#i dont know how to express negative emotions right. i feel stupid and angry and upset.

[roboraindrop]

Honestly I do not know how much longer I can be Like This (:

[innittowinit]

Abandoned amusement parks are the best place for young children  (chapter 22)

Fic summary:

Techno, Tommy, Wilbur and Phil have been hanging out at the abandoned amusement park in the woods since they moved in. Techno likes knowing he's definitely alone with his brothers Tommy likes climbing on the old rides Wilbur likes having a place to play his music Phil likes spending time with his younger brothers

That is, until a group of brothers calling themselves the 'dream team' move in down the road. Will the sleepy boys give in and share the park or will they succeed in scaring the new kids off?

Chapter summary:

It's wednesday. Eret was still plauging on their mind's and yet they still had to meet up with the Dream Team

Chapter word count: 2123

AO3

Something just.. wasn’t right.

They had shown up invited this time, had made extra sure they weren’t being threatening (he hadn’t even brought his nerf guns!) and had watched multiple videos on how you're supposed to treat your friends and still, the ‘sleepy bois’ were acting like they didn’t want to be here.

Or maybe it was like 2/4 of the brothers who didn't want to be there. Techno and Wilbur were both acting off, very off. For a while, Dream had panicked that this may have been their fault, that he or his brothers may have done something unintentionally horrible enough to completely destroy the only sembilience of trust they had - but the more he watched them, they seemed more sad than angry, more hurt than annoyed.

The first warning sign had been Wilbur snapping at Dream.

===

While watching Techno play some game about farming on his DS, Wilbur sat braiding a section of his hair. Recently he had been trying to learn from both Niki and various youtube tutorials, the action of doing someone’s hair was strangely relaxing and it often left him a little upset at the fact that he had no sisters. What he did have instead was Techno and -in his opinion- Techno’s hair was far prettier than any of the girl’s in their class.

Braiding got hard and confusing but it calmed him down, the repetitive action felt similar to how he felt while clicking on a fidget toy but slower. It kept his hands busy but he had to keep his mind active to make sure he was keeping it aesthetically pleasing, it was really just a nice way to wind down. Plus! Techno liked it too!

The events of earlier that day still plagued his mind. It hurt so incredibly much to try and accept that someone he had trusted so much would betray them so easily. Was Eret ever their friend? Was it a joke from the beginning? Would there ever be anyone who would want to actually be their friend? It sure as hell didn’t feel like it. Everybody would always say they loved them then leave, just like Eret, just like their parents.

Being with his brother helped though, it reminded him that, despite everything, he had three people who were always going to love him and have his back.

Tommy was always going to be chaotically positive. Phil was always going to be strangely parental. Techno was always going to be his best friend.

As much as he believed that blood was thicker than water, the human body couldn’t survive on it’s blood alone, it needed water too. He had his brothers but friends like Niki were unfortunately far too rare.

The comfort of being alone with his brother was quickly cut short as Dream had approached, clad in a green hoodie and a new mask. It looked hand made, like they had paper mached it around a balloon and drew on the face with a sharpie, there were also a couple stickers stuck to it but they were pretty small and looked like they were from shows that Wilbur hadn’t watched. Still though, he looked happier than the last time they saw him (that wasn’t hard to do though, he had his mask this time.)

“Hey guys” The boy had hummed as he sat down near the twins, pulling his knees up on the bench and holding them close to his chest. “Why’re you alone? We were going to play bulldog in the forest if you want to join in”

Wilbur just stared back at him, talking felt like such a hassle right now, he didn’t even want to deal with it. It was just so exhausting.

“Uhm...so you don’t wanna talk.. That’s fine uh” Dream had spluttered out, clearly not expecting such a non-response from Wilbur who was usually the most eloquent one out of the four brothers. “That’s fine, that’s cool. You don’t need to talk if you dont wanna!”

Wilbur almost felt bad. Almost. It was clear that Dream was making an effort, it was clear he was trying his best, if this had been when they first met Dream would have likely made fun of him for not talking but he had learnt from spending so much time with them that sometimes people just didn’t want to talk. As nice as it was to know he was trying to be helpful, Wilbur really just did not want to talk to anyone right now. In all honesty, he didn’t even want to talk to Techno. All he wanted was to sit silently and braid his brother’s hair.

“So uh” Dream cleared his throat, looking to Techno this time when he finally accepted Wilbur wouldn't be communicating with him. “Do you two wanna play bulldog with us? Phil and Tommy are gonna play”

Techno took one look at Wilbur and shook his head. Personally, he wouldn’t mind playing with them, making some new friends might be nice after everything that had just happened but Wilbur was just very clearly not up for talking to anyone.

Sometimes people were upset, sometimes you just needed some time to strop and get out all the negative emotions. Techno wasn’t in any position to tell Wilbur he couldn’t feel the way he felt.

“Oh? Do you want us to wait until you’re finished with your DS? What’re you playin’?”

Shuffling over on the bench, Dream tried to take a peek at the game, seeing Techno tapping quickly on different buttons as his character farmed some crops. It didn’t look too interesting but hey! He had learnt that he shouldn’t insult people for what they enjoy.

“Jesus fucking Christ Dream!” Wilbur finally snapped, pushing the boy away roughly. Maybe he was being a bit short-tempered and mean, maybe they had specifically set up this day so they wouldn’t end up fighting but god dammit Wilbur was upset and he was absolutely ready to make that everybody else's problem.

“Just go away! We don’t want to play your stupid game!”

It was clear that Dream had been a little upset by what Wilbur had said, staggering back a little and getting up from where he had been sitting. Despite the fact that neither boy could see his face they could somehow still read his expression, maybe because he was overly expressive with his body parts to make up for the covered face.

“Oh um.. Okay I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pressure you”

Techno sighed, giving Dream a sympathetic look as if to say sorry and then giving Wilbur a bit of a stern glance, clearly upset with his brother for getting mad like that.

Wilbur didn’t care.

Techno could furrow his brows all he wanted, Wilbur was mad.

=== The second warning was a passing comment made by Wilbur.

This time, the twins had finally decided to join in with the group, it had been right after everyone else had finished playing Bulldog so they were pretty out of breath, meaning all they were doing was sitting around talking.

Tommy was leading the conversation, hopping around and pointing to all his favourite climbing places, every now and then he’d grab someone by the hand and tug them up to show them something. It felt like he really just could not be tired out. Even so, the boy was good at reading people, it wouldn’t be surprising if he was acting extra energetic because he had noticed his big brothers being upset and wanted to give them the chance to pull back from talking if they felt like it. He was young, yes, but out of all four brothers he was probably the one who was best at understanding his own emotions.

“So over there is the big dipper!” He was jumping up and down as he pointed to a large blue drop tower that was partially under the ground. “It goes up super high but then it goes into this big pit! Sometimes I like to climb to the top and sit there!”

Phil’s eyes went wide “Tommy you what?!”

George wasn’t too interested in this explanation of the rides, if he was being honest, he was just sleepy from doing so much exercise after already walking around all day at school. The boy flopped backwards into the dirt, taking off his sunglasses and folding them besides him as he closed his eyes.

It felt nice to just lay in the sun, his brothers teased him a lot for always being so sleepy (it wasn’t uncommon that he would miss appointments or commitments because he hadn’t set an alarm) but it was just so nice and so relaxing to just ignore the outside world for a moment and think. Sometimes he felt like he’d probably be good at meditating but then again his brother’s would absolutely not leave him to chill out long enough for that.

He had been expecting to be either left alone to doze off in the sun, or for one of his brother’s to tug him up and make him stay awake, what he was not expecting was for Wilbur and Techno to join him in laying down.

“The sun is nice today” Techno had mumbled as he closed his eyes, clearly getting a little more comfortable with the boys than he had been previously.

Understandably, George was shocked to hear him talking but he decided that maybe it would help if he didn’t bring attention to it and make it a big deal, he knew Dream was only able to show his face in their house if everyone made sure not to comment on his birthmark, if they did the mask was always brought back out.

“Yeah..it’s nice but it makes me tired.”

