#i dont want to feel like im wasting my last year of uni but i already cant wait to move out. and i havent even moved in yet

[cruelsister-moved2]

my goodreads hi ignore that its insane its an old account but i only started using it again in november</3 

[killjoygem]

I try so hard to get excited about where I'm moving to next academic year but I gotta be honest it's a serious downgrade from where we live currently and it's actually gonna more expensive

I feel like I was pressured into taking it instead of looking for longer just because my roommate's parents were on her back

[nintendont2502]

I am. So goddamn stressed

[mihai-florescu]

sorry if this is weird but. Honestly it feels good to see someone else who is having an absolute horrid dogshit time in college. Someone who just hates it as much as me. Everybody i know is enjoying it, studying something they like, meeting new people, taking hold of oppurtunities etc etc meanwhile college is genuinly making me want to die. Shit years of my life. So much grief so much feeling of wasted potential. And despite my best efforts to make something out of it the "most beautiful years of my life" have been just utter hell. So i guess thank you for complaining about college here all the time? Makes me feel a bit saner whenever i see it, like im not the only one in this bs

Im glad my haterism and piss poor mental health are something you (and others) like and can find comfort in. I struggle to sound genuine but i do mean it, it is reassuring to me as well that im not alone and im not just Built Wrong. Well i probably am, but that's ok.

I feel you a lot on the wasted potential and figuring out you dont really want to do in the future the thing that your classmates are here for. I think ive opened up before about my classmates and i seemingly being from 2 different planets, for multiple reasons, so thats also not motivating.

Finally in my last year im in a minor with other people and yesterday night i got asked how come i havent gone insane in my major. Well... i laughed it off and said i am doing performance art interacting with most of my classmates, but it Is lonely. To see there is a barrier (in my case for multiple reasons im not gonna get into rn) and then the friends you do make drop out or die. Um. Sorry you probably didnt want to hear this. Im not sure how much you have left (of uni, not life. There is life after uni, i promise. I think? I hope) but if you want to talk off anon, privately, im here

[wewontdieunbloomed]

this is part two of unlearning the bad things i unconsciously learnt from last year.

part one was the negative default pessimism i fall in to, which i keep calling it me being emo which means i dwell in my “misery” for far too long, instead of trying to think of something positive to get myself moving out of the bad zone i am in. as we are often told, sadness and negativity gets comforting, it feels like you are protecting yourself. but one cannot see beauty in life and find joy for oneself if one does not make oneself vulnerable.

and so making myself vulnerable is what ive been doing. trying to romanticise this state that im in, a liminal space, at crossroads. its not the most ideal, too many things are unknown and for the first time in my life im dealing with having barely any structure to my days, with nothing to do yet so much i should do.

it took me quite a while to stop lamenting this unknown and start returning to the foundations i built this blog and my entire philosophy off, the whole concept of “lest we die unbloomed” of making sure i dont realise one day ive wasted my time. and in small parts i like to think ive made progress on that

the focus now is the second part. i lost a lot of my attention span and impulse control, and today i reached a horrible point where i am sitting on the kitchen floor at 9 with no dinner, having ruined my microwave dinner out of a lack of common sense. i am not sure if all this recent muddling is because of covid brain fog or the horrifying amount of screen time i have had recently, but i was so sick of it. i have done a lot of things on impulse recently, and though today i had a really fulfilling day spending time with people i havent in a long time, when i got home and im back to reality of the things i havent done and been procrastinating for too long on, i felt horrible. this need to change, i realised.

so this is part two. it calls back to one of the values i set as something important to myself, being honest with myself. i know what im doing now is not working. i know that even though i use my planner im not sticking to it. i know my todo lists are not helping me. then why do i stubbornly stick to methods i know dont work? i told myself a year ago i would not change my system if it doesnt need to be changed. i have forgotten that i need to change it when it does. how silly! so im changing.

so in the last 2 hours in order to get myself up ive written todo lists on paper instead of in my journal. used a timer for every single step from shower to sweeping the floor to brushing my teeth. enough lazing around and letting simple things occupy too much time. its a parkinsons law thing.

enough doomscrolling and opening instagram when i have nothing to do. im setting a limit for a block of time in the day where i am not allowed to use social media, pwrhaps not any internet at all. i need to make drastic change, even if it seems inconsequential. it might not be academic but its personal. and my personal life and what i want to do with my time is worth taking big measures for, because it should be more important than all that revision for exams i used to do.

so the point f this ramble is to clear things out with myself. make some sense of whats goijg on. have a direction. tomorrow i have an interview. ill come home and do the chores i have to. prepare for my afternoon activity. go for lunch and my afternoon appointment. go for a run. buy dinner. write my applications. research on uni stuff. read a book. and all the other tint things i need to give more importance to even though they seem inconsequential. it sa new mantra ive gotten into ever since part one of this. that “this is the way” this is the new way. enough lazing. its time to go hard and be rurhless. take things up a notch because when else can i do it? go big from experiences to measures i have to take to discipline myself. this is the way.

