#i didn’t even cry i wasn’t even sad i just sat there consumed with the feeling of

[animehideout]

LOVE IS THE MOST TWISTED CURSE OF THEM ALL

PART 10

Gojo Satoru x Fem! Reader

check out part 11 here ✨🆕

W.c: 3.4K+

not proofread ⚠️

a/n : Hi everyone, I'm back with another part yaaay, I hope you enjoy it. I need a good cry so I wrote this, where are my Angst enthusiasts at? this part is for you, but no worries I'll make it up for you I promise 😭🩵.

Music Suggestion 🎧 I highly recommend The Neighborhood - Softcore to match the sadness 🥲

You gradually regained your consciousness; you felt a dull throb in your head. You blinked slowly, struggling to focus, your surroundings initially a blur of shapes and colors that gradually sharpened into clarity.

You tried to move, to rub your temples but your heart beats quickened when you realized you were bound to a chair, your limbs securely tied with coarse ropes. Panic surged through your veins, your eyes widening as you struggled against your restrains, each tug to break free was met with resistance. Ropes tightly wrapped around your wrists and legs, a burning sensation, only serving to deepen your sense of helplessness.

“Fuck, fuck” you muttered.

Breathing heavily, your chest rising and falling in wild rhythm. You scanned the dimly lit room, searching for any sign of escape. But there was none, and you found yourself trapped in a nightmare worse than your reality.

Suddenly, a deep voice cut through the silence, coming from behind. A tone that sent shivers down your spine,

“No need to struggle princess”

The words dripped with menace. You were too scared to look behind not knowing what to face. You bit your lips that were quivering. From the shadow, he emerged. With hesitation you looked up to see the tall figure that concealed the dim light from you. His muscles taut beneath his shirt, a sly, dirty smirk tugged at the corners of his scarred lips. His dark black hair fell on his face gracefully, looking directly at your soul with his narrowed eyes. for a split second, you thought it was a more aggressive version of Megumi.

His presence, the way he stood in front of you, looking down at you sent a chill to your whole nervous system, making your breath hitch up.

“W-who are you? What am I doing here?”

He reached to grab your chin with his long fingers, forcing your head up to look at him.

“Shh-hh, don’t ask questions! Lemme introduce myself first” he paused, bringing another chair and sat right in front of you. “I’m sure you’ve heard about me…they probably warned you, I’m-”

“You’re Toji Zenin?!” you interrupted him

With a mocking tone, he leaned forward and said,

“I go by Fushiguro now! So don’t say Zenin ever again…so? Did you sleep well”

You stayed frozen in place, each inhale felt like shards of glass scraping down your throat. Consumed by fear, realizing that the man who’s been searching for you all around Tokyo, just to take your life away finally found you and was comfortably sitting in front of you. Your world narrowed, maybe it’s the end.

*flash back*

With a heavy weight in your heart, you left Jujutsu High in the dread of the night. Spending the night stargazing in the balcony wasn’t enough; you wanted to get completely detached so you left for some fresh air away, far away from Gojo.  The echo of what Gojo said to you still ringing in your ears. “you failed your family and now you’re failing everyone else in Jujutsu High” those words never left your mind.

“He’s right..I even failed myself” you muttered to yourself.

You walked through the streets, each step was a painful reminder that you’ve got nowhere to go, completely lost, nowhere and no one to turn to, feeling that you don’t belong anywhere. The darkness of the night enveloped you like a cloak. Your feet carried you to an unexpected place, standing in front of the big wooden door, you didn’t dare to knock, you just stood there in front of your parent’s house, memories flooding your mind. Maybe your parents were right for keeping you locked inside. Maybe someone like you was never meant to leave the safety of their house, maybe your parents knew that you would get hurt. But your family, who spent their life keeping you in the darkness of your room pushed you to marry a stranger, a man you never knew, never met; Gojo Satoru, just because of his good reputation, because he’s the strongest, maybe your parents thought he would keep you safe and will protect you, but he ended up slit opening a deep wound within you, once again awakening your trauma that you worked hard to learn how to live with.

“I was only a burden to everyone” you said to yourself,

You heard giggles so you stepped closer, peeking through the window. Your heart sank as you saw your family again, after so long. You didn’t know whether to feel happy or sad at their sight. Your parents and siblings, gathered together in the warm glow of the light. Carefree and content, laugher filling the air, a bittersweet melody to your ears. Their faces illuminated by smiles as they talked together.

You stood there, a silent observer on the outside looking in. A tear rolled down your cheek , a broken smile drawn on your face,

“They look happy without me”

You felt a sting in your chest,  loneliness washing over you again and again, it actually never left, loneliness was the only companion you had. It was as if you were peering into a world you had once knew, yet now felt completely disconnected.

History repeating itself, once again your family managed to make you feel like an outsider, a complete stranger. You felt as if you were a completely forgotten fragment of their life, a faded memory lost in the depth of time, as if you never been a part of their past.

Tears welled in your eyes as you turned away from the window, unable to bear the ache of being invisible to them your whole life. As you turned, you were met with a pair of glowing eyes looking directly at you, a tall masked figure that made you gasp , but before you could react, you got hit on your head with a metal bar…falling unconscious.

*End of flashback*

“Was that your parents house?” asked Toji

But you completely ignored his question, looking away from his intense gaze,

“What do you want from me?”

“Kill you, obviously… now answer my question..Was that your parents’ house?”

“Why does it matter to you?”

“As you can see, I feed on other’s suffering .. so it would be nice to learn more about your miserable past”

You frowned your brows in confusion,

“I had a normal, not miserable past" you lied, keeping your traumas to yourself,

“Oh hoho, let me guess, abused? Discriminated? No no ignored? That’s the right word… no one ever recognized you right? No one made you feel welcomed cuz you were different and people are scared of things that are different” he started

How did he know that? How did he know about your past? How could he describe what you've felt so accurately?

“N-no!” you lied again

“Come on don’t lie to me.. I know very well the face of someone who’s been discriminated their entire life for being  different”

“Have you met someone like that to judge so confidently?”

“No, but I look in the mirror everyday”

You looked at him in disbelief, you didn’t dare to say a word. Whatever he was trying to do, was successfully making you feel uncomfortable. Is he trying to torture you before taking your last breath away? But you already gave up, there’s no way you can escape this place, tied hands and legs, him sitting right across you., and probably no one would look for you.

“If you’re gonna kill me then do it already, and spare me from talking about the past”

“Woah, so you give up already? Who pushed you to your limits to the point that you greet death as an old friend?” he asked

“No one, just do it. This is what you captured me for.. SO DO IT” you yelled.

“Hm, interesting! I think I know where all of this is coming from..Gojo Satoru? Did your husband add to your trauma?”

“enough” you whispered weakly

“What? It must be hard to live with him; especially that he’s the strongest. Lemme guess! He made you feel weak at any given chance, reminding you again and again that you’re nothing” he said offensively pushing you to your edge.

“St-op”

“That’s what sorcerers do, they claim they protect the normal, oh I’m sorry the monkeys like us, but in reality they use their power to belittle us…and you’ll soon be like them, soon you’ll turn into your real form; a sorcerer with an immaculate power but ugly usage..and this is my chance to spare the world of the normal from your ugliness”

“What are you talking about? I’m no turning into a sorcerer-”

“What?”

“It’s been weeks and nothing happened, that prophecy they talked about was nothing but a big lie”

“But your curse-”

“Fate is my only curse” you said, your eyes blankly staring at him, completely worn out.

*Back at Jujutsu High*

Satoru’s eyes blazed with fury as he walked towards Mei Mei and grabbed her by the arm, his grip tight and violent. He yanked her aside aggressively,

“You! You’re the reason she’s gone” he spat with anger.

Mei Mei’s face etched with annoyance, narrowing her eyes at him,

“Don’t you dare blame me for this! It’s  your fault Gojo not mine” she fought back.

“You did that on purpose didn’t you? Leading me to your room cuz you know Y/n will be there, you’re trying your best to have me, but you can’t and you never will” he spoke through gritted teeth.

“You started this in the first place. You asked for my help to push Y/n away, and when I succeeded in giving you what you wanted, you started blaming me? Is this your way to say thank you?”

“I already told you to stop, I said that I no longer in need of your help that you got paid for, but you kept pushing, you wanted more than pushing Y/n away, you wanted me to be yours, but too bad for you, I don’t want you Mei Mei _ and if something happens to y/n I’ll end you! Do you understand ?” he threatened and turned his back to leave.

“Do you love her?” asked Mei Mei making Gojo stop in his track. “There’s only explanation for this, you fell for her Gojo: you fell for Y/n!”

A moment of silence washed over the place, making a hundred of thoughts flow in Gojo’s head. But he ignored her; he doesn’t have time to think about his feelings, when the one he has feelings for is missing because of him. So he started walking away to join the others and start their mission to find you.

…..

“We’ll split into three groups and cover as much ground as possible” suggested Gojo and all of them nodded in agreement.

“Megumi and Maki come with me” he added

“I’ll take Yuji-kun  and Panda” said Nanami

“Inumaki and Nobara you’ll go with principal Yaga” ordered Satoru

“What about Mei Mei, where is she? Isn’t she coming with us to look for Y/n-sensei?” asked Maki with suspicion, she never liked her anyway.

“I’ll go with you�� said Mei Mei as she joined them in the common room, “Let’s find y/n”

Satoru ignored her presence and left the room, the rest of them walked outside. Spreading across Tokyo streets, searching everywhere for a glimpse of you. Ready for any possible encounter with Toji Zenin.

Satoru walked with powerful step, determined to find Toji’s hideout and save you from his deadly grasp.

“We’ll find her..don’t worry Y/n is strong, she can definitely handle it” said Megumi in a comforting tone, after noticing how stressed Satoru was.

“I know… she’s strong” he finally admitted.

Hours stretched on into the night, Gojo and the other sorcerers students and teachers combed through each and every corner of the city.. every alleyway, every secluded spot that Toji could possibly use desperate to find her, but for nothing.

Despite their exhaustive efforts, the outcome remained unchanged; you’re nowhere to be found.

With heavy hearts and weary bodies they got back to Jujutsu High as principal Yaga called off the search.

*2 days later*

“The higher ups called for an urgent meeting” said Principal Yaga

“We’ll join the meeting!” said Yuji

“No it’s only for the teachers”

“NO! we care for Y/n-sensei, and maybe more than all of you! If this is about Y/n-sensei then we’re joining” said Yuji with a sad tone

With a sigh, principal Yaga nodded, guiding all of them to the meeting room.

*At the meeting room*

Tension hung in the air, faces drawn and expressions grim as they waited for one of the higher ups to speak,

“Any clue? Any hint? Any progress?” asked one of them.

All of them shook their heads in defeat, their silence spoke volumes, conveying their helplessness and the frustration of their failure.

“We expected nothing less from Toji Zenin, it’s already crystal clear-” he added coldly, his words cutting through the silence once again.

“We won’t give up! We’ll go back tomorrow and this time we bring her home and bring Toji to his trial again” said Gojo in fraustartion, his words dripping with venom.

“You’ve been looking for two days but for vain, there’s no point in wasting any more time and effort, once she’s captured by Toji we knew she’s already gone, she’s already dead” said one of the higher ups.

“SHE’S NOT DEAD” yelled Satoru slamming his fist on the wooden table,

all heads turned at his direction at his sudden rage.

“I know it’s hard to swallow, but it’s your fault for letting her wander outside without keeping an eye on her, it’s your fa-”

“YOU THINK IM NOT AWARE OF IT? YES YOU’RE RIGHT IT’S MY FUCKING FAULT FOR LETTING HER GO, IT’S MY FAULT FOR PUSHING HER AWAY FROM ME, IT’S MY DAMN FAULT MY HURTING HER SO MUCH TO THE POINT THAT SHE FAVORED FACING DANGER OUTSIDE THEN STAYING BESIDE ME…stop blaming me because I know, I messed up, I fucked up and I admit it…but you can’t ask me to give up on my wife-” said Gojo his voice cracking.

Without further words, he left the room. Nanami followed him trying to help him,

“Gojo stop…hey stop” said Nanami “Where are you going?”

“To find her”

“Gojo you know you won’t find her…” said Nanami apologetically

“You once told me to treat her as a real wife, so here I am doing , let me for once care for her like a real wife”

“Gojo don’t do this to yourself, I know you still have hope, we all do but the higher ups won’t allow it”

“Well fuck them the higher ups..I won’t rest till I bring my wife home”

“Alright I’ll come with you”

*At Toji Zenin’s hideout*

“Wakey wakey…” said Toji splashing cold water on your head

You gasped for air, completely startled, completely drenched

“W-what the hell!!” you exclaimed

“Someone wants to meet you”

Confusion clouded your thoughts as you glanced towards the door in anticipation. Who could possibly come to meet you? Is there someone else in the dirty game that Toji is playing?

Your heart skipped a beat as the door creaked open, revealing a familiar silhouette that slowly emerged from the shadow to the light.

“M-Mei Mei?” you said in shock

Your mind raced trying to make sense of the whole situation, your eyes didn’t leave hers as she looked down at you. But the smirk on Mei Mei’s face offered no answer,

“I hope you had fun these two days here with Toji”  

“W-what?” your voice almost inaudible.

“Did you think I’d let you win huh? Poor Y/n!”

“You!- you did all of this? What’s your problem with me huh?” you asked your voice trembling with anger.

“The thing is, you are the problem Y/n! I won’t let you have Gojo, I won’t let you turn into a sorcerer and become the strongest..I won’t let that prophecy come true”

“You’re insane!” you shook your head in disbelief

“Well call it whatever you like, but I won’t let you steal my dreams away”

“So you think that stealing my life away is the right thing to do?”

“YES YES” she leaned forward “I can’t bear to see Gojo look at you with much love in his eyes, I can’t bear to see him giving his heart to you-”

“What are you blabbering about? You know well what kind of relationship I have with Gojo, I already know that both of you have an affair”

Suddenly she started laughing hysterically,

“That’s what I wanted but that dick didn’t want me and never did, since you’re going to die so yeah lemme tell you truth, I got paid to do what I’ve done, he never touched me…it was all lie, all of them, I made that up to push you out of the frame, he wanted that at first but then he started to push ME out of the frame, maybe he’s got a liking into you, a liking that I didn’t like, when I noticed the way his heart started to beat for you, when a spark was born I had to intervene, I couldn’t help but release Toji out of prison, pay him a big amount of money  to abduct you and kill you”

“I’ve never thought you’ll get to this level of low” you spat

“Now you’re out of the frame, I succeeded, you’ll die.. Toji will kill you and I’ll work on making Gojo forget about you, I’ll comfort him when he mourns your death, I’ll be the shoulder he cries on and that’s how I’ll win his heart…to the higher ups you’re already considered dead and shortly you’ll truly be” she said happily, playing with her hair

Disbelief washed over you like a tidal wave, leaving you disoriented. You struggled to voice your thoughts, lost in the overwhelming emotions so you started screaming at her,

“I’LL KILL YOU MEI MEI, I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU”

You struggled to break free from the ties that restricted your movement to a minimum, completely going crazy, you hair falling on your face. With each tug and desperate lurch you felt your anger growing more and more, your heart hammering against your chest, redoubling your efforts, till you crashed on the ground, the chair toppled over with a resounding thud, hitting your head on the hard concrete. You laid there, disoriented and dazed, pain pulsed through your skull, world spinning around you. If you managed to break free you’ll make Mei Mei vanish from existence.

You saw in slow mo how Mei Mei was walking towards the door leaving the room, Toji crouched down, brushing strands of hair off your face, placing it behind your ear,

“It’s okay, it won’t be painful…but before I kill you, I’ll do terrible thing to you that will make you beg me to kill you”

You were too weak to answer him, you can feel yourself fading into the background, into the nothingness…losing touch  with what’s real. As you closed your eyes, seeking solace in the silence. His face emerged, Gojo’s features etched in your mind with crystalline clarity. Amidst the chaos, the threat, you were somehow happy and relieved that he did not cheat on you, that hadn’t touched Mei Mei  and that all what she said before was a lie to offend you that’s all. A smile tugged at the corners of your lips, with each passing moment, your thoughts dived deeper and deeper in the memories shared between both of you, the closeness of your faces when both of you bickered, the way he was sleeping  next you but disturbed by his night terrors, you wished that you be there for him, comfort him and put him back to sleep in your arms, maybe you’ll be his dream and replace that ugly nightmare that haunts him every night. Maybe you can try again and be a real husband and wife.

