#i am soooo fucking sick of having to deal with doctors every fucking month!!!!

[wickedhawtwexler]

society if we went back to having amphetamines available over the counter

[chronic-confessions]

Confession #3,258

Part 1 - no support from family for boyfriend kind of

Ever since day one my parents never have supported me or thought I was “faking” my pain. I used to miss a ton of school because in the morning I would wake up and feel so nauseous and sometimes vomit, I would be so exhausted and still tired or wake up with headaches and be so tired throughout school id fall asleep in class, on the bus, and come home and sleep for five hours once I got home from school. They used to force me to go to school because I had to and the whole time they thought I was just faking it so stay home and sleep in. Then when my stomach problems started coming up my parents thought I was faking it again and complaining about my stomach to go to the doctors and get notes and excuses to miss school. Especially in the beginning when the doctors couldn’t find much wrong with me. Until they did an endoscopy and found gastritis and ulcers and eventually did a gastric emptying test and found I have gastroparesis. N guess what? The doctors diagnosed me with all of this shit in-front of my parents and even showed the pictures of the ulcer and gastritis in my stomach and my parents still think I’m faking it. 

They always tell me how if I “ate better I wouldn’t have any problems” or “ if you wouldn’t of had went vegetarian this wouldn’t of had happened to you” and all of this bullshit. It pisses me off so bad especially since now here I am 20 years old and still suffering from stomach problems having flare ups and now new symptoms where two of my doctors thinks I have some kind of autoimmune disease possibly multiple sclerosis. I sleep so much at least 10-13 hours a day and my boyfriend constantly calls me lazy to my face. I just don’t understand how people can be in the room with me while the doctors clearly is saying there’s something wrong with me and then they turn around and talk shit like they don’t know I have chronic illnesses. My boyfriend literally told me that in the future he’s not going to let me sleep in because I need to be productive and wake up early and cook breakfast and do all of this shit and I actually cried because wtf. I have a ton of anxiety my doctor thinks I’m depressed as well and having no support or anyone to talk to makes it completely worse. I can’t even have sex anymore because majority of the time I get these SEVERE cramps that make me want to vomit and my boyfriend has seen me collapse on the floor crying curled up in a ball in pain and then asks me to have sex again the next day. I stopped working and I know my boyfriend doesn’t like it because he says shit like “ it must be fun to sit around at home all day especially if you get approved for disability, shit lay around and get paid for it”. It makes me feel so bad especially since sometimes I have good days and sometimes I have terrible days. Especially when I have a flare up and I’m really sick for a week this is why I don’t want to get another job. It’s like when I’m sick my boyfriend takes care of me but then when I have a few days where I’m less sick and feeling OKAY to do things he’s like “ why don’t you get a part time job”. Idk like my boyfriend is better than my parents but he doesn’t get it. He has these severe chronic painful migraines and I’m so supportive of him and do everything I can to help him and he should understand how I feel because he misses a lot of school and work because of the migraines but yet when I used to stay home from work because I was nauseous and having abdominal pains he would sigh and just be like “ so you’re really not going to work today?” And just make me feel really bad. I especially can’t talk to my sister because she’s called me a “hypochondriac” multiple times even though she has fucking diabetes since she was like 6 years old she should understand too. I hate how my sister and boyfriend both think because they still push through work and school that I should just “suck it up” and try to live a normal life. Don’t even get me started with the shit people say to me when I mention I want to file for disability. My parents,friends, and boyfriend all say something along the lines of “ you’re fine just get a easy job” “ you don’t quality for disability you just ant to lay around all day” etc. it really breaks my heart and makes me feel so bad that I can’t talk to ANYBODY when I’m sick or feeling sad and want to vent. Something that kind of makes me mad if that my boyfriends mom has a virus that she is fine most of the time but sometimes gets really sick as has to go get blood transfusions and medications in the hospital and stuff and my boyfriends dad keeps her from working and everyone is all over helping her but yet when I have a flare up and having s lot of nausea and abdominal pains and all these other symptoms people tell me to take a tums and get up. Like I have a diagnosis of serious stuff too just because the doctors don’t ever want to keep me in the hospital doesn’t mean it’s not serious. If I’m being honest the times I go to the hospital for pain the doctors treat me like I’m looking for drugs or tell me that I’m “just constipated and drink some water”. Like the way everyone has been treating me has been bringing me down so much and there’s no way of escaping it. 

