#i definitely didn't do this instead of studying for the 2 finals i have tomorrow

[lucy90712]

Road to recovery- part 2

masterlist Lola's POV

It's been a long week waiting for my surgery as I haven't been able to do much as they don't want me to cause more damage by walking around too much. As someone who is always active and barely sits down this week has been hell but today has been the worst. Knowing that it is surgery day but having to wait sat in a hospital has been torture seeing everyone else get called while I just sit and wait has been awful. Until today I wasn't nervous about the surgery but the longer I've had to wait the more anxious I've become as there's a big risk I means the surgery could not go to plan and then I may never compete again and that's a scary thought. My life has been dedicated to sport even my degree is sport related as I wanted to have the knowledge that helps me understand my body better so if I can't do gymnastics again I don't know what I'll do with my life. 

Eventually I was called back and the nurses prepped me for surgery. I was given a gown to wear which they had to help me into as I can't put any weight on my left leg which makes changing difficult. They did some basic checks as well like measuring my heart rate and blood pressure before hooking me up to a few machines. Then it was time to go into the operating room which just felt so cold and clinical which I know it's supposed to be but it didn't help ease my feelings of anxiety that I was already feeling. Luckily someone then came in to give me the anaesthetic to put me to sleep which worked very quickly so before I knew it I was falling asleep. 

As my eyes opened and adjusted to the lights I noticed that they weren't as harsh as the ones in the operating room and the ceiling was different too. My brain was still slightly foggy but as I was coming to my senses I realised that I must be out of surgery which woke me up a little more and I finally looked down at my leg to see bandages where they had cut into my knee and a brace was already attached to my leg to limit its movement. Just as I was about to find the button to call a nurse one walked in and offered me a smile once she saw I was awake.

"How are you feeling Lola?" She asked 

"I'm ok did the surgery go well?" I asked 

"Yes it did we were able to repair your acl and the damage to your meniscus wasn't as bad as we feared so you didn't require any further work to fix that we are going to keep you over night just to monitor you and to start physio tomorrow morning" she explained 

"Thank you" I replied 

"Also I'm sorry that you are having to share this room but we are low on rooms and you two have the exact same injury so we thought it was best to put you together" she said

I was extremely confused until I looked to my right and saw a guy who looked weirdly familiar sat on his phone also with a brace on just his was on his right leg instead. I don't know how I didn't notice before as our beds are quite close together but I guess thats what anaesthesia does to you. Once the nurse left I turned my attention back to this random guy as I was curious as to who he was but he was yet to acknowledge my existence as he hadn't looked up from his phone. Seeing as he wasn't paying any attention I took my chance to study his face to see if I could work out where I recognised him from. I noticed that he looked to be about my age the the muscles in his arms told me that he was definitely an athlete too which only made me more curious. In my head I was trying to go through the sports where acl injures are common and the first sport that came to mind was football. With him looking my age and us being in Barcelona I assumed he was part of one of the youth teams but then I wondered why I recognised him as I'm really not that into football so I'd have no idea about any youth players. 

"Do you need something?" The guy asked coldly which made me realise I was still staring 

"Oh sorry I didn't mean to stare" I said

"Whatever" he scoffed going back to his phone again 

"Wait I um have to ask how did you end up here?" I asked 

"I was playing football and landed awkwardly on my knee" he explained 

"I'm sorry that sounds awful I hope this doesn't seem weird but I'm really not that into football but I recognise you from somewhere do you play for one of the Barcelona youth teams Barcelona atletic isn't it?" I asked 

"No I don't play for the B team I play for the first team" he said so nonchalantly like it meant nothing 

He had rendered me speechless with that. I simply couldn't think of anything else to say as my brain was preoccupied with freaking out over the fact that I was laying in a hospital bed in the same room as a Barcelona player. Football isn't my thing but that being said I know how hard those guys work and how crazy it is to find yourself in the situation I am right now. Once my brain had come to terms with the fact that I was next to an actual well known athlete I realised I still wasn't completely sure who he was so I found my phone amongst all my stuff and went straight to Instagram. I went onto Barcelona's account and the first thing I saw was a post with the guy sat right next to me. Gavi. That's who he is the big star boy of the team that's why I recognised him there was a time when he was all anyone talked about whether that was because of his footballing abilities or how attractive they thought he was. Of course I had to look at his Instagram and after scrolling through a few pictures I decided to follow him. It's not like I'm ever going to see him again after we leave this hospital plus he won't even notice he already has millions of followers. 

What a day. No one is going to believe me when I try and tell them that I spent my time in hospital with Gavi and honestly I wouldn't believe me either but here we are. Good thing he doesn't seem to want to talk to anyone as I don't know if I could hold a conversation with him for more than a few seconds now I know who he is. 

[softsky-daily]

2/19/2024

We are so back.

Positive thing: Work was actually not that bad, and my partner got me McDonald's.

Free food is always a plus in my book. Anyway I'm contending with the post-Japan sleepies and yearning, which I've decided to cope with by making a Japanese study blog. I'm pretty excited for it since it'll be nice to have something to better motivate me to actually read my Japanese books I got.

I'm also waiting on my friends to finish their opinion pieces on how Japan was for them, and once they're done I can write the final travel blog post. Since it was their first time going, I'm curious to hear how they took the whole thing since it was definitely a whirlwind.

Meanwhile I'm already thinking of where I'd like to go next when I visit. I'm still leaning towards Sapporo, but since I could barely handle the cold of winter Tokyo I'm thinking maybe staying south would be better. Maybe Fukuoka or Nagoya. But it'll be a long, long time until I go back, so I'll save figuring it out for when I actually have the means again. What would be really cool is if the next time I go I could move there for a few years. Maybe I'll ask my professor if she knows a way to do that.

But yeah, anyway. Thinking about the future is always a little scary. I know anything is possible, but knowing that is also intimidating because that means it's all up to me to make it happen. And possibly whatever dumb luck still exists out there.

In other news I have to make it through all the homework I missed last week so that's fun. It would be less of an issue if one of my professors had actually posted stuff on time instead of waited until last minute where we all have to scramble to finish before class on Thursday. But whatever, I'll complain but I'll do it. I have a presentation tomorrow I didn't practice for either so guess I'm winging it. (It'll probably be fine.)

[studyingsocialjustice]

7 Days of Productivity, Days 1-3

Well, I had certainly hoped to be able to upload daily instead of all on one day. Alas, I ran out of time and energy after doing work all day to post any updates. But here we are! I'm honestly not super happy with how the last three days have gone, but I'm hoping for tomorrow and Friday to be better.

Monday Dec 4 - Day 1: As you can see by my Study Bunny daily study hours, I didn't get much work time in this day. I had a really hard time getting up and moving in the morning and ended up sleeping half of the day. My body definitely needed it, but it's not ideal when you have deadlines! I did have a productive rehearsal for my scene for my Directing class though. We didn't get to everything I had planned so I'll have to prioritize the last chunk during my rehearsal tomorrow. After rehearsal, I went to the library and started my final project for my Social Justice Education class. My topic for the project was the concept of Crip Time, and I had a little bit too much fun researching it! I am so passionate about the field of Disability Studies so I kept getting distracted by all the articles I was finding, even if they weren't actually useful to my project 😝 I guess that's a good problem to have, but again - deadlines!

Tuesday Dec 5 - Day 2: Unfortunately another day where I didn't spend as much time as planned on working. I had planned to spend the entire day at the library, but due to a miscommunication my anxiety got really bad right before my partner dropped me off at campus, and it took me probably three hours to be calm enough to get any work done. I used the Study Bunny app when I first got to the library, but after a few hours it just didn't make sense to me to bother using it since I was just going to work continuously. Next time I'll use the stopwatch function instead of the countdown. While I was at the library I created a universal annotation key for myself. I like to color-code my highlighting but it always slows me down to take the time to set up my color key, so I thought I would just create one that would be applicable to everything that I read, not just course readings. After I got home and showered, I was ready to do more work, but it seemed my cat had other ideas! I still managed to get another couple of hours of progress on my project though.

Wednesday Dec 6 - Day 3: I finished my project on Crip Time and thus finished my Social Justice Education class! I'm having a hard time being happy about it though. I spent 5 straight hours finishing the project, and didn't have it completely finished until just before I presented it to the class - and I was the last to go. I am happy with the final product, and I feel like I learned a lot from my work on it, but I'm pretty unhappy with myself for my utter lack of time management with the project. Oh well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ there's always next semester. And hey, I don't have to worry about it anymore! That's one class down, three to go.

I also got my grades back for my two Incomplete classes. I got a B in both classes, which is honestly better than I was expecting. I didn't finish all of the work (and didn't finish most of the work for one of them) for them, so I thought I was going to have a C at best. But the B is a huge relief! And like with Social Justice Ed, it's done and I finally don't have to worry about it anymore.

