#i could write a whole ass essay on that point alone

[shidoukanae]

Paris Valerian but i redesign his dragon form for funsies based on how i see him=. Not sure if I like this design bc im not a fan of bulkier looking dragons but for Paris I think this works??

Some headcanons about this design:

has a bit of a bull-like look bc I associate bulls with persistence and madness and idk that fits Paris well so if Fian has a “fox” motif Paris gets a “bull” one for his dragon form 

His design is based a lot on how a stereotypically evil dragon would look???? Because imo OG!Paris reads as a massive antagonist and I think giving him a look that fits that vibe in his dragon form works!! Especially because he still is an antagonist in a way (though god does he not read that way lmao)

he’s stronger in his dragon form than Fian is and he uses this to his advantage to bully Fian around whenever they playfight as dragons. That said, it seems Paris is surprisingly gentle towards Fian in this form and never hurts him.

he uses this form to intimidate people into getting what he wants. He’s not used to getting retaliated against while in this form and quickly respects anyone who does so (read: Fian, Lyla and Helene)

the silver scales on his body can glow in the same way his eyes do. Typically, he keeps them dull-colored (see above) but if he feels a strong emotion of any sorts they’ll glow brightly without him meaning to (noticeably: they glow constantly whenever Helene is around for obvious reasons~).

[cryptidnamedhabit]

Alright, y'all are getting Bowuigi headcanons whether you like it or not because I'm kinda bored and don't know what else to post...

When they first start dating they keep it secret for obvious reasons

Luigi fell first but Bowser fell HARDER

It didn't take long for Kamek to figure out that there was something going on between those two

When he managed to get Bowser to admit it he acted like a smug bastard tbh

He agreed to keep it from being public knowledge until Peach and Mario knew about it

Oh boy... Peach and Mario's reactions......

Peach was worried and immediately interrogated Luigi and Bowser to ensure they were both in their right minds

After she figured that Bowser was being genuine, she was supportive but very hesitant for obvious reasons

First thing she did was establish ground rules for being in the mushroom kingdom and how being a king and Luigis boyfriend didn't give him a free pass for several things

Bowser reluctantly accepted Peach's terms and conditions

Mario, on the other hand....

To say he didn't support the relationship would be an understatement

He immediately assumed his brother was being used by Bowser for another one of his plots

Then he assumed Luigi was being mind controlled by Kamek (he's just there to enjoy the trainwreck from a safe distance)

Mario immediately stopped himself after he saw Luigis sad face

Mario promised to stop saying bad things about the relationship (in front of luigi, at least)

Mario was pretty much acting like a petty bitch about the whole thing

So much so to the point where Dk (they're boyfriends because I said so) had to step in and explain to Mario that he was being unreasonably bitchy about it

Eventually, Mario had to give in, but on two conditions

Bowser had to take a quiz about Luigi at some point and had to write an entire essay about Luigi (graded by Mario, obviously)

Bowser managed to pass (to Mario's dismay)

Anyway, after that was all settled, they could go back to boyfriend things :]

Luigi found out Bowser could purr after Bowser fell asleep and Luigi gave him chin scritches

Bowser was embarrassed after he woke up and Luigi just wanted him to purr again

Bowser purrs when him and Luigi are alone together :]

Bowser legally cannot be left alone in the Mushroom kingdom without Luigi being in close vicinity to him (yes, this was one of Peach's conditions)

Since Bowser is larger than Luigi, he needs to eat MUCH more food than a normal human being does

So if Luigi wants to make something for Bowser he needs to use like 10x the amount of normal ingredients

*cut to luigi cooking a huge ass amount of pasta in one of those big cooking pots*

Mario: Luigi, didn't you say that you finished cooking the food for the mushroom kingdom food drive?

Luigi: I did, this is just a snack for Bow-

Mario: HOW MUCH FUCKING PASTA DOES ONE TURTLE NEED!?!?!

Bowser is less easy to anger after he starts dating Luigi

Which means a lot because, well, it's BOWSER we're talking about here

The entire Koopa Kingdom warms up to Luigi pretty quickly

Since Bowser is taller he takes bigger steps while walking, which means Luigi pretty much has to speedwalk or lightly jog to keep up with Bowser

Eventually Bowser notices this and just starts carrying Luigi on his shoulder anywhere they go

Sometimes Bowser will slow down his own walking if Luigi doesn't want to be on his shoulder

[sidsinning]

I could write an essay about how much I love my GOAT Toji seriously

Like he represents everything a jujutsu socerer shouldn't be and uses EXACTLY those traits to solo both the socerers and the curses they work so hard to exorcise

The fact that he has NO cursed energy at all, what made him worthless in the Zenin clan's eyes, was exactly what sealed all their fates in losing to him is an INSANE twist to pull

(Yes there's Maki, but she feels more like she's trying to work within the system despite her limits (like the glasses she wears to adapt), unlike Toji who is totally free due to overwhelming raw senses alone)

His introduction opened up a whole new way to see the power system of cursed energy while making complete sense with what has been established, for me at least

(I wasn't super interested in the jjk power system personally until Toji showed how its strengths can be the user's own weaknesses if exploited properly)

He is an iconic infamous stain on both the socerer world inside of JJK and to one of the most important characters which kicked off the whole plot

He EASILY solo'd the world's most powerful socerer at the time- someone who represents everything that is the opposite of himself- with base planning and strategy

Didn't break a sweat the entire time

But despite all this power he has, despite the reputation he has for his strength, despite seemingly killing the world's strongest socerer at the time- the man was a deeply depressed and jobless bum

He is not any happier before or after his assassinations are done

Feels good in the moment then he's back to his life doing nothing but gambling his money away until the next job

This man who has beaten everyone of every age and species now in the series (he said these hands are rated E for everyone) was actually a WIFE GUY

He was living a shitty life in his clan who abused and feared him but found fucking LOVE and turned his ENTIRE life around for ONE PERSON to be a normal man, even having a child with her

And after she dies he spirals into deep depression, to the point he is incapable of being a good father; he knows on some level that his mental state is so bad he couldn't take care of Megumi properly- THAT is how DEEPLY he loved this woman

HE SOLD HIM THO WHICH IS TERRIBLE

BUT AGAIN

Showing how he's shit (making money from it) but also tries in his own way (I'm too mentally fucked up so a proper family should take care of him)

Then just looking into Megumi's eyes during his zombification knocks his consciousness back into himself, showing if there was one thing he truly cared about during his final moments, it was his son

Then sacrificing his life for his son in the end without asking for anything but his name to rest in peace

BUT ALSO HE MURDERS EVERYTHING WITHOUT REMORSE LIKE?

THE JUXTAPOSITION????

Literally kills teenagers and even during his final moments and his comeback he doesn't give a shit

Like he did a crazy anime fight to kill Gojo which was brutal but still a cool magical fight to watch

Then he fucking snipes a teenage girl in the head with a gun

A plain gun

No crazy stunts

No regrets

THE GOAT? 😭

ALSO THE WAY YOU CAN TELL GEGE LOVES HIM LOL

You could easily write his zombie ass out of the Shibuya Incident Arc but the man wanted to draw him again so bad he made room for necromancer granny to kick start the GOAT's return for a hot sec

HIS FIGHTS ARE SO COOL LIKE HE DON'T GOTTA RELY ON ANY SOCERER SHIT JUST HIS HANDS AND AN INVENTORY ON HIS SHOULDER ARE ENOUGH ITS SO RAW THAT HE CAN GO HEAD TO HEAD WITH WIZARDS AS JUST A DUDE AND WIN

[stardust-sunset]

dude i hate the chubby kyle headcanon so much like i really hate it and it’s not because i have anything against chubby headcanons in general (i hc stan, butters, clyde, and sometimes bebe as being chubby) it just does NOT make any sense to me based on his actual character. he’s canonically very athletic. and as for the diabetes thing some of these people actually have no idea how diabetes works. he has TYPE 1 DIABETES and people with t1 diabetes are more often than not thin/underweight because they don’t produce insulin which converts glucose to energy and they can’t regulate blood sugar levels so instead their bodies burn fat and muscle rapidly for energy instead. also overweight people with t1 diabetes are at higher risk of developing serious heart issues and double diabetes, so i don’t think sheila would feed and spoil him to that point. little science lesson for you all. but lately i’m realizing i think the real reason i hate it so much because makes him look like and have the vibes of kyle schwartz who’s entire existence serves as an over the top stereotype meant to be a foil to kyle who is not a stereotype. why is chubby kyle is always fucking portrayed with some gayass sweatervest on. if people really desperately want their chubby, nerdy, IBS-having, sweatervest wearing, investment banker jewish boy kyle s. is RIGHT THERE. there’s also a million other jewish characters in media that are canonically portrayed that way so can we please just have this one. kyle s. even refers to kyle as a redneck jock!! which he isn’t of course but obviously it would seem that way to kyle s, who is everything this fandom tries to force kyle to be. god sorry for ranting, i’m lowkey expecting to get flamed in the notes but we ball

…honestly yeah. me as well.

i’m a bit of a biology nerd myself. it’s a special interest of mine. i have family with diabetes (albeit type 2) and my father is a diabetes specialist. so i believe i’m qualified to talk on behalf of the diabetes aspect. not only does it make more sense for kyle to be underweight but it’s also spreading the false narrative that everyone with diabetes is overweight when that isn’t the case. apologies for the upcoming ramble. but t1 diabetes is typically childhood exclusive. it’s diagnosed at a young age for the most part, especially as seen with kyle. type 1 means that no insulin is formed at all. like…none. like anon said. and don’t think i’m regurgitating what they said. i could literally write up a whole ass essay on how to write kyle’s diabetes and i will if you guys want. i think many people think of type 2 diabetes when writing kyle. the difference between type 1 and type 2 is that people with type 2 diabetes can actually make insulin. but it isn’t enough to fully cancel out the sugar levels in the body. type 2 is also more often than not a somewhat curable disease. you can get rid of type 2 in some cases. you can’t get rid of type 1. and yeah. like anon said. i think sheila cares more about kyle’s health than she does about spoiling him with food.

and yeah. i guess the argument that ‘Ph BuT hEs OnLy 7 lBs lIgHtEr tHaN cArTmAn’ but you can really only say that he’s overweight if you know his height too. they look to be the same height. but you don’t know his exact height therefore you can’t make a case for or against it. like comparing someone who’s 5’6’’ and 120 lbs and someone who’s 5’1’’ and 127 lbs has a BMI difference of more than 6 units. cartman could be shorter. it’s hard to say. but yes. i agree with anon. i hate the chubby kyle headcanon. flame me in the notes. i don’t care. leave anon alone though. shit on my behalf. not theirs.

