#i do not have the emotional bandwidth to go to the doctor again. making that call then walking there to look my wonderful doctor in the eye | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

young-dumb-and-vaccinated · 3 years

Text

The Sommelier (Hannigram x Female!Reader) pt. 5

More people said yes to Hannigram, which is good because Will is already involved in the plot and it would be awkward to have him just disappear. Also, I had someone request a Hannigram x reader in my asks. Apologies to the one person who voted no; I promise there will be more solo Hannibal x reader content in the future.

Hannibal decides to that y/n could do with some extra protection, but doesn’t anticipate what she has to tell him.

I have no idea how to make a proper tag list but @deadman-inc-bikeshop and @dovahdokren here you go

Trigger warnings: discussions of alcohol, victim blaming

“When I saw his face, I immediately knew he had never once experienced the touch of his own hand, let alone that of a woman.” Charissa read out loud to everyone on staff. “Or, that he was buried so deep in the closet he found Narnia, but those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.”

It was expected to be a slow night, as was normal for an ordinary Tuesday. On nights like those, you could get away with more, like reading a tabloid article out loud for everyone to hear.

“I can’t believe [F/N] actually went public.” One of the new busboys commented. “What an absolute madlad.”

“Did you just unironically use reddit terminology in an actual conversation?” You narrowed your eyes at the kid.

“[F/N], you are making a very dangerous enemy.” An older waitress said, cryptically, from the corner of the room.

“Who, Jason?” You gestured to the busboy. “What’s he gonna do? Make me cringe myself to death?”

“You know that’s not who I mean.” She frowned. “I’m talking about Chase Mulvaney.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” You shook your head. “He’s not stupid enough to come back here.”

Charissa made a noise that denoted her doubt. “I dunno, [F/N]. You’d have to be pretty stupid to start stabbing people at a crowded restaurant in broad daylight.”

“But he was smart enough to get away, right?” Jason asked. “That’s gotta count for something!”

You and Charissa exchanged glances. Neither of you had the emotional bandwidth to explain white privilege again. Instead, you just humored him.

“Yeah.” Charissa lied. “He was smart enough to get away, meaning he probably knows better than to come back.”

"You're kidding yourself." A third waitress, who's name you couldn't seem to place, added. "People always say that killers are these galaxy-brained superhumans, but they're not. Mulvaney believes he's divinely ordained, so any thought that pops into his coked-out head is a sign from god."

And so shattered your thin firmament of denial. You made a point to never learn this person's name just out of spite.

“Oh, shit.” You said, trying to hide your genuine fear with a sarcastic voice. “Maybe he is coming back for me.”

Charissa glared at the two other waitresses, equally pissed at them for scaring you.

"And it'll be your own fault for provoking him with that article." The older waitress said.

"Holy victim-blaming, batman." You mumbled.

“Alright, listen up, y’all.” Matthew announced to the group. “In ten minutes we open for dinner. Remember, if you want to switch shifts with another person, you have to run it by me first. I don’t want to see anybody but [F/N] at the bar tonight, capiche?”

“Yessir.” You saluted him and made your way over to the bar. You’d been doling out your bartending shifts left and right to avoid even the possibility of being cornered by another Freddie Lounds. You were only prolonging the inevitable, though. Eventually, you needed to return to the bar.

You passed the hostess's stand, where Charissa was stationed. Suddenly, you felt someone grab at your arm.

"Fucking hell, dude?!" You flinched violently and your heart rate jumped. "Don't do that!"

"Shit, sorry!" Charissa looked immediately regretful. "But, look!"

You followed her gaze through the window where a fancy car was parked. He leaned against the door, adjusting the cuffs of his dress shirt.

Now your heart was beating fast for a completely different reason. You squeezed Charissa's hand, trying to keep a lid on your nervous excitement.

"I think your luck's starting to turn." She said in a sing-songy voice.

"Yeah, I bet he'll protect me from the Baltimore Butcher." You whispered, trying not to giggle like an elementary school girl.

"Oh, could you imagine those arms around you?" She sighed deeply, her hand firmly against her chest. "I would die."

"Not until he sinks his teeth into your neck." You smirked, gnashing your teeth together.

"I would let him." She rested her chin on her hand.

"Yeah, me too." You agreed.

"I would give anything to trade shifts with you." Charissa groaned.

"Well, you heard the boss." You shrugged, suddenly feeling much better about your assignment. "I gotta stay behind the bar."

"Oh, pobrecita." Charissa rolled her eyes. Underneath the stand, she put up her middle finger in your direction. "Suck a dick, [L/N]."

You walked backwards towards the bar, keeping your eyes on your friend. "That's the plan, baby."

You tried to make yourself look busy. You dared not look at him as he entered the restaurant.

He exchanged pleasantries with Charissa then took his seat at the bar. You pretended not to notice him right away, only to give you an extra second to compose yourself.

"Hi there." You greeted, knowing you'd feel stupid no matter what you said. "Er- good evening."

"[F/N] [L/N], I assume?" He asked.

Fuck, you thought. His voice was dark, low and made your insides tremble. Even though part of you knew he was going to know your name, it still felt so sensual passing his lips.

You realized you had waved to him with your bandaged hand. That's how he was about to identify you so quickly. "Yes, I am she. I mean- her. Me."

Way to go, dumbass. You thought. Now he knows you're nervous and he's going to wonder why.

“God, I need to stop wearing this damn thing.” You said, clearing your throat. “What can I get for you tonight?”

He was quiet for a moment. "What do you recommend?"

"Well, that depends." You said, pulling your gaze from him and grabbing a few wine glasses down from a high shelf. It was the only way you could maintain your composure.

"On?"

"What you're having for dinner, for one." You said. "And whether or not you're a vulpine tabloid journalist trying to corner me into a dubiously ethical interview. That's also a factor."

"So that's how Miss Lounds wore you down?" He concluded. "With wine?"

You rested your elbows on the bar, filled with an intoxicating confidence. "She tried wine first. Then she tried to get me fired because she asked for chardonnay and I brought her chablis. And when that didn't work, she siphoned my gas."

"I wish I could say that was out of character for her." He looked at you, apologetically.

"I take it you've had your own run-ins with Freddie?" You smiled.

"She's tried to infiltrate my practice multiple times." He sighed. "She's entered my office under a fake name with a recording device in her purse."

"What a sick fuck." You said, before remembering you really weren't supposed to curse in front of customers. You covered your mouth. "Sorry."

The corners of his mouth turned up into an amused smile. "Don't apologize. You're right."

“So you’re a doctor?” You asked, hoping he wasn’t the type to be offended by questions.

“I’m a psychiatrist.” He nodded. “I used to work as a surgeon, but I find the mind much more compelling.”

"Seriously, though." You pushed yourself back to your feet. "What can I get for you?"

He eyed the wine menu and then looked back at you. "What is your favorite red?"

"My favorite red?" You placed your hand on your collarbones. "On a night like this, I enjoy a nice, dry Argentinean Malbec."

"In that case," he thumbed through the list once more. "I'll have a bottle of Cobos Chañares from 2016, please."

You smiled. You wouldn't mind taking a sip of that if he offered. "Right away."

You carefully pulled the solid black bottle from its crevice and placed it on the bar. You removed the plastic seal and reached for the corkscrew. The bottle opened with a satisfying pop, filling the air around you with the strong, complex and seemingly contradictory aromas.

You poured a bit of this criminally expensive wine into his glass. He smelled it, then swirled it for a moment before taking a sip.

"Redcurrants and vanilla," he began. "With floral notes that operate with the precision of interlocking gears in a clock. Everything in its place."

"So you're a sommelier and a poet?" You tilted your head and filled his glass. "I'll bet you make women swoon at every corner."

You never had the best grasp on flirting, but even you knew that line was awful.

“Are you flirting with me, Miss [L/N]?” He asked, clearly not too worried about the consequences and enjoying the flattery. “Or are you just trying to get a taste of this Malbec?”

“Little bit of column A, little bit of column B.” You shrugged. “Though you are as handsome as everyone says, I’ve had my eyes on that wine for slightly longer.”

You fought the urge to slap your hand over your mouth. You had just broken the cardinal rule of workplace gossip. Panic reverberated through your body as you tried to break down his unreadable expression.

Once again, he just looked amused. “I’ve seen those lingering glances, the way you all whisper and giggle. It’s flattering.”

You felt your cheeks growing hot. “...I see.”

“If you tell me what they say about me, I’ll let you have a taste.” His eyes bored into yours.

You paused, trying to decipher exactly what he was offering. Then it hit you.

“Oh!” You interjected. “The wine.”

“Yes, that’s what I meant.” He said. “Dare I ask where your mind went?”

Your cheeks stung from all the uncomfortable smiling. “I’d really like to keep my job, thanks.”

“Have you never heard of bartender-client confidentiality?” His voice lowered and his eyes found your lips. “Nothing we say tonight has to leave these four walls.”

Your insides turned to jelly. He rested the wine glass in his hand and offered it to you. Your hands shaking, you cradled the glass like an 18th century French village prostitute being offered a mug of hot soup. You brought the glass to your lips, the strong, overwhelming smells assaulting your orifices.

You let the wine grace your tongue. You had taught yourself to overcome the sting of the alcohol and focus on the undertones. Your eyes rolled back in to your head and you let out a little noise of pleasure.

“Christ on a bike, that’s decadent.” You said, gasping for air a little bit. You quickly passed the glass back to him before Matthew could see you. “Thank you.”

“Now, indulge me.” He instructed, glancing at the fresh pink lipstick mark on his glass. “What do the lovely women of Terroir whisper while I’m just out of earshot?”

You rested your elbows on the bar and leaned in close. “They say you’re a vampire.”

Judging by his unchanging neutral expression, it clearly wasn’t the first time someone had made that connection. “Perhaps they’re on to something.”

“One of our line cooks used to say you were the devil.” You informed him, hoping that was one he hadn’t heard before.

“Used to?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Until Chase Mulvaney came around.” You instinctively ran your fingers over your bandages, as if to make sure they were still there. It was a nervous tick you’d developed anytime someone brought up that day. “He’s stopped talking about, like, anything having to do with his religion ever since.”

“It takes a lot to get an evangelist to stop evangelizing.” He refilled his glass. “Do you think he lost his faith?”

“I heard someone say in passing that it was because he and Chase Mulvaney went to the same church.” You whispered. “But I can’t verify that.”

“I’d say it’s more likely than a regular customer being a vampire, wouldn’t you?”

“I wouldn’t trust their word because they made a regular customer into a vampire.” You corrected, hoping he would overlook the fact that you were one of them. “Secrets may stay within these four walls, but they tend to bounce around. It’s only a matter of time before one escapes, and you’d better hope it’s not one of yours.”

This man must have been an exceptional therapist, because, there you were, baring your soul to him after fifteen minutes and one sip of wine. Occasionally, you were pulled away from the conversation by another customer who had the audacity to also want a drink. But, very few people came to you with the sole intent of drinking on a Tuesday evening. You and the sommelier talked until closing time.

“Thank you for a lovely evening, Miss [L/N].” He said pulling out his wallet. “You are as delightful in person as you are on paper.”

“Thank you, but I never caught-” you said, but stopped yourself. “I mean, you never gave me your name.”

He signed his name on the paper check, then pulled out a fifty and unceremoniously handed it to you. “Now why would you want to ruin the mystery?”

“Nothing we say tonight has to leave these four walls, remember?” You grinned and crossed your arms. “Come on, I won’t tell anyone.”

He took the customer copy of the receipt and scribbled something down on it. He the folded it in half and slid it in your direction as if it contained nuclear launch codes.

“Join me for dinner someday.” He ordered. “I’ll supply the Malbec.”

#hannibal x reader #hannibal lecter #hannibal nbc #hannibal x you #hannigram #hannigram x reader #the sommelier #wine #tw trauma #tw victim blaming #tw alcohol

177 notes · View notes

yoolee · 3 years

Text

Actual, real world advice from Lee: Useful corporate phrases

I have no idea if anyone still checks this blog, and if they do, this has nothing to do with what usually gets posted, but I’ve done two of these, so here’s a third!

“Thanks, you’ve given me something to think about.”

Use it: When you get feedback you don’t agree with - especially if you have an immediate emotional reaction to it.

Why: Because it acknowledges but doesn’t agree. Basically buys you time to react privately without damaging the relationship. Immediately (and emotionally) jumping into telling someone why they’re wrong is only going to strain the relationship. When you’re getting feedback, you want the other person to feel heard (science says even having the opportunity to air negative feelings makes people feel more positively about the thing). That doesn’t mean you have to AGREE. This statement lets you acknowledge, while buying you time to process. This also gives you an out on things like opinions people have on presentations or projects: if they bring it up later you can say you thought about it, but decided to keep what you had because A/B/C and by then you’ll have had time to craft an ironclad response.

“I can’t, I have a prior commitment.”

Use it: When you’re being asked to work hours that your coworkers aren’t, or that you are not part of your regular schedule, or, you know, when you have a prior commitment and don’t want to give details.

Why: Your time is your time and you don’t owe an explanation! Yes, it’s important to be a team player, and it’s important to be flexible and get the work done when it needs to get done, bit if you’re in a situation where, say, a parent isn’t asked to come in the weekend because your boss knows they have kids, and you are because they know you don’t, draw the line. There’s often a temptation to justify unavailability (lie and say doctor’s appointment, family event, traveling) but you do not owe justification for your time being your own, and not wanting to take the burden of additional responsibility without additional compensation in return. Being in the habit of not providing justification will come in handy if you ever don’t want to disclose something later (eg, private appointment, interview at another workspace) - it won’t seem suspicious that you’re suddenly being vague.

“The goal/outcome for this meeting is...”

Use it: When you’re running a meeting.

Why: You would be amazed how different everyone’s perceptions of their role in a meeting are, and setting expectations so obviously may feel silly but wow it helps. Let’s say I schedule a 1:1 with my boss. I just call it, Lee/Boss 1:1. I walk in and start venting about how Coworker is always late in responding to my emails. What does my boss do? In this case, my boss doesn’t know if I want them to fix my problem, if I want them to just let me air my grievances, or if I want them to give me advice, etc. If they do something other than what I want, we’ll both be frustrated. If I instead I preface it by saying, “I’m going to handle this on my own, but I just need to say it and be heard.” or “I need some advice.” then we both go into the convo knowing our roles. This works on big meetings too, “I’m going to make the final decision but I schedule this meeting to hear your input…” “At the end of the meeting I want to walk away with a budget we’ve all approved…”

“What is the most important thing for us to accomplish [during this meeting]?”

Use it: When you don’t know the expectations for a meeting, you don’t think you need to be in the meeting, the meeting has a lot of people on it, or you’re getting frustrated because you don’t know why there’s a meeting in the first place.

Why: So that you and the person leading the meeting don’t focus on different things! See the above entry :)

“Hypothetically, what would the ideal outcome look like?”

Use it: When someone is stuck on a problem (including yourself).

Why: We tend to artificially impose limits on our problem-solving, which stops us from being creative, going into an open-ended hypothetical offers a new vantage point.

A lot of times when we’re stuck, we try so hard to make do with what we’ve got that we fail to consider how much more is actually available to us. Start with the ideal and figure out which components of it are accessible. Then work backwards with what/how/who questions. What/how/who are open-ended. They make you think! Consider: “Can you rent space by this weekend?” this is a closed decision, it limits you to yes/no, and puts limiters on the delivery (what comes to mind are event halls, restaurants, etc) Compare to: “What kind of space do you need?” which could prompt something like, oh, just space for 10 people - what about a park? Open-ended questions are your friend when trying to help someone solve a problem (even if that ‘someone’ is yourself!)