Up Next: [] Make a plan for how I'm going to complete all the work for my Directing class [] Prepare for my rehearsal tomorrow [] Finish the text analysis for the scene I'm directing [] Complete my production critique for All's Well That Ends Well [x] Choose the other two productions that I need to watch and critique [] Order the gifts for my boyfriend's mom, grandmother, and stepmom for when we visit them all for Christmas. I'm thinking of getting candles for each of them as hostess gifts. We'll be spending 5 days with his mom's side of the family and then 5 days with his dad's - I'm nervous!

Wish me luck for a better and more productive day tomorrow! And I wish you the best of luck for your day and your exams as well. We got this!

🎵: Einaudi: Experience

[alvres]

― task one.            counseling session.

          cristina settles into the plush leather couch, legs and arms crossed defiantly, eyes moving from painting, to painting, to graduate psychology diplomas. she knows EXACTLY why she’s been called into the counselor’s office and no part of her’s looking forward to the hour-long grief session dr. lewis has planned for her. in fact, at this point, spending an afternoon with the windsors fighting over who cared about dante the most while she has to play referee sounds more relaxing. ‘ you know, my parents pay an expensive family therapist to do this every week. this isn’t really necessary, ’ she mutters, her eyes finally meeting with the counselor’s, as he flips to a new sheet of paper to add to his cristina alvares DOSSIER. ‘ while i’m sure they get paid a lot more than i do, no part of that makes them any more or less qualified to talk this through with you, cristina, ’ he smiles, taking off the cap of an expensive-looking fountain pen, ready to write down any and all of her reactions. not that he’s going to get much out of her. no one ever does. ‘ i have to do this, don’t i ? ’ she surmises, her arms uncrossing slowly as he shakes his head, almost as a sign of defeat. a deep sigh escapes her and she settles more comfortably into the couch.

‘ so, cristina, can you tell me about dante’s death ? what happened that day ? what were you doing ? be as specific as you want. ’

          without warning, the words seem to trigger her mind, which — for the first time in weeks — fights against the CHEMICAL HAZE she’s cloaked herself in. she sees it all, suddenly. the senior year celebrations. she and dante agreeing to take different cars to get to the party. meeting with ares in a dark corner of the host’s home, unable to be away from him for too long and unable to keep her hands to herself. drinking more than she should and feeling a certain sense of warmth envelop her. all before it came crashing down. all before someone screamed at their phone, a scream that’s been ECHOING in cristina’s skull ever since. ‘ his car crashed, ’ she replies, after what seems like an eternity, her brain still playing a poorly edited supercut of the evening, ‘ i found out from someone who’d gotten a text from someone else. and then my mom called. and then i left the house i was in. the rest of the evening’s kind of a blur. ’ the answer pours out of her like she’s rehearsed it, emotion lacking completely from her face. like a ROBOT reading a script. any more emotion and she knows she’d break down. something she can’t afford to do in broad daylight at school.

‘ where were you when you found out about his death ? you mentioned a house ? ’

          she thinks back to the walls, covered in awards, trophies and medals. cristina had though for so long that her mother was perhaps the craziest in boston, only to realize upon entering dante’s teammate’s home that athlete’s mothers were far WORSE. every inch of their home was decorated like an odd shrine to their son and his lacrosse achievements. it was like the louvre, but for douchebags. all that was missing were little plaques explaining each award, each black and white picture of the PRODIGAL son. ‘ we were all at dean sampson’s house, celebrating the fact that senior year’s coming to a close soon. someone drew devil horns on one of the many black and white portraits dean’s parents have of him in their staircase, ’ she mutters, eyes now focused on the comings and goings outside of dr. lewis’ window. she’s never cared much for the athletes at houghton.

‘ since then, what’s happened ? how have things been with you and family and friends ? ’

          she holds back a scoff. EVERYONE knows how it’s been, thanks to every boston tabloid’s round-the-clock coverage of her family’s grief and the outfits they’ve chosen to accessorize their sadness with. she’s pretty sure she remembers reading that someone thought the death of her brother made her skinnier. she definitely remembers thinking that dante would’ve laughed. ‘ we buried dante on that sunday. and then the school held a beautiful memorial for him, ’ she continues, biting back comments about how RIDICULOUS the memorial was, with its gaudy decorations and speeches. it almost seemed like everyone with a pulse suddenly came out openly as dante’s biggest fan, fawning about how much they individually missed him to both his and cristina’s parents ( an act which led monica alvares to drink for the rest of the evening, convinced she hadn’t loved her son enough ). silence lingers for an instant and dr. lewis shifts in his chair, cocking an eyebrow in the hopes of making her realize cristina hasn’t fully answered his questions. ‘ things have been as good as you’d expect, ’ cristina finally states, realizing that there’s no way he’ll cut this session short, ‘ my parents are really doing the most they can to support me right now. we aren’t the BRADY BUNCH of beacon hill at the moment, but we’ll build ourselves back up together. ’ another eye roll is suppressed as cristina thinks back to her mother on the phone with the lifestyle editor of the boston globe, talking about potential times for cristina to be interviewed about her tennis skills. because no part of an alvares twelve-step grief program is complete without tone-deaf image damage control.

‘ have you been through any other difficult times recently prior to or following the loss ? ’

          she inhales rapidly, as if to start a sentence, before catching herself — god, he’s GOOD. almost better than the expensive family therapist, who — truth be told — has never gotten this close to making cristina cough out an honest answer. the girl’s years of practice in the art of deception are wasted on her. plus, that doctor’s probably sleeping with her father. at this point, no one would be surprised. ‘ it’s been tough but, as i said, i go to therapy weekly. plus, senior year’s keeping my mind busy. so, don’t you worry. i’m still the SAME OLD cristina, who eats her five fruit and vegetables a day and can put a yearbook spread together better than the entire yearbook staff put together. ’ she ends her sentence with a smile, prompting dr. lewis to take his glasses off and put them to the side. he knows she’s LYING, but he also knows not to push someone in the steps of their grief process. after all, there’s always a stage of denial before acceptance rolls around. so, instead, he just makes a note to see cristina alvares again in a week as she gets up to go back to class, also noting to check if she’s on antidepressants next session. no one’s this cheery after the death of a twin.

          the impact of the impromptu grief counseling session doesn’t hit her until she makes her way to one of the more secluded locations at houghton. shaking hands go straight to the lining of her bag as she tries to hold back tears, fingers racking through various objects before coming in contact with a lighter and a pre-rolled joint. she expertly places one end between her lips and sparks up the other with her lighter, exhaling a cloud of smoke into the air above her, feeling herself RELAX almost instantly. ‘ thank fucking god, ’ she whispers, exhaling another cloud, not bothered to wonder if the smell would tip someone off. she needed this if she was going to go back to class and face her classmates. because if her facade were to fall for even an instant, all would CRUMBLE.

[heliolicious]

napoleone della rosa's diary - from cristoforo della rosa's point of view

chapter 2: confusion

one day, napoleone had a girlfriend. she appeared very suddenly in his life, the girl of the restaurant confessed to him, a spring day, that she wanted to be his girlfriend. and my brother, a 17 year old, bless his naive being, gave into it without questioning anything. he never got anybody going up to him and asking him out like that, everyone preferred to be away from him. because he was the weird one. the smart ass chatterbox. the one everyone found boring.

portia de amarettis, this was the girl's name. i saw her, multiple times, at home. she seemed to be highly spoilt and respected by our parents, who even started to treat napoleone himself, a little better. something didn't sit right with me about it. something felt fishy, but napoleone was blinded by the feeling of finally having someone by his side. i can't tell if he really ever loved portia, or if he was only ever in love with the sole idea of being loved by someone.

"april 12nd, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

this morning i've been on a date with portia, my girlfriend. we have two almost every week, my parents have never been happier than this, it almost feels like they care about my happiness and my freedom, which is pretty unbelievable. we ate together, and i paid for it to try to be a gentleman. i feel like i took a wrong step, however, when i asked her how she was feeling about making love with me. she is two years older than me, i supposed she already had more experience, but she said she wasn't ready yet. and looked a little upset when she left.

so i took some time to think about where did i go wrong, hoping she wouldn't be upset. i took a walk at the park. and i met a boy, who didn't laugh in my face and didn't call me names when everyone else did. he seemed to be much taken aback from me, and did not want me to see his face. this didn't and won't stop me from being next to him. i'll see him again."

so he met a special friend. a special friend that in a matter of little time, became someway almost as important as portia in his life. but again, his dates with portia started to feel organized in the same way his parents organized and kept under their control his studying schedule. my brother would have wanted to spend an afternoon with his new friend, but sometimes, they set up a date for him and the girl three afternoons in a row. so he couldn't see his friend, for quite some time.

his girlfriend started to feel more like homework, during those days, leading my brother to think about it and realize, that maybe it wasn't as good as he thought. that maybe his heart didn't really beat for her precisely, nothing was in his heart when she smiled, he only ever felt something when he thought about receiving love. no matter whether it came from portia herself or not. until he realized what being suddenly lovestruck really meant.

when his friend showed up with a completely different face. a perfect one. a porcelain doll looking one.