also yeah . it’s stereotypical as fuck. it’s kinda gross at some point. i agree with anon tho about chubby butters and clyde. maybe stan too because his father insists on feeding him ‘rich kid food’ but yeah. they’re right about kyle s. too. kyle s. is right there. or there’s mort from family guy. go slap your based hdcs on them ig. leave kyle b. out of it. the stereotype that all nerds are chubby and weak is overdone especially when it’s done to the only jewish kid in the show (kyle s doesn’t exist in fanon clearly.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s2 episode 11 thoughts

okay!!!! i've kept you waiting long enough. now let's get into the things i liked about this episode while ignoring the stuff i didn't.

first. mulder walking into his office. and scully sitting there in the dark, watching a tape.

this had me HOWLING. how did she get in there? she keeps a key to his house and his office on hand at all times? the level of casualness with which he turned on the lights only for dana scully to be sitting in his office chair, as if it were the most natural of things in the world, floored me. she made herself welcome. she looks up and says hello.

then we get a little lore break to learn about the case and yeah yeah case stuff hold on. did she just say she got there at 6 am?

yes, you heard me correctly, she made her way into his office at 6 in the morning to watch the video and go through all of the related x files. i think i had tears in my eyes at this point and i definitely do now as i recount it. dana scully you are such a little weirdo and i love you so bad. i hope you enjoyed your time rummaging through his stuff. glad his space has really become yours as well.

and his entire lack of reaction to her being there pushed me even further over the edge. like, sure. at this point in their relationship, why not walk in to see her sitting at your desk and going through all your shit? the level of casual intimacy is at once so fucking funny and so heartwarming.

(a few weeks ago i was chatting with a friend about our top five favorite fictional characters, and i made the argument that scully and mulder ought to count as just one character for the sake of the ranking, because of how entirely they blend into one person. and her just being there when he opens the door- and having been there for hours at that point- really solidifies my reasoning. and i had made that argument BEFORE seeing any of s2, let alone this moment)

the next moment that had me laughing was when they went to the convalescent home (which wasn't a word i was familiar with before all of this) and our poor agents get stuck questioning a 74 year old man during his bath time. i already had a "oh noooo" feeling of dread about the whole situation- for how could the academy prepare them for this? and sure enough, he flashed them.

now, this was, like i mentioned in an earlier post, part of an attempt at social commentary that i could and might write an essay on- but let's set that aside here, and just deal with the fact that our poor agents have been put into such an awkward position, while understanding that the scene is being played for comedic value despite how awful that would be irl. because mulder smiles and says "thanks for sharing", while scully also bites back laughter. their faces at this moment had me laughing. it was such a "fuck my entire life" moment for both of them and i felt that extreme case of tv show-induced secondhand embarrassment.

and i think they handled it quite well!!! have we considered giving them a raise? for having to deal with all the haunted children and now creepy old men? god. their poor eyes. "thanks for sharing" stfu mulder... he cannot act seriously for ONE minute!!!!!!

there was another big ass coats moment when they walked outside and spoke with someone involved in running the program. and you know by now that's catnip to me!!!

one of the old men starts choking to death (he was taking mushroom pills he wasn't supposed to) and scully slips into Doctor Mode and it was deeply satisfying to watch. she starts saying fancy words and calling out for certain medications- "this man's in ventricular fibrillation, i need 75 milligrams of lidocaine and one amp of amphinephrine" and i'm sat there like yes. exactly right!!! she's doing serious doctor business!!!!

(i need to edit this image to make it appropriate for when her doctor mode takes over. because this is what i'm always referencing when i say someone is "shifting into ____ mode" and i don't think i've ever spelled that out before so i should here. have not seen seinfeld just saw this image one day and it permanently altered my vocabulary)

there's another moment where she's having a doctor-off with the dude who worked at the place and she said the line "the clinical benefits are marginal at best" and idk man i just like to see her doing her doctorly thing.

(she also gets very doctorly excited about the idea of there being improvements for incurable conditions such as alzheimer's and it's good to see some joy on her)

next thing that had me laughing:

"are you saying that the building's haunted? because if you are, i think you've been working with me for too long, scully" <- said in a flirtatious manner

don't remember what was going on at this point beyond someone had just fallen to death, but i wrote "another scully serving looks moment in the midst of tragedy" and i stand by it. this is really an epidemic. scully stop working angles in front of the dead... or don't because i'm not actually complaining <3

we also see mulder prowling down a dark and damp hall and cracking open a lock to break into a room. which seemed like a typical activity for a guy like him. literally just a tuesday in his life. he found a bunch of mushrooms and i made a frantic note reading along the lines of DO NOT TOUCH THEM because famously mushrooms WILL kill you but he seemed unharmed. thank god.

he's all, what if the mushrooms are what is helping the patients, and scully delivers this banger line: "mulder, mushrooms aren't medicine. they taste good on hamburgers, but they can't raise the dead"

which is 1. a hilarious fucking line just for its sheer ridiculousness, and 2. a critical insight into how scully orders her burgers... which i WILL be adding to my list of useless character facts

the episode winds down with mulder getting trapped in a room with rapidly rising water and we see the door SLAM right before scully can witness the ghosts tossing things about. and the commitment to that gag of her never actually seeing the paranormal stuff really got me there.

then, the door breaks due to the water, and everyone is soaking wet, which is always a good look.

overall, highlight of this episode to me was by far scully breaking into his office at 6 am. nothing will top that for me in terms of comedic value. it has become Her space now. she has claimed you mulder, there is no going back, you are in far too deep and thank god for that because you freaks deserve each other.

[roxannepolice]

k so i have a screenwriting project for drama, 30 min short film, i have like Some ideas but they're not good. you mention in my notes that in Romanian folk Christianity that God created Satan because he was lonely, that's compelling, could you share more? Could you give me research jumping off points?

Hi, sorry it took me a moment, but, again, craziest week in a while and it's not even because of DW.

But yeah, there appears to be a general idea of some kind of fraternal/co-creative relation between God and Satan in some folk Christian traditions. Arguably it's more the case of older myths getting a Christian makeover (sth sth Odin and Loki being blood brothers). Still, we end up with Satan and God hanging out amicably by the sea while bishops excommunicate each other over whether the Holy Spirit comes directly from the Father through the Son or simply from the Son.

The guy where I got this from was Mircea Eliade and he sort of applies jungian psychoanalysis of collective unconscious to religion. The specific essay is available on Internet Archive (my beloved) on pages 78-124. It's titled Mephistopheles and the Androgyne or mystery of the whole. Just fair warning, Eliade was writing in the first half of the 20th century and some of his vocab may be... not on par with modern sensitivities especially on Tumblr? He's not intentionally insulting or anything, just uses words like "gipsi" or presents male and female as discrete opposites or his information may be more anecdotal than thoroughly researched. So just. fair warning. It's brilliant in terms of finding general stories and their interpretations, so I hope it will be useful.

Some good bits (sorry, no quotes, the pdf is not editable):

Romanians have God and Satan be brothers or Jesus and Satan both be children of God

Ethiopians have a Saint and Devil-Woman be siblings (he ends up praying to Jesus for strength to murder his sister)

Peoples of Altai have God create the Devil by spitting on the Waters after exclaiming "If only I had a brother, I would make the World!". Then Satan suggests they be brothers and create tWorld together, but God answers "We will not be brothers but companions"

Romani of Transylvania have God be "unhappy alone" and admitting They don't know how to create the World, hence creating the Devil

Finnish version has God ask Their reflection in Waters how to create the World

Bulgarians dead ass have God see their shadow and tell it "Get up, comrade!" Satan then asks God to split thr Universe between them

Bottom line: knowing that this is the shit I've been into since I was a teenager, imagine what finding thoschei and especially tensimm did to my brain.

[xcryinginguccix]

Buckle up nerds, today were doing something fun.

Do y'all remember that very tiny game from Bethesda, the one that came out in 2011 called Skyrim?

Well on tonight's episode I'm ranking quests. Not all of them, just the big faction quests. I'm not that insane (yet, it will come eventually).

I can't believe I'm making a Skyrim post in 2024.

Anyways, let's dive in (spoilers ahead)

Number 5: Collage of Winterhold

Well... I have some opinions. It's underwhelming to say the least. I expected to learn some extremely fun spells, schemes, mystery and general feelings of walking into the coolest campus you have ever seen. What we got was... meh.

You could breathe towards Tolfdir and he would still call you the greatest mage in the history of mages. You can find more magic going into a random cave somewhere near Riverwood than you will find AT THE MAGIC SCHOOL. You also, don't learn anything... Or at least anything of value, and then the principal dies and you take his job. You can literally complete this quest with no more than 3 basic spells in your arsenal. Bethesda should fix this quest line instead of re-releasing this game every 6 months to upgrade the visuals of a single tree. Anyways let's go to the next one, this one is just getting me angry.

Number 4: Civil war shenanigans

Stormcloaks

Ahhh civil war. Viva la Revolution... Expect from no.

If 10 year old me was ranking it, it would be much higher (let's just say my tiny brain didn't understand what "Skyrim belongs to the nords" implied). Generally said it's a pretty solid quest. Ulfic sends you to kill some ghost in order to prove yourself, the Whiterun attack is fun, genuinely pushing against Imperial legion by doing some smaller scale attacks is fun, concerning Solitude was great... And you get a pretty funky bear armor. I like funky drip.

Pretty solid but I don't like nationalism sorry. So on the other hand we have...

Imperial legion

... I think this is one of the few games where I agree on pushing against the revolution. Too bad those guys also suck ass... It's like European politics, I'm choosing the lesser evil.

Generally this questline is pretty similar to the previous one, with the exception that you're fighting in some other areas. Defending Whiterun is extremely fun, I love this city so much. All my points from the last one stand, except this quest has worse drip but more enjoyable npcs.

Also lmao Ulfric fucking dies x D

That alone makes it a better branch.

Number 3: Jorrvarskr questlines

Oh yeah, it's lycanthropy time baby.

This questline is fun, so much fun. You get introduced to the gang right outside of Whiterun while they are trying to fight off a giant.