Part two: I don’t know why my health is so bad for more than half of my life

Ever since I was 9 I’ve been in pain starting with my periods. I was put on birth control and it’s helped a lot so that’s hardly one of my issues now. When I was around 13 that’s when my stomach problems started and now that I’m 20 years old two doctors think I have multiple sclerosis and I’m going to see a neurologist next month. It’s been really hard for me to deal with being in pain all the time since I was young but I feel like I’m almost accustomed to the pain that I don’t show it so much on the outside. Especially when it comes to my nausea I’m nauseous every single day and usually I don’t complain about it because I’ve been nauseous every day for years only when it gets really bad I’ll lay down or hunch over. At least every other day I get abdominal cramps or pains in my stomach or the urge to vomit. My stomach problems have lead to other issues like malnutrition and other stuff. Recently I’ve been having neurological problems that have been scaring me I’ve been getting a lot of numbness on anywhere on my body that pressure is applied. Even for less than a minute my body part won’t even get pins and needles feeling it’ll just go straight up NUMB like can’t move my fingers or my arm or leg feels really heavy shit even my butt goes numb when I’m sitting on a hard chair or if I lean over a table to grab something or do something for a few seconds my arm or hand will start to go numb. Even when I’m sleeping and I’m laying on top of my pinky it’ll go numb. I’ve been getting these shocks of pain in my left hand that make me drop stuff or even have to let go of the steering wheel when I’m driving. I have these lingering headaches mostly behind my eyes or like one side of my head. I have a lot of trouble sleeping and my vision isn’t blurry sometimes it’s hard to focus and I’ve been having these black specks in my vision and lastly I lose my breath really easily and my heart rate shots up for doing any little thing even just shampooing my hair I be breathing heavy and feeling my heart beat in my neck and chest like I feel like I’m going to pass out… and two of my doctors think it’s multiple sclerosis. I just don’t get why I can’t live a normal active life. I used to go kayaking on my good days and it used to make me soooo happy and relaxed even thought I’d be really fatigued from all of the movement kayaking in the springs was my passion and the only thing to completely take my mind off of how sick I felt. Now that I live in Texas and I’m almost having these neurological symptoms I don’t think I would even be able to go kayaking at all there’s no springs to go kayaking here anyways but and I just sit at home all day and feel depressed.

Part 3: worried about my future

I know I can’t go to school because I have a really hard time focusing,concentrating, or remembering things I would fail. In elementary school all the way through sophomore year of highschool( before I left to homeschooling because of my chronic illness) I’ve always had a really hard time with school with attendance and keeping up my grades. I’ve recently lost two jobs in a row because of my attendance because once again my chronic illness and I just worry what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. I’m not going to college because I know I can’t handle it and I don’t want to go back to work because clearly I can’t hold a job and my doctor himself told me it might be best to not work to keep my stress down. I just feel so lazy but when I force myself to try and be productive and do things when my body doesn’t let me I end up getting sicker for longer and it’s really frustrating. I’ve already mentioned how my boyfriend told me how in our future he’s not going to let me lay around all day because he wants me to get up and do things which i understand I don’t want to put the burden on him for everything but it’s like my BODY WONT LET ME. my dad is fully disabled and he lays around all day and watches TV and sleeps all day and people don’t bother him but when I mention getting disability I’m just “lazy” and “fully capable of working but just don’t want to” I just really don’t know.