04.04.2023

[77pupu33pipo]

so sorry feel free to skip, big rant ahead.. but good ending :)

i really hope i can get free university tuition for the next year.. there are two vacant positions atm and i think i have a great chance of getting one.. i enrolled last year with 50% discount based on exam results but this discount is only kept if you stay high enough in student ratings and it kept me awake at night throughout the year and feeling guilty, and the workload was completely draining, and i was physically unwell and um. 0 friends and so i had a complete mental breakdown at the end of the year + a failed class and no year-end thesis which meant i needed an individual plan for the next year which meant no discount AND additional pay for extra courses. Decided to drop out, but instead re-enrolled in the same program for the second time to preserve 50% exam discount which is still appliable. Asked for credit recovery for all of the courses i actually completed last year and bless the faculty office because they agreed and spent this year taking my sweet time recovering and attending uni 3 times a week for language classes and thesis. And funny thing is i did pretty well last year. But complete burn out and absolutely shattered mental health, i really couldnt do it anymore. and i don't think ive recovered from it completely, i now resent the thought of any kind of confrontation or trying hard at something or taking an additional interest in something because that just means more work and thought. none of it pays off. i now give up when met with the smallest inconvenience and pushing through with anything is too much. i played The Sims Fucking 3 University one time and got so anxious and mad because the memory was painful. And i dont even remember the stuff that happened during last year that well at all, its all a complete haze, like it never even happened, but somehow still had its consequences. but like pretty much everyone was going through the same stuff in the same circumstances, but i didnt see anyone else struggling that much so i ended up thinking i am a wimp just wasting our and others' time and money and didnt complain or express my worries to anyone. i didnt exactly have anyone to express them to but well....

on the bright side i think I have succeeded in developing a "fuck-all" mentality in the last year and i hope to utilize it next time i am met with the same workload. Plus my groupmates this year round are amazing. i struggle to form close friendships or acquaintences, but they are all very nice and sweet and supportive of one another, its really nothing ive ever seen of classmates or colleagues. And i also think i have made good progress in learning Finnish and have regained just a bit of my passion for linguistics, i wouldnt want to resent the field forever because if it comes to academics i dont think im suited for anything else. my mother has been nagging me about taking what is essentially a gap year, and saying i was making stuff up when i told her about my decision and that ive been really struggling for the past year, even though i was just wailing at the time. But its alright i guess, i don't take it to close to heart, although it does make me so mad sometimes.

im better off now, but im still so scared of plunging back into all that anxiety, restlessness, exhaustion, competition and feelings of stupidity and inferiority. I have mostly dealt with the last two, but i dont think i will be able to take the stress if it is the same as last year. If i stay on paid tuition, then i have to continue securing my discount. And that means extra work in every subject, because you can't get max and pre-max grade by just completing the course perfectly, you're required to do extra work for the last two marks. I realize and understand that this is a common system, but jesus fucking christ i want to be able to choose not to do so and still continue studying like normal, not be handicapped in learning stuff i actually have to learn in other subjects because of useless shit i need to waste my time on for that sweet sweet 9 or 10. and you're competing both with people like you on paid tuition AND with people on free tuition who have some issues i think as the difference between mark 8 and mark 10 is only seen in the student rating and not recorded in the diploma, and the student rating does not mean jack shit if you're on free tuition, literally no one cares for it outside of calculating discounts and transfering from paid to free tuition. I don't want to think badly of those on free tuition who choose to compete in the system, but i believe i have become too senstitive about this topic. I want to bonk them with a cardboard tube to make them change their minds and see the appeal of being free to fuck all when it comes to grades and just do what they actually enjoy in the academics field or on the side, but that doesnt happen.

and so i have a pretty good chance of getting on free tuition with my current grades. I worked my ass off last year with most of the courses, and i got a "great" on both language classes and thesis this year. As far as i know, im first in rating among those on paid tuition. im sending mind control waves to faculty so that they give me that free tuition. i promise i will get worse grades on purpose so that people who are still stuck in clinging to discount hell have a bit of an easier time. i'll read papers for fun and find joy in learning new things again. i will do minimum wage monotone work needed for dictionaries or corpora like all the cool kids. Fuck it, i will do some afterclass activities now that ill be able to afford to spend my free time on random shit. ill attend historical dance meetings regularly, its really fun. ill make some friends even. just PLEASE give me the free tuition. if i don't, i will sigh deeply and continue trying to grind, but ill be upset.

maybe i need to stop whining and just go on with it like everybody did, but pleaseeeeeee. I think i worked hard. I completed every assignment without taking a look at how much it weighed in the grade formula. I helped fellow students when they struggled with something. I had almost perfect attendance. THIS stupid thing will change my life, stupid thing being free tuition. i cant afford to not get a mind boggling cool education, my family will execute me. Please just let me get my stupid little linguistics degree (i mean it includes programming and maths so.) and go on with my life... ...

