d know it’s super-unreliable and can take either a week or a month for me to feel better again, and is incredibly destructive. What I’ve recently realized is how much it utterly fucks with my perception of time and continuity -- depression cuts off my ability to feel anything significant or optimistic, including my ability to perceive a future worth looking up to. As a result, I feel like I’ve wasted A LOT of time in the last few years because nobody has been able to help me with that, at least in my actual time of need.

I’ve made this point to my parents many times throughout the year, and I’ve been desperately trying to communicate to them that the easiest solution to my mental trauma? To actually be there emotionally as loved ones; to help me through that potential sense of failure that I’m so afraid of experiencing again, and for them to comfort me as their child.

This request has pissed off my mom on multiple levels: the first I established already is that she’s constantly claiming she doesn’t know how to/isn’t capable of doing it because “it’s just not me” or “I’m not white mom” or some other crap. The second however is where things got super-confusing: she was also offended that I would ever think that she doesn’t support me on that level, and shared me a bunch of wechats to our extended family supporting my minor hobbies, even though they’ve been sucking really bad (again, please consider my patreon, this is a super-hard time to be motivated as a creator)

So I was like... “You ARE capable of being emotionally reassuring! I want to actually hear it myself!” because she almost never expresses positive emotions; it’s either complete ambivalence or negative frustration. She continued to express negative frustration at this, and at that point I just gave up because at this point it struck me that she just outright doesn’t want to help me with it because she felt like she can shunt the duty to someone else... even though she’s pissed about having to pay them therapy bills to do so. Ugh...

3. EVERYTHING BITES

To summarize: this entire breakdown and my future is emotionally fueled not about my needs like my dad wished, but about my mom’s, who believes that it is far more simple for me to be sent back to Vancouver at her blatant behest, and for me to just “get over” my depression and anxiety to do all the shit she expects me to do which she also believes me to be incapable of doing, than to just... be a caring parent who expresses positive feelings.

And during all of this, she’s also shaming me as a failure who ruins her life no matter what I do.

I am... so exhausted... and it’s super-difficult to stay motivated as a creator these days as a result of it. Fuck, I barely feel safe returning home either in LA or in Vancouver, because I know my mom hates me for it.

I still don’t have friends, and I still have depression and anxiety... and I can’t even ask my mom to be there for me in my time of emotional distress... thanks.

#vent #art #artist #need help #artists on tumblr

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mayadidntsignupforthis-blog · 5 years

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When The Village Wants to be There.

I like to think that when someone I know is in need, I am one of the first to get up and support them. Whether its through a conversation, just sitting there and listening, referring on to someone else or physically holding them until they feel better, I try and do what I can. Sometimes I will see something that tells me the person I know isn’t ok. For my friends who are reading this, I see you and I see when somethings wrong, stop trying to tell me otherwise. Other times people reach out. Knowing that I work in suicide prevention and mental health (despite not being a counselor or crisis supporter). On so many levels, I feel blessed to be the person I am. To be trusted by those around me for them to share their story, their pain and reach out for help. I feel privileged to know that I am helping them on their journey to better mental health and a better quality of life. While at times, yes I get tired and I need to set my boundaries, it is still such an honour to be there for you.

What I grapple with however is why it has been so hard for me to reach out for help and to receive it when I am in need. Although admittedly, I have recenlty changed my tune and would like to share what I have learnt in the hope that it will encourage others to think of things a little differently.

The last couple of months have been particularly challenging for me. My seemingly perfect relationship ended, my children and I needed to find a place to stay and at 32 I have had to rebuild my life for the 3rd time finding myself feeling alone. It’s taken me a while to get my head around that. In fact, this is the first time I have been able to openly communicate it without getting upset but that has been my last 2 months.

What has made the 3rd time so different however is that for the first time, I have swallowed my misplaced pride and accepted the help that has been offered to me from the most unlikely of places. Even the ex-husband (who I have a volatile relationship with to say the least) has helped!!

In the past, I feel that I have been a very proud independent person. Someone who hated the thought of ever relying on anyone for anything. I had to pay my own way and build my own life. I would fight my own demons and I will win. It made my journey harder and I rarely won – if anything it made things worse! I felt a little embarrassed accepting help from anyone and it made me feel weak and incapable in doing so. I made my life harder when really all I had to do was shift how I thought about all of this.

This time however, I’m tired. I’m tired emotionally and mentally. I probably could get up on my feet alone but I saw how long it took me last time. Do I want to battle this for that long again? Is it even worth it? Its my 3rd f*cking time! No I don’t want to be in this space for months on end.

This time, when a hand has been extended, I have made the decision to reach for that hand and it has helped me that little bit more to get myself back together.

