#i am so so so proud of myself though like i'm finally to the point where like when duolingo goes 'youve gotten this wrong' I can go OH

[47-protons]

fighting for my life on duolingo i finished first place last week with like 400 XP and I went to the next league. they put me in one with more active people because of it.

i’m clinging to second place haggard and covered in blood behind someone who. when i checked like 3 hours ago they had 1100 something. I’ve just checked. they are now at 1557. I have 586. I am clinging here by my fingertips. I will not be moved. next week will probably be hell on earth but by god i am stubborn this week and i will Not Be Moved. i won’t get first but i can damn well try to outrun the guy in third.

[vanteguccir]

Medium girl | Matt Sturniolo

Matt Sturniolo x reader | Nick and Chris Sturniolo x reader (platonic)

Summary: Where Y/N is a medium and Matt's girlfriend. She is invited to participate in the collab between Sam & Colby and the Sturniolo Triplets but ends up being targeted by ghosts all night.

Warning: Paranormal, supernatural, ghosts, mediumship.

Requested?: No.

Author's note: That is my work, I DON'T authorize any plagiarism! | English isn't my first language, so I'm sorry if there's any grammar error.

PS.: I spent long hours writing this, I was so excited because of the video and how this would come out! I hope you guys like it ♡

PS. 2: Another version of this same "universe" that I wrote.

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"Guys, today we have some very special guests. You literally spent months asking us to do a collaboration with them." Colby said as he walked through the Driskill Hotel Hall with Sam at his side holding the camera. "The Sturniolo Triplets and Y/N!" The brunette finished, pointing to the four mentioned while the camera lens focused on them.

The duo had just finished their initial presentation of the channel and the place where they were, happy to finally do something that their fans had asked for so much.

"Are you guys excited?" Colby asked, clasping his hands in front of his chest as he looked at them with excitement on his features.

"Super excited." The triplets responded at the same time, smiling broadly.

"Very!" Y/N responded from beside Matt, her left hand rested on the brunette's covered back while Matt's right arm wrapped around her shoulder.

"Are you guys scared, nervous, or just excited?" Colby asked again, looking briefly at the camera.

"I'm scared." Chris responded quickly, his hands resting on his waist.

"I'm terrified." Nick admitted without reservation, receiving laughter from everyone there.

"I'm super excited, a little nervous, but super excited." Y/N spoke, nodding as a smile spread across her face.

"We wanted to ask this to you specifically. You're a medium, right?" Sam asked from behind the camera, adjusting it in his hands so that the lens caught the four of them and Colby, but with the focus on Y/N.

"Yes I am." The girl nodded.

"She's Lorraine Warren herself." Nick interrupted, pointing briefly at Y/N with his left hand.

"It's not that big of a deal, Nick." She rolled her eyes, not holding back her smile when she saw the boys laughing at the oldest of the triplets' joke.

"But you're good, right? We watched some videos and podcasts of the triplets, and they commented a few times in them about you being a medium." Colby took the lead, looking at her carefully, hoping she could help them with the investigation of that video.

"She is great." Matt spoke before Y/N could open her mouth, carrying a big smile on his face and a proud look in his eyes.

"I don't consider myself great." The girl rolled her eyes at her boyfriend's comment, feeling her cheeks heat up. "I've always had this 'power'." She made the quotation mark gesture with her hands. "I can see, hear, and feel. I remember that when I was a child, I didn't understand anything, and I was scared to death, especially because people said that only I could do those things, I felt crazy. Until my mother took me to my grandmother when I was 9 years old, and they explained it to me together. My grandmother was a great medium, and apparently, that passed on to me." She explained briefly.

"So you can do all three? And you have control over them?" Sam asked from behind the camera again.

"It depends on what the spirit or demon wants. I can feel anything, both energy and proximity. As for hearing or seeing, it depends on whether the spirit wants me to see or hear them. But when they want, I do all three perfectly, everything becomes very clear to me, as if they were really there in the flesh." Y/N explained, receiving nods from Nick and Chris, who were next to her paying attention to her words, even though they already knew that.

"And how do you react to that? You live together, right?" Colby turned to the brothers, bringing their attention to them.

"Yes, we always knew that Y/N was a medium since we all grew up together in Boston. When we moved in together after moving to LA, we not only knew, but we started living it." Nick began explaining, his eyes going from his brothers to Sam and Colby.

"Yes, she never went into much detail about what she saw or heard because we were always a little scared-"

"You're all pussy's." Y/N cut Chris off, releasing the sentence with a smirk on her face. Colby laughed loudly, shaking his head.

"Thank you, my love." Matt scoffed, getting a "your welcome" in return.

"It has become normal for us to be talking to her, and out of nowhere, she looks at a specific point that, for us, has nothing. Or she stops paying attention to what we are saying to listen to something that someone from beyond is saying." Chris continued after rolling his eyes at his sister-in-law, already used to her jokes.

"Yes, it's scary. Sometimes, she wakes up in the middle of the night and stares into space, sitting on top of our bed. I just pull the blanket over my head and pretend I'm not seeing it happening." Y/N slapped Matt's arm after his comment, muttering a "best boyfriend ever".

"Do you think you'll be able to capture the movements here well?" Colby turned to her, looking at her with a curious look.

"I hope so. I'm hopeful that they will be open to me and show me what I need to know." Y/N nodded, breaking into a smile.

Matt moved his right hand down to Y/N's left, intertwining their fingers and caressing his girlfriend's soft skin with his thumb, knowing how much she was looking forward to the video and wanting to feel helpful, even if she didn't need to be a super medium for this.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

The six were now standing near the staircase where Samantha had apparently died after chasing a ball and tripping, rolling down the stairs.

Sam was standing on the second step while Matt and Chris were on the left side of the staircase, Matt leaning on the handrail, and Nick on the right side as they listened to the blonde's explanation.

Y/N was a little further away, Sam's voice was muffled to her while her ears picked up indecipherable whispers from all sides, as if many people were trying to ask for help, explain what happened at the hotel and sending hateful comments at the same time.

Matt's presence approaching her broke her from her trance, making her look up at him, seeing his worried expression.

"Is everything okay, baby?" He asked in a low voice, not wanting to attract the attention of the others.

"Yeah, I'm just trying to get a feel of the environment." Y/N responded in the same tone of voice, smiling softly, trying to calm her boyfriend and herself.

She was already used to seeing and hearing spirits since she had done it all her life, but this experience was different from any other she had ever had.

Nick looked at her momentarily, asking her if she was okay with just a move of his lips, receiving a nod in return.

Y/N decided to get closer to the others so she could focus on their main mission there, receiving answers from the spirits through the lanterns.

"Samantha, are you the only one up here on the stairs?" Matt asked after the boys asked several questions, his right hand holding Y/N's, trying to convey comfort.

"No." Y/N replied seconds before the red flashlight turned on, receiving looks from the five on her.

"Do you see any other ghosts up here?" Sam asked, watching Y/N's reactions carefully.

"Yes, I can't see them all clearly. Many are blurred, but I can see at least three up here, besides Samantha." The girl explained, briefly pointing to the spots where she saw the three aforementioned ghosts before turning her attention to the boys.

"Can you see Samantha?" Chris asked, raising his eyebrows, his blue eyes wide in curiosity.

"No, she doesn't want me to see her. But I feel her... Here." Y/N counted, closing her eyes briefly before pointing to a specific spot between Colby and Nick.

Nick looked at the indicated spot, moving away and going to Matt and Chris' side, feeling shivers run up his spine. Colby focused the camera on there, as if waiting for something to reveal itself to the lens.

Matt looked up at his girlfriend, watching her carefully, trying to make sure she was okay.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

The six were now on the mezzanine, ready to stand in front of old mirrors, which were very expensive, while they tried to call for spirits through them, specifically for Carlota.

"Hey Carlota, we have five men here, but only four are single, and one of them is off limits." Matt began, looking around briefly as his right arm held Y/N close to him by her waist, not wanting to lose sight of her in the dark of the room.

Colby and Chris began to say pick-up lines into the air as they looked around blindly, causing Y/N to laugh. She couldn't believe they were actually doing that.

The scent of roses intensified around the group, making the girl divert her attention from the boys and also look around, looking for a source of the smell.

An intense tug on her hair made her take a step back, her hands flying to the spot as if she was trying to feel someone there, turning around abruptly.

"What was that?" Colby asked, stopping in the middle of one of his nonsensical pick-up lines.

"Someone pulled my hair." Y/N responded quickly, keeping her gaze firmly on the space where she felt a presence.

Matt turned to look at where his girlfriend was looking, keeping his hand in contact with her body, wanting to make sure she was still there.

"Are you sure that-" Chris began, stopping mid-sentence when he saw Y/N stumble forward, causing Matt's hand to lose contact with her body.

"Why don't you appear in front of me instead of pushing me around, Carlota?" Y/N spoke out loudly, her tone angry while her eyes rolled across the room, feeling several presences and trying to look for Carlota among them.

"Wow, calm down, baby." Matt asked, moving closer and touching her shoulder, only to have Y/N pushed to the side again.

It was obvious that that spirit, Carlota, if Y/N's intuition was right, didn't like the girl there for some reason. This was made clearer by the fact that she only pushed Y/N but didn't even touch the others.

"Are you sure it's Carlota?" Sam asked from behind the camera, zooming in on the lens and moving it so the camera captured the entire place.

"I can't see her, but I feel her presence. And it would make sense. She likes to be pampered and praised by men, having another woman in the same room as her might offend her." The girl explained.

"Or make her feel threatened." Nick added, receiving a nod from Y/N, who was still looking at specific points in the room.

"Get out." A whisper echoed directly against the girl's right ear, making her turn around abruptly, seeing only the female silhouette for a few seconds, before it disappeared like smoke.

Matt approached Y/N quickly as he saw her begin to show her nervousness, wrapping his arm around her waist firmly again, marking his territory and taking on a serious expression, looking around as if confronting whatever was there.

“You are not allowed to touch Y/N.” Matt stated, his voice echoing in a serious tone, tightening his grip on the curve of his girlfriend's waist.

The six stood in silence for a few minutes, waiting for something to happen again, but nothing happened.

"Matt took a firm stance, which probably proved to Carlota, or whoever was doing it, that they shouldn't touch Y/N." Colby explained to the camera. "If it worked so quickly, it probably means you have an aura similar to mine." He turned to Matt, who looked back at him with a confused look, not understanding what that meant.

"It is said that the spirits are afraid of Colby because he has a very "firm" aura, which scares them and makes them obey him." Sam explained, lowering the camera a little so he could get a better look at the couple.

"That explains why the manifestations at home lessen when Matt is around me." Y/N contemplated, bringing her right hand to Matt's left on her waist, stroking the area lightly in gratitude.

Colby resumed his explanation of what they would do in the room after noticing that nothing else would happen to Y/N, focusing his attention on the camera lens.

Matt brought his face closer to the top of his girlfriend's head, sealing his lips in the area for a few seconds, before moving away and exhaling the smell of shampoo and perfume that Y/N exuded, calming himself down.

"You guys are so cheesy." Nick interrupted their moment with a smile on his face, getting closer to feel some sense of comfort.

Y/N just laughed as she rolled her eyes, resting her head on her boyfriend's covered chest, feeling grateful to have him there to protect her.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

"Do you want to do it yourself?" Sam asked Matt.

Matt and Sam had just gotten out of the elevator after doing the ritual, which brought no results. The boys that stayed behind were surprised, saying that the ritual lasted just a few minutes, less than they expected.

Y/N was next to Nick, looking carefully inside the elevator as if expecting something to appear there, but there weren't even any traces of ghosts, which left her confused.

Matt looked at Sam for a few seconds after his question, shrugging as if to say, "I'm already here, why not?"

"Babe, can I come with you?" The girl's voice sounded among the group, making everyone look at her briefly.

Matt nodded quickly, feeling relief fill his heart, knowing that he wouldn't have to do it alone anymore. He raised his left hand in the air, waiting for his girlfriend to take it, intertwining their fingers tightly.

"What if you never come back?" Nick began, making Y/N roll her eyes.

"I promise I'll bring him back intact." The girl interrupted the drama. "I'm Lorraine Warren, remember? I'm going to protect my Ed Warren." She added, making everyone laugh.

"Send me the numbers." The brunette asked, looking at Sam as he fished his phone out of his jeans pocket.

The couple entered the elevator, Matt holding the camera in one hand and his phone in the other.

"Don't forget to say "take me to another world"." Sam remembered before the doors closed, the two of them repeating the words being the last thing he heard.

"Okay, let's do this." Matt unlocked his phone screen, opening the messaging app and clicking on Sam's chat, seeing the texts with the numbers.

Y/N read over her boyfriend's shoulder before leaning over and clicking the button for the first floor, taking a deep breath.

"Are you okay, baby?" Matt asked in a low voice, arranging the camera in his hands so that the lens framed the two of them before turning his head to look at her.

"Yeah, just nervous." Y/N began, turning to face her boyfriend while putting on a nervous smile, cracking her fingers in an act of anxiety. "It's just been too much, I've never felt so many presences at the same time."

"I know, baby. I'm here-"

Matt stopped mid-sentence when the elevator door opened, the two of them turning to the it quickly, their eyes traveling down the hallway, scanning the place.

A sigh escaped Matt's lips when nothing happened, his hands relaxing and the camera moving slightly as he leaned in to click the next button.

