#i dont think he even lost over half his health

[pyrosomatic-metamorphosis]

im still thinking about the 4halo proposal oh my god they make me insane

the parallels to the date. the fucking PARALLELS. the bench. bad drinking limonade vs guzzling the wine pierre threw him. the way forever opened up to bad both times. the roses. the sham of an interrogation versus the sham of a proposal. forever fucking dying (or totem popping) at both events. bad skipped out on the date to playfully leave forever with the bill and forever fled the proposal to avoid payback after the bbh murder attempt. bad suspecting forever was working for the feds vs the feds destroying forever. they spoke to each other at the date they spoke at each other at the proposal and both events were so so tragic but one was tragic because it was so fucking funny and the other was tragic because it was so fucking horrifying and. just !!!!

and the fact that forever held his presidential ring to propose... it's all just a mockery of love

[the-s1lly-corner]

I'm wondering,, Could we get an x reader with kinger, caine and ragatha where the reader has been there a while, and a while ago lost someone they were close to (either friend or lover) when they abstracted. Reader has steadily opened up again but struggles to actually talk about their last partner

Kinger, caine, and ragatha w/ a grieving reader !

Bro the base of my thumb feels so stuff I hate it sm!!!!!

Written on mobile! Might draw after writing this since I left a half finished wip yesterday

CAINE:

I'm writing Caine's part last and. As much as I dont wanna say it, as much as i love caine, i do think he would compare himself to your past partner. Even easier since he was there when they were around and when they abstracted. He knows it's bad, he knows it's going to make you feel worse, he knows but hes just a jealous person, you know? Learning these new intimate feelings is hard and confusing

Comfort, I think he would shower you in affirmations and gifts. He doesnt quite yet possess the full emotional... bits... to talk things out with you without, you know, sounding like a computer

Tries to remain outwardly neutral and/or interestsd when you talk about your old partner, you know, for healing and closure and stuff, and he hates feeling these pangs of jealousy. That he wasnt your first.. but hes truly trying to shove that stuff down

KINGER:

He understands, he gets it. Hes still healing over queenie. I think, talking about both of your past partners together may help you heal. Reminisce and try to find peace, you know? Though given kingers deteriorated mental state, you guys may have to tread lightly. That said I think he would cling onto every word when you do open up and talk about your feelings

RAGATHA:

While kinger is the most understanding since hes been there, I think ragatha would be the sweetest, if that makes sense. You see while kinger has to also look out for his own mental health and with him healing as well, he tends to have to reel himself back every now and then to keep himself together. Ragatha on the other hand, doesnt need to do that.. and considering this is a world where someones mental state matters so so much, literally defining life and "death".. I cant blame kinger

Comfort wise, I think ragatha would let you talk for as long as you'd need. You can talk for days on end and she would let you. Loves hearing stories about your partner, is not a jealous person nor does she compare herself to someone who's gone

[laawlesss]

;; Close Quarters ..

— ;; minific tuesday monday !! a oneshot (almost) every monday, usually under 5k words.. (.. usually.. )

>> in which you get stuck in an elevator with a handsome stranger.

; words ? ; 3.2k.

; warnings ? ; none.

; genre ? ; fluff.

; request ? ; no.

; pairing ? ; roronoa zoro x reader.

; notes ; this is just a silly goofy funny fic pls dont take it seriously, its from a random prompt list and the folks in my server chose which one to do ! it gets kind of fast at the end but i think it works. reader is mentioned as ‘they’ once, but otherwise theres no pronouns used <3 crossposted on ao3 !! <3

    You scoffed, crossing your arms and refusing to look at the man across the small quarters of the elevator. “Unbelievable.” You set your bag on the floor and leaned against the wall, rubbing your temple with a hand as a headache began to set in. 

    “What? What’s your deal?” The man across from you spoke up, his voice low and raspy. You had told yourself that you found him fairly attractive, but after his actions, you had thrown any ideas of pursuing him out the window. 

    “What kind of dumbass punches an elevator button? I’m so going to be late for my meeting—” You opened an eye and peered at the man, venom in your tone. He was tall— taller than you, at least— and had a wicked scar running over his left eye. The man’s hair was an odd shade of green, cut fairly short in a way that suited him. He was well built and obviously took care of himself, his arms toned and tanned. Leaning against the thin bar railing of the elevator, he definitely looked tempting and he was your type, but your frustration outweighed your attraction. 

    “The doors weren’t closin’.” He shrugged, and you nearly lost it. He was so nonchalant about breaking the elevator and it was pissing you off. His deep black eye was focused onto his hand, where blood was pooling over his knuckles. 

    “How did you even manage to punch a hole in metal?” You sighed, feeling a little taken aback as drops of crimson fell to the elegantly tiled elevator floor. You had a meeting you couldn’t miss, and now you were stuck with an oddly inhumanly strong idiot. Letting a groan fill the air, you crouched down to rifle through your bag, finding a tiny ziploc bag of bandaids you kept in case of emergencies. Though you were definitely upset at him, you didn’t want to leave him bleeding all over the place. 

    He turned to you, tilting his head. “…It was pretty thin, it wouldn’t have been hard for anyone.” The green-haired man shrugged again, his eyes half-lidded. He was dressed in a simple black ensemble, and you couldn’t really pin down what department of the building he worked in. He wasn’t even wearing his name badge, which was a requirement in most departments. 

    “I’m pretty sure that was steel, regardless of how thin it was.” You stared at him in bewilderment before blinking the emotion away. You held out your hand to him, and deep confusion sparked in his eyes. 

    “What? Want a handshake or somethin’?” He gave you a deadpan look and held out his bloody hand, making you sneer. By now his hand was covered in smeared blood, and you shuddered.

    “..Yuck. No way. I took a basic health class a couple years ago, I can at least keep you from bleeding all over the place if we’re going to be stuck in here.” Swiping a couple of napkins from your bag, you waited for him to relax his hand. He gave you an odd look before muttering something under his breath and letting you have access to his hand. Taking care to not hit the open wounds on his knuckles from where he’d hit the steel, you wiped up as much blood as you could. 

    The man seemed to have a decent pain tolerance because he didn't even flinch when you’d wiped the blood from his open wounds. He winced slightly when you’d exhaled over the exposed area accidentally, but didn’t show any weakness other than that. Once enough of the crimson liquid was wiped away, you carefully placed the bandaids over his knuckles. 

    Satisfied with your work, you took a step back, glancing up at the man. You felt the hair at the back of your neck rise when you met his gaze, his one-eyed stare so intense that a wave of embarrassment flooded through you. He watched for another moment, before raising his hand to look at your handiwork. 

    “Hello Kitty?” He quirked a brow, then looked back at you with a minuscule smirk. It did look a bit silly, an intimidating man of his size with cutesy pink and white bandaids all over his hands. You stared at the cutesy figures of Hello Kitty and My Melody dancing across his knuckles. “…Cute.”

    You froze, a bit startled, before you crossed your arms over your chest and looked away. “You’re welcome. At least you aren’t bleeding all over the floor anymore.” You checked your watch and sighed, noting that you were late for your meeting. With a low exhale, you slid to the floor and sat down, leaning your back against the wall. You were upset at first, angry that you were missing such an important thing, but now you had resigned yourself to your fate stuck in an elevator with an odd stranger. 

    “You alright? Legs give out or somethin’?” You glanced up at the man, who had placed his hands into his pockets and was leaning casually against the elevator wall across from you. His gaze was sharp and though his scar was somewhat intimidating, the man seemed laid back and collected. 

    “No, my legs didn’t give out.” You rolled your eyes, leaning your head back against the wall. “I’m missing a really important meeting right now, and I’m not getting any signal to tell my boss why.” You frowned down at your phone, totally useless in your grasp. The signal was nonexistent, likely because of the layers of thick metal making up the elevator. 

    “Mm.” The man just hummed, turning his gaze to stare at the panel of buttons he’d mauled. 

    With a sigh, you let your eyes fall closed, your heart sinking in your chest. “This’ll probably be why I get fired. My boss really isn’t the most forgiving.” You had let go of all of your anger and figured you’d just look for a new job when you got out of your predicament. You’d been a few minutes late too many times, and you weren’t kidding when you said your boss was ruthless. 

    “Who’s your boss?” The man piped up, his tenor echoing off the close quarters. Somehow you felt comfortable enough with the stranger to complain about your boss. Rubbing a hand over your face, you drew your knees to your chest and stared off at nothing as you began to speak. 

    “Mr. Bartolomeo. Everyone calls him the cannibal, since he practically eats the new hires alive. He’s so strict about everything, and he won’t let go of ‘maintaining the perfect reputation of StrawHat Co.’. I’m literally just trying to get a paycheck, I don’t think me being a few minutes late because I’m so tired from overtime will ruin the image of a billion-dollar corporation.” You muttered, rubbing your temple. 

    The green-haired man let out a smooth chuckle, something that drew your gaze. His smirk had widened, and his eye sparkled. “He’s really harmless.” He shrugged, laughing to himself over something he knew. 

    “Maybe to you! You’re built like a freight train!” You scoffed, throwing your hands up as you flustered. “He’s like, two heads taller than I am, and his appearance doesn’t exactly scream sunshine and rainbows.” 

    The man threw his head back in a wild laugh, before glancing down at his arms. “A freight train, huh?” He snorted, lifting a brow in amusement and giving his arm a slight flex to make his muscles more prominent. You quickly turned your head away so that you wouldn’t be caught staring, but damn was that man built. It was making more sense to you now how he would be able to punch through steel. “That’s a new one.” 

    You took to fiddling with a hem in your pocket as you waited for someone to free the two of you, making idle chatter. You learned that the man was a part of the security sector of the company, though he wouldn’t tell you what his position was exactly. He’d caught the pen you’d thrown at him with a practiced ease that had you admiring his reflexes as well as his figure. He wasn’t much for continual conversation, and seemed to prefer listening to you rather than chattering off on his own, but for once you didn’t seem like you were talking too much. 

    “That’s what I said! He needs to loosen up.” You laughed, your discomfort around the stranger having disappeared. He had shifted to sit down across from you, and the two of you were playing catch with one of the papers you had prepared for your meeting that you had crumpled into a ball. No matter how high or how awkwardly you managed to throw the makeshift projectile, the green-haired man always caught it with ease, it didn’t even seem like it was difficult for him. 

    “Barto’s just kind of like that. Very… set in his ways.” He mused, his smirk returning and making your heart flutter. You had decidedly become glad that the elevator was broken, fate had decided that you deserved something nice for once, and that something nice just happened to be a very pretty man whose company you had begun to enjoy. 

    A comfortable silence fell over the elevator, the only sound was the noise of the crew outside, working hard to get the two of you out. Someone had very quickly discovered that the elevator wasn’t working, due to a frustrated shout from the man and a loud sigh from you. It had been about an hour since you two had gotten stuck, but you weren’t minding it. The only discomfort you felt was from the soft rumbling of your stomach, to which you dug through your bag searching for the small snack you had packed for yourself that morning. You felt a little embarrassed to eat in front of the man, but you were hungry, and who really cared anyways? You were going to get fired after this, and never see the handsome stranger again. 

    Pulling the small granola bar out and beginning to unwrap it, the man across from you smirked and spoke up. “Don’t suppose you have any sake hidden in there?” He was sitting with his knees drawn up, an arm rested on his knee while he leaned his face on his fist. 

    “Sorry, fresh out.” You laughed softly, breaking the snack bar in half. “You can have half of this though, if you want.” 

    He shrugged and held out his hand, accepting your offering and chewing on his portion of the granola bar. “This is the stupidest survivalist situation ever. You think they teach surviving being stuck in an elevator in boy scouts?” You hummed, finishing your piece and dusting off your hands. 

    “Probably not.” He mused, twirling the pen you’d thrown at him in his fingers. “I don’t think you’d survive very long if you didn’t have food and water. Half a granola bar won’t really get you very far.” You nodded.

    “This is true.” 

    ———

    After another hour and you semi-dozing off, the crew outside had managed to open the elevator doors from the floor below. The elevator car was stuck between two floors, and one of the people below called out that the two of you would have to open the hatch in the top of the ceiling and hop off the roof to the floor above. It was a complicated scheme, one you were having a hard time following through with. Your new acquaintance, however, had no problem shrugging his shoulders, before turning to you. 

    “I’ll give you a boost, and you can push the hatch.” You gave him a hesitant look, one that must have been too obvious, because he sighed and got into a crouch. Faster than you could blink, he shot upwards, palm facing the hatch and giving it such a hard shove that it swung halfway open before slamming back shut. “I can’t get it more than halfway. That’s where you come in. I can pick you up and you can push it open, deal?” 