Fun dungeons, fun story, extremely enjoyable npcs. Progressing the companion quests enough will allow you to turn yourself into a werewolf, which is an automatic bonus for me. Going nuts on a random dragon in werewolf form will never stop being funny.

Also you can marry Aela and for that I would french kiss Todd Howard on his corrupt mouth. Live laugh love Jorrvarskr. Solid stuff.

Also if you suddenly decided that you "no no wanna :(" be a werewolf anymore you can heal yourself by... Cutting off a hags head and preforming a cleansing ritual with it.

Yeah no I have no idea how that would work but sure.

Number 2: The dark brotherhood

Words cannot describe how much this questline had me in a chokehold at the ripe age of 10.

This is so so so good. I love egdy shit. This questline starts as a banger from the introduction. I will never forget the feeling of walking into this creepy ass house in Windhelm, and seeing a child doing a ritual.

So much fun stuff right off the gate. I could write an essay about his whole questline. Fun missions, plotting and scheming, funky assassinations that get progressively harder with each contract and the plot twist and the end... Just the right kind of edge I always need. I love it so much.

Each of the members of the dark brotherhood have so much charisma. You get an emo horse, and a wonderful looking armor. Evil twink Cicero forever in my heart.

And finally, creme de la creme... Number 1: Thieves guild

My. Fucking. God.

There is a reason why I choose any type of rogue class anytime I play anything. This whole quest is living rent free in my head.

The introduction, the location, the npcs... The collage of Winterhold WISHES it had an atom of greatness this quest has.

I love everything about this questline, from start to finish. Every time I see Brynjolf in the market of Riften my heart gets filled with genuine happiness. The whole thing with the Nightingales and Mercer and KarIiah. I love how you can bring back the thieves guild to its former glory once again.

Every single npc is fun to talk to. When I say that I remember almost no one from the shitty wizard academy quest, I meant it. This tho, all of them are engraved in my mind.

Also, you can get ultimate drip, which is the Nightingale armor.

Best armor in the game, argue with the wall you cannot change my mind.

God I love thieves. God I love the guild.

Anyways that's all. Someday I will rank all the daedric quests once I'm bored at 4am again (spoiler alert: The mind of madness is in first place). If you want to change my mind... Well you won't bc I played this game since I was a child.

Special thanks to Todd Howard for my gay awakenings: Aela and KarIiah.

[magnetarbeam]

Trying to develop a complex interpretation of Ahsoka can be a real bitch sometimes, especially when I'm so ADHD I can rarely even watch a show, let alone analyze data from it.

I'm trying to let go of the perception of her as somehow being a perfect Jedi, that as far as I can tell arose post-TCW. She is an inherently selfless and compassionate individual, and she was brought up with the lessons of any Temple-raised Jedi, but her entire apprenticeship was spent as a soldier. Sure, Jedi aren't supposed to be that, but I really imagine that that's less important to her than the fact that Jedi are that now. It's not long before she's putting everything she has and more into fighting because if she doesn't, it'll mean people die that she could have saved. Especially for the clones, since almost nobody other than the Jedi will put in any amount of effort to save them.

(When I talk in this context about whether or not she's a good Jedi, I'm trying to do so in the context of how it's defined at the time, instead of the philosophy of the ass-end-of-Legends New Jedi Order that I often write her in in time travel scenarios. Her relation to that is a whole separate essay.)

Coming of age in this environment limits the amount of stuff she's able to learn about the role that Jedi are supposed to have. She's less of a negotiator because that skill is in a lot less demand than it was five years ago.

And she's good at fighting. For all that I hate the extent the show goes to display it (I'm not even gonna get into all the levels of bullshit the Marg Sabl thing is) the point is that she is naturally talented as a fighter and a tactician. I think this feeds into one of her major flaws: Her pride.

Losing her squadron over Ryloth is a failure that I used to dismiss as just a natural result of a teenager being shoved into a military command position with no training at all. And sure, it might not have happened if she had been trained, but the point lies in the fact that she thought she could complete the objective herself. There are a few layers to this, I think.

My specific headcanon is that Ahsoka had the top saber combat scores of initiates for three years before the war. She learned from the best pilots in the Order in Anakin and Plo. You also could throw in something about her having killed an akul and taken its teeth for her headdress, proving herself as an adult by Togruta customs, at an exceptionally young age. The effect is that at this point, she's let her skills go to her head, and she assumes she can do it instead of actually thinking it through.

(Had she been trained, I think she'd at least have remembered that she's in an interceptor with no missiles, and that even a heavy bomber like a Y-Wing doesn't try to 1v1 a frigate, let alone a Lucrehulk.)

When she first met Anakin, he initially rejected her, and I think that left her with a fear of disappointing him that she never totally got over. She feels like she needs to constantly prove that she's good enough for him, that she won't just slow him down. The canon from the Jedi Apprentice novels about aging out of the Temple and stuff is... very questionable at best in its logic, especially considering how the TCW movie frames it as Ahsoka probably being actually too young to be a padawan, but I like to use it in my headcanon because it implies that her assignment to Anakin was basically Ahsoka's last hope for being a Jedi, and that further punctuates this fear of rejection and also emphasizes their similarities in terms of both being reckless and aggressive and insolent and the kind of traits that probably make the Order see them both as disasters just waiting to happen.

Obviously Ryloth is a pretty big slap in the face for her, and she does get more reasoned and careful in her approach as time goes on (compare her first and second times on Felucia, for example) but that kind of... self-obsession, I guess, never totally goes away.

The way the GAR is structured doesn't help here, where she's often the only Jedi around to block blaster bolts and make decisions that actually minimize casualties.

Later on, it's less "I won't fail because I haven't failed before" and more "I'll do it because I have to do it to save lives, and I'm the only person who can and will do it." This is even more of a thing when she's fighting to depose Maul. The Mandos (Bo-Katan in disney canon or Spar in my more Legends headcanons) need a Force-user to fight a Force-user, and who knows when or if the broken Senate and Order are going to decide to do anything about it.

Where someone like Obi-Wan might have tried to reason with Maul first, Ahsoka sees that Maul's already done the stuff he has, concludes that he's beyond reasoning, and doesn't give away her position to try to talk him down.

I'm sure I'll come up with more to say here, but I've been typing for like an hour and a half and my attention has moved on.

[astriwilt]

So I’m rewatching The Sopranos for the third time and omg Caitlin deserved so much better. She was struggling with bad mental health issues and everyone treated her like shit.

ESPECIALLY FUCKING NOAH. MAN’S FATHER GOT A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST CAITLIN BECAUSE NOAH GOT A C AND NOAH THINKS THAT WAS A REASONABLE COURSE OF ACTION. NOAH YOU COULD HAVE TOLD HER TO LEAVE.

Now I can’t talk about Noah without mentioning Tony’s racism. Tony is a racist piece of shit and judged Noah based on his race instead of his character. That part has been analyzed to death though and everyone knows Tony is a raging racist asshole. What I wanna talk about is Noah’s character; which is what he should be judged on and not the color of his skin.

NOAH FUCKING SUCKS.

But in all seriousness; besides showing the audience how deep rooted Tony’s racism is….I think Noah served another purpose. To show the audience half assed “love and understanding” if that makes sense. I’ll explain it better: the first scene we see after Noah and Caitlin are in the same room; Noah is alone with Meadow and is talking to her about how they should just be patient with Caitlin. She’s far away from home and has obvious mental health problems. Meadow even comments about how caring and understanding Noah is and how “most guys wouldn’t even give a shit”. Then later Caitlin comes to talk to Noah while he’s studying. Noah lets her in; and then Caitlin talks so much that Noah can’t concentrate and gets a C on his assignment. Does Noah have the right to be mad? Yes. But should he also understand that Caitlin is literally mentally ill and that he was the one who let her in? Yes. Instead of being bitter about it for a bit he decides that his father’s restraining order is an appropriate response and bashes Caitlin for always intruding on him and Meadow. So kids, what does this say about Noah? It says he only cares when it’s convenient. He only cares until he sees how bad mental illness can be. Meadow has this problem as well; she was an absolute bitch to Caitlin at times…but at least with Meadow there was still some real concern there instead of virtue signaling. Noah’s character is a great example of how people treat mental illness. They’re all for supporting people going through it until they truly see the ugly side of it…..the illness part. If you’ve watched The Sopranos and seen how Noah acts then you know DAMN WELL this guy would say something like “We should do everything we can to help people struggling with mental illness 😢” if he was asked about the topic. But as soon as it affects him in the slightest way it’s a different story.

So is it unreasonable for me to write a whole essay about a guy who was kind of an asshole in a show about murderers and gang members? Yes, it absolutely is. But also people tend to be pissed off easier by a fictional character they’re more likely to meet in real life than ones they aren’t. I’ve met a lot of Noahs but I haven’t met many mafia members LMAO. Also for all the theatric anger in this post….the point of this post was to applaud The Sopranos here. Like I said before it’s an amazingly accurate representation of how people are mental health allies until they actually see how mental illness works. It was just so beautifully accurate and beautifully portrayed. So with that all being said:

[tallulah477]

Hi tallie!

I have a few questions-

So I'm thinking of writing a Lyle wainfleet x miles quaritch x oc multiple chapter story-

So the little plot i have is after the sea dragon sinks and miles and lyle make it out alive, they make it to land, meet my oc, and she teaches them the na'vi ways and everything-

So do you have any tips on making a good mauti chaptered work?

Also any tips on a three way sex scene?

I hope this isn't to much to ask for!😅

Thank you! 💕

Roomie, I'm sooooo here for this story already OMG

Also, you could never ask for too much - I'm always here to help and my DMs are always open too 🧡 I just hope my essay of a response isn't too much LMAO

I honestly can't say I have that much experience writing multi chaptered works so idk how helpful I can really be, but usually for my works I try not to go in blind because I can write myself into a corner like that. Sometimes, I can have a vague idea and it drives itself. But most of the time I need to have an outline to follow, even if I end up deviating from it eventually. And I would def suggest an outline for a multi chapter fic.

But my brain is so messy and so are my outlines lmao so idk if you're an organized person or not, but your outline totally doesn't have to be if you don't want it to be. I would say, whatever you can think of in that moment, write it down. Literally whatever pops into your head - whether it's a scene, a specific detail you wanna remember to mention, a line of dialogue, an entire conversation. Sometimes I end up writing whole ass scenes in my outline and then just copy and paste it into the doc and edit it 😂

I would suggest outlining what you want to happen in each part, specifically how you want it to start and where you want each chapter to end so you know exactly where you're trying to get to with each chapter. Are we ending on a cliffhanger, or a point of relief after a tense scene? It also helps with not rushing through/dragging the fic too much, I think.

