#i dont trust her but i am her but i cant help it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

girlypsyop · 1 year

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Giving urself a speech trying to convince yourself that you'll love & take care of yrself is so hard to do when u spent 2 years in a relationship w sb who constantly gave u that same fucking speech and then never followed thru 😊

#like truly i hear myself say to myself 'i will always take care of you'#'you are incredible and beautiful and ill do whatever it takes to makeyou happy'#amd immediately rolling my eyes like suuure ive heard that one before #loving myself used to be so so easy now its like pulling teeth #i dont trust her but i am her but i cant help it #its just an uncontrollable automatic response to words like thise #theyve been so empty for so long what makes me think i will ever make them full again #shes used to empty promises but i wont let her down i cant #bc again. i am her. i cannot let her down she got me out of that situation #i will make things safe and beautiful for her i will give promises meaning again #ok mentally ill moment over sorru #sometimes i just treat myself like another person #a degree of separation makes it easier to be kind #mirror lana is jyst a girlie in this world.... she is funny and cool amd smart and so fucking brave #she got me out she got me out ok i wont let her down

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fearyandear · 1 year

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*sobbing* I don't care what happens with Mahiru's next trial music video, I'm voting her innocent!!!

#mahiru milgram #milgram mahiru #milgram #milgram trial 2 #I DONT WANT HER TO DIE #i am always back and forth with her cuz i keep belittling her crime but no like yeah that shit was bad and unhealthy #I CANT HELP THAT I LIKE HER and that i think it's bullshit that kazui was voted innocent #I know ive been wrong before in my theories but imagine if it turns out he thinks women are disposable now and thats why he #didnt help mahiru #and why his next song is Cat #i think him 'loving the memory of his wife' and his sad act is a cover :/ dont trust it #anyways #free mahiru and get her help please #fear me

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angelstrawbabie420 · 22 days

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crazy how i have no one

#like yes i have my internet friends and i adore them ofc #but i have no fucking one irl #and i mean no one. my mom’s side of the family is all dead and the other side is uber christian and doesnt give a fuck about us #i only have my brother #and i need help and support so horribly bad but i wasnt there for him when he needed me #so why the hell should he be there for me. he shouldnt #im going to have to rely on myself this time and i cant do that #i dont trust or believe in myself whatsoever #i think im fucking horrible and useless and repulsive #and idk how to be nice to myself bc ive never felt that and i dont know how to self soothe #i dont have the energy physically or mentally or emotionally to learn #and idk what to lean on anymore if i want to quit abusing substances #realized recently how much i do that.#and for how long. a decade. ive been acting like a 13 yo this whole time #idk how to move past and grow up. god i absolutely need to see my therapist again. if she’ll have me #i fear ill be rejected tho ive left and came back several times and last time she said ‘ofc ill take you back youre my person’#whatever that means. ive been an anomaly to every therapist/psych ive been to apparently they all mention how weird i am and how they cant #figure me out. like damn me too doc!#i want to email her so bad but i wont be able to see her until my insurance goes thru and i dont want to get free labor out of her if i dump #all the trauma ive sustained since i last saw her on her yw #but i want to get better i dont want to live like this anymore i cant do it #any of it #my coping mechanisms are all self destructive and i want to grow past that #but i need help and i dont have it. not really #whatever i guess. first step call and see wtfs going on w my insurance #i feel like i need help even for that . i feel so utterly incapable of everything snd i always have #i can do it. i can do it

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mariemariemaria · 2 months

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i feel kinda crazy bc whenever i was a teenager i created this sorta imaginary older big sister who had moved out of the house so in my head i could live w her whenever i wanted bc she had survived it all and was independent and she would also just comfort me in a big sisterly way whenever something bad or upsetting happened and recently ive been going back to that at my big age 😭 and its kinda sad and also just wish fulfillment and also kinda scary bc i really used to think that by my age i'd have everything sorted but i really don't and i know that's normal and nobodies twenties are perfect but some people also have good relationships w their fathers which is crazy just to think about sooo

