#i cannot kill myself. i have stuff to draw and write

[blluegoose]

I can tell I’m depressed because in the last 4 months ive filled like. 4 or 5 pages of my sketchbook. BACK DEMONS BACK

[bamsara]

Very personal vent, will nuke it after a nap I think

2024 was arguably one of the worst years of my life outside of having my heart and brain issues from 2020. I left an abusive situation, still recovering from it, left a *second* toxic friendship that resulted in my physical location being compromised, and right as I think 2025 will be better, one of them comes uninvited into my house *again*, and my step father gets diagnosed with heart failure, with the same exact issues that killed my birth dad. We had to buy a wearable difibulator since it can go out any moment

All that and we are in a hell recession

I am constantly afraid, both in online and in real life spaces. I dont think I have social anxiety in a normal sense, I think im really good at talking to people, but I'm never fast at it and I'm never natural at it.

I constantly worry about taking up too much space and that people I've never met online fucking hate me because I exist in the same sphere as them, that there are preconceived ideas of who or what I am as a person because I'm not seen as a person in the online space but just as a creator, and online: creators are not considered people. I wish some of my stuff never got popular, even SL, not that I don't like talking about what I'm passionate about, but I'm constantly afraid of crossing that line of 'random artist' into being seen as 'self absorbed big shot' because I posted too many au dumps or got too rambley. And if I talk about this, I fear any reassurance I get will because of those prior factors

I've thought about deleting this account before a long while ago, but then I'd lose Everything I've ever done for over 10 years. Not just artwork and community but real life milestones and memories and that's not worth losing over some stressful situations

I genuinely do not understand why we cannot be nice to each other either. I know it's a very vague and general statement and I feel like hard to explain what I mean by that, but I cannot imagine passive aggression, comparison or general rudeness to be the 'default' way people talk! I am so tired of people being mean for fun or to feel like they fit in on a conversation! And I'm not even recieving the mean, I just witness it and its upsetting! Real life and Online! But don't listen to me on that because I want people who've probably don't like me to like me and seek validation from people I have differences with so I am not a good example of judgement.

And my health I'm not even gonna touch that one. But at least I'm working on dental stuff, which is nice. I got health insurance again, right as they go to cut medicaid.

But in my mind I cannot stop thinking about if I can just get better at what I'm doing. If I can get better at artwork that I hate my style of, it's never polished and there's people younger than me who's work is so much better. If I can just write faster or draw better and remember to post things then I don't have to worry about anything else. But I've been drawing for so so long, and my art style that I've put so much time into I feel is the equivalent of a learn-how-to-draw-anime workbook you get in a middle school library. And yes I've been told it's good but all art is good. All art styles are good styles. I just don't like it when I'm the one who draws it.

In the last 12 months I've been IRL stalked, family medical, helping support them with what I do make and also myself and literally every coping hobby I have and have had for over a decade just feels more and more like I'm never improving fast enough or that I just Care Too Much at my big age and I should be doing something more substantial with my life, but if I don't craft something or draw or write even if I despise it in the end then it's so much worse

[alymccart]

[Click image > right click > "open image in new tab" for higher res]

Alright, uh. Screw it. Let's dust off this account. I was embarrassed about even drawing this, and especially about sharing it publicly, but I'm slapping it up here. Why not. Been extremely burnt out lately, doing art professionally has pretty much killed my desire to do art for the sake of enjoying it (sorry, fans of my dead comic). Mental health has been shoddy. Actual health is eh, as well. I've been too busy to really think and have been so guilty about there being so much stuff to do in my life still that I haven't really afforded myself time to relax or unwind. My enthusiasm for anything has been in the dumps for years. I don't think I've drawn more than a handful of fanart pieces in over a decade (what you see on here is pretty much it), and I've certainly never drawn something like... this. Obviously, I watched Hazbin finally (didn't even realize the show was an actual thing now, though I did love the pilot eons ago; I don't tend to traverse into fandom discussion and discourse so I've been out of the loop). I'm actually nearing double-digit rewatches... and the OST has been on repeat for weeks. Well animated, beautifully written adult cartoons? I'm here for it. Musicals? Oh yeeahhhhh! A well animated, beautifully written adult cartoon that is also a musical??? *teakettle noises*

I'm ace as hell, but wholesome, loving, devoted relationships like this in fiction seem to hit me right at my core. I also cry at heartwarming videos and movies, but that's beside the point... I just... hrrrnnnnggg... Charlie and Vaggie's relationship has SENT ME. It has an iron grip on my soul and I cannot stop it. I feel like i'm 14 years old again. I want to write fanfiction. Is it 2004?? Where am I????? What the fffffasdfasfagghfgfjhdd????????!!!! Aannnyyyyywayyyy.... This art gave me stomach butterflies the entire time I worked on it, as well as an immense amount of joy, and I really hope this can maybe do that for others. And I still have... so many ideas........ so many....

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

Oh dear sweet god

Why do I do this to myself

This goof has such a chokehold on my heart I just CANNOT

Working on P is for Public of ABC's of Kink, but it's getting split into two. Part one is SFW, part 2 will be very much NSFW. Already working in it and planning to have it up tonight.

And awaaaaay we gooo—

I lied part 3 will be NSFW don't hurt me

Blacksmith's Daughter

Part 1 of 3

Part 2 here

Series: ABC's of Kink

Letter: P is for Public

Wordcount: 2.7k

Tags: SFW, NSFW (part 3 only), fluff, hurt/comfort other stuff maybe

LA!Shanks X AFAB!Reader

Dear gods I loved writing this one

To say you were in a pickle would have been a grievous understatement.

You and a close friend had been caught sneaking around a Marine base after getting the bright idea to break into their treasury vault. For a few years since your father's death you had been down on your luck, and it had seemed a quick ticket to dragging yourself out of the gutter. You had become over that time a particularly skilled thief, and the training you had recieved from your father in blades, not to mention the pair of cutlasses he had smithed for you, didn't hurt your chances.

And you had been forced to give yourself up after your friend was killed while resisting arrest.

Thrown onto a Marine ship bound for Impel Down, locked in the brig with your hands and feet bound in irons. No family, no friends, set to rot for at least the next few years in prison, if not for the rest of your life.

You were fairly certain your situation couldn't possibly get any worse.

The officer guarding the brig was leaning against the desk across from the stairs that led up to the main deck of the ship, polishing his rifle with a rag and gun oil and whistling to himself. He had an easy enough time of it—you were the only prisoner there, and you weren't bothering to give him a hard time. You had been aboard the damnable ship for three days, stiff and sore from your limited range of movement in the heavy shackles clamped around your wrists and ankles, the gravity of your situation weighing heavily on you, and there really wasn't any fight left in you.

Sudden shouting from the deck overhead made him pause and look up the stairs, his brow furrowing under the brim of his cap as you both listened.

"Open fire!"

"Pirates!"

"All hands! Man the guns!"

The officer glanced into your cell, shouldering his rifle as he tossed his rag on the desk and pointed at you.

"Not a peep, wench."

You just leaned back against the wall of the cell with a sigh. "Yup."

So your situation could get worse. Wonderful.

The ship rattled and shook, the cannon fire making your ears ring. Bits of the ceiling fell into the cell around you. You flinched when a hole was blown through the wall of the cell next to your own, the cannon ball rolling across the floor and clanging against the bars. Rather than rotting in prison, you were just flat out going to die.

A fitting end for a miserable few years.

And then all at once, you heard another voice call for ceasefire. The cannon fire stopped first, and slowly the sounds of fighting on the deck above your head fell into relative silence, peppered with animated chatter and laughter.

That could only mean one thing—the Marines had lost.

And your suspicions were confirmed when, a few minutes later, one of the senior cadets on board burst through the doors and sprinted down the stairs into the brig in an outright panic, whimpering, attempting to draw his pistol with shaking hands—but not before he was followed by a broad-shouldered man with a long black ponytail, a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth, holding a large rifle with one hand and leveling the barrel between the young Marine's eyes.

The pirates had won. You weren't sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"Oh, don't shoot the kid, Benn, just get him restrained."

You watched another pirate stroll down the stairs and lean into the wall at the edge of them, bright red hair framing his face, a long black cape hanging around one of his shoulders, and a pair of cutlasses slung over his shoulder—your cutlasses. He set them lightly on the desk and patted his crewmate on the shoulder a couple times as he passed.

There was only one man on the Grand Line that matched his description, and even having lived in a town too far inland to have had much experience with pirates, you had heard of him—Red-Haired Shanks, captain of the Red Hair Pirates, who held one of the highest bounties in the world.

"Be quicker to shoot him." Benn shrugged a shoulder. "Or just coldcock him over the head."

"Kid's probably already shit himself." Shanks grabbed a coil of rope from the wall and tossed it across to him. "No use adding injury to insult."

Benn rolled his eyes over toward his captain...and then his gaze flicked back a bit, landing on you as you glanced warily between him and Shanks. Benn gave a nod toward your cell, and your heart went from racing to ceasing entirely when Shanks turned his head and locked his gaze with your own.

He lifted his eyebrows a bit, his dark brown eyes glinting.

"Well, hello there." You swallowed as he approached the cell slowly. He wrapped his hand around one of the bars, leaning forward. Evidently your anxiousness was written all over your face, as he said next, reassuringly, "Don't worry love, we don't bite. Unless you make the idiot decision of opening fire on my ship," he added, raising his voice just a bit and tilting his head to look back at the Marine cadet, who was putting up absolutely no fight over having his hands tied behind his back now.