If you don't mind me getting specific with your idea, I'd love to see how messed up Lyle and Miles are after the battle on the sea dragon. Their entire team just died (again) and they barely made it out with their lives themselves. I'm not 100% sure about Lyle cause we don't really get too close him during the movies, but I know Miles is going to have some raging emotions to get through because Spider chose the Sullys over him and left him there alone (if you decide to keep it canon like that). So I think that would be really fun to explore.

Then you can introduce your OC and go through whatever tension there's going to be between the recoms and her/her clan cause I doubt either one is going to trust each other right away so there might be some (or a lot) of hostility. Either way, it would be really fun to see how their feelings and emotions evolve on both sides, but especially for Lyle and Miles as they switch from their human marine conditioning to learning and appreciating the Na'vi way of life. It would def be a different learning experience from what we see in the first movie with Jake because even though Jake was also human/marine, he was wayyyyy more open to everything Na'vi than the recoms.

That's just my thoughts anyway - obviously everything is up to you! Honestly, you have a fantastic plot and there's so many directions you can go with this, so this is a great concept for a multi chapter fic.

TLDR: Outlines and details are your best friend 😂

For threesomes, I really try to keep the focus fairly equal between everyone. It's a little jarring sometimes when a character is completely forgotten about and then all of a sudden is there again, so try to go back and forth as best as you can to make sure no one is left out. So if you're OC is riding Lyle and thinking about how big his cock is inside of her, make sure she also feels Miles biting her shoulder from behind or pulling her head back to kiss her just so he's not just standing there like🧍‍♂️

Don't be afraid to use names either. Best to overuse than for your readers to get lost with who is who, imo.

Although eventually OC may be too overwhelmed and lost in sensations and might not know who's hand is who's and who's cock is pressing where but she doesn't care cause she needs to cum right now

Depending on how you wanna do your threesome too depends on how you set everything up cause they can be more like a train where one person mainly fucks OC while the other is just the helper and then vice versa, or you can do double penetration where they both have their own hole at the same time (or the same hole if you're feeling a little crazy lol)

This is so long, I'm so sorry LMAO

[silver-wield]

I want to wash my eyes, today I saw for the first time the indoctrination files c/rith gives to their audiences. I saw a new player waving it around as proof. Selected ultimania quotes and of course, essays. I like how they write down ways to argue with clotis and zeriths. Such as, "if they say C isn't himself as soldier C, tell them A is the only one who can bring out the "real" him as shown in part 1". They keep repeating the "real" part again and again and trying to emphasize the appeal of the crackship which is ~healing~

No wonder they thrown toriyama away for directly stating C only shows his real self with T ONLY and unlike them I'm not going to put " marks on the word real. And no wonder they hate T with a burning passion because she actually does heal him.

If they include AC and say she heals there? First, C's ultimately the one who forgave himself of his guilt, let's not forget that because they like to erase that part and that everyone, T, A, and Z are part of that process of reminding him that it has to be him. And geostigma is her direct responsibility as a steward of the planet nothing singled out there.

They like to manipulate and rely on the player's laziness to look for information (what are they? Fucking Jenova?). Even to give ways to "fight" back. No wonder they all sound the same. Ugh I just realized the existence of LTD and ship wars in FF7 is giving the illusion that nothing is canon even if CT have more sources than any other ship in FF franchise. It gas lights them into thinking nothing is canon even if it's quite literally right in their faces.

P.S. I fcking hate with a burning passion how anybody gives interpretation essays as proof. Or media tropes and fan service as proof of canon. No wonder sometimes I see some former C/As getting angry at their creators because what they have are only interpretation instead of in game content.

Yeah they all have this weird shared doc they use to argue from that's basically just more lies and bullshit because it's all incorrect info and shit translations they skewed in their favour.

At no point does it say anywhere that aeri brings out Cloud's real self.

It's this quote they lie about. They claim Cloud being "conscious" is him being his real self while Tifa wants a soldier or whatever garbage they make up to ignore the proper text.

I could go into a whole thing over AC using the script and ultis to show what those idiots claim is total bullshit, but the short version is Aerith didn't do fuck all except trigger Cloud's trauma. She wasn't actually present for most of the film, even in the scenes she's shown in, and she didn't cure geostigma.

Ideky the devs put those stupid ribbons on everyone for someone they knew for three weeks two years previously. It makes no fucking sense to be mourning still.

I really want a rewrite of AC. It needs fixing so badly.

I'm honestly so tired of people acting like Aerith is bigger than god and nobody's allowed to say anything bad about her. She's not even a good character. She's selfish, spoiled, her job role in battle can literally be taken by every other character, she doesn't listen to anyone, whines, acts like she's the leader and everyone should do what she says because she exists, she harasses Cloud in ways that are so not ok but because she's a girl and "cute" she's somehow exempt from consequences, and people constantly put their feelings on her feelings alone on Cloud and turn him into a two timing pos douchebag because they and she refuse to fucking listen to the literal protagonist.

I'm actually annoyed we're stuck with her for the entirety of Rebirth. I was hoping we'd get rid of her halfway through at the most, but nauuu we get 40hrs of stupid ass sidequests that include flower picking because the devs think that's good content and one way or another they will make us put up with her.

Well, I ain't putting her in my party and I ain't doing her shitty sidequests, and lucky me, idgaf about trophies so it won't even matter that I don't platinum the game 🤷

[snotsloth]

So, I got into a discussion with someone on the NaNo forums about pacing in a novel and what I learned about it during my English degree. Being a normal person who knows how to write a reasonable response to a simple question, I wrote this whole ass essay about how to speed up or slow down the pacing in a story. Then I realized what I had written was actually pretty decent advice, so now y'all also have to put up with me rambling about narrative pacing. You're welcome/I'm sorry.

Slowing down a Plot

Easiest way to slow down a story? Have your characters slow down. Take a breather. Maybe someone is injured. Maybe they have to wait on something else to happen before they take action. Maybe they just need a cup of coffee. Giving your characters a moment to step away from the plot and reflect can give your readers a bit of breathing space as well.

A great example of this comes to mind from Pride and Prejudice. Elizabeth goes on vacation with some relatives. It gets her away from the chaos of her family and all the drama and she has a chance to really think about everything that’s gone on with Mr. Darcy. This of course ultimately leads to her relatives asking if she would like to tour his estate, not knowing that this was the wealthy man whose proposal she had recently rejected. But the beginning of the trip feels like a little intermission where she has a chance to breathe and recenter herself.

On a smaller scale, elements like setting descriptions, inner monologues, exposition, or dialogue that is more focused on characters’ feelings vs. the mechanics of the plot can also slow down your story and give it room to breathe. I think back fondly to those long overwrought descriptions of feasts in the Redwall books from when I was a kid. They didn’t have much if anything to do with the plot usually, but they were fun, loving descriptions of food, merriment, and characters having a little time to show their lighter sides. But boy howdy did they go on forever and slow the pace of the story down!

Another more highbrow example of slowing the pacing would be soliloquies in Shakespearean drama. I’m thinking of Hamlet in particular. In the middle of all the chaos, political machinations, and personal strife, it’s easy to lose the thread of the plot if you’re not careful. You find yourself wondering, what on earth is this all for, what is going on in this man’s head? And then he steps out on stage alone and just tells you exactly what is going through his head (or is he?). Either way, Hamlet’s soliloquies throughout the play function as way-points, slowing everything down and giving both Hamlet and us a few minutes to think about what’s going on and why. Your characters’ inner monologues or conversations with others can be used to similar effect.

Speeding Up a Plot

Honestly, I still find this harder to do than the reverse, especially in a first draft like most of us are working on this month. However, there are also some basics you can think through if you feel like your story is dragging.

The first rule for speeding up a plot is the oft repeated -and oft hated- adage, “Murder your darlings.” Speeding up a plot often requires cutting the parts of your manuscript that you spent the most time on; backstory, world-building, extraneous dialogue about feelings that doesn’t move the plot forward, etc. Get rid of any passages that are standing between your reader and the plot that aren’t necessary to understanding said plot. I remember reading somewhere that, “Your readers don’t care about the coinage system in your fantasy world, but they do care that your characters don’t have enough money to bribe the guards to get into the city.” Or something to that effect. Basically, only explain what you need to and move on.

Along those lines, I’ll repeat another writing advice cliche, “Show. Don’t tell.” If there’s a way to explain something through the action of your story, do it that way. For example, I could write, “Amelia felt sad because she missed her dog.” Or I could write, “No click of claws across the tile greeted Amelia as she walked through the door.” Even though the second sentence is technically longer, it demonstrates Amelia’s feelings through the action of the story. This keeps the pace up and active, instead of passive and turned inward.

When all else fails, especially in a first draft, just skip over sections that are not integral to the plot. Just stick a note in brackets or something else that says, “idk they went and had dinner then came back.” Maybe you’ll write a dinner scene later if you decide it feels right, or you may just mention they had dinner and then get right back to whatever is more important to the story.

When to Focus on Pacing

Ultimately, pacing can be hard to get right on a first pass, so don’t get discouraged if it feels like your novel is dragging or if it’s moving too swiftly this early in the process. You can always circle back later. Plus, you won’t get a good feel for the overall pacing of your story until you have an entire first draft in front of you.

However there is one thing to be careful of while writing a first draft, and that is letting yourself get too bogged down in the details and losing interest in your own story. If that starts to happen, take a break from the current passage you’re writing and just go write a scene later in the story that excites you more. You can always figure out the connective tissue later.

Pacing can be a really subjective thing and hard to get a feel for, but reading a wide variety of books, trying different types of native styles, and doing multiple drafts of your own story will help you get a feel for what works best for you. The most important thing is to keep working at it and keep trying new things until you find something that works for you. Thank you for reading this giant spontaneous essay, and best of luck this month!

[tradingmaps]

The Paris Review Guide to Becoming a Well-Read, Cultured, and Critically Thinking Person

Dear _________,  What kind of soulless freak could fail to answer your call? Your intelligence glows through your professed ignorance (as does the authenticity of “a very specific religious cult”). That sounds like an educationally less-than-ideal but, in other ways, fascinating childhood. My only piece of advice before recommending some titles would be: don’t fall for the inferiority/superiority racket. We’re not on a ladder here. We’re on a web. Right now you’re experiencing a desire to become more aware of and sensitive to its other strands. That feeling you’re having is culture. Whatever feeds that, go with it. And never forget that well-educated people pretend to know on average at least two-thirds more books than they’ve actually read.

