#i didn’t even think i’d get this far tbh. i walked out of that interview and i was like ‘i didn’t get it’

[fingertipsmp3]

Got an offer for the job I thought I’d bombed the interview for 🎉🎊🎉

[parkersbliss]

Press Week | T. Holland

Pairing: Tom Holland X Famous!Actress!Reader

Warnings: no-no words maybe?? sexual innuendo, lots of fluff, lost of dialogue, a lot of 1D references but you probably won’t see them

WC; 3K

synopsis: just three times you and Tom were too adorable during press week

a/n: I had too much fun with this, tbh these are all based of actual interviews so don’t come for me

Masterlist | Taglist | Prompt List

—

"I'm Tom Holland."

"That does not sound like me!" Tom protests, mock offense displayed on his face.

"You're right, you're right, my bad. Okay, let me try again," You said, coughing you slap your chest a few times. "I'm Tom Holland!" You said using your best British accent and high pitched voice.

Tom smacks his lips together, rolling his eyes, "And I'm (Y/N) (L/N)!" He said, making sure to do an over the top impression of you.

"And we're answering the internet!" You announced, lifting a jar full of paper slips to the camera. You pull out the first piece of paper, reading it over yourself, thinking over an answer before saying it out loud, "What's your guy's go-to date night?"

You and Tom both look at each other before turning back toward the camera, "Netflix and cuddles."

"Not chill," You clarified, "this is a family-friendly show, Netflix and cuddles."

"Although," Tom objects, "sometimes we chill," he winks at the camera. You slap his arm for the comment and he yelps in pain, "Kidding!"

"Moving on." You hand the jar to Tom and he rummages around a bit before pulling out a random slip of paper.

"What's the worse feeling in the world?"

You pause, tapping your chin as you think. "Oh! Do you know when you're like really excited to get an apple and you go and get it and you're expecting it to be all crisp, juicy and sweet and instead you bite into it and it's kind of soft and a bit dry?"

Tom bursts out laughing next to you, burying his head in his hands as his body shakes with laughter, "oh my god, I love you," He spoke.

"I love you too?" You said although it came as more of a question. You weren't quite sure why Tom was laughing so hard, you were being serious.

He gathers his composure, wiping a few tears from his eyes, "Okay, so now that my girlfriend gave her ridiculous answer."

"It's not ridiculous! You asked and I answered," You interrupted, crossing your arms. Tom rolls his eyes, patting your knee gently.

"The worse feeling in the world for me does not have to do with food," He makes sure to give you the side-eye at the comment, "It’s when (Y/N) gets mad and I'll tell her to 'calm down, baby' I made that mistake once and I never will again."

You nod your head, giving the camera a serious look and pointing a finger, "Seriously don't tell your girlfriend or boyfriend that or they will strangle you."

"I've experienced it firsthand," Tom backs you up, "It's not my preferred method to be choked."

The whole room goes silent and you can feel your cheeks burning up in embarrassment at his comment, of all the things that come out of his mouth he had to say that? Tom glances at you, scratching the back of his neck, he mumbles a sorry and quickly hands you the jar of paper. You’re quick to pull out another question to change topics, "I simp for Tom's biceps any day."

Tom wiggled his eyebrows, flexing his muscles at the camera and you giggle, wrapping an arm around the muscle, "Honestly, me too."

Tom smirks, flexing a bit more and you gasp, making dramatic camera motions as he goes.

"What's the next question, lovie?" he asked.

You dig into the jar pulling out a slip, "How can I die for Tom Holland without being dramatic?"

Tom blushes, letting out a soft chuckle, before looking down at his converse and back toward the camera, "I don't know, maybe just don't die for me?"

You pat Tom's shoulder, flashing an apologetic smile at the camera, "Sorry, he gets flustered easily."

Tom scoffs, swatting your hand away, "do not."

You quirk an eyebrow at him, but say no more and read the next question to yourself, laughing.

Tom looks over your shoulder, before you fold the paper up again, "What? What is it?"

"How can I be (Y/N)'s new boyfriend?"

"Absolutely not!" Tom screams, ripping the paper from your hand, crushing it as you laugh, almost falling off your seat.

"She is perfectly happy with me!" He huffed, chucking the piece of paper offset as you continue to giggle next to him.

"Position already filled," You told the camera, leaning over to press a quick kiss to Tom's cheek.

"I think I’ll be picking the next question." Tom takes the jar from you and pulls out the next one, "If you guys could date anyone else in the world, without offending the other, who would it be?"

"Louis Tomlinson," You said, not missing a beat. At the same time, Tom says, "I wouldn't."

"oh shit," You giggle, biting your lip as you look to Tom.

His mouth falls open as he tosses the paper aside, "Of all the people and you pick my favorite member of One Direction?"

"Well, he's your favorite for a reason, no?" You counter.

"The man's got great hair, I won't lie. He's funny as hell, but I'd like to think my girlfriend prefers me than an ex-boy band member."

"It was a hypothetical question," You reassure him before adding, "but Louis if you're watching this my number is-"

Tom slaps a hand over your mouth, "Don't even think about it."

You stare at Tom, looking back down at his hand and he catches on quickly, "babe," he warns.

You giggle before licking his hand and he retracts it quickly, wiping it down, "Babe," He whines as you laugh.

"We're very professional," You point toward the camera, smirking as Tom continues to wipe his hand on his jeans.

"That's why they put us in this interview together," Tom said, still wiping his hand.

"Anyway," You take the jar back from Tom. "While my boyfriends freaking out because I licked his hand and I literally kissed him this morning, let's move on to the next question." You slip your hand in the jar, mixing up the paper a bit before picking out a random one, "PLEASE bring back the bed selfies."

Tom laughs, "See here's the thing, I would, truly, but (Y/N) doesn't like when I post myself shirtless and I quote, 'looking like perfect boyfriend material.'"

You scoff, "Priorities, Tom, Priorities. I'll let you post them when I get to be cuddled in your chest as well."

Tom shrugs, looking into the camera, "that can be arranged."

...

"We have some very special guests here with us today," The host said, causing all the fans to clap and cheer. "You might know him as the fishbowl man, but ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jake Gyllenhaal!"

The crowd claps as Jake jogs onto the stage, he stands arms open as he accepts their applause. He makes a more motion with his hands, to which the fans obey. He laughs, taking a bow as he takes his seat on the far end of the table.

"Next up we have the man, the legend, the one who plays your favorite sixteen year old from Queens, Mr. Tom Holland!!"

The crowd loses their mind as Tom strolls onto the stage, he stands, blushing, mouthing thank you as he bows repeatedly, blowing a kiss to the crowd while flexing a muscle. He takes his place next to Jake, tapping his microphone, "I'd like everyone to give a warm welcome to our other new member, you may know her as Eva Rose, but to us, we call her (Y/N) (L/N) or as I like to say, my lovely girlfriend," he winks.

The fans cheer, clapping and screaming as you take the stage. You smile, waving back at them and blowing a kiss, doing a little shimmy to your seat, where Tom pulls you down for an innocent kiss that makes the fan scream.

"I'd like to welcome our next guest, my best friend, and a walking goddess Zendaya!" You said into the mic. She struts onto stage, doing a little twirl as the fans cheer. She waves, grinning as she bows and takes her place next to you.

"And finally, we have, everyone's favorite, the only reason you want to see this movie, Jacob Batalon!" Tom grinned, waving his best mate on stage. Jacob runs on, fanning himself in mock excitement, laughing as he takes the last seat.

"Hey, guys! How is everyone?" The interviewer asks.

"We're good!" Tom said, waving to all the fans, "happy to be here."

"So this your second movie and obviously the cast has changed a bit, can you tell us what it was like working with them?"

Tom nods his head, looking toward Zendaya and Jacob, "Um, I think it was a really cool experience working with (Y/N) and Jake. It was kind of surreal to be working with such big names in the business, ya know? I met the love of my life on set too, so that was kind of a big plus."

You shrug, leaning into the mic, "it was just a big plus, that's all it was."

"Trust me, you didn't want to be on set when (Y/N) wasn't around. All Tom would do is gush about her for hours on end. I thought my ears were going to fall off," Zendaya pipes up, laughing as Tom goes red in the face.

"He got the girl, didn't he?" Jake asked.

You nod your head, "I think he did, not quite sure."

Tom swings his arm over your shoulder, "No I definitely did."

You look up at him, taking the chance to press a quick kiss to his lips and he hugs you a bit closer. Jake rolls his eyes as Jacob and Zendaya fake gag.

"You should've seen them on set, it was horrific."

The interviewer laughs, "I assume that means you guys have some embarrassing stories to tell?"

"Plenty."

The interviewer goes around asking questions about the movie-making process, filming, stories from the set, and questions from fans. You unscrewed the lid to your water bottle, taking a sip and Tom uses the opportunity to gently tilt it upwards, causing more water to come out. You cough, wiping down the water that drips down your chin as you glare at Tom. He smirks, giving you a coy smile and you have to resist the urge to slap it right off his face. A few fans had noticed the interaction and were pointing to you two, giggling. You lean over, whispering in Tom's ear, "I'm going to get you back for that."

He turns toward you, covering his mic, "I'd like to see you try."

"If you could play any other character, who would you want to play?" The interviewer asks.

Tom uncovers his mic, leaning in to answer, "Um, I think I'd like to play-"

You poke him in his cheek and he turns his head toward you, "yes?"

"Nothing carry on."

"As I was saying I think I'd like-"

You poke him again.

"Babe."

"Nothing."

He continues speaking and this time you let him go a bit longer before yet again, poking him in his cheek, this time he continues, swatting your hand away, only restoring in you poking him more as he continues to try and speak.

"I'm sorry," Tom said, "My girlfriend is making it very hard to answer."

You smile sweetly, "No one cares what you have to say anyway. I'd love to play MJ."

Zendaya laughs, "I'd like to play maybe... Shuri could be a lot of fun."

The interviewer moves on to some fan questions, handing them mics so they could talk to you.

"Hi my name is Isaac," One of them said.

"Hi, Isaac!" You all chorused.

"I'd like to first say I love you, (Y/N)."

You place a hand on your hear, "I love you more."

Isaac laughs, cheeks tinted a fair shade of pink.

"Seriously," You add.

Tom sits beside you, pointing to himself, giving the audience a quizzical look, "look like she's moved on already," He pouts.

You roll your eyes, "I'm sorry, Isaac. Tom's quite clingy."

Tom grabs your hand in his as if to prove your point. He kisses your hand softly.

Isaac chuckles, "my question is, do you ever get jealous of Tom and Jake's marriage?"

Jake bursts out laughing, slamming his fist down on the table as he regains his composure, "That was the best question ever."

"Um, no, no, I don't get jealous. It's hard to when you're just the side chick," You replied.

Tom's head is buried in his hands as he and Jake laugh.

"See what I mean? There was never a competition, Jake already won."

...

Tom held a small bin in his hand, full of tiny slips of paper, "So it's like charades, but with words?"

The interviewer nods, "Right, so there's something on the paper and you have to describe it without saying anything on the card, you have five minutes."

"I can do that," Tom muses, "can we start?"

The interviewer nods and Tom pulls out the first piece of paper, reading it to himself, Your first date.

"Um, it was you and me," Tom starts, "we were on set, in my trailer and we ordered some crappy pizza-"

"Our first date?" You asked. Tom nods throwing the paper away.

"I thought the pizza was quite nice," You mumbled.

Tessa

Tom makes a barking noise, not even looking up from the paper as you immediately said, Tessa.

Tom breaking his nose

"Okay, this happened to me once on set this year. It has to do with my facial structure, it happens more often then I'd like."

"Face fillers!" You said.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that. I've done this about three times, it normally involves blood and bruises, the directors hate when it happens..."

You think about it for a bit, staring at Tom's face, "Oh, you breaking your nose!"

He nods, grabbing the next paper. (Y/N)'s iconic premiere look.

"You do break it a lot, your poor nose."

He shrugs, "'s fine now, hospitals work magic."

"It's actually my kisses that heal his nose," You corrected.

Tom nods his head, smiling up at you, "Okay, um, my girlfriend, she went to a thing and was dressed in like a-"

"My red carpet look?"

He crushes the paper, "You did look gorgeous, lovie."

"I know."

"I don't know why I even bother with compliments."

First kiss

Tom thinks about it for a bit, before tapping his lips gently and holding up his pointer finger. You tilt your head to the side, before leaning in to kiss him softly. You pull back only for Tom to grab the back of your neck and bring your lips against his again.

"Wasn't asking for a kiss, baby, but I won't complain."

"What is it then?"

He taps his lips again, "We were on set, having a funny face competition and you made a duck face and I thought you wanted to do a thing and so I did a thing."

You burst out laughing, "our first kiss?"

Tom grins, cheeks dusted pink, "yeah."

He grabs another piece of paper, Tom spoiling movies.

"Marvel hates me because of this."

"You spoiling movies."

(Y/N)'s strange love for apples

"We were in an interview and I asked a question and you immediately replied with the most ridiculous answer ever-"

"Apples."

When (Y/N) stepped on a snake

Tom laughs, taking a minute to calm down as he remembers the vivid memory, "We were in Australia, on our way back from the beach and there was an ssssss."

You stare at Tom as he does an impression of a snake, making a hissing noise and moving his hands and head in a (what you assumed) was a slithering motion. If you were being honest, you knew exactly what the card said but you quite liked Tom doing an impression of a snake, "when I stepped on a snake."

He snaps his fingers, "yes!"

"In my defense, the snake was the same color as the sidewalk and It didn't make any noise, but uh, it was pretty scary, it hissed and I ran."

"I've never seen her run so fast in her life," Tom added, "I almost couldn't keep up with her."

Tom's fear of spiders

"It's ironic, I'm terrified of what I am."

"Your fear of spiders."

He pulls the next card, "You for some reason think this guy is better than me-"

"Shawn Mendes? Harrison? Niall Horan? Dylan O'Brien?" You list off on your fingers.

Tom hides his face in his hands, "oh my god."

"Oh! It's Jacob!"

"I don't know why I bother with you."

You giggle, grabbing one of his hands to hold, squeezing it gently, "Is it Louis Tomlinson?"

He tosses the paper to the side and you kiss his cheek, "I only think he's hotter."

"Gee thanks, babe."

"I love you," You whispered, making a kissy face. He sighs, leaning in to press your lips together, noses brushing.

"M'kay, sure you do," He mumbled, grabbing the last few pieces of paper.

"You guys have five seconds left," The interviewer announces, startling you both.

Tom blinks, looking down at the few pieces of paper in his hands, "I shouldn't even bother, should I?"

You shake your head no and he looks to the interviewer who gives him a thumbs up to keep going.

"My best mate, he went to go get us something and he came back and managed to make a mess."

"That's extremely vague, but I'm guessing when Harrison spilled coffee all over himself?" You inquired, Tom tosses the paper in which you take a sign that you were right.

Tom nods, grabbing the last piece of paper. He gets down on one knee, gently taking your hand in his.

"Oh! You and Jake’s marriage."

He nods, getting back up and sitting next to you. He tosses the now empty bin behind him.

“Man, you’re so lucky to be married to such an amazing guy.”

Tom shrugs, smirk playing on his lips, “I guess he’s alright, would’ve preferred someone else though.”

You gasp, bringing a hand in front of your mouth, clearly displaying the diamond ring on your finger. Tom looks at it, shrugging as he turns to face the camera. You wink, blowing a kiss, making sure the diamond reflected in the light, “oh really, who’s the lucky person?"

Tom winks, holding up your interlocked hands, two rings set on each, "Who knows?"

— End —

🏷 Tom Holland Taglist: @honeybittersweet @cams-lynn @runway-to-my-aid @peterspideyy @yoinkyourheart @t-monosapiens-h @hollandsamor @quaksonhehe @imanativeofswlondondahling @jillanaholland @keenmarvellover @lexysclubhouse

strike through- can’t tag you

[of-a-chaotic-mind]

Life After Losing Him

Summary: Reader goes about their new daily life but soon runs into the best friend they had lost several months prior.

TW/CW: Platonic!Reader x Sam and Dean Winchester (mostly Dean tbh). Classmate bullying Reader. Should College Student Reader be a warning? Bc I feel like it should lmao. Lots of swearing. Dean does the silver blade test so a wound and blade are mentioned. I don’t think there’s anything else but lmk if I should add something.

Requested?: Yes, a lovely Anon said, “Hello love, your writing is really good and I love how active you are on your account it’s very impressive I could never 🥰 I would be so honored if you could do a platonic imagine for me??? I had in mind like Dean going to hell and coming back and being mad at Sam because he stopped hunting and maybe being mad at reader for moving on and going to college/not trying to help Sam? Idk if that makes any sense lol”

Word Count: 1,880

A/N: So, Dean isn’t as angry as I could’ve written him to be, I didn’t really include Sam much in this one, and it’s mostly Reader going about her day in her new life. If enough of you want it, I could write a second part where Dean and Reader get home and talk to Sam or whatever. I hope this is alright. I personally really like some bits of it but as a whole it feels off to me for some reason.

Your POV

    I grabbed the car keys off my side table before heading out my bedroom door with my backpack slung over my shoulder. I stopped in the kitchen to grab the lunch I had packed the previous evening and a thermos of coffee before heading out for another day of boring ass classes. When I enrolled at the local community college to major in folklore and mythology, I thought the classes would be more interesting and it would be a piece of cake but unfortunately, I got stuck with a boring professor who obviously didn’t even want to be teaching the class in the first place. I push the garage doors open before making my way over to the car. I open the door and drop down into the driver’s seat, set my thermos in the cupholder near my feet, and toss my backpack and lunchbox into the passenger seat. After closing the door, I sigh as I place my hands on the steering wheel, “Alright, Baby. Another day without him but I know you’ve still got my back.” I reach over and pat the dash before cranking the ignition and pulling out of the garage to head for school. The ride to school is quiet aside from the classic rock drifting softly through the speakers.  

    I manage to find a decent parking spot within walking distance of my class but have to mentally prepare myself before grabbing my coffee and backpack and stepping out of the car. I lock the doors, shut mine, and head towards class. On autopilot, I find the classroom that I need and take my usual seat near the front against a wall and turn my back to the wall as I always do. Aside from a few who like to get here early for the same reason I do, to get our favorite seats, the majority of the class hasn’t arrived yet so I pull out my notebook, pen, and coffee. I avoid all eye contact with the others in the room and label my notebook page for today’s lecture. For the most part, people around here seem to avoid me although I haven’t decided if it’s because I intimidate them or because they think I’m “one of those backwoods crazy people” or perhaps it’s both. Regardless, it suits me fine. I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to get a degree and do something useful with my new life. When he died, Sam and I both agreed to not try to find a way to bring him back and try to create a normal life. Every now and then, I secretly take a hunt but it’s usually nothing more than a basic salt and burn case. I did get a job at a local mechanic shop. They were practically begging me to take the job when I showed up for the interview in Baby.

    I’m pulled from my thoughts as a loud group of guys enter the room. I try to ignore them but as per usual their little pack leader wants to try to ruin my day. He calls out to me but thankfully before he can start something, the instructor enters and tells him to have a seat. I’ll have to give this instructor points for at least not putting up with any bullshit like that in his class. Anyway, the rest of the class joins shortly and takes their seats and, on the dot, as always, the instructor starts his lecture. A miserable hour and a half later I have several pages of notes, most of which are completely false from a hunter’s perspective, about topics I already know the truth about just so I know what the instructor will expect on the test. The instructor dismisses us so I pack away all my things and head back to the car to eat lunch before my next class.

    I’m about halfway back to the car, which is completely hidden by a huge, jacked up, 4x4 pickup truck, when the loud group of guys catches up to me and their leader calls out again, "Hey, nerd! Why don’t you stop for a second? I didn’t get a chance to take notes in class and I want to get pictures of yours.”

    I ignore him and keep my head down as I mumble under my breath, “yeah because you were sleeping,” and continue to the car. As I come around the back end of the pickup and approach the car, I slam into something, or rather someone, sturdy and nearly get knocked on my ass if it weren’t for the person catching me. Out of instinct I go to grab my dagger out of its sheath under my sleeve but the person grabs my hand, “Don’t pull that thing out here. It’s just me.” Hearing that voice causes pure shock mixed with a touch of suspicion to wash over me. I look up and into the face of my formerly, dearly departed best friend, Dean Winchester. However, before I can ask questions or even test to make sure it’s him, the small group of my classmates rounds the end of the pickup truck causing Dean to push me behind him in a protective way.  