Shanks directed his gaze back over to you, flashing a charming grin. "So what're ya in for, sweetheart?"

You took a deep breath, and forced yourself to speak. "I—I, er—"

"She snuck into the base in Nanohana and attempted to break into the treasury vault," the cadet chimed in, and flinched as Benn shoved him down to sit against the wall.

He then grabbed the gun-oil rag from the desk and stuffed it in the cadet's mouth.

"Nobody asked you, kid," he said, leaning against the adjacent wall and crossing his arms, his rifle propped up against the wood paneling beside him.

Shank's grin only widened at that. "Did you really?" You nodded shortly, and he chuckled. "God, what a horrible crime," he went on, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Everyone knows the World Government is horrifically impoverished and doesn't have a single Berry to spare." He leaned a bit closer, resting his head against one of the iron bars. "How far did you get?"

"W...we had just gotten the vault open before we were surrounded," you said quietly. You couldn't tear your eyes away from his, as they widened and his eyebrows shot up toward his hairline, completely taken aback.

"Impressive," he said, his eyes passing over you slowly. He bit the corner of his lip thoughtfully, before his eyes returned to yours. "You said we. You have a crew?"

You shook your head. "It was just me and my friend. Well...more like my brother, really." Your eyes dropped to your knees for a moment. "He didn't make it," you said quietly, still not quite able to process it. Your best friend, your only friend, who you had known for twenty-three years, since you were a toddler.

Gone.

When you lifted your eyes back to the red-haired captain, his expression had softened considerably, mouth turned down in a small frown, his amusement replaced with genuine concern. "I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sweetheart," he said gently. He drew in a deep breath, and let it out as a slow sigh, before flipping his cape out of the way and taking a seat on the floor—and you noticed with a bit of shock as the cloak shifted that the left sleeve of his loose white shirt was empty.

He rest his elbow on his knee, leaning his chin into his palm, hand curled over his mouth for a long moment.

"Arabasta is around three days from here," he said finally. "Provided the wind cooperates, and honestly we could do with making port. We'd be more than happy to take you home."

You swallowed, your heart still pounding, still anxious, but for a different reason now. This man, who didn't even know your name, who was gazing at you with a gentle compassion spread across his handsome features that you were entirely unaccustomed to, offering to go out of his way just to get you home—this man had a bounty of over three billion berries?

After a moment, you shook your head. "Wouldn't be much use," you said, shrugging a shoulder. "I don't exactly have a home."

"Any family?" You shook your head—your father's death had been wholly unexpected, and led ultimately to the closing of his smithy, where the two of you and your "brother"—his apprentice—had also lived. Within less than a month you had been on the streets. "Friends?"

His face fell a little more every time you shook your head no. He ran the pad of his index finger over the top of his lips, glancing briefly at Benn.

Back at you, looking at you almost like you were a poor, abandoned puppy he wanted to take home.

He glanced at Benn again, longer this time, until his first mate sighed, straightening out from the wall. "I'll figure out who's got the keys," he said, already starting toward the door.

"Good man."

From the slam you heard, you were fairly sure he kicked the door open at the top, and his voice boomed over the loght chatter on the deck.

"Alright, you assholes. I'm gonna ask one of you who's got the keys to the brig. I don't get an answer in ten seconds, you're getting an extra hole in your head, and I move onto the next guy."

Your eyes widened a little as you looked toward the stairs, moving back over to Shanks as he laughed a little.

"Has a real knack for subtlety, doesn't he?" he said with a crooked grin. He leaned back, planting his hand on the floor behind him. "Seems you have two options, love. You can stay here, with a bunch of tied up Marines who want to take you—where, Impel Down?" You nodded, and he returned the nod. "Or..." He cooked his head slightly to one side, his grin widening a little. "We can break you out of here and you can come with us."

You blinked a few times. "And...go where?" you said slowly.

Her shrugged a shoulder. "Wherever the wind and the waves carry us."

He was asking you to join his crew. You felt your eyes widen a bit, and Shanks laughed softly when he saw his meaning had sunk in.

"I'd choose the latter option, personally," he said. "Never hurts to have another good thief on board."

"You...can't really say I'm a good thief, given..." You glanced down pointedly at the iron shackles around your ankles. "Well, circumstances."

"Ah..." He waved his hand dismissively. "Everyone makes mistakes early in their career. How long have you been thieving?"

"Two years," you said. "Since my father died. Mostly just...pick-pocketing and sneaking money pouches off vendors. This was the first actual break-in."

His eyes widened a bit. "Your first actual break-in," he said slowly, the corner of his mouth curving into a smirk, "was into a Marine base in a major city?"

You shrugged a shoulder, and nodded. He huffed out a sigh, shaking his head.

"Oh, I like you," he said in a low, flirtatious tone, his eyes making a slow pass over you that made your heart speed up and blood rush to your cheeks. "So tell me, princess...." He finally leaned forward again, resting his arm across his knee, and went on with a debonair grin. "Is there a pretty name to go with that pretty face?"

You managed to stammer out your name, your eyes wide as saucers. His smile softened as he shook his head a little, his gaze locked firmly onto yours as he spoke one word softly.

"Beautiful."

You jumped when the door opened, and both of you looked over as Benn descended the stairs, flicking a spent cigarette butt at the Marine cadet still seated in the corner. He tossed a ring of keys over to Shanks.

"Already informed everyone we have a new thief on the crew," he said flatly, tossing a ring of keys over to Shanks.

Shanks swiped them out of the air, grinning. "And how do you know that? I don't recall telling you."

Benn gave him a look equally as flat as his tone.

"Oh, lighten up, you grumpy old bastard," said Shanks jovially, pulling himself to his feet. Your eyes were glued to the keys as he flipped one out and tried it in the cell lock.

It didn't open.

"So what're we doing about this?" said Benn, gesturing broadly. "Caravel full of tied up Marines. Sink her? Just leave her adrift?"

Shanks shrugged. "Might as well just leave it. Take anything that isn't nailed to the floor."

There was a muffled sound of protest in the corner, and both men turned their gaze to the cadet.

Shanks tried the second key, with no success, as the cadet managed to turn his head and tug the cloth out of his mouth with traction from the shoulder of his coat. "Y—you can't just—there's no telling when another Marine ship will come by!"

Shanks snorted. "Or another pirate ship." He flipped to the next key, smirking. "So you'd rather I sink her?"

"W—well, no, but—but we—"

Benn had evidently heard enough. He rolled his eyes as he stooped down to pick up the cloth, and the cadet's jaw snapped shut immediately. Sighing in irritation, he grabbed the kid by his nose and held his nostrils shut until he was forced to open his mouth to take a gasp of air.

And Benn immediately shoved the cloth back into his mouth, and pointed a finger an inch from his nose. "Do it again and it'll be the last thing you ever do. Got it?"

The cadet nodded quickly, his eyes wide circles of terror.

The third key turned, and the lock clicked. You expelled a heavy sigh of relief at the sound. Shanks chuckled lightly as he watched you lean your head back against the damp wall behind you. "No need to worry, love," he said, kneeling down at your feet and flipping to the attached set of smaller keys for the cuffs and shackles. "I can pick a lock when I need to." He freed the first one, leveling his eyes with yours, and a small shiver coursed up your spine as he reached out and brushed a few strands of hair behind your ear, his thumb briefly caressing your flushed cheek. "I'm not letting a few iron bars and chains keep me from you."

"Oh dear god," Benn grumbled under his breath, rolling his eyes, and you almost giggled a little, biting your lip. The guy wasn't wrong, Shanks was laying it on pretty thick.

Though you weren't really complaining.

Shanks glanced back at him as he set to unlocking the second shackle, feigning surprise. "Oh, are you still here?" he said with a sarcastic smirk. He turned his attention back to the irons. "I fear I forgot there was anyone else in the room for a moment."

He glanced up and gave you a little wink before tossing the shackles away, and touched your shoulder lightly to indicate for you to lean forward so he could get to the cuffs wrapped around your wrists.

Benn leveled his eyes with yours, glancing at his captain, and gave a small snort of laughter. "Good luck."

And with that, he headed back up the stairs.

"Oh, don't listen to him, sweetheart."

Shanks chuckled, leaning over you to quickly unlock the shackles, so close you could feel the heat of his body, smell the leathery scent of his cologne mingling with a subtler hint of spiced rum. Your heart raced as he stood back up, dropped the cuffs, and held out his hand, smiling.

You hesitated for the briefest of moments, before placing your hand in his. He pulled you to your feet...and then flush against his chest, grinning as he wrapped his arm around your waist.

"I promise I'm perfectly harmless."

