#i can't believe i'm carrying the weight of this fandom on my back

[auburngods]

WIP !!

TimJim (or Broneill, as I like to call 'em) Pirate/Merman AU. This is part of a two pieced project and has a lot of imperfections that need to be fixed, but I wanted to share a little preview in flat colors. I really like how this is turning out, I think it's very cute.

[kayluh1915]

psssst, disclaimer…

@swiftllama: *texts me with no context* EVERY BTS THEY GET GAYER AND GAYER

Me after watching said BTS:

It's Ianthony moment breakdown time, BBY!

I know I've been gone for a while but I've really been going through it, y'all. I want to post more from here on out, but I can't make any promises. Executive disfunction and ADHD paralysis sssuuuccckkkkssss.

Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled screamings!

Also, this is from a members only video. If you can, please support Ian and Anthony directly. I do not share content outside of small Ianthony moments like these.

The noise that came out of my mouth was not human in anyway, shape, or form! Anthony has carried Ian like this before, but it was before his departure. Back then they were really stiff and awkward with each other since their friendship was strained, as they have mentioned several times. Now they're super close and don't give a flying fuck and MY HEART CAN'T TAKE IT!

Sam has been keeping me up to date with everything and I just can't believe the timeline we're in. Everything else might be shit, but at least Ian and Anthony are back together and give us moments like these on the weekly! 😭They keep me sane.

ANYWAYS, I made some gifs of the moment because AHHHH and I'm going to break down the little moments that made my fandom heart flutter

Let's get to it!

Right off the bat, Ian very minorly freaks out when Anthony picks him up and immediately grips Anthony's arm. Logically, I know that anyone would grab onto the closest thing on instinct in this situation... but my Ianthony brain is screaming: "AWWW! ANTHONY MAKES HIM FEEL SAFE!!!!!!!"

Okay, my logic brain is calming down now because this gif just confirmed that Ian not only trusts Anthony whole heartedly but also FEELS SAFE! As soon as Anthony reassures him that he won't let him fall Ian relaxes and starts to let go of the death grip he has on Anthony's arm near the end of the gif.

Another demonstration of how much Ian trusts Anthony. He doesn't even flinch when he lifts him up and even has that face he makes that screams: "yeah yeah, we know Mr. Buff." after Anthony comments on how easy it is for him to hold Ian.

DUDE! The way Ian just goes limp after Anthony once again lets him know that he's got him. IT'S SO FUCKING CUTE and, again, is proof of how much he trusts him. He knows Anthony won't drop him and just decides to relax for a second, putting his full weight on Anthony's shoulders. I CANNOT! It's so intimate!!! Ian probably also took notes from Rhett's "I'm Dead" move he pulls on Link which I find hilarious.

Okay, this is my favorite one of this whole gifset. The way Anthony looks back at Ian to make sure he's still comfortable and then smiling to someone about it!?!? BRING AMBERLAMPS! MY HEART HAS STOPPED!

Damn, I needed these two in my life so badly right now. The fact that they pulled THIS SHIT just makes it so much better. I know they've said and done things more damning within the past few months, but I enjoy more intimate moments like these. Yeah, it's for a bit, but it shows just how much Anthony cares for Ian and how much Ian trusts him.

Lord have mercy, I need a nap after all of that. 😮‍💨

[bluejaysandblackbats]

The Brother Trap

Fandom: DC Comics, Flashfam

Summary: Owen wants to connect with his half-brothers for the first time. Luckily for him, they all go to the same university. Will bad blood between twins keep Owen from the family of his dreams, or is he the missing piece they've always needed?

Chapters: 16/?

Characters: Owen Mercer, Axel Walker, Thad Thawne, Bart Allen, Meloni Thawne, Deborah Morgna, Preston Lindsay, President Thaddeus Thawne Mention

Relationships: Owen Mercer/Axel Walker, Thad Thawne/Deborah Morgna, PrestonBart

Additional Tags: POV Third Person, College AU, Angst and Fluff, Family Dynamics, Family Issues, No Powers AU

Chapter Sixteen: Cookiecakepieorbrownies

Axel woke up to Owen. He knew it was him. The weight pressed down beside him and smelled like green apples. "Owen?" Axel whispered. 

"Hey," Owen whispered gently, "You want some soup? I brought some home from work..." Axel turned over to face Owen. 

"Owen—." Owen felt Axel's forehead and cheeks. Fever and embarrassment made Axel's cheeks rosy. 

"Can you eat?" Owen asked. Axel nodded. "You're speechless... You're hardly ever speechless." 

"Your mom was really nice to me," Axel whispered, "And it—. It felt like she meant it." 

"She does mean it. Come on, sit up. Let me get some soup and a pain pill in your stomach," Owen whispered. Axel obeyed and watched Owen walk to the kitchen and heat a bowl of soup. "Had to carry my brother to bed. He was slumped over a box." Owen chuckled. He turned on a light and grabbed a pill bottle. 

"Here you go," Owen whispered as he gave Axel the pill. "Don't take it yet."  

"I wasn't gonna... I'm not that bad off," Axel mumbled. Owen brought him a water bottle and the leftover soup from the restaurant. "Owen, could you do me a favor?" 

Owen grinned. "Uh-huh," Owen smiled as he sat beside Axel. Without thinking, he pressed kisses to Axel's cheeks and neck, and before he could kiss his lips, Axel turned away. 

"You're gonna get sick," Axel warned him. 

Owen kissed him. "Don't care if I get sick. I love you," Owen replied between pecks. The bedroom door opened, and Axel turned away. 

"Hey, Thad," Owen whispered. 

Thad rubbed his eyes. "Where—? Bart?" Thad muttered, still half-asleep. 

"Nope. This is your older brother, Owen. Need something?" Owen asked.  

Thad shook his head and returned to bed. "Relax, Owen. Want some of my soup?" Axel asked. Owen pulled a spoon out of thin air, eliciting a laugh from Axel. They sat together and ate the entire bowl. 

Axel took his pill and went to sleep, and Owen cleaned up before returning to his side. He draped his arm over Axel and lay awake, thinking about how he'd finally gotten everything he wanted. It terrified him. Axel started to toss and turn around sunrise. He always had nightmares when he was sick. "Shh... Hey, hey," Owen whispered, "I'm right here." Axel sighed. 

"Shit," Axel muttered as tears streamed down his cheeks. 

Owen frowned. "What was it?" Owen questioned. 

"I'm gonna get in the way—." 

"No," Owen smiled, "You've never been in the way. There is no way without you." Owen messed up Axel's hair. 

Meloni came out of the room and apologized. "I'll—." 

"No, Mel. It's okay," Axel mumbled as he pulled the blankets over his head. Meloni crouched down beside Axel. 

"Would you like to come with me? I'll set your room up so you can get some real sleep," Meloni offered as she pulled the sheet back and tapped his nose. Axel offered her a shy smile. "Come on, Sweetheart." Axel softened up. 

"I'll go get ready," Axel whispered. 

Once Axel was out of earshot, Owen grabbed Meloni's hand. "He's never had a mom before... So, thanks for being so nice to him," Owen confessed. 

"Hold onto this one," Meloni whispered, "He's special... I can tell." 

Owen grinned. "Believe me, I'm trying... Take good care of him for me, Mom," Owen whispered. Meloni nodded and messed up his hair. 

"I will," Meloni smiled, "Can I hug you? I just—. I still can't believe you're my baby boy." 

Owen wrapped his arms around Meloni and rested his chin atop her head. "Thank you, Mom... Thank you so much," Owen whispered. 

Meloni held onto his forearm, soaking in the affection and warmth her son offered. "You and Axel have given me so much... You don't have to thank me," Meloni replied, "I'm gonna put a sweater on and take Axel home. Take care of Thad." 

"I've got him," Owen replied. 

Axel left the bathroom, and Meloni grabbed his pillow from the couch. "Come on, sweetheart. I'll make you a grilled cheese," Meloni smiled. She led Axel toward the door, and Axel glanced at Owen. 

Owen nodded. "Bye, Axe. Bye, Mom,” Owen waved. 

*

Meloni sat beside Axel on the couch, watching Fight Club. “Moms watch this kind of stuff?” Axel questioned. Meloni chuckled. 

“It’s my favorite movie… Axel, can I ask you a personal question?” Meloni whispered. Axel nodded. “Are you living any of the dreams that you had as a child?” 

Axel blew out a breath and took a sip of his tea. “Wow, Mel… Um… I don’t think I had any dreams. Wait… I wanted to—. No, it’s dumb—.” 

Meloni turned toward him and sat on her feet. “No, please tell me,” Meloni begged, “I won’t think it’s stupid.” 