[un-angel]

70 horrible questions updated

black march 2020, purple november 2022

01 Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

no

no

02 Who did you last say “I love you” to?

sara

izzy

03 Do you regret anything?

there’s one thing i should regret but i’m not sure i do, but apart from that nothing at all

still not sure i regret that same thing i was talking about but i do regret one relationship i had

04 Are you insecure?

hell yeh baby

yeah

05 What is your relationship status?

single

single but married

06 How do you want to die?

on my own terms

and i stand by that!

07 What did you last eat?

a bagel

half a cheese toastie

08 Played any sports?

netball and horseriding played tennis and swam when i was younger too

i joined netball and football at uni idk tho

09 Do you bite your nails?

yes

still yes

10 When was your last physical fight?

never properly only my brother

my brother literally doesnt count ive never fought anyone

11 Do you like someone?

kinda

yes im completely in love with her

12 Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

ummm i don’t think so

not sure probably not why would i

13 Do you hate anyone at the moment?

yes

no and i havent for a while, no point wasting ur energy hating anyone

14 Do you miss someone?

yes

yep

15 Have any pets?

2 cats jasmine and tiger (my lovs)

still got em

16 How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

struggling

dying

17 Ever made out in the bathroom?

no

yes

18 Are you scared of spiders?

yes

yes

19 Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

maybe

yes maybe for a day or so

20 Where was the last place you snogged someone?

ewww but a club in bulgaria gag

in my bedroom

21 What are your plans for this weekend?

stay alive and go cycling

stay alive lie in bed

22 Do you want to have kids? How many?

i change my mind everydsy

2 or 3 maybe not sure

23 Do you have piercings? How many?

yes 8

i have 8 but theyre a different 8 from before

24 What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

ummmmmm art english RS chem

why would i ever have written chem? it was art and RS + i’ll let english slide

25 Do you miss anyone from your past?

yes but u don’t get to know who

yeah a little

26 What are you craving right now?

frozen yogurt

oh my god i have literally been craving frozen yoghurt for the past 7 years but i had so much of it this past summer. that will do me for a while.

27 Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

maybe i think so a little

yes

28 Have you ever been cheated on?

i don’t know

girl u were cheated on

29 Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

yes

yes and now it’s a boyfriend and a girlfriend

30 What’s irritating you right now?

my parents

the love of my life

31 Does somebody love you?

damn i hope so

yes . ur loved dont forget it

32 What is your favourite color?

all of them

still all of them but maybe blue or purple or pink

33 Do you have trust issues?

wirh certain people yes but in general no

im gonna say no but i think im about to develop a few Xx

34 Who/what was your last dream about?

i dreamt we went back to school (nightmare)

i cant remember

35 Who was the last person you cried in front of?

mia

izzy

36 Do you give out second chances too easily?

no

i dont think so

37 Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive

literally neither i will never forgive u and i will never forget it fuck u

38 Is this year the best year of your life?

no

maybe

39 How old were you when you had your first kiss?

just turned 15

true story

40 Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

no imagine not being insecure

no!!

51 Favourite food?

my nans lubia polo or my great aunts🤤 or nachos

still probably lubia polo

52 Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

yes

yes but u wont always understand the reason

53 What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

finished watching finding dory

cried and prayed

54 Is cheating ever okay?

no

still no but i did maybe slip up and i get how it happens but doesnt make it okay.

55 Are you mean?

i don’t know maybe

no!!! but sometimes

56 How many people have you fist fought?

0 sir

0!!

57 Do you believe in true love?

ummmmmmm don’t think so

i wanna say yes i wanna say i know my true love but now im not sure

58 Favourite weather?

when it’s raining but it’s warm

yeh that

59 Do you like the snow?

YES

yes

60 Do you wanna get married?

yes

yes

61 Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

depends who but yeh

if it’s the loml then yes

62 What makes you happy?

art and animals and my friends

and my love

63 Would you change your name?

not anymore but i used to really really want to

dont think so i would never adjust

64 Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

yes

the hardest but so so easy at the same time

65 Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

mannnn idk

scream and cry jack get away from me

66 Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

yes

not sure if we’re there yet

67 Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

bruce hahahah

rory

68 Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

i can’t remember but probably mia

izzy? been having a lot recently though

69 Do you believe in soulmates?

no

yes i do that was silly. u can have multiple though

70 Is there anyone you would die for?

a lot of people

yes but less than before i think i was just suicidal

[freesomebodybyluna]

...

[imisswonho]

hope everyones having a great day 💛

[panszy]

i’m half tempted to drop out of uni bc there’s nothing i rlly wanna do that comes out of a history degree, i like the course sure it’s fine but i don’t love it, and it’s £9000 a year tuition plus like £3500 a year maintenance loan (which doesn’t even cover rent) and i don’t want to waste that much money on something i don’t 100% want to do 

thing is all i really want is to be in a band (like i’m happy working retail for my life if it means i get to make music and tour), and while i don’t want to quit higher education i’d rather be doing something more creative?? but i’m honestly not good enough to do something artsy (and btw when i say i’m not good enough i don’t mean ‘oh i’m really good but i don’t want to say i am’ i mean ‘bc of years of shitty mental health i’m simply not practised enough in anything creative to study it at a high level’), and i could do a foundation level but i’m not good enough to rlly do that either

i’m gonna go back to uni in september and study a part of history i want to study (as we get choices this time and i do like medieval history), if i don’t get any passion for it after a month or so then i’ll probably drop out and work for a year (again....) while i figure out what i’m going to do

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hi! I want help on typing too :) i hope i followed the guidelines right.