    “Uhh… I’m not sure that’s workplace appropriate—“

    “Or I can toss you up there and hope you don’t get a concussion on your way out.” 

    “I’m sure I could totally lift the hatch no problem!” Your false cheer echoed around the elevator quarters, and you nervously stepped over to the man. He waited for you to secure your bag around yourself before he wrapped a tense arm around your waist and hefted you up easily. You sat on the man’s shoulders, definitely self-conscious, but he seemed entirely focused on the task at hand. 

    With you sitting on his shoulders, you easily reached the ceiling, though you struggled to open the heavy hatch above you. Even with both of your arms shoving at the panel and the man beneath you holding you steady, you were only able to push it open a few inches. “Holy shit, it’s heavy— how the fuck did you open it earlier?” You stared down at him, bewildered, as you shifted to shove the panel with your shoulder. 

    “I dunno. I just pushed it.” He shrugged, fighting off a twinge of annoyance that it was taking you so long. You muttered something under your breath about him being inhumanly strong, and after a few more tries, managed to get enough leverage on the panel that it swung open. The man sent you a confident grin, his dark eye sparkling with an emotion you couldn’t quite place. “There ya go.”

    You held onto the lip of the hatch and pulled yourself through, relying on your meager upper body strength. “Don’t look at my ass!” You shouted behind you as you pulled yourself up, hearing a short response from the man below, who was helping guide you up. 

    “I’m not lookin’ at your ass!” He scoffed, and you could see a faint blush on his cheeks when you glanced down. Settling yourself on the roof of the elevator, you gazed wide-eyed at all the intricacies of the interior, the side of things you never got to see. In the wall panel in front of you, the main doors had been wedged open by another crew of people, and they were waiting for you to step down onto the level’s floor. Looking back over your shoulder, you moved to give the green-haired man a hand, but in an instant he had stepped back, launched himself up, grabbed onto the edge of the hatch, and pulled himself up with an ease that had your head spinning. 

    “What even are you?” You snorted, watching as the man dusted himself off and slid through the opening in the outer doors, waiting for you to follow. You stared down at the floor, before cramming yourself through the opening, landing less than gracefully. Just when you thought you were going to end up kissing the tile beneath your feet, a familiar arm righted you. “…Thanks.”

    “Don’t mention it.” His damned smirk made him seem so attractive. You rubbed your temple while you adjusted your outfit, gathering yourself as best you could. The second you were out, the usual spiky green hair of your boss came into view, and he was absolutely fuming. 

    “There you are! Ya think ya can just get away with missin’ a whole meetin’?!” Bartolomeo was in your face in an instant, sweat beading along your brow. “That was your last chance, I won’t let ya ruin Mr. Luffy’s reputation! When ya get back to your desk, ya can pack ya things!!” You let out a weak sigh, finally confronted by the moment you were dreading. What would the CEO of a billion-dollar company care if one measly worker missed one meeting? Why were you getting fired over nothing? 

    “Barto, give em’ a break.” Your acquaintance spoke up in a gruff voice, and the second your boss turned and looked at him, his eyes went wide and he fell to his knees. 

    “Ohh, Mista Zoro!!!! Forgive me, I didn’t know I was in ya presence!!” Bartolomeo was bowing his head, and it looked like he was sobbing actual tears. You glanced from him to your acquaintance and back, confusion evident on your face. Zoro? As in, one of the founders of the company you worked at? You turned to him with wide eyes, realizing that you were stuck in an elevator for over two hours with your boss’s boss. 

    “You said you were from the security department..?” You tilted your head in confusion. 

    “Yeah, I run it.” His smirk widened, and you slapped a hand over your face. Just your luck, you had been extremely unprofessional with one of the people who could ruin your career with a snap of his fingers. You must have been holding your breath, your heart pounding out of control in your chest as you finally exhaled. Your thoughts were racing like crazy and you were only shocked out of them when a toned arm lay over your shoulders. “Oi, chill out.” You looked up to see Zoro, one hand casually in his pocket, the other laid over your shoulder. 

    “I’m so sorry Mista Zoro! I neva woulda said those things had I known you was here too!” Bartolomeo sobbed on the floor, crawling forward as he reached out to tug on the hem of Zoro’s pants. The man in question just sighed, before leading you away from Bartolomeo. “Y/N, I’m sorry! Ya can have ya job back and everything!” Your old boss pleaded, but something in you was against going back to your old job of being an errand intern for ungrateful coworkers. 

    “‘S alright, they won’t need it.” Confusion must have still been written all over your face, because Zoro simply grinned and continued to lead you off towards a large office. “A new position has just opened up.” He nodded, his three earrings glinting in the sunlight that streamed through the floor to ceiling glass windows that outlined the perimeter of the office building. 

    You couldn’t make heads or tails of what was going on, so you decided to just go along with it. Bartolomeo had decided to fire you, and now Zoro was rehiring you to some position in the security sector. You sighed, and ran a hand through your hair. “So… you’re hiring me in the security division? I don’t have experience with the security side of things.” You spoke up, and Zoro shrugged his shoulders. 

    “No big deal. Don’t need it if you’re gonna be my assistant.” You couldn’t be any more surprised, almost stepping back in your startle. Zoro adjusted, continuing his pace forward to his office, and you watched him walk off in your bewilderment. 

    In the span of two hours, you’d lost your job, gotten rehired, promoted, and were now apparently the personal assistant of one of the most powerful people in a billion dollar company. Something in you was hesitant to follow, but the majority of you was giddy with excitement. 

    “Yes sir!” You called, hurrying to catch up with him, and he just shot you his signature smirk from over his shoulder. 

    You had a feeling things were going to get more exciting around your workplace, even more exciting than being stuck in an elevator with a handsome stranger. 

[ghostofwriting]

love of my life by harry styles is also a song that i think rafe would put out on the album.

"i dont know you half as well as all my friends [...] maybe you dont know whats lost til you find it."

idk at this point every sad harry song makes me think of #them .

okay me. There are a lot of songs that make me think of them but none of them come close to Place In Me by Luke Hemmings which is why I chose it and keep mentioning it in the tweets.

I'm using this ask as a place to dissect it because my brain will not stop thinking about the correlation between the song and Rafe x reader. I didn't even base this fic off the song but it fits so perfectly so I HAVE to talk about it.

Hold on I never meant you any harm Got no legs to stand on I was just dancin' in the dark

"dancing in the dark" was his mindset during that whole era, he was on drugs, and his mental health wasn't doing well at all. It's not an excuse but he's finally coming to terms with how much he hurt her but he has nothing to stand on because he shouldn't have done what he did to her, there's no excuse. He's telling her in song to hold on, to listen to the lyrics for insight on how he feels because he doesn't know how to tell her any other way.

Now with my eyes wide open It's heaven in your arms, mm

He sees it now, now that he's in a better place mentally and he's clean, he can see the harm he has caused and what he has lost. "Heaven in your arms" obviously knowing that she helped him so much and he was so safe to fall apart with her, realizing his feelings go way deeper than he thought they did but being stuck. And of course 'heaven' to tie it back to 'angel.'

Hold on I never meant to start a war I was just dead wrong I know we've been in this before

Again, not excusing him but, he didn't know what he was doing when he said those things to her. He had his reasons, which I will expand on in the fic. He didn't mean to start this friction between them for all those years and make his friends choose sides. He realizes that he was wrong but again, he's stuck. She won't look at him how she used to.

Now with my eyes wide open I tore you right apart, mm

Speaks for itself, he tore her apart, he ruined her and he knows that now that there's clarity.

Call me in the morning, yeah I'm sorry that I let you down, I I'm so apathetic, it's pathetic But I need you now, now

This is him knowing that he's in the wrong for needing her because of how much he's harmed her. Y/n said that she couldn't believe that the person she had known since she was 10, the boy that he was at 13 would have done to her what he did to her. And he knows that. He knows what she thinks.

Sun's gone But you always liked this time of day No words left to play on How many chances does it take? Now with my eyes wide open I'm nothing but a fake

This verse explains how tied he is to her, how his identity is very much based on how she sees him and how he doesn't think too highly of his self-worth if she sees him as a bad guy. "No words left to play on" The fact that she doesn't give him the time of day, there is nothing that he can do to fix it with her.

Don't you move Can't we just stay? Can we start over? Don't fade away

'Cause you'll always have a place in me

You'll always have a place in me

I think the rest of this is pretty on the nose. That's why it fits so perfectly. He doesn't want her to leave, he wants a chance to start over with her but he's dumb and has no idea how to tell her that and is going about it all wrong. As well as the fact that y/n doesn't want anything to do with him. Had this been anyone else, she would have left their life and never looked back. He knows that and he also knows that she only tolerates him for the band. In a way, he's lucky because without the band he would have never seen her again. He's very limited in what he can do to get her attention and ask for another chance. He also just doesn't think he deserves one. Selfishly though, he wants her to stay with him forever, even if it's at arm's length. even if that means she never talks to him again. Because she will always have a place in him.

Anyway thank you for reading to the end of this if you did. I love this song, I love Luke, and I love how well this goes with Rafe's pov.

[mackjlee9]

Im off to bed right now, just set down and put on a video for background noises.

Brain suddenly decided it would be amazing to learn rigging art. Like nothing happened, literally hyperfixated on Elden Ring the whole day and while eating "We could learn to make Vtuber models" Like what, buddy we cant even draw. So yea now that is floating in my brain.

Also what i forgot to tell you, i dont know if you remenber but i said i wanted to give Ruze a chance as my background stream for learning and now i really enjoy his streams. His non stop babbling literally shuts down my own thoughts and i can concentrate better on stuff. So yea project "Giving Ruze a try" was really successful for learning.

Im at my parents over the weekend so you will also get some pet pics. Also thinking about spending most off march at my parents, so i can pay with my mental health for food instead of money, but im not sure yet. Anygays, kissing you. Night night Angel 💚💚

Extra: Handing some songs over, didnt do that in a while. One is german but it is so rent free in my head. Both kinda turn my brain off. 1. Motion Sickness - Vestron Vulture. 2. Sommer in Berlin - $ubria

Sleep well, darling, mwah~

Yep, I usually have this wondering thought in my brain of "making vtuber models" or "being a vtuber" which are both way too stressful but the ideas behind them are fun, in a way.

Yes!! He just goes on tangents after tangents so often that it's like music to my ears. While half of the time I get lost on what he's saying and my brain turns to mush, I've learned so many cool stuff from him and I just love the vibes he has 🥰 and we can't forget the gap moe, that dude is so insanely adorable while simultaneously a dork, love him~ (also have clipped both of his karaoke stream ehe)

Thank you for the cat pic, my eyes have been blessed and my soul has been cleansed from all the evil 😌

Hopefully staying at your parents' house would be a good time. Good night! Have sweet dreams 😚😚

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 11: SHITTY REASONS WHY

wc: 8000 and change i think

warnings: stalking, drug use, violence, mental health issues

prev chapter

***

"fucking 90% on your calc test, are you kidding me?" jongho said in impressed disbelief. he handed yasmine her test script with a smile, sitting next to her outside the botanical garden of the school.

yasmine covered her face as she felt it redden, her smile going embarrassedly broad. "when i asked you to get my script, i didnt mean look at it!" she whined.

"no, but its really good!" jongho insisted. "keep that up and these 4 years will go by so fast. you'll be out of the country before you know it."

yasmine stared at her test, smiling fondly. she was good at math and science and was really interested in anatomy. it fascinated her, the human body. she knew exactly what she wanted to go into, the program, the university. it was still early, but she knew deep down.

but the problem was her parents. her smile was quick to fade.

"whats wrong?" jongho asked her, concerned. "you went all quiet."

"its just," she sighed heavily, already feeling stupid. "i could call my family about this and they probably wouldnt care. or they'd forget about it in an instant."

yasmine didnt want to sound like the cliche rich girl that never got attention. especially to jongho, who also had parents who were in and out of the country.

she frowned and shook her head, tucking her hair behind her ear as she laughed awkwardly. "its dumb, i know. im happy they let me model for them and stuff but i feel like they dont care about my other accomplishments, thats all."

"hey," jongho's gentle hands found her chin, stroking it softly. yasmine gulped as she stared at his handsome face that were giving her pitiful eyes. "im here. i care about your accomplishments."

yasmine sighed internally. that was the point. the reason. all right there.

there was something about venting to a man that just felt pointless. especially when he found you attractive. he'd somehow always make it about him. or make sure he looked good at the end of it. as if he was some solution to all your issues.

yasmine couldnt stand it. but she loved jongho as a person. so she never spoke her thoughts.

maybe it was his attention. she thought if she lost it, she would be worse off. after all, its not like she had her parents. they were in their own bubble more than half the time.