You realized in that moment that you needed him, that you have already fell for him but that feeling needed something to be noticed, and this something is being far away from him. But is there a way back? A tear run on your cheek, a weak smile drawn on your tired face, fate is indeed your curse.

“It’s too late…I’m already gone”

With that you closed your eyes, drifting to sleep, your dream filled with visions of Gojo is your only companion.  

….

“Are you sure about this Maki?” asked Nobara

“I don’t know, but she’s been acting really suspicious, maybe we can find something?”

“You sure we won’t get caught?”

“No…but I’ll do it, if you’re not sure about this you can go I’ll handle it alone!”

“No I’ll be here, I’ll guard the place”

Both of them walked through the dark corridor like ghosts, gently turning the door knob, sneaking into Mei Mei’s room.

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[ilovehugslikealotalot]

One with Emily Prentiss I BEG.

Maybe one where Emily is a mission and keeps making promises to come home in time for Christmas. But on Christmas Eve r loses hope completely and just goes to bed crying because she really misses Emily and then in the morning Em has a much of gifts that she’s setting up in the living room, there’s breakfast and everything. maybe a quote like, “I promised I’d come home in time, didn’t I?”

idk this is my first time requesting

Love’s Silent Night

(Not my gif)

Emily Prentiss x fem!wife!reader

WARNING: 18+ MINORS WILL BE BLOCKED, slight angst, happy ending

Y/n sat in the living room watching the same christmas special for what seemed like the 50th time. Truly, all that she wanted to do is start a fire and curl up next to her wife and watch some christmas movies. But of course, work calls.

———————————————

“Em! Please! It’s literally almost Christmas and you’re leaving for another case?” Y/n exclaimed, crossing her arms clearly distraught, “I know, baby, I know. But-“

“-Duty calls, Yeah, I know, Em. Every year.”

Emily smiles sadly, knowing every year they had spent Christmas apart because of work. And it affected both of them, but this year it was different. The house felt emptier, the blankets seemed colder, and the bed didn’t seem as cozy. It was safe to say that this year wasn’t the best in terms of marriage and staying functional. “I’ll be home as soon as I can, love” Emily said, her face genuine, “And when will that be? January? Last year you came home in the middle of March. Not a single word from you for months..”

Emily’s face suddenly fell. She knew that it hurt y/n every year when this would happen. She also knew that their marriage suffered because of it. “I’ll be home for Christmas, that’s a promise.”

———————————————

Y/n checks the clock. It reads 9:53 as she still lays motionless on the plush couch. It was Christmas Eve, maybe y/n had gotten her hopes up too much. Every year this would happen, so why would this one be any different?

Lugging herself off of the couch she mindlessly threw herself into bed. The bright Christmas lights peaked through the window. It was sad, honestly. It really was. Y/n’s friends pitied her, ‘What’s the point of having a wife if she can’t even be home with you for a day?’

Y/n would brush them off, saying that Emily is trying her best. Which, sometimes Emily didn’t even know if that was true.

Taking a glance at her phone it lit up with a message, Y/n hopefully picks it up and reads it. Sadly, it was from JJ instead of Emily. The case is taking longer than expected! Sorry, n/n! See you soon?

Y/n smiled bitterly, of course, this would happen. She felt the last trace of hope leave her and her tears began to sting. There was that heaviness in her chest and her bed grew colder. In all honesty, y/n didn’t care about Emily coming home for Christmas. She just wanted her home, the sound of blowing wind lulled her to sleep. Letting the cold winter night consume her.

Soon enough, the smell of…hot chocolate? It had lingered in the air, y/n was she sure that she hadn’t made any. It also smelt of pancakes and…Emily’s perfume…

Leaping out of bed, the sleepiness leaving her, the faint sound of Christmas Jazz playing, y/n sprinted down the stairs with a hopeful feeling in her chest and her smile stretching from ear to ear. As she turned to look in the living room, she heard a familiar giggle. “Looking for me, love?” Emily smiled, teasingly holding up a mistletoe, her Santa hat had perfectly matched her plaid pjs and black sweatshirt. Y/n didn’t waste any time to dive straight into Emily’s arms and into a warm and longing kiss.

“I said I’ll be home for Christmas didn’t I?” Emily smirked, y/n rolled her eyes, “I’m just happy you’re home…safe”

[pt2change]

it’s definitely you — kim taehyung

pairing: taehyung x reader

genre/warning: angst, sad oc, pinch of fluff, happy ending

a/n: hi! fyi if this seems familiar, i posted this before on here an a separate account before i deleted it. okay anyways continue :)

word count: 1k+

↣ bts masterlist

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

the bed felt unnaturally empty. you spent hours tossing and turning, trying so hard to get comfortable to sleep. and no matter how many times you closed your eyes, relaxed into your sheets, laying with no thoughts, your mind always came back to him.

you sighed and sat back up, running your hand through your hair. it was absolutely pointless to just continue lying there. and you couldn’t go back to sleep now that he has consumed your mind. you stood up and began pacing around the room.

but, everwhere you looked, there was photos of the two of you. on your dresser, the nightstand, you even kept a small photo of the two of you in your phone case. none of these pictures could fufill the ache you felt inside.

leaving the room wasn’t helpful, especially not when the living room and kitchen contained so many of his things. his favorite blue hoodie on the back of the couch, his growing collection of art supplies in the corner of the living room, the row of his different favorite drinks in the fridge. even the air in your apartment smelled of his cologne.

you put your head in your hands, struggling to keep yourself together. it has only been just little over a week since he left, and you were dying inside.

after a few seconds, you picked your head up, straightened your shoulders, and walked into your kitchen.

you decided to warm up a small cup of your favorite tea in hopes of being able to fall asleep. when your tea was ready, you walked into the living, taking small sips.

as you sat on the couch, you reminisced on the nights he did this for you when you weren’t feeling good and having trouble falling asleep.

you could feel his hands as they caressed your face smoothly and moved your hair away from your face.

you felt a lump in your throat and your eyes began to fill with tears. you set your glass of tea on the small coffee table, no longer having the stomach to finish it.

you curled up into the corner of the couch, grabbing his blue hoodie, and slipping it on. letting out a sigh, you layed on the couch.

you didn’t think it would be this hard to be away from taehyung, but the aching pain your chest grew more and more as the minutes and seconds passed.

but it wasn’t like taehyung wanted to leave. it was the quiet opposite actually, he had no choice.

if he didn’t go, it would’ve messed everything up.

and you knew that. but you weren’t selfish enough to be the one to stop him from achieving one of his dreams. all you ever wanted was for him to be happy.

but all you could think about was his voice, the way his arms wrapped around you, the gentle touch of his lips against your own.

you loved everything about him. absolutely everything.

and you wouldn’t be able to see him for a couple months.

your phone went off suddenly, and you quickly sat up to reach it. one glance at the name on the screen made your stomach feel so many butterflies, and you pressed the green button.

“hello?” you whispered, your voice almost shaking.

“hi y/n.”

and you felt tears slowly run down your cheeks, it had been so long since you heard his voice.

“hey, don’t cry.” taehyung said, his voice soft, hearing you sniffle through the other end. “baby, please don’t cry.”

“i’m sorry.” you stammered, “i just miss you s-so much.”

“i know, i miss you too.” taehyung replied with a tender voice, “but i’ll see you soon, i promise.”

you nodded, “okay.” you sniffled, holding back what you really wanted to say.

i miss you. i don’t want to be selfish, but i need you now. not in a few months. when are you coming home?

i love you.

you stayed on the phone, talking about other things for little over an hour. you said goodbye and hung up, without telling him how you felt and how much he means to you.

after all, you and taehyung hadn’t been dating for so long. and you’re terrified you’ll scare him away by telling him you love him.

but immediately after hanging up, you regretted not telling him. you couldn’t help but think that if something happens to him, he would never know just how much he meant to you.

working up the courage to tell him, you began to reach for your phone. but in that moment, the doorbell rang.

you sat up, confused. you couldn’t think of anyone who would show up at your door this late.

then, the doorbell rang again. scurrying to the small hall way closet, you got out a bat you kept as a precaution.

you approached the door, gripping the bat tightly in one hand. you unlocked your locks, turned the door knob, and opened the door.

not even a second later, the bat hit the floor, and began to roll away.

you were in complete shock, staring at the man in front of you in complete disbelief.

“hi baby.” he greeted you with his boxy smile.

you could feel the tears filling up in your eyes again. you leaped into taehyung’s arms, wrapping your arms around his neck, and his arms around your waist.

you clung onto him tightly, one hand on the back of his neck, and the other on the back of his head.

and he held onto you just as tightly, burying his face into your neck.

“i missed this too.” he quietly whispered into your ear.

you pulled back to look at him, a few tears rolling down your face. “how?”

“come on. did you really think i could stay away from you for that long?” he asked, leaning down pressing his forehead to yours with a smile.

and you felt such a wave of affection run through your body. and just as you opened your mouth, it wasn’t your own voice that you heard.

“i love you, y/n.”

[sweetprfct]

Sad Beautiful Tragic

Joseph Quinn x Fem!Reader

Summary: Sometimes things just doesn't seem to work out and maybe sometimes that's okay.

Author's Note: Here's one of my angsty fics. So, I apologize.

Wordcount: 2.9K

Six months.

That was exactly how long it has been since you have last seen him. Since that night. You haven’t fully found yourself yet, but you took it day by day. The first two months since he left were the worst parts of your life. You would stare into nothingness, while you sat on your sofa. You would barely eat. You would barely move. You would barely go out with your friends. Busy, that was what you would tell them. You have been busy with work. But weekends were spent on your bed, sleeping all day, or crying at certain times when you would find a piece of him around your flat. An old t-shirt tucked into the corner inside your drawers, his scent still lingering on the fabric. A piece of paper where he would doodle little flowers or hearts for you. It all consumed you in a way where you couldn’t move the moment you found little pieces of him in your place. 

You should start cleaning around.

You told yourself that, but you never got around to it. It was almost like you were too scared to throw away the things he had left because you knew that the moment all of his things were gone, you knew that you had to face the reality that he really wasn’t part of your life anymore. That you would never see him again. It was four years of you two being together and in one blink of an eye, he was just gone. It was like those four years didn’t exist, but in your heart and in your mind, those four years were still crystal clear. 

“Hey,” He would appear behind you after a long day of filming. 

He would come home, and he would find you cooking dinner in the kitchen. There was something about having these domestic moments with him that made you feel warm and cozy on the inside. His lips would linger at the back of your neck, his warm breath creating goosebumps on your skin and you would lean back against him and sigh happily.

“Joe.” You warned. “I’m cooking dinner. Don’t distract me.”

A small giggle would come out of you, and he would make it even worse as he would start kissing down your neck and on your shoulder. 

The kitchen was always a special place for you two. Joe loved to cook and when he was not filming, he would show you his love language and that would be spoiling you with some delicious homemade food and spending the day watching movies in the living room. Sometimes, you two would find yourselves taking a nap on the sofa. It was little moments like these that made you love him even more. It was little moments like these that made your heart ache every time it reappeared in your memories. You couldn’t bring yourself to enter your kitchen in the first two weeks since he left. You would order take out and completely avoid it unless you really needed something. You even bought yourself a mini fridge to store your bottles of water in your room just so you could avoid that one room in the flat.

The kitchen may have good memories, but it was also the last memory you had with him, and it wasn’t a good one. You knew that things between you two had been distant lately. He had been busy booking more roles, and you had been busy with your own job. After you got promoted in the office, you saw less and less of each other. Joe would fly to the States for filming, and you would sit in the flat alone, eating dinner by yourself. It didn’t really occur to you at the beginning because of the fact that you were also busy. Supporting each other’s careers were one of the strongest traits you two had in the relationship but how did it become like this? How did it end like this? 

It took about two months of Joe being away from you that you started to feel the distance between you two. Not just the fact that he was across the pond but how he was starting to be distant to you even if he was home. He would text or call on the first few weeks of his filming in the States but then, he started to go silent on you. The only time you would see him would be paparazzi pictures of him and his co-stars hanging out at a bar or at some concert. 

It bothered you. It bothered you that he couldn’t reply to one text or pick up his phone when you would call after not hearing from him for a week, but he had the time to hang out and go have some drinks with his newly found friends. It bothered you even more when he was seen with one of his co-stars getting too close. The picture you saw on the internet made your stomach drop. They were in a concert with his other co-stars, and she was sitting next to him, whispering something in his ear, while her hand was on his thigh. Joe had a smug smile on his face, and you immediately exited Twitter as soon as you saw it. 

It hurt. It hurt a lot when you saw that.  

After that, you didn’t hear from him. A month of you indulging yourself on the internet and staring at every new picture of him and the girl. You wanted to scream. You wanted to say something to him. You wanted to call and ask him what was going on, but you didn’t bother because he didn’t even bother replying or calling you back. That was until he came back home to London. You just had a long day at work, and you stayed later than usual in the office and when you came home, you saw Joe sitting on the sofa. You couldn’t look at him. You felt disgusted. So, you muttered a hello to him and made your way to the kitchen to heat up some leftovers. 

“How are you?” Joe asked you, following behind you.

He slipped his arms around your waist and gave you a kiss on the cheek, but you pushed him away. You occupied yourself by taking the bowl of leftover chicken from the microwave and pulled out some utensils. 

“What’s wrong?” Joe asked. “Look, I’m sorry I haven’t called. Filming had been really busy and–”

The sudden clang of utensils got Joe’s attention as you let out a sharp breath. Tears were starting to form in your eyes, but you held it in. You couldn’t let him see you like this. Your back was still turned to him as silence took over the both of you. 

“Busy filming, huh?” You finally said, your tone of voice sounded angry. 

“Yes.” Joe’s eyes stared at you as you turned to face him. 

“Tell me, Joe. Is that it?” You raised your brow, holding the spoon tightly in your hand. “Is that the only reason why? It’s not because you were cuddling with some girl in the States?”

“For fuck sake!” Joe shook his head. “Is this what it’s about?”

“No, Joe!” You exclaimed. “This isn’t just about her! It’s about how you don’t reply to my texts or when I call, you never answer! It’s the fact that I haven’t heard from you in a month, and you come back in here like there’s nothing wrong!” 

Your voice shook. Your whole body trembled in anger as you stared at him, tears welling up in your eyes. Joe didn’t say anything because he knew. He knew you were right. Both of you had been distant from each other, and he had denied it. You both had denied it. It didn’t mean that he had stopped caring. Things had just been different lately with all the things he needed to do for his career. 

“Hey.” He walked around the kitchen island and wiped the tears that started rolling down your cheeks, but you pushed his hand away.

“Don’t!” You warned him, taking a step back. “Don’t act like you care because I know you haven’t cared for a while now.”

“That’s not true!” Joe barked. “I care about you!”

“Not like the way you did before!” You argued, your eyes widened.

You felt stupid. You have been denying this for months now, and you knew that things had not been the same lately. That things had changed. You just couldn’t face that reality and maybe, Joe couldn’t either that was why he was still here standing in front of you. 

“We kissed.” Joe admitted, his head hung low. “Once. But that was it. It didn’t mean anything!”

You nodded your head as reality creeped in slowly. You couldn’t move. You felt angry. You felt that knot in your stomach, and you felt like vomiting as you heard those words came out of Joe’s lips. Four years of being together just all washed away by those words. Those words that stabbed you right on your chest as you grabbed the bowl of chicken and threw it at Joe. Fortunately, for him, he had ducked just in time as the bowl shattered on the wall behind him, leaving the chicken a mess on your floor. 

“I’m sorry.” Joe tried to walk towards you, but you kept stepping back as you sobbed in front of him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He shook his head as he tried to cup your face and looked into your eyes, but you were pushing him away, hand scratching and grabbing the fabric of his sweater as you slapped his hands away from your face. 

“I’m sorry.” Joe cried, tears rolled down his face too. 

You shook your head as you sobbed in front of him as you started pacing back and forth in front of him, while Joe tried to reach for your hand. So many questions were running in your mind and so many emotions washing over you. 

“Please.” Joe murmured. “I’m so sorry.” He pulled you in his arms as he hugged you from behind and buried his face on your shoulder.

You closed your eyes, feeling his strong arms around you, while tears streamed down your face. Joe continued to murmur his “I’m sorrys,” but the image of him and that girl just kept flickering in your mind, and it made you angry and disgusted. How could he do this? How could he just easily throw away everything you both had? 