    The pack leader grins mischievously, “Who’s this? You know this guy, nerd?”

    I roll my eyes but Dean speaks up for me, “I’m (Y/n)’s brother you little bitch. Now, fuck off and leave her alone.” In all honesty, Dean wasn’t biologically my brother but he and Sam have been the closest thing to having any siblings in general that I’ve ever gotten.  

    The pack leader looks around Dean at me, “This true?” I nod. He laughs, “Well, I don’t know which of you are driving this piece of junk but you should probably get with the times and stop driving this old rust bucket. Maybe you could upgrade to a nice truck like mine here,” he taunts patting the truck parked beside us.

    “Your attention seeking, overcompensating piece of shit on wheels could never handle the things this car has been through,” Dean argues, stepping forward. I grab his arm and tug in attempts to get him to back down, no luck.

    The guy scoffs, “Yeah right. I bet if your little friend behind you there hit a curb it’d tear this car to pieces.”

    Before Dean can get into a fist fight, I unlock the car door and shove him in before climbing in myself. Unfortunately, the asshole doesn’t get the hint that I’m leaving and leans back against Baby. I check the mirrors to make sure that I’m not going to run anyone over before driving forward out of my spot, mentally thanking whoever didn’t park there or had just pulled out of the spot in front of me, causing the pack leader to fall on his ass. I laugh to myself as I watch in the rearview mirror and then take off. I find a secluded spot on campus to park so that I can test Dean, figure out what the hell happened with him, and eat my lunch before my next class in four hours. When I put the car in park, and look over, he’s already rolled his sleeve up and has a silver blade ready for the test. He presses the blade into his arm right above another wound that looks fresh.  

    “I figure if Sam wanted all the tests done then you definitely will,” he grumbles before wrapping his arm having sufficiently proven he’s not allergic to the silver. I grab the bottle of holy water that I keep in my backpack and hand it to him. He takes a sip of it before handing it back to me. I nod in understanding before grabbing my lunchbox to eat.

    Once I’ve opened my sandwich, I take a bite, chew, and swallow before asking, “What happened this time?”

    “I don’t know, Sam’s working on that now,” he pauses, watching me, “I’d like to know what the hell happened to you.”

    “There it is again. You never call him Sam but that’s twice in just the past few minutes,” I muse, avoiding his question, “I guess you’re pissed at him because he stopped hunting?”

    “Yeah, and it seems to me like you did too so why don’t you answer my question?” he replies.

    I sigh, and toss my sandwich back onto the paper towel in my lap, “After we lost you, Sam and I agreed to not go looking for a way to bring you back and to start living a normal life. Granted, I always mentally thanked him for phrasing it that way because that meant if a way to bring you back fell into my lap then I could take the opportunity. Regardless, I got a job at a mechanic shop nearby and started classes here for a degree in folklore and mythology.”

    He scoffs and whips his head around to look out the windshield, “So you stopped hunting too. What the hell is wrong with you two?”

    “The two of us didn’t stop hunting. He did,” I snap back, “He doesn’t know it but I go on hunts every now and then when the apple pie life gets too boring.”

    “What about that asshole back there? Why do you let him bully you?” he asks, nodding his head toward where we had come from earlier.

    “He’s always trying to pick on me but I ignore him for the most part and keep my dagger in my sleeve just in case. The less attention I draw to myself the better.” I answer.

    “You’re really balancing all this? Like, you go to class and study for exams and shit but then every now and then you go hunting during the weekend?” he asks and I nod. “So, what about Sammy?”

    “He got a job, even been on a few dates but like I said, he stopped hunting, as far as I know anyway,” I respond. My phone dings before either of us could say anything else so I pick it up to check it and find that my instructor for my other class for today has sent out a message to cancel it for today. I toss the phone down onto the seat between us and stuff my sandwich and everything else I had pulled out back into my lunchbox before putting the car in drive and backing out of this spot.

    “What are you doing?” he questions, once again. I swear if he doesn’t knock it off with the questions, I’m going to roundhouse his ass.

    “Going home. My other class for today was cancelled,” I answer shortly.

    He’s quiet until we get to the campus entrance, “Can we- uh- Can we stop and get a burger on the way?” I nod as I laugh at him. This is probably going to be weird to adapt to but we’ll figure it out. The three of us always figure things out. Honestly, if this turns into something bigger, as it usually does, then wouldn’t mind quitting school. Turns out it’s not all it’s cracked up to be and definitely not for me. I just hope Dean won’t sulk too long about how Sam and I handled life after losing him.

Masterlist

Taglist: @emiijemii @akshi8278 @deandaydreaming @castiels-majestic-wings​ @desimarie12​

[austennerdita2533]

Hey!

I love Penelope Douglas for sure check her out! She writes some of the best smut tbh. I’m working my way through her devils night series right now-I’m on book 2. It’s good so far, definitely dark though. I’m interested to see how she goes about a redemption arc for the character Damon right now I don’t think he deserves one but I hear such good things about his book, Killswitch, but that’s book 3 so I will see how it goes. I definitely recommend Birthday Girl from her though I loved it and the couple from it are my favorite age gap could I’ve ever read. I find myself still re reading some of their best moments.

I am slightly embarrassed by Credence though so I hope it doesn’t bother you too much if you read it. Just so you know before going into it, it is about her and her step uncle/cousins. To be fair they are not blood related and very distance to the point she didn’t even know about them. But she does call him Uncle Jake during a sex scene, and the two others call her cousin during one too. There’s also a MMF scene with her two cousins. But on top of that there is a sexual assault scene (it does get stopped but the intent is there)-personally I wasn’t a fan of how she inwardly dealt with that scenario it felt like she was blaming herself for it instead of holding the other character accountable. Uncle Jake also does kiss her when she is still 17. So if any of that makes you uncomfortable don’t read it.

I’m so happy you liked the atlas six as much as I did. I can’t believe we have to wait until next year for the sequel to see what happens. It’s too long!! I also liked Callum the least, I still appreciated his character though and what he brings to the story I just wasn’t a fan of his, probably because of his problems with Libby/Parisa. Plus his powers terrify me-as someone who likes to have full control of my emotions the fact that someone could just change everything scares me. I also loved Nico he is my typical character that I love the whole I’m an asshole but soft and caring for the people I love gets me every time. Parisa is my queen though I’m obsessed with her. Like I’m literally in love with her, I wish she was real so she could be with me instead. Not that she would because I’m broke have 0 magic or power to give to her, but still. But I have a thing for power hungry women so I was gone the second I met her. But anyway if she was real she could destroy me or do anything she wanted to me and I would say thank you. Reina I also love and agree she could destroy the whole planet and one day probably will. I just love how she is there and wants all that knowledge but also doesn’t give a fuck about anyone else. Tristan also grew on me I’m still not completely sure how much I like or don’t like him yet he gets annoying sometimes because he is constantly in his mind about his alliances but I also love how loyal and caring he is. Libby is my girl!! I also relate to her as well since I was an outcast and battled inadequacy and all that (you and I must have some stuff in common!) Out of all the characters I relate to her the most and am rooting for her so hard-also because the author made her from Pittsburgh and I’m also from the area so I felt personally attached. But Olivie just did an interview and said Libby is getting a corruption arc and I am so excited about it!!

Okay ships- so I will be honest and I think it’s an unpopular opinion but oh well-I am a nicolibby stan. They have every single dynamic that I love in a ship and they could potentially be my favorite book couple of all time if that is the road they are being taken. Honestly I was obsessed with them from their first interaction so i have it bad for them. Obviously I know they were not romantic in this book but the potential (at least for me) was there especially in some of their quotes in the end. I fully believe they are soulmates though-even the author said they were born on the same day and feel like their other half is missing in an interview once-whether that will be platonic soulmates or romantic soulmates I have no idea and I could see either happening. My heart will break if it is platonic but it’s okay I can just live in my own little head about their potential.

But I get the idea and also like both libbytristan and NicoGideon and could see those happening instead of nicolibby too. I wouldn’t say I would be mad about it either-I do like both just to me the potential of nicolibby works more for me! My only thing about libbytristan though is I’m not sure how much of their tension/feelings are real (like did any of it exist before Parisa put the idea of the other person in their thoughts to lead to all the feelings.)

Weirdly enough since they probably my least favorite characters I also adore Tristan and Callum together. Their dynamic just works for me.

And I love Parisa and Dalton too and I’m so interested in how that relationship pans out because they have some stuff to figure out. But they work well together and honestly they are just so sexy together so I’m down for it. Although I do ship myself with Parisa more than her and Dalton but I’m biased.

Honestly though all the ships are wide open though so I’m curious to see what ends up being endgame. But omg yes the twist I was not expecting it-I’m so excited for the rest of this trilogy!!!

In other news though I finished up the ravenhood series. I know you said you either read it or it was on your tbr. But god I loved it. That series broke me and then put back all the pieces. If you haven’t read it and want to feel both heartbreak and happiness I highly recommend it!

Oh and don’t apologize for babbling as you can tell I also babble!!

-ACOTAR anon

Hiiiii sweets!

I've been sifting through a bunch of summaries of Penelope Doulgas' work on Goodreads and there's a bunch of stuff there I think I'd enjoy. I'm all about good smut. I didn't realize she had that many books. I'm excited! Thanks so much for the rec! I love dark romances/erotica every now and again so I'm also going to have to dive into the Devil's Night series at some point.

Oh, and idk if you know about it/read it but a couple of my friends told me about the Crossfire series by Sylvia Day a while back. It's BDSM, like Fifty Shades, but supposedly loads better. I don't know if you're into that but I figured I'd just throw it out there anyway. The smut is supposed to be steamy. I haven't read it yet but I do have the first four novels on my Kindle (where they've been sitting, unread, for about 2 years now)...so that's something haha.

And please don't be embarrassed about Credence. Seriously, the most wonderful thing about reading is you can go wherever tf you want in your imagination. No one can stop you. There are no rules. No restrictions. You can be whomever or whatever you want to be for a while, morality notwithstanding. One of my favorite things about books is that I can experience the most bonkers, outlandish out-of-this-world stuff that I'd never dream of wanting/liking in real life. It's liberating!

Thank you for the trigger warnings, though. I appreciate that. None of them sound off-putting enough to keep me from reading it. (Tbh, I want to read it more now.) I've read loads of books where characters marry or have sex with their cousins or siblings *waves at ASOIAF, the Secret History* so it doesn't bother me. I've also read most of Lolita and all of My Dark Vanessa by Kate Russell, which both romanticize pedophilia in disturbing degrees, so it takes a lot to put me off. If curiosity could kill then I'd be long dead by now. Hell, sometimes I will purposely read things I know will upset me to my core. What can I say? I'm a weirdo. 🙃

I DON'T WANT TO WAIT A YEAR FOR BOOK 2 OF THE ATLAS SERIES, EITHER. AHHHHH. How am I going to make it that long? It seems so far away!

Callum is the most terrifying of them all right now, imo. I think that's why I disliked him the most. Like you, it shook me to my core to imagine someone like him being able to toy with my emotions. I have a tendency to detach, to keep my emotions pressed close to my chest so that I can't be manipulated or hurt, and the idea that someone could have power over them, over me in that way is...no freaking thank you! I would put as much space between him and me as possible. Most of the Atlas crew had the right idea there. He does bring a lot to the story, though, like you said. I have a feeling he's going to be one of those characters I "love to hate" as the series progress. I might even grow to "hate to love" him, idk. He's just such a shady bastard! And so judgmental/mean to the girls.

I'm with you on Parisa, by the way. She's the kind of conniving, ambitious siren of a woman I can get behind. She has a similar vibe as Katherine Pierce on TVD. I mean, there's nothing in her arsenal she won't use and I love how she weaponizes her beauty. It's delicius. She's unpredictable. Definitely the type of character who inspires "scared and aroused" energy any time she walks into a room. Like, she could choke you and instead of crying you'd just ask her to do it again...harder lol.

Reina has the same kind of "no fucks given" attitude I have because I genuinely don't care what people think of me, either. I'm just here to do my thing. Be nerdy. Learn. Whatever. And Nico is my fave for the same reason as you--the asshole who only has soft edges for those who matter to him. *heart eyes*

Omg, Libby is going to have a corrupted arc? AHHHHH. That's going to be amazing, I cannot stinking wait! I was sort of hoping she'd go dark so now that it's confirmed I'm even more pumped. Also, I think you and I have more in common than either of us realized. I'm from the Pittsburgh area, too! How wild is that? Maybe there's something in the water here and that's why, like Libby, we've both felt inadequate and like outcasts at different points in our lives? Olivie might be onto something here...🤔

The thing that's been so cool for me about this series so far is that there are a bunch of potential pairings I could get behind. And I kind of like that it's not clear cut right now. Most series I know who I want together or who will be together like halfway through book 1. I like that I don't know have firm preferences and am still open. That's novel. Not to mention fun!

I don't blame you for shipping Nicolibby so hard, though. They're definitely one of my top contenders for a romantic pairing. They have that enemies-to-lovers element with witty banter that I always gravitate toward. And you're right about Libby/Tristan. I don't know how much of their connection was manufactured because Parisa intervened, either. That'll be fun to puzzle out moving forward. And Callum/Tristan should NOT be a ship I like but they have a palpable something that I can't put my finger on. I've got my eye on them, for sure.

The Ravenhood series is still on my tbr. I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed it so much, though! It's rare to read something that just ticks all your boxes. The next time I'm the mood to binge a series I'm gonna have to pick that one up. :-D

I've been trying to clear out my backlog of ARCs lately. (Not possible because I'm getting more on the regular - as in constantly haha - but I'm trying.) I just finished Wish You Were Here by Jodi Picoult, which has a Sliding Doors premise that is set during the pandemic where the main character has a parallel life experience (one, where she's in the Galapagos Islands on vacation when the shutdown hits so she's stuck there with strangers, alone, not speaking the language; the other, where she's in Manhattan with her surgeon boyfriend and recovering from COVID). It's intense but so, SO good! Picoult is such a good writer. Anything I've read by her has been moving, with rounded and real characters. I haven't been disappointed yet. I so recommend her.

Oh, and if you're into nonfiction/biographies at all I finished The Splendid and the Vile by Erik Larson not long ago, which is about Winston Churchill as well as those around him, and it was fantastic! Read more like fiction. I loved it. I am no longer surprised it was on all the BEST lists for 2020.

[gracehcreates-bct]

W8 Studio - Project into the public

X-Challenge

I entered my team into X-Challenge, but unfortunately our group was too big to do the whole project so we split ourselves into two and did the app and boot cleaner as seperate ideas.

Boot Cleaner Prototype

Kent made a boot cleaner prototype over the weekend, using cardboard and pvc pipes. Not included is the spray, which would be situated underneath the boot.

Survey Results

I sent out the survey on facebook, first to the Creative Technologies Year 3 page and then my neighbourhood community’s page. So far there are 62 responses.

1. How often do you go on walking trails?

Once a week - 11 people Once fortnightly - 7 people Once a month - 23 people Once a year - 18 people Never - 3 people

2. Who would you usually take with you? (pick between 1 - 2)

Family - 46 people Friends - 19 people Dogs - 12 people No-one - 11 people

3. Have you heard of the Kauri Dieback Disease?

61/62 people have heard of Kauri Dieback.

4. If yes, how do you think preventing it is to New Zealand’s forests in the future? (on a scale of 1 - 10)

Average is 9.1, with 6 out of 60 people who answered this question ranking it below 8.

5. What would make the boot cleaner more convienent?

About 17 out of 62 thought that the boot cleaner was fine as it is. Two people answered there should be more of them.

Answers about the station itself: - Maybe if it was longer so you can keep moving as you clean. So others don’t get held up behind you. - If more people could use it at the same time. - Maybe a larger, flatter station - Proper set up like your picture - as some are only a mat and can easily be avoided - A seat to sit on when spraying shoes with the stuff. Very hard to work hose on one foot with a pack on - Regular servicing - I guess it's a bit of a bottle neck, depending on the popularity of the trial maybe it holds people up? - Have more of an obstacle that makes it so you get in slower. Therefore, making you clean your shoes more thoroughly? :D - Better maintenance sometimes they are worn out - Clearer instructions Easier to use Maybe a video

Answers about boot cleaner: - I guess if it rotated it might get more sit out from the grooves? Also, with covid I try to avoid touching anything and this this old style and the spray gun you have to touch - Have a cleaner for jandals. This one doesn’t work so well - Foot activated sprays. Physical barriers that force people to activate the spray to get thru the barrier. - Weight based means children and lighter people don't activate it so perhaps something that doesn't get activated by weight that you walk through. Shallow enough to just cover sole of shes/boots - Maybe some foot level spray system. Sometimes balancing on one foot to spray is tricky - the spray trigger should have a novel so that it covers each shoe in one spray - Fixed brushes as shown here. The hand squirter and hand brush combination is too difficult to manage. Lose balance and give up - A hand held brush to scrub the side of shoes. - No spray, just scrub and step - A device to clamp around shoes and spray all around - Rotating brushes - Making the brushes not worn down. Last bush walk I went on the brushes for your feet were too worn down and didn’t work very well - Bending down is tricky so a system that doesn’t make you bend over is good - If it always had disinfectant in it. - It having the spray stuff in it and not be empty - Not have to use the hand spray bottle that is found on some stations. - Find it ok as it is, but prefer the one that sprays your shoes when you stand on it to the hand held one - Automatic - probably some type of automated boot cleaner - I am liking the new "hop on to spray" pads

Other: - It’s fine but something to keep the spray from coming up and wetting your shoes and ankles would be good-keep it to the soles - designing something the birds might use, as it's far more likely to be transmitted by them. - An agent that actually is proven as working on phytophthora - I think the boots cleaners are possibly okay, it's the dogs i always think , might be more carriers especially as often off lead when they shouldn't be. - Nothing. I think it’s clearly marked with instructions and you can’t miss them at the beginning and end of tracks. One time there was a DOC guy there educating people how to clean boots properly which was helpful cos I had actually been doing the process the wrong way around prior to that! - RGB LEDs, to attract the kids - maybe having someone employed by like doc or something to make sure there are ppl washing their shoee

6. How effective do you think the covid tracer app was in preventing the spread of covid-19? (on a scale of 1 - 10)

Average is 7.3, with only 5 people out of 62 ranking it below a 5.

7.  We are designing an app and deciding on the content, what is most appealing to you?

Treasure Hunt - #1.82 average Augmented Reality boot cleaner - #2.06 average Running statistics tracker - #2.11 average

8.  Why did you choose the previous answer? Otherwise, give us an example of something you’d like to see on it.

About 5/46 people answered that they couldn’t see the image I had used, which is my own fault but the survey website is difficult to understand. 4/46 directly said “Treasure Hunts are fun”. Two people said it didn’t matter as long as it was simple to use.