"april 20th, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

i am feeling weird. i have a girlfriend, so it can't be that my heart is racing for desire towards someone else. it should just be for the surprise, he said it's a curse that changed his appearance. never have i ever struggled to keep myself from kissing someone this hard. but he's a man. and i am one too. i don't know how to take this, not to mention, i am busy with portia. even if i never felt this way for her. this might just be the effect of the surprise for i have seen his new face. i have a date with portia, tomorrow. i'll see what do i feel about her and judge what's up with me."

"april 22th, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

i don't know what to say, nor why i did it. there's nothing i want to write here, if not that i messed up, when portia leaned in for a kiss and i backed off. she thought i was upset because she didn't want to sleep with me yet. the truth is, i just don't know if i love her anymore. it saddens me, she seems to love me a lot. or at least she's doing anything to keep me. in all honesty, i fear what would happen if i told her the truth, or worse, if i told my parents. i can't even ask for my friend's opinion. it would require telling him i ache for a kiss of his. and it feels wrong."

i can't hide these pages of my brother's diary hurt me. because i've already read it all, and it makes me furious.

however, napoleone soon found out everyone, portia included, had been using him the whole time, for her family's restaurant had been falling into bankruptcy due to debts with passione, a huge mafia. the plan was getting her married to napoleone, joining the families together, to start a good total income for the two families, being the de amarettis restaurant the best one in the city and the one with most success. the only obstacle so far, had been the debts to fulfill with the rival mafia.

but now, napoleone's heart created another obstacle. when he found out portia never really loved him, and that her family and his own parents played him like a fiddle for money, he stabbed with a dagger all the pages that contained words of affection towards her. or that spoke about her in any case. it took me a little to understand the missing pieces and restore the pages i showed a second ago, but i was able to fix them quite well.

the last piece of this chapter doesn't require his diary anymore, however. after stabbing it with a dagger, he never spoke about her again, in his diary. so, i'm gonna have to expose something i spied in secret.

he mentioned in the first diary page i showed here, that he felt almost as if his parents had started to care about him, after he got together with portia. but he soon learnt at his own expenses that it was just for money. of course, my brother tried to delete her from his mind, even if it was not possible. he even let a lot of anger off, in secret. but when our father saw him set himself up all elegant and good looking, more than he looked like when he used to hang with portia, he questioned really hard where he was gonna go.

napoleone always tried to stay outside with his special friend the most he could, he did not want to stay inside, seeing our family angered him, and seeing lady delphine angered him more, since she knew about it and never told him. he trusted her deeply for years, and she gave his trust away too.

however, my brother was just trying to go outside and spend an afternoon with his friend, when our father stopped him.

"who is it?" he just asked. straight to the point. napoleone could just freeze on the spot and turn around. our mother, olympia, was just in the next room, but as i was spying in secret, i'm sure she was listening just as much. "not only you ruin what your mother and i had planned for you, money and a wedding, but you also have the guts of setting yourself up and leaving like this. almost everyday, instead of studying. there must be someone. is she... rich?"

"no. can i go?"

"is she known?"

"i don't owe you answers. i really... just wanna go-" a loud, smacking sound. when my brother refused to answer for the second time, our father lost his patience. he always snapped. too quickly. i had never seen it before, though. napoleone was the one who always got caught into it. his cheek hurt immensely. his glasses flew off.

"you don't have the power you think you hold, leone. you disobey your mother and i, you leave a betrothed behind for a random lady, a poor underdog god knows where you found. you've always been an obedient kid. what are you doing of your life?"

"she's not an underdog. he- she- ... she is someone i value."

our father stared at him. immensely. for some seconds. my fifteen year old mind didn't get what had happened, i used to ask myself what was wrong with having a male friend, but my current mind does understand what the whole situation truly meant, enough to tell about it. napoleone had slipped on it, and our father wasn't so stupid to not to notice. in fact, he stared at napoleone with a disgusted expression for seconds that felt neverending. and then, whispered under his breath. "you filthy f****t. whose son are you? not mine, for sure."

don't make me write that fully. our father said that word to him, and i didn't know what it meant, when i was fifteen. but now i know, and it gives me chills to think about the scene. the scene of my father taking a handful of my brother's hair to kick his nose, insulting him and telling him he was a disappointment. it was the first time, i ever heard napoleone scream in agony. our father sometimes slapped us if we didn't behave, but he never got so far.

when we were younger, napoleone had little to no muscle. and he was definitely thinner than me. now, it's the contrary, but at the time, it really mattered. the scene continued under my - hidden - eyes and under my mom's gaze, until my brother had a seizure and could just lie on the ground, not reacting, not answering to anything.

"i will find your son's filthy friend." our father murmured in our mother's ear. and i don't know what happened afterwards. all i know, is that i saw my brother's eyes widen and move towards them, as if he heard them despite the ongoing seizure. and the day after, i witnessed him shooting our father in the head.

"june 5th, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

no, no you won't."

it was the beginning of the end.

[mochilici0us]

One New Message | jjk (4)

➳ 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲: angst, thriller, stalker au

➳ 𝘀𝘆𝗻𝗼𝗽𝘀𝗶𝘀: Skye realizes she has to deal with a ruthless stalker when the messages she’s constantly receiving are getting more and more threatening. A stalker that makes her recall memories of the past she swore she would never rake up again

➳ 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 2,5k

prologue, part one, part two, part three, part four

April 2013

''Skye can you pass me the milk please?'' my father kindly requests while we enjoy our breakfast. They enjoy to be exact. I can hardly take part in their conversation, my mind is away.

My eyes can't stop following her skinnier, exhausted figure moving from the kitchen to the dining haul and serving breakfast.

Something's up these days, she avoids eye contact with me at all costs, we haven't even talked properly. She's acting cold towards me just muttering a few weak goodmornings and goodnights. Yeah, those are the only words I've exchanged with my ''best friend'', not even a little talk to catch up with each other's news.

''Ruby can you fetch me some honey?'' my mother yells so that Ruby listens from the kitchen. A few seconds after she appears holding a jar of honey. Even her walk is stiff, I'm genuinely concerned about her health.

''Here you are'' I'm sure she can feel my burning gaze as she leaves the honey on the table and finally after a week our eyes meet.

Shit, she looks so pale, dark circles under her red eyes, chipped lips, I can even practically see her facial bones. To my surprise she doesn't look annoyed or angry. She just glances at me tiredly, as if she had quit living.

My piercing gaze on the other hand is anything but calm and sympathetic. She's clearly sick, something's eating her alive and instead of sharing her concerns with me she stays away?

Our eye contact lasts only for a few seconds but it's strong enough to show my restrained rage.

She realizes it immediately, averts her gaze and leaves like the coward she is.

''This weekend I'm leaving on an unexpected business trip'' my father announces and takes a sip of his coffee right after

''Again? You were on a business trip last week'' my mother fires back

''Do you think it's up to me? For your information I'd rather stay home and relax with my family''

''I don't mean it's your fault I just...''

''You make me feel terrible every time I have to tell you about a businesstrip. I can't talk to my family without restrictions anymore Christen''

''Ok I'm sorry don't get mad'' my mother lowers her eyes and apologises quickly before my father gets more angry.

Sometimes I admire my dad. He's so manipulative but not in a bossy way, he always prevails upon my mother with sensible arguments, voice laced with sweetness.

He's so diplomatic, no doubt he has built such a great career

''Darling why are you not eating?'' my mother remarks as I fiddle with the spoon. The bowl of granola cereals is untouched.

''I have no appetite. I have to go to school anyway, I'm late'' I pretendto study my watch and stand up

''Do you want me to come with you?'' my father suggests

''Nο it's ok I can walk''

''Skye are you sure everything's ok?'' I hear my mother's voice as I head towards the living room to grab my backpack.

''I'm fine mum I just didn't sleep well. See you later''

As I'm about to exit alone Ruby appears out of nowhere. Her body posture screams nervousness.

''You didn't eat your breakfast'' she speaks quietly biting her already chopped lips

She's been avoiding me for a week and now she pretends to be a thoughtful friend. She made me feel depressed, cry myself to sleep thinking what the hell I did wrong and now she plays dumb?

I just stay still without answering, my intense eyes glued to her wandering ones. She doesn't even dare to look at my eyes.

She clears her throat ''Here''she takes a fresh hand-made sandwich out of her pocket and extends her hand. I eye her hand without moving an inch.

''You can eat it instead. You look like a sceleton'' I spit my venom and walk out of my house without sparing her a glance.

It was too late when I realized what I had said.

''I love spaghetti but my mother never cooks. My dad says she cooks terrible but that's a secret'' Grace's friend Lisa whispers and pretends to seal her lips. She's so cute.

''Don't worry your secret is safe''

She nods and digs into her food again. Under other circumstances I wouldn't have cooked but today Susan picked up both Grace and Lisa so I couldn't disoblige her. Her puppy eyes gave me enough courage to get up and cook even though I'm still in a cast.

The three of us are sitting in the dining table and enjoying my home-made bolognese spaghetti. I was never good at cooking, I couldn't cook to save my life to be exact but I had to learn how for Grace. So I practiced and practiced till I reached my goal, I didn't want to become the new master chef, just learn how to cook some basic things so that Grace eats home-made food. In the beginning I would constantly fail but practice makes perfect.

