#i can't really say much for meat lantern though?

[melonisopod]

Thinking about the EGO gifts Don has in her new LobID.

Fragment of the Universe is an alien with eldritch knowledge. Those who learn its secrets go mad.

Void Dream gives people dreams so pleasant and beautiful and ideal that they sleep forever, refusing to return to the waking world.

Don Quixote went insane after reading a whole library's worth of books on chivalry and knighthood and DonDon has two EGO gifts related to going insane and escaping reality.

Also she bites people now!

[butchsophiewalten]

Findjackwalten 07/14/23 Update Walkthrough

Last night Findjackwalten updated! We've got one page update and two new pages. Let's start:

Findjackwalten.com

Our main page has updated! Jack and Rose's pictures are gone, and the whole page is greyed out now as opposed to being red. The shutdown text has changed to read "You just couldn't stay home, could you?". The play button here still works, with all new audio. It's a car radio, first it's an afternoon weather report, then just some talk radio intermission, and then it's music. There's also car noise, tires on asphalt, chair squeaks, turn signal, and general Car Creaking.

I've already seen some people theorize that this is audio from Felix's drive home after the crash, but that doesn't make a lot of sense to me since that's already what Guilty is. Feels redundant, as much as I love the idea of Felix driving home listening to Yummy Yummy Yummy by Ohio Express.

Findjackwalten.com/martinguaridasecretanoentrar

This page's URL and title is in Spanish. It just means "Martin secret lair do not enter" and the title "q pasa tia" in this context is like, "whats up, girl?". Kinda gossipy. Meant to invoke a vibe that you're being let in on a secret.

The top of this page reads "92%", referring probably to the percentage of TWF4 that is completed. The rest of the page contains "3 funny walten facts" Which are:

"Bon the rabbit was originally called Bon the Dancing Hare by Jack, ultimately Felix vouched against that because Rabbit sounds friendlier."

This is so fun to me! I did always think Bon was pretty hare-like. Funny that Jack wanted Bon to be a Jackrabbit. Also I can't believe "Bon The Dancing Rabbit" is still real. It's been so long since I've heard anybody call him that I kinda figured it was retconned.

"During the late 70s, BSI expanded further than restaurant chains, the showstoppers became famous for way different products such as random merch, plushies, furniture, toys, watches, bed sheets, lanterns, masks, lamps, toilet seats. BSI most succesful product was "Showstopper's Comedy Extravaganza", a 1977 animated TV show that ran for 3 seasons and was cancelled in the 1979's to make room for a "bigger project". it is unknown what was the cause for BSI to milk the showstopper franchise to that extent, what was the money for?"

This is something we sorta already knew? Relocate Project implied this sort of thing But I guess we didn't really know how successful their merch ventures were until now. Turns out, they were pretty successful! The "Showstopper's Comedy Extravaganza" thing is crazy to me though, three seasons? That 'what was the money for?' comment is also very ominous. It makes me think of the planned relaunch of Bon's Burgers but considering how vague the comment is and how the Bon's Burgers relaunch was something we already knew about, I'm wondering if it's something else.

"Sophie lived on the back of a meat store for the better part of 3 years, she managed."

How do I even comment on this. This is just so fucked. It makes me sick to my stomach. She was homeless for three years? Homeless? For three years? As a teenager? I feel like i'm undergoing hitherto unexperienced Sophie Emotions. What the hell do I even say.

Findjackwalten.com/btscene

Just a whole page of behind the scenes stuff! This is also hard to comment on, really. It'd be easiest if you just went and looked at everything yourself.

There's a little play button here with Anything Goes by Cole Porter, but I think it's been edited to sound more echo-y. Like it's being played in a big empty room, but also like the next room over? I've listened to a few versions of this song before but none that sound quite like this. This is also the song that's referenced lyrically in the new years 2022 version of /investigation1, with this bit of writing:

A decent bit of the stuff on this page is from the old Patreon, but not all of it, or even like, half of it. And some stuff (like the blue and purple Felix drawing) is old concept art that had been shared in the Discord server before.

