#i cant make this migraine go away its been literal fucking days ive had it

[adampage]

anyway my brain still hurts and i dont care about this essay anymore so im gonna go to bed. good night

[fukozawa]

venting just ignore me // tw: weight, sui, sh

i really wish i had a therapist

I havent had a therapist since i was 15 over a decade ago. And even then i didn’t want to be there and didn’t take advantage of how much of a privilege it was

I don’t think ill ever be able to be vulnerable with anyone in my life. I don’t think ill ever not feel like a burden. And if that ever goes away it’ll surely be after years of therapy which i don’t and won’t have access to for the foreseeable future

Anytime I’m faced with the opportunity to open up or ask for a listening ear, I’m fully paralyzed from seeking that out. Its like right before i take that step, right as my foot is about to touch the shaky ground of opening up to someone that wants to be there for me, its like my own subconscious flings me backwards through midair and everything i wanted to say is blank and i physically cant utter the words. Its like all the feelings that made me want to seek out help in the first place suddenly disappear and I’m miraculously totally fine and not sure why I needed to reach out in the first place and waste anyones time or emotional energy.

Theres always this underlying feeling that i don’t matter and i can easily disappear from peoples lives and they wouldn’t notice, so why make them become further invested in my issues when I’m basically nonexistent as it is. Obviously its the avoidant attachment style but to an extreme. I don’t have to avoid people when i constantly feel like others are avoiding me. And especially avoiding my feelings, which have oftentimes been too heavy for others to carry.

Ive never had a irl friend who would just listen to me and be emotionally intelligent enough to not project their own ideas onto me, but who knew how to allow their presence be the comfort that i needed.

I cant stop myself from diverting the attention away from myself and focusing on other peoples problems or worries in order to avoid having to talk about my own.

In reality i could literally talk about myself and my constant self analysis for hours, theres so much that ive reflected on and so much i could use external insight on, but by the time i scratch the tip of the iceberg, the intrusive thought of being a burden/waste of time/emotional drain on those around me is too powerful to ever scratch the surface of what really goes on with me. Even on tumblr i try not to vent here as often as id like bc its literally so embarrassing being a human and having to have human emotions like literally so annoying i hate having to subject anyone to this.

Tho if im honest I’m lonelier than ive ever been and nothing is more affirming of my trauma and need for community than how expertly I’m able to isolate myself so diligently. Thats just one of the ways I’m able to self harm without anyone noticing. Another big way lately has been depriving myself of sleep, i cant stop myself. The feeling of being so ridiculously tired that i cant help but pass out is the best feeling ever cuz it means not a moment is spent with my own thoughts. I know its hurting me so much, bc my head screams at me with some of the worst headaches (which i realized recently are likely migraines) but its part of the sh i guess. When it gets too unbearable i just take some pain medicine and i can go about my day. Burning eye sockets are a lot easier to ignore than a radiating pounding skull.

Ive become so unhealthy but i don’t care. Sadly I’m skinny so no one questions it. I’m severely underweight but restricting food intake is another way i subtly self harm. I think its obvious but my parents are too self centered to notice and if they do notice they clearly don’t think its enough of a concern to mention to me. Its not actually on purpose tho, i have arfid due to being autistic and making myself a meal thats not instant ramen is literal fucking hell on earth and feels like I’m trying to run through waste deep water. I never have an appetite and the act of even having to eat at all is exhausting/draining. I hate food and if i could survive on vibes & Dr Pepper alone without having to eat food id be more than happy. I constantly have anxiety that there’s something seriously wrong with my body but id never know because my body is constantly being put through the wringer, experiencing such regular levels of discomfort/pain its impossible for me to acknowledge which of my bodies signals are truly dire.

Living with my mother is slowly killing me but i have no way out due to crippling levels of anxiety and absolutely zero energy to care for myself enough to be able to take action on things that would benefit my future self. It doesnt help that it feels like the world is ending and feeling like i may not have a lot of time left anyways so might as well spend my life in bed miserable under the covers starving and malnourished, cuz its the only thing I’m good at.