“It didn’t mean anything.” Joe turned you around, his hands sliding down your arms and taking a hold of your hands. “I know I have been distant, and I’m sorry. Work had been stressful, and I didn’t want to drag you into it.”

“We’re partners, Joe.” You sniffed, sliding your hands away from him and wiped the tears on your face. “I thought we knew how to communicate with each other. I thought we knew how to be there for each other no matter what the situation was. You were the one person I thought that would never hurt me like this.”

“I know. I just…” Joe sloppily wiped his own tears. “I just couldn’t bring you into this crazy world that I entered, and I… I know. I’m so sorry. I was drunk and it happened so fast.”

Another silence took over before you asked him the one question that had been repeating in your mind for the past month.

“D… Do you still love me?” 

Silence.

It hit you like a ton of bricks when he couldn’t answer your question. The silence was enough for you to know the real answer from Joe. No, he didn’t love you anymore. It was the silence that you never thought would make you feel that sharp pain in your chest. Joe took a step forward to you, his hand reaching, but you couldn’t look at him any longer. He was a different person to you now. He wasn’t the same Joe that you knew for the last four years. 

“The kiss meant nothing to me.” Joe repeated it again, but you weren’t listening anymore. “I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter.” You sniffed. “I know how you feel about me and the fact is you don’t love me anymore.”

Another silence. 

“I think you should go.” You stated, wiping the last remaining tears on your face. 

“What?” 

“I think you should go.” 

And just like that, it was the last time you saw his face. You walked away from him and went to your room. You never saw him again. You only heard the sound of him packing his things and the door closing behind him as you sobbed in your bed that night. Ever since then, you haven't gotten any sleep at all. That was six months ago though. You have been okay since. At least that was what you thought until you had walked by a coffee shop one day and the sight of Joe had given you that negative feeling in your stomach again. He was with another girl, kissing her softly as they waited in line inside. You stood there outside by the window as you felt yourself breaking down again.

You couldn’t breathe. 

You couldn’t move. 

You shouldn’t be here. 

You thought that the feelings were gone. You thought the hurt that Joe had caused you was enough for you to hate him, but you were wrong. You still loved him. Perhaps, you always will. He was always going to be a part of you no matter what but seeing him with another girl made you face the fact that you needed to also move on with your life. You needed to stop dwelling on him. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. 

So, that was what you did. You worked on yourself for weeks and weeks turned into months and months turned into a year. You started going out again with your friends. You started smiling little by little again, and you finally had brought courage to yourself into stepping into that kitchen again. The mark on the wall where the bowl had shattered that night was still there. You ran your fingers through it, but you felt okay now. You didn’t feel anything. You had told yourself to fix that hole on the wall and maybe re-decorate the kitchen and so, you did. It was almost like the more you had fixed that kitchen, the more you were fixing yourself too. 

You saw an ad of Joe on the internet one day, and he looked different. A good different. He looked okay. Just like you. You were okay. You have moved on. You have focused more on your career, friends, and family for a while now. Another year passed and you were more than okay. You were good. 

Two years.

Exactly two years since that night. If only you could go back in time and tell yourself that you were going to be okay, you would. Though, you wouldn’t have had it either way because it taught you lessons. It taught you new things about yourself that you never knew before. Your only hope was that Joe was okay too. Even if the relationship didn’t end well, he was still Joe. Your Joe. The Joe that you knew for four years and loved you then. The Joe that you loved.

You were walking down the streets of London one day just right after office hours when you had heard that familiar voice call your name. You froze in place as you slowly turned around and saw Joe standing there in front of you. He looked different. You couldn’t explain it, but he just looked different. He looked more mature and older.

“Hey.” You gave him a small smile.

“Hi.” He gave you a tight lipped smile as he slid his hands in his coat pockets.

“It’s… It’s been a while.” 

You didn’t know exactly how to react. You didn’t expect to ever see his face again, but you were glad that you did. Somehow, you didn’t feel that pain in your chest anymore as you looked into his brown eyes. You didn’t feel that knot in your stomach. You just felt content and relaxed. 

“Yeah, it has been.”

“How are you?” Joe asked. 

“I’m good. How are you?” Your eyes studied him. “You… You look great.”

“Thank you. I’m good. I just got back from the States. I had a movie premiere that just finished.” 

“Oh? Well, congratulations.” 

For a moment, you two just stood there, looking at each other. Both of you knew that the pain had washed away. That both of you had learned something from it. That both of you had grown from it. That maybe the two years had healed the both of you. That maybe the two years had made you both mature. 

“Listen,” Joe started. “I just want to thank you for always being so understanding and supportive of me. I truly am sorry for giving you the pain that I know you didn’t deserve.” 

It was closure.

Something both of you needed after that night. 

A small smile appeared on your face, your eyes twinkled for a moment. “It’s alright. I didn’t regret being with you.”

Joe’s lips also curved into an understanding smile. “Well, I guess I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you around.” 

Both of you walked away in opposite directions and for a minute, you stopped in your tracks and looked over your shoulder to see Joe doing the same thing. You gave each other one more smile before completely walking away. 

The End.

Taglist:

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[halfmoondaze]

I got some angsty angst so one of jacks ex’s sends a video of her jack doing it but it was taken before jack and y/n get together but obviously the reader will be mad or at least disgusted

The Leak

Jack retuned home worned out from a stressful day at the studio. Before he could even close the front door, Y/N walked to the foyer and confronted Jack. 

“Hey-”

“What is this?” hurt and anger was evident in her voice as she took her phone in her hand showing him, the thumbnail of the leaked video from twitter. 

It was a video of Jack and her ex doing it. 

“Y/N it’s not what you think” he said trying to remain calm. “I can explain-”

“Is this how you spend your time when you say you’re in the studio?” 

“Babe, I was in the studio” 

“Bullshit” she said as tears welded in her eyes. “Why did you keep this from me?” 

“We weren’t even together” 

“So, is that make everything ok now? I had to find this through your ex who thought it would be amusing to DM me the video, thinking she was being so kind for giving me a heads up before leaking it” 

Jack ran his hand through his curls. 

“Y/N I’m so sorry you had to go through that” 

“You really thought I wasn’t going to find out, huh?” she crossed her arms. 

Jack didn’t say anything. 

“I thought so” she said before storming to their shared bedroom. 

As the night wore on, Y/n found herself tossing and turning in bed. The room felt empty and cold in his absence and guilt started consuming her as she replayed the argument in her head over and over. 

She was so angry that she didn’t consider Jack’s feelings into all of this. After all, it was his privacy that was being invaded by someone he thought he could trust at some point. If the roles were reversed, Jack would for sure be so protective and reassuring towards her and would be taking action in no time. And what did she do? Whine and cry and make it all about her. To say she was embarrassed was an understatement. 

She quietly got up and made her way to the guest room, where Jack was. 

As she approached the room, she hesitated. But ultimately pushed the door quietly. 

Jack was lying there, his eye wide open as he scrolled through his phone.

Then their eyes met, and to her surprise, there was no trace of anger or sadness in his expression. Instead, he seems like he was waiting for her to come. 

“Jack” she whispered. “Can I come in?”  He put his phone down and turn the bedside table before nodding. 

She quietly sat beside him in the bed as he looked at her. 

“I’m sorry” she said with her voice almost in a murmur. 

He took her hand. 

A few tears fell through her eyes. “I was stupid and didn’t give you a chance to explain and I completely disregard your feelings” she gulped. “This is such a violating situation and at any moment I asked you how you were feeling” 

He reached out for her and pulled her for a hug as she broke into tears.

And he just held her until she calmed down. 

“I know you wouldn’t do it to hurt me. But it looked kind of bad, didn’t it?” he laughed softly. 

Y/N nodded. 

“I’m sorry” 

“It’s ok” he kissed the top of her head as he pulled her into an embrace. “I had already forgiven you” 

They both laid back in bed and in the silence of the night, they held each other close until they fell asleep.

[changenameno]

My Own (Chapter 5)

Summary:
Geralt finds himself once more on the path, gloomily looking at what lies ahead.
And you? You had no one, no home and certainly no coin. Well that’d be something you had in common. No coin. You two are surely off to a great start…

Pairing: Geralt of Rivia x Fem. Nymph Reader


Warnings: 18+, death, cursing, angst and finally some fluff, hurt & comfort, MDNI (there will be smut in the future)

Word count: 1.2K

A/N: Hahah more teasing, sorry, not sorry…It’s not proofread, any mistakes are my own. Please be kind, comments/reblogs are much appreciated…Thank you and enjoy ❤️✨

 

!The Witcher characters and world are not mine!


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(In case you’ve missed CHAPTER 4)

 

CHAPTER 5

You couldn’t read Geralt’s expression in the moment, it seemed to only show stone-faced indifference. Then at last he opened his mouth, “No.”
Pausing briefly, before adding,” Of course not.”

Relieve washing over you at his answer. Safe at last.

Weirdly he was a bit disappointed that you’d believe him capable of doing something like that. He knew of course that this was unfair to you, as he’d be just as suspicious, if your positions were reversed. Still he couldn’t shake the feeling. You were somehow able to push all his buttons and make me feel drawn to you at the same time, which confused him all the more. He couldn’t explain it, if he wanted to.

Shaking his head, he went over to Roach, to do what he originally got up for.

Now that you felt somewhat safe and were no longer hungry, the lingering exhaustion and fatigue caught up to you, making you yawn. Just then Geralt returned with two bedrolls in his arms.

Silently spreading them out, close to the fire. It wasn’t particularly chilly but during night-time a glowing fire could certainly help, feeling more comfortable. An added bonus, the smoke would keep the mosquitoes at bay.

He knelt down, about to rest his aching body, when your amused voice cut through the silence, “Why do you have two bedrolls?”

Geralt rolled onto his side, facing you, looking more sullen than before. You giggled softly, “It’s the bard’s, isn’t it?” If it weren’t for the most delightful of laughs he’d ever heard, he’d have stayed stoic, but instead he nodded, even a little amused himself that you could look through him so easily.

You didn’t want to antagonize him any further, especially because he’d been nothing but nice to you. Though one last quip left your lips anyway, “Knew you were soft hearted…”

He felt rather pleased with your statement, warmth spreading through him. Content and tired he closed his eyes, about to welcome a better nights-sleep.

There was quiet shuffling as you lay down, on the other bedroll.

“Good night, Geralt of Rivia,” you murmured.

“Good night.”

 

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This time he woke because he heard your unsteady and shallow breathing, he kept his eyes shut, listening to your racing heartbeat.

Trying not to wake the witcher, you’d held back the sob that wanted to break free from deep within your chest. A nightmare had woken you a few minutes ago.

As you sat up, breathing heavily, you’d realized it hadn’t been a dream. At least, not really. Your subconscious had replayed recent events, mixing them with the past. Probably because you’d told Geralt about it.

It had all felt too real. An all-consuming sadness spread through you, as the first tears rolled down your cheeks.

He’d opened his amber eyes, even though he didn’t see your face, he could tell you were crying. A salty, bitter scent permeating the air. He sat up, very familiar with nightmares himself, his heart went out to you. To prevent startling you, he cleared his throat.

Making you stiffen and furiously wipe away the tears that didn’t seem to stop flowing down your face. Sniffling, “Fuck, sorry…I didn’t mean to wake you. Go…go back to sleep.”

How on earth was he supposed to go back to sleep, hearing you cry, sounding so distressed and miserable?

When you heard him getting up, you hugged your knees closer to your chest, hiding your face. Your breath hitched when a big, warm hand brushed over your back. Gently stroking up and down.

Geralt didn’t know what overcame him, but he couldn’t just sit back and do nothing, so here he was, attempting to sooth you. After a few tense moments, in which he thought you’d push him away, you finally started to relax into his touch.

Surprising him, when you suddenly turned and slung your arms around him, pushing your wet face into the crook of his neck.

You shocked yourself a little bit, when you turned and hugged him, but you felt so very safe and comfortable in his presents. And he smelled incredibly good, calming you instantly.

Unsure he slowly put his arms around you as well. Small hiccups could be heard, muffled cries leaving your quivering lips.

The embrace lasted quite long, until his slow, soothing heartbeat had reduced the speed of yours.

You lifted your head, wet eyelashes clinging together, as you found his gaze. Now it was his pulse that sped up, as you leaned in closer to his face.

You leaned in, placing a delicate kiss on his lips. Eyes closed, feeling his stubble scratching lightly over your chin when he started moving against your soft lips. The kiss was slow and deep, not rushed or needy. Both of you just wanting to feel the other.

Unhurriedly you pulled back, his ambers already fixed onto your face. His next words came out in a rasp, “We-we should get some sleep.” Because you couldn’t detect unease or regret on his face, you nodded, sliding off his lap and back onto your bedroll. He’d studied you all the while, before he went to get up.

A sudden fear reared its ugly head, what if you’d have another bad dream, so your hand shot out, gripping his forearm. Geralt halted, once he felt your fingers on his arm. Dark brow lifting in question.

“Please. Could you stay?” When you saw him hesitating, you softly sighed. “I just- don’t want to be alone right now. And you-you feel…safe,” mumbling the last word so quietly only a witcher’s keen ears could pick it up.

You couldn’t bear looking at him anymore, too embarrassed as he’d surely deny your wish.

He knew he was playing with fire, but he knelt down once more anyway, too strong was his desire to hold you close, to protect you. “Lie down.” Quickly moving, before he could change his mind, you lay down on your side, facing the glowing embers.

As he lay down, broad chest touching your back, Geralt heard the acceleration of your pulse. Which he mistook for nervousness, so he scooted back.

Though he didn’t come far, as your hand had reached back pulling at shirt, until he got the hint and drew closer again. He breathed in, no distress corrupting your sweet and flowerlike fragrance.

His eyes twinkling happily when you pulled his arm over your side, letting his hand rest against your stomach. Smiling even more, when you clarified, “Just…so you’re comfortable as well.”

A delightful shudder running down your spine when his answering, “Mmh,” sounded.

“Good Night.”

“Night.”

 

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Taglist:

If you’re interested in being on my taglist, please let me know! And if you want to be taken off (my taglist), feel free to tell me!❤️✨

[demonicbaby666]

The Melody of Loss

One shot | Criminal Minds Masterlist | Masterlists

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Emily Prentiss x fem!Reader

Genre: angst 

Words: 1.4k+

Warnings: suicidal ideation, malnutrition, depression, grieving, blood.

Summary: Takes place after Emily has ‘passed away’. It’s really just an angsty fic about grieving the loss of Emily. 

A/n: I highly recommend you do not read this is you are prone to being easily triggered, its v sad and could be painful to read. But if you do, put on some sad music and get in your feels because this is 10x better with sad music. I recommend you’re someone else (flora cash) and it’s okay (Tom Odell) as that what I was writing it to. 

It had been two months since Emily had left your life, you had mourned her each and every day. Slowly pieces of you withered away as happy memories contorted to remnants of a life you could no longer have. Going into work served as only another reminder she truly was gone but you forced yourself to persevere.

That evening things became too much; you lay on the floor begging your brain for reasons to continue. Without Emily everything just seemed empty and there was a hollow part of your heart you feared could never be filled again. Though it was just an expression, having your heartbroken, you felt the organ incessantly cracking. Your chest was heavy and every time you breathed your lungs constricted, demanding to breathe the scent of Emily’s shampoo, the smell of her perfume, her. 

The hoodie that adorned your skin no longer smelled like Emily and you would have screamed out if your body allowed you to, alas it didn’t. You were running on minimal energy levels, meniscal daily tasks took their toll on you, nourishing your body was no longer a priority. It helped when you were numb, it wasn’t a cure, but the buzz of emotional pain was more dulled, diluted and less consuming. 

Quiet sobs passed through your lips as you lay on the cold floor, you had no idea how long you had been crying, all you knew was you woke up in the same position you were previously in with puffier, redder eyes. You sat upright, too tired to focus on anything other than the blank space that filled the front room, you finally let your eyes settle on the piano by the window. It was now gathering dust, missing its player’s delicate fingers. 

A single tear fell down your cheek as you forced yourself up and walked to sit down on the stool. You pressed down on a piano key and a note rang through the room, bouncing off the walls and yet another bittersweet memory resurfaced. 