Im a hardworker but Im not responsible. An example is I would rather do chores for my parents all my adult life than find a real job. I did get a degree in a prestigious university but I prefer to just serve my parents full time. And so i taught myself to cook, sew, clean, do laundry, and make my own utensils out of wood and scrap. I even took online courses on how to take care of the elderly. I didnt care if I didnt have any income. As long as I do it for the people I love, I do it for free. 《Tho in a way, my brothers provide the finances so money wasnt a problem anyway》

Im very much a recluse. Though many of our guests think I have the most welcoming looking home in town, I prefer not to be visited. Even by friends. While Im proud of my choice of not becoming a professional, Im still sensitive when people imply that they feel like I wasted my potential in university. I prefer to talk to friends online everyday and refrain from seeing them personally because of my insecurity.

Im very bad with my emotions. Mostly because I would prefer to die than show people how I really feel. I would especially never show my loved ones whenever I feel sad because I want them to be always happy. Example was when I broke up with a guy and I never told anyone, but my family guessed it because they sensed that the food I made tasted different than usual. And when they told me its okay to cry, i couldnt and just smiled the whole time because I just smile when Im very stressed. And when my mood gets pretty dark, I result to alcohol to numb my feelings. I used to drink a lot when I felt depressed when I backed out of my first and last job after uni. I could never get myself to talk about my feelings with anyone, not even a therapist.

I have a fairy academia aesthetic and way of living. I love fairytales. I love reading books about them. I daydream a lot. I pretty much incorporate fairytale and folklore characters in my personality. I imagine Im Rapunzel when Im doing chores. I imagine Im Peter Pan when Im talking to friends. I used Midsummer Nights Dream as an inspiration when I revamped the house and now our place looks like a fairy cottage :)

I am a very peace loving person. I dont like taking sides. Im very neutral. I dont like to categorize anyone as good or evil. When my family fights, I dont pick sides and i refuse to take part. When I get into a fight, I immediately back down and do nothing even when Im right.

I am very bad at planning. I pretty much rely on the feeling of the moment, which usually takes people by surprise. I never thought I would quit the job industry, but i did. I never thought I would result to alcohol being the typical good girl I am, but I did. I never thought I would break up with a relationship of 10 years, but I did... all because i dont feel like it anymore.

Im not a rational person. I dont like questioning people's choices and situations and I dont want it to be done to me as well. Whenever I see my brothers upset, I dont ask or argue. I just give them some comfort food and give words of encouragement. The last time I was sad, I dont answer anyone when they ask. But Im very much willing to be hugged instead than anything else.

Im sorry if its too long. I hope i got this right :(

This definitely sounds like enneagram 2; it’s very much about giving everything for others, putting them before yourself, and caring about their opinions of you over your opinions over most things. I am also sure there is 9 fix in there somewhere, and it’s even possible you are instead a 9 core with a 2 fix instead.

With that said I’m not sure on your MBTI type - you’re definitely a feeler, but I can’t entirely decide on Fi vs. Fe, and I suspect this comes down to my own biases/range of experience. I don’t think anything you’re doing is wrong, but it is legitimately so unlike anything I would do that I struggle to connect it with Fi (even my low Fi) but it also doesn’t feel fully like Fe.

I would tentatively look at dom Fi, because despite what you say it sounds like while you value the opinions of others you do make a lot of choices for yourself and against certain expectations (choosing to be a caretaker rather than the expectation of pursuing a career from your degree, breaking up) and because you mention not liking to plan and making decisions in the moment.

I think there are cases to be made for either Ne or Se; the general sense I get here doesn’t tie to either and what might be perceived as one or the other just seems like a certain sense of escapism into fantasy, which anyone can do (and which fits with 9). So either INFP or ISFP are possible.

I would, lastly, out of a sense of what this blog is, recommend trying a therapist again, not because your life choices are in any way wrong (and I do suspect it may be hard to find a therapist who respects this which is frustrating) but because of what you say regarding showing emotion; it is pretty crucial to have some kind of emotional outlet or confidant even if you don’t like to be particularly emotional in public/around other people.