[howlingday]

since we're talking about a dc rwby au, i actually had an idea for jaune in gotham learning under cat woman on how to be a thief. at first it's mainly because he's desperate to help his family who're struggling to make ends meat. but after a while he really starts to enjoy the thrill of his job. right up until he manages to get himself caught up in some supervillain bullshit and now he's a known entity to both sides.

taking the name Tom Cat as his persona his main ability is his bullshit luck and improv skills, he always seems to find the perfect way to get out of a situation.

might be fun to keep rwby as superheroes also pyrrha as wonder woman, nora as hawk girl (but with a hammer), and ren as green lantern.

meanwhile jaune's neither hero nor villain. the guy just wants to make some money and dip out but finds himself fighting both sides to save the world (mainly because he keeps all his stuff there)

Hm, interesting. For now, though, let's explore the Jaune Arc as Catwoman's apprentice angle. And now, without further ado, I present unto you...

TOM CAT

---------------------------------------------------

Gotham City wasn't perfect. In fact, it was the exact opposite of perfect. One could argue it as the physical manifestation of Murphy's Law. What can go wrong out here, will go wrong out here. Even in the suburbs on the outskirts of Gotham proper. But it was still my home.

Home. It's weird calling it that. I don't even know if I'm from this world. Mom took me in after a job gone wrong, and I'm just the one stray who hasn't ran off yet. Well, me and Cleocatra, but I still have all my teeth.

But back to the important business, I'm not from Gotham. In fact, according to Mom's b- I mean, Mr. Wayne, I'm not even from Earth. Something about my "genetic makeup" is similar, but completely different from other humans.

But that doesn't change the fact that I'm my mother's son. Sure, we may not look exactly alike, but she's still my mom. She taught me everything I know. I learned how to walk, talk, know my directions, and even how to crack a ShelLock safe blindfolded!

All the important life lessons for a future up-and-coming world-class thief. Just like Mom.

"36... 24... 36..." It wasn't actually that, but I saw it on TV, and it's been stuck in my head ever since. Mom doesn't like it, but she never told me why, so I figured that if I'm going solo on a job, I might as well keep saying it. What's the worst that could happen?

CLICK!

"Don't move, Cat."

Oh, right. Remember Murphy's Law? Well, it's here, and it gets better. Jaune heard a click, and the man muttered away from him. Yup, this party was about to get bigger. But Jaune had it under control. Really.

"Can you order a pizza while you're at it?"

"Shut the hell up. Do you know who's safe that is?"

"If I guess right, what do I win?"

Ah, right. The ol' gun to his head. A classic, never out of style choice. Personally, he would have preferred a comic book, but beggars can't be choosers, right?

With a spin, the gun was knocked to the air and a fist nestled deep into the goon's gut. Flick of a wrist later, and the gun fell to the ground. A headbutt here, a backfist there, and the thug was down.

No time for witty one-liners. Cash, jewels, and whatever else was in the safe was shoveled into the bag. Even found a neat folder inside. Wasn't a comic book, but it'll do.

Hop, skip, and a jump later, and the room was free of both cat and cash. Now for the long trek home. Thankfully, it wasn't too bad a run. All he had to do was get to the train station and-

Oh no.

Either there was an eclipse was tonight, or everything was about to get so much more complicated. Jaune could've stopped and let the nice Batman go easy on him, or he could keep all of his hard-earned loot. Decisions, decisions.

Never was good at making the smart choices.

Leaping across rooftops, being chased by a legend himself is no easy task, but nothing Jaune wasn't used to. As his face met the hard ground of the rooftop, he wished he could say that.

"What are you doing out here?"

"Would you believe me if I told you I was sleepwalking?" A thumb pressed into Jaune's hand. "OW! OW! OW! OKAY, I WAS DOING A BURGLARY!"

"Who did you steal from?" Jaune felt the pressure ease up, but the thumb remained where it was.

"I dunno, some guy's place!" Jaune felt the thumb press a little. "No, really! I don't know! All I know is he had a security guard or two!" The thumb pressed more. "AGH! OKAY! IT WAS ARMANO MORETTI, OKAY?!"