- Statistics can drive behaviour - Treasure hunt appeals to families using tracks - There is a general lack of information about Kauri Dieback at the boot cleaning stations especially Tane Mahuta - information would result in adherence - The question wasn’t clear to me so I chose the fun option. No idea what AR boot cleaner is - maybe I didn’t click on something? - Seemed the most applicable (Augmented Reality) - Didn’t really have a view. Not sure what the point of the treasure hunt and A4 - I just think the treasure hunt idea has more appeal. Not clear how it works - A map of dieback - Information on Kauri on the area you are about to walk in, how many, if have any signs of disease - Definitely make it fun to use, stats make it interesting - learn with play: Tree/ nature trivia, e.g. like: what tree is this? (photo) - Sounds more fun (Treasure Hunt) - Fun makes things engaging. Also, running is boring. - Treasure hunt might make it more interesting for the grandchildren I take hiking. I know what AR is but I cannot imaging it being useful for book cleaning. - Links with GPS - Easy to find information for the novice /infrequent tramper - I didn't see how the answers linked to the app. What's the purpose of the app? If it's just to track like the covid app it doesn't need anything else on it. Most people who run in the bush would use another app already. - if i got it my main , objective would be to help with Die-back .Stats would be interesting so No.2,Treasure hunt No.3 , as kids grown up , but even if younger i might have put 3 , but would be good for younsters - I may take my child if there is a treasure hunt as part of the app/walk - The AR boot cleaner would encourage people to clean their shoes properly because it would make cleaning more fun and accurate. - I like stats - and I like the new aspect of the covid app where you get a little sticker icon when you get 14 days diary entry. - Got to be something interesting and fun. Maybe as an incentive add in spot prizes provided by possible sponsors.. - NZ health statistics - Interactive is fun and makes you feel involved - More visually appealing (Treasure Hunt) - More fun makes people more likely to use. - Don't understand what the boot one is - Routes recommendation, especially secret/not popular spots. Treasure hunting is a bit like that - Treasure hunt seems rewarding. AR seems interactive. Statistics sound boring - I think that if you make it a sort of game it will encourage people to get into the nitty gritty parts of shoe! - Not sure why I'd want a virtual boot cleaner tbh. Other content could be birds to look out for.. bit of history, exercise tips - Helps me know which parts of my boots are clean :)

9.  Thank you for taking the time to do this. Any other ideas/feedback for us?

- Anything to help contain the spread and educate people is good-Tane Mahuta was our first experience and there was no information and no reception to be able to Google it. - Would love people to be encouraged to use the boot wash more. - Good idea to encourage behaviours that will stop the spread. Well done - no, its communist propaganda - I develop apps myself, but I am doubtful about their applicability to Kauri Dieback reduction - An alarm when boots are not cleaned properly. - Still not sure what your app will do. - Good luck , please put a reminder if possible the importance of dogs on leads in areas where needed.PS We do own a dog! - Thank you for your work - I put 10 as meaning it is very important. You don’t say how the scale works though - Kauri Dieback poses a serious issue and I'm glad theres a project looking at this!! 🙌 - I would just try to be really focused on the problem you want to solve. Is it boot cleaning, is it awareness, is it history, is it fitness

Additionally Miles emailed Dr Gerth, so we have an interview with her on May 27th.

[et-lesailes]

safe place

pairing: chris evans x reader

word count: 3500 waow

summary: while clubbing in boston, you happen to see your favorite actor, none other than chris evans himself. unfortunately, his anxiety seems to be acting up again, and you can tell. you have a plan to help him out, and even though you know fully well you could embarrass yourself, you’ve gotta try it for him.

themes: this is just pretty chill n fluffy, highlights struggles with anxiety as well!

taglist: @viarogers , @evanstush , @chibi-crazy , @chalamet-evans , @world-of-losers , @songforhema, @sebabestianstan101 , @tanyam93 , @bval-1, @wonderwinchester , @little-miss-exo, @poerebel , @pining-and-tired , @gogomez-509 , @patzammit, @a-distantdreamer, @malthestorytellerblog, @rainbowkisses31, @jbug491writinghelp, @quaiderade

note: yeah kinda had sudden muse for this out of nowhere hence the longer word count, and i really luv discussing mental health so i thought it could be kind of interesting to talk about anxiety in this one. tbh i feel like it’s a lot of rambling so i apologize in advance! hope you all like it though!

It had been a while since you had been out with your girlfriends, but now that everyone was back home in Boston for at least some of the summer, it was a good chance to catch up with the friends you had made back in high school and reminisce on all of the good times. You had remained in Boston for work along with a couple of others, but everyone else had moved to all different parts of the country-- it seemed like a miracle in itself that everyone was able to make it back at the same time, but you had also all planned for this. To take the same week off from work, summer classes, whatever it was everyone was doing-- all to go back home and reconvene as one big group.

It was Friday night, and you were ready to hit the clubs. You inspected yourself in the mirror of your apartment where everyone had decided to gather to get ready, smiling satisfied at what you saw. A typical LBD was perfect for a night like this-- yes, it was cliche, but you didn’t care. You looked good. It was just the right amount of revealing, showcasing cleavage and legs that managed to look slightly lengthier thanks to the shoes you had picked for the night, and you had actually decided to do your hair for once. “Whew! You look sexy!” your friend Delia complimented, and you shot her a little grin. “Thanks, Del. So do you, red is really your color.”

After taking at least a couple more shots, you were all ready to go. Piling into an UberXL, you made your way deeper into the city where the best nightlife was, reveling in just the perfect amount of buzz and feeling ready for anything. You had been planning on dancing with a few guys tonight, maybe getting a little action in, but nothing serious. You definitely had not been expecting on meeting him.

_____________

As a group of young women, it was rather easy to get access to VIP. Besides, a majority of you had been brought up in Boston; by now, you knew people, had connections. You were currently lounging on a plush leather couch with a fifteen dollar drink in your hand, deciding to worry about the consequences the next day. Most of your friends were off dancing with other people they had befriended in the club, so it was just you and a couple others chilling, drinking, and talking-- and then you suddenly felt a rough nudge to your arm. “Ouch. Gabby, what the hell?” You wrinkled your nose though you were mostly exaggerating, looking to her with more amusement than anything. “What?” However, you were far more intrigued upon seeing the shock upon her face as she was staring at something a little further away. You followed her gaze, only seeing a crowd of people and iPhone camera flashes in the next couch area a few feet away. “What?” you repeated yourself, craning your neck trying to see what the big deal was. You could see a Red Sox cap sticking out from the center, but that was not anything interesting considering you were literally 3 miles away from Fenway.

And then the figure with the cap moved slightly, and you almost spit out your drink.

“It’s him, isn’t it?” Gabby seemed to have found her voice again, her eyes widening. “That’s Chris fuckin’ Evans. Oh my God, should we go say hi?” You still had your eyes on him, unable to help it-- God, he was even more gorgeous in person. You were about to agree instantly, the awe practically taking over your inebriated mind. Of course you wanted to say hi. You had loved Marvel for years now, and Captain America was your favorite Avenger. Not only that, but you had taken a liking to Chris’ acting because of his Marvel movies, which had encouraged you to watch several others. Living in Boston, it had always been a hope of yours that you would somehow run into him, but you never imagined it would actually happen. And now here he was, standing about five feet away from you-- sure, he was surrounded by girls, but you and Gabby could totally squeeze through.

But then you stopped to actually look at him. Not in the fangirling, celebrity idolizing way, but just to actually look at him. You could see on his face that he looked a little tired. Like his smile was forced. It did not seem disrespectful to you, but more so that he was… overwhelmed. He was still taking pictures with every single girl around him, even making effort in having conversation, but you caught every single sign. The frequent looking around, eyes not focused on one thing or one person. How he’d take off his hat and run his hand through his hair, but practically every ten seconds. The slight inward tug of his bottom lip, and while he made it look sexy, it was obvious he was not doing it to be seductive. You had listened to interviews of Chris speaking of his anxiety, and considering you had faced it before and had friends who did as well, it was hard not to see the signs. Now, if anything, you were getting a little pissed at these clubbers surrounding him, even though you were almost quite literally going to be one yourself.

“He seems a little on edge right now,” you noted, frowning slightly. “Maybe we should wait a bit, yeah? It’s not like VIP’s that crowded anyways, so hopefully once those girls leave him alone we can have a chance to just say hi or something.” Gabby sighed loudly but nodded her head. “Okay, okay, fine. But I’m gonna head downstairs to tell the girls. You stay here and keep an eye on him!”

“Wait--” you started to say, not wanting her to spread the news, but she was already leaving in a tipsy fit of giggles and excitement. You sighed and looked back towards him. He seemed even worse than before, and it had only been five seconds.

And then an idea came to you, and you nibbled on your lower lip wondering if you could really be that drunk or if this was just actually a brilliant plan. No. No, no. It was crazy. Absolutely insane, really, and you would look like a total idiot if it didn’t work. Which it most likely wouldn’t.

And so you downed the rest of your drink, barely fazed by the bitter taste of alcohol at this point as you stood up, taking a deep breath. Walking right over, you called out as loudly and confidently as possible over the music. “Chris? Chris! Chris, is that you? Oh my God, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you last! I can’t believe you’re back in town, this is great!”

Everyone immediately turned around to look at you, and you prayed that your cheeks weren’t burning. God, what had you done? How drunk could you be? Part of you wanted to simply turn around and run away, it wasn’t like you’d ever see him again. But you watched his reaction, hoping your own expression was visible enough to him to show that you were very clearly hinting at him to go along with it. At least, if anything, this pressure was helping in somewhat distracting you from how damn handsome he looked up close. How was it possible that the camera didn’t do him justice when he looked so hot in all of his photos?

Yeah, maybe you still were a little caught up in how handsome he was.

He seemed a little confused for a second, but suddenly, the corner of his lips tugged upwards. Your heart raced faster. Was he about to laugh at you, humiliate you in front of his fangirls? Or was your plan working? “Holy shit,” he stated, lightly pushing himself through the small crowd to step closer to you. “I didn’t know you were still in town, that’s crazy! Fuck, how long has it been? A year? Two? I’m so happy to see you!” You could not believe it; there were at least a million thoughts running through your mind right now. He actually went along with it. He’s standing right in front of me now. He’s smiling at me, having a direct conversation with me. And he swore, oh God, he sounds so hot swearing…

You snapped yourself back to reality. This was not about meeting your idol at the moment, this was about helping someone with what could turn into a straight up panic attack if this kept on any longer. You smiled back at him brightly before looking around at everyone, clearing your throat. He might have had to be polite because he had an image to protect, but you did not. “Excuse me, can you please leave us alone? Chris is one of my friends and I’d like to be able to catch up with him. And I’m pretty sure half of you aren’t even supposed to be up here…” you commented with a raised eyebrow, eyes glancing towards the lack of VIP wristbands on their arms. There was a lot of scoffing, huffing, and bitchy glares, but they eventually turned away, all furiously typing away on their phones most likely posting photos on every social media site possible. 

You exhaled just as he did, looking up at him and clearing your throat. “I can, uh, leave you alone if you want. I swear I didn’t just do this to be able to talk to you too, I just noticed you looked a little… stressed.” You paused before quickly adding, “Not that I don’t want to talk to you. I mean, fuck, I love your shit, you know? I think you’re a great actor. But you shouldn’t be swarmed by fans or anything. So, yeah, I can leave.” After that word vomit, you decided the only proper way to do said leaving was flinging yourself off the balcony. But instead, he just smiled wider as he looked down at you, shaking his head. “No, no. Of course not. I really appreciate what you did for me back there, trust me.” He tilted his head, seeming curious. “Did I really look stressed?” You blinked but nodded truthfully, biting your lip. “It just looked like a typical bout of anxiety to me, if we’re being honest,” you told him, then wondered if that was somehow offensive. “I mean, I know just because you mentioned having it doesn’t mean you’re just always some anxious person, and I’m not trying to assume anything either but I’ve also had experiences with it too so it’s kind of easier to catch signs, you know? But if I was wrong then I’m really so-”

“You weren’t wrong,” he cut you off, but he was still smiling kindly at you. Damn, his eyes are beautiful. “Yeah, I was definitely feeling a little crowded back there. So thank you. Really. What’s your name? Can I buy you a drink?” You looked up at him somewhat shocked. “Me? Oh, please, you really don’t have to do that,” you shook your head, not wanting him to feel obliged to you in any means whatsoever, even though a drink would Chris Evans would probably be all you needed to die happy. “I’m sure you have friends waiting on you or something, really, it’s okay. I genuinely just wanted to help.” He raised an eyebrow, slightly stepping closer and it was taking you everything not to creepily deeply inhale from how good his cologne smelt. “And I genuinely want to buy you a drink,” he spoke with an amused grin, eyes twinkling even more than before. “Please. Or if you don’t drink, I can at least get you a--”

“Oh I drink.” You cut him off way too fast, then realized afterwards. “Okay, but like, I don’t mean I’m an alcoholic or anything, I just--” you finally just sighed loudly, looking down for a few seconds before looking up at him, silently cursing your brain for not allowing you to sober up at least a little. Despite the fact that it was solely your fault for having decided to chug a freaking vodka sour. “Okay, yes. Let’s do this. But-- unfortunately my friend is about to bring my entire horde of friends up here, so let’s try a different bar in this club.” He was laughing as he listened to you, but it did not feel mean or embarrassing; he simply seemed like he was actually having a fun time with you, almost as if he were a friend. He then blinked, curious and slightly confused. “In this club? Is there another one, besides the VIP one and the general one downstairs?” You laughed softly, nodding your head. “You gotta come back to Boston more! They just opened a rooftop one upstairs that’s way less crowded, but it’s pretty exclusive.” You raised a brow, continuing, “But I’m pretty sure we won’t have any problem getting in...” He chuckled and it was a deep rumble of heaven, but you forced yourself not to be annoying or even more triggering towards his anxiety. “Well, that would have been nice to know earlier, but I’m glad I at least get to know it from you. Lead the way….” he trailed off, waiting for a name to use. You giggled lightly at the slight flirtation, in disbelief that it was even happening but of course introduced yourself, lightly taking his outstretched arm and walking towards the staircase to the roof.

_____________

“Sebastian said that to you? Oh my God, that’s hilarious.” You laughed upon listening to a story he was telling you from a drunken night he, Sebastian Stan, and Anthony Mackie had shared in LA, a beam spread across your entire face. “You guys seem like such cute friends.” He laughed and nodded his head fondly, looking out towards the view. “Eh, they’re alright, I suppose,” he spoke playfully, and you giggled for the hundredth time within that hour, looking out towards the city lights yourself. 

The two of you had been chatting away, the peaceful nighttime air and breeze definitely helping you in sobering up a little more. Not that you had been absolutely trashed before, but you wanted to be as present in this moment as possible. You knew something like this would never happen again, but you were trying not to think about that. You loved that he was also asking you questions about yourself, and seemed sincerely interested, at that. He was so easy to converse with, so relaxed and thoughtful, you felt bad knowing what his anxiety could do to such a kindhearted person like him. You were sure he would have loved to be like this with all of his fans, but he had even explained to you himself that it was difficult for him to be in front of big crowds. “I know that seems kinda ridiculous coming from a Hollywood actor,” he said with a sigh, chuckling lightly, “but I can’t control it, ya know? I wish I could.” You nodded sympathetically, unable to even imagine what it would be like having to deal with such conflict in his current occupation. 

“But what about you?” he asked, surprising you again even though he had shown genuine interest in you and your life this entire time. “You said you’ve dealt with anxiety before, too?” You nodded with a sigh, taking a sip of your drink. “It used to be pretty bad for me in high school. I guess high school’s just a rough time in general, though,” you said with a laugh, shrugging your shoulders. “I still get attacks every now and then, but I’ve learned how to cope with it much better. Definitely better than hormonal, puberty ridden me, anyways,” you chuckled. He laughed too and you tried to ignore how adorable the sound as well as his face was when he did so. “Mm. Definitely don’t wanna reminisce on those days,” he playfully shuddered before tilting his head with interest. “How do you cope with it?” You could not believe Chris Evans was here asking you for advice, but you pondered this over. “I guess this is common sense and easier said than done, but I think I’m just a lot better at being able to mentally step back from a situation and think it through more logically when I’m feeling anxious. I just go through a rundown in my head and remind myself that it’s okay. It also helps distracting myself from it by talking to friends, like to call my best friend if I’m feeling down or weird about something.” You told him, barely biting your lip-- you had never really talked about such topics with any guys before, and it was crazy how it felt so comfortable with a celebrity. 

“Yeah? Well maybe next time you could call me, too?” he asked, and you were practically baffled. “Like, on my cell phone?” you asked rather dumbly, then closed your eyes as you rubbed your forehead. “Okay, yeah. Duh. My cell phone. It’s not like I own a landline. Who really does anymore, besides old people. But I mean--” you stopped and collected your thoughts briefly before looking up at him. “You’d really feel comfortable giving me your phone number? And you actually want to… talk?” He laughed again, even tilting his head back slightly before nodding with a wide smile. “Yeah. I mean, hell yeah, I do. I’ve had a lot of fun talking to you tonight.” He slid his phone out of his pocket, unlocking and handing it to you with a hopeful grin. You slowly smiled, nodding and taking it from him to input your number. Much to your delight, when handing it back he went straight to sending you a message, looking to you as he arched an eyebrow playfully. “You have my number now, right? You didn’t give me a fake one?” You blinked before laughing loudly, taking your phone out of your little crossbody bag. “Why the hell would I give you, of all people, a fake number?” You waved your phone at him to show him that the message had come up on the device, then looked down at it to save his number. You had assumed he just sent a “hi” or an emoji, something simple-- but you paused as your eyes scanned the words on your screen.

“Go on a date with me.”

You stared at it somewhat dumbfounded before looking up at him, knowing your cheeks were slightly red. “A-a date?” you asked; sure, the two of you had been hitting it off and flirting a little, but you had kept reminding yourself throughout the conversation that he was a celebrity. He probably had tons of girls in his life, you were someone who could just be an acquaintance. If that. But now he wanted to take you out on an actual date?

“I’m in Boston for the next few months. And I know that’s not permanent, but I really, really liked talking to you tonight, and.. I want to see if this works. Please.” You almost didn’t reply due to being too shocked that he was begging you to date him, but you quickly cleared your throat. “I’d… yeah, I’d really like that.” You admitted, feeling excited and terrified all at once. But that was how dating should feel, right? “But, um, how does this… work? Do you, like, not want me to tell anyone…? Do I not save your number at all, in case anyone hacks into my phone? Or should I just save you as a fake--”

“Okay, okay, don’t go all secret agent on me.” He interrupted you with a loud laugh, eyes twinkling fondly as he gazed down at you. “Honestly… I trust you. Call it a gut instinct, but I do. So tell whoever you’d like, or don’t. The only thing I’m more worried about is your own privacy, because it most likely won’t be respected if we’re not careful about this. But when it comes to people knowing about me taking you out, that’s fine with me. I’m allowed to have a love life, aren’t I?” he said with a smile, then glanced down at his phone. “Oh, shit. I need to go, my brother’s waiting for me. And I’m sure your friends are, too.” He looked at you and chuckled softly, probably at the disappointed face you wore. “Hey. Text me tonight, alright? Promise.” You smiled at that, arching an eyebrow playfully, teasing, “Wow, you’re already pretty needy, huh? Yikes, what am I agreeing to here?” He blinked before scoffing, though clearly amused. “You know what? Yeah, I am. And it’s your fault.” 

He suddenly took a light hold of your waist, gently pulling you closer to him and leaned down. You widened your eyes slightly but did not move away, looking up into his beautiful blue orbs instead silently confirming that you were alright with what was about to happen. 

You would remember that kiss for the rest of your damn life-- you were sure of it. 

[matkomakto]

How was it to be a volunteer in Italy?

In this post I want to describe my experience as an AIESEC volunteer in Bologna (I posted a lot during this period on my Instagram). My project was related to SDG4, or in other words Quality Education. The name of my NGO is EduChange. What I did in practice was teaching English and giving presentations about Poland and Polish culture to Italian children at the age of 9-10 (and once 14, but that’s a different story). I will put a line now, so that if you’re not interested you won’t have to scroll like crazy.

ARRIVAL

I don’t want to describe the whole procedure of applying, it’s very easy and nothing really happens. Before you leave you have two meetings - one in your local AIESEC and the other via Internet with the one you’re going to. My journey starts on January, 17th. In the morning I entered a bus to Kraków, from where I departed at 4pm to Venice, and then to Bologna. Venice welcomed me with rain (I got a little cold because of that, but Gripex saved my life once again) and so did Bologna. The whole journey took 26 hours (yes, I went by bus and you can’t judge me). Somewhere on my way my first host-mum, Mary, messaged me wishing me a good journey and asking if I was safe (and in this sentence you have everything about this woman - always kind and caring <3). A few hours later, my other host-mum, Chiara, who was supposed to take me from the station messaged me too. At the station I was welcomed by Chiara and Matilde, one of my new sisters (in general, now I have 3 sisters and 1 brother). In the car I met Davide, dad, and Carlotta, my other sister (or daughter, as some people would say). After a short conversation, I realised we were in the house of Mary, where I was about to spend next 3 weeks of my life. I was tired af, but it’s understandable, I think. I messaged my buddy, Marie Claire (oh, haven’t told you about her — a buddy is a person from bolognese AIESEC, who takes care of you, a kind of nanny I’d say) and my manager, Sofia. And then I had dinner and went to sleep. I was sleeping from 14.00 till 11.00 on Sunday. I had no idea what would happen next.