#is this readable? i hope not ❤️#i typed up some of my feelings about this in a word doc and just realised like damn i basically have an imaginary friend as an adult #i really am crazy lol #i just feel lonely within my family atm. bc my brother is younger than me so he could never really do anything to help #and i feel like i cant really trust my mam the same anymore..even tho i still love her a lot #and i'm trying to improve my relationship w my dad bc im realising what a hard life he had and that he's not like an irredeemable Bad Perso #and sometimes he'll look at me a certain way or apologise for something small that he would never have apologised for a couple of years ago #and i feel like im going crazy like is he becoming a better person or..? and i feel bad bc im not really doing the same #or maybe i am. sometimes i think im unfair to him considering how he is now but i also cant really reconcile what he is now w/ how he #was then. and then he'll suddenly say something to me in a certain tone of voice or with a certain sharpness and i'll go back to how a felt #as a teenager :/ i rlly dont know what to do about it but i think its because i dont really have anyone to talk to about it #i mean i sort of do. but i also dont actually know how much of it actually happened and how much of it i just made up #but having worked w teenagers yeah they can be little shits but i also cant imagine treating any of them the way my dad treated me #just bc theyre annoying or have an attitude or are a little mean or whatever #like theres actually a lot of ppl i could talk to but also how do you even bring something like this up #how do i say 'oh and i invented an older sister as a coping mechanism and sometimes i still talk to her in my head' without sounding crazy #its 2am here i need to go to bed i have work in the morning 😭 day and night and next day ruined bc my dad spoke to me slightly funny

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orcelito · 2 months

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Having a Saturday like "most people I've dated have only really liked me for my body and/or a fake personality I've presented, so when they know the true me it's not enough to keep them around. Anyways let's have some ramen for my 2 pm breakfast."

#speculation nation #negative/#mayhaps. i am not feeling too great this morning.#this came from me thinkin about my recent ex again and how she said she never actually loved me #(im sick of thinking about it. but i think im gonna be thinking about that for a long long time.)#but i thought about how excited she'd get about my looks n body and i just thought to myself like #'maybe she didnt love me but at least That couldnt have been faked.'#n then i just paused like '...Geeze.' at how depressing a thought it was lmfao #like sorry my personality is ass and my hot bod's the only good thing about me (relationship-wise)#xoxoxo cant help bein a hot mess i guess !#... i dont know if she even realizes the blow she dealt to me by saying that.#i Told her i had trust issues and felt unlovable. i Told her this.#and yet she tells me that she never actually loved me and every time she said it was a 'mistake'. a MISTAKE.#she didnt need to say that. she literally didnt need to say that. even if it was true there are just some things that dont need said.#in the end. she's not the first person who's dealt this kind of blow to me. and she might not be the last.#i'll keep going. i'll keep trying. i know im not actually unlovable. there's gotta be Someone who likes me for more than just my body #who is also a good fit for me. they Gotta exist out there. somewhere.#and for now. i continue on with full confidence in my attractiveness but Zero confidence in my personality.#might try a nice n slow romance next. make them actually work for it b4 they get to sleep with me.#make it a reward or smth. or rather. make sure theyre not here for Just that lol.#sure would be nice if i had someone interested in me for more than just my body. we'll see if i can find that lol.

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juniestar · 3 months

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Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE

#LANA i know his sister works for you BUT TRUST MY WORD AND GIVE ME A FREE TICKET PLEASE…#MY FIRST TIME SEEING YOU WAS RUINED GIRL… she was so good too like i was saving her songs to spotify that night #im reliving all this because i found out a lot of his exes and ex friends hang out together and two of them invited me so it was me an ex an #d an ex friend just swapping stories and first of all. he said he got cheated on by this girl and she NEVER DID IT (HE would have emotional/#angry outbursts at HER though) (allegedly he’s acknowledged to her that the cheating never happened too) and 2. this is obviously making me #mentally rehash everything again. i feel so bad for his current girlfriend and also for the person i ‘’stole’’ him from though i really hesi #tate to blame myself after hearing about his patterns. first of all he wouldve done this with anyone who was vulnerable around him and secon #d i was the only reason he was at all honest with them. he was fully planning to gaslight this ex and me and his dad had to convince him not #to. they look like theyre happy now and im very happy for them over that. oh my god that man was evil he told me for WEEKS about every time #his then partner had talked shit about me while i made clear that i didnt care and wasnt very interested but he kept going. god i cant belie #ve this was my life a year ago.#the one thing i can say is that i out freaked him because throughout our short relationship i made him so insecure that a week after i told #to never speak to me again he called me asking if he really was ugly.#I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAD TO TEND TO A GROWN MAN WHILE LANA DEL REY WAS RIGHT THERE BECAUSE HE WAS SO OPPOSED TO BEING AROUND HER. LANAAAA #times like these i get so mad i dont know what to do but ultimately remembering that he has not achieved any of his goals because he refuses #to face himself really helps me. god man IVE achieved some of his goals and i wasnt even trying to #a really awful part of all of this was all of the friends who knew him taking his side. because they didnt know him well enough to know what #he was actually like.#i was talking to my ex friend of four years and she was like not to blame you but he was probably really vulnerable from his time with [ex p #rior to me]’’ because he’s been going around alleging that that ex was abusive. and she was implying i took advantage of him. so i had to go #into detail about what an awful awful person he was and the sort of state i was in when this relationship took place. hannah lee you are #not seeing your little jehovah’s witness heaven.#anyways redirecting this energy im very happy with the way my life is and the way i am now. and im grateful for it i would not have ever bee #n able to imagine having the sort of peace and motivation i feel now. life feels like it can and will change for the better and it keeps pro #ving that right all the time #it just hurts sometimes having that as my first experience and not even being able to vocalize what was wrong bc i just didnt know hurts #oh i forgot one of his besties can see my account bc we’re sort of mutuals. i doubt he’s looking he did the whole unfollowing the ex bc she’#s allegedly amoral thing after the breakup but if he is hi isaac #he did on rare occasion show me selfless kindness but ultimately your best friend is a creep. i don’t want to be involved with anyone from #our school but I hope you know this and I hope you’re proud

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arckhaic · 1 year

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the dreams that feel real ( like ur in ur bed sleeping and get 'woken up' in the dream and ur like huh ) do a number on me bc i have to spend the next several hours convincing myself i'm both real and awake

#usually eating smth helps w grounding #but the dpdr is like idk .... u cant trust anything #bc i kept trying to wake myself up in the dream ( which i normally cant tell like i dont have lucid dreams )#and kept failing #kept trying to make myself twitch or move or smth and that didn't help i wasnt waking up #so my brain is like 'no ... we're sleeping .... we're STILL sleeping ' even tho i am awake ....#i think #at least it was a nice dream except for the freaking out that i couldn't wake up but my cat came to visit #which was nice bc i've been missing her

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themyscirah · 6 months

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Started thinking about the Amanda Waller + Ben Turner relationship again.... fuck, I'm gonna need a minute