''Eat your veggies as well girls'' I gesture at the bowl of salad.

They both nod like good girls and do as I say. They're so freaking adorable. Lisa has short black hair with bangs and chocolate brown eyes. She's small but taller than Grace. She comes by often, most of the times I pick her up from school as well since Grace and her are classmates.

Her favorite foods are spaghetti, steak with baby potatoes and vegetable fried rice. Let's not forget my signature fruit smoothie which I always serve with vanilla frosting cupcakes.

We always sit and eat together, exchanging news, telling jokes. I really enjoy their interactions, they look like two tiny dumplings.

"What did you do in school today?" I ask intertwining my fingers

"We drew our dream gardens, mine has a huge swimming pool" Lisa hurries to answer

"Mine has a plenty of colorful flowers and a big telescope on the center to admire the stars. And the Sky. Sky as we say Skye" Grace jokes shyly, puffing her flushed cheeks. Lisa bursts into a laughter once she gets the joke.

"Good one Grace" I wink at my little sister who resembles a puppy waiting for a praise.

After a while we're finally done with the food. I really missed cooking and eating my own food, Susan cooks pretty decently as well but I was craving so bad for some of my spaghetti.

''Did you enjoy your meal girls?'' I eye the empty plates

''Yeah!''they both cheer

''Go to play now while I prepare your fruits''

The two small kitties obey and walk towards the room wiggling their small butts. I can't help but chuckle at them.

My eyes land on the dirty dining table as I sigh disappointed, washing the dishes is definitely the worst part of cooking and eating. No matter how much I enjoy preparing food and trying new recipes, the process of cleaning after is terrible. I'm going to wash the dishes later I think and slowly proceed to my big kitchen to cut fruits for the girls, my hands holding the crutches tight.

Being on my feet isn't the best idea whatsoever but tomorrow I'm having my cast removed so my ankle is pretty much healed.

I go for strawberries, bananas and pears and also pick two colorful bowls.

As I already mentioned tomorrow I'm having my cast removed. My stomach twitches in anticipation. Will he be there? Two weeks have passed but I still find myself thinking of him before sleeping even though the picture of him is blurry and distant. Just a memory, a distant picture of him is enough to keep me up at night...

I brush away these thoughts and throw the fruits into the bowls, adding some honey on top and voila! A quick and healthy sweet fruit salad.

"Girls come on" I yell and wait for the two little ones to arrive, trying to distract my mind from unwanted thoughts.

What I know for sure is that tomorrow is a big day....

"You're finally able to walk again, I'm so happy'' Susan cheers and hugs me tight as we exit the hospital. Unfortunately I didn't have my cast removed by the pretty doctor, he didn't even appear to be exact.

Disappointed but not suprised

The young cute nurse was there though, she recognized me and even greeted me, I was THIS close to ask about him but my pride didn't allow me.

''How are you feeling?'' Her hand strokes my back

''Weird'' I respond eyeing my healed ankle ''I was used to walking on crutches''

Indeed last 2 weeks I would only walk using my crutches, they had become a part of my routine. I certainly feel better now though, well-rested,healthy, ready to return to reality.

''Let's go, I'm treating you to brunch.. There are so many things we have to catch up on after''

''W-what do you mean?'' I stutter scared because I have a feeling that I already know her answer

''Shopping therapy of course''

Oh no...

''Susan are you kidding I just removed my cast''

''Sweetheart you know I wouldn't drag you along unless I had a reason. Next Tuesday is Yoongi's birthday party, we have to get our outfits''

''Yoongi's birthday...'' I scratch my sculpt looking at her sheepishly''I totally forgot, I'm sorry''

''It's ok, you're coming anyway''

''What about-''

''Taehyung's gonna take care of your sister don't worry'' she cuts me off as if she had read my thoughts

I nod, it's rude to deny the invitation

''Yoongi's friends are really handsome and some of them are single so don't think you're getting off. We have to find a cute outfit for you as well... now let's eat'' I roll my eyes but agree rubbing my stomach that hasn't stopped rumbling and finally get in her car .

''It's stunning'' I examine the purple midi dress Susan's holding. The material is silk, it appears glamorous, expensive and the embellished straps detail completes the look.

''Should I try it on?'' she hesitates

''Of course, purple looks amazing on you'' That's true, the contrast between her ginger hair, green eyes and the purple colour is definitely unique. Purple flatters every single of her characteristics.

''Let's find something for you'' her eyes wander around the store

''I gained weight these days so I should go for something baggy''

''No Skye, you should go for something sexy yet sick that emphasizes your cleavage. Your boobs got bigger, thankfully'' she whispers the last word and rolls her eyes

''Susan'' I whisper yell covering my breasts with my hands ''Did they?'' I rethink my friend's comment. Indeed I've noticed a slight development. This whole weight gaining story had a positive result at least.

Once I realise where my hands are and how the rest of the customers look at me probably thinking I'm a horny pervert I instantly lower them and grab the first dress I lay my eyes on.

''This one is perfect yes'' Susan practically runs towards me ''It's very elegant and the lace detail makes it sensual. You're definitely trying it on''

I take a closer look at the dress I picked out on random. It's certainly cute, off shoulder, midi, black with lace but tight as hell

''Isn't it way too tight? I think it's gonna accentuate every single bloated part of my body''

''Try it out you have nothing to lose. Besides the party is in 5 days, you have plenty of time to search for a dress''

''There's no way I'm going through this again. It's either today or I'm coming wearing my Pjs'' I announce and make my way to the fitting rooms determined. I can hear Susan mumbling a few curses, probably blaming me for being grumpy and stubborn.

''Excuse me'' an assistant approaches us

''There's only one fitting room available. I'm afraid you have to wait for a while''

''No problem, Susan you go first''

''Are you sure?''

I nod and sit in the comfortable blue chair that matches the rest of the decoration and furnishings of the store.

This showroom is excellently designed, the minimal yet eccentric blue décor casts an air of originality as the majority of stores follow a consistent pattern. No wonder it's Susan's favorite showroom, modern decor, excellent service and the clothing here is feminine, figure-friendly just like the dress I'm holding.

I'm so absorbed in gaping at the interior decoration that I don't notice my friend standing in front of me.

''Hey, earth to Skye'' she wiggles her fingers in front of my face

''Sorry'' I take my time studying her figure. ''I really like it. It's ideal for your body type and the colour is gorgeous''

The violet silk dress looks perfect on her, the semi tight fit shows up her toned silhouette, the swarovski embellished spaghetti straps together with the V neck flaunt her beautiful collarbones.

''I think it looks lovely too'' the cheerful, helpful assistant comments

''Yeah I like it'' she stares at the mirror

''You can use that fitting room'' the girl gestures at an empty room smiling. How are they always so kind and happy?''It's free now''

''Thank you'' I smile back and give a long sigh standing up from the soft chair.

Reluctantly I undress myself and wear the cute midi dress. It's tight but not as much as I expected. Well it's not that bad after all, I still need Susan's opinion though and a closer look in the big mirror. A few seconds later I'm out and heading for the mirror.

''Wow'' Susan talks ''It looks... stunning''

The dress hugs my body flawlessly, emphazising my curves. The off-shoulder design is very cute but sexy at the same time because my cleavage is shown off perfectly and I'm not even wearing a push up bra. I never thought I'd look that attractive in a dress.

''It fits you like a dream. You're definitely buying it'' Susan insistsand the assistant agrees

It's elegant yet sexy. Sexy in a non provocative way since it shows off only the right places.

''I think I'm getting this one'' I finally decide and Susan winks excitedly

''Hurry up we have to go for heels as well''

''Heels? Ha''  A humorless laugh leaves my lips

''You're laughing? What are you planning to wear with this dress then?'' she crosses her arms.

Her question catches me off guard but I act cool ''Flats? I don't care, anything but heels''

She laughs sarcastic lifting a shaped eyebrow ''Flats? If you plan to wear flat shoes on my husband's party I inform you that you're not invited''

I simply pout, my eyes pleading for mercy

''Come on Skye it's a party, a bussines kinda party you don't have to walk or dance. You can deal with heels under these circumstances I'm sure''

''Okay'' I sigh defeated meeting her gaze. There's no point in agruing, she's right I need heels with the apparel I chose.

''Hurry up then'' she scolds and enters the fitting room.

Have I mentioned how much I hate shopping with my best friend?

[lunasxsol]

Love Like This

Bill Skarsgård x Reader

Word Count: 2194

Warnings: Abortion

(A/N: If you do not believe a woman should have a choice on her body then you can fuck off thank you vm. On another note I hope you enjoy this angsty fic. I just had this idea lingering in my mind so it’s here now..)

As I sat in the waiting room dreading my name being called, I looked at the other women that look terrified to go into one of the rooms. Some of them came alone as myself and others came with their significant others or friends. A nurse had brought over a clipboard with some paper I had to sign. I was so nervous I couldn't keep my hands from shaking, I felt like I was going to pass out. Someone took my hand in theirs, I look up to see my best friend Maia. She took me in her arms as I silently cried.