FERRARA

I woke up when nobody was at home. It was a bit creepy tbh. On the table I found a note “We’ll be home at 12, eat anything you want” (I didn’t, my stomach was still acting as if I were in the bus). When the whole family, it means — Mary, Andrea, Athina and Achille, came back, they told me “We’re going to Ferrara”. I thought “What is Ferrara?”. It’s a beautiful town near Bologna, where we spent an amazing afternoon. I didn’t know anything about this town, and even if Mary and Andrea tried their best as guides, I spent a whole evening using Google Maps to identify objects I had seen. Among them were the Cathedral, Palazzo Muncipale, Castello Estense, Palazzo dei Diamanti and Via delle Volte. I ate a delicious cake, which name I don’t remember, filled with Nutella. Achille kept complaining “Maddalena’s cake is the best!” (they all  ok, almost all called me Maddalena, which is Italian version of Magdalena). In the evening we played all three in the living room and I was texted by Serena, an English teacher from one schools I was going to teach in, also one of my best bolognese friends. With her message I became both excited and anxious about the next day.

FIRST DAY(S)

All the anxiety disappeared when I entered the first school. The children were so lovely and cheerful that I fell in love with them (in a good meaning ofc) instantly. On the first lesson I was just sitting and doing nothing. Then, Serena came, and I was helping her to answer children’s questions during a final test. Believe me, there were hundreds of them. I came home tired, but happy. And finally I became hungry and ate everything I was offered (I always have a problem with eating far from home). The next day meant another school. It was less pleasant as a building, as Mary described it - it looked more like a hospital. Nevertheless, both the teachers and the students again were pure love. In the canteen I sat with 5 boys, who were supposed to make an interview with me. I felt as if I had been watching Familiada live. Then, one of the teachers came to our table hugging one boy saying “Ask him as often as you can. He’s my son”. Lovely, isn’t it? XD In the next class two girls came to me, giving me a drawing (I have it still in my diary). When I asked in Italian if it was for me, I heard a loud, full of shock “LEI CAPISCEEEEEEEEE”. One of the funniest things during these first days is that nobody knew I spoke Italian, and seeing their faces as they discovered it was a very entertaining activity. Wednesday was my day out, I’ll describe it later. On Thursday and on Friday I went to the third school. I ended up in Athina’s class and believe me, it’s really hard to be in one class with your sibling. Fun fact, both English teachers in that school are Rosannas, which confused me a bit these days.

DISCOVERING BOLOGNA

Finally, on my free Wednesday I got an opportunity to go to the centre. I remember my heartbeat when the bus no.13 entered the centre, it was fulfilling of a dream I made as a 13-year-old girl. I walked through Via d’Azeglio and found myself in Piazza Maggiore. Do you remember that scene from Home Alone, where Kevin realises he’s home alone and walks along screaming as crazy? It was me at the moment (but I screamed internally, don’t be scared). I entered Basilica (which I loved and I came back there several times, even twice on the same day). When I went out, I met Marie Claire. She was my guide that day, we had a great time as she showed me Bologna and its 6 secrets (google it). Later I was supposed to go on an AIESEC meeting (there were 2 meetings and Global Village). I continued my trip around city centre from Saturday till Monday, even if the weather wasn’t as great as on Wednesday. Also, on Saturday we spent a few hours “occupando Italia in un Irish pub” with other volunteers. On that day I discovered KIKO Milano, which is now my #1 makeup brand, I’m addicted to it, sorry if I’m a disappointment.

WEEK #2

I was about to write “Nothing interesting really happened”. But damn, I survived a power shortcut in one of the schools, I ate a true Italian pizza and gelato for the first time, I prepared 120 minutes of lesson in 5 minutes because the teacher was absent, I got engaged into “International Mother Tongue Day” organised by one of my schools, I bought a pair of beautiful shoes, I started to enjoy my new social life (volunteers, ily’all and miss y’all <3) and I managed to organise my first trip completely on my own. If that’s nothing then I don’t know what it is. Oh yes, my famous trips, or as I heard from some people “you have too much money”. Let’s remember the first one.

ROME

No matter how hard I try to overcome it, the very first thing I remember about Rome is the pain in my feet. If you’re ever in Rome, please children, don’t go there in brand-new shoes and try not to walk 21,5 km in a single day. As a true Polish, I will start with complaining. I waited 1,5h for a bus and it didn’t have a machine to buy tickets, as they have in Bologna (Bologna-Rome 1:0). On Saturday, despite not the best weather, I made a beautiful trip from Basilica Papale di Santa Maria Maggiore, through Colloseum, Forum Romanum, Altare della Patria, Palazzo Colonna, Fontanna di Trevi, Piazza Navona, Castel Sant’Angelo to the Vatican City and its museum (I have an illegal photo from Sistine Chapel, but shh). My friends volunteers, who also were in Rome, wanted me to go with them to Trastevere, but believe me, I was dying. The next day I did the check out before 8am and I enjoyed empty Rome on Sunday morning, it was amazing. I visited Trinità dei Monti. It was almost empty, @turbinis​ told me I was very lucky, so I will make you see how my luck looks like:

INDEED.IT.WAS.EMPTY.AND.ONE.HOUR.LATER.I.CAME.BACK.THERE.AND.IT.WAS.FULL.OF.PEOPLE.

WEEK #3

In one class there was a Polish boy. Whenever I saw him, he was yelling “CZEEEŚĆ” and whenever I told something about Poland all the children looked at him in the way “Do you confirm what she’s saying?” This week also brought me two great memories with my bro, Achille. He was sick and out of school and this week he was supposed to be back. He was a bit depressed and thought he would have to study all night. Oh, I forgot about the deep existential question he asked me two weeks before: “Have you ever loved someone on this Earth?”. Deep, you must admit. Another time, he was watching cartoons. When his cartoon ended, they started a cartoon for younger kids. He got offended, switched off the tv and took off the battery from the remote control, because “he won’t watch things for babies”. I remember that one day I became extremely hungry and the next day I went to Café Zamboni (coming back from Pinacoteca, which was amazing btw) and ate so much, that I could barely walk XD. I started realising that I want to go to Erasmus here. It was also a week of Sanremo, I remember with laugh how Athina tried to show her dad the performance of Achille Lauro and poor babbo was running away from her and her phone (I was team Gabbani, although now, when I’m writing this, I hear a loud “FAAAAAI RUMOOORE QUIIIII”). On Friday I got compliments from Rosanna and Rosanna for being a good teacher. They really liked how I had substituted Rosanna#1 the week before. Having my wings grown, I started my next trip, using Frecciarossa for the first time.

NAPLES

Although you may not believe it, it was the first time I had seen the sea. Moreover, I saw it for the first time in the same place as did Elena Greco in “L’amica geniale”, but I realised it a few weeks later. Getting out of the hostel, I went down Via Toledo, Galleria Umberto I, Castel Nuovo to Piazza del Plebiscito. I swear, I will fight anyone who says that Naples is dirty/ugly/both. Also, everyone was telling me about thieves, but somehow I didn’t get stolen. After I finished a gelato on Piazza, I went to the sea. It was one of the most beautiful feelings I’ve ever experienced. I thought “Screw all the sightseeing, you will do it tomorrow. Enjoy the sea today”, and so I did. I followed Lungomare all the time, passing along Castel dell’Ovo to the Mappatella beach. As it was the first time I saw the sea, the beach was also a whole new experience. Kids, never ever go to the beach in winter shoes, did you know? Because I didn’t. Probably I would watch a sunset there, but I got a bit scared with all those theft-stories and I was in the hostel before it got dark (I watched the sunset on Piazza del Plebiscito though). On Sunday I went from Santa Maria del Carmine, via Via San Biagio dei Librai and Via dei Tribunali to the Cathedral, Piazza Nazionale and train station. I arrived in Bologna at 11pm tired, but happy.

WEEK #4

In the middle of my stay, I moved to my second host family. At the beginning it was a bit weird (just like every time you change your life 180°). Everything changed the next evening, when I stayed home alone with my sisters and their nanny. We had a great time playing games and joking. Although I’m still ashamed that I lose in Mario, which was the game of MY childhood :C. That week another AIESEC meeting took place. Even two meetings, because on February, 14th there was a Global Village. It was a great event, even if I couldn’t enjoy it till the end, because the next day I had to wake up early. For the train. Btw, it was a Valentine’s Day, wasn’t it? I received some sweet cards from my students and it made my heart melt. After school we met with Marie Claire, who showed me something that now I miss a lot - tigelle.

FLORENCE

I woke up with a strong “oh shit” feeling. But as I realised I’m going to Florence, I got up and got ready in 20 minutes. Everyone was still sleeping, though I woke up Chiara when I tried to open the door. It was a cursed day for trains, I think. The train to Florence had too few wagons (I was assigned #9, but there were only 7, though they let me in) and the train from Florence was 40min delayed (I got into precisely on time I should get off in Bologna). I spent a wonderful day, mostly contemplating Il Duomo. Seriously, I took 42 photos of it, which makes almost a half of all photos taken in Florence. I can’t resist to put here at least one:

When I arrived to Ponte Vecchio, I saw a beautiful exhibition of jewelry. Really, it was so beautiful, that I couldn’t stop watching it. I even took a photo of it. As I started to continue my trip I said to myself “Magdalena, you will regret it till the end of your life!” So I came back and bought one bracelet. For 130€. Do I regret it? No. Would I regret if I hadn’t bought it? Yes. I will even show it to you.

One of the most important highlights is the visit to Capelle Medicee - if you ever go to Florence, go there, it costs only 2€ if you’re below 25 (or 26 idk). I enjoyed an amazing view from Giardini Boboli, saw another Neptun Fountain (like, Italians, aren’t you done with them yet???) and took a rest in front of Santa Croce. As a nice finish, I watched the sunset by the Cathedral.

WEEK #5

That Sunday (yes, now I start with Sunday, why not) Chiara woke me up early in the morning and we went to Matilde’s training (she plays rugby and btw Athina plays tennis and Carlotta does skating, I’m really proud of them). After the match (Matilde’s team won ofc) we went to Chiara’s parents. Oh my, I had never thought that people who had never seen me before would treat me as if I were their granddaughter, because that’s what I felt. I don’t remember if I ever had such a dinner, in such an atmosphere. I miss nonna’s tortellini, no one will ever prepare me better ones. In the evening, we played Dixit (a bit of Katowice flashback), the best game ever and don’t even try to say something different. Monday and Tuesday were the days of saying goodbye, since next week these days were supposed to be free. On Wednesday I spent a nice afternoon/evening with Heloísa, my Brasilian friend. We both didn’t know then that we will miss going out so much. On Thursday and on Friday I was a bit sick, I don’t know whether it was just a cold, a beginning of flu or covid-19, which everyone believes me to have had. Nevermind, on Saturday I was completely well.

SAN LUCA

San Luca is a sanctuary located on a hill near Bologna. You can go there on foot, through 666 “portici”. So did I with my host-mom Chiara and Carlotta. It was a beautiful, sunny day. I remember Carlotta running fast up the stairs and being tired when we went down. My sister has a big, pure heart. She gave her chocolate to a homeless man. Also, on that day she became my daughter. At least for the woman in the souvenir shop. (If you ask about Matilde, she was on a soccer game with her dad)

WEEK #6 HOW IT ALL COLLAPSED

Here, I should describe my last week in Italy. But I won’t.

It all started on Sunday morning. I had bought train tickets to Venice and Rimini a few days before. Chiara said “Do you know, there are more and more cases of coronavirus in Venice, in the evening there will be an official communicate. Consider not going there tomorrow”. All I said was “Okay.”. But really, I had no fear of this virus, I even thought I would take advantage of it, because panic means it will be less crowded, no? In the afternoon I went to the centre. In Piazza Maggiore, Via dell’Indipendenza and near the Two Towers people were celebrating the end of the carnival. As I don’t like crowded spaces, I went for a walk near Via San Vitale and Strada Maggiore. As the sun started to set, I decided to go back home. I received a message from AIESEC members that all schools in Emilia Romagna are closed. “A whole free week, cool” I thought. But as the new messages appeared I realised, that there would be no Venice tomorrow. They wrote “Please, don’t travel”. But then it was not my problem. I wanted to get into a bus, but somehow all the bus stops were empty. I had to go back on foot. Have I mentioned that I lived about 5 km from the centre? So, it was a long walk. As I walked, I tried to think what I would do for a whole week as probably the girls will go to grandparents’ and Chiara and Davide have their works. With Chiara we made a decision, I have to go back to Poland. We contacted a few members, about an hour later I had new bus tickets on my phone. We went to a supermarket, it was as if a war was coming. 5 minutes before closing the shop was full of people. And empty on shelves a few minutes later. At 10pm we drove to grandparents to leave the girls there. It was one of the hardest farewells in my life. You can ask why, they are not even your family. Maybe because I remember Carlotta’s words, when they both occupied the whole sofa and I asked “Oh, there’s no longer place for me, is there?” she answered “There will always be a place for you here”. Maybe because I remember Matilde’s head on my shoulder when we were on the way. Maybe because I remember how grandma treated me as her real granddaughter giving me some food and her confitures to Poland. Maybe because all these people showed me more familiar love and affection in these 5 weeks than I received from my real family. Maybe because they still text me asking how I’m doing. Maybe.

I stayed awake till 3am, making my suitcase and handbags. On Monday I went to school, which was closed, to make a closing meeting and to say goodbye to my first host-family. I went for a last coffee and pizza to my favourite restaurant nearby and came back home. I watched tv all the afternoon and had a farewell-pizza as a supper (2 pizzas in a day, very healthy, Magdalena). On Tuesday at 6am I was in a bus heading to Prague and then to Kraków. Instead of watching the sea in Rimini, I was watching some fields somewhere between Kraków and my town.

To make a happy end, it was the time of my life, I’d write something better here but it’s almost 1:30am when I write this, so sorry :C

[zankivich]

The Arrangement: CEO’s Son/Dom!Shawn x Black Sub Reader Chapter 8

a/n: I hope you didn’t think I’d make it quite so easy. A little pull and tug is worth it sometimes ya know? idk how much longer I’ll be around. Most people don’t engage with the fics anymore and Shawn isn’t really the Shawn I fell in love with anymore. Life just kind of sucks at the moment. But I’ve got this chapter already written so I thought I’d post it. If you liked it and actually want it to continue? I might recommend letting me know tbh. Bye. 

Shawn’s point of view

The problem with taking a woman to Rome on the first date is that anything after that just seems silly. What exactly was he to do now? Invite her over to his apartment for sushi? Even he would walk out on that date! It didn’t help that the second they got back to New York, after a very long winded kiss goodbye, that she’d jumped right into preparation for the VMAs. That essentially meant he wasn’t going to see her for days, maybe weeks. VMA season sparked award season in general for the music industry. It might not exactly give an indication of Grammys, but with the award show always arriving right as the ellibility period for the more prestigious honor was ending, it meant that the VMAS was the beginning of the long haul to get your artist at the top of the charts and fucking keep them there. Which also meant that just like she was busy, so was he. The difference was she actually liked her job. And he had...oh how he hated his.

He’s sitting in a marketing meeting for Sarah Leone. Sarah Leone is his dad’s bid for best new artist of the year. Forget the fact that y/n had her secret weapon of Normani and Khalid on one management team, and that he sort of had a feeling she was going to do a solo album release directly before the grammy consideration deadline just to keep the industry on its toes, his dad was thoroughly convinced Sarah was his ticket. And in a lot of ways she was. Small town girl turned mega popstar in a little over a year, her debut album was set to make beautiful numbers. Unfortunately that wasn’t enough. His dad had a very direct line of vision and that vision was complete and total domination. So it wasn’t enough to have your music sell, he wanted his artists to be inescapable from the public eye. Enter this season’s publicity stunt: The MC.

His dad thought it was a clever way to reference Miley Cyrus. Back in the day he’d orchestrated Miley’s dating of a 20 year old when she was 16 to address her rebellious teen phase. What most people saw as a kid going off the rails, was actually a perfectly manipulated moment in pop history. Except the dick cake that lost her the walmart branding deal, that was all her unfortunately.

Sarah was supposed to be seen out and about with mysterious new “it” british singer, Ty Summers. He was 21. She turned 18 just months prior. The two had begun with a close knit friendship, and were now being guided through the early stage of good, whole-hearted, perfectly constructed, “love”. He peers down at one of the new stills for her headline of V magazine, and simply can’t believe she’s 18. The cover makes him uncomfortable, makes him feel icky. No one at the table notices. And his dad isn’t even there, because this is too low level for the kind of work he does anymore.

“Next, I want her in London for the UK press tour. We’ll have her position at Summers’ hotel for half of her stay. I want pap shots at dinner every night out of the week, and I want a prompt at the BBC interview to hint at their connection. We’ll take it from there.” Jaret, one of the senior managers rattled off. “Any questions?”

He twirled boredly in his chair far from interested in the inner workings of career management if none of it meant jack shit about what the artist actually wanted for their career. It felt like such a waste of his time.

“Quick question?” He sighed popping his pen slightly into the air.

“Yes, Mendes?”

“When does she sing?” He shrugged.

The room goes still. It’s a well known fact that Jaret runs the room. He runs the meetings, runs the decisions. He’s top dog on this particular client, and Shawn is merely there under his father’s orders as an informant and nothing more. He was there to make sure things ran smoothly, but he certainly wasn’t there to offer critique. Woops.

“And what exactly does that mean?” Jaret challenged.

Shawn simply shrugged. “Just seems like if we have a musical artist who we signed on the basis of her being able to sing, that we might at some point want that to be the focal point of her career. But you know, I could be wrong.”

“There’s just one thing wrong here Shawn...we did not sign anyone. I did. We don’t make decisions on the intricacies of her career. I do. You are simply a glorified intern. Nothing more, nothing less. And if you’re father wasn’t afraid you’d run off every two seconds I wouldn’t have to babysit your ass right now. So, why don’t you let the professionals determine next steps and play on the computer daddy bought you, or whatever it is you do?”

Ouch.

The room shifted from Jaret back to Shawn. No one went against Jaret. And yet Shawn was perhaps the most unpredictable thing about his father’s company at that point. Needless to say unpredictably was a hell of a thing.

“It must really upset you that I get paid more than you do doesn’t it?” He hummed.

Jaret’s face began to redden, his nerves tighter than his balls that Shawn had such a precarious grip on at the moment.

“Or does it upset you more that I could do your job better than you right now, today, without even the ability to hear the tonedeaf artists you sign that are just pretty enough and just old enough not to get your ass arrested?” He tilted his head in contemplation. “Perhaps it’s even that one time at the company Christmas party where your wife caught you screwing your secretary in your office and stopped crying long enough for me to make her cum before signing the divorce papers? But you’re right Jaret, I simply should just get back to daddy’s computer. My bad.”

“You little son of--”

“Big.” Shawn interrupted sliding smoothly from his chair and packing his shit up from the horrible meeting he’d had no interest in attending in the first place. “I’m big son of a bitch, Jaret. Just ask Sarah.”

Sarah of course being his wife. Ex wife of course. Ex wife number three if we’re being specific.

The door shuts close behind him to Jaret screaming and lurching across the table towards his empty chair. He’d probably hear about it from his dad later. But honestly who cared. Jaret was a creepy asshole, and he was always gonna be a creepy asshole. Sorry not sorry.

***

He’d be a little embarrassed at how aggressively he yanked at the door were it not for the hopeful look in her big brown eyes when he sees her for the first time. He can tell she’s had a long day because her hair is down out of its bun already, tiny spirals falling all around her face and cheeks. But, the way she falls into his arms is enough to make his whole entire day. Because it means that after all the shit she’d been through that day, she wanted to be with him. And that’s the only thing he cared about in the whole world.

“I missed you.” He sighed already capturing her lips in a kiss.

She hummed softly against him, fingers squeezing at his shoulders.

“Missed you too.”