#I JUST- SHDIAUDJSHDSHEYEYRYRYRY guys. guys #i know none of you see my vision and thats okay. i will make you see my vision. i will force you to see my vision. i will-#like jesus fucking christ oh my god. its so interesting and gives me so many emotions and just!!!#i know im not making sense bc none of my moots are sui sq fans and also like half of the content fucking me up specifically here is in my #head because i cant stop thinking about my absolute power fix it au but like!!!!!!!#also the fact i have a fix it for a comic that isnt out yet is so funny to me. its literally fucking real though. god knows we need it #may my own content carry me through the dark times (extreme villain waller arc)#anyways this fucks me up so bad you dont even know. someday ill actually explain it #dc hire me to write a suicide squad ongoing PLEASE. i could do it so good it would be so fucking good dc PLEASE 😭😭😭😭😭😭#also like this isnt me shipping them btw. like 110% not that. just to clarify.#i wouldnt even call it a friendship bc like. theyre not friends really. he has the most equal dynamic with her i would say but it still isnt #equal. shes v much his boss even though they have an understanding and respect there #like she believes and trusts in him much more than anybody really even himself. like she sees the good man and the leader even when he #doesnt. but she isnt nice about it. and there is a lot of conflict between them when there needs to be #like as much as ben is “wallers man”--the team leader she wanted from the beginning before rick flagg pushed his way in #ben i would say is still a very moral person even when lost and unsure of himself and his goodness (which is like one of his main things)#like i feel like while amanda can lean very into a “the ends justify the means” mindset in her worse moments and do bad things to get #herself out of a corner ben has like a deep and meaningful understanding of how the choices of your methods and how you act can weigh on you #like even though he was brainwashed and whatnot (thats still the story right? i cant remember) he holds a lot of guilt and baggage over his #actions and i think is able to temper amanda's worse tendencies in terms of that by calling her out when he recognizes that behavior #idk. i just really think that amanda waller and the suicide squad as a whole has lost its way without a more moral authority presence there.#like someone who can call her out and keep them more on track. which i really thing ben is and could be #i just very much am interested in their dynamic and how that would look like as equals and how i think they could help each other.#which ofc is what my wip is about and revolves around #blah #sui sq

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bunnihearted · 1 year

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actually i hate my sisters so much for making me feel like im not allowed to exist in my own home

#if they wanna play that game; i was born first. by their logic i have more right to our mom than they do #this was my home first. i was here first. i havemore right to be here than them #but for real; my mom is the only one who can decide if i can live here or not #my sisters dont have any right to freezeme out and tell me i shouldnt live here anymore #only my mom can kick me out or have opinions on that #imjust very hurt by my mom and that she doesnt say anything #and when i try to to talk abt how i feel she just always tells me that they have feelings too and that it isnt all abt me???#well im the one being iced out by my own family and spend all my days isolated in my room but yeah i guess im the bad one #maybe i am a bad person i can honestly not trust myself. why else would everyone treat me like this lik #lol*** damn fkn makes me so mad that i cant type on anything without typos #anyway.... i fucking hate my sisters so much and my mom being cold abt it makes me so sad #when i tell her that im so lonely i feel like i could die and that i need interaction #she just tells me that i need to get outside more #anyway i dont fucking know what im supposed to do #i am stuck and i have never gotten any help from theme talhealth care system either so #wtf am i supposed to do all alone in this!?!?!#wish i was fkn normal

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nerice · 2 years

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me: yeah im ok with having slashed the faye/raiu content in the main book also me: trying to keep normal brain function while rewatching the mkm/dnj mind control snail feed scene for the 500th time in the op

#im gonna............... IM GONNA #faye is so good at manipulating children maybe she SHOULD get to do that two books in a row i dont care #god it is. IT IS SO.#I HAVE THINGS TO SAY THAT I CANNOT SAY #BUT IT IS ****SO******#shadowblogging #like genuinely that cute little subplot of raiu being too trusting of well meaning adults ('well-meaning') bc all he knows is sky...#it is absolutely not the same situation as belles bc belle knows faye is a dangerous player she just thinks she can handle her (she cant)#raiu just thinks hey im glad i met this helpful person :)#gbghhb i also had a brainwormed subplot for a sec once where faye joins them btwn resilience+forest arc #but genuinely needing to constellate a grp scene that involves faye/cait/avery like ok just give me the gun ill do it myself #im not solving this problem now i am infact trudging thru todays thesis work rn i shouldnt even be here #BUT BRAIN WORMED. .........................