Part 4: losing my job recently and wanting to get disability

So in November I started a receptionist job. I specifically applied for this job because I figured it would be low stress and I would be able to sit and basically have it accommodate with my illnesses. Well I was wrong because that job had me stressed out every. Single. Day whether it was rude clients, my rude and condescending co workers, having to wake up at 4-6am depending on the shift, constantly being called in on my days off, having to get up and run around the building looking for stuff for a client or one of the doctors, etc. every day I would come home pissed off and complain to my boyfriend and the almost three months I worked there I had probably around four panic attacks at work because of the situations and stress I was put under. Recently I’ve been having neurological problems on top of gastroparesis flare ups and before my 90 days I missed three weeks of work whether it was because I was sick and couldn’t make it to work or had a doctors appointment, in the hospital etc. Nobody ever wanted to switch shifts with me so I always just had to miss work and I brought a doctors note for every day I missed. Right before my 90 days ended they let me go which is kind of a relief but now I have no money coming in and bills to pay. I’m thinking about applying for disability but I’m waiting to get my possible multiple sclerosis diagnosed before I start going through the process. My last job was working as a technician in an animal hospital and it was wayyy too stressful and active for me a dog pulled me so hard my wrist and back were fucked up and I had to miss work for four days and go to the doctors and chiropractors. I had to lift up dogs that weighed up to 50/60 pounds and that also fucked up my back on two occasions because I’m really skinny and when I try to lift with my legs they shake and give out. I would be bruised up from restraining dogs and they barely bump into me and I get a painful red and purple bruise. I’m too “fragile” to handle the naughty big dogs that would pull me to hard and then once again rude co workers and rude clients that gave me a ton of anxiety and stress. My doctor told me himself I should leave that job and that’s when I went for the receptionist job and it was just as bad. I mostly want to get disability because I feel like I’m not reliable to keep a job with doctors appointments and flare ups that I have and I feel like at the reception job I couldn’t handle the easiest of shit my memory is so terrible I got in trouble for fucking up a handful of situations and was actually called “dumb” by a co worker. Not to mention the stress of having to somewhat argue with my boss that I can’t come to work on so many days because I’m going to the doctors or calling out because I feel so sick and having to tell them I’m going to the doctor tomorrow so I can’t come in or I’m in the emergency room and been here for nine hours and it’s already 2am and still here I won’t be able to come to work tomorrow etc. So yeah idk we will see but there’s no way I’m putting myself back in that situation. Now that I get to lay down and relax and a majority of stress is cut from my life I’ve been feeling better but still not by any means I’m completely fine I’m still sick everyday but the stress was making me way sicker.

[submissiveagression]

2016

My birthday 2016 Your wife decides to message me after going thru our Facebook messages and all hell broke loose. I found out you hadn’t moved, y’all were not separated, you only covered the tattoo because it was crooked, you felt sorry for me and you only replied to me for entertainment only. She claimed y’all were still fucking even tho you had told me y’all were not since November of 2015 😒 the next day I think I posted to Facebook but took it down and sent her all the pictures and videos you sent me.

Me:

And before I end my entertainment career these are for you

Her:

Date missing to support your picture...videos, ok! And seperation agreement was the same one we were about to sign, but didn't! He simply printed that from offline, in which anyone can..notice the date is handwritten...no official document would be handwritten

Me:

All that is from this year. One clearly states September 16 as in a few weeks ago.

But that's neither here nor there ✌🏾️

Her:

Exactly how do I know that, knowing how you operate! You've been working your ass off to split us up...clearly because you want him for yourself! You had your moments with him, but now I'm suppose to believe they're from this year...you have your way of cutting and pasting and setting up shit to display whatever it is you want to convince someone...so if you going to present something, present it with him in my face. Because this right here, especially your "in bed" picture won't do! Call me what you want! Difference between you and I, idgaf what you or anyone else think of me! I always do me based on whats best for me and mine! Put it this way, until he tell me he don't want me, or he don't love me no more..etc..WE aren't going anywhere. You were his joke, and somewhere down the line, if you finally and actually get over him...you'll see it! Until then, keep chasing what don't want you, while he chase me! For future reference don't want, what don't want you! It fucks you over, and it reveals your low self-esteem! Find someone else! This fish won't be biting the bait no mo!