He pushed the door shut with his foot, arms keeping her tucked tightly against him. He’s sure he’s smiling like a complete and total idiot but he can’t help it. It’s this new exciting thing where he no longer has to be afraid of how close he is to her, no longer has to hope he doesn’t stare too long. She knows. And not only does she know, but somehow she feels the same way. It felt like a dream.

He tugged her back towards his kitchen and helped her into a seat before he pulled out the leftovers from his own dinner where he “accidently” ordered for two.

“Tiana said you didn’t eat dinner.” He shrugged at her questioning gaze. “And this little italian place up the block always gives me more than I need.”

She bit her lip and peered from the container of chicken parm to him and back to the parm. He thought for a second she just might fight him on it. And then he remembered how much she liked to eat.

“You and Tiana conspiring against me must stop!” She snorted grabbing the fork clean from his hand to dig in.

He leaned against the granite counter with his chin propped on his hand. She was wonderful. And silly. And a little ridiculous. He kind of loved it.

“Yes, because making sure you consume more than coffee in a twelve hour period is definitely a conspiracy.”

She rolled her eyes. “Maybe so.”

“Maybe so.” He mimicked. “I missed the way you argue with me about everything. Feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

Her eyes got wide and bright and she turned a grin towards him that he practically ached to lick off. She was gorgeous.

“You missed me huh? The Shawn Mendes has fallen head first into a little monogamy moment has he?”

Sometimes he liked to think that her favorite past time was taking the piss out of him. It sure seemed that way.

He rolled his eyes back at her and butted his head softly into her neck.

“And what if I have?” He whispered softly. “You have too. Right?”

His nose skimmed along her neck and she shivered. He smiled against her skin. She’d fallen just as hard alright.

“Yea I guess so.” She mumbled.

He pulled back and pressed a kiss to her cheek before grabbing her glass to refill with water.

“You should eat up. You’re gonna need your strength.”

“Excuse me?”

He refilled her glass from the refrigerator and placed in front of her before leaning against the countertop again.

“Oh. I just meant that I plan to fuck you until the birds sing. I don’t want you getting tired on me before I’m done with you.”

His favorite past time was saying the wildest things he could come up with to her in the simplest voice possible and then watching the way it made her eyes bulge in her sockets. God he loved it.

This time she simply stuffed a breadstick in her mouth and hopped out of her seat to start taking her jacket off. It seemed she might be just as needy as he was.

“Yep! Okay. You can come get it now!”

“I’m comin’, baby.” He grinned lifting her up into his arms.

“Goddammit. Carbs and dick. It’s like my birthday or something!”

His bedroom is way too far away. They’ve gotta figure out a way to get there quicker. But he chuckles into her cleavage as he knocks them against walls to stop and kiss her. Her thighs mold to his waist, ass full in his hands. He’s stuck on her completely. And the worst part is that she knows it.

He lets her legs back down to the floor only to press her against the wall of his bedroom, lips, teeth, and tongue beginning a trail along her neck.

“You make me never wanna go back to go work ever again.” She whined, fingers tangling in his hair.

“I’d happily quit if we could stay in bed for the rest of forever.” He murmured.

“Don’t tempt me!”

Maybe he would.

“Mmmm speaking of work, how hard you gonna make my job for me this fall?” He hummed biting down on her lip to solicit a yelp that drove him crazy.

“What do you mean?” She asked, fingers already tugging at his belt.

“I’m supposed to believe Normani’s not releasing an album before awards season?”

Her fingers came to a stuttering stop, and he recognized that her kisses weren’t really kisses anymore. His eyes opened to meet hers and instead of the lust from just moments prior, there was...anger?

“What the fuck, Shawn?”

“W--What? What?” He mumbled reaching for her as she quickly stepped out of his arms.

“Why would you ask me that? Since when the hell do you care when my artists release music?”

He’s a little flustered and his dick is hard and her yelling at him when his dick is hard is only just adding to the complex array of emotions that his brain would surely need more blood to process.

“I--I don’t know! I thought that’s what couples did right? Like they--they ask each other about work and shit. What did I do?”

“Couples?” She paused, all of the steam leaving her like a deflated balloon. “Are we--we’re a couple?”

At this point he’s pretty sure she’s gonna give him a heart attack.

“I….Aren’t we?”

“I--I don’t know. I don’t know, we’ve only been on one fucking date, Shawn. And just because it was wonderful and beautiful and romantic doesn’t mean that you get to ask me questions like that. I just… Shit. I need space.”

“Space?”

His heart leapt a little in his chest. He’d said that word before. “Space”. When people said they needed space it always meant permanent. It meant separation. It meant losing her. And the effect that her words have on him is a little surprising, even though he’s not processing nearly fast enough to catch on. All he can hear, feel, think, breathe is her not wanting him. And in this moment of fragility for him he’s not quite sure how to cope.

“Wait. Just wait a second. I don’t even know what’s happening right now!” He cried his hands held up in surrender. “Let’s just talk. Let’s just talk for a second okay? Tell me what I did wrong and I’ll fix it.”

“No. I don’t want to talk to you right now. I’m going home. I--I’lll call you later.”

She sweeps right past him, her fingers re-buttoning the same buttons she had giggled when he’d undone just seconds ago. He’s so floored by what’s taking place and he’s got no idea how to fix it. How to make her happy. He just wants to make her happy. And he doesn’t want her to go.

“Y/n. Y/n, please? Alright, just talk to me.”

Her fingers slip through his when he reaches for her and just like that she’s gone. And it hurts. It hurts far more than he knows what to do with. What the fuck?

***

*Three days later*

*y/n’s point of view*

A foul mood did not begin to describe what you were in. Everyone had been steering completely clear of you and rightfully so. Anyone who dare breathe wrong in your direction would get an earful. It wasn’t your fault. You hadn’t exactly been sleeping well. Your stomach was in knots. You were stressed as hell. But, none of that was allowed to matter. You had work to do. So, everything else got placed on the backburner.

You’re in your office taking a twenty minute “get your shit together bitch” break when a knock sounds itself on your door. Tiana had been the only one with balls to knock on the door in days, so you had no doubt who it could be.

“Come in, Ti.” You sighed still leaning pathetically across your desk.

The door slides open and unless Tiana grew several feet and turned into a white man over night, it was certainly not your assistant standing there.

“Hi.” Shawn mumbled waving awkwardly in your direction.

He was in a suit again. But not one of the ones from the red carpet that would make your thighs tremble. This must be one of his work ones. It looks too restrictive on his body. He’s wearing a tie, and your fingers itch to remove it, to dishevel him back into the man that you knew.  The worst part is that even in discomfort he doesn’t look real. He looks like an ad standing there at your doorway. An absolute vision to behold. You had to remind yourself that you were angry at him.

“How did you--What are you doing here? Shawn?”

He quickly closed the door and strode over to you, at least having the good grace to keep his distance to the chair in front of your desk.

“You didn’t answer any of my calls. Which is fine I guess. I get that maybe you need space but...I really hate what’s going on between us right now.” He mumbled.

His knee is bouncing. You only recognize this because it shakes your desk in a gentle hum. His fingers twist and turn anxiously on your desk as if he’s fighting the urge to reach out and touch your hand. His lips are stress bitten and his hair looks like it’s been the victim of an attack as well.

“Really?” You asked, leaning back slighting your chair in confusion.

He raised an eyebrow. “Yes, really. What did you think I was just out living my best life since you stormed out of my apartment at one am without a word and ignored me for three days?”

“No, I just...I just didn’t realize it would have this great of an effect on you. I guess I--I didn’t know you cared that much.”

“You didn’t know that I care that much? What the hell, y/n?” He groaned. “Why are you doing this right now?”

“Doing what?! What am I doing?”

“You’re pulling away. We sat there in Rome and you asked me to promise you that I was all in. And I am. And now you’re scared, is that it? You don’t know what it might look like for us to be together in the real world, so you’re pulling away from me.”

Well that was certainly a read. You were flustered. Your lips opened and shut around nothing but air as you sat there at a loss for words. It wasn’t conscious, or maybe on some level it was, but Shawn scared the hell out of you. Rome was a beautiful, beautiful bubble, but a bubble nonetheless. The second you got back to New York you couldn’t help but wonder if it would actually work a tall. You were still so different. And much as you liked him, and shit you really fucking liked him, it was terrifying to place yourself into new charted territory. You were scared of him. Of the two of you together. Of what it could mean. And he never even needed you to say it, he just knew it about you instantly.

“Look,” He sighed. “I still don’t really know what I did wrong. I know I probably sound like I’m being a little bitch right now but...shit y/n I just got you and I feel like I’m losing you already. Like you’re not even gonna give me a chance to try to make you happy. Is that how it’s gonna be? Cause if it is just tell me okay? Tell me what you want.”

“I don’t...I don’t know. Okay? I don’t know.” You mumbled

The look that he gives you tells you that this hurts him. That you not being a hundred percent in is painful. Everything was just moving so incredibly fast. One second you couldn’t fathom the idea that Shawn would even want to do more than fuck you, let alone be leading the charge your relationship. It was fast. All of it. And you? You were scared.

“Okay. Well I guess just call me when you figure it out.”

He got out of his seat and headed for the door only throwing you further off your game. You didn’t know much about what you wanted. You just knew that you didn’t want him mad at you, and you didn’t want him to leave. It didn’t help that a part of you felt like you should be leading this matter. You were older, you were the woman. Never had anyone cornered you in the manner that Shawn was in this moment. It was completely different than anything you’d ever experienced.

“Wait--shit. Shawn don’t leave.”

He shook his head. “It’s fine. You’re not ready, and I was. Just…Call when you figure things out. Maybe I’ll talk to you later.”

And just like that he’s gone. Fuck.

***

It’s another long night. You’re tired. You’re heart is heavy. Your ponytail is too tight. And you wanna go to bed. But you have no interest in sleeping alone, and therefore are stuck at your desk again. There’s three different contracts waiting your signature on your desk, but the words have begun to blur. You tell yourself it’s not because you’re crying because you definitely aren’t. It’s just cause you’re tired. Yes.

“Hey, it’s late I’m gonna---oh lord. I haven’t seen you cry since Michelle Obama smiled at you on a red carpet.” Tianna gasped.

You sniffled. “Bitch I am not crying. Go home.”

She rolled her eyes. “Denial or delusion. Your favorite pastimes. Come tell Titi what’s wrong while I’m still awake.”

She plopped herself in the chair opposite your desk and reached for the tissues on your desk to hand to you. You take one begrudgingly.

“You haven’t let me call you Titi since college.”

“Of course I haven’t, “She giggled. “What kind of grown ass woman walks around goin’ by Titi. Now stop deflecting.”

Best friends are no good. They know you too well. It makes it way too hard to hide.

“I….I think I fucked things up.”

“With Shawn you mean?”

You nod slowly.

“Yea, I saw him come out of your office lookin’ like a kicked puppy. I couldn't even get him to laugh for me before he left. You never really said what happened though.” She nudged gently.

A sigh passes through your lips that feels bone deep. Your fingers twitch anxiously against the desk. There’s nowhere to hide here. You just have to be truthful. It’s the worst.

“We...We decided to give it a go. And he took me to Rome, as your meddling ass knows, and it was the most amazing thing I could experience. It was everything I ever thought it would be but...he made it more. And I kept thinking that he was going to stop at some point. I don’t know I thought surely it was gonna work, because how could it you know?”  

“No, not quite sis. I don’t know. Maybe you can explain it to me.”

You bite your lip and twitch anxiously.

“I asked him in Rome one of our last nights there if he was gonna be all in. We talked about race and white supremacy and I told him that I needed someone who could stand with me in all of it, not just when it is convenient.”

“And he said…?”

“Well the fucker said yes.” You huffed. “He promised it even.”

“Shit.” Tiana mumbled taking a pause herself. “I would’ve never called Shawn Mendes to be a social justice warrior.”

You rolled your eyes. “He’s far from it, now. He’s still a white boy. But he wanted to try. He was willing to try for me.”

“So you can see how maybe I’m missing the part where you fucked up. This sounds a little like a black girl’s love story come true.”

“I went over to his place and he offered me breadsticks and dick, in that order. But then when we were getting to it, he asked me about Normani, Ti. He asked if I was going to ‘make his job harder for him’ by having her release her album before award season.”

“Oh lord, that poor bastard didn’t even know what hit him.” She sighed.

“I’m serious Ti!” You groaned. “I’ve been here before. I’ve had the music exec who wanted to get into my pants just to know what we were doing in this building. I--I can’t go back there. You and I both know that there’s nothing Manny Mendes would love to see more than one his little white girls on top and my people failing on the bottom of the totem pole. We work too goddamn hard for me to lose it.”

Tiana paused for a minute and stared at you. Her eyes were soul searching, the way they tended to be. She was as lovely and amazing as she was terrifying. She knew you better than you knew yourself, and she never hesitated to call you on your bullshit. Even if you didn’t know it was bullshit. Especially when you didn’t know it was bullshit.

“Girl, I love you more than anyone I’ve ever met in my life, but you are truly exhausting.” She sighed and held her hand up as a means to silence you before you even spoke. “Now if you’re not ready for someone to potentially love and take care of you that’s one thing. But if you are intentionally sabotaging yourself because you’re scared you gotta knock it the fuck off.”

“But Ti--”

“No, ma’am. If that boy wanted to know when Normani’s album was dropping he did not need to take your ass to Rome to do it. You have been scorned by this industry more than most will ever recognize, and I know that, and I validate that. But you ain’t in a relationship with Manny Mendes. You’re not in a relationship with the industry. It’s Shawn. And that man hates his dad and his dad’s company more than you do. I love you, but you’re being a bit ridiculous.”

“...Fuck.”

“Fuck, indeed.” She hummed. “You keep doing this. You keep letting outside factors affect everything, and that’s not sustainable. You have to trust him. He has to trust you. That’s the only way it works.”

You peered at her with tired eyes. The kind of eyes that a woman who’d been scorned one time too many might have.

“But what if he hurts me?”

“Than we pick up the pieces. We work at it until your healed. But you don’t get the love without faith. You’ve got to put yourself out there, babe.”

And that is of course how you end up at his place at midnight on Friday nonetheless. Ti had practically ushered you off, offering to close up shop for the night if it meant you would finally leave the office. You’re still in your work jumpsuit with the too tight ponytail and the makeup that you couldn’t wait to take off.  The code lets you easily without having to let him know that you’re there. Perhaps that’s why you finally get to hear him this time.

The doors of his fancy apparently  are surely made of thicker wood, so he must be sitting right inside the living room. Regardless you hear it in this soft, muted kind of way. It’s an acoustic guitar, the plucking of his fingers just as rounded and full. It’s beautiful and rhythmic and it makes you pause, your fingers still resting on the door knob because then the mother fucker starts to sing.

Maybe I had too many drinks, but that's just what I needed

I hope that you don't think that what I'm saying sounds conceited

When I look across the room and you're staring right back at me

Like somebody told a joke and we're the only ones laughin'

You’re fingers grip tight at the door knob, you’re mind both seemingly filled with a million thoughts and yet too overwhelmed to process any of it. His door is unlocked though and when you stumble inside the vision in your head comes to life. He’s sat on his floor by the fireplace with a guitar you’ve never seen upon his lap. He’s wearing a white tanktop and black sweats. The rosary against his neck nestles against what looks like perfectly tamed chest hair. He is as unreal as ever. And yet somehow, somehow that is not the most astonishing part of everything around you in this moment.

He pops his head up towards you. His fingers don’t still on the guitar at all as he seems to pluck out the melody he’d sung just moments prior.

“Took you long enough. Almost like you were outside eavesdropping or something.” He hummed.

“I...How did you even know I was outside?” You stuttered.

“I get an alert every time someone enters my code. I don’t just wait around for you all the time ya know.”

Rude.

“You...You sing.”

He peered at you, fingers still moving, his head tilted just slightly to the side as if you were as confusing to him as he was to you.

“I sing.” He affirmed. “Is that okay?”

“How come--I mean you never said anything.” You frowned. “That--That song. You wrote that?”

He nodded slowly. “I’ve been given a bit of inspiration lately. Is that what you came here for? To bust me in my hobby?”

This changes things. And surely it wouldn’t have mattered because Ti’ had already convinced you to suck it the fuck up and come over, but the fact that he’s got music in him and never said anything matters. Because there’s a lot he could have asked for. A lot he could have tried to get from you, and he hadn’t. It really didn’t matter to him at all. You were just a fucking asshole.

It occurred to you that you were still standing in the middle of his doorway, so you closed the door and moved slowly near him. He set his guitar off to the side as you plopped one of his decorative pillows in the spot beside him and sat down. Without his guitar, Shawn was a lot more fidgety. He took to playing with his rings on his fingers again, eyes soft and vulnerable pointed in your direction.

“So...Is this it? You come here to end it?” He asked.

You took a deep breath. “No. I came here to apologize.”

His eyes flickered up to your face, a hint of hesitance to them.

“I’ve never heard you apologize in my life.”

You rolled your eyes and punched playfully at his arm, the chiseled muscle probably hurting you more than it hurt him. He wasn’t wrong.

“The truth is...When you asked me about Normani’s release I didn’t think of it as you wanting to know about my day. I didn’t think about it as you wanting to be kind to me at all. I sort of, maybe thought you were snooping trying to figure out a way that you could hurt me.” You admitted softly. “Because--well because that’s what I’ve experienced in the past. And that’s not an excuse but it just is...it’s what I was feeling.”

He squinted his nose up and it would’ve been cute had you not been so flustered.

“Wait, you thought I was gonna hurt you? How?” He asked turning more in your direction.

You winced. “Like...by maybe taking it to your dad. Knowing whether or not Normani’s gonna release would be really beneficial to him.”

There’s a range of emotions that cover his face. First confusion. Then acceptance. And then anger.

“Why would I ever do that to you? What have I ever said or done to make you think that I would choose allegiance to my dad of all people over you. I hate my job, y/n. I hate that company. You know that better than just about anyone.”

“I know! I know that. I just--fuck. You scare me okay!” You whined. “I haven’t been in a healthy relationship in years. I’ve been fucked over in my job, in my relationships, in life constantly. And I didn’t exactly walking into our arrangement expecting to find a relationship. I don’t know how to do this, Shawn. I don’t--I’m not sure I truly deserve it.”

You glanced down at the floor in worry and fear. You wanted it. God, you really wanted it. But, shit if you weren’t terrified to try.

When he crawls into your lap, you’re a little taken aback. For how tall that fucker is, he certainly could use an extra meal or two. But, there’s something about the reversal of his thighs bracketing your hips the way that yours would usually do to his. There’s something about the way his thumb soothes at your pulse point as his fingers rest on either side of your neck. There’s something about the way that he looks at you with tenderness and kindness. It’s a little unlike anything you’d ever quite felt before. And it makes you soften beneath him with ease, all the fire running out of you at once.

“You are...the most hard headed woman I’ve ever met.” He mumbled softly.

You smiled sheepishly. “That’s what my momma’s been telling me since I was born.”

“Well she’s right. But I’m kind of crazy about you. And I don’t like fighting with you. And I don’t like being mad at you, or you being mad at me. I just want to make you happy. This is the first time in my life where I feel like I can make some good out of anything. You feel...right. I like you, and I want to take care of you, and I’d like to have something where we can both give each other that. I’m just as scared as you are, okay? I don’t fucking know what I’m doing either. But I wanna try. Do you?”

Was it really that simple? Could it be that simple?

“I do. I really do.” You whispered.

“Good. That’s all I needed to hear. C’mere.”

For him, it could be.

His fingers knot in your ponytail and he tugs your lips to his with zero hesitation. After a shitty week of back and forth it feels good to not have to think for a while, to let his lips work over yours. He’s dominant even here with his tongue and his hands and his hips. He could’ve made it soft and gentle, but that’s not really what the two of you were about. Or was it?

“I’ve got leftovers in my fridge.” He murmured running his thumb along your bottom lip. “Did you eat dinner?”

You shake your head softly and he quickly climbs off your lap to tug you towards the kitchen. It doesn’t go unnoticed to you that his guitar stays behind in the living room.

“Are we ever gonna talk about the singing thing?”