"It's okay, I'm here."

"I thought I was gonna have to go through this alone."

She shook her head taking the clipboard from me, "I would never let you do this alone. Now you sit and calm down and I'll fill this for you okay?" I nodded taking a drink from my water.

Once she finished filling out the forms she handed them back to the nurse and we waited to be called over.

"Y/n L/n"

I got up quickly as did Maia, "You'll be alright, I'll wait here." She gave me a hug and a quick kiss on the head."

"Alright hun lets get you prepped." The nurse said as she took me to one of the operating rooms.

After 15 mins the procedure was finally done, they took me to the recovery room where Maia sat on the couch waiting for me. The nurse, Stella, handed me a cup of water and some pain meds before she went back to her office.

"You okay?" I nodded laying on the bed, Maia took my hand in hers. "He called." I stayed quiet not carrying what he had to say. "He called me too, I didn't pick up."

"Maia, I don't care anymore. I needed him here more than anything and he left me." My eyes started watering once again. "We'd been together for two years and he couldn't respect my one difficult decision. He can go to hell for all I care."

We stayed quiet for a while until the doctor came back and discharged me. Maia took drove us home, I thanked her for being there for me, "I'm going to sleep early today, goodnight Maia." She nodded.

I went into my room shutting the door quickly, taking a seat on my bed and letting myself cry. Maybe if we had gone through this conversation differently then maybe he would've respected my decision.

[Flashback]

I looked at the pregnancy test that read PREGNANT in its bold letters. What the hell was I gonna do? I'm only 19, I'm still enrolled in the uni. I have so much ahead of me. I can't put it aside, I've worked too hard for it.

"Hey babe!" Bill spoke as he walked into my room. "So my parents are having a celebratory dinner for Alexander- hey what's wrong?" He turned me around and I handed him the test. "Hey its alright, we'll figure this out."

I shook my head, "I'm not ready."

He pulled me into a hug sighing, "Neither am I but we can do this. You have me.. till the end."

"No you don't understand.. I'm not ready, I can't have a baby right now, Bill."

"So what you're going to give it up?" I nodded. "You're kidding right?"

"Bill, we aren't ready. Do you not get it?" I threw the pregancy test in the trash brushing past him and taking a seat on my bed. "Your body isn't going to go through the entire change. I am not you. You get to walk around and continue to do your shit while I go to class carrying the child and getting called a whore for opening my legs at a young age. So yes I am going to give it up because I'm too fucking young to have a child."

"Fuck them, you shouldn't give a fuck of what other people say about you. God knows I don't so neither should you."

I chuckled, "My parents sacrificed so much so they can send me here to study at the uni of my choice, I'm not messing it up because of our fuck up."

"So what our child is a fuck up now?" He was red with anger.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way but if you loved me you would respect my decision."

"I love you (Y/n but I'm sorry, I don't agree with it. So whatever you're thinking of doing to our 'fuck up' you can do it alone." He left slamming the door loudly leaving me completely alone.

[End of flashback]

I sat up turning the tv on to have some sort of background noise. There was a knock at my door I groaned not wanting to see Maia or anyone at the moment. "Maia I'm okay, I just want to sleep."

The door was opened and a tall figure had walked in.

"Hey."

"Get out."

"I'm sorry."

"Get the fuck out." He didn't listen and instead kept coming closer. "Bill seriously get the fuck out."

"I need to talk to you."

I chuckled, "Well if it's to try and change my mind you can kindly fuck off cause the procedures done and so are we."

"I know it's done and I should've been there." I finally looked up at him his eyes sunken and red. "I'm sorry, I should have respected your decision because it's your body. I was just happy that we were gonna have a baby. I thought you wanted one."

"I did, I do, just not now. Not till I was settled." He nodded both our eyes brimming with tears. "Bill I need a break, a really long break. You fucked up and I-I don't know anymore. Look I'm 19 you're 26, I don't want kids till I'm like 30 or maybe never I don't know. And well with the way you reacted it's evident you want kids now. I knew this relationship wasn't gonna last."

"Hey, hey, I do want kids but I can wait. Just don't-don't leave, please." He took my hand in his but I quickly moved it away.

I sighed now full on crying, "I'm sorry Bill but this isn't gonna work out. You can find someone your age that you can settle down with now. I still have years before I'll even remotely be sure if I want kids. By then you'll be in your mid 30s, which is besides the point but what if I don't want kids what will you do then?" He shrugged his shoulders crying silently. "I love you Bill but we can't be together anymore."

He got up pressing a lingering kiss on my forehead, "I'm sorry."

***

3 years later

Today was finally moving day. I had finished my studies in New York and I was moving back down to LA. My parents were a bit against it since we had lived there years ago but they hated it there but I loved it. I was moving down by the beach areas. Maia was staying here with her fiancé.

"Well Ms. those are the last of your boxes." I handed the movers a decent tip and they went on their way.

I turned to Maia as she was already getting emotional, "Hey no crying, it's bad for the baby."

She chuckled pulling me in for a tight hug, "Hey me and Rosalie are gonna miss you."

I pulled away immediately in shock, "it's a girl?" She nodded causing me to shriek in excitement. Tyler came into the room and I jumped on him. "Congrats!"

"We were actually wondering if you would like to organize the baby shower for us." Tyler spoke.

"Yes of course!"

"We wanted to do it in 4 months. Closer to her due date."

"Once I get everything situated in LA I'll get things prepped and fly back here to organize everything!"

There was a honk outside of our house.

"Well guys I will see you in 4 months!" I hugged them both goodbye and grabbed my suitcase getting into the taxi.

***

2 weeks later

I was finally getting the finishing touches to my new house down. I still had a bit of work left but everything was mostly good to go. Now I currently sat in my living room going through a couple of designs for tomorrow's meeting. With the help of one of my close celebrity friends he got me a job with Leah Valderia a famous singer from London. She wanted help with her house and of course I said yes. This could be a great opportunity for my interior design career.

It was getting late and I decided to call it a night. I would show her the designs I had and maybe go shopping with her for some of the things.

The next morning I made sure to wake up early. I took a quick shower to calm my nerves. For my outfit I decided on a corduroy skirt that was a creamy chocolate color and a black turtle neck that fit perfectly. I also went with a dark grey oversized blazer that was just an inch longer than my skirt, for shoes I went with some heeled ankle boots. I did some light makeup and left my hair in its regular straight style. I added just some thin gold necklaces just to bring the whole outfit together. I looked at the time and grabbed my purse and work folders quickly heading out of my house. Before leaving the lot I sent a quick text to Leah letting her know I was on my way.

The traffic to her mansion was horrible to say the least. Luckily I made it on time, I parked my car on the curb and jogged to her door. "Great you're here, please come in!"

Looking around I could definitely see some potential for this beautiful home, "So Y/n I'm so excited you're here. I'm hoping you can bring my vision to life!" We took a seat in her office and she opened her laptop sliding it towards me. She had quite the vision. "I will sure try."

We were in her office for two hours, let's just say she is completely indecisive about what she wants to do with this place. So beautiful and so much potential only her vision was nothing like mine. "So we can definitely do what you want to do and we can also add some color maybe open up these curtains here as well just to get some light and more open space."

"Great! Let me show you the nursery so you can kind of get an idea of what we can with it. This baby will be here in 3 months need to have it done before anything else."

"What are you having?"

"A girl! I'm so excited, I hope one day you get to experience how beautiful it is to carry a life."

I smiled not really knowing what to say I just nodded, "Hey honey, I'm home, brought the- Y/n?"

"Bill?"

"You guys know each other?"

"We-"

"I-"

"We dated years ago."

"Oh?" Leah looked down. "Is she?" Bill only nodded.

"I'm sorry, I'm gonna go. I can send you an email of other designers if-"

Leah shook her head, "No I love your work, that's why I called in for you. This thing you and Bill had is in the past so I would still like to work with you if that's alright."

I nodded, "Well I'll email you some of the ideas I have then we can get started immediately. I'll be back in a week?"

"Perfect."

"Well I'll see you Leah, beautiful house you have here."

Bill set his things down, "I'll walk her out." Leah only nodded.

My car was only a block away but as we walked it felt like it was miles away. "Congratulations." I broke the silence.

"Thank you." He smiled.

"I told you, you would find someone to make you happy. Look at you, you're gonna have a baby."

"Yeah, I'm really happy, but I'm still really sorry about what happened between you and I. I'm sorry we didn't work out and I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me the most. I should have been there for you."

I sighed trying not to cry, "It was a bit traumatizing, having the procedure done is weird and horrible but it had to be done. I don't think I would've been happy if we went through with the pregnancy. I never want to be resentful towards a kid that wasn't at fault you know." He nodded. "I went to therapy after we broke up, got back on my feet and now I'm okay with it. I'm happy for you and happy that you're with someone that can give you the life you deserve."

He pulled me in for a hug giving me a kiss on the forehead, "I love you Bill Skarsgård."

"I love you too Y/n L/n and I wish you nothing but the best."