[lunarle-old]

as soon as I saw the warning for arguing i knew this was gonna EAT. That may or may not be one of my weak spots and its like in half the things ive wrote LOL my fav parts were when shuichi was like did you rlly want me to die, would YOU hit me and all those QUEESSSTIOPPNNSSS AAAAABNYNSNSS oh my god you have no idea what your fics do to me /pos :3 also the way shuichi was talking reminded me if my dad which made me oh so sad - i dont mean this in a bad way my dad is very awesome guys I just so happen to be like kokichi and lash out at the wrong people:< but anyway. shuichi. said. i. love. you. to. KOKICHIIPH MY GOQKXNNDJ OH MYMDN that was so heartbreakinf because DAMNIT that moment was so....aaaaaAAAAJAJSJNS pls tell me you get what I mean I am unable to like put any of my thoughts into words OH and dont get me started on shuichi making kokichi his little fort bc that was SO sweet!!! And then they had a fight...whoopsie!! That was rlly sad because for some odd reason i feel extra guilty arguing with someone AFTER they did something for me and if that person just so happened to be SHUICHI (aka the biggest sweatheart ever) oh boy I would SHATTER. Their whole like dialouge was so good kokichi getting mad at everything even when HE brings it up and shuichi just being scared and confused oooohh i love them >_< and when kokichi said he got dressed up for tea parties i was like awh till I remmembered like wait no he was getting TORTURED. oh and getting punished for spilling it JESUS that one hurt ohh my sweet little angel we need to kill him. ALSO kokichis reaction to shuichis lil confession ooohh i could basically feel shuichis heart breaking now kokichi WHY would you do that :( /jk i know he has quite the problems right now but owie _(:‚‹」∠)_ anyways yeah. im just a huge huge fan of the whole arguing thing. and im also pissed at Tsumugi. your writing overall is a big comfort for me its so fun, creative and interesting and WUAAHAHSBS like where do you get these ideas :oo i love getting these little bed time stories once a week and being able to tell my friend all about it ive always been a huge fan of whump before i even knew what it was so finding actual GOOD whumo content of my 2 comfort characters gets me all xbhdjdjxjss yaaayyjyjy and sometimes I even see myself in some of these stories which has been helping me a lot so thank you for your writing o7 as a younger person I get told often that i dont have any problems so seeing stuff like this....♡♡♡ AAAAAAA not only that but its also kind of helped with my art- im not trying to be corny or anything but if someone were to scroll down my page almost all of my old art was just fully copied sprites/cgs like strand for strand i was NOT creative :< but when I read your fics for the first time i was like wowie i NEED to make something for this which kind of forced to me to try to come up with my OWN way of making faces, hair, etc...and I think its safe to say ive improved!! :> the first art ive submitted here was the kokichi angel one im pretty sure...? I dunno i really like the idea of it but looking at it you can pretty much see i was struggling trying to combine thjngs- i have a lot of WORSE works where ive tried doing something on my own but those will not see the light of day LOL but yeah might recreate that one bc I rlly like the idea:3 now I feel confident drawing my ocs and just doodljng around so...thank you :) again sorry if this comes of as kinda creepy- im really not trying to be i was just REALLY happy to discover basically what ive always wanted and I am now also more comfortable researching more about the topic and have read some rlly cool fics!! :3 anyways this is getting WAY longer than it was supposed to O_O but yeaaahhh thats all i have to say... i think LMAOO

Have a good night/day!! \(>○<)/

(　 Д )　ﾟ　ﾟ Holy Guacamole

I cannot formulate words !! To respond to this Because I have no idea how to respond to praise (´ﾟωﾟ｀) BUT THABK YOU!!!! hfhrhehgGEGDH AAAAAA<33

I loved reading whump before I knew what it was too. The problem was there was hardly ever any whump that was fit to my ... admittedly picky... tastes. And I figured, Well. Hey. I can't be the only one alone in this (ノ_･､) So!! Here we are!

(also, people of all ages can have problems! anyone can be struggling no matter how old they are!! don't let anyone tell you otherwise (´ﾟωﾟ｀))

:D I'm glad to hear art is going well for you too!!! I've been having art block . BAD. i've also just been busy (playing dandy's world) so all of my drawings look like this

Drawing takes lots of practice and patience with yourself, but the most important thing is to just have fun with it!! σ(≧ω≦*) Writing so much has definitely helped me improve too, especially with people encouraging me to keep doing it!! (*^▽^)/★*☆♪ Keep drawing!! Keep doing what u love!! Get SILLY with it!!! And thank you again for the long message I really really do appreciate it <33💕���

[chelseahotel2004]

haiii cleo first of all your sylvie lockscreen is so cute i love her hair <3 second of all what was your initial inspiration for blue contact and what are some of the influences you’re drawing from? also one time you mentioned time travel and i would love to know more about that aspect hehe

awwww thank you jules you are too kind!! ❤️😋 i wasn't originally going to put this under a cut but i got carried away with this ask LOL so ummmm.. good luck down there. huge kudos to anyone who actually reads this mess. i love you

there are two massive works of inspiration that i owe so much of the creation of blue contact to! the first is the song 'UFOF' by big thief. words genuinely cannot describe how important this song is to me - if they could i would not have spent the past three years working on a three volume graphic novel. the first time i listened to it i genuinely sobbed like im talking aching in my chest/utterly inconsolable. i knew there was something special in the song, but i didn't know just quite what. i started listening to it on repeat in an attempt to figure out just what it was that caused me to have such an intense reaction to it. every time i listened i found a tiny new sliver of a story about two sisters and an alien, and that story ended up being blue contact! i always say that i didn't "write" the story of blue contact and this ^ is the reason why; sylvie and mags were always there and i just had to find them. it's kind of like that michelangelo quote about seeing the angel in the marble and setting it free (not comparing myself to michelangelo here obviously LOL, just the concept). at the risk of sounding like a total crazy person i will say that truly sylvie isn't a character to me but an independant being/idea who i just so happened to be lucky enough to connect with in some way, which is why i am so desperate to tell her story ^_^ if im being SO genuine blue contact is my burden to bear and it has kept me going through so much... like in my hardest times i think 'well i can't kill myself yet because i haven't had the chance to share sylvie's story and i owe it to her to set it free/i can't let it die with me'. which may sound dramatic but is true!!!! because of my obsession with blue contact i have listened to UFOF so many times that it has actually become my second most listened to song of all time, being just narrowly beaten out by 'say yes' by elliot smith. i would post lyrics but this is already getting too long and every single lyric is equally as important as the next so just go listen to UFOF

the second major source of inspiration behind blue contact is the webcomic [:x.X//<angel_chain.05>\\X.x:] by cate wurtz! angel chain really did two things for me: firstly, it helped me decide that a graphic novel would be the best medium for telling the story of blue contact. i never intended to write a graphic novel (too much work to do writing AND art), but angel chain proved to me that it was the right choice. sigh. anyways, the relationship between edie and rue in angel chain helped to cement the dynamic between sylvie and mags for blue contact. obv angel chain and blue contact are very different stories, but it really helps to see a model of something similar to what i'm trying to achieve. anyways ily cate wurtz you are my icon

onto the time travel stuff! lowkey i shouldn't have teased the time travel because actually getting into what happens would mean spoiling the largest and most important arc/volume 2 lollll. so please forgive me for how vague and unsatisfying this is 🙏 what i WILL say is that it is not "time travel" in the traditional sense. the perspective of vol. 2 shifts over to that of the lady of perpetual flames - who i'm now realizing i haven't actually addressed much in any of my posts, sorry - who is in a sense a timeless being. she doesn't experience time in a linear fashion, but in a fragmented one. kind of like how a spider web is made up of with different linear threads that attached to each other to form larger image, if that makes sense? since the narrative is kind of taken over by the blue lady here, the perspective of time shifts accordingly, and we get to see scenes from janet+mags' early life before sylvie joined them, as well as seeing what future-sylvie is up to! in all these scenes 2007-sylvie is still there, but not in a "physical" way - more in the sense that her connection to the blue lady carries her along throughout time and makes her into the throughline that allows the events of the plot to happen without the entire universe collapsing in on itself. sylvie isn't the spider: she's the two twigs that the spider weaves her web between.

anyways i hope this was interesting and/or informative !! i love this story so thank you for giving me an opportunity to ramble about it jules !!!!!!!!

[warriorsofsplatsville]

//so how about Splatoon Raiders guys

long rant below, ignore if you don't wanna hear tired opinions. TL;DR, this blog probably won't be active at all anymore, links to my other socials at bottom.

I need to articulate some feelings on the matter, if that's alright.

1. I'm probably most likely not getting Splatoon Raiders.

It's a Nintendo Switch 2 exclusive. There might be some cool things about it! But other than Deep Cut and that weird looking eyeball at the end of the video, I'm...not that interested. Or excited. And this is mainly because I really don't want to purchase a whole other console that costs the amount of rent or like two months worth of groceries in my family. I really!!!! Don't have that kind of money!! And to be honest!!! The Switch 2 doesn't really appeal to me at all!!!! I'll happily watch a video on it by a streamer or something, but I'm not purchasing this game. And I probably won't do any writing anytime soon regarding it, because...

2. I barely had energy running this blog.

I entered the Splatoon RP scene when 2 was still alive. I was really excited, because there were a lot of cool things happening in the game that kept the community rolling! I couldn't walk two steps without coming across an RP blog with lots of cool art and writing. And I still adore this aspect! Some of my best friends in the entire world were made in the Splatoon community and will forever hold a place in my heart. Truly, thank you all!

....But. The entire lifespan of this blog. I've done a lot to keep myself motivated. Lots of personable characters, lots of divergent canon, lots of writing, lots of drawing, lots of playing Splatoon and, to be honest it really exhausted me. I haven't even finished my side order plot!!! And I have a bunch of stuff in there that's important to my blog building! But I ran out of steam! And that's partially because running this blog was tiring. It felt like a chore. And the community isn't what it used to be nowadays. And also...

3. I didn't enjoy Splatoon 3 much.

My most controversial reason- I didn't like Splatoon 3. It sucked, to be honest, and I'd rather not touch it again if I can help it. Let me explain.