Wilbur nodded,George was right a lot of the time; it felt light and warm, unlike the humid air that had caused him to snap earlier. Honestly he felt a little bad about it, he had obviously hurt Dream and he didn’t even apologise. Phil would surely be disappointed in him if he heard about what happened.

“I don't understand why you guys are trying to be our friends” Wilbur confessed, scooching up a little closer to Techno so he could hold his hand. “I understand liking Phil and Tommy but why us? Nobody likes us. Sometimes I wish you would stop trying, I already know how this is gonna end”

Wilbur rubbed at his eyes with his free hand but it wasn’t like the other two could tell since they had their eyes closed thankfully. George wanted to object, to tell them that they did like them and that this wasn’t going to end how he thought it would but he couldn’t bring himself to say it. He didn’t know what Wil meant when he said how it would end and it wasn’t like he could just tell them they were wrong about their previous experiences with people. He ended up pondering what he could say for so long that by the time he had a plan laid out in his mind it had been too long to reply and he had already unknowingly made the decision to just stay quiet.

Dream had heard him though. Dream had seen him rubbing at his eyes. Dream had noticed how he held onto Techno before talking about it.

Something was definitely wrong.

===

Eventually Dream decided that enough was enough.

Today was the day when they would finally talk it out, there should be no upset, no turmoil, no arguments, and yet here they were, upset.

At first, he had been tempted to just call them out in front of everyone but under better thought he realised that was most likely a very very bad idea. He wanted to help, not make things worse.

Instead, he just waited for Tommy to drag his brothers and Phil over to the ‘white house’, saying he had to show them around. It seemed like Techno and Wilbur were planning on staying back so really it was the perfect time to talk to them about it.

Once everyone else had left and was out of ear-shot, Dream made his way back over to the boys, absolutely ready to get yelled at again (which really he didn’t mind if it helped Wilbur feel better). This time though, he didn’t sit down; he just stood in front of them and crossed his arms, wanting them to know he was being serious.

“Wilbur. You’re obviously upset, okay? I understand if you’re mad we’re in your park and we’ll leave if you want us to but can you please just talk to us first?”

Wilbur sighed and rested his head on Techno’s shoulder.

Something wasn't right.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Im going to explain my personality so you can confirm or deny if im an infp 5w6. Firstly I do relate to 5s fear of being useless and incapable. I dont go out of my way to help anyone, but if someone wants me to help them, I will try to do what I can or give them advice. If im not able to help them I say something obvious/vague so it still looks like I know what im talking about. I really hate looking stupid or feeling inferior to anyone. I also hate feeling powerless.[1/8]

I feel so pathetic when I cant do anything to influence something in certain situations. I relate to 7s fear too. I hate feeling any type of negative emotion and I just want to enjoy myself and have fun. I care very much about satisfying my own desires just so I can feel better and not feel like im forcing anything on myself or doing anything unwillingly. I also hate feeling like someone is controlling me or has any power over me. I love having freedom to do whatever I feel like doing.[2/8]              

Restrictions make me angry. Im an observant person and im not great at talking to people or forming any type of relationships with anyone. Its hard for me to find people I can get along with. Im opinionated and I love sharing my perspective on things with everyone to see what they think. I enjoy making people not able to counter my points. It usually means I have evolved my way of thinking or the person wasnt very smart. Im surprisingly good at manipulating people without even realizing it.[3/8]            

           Im extremely suspicious of people so it takes me years to trust anyone. Ive been considered selfish by many people but I think its because theres no way I can possibly understand anyone besides myself. Isnt it pointless and rude to make assumptions about someone? And I would rather not risk being wrong. I am great at predicting what someone will do. With people im close with or have a good understanding of them, I know exactly what they will say and what their next actions will be.[4/8]            

           Im usually never wrong about this. I am confident in myself and I am aware of my limits. I am not afraid to confront someone if I feel like I need to to feel satisfied. I am mainly concerned about how something will benefit me or how I feel rather than how others feel. I can easily come up with a bunch of ideas or solutions in most situations. When I think of solutions I have no problem considering everything detail to find a perfect solution or offer multiple if there is nothing ideal.[5/8]            

           Im a quiet person. I am very competitive when I care about something. Winning is always important to me. I am very pessimistic because I hate disappointing myself. Id rather be surprised than disappointed. I like when things are less organized because of how interesting things can get. If I say something, Im obviously confident in the trueness of it so when someone says I am wrong I get confused/offended and panic until I can convince them I was actually right.[6/8]            

           If im wrong about something I start to question what is actually true and doubt ability to be correct. I am prideful so I hate having to accept being wrong. I seem uncaring to a lot of people but sometimes I do actually care, im just not very expressive of those feelings. I am very defensive of myself. If someone even touches me I am instantly ready to attack whoever it was, I usually dont, I prepare just in case. You never know what can happen.[7/8]        

           I can be very dramatic/panic if I feel completely hopeless which isnt very often but often enough to mention. To avoid overthinking, im impulsive when I make decisions or do something. Thinking just wastes time in some situations. I am considerate of people I care about. Im not afraid of negative things happening because they havent happened yet so why would I be worrying about it. This is a lot so I'm going to end it here. Hopefully I included all of the relevant information about myself.[8/8]            

------------------

Hi,

You sound like neither an INFP nor a 5 and I think you’re an ExTP 7. There is also a decent amount of contradiction in here, which may be situational but might be a sign that you need some more time to get a better understanding of your own personality (as many people do - if you’re in your teens or have low/no Fi, this is very normal).

To start off, you mention that you relate to 7 as well, and you provide considerably more evidence in favor of that - avoiding negative emotion, indulging in your desires, impulsivity, and so forth. 5 is really not indulgent nor avoidant of negative emotions, and 5s as a rule aren’t particularly good with people or manipulation either as they will almost always rather withdraw from the situation. 7′s core fear is to be trapped or deprived and unable to do what they want, and that sounds by far the most accurate. My guess is 7w8 here, and possibly with an 8 fix as well.

There is really nothing that looks like high Fi in this, to be honest. Ti is the function that tends to be motivated and excited by making other people unable to counter their points. High Ti users tend to enjoy arguments for arguments sake (vs. for a specific goal) and Ti-Fe users tend to be more interested in getting everyone’s perspective than Fi-Te users. Fi-doms are also typically not very good at manipulation; when unhealthy they tend to get invested in authenticity and thinking everyone else is fake but they don’t really need the approval of others in the same way, so there’s not that same motivation to manipulate in the first place. On a more positive note, Ti users do like problem-solving and tend to take pride in that ability.

You mentioned you’re a quiet person, but so much of this question is about interacting with other people, being somewhat confrontational, and being impulsive. Overall I think there is very prominent extroverted perceiving and better Fe than Si displayed here - the overall style seems very extroverted to me.

I could go with either Se or Ne as a lot of this was general extroverted perceiving; both can be pretty good at predicting things since Se tends to pick up on many tiny details (ESxPs are among the best at reading people) and Ne tends to think of so many possibilities that the right one is often among them; both often can come up with multiple solutions, and so on. There’s nothing that specifically points to one or the other here for me (and they can be hard to tell apart) so I’d consider your spatial awareness/reasoning and your thought processes in terms of abstract/concrete.

[kenmaiii]

stop being jealous and bitter!

Now i know you cant outright just throw away your jealousy in the art community. You see a really cool popular artist or just someone with absolutely amzing art and you think “wow holy shit their art is so good i wish that was me and that i could do that....” I understand that spite can be a good thing sometimes; it can be what motivates you to improve and do well, especially if the artist is well... not the best person in terms of personality. Great, that’s even more motivation to do well right!? 

But when does all the comparing go too far?

----------------------------------------long post incoming------------------------------------------

Now i’ve had people very close to me do this. I’ve been told that im ‘popular’ which im honestly not seriously. They could probably be reading this right now, but this has been bothering me for awhile so i must get this out there. Let’s step into a certain mindset for a moment:-

You hate your artwork. You hate your current skills. Sure there are artists you like. But then there are ‘THOSE’ ones. You have very specific artists you follow just because theyre so good and popular they make you feel bitter and you still check up on them regularly to fuel that bitterness. You know good and well that they make you bitter and angry and peeved but you just keep going back.