A place to start is with Guy Davenport’s nonfiction collections, Every Force Evolves a Form, The Geography of the Imagination, and The Hunter Gracchus (with more pieces in The Death of Picasso). You’ll learn an enormous amount from these essays and sketches, but almost without realizing, because they give off the pleasure of great stories. Read the title essay in The Hunter Gracchus (about Kafka and the way symbols can take on a life of their own), and see if it isn’t as stimulating and creepy as the last good movie you saw.

Come up with a system of note-taking that you can use in your reading. It’s okay if it evolves. You can write in the margins, or keep a reading notebook (my preference) where you transcribe passages you like, with your own observations, and mark down the names of other, unfamiliar writers, books you’ve seen mentioned (Guy D. alone will give you a notebook full of these). Follow those notes to decide your next reading. That’s how you’ll create your own interior library. Now do that for the rest of your life and die knowing you’re still massively ignorant. (I wouldn’t trade it!)

Read My Ántonia, and then read everything else by Willa Cather. Inside her novels you’ll find it impossible to doubt that high enjoyment and extreme depth can go together. The most difficult art.

Read Isak Dinesen’s Seven Gothic Tales. I’m saying that randomly, because it seems right, and to approve the spirit of randomness.

If you get into a writer, go all the way and check out everything he/she has written. This summer I fell into a Defoe hole. Started with the major stuff, the best novels and the good journalism, and then read everything down to the poems and the tedious political pamphlets, since by that point I was equally interested in him as a human being and wanted to have as accurate a map of the inside of his brain as possible. His is one of the minds that helped shape the modern world—we’re literally still telling his stories—so there’s a vital interest. I read Maximilian Novak’s super-solid biography of him, Master of Fictions. That sort of questy reading ends up enriching your experience of each individual book and piece, and it lends a sense of adventure to the whole business, which after all involves a lot of lying down or sitting on your ass.

Borges and Denis Johnson—anything by either. Edith Wharton’s story “The Young Gentlemen.” (Random, random.) Robert Penn Warren’s All the King’s Men, and then his poems if you’re feeling spry. Find on the Web and buy an old paperback copy of the Robert Penn Warren and Albert Erskine–edited anthology Six Centuries of Great Poetry (a book for life). Read the next two things I’m going to read and then see how you like them: Grant’s Memoirs and Karl Ove Knausgaard’s My Struggle. Read Nabokov’s Speak, Memory and Joan Didion’s Slouching Towards Bethlehem.

Books that got me kick-started were the great modernist biographies, especially Hugh Kenner’s The Pound Era and Richard Ellmann’s life of James Joyce. Read those two books and you’ll have a decent-size grid on which to plot the rest of your reading. I’m somehow moved to spurt out, Stephen Greenblatt’s Will in the World. People have been writing about Shakespeare for half a millennium, and the very best of it just happened.

Ignore all of this and read the next cool-looking book you see lying around. It’s not the where-you-start so much as the that-you-don’t-stop. I was reading Phoenix Force novels until I was like thirteen. These days a lot of people I know are into Murakami. I should have said more novels. If it’s by a Russian, read it.

[lttcto]

THEM

[bugaboooooooooo]

I havent seen anybody talk about Gabriels new suit yet, so i took this as an opportunity to write a whole ass essay about it. enjoy lmao

You could argue that the whole suit and stuff is all just for the promo for the alias rings but honestly i dont think so bc i feel like it symbolizes SO MUCH.

First off, it makes a huge point to show that Adrien and Gabriel are complete opposites now. bc now hes the opposite of Chat Noir, hes completely in white as opposed to Chat who's in black.

He also perfectly resembles Chat Blanc now (not only are they both completely white, the only colour present is blue and its in their eyes). I think this is to show that hes going to sort of become like Chat Blanc: evolution already showed us that hes descending into madness; hes destroyed any chance to save Emilie without the miraculous by not choosing either Nathalie or Emilie, just like how Chat Blanc destroyed the world by not being able to choose Ladybug or his father, and there are probably much more parallels that I can't think of rn.

What i also noticed is that the model for gabriels suit isnt the same as his old one. its very similar, but there are some differences:

The collar is way higher and tighter than before;

The buttons are missing;

His pants are way tighter that originally: they used to slack a bit at his ankles, but now theyre skin tight;

No shoelaces.

I think the collar change shows that the new powers etc are choking him, or at least that theyre making him weaker. They also give off a more formal, strict vibe.

The lack of buttons show that hes dug himself too deep into the mess hes created; theres no way out, hes trapped in this mess.

I think the pants symbolize how gabriel feels like theres no room for error, everything must be perfectly alligned, and, like the collar, it gives off big bad formal corporation vibes.

The lack of shoelaces, like the buttons, symbolize that Gabriel has no way out.

He also has gloves on, which is interesting. I feel like gloves are usually used to show that a character is hiding something, like with Elsa and Hans in Frozen.

He also has different glasses on, the cut at the back of his jacket is different from his og model and it looks like the jacket is differently structured (theres a seam right above his shoulder blades) :

I honestly dont know what to do with that, but its worth noting.

(I know that the seam is used to make a jacket more form fitting, so I guess that falls in line with what the rest of the changes told us but idk abt the rest)

Edit: someone pointed out that the seam is probably the back of the suits lapel, thank you for letting me know!!

Whats also VERY interesting is the fact that he looks alot like how he did in the concept art:

Whats even more interesting is that originally, Hawkmoth wasnt going to be a stand-alone figure; there was supposed to be a whole evil corporation that Gabriel was the head of.

And now, in canon, we see Gabriel teaming up with Tomoe, and its implied that she is (at least partially) aware of what Gabriel is doing. Together with the whole creepy party in the Gabriel Agreste ep and the scene in Feast where Audrey Bourgeious' and Tomoe's reactions where shown to the reveal of Feast, they could be hints as to whats going to come.

tl;dr: I think the new suit puts Gabriel and Adrien even more opposite of each other, shows the parallels between Chat Blanc and Gabriel, reflects Gabriel and the position he's in now better, and hints at a change in how hes going to operate as Hawkmoth (that he's going to form an organisation)

[formulinos]

Hyperfixation Corner | On the Grid: 2022 French Grand Prix

Yes, the rumours are true. I went to a Formula 1 race for the first time and nothing like the (possibly) last French Grand Prix, at Circuit Paul Ricard, to pop my cherry. Naturally, I had to write a whole ass essay for this Experiénce™ to give you guys a bit of insight about my first time, so if you want to partake in my three day vacation at the south of France, featuring a bit of sightseeing and a lot of car-watching, join me after the cut! 

prologue: how did i land at paul ricard

friday: free practicing my tourist skills

saturday: fan forum of hell

sunday: scenes at the race

epilogue: a few final thots

prologue: how did i land at paul ricard

First of all, to put things into context, I wanted to tell you a bit about the chain of events that led me to the GP. I left my home country (BRASIL PENTACAMPEÃO 🇧🇷 🇧🇷 🇧🇷 🇧🇷 🇧🇷) last year to study in Paris, where I will be until 2023. It's been definitely one of the times of my life and I try to stay positive and look at the opportunities I get to have here. In all these years I have been a F1 fan, I have never been able to afford tickets to Interlagos, and I'm not kidding. It's not that my family is broke, but we're also completely unable to afford three tickets, accomodation, plane tickets and other expenses in a way that will see us last the weekend alive. And if I look at it from a solo perspective, I never had the company to go with me besides my family and, to be fair, I'd love to go with them since they never went either, they taught me everything I know about the sport and they dream of attending one day. 

note: luckily I have two homegirls now who would love to go to a GP with me, so maybe in 2023 I'll tag along with them! still hope to drag mom and aunt with me tho :)

Anyway, the point is that being in Europe, I have the money to spare from the savings we had for me to come here + the internship I've been doing for the past months. Plus, I'm alone here and will be for a good while, so I only account for myself and I'm not sucking money out of my family's finances. Another advantage is that travelling between countries here manages to be easier than travelling inside Brazil, so it doesn't really matter what was the destination as long as I could manage to land some tickets.... so of course I bought tickets for Monza in the first available opportunity.

I had looked up tickets for both France and Monaco before, but both of those started selling before I got the internship and were in theory sold out, while Monza started selling after I had the internship. Actually, scratch that, France had an offer going on for a one-day ticket + train from Paris to the circuit combo that sounded absurd from the point of view of someone who suffers from fibromyalgia and expensive from the point of view of a foreign student, so I tapped out of that one. However, imagine my surprise when I received an email from the organisers, offering me a lifeline in the form of a lanky french driver that looks like that one character from that one cartoon movie I forgot. The one where they go down the drain. You know the one.

Esteban Ocon, I wish I could kiss you. In fact, I probably could have if I had stayed later on Saturday, but more on that later. Point is I never pulled my wallet so fast and typed the wacky numbers in my card online since that one time I really wanted to get the Rose Gold Princess Peach skin on Mario Kart Online - and I didn't get it. But I did get the tickets, paid in 3x because no way I could do it all in one go. It was the end of the month after all.

Anyway, from that point onwards, I started planning the logistics. I had gotten tickets for Saturday and Sunday only, since I can't get full vacations at the moment as an intern, I would only be allowed 2 days off for each month I work. I booked those so that I could arrive on Friday at wherever I would stay, get my stuff ready for the GP, and go back home on Monday without much of a hurry to work. 

Once that was established, I needed to know where I would stay, and there were a few options of cities to stay with buses/trains to the circuit, like Marseille, Toulon and La Ciotat, but I landed in Aix-En-Provence. Lovely place, I chose it there because I had been there before last November and so I already knew how the town worked and how to get there. Therefore, I booked myself both train tickets to Aix and the Express GP bus tickets that took me from the bus station to the circuit and vice-versa. From this, I booked myself an AirBnb just 5 minutes away from the station so that I didn't have to walk much longer after getting back late at night if it was the case and voilà! All good to go, it was time to race.

friday: free practicing my tourist skills

There is something I didn't tell you about the Provence, but that you might have heard about. They have big fuckoff lavender fields you have only dreamt of. It's some White Girl Pinterest Aesthetic Moodboard shit. Since I discovered the benefits of essential oil aromatherapy in 2020, I became a certified lavender lover, and even got a few friends hooked on it as well, so visiting the fields became something to check off my list in France. 