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dungeonmeshimybeloved · 1 month

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Low key I wanna make a Playlist for chilchuck and his wife bc even tho I don't ship it myself and I see them separating, they have so much potential

Speaking of I should probably rename her instead of using jaylark bc idk who originally made that name but gdi I love that name sm

In their enstrangment era

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When they were still childhood friends

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#chilchucks wife #playlist #this is just for me #bc i do sometimes think of them and the implications #i love ciderjacks interpretation of chilchuck constantly coming home on the verge of death and her being sick of it and leaving #i also enjoy the neglect angle bc boy howdy do i relate to the feeling of neglect #but ive been having thoughts after reading posts about half foot women being encouraged to marry to support their families #and if they dont its considered worse than other races #and the thought of Chilchuck meeting thjs playful half foot girl before shes hit with the pressures to perform and conform to expectations #thinking of chilchuck helping her out of that mindset #promising a better future for her where she doesnt have to wear a mask #but when he wears his mask #she starts wearing hers again #and things become strained and tense because chil cant help but be secretive and protective snd thus forcing his own expectation on her #so she leaves #she can handle herself #shes stronger than she looks and she says chil is the one to thank for that - hes the one who encouraged her to be herself #and not follow the whims of her family #idk theyre just barebone thouvhts #but i feel their friendship is stronger and healthier for them instead of marriage #because marriage comes with external expectations and norms #but marriage protects them both in a sense #keeps them away from scrutiny #theh could trust eachother #but maybe if they approached it as best friends who just so happen to live together and they both lived independently #instead of husband and wife #idk #no one listen to me #i font know a lot about marriage i just know that I grew up with divorced parents who hated eachother so i am PROJECTING my complicated #feelings of marriage and relationships onto them

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fardf150 · 3 months

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fuck

#like idk i never realized just how bad she hurt me. i didnt even rly realize she hurt me at all #bc there are so so so many ways she sldve reacted so much worse. but like i never thought someone cld just straight up ignore it.#like i get the way i told her was dumb and confusing. ok. i can understand that. whatever #but idk. she said she wished my sister had told her years earlier so that she cldve helped her back then #but then suddenly it's different when it's me. suddenly it's 'but youve always been my little girl' and 'oh i dont know that sounds dangerou #s' and 'are you sure?' and 'how long have you felt like this'#well it's been almost 5 fucking years now and it hasnt changed. i havent changed. fuck #i trusted her. i trusted her to be there for me and to support me and to accept me and she threw it back in my face and never even blinked #i can never ever trust her again and she doesnt care. she doesnt even know bc shes so wrapped up in all the fucking lies she tells herself #fuck. she did everything wrong. fuck. i can never fully trust anyone with this part of me again bc of her #and it's awful bc it's such an important part of me. it brings me so much joy and i think on it often and i love myself for it #but it's just simmering in my chest and every time i think of letting it hit air again i freeze bc i thought it was safe once and it WASNT.#i wanted to get my name changed before high school. i wanted to start the medical process. i wanted all the thing i thought shed do for me.#my wants and my understanding of my identity has changed now but it still hurts.#it hurts so bad to see other ppl my age get all of that and to have the support of their family and to not be afraid to put a name to it all #im happy for them. but it's so awful hearing her point those ppl out w no self awareness like oh thats so good for them isnt that sweet #I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU COULD BE DOING ALL OF THAT! I NEEDED YOU TO BE THAT FOR ME!#and every time she does acknowledge it she gets it completely wrong or it's just to bemoan how little she understands #'oh everyones changing their name now its so confusing' 'im really trying i dont know what else you want from me' NO YOURE NOT! YOURE NOT!#YOUVE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TRY. NOT FOR ME.#you never fucking loved me you loved the idea of what you thought i would be and you cant fucking let it go even when the truth is staring #you dead in the face. fuck. you complain about how i 'hate you' or 'think youre stupid' well maybw treat me with an ounce of respect and act #like you understand the things youve EXPLICITLY BEEN TOLD. even a little.#but honestly it's too late. if she were to suddenly have a change of heart now i wouldnt give a damn.#the damage is done you dont get to have this part of me and act like youre such a good and supportive mother.#i cant even say i hate her. i love her but shes hurt me more than anyone else ever has and i can never trust her to actually love me or even #fucking see me or support anything about me that actually matters to me #i dont know. i dont know. thinking about it again.#ive thought abt telling my dad. not bc it wld do any good but bc ik he values honesty and maybe hed throw me a 'damn that sucks'#my sister said this is something i have to fight on but she doesnt get it. i have no ground to stand on as far as shes concerned

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orcelito · 2 months

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God I don't wanna go to therapy tomorrow. Sick of talking about my feelings in a clinical setting. I do enough psychoanalysis just by myself, and now I gotta sit through it with someone else??? Come on.