Me:

Working my ass off to split y'all up? Cutting and pasting? Really? Is this what he tells you? O don't have that kind of time. I can clearly see he's been lying you and I both. Whether you choose to believe so. Those pictures of him are from this year. Some months ago some recent. But you know deep down He has been playing two sides of the fence. You know before I moved He was still coming to my apartment and fucking me if he wanted. You know that! You can call me the dumb desperate bitch all day long. And you can believe whatever you want. But will feed me bullshit and go to extravagant lengths to keep me around just like he does you. That why I can and have called his father to talk about what He and I have been doing. Just like you can. He is trying to live a double life through you and me. And I'm not about to continue to argue about it. You see what has been going on. There is no bait to bite. Like I told Him I'm done. I'm taking me and my children including MY son and we are leaving. I've done what the court has asked and that's to give him a 30 day notice. You know who and what a sick person you are dealing with. And if you chose to stay then you're just a dumb bitch like me. But that's your decision. I'm done!

Her:

Dumb bitch? A wife that stays loyal, takes care of home, make sure her husband is good good on many levels, can never be the dumb bitch! But a bitch chasing some married dick, can make important decisions to make sure her child has the best relationship with their dad, and doesn't put herself second to that, WILL ALWAYS be the dumb bitch! You are fighting for something that hasn't and wasn't yours to begin with, it was simply borrowed once upon a time! So lets not categorize enough to try to save me a seat in the dumb bitch section! We don't compare! The reason you have access to my father in law is simply because of his stepmom and the fact that you have your son! Sick? That would be you! No he doesn't tell me shit! Let me tell you something, if I'm the side bitch, first of all! I wouldn't be boasting about, I wouldn't be content with it, and I could care less about what his wife (the one you claim to dislike) knew about it in detail unless I was trying to break them up for my own gain! Soooo he's not telling me shit about what you want, he could care less! This is what I take from the shit you do, the way you act! The way you can't allow him to be a father because of the shit we have to say to one another! Only a bitter ass woman would pull the shit you pull! And would go to desperate lengths to try to get through to someone they dislike to try to prove some shit! You can call me whatever you want but make sure you tell anyone I'm a mother before EVERYTHING because we could break-up today or tomorrow, and he'll always have the same rights to his kids as if we were together! Its called being a woman!

Me:

You get your information from going thru his things. Because I don't post shit about what he and I do. I talked about it with him so he's either telling you or you're searching. Up until today I have NEVER come to you with shit about him unless you step to me first. I was content with the situation I was in and the lies he told that's why he went to extravagant length to lie harder. I would be content as a wife with a cheating lying husband either. You are NO BETTER than me or any other woman. You are too are BITTER and that's why YOU text my phone. YOU watched him out the window. YOU inbox me. YOU make post and shit about me. YOU do things a content wife shouldn't have to do and a comfortable and secure one would never do. And as far as MY child I'm going to do what's best for me and mine. And watching his father hug and kiss on his mother and then watch him do the same thing else where isn't it. ✌🏾️Now be the woman you claim to be and go on about your day.