He reread the texts sent by Sam before putting away his phone, taking his free hand to Y/N's shoulders and pulling her close, the warmth of her body calming him.

"You're brave today. I like this new Matt." The girl commented a few seconds later, looking up, her eyes meeting the blue ones she loved so much. Matt smirked, lowering himself momentarily, sealing his lips over Y/N's forehead.

The two remained in that position, their heartbeats accelerating each time the elevator doors opened again, before they relaxed when nothing happened.

Until the fifth floor, where supposedly a "lady" should enter the elevator. Y/N stood still when the doors opened, the hair on her arms stood up and her heart seemed to freeze for a few seconds before speeding up, feeling like her entire body trembled with each beat.

"Matt." Her voice sounded broken and weak. "She... She's right there." Y/N muttered, raising her right arm and pointing out of the elevator. Her gaze seemed to be glazed over.

Matt swallowed hard, tightening his hand around his girlfriend, wanting to make sure she didn't leave his side. He arranged the camera so that the lens was focused outside, although neither he nor the camera were capturing anything.

"She's not coming in. Something seems to be stopping her. But she's so angry." The girl said, her voice full of emotions, looking like she was about to cry.

"Alright, that's enough. Let's go back." Matt interrupted, leaning in and clicking the button to go down, placing himself in front of his girl, with the intention of protecting her or taking her attention away from the figure.

The elevator began to slowly close, the doors appearing to be held by something.

When it finally did, Matt turned to Y/N, lowering the camera momentarily and focusing all of his attention on her.

"Baby, are you with me? Are you back?" The boy asked in a low, soft voice, afraid of scaring her even more. His blue eyes looked into his girlfriend's, hoping to see them come into focus again.

Y/N blinked repeatedly before finally looking at Matt.

"Yes, I-I'm sorry." She asked, her voice coming out weak. She closed her lips in a thin line, trying to hold back the post-adrenaline crying.

"Hey, don't apologize, you didn't do anything wrong. Are you okay, baby? I just need to know this." The brunette was worried, he felt his heart tighten at his girl's features, and if he could, he would pass on everything she saw and felt to himself, just to spare her from all that.

"Now I am. I promise." The girl responded, nodding her head and offering him a small smile.

The sound of the elevator doors opening interrupted them, making Matt turn his back to Y/N and face the boys waiting for them, Colby already with his camera in hand and the lens focusing on the inside of the place.

"Wow, don't tell me you guys were- Wait, is everything okay?" Nick started the joke, believing that they would be kissing due to their position, but stopping in the middle of it when he noticed the expressions on Y/N's face.

"Y/N saw the "lady" who was supposed to enter the elevator on the fifth floor." Matt said, taking his girl's hand and guiding her out of it carefully.

"What?"

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

The group was now in room 525, ready to do the Estes Method.

Y/N was sitting on the edge of the bed, next to Matt, and facing the chair where the other two brothers would do the method. She had a soft smile on her face as she saw her boyfriend and brothers spouting barbs, creating a pleasant atmosphere, before Nick and Chris got under.

The girl kept her eyes glued to the duo, refusing to look around her despite hearing whispers. The words that Nick and Chris repeated, she could hear seconds before, sometimes even phrases, but she didn't want to pay attention to the ghosts there. Y/N wanted to know what they wanted them to know, and she would only get it if she heard what Chris and Nick heard.

The words came disconnected and fast. It seemed like the two were in an argument, often even complementing each other's phrases.

"Y/N." Nick spoke suddenly, his nose wrinkling under the red blindfold as if trying to understand where that came from, or hear better what it meant.

Matt quickly brought his right hand to Y/N's left thigh, maintaining direct contact with her as he kept his eyes fixed on Nick, a serious expression on his face.

"Unwelcome here." Chris spoke next.

Colby felt his fingers on the camera shake slightly. He knew well what was happening here, having already been through the same situation with Sam and their psychic friend, Amanda. He looked at Y/N with a worried expression, followed by Sam, who went over and sat on the bed next to the girl.

Matt pressed his fingers over his girlfriend's covered skin, taking a deep breath. He couldn't believe this was really happening.

"Yeah, it seems like the ghosts hate me." Y/N spoke with a nervous smile, letting out a low laugh, trying to calm the tense atmosphere that had settled.

She finally looked up and around the room, easily finding the ghost who had said that.

The "lady" from the elevator was next to Chris, staring at her with the same anger as before, showing her hatred for the girl's presence there. It was obvious that she didn't want Y/N in her hotel, but no one there understood why.

"Out."

"Her."

"Now."

"What the hell?" Y/N exclaimed milliseconds after Chris said the last word, turning around abruptly when she felt something grab her arm and let go seconds later, but curiously, her eyes didn't catch anything.

"Okay, I think that's good for now." Sam said after seeing her reaction, getting up from the bed and touching Nick and Chris, making them take off their headphones and blindfolds.

"Apparently, I'm unwelcome here." Y/N was the first to speak after getting the attention of the other two brothers. "Something just touched me, I swear."

"I just don't understand. Why would they try to attack Y/N? It doesn't make sense." Matt asked, turning to Colby in hopes of him having an answer, as he moved closer to Y/N on the mattress, trying to give her some reassurance.

"I don't know, sometimes spirits just choose one person to terrorize or attach to, and only they know why. Sam went through something similar once." Colby explained, pointing briefly at the blonde, who nodded.

The girl sighed, it's obvious that they would choose her, after all she could see and hear them. She looked around the room again, drowning out the sound of the boys' voices. Her attention was drawn to the bathroom, which had its door opened by Matt earlier.

She felt a presence there. It certainly wasn't evil, and it seemed to be calling for her, as if it needed her to come in there.

"Guys, why don't we try again, but in the bathroom?" Y/N interrupted Nick's sentence - without even knowing what he was saying -, turning to the boys with a firm look.

"Baby, are you sure? I think we're past your limit." Matt asked, uncertainty settling into his gaze as his blue eyes ran over his girlfriend's features, as if searching for any sign of fear there, but finding nothing but firmness.

"I'm sure, I feel like there's something there that needs to talk to us."

Minutes later the six had organized themselves in the small bathroom; Colby was standing in the bathtub while Matt sat on the edge of it, Nick was sitting on the closed toilet and Chris was leaning on the sink, both looking at his brother. Sam was standing in the doorway, still with the camera in hand, while Y/N was sitting on the floor, between Matt's legs and looking up, her eyes focused on her boyfriend's blindfold covered face.

Y/N had her right hand on Matt's thigh, caressing the skin carefully, trying to reduce the boy's anxiety and nervousness, knowing that despite him trying to be thought, he was afraid of what might happen, or if he would even be able to hear anything.

"A very deep breath." Matt spoke for the first time after going under, his voice coming out loud before mimicking the breath he heard.

Y/N frowned, looking around but seeing nothing. Seconds later, she felt goosebumps run down her arm and a wind on her right side, as if something had passed there and settled next to Matt.

"Love." Matt got the first word out.

"Is that why you're here? Because you love the hotel?" Sam asked from behind the camera.

"Couple."

"Are there any couples here with us?" Colby asked, pinching his lips with his fingers as he tried to think of possibilities, but there was no response from the boy.

“Are you referring to Y/N and Matt?” Chris asked suddenly, causing Y/N to look at him quickly, her eyes wide.

"Beautiful."

"Do you think they're both beautiful together?" Nick asked this time, resting his left foot lightly against Y/N's thigh, trying to keep her calm.

"Angry."

"Are you angry because they are a beautiful couple?" Sam asked, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Room."

"Wait, that makes sense. There was a woman in the room while Nick and Chris were doing the Estes Method, it was the same lady from the elevator, and she was very angry about something, just like she was when I saw her in the actual elevator." Y/N explained, lifting her head and briefly looking at Colby, who carried a concentrated look. "She was staring at me with hatred, as if I had done the worst thing in the world."

"Angry."

"Wow, that's the fourth time tonight that the same word has been repeated." Colby murmured, his eyes wide.

"Is the woman in the room mad that Matt and I are a couple?" Y/N asked with uncertainty in her voice. She didn't understand why a many years old ghost would be angry at their relationship.

"Envy."

At that moment, Y/N felt a new presence in the bathroom, as if something had left the room and entered there, it being filled with hatred. The girl looked up and saw the same woman, this time closer, looking at her with the same look as before, but for some reason she didn't try to touch Y/N, or she couldn't.

"She's-" Y/N's sentence was cut off by Matt, who repeated words again.

"Touch. Hurt. Y/N." Matt spoke the words without pause, his hands flying to the headphones and quickly taking it off, followed by the blindfold. "No, you can't touch her. She's not yours." Matt growled angrily, standing up and pulling Y/N by her arms, making her stand beside him, before pulling her tightly to his side and wrapping his arm protectively around her shoulder. "You're not allowed to touch any of us, especially her." The boy finished, his blue eyes traveled around the bathroom, as if he was trying to find where the entity was.

"What the fuck dude?" Sam quickly lowered the camera, looking at everyone there in shock.

Chris and Nick took a rigid stance, as if they were ready to help their brother if necessary, despite there being nothing they could do against a ghost.

“Are you okay, Y/N?” Nick turned, looking at her with careful eyes, trying to read the girl's expressions.

"Yeah, she didn't actually touch me, but it was intense... I'm just scared. At least she's not here anymore." Y/N sighed, leaning into Matt, who patted her shoulder affectionately.

"That was crazy man. I didn't think the night would turn into this." Colby muttered, stepping out of the tub.

"It's okay, it's over now." Matt whispered in Y/N's ear, embracing her into his arms. She took a deep breath, breathing Matt's scent in, calming her nerves down.

The ghosts really hated her.

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My asks are always open. Feel free to send requests or anything at all 🩷💋

[mrghostrat]

hey happy trans day of visibility. i'll get visible why not

i'm nonbinary, specifically genderfluid. i identify with this label because idk, even though i look back at my childhood and spot signs of dysphoria and gender fuckery, i don't feel like i was ever masquerading as something i wasn't. i'm just different now. and i may be different again in the future. i was a little girl then, and i'm a little bilv now.

i'm AFAB and just passed my 2 year T anniversary. i'm loving it, and just like putting together a pinterest board of hair and fashion styles to figure out how i wanted to present my truest self, starting T to change my voice and body and facial hair was just another step in that. i love how i look now and love all the changes T has brought me.

at this point i plan to remain on T indefinitely, but knowing a friend who took T for four years then stopped because she got to where she wanted to be, i feel safe and comfortable enough to stop if i ever change my mind. this is why visibility is important 💕

i don't plan on having any surgery at this point. i thought about top surgery for a while, but considering my fluidity and how much i've enjoyed tits in the past, i think i want to keep them in case i ever want to focus on them again in the future. this is the only thing i "struggle" with; how much i would like to have a flat flat chest right now, but know i may not want that in future, and surgery is so definite. thankfully i'm happy with binders and am small enough to live in a comfy middle ground.

i'm so grateful for all the trans art in the good omens fandom, especially @chernozemm's explicit illustrations that highlight how fun and sexy tcocks are. i did look into phalloplasties and matoidioplasties once before, but never felt as strongly about it either way, which didn't seem like a good basis for such an intensive surgery. now i'm less ambivalent about my genitals and actively love them

(i also suffered from vaginismus my entire life, until about 2 or 3 years ago when i started engaging with more nsfw content and must have just? exposure therapy'd myself out of it?? it feels like i didn't do anything at all and it just went away on its own, which made me personify my vag a bit, bc i'm so fucking proud of her. now we're finally getting along, i'm taking her to my grave)

keep drawing, keep writing, keep sharing. every little thing you put out there helps people like me love ourselves more, and hearing other trans stories only helps solidify how real and genuine we are for feeling the way we do about ourselves. happy tdov

[saintvainglorious]

My First Fanbind! A Black Sails Fic Anthology Series

It took me a year (and a lot of anxious research) before I worked up the courage to bookbind fanfiction, and after months of on-again-off-again work, my first fanbind is finally done!

I knew that if I was going to bookbind fic, I had to bind something from the Black Sails fandom, aka the fandom and show that have had the biggest impact on my life. Y'all, I almost went into academia to study slavery in the 17th-18th century Caribbean because of this show - when folks say this show rewires your brain chemistry, they are NOT kidding. THEE show of all time. Happy 10th anniversary to Black Sails! This fandom is small but mighty. May we continue to get our hearts and souls blasted to smithereens by this show for many years to come.

Ao3 abounds with magnificent Black Sails oneshots, so I decided to put together an anthology of my favorite Silverflint fics under 20k, which I split into two volumes. Included are works by @justlikeeddie, @vowel-in-thug, @balloonstand, @annevbonny, @francisthegreat, @nysscientia, and more! Thank you, thank you all, you brilliant wonderful people, for gracing the Internet with such amazing writing. When I read the fics in these anthologies I want to fling myself into the sun.

More on the design and binding process below the cut!

Vol. 1 Page Count: 270 (12 fics) Vol. 2 Page Count: 248 (11 fics) Body Font: Sabon Next LT (10.5 pt) Title Font: Goudy Old Style Other Fonts: IM Fell English, pirates pw

The typeset (which I did in Word) took a while, mainly because I'd never done it before. Manually adjusting the hyphenation line-by-line was especially tedious. After making these books, I abandoned Word in favor of InDesign, in large part because InDesign gives you way finer control over your justification and hyphenation settings.