It had been Emily’s idea to buy the piano, you’d planned on starting out small together, renovating this little apartment you’d bought with your dual salaries. One day you got back and there it was. It was vintage and though it took up a large amount of space, you couldn’t deny, the piano was perfectly suited to the vibe of the apartment. The sunlight beamed through the window and cascaded onto it as Emily sat on the velvet stool looking down at the keys. She seemed miles away, plagued by a distant memory. 

As you walked up to her, you took in how radiant she looked, a baggy white blouse was loosely hung around her shoulders, accompanied by plain black vest and casual black work slacks. The light hit her perfectly, showing off her slick jawline.

When you brought your hands down to her shoulders, she jolted just slightly but instantly relaxed into the contact. She hummed contently when you moved your hands down to wrap around her waist, nuzzling your head into her neck. The smell of her shampoo and perfume filled your nostrils and your little heart leapt from your chest, much like it always did when you found yourself wrapped around Emily.

Her hands were delicately placed on yours as she laced your finger together, holding you tight against her. The soft skin of her cheek brushed against the side of your face. You looked into chocolate brown eyes and saw the weight that was contained within them. Emily had never been a big talker and from months of experience you knew best how to help her through troubling times without antagonising her. 

You placed your lips to her temple for a few seconds, holding her you rocked from side to side on the heels of your feet, swaying the both of you slowly to a fictious melody playing in your head. Puckering your lips, you placed a soft kiss to her porcelain skin before breaking away for a split second to sit next to her on the stool. 

Shifting the weight of your body and head, you leaned into Emily. “Play me something?” 

She smiled down at you for a few fleeting moments before setting her gaze on the piano, elegantly bringing her fingers to the keys. With the lightest of touches on each key and the pedal moving under her foot now and then to elongate specific notes, Emily did as exactly you asked. When she finally finished playing you peered up at your musician to find her eyes were glazed over, salty tears were brimming over her waterline as she once again looked into the distance. 

Broken was your heart as you reached up to hold this strong-willed woman’s face between the palms of your hands. Emily wore sorrowful smile, looking deep into your eyes searching for answers to a question you hadn’t yet been graced with. A single tear spilled from her eyes and made its journey to your thumb so you could brush it away.  

“I knew a little boy; I taught him how to play.” From the heartache the words brought her you knew whatever had happened to the boy in question wasn’t an easy topic to breach. Of course, later you learnt who he was, how and why he meant so much to Emily. 

She adverted her eyes, looking around the small apartment, before meeting your gaze once again. Her hands homed in on your waist, gradually bringing your bodies closer. You vision went black as you closed your eyes and let her nimble lips grace yours with their presence. A slow rhythm was set as your lips danced together, just as they had time and time before. Held within the kiss was something new, you tasted the question that lay dormant within Emily, and you slowly pulled your lips away. 

Not wanting to stray too far away you leaned your head forward to touch Emily’s, relishing in the feel of her warm breath caressing your lips. 

“I want a family with you,” she breathed out, pulling back to study your expression. Melancholy tears were transformed into those of delight as she watched the corner of your lips twitch. 

“There is nothing in this world that I want more than just that Emily Prentiss.” Her face became blurry, you only registered you too were crying when the kiss that you shared moments later grew wet. 

With both hands you slammed the piano cover down, startling yourself when a loud thud echoed through the room that was once filled with the sweet sound of piano chords. The ghost of Emily was felt next to you on the stool and your stomach churned when you remembered just how close you once had her. How close you were to a future together, the engagement ring remained on your finger, though it had become loose, many of times it had almost fallen off, as if telling you to let go. 

Your body gave up on you and you fell against the piano, darkness circled around you, it was engulfing you, whispering and coaxing you to give in, to join Emily. It was unrelenting, sucking you in and you felt yourself folding over and over. A whirlwind of grieve was stirring mayhem in your head and you held no more control over your emotions as screams of pure agony worked their way up from your gut, passing your dry throat and exiting your chapped lips. 

Anger began to bubble within your veins, questions of how she could ever leave you all alone rung through you mind and you grabbed the only thing within your reach, throwing it as far your weak-willed arms would allow. 

“NO!” you screamed, running over to the broken shards of glass dispersed across the floor. The smell of Emily filled the whole room as her perfume circulated the air around you. “No, no, no.” You sobbed, picking up pieces of glass, not caring as red beads of blood formed on your fingers. You threw your head back looking up at the ceiling, pleading to any higher being to take this all away, to bring your fiancé back, to let you feel her arms around you again, “Please no.” you screamed out. Tears continuously trickling down your face, the acidity burning a red lined path down from your eyes to your chin. 

Your body shook from the pain that raked through you; you felt the emotions seep from every inch of you. Just as you though you would never know peace again, hands wrapped around you and the world calmed just a little bit. 

“She’s gone.” The words came out cracked and almost inaudible through all the crying. But you knew JJ heard when she held you the slightest bit tighter. You continued to cry, this time with the security of knowing you weren’t alone in all of this. 

“I-I’m so sorry.” JJ held you as she herself began to cry, only later would you understand just why her tears had been fuelled by guilt and not grief. 

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[littledollll]

Hi there! I was wondering if I could request a Brienne x fem reader fic? Kinda like a "It's getting bad again (with depression)" and stuff kinda thing? It doesn't have to be anything too detailed or graphic in that aspect, but Brienne comforts and cuddles reader and assures she'll be there? It can be set in game of thrones or some alternate universe where reader is a princess and brienne is her bodyguard, it's up to you :)

Only you.

Brianne of Tarth x reader

Warnings: depression, crying, numbness to extreme sadness, idk what else, comfort, no y/n, no beta we die like Larissa weems

A/n: it took me a little to get the creative juices flowing but I hope you enjoy it! Let me know how it is, this is my first fic (?) if it can be called that and I don’t hate it so that’s a win!

Playlist:

As a princess one could argue you had everything you ever wanted, you’d agree, while you were taught to be respectful and humble, you were still spoiled to death, all you had to do was ask for anything you wanted. So when your mental health became an issue your parents weren’t the most understanding, “how could you be so miserable, we’ve given you everything.” Coming to them clearly wasn’t an option, they weren’t bad, they just didn’t understand, and maybe didn’t want to.

You had one person you could confide in, that was your body guard. Brienne was hired by your parents when you turned 21 and started traveling outside the kingdom, of course she’s ordered to always be by your side, protect you but even when she didn’t have to you chose to be by her side.

The first day she didn’t see you after breakfast she took note of it and went to check on your room, knocked, waited a few minutes and got no answer, it wasn’t the first time, maybe you were with your parents or in the bath. However she didn’t see you for the whole day, or the next. she let it slide not wanting to seem pushy.

By the third day your parents came to her. “They aren’t talking to us, not coming for breakfast, lunch or dinner, we went into their room yesterday dinner time, they were still asleep.” That’s when Brienne decided enough was enough, she went back to your door and as she expected, no answer when she knocked.

“I’m coming through your window of you don’t at least show you’re alive”

and finally she got an answer

“go away Bri”

“Do you want me to break the door down? Your parents certainly wouldn’t mind, not in this case” she sounded genuinely upset and then a pause, and shortly after came a soft “..let me in, I wish to know you’re okay.”

And the door cracked open, you weren’t there though, and she stepped in carefully eyeing around the room the messy room then landing on you, ready to hide under your covers again.

“I thought they didn’t care” You mumbled out, your voice was hoarse, maybe from crying, maybe from not talking for three days.

“Clearly they do, they came to me assuming I’d know something about you, but I was just as clueless as them which isn’t common is it?” Brienne said in a concerned yet playfully tone by the end of it. Everyone knew how close you and her were.

You chuckled at that. “I’m sorry, I just.. I get these random thoughts sometimes, insecurities, doubts, fears, feels like it consumes every part of me, and for the most part I can handle it, but it’s just been getting worse so I figured maybe if I, isolate, it won’t consume anyone else”

Felt good to finally let it out, there’s more, so much more, but for now this was enough.

“Sometimes I feel really sad, sometimes I feel nothing at all, and I think that’s the worse one, just living in a state of nothingness and then being so depressed I can’t physically do anything” You finished, looking down at your hands.

“Can I join you?” She asked.

“Please.”

She sat on your bed, contemplating for moment before pulling you to her side wrapping an arm around you, she’s always so warm, comforting, you couldn’t help but nuzzle into her shoulder letting out a relived sigh.

“I don’t pretend to know everything that goes though that head of yours, but I know, to at least some degree what you’re going through, and you know that because you allow me to talk about it, so please, just talk to me, you know I will always be here for you.” Her voice was quiet, scared to say the wrong thing or push you away.

Now you fully curled up to her, her arms protectively wrapped around you as you hid into her shoulder and finally let your tears fall. It was quiet for a bit, just your sniffing and her shushing you, rubbing your back in slow patterns until you calmed down.

“Only you are allowed to see me be this much of a mess” you giggle letting your grip on her go.

“Only you are allowed to know I can be a mess” she replied back, smiling down at you.

She waited a second and then, “How about I update your worried parents that you are indeed alive and bring you some food and water?” To which you shook your head, your grip on her coming back.

“My love, I promise I’ll only be a minute, let me take care of you alright? It’s my job to keep you safe, even from yourself, when I’m back we can talk as much or as little as you want about absolutely anything you wish.”

For now you’re gonna ignore that petname she’s just trying to comfort you right? Anyways she left no room for argument, pouting you nodded at her and let her go. She was back with a tray of your comfort foods and a jar of water and two cups, she kept her promise, you stayed in all day, talking, a little crying, joking around and telling stories.

She was truly the only one your heart ever let in.

[comfort-person]

Eyes on me

Synopsis: reader has a panic attack and Henry helps calm her down

A/N: I had a panic attack earlier and realised that Jamie/ Henry are both very comforting and so as sad as it sounds I came up with this idea whilst listening to a Henry creel playlist. If you suffer with anxiety/ or just love Henry like I do… then I hope this brings some sort of comfort to you. x

Trigger warnings: description of panic attack

Honestly crying. This man is so comforting😩🥹🫶🏻

-

Tick… tock… tick… tock… tick… tock…

The clock ticked menacingly invading your ears loudly making you that more anxious, usually you were fine but everything that happened today had just ticked your anxiety up to the next level. You were overwhelmed with anxiety to say the least but you tried to hide it as best as you could…. You could hide it from lots of people but no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t hide it from Henry. He always seemed to know when you were anxious or upset… you got special treatment from him because he cared for you. You tried to avoid him at all costs but knew that was just preventing the inevitable from happening. You stared at the building blocks in your hands, usually you would’ve built them up into some sort of tower for the kids to have fun with but you just sat there, numb, “Hey…” a sudden voice grasped your attention making you flinch but you quickly composed yourself, his voice was soft but distant as you returned to staring into nothingness your mind whirring with anxiousness “y/n” henry spoke again and for a moment you looked at him before looking away. He could tell something was wrong with you… it didn’t take a genius to figure that out.

His hand soon rested upon your back, his fingertips beginning to stroke soothing circles into your back. The tacky hospital gown you wore was uncomfortable on you but the way his fingers immediately melted into your tense skin soothed you your eyes fluttering shut. He knew exactly how to make you crack. “People are ahead of me… I can’t do the simplest of things… it’s frustrating.” You soon whisper out and he listened concern visible in his eyes as he frowned “you can’t think of other people y/n, even I couldn’t do some things. Don’t beat yourself up about it.” He spoke softly but honestly “but I… I… I feel so stupid. I’m disappointing everyone.” You continue your breathing growing that slight bit faster, your hands beginning to tremble and Henry was quick to rest his hands on the sides of your chair as he swiftly pulled it so you were facing him “hey… eyes on me… hey…” his fingers lightly clicked just in front of his face making you look up and into his eyes, the calm ocean waves consuming his beautiful eyes immediately soothed you. “Good job… keep looking in my eyes.” He ordered gently before he lightly reached his hand out his slender fingers grasping onto your hand gently as he held onto your hand which was alarmingly smaller than his “you’re not disappointing anyone. I promise you that.” His words eased you, luring you in, calming you down as you gazed into his eyes “promise?” You asked and he smiled giving your hand a squeeze as he nodded “I promise.”

His eyes soon lifted up to meet with the cameras on the wall, making sure the red dot wasn’t on- the red dot meant someone was watching… but it wasn’t on… and so he looked back to you his eyes unable to stay still as he searched your expression “c’mere,” he whispered out and without even hesitating his arms wrapped around your small fragile frame, his hand beginning to rub up and down your back his other hand resting on the back of your hand pressing your ear to his chest so you could listen to the calming beat of his heart “tell me what’s the matter,” he urged more coaxing you as his fingertips lightly stroked little circles against your back a shaky breath leaving your lips, Henry’s eyes remaining on the cameras making sure they remained unattended and blank but he also paid attention to you, giving you his utmost attention. “We’ve lost people… I’ve lost people… it’s a constant fear that I’ll be next…” you whispered gently,

“I wouldn’t ever let that happen to you. As long as I’m here no one and nothing can hurt you. I promise.” He spoke directly into your ear his words soft and soothing “but Im scared of losing you too. I don’t want to lose you next.” You spoke making the man pull back slightly just so he could rest his fingertip under your chin his fingertips soon smoothing against your cheek as he cupped your cheek in the palm of his hand “you’ll never lose me.” He assured picking up on the way your breathing quickened once again, your body trembling, tears sparking in your eyes “y/n.” He spoke calmly trying to get your attention but you were starting to fall down that horrible hole of complete hysterics and Henry could see that, the way you were caving from fear but also the feeling of his touch- the lab had created a mass casualty in touch-starvation, everyone was touch starved and so when his touch brought goosebumps to your skin he knew that was the reason why… you hadn’t been held in so long. He wanted to protect you. Care for you. Comfort you.

“Eyes on me…”

“look me in the eyes, darling” he urged trying to snap you out of it but with every negative thought consuming you it became that bit more impossible to control the panic, your breathing growing heavy your eyes flicking around in total panic as muffled whines that wanted to come out as words began to vibrate against your lips. You didn’t know what to do yourself, your legs quickly working before your mind as you shot up out of your seat Henry slowly standing up after you his tall frame towering over you “I… I hate it in here… I’m going insane!” You found yourself shouting and he knew if you shouted any louder you’d alert the guards and so he used one of his hands to cover your mouth, his other arm wrapping around your shaking frame as he pulled you close into his embrace, your muffled cries and words being slightly quieter as he simply held you. “I want to go home” you begged out to him as your body began to weaken against his own and with that he removed his hand from your mouth his other arm wrapping around you as he held you up in his embrace “I know… I know.” He whispered to you his chin resting atop of your head as you cried meekly his hands fisting against his shirt as both you and him grasped onto each other for what seemed like dear life.

“Breathe for me… breathe in for four…” he breathed in with you, exaggerating the breaths to get you to follow “hold….” He spoke softly “out for four.” He continued going over those few steps until your legs began to weaken. He seemed to put you in a trance like state, your breathing becoming calmer and he not wanting you to fall tightened his grip on you, using his free hand to cup underneath your knees as he lifted you up into his embrace, using one of his large hands to help get you comfortable as your legs wrapped around his waist, your arms tight around his neck- your body instantly snuggled into his arms as he held you “I’ve got you.” He eased your eyesight blurring as you rested your head against his shoulder “I’m gonna keep you safe. I promise you that.” He soothed softly holding you close to him before he started walking to the door, keeping you close to his body one hand rubbing up and down your back slowly and gently the familiar hue of his blue eyes remaining as a constant memory in your head, your breathing calming to the point you were completely relaxed in his embrace “good girl.. good job… that’s it. Relax. I’ve got you…” he soothed into your ear holding you close making sure you could feel the warmth of his body against your slightly cooler one… he wanted to make sure you felt safe and sound with him. Safety was very scarce nowadays… he wanted to make sure you knew that you could trust him and he wouldn’t ever break your trust…. He would be there to support you through thick and thin. Through everything. He would do anything and everything to protect you. Even die.

“I’ve got you… you’re safe…” he soothed calmly into your ear as he walked to the door removing one hand from you just so he could open the door before he walked out into the hallway silently pulling the door shut before he carried you down the hallway, his eyes locking onto a camera that glowed red… shit… his heart sank but in those few moments he didn’t care. Even if he did get in trouble for looking after you he wouldn’t give a single fuck… as long as you were okay he was okay. You mattered to him more than anything, no way was he going to let you suffer in silence… and if not letting you suffer in silence was such a bad thing then he would happily suffer the consequences.