Her:

No you make sure you go about your day..this time you came to me...I'm far from bitter...truth be told, you do whats best for you, not the child...if thats true, him kissing two different women in front of your son, when do you take a stand to say I'm going to make sure I don't allow him to kiss me, one because he's married, and two because him being in his fathers life is more important than me setting that example thats its ok for him to kiss both of his mothers in front of him...so don't throw these double negatives trying to teach me something...sad thing is, you don't know what the best decision is...thats why you hold onto him but don't allow your son to do the same...all of your reasons for him not having him is because of him, me, or you, never because he puts him in harms way, or he did some neglectful shit! You don't know how to seperate your insecurities, your own selfish desires, from whether or not he have a father in his life...at this point you don't have the right to complain about the fathers that don't want to be in their kids life..considering you don't have a legitimate reason to take your son away from his...you're just as much as an asshole as they are. You simply can't get over the fact that I haven't left Him...and you trying to get him to come fuck you is just to give yourself comfort when you admit to yourself that I have his heart..something you want! The fact that you were begging for his dick shows how desperate you are, shows he hasn't been giving you action, Just messages, and how you hope to mess up a good thing...he only entertain your bullshit because of your son.. Not cause he enjoyed fucking you, or want to be with you! You just don't want to stare reality in the face!

Me:

HE has 1 mother and you are not it

Her:

I disagree.. But whatever make you sleep

Bio and bonus mother

Me:

I am his biological and only mother

Her:

Whats understood don'tvhave to be explained! Thats my son too dammit!

Me:

You a motherfuckin lie

Her:

If you say so

Me:

That's my son my blood you dubbed him a maybe

Her:

The blood shed is the only difference

Me:

He was a maybe to you remember

Where were you when he had surgery

What medical bill did you pay

Which tit you feed him from the right or the left

Bitch fuck out my face with that bullshit

Her:

Bitch at home tending to his siblings..duh..fucking dumbass and everytime he does anything for him, just keep in mind. Iys comes from both of us...as in OURS, SAME HOME, SAME ACCT, SAME EVERY FUCK THING...he 's under the roof of the home WE pay bills at...I feed him OUR food, and when he's sleepy he cries for me and lays on my chest and cuddles up under me in OUR bed. Next time, January, I'll be there for his surgery since you were looking for me! Now I know! Dumb bitches make my ass itch! I swear

Me:

Well thank you for the rent money. He has. I surgery in January. And you should get your ass checked.

Her:

Rent money ? Girl what you know about that? Considering you're no longer providing a roof over your lil familys head. Surgery, I just told you I know when its is. I got you girl. And as far as my ass, your bd eats it often even when he was fucking with you, you know, around the same time he was fucking with you. None of these arguments have been about you having an std or anything. So I think I can pass on seeing my doctor..just an occasional itch from having irritable bitch syndrome, you should know all about that. Now run along! Now that the kids are settled, and I've showered. My side of the bed is empty and hubby don't like that! So I have to go! You kiss our son for us since your feelings didn't allow us to do it tonight! Nite bm✌

Me:

My bad, I meant to say kissing you! My fault!

Her:

Because my lease was and I moved. Since you share accounts you know he was paying it while I was pregnant. Idk what surgery you're talking about because my son doesn't have one scheduled and as far as eating ass he ate mine too and probably went home and kissed you. Just like he ate would like my pussy in the parking lot outside your aparatment when I picked my son and he went. Back up stairs to you! Hubby don't care. Because half the time hubby was texting me. Had you not popped in my inbox for my birthday he would still be texting me. You can go in the room and kiss your own son. The same son that was crying when his daddy was fucking me instead of helping me move. The same son that used to go out to the park with us while you were away. You're not special. No go to be with your cheating ass hubby. And you him both can drink bleach, swallow the barrel of a gun, or decide to become ceiling decor. The choice is yours. And as far as rent. Maybe you should embezzle some more money so you can stop being a unlawful detainer every other month. Goodnight!

Her:

Once again a bunch of made up bullshit! Feel better bitch? Night hoe! Go get raped again...you know the one you practically brag about! Sad ass bitch!

Me:

It's called public records do no it's not made up bullshit. And bitch kill yourself

Her:

Bitch I wasn't referring to my public records...can't be embarrassed about some shit I didn't do...I own every fucking thing I do...glad you took the time to research me...were planning on sucking my pussy like he did yours? Whats the importance in that? And kill myself, I live for my kids and our son...you're the bitch on fb looking suicidal..what you waiting for?