[fashionbitchgd]

Rules : tag 8 people you’d like to get to know better

Thanks for tagging me @happygirl327 🥰

Name: Tatiane

Zodiac Sign: pisces

Hobbies: the usual stuff like listening to music, watching tv shows, reading comics and manga, obsessing over kpop idols and fictional characters i like, wasting time on the internet, etc

Fave colors: red, purple and black

Fav books: am i gonna be too basic if i just put the harry potter series here? 😂 but for real those books were just so important and formative to me in my childhood that ill forever love them (even if the author turned out to be a bigoted asshole 🙄). Tried to think of something more recent but ive been reading (for a long time tbh) mostly serious boring books about political philosophy, sociology, law, etc (mostly for uni but also bc it seems like the world is going crazy and democracies are going to shit before our eyes so i just feel a strong need to try to understand whats happening). And for fun i usually just go for fanfiction of whatever pairing im obsessing about in the moment 😂

Last Song: Volcano by NCT (nct's new album is really good, it's worth checking out)

Last Film: The Social Dilemma

Love: playing with my pets, spending time with my family, having fun with my friends, going to the movies, hiking in parks that have waterfalls, traveling, relaxing at the beach, having fun out on sunny days, barbecues with my whole family together, reuniting with friends i havent seen in a while, watching my cats make bread and purr when theyre relaxed, watching my dog's happiness every time i get home, falling in love with a new band or tv show, cooking and eating a delicious meal, watching other people try my cooking and enjoy it

Something that helps other people: dont be afraid to ask for help. I used to be the kind of dumbass that hates asking for help and think i could do everything alone, and that brought me a lot of unnecessary suffering, so im trying to fix this. So my advice to everyone and to myself is to not be afraid to ask for help, cuz theres always someone out there willing to help you

Meaning behind my url: idk i just wanted a bigbang related url last year when the guys were being discharged from the military service, and i thought of fashionbitchgd cuz his fashion is one of the things that i admire most about jiyong (my ultimate bias), so yeah it's not that deep

I'm gonna tag @krijgsonthaal @alldayxia @chaelinsbitch @boom-kaka-laka @mint-hint @pinktop-s @jiyong-oooppa @chaos-of-the-abyss it's optional tho :)

[firebettercallnct]

hi. sorry if that's a lot of depressing infodump but i just have to tell someone since i don't want to stress out my irl.

i'll be going to my monthly checkup in the hospital tmrw and i'm so fucking stressed bc my antibiotics don't seem to help anymore, and new ones aren't available rn bc of covid. if my blood test is bad again, and if my pulmonary function drops again, i'll have to be admitted to the hospital long term in order to better my condition. but if that happens, i won't be able to start my semester at uni, i won't be able to study psychology, and everything i've worked so hard for for the last 2 years will go to waste. eventually, i'll have to get a lung transplant, and after that, the doctors give me 5 years max. i'm just so anxious about it and idk what to do. everything i do seems to be wrong and i'm constantly judged for everything. thank u for listening ♡

im so so so so so fucking sorry i see this just now,,, i didnt log in at all for the day after that video, this was very important and u must've been so anxious im really sorry i didn't reply earlier.

i feel like there's nothing i can say to make what you're going through any easier and honestly nothing feels right anyway ?? i don't really know the conditions but it sounds like you're going through a lot :( i wish i could do something to help and im sorry that i cant :( i really really hope things start looking up for you you're such a loving and caring person you don't deserve any of this. i love u so much im really sorry again i didnt reply earlier :( dont let people invalidate your feelings or your efforts, fuck their judgment do whatever the fuck you want with your life it's yours not theirs

[theonlineworldr]

suffocation or love?

this certain post is dedicated to the one person i love the most in the world and to let her know that she’s not alone although she won’t see it, although she tries her hardest not to show it i can see her pain, her suffering, and although she’s getting better i know she’s still in so much pain and i know for a fact that it’s scarred her. (i wont be using any names or anything)

suffocation or love? how can we distinguish between the both when all we’re used to is the pressure and suffocating feelings which we are forced to not let them show. 

can you only see her faults and my achievements? what about her achievements? what about her feelings? have you completely given up on her already?

have you only been able to see her failures and faults? are you blind to the fact that she’s progressed ever so perfectly over this past year? 

she’s trying her best just to please you, just to succeed to your expectations of a “good life”. if you were to compare her to last year and really look and pay attention to the details you would be able to see how much she has shone and how much she has improved, but no all you see is her failures and it pains me everytime you criticise her for every small thing she does.

do you know how much it hurts? do you know how much your approval and pride means to us? if you did then i’m sure both of us wouldn’t have to feel so suffocated with emotions. 

you say “you can always talk to me”  or “im always here to listen” but will you actually listen? cause if we do actually “talk to you” then we’d just be blamed for the emotions we are feeling or our physical pain, all you would say is “you’re always on your phone at night” yeah sometimes we are because we are too afraid to go to sleep since our nightmares always seem to get the best of us, most of the times we aren’t but we can’t help but let our intrusive thoughts slip through and take control. 

“she looks like she hasn’t eaten in days”

“what time did yo wake up this morning?”

“what time did you go to sleep?”

“why are you wasting your life away by sleeping and not doing anything with time you have?”

“do you not care about your life?”

“stop wasting your life by sulking around”

“did you see your cousin he’s a year younger than you and he has 3 jobs, goes to uni and is earning his own money to pay his uni fees, but you guys don’t seem to care do you?”

“do you have any shame at all?”

“can you fix her?”