The thumb was lifted off, and the legend turned Jaune to meet him face-to-face. Pointed mask and near-snarling grimace confirmed Jaune's worst fears.

"Does your mother know you're out here?"

"No, she doesn't."

Ice filled his veins as his blue eyes widened. Jaune glanced to the side and saw his mom walking up to him. He recognized her walk, too. It wasn't her usual, "teasing Mr. Wayne" walk. No, this was her "Mama Kyle" walk, as in what she did when Jaune screwed up.

"H-Hi, Mom."

"Hello, Tom." She growled. Jaune felt so small under her glare. "So this is you 'hanging out at Tony's later'?" Jaune gulped as she sighed. "What did you steal?"

ZIP!

The bag came open, and the loot started getting rummaged through. Stacks of bills. Deeds, diplomas, and permits. Pearls, emeralds, and so many golden trinkets. All swiped from one place. However, of all of the loot, only one stood out from the rest.

Without a word, Batman took the folder and opened it. Swiping and flipping through the pages, he tapped the side of his mask. He shut the folder and set it back in the pile.

"Leaving so soon?" She asked.

"You already have your hands full. And now, so do I."

And there he goes, off as silently as he arrived. Y'know, before he smashed into the pavement. Still, it was hard to believe he was letting Jaune go AND leaving the loot! What a great night!

"Tom," Jaune gulped as he heard that warning tone of her, "we have a lot to talk about."

'However do you mean, sir?'

---------------------------------------------------

"The file contained a list of assassins, Alfred. Some of whom I more than recognize."

"And I myself as well.". Alfred replied through communications. "I seem to recall a similar gathering with these exact individuals as well.".

"Falcone is hiring assassins, Alfred; assassins who are going after rival crime bosses."

"I see. And what of the other names on the list? They certainly don't appear to hold the same criminal element.".

"No, but it's still lives at stake."

The names raced through his mind like an assassin's bullet. Tomorrow night, the hubt began, and four names caught his attention the most.

Bruce Wayne

Selina Kyle

Tom Cat

Batman

[inkandpaintleopard]

And now... Second Coming

The opening cutscene was a big surprise the first time through, still really neat to see it

Though I can't really tell if this is meant to be before or after Week 2. I THINK it's before since BF specifically says he's going to the candy store, but he has his souped up design

Great either way, and the other corrupted he's bantering with is funny

Onto the REAL meat and potatoes

Skid's eyes flickering between cyan and orange is interesting to me. This implies that while Eyes' powers offer a resistance to the corruption, it can still be overpowered by it with enough force

And then we have THIS. Lots of things to talk about, here.

First off: custom health bar!! Seems to start at max too, which is interesting

Second: this entire thing looks to be some kind of mindscape that the two share now, with the corruption. And on that note...

Third: the hearts. I have. NO idea how Skid managed this- it's like he swapped part of Pump's heart/soul with his own, thus also granting Pump resistance, but HOW? Is it weird cult magic? Is their bond just that strong? some other third thing??? This was completely unintentional on Skid's part too, but if he hadn't had done it they both would have been doomed

Also

I just REALLY like Pump's design here. Jack o' Lantern esque Pump is a thing not a lot of people do for some reason, and I don't know why

I ALSO like how echo-y their voices are! Because they're corrupted!! They shouldn't be here, but they ARE.

Honestly I could go on an ENTIRE rant about this. Skid is shellshocked. Pump just wants things to be okay. Things haven't BEEN okay, not since Moloch dragged them to Hell. But they still have each other.

(cont.)

*UNHOLY SCREAMING* YEEEESSSSS I LOVE THINKING ABOUT THIS WHOLE LITTLE BIT

I DON’T EVEN HAVE MUCH TO ADD YOU’VE KINDA COVERED IT

Pump as a Jack o’ Lantern is a proven really good concept and yes more people should do it. I love the way he looks here and YEAH THE WAY THEY SOUND. Idk if you’ve noticed this but Boyfriend’s voice also kinda alters once he’s corrupted, I think that’s an awesome detail.