"thanks jongho," yasmine defeatedly muttered with a smile. standard procedure.

"i can tell you dont feel better, you know. you should come over later," he suggested. "we can have a few drinks and chill. watch a movie. i can make you forget for a while."

she'd be lying if she said she didnt want to forget. things were bad at home. constant arguing. yasmine was always getting told she was the only good thing in the house. the pressure to not fuck up was getting worse. when all she wanted to do was fuck up. she wanted to let loose. and be free.

she smiled again. "yeah yeah, i'll come over. will it just be us?"

jongho gave her an awkward smile. "do you want it to be just us?"

just as yasmine was about to answer, a message popped up on her screen, the notification tone blocking her words.

shit.

"crap," she hissed, standing up and dropping her bag from her lap, and all her things at once. "its yaera."

jongho groaned aloud. "ugh, what now?"

yasmine didnt miss the disdain in his voice. but she couldnt deal with his hatred for her now. her head was pounding just thinking of how bad the atmosphere would be when she got home.

"she skipped school and got drunk. shes at the police station, she got arrested," yasmine said with a heavy sigh. "they just called my parents."

"of fucking course," jongho said with a roll of his eyes. "im not even surprised. shes doing all this for attention you know."

"i dont think im going to be able to come over because of this," and just by those words jongho's anger rose to the surface.

"i fucking swear. she ALWAYS gets in the way of things," he snapped, making yasmine flinch. she knew he couldnt stand her but seriously?

"its not that serious, chill," she tried to say, but jongho just shook his head angrily.

"no but its true, isnt it? she keeps fucking up and then you have to clean up the mess. why doesnt she just run away or something since she wants to get kicked out so bad? shes just making everything worse at home!"

yasmine felt guilty. jongho wasnt wrong. everything argument these days revolved around yaera. her grades. her attitude. how she was in her own world. how she didnt have any goals. how she was stuck in her room and couldnt put in any effort. how lazy she was, how much space she took up. every single thing was a problem.

but yasmine wished she could help it. she tried before. fixing her sister. but all it did was made her latch onto her like a koala to a tree . then yasmine had to cut her branches. and now yaera was going off on her own, not telling her anything, acting out in ways worse than before.

"i dont get why shes doing this...i just," she felt exhausted just thinking about it. "something happened but she wont tell me. maybe i did something. maybe she got her heartbroken. shes been getting worse."

"theres nothing wrong with her," jongho scoffed. "shes just an attention whore. now that youre not attached to her hip shes acting out to make you feel guilty. dont fucking fall for it, yas."

he was so harsh. "the counsellor my parents got for her wants to send her to a therapist or psychologist or something. they think shes depressed or has something going on up there."

jongho bent his elbows on his knees and sighed, staring at his shoes. "i cant believe she fucked up you coming over. i wish she would just go away."

yasmine frowned and picked up her things, starting to pack them. jongho looked up at her broodingly. she was leaving.

"i have to get going," she said with an apologetic smile. "i'll talk to you later, yeah."

***

yaera

im pacing tirelessly in the dull sun, grey clouds hanging over and my stress levels up to my head. san is sitting on the grass with his backpack clutched infront of him, jongho's prized camera inside.

that asshole is so dead.

"whats taking this fucker so long?" i snap, my irritation erratic. i just want him to face me. to dare be so callous about what he did. it'll be funny, really. hearing his bs explanation.

"hes scared," san says, annoyingly calm. "he should be really. this looks really bad for him."

i stop in my tracks and stare at him dead straight. "arent you angry?"

he frowns in confusion. "angry about what?"

"about how he almost tried to frame you and pin it on you because you're poor. you're not angry about that?"

san shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. "im not worried about me right now. his stunt was cheap, but im not surprised. he'll get whats going to him, is all im going to say. wooyoung and i still have to have a talk with him."

"good," i say coldly. "jongho deserves whats coming to him."

san's eyes trail behind me and he suddenly stands up. when i whirl around to check, jongho is creeping up on me slowly, looking like he has a stick pressed up his ass.

"where's my camera?" he asks, giving san an annoyed look. "do you have it?"

i force a laugh and step infront of jongho as he tries to approach san. "im sorry? you owe me a fucking explanation."

jongho groans and looks down at me with disdain. "i change my mind. i dont owe you anything."

"what?" san asks harshly. there's an edge in his voice that makes jongho cautiously step back.

"why should i explain myself to you people?" he asks defensively, like a cornered animal. "she was my best friend. its natural that i have pictures of her. she was everything to me."

this fucking guy.

"pictures where she doesnt even know you're there? thats natural?" san scoffs. im gritting my teeth as my hands start to warm and twitch.

jongho lets out a dry laugh and rolls his eyes arrogantly. "shut up and give me my camera back you pauper."

"is it natural to have pictures of me too?" i bring up harshly, making jongho pause and look at me.

its the worlds most awkward eye contact. he doesnt look ashamed. theres nothing behind his eyes.

"i was going through a phase. it was grief," he says emptily. "just give me my camera back and we can act like this never happened."

"you really think its going to be that easy?" i laugh humorlessly. hes so used to getting his way.

jongho sighs irritably like this is some inconvenience, like getting the wrong order at a restaurant. "what the hell do you want, yaera? i explained to you, didnt i? i said it was grief."

"you didnt explain shit!" i burst. "and bullshit! you call this grief? you stalked yasmine while she was still fucking alive. you stalked her before she went missing. whats to stop me from taking this to the police right now to fuck you over?"

"no–" jongho suddenly steps forward, grabbing my wrists and tightening his fists around them. i stare at him in disbelief. san gets in the middle quickly and shoves him hard, making him stumble back and fall onto the grass.

jongho looks up deranged, like an even bigger drug addict than yeosang. "you cant take that to police!" he screams. "you cant. i wont let you. its all i have left of her."

"how do we know you didnt harm her sister?" san snaps. "you're clearly a sick fuck."

"i would have never harmed yasmine!" jongho shouts furiously. "she was my best friend dont you ever utter bullshit like that again!"

"yet you stalked her?"

"i was at the party the night she went missing, you idiots!" jongho gets up, practically heaving with rage. his dark eyes dart to me. "dont you remember, yae? i was fucking cleared before anyone else. i called your parents to ask if yasmine ever made it home. what the fuck are you accusing me of here?"

"i just want to know why you stalked her while she was still alive and kicking!" i burst out in frustration. "why did you stalk me too? what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"because..." he groans and starts to grip his hair hopelessly. "i just wanted to feel like i still had her."

san and i turn to look at each other, neither of us having any idea of what that meant.

"she was slipping away from me," he admits pathetically. "she was seeing someone. she wouldnt even tell me who, but he was better. richer. older too. i just wanted to pretend like she was mine. so i followed her. i followed her when she met him. i took pictures of them together. and then the one time i didnt follow her...she went missing and..."

an empty ache settles in my chest and i dont even have the words to describe how i feel. i dont know how im supposed to feel.

"and yaera?" san presses on. "why did you stalk her?"

jongho lifts his head to look me dead in the eyes, a distant gaze of regret and resentment buried deep inside. "a failed experiment. i tried to gain some control over my life again. i wanted to pretend like she was still here. like she was still around. so i followed you and–"

he doesnt get to finish that because i drive my fist into his jaw, knocking him back a few steps. jongho holds his jaw as san grabs my wrist and pulls me away, turning my body away from jongho.

i quickly shove him off me, not even bothering to enjoy the contact. it feels like my head is going to explode from all the rage clogging up inside. i cant believe this.

"you're such a fucking loser, jongho," i say with a bitter laugh. "and so very pathetic. yasmine died so you stalked me and pretended i was her? as if you didnt compare us enough when she was still alive. you're a sick, pathetic fuck!"

"you're the one who wanted to know so badly," he mocks me. "do you want to know why i stopped? because i realized you would never be her. or come close."

i stare at him in disbelief. "it must suck doesnt it? to know that even in death she surpasses you."

i hate him. i hate that he weaponises her death to trigger me. i hate that he keeps trying to enforce a rivalry with someone i love, who i will literally never see again. i hate him so much.

"hey thats enough. are there more pictures?" san asks him coldly. "are these your only ones?"

he hesitates before shaking his head. san scoffs.

"so if we came to your house and checked, there wouldnt be any more pictures?"

"you're not coming to my house!" jongho huffs.

"except we are. or else everyones going to find out how mental you are," san threatens. "we know you have more pictures. youre going to give us all of them. and i'll.make sure they get wiped."

"why are you doing this?!" jongho screams hopelessly, looking at san. there are tears in his eyes. this fucker has the nerve to cry. "you wont gain anything from this, you know? you're just–"

"get therapy, jongho." i interrupt him, accepting his anger.

"arent you the one who tried to kill herself?"

"thats enough!" san yells above both of us, grabbing my hand and glaring at jongho. "we'll see you after school."

we leave him on the field to stress and wallow in his own hatred, his eyes never straying from us until we're out of reach.

***

San

the fact that my future could have been ruined at just the beginning of the school day fills me with a sudden hatred i didnt even know i had in me. i never paid attention to anyone at this school, never had any friends because the rich and entitled pricks that floated in the halls of mountain creek legitimately drove me insane.

its happening again.

its lunch and all i can think of is pounding that asshole jongho's face in. i know its not smart though, so i hold myself together. i'll wait till i have enough leverage over him, then, i'll put a crack into his skull.

i text wooyoung about it while im on my way to my eating spot. hes excited to beat the shit out of someone again, and i know im not supposed to encourage his violent tendencies, but this time i would. wooyoung can be a loose cannon, hes still in so much trouble for what he pulled with the black dragons. but that enthusiasm is exactly what i need tonight.

the kind that makes rich creeps like choi jongho pay.

as im picturing his stupid face getting pummeled, something slams into my shoulder. or rather, a LOT of somethings.

im knocked into the metal of the lockers, my backpack sliding off my shoulders and my phone crashing to the floor. i hear the screen cracking further, which drives me insane. what the fuck. i dont have time to get a new phone.

i look up at the culprits and feel my blood boil.

players from the soccer team. they're all watching me with disgusted faces, all sporting their black and gold jerseys. fucking jocks. i always hated them.

"watch where you're going, guttercrust!" one of them yells at me. great, another slur for poor people. these assholes always have a bunch on hand.

i dont say anything. i dont want trouble. i just want to get to eat before this break ends. i reach down to pick up my bag and phone, but both are snatched out of my grip before i can graze them. my phone is kicked across the hall, and my bag is lifted over one of the soccer players heads, sending all my books tumbling out and onto the floor.

"what the hell!" i snap, grabbing my now empty bag from the guy's hands. they all cackle together, sounding like a choir of farm animals.

"thats only a fucking fraction of what we'll do to you," one of them says. "we know you took those stuff from the boys lockerroom. jongho wouldnt lie."

"yeah, maybe you wouldnt need to steal if you went to a school that fits your tax bracket." another adds and they all burst out laughing again.

i can beat the shit out of them. every single one of them. maybe even kill them. maybe i should just use Miss A and ask her for a favour for myself for once. maybe then–

"hey hey hey, leave my boy lazarus alone whats going on here?" a voice interjects. i sigh and turn around, that horrid nickname coming from the one and only...

"yeosang-uh...we were just..."

yeosang wraps his arm around my shoulders and i look down at his short frame awkwardly. he smiles up at me, then at the soccer douchebags. what the hell is happening.

"you werent bullying my boy choi san were you, mingyu?" yeosang asks, his smile suddenly falling. "cause you know i dont like that shit."

"relax man," the guy named mingyu says, visibly tense now. "we were just playing around."

"really? not cool man. not cool," yeosang sighs. "if this is what you call playing around, dont bring this shit anywhere near my party, alright? you get me?"

mingyu nods awkwardly and beckons his flock of soccer assholes to follow him as they leave. but before he goes, yeosang whistles aggressively.

"hold on, boys! put my boy lazarus's belongings in the state you found them."

i cant believe my eyes. i dont know what sick social contract exists in this school, but yeosang actually manages to get the soccer players to reverse back and pick up my phone and scattered books. they hand everything back to me in a neat fashion, awkwardly nodding to me as they leave.