(not a phrase) Save ‘I’ for remediation, passive voice for problems

Use it: When you have to communicate a problem that is not your fault.

Why: Because you shouldn’t take responsibility for something that isn’t your responsibility - but throwing someone else under the bus is NEVER a good look. Putting the ‘I’ on action shows you’re working on it. Consider, “I don’t have bandwidth to take on this project right now” vs “This project will require more analysis than that timeframe allows, but I can start on it [later ETA].” The latter is stronger - the fault is on the project, not your time management (or your leadership’s inability to see that your plate is full). Also, “I haven’t finished because Bob hasn’t sent me the graphics.” vs, “The project’s just waiting on graphics. I should be able to wrap up by Tuesday if they arrive Monday. I’ve reached out to Bob, his ETA is [ETA]”. Same thing - it’s communicated that the project isn’t finished, but the fault is left sort of nebulous. You’re not artificially taking it one, and you’re not tossing Bob under the bus. Takes some practice, but definitely makes life easier. Caveat (there’s always one): If you screw up, take ownership and do it fast. It is always, ALWAYS better to control the narrative of failure than for your leadership to find out you failed from someone else.

(not a phrase) KEEP TALKING

Use it: When you’re interrupted by someone being obnoxious.

Why: Because you’re not done, and they’re being rude, and this communicates that without calling them out. Legit, just finish your sentence like you don’t hear them talking. Don’t miss a beat. Not to make this about gender, but this is something I, as a female on mostly all-male teams, have found to be EXTREMELY effective, to the point of other people reaching out to me after like wow that interrupting person was kinda bein’ an asshole, sorry, and me being like no biggie thanks for noticing and taking my back. Has that secondary reach out ever happened when I just meekly cut myself off for them? No. Caveat - maybe don’t do this if the person interrupting is like, a VP/CEO they won’t take it well. Also, second caveat, have some grace for your coworkers if it’s not something they do often and you work with them frequently - we all get overexcited and interrupt unintentionally. This is specifically for use in scenarios where a) you are not being heard and you need to be b) you are the authority (either by knowledge, seniority, or scheduling) c) to make someone who interrupts habitually aware they’re doing it to you.

Edit: The fantastic and wise @han-pan offered as well, “Can I finish?” quoth she: “I find it helpful because it identifies that person has interrupted, it is stark and direct enough to startle someone out of talking louder and louder until you finish, and it’s really hard to be mad at someone for asking your permission when you’ve fucked up.” AND I AGREE. This is a good one to use in those ‘have some grace’ moments, as it’s less likely to damage the relationship.

“Sorry, but I don’t have the decision-making or budget authority.”

Use it: When someone on LinkedIn wants you to try their service...

Why: Because they’ll leave you alone, usually.

“What’s the most important issue for you to solve/question for you to answer?”

Use it: When you’re disagreeing on approach with someone.

Why: Again, expectation aligning!

Sometimes people just dig their heels in on something. There’s usually a reason. Let’s say Coworker A and Coworker B are both working a presentation for Director C. Coworker A is frustrated because they’ve been given strict instructions to keep it to 15 minutes, but Coworker B keeps adding slides, even after A deletes them. By asking B what the most important question for them to answer is, A can use that as a guidepost to focus the presentation. (Likewise, if B asks, what’s the issue, they’ll understand A is really concerned about going over time)

#wtf do I tag these I don't even remember #lee is procrastinating #hello I'm alive #I hope you're all doing well and staying safe and healthy and more happy than not!#sometimes I take a break from samurai #to pretend I'm a functional adult #advice

50 notes · View notes

captainmazzic · 4 years

Text

Happy Halloween.

So it’s about time I gave a real fucking update instead of just dicking around being cagey about shit. I’ve mentioned a new project repeatedly. So let’s sit down and actually talk about it, friends. Pull up a chair, grab yourself some hot cocoa and strap in. Welcome to Sarc’s emotional roller coaster.

Bear with me. This is hard to talk about for so many reasons, but mostly because I’ve been belittled and ridiculed so many times in my life for liking “cringy” things or wanting to do things that other people think are stupid or childish. I hear the voice of my father telling me to “make something of my life” and “don’t squander your talents”, I hear the voice of my mother telling me I have “so much potential” and “one day I hope you get some ambition”, I hear the voice of my ex telling me to “stop wasting time with stupid shit” and “nobody is interested in failures”. I hear old teachers telling me honor roll students should go to college and study high-demand majors and anything else would be lazy and detrimental and won’t contribute anything worthwhile to society.

It’s the same shit that prevented me for a long time from posting art online. From posting writing online. From making ocs and showing them to other people. And now it’s preventing me from starting this project, and I’m so, so tired of it.

My biggest fear right now is that once I start talking about this project I’ll lose this tiny little community of people vaguely interested in my stuff that have somehow stuck around. External validation and sharing the things I love are my primary motivations with everything I do online, and while screaming into the void is all well and good, I need feedback and interaction and community. I need it so, so badly. I wouldn’t post jack shit – ever – if I didn’t need that, to be honest.

So anyway.

When the pandemic kicked into high gear earlier this year I got laid off for a few months. It gave me a lot of time to think about who I am and where I wanted to be in life, what mattered to me, what dreams I still had and which ones had fallen by the wayside.

Some of them are huge – once upon a time I was very religious. I went through seminary, got my minister’s certification, and was slated to be an associate pastor in a mega-church and rake in a six-figure income within 3 years. But I lost my faith and couldn’t stand the idea of being disingenuous.

And there was also a time when I received a full-ride scholarship to a very prestigious university that would have spanned a 12-year program and resulted in me having several doctorates and masters degrees by the end of it, in the fields of geology, palaeontology, and cladistics. But the scholarship program that was supposed to sponsor me went bankrupt the very semester I was supposed to capitalize on it. I was still accepted into the school, but the $1.2 million price tag would have all been out of my own pocket. So obviously that didn’t happen.

Those were the “acceptable” dreams. Those were the ones that parents and teachers and the general outside world approved of and thought were worthy goals. But neither of them panned out, and all I have left are the cringy ones. Like homesteading and sustainable living (can’t start without land, can’t have land without money). Like making comic books and doing art commissions for a living (it has to be steady to support myself, and I’m far too slow an artist for things to be steady). And like… playing video games.

Ha.

What’s funny is I can already envision the eyerolls and hear the snorts of laughter. What kind of dream is that? Only a handful of famous youtubers and twitch celebrities play video games for a living, and breaking into a field like that is pretty much impossible unless you already have friends in famous places.

Yeah, but… it would be so much fun. Right?

It WOULD be fun. I don’t have to become a super popular celebrity for it to be fun, right?

I don’t have to make it my day job and rake in piles of cash for it to be fun, right?

… I don’t have to actually be successful for it to be fun… right?

… Right?

… I love video games.

I’ve loved them ever since I tried and failed so many times to win The Empire Strikes Back on Atari 2600. I’ve loved them ever since I played Mortal Kombat with my cousin in his basement with the sound down super low because it was ultra-violent and I would have been in so much trouble if mom caught me playing it. I’ve loved them ever since I tried and failed to finish Strife and Hexen and Heretic without the computer crashing and rebooting to DOS. I’ve loved them ever since I had to cheat-code my way through Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II just to get past the first boss fight but then no-clipped through the wall and died anyway. I still love that game.

But I stopped playing video games for a very long time. I was intimidated out of them by an ex and a somewhat toxic friend group who were Real Gamers™. I was brought to LAN parties but not allowed to play, because I slowed down the team and didn’t know the controls. I was banned from commenting on other people’s moves or cheering people on because it was distracting and I could cost them a win. I was even kicked out of their online D&D campaigns because I couldn’t be serious enough or roleplay well enough for their standards. Even if I was playing a game on my own, I couldn’t play with anyone else in the house because I’d be ridiculed for dying a lot, or for going the wrong way, or for picking the wrong game because only certain games are “good” and most of the ones I wanted to play were “stupid” or “trash” or a “waste of time”.

That kind of thing sits with me for a very, very long time. I didn’t really play games at all for over a decade. Even after I ended up on the opposite side of the country, with a new circle of friends, I couldn’t bring myself to play much of anything.

And then I had an extended visit with a friend of mine, and he introduced me to an early version of a ridiculous little game called Minecraft. My friend was an avid gamer but also a very kind one. In the ten years before this, I had told myself that I just preferred to watch other people play games instead of playing them myself (a lie. I mean, I absolutely adore watching other people play, but I also want to play too lol), my friend saw through that and very gently encouraged me to take a stab at playing Minecraft myself. He moved his laptop over to me, and I played a whole ten minutes with him watching before my nerves failed me and I promptly died. But miraculously it wasn’t a big deal to him. It was just a game. I might have cried in relief, I don’t remember.

After my visit I shelved playing video games for like another year, despite buying a whole mess of them because other friends online loved certain titles and wanted to talk about them with me. (I never played them, just bought them. I couldn’t even handle the thought of playing by myself in my own house). But for some reason I mentioned to my brother-in-law my old visit to my Minecraft-loving friend, and he just… up and bought the game for me. My brother-in-law is also an avid gamer with a lovely and patient disposition, and he suggested I just play in creative mode and build things to start. So I did that (behind a locked door in the RV that I lived in by myself, with the lights off and the sound down low) and Minecraft was my sole video game for another several years.

Then a couple years ago another friend of mine (hi Char) introduced me to Star Wars: The Old Republic, and I fell in love. It sparked a renewed interest in video games that I thought I would never really have the opportunity to satisfy, because games were still intimidating.

Let me clarify: I… SUCK. At video games. I’m terrible at them. Learning controls is a nightmare and a tunicate evolving its own brain would learn faster than me. If I’m aiming, I can’t hit the broad side of a barn. I have the direction sense of a whirligig beetle on the back of a drunk pigeon. I die fast and I die often. I can count the number of games I’ve actually finished on one hand. Even less if we don’t count the ones I had to use cheat codes to get through. But none of that diminishes my love of experiencing them, and over this whole pandemic and quarantine thing I’ve had a lot of time to unpack and mull over my thoughts and feelings and passions about them.

… I moved my RV to a new spot literally the day before the lockdown in my state first initiated. Before this I was in a spot that had no internet other than what reception I could get on my phone, with severely limited bandwidth and patchy, unreliable service. The new spot has a steady wi-fi connection, and while upload speed is utter shit, downloading and streaming video are just this side of manageable. So I spent the first three months of the quarantine lockdown doing pretty much nothing other than watching Jacksepticeye, CrankGameplays, and Markiplier play video games on YouTube. (I honestly had no idea before this that people even did let’s plays. My internet access/speed has been shit for so long I’m totally out of the loop).

It… for fear of sounding utterly stupid yet again, it inspired me.

Like. These people really love what they’re doing. They just. Play video games and have fun with it, and I mean yeah they make money hand-over-fist doing it but the main thing is they HAVE FUN doing it. They have fun! Playing video games! In front of people! It’s wild. And the thing that REALLY got me was… they have feedback on it too. They have a COMMUNITY. They have people they can talk to about it. They have people that they can play games WITH, even, who don’t yell at them or tell them they suck every five minutes or tell them they can’t play with them because they’re worthless as teammates. They can fuck up in a game and their friends are laughing along with them on Discord instead of screaming at them to get it right or get out. They can play games by themselves in their house and then upload videos on the internet and then they can talk to other people about it! They have fun! It’s awesome! They have fun!!

I just. It meant so much to me. It meant so much to me to see these videos of these three, and then another dozen or so that I’ve followed since, play all these games and have such a good time and also be such a positive and kind and encouraging source of energy.

I know all of this is not exactly about video games specifically. It’s about coming to terms with how I’ve been treated as a person and as a friend, about how other people respect someone’s interests and passions, about how it’s okay to share your interests with other people and it’s okay to like things that other people might not care about or think are important.

And I’m so, so tired of not doing the things I love because I’m afraid of what other people will think.

So I, uh. I invested all of the stimulus money I had into a new rig and equipment like a camera, lighting, acoustic panels, all that shit. I dug out all the games I bought but never played, I made accounts on all the big gaming services like Steam and Itch.io and GoG, and I made a YouTube channel. And I’m going to be making my own let’s plays. And it will suck, and it will be cringy and awkward and badly done, and it won’t make me money or be a valid career option or be anything but another very expensive hobby, but it will be mine, and it will be something I can share with people and (hopefully) have fun with, and it will (hopefully) be an avenue for some of this positive social interaction I’m craving.

I know YouTube can be toxic and super negative and full of trolls and cancel culture fanatics and people just waiting to find something to tear you down for, but like. Come on, y’all. I’m posting this on tumblr dot com. Toxic is everywhere anyway. I just want to try, you know?

I just want to love video games again.

Someone famous that I look up to so, so much told me – without knowing that I was even listening, without even knowing that I even exist – that if I enjoy doing something, to just go for it. To just jump in and do it, and if it works then it works, and if it doesn’t, what have I actually lost?

And I’m lucky enough to have four whole offline friends that I’ve mentioned this idea to, and each of them has said encouraging things like I’d have a good voice and face and style for making let’s plays. I honestly don’t know how true that part is, but on my good days I believe them. And they also said that I should go for it, to just try.

So that’s… that’s what I’m doing, I guess. I just want to try.

I know it’s not Star Wars fanart. I know it’s not Star Wars fanfiction. I know it’s not Star Wars meta or essays or ranting about the Sith and the Jedi and the Force. I know it’s not what y’all want from me. And that’s utterly terrifying. I’m bracing myself to be alone on the internet again, because I know that when I dive headfirst into this thing, it’ll eat away into the time that I normally might be spending doing writing or art, and it’s going to be something no one else wants to see and no one signed up for. And that’s partly why it’s taken me so very, very long to get started.

The other part is more physical. Of course as soon as I decide that I’m going to put my face on a camera is when my entire face goes to shit. I’m currently waiting on a potential diagnosis for mouth cancer, while already dealing with a severe jaw infection that’s causing my teeth and gums to rot inside my mouth. They already took part of my jaw, I’m missing teeth, others are turning black, if I open my mouth even just a little it is so obvious and I look like a very, very literal zombie. I have never been more grateful that masks are socially acceptable. I have a series of twelve appointments scheduled to treat this shit now that I have dental and health insurance (goodbye paycheque), and I might qualify for reconstruction surgery too. But that doesn’t really help how I look right now.

So I just can’t bring myself to start this project just yet. I’ve been sitting on it for months now with all the other pieces in place, but I just. Can’t. Start. It’s driving me crazy, because I want to start so badly. I feel like I’m wasting time. I feel like I’ve already wasted so much time, because I haven’t even done anything else in the meantime. I haven’t done hardly any art or fanfic, nothing. My anxiety is spiking so high right now because I have all these expectations of myself, but I can’t do anything about it. I’ve been told that I could just start without a camera or wear a mask on screen, and I’ve actually done some recording doing exactly that, but I just… can’t seem to make anything I want to finalize.

It’s also frustrating because I have no way of uploading anything at home. I’ll have to go over to my partner’s house which is nearly an hour’s drive away in order to get internet good enough to upload videos, which means that upload schedules are going to be shiiiiiit and that’s also frustrating.

But. But. BUT. I want to do this.