Regarding my actual design choices, I'm happy with how the ocean motif on the title page turned out (it's not the same pattern as my endpapers, but they're complimentary) and I'm very fond of my divider dingbats, which are little swords! Goudy Old Style was a fun title font to use, since it's the font that Black Sails uses as its logo. The stories in Vol. 1 are divided into parts based on what Silver WAS at that point in the show (cook, quartermaster, or king), and Vol. 2 is split up into comedies, histories (AUs set in the canon universe) and tragedies - befitting Black Sails' Shakespearean ~vibes~.

I stuck to a flatback binding, as I wasn't feeling quite ambitious enough to try rounding and/or backing. I've learned that I ~Anakin Skywalker voice~ hate sanding, enjoy folding/sewing, and don't LIKE edge trimming but enjoy the results enough to make it worth it.

The real adventure was decorating the cover, which remained bare for months. After agonizing over Illustrator and experimenting unsuccessfully with HTV and lokta paper embossing, I ultimately turned to using stencil vinyl to paint on the designs. There was a bit of seepage under some of the stencils, but I was able to scrape off the excess with my Cricut weeding tool without damaging the coated surface of the bookcloth (probably Arrestox Blue Ribbon from Hollander's). Even though it was very time-consuming, I'm so happy with the end result of the stenciled paint job and I intend to stick with stencils for my foreseeable future binds.

Are there things I would change? Sure. It was humid out when I printed, so the pages have got a wave. There’s an extra two pages in Vol 2. that I have no idea how I missed, and I got a line of glue in the middle of one of my Vol. 2 endpapers. I’m pretty sure I didn’t case in quite right, since my endpapers pull away from the case at the spine. I think the inner margins are a bit too big, and despite going line-by-line there’s still some wacky justification spacing in the typeset. But man, am I proud of these books! It is so satisfying to learn a new skill - MANY new skills, if we’re being honest - and to make something both beautiful and practical. If I’m still binding in two years or so, I can see myself redoing the typeset in InDesign, cutting out the existing text block, and reusing the cases. I’m also already planning for Vol. 3, which will be Silverflint Modern AUs.

Thanks for reading!

[milktei]

Woah I'm new here in Tumblr but I'm glad I came across your blog! Not sure if you're accepting requests but thoughts on Angst/Comfort where trust issues comes after Atsumu (or Kageyama 🙇‍♂️) does something that upsets their s/o??

Man of Many Words

Miya Atsumu x gn!Reader

Genre: Angst with some fluff at the end

Warnings: none(?)

Requests: Closed for now :|

not edited

a/n: First of all i’m so sorry this took so long anon but I hope that this somewhat fulfills your request ;-;. Writers block is crazy I was pumping out one shots so easily and then bam I hate everything I write. The ending of this one in particular was difficult for me but i hope it suffices :’). anyways requests are still closed for now but i’m hoping to write something that will help the creative juices flow again

It is well known among Atsumu’s friends and family that he tends to talk. A lot.

It was something you found endearing about him when you first started dating. Whenever you were with Atsumu, awkward silences were few and far between. There was always something he could talk about it.

For the most part you were happy to listen and talk about whatever it was he rambled about that day. His limitless passion was part of why you fell in love with him.

Still, the habit of his had some drawbacks.

“Oh, congratulations by the way!”

You turn your gaze away from the restaurant window and look at your friend in confusion.

“Congratulations on what?”

It was your friend’s turn to look confused, “On the big promotion silly!”

There was a pause as you took in their words. “How do you even know about that?” You spluttered. “I just got the news a couple days ago. I was planning a big announcement and everything.”

“Oh I ran into Atsumu at the grocery store yesterday and he told me!” their gaze softened when they saw the defeated look on your face. “I’m sorry I thought he would’ve told you”

You waved your hands in front of you, “no no it’s not your fault… I’m not very surprised at this point. I was just hoping to wait for all the paperwork to go through before telling anyone.”

“Well if it’s any comfort I’m proud of you y/n.”

The smile you gave them was bittersweet, “thanks.”

———

Needless to say, you were a bit peeved when you got home that day, though your boyfriend didn’t seem to notice.

“Hi babe! how was lunch?” He called from where he sat on the couch.

You stared blankly at the back at his head for a moment, “fine.”

“That’s great! I was thinkin’ for dinner we could order out ya know? This commercial came on and-“

“Why did you tell f/n about the promotion?”

He paused and finally turned to look at you. Taking in your frustrated state, still, he shrugged, “it seemed like a good time.”

You let your bag fall to the ground before fully stepping into the living room “Atsumu I told you that I wanted to wait, it would have only taken another week.”

Now standing up from the couch, the confusion that was evident on Atsumu’s face only served to fuel your anger.

“But this is such exciting news y/n! There’s no time like the present!”

“Atsumu that’s not for you to decide! That was my news to tell!”

“Like you said, you were gonna tell them eventually!” He raised his hands up in surrender, “I’m sorry but you know that this is just how I am! I was just so excited for you I couldn’t help myself.”

You left that fight defeated that night, unable to think of any comeback, because yes, you did know Atsumu. You knew how your life was never your own being with him. You knew the extent of just how stubborn he was and how ignorant he could be to the world around him. Trying to wrap his mind around something could feel like pulling teeth sometimes.

After managing to get through a tense dinner, life went on. You did end up celebrating with your closest friends and family and soon after you began to take on your new responsibilities.

Unfortunately, Atsumu continued to act as if he hadn’t completely crossed a boundary you had set. He continued to talk about your lives with his friends it seemed that you couldn’t go a full week without somebody asking you about something you never told them about.

The pure helplessness you felt that day remained lingering within you as you carried on with work. You found yourself almost dreading going home, and contemplating not telling him anything.

But how could you when everyday without fail he would grace you with that smile, oozing with love and fondness before sweetly asking you, “So how was your day?”

You were in a bit of a mess with yourself, trying to figure out how to get your concerns through his thick skull. The new role you had taken on further adding to the stress you had been feeling. While you loved your job You were both physically and mentally exhausted.

It was only a matter of time before everything became too much.

To the horror of you colleagues, you had ended up fainting at work. You had finally succumbed to everything in your life that had been piling on top of you.

Luckily, it wasn’t long before you regained consciousness, surrounded by your colleagues you sat up and slowly and rubbed the back of your head sheepishly.

At that moment some paramedics had rounded the corner and while you insisted you were completely fine, you allowed them to check you for injuries and give you some fluids, it wasn’t until they were sure you were stable and didn’t need any further help that they left.

As embarrassing as the entire situation was, you were glad that your boss let you have the rest of the day off, it was near the end of your shift anyways. So you grabbed your bag and left, still mortified at what had just transpired.

As you rode the train home, the events leading up to you losing consciousness replayed in your mind, you thought about everything that had led up to that point. How your coworkers reacted. As you sat in the quiet train, your mind still struggled to process what had happened.

Even with your spiralling mind, everything led to one conclusion.

You couldn’t tell Atsumu about what happened, at least not today.

Because you knew him. You knew exactly what would happen.

It would start with the texts from worried friends, calls from both of your families, and end with people mentioning off handedly, “I heard you fainted the other day. How are you feeling?” and you would be left to do damage control as your boyfriend continued to live his carefree life.

You could tell Atsumu “don’t tell anyone this” but you knew better. You knew better than to trust him and his big mouth. How could you have any other option when he’s never proven that he could listen?

So you would stay quiet. Long enough for you to recover from your lingering headache, long enough for you to process everything that had happened and figure out how to prevent it from happening again.

Long enough to be able to finally relax without worrying who you were going to get a text or call from.

Even with your mind made, the universe seemed to laugh down at you, and make life much more difficult for you than it needed to be.

You nearly cursed out loud when you saw his car in the driveway. He was home early too.

You sighed as you slowly unlocked your front door. The sounds of the TV growing louder as you stepped in.

Atsumu turned back and gave you a look of confusion as you took off your shoes. “Hey babe, wasn’t expecting you ‘til later.”

You smiled at him “I could say the same for you.” you slid your feet into your house slippers “I got a lot of work done today and my boss let me go home early, why are you home?”

Atsumu shrugged “Practically the same as you. Been makin’ a lot of progress at practice lately.”

You walked in front of where he sat and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. even with how your relationship had been going, at least this was something you hadn’t lost.

Atsumu wrapped his arms around your waist and looked up at you, “did you eat yet?”

No. I was so busy at work that I kept postponing my break. You thought to yourself bitterly.

“Not yet, I decided that I might as well eat at home if I was leaving early.”

Atsumu hummed, “I haven’t either. We could order something and then watch some movies? Take advantage of our free time.”

You smiled down at him, a relaxed movie day with him was exactly what you needed. “I would like that a lot ‘Tsumu.”

You pulled slightly away and he whined, causing you to laugh softly.

“I’ll go take a shower and you can order whatever you want, ok?”

His pout grew back into the loving smile of his as he nodded, “Can I use your phone? You always have coupons.”

You nodded and he allowed you to fully pull away. Reaching into your bag you pulled out your phone and handed it to him before making your way to your shared bedroom.

It had been maybe 20 minutes of Atsumu scrolling through the various restaurants (he’s very indecisive when it comes to food) before a text from who he recognized as one of your coworkers popped up.

“Hey! Hope your feeling better. We managed to get everything done so there’s no need to worry for your next shift.

Also remember to seek medical attention if anything feels off. I know you were cleared but you hit your head pretty badly.”

He froze as he read the text over and over. He didn’t even realize how much time had passed until you came walking out of your bedroom with a relaxed smile on your face.

“Soo, you decide on a place yet?”

You were met with an extremely uncharacteristic silence, your brows furrowed as you looked at your boyfriend staring intently at your phone.

“Atsumu?”

The next thing you knew, Atsumu flipped the screen to you.

“y/n what is this? Medical attention? Did something happen?”

Your eyes skimmed the message and you froze.

“…O-oh there was a bit of an incident at work that happened before I left. No need to worry!” you tried to wave his hand away and mustered the calmest smile you could.

He looked unconvinced.

“y/n…”

You felt your resolve crumble where you stood. The accusatory look he gave you full of worry, and worse, anger.

You sighed shakily, “ever since the promotion I’ve been finding it hard to find time to really relax so…” you looked away, unable to look him in the eye due to your guilt. “I ended up fainting.”

Atsumu shot up from where he sat, “You passed out?!” his hands frantically grabbed at your shoulders, trying to get you to look at him “You should have told me right away! I could have picked you up! Who knows what would have happened if you fainted again on the subway. I can’t believe you lied, you were just going to keep this from me? Why? Why didn’t you tell me-“

You pushed yourself out of his grip, “Because I didn’t want to!” you huffed, tired of his tirade, “I admit that I was fully content with not telling you.”

His hands dropped from your shoulders and you almost broke at the sight of his crestfallen face “Why?”

You took a deep breath, “I was…scared that you were gonna tell someone.”

There was a moment of tense silence. “You…you could’ve just asked me to not-“

“Could I Atsumu? Could I really? I’m not sure if I believe that, especially after you told me that that’s just who you were and that it was unavoidable.” You paused as you realized you were raising your voice, you looked away in shame. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. It’s just that sometimes I wish that our business could be our own Atsumu, even for a little bit.”

You took his silence as a cue to keep explaining yourself.

“I needed time today to finally relax for once and process everything. I can’t do that if I have someone new calling me every five minutes to make sure that I’m okay. I want to be able to worry about my own wellbeing, without having to manage other people’s. I can’t do that if you tell everyone you know what’s happening in my life.”

Atsumu’s continued silence began to worry you. “Atsumu?”

Without warning you were pulled into the familiar strong arms that could only belong to your boyfriend.

“I’m sorry y/n.” he mumbled into your hair “I thought I was being supportive. I just love bragging about to to everyone and letting people know how we’re doing. I never really thought about how that would affect you. I’m sorry I made you stress out so much.”

You smiled into his chest and hugged him back “I’m happy that you understand ‘Tsumu. There’s nothing wrong with gushing about me, I just need you to understand my boundaries.”

You felt him nod “I’m sorry again I’ll do my best.”

You could already feel yourself relaxing again into his arms “that’s all I’m asking for Atsumu, thank you.”

You let out a sigh of relief as you held each other. It felt as if a massive weight had been lifted off your shoulders.

The tender moment was interrupted by the sound of a stomach growl. There was a stunned silence before the two of you burst into a fit of laughter.

Atsumu looked down at you with a gaze that filled you with an indescribable warmth, laughter still evident in his face. “How ‘bout we order and finally relax for the night? Just the two of us?”

You smiled fondly up at the man and nodded “Just the two of us.”

[flymetosnarryland]

A little progress.

I'm working on "Infraction." My precious baby, uh. This art is part of it in a way. Eileen Prince and Tobias Snape. When people are falling in love everything seems easy, but then life happen.

(I'd like to talk about how things are going with Infraction.)

I'm back on it since couple of weeks and working on it is intense (my brain is literally boiling). I don't think I ever planned a story for that long. The first idea has born 6th January this year. I was writing down (like crazy) everything I wanted to be in this fic. During first months it was chaotic and messy, but brought me so much joy. When I've had everything that (I thought) I needed, I wrote first chapters, yeah. And then shared them, because was so excited about all of it and just couldn't wait. Gosh.

Now I... hm... well, maybe not "regret" it, but I think, I totally should have wait. Why is that? First thing first, this story is not ready yet for being written in, you know, final version. It's too fat, lol.