“go jump”

i know your doing this  because you want to motivate us and you care for us and just want the best for us BUT, please understand she and so am u trying our best, it may not look like she is trying but TRUST me she really is, she isn’t lazy she’s emotionally tired, she doesn’t not care she cares too much to let her life slip like that, please just understand WE ARE TRYING and it takes a lot of work to reach your limits, please undertand that we need a break sometimes we’re humans not robots, please understand that we have feelings too and it hurts a lot when you compare us to others it hurts the most when you’re own parents say your not enough so please give us a break sometimes.

[this is unedited btw so if theres mistakes dont @ me pls :) ]

[one-abuse-survivor]

Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken. 

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl. 

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't. 

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

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No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph! 

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Ronnie

Ali: [The day of but later] Ali: I convinced that man not to press charges or anything, the one that got involved Ali: so you don't need to worry about that Ronnie: wasnt Ronnie: tell someone who is Ali: 'course Ali: talking isn't the most useful thing for me to do right now so I'll pass Ronnie: go be useful then little girl Ali: I'm sorry he brought you Ali: that's fucked up Ronnie: course you are Ronnie: youre all well sorry now like Ali: For you, not myself, or ourselves Ronnie: no shit pity works with the rest of your brothers and sisters Ronnie: youre fucked up Ali: How so? Ronnie: show and tells over Ali: I hope it made you feel better Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: none of you give a fuck how I feel Ali: yeah I do Ronnie: wheres it been Ali: you're meant to wait for the kid to make the first move, that's rule #1 Ronnie: if you wanna play by the rules Ali: so I've lost points, that's fine Ali: you don't want us to care, right? Ronnie: the way your family is im almost old enough to be your ma Ronnie: bit fucking late yeah Ali: You do have a solid decade on her, yeah Ali: I'm a late bloomer, clearly Ronnie: ill leave it to her to be proud Ali: a big ask, but I'll survive without Ronnie: like I said Ronnie: fucked Ali: Yeah, a fair bit Ali: nothing to shout about, or that hasn't been now Ronnie: you wanted a first move Ali: It was a choice Ronnie: nah Ronnie: a reaction Ali: That too Ali: like I said, hope it was what you needed it to be? Ronnie: ask him Ali: you just did it for Joe? Ronnie: why else Ronnie: none of you mean shit to me Ali: but he does, yeah Ronnie: connect the dots Ronnie: I bothered to carve each one out Ali: I can tell he loves you Ali: do you love him Ronnie: hes that fucking soft Ali: you do Ali: alright, that's something Ronnie: fuck you youve known him all your life and you dont Ronnie: theres no telling me how I feel Ali: I don't know him or I don't love him? Ronnie: have it both ways Ronnie: he tells it either way Ali: I probably don't know him now Ali: I'll allow that Ali: that's how he wants it so you don't have to defend him like I'm saying I do Ali: or that I'll force it, when he's been so clear Ronnie: hes the last person I can be arsed to defend Ronnie: but no shit he gets everything he wants Ali: What were you after Ali: we disown him Ali: or strongarm him into rehab and therapy Ronnie: yeah Ive got everything crossed for sobriety Ronnie: fucks sake Ali: disowning then, he's done it to us Ali: it won't happen the other way 'round, sorry to say Ronnie: give him your fucking sorry Ronnie: he was the one begging me to ruin it all Ali: close enough that he should still be happy Ali: I'm not sorry for him Ali: I already said, he shouldn't have used you like that Ronnie: thats what happens theres no fucking 💘 and 🥀 Ali: no one deserves that Ronnie: I am no one Ali: You aren't Ali: don't have to be Ronnie: people like their junkies part time or useful or repentant Ronnie: fuck that Ali: that's not your whole gig Ronnie: you don't know shit Ronnie: youre not under my skin or in my head Ali: I know enough to know that's bullshit Ali: if anyone was just their addictions and vices, you wouldn't need them Ronnie: yeah youre the smart one Ronnie: he told me Ali: He's the one at the fancy arts school Ali: how does he reconcile that with being the junkie one Ronnie: youre 16 theres no uni thatd take you yet Ronnie: happy birthday for whenever the fuck it was Ali: Thanks Ali: about a month ago Ali: extend the invite next time Ronnie: dont Ronnie: I wont show Ali: you haven't heard how great my parties are yet Ronnie: I aint a childrens entertainer Ali: be cool if you were Ali: have a heart attack when you showed up Ronnie: next time I need a few quid ill try and remember Ronnie: make you proud of me Ali: probably leave that to Joe, and your friends and fam Ali: but I know how to make balloon animals so hmu Ronnie: course you do Ronnie: youre the target market for hippy crack Ali: awh Ali: how true Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: how long you been in the youngest ones adhd meds Ali: not really my thing Ali: need to calm my brain, not