“Maybe let’s do one heavy thing at a time, aye? I’ll tell you sometime. I promise. For now, do you want egg drop soup or pasta?”

You climbed into your seat at his kitchen counter and quickly tugged at your jacket and ponytail holder.

“Pasta. And one of these days I’m gonna teach your pasty ass how to cook.”

“Sure thing, babe.” He snorted. “I look forward to it.”

***

Permanent taglist

@simpledomain @liliane106 @sinplisticshawn  @xeuphorically-moonstruck@euphoric05 @daijanicole @bruhh-whateven @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 @decewill @goldiean  @bruhh-whateven@justbeingoceana @loveylangdon @iloveshawnieboi@september-lace @valedictorian65 @disaster-rose@justbeingoceana @loveylangdon @bitchacho25 @sinplisticshawn@thecurlsofgod @lifeoftheparty74 @kamahriii 

Arrangement Taglist:

@moonlightmendes22 @iloveshawnieboi@shawnsblue @cottoncandyshawn

@claredolphinbear24 @peterbrokenparker @shawnase@blackharry @shawnwyr @speakingofmari @moniehp@ydolansss  

[thewhaatever]

BE MORE CHILL LONDON

My brain was very bad at processing things that day but seeing the show on Saturday was honestly the best experience of my life and here's why:

First of all: Joe Iconis was sitting two rows in front of me.

I was freaking out a little and my friend was laughing at me but I didn't want to annoy him so I tried to chill

But then he was standing behind us in line for merch (he was buying a whole bunch of his own merch which was kinda funny) and some other people talked to him so I did too and I'm not entirely sure what I said to him but he was SO nice and then I got a picture and... yeah I was just really happy.

Now to the show:

The set was incredible. Absolutely amazing.

The screen was used so perfectly and made everything seem like a videogame, honestly.

It was basically the only set. The only furniture they had was a desk for Jeremy's room, chairs for the school and some other minor things (I have to say it did seem a little bit empty at times and I wish that would have used a bed at least - didn't make sense to me that Jeremy falls asleep at his desk - but I'm probably just too used to the Broadway set)

More Than Survive was SO good! Scott puts so much emotion in his portrayal of Jeremy... I can't really describe what exactly he did but something about his Jeremy felt so real and yeah I might have cried a little... (I honestly think he’s my favourite Jeremy so far)

Also: Blake's Michael is very different from George's but in such an interesting way. I loved him the second he entered the stage. He really did capture the "Doesn't care about what anyone thinks, but deep down he does a little" - Energy.

Play Rehearsal was.... wow.

Miracle's Christine had no chill. At all. She was so unbelievably weird and quirky. (Also, she seemed much colder / not interested in talking about anything except theatre and when she didn't want to talk about something she was really showing that by acting uninterested... I thought that was an interesting take that definitely worked for the character) Every normal person would have been a little freaked out by her energy during the song probably but Jeremy was just staring at her the whole time with heart eyes it was really cute.

Favourite part was how Jake said: "Rich is doing it cause he's MY BOI!"

Squip Song was great, his VOICE!! WOW. I love James's Rich. Like, you could really see that even though he's the school's bully, there's something underneath that's not right. Everything he did felt very forced and I loved it (also, I told James at the stage door that Rich is my favourite character and that made him really happy apparently)

Now that I am thinking about it, I think they changed that scene a little and Rich didn't pee (so that conversation was missing) but that was probably due to the set bc the toilets were just projections on the screen so it would have been weird if he pretended to pee on the screen 😂

Also really loved the use of the screen during that whole scene, it was flashing and glitching when Rich's Squip was acting up

They brought back the bean bags for Two Player Game!!

The staging for this was so cool because at the end when Jeremy and Michael were dancing the screen made it look like they were the characters in the game (but differently than on Broadway) and I loved it (I'm sorry I'm really bad at explaining this)

Also, Blake's 'Is it really true, I'm your favourite person' was so funny, he did like a model pose or something and was sliding off the bag.

Scott was basically sitting on the floor the whole time because he somehow didn't manage to properly sit on that bag

Also, I think they changed the dialogue about Jeremy's mum a little bc when Michael asks him if he's heard from her Jeremy said "A little" and I'm pretty sure he didn't say that before

I feel Blake's Michael is that kind of person who's really bad at expressing how he feels... like, you could see in his face that he didn't like Jeremy's idea about going to the Payless and that he was genuinely scared about being too uncool for Jeremy afterwards but he really tried to say the "will u be to cool for... videogames" kinda jokey and yeah I'm overanalysing but I loved it

One thing in general: Everyone seemed really young on stage, definitely much younger than the Broadway cast. Especially Jeremy and Michael. I really believed that they were teenagers!! And I really love that.

Scott was fidgeting a LOT with his hands and I feel like that was very in character for Jeremy. I thought so often that he would drop things.... (like the money in the scary stockboy scene.. it took him so long to give it to Michael)

Jakes favourite restaurant is Pizza Hut now

When the Squip was activated Scott was screaming and rolling across the entire stage and it would have been funny if it didn't look like he was actually in pain

Because the stage was different the Squip had to walk on for his entrance and somehow that was incredibly funny to me but I can't explain why

Stewart Clarke. Holy shit. I'd totally swallow a supercomputer if it looked like him! I loovveeed his take on the role. I've seen interviews with him where he was talking about how he has to think of so many weird questions like how does a computer act, does it feel, how does it feel etc. And I really saw that he was thinking about those things. At the beginning his Squip was very robot-ish, simply focused on making Jeremy cool, without any secret plan or anything. But throughout the show, the Squip clearly evolved and became more... human, I guess? Like it was showing more and more human traits/emotion which peaked in The Play (later more on that)

In conclusion: I loved the Squip so so much

Squip: "Everything about you makes me wanna die!"

Jeremy: "Uhhhhhh this is intense!!"

The Brooke/Chloe scene in the mall was so funny and the part where the Squip tells Jeremy what to say (u know, in bmc pt.1) might have been my favourite part of the show. Scott looked so awkward and confused by everything but he did his best to mirror the Squip (they did identical movements the whole time which I don't remember from Broadway but my memory is shit so...)

Millie's Chloe was so over the top I love it.

They changed the dialogue a lot here, so that there's no mention of Madeleine at all so Chloe wasn't pissed or anything (I'm not sure if I like that) Jeremy just said something along the lines of "Oh you wouldn't know her because she's French" and that's where Brooke picks up her trying to speak French- thing

I THINK (not 100% sure tho) that Millie said "Jeremy?" Instead of "Jerry" At the beginning of that scene and that Scott was a bit confused for a second but he just continued with "It's Jeremy" and then Millie had to duck away because she was laughing (but maybe she did say it right and was just laughing at Jeremy in character idk)

I loved how Eloise's Brooke was so awkward. From the second that Jeremy noticed her she tried SO hard to impress him and it didn't work very well but it was so cute. Chloe tries to show her the whole time what to do but that doesn't make it better.

During Do you wanna ride, Jermey got so scared of the girls that he climbed onto the table with the t-shirts (actually now that I'm thinking about it he was climbing on things a lot)

Guy That I'd kinda be into was so cute!! I never particularly liked that song but Miracle somehow gave it a very different flair and I loved that. They changed the staging a bit and there weren't other people with hearts (there were hearts on the Screen) but at one point Rich was coming on stage with a helium heart balloon for like a second and then he disappeared again 😂 that was a bit weird but...

now lets get to the Act 1 Finale which was SO GOOD

Okay, so they changed it up quite a lot: After the whole "Eminem is dead?!" The Squip tells Jeremy that Brooke likes him (and Christine doesn't, yet) and Jeremy is so shocked that he turns to Brooke and says "You like me?" And she's like confused but nods and he's like: "Why???" (I loved that, Scott delivered that line really funny) and then Brooke explains the whole thing with Chloe, that she always gets noticed first etc. (That whole scene was really cute Jeremy and Brooke really seemed to actually like each other and I was really able to relate to Brooke - good Job Eloise!)

Then Brooke starts singing the "I'm tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am" Jeremy repeats it and then she starts Upgrade with the tres magnifique bit. It's like on the OBC until Jake's and Christine's part. They do their verse but run off after "Gotta get an upgrade" (Miracle was singing this up the octave which sounded SO cool) so they didn't have their conversation about Jake's parents (I did miss this a little but I get why it was cut) and then Jeremy ran back on stage followed by the Squip (you can see in Stewart's performance that he's already much more persuasive in a human way than before) who starts to sing the aggressive "C-c-c-come on Jeremy can't you see we got a plan, now be the man..." From the original cast album (I loved this SO much). Everyone came on to sing the "Christine" part in that and was surrounding Jeremy. He then shouts "Arghh too many voices in my head" the Squip leaves, Michael comes on, they do their "Jeremy that's amazing" dialogue, the Squip explains optic nerve blocking and says that he has to cut Michael off if he wants to be popular (Squip: "Cut your ties... or you'll both drown" I remember that because it sounded so unbelievably dramatic), Michael asked "Are you coming" and leaves the stage for Jeremy to sing Loser, Geek, Whatever.

I loved all of that so much because Scott puts so much emotion into this song, it nearly made me cry!! He really conveyed Jeremy's inner struggle without making him look like an asshole, more like a stupid kid that's going to make a really stupid decision

The second verse and chorus of LGW were cut (the "Dad taught me follow your instincts..." part) which I really liked (I never enjoyed the chorus of this song tbh).

"THE PROBLEM HAS ALWAYS BEEN.... .... me" the way Scott sang that truly broke my heart.

AND THEN (Loved this SO SO MUCH) after "ever agaaiiiiinnn" He went straight into that part that I guess you could call an Upgrade reprise from the Original Cast album ("And I wasn't sure before but now I wanna go all the way and more so give me that upgrade" etc.) AND it tied in so perfectly with Michael then asking again "Are you coming" and "Optic nerve Blocking on" and as much as I loved the "I'm tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am" chorus, this was SUCH a great way to end act one, I might even prefer this.

I just love how they mixed in the old parts from this song that I was really missing on the OBC.

When the Squip came out in his first dress (is it a dress?) Costume people were cheering, loved that. (I mean that costume IS gorgeous and Stewart Clarke looks absolutely fabulous in all the costumes)

That was Act 1!! (I am so sorry if you actually read everything up to this point...)

Act 2

Halloween had such an amazing energy!!! The dances!! Ahh

At his "I don't have a machete but a loaf of bread will do" line, James threw the bread up in the air but didn't catch it and just hit his head as he went to pick it up as if he was blaming his Squip (not sure if that was supposed to happen but I loved it)

I loved how the Squip joined the dance, it looked so fancy with his costume 😂 I know he did this on Broadway too and I never really understood why (the others can't see him after all) but there it kinda felt like it was hinting at the fact that the Squip was becoming more human-ish??? (I'm definitely overthinking this) Like he was having fun maybe??? Idk

Millie's Do you wanna hang was so hilarious!!!

Like I said they didn't have a bed so she was just dancing around him (which looked good but I missed a bed here tbh) and they added a bit of dialogue (I think, maybe it was in the Broadway version) where Jeremy asked her "Are you jealous of Brooke??" And she was like "I'm not jealous I just don't understand why everyone likes her and no one likes me." (Or something like that) and the way Millie delivered that line really gave Chloe a whole lot of character depth. She sounded so heartbroken, I just wanted to hug her.

When the Squip shuts off (it looked really funny), Stewart just trust-falls backwards off stage and someone has to catch him and I was just thinking what if whoever catches him forgets about it??? 😂😂 (No seriously, dear catch person, don't forget this, ever... we need him as a Squip)

And now, the moment we have all been waiting for. MITB

Ahhh I was having so many feeling during this scene. I already told you that I love Blake's Michael and I really loved how rational and smart (?) He sounds in the scene before the song compared to Jeremy who kept insisting that the Squip isn't bad.

They added a bit of dialogue here too I think, because Jeremy said something along the lines of "You said technology isn't dangerous-" "Yeah unless someone uses it like you do!" (Something like this), really loved that as people somehow keep insisting that this is a show about the dangers of modern technology (It's definitely not).

Blake and Scott both did such an incredible job in this scene (and overall obviously), you just knew something bad was about to happen...

At the "Leave me alone" (not sure if that's what he's saying) line Jeremy steps reaaalllyy close to Michael (like there noses were almost touching close) and he looked so intimidating towards Michael and Blake sounded actually a bit scared when he says "Or you'll what?"

Then they just stand there for some seconds, not moving, before Jeremy says the "Get out of my way, loser" and Scott says this with so much hatred, my heart was actually hurting. Michael then just steps away and he looked sooo sad I almost cried.

MITB was absolutely amazing. Again very different than George's version but with just as much emotion and Blake's voice was sooooo beautiful, I can't!!

He sang the last "Michael in the Bathroom by himself" a bit different (can't really describe it but the note on "bath" was higher than usual? I don't know much about music sorry) and I loved loved loved that

The scene with Christine and Jeremy was so sweet. They were so unbelievably weird, I love them.

When the costumed person between them leaves, Christine pulls Jeremy across the stage by his legs and places them on top of hers (like in the promo pic) and it looked so cute!!

After that when Rich comes on and says the "I'll burn you out" I was soo sure somehow that there used to be a voiceover of his Squip but I can't find it anywhere so idk I'm confused... But it's definitely not there anymore.

Smartphone Hour. Holy shit, that was SO good. Renée Lamb's voice OMG!! Absolutely incredible.

(I just had to notice once again how much I hate the costumes in this scene... like the colours are great but what teenager wears THAT to sleep???)

The screen was so cool here again!! It obviously showed Jenna's selfie with the house (which I want printed to hang on my wall tbh) and then at the end it was full of fire that changed its colour and all of that was so fitting for the colour scheme!! The entire set design is just so incredible.

Also, Brooke is eating a banana when Chloe calls her and when she tells her about the fire Eloise just yeets it across the entire stage

They all looked like they were having so much fun!!

Back to Jeremy: For the scene with Mr Heere, Scott was switching back to total asshole mode... Internally I was like "Uhh that little shit" but yeah, great acting!!

I LOVE the pants song! It's so underappreciated!

The "You're burning incense" line got a lot of laughs

"Say it like you're in the army!"

"NO, SERGEANT, SIR!!!" *salutes*

Loved that

Pitiful Children was actually SO intimidating!! The use of the screen here and in The Play was almost overwhelming but like in a good way, I really felt the seriousness of the situation.

Again great acting skills from Scott and Stewart. Jeremy was so torn between giving in and knowing that it's wrong and the Squip really felt humanly evil at this point.

Renée Lamb's riff!! Omg! She did it very different than in the press videos but it sounded so cool!!

Also, I felt so bad for Jenna. Her "No one's ever asked me that before" really hit me.

"Michael makes an entrance!!!!!" was perfect, I love Blake!

The fight between Jeremy and Michael looked SO violent 😂 at one point towards the end Jeremy punched him and he was just lying there on the edge of the stage for some minutes and only woke up to join everyone screaming at the end.

I loved how everyone acted when they were squipped!! They were very obviously not themselves.

Especially Christine was acting very very differently. Her voice sounded completely different and you could see that Jeremy made his decision to give her the mountain dew red the second she opened her mouth.

Jake's "God I love me!" Was just really wholesome. He sounded so surprised about that.

They didn't have the "My Squip says I can go all the way to Broadway" :((( but I can live with that...

The part where the Squip “Died” was SO good!!! This was really the moment where the Squip felt very much like a human being. He was screaming and begging and sounded actually terrified. His acting here was absolutely incredible. I almost, almost felt bad for him a little.

Also, the projections were amazing, it looked like the screen shattered when the Squip died. 

Again, one thing that really bothered me: What kind of hospital doesn't have beds??? Jeremy and Rich were just sitting in wheelchairs which was fine but like... Why no bed???

I loved James' acting in this scene!!! He was a COMPLETELY different person and everyone noticed that right away. Even without the l lisp, you would have noticed simply by the way he was talking. James really did a great job with Rich!!

His "I'm totally bi now!!" Sounded so surprised and got a lot of applause.

Voices in my head is my favourite song and made me cry 😂

Christine's Squip is now Greta Thunberg!!!!

I loved how Jeremy was totally his old self again when he was talking to Christine. He was stammering and fidgeting with his hands a lot and only managed to bring out the "Bowling Alley performance art?" Because Christine kept encouraging him which was so cute. If there are somehow still people out there who think that their relationship is underdeveloped they should watch this version.

The kiss was so cute!! Miracle and Scott have amazing chemistry!

I really think that's all I have to say... It's a lot I'm sorry 😂😂😂 just had to write those thoughts down.. I hope it makes a little sense I was a bit sick in the last few days so excuse me if anything's worded in a weird way...

I loved it so so much and I'm so happy they got the well-deserved extension! I'm definitely going again sometime soon 😊😊

[thisnerdsadventures]

research updates!

This post has been difficult to write, so I've been putting it off for a while, not gonna lie. The reason I put it off is because I'm not quite sure how yet to reflect on my MEng experience so far. I didn't have a great experience last semester because of social isolation, neverending confusion, lack of guidance, imposter syndrome, zoom fatigue, etc., so I was really hoping IAP would be better so that I didn't just write a really depressing half-assed post about "how my MEng is going/not going" here.

Well, IAP did go better! I finally figured out a path forward and have been able to make progress on my project on my own. This has led to a generally improved sense of purpose in life, which was VERY missing last semester. I think what was missing was my usual shenanigans that I randomly find myself in with my friends, whether it's hackathons or spontaneous trips or literally forming startups. But in my own way, I've done a couple things of interest in the past few months in addition to my research, just to keep this blog fun haha, no other reason

My Actual Research

So last semester was rough because I was ramping up to a somewhat new project, a new direct supervisor, and a new degree program/way of life..... all remotely. I thought it would be fine, and yet it wasn't? I talked to some of my friends who started a full time job, and nearly all of them agreed, that ramping up to a new job in zoom land was extremely difficult. One of them said they hadn't even finished ramping up yet (T.T) I reflected a lot on why it was hard, and I determined it was because I only had one or two hours of scheduled face to face with my direct supervisor per week, and little to no other guidance outside of that. I was trying to learn as much as I could about existing research, which was not only in compilers (which, to be honest, I didn't know a lot about), but also in computer architecture (which I also did not know much about at all) and trying to understand things from discussions where I barely had a foundational knowledge to begin with. I struggled to even find the questions to ask that would help me out.

At this point, my supervisor was also really busy with his own deadlines, and I don't think he had much management experience of his own, so it was also probably hard for him. If we were in person, he'd be able to sense the confusion in my face and I'd be able to pop by his office whenever I needed, even if that was every day. But zoom calls are laggy and poor resolution and emails asking for help are often left unread. For the first two months of my MEng, it was mostly like this, just kind of feeling I was bumbling along, not really sure what I should be doing.

Wow, my imposter syndrome was off the charts. I began to panic about whether I��d be able to finish my degree on time, even though I was like literally like. two (2) months into this endeavor. At some point in November (I think literally right around the election), I felt really, really worthless, as a researcher, as a contributing member of society, and I felt really, really lonely and constantly anxious because I didn’t have like //my job// to ground me to reality. The Thursday after this, I sat on the Esplanade with my friend, our feet hanging over the water and we watched the sun go down. As we talked, I felt myself grounded again, and my overthinking brain calmed down for the time being.

When I went home, I decided I was going to find outside things to occupy me if my research was going to. I signed up to be a tech lead for my school’s Google Developer’s Student Club (yes, I really cannot leave Google), and I signed up to interview for MIT. I decided to #manage #up and make things better re:research by asserting my confusion??? if that makes sense lol

By Thanksgiving, I was home in California, and I felt like I had a way better plan moving forward for my research and was busy planning a few things here and there for my various obligations. I was also taking microeconomics for fun, which was actually.... really fun (as it turns out).