The base story mode is fun! There's a lot of cool mechanics to play around with, it was a decent challenge, it wrapped up the Mr. Grizz plot, however. Something me and my mutuals have noticed is that it...retconned plot points. As in. They act like it never happened. The most glaring example being Captain Cuttlefish acted kinda racist again??? Which is a really silly thing to say regarding a squid game, I know, but it's really jarring to a person who's played all the games to see Captain go through a redemption arc of seeing Octarians as allies in Octo Expansion, only to start hating them again in Splatoon 3? And this really confused me! Because OE was a really important part of the Splatoon franchise! A good DLC! Which I cannot say the same for Side Order!

I did enjoy some things about Side Order- I'm not opposed to rogue-likes in general, and there's some cool tiny lore tidbits, but for me, that's all that it had. If you haven't noticed, I wrote a lot of stuff and characters into my (unfinished) Side Order plot. The reason is that other than the things listed above there's really nothing else going for it! When OE came out, it was revolutionary, exciting, reinvigorated the community. SO came out and...really nobody I followed came back to life, save one or two. Most of my long time RP mutuals from years back were not revived by Splatoon 3 and its DLC, so you have to imagine it killed my mood as a long time member.

Also the online aspect of 3 was....not good. Really skewed the meta, and Splatoon players are a lot more aggressive and hardcore now, which I don't really jive with considering this is technically a kid's game. And maybe that's just how it'll be now. But honestly...I'm not willing to stick around to see it. I'm not willing to risk giving myself carpal tunnel to win, or to sit there for hours and grind a catalogue that only goes up a set amount of points at a time no matter what, and all the while try to remain relevant on the RP scene. It's tiring. I'm done.

This is to say...

Unless the next Splatoon games are really good and fix the problems I have with it, and bring back the Splatoon RP community to at least a fraction of what it used to be, I probably won't be returning for any Splatoon stuff here.*

I'm happy to do other things nowadays! I have a comic (that's on hiatus tho >w>;;) and a bunch of OCs, do other stuff, follow other fandoms, and such. And not having to worry about a dying blog is a lot better on my psyche than forcing myself to love Splatoon again. There's other games and fandoms that I enjoy with my friends and I'm happy to partake in that! But as of right now, I'm going to let the cows out to pasture on this.

And this sucks!! Because of Splatoon, I met wonderful people! Because of Splatoon, I created some wonderful things, and grew as an artist and a writer! Splatoon has done so many things for me in my life. I genuinely would be worse off had I not played the silly squid game. So it's really disheartening that it's come to this. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't. And that's alright.

*Of course, I'll probably do blurbs of asks and small RPs occasionally with friends! But this is in reference to any big writing. I'm really tired of the big writing and drawing art for lore posts. Very exhausting.

-

Find me Semi-Active here!

Main Blog: straysakurapetal

Twitter: GamesAndPlays

Deviantart: sakuralovescherrim

My comic update blog (on hiatus sowwy): tothewispsofficial

My original characters ask blog (under construction, mind the debris!): heartsofthewisps

[sobeksewerrat]

✨and🏳️‍🌈 with Hazbin for the ask game

(Also do I have permission to rant about Alastor to you. I hate that fucker so much.)

(yes you do. Please do it actually)

Note: added the cut cos I ended up yapping

✨what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it?

Tough one. Honestly part of it is that I cannot control my AuDHD and part of it is that it has a lot of potential and possible ideas?? I find myself to be more attached to media I can play around with, only God knows how many TMF fanfics, wips and AUs I used to have, and Hazbin is perfect for that.

Besides, I would consider myself to be religious and I'm quite interested in stories based on mythology and religion, and the core concept of Hazbin intrigued me as a Muslim (funfact! In Islam hell is temporary for most people iirc LMFAO). Also, what better way to explore my religious trauma?!

And it's chock-full of potentially interesting characters and dynamics that go unexplored, so that ties back into the first point.

And last but not least, I tend to be a fan of objectively bad and/or very controversial stuff (*coughs* danganronpa, mlb, Jeff the killer-)

I could yap forever about my love-hate relationship with Hazbin but I think I should stop here for now.

🏳️‍🌈do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?

YES!! TOO MANY ACTUALLY!!! Here are some of my faves :3

Adam is SWANA, mostly projecting but all abrahamic religions originated from the SWANA region soooo (obviously the term SWANA and the region prolly didn't exist when Adam was first created but shush) And my Eve is black BTW!

Transmasc Adam!! This headcannon is so, so important to me. So important I created multiple AUs with lore documents about it. I could write an essay about why I headcannon him as that. Multiple, actually.

Albino Lute!! I hc they're SWANA too (and Heavenborn, don't ask how, idk either) , but they have albinism (her natural eye colour is very light blue, they wear gold contacts).

NONBINARY LUTE WITH SHE/THEY PRONOUNS ‼‼‼

the exorcists, mainly Lute n Vaggie, as Adam's daughters (biologically or otherwise)!! I can't live without that headcannon and I'm so fucking upset there's not enough content about it out there

Autistic Lute and Cain (my oc at least). They inherited it from Adam. And Eve has anxiety, we've established that. She also has OCD. Trust me. And ADHD Abel. And Vaggie with PTSD (they all have it but her especially

AroAce Charlie and Angel Dust!! Ik they're bi and gay respectively, but who says they can't be both?

AroAce Lesbian Lute too.

Asexual Adam!! I already wrote an essay as to why I hc that but since then the hc expanded and I can write a better, updated one. Won't be as lengthy as my hypothetical trans Adam one, but still full of yapping. 

Adam wears his mask not out of insecurity (for the most part) or protection (that thing is LED, it ain't protective) but because he was recognised by one of his children during the first Extermination (even though he had already transitioned by then). Let's just say that didn't turn out well, and Adam was unresponsive for days. 

Adam is genuinely afraid of most things, even silly stuff to us like the dark. Because even though us modern people have the privilege of artificial lights, not living in the wild, medicine, etc.- he didn't. He was literally a caveman. A fever could kill anyone in his family. The night meant being at risk of being eaten. Water can and will kill you because of the bazillion bacteria inside. Winter meant death if you didn't have a fire going 24/7 or covered yourself up with anything. But, he hides his fears because he thinks they're fucking embarrassing (even though it's very clearly untreated trauma)

Adam loves his kids, truly. He fucked up A LOT (killed thousands of them and the whole Vaggie situation), but that doesn't mean he hates them.he just learned not to get attached to them. 

ADAM ‼ HAS ‼ ABANDONMENT ‼ ISSUES‼

Adam lowkey feels he doesn't deserve his spot in Heaven.

I literally came up with this like an hour or two ago with @an-theduckin but Adam actually did believe in redemption once and tried to advocate for it. Till he didn't. Wonder why that is 👀 (got a fic idea I won't finish. Dw abt it)

Adam gaining weight as a form of healing‼ I imagine he was deathly skinny on Earth due to food insecurity, and even though he improved after they invented agriculture and got better at hunting, he was still clearly unhealthy (and popping out the entire human population at the time didn't help). And also he just likes his appearance this way (fuck you Lucifer and your stupid fat joke)

ADAM LOVED HIS WIFE!!! SHE LOVED HIM TOO!!! OH MY GOD GUYS PLEASE GET IT RIGHT.

In a perfect world, Adam would've been Charlie's uncle/father figure. 

Lute and Vaggie cared about each other, things just kind of…well, yk how it ended. Lute has immense amounts of guilt over the whole situation, but they'll never admit it. Especially not after Vaggie started being involved the Lucifer's fucking daughter. 

Adam's secretly a feminist. I'm not even gonna elaborate, figure out my reasoning yourself. 

Vaggie grieved Adam and her fallen sisters after they died in the finale. Of course, she'll never admit it. (I HAVE A FIC WIP ABOUT THIS I HOPE TO FINISH SOMEDAY!!)

Gamer and Fandom kid Lute. This hc means so so much to me! I originally stole it from @bluexjayy ! They're really into cringey fandoms too (mainly danganronpa, FNAF, undertale and the creepypasta fandom- probably mlp too). Secretly writes fanfiction.

I have SO MANY hcs for Stan and I's Cain, Abel and Eve but I doubt anybody wants to hear them sooo

Redhead Lilith. It was ginger in Eden, turned blood red when she became a sinner. She dyes it blonde.

Annnddddd I think I should stop now oh my god I'm so sorry for yapping again Thanks for the ask though!! Please feel free to rant about Alastor.

[lilithsterrarium]

im. tired. im just really tired.

im tired. i dont do anything anymore. i just distract myself or barely limp through a half-assed job of my responsobilities. i hardly fucking dress myself anymore. i just wear whatever i slept in. i barely eat, and when i do, i stuff my face until i feel sick. people keep telling me to do what i enjoy so i can have energy to do what i dont but i dont ENJOY anything. i just distract myself. i dont write, i dont draw, i jack off and play video games because i need to turn off my brain for a while. my ideal body isnt just unrealistic, its scientifically impossible. my one goal in life is to be a half-good person and ive failed in both of those things. i just crawl forward and forget. i dont have a reason to live, and im sick of trying to be convinced that i do. there is not a single person who knows me, just a pre-constructed lie made to be more palattable to people. i can't and wont ever be able to truly let someone in. how can i think absolutely nothing and think way too much at all times. everything is too much, i feel like im being tugged in every direction and i have to swallow the fucking truth that i'll never be tiny but at least then i could be hard while my body was torn into pieces. im not going to kill myself because i physically cannot bear the knowledge that it would hurt people i love. i live and suffer because its the closest i'll ever get to doing something actually kind. im tired. im so, so tired. i want to puke up my guts and keep throwing up until im completely hollow, until theres nothing left, until ive purged myself of everything there is to my being for the world to see, laid out and bare. i want people to see and be disgusted, but i'll know i have nothing to hide anymore. but thats not possible. thats not an option. and it never will be. so all i can do is live but for fucks sake im allowed to complain about it.