stimulate it harder Ronnie: 💔 Ali: how'd you know about that Ali: doesn't seem like the sort of pillowtalk he'd be about Ronnie: i was in care i know what an kid with adhd looks like Ronnie: and theyve tried to diagnose me as everything but a west little bastard Ali: he's shit scared right now Ronnie: be fucked if he werent Ali: yeah Ali: he doesn't really know Joe Ali: was like 4 when he went to Uni so Ali: proper boogeyman shit Ronnie: mckenna will love that Ronnie: real boner for the misery Ali: someone should get something out of it Ali: he can pay for his therapy later Ali: more meds, whatever Ronnie: ill tell him to put in his will Ali: try not to die Ronnie: itd be the ultimate misery boner Ronnie: why should he stop getting what he wants now Ali: yeah, you do love him Ali: but hate him too Ronnie: 💘🥀 Ali: Is he worth it? Ronnie: youre describing freckles and the princess you know that yeah Ronnie: me and her dont share every dysfunction Ali: Nah, they don't hate each other Ali: loads of other stuff, people Ali: very them vs everyone Ronnie: she hates that she needs him Ronnie: that he makes her soft Ronnie: close enough Ali: You reckon? Ali: Hmm Ronnie: first rule of tortured kids club Ali: it's why she loves him too Ali: you'd understand if her sister had been there Ali: she's got no one to make her soft, I tried but Ronnie: gutted she werent there then Ali: you wouldn't like her any more than she'd like you Ali: it'd be fitting, but no fun Ronnie: thats the fun Ronnie: I hate you all Ali: I see the appeal Ronnie: have a go Ronnie: hate me Ali: I see your appeal Ali: why would I hate you? Ali: Fraze does and he's having the least fun of all Ronnie: you see what you fucking wanna Ronnie: youd have to know me to know if I had any appeal Ali: Then I'm a spoilt hippy brat, as you like it Ali: you'd have to do worse for me to hate you Ali: not my MO Ronnie: not wasting another flight on it Ronnie: kill your own ma Ali: then I'm good for it Ali: sorry again Ali: you did what you set out to do, making me 💔 wasn't part of it Ronnie: stop fucking apologising Ali: it offends you? Ronnie: I did what mckenna cant do for his fucking self being a useless pussy from cradle to grave Ronnie: he is under my skin and in my veins like it or not Ali: yeah, and my apology is worth a damn when you've got problems that big Ali: alright, I won't say it no more Ronnie: if it was for me Id have done it at 10 14 fucking 18 even Ali: 'course, you got fucked over at birth Ali: no other straws needed Ali: his is more of a slowburn of bullshit Ronnie: yeah Ali: I don't know what he's told you, or how much you care about it Ali: but they've always been like it, Fraze too Ali: we have no idea and they went through so much more Ali: but Joe's only got 5 on me, so that says all you really need to know Ronnie: thats lads for you Ronnie: cant handle any pain unless they glorify it Ali: or co-opt it Ali: if you don't wanna be like them, tell him to get his own Ronnie: Im not like them thats why he likes me Ronnie: it aint my winning smile Ronnie: helps that I look like you and your ma course hes that sick Ali: He's hated them both ever since Bea came around, then when we moved her, like it was for her Ali: he's spoilt, like you said Ali: but I really think he is sick, too Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: were both sick Ali: yeah Ali: maybe you'll wanna get help someday Ronnie: for what Ronnie: theres no happy ever after here Ali: to not be sick Ronnie: nice try little girl Ronnie: not gonna get cured Ali: yeah, well has to seem better than sick Ali: that's a big ask Ali: I can't imagine not getting to do the drugs I do, and that's everyone Ronnie: it's like being in a relationship yeah sometimes it makes you feel good sometimes it dont Ronnie: cant fix shit though Ronnie: the rots too deep and its already set in Ronnie: long before I took a hit Ali: That's medication for you Ronnie: thats pain for you Ali: Yeah Ronnie: if I cant cut it out Ill cut her out of me Ronnie: her face outta mine Ali: It's DNA Ali: everything and nothing Ronnie: if she's in my blood ill spill it all Ronnie: theres fuck all point keeping it on the inside Ali: It's a waste of you Ali: the you that ain't her Ronnie: I am the waste Ronnie: ive had enough kids scraped out of me it aint hard Ali: She believed in the happily ever after you don't Ali: more fool her Ronnie: she got it Ali: she wanted it with you Ronnie: bullshit Ali: She did, she loved your biological dad, basically as many years as she'd been about Ali: she didn't just not get an abortion because she was scared Ronnie: she wanted it with him then Ronnie: I was along for the ride til I got dumped out Ronnie: if she wanted me id fucking be there Ali: she could've tried Ali: yeah Ali: you would've got taken away though Ronnie: so what Ali: just that, she wasn't allowed to keep you, she was a 14 year old with no parent, they'd have separated you and put you into different care homes Ali: happened to her friend Ronnie: I was a 14 year old with no parents either Ronnie: and a 4 year old Ronnie: 4 months Ronnie: however the fuck far back you wanna go Ronnie: I still found ways to get shit that I wanted Ali: Yeah, I know Ali: you had enough to eat and a bed with a roof over your head Ali: you wouldn't have if you'd had her, if that was even possible, somehow