[steamingramyun]

perfect ; xmh.

summary ➷

you’re getting ready for a date you don’t really want to go on. luckily, minghao, your college sweetheart, is always there to cheer you on. 

pairing ➷

xu minghao x fem reader feat. jeon wonwoo

genre ➷

oneshot, angst, fluff

just a little.... bit of sadness. 

word count ➷

3696 words

alternative universe ➷

non-idol au, college sweethearts.

warnings ➷

major character death, illusions, and memories due to grief.

author’s note ➷

i read something like this a while ago, about someone holding on to their ex’s memory and i decided to write it for minghao since anon wanted a sad!minghao fic.. this one rly hit me in the feels when i wrote it like i kid u not i was crying in my pants at 3am in the morning. anyway, i hope you enjoy. 

--

[7 november 2019; 1 year after]

“isn’t this like, too much? i don’t know maybe it’s too seductive or something, maybe i look like i’m trying too hard? do i?” you said nervously, turning to your side and pulling the hem of your dress down as you looked in the mirror. the light blue sundress came to just above your knee, exposing your legs. it had been an impulse buy on a shopping trip your friends had dragged you out on to “get some sun”. kind of ironic that you’d ended up with a sundress of all things. you’d paired the sleeveless dress with a pair of white tennis shoes, simple gold studs on your ears to match the gold anklet that curled around your right leg. 

“is it really too showy? it’s the first date anyway, maybe it’s too much right..” you bit your lip, letting out a deep breath and surveying your reflection. you turned towards the boy perched on your bed, who was looking up at you with a smile on your face. “well? is it?”

“you’re going out for lunch, right? you look perfect, baobei, like always,” he replied, almond-shaped eyes studying your outfit. “and you’re wearing the anklet i got you. definitely a winner.”

“i never take it off, hao-ah,” you touch the piece of jewelry gingerly, the charms smooth on your fingers. you stop at the infinity sign charm, sighing with a sad smile. 

[12 december 2017; 11 months before]

“it’s an infinity sign, i put it there because i wanted you to know that i’ll be by your side for an infinite number of days,” minghao said shyly, blushing as you looked at him from across the couch. “wow, is this xu minghao being cheesy? where’s my camera i need to record this,”

it had been a lazy night in for the two of you, but minghao had come home and surprised you with a beautiful gold anklet with all your favourite things on it. you loved it, of course, but your boyfriend really wasn’t one for cheesy gifts or anything cheesy for that matter. if you weren’t lying on the couch with your feet in his lap, you’d have pinched his cheeks for how cute he was being. 

“shut up, y/n,” he pouted, a deep red blush continuing to creep up his cheeks at your comment. you only grinned wider. “oh my gosh hao, you’re blushing, you cheesy hoe,”

instead of a pout this time, though, you got a mischievous grin from your boyfriend as he began tickling your feet. you yelped, giggling uncontrollably and jerking your feet away from him although it proved useless once he’d moved up and begun attacking your side and neck. you’d never laughed more in your life than you had that night. 

“still. you always look perfect,” he said in his usual calm, matter-of-fact tone, leaning back against the pillows, “well i mean unless you’re covered in purple cupcake frosting,”

his too-long bangs fell into his eyes as he burst into a new fit of laughter. you almost instinctively told him to shut up and get his bangs trimmed, but bit back as a smile formed on your face. his bangs were always too long, and you always loved seeing him smile. even if it was about an unfortunate event involving your niece’s school bake sale and the frosting that you’d made for the cupcakes. “we don’t talk about that. it was one time,”

“sure we don’t. but remember our first date? you showed up in a denim jacket even though it was like, boiling outside,” he teased, pushing his bangs out of his face and adjusting the blanket around his legs. “i could tell you were dying, your cheeks were flushed. but it was cute so i didn’t say anything,”

you wrinkled your nose at him, crossing your arms. “i only wanted to impress you! i was going on a date with a dance major, y’all are overly fashionable and put together for no good reason! i was pressured. but then of course you went and showed up in just a plain t-shirt and jeans and ended up looking like a mf GOD.”

you pouted at him through the mirror, watching him shake his head and pat the spot on the bed next to him. you plop down on it readily, letting out a big sigh. “i’m nervous, what if he hates me once we're on the date itself. like he’s cute but it’s kind of weird that we met at grief support group.. plus it's even weirder that we’re going to the theme park after lunch, right?”

for a few moments, minghao didn’t reply. the theme park was somewhere special for the two of you and had been a fortnightly affair back when you were in your second semester of college because of how close it was to your school. you hadn’t been there for nearly a year though since it had been too much of a hassle and too tiring to go for him after he'd gotten sick. “i think you should just go and have fun, babe,”

“but hao - he’s not you-”

“don’t say that,” minghao interrupted, his tone going serious as he looked at you with piercing eyes. minghao always had a sort of finality and sureness about what he said, and you met his gaze nervously before he continued. “you’re beautiful. you were perfect for me and if this guy doesn’t see you the way i did then i think he’s an idiot. so stop second-guessing yourself and just have fun.”

“but-“ you hesitate for a moment, but his eyes don’t leave yours and you end up giving in to him, sighing in defeat. “fine, okay,”

you get off the bed and go into the bathroom, finishing up your makeup and instinctively brushing pale red eyeshadow onto your eyelids, it'd always been minghao's favourite colour on you. 

finishing your hair in a ponytail, you walk out with a wide grin on your face but look down only to see your ex-boyfriend asleep, his chest rising and falling rhythmically with each breath. your smile fell a little as you watched him, memories of the past you both had shared still fresh in your head. 

you were still undeniably in love with him, sith the way his slightly-too-long hair fell in his face in the mornings when you both woke up, with the way his eyes crinkled up and disappeared when he smiled too wide, with how he'd always spend too much time choosing an outfit in the mornings for dance practice and asking you if it was dancer-y enough, with his intense passion for everything he did and loved. you loved how the two of you used to go on spontaneous dates, to the beach near your campus at 2 in the morning or to the convenience store when you were craving ramen and ice cream. you loved how easy, how effortless being in love with minghao had been, even when it had gotten tough on the two of you in the last months when his situation had taken a toll on the both of you. all you wanted was him, everything about him, and it was all you'd have ever needed in life. but clearly that wasn't the way the universe willed it to be for you. 

if you were being honest, you didn't even know why you were going on this date. but everyone was forcing it on you, they'd been forcing it on you for over a month. your friends sent you tinder profiles and screenshots of eligible classmates' instagram accounts. they all felt it was time for you to find someone new- it had been almost a year, after all. but you'd been asked out by wonwoo two days ago at the support group, and the two of you had actually been getting along quite well. as an added bonus, he was an economics major at your school so the two of you had been getting quite close over the past few weeks, spending time studying together and eating lunch together in between classes. but somehow.. you still felt hesitant. 

"hao! i'm ready," you call, waking minghao from his short nap. "and i'm twenty minutes early."

he blinked at you tiredly, smiling at how pretty you looked before shooting you a mischievous grin. "you always were too early," 

his light teasing made you want to push him as he mischievously pulled the blankets all the way up until only his eyes and the top of his head were exposed, eyes crinkling at the corners as he giggled once more. you went for it but then hesitated, watching him as he calmed down and pushed the blankets down again.

“hao…” you said softly, looking down at him.

he opened one cat-like eye at you, intrigued and attentive. “yes, baobei?”

“i think- i think i still love you,” you admitted shamefully, tears filling your eyes and trickling down your cheek as you clasped your hands tightly, knuckles turning white from the force, "and i don't know if i'm ready to let go of you just yet."

shaking his head, he sat up before meeting your eyes and smiling sadly at you with an odd sort of familiar fondness. "i love you too, Y/N, i always will. but don’t cry for me anymore, okay? you can move on too, i want you to be happy. don't cry for me anymore.”

you don't know what to say, silently staring into space but eventually turning back into the bathroom to fix your make-up. you finished it, walking back out only to be greeted by minghao's proud smile. "you look beautiful. like always," 

even if you had no make-up on, or were wearing the world's most horrifying pair of patterned pants, minghao always thought you were beautiful. and he always told you so, no matter what.

[20 september 2018; 3 months before.]

you'd been working on your essay for the past hour or so, sitting in the padded chair next to minghao's bed as you waited for him to wake up. you were halfway through your third point when you'd heard the sheets shift next to you. 

"y/n.. you're still here? you have class tomorrow, baobei, go back to your dorm and get some real sleep, please, the visitor's chairs are very uncomfortable," he said tiredly, eyes half open and hand squeezing yours gently. you tried not to show how worried you were about how cold his hand felt in yours. 

"i- it's okay, at least here i can look like a mess without the nurses judging me, right? if i go back to school i'll have to do my makeup to look decent," you said quickly, not wanting to leave his side yet. you did look like a mess, your hair in a bun, still wearing your clothes from the dance practice you'd run from and lipstick cracking because of the dry hospital air. it probably wouldve been a good idea to go home, but you couldnt bring yourself to do it. you watched as he frowned slightly, obviously not wanting you to waste your time or cause you to lose precious sleep and rest by making you stay with him. 