"theres no way you're that popular." i scoff to myself, pulling away from being yeosang's arm rest. i face him awkwardly. "thanks, i guess. but what do you want?"

he blinks at me, feigning offense. "what do you mean, lazarus? i did that out of the goodness of my heart!"

i force a knowing smile. "you want more rosies?"

"well now that you mention it im kind of unhappy with your customer service," yeosang suddenly glares. "you didnt check your messages again. i asked you to bring me two more bags."

why the fuck is he going through these bags so quickly? "yeosang how many times do i have to tell you–"

"i dont need you to tell me anything, lazarus. im the fucking customer and i lay your bills. you should be grateful i even put up with this, sunwoo never did this to me. he would bring me what i want whenever i wanted."

i cant believe what im hearing. this idiot doesnt care for anyone but himself, which i know shouldnt be surprising. hes addicted to drugs and hes a rich boy, but still.

"i gave you four bags not too long ago, just yesterday actually," i remind him bitterly.

he leans forward and shoves his pointed finger into my chest. "and im telling you. i want. more whenever i ask. when you come to my party tomorrow, i expect you to be my righthand fucking man. dont show up unless you have what i want, and if you behave you can even bring marino as your plus one."

he laughs at the end, that usual, arrogant laugh that comes with knowing you couldnt face the consequences of your actions even if they were right infront of you.

yeosang's mention of yaera reminded me of how he treated her and i cant help but remember what he did at yunhos club so many months ago. this guy is a piece of shit. im not any better, but ive definetely been too friendly.

he doesnt respect my boundaries no matter how much ive asserted. customer is always right? i think the fuck not.

"whoa, lazarus!" yeosang dramatically says. "why are you looking at me like you wanna kill my ass? did i say something wrong?"

"you remember yunho?" i question. my fist is tight beside me. one more provoking word out him and hes done for.

"yeah? friend of my old pal sunwoo? the club owner right? what about him?"

"hes missing," i say. yeosang frowns in confusion. as if he doesnt know what that has to do with him.

"damn i didnt realize i was supposed to care?" yeosang rubs the back of his head. "you guys are going through some shit, huh? havent heard from sunwoo in four months either. why you telling me this? i didnt know the guy."

"be careful, yeosang. behave at this party of yours."

i sling my backpack over my shoulders and walk away, leaving yeosang with his mouth hanging agape. "what the fuck, lazarus? did you just threaten me?" he yells after me. "i just helped you, asshole!"

when i get to the stairwell, yaera is already there waiting for me. god im tired. i just want to sit in silence and eat. i slump down on the floor and lean my head against the wall.

"what the hell happened to you?" she asks, looking me up and down.

imagine admitting to getting bullied. at eighteen years old. im almost nineteen for fucks sake. i dont answer her because i dont feel like it.

yaera sighs. "well then. i get it. this day isnt a complete fuck up tho. i got a buyer."

i hear money calling. she suddenly has my full attention. "for the rosies?"

"nope, not yet," she lifts her phone for me to see. my glasses arent on so i dont know what im looking at. "for the watch. i got paid a shipping fee and everything, some dude in india really wants it bad."

i nod, kind of impressed. "wow, that was quick."

"the transaction isnt complete yet, but the money will be in by this weekend. we can split the cash then."

"good job."

shes kind of efficient. i guess she has really done most of the things she told me she would do. now all i need are the results. im gonna start drawing up how much money has been coming in. i still have the black dragons cash wooyoung and i split.

i should give yaera her share.

"hey, before we go to yeosang's party tomorrow, come by my apartment," i tell her. "i have something for you."

she smirks. "are we finally getting to third base? we havent even been to first."

"what?" i cough on my own spit. my cheeks are flaming. "uh no. ugh. just...wait till you get there. but it isnt that."

"damn, you really love turning into a stuttering mess when im around, huh?" she teases. "must be my natural charm."

"charm?" i scoff, not really having a comeback for that. i go embarrassingly silent after as she waits for me to elaborate. fuck it.

"your phones ringing." she innocently points out after. i look down and see wooyoung calling me.

"woo?" i answer, sighing. wooyoung is a man who never listens.

"yeah yeah yeah!" he instantly screams into my ear, making me wince and pull the phone away. i put him on speaker and dial the volume very low so i can hear him on a normal level.

"i know you said not to call you at school but i dont really wanna hear from you either, alright?" he says, making me chuckle against my will. "Miss A got a job for us tonight. we gotta go to the night market in the old town. get some protection money outta them."

"can i come too?" yaera asks excitedly. i glare at her and shake my head before answering wooyoung.

"is that it?"

"yeah, then we take everything to changbin, he'll give everything to Miss A."

"can you do that for the both of us?" i ask him. "you got nothing going on right?"

"no way man! i already faced him by myself after what happened with yunho. he wanted proof we changed the license plate!" wooyoung says, sounding stressed. "and he's been keeping up with the news since the club. apparently the cops caught us on camera from a distant alley, but they cant recognize us."

my blood runs cold at wooyoungs words. that night was the riskiest thing to ever happen to us. everything was reckless from the beginning. the thought of my future disappearing freezes me up. it flashes before my eyes before i get a grip.

"okay, i'll go with you," i say with difficulty. "but you'll still pick me up from school right? you know what you promised."

my eyes drift up toward yaera. shes watching me curiously, not being very subtle about listening in.

"yeah yeah, you little baby. we'll go beat the shit out of that stalker for your little blackmailer."

i can hear the eyeroll in wooyoung's tone. i quickly hang up but yaera chuckles to herself, having already heard it all.

"i cant leave school with you guys, just fyi," she says. "you know my parents are picking me up. i can just go to jongho's house on my own, he only lives fifteen minutes away from me."

i nod, thinking to myself. the two of them really hate each other. i know why, but everytime they interact i feel like it goes deeper than what yaera's told me.

before i can ask, the bell rings and i havent even touched my food yet. yaera frowns and pouts.

"do you wanna skip class? we have evans next period."

"i dont skip class and i wont start now," i tell her. she rolls her eyes. "and neither will you. im not tutoring you just so you can fail again. you're coming with me to class."

she seems to take my words as a challenge. "and if i say no?"

i shrug. "then i dont tutor you. i dont like wasting my time."

yaera stares at me, a smile forming on her face. it looks devious but sincere at the same time. and like always im left speechless and awkward. at this point im convinced she does it on purpose.

"okay. lets go to class then."

***

yaera

“where are you going?” 

my father’s voice startles me as im halfway out the foyer, backpack on my shoulder and ready to leave. i didnt even hear him come in, ive been alone all afternoon, the empty house something im already used to. hes watching me over the rim of his glasses, a magazine in hand. 

“oh hi. when did you get home?” i ask. 

“half n hour ago. now answer me, where are you going?”

“to jongho’s house.”

“alright, I’ll take you.” he begins to stand up and i groan in annoyance. 

“thats not necessary. he lives 15 minutes away.”

my father stares at me blandly. “i know you’ve been sneaking out at night. i dont know why but im making sure you’re going exactly where you say you are. your mother is meeting with Santo as we speak, they are working hard on the gala. whatever you are busy with, im going to tell you once to stop.your mother does not need the extra stress, alright?”

i bite my lip and stop myself from laughing. i cant believe this. im kind of embarrassed for not being slick, but at least it was my father and not my mother. hes far easier to lie to. 

i dont say anything as we get into his car, texting san that ive run into a little inconvenience. hopefully they wait for me before shit goes down, i dont want to miss a single thing. 

the car ride with my father is empty and silent. im in the passenger and he avoids eye contact with me like a man facing medusa, something im used to after everything thats happened to our family. we have never been close, but its never been this bad. i guess its hard to face the only child you have left after neglecting them for years, knowing that most if not all of their hardships have directly been caused by you.

but no. i cant just blame them. my therapist always said that i cant control what others do, but i can control how i react to their actions. me wanting to get far as fuck away from them feels like having all the control in the world.

“how long are you planning to stay at jongho’s?” he breaks his silence. 

“a long while. you dont have to wait for me.”

he nods curtly. “i didnt realize the two of you still spoke to one another.”

as if he knows anything thats going on with me lately. i dont answer him.

“have you been sneaking off to see him?”

the question makes me frown, disgust pooling in my stomach. i would have probably gotten butterflies just thinking of that, but right now all i feel is sick. then i think this is the perfect opportunity to guilt trip him. 

“no, ive just been going out for walks by myself. i cant sleep nowadays,” i mutter. “ive been thinking of her a lot. i know you probably think im out drinking or getting into trouble, but all i really do is sit on a park bench and think of what it would be like if she was here right now.”

silence. empty, cold silence. my father has stopped infront of jongho’s house, his eyes ghostily staring at his steering wheel.

i dont feel bad for hurting him. i had to get used to him being physically there and yet being far away. i had to get used to saying five sentences a week to him. i had to get used to him never hearing me out when he was at my mothers side, i had to watch him slip away while he was right infront of me. ill hurt him however i can. just so he can feel something, or anything when he looks at me. anything but empty.

“dont sneak out anymore.” he tells me after five minutes of just sitting there. eyes still on the wheel. “or let me take you where you want to go. if something happens to you too, your mother will be very upset.”

“okay. bye papa.”

“bye.”

i get up and out of the car. as my father pulls away and disappears down the street, a black van comes around the other corner, stopping infront of me. its the same one san got into when he chased down yunho. when the window rolls down, i come face to face with wooyoung and his massive black sunglasses.

“youre lucky you have someone like san around, sweetheart! you did nothing to earn bodyguard services.” he yells, and i hear san punch him in the shoulder. “ouch! what did you do that for?!”

“i told you he tried to get me in trouble!” san grits through his teeth.

“yeah, because you were involved with her! this guy hasn’t once looked your way before!” 

“you dont have to be here if you dont want to,” i say with an insincere smile. wooyoung gets out and rolls his eyes at me.

“yeah right, as if im letting you drag san into your shit alone. wheres this bozo stalker you speak of?”

i turn around and see jongho’s room light on. we still have his camera, so he’ll have to come out. i start to ring his phone, and he answers on the first ring.

“we’re out front.” i say and immediately hang up so he feels the urgency. 

he doesnt come out. his iron wrought fence buzzes open for us to go inside, and he's waiting on his veranda.

"this is the guy?" wooyoung scoffs. "whys he a creep? hes attractive as fuck."

san and i both give him side-eyes as we approach jongho. his eyes are low as he holds the door open for us.

"did you bring my camera?" he asks, his shoulders stiff and tense.

"uh uh uh, wheres the rest of the pictures?" i ask. jongho glares at me.

"i...have it. i have it, just do you have the camera?"

i nod silently, walking into his house. wooyoung and san follow behind me, with both of them staring wide-eyed at jongho's massive house. its all dark inside, with only certain rooms lit up. just like i know him,living like a fucking vampire most of the time. maybe thats why hes so weird.

"the pictures...they're up in my room." he says.

"why are you slurring?" i ask, leading the brigade. "you still feeling the effects of getting the sense knocked into you?"

wooyoung loudly sniffs him. "nah, this guys been drinking. he smells like fucking hand sanitizer."

i push open his room door and find the place empty. its been so long since ive stepped foot in here. things happened against the lack of my better judgment. even when i knew it wouldnt end well, i always ended up coming back.

im lost in it for a moment, remembering why im here. "where are the pictures?" i turn around as something loudly creaks.

im staring into the mouth of the gun, with jongho pointing it right at me. i forget to breathe on the spot.

"give me back my camera," he seethes "and then get the fuck out of my house."

"you wouldnt kill me, youre too much of a pussy," i grit out at him, albeit terrified. "you stole your dad's gun just to get back your creepy stalker pictures? thats rich."

"yaera, shut up. jongho,put the gun down," san says, him and wooyoung frozen on the sides of him. "what do you think youre doing?"

"you think im kidding?" he snaps. "i want my shit back! you had no right to fucking take it!"

san starts to take off his backpack. "dont fucking give it back!" i scream. "hes bluffing, cant you see that?"

"shut up, yaera," san mutters, infuriating me. he takes the camera out to my disbelief, actually moving to give it to jongho.

just as san puts it in jongho's hand, wooyoung comes from the side and rips the gun from his other hand. he shoves jongho into his wall, the camera falling to the ground. i lunge to pick it up and immediately run to the other side of his room.

jongho lets out a frustrated scream. "you fucking assholes!"

wooyoung laughs mockingly as he looks at the barrel of the gun. "would you look at that? its empty."

"pointing a gun with no bullets, arent you embarrassed?" i sneer. "i knew you were just bluffing."