My parents of course have been there every step of the way and I cannot thank them enough for giving us a roof over our heads and all the burek we can eat until we found our own place. They still pick the kids up, cook for us sometimes and do a bunch of other things I won’t get into. While a lot of it isn’t necessary, it has helped so much.

My friends, they have helped me with the house and offered to help us move in. Others have listened to me cry and rant and try to rationalise the ugly feelings that I have had to the point help me move on. Others have given me space which I so very much needed knowing I can turn to them whenever I am ready. I have seen your help and I have taken it and I’m grateful.

When I raised how grateful I am for the support I have received, my beautiful friend Nicole pointed out to me that “we have always been there, you’ve just never needed us before”. I read that and it touched my heart. Almost made me feel silly for not calling on the help around me sooner!!!

Now, where I used to feel embarrassed to ask for help, I now feel humbled at how much love and support is around me. When I once felt too proud to ask for support, I am proud that I have reached out and not taken the most recent path of my journey on my own. Where I felt weak, that has been replaced with a strength that I have found sooner than the first 2 times I had to rebuild. When I felt vulnerable, I now feel safe that I am not alone and I never have to feel alone again.

There is a strength that can be found when you feel that there is nothing more you can lose – when you have nothing more to lose you have everything to gain. Yes, I have lost a lot in the last few months but I have regained a little more of myself and I have seen how good I am at choosing friends and keeping important people around me.

I encourage everyone who has not felt “right” or who has lost or been a dark place to please not push away the people who are trying to help you. Let them pick you up and dust you off. While I’m sure you can do it on your own, its much quicker and more powerful when your village helps you, the same way you would help any one of them when they need it. If you feel you can’t reach out to those close to you, try Lifeline (13 11 14) or Beyond Blue (1300 22 46 36). Either way, you don’t need to be alone.

To that, I would like to end with my favourite quote, one that in the context of this piece seems a lot less tiring and a lot more possible…

#itsoktonotbeok #reachout #love village support

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fallxnprxnce · 6 years

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How affected would Nuada be if his sister Nuala had the iron malady. Also if that happened, how do you think that would affect Nuada's plans through out the film? You got this! Continue working hard online and offline and I'm sure things will work out! Have a frabjous day!

Okay first of all I just want to saythat you get 1,000 positive karma points for even mentioning my own fictionalillness that I came up with in your ask? Like wut? Thank you for payingattention and even caring about my little brain children? You’re awesome? =)

And again, sorry for this taking a ridiculousamount of time for me to finally answer, but I wanted to really give it somethought and not just write a tiny thing. Today is the first day I’ve had bothtime and motivation to write in like a week.

Also omg, I am trying to muddlethrough these last couple months of work but both my jobs are kicking my assright now. Mid-May, they both will end, and then I’m off until the end of June,so I just need to make it that far, heh.

Now let’s get down to business. XD

If you are reading this and you’re newto this blog or you just haven’t ever heard anything about the Iron Malady, it’s a fictional illness Icreated for one of my literary worlds. I made it more to deal with theissue of high or forest type elves being taken as prisoners of war by humans orsubterranean elves and placed in cells, or to deal with how they feel when theyare very far from home, away from their home forest, not in a forest, or areotherwise around a lot of human technology and civilization. Building on the common headcanon in a numberof fandoms that elves’ emotions are so potent as to have the ability to directlyaffect their longterm mental and physical health, the Iron Malady is an illnessthat arises from the intense feeling of hopelessness or dread that all thatthey have known is lost, that they will never see their home again, or that theworld is changing around them too fast for them to handle. A feeling of beingleft behind, becoming obsolete, or “homesick” for times and places they feelthey can never recapture. That’s a veryquick and general synopsis, but for those who wish to read more, I will directyou to this post where I describe itin more detail, discuss symptoms and stages of disease progression, and discussremedies to ease suffering and/or cure it.

So… how Nuada would react to Nualagetting the Iron Malady would depend upon whether their soul bond would conferthe illness onto him as well. I feellike if she was laid up with the Iron Malady, Nuada would be too, or at leasthe wouldn’t be far behind her. This is for two reasons: 1) they are physicallylinked, so all physical symptoms would be experienced by Nuada in real-time, 2)he would feel her emotions through the bonds, and the very definition of theIron Malady is that it’s brought about by intense feelings of sadness, grief,and hopelessness… which I think would massively affect him, and 3) just knowingshe had that illness would devastate him because I headcanon that that’s whatthe twins’ mother died of, and also just because he would know if Nuala hasthat illness that she must be suffering very badly emotionally. So my veryshort answer would be that he would become ill too, and without anyone to takecare of him, he would die, so both twins would die. If he returned to hispeople and got help, he could be in recovery for weeks if not months, so allother plans of his would be delayed by that amount of time.