I want to do this so badly. I want to share let’s plays and experience a love of video games with other people. I want to actually play games with other people too. I also just acquired a piano keyboard, and I want to play again on the regular because I miss it so much. I used to play piano for hours every single day, it’s so relaxing and fun, maybe I can post that too. Maybe I can post let’s draws or something, where I ask y’all what to draw and then make a video of me drawing it while bullshitting to the camera I don’t know it sounds like fun. Maybe I can post videos of my cooking because the shit I make seems to be everyone’s favourite thing on instagram, and maybe I can take my camera with me when I go to the ocean or hike up into the middle of nowhere in the mountains and film how beautiful everything is up there. Or maybe I can do none of that and just focus on one thing, I honestly have no idea what I’m doing or how to do it, but I just… I want to try. I just want to try.

I don’t know where any of this is going anymore. I’m sorry I haven’t responded to messages, or opened up commissions. I’m sorry that this isn’t what y’all wanted. I’m still going to continue drawing and writing, I’m still going to be around, I’m not going anywhere, but I have no idea how prolific I’m going to be and I have no idea even when I’ll start uploading videos, to be honest. But I just. I’m just gonna try. It might still take me a while but I’m gonna try. Wish me luck. I love y’all.

#long post #psa #sarc speaks #sarc speaks a LOT #3k words worth of a LOT #I'm so sorry #OTL

45 notes · View notes

beca-mitchell · 5 years

Text

we are the wild youth (3/5)

chapter 3: it's been so damn hard on my own

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

Chapter summary: In an extremely shocking twist, Beca realizes that she had been falling for Chloe all this time.

Again, rated M/E for depictions and references to coitus. Chapter also has references to deaths of family members.

Chapter title is from A R I Z O N A’s “Let Me Know”.

Now there’s an “EP”/playlist!

Word count: 5,574

Read below or on AO3.

It is the morning that follows, a sleepy, cold morning, that Beca gets that long-awaited email from her boss. It is an email telling her that his contact in New York pulled through.

Beca is wide awake.

Sammy ended up sending his contact some of Beca’s original stuff, finally deeming it ‘good enough’ to be viable, and well—

A job opportunity—no, better. A job offer at a record label as a junior producer.

She finally gets to leave. She’s going to leave once she graduates and she’s going to finally pursue her dreams.

She drops her arm back onto the bed, suddenly more conscious and aware of her other arm, trapped beneath Chloe’s body as she snoozes next to her. Beca ends up lying awake until Chloe slowly awakens as well, stretching contentedly like a cat in sunshine against Beca’s side. There is a distinct youthfulness to Chloe’s features this early in the morning, Beca thinks—like for once Chloe isn’t plagued by her past, her present, or future.

“What?” Beca asks when Chloe stares at her with a content, sleepy expression on her face. It makes Beca nervous, but she can’t pinpoint why.

“Nothing,” Chloe says finally and instead surges up to press a deep, wanting kiss against Beca’s lips, eviscerating all other wake-up calls Beca has ever received in her life.

— — x — —

“I have a question,” Chloe says as they mull over formulas, proofs, and endless all-day breakfast at Carl’s later that day.

Without looking up, Beca sighs. “Chloe we just went over basic derivatives and you definitely—”

Chloe’s hand comes up to still Beca’s hand. Beca freezes.

“Do you and um,” Chloe hesitates. It’s the first time, really, that Beca has seen Choe somewhat flustered or nervous. Chloe seems to steel herself. “Do you and that uh, Jesse kid have like...a thing going on?”

It’s clear that this has been bothering Chloe to some extent, if the furrow in her brow and the questioning tilt in her eyes are anything to go by. If Beca weren’t mulling over how cute Chloe looked right then, she’d have burst out laughing right away. That being said, her laugh comes out short and delayed and entirely too awkward for her to really save anything about the situation.

Chloe is evidently taken aback and she leans back in the booth and crosses her arms, their homework forgotten. “I’m serious,” Chloe says, verging very close to a pout.

“I’m serious too,” Beca says, still laughing. “Where the fuck did you get that from?”

“I don’t know, you guys just seem…” Chloe bites her lip, looking more attractive than she has any right to be. “Close.”

“That’s what you get when a guy like Jesse forces his way into your life and somehow sticks around for three and a half years.”

“Is that what I did?” Chloe asks, her tone decidedly different from just a few moments ago. “Force my way into your life.”

"No," Beca says immediately.

It's something closer to fate. Maybe destiny.

But it's not like those things are real anyway, so Beca can't really do much than meet Chloe's questioning gaze head-on.

— — x — —

Chloe just checking that we’re ok Bec?

A part of Beca threatens to burst—like she could really just spill everything she’s been feeling to Chloe right then and there. Her fingers long to type out an excessively long message, just to get her point across and just to expunge all of the emotions she currently feels.

Like the emotions dangerously resembling a dumb, gross crush on Chloe Beale.

She's sure Chloe knows by now. Chloe is the kind of girl who knows these things, likely from experience. Even more likely that she just has a better grasp on other people's emotions compared to Beca's own emotional bandwidth.

Beca Yeah, we’re ok

"God, she definitely knows," Beca mumbles.

Chloe and you’re still coming for dinner w/ my parents?

There it is.

Beca swallows, having momentarily forgotten about it. She isn’t sure why the nerves seem to bubble up in her more than they normally would.

Beca Yeah

It isn’t like Chloe is her girlfriend and she’s meeting her parents for the first time. Just her tutoring subject. Beca is a tutor first and foremost.

Nothing wrong with that.

She’ll just make sure to maintain some distance between now and then.

— — x — —

So it turns out that distance is good, but Beca hadn’t thought about how distance would be completely eviscerated considering she is quite literally at Chloe’s parents’ house. Distance should be good. Or it would be if Beca weren’t such a chump and ringing the doorbell to Chloe’s massive house. Her father’s massive house.

Beca always thought her own father had a big house, but she supposes when Chloe’s father is a doctor-doctor, there’s a little bit more money than an English professor. Like a literal real doctor who has probably saved lives. That’s more than Beca can say about her father and his books.

She’s never going to give her father trouble for the size of his house again.

Chloe greets her at the door with a relieved expression. “I’m glad you came!” Chloe exclaims. She reaches out for Beca’s hand and laces their fingers together. The shock of holding Chloe’s hand makes Beca’s reply come in a lame, delayed fashion.

“You were the one who invited me,” Beca says quickly. “Of course I was going to come.”

“I know you were thinking of standing me up,” Chloe singsongs, still holding on to Beca’s hand as she drags her through a massive foyer and into the kitchen.

Beca can’t really say anything to that because it’s kind of true. She had been thinking about that, even though each instance of that thought sent sweeping guilt through her chest.

Chloe’s hand is soft and warm, unlike Beca’s cold, clammy hand. It feels nice. That’s kind of true, too.

“I’m glad you came,” Chloe repeats, more sincere than she had been at the door, not that Beca thought that was even possible. “I just...my dad’s been a lot recently. The lab is kind of struggling with funding so...yay,” she drawls. “And um,” Chloe’s eyebrows draw together. “Nothing, nevermind.”

Beca, knowing only vague things about Chloe’s father’s business, shrugs. “I’m sure it’s...it’s not as bad as you think and there isn’t anything to worry about.” She nudges Chloe. “And you’re set to take over eventually, aren’t you?”

Chloe’s expression shifts marginally before she composes herself and she shrugs. “I guess so, it’s just—” Chloe cuts herself off and sighs, shaking her head. “It’s nothing.”

Before Beca can inquire more into that, soft footsteps sound behind her. “Oh,” a woman’s voice sounds from behind them. “I didn’t realize we had a guest.”

Chloe sighs and turns to face who Beca assumes to be her mother. “Mom, I told you I was inviting Beca over for dinner because dad wanted to meet her.”

Her mother smiles faintly. “That’s nice, dear. Nice to meet you, Becky.” She reaches for a wine glass from the cupboard. “I hope you like steak.”

“I do,” Beca says as pleasantly as she can, not bothering to correct her.

“Chloe, if you can, dear, please run and buy a couple bottles of red before dinner. We’re running low. You’ll indulge, won’t you, Becky?”

Before Beca can fully nod or respond, Chloe’s hand comes to grip her wrist again. Beca clamps her mouth shut and instead watches on silently as Chloe’s mother shuffles away again, humming to herself.

A million questions run through Beca’s mind. She had been under the assumption that Chloe’s mother was a researcher of some kind—another powerful figure in the medical field. It was essentially a well-known fact that Chloe had been born into all kinds of privilege, intelligence and money being only two of them.

It seemed that a stable family life was not on the table.

“Are you okay?” Beca asks instead of the million other questions she wants to ask. It comes out softer than she intends. More delicate.

Chloe nods, but otherwise doesn’t respond before turning to face Beca again.

“It’s just hard being twenty-five and all of…” she gestures vaguely around the kitchen. “This.”

“Are we going to go to the store?” Beca asks hesitantly.

Chloe bites her lip. “You think I shouldn’t,” she assesses. Correctly, too.

“Chloe, it’s��” none of my business “—up to you. I’ll just do whatever you want me to do.”

The more serious conversation that needs to be had likely doesn’t involve Beca at all, if Chloe’s mother has an alcoholism problem. She feels badly enough that Chloe has to go through this on top of likely being embarrassed that Beca saw anything at all.

“Is it weird that I kind of wish we were studying right now instead of this?” Chloe asks, sounding more cheerful than the expression on her face belies.

It isn’t weird at all, Beca thinks. “Show me your room,” Beca suggests instead of the thousands of more appropriate things she could possibly say at that moment.

It seems to do the trick however because Chloe smiles.

— — x — —

“How is tutoring going, Beca?”

Beca struggles to swallow the huge gulp of water she had just taken while maintaining eye contact with Chloe’s intimidating father. “It’s…” she clears her throat. “It’s going well.”

“And Chloe isn’t giving you any trouble?’

Beca glances at Chloe who has gone rather still. “No, she’s been a model student.”

To Beca’s surprise, he scoffs. Chloe continues to say nothing, but begins to push her food around her plate. “Can you believe that she’s been in school for seven years and she still doesn’t have a degree to show for it? And to think that she graduated high school early. All that potential...”

It’s the beginning of a rant if Beca’s ever heard one. Beca blinks back the sudden sharp sting she feels behind her eyes, the hurt she suddenly feels on Chloe’s behalf. “That really doesn’t mean anything,” she says before she can stop herself. She glances at Chloe’s mother who has not said a word. She merely swirls her wine glass and gazes despondently at her own plate.

Dr. Beale’s gaze cuts to her and she quickly looks back down, feeling chastised. “Your father is a professor, is he not?”

“Yes,” Beca says to her plate.

“He worked hard to get to where he is, didn’t he?”

“I’m sure he did, but—”

“And I guess he doesn’t want you wasting your time. He doesn’t want you wasting your life. You’re set to graduate aren’t you?”

“Uh, I—”

“Wish I could say the same for Chloe here,” he says lightly like he’s sharing a splendid joke. Beca clenches her fist in her lap.

Chloe sighs loudly.

“You know, Chloe,” Chloe’s father says, swirling his glass. Whiskey, probably, Beca notes. “If you tried a little more, maybe you wouldn’t be such a fucking disappointment.”

Beca startles at that, not expecting such harsh words in such a calm tone. She looks up hesitantly, eyes flicking back and forth between Chloe and her father. It almost feels like she had imagined the moment because Chloe continues to move food around on her plate and her father continues to hold his gaze intently on the side of his daughter’s head, arched eyebrow and a precariously-held glass of amber liquid to the side.

It’s surreal to say the least. Beca would have never imagined this moment happening.

“It’s literally just two classes, Chloe,” her father continues. “Two classes and you can stop sucking money out of us like a damn leech and actually do something worthwhile with your life. You already have a damn job ready for you, but you refuse to step up to just take it.”

It’s hard to imagine that these words are coming from the mouth of the man who had been such a generous giver to their school—the same that many students aspired to be. Atlanta, while not small or tucked away by any measure, was still no New York or Los Angeles. Yet thousands of students still flocked to their school and city for this very reason. This man, berating his daughter in full view of his daughter’s tutor.

Beca swallows.

Beca tries not to think about Chloe’s bright smile, helping children through dance steps at the studio.

She tries not to think about it because this isn’t any of her business. She tries not to think about it because she’s just a tutor.

A friend, maybe. A tutor, definitely.

“I’m sorry,” Chloe says quietly, a far cry from every version of Chloe Beale that Beca has been privy to thus far.

Chloe’s mother sniffs at her glass—white wine—and sighs before taking a long drink.

Beca isn’t supposed to be privy to this at all, she’s sure of it. She isn’t supposed to feel so fiercely protective over a student she’s meant to take money from so she can finally get out of this town. So she can finally move to New York. So she can finally make music which people care about.

She isn’t meant to care about what Chloe thinks of her music—isn’t meant to feel guilty for taking money for a job she does well.

This is all temporary.

— — x — —

When Chloe texts her to meet her at the diner, Beca heaves a breath. She thought Chloe was hellbent on ignoring her after that episode at Chloe’s house—horribly awkward and horribly tense. Chloe hadn’t spoken to her the rest of the time in her bedroom while they worked through a calculus assignment...except when she had quietly asked Beca if she wanted to have sex.

Beca had politely declined, not really feeling like taking advantage of Chloe in her state, but Chloe’s lackluster response, her quiet acquiescence, had been enough for Beca to quickly pack her things up.

Before she left, she hovered awkwardly by Chloe’s shoulder and felt like she ought to kiss her on the head or hug her.

Instead of doing either of those things, she had squeezed Chloe’s shoulder and half-heartedly murmured a goodbye with the promise to text her to set up another session.

And it ended up being Chloe who texted first anyway.

Now, sitting in front of Chloe, Beca realizes that she had missed her over the past few days. The past few days of not seeing Chloe’s infuriatingly innocent smile (a smile usually paired with something suggestive—suggestive enough to make Beca balk and completely fumble with her pen) had taken more of a toll on Beca than she expected.

It was because she was invested in Chloe as her student. Her tutor-subject-person. That was it.

“Hi,” Beca greets when Chloe takes out a novel and her notebook. “Are we...what are we doing today?”

“I thought we could just have breakfast for dinner,” Chloe says simply. “Then you can pretend like you enjoy tutoring me.”

It’s said so lightly and casually that Beca almost doesn’t catch it. “Hey,” she says finally. “That’s not true. I don’t pretend like I enjoy doing anything.”

Chloe relaxes and giggles. “Sorry, I just…” she sighs and shrugs off her leather jacket. Beca tries not to look at her bare shoulders. “It’s been a lot. With...you know. Especially around this time of year.”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Beca says.

And with that, they don’t speak, at least for a little while. Beca orders a burger and coke because it amuses her to see Chloe’s furrowed brow when she chastises Beca for not ordering breakfast as per ‘tradition’ at the diner. Chloe orders a stack of pancakes bigger than her head.

It is not until Chloe is halfway through the pancakes and Beca is halfway through looking at Chloe’s recent homework assignment that Chloe speaks again.

“I had an older brother,” Chloe says quietly.

It is absolutely not what Beca expected to hear. The word choice isn’t lost on Beca. She slowly puts down her pencil and watches Chloe from across the booth.

“Okay,” she murmurs, gently as to not scare Chloe off.