Step back for a moment and think.... why on earth am i fucking doing this???? Comparing and feeling bitter about another persons skill or popularity and letting yourself stay sad and bitter isn’t good for ANYTHING, art aside. It’s good to want to feel validated at the work you spent time on but it WILL get tiring if you keep complaining that ‘your art is bad’, ‘your art isnt good’, ‘its shit’ or ‘garbage’. Your brain is just internalizing that and hindering your work and future improvement. It’s most importantly WASTING YOUR own time, YOU the creator. And not to sound snobby here, i really truly dont intend for that, but some of you know good and well that you keep belitting you work because you only just want people to compliment your art when youre only doing the bare minimum to improve! I can only tell you as a friend or an on-looker that i love your art so many times (as much i really do love it and hope for your improvement) if you continuously decide to still turn around and say you hate your work and tell me im wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why reach for compliments then! Why continuously turn them down?

And i’m not saying you cant ever not like your art (cause it happens) or decline a compliment, but to do it every single time....it leaves a bad image for your work. You either start to believe it, or the person complimenting you will get put off from your negativity!  

It makes people feel bad, especially if theyre also artist AND also your friends. You can’t keep saying you prefer their work and still put down your own. It makes your artist friend uncomfortable. They might not know how to respond when you keep doing it. And im sure they wouldnt want you to keep making yourself feel bad. Personally, i wish all my art friends success and improvement, and i want them to love and feel proud of their work more than the times they hate it. We really need to uplift each other as artists.

Thanks.

What you think and say is what you become and if youre always negative and comparing youre gonna tear down both the person you admire and yourself. Ie, if youre constantly thinking ‘ill never be as good as this person’,’no ones ever gonna like my work’, ‘i cant color as well as they do’ or saying that your work is only ever garbage... newsflash asshole! your mind absorbs that negativity and makes you believe it! u fool!!!!! Because brains are stupid and can be your worst enemy at times! 

Sometimes you just need to stOP looking at certain peoples work completely if it gets you that bitter or angry or sad. Unfollow them! Block them! Delete their name from your search history if you have to! Stop hurting yourself and forget about them, it’s like trying to think about an ex thats moved on. Pointless.

Negative emotions such as sadness and anger are our brains direct ways at trying to reach out to ourselves.

You: seeing cool art Your mind: remembering you dont have some of those skills or popularity + comparing = sadness/ anger/ bitterness at not being able to be at that lvl withtin the same timeframe or less

Your brain is trying to tell you to fix this! But you know you might not have the tools to gain that much popularity or become so good at anatomy, coloring , compositions or backgrounds overnight, so the only solution for your brain is to self-sabotage.

It’s just the same as suddenly feeling sad for no reason. It’s your mind trying to work out a problem you never resolved. Maybe your friends haven’t replied in awhile and you feel ignored. Or you subconsciously remembered a bad experience without really realizing. You’ll get sad. Your mind is is saying ‘Hey asshole im sad. I know it might be out of your control but I’ll stay sad about this one thing until you resolve it somehow. ’ (whether it be blindly distracting yourself on purpose or fully wallowing in the feelings)

So we realized youre feeling intensely about this persons work vs your own...then what exactly happened there? The answer is pretty simple. Some kind of information processing happened in your brain. The result of this processing made the your mind conclude that one of your existing problems (art in this case) can never be solved; whether conscious or unconscious, and this explains why your mood might change all of a sudden without any kind of warning signs (in relation to what you saw). 

Inspired VS Jealousy When youre inspired youre working against yourself in a GOOD way. You’re feeling motivated to make something great! Youre feeling motivated to make something better than the last piece!! And honestly thats wonderful!!!  That is a lot nicer than being in art-block, comparison negativity hell.

YOU are the only one responsible for where you are as an artist. That goes towards every artist of every skill level! There’s always someone better than you and there’s always someone worse than you. People get better at art in different intervals depending on how much they take in or put into practicing. Some people just get some concepts and fundamentals a lot easier and quicker than others but that doesn’t mean they naturally had that ability from birth. They put in the work just as you should be doing instead of feeling so intensely negative! But when you’re jealous and negative all the time, that’s when it starts to go downhill. :/

Jealously is a very human emotion at its core. And im not saying its super easy to deal with and just suddenly get over, but there are things you can do to slowly help yourself do it at least a little less.

Here’s the best things you CAN do instead:- - Write down some of the things you find yourself feeling bitter over about, especially when you look at another artists work? Ask yourself why these specific things? If it’s something you yourself can work on in your own pieces then maybe uh do that?  - Find the time to practice your work. - Practice even more. - If it’s your style that you arent happy with think of the artstyles you like and set aside time to mimic the way that artist might draw something (hence adding that to YOUR style). Take a sketchbook page or two and just draw entirely in those styles. - Practice. I can’t stress this enough. I know artists say this a lot and it can kind of just be thrown around carelessly, but if you keep putting this off and saying you don’t want to practice or talking about how time is going by when you should be practicing things.... and STILL refuse to practice then???? I cant help you sorry. Time waits for no one, so sometimes you need to grab time by the horns and kick its ass for awhile. Put in that effort! - Please use references. Even better if you use it nearly EVERYTIME you draw something, especially yknow...if its a pose, body part or background that you know you have no idea how to properly express! Find a stock image or a variety of websites to use! Save poses that you like from online magazines, other artists and photographs you see anywhere online. I like to look at online magazines from other countries or photographers, and there are tons of places like pinterest or instagram and whatnot. - Stop comparing and being bitter. Ii cant say this enough it gets me so ticked off, but my stubborn taurus self refuses to fully go off until it all piles up and this post is the result lol. If you know you can’t let go hating on a certain artist (for no good reason) then dont hate-follow them! Don’t check up on their work constantly! Don’t even talk about them!!!!!!! Try to get them out of your head for goodness sakes. Majority of the time they dont even know who YOU are so why are you worried about what they’re up to. - STOP SHITTING ON YOUR OWN WORK. - STOP IT RIGHT NOW. - AS THE ARTIST SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO FORCE YOURSELF TO SAY ‘’hey, my work isn’t exactly where i want it to be at this point in time and it may never be but i can appreciate that i’ve gotten better at a lot of things and im better than where i was a few years/ a year/ a month ago/ even weeks ago.” - ”I’m proud of this piece and can’t wait to get even better.” - Art is a struggle that takes time, effort and a lot of work. There’s always going to be someone better than you and there’s always going to be someone worse than you. You can only strive to get to the level that would make you happiest, otherwise you will get irritated with it and feel absolutely miserable about everything you produce. - PUT IN THE WORK TO GET YOUR ART OUT THERE. Social media has been both a curse and a blessing to artists all around. It’s made it easier for us to share our work around and opened paths for making money online and at home and connecting with other artists, but competition grows everyday as more people post their work in the same market. (ie another reason why it can be hard to get your commissions out there) Also as artists we want that dopamine rush you get from people liking your stuff, i get that its gucci. -But if you aren’t tagging your works well, posting somewhat consistently, not really bothering to talk to people in certain art communities (even people in your fandom because hey potential friends and even partners on future projects), not adding your works to groups (a big problem i see with people on places like deviantart mostly), joining and sharing them in art group chats/aminos/discords, joining events to get yourself out there (such as zines/big bangs/gift exchanges etc), giving tips and advice or even little helpful tutorials to people then how do you expect to be noticed? How.  If youre not doing at least TWO of these things then hoW can you complain about not getting attention. :(

 Of course you dont have to do ALL of this. Im just saying ...if you arent out there advertising how will more people know about you? This leads to you thinking no one likes your art (skill level excluded because even my cringiest old art would have a few comments or encouragements to see my future improvement, and i still want to hide when people like/comment/reblog said old art to this very day). 

I understand mainly OC artists feel this way that no ones gonna like their characters, or it just doesnt get reblogged enough in general but thats understandable too. No one is ‘selling out’ if they only do fanart. No one is ‘snobby or scared to get themselves out there’ if theyre really enthusiastic about their stories and worlds. Otherwise we wouldnt have fandoms int he first place, theyre all someones work. And hell, good for you if you draw both. It really is just a matter of how you put yourself out there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’ll take some time but there IS always someone out there that likes your stuff. And sometimes you just have to be content with making work for yourself, work that makes you happy. The online art world is tough especially when youre small but once you fall into the depths of bitterness its hard to rewire your mind...