[little-lee-froggie]

What’s this? A new fic? In this economy? I don’t believe it! I actually finished a new fic 🫢 I have another one in the works as well for a different fandom, but it’s not quite done yet, but for now, take a Jujutsu Kaisen fic! :) Let’s get into it:

_______________________________

Warnings: none! :) (please tell me if I’m forgetting one)

Ler: Yuji Itadori

Lee: reader

——

You had had probably one of the most crapy day ever. You couldn’t figure out why, but you just felt really bad through out the whole day, and everything just wasn’t okay for you.

When the day’s activities was finally over, you went back to your dorm room and sat in a ball in the corner to cry. As you cried, you felt like you were being consumed by dark thoughts, like everything was fading away, and you were spiralling and spiralling and-

“[NAME]?”

You looked up from your knees to see Itadori standing there as you start trying to wipe away streaks of tears on your cheeks. You didn’t want to be a burden. “O-oh, hi Yuji! What brings you he-“

Your sentence was cut off by him hugging you. You were surprised for a second, but returned the hug. 

“It’s okay to be sad you know. You don’t have to pretend that you aren’t. That’s actually why I came to your room… you seemed kinda off all day, and I wanted to try and see if I could help” he said, giving a quick squeeze then parting the hug. 

The look you gave him was a strange mix of pain and gratefulness, but you quickly changed it for a painfully fake smile.

“I’m okay, don’t worry! I j-just… got a really bad splinter, so I was crying…”

As you tried to give an explanation, Itadori listened to you, even though he knew you were lying.

Once you were done with your fake reasons as to why you seemed sad, he just looked at you.

“You know, a genuine smile would look better to me” he said simply. “Is there anything I can do to make that happen?”

You froze, resting your face. “No, I’m fine, r-really! I promise, I don’t need anything, I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you”

He sighed, looking at you. “Oh [NAME]… I didn’t want to have to do this, but I guess I have no choice” he said, and a second later, you felt a poke on your side.

You eyes widened when you realized what was going to happen as you made a squeak-like sound.

“[NAME], are you ticklish~?”, he said, teasing a bit now as he started squeezing your sides before you could answer.

“Yuhujihihihi!!! Ahahaha, hehehey!!”, you say, your laughter ringing out, making Itadori happy. “What is it? Don’t tell me this tickles! Wow, it would be kinda flustering for you if that were the case, wouldn’t it?”

A slight blush appeared on your face, as you couldn’t help but smile and laugh. “Shuhuhush!! Dohon’t sahahahay thahat!!”

“Aw, but why not? It true, isn’t it? Clearly it is, you’re blushing! How sweet~! And I was right, and genuine smile is much better!”. 

He wasn’t fully teasing you, it was mostly complements, especially on things like your laughter, but it was flustering all the same, and he would always to point out when you made a new sound, when you started to blush more, when he found a bad spot- well, you get the picture.

“Yuhuhuhujihihi!!! Ahahahaha, thahahat- thahahat tihihick-“ you stumbled on the word tickle, regretting getting yourself stuck in a corner that you knew you weren’t getting out of. 

“It what? Why can’t you say it, huh~? Is something the matter?”, he said, teasing you.

“Ihihihi cahahahan’t sahahay it!!”, you confessed easily, thinking that would be better than denying it.

“Can’t say what? What is it you can’t say, can you tell me?”

You face was bright red, and you had a big smile. You knew you couldn’t say tickle, so instead you just said: “Ihihihi cahahahan’t!! Yohou figuhuhure ihihit ohout!!”

Itadori gasped as if you had just said the most offensive thing ever, but his voice didn’t loose his teasing tone. “That wasn’t very nice of you, [NAME]! Apologize~!” 

You just shook your head, laughing to much to speak.

“No, huh? You aren’t going to apologize? Then I suppose I’ll have to make you apologize~.” As he said this, he moved his hand to your thighs and started squeezing, making you shriek in laughter. “AHAHAHAHAHA!! Y-YUHUJIHIHIHI!!!” 

Itadori smiled somewhat innocently, and simply said “Oh? Does it tickle? Hmmm… apologize then”

“OHOKAY OHOKAY!!! IHIHIHI’M SOHOHOHOHORRY!!!”, you said, laughing hysterically.

“There we go!”, he said with the same smile, slowly coming to a stop. “You okay?”

“Y-yeahah…. Thahanks, I needed thahat…” you softly smile at him, and he pulls you into a hug.

“Of course, anytime! Just, please don’t pretend you’re okay when you’re not? Honestly, it’s almost worse than just seeing you sad, so please, talk to me, okay?” As he says this, he lightly skitters his nails over your back to make you all giggly. “Or I’ll just have to tickle you”

You just squeak and giggle. He stops tickling you, and just holds you as you start to tell him what was going on and explain long why you were sad. And he listens for as long as you need.

You were really grateful to have him as a friend.

_______________________________

Okay, that was the fic!! I really hope you enjoyed! This one isn’t the one that I said I was working on either, I actually made it in like half an hour today- idk how I did that, but I’d guess it was because I had an idea, and I just wrote that out! I hope you have a lovely day/night, byeeeee!!

-Froggie :p

[gardensgatekeeper]

'Tis the Damn Season - Part 2

Pairing: Danny Wagner x Reader

Word Count: 2,078

Warnings: Fluff, angst, sadness, more fluff. As always, let me know if I missed any!

Broke my own heart writing this one :')

If you haven’t already, read part one

Bored was an understatement as you found yourself picking at your sweater while half listening to your family drag on about all the latest small-town gossip, the sole reason you left in the first place. You eventually wandered into the kitchen to get a refill of whatever would shut your brain off for at least five minutes. The holidays seemed to linger like bad perfume, and truthfully you wanted nothing more than to just pack up and drive back to the city but you know you’d never hear the end of it from your mom. And as much as you were highly considering bailing on Danny, something in your brain was screaming at you to hear him out.

You practically gulped down a glass of wine before beginning to refill the glass as your mom walked in. She sat her glass down beside yours, “Pour me one while you’re at it.” The two of you stood in silence as you sipped your drinks until you spoke up. “I saw Danny while I was out today.” You quietly said, as if trying not to let anyone else hear. Her eyes perked up as she turned towards you, waiting to hear the details of your encounter. “Oh?”

Though your mom could be a little perfunctory at times, she really was there for you when things were tough, especially the day Danny called things off. You recall the memory of you coming home with tears streaming down your face. She held you on the couch all night long, gently rocking you in her arms while whispering words of comfort until you eventually fell asleep. 

“He wants to talk.” You muttered out, your voice full of dread and anxiety. “Well, honey. I know you two didn’t end things on good terms but maybe it’ll be good for you. For both of you. You’re both adults now, you shouldn't keep holding onto the past.

You hated how much she was right but simply nodded in agreement. “Just don’t go in with any expectations. Be open minded and mind your tongue before you start jumping in with blame.”

You took a long sip of your wine before replying. “I know. But you know how hard I worked to put all this behind me, I’m worried about messing all that up.” She placed her hand over yours, gently rubbing it and offering a warm smile. “I know Y/N. But I also know that you’ve got a brain up there that will tell you exactly what to do. You’ve got this.”

Well shit, didn’t expect to start crying just yet.

“Thanks mom. I think I’m gonna go lay down for a bit. If I have to hear Grandma Jean talk about ‘this damn inflation’ one more time, I might actually go crazy.” She chuckled in response as you both exited the kitchen and parted ways. Crawling into your bed, you continued sipping your wine as you aimlessly scrolled social media. Your heart panged a bit as you saw your friends had taken a weekend trip to the mountains. Something you had been suggesting to them for weeks. So much for that.

Setting your phone on the nightstand, you chugged the rest of the liquid in your glass before grabbing a blanket and closing your eyes, letting sleep consume you, even if for just a few minutes.

---

Clink!

The sound woke you from your slumber. Confused, you rubbed the sleep from your eyes as you took in the now dark room. How long did you sleep for? You grabbed your phone and was slightly blinded by the brightness but managed to distinguish the time, 11:13pm.

Clink!

The same sound snapped you out of your thoughts as you turned to look for the source of the noise. It wasn’t until the third time that you realized it was coming from your window. Cautiously, you walked over and gasped at the sight.

There, Danny stood with several small rocks in his hands. You quickly opened the window and stuck your head out, the brisk air fully waking you up.

“Danny, what the hell are you doing?” You quietly yelled out. “Sorry, I figured you’d probably changed your number when you moved. Wasn’t sure how else to contact you.” He replied honestly, wiping his hands on his jeans after dropping the rest of the rocks back to the ground. You shook your head at his stubborn determination, something that used to drive you crazy. “Plus, if I remember correctly, you agreed.”

You were then met with his outstretched arm as both of you knew you’d need his help to climb out of the window that was just a touch too high off the ground. “C’mon, just like old times.” His smirk held the memories of the countless times he’d helped you sneak out of the house to go on these late night drives, something the both of you quickly made a habit of.

It had been years since you’d crawled through this window, yet you still found yourself doing the same maneuvers to twist your body through the opening. His hands quickly found their way to your hips, gently squeezing as he helped you down. When your feet finally touched the ground below, his hands didn’t leave your hips. You two locked eyes for a moment until he realized what he was doing, clearing his throat. “Sorry. Uh, shall we go?” You nodded as he led the way to his truck parked on the street in front of your house.

“Still driving that old thing?” You fake insulted, though mostly surprised that it was still running. “Gets me where I need to go. No need to get a new one when there’s nothing wrong with this one.” He grinned, giving an encouraging pat to the hood of the truck.

Like old times, he opened the passenger door for you and you muttered out a quiet thank you. You felt like you were transported back in time. Apart from the more worn leather seats, the interior of his truck looked virtually unchanged; the same beaded necklace still hung from his rear view mirror, but what surprised you the most was the little drummer rubber duck still perched up on the driver’s side dashboard. One of your nephews had given you the small toy years ago at their birthday party and naturally you gave it to Danny. You couldn’t believe he had kept it there after all these years.

Danny slid in the driver’s seat and cranked the truck to life before slowly pulling out of your neighborhood. For a while, the only sound was that from the radio, a familiar tune filling the slightly awkward silence. That was, until Danny spoke up again.

“So, how have things been? Big city girl now, huh?” He suddenly broke the silence. “Yeah uh, kind of a haste decision but I love it.” You replied. He took a deep breath before speaking again. “Was it because of me?”

“Danny, are we really gonna do this?” You sighed out, already starting to feel the rush of emotions come flooding back.

“Yes, Y/N. We are gonna do this. Because I fucked up, okay? I’m sor-.” Despite your mom’s words from earlier playing in your ear, you couldn't help the word vomit coming up.

“Are you though? Are you really Danny? Or are you just saying that? Because you weren’t there. You went away to college while I was left to pick up all the pieces. You have no idea the shit I went through because you decided to just give up on us.” The tears had long started falling down your face as you barely choked out the last few words.

He was silent, accepting your words as he knew you were right. ‘Danny you really hurt me. I couldn't escape it. Everything reminded me of you and it fucking hurt. Do you know how hard it was having everyone look at me like I was some pathetic little lost dog. You never even reached out.” You whispered, wiping the tears from your eyes.

He suddenly pulled off the road into a field that lined the backroads the two of you were traveling down. As he put the truck in park, he turned towards you before replying.

“Y/N I know and I swear to god if I could go back in time and change it, I would. I was so fucking stupid for ever letting you go. But by the time I realized it, it was too late and I was scared. Scared that you had moved on and found someone new. Scared that you wouldn’t feel the same way anymore. Scared that I had really lost you forever and that there was nothing I could do to fix it. Please believe me.” He reached his hand over to grab yours that rested in your lap.

“I love you so much Y/N. I never stopped loving you.” He spoke. You couldn't help the tears as they started flowing again, much harder than before. Danny suddenly released your hand, quickly exiting the truck and you watched in confusion as he walked over to your side, throwing the door open. He reached over your lap, unbuckling your seatbelt before gently guiding you out of the vehicle. He simply engulfed you in a hug and just held you as you continued to cry out. “I’m so sorry baby.” you could hear the sniffle in his own voice as the two of you just stood there embracing one another while the stars twinkled above.

A couple minutes later, you spoke up again. “I often wonder what my life would be like if things would have worked out. I wouldn’t be living in a city with my so-called friends. I’m pretty sure they don’t even like me. None of them can tell which smiles I’m faking like you could.” You replied honestly.

“You know. The only reason I ever come back here is because of you. I’m always hoping that one day you’ll be here. Looks like I finally got my wish.” He answered, slightly pulling back to look at you. Slowly at first to make sure it was okay, he began gently kissing away each individual tear that had fallen from your eyes, getting dangerously closer to your lips with every peck.

“Danny-” You whispered out. He pulled back once more, looking between your eyes once more for any sign to stop, but there was none. Leaning back in, he pressed a soft kiss to your lips. Though gentle at first, it quickly evolved into one with so much more passion and hunger, as if trying to make up for lost time. Trying to heal all the damage and hurt that he had caused. Despite not having done this in years, the two of you found your rhythm just like that. Like nothing had changed.

Before things could get too heated, he pulled back again. Confusion shot across your face as you immediately began to feel regret. But just as quickly, he sensed it and reassured you. “I don’t want to push things. I just got you back and I don’t want to lose you again. Not this time Y/N. Let’s just take it slow.” You were a little disappointed because his lips felt so perfect against yours but Danny was right.

He released your hand and grabbed the blanket you briefly remembered seeing folded up in the back before walking around to the back of the truck to open the tailgate. Nodding his head towards the bed of the truck, he held his hand out for yours. “C’mon, let's just watch the stars. I remember you used to love that.” You smiled as his hands found your hips once again to help you up before joining you.

There, the two of you sat together on the blanket, holding each other incredibly close like your lives depended on it. It wasn’t long before your eyes started feeling heavy and a yawn escaped your lips. Danny shifted a bit so you could lay more comfortably against his warm chest as he kept one arm around you while the other drew gentle patterns on your legs. The soft beat of his heart lulled your mind into a deep state of relaxation. Just before sleep consumed you, you felt him kiss the top of your head and could have sworn you heard him speak softly. “Still so perfect.”

✶ ✶ ✶

Taglist:

@jannysarcher @gretnavannfleet @bimbokiszka

[totowlff]

chapter nine — crossing the line

➝ that night, cassie was only sure of one thing: she needed toto.

➝ word count: 4,7k

➝ warnings: smut

The glass in her hand was empty again. Looking at the bottle of wine on the coffee table, Cassie let out a long, frustrated sigh. She knew would regret drinking so much the next day, but, right now, considering the feelings that were consuming her, a second glass of wine seemed like a minor concern.

The rational side of her knew there was more to her life than having children, but all of her other goals and desires seemed secondary. She leaned forward, filled her glass, and took a generous gulp. She could hear her father's voice in her head again, cold and snide. 

“You are completely useless”, he said. “You’re unable to fulfill even the most basic of your roles as a woman”.

— Fucking hell, Cassandra — she muttered to herself. She tilted her head back, trying to keep tears from running down her face again. She had cried enough the past few days. She was tired of it.

After a few seconds of deep breathing, Cassie looked back at the television, where Sophia, Britt Robertson's character, was trying on some clothes from a thrift store. Girlboss hadn't been her first choice of entertainment for a night of wine and contemplation about her life's failures, but the only other thing she found interesting in Netflix at that time, a Spanish series about a bank robbery, had her crying again less than fifteen minutes into the episode by showing a blonde woman finding out she was pregnant.

Surely, the universe was mocking her.

Taking another sip of wine, she watched as Sophia found a colorful coat when she heard the doorbell to her flat ring. Cassie picked up the remote and paused the episode before getting up from the couch and walking over to the apartment door, pressing the button that unlocked the building’s exterior door. A short time later, there was a knock at her door. When she opened it, she found Toto standing at her doorstep. He was wearing a white shirt and dress slacks. He looked like he had probably just returned from the factory.

— What are you doing here? — Cassie asked, quietly. She couldn’t bear to look at him.

— I came to see if you were still alive — he replied, as his eyes traveled to the half-empty wine glass in her hand — Are you drinking?

Cassie looked at the glass.

— Yes.

— You shouldn't be drinking, Cassandra.

— Why not? — she said, taking another sip of wine — It’s not like I’m pregnant or anything.