“I...his name was James, but I called him Jamie. I guess most people did, except dad. And mom when she was mad at him.” A thought seems to bring a smile to Chloe’s face. A fond memory, Beca hopes.

A part of her wants to reach out to hold Chloe’s hand, but the more rational part tells her that Chloe would more than likely shut down if she did that. She sits on her hands to resist the temptation.

“I...we were close,” Chloe continues before clearing her throat. “I don’t know, I guess he kind of accepted that he would always work for dad’s clinic. He was in his second year of med school when he…” Chloe hums, looking thoroughly embarrassed at her own tears and hastily averts eye contact with Beca. “It was an accident. I was almost done with my last year here. I’ve felt stuck this whole time.”

What did you want to do? Beca longs to ask, she doesn’t get the chance. The words die in her throat when Chloe looks back up at her.

“I don’t want to work for my father,” Chloe murmurs. “He’s not the best person but I know he’s still family. I just...I can’t do it. I can’t see myself giving up my life like that. But not doing what Jamie was working towards feels like cheating his memory a little. Even though I know he wouldn’t have wanted that for me either.” Chloe laughs hollowly. “With how many extra years I’ve taken on here, I could have two degrees. But I just don’t…” Her voice cracks. “I don’t know how to leave.”

“I’m sorry,” Beca says when she realizes Chloe is spent. “I...don’t know what to say. I didn’t know about your brother. I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t really talk about it,” Chloe admits. “Aubrey knew because we were best friends when it happened, then she graduated and I guess I just...didn’t. It’s been a few years, but I still think about it. I guess I can’t forget about things as easily as my parents can.”

“I’m sure they didn’t forget about him,” Beca tries to say, but her voice feels weak and unused.

“Well, they’re doing a good job of making it seem that way.” She smiles wryly. “Didn’t see any family photos in my house, did you?”

Beca shakes her head, mouth too dry to speak. She wants to do nothing more than to slide into the seat next to Chloe and hold her—to at least sap some hurt away for the time being even if temporary solutions are barely sufficient for something like this.

Beca conceptually understands that people deal with grief differently, but the cold air in the Beale house had been unmistakable and immediately-apparent. She doesn’t say as much however because Chloe is right and nothing more needs to be said.

“Chloe,” Beca murmurs instead. She has no words, not really. It’s clear that Chloe is hurting—or had been at least. This impromptu study session in the dingy 24-hour diner just off-campus isn’t quite turning out how Beca initially expected.

Chloe shrugs. “I don’t...expect you to say anything. I know I’ve been kind of sucky the past few weeks and...I didn’t want you to think that it was…” Chloe licks her lips nervously, finally meeting Beca’s eyes. “Well...nothing that you did.”

Beca smiles at Chloe’s attempt to comfort her when it definitely ought to be the other way around. How are you real? She thinks to herself in wonder. “Want to know a secret?” Chloe nods, a curious look finding its way across her face. “I totally know you’ve been faking it, you know.” At Chloe’s incredibly confused expression, Beca fumbles with her napkin. “Not—not like that. I know you’re uh. Not. Faking that.”

“All those smarts and you can’t even say sex.”

“I meant,” Beca continues, pushing through the hot flush that burns across her cheeks. “That I know you’re faking this whole...not knowing calculus thing.”

Chloe smirks. “What gave it away?” she asks, the air between them losing some of the heavy feeling and tension.

Beca relaxes. Grades and homework, she knows more about. How to deal with Chloe flirting with her? Not so much. “Just...the blatantly wrong way you go about writing out some proofs. It really takes somebody who knows what’s going on to get every step wrong. Or, you know, getting all the steps right but getting the final answer wrong.”

Chloe casually leans up to flick some hair out of her eyes, taking the opportunity to swipe at her own eyes as discreetly as possible. Beca pretends not to notice and looks intently into her glass of Coke as the moment passes.

“Okay, fine,” Chloe concedes. Beca glances up to see that Chloe looks entirely too pleased with herself. “But the sex is still good, right?”

— — x — —

Yes, the sex is still good, Beca thinks. If thoughts could breathless, that’s exactly what’s happening in Beca’s mind as Chloe’s tongue does sinful things between her legs.

If somebody were to tell Beca when she entered college that she would thoroughly enjoy having a girl’s tongue between her legs, flicking incessantly at her aching clit, she would have run away screaming. Or at least blushed furiously to the point of passing out.

Now, she still feels on the verge of passing out, but for entirely different reasons. Better reasons. Now, she can’t imagine doing anything but tightening her grip in Chloe’s hair and keeping a steady enough hold so that Chloe can’t stop.

Not that it seems like Chloe has any plans on stopping. Her hands grip Beca’s hips with near-bruising force as she presses Beca’s hips down into the mattress.

“So good,” Beca chokes out, trying to loosen some of the pressure in her chest. Another moan escapes her and as if the sound pleases Chloe, she hums, circling Beca’s clit once with a precise tongue before latching on with her lips and sucking.

Beca cries out, arching her back against the pressure and comes hard against Chloe’s lips, tongue—her wonderful, wonderful mouth.

When she regains some semblance of sanity, she opens her eyes to Chloe smiling at her, glistening chin and all.

“You’re so good at that,” Beca murmurs lazily. “I want to be good at that for you,” she says before she can stop herself. Words keep slipping out of her mouth at an alarming frequency these days.

“Oh, don’t worry. I’ll teach you,” Chloe promises. “Later,” she murmurs, leaning down to capture Beca’s mouth in a lazy kiss. Her hand skates down the flat planes of Beca’s stomach, taking its time.

Later, Beca thinks when Chloe pushes two fingers into her. Later sounds perfect.

— — x — —

Somewhere down the line, Beca realizes the devastating truth that Chloe might actually be one of her closest friends. Jesse’s still there, sure, but everybody’s gearing up to leave. Beca wants to go to New York. Jesse wants to go to Los Angeles.

Everybody leaves eventually.

But somehow time feels like it doesn’t quite exist when she’s lying in her cramped bed with Chloe by her side, calculus all but forgotten.

“My mom died when I was a kid,” Beca murmurs, leaning up on her elbow so she can see the invisible figures she’s tracing on Chloe’s back.

Chloe’s eye cracks open, visible just barely beneath a mess of tangled, red curls. She sucks in a breath, but says nothing more, so Beca continues.

“I don’t really remember her. I mean, I guess I do. I have these memories of my favorite hugs. A soothing voice. But it never really feels tangible.”

Chloe rolls over slowly, breathing steadily as she continues listening intently. Beca feels nervous suddenly. “I’m not...I guess I was just thinking about what you told me about your brother. And I’m not trying to say I know exactly how you feel, but it’s just...I do get it.”

“You do get it,” Chloe whispers in agreement. Her eyes look softer than usual. “I...thank you for telling me. I’m sorry that you lost your mom.”

“I don’t think we ever really know how to deal with grief,” Beca explains quickly. But it helps having other people to share it with. “But I just thought I’d share that too. Not to, um, take away from your...pain, but just...”

As always, it seems like Chloe fares better with words than Beca does. “We don’t have to talk about her if you don’t want to,” Chloe says gently. “But I don’t mind hearing more about her.”

Beca sucks in a breath. Chloe looks incredibly young then. Like all the world’s traumas have lifted from her shoulders in that moment—that moment of her extending her hand to Beca in a show of support. It makes Beca giddy with a kind of childlike delight, but also sweeping pain. As the two emotions war within her, she can do nothing more than to reach out and hold Chloe’s hand—figuratively, but she does reach out to brush an errant strand of hair from Chloe’s face.

“I know talking helps,” Chloe continues when she realizes Beca is yet to speak. “Not letting their memories fade away. I don’t...want that to happen to me. And I don’t want that to happen to you.”

I wish I knew you back then, Beca thinks forlornly. Three years ago. Two years ago. Any time but now, when their time is so limited.

“Okay,” Beca agrees quietly, already slipping into a sleeping state.

You are so much more than you know.

“You make me better,” Chloe murmurs. “I hope you know that.”

— — x — —

Jesse Movie night w/ Amy? Benji had to bail

Beca Ugh fine

Jesse Bring your girlfriend

Beca My what?????

Jesse Chloe?

Beca What the fuck, she’s not my gf

Beca Shut up, i can hear your smirk But shes really not, jesse i swear

Beca ok i can literally hear you laughing across the library idiot

— — x — —

Fat Amy Bumper told me tell you that jesse told him that you have a gf and you’re not sharing her with the rest of us

Fat Amy Is she that super hot chick you’ve been tutoring and totally-not-at-all sleeping with?

Fat Amy Beca???

— — x — —

Maybe they are kind of dating—kind of, sort of dating. Beca’s sure unlabeled things are all the rage these days.

(“All the rage?” Beca asks. “Who says that?”

Chloe scowls at her, somehow making the unpleasant expression more pleasant than it ought to be on anybody’s face. “Shut up, I’m studying.”)

But, the fact of the matter is: They’re not dating. They’re not dating, which is why Beca agrees to go with Chloe to an end-of-semester party. Exams are almost entirely over and Beca’s confident Chloe passed this time around.

The shift between them and in Chloe’s general attitude are stark changes. Beca would have to be blind not to notice.

But the fact is, she isn’t blind. She can’t be, not when Chloe makes her want to pay more attention than ever.

Though sometimes she kind of loses track of Chloe - where Chloe loses herself in her own her head, or loses herself to the masses. It’s hard, crushing on Chloe Beale, only daughter of Doctor Richard Beale, an incredibly intelligent and powerful medical researcher with his own medical research corporation to boot.

It’s hard, knowing all of that weighs on Chloe’s shoulders and Chloe seems to want no part of it.

But tonight, Beca loses Chloe at a literal party, which would be funny if Beca’s own heart weren’t doing that super weird pounding thing.

She’s nervous.

Beca finds Chloe outside of all places. It is odd considering Chloe was the one who asked her to attend the party and then she had essentially hidden herself away.

“I’ve been looking for you.”

Chloe, still leaning against the railing of the balcony, tilts her head back towards Beca. “I’ve been waiting for you to come find me.” She grins. “Gotcha.”

“Oh,” Beca drawls, feeling bold. It’s the alcohol coursing through her veins. It’s the brisk chill. It’s the high she gets from being near her crush. “So you planned this,” she continues, moving so she can stand just behind Chloe. She leans forward, letting her lips ghost the side of Chloe’s neck.

Chloe sighs, a happy little sound with only a tinge of melancholy. Beca draws back immediately, embarrassed.

“Sorry,” she murmurs. She drops to sit against the railing opposite Chloe. “I’ll just…”

“Don’t be.” Chloe twists to face her. “It’s really dumb, but I had a big crush on you for like...the entirety of my second senior year.”

Beca freezes. She gazes up at Chloe’s silhouette in the darkness. “You what?”

“I had a crush on you,” Chloe says simply.

“But why? And how?” And you had a crush on me? Past tense?

Chloe sighs. “I don’t know, I guess I had seen you around when you were a freshman, but I knew you better because we had the same Advanced Topics in Philosophy seminar that year. You did not strike me as a philosophy major.”

“I’m not,” Beca replies distractedly. Her brow furrows as she combs through her memory for some kind of enlightening flash of red in her mind’s eye. A memory of sorts.

“I sat like right at the back,” Chloe clarifies.

Beca scoffs. “So did I. I would have remembered you.”

Chloe looks exceptionally pleased at that. “You would have?”

“Obviously, I mean…” Beca gestures at her. She feels nervous suddenly, like the ground is shifting beneath her feet. “Look at you,” she mumbles quickly. “You’re gorgeous. And like...super hot.”

Chloe’s smile dims a little. “Haven’t I heard that before,” she mutters, turning away from Beca.

Beca scrambles from her seat, moving to where Chloe is standing by the railing. She feels numb, suddenly, like she’s missing something crucial. It’s hard to think with the budding headache she feels, the rush from standing up too fast, and the incessant music from the party going on behind them.

She reaches out to touch Chloe’s elbow before she really knows what she’s going to say. Chloe turns her head slightly to face her.

“You’re so pretty,” Beca murmurs, keeping her eyes trained on Chloe’s expression. “But—but—” she quickly reaches up with a trembling hand to cup Chloe’s jaw, the tender movement stunning Chloe into silence as she opens her mouth to protest. “You’re so much more than that. You’re kind and you’re special and I know you’re insanely smart even though you feel like you’re stuck in this…” Beca shrugs. “I would have remembered you.”

She isn’t sure how she gets through all that because her body feels kind of numb afterwards. She doesn’t have much of a chance to say anything more however because Chloe is turning and swiftly pulling her in for a soft, tender kiss. The way her lips brush against Beca’s so gently and slowly, despite the urgency Beca feels in the grip Chloe has on her waist.

“You drive me crazy,” Chloe murmurs, breath hot against her mouth. “You make me feel all these stupid things that I shouldn’t—not now when we’re—”

“Shh,” Beca shushes, pulling Chloe in again for another kiss. She is addicted to this woman, all professionalism be damned. “I just want to be with you.”

Beca has no idea where any of this is coming from, like all the unwritten lyrics she has to the songs that remind her of Chloe Beale. They well up inside her like the best and worst emotions, quickly spilling out into the world; quickly spilling into the minuscule spaces left between her and Chloe’s body.

Chloe whimpers into her mouth at that, immediately ramping up the intensity of her kisses. Tilting her head, her tongue glides delicately over Beca’s lower lip like a gentle request for entry. Beca can’t deny her, not once.

“I saw you once,” Beca murmurs, pushing back against Chloe’s chest slightly. Their breathing, labored, is loud and deafening against the ringing in Beca’s ears. “In my freshman year, at the activities fair.”

Chloe laughs, a sad, hollow laugh, and presses her forehead against Beca’s. “You should have said hello. I feel like you would have somehow made collegiate a cappella fun.”

“I was too intimidated. I’m still intimidated.”

“Don’t be,” Chloe urges, voice low and hoarse. “I...want you so much that it scares me. And I feel like such an idiot for not telling you sooner. I’ve never felt like this about anybody before.”

Beca inhales sharply, struck by the sudden force of Chloe’s words and the emotion behind them.

“Somewhere along the line I—”

Beca knows what Chloe will say. It unlocks a world of possibilities, each more uncalculated than the last. The possibilities, with Chloe, seem endless, but they are unexplored and untested. Unproven.

“Don’t,” Beca chokes out, cutting Chloe off before she can finish. “I can’t, not now.”

Chloe pulls her close, into a hug that Beca immediately sinks into. She sighs, head tucked against the crook of Chloe’s neck, feeling all kinds of warmth for the first time since December started.

“We’ll figure this out in the morning,” Chloe promises, voice thick with emotion.

Right, Beca muses as Chloe’s lips meet hers again. Because we have all the time in the world.

She really believes it.

/end ch. 3

#bechloe #pitch perfect #fanfiction #we are the wild youth #mine #my fanfic #text

54 notes · View notes

dailyaudiobible · 7 years

Text

01/10/2018 DAB Transcript

Genesis 23:1-24:51, Matthew 8:1-17, Psalms 9:13-20, Proverbs 3:1-6

Today is the 10th day of January. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I'm Brian. It's great to be here with you as we hit the center of the week. And I’m excited to take the next step forward in the Scriptures today and every day for that matter. We’re reading from the Christian Standard Bible this week. Genesis chapter 23 verse 1 through 24 verse 51.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word and for all that it invites us to consider, in all the ways that it turns things and shakes up things inside of our lives, in the way that it tills the soil of our hearts so that it is ready to yield the fruit of the spirit in our lives. And today we are invited to trust You with all of our heart. And, so, we begin that process by confessing that we haven't done that and our paths haven't been made straight because of that. You've invited us to not rely on what we think we know, but trust You with all of our hearts, in all of our ways to know You, which is what we were talking about yesterday, to know and be known by You. If we will do these things, if we will trust You with all of our heart, and not rely on what we think we know, but, rather, to know You and to acknowledge You in all things in, then our paths will be made straight. Your Holy Spirit will lead and guide us. And that is what we ask for today. That is what we ask for this month. That is what we ask for this year. That is what we ask for our lives. Come, Holy Spirit. We ask in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, its home base, its where you find out what's going on around here. Couple things.