Ronnie: no I fucking didnt Ronnie: not always Ali: if you were in a home Ali: more than a squat where no fucker pays the bills or gets groceries over smack, you know the situation Ronnie: I know it helps her sleep at night Ronnie: this story Ali: you don't have to add it to your narrative if it fucks with your peace Ali: ask Joe Ali: if he reckons he remembers everything back in Liverpool, he'll remember Ronnie: I dont need to ask him cos his story is that she blinked and her life was so fucking sorted that she pushed a shit ton more kids out Ronnie: where the fuck was I Ronnie: nowhere Ronnie: youre my fucking replacement is why Ali: she could've got you when she got Bea and Ro Ali: I don't know how old you were then, 13? Ali: they might've said she was sorted enough, maybe Ali: it was more, this girl has been abused and you're a friend she trusts who is willing to foster her so let's shove her at you and get her out, it wasn't happy families Ronnie: no need when theres already loads of shiny white kids to mother and 2 less shiny to play saviour too Ali: I could ask Ali: I was a toddler, and it wasn't my bedtime story too, believe it or nah Ronnie: luck of the irish Ali: I'll take 50% Ronnie: her sob story is as fucking useless to me as mckennas misery boners are Ali: 💔 Ali: very convincing performance in that case Ronnie: fuck you Ali: why Ronnie: if you have to ask youre not listening Ali: I meant the part where you necked on with him Ronnie: why not Ali: 'cos his boners are a letdown, obvs Ronnie: I dont need him to make me feel good Ronnie: and he fucking wishes he could do as good of a job as the shit that does Ali: thank God Ronnie: he wanted the shock factor thats me baby Ali: assumed that was his intention Ali: he stopped showing up as himself ages ago though, that was, not more shocking but impactful, let's say Ali: if he wasn't so obviously out of it, he might've known that we knew Ronnie: he wanted to stop showing up full stop Ronnie: til he gets shipped back in a ⚰ Ronnie: and reckoned thatd be the final nail for you all us fucking Ali: and us younger ones are dramatic, hilarious Ali: who doesn't want to get away from home? Ali: Tommy has been since he was 11, Bea went to Cambridge, Ro will too, Fraze only didn't because Bea told him he wasn't allowed to follow her Ali: I'm planning on Singapore, myself Ronnie: hes too pussy to handle being away from me Ronnie: or what I get like when he isnt in my fucking face Ronnie: that bit wasnt about you lot as much like Ali: it's how it goes Ali: that's why people get knocked up, get married, get fabulous careers, so you can have an excuse for why you can't make this weekend, will try to pop in for this event but end up just sending a card Ali: it's weird it's you, of course, you're both sick, duh, but look at it objectively Ali: it's your version of 2.4 kids and a dog Ronnie: he dont want me to slit my own throat or anyone elses but his more fool him Ronnie: cant knock me up or marry me thank christ Ronnie: I like that the dog is smack thats well poetic Ali: I'll have a go at writing it Ali: if you want a null and void illegal wedding too, I'll write those vows and all Ronnie: ill stick it in a song if you want better than happy birthday Ronnie: fuck that i belong to no one Ronnie: theres loads more fun illegal shit to do Ali: you write songs too? Ali: just don't let Joe play cello on it Ali: if depression had a 🎵 Ronnie: id lose money if i begged with him Ronnie: fucking hell Ronnie: looks pathetic enough but thats all Ali: very child actor vibes, or rockstar's kid Ali: you had it all and you pissed it all the wall Ali: not here's a couple of quid for a warm cup of coffee and a sarnie, no Ronnie: i can see his face hearing that Ronnie: id have to take a brick to it Ali: yeah, he probably hates me Ali: not as much as Fraze, didn't have the toddler clout to make us move to Dublin, bit rude Ronnie: you're in his way Ali: of what Ronnie: 💉 Ali: that's his hangup Ali: like I said, no one is forcing him to do shit here Ali: guilt's part and parcel of 💚 and 💉 ain't it Ronnie: youre not telling me shit I dont know Ronnie: hes the one shitting himself hes gonna get chucked in rehab Ronnie: nobodys coming to take me nowhere Ali: I get it Ali: she's shit at turning up Ali: tell her to work on it Ronnie: do what you want Ronnie: far as sisterly advice what ive got is dont ask me for a shot unless youre after a habit Ali: lecturing ain't my gig rn, she loves a bit of it so honestly no need when her 🧠 will be full of the 💔 Ali: cheers, I'll stick to the just saying no of it all Ronnie: get the money up front when you are gigging Ronnie: and take care of the kid when you aint Ali: I will, I do Ali: he's got a few years to grow before I'm going anywhere Ronnie: yeah Ali: and my wife might stay and they're best friends Ronnie: she was the one trying to rival us for most high Ali: ✌💚💉 Ali: it was a party before you walked in Ali: which I'm aware was very much the idea Ali: can I give you a tattoo I'm good Ronnie: go ahead Ronnie: not gonna be here long like Ali: where do you wanna meet, my rig is way portable Ronnie: [a place nearby wherever they are cos god knows but I doubt Joe wants to see Ali and she aint gonna tell him that's where she's going LOL] Ali: 👍 Ali: about 25 on my 🚲 Ronnie: reckon i can stay alive til then