[zhongli-topper]

Hello, that Zhongli fic is *chef kiss* can I request dom reader with xiao, with orgasm denial, overstimulation but also praising him? Can the reader be gn? but fem reader is fine too. I've can't stop thinking about this man please, sadly he didn't come home so I'm here stalking xiao tag 😔

xiao x dom reader - taking care of him (nsfw)

pairing: xiao x gn reader includes: praise, orgasm denial, overstimulation, light dom reader/sub xiao a/n: thank you so much, lovely! 💖 sorry for the delay, i got busy with life. i love xiao, he’s baby and he absolutely deserves to be taken care of~

“Xiao.”

It never fails to astonish him, how just the way you say his name can feel like a caress, and you don’t even need to touch him. Despite his instincts, despite the voices that tell him to take up his burdens in solitude, he finds himself drawn to you like a moth to light.

“Come here?”

Under the lantern-light of your room at the Wangshu Inn, your voice is somehow softer, your gaze darker than the velvety night sky settling over Dihua Marsh.

He approaches you on the bed, stance wary like a cat’s. You know his caution is born of necessity, a natural outcome of his thankless and eternal battle, but right now it mainly makes you want to hold him and comfort him and try to help him untangle that ball of pain, even if just a little. Even as he sits on the bed next to you, his body’s tense, and still fully dressed even though you’re ready to sleep, if you felt like sleeping, which you didn’t.

You turn slightly towards him and place your hand over his, and the warmth of your skin seeps even through his glove, and even to a two-thousand-year-old adeptus, the mystery of human touch is still something unfamiliar to him—though with you, he’s learning to grow accustomed to it.

It had been a relatively slow process, even in mortal, human terms. After Xiao had begun to accept your fleeting, friendly touches during your acquaintance, it had taken a while for him to reciprocate, and even longer for either of you to progress into more physical, intimate forms of affection.

In that time you had learned to read the subtle shifts in Xiao’s moods, the quiet differences of his anger and sadness, and the rare, sun-bright glimpses of his happiness. For him, learning to be vulnerable was—and still is—an uphill battle, but in the time you two had been together, you could sense what he needed, and right now, with his brow drawn and hand clenched beneath yours, you were determined to give it to him.

“Xiao,” you say again, and flip his hand to thread your fingers through his. “You seem tense. Did anything happen today?”

“No,” he answers automatically. Then he frowns. “I’m the same as ever. What makes you say that?”

You’re a little stung at his blunt tone, but you know he means nothing by it. You shrug. “I know you, Xiao. I’d hope you would give me a little more credit after all this time.”

He looks at you fully then, and his frown deepens as though he’s disappointed in something. “I—I know.” He blinks, his lashes fluttering. His gaze grows determined then, and squeezes your hand in return. “I need…”

“Yes?”

“Just…” He shakes his head, a frown etched into his features. “Memories of the war. They’re… being difficult to deal with again.”

He averts his gaze from yours, suddenly shy. “I… thought I would ask if you…” His mouth presses into a thin line as he cuts himself off, seeming to be embarrassed at what he was asking you to do.

“What did you want to ask me?” you encouraged him.

“If you would… help me to forget. To stop thinking about it.” As he said it, a pink tinge bloomed across his cheeks, an endearing sight that clued you in as to what kind of activity he had in mind. You turn your hand over and twine your fingers with his, and you’re happy to see him reciprocate rather than shy away as he had done in the past.

Giving him a small smile, you nod. You pull him closer, slow enough for him to get comfortable, and press your lips to his. “Then, let me take care of you, Xiao.”

~*~

You kiss him, slow and deep, and he melts under your touch, his hands grasping at your shoulders, your arms and chest, anchoring himself to your body. He’s taken off his accessories, leaving him in his sleeveless top and pants. In between kisses, his breaths already have an uneven quality, as he presses himself into the warmth of your body.

You pull back to catch your breath, and see that even with his eyes closed, his brow is still clenched, and you smooth over the crease between his eyebrows with your thumb, following it up with your lips. He shifts on your lap, and you can feel through his pants that he’s already half-hard, and trying not to rut against your thigh.

You smile against his skin. “You’re doing so well, Xiao,” you whisper, kissing close to his ear after you say it. You can feel him shiver, just slightly, at your praise, which you’ve learned is something that really gets him going.