[tickitytockityrattityrottity]

Writer asks!! ♥️ 8 and 24 ♥️

8: fic I would do a sequel for

I'd like to do another Rolan/Tower fic. One with Rolan upgrading the tower and touching its runes and stuff.

I also want to do a sequel to I Will Bury You In Diamonds, exploring the other tieflings Ethel and Guex "saved". How did they survive the Shadow Cursed lands, have they figured out that she cursed them, will they figure it out before the time runs out. Etc

24: recharging when I'm not feeling creative

This got long, sorry.

It depends on the energy of the lack of creativity.

Exhaustion:

If I'm genuinely tired I take a break. The longest break I've taken was over a month. I think of creating like exercise; if you over train you need to recover. I also like to think of ideas as seeds. Sometimes they need to incubate a little before they sprout.

On breaks, I like to go out a lot and people watch at bars, breweries (although I really try to not use any drugs for creating), parks, cafes, shopping centers, etc. Sometimes I run into people who like to talk, which is great, because I like to listen. I walk a lot, daydream, exercise, do something destructive (yard work, cleaning, stomping cans), try out new skills, etc. It's hard to write experiences when you haven't had any.

Right now, though, I'm challenging myself to put out a short story or chapter every week this year, which means I don't have the luxury of long breaks (and I miss them. Writing for quantity is a whole different animal, and I'm not sure I like it, even though I'm learning a lot).

I've really started prioritizing short breaks to compensate, and really indulging in writing when the opportunity hits. I've also been prioritizing editing less.

If I'm just struggling:

If I just don't want to write part of the story, I write it anyway. I slog through it and it might be crap but at least it's done. Then once I have that no longer clogging up the brain pipes, I find other writing comes easier. I find sprints/the Pomodoro technique really helpful here.

Sometimes I'm not feeling creative because the scene I'm writing is dead. So I just end it. Most scenes are only a line away from ending, anyway.

I've had success writing a scene from another character's POV.

Sometimes I delete scenes and rewrite them from scratch. I'm a big believer that writing cannot get worse, haha, and that if something was important or a heavy hitter I'll write it again.

And, my favorite, if I'm stuck on plot, I like to write an idea. Then a different one. Then a different one. The idea came from a post I saw about drawing 50(?) thumbnails for every illustration, because your first 10-ish are just going to be you pulling out your normal fall backs. So by generating a dozen or so ideas I'll hopefully find one I resonate with.

Here's a sample from a fic I'm working on, you can see the ideas getting a little wilder and more out there towards the end. I write down every idea, even bad ones, because sometimes those spawn good ones. Example under the cut

Mol helps because…

She wants a sorcerer on her side

She feels bad

She is forced to by nine-fingers

She is forced by raphael

Thinks this will get her the power to be above nine-fingers OR power from Raphael

The lulz

Arabella pays her

Arabella threatens her

She, too, wants someone back (who?)

She wants to show off/is arrogant

She was going there anyway

---To steal something

---To hide something

---To learn something

One of the targets knows something she wants to know

She wants Arabella to owe her big

She didn't kill them, but she's claiming it to seem tough

She didn't kill them and she's clearing her name

She killed them by swapping out certain supplies per Raphael's instructions and needs to hide that

She is missing a key thing and suspects she can trick Arabella into getting it for her

She regrets breaking up the team and wants her friends back

She is cleaning up loose ends and this is a good job for people to disappear on

[pbandjesse]

I stuck to today being a reset and overall it went well. It was still grey and cold and wet outside. I did not even bother leaving the house. James offered but I was just not feeling it and wanted to focus on studio stuff.

I slept well last night. I had stayed up with Sylvia and we went downstairs at 11 after chilling in her bedroom for a while. I had the baby Einstein aquarium going for her and it was very sweet. I finished drawing my goodnight mood redraw. I think I may go back in and make some changes to make it a little more different then the original. But it felt good to be done this stage.

When we went downstairs I realized we didn't have bottles made so I made them. Which involved math and that was slightly stressful for me. But I did it correctly. And after midnight snacks for Sylvie I was able to get some sleep.

James came down at 3 and we hugged and switched off. And I would sleep pretty well. I think my anxiety had started to fade. I had sent Zella an email with some of my concerns so I think just getting it out there would help me. Writing it down and sending it away.

When I woke up this morning I felt better. I still have slight cramping in my side but overall a lot better. I wanted to keep sleeping but I would pull myself together and got dressed in very warm clothes. The weather is killing me because I put away so much of my cold weather clothes and so I am struggling to not just wear sweatshirts. I did not win that battle today. Just want to be warm.

I went downstairs to see my little family. And after checking in I would go start working on the studio. The main focus was making a poster for the workshop popup next weekend. I think I have a good handle on it but I will need to get some more felt and pin backs. I think I have more pin backs somewhere but I cannot figure out where. But that's going to be pretty low on my list.

After working on my poster and collecting some supplies I would do some work on cutting out fabric for another quilt topper. I used the same measurements from my countdown quilt. I would need 35 squares again so I spent a bunch of time measuring and cutting.

After the first half I would take a break to cuddle Sylvie. But mostly she was just chilling. We had an awake happy baby basically all day. It was great. I even caught some smiles!! Still don't know if they were on purpose but it was so fun still.

James used their new exercise bike in the backyard. And once they were done and cleaned up we had lunch. I got my quilt all laid down and started sewing it. This would take a few hours but it was a fun thing to focus on.

James would put Sylvia in the soft mat in the studio and then they would leave to go pick up their bike from the shop and grab a few groceries. And I would just sew.

I finished sewing after about 3 hours. Sylvia was awake and kicking and being cute. But even though I was being so loud she would fall asleep. So cute. I would clean ups and finish and got her to have a cuddle on the studio couch.

We spent a while just hanging out. But eventually we went upstairs. And were laying in bed when James got home. It was good to have them back.

They even brought cupcakes.

The rest of the afternoon was resting and chilling. We moved downstairs. Cuddles and watching videos and it was a good day. James went for a short walk with baby. And I had some snacks and played with sweetp. Gave Crabcake a soak. I felt good.

As the day wound down Sylvia fell asleep and stayed that way. I would take a shower. And James would finish the laundry. It was a good day.

I hope we go outside tomorrow. And I hope it isn't so cold and wet.

I hope you all sleep well tonight. Have a good day tomorrow. Stay safe!!

[bamsara]

Why did you start writing? From what I can tell you put a lot of passion into the works you make, where did it all start for the lovely stories you make now?

Wayyyy earlier when I was 9-10ish, and even at that age I was writing a lot, with just pencil and notebook paper. I know I have written earlier than that, but I have no evidence of it.

I filled up an entire 3inch binder with an entirely hand written story about a girl who lives who her grandma and has a dog named Trout, almost dies in tornado at school and finds out the tornado as a sentient being that was trying to kill her because she has some connection to a random dude that can control the weather, and a elegant queen lady who controls ice that basically adopts her and turns her into a scout to find other people who have elemental powers. She doesn't have any herself, but for some reason she can tell who does, and then can steal it. I still have that binder in my closet. Would not recommend reading it though lmao

I started publishing my writing online, fanfiction specifically, when I was 11ish and totally not supposed to be online yet. My first fanfic I wrote and published was for Soul Eater, and that account and those stories are still up to this day. (cringe warning for the exact kind of thing you would expect an 10-11 year old to write) I actually had two fanfic.net accounts, this one where I wrote L4D stuff too.

I switched from fanfic.net to Wattpad after I got into FNAF and wrote a bunch of Fnaf stuff from an AU I had in 2015, and that AU is what led me to making a tumblr account that year, mainly to post my art for my stories. (I had always been drawing, too, but I didn't start posting that until wattpad)

And then I switched to AO3 around 2018 and my stories have been there since. I have, quite literally, been writing for nearly 15 years, with pretty much all of my work well-documented online since I started.

I hate my older works from when I was a teen/kid, and even work from just a few years back, and even removed them at some point, but decided to keep them up for archival purposes. Especially since you can kinda see how my writing style has changed, my standards in writing like the wordcount going from 80k at 11yrs old to 200k something for my long fics, my viewpoints and beliefs, etc etc. I am also very...picky about the stories I read, so if I cannot find what I want, I will make it myself.

Writing is absolutely the best and most practiced coping mechanism I've had since forever. I will write even if I do not have any readers. I still write things that I do not post online, so overtime what was something I deeply enjoyed as a hobby and an outlet to process difficult and low parts of my life becoming something enjoyable to other people is kind of wild to me, still.

And I'll continue to do it even if one day this account explodes or something. When I said 'Writing and creating art is the only thing keeping me sane' I was not trying to be quirky /lighthearted. I'll dedicate entire days to writing chapters in a row.

But yeah I've been writing for a long while, I'm glad you guys really like it! Look at my cats

[annon-guy2]

Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World - Travel Journal Entries [Chapter 8: Eternal Bond]

==============================

Entry 159: I still can't believe that I was Ratatosk all along. While I do have that memory of being called Ratatosk, I also have memories of growing up at Emil Castagnier. Besides, Ratatosk is supposed to be in the core on Marta's forehead.