"now where are the actual pictures?" san asks coldly. jongho looks up at him hatefully, refusing to answer. a second later, wooyoung runs full speed at jongho, kicking him hard in the chest. jongho falls to his knees, and san rips his hair back, making him wheeze out in pain.

"tell me. i wont ask again," san demands. wooyoung is excitedly waiting on the side for no answer again, just so he can slam the end of the gun into jongho's temple. he hits his floor head first, coughing hazardously.

at first it feels good to watch him suffer. to see him in genuine pain. then i realize what we're doing. its getting us nowhere. we're just beating him up, but he still has everything we need.

wooyoung is pounding his fist onto jongho and only when i get near does he stop. "no more games," i say and bend infront him, his bruised face leaking with blood. "give it up, jongho. or would you rather i take this camera to the police?"

he raises his hand and points to his bed before weakly choking out, "under it."

san goes to get it, struggling to lift the heavy bed along with wooyoung. underneath it they find a file, it looks like an ordinary photography file as san flips through it. but then the photos get more sinister. dark figures appear on different occassions. only silhouettes of what once was.

"what is this?" wooyoung groans. "you cant see shit in these."

"leave it to ningning," san says, taking the file and shoving it into his backpack. he tosses the camera onto jongho's bed, and jongho hopelessly stares at it as warm tears spill down his eyes.

i dont know why im queasy. he did something wrong. he is in the wrong and yet i feel so empty looking at him.

"we took your memory card, so dont even try to get those pictures back," i tell him. he doesnt react. im about to get up when he grabs my hand and pulls me down.

"you took the only part of her i had left," he says weakly, but his eyes are angry. "fuck you, yaera."

i roll my hand out of his, disgusted and annoyed all at once. san comes and takes my arm and we leave jongho to seethe on the floor with his injuries.

my stomach is in knots all the way out, especially when its time for us to part ways. i know san has places to be and things to do tonight, but i cant help but feel insanely grateful for what hes done.

he didnt need to beat the shit out of jongho. he didnt need to come here. but he did.

"i'll get these checked out by that contact i told you about," san tells me while we stand on the pavement. "she'll be able to get you everything, time, date, where these pictures were taken."

"i want to come with you," i say. wooyoung gives san a silent but obvious look, clearly thinking its a bad idea.

san is hesitant. "are you sure?"

i nod. "i wanna see first hand. i'll behave i promise."

"okay. fine, we can go together then."

wooyoung loudly sighs. "okay this was fun, but we have somewhere to be, remember san?"

"oh...yeah." san awkwardly looks down at me and gives me another nod. "goodnight, yaera."

"thank you...for tonight," i say, kind of embarrassed. i dont know why. it always ends this way. hes so many different people in one day. but it always ends with this. i feel like we should hug but hes so extra distant with wooyoung around.

i hesitate to call my father, wanting to wait till they leave because i know he'll be here in a flash. san and wooyoung get into their van and speed off into the night, leaving me alone.

***

SAN

"i feel like you already know this is a bad idea, but youre still doing it, so let me pick your brain, choi san. what the fuck is going on inside your head?"

i sigh, not in the mood for this. i keep looking at jongho's photography file and his ominous photos from following yaera's twin and her lover. i wanted to ask him where he followed them to but i doubt jongho's saying a word of anything anymore now that he has nothing left to give us.

"earth to san???" woo starts clicking his fingers beside my ear. i glare at him and shove at his shoulder.

"eyes on the road asshole," i remind him.

"answer my questions," he demands. "what exactly do you plan to do with those weird ass pictures?"

"i'll take it to mao's granddaughter then–"

"AND WHAT do you hope to achieve?" he interrupts me. i stare at him flatly.

"what do you mean?" i ask in annoyance.

"okay so ningning tells you who the guy in the photos are and where these pictures were taken, best case scenario. i wanna know what the fuck it has to do with you san."

"her sister was MURDERED, woo," i say exasperatedly. "and no one has been arrested. no ones probably seen these photos before. this could be her sisters murderer right in these blurry shots."

"yeah but what does it have to do with you?" woo insists, giving me a deadpan look. "i thought you two were just using each other, so why are you doing all this for someone who blackmailed you into shit?"

i dont answer. why should i answer? now im just annoyed.

"fine, be angry at me," woo says with a sigh and cranks up the radio. "but just remember, youre getting way too involved. you wouldnt walk the dog of your evil business partner, so you shouldnt care about shit that doesnt benefit you."

"jongho almost got me expelled!" i remind him. woo doesnt react to my raised voice to my disappointment. "and why did you help me if you were just going to be annoying about it? i could have beat him myself."

"i HELPED because of YOU, idiot. and sure jongho almost got you expelled but thats not why you were so worked up, huh?"

i stay quiet out of irritation. i know woo's just gonna accuse me of shit and he already thinks hes right so theres no point in arguing.

"you're not doing yourself any favours, sannie, just remember that. its better to keep your distance and make sure you get your cut."

we arrive at the night market at the old town, the smell of fish and the cold ocean wind hits us hard as soon as we step out of the van. our masks are on, our beanies too. to these people, we're just walking pairs of eyes demanding money in the name of Miss A.

we go to different street vendors, collecting her 'tax'. wooyoung does most of the talking because he likes the theatrics.

"collecting for Miss A," he dramatically deepens his voice, leaning half over the peoples stalls when he does.

when the people respond its not the end of the month yet, wooyoung reminds them of an age old gang war that no one cares about anymore, that killed ten street vendors and asks if they want to end up the same. if not, they have to pay the protection money to stay protected.

"you're a sick fuck, you know that?" i tell him as we walk through the lit pathways. the place is lively, with people shouting sales and prices right in your place as you walk.

"what? im just saying what changbin told us to say!" he defends. i roll my eyes.

"you enjoy that a little too much. plus youre only supposed to say the collector line, not intimidate them!"

"says the guy who just came from.intimidating someone for a girl!" wooyoung fires back and i put out my leg to trip him. he jumps over it and flips me off as we exit the market.

we take a route through the dark alleys, as it keeps us out of any police view. they normally roam the market because of light weight brawls in the street, but recently they've been catching on to gang presence in the middle of it all.

i cant wait to graduate. i wont be here for when this all goes to shit.

as woo and i walk through the alleys on the way back to the car, we hear a faint rumble in the air. i stop in my tracks and turn around as woo continues strolling, acting like he isnt carrying extortion money on his person.

a black cars headlights shine on us, so bright i cant see the people in the front. its a sleek black mustang. where the fuck did it come from????

woo stops once he realizes im not next to him anymore. "hey what the?"

the cars lights stay on us, making my stomach clench. suddenly it jerks forward, rolling right toward us.

"oh fuck!" woo screams and we both break into a run. the car is fucking speeding on us down the alley and if we arent fast enough we'll be smashed into the wall or dragged under it. theres a sharp bend and we take it, but the car makes the sharp turn as well, still on our heels.

"ITS STILL CHASING US!" woo screams. its literally a few feet away from crushing us. i spot a fence at the end of the alley and i clench my fist as i run for it, bracing myself.

"woo, JUMP!" i tell him just as i vault myself at the fence, holding on for dear life. woo jumps just as the car crashes into the fence, not making it but landing on the hood of the mustang. he screams and collects himself and quickly joins me in climbing it, the two of us making it to the other side in a few panicked seconds.

we turn around and look at the mustang in disbelief. it reverses back without anyone getting out, disappearing right back around the bend.

woo and i look at each other, hes pale. i know im pale. my heart is racing. we just ran for our lives. whoever was behind that wheel just tried to kill us.

"did we just...almost die?"

A/N: IM SO SORRY IVE BEEN GONE SO LONG AND THIS CHAPTER IS REALLY ALL OVER THE PLACE 😭 I'LL DO BETTER NEXT TIME

also you guys should let me know if you want me to tag you for when new chapters come out. i also started uploading on wattpad. @amphibianblood if you prefer to read on there. warning tho, the story is behind on there 😭.

NEXT CHAPTER

[blamemma]

Am I the only one who thinks he both looks a lot better/healthier then he did last season but also still no where near how he used to look? Like he still looks so thin even if he looks better. Especially when 2018/2019 pics float around on the dash and you’re comparing; he’s lost so much weight/muscle you’d think he had gone through a serious Illness or smth

going to answer this under the cut as i know weight/food/stress etc can be a very difficult topic for people x

as someone in the last year and a half went through a shit time and consequently lost a lot of weight, putting that weight on is just as much of a mind struggle and can also be difficult! i'd 100% agree with you, he definitely still looks thin, but its been 6-7weeks since the season finished and he's maybe let himself indulge a little and so i wouldn't expect to see a massive change in him yet, and he wouldn't have just finished the season and suddenly gotten over the mental health aspect of it all, that'll take work and time.... also as well he's always liked to do active things anyway (riding bikes, idk he probably went swimming a lot with his niece and nephew at the beach, that kinda thing ya know) so just naturally he will have been burning calories and being active...he may also just never look like his 2018/19 self again, he's gotten older (not a bad thing) and this might just be the way he looks now....to me what's the most important is that smile on his face looks so genuine and not the one he used to plaster on during interviews and i think that's a very good thing x

he's always mentioned as well that he enjoys healthy foods and that's why he finds diets quite easy, so i can imagine he's been indulging in some good bbq and chicken burgers and large bowls of his mums pasta but i also dont think he'll be sat on the sofa eating 10 bags of crisps and chugging soda (which would be perfectly ok also if he did do that)

[hiro-doodlez]

HELP I can't see my therapist for a couple of weeks and am currently having something i like to dub "yet another hiro autism crisis" where i contemplate if my therapist gave me the right diagnoses (she has told me she is not certified to give autism diagnoses, and instead more things like depression) Right now, I am diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety/ Social anxiety (its still up in the air, DPDR, and depression. idk if that matters SO NOW I LIST RANDOM THINGS that could be considered symptoms or not I DUNNO HOW TO DO THISS feel free to ask questions about some of the crap i say here half of it doesn't make sense

First off, I have a general trouble understanding most social situations, and struggle sometimes when talking about practically anything. For example, earlier today my step-mom basically said she wasnt going to finish her food and let my brother have it. my brother said he would leave 2, he didnt (BOZO) and later after he left she found the empty container and said something along the lines "HAH! I thought he said he was gonna leave me 2!" and immdeiately without thinking i went "hey! you said he could have as many as he can! and hes working 10 hours a day and needs his energy!!" half jokingly and she got mad at me for it, we got into a mini argument over that.

When saying something thats serious, i tend to make a joke around it and i have NO CLUE why. I just CANT be openly upset around people. For example, when being told about something that happened to me as a kid that NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED RAGRHAGHAG, instead of having a breakdown and being reasonably upset, i burst out into giggles and laughs while my brother was just so fucking confused on what was wrong. It was kinda like i couldn't stop and it fucking sucked

The TINIEST things can upset me, and other HUGE things can have little to no effect. Its so incredibly annoying

I have INTENSE fluxuations in interests, hobbies, and motivation for certain projects. I will start on this huge project that im INCREDIBLY excited for, and then a week later have little to no interest in continuing it.

I make everything about my personality a joke, i dont know why. EVERYTHING i tend to say or do has to be funny. it's like i dont want people to see beneath that

I fluctuate in personality A TON, especially depending by the people i am around. At school, I'm the quiet kid. I don't talk to anyone except maybe 5 people, but other than that i tend to stay completely silent. It could be a mask? i dunno. but when im at home, ask my brothers, i am BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS. it might also be me just getting some of my energy out? RRAHHH I DUNNOOO

I will simply forget to do very important things to the point of endangering my health. Like forgetting to eat for a day straight. my step-mom thinks i have an ED AND I DONT. i literally just keep realizing suddenly at like 6 pm all i have eaten is a couple of skittles and pringles.

i have no clue how talking to people works and im constantly winging it. I forget how to have friends especially how to even talk or interact with them and its so stupid. I can't ever start a conversation with someone without having at least 5 minutes going "am i weird for this am i being annoying am i being clingy".

If i say even one thing wrong i WILL be thinking about it for DAYS thinking about how they probably hate me now and im a terrible person ect. ect.

I tend to hide many of my traits (especially good ones) because i am incredibly embarrassed and never want anyone to EVER compare themselves to me.

im a people pleaser does that count

i tend to get extremely upset if i get told one bad thing about something that i like or just a project i have. For example, I had this fandom silly man poll because i just wanted to find out who was silly. Then one of my friends just posted something like "i hate fandom polls theyre the worst" and i just lost complete motivation afterwards. I haven't touched that blog in WEEKS at this point becuase i simply have no more interst

I have had a meltdown or 2 before, and they both stemmed from being told about how i was a bad person. i don't know why the hell thats a thing

I can't stay focused on one thing for long periods of time (ADHD cough cough) Like literally earlier i was watching this video about autistic traits and i kept having to back the video up because i would get sidetracked in my mind to the point where im just not listening anymore

if im not paying attention to people sometimes I SWEAR theyre saying "ffajaleifnanamzmaldafjkjeffnma" and as soon as i start noticing it suddenly theres words again. hate that.

i have times where it can kinda seem like i cant speak, and if i do everything comes out wrong and jumbled. Like when my autistic friend would have a sensory related meltdown, i would never know what to do and end up going dead silent because of being so mad at myself for not knowing how to help (any tips actually hahahahaHOW DO I HELP)

i have little idea who the hell i am. had a mini-crisis because i didn't know what my favorite color was because before, it was the color my friend with synesthesia said i was and i just went with that (i think its purple or blue i have no fucking clue JFALJK)

i will have spikes of random motivation on one thing. like learning lanugauges, i will have a week where its so easy to get like 10 lessons on duolingo done a day and then the next week its a struggle to get even one done.

i focus better with distractions ??? I can't focus without music and tend to do better on reading tests if everyone else in the class is talking ???

i remember the most random things about certain things. Like, i could not for the LIFE of me remember what color that one persons hair that i was talking to for 15 minutes straight. but i can remember that they had pink socks on. WHY IS THAT WHAT I REMEMBER??

I hate organization and doing the same thing every day. i NEED chaos. My brother a little bit ago helped me out and got me to make a personal to-do list. i couldnt do it a single day even though the things were extremely simple like "brush hair, make bed, eat breakfast ect."

i zone out a LOT. especially when people bring up topics im uncomfortable with or conflict with my current feelings. i go into a kinda little talking (not nonverbal, i can still talk) or just confused state that freaking sucks.

when im in a high energy mood i tend to not feel.. reall???? I do many things overboard and annoy the heck out of my brothers. i always feel terrible afterwards.

Idk if this is weird to say but i tend to get really off put when people im comfy with get haircuts or major changes in their appearance. I never like the change no matter what the hair cut looks like. i dont have any clue why

i have no clue whether or not any of this is real or if I have managed to make it all up in my head. (bascially when i was younger i wanted attention and ended up faking depression for a year straight and was an absolute ass to my friends and blah blah blah)

[szif]

ok im watching a video from a really annoying guy talking about how sthe second half of dark souls falls apart compared to the first and he really goes down on tomb of the giants even though its.... not that bad. honestly it may be cuz i went to lost izalith before it and got the door shortcut opened with the sunlight maggot but like. i do not know how you could get so emotional about it like. also nito is an easy fight that you simply have to pay attention to (if youre deaf im sorry for the attack you wont be able to hear and theres no visual indication. that is a huge flaw) and its like. its not that bad compared to motherfucking seath the scaleless i mean come on. bed of chaos is bad because of a lack of information conveyed to the player, seath the scaleless is deeply flawed and becomes easy after you nullify the flaw that makes him unfair, and then nito is just. ok whatever. as long as you hear that unavoidable attack of his you can just get over it. like idk yeah sure i guess tomb of the giants not that good but if youre not flipping tables over the duke's archives and crystal cave and seath fight before it then like. i dont know if i can trust your opinion like the amount of pain i have absorbed in those areas amount to nothing when it comes to tomb of the giants. i actually kinda enjoyed the difficulty spike of the tomb because i saw the gigantic skeletons and it felt super scary and felt actually hard but i never died in there (got close to having a flyfuck amount of health though) and its like. idk whatever this guy is saying feels so personal and driven by his own emotional outburst for tomb of the giants and gravelord nito but i cant even imagine thinking of that area THAT much....

[godfreygwilym]

heyoooo heres the session 33 and 34 wombo combo deluxe recap

trouble goes back to the gang to explain that THE BONES are freaking missing (and also to balk at ludmilla and escher again), but not before (gently) interrogating yeska about the gravedigger and talking with ireena who tells them about a weirdo painter guy whos always skulking around the graveyard

they split the party (fuck me), trouble and ez go to the orphanage, mike and billy check out the artist's house, marjorie hangs out with leo again (i looove rping this guy) and then goes to the coffinmaker (!?!?) with ismark because she needs to find coffin lining for leo. initially i freak the fuck out but then i realize this could make for some great circular storytelling. so she basically talks with henrik though the partially open door, she lies about why she needs the coffin lining by saying ismark is having a mental health crisis and she needs to show him that death isnt worth it?!?? ismark is visibly embarrassed and confused as fuck. she offers one of the rings she found (i cant recall where, i think it was in the durst house) to henrik, he snatches it and gives her a whole fucking bolt of crushed velvet in return and slams the door (he's definitely gonna try to pawn it and hightail it out of vallaki)

meanwhile, mike and billy bust down the door to the artist's place (his name is anton karushkin-ziegel, a homebrew npc i made for this plotline) with mikes sick nat20 strength check, finally he looks cool in front of his girlfriend. billy divine senses the place and notices an undead presence upstairs. they sneak around all over the place and check out his paintings and realize they look stylistically similar to ones theyve seen in strahds place..... ouh la la!!! they also find anton's journal/sketchbook upstairs, which details his daily life, his strange nightmares, sketches of a very familiar looking gentleman, and some frantic notes about how his "muse" asked him to deliver a package (read: the bones) to the coffin shop. they hear creaking around in the bedroom and bust down the door again, only to find "anton" blearily sitting up in bed and looking alarmed— actually it was escher lounging in his bed, but when he heard intruders he disguises himself as anton and tried to play it off. he spends the next few minutes trying to seem like a total ditz and passing off half truths to the players, explaining that the karushkins have been the royal painters for generations, bla bla bla. meanwhile billy is freaking the fuck out because anton is registering to her as undead, so the players theorize that escher is turning anto into a vampire against his knowledge, which i find REALLY interesting.

ALSO meanwhile, Trouble and Ezmerelda investigate the orphanage, which is supposed to be a whole sesh but they made remarkably short work of it. intrigue was kinda lost but i dont really mind, plus they had another theory that it was ludmilla that cursed Millivoj and felix, which tbh is way more interesting than "yea he found a locket and now he's cursed"

fiiiiiiiinally, marjorie heads back to the coffin shop with newlyweds pidlwick and vasilka, to uh, tell henrik that ismark isnt gonna kill himself anymore (lol?), notices he seems even more antsy this time, uses detect thoughts on him, gets suspect. so she wanders around for a little trying to break in through the back door??? before finally deciding to climb up to the window (and discovering vasilka is yolked as FUCK). almost stole all henriks money from his room, remarkably didnt investigate all the crates in the attic. anyway, thats where we left off, hooooooooly fuck is shit ever gonna hit the fan next sesh, cheers

[mortuaest]

Ive been suffering and I dont want to be alive on new years eve, and if I dont stay too long at a friends house, my plan of possibly overdosing on a shit ton of pills will happen.

I lost a friend at the start of 2022.  I was never informed until I found out through FB then I was never informed of their funeral. I lost the job I had after 10 and a half years because Supervision and management. I got a new job, and within a week of that I had someone who was 87 years old blast through the red light they had while I was turning left.  Because of that Im now having more serious health issues.  Period for five and a half months.  My first severe concussion.  Staples in my head, broken bone. 

I lost my Emotional support animal.  Ive had him since he was five weeks old.  I was fifteen and a half.  He got me through so much abuse because of my egg donor not wanting an autistic child and an autistic adult as a child, and someone who’s Queer (I’m non-binary and asexual) and his cancer in his cheek got worse, fast.  He helped me through the medical rape I went through at 19 years old and he’s the reason why I lived for so long and stopped trying to take my life for so long. 

I expected to be dead by 14 years old.

Not even three weeks after loosing the light of my own life, I lost another friend.  His father didn’t really tell us the cause of death but it was an accident, and it wasn’t by his own hand which we’re happy that it wasn’t.  

Then I lost the last bit of family I thought I had on Christmas because of the fact that my father cannot accept the fact that I’m not his daughter, Im his offspring, and I havent been his daughter since around 2016 and havent used my Deadname unless its for legal reasons, since I dont have the time or money to legally change it since October 2018.  And my sister thinks that just respecting my pronouns and new name is all I need, and that whatever issues with my father I have with his severe transphobia is between him and I and not her issue, with her knowing full well Im dealing with so fucking much.

Friends JUST finally started giving a shit, not even a week ago.  A ton of them know and knew about my plans of suicide once my ESA passed, I cant last without him.  People know that he’s gone.  Im someone who has two sexual assaults, twenty plus years of physical, mental and emotional abuse, PTSD from that, PTSD from working during COVID-19 being immune comprimised and therapists not taking me seriously because I only have medicaid and I’m autistic and part of the LGBTA.

Im so, so tired.  I dont know if Ill be surviving this year and if I do its going to get even worse mentally and emotionally for me.  I don’t have a support system or anything that I know I need to survive and keep going and live.  I cant keep going.   Im so broken I don’t deserve to be fixed, and Im having my probably 30th or more mental breakdown because Im just so fucking tired of this year.

So if I disappear, and if I do survive this year, I’m sorry if I take a two week hiatus or something.  I don’t have replies barely ever to do anyway, so I doubt people will miss me.  Ill let people know.  I just, need to get this off my chest and I know my friends are tired of me ranting and bitching on FB.  They probably think Im over reacting on everything that happened.

I have a queue lined up to post memes once a day and I feel Ill be adding more as a just in case I do last past today.  

Im sorry if Ive disappointed anyone as a roleplay partner, Im sorry Im a shitty person.  Im sorry Im weak.

[suzythelie]

I posted 6 times in 2022

That's 6 more posts than 2021!

6 posts created (100%)

0 posts reblogged (0%)

I tagged 5 of my posts in 2022

Only 17% of my posts had no tags

#abuse survivor - 3 posts

#complex ptsd - 3 posts

#bipolar 2 - 3 posts

#mental disorder - 3 posts

#mental health - 3 posts

#ptsd - 2 posts

#bipolar mania - 2 posts

#stranger things - 1 post

#mental illness - 1 post

#bipolar disorder - 1 post

Longest Tag: 16 characters

#bipolar disorder

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Recovering from narcissist abuse,and severe ptsd. Im bipolar and im just barely hanging on. Some days go by ok and some days I hide and cry all day. I scream on the inside so no one hears me, I smile because I dont want anyone to know how bad I feel. The sun doesn't shine on me and the darkness is not where I want to be. I never want anyone to know how bad I'm hurting, but sometimes its to much. I feel so lost and um looking for something anything that makes me feel better. I dont want sympathy, I dont want to blame anyone, I just want to be able to stand on my own two feet and feel worthy of life.

0 notes - Posted August 24, 2022

#4

Today I hate myself! I slept to long, I are the wrong food, im gaining weight when I need to lose. My head hurts from crying, my knees hurt from praying to God to help me find peace. I want to scream and throw something breakable. I want so much to be ok and stop feeling this way. How am I so old and still so stupid. Why do I always choose to care. I let him hurt me over and over so many times that when he left for good I just knew he would come back. I took steps to make sure he would never hurt me again. Steps that I knew he would not be able to accept, I didnt want him back. I was to scared that I would keep allowing him to hurt me until he went to far.i didn't know he was a narcissist for sure. The day he told me he was marring a girl half our age it was like he took all of the air out of my lungs and held his hand over my mouth so I couldn't get more. Now she is his victim and im living in a nightmare. Im scared of the whole world. I cant ever be with someone like him again but everyone I meet seems to be like that. So it must be me. So what do I do. I put on a smile and I pray to God above please don't let me fall in love today everyday. It would kill me.

1 note - Posted October 19, 2022

#3

I want to write a book and I need some help. I dont even know where to start actually.

1 note - Posted August 19, 2022

#2

I had never heard the word "narcissist " before and I really didn't know what it meant. About six months into my relationship with him my daughter said to me" mom he is a Narcissist and he will only hurt you" I kinda laughed it off and I didn't really think about it again. When he beat me up and threw me out of his car in the middle of nowhere in the pouring rain only to come back and get me 45 minutes later, my friend at work told me he was a "narcissist " but I still didn't know what that meant. In today's society everyone has a label label. Im bipolar and i have ptsd, so saying someone is a narcissist didn't really bother me. Fast forward about 4 years. He had completely taken over my life. He gave me my medication because he had if locked in a box so I couldn't get it or even see what hd was giving me. I couldn't see my children unless he was with me. I felt empty and alone, but a narcissist? Maybe? Was he a narcissist or was I for wanting to have things my way for a day or two. Was it his fault or mine for letting him say whatever, do whatever and still believe he loved me. Whose fault was it? I honestly didn't know!

4 notes - Posted December 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Being a survivor means getting past the pain and hurt to a point that you can help people who haven't made it to that point. Hope and faith brings a person closer to living happiness again and never looking back to what happened wanting to go back. Its help you push forward and start over weather you're alone or not. Being alone is not a bad thing sometimes it make you strong so that you can let the person who is supposed to be in you life walk in and show you what real is.

7 notes - Posted November 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[kindnessisweakness2]

Perfect Chaos - Part 8

Pulling up to the cabin shocked Ez and Angel instantly. It was fucking huge and not what they were expecting at all. The modern building stood tall in front of acres of green woodland. On the left side of the building there was a large lake with a small dock. A large garden area overlooked the beautiful view, with large sofas and a fire pit. Riley slid off of Angels bike and took her helmet off as she made her way towards the keypad. Quickly typing in the numbers, she stepped back as the large black gates opened and waved at Coco to drive through. "This isn't like any cabin I've ever been to." Ez smiled at Riley as she met them by the front door. Smiling wide at him, Riley finally felt safe with the gates closed behind her. This was her dad's cabin and his security system was second to none. She always used to joke that he was preparing for the purge to come true. "Lets go in through the garage. You can put your bikes inside." Leading them towards the right side of the house, she stopped outside a large grey rolling door. Entering another code the door started to lift and the 3 boys eyes widened like kids in a candy store. The garage was huge with various tools lining the walls. But the best bit was the 3 vintage Harley Davidson Motorcycles parked in the corner. Instantly the lads made their way over and admired the bikes. "You ride?" Coco questioned Riley. Shaking her head she laughed. "No. They were my dad's. I promised I'd never get rid of them. This cabin was my dad's. He left it to me when he died. I can't bring myself to get rid of his things." Quickly changing the subject, she headed towards the door that lead into the kitchen of the cabin. “Lina, I’ll leave you to show the boys their rooms. The usual rules. Dads old room and office is out of bounds. Help yourself to anything, the fridge will be stocked and your beds made up. Maria and the kids only left last night, she was kind enough to set everything up for me.” Lina furrowed her brows in confusion as she took a step towards her best friend. “Wait, your not gonna stay with us? We can have drinks by the lake like we used to.” Lina’s hopeful look quickly faded to disappointment as Riley shook her head. “Sorry. I really wasnt kidding about all the work i have to do. Ill be in my room if anyone needs me!” And with that she disappeared through the kitchen and down the hall. Letting out a loud sigh, Lina turned to the boys. “Come on. Ill give you the tour.” 

3 Hours later and Riley was still locked away in her room. Angel was clearly restless. Everyone could see it on his face as they sat around the fire pit with drinks in hand. His beer had now gone warm and the label had been obsessively picked off. “If you want her that bad just go to her.” Ez grinned as Angel rolled his eyes. “Yeah, your brothers right. Shes not even eaten yet. She gets lost in her work you know.” Lina smiled at Angel trying to encourage him to pull her best friend out of work mode. “What is she even working on in there?” Coco questioned. Lina rolled her eyes shook her head. “You really never listen to me do you?” Coco grinned at his frustrated woman “I do. Just every time you move your perfect lips i think of something else.” Lina couldnt help but smile. Half lovely, Half pervy. Definitley a Coco comment. Turning to the others she couldnt wipe the smile from her face. “ So you know she’s a doctor? Well shes running her own private practice giving people free health care. Anyone who cant pay their medical bills she helps them. She sees other people too, the ones who can afford to pay do and the ones who struggle, she takes care of it. She’s finally got a meeting with the Mayor next week to petition the local council to give her funding to help the people of Santo Padre. She’s trying to show them that people dont have to die or struggle for their health. That there is a way to help them.” Angel’s chest filled with pride at his woman. She was so clever. So caring. “But she does too much and she doesnt know until too late.” Pride quickly moved to worry as Angel leaned forward in his chair. Lina didnt even have to wait for his question before she quickly started to explain. “She never says no. Like currently shes got this whole free health care thing going on. But shes also agreed to write 2 Articles for the medical journal, One about cardiology and another about her recent research into Fetal Substance Syndrome and the effects during and post pregnancy. Then on top of that she has her normal shifts at the hospital, alongside seeing her appointments for the private clinc and shes even trying to sign herself up for a rotation on the pediatric ward because she wants to learn as much as she can. And when you add everything on with Jake, i really dont understand how she hasnt had a mental break down yet.” Ez widened his eyes at the revelation. “Fuck, thats alot. I dont think i could even handle that and ive got a great memory.” Angel shook his head and shushed his brother. “Why doesnt her family help? She said the other night shes a fuck up. What bullshit. Shes amazing.” Lina sighed and took a swig of her beer. “Its not that simple with her family. Shes the oldest sister. They put so much pressure on her to be perfect you dont understand. We grew up together i watched it all. The diets her mom used to force her on. The comparing to her sister constant. Being told shes never good enough. She wanted to sing. Shes fucking brilliant. Her mom put her down every chance she got so she followed her dad into medicine. Dont get me wrong shes fucking great at what she does, but her voice. fuck she couldve gone far. She writes too. Never sings her own songs anymore tho. its a shame.” Lina shook her head. “No the only one she was close to was her dad and he died of Cancer years ago. Riley cared for him till the end. God, ive never seen her so broken. She was so ill. I was so glad he left her this cabin tho. She spent every summer and every christmas here. Maria, the lady she mentioned earlier, she was another nurse who helped her care for her dad. Known her for years. She lets her and family stay here whenever they want. She see’s it as a way to say thank you for all her help. They have a great relationship and are still close now. Dinners, Cook outs, she even goes to Maria’s kids birthdays. Maria and the kids are like her only family left.” Leaning back in his chair, Angel looked to Ez. It was quiet for a minute as everyone digested the information. “No.” Angel broke the silence. “She has us. She has club. Fuck Jake. She’s my girl. Him hurting her ends here.” Standing up, Angel made his way into the cabin and headed straight to Riley’s room.

Knocking on the door, Angel knew he had to take care of her. Fuck he loved her more than anything. And he knew how stupid it probably sounded as they’ve not even been together long at all. Well if you can call their arrangement together that is, but he would lie down in the goddamn road infront of a bus before he would let anyone or anything hurt this girl again. When no response came from inside Angel opened the door and couldnt help the smile that spread across his face. There she was, lay on the bed on her stomach, headphones on typing away. Textbooks and paper surrounded her. In that moment Angel couldnt help but stand there and admire her. She really was perfect. An oversized T-shirt barely fell to the tops of her thighs and her bright fluffy socks bunched around her ankles. The feeling of being watched made her panic and fling her headphones off sitting up. Relief washed over her instantly as she saw who it was. Smiling at him as she sat back on the bed, Riley gathered her papers up into a pile. “Sorry its a mess in here. Do you need something?” She asked as she moved from the bed to place her papers and books in a neat pile on her desk. Stepping further into the room, Angel wrapped his arms around her from behind gently. “I need you to take care of yourself. You haven’t came out of the room since we got here. Come eat?” Riley stayed quiet as her head fell back onto Angel’s shoulder. She didnt know how he did it but he calmed the noise in her head. Made her feel safe. Made her feel like she could finally take a propper breath. “I’m ok.” Angel placed a kiss on her neck. The view of the red marks making anger rise in his chest again. He’ll kill Jake when he gets his hands on him. Thats something he will promise. “You dont have to pretend with me.” He spoke quietly as he pressed a kiss to her neck again. “Don’t go back to him.” He kissed the shell of her ear as he almost begged her. “Please. I cant stand the thought of him hurting you again. You can stay with me. Ill protect you, baby.” Riley turned in his arms and lifted her head to look up at the man who wormed his way into her heart so quickly. She knew he would protect her, but her reluctance to agree came from her wanting to protect him. She knew what Jake was capable of and she would never let Angel get hurt because of her. But as she looked at him she knew she had no choice. 

She was going to have to tell him everything. It was the only way to protect him. 

[ysbnews]

Nuclear Power Plant Staff in Ukraine Preparing For Incident ‘Worse Then Chernobyl

🎬  BBC News  |  8/17/2022  |  ⏱️ 5’06”span / 320K views  

Staff at the Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant (ZNPP) in Ukraine are holding drills in case of an incident some feel could be worse than Chernobyl. 

The ZNPP site in southeastern Ukraine is home to Europe's biggest nuclear plant and has been occupied by Russian forces since early March. The site has been the target of shelling in recent weeks with both Ukrainian and Russian forces denying their involvement in the attacks. 

Comment By Thomas Parkin:  One of the disturbing things is that the men at the station may not even understand the danger of being there, from reports of their occupation of the Chernobyl site the regular soldiers had no idea of Chernobyl or what happened there.  Unsurprising if the Russians feeding poor and uneducated rural conscripts into this horrible war are true. 

Comment By About What:   @Limedick Andrew « Ask 10 Americans or Europeans on the street about Chernobyl and at least half will remember the basics (Soviet nuclear disaster) from hearing about it and at least one will be able to tell you a fair bit more about it (uneducated operators caused it, the forced evacuations, worldwide radiation and health concerns, the Sarcophagus, etc). Being able to point it out on a map is an entirely different issue. I went to a public high school and had several Science classes that discussed Chernobyl, Three Mile Island, and several early testing mishaps like the so-called Demon Core.

Owool:  While a Nuclear Reactor is actually one of the safest places on Earth, the MOMENT the highly trained staff and nuclear physicists onsite start to prepare, not plan, but prepare for something worse than the Chernobyl Accident is a cause for concern.  I dont think I am being overdramatic for this concern. 

Lalo:  When I see what's happening worldwide my heart and soul feels so heavy I don't have the words to describe the feeling. If you have loved ones, hold them tight. 

Melissa Gallinetti:  My father in law is a retired Nuclear engineer and he said that his biggest immediate fear is that they cut what is left of the power lines and the reactor chokes because it can't release energy. 

Atlantic Ocean:  This is truly terrifying if someone is stupid enough to attack or damage the reactor.

Niels kjær:  It's 10 times the size of Chernobyl.  Could be dangerous!  I was working outdoors on an Island between Poland and Sweden, when Chernobyl blew up in '86.  It was Sweden ringing the alarm bells.  No word from the USSR.

Mike Horn:  This absolutely baffles me 🤦🏻‍♂️. We are in the 21st century and should be working as a species, looking to the stars for opportunities. Instead, we squabble over long lost corners of old empires and risk the lives of over 1/2 the global population to fallout.  Seeing as we are already past seeing sense though...  I don’t care who’s shelling who. Any and all parties bringing nuclear threat (ballistic or otherwise) have no place in the future of our species. 

Mike Horn:  I believe an independent European task force needs to remove both Russian and Ukrainian forces from the vicinity regardless of what either side says.  “You might be scared of what the bully’s might do to you, but does that mean you let them continue?”.....if nuclear threat is on the table, then there is nothing more to loose. Remove them in fear of retaliation, or let them continue in fear of the consequence.

Watch BBC News on YouTube  ▶️  https://youtu.be/6xjyte7DBgU 

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

This is a bit random, but could you do some headcannons for Armin encouraging his S/O to finish their meals? I absolutely love food dont get me wrong, but sometimes I'll get super anxious about eating lunch or dinner for absolutely no reason. I feel like Armin would be the absolute best advocate for his S/O's health!

I don't usually skip turns in doing requests but this one seemed really important, so of course I'd love to do that💛

And hey don't worry, you don't have to feel like you owe me a explanation or a justification for why. I've been there, i know how hard it can get and how even your favourite food seems too much and there is a sour taste in your mouth.

Mental illness sucks man, but we have to cope with it in any way we can. And Armin would 100% help you with that! He'd love and care for you and your health so much!

Armin encouraging you to eat HC

{ Armin x reader | tw:eating problems tw: anxiety | comfort | modern }

{ "Still Life of Oranges" 1863 by Rafael Romero Barros 1832-1895 }

First thing first, Armin would never ever try to pressure you into finishing a meal or guilt trip you. He understands the struggle, he wouldn't try to lecture nor criticise you.

Yes he's concerned and worried, yes he got sad thinking about how your health will suffer. And yet he knows there is a much bigger reason behind it, that you're an adult with complex emotions and not a child being stubborn. He'd never force you nor blame it on you.