As the slogan for the Grand Prix said, it was Le Summer Race after all, specifically at the time where the lavenders bloom - they usually are the pretty lilac flowers we know between June and August, when they get harvested. After that the fields get all cut up and the process of growth starts again. While Aix-En-Provence isn't the hot spot for them, since the big fields are in like, Luberon and Valensole Plateau, they have a lot of lavender products available in their shops and, as I discovered online, a small field in a Maison de Lavande called Terre Ugo. Since I couldn't possibly take a day tour to Luberon as I had to get ready for the GP, I decided to reschedule my tickets for 6 am (ha) so that I could visit the Maison in the morning before shopping for groceries and checking in the Airbeebee. Great plan.

I took my ass to the Gare de Lyon, a railway station in Paris where I'd take a 3-hour high speed train to Aix-En-Provence. Left the house in black pitch darkness at 5:00 am after zero sleep (I had a rough week) but I enjoyed the way. I really think Paris is at it's best when there are no Parisians out. We're safe <3

A bit of Gare de Lyon and the time I left. So extra lmao.

The trip went super well, I managed to get an hour of sleep without getting my contact lenses stuck in my eyes, so I call it a W. The way was super pretty as well as I got to see the morning rise and some cute sunflower fields.

The Aix-En-Provence train station is actually roughly 13 km away from downtown, so I took a bus to get to Aix properly. By that point it was already over 28 ºC, but I'm from Rio so of course I spent 30 minutes waiting for another bus, this time the one that would take me to the lavenders and boy..... was I satisfied.

The place smelled SO FUCKING GOOD. Aromatherapists were right, I just took some breath in and I felt the anxiety coming out. The place was pretty nicely set up, as you took a stroll there were plaques explaining the importance of the bugs that you would see around and a bit of the history of lavender, and they kept some chairs and pillows around in case you want to sit down and maybe even have a picnic! Since I had a bit of time to spare, I got myself under a tent and just took the beauty in. A friend of mine said that they weren't in full bloom and it was probably because of the extra heat in summer this year that didn't allow them to grow properly, so I think Seb is right in being annoying about climate change. 

Right after that, I got back downtown to eat literally any-fucking-where that had an AC on (something rare here in France). Ate a salad because it was too hot to even consider something else, had a very nice, very cold Coca-Cola and then forced myself to have milkshake for dessert just so I could kill another half hour. Once that was done, I went to a supermarket to buy myself some water and food for the GP the next days since I wasn't feeling like spending my time in long queues for those items. Also took a chance and bought a sharpie just in case I managed to get some autographs. More on that later, also.

Cool. Checked in the Airbnb and I'm still not sure whether it was a good place or not. It was super well located and the sofa-bed was comfy, the kitchen was brand new, but the bathroom smelled of mold, the elevator wasn't working and there was no wi-fi, which would have been acceptable if the 4G worked there. But a highlight goes to the nearly broken toilet with THIS lid:

Of course, my first visit to the supermarket was a flop because I actually bought surprisingly little food, and it was only after a nice conversation with @baku2017​ that I realised I had to get myself some proper sandwiches, so I bolted to the closest supermarket before it closed to get that and some more water. In my defence, I was completely full after eating and it was super hot, so I couldn't even consider what would hungry me be like. Food obtained, it was time to sleep and get ready for an early rise.

saturday: fan forum of hell

Not sleeping the day before ended up being great for me because I slept like a lamb drunk on beer from Friday to Saturday and I legit felt like an anime princess when I woke up. My process for both Saturday and Sunday were the same: I had the bags practically setup (only missing the water that was on the refrigerator and the fruits and sandwiches I got wrapped in the morning) and my clothes for the day were also set aside, so I'd literally just wake up, get the food done, have breakfast, shower, put clothes on, put the packages inside the bag and head to the bus station that was just 5 min away from my place. Well, I did wake up an extra half an hour early on Saturday to get my makeup ready 🤡 🤡 🤡 

i really thought Mick would sweep me away from my feet right then and there smh

Now, I have to be honest with you: I don't do traffic. I just can't, not ever since I peed my pants on the way to the beach because we were 4 hours completely stopped. It's not like there were bushes anywhere close, if I went out to pee everyone would have seen, so it got to a point where it hurt so bad my body overwrote my power of will and I pissed myself inside my godfather's car. I am firmly determined to never go through that again so I had to make sure I would get on the first bus available of the day to go to the circuit, which meant being at the station 6:30am to leave 7am.

French organisation said there would be one depart every 5 minutes from 7 to 10. In reality, what they meant was one every half an hour from 7 to 9:30 am, except on Sunday, which is when you really need the buses. In this case, it would be one every half an hour from 7:30 to 9 am. Didn't matter much to me since I was there from the get go for the first bus, but I imagine how pissed some people must have been. Bus tickets were 25 euros per day (round trip), which is cheaper than a taxi or uber there and much more guaranteed not to be in traffic, so I felt confident in my bladder to make it dry to the GP. Besides that, the seats were super comfy and there were plug outlets for phone charging and AC, which in Saturday's weather (hottest day of the weekend) was very appreciated.

bus stop, bus and the view to the gp. not a bad way to spend early morning!

After a little over an hour and no peeing, I got to the Circuit! The gate where the bus stopped at was at the same side of both my tribune and the Fan Zone, which made my walking much better. Here's a very blurry picture of the path I drew to my friends from the shitty map that was in the ticket pdf (red zone behind the main straight was the fan zone and the grey area is the bus stop). Overall, I think it took me like 15 minutes to go from one point to the other. Oh, and my tribune was in the orange zone (Virage du Pont ftw!)

As I walked to the Fan Zone, I saw a lot of stands selling team merch and food/beverages. Some of the food choices were very bold, like a whole stand of fried stuff is really for those who trust their digestive system and that don't suffer from reflux. I shuddered. But the real interesting stuff, I thought, was Village Sud, that tried to emulate the charm of the cute streets of the Provence. Tried.

clown of the year award goes to the guy who came up with the idea to add an army enlistment booth to the village. 

these were some papier maché heads that are a tradition in the carnivals of the south of france. they did some of the drivers which were creepy but the intention was nice. i still don't know if the first head is supposed to be charles or lando.

My goal for the day was to try and get a few autographs for both me and my friends in the Fan Forum. I personally wanted Seb, Fernando, Mick, Charles and Carlos, while the laid ease wanted Zhou, Yuki, Lance and Daniel. So, I knew it was key to get there as early as possible so I could stay the closest to the rail and hope for the best. Of course it wasn't enough as some lunatics were there since 7 am, but I was still close enough to try. At the very least, close enough to look at them.

The original schedule had two Fan Forums, one in the morning (9h30 to 10h30) and one after quali (19h to 20h). So, naturally, they did two in the morning (10h10 and 11h40) and another after quali (19h to 19h30). This probably had to do with the fact that Haas and Ferrari, which were slotted for post-quali appearances ended up actually being the first teams to show up. So, our lineup for the morning was: Haas, Ferrari, Mercedes, Red Bull, W*lliams, McLaren and Alpine. A girl grabbed my hat to try to get some autographs, but it was practically impossible with all the front row competition, so I honestly just considered it fun to be there, listen to the drivers and feel the ambiance (great mood all around in spite of the heat!). Here are some screenshots of the videos I made:

sir lewis (george came right after, they did their interviews separated somehow), mick (kmag was there, just a bad angle), SCUDERIA FERRARI, red bull, alpine and mclaren

My personal highlights are: 

- Haas: Mick hearing the french crowd scream "PARLEZ FRANÇAIS" and then doing a good chunk of his interview in french just for us. Crowd went wild, panties went wet - Ferrari: EVERYTHING. Crowd went crazy everytime Charles talked and cheered him like insane, people started cheering Carlos up when he said he felt Saturday wouldn't be as nice for him because of the penalty and that he'd have to try a bit more on Sunday - Lewis: I honestly fell in love with the guy. I don't know what he has but it's something. Super fit and the way he talks is just like, I know he says that to everyone but he makes you believe you are indeed the best crowd he has ever seen. Lovely smile and he always makes a point of talking not just about himself but to include either the team or the fans. Guy trains his ego in the gym every morning to keep it in check probably. Still haven't forgiven him for 2008 but I'm glad I called the truce in 2020. - Red Bull: THE MESS HAHAHAH. Checo looked out of it IMO, like he waved and thanked the guys who were there for him but a bit dismissively. I can say many things about Super Max and I will if you ask me, but he looked more engaged in the conversation and tried to give nice answers, so he gets a few points for that. Funniest thing was that after they were over, they didn't come down the center to do autographs for people, which was such a dick move because the Team Checo guys were RIGHT THERE and from my side there were three guys waving Max's helmet replica and merch for him to sign. Crowd began booing (which wasn't hard because actually apparently people really don't like Max there? I thought people would love him more considering he is the reining champion) so Ariana Bravo had to say "hey we don't do this here!" which led to more booing because how dare you tell the French what to do. I didn't get too mad because I think if I was Max and I knew only three people liked me I would leave too. - Alpine: Felt really, really good to see Ocon being so well received. Gasly is still the apple of the French's eyes but Ocon was cheered as a hero, which makes sense when you consider he is now a Grand Prix winner with THE French team, but when you see the media's portrayal of him as a bit of a black sheep in contrast with Gasly being the ignored Crown Prince, it just felt great to see him being hit with the love. Alonso was in a great mood too and did his whole interview in French, which drove people wild. If Ocon is a hero there, then Alonso is the greatest of them all, as 2-times champion with Renault. People will never forget that and I'm sure Fernando just LOVES it, as he should and he deserves! Also I confess that it was here the only time I was like "wow, he really is short" because even when you consider that anyone looks short close to Ocon, Fernando seems smaller than in his pics.  - McLaren: Lando has a weird sense of humour that led him to say he hoped to specifically beat Alpine in this race and people *almost* booed before they started laughing and everyone realised it was a joke hahaha. Daniel honestly has some sort of attention span issue because he tried to answer his questions but he would just go like "hey I can say anything in French and make the crowd go wild watch this". At some point he just Pierre......... GASLY! two times in a row. I just wanted to hear him say some actual words lmao - W*lliams: when they left.