"you still look beautiful, baobei, you'll always look beautiful to me. but you'll be more grateful if you go back and get some real sleep okay? i'm not going anywhere anytime soon," he joked, gesturing to himself and the iv needle poking out from his elbow. "so go back, get some rest, and come here even more beautiful for me,"

and so you'd gone home that day, but returned every day after you classes. minghao'd stopped going to his two months before.

you smiled at him as confidently as you could, tightening your ponytail and grabbing your handbag. "i guess i'm ready, huh?" 

minghao nodded in affirmation at you, pulling back the covers to reveal the black cotton dance pants he always wore to practice but had also taken to wearing to bed because they were so comfortable. he slipped his feet into the slippers you still kept around for him under your bed, standing up and going out of your room and to the downstairs part of your apartment. 

you quickly followed his figure down, butterflies of anxiety filling your stomach and chest. when you got downstairs, minghao was on the couch, bottom half covered with one of your many extra blankets and a book in his hand, reading intently like you'd always see him when you got back from school.

[15 october 2018; 50 days before.]

"good evening, baby," you called to your boyfriend who was in his usual spot on the couch, a cup of tea on the table and a book in his hand. he looked exhausted, skin slightly pale and cold, a stark contrast from the healthy glow you remembered from months ago. "how do you feel?" 

"tired," he said softly, leaning into your neck as you came to sit with him, "and a little sick, but better now that you're back here," 

you felt bad, ever since minghao had started treatments you'd always tried to be back early so you could go with him. but that particular day you had a dance class to teach at night and couldn't make it, so your friend jun had offered to go with minghao instead. you felt guilty because you knew how sick treatments made minghao feel, but you also knew he was far too stubborn to let the bad feelings show if it meant compromising your own routine and activities. that night the two of you had just cuddled on the couch, falling asleep together to harry potter and the goblet of fire playing in the background. 

"babe? i'm still nervous. i can't shake it," you approached, sitting down on the other couch and lacing up your shoes. this time he really didn't reply at all, only shaking his head and looking up at you meaningfully. you know what he would've said, he'd told you everything earlier. 

"i'll come visit you later, okay?" you promised, standing up and slipping your wallet and phone into your handbag. he waved you off, "no need, i'll be fine."

you sighed. he'd always been the one to pay you visits when you needed them the most, though. 

[6 april 2018; 8 months before.]

you ran your hand through your hair again, gently massaging your scalp in attempt to relieve the gnawing headache that had been plaguing you for the past two hours. finals season was absolutely brutal, and you couldn't tell how long you'd been studying but you were far from sanity and could barely digest any more information. 

a knock on your door pulled you from your desk, and you nearly melted with relief when you saw a smiling minghao holding a takeaway tupperware of noodles and a box of fruits for you. "i heard someone was being killed by the exam monster," 

he'd calmed you down that night, making sure you finished all your food and rubbing your shoulders with traditional medicated oils to relieve the tension in your head and neck. the next day, you'd done the exam with a clear head and passed with flying colours. 

you couldn't do the same for minghao now, but the least you could do was pay him a visit like you knew he would have done for you. even if it was after a date. 

putting his book down, he gave you the same stern look as he had earlier. "baobei, you know you can let me go right? you don't have to keep holding on like this. you're strong, i know you can. maybe you'll be happier when you do,"

"no. i don't want to," you retorted quickly, snapping a little. he did nothing but sigh in response. "then i guess you're going to be late for your date,"

you looked over to the clock and nodded, slinging your handbag over your shoulder and looking at him expectantly. "well? you're coming too, right?" 

he sighed again, but rose from the couch anyway and slipped on his pair of dance shoes you kept in the shoe cabinet next to the door. you walked out of your apartment together, taking the elevator down and walking out onto the almost-empty street of your campus- it was the new year season and everyone had gone home to their families, but you were a foreign student and wonwoo lived too far away from campus to go home. 

"i hope wonwoo's nice.. from what interaction we've had he seems pretty chill," you chimed, trying to break the tension that was growing between minghao and you. 

"i think he'll be great," minghao replied quickly, "and i'm sure the two of you will make a great couple, i know he'll make you happy," 

you pulled a smile onto your face, but it was far from genuine. minghao could tell. of course he could tell, he'd been with you for years. but as much as he knew you didn't want to be on this date, he knew it'd be good for you to try some chance at love again. 

the two of you finally arrived in front of the small café you'd agreed to meet wonwoo at, but instead of going in you stopped at the entrance hesitantly. "hao? i can't go, i just can't."

"y/n, this is for the best okay? you like wonwoo, from what you said i know he likes you too," minghao sighed, "this is why i shouldn't have come, how many times do i have to tell you to let go?" 

"i know, but i just-" you say desperately, but you don't know what to say anymore. you know he's right, you know everyone is right by telling you to move on. 

"i can't keep being here for you, baobei,"

"i love you minghao,"

silence. another deep sigh. 

"i know you do," 

a pause. silence. more tension. and then, finally, "y/n, i need to go,"

you panicked immediately, head shooting up in shock as you begged him to stay. "what? no, no no no, minghao you can't go anywhere, you have to stay here with me, you have to stay with me," 

you reached for his wrist but he was too fast for you, pulling away before your fingers could touch his skin.

"minghao you can't leave me, please,"

"i have to go,"

"you can't, i need you!" 

but he didn't reply. there were tears in your eyes, tears that were hot with anger and pain and grief and guilt all at the same time. tears threatening to spill down your cheeks, but he didn't reply even then, only walking further away from you. 

"minghao, please. minghao you cant leave me again!" you said helplessly, your voice raised, drawing attention to yourself. you felt the concerned gazes of passers-by on you as you panickedly looked around for minghao's tall figure, but he was nowhere to be seen. he was gone. 

"hao, i can't do this without you," you whispered helplessly to the air. "i need you to be in my infinity," 

"you can. you can and you will. you're everything anyone could ever want,, y/n you're perfect," you hear minghao's soft voice echo in your head. you freeze, letting a single tear fall and trickle down your cheek. "you're perfect no matter what," 

you shook your head again, denying it. "i can't let you go, i can't,"

but then you could've sworn you felt his hand in yours, warm and full of life again. the same hand you'd held through thick and thin that had grown colder and paler but was now back to the state it had been in when you'd first met. the hand that had kept you strong for years. 

"you can. and you will be happy for years and years to come and then we will meet again. i promise," you rubbed the tear from your cheek, listening to his voice for the last time in your head. you knew he was right, you knew he was right just like all of your friends. you'd spent months avoiding people because you'd thought that you had all you needed at home, that the memory of a love you'd lost was always going to be enough for you. but he was gone, he'd become a star in your night sky and it finally became real to you that he wasn't there anymore, and it was high time that you move forward with your life. 

you could see his smile in your head, the smile you'd woken up to on countless mornings and fallen asleep to on countless nights. you thought you'd be lost without him, to guide you, relying on a memory to get you through the pain. but as you looked through the window of the café and saw wonwoo smiling at you, sitting at a table for two with two cups of iced coffee in front of him, you knew it was okay. 

minghao wasn't here anymore. but it was okay. 

"i'll see you soon, hao-hao," you whispered with finality as you walked into the café and waved at wonwoo. xu minghao had been the best thing that had ever happened to you. and you knew it would take a while, but for him, you had to try to learn to be happy with someone else. 

so you take your seat from across wonwoo, and smile brightly at him. "hey, wonwoo, sorry to keep you waiting so long,"

"no, it's fine, i heard from soonyoung that today's actually a difficult day for you,, not a very first date question but it's your ex-boyfriend's birthday isn't it? the one you come to support group for,"

"it is, but i figured he'd want me to have fun today instead of wasting it alone at home feeling sad," you pause for a second, "he passed away a year ago, actually. he, um, got sick when we were in our junior year of college together," 

wonwoo smiled and nodded at you, listening to what you had to say. "i'm glad you decided to finally take a chance, y/n," 

"yeah," you smiled back, sipping on your coffee with newfound lightness on your shoulders. "yeah, me too, wonwoo,"

[ridiculousravenclaw]

The Life of Elara Ware : Chapter 2

Elara sat on her butterfly patterned bedsheets, a heavy leather bound book in her lap. She was studying alchemy this year and wanted to get a basic understanding of it before school started. She was lost in concentration when her bubble of thought was burst by light tapping at her window. She looked up to see a shabby brown owl rapping its beak against the glass. She smiled. "Hi Errol". Elara crossed her room and opened the window. The old bird half hopped, half collapsed inside. Looking out her window Elara saw it was now starting to get dark. The sun retreated below the horizon casting shadows of deep orange and red across the sky. It was a beautiful summer's evening, a light breeze provided respite from the unforgiving heat of the day. Errol lazily nipped at her hand letting out an exasperatedly quiet hoot. "Sorry boy, here" She detached the tightly rolled parchment from his leg then opened the empty bird cage perched on top of her drawers, gesturing for him to go inside. Errol happily obliged helping himself to water. The Wares family owl Alizeh had to stay in Elaras room as her mother couldn't stand her hooting. But she was currently out hunting and Errol looked thankful for the hospitality.