Me:

I guess you need my entertainment too huh both y'all asses miserable

Her:

No bitch you're miserable thats why you need his attention for your miserable, lonely, ass comfort! Good night! I have some marital dick to go sit on!

Me:

Yet you always on my facebook looking thru my shit

Martial cheating dick don't forget cheating

And make sure you tell your hubby it was your fault

Her:

Girl everything you just said was a fucking lie even down to the in laws...misery loves company...and bitch it take a sad ass bitch to allow a man to cheat on their wife...everybody has a fault in this except your dumbass! You don't own shit and wonder your life is so fucking miserable! Bitch you're the fault! Poor kids! Don't teach them about nothing! Clearly you're one big fuck-up right along with the person you claim to be the big fuck-up...you ain't no better than the trash you throw on his name

Me:

And if you believe that something is clearly wrong with you. And I thought you had duck to sit on why are talking to me?

[strawberryspeachy]

So I came home from Miami with a really bad cold - I wasn't worried I figured I'll just sleep it off but my mother freaked out and made me go to the doctor (because when I'm gone she cares about me) so I went and was rudely told I don't have insurrance... my health insurance was stopped a month ago and they never notified me

That's shitty in general but more so because a couple days later I've gotten a bunch of gynecological problems.... ones I'd REALLYY like to go see a doc about

Well my mother only cares about stuff for a second - she made me drive to the doc when I was super sick and felt dizzy and didn't wanna go - but now she doesn't give a fuck because I actually really do need help

She told me it's my fault I lost my insurrance because obviously one of the 50 spam calls I get a day was my insurrance and I just hung up on them!! Cause you know they wouldn't leave a voicemail or anything

And how dare I want any medication or worry about it

Like as if worrying that I have an std isn't bad enough I have this psycho woman screaming at me everyday

Today I asked her if she would like some garlic bread - she then came to the kitchen and told me I was in her way - as if it's a shocker that after I asked her if she'd like food I'd be in the kitchen cooking said food

And then she asked what I made with it

As if I was supposed to make her a whole meal and that if I had made someone elselse for myself I should give her some

The other day I went to a work meeting and it was soooo cold and I was still relatively sick and I came home thinking about making this ramen I have that I can only buy hours away - she came into the kitchen as I was cooking it and because it smelled good I should give her some because SHE WANTS IT AND IS HUNGRY

I HATE NOT HAVING REAL FAMILY. I HATE NOT HAVING THAT EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. I HATE THAT IM EVEN RELATED TO THAT PSYCHO WOMAN

Just since I came home she has

1) complained that we don't have a microwave (she broke the microwave - the 3rd one in a fucking year) but acts like this is a tragedy that's happened to her

2) screamed at me for asking her to clean the floor being that it's only fair since I've scrubbed it clean every time it needs it for the past 5 years - because she does SOOOO MUCH - including going to the laundry mat to do laundry but screamed at me for suggesting she help me convince my grandfather get a washer and drying (because she likes complaining that I don't drive her out to the laundry to do said laundry)

Um just screamed at me for random shit every day in general including some fit where she randomly went off on me for literally no reason at all and started calling me names then got angrier when I got angry in response

Someone left a mother and kitten at my farm again - the mom got hit on the road before we found them but we have the month old kitten now - my friend and I took her up near where she was found and put her in a tent hoping that any sounds she made might lure out her probable siblings that were hiding (it didn't) I came back to the house where my friend and I are playing with the kitten very visably and my mother asks if I brought the kitten back to the house - as if I just abandoned the kitten like an asshole

Later she told me to get away from her room with the kitten that has fleas because you know - if we get fleas she'll be sparred from them cause she's just so much better than the rest of us and two days later told me I have to feed the kitten - as if I I'm stupid and hadn't already been feeding the kitten --- literally yelling at me about this kitten like I'm the one who abandoned her