This is how yall should be looking at your/others work majority of the time: You: seeing cool art  Your mind: omg thats beautiful! i wish i could draw and paint like that. i should practice more , try out some poses and anatomy or implement what they do into my work. i wanna make a cool ass piece like this too i feel so pumped to draw and work!! 

And that’s that! Do yourself a favor and be happier you bastards! Its tiring being negative and sad all the time and i want tf out of it. Its so very tiring and annoying to be sad and bitter as shit!!!!! My goD

I can’t really think of anything else to add to this and the text may appear angry sometimes as i was very heated when i wrote this but tried to tone it down a lot hfkds. Im not some ‘art guru goddess with supreme skill uwuw’ but advice is advice! It’s always up to the person listening to take it or not.

I’m gonna end this with one of my favorite art quotes of all time from t h e Arin Hanson himself. Because it really is true. 

Get yourself out there, practice towards a level that makes you content and try to have more fun with loving your work.

It’s taken me a long while to post this, as i’ve been feeling this way for...at least a couple months??? but i finally put it all out there i just needed to do this lol.  Sorry if i mightve repeated info sometimes here and there?

This post is just as much of a call out to my own actions but more so @ those of you that specifically do this! 

[lightcomingthroughthedarkness]

I just cannot believe Echo is the character they chose to make Bellamy forget all about Clarke. That is the piece that burns me, this person is who yall are ignoring Clarke for to rally around and save. I get the six years but this is just a writers decision I did not like, having Echo get all that time with them and be bonded to her. It just bothers me, and I dont know that any amt of bellarke will help me lol

Alright, look. I am going to say this as a person who feels deeply hurt by canon B/E and as a person who does not like E. If I’m going to be of any help to you, I need to just write it out.

No matter what you and I feel, no matter how much it hurts us, no matter how much we wish it wasn’t so, B/E are canon and real and E exists in this story. We can close our eyes when they share scenes. We can dislike all their scenes. We can be as salty as we want. I do all of the above and I will continue to do so because it’s how I deal with it all to get through it. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, it does not change canon. Spacekru does have a bond with E. She gets their support and love because she has a bond with them. Does it suck that we have not seen that development? YES. Is it frustrating to see our favorite characters extend love and support to a character we do not like? YES. But Spacekru caring about E is not strange. They spent all that time with her so FOR THE CHARACTERS it’s completely within reason to care about E. Even if you and I don’t. Just like it would have been if Clarke had made it with them too. Do I roll my eyes at their scenes? YES. But it’s still very much canon. I don’t like it. But I know it’s canon.

At the moment, I resent Spacekru HARD for not making an ACTIVE effort to include Clarke while I simultaneously KNOW that this WILL change. I literally can’t even look at them right now. I’m expressing my feelings regarding the CURRENT storyline because right now, Clarke being exluded hurts like a motherfucker. I have cried because it hurts so much. But I don’t feel this way because I’m angry that Spacekru cares about E. I just want them to care about Clarke TOO. LOGICALLY I know that they are setting up the story but it doesn’t matter to my heart right now. It all still hurts the same.

I may side-eye Spacekru right now (those heathens but I still love them) but I also know that Spacekru have spent 6 years living without Clarke, as a close knit family. They don’t seem to realize that the way they work together, as they have learned to do for 6 years, can come across as closed off. But they are working together to help a friend they care about. But notice, BELLAMY is calling the shots. He is the one trying to keep things together while everything around him is falling apart. Bellamy’s priority is Spacekru and he has a very pressing matter at hand. A member of Spacekru is at risk of being cast out or killed. A member who he happens to be in love with. Bellamy is also DESPERATELY trying to reach Octavia, to INCLUDE her into his evergrowing family because she is his family and he loves her. But she keeps fighting him! And he still tries to fit his old world with his new world. Bellamy loves ALL OF THEM. From Octavia, to Spacekru to Clarke. He just wants them all close and together but he will not cast ANY OF THEM out. Bellamy is also so oblivious to the fact that Clarke has changed too and he cannot just expect her to be with him without even talking to her or including her in decision making meetings. Yes, I’m frustrated with Spacekru but there is not a single bone in my body that believes that Bellamy or anyone from Spacekru have any malicious intention to mistreat Clarke.. BUT 6 YEARS DON’T CARE so now we have to deal with this angst (stupid ass time jump, I hate you). And we know that Bellamy will move heaven and earth when he finds out Clarke feels left out, to show her and prove to her that SHE IS important to him. If none of this has happened when we get to the finale then I will start a war.. until then, I don’t question this.

So it is not out of character for Bellamy and by extension, Spacekru, to look out for E, like they’ve always looked out for their own ever since Jaha and Co dropped 101 counting Bellamy delinquents on earth. Whether we like it or not. I am hurt and angry that Bellamy’s attention is not on Clarke (as well). That is my Bellarke heart. I know Bellamy Blake loves Clarke Griffin with every fiber of his being. I know that Bellamy is trying his best. I know Spacekru cares about Clarke, they have to, they’ve mythologized her for 6 years. But my emotional reaction to what I’m seeing on screen RIGHT NOW, STILL HURTS ALL THE SAME even if I can still see the logic behind canon. Does it bother me that E and Monty got a hug but we got no Marper/Clarke reunion? MY HEART IS BLEEDING, YES. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t think E and Monty should have had their moment. Granted, I don’t much care about E so I’m not bothered by what content she gets. I just wish I got my reunion too! (Yes, I’m a child and I want my toy too!)

If we can find a way to let our two sides co-exist; our emotional reactions to canon as the story progresses, our Bellarke hearts breaking and our logical and intelligent understanding of what is on screen then maybe we can all realize that there can be more than one truth to all of this. We can (reluctantly) accept canon while still owning our positive or negative emotional reactions to things happening on screen. These truths can co-exist.

Now I’m going to continue on my unapologetic path of expressing ALL my feelings which does not mean that I’m being a “dumb blarke” who needs canon explained to her. I do not, thank you very much.

[gulabiprincess]

How can I overcome the guilt of being a bad communicator when im angry? I’ve been told I come off passive aggressive. im just in my head a lot and thinking of a respectful way to react. Other people view it as childish for not communicating my feelings instantly. Its hard for me to know what im feeling and why and i just feel like thats for me to figure out BEFORE I bring an issue to someone. For context i met this guy and I feel like we both moved too fast out of lust. He was going through alot (idk why i always attract ppl at this stage in their life) He lost a family member, and just got out of a relationship. He said the relationship was dead long before it was over but he was still working through things within himself because of it. He said he still felt emotionally available, but i’m realizing now when he still had a lot to work on he was removing the romance aspect of that.. which i didnt understand at the time and asked twice because I felt confused. So I let him know I dont want anything casual/FWB, and he said he didnt either. We’d hang out and he’d be like “we’re on a date” and it felt manipulative once I really started to think about it. Why use that language if we arent actually building on something? After we were intimate with eachother he said “i wouldnt fall in love with me right now. I just dont have the capacity to receive/give love romantically how i normally would” i didnt say anything then because he was being honest and vulnerable but it hurt. I felt manipulated. Probably manipulated myself into thinking something good could come from this. I dont have many experiences with good/honest men. Even though that is the bare minimum.. I wanted to hold on because i felt like i deserved to be loved, but also recognized he cant.. and i just feel like he had just as much responsibility to leave me alone knowing that. I’m also holding myself accountable because so did I. I left something at his house and went to go get it. I was so passive aggressive, told him nothing was wrong, tried to walk away from him after getting my stuff. I thought it would be best to just ghost him. I already caught feelings and it’d hurt too much if he chose to gaslight me to my face. I didnt want to break down in front of him. He called me once i got to my car and cursed at me.. i was so triggered i brought everything i was feeling to his attention in an accusatory way and i feel so much guilt because i feel like maybe if i wasnt so emotional about the situation he would’ve heard me out. I just felt like he could’ve been more sensitive and understanding to how i reacted especially because I previously explained i’ve been through emotionally/sexual abuse. He called me selfish, told me we’re done and its all my fault, and didn’t even acknowledge my explanation for reacting that way. I apologized a few days later once I cooled off but he ignored it, told me if i had more grace he’d have more empathy..and blocked me. Then he went on twitter ranting about “weird women” and it hurt. He knew i would see it. I dont think i’d ever rekindle anything with him. Im not sure if i dodged a bullet or let my anxiety get the best of me. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt for how it ended even though i tried to rectify things, and I think we both could’ve handled eachother better or maybe i am selfish..? Regardless how can I move on from the guilt of how it ended and him in general? Should I block him back?