#speculation nation #i say as if i didnt submit myself to this and am not willingly paying for this to continue #idfk man ive always hated therapy. just kinda kept it going bcus i was so messed up about the whole grief shit #and i guess it's been maybe helpful. i dont know.#SHOULD i mention this tomorrow? i already know it's ass and entirely undeserved #if i did it'd mostly be another source to complain about it. theres really nothing anyone can say to make it better #bc it's bullshit and it already happened. and i already have the objective proof of yet another person losing interest in me.#... i dont know. i feel like it's inevitably going to come up. it's already taken up so much of my thoughts.#my every dream last night stemmed from it all. it was such a fitful night of sleep.#i can only pray that i dont dream about it tonight too. i want a fucking break from it all.#i hope she loses sleep from guilt. i hope she hurts every time she remembers what she did to me.#i hope she comes around tomorrow so she can see the face she kissed and she lied about loving #so she can remember im a person with feelings too. a person who opened up to her. a person who trusted her.#............ okay maybe i should talk about my blatantly vicious retaliatory remarks with my therapist.#i tried to reign it in but Bitch Mode definitely came out earlier today. when it was fresh. and i just wanted to make her Hurt.#i still want that honestly. i want her to truly regret doing this. to be filled with so much guilt for how she chose to do it.#i cant change her feelings. no matter how much i might want to. but i sure as hell can make her regret it.#i feel like im allowed a bit of petty bitchiness after this bullshit. but i also dont like the person i become like this.#anger issues. perhaps i should talk about my anger issues with my therapist.#easier than just rehashing the whole breakup. though i'll probably have to do that some too.#but better to have a goal for it. a direction to focus on. so that it's not just me complaining.#... it still wont be fun. and my ex mentioned coming round an hour after my therapy ends for dropping the shit off.#so Assuming she actually shows up (still not convinced she will after she flaked on me twice)#it's gonna be therapy and then seeing her right after. god it's gonna suck.#i'll try to do some homework maybe. and then maybe see if anyone wants to hang out later tomorrow.#my friends r the real ones. hanging out with me for 7 hours... they traded off between them but still #for 7 hours i was not alone. and that was very nice of them to do.#good things. positives! focusing on the positives. i am a healthy person with a healthy outlook on life. smiles.

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celestialmancer · 4 months

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⛈️ //

#tag vent bullshit would highly recommend just scrolling past this if vent bs aint your thing #so run along now for those who would rather avoid. im just tossing in tags bc its easier on me.#anyway… just… …#this stress is really eating me alive & im so tired #ive been crying on & off since yesterday esp w my health taking a swan dive to hell amidst this #but i have to just. deal with.#crying when alone specifically like fuck am i gonna show a damn thing to anyone. fuck no ❤️#esp when it feels like my emotions im feeling are me somehow being manipulative.#because i dont have a right to any of this right. its just a pity party im throwinf for myself.#& yet all these feelings emotions everything i havent processed continue to fester & bubble up to the surface in pure vitriol.#pure hatred & anger bc of it coming from a place of hurt but what does that matter. right? …im just.#i feel manipulative expressing anything. i feel manipulative having feelings. i need to remove them at once. i need them gone at once.#i feel manipulative even so much as talking about situations that hurt me. bc i ‘shoulsnt feel this way’#all this shit to me feels like it just reads as ‘woe is me’ bullshit i hate it so much.#im tired. i dont know. im in distress & emotionally really falling apart but just.#it almost feels more comforting to just let myself bleed out on myself metaphorically speaking than to dare task anyone via asking them #to help me w my own metaphorical wounds. bc then im shoving a burden onto them. & I’m not supposed to do that.#so much for being a pillar of stability for others LMFAOOO. whatever. whatever.#faulty ass pillar that’s just falling apart from being built on an unstable foundation #im tired im tired of hurting both emotionally & physically due to flare ups from the sheer stress as well #& crying feels fucking humiliating & like im just begging for pity.#i shouldnt be fucking crying. i shouldn’t. im supposed to be fine. i say. & at first i was fucking able to fucking.#dissociate & let quinn join me too so i could be fully coldly detached. from it. but thats not happening bc i cant control when she joins #joins front w me. & i almost wish she could take front fully. take front from me fully for as long as this situation keeps going.#even if that means i end up in solitude & w barely much recollection of what may transpire. at least when she’s upfront? i dont have to be.#solitude bc she doesnt like talking to anyone even my own trusted friends.#unless its somehow fucjing necessary but at least w her upfront i just. i dont. have to feel. i can disconnect & forget everything.#i just want to stop fucking falling apart & i have so many unprocessed emotions over this all that feel unacceptable to talk abt STILL.#im that fucking convinced any neg emotion i show is wrong somehow & while ive gotten better w this im still. not. idk. just. w/e. ifg.

