#i didn't have motivation to draw recently so i used this thing instead

[something-in-your-walls]

Small gift for @themelvorganization I really liked their comic, so I decided to make this in picrew. The link to the picrew is https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/1349935/complete?cd=Zgsw711EpD if anyone wants to try it out! All the Melvins are from their comic EXCEPT for SK Melvin. He's from my au.

[mufos-photo-album]

I recently got a spur of inspiration to try rendering my characters in a background instead of some colored void, however this inspiration came to me during a wave of depression, so my motivation to do this is kinda theoretical (worsened by the fact I returned to uni recently).

While my head was stuck in the clouds, one of the things I wanted to draw is Mufo sitting in her home base -- her "Nest" of sorts. The thing is, I imagine Mufo lives in the Vault of Knowledge, along with many others (99% being Spirits). Her home base isn't very large and its pretty easy for me to just design it in 3D without much regard to the rest of the Vault... but that didn't feel right to me. For my own lore reasons, I made my own map of the Vault (primarily the ground/lower floors since thats where I imagine Mufo and the spirits primarily hang out).

Obviously, this map depicts a Vault thats bigger (mainly wider) than it is in-game. One part of this has to do with my idea that the Vault is meant to house the entire Kingdom's knowledge. The size also has to do with an idea introduced in the Season of Remembrance, where the Vault also serves as a shelter for refugees. So, I made the Vault big enough to house a kingdom's worth of knowledge, Mufo, and the community of spirits living inside the Vault (who consist of mages, refugees, and other folk). All of this is working under the idea that the Vault is inside the mountain Eden is on top of (something I saw on Tumblr but can't remember where from).

On the map, you'll see Mufo's hideout is in a little pocket, and those pockets are the equivalent of like, a supply closet. Basically, these areas would be used to stow away tools and spell casting ingredients used by the mages of the Vault. These rooms don't have as much space or height as the main parts of the Vault. As the Vault became refuge to spirits, some of these rooms were cleared out and made into homes/shelters (similar to the Repository of Refuge).

[willyoubemypartner]

Alyssa Cho - An Essay

Preface - Why is Alyssa so unsympathetic?

One of the things that’s odd about Alyssa’s character is that readers have rarely been so divisive over a single character, particularly about whether or not a character is sympathetic. There’s generally a consensus about the complicated nature of characters like Kousuke or even Rand, but Alyssa discourse feels very different.

During the formal arc, Quim has mentioned a few times that many scenes had to be cut due to Webtoon’s concerns about mature/dark content conflicting with adsense policies. Quim has recently mentioned weaving these scenes back in wherever possible, meaning that things were still happening in universe, we just couldn't see them. But now when these themes come up later to be more explored, they have to be introduced in a roundabout way for it to make sense. Instead of us getting what was intended and being able to build off that foundation as we follow the story and naturally understanding the pacing as it goes.

Now how does this tie into Alyssa? Alyssa in particular had important scenes cut from the formal - parallels we lost with Alyssa and Shin-Ae, the understanding and characterization of the Kims and other elites, the reality of her life in the idol world. It turned the formal into more of a ? than it needed to or should have been, and pulled the foundation of understanding Alyssa’s character right out from under us. We went essentially 200 chapters without really getting a look at her. She was introduced (like many ILY characters) in a certain way, but it took so much longer for her to get to show her depth and development beyond that mold. And it makes it so much harder for readers to see her objectively. People don't want to have to flip their entire understanding of and feelings towards Alyssa at chapter 230.

The foundation for Alyssa being more than just the attention seeker has always been there, we just didn't get to see it.

I don't always love Alyssa. But I feel for her. She's a real person as much as every other character. She’s not just "a girl who makes the wrong choices" nor is she just “the bad friend” or just “the trapped victim” - she is all of them . Alyssa may be misguided, but that’s just it - she's misguided because she never learned how to conflict. She tries to make the right choices, and fails. She’s trying her best and it never works out for her. And so she makes mistakes and she hurts people - including herself. And a lot of them are big mistakes, with very real consequences. She can see what’s really happening around her, but thinks that maybe it can work. And so she keeps making those wrong choices, because the core that she needs to change isn't something she feels safe to rectify. She’s miserable, but she can’t get out. She draws herself to the only light she can see, like a moth to a flame.

She’s introduced as this foe, even the mini Yui. And we're supposed to originally see her that way and know that that's now Nol has come to see her. But we are simultaneously supposed to break that down and see that she is also trapped. She idolized Yui and fell so far into the deep end without realizing it and now has to be Yui's puppet. The puppetmaster imagery is both Alyssa taking after Yui and falling for it, AND Yui taking advantage of her and Alyssa having no choice anymore but to play along and be taken advantage of. There’s that inherent dichotomy to how Alyssa acts and who she is and why she is.

Something about Alyssa is that her motives and feelings are almost always far more complex than they appear. Alyssa is so plagued by those parts of herself that she’s afraid of. Alyssa gets so much criticism for making her choices because for us it's so easy to see where she's going wrong. But, if she could really see it, she wouldn't be here. We know how this really ends and what would actually help, but all Alyssa has seen is that the way she handles things is the viable option. The whole point with Alyssa is that nobody helped her navigate these things . She's as much a victim as everyone else, even though she's hurt arguably our two most sympathetic characters.

Everyone thinks that she is an attention seeker. That she's successful and aloof and just drops people. Nobody is taking a second to see her childhood trauma, understand her real motivations, look at how trapped she is, how miserable. Nobody is extending a hand to her because they don't understand. And with nobody understanding her, nobody can give her an actual way forward, because everyone's attempts will be for a problem that isn't the real issue. Like many, if not all, of our characters, in order to understand Alyssa we have to acknowledge that the reason this is happening is because of unmet and unaddressed needs, lack of personal insight, being in survival mode - the person feeling like they had no other choice.

The people Alyssa hurt are our two main characters, and we are supposed to feel a way about that. But so much of the point is about how our emotional reaction to Alyssa isn't all there is. That she’s not any more or less evil just because the people she hurt are the ones we’re emotionally connected to. That she is a person who has her own story, her own motivations, her own mistakes, her own needs, her own fears, her own traumas. Not that it negates all the harm, but just that there is more to it. That we have to be able to examine and sit with our complex feelings towards her.

Unconditional Love & Chasing The Light 

At the core of Alyssa’s character is the desire to be seen and accepted for herself, at odds with the belief that who she is can’t possibly be okay.

We get some important insight into this throughout the Shinlyssa arc, but especially at Alyssa’s house and with the bullies. In Alyssa’s bedroom we see portraits of Hedy Lamaar, Thomas Edison, Nikola Tesla, Albert Einstein, Melba Roy Mouton, Alan Turing, Vera Rubin, and Sally Ride. The portraits were identified and analyzed by Kimione back in 2022 (https://new.reddit.com/r/ILoveYoo/comments/ws18yg/alyssa_cho_symbolisms_notes_and_scribblings/) as well as this recent post (https://www.reddit.com/r/ILoveYoo/comments/15sh4k7/the_portraits_in_alyssas_room_in_episode_190/?sort=confidence).

Recurring themes in the portraits are all of them being involved in groundbreaking science, contributions to communication or space, being both scientific and artistic, experience of inequity and adversity, and nonnormative sexuality. For all of these people, resilience and passion in the face of a world which did not see them clearly, which did not initially support them, carried them through to their success. For many of them, a key figure (or several) in their lives provided that support that helped them reach the world. Hedy Lamarr said that her father “made me understand that I must make my own decisions, mold my own character, think my own thoughts.”

In Alyssa’s case, we can see based on her choice of portraits and conversation with Shin-Ae that she wants to be seen for who she is, leave her mark on the world through her passions, be genuine in an off-beat way. Like those on her wall, she has a natural skill for both arts and science, but intends to pursue her passion for science, perhaps using her skill in the arts to inform her manner of thinking. The difference, however, is that she does not appear to have that support network. She says that her parents follow her every whim and she’s never been able to develop a real sense of self. We see that her mother puts on a face, appears weak, passive, the trophy wife. When Alyssa was home sick from school, we see her struggle to cope with conflict and rejection, curling up in her room and refusing to talk to anyone but Shin-Ae - yet she “flips a switch” the second she hears her father walk through the door. Something that she does often, as her mother even expected it. Alyssa establishes in that moment that it is not her emotions flipping a switch, but rather the fear of what happens when her father comes home and she is not who he wants her to be. She likely fears her strict father, and resents her passive mother. Either way, Alyssa clearly doesn’t feel supported in herself - she must be the perfect poster daughter, has no role models to look up to, has no understanding of how to make her own decisions, mold her own character, think her own thoughts.

Alyssa frequently exhibits self-doubt and feelings that nobody is listening, that nobody cares. That she must mold herself to whatever others want. That she has to keep parts of herself hidden. That what she wants to be is not something that she can pull herself up in the world through. That she has to bide her time and assuage people to earn her freedom. That she is trapped and isolated.

Although not directly confirmed, we get many hints throughout the Shinlyssa arc that Alyssa is a lesbian, that she had feelings for Shin-Ae. Alyssa being gay in a homophobic world, desperately trying to fit the social mold and find unconditional love, creates such a tragic outcome. While there are obviously so many more types of love than romantic, to have something Alyssa feels such shame for, something that she can not escape or pretend away, something she did not choose, something so wrongly yet so often considered a disease, an abomination, wrong, unnatural, nonconformist tied so directly to the experience of love creates such an all-consuming conflict in Alyssa. Even if she were bisexual, she could suppress enough of herself to fit the mold and find that love (as much as it would still hurt). With her being a lesbian, it enters the fact that she will never be able to find that kind of love while she’s hiding herself. That in her quest to fit the social mold to find love and validation she’s completely closing off that gate. There is something so incredibly tragic about that self-fulfilling prophecy, and it fuels so much of Alyssa’s conflict.

Something important is how much the Shinlyssa event affects not only Shin-Ae, but Alyssa. And, when talking about the Shinlyssa event, something so important to keep in mind is how young they were. They were children, only 12 or 13 years old, in a new environment - especially for Alyssa, who had never been outside the social environment of her home.

Shin-Ae is a character whose light shines bright, which everyone is caught in. That same light that she’s sharing with Nol. A light that even Alyssa was in back in middle school, but that she couldn’t stand in, because Alyssa couldn't accept all of herself. If she stayed in Shin-Ae's light, it would have illuminated the truths she's afraid of. Alyssa is so afraid of the light shining on parts of herself she doesn't want seen that she lets the light go out all together.

It's better in the dark.

So she snuffed out her own light.

She just wants to be accepted and thinks that nobody will accept her because of those parts of herself that she can’t accept. That she’s been taught are wrong. So she can not find acceptance and belonging, she can not stand in the light. And she settles for the closest thing she can find, that artificial light that lets her keep those parts of herself hidden. But that light will never come close when she has to hide so much of herself.

There’s likely only one time in Alyssa’s life that she felt that sense of unconditional love - in her relationship with Shin-Ae. How Alyssa felt the emotional support she desperately needed, that love she craved, that acceptance for her authentic self. How she felt seen with Shin-Ae. How she pushed her away because those are feelings she's not allowed to have. Not for an outcast. Not for someone so brazen. Not for a girl. Not for someone who sees Alyssa as she genuinely is. And now that feeling of actual love and acceptance may be something she never finds again. Only conditional. Only for her image. Her persona. Only when she does what she's told. But none of it true.

Alyssa doesn’t chase fame or adoration, she’s chasing acceptance while being unable to look at herself. She is in this career, in Yui’s grasp, as a direct result of the Shinlyssa event.

Nobody ever showed her safe unconditional love. So naturally she thinks that the only way she can be loved is by chasing adoration. And, as she got older, nothing has proven that wrong for her. The Shinlyssa accident factors so strongly into why Alyssa doesn't see another way. She did have Shin-Ae, but things still went so wrong. It was ingrained into Alyssa that she can not rock the boat, can not be in conflict, has to play nice with those around her. Shin-Ae was unconventional, unpopular, and unafraid to stand up for herself. That created tension between them, and a lot of problems between them and the other kids. Alyssa, in her world, kept trying to keep Shin-Ae and not cause problems at school, but it kept blowing up in her face. And, in the end Shin-Ae falls out a window. This is a horrible way to experience your first taste of interpersonal conflict and likely just solidified for her that you absolutely can not rock the boat, you have to placate people and fit the social mold. It's also likely that her parents were involved in the aftermath of what happened in middle school, considering how much it all got swept under the rug. With her feared, strict father and her good family image mother, I can only imagine what sort of treatment she was welcomed to at home after the Shinlyssa incident. Personally, I also believe that her parents wouldn't have let her anywhere near Shin-Ae afterwards.

Hidden behind the large home and private lessons is how neglected Alyssa was. Treated as a trophy to compensate for the eldest daughter being a disappointment to their overbearing father. Living in a home as the trophy daughter with the trophy wife. Alyssa’s statements of wanting to be part of a power couple come from that resentment, the deep desire to not be that kind of submissive, docile woman.

And then in comes Yui - this godlike woman. Mother. Businesswoman. Charitable. Charismatic. Powerful. Married to an honorable man. Promising everything Alyssa needs - love, validation, adoration, success, belonging. Offering Alyssa a chance to shine, compliments, (fake) love, the potential to become powerful and adored like her. And she idolized Yui, so she took the chance.

It was everything Alyssa needed, on a silver platter … until it wasn’t.

Yui knew exactly how to play her. Manipulated a 14 year old girl just like she does everyone. And by the time Alyssa could see any which way, it's already too late. We can see that she's exhausted. Miserable. Isolated. Always 'on.' Always playing her role. Always on high alert, in survival mode. With Yui over her shoulder, groupmates that hate her, having to be dolled up for everyone she meets, no true allies anymore, being watched and exploited at home, at work, at practice, in the dorms, in public, at events - there is truly not a single place Alyssa feels safe, let alone accepted or loved. And yet she can not leave. She can't stop. They won't let her go now. If she were to stop, she'd have to fail . She has never been allowed to fail. Her life now is miserable, but she sees the price of failure as being even worse.

I think that we're going to see Alyssa continue down a dark path. She's never lived in a reality where it feels okay to be herself. She's pushing so much down and trying so hard to become what other people want her to be so that she may finally fit in. Be loved. Feel like she belongs.

Every one time someone says she's doing great it's like a hit for her, but it's so fleeting. So she has to keep chasing it, because she doesn't know where else to get it. But the more she chases it, the farther and farther down a dark path she goes, running after a torch instead of the sun. And the farther she gets, the harder it is to find an exit. So she has to keep chasing the only light she can see and just hope that it gets her somewhere.

Survival & Safety 

In the case of Alyssa, so many people underestimate the effect that an emotionally volatile upbringing can have on you and how you interact with the world. So many people are choosing to ignore that Alyssa is emotionally neglected and likely abused at home. Shin-Ae feels more like the victim to us because we're seeing the story through her eyes and we know that without money you can't physically live, but the thing Alyssa has lacked all her life, the thing that she needs is to feel like she's accepted and loved. That she, herself, is enough.

At the core of all of her actions, beliefs, choices, is one simple fact - Alyssa feels unsafe.

And even Alyssa’s song - she knows full well that she’s trapped now. The imagery points right to Yui. As Alyssa said, she’s not dumb. The entire time that we’ve known Alyssa, she’s known where she stands with Yui. When she talks about Yui at the formal her eyes are closed. The entire time she’s talking about Yui being charitable, nice for giving Shin-Ae a job, not being where she is today without Yui, wanting a mother like her, wanting to be like her. Her eyes only open again when she says she’d love to be part of a power couple. These are all things that Alyssa likely believed about Yui when she first met her, but has since seen the writing on the wall. The savior she ran to in order to escape her unsafe family life turned out to be even worse. And this is even what leads her to Gun Kim in the recent chapters - in the same way she desperately needed to escape her family, now she desperately needs to escape Yui. But since Alyssa doesn't believe in herself, can't let herself shine enough to brave the world and gain control on her own, she needs someone by her side. Needs to be part of a "power couple." This time it's Gun who comes in, the sparkling savior. Except Alyssa does know better this time, we can see that she's uncomfortable around him, that she knows the sparkles fade. But it’s too late now, and Alyssa just hopes to play the game long enough to gain some of her power back.

"Everything will go to waste I’m trying to find my way back But all these red hues keep me locked in place I can stay captive a bit longer So long as I end up on top"

Alyssa has been playing the game because it's the same game she had to play at home. Keep your head down. Do what they say. That way they won't hurt you as badly.

And when we remember that Alyssa's socioeconomic status is closer to Kousuke's than to Shinae's we can understand even more the implications, because it's not just about Alyssa’s weaknesses. It's about how it reflects on her family. Alyssa and Meg act as parallels to Kousuke and Nol, the golden child and the black sheep. Constantly told to not embarrass the family, don't make them look bad, live up to your potential. Nol and Meg are seen as wildcards, burdens, disappointments, people who do not fit the social mold and make everyone's lives more difficult. So Kousuke and Alyssa feel such intense pressure to fit the mold exactly. To never be out of line. To be someone that lives up to their family name. That brings respect. That doesn't cause trouble.

We see this same concept play out in the juxtaposition between the reaction to the girls’ catching Yui’s eye.

When we think about the parallels of Yui swooping in and "stealing away" both Shin-Ae and Alyssa the biggest difference is that Nol could see Shin-Ae, see how miserable she was even if she didn’t explain it to him. And, even then, the only reason even Shin-Ae ever opened up and leaned on people was because she had to. Because Nol had already seen it. He was able to nudge it out of her after seeing her eviction notice and pile of bills. After seeing her so blatantly miserable at the formal. And once someone had seen her weaknesses and supported her, she gradually was able to build back that trust that she spent so long unable to draw upon. But she didn’t start that by choice, she just chose to continue.

While for Alyssa he can’t see it - so much of her misery has been out of his view, she doesn’t open up and lean on people and is so good at putting on her brave face. The more people know your weaknesses, the more they have to use against you, and Alyssa sees so many weaknesses in herself that she can’t trust anyone. Alyssa has been trained all her life to hide anything negative. Never step out of line. Nol was able to see it in Shin-Ae because she’s easier to read, but nobody can see it in Alyssa because she’s been taught how to hide it. Shin-Ae’s biggest strategy for hiding her state was to avoid people - Alyssa is able to hide in plain sight.

Alyssa is always a strong contrast with Shin-Ae, and we can see it throughout the formal. Something so important to this parallel are cut scenes of Alyssa that foreshadow the recent developments we’ve seen of her with the Hiraharas and the Kims.

Such a theme of the night is how lucky Shin-Ae was that Kousuke and Nol didn't have ill intentions around her and were looking out for her. Everyone was looking out for Shin-Ae that night, but no one was looking out for Alyssa. Even her own parents, the people who above all else are supposed to keep you safe, sold her out to the entertainment industry and never looked back. And, to be fair, we come back to her self-fulfilling prophecy - Alyssa is afraid to be herself because she thinks her true self isn’t worthy of love, so she pushes people away, and then has no one. But, at the same time, Shin-Ae has also been pushing everyone away. Nol has to stalk her to gain her friendship, she coldly and pointedly rejects Dieter, she keeps Maya and Rika at arm’s length, she doesn’t tell anyone (even Min-Hyuk) about her problems with her home and her dad. But the difference between Alyssa and Shin-Ae is, in many ways, how well they hid it. With Shin-Ae it was obvious that she was keeping people at arm’s length because she had been hurt. With Alyssa, she’s keeping people away because she’s afraid, but she’s been taught very well how to keep up appearances, so it looks as though she just doesn’t care, that she’s more concerned with herself and her image and her career. So people leave her alone, while they chase after Shin-Ae. While everyone was off chasing Shin-Ae, Alyssa was alone with the elites - no one looking for her, no one caring where she was.

Alyssa is, at her core, so very alone.

Unreliable Narrators & Nolyssa 

One of the most pointed failings of Nolyssa, especially in comparison to Stalkyoo, is how much Nol and Alyssa really don’t know each other at all, despite being more privy to the details of each other’s lives than almost anyone else. Both of them are in survival mode, putting on masks day after day, not letting each other in, seeing each other as something they are so very not with goals and desires that only scratch the surface. On the one hand, neither of them have really put up a fight, but also the circumstances were against them. They weren't in a position to help each other. They were both kids with needs that weren't met trying their best to survive. Children forced into playing an adult’s game.

Nol and Shin-Ae are both unreliable narrators. Shin-Ae actually acknowledges this, specifically in relation to Alyssa, saying that she only ever has her side of the story. In Nol’s case, he sees Yui for what she is, and wants others to see it, too. But he also believes that everything is his fault, that it all stems from his existence, that Yui may be a villain but it’s because of him, not that Yui does what suits her best. And that makes it so hard for him to even begin to guess that Alyssa sees Yui for something else, that Alyssa fell for Yui’s manipulation for reasons that he couldn’t see and that she realized after what had really happened. That she could praise Yui, focus on her career, devote her time to this game, and be lying about it all. He sees that validation seeker and he didn't see beyond it because she didn't let him see anything more than that. He’s good at being able to tell when people are putting up a facade, but not so much why .

Alyssa is so much more complex than just someone seeking validation, and she is meant to make us sit with complex feelings. Meant to make us figure her out, to see beyond our unreliable narrators. To accept that she is more complex despite how negative her interactions with our two most overtly sympathetic characters are. We are supposed to be clued in to her more than they are, to see those things that none of our narrators can see.

Nol states that she knows how his family makes him feel, but does he know his family makes her feel? How this whole game makes her feel? That she wants off this ride but it's too late and she can't do anything?

Ironically, Nol is being used as Alyssa’s protector, but not in any intentional way. Nol said that he tried to steer Alyssa clear of Yui, but honestly it doesn't seem like he really tried. When Shin-Ae gets the invitation to Kousuke's apartment Nol just says that Yui is a nice lady. I think that Nol tries to save people from Yui by encouraging them to appease her and then wean away from her, thinking that as long as they do what she wants Yui won't hurt them. But obviously that's not how Yui works. And, Alyssa fell right into the trap, just like Shin-Ae.

But, where Nol is protecting her is by being the “boyfriend,” protecting her from the predators around her. Even if it's not much, having Nol as a boyfriend keeps those close to the Hiraharas who may try to take advantage of her just a bit more at bay. They can't step on the Hiraharas’ toes. I especially think that now that we've seen more of Alyssa's world, how she got where she is, and what likely lays ahead for her. And, it honestly works well for Alyssa - Nol is respectful, not interested in her, doesn’t push her, she doesn’t have to do anything to appease him, doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Doesn’t even have to pay attention to him (although she should, if even as just a friend). And I think that Alyssa does know this, and that’s part of why she fought so hard when he did for once express his own needs and desires and tried to break it off. I think that, once Nol is gone, it's basically open season on her, and it's going to be so incredibly hard to watch - that fake relationship is probably the final barrier keeping her in some semblance of safe.

But, the thing is, Alyssa's fate isn't Nol's responsibility. Alyssa does not deserve to be preyed upon, but Nol also doesn't deserve to be trapped and suffocated. We can see how much being in this relationship hurts Nol, suffocates him, how it's keeping him on a one-way path to misery. How, as much as she does not deserve what likely lays ahead for her without Nol, he does not deserve what lays ahead for him with Alyssa.

As much as I defend Alyssa, urging people to understand her complexities as a character, how her choices are born out of her own survival mode, how she is falling back on the methods that she learned from her home life were the only way to survive, how she has never felt safe and that leads directly to the choices she makes and how she feels that she does not have a choice at all - Nol is not the one responsible for her path, her choices. Some combination of Alyssa, the adults who failed her, and the adults who groomed her are responsible.

I mentioned earlier how Alyssa ended up here as a fallout of the Shinlyssa event, and that implicates Nol’s position too - both in relation to Alyssa and to Shin-Ae. If Shinlyssa had survived, Stalkyoo would never have been. All of this growth between Nol and Shin-Ae, chasing that future - it never would have happened. It’s even possible Nol wouldn’t be around anymore. Everything is a chain reaction. Sometimes there is no choice where everyone turns out okay. No matter which way it happened, one of them was going to be in a bad place. Which is the same way things are going with the potential ending of Nolyssa. Either Nol suffers or Alyssa is in danger - there's no scenario where they are both okay.

Shin-Ae is likely going to be a foil to Alyssa, and she may watch and have to understand. To see why Shin-Ae is so capable of being what she isn't. That at the end of the day Shin-Ae was always enough. That Alyssa was always enough. How different things would have been if she could’ve accepted herself and stood in that light. That if she could, people will come along who love her for who she is. That there was so much she couldn't see at that time and now it's too late.

Conclusion 

Despite how easy it is to dislike Alyssa, to to write her off as the validation seeker, the bad friend, the self-serving naïve idol - there is so much more to Alyssa to see. The girl seeking to fill that unmet essential need for unconditional love. The girl who has never felt safe. The girl who was never taught how to handle conflict. The girl who is so afraid of herself that she pushes everyone away. Who hides herself so much that no one knows who she really is. Who’s reputation for herself and her family rides on her back. Who is miserable but sees no way out. Who is trapped by choices she made as a child. Who still makes all the wrong choices because she doesn’t see any other way. Who is just as much a victim, desperately trying to survive, as everyone else.

Now she is trapped in this prison, abused and trafficked No way out in sight No one on her side Only empty love and adoration Chasing artificial light, snuffing her own out from fear of those inner truths, never feeling safe, having to keep going to have any hope of getting out but keeping going being so so bad and likely never going to get her there

Above all else I hope that Alyssa can learn to accept herself. That, even if she realizes it far too late, she can see that was all she ever really needed. Because she can’t have that love that she wants while she’s so afraid, so much in hiding, so fearful of the truths within herself that could be revealed if she stands in the light. The thing about Alyssa is that she pushes genuine people away because of this fear. And therein is her self-fulfilling prophecy, but she makes these choices because she doesn’t know what else to do and ends up further and further trapped. I feel an intense sadness for Alyssa as she, like all of our characters, is in survival mode herself and just trying desperately to fill an unmet need.

And, again, it's not about liking or disliking Alyssa. Absolving or convicting her. It's not that simple. As complex as she is as a person, so is her role in the story, her perception within us. But it's about understanding her - who she is, why she makes her choices, how she got here.

I will reiterate again a point from earlier - the people Alyssa hurt are our two main characters. We are supposed to feel a way about that. But so much of the point is about how our emotional reaction to Alyssa isn't all there is. That she’s not any more or less evil just because the people she hurt are the ones we’re emotionally connected to. That she is a person who has her own story, her own motivations, her own mistakes, her own needs, her own fears, her own traumas. Not that it negates the harm, the wrong choices, but just that there is more to it. That we have to be able to examine and sit with our complex feelings towards her.

In the words of Hedy - “I’m a very simple, complicated person.”

And that concludes my full length essay about Alyssa and why I have feelings

[tamelee]

Hello Tamelee! Do you have any advice to give to beginners regarding drawing? Maybe some exercices that helped you to make progress? I’ve seen that you learn to draw all on your own, and that’s really impressing (and inspiring)!! ❤️

Hi!! 🧡 thankyou so much (ノ・∀・)ノ♥︎ Ah yes of course!!! I wanted to make this earlier but I waited until I finished a few drawings to see if I could come up with more tips and find out what really helps for me.

✍️;

 I did learn to draw by myself, but I watched a lot of speed video’s for guidance ^^ I used to slow them down a lot and really tried to study what artists that I liked did, but I wouldn’t recommend this for beginners. Especially when you don’t really know the program and you won’t understand why they do what they do.

I used to copy the greyscale method even though I knew nothing about color so I heavily relied on values only which made everything look very muddy.

It’s actually only recently that I’m understanding the things that I do and I feel like my anatomy/coloring is improving slowly because of it. 

So, first, I’d highly recommend to instead of copying only as a study method, (like faces for example) to understand why things are the way they are. If you know how planes of a face work, it’s much easier to remember why a certain perspective is like that, when something feels off and how to fix it or how to lay down shadows. The ‘Asaro head’ is a favorite for many, the free version you can find HERE a video on the topic is HERE and learning how to shade is explained very well HERE. Sinix Design has a great video that goes beyond that and it may help you for different kind of faces which you can find HERE. If you're more interested in Anime faces (though the planes work the same), you can find and manipulate 3D models for free HERE or HERE that you can use as a reference. Of course you should always make it your own but they can help with perspective. In fact, you can find many different kinds of models on Sketchfab. Your character holding a cup and you aren't sure how to draw it in that angle? Find one, manipulate it, screenshot and study the perspectives ^^ (I don't recommend tracing or copying.)

Learn about environmental lighting and color temperatures instead of value's (light and dark) only!!! Trust me, the earlier you learn this, the better >*chants* color temperature, color temperature, color temp-

Anatomy is interesting. A lot of tutorials recommend you use photo's to learn it, but it confused me a lot. Pictures aren't always clear enough to see how the body parts are connected and I always thought it was a bit pointless to learn muscles, but it really isn't. I'm not sure how to explain it well, but a picture is often too complicated and you have to narrow it down to find its foundation. I personally think it's helpful to find an artist you like and look how they do anatomy if they have shared any sketches.

Not sure if that makes any sense xD but what I'm trying to say is that for me, looking at pictures alone didn't help me understand much of anything else at all and in some cases made it even more confusing. Clothing makes much more sense in drawings when they're simplified, but this also depends on style!

You can use a napkin around you finger and bend it to get a quick fold reference for a sleeve or something!

Studying the body means... well, studying the body. Naked, in underwear or swimwear. You can find many free references! But there are special anatomy reference packs that are being sold like these.

I don't really do drawing exercises because my ADD just won't allow me to. My motivation immediately drops to zero. So I can't say which ones are very helpful but always feel free to try anything you want and see what works for you! But if there's anything you should exercise always... it's your hands.

Trust me on that one. The pain for ignoring your pain is a consequence you don't want ;-; and sometimes it even leaves you unable to draw for a long time. Avoid issues with carpel tunnel or RSI as much as possible. There are many video's but you could use THIS ONE for example.

I do practice though with everything new that I create. I always try to learn something.

I think the thing that helped me a lot in the beginning was by getting the habit to save everything that I liked. An expression in a movie? I saved it. Favorite art styles? I saved them. Naruto looked particularly adorable in that panel? Saved. Sasuke's hair spikes flawlessly there? Saved it.

If you're quickly overwhelmed though (like me lol) then it's not a good idea to save a bunch of screenshots in a folder because you'll have no idea what to even look for. If you do this then try to keep things as organized as possible so you actually have some use for it and even narrow it down as much as you like. Some panels for Naruto and Sasuke for example I have saved in several folders like 'expressions', 'manga style' or 'outfit' for example. I don't want to spend too much time looking for things, because unlike some of you think, I don't have that much patience xD

INVEST IN EXTERNAL SSD('s) and BACK UP REGULARLY!! Like, everyday if you can, but at least 3x a week. Once a week at THE VERY LEAST. You'll thank yourself one day. Save your art-files so you have access to full versions always but post smaller files if you're drawing in large 300DPI (or more) files. Whatever program you use you can learn to reduce sizes, you don't need to save every layer always when you've finished a drawing, but in Photoshop for example you can 'merge layers 'duplicate all visible layers' as a copy and put it in a progress folder in case you ever need it, like so;

Some other things that helped me a lot also was to create my own short keys to flip the canvas and making the current layer I'm working on visible or not. Personally I have the flipping on 'command+§' and layer visibility on 'command+1'. If you're working with Windows you can switch command key or pick anything else you think would be easy! Flipping your canvas horizontally helps a lot to find mistakes and layer visibility.... I don't really see anyone talking about it, but when I'm rendering over a sketch and get lost in it, I often use this short-key to see if I'm not overdoing it or losing the original perspective which can easily happen!

I hope some of these are helpful, I can't really think of much more right now, but feel free to ask anyway if there is anything in particular! 🌷

[mapsareforbraindeads]

for the character ask game, Beyond Birthday 21?

21 - if you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? what's something you don't like?

okay, so for beyond, there's actually a lot i do to try and embody his character, as well as general preferences.

i watched a video essay around a month ago that basically went over why beyond birthday could never take the place of L, which was interesting for me to watch given, you know, true successor's existence. but a lot of the OP's points were traits i was unintentionally putting into my own characterization of beyond. their primary reasoning for why beyond couldn't live up to L was something along the lines of "L utilizes his intiuition for complex tasks, which always results in success. beyond birthday primarily focuses on challenging those around him as well as his plain deductions, so he is unable to grow as much as L was," and honestly, if that doesn't sum up my characterization of beyond in TS, i don't know what does.

as for my general preferences, it's always gotten under my skin when people draw beyond as just L with a black shirt, ESPECIALLY if it's a pre-canon design. it's always one of my top priorities to keep beyond and L as separate as i can, considering how much makeup canon beyond had to use in order to look exactly like L. i wanted to push this to more horror-like aspects in the TS series, but didn't feel like i had the skill for that. if i ever return to the character, i'll probably end up exploring that given my recent experiments with darker fiction.

also, an obvious one, but i try to make him think like an actual person instead of being reduced to the "tee hee i kill people i love L lolll" characterization that some corners of the fandom try to push on him. i give him emotions, i give him lapses in judgement, and i give him actual motivations instead of... whatever the older fanon interpretations were.

i have a lot more but i don't want to write an essay right now. thanks for the ask!

[boiboiperson]

Binge watching the 2017 Ducktales atm and I've recently watched the episode that introduces Faris Djinn. I haven't seen any other episodes with him but so far he was surprisingly good representation (??) At least imo as a half brownie.

At first I was expecting him to be some other Middle Eastern/Persian stereotype but I ended up being very surprised when that didn't happen. I think it's because he embodies so much of this "fOr HoNoUr AnD mY pEoPlE" thing that is seen in stereotypes, but it's not in a way that's violent. Idk I'm bad at explaining, but basically things like honour, strong ties to family/roots/tradition, stubbornness and extra-seriousnes are often used in a stereotypical way to show a Middle Eastern/Persian character as incredibly violent and insane, veerrrrrryyy similar to a terrorist.

BUT with Djinn, it's never shown in a negative way. He marks each monster in the fake trials, his determination allows him to finish his quest and he does it all in the first place for his family. It was kinda odd but also refreshing seeing aspects of my culture I never really think about represented in a regular way instead of as OOOO TERRORISTT. Idk how to describe or explain it maybe some other fellow brownies know what I'm talking about. Please comment!!

Also, I like how it didnt really end up in an orientalist route when they decided not to give him a specific culture. Definitely feels more like ATLA than Aladin. It didn't feel like they were trying to represent a bunch of cultures as one culture but instead were like here's a character whose culture is based off these cultures.

I also just like how he has a fucking character. He has motivations and dimension.

Writing this I'm realising maybe I feel this way about him because a lot of the time we either get shit or no representation. I would love to hear what other people think of him since I'm still a little conflicted and am probably overthinking. I haven't even finished the show yet or have watched any other episodes with him, so there definitely is more to his character I have not seen yet.

Edit: have just done a wee bit of research of the 1987 version of him. Thank god they changed him

Edit numero dos: turns out I love him a lot and want to draw him as a hooman now :D

[studynxiety]

06/09/2023

Lately, I have been tired. I am not sure if it's burnout, a random depressive episode or executive dysfunction. All I know is I haven't been really doing as much as I could be. I didn't want to admit it since I was still doing enough to get 80% on most tests and things could be worse.

Looking back, however, I haven't really done much that enjoy lately. I don't remember the last time I turned on some good music and wrote away, burning the midnight candle for something that made me alive. And there has been this constant knot of anxiety at the bottom of my stomach. So, things haven't been vibrant but things aren't exactly bad. It's like waking up on the wrong side of the bad; nothing's horrible but everything's off nonetheless.

All this is to say, I think I need to bounce back and I'm done being passive for this year. I've always been ambitious and I'm going to start pursuing things I want again. I woke up today feeling weirdly motivated so I've decided to start the 100 days of productivity challenge!

Things I hope to achieve from this challenge:

Become good enough in Physics that I can enjoy it again

Finish at least half of the CS50 course

Study for SATS

Make a complete compilation of which Unis to apply to

Finish at least two WIPs

Get better at French

Extra/Less-prioritized goals:

Get abs

learn to cook

Sketch/Draw more often

I think there will be two main obstacles in the way of me accomplishing these things. The first will be finding time. Most of the goals I've mentioned are things I have been putting off for more immediate concerns or just, generally, people needing me for things in the present that need to be dealt with but don't have much of an impact in the future.

The second problem is my undeniable internet addiction. Okay, I feel like internet addiction is too broad; my addiction to constantly consume some form of creative media, be it in the form of books, movies, TV shows, anime, cartoon, comics, or fanfiction. I really need to cut down on that. I think this will be the most difficult part. I'll try cutting out serialized content and instead explore more indie books and movies again. They're usually less addictive but fulfilling in the same.

As always, I'll be ending this post with some talk about the most recent shows that I have been enjoying, which is kind of ironic given the previous paragraph is me just complaining about my inability to stay away from them. Lately, I have been into the ongoing Kdrama "My Lovely Liar." I think the chemistry between the main characters is great and the mystery is alluring. An 8/10 in my books.

Other than that, I've been watching "The Boys." Currently, in season three. It's one heck of a show and it's just so believable and feels like a mirror to reality. The corporate greed of pharmaceutical firms, the corruption among the people who have sworn to protect us, and how hard the world works ... only to maintain the status quo. I think it's very interesting and directly draws parallels to the real world. It's definitely a 10/10 for me. The world building, characters, humour; everything hits just right.

That's all for today. I'll do some chemistry, look over the CS50 course and fill out some forms for some official stuff today and kickstart the productivity challenge tomorrow. I'll try to be more active on tumblr during the 100 days as I need something to keep me accountable. Here is to hoping for better me's and better days and better outcomes.

[silkentine]

Have you ever wanted to draw something but you fought due to your skill level at the time you decide not to do it

Hmm, thank you for your question! I am often plagued by visions of illustrations and projects that seem outside of the reach of my ability; however, I approach them anyway!! Sometimes, something can be done in an easier way and then you can apply what you've learned to the bigger picture (like making thumbnail sketches or drawing in a sketchier or more simplistic style). In recent days, it takes me about three attempts before I am satisfied with the line art. Some days, I get it in one!

Also, I think the mindset of "Do it Scared" can push you further than you ever really thought possible. I can think all day long about something I want to draw, but it's not gonna get made until I sit down and do it, you know? Drawing is what I was made for, though. I wouldn't be myself, I wouldn't be human, if I didn't draw. So that's a big motivator for me too. Now, if only I could be so passionate about getting the laundry done. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But yeah! I think a big part of advancing your art skills is to stop thinking about art and creation as a job or a thing to suffer through to get what you want and instead have fun with it. We live in a society (joker voice) where we feel compelled to commodify ourselves and the stuff we make for the benefit of everyone around us. If you have the ability, make stuff for you (and for the people who are close to you) and make stupid cringe ugly first drafts and lame things that no one else will understand and come back to them. The biggest joy of creation is making something that only you could have. Be free!

[alltheotherblogs]

So, Regular Show.

Apparently it's getting some kind of pseudo-reboot. A new series tacked onto the ending of the last with some returns from previously featured characters. This is not necessarily bad news! But, the reasons for fans being skeptical are obvious.

One of the most important examples of a good idea gone sour is... Adventure Time. It doesn't take a genius writer to see that they blatantly disrespected the themes they started with. I had a chance to analyze, and criticize the series from a new and fresh perspective. And so as I jumped into it for the last time, I quickly used an analytical eye to spot the things I had missed as a child. One of these things was Princess Bubblegum. Coming from an abusive background, I can spot abusive behaviors the moment I see them. And P.B. is textbook. The various ways she manipulates the Candy people, the main cast, and Finn himself... It's scary familiar to a lot of the controlling tactics used by abusive parents. I don't have any specific examples and if I'm gonna be honest I don't desire to find any. But one thing that always comes to mind is how she attempts to manipulate the Flame people using these same tactics, and it fails... This is where an inconsistency pops up in the writing, Flame Princess and Marceline have similar father figures with similar motivations for how they operate and their family dynamic. The main difference I want to call attention to here is that Flame Princess didn't just overcome it but decided to rise to the occasion and take over the Kingdom. Marceline distanced herself from her origins as much as possible... I think you can see where I am going here. Where Marceline comes to accept her father, it only happens after he changes. I don't really think Flame Princess ever accepted her father. And so when Flame Princess sees P.B. blatantly stealing, and attempting to trick her and her subjects, she gets pretty reasonably angry. A manipulative woman pulls up into your abode under false pretenses and tricks you and everyone else so that she can get her sticky grubby fingers onto some SERIOUS ancient tech. Acting like someone as tyrannical as P.B. is anymore trust worthy with it than anyone else is delusional.

From here it's not very hard to draw a comparison to real world behavior. For once you have a character that is reacting reasonably to something instead of being absurd. And then you have the last episode where Marceline just magically, for no reason and with very little buildup, just falls into P.B's arms like some sick individual with a different KIND of authority issue. Marceline has an issue with authority not an issue without it. Even in the very first episode, this is how P.B. is setup. An authoritarian with a very skewed moral compass. The fact that she is completely different by the end of the series yet lacks any real character development and still commits the same sins she did at the beginning, it isn't some clever subversion or smart multilayered writing... It's just bad writing. That is why I get so mad whenever people say "oh you are just bigoted that's why you don't like it." If you are one of those people who unironically thought THAT was the reason the ending didn't go over well, you are more stupid than your teachers and parents thought. It wasn't hard to notice that they just inserted a relationship between two incompatible characters right at the moment the rest of the shows writing began to suffer.