“Do you want me?” you ask, just to make sure.

His fingers clinging onto your shoulders tighten and he nods fervently, refusing to meet your eyes.

“Please.”

You swallow the rest of his panting breaths by sealing your mouth over his, and slowly you push up the fabric of his shirt, his tight shirt that never left much to the imagination. Xiao might have been small, but his body was solid and muscular, and his naked skin under your hands was hot. You could feel the vibrations of his soft moans as your palms dragged up his toned torso, over his abdomen to splay your fingers over his chest and play with his nipples.

“Y/N…” he pants, forehead pressed to yours. “I…”

“Shh,” you say. “I said I’d take care of you, love.” You let your mouth trail over his jawline and down his neck, enjoying the little huffs of breath he lets out. “You deserve to be taken care of.”

You feel him hesitate. It’s always been difficult for him to admit to it, that he is worthy of such gentle, loving attention, but you want to make it known to him that he is.

Your lips descend to his chest, and you swirl your tongue around his erect nipples, drawing small gasps from the adeptus. He soon grows pliant beneath your caresses, and you easily push him down to lie on his back, and place the hem of his shirt in his hands so he can hold it up.

“Keep that there,” you instruct him in between kisses down his abdomen, until you reach his waistband and the tent he’s forming in his pants. His lips are trembling as he looks down at you, already sensitive from your kissing. He attempts to reach down with one hand but you bat it away, prompting him to return to holding his shirt up, and you slowly pull his pants down.

He’s already hard, the tip of his dick starting to leak precum, and you press your palm to its top before sliding it down his shaft and encircling him in a loose fist. You pump him a few times, and lower your head to his hips.

Your eyes flick up towards Xiao’s, and you can see him biting down on his knuckles, unwilling to make noise. You pause in your movements, looking at him meaningfully, and he growls into his skin.

“I want to hear your voice, Xiao,” you tell him, “I want to hear the sounds you make when you’re feeling good.” With your other hand, you let your nails dig into the muscle of his thigh.

He gasps at the sudden pain, releasing his hand from his teeth, then frowns at you, but you’re already smoothing the hurt over with kisses, getting closer to his cock.

“Don’t hold back,” you tell him. “That’s an order.”

He only grunts in response, but you stop moving and give him a pointed look until he says, “…I won’t.”

Pleased, you finally give attention to his cock. You start to leave a line of small, light kisses up the side of his shaft, lips fluttering over his heated skin until he’s gasping and barely stopping himself from bucking his hips in search of more friction.

“Good boy,” you say, “you’re following my instruction.”

He mewls as you give tiny licks to his cockhead, tasting the slightly salty flavor of precum, before swallowing it whole and sealing your lips over his shaft.

“Aa-ah!” He trembles, suddenly engulfed by the wet heat of your mouth. You close your fist around him and pump in tandem with your head, slowly building the intensity until his eyes glaze over and his hands threaten to rip the fabric of his top. All the while, he moans and whimpers, and you can see how his lips tremble in embarrassment before letting the sounds out.

You release him with a pop and his hazy stare goes to you, hips chasing after your face only to be stopped by a hand on his hip. You look down at him, and he’s so cute, panting underneath you, you can’t help but grin.  

“You look so cute like this,” you tell him, “feeling good under me. I like how you’re moaning too~”

His eyes widen and then his brow clenches, blushing hard at your praise. You give him a little kiss on the nose, his lashes fluttering at the contact. He had been getting close, you could tell, but you wanted to tease him some more.

You push his legs up and spread them, using your thumbs to massage around the cleft of his ass.

“Aah!” A high-pitched gasp leaves him, your fingers having taken him by surprise. His golden eyes fly towards you, in between his thighs, spreading his asscheeks to have access to his entrance.

“Nnh… that’s…” He bites his lip and trails off, apparently lost for words. You grope around for the bottle of oil you keep in your nightstand before spreading some over his hole, then continuing to massage around it, loosening up some of the tension in his muscles.