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helianthologies · 5 months

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i really really do feel like im gonna die in the next ten years or so and im gonna be alone and miserable the whole time bc ive wasted my whole life and i cant do anything that i want to do so like. Do you see why i might want to kill myself.

#like im unemployable. i cant drive. im stuck living w my brother whos inevitably gonna give me covid so many times #that i wont be able to leave my bed even if i WANT to #i cant go to college or make irl friends or date bc covid #i dont know how to keep friends online either bc ive got apparently unresolved trauma and am unable to talk to ppl now #i cant even take care of myself! my mom has to help me do everything and she doesnt take care of her own health #so shes probably only gonna last another decade and idk what happens to me when shes gone but i know its not good #my brother cant and wont take care of me and i dont trust him to anyways for obvious reasons #i just dont want to be here for another decade of the same miserable routine of loneliness when i could just Be Done #bectxt #op #txt

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bingobongobonko · 7 months

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cannot trust my own thoughts after 9 pm that is the rule, so im gonna shut that shit off. im talkin too much today, too much on the mind tho so makes sense. Man. idk man. again, dont trust your thoughts at night but also. Man. i feel like a disappointment in every regard. i think of all the immigrant kid stories and i feel like i pale. idea that you gotta work hard in school and get a good job to give to your family, i see it a lot and its really cool. i thought i could do it too, but i kinda failed big. i mean i try to provide, i do, but it feels like nothing. these like. super cool smart people with a big future, and then im here just like. drawing. yk. and im not even like studio worthy art, im just some guy who dicks around. ykwim. shrug. i should try harder to livebut also sometimes i wonder why we even came to this stupid fucking country. i guess the promise of a future. not an excuse to not do better idk, im just cynical rn. idk. what future. idk. idk

#fool's monologue #mad and bitter. its not in vain. ig im just frustrated with what ive done so far #which is nothing #again this is the most cynical view of it. look. my mom gave up alot for me and i am giving up a lot for her and we are giving to each oth #r a lot nowadays #even if i feel like a disappointment my mom doesnt make me feel like that anymore. we just do. we just do with what we got and thats ok #but i cant help but feel guilty of a future i robbed her of #my life is a panicked frenzy and i am just grabbing whatever pieces i can to make SOMETHING #anyway dont trust ur life after 3 am. im going to bed. i dont care. im doing my best. fuck it #im just sad lol. i want to feel proud of myself and what i do. i want to like myself #i will stop being so negeative... gn.... do not trust yourself after 3 am..#also afterthought but #if succeeding in this country means betraying my folks then. eh.fuck mayve i dont wanna be successful.#like i dont even want this place to exist as it is currently. now why am i. in my right mind wanting to be succesful in a country as sordid #and imperialistic and genocidial as this #make it make sense brayan #snap out of it #tbh better train of thot #instead of wanting to leave i shuld be wanting to change this place for the better where it can #see thags more positive way of loooking at it

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