This Sunday, which is the 14th of January, we’ll be in the Louisville Kentucky area. I'll be speaking at New Song Christian Fellowship Louisville. And, so, if you are in Kentucky, you are in that area, love to see you. Come say hello. You can get all of the details at dailyaudiobible.com in the Events section. And, so we’ll look forward to that this weekend.

I also want to remind you of the Daily Audio Bible Shop. That’s also at the website. In the Daily Audio Bible Shop are a number of resources for the journey through the Bible this year. We have our Daily Audio Bible journal and a number of bundles paired with Black Wing pencils and all kinds of writing paraphernalia to, kind of, move through the year, journal your life, as you move through the Bible this year, as well as a number of other resources. So, check out the Daily Audio Bible Shop while you're at dailyaudiobible.com.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, thank you, humbly, thank you. There is a link on the homepage. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or comment, 877-942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Good morning DAB family this is Deborah from Providence Rhode Island. I’ve been a listener since 2006. And during all that time with during pod deliveries, when Jill was giving birth to Ezekiel, and when Brian was hurt, even the death of his family members, they never missed a beat they were always on this line. So, we have to show our appreciation and give to this program and continue to give financially. Yes, we are praying for them. Thank God. But we need to give financially, those of us who can. And those of us who think it’s you know… Five dollars a month even or ten dollars a month at least isn’t that big of a deal. I know it’s tough times for a lot of us. But if we can spend five dollars a day on coffee or some other nonsense that we don’t need, ten dollars a month to hear the word of God by these dedicated people is not a big deal. And those of us who can give more, please do. Because as we see the cost, it’s not cheap. I don’t know, I’m not technologically savvy, I have no idea what I’m talking about, but you see how the thing was down the other day. So, they need more finances I guess to get more bandwidth or whatever. I don’t know. Please people, let’s give as much as we can. God bless you Blind Tony, Slave of Jesus, Victoria Soldier, Pastor Gene, Dennis Johnson Jr., Rebecca from Michigan, all of the regulars and __ the people. I used to call it a lot. I know I don’t call it a lot. I don’t call it all the time. But I’m so grteful for __ that do. God bless you. Thank you. You again Brian and China’s doing an amazing job on Chronological. God, bless. Have a great day.

Good morning daily audio Bible community. This is Robin from Florida and I’m calling about the December 31st __. I’m humbled __ by everybody that called in, there were four people, John, Jordan, and to others whose names, I’m so sorry… But the one was a __ warrior. And I couldn’t believe how much you remembered or wrote down and shared with regard to wanting to know how prayer requests have been answered. It was amazing and I’m very, very blessed and honored to be here this year. This will be my first year actually walking through the Bible from beginning to end, Lord willing. So, I just wanted to wish everybody a happy New Year, and I concur with John, Brian, God bless you for your efforts. You’re a tremendous gift to all of us and your wife as well. So, thank you very much both of you. This is a big commitment and very time-consuming I’m sure. So, it’s a great honor to be part of it. I’d like to end with a prayer request and a short prayer. I have a sister, only one sibling. We lost one of our parents over the last several years. She’s older than me. And she doesn’t speak to me anymore. And it’s a long, long story. We all have those. But she’s not a believer. And I haven’t phoned in for her. First, in that area and then for our relationship to be restored. Her name is the Dichelle and she lives very close to me. And it makes it even more difficult. So, please, lift our relationship up. And if it be God’s will, that she would be saved and our relationship would be restored. And now with a prayer. Thank you, so much for listening and for the prayer. Lord God, thank You for this beautiful Florida day, not a cloud in the sky, cool temperatures, and just surrounded by beauty as I sit here in my yard. I am surrounded by Your word and love Your word. I’m grateful that…

God blessed 2018 DAB family. This is __ from Canada. What an absolutely enriching year 2017 was around the global campfire. Brian, as our shepherd, you have kept us accountable, nourished, guided and grounded with the word of God fresh every day. God has given you vision, insight, and amazing ability for commitment. All glory and praise to God. Thank you, for all you do. And may He continue to shine his grace upon you and your family. Thanks also to Sarah Jane and her team and to all those involved in launching new app. China, you are a rare gem young lady. The interview with your dad made me very emotional. I will be journeying with you on the chronological walk. You are definitely an inspiration to me. I bought a chronological Bible more than two years ago and I’ve just barely touched the cover. So, thank you. And glory and praise to our God who has given you the ability and courage to take this forward step of faith. My praying dabblers, I’ve always wanted to attend the More Conference, but couldn’t for various reasons. This year will be different, so, I covet your prayers that the Lord will allow me to go. And finally, I love this community that transcends all borders. Where else would __ and Canada be praying for __ , pastor Gene in Florida praying for is little Sharee in Canada, Blind Tony calling in words of inspiration, and Annette from Oklahoma City, keeping a smile on her face and just the sound of her voice. Guys, you get the gist. DAB is a wonderful kind, community. We pray, love, encourage, rejoice and cry together because God is with us. Love and blessings everyone. Keep smiling.

Hi this is Eunice from New Jersey. And I just want to say hi to my Daily Audio Bible family. I want to thank you all for praying for me. For those who don’t know me, I’m from New Jersey and was diagnosed with advanced cancer and I was really given a death sentence. But there was a lady who called in around December 18th. I didn’t get your name, but you really prayed and you said everything that I needed, everything that was in my heart. You prayed that my life be a testimony to my doctors, to my coworkers, to my friends and my family, that my family be there for me. You prayed that God give me strength through all this, and wisdom to carry it all. You said that you loved me and that I wasn’t alone. And, so, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I also wanted to thank a gentleman, also from New Jersey. I believe his name is Jay, but I could be wrong. You, really touched my heart. And it’s not just you too, I know that there are other people in the Daily Audio Bible family who have been praying and I just want to thank you all. I love you all. I wanted to thank Brian and Jill for even creating this community. And I just want to say that China, congratulations on the Chronological order plan that you have. And I just want to say to everyone that I really…even though I’m depressed…and even though it’s hard to deal with what I’m going through right now…I also know God works everything for good for those who love Him and for those who are called according for his purpose. So, even though I’m depressed, also rejoicing in the fact that God is given me this life, including what I’m going through right now. So, I just ask you to continue to pray for me and I’ll continue to pray for you. I love you all and thank you again.

Hi DAB family. This is Joyce in California and I just wanted to say thank you so, so much to my family. You’re are also precious to me. Your prayers just poured in and it was just amazing. I have never felt so calm, so protected, so loved. And I got so much work done and it was supernaturally efficient because of your prayers and because of the love of God in my life. You guys, thank you so much, because that month of December should have been the hardest month of my life and what was my birthday and Christmas and all that, but you guys just made it the most joyous and most beautiful month of my life. And you guys, this precious DAB family has been the greatest blessing of my life. Thank you so much. And I just wanted to let you know that my test results will come back in January, probably the third or fourth week of January. So, I’ll be calling in and letting you know what’s going on. So, anyways, I’ll also be updating on the DAB Friends, Facebook friends page. So, if you want to find out what happens just go there too. I love you all so much. And I want to thank you for prayers for reconciliation for my family because that actually happened this Christmas and in early January, this week. So, anyways, my time is running out. I just want to say I love you so much and I’ll call back with that story some other time. Okay. I love you. Merry Christmas and happy new year to everyone. I just love you so much. Okay. Bye-bye. Okay. This is Joyce in California.

4 notes · View notes

thegurlbehindthesmile · 4 years

Text

Ticks

Isnt it interesting the ticks you develop while trying to cope with anxiety- even being just uncomfortable-full of tension.

(*Dressed in Black*-Sia)

When i’m overwhelmed with tension...anger, ill roll my neck over and over to try and crack is. rubbing it with my hands again and again. Instantly its a tension headache rushing blood to my head- a gold ball of a knot forming as whatever fuse i have ignites.

If i’m uncomfortable ill sometimes get hives, on my chest, collar bone, arms. My ears will get itchy and red. my thighs will become uncontrollable itchy under my jeans, like an itch you just cant seem to make go away.

If i’m upset i tend to roll and rub my hands, ill rub my shoulder in a certain spot- my hair becomes uncomfortable, my clothes become uncomfortable- everything gets hot.

When i was younger i don’t remember when it started...

i don’t remember where i learned it.

Now as an adult i can finally try and look back and do this replay- as i try and watch and figure it all out.

*Chandelier (Piano Version)* -Sia

When you Google Self Harm a bunch of sites come up about differing from cutting to suicide. As you dip into all the words things like “learning to deal with deep distress and emotional pain” Apparently cutting has some chemical way of helping one cope with the feelings one can express?-feel?-understand? totally get that- i mean now of course. At the time all you get is a bunch of people and doctors questionably starring and asking why would you want to kill yourself.

..”I’m not.”

BUT alas- i imagine unless you’ve been through it you don’t really understand it. I guess i was going through some deep shit and had no understanding of how to actually process those feelings and harming myself was; a relief. SOmetimes it felt as if there was this scratch under my skin that i just couldnt itch. When the world flooded in and the noise got to much to bare; just a tiny scratch- and i was able to breathe- i was able to finally cry- i was able to feel. i always felt numb. (emotional bandwidth at maX capacity!) i could neither take in more feelings or even function through the ones i was having. I feel like i was a zombie. recklessly behaving in all sorts of ways- searching for ways to “feel” - not even fee better just- feel.

i was young.. in love.. heart broken- hurt- happy. it was a wild ride. i would rather not walk down high school memory lane at this moment. lets just say i imagine i was like any other typical teenager, i just couldn't get a hold of my shit-at all. *shrug emoji*

At the time it feels like the world is melting and heavy, but after it feels like a blur- like a black out. All prior chemicals have now left like a flood out of the brain and your left questioning a moment- “did that just happen?” I swore sometimes i didnt even remember doing it- just remember see the small scratches with such curiosity.

I dont remember stopping. I dont remember the problems going away or feelings disappearing. Just filed into the library of my mind to pick up again if id like to revisit hell. There was no ground breaking “end” ceremony where i pledged to never harm again.

Time just seemed to go by. I was all a sudden- never really alone that much (as before i was) I soon began a relationship that started young and catapulted me into the marriage i’m in today. For most of the first 7 or so years we spent a large majority of our time together ( quite literally) we worked together, lived together, and spent all of our free time-together. somewhere in that 7 years i became some else- none of that was on my mind at all.

*Breathe Me* - Sia

It’s very confusing (as a person) because i am generally SUPER optimistic. I literally cant seem to let many things get me down. In most reality scenarios i am the clear headed player who can come up with some happy arrangement and continue through the stress or dilemma with a huge smile.

Today i continue to be this person but any quiet alone moments usually bring on some sort of tear fest. This flood of overwhelming feels as if i had been holding it all in from some cry before. Its gasping- and tears- and dry eyes and throat. Gut wrenching hurt crying. pure sadness. i can feel it- the sadness- it literally hurts.

This was the moment i realized i was “one of those people” all a sudden i was my young self- the room got tight- the worlds noise got too loud and the darkness whispered its magic “relief”. deep breathes is an understand. counting. breathing...breathing...trying to breathe. loud music is an understatement. my headphones vibrating against my head to a melody that hopefully numbs out the whispers. and then it would stop. eventually enough music and the monster stops.

exhaustion- hunger - thirst.

if im lucky the word will let me sleep a little. my brain finally quiet. no thoughts. just sleep.

0 notes

pinkrabbitpro · 7 years

Text

The Weight of the World

by PinkRabbitPro

Summary: Cat Grant is mentally ill.

Disclaimer: I’ve this running around in my head for awhile, and dropped it several times for various reasons. It deals with Cat’s mental illness, missed meds, a bit of a breakdown, and Kara realizing that choices she’s made may have made some things harder for Cat. If any of those things might bother you, please avoid.

AO3 Link

Cat Grant is mentally ill.

That she is beautiful and brilliant and more than a little successful doesn’t change that fact. Sometimes, it seems to even enhance it.

Technically, Kara Danvers knows these facts. She’s picked up the prescriptions for assorted medications, the names of which drew worried frowns from Alex when mentioned, she’s heard Cat’s bitter jokes, and even seen a few serious signs, but most of the time she doesn’t really believe them. Most of the time Cat is fully in control, and if she’s acid tongued or bitter, it’s to a purpose. Most of the time, Cat Grant seems far too large a figure to be betrayed by her own grey matter, too intense, too smart, too...

And then she enters her boss’s darkened office after hours one night.

Cat hasn’t left for the day—Kara just spoke to her driver—and she’s not in the meeting rooms. Kara stopped by on the way up from the garage. Given her workload, Cat should be in her office, but she’s nowhere in evidence.

Not at first.

Then Kara uses super-hearing and picks up the too rapid flutter of her heartbeat, the rhythm distinctive enough to be easily recognized. A moment later, she finds the rapid timbre of her breathing under the air conditioning sounds, running fast and shallow. “Ms. Grant?” Kara whispers, senses immediately on alert. The other woman has enemies, more than a few capable of turning violent.

If she’s in danger, it might explain the lack of response.

Tipping up her glasses, Kara begins scanning the room on a wider bandwidth, seeing through the walls and furnishings. She finally spots her boss in the small niche that leads back to a private office and washroom. She’s sitting on the floor, back pressed firmly against the rear wall, arms wrapped tightly around her folded legs, head down, face hidden in her knees.

The body language is so not Cat Grant that Kara freezes. On the verge of panic, she double checks herself to make sure the woman wearing Cat’s clothes is actually Cat. It’s her and there’s no blood or any sign of injuries. She scans further. No one else is in the area unless they can hide from Kryptonian super vision. Which is very unlikely.

“Ms. Grant?” Kara repeats and cautiously moves forward.

Cat shivers and ducks her head, hiding her face more firmly.

Kara doesn’t know what this is, but it’s not normal and not good. She reaches Cat and kneels down beside her in an instant. “Cat?” she whispers, scared now. “Are you hurt?” She doesn’t quite touch the woman, but flutters her hands close, hunting for any sign of injuries. “I can call Supergirl—”

“Don’t,” Cat hisses, her chin snapping up, her eyes wide, pupils blown.

Kara rears back ever so slightly, startled to realize Cat’s eyes and cheeks are glistening with tears. “She can get you to the hospital faster than—”

“Don’t,” Cat repeats, her voice ragged, but hard, almost angry. “Don’t play this game.” She drags in a harsh breath, her voice breaking and making her next words a plea. “Don’t make me play it.”

Kara freezes in the face of the raw emotion directed her way.

“Tomorrow I can probably do it again...” Cat whispers brokenly, her eyes dropping to avoid Kara. “...go back to pretending...”

“Pretending?” Kara whispers, struggling to sound confused, even though she knows exactly what the other woman is talking about. “You’re not talking about—” She starts to deny her ties to Supergirl, but Cat cuts her off.