Fan Forum I done, I headed back to the Tribune Esteban Ocon, located at the Virage du Pont, aka turn 15, last of the circuit. It's there where cars enter the pit lane and speed down before starting a fast lap in quali, amongst others. While it's not usual to see overtakes there, you can see them get ready to attack and activate DRS. Overall, while you can't see the entire circuit, you can see the cars, which is not bad at all for the first time. You can also see a bit of the pit lane and the motorhomes!

some of the pictures might have chromatic aberration because of the zoom lenses I was using attached to my phone. don't mind me! not in the motorhome picture, but I could also see Mercedes' motorhome to the right of Red Bull's

Important to note: If you ask me anything about what the racing was like, objectively, I have no clue. FP3 came and went and it was just a vibe seeing the cars go in and out and do their cheeky laps. Honestly couldn't tell if Red Bull had good pace or if Aston Martin were going to flop again, I was just like. "Car go Brr" 

see what I told you about the pit lane? so cool! (FP3)

I think FP3 might have been my favourite session out of the three. While I usually just vibe with it when I'm at home, in there it felt like qualifying but without the stakes, which was much more enjoyable. People were cheering whenever their favourite driver passed in front of them and even more when they improved their lap times. It was completely insane to cheer for the fastest lap in a practice section yet that was exactly what was happening. It was like the driving equivalent of the guy skating while drinking juice and singing along to Dreams tiktok

W Series.... I don't want to talk about it much, but well. The cars are really freaking slow, to the point where they really stand out from the F1 and F2 races that are held on the same weekend. Fair, I suppose, as they are supposedly F3 cars, but I also don't watch F3 for the same reason. I feel that since most of the W Series drivers have a lot of experience they could do with better cars, which sucks because they end up looking amateur, even more when they have race incidents (in fact, there were two safety cars in a 30 min race). There is still a lot to be made to properly encourage race growth, and a few suggestion I have are: age limit to maximise chances of the girls going ahead to F3/F2 posts and the champion prize should be enough to fund them into an F3 team as well; they should also consider having the same champion rule as F2 that the winner doesn't get to remain in it for the next season - kinda sucks for Chadwick since she didn't manage to get a seat in another Formula series but it's probably the third championship for her in a road, so it's time to go, really; Maybe an investment that could be made is a team with woman drivers in both F3 and F2. Might never win it but it could be nice to showcase young talents. That being said I don't grieve any of the W Series drivers or organisers and if anything they are all doing what people kept them from doing for years. Good for them!!!

Quali came and it was ELECTRIFYING. I usually dread qualis because I just don't have it in me not to be anxious ever and the time constraint and high stakes just get me, but I was in the mood! I was sincerely happy! Again, don't ask me what actually happened during it, I had no clue Carlos had given Charles a tow because I was just like "GO CHAAAAAARLEEEEES GOOOOOOOOO" screaming like a mad woman. I was just thankful we got the pole and it was so, so FUCKING COOL how you could feel the whole place shaking because France is rooting for le Monegasque.

sorry for the shaky gifs but here is Charles on a mega fast run in Q3!

Overall, it was a trip. Gasly's shit quali was def a mood killer and the whole crowd was super sad, but they kept sending good vibes to make sure Pierre knew he was supported! Same thing for Ocon in Q2. People were also in suspense when Mick was fighting Race Control over the track limits, fair imo as Race Control this year has been even worse than last year and that's saying something. Crowd also went wild for Alonso in Q3 as he was Renault's rep. Lots of love for Sir Lulu as well! I, personally, made sure I was as annoying as possible whenever Seb was out hahahahaha. Once quali was done, I quickly hurried back to the Fan Zone in an attempt to get #RailedForSeb. And man... I'll need to talk about the following events in therapy.

When I left there hadn't even been the post-quali interviews yet, Charles had barely re-entered the pit lane. And while in the morning I didn't exactly bolt to the Fan Zone, this time I really almost ran. AND YET THERE WERE ALREADY TWO LINES OF PEOPLE THERE AGAIN. I sincerely think that some of them didn't even watch FP3 or quali so that they could stay in the rail and maximise their chances. I suppose (and hope) that it wasn't their first Grand Prix so they wouldn't miss it too much.

Team Vettel stayed strong!

I decided to stay in their entrance to the stage since there was a bigger chance of him autographing stuff there than in the center, where he would only be once. Quali ended around 17h30 if i'm not mistaken, so it would be roughly an hour and a half that I would have to stand up with a heavy backpack on my shoulders in the scorching heat. Easy. Feasible. I didn't know, however, that in less than 10 minutes a little kid would show up and be an Omen of how much of a mess the rest of the day would be. In fact, I'll call the kid Damien just to make it easier to illustrate.

accurate photo of Little Damien

Damien was right at my side with his folks a little behind him, and he only had a notebook and a dream: to get all of the drivers' autographs. He hadn't been there in the morning so he hoped the evening would be a hit. There was only an issue: he wasn't right behind the rail and the spot he had chosen was occupied by a couple of older fans.

Now, Damien had a few possibilities to choose from: he could have moved somewhere else he could sneak in better. In fact, his mom said that his greatest advantage was that he was a tiny little kid, so he could easily slowly make his way to the rail without taking a lot of space from people. But he didn't want that. He could have also asked nicely to the people in front of him if they could hold his notebook and get autographs for him, but he wanted full control as well. So, instead of being ok with the place he was at and trying to position himself as well as possible, Damien decided to bitch and moan as audibly as everyone in a 10 m radius could hear for a WHOLE HOUR AND A HALF. 

First, he spend half an hour just screaming "THERE IS NO SPACE!!! THERE IS NO SPACE!!!!". Then, he turned to his mom a few couple of times and said, I swear to God, "there are these two old people in front of me and they are there just to watch! I want my autographs!". I was GOOPED at the audacity of this three year old to be that bitchy when the guys were right behind him and could perfectly understand French, what the fuck! Like, what makes you so entitled to think you are more worthy of an experience than all the other fans that are there for the same reason as you are? Is there an hierarchy of fans I haven't heard of?

the couple pretending they weren't understanding what the kid was saying

At that point, it was only getting hotter and hotter. And as people were coming in, they started to push each other closer and closer to the rail, which meant that I was now just one row behind it instead of the original two. Space was getting smaller and smaller, there wasn't much room to drink water and people were starting to be in a bit of a mood with anticipation and such. I started feeling bad because I looked back and I realised I couldn't actually leave anymore, there was no way to get out without being stepped over by people. So I started feeling nervous. Luckily, some staff came with bottles of water to people, which calmed a bit the nerves, but available space kept getting smaller and smaller.

It was during the water moment that Damien managed to get a bit closer as well, but still behind the aged couple. A guy who was there to take some pictures for his daughter had no choice but to let Damien in, and said so himself. Damien kept being foolish and running his mouth, so we all kind of decided, collectively, not to let him pass any further and block him hahahahaha. Maybe if his parents did a good job of keeping him quiet we would have been nicer but kid was a dick and suffered, so far, no consequence of it.

The hosts came in and announced that the first team would be Alpha Tauri, which led everyone to bolt forwards to get to Gasly when he would come in. I was being crushed from all sides and hanging on to my sticker album for my dear life, so I genuinely considered crying out for help. However, I look around and security is placed obviously for the drivers, not for the fans, and there are no firemen/paramedics in sight. That means that not only I had truly no way out, but also if I fainted or anything happened, no one would know until the whole thing was over and I dropped dead after people loosened up. I went survival mode and focused all my strengths in just making it to the end of the interviews, I was legit close to tears.

Now, remember the couple in front of Damien? I had asked them earlier before Damien came in if they would mind handing my album for Seb to sign or if I put my arm between them, literally anything. The lady told me they had stuff for him to sign too (so they weren't there just for the banter as Damien thought), so I thanked them and said "no worries"). As people started pushing, I also apologised to the people around me and said it was out of my control. BECAUSE I WAS POLITE, the lady actually changed her mind and offered to take my sticker album while her husband would hold the book they had - it was a compilation of Paul-Henri and Bernard Cahier photos of champions, and there was one with Seb in it. Lovely book btw. Too bad what happened next changed the course of humanity and trauma bonded all of us there.

Gasly came in and all hell broke loose. I got pushed forwards to the point my feet didn't touch the ground anymore, while tons of arms showed up over me holding caps, posters and French flags. My hat was about to fall off, but someone decided to use my head as a support point to lean forwards, so I didn't lose it. I just sort of looked at the little of sky I could see on top of me and raised my hands up in the hopes someone would rescue me - which didn't happen.

exclusive image of me hanging on to my dear life

Pierre signs tons of autographs for the French who are, at this point, equally shouting "GASLY" with whatever lungs they have available after their years of chain smoking and fighting each other over the lack of space. Yuki shows up too and more screaming is had until they get to the stage. A little bit of schadenfreude powers me as little Damien starts crying and somehow escapes because he failed to get autographs and it was clear this wasn't gonna happen to him in this GP. Served him right.

Yuki shows up too and I manage to get a little bit of air while they do their interviews. I actually saw that people shared the "only thing that Yuki hasn't tried yet is a French girl" anedocte that Gasly said, but they missed out on the most important part that was the entire audience just being like "CHILL PIERRE, CHILL" and laughing out of nervousness. I could feel Tsunoda getting red and I was only able to see his back!

Alpha Tauri come out and the moment of truth arrives as Aston Martin joins us. AGAIN, everyone lunges because of Seb and this time, so do I, fuck it. I had saved my last 1% of strength for this moment and started yelling for him to look over. Britta and Lance's PR person walk in the front handing signed photocards, so I start yelling for her instead while Seb's further back. I swear to God, she actually came in my direction, looked at me in the eye, I said "hi Britta!" and she smiled back..... and she handed the photocards to people right beside me. I yelled for her to come back but it was too late. My jaw dropped for like... a whole minute. What was the reason, Britta?????? I do recognise it was hilarious and a great story to tell though.

Seb told people in front of him to calm down as he would try to sign as many autographs as possible, and he did. In fact, besides Red Bull's ordeal, all of them spent quite a good time making an effort at reaching out to as many fans as they could get, and they were genuinely nice while at it. I mean, Alpha Tauri, Aston Martin and Alfa Romeo all had lowkey disastrous qualifying sessions, Gasly the worst I think, and they still smiled and tried to engage as much as they could. While they're all more or less PR trained, they're not actors and you can feel who is more or less distant, which makes the whole thing even more astonishing because practically none of them really were, even the more reserved ones. You could feel the effort.