Apparently you’re taking too long, because he growls and says “Stop teasing,” which might have sounded threatening if not for the pleading, high-pitched note in his voice. At his demand, you let your nails dig in to the meat of his thigh—not too hard, but just hard enough to draw a small hiss of pain from your mewling lover.

“I said I’d take care of you, and I will,” you tell him. “Or don’t you trust me, baby?”

He grumbles and has to avert his eyes before saying, “…Yes. I do. Sorry.”

Xiao chews on his lip when you slip one finger inside, then eventually another. His small gasps are coming out in an uneven staccato, his hips writhing slightly as he tries to get your hand to hit that sweet spot inside of him. You settle in between his legs, adding a third finger, and he moans, clenching at the bedsheets.

“Fuck,” he groans, “please, deeper.”

You do as he says and curl your fingers as you drag them against his insides, and he all but howls when you press against his prostate.

“Y-Yes! There—ngh,” he gasps, opening his bleary eyes, looking down at you in a daze. You smile, keeping your fingers buried inside him, and grip the base of his still hard cock tightly. Sweat is sticking his dark fringe to his forehead and beading on his skin.

He presses the back of his hand to his mouth, his hips rutting into your fist, but you’re not moving, holding him too tightly. Rather than giving him pleasure, your hand is keeping him from cumming, even as you continue to pump your fingers inside of his tight hole.

“Please let me cum,” he begs, stilling his hips with effort, his thighs shaking as you keep thrusting at his prostate. He whimpers, clearly at the edge and overwhelmed at the sensation of being so close and denied his release.

“You can hold on for me,” you coo, your voice sweet. “You’re taking my fingers in so easily. You look so hot begging for me, I want to see more of it. Can you spread yourself open, baby boy?”

Panting, he lets out little huffs of breath as he bends his legs up, pressing his thighs against his chest, opening his legs wider. His face is bright red, his voice growing in volume when you resume thrusting your fingers and lower your head to take him in your mouth again.

Xiao sobs, the warm heat of your mouth engulfing his weeping cock, driving him closer to his peak even as you still grip his base.

You drag your tongue along his length in time with your fingers on his sweet spot, and he bites his lip bloody.

He all but screams, his hips and thighs shaking. His eyes are glazed and he seems lost for words, aware of nothing but the sensations your hands and mouth are giving him.

“I need to cum,” he cries, “c-close, please—”

He’s held out for long enough. You drag the hand on his shaft up along with your mouth, sealing your lips around his sensitive head, while aiming for his prostate once again. Like clockwork, his fists clench in the sheets and he cums, spilling down your throat.

You swallow down the salty, bitter taste of his spend, hearing him begin to quiet above you, but you're not done with him yet. You nudge again at his spot and give his cockhead a broad lick before sucking him back in.

He makes a noise of surprise, trying to watch as you don’t stop, but his entire body shivers from the overstimulation, and he's unable to prop himself up, instead shaking and boneless under your hands and mouth on the bed.

You pull your mouth off him for just a brief moment and say, “You said you needed to cum, baby. So be good and cum for me some more, huh?” You lock your eyes with his blurry gaze and keep them there as you begin to suck him off again.

“Ngghh,” he groans, and it doesn’t take too long until he’s shaking and fully hard again, and close to a second orgasm. When you feel him approaching his peak, you release his cock from your mouth, pulling a frustrated groan from Xiao as he cums a second time, a dry one, as his hips bear down on your fingers inside him.

“Good boy, Xiao,” you say when his lashes flutter open, slits of gold peering at you.

His whole body is trembling even after you pull your fingers out of him, and you kiss his sweat-slicked brow before wiping his cum off his stomach. He finally lets go of the sheets and then blinks at the torn fabric that falls from his hands.

“…You ripped the sheets,” you say with a laugh. “Was it that good?”

He grumbles again, turning on his side. “You kept going. I’m blaming you.”

Still smiling, you slide into bed behind him, and lay an arm around his waist. You can feel his soft exhale when you wrap around him, and he subtly nudges himself back, further into your embrace.

“You did well, baby,” you tell him, kissing at the sensitive spot under his ear.

“…Thank you,” he mutters, and you almost don’t hear it. You pull him close, nuzzle your cheek into his dark hair.