I feel like I’m always in some sort of dissociative state that i don’t know how to turn off. I try to ground myself and it just comes right back. When it comes to my emotional state i have absolutely zero support system and its hard to not feel like everyone is better off not having to deal with my bullshit drama. Its hard not to feel like I’m making all this up and just being dramatic, like I’m faking all of this and i bet if i wasnt such a coward I wouldn’t have all these issues.

A part of me is jealous of the people who took their lives already. They were powerful people. I wish i could be like them. And not have to deal with the pain of existing as an autistic gay person who never felt truly seen. As terrifying as that is thats all ive ever wanted, for someone to genuinely want to See me and Understand me. Cuz up to this point in my life ive gone out of my way for others to make sure they feel understood, but not once has anyone put that same energy towards me. Which is why I’m hesitant to continue trying to form new close relationships, whats the point when all my prior experiences have shown how little most people give a shit about forming lasting strong connections that stand the test of time. Even the bare minimum of asking someone to educate themselves on the autistic experience so they can begin to try understand my experience, is somehow too much to ask and too high of an expectation.

Anyways I’m done venting for now and its finally time for me to sleep after being awake for 24+ hrs lmao k bye

[spywitch]

Im starting to hate my roommate so much lmao. I hate the way she treats me but like lol I feel like I’m also used to being treated like this by people all the time (just not to this degree of it leading to conflict) and idk if its literally just because of how awkward and bad at communicating I am or something but like.

It will go like this: I get completely left out of the loop on something. Like say theres a chore thing going on and I don’t really know what the plan is with it, or someone is going out of town or bringing guests over or something and I have no idea, or literally just anything like that you know nobody communicates with me. Which then I’m like sure, maybe its my own fault because I isolate myself or whatever, but when I fucking say anything to this particular roommate about any issue, or ask any question about something everyone has left me in the dark on, I get this fucking response like I just asked the weirdest, dumbest question, or like I just said something incredibly rude. Which lmao certainly doesn’t make me feel like communicating about anything in the future… and lack of communication on both ends has led to conflict sometimes lol.

Like for example, fuckin idk washing machine had a problem and I was like “oh weird, last time I used it it wouldnt stop beeping but its done that before and I thought it was bc the door just wasnt latched”, and I get the “you need to tell me stuff like that right away” lecture (she owns the house).

So later we get a new washer, and as my roommates rave about it I sheepishly pipe up that it seems to run really hot. I felt like my roommate stared daggers at me, and was like “What do you mean?” and I was like well it was really hot when I did a load and ive had no hot water in my showers for the past couple nights when everyone did a lot of laundry. And she acts like I’m a dumbass like “You wash your clothes in hot water?? 🤨” and “well yeah you cant shower at the same time as someone else” and again the “why didnt you say anything” when I am there, literally trying to say something and this kind of reaction is exactly why I’m AFRAID to say something immediately. I felt like she was acting like I’m being stupid and/or accusatory or something. And then they look and it turns out, they accidentally switched the hot and cold water and it WAS blasting everything with hot water 😭

Another example, different roommate has a puppy she took off someone’s hands and is trying to rehome for them, she asked me to let it out in the morning but didnt say if she needed help letting it out throughout the day and just in general nobody has told me if someone is helping her with the puppy while she’s at work bc ive also been at work until today. Later roommate ive been having issues with comes home and I ask “have you let the puppy out today?” and again I get the like “What?” in the “wtf are you talking about” tone and she’s like “No, I’ll do it in a second” so I’m like “oh its ok I’ll take him out” and she was like “What??” and im like 😭 im literally just trying to help jesus, what did I fucking say thats offending you?? To be fair this interaction she was like, mid-migraine and im pretty sure didnt register what i said at first so I would give it a pass but its just like a Pattern of acting like literally everything I say is rude or stupid or something.