Of course, having said all of that,that even assumes Nuala can get theIron Malady, which I believe she can’t. It begins as an emotional illness, afeeling of intense dread, grief,sadness, etc., and Nuala seems incapable of that sort of emotion. (Disclaimer: Iwill insert at this time for those of you who were just like whaaaaaat? at thatstatement that I am not a fan of Nuala and I tend to have very harsh andpessimistic views of her. If you like her, I do not mean any insult and you arefree to love her if you want. Just take what I say within the context that Ihave a rather low opinions of her as a person haha.) I am not certain exactly the reason why she has a flat affect most ofthe time with regard to the fate of her people, but it has to be one of thesethree:

1) She doesn’t care. It could be possible that Nuala really just doesn’t care whether elves fade or not.If I wanted to be really mean and wallow in my pessimistic views of her, Imight want to say this, but I actually believe this is the least probable causeof her apparent apathy.

2) She can’tcare. It could be, and I think this isentirely likely, that Nuala has just been alive long enough, has seen enoughsuffering, has felt enough pain, and has pondered this subject long enough thateverything has… well… kinda… broken her brain a bit, heh. Not to say she’scrazy or anything, she’s not. But just in the sense of… sometimes you feel somuch that you redline and end up not emoting at all? Does that make sense toyou all? Like if everyone is pushing and trying to get through a doorway but theyall get jammed, then nobody gets through. What if her mind is the door and heremotions are the people pushing to get through? If she could emote, it would bevolatile and explosive, just like Nuada, but she can’t anymore.

3) She’s too wise to care. This sounds nasty, but it really isn’t. Truewisdom is seeing the big picture. It’s stepping outside of yourself, yoursituation, away from material things, away from trivial everyday things, andseeing the grander scheme of everything. Often times when one reaches truewisdom or enlightenment or whatever you want to call it, it involves not onlyan understanding of the greater picture and a detachment from personal desires,but also patience and compassion for others. This results in an enlightenedperson viewing strife and war and suffering as if they are watching TV. Notthat it isn’t real, not in that sense… but as if they are outside lookingin. They don’t place themselves in the situation or empathize, but rather theypractice patient compassion. What’s the difference? Empathy is when I identifywith what you’re going through because I’ve been through it myself or Iunderstand what it must be making you feel, and that makes me either sad foryou or really want to help you. I become personally emotionally involved inyour suffering. Patient compassion is very calmly looking at someone who issuffering and saying, this is difficult for you but you will get through it,and I understand that until you do, you will be upset and not yourself. It’sattributing all suffering to want, desire, and a lack of getting what you wantas far as the material here and now. It’s looking at someone who is in a rageand very calmly saying, I understand that this angers you, and I recognize thatyou are not wise enough to know that this too shall pass. I understand that itwill take time for you to work through this, and that until then, you may beunfit to live with.

I think it is very likely that Nualahas this very serene, wise, enlightened way of looking at the world. It rendersher not really able to get overly excited about much, because to be excited,upset, angry, etc., you have to be invested emotionally. She is an observer,watching life but not overly participating in it except in a few ways she feelsfurthers or maintains the greater good. Nuada and Nuala truly are yin and yang,for she is temperance, patience, understanding, and long-term, and Nuada isvolatility, impulsiveness, intolerance, and short-term. But I feel that that’sbecause Nuada never removed himself from the emotional equation. He’s allowedhimself to feel centuries of injustice, death, loss, and degradation of hispeople, and that has done very damaging things to his mind. Nuala may seem likea whole and better person on the surface, but that is because she has declinedto become emotionally invested in her people’s struggle, which I find shameful.But… it would protect her from falling victim to the Iron Malady.

Alright, SO… Now that we’ve gottenthat out of the way, IF… Nuada did not immediately come down with the IronMalady just by association with Nuala and IF… Nuala was actually capable offalling into the emotional valley that gives rise to the illness… now what?

In the HellboyII universe, I say the Iron Malady arose in elves who feared that their wayof life was falling apart, that it would fall apart forever, and that theywould fade. That despairover their situation of having to live underground, or seeing the humansoverpopulate and all of that, gave rise to this wasting illness that, even whenproperly treated, some simply do not recover from. Nuala and Nuada’s mother wasa kind, loving, and gentle soul, but she was also a fragile one, and she wasnot able to recover. Nuala… I believe would recover with the proper treatment,but that’s anybody’s guess. But even if we’re going to say that Nuada wasn’tphysically affected by the illness, he would still be aware that she had it.Actually, you could argue that he might be able to stop if before it happens,if he really wanted to, because he would be able to sense her emotionally goingdown that path long before it manifests itself in illness. He’s used to beingshunned and shut out by his sister, but if he felt real sadness from her? Ifshe reached out to him for help? You can bet your ass he’d be there for her.

So… I do not ship Nuala and Nuadaromantically or sexually. Yes, I know it’s canon. Yes, I don’t care. XD Butjust because my Nuada isn’t in lovewith Nuala does not mean he doesn’t love her. He loves her like a sister,certainly, and like anyone bonded to someone by their soul for the whole of his life would be. Nuada and Nuala do not have a traditional sense of self because of thisbond. They may exist apart from each other, but never knowing anythingother than feeling each other’s joy, pain, illness, sadness, happiness, wounds,etc. as their own… makes for a bondthat really can’t have any clear labels. That’s part of the reason why Nuada isso angry with and resentful of Nuala, because shunning him is like shunning apart of herself and like denying him a part of himself. It’s as if Nuada was awart on her finger and she decided to, quite literally, cut him off. But…having said that… because of the nature of this bond and Nuada’s own very openand emotional nature, there is no way for him to cut her off completely. So if she came down with something like theIron Malady, all bets would be off at that point. Fights wouldn’t matter.Differences wouldn’t matter. Insults, slights, grudges, bones to pick, none ofthat would matter to him anymore. All that would matter is being there for herand seeing her get well again. He’d worry about the rest later.

His plans for the humans would absolutely takea back seat to being there for his sister.He would return to the “palace,” assuming this is happening before he killsBalor, and would stay there with his sister until she was well again, and basicallywould not accept no for an answer. It isn’t like he would forget about what hewanted to do as far as assembling the crown, gaining the Golden Army, or exterminatinghumans, but rather his sister’s life and well-being would supersede all of thatin his mind. I can’t say that he would be surprised necessarily if she was toget the Iron Malady, but it would only strengthen his anger for humans. He’s alreadypissed off that they killed his mother, the way he sees it, but now his sisteris ill? Hell no.

Also, on a very basic and selfishsense, he would realize that if he doesn’tmake sure Nuala is cared for in a suitable manner and she dies, he would diealong with her. So if he ever intends on going through with his plan, heneeds to make sure he’s alive to do it. I can see this creating an even widerrift between Nuada and Balor, simply because he resents his father for hismother’s death. He feels he did nothing to save her, or at the very least, didnot provide her with enough support in life to prevent the illness fromhappening. Nuada would make sure the same thing doesn’t happen with Nuala.

He would make sure that Nuala was notjust feeling better but had been feeling better for some time before herevisited his plan again. This isn’t like a… take two Advil and call me in themorning sort of illness, heh. It takes weeks or months for a person to recover,and even after they do, they are prone to relapse if they are not taught how tobetter manage their depression or are not left with enough of a support system.I suppose if Nuala really wanted to discourage Nuada from his plans, the bestway would be to tell him that she needed him to stay with her in order toprevent a relapse. But that would assume he’d believe such a thing, heh.

But those are like… ultimate “I getthe Army and then I dead the humans so hard” plans. What about other supportingplans along the way? There are a fewthat I think would be either put off or nixed entirely if Nuala was sick withthe Iron Malady…

He wouldn’t kill Balor. Perhaps that whole thing might have gonedifferently if Nuala hadn’t been there to give consent for Balor’s death decreein the first place, but if she had the Iron Malady, Nuada would right suspectthat killing their father wasn’t what would bring Nuala out of her sadness. Infact, that would only exacerbate it tenfold.

He wouldn’t use the forest god in the way hedid. If anything, he might have brought itto Nuala first and shown her look, one of these still exists and I’m incubatingit, to make her happy. Not… “and then I’m going to use it to kill the hoomins,”haha… but just… “look, there is hope yet.” Maybe the poor forest god would havehad a better ending (or beginning?) and a much deeper meaning if it had beenused in that way. Great. I just gave myself a sad.

He wouldn’t care as much as Abe trying to makemoves on Nuala. Nuada doesn’tlike Abe for a lot of reasons, and he doesn’t think he is worthy of his sister,but… just like with Balor, now is not the time to attack someone she clearlycares for. For the sake of her recovery, I could see Nuada allowing Abe tovisit her. Supervised visits, ofcourse. XD

Nuada’s biggest problem during this timethough, would be not falling victim to it himself. Seeing his sister with the same illness hismother died from would take Nuada to a very rough place in his mind, and Ireally think it would be difficult for him to not fall into a depressionhimself. He would most likely want to stay in her room, sleep by her beside,basically never leave her. He would start regretting things he said and did toher, would start wishing they had been on better terms, all of that. So therewould be a great deal of regret and guilt involved in addition to just thesadness of seeing someone he loves laid up like that. So I think he’d be luckyif he remained entirely healthy himself during this time.

But yeah, that’s my 2 cents… of 5dollars, since this was long as hell, haha… but I hope I answered everythingwell enough! Thank you for sending thisin!

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mywinestainedheart · 6 years

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I Took My First Antidepressant Today

It was a long debate. I’d pulled them out of the drawer last night and stared at the box. The pharmacist had written in big black-marked letters ‘TAKE ONE TABLET IN THE MORNING’. I wondered, briefly, what would happen if I took the whole thing, but quickly realised that that very thought is the reason I have this box in the first place.

I left them on my dresser then jumped into bed, deciding to do some research. I’d been doing okay lately. Since quitting my job I’d been shadowing a friend of mine who I’ve come to regard as an older sister. She and her husband have been amazing enough to hand-hold my inexperienced self and coach me through the basics of digital marketing. I was having fun and was putting in all the effort because I wanted to learn as much as possible. I’d also pushed myself to start running again. We live out of town with wide open roads and fresh air, so I figured the best way to start realigning my mental state was through physical activity. For a good two weeks, I was doing well.

Then yesterday happened.

I’d been feeling moody for a few days prior but didn’t think much of it. I was still laughing at memes, talking openly about my diagnosis to friends and about how this year was all about personal growth and self love... and then I had a dream about him. Him and her. Him with her. The setting made it appear that we were all out at the same party; me with my friends and them with theirs. I was trying to ignore them both but then she came up to me and kept trying to talk and ‘make friends’. The dream ended before I raised a fist and punched this girl in the nose, which dream-state-me had been about to do. I woke up, rolled onto my back, closed my eyes and let the tears roll down. My heartbreak pooled in my ears and dampened my pillows, and all I could think was: Jesus, when does this end? Because I know he’s not thinking about me anymore. He had no reason to be thinking of me, of what I must be going through, of how much I miss and resent him at the same time.

This sets me back. My mental state is right where I started: Waking up to cry in the middle of the night, feeling anxious and fearful about everything. Wanting to call him to make it stop. Unable to concentrate when I try to work. Feeling less motivated to go running. Wanting to call him to ask if he’s in love with her now. I find myself staring at her Facebook profile picture, trying to figure out what it is. Why is he with her and not me? It’s not like she’s that much prettier. And she has makeup on. I’d like to see what she looked like without all that. She also over-braids her hair so her hairline is receding. This makes me happy, for some reason. Seeing and imagining her flaws makes me happy. Then comes the feelings of self-doubt and guilt. Maybe she is prettier than me. She’s probably a lot nicer too. I bet she doesn’t stare at pictures of other women and look for the bad things to make herself feel better. I bet, in his eyes, in his version of events, she’s the angel and I’m the devil. She’s confident and sexy and self-assured, and I’m just the overgrown teenager who gave him hell for the last three years of his life. He moved on so fast, he probably never cared to begin with. No one will ever care. No man will ever choose you. No man will ever love you. You’ll die alone, so you might as well just die now.

Over time, I’ve quietly decided that if I am ever to truly commit suicide it’ll be carbon monoxide poisoning. I’ll drive out to some remote area, plug in the hose, tape up the window and recline the seat. I’d carry my laptop and watch my all-time favourite early 2000’s romcom, She’s All That, for the last time as I wait to fall asleep forever. I’d leave a note. At home on my dresser, detailing my reasons and where to find me later. Suicide is bad enough but not leaving your family with closure is just cruel.

My psychiatrist has prescribed me Escitalopram, otherwise known as Lexapro, used to treat anxiety and generalised depression. It has some mixed reviews online. I seek out commentary from women and some claim side effects such as nausea, headaches, an insatiable craving for carbs and weight gain (this does not bode well with me), while others say it completely changed their lives and they suffered no side effects at all. I open another tab and type in ‘Antidepressants after a breakup’, because I’m now starting to wonder if I’m even depressed at all. I’m always the dumped, not the dumper, and this does wonders for one’s self esteem, as you could imagine. But I’ve survived these breakups--with some questionable coping mechanisms--before, so maybe I was taking this latest one a little harder because this was the one I thought would last. I find at least three articles detailing the healthy stages of sadness after a breakup and the unhealthy stages. Let’s just say, I was looking the ‘healthy’ in the rear view mirror while my mental state was headed for a cliff. I guess medical professionals do know what they’re talking about sometimes.

For anyone wondering, understand that there will always be other underlying factors involved, but onset of depression after a breakup is a real thing, and suicidal ideation, although it may not be harmful in the fantasy stage, can change if not treated as soon as possible. I’ve been creeping a lot closer to action than I cared to realise. I mean, I have a plan for it. If life ever gets too much, I’ve already mapped out my exit strategy.

I notice, through my research, that there is a stigma towards antidepressants and the people who take them. I will admit, this is where my initial hesitation about taking them came from. I didn’t want to be considered ‘weak’. People who take antidepressants are perceived as incapable of coping with life’s every day stressors the same way as everyone else without the help of that little pill. They’re considered mentally / emotionally fragile, and that was the one thing I never wanted anyone to see when they looked at me: Helplessness. But did I really have room for pride anymore? Well, in one aspect, I know pride is what’s saving me. If I committed suicide tomorrow, despite my reasons, with the close timing of my breakup it would still look like I killed myself over a guy. I was not about to have my memory attached to someone’s coward of a son. He’d insisted that he didn’t deserve me and, considering all that he put me through, I owed it to myself to believe him. Besides, I’d get all the way to heaven and my no-nonsense African grandmother would probably smack the life back into me and send me right back down.

I dry swallowed my first pill this morning. Let’s see how this goes.

#Depression Mentalhealth Antidepressants Sad Heartbreak Heartbroken Alone SelfConfidence Trying TakeCareOfYourself

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thedepressedweasel · 6 years

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Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure. Originally written for relationships, later realized most points are applicable to friendships as well. (some are relationship specific, so you can ignore them if you’re checking for friendship, also this works for marriage as well)

Physical abuse

they sometimes push me, kick me, and/or intimidate me physically

they’ve hit me before, and I’m scared they might do it again

they make it clear that they want to hit me

they’ve been hitting walls, throwing things around me and at me, kicking objects or furniture, making it clear they’re barely controlling themselves not to hit me

they sometimes corner me/trap me with their body so I can’t escape (during arguments or otherwise)

they left painful marks on my body (from gripping my body too tight in anger, from pushing me to fall down, from rough treatment, dragging)

they sometimes hurt me but it’s only because they have short temper/alcohol problem/tough day at work/other things they deal with

they sometimes hurt me but they make it clear it’s only because of something I’ve done/said or something I failed to do or say

they’ve choked me, restrained my movements, pinned me down and refused to let me go even though I was struggling/paralyzed

they’ve ignored my cries of pain and kept hurting me

I’ve been in hospital before due to the injuries they’ve caused me

they sometimes make me feel like my life is in danger

Social abuse

they hate my friends, and want me to spend less time with them, or completely cut them out of my life

they’ve affected me to drop more than one friend from my life

they’ve managed to isolate me from family members, friends, acquaintances and people I used to enjoy spending my time with

they get angry if I enjoy my time out with friends/family, and call my socializing derogatory names, as if hanging out with people was a luxury I’m not supposed to enjoy

they lie about what people have said about me/think about me, in a way that makes me feel humiliated and hated by everyone

their behaviour towards me changes drastically based on who we’re with, they’re completely different when we’re alone compared to when we are in someone else’s company

they lie about our relationship to others, in front of me, and I feel I’m not allowed to challenge them

they threaten me in private to how I’m supposed to act when in public

they humiliate me in public and in front of their friends

they tell people to “just ignore me” and teach them how to dismiss me and my feelings

they talk badly about me to their friends and family and/or mine

they lie to others about what I’ve said and done, making sure I look awful

they make decisions for me and relay them to others without my permission, making sure I look selfish/rude/inconsistent/cruel if I don’t follow through

they mock my talk, walk, behaviour, opinions and features in front of others

they allow others to insult and humiliate me, and they dismiss it all as jokes

they allow others to say offensive, triggering and cruel things to me and they encourage it

they use my reactions to prove to others how I’m overemotional, too sensitive, hysterical or crazy

Emotional abuse

they yell at me even when I’m already crying

they make me feel as if no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough

they call me ugly/lazy/worthless/miserable/toxic, and act like they’re allowed to because it’s the “truth”

when I really need their help/support/comfort, they’re emotionally unavailable, or show no interest in helping me

they make me feel guilty and ashamed if I’m not there for them at any moment, and accuse me of caring too much about other people and activities, when I should make it all about them

they use every opportunity to talk about themselves and ignore whatever I say as if I only said it to offer them a chance to talk about their own issues, even if their issues are much smaller

they intentionally leave out some vital details about their life and feelings, only to use them later to prove how neglectful and ignorant I am of their issues, regardless of how much I listen to them

they make me participate in activities I don’t enjoy, benefit, or feel comfortable doing

they exclude me on purpose from activities I would have enjoyed doing

they get angry if I don’t readily quit my own activities for the sake of accompanying them on theirs

when planning, they always assume and take for granted I’ll do all the heavy and unpleasant work

they refuse to do a same favour for me that I’ve done for them in the past

they purposely do their part of the work badly so I would never ask them to do it again

they purposely manage activities so that I end up doing more unpleasant and draining work

it’s always assumed I’ll sacrifice my goals and needs for the sake of theirs

they seem to forget I have need for attention, affection and support, and no matter how much of it I give to them, I rarely or never get any in return

they don’t do anything for me, to the point where I feel neglected, lonely and sad as if I’m not in a relationship at all

if I point out they neglect me, they get angry and act as if I’m expecting the impossible from them, and accuse me of neglecting them instead

they’ve cheated on me before

they’ve cheated on me and decided it was my fault, because I wasn’t doing enough for them

they’ve cheated on me and demand forgiveness

they flirt with others when they know it makes me insecure and scared

they lie about the time they spend with others and make me feel guilty for doubting their lies

they go over my stuff, look thru my phone/computer/other private device, and make arguments to why they have the right to do it, and why I’m not to be trusted

they accuse me of cheating, flirting, and wanting to have relationships with others, to the point where I’m not allowed to look or talk to another person without getting punished for it

they feel they have the right to punish me, and often let me know they’re deciding just how dire of a punishment i have deserved

they insist on keeping the relationship secret to everyone, and I’m not allowed to let anyone know I’m even talking to them

they lied to me about having other relationships or being married

they make me feel like I’m hard to love

they frequently remind me of how much I am to deal with, and how much they have to sacrifice because of me

they frequently remind me of my every bad feature to remind me that I’m a burden to them, and that I should be grateful they still tolerate me

they keep promising they will never hurt me again, but they still keep repeating it

I always have to be reminded of how tough they had it and all the reasons they have for acting hurtful the way they do

I always have to focus on their problems, and push mine under the surface, theirs just seem to be more important

I always have to be considerate and hide my pain in order to not make them feel guilty

I always have to forgive them and keep acting like nothing bad happened when they hurt me

I’m sometimes scared of them, but I push it down and remind myself of the nice things they did

I’m sometimes worried they’re going to hurt me, but I remind myself of their potential to love me

I often feel used and exploited by them, and like they’re only with me to get something out of it

I keep waiting for them to return my love and act more supportive towards me for a long time

I sometimes want to break up but every time I start feeling this way they do something to make me feel too guilty to leave, or give me more hope that things will get better if I stay.

I feel if I leave them I’ll be doing the same thing everyone else has done to them, and I don’t want to be that person.

I feel obligated to stay because they’ll have nobody without me.

I feel like I owe them too much to leave them.

I feel like I’m here to prove to them that not everyone is awful, and that they can get what they need in life, and to restore their faith in humanity, and for this I’ve been enduring everything they did to me.

I feel like nobody will ever love me again if I leave.

I feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive without them.

I’m scared they’ll hurt me if I leave.

I’m scared they’ll hurt themselves if I leave.

they’ve threatened to hurt me, or hurt themselves if I leave

Psychological abuse

they insult me and/or call me names and slurs, and play it off as a joke a moment afterwards

they insist i don’t have a real reason for getting upset/offended/hurt

they humiliate and blame me for having problems and struggling with life

they insist that I caused all the problems for myself and I wouldn’t have them if I wasn’t so stupid/incapable/slow/mentally ill/lazy/problematic

they insist my problems are “made up” or just me dramatizing my situation

they question my choices until I start doubting them myself

they claim I’m too emotional and irrational to be making any choices

they call me “too difficult” or “too complicated” to deal with, and to love

they make me responsible for their feelings and actions towards me (if they do something it’s because “I made them do it”, if they feel angry it’s because I “provoked” them, if they feel unsatisfied it’s because I haven’t done enough for them)

they use my chronic illness/mental illness/psychological issues against me, to prove that I’m not a full person worthy of love, and that they’re supposed to be praised and rewarded for dealing with me

they use my past trauma/past experiences to explain why I’m distrustful and why I perceive them the way I do (implying that my perception is wrong and it’s my fault I don’t trust them)

they demand to decide how I should perceive their actions (they insist I should find their hurtful actions funny, charming, acts of good intentions)

they minimize and dismiss my feelings, concern, worry, anxiety, fear (you’re exaggerating, you’re dramatizing, get over it, get over yourself, people have it worse, you’re lucky, you should be grateful)

I can’t openly tell them when they’ve hurt me, I know it will make them angry/sad/upset

they make me comfort them when they hurt me

they get angry at mere implication that they did something wrong, and will fight to prove me otherwise, and punish me for making such accusation

they use my lack of knowledge in certain areas to make me look extremely dumb and ignorant

they belittle and put down my ideas, opinions, experiences and thoughts

they sometimes act like they don’t remember something they said or did to me that was really hurtful

they sometimes act like i did things they did (they will smash a vase and then ask me who smashed it, or why did I smash it the next day)

they insist they didn’t do or say things I can clearly remember them doing or saying, they demand my memory is wrong and that I must be imagining things (I would never do/say that!)