His eyes briefly widened in shock, but then his expression immediately softened, as if he wasn’t expecting the news.

— You’re not?

— No — she replied, looking into his eyes, offering him a pained smile — It didn’t take.

Toto stared at her for a few seconds, his eyes filling with sadness, and his jaw clenching in frustration. Seeing him like that made Cassie's heart shatter. She had let him down. She had made him sad.

She was a monster.

Cassie turned and walked slowly back into the living room, in complete silence.  She didn’t invite Toto to come inside, but it was implied — she heard the sound of the door closing and footsteps following behind her.

— Why didn't you tell me?

She set her glass down on the coffee table and sighed as she sat down on the couch, trying to quell the raging tempest of emotions inside of her — frustration, anger, guilt, and sadness.

— Cassie, I've sent you countless messages — Toto said, trying to temper the irritation in his voice — I called you… I don't know how many times. I left probably a dozen messages on your voicemail. I asked Victoria to check if you were going to work. I kept stopping by the marketing area at the factory, because it seemed like you had just disappeared!

Cassie certainly hadn’t handled the situation in the healthiest way, but finding out that the whole process — all the pain, all the injections, exams, and the amount of time she’d invested in trying to get pregnant had amounted to nothing made her withdraw inside herself. However, Cassie had forgotten to consider that she wasn’t on this journey alone. Toto had gone headlong into the idea and was as invested in it as she was.

— I didn’t want to distract you while you were at the races — Cassie said, her voice thin.

She heard Toto approach her, not looking up at him as he stood in front of where she was sitting, leaning down to place his hands on her shoulders. She looked into his eyes, fighting the urge she had to turn away from him. 

— Cassie, you will never be a distraction to me — Toto said, his voice soft.

— But…

— I will always be there for you…

— Toto — she tried to say.

— Always, especially with regards to our child.

— There is no child, Toto! — Cassie snapped. Her frustration had gotten the better of her. Toto was stunned and speechless — There's no baby, there's no child, there's nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

He stared at her, his jaw set.

— There is nothing because the process failed. I failed. Again — Cassie said, looking down at her feet, her eyes filling with tears — Honestly, I should have expected it. My parents always said I wasn’t good for anything. I could never do anything right in their eyes, and I don’t know why I thought this would be any different. I don’t know why I thought things would work out. I don’t know why I was hoping I’d be able to get pregnant, especially at my age.

Her throat ached from how tight it was.

— I never should have expected something good to happen, you know? I do everything wrong, all I do is disappoint and hurt the people around me. I'm a fucking disgrace!

— Cassie — Toto said, trying to interrupt her.

— And it's frustrating as hell to realize your parents were right, you know? — she continued to talk as she looked towards the window in her living room — Because I tried. Really, I did. I made an effort, I invested all of myself in this process. I invested myself physically, emotionally, financially, and in the end, everything they’ve always told me is true. I'm a fucking useless woman who can't even do the basics expected of her.

— Cassie, we can try again…

— How the fuck are we going to do that? I used all of the money I’d set aside for this from my grandmother’s estate. That’s all gone now! If I take out a loan, I have no idea how the fuck I'm going to pay it back! The best part is, I haven't even finished paying off the first round, so now it’s just pointless debt!

Toto strode forward to where Cassie was sitting on the couch, sat next to her, and took her face firmly between his hands.

— Cassandra, will you be quiet and listen to me? — he said, practically shouting.

Cassie swallowed. Her lower lip trembled, her breathing unsteady.

— You're not useless. You are not a failure — Toto said, his voice soft and quiet again — You are the bravest woman I know. 

She blinked.

— Your parents don't know a fraction of what you really are. If they saw the Cassandra that I see every day, they would see that their daughter is a smart, determined, hard working woman, not a useless one. They would know that their daughter is brave enough to become a mother on her own, because she knows she is capable of it.

— Toto...

— Cassie, I don't know of many, any, even, other women who would willingly go through this process alone. The fact that you planned to, that you walked into the clinic and were prepared to face everything involved by yourself, all because you had a dream of becoming a mother and were willing to make it come true. You’re the only one I know of who would’ve been capable of it, and I admire you so much for that…

She didn't know what to say.

— I just want you to understand that even though you're brave enough to face anything to make your dream come true, I’m with you. I’m dreaming about it too, Cassandra. And I will be there for you, no matter how long it takes for you to get pregnant.

Toto leaned his forehead against hers, his eyes fixed on hers.

— Cassie, I will give you a child — he whispered — I promise you.

They stared at each other in silence for a few seconds. Her skin burned, her breath was heavy, and her heart was beating so fast she thought it might burst.

Cassie was tired of Toto's words. She wanted more than that.

She wanted him.

She moved to close the gap between them, tentatively touching her lips to his, and he obliged her. Toto's mouth was soft and his movements delicate, his thumbs caressing Cassie's cheeks with the same tenderness she had felt every time he held her hand during the seemingly countless exams and procedures she had undergone in the last few months.

Tilting her head slightly to the right, Cassie parted her lips as an invitation for him to explore her mouth. Her hands found their way to Toto's chest, fingers sliding against the fabric of his shirt, up to his collar. She grasped at it, holding herself tightly against him. It was as if he had taken away Cassie's ability to reason, or even breathe, and she didn’t care a bit. She just wanted him, and nothing else.

However, he didn't respond in the way she'd hoped.

— Cassie — Toto said, panting, his nose touching hers — No… We… No…

— Please…

— You're not okay right now — he tried to argue, as she brushed her lips against his, her fingers clenched in the fabric of his shirt.

— I need you — Cassie whispered, pleading to him. She had never dared say anything like that to him, but at that moment, Cassie felt like he was the one keeping her from going adrift in that sea of sadness. She needed to feel something beyond the agonizing emptiness that had gripped her since she found out she wasn’t pregnant. Toto was the only one who could transform that sadness into something more bearable.

She felt his hands slide from her face to her shoulders, pushing her away from his face. He looked sad and confused at the same time, his lips red from the friction of the kiss they’d just shared.

— Cassie, you need to rest — Toto said, in a serious tone — You look exhausted. You're going to stop drinking, go to your room, and I'm going to bring you something for the hangover. Then, you will sleep. Tomorrow, when you're nice and sober, we'll talk, okay?

She looked at him, confused. She had been drinking, but unlike the night she’d first resolved to have a child, when she'd downed an entire bottle, or the few nights after receiving the pregnancy test result, she'd only had two glasses. She wasn’t drunk at all, but she couldn't deny that she was tired. She’d slept very little since getting her test results, and it was fitful sleep when she did get it.

— Okay — she murmured.

He ran a hand through her hair, tucking a loose strand behind her ear.

— Now, go to your room, and I'll bring in some medicine and some water for you, okay?

Cassie pursed her lips, standing up and walking slowly into the bedroom, her mind scrambling for a way to get him to stay with her. She didn't want him to leave. She didn't want to spend another night alone, in that apartment, especially after that kiss. Cassie wanted more. She needed more. 

Cassie needed Toto like he was the air she breathed.

Her resolve gathered as she took her last few steps into her bedroom. As soon as Cassie entered, she shut the door behind her and ripped off the old T-shirt she was wearing. Then came her shorts, and her panties. She flung them into the pile of clothes that had been collecting in the corner of her bedroom for the last week. She ran her hand through her hair, taking a deep breath when she heard footsteps in the hallway outside of her door. “It's now or never”, she thought.

— That's the last — Toto began to say, looking up to see her completely naked. Suddenly, his words were lost on their way to his lips as they parted in shock, his eyes absorbing the image of her. She walked in slow steps towards him, the cold air of her flat causing goosebumps on her skin.

— You said I'm brave — she said, as he set the medicine and the glass of water down on top of the chest of drawers just inside of her bedroom door — That I go after what I want.

He swallowed hard.

— Well — Cassie said softly, running her tongue over her bottom lip — I want you.

The silence in the room stretched out for a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity to Cassie. Toto seemed to be trying to think of what to say, his gaze fixed on her face, as if searching for any hesitation or doubt in what she'd just said. However, she knew he wouldn’t find any. She was completely sure what she wanted at that moment.

— Fuck, Cassandra — Toto growled. He stepped forward and took her lips into a kiss that was nothing like the one they’d exchanged in the living room. There was no more shyness or hesitation. It was as if the tension that had been building between them had been released, leaving only the desire they had for each other in its place.

In the living room, he hesitated to go any further, but at that moment Toto didn't wait a second to start exploring her mouth, likely tasting the wine that was still on her tongue. If there were any sounds in the room, Cassie couldn't hear it. The only thing that rang in her ears was her pulse, strong, intense and fast. Her hands were at the back of his neck, gripping tightly, as if he would try to run away. Cassie would never let him get away, not now.

That night, he was hers alone.

With his hands resting on her waist, Toto began to lead her backwards, almost blindly, his fingers gently squeezing her skin and pulling her against his own body. Wrapping her arms around his neck, Cassie felt her body leaning back a little to bridge the considerable gap in height between her and the man she was kissing. However, with her breasts pressed against his chest, it felt like they were closer than ever, but all of their closeness wasn't enough. It never would be.

Cassie only realized what he was doing when she felt the back of her legs meet the edge of her mattress. Toto gently laid her down on her bed, her red hair spilling over her sheets in a coppery halo around her head, as he leaned over her body. Releasing her lips with a nibble, he lifted himself above her, taking a few seconds to catch his breath and look down at her, an expression of wonder on his face as his fingers gently traced over her cheeks.

— You look like an angel — he murmured — My angel.

She pulled him by the collar towards her, their lips crashing together in a kiss that was neither gentle nor delicate. Cassie had a lot to say, but at that moment, her kiss alone was able to convey everything she was feeling. She let her fingers slip down, trying to clumsily undo the buttons on his white dress shirt.

— Toto — Cassie managed to say, as his lips slid through her jaw towards her ear, kissing and nibbling her skin.

— What do you want, Cassie? — he whispered in her ear — Tell me what you want.

Words seemed completely scrambled in her mind, her brain struggling to put together a coherent sentence. After a few seconds, she managed to translate her wish into a sentence.

— I want you to take off this fucking shirt — she mumbled, feeling a shiver run through her body at the feel of his warm breath against her skin as he chuckled.

Toto sat back up for a moment, haphazardly trying to unbutton his shirt. He lost patience after the third button and yanked the shirt over his head, tossing it back over his shoulder with little care as to where it landed. Then he leaned over her again, but this time over Cassie's neck, his lips descending towards her breasts. When they found one of her nipples, she felt a delicate nibble, which made her gasp as she ran her hands through the dark strands of his hair.

He could tell it pleased her, so Toto continued licking and sucking her skin with enough passion to likely leave dark marks. She couldn't say that she wasn't leaving hers on him either, since while he was busy with her breasts, Cassie made a point of digging her nails into his back, a silent approval of his sensual exploration. However, it didn’t take long for her to become turned on to the point of discomfort. With one of his knees wedged between her legs, she began to rock her hips against him, hoping the friction of her pussy against the fabric of his pants would offer her some relief.

If she expected that to go unnoticed, she was wrong.

— What’s wrong, Cassie? — he asked, looking at her.

She whined, biting her bottom lip. 

— You want more?

She nodded, her brows pinching together in frustration.

— Tell me what you want — he said, his fingers stroking the side of her hip — Tell me and I'll give it to you, my angel.

Cassie took a few seconds to absorb the last two words. He had never called her anything other than her given name or the nickname she always introduced herself by. Him giving her a nickname made her feel special. Well, more special than he already made her feel, with all the attention and affection with which he treated her.

Running her tongue over her lower lip, Cassie looked into his darkened eyes.

— I want you inside me.

Toto was silent for a few seconds. 

— Are you sure?

She took his hand that was resting on her hip and brought it to the spot between her legs, rubbing his fingers against her pussy. She was practically dripping wet so it wasn't hard at all for them to slip through her folds, the touch of his fingers against her making her jaw clench.

— Yes.

Muttering something she didn't understand, Toto stood up again, unfastening his belt and taking down the zipper of his trousers, pulling them down along with his white underwear. The sight of him completely naked sent a wave of heat rushing over Cassie's skin, straight to the spot between her legs. 

She always thought Toto was handsome, but at that moment, as he repositioned her in the middle of the bed and placed himself between her open legs, she thought Toto was something else entirely — beautiful, almost otherworldly. He looked like something out of one of the frescoes painted in Pompeii or a Greek stone relief Cassie had seen in college, in a class of classical art. He looked like a god.

— Beautiful — she whispered, without thinking about it. 

Leaning over her body again, Toto didn't respond. He preferred to kiss her, with one of his hands sliding between her head and the mattress. A few seconds later, Toto leaned his forehead against hers and looked deeply in her eyes.

— Can I?

— Please — she whispered, pleading with him.

Cassie felt him position himself at her entrance and enter her, slowly and gently. It was an easy slide considering how wet she was, but he still took his time. However, it wasn't just the sensation of finally feeling him inside her that was making her feel pleasure. It was the way Toto looked into her eyes, his eyelids fluttering slightly, his lips parted and his nose brushing hers. It felt like he, too, was finally getting something he needed, that he’d wanted for a long time and felt like he couldn’t have.

When he was fully inside of her, Toto remained still for a few seconds. It looked like he was trying to process the sensations coursing through his body.

— Are you okay? — he asked, his teeth clenched.

Cassie didn't know how to answer that question. Physically she was more than fine, enjoying the delicious stretch of his cock filling her. But emotionally, she felt something strange, especially with the way he rested her head in his hand and the way he looked at her, searching for any trace of pain or discomfort.

— Yes — Cassie replied after a few seconds — Just… Fuck…

— Are you uncomfortable? Do you want me to pull out?

— No — she said, quickly, putting her hand on his arm — No. It's just… Fuck… It's… Very good…

— Do you want me to move?

She nodded, biting her lower lip. Her permission was enough for Toto to start thrusting his hips, slowly and gently at first. The movement made Cassie sigh, her fingers tightening on his arm. It had been awhile since she had had sex with anyone, if her last experience with a man could be even called sex.

It had been one night about a year ago, after a third date she'd had with a guy named Christian. After a few kisses and some increasingly daring fooling around, they ended up in bed together. However, the proceedings only took a few seconds of clumsy thrusting before he came and passed out on the mattress next to her, as if he was a teenage boy. She didn’t get a shred of satisfaction with the whole thing. The experience had been so bad that she'd considered being celibate. But with Toto inside of her, pressing delicate kisses to her as his hips drove into her, she couldn’t see herself ever living without wanting to experience this again.

She would gladly fuck him forever, especially if it meant getting to hear the low grunts he made with each thrust, and see the look of concentration on his face, the tip of his tongue peeking out of the corner of his mouth. She wanted more.

— Faster — she murmured, her eyes fixed on him.

— You want me to go faster, my angel?

— Please, faster — Cassie repeated, as Toto brought his free hand to one of her thighs and lifted it, wrapping her leg around his waist, changing the angle a bit so he could go deeper. Then he withdrew his hand from under her head and reached for her hand that was gripping the sheet beneath them, intertwining his fingers with hers as he quickened the rhythm of his hips. 

The room filled with the sounds of their pleasure, but it was more than that — there was an intimacy in that moment, as Toto held Cassie’s hand in his, the way he looked at her so tenderly, calling her the nickname he’d given her with such affection. It brought a few tears to Cassie’s eyes, but they weren’t tears of frustration or sadness, like they had been since she got her test results, but tears of pleasure, of happiness.

After some time, Toto slowed down, opting for deeper thrusts as he towered over her. Releasing her fingers, he took his hand to Cassie's face, sliding his fingers over her skin, wandering over her neck, chest and sternum, reaching her belly.

— I can't wait — he murmured, the words coming out in the rhythm of the thrusts  — To see your belly grow… With my child inside…

— Your child…

— You're going to be… The most beautiful… Mother in the world — Toto continued, his hand sliding down her abdomen, close to her navel.

— Fuck — she moaned, her spine arching as her fingers landed on his hand.

— I will give you… A child… My angel… I will… I promise…

— Please — she whimpered, her hand gripping his fingers, the muscles in her legs growing tighter — Fuck… Please…

— Cassie…

— Fuck, yes…

— I will… Pull out — he groaned, trying to hold on to the few threads of self-control he had left in that position — I will come… On you…

Cassie's eyes snapped open, grabbing onto Toto's hand.

— No — she answered bluntly, which made Toto stop, looking at her.

— What?