[stereotypicalantagonist]

tw: self harm, vague eating disorder, suicide, suicide, suicide, this stupid pandemic

i think we all know if i’m back ehre then shit’s hit the fan lmao

like jesus its basically a checklist at this point like oh just the usual nothing to see hree nothing important going on just lemme lie toe veryone i know and self destruct from the privacy of my bathroom floor l m a o

i s2g people only want me to be some fucking parent to fix everything for them and to listen to a bunch of bullshit baby complaints every fucking day and ims o fucking tired and overwhelmed and i wish i could just have one fucking day where i didnt have to be responsible for fucking everything

like i fucking resent my dogs at this point and i feel myself getting set off just because the cat is messin with something and its fucking stupid like ive been at a boiling poin for whell over a year but nah who fucking cares

wanna die? oh yeah wish ic ould self harm? big fucking mood want the entire world to just shut the fuck up? god please want to disappear to the woods? jesus yes let me become a hermit

i want to be swallowed by the world and i want everything to just fucking stop for five minutes so i could fucking breathe for fucking ocne but nononononononononono fucking n o

stupid ass reoccuring ganglion cyst on my elft hand? brutal body falling apart? check havent had migraine meds for two months? cant wait to stab out my own temple to relieve the pressure

but yknowe. i’m nothing more than a fucking therapist for everyone in my life and im just so fucking exhausted

cant do anything right cant even fuckin eat right without being asked about it cant manage to wash a fukin spoon right cant take care of my dogs right cant even fucking take care of mysle like why the fuck am i even trying

the one person i had who never wanted anything from me other than my company go t taken away from me because of this fucking pandemic that i cant escape no matter what i do and shes in a nursing home and like literally this is so fucking stupid iw ould go through a full hazmat decon wahtever just to sit with her for ten fucking minutes and have her ask about my blue hair

everything is garbage and i wish i could shut off my brain i wish i could fucking cope i wish i wasnt fucking alive but HERE WE FUCKING ARE. everyhting hurtsa and the weather is ass and it makes everything worse

i cant even bother to typet his right like whats the fucking point

god i wish i could just escape i wish i was fucking jared, aged 19 or fucking dead like i couldve been three years ago but nah im stuck in this useless meat suit with a brain that cant functionr ight

literally its sad boi psychosis hours and i want to die

lmao i could just relapse and no one would give a shit because itws not beneficial to them like everyone would be so much better off if i just went throughw tih it and got out of their hair like im fucking annoying and have nothing to contribute except being expected to listen to everyone else twenty fuour fuckin seven and yknow what? i don’t fucking want to

fuck it lets ruin everything lets make everyone pissed off that i cant be used anymore lets just fucking go

just fucking go away forever

[tumblunni]