“Please.” Cat’s voice breaks and her hand lands on Kara’s. “I know it’s my fault for panicking. I should have realized you couldn’t be her all the time, but I can’t...” Her voice fades and she’s silent for a long moment. “Reality’s already hard enough...”

Blinking rapidly at the threat of tears, Kara feels like her sternum might crack under the pressure on her chest as Cat babbles, just barely making sense.

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes desperately. “I shouldn’t have pushed. I don’t know how not to push, but I know...I know I screwed up, but please don’t...not now. I don’t know how you made it seem like there were two of you, but please stop. I can’t...” Her voice breaks and she can’t finish for a moment. “Just please stop,” she whispers after a beat.

She’s shaking and as Kara watches helplessly, she wrings her hands together, sharp nails dragging across the backs. Kara’s vision lets her see the ugly tracks that cut from her knuckles to her wrists. “Cat,” she whispers and draws Cat’s chin up, the pressure on her chest increasing at the hurt she sees in hazel eyes.

She did this, she realizes in a sick rush, deliberately made this woman doubt herself to protect her secrets even as she turned to her for support and advice.

Suddenly it seems hopelessly cruel.

“No more lies, not right now,” Cat begs while Kara’s still struggling to process what she’s hearing and seeing. “Please don’t make me.”

Kara can’t do it to her anymore. “I won’t,” she promises, sounding nearly as shaky as Cat. “But Cat,” she draws the other woman’s chin back up, terrified by the way she won’t meet her gaze, “you need to tell me what’s going on. What’s happened?”

Despite the firm hold keeping her chin up, Cat’s gaze slides away.

“Look at me, Cat,” Kara orders, using what she thinks of as her Supergirl voice. “Look at me.”

Hazel eyes finally swing back to meet Kara’s scared gaze, though there’s a glaze there that Kara has never seen before. Not drunkenness or exhaustion. Kara’s seen both of those. But a broken, lost quality that scares the hell out of her.

But at least, the older woman is listening now, if not tracking well. Kara keeps her voice firm, and speaks slowly and carefully. “You need to tell me what’s going on. Are you hurt? Did someone—”

“Meds,” Cat exhales. “Missed my meds.” Her shoulders twitch and she starts scratching—almost clawing—at her forearms. “Itches,” she mumbles.

It’s a struggle for Kara to stay calm and not simply sweep Cat up and rush her to the hospital, but she’s terrified of making things worse. She catches Cat’s hands, forcibly halting the scratching, though she’s careful not to cause additional injuries. “Did you take them when you realized you’d missed a dose?” She knows a bit about such things, but it suddenly occurs to her, it’s too damn little.

Cat shakes herself, visibly struggling to regain some control. “Two,” she says softly. “Missed two doses.” She pauses, then nods carefully. “Took a dose.” She scrubs a hand over her face, then mutters more coherently, “I took one dose.” She even manages a bit of Cat Grant frostiness when she mutters, “I know not to double up.”

“Good.” Kara pats her shoulder lightly. “I can take you to the hospital,” she offers, hoping Cat will agree. Instead, she shakes her head. She’s Cat Grant after all. Kara wonders how much of her refusal is rooted in the way the paparazzi will doubtless report the story. She’s under no illusions it would stay secret.

“I’ll be fine. Just need to take it easy for awhile.” Cat swallows hard and straightens her shoulders fractionally. She’s trying to pull herself back together, though it’s a shaky effort at best. Kara’s retreat from the need to lie seems to help. “I’ll be fine.”

Kara wants to argue, but she’s uncertain what’s best. “Is it okay if I call someone? A doctor. To see what she thinks.” It’s hardly Alex’s specialty, but Kara trusts her judgment and there’s no risk of a flashy headline. “She won’t tell anyone anything. I promise.”

Cat is silent for a long moment then finally nods.

Kara steps away and calls Alex, quickly explaining the situation. When she’d done, Alex carefully questions her for details she’s never thought about. At some point, she searches Cat’s desk and finds a discarded prescription bottle. The lid is off and it’s still half full. A half drunk glass of water sits nearby. She reads Alex the details off the bottle and hears her whistle softly.

“She’s in for a couple of rough days,” Alex diagnoses after a few more questions.

“This is my fault,” Kara whispers.

“What?” Alex asks in confusion.

“When I fooled her, made her think I wasn’t Supergirl. I made her think she was crazy. She begged me not to do that again—”

“You didn’t do this,” Alex argues. “Unusual chemistry did. Her brain doesn’t work like other people’s.”

“But if I hadn’t—”

“Kara, no. Her brain is different. That’s why she has an empire and people hang on her every word...and there’s a price to pay for that.” Alex sighs softly. “Some choices you made may have become the focus of her illness,” she admits, “but they didn’t cause it. Things like this would have happened if she never met you.”

“You didn’t see the look in her eyes, or hear her voice when she begged not to do that to her again.” Kara wipes away a few tears.

“You did what you needed to survive.”

Kara’s too lost in her own guilt to hear the regrets that underlie her sister’s flat tone. “But—”

“Save the self flagellation for later,” Alex orders, then softens her voice as she continues. “Right now she needs you, and you can’t help her if you’re lost in your own issues.”

“She looks so hurt.” Kara rubs at a few more tears.

“She is,” Alex sighs. “Bluntly put, she’s dealing with a chronic illness. One that she manages to hide most of the time, but right now it’s kicking her ass. Now, do you want to help her or wallow in guilt?”

Kara flinches as if struck. “Help her.”

“Okay,” Alex says kindly enough to make Kara realize the blunt words were no accident. “Then you need to understand something, she’s facing two problems. One, she doesn’t have the meds her brain needs to self regulate, so her mood, thought patterns, emotions, they’re all messed up.” She pauses momentarily before trying to explain. “Two, she’s taken these drugs long enough that she’s physically dependent on them. She’s literally in withdrawal.” She falls silent, giving Kara time to consider the explanation.

“The itching,” Kara says at last, remembering a stoner from high school who had a similar issue when he quit everything cold turkey. She can almost hear Alex nodding.

“That’s part of it,” Alex confirms. “That’s a common symptom of detoxing. You may also see other things—nausea, panic attacks, dizziness. She might even spike a fever. That’s all normal. Hopefully it’ll stabilize now that she’s had her meds, but it may take some time...”

“Does she need a hospital?” Kara whispers into the silence.

“Probably not. Two doses shouldn’t cause anything dangerous, but she’s needs to be under constant observation and if you don’t want to—”

“I’ll do it,” Kara says instantly.

Alex doesn’t respond to the immediate answer, simply asks, “Do you think she’ll talk to me?”

It requires some negotiating, and a lot of promises to keep her secrets, but finally Cat agrees. Kara’s about to hand the phone over when Alex says, “And, Kara, I need you to not listen in.”

Kara blinks in confusion. “But—”

“You’ve put me in a position of serving as her doctor, and as such, I have to respect her right to privacy.”

A hard swallow follows as Kara struggles with being blocked out. “But what if I need to know something?”

“I’ll tell you what I can,” Alex promises. “But only with her permission.” Her voice is firm—command mode activated. “Now hand her the phone.”

After doing as told, Kara steps back, deliberately not listening in as Cat speaks to Alex, though she can’t avoid hearing the dull, exhausted timbre of her voice or the slow cadence of her mostly one syllable answers. Finally, she taps the phone for Kara’s attention and hands it back with a tired sigh.

“Alex?” Kara can hear the fear in her own voice as she silently wills her sister to explain everything.

“She’s been through this before,” Alex says, sounding relieved. “Says she’s never had any dangerous symptoms. That’s good.”

Kara can hear Alex’s internal debate. “But?” she prompts.

“It’s no guarantee she won’t this time. Drug responses can be unpredictable.”

Casting a worried look the older woman’s direction, Kara checks on her physical condition as only she can. Everything seems within normal ranges, though Cat’s pulse and breathing are running fast. “Should she be in a hospital?” she asks, afraid of missing something.

She hears a soft sigh, then Alex gives a hesitant answer. “I think she’ll be calmer with you, but Kara, you need to monitor her closely. If she has chest pains, an irregular heartbeat or is straining to breathe or if she spikes a high fever, you get her to the hospital fast.”

“I will,” Kara promises as she glances back toward Cat, who’s still compressed into a tight knot and seated on the floor.

“I’ll keep the phone with me. You call if you have any questions, need anything.” She pauses again. “And Kara, if you need me to come, I will. I just think right now, she’s best off with you. She trusts you and that’s not easy for her. But I also think she’d probably trust me more than a random ER doctor, so we’ll work it out...that includes the DEO medcenter if need be.”

Surprised, Kara sucks in air, uncertain what Alex is saying.

“I’m not saying that because I think anything’s going to go wrong, but because I want you to know you have our full support if you need it...if she needs it.” Alex sucks in a breath. “She’s earned it. She’s been there every time we needed her, willingly risked her life and put herself in harm’s way. She’s one of us now.”

Kara’s throat locks down and she has to blink away a few hot tears.

She’s silent long enough that it must scare Alex because she finally asks, “Do you need me to come over?”

Peering over at Cat where she sits on the floor, arms wrapped tightly around her folded legs, face again hidden, Kara just wants to make things right again. As she watches, Cat looks up, moving slowly, like everything hurts, but there’s quiet trust in her eyes and a silent plea. “No,” Kara says after a long moment. Cat doesn’t deal well with people when stressed. “You’re right. She’s better off with just me.” She straightens her shoulders, accepting this responsibility. “I’ll take care of her.”

“Like I said, if you need help, I’m here. We’re here.”

Nodding, Kara says her goodbyes and hangs up, then goes to crouch down in front of Cat who’s put her head back down by then. “Hey there,” she says gently and reaches out to pet silky hair with a gentle hand. “Can you look at me?”

It takes a long moment, but finally Cat raises her head and takes a deep breath, clearly summoning her reserves. “You heard your sister,” she says clearly, though one hand closes tightly in what Kara realizes is a fight with the urge to scratch her arm. “I’ll be fine.” She waves a hand in a dismissive gesture. “You can go.”

A sad smile twisting her mouth, Kara shakes her head. “She also said you need constant observation,” she points out.

She’s almost relieved by the mutinous look directed her way. “Horrors,” Cat grumbles. “So do I get private restroom privileges or—”

“Cat,” Kara snaps to forestall a Cat Grant style distraction effort. “Now, is Carter at home or should I take you to the beach house?” She knows Cat will never let Carter see this side of her life if she can help it.

Cat withers ever so slightly. “He’s with his dad.”

“The penthouse then.” Kara’s relieved she can keep her closer to the city and the DEO. She carefully scoops Cat up, every touch gentle. In that position, she can feel the way muscles jump and twitch just under Cat’s skin. “We’ll get through this,” she assures the other woman once she’s safely settled.

The only response is a tiny, nearly repressed whimper.

Then she flies.

At the penthouse, she’s careful, handling Cat almost like she’s made of glass until it’s clearly getting on her nerves.

“I’m fine,” Cat growls and starts to push to her feet. Reality suggests otherwise when she wobbles and sinks back down. She doesn’t argue when Kara gets her a glass of water. A bit later she asks for M&Ms.

It gives Kara some insight into long term patterns when Cat mutters, “Sometimes the sugar helps.” She thinks of the sweets that Cat is careful to keep on hand and the patterns of when they disappear and when they don’t.

They’re a tool as much as the meds.

It drives the point home. She lives with this. It’s a constant in her life and has been for a very long time.

Shame curls in the pit of Kara’s belly as she starts to see all the things she’s carefully overlooked or though nothing of.

“Oh, stop with the Bambi eyes,” Cat mutters and turns a sharp, eye-rolling gaze Kara’s way. “None of this is your fault.

“But I—”

“No,” Cat says flatly. Reaching out, she catches Kara’s hand and tugs her down to put them on level. Her hand floats up to run a finger along Kara’s cheek. “This is about genetics and bad wiring.” Her eyes slip closed and there’s shame in expression. “My brain doesn’t work right.” Slim shoulders rise and dip in a helpless shrug. “It sucks, but I’ll survive and right now I can’t deal with your issues on top of my own.”

Kara wants to argue, not for the reasons most might, but because the notion this brilliant, powerful woman, one of the smartest Kara has met on any world thinks of her mind as not working right horrifies her on a visceral level. “On Krypton,” she says after a long moment of miserable silence, “the way your brain works would be considered a gift from Rao.”

Cat snorts. “Some gift,” she mutters, sounding tired and bitter. “Miss a pill, wind up sobbing in a corner.”

“And speak into a camera and inspire people to save the world,” Kara argues, suddenly understanding what Alex was trying to tell her. “Same brain, different day, and maybe you can’t have one without the other.”

Cat has no reply to that, so she simply sinks back into the couch and pops another M&M into her mouth, her gaze growing distant as she considers Kara’s words.

It’s less than an hour later when Cat’s breathing suddenly grows strained and a hand rises to clutch her chest.

“Cat?” Kara says, but she’s already moving.

“I’m fine.” But she doesn’t sound fine to Kara and her heartbeat seems odd, the motion of the muscle strange when Kara peers at it through her chest.

She calls Alex and picks Cat up at the same time, not giving her time to argue. “I’m bringing her in.” Her voice is raw with terror, though she’s trying not to scare Cat. “Chest pains.”

“I’ll have a team on standby.”

Kara touches down at the midtown location mere minutes later. Alex is there with a team and they’re moving the instant Kara has Cat on the gurney. Kara goes with them and no one tries to stop her as she holds Cat’s hand and tries to reassure her.

The whole time Alex is moving, running tests and using words Kara doesn’t understand until her own chest feels too tight and like she might be the one in danger of cardiac arrest.

She quickly loses track of time, knowing only that it feels like forever until Alex reappears and smiles at Cat encouragingly. “It’s not a heart attack,” she assures Cat and Kara at the same time. “Panic attack.” She nods to a nurse off to one side. “We’re giving you something that should help you relax, but it’s very mild.” Cat’s on oxygen and Alex notes how she tenses when she checks the feed. “You want to stay on the oxygen a bit longer?”

Cat nods. “Helps,” she mutters, her stress levels high enough that it takes effort to drag air into her lungs.

Alex takes the time to talk to Cat, asking questions and offering support as she tracks the monitors. Cat’s still stressed, but her body is stabilizing. She’s half asleep when Alex finally pulls away.

Kara follows close on her heels. “Is she really okay?” she asks her older sister. “Because it seems like a lot more than just...”

“Physically, she’s fine,” Alex fills in when Kara trails off. “Nothing in the tests show any cardiac or pulmonary issues and panic attacks can mimic heart attacks. But to be sure, we’ll keep her a couple of days, monitor her closely.”

Kara’s eyes slide closed and she heaves a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

“I told you, she’s one of us now.”

Kara understands that the simple words are an answer to a whole host of issues, though she’s relieved when J’onn stops by later to tell her much the same. It won’t be simple, but they’ll work things out.

It takes three days, enough blood tests that Cat complains about being under the care of vampires, and a lot of hours of sleep, but Cat stabilizes.

Kara sits with her nearly the whole time and on the rare occasion she needs to leave her, Alex takes her watch.

Mostly, she sleeps and by the time she’s getting a last checkup and preparing to leave, they’ve discussed none of the issues the “incident”, as Cat calls it, has raised.