Omfg I am sooooo sorry I didn’t even realize this was my inbox. Idk how long ago u sent me this I didn’t get a notification or anything smh stupid site

But anyways…

First of all thank you for sharing and venting to me. It’s always better to get things off your chest one way or another so I commend you for that

Next I wanna say all your feelings are perfectly valid and you have no reason to feel guilt whatsoever. We all have our ways of expressing negative emotions and it was completely wrong for that guy to gaslight you like that. He lied to you about being emotionally available bc based on what u said it seems clear he was nowhere close to ready to get back in the relationship department. He played you hun. And you don’t deserve to be lied to and guilt tripped like that

It was wrong of him to curse at you and block you. Also posting about it on Twitter??? That’s so immature and disrespectful to you. I honestly think u dodged a bullet there and deserve sm better! So sorry u had to go through all that bs. I hope a much better person comes along for u in due time. Til then take care, safeguard ur feelings, and focus on yourself. Don’t pay any mind to trashy men like that. They’re not worth the time or energy. I’m always here for u if u need to vent again. Keep me updated on how ur feeling ❤️

[baeyungmin]

 Just a little angry at this stupid essay. Read more if you want to get to know me better. to those who read it, you might be included!

I am writing this dumb fucking essay for the last time. 

Can’t write a thesis for the life of me because I qualify everything.

Writing about my mother’s personal diaspora. 

I’m unable to separate my own seemingly awful childhood from her’s and how her inability affected my view of the world.

Which isn’t right of me, should really be owning up my own shortcomings, even though I truly believe in part those bad parts of her won’t become dislodged without proper communication.

Becoming particularly agitated.

Today in class, there was a talk of integrity.

To most, it was an understandable exercise of knowing oneself. 

Witnesses some friends voicing their opinions.

One optimistic and open to people’s mistakes, almost enabling the wrongdoings of people who clearly have a choice and make them. Her dogma was threatened to the point where she had to speak out against negative propoganda. She is hopeful.

Another who was very aware of this machination, informed her that her bent was quite agreeably misguided considering it deflects accountability but worded to avoid further mishap. He said she can be hopeful and still responsible.

A response to that was a very familiar pessimistic view that aligned with mine of self-loathing and loathing of others, understandably responding to the sterile direction. Which I completely understand, but is still quite sad. Overall nihilistic that makes complete sense to me, but more often when I am feeling low. “ I hate everyone because they don’t hate themselves as much as they should. They should hate themselves so that this won’t be a problem.”

honestly, all three are fine. these are all OK opinions. 

Recently got in a fight, realized some things are best not voiced.

I can’t help but feel the antithesis; I feel particularly strong when I don’t feel understood. 

If I am upset, I should probably express it.

I should probably express it in a healthy way. With direction, intent to express, and with an end in mind. I probaly shouldn’t just withold despite the easyness of it all. 

My own perception of my mother’s own blind optimism is muddling all my current approaches. Having a difficult time just writing this dumb fucking essay.

All of this is fine, it really is. But thinking about it, i think I have to admit, my vision towards women is skewed. Of course there is wisdom that I struggle to learn from them, but I’m finding it difficult to know whether it’s a better direction I’m moving. 

My own mother is passive with her aggression, and not at all understanding of the other. Only in terms of emotion. “i have no idea what you are mad about, but I can see you are visibly upset, and that is upsetting to me, and i dont want you to be upset, so let’s forget about it and be happy. o don’t try and ask me to try to understand you, I can’t handle this negative energy, and i won’t make an effort to be able to echo what you are expressing. Let’s just be OK.”

this to me is the most frustrating thing. I would like “you are upset. that’s OK. be upset. What is upsetting you? Let me check with you that I know what you are saying. OK, did I reiterate it right? OK well, rn I can only do this and this, and maybe try to make u laugh, but u can still be upset. Hope u feel better, I’m here 4 u.” Probably diffuse me, and later I’ll be fine at least knowing she didnt try to quash bad vibes.

and she will never know. And that’s fine, it’s history. But I can’t help but feel me needing to dumb myself down to grow. It’s repeating and I don’t want to quash the way I used to, and I don’t know if it’s going to help me grow. 

I really think I feel so fucking dumb when someone else refuses to make sense. SO all I can do is state it like a passive fuck because right now, the essay is reigniting old frustrations and memories of passivity never addressed.

sorry I am stooping low here because i can’t withold atm. Will probably apologize for my weakness later. Will probably stay quiet and stoic and just take it up the ass later.

I want to hope we can all work it out in the future. I want to put in the effort, but I do not want to simply quash my frustrations because of another’s idiocy.

[mysticdragon3md3]

reactions to Demon Slayer KNY ep3-6

9:28 PM 8/24/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep3

I have this terrible habit of avoiding good anime, even if I've seen enough clips or episodes to know I enjoy it.  Or maybe because of that.  I'm always so afraid of how terrible I'll feel, when watching the anime makes me so distracted, that my entire day is unproductive.  Adn then there's the emotional investment in great characters and archetypes I know I'll love.  That's just too much emotional exhaustion when I'm already dealing with anxiety/depression almost daily.  It's why I pretty much abandoned all other genres besides iyashikei and slice of life, for the past 2 decades.  

I used to LOOOOOOOOOVE the "demon slayer" subgenre.  Devil Hunter Yohko, Phantom Quest Corp, Devil May Cry, Claymore, Bleach, etc.  I loved martial arts anime too.  Even before I got into online artist communities/spaces, and heard their encouragement philosophies about improving skill and focusing on one's own progression vs comparison to other, etc., I had heard it all already from martial arts anime.  And I really needed it.  I needed the Fighting Spirit themes of teh "demon slayer" genre too.  Back when i was forced into costantly, daily socializing, my anxiety/depression was under so much more pressure.  I needed to emmerse myself into those "Fighting Spirit" and "martial arts anime" mentalities to survive.  And I'll admit it was addictive.  So addictive, that I subconsciously distained my older brother's lamentations about being too tired for all that spiritual Fighting anymore.  But now I'm also tired.  I'm glad I can understand him now and no longer feel negatively towards someone I care about.  But man, I'm just so tired of all this spiritual Fighting required to live.  I'm tired of this "being alive" thing, that I'm just not cut-out for.  Maybe these days, watching the "demon slayer" and "martial arts anime" genres, just make me tired.  I don't have the energy for those Fights anymore, even vicariously.  

9:36 PM 8/24/2020 Even right now, I'm getting too distracted.  I have to stop watching.  ;___;   8:28/23:40

. . .

4:39 AM 8/27/2020 Going to continue Kimetsu no Yaiba ep3.  

I'll say it again.  I'm too suspicious now, when soem Shonen protagonist advocates "bearing things in silence".  Maybe I used to buy into that, that now it's just toxic masculinity to me.  I used to be AAAAAALLLLLLLLLL about bearing everything in silence and being all "manly" about it.  If it wasn't for the fact that I'm female-presenting, then the people around me, my family, probably wouldn't have constantly chided me to express my feelings more.  Meanwhile, my linebacker brothers was avidly collecting romance genre manga, proudly loved cute things, and saying "fuck you" to anyone who would make fun of him for what he liked.  So compared to my repression, who was the Stronger "man"?  There I was, constantly afraid---afraid of showing my feelings, of anyone seeing me cry, of complaining when I was in physical pain, of "causing trouble" by asking for any help, of even telling my orthodontist that the new mouthpiece was jamming into the roof of my mouth everyday until there was a wire-shaped indentation---I was constantly afraid of sharing my feelings, or even letting anyoen know I liked romance, cute things, and anything emotionally vulnerable.  I, with all my repression, was the one constantly afraid and thus Weak.  My brother, was the Stronger man for not caring about that "manly" image.  Meanwhile, I was sooooooo obsessed with attainting that "manly" image.  It was a really stupid Weakness.  So please excuse me, but nowadays I'm suspicious of "masculine" stories/protagonists who advocate for emotional repression.  