aaaaaugh that was a weird adventure of a normal thing seriously wtf how did I Almost Die from just trying to pay my electricity bills?? the electricity went out at midnight and I was having a WHOPPING GIANT MIGRAINE and seriously i suck at talking to cashiers on the best of days but now i have to call a taxi at midnight and sit there feeling awkward for like half an hour while the guy drives me several miles away to the only electricity place thats open 24/7 and like five minutes in i realized OH SHIT THIS MIGRAINE IS MORE SERIOUS THAN I EXPECTED but like i was trapped in a car and trapped in an awkward social situation! so i was here all dizzy and disassociating and like it felt like the window was a computer screen?? cos im nearsighted a lot and of course its gonna get even worse when i have a dizzy migraine of death doom. i was just so out of it with pain and tiredness and the car shaking me about and just it felt like i wasnt really there but i was still in my house just watching all this on the tv or something. i had to look down at my hands cos they were the only non blurry thing, i had to remind myself that i actually existed and wasnt somehow being erased from the world and replaced by a film reel of some guy sitting in a car?? So I am like Absolutely Fucking Nonfunctional here, and being acutely aware of how i forgot to wear my glasses and apparantly also my socks. Tho in my defense it would have been hard to put them on in the dark anyway! and seriously THIS POOR CAB GUY! like it seemed english wasnt his first language and i felt so bad cos like how can i make it clear that I am the one messing up here?? dude you didnt mishear me i really am slurring everything i say and forgetting half the dictionary. HE WAS SO NICE! I wish i could have like.. been able to register any of his individual faceparts as a coherant whole. I have problems with prosopagnosia even on a good day, but like whoa man i did not have the energy left to concentrate on what this guy even looked like. i feel bad cos i dont know his name either, im gonna remember him as just this big helpful shadow void with a nice accent. HOW DID YOU PUT UP WITH ME EMBARASSING MYSELF SO MUCH, YOU WONDERFUL CABMAN actaully wait do you call them cabs in america aa im sorry this post isnt very america translated i try and generally self-correct to america english cos i know like 90% of my followers seems to be america for some reason i do not understand HELLO AMERICDA FRIENDS TODAY okay so i was Dying in a taxi which is also called a cab, and the company was Capital Cabs which is very good and i love them and they have an automated system so you dont have to talk on the phone and seriously that cut like 50% of terror from this terror day SO ANYWAY I WAS DYING we go all over the place looking for the 24 hours electric place, and then for some reason they are closed?? there was a line outside and i think actually the doors got stuck and the cashiers couldnt get out??? what happened?? i guess i will never know cos i had to leave that mini story behind and find another electric hilariously we found one LITERALLY ACROSS THE ROAD there was THE SAME SHOP ACROSS THE ROAD FACING EACH OTHER MIRROR IMAGE WHAT like seriously fuck im already in a dizzy daze floating halfway out my own body like i didnt need any more evidence im currently in wonderland i want to know this story too, dammit! are those rival stores?? of the same brand?? somehow?? or are they owned by the same person?? because why?? is it like the area was so in-demand of small 24/7 shops that they had to make two within five metres of each other? or is it like they’re the same shop but they didnt have enough space to build the full size they wanted so they purchased two smaller land plots? or something? DID IT JUST EXIST FOR THIS SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCE OF ME NEEDING THE SHOP WHEN THE SHOP IS CLOSED “tumblr blogger tumblunni will show up fuckin migraine stoned on the 9th of november, as the prophecy foretold” omg i just mispelled prophecy as prophey and that sounds like a cute ass oc name holy shit ANYWAY im here dissacoiating my ass off and trying and failing to stick my debit card in the card machine and all the time im like FUCKIN OBSESSING over how sauboh is a really better name. Like faba is still a cute name but sauboh is a COOL name! no name is better than sauboh! and why u wanna this evil man have a cute name anyway?? when u be all cruel in the anime and sand off even the slightest non horrible edges he ever had, like seriously im unreasonably upset that everyone hates faba even more now. when will i get my sneaky science grandpa guy who is not evil for once but merely misunderstood and then i adopt him and hug him many and the all is resolved so yeah im fuckin haviung trouble focusing on what im actually doing jesus christ then i stumble into the store and i pay for my electric and im like ‘no no no fucking shit this migraine is WAY worse than i expected, im going to fucking die’ so i ask if they have any paracetamol but i cant remember the word for paracetamol and its all super embarassing. and like THE GUY LOOKS AT ME AS IF IM CRAZY. He’s all ‘ugh why would we have that, geez’. like wtf?? i mean i know i couldnt remember the name of it but i said ‘headache medicine’ so im sure he understood what i meant. i had a long rambling discussion with the taxi man about how weird that was, he was like ‘no, seriously EVERY 24 hour newsagent sells that stuff’ and i was like ‘no seriously he was rude to me for asking, like wtf’ and then i repeated the story about three more times cos i was currently in the throes of brain death in retrospect maybe the cashier thought i was drunk or something?? or high? i mean you cant get high from headache pills but i dunno maybe they mix badly with booze and he thought he was saving my life. i like to think the best of people! i wish i hadnt jumped to the grumpy conclusion during that moment and then whined like a lil bitch to this poor cab man and seriously he was SO NICE! he was like ‘dude seriously we’d have to drive anothr five miles to find another newsagent shop, im trying to save you money’ and he tried to give me some of the paracetamol he had in his wallet and i was like YOURE SO FUCKIN NICE IM DYING, I COULD NEVER ACCEPT THAT but also in retrospect probably that was a good decision cos even if the guy seemed super nice and trustable its like Good Life Policy to not take medicine from people you don’t know. I am 100% sure tho that he actually was genuine and wasnt gonna fuckin murder me with fakeacetamol HE WAS SO NICE! HIM AND HIS NONDESCRIPT FACIAL REGION! why cant i remember ANYTHING about this man oh and also I was able to give some money to a lady on the street!! i don’t know if she was actually homeless, she said that she had some trouble with a hotel booking or something so she was just stuck sleeping outside for the night. i cant remember if she had any luggage so i cant verify if the story is true, it just made me really sad wondering if it WASNT true and its like she needed to lie or people wouldnt give her money?? like seriously homeless people are the most vunerable yet theyre the ones people have the least sympathy for! wtf having to like like ‘i need the money less’... anyway i also couldnt remember her face and was kinda slurring my words to death and i didnt have much money to give but aaaa i hope i helped!! so yeah fuckin SMASH CUT to the next newsagent place and seriously i swear i blacked out for a minute cos it was just like wow we’re there in 48 seconds yet the clock says a bunch more miles and THEY HAD PARACETALMOL AND I WAS FUCKIN CRYING IN A SPAR MART thenk u cashier man who was probablyh very confused at this guy with no socks also for some reason my mind was wandering to the topic of what i’d do if i got misgendered in a cinema, like holding this fuckin entire fictional argument with this manifestation of my own self doubt WHAT EVEN INSPIRED THAT THOUGHT PROCESS so i’m nigh passing out and the nice cab man takes me home and he tries to make me pay less than the fee on the clock and im like NO DUDE IT WAS MY OWN CHOICE TO GO 2 PARACETAMOL SHOP seriously he was SO NICE why cant i remember his faaaaaace and i usually like to give a tip to the taxi guy even though tipping isnt really a thing in my country cos just i feel like Being Nice Is Nice and i want to thank them for their nice but i DIDNT HAVE ANY MORE MONEY LEFT so aaaa i was only able to give him an extra £0.50 but thank you taxi man i hope you have a good night and good life and the universe rewards you for helping a migraine fucked bunbun this eve and now ive shoved medicines in my fave and im just waiting for them to kick in and i know i should eat something but i feel so nauseous aaarglefargle also nice taxi man told me a story about how the same thing happened to him once except the electric went out while he was in the shower. So he just got blasted by cold water AND had to stumble down the stairs in the dark, and then friggin buy electric while his ears were still fulla soap. Whoa dude your bravery in face of embarassment exceeds my own! i love you platonically mr cab man thanks for making me feel less nervous and such while i was Die so yeah hopefully i will be less die soon ok bye also sauboh is a best name and i need to steal it for an oc or something NINTEND U LET IT SLIP AWAY