Kara stands nearby while Alex goes over Cat’s test results and medication plan. There are strong reminders that she needs to see her regular psychiatrist, but also words of encouragement. As Alex leaves, she gives Cat and Kara both stern looks, then slips out.

Cat’s standing, sure footed and stable, her back to Kara as she changes. She’s never been terribly modest and several days in a hospital gown with Kara helping with much of her bodily care have erased what little she had where Kara’s concerned.

“You okay?” Kara asks.

Cat shrugs, drawing Kara’s gaze to the slender line of her bare back. She’s lost a bit of weight and she resolves to work on that. Cat has none to spare.

“Fine,” Cat responds without looking back. “I was lucky you got Supergirl to bring me in so quickly.”

Kara twitches, confused by Cat’s response, momentarily wondering if she’s had some kind of relapse. “I...Cat?” She listens for her heartbeat, frowning as she hears the way it’s running too fast. “What are you doing?”

Cat is silent for a moment as she shrugs into a button down burgundy blouse that Kara brought her from her closet at the penthouse. Finally, she picks up something from a rolling hospital table and pivots, careless of the way her blouse hangs open in front.

Kara drags her eyes from the strip of pale skin and the delicate curves on display to the thick stack of papers Cat thrusts at her.

“Following the rules,” Cat says and almost manages to keep her voice flat enough to hide any bitterness.

Almost.

Flipping through the papers, Kara speed reads enough to get the gist. Non-disclosure agreements, waivers, acknowledgments of state secrets and plenty of threats to see her locked away permanently should she release any of the information. She doesn't recognize the signing officer and wonders how they got past Alex and J'onn.

But Cat has no way of knowing any of that. She just knows she's signed on to a prison threat.

“I thought maybe there was finally some trust—some forgiveness,” Cat mutters, her voice thick with hurt. “Obviously I was mistaken.” She turns away again, but Kara can hear the too heavy thud of her heart. “So, as I said, thank Supergirl for—”

“No.” Kara reaches out before she can think better of it. Grabbing Cat’s upper arm, she’s careful not to cause any damage, but she’s insistent as she pulls her back around. “I had nothing to do with this and believe me, I won't let anyone hurt you.” And she holds out the papers with her free hand, a single blast from her eyes enough to incinerate them and send ash fluttering to the floor. “I’ve always trusted you,” she insists, ignoring the way Cat snorts. “I was never scared you’d blow my cover, but that you’d banish me.” She’s silent for a moment, then admits, “And I couldn’t bear that.”

Cat stills, but looks away.

“I’d found a home at CatCo and I didn’t want to risk losing it. When you fired me, I panicked.” She pauses for a long moment. “You know about panic and fear,” she says at last.

Cat pales and swallows hard. “I’d been cycling the night before,” she sighs, raising her free hand to her temple. “That’s when my brain locks on something, keeps bringing it around again, won’t let go...and all I could think was that you should be using your powers to save people, not heating my latté to perfection.” She finally looks at Kara, shame in her eyes. “I was being greedy, keeping you with me—”

“No,” Kara whispers, releasing Cat’s arm to cup her palm along her cheek. “Being Supergirl is wonderful and amazing, but it can’t be everything. You’ve taught me and challenged me and made me better in every way. All of me, not just the hero.”

Cat's eyes tip up and she's visibly fighting tears. “Oh, Kara, every part of you is a hero,” she sighs. “And you’ve done all that and more for me, and what you did for me this time...” She struggles for a moment, then simply whispers, “Thank you.”

Kara doesn’t pause to think, just wraps arm around slim shoulders and pulls Cat into a hug.

Cat turns into her, wrapping her arms around Kara’s torso and clinging tightly.

Leaning her cheek against pale hair, Kara cuddles her close, simply holding her. “It’ll be okay,” she whispers over and over as she feels Cat calm and settle against her.

Wrapping her arms around Kara, Cat rests her cheek against her shoulder. “This will happen again,” she says with quiet fatalism. “No matter how careful or attentive I am, it’s not possible to be perfect.”

Kara doesn’t let go. In fact, her hold tightens ever so slightly as if that would be enough to protect this woman from the vagaries of her own mind. “Then we’ll deal with it,” she promises. “Together.”

End

39 notes · View notes

unixcommerce · 4 years

Text

Mona Abou-Sayed of Mitel: Pandemic Created More Empathy for Remote Workers

Covid-19 forced a lot of folks who were used to going into an office every day to work from home.

And, while many of those folks will eventually go back into an office to work, a significant number of them won’t.

Even those that do go back will return to a completely different environment and workplace experience than they left. So what does that mean for small business going forward as we try to survive during the pandemic and position ourselves for success once the crisis is behind us?

That was the topic of a LinkedIn Live conversation I had earlier this week with friend and small business analyst Laurie McCabe, and Mona Abou-Sayed, VP of Collaboration & Applications for Mitel; a global market leader in business communications.

The discussion touched on a number ways the pandemic is fundamentally changing people, and how those behavioral changes is/will change business operations and customer engagement.

Interview with Mona Abou-Sayed of Mitel

Below is an edited transcript of a portion of the conversation. Click on the embedded SoundCloud player to hear the full discussion.

smallbiztrends · Mona Abou-Sayed of Mitel: Covid-19 Led Companies to Have More Empathy for Remote Workers

Small Business Trends: How are small businesses doing in response to the pandemic?

Mona Abou-Sayed: What’s happening right now is it’s a key event in our lifetime. There’s going to be Before COVID and After COVID, right? And the ones that are going to survive are the ones that are going to be able to adapt to how business is changing, how people are changing. And then at the same time you have all these cultural implications. I’ve seen a lot of businesses already transforming, especially small businesses, really transforming how they’re doing business.

I have a key friend, a mentor, that is totally transforming her business. And when are we going to start seeing change? I think we saw a change immediately. I think though, as we go into the next part of this is companies are going through different phases in how they’re reacting and learning and adapting. So, that’s where we’re going to start to see some real change.

Initially companies started in the phase of reaction, right? They are like, “Okay, now what do we do?” You had some companies, like you said, that were already prepared. So they immediately increased their licensing, increased their exposure to more employees in the organization. But others had nothing in place to handle the change, and so there was a lot of emotions, a lot of change for a lot of people.

And then as the big rush was passed, people were mitigating, learning to figure out how am I going to work in this new normal or next normal? How am I going to manage having a child over here e-learning right next to me using up the bandwidth that I need to have a meeting? Just getting this whole work life blend. And that’s when you started to see, I think, a lot of stress in people. Right? The workday has suddenly extended and encroached upon lunchtime and breakfast time and even dinner. There doesn’t seem to be an end to the day.

And then we’re kind of moving into this reassurance phase where we’re realizing, you know what? We’re just going to have to learn to adapt. And this is how we want to be able to move forward in business. And this is how we need to support our employees from a reassurance standpoint. We’re planning now how are we going to survive in the future. And then finally, we’re going to be in this recovery period over time. But I think we’re somewhere in between mitigation and reassurance, depending on where you were in the journey already.

Laurie McCabe: Mona, I think it really captures the way a lot of people think about this and are moving through this. We’re already seeing so many companies, and not just like the Googles and Facebooks or whatever, saying, “Okay, we’re going to extend work at home for a significant amount of time.” I mean, this local bank that I mentioned before, a lot of their employees, they’ve decided, they’ve learned, hey, they can do their jobs at home. And so we’re planning right now. I think they’re kind of in that reassurance phase, you mentioned. They’re planning how do we maybe rethink some of our applications, security, infrastructure kinds of things so that we can really do this better? Not just in that react kind of way we started with.

Mona Abou-Sayed: Absolutely. And I’m finding so many more creative solutions just from my social circle. Right? I have someone in my social circle that has a newborn child and they were going to be heading back into the office and daycare. And all of a sudden they found themselves trapped at home, both working full-time with a newborn baby and no childcare. What they told me exactly is, “Well, there’s no such thing as a workday anymore.” We have work that needs to get done, right? It’s not a place, it’s not a time. Work is an activity. We get it done when we get it done. And as long as you’re getting your job done… so it’s a complete mindset change. This time card concept and this where are you? Are you actually in the office? It’s totally changed. So it’s not even just work from home, it’s work from anywhere. It’s work from where you need to be.

Small Business Trends: Which one of these areas do you think small businesses are going to be most challenged by?

Mona Abou-Sayed: I guess it really depends on what kind of small business you’re talking about. So I would say depending on what kind of market you’re in, it would be different. What do you think, Laurie?

Laurie McCabe: Yeah, I agree. Obviously, if you’re a business that relies on a physical location and physical services, I’m thinking of the hairdressers and doctors and dentists and things like that. You’re going to have to figure out what goes on online and virtual well, and what doesn’t. Obviously if I have a skin rash, I can show that to my dermatologist. But if I’m having a heart attack, I really better call 911, get that ambulance and shoot on over to the hospital.

I personally think that in a lot of businesses, the biggest challenge is going to be in the culture like you were saying, Mona. It’s not about how many hours I see you sitting at a desk now, right? It’s got to be about really defining what are the outcomes for this employee and what can we do to help this employee achieve these outcomes, that all add up to what the business goals are. I think in some businesses that comes naturally, but in others, it’s hard. It’s hard to trust, and trust is really going to be at the heart of all this. Trust and really good objectives and defined roles and goals.

Mona Abou-Sayed: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. What I’ve really observed is the human connection and bringing back the humanity in what we’re doing. Humanizing work again, right? I think we kind of turned into robots at some point in time and bringing it back to reality and bringing your whole self to work. But essentially now, as a leader in a business, you’ve got to start thinking about your employee and their whole self, right?

Laurie McCabe: Right.

Mona Abou-Sayed: In the past where you may have been in the office, or you had the handful of remote workers, they were kind of accustomed to being on their own while not necessarily always feeling as engaged as they could be because the majority were in the office, they were used to that. What I really like about what we’ve been through is that we’ve really evened the playing field. Now everybody’s working from home and now we all know what it feels like for those remote workers. So I think in the future, we’re going to see a lot more empathy towards that type of environment, those people that are working alone. So, video conference calls are key and critical to that.

And then not just making it where it’s just a video call, I’ve even observed over the last several weeks. And when we get into a call now there’s a little bit more of this human connection at the beginning. And even bringing some fun to it, whether it’s playing a game or having a meeting theme and things like that.

Small Business Trends: How do you make sure that you get the right mix of skill sets and kind of cultural fit going forward?

Mona Abou-Sayed: I think much like we did interviews in the past where you had them meet a variety of people one-on-one and in a team setting, in a group setting, I think it’s going to become imperative to continue with video interviews and see how they are able to react.

I think we’re going to have to be a lot more creative about how we assess an individual’s capability to solve problems without having that interaction directly and be in this kind of environment. Several companies do use like personality and assessment tests and things like that. I think that measures some things, but I really want to see how are you going to react when you’re on camera and you’re talking to people that are not in the room with you? What is your body language? That’s important.

Laurie McCabe: I think also it’s important, obviously there are a lot of people that are shy or introverted and I’ve had people say to me, “I don’t know how you can do that. I don’t know how you can go on these videos or go talk in front of a group of people.” Some of us are very comfortable, others aren’t. And so there probably needs to be some kind of help so that the people that they’re just shy or more introverted, but they’re really good at doing their job, other than being on a Zoom or wherever kind of online meeting, they can do that comfortably and do it well and let their skillset shine through.

Mona Abou-Sayed: A key piece of that is once you do bring the employees in it really starts from the top. It’s a culture that starts from the top. If you are in meetings where leaders are not turning their video on or they’re scheduling, you’re never going to get that adoption, you’re never going to get that connection. But I believe there’s a balance to be had. I believe in the last few weeks, it feels like I’ve been on video calls from 7:00 AM to sometimes 6:00 and 7:00 PM. The video fatigue is real. And so it’s okay and acceptable. I don’t think we need to shame people when they have to turn their video off. That’s okay.

Laurie McCabe: Right.

Mona Abou-Sayed: But I think we need to encourage it by just humanizing it. And one thing that I’ve actually noticed is I get in calls sometimes and somebody’s kind of frantic and they’re like, “Well, my baby’s crying.” Pick up the baby. It’s okay.

Laurie McCabe: Yeah, yeah.

Mona Abou-Sayed: I’ve met dogs, I’ve met babies, I’ve met spouses. It’s great. I’ve seen tours of some people’s homes. We’ve got to kind of add this human piece. We all become real, right?

Laurie McCabe: Right.

Mona Abou-Sayed: We’re here as humans, we bring our whole self to work. You build so much better collaboration as a team when you can identify with people and those connection points are real.

One-on-One Interviews with Brent Leary

This article, “Mona Abou-Sayed of Mitel: Pandemic Created More Empathy for Remote Workers” was first published on Small Business Trends

https://smallbiztrends.com/

from WordPress https://ift.tt/37rKntB via IFTTT

#IFTTT #WordPress

0 notes

businessreviewguidenow · 4 years

Text

Mona Abou-Sayed of Mitel: Pandemic Created More Empathy for Remote Workers

Covid-19 forced a lot of folks who were used to going into an office every day to work from home.

And, while many of those folks will eventually go back into an office to work, a significant number of them won’t.

The discussion touched on a number ways the pandemic is fundamentally changing people, and how those behavioral changes is/will change business operations and customer engagement.

Interview with Mona Abou-Sayed of Mitel

Below is an edited transcript of a portion of the conversation. Click on the embedded SoundCloud player to hear the full discussion.

smallbiztrends · Mona Abou-Sayed of Mitel: Covid-19 Led Companies to Have More Empathy for Remote Workers

Small Business Trends: How are small businesses doing in response to the pandemic?

Small Business Trends: Which one of these areas do you think small businesses are going to be most challenged by?

Laurie McCabe: Right.

Small Business Trends: How do you make sure that you get the right mix of skill sets and kind of cultural fit going forward?

Laurie McCabe: Right.

Laurie McCabe: Yeah, yeah.

Laurie McCabe: Right.

Mona Abou-Sayed: We’re here as humans, we bring our whole self to work. You build so much better collaboration as a team when you can identify with people and those connection points are real.

One-on-One Interviews with Brent Leary

This article, “Mona Abou-Sayed of Mitel: Pandemic Created More Empathy for Remote Workers” was first published on Small Business Trends

source https://smallbiztrends.com/2020/06/mona-abou-sayed-interview.html

from WordPress https://businessreviewguidenow.wordpress.com/2020/06/12/mona-abou-sayed-of-mitel-pandemic-created-more-empathy-for-remote-workers/ via IFTTT

#shoplocal #businessreview

0 notes

susantregre · 6 years

Text

How I Lost 30 Pounds Without Consciously Changing My Diet

I had really given up on losing weight. In fact, we didn’t even have a working scale at home.

There were several reasons that I justified my surrender to dieting…

I was too busy to do it now.

Dieting always made me cranky and mean.

Life is short and I deserve to eat well.

Waiting until I FELT better would make it easier.

I literally didn’t have the ENERGY to lose weight…

You get the point. There were a lot more on that list. I just didn’t have the bandwidth in my life to tackle a diet. In my mind, I only had 15 lbs. to lose. So there was really no reason to upset my entire life just for a measly 15 pounds!

I kept having flashbacks to our last dieting fiasco and shuddering.

The Last Diet I Was On

I didn’t even start it to lose my own weight. I started it as emotional support for my husband who was even more frustrated than me about losing weight.

It was a year ago and we signed up for one of those diet plans that came with meals.