Elara undid the scroll expecting to be greeted with another message from George, so she was surprised to find it wasn't his handwriting at all. 'Hello Elara. I know George has been in contact with you but I dont know exactly how much he's said or not said so I thought it best to write you myself. You are of course still welcome to come and stay tomorrow. Though I must warn you it'll be a bit of a tight squeeze. My eldest sons Bill and Charlie are home and are in the twins room meaning Fred and George are currently in with Ron and Harry. Oh yes, Harry's staying with us as well I hope you dont mind. You'll be in Ginnys room, but again, tight squeeze. We have Hermione staying in there too. I hope this is all okay with you. I've been told to expect you by flu powder at about 11. Our house is called The Burrow, I don't know if George had said. Anyway it's all still a go is what I'm trying to say and we'll take you to Kings Cross as planned. Look forward to seeing you Molly Weasley'

Elara smiled. The note really was unnecessary but she couldn't blame Mrs Weasleys lack of trust in George giving her all the correct details. She quickly scribbled a reply on the back of the note. 'Thanks again Mrs Weasley this is really kind of you. 11 o'clock. Flu powder. I'll see you then'

It took some convincing and several treats but Elara finally managed to get Errol out of Alizehs cage and attach the note to his leg. She wasn't sure if Errol was quick enough to get the note to Mrs Weasley before tomorrow morning but it was worth a try. She sent him on his way then made her way downstairs to the living room. There she found her mother silently working her way through stacks of documents she had laid out on the sofa. Her long brown hair was wound into a messy bun on top of her head and her black rimmed glasses were perched on the end of her narrow, slender nose. She was wearing grey jogging bottoms and a light blue t shirt that hung off one shoulder. She was sat cross legged, brows furrowed in concentration. She hadn't noticed Elara walk in.

"Watcha doin?" Elara said. Her mother sent several pages scattered across the wooden floor as she jumped in surprise.

"Jeez sweet pea don't sneak up on me like that!"

Elara laughed and stepped forward to help as her mum started chasing papers around the room. "sorry. I wasn't aiming to scare you"

"yeah? then why are you laughing at me?" Her mother retorted as she tried to smack Elara on the backside with a recovered sheet. She tried to put on a disgruntled face but she couldn't hide her smile as her daughter dodged her attacks.

"hey! I'm helping!" Elara replied, smiling goofily back as she hopped out of her mothers reach.

"causing mayhem more like"

Elara folded her arms defiantly, a devious grin on her lips

"fine. I wont help then"

Elara put up her hands in mock surrender and started walking towards the door.

"hey! not so fast. This is your doing so you can come tidy you cheeky bugger"

Elara complied with an exaggerated curtsy as her mother started to reorganize the pages.

"honestly. all I came down for was to tell you I'm going to the Weasleys at 11. now you've got me clearing up like your personal slave" Elara put on her best dramatic sigh which made her mother chuckle.

"think how I feel. it took me ages to put all this in order now I've got to do it again"

"hmm, well if you will insist on throwing things around the house"

"oi!" her mother retorted but once again she couldn't stifle her smile.

"11 did you say?" She added after a moment.

"yup"

"how were you going to get there?"

"flu powder" then at the look of confusion on her mothers face she continued "that's the one where you travel through the fireplace. wosh" Elara flailled of her arms to illustrate.

"oh right. the one that scares me to death you mean?"

"that's the one"

"great!" Her mother gave her a double thumbs up but her eyes showed her disapproval. Elara rolled her eyes.

"mum how many times? it's safe. I've been using flu powder since I was 7. Everyone does"

Her mother sighed, nodding her head reluctantly "I know, I know"

They picked up the last few pages in lazy quiet before Elara went to kitchen to make them both a cup of tea. When she returned she found her mother staring into the currently empty fireplace like she was waiting for something. Elara silently stood by her side handing her a floral patterned mug. She looked at her mothers face obviously deep in thought. She looked almost upset. "mum?"

It was several moments before she answered.

"you know it doesn't matter how impressive and mystical and amazing all this is. Theres still a massive part of me that wished you took after me, not your dad."

Elara couldn't deny she felt offended, and it must've shown on her face

"no no that's not what I meant. Oh hunny your magics incredible and you make me proud every day. Please know that. It's just. I dont know. I can't lie. I'd be a lot less stressed if you just grew up to be a hairdresser or something. Something ordinary. Something risk free" Elara felt confused at the direction the conversation had taken. Quick to defend the life she loved so much she answered

"Well wheres the fun in that? mum I'm perfectly safe in the wizarding world. you must know that. it may still be weird to you but its who I am and its normal for us."

Her mother looked at her for a moment. Then smiled a strange, sad sort of smile. She started to say something, then stopped herself sipping on her tea instead. Elara could see a million thoughts spiraling behind her mothers eyes. Then, finally "yeah. yeah of course you are." Then without a word she turned and left.

As she stood alone in front of the mantelpiece, Elara had the feeling like she was missing something. Then a most unwelcome thought; that there was something her mother wasn't telling her. Her mother had always been a worrier. Fretted over her wellbeing day and night. It never bothered her. In fact Elara Ware had grown so used to her mothers fussing she almost didn't notice it anymore. But now that she stopped to think, since returning from school that summer it'd seemed to get a lot more frequent. Obsessively checking in on Elara through the day. Restricting when she could leave the house, not letting her go alone. At first Elara thought this was just her fear of her baby growing up. Now that she'd sat her exams, chosen a career path, got a boyfriend. But now she wasn't sure. Whatever it was, her mother was definitely upset by it.

The next morning Elara woke up later than she wanted to. She ran downstairs and inhaled some cereal so fast she was sure she must have set a new world record. Then back upstairs for a hurried shower, which unsurprisingly resulted in shampoo in her eyes. Swearing repeatedly and dripping water onto the tiles as she went. Elara stumbled blindly across her en suit reaching for a towel. cursing herself for not putting one out first. Quickly drying herself off she threw open her wardrobe, looking at her limited selection of clothes. most of it was packed in her trunk. She glanced out the window. It was raining and with the rain had brought cooler weather. She picked out her favourite pair of jeans and a loose white shirt with lace criss-crossed across the back.

It was only after she had triple checked her trunk, glancing at the clock and seeing she still had 30 minutes to spare, that Elara finally allowed herself to relax a bit. Mentally scolding herself for waking up late and turning her morning into a mad rush. She was gazing at her reflection in the mirror and without realizing found herself fussing with her hair. She couldn't explain why. Elara had never really cared what others though of how she looked before. Yet there she sat tucking her brown hair behind her ear, the pulling it forward, then tucking it back again. Perhaps it was the nerves of seeing her boyfriend again after weeks apart. After all they hadn't been dating that long when school ended for the holidays. Or perhaps it was the stress of meeting his whole family. But then again she already knew half of them. She may never have spent much time with Ron, Percy or Ginny but they were already acquainted. Then of course theres Fred. the twins came as a pack. you rarely get one without the other and she'd been going to school with them for 5 years.

She tried to shake the nerves, focussing instead on the thing she'd always liked about herself. She gazed into her eyes which were the only ones like them she'd ever known. Her right eye was a cool blue, like a river. Her left eye a pale light green flecked with yellow. The muggle doctors said it was a genetic condition with a weird name she could never remember. it didn't matter. Elara loved her eyes. they made her different. Different was good. She looked at the clock again. 20 minutes. She picked up her trunk which she'd played at the foot of her bed and began to haul it down the stairs.

"you'll write wont you"

"nah I won't bother I'll just leave you in suspense the whole year"

"Elara Ware!"

"I'm joking! I'm joking! C'mon mum I'm in my 6th year now. I'm a big girl. I'll be fine. and I'll be back before you know it."

Her mother sighed and pulled Elara into a bone crushing hug. "I know. I just worry" Elara chuckled "yeah funnily enough I've noticed"

Her mum ignored this "I love you" she mumbled into Elaras hair. "I love you too" Just then Elara noticed the time on the clock "ooh mum I've got to go. its time" Elara wriggled out of her mums grip and stepped into the fire place where her trunk was waiting. "mum the powder"

"oh yeah right"

Her mother grabbed a small clay pot from ontop of the book case. It was peculiar in shape, unpainted and unvarnished. Elara had very vague memories of making it at muggle school when she was about 7 years old. Inside was the floo powder. Elara grabbed a handful and offered one last smile to her mum. "Bye mum"

"Bye darling"

Elara dropped the floo powder onto her feet and shouted "The Burrow" With that she started to spin. Faster in faster as her living room dissolved into a blur of colour. But just before she lost sight of her mother completely she saw it again. The same sad look in her mothers eyes. She was trying to hide it but still it was unmistakably there. Why? what was Elara not understanding? Before she could even fathom the answer the spinning stopped. She was no longer in her living room. She stepped out onto a well worn rug to a wall of welcoming red headed smiles. and there standing the closest the one she was most excited to see. beaming the brightest of all "miss me?" Said George