But Tenebrae told me that the core on Marta's forehead is a fake designed to draw the attention of Ratatosk's enemies to Marta. If that's true, then that's totally despicable! I was using Marta as a decoy to protect myself.

Forgive me, Marta. I really am an awful person. I'm not going to write in this journal anymore. We won't be able to travel together anymore either now that I've betrayed everyone.

----------------------------------------------

Entry 160: Marta here.

Daddy said he wanted to talk to Emil, so I came to get him, but Emil looks like he's in pretty rough shape. I guess that's no surprise. If I had suddenly found out that my entire life history was a lie, I don't think I'd be handling it that well either.

I have trouble believing that Emil really is Ratatosk, too, but Tenebrae said that all of Emil's memories of his past are a fiction created to help Ratatosk play the role of Emil. Emil was always very vague when he talked about growing up in Palmacosta.

But no matter who Emil really is, the Emil I've been traveling with all this time is anything but a despicable person. Whomever Emil really is, this time I'm going to face up to him and accept it. I won't run away, no matter what, so don't say such sad things, okay?

Well, shall we go to see Daddy now? He's resting in one of the rooms in the hotel.

----------------------------------------------

Entry 161: Daddy wanted to talk about was Richter and Richter's role in the Vanguard. A lot of it was stuff that even I was hearing for the first time. Daddy had stopped telling me anything about the Vanguard a while back.

Richter joined after Daddy had already established the Vanguard, and it was Richter who transformed the Vanguard into a militant organization. Even now, there are lots of Vanguard who follow Richter, and will flock to him despite Daddy's orders that the Vanguard be disbanded. I'm really worried about that. But for the moment, Richter seems to be laying low.

Daddy is deeply ashamed of the things he's done and his inability to control the Vanguard. He seems much smaller than he used to be. Anyway, after all of that, Daddy ended the meeting by asking Emil to stop Richter. Emil looked sort of uncomfortable about that.

After our meeting, Presea came to get us, saying they've figured out where Richter is. She said that Regal is waiting to talk to us in the rooftop garden of the Lezareno headquarters. Should we go see what he has to say, Emil?

----------------------------------------------

Entry 162: At the rooftop garden we found not only Regal, but Lloyd, Colette, and all the others as well.

They claimed that Richter seemed to be heading for some ruins known as the Otherworldly Gate. It leads to the Ginnungagap, the door to the demonic realm that Ratatosk guards. It's also where Aster was killed. Lloyd and Zelos thought Richter might be going there to borrow power from the demons of Niflheim through the Ginnungagap. They're probably right about that since Richter used the power of the demonic realm during his battle with Lloyd.

If that's true, the main concern is what the demons are getting in return. One disturbing possibility is that they're working together with Richter to kill Ratatosk, which would allow them to open the door of the Ginnungagap (which cannot be opened so long as Ratatosk lives), and transform our world into Niflheim.

This entire thing just gets bigger in scope, and I'm a little bit lost myself, but nowhere near as lost as poor Emil. It certainly doesn't help to have Tenebrae making it sound like Emil's entire personality is a sham, by saying that Emil's identity was created merely to help Ratatosk conceal himself. Since it's Ratatosk Mode Emil who has most of Ratatosk's memories, Tenebrae also said that it's natural for Emil not to believe that he truly is Ratatosk.

Is that really the truth? And if it is, why would Emil resemble Aster so strongly?

It was then that Lloyd said he might be able to shed some light on Emil's questions, including whether or not Emil really is Ratatosk. But since Lloyd has forged a pact, he couldn't say anything about it right now. Lloyd left then saying that he and the guardian of the world tree would be waiting for us.

Emil has decided to go to the World Tree to find out more. Of course, everyone will be joining him on the journey, myself included.

----------------------------------------------

Entry 163: Emil, I don't feel betrayed by you and I don't think you're a despicable person. Ever since you suddenly appeared in my life, you've shown me only courage and kindness. Even if you really are Ratatosk, and even if the memories of your past are fake, the memories of our journey together are very much real. I'm all the proof you need of that. And I'm quite certain that the Emil I know is not a threat to the human race. So let's continue our journeytogether, okay?

The guardian of the World Tree is a man named Yuan. (He's the guy we met back in Asgard.) He seems to be an old acquaintance of Regal and the others. He told us a great deal about Emil--or rather, Ratatosk.

He says that Emil is indeed the Summon Spirt Ratatosk, and that Lloyd had been working to stop Ratatosk from eradicating humanity. But he hadn't been trying to kill Ratatosk. On the contrary, if Ratatosk were to die, the door in Ginnungagap would open, and this would would become the demonic realm, Niflheim. So Lloyd and Yuan had planned to seal Ratatosk alive in the Ginnungagap instead. To do that, they needed the Centurions' and Ratatosk's cores.

Lloyd didn't tell this plan to anyone, because he didn't want Ratatosk to find out about it. Ratatosk has a wide ranging network of monsters, and he didn't know where they might be listening. They could only discuss the plan here at the World Tree, were Ratatosk has no influence.

All of Lloyd's companions know the name of the new World Tree and they'd promised not to speak it until the World Tree was stable, but if Lloyd had included his companions on his quest to collect the cores, they might have become corrupted by the Centurions' cores, and accidentally revealed the name of the World Tree to Ratatosk. (Lloyd himself had Martel's protection, and was immune to the cores' influence.) If Ratatosk had known the name, I guess h ewould have been able to take the World Tree from Martel, and then humanity would lose its only hope of resisting Ratatosk.

So there were plenty of good reasons for Lloyd to keep his mouth shut. And just as many good reasons not to tell Ratatosk/Emil any of this. But Lloyd and Yuan said that they believe in Emil, and that they don't think Emil is just some fake personality. They think that he's another spirit deep within Ratatosk--his conscience. If, as his conscience, Emil can restrain Ratatosk, then Ratatosk will cease to be a threat to humanity, and then they won't have to seal him in the Ginnungagap. Lloyd really seems to value Emil's existence, and is working hard to protect it.

Emil and Ratatosk need to be recombined into a single entity, so that Emil can be a counterbalance to Ratatosk. We've decided to ask the Summon Spirit of Heart for help to ensure that Emil's spirit isn't destroyed in the process. With the protection of the Summon Spirit of Heart, Emil's spirit should survive.

The Summon Spirit of the Heart resides in the Martel Temple in Iselia. Let's go pay him a visit.

----------------------------------------------

Entry 164: Dirk was working on the repairs at the Martel Temple. Emil seemed really envious of the relationship that Lloyd and Dirk share. When Emil said that he didn't think he could ever be like Lloyd, Lloyd said that everyone was different, which is what makes us all so important.

I think that's true, too.

----------------------------------------------

Entry 165: We finally entered the temple.

Verius, the Summon Spirit of Heart, actually dwells inside peoples' hearts, but the temple in Iselia is where it's easiest to make contact with him.

We're finally going to meet with Verius.

----------------------------------------------

Entry 166: I'm sorry about this, Emil. There's something I've been meaning to say to you for a long time, and I can't let it go unsaid any longer. If the Summon Spirit of Heart is going to protect you, Emil, I have to ask what that means for the other Emil, Ratatosk, who has been traveling with us for just as long. I don't know quite how to say this, but I don't think that it would be right for Ratatosk to just disappear. Of course, I don't want you to disappear either, Emil, but I can't help thinking that you need to stand up to Ratatosk directly, without relying on the Summon Spirit of Heart or anyone else.

I'm sorry, I know it's easy for me to say that. I feel like I'm always making things harder for you. But you still laugh it off and say you don't mind, because you're thinking the same things.

But I know that only you can decide the fate of your spirit. Forgive me for butting in like that.

Verius, the Summon Spirit of Heart, appeared before us. But because Emil's heart was conflicted, he said that Emil needed more time and disappeared. Verius promised to lend his strength when Emil found his resolve. I'm sure it's my fault that Emil's heart was wavering. I'm really sorry, Emil.

As we were leaving the temple, there was a sudden tremor. But it wasn't a normal earthquake. It was door to the Ginnungagap opening. I thought the door couldn't be opened so long as Ratatosk/Emil lived?!

At the moment, Emil awakened as Ratatosk. After he blocked the demons from passing through the door, he grabbed Lumen's core from Lloyd, and hatched it. Hoping that Emil would return to us soon, I hugged him tight. He did come back, but he seemed really unsettled by the fact that Ratatosk had taken over and stolen the core from Lloyd.

On our way back to Iselia, we found Dirk fighting monsters, and managed to save him in time. A wave of energy released by the opening of the Ginnungagap seems to be driving monsters into a frenzy. The door was apparently opened because of all the negative energy spread by the Vanguard rebellion, which the demons thrive upon. Usually that wouldn't be an issue, but since Ratatosk had lost some of his Centurions, his ability to protect the door had diminished. Richter must have been manipulating the Vanguard for this purpose all alone.

Ratatosk took control of Emil once again. He said that while he was currently holding back the demons, in his weakened state it would only be a matter of time before the world was consumed by their realm. The only way for him to stop it would be to regain his full power and seal the door. That's why he took Lumen's core from Lloyd.

Right then, I felt the presence of Verius. And then Emil and Ratatosk became one. Emil said that he had Verius seal Ratatosk's personality away. He chose to seal away Ratatosk, and take Ratatosk's role as a summon spirit himself.