“When I was little, my first foster parents used to set up blanket forts and make hot cocoa and eat cookies with their kids, but I—. I wasn’t one of their kids. I guess—. I wanted to borrow someone’s parents for a day. I wanted to be—. Be their real kid for a day,” Axel confessed. Meloni smiled. “See—.” 

“No, Axel. That isn’t stupid at all. We can do that. It’ll be fun. I want you to like me… Oh, Axel, I really want you to like me,” Meloni replied. Axel laughed without meaning to. “Will you let me try?” 

Axel nodded. “Okay, sure,” Axel replied. Meloni paused the movie and jumped over the back of the couch. 

“You won’t regret this! I promise,” Meloni half-exclaimed. She skipped to the kitchen. “Axel! Cookies, cake, pie, or brownies?” 

“What?” Axel asked.

“Cookiecakepieorbrownies?” Meloni asked. 

“Brownies?” Axel answered. Meloni squealed, and Axel smiled to himself. He waited for her. At least, Axel tried to. He dozed off and woke up to Meloni carrying a stack of quilts downstairs. “Mel? That’s not safe. Let me—.” 

“It’s alright… Does your head hurt?” Meloni questioned.

Axel shook his head. “I’m alright. Mel? How long have I been—? You changed the living room around… How’d you move the couch?” Axel questioned. 

“You’re a heavy sleeper… Have you ever built a blanket fort?” Meloni asked. Axel shook his head.

“Owen used to joke about how we couldn’t afford to live like kids. I remember when he let me stay over the first time… I was so scared of him. I thought he was like everyone else, waiting for an opportunity to hurt me. He’s not like anyone—. Well, he’s—. He’s like you,” Axel explained. His eyes widened, and he softened. “How do we do this whole fort thing?” 

Meloni grinned. “Okay,” Meloni deeply inhaled. She dropped the blankets and quilts on the couch. She explained how she did things, and Axel carefully listened. Without warning, Meloni stopped mid-sentence to touch Axel’s forehead and cheeks. “I want this to be home for you. I know you’re an adult, but I want you to feel safe and welcome here.” Axel nodded.

[zannolin]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @beautyofsorrow, tagging @lordgrimwing @faebriel and anyone else who wants to do it!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

publicly associated with my account, 45. in total, including a couple i orphaned before i knew you could put them on anon, 84 i believe. 85 if you count the two chapters of that leakira zine i wrote that are up there somewhere. i could be off. but i forgot how to get to where it shows me the total number and i can't be bothered lol.

2. What's your total A03 word count?

438,464 baby. maybe 500k in 2024? who knows.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

ones 90% of you have never heard of, at this point. it fluctuates depending on whatever i'm getting ideas for, but actively at the moment, the mullverse (mostly beyonders), resident evil, and lockwood & co, national treasure (might be done with that tho, i've exhausted my must-writes). i have other stuff knocking around, like life is strange, mona lisa smile, mlp, some more shazam, bendy and the ink machine, a tlou fic...but who knows.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

ugh. 1. in this fearful fallen place (i will be your home) 2. welcome home, theseus 3. sanctuary 4. i'll carry the weight of you, i swear 5. eat you alive. it says a lot that only one of those is still publicly listed on my profile. even then i'm tempted to put it on anon. they're only my top kudos'd by virtue of being from a big fandom. definitely not my best. at all. even within that fandom. free me and my stats page.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

not all of them, but i make an effort when comments are thoughtful or especially brighten my day. it's easier now because writing for smaller very niche fandoms you don't tend to get a lot so i don't feel overwhelmed or anything, but man responding is hard sometimes. i want people to know they made me happy, though, when they do. so i try.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i mean there's that tododeku one where they both die brutally and were supposed to get married next week. there's also the batcat fic that i wrote solely for the purpose of killing bruce wayne (sorry). there's um. also the klance titanic (historical not titanic the movie) au i wrote ages ago. haha. yeah. anyway.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

all of them. hfdsjkhfs no i honestly couldn't tell you. i have a mike flanagan-ass idea of a happy ending these days. maybe three's a crowd? hell if i know.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i've had a couple instances of people harassing me over them but never like. "your fic is so bad i hate it die". so maybe?? i'm too obscure to be getting hate at this point lol. who out here is gonna read beyonders fic just to comment mean things.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i do not. i did try years ago. that notebook has since been put through the shredder and dumped into the recycling bin for good measure. (yes, it was that bad.)

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

technically no but i've thought about it sometimes. they've all promptly fled my head though so just trust me on this one.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

gee i hope not. there's been a lot of suspicious similarities in some old cases but like. that literally does not matter to me anymore idc. it's not straight up theft in any case so not to my knowledge ig?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

again not to my knowledge but i do have blanket permissions for that if anyone ever wanted to. it's cool.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

back in the 2010s my friend and i were writing a warriors fic together. she did one chapter, i did one, etc. i've had collaborative aus as well (cat's cradle and whatnot) but not a collaboratively written fic for any of them. me and tam were writing the coma au together but we're no longer in the fandom for that anymore, rest in peace coma au you were genuinely wonderful. i'm not opposed to the idea of collab fics but they always feel like a lot of work and i'm way way way too anxious to approach anyone about them.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

ah hell. i dunno. do i have to pick one?? like right in this moment i'd say locklyle and they've been here a hot minute (like. ten years almost) but i don't really have A Favorite I'd Choose Over Anyone Else.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

mm. penumbra anastasia au haunts me. i want it out of my wips folder. also wild geese is probably never getting finished ever. i do think i'll get split ends done eventually but that one's taking forever. as for ones not posted, well, rip the gospel tent au. i might try to convert it to a short story but lord. i don't know. and don't get me started on the final girl au or the empty grave possession au. throwing myself out a window. they'll never be done i'll never be free.

16. What are your writing strengths?

uh. i honestly don't know anymore. knowing exceedingly tedious canon details to the point where i can make all sorts of metaphors and allusions relevant to said canon? i really couldn't say. introspection i guess.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

yes. next question

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i have an overbearing anxiety that i will fuck it up somehow since i am a monolingual american loser. if i ever did need to i would definitely see if there's any native speakers willing to help translate or whatever bc i am not relying on google translate for that.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

like liv, lord of the rings. i still have my first fanfic btw. it's written on tinkerbell notebook paper.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

it changes. if i were to be completely objective (or as close as i can get), completely removing my emotions on fandom from the equation, prob without anesthetic. because i think i constructed it just right. being a dirty little subjective, right now i think it's three's a crowd or swallowing jupiter or the swing of things. they're all wonderfully unhinged.

[gillianthecat]

my thoughts after watching The Eclipse episode 11. i don't want to put it in the main tag (at least not yet) because it's just confused ramblings, so it's below a cut so y'all can avoid spoilers.

hmm. I'm not sure what I thought of this episode. I mean, I had many thoughts, but they are contradictory and confused. There were many individual moments that I loved, particularly the ones between Akk and Ayan. After finishing the whole think I still think it felt rushed and crammed in. I think that I will have to watch the next, final episode before I'm really able to evaluate it, episode eleven really doesn't feel like it stands on it's own. Threads seem to be tied up, but not actually, other completely new threads are introduced (the creation of a BL drama).

Thua. I am most confused about my feelings about what happened with Thua this episode. I can't decide if his actions make sense to me and feel true to his character. Part of that is I'm not sure if a) continuing to act as the curse is at all a logical way to get the truth behind the curse revealed, and more importantly b) that I think that's something that Thua would have believed.

My initial reaction was that it felt totally out of character for Thua to do this, but now I think that maybe it fit. The whole time he's been show to be... not calculating exactly, but calm and observant and thoughtful. He's shy and quiet, so I think we in the fandom (and maybe his friends too?) have gotten this idea of him as a poor little meow meow, but looking back, that's not actually who he's been shown to be. I don't know, I really have to think on it more.

I do wish the show had spent more time dealing with the emotional repercussions of all these revelations instead of moving right on to making the movie. That's a big thing that felt rushed and deflated the energy for me. These five boys all discovered that someone they were close to was lying about something huge! That's going to shake their relationships in a way that won't get fixed by a quick conversation. Kan and Thua in particular - they went back to being at ease together way too quickly for me.

As for the making of a BL film - my initial reaction was oh no! not another self-referential BL show within a show. But I'm starting to like the idea because it's not just about making a BL, it's about making political stories. It was the line about BL being Thailand's soft power that got me to think maybe Golf et al. were going somewhere interesting with this, that's its not just about BLs themselves, but about the influence they hold and what can be done (what Golf et al. are doing) with that. Wat leading them to do intimacy exercises while the camera was rolling was a little odd, but he's an untrained teenaged filmmaker so the oddness kind of made sense.