5:13 AM 8/27/2020 Well, Crunchyroll crashed again.  Should I go for a 3rd try at finishing ep3?  Naw, it's too distracting.  But I guess I'm still eating breakfast...I could watch some more.  

Well, at least this guy recognizes that Tanjiro is worrying about him.  Though, he was likely sarcastic.  ~.~;  As always, Compassion (and recognizing it as the greatest Strength) is my favorite story theme.  

 More of this "being a real man talk" is kind of grating on me for some reason.  I wonder if I stopped watching as much Shonen anime as I used to, because I've out-grown those "be a real man" themes.  I thought I was just leaning more towards the iyashikei genre this decade, because of my depression and anxiety.  But maybe I've also recognized all the mental health  experts saying that emotional repression is bad.  But I still admire many traits that media says is "a real man".  I wish I could regain some of the Strength I had back when I was trying so hard to be "manly"...Without the probably-bipolar suicidal depression every couple weeks, of course.  Though, if I was suicidal, back when I was spiritally Fighting all the time, while I was ALL-IN on being "manly", it's probaby a sign that that way of life wasn't exactly great either.  Time for a new one.  Maybe I have moved on from loving the Shonen genre.  ...Still love Claymore though.  And the "battle anime" subgenre.  More of that please.

5:34 AM 8/27/2020 Well, I finally finished ep3, after all this time.  

I really wonder why I don't like Demon Slayer more.  I should be EAGER to binge this series, have already finished it, and preordered the Nendoroids by now.  But I'm just not that compelled.  WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????????????????????  I really don't understand it.  The protagonist is th earnest Compassionate type that I love.  The art style and animation is beautiful.  The story is the "demon hunter" and "battle anime" genres that I love.  Why aren't I compelled to follow these characters more?  What more do I need?  

5:54 AM 8/27/2020 Well, I'm watching this series becasue some part of me still recognizes that I still love/need that Fighting Spirit of the Shonen genre.  I may not want to return to that toxic masculine mindset that used to exaserbate my deprssion.  But I don't want to watch ONLY iyashikei for the rest of my life.  I may have outgrown binging nothing but Shonen anime, but the new path I need now should be a combination of the Shonen I use to watch and the iyashikei I watch now.  That's why I'm still trying to watch more Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba.  

. . .

5:40 PM 9/17/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep4

6:09 PM 9/17/2020 Well, that was good.  REally felt something doing the battles.  Which is exceptional because I was depressed most of yesterday and started this ep so apathetic.  Being apathetic to stakes has been so common with me lately, that I've given up and just watched series with little to no stakes.  Depression will do that.  And anyway, that conflict-free iyashikei genre was soothing for my depression.  But I knew I really needed to watch a Shonen series that could really touch me, get me motivated again.  And KNY wasn't really compelling me to watch successive series.  But after this episode's fight, I see what everyone had been glowing praise about for this series' sakuga fight scenes.  

Anyway, I really liked how Tanjiro didn't run away from the big demon and instead prioritized saving that other examee.  I also liked that he got angry for the dead student, still showing compassion for them, even though they were already dead.  

Tanjiro's sense of smell and seeing the opening threads, and especially when he sensed the demon's arms coming to attack him from underground, really reminded me of Claymore.  lol -----------------------------------------

. . .

6:14 PM 9/17/2020 ep5

I guess that big demon who got trapped by Urokodaki isn't dead yet if he's getting this flashback.  

Aw, Tanjiro is showing compassion even to this demon.  ;u;  You know just the themes I like, KNY!  ;u;!!!  ...Wait.  Am I gonna regret not buying all thos KNY Nendoroids?!  ;O;!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Noooooooooooooooo!

His sense of smell is really becoming like an empathic power!  

Is their rank getting engravee on their swords?  Does that mean each time they change rank, their swords get re-engraved?  Maybe rank changes don't happen often.  

So are those girls just dolls?

I can't believe we're this far into the series of watching Tanjiro's sense of smell do amazing things, and he still doesn't know how to choose ore.  It would be cool if it didn't matter which they chose, because the swordsman would give the sword teh appropriate power.  

"Even my uniform is heavy".  I know that feel.  Then again, maybe it's one of those weighted clothes, like DBZ?  lol  

FAmily hugs.  I guess Tanjiro and Nezuko are Urokodaki's kids now.  

"Morphed Demon".  That's the phrase.  

Recovering by sleeping vs eating humans?  Like I always said in college, when you can't eat, sleep; when you can't sleep, eat.  

"Child of Brightness".  

So are they saying the swords can kill demons because they absorb sunlight as ore?  

Yeah, that's about right for 37.  lol  

I just realized I haven't watched a demon hunting series since Claymore.  It's so weird to see a slayer get orders, without all the indifference to the villagers.  lol  

. . .

5:30 PM 9/19/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep6

Riiiiight...Black blade demon slayers dont' get far?  No one knows much about them?  We've consumed enough stories to know the characters with "unknown factors" are the ones with infinite potential to evolve and grow enormous power.  

Nezuko is super cute, but it's so strange that she used to be a fully functioning person, and now she acts like a childish puppy.  It's really tough to be a feminist but also love ingenues and cute regressive characters.  x_x;

"Abducted"?  Aren't they totally dead?  If this story is setting up that the girls were kidnapped...What are the demons doing with them?

An uneven scent?  Isn't that normal for intermittent killings happening over several days' time?

Like I've said, it's been a while since I've gotten into a demon hunting series, and the last one I was into was Claymore.  But is this another series where they'll set up a character that turns out to be a demon disguised as a human or maybe even doesn't realize they're a demon?    I hope Kazumi isn't a demon.  

Only one type---No, one individual demon. Kibutsuji Mujan?  Mibutsuji Muzan.  

Oh, the demon is actually talking to Tanjiro.  

Lose flavor?  See?  They're being eaten, not kidnapped.  Though, that Muzan guy is probably kidnapping people.  

Is that calmer of the demon trio played by NOBUTOSHI KANNA???????????????????????  *O*!!!!!!!!!  <3

The montage merging the thoughs of Kazumi with Tanjiro's was a nice technique to show Tanjiro's sympathy.  

Aw, man!  The overlap of Nezuko's nostalgic perspecitve onto kazumi and this new girl is really effective!  ;o;!!!  Don't make me cry, KNY!  

Aw, but it's not as effective to know she's protecting humans because Kurokodaki put a hypnosis suggestion on her!  It's more heartfelt to know that she herself chooses to hold people dear and protect humans so that they don't suffer the way her and her family did!  Then you'd know there's still something going on in her head, even though she's likely not going to speak for the rest of this series (until probably the end or a climax).  Is Nezuko just going to be this blank, 2D, vessel for fighting, while distracting us from another underdeveloped female character, by being such a cute mascot that even I've falling for it????  

[dragon-age-my-beloved]

Me: "What I do with my relationships is not a burden you need to bare. It is no ones but my own. Although I love that you care about me to do it without asking, I don't wish you to invest yourself in me in a way that hurts you.

I talk with others about my social problems because I need to reflect off others that I am responding appropriately, not for them to actually go out of their way to help me. I seek understanding and emotional guidance more than physical direction. More akin to "I understand that you are upset, I would be as well. You dont deserve that/you reacted inappropriately" rather than "get rid of him/ your better off not doing this/ if you want to be happy you need to do this" But no matter what if someone is to provide me with advice I dont just throw it out, I mull over it. But I mull over it until I am ready to act on it. I have been considering getting rid of Ryan for months. And I know it is the right thing to do. But the fact of the matter is I'm not ready yet and that's a decision I need to make, not someone else's. I work at a slower pace than others when it comes to understanding. I always have. My need to understand isnt an external one, its internal. I dont need to know where the other person is coming from in negative relationships. The things I need to understand are "Once I get rid of ryan how much do I want to avoid him? How would I even go about doing it? Around how long will it take for me to feel okay? Am I emotionally stable enough to go through with this action?" And honestly losing William then directly having to deal with ryan and now how much stress I am under currently, I know if I threw things away with him right now it could be alot worse than if I waited for when I was better.