This is mind you the exact way she acted toward the last kitten we saved and have to feed milk --- she's mean and tosses the kittens away (literally tosses and then acts like she's a nice fucking person) when I yell at her for being cruel to them she screams at me that SHE DOESNT WANT TO DEAL WITH THEM ITS NOT HER JOB --- the kitten we had to feed milk she would dunk her face into the milk and yell at her to drink or else she wasn't gonna eat and screamed at me for daring to ask for help despite the fact that I was working at the point - something that woman has refused to ever do

Then she flipped out at me for giving the kitten away to someone who actually wanted her because THAT WAS HER KITTEN- she only started calling her her kitten when I said I might have found someone to take her

I also told her she could keep the kitten if she was going to be nice to her and take care of her properly and not expect other people to do it for her and she made her usual 'feel bad for me I'm such a victim' face and said no she didn't want her cause the correct way for me to handle that in her eyes is "I'll take care of this kitten but you can call her yours"

I fucked up the other day and while trying to get rid of the fleas on the kitten and stop them from going on my other cats I used frontline...... for dogs and then had a panic attack and washed all my cats and cried thinking I might have killed them all (luckally they're all fine) but I said it and my mother started yelling at me about how stupid I am for something about the frontline but not even the issue that was at hand - as if she didn't take out puppy outside without a leash (which we all told her never to do 10000000 times) but she knows best and as a direct result of her thinking she could call a puppies name and he'll listen - he got hit and killed on the road -- that was an accident that's not her fault at all in her mind btw

Like jfc I don't wanna be back in this house... i wish she had never moved into my house

Like it sucks because even if I got her kicked out my grandfather has gotten used to her taking over my moms role of taking care of him - he thinks someone should take care of him even though he's fully capable of taking care of himself - but refuses since my 1930's mindset mom and great grandmother treated him like a child his whole life and I don't wanna cook his meals and fix his stuff and call people for him and wake him up for work

And quite honestly the only thing she does that I actually like that would need done is make sure my mom eats and takes her pills - and my mom now acts like a 2 year old who doesn't wanna eat their broccoli with every meal so... yeah it is actually a fucking pain

My whole life I've wanted a boyfriend for companionship and emotional support and someone to actually celebrate occasions with since my family sucks... and for the past 6 I NEED ONE SO I CAN MOVE OUT OF MY HOUSE WITH HIM LIKE EVERY OTHER COUPLE I FUCKING KNOW

I wanna die being stuck here with all of this bullshit

Like my mom is basically gone now... not like she was when I freaked out in the summer - she's much better than that but now her only responses to you talking to her is to immediately laugh before you even finish speaking if she likes you ----- if you don't sound happy she either makes a surprised face or a face like she'll cry - whichever she thinks is the face you want to see ---- she has no idea what I'm ever talking about

If I ask her a question she starts trying to answer whatever one popped up in her head first or goes off the first word you say for example: I say "where" she'll immediately start looking and walking around. She has no new input to anything she has memorized her answers to the most common subjects people talk to her about and she'll recite the same answer no matter the context of the conversation and if it's a topic she doesn't have a memorized answer to - it's a free for all - she'll still recite an answer

She didn't even tell me happy birthday this year unprovoked.... I feel like maybe I used up all my sadness... or I'm just too angry... but I can't even be upset by it anymore... I'm starting to forget what it was like for her to be all there... I'm forgetting what real conversations with her were like.... like all I can remember now are the times when it was apparent she was getting dementia ... things that's she says that she used to say... I remember the things she did and what life used to be like... I remember the things she said over and over again... but I don't remember our actual conversations

Probably because the last time my mom was ok I not only was in that phase of my life where parents are just sooooo embarrassing but I was depressed and detached from life and angry all the time... I don't remember much of what anyone said...