I'm going to miss Ratatosk a little, but I respect your decision, Emil. I'm sorry if you were lead astray by any of the things that I said. I hope this won't change anything between us.

Our next mission is to travel to the Ginnungagap via the Otherworldly Gate. Our target is Richter. This may be our final journey, and our final battle, so we decided to split up so that everyone could take care of their personal business before we head to the Otherworldly Gate.

Emil and I agreed to meet in Altamira after he's settled his affairs. I'll be waiting for you, Emil.

----------------------------------------------

Entry 167: This is Emil. Or rather, it's Ratatosk, I guess.

I never thought I'd be writing in this journal again, but after this journey ends, I'll won't see everyone again, I feel like I need to keep writing. If I can leave them a record of everything that happened and everything that will happen next, they'll be able to remember me for who I was.

Thank you, Marta, for writing so many messages for me in the journal. If you hadn't been there, my spirit would have been consumed by Ratatosk's and destroyed. I'm sorry it wasn't me who saved you back then, but you were the one who wished me into being, and for that, I'm extremely grateful.

There's still something that I need to do. I'm going to go see Uncle Alba in Luin because courage is the magic that makes dreams come true.

In Luin, I saw Uncle Alba and Aunt Flora for the first time in a while. We spoke only briefly, but I felt like I was able to look my uncle in the eye for the first time.

I'm not really Emil Castagnier, and Uncle Alba isn't really my uncle. But still, when he told me that he wanted a chance to do things over again, it made me really happy. I won't ever have that opportunity, but the thought still pleased me, because the old me never would have felt that way.

I may never come back to Luin again. So I should probably pay my respects to the statue of Lloyd the Great before I go.

Tenebrae has guessed exactly what it is that I intend to do next, and we discussed it at length in front of Lloyd's statue. You've been keeping a close eye on me too, haven't you Tenebrae? Thank you for that. I'm counting on you to help me defend the door from the demonic realm.

I don't think there's anything else left I need to do, so I'm going to head to Altamira, where Marta promised she'd be waiting for me.

In Altamira I had a long talk with Marta. When our journey ends, she intends to join Brute in taking responsibility for the Vanguard's actions, and search for a way to end the animosity between Tethe'alla and Sylvarant. I wish Icould help her with that, but I won't be able to leave the door, so I'll have to cheer her on from the Ginnungagap. I'll always be supporting you, Marta, because I love you.

Well, it's time to head to the Ginnungagap, via the Otherworldly Gate. Let's get going!

----------------------------------------------

Entry 168: Shortly after we descended into the Ginnungagap, Lloyd and the others suddenly disappeared. Only Marta, Tenebrae and I were left behind. Tenebrae thinks it's because Lloyd's group was holding the Derris Emblem, which is some sort of charm that I created long time ago, and gave to a young half-elf boy. That boy later betrayed me, so I set a trap to ensure that the holder of the Derris Emblem would never enter my domain. In other words, it's my fault that Lloyd and the others are in danger. We have to hurry up and save them!

As we were searching for Lloyd's group, we ran into Alice and Decus, who had been waiting for us. I had believed that Alice had done all those horrible things because she'd been corrupted by a Centurion's core, but I was wrong. Alice had been acting on her own free will, striving to carve out a place for herself in this world. I guess that's why she was so obsessed with power and strength.

I don't know if power is a good thing or a bad thing. When I didn't have any power, I couldn't create a place for myself in Luin. But the part of me that had too much power ended up being sealed away within my spirit.

To live only for oneself, like Alice, seems like such an incredible thing to me. I don't think I would like living that way, and I don't like those who do, but I think there are times in life when that kind of strength is necessary. I wonder if it's only because of Decus' support that Alice is able to live that way. If that's the case, I guess that would make Decus the stronger of the two.

Decus is the one who killed the real Emil and his family. It was Decus who attacked Palmacosta, and Decus who attacked Flanoir. I will never forgive him. I certainly owe that much to the real Emil, who loaned me his name and life. However, I think I understand a little about how Decus lives, and where he gets his strength. Because now I, too, have someone who's important to me.

When the battle ended, Alice and Decus fell before us. We didn't want to have to take their lives, but their strength left us with no other choice. I wonder if Richter will have to face the same fate. Even if we won't ever see eye-to-eye, does that really mean that we can't both live on?

That may be asking too much. After all, I couldn't forgive Decus, and to Richter, I am the enemy that can never be forgiven.

----------------------------------------------

Entry 169: After traveling a short distance, Lloyd came running to us. He said that all of the others had been turned to stone. That was the trap I had set. It was only due to Martel's protection that Lloyd had been spared. As we set off to save the others, Lloyd guessed what my plan was. I tried to mislead him, but I guess it isn't hard to see through me. It hurt to have to betray Lloyd's trust, but this is the only way I know to resolve this crisis. I'm sorry,Lloyd.

We finally found Regal and the others, and as Lloyd said, they had all been turned to stone. As I transformed them back to normal, it hit me how, despite what I'd always thought, I wasn't a human being at all. It was a strange feeling.

No one seemed to have been harmed by the ordeal. So let's hurry on to the doorto the demon realm.

Aqua blocked us from entering the room to the demonic realm. She told us that Richter hated me for senselessly murdering Aster, and that led him to forge his pact with the demons, in exchange for selling out this world, the demons promised to resurrect Aster. Aqua also accused me of modeling my human form after Aster to rub salt in Richter's wound.

I don't know why I chose Aster as my human form. Perhaps when Marta summoned me, and I had to be reborn as a human, I simply went with the form of the last human I had seen before entering my core state. I don't think that I--or rather, the Ratatosk of that time--had any intention of causing Richter pain. In fact, I doubt that Ratatosk had any interest in Richter whatsoever.

Aqua transformed herself into a monster and challenged us in battle. Centurions can't fight by themselves, so all they can do is create new monsters by shaping their own bodies into them. That's just how determined Aqua was to protect Richter.

We had to do whatever was necessary to reach the door to the demonic realm. After defeating the monster that Aqua had created, Aqua herself collapsed from her wounds, and reverted to her core state. Forgive me, Aqua. I know how much I've hurt you. I'm truly sorry.

Well, Richter is just ahead. With all that's happened, I feel that I can understand Richter's grief and hatred. But I can't allow him to turn this world into a demonic realm just so he can get Aster back. I must stop Richter at all costs.

As for what comes after that I'm counting on you, Marta.

When you learn the truth, I'm sure you'll be furious. I'm so sorry, Marta and thank you for everything.

==============================

[nonbinarygamzee]

ok sorry as a warning this is not a lighthearted post but yes god yes lrt, the idea of certain things being both allegorical and textual within homestucks narrative is soooo vital to the stuff i have to say about its themes specifically as it relates to english and undertones of child abuse and csa/cocsa going on with the characters who function as his servants and/or constituents. i always end up exhausting myself out of talking about any of it because i have ocd and just preemptively assume im going to be killed with knives for talking about topics like this but its just what im most interested in so. we are sooo back.

anyways. i wrote this little post a while back, and while as usual i kind of struggled to articulate or expand on what i meant, i think and write about it a lot. in fact i would call it probably my primary reading focus when talking about homestuck and its preoccuption with inescapable cycles and the general unspoken troubles of adolescence. to me you just cannot have a story about how hard and isolating it is to Grow Up, about feeling Trapped, and not find something to say about these kinds of abuse.

and abuse or some sort of overtly negative relationship to sex is an attribute that you can prescribe to.... every character who works under or functions as a part of lord english, who is in of himself both textually and metaphorically a symbol of abuse exerted on all of these children. from equius' sexual harassment to gamzee's being the recipient of it, from damaras blatant assertion of her sexuality in as unapproachable a way as she can following a traumatic event, to scratch's blatant pedophilia, etc etc. it is a Constant in all of characters tied to this demon who himself is representative of averse childhood experience and exertion of oppressive power. theres no escape from it how there is no escape from him and it manifests in ways that are both tangibly and textually being experienced by these characters, and wholly representatively. hell, in ways i think it is even manifesting in ways that ostensibly blur the line between the literal and metaphorical, in that characters like caliborn are sometimes acting as blatant stand-ins for teenage sex pestery while the entire joke is he is not actually particularly capable of the kind of sexual gradification that follows all he is spouting as means of causing discomfort.

theres this constant grappling with autonomy throughout homestuck as a whole, and ina way that definitely manifests as overtly drawing from ideas of abuse especially sexual in nature amd its by no means limited to the handful of characters that have this direct relation to lord english, but that additional proximity and alliance (condtional or not) these characters are also alligned within to me screams very very loudly of the kind of relationship you have when the prepetrator of your abuse is somebody who you are trapped in that close proximity to, and who benefits from that proximity because of the ways that it grants deniability and abstraction to keep it covert.

[nfumbewalk]

Busy Critter! 💀

Three aspects of Santa Muerte, taken some time ago.

I'm a busy critter today. And I found out wonderful news! The steelhead fishies are coming back! The Native Americans told folks long ago to bust up a dam that was killing the steelhead population and they finally listened!! Yay! 😊 I love fish and hate ppl who mess with them. Still wanna be a fish doctor. Lol! Well, seriously, I would totally be an Ichthyologist and yes, I knew how to spell it. Geek! I'm a Chinook salmon lover. 💖 Yes, I eat them. Its the cycle of life.