Instead he'll be understanding, paitent and supportive. He will make it clear that he's here for you, that he cares about you and he believes in you.

that he’ll be there in whatever way you need, whenever you’re ready. He'll listen without judgment if you're willing to talk about it.

He'd just gently express his concern over your health instead of trying to offer solutions or lecture you. He will remind you how much he loves you, how much he wants to help if you allow him.

Instead he'd just be there with you, have breakfast in bed, spend lunch time together, maybe go out for dinner. He'll eat with you and wait for you to finish your food while telling you a whole lot of interesting stories.

He knows it's not a simple as it seems, that saying "just eat" won't solve anything and it actually belittles the whole experience.

Armin wouldn't allow anyone to say that to you.

Maybe give you a bite or two of his own food, feeding it to you and giving you a small kiss after.

And if you can't finish your food still, don't worry! He reassures you that you don't have to finish it in one setting, you can just take the plate with you or save it for some time later and gradually finish it.

He'd reheat it for you each time, wanting you to have warm food with something to drink.

Armin would also suggest dividing it into small bite sized servings, just eat this tiny bite. It would be much easier and less overwhelming! Can you take another bite for him? Just one.

Does eating fruits seem too much? It's okay! He'll just put them in a blender and make a smoothie, much easier to finish.

Having built a routine to text you daily beforehand, he'd add reminding you to eat in that text! He'd even send a picture of his own food, doing the peace sign with his hand or maybe a shy half heart and asking you to do the same.

Turns eating outside into an adventure! He'll bring you to new restaurants so both of you could try new dishes together, some from different cultures and others from different countries. He'd even get Sasha's opinions on which dishes to try, you know she knows the best restaurants in the country.

And if you don't finish a dish at a restaurant, even a really expensive one. He wouldn't be bothered at all, he'd just ask the waiter if he can take it as take out so you both could snack on it later.

When the two of you go on walks, he'd pack some sandwiches for you to enjoy while watching the ducks swim in the lake at the park, or maybe while watching the sun go down into the sea at the beach.

Additionally, he always comes back with snacks whenever he goes outside. Bringing you your favourite candy bar and drink, maybe some chips and popcorn to watch a movie together.

Being decent enough at cooking, he'd try to learn how to make your favourite food, experimenting with the seasoning and ingredients. He'd make it for you whenever you're having a rough day and your brain just won't cooperate.

He really knows how it feels, he's been there.

When serving you what he made, he'll tell you that one of the ingredients is his love, with the sweetest smile you've seen.

Tries to keep things new, like making a special day of the week dedicated for something, maybe pizza, maybe tacos, maybe sushi or maybe whatever your heart desires.

Is something stressing you out so now you lost your appetite? Armin will sit with you and let you vent and talk about it till you feel better, he will hold your hand through it and comfort you after. When he's sure you're better he'd suggest grabbing a bite.

If you're dealing with anxiety, he'll share his own experience and can relate to you. He'll be so understanding and non judgemental because he knows just how hard it is.

Makes it a habit more than it already was to remind me how much he loves you, he adores you, all of you.

How much you brighten his day, how much he smiles just at the mention of your name, how many times a day he can't help but think about you.

To him the definition of beauty begins with your name, you're absolutely beautiful to the core and he believes it in his soul.

Armin is a pacifist but he will fight for his beliefs, and that's one of them.

{ Note: I just finished wirting this and I'm going to go get something to eat rn, so if you grab a bite while reading this then we would be eating together, and I'd love to eat with a friend💛 }

[glitxhwayventeen]

Lonely Together

Jihoon: Chapter 3 (Ain’t Easy)

Characters: Jihoon x female reader

Genre/Warnings: multi-member au (different scenarios), werewolf au, fantasy, angst, fluff, potential blood mentions, genocide mentions, health issues, panic/anxiety attack. Any others will be put as warnings when future chapters are thought up/written.

Author’s Note: Sorry for how short this is. The vaccine’s really killing my body. My head his pounding from how bad my headache is so I only managed to finish the one chapter. Let’s hope tomorrow is better 🤞🏼

Please remember that all of these chapters and the content within them are a work of fiction! They’re just for fun/entertainment!

Bold= Dialogue Italics= Thoughts

🥀 & ☁️

Lonely Together Master List

Chapter 3: Ain’t Easy

You stirred awake, having been knocked out from your little outburst for almost a solid day apparently. You realized that you were now laying in Jihoon’s bed, it smelt like him. You could also see the sun beams make their way across the walls. Your apparent mate was sitting in a chair next to you, holding your small hand inside his. You fluttered your eyelids open completely, widening them hesitantly for the day.

“Oh good. You’re awake. I was getting really worried” He sighed, running his free hand through his hair and rubbing his thumb over the back of your hand fondly with the other.

“What- what happened?” You groggily asked, voice hoarse from the lack of use.

You sat up to sit upright and rubbed your eyes to awaken yourself more. You could tell you were in his room. You could smell him all over, that sweet honey smell was intoxicating to you. You could never get enough of it. You could also see you were in a bigger shirt still, though this one was different than the one you were wearing when you were awake before. It had 3/4 sleeves and was a soft cotton feeling that made you want to cuddle into your blankets and pillows to sleep again.

“Well after… everything, you go a little too overwhelmed and passed out.” Jihoon informed you, quickly pushing himself to sit on the bed next to you and rubbed your back sweetly.

You could also tell that you had been changed into a pair of sweatshorts, which you were grateful for. And given the conversation you had before you had probably passed out, there was a fairly good chance either Jihoon changed you or one of the other mates did. Though you highly doubted that Jihoon would let ANYONE else touch your naked body as your mate.

If he had known more about your love life and who you were attracted to, he may have been a little more open to someone other than him changing you. But for all he knew you were attracted to everyone in his pack. So he wasn’t about to risk it. He was a very private person and he figured from what he knew about you, you were too. Not that any of that even really mattered at this point, there was just as good a chance he would’ve refused to let anyone else touch you even if he had known about your sexuality. He could already feel his territorial wolf instincts for you getting stronger. And the more time he spent around you, the worse it got.

“Oh…” you trailed, still trying to come to terms with being suddenly so conscious after having been dreaming for such a long time.

“Does stuff like that happen often to you?” He questioned you, giving you a warm concerned smile.

He couldn’t lie, seeing you passed out made him beyond terrified. He had just confessed to you that he was your mate and then you blacked out. He was worried you’d reject him. But he was just as worried for your own health. You were small, even smaller than him, and you seemed really tired and weak all the time. What if this was something that happened to you a lot? What if he couldn’t help you get better? He didn’t like the idea of you being sick. He didn’t like the thought of having to see you unconscious from fainting. He didn’t like it at all.

“It used to happen a lot when I was younger, and only when I got scared or nervous. My tribe’s healer used to say that I was… missing part of me? Like part of my soul had been missing? Or something like that? I dont know, I don’t really remember. It was a long time ago. The passing out hasn’t happened much since I’ve been on my own though.” You told him, your head abruptly pounding at the mere mention of your health issues causing you to wince in slight pain.

“Are you okay?” Jihoon cautiously putting the back of his hand to your head, eyes full of panic.

“Y-Yeah. I’m fine. How- how long was I out?” You wondered aloud, turning your eyes to him to get a better look at him.

Truth be told, you were out for a while. Jihoon hadn’t left your bed for nearly three days now. And when he had to for bathroom or showering purposes, he had some of the mates sit with you until he could rush back. He was worried sick about you, Seungcheol had to have Soonyoung practically force feed him so he would eat. He could help it though, he knew that had it been any of his brothers with their mates, they’d have done the same thing. When your mate was sad or sick, you didn’t care about taking care of yourself. You only cared about them and their well being. It was just their natural instinct.

He hesitated for a minute before he spoke, trying his best to come up with words that might sooth you rather than worry you, “Well.. let’s just say You’ve missed a few meals…”

“How many’s a few?” You pushed him to give you a less vague answer.

“Wellllll… we just got done with lunch… so Nine in total give or take” Jihoon earnestly let out, bringing his hand to play with the small locks of your hair.

Upon hearing his answer, you nearly jumped out of the bed nearly three feet in the air. But thankfully, your mate had stopped you from moving your limbs so quickly. He didn’t want you to end up collapsing from the lack of muscle use you’ve had the past few days.

“Nine! Jesus why didn’t anyone try and get me up that’s like three whole days!?!” You almost started to hyperventilate again. Your sight was beginning to turn fuzzy. You felt your heartbeat fasten in your throat. Your mind was buzzing in thought, you couldn’t stop it.

The water on the bedside table started to shake and pull out of the glass while your state worsened. Jihoon quickly picked up on what was happening with you and grabbed you by your face gently to get you to focus on him. He didn’t want you to pass out again, but he also didn’t want you using your powers accidentally from the shock of the whole situation.

“Just breathe (Y/N) you’re gonna pass out again…” he rested his forehead on yours and continued to try and ease your heart rate and calm your anxiety.

“One in… Two out… Three in… Four out… Five in…. That’s it… Just like that.” He cooed at you, rubbing your temples lovingly before sitting you back up straight.

Your breathing finally evened out enough for your vision to return to normal. Once you felt your chest start to slow down, your brain started to cease in thought.

“You sure that doesn’t usually happen?” He joked, still clearly concerned and half serious about your current state.

You shook your head slowly from side to side in response. You were grateful he was there to comfort you, but you still had so many questions running through your head. Your thoughts were going a mile a minute again and you didn’t know what to tackle first or what was most pressing.

“…Jihoon?” You hesitantly spoke to grab his attention. He already loved the way you said his name, it was like listening to a symphony in his head and he couldn’t get enough of it.

“Yes (Y/N)?” He responded while holding your small hand in his larger one, enjoying the way it fit in his perfectly. He looked at you with eyes of such love and adoration that you began to feel nervous.

“What are we gonna do?” You looked away from the dazzling man in front of you to instead down at the both of your hands that were laying in your lap. You began to fidget with the tips of his fingers to distract yourself so you could get the burn in your cheeks to die down.

“I- I don’t know. I never thought I’d get a mate, let alone have one show up bleeding at my doorstep. But now you’re… here…” he thought aloud, confusion masking his face the entire time.

He was glad he had found you, but he definitely never even once considered that the universe would bring you to him. He never thought of himself as someone’s boyfriend let alone someone’s mate. He wasn’t sure he would be very good at it, but he knew with you there he had to try. He just needed to figure out how to be one…

You took a moment to think. He was clearly just as lost as you were. But you knew what your heart felt for him, and you knew that being mates meant one of two things.

“Well… do you even want a mate Jihoon? From what everyone says, you don’t like being close to people. And I know I work better alone. So what do you want to do?” You anxiously awaited his response.

You could practically see the gears in his head turning. On one hand, he liked being independent and preferred his solitude. But on the other hand, he knew he would already die for you if he had to choose between himself or you. So, logically, that only left him with one alternative.

“I want us to be together (Y/N). I know it’ll be… a challenge, but I also know that as long as I have you, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it work.” He finally answered, bringing his hands to cup your cheeks that were still semi-swollen from your long rest.

Tears began to form in your tired eyes, “But… how do you know it’ll all work out? What if we can’t figure out how to cohabitate. We’re both so single alone, what if we can’t be a couple?” You whimpered, eyes full of fear as you looked into his caring ones.

“I won’t lie, it ain’t gonna be easy. But together, we’ll be okay.” He assured you, moving his gaze down to your lips.

He looked back at your face, silently asking for permission. You gave him a small smile and nodded, giving him the go ahead. With that, he leaned down to press his pillowy lips to your relatively chapped ones.

He moved softly, careful not to move too fast or too far so you would stay comfortable the entire time. Kissing him felt like you could actually walk on water if you tried. He made all your worries melt away with such a simple action. It made your heart flutter in a way it never had before.

He soon pulled away from you and leaned his forehead against yours, pecking the top of your button nose gently before a large smile formed on his perfect mouth.

“I suppose you could be right…” you trailed, teasing the small wolf slightly before breaking out in small fits of giggles while you tried to hold yourself back.

“You’re gonna have to get used to that you know.” He chuckled while caressing your jawline and gazing at you like you were a piece of artwork.

“Get used to what? Kissing?” You blushed at the thought, nuzzling your face into his warm hand to hide it.

“No- Me being right.” He declared, pushing his chest out with pride causing you to really burst out in full on laughter.

You could already feel the difficult times ahead of you both, but you also knew you would do whatever it took to stay with him. He made everything around you feel safe and at home. He’s all you ever needed.

(Updated 9/6)