I know you arent the type to let your emotions out unless you need to. On the other side I have also never been one to pry because I see it as disrespectful. I am very upfront and forward with my emotions because I have had too many friendships end because someone wouldnt communicate with me. So I compensated by drowing them in my own feelings hoping it would encourage them to open up as well. It doesn't always work but I have honestly had difficulty finding another way to do it when I can't understand social queues.

I dont look people in the eye unless I am completly at ease or I'm in a job interview. I didnt know Nick's eye color until 11th grade despite knowing him since kindergarten, and that's only because people were talking about it. My tone of voice comes out wrong almost all the time. And with that so do my words, though I have gotten better with those in the written form. I have been told numerous times that my tone of voice is disrespectful or makes me appear to others as angry. When in reality it usually starts to happen because I'm not paying EXTREME attention to it. If it helps, I have been told that my facial expressions tend to express what I'm really trying to convey. I'm obsessive, very prone to addiction. I am either rigid or I am tapping or doing some sort of thing to make noise. I dont relax fully around people, physically or mentally.

Not often will acknowledgment of my actions lead me to being upset. If you can be upfront and say "macy, the way you said that hurt my feelings" I will 100% add it to my list of things I shouldnt do. Because the only reason I have gotten this far in life is from people telling me. I don't catch on to things. I cant read a room very well. I can't do a lot of things involving interaction properly. I can tell you I am trying to get better at it, but it's one of those things that I need told to me because I HONESTLY cannot tell. Every social interaction I'm in is a guess unless I have been through the same exact conversation a million times.

I'm not saying this to try and guilt you or anything bad like that. I just came to the realization that I don't think I ever told you about it. This has been a serious work in progress my entire life and it's not just you who has had to deal with it. I'm 99.99% sure it's the actual the reason all of my friends from high school dont speak with me anymore.

It probably isnt anything that will help my case, but this is honestly the best I have ever been with communication. And that's probably partially why it is only coming up now. I used to be a lot worse. I make people upset and can't tell. I constantly am freaking out over people because I'm scared everytime I talk to someone I'm messing up. And when I become closer with someone I start to relax around them and it becomes an issue again.

You are under no obligation to have to adhere to these issues I have. But for a good friendship with me they do need to be taken into consideration. Because it's not something that will go away once I "find myself" or whatever. There is no medication that makes this better, there is no growing out of it, it is constant hard work for me every day to make sure I'm using the "right" words or whatever else is being taken into consideration at the time. If you think it would be easier for you, you can give me signs that you are retreating or something of the like if you are comfortable disclosing that to me. It wouldn't be just you, I want to work to have a better communication style with you.

I never want my friends to feel uncomfortable or upset because of something I've done or said. I care very deeply about people. More than I have ever shown any of you. And I know it's bad of me, but I am trying really really hard to get to the point where I can genuinely express it. It took me a year and a half of being at college to actually feel like the people around me were my actual friends. And only in the past year have I truly believed that they loved me back. I have been trying to express it more since then, but it's difficult.

To express my love I try to tell people. I take photos and videos of my friends because I want them to know I want to remember them. I try to match their emotions that they are telling me about so they wont be alone in them. When my friend Wanda told me she appreciated written word I wrote her a few letters. It took a few months but me and lydia struggled with it a lot. But we are now at a great place, when she is upset I give her space until she wants to talk and then I physically comfort her. She knows when I'm upset I hate being touched and I just want to run the course of my emotions to let myself fully feel it before I'm calm. This usually includes ranting, not speaking at all about it, or just crying a lot.

For us both to feel comfortable in a friendship together you need to communicate with me. No maybe, you NEED to. Otherwise your emotions will boil over and it will all feel over whelming and there will be nothing I can do about it. I would like to work on it with you. It took a little while but me and lydia worked through much much worse than this and now she is one of my closest friends.

You told me not long ago that I was one of your best friends, and I told you that you were one of mine. I honestly don't think a rough patch of communication during a pandemic is unheard of. But if you are willing to open yourself to me now with your honesty as you have, I hope you can continue doing so at more regular intervals. Possibly check once a week if there is something we have done that has bothered the other and we can address it in a stress free environment. If it is more regulated and expected I feel it might possibly limit the amount of stress you feel addressing it, and I can limit the amount of stress I put you under by springing my emotions constantly which I know can be overwhelming to others.

I know I am intense, it is the word I get most often attributed to me. But it's because I am a very focused person, just not always on the right thing. I get completely absorbed into people, into staring at a spot on the wall for 20 minutes, those stupid slot machines at my senior prom that made me realize I should never go to a casino, or most often just on what is happening inside my own head. It's never ill intended, it's just the way I have always been and how my mind works. I hope you can understand."

Me: I just really hope this isn't one of the last things I say to them. Probably one of my most disliked things is to bare my soul for nothing. Stuff like this is why I hardly ever fight for people. Because they are probably better off anyways. I hate... I hate that I am like this. I'm so exhausted, all the time. I just want it to stop.

[daeneryses]

this ispart 2 of my rant. there’s probably gonna be 3 parts

now

however

i don’t think it was the worst episode ever (not when The Last of the Starks and Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken are RIGHT THERE)

i feel incredibly conflicted because what these writers did with dany’s character was incredibly bad, there are a million takes on this site already that express the general consensus about d&d’s treatment of the most iconic character of television history better than I ever could, BUT, to ME, there were some incredible moments.

and by moments I mean Arya Stark. i dont think anyone actually reads these lmao but if u are, buckle up bc im abt to write a fucking essay

I think i’m in the minority here when I say that I always LOATHED the idea of arya killing cersei. that made me so angry last episode. It always seemed cheap, awful, corny (arya wearing jaime’s face was the WORST take for me), and any other negative adjectives u might come up with. And this season had actually treated arya decently, especially compared to other characters. and then she killed the NK and it changed nothing for her. she didnt seem phased, she didnt seem to be having a massive identity crisis, she was just calm cool n collected as she usually is. then she was being an antisocial hiding fucking somewhere shooting arrows and she called that celebrating??? girl.... for a season that was supposedly abt arya reconnecting with her humanity, that didn’t seem very human to me. then ms arya stark proceeded to be the biggest liar saying she didnt need allies as if she wouldn’t have been torn apart by wights if it weren’t for beric (who died for her!!!!) and sandor. and the final straw, she clocked tf out of WF and said she didn’t plan to come bcak. like, okay miss “we are family”, “the lone wolf dies but the pack survives”. it was just A Mess.

and then this episode happened. and it gave me everything i had ever wanted. sandor telling her that revenge isnt a way to live, convincing her to choose life over death (im ngl i was straight up WEEPING). then ARYA HELPING THE COMMON FOLK, being the kind human being canonically is, rescuing people, being willing to take a little girl to safety even with all the madness around her, and, most important, being genuinely afraid. homegirl was terrified. Maisie was terrific this episode, t e r r i f i c. she has been so so so good all season, i will be surprised if she doesn’t get nominated for an emmy. but i digress. I actually liked seeing arya like that, my poor daughter couldn’t catch a break (im such a hypocrite bc i always complain abt plot armor and she definitely had it last episode, she was almost roasted like 3 times and then they would cut it just when it seemed a building had fallen into her, but i won’t complain abt hers bc god knows my daughter could not die from a falling brick to the head), and i think she looked even more distressed than in the BoW. i loved having her on the battle ground, bc we could experience the horror and the carnage that the smallfolk were experiencing from the eyes of a character that most people adore, and damn it was hard to watch. it really was horrifying, and violent, and, well, it wasnt a battle lmao it was a straight up massacre.