Anyway, writing stuff today. I'm coming up with my own card set for divination. Very very simple. A kid could draw the images for me cos I cannot. The meanings are soooo easy. I've come up with 32 cards, well, there's numbers 1-10, then 22 picture cards. Reminds me of Lenormand cards but I'm trying not to mimic them. When ready, I'll get the blank cards from Amazon.

I don't know where the idea came from, but come to think of it, I was thinking of Rodolfo and he fluttered in recognition. So I think he inspired me. Especially because there's two "Muerto" cards. His presence has been really strong lately. He says this is the time of year that he had his accident. When he was In the military - he mangled his right hand. Guess it was bad enough to get discharged because he couldn't work his job. He says he nearly lost two fingers. I haven't seen his hand yet. Scared to! I'm not weak, I just hate to think or see that he got hurt. My empathy goes nutters.

Today i saw a real good edge of *white* freaking hair on my head! I wasn't quite ready for that. Who is? 😅 Gen X getting old! Though my husband has an almost white beard and tendrils of white in his dirty blonde hair. All MY fault!! Lol! He's five years my senior but fuck, I know that dealing with my shit aged him. Funny thing is that it took my dad forever to go grey and even at the time of his death, he still had a lot of black hair and under his beard??!!

He barely aged!! He looked like a much younger man, not a 74 year old. I really was floored. My family ages pretty good but we don't live that long. Its my dad's side, I think the Native American genes, because they age quite well. Ojibwe or Cree, not sure, but I lean toward Ojibwe more. Some ppl say I look Native, but I don't know. When i part my hair and put two braids in, yeah, I do. But I thought I heard Grandpa Ben say we were Cree. I'd love to know, but my family doesn't talk. We just don't. Its the generational gap.

Anyway, its just funny how all of this stuff I'm doing is coming together and I don't need a soul to teach me anything or initiate me! Ha! I think this is what my old Tata Antonio was alluding to years ago. He did tell me that I didn't need anyone. That I already had it in me. And he came to me recently and said he was really proud of what I was doing with Muerteria. Hmm. Yep, its all making sense now. Think I've been in the dark for a bit! 😂 Antonio said that I didn't need initiation. OMG. I'm so dumb.

I have been torturing myself for years. Don't need any of it! I don't need to ever wear white again!!! Yes! Woot! I'll only put it on my head for cleansings, that's it! I love white, just not clothing. 😆 i exclusively use white candles. Lol.

Sooo...I'm working on my Etsy shop. Not plugging it. I'm not even putting a link. Trying to figure out what sells. I put up a special Muerteria tarot reading. Hope it gets views. I updated all of my ads. I'm really just charging the most for the rituals because they are expensive to do and maintain for a month, some are shorter.

My Mama Chola Wealth ritual is the most money because I have to go to the river weekly and float an offering upstream. Plus her other offering is not appealing, and I also have to go outdoors for it and leave it by a tree. Palo "deities" or rather mpungo, like their offerings in nature. I remember going to the Siuslaw Nat'l Forest and leaving a steak for Zarabanda. That was definitely received! Even my husband Tom could feel it. It was like Zarabanda "shook" the land, almost felt like an earthquake.

I'm just trying to offer things that ppl are going to be interested in and can benefit from. I'm not into offering outlandish shit for a thousand dollars and then give no physical item? What's up with that? WTF is a chi ball anyway???!! That sounds New Age and fake. Ppl "give" those "chi balls" out a lot. How fucking dumb. I would want a real tactile item. I've done just digital rituals and I felt terrible. I'm no longer doing those. Readings, yes. Rituals, no. There are TONS of frauds on Etsy. Its Snake Oil version 2024! Utter fakes on Etsy - the lot of them. If someone says they can spiritually cleanse you without being WITH you - fraud! Run away!

Sorry but I'm old school. Before the internet. I learned magic from paper. Something called a book. The internet is full of trash information. Learn discernment before attempting to learn online. It doesn't hurt to read a book. Try a book more than 30 years old. Most of my good books are more than 50-60 years old. Old info? Not really because modern books just steal from my favorite old books! 😂 And flagrantly, without citing their sources.

There is a great book with tons of information. Its not horribly rare. Amazon can hook you up. "A Treasury of Witchcraft," by Harry Wedeck. Fun book if you really know what you are doing. Really useless if you don't. Hardcovers are spendy. My hardcover was under $10. This book is my go to for old effective spells.

You will find with old books that they are not politically correct, not inclusive and not sensitive to a lot of our issues of today. If that bothers you, avoid all books before 1980. Not saying that the 80's were good. But there were vast improvements. I know. Because. I've. Read. A LOT. Of books. 😉 I can give horrid examples of insensitive language that ppl used to use. But I just don't care myself. I care for others though, and that counts.

To end this old wind bags post? No beer until after noon o'clock. My mom's rule. Grandma popped her cap off at 10 AM. 😂 Sad but true.

M.M. 💖💀💖

[makeyoumine69]

Hi, I’m so sorry if this is an inconvenience, but I thought you’d be able to help me with something because you’re Patrick’s favorite 🥰🥰

So… okay. Very weird situation I’m in, but. like. I have always loved self shipping. Especially with villains. I have always thought of myself as the “exception” where they could be horrible to everyone, but be kind to me, if I were a character in their show or movie or book. But then I spent all of 2022 and 2023 being abused, I have now been convinced that love comes with conditions, and it’s affected my self shipping too. even though I have escaped my abusive situation, the damage still lingers. I’ve been trying very hard for to heal from what happened to me, yet self shipping is still something very difficult for me to do now, when it used to be the easiest thing in the world. Even with non-villains, I still think I am unable to receive kindness unless it is in the form of violence.

Well, I watched American Psycho a few days ago, and I really fell for Pat. Like. Really fell for him, for some godforsaken reason lol?? And for a few days, I genuinely felt good with him, I felt safe, like he couldn’t harm me. I felt like the exception. This was my first time feeling genuinely good while self shipping again. I thought he’d never hurt me simply because he likes me enough to want me to feel loved and safe with him. That he could be horribly violent to everyone in the world, but with me it’d be so different. I spent all of yesterday feeling so proud of the progress I am making in my healing and genuinely feeling so loved and happy. Imagining him giving me flowers, admiring the star clips in my hair, liking my freckles and counting them. Fluffy romantic stuff haha. I have even thought of him protecting me, him knowing my past of being hurt, him being so overwhelmed with rage on my behalf and vowing to never make me feel scared like other people did. I have thought of him as a… very violent guard dog boyfriend 😂

But fast forward to this morning, I am talking to one of my friends who is also into self shipping, about to announce my exciting news that I am finally on the path to healing, that I feel really good drawing myself and writing myself with a very sick, twisted, violent murderous villain, and maybe that means I can feel good with other characters someday too. But my friend said very casually about how Patrick is shallow and a misogynist, which… yes, he is, I am aware 😭 and they kept going on about how he’d never love a girl who isn’t super thin and Hollywood attractive. And it felt like a punch to the guts. I realized I would never ever be attractive to Pat. I feel. disgusting. I feel… like the exact opposite of everything he’d desire, now that my friend had made me think about it: I’m not thin, I’m very chubby with a round stomach, I have freckles, glasses, I don’t even have nice nails because I bite them, and my teeth aren’t white because a side effect of my antidepressant yellows them a bit — I am just. feeling too unattractive to Bateman. Not to say that any of these traits are unattractive, I just feel like… *Pat* wouldn’t like them, wouldn’t like ME specifically. Having a combination of all of these makes me feel… Undesirable to him. Not the exception anymore. And that kills me. I feel so hurt and heartbroken. It was the first time in a year that I was finally started to feel good self shipping again ;-; and now I cannot bring myself to indulge any romantic ideas with him anymore. I feel very stupid for allowing myself to have feelings.

Days ago, I went into his tag to look at photos of him, and found your blog, and remembered you seem to write for him, so you’d know him better than anyone else. I know it’s highly unrealistic for him to like me, but could you tell me how he’d maybe find someone like me attractive, even if I’m not conventionally attractive? It doesn’t have to be a drabble or a fic at all, I’m just asking for uh, reassurance, I suppose. I’m so sorry to come to you and bother you with this but I have been crying about it all day and I thought I’d ask for your perspective on the matter :’) anyway, I’m so sorry, if you don’t want to reply, please don’t worry about it. thank you very much for your time. I hope you have a good New Years and please take care 💙💙💙

Hello my dear anon! 💕 First of all, I want to thank you for putting so much effort into writing this - I can relate to all of this because most of my irl friends call me crazy when I say that Patrick Bateman is my comfort character, and it really sucks. It took me a long time to realize that the most important thing is not someone else's opinion, but how your crush makes you feel. In my darkest days, Patrick was my savior, and I would never trade that feeling of comfort for someone else's opinion. And I'm not a model either, but I will tell you this - Patrick's taste in dates and his obsession with being perfect in everything was driven by the society he lived in. Only God knows what his real preferences in dates were. Remember, he seems to only love blondes, but his ex-girlfriend Bethany was a brunette and, in my opinion, she contributed a lot to his self-destruction and loss of sanity. So, my point is pretty simple - you may think your imperfections are bad, but to another person they could be the rarest of diamonds, because we are who we are, some people are just afraid to show their true selves. Patrick is exactly that kind of person. Speaking of writing - you can come into my DM, and I'd be happy to talk to you about anything! Please don't cry! I'm eager to do whatever I can to help you!