A series of REALLY LARGE BOXES showed up at our house filled with smaller boxes of snacks, shakes and fake food for meals.

The goal was to eat a ton of snacks, do a little math, eat all this food out of boxes and lose weight!

The reality of what ACTUALLY happened in the next month is a little embarrassing to share:

We tried. We really did.

For about 2 weeks.

But the food was not yummy.

I got super cranky.

I also have a really hard time remembering to eat 32 times a day so the crankiness turned into MEAN when I accidentally skipped a snack.

My husband wasn’t any better.

Our house became ugly. We were hungry.

And then when we decided to quit, we had a pantry full of expensive “food” that we hadn’t eaten and now felt guilty on top of fat.

I Will Not Diet Again

It is what I had decided. We lived last year like there was no diets in our future. And we gained weight.

The good news is that because we didn’t have a working scale, I had no idea HOW much!

For some reason that was a comfort to me.

And I bought bigger clothes.

Too Tired to Do Much at All

I noticed that I started to take an afternoon nap every day.

In fact, my body needed it so much if I tried to push it back or do something active instead, it did not go well!

So annoying. I have things to do. I have people to see!

I don’t have time for naps!

I started taking some supplements. I did a little research. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment.

Everything pointed to the fact that I am 48 years OLD!

The doctor did bloodwork and a thorough check up.

And one of the things they checked was my weight.

174 pounds.

174 pounds was the heaviest I was during pregnancy. I was shocked. I knew I was overweight, but I never expected that it was at TOP PREGNANCY LEVEL.

Ouch.

It was about this time that a FB friend messaged me about a new product that she was selling that helped with energy. It was a cup of “happy” coffee (and a supplement in the form of a pill). I drink coffee every morning so there really wasn’t anything to lose.

And the timing couldn’t have been better.

I had NO expectations of it working AT ALL.

Increased Energy & Feeling Calmer

Within an hour of drinking the coffee for the first time, I felt better.

It wasn’t that jittery energy at all. That kind of energy drives me crazy in the head in a matter of hours. This energy was more like…step-back-and-have-perspective, take-it-more-thoughtfully, you-got-this kinda energy.

I continued to drink the coffee and take the supplement each day. By the end of the week, I told a friend that she needed to try it because she had complained about being tired and not sleeping well lately.

She ordered some and the next time I saw her it went a little like this:

I lost 9 pounds in the first 4 days.

What?

The coffee! I feel good AND I LOST WEIGHT.

Hmmmm…come to think of it my clothes are pretty loose. I bet I have lost weight.

This stuff is amazing.

I need to find a scale!

When I finally found a scale, I was shocked to find that I had lost a bunch of weight. It ended up to be about 17 pounds in the first month with a total of 32 pounds within the first two months.

I wish I had taken a “before” and “after” picture, but since I wasn’t expecting to lose weight…it is a little late now. I looked back and realized I have been avoiding getting my picture taken for awhile. Finding something that was recent that could show the difference was not an easy task!

But Did You Eat Differently to Lose the Weight?

Yes and no.

Because I had increased energy and the happy coffee was decreasing my appetite, I found that I was able to make better food choices.

For instance, over the holidays I would normally have eaten ALL THE DESSERTS. But I didn’t have a taste for them and felt completely satisfied to eat one cookie or even a 1/2 a cookie.

A 1/2 a cookie?

It felt a little crazy to choose without a second thought to eat lighter.

I also lost my taste for fries and other salty food. Protein-rich foods tasted better to me…and salads.

Every morning I now make myself eggs for breakfast, I have a normal lunch and then in the evening I am not really hungry so I just grab a light dinner. Overall my portion size has dropped significantly and I don’t eat in between meals because I am not hungry.

It has decreased our food bill by a ton. I don’t veer into the Starbucks drive thru without thinking about it and when I do eat fast food, I skip the fries and soda because I am not hungry for them.

What Has Changed?

I have been walking every morning (20 minutes) and drinking a lot more water.

Drinking water used to be a challenge because I preferred the taste of something with flavor, but now I crave water. The happy coffee makes me thirsty and water is what quenches that thirst.

Now that I am at my goal weight, I am adding in some strengthening exercises. I found a pilates studio near my house that has reformer classes. What I love is that when I do an exercise class, it doesn’t wipe out my energy for the rest of the day.

Happy Coffee for the WIN (or LOSS)

I love this product so much that I decided to sell it. I didn’t decide that at first. It actually came about because my friends would see me at Target or bunco and see the difference and ask me what I was doing.

My next door neighbor didn’t even recognize me.

I kept sending these people to my friend who introduced me and then I realized that this is one of those things that is easily shared and no one has to be “talked” into trying because there is a full 30 day money back guarantee.

So I am in.

If you are interested in getting some for yourself, you can visit our online store at akaHappy.com.

Click on “view products”

I take the DOSE which is the Elevate coffee plus XanthoMax supplement. My husband has lost 25 pounds by just drinking the Elevate coffee (buying it in the tub is the least expensive way).

There is a 6 day trial available, but I recommend just ordering a month’s supply because there is a full money back guarantee, it ends up to be cheaper and what often happens is someone falls in love with the product on the 6 day trial and then it takes a week or so for them to get their regular order leaving them without it for a week.

Don’t be afraid of SmartShip – it saves you 10% and you can cancel it ON the website easily without talking to anyone at any time.

If you don’t like the taste of coffee or are sensitive to caffeine, then the Choclevate product has all the same ingredients but with a fraction of the caffeine. The happy coffee has about the same caffeine level as a regular cup of coffee and Choclevate has much less and tastes like hot chocolate.

I also have the smart coffee in “sticks” for when I travel. It makes it easy to continue drinking it when I am away from home.

Want More Information?

The website: akaHappy.com.

We have set up a FB group that is packed with all sorts of information and we answer questions there as well. You can join it: Happy Coffee with Holly and Jamie

Or if you would prefer just to send me a direct message on FB, you can do that by using our Happy Coffee page messages. <–by clicking there you will be directly in FB messenger chatting with me.

Hey, I know this all sounds way too good to be true. It feels that way to me!

The post How I Lost 30 Pounds Without Consciously Changing My Diet appeared first on Kids Activities Blog.

from Kids Activities Blog http://bit.ly/2RQZ93E

#Kids Activities Blog

0 notes

psychotherapyconsultants · 6 years

Text

Best of Our Blogs: February 5, 2019

It surprised me when it happened. And then when it happened again, and again, I realized we have a problem.

These days doctors don’t have the bandwidth to sit down and get to know you so when you start asking too many questions, you get branded as, “difficult,” or maybe even, “anxious.”

What my experience taught me is that doctors don’t have all the answers. Sometimes they’re rushed and make quick judgments. It’s important to find doctors and surround yourself with people who’ll listen to just what’s going on with you.

One of our top posts this week will even help you to cultivate more kindness for yourself while you’re going through this anxiety provoking process.

Do These 5 Things to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence (Childhood Emotional Neglect) – If your emotional intelligence is low due to a neglectful childhood, it’s not too late to catch up. Try these things to improve your life satisfaction and relationships.

Are You at Risk for Filicide? (The Exhausted Woman) – Sometimes parents do the unthinkable. Here are the reasons why they hurt their children and information on how to prevent this from happening.

Being Kind to Yourself When You’re Anxious (Weightless) – If you’re mad at yourself for feeling anxious again, read this.

Most Americans Who Divorce After 50 Do Not Remarry or Cohabit (Single at Heart) – This post reveals interesting information in the research regarding men and women who divorce later in life.

How to Change Your All-Or-Nothing Thinking (Happily Imperfect) – Your thinking could be triggering anxiety and depression. Here’s how to see yourself and situation in a more realistic light.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-february-5-2019/

#World of Psychology

0 notes

disparais · 7 years

Text

that piece cannot be moved

(aka my nightmarish week back "home”)

24 September:

i want to scream but i can’t because i’m not even the screaming type. how sad is that.

i distinctly recall blowing off a little steam at kt re my mom last night. can’t even recall what it was about now because i keep procrastinating writing this post in its entirety (please don’t blame me both neo and msl are having events hurhur and texting friends is infinitely more appealing than dealing with my crappy life). probably something about how she’s been even more of a control freak than she usually is this past week because she’s out of her mind with stress about my brother’s promos. (he is in really bad shape though he’s all set to fail math so i think i might have to stage an intervention tomorrow.)

today i was stunned when she verbalized the possibility that she had an anxiety/control issue in the car. she foreshadowed this topic on the way out, checking the stove a whole bunch of times (which is highly uncharacteristic of her) and wryly noting how similar her behaviour was to that of OCD patients she’d met. but the true shock came when in the backseat, she casually mentioned that it was probably a manifestation of her anxiety, and admitted that my brother’s prelims are making her antsy as heck (no shit, sherlock).

kt was so positive and encouraging about it. i hope things get better.

(later that day)

today i was incensed. i got back (from a strange dinner date with m s f - this was really uncomfortable, yet familiar. idk i am bothered by this too but more on this in a separate post) and g was telling me about how worried she was about lunch with cl/her emotional reaction/how ready she felt for a confrontation. i was texting g about that, when mom appears and is all like “why aren’t you (doing what you’re supposed to do)” rn.

i can’t calmly narrate this part so i’m just going to script-ify it, bless my auditory memory:

me: f is having some issues so i’m talking her through them (i’m so sorry f if you ever see this - i have to lie about which friends i’m talking to sometimes because dear ol’ judgmental mom has an issue with humans having human issues & she already sees g as a burden)

mom: why are your friends so emo? people will always have problems; no one’s going to remember this conversation in a while anyway

me (indignant): i care that i’m there for them when they need me, and i will remember this conversation, and i’m sure they care that i was there when they needed me. i’d rather be there for my friends than graduate with a fucking mbbs anyway

mom: your friends won’t be friends with you in future if you don’t have an mbbs

me: how dare you presume what my friends will be like??? sure some might change but right now not one of them is like that and i’m sorry you feel this way about friendships ?!?!

mom (with calm certainty): it’s difficult to be friends with someone not from your socioeconomic class. like imagine visiting their big house in bukit timah [and there being this awkwardness because they both know you’re not as well-off]

i was so ANGRY i could feel it in my extremities and all my blood just rushed to my head. it is vital that i get this conversation down on paper because i need to remember that every time i second-guess myself and 心软, i need to force myself to remember that i’m not dealing with someone who cares about my feelings (or, perhaps, anyone’s feelings).

don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me (in her own warped way). it’s just that she doesn’t respect me as an individual, doesn’t give a flying fuck about my feelings/dreams/me as a person in general, and doesn’t want to admit she’s flawed in any way. (which is why i’m never going to get a sincere apology + repentance from her, and why every time something goes wrong it’s everyone’s fault but her own - tbh this is everyone in the household other than me and rarely my dad UGH what is it with people and their inability to admit/take responsibility for their wrongdoings?)

26 September:

apparently, to this family, i am little more than an investment.

first she had to come argue with me in the damn shower. and then she had to drop bombs like those and now she expects quick healing. goodness. chernobyl is still a wasteland. it’s not as simple as downing a parlyz heal. even appendix cancer surgery pales in comparison. how do we recover from things like these?

we don’t, that’s how.

while sobbing my eyes out in the shower (if i can’t cry silently shit is pretty damn real because i can’t remember the last time i couldn’t suppress my sobs), i can admit that the following possibilities crossed my mind, some with a greater degree of seriousness of intent than others:

applying for a gap semester

transferring to fass and doing my dream job already ahh i got a taste of it again when editing s’ reflection and he said “your writing is damn imba” + “it’s like driving a toyota to servicing and getting a merc[edes] in return” hehe i was deeply pleased. this is something i excel at that effortlessly that i actually enjoy. why God why

离家出走, which brought me to...

...staying in capt permanently (i immediately ruled this out because i bet that woman would show up and bang my doors down since who lets investments run away? that’d make me a ponzi scheme)

legal emancipation (i wondered if i would get access to the admittedly-not-a-lot-of-money in the bank registered under my name), which brought me to...

...半工半读 and/or applying for scholarships/bursaries (a good idea esp when coupled with legal emancipation, methinks)

finality (but no i’ve considered this way too many times and whenever i do the math it’s never going to be worth it. first and foremost there’s the eternal wrath of my Creator to deal with. and i do not live for my family - my life is not theirs to 左右; there are so many beautiful things i live for like close friends and classical music and serendipitous moments and i know there is more ahead for me. my life is a symphony and i have barely finished my first sonata.)

27 September:

for the second time in my life, i caught myself doing the continent thing.

i chose to rant to f, who did tell me what i needed to hear, which was reassuring coming from her since i’m real stressed about us drifting apart. it seems as though s is her primary confidante these days and i’m not benchmarking, i’m really not (i haven’t figured out why since f means so much to me) - it’s just made me wonder if my importance has diminished. f knew to reassure me in terms of how desirable my time/company was (smart) because of how happy i made her (smarter). i think the misstep was telling me that everything would be fine again with family, and pulling out the ohana quote - i have no room in my life for emptily encouraging bs. but i reiterate, i drew much strength from the personal bit. and for that i am deeply grateful.

i’m vaguely sorry for pretending i was fine, but kt already has so much on her plate and i’ve already stretched her bandwidth on monday night so i felt like showing my brokenness to her wouldn’t be the best thing for her.

my gratitude knows no bounds. she effortlessly pulled me out of my (i am lost for words because “bad mood” doesn’t even begin to cut it).

because i was grappling with feelings of unworthiness/commodification, i really just needed to know that i was loved as simply myself, and no one else. not the doctor-to-be, not the daughter, not the comm member, not even the spiritual sister. just me. and she made me feel like i was enough. my mood lifted within like 5-10 minutes of talking to her, and mentioning 凤凰传奇’s most ridiculous songs (completely random on my end) sparked one of our most hilarious conversations to date.

i’m just so much lighter and happier, knowing that someone values me of their own volition.

#rant #family

0 notes

unixcommerce · 4 years

Text

Mona Abou-Sayed of Mitel: Pandemic Created More Empathy for Remote Workers

Covid-19 forced a lot of folks who were used to going into an office every day to work from home.

And, while many of those folks will eventually go back into an office to work, a significant number of them won’t.

The discussion touched on a number ways the pandemic is fundamentally changing people, and how those behavioral changes is/will change business operations and customer engagement.

Interview with Mona Abou-Sayed of Mitel

Below is an edited transcript of a portion of the conversation. Click on the embedded SoundCloud player to hear the full discussion.

smallbiztrends · Mona Abou-Sayed of Mitel: Covid-19 Led Companies to Have More Empathy for Remote Workers

Small Business Trends: How are small businesses doing in response to the pandemic?

Small Business Trends: Which one of these areas do you think small businesses are going to be most challenged by?

Laurie McCabe: Right.

Small Business Trends: How do you make sure that you get the right mix of skill sets and kind of cultural fit going forward?

Laurie McCabe: Right.

Laurie McCabe: Yeah, yeah.

Laurie McCabe: Right.

Mona Abou-Sayed: We’re here as humans, we bring our whole self to work. You build so much better collaboration as a team when you can identify with people and those connection points are real.

One-on-One Interviews with Brent Leary

This article, “Mona Abou-Sayed of Mitel: Pandemic Created More Empathy for Remote Workers” was first published on Small Business Trends

https://smallbiztrends.com/

from WordPress https://ift.tt/37rKntB via IFTTT

#IFTTT #WordPress

0 notes