And while I'm generally not a fan of characters re-enacting scenes from their lives, Akk and Ayan's conversation afterword was so cute that I can't object. Them! The way they look at each other! How much Akk loves being teased by Aye!

I haven't watched the "coming next week" part yet, so I don't know what's planned, but I hope the stuff with the Suppalo and the protesters haven't been dropped, that this was just an oddly paced interlude. Because it really feels incomplete and like it needs to be dealt with. And in such a political show I can't imagine that it won't somehow be dealt with. And I'm less hopeful that this will happen, but I would really like for their to be some emotional fall out to all the lies and betrayals that were revealed. I'm not saying the characters wouldn't be friends again, I think they would! But the shift back into normalcy feels unfounded.

Thoughts on Chadok and Dika. I think I liked it. I think it felt mostly right. It was just another thing that felt too rushed too be as effective as I wanted it to be. It was too much of an outline of a story rather than a story itself, and it needed more substance to carry the weight of Dika's suicide. I don't know what I wanted more of in particular, but I felt like I needed more of something. But now it makes sense why the notebook was so poorly hidden under his desk; Chadok didn't hide it there at all, Thua just slipped it in (and I still don't really understand what he thought that in particular would do? The only reason that makes sense is he was acting out of anger toward Aye, but if so that needed to be addressed in some way). And congratulations to the brilliant minds who saw the Dika-Chadok romance coming. (And the geniuses who predicted that Thua would be the one carrying on the curse.)

What else is on my mind? Kan publicly proclaiming Thua has his boyfriend. Again, I think I liked the scene for itself - Kan having come so far that he's ready to do this, the echo of him taking Thua's hand but this time holding on, their joy in being able to publicly claim each other. But again I was distracted by the fact that Kan and Thua never dealt with Thua being the curse and hiding it. It made it hard to feel the joy with them that I wanted too. And I'm not sure what I think about all the surrounding students seeming to be happy for them. On the one hand, that's so wonderful! On the other hand, Suppalo students have been explicitly shown being homophobic, so what's changed? I'm not saying that that change is unlikely, just that I want to see what happened to believe and understand it.

The Eclipse as a metaphor - the whole thing with the principal being beholden to the investors and the way money ultimately is the real power. I have thoughts, but I don't feel like writing them now. And honestly, there was a lot less of a focus on that this episode than I was expecting. Again, hopefully we get more of this in the final episode.

Akk and Aye moments I loved: all of them! everything with the pin, the way they looked at each other during the ceremony, all of Aye's support and the way he kept reinforcing that he loved Akk no matter what. This is a couple that I truly believe love each other, in a way that I don't always with onscreen couples. I have vague plans to write a post about that eventually. I just love them so much!

I still love this show! I'm confused about this episode, but i'm withholding judgment until the end so I can see how it fits into the series as a whole. And probably until after I re watch it. I focused mainly on the negatives here because that's what I needed to work through in my mind, the positives don't require thought.

Ok, that's all my thoughts for now. I probably repeat myself a lot and this may not make any sense, but I'm not going to even re-read it let alone edit it.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

happy new year mod team! there is no rush to answer my ask and I apologize since it might be a bit of a ramble but maybe you can offer some insight to my situation

trigger tag^^ ncsa, csa, depression, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, online fandom or just being online in general

it's taken some time for me to really accept the full scope of my assault; for most of my life I didn't even consider myself a victim even when it was happening. I've always known I was depressed and that I carried more stress than other kids my age, but it never made sense for me that it could be anything even remotely close to sexual assault.

and I guess because I've studied it all from every angle, I don't see much reason for me to find peace. Sure, It's nice in thought, and probably attainable, but with how my life and experiences have played out I truly see no worth or value in my existence. It started in childhood, which did make me a victim, but I asked for it. I wanted it, and even when I didn't I still performed for those people anyway because I knew it'd make sure they'd stay and be my friend. Why did I do these things? I was never interested in sex so why did I sell myself to this world that objected and hurt me.

I sometimes remember what the conversations were about; the things I would say and believe just utterly horrify me and to tell the truth if what happened to me ever came to light I would kill myself. Without hesitation I would. The amount of disgust I have towards myself isn't something I can describe very well. It's similar to that phrase "lipstick on a pig"; I feel like this bloated, muddy animal that dolls itself up but it makes no difference. I will always be a pig, regardless of what shade of lipstick I wear.

I've never thought of myself as beautiful or stunning really and while I can see how a lot of my current actions stem from childhood, i just don't really care to change. It kind of feels like there's no hope for me to start with. It doesn't matter that I've changed. Doesn't matter that I was a kid. Doesn't matter that I was smart. What happened still happened and I think I'm pure scum of the earth.

Back when I was being groomed and harrased, the focus was always on my body--my underdeveloped body. They liked my baby fat and height, and now that I'm an adult and have gone through puberty I feel just awful. I can't stand my body and I've maintained my weight since middle school despite now being 22. I can't make myself eat regular amounts of food because it isn't "safe". I hate my breasts because they make me look bigger. I just dont find myself to be a pretty person at all. I'm trying to breakdown this mentality for myself, it's not something I'd ever think or project onto others but I'm not able to use that kindness for myself. I just can't see myself in a good light, ever. I've been an anorexic then a bulimic and then orthorexic and now I'm just back to the anorexia and orthorexia. I just can't make myself be fine.

Overall I think things would be better had I just not existed, or if I consciously stopped existing right now-- not as in I die but more of like I'm suddenly invisible and no one can see me or hear me kind of way. I also think if anyone knew the full scope of my experience they'd be disgusted with me. My own mother would turn me away and my siblings would disown me. I hate this all. I feel just disconnected from everything. The only joy and inner satisfaction I get is when I have a nice dessert and a cup of black coffee.

I'd never kill myself but if something were to happen then I wouldn't be in denial. I deserve it. I don't deserve the good house and beautiful partner and happy family. I just depise my very existence.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I'm proud of you for making the step to not only verbalize your experiences, but to try and seek help. Please know that we see and hear you.

It may be helpful to remember that even if you "wanted" it, your consent meant nothing because you were incapable of consent due to being a child. It's easy to feel a lot of shame and guilt around coming to terms with "wanting" the abuse as a child, but please consider that you are no less of a survivor because of that. There are multiple reasons why someone may seek out abuse, especially as a child: innocent curiosity, self-harm, not fully understanding the gravity of the situation, gaining a feeling of validation, attention, connection, or self-esteem through the abuser, the list goes on.

It sounds like you carry an immense amount of shame for your part in what transpired, and it seems to have reached your self-image and self-worth. Especially with your passive suicidal ideation, I strongly recommend seeking out additional resources, such as a crisis line or, if you an access or afford it, a mental health professional like a therapist.

It makes sense given your experiences to feel that you don't deserve good things, but it could be helpful to consider that you deserve good things in spite of everything you've suffered and survived from.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[mermaidsirennikita]

What the people going on about how disliking Penelope is fatphobic don’t seem to get is that the writing for the character on the show is fatphobic. Am I side-eying the people who hate her but don’t seem to mind what Daphne did? Yeah, and people characterizing Nicola Coughlan as some scheming attention whore sets off alarm bells too, but it’s not like writing the fat girl as sad, bitter, and unable to get a man isn’t also using inherently fatphobic tropes.

I'll be honest--I don't care for Nicola. However, I don't think she's a scheming social climber lol. I think that's projecting her character onto her. I think she's messy and needs media training--which, tbh, she probably learned based off of interactions with this rancid fandom. I can't particularly shake the deuxmoi shit in light of it being in response to RJP, who was receiving an explicitly racist backlash from the fandom... But I don't think she's... calculated lol. And I do think that REGARDLESS of how I feel about Nicola, she experiences fatphobia. It's apparently in how she is presented on Bridgerton. Nicola is objectively pretty. Like. I don't care what ya think about her personally. She's a conventionally pretty woman. Why is she cast as the girl who can't get a guy? Because she's fat. That's it.

Here's another blunt take here--I tend to wonder.... If a lot of the people... Citing "fatphobia" as the reason why people dislike Penelope... Are actually fat. Because like. While I won't pretend that I'm as big as some women who might find it more difficult to get through life--while I won't pretend that I can't hide shit with the right angles in my selfies--I shop in the plus size section at Target like many a girl (I actually have hyperinsulinism, so even when I try to lose weight... it's rough, buddy!). Many of my friends are in the same boat, or similar. Idk. I look at us, and I look at Penelope, and like... I rarely claim shit over anything, because I'm a cis white woman and am thus pretty fucking privileged in the country I live in... But it is oddly degrading?

And I felt this way with book!Penelope, too. The comments about her weight, the note that she lost weight before Colin decided to fuck her--but like, at least that shit was written quite a while ago. The show doesn't have that excuse. The show has Nicola, who they'll cite as hot enough to carry a Pat McGrath campaign... And be like "aw, this poor fat sap, he doesn't see her as anything but a friend". That's... not what I want to see. I don't want a pat on the back, and that's frankly not what I get in real life. Like, believe it or not, many men see fat women as highly fuckable. And Colin. Could totally. See Penelope. As that. Like you could even find a way to get the classic "uhhhh I'd never marry Penelope Featherington" moment in without making it seem like a condescension.

The thing is that I don't feel like... The show is gonna sell me on him being *sexually attracted* to her. And it's in part because Luke N. and Nicola don't have a charged chemistry (it's just her being like uwu Colin pls notice me and him being like *WHERE'S A SKINNY BITCH*) but also... in part due to the writing. Like, even the fact that Penelope is getting the, let's be fucking real, largely agreed upon *also ran* brother who the show has made out to be a dipshit compared to the Tortured Eldest Son Who Eats Pussy Like It's Breakfast and The Freewheeling Artist Threesome Brother.... is telling. Idk. I just. Don't buy that this show will honor Penelope as a woman who is fat, deserves love, *AND* deserves to have her clock rocked like her life depends on it.

And that is in part because, yes, she's been painted as envious of other women. I won't pretend to have grown up without body image issues. I've been a size 8 and been like "oh God nobody will love me" and I've been a size 16 and been like "oh God nobody will love me". But Penelope... That's like, her defining trait. You can be insecure as a fat woman in a world that caters to thin women (though uh, I will add, idk that body standards were the same in Regency England as they were in the 21st century) and also be talented and confident and bitchy. Penelope has *never* had a man look at her, and that's so fucked up to me. Like. What. Am I supposed to feel good about someone noticing her during the Polin season when she's gone 2-3 seasons beforehand being treated as this ugly, pathetic, jealous hag?

Like, I literally have no fucking idea why Penelope would feel that way... besides her fatness. Her sisters don't experience that. And you could say "well the bully her" yeah but why. Because of her fatness, right? And that's a choice the writers made. To make Penelope's fatness a key part of her personality and insecurities, rather than like... a fact of her body. A part of her hot, sexually appealing body.

Lol I just have zero interest in fat rep that's.......... about being jealous of skinny girls. And striking out against them. Idk. I was raised by a skinny bitch (who has also been not skinny) and I'm a sister to a skinny bitch. I won't say that I haven't experienced moments of jealousy, but I also see that there is a price to be paid either way, and we all have our fucking issues and burdens to bear. I've never been what I would call truly *skinny* but I've been way closer to that than I am now, I didn't magically feel better about myself. So idk. The messaging the show sends with Penelope... That she is suffering due to her fatness, that her behavior is linked to insecurities that are connected to her fatness and therefore we should just be down with it......... Isn't good for me.

[verobatto]

It's Always been You.

I love you

Destiel Meta. 15x18 meta.

Keeping the fire burning in our hearts, i can't believe what we just saw last night, and i have to keep screaming about this historical scene.

I wrote this meta with my friend's huge help @mrsaquaman187 , because we needed to talk more about body language. Because the scene was perfectly played by Jensen and Misha.

And i want to say thank you to my dearest friend @spnsmile because she made amazing gifs for this analysis. Love you girl!

Before start this meta, i want you to read a meta i wrote two years ago, and i want to share it again with you today.

Break the jar and do it again. The slow construction of Destiel Canon

Okay, now, let's start this journey...

Castiel's honesty at his purest form

I will analyze word by word, because this is historical, as I said before. So, let's rewatch the scene together, the scene in which Castiel released himself, and allowed for the first time, to be happy. (I want my angel back 😭).

“I always wondered, ever since I took that that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what...what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want...it's something I know I can't have."

Well, my friends, as I yelled in my Destiel meta you can find here, is canon now that Castiel was wondering what would it be to have Dean not just as a friend, but as a lover, and I'm.... Okay. (Internally screaming).

And damn @weird-dorky-little-deana and her post here in which I screamed again, this is it, my friends. Is perfect. Because is all along what I was suspecting... Remember 14x09, Pamela represented Dean's fem side, Dean's subconscious, so, in conclusion, Pamela was Dean talking to himself and saying :YOU WANT WHAT YOU CAN'T HAVE. Is because Dean thought CAS didn't love him back, and Cas saying he can't have Dean is a huge parallel because it shows the way it was constructed. Both men thinking they can't have each other. Is perfect and angsty and so romantic.

"But I think i know...I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it.”

This is such a deep thought and it talks about Castiel's maturity of character. He understood once for all, that loving Dean Winchester, feeling what he feels for him, and expressing that to Dean, is his true happiness. Because...

METATRON: "(...) You draped yourself in the flag of Heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human. Right?"

Dean didn't know it

Dean: “What are you talking about, man?”

Dean's question shows us he didn't know what Cas was trying to say, he didn't know Cas was about to confess his love for him, he didn't know Castiel loves him back the same way Dean loves him.

Cas: “I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. You're...you're 'Daddy's Blunt Instrument.' And you think hate and anger, that's...that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it.

I just have to put everything in red because, OMG, people, this is Cas in the barn all over again but after 11 years of being with him and truly sees through him, and this is Cas in the golden room:

CASTIEL: What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion.

This time answering himself, this time, healing all the weight and the pain Dean could carry inside. Because Dean deserves to be saved. That's why Cas gave his life again for him.

Even now, with Billie outside saying IT AS ALWAYS BEEN YOU, and naming him like the rebel, Cas rewords all of that, and shows Dean why he is all of that, because he is GOOD.

Oh Lord, okay, everytime I see Cas smiling and saying those words i have to repress my tears, but...

"Since Castiel laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!"

No, sister, he was found.

Castiel is rewording each bad comment or mocking angels had done based on his romantic love for Dean, he is saying , yes since I met you in Hell, i was found, you changed me, I fell for you. Damn... Dean go get back this angel because I swear...

But now, i want to share with you my friend reading about their body language on this scene.

@mrsaquaman187 wrote:

"Here is interesting because usually with conversations like these Dean would get upset or strut around then disagree and blame himself for something. BUT he doesn’t do that this time. Which leads me to believe he knew what Cas was going to say... you can see his face stiffen, intense eye contact and he clenches his jaw. Which tells me he is MAKING himself listen. He knows what’s coming and he has made the decision to HEAR it."

@mrsaquaman187 wrote:

Gif 1:

"Here he’s trying to hold it together. He’s swallowing back tears because he wants to see this conversation through to the end."

Gif 2:

"Oh this one is fascinating because he’s not moving. This means he’s no longer trying to be sure of what Cas is saying. He definitely knows what he’s going to say. Also if you look at his eyes, his pupils are dialated. Fun fact: when you’re looking at someone you love, your pupils dialate."

If you are still alive, i just want to point how romantic is this, because he is saying that Dean changed him for good. And he is naming all their family, Sam, Jack, and humanity, the world. Dean. So practically, Cas is saying, Dean showed Cas how to take care of others. Damn...

But also....

ISHIM: The way you let those simians talk to you... Castiel, when did you get so gooey? You know why we're meant to stay away from them humans? Hmm? It's not because we're a danger to them. They're a danger to us. Case in point.

CAS: Well, my friendship with Sam and Dean has made me stronger.

Castiel rewording again, because he knows what Dean did on him, Dean changed him for good.

I Love You

@mrsaquaman187 wrote:

Gif 1:

"Hmmm this one is a mixture of disappointment and denile...he’s basically thinking “you can’t be leaving me again”. His slow blinking and calm appearance indicates that he’s sort of asking out of disbelief or denial."

Gif 2:

"My poor boy had so much to say! Here you can tell he realizes what Cas was saying...he gets the meaning but can’t get his response out. He starts with the head tilt which signifies endearment and fondness. He swallows hard which represents the nervousness he feels and the sadness he feels. And then you can see his lips twitch and turn into a light smile along with his eyes softening. So he understands that Cas is confessing to loving him. And he understands that Cas has been holding it in and hurting the whole time. Which is why he tilts his head. The hard swallow is because he’s being loved but wants to love back and has no idea how to express that. All he could manage was “don’t do this Cas” which along with the body language equals to “Cas don’t leave me”.

I'm crying again, damn...

Okay Dean is shocked, shocked because he just figured out Cas loves him, Cas had loved him this whole time!! Is a huge, huge revelation to him, because Dean didn't imagine his best friend would feel the same for him! That's why he always thought he couldn't have Castiel the way he wanted to.

"I can see the love inside of you, but is croaked in shame."

Shame because it was his best friend, a pure, beautiful angel, out of his league. But now... This angel is confessing he had been in love with him the whole time! And not just that but he dies after that!

Dean losing again the love of his life after knowing he loved him back, is a new level of shock and despair to him. So Dean's reaction is just accurate and perfect!

And the scene crying alone in silence, not answering Sammy's phone call is SO SO IMPORTANT! He forgot about Chuck, about the world ending, about everything, because he only could think about Cas, and how he just lost him, and how he loves him the way Dean loves him, this whole freaking time.

To Conclude:

This was the most beautiful Destiel scene until now, and i only hope for the second Destiel canon scene, in which Dean will said I LOVE YOU TOO to his angel, closing his ILY journey, and rescuing Castiel. Maybe with the reset button, maybe entering into the Empty. But this is not the end, my friends, is just their starting.

Hugs! Love you all!

Tagging @metafest @gneisscastiel @emblue-sparks @magnificent-winged-beast @weird-dorky-little-deana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @mybonsai1976 @anarchiana @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @destielshipper221b @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @feathered-castiel @bre95611 @zoerayne2426 @justmeand-myinsight @that-one-fandom-chick @proccastinate @studio-hatter @pepevons @poorreputation @mrsaquaman187 @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @dwstiel @thislunarkiss @ladygon @shippsblog @la-random-fangirl @lets-try-this-again-please @mychemicalobsession514 @destiel-shipper-11

@asphodelesauvage @2musiclover2

Buenos Aires November 6th 8:54 PM

[meteorstricken]

2021 Fanfic Year In Review Tagged by @ante--meridiem. Thanks! I slithered my way down into a pretty severe bout of depression after around May of 2021, so this will be unfortunately brief. Total # of Completed Works

Four. Total Word Count 36,508

Fandoms I’ve Written In

FFVII Looking Back, Did You Write More Fic Than You Thought You Would This Year, Less, Or About What You’d Expected?

Much less than I believed I could at the beginning of the year, but much more than I thought I'd wind up with overall. There were a few months where I seriously considered possibly abandoning fic altogether, for good. Do You Have Any Fanfic Or Profic Goals For The New Year? Just that I write at all. I can't predict what my head's going to do that will or won't be permissive of writing.

What’s Your Own Favorite Story Of The Year?

Who Steals Her Peace Did You Take Any Writing Risks This Year? Participating in Sephiroth Week in spite of being very, very down. Apotheosis went very hard on existential/ value of being/ pseudo-theological things, to the point I'm fairly sure I might have committed some small sacrilege. (But, this bout of depression has been highly flavored with a crisis of faith, so who better to carry that weight than a character whose stated goal is attaining divinity? Wouldn't it be nice to have all the answers...)

Most Popular Story Of The Year? Who Steals Her Peace

Story Of Mine Most Under-Appreciated By The Universe, In My Opinion

The Ascendant Most Fun Story To Write

Nibelheim Man Burns Down Starbucks Most Unintentionally Telling Story Who Steals Her Peace

Looking back...Although I made the setting for it appropriate, I gave Tifa an emotionally tired outlook that was probably a warning that I myself was starting to slip.

Biggest Disappointment

I can't say that I'm particularly disappointed in anything I wrote. I can say I'm sorely disappointed in myself for allowing the smallest, most benign and well meaning of critiques to crawl under my skin and blow up into something much worse than what they really were, and for clinging to some older ones that were a little more vicious. If I can ever learn to stop treating hurts and scars like trophies--or at least be very selective of which ones I treat that way--I'll consider it a small miracle. Biggest Surprise

Going to have to say Sephiroth Week again. What I wrote was bizarre for sure, but it wasn't shitty. That's something. Tagging: @screamingvikings @elcasaurus @saanphoenix @tocasia if you're interested, and of course, anyone else who follows me who wants to as well.

[wreckofawriter]

I just hit 3.2k followers and I am baffled. This is crazy, I cannot thank you all enough for supporting my work.

As a celebration I am doing a writer challenge thingy! Bellow I have a list of prompts for my fellow writers to choose from if you want to participate.

~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~Rules~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

Take up to two prompts from which ever categories you want. They are first come first serve I will cross them out when two people have taken it

Send me a message or ask of the prompt(s) you are using and the character (can be any fandom and doesn't have to be reader insert)

Reblog this post (plz i don't want this to flop)

Tag me in your finalized fic

~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~Angst~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

1. "Its not that complicated. He's just a terrible person."

2. "I hold grudges cuz they're all I have left."

3. "Can't you see I'm in love with you?"

4. "Its pathetic, I can't believe I still care."

5. "How can you love them? After everything they've done?"

6. "Go on then! Leave! I don't need you anyway."

7. "I know you did your best, but it's just not enough."

8. "Just sit around and cry then. I don't have that luxury."

9. "Even if I could stop, I wouldn't."

10. "Don't act like this isn't you're fault. You're the one who broke us."

11. "I don't do second chances."

12. "I hope they haunt you, the things you've done."

13. "You don't even deserve to look at them."

14. "I miss the time when I thought you were a good person."

15. "They're better for you anyway."

16. "You were supposed to be the good one."

17. "I don't even recognize you anymore."

18. "You can't just pretend everything is okay."

19. "You still think that you can fix me?"

20. "I can't believe I actually thought you were different."

21. "I just can't do this anymore."

22. "Let me leave."

23. You can stop pretending you love me."

~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~Fluff~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

1. "I swear that was the cutest thing I've ever seen."

2. "I love you." "You mean like a friend?"

3. You weren't supposed to see me."

4. "Sometimes I wonder why I like you."

5. "I'm not even sorry."

6. "Your cuter with your mouth shut."

7. "You're blushing quite a bit for someone who doesn't like me."

8. "You are hotter than I thought you'd be."

9. "That looks really good on you."

10. "I got this for you, you know to make up for last night."

11. "You don't always have to be strong. Let me carry some of that weight."

12. "Thank you." "For what?" "Not leaving."

13. One date, just the one, I swear you won't regret it."

14. "Can I draw you?"

15. "God you make it hard to hate you."

16. "Wait... so you aren't dating him?

17. "Do you trust me?"

18. "I'm on you're side. I always will be"

19. "I think you're my soulmate."

20. "You left this. I just wanted to return it."

21. You do know not everyone wants to fuck you right?"

22. "You're special."

23. "You know what, I actually am taking this pretty personally."

24. "I bet you say that to all the guys/girls."

25. "Do you like annyoning me or is it something you just can't help."

26. "I will always come back. Always."

27. "You make it easy to love."

One final thing: I'm opening requests as a thank you for 3k <3

Tagging some ppl:

@approved-by-dentists @coffee--writes @im-a-writer-right @with1love1anu @omgrachwrites @sweeter-than-strawberries @angelinathebook @marauderswhisperer @dudders @teheharrypotter

[dangan-happy]

KAME-HAME FORGET ABOUT IT!

I would like to say thank you to mod taichi, mod rantaro and mod komaeda. I am the anon who was desperate, the one who struggles with academic issue, keep sleeping past midnight because of extra chores, and struggling with executive dysfunction. I don't know how to refer myself haha

It's funny, I saw the notification from your blog about my ask when I was REALLY in need of comfort unexpectedly. it was one of the worse day, I failed the selection to go to college I'm aiming for. there is an alternate way by taking a test but it was a huge and important thing for me, because other relatives would talk (or possibly brag) about how their children are doing wonderfully in academic stuff to my parents. I don't want my parents to feel embarrassed because of me. so of course, it gives me a LOT of anxiety. my heart is beating rapidly that my chest hurts so much.

Then I receive your response to my ask. It's very comforting, it calmed me down. I may teared up a bit. I really appreciate the advices, encouragements, and hugs. (I love hugs) Especially mod komaeda's advices. Thank you so much, I appreciate them. They really mean a lot to me. I didn't realize how much I needed all of these. To be honest, when I was re-reading my ask, I almost can't believe I typed all that. I didn't realize how much I struggled and desperate I am. It was truly a moment of weakness lmao

I've been struggling to respond your response because,, well. I'm still struggling haha. Unfortunately, after I send that ask, things are getting hella rough for me. It was one of those unlucky phase of time, where your days get worse each day, except this time is WAY worse because I'm going to graduate in a month and I have an important exam in two days. Then I got hit by other problems too like a member of my group project doesn't corporate so we were late to submit and it was even half done (it happened just a hour ago and it gives me an emotional breakdown because it was an important one but I'm fine now), I got blamed for something I didn't do (this happens a lot anyway but I'm very drained mentally and physically), I accidentally spat something that I've been keeping to myself to my parents and made them angry (I don't want to talk about my true feelings to them bc they only make me feel worse or worse, they get upset), more homeworks to catch up and more stressful stuff .

Basically anxiety is on my ass 24/7. It's the worst time of my life.

But whenever I hit rock bottom I would re-read your response and it lifts me up, you know? It always cheers me up reading your kind words about me, and as cheesy as it sounds, it makes me feel hopeful haha. But I never felt this hopeful before. So I'm very thankful for it, and thankful for the other mods who work hard helping other people too who come to this blog. Because even though I'm still struggling and facing the worst time right now, I'm not doing as bad as before.

Is it alright if I ask for another hug? Sorry, this whole ask ended up with me venting again haha. But I really am doing not as bad as before... I guess I'm doing better. Step by step maybe. Again, thank you so much!!

( By the way, this is out of topic but... hopefully people who know me don't recognize me on this blog for this question haha (if they do then oh well. shrugs): which one does look scarier for you, Once-ler from Lorax or the character designs from the movie called Cats (2019)? I'm not hating the movie, my friend and I are having a lighthearted discourse about it. u_u )

(Neither. Neither one is even that scary at all, for I fear nothing ~ Mod Hajime 🍊🌈)

---

O-Oh, welcome back, kiddo! Whoa, that’s quite the ask you got here. But it’s more or less an update, i-if I’m correct, and a decent one at th-that. Like you said, it’s all step by step progress, wh-which is still progress no matter how you look at it.

I-I hate to hear that there’s been a few extra bumps along the road since your last ask, b-but I’m at least glad to hear that you’ve been making some sort of progress. Progress is still progress, no matter what. I-I’m just glad that you came to us. I-I’m just some average programmer, but I will agree that Nagito and Rantaro did amazing. Nagito’s... quite the interesting kiddo, but he means well, and Rantaro’s a brotherly figure th-that everyone likes, one way or another. Me? Ah, well... I-I can at least give good hugs, I guess?

S-Speaking of hugs, I’d love to give you one. I-I can at least do that right, heh. I’ll give you as many hugs as you want, kiddo. I personally don’t mind at all.

-

Hey there anon, you don't have to worry about referring to yourself, I remember you just fine! Hey, how's that for awesome timing huh? I'm glad you could read our answers when you needed it. I'm sorry to hear that you were having a worse day, but hey, it sounds like there's a way to make that test up a different way, so I'd give your all to trying that route. Don't give up just yet ok? Damn, yeah, I'm no stranger to the whole family bragging thing, that's a whole lot of pressure I think both of us can do without. It's really thoughtful of you to worry about your parents in this scenario, but you can worry about yourself too ok? Regardless of what you do, they should still be proud of you, and if they aren't, they're completely oblivious to your intelligence level and the amazing things you can do. Aw, I'm smiling real hard hearing how much our response helped, I'm always worried that I didn't help, or I somehow made it worse. Not gonna lie, this did give me a confidence boost. Hey, it's ok, you were in a more emotional state. It wasn't a moment of weakness. Everyone breaks down like that from time to time, and I'm happy that we were here to help you at the time. So don't feel bad about that, you're only human, and it's ok to get like that.

You don't have to worry about having the perfect response either. As much as I wish we could, we can't automatically fix any anons' problems, we can only toss our two cents in and cross our fingers that it helps. The good news is that you came to us with your struggles again, so we can try to help some more. Eesh, yeah, those periods are never fun. Pretty sure Komaeda knows more about them than I do, but I can understand at the least. First of all, congrats on graduating! That's real impressive all by itself, so hopefully you can take some pride in that. Ugh, ok, wow, the second part of that. Damn I got hit with all the feels. I hate it when group projects go like that. I'm usually stuck with all the work, or the one who's up at one am trying to finish the damn thing. I think I'm getting kinda incoherent, so sorry about that. I'm glad you're doing better on that end though, hopefully things work out with that. Aw man, I'm really sorry to hear about the blaming thing. Is there any way to prove your innocence? I'm not saying go all class trial or anything, but is there any way for you to argue your case? Even if it happens a lot, that doesn't mean it's ok. You shouldn't have to get used to things like that.

Yikes, yeah I can totally relate to the last part too. I'm also the type to clam up about my feelings because I don't wanna make anyone mad, but that happens some times, and honestly you had every right to say how you feel. You're keeping this all in, and it's gonna take a toll on you. Yeah, that's a whole lot of stress for one person to carry. I'm really impressed you haven't crashed and burned under the weight, seriously, you're an amazing, strong, resilient/ person, and it just blows me away. Trust me, you're gonna get through this stressful time. You're getting close to the end of it, and I know that you're gonna make it through. Damn, I'm smiling and blushing now. I'm really really glad we were able to help you out that much. Good! It's not cheesy at all! I'm glad you're feeling hopeful! The little steps are just as valuable as the big ones, and the fact that you're at least doing a little bit better is fantastic. Of course you can have another hug! It's ok, we're here to listen to vents, so say whatever you want to, no one's gonna judge you, I promise. Yeah, step by step, that's how you do it. 

Oh damn, that's an interesting question. Honestly, I unironically love the Lorax movie, so the Oncerler ain't scary to me. Cats however...that was a trip. I don't have a better way to describe it, it was just a trip. So the Cats designs are way scarier. Like if I met the Onceler in a dark alley, I'd be just fine, but if I saw a cat-human-thing in a dark alley, I'd run for the hills. However, if I met the onceler fandom in a dark alley, that's a whole other story. Ok, I think I'm rambling again, so I think I better stop talking. Keep making those small steps forward ok? You got this.

W-wow... my advice actually helped someone? Please tell me your joking, or better yet pinching me. I can’t believe my little words could affect you so much.... I think I’m tearing up... hehe. I gotta admit, Rantaro and Taichi did a better job than me! What else do you expect from two amazing Ultimates! Anon, I’m terribly sorry to hear that some things have turned up and made your life a bit more harder, but I want you to keep your chin up ok? You’re doing amazing Anon, I can truly tell! Having a partner that doesn’t help with group projects stinks too! It’s ok that you vented again, it’s always good to speak your mind when you feel bad! Helps to let other people hear to so they can help you! And hey, compliments from Taichi? So nice of you! Never heard myself being called an “interesting kiddo” it’s cute!

I thought you’d never ask! I’d love to give you another hug! As long as you’d let me, I get worried when people want to hug me since I’m utter garbage, but if it makes you feel Hope, then I’m happy to oblige! Ah, and the Onceler or the designs of cats? I’d say the cats, I remember everyone having the hots for the Onceler once, so he can’t be that bad, right?

[candycanesuckers]

I have read through your blog. I have seen your arguments. I have seen your responses.

Your arguments are invalid. Do you seriously believe that you are the only person who watched the show who correctly interpreted the character?

And let's for a second talk about your take that since Kenji wasn't activity commiting terrorism so she had to frame him for her commiting terrorism-- because you can't have it both ways it's either terrorism or it's not. Saying that's that it's terrorism if Kenji did it means that it is terrorism when Stormfront does it. That is not something that a morally gray character would do.And obviously you agree with that considering the fact that you continuously mention that Kenji was a terrorist. Again despite not committing any acts of terrorism... Hmmm. And yet Stormfront did according to you.

Similarly in that same vein: you said that she is able to hold herself back from saying things that are not socially acceptable in her public persona because she has a platform. And you say that her using a slur--because y*llow bastard is a slur-- in private is not as bad as her saying something in public. Slurs shouldn't be part of anyone's vocabulary in public or in private.

And by the way you saying that he's pigmented blows my mind because I do truly believe you don't think it is racist. It is racist. Just because she's not dropping the n-word or the c-word does not mean that she doesn't hold very obvious prejudices! That she has carried out those beliefs by killing people. And I'm not talking about Liberty-- I'm talking about the terrorism that she committed on that apartment building's residents. By the way back to that point for a second-- If Kenji had killed anyone in that apartment building it wouldn't have been terrorism it would have been a killing spree. because it wouldn't have been politically motivated. Stormfront buy your own admission was committing terrorism because it was for political clout.

Also at one point you said Black Noir is point blank a morally bad character: What exactly has he done that Stormfront hasn't? I'm not saying that he's not a morally bad character. I'm saying that your view that Stormfront (a white woman) can be absolved of all of her bad actions while Black noir (a black man) can't is very telling as to your own personal beliefs.

You said in one of your asks that if someone came to you with new arguments and wasn't at all derogatory to you that you would not give straw hat arguments. I would love for you to point out some part of this that is in any way insulting. And is in any way inaccurate. I don't know how many people have watched this show, but you are the only one who seems to want to justify any of Stormfront's actions.

Since you like Stormfront seem to dislike the word Nazi (despite agreeing with a lot of the pillars of fascism) I've presented you with a new word for her: a terrorist.

I could go more in depth on all of your points in your pinned postbut I think we both know that you're not going to change your mind despite being wrong. You're wrong.

You've said that you being gay, the fact that gay people suffered in concentrations camps during the Holocaust, somehow absolves you of openly disrespecting people of color and Jewish people. Again: you don't get to have it both ways. To an Ashkenazi Jew you said that their views were less valid because their family suffered due to generational trauma they were too emotional to comment on Nazism. But then when people say you cannot comment on Nazism you say that your people have suffered due to the Holocaust. This is patently contradictory and a clear attempt to make it seem like your views matter more than anyone else's.

I know you're 14. You're a minor. This is an R rated show that you probably shouldn't be watching. But even so there is no textual support for your arguments. In fact there is quite a bit of textual evidence that directly opposes your views. You shouldn't need any form of analytical experience to interpret the obvious. Many people show runners, producers, the actress, and the majority of the fandom have interpreted this in the same way: Stormfront is a Nazi. There is no instance of the final product not matching the interpretation of the audience; you are not the target audience and even if you were you are in the minority.

I know that if you do respond one of your comments is going to be something along the lines of "oh you care so much you're willing to write an essay about why a 14-year-old is wrong." You're right I do care. I care. The obviously you do too based on what you have said. Saying that someone cares is not a way to discredit them. So come up with something better to say before you hit send.

I sincerely hope you answer this ask and if you don't I will assume you haven't read it and send it again.

The definition of terrorism:

the unlawful use of violence and intimidation, especially against civilians, in the pursuit of political aims.

Kenji was not created (and then released to the public) by Vought. He was raised by a separate militant terrorist group overseas, in which he adopted those extremist beliefs. There were no political motivations on Stormfront killing him -- he was a terrorist. If you believe Stormfront to be a terrorist due to her methods, then you must believe every other member of The Seven is a terrorist as well since this would not have happened if not for their aid.

And while slurs are bad (ignoring the fact that “yellow bastard” is not a slur but rather just explicit language), there are different levels of severity and earned consequences on the context of their usage. Someone saying it in private, where it would never become common knowledge and repeated to an impressionable audience, is not the same as someone saying slurs towards an audience that could be impacted by their language. 

Black Noir is a plainly morally-black character because he actively aids in terrorism and attacks without motive (the attack in Syria in the season 2 opener, unpromptedly attacking Starlight, and the attack on Butcher. These all had either political motivations or alternatively none).

You said you want me to point out parts of your argument(s) in which you were being rude, but like . . . You’re being polite, so why would I even try? And you’re aware of your attitude too since you indirectly pointed it out. The only thing I could say was wrong was that you called my opinions “invalid” -- there is no such thing as invalid opinions, only opposing. 

Then you talk about my sexuality, which is also odd since the whole point you make for that paragraph relies entirely on responses from me that you have mistakenly interpreted (whether purposefully or not). I never said that me being gay “absolves [me] of openly disrespecting people of color and Jewish people.” I never said, and would never say that (nor have I ever been disrespectful). I did say though that my sexuality does mean that my opinion, my voice, does have weight in it since gay people were also systematically oppressed within Nazi Germany. I don’t have any direct ties to people who were oppressed within the Nazi regime though, meaning there is not any generational trauma and my opinion wouldn’t be clouded by blind emotions.

[hai-se]

F/GO: Chronicles of a Master [Vol. 1] (pt. I)

Description: Has humanity fallen so deep into sin that others seek retribution against them?

Where is our salvation?

Where are our second chances?

Are we all created equal or are we all valued the same?

Why do we fight?

Why do I fight?

Will it ever be worth it?

The written diary of a master in Chaldea during their last leg. The one who was bestowed a burden that the world gave. They belong to no one but they belong to everyone. The secrets of Humanity's last master is told in the fashion of their diary. Fujimaru Ritsuka is only but a man filled with flaws like any human.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own fate grand order or any of its products as it belongs to Aniplex, or Type Moon or DW or Nasu.

The graphic designer of my cover is @TheDarkenIllusions

Pairings: N/A

Genre: Angst, Hurt and Comfort, Adventure

Warning: Gore, swearing, suicidal thoughts, depression, mental health, Spoilers for the game and light novels and manga.

Fandom: Fate/Grand Order and the Fate series.

Author’s Note: Can also be found at Wattpad under Hai_se_r__ and at Quotev at SiriusLyS. Also please don’t come @ me please lol, I just had this idea suddenly so sorry if my update schedule will be wack since there’s an Black Clover x FGO fic that I’m also working on which is my utmost priority rn since this series will have an irregular update schedule.

      It's terrifying, I think, to land in a burning city with the smell of rotting flesh and iron flooding your nose.

To look around you and see nothing but fire and ashes, to hear the world scream in death. It makes your eyes water to see the world be nothing but chaos. There are some exceptions to chaos, sometimes order can be found, but in the chaos of the city we landed in, there was no order, just plain anarchy.

When I woke up that day, I wasn't expecting to suddenly be in charge of the whole of humanity. I expected to die in the command room with Mash, holding her hand and giving her company for her last moments in the physical plane, not to live and to have traveled back in time.

Right. Traveling back in time, that whole other mess that I didn't even cover. Singularities are an unobservable region that does not exist within Chaldea's recorded history. It's as if a hole has opened up within the timeline, a hole that is separate from the regular temporal axis.

They are sustained by a Holy Grail, which is given to a certain individual within a key historical time period, typically someone who will use it to cause major disruption to history and destabilize the Human Order Foundations.

The power of the Grails and the circumstances within the Singularities allow for the summoning of Servants and their continued existence in the world, even without a Master.

The emergence of large Singularities cause disturbances and fluctuations in time which spread out tsough history like a wave, and can cause other, smaller Singularities to emerge at other points in time.

Because of humanity's destruction in 2015, due to the collapse of the Human Order Foundation, we're forced to travel to Singularities in the past in order to fix the irregularities of history caused by various Holy Grails.

This is the start of the Grand Order where we, Chaldeans, would rise up against human history for the sake of humanity and to combat fate itself.

But it's just starting.

It starts at the city of Fuyuki, the flame contaminated city, the city of blood and war.

The city of servants and masters.

We had only finished clearing the Fuyuki singularity, a relief it should be, but we've been burdened with greater weight.

I don't know how to feel. I think I'm still in shock.

The prospect of meeting heroes and traveling back in time seems unrealistic, goes to show how brilliant Chaldea's whole existence really is.

Chaldea would probably look more amazing to me if I wasn't too busy worrying about the future. The staff would would probably be less crabby in a day to day basis if there wasn't so much pressure and stress on them. Dr. Roman and the staff are current researching the next singularity which is a whole load of night shifts and pulling all nighters, which puts so much stress. Dr. Roman's the one who told me to write in a diary you know? Says that in the end, no one is going to remember or know of the journey we'll take, only us and the ones who live under this roof. I think I'd like to write more than our journey.

It's a nice thought I think.

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, I suppose, to meet heroes from various eras, to meet your idols. It would sound good to anyone. It'd be the best way to catch fish someone, honestly, but then again who would believe of legends and powers in our era?

It's hard knowing that in the end, I'd probably remember this whole journey as a delusion and hallucination as I grow older and lose memories. The people I'll meet will be dismissed and the affections and the humanity that's expressed will fade into background. Maybe even the lessons I'll learn will only end up as ridiculed thoughts.

But....

It's not just me.

The journey to save humanity seems like a long path through treacherous obstacles but I'm not just fighting for myself right?

It won't be JUST me.

I'm not the one who carries the burden alone.

It's a lot of weight to carry the whole world on your shoulders. They say I'm the one who'll struggle the most but I think the ones who will are the ones who'll be in the command room, staying awake for hours on end and researching. They're homesick, tired, weary, exhausted, and most importantly, people.

They'll be the ones forced to watch on the sidelines unable to help anyone or anything, nothing to quench and quell their thirst to help, to do something.

But we have to be strong.

We have to give our best.

It has to be enough.

It will always have to be enough.

It can't not be enough.

To waver is to leave yourself open to your enemies.

I suppose watching anime and shows really do help real life.

'Till next time, I guess.

F. Ritsuka

[freifraufischer]

I really really hope they don't destroy swan believer tomorrow, but judging by the pics I should be prepared for the worst. I love SQ, and I'm one of those that also liked Neal and wished they had developed him better, but if we look at it, Neal died to protect the town, but mostly Henry, his thoughts before dying was for his son, so the rumours and now pics of tomorrow episode only show to me that Emma may be willing to leave Henry behind to have other children with hook.i can't even.

You know…  I feel like I want to articulate something before this episode airs because after it we will probably all have lost this moment of how we feel about it.