But unfortunately, it doesn't matter exactly where you're placed as it is a bit of a Russian Roulette and Seb never managed to sign my sticker album. He stayed before and after. Again, to be fair, he spent a lot of time there and there were tons of Seb fans around with helmet replicas and AM merch and even Ferrari/Red Bull fans that were there for The Legacy, but he genuinely had to go. He even kind of shrugged in an apologetic way before leaving. A guy that was in front of me handed me a photocard and said "hey, you couldn't do better than this!" all happy because he thought he had snagged me a Seb card, but when I told him it was Lance's, he said "oh, merde!". For me it was great though, as my Lance stan friend was super happy when I sent her the pic.

I stuck around until the end of the Alfa Romeo interviews as I had no choice and I also managed to see Zhou Guanyu sign the Seb page of my sticker album HAHAHA. He actually looked super pleased as well, it was so endearing. Also managed to see Bottas and yeah.... I would. I totally would, why lie for the tl. Overall, I managed to get two signatures in my Seb page, which I think are Yuki and Zhou's. The whole concept of Oppa Seb is so funny and the guys were so nice I can't even be mad!

I could have stayed a little longer to watch the after concert (that apparently was on the track and super cool!) and also see Esteban pass in front of our tribune, but I chose to go home instead because I legit needed a breather. Took a shower, some Tylenol and went to sleep.

sunday: scenes at the race

Rinse and repeat, woke up early, showered, got dressed, food, go. I had to snuck in the bus because people decided to queue while I was sat and there were people at the queue who were there for way less longer than I was. Didn't give a single shit, I am used to it in Brazil anyway.

Got there around 8h50, decided I actually wanted to eat a bit more of substantial food when I saw there was little queue on the pasta stand and that they were actually wrapping the food to go, so I bought myself a pseudo carbonara for lunch. I was super excited as I would actually have the opportunity to watch Formula 2 for the day and I knew Drugo had snagged a podium after Pourchaire's penalty the day before. I didn't know, however, that French support truly extended to the junior drivers and Pourchaire was received as a fucking hero (Novalak received a lot of love too).

While everyone cheered for Pourchaire, I took the role of being Drugo's sole cheerleader on the tribune, literally shouting VAI DRUGO every single lap. My throat is suffering from it to this day. Again, you couldn't tell me whether the race was good or bad, but I was THRILLED. I think Drugo had a bad race start and then picked up at the end? P4 seemed fair considering it all. Plus, Logan Sargeant's DNF made me happy, ngl. But overall, the star truly was Pourchaire, who landed a podium and was received as a champion. Iwasa, having led French-based DAMS to victory, was also given a standing ovation.

French flags for Theo!

After the F2 race, I ate my fauxbonara while Porsche Supercup was on and drank lots and lots of water. There were still animations with some random cheerleaders on the stands and some flag waving, but the real stars were the track marshals that hyped the crowd before the drivers' parade. They made us clap, they sang and danced like a bunch of fools, they made some waves, anything to keep us hyped before the drivers got to our turn, and it did work! Here are a few gifs from the video I took (I actually shot all the drivers but footage is shaky so I'll only share the ones that you could see a bit better).

I was surprised to see the Paddock Club ticket holders on a few trucks after the drivers btw. I kind of understand the glamour of taking part in the Parade, but it feels like it would be much more interesting to watch the Parade than to be in it. But then again, they probably saw the drivers way more close than I did the entire weekend, so yeah, it is what it is.

I set my phone aside during the race so there are no pictures of it, sorry :/ I had made an effort to register as much as I could during the entire weekend and I really wanted to be able to take in everything of the main event itself. I have to say, it was one of the most unforgettable moments of my life to experience the thrill of the formation lap and race start. The anticipation, the fear, the hope, it's like, everything all at once because the cars are so... concrete, you know? Maybe the best part about attending a race is truly the breaking of the fourth wall that allows you to realise these guys are actually there and it's not just an abstract creation of your imagination. There is a completely rupture of the distancing you have when you watch it from home which is a complete mindfuck and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Unfortunately, the race graphics just don't work live and are completely unreadable unless you have binoculars, so I didn't know what was the exact time interval between the cars, which is a shame because you can clearly see the gap getting smaller or bigger, so I would have loved to be able to correlate distance and timing. However, it was fucking lunatic to see the first few laps with Charles holding on Max from the perspective of the last turn. Sometimes, it looked like Max could legit lung while turning, sometimes it looked like Charles was under control, and once the gap looked big enough and they said Max was out of DRS range the whole crowd came down cheering. Everyone wanted Charles to win...

Which made the more heartbreaking when he crashed. We just saw the yellow flag signs getting lit up and then the safety car sign coming out before we knew it was Charles. I nearly cried but my tears dried out because of the shock of his radio message that was broadcast for all of us to hear. When his heavy, quick breathing played, everyone was quiet because we were all scared he was hurt. I even thought he had broken something. Instead, his scream echoed through the entire circuit and everyone just sighed with a mix of relief for his physical integrity and sadness for his own heartbreak. It was truly awful and personally, I didn't even have the time to recover from it before the shitty Carlos pit release.

To make matters worse, since Charles crashed close to my tribune, both him and his car passed right in front of us. You know what truly fucking sucked? You could tell he was devastated, his shoulders were completely down and he still made sure to wave us all, in something I feel was a mix of appreciation for the support as everyone was cheering anyway (I personally made sure to scream "thank you for everything" and "I love you") and apologies for having made a mistake. I did whip my phone out of the bag to take a picture of La Rossonera, and the saddest part is that it looked not that bad at all. 

Now, I had to move on and focus on the rest of the race, since there were still a Ferrari on track and tons of other drivers I had always dreamt of seeing. Carlos' track progression was my focus, and I repeat myself but I had the time of my life seeing him catch up to the cars in front of him race lap after lap until he showed up ahead. His overtake of Checo was right in front of me since I could see that part of the main straight, so I jumped and screamed like a maniac, only stopping when Checo tried to strike back and failed. Imagine my fucking surprise when he goes in the pit. The amount of cursing I did while the guys in front of me were like "typical Ferrari".... this is so HUMILIATIIIING.

I was also rooting for something that didn't happen (Max DNF) but overall, even with the results I was more than satisfied with the race weekend I had. If we had a better ending, I might have considered rewatching it on F1TV, but honestly I don't care enough to put myself through that ordeal again hahah, I'll take the L and keep the good memories. Since I had a crippling headache from the heat - Sunday was less warm but worse because the air was more dense - I left the track early and got home with time to spare, enough to get my things packed, call my folks and tell them about my weekend and to have some celebratory Mickey Ds.

epilogue: a few final thots

While on the bus heading back home, I had a bit of time to think about what the weekend represented to me. The first major point is that it completely changed my outlook on the drivers themselves. I have never like, dehumanised them and I try to keep my idolatry in check so that I'm able to call them out if necessary, but I did idolise my faves and loathed the ones I dislike. Seeing them interact with the fan base live was a 180º flip because like... they're just people. Some of them are smaller than you would think, some of them are taller than you think, but they truly just want to drive the cars, you know? But then you're standing there besides a random person who literally just went there to see them, literally just one of them, you hear the cries and it's scary, it truly is, to consider the psychological weight of the burden that they carry.

Because it's like, on one side they have to be concerned with living up to the expectations of the sport, the team, the championship and of their own talent, which is already the standard agony that every athlete goes through in their entire career and that feeds their fears and regrets after retirement. But on the other side, they need to go out and be paraded like shiny objects to a bunch of people who are shouting their names and staring at them almost like Cujo, drooling and wide eyed, but it's out of love. How do you even manage to be normal after going through all of this at least once, let alone repeated times during the years? You have to change, but at the same time you can't change who you really are, which is just a person. You are elevated to the status quo, the highest of pedestals, but you are still just a random person. You're not a hack per se, you deserve to be there as a fruit of your path and your life's work, but fundamentally the pedestal shouldn't exist. It's so much to consider and yet they all go out there, perform at the highest level they can psychologically and still find the time to try to please their worshippers. Unhinged. 

The other point I'd make is that it was truly a blessing to be able to go to the race. I know I was probably there at Charles' 2018 Germany moment but still my heart grew from Saturday to Sunday because it was just a lifelong dream becoming reality. Once you go there, you need to face with maturity the fact you can't control the sport and that's the fun of it. Whatever you spent, whatever you did, it doesn't matter because it's all in control of the people on the track and the pit lane. If it's not the championship decision, you can be frustrated but ultimately you don't get to be upset over something you knew was a possibility. And the fact is, if you do, you have to consider to distance yourself from the sport a bit.

I'm saying this because from first hand, Ferrari is frustrating year in year out. It has always been like this and not even the Golden Michael Years were peaceful. I have already spoken here my thoughts on the supreme bottling that has been made and in theory, as a fan, I had every right to curse Charles and Ferrari for the disasterclass of Sunday. But you know what, Ferrari doesn't have the right to ruin my love of them and of Formula 1, not even in the most important moment of my life as a fan so far. The team can grieve the result as they should, because we're further and further away from the lead and the strategy errors have led us to rely too much on driver performance which makes individual mistakes even more serious. Charles can grieve the result because he truly screwed up an easy win and he can even resent the team for not backing him up when he needed to. But these are burdens that it's their job to carry, I'm a fan pro bono and I can't let a result that is always a possibility put a damp in a big, happy moment for me, the same way I can't let it get through my head and ruin my entire week from home. And that's equally valid for any driver and any team, we all have to know our places, rights and duties in our parasocial relationships. I have been keeping up with my part of the deal, which is to slag them off when necessary but still offer support no matter what. I'll never stop being a Ferrari fan even when everything disappoints me because my love for them is larger than life, so why will I let current Ferrari ruin everything that me and the red car have had together over the years and will have in the future? Nah hah, fuck off, I will remain steady and look at the glass half full. This weekend was bitching and I wouldn't change a thing.

Well, I would. But I accept that I can't change it and I'm happy with what I had.

If you managed to read this all the way, I hope you enjoyed reliving with me the French Grand Prix. Next time we see each other, hopefully it's for the proper HC I've been writing. Slow and steady wins the race! As always, thank you for reading and screw you guys, I'm going home.

PS: Seriously, F1 administration, I know you guys are reading this. Find a way of keeping the Fan Forums because the interviews are nice, but bring back the autograph sessions. Someone is going to be trampled over one day. Cheers!