I may want too much from it. There is a lot, like, seriously, A LOT of things to cover. First notes took me around 80 pages and it had many gaps in it (too much if you ask me). Things I needed to figure out and fill in, in the same time making everything work together. Because this Snarry is not sprinkled with crime. It's filled with murder, political shenanigans, family shiteshow and tough, not always appropriate, love. There are secrets and lies, blackmails and history that matter. Backstory of many people, whose actions over the years supposed to bring us to the point where we are now. And, you know, all of it gives me the thrill. First time in my life I feel like a true Puppet Master.

So, couple weeks ago I started to write a proper outline, if I can call it like that. To put everything in order and, going from the very beginning, to fill all the gaps. To answer all the questions I was asking myself in notes. To figure out the missing clues, some details without I couldn't go further and with that - to find out how characters will change facing new situations. How they will grow (I really love this part). Sometimes I think, "why am I even doing it?" I could just write some cosy, little fic where Harry and Severus' silly problems would be the main goal of the story. Like, focusing on them should be enough, right? Why am I going for all the other things, if I just want them to shag and have their happy end after all? 😂

Well, if it's not for fun, I don't know the other reason. The level of excitement is just incredible. I don't know, if what I'm writing is good or bad. If it really has sense, because I've always seen myself rather as a potato, not as a great mastermind who can plot some good shite, you know. That said, "Infraction" feels even more challenging that I ever thought it will be. But I feel deep inside that I can do it. Going step by step where the main plan leads and... it just feels good.

I've started in October 1989. Now I'm in January 2011. It means that I managed to finish everything that happen before the fic starts, lol. And, actually, I almost covered the first part of the book. So, two more to go? Hehe. It'll take time, yes. It's crazy how much I want to continue writing the main chapters, not only swim in the plan-phase. Drawing the series of "Muggle London" art helped me a lot with easing this itch. However, it's still there. I know, though, that I have to finish it. The whole outline, I mean. Without it, things can go south.

That said, I can't tell how long it will take. Couple weeks? Maybe months. This is really... a lot of work and I want to be proud of it. Even more so, because this fic means a lot to me. I know it may not be, you know, mind blowing or something. But I hope that giving it all my love, it could be, you know, not that bad for reading, hehe.

[insertsomthinawesome]

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! Okay so honestly I have been very very inconsistent over the years with just disappearing for periods of time due to various things 😂 So it probably seemed pretty normal to most people.

But it felt different on my side, so I'm excited to be back in business. I took a month long hiatus! 31 days of not drawing digital art. Its not something I talk about on here? But I've been suffering from some serious long term Art Burnout for.... a really really long time. Long enough that I should've taken a break probably years ago. It finally got so bad that I could barely draw. I was scared to do it (cause it always looked "bad" in my eyes [i'll come back to that]) and doing it was exhausting and disheartening.

I talked it over with somebody and realized that the fear and anger and frustration I felt towards my own artwork was uh. Not Normal or Healthy. And I finally committed to taking a real break for once.

I still drew a little bit by hand? Traditional art has always felt like it has lower stakes for me (i don't often share it online, and sometimes I don't even share it with friends) so I did some of that when I felt like it. But Digital art was completely off the table.

I had put such an immense pressure on myself to make my digital art perfect, to make as much of it as quickly as possible to satisfy something. It wasn't fun anymore. I'm proud of what i've made over the years! But for a long time now the stuff I've been making was made while hating every second of making it. With some rare exceptions.

I hated my art! It was a combination of Perfectionism, taking in too many external expectations, and the burnout. If you hate doing something its kinda hard to love it even when you want too lol. It wasn't "Bad" in the sense that the quality was low and it was ugly! It was "Bad" in the sense that it was unhealthy for me to keep doing it at that point in time.

I'm glad to report though, that with my hiatus officially over as of Wednesday last week: I am once again. In Love. With doing art, and being an artist :)

I put off taking a break for years cause I was scared that taking a break would mean that I would never achieve all the things I wanted to do with art. I was scared it was a stupid and lazy thing to do that would mean I'd never achieve my dreams. And Also even though I kinda hated drawing, I also loved making art. Its a weird duality that I can't even really explain??? I hated it but I also loved it. I wanted it but I also wanted to run from it. It wasn't until I was more mature and had more clarity and insight (and unfortunately also until the problems got worse) that I was finally able to let go of those fears and just do it.

And I'm really really glad I did. It was everything I needed. And I hope to strike a better balance in the future with art. Taking more breaks when I need them, or just when other things have my attention like reading or Video games (Some star rail got played during this time xD)

From the outside things probably aren't going to be that different?? At this point I don't really have any sure plans to post anything I've been drawing since my Hiatus ended. I might or I might not xD I'm still a hobbyist artist taking things at her own pace, but I hope that it shows how much happier I am :)

Whumptober 2023 is being officially put to rest by this post btw! I was in major burnout when that event started, and I'm ready to just, move on from all the past expectations I'd shoved on my shoulders. If I feel like filling any of the prompts or going back to any of the ideas I'd come up for it I will! But I'm not going to worry about doing it unless the desire sets in. Thanks to everybody who's been so kind to me throughout my time on here as an artist! Ya'lls tags and screaming and kind words, the fanfic, the asks and the responses? Its been fantastic :) You guys have made me laugh, smile, and cry tears of joy. I hope from here that things only get better and sweeter! And if I have bad days again, that's okay too.

Here's to 2024 and whatever it may bring ya'll :D 🎉🎉✨✨🧡💜

[meanbossart]

Some art-advice asks I've been meaning to reply to!

I use Clip Studio Paint Pro, though I'm not sure what tips I could give just in general. Just experiment with new things often, draw as much as your lifestyle allows, watch how other people do their work but try to avoid "Dont do THIS thing ever" type lessons and tutorials. Use as much reference as you'd like and take your time! To this day a simple sketch can still take me several hours to do depending on what it is.

Thank you so much!!! I didn't do any kind of formal art schooling but I've always been inclined towards arts and crafts, and started taking drawing semi seriously when I was about 17 (I'm 27 now). I draw a lot of inspiration from western comics and my favorite artists are jason shawn alexander and sean murphy.

Oh I'm so flattered to hear my stuff's inspired you to take up drawing again, I have a bunch of little crafty hobbies but art is by far the most fulfilling one to me - largely because you're constantly learning and improving.

You're definitely onto something already, I am constantly looking at other people's art (even If it isn't a style I would want to emulate) and analyzing how the pieces come together to create the final product. In my opinion this is pretty much the best way you can go about learning besides real-life reference drawing. You can even take something into your software of choice/print it out and trace it (just to yourself, of course) to get a sense of hand-motion and line use.

As a beginner I think there's no shame at all in taking heavy inspiration from your favorite artists, as long as you aren't straight up copying things and calling them your own. Your personal style Is likely to come out naturally, with time. That's very much how I started myself!

Also, just be patient with yourself, try to have realistic goals for your skill level while simultaneously being proud of everything you do. Even if you absolutely despise a drawing, you still drew something! And even if it doesn't feel that way you most definitely learned from it. Use learning tools and tutorials to whatever point you feel comfortable with but don't get stuck on people's arbitrary rules - unless we're talking about something tangible like real-life application of traditional art tools, things like anatomy, perspective and light are to be referenced from - but It's not the goal to emulate them 100% unless you ARE going for hyperrealism. As someone who uses a ton of reference these days, I can tell you first-hand that I often find myself straying from it on purpose to make a piece look more interesting.

Lastly, draw things you enjoy! Don't let anyone else dictate what you SHOULD be doing and don't fall into the trappings of wanting to stick to one specific style, process, or subject matter.

Good luck!!!

LOL thank you so much for your very evocative compliments! I haven't ever done a timelapse, not that I remember at least. I'm not sure how they work but I do so much of "I'm gonna try this thing 5 different ways and then decide what I like" that I'm not sure how comprehensive that would be LOL

I could put together a process showcase or something though, I feel like that might be better even, since I get to explain a little of what I'm doing through text and display how I use reference. Something to consider!

[dragonflydestiny]

Letter from your Soulmate 🌻

My second pick a card. This pick a card is going to be about letter from your soulmate. What would they write to you?. Would their letter respond to yours? (you can reread 'your letter to your soulmate' in my first pick a card I post earlier). Let’s find out. Pick from 1-4. Thank you.

P.S. This is a very long pick a card for me and I put in a lot of work so I would be very grateful if you could tip me, only if you have the means to. It would encourages me to do more. Thank you so much.

Disclaimer: This is meant as entertainment only. Takes only what resonate.

My Master Lists

💌

💌 Letter 1 🦋

The Lovers, The Chariot, Father of Swords in reverse and 4 of Pentacles (back of the deck).

To (Your name),

I knew from the moment we first met, I felt a sense of familiarity. Your presence alone brings me a feeling of nostalgia. When our eyes meet, I feel like I am existing in the present, the past and the future all at once. It is very strange, and for a brief second it feels like time didn't exist. At that moment, I’m sure was confused. Hesitantly, I introduce myself to you, half expecting you to somehow recognise me and say that we've met before. I'm sure we did, this meeting doesn't seem like it's our first. Would you believe me if I say that there are histories and memories of us buried deep inside waiting for us to uncover it again?. It wasn't love at first sight with you, but more like remembering I have loved you all along. All these time I was waiting for you to show up, a piece of my puzzle I was missing and when you did, I felt so relieved. Yes, I thought to myself, I know it's you, it is going to be you. My soul recognises yours because it is the same stars that we were born. Even though It took us so long to meet, I know I would've been much more happier if we've met earlier.

Before you, I used to dream about having someone by my side, someone I can experience both the joy and pain of life together. And we would travel to every corner of this world but I guess I was naive. My biggest and most painful lessons came from those desires. Through the union with my past person, I had dealt with such malice and hostility. Loving another person became a game, it became dangerous for me. I learned it the hard way of how not to love someone. I'm not proud of what I did and what I had to do to get out of my previous relationship. But that story had long ended. I didn't know it myself but I was searching for you. I was searching for you in everyone that I'd dated/met. But with my past person/people we couldn't see eye to eye. We lacked communication and eventually drifted apart. At those points, I start to wonder if that is it in life, was that my peak of happiness. And sometimes, I'm not going to lie, I did believed that was it. Nothing else can make me happier, until now.

Finally, now I can see the sliver lining. I used to resent my past choices and always play the blame game, if only I'd know that those same choices I made would lead me here to you. I would've been more than willing. I would've been able to make peace with it sooner. Like I said before, if we'd met sooner, I would've be a very very happy man/woman. But I know life doesn't work like that. Seeing you makes me want to try again, to give this 'love' thing another chance. To practice lessons that I learned. I still have a lot to learn but it is very hard for me to hold back from pursuing you. Just know this, when we first met, I wanted to go after you right away but half of me know that I am not ready. I still need to learn to be patient and less impulsive. I need to learn to see situations from different perspective and to control my emotions. I tend to let emotions blind me from seeing things clearly. I can't go to you yet if I don't learn these things. So please wait for me, know that I will find my way back into your arms again.

The torments and pains I will have to face, I will face them with courage and determination just to be with you again. And when I am lost, I will find myself again with your love. Although I don't remember our love, I have never forget it "cause I loved you than and I love you still". I can't wait to remember how to love each other again together in this life. I already know though, that I am right behind you in all that you do, I pray for you to be safe and taken care of when I can't be there with you. When your heart breaks know that mine break too. I promise that it will be easier once both of us let go of things that are too heavy to carry. Gently, I will go with the flow, like a river then eventually meeting the vast ocean, where it is wide and free. And what it is that you have to say I will listen to you, my heart will be open and ready then. Ready to listen to you and only you.

With love,

(Their name)

Channeled song from them to you: Woodlock - I Loved You Then (And I Love You Still) "And I'm right behind you in all that you do. And I spoke with God. He’ll Take care of you. Find me. Stone on a hill. Cause I loved you then. And I love you still."

💌

💌 Letter 2 🌷

6 of Swords, 9 of Cups in reverse, Son of Wands and 6 of Pentacles (back of the deck).

Dear You,

Life was hectic lately but thankfully it is getting calmer. I can finally see the rainbow after the storm. Now I want to take a little get away trip for the weekend to celebrate the end of this tough cycle. It was difficult because of the work that I do and unfortunately there were misunderstandings as well. So much was going on, I was up the wall and didn't have much time to write to you before. Even though, it is settle now, I am still not satisfy with where I am at. Between you and I, I want to confess that I am unfulfilled, with my life, with my job and with what I do. I would never say this out loud or to anybody about how unhappy I am with my life. There is so much conflicting energy around, both on the outside and within me. I tried so hard with my work, my business, working slowly towards my wish but I don't see much progress. So now I am frustrated. I wonder if you can understand what I am going through or at the very least sympathise with this frustration too.

Thankfully, slowly it is getting better but it took a lot out of me and now I am burnt out. I need to rejuvenate or else I won't have time or energy to meet you. I need to rest to revitalise and go on a vacation to somewhere nice and relaxing. I do wish you could come with me. After the rest, I will come back stronger than ever. There's this new project that I want to start. Even though I have to wait to be replenish first, I am just so excited to get it started and I want to tell you all about it. But sometimes, I can get ahead of myself and tend to focus a little too much on the future such as what I have to do next. It's hard for me to focus on my rest when all I want to do is jump start on my next project/adventure right away. Do you have something you are passionate about as well?. Don't you get these impulses too?

All in all, I work hard and I always want to play fair to others. I would tell myself to be kind and treat others how you want to be treated. But unfortunately, some people just want to screw you over. There were times where my kindness were being taken advantage of and it did led me to my downfall. I used to give too much but it only left me with nothing and for that I learned to hate unfairness and unfair people. I still resent those people who took from me and left me out in the cold. I will be hesitant to give because of my past and I hope you can be fair to me and understand my hesitancy. I also want you to know that it was hard work and it still is hard work for me to learn to be kind to myself. It was because I was being unfair to myself first that allowed others to do the same to me. For the longest time I ignored my own heart and in turn, I was the cruelest person to myself. But I thought I was being selfless, ultimately those 'selfless' acts I wrongly perceived only led me to resentment and bitterness towards others especially when they don't give back to me what I have given them. And when my cup was empty, my demands from other was out of hurt and desperation. It was not an easy realisation coming to term with the fact that I was mostly responsible for my own misery.

It was a hard lesson but I learned it now. To get away from the turmoil, I stopped ignoring my heart and I strongly urge you to do the same. Choose and act with love, follow your truest desires because I believe it would eventually lead you to me. Please believe that your purest desire will never lead you astray, it will forever guide you. I believe that to be true for me and in turn, I believe in myself. I will also believe in you too. When I look at you, I can see how brave and strong you are especially when you go after those desires. I truly believe you can achieve anything. You want to reach for the heights so don't be afraid to fall. I know you can see my wings and I fly high in the sky but "little birdie, you are also a bird in my eyes, when will you realise that you can fly too?”. So let's fly and conquer the world together and when your wings are tired, I will carry you. Just like you, before I was a flightless bird, scared to fly and scared of the heights but when I learned that my wings wasn't broken, only disregarded, I began to daydream of all the wonderful things I deserve. Things of divine essence, I began to daydream about you, "to dream of you even when I am wide awake". To be curious about you and see with my own eyes how will you spread your wings and start your flight because I want to be by your side. And this letter to you will be proof of my daydream come true.

So see you in a while my little bird.

(Their Name)

Channeled song about them: Iron & Wine - Flightless Bird, American Mouth "Have I found you? Flightless bird, brown hair bleeding Or lost you?"

💌

💌 Letter 3 🪲

2 of Pentacles in reverse, 5 The Hierophant in reverse, 2 of Swords in reverse and 10 The Wheel of Fortune in reverse (back of the deck).

Dear (your name),

It’s truly harder now for me to believe in true love. There were chains of events that led to my pessimism. Changes that weren’t pleasant. I understand that two people can love each other but eventually, they will change and become a completely different individuals. So what then, would that two specific people love each other’s new selves still?. Do you think they will still love each other?. Because I don’t think so. They might’ve loved that person for the person they used to be but that doesn’t mean they would love their new selves as well. Because of these facts, I am scare of change, people changing, it can break a relationship, taking away people you used to care for most. They can change into a completely new person and you wouldn’t recognise them anymore. So you are forced to mourn the death of that person’s old identity and be forever parted. As you can tell, I have a negative connotation with change, it is one of my deep rooted fear. However, deep down I know that change is very necessary. But this fear is still lingering and deep within me, subconsciously affecting how I view my life and my relationships. So, If I change, would you still love me the same?. Or would you resent me instead?.

Nonetheless, I do find the growth rate of a person fascinating, whether it’d be spiritual growth or emotional growth. But I have to admit that it also scares me. Subconsciously, it terrifies me. To think that one day people whom I loved and know most will turn into strangers and become unrecognisable. So I am scare to go deeper and to open my heart. I am afraid that I would be left behind if I am the only person in my relationship to open up. I would become oblivious to the mask my partner can wear. I don’t want to be oblivious to the fact that truly, I didn’t know the person I was with at all. They never show me who they truly are but is only pretending to be somebody they’re not. It is very hard to come to term with this fear especially when it comes to choosing a life partner. So if I open my heart to you, would you let me in and crack my guarded heart open?. Would I be able to be vulnerable with you?. Teach me to show you “the stranger” in me, even if I resist. Do you have a part of yourself hidden away as well?. Would you let me see too?.I want to be brave together and get rid of this blockage we both have. Blockages of our secrets and truths that we didn’t want to face. We hide part of ourselves because we are insecure, we don’t want to be judge because of how we look or how we live our lives. I didn’t want to be judge, only accepted. So I pretended to be someone I’m not just to fit in and over time I, too, became a stranger to myself. I regretted a lot of my past decisions because it was chosen through falsehood. Failed relationships were also a result of that as well. Ironically, I became the manifestation of my deepest fear. It is funny how the universe works. But not anymore, because with you I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. When I get to know you, you accept me as I am and you make me value my true self. You don’t judge me and you let me live my life. The least I can do is to give you the same respect.

So, no more falsehood, no more illusions. I start to become greedy with life again. I decided to disregard my miserable destiny and doom mindset I had curated for myself. I want to face the truth and become my authentic self even if people do judge. I want to stop waiting for the wheel to turn, I want to gather all my courage and turn the wheel myself and become the master of my own fate and the captain of my own soul. You can do it too. The universe had been silent with me for far too long, I asked for guidance, for a message and I received none. I asked them to show me who I am and what my life purpose is, there was no answer. I felt lost and I became passive, just letting life dragged me along. I can no longer sit back and waste away my time anymore. Let’s take control of our lives together, you and I, realise that because we are more than capable of forging our own path and choosing our own directions. We are both so worthy. We are worthy of love and success, worthy to receive love, to give love and becoming successful. I don’t want to be indecisive anymore. I used to believe that my opinions didn’t matter, no one cared. I was also scared of the consequences it would cause. Because decisions can be life altering, it could change the course of my life path, for better or worse. I was scared of that risk so I shifted the accountability and the responsibility to the divine and by doing that, I also shifted my own powers. And my life became really really dissatisfying. I don't want to do that anymore, I want to break the cycle, I want to be empower. Now I learned to respect myself and my decisions. I will respect your decisions too, without judgement. Whatever you will choose, whatever it is regarding, know that I will support you no matter what. You are so worthy of everything, loveable things I want and will give to you and I'm sorry if you and the people around you couldn't give that love to you before. Yours and mine’s journey are mirrored and all those past "could've beens" and missed opportunities taught us enough pain to not let it pass by again. Still, I am so proud of both of us for everything we have to go through.

All the promises I made, in this and last lives, will be kept. The promise that we will protect each other, that we will be safe in each other's arms. No wrong or harm of me turning into a stranger to you and stop loving you. When I know you, I can never stop loving you. If you or me become strangers to each other, I'm certain that I will fall in love with you again and again and again. Because our bond is spiritual, it goes beyond this life time. A stranger we will never be because you are a part of me, a piece of my soul. We will live this life together like we did the last. Although I know this to be true, I am sometime skeptical. I will ask for proof that magic is real, that you are real. But we both know that we have to believe in magic to see it. And I will, I will believe and trust in this connection. I will try my hardest to have faith and believe that it is meant to be. And when we face difficulties, I will make my choices with love. I will make decisions with your heart in mind because "my heart is so full of you I can hardly call it my own". And when the time comes for me to be with you, I would know that my internal fire was guiding me all along just like I had asked. It will be proof that magic is real because my choices eventually lead me here, back to you where I have always belong. Won’t be long until we meet again.

From your biggest supporter,

(Name)

Sorry no channeled song for this pile.

💌

💌 Letter 4 🌹

Sorry I forgot to write down your tarot cards 😥

Dear my love,

Lately, I’m suffering a lot, especially mentally. Things are not doing so well. My dreams turn into nightmares and now all I see are dark visions. I don’t think my future look very bright. Am I destined to fail?. All these fears creeping in every night and they are eating me alive. I feel like everything is against me, all my friends turn into enemies. Slowly, they’re waiting for my downfall. When will these sufferings and struggles end ?. But little by little, through these sufferings, I get a spark of clarity. Especially when my demons come into light and manifested in people around me. I can see how demanding, power hungry and greedy they can be. People around me mirror back what I don’t want to become. When I interact with them, I realised that I am stronger than I thought. If I can deal with these malicious beings, I can deal with anything. I can face hard challenges. With will and determination, I can get through a lot of obstacles. Overthinking and worrying wouldn’t do me any favours. I can learn through these hardships, learn to become more resilient. And every time I have to face those negative thoughts again, I will fight against them. I hope you’d do the same and remember this my love, “the clouds in your confusion comes from your own mind and thus, it can only be taken away by your own mind”. And when you are aware of this, clarity will come. With clear visions, you can learn to ”bend the world to your will”.

Unfortunately, for me, my cycle of self-destruction haven’t end. It is still lace and exacerbate by my environment. When I asked for help and support, it was only met with betrayal and abandonment. All my life, I was left alone. People had abandoned me and now I nearly abandoned myself as well. All these doubts and fears run too deep, they were instilled in me since childhood. People around me have hurt me and now the pain has become unbearable. I couldn’t take the pain and the anxiety anymore. I decided it was best for me to leave and go my own way. I distanced myself from everyone around me. If you are curious about my past, forgive me if I am reluctant to share, it is still hard for me to revisit them. But more importantly, I want to tell you that I have started to work on myself. Controlling those fear-based thoughts. I sit with those thoughts and instead of being consume by them, I entertain them. I try to find and see different perspective to these worries. I ask questions to find the root, to find objectivity because most of these fears are so subjective and self-induced. And someday, I hope, my mind would become my greatest asset instead of my biggest enemy. Slowly, I will learn to do exactly that. I will work through the self-sabotaging thoughts, slowly changing my narrative. To really believe that things are not against me but they are actually working in my favour. And positive mindset will help me build harmonious relationships, with myself, my friends and most importantly, with you.

I want to work on myself because I want to show up as my best for you. I want to be there for myself and stop this cycle of self-abandonment. I want to be brave, strong and confident. To know that one day, I can show up for you and help you fight against those negative forces too. I want to be there for you wholeheartedly. To tell you that you are always supported, by your spirit guides, by the universe and by me. You are never alone. I want to tell you that I am proud of you for fighting with your demons and thank you for when you would help me fight mine too. You have never abandon me and I will never leave you. All the hardships I will fight through it with you. And every time you smile, it only gives me more reasons to fight.

I want to transcend and face whatever life throws at me just to see the light ignited in your eyes again. My dark visions turn bright when now I see that you are a part of my future. You have lend me the stars in your eyes so I can walk through these dark roads, you are so kind. I have never felt a love so powerful. All those pains I’ve been through, when I saw you, I feel like I’ve finally awaken. At last, you brought me light and shifted my world. My world is new and the whole sky light up. You are my light, my sunshine. Through your light, your presence, your being, it is warm and bright. “Everything looks different now that I see you”.

You brought me true love and true happiness. Your name replaced the word “love” in my vocabulary. I can say that I learned so much from you, I learned what true love and true compassion is, it is surely the definition of you.

Your true love,

(Name)

Channeled song from them to you: Found by Zach Webb “I, I found life When I found You”, “All the times that I cried, I know. You were there. Holding me tight”

💌

Thank you so much for stopping by, please do not hesitate to comment and leave a tip if you want. Any constructive criticism is also appreciated. See you on the next pick a card, you can leave any topic suggestions.

Kind regards,

- Dragonflydestiny 🪲

[drippingmoon]

Merry new year to everyone, again! 🥳💞🥂

I know it wasn’t an event this year, but writing a yearly wrap-up is really therapeutic, you know? So I decided to continue the tradition, and if anyone wants to join me, absolutely view this as an open invitation^^ Introduction is over, and now let’s see what 2023 looked like:

(spoilers: I adored it. I'm also probably going to make this my fixed post, in case anyone ever wants to catch up with me. And also because my second baby, AoS, is growing, and it doesn't have an intro, but I can't leave it out.)

Stats

Aquiver, Aglow: 181k (draft 4) + 195k (draft 5) + hmm, draft 6 is an outlier, because I didn’t rewrite from scratch, so I’m unsure of the written word count. I didn’t change much from draft 5, so I’d say an extra 15-20k. Total word count: 376k+

Remains of a Night: 120k 

Aberration of Sunlight: 134k

This was definitely my most productive year to date. And I got so hungry: the more I wrote, the more I just wanted to keep writing, and honestly? I’m proudest of myself for literally carving writing time whenever I got a spot into my schedule. Mostly it was from 8pm-11pm, but I had a mad run where my only free window was from 1am till I literally felt I was dying… I’ll talk about that separately🤣🤣👌

Though, I'm seriously understating it.

Like a lot of other people, I would have all these hours when I was younger when I didn't have anything to do, yet I'd still find some excuse not to write. "I'm waiting for the right time." "I'm anxious I'm not going to get it right." "Tomorrow! Tomorrow I can start right from the morning, and I'll have more time to write, yeah?" or "I'm too tired now, it's late..." and so the snowball rolled down and downhill and I found every reason under the sun not to write, now that I think about it. Sigh. So much time wasted. But I can't regret it either, because I needed those baby steps at that time.

And now! Now I do what I thought I'd never learn to: I prioritize, and I actually organize my daily stuff so it's not so impossible anymore to have a little bit of writing time. I don't take it for granted either. It feels like such character growth for me, I'm immensely proud of it.

And for the record? This year was a huge improvement over yesteryear mentally, too. It turns out, what I needed to get over my word count anxiety… was to be faced with people who literally didn’t give a fuck about it, and just cared about the story. One of the most unexpected things beta stage managed to do to me… was to quench all my anxieties. It’s as simple as that. I read and enjoy very long books. People also do that. So, I’m very happy to say I’m no longer in a tizzy about ‘quiv. It might kill my chances for trad publishing, it might not. I’ll be happy come what may.

Because it’s so simple how working on ‘quiv or thinking about it makes me joyous, and now I can just enjoy that freely. I will miss writing this story so much. I really will. But at least I’ll have it forever to reread, and I hope this thought brings comfort to everyone who also has problems letting go, like it does to me.

Let’s break it down a little, shall we?🤩

Aquiver, Aglow◇◇◇

My little star of the hour. How fond I am of it.

Like you could glean from above, ‘quiv went through three drafts this year. More specifically: in the first part of the year, practically almost as soon as February arrived. I knew it was getting closer to the final version, and gave me the push to finish all three back to back. I couldn’t justify anymore the bazillion AUs I do with rewrites (basically, WHAT IFs from events, WHAT IF it went this different way, WHAT IF Tyrone actually said this here… and so on and so forth. I wanted to test out as many pathways as possible, and did I exhaust every one of them in existence? Definitely not. I don’t think that can happen, you just keep getting new ideas. On and on. What happened, instead, is that these couple different pathways, at some point, cemented themselves as canon in my mind. I didn’t want to tease myself with alternatives anymore, and that’s when I knew they would be it. Some bits from the first draft, some from the third, some from the second. Some were even draft 6 originals!

It’s a bit of a weird process. I definitely didn’t need to reach draft 3, and meet Mezusa, because I could’ve feasibly made it work with just Yles in the story. It still would’ve made sense, though in a different way. But if I hadn’t… I might’ve missed one of the best characters I’ll ever probably have created, and the story (and Yles) is much stronger for her, if you ask me. 

For that matter, yes, full rewrites every single draft might take a lot of time and effort, but honestly I don’t think I’d ever change my writing process (save for the moments of frustration when I think I will lol) because of the sheer satisfaction of it. Whoever said so long never to settle on the first version, I owe you a beer and probably some curses as well lmao, but very lovingly. You shaped my writing life.

I don’t have much else to share about ‘quiv, other than it’s off with my beta readers my beloved, and maybe a tentative promise that, if anyone wants, you’ll be able to read this precious ball of hope of mine relatively soon. This story is so gentle to me. And as much as I loved to write and work on it, I dearly hope that whoever decides to give it a go, is treated just the same. That’s the only wish I have.

I also don’t know if I’ll go trad or self-published. Instincts say trad, because I fuckin’ suck at marketing (fact), and I know I’d grow resentful if I’d have to put so many hours into advertising when I know I could instead… write. I’m a writer. That’s the only thing I know how to do. Trad, however, might not be as kind on a ~200k as life’s been, so I might not have a choice. If it comes down to that… I’ll just treat it as I do everything. I don't love this story any less if I just write, publish without a fuss, hope that maybe, just maybe, a reader or two will stumble upon the story and we could talk. Maybe we can have the fun of our lives, create some genuine connection. I know that’s applies to a lot of writers. I hope we can accomplish it.

And so, I’ll finish this section of the wrap-up with a kiss to my ‘quiv, for all the warmth it’s ever brought me. It’s come so far, I know it can live distinct from me from now on. It brings me great comfort. And I look forward to the times I’ll reread it, and we can relive our best experiences together. Never thought I’d get to this point. Thank you, ‘quiv.

Remains of a Night♤♤♤

Mwhahaha! And because ‘quiv took all the pressure, this left AoS to be an extremely fun and spirited experience. Literally the chillest I’ve ever been writing. In many ways, it’s more my thing than I expected ‘quiv to be: I get to murder characters left and right, it’s more plot-heavy and banking on the tension created by a creature that horrifies the characters down to their marrow, but still the only way to defeat it is to know it better, which, uh, might have unpleasant consequences for them. It’s got chase and stealth scenes, and it always shoots me with adrenaline to think about them. In short, exactly my jam.

It’s not a new book, nope. You knew it before as Aberration of Sunlight, but from the get-go I felt it would be bigger than ‘quiv. Very fortunately for me, I had a place where to break it, and behold: there’s RoaN (book 1), and AoS (book 2). There might be a third book, which I dearly hope not because titling sucks, but it depends on the Sycamine arc. More on that in AoS.

One last thing to note, before we delve into the story (hoo-ray for earlier drafts, because I can talk more frankly about them). This is the culprit of my 1am writing adventures!!😫❤ My schedule became too packed, then NaNo came round and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to honor how AoS began, because it was last year’s NaNo, aaand I’m happy to say I won NaNo, somehow, with 56k down before I died. At that time, I only had one section left to write (from both books), otherwise, hahahaha, yeah, it wouldn’t have flown. Still, most of draft 2 I’d written in September-October, with my fairy lights, late nights, and cups of hot cocoa, exactly like how life should be<3

Alright. We’re going through them chapter-by-chapter again, exactly because I love seeing the titles so much:

ACT 1

Cracked Visor, Scorpion Grass

I did it! I did! Twas another shower thought I managed to get down in time. Bare broken sentences, but they did the impossible, and arranged this chapter into a structure I adore to bits and won't ever change. (And 'quiv's naughty voice left me alone for once and I could write it properly!) While I don't think I'll ever be happy with a first chapter (not as a concept, but the writing — part of me will always wish that the reader just had all the information already lol), this one is in the right place.

It pays its respects to the story of the broken helmet at the foot of a spaceship, and how it reconnects Madigan with all the people who'd suffered from being tethered to the planets when they yearned to fly, but the Beast punished them cruelly for it. It makes him feel phantoms of their efforts. The tone is exactly what I needed this story to start from: melancholy and numbly hopeless, against the backdrop of the Beasts's echoed cries.

Rain Through the Universe

Unlike 'quiv, because RoaN and AoS are way more plot-heavy, it's not as easy to change things willy-nilly (whereas 'quiv was all about character bonds and dynamics). As such, it's very similar to draft 1. Because of that, I'll frankendraft next (select and combine drafts 1 and 2, rewrite to connect them) and afterwards I'll try something I've always wanted to. (Scrivener keeps hinting at it!) I'm gonna split the chapters into scenes, and focus on those individually and how I can just rewrite them and set their purpose in stone<3 I'm excited!

As for the chapter itself, gods, I love the atmosphere. Just the wreckage of a sundered ship, and Madigan’s sudden madman appearance making a lasting impression on Spica, because how could it not. They no longer answer distress calls in that age, it just means more dead bodies. In fact, they're forbidden to. Madigan instead brings him what he himself lacks: hope. And a lot of crawling around while dreading the Beast's lambent eye opening, and oh my, the moments are really flying by😈👏 extreme fun for me as the writer.

Aberration of Light

If you remember, the books follow two timelines, which will connect at some point. The first and main one is Madigan and Spica’s story. The other is Holloway’s, in the distant past of that universe, and who’s been dubbed the most selfish man in existence. That’s important, because of how the Beast came to be. But that becomes important later. For now, a weird-ass new recruit has joined the ship, and the witchy crew will very soon start making bets if she’s the Beast in human flesh, which really wouldn’t bode well for their future.

Night Falls On Their Reflection

Draft 2 became Spica’s draft. It was high time. He didn't exist in the original idea beyond chapter 2, but he refused to die with his story untold. And now he's one of the most independent thinkers I've ever written. Now he's Madigan's son (yes, even at 25), best friend, back-to-back partner all in one, and I could watch the trust and mutual respect between these two forever. To be sure: Madigan comes up with the dumbass plans, and Spica's only too happy to follow him through everything (it is good fun.)

He's repaying the incredible kindness Madigan's shown him when answering his distress call, after all.

But it goes a bit further than that, doesn't it? Madigan is used to watching over myriad people. He's the Superintendent of his planet, and while he genuinely loves people, kindness is his default. It doesn't go further than that for him. He doesn't necessarily think people need, much less desire his presence there beyond Madigan extending help, and most of the time, he's content with that. Kindness does make him happy. And it should be the same with Spica now, shouldn't it? He's kind, but he's not Spica's family, nor ever will be. Yet he immediately feels a connection with the boy, that has nothing to do with bonding over escaping-a-cosmic-disaster. And so does Spica.

This is the moment when Madigan starts feeling guilty, for stepping where he should not. But here's the beauty of Spica's character: he's nothing if not dead sure of his own feelings, and what he sees with his eyes. It's okay if Madigan keeps unexpectedly taking steps back. For very long, there'd been nobody to support Spica's beliefs. So he does the same, as when he followed his heart to go into dead space: he believes in himself and Madigan, and that their paths aren't meant to diverge. They mean too much to each other for that to ever happen.

(In short, and legend says you can still hear me screeching about these two ten thousand years later, I love these two so much, and especially the parallels between Spica going alone into outer space and loving Madigan.)

(And, okay, obviously all these developments don't happen in a single chapter, but I couldn't stop gushing🤭🥰.)

Who Puts These Tombs in Ice

Overall, I think draft 2’s Luitgart performed worse than draft 1. Mainly it's the setting I want to revert (still an icy, sempiternally dark hell, but with different ice constructions) because some of the beats are a huge improvement, and again, I gotta combine the two. Otherwise, I’m still as obsessed about the Luitgart arc as I’ve ever been, and huge thanks to it for being so strong it could function as an ending of its own, allowing me to split the book.

Gettin’ into spoilery territory, but I have to un-kill Madigan so many times it leaves me in hysterics. That was what I was supposed to fix this draft. It got worse. Considerably.

(One constant: the chapter being a love letter to Madigan, and how his first answer will always be to help the other, no matter if they deserve it or not<3 and finally, finally, he gets acknowledged for it, and the favor returned.)

ACT 2

Lemon-Dotted Days + Remnant

Two Holloway chapters! I’m actually massively pleased with how they’ve turned out. Last year, I said the main issue was that I had an outline, and that never works for me. So I did what I do best and rewrote everything from scratch, and the result is both uncanny and… unexpected.

Unexpected, because I never in my life thought Holloway’s voice would make me laugh so much. He’s supposed to be unsympathetic, but then you get his interactions with Saintlark (the new crewmate, possibly Beast) where they’re contemplating the harvest of a nebula, and he’s harshly critical of it, which gives Saintlark hope… only to go deadpan One Moment Later: if they’d used the nebula to prolong their lives instead of bolstering the war, they wouldn’t have died like clown idiots. 

And, they could’ve maybe stolen immortality from the nebula. They would've had to share it with him, of course. Or he would've murdered them to get it.

That, my guys, is his personality in a nutshell.

I have a lot of feelings on Holloway now, and most involve me huffing and slapping my forehead while groaning, but oh my gods. Was it ever so fun. And wait, wait, wait. Since I'm talking of humor (apparently a lot of comedy fit into this horror lmfao) I have to show you guys the following section🤣🤣👏:

Corpse Snow

The drifters are set howling on the ice. They share glances, five separate vehicles nodding at each other. Madigan revs up the engine, splitting the air with a jet of steam and vibration.

The last of the marines are climbing into the box. A figure flashes past Madigan’s drifter — and he leans over, teeth grinding because of his ribs, and he does his very best to grab someone by the back of their suit and pull. Workout days were never his strength, though. He only succeeds in stopping them in the frost smoke.

It’s Spica dangling from his hand, expressionless.

Lieutenant Hahn instantly seizes on the situation. He throws Madigan a long, withering look. “Whatcha doing, Boss?” he asks softly, about to unhinge his jaw again.

Madigan nudges Spica into the drifter. “Picking up your boy.”

Spica gets the hint and deposits himself into the front seat, glancing from his father to his Superintendent. He seems to give up on whatever’s going on, and makes himself cozy in the frosty spot. And Madigan, of course, pretends not to notice Hahn’s drifter sliding closer.

“And you didn’t consider I might want to have my son with me?”

Madigan looks up and sighs. “Lieutenant, dear Lieutenant,” he starts pleadingly. “Why won’t you show some leniency to a poor, wounded man?”

Hahn’s drifter stops, summoning a breeze across the icy floor that gently rocks the other vehicle. His breathing distorts the comms with static. “And what exactly is my son right now?”

“My trusty navigator,” Madigan answers easily.

“Sir’s emotional walking stick?” Spica pipes in at the same time.

They both look over. Spica’s quietly turned to the navigation, as serene as daylight, seemingly oblivious to how Madigan's expression changes, lightning-fast. He quickly hides it under the guise of a polite mask, as the marines stir and turn their attention on them. They’re snickering.

Lieutenant Hahn throws up his hands, giving up on everything.

This is also the first 30k chapter I’ve ever written. It's everything I've ever wanted to do with ice.

Heart of the Void

The end of the book. Originally, it was the ending section to Corpse Snow, but since it already got so ungodly long, I chipped off that bit and I have to say I’m very happy with how it works as an epilogue! So it ends the frosty, weary journey, and I can’t see the two books as separate yet, but here we bid goodbye to the first.

Aberration of Sunlight♧♧♧

I did the unthinkable and created a fifth arc. This might not seem like much to you, but I was screaming bloody murder you guys😭😭😭. Sigh. It’s so sigh. For so long, AoS consisted of four clear-cut acts, but it was necessary. With the introduction of Sycamine, and making it two books, it was just needed. It’s still one of the worst things I’ve ever done because I was used to four😃💔

(The chapters continue from where RoaN left off – from chapter 10, to 21.)

ACT 3

Retro Spectrum

Sycamine, oh Sycamine. Definitely the break I needed before Days in Darkness. It made for a really neat beginning. It’s calmer, focusing on the knowledge they have on the Beast. It’s also a reflection on Procyon (their main star) and the story of the two straggler dog constellations, and what they'd been running away from. I liked the direction it took. It veered away from the Beast for a bit, so the tension kept expanding in the background. And when it returns, well... maybe they shouldn't have been so eager to see it again🤭.

It suffers from the same syndrome as draft 1’s first chapter… it’s there in the vicinity of the idea, but too much to the left. Not bad for a first attempt. The setting annoys me – I really don't enjoy writing cities, and AoS didn't change that. So, for our next try, I was thinking... maybe we don't need to be on the planet, but up close and veeery personal with it. It's a secret❤.

And, oh gods. I put a moustache-twirling villain in this. And then I couldn’t stop myself from naming some sucker Sweetman Calories. I don’t know what happened to me during those days, but I’m crying🤣🤣🤣.

Toast to the Light

Holloway and Saintlark’s story is slowly coming to an end. Unexpectedly bleaker than draft 1, yet it feels much more sincere. Holloway has a way of saying everything Saintlark needs to hear. No surprise. They did that to themselves.

Dissonant Recognition

Ahhhh, the Madigan-is-slowly-losing-his-grip-on-reality chapter, or maybe he should really stop staring into the suns. One of my favorites<3 Also because it features Moren (!!!) who has a blast staying in the grey morality area, because she doesn’t know if her actions could ever matter, or if she could change anything. Does she just exist? Is she a player or just pawn? Who knows. Besides that, she gets along great with Spica. They form such a teasing duo, the level of mutual respect they felt for each other on sight was a delight to write. My favorite ally of theirs, even if her destiny lies elsewhere.

Night Beneath the Elevator

Best title hands down, dethroning Solgesis. I’m going batshit crazy about the visuals, it's exactly my thing. This half-light slanted over an elevator waiting in a rundown basement to be boarded. And there's something underneath it, and always has been. Something insidiously creeping up and waving its tendril fingers at you as you're just waiting for the fucking thing to ascend. Immaculate, guys, I'm telling you, and I'm cursing my hands because I can't make a wallpaper of this. I want to eat that atmosphere.

Time-sensitive missions, y'all.

And why the heck did nobody inform me I was going to add Command as an actual character and have them talk with Madigan?! That entire convo, made up entirely on the spot but somehow with a direction, made me realize what an idiot I’d been for not doing it sooner. They mean so much to Madigan, after all.

(And Mariya. So much Mariya in these chapters.)

ACT 4

Loop System

Like Who Puts These Tombs in Ice, draft 1 might’ve done it better. Not Spica and Madigan, though, because of the sheer development Spica’s been through and the dynamic he’s managed to form with the crew. It's different from Madigan’s, but similar enough that it’s got Hahn commenting lightly: [Spica’s] picked up quite a few habits from Madigan, hasn’t he? Almost as if they’ve gotten very very close, huh? How about Madigan tell him more?

(I adore writing Hahn.)

Outreach

Another Holloway chapter. Doesn’t have the punch of the kids subplot from draft 1, but this just makes it worse for Saintlark personally, because, this time, the consequences are on her.

Days in Darkness

I knew the moment I first got the idea this would be my favorite chapter. Well, it finally happened in draft 2: when the entire crew is here, this time, and ready for the final countdown, to relive the experience of being trapped in a ship that's disintegrating. No more heroes left behind. I'd been so tired writing this chapter in draft 1, but this time around it was incredible. Everything went up sharply from here, both in terms of events and how on fire I was.

(Maybe less than the gorgon, but I was.)

ACT 5

Echo Terminal

The first of the two log chapters.

I've never written smoother, more visual chapters than in this period. Days in Darkness changed me so much, I was writing day and night by this point and couldn't get enough. Well, I hit my limit in the second half of the very last chapter, but I am beyond satisfied. Even the Beast's metamorphosis took me by storm, because I'd been wondering what the final verbs, the final images, the final design for it was going to be. I didn't expect it to come to me this early, and with such thrill. Those were my very best days of the year, and I toast to them.

(And I knew it was going to be fantastic when Halo's Warthog Run OST started blaring in my head, with as much adrenaline.)

Where, Now? + Solgesis

My beloved. The second and last of the two log chapters, but it’s Noelle Saintlark’s log.

Holloway’s timeline ends here. Or maybe it just gets carried into the future. I thought I’d want to rewrite his parts again, make the plot just a tiny bit more psychedelic and nonsensical because it’s so close to the Beast… but Solgesis put all my fears to rest. Even the formatting and layout is a bit of that special thing I’ve always wanted to try, and it really changes the perspective of the previous chapters. There's a new confession that stands at the heart of Holloway's stories.

Honestly, the only thing that needs urgent working on is the anger at the end of the chapter.

Anger is so hard for me to write sometimes. Not because I don’t connect with it, but because I feel self-conscious writing it. The wildest I felt it was when I tackled 'quiv's chapter 3 and Imera's Turning speech, both in quick succession (before I'd even written draft 1. I'd been taking notes.) Since then... I just thing back to how keenly I'd felt that anger, and I kind of intimidate myself out of it. Kind of like a natural resistence, I quench it from myself. Which is actually hilarious when you think about it. It’s like I’m going I BANISH THEE FROM MY BRAIN because generally, as a person, I dislike feeling and operating on anger. But no worries. I’m going to find a way around it.

Watch me😎.

What Goes Around…

(Now it’s the time for me to start crying some rivers, and, alright, it won’t be visible so I’ll say it: the chapter titles are holding a conversation, guys. They speak to each other. And sometimes it’s both sides of the same coin, like how What Goes Around (comes around) hints here. If you take two chapters, one from the beginning and one from the end (for example 1 and 21) it'll tell you a little secret. Okay, What Goes Around and Rain Through the Universe communicate through their plot, which I can’t spoil but of course it has to do with Madigan and Spica and how they first meet… but there is one title pair that does it best visibly. 

Lemon-Dotted Days and Days in Darkness.

And I hadn’t even planned this. All the parallels I wanted to draw… I feel like they built themselves, guys. They really did, and it makes me so wildly happy I don’t even know how to stop my hands from flailing.

And, with them being 21 chapters, they meet in the middle, on the one unpaired chapter.

Called Toast to the Light.

I friggin’ love everything.

New Sunrise, Forget-Me-Right

Of course, Forget-Me-Right is a play on Scorpion Grass. But it’s also such a gentle name for the chapter, because everything ends here. Lying on their backs, staring out into the universe, and it really, really is over. Just a dark horizon on which stars flare and bloom. And suddenly, that maddened rush to make every sacrifice count, to remember every soul they’ve encountered because the legend says the Beast absorbs you when it kills you – all that suffocating pressure dissipates. Lightness remains. Because they’ve protected each other.

For the first time in my writing journey, blood rushed to my head with such emotion I had to stop writing, which never happens. I had to look up and exclaim, holy fuck. But how could I not, considering how the story ends for the Beast? I am speechless. A lot of gorgeous surprises this draft.

Conclusion□●□

Whew, what a year it's been! As for how 2024 will probably look like, though I don't like making plans: finishing the beta stage for 'quiv, and tackling RoaN and AoS's draft 3. Thaaaat one I'm actually starting on Christmas, when I can (finally!!) reread draft 2 with my mug of hot cocoa (or maybe mulled wine for a change) and, no surprises here, I'm hyper stoked for that<3 <3 <3 I legit can't wait to see where the new draft brings them. I might not have set any expectations for them, but they're vying to keep up with 'quiv and I adore it🤭❤

As for my lovely friends... well, you know by how I spam your tags how much I adore you and wish you happiness forever🤩🥺🥳 I don't know what my activity will look like in the near future, so for now I won't be saying anything, and my semi-hiatus continues. Semi, because you're unforgettable and I crave to see what everyone's been up to and (!!!!) what you've written!

So let's meet in 2024 again, and all the best wishes to you, the reader🥰🥂❤.

[flanaganfilm]

Hey Mike! I'm really sorry to hear about your experience on Hill House. I do a lot of work in VFX in pre/prod/post and I know that sort of production that feels like a sinking ship day in and day out. I do hope you have found some catharsis now that it's over.

The show shook me. Changed me. Made me reckon with myself as a storyteller and as a person. All for the better, I assure you.

I hope to one day tell such an impactful story of my own, either through one of my short films, or through the novel series I'm writing/illustrating. Which brings me to my question: How do you navigate the complexities of having authored a work that did so much harm to yourself but also did a lot of good for others? What lessons do you hope aspiring storytellers like myself take from your difficult experience? Thanks :)

Thank you for saying this.

It's true, HILL HOUSE was a very negative experience to make - but I will always be profoundly proud of the finished product. It's some of my favorite work. I may never again face down something as challenging as episode 6, and I love the impact it has on a lot of its viewers.

There's a weird thing that happens when you finish a project - it really ceases to be yours in any way at all. It belongs immediately to the audience, and they're given an experience that you will never have. When HILL HOUSE came out, I didn't watch it - I'd seen it hundreds of times by that point, but at the same time, I've NEVER seen it.

Every frame of it is informed by my experience making it, or my intentions, or the compromises we made here, or the line we cut there that I wish we'd kept, or a bad day on set, or a problematic actor, or a visual effect we never quite got right (there are a LOT of those in HILL HOUSE, some of them still make me wince.) So I'm never able to WATCH the show. It's a tradeoff we make all the time - if you're lucky enough to make a movie, or a TV show, that's the price of it - you'll never be able to watch it.

But, I get to see how it affects other people. More than anything else I've made, HILL HOUSE seems to have the largest and most passionate fanbase. (BLY is a close second, though that's a whole other blog entry - I could write a book about the complicated, fascinating experience of the BLY fandom).

But with HILL HOUSE, I'd hear a lot from people who lost loved ones, who navigate complicated family dynamics, and who have wrestled with depression or grief. It means the world to me. It's a strange divide, as I'll never see the show that they saw - but I am so grateful that it touched them the way it did.

I'm just about at the point where I think I'm capable of sitting down and truly watching HILL HOUSE. It takes years sometimes. I've watched a lot of my early work, like HUSH or GERALD'S GAME, and finally had the experience of really SEEING it. But HILL HOUSE has always felt a little too raw, and my memories still overpower my ability to separate myself from it. Maybe that's changed. Maybe I'll give it a shot this year. Half a decade seems like enough time.

But yes, it is complicated and strange with all of them. I so badly want to watch MIDNIGHT MASS, the project that was the most personal to me - but it flew off into the world just like they all do. I spent a decade working on it, and felt it flowing through me every day - like it was a part of me. But the moment the show was done and released into the world, it wasn't mine anymore, just like all the others. I remember feeling almost knocked over when it departed, for some reason I thought that one would always feel like a part of me... but no. They're like children, they all have to go live their own lives, and they don't belong to you. Not really.

[misc-obeyme]

I didn't realize Lesson 19 was happening today, but as soon as I figured it out you can be sure all my other plans for the evening got tossed out the window.

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I had more to say than I thought I did. And I'd already wrote the whole thing, so I was like I don't wanna break it up into multiple posts now!

Spoilers below the cut as always.

I'm going to lose my whole mind. There is no way that this isn't the "visiting and kissing every brother" scenario that happens before the end of a season. And yet I still have SO MANY QUESTIONS.

I am very much under the impression that we are not going to be leaving the past by the end of season one. Which is ANNOYING. I keep thinking about the brothers in our present timeline. I might have to write some angty story about it to make myself feel better.

But also, what're they gonna do? Send MC back to the human world? I mean, every other season has ended that way...??? Maybe it's different because we're in ~Nightbringer~ now. We'll see I guess!

Anyway, this lesson certainly wasn't bad and there were a lot of interesting things happening to these past versions of our bros.

AUGH THE BROTHERLY LOVE IN THIS LESSON THOUGH.

Okay, so this is not really the same as how they were in the OG, but I think this makes sense considering how much time has supposedly passed between the two timelines. I mean, think about how siblings are when nothing's wrong and they're all just getting on each other's nerves most of the time. Then think about how those same siblings might band together when things get dicey. That seems to be the family dynamic we have going on here.

Leviathan, my sweet boy, I really loved how he reassured all his little bros that everything was going to be okay. He was so confident and firm in his decision in this lesson, too.

And then the way they were all surprised about it was so cute, too.

I just loved this whole moment.

Okay. And obviously we have to talk about Mammon.

This whole part really showcases Mammon and Lucifer's relationship, I think. To me, it seems like Lucifer is very much going to lock himself away, not talk to anybody about his feelings, and possibly prepare to do something drastic because he thinks it's what's best for his brothers without actually asking them. But Mammon knows this. He knows exactly what's going on with Lucifer. He doesn't have to talk to him to know. And he also knows what's going to help Lucifer. Not just the pudding, but sending MC with it, too.

Honestly, Lucifer does not give Mammon enough credit in general. Mammon is always doing stuff like this. And then throughout the rest of the lesson, he's being the big brother, too. It's like Mammon thinks that Lucifer is the one who carries all the weight on his own, but really Mammon is the one keeping that family together, I swear.