I am not a big fan of Emma Swan as a character.  I liked her potential in the first few years but I’ve felt since, really season 3 even before the rise of CS that they kept telling me she was things that they didn’t show me.  That she was a Savior yet the town seemed to be saved by everyone.  I hadn’t really seen her do anything particularly special beyond what any other character in the main cast had done at different times.  She wasn’t the one who defeated every villain or sacrificed for the town.  In fact the only time she herself sacrificed was the season 4 final and the season 6 final when she took the Darkness and when she walked into Gideon’s blade.  But see I could point out Rumple killing himself and his father in order to save his family.  Snow and David crushing his heart to cast the second curse and save a kingdom.  Regina undoing the curse in season three.  Even Zelena giving up her magic in order to stop the Black Fairy.  Self sacrifice, pain for the greater good… for those you love is in the fabric of the show and Emma wasn’t unique in this so I never felt like they told me why I should see her as a Savior capitol S.  And it was just made worse when you would have other characters literally attribute others actions to her (Snow and David suggest she defeated Cora and Anton … when Emma had nothing to do with one and wasn’t even in town for the second, and Hook says she defeated Pan and Zelena).  It’s literally a case of tell not show about how special and heroic Emma was when if they had stuck to telling me she was a hero and a good woman I would have not had this same feeling of unearned praise.

I think there is a similar feeling for me about Emma as Henry’s mother.  There are some really beautiful moments when I feel her as a mother coming through.  The season 1 final.  The fire escape in Manhattan.  The scene in early season 4 where she is talking to Henry and then talking to David about talking to Henry.   But for the most part I just don’t think they put a lot of effort into showing me Emma as mother.  But they did spend a lot of time telling me she was.  In my opinion they spent a lot more time investing in showing and devloping Regina and Henry’s relationship and just kind of expected Emma and Henry to be accepted as given.  Much like the labor of Savior.

I honest to god don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow.  The set is no where near as leaky this year as it has been in previous years.  We do know that Emma is pregnant not only because of the very obvious picture of her and Hook touching her belly but because a production assistant told several fans on set the first day JMo filmed that she was.  It’s been an open secret in the fandom since that was shot and I don’t know why I didn’t say it earlier.  Maybe because I’ve been slightly annoyed by the idea of the implication that this was the tip of the ice berg and that people knew more than that.  They don’t.  No one could see the scene shot.  Look at the stills.  It wasn’t a place they could have fans hanging out on the side lines.

So we’ve got a limited set of information and we have to piece things together but I think in the end there is really only two options broadly speaking:

She dies, is cursed, or something that writes her off for good.  Protecting Henry would be the obvious way to do this.  

She leaves and goes back to Storybrooke to live out her life without ever being seen again.

What happens to or doesn’t happen to Hook is a secondary consideration to this.  And the thing is… the writers can write in all sorts of mcguffins or plot justifications to make her leaving okay.  She doesn’t know he’s in trouble (yet he called for help), she doesn’t know there is a curse coming, they’ve written this time flow thing to work this way so that if she stays she misses out on a child’s life, she’s pregnant (clearly not that far along since she’s not visibly so).  But the thing is that none of that has gravitas.  None of it means anything to anyone but shippers who want to write fan fic about cute baby princesses.  The audience has six years invested in Emma and Henry’s relationship.  

It’s the ultimate test of show not tell for her character.

She’s either Henry’s mother or she’s not.  He is the story they’ve been telling.  Not some hypothetical baby we’ll never see and never be invested in.  Henry is the boy we saw grow up and we saw her have a relationship with.  Henry is the one whose life and family we’re now seeing in danger through the course of the season.  There is just no way to give a second child the emotional weight that he has to make a tough decision between him and this child carry any real narrative weight for anyone except a very small subset of people who are more invested in the idea of the child than the narrative of the story.

It’s not, as a particularly offensive post a few days ago from a part of the fandom suggested that people think her having a second child means she loves Henry less.  It’s about the integrity of the narrative they’ve been telling about a noble and heroic woman who fought for and built a relationship with her son walking away.  If they do that for any reason then they will have committed the show’s worst “tell not show” moment in telling me she was his mother of two true love kisses.

And why should I trust their narrative choices with other characters if they’re so ready to throw them away with Emma?

[getoffthesoapbox]

Thank u so much for your answer, sweetie. VK fandom isn't very well with unpopular opinions, so thank u for not judging. If I'm not bothering you with my questions than I'm glad. The thing I hate about VK is that Zero so tied-up to Kaname and Yuki. I want him to break free from these two monsters. I'm sorry, but I can't understand Zero's endless love for Yuki. I just can't get it! Don't u think it's unhealthy or just light form of madness? He's ready to wait for her all his lifetime,

(continue) he’s ready to live without children, if she don’t want one. I can swear he would be OK to have only Ai, but Yuki is so gentle, thank her for Ren. My gosh. Zero is so okay to see only Yuki, never ever think about another woman. I think he obsessed with her too, he madly in love with her, not like Kaname, but he has another addiction to her. there’s many other fish in the sea, but he’s so sure he will love her until the end of his days. Why? Why only Yuki, Zero? Why her? I’m done :(

Anytime, dearie!

One of Zero’s greatest flaws (and one of the greatest sources of consternation for his fans) is that he has…no sense of entitlement. Zero is a man who appreciates what he receives in his life, even if that’s not much at all. He’ll put up with a great deal just because he’s grateful to have even that little. 

First of all, he’s a man who’s lost everything. His parents were murdered, his brother died in his arms, the girl he loved ended up engaged to the person who orchestrated his parents’ deaths. All the hunters, while they respect Zero, hold him at arms’ length because he’s a vampire and not a human. Kaien treats him like an afterthought (Kaname was always Kaien’s darling, at Zero and Yuuki’s expense). Given all of this, and given the fact that Yuuki did eventually return to him, I think sometimes we all forget just how much Yuuki means to Zero in light of all he’s been through.

I do think the reason Zero is so attached to Yuuki is because she’s the last rock in his life. She’s the reason he wakes up in the morning, the reason he’s still alive. She’s the last one to have known Ichiru. They share a very deep connection grounded in history. She’s always defended him and looked out for him, even when he pushed her away. He’s always said that his life is hers to do with as she wishes, and he’s a man of his word. 

On the surface, Zero’s appreciation for whatever scraps Yuuki will give him is fine. If he’s content, then who are we to judge? However, as people who love Zero (which I can tell that you are, and which I certainly am), our hearts bleed for him because we know the world can offer him so much more than he’s letting in. He is selling himself short, he’s not realizing his worth, and he’s not realizing his full potential by accepting his current lukewarm and uncertain status with Yuuki. 

Right now I would say Zero and Yuuki are in an unhealthy codependent relationship. They “need” each other as a blood source, but Yuuki in particular has so many issues that she can’t properly reciprocate in the relationship. Zero, for his part, is just so darn grateful that she’s alive and that she’s responding to his feelings at all in any capacity, which is more than he’s ever had in his life. Zero may not even know how to ask for “more” from Yuuki because he literally has never experienced “more.” What Yuuki’s giving him now is more than he’s ever received from her or anyone, and he’s the kind of man to appreciate that (which is endearing, but sad as well).

This leads to Zero enabling Yuuki to not pull her weight in the relationship. He’s not expecting anything of her. He’s carrying the whole relationship by himself. He’s asking for nothing from Yuuki other than perhaps some blood every now and then. He has no expectations. This is not an equal partnership and is unhealthy for both of them. Ultimately this status quo can’t continue forever, and one or the other of them is going to need to call this mess out for what it is. 

I do believe, given how Zero becomes bitter again in VKM 1, that either Zero or Yuuki is going to eventually say “enough’s enough” and draw some lines in the relationship. Back in Arc 1 of the original series, Yuuki used to be fantastic about calling Zero out on not valuing himself properly. She’s failed in that task recently, but that was one of the things that made their relationship so stable originally, and I hope they can return to that. Currently, Zero’s only feeding into Yuuki’s guilt complex by letting her get away with not fulfilling her obligations in the relationship. If they’re to have a relationship at all, she needs to be giving just as much as she’s taking, and Zero needs to be taking just as much as he’s giving. Right now the balance is off, and it’s likely contributing to Yuuki’s guilt spiral. 

That all being said, I do expect Zero to eventually stand up for himself again, and I think we’ll see that happen before they become official. =) Plus, one thing I try to keep in mind about Zero is that he actually knows more about Yuuki right now than we, the readers, do. Perhaps he understands her better than we do as well. 

Right now all I can do is place my faith in him (and in Ai) that he’ll know what’s best for himself and everyone he loves. He is the light of VK, after all. ;)