#i feel home right where i belong
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wahh finally checked out another gris album and i am experimenting absolute bliss. oh my god.
#Il Était une Forêt is the album of all time#when the dsbm is haunting in a very good sense#THAT SCREAM IN CICATRICE......#glitch.txt#i love love love dsbm so much i love hearing other people in pain cuz SAME!! icare screams so i dont have to etc#gris writes about wanting to die and actually sounds like it so i dont have to etc etc#(not that i dont want to nor havent im just quoting a ted talk adhagdaj)#also that quote yknow that goes art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable#its. exactly that.#*men screaming in pain and crying* i am so comforted <3#i feel SEEN and HEARD i feel you my dude im Right there with ya.#i feel home right where i belong#also i want la dryade to play at my funeral#and also its not just the crying and wailing and screaming its also the atmosphere and energy thats added to it with the instruments#like. yknow the metal part.#goddddd ashdgasjhasg im frothing i love it so much
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Zenitsu agatsuma has got to be the biggest egg I have ever seen in my entire life
#demon slayer#kimetsu no yaiba#zenitsu agatsuma#nezuko kamado#there’s genuinely no way bro doesn’t have smth going on with his gender#nezukos bamboo necklace is chewlery btw hehe#I hope I was able to capture the expression of like#just genuine tender yearning#it’s something he’s always had the longing for but never quite understood where it came from#or even what it was#just a very empty hole in his body that he could only ever describe as self hatred and disgust even if he knew that wasn’t quite right#I think when they’re older nezuko would rlly help him like#get comfortable w the idea of actually exploring his identity#he’s spent so much of his life just truly and bitterly hating himself to the core#he couldn’t stomach the idea of thinking about who he was beyond the surface level#I think nezuko would make him feel so much more okay with himself and help try to get him to a point of at the very least knowing who he is#it’s a very long road that zenitsu really honestly isn’t sure if he’s comfortable with#but he can’t help but at least try#if not for himself but for the ache of the child inside himself who has so desperately longed for comfort and love and belonging#he wants to know that child who was so brutally outcasted could eventually find a home#he wants to believe there’s hope for himself#Zenko chan I love you so much#she is so important 2 me…..#sorry transed your zenitsu. no yeah we can’t undo it. yeah he’s a she now. sorry nothin I can do.
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happy valentines day to the gay ppl in my screen!!!
#posting one piece again feels so right im finally back home. im where i belong#one piece#draws#acesan#sanji#portgas d ace
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Just watched Nimona
The fact this movie never got a theater release because of Blue Sky's closure and Disney deciding to nix it once acquired will forever break my heart holy shit.
Like up front it is BEAUTIFULLY animated, the writing is tight as hell, the story is genuinely moving and amazing. By that alone it deserved to be in theaters.
*deep breath*
But BOY HOWDY am I SALTY AS FUCK that a animated movie that is accessible to kids, especially queer kids, got knocked out of the process to reach theaters when
IT JUST CASUALLY HAS A INTERRACIAL GAY COUPLE WITH A (metaphorically) ADOPTED (literally) TRANS CHILD AS THE 3 MAIN CHARACTERS IN THE MOVIE THE FUCKING HELL WE COULD'VE HAD ALL THIS PERFECTLY DONE QUEER MEDIA ON THE BIG SCREEN AS A COHERENT AMAZING STORY FUC-
#Nimona#Nimona film#God I feel Nimona so hard I actually had to fast forward some scenes because I am not in a GREAT headspace right now so it was kinda#triggering at the moment because hahaha yeah people see me as a monster. Whooooooooo.#like god I hope so many kids watch this#young teens trying to figure stuff out#And like I have fond memories of the OG Nimona- I was There for the webcomic#but the ending of the original comic ngl kinda scarred me a bit#and I'm so glad it shifted#LIKE SPOILERS FOR WHAT DOESN'T HAPPEN IN THE MOVIE BUT WHAT I REMEMBER FROM THE END OF THE COMIC#but in the comic spoilers Nimona does live but still wanders and it's left open whether she and Ballister ever meet again#I could be misremembering but yeah#like as a NB person it made me feel like I may never find a home- a place to belong#so I think the fact that Nimona and Ballister met at the end#where it shows the city is open to embracing Nimona#it kinda puts a salve on that wound#LIKE DON'T GET ME WRONG I recognize the power of the OG ending#Stevenson was exploring his own feelings and figuring themselves out and they were younger so it made sense#but sometimes even beautiful worthy media can leave a negative mark#depending on the person#because we all have different experiences and what is healing to one can be poison to the other#so YMMV on which ending you like better
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꒰୨୧꒱
#the thing is that even if i always long for a relastionship...#i've never even been in one and idk how they work & im so scared of many things#i have sm troubles and issues with touch. i've gotten to a place where i cant even stand my own sisters or mom bumping into me#and outside i cant stand when someone accidentally walks into me or touching someone's legs on the bus#i hate it. it's not only feeling uncomfortable i feel distressed and scared and sick#smth that seems very normal in like all couples is that youre 'allowed' to touch eo all thge time whenever#that scares me a lot. like touch is so scary for me. and when youre in a relationship theres just this silent agreement that you can touch#eo all the time and thats like... how it's supposed to be.... ://#thats so scary to me. that theres this expectation and demand that if im someones gf they should be allowed to touch me whnever#and like i've never been in love and been in a relationship and been touched by that person so idk#maybe it wouldnt be an issue. but just thinking that.. i dont belong completely to myