#i didnt even know how badly this was affecting me. i was over the moon the entire day at work

[meanderfall]

not to sound dramatic, but my new bras came in, and they are the best thing to have happened to me in. months, probably. maybe even years.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review , ch 107- 108

se03, ep 6 is weakest ep in se03 despite it being tohru’s long waited focus & having the biggest plot keys & character impactful moments & one of the best pining hug scenes in anime history “ thro the laundry sheets at sunset”. Reading the chapter that starts this ep in the manga made me feel so happy & so angry.. I lament all the subtle yet effective changes & the powerful character-influenced changes that the anime ditched for cheap drama or unexplained wide shot.

-The Art of Subtlety: Power Resides in Words:

In se03, ep 6 when tohru tells kyo that Isuzu will be staying at Kazuma’s, kyo responds that” then Master won’t feel lonely”. Meaning after his imprisonment. Huge gut wrenching moment since kyo doesnt know that tohru knows abt his imprisonment.

The anime chooses to displayed it in their mandatory style of “ kyoru-moment inside shigure house : which is widen the shot so much to include yuki & shigure & flatten the emotional impact to include other characters reaction that has nothing to do with the moment itself... They never consider zooming into the kyo-tohru reactions to their words, then widen the moment o include yuki, shigure, the tv, the woods, kyoko’s grave or the moon if they want to.. Complete lack of understanding of the emotional impact. This isn’t abt romantic lovey dovey moment. This is abt character development. The biggest loser i this design is : Tohru’s emotions. God, I hate how bland she is in the anime in regards to situations that affect HER.

Also, the anime chooses to squeeze in another moment here, which is kyo’s reaction to tohru’s grave visit & still lacks in showing the emotional depth even here & opted for what? yup! you guessed it. Widen the shot to include yuki & shigure. At this point I wonder why kyo & tohru didnt adopt yuki & shigure & took them with them in their house by the end of the story. To complete the tradition of these two poor guys witnessing everything..-_-’. Jokes aside, This doesn't just affect kyo-tohru. But also reflects badly at shigure & yuki. They become an unwanted third-wheels without proper plot or character driven reason. In good story-telling “ forced-third wheeling has a purpose!!”, such as to transfusion to the 3rd character moment or to be later used for the 3rd character driving emotional moment. not just a reminder that characters X & Y live here & therefore see this & that.. This is an example of missing the impactful design of the moment. I dont even understand how can someone miss such basic story-telling devices... 

Lets look at only 3 panels from the manga:

See how in the above panels in the focus is on tohru’s emotions. This is Tohru’s focus why not show her emotions instead of her stupid wide eyed, new eye lashes face & zooming out on tohru to include yuki for no reason!!!!! The anime is capable of focusing on characters pain, we saw that wioth yuki dozens of times. The anime is capable of focusing on showing facial emotions, we saw this with kyo in all his focused eps! Why can’t they give tohru half of that.. Just look, she looks like spacing out thinking of what to cook~ lala~ gotta feed the boys.!! zoom out on her & her purpose on the story~~~~~

-The power of words is unbelievable~~

Kyo’s little sentence of being happy Isuzu will stay with kazuma, destroyed tohru. Look how the manga makes tohru continues to think abt it. You might wonder why will the author do this? The author is building towards tohru realizing her romantic love & uncovering her traumatic attachment to her mom. Reminds you of sth? the 6 or 7 eps that se02 dedicated to yuki where every sentence established his journey towards facing his emotions. In se02, yuki thought abt the words of many characters until he reached his conclusion. The anime refused to give tohru ONE sentence.

-Powerful Character-Influenced Moments:

The manga made rohru leave screaming abt wanting the curse to break before spring. Why? because (a) tohru must be giving time to think abt HERSELF, not the cat or the curse, so tohru wander around thinking abt her mom, we saw that in the anime.  the the moment of shigure tells tohru abt the zodiacs ugly spirit & delight at seeing the cat suffers happens right before kyo finds crying tohru. Why? because (a) it was established that kyo will visit kazuma, so no weird out of no where lover finds lover in the streets for loving support moment, (b) to make kyo’s emotional support to tohru reasonable. In the anime, he saw her crying & comforted her assuming she cried cuz of the grave visit or sth, it was never hinted at anything, cuz kyo never gets any inner thoughts until it is his dramatic moments, but here he comforts her cuz he thinks she’s upset abt Isuzu, why oh why you write this thing out??????????????????????????????????

Not enough eps? but you gave motoko half an ep?!!! Why write off your main protagonist? I dont get it??? why intentional make tohru one-denominational character. Either yuki’s momma or a girl in love.... Is that what women are for the anime? a caring loving mothers & good lovers?

-Shigure’s words are to tohru are so watered down in the anime. Here he connects everything to the major plot of “ zodiacs turing into cute animals ” premise of the story, this is not sth cute as the early story made it out yo be. I love this!!!! why the anime cut it! Tohru screams when shigure brings an unavoidable question. Ask yuki & the the others whom tohru loves & believes they’re the kindest. Ask them of they KNOW kyo will be locked & are relieved! so cruel & shocking thing to thin abnt that shatters tohru’s world! shigure knows tohri will NEVER ask! so true to his character! epic moment! My best shigure-tohri moment! both of them NOT hiding anything & both in theit lowest moment!!  INGENUOUS WRITING!!! so plot-worthy!!! WHY CUT IT!!!

Kyo finds tohru cuz he saw her sad! bringing the realistic aspect of story-telling & ditching the dunb superficial coincidence.

Look at how tohru uncovers her trauma little by little:

parallel between loosing her mom & loosing kyo. By showing this, the readers/ viwer will begin to be prepared to question tohru’s “ I cant love mom more than kyo”. The following chapters will for sure dive into this deeper, writing tohru as more understandably, more flawed., more real. Nothing like a the fixer for grown men, nothing like an angelic mom, nothing like the princess saved by the prince’s love. Basically, nothing like her shallow anime self.

Side Notes:

I was right abt the anime wanting to close Isuzu & Haru’s arc in ep 5, cuz in this chapter we have a lil scene that is the follow up with their plotline. Haru wanting to thank Kureno & asing Isuzu to never risk herself. It’s the little things that add depth to characters.. but I get it Haru in se03 can no longer support yuki cuz yuki have Kakeru, so his plotline is reduced to isuzu’s lover & that was closed in ep 5. Isuzu still had few things to add to the plot in ep 6 which is be tohru’s unfiltered deep talk partner. 

The sad reality of the anime focusing on wide shots lost us yet another good emotional impact besides kyo-tohru moments. This time, we lost kazuma’s reaction to isuzu being held in cat’s room & haru/yuki’s reaction to kazuma’s sadness.. The anime gives us wide shot to include all the room. so,Screw haru & yuki’s reaction???.. they dont care abt the cat? is that it? nope, cuz this reasoning requires emotional depth of hate & disgust. The anime just loves wide shots “ so artistic~” but the real reason, the anime is flying in bullet speed in this ep to include as much as it can to save place for the “ new added moment of kyoru’s united shock” & still include the intro & outro... yep, ep6 is the weakest ep in design...

More on ep 6 in the following chapters, I guess. I’ll stop here this time. I’m so mad.. I’ll calm down & read the flowing two chapters later to articylate proper thoughts.

 I hate hate how tohru was done so dirty! I’m loving everything abt her so far in the manga, but when I remember her in the anime! ugh! I still love kyo & yuki’s anime stories. But tohru, nope. I stopped loving her in se02 once the beach arc is over & she became a full mother to yuki & nothing more. I adore her character & she’s so endearing, but My God, she’s so bland in the anime, just the lightest version of her manga self... so light, it’s a shame she’s a protagonist...

I really wonder how manga readers feel abt the lack of tohru’s focus & lost emotional depth? is tohru even popular in the manga days? I know kyo is popular & i know lots adore yuli’s growth. but what abt tohru? I’m curious how manga readers felt watching her butchered arc in se03?

[imagine-loki]

Choice

TITLE: Choice CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: One Shot AUTHOR: inspired-snowflace 

 ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki assisting his partner in a series of quests to let her see her sister once more in the Underworld. Whilst there, Hades and Persephone offer her a chance to revive one person from the dead. Loki’s thoughts immediately go to Frigga but he knows his love will choose her sister, leading to heartache. RATING: Teen NOTES/WARNINGS: I know that it should be Odin considering Norse mythology but consider this as a crossover of Greek mythology!!!! (You will see why… Also, I hate Odin). Do leave a review!!! Pro tip : read my fic bracelet before this to increase the feels. Enjoy !!! Also, Mentions of death

—–

You had done it. You knew that you had done well as you stood alongside Loki, your boyfriend, in front of Hades and his wife, Persephone. Actually, the Lord of the Underworld had given you a task a few months ago, that could only be achieved through your knowledge of magic. You had asked a single thing in exchange- to see your dead sister. Many years ago, the same magic had killed her, the only one who believed in it.

You hadn’t seen her in years. But today, however, you were sure you would see her as Hades hum of approval mixed with the gurgling of the river Styx behind you.

“Thank you. You have done me a favor and have earned your reward.” Hades bellowed in a voice that seemed to come directly from his throat.

Your eyes twinkled as a servant brought the soul of your sister. You glanced at Loki who was smiling. He wasn’t too happy to be in the Underworld but he still smiled. Even though tears flew down your cheeks, you were grinning and with a look at the couple seated on the throne, you ran towards your sister’s soul and greeted her. She looked exactly like herself, except she was white and hazy, as if she was made out of smoke. You started to peck her on the forehead and cheeks, to the best ability you could kiss a soul. You told your sister everything about yourself and asked her about her afterlife. She smiled and glanced back at Loki when you mentioned that he was your lover. During this conversation you apologised to her a million times for her accidental death. No, that was a lie. You apologised to her a BILLION times. She forgived you with a smile while caressing your hair.

From the corner of your eye, you saw Persephone whisper something in Hades’ ear. He nodded and made a low cough sound in his throat to get your attention. You stood up and moved back, thinking that he meant to imply that it was time for you to go. You stood diagonally in front of Loki.

“Persephone is moved by your love for your sister and she has suggested to me that I should allow you to revive one soul from the dead. And I do wish to let you know that I accept her suggestion.” Hades said.

Loki’s POV :

Revive? Revive someone from the dead? Mother? Frigga? I looked at Y/N with hope. She glanced back at me with excitement bubbling in her eyes and I knew what that look meant. The radiance in me dimmed drastically but I still smiled at her. I hope she didn’t notice the broken smile. Ofcourse, she was going to revive her sister. And why should she not? She had risked her life to see her sister. I can only wonder what she will not do to make her heart beat again. Should I ask her to revive Frigga?? She would gladly do that for me. But is it right?? She was the one who risked her life. No!! but I want Frigga back so badly!! No Loki. Dont put her in an awkward situation. She deserves this. She gave me a look as the energy in her eyes changed. What was that? Understanding? But why? Before I could ask her she turned and went ahead to speak to her sister. She spoke something is a voice too low for me to hear. Her sister grinned and nodded vigorously probably at the thought of being revived back to life.

Y/N moved back and calmly said “How?”

“Well, just think of the person who you want revived” Hades replied. His voice was really irritating.

Y/N closed her eyes and thought hard, putting all her energy into it.

Persephone seemed slightly suprised as she asked “Y/N, are you sure?”

‘Ofcourse lady. You saw her affection minutes ago. Ofcourse she is sure.’ I thought.

Y/N smiled and nodded.

“Fine. Tell me the place and date.” Hades said. Man, his voice was really irritating.

“On the Rainbow bridge in Asgard. On 17th December.” She replied so quickly it seemed that she had revised this reply a hundred times before.

However, the date was caught my attention more. It was a week away. But, that was my birthday!!! Great!!! So Y/N even forgot my birthday. The selfishness started to take over me. So not only had I lost a chance to revive my mother but Y/N wasn’t going to even spent my birthday with me. A day I wished to have her all to myself.

Third POV :

You smiled happily at your idea. You had talked with your sister and decided to revive Frigga instead of her. She assured you that she didn’t even want to come back to the mortal world. She somehow seemed to know everything about Loki and Frigga and had supported your idea.

“She will appear in the morning on the place and date mentioned by you.” Hades explained.

Before you left the Underworld, you asked Hades, “She wont have any problems to come back or after coming back?”

“Dear, that is a promise.”

That is the last you heard of Persephone’s voice along with her sweet smile which gave you the feeling that a flower had just blossomed. The next thing you saw was you and Loki standing on the Rainbow bridge with the palace of Asgard in view. You dragged Loki along with you smiling and glancing back every two seconds. However, you did very well notice that he was trying to cover up his broken smile with a genuine one.

“There is so much to be done. So many preparations to be made!!” you said to Loki.He didnt reply.

Once entering the palace you did EVERYTHING in your power to make the palace look more beautiful than it already was. And when you say everything, you are not to be underestimated. You could see the same pained expression in Loki’s eyes no matter how hard he tried to cover up with a smile. Loki did feel you went overboard when you tended to Friggas garden making pretty little flowers blossom again. Persephone did seem to help you in that arena. He felt sad but never voiced it accross to you. He liked seeing the garden so beautiful once again.

However, his beeaking point reached the limit when he saw you clean up Frigga’s own room. She shared a room with Odin but also had a room to herself. The doors had been closed for so many years. You cleaned up everything, even changed the sheets and dusted everything. Loki was first shocked to see the doors open. But seeing you clean everything made his blood boil.

“Enough Y/N!!!”

You looked back at him and climbed down the ladder you had climbed before rushing over to him. A neutral look on your face.

“Enough of this cleaning! This decorating! Who gave you the permission to open up mother’s chambers? You are preparing day in and day out as if it was the most important day in Asgard.” He screamed bitterly with emphasis on words he found appropriate.

Your face still remained neutral as you walked past him to god knows where.

Great!!! He had finally let his anger get to him and ruin your mood. He would convince you later on. But even you should understand!!! That you just can’t change that room whatsoever. He looked into the room and saw the cresent moons that hung from the ceiling were polished and shiny again. Momentarily, he considered returning the room to its original state but the idea of Frigga’s presence made him delay it. And like that seven days had passed. With you cleaning the palace and preparing for a grand celebration. Loki did apologise for his behaviour but you seemed rather unfazed about the whole ordeal.

Loki was the first to wake up with you shortly afterwards. You just pecked his lips as he caressed your cheek before you ran away to prepare yourself for welcoming the awaited one. He sighed as he saw you run into the bathroom. So you really had forgotten his birthday. You didn’t even wish him. Was your mind so preoccupied that even a simple greeting failed to escape your lips? Not to lie, he did feel a bit jealous of your sister. He felt that she was stealing away you from him. These thoughts constantly kept his mind occupied and he was now standing on the rainbow bridge staring into the horizon.

You had somehow even convinced Thor into coming here. That is, if convincing him was a difficult task. You just had to make puppy eyes and you could even get away for stabbing him. Loki kept smiling every time you stole a look at him but he felt a storm brewing in his heart. And to those who don’t know- That is NOT a good sign. The selfishness just surged through him no matter how many times he reminded himself that you were happy and that was all that mattered. He momentarily considered injuring himself to get your attention. Thor went inside for some reason promising you that he will be back in just a moment after finishing some impending work.

Suddenly, you both saw something glimmer at the end of the golden bridge. The face was not clear but It was seemingly made out of smoke same as your sister, only taller and more golden. A huge grin spread on your face as you gave Loki a quick hug. The smoke slowly shifted forth till it took the form of a body and yet it was quite hazy. But with every step it became clear as if it was on the transition from a soul to a body. You muttered something about Thor missing it. But Loki was too mesmerised to reply. As he watched on, he saw the haze turn into a middle aged woman, wearing a purple colour silk dress and that smile… That smile!!! No way!!! It just couldnot be… Frigga?? He thought. He glanced towards you and your eyes were intently fixed on him rather than the miracle unfolding in front of your eyes. You started to turn hazy in his sight and he wondered whether this was a wishful dream? But he realised that the hazyness was due to the tears welling up in his eyes.You smiled at him and went on your tiptoes to place a kiss on his cheek.

“Happy Birthday, my baby.” You said while holding his hands letting your thumbs caress his knuckles. Moving away you signalled towards Frigga and said “Don’t you wanna give her a hug?”

As if on cue, Loki ran towards his mother, whose misty-ness had disappeared just now and enveloped his arms completely around her, lifting her clean off the feet and with a twirl landing her down. They laughed together for the moment. But then there was a 180 degree turnaround. Loki fell to his knees, crying and apologising numerous times for whatever had happened and his careless behaviour. Frigga helped him up through his shoulders placing a fond kiss on his forehead.

“Now you are a true king” you heard Frigga say.

“Mother, I am no king.” Loki said intertwined with the last sniffles of the earlier cries.

“Oh Loki… You never really understood what we meant, did you? A king is someone who keeps the people around him- his family, his subjects happy. It was never really about a golden throne. It is indeed a suprise that your brother understood this before you did.”

Loki smiled as the truth dawned on him and he locked eyes with you. He need not say anything- You understood how he felt. With Frigga standing directly in front of you, you saw how pretty she really was. An aura radiated off her. Frigga glanced at Loki waiting for a formal introduction of who you are.

But before he could say anything, he heard a bellowing “Mother!!!”. If he hadn’t been so happy he would have rolled his eyes.

“Oh, Thor!!” Frigga exclaimed before he lifted her and twirled her around, the same as Loki did.

Loki and you again locked eyes again, briefly this time and you saw that Loki wanted to say something but the words never came out.

“Mother, how is this possible??” Thor exclaimed, though he didn’t really care much as long as he got to see his mother.

“Oh Thor, you oaf!!” Loki said rolling his eyes. On a much softer note he added “It seems we owe lady Y/N an eternal favor.”

“So Y/N is her name?” Frigga questioned.

“Yes My Queen. My name is Y/N L/N.” you said.

Frigga looked like she wanted to say something but Loki interrupted her.

“Mother, she is Y/N. I am courting her.” You saw how shyly and boyishly Loki said the second line.“Y/N, this is my mother and Queen of Asgard, Frigga.”

“It is a pleasure to meet you, my Queen.” You said bowing slighty.

“Dear, do you even refer to my sons with their titles?” Frigga said. You froze. Oh shit!! Were you even supposed to refer them by their titles?

“I… actually… umm….”

The three of them laughed at your sudden discomfort.

“Awww… Dear Y/N, being courted by the God of Mischief I thought you would get that one.”

“Y/N, you should really stop hanging out with my oaf of a brother. I am afraid you are becoming dumb like him.”

“Loki” Frigga said and playfully smacked his shoulder.

Frigga stepped forward and cupped your face “Dear, call me Frigga or since you are Loki’s lover, call me mother. If you are comfortable with that. Ok?” You nooded with a slight blush.

“Mother, by the way, she was the one who revived you from the dead.” Loki said.

Frigga raised her eyebrows and asked “is that true, beloved Y/N?” again you just nodded.

“For that I am most thankful.”

“Really, lady Y/N we cannot thank you enough for this blessing. But how?”

You exhaled. “I revived your mother instead of my sister.”

The truth suddenly dawned on Loki. That is why Persephone asked you whether you were sure! That is why you mentioned his birthdate! That is why you were preparing the entire palace! That is why you opened Friggas room!! It was all a choice you made!!!

You were teary eyed but Frigga placed a warm hand on your shoulder, “Come on now, Let us all go inside and converse. You don’t plan to stand outside the whole day, do you?”

The four of you went inside with Thor and Loki telling their mother everything between the sun and earth that she missed. There was laughing too, as Thor and Loki constantly told her embarassing events about each other. There were flowers on the floor which were laid to welcome Frigga. You all directly headed to her room. Outside Thor paused for a moment telling the guard to annouce in the whole of Asgard that their Queen has returned. He also asked the guard to send a message to Odin and was discussing the details.

Meanwhile, Loki, Frigga and you entered her chambers and Frigga asked you to sit beside her. Suddenly noticing your boots, Frigga said “Oh! Are you a Midgardian?”

You immediately remembered what had happened to Jane when Odin came to know that she was a Midgardian. Thor had told you about everything. Tensed and breaking into cold sweat, you didn’t reply. From the corner of the eye, you saw Loki was equally tensed since he didnt really know his mothers view on Midgardians.

Frigga looked up to Loki and smiled genuinely, “You and your brother sure have an eye for Midgardians!” Loki smiled shyly and your tension slowly ebbed away.

“After all, they are so pretty and smart.” Thor chose to add the moment he entered.

Loki rolled his eyes but you could see the hint of a smile on his face.

“…But I do have powers.” You said, your insecurity still biting you.

Before Frigga could say anything, Loki added “Yes mother, she can do magic just like us. She is also very strong. Once, she even lifted Thors beloved, oh-so-powerful hammer!!”

“Brother!!! That was only once.”

“If once then a million times” Loki boasted proudly but Frigga just laughed.

They stopped their bickering and you three fixed your eyes on her.

“Oh my dears, it is nothing. I am laughing because I really did miss all of this. And I must add here Y/N, that you must be very precious to Loki for this is the first time I have seen him defend and boast about someone other than his own self.” Frigga said after her laughter died.

You and Loki went red as a rose. Momentarily, It seemed like a competition of who could turn colour the most.

But Loki won the competition with Thor’s next sentence accompanied with his wiggling eyebrows- “Brother, so when are you getting married to lady Y/N? and on the night of the marriage—”

His words were cut short by Loki screaming Thor’s name and Loki started to chase Thor through the corridor. You glanced at them and then the grinning Frigga.

Without a warning Frigga started, “Y/N, I know that I thanked you for bringing me back to life but there is something more precious you have gifted me- Loki’s happiness. He seems genuinely happy when he is with you. I remember Loki as a child, he loved to listen to love stories and all those happy endings. He used to say, ‘Mother, one day will I also fall in love and live happily ever after?’ “. You noted that here Frigga became slightly grim. "But when he realised that he was a frostgiant, he started to note how the villain always lost and convinced himself that he was doomed to the same fate. He considered himself a monster that did not deserve a ‘happily ever after’. After Odin sentenced him to prison, I went to visit him. I tried to be cheerful and told him that I was going to the library and I could bring something he needed from there. He asked me to do a favor and burn all the romance novels right in front of his eyes.

‘Mother, you lied to me! You told me that even I would find a happy ending… but no. Not I. Why is it mother that everyone finds happiness, everyone finds love, EXCEPT ME? It seems that nature has a personal grudge against me. But mother atleast you should not given me false hope!’

‘Loki, I didnt give you false hope…’

‘Oh really,mother? Lets just drop the drama shall we? Who do you think will fall in love with me? Look at what I am? Look mother! It is not your son! It is a failure, a lonely monster, someone who lost to a measly race, someone who was always deemed to remain in the shadows of his glorious brother! But know that I will not kneel, not beg to find love’. ”

Frigga said reminiscing. You had tears in your eyes but so did Frigga.

“I really felt like I had failed as a mother that day. I used to feel so helpless to see him cry himself to sleep every night. He used to keep an illusion but I could still see through it. And now he has that happy ending. With you. Thank you for being my son’s saviour. But…”

Oh no!! There was the word you dreaded, the word of non acceptance and of rejection- “But…”

“….But I fear he can’t really have a happy ending. I think he was right about that part. And trust me my dear it pains me as much to say this. If you do get married to him, I am afraid you won’t be able to bear his child. A mortal, even with superpowers at that, won’t be able to give birth to a half frost giant child. Either you will die or the baby or both… I am so sorry, dearest Y/N, I wish-“

Frigga froze. The sudden pause make you look up at her and after following her gaze you saw…. LOKI!!!

OH SHIT!!! You were praying that he hadn’t heard what was being said. But the tears in his eyes told you otherwise. Coming fully into view from behind the door, his face screamed clearly- “I heard everything you said.” You wanted to say something. Anything!! That could cheer Loki up. But you sat there as still as a painting.

“Brother, remove these chains around my legs now, will you? I promise I won’t speak to lady Y/N about-” Thor said running to the chamber with his feet and hands wrapped in chains. But seeing your solemn faces he stopped midway realising something was wrong.

“Yes, brother, I surely will. But could you do me a favor in return? Can you remove the chains around my neck too? Or rather could you just tighten them so they can take my life away peacefully and not choke me every moment I live?” Thor looked confused at these words but Loki was just staring at you.

Frigga had tears flowing down her eyes but you just sat there holding your breath like a perfect painting. Loki turned to march outside Frigga’s chambers. The moment your eye contact broke you snapped out of your daydream. You looked at Frigga for help but she had given up already. You got up to ran behind Loki but he was gone. He was not even in the corridor! You turned back to look at Thor and told him that if you required help you would send a telepathy message to him. You immediately sent a telepathy asking him to take care of Frigga. He nodded.

You quickly ran from the room frantically searching for Loki. You tried to ask the guards but that ended in a dead-end due to Loki’s invisibility. Your throat was burning from screaming his name non stop but you couldnt care less. You had to reach to him and you had to do it NOW. You checked everywhere- the kitchen, your bedroom, the secret passages but there was no sign of him. Then you remembered- the garden. Ofcourse!! He would go to Frigga’s garden. He had spent quite a lot time there lately and you were sure he would be there.

You quickly teleported to the garden, leviating to prevent any twigs from cracking and giving you away. Indeed, you spotted him sitting amongst the rose bushes on a bench with his legs held closely to his chest by his hands and tears flowing like a waterfall. He sensed the presence of your magic though.

“Go away.” He whispered hoarsely.

You sighed audibly and sat down beside him. The place provided a picturesque view of the fountain ahead as the roses overwhelmed your nasal nerves. The place would be perfect for a beautiful after morning if not for the situation. You didn’t look towards Loki. Not just yet. But then he suddenly encased your body in his strong arms, almost knocking you behind. You slowly started to caress his hair and waited for him to speak even though you knew what exactly was the problem. Between sobs you heard what he managed to put out despite the burn in his entire body, including his throat-

“Pretty Y/N, Why does it always have to be me? Why am I burdened with all the bad luck in the whole of nine realms? What did I do wrong, Y/N, What? I got a girl better than anything that I deserve, my mother had come back to life, I was planning to propose you for marriage, my life was perfect for just this one moment. Y/N, why did even that had to be taken away from me? I am that UNDESERVING of love? Of happiness? Y/N,if I am to lead a life under these burdens, then why am I shown the beacon of hope? WHY Y/N, WHY?”

“Loki…” was all you managed out at first. The sincerity in his words made everything hurt more, if that was possible.

For his sake, you choked the words out-

“Loki… I dont have the answer to all of your questions. But I will do tell you answer to questions asked or not. You are deserving of every drop of love that fall on your precious body and so, so, so much more.. And you will not have anything taken from you, not me, not your mother, not Thor… not in this moment atleast. And know that I love you with all my heart and am going to spend the rest of my life with you, whether you approve of it or not. And I know that you love me back equally, if not more. Also, about bearing your child. Loki, we are sorcerers, one of our task in itself is making the impossible, possible. We have enough time. We can figure out something. We WILL figure out something.” Even though tears were rolling down your cheeks, you cupped his face and kissed his forehead.

Loki started to talk again slighty calmer than before. “Y/N, you know what mother had said was true. After I discovered my true heritage,I thought of avenging myself on my lover. I always thought that if a woman ever made the mistake of falling in love with me I would break her heart into a million pieces. I wished to inflict the same heartbreak that was inflicted on me by everyone I trusted and cared about. I promised myself to never kneel, to never beg in front of her. But-“

Loki went on his knees and connected the sole of your feet with his palms and slightly gripping your heels to prevent you from flinching away. He then rested his forehead on your knees halfway through talking.

“But Y/N, I stand as a beggar at you feet. Kneeling, utterly at your mercy. Y/N, please grant me the pleasure of you company, the luxury of feeling your love. For surely, love is a luxury to me. Please accept my love for you too. Please swear your vows of eternal faith to me. Y/N, I might be a prince, but infront of you I am nothing. But I will accept the title of a prince for that will make you what you truly deserve to be- a princess. And I will find a way to enable you to bear my children without being hurt.” He started sobbing again and you feel that in the of the cloth warmth near your knees.

“I dont know how you were meant to be with a failure, a monster like me, but Y/…Y/N please, please, whatever you do dont leave me.. don’t let me drop deep down that dark abyss again. Please, Y/N, please make this choice.”

You would have been convinced that a paralysis had struck you, had you not been able to hear your heartbeats in your ears.

“Oh Loki!!! I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH!!” You said flailing your arms around him causing him to fall on his back. You exchanged a passionate and fierce kiss before pulliing away to be able to breathe.

“I love you too Y/N”

“Lets go back to the castle, your brother and mother will be waiting for us!!”

Yoou and Loki walked back to the castle, his hand gripping yours tightly; for in this one moment, he had found his ‘happily ever after’….

—-

A/N : If you do like my fics, please check out my blog, inspired-snowflace, for more !!! (Also, all my writings are not so feelsy!!)

[michikoroko]

Dear Self,

You've been away from home for about 3 months now, been living the 'dream' that you've worked hard on, for so long. You were excited to leave before your 26th birthday because getting older in a foreign city somehow fascinated you. It was your way to welcome change. You've brought everything you thought you'd be needing. And your heart was light and ready to explore new horizons. Unlike others you carried no grief about the move, you were confident your independence could get you anywhere and that living alone while working on your new career should be a piece of cake.

The first few weeks were the best. Everything was new, you tried to figure things out on your own, the rent, the food, the bills, and your room decor. It wasn't easy, but you got by. You found comfort in the hearts of your friends. Friends who shared the same brain wavelengths as you.

You enjoyed the random beer nights, sleepovers, afternoon card sessions, karaoke, food trips, chit chats and mall errands. And amidst all of this you didnt realize how your life began to change.

Soon enough the days became longer and your circle became smaller. It was okay, you thought, you didnt need a lot of friends anyways, just a few you could trust and have fun with. But be honest that there were times you wished you'd known some other people. To let your mind drift away from all the thoughts that boggled you. Thoughts that you've always wanted to grasp. But it seemed like the more you wanted to interact, the less human beings enticed you to engage into meaningful conversations. You realized that you are really different and that there aren't many souls that matched yours after all. You begin to believe that life is truly hard, but fair. Giving you your dream job, a nice home and a happy family, but not letting you experience the sparks that you've been missing, the thrill of the unknown, the heartbeat of being dazed, and heck being inlove.

With a heart like yours it has been difficult, right?

It's difficult when you have the ability to turn everything into words, and they do not 'dare' to understand you. And when you try to put your feelings into actions, they misinterpret you. A lot of people are very conventional, whether they admit it or not. You, you see through people and know, right off the bat if they have a place in your life or not. If you will click or not. Yes, you like them shoulders broad and arms tattooed, their eyebrows thick and smiles wide. Golden skin, taller than you, man, there are a lot of them. But, those are all just trivial things. What you really want is someone who will have the guts to enter the corners of your mind to wake up your soul. Someone who will be consistently in your life, to be with you in trying times and winning moments, not just when it is convenient. It'll take one conversation. Just one conversation, for you to know. And it has been both a blessing and a curse, for you have already broken hearts, and had your heart broken a couple of times for this. But be still. And do not be sad over the people who came and left. No one can steal the love you were born to find.

Same goes with friends, right? You have a lot of friends but not everyone sees you beneath. There are some things that you couldn't open up to certain people, because, not everyone will understand you. That doesn't mean you are unworthy to be called a buddy, and to be honest, it's hard but that's okay. Still, you show no fake affection, and talk nothing behind their backs. Keep that.

But back to the realization, I knew you were not really fazed by all of that, my dear self. Because it was something that you've been feeling on and off already for almost 2 to 3 years now. Your mindset was clear. Retreat if your lips do not unconsciously curve into a smile. Go all in if your heart jumps out of your chest.

At present, going into your fourth month here, how would you describe your life now? It has definitely turned around, yes? You thought you were independent, but being here made you miss your mom like a baby. When things got harder and you cried you hoped she was just next door scrolling through her work mails, and you could just barge into her bed, slip over her blankets and whine about everything.

Call her more. Tell her random stories. Update her about your flights. Ask her what she's been up to, and tell her to rest.

You thought you will never go hungry with your cooking skills, but there were nights when you can't even lift a finger to cut an onion, because you were too tired or lazy, so you just sleep.

Get up and carry that ass. Cook for yourself like what you've been doing before. Search for new recipes online and post stories of your fake cooking show. Feel like a chef again. You really need to gain weight to survive.

And sleep? You thought sleep is your healing because back home, you just sleep through everything when something is bothering you, but here, it's so precious and it comes once in a blue moon. There is something about this city, and this job that makes you want to sleep, but you just couldn't. Lucky if you are able to snooze for 3 hrs or so. It's just so weird.

Don't sweat it. If you cannot sleep, go for a walk, visit a 24hr cafe, ride a motorcycle and feel the night breeze. Eat ramen with cheese. Watch that untouched series in your netflix account. Do not let life slip away as you try to close your eyes even if you badly wanna live by the moment.

And dear, you thought you never needed someone to breathe air into your lungs, but here is this person making you feel more human.

Give love when there's love to give. But do not forget who you are.

There, you've listed everything that goes on with your life so far. The bills are manageable. The workload is doable. Your new environment is actually very dynamic. This is what you've been looking forward to. But are you happy?

Do you still wake up every day with a sense of purpose or pride? Do you smile when no one is looking or you just try to get by each time?

Now picture this. How beautiful it is that the best days of your life are yet to come? If you are confused, hurting or uneasy, lift up your worries to Him and let yourself be healed. Be patient because you will have your time. There are many other places that you will explore. Books that you will read and music that you will hear.

Someone will look at you in the eyes and tell you they love you, inspite of everything. That love may come in gently like how the autumn leaves fall into places. Or it may come in crashing waves unto your shore, without a warning. Promise me, that you will welcome it with open arms. Promise me that no matter how hard life could be to you, you will not be bitter, but better. Promise me, self that even if someone hurts you, deliberately or not, you will not stop being a good person. And by good I mean someone who forgives. Someone who moves on. Someone who tries again on her own.

Fighting!

[kitkatcadillac]

this is a... crummy, crummy post, and you should ignore it, but idk. its more (possibly ill placed?) apologies and not a whole lot of action to fix what im apologizing for. not for lack of wanting or anything, i just?? dont know how to fix it. i dont know what im doing.

i am. sorry. if you try to talk to me sometimes and the conversations are brief and kind of awkward. ive always known my mental health and ability to socialize were on the downward slope since my dad’s shitty dirtbag girlfriend came into the mix and my family fell apart (so about six years now), but i never really realized until recently how badly it’s affected me.

back then i still had family and nearby, irl friends to come and either pull me out of my room or hang out with me almost all the time. i stayed in my room or avoided a lot of people around the house, but i always had friends or my brother or dad to talk to. (also therapy and medications, which helped vjsjf)

but around when my dad passed, that sort of worsened. id lock myself up and avoid people. never really had to leave my room, since it had a bathroom and a minifridge. but i still had people whod come try to talk to me.

when i got kicked out of my house and moved to VA, though, that changed. i lost my dad. my brother and me got separated, we see each other maybe once every other week. i lost almost all of my friends, and the ones i have i have trouble connecting with; theyre just other long distance friends now, who i also share brief and sort of awkward attempts at conversation with. when i got here, i didnt realize how bad that was. i knew it, and i felt it in some ways, but it never really *clicked.*

and im thinking, and im marvelling... that when i got here, people wouldnt see or hear from me in days. they werent even sure if i was home, or if id eaten, or anything like that. it could be days, or a couple weeks in some extreme cases, before anyone saw me if they didnt come pull me out of my room. and i wouldnt talk to anyone. i didnt want to, for awhile. not at first. i was hurting. i didnt trust anyone. so much of my family was still fighting with me and my brother over stupid shit, and it still felt like my dad’s body wasnt even cold yet. i hated everything.

but now im, like... feeling the effects. in a lot of ways ive changed, and healed; im feeling that i dont connect with anyone, and i want to have friends! i love people again in theory, and i love love LOVE the people ive managed to surround myself with in my online spaces, and i like to bother my brother and aunt and uncle and cousin sometimes just to go someplace, do something, get out of this awful, shitty box i lock myself in once in a blue moon. not frequently! it takes some weeks and its usually an impulse, but i take what i can get.

but i realize... that outside of my job, 95% of the time nobody ever, like... sees me...... come out of my room. because i dont. i dont know how anymore. even on the days i DO feel okay and want to come out, im almost always deathly afraid of being caught by the people who live here, who have the goodness in their hearts to let me live with them. because of course theyll wanna talk to me, and theyll have questions. they love me! they worry, and they havent seen me in forever. days. a week. did i work today? have i worked on driving? did i get my mail? am i looking for classes? hows the korean going? talk to your friends lately?

i dont know... how to answer those questions. i dont know how to talk to my coworkers, or my family, or my friends, no matter how badly i want to. i dont know what to do, or how to ask for anything. i dont know how ive kept it up for so long. i dont think anyone realizes how bad it is because they never see me, and when they do its just. brief. im perky, and cheerful, and at the minimum i can keep pace for about the time it takes to give a full Customer Service Experience(tm), since im well practiced in that.

but i cant fathom how anyone can live like this. somehow being around people i feel i should be able to communicate with makes me feel more distant than ever. i dont know how much i can take, or how i really got this far in the first place.

but im sorry i dont know how to connect anymore. im sorry i waste your time with subpar relationships and an inconsistent presence. i havent been all-there in a long time, anyway, i dont think. im sorry i made you think otherwise.

but i hope you know you all mean a lot to me, and i do genuinely treasure the time im gifted. youre so wonderful and kind and warm and talented, and im so blessed. but please never let me being sick and slow and stubborn or apathetic slow you down or hurt your feelings in any way. always do whats good for you.

im sorry i say ill do so much. one day ill know how to again. maybe.

[tired-af-p]

2017 year in review (mental health wise)

January: Got discharged from IP not because my ed was better (the main reason i was admitted), not because my sleep and mood was better but because a lady who was manic was accidentally admitted to our ward was constantly shouting and my PTSD got progressively worse. They assigned me to a private dietician outpatient and discharged me. My mood dropped really low because i didnt know what to do with myself outside hospital.

February: The month of trauma anniversaries. I was dreading every moment of it. My T decided that i was avoiding everything by being in GR this month so she challenged me to be in CY for the anniversaries. The first weekend in CY my best friend had a birthday party at a club and despite the clubs being a huge trigger, my T told me to go. I had flashbacks and panic attacks. I left so distressed and drove home to another city having flashbacks. I spend the next two weeks in bed sleeping my days away because i couldnt face them. I was diagnosed with depression and my T admitted that it was her mistake.

March: Barely remember the month. I was really depressed and most days spend in bed.

April: We started Exposure therapy that was supposed to last 4 months, not everything went as planned and we are on month 9 and still going. First on the list was fear of dark and i had to sleep in the dark. It took us almost 2 months because my anxiety wasnt reducing but increasing. I had some of the worst nightmares, waking up crying and choking myself.

May: I decided that i wanted to do Prolonged Exposure therapy for PTSD, when i was ready so i had to stay one more year in GR. We had huge fights with my parents when i announced it to them. They didnt care why. They didnt ask what is PTSD and what is PE. They only cared “what would the world say?”. I remember going into sessions and i would just cry and not talking at all. I remember T was so desperate to make me talk (i used to have selective mutisism and when im really low or in destress it kicks back in) that she would make us sit on the floor because its my safe space for some reason.

June: Went back to CY for a few days and it was a huge mistake. My parents werent talking to me, only talked to me to tell me how disappointed they are, how i should be done with therapy already, how they are not giving me more money to stay in GR (at the moment they were just paying my rent). I felt really unwanted and like no one understands me. I took a huge overdose and ended up in ER unable to walk or lift my head. The nurse told me “a few more minutes and you wouldnt make it”. I think i did everything worse because my parents wouldnt talk to me and wouldnt let me back to GR as “therapy isnt helping”. I dont know how but ive managed to convince them otherwise.

July: After the attempt for some weird reason, my mood lifted!! I felt happy after months of being miserable. I stopped seeing the ed dietitian because i couldnt afford her and she wouldnt compromise but also because i didnt want her help. I started applying for jobs.

August: The month of no therapy! I returned to CY and my ED took a turn for the worse. I started restricting badly. Watching food videos all day long. Dropping weight fast. Unable to think of anything else.

September: I returned back to GR and therapy. I told my therapist about the restriction and weight loss and she said “im going to let you do what you do until you are emotionally dysregulated”. I felt really invalidated but also sort of happy that i could continue restricting. I also felt that i wasnt worth any help because i was too big (obese due to medication) to have an ED and i didnt meet the criteria for any disorders. I made it my goal and continued to lose weight. I started volunteering and finally meeting people! My mood was high. I was happy.

October: I started opening up about family related trauma and started to feel my therapist really close. I also started to voluntarily “work” at my gym, helping the instructor at bodypump classes! I used to work as a bodypump instructor and i loved it so much, so i was over the moon. This didnt help with my ED though. I went to a bunch of interview for work but i got rejected to all of them.

November: I signed myself to volunteering for a lot of hours because that meant that i was out of the house for a lot of hours and thus i couldnt eat. I wasnt allow to sit at all because i was laying enough hours when sleeping. My therapist kept saying that i look very tired, my mood started to drop and not eating started affecting everything. My therapist started focusing more and more on food and finally started calling it a disorder (although not fully naming it). We barely started talking about my family. She was hugging me in almost every session (she only hugs me when we have difficult sessions or when i ask her to). Sleeping went out of the window and i started talking less and less.

December: We stopped having exposure therapy and we were using both days as normal therapy sessions talking a lot about food and my family. T said “You’ve been through a lot, you didnt have an easy life. The worst things that could happen to a child you experienced them”. The last two weeks of session we dedicate them on Christmas break and if i should return to CY. My therapist expressed how much she cares about me and loves me and wants me safe and that meant a lot. I didnt have an option so i came home for Xmas. Two days prior to my returned T send me to a psychiatric er because i couldnt calm down. That night we talked until 3am because i wasnt safe. I felt really bad because she had to wake up early for work and i kept her up. We had a session the following afternoon and she told me she is extremely worried about me and she wants me to text her daily. When i returned back to CY, everyone commented on my appearance and how much weight i lost and it felt both nice and awful at tne same time! I was also angry because how come they congratulate me for losing double digit kilos in 4 months? They even asked me for tips! My ed got worse as in CY i loose weight a lot easier. My rituals and rules got worse.