Haven't finished J.G. Quintel's other show, "Close Enough" but I'm working on it. And it has good parts, which makes me confident this new show will have a good energy and a positive impact on the series as a whole. Since it'll serve as a sequel rather than a reboot, we have a lot to look forward too in terms of new characters and unique dynamics.

Regardless, the history of this kind of thing cannot be ignored. In recent cinema everything is getting a crappy reboot. It's gonna take a few times before they learn, what made the old thing work was not that it was the old thing, but how it was the old thing. You get what I mean?

People don't like same shit different wrapping. They like same wrapping different shit. They want to see skillful talented writing. They don't want cringey politically motivated garbage and marvel-quality one-liners. They want actual comedy, they want in-world belief systems to help the characters play off each other. They want creativity and a well built world. Not Helluva Boss, not Hazbin Hotel, neither of those cringey politically driven shows with TERRIBLE writing. People want the first five seasons of Adventure Time! They want Golden Era KOTH! they want good comedy delivered without pretentious snark... While it isn't HARD to do this, with studios breathing down peoples necks, and the people who give orders being corrupt scumbags with what I like to call "Wrong Beliefs" it is super difficult to actually make something good. But, Smiling Friends did it, Adult Swim continues to produce quality, Newgrounds continues to let loose incredible people, and talent always rises to the top regardless of what corruption is going on in the western media. It takes some time for these mega corporations to fall, but sure enough, hollywood is failing as everyone predicted. The games industry is failing, as everyone predicted. What happens when Hollywood and the Games industry fail? Indie creators come up to bat. Not all of them are going to hit it out of the park, but strike while the irons hot, and you just might see sparks.

What I'm trying to say is, just don't fuck it up J.G.

[pinesfamilyguidetotheweird]

Inspiration and motivation can come in unexpected ways.

Whenever I even attempt to draw, I always feel insecure with my methods.

Usually, I would sketch out whatever I wanted to draw on paper, take a picture of it when I'm done, and then transfer it over to the art program I use to do the lining and coloring.

Y'all have already seen examples of this from my sneak peek posts about my recent fanart projects.

The thing I feel insecure about is, shouldn't I not be doing it this way? Shouldn't I be sketching it out on the art program instead like everybody else? I tried, but it didn't feel right and it made me feel bad about myself.

Then, one day, I went to a Barnes & Noble with my family. Being the anime/manga nut I am, I went straight for the manga section. I perused the shelves, nothing catching my interest, until I reached the end side and saw this.

Shirow Miwa. Miwa's probably one of my favorite manga artists and I was ecstatic to see that this is an illustration book. DOGS: Bullets & Carnage, Kiznaiver, and the first official RWBY manga were my experience with his work.

Of course, I purchased it.

When I was giving the book an honest look later...I saw this...

Miwa prefers to sketch things out on paper first instead of just going straight to digital. To him, it felt more natural, at least for drawing his characters. This...was probably the first time (maybe in a long time) that I felt a spark of inspiration.

So, now, whenever I start to doubt myself, I go back to this page and remind myself that people have their own way of doing things, especially if it feels right to you.

[lunion]

I love how Bill Cypher culminates every single aspect of Gravity Falls.

Recently, I was listening to "it's gonna get weird" and it got me thinking about how the final arc actually gives a resolution to something Gravity Falls explores on its own: Normal vs Weirdness

Gravity falls is a show that centers itself around Dipper and Mabel's adventures on the titular city, as they live their summer facing the weirdest and most uncanny things known to man, all the while also being regular kids (as far as the Pines family can be regular, at least).

Where this gets really interesting is on the final arc. Gravity Falls really prepares everything for a grand send off, both for the characters and for the audience. As Dipper and Mabel are both approaching the disappointing but inevitable reality that summer is nearing its end, the Pines twins both start their arc with a flaw: refusing to move on and indulging more and more.

Gravity falls was not only bold, but it was scaling as time goes on, as any story tends to.

I mean, you guys remember the Northwest mansion episode, right?

We went from gnomes kidnapping mabel to marry her to this.

Fast forwarding to the final arc, we have Dipper and Mabel with no intention of ever deescalating.

Mabel refuses to let go on a temporal level: Feeling the inevitable march of time as summer TIME is ending, losing access to her friends and the idea of getting older and no longer experiencing the fun moments of childhood, Mabel wishes for everything to stay where they are in gravity falls, as kids, remaining engaging on the same things forever.

Mabel doesn't want to MOVE ON from gravity falls (just like we didn't)

Dipper on the other hand is actually on A VERY DANGEROUS PATH as well: He is called by Ford to stay in Gravity Falls and study these anomalies.

You know, the same anomalies that almost killed people over and over? And they keep escalating? NEED I REMIND YOU THAT HE WAS TECHNICALLY DEAD WHEN HE GOT TURNED INTO WOOD?

Weirdness in gravity falls always felt to me akin to what "Horror" was in most folk tales, urban legends and so forth. It's mystical. It draws us further in, but it's also dangerous, deadly and too much of it can lead to our demise.

Dipper was considering not only STAYING in gravity falls, but DIVE HEADFIRST INTO MORE DANGER, LIKE FORD. THE SAME GRAND UNCLE WHO MADE THE DEAL WITH BILL CYPHER TO BEGIN WITH, WHO GOT TRAPPED IN A FOREIGN DIMENSION FOR MANY YEARS (by accident, but that's his line of work).

And then comes BILL CYPHER

This triangle's sole motivation is to cause MORE and MORE weirdness.

AND HE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO BREAKS.

Bill Cypher, designwise and plotwise answer the question: "What happens if we indulge with occult/weird/bizarre stuff endlessly?"

To Bill, Gravity Falls was BORING. it wasn't WEIRD ENOUGH. His goal was to unleash as much weirdness as possible. The fact that he's also based on the All Seeing Eye, a symbol very involved in conspiracy theories and the like only enhance that.

The obsession with weirdness, the bizarre and the exceptional makes one unappreciative of the world around them and Bill embodies that to the limit. No weirdness at all is boring. A little bit spices up life, but too much and it's stressful or harmful. Pacifica's father can attest to that.

Bill Cypher forces all the character to face the weirdmagedon in order to survive and what do they do? They decide enough is enough and after they defeat Bill they say "No more weird stuff". There's a limit and that's that. It was fun, but it already got to be too much. They want new things, new experiences and they move on.

Summer was great, it was weird, it was fun.

But Dipper and Mable have to go. They got more things to do in life.

Not only new experiences, but different ones as well. If they latched on to the weirdness forever, they would be one dimentional adults who can only talk about weird stuff when they grew up. Instead, they had the adventure of a lifetime and will live many other stories as they grow

[cherriko-art]

I just want to thank the Tumblr community from the bottom of my heart for helping me find joy in drawing again. For helping me find art a little less scary with every comment I get. And to remind people, once again, how much of an impact positive engagement has for creators, no matter how small or big.

Long, midnight ramble on my struggles with art below.

Late night thoughts, but lately my motivation for drawing has been rekindled as a way to release the brain rot on the fandoms and games I've loved recently. I lost my love for art for a really, really long time and for someone who's been drawing since I could pick up a pencil, and has identified as an artist my entire life, literally witnessing myself lose my love for art and drawing has been a really painful process. Especially since it happened over a relatively short period of time. Over 20 years of loving and creating art, only to be extinguished in just a small period of 2 years. When I came to a sudden realization that I hated drawing, I mourned over it for a really long time. I missed the joy I got from drawing, the pride in my art, the passion to learn and hone my skills. I used to think I could never imagine a future where I wasn't constantly thinking about the next thing I wanted to draw, but now I am living that future. Art is never on my mind anymore. I try to draw and I become filled with anxiety and dread. There's not a single thought about picking up my pencil and creating. The only things I had drawn in the last 4 years were for zines and it felt like work, not joy. Drawing felt like a job, and it stopped being the center of my universe. I stopped being active on social media, bc I was only on here for art. But even looking at other people's art left a bitter taste, and I didn't want to look at any of it anymore. Several times over the last few years I've tried to rekindle my love for art, tried starting small again. But it always fizzled out quickly, and I'd abandon it again. Sometimes I scroll through my Instagram and it hurts to look at, because I distinctly remember how much joy I got from drawing every single piece, what my thought process was, and how excited I felt in creating. It's been so long since I've felt happiness in drawing.