Body control

they make comments about my appearance that lowers my confidence

they make blatant requests and demands about how I should look/dress/take care of myself

they make demands and requests to what I should do with my own body

they talk as if it would be stupid for me to make my own decisions

they insult my body features, criticize my appearance, my weight, my dress choices

they insult features I feel really insecure about, and it makes me feel worse

they laugh at my appearance in front of others, and try to get others to notice a flaw

they compare me to others to show me how I should look, act and behave (why aren’t you more like x?)

Financial abuse (relationship/marriage specific)

they decided I spend too much and used it to take control of finances

they insist on controlling the finances and income, and dismiss me as too incapable to deal with such things

they don’t like me having a source of income and insist I should become financially dependent on them (maybe they framed it like “you don’t have to work, I’ll take care of you”)

they’ve managed to make me financially dependent on them, and they’re using it against me

they demand I don’t have equal rights to decide and manage our finances since they’re the only one bringing the income

they withhold money from me unless I do everything they want and expect of me to do

they make priorities to spend on luxury for themselves, while dismissing my necessities (basic clothing, food, hygiene items, healthcare needs, current project needs)

they decide how much I’m allowed to spend and I have to show proof of it

they lie to me about finances and our current standing

they spend large amounts of money secretly (on gambling, prostitution, alcohol, drugs)

I was forced to pay off their debts/credits/payments for their own belongings

I was forced to save them from financial trouble, and they only made more financial trouble

I’m forced to support them due to their unwillingness to work/losing a job on purpose

they emotionally/psychologically abuse me if I don’t give them full rights to my finances

Sexual abuse (tw rape)

they sexualize my behaviour, take my words and actions sexually when they’re not meant to be, and accuse me of “provoking them”

they get upset and angry if I refuse them for sex, or if I refuse to do a certain act

they punish me for refusing, withhold affection, care, resources from me

they don’t accept me saying “no” to sex, and will keep pressuring me

I don’t always feel like I can easily say no to them, they make me feel like I owe them sex

they’ve told me I’m ungrateful, cruel, selfish and withholding for refusing

if I said yes to something they assume it’s a yes for every time they want it, I’m not allowed to change my mind afterwards

I’m forced to give them sexual favours for holidays/birthdays that I don’t enjoy or want to do

they pressure and coerce me into sex acts I’m not sure I want to do, or I’m sure I don’t want to do them

they’ve been pressuring me to include other people in our sexual life, when I don’t want to

they’ve physically forced me into sex without my consent before

they touch me when I don’t feel comfortable with them doing so

they don’t stop touching me when I tense up/freeze

they’re rough and inconsiderate during sex, and don’t seem to care if they’re hurting me

they don’t stop when I’m hurt, overwhelmed, in pain, crying, making pained noises, paralyzing

they use sex to lash out their anger, and end up hurting me

they humiliate, insult, call me derogatory names and slurs, and emotionally abuse me during sex

they’ve inflicted injuries onto me during sex

they’ve done things I specifically told them not to during sex

they’ve done things to me during sex that I mentioned before to be uncomfortable with

they’ve put me in position where I couldn’t refuse to do a sexual act

they control me during sex, and will get angry or forceful if I don’t obey

they refuse to offer any gentleness and physical care during sex

they refuse to be gentle and considerate to me except after they’ve already hurt me sexually

they demand a lot of sexual attention but refuse to give any to me

they demand a lot of touch and physical affection but refuse to look at me or touch me the same way

they will call me disgusting/undesirable/ugly/unlovable and refuse to touch me, at the same time demanding that I give them what they want sexually

they’ve done things to me without my knowledge (while incapacitated, asleep, unconscious)

they’ve filmed our sexual contact without my knowledge, and/or shared it with others

*even if you seek out or derive pleasure from sexual abuse it will still inflict psychological injuries, and any person who would harm you during intimacy is not safe for your well being

If you bolded more than 7 items on this list, you are dealing with an abusive partner/friend. This is not a complete list of abusive behaviour, but it’s as extensive as I was able to make it. If you can think of more abusive behaviour not listed here, add it to the list! Also, if you have confirmed you’re in an abusive relationship with a man, your next reading should be “Why does he do that”, download it here.

#my first boyfriend did most of the cheating #another guy did the rest of the things that I bolded #except that they second guy wasn't even my boyfriend #he was a stalker #his tumblr url is @madtoyz48169 #meanwhile my first boyfriend kept me financially dependent on him and would guilt me everytime i got mad at him

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