[j5m5t96]

Cant Breathe

Its been a while that i have felt like this, and i haven't felt this way since i was in grade 11 highschool. But during that time i had hard classes that i sucked at, and was struggling with shitty friends, migraines almost daily, and fainting minimum 2 times a week. On one hand it is nice to look back at that time because even though i was in such a dark dark place i came out the other side, however on the other hand i feel like i almost had a reason to feel the way i was feeling back then. I mean i was going through a lot of health shit so i feel like it made sense at that time. But now... although i am going through health issues yet again, i feel like its not close to what i have been through. But now its like i cant do anything because of all these things happening. and like everything seems too much, even writing this thing is too much i keep having to stop and think and start again and then stop and clear my mind and just write and it feels overwhelming. 

so im going to try something 

social life: okay so social life.....honestly its popping right now, but its a little too much. for me i have a lot of friends and i have a lot of different friends and that isnt to say that oh my god i have soooo many friends my lifes amazing. i just talk to a lot of people and i have a lot of connections with people and for me friends become family and they all have different purposes in my life and we do different things. but its a lot because i wanna see them all and i wanna please everyone but theres not enough time in a day, unless i literally do nothing for myself and just be there for others. but i cant do that, even now i feel like i cant breathe or work on myself. my friends use me as a person to talk to about their issues and hang out with when things are bad and i love that because it means they trust me and im helping them, but for the most part when i need them its not the same or its not noted thus making me feel like i cant talk to them. i just feel really overwhelmed with the things people want and need from me and i never have time for myself because im always on other peoples time. like if i could just get away and not come back for a while and not contact with anyone i feel like i would be so happy because i just cant handle all these people at once. (thats all i can write right now because i cant make up anymore sentences)