and then, her final scene. see, when our favorite comedic duo were on their way to KL, my girl was super confident, all cocky, ms “i’m arya stark and im gonna kill the queen”, and well she just killed the NK so i guess she had a right to be that way! and then at the end is just the complete opposite, she was CRYING AND I WAS CRYING BECAUSE HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE MY GIRL SHED SOME TEARS AND ALLOWED HERSELF TO JUST BE A FUCKING NORMAL HUMAN BEING. god it was cathartic to me. and then she left on a white horse and all that sequence was so so so beautiful and emotional and it spoke VOLUMES to me. so, @people who are angry bc she didn’t kill cersei, what are u smoking? WHY would u want that for her? she is more than her fucking list, she’s much more than an assassin, and if there’s anything good that i take from this episode, is that they showed that to us, crystal clear. If her endgame is her leaving westeros single but she is happy and she has left vengeance and bloodshed behind, i wont complain. ofc i want her at winterfell or with gendry, but as long as she leaves her stupid list behind, she can go wherever she wants.

it was a very good chaper to her and makes me a little bit hopeful abt her endgame (not too much bc, u know, d&d), and I saw book!arya right there, and i’m sorry it was just glorious to me.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im in this like .. cycle i guess. 

i want to reach out for support because i feel a lack of support but to express a lack of support offends people around me (despite their lack of support) and i lose even the smallest amount of support i had 

i’m really sad lingering on feeling depressed. and im trying hard to reprogram my brain to see it as feeling depressed and not being depressed because its like acting out the emotion of depressed as your character and i just want to feel it because im not in a movie. 

i had an issue with my roommates dog while being in immense pain from a stupid cyst and literally no one would help. as i laid on the floor in pain i knew no one would actually help. it wasnt until 11pm that he returned a phone call i made at noon and when i said i was in pain he offered to bring me to his house and take me to the doctors tomorrow. 

but his whole attitude had changed like i was really burdening his life now and i guess he was calling to tell me he was leaving like the next day or somethng and now ive interrupted it. of course he didnt “say” this but it felt heavily implied and i never really felt comfortable being around him. he didnt want to show any affection and seemed to avoid it, slept through the day and had us go to bed at 10pm 

he had mentioned briefly that he would take me to the doctors again today but pack up and leave in the evening. this morning it was the same awkward uncomfortableness and he had like little desire to talk to me. i thought like if that was our last night and this is our last morning i guess it really says alot. like i guess if im ever severely injured he will begrudgingly help me in some way but he’ll have a really shit attitude about it and i can be nothing more than grateful i guess?

i told him i would take myself to the doctors. he said okay. i said i was leaving in 10 minutes and he said okay. i sat feeling really sick and i understand, a bit, that alot of this sickness comes from feeling really alone in other areas of my life. so theres like this giant hole and immediate panic when the person who was atleast occupyng space in the hole leaves. but if i had other people i wouldnt feel such panic - i’m thinkng like wow i’m fucked if i’m actually hurt. or if i get sick. like i cant expect any help from anyone even though they all receive some kind of help from other people. i cant even make a call to anyone and express anything at all without them having to go or do something else in their life that im not apart of. and its not just bad timing -  i could wait and wait and im just waiting for someone to make the time for me and i have to be grateful that anyone would set aside even one hour of their day for me and ive not been around other people who understand the complexities of this. like, of course im grateful. im extremely grateful. thats like all i think about for that hour that thank fucking god there was a single human being willing to give me this time so i could even help myself in some way. 

and its not like i dont give this. ive given soooooooooo much of this an got nothing in return. except that i have to feel super grateful for the hour i get in return for my huge investment into their lives. and its like at nooooo point can i ask my mom for 20$. i cant ask my dad what credit card i should get. or if this person is ripping me off. like i get that i can (an will) do all these things myself but i dont even get the priviledge of receiving valid learned advice from a trusted source - i get jack offs and reddit commenters explaining how a mortgage works. or how to buy a car. or the best tips on a driving test. and when im sad and lonely? i get to turn to strangers on the internet or i guess worse, this. even though its likely no one at all will read this. when im really sick? i make chicken soup for myself. i go to the store for myself. i maybe find a ride to the doctors and mabe get lucky the pharmacy is there too so i dont have to ride the bus.when i feel like everything is chaotic? i return to cats. 

but hey - i’m going to be a “stronger, smarter” person right? thats what it all boils down to. lacking soo much will somehow make me stronger and smarter than the next person who already has these things. doesnt that seem so dumb? to me, i just worked 10x as hard to get to the same place that someone else did with half the work. but im “stronger and smarter” for the effort. i think you’re wiser and more resilient. because you become wise through experience and knowledge of the experience - but you can still be dumb as hell. you arent stronger - you just learned to put up with more; that’s resilience. you couldn’t use resilience like you could use strength. it just means you didnt give up. 

and thats not a negative but when you place it in this light i think it conjures a different respect for the lack of priviledges that it takes to reach “wiser and more resilient’. 

right now im really.... alot of things. i feel sad and angry and frustrated and bitter and envious. im trying to respect other peoples journeys but its leaving me really fucking alone. i told him i was leaving and he said bye. that could very well be our last personal encounter and i guess i appreciate that i left it as is. instead of trying to shape it into something it wasnt going to be, i just accepted that this was the choice he was making. of course, its easier to leave when you disconnect from someone/the things around you. 

i personally feel that this is the end of the relationship and my expectation is that he’ll be gone in the next 24 hours. i think i would prefer to leave our last encounter as this. although he “asked” multiple times how i was feeling or why i didnt feel good - i knew that he wasnt even the person to be talking to about it. how could i explain any of this to him? he has really not understood it and its doubtful he ever will. i expect nothing from him now - maybe i did before. maybe i wanted to have something real with him, like how we pretended to have. and i guess he showed his ‘support’ but like - youre leaving anyways. what happens when youre gone? does it matter? 

i cant ask these questions because theyre already answered. nothing happens, life goes on. you got what you got for the time being, be grateful. 

its not just him i feel this way with - i actually feel this way with multiple people ive been around. i cant talk about these things beacause it implies they dont care. and they do care otherwise they wouldnt have given me a ride or a sandwhich or bus change or sat wth me for an hour or smoked me some weed. BUT NONE OF IT MATTERS TO My ACTUAL LIFE. when you give a homeless man a dollar, do you think you just changed his life? like you changed 5 minutes before he had to go ask for another dollar from someone else because not a single person wants to give him actual legitimate help. just smile and nod. 

ths morning his mother literally shut the garage door on me. i have no idea how she did not hear the door open or the garage door open standing 10 ft away but she literally shut the door and i sat in the dark. i said nothing because no one cares. 

and he bitchs and moans about all these things and its like hes just discovering no one cares  and his solution is to also stop caring for anyone but himself. and its like he doesnt even see this because hes ‘going to get better and help so many people’ but hes not. he literally is not. and its infruiating that he cant even signficiantly benefit one persons life and his solution to this is to stop any attempts and focus just on himself before i guess inviting the world in. 

am i not fucking worthy or deserving? i’m not some runaway kid. i’m not a fucking drug addict. i’m not a single mom. if not me, then who deserves to benefit? i guess everyone above. you know, i didnt add to everyone being fucking dead and deserted with severe trauma and ptsd and little coping skills by taking hard drugs and fucking strange men. i didnt have unsafe sex. but i guess i should have so i could have the attention that other people seem to get for these acts. i stayed “strong” and “smart” and i’m alone and struggling. i guess i deserve to be. 

when i say this its not like i want people to immediately become my family and do all this shit with me and include me an talk to me all waking moments. i want this person who has been in my life but has remained in a neutral position by their own decision to remain neutral as i express the lonliness that i feel being in this position instead of take it personal or trying to make me be optimistic about it. i am sitting with a person and still expressing this - optimism is not what i need. nor do i need to argue that this person hasnt fulfilled the needs i have when they consider themselves a ‘friend”. to be a friend now is to remain in the position youve already taken and allow me the space to now be myself - this sucks. its hard. when i speak, no one is really listening. when i need someone, i have to wait until “a good time” which could be days. and its not just one person. if this one person was doing this - fine. it’s sad but bareable. it’s so many encounters that i feel like im in highschool floating through the halls unnoticed. i have no significance or importance to anything. and its not like oh god i have to be loved and have attention but like theres litereally none. there is zero. nothing. 

thats when “anything” looks better than nothing and you get stuck in even shittier situations.