“You don’t need to thank me.” Nothing answers you but the sounds of soft breath, and when you check, Xiao’s fallen asleep.

You pull the blanket over the both of you, making a mental note to have them repaired in the morning. “Good night, Xiao.”

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Scream Queens Ep 4 "Haunted House" (Note: Offensive content, use at own discretion)

A girl died in this tub.

There's no record of any of these names except for one.

Oh, my god, there's two of them!

I own Halloween. It's my jam.

Halloween is the most important day of the year. It's the one day on the Gregorian calendar where you're allowed to go around terrifying children and not be branded a psychopath.

I am a future network news anchor who's super classy and has almost no fat on her body.

A lot of my fans are, like, friendless dumpy coeds at this or that nursing school in one of this country's various national armpits.

They put down their hot pockets and bask in the warm glow of what it feels like to love me.

I went shopping with my comatose grandmother's credit card and bought presents.

Oh, my god, it says my name!

I hope the severed leg brightens up your trailer park.

You're a bright light in my life, and I wanted you to know how much you impress me with your frumpy spirit.

You are so devastatingly mediocre and adorable!

I can't wait to see you in person, but before that, I'd like to see you post this all over social media, to exploit it for my own gain.

Aah! It's a rotting jack-o'-lantern!

Aah! This box is just filled with blood!

She got me a razor apple!

I stole this cadaver head from an ophthalmology student just for you.

You're the most important person in the world.

So you didn't see anyone in a red devil costume entering or leaving the house?

Are you coming to the precinct pig roast this year?

Come on, she's obviously the killer!

Do you mean to suggest I changed out of my nightgown, strapped myself into a skintight pleather red devil costume, climbed out a second-story dormer, and shimmied to the ground with a chain saw before entering a window I had left open, tried to kill you, then leapt out the window, climbed back up the wall, changed back into my nightgown,

and raced downstairs, all in the course of about 90 seconds?

Clearly that's got you a little freaked out.

I'm not gonna hold any of this against you, and I'm gonna let you be my date for the faculty Halloween party.

Attempted murder!

A guy was almost killed tonight, okay?

Now, no, I'm not a detective, hell, I ain't even a cop, but what I am is somebody who watched every one of those Cosby mysteries, okay?

See? Dismemberment!

I am so sorry that I pushed you out of my car and drove off real scared.

I just can't believe that How To Lose A Guy In 10 days is your favorite movie, too.

In precisely two and half minutes when we go in there, you let me do all the talking.

What are you dressed as?

Oh, you have a squirrel. Don't see that much anymore.

Breakfast is almost ready, we got meat today.

What can you tell us about that night?

Now, we will keep your name out of it, of course.

'm a vault,

And to get in this vault you need a key. Now, you may ask, a key to what? It's a key to meaning. Once you've found the meaning, you don't need the words. You know what I'm saying?

Please, continue with your story.

Have any of you ever heard of "negligent homicide"?

We need to dispose of this body on our own. Now, I've got everything we need in the kitchen to make sausages out of her.

I'm gonna go downstairs, shut this party down, and then we'll get the body out of here.

Somebody has to watch after the baby.

Can you at least turn on the radio?

Just leave the details to me.

We can't just act like this never happened.

She's the devil, that one.

I looked at that baby up close. I know my peas and carrots. That baby was a girl.

Your support doesn't matter.

My campaign needs a theme?

My pumpkin's drunk.

I'm hosting a haunted house to raise money for sickle cell anemia.

Why are you holding a fund-raiser, though?

I don't think you understand the magnitude of the miscalculation you just made.

I can assure you you will not be winning an election anytime soon. And when you lose, I am gonna make it my lifelong passion to destroy your reputation.

You're a stuck-up little sociopath, and everybody in this room knows it.

It might behoove you to recall that everyone here witnessed you actually murder someone

Just sharpening knives.

Put the knives down.

I don't know what came over me.

How very adolescent of you to think of this.

It vaguely smacks of something my six-year-old sister would be excited about.

It's the most disgusting disease in the history of mankind.

You get it when you don't even understand the most basic tenets of oral hygiene.