Work: currently unemployed and trying but not really, but need a job. this is the most stressful thing for me because i have been used to paying for all my things and just doing what i want and using my money but i dont really have that freedom. i also have no structure and i just dont know what to do man like everything i do work wise fucks up and fucks me over and i dont know what to do or why this keeps happening to me. 

mental health: horrible. i constantly have bad thoughts. i cant breathe. i have no motivation. i dont want to do anything. im stressed and unhappy and i dont know waht to do. like i dont even care about any of these mistakes ive been making.

physical health: shit. i have an autoimmune disease thing that gives me hives and its basically an aggressive allergy, but im allergic to the outside world, and foods. the only things i can eat without getting hives is veggies, fruit and meat. thats it. and its hard. i only have a lot of fatigue and theres just a lot of stress on my body internally that im struggling with that doesnt help with every other aspect that im trying to deal with

oaky thats it, made no sense but heres a little indicator of where youre at on feb 7th 2020.

[powderedskiesandrainboweyes]

I spend a good portion of every single day thinking about how I’ve been fucked over in almost every single situation. I spend hours applying to jobs and cleaning the house and also ocasionally getting ready for and going to job interviews. I never get the job. Ive been fired for being gay. Ive been fired for not working fast enough when management literally never paid attention to my work. I got a job at an Indian food restruant at one point.. I was supposed to be a line cook. They had me washing dishes all day. They called me after the first 6hour training day and told me they “wouldnt need me anymore.” Everything has been a shit show for me ever since I’ve been little. My mom had cancer for 8 ½ years of my life. I basically ended up providing hospice care to her. She died 3 days after my birthday. It makes the holiday season unbearable. People tell me happy birthday, or happy thanksgiving and I literally want to punch them in the face. I would be happen being punched in the face. In the time that I dont spend looking for work and cleaning the house I think of every different way I could kill myself. I was recently in the hospital and on my way there this psychriast tried to talk to me and even after I told him I have PTSD and can’t remember my childhood and I’m trans so I’m a boy he gave me this bullshit speech about how I need to “find the little girl who I was and ask her if she would want me to kill her.” I have trust issues. I have multiple good reasons for wanting to kill myself and I’ve been so unhappy for so long that even if I was admitted to a hospital today I don’t feel like it would help much. I have a therapist that I talk with for an hour ever two weeks. I tell her things and she tell me she’s concerned that I won’t be there for the next session. She basically makes me promise I won’t hurt myself before I go. I never mean it. Every single time I want to kill myself and I dont I always end up regretting it almost immediately. Ive been on meds but they make me hungry and give me migraines. I stopped them last night. I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was 18. They took me to the hospital because my primary care doctor gave me 80mg of Prozac and I lost my mind for a while. I dont know why he thought raising the dose on an antidepressant was the answer to my sadness. Bipolar people cant have antidepressants. If my best friend handn’t been there I probably would have just went ahead and done it. My best friend lives in a different state now. As much as she would want to, she probably couldn’t help me. I moved a few times between 18-19 years old and eventually found myself with some friends in Missouri but otherwise alone. No support from any of my family. I ended up back in the hospital for what was maybe the 4th or 5th time at this point. I had stopped eating. I was going to the gym a few times a day. I wanted to stop existing. Fast forward to now. I’m sitting in my car listening to modest mouse which sounds kind of emo.. And probably is.. But it feels good to scream along to it. At least it usually does. I’m not finding much joy in it today. I’m not finding much joy in anything. I moved to California for better health care and I’ve got a pretty good partner, but she gets upset over me not being able to make decisions. Its hard to make decisions when all you think about is how much of a disgusting useless human you are and how much you wish you had killed yourself at 15 when you ran away from home. I’m 22 now and I’ve been in the hospital maybe 6 times. My therapist says shes terrified of the fact that I feel like I don’t really have much reason to live. I feel like its not my fault that my life seems meaningless. No matter how hard I try everything just seems to dissolve around me. I’m having a hard time finding a reason why anything is worth living anymore.