IAP

This IAP was pretty much just an extension of the semester, I mean like I guess that is just how MEng goes lol, but I actually did a good amount of /stuff/ this IAP. I would usually work on my research for the morning and some of the afternoon, and in the afternoon I would bake or go on walks with my mom and workout, and in the evenings, I would work on my other obligations, or read, or other random side projects. Such side projects include: investing in penny stocks, writing music, creating tiktoks

I have very little to report on IAP, i really haven’t done much anything noteworthy in the past couple months tbh lol. My research has been going a lot better, I have more of an idea of how I can troubleshoot/explore different avenues on my own, and I can get a lot done before asking for help. The 8am meetings are killing me though. I have one tomorrow and I will complain about it surely. Not sure if anything is going to change for the upcoming semester, though I decided to just become a straight up econ major for my last semester for no apparent reason, so that’ll be fun1!11!! (i registered for three econ classes lol) MIT told us they were vaccinating us when the time comes, so that’s good too !!! 

[psycho-slytherin]

Strangers ch. 33

You and Yoongi make a choice about your relationship.

Pairing: Yoongi x (female) Reader

Word count:

Genre: fluff, angst

|mlist|

<–– Prev   Next ––>

“No.”

“Mr. Min, it’s the only way–”

“No. I won’t do that to y/n. The fans would kill her.”

Blood roars in your ears, and your knees turn weak, the ache in your left leg feeling far more prominent with the memory of last night.

“I need to sit down,” you say faintly, and Yoongi turns to you, alarmed.

“Are you going to pass out again? Do you need water?” He returns his gaze to Bang PD and Avery. “Y/n shouldn’t even be here after she collapsed yesterday!”

You lower yourself into your chair, grateful for the weight off your injured leg. “Don’t worry about me, Yoongs. I’m not going to faint. I just...”

“If you were... dating.”

“My fans would kill her.”

“Y/n, honey...” Avery approaches you, her eyes full of empathy and... something else. “I know I’m not your manager, but I think it would be in your best interest to go with this idea. If you and Mr. Min pretend to date, it would explain why you were together yesterday, and it would boost Moon Over the Sea’s publicity.” She sits down in Yoongi’s chair and rests her hand on your leg. The proximity of her touch to your injury forces you to swallow a whimper of pain. “It would be temporary– you could ‘break up’ whenever you needed to, as long as the show’s promotions were over.”

“Surely you know of BTS’s fame,” Bang PD adds. “To be seen with Yoongi would do wonders for your public image. Millions of people would give anything to be in your place.”

“Stop trying to convince her!” Yoongi says, his eyes narrowing into a glare. “We’re just friends.”

“Of course you are– I know you’d never actually date y/n. But everyone loves onscreen/offscreen couples. And think about it, Yoongi.” Bang PD’s voice lowers, and you barely catch his words. “If you don’t do this, everyone goes down. You. Me. Y/n. The other members. Yoongi, it’s your only option. Besides...” Bang PD leans in and whispers something. Yoongi goes very pale at the executive’s words, shooting a glance at you before sighing.

“Ugh. Well– let me talk to her alone,” he asks his producer, his tone gentler, softer now.

“Take as much time as you need to come to the right decision. Miss Lee?” Bang PD leads Avery outside to an adjoining office in the BigHit Entertainment building.

As soon as they’re gone, you let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. “We fucked up.”

“Did we?”

You stare at your friend in disbelief. “Gee, Sherlock, you tell me– we got fucking photographed at our spot, and now your boss and our director and my best friend and everyone else on the fucking planet knows that we know each other out of work, and a thousand percent of them think we’re dating, and now we’re being told that guess what? We have to pretend to date to keep my job, and yours, and the jobs of the other members!”

Your breath is getting shorter, your leg hurts, and you feel cold, so cold. “I fucked up. I fucked up. Yoongi, it’s my fault, I ruined it, I ruined you, I fucked up–”

“Hey. Hey! Y/n, shh...” Yoongi pulls his chair closer to yours and wraps an arm around you. “Deep breaths. You’re okay. You’re strong. And personally? I don’t think we fucked up.”

“How can you possibly think that?”

Yoongi shrugs. “I hated lying. Now I can meet your friends, and introduce you to other idols. Now I can talk about you during interviews– it’s so hard not bringing up some dumb thing we’ve done during our Truth or Dare or Drink games. We don’t have to pretend anymore.”

“Dingus, did you forget the fake-dating part?”

Yoongi presses his lips together. “Right, that...”

“Whatever. I don’t really need this job– I can go back to working in the cafe. I’ll delete my Twitter and change my hair.” If you drop off the face of the Earth, ARMYs will forget about you, and Yoongi and the other members of BTS will bounce back from That Photo quickly. It’s best for them that everything returns to normal as soon as possible.

Yoongi freezes before leaning back and folding his arms with a sigh. “Fine. If you don’t want to be an actress, leave. If this role isn’t worth fighting for, leave. If our friendship isn’t strong enough to get through this, leave. If you think the best way to fix this is to give up, leave– because that’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?”

“W-what?”

“Come on, y/n. I know you like I know my own mind. You think if you make some heroic sacrifice, it’ll be worth it because I’ll keep my reputation, right? You don’t want to go through with dating, because you know I’ll lose fans.”

“It was my fault,” you mutter, abashed. “The photo. I heard footsteps, but... I just wanted to see you.”

“And I wanted to see you, y/n. I was so scared last night, I thought that you were– well, whatever. But what’s done is done, and we should make the best of it.” Yoongi shrugs. “I’m okay with the fake-dating, if you are– you’re the better liar anyways.”

Did he speak, or merely stab you in the chest? For a second, you can’t rightly tell.

“Lisa would be so angry,” you croak, panicking. “If she thinks I’ve lied to her again, she might hate me for real.”

“Lisa’s your friend, she’d understand.”

“And the fans?”

Yoongi hesitates, biting his lip. “It’ll be fine.”

“You said they’d kill me.” They’ve already tried.

“They can’t really touch you, and they’ll love you soon enough.” Yoongi flashes you a small smile, but you only shiver, the memory of the redhead’s hands on your chest feeling real, far too real.

Yoongi notices. “Are you cold? Where’s...” his eyes darken. “Y/n, where’s your coat?”

In the river.

With my phone.

And my blood.

And nearly the rest of me, too.

“I left it at home.”

Yoongi stares at you silently, his eyes posing questions you can’t answer. You’re about to say something else, explain why you haven’t responded to any of the texts he’s surely sent you, but there’s a knock at the door and Bang Si-Hyuk and Avery reappear. You automatically shift away from Yoongi– the authority figures can’t think you actually like him.

“So?” Bang PD asks. “Have you come to a decision?”

“Up to you,” Yoongi murmurs quietly, and you blink hard.

Your ARMY self is screaming, dying, rolling on the floor and thanking every deity you can think of. Dating Min Yoongi– even as a lie– is all your dreams come true.

Some other part of you, barely a whisper in your mind, is saying not like this.

You don’t want to force Yoongi’s hand. But you’re scared, so scared of the consequences of agreeing. Still, if it’s the only way... and Yoongi’s right; his friendship is worth it.

You swallow, the singular action taking with it your doubts, fears, and a little bit of you.