Lately, I've drawn some things bc my emotions for the brain rots in my head were Too Big and I couldn't think of releasing these big emotions in anything other than what I know. In art. I just drew something, didn't think too hard abt it, and posted them. Like barfing your overwhelming feelings on paper then throwing it away. But the engagement I've gotten on these emotional-dump drawings have been so wonderful, no matter how small or big, and it's made me so happy. Very specifically from Tumblr. Tumblr has reminded me what it's like to actually interact with fandoms again. Instagram/Twitter/etc has become such a competitive platform for content creators, that any sense of (the minimal) community and fandom interactions have been completely wiped out. But Tumblr has stayed true to it's roots through all these years and never have I been more grateful.

For the first time in years, I'm excited to draw again. I actually want to draw. I finished multiple drawings in the last 2 weeks, more than I have in years. Instead of feeling numb and exhausted after drawing like I had been, I'm actually filled with adrenaline and excitement to draw more. I'm excited to participate in fandoms again, engage in communities. This is all because other people's positive engagements on my little drawings have motivated me to draw more.

Drawing has become a very daunting, anxiety-filled, unpleasant experience for me. I lost my love for art years ago. But the positive engagement in my recent art has pushed away some of that anxiety, and it's becoming increasingly easier for me to pick up that pencil again. Drawing is starting to feel fun again. I don't know how long this will last, if it will fizzle out like it has time and time again. I don't know if art will turn back into the Big, Bad Monster again. But for now, I'm just relishing in the feeling of art feeling like freedom again. And I have the Tumblr community to thank for that.

So for everyone on here, thank you.

[gittetj]

To @novafirst1 who's been leaving so many funny and thoughtful tags on my old End of the World art (waving back at you - yes I see and appreciate you, thank you so much), I saw you were wondering about some things regarding the fic's development and whether my drawings still fit in or not, and I thought maybe I should officially clear that up or whatever, because I don't think I ever have?

So, some things to keep in mind about my drawings:

1) I almost always draw scenes while I'm drafting them, not after they're done, so often they diverge from what ends up in the fic. This is especially true of anything from chapter 21 and forward. The story takes a big turn around there and it's where I started fucking big things up in my old, old first draft. Sometimes I feel like deleting some of the art that has nothing to do with what actually happens in the fic anymore, but I also have a lifelong policy of never deleting anything, so…

2) My OC Ren was written out of the story a long time ago because she was introduced way too late in the story and her role could be redistributed between other characters, mainly Serizawa. I still love Ren, though. I've stored her away in a little corner of my mind, hoping some day she'll be of use in a different story.

3) Shimazaki was also written out of the story quite long ago. I honestly don't remember what his deal was that well because every time I change something in this fic, the old version is immediately purged from my mind so I don't confuse myself too much. Ehh, he kind of had the role Iida has now, except not really? Like, the end purpose of that role was similar, but his methods and motivations were wildly different (and more uninteresting) and it was executed in a way where it forced other characters into situations instead of letting them decide to go there on their own, taking too much of their agency away. It didn't work well, so I axed him. I don't miss him. Well, okay, I had one scene where he dumped Shou in the middle of a desert, I kinda miss that one, but apart from that, don't miss him.

4) I don't know if this is very apparent from just my art, but several of my OCs/might-as-well-be-OCs (like Shou's mom or Fukuda, Higashio, and Ootsuki) have been tweaked quite a bit along the way. For example, speaking of Iida, he started out as some random Claw henchman, and now he's one of the most central characters to the main plot line. Whoops? Satsune and Himiko's personalities drifted from what I originally expected from them, affecting their actions in the story. I've recently made some huge changes/additions to Higashio's scenes because I felt like you didn't get to know him well enough. I know I'll have to do the same for Ootsuki. The list goes on...

5) Bottom line: Everything is fluid! Sometimes I draw stuff and then change my mind with reckless abandon the next day. Nothing is real until it's on AO3

[egg-emperor]

Seriously, though, I have to wonder what you're even here for if you want Eggman to reform and be redeemed. We already have his archetype in the form of Gerald. Why don't people want to use Gerald? (Gerald's cool, can you tell I think so? xP) But I mean, you knew from day one that Eggman was selfish, greedy, apathetic, and rotten to the core, so why are you clamoring for him to become something he's not? Are you not entertained by bad men? Must suck to be you, then. xP

That's what I've been asking for so long. People say they're fans but don't like that he's evil and want him to have a nice side/not be so bad or even be entirely changed and/or redeemed and I don't understand it. He's the main villain of the series, "evil" is literally supposed to be one of his main descriptors to define his whole character. It shows in everything he does with his plans and goals, it's supposed to be evident within all his core traits, it's what fuels his methods and motives, and most of the series' stories wouldn't have happened without him and his evil specifically.

I've also always been wondering why people won't just give Gerald love for being the exact things they wish Eggman would be. Sure he didn't have a lot of screentime (but recent events show that the fandom doesn't seem to need that or even much development at all when it comes to certain other things so I don't see how it would be a problem for them ahem) But personality and motives wise, he's exactly what people want Eggman to be. A guy who had good intentions of caring and wanting to help others but losing his way, snapping after a tragedy and wanting to do something so evil for it, but ultimately having actions that end up helping to redeem him in people's eyes in the end.

And I love Gerald because that's actually the kind of character he was created to be. People think I hate characters that are capable of both good and evil like Gerald but I just don't like when people say Eggman can do the same. Gerald has that type of interesting complexity that isn't forced randomly out of nowhere. Even though you hardly even get to see him on screen, you can tell it's real and it doesn't feel fake, it doesn't have you scratching your head wondering how it can make sense, it manages to make a real impact and the story telling was done well without them needing to do much.

It's something Eggman doesn't need and doesn't work for him because his true personality is his evil side, he doesn't have Gerald's goodness in his heart or intentions, he doesn't have desire to help people or the ability to care for anyone other than himself, nothing bad is known to happen to make him this way. Being a genius that's strikingly similar in appearance to his grandfather is enough, he doesn't have to be the exact same in personality too come on now. It would lessen the impact that Gerald's character has and makes my point about how it's boring and no longer fun when repeated over and over for every character even more.

It's way more interesting and compelling to me when acknowledging their similarities but also their vast differences. I like how tragic it is that Eggman is an evil selfish horrible person despite having the same intelligence and abilities to do good for the world and help people, which he could do easily if he wanted to follow in his grandfather's footsteps in personality rather than just skill from an academic perspective, but specifically chooses to be evil instead- while his grandfather was kind and really had good intentions and selflessness and a lot of love for those he cares about in his heart.

Trying to draw parallels between them in specific places where they don't work isn't deep and impactful and emotional, it just feels forced and is pretty boring in comparison to the above. What's great about Eggman is that he isn't so predictable, that despite his admiration of Gerald he's still a terrible deeply evil person, and despite Gerald's death, he isn't said to be involved in his reasons to take over the world like that. He's an egomaniac that does everything all for himself and nobody else, he knows he's evil and he acknowledges it and is proud of what he has accomplished in it.

I wish Gerald got more appreciation and the real true evil Eggman would be accepted too, instead of missing the point of what's great about them separately and in comparison with their similarities and vast differences, rather than trying to make them into the same person beat for beat. Pure evil asshole men like Eggman are entertaining and interesting exactly the way they are. Him being a real bastard that can be so dark and serious one minute and a silly cheeky menace the next is great and already gives range and fun, he's far from a boring unlikable character just because he's genuinely evil!

But yeah I love them both for very different reasons overall and wouldn't want them to the same and I don't get why other people seem to. They're both lovable as they are, the way they were really created to be.

[maroonghoul]

Summer of Slashers: Part 4

I've been busy this past week or so. Though I was able to watch three more to qualify for this, and that's going to have to do until August. One of them is, of course, the recently released...

MaXXXine (*Spoilers*)

I guess it's debatable whether this counts as a Slasher now that I've seen it. But the way I see it, X is the closest in this trilogy to a proper slasher, Pearl is one of the American Psycho/Christmas Evil variation, and this one is a neo-noir/neo-giallo. All of subgenres very closely connected. So close enough in my book.

So the good news is, this movie didn't do what I feared it was going to do and make Maxine a killer. I said when I was talking about Pearl that it would've been derivative. What we got instead was more interesting in comparison, in that not only is her capacity for violence consistent from how this character was last time we saw her, but the moral failings she does seem to have offers a more nuanced message here.

Was it a bit obvious to anyone who's seen the first movie that her controlling preacher dad turned out to be the killer? A bit. I was thinking either him or Pearl and Howard had a secret love child coming for revenge. But for me, it was predictable to the extent that was actually still satisfying when it was revealed to be him.