Just give the dang thing its pot of gold already!

I ain't got no candy!

Bet you're a sexy dirt-covered girl. That's what I bet you are.

Sometimes I come out here and I just rub my hands on the gravestones.

I get you more than anyone.

I also find the thought of dead bodies extremely arousing.

I just don't understand why I have all these dark feelings.

You know, I just think our generation's had it too easy, you know? We haven't seen enough horrible stuff. There's no awesome diseases randomly killing people. There's not really any awesome wars to go off to and witness horrific things you can't unsee. We, like, pulled out of all of 'em.

Sometimes I just don't even feel like I'm living, you know?

The only time I feel anything is when I'm thinking about chopping up a body.

And here you are, saddled up with an uptight girlfriend who freaked out for no other reason than the fact that you just wanted to fantasize about having sex with her lifeless corpse.

Oh, my god, I got a total chub right now.

Not scary enough.

She'll let you in the back door.

What could be scarier for an adult than a child coming to murder them?

Isn't that all of our greatest fear? That the pain, the regrets, the mistakes of our youth will destroy us in our adulthood? That we can't escape our inner child. One we would rather forget, but who, at the end of the day has all the power.

Why are you lying to me?

Something does not make sense.

You got to give me more here, okay?

I don't understand what you're getting at.

Are you on bath salts?

Why are we even here?

This house is haunted.

There's a legend in this neighborhood about a woman who wailed about her dead children. And this was the house she lived in.

These dumb ol' kids are smoking crack.

I think it's incredible what you can find out with just a quick trip down to your local library.

This can be one of the rooms for the haunted house.

What exactly do you plan on doing at this haunted house?

I was thinking we could blindfold folks and make 'em put their hands in a bowl full of grapes we peeled, so it'll feel like eyeballs.

I think the reason you want to have a haunted house party is 'cause a haunted party is like a buffet for murderers.

Yeah, yeah, you can just go around killing anybody you want and ain't nobody even gonna even notice.

Just like you chopped the arms off that dumb-ass golf guy.

Why do you have it out for me?

So now you look at me and see everything you could've been.

I hope you have a good time at you haunted party and get to murder lots of folks.

You have this way too thought out.

Isn't this kind of nice?

My sense of personal identity is completely external.

I really don't have much to offer.

I've found that my particular style of speaking and gesticulation is extremely off-putting to most boys. And girls. And anyone.

I need to eat. My blood sugar is crashing.

I'm tired of depriving myself of joy and sustenance.

I may die at the end of a serial killer's blade, but I refuse to die hungry.

Which one of you ladies would like to be my costume for Halloween? I'm going as "dude having awesome sex with you."

I mean, what in the hell's wrong with the world where a guy can't even whistle at a chick just to tell her she looks hot?

I recently took a women's studies class. Yes, because it was a requirement, but I learned a lot anyways. Like the culture that says it's okay for a man to objectify a woman for her appearance is the same culture that pressures girls as young as ten to have eating disorders.

So you're basically saying I'm the one responsible for making you look hot?

When you treat us like meat, you're no better than him!

I'm not really sure how you got my number, but I like how you took the initiative and texted me where you wanted us to meet.

Do you think you're man enough to take me inside that house and attack my crack?

I'll sure this house has an amazingly romantic basement.

Hey, so, uh, a little awkward since we're about to bone down and everything, but, um, what's your name?

Smells like roadkill.

I've never been so scared in my whole life.

All right, if we go to the police, they're gonna see I'm still rocking a mad sidepipe, and they're gonna think I had something to do with it.

We have to warn people.

All right, everybody listen up! All of your lives are in danger!

There are dead bodies! Dead bodies. Real-life dead bodies.

Did you say dead bodies?

Those are like the most lifelike dead bodies I've ever seen.

Is that a real dead body?

There are five dead bodies in that house. Laid out in horrible and deliberate macabre poses.

You are not leaving this house tonight.

You make it harder and harder to believe that you're not the killer.

I found out something really interesting, and now I have a theory.

Everything is weird about that story.

I mean, it's too big a coincidence.

We have to figure out who that woman was.