— Don’t pull out.

— Cassandra…

— Please, Toto. Don’t…

His serious expression changed into a smirk.

— Do you want me to come inside you?

She nodded.

Leaning over Cassie, Toto took her hand and led it back to the mattress. Then he resumed the movement of his hips, slowly, almost as if he wanted to tease her.

— Do you want… Me to come… Inside you… Cassie?

— Yes — she whined, lifting her other leg to his hips and moving her own, trying to maximize the sensation. He lowered his face further, touching his forehead to hers.

— I will come… Inside you…. But first… I want to… See you coming… My angel.

— Please — Cassie moaned — Please… 

 Lifting himself up again, Toto braced himself on the mattress and sped up the rhythm of his hips. The sensation of the imminent explosion was making the muscles in Cassie’s legs and back go taut. She was like a compressed spring. Her desire to come was becoming an urgent need.

Sliding her free hand between their entwined bodies, she began to massage her own clit, seeking relief from the pressure building inside of her. However, she felt his hand wrap around hers, removing her fingers from between her legs, replacing it with his own.

— Let me… Do it… For you — he said, his thumb drawing circles in her most sensitive point, matching the rhythm of his touches with his thrusts.

Closing her eyes, Cassie could only concentrate on the oncoming sensation, the bubble that was about to burst in her belly. She was close and the sounds that left her lips no longer made sense. It was an incomprehensible mix of grunts, moans, loose words and sighs every time Toto thrusted at her in the right angle.

And then, the bubble burst.

— Fuck — she gasped, lifting her chest and pressing her heels against the base of his spine, the wave of pleasure dragging her away from that room, away from that city, away from everything. Cassie's body was shaking, her toes curled, her hand clung to his, nails digging into skin while her mouth was slightly open and her eyes closed. She had arrived in heaven, surely. There was no other explanation for how good she felt.

When she felt the wave dissipate, her muscles spasming with the aftershocks, Cassie opened her eyes to Toto giving his last few thrusts before letting out a deep, guttural, almost primal growl, releasing himself inside her. The heat of his come inside her brought a smile to Cassie's face as she was still trying to catch her breath.

That feeling was indescribable.

As soon as he finished, Toto pulled out from her, collapsing onto the bed. The feeling of emptiness that washed over Cassie had her squeezing her thighs together, her eyes still lost on the ceiling. The silence stretched for long minutes, their breathing being the only sound in the bedroom. 

That was, without a doubt, the best sex she had ever had in her life. It was unlike anything she’d experienced with any other man she’d been with. "Maybe this is what they call making love," she thought, before mentally correcting herself.

There was no love between her and Toto. Well, at least on his part. Cassie liked him, cared about him, she wanted to have a baby with him more because of his desire to do things differently than for herself at that point. She wanted him to be happy, even if she had to condemn herself to being unhappy.

However, she didn't want to think about her own unhappiness in not being with someone she liked. That night, he was hers, and she would cling to that fact as long as she could.

 Cassie turned towards Toto, nestling her head against his chest. He nuzzled the top of her head with his nose and kissed the crown of her head. Beneath her ear, she could hear his heart beating. The heart that would never be hers.

It was that soft sound that made her fall asleep.

[that-one-producer]

Journal Entry: 8/10/24

I don’t really know where to start. But let’s start with the fact that I, Jay Lee-Kim have messed up entirely. I killed someone to protect my husband, to protect my integrity, to protect my pride, my ego. She attacked him and all I saw was red. My wolf consumed my body faster than my human side could comprehend and i snapped, went rogue and ended her life. Before I knew it, I was in Jail, blood on my hands, on my clothes, on my face. I couldn’t wash it off, I couldn’t get rid of it. Eric went home that day trying to figure out how to get me out but I was still berserk, my eyes never changed back but I didn’t resist I didn’t retaliate, I listened to all commands of law enforcement. My wolf was in control for a while, suppressing my human side because of the guilt. I don’t regret killing her but I regret the circumstances it became to get to that point.

Upon coming home I witnessed my two lovers fighting, my heart sunk even more. Watching them point blame’s at each other making it about themselves when I was the one who was really hurting inside so I turned to the one person I knew who would always have my back… my Son Jamie. Jamie and Aera took care of me. I cried and cried til I couldn’t cry anymore, I was numb and depressed. I lost myself upon coming home, I’m a different man than what I was before going to New York. Isaac and Arlo came to console me, Eric wasn’t anywhere to be found, having ran off with Danny like he normally does. I hadn’t spoken to him since the incident, he was still angry and upset, so I sat with my tail between my legs and my pride shut down, disconnecting my emotions for a while so no one could feel the hurt and sadness I was experiencing.

Killing her was not the problem for me, the problem is the amount of pride I bestowed upon myself that I wouldn’t ever kill any living being regardless of good or evil. She was evil, vile and wicked. Her soul belonging to the underworld as she roamed the halls of Fame aimlessly. None of this would have even happened if she didn’t take credit for tracks she didn’t write, she stole discrediting the people who spent hours trying to help her get a smash hit album. And now where am I? In a psych ward, mute and still numb, trying to come to terms with the fact that she’s gone and my life had drastically changed since then. For a while I thought I was getting better. Picking up old hobbies, going to see Joon for therapy, going running and swimming but it didn’t help the guilt I still felt on my human side.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m a failure or that I’m a bad person, but the trauma has been eating me alive, reliving the same moments over and over, shaking and screaming in terror every night when I’m asleep is a deeper feeling. The imagery spreads like wildfire, unable to really piece together the series of events that lead to that point. It was just self defense, I’m not a murderer. I was provoked and it was fight or flight mode. I couldn’t let her hurt Eric even more so I did what I did, I’m not proud of it but there’s nothing I can do about it now. My mental state is crippling and scattered. I’m not heavily drugged up but I’m drugged up enough to forget the pain, to forget the sorrow. I mourn the man I once was but I know I can be better, I can be stronger for the sake of myself and my family.

I must continue to strive and get better. Things are better between Eric and I as well as Isaac and Arlo. I miss them, I miss their warmth beside me, their hugs and kisses. I want to continue to grow and move past this. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself, for feeling weak, I often question my ranking as an Alpha because why did I feel remorse? A lot of unanswered questions zoom and buzz in my brain a million miles per minute. My values and integrity have changed, the perspective on life is much more different than the Jay I was before.

The stars will align soon again, I must get rid of the grief and open up more but my heart is resisting. Possibly because I’m not ready to face the outcome of everything just yet but I don’t constantly want to live my life in fear. I’m an alpha for fucks sake. This was probably a mess and all over the place but that’s the start of my journey. I hope in the future I can write more and be better.

Until next time - Jay

[the-cult-of-russo]

Poetic Tragedy (Part 4)

Pairing: Reader X Billy Russo

Warnings: Cursing, angst, sadness, substance abuse, mental health issues, mentions of sexual assault. This one’s a little dark and not really in a violent way (okay some of it is lmao). Just more the themes explored, I guess? 

A/N: This one’s a little shorter. Some sad bonding anyone? lmao

—------------------

Your eyes fluttered open and you groaned softly. Your body felt heavy, like it was being weighed down. Every inch of you, muscles you didn't even know you had, hurting like a bitch. The room was still bathed in darkness and a quick glance to the clock told you it was 5:32 am. You felt cold. Too cold. You sat up with a pained whimper, your body protesting at the movement as you started to shiver violently. Your eyes were blurry as they watered and you sniffled. You felt like you had the flu. Suddenly, Billy was sitting on the bed in front of you.

“Here, you need this,” he murmured, holding out a bottle of water. The angry face he wore earlier had seemed to vanish and now his dark eyes were looking over you with concern. You went to take it but your hands were shaking badly, you couldn't even grab it. So Billy put one hand under your chin as the other helped you drink it. You drank greedily, feeling like you hadn't had a drink in weeks. You gasped when you were done, quickly pulling your cardigan tighter around yourself as you trembled. Billy got up and you were wondering what he was doing, but then you felt your stomach roll terribly. You dove off the bed, slipping but catching yourself on the wall before you ran to the bathroom. You dropped to your knees with a hard thud and just managed to throw up into the toilet. The water you just drank came up along with the food Karen had given you the night before. Your heaves were painful, your stomach clenching so hard it felt like it was trying to implode in on itself. You felt like you couldn't breathe and you knew this wasn't even the worst of it. You cried between your heaves, hands clenching the toilet bowl tightly as you willed it to stop. Willed the pain to end. You felt a hand holding your hair from your face, another rubbing your back soothingly. You knew Billy was speaking but you couldn't hear him over your painful dry heaves after your stomach ejected everything out of it. You felt odd, almost like you were drunk as your head spun. Everything felt like it was moving around you. You cried into the toilet bowl, murmuring nonsense as you swayed. Then you fell into a heap in front of the toilet as you passed out.

When you next woke up, it was with a pained cry as you sat up, eyes snapping open. You gasped, writhing in pain as the heat seemed to consume you. You felt like someone was roasting you alive and you felt the pain down to your bones. 

“No… No, please,” you mumbled deliriously, getting out of bed and stumbling.

“Y/N… what is it?” Billy asked. Your eyes were everywhere yet taking in nothing as you tugged your cardigan off like it had offended you. But suddenly he was in front of you, putting his cool hand to your face.

“Shit,” he muttered as he went to move his hand away. You whined, feeling the loss of the cold immediately. 

“It’s… It’s too hot… I can’t…” you rambled as you started to tug your clothes off.

“What… Don’t do that,” Billy frowned, shaking his head but you really couldn't focus on him when you felt this intense burning. You were left in nothing but your panties but you didn’t feel any relief and you let out a pathetic sob.

“I… Please make it stop. Make the burning stop please,” you begged brokenly, swaying on your feet. His cool hand took one of yours and you almost fell over as he slowly guided you to the bathroom. You heard the shower go on and then Billy picked you up, putting you in the bath under the shower. You leaned against the wall, closing your eyes as the cold water pelted your skin, but it didn't do much to quell the raging fire on the inside.

“Just… Just stay here, alright? I’ll be back in a minute,” he murmured, quickly leaving the room. Your head came to rest on the tiles as you sniffled, shaking your head. You couldn't do this. You really couldn't. You knew this could last anywhere from three to ten days. You couldn't stand three more days of this hell, let alone ten. The thought made your knees buckle. You needed him to let you go. You had no money but you knew you could get your shit off Josh. You’d just sleep with him, it wasn't like you hadn't done it before. Maybe if you let him touch you properly, you could get a longer supply. You just needed to get out of here, needed to convince Billy to let you leave. You’d do whatever it took for this to stop. 

You got out of the shower, still soaking wet, but you ignored it as you padded into the bedroom, using the wall as support as you went. Billy was talking in a hushed voice on the phone but as he glanced at you, he quickly hung up.

“You should get back in there, sweetheart,” he soothed, a small frown on his face as he looked at you. He seemed like a different person from the one you knew. When he got to you, you fell to your knees at his feet.

“Please. Please just let me go. I can’t do this, I can't. I’ll do anything you want, anything, just please,” you begged desperately, reaching for his belt. That's what guys always wanted, right? Maybe he’d let you go if you gave him something. But as you started to undo his belt, his hands snatched yours as he looked down at you in shock.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he asked incredulously. A heaving sob left your lips as you hung your head in shame, your hands still in his as you cried. What were you doing? Trying to service him like this all for some shit you didn't even really want. But you needed it and it was all you could think about. Your sobs were loud and painful, raw and broken. You felt your hands drop to your lap as you sat there wet and just in panties, shame curling around you tight. You wondered if he’d had enough of your bullshit now. If he’d stop trying to be nice to you at all. But then you felt a large fluffy towel being wrapped around you. You blinked your blurry tearful eyes at him as he sat on the floor at your side, his legs spread either side of you. And then he pulled you to his chest as he embraced you. It made you cry harder at the human contact you’d always been denied as he rubbed your back with one hand as the other cradled your head. You just wept brokenly into his chest.

“It’s gonna get better,” he murmured softly, stroking your wet hair. You shook your head against his chest, your own heaving as you tried to breathe through your tears.

“I can’t do it, I can’t,” you lamented painfully. He moved you away from his chest, his hands gripping your shoulders as he made you look at him. You wobbled a little, trying to get your eyes to focus but the pain was distracting.

“You can. You’re strong, Y/N. All the shit you’ve been through, and here you are, still fightin’ every damn day. I know this is hard, I know you think you can't do it, but you can. You just gotta fight it, sweetheart. I know you can do it,” he implored, his dark eyes boring into you. You wanted to believe him, wanted to believe you could do this and finally be free of all of it. But all you felt was utter devastation and hopelessness. You really hadn't expected him to be your biggest cheerleader with how he acted the night before, but you were grateful you weren't going through this alone, even if he had forced this on you.

“I just… It… hurts,” you sniffled miserably. He gave you a pitying look as his hands came to cradle your face and he wiped the rivulets of tears cascading down it.

“I know it does, but I’m here. Gonna take good care of you, alright? Whatever you need,” he soothed. 

He stood up and you watched from the floor as he toed his boots off before taking off his hoodie. You had no idea what he was doing but you groaned, shifting at the pain as it seemed to ricochet off every part of your body. He took his shirt off then and afterwards, his jeans. It left him in just a black pair of boxers and you might have appreciated the sight more if you didn't feel like you were on the verge of death. He was beautiful, even with all of his scars. You hadn't really noticed before since he’d been so antagonistic towards you. He came back over, helping you up to your feet. Your head was spinning like you were on a merry-go-round and he guided you back to the bathroom where the shower was still running cold. He picked you up again only this time, he stepped into the shower with you. In the back of your head, a voice was telling you that he wasn't feeling the same burning pain you were and the freezing water wouldn't be pleasant for him, but he made no complaints about it. He’d kept your towel on, probably for your modesty, and it felt like it was taking all of your energy just to stand up. He wrapped his arms around you and you sagged against his chest, letting the water try to put out the fire you were feeling. He stayed in the shower with you for what felt like hours but it could have been minutes for all you knew. Nothing made sense anymore. But eventually, he helped you out of it and even dried you since you hadn't been able to do it yourself. He’d carefully averted his eyes as he did but drew the line as getting you out of the wet panties. He’d given you his t-shirt to wear. It was large on you, coming mid-thigh. It smelt like him though and it was oddly comforting. He ended up putting you back in bed and sitting beside you, leaning against the wall. You gravitated towards him without thinking in your current state, needing to feel something cold. His smooth skin was freezing to the touch and you curled around him, your head on his chest. He didn't move away though and instead, he wrapped an arm around you, the other coming to your hair, much like he had on the floor.

“Tell me something, anything. I need a distraction,” you mumbled pleadingly into his chest. The heat wasn't as intense as it was before but you still felt pain in every part of your body and you knew the heat would come back eventually. You felt him rubbing your scalp and you tried to focus on the pleasant feeling instead of everything else you were going through. His body tensed a little at your words and you felt him roll his shoulder. You’d seen him do that a few times, you wondered why.

“I uh… My mom gave me up as a kid. She was a jun-... an addict. Decided drugs were more important than her own son,” he started quietly. You felt a pang of something in your chest that felt a lot like guilt. You weren't sure if this had anything to do with the reason why he felt the need to make you go through this. 

“Ended up in a group home. No one wanted me so I stayed there until I aged outta the system. Then I joined the Marines, met Frank and… Well, you know the rest,” he muttered. You nodded against him, starting to shiver once again. His arm tightened around you as you whimpered softly and squeezed your eyes shut.

“Back at the group home, there was this guy… I was about 10 or 11 and he… let’s just say he liked me a little too much. He didn’t manage to… I got him good with a stickball bat but he broke my arm and tore my rotator cuff,” he breathed, shifting a little under you. Your heart ached at his story, knowing all too well what it was like to be taken advantage of.

“When you asked me why I play hero… It's ‘cause… There’s real evil out there. People like… like Arthur or… or Rawlins. They take what they want and they don't give a shit. Some of ‘em prey on the vulnerable and they… they just fly under the radar and get away with it. Or some of ‘em are so high up the food chain they think they're untouchable. And that's why I do what I do. ‘Cause people like that need to be dealt with. It ain’t just the… the mobs and the murderers, ‘cause murder ain’t the worst thing that can happen to someone. If I can stop even just one person from hurtin’ someone else, makin’ them go through that pain, then I will,” he rambled uncertainly. It was hard for his earnest words to soak through the pain-filled haze you were in. With your temperature so high, you felt out of it and delirious. Like you’d had a few bottles of whisky. 