“Yes. We’ll do it.”

~~~

You stare into Yoongi’s eyes. “I have to say, my life was much easier before you came along.”

Yoongi smiles mischievously. “But much less fun, I hope.”

“Cut! Nice going, guys– I think that’s our take!” Avery claps twice and you rise carefully from the beautiful period set. At Avery’s words, the room is once more filmed with the hustle and bustle of film.

“Okay, next we’re going to finish the countryside scenes– Yoongi, y/n, you’re done for the day. Good work. And,” Avery lowers her voice to a whisper, “make sure to leave together.”

You smile weakly and nod at your director. What else can you do? It’s been several weeks since your near-drowning, and since you and Yoongi began ‘dating’.

“Tell me this,” you grumble, catching up to Yoongi on his way out the door. “How are we supposed to leave together if we go in opposite directions?”

Your friend laughs, shrugs. “Beats me. On the bright side, the show is getting a lot more publicity.”

“That’s ‘cause of you, not us,” you reply, punching him in the arm.

“Y/n, haven’t you learned anything?” Yoongi asks, exasperated. “You are special, and people really like you.”

Not everyone. In the several weeks since your near-drowning, you got a new phone and, well... everything is back to normal.

@bangtan-news: Is love in the air? BTS’ #Suga spotted on a romantic evening walk with #MoonOverTheSea costar @yourname! @captainkookie21: @bangtan-news they’re faking they have to be @BTS_twt pls deny these awful rumors @jkthighs: @captainkookie21 are u still leading the anti @yourname movement lol I support u (^w^) @largebaguette: ugh why does @yourname have so many haters?? Just let BTS date who they want to they’re grown ass men

@queenyn: I love #YoongiAndYn honestly the best ship uwu I’m so happy they’re dating @jiminhasjams: rt if you’d pay money to slap @yourname for stealing yoongi

@captainkookie21: I think we should boycott @yourname until they agree to recast yoongi’s LI in #MoonOverTheSea tbh. #boycottyn let’s make it happen! Fighting!

You sigh, shaking your head to rid your mind of the daily flood of hatred. Ever since first being seen together with Yoongi in public, your social media mentions have increased a hundredfold.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Yoongi asks, seeming to pick up on your mood.

“Oh, nothing." You say quickly. “The dating thing is just weird, you know?”

Yoongi shrugs. “It’s not like we have to kiss, or even hold hands. It’s the same as always, except, you know...” he gestures at the sun shining brightly overhead. “We get to see that.”

“That’s true. Hey,” you check your watch. “I have some time before my next job... do you want to get coffee at my place? I’d suggest a cafe, but I don’t want you to get swarmed.”

“Sounds good. I’ll have my driver take me there separately. If your address is still secret, you should keep it that way.”

Twenty minutes later, you’re brewing coffee in your thankfully upgraded coffeemaker. Yoongi sits at your small table, munching thoughtfully on a muffin.

“So how’s life?” he asks, and you snort.

“We’ve seen each other almost every day, Yoongs. Do you really need to ask?”

“I guess I’m just used to not knowing much about you,” he says, accepting your offered mug of coffee.

“Look who’s talking, Agust.”

“Oh god,” Yoongi groans, snickering. “I can’t believe I gave you that name.”

“I can’t believe you said you were an accountant.”

“Hey, I’d make a great accountant,” Yoongi replies.

You roll your eyes. “Your hair was blue and you’re twenty-something. Even if I didn’t know BTS, I’d think you were lying.”

A light breeze hits your back and your heart stops. Cold. Your breath quickens and your teeth begin chattering.

“Y-Y-Yoongi, could you c-close the w-window?” You thought it was closed, you haven’t opened it since that night, since you felt the cold so deep in your bones it felt like you might shatter into pieces.

“It’s... it’s not open,” Yoongi says, cocking his head. “Are you okay?”

“Mhm. Just gotta grab a jacket.” You’re already wearing a sweater and a shirt underneath, but it’s not enough. You pad to your hall closet and grab your new coat.

“When’s your next job?” Yoongi calls, still sitting at the coffee table.

“At five. What time is it now?” You ask, pulling your arms through the sleeves. Your phone is on the table, so you can’t check yourself.

“Just past four–” Yoongi’s voice cuts off and an eerie silence fills your apartment.

“Yoongi? What’s wrong?” You reappear in the kitchen only to see Yoongi looking paler than you’ve ever seen him, staring openmouthed at his phone.

No... not his phone. Your phone. And your notifications.

“Y/n, what...” Yoongi’s voice cracks. “When were you going to tell me?”

[habibialkaysani]

okay so. a lot has been going on lately and I haven't had much time to be on here or time in general. now that the week is over tho things are starting to die down hopefully. and like I do with work emails I'm gonna just write a list, of all the things that have been going on, because I feel like my brain is about to explode otherwise.

lots of rambling, potentially triggering stuff under the cut:

1) pain. so much pain. I thought I'd moved past this endo thing, or at least that the pain was contained because of the meds the gyno gave me plus the progesterone that was definitely easing the pain for a bit during the month. but the ones my gyno gave me, they can only be taken during my period and mine isn't starting. so I've been in agony, like in so much pain, and the only relief has been a hot water bottle and codeine. and I don't want to take more days off when I've already taken sick days this year - which is not like me, at all. but potentially that might not be an issue for a while if I end up having to work from home. and in terms of addressing the root cause of the problem, that's unlikely, because the mri I had of my pelvis came back normal. no indications of endometriosis which I expected because this shit doesn't show on ultrasounds or mris. I do think there might be a chance it shows on a transvaginal ultrasound but they outright refuse to do that which really fucking pisses me off bc it's on the basis of me never being laid before which as I've mentioned is ridiculous.

2) speaking of. this motherfucking coronavirus is doing my head in. seriously i had to order hand sanitiser for the office and it still hasn't arrived. I did manage to get a few masks but god those were expensive. and just generally it's all anyone will talk about at work which is driving me nuts. and what makes it worse is that I'm going out of my mind thinking about speedy and if she gets it, because she's got a heart condition and her immune system isn't very strong even for regular flu. this shit will hit her hard and I'm terrified of that esp after hearing boris fucking johnson saying in his speech that people are going to lose loved ones. I don't know what I'll do if I lose her. actually I have an idea and it would not be good. I spoke to my brother who is a healthcare professional and he said that it's best to get in touch with the cardiology team that look after speedy to see if we can do anything preventative or get her tested.

3) in better news, my brother just announced to our family that he's getting married. already its causing arguments and his fiancee comes from a more well off family (the bar is low tho admittedly) so we're all gonna be scrambling to get our tiny house somewhat in shape for when my bro's future in laws visit in a couple weeks. but it's still good news I think because my bro is smitten and that's just nice to see. his fiancee makes him happy and that's something I'm really glad he found. they want a small wedding too so hopefully we'll have like 200 guests max, which would be sacrilege in any desi household lol.

4) I've been looking for a new job for a while now. things at work have been tough, ever since my old manager gave in her notice. I don't mind my current manager all that much, but she's in hr, and she's clearly never managed anyone before because she is nowhere near as good a support system as my old manager. I could go to my old manager and complain about something and she'd listen, and she actively made an effort to monitor my workload. this new one, she just doesn't put the same effort in and she also just doesn't understand the role I'm in either. she seems to think the job I do is easy and straightforward when it is neither, on the basis that she thinks admin is something anyone could do, and she does nothing to try and ease things when my workload gets heavy. plus my managers manager who is also in hr is just really not nice. she enjoys a power trip way too much. that and the fat cats that are our clients - well suffice it to say I think my time here is up. so I've been looking and I found a nonprofit that was hiring. I did my first interview with them and it went surprisingly well. and now I've got my second one next friday. I really hope that goes well too and that I get the job, just so I can see the look on my managers managers face when I give in my notice 😂 and this new job if I get it would be five fewer hours and I think that could do wonders for my wellbeing. and my sanity.

5) writing. I've done none of it. it's a problem. I don't know what to do to make my mojo come back because I write the best when I'm alone, and I'm never on my own nowadays unless I'm in bed in pain, in which case writing is the last thing I feel like doing. but I also really want to write. so badly. I feel like I'm emotionally more stable when I'm writing. I'm happier. and I just do not have that right now which is not fun.

6) reading - now this is something I have done. my dear friend reen recommended a series of books called reluctant royals, by alyssa cole, and omg. they are so good. I powered through three big novels and two novellas. like I devoured them. and I'm being reminded of how much I love books. good ones. they made me laugh a lot and I'm really glad my friend recommended them.

7) speaking of devouring. a few weeks ago I found on several occasions that people were offering their seats to me on public transport, presumably because they thought I was pregnant. it was this combined with my doctor admitting my bmi wasn't normal (tho only when I asked if this might be causing the pain) that made me realise that I needed to lose weight drastically, and to eat better and walk more. so I've been eating more veggies and salad. trying to put more greens on my plate. not have fast food as often. in all honesty I'm not sure how much of a difference its actually made, but I do know that I feel a little better having done so over the last few weeks. my brother also said I looked like I had lost weight. I've also noticed it a little in my tummy going in a bit too. but I also know that this is a rabbit hole I don't want to go down too far. I worry I might have already with the weighing which I've been doing far too often now that there's scales at work (for weighing big packages). I don't want this to spiral out of control. but I think I've done okay so far, minus the weighing thing - I've always eaten when I've felt hungry so it's not like I'm starving myself. and so far I've only lost about 3kg. which I feel is significant but also nowhere near enough when it comes to the nhs bmi calculator.

8) my little brother has been acting up for months now, and tbh it's starting to give me anxiety. my mother found weed in his room and he's just been rebelling in what I see as normal teenage ways like smoking and staying out late, but it's also affecting his school and I'm worried he won't leave with decent a levels bc he already failed once. and his school keeps emailing my dad about him supposedly being absent, and my dad's response to this for about two months now has been to post a screenshot of each email into the family group chat and demand where my bro has been. it doesn't help. and I don't need to be notified every time he skips school or whatever like that is not my fucking problem to have to see when I'm at work and have enough stresses as it is. my dad is an idiot and honestly some days I would dearly love to punch the man in the face.

9) I start my group therapy in a couple weeks. it’s for generalised anxiety and I am really, really hoping it will help me because the other group therapy I’ve done previously, like a couple months back, has proven to be really helpful. here’s hoping.

10) if anyone is still reading this far - I realise this sounds a lot like I'm feeling sorry for myself. maybe I am to some degree. but my life is just a lot right now and I'm genuinely a bit shocked I'm still in one piece and that I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet. everything is a lot and I feel like I'm going through a lot of change. that's hard. but I'm trying my best to get through this and I hope somehow I can. I actually left tumblr for a bit because for various reasons I didn’t feel as safe talking about my problems on here, through no fault but my own really. I’m hoping I’ve moved past that now.

[davidmann95]

This week’s comics?

TOO

MANY

COMICS THIS WEEK

*Deep breath*

Batman/Superman #1: The surprise of the week for me! I was getting this almost grudgingly in the hope Williamson would transcend what I’ve seen as his limitations as a C+ writer inexplicably granted a position far beyond what his work’s merited, given how much I love the characters and because Marquez is AAA+. As it turns out, he did! Nothing spectacular, but this was a really solidly entertaining little start to an adventure, with a vibe as though Loeb’s own Superman/Batman was rocketed into the future and made to interact with Snyder’s current DCU superstructure. As that descriptor might imply your mileage may vary, but I quite dug it.

Justice League #30: Great stuff, the kick-off to I assume the final arc before an event book to close this epic out, but when do the Justice Legion show up that is all I care about in the entire world

Superman #14: I enjoyed it, but I’m definitely more than ready to see what’s next.

Action Comics #1014: An unprecedented Bendis super-two-for-one week! While Superman’s largely been my favorite of the two, today this came out on top.

Justice League Dark #14: This continues to just manage to hold my attention with some delightful flourishes, even though this sort of thing isn’t usually my cup of tea.

Martian Manhunter #8: Something of a return to form - I’d been getting somewhat disappointed with this book (though I’m sure it’ll read better in trade), but this grabbed me again.

Dial H For Hero #6: Good goddamn, just about any other week and this would have taken home the gold. Easily one of DC’s best, and leaving me considering going back through Humphries’ whole career given the possibility that while I’ve discounted him in the past I, in an extremely rare but I suppose not entirely unprecedented case, may have been wrong.

Ice Cream Man #14: I suppose you could call this something of a return to basics here, which is the opposite of a problem because the basics here are horrifying and spectacular.

Marvel Team-Up #5: Losing me quick, though I guess there’s only one issue left.

Captain America #13: This one’s tough to unpack. In terms of keeping my attention and keeping things moving this felt better than the last several issues, and I get what it’s going for, but its characterization of Cap...like I said, I get what it’s going for in reinforcing him as the stiff and trying to break him out of that. I’m the guy who considers MCU Cap one of the only times ever where I distinctly prefer the adaptation to the original, specifically because he feels so much looser and warmer. But there’s stiff in the way he’s traditionally been, and the way this issue portrays him, and I’m not sure I can bridge that gap with how he’s been portrayed over the years. In isolation though, still liked this one.

Absolute Carnage #2: Keeps up the pace! I remain shocked by how much I’m liking this one.

Venom #17: An extension of the above, and again, I like it.

Absolute Carnage: Miles Morales #1: Surprisingly disposable, tbh.

Spider-Man: Life Story #6: ...is one I’ll discuss when going into the series as a whole sometime soon. But yes, it really is that good, and the best of the week in a walk.

Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #11: A perfectly enjoyable one-off - good to know that while Amazing’s passing me by, Pete’s in good hands even as Zdarsky moves on.

Avengers #23: Man, this book has gotten so much better since that wet thud of a first arc. Not up to snuff against its cousin in Snyder and company’s Justice League, but cut from a similar cloth and if you’re enjoying that absolutely give this run a whirl.

House of X #3: We’re definitely in the part where I think it’s gonna lose a lot of the new converts as the Earth-shaking reveals die down for now while remaining a resolutely Full Hickman take on the X-Men, and I for one am content to wave them goodbye as I ride this glorious train into the sunset.

Thor #16: A delightful ‘end’ - the true upcoming finale in King Thor notwithstanding - to one of the great runs of this decade. All-Father willing whoever follows up on this one plays with the toys Aaron and Del Mundo leave behind here.

Marvel Comics #1000: The big’un. And better, for that matter, than Action or Detective #1000. Not perfect by any means; there’s still a small handful of stinkers here (though the relative hit-to-miss ratio for this sort of project is unbelievably good here, hence the previous comparison), plus the much-publicized issues regarding the altered Captain America essay and the horribly skewed gender representation, PLUS that...THAT character of all characters gets a (second!) page for 2013 rather than Ms. Marvel. But for what this is, that it comes together as coherently as enjoyably as it does is honestly little short of a miracle. The advertised Ewing spine of the thing is of course great, and such a Ewing as HELL take on the concept on every level; that plenty of these don’t even nominally tie into it doesn’t bother me, since that throughline is exploring the background of a world the rest of this puts on display.

To set the record straight (going by years rather than characters/creative teams, since I feel like remaining spoiler-adverse here and it saves space): for me the actively bad ones are 1966,* 1995,** 1996, and 1999, and the notably good ones not by Ewing are 1943, 1944,*** 1949, 1952, 1959, 1961, 1962, 1965, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1973, 1977, 1979, 1982, 1984, 1992, 1993, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2007, 2008, 2011, 2012, 2014,**** 2015, 2016, and 2018.

So that’s about 5% bad, and counting Ewing’s contributions (aside from his oddly lackluster single page that isn’t part of his larger story), over half I’d call especially good! And pretty much all the rest of it ranges from decent to quite good, so again, by the standard of these sorts of anniversary anthologies this is basically a minor miracle. Very much looking forward to Ewing continuing his story next month and presumably the incoming 2020 event (a Ewing event comic! So rad!), and also hoping #1001 will correct the grievous Fantastic Four deficiency here.

(Minor SPOILERS for the final notes below)

* This, uh, felt like some real grouchy old man respectability politics business. Would have thought twice before, but given Priest’s recent Vampirella interview, I’m feeling a little more willing to jump straight to ‘this was bad.’

** Oh, Hickman. My boy. How could you? Even given you visibly didn’t give a shit, that was really all you had in the tank? And for the year I was born, no less! Johnny, you wound me.

*** Yeah, I know, believe me I know. But it’s still a good Cap speech - even at this late, largely lamentable stage of Waid’s career, he can crank those out in his sleep.

**** For what it is, i.e. a couple scenes from Apocrypha slapped together and redrawn with a couple DC names swapped out for Marvel names. Shamelessly, admirably lazy on Gaiman’s part.

[mgkconfessions]

Your honest opinion what do you think about this relationship? Tbh I think it’s just very superficial in my eyes and I’m very shocked to see Colson change all of sudden and have his business all out there on social media, its almost as if he wants to show off and be like other celebrities who seek attention 🤔 idk what it is but they won’t last long.

We are definitely on the same page here. I don’t know how to start and end because I have so much to say about this like a whole analysis in my head of everything, but I try to keep it as short and informative as possible. So sorry in advance ^^

First of all social media doesn’t reflect the reality at all. Especially not when it comes to relationships. She can call him baby and comment heart emojis as much as she wants, but I will never believe that their relationship is anywhere close to a deep and strong bond how she (or they) want(s) to portray it. Here are my 3 main reasons why I don’t buy it:

(Disclaimer: Just my opinion, I don’t know them)

1. This relationship involves everything that he hates: Capitalization on a relationship and calling the paparazzi.

Only last year he said in an interview that he never publicized any of his relationships and then went on with “maybe I just should have, because I see everyone publicize relationships and just go [points fingers up like skyrocketing] but it just seems so weird to me... so I don’t know”. Then he reveals he dated this one singer and they were papped at super random unknown places, so he felt like asking if she’s one of those people who call the paparazzi on themselves. He just seemed very irritated and annoyed by it. Again this was only last year! This year he released Hotel Diablo and says on Death in My Pocket “I lose a piece of my soul when the camera flashes”. It’s in his interviews, it’s in his music, heck it’s probably in his DNA, he doesn’t like to publicize his relationships, because he thinks it’s weird to use it as an advantage for your career and I respect him so much for that!

And now to him and Schantelle (Sorry, I don’t want her to find this post when she searches her name on Tumblr). He has never been papped more often in such a short time before in his entire career than with her at the MOST RANDOM PLACES like picking up clothes from a store (never saw him papped in that situation before) and walking towards his car. Paparazzi know which places are popular among celebrities, but you can also call them to “catch” you somewhere. There’s specifically one paparazzo who seems to get all these Insta famous people that no one outside of Instagram cares about, which you can tell by comments under other websites asking who that is and why they are relevant. Schantelle is of course one of them. I obviously don’t know it for sure, but I can imagine her calling the paparazzi and honestly in those pictures she seems a lot happier and relaxed than Kells, who absolutely hates it. Even Slim commented under a picture that the reason why Kells looked so annoyed was allegedly the paparazzi. The problem is that she needs media attention and people talking about her to stay relevant, because let’s be honest, her music alone is not popular and good enough to do it on its own. It’s very generic and I don’t want to go into too much detail because of length, but she has a history of staying relevant by attaching herself on famous men and getting papped. She social climbs like no other ^^!

Also notice how at the moment she isn’t papped by that one paparazzo at all, whilst Kells is on Tour? Maybe it isn’t worth it then, I don’t know, or maybe she knows how to get the attention otherwise, which brings me to my next reason.

2. IDGAF I’d date myself: Trouble in paradise?

There was an incident where he posted on Insta, that he’d date himself and a picture with “take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night” showing a middle finger. Schantelle posted around the same time a screenshot indicating that she cried. Kells doesn’t strike me as a person who likes to subtweet, so I assume they did have at least one argument so far. Looking at her Twitter history, it doesn’t seem that rosy either all the time.

I don’t know if you noticed, but this is kinda their dynamic on social media platforms and I’m aware of how silly the following sounds, but you can watch every dating advice video and everyone will tell you the same. He likes and comments a lot more on her page than she ever did on his, which makes him always look like he’s so much more into her than she’s into him and maybe that’s also why he keeps coming back to her (at least online), because she gives him attention only enough to keep him wanting for more, but not too much, so he won’t get bored of her because she’s always available.

Might explain why the moment he publicly ignores her, because he likes an independent woman who doesn’t always need him and he’s kinda busy dealing with his own stuff, she posts sad tweets/ likes sad tweets/ films her feet/ posts “sexy” pics, Kells comes running back with tongue emoji and likes until he doesn’t publicly pay her attention again and the cycle continues. At this point it’s predictable and this back and forth is getting boring, because it’s the same thing again and again and again. Before anyone wants to attack me that none of her posts have to do anything with Kells, sure they don’t have to, but she’s been long enough in this game that she knows that this is exactly how you send subliminal messages and be shady so that other people will notice it and show interest.

Thank God social media doesn’t reflect the truth tho. Therefore she can call him “king” and post “i love you bb” and comment heart emojis as much as she wants, but this isn’t his thing and I highly doubt he likes it, because...

3. ily bb, my baby machinegunkelly: The failed publication of their relationship

When I look at how he used social media when he was dating someone in the past he always kept it very low-key. Sure he liked photos and might upload a picture too, but it was never a huge love declaration, if it even focused on the girl at all. And now comes Schantelle.

She tried to publicize their relationship first by using a PAPARAZZI picture of them in his car with him showing his middle fingers and smiling. He didn’t react at first, she looked stupid, then he reposted it only to delete it immediately, what made her look even more stupid and then finally decided to repost it for good without adding anything HOURS later. No comment, no emoji, no nothing. Seems like he was very unsure how to react and if he really wanted to post it. I don’t know about you, but if I were famous and in a relationship, I would have a conversation at some point if and how we would make our relationship official to the public. I don’t think they had that one, looks more like she just made that decision for him by posting the picture, because why would he have deleted it if their love was already so strong and real and they BOTH wanted to publicize it anyway? Hate and unhappy fans were to be expected, therefore I don’t think that was a reason. If you want to see his middle fingers as a “fuck you all, we’re dating” then it makes even less sense to delete it because of mean comments.

So why is he so open about her?

I just think it’s hard for him to be different (I don’t care how often he claims to not give a fuck, we all do at some point and he’s a sensitive person) and to stick to his different morals, when everyone around him, sometimes even younger ones in the same business, have no problem to normalize the capitalization on relationships and skyrocket their careers whilst not facing any major consequences for it on the surface. I think because Kells isn’t in a great mental state, he says so himself and his career progresses rather slowly and he doesn’t get the recognition he deserves, which can be frustrating at some point, he was like fuck it and maybe wanted to see how it is when you’re more open about it. Like dipping his toes into the water and she’s the perfect girl for that. I mean she literally got famous because she was seen with Justin Bieber, which is a whole other topic on itself.

In conclusion, I think that their relationship is superficial too, regardless of how many heart emojis she posts and pictures he likes. I agree with you that he changed in this regard and seems like he wants to show this relationship off. However I don’t think he’s standing 100% behind it being so public, because of the picture he reposted, deleted and reposted and he never seemed to publicize relationships (see his behaviour when he dated Josie) in the past before. This change doesn’t mean at all “she’s the one”. I believe it has more to do with him and his general situation, his career and mental health than any temporarily presented woman in his life. And of course they won’t last. I don’t know how long and at some point I won’t care anymore, but celebrity couples rarely stay together. Why would they be any different?

[defenselesswriter]

i’m going to do a stream of conscious about my week under a read more 

it’s been a very difficult week emotionally. i’ve been extremely unhappy with my living situation (not at the people in particular? it’s one of those, i need my alone time and my own space and i’m so not getting it at the moment) and that’s taking a huge toll on me. plus it affects my current job a lot.

i’ve had a couple job interviews the last few weeks. haven’t gotten a second interview for either, and that’s been pretty discouraging.

i have like.... $20 to my name rn for a week and that’s super stressful for me. i’m not even exaggerating, i have literally no other funds coming in, no savings to steal from to feel a little more comfortable. that’s it. i’m very fortunate that my bills have been paid and i don’t have to worry about that for a bit. but it’s still a very stressful thing for as i have been very careful with my bank account balance since i was like 19 and over drafted my account a few times and had to ask my mom for money. i hate asking her for money bc she already does a lot for me. 

my parents are really serious about moving and selling our current house, which i think i’ve discussed here. i haven’t lived anywhere but this house since i was 5. that’s almost 20 years... and they’re looking to move out end of january next year. so like in 2 months. and i really really want my own living space, but i uh obvi can’t afford it even with hella budgeting. my current job pays very little. anyway.

i’m still job hunting. fingers crossed something comes my way. but i’m not sure i want to move right away once i get a full time, good paying position. bc daphne. she’s super used to me being home all the time. and when i’m not home i either take her with me or i’m gone for a few hours at most and someone else is home with her like my parents both of whom she loves immensely. so i need her to get used to me not being around 24/7 when i get a job outside of my home. 

then we’re moving houses. that’ll be a big change on her too. all of the houses we have looked at and will look at this weekend have giant backyards which is great bc that’s something she’s used to. 

so i wanna give her some time to adjust to that first before i throw her into a new environment, especially bc it looks like all i’d be able to afford is an apartment. she’s lived in an apartment before with her previous human, but she was a puppy then so that was a while ago. i think she’ll be okay in an apartment. i just don’t want to throw her through the change of me not being home all the time in an unfamiliar place. i wanna take things slowly and at different steps, letting her get used to the idea that i may be gone all day, but i’ll always come back at night and my parents and brother will still be around for her to feel comfortable. 

on the bright side tho, i have been feeling a lot better physically. walking has been easier and manageable. i can usually stay awake all day. i can’t always stay upright all day, but i have been mostly awake during the day with little to no napping. that has been really great tbh. 

tonight, i went to my little brother’s football game at a park that allows dogs, so i brought daphne along and she really enjoyed that. she got to meet a couple other dogs and humans and she did pretty well. halloween, she didn’t do very well with other dogs or humans when i sat with her outside in our front yard to hand out candy. so i put her inside, which she didn’t super like. she whined the whole time and stared at me through the windows. so i was a little surprised she did so well tonight. and now she’s spread out across my bed, sleeping. 

i honestly love her so much. she has brought so much joy and love and light to my life. she is my baby and she has my family’s hearts wrapped around her paw. 

but yeah. 

also another good thing bc i don’t want this to be me just complaining. i have been writing my single dad!stiles fic and y’all... i haven’t felt this way about my writing in a long time, but this story is really coming together and i’m really enjoying writing it. it’s a lot of fun. i’m really proud of how it’s turning out like i look back at what i wrote and think, “this is actually good”

i’ve showed it to a couple of incredible friends who have given me such helpful feedback and i can’t wait to share it with the world. i’m still sticking to i want to finish it before posting it. and finishing it means also doing a couple rounds of editing which i literally never do. not with fanfic. but i want this story to be as good as it can be bc it has a lot of potential for me. plus it’s a fun project. i’m remembering that writing is a fun activity for me and not tedious or boring or just straight up not a good time, bro. so finding my joy in writing again has been really, really good. 

but okay i’m done now. if anyone read through this all, i commend you and i love you. i also love the people who didn’t make it this far, but they don’t get to know that important info (;

[100-yardstare]

I can’t believe I missed ace awareness week. I wanted to blog a little about it, but my computer charger failed on me and it’s taken about a month for me to prepare for the bill to replace it. I feel yucky right now so I just felt like writing about what’s going on in general instead.

I’ve been on so many interviews. I was screwed over on my last big job interview (the one I ranted about last time) partially because I think my old boss that said she be a reference flat out told me she wasn’t going to do it AFTER I submitted her as a reference to the job, so I’m almost 98% sure I was passed over because of that. In addition one of the committee members that interviewed me got mad at me for calling her “ma’m”. She explained she wasn’t from Texas, and I apologized and said something on the lines of it must be a culture shock for her and I didn’t mean to offend. Somehow people think the term is used as an insult now, and that is beyond me. I guess I’m old school lol age is catching up with me and I’m not even realizing it.

So I’ve been on plenty of interviews since then but I keep getting passed over. The last one I had to take a aptitude test, and after receiving feedback from them as to why I was rejected, it’s apparently because I’m a slow calculator/clerical worker. Big whoop because I already know that. I am really feeling the negativity now as an adult looking for work about neurodivergent people trying to find a place in a neurotypical working world. I don’t want to disclose me being ADD to anybody in pre-employment screenings because I don’t want that label to penalize me. But one way or another being ADD does just so anyway.

Because it’s been about 9 months now without work I’ve been seeing my savings decline heavily. My medication bills are at least 155 a month, and on top of that I’m still paying off a stupid hospital bill from 3 years ago that was roughly 2,000 dollars for swallowing barium and a doctor looking at an X-Ray. So that comes to immediately at minimum 200+ dollars a month just on that. Add in the other stuff and I’m fucked without an income. I’ve applied to so many retail jobs too, but nobody gets back to me either.

I don’t go out much anymore because I can’t afford to charge for dinners, so I eat whatever my mom cooks. If she is too sick from her RA, then I try and cook, but because we don’t go to the store as often anymore to save on bills (my parents are having a hard time too) I have resorted to eating canned beans, soups, and others of likeness that don’t go bad. My father is also emotionally abusive to both me and my mom, and it’s gotten worse ever since he started having problems with his job. I can’t leave because I don’t have the money to live on my own. My hobbies have heavily declined. I used to make at least two big cosplay’s a year, and go to conventions, but I can’t do that because, OH NO, I don’t have enough money, and I can’t get a job. I cry all the time because I am so bored. I go out of the house only to volunteer once a week because gas money is tight, and to take my mom on errands. I dream constantly of going on trips. I feel trapped in this house I might as well be a ghost. I stare at my phone all day in hopes of either getting a response from an employer or validation from my social media, it’s pathetic. Imagine being so bored and trapped in your house AND being ADD. It’s like my mind is constantly going places and running around, and I just get emotionally exhausted because I have to tell myself, “no, I can’t afford to go eat at that place, I can’t afford to go on a roadtrip, I can’t buy the material to do my hobby”.

Here is what I learned from all this, which I’m sure a lot of you have already learned, or will learn. Getting a degree doesn’t do you shit. The world hates you and doesn’t care about you, yet values you only on how productive you are and how much money you can make. I see my friends trapped in this mindset right now, but what am I supposed to do? Tell them to give up on their dreams? My cousin is going to grad school for her SECOND Master’s because her other one isn’t getting her good jobs. She even has a full time job on top of it, but her car broke down, and with a full-time paying job she CAN’T AFFORD TO FIX IT. My friend is going to college to get a degree in computer engineering of the sorts, but she’s already 40,000+ dollars in loans. Tbh I’m so glad my brother dropped college. He was trying to complete a degree he didn’t even like, loathed as a matter of fact to the point of attempting suicide. My dad always told him trade school was bullshit, which is A LIE, so I’m sure he felt like he didn’t have any other options when he started. The trades are an awesome career path, and I have a deep respect for anyone who can become a welder, plumber, or whatever. Whatever he ends up doing I’ll be proud of him regardless. I’ve learned that there are other ways to make something for yourself. The traditional route of college doesn’t bring the American Dream, only our persistence and spirit does.

If you’ve gotten this far reading this, this is NOT to say drop out of school. But plan ahead. Don’t jump into college right after HS just because it’s expected of you. Don’t do a degree that you think is good just because it will make you money. One thing college did for me was teach me about myself. I have a massive learning disability, and I graduated. I worked hard for YEARS, thinking I’d never graduate because I had such a hard time keeping my grades up, managing my health, and all the sorts. But I did it! I graduated. The world has told me that doesn’t matter. The world is going to tell YOU that nothing you do matters or is of worth. But it is. You matter. You are NOT a burden.

I will say that all that has happened to me makes me a fierce advocate for those with disabilities and mental illness. My last job working at an ABA clinic showed me that babies (yes, literally BABIES) that don’t act neurotypical will be punished for it. I’ve seen in the work world that if you don’t act neurotypical, you are punished for it. Where I currently volunteer now there is a huge respect for disabled individuals. I see a lot of kids with cerebral palsy, autism, ADHD/ADD, and even physical disabilities. This one boy with CP couldn’t even walk before, let alone stand up, and now thanks to Equine Assisted Therapy, he can sit up and walk with assistance. He did that! That was his accomplishment and I am so proud of him. And yet a lot of people in the world will look at him with just another kid with disabilities that will probably not amount to much. See where I’m getting at? I’m so protective of these people because I am like them. One way or another, we have to stand up for eachother. My story with ADD may not be the same as a particular person with autism, CP, or mental illnesses, but we have to look out for each other. Going through all this has made me a stronger person and I will defend us with everything I’ve got.

FYI if any of you reading this wants to donate to a good organization this year for the holiday’s I’d HIGHLY recommend SIRE Therapeutic Horsemanship in TX. Great wonderful group of people and animals.

Yes, I’m in a horrible place right now. But I’ve learned. I sincerely hope things will change for me soon so I can better take care of myself and my mom, but of course I’m human and I’m going to suffer anyway in the moment. I hope 2020 is going to be better for me because this year was terrible. I crave financial independence, the ability to travel and see and experience new things, and be in a better spot professionally, and personally to do the things I want to do. Graduate school isn’t even an option right now because I can’t afford it, and as of now, I don’t care to go to graduate school. Maybe someday, years from now, but at this rate I’m so sick and tired of expectations from society I just say fuck it. I’ll get there at my own pace. And I’ll be successful without the worlds opinion on what makes me successful.