He and his followers at the end of the movie representing the religious conservative insanity going crazy around this time, especially with their cries of Satanic Panic over the most innocuous things. Not to mention, them thinking Hollywood being a hotbed of all the "evil" things they've come to fear. Kinda gave me WNUF Halloween Special flashbacks. (Spoilers for that too, I guess).

But what I found interesting is that, if you're at least paying attention to this movie, the movie industry really isn't that much better. It's care for the human lives ruined and lost in the process is performative at best, and dismissive at worst. (Really, Elizabeth? You had to criticize Molly's acting talent mere days after she's dead? No, it's not canceled out by the moment of silence you just did). Capitalism, like religious fanaticism, treat the masses as just pawns to sway while offering the false idea being you can be special enough to deserve unending praise. It's just that one of them doesn't draw the line of trying to include those of less traditional gender and sexual roles, amongst other things.

Really, the dad's real grievance is that it did his job, using and keeping Maxine under control, better then he ever could. Sure, she's "free" now, even if she's hardened to work in an environment that teaches her not to care for anyone but herself. It's just more opaque that she still has a master to serve in the first place. All this pursuit of artistic expression we've seen in all three films, has left every character either dead or dead inside.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Light side-note, this movie contains I think my favorite meta reference of any movie about making movies: the Universal backlot. Sure, they relatively empty here and they don't call out what movies and shows they're used for. But seeing places like the Courthouse Square and New York Street; it almost feels like stopping by your home town, in a good way. Bonus point for including the Psycho set as a sort of red herring foreshadowing. And speaking of which...

Psycho II (1983)

The original may be the grand...mother of the genre (I regret nothing), even if it's absent of a lot of the tropes we know and love. This not only has more of them, it also almost completely flips the script on who's actually psychotic and who isn't. Norman's character development here mirrors nicely with the original film, with in that one him being Mother is a reveal, and here it's the end of a character arc. ("It's like poetry. They rhyme."). Though the reveal of who the real killer was is a bit out of left-field with the motive, if it wasn't going to be Norman this time, there had to be some hell of a reason, I suppose.

High bar of comparing to the original aside, I can see why this might be a harder watch then the previous one. While that one is a descent into darkness in a way, this one starts as a false promise of the end of darkness, only through sabotage from multiple parties, to letting it come back in. Depressing and less fun. Seriously, was the doctor the only one really on Norman's side in this? This is especially hard hitting after Reagan closed a massive amount of the psychiatric hospitals just a few years before. Maybe that was the inspiration for this.

So yeah, this ended up being the good kind of sad, in a weird way. Also, maybe a little less transphobic??? I would have to think about it.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Yep, the original. This is the only movie on my list I've seen before. This year is it's 40th anniversary and plus there was a screening in town.

You would think this is yet another movie where it's hard to say new stuff about it. I could almost repeat everything I said in my Slasher post a year and a half or so ago. I'm not sure what I have here is new, but it's what I took away from it in this day and age. Ten years later, I'll probably have something else.

The scenes that got the biggest reaction in my screening were none of the scenes involving Freddy, which is crazy enough. But the scenes with Nancy fighting with her mother. I can chalk that up to being surprising to anyone who only knows this movie through pop culture osmosis, but I highly doubt that considering the amount of people there who were in costume. Maybe it's also because it hits a little close to home. The idea of an alcoholic parent, and one you either have to hide stuff from or try to get through to them. Sorry Mom, but protecting your kid from a killer one time doesn't cancel out the negligence you're doing now. Hell, the latter's more what you expect only the parent to do, so it's even less impressive. Again, this shows the consequence of cutting back on psychiatric help on an economic scale, and not just for Nancy, it seems.

It's such an uncomfortable sit 90% of the time everyone dismissing Nancy, whether through disbelief of the supernatural or toxic masculinity in Glen's case. Hot take here, but it's so bad that even Freddy being either his 1st or 2nd most scariest here (Compared to New Nightmare maybe), he's still almost comic relief, in a ghoulish sort of way. Sure, all his time with Tina stops being funny at all really fast. But he seems to really take his time with Nancy. Like this Freddy's not even interested in using his powers to come up with ironic setpiece deaths for his victims yet. He genuinely seems to like the chase. Like a homeless person similar to the one that terrified Wes Craven as a kid; he'd rather show off a trick to the kids...before he kills them.

Maybe, in a sick sort of way, that's why he really took off even with the younger crowd. "Oh look, an adult paying attention to me and actually creating something related to my interest! And bonus points, making sure I don't have to live in the 1980s anymore!" He was always kind of a goofball with infectious energy, wasn't he? Which makes it all the more bewildering there has not been a new movie these past 12 years. Hell, maybe these past 12 years were the actual consequences of no new Freddy movie, not what New Nightmare's about. Sure, Pennywise filled in the gap. But it just doesn't feel right that almost every other slasher villain made a comeback in the past 5 to 10 years, except him and Jason. At least with Jason, his spirit is kept alive with parodies and homages like the one that came out earlier this year. A New Nightmare wouldn't really have to break new ground. Just one that feels like it has the amount of effort and creatively of the previous movies would feel so good about now.

Also, stop trying to make him a child molester. They made the right call cutting that from the original movie.

[harmonymurphy]

It's been a while since I had a conversation with myself here, so here goes. Realized I wanted to make one of my comic characters visually impaired like me but not sure how it should happen. Respectful disability representation vs "write what you know"/"stay in your lane." That sort of thing. Long and rambling as usual. Heck yes sentence fragments.

Years ago I was proofreading one of my stories when I noticed I had included a description of one of my characters leaning in and squinting to see if another had her ears pierced. While writing, imagining myself as that character, that was a perfectly natural thing to say. That's what I'd actually do. But this character was not visually impaired, and it made me realize I needed to try writing a story about a character with my vision.

This story included a prominent character with albinism. While researching it, I found out albinism can cause visual impairment identical to my own - 20/200 with no binocular vision (which is NOT THE SAME THING AS DEPTH PERCEPTION DON"T GET ME STARTED) except for my obvious reduced visual field. The main drawback here was this character wasn't a viewpoint character. It's important to the plot that nobody really knows what his motivations are or what he's up to, so I can write this emotional, character-arc-altering scene where he explains himself. (Just so we're clear, he's not evil.) I can have other characters observing how he holds things up to his face or is always squinting, but I can't describe it from his experience. (Hoping I can share that story in the next five years, but never mind.)

So I have my webcomic idea. I have two teenage siblings it'll initially focus on. I always got the sense the brother is protective of his sister, maybe more so than necessary. I had this scene I wanted to include where the girl is talking to her crush about their plans for escaping their toxic family once they're 18, and for cathartic reasons I imagined her explaining about the potential for her brother to abandon her once he got out, since he's a year older. And I realized that scene wouldn't make much sense if she had normal vision, because she would still get out on her own, it would just be a lot harder. But if she was legally blind like me, it would make a lot more sense that she was depending on her brother's help to get out.

If I had a comic character with my vision, I could show all the little things I do differently, like walking with my head a little tilted/turned to one side and sitting really close to the TV/monitor. So I'm 100% certain she's going to have my vision. But I'm undecided if I want to give her albinism or give her my medical history.

I don't know if it would come across as really self-indulgent/pitying/whatever to have a character based on me telling her friends how she was born with cancer in both eyes and have all her friends being sorry for her or wanting to hug her or help her out, y'know? And I'd have to figure out how to draw all my head-tilting and make it look right. But I like the idea of always having her talk to people while looking at them out of the corner of her eye. That's one of those things I've always done but didn't understand why until recently, but that probably deserves its own post. Of course, I'd also have to show her eternally rubbing at her prosthetic eye. She's from a very poor family and she'd get stuck with a poorly-fitted prosthesis like I grew up with. And she'd always stand/walk on one specific side of people.

If I gave her albinism instead, I wouldn't have to deal with the sad tragic self-indulgent backstory. She'd still have my vision, so all the squinting and such would be the same. I could include the head-tilting in some circumstances, although the reasons would be different. She'd have to wear hats, which could be fun to draw, among other wardrobe considerations.

But since I have no personal experience with albinism, part of me doesn't feel right using it for something so personal. But it's not meant as a gimmick, I would actually be trying to portray it accurately, and I do understand what her vision would be like, so maybe it would be okay? I mean, I can give my characters any disability I want, but this just feels different since it would be drawing from my personal experience with a completely different disability.

I really don't know. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. I don't have to decide now. Lots to think about, lots to research. This isn't really a fully-formed idea in my head, but it's been wanting to get out for weeks, so I'll just post it anyway.