“You’re a good man, Billy Russo,” you mumbled, voice muffle slightly with how hard you were pressing your face to his chest seeking out his coolness. He scoffed at your words and you looked up as he shook his head.

“No, I’m not. I’ve done a lot of bad shit. You were right the other day, I am an asshole. And yeah, I do this to help people but I do love the violence. Somethin’s always been broken in me and… and after what Rawlins did to me…” he trailed off, his eyes gazing at the wall opposite and they looked unfocused. 

“Doesn’t mean you're not a good man. You help people, put yourself in danger to help them. That makes you a good man, none of the rest matters,” you whispered, eyes fluttering shut. You didn't get to hear his response because you ended up passing out on him.

Hours went by, rotating between the shower and the bed as your body took a beating. Now you were lying on the bed, duvet off as you shivered violently despite how hot you felt. Goosebumps kept breaking out all over your skin and every time they did, it felt like someone was skinning you alive. Billy was perched on the bed, still only in his boxers and you still wearing his shirt. He was holding a cool damp cloth to your forehead as he watched you cry and whimper as you shook.

“Curtis is gonna come and check on you. Make sure this is all… normal,” he muttered tensely. His eyes drifted from you to the door before back to you and you wondered if he was worried you’d bolt it as soon as the door opened. You didn’t think you could with the state you were in. You couldn't move. Not long after, Billy got up and unlocked the door and Curtis came in. He shot you a pitying look with a sigh before he went over to you.

“Hey, Y/N. How are you feeling?” he asked, giving you a sad smile. You couldn't even answer him, a pathetic sob leaving your lips as you lay there shivering. 

“This is… this is normal, right?” Billy asked from where he stood near the door, a panicked edge to his voice. Curtis looked you over again before walking over to Billy.

“Afraid so,” he shook his head with a frown. Billy shifted on his feet, his dark eyes flicking from you to Curtis rapidly.

“Can’t you do somethin’ about the pain? She’s hurtin’ real bad,” he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“There’s nothing we can do, she just has to ride it out. I’m sorry, brother,” Curtis said apologetically. Billy nodded, the movement jerky as he took a deep breath and rolled his shoulder. 

“Alright… thanks,” he bit out. 

“I got you this, courtesy of Karen. It's lasagne,” Curtis smiled wryly as he handed Billy a Tupperware tub. It idly occurred to you then that Billy hadn't eaten the time he’d been with you. You weren't sure how long it had been and you would have felt guilty if you weren't in agony. 

“I appreciate it, man. Tell Karen thanks,” Billy sighed. Curtis gave him a friendly tap to the arm, shooting you one last sad look before he left. 

You noticed Billy hadn’t locked the door. But weirdly enough, even if you’d had the energy to move, you didn't want to leave anymore. You’d gone through hell and while it wasn't over, you were already knee-deep in this shit. You'd already suffered and it would all be for nothing if you went running off chasing the high once again. Billy’s encouraging words were on a loop in your mind like a mantra as you went through this. You tried to cling to them, to believe you could do this. The addict you was desperate, reckless and riddled with shame. You didn't want to be her anymore, you wanted to be the old you. The one that didn't feel like she’d die if she didn't get her next fix. You couldn't even remember what it was like to not have to worry about all that shit. To just be you without that weighing down on you. You weren't sure how much longer you had to suffer for but you no longer felt the desperate need to leave. You wanted to do this, you wanted to get to the finish line. And you had Billy here to help you, to encourage you to do it. He’d told you that in a few days you’d be thanking him and you knew deep down he was right. You’d never have gotten clean if it was up to you since you’d been too scared to go through with it. You no longer felt angry he’d forced you into this. While the drugs had once numbed you to the pain of the rape, it didn't help you like you thought it would. It became a reminder of it every single time you used, remembering why you started using in the first place. All it did was continue your trauma and add more on top. The man that did this to you didn't just take your dignity. Didn't just take your virginity or your innocence. He’d taken your life from you, turning you to a life of addiction. You’d wasted so much of your life because of the trauma and now you would finally be able to close this chapter of your life. 

Taglist: (if you’ve been asked to be tagged and aren’t here, it wouldn’t let me tag some people.)

@firexfate​

@blanchedelioncourt​

@ariesbutalibra​

@sunshinedaisies-anddeath​

@snowkestrel​

@music-indie-tv​

@idaofinfinity​

@sweetserendipity65​

@ramadiiiisme​

@k-marzolf​

[fighterkimburgess]

bigger than the whole sky

Summary: When Kim miscarries, Adam stays in the hospital room with her. And for the first time in four years, she listens to what he has to say.

Words: 1.6k

Warnings: post 7x13, miscarriage, hospital, mentions of miscarriages and medical procedures.

—

It was quiet. So quiet.

Despite the monitor leads connected to Kim’s body the unit wasn’t beeping, she could feel the heat of Adam beside her. Feel his hand on hers, his breath against her hair as he helped support her. But she couldn’t hear anything. It was like the world had closed to just the small room in Med, and the pain ripping through her abdomen was the only thing she was aware of as her body caught up with the words stuck in her brain.

The abdominal trauma you suffered was severe. The pregnancy was lost. There’s no heartbeat.

Round and round they went in her head as she half sat, half laid on the bed. Wishing and hoping that it was simply a cruel mistake. But the pad between her legs and the bag of blood they’d had to give her was proof that it wasn’t. At fifteen weeks her pregnancy was over. She hadn’t really even started to show unless she was in the quiet of her bedroom, standing in just her bra and staring in the mirror as what she’d played off as bloating had just turned into a tiny, perfect bump. But that was no more.

Kim hadn’t even known that she was crying until Adam’s hand was on her cheek, calloused fingers carefully wiping the salty liquid away so they didn’t fall into the scrapes in her face. They began to fall harder and Adam’s arm pulled her to him, holding her steady. He was there and solid and she clutched to him, finally hearing something as her previously silent tears turned to violent sobs, desperate for some escape. It was over. It was all over and it was her fault and she’d lost their baby.

She’d known that she was pregnant for eleven weeks. They had a scan booked for the following week, Adam booking the time off work to come to it and meet their baby for the first time. They’d bought a baby name book, tossing names back and forth at lunch. He was about to move in and had given his landlord notice. Her life was going to change because of this baby, and now they were gone and it was all because of her. They were never going to meet their first child, and that was entirely Kim’s fault and she didn’t know how to react to that. The crushing weight of guilt and the bone deep sadness of their loss hit her as Adam held onto her, rubbing her back and holding her against his chest as he soothed her from the emotional pain it had caused her. The guilt of being the cause of their child’s death was all consuming, and she didn’t know what else to do apart from cry.

“I’ve got you. I’m right here, Kim, I’ve got you,” he murmured as she sobbed, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. A member of staff came into the room, whether thanks to the noise or the monitors Kim didn’t know, but Adam lifted a hand from her back to shoo them away as she clutched to him. She’d refused the sedative that had been offered earlier, determined to feel the pain that she’d caused. She’d killed her child, she could at least experience the physical pain of losing them too.

Even when her tears had stopped she stayed there in Adam’s arms, safe and secure and unwilling to let him go. Once she moved away from him he could leave, and she knew he’d want to get far away from her and she didn’t blame him, but the comfort was too much to lose. She needed to be held and cared for, even if as soon as the bubble they were in was popped he’d hate her. And she couldn’t blame him for that.

“Do you need more painkillers? Adam’s voice pierced the silence after she let out a small groan of pain. It was the first completely clear noise she’d heard since arriving at Med in the passenger seat of his jeep.

“I didn’t take any. I didn’t want them.”

“For me? I don’t want to see you in any more pain. You need to be able to rest.” His voice was soft and Kim nodded, moving away to lay against the bed alone, immediately missing his warmth. Before she could truly miss it he’d settled back down and pulled her back to rest against him, hitting the call button and speaking to the nurse. The medication was injected into her IV in minutes, easing the pain and making her sleepy. The only thing running through her head as her eyes began to close was how much she’d missed Adam holding her in his arms.

When Kim woke to the dawning light she’d expected to be totally alone. But even as the pain started again that warmth she’d fallen asleep to was right there with her. She could feel Adam’s hand running up and down her arm, and he’d stayed. He’d stayed with her the whole night.

Even when she tried sending him away from her he stayed. She tried telling him that she didn’t deserve him to be there, that she should be alone and didn’t want to take up his time. But Voight had firmly told him he wasn’t going to work, and Adam refused to let Kim be alone. On the rare occasions that he left the room to get himself food, or to change his clothes and shower, he made sure that Kevin or Platt were with her. Apart from that first night she barely spoke to anyone, but they made sure that she was never alone. Adam was never gone for long anyway, constantly coming back within twenty minutes and was always there whenever the doctors came back to check on her. Even the awkward exams he sat on the chair facing the head of her bed, holding her hand and keeping her attention on him and not the medical professionals. She was prodded and poked at, but after three days when the bulk of the miscarriage was finally over she was allowed to leave. Instead of going alone, Adam’s arm was around her as she left the wheelchair and took her first steps outside the hospital door.

She thought he’d just drop her home, but instead he got out of the jeep and followed her up in the elevator to settle her on the couch before making a coffee for them. Even when he sat in the couch his arm went around her, pulling her close and helping Kim relax.

“Is this because I didn’t immediately want them? Because I paused? Because I almost made the appointment? Is that why it happened? If I’d been happy, if I’d prayed for them to be healthy would we still have them?” She didn’t expect him to answer her, thought the words would disappear into thin air in front of them.

“No. Not in a million years…” he paused and Kim could nearly hear the gears turning in his head. “Some bird flapped it’s wings in Asia and we lost our baby. A million coincidences had to happen perfectly for this, and I wasn’t fast enough. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I should have been there. For both of you.”

It took a moment for the words to settle in her soul, but she reached out to clutch his hand, her left reaching for his right and holding onto him tightly for the first time in four years.

“I was the one who went in. I was just thinking about Laura and saving her for her mother. I should have thought about our baby and being a mother.” She shifted and frowned, a cramp moving through her belly as Adam pulled her closer.

“Do you still keep a heat pack in the medicine cabinet?” Kim nodded, watching as he went to the bathroom and returned with the flannel covered heat pad in his hands. He put it through the microwave before putting the cover back on and handing it to Kim to place on her abdomen. The heat immediately helped ease her discomfort and she rested her head on his shoulder.

“You’ll be a good dad, one day. Whoever makes you a dad is going to be a lucky woman to raise a child with you.”

It was a comfortable silence between them again for a few moments, Adam pushing a kiss to her forehead as Kim revelled in the comfort.

“If Hailey had gotten pregnant last year I don’t think I’d have been ok. We never talked about kids together, she wouldn’t have been ok either I think. But you and me? We’d be good parents. You’re going to be a brilliant mom some day soon, Kim. Any kid who gets to call you mom is very lucky.”

She sat there, curled up in Adam’s arms fully aware of what he’d said. And in a couple of weeks, when she was healed, she knew that they had to have a serious conversation about what they both wanted. Even in the pain they were experiencing, even knowing that they’d probably spend the rest of their lives pining and living without their first child, she knew that she and Adam wanted each other. And after this pain that was bigger than anything, bigger than the stars and the whole sky, they deserved whatever happiness they could grab.

Burzek Taglist: @aruzlover @haiileyshalstead @morganupstead  @adamruz @fullwattpadmusictree @redpoodlern @everythingaddictxx @write4life13 @jeanjacketjesus @tuxieboy101-blog @thelittlepterophyllum @planecrazylex @sophiatellerrhodes @ossypooh @kimburgess-ruzek @thestarrynightslover @reidskitty13 @etamne @torreshalstead @itsnotpersonalbut @kellykidd @dedlund82 @pinkwhitebrown @mmacke3613 @upsteadlovingheart @ittybitty-tittycommittee @takemetooneverlanddd @oracle23 @thedefinitionofendgame @headlightsatmidnight @butterflylies @afriendlyneighborhoodhufflepuff @withakindheartx @bebataylor84 @whoiamwhoistrivetobe @multicouple-lover @eviehalstead212 @soupysoup @daniellexoc3 @storiesofsvu @keenmarvellover 

[vizthedatum]

After I left you and before I even filed for divorce and the PFA (November 28, 2022)… you liked one of my Instagram photos. The one where I posted the pictures we took on Valentine’s Day 2020 (https://www.instagram.com/p/B8khZjhJS-k). I didn’t even realize that you hadn’t liked it before (you had withdrawn from a lot of social media and I didn’t think much of you not liking or liking things).

You liked the post while I was desperately trying to defend your behavior. Telling people that you didn’t mean to hurt me so badly. That it wasn’t as bad as the others.

I was also desperately reaching out to you through email. I didn’t understand why you were being so cold. When I left, you told me you’d always love me.

I needed reasons for me not to file for divorce. I needed you to show me that you were sorry. That you were going to at least be my friend.

I was staying at a friend’s place, and I ranted to her about my theories about what had happened. I met her initially only because of you. Now she’s one of my closest friends, and she wants nothing to do with you. Remember how she loved our vibe when you first introduced us? I miss that day.

I was in a serious brain fog and I was struggling to stay cognizant.

It was so hard.

When I saw you liked a post depicting one of our sweetest dates, a date that you talked about in our vows…. I thought I couldn’t breathe all over again.

I told my friend, who was sitting by me, and she thought IT WAS SO LOW. She immediately voiced her concern that you were fucking with me.

I think you missed what we were. A part of why you liked the post could have been more stupid mind play or control or something - but I think you were ALSO sad, and you missed us.

You did that - and I...: I missed you. I was angry. I was heartbroken. I was confused. I remembered our whole date in full color. Images flashed through. I MISS YOU SO MUCH. I miss our life. I miss our time. I miss being comfortable with you. I don’t fucking care sometimes about being a frog in boiling water - you know? I wish so hard that I could go back and let you drain me of life - just so I could be yours forever. I would have done that for you if my friends didn’t help pull me out after I made my decision to leave. I had already given up my baby. So I would have given up everything else. I honestly think I would have ended up fairly immobile or needed extra physical support. My inflammation would have risen to unbearable levels again. But we would be together, alone. I would have pushed myself to clean more eventually. Play the games you like. I would have blocked my other partner, all other lovers, my friends, and anyone who disagreed with your worldview. I would have done it. I would try to learn things but fail. I would eventually stop consuming any media or stories. I would resort to playing a song on repeat for days while I sat or laid there catatonically. I would tell you that you were right to take my meds away - I truly would not be trusted. I’d slowly stop doing things. I had already started to stop eating as much. Couldn’t even feel so many things in my body, except pain. One day, I’d stop talking to my brother. It would just be you. And then I’d tell you I love you and mean it. And, what I’ve told my psychiatrist multiple times since leaving, then I’d truly disappear forever in all the senses. It would be the final, and the end. That’s how far I was prepared to go.

I even thought about what would happen after I was gone. You’d be devastated of course. I wonder if you’d coordinate the services virtually or not. How would you explain to my parents. Could you even reach out to all my friends? What would you tell them? That “Pri” was unstable and that you can’t believe this happened and that all the close people in your life end up dying? You’d cry a lot, and I know you’d mean it.

What would you tell my brother? Someone who I had been fighting to help stay alive for almost his whole life??? Would you take on that responsibility - would you do what I’ve done - would you even understand what I’ve done - would you stop him when he would inevitably try again - would you develop nightmares about waking up and he’s gone - would you protect him because he’s the last of me left - would you leave him - would you tell him about me - would you tell him how sick I had become - would you tell him that I did things that you thought were disgusting.

I wish you didn’t like that post. I wish you weren’t awful. I wish I had the life I wanted. I wish I were happy. I wish you could understand what you did to me.

I wish I wouldn’t have to tell my future partners and friends and… children that I was married before. A marriage I really wanted. With someone who I thought could never intentionally hurt me. Who would be there. My life partner. I was so sure. I was so hopeful.

And now, I’m so much better than I have been in years. Yet, I still wish I could come home to you and share everything in my life with you. I was walking home from hanging out with my friends and I wanted nothing more than to tell you about my night… but I sobbed in the middle of the dark street instead.

Happy anniversary week. I love you so much even though I hate you. I never want to see you again. I wish you’d sign the divorce papers.

I am glad I left. The life I want is so much bigger and brighter… and finally within reach now.