The thing about it is, none of them will do anything without Lucifer being on board. And Mammon knows that, too. So he's like okay I'm gonna send this human with some pudding to talk to Lucifer and because those are two things that Lucifer really likes, he will probably get it together enough to make the decision we all want him to.

And I think Levi understands this, too, to a lesser extent. He's over here trying to make the younger bros feel better while Mammon is trying to make Lucifer feel better.

Okay now we have to talk about Satan.

First they hit us with the Satan telling everybody to leave him behind and go back if they want to.

And then this part where they all call him out on saying he's not their brother.

And then when he finally admits he wants to be their bro and Asmo hits him with the I'm so proud of you... when I tell you I was tearing up...

I want to point out how Asmodeus and Beelzebub are the two who chimed in with these lines after Satan says he wants to be their brother. Because I think these two are the most open with their feelings in general. While Belphie will be quick to call someone out if he's annoyed with them, both Asmo and Beel are quick to praise someone. It isn't just that they're happy he finally said it, they understand that he needs their reassurance in that moment and they have no problem giving it.

And all of this was so good! It was such an excellent culmination of all the stuff that had been leading up to this point regarding Satan and his relationship with his brothers. This is exactly the kind of understanding and closure I want to have for all the other weird junk that we have no answers for yet! I should be grateful we at least got this, I suppose!

And then Lucifer makes it all crazy with an explanation I thought we'd never get about what it was like when Satan was "born."

I think it's pretty clear that they're saying exactly what some people were pointing out in the vampire event. Because Satan got vampiritis even though it only affected fallen angels. And I was definitely like that doesn't make sense! But some people said well considering he came from Lucifer, Satan probably has angel in him. And you guys were right! Because I'm pretty sure that's what Lucifer is saying here.

He may have never lived as himself in the Celestial Realm, but Satan has that same angelic power in him.

Lucifer's relationship with him is really quite interesting. I know he says he thinks of him as his brother, but... the way he talks about him... to me, it still sounds like he thinks of Satan more as his son. But I think it's easier for the game if he's one of the seven brothers lol. I personally headcanon it as Lucifer just doesn't want Satan to feel any more out of place than he already does. Also, that's kind of the familial relationship that all the former angels have in mind when it comes to each other, since they have a collective Father figure and I know Lucifer doesn't want to be seen as anything close to that entity.

And then Lucifer talks about how his decisions have caused the others to suffer. And I think this comes back to what I was saying when I was talking about Mammon - the rest won't do anything unless Lucifer makes the decision. Mammon knows this and Lucifer does, too. He talks about how he almost made a huge mistake because he was thinking about sending the others back to the Celestial Realm.

And I have two things to say about this:

One: Lucifer shouldn't have made any decision without talking to his brothers first. He needs to stop shouldering all the responsibility himself.

Two: If he really thought they would have wanted that, he really hasn't been paying attention. Sure, they've had some conflicting feelings about being in the Devildom. But they've all said they made their own choice to follow Lucifer. Does he really think they would want to leave him now? And everybody says Mammon is the idiot.

But then he surprised me by admitting that he was ashamed for almost doing that. And he apologized to them all. I couldn't believe it!

And one of my favorite parts of the whole thing:

PFFFF if that isn't the Satan we know and love!

Anyway, all in all, this lesson gave us some things that I have been wanting. Very specifically, Lucifer told us what he remembered about falling and Satan's "birth." And I can't believe we got Lucifer finally being open and talking to his bros at the end. It makes me annoyed because why hasn't present timeline Lucifer done anything like that, huh?? But yeah, it's because a billion years have passed or whatever and he's older and crankier in the present lol.

[charliar]

Hi @thelaurenshippen and @thebrightsessions !!

I first started listening to "The Bright Sessions" in 2020. During lockdown I got really into audio dramas and after it's been sitting on my list for some time I decided to finally start it. And I haven't stopped listening to it since. "The Bright Sessions" became my favorite podcast ever and I couldn't even tell how many times I listened to it all. It got a special part in my heart.

I didn't like Oliver at first. Didn't pay much attention to him in "The Am Archives" and honestly I was kinda annoyed when he showed up in "The College Tapes". That was until episode 714. When I heard him say "Can you stay?" I couldn't stop thinking about it for the whole next day. In the following week I had this episode on loop. Right now, I can basically quote it all the way through. These three words completely changed my view on Oliver and from that point on he became one of my favorite characters ever, in all kinds of media. Him and Mark got me back into reading, as well, as writing fanfiction which I am so utterly grateful because since lockdown I struggled a lot with reading and writing. I've got absolutely obsessed with Mark and Oliver to the point everyone around me knows who they are. It's been years since I got so attached to a character or a ship and I'm so happy it happened to be them.

It's my birthday this week. Last year I decided that I'm going to get my next tattoo as a gift to myself and when I was talking with my sister about my future tattoo plans I said I really want to get something related to TBS but I don't really have any idea. So when she suggested a quote I knew exactly what I'm gonna get. So I did. I got three words that had such a impact on my life even though they aren't something you'd expect to do so. This quote means so much to me and I'm so incredibly happy and proud of this tattoo. This podcast means so much to me and I'll forever be grateful that it exists. So thank you Lauren and thank you to the whole cast and crew for creating something so incredible 💜

[rationed-passion]

Experiment 3c

As the Executive Vice President of Advanced Research Projects here at Rationed Passion, I've been overseeing some of our more experimental work. A number of devotees have bravely volunteered their time and dignity to furthering the work of Fully Clothed Denial. Our latest experiment is Experiment 3c, which we deliberately made a little tricky to find. Part psychology test, part lingerie-focused honesty bar, with a little bit of tempt-and-tease thrown in. Some of the feedback so far includes:

I am so sorry, I accidentally viewed bra and panty pictures. I know that this type of viewing is not for me. I did not celebrate but immediately went back to allowable viewing material. I promise to stay away from adult material.

Which is the right response, I'm sure you'll agree. Another more forlorn message was:

I wanted to let you know I celebrated to unapproved material

A real disappointment this, from someone who had been doing ever so well until then. They've redoubled their efforts since, pulling away like a Trojan to appropriate material to get their conditioning back.

And what would an experiment be without a control point from our regular lab rat:

It's me , Ma'am feeling like I'm reporting to detention . Why did I scroll past? Simply because it was the forbidden fruit . I wasn't supposed to have . I love lingerie pictures . Even though I've been female nudity free forever. When much younger I liked lingerie catalogs instead of porn. I didn't even think about playing with myself.

Well we all love lingerie catalogs, but your days of enjoying those are long gone, aren't they?

Finally, and upon 'fessing up to finding the page without scrolling, one lucky little devotee was invited to scroll anyway:

Thank you for my reward. My reaction to these images is one of arousal. But it makes me seek out fully clothed pictures to indulge my 'celebration'. I imagine the lady in the top image waiting for my 'reaction' to her beauty. When it doesn't arise, she dresses to leave and notices the more she covers up, the more I 'react'. This of course gives her an understanding of who she is dealing with and leaves me to my celebration.

And on that happy note, what better place to close this post? Keep up the good work everyone. We're very proud of you.

[murder-cookie-dust393]

Can we get some more Creme Brulee Cookie content, that cookie's a power house in my team- I was thinking since there were hints about him and Linzer Cookie being in a past relationship, what if y/n Cookie did like CB but didn't pursue him bc of his history with Linzer?

I have requests from late December, how embarrassing. I'm such a bad writer for not feeding you guys for like 3 months-

Old Photos

Tw: murder

You dejectedly sigh as you stare at the ceiling of your room. Thoughts filling your mind: negative ones. You didn't like the thought of Linzer with Crème Brûlée. But who were you to interfere? She was clearly more valuable to him than you ever could be. Even if you were his biggest supporter.

But it still hurt. You wanted to be with him. Cheer him on for his performances; ensure he was well cared for. Sure you could do so as his friend. But you wanted to be much more than friends.

You didn't have the place to interfere. You shouldn't interfere. It's wrong.

Those sentences repeated in your head as you lay on your bed. You wanted sleep to overcome you, but your mind seemed unwilling to let go though. You needed to move on. There was no point in clinging to a future that wasn't even possible.

Until you hear a distant knock, from your front door. You turn your head in the direction of the hallway, before slowly rising from your bed and walking out the door. You glance at the living room clock: 2:43 AM. Who would be knocking on the door at this hour?

You saunter to the door, looking through the glass. Your eyes widen slightly: it's Crème Brûlée. What was he doing here? You open the door, and immediately you're encased in a hug far too tight.

...Was your desperate mind imagining his embrace? Oh, how pathetic you are.

"Crème Brûlée? What are you doing here?" You utter, your voice scratchy from not getting out of bed for the last 3 hours. Why was he holding you so harshly? Did something happen?

"I love you. I swear, I can't believe you looked at my photos from three years ago." He bluntly states, his tone almost seemed as if he was offended. His hair brushes against your cheek as he buries his head into your shoulder.

"What?" You blink. Absolutely frozen. Did your mind just manifest your biggest wish in front of your face?

The door is still open, the cold breeze freezing your body only in sleeping clothes. He speaks once more, now his tone less brash and more soft, "Darling. My darling. Linzer is hardly a thought in my mind now. I've realized you are much better suited for me." His head nuzzles your shoulder, holding you against him.

"Wait. Wait. Does that mean..." You trail off, not having the confidence to even say it. It's impossible. Your life had never gone right when it came to love, so why would it go right at this moment?

"I love you. I've loved you for the last 3 years. Now stop hiding from me." He nudged you over the couch, not giving you a moment before coddling you. He should become a koala at this point.

You wanted to say more. It doesn't matter though. You were too ecstatic to even begin forming words. Finally, your mind calms and you fall asleep: exhaustion taking over. He was warm. Like you imagined him to be.

An hour passes by, before a sudden grin forms on the usually quiet Crème Brûlée. He caresses your head gingerly, loving the feel of you in his grasp.

"Finally, you've come to realize. I should have killed that terrible Linzer earlier, otherwise, we would have been happier earlier. No matter, we can be where we were supposed to be...together." He closes his eyes too as he continues to snuggle you.

You were too blinded by your love to notice why Linzer never was over at his house since three years ago.

——————————————————

Wow! I got this one done in one sitting. I'm so proud of myself. Usually, it takes multiple sittings to do requests. My attention span is non-existent.

- Celina

[avelera]

Apologies for screaming into your askbox like this but

EVERYTHING YOU SAID ABOUT BENIOFF AND WEISS IS SO FUCKING TRUE AND I AM SO GLAD SOMEONE ELSE IS FINALLY SAYING SOMETHING

As someone who read the Game of Thrones books (probably younger than I should have...but that's beside the point) the sorts of things that the two Ds decided needed to be added for the sake of "realism" or "accuracy" was ALWAYS just an excuse to brutalize someone. Be it kids, be it women (though in GoT is was usually women) and so much of it was not in the books!!! Like, sure, the books have accrued a reputation for being brutal, and they totally are...but they never seem as gretuatus in the way that David and Dan seem to revel in the crualty. Utterly original characters are introduced for the express purpose of being killed or assaulted, and it makes watching Game of Thrones a harrowing experience.

I'm not surprised that this has continued in their other work, in so many ways, the bloodlust became their calling card. I am deeply thankful that most of the other places that had been courting them to make projects have dropped them.

I will say in defense of the no doubt huge team who worked on Three Body Problem that it's not a gore fest or anything. There was a lot I've enjoyed in eps 1-5 (which as far as I've gotten at the moment) and scenes of violence are hardly the only thing that happens (though umm... maybe be prepared for the opening scene. It's also a doozy.)

Anyway, as I see it, Benioff and Weiss's sadism is more like... Tarantino's foot fetish. It doesn't consume the entire story, but when Tarantino does a loving closeup of feet you're like, "Ah, there it is. I was wondering when that would show up." If B&W work on something, like it or not, they're going to mash the cruelty button and heighten the cruelty of canonical scenes (if it's an adaptation) in order to try to get a reaction out of the audience. It's just how they work. For some audiences, that might even be a feature, not a bug!

The thing that makes me so frothing at the mouth enraged about Benioff and Weiss is how fucking coquettish they are about their sadism. They always act so fucking surprised like they're shocked that anyone would think that the gore and the horror were the point and what drew them to the story (I know, I'm just repeating my post at this point but STILL--!).

Look, when I was a teen, I totally first started writing angst to sort of... express this vein of sadism in myself in a safe outlet like fiction. I wanted to make people cry with my writing. So I'd do things like just kill off all the characters and be so proud when a reader said they were sad after.

But that's just... really flat and amateurish angst, y'know? There are so many more sophisticated and meaningful ways to create emotion, including sadness, in an audience other than just killing off all the characters or torturing them.

But I feel I remember enough from those days (I'd like to think I've long since grown out of that impulse) to know a sadist when I see one? And Benioff and Weiss's storytelling, to my eyes again, is simply sadistic. It glories in watching people in pain and it finds ways to exaggerate that pain and the chance to exaggerate moments of pain is what draws them to the stories they like to depict.

And that's fine. Plenty of horror creators revel in gore and cruelty and it's an entirely worthy art form!

But for the most part, those horror creators know what they're doing and they're open or even joyful about the fun they have creating these horror stories! Enjoying creating horror stories or depicting suffering or even being sadistic, particularly in fiction where no one is actually getting hurt, is perfectly fine.

I just fuckin... wish Benioff and Weiss would admit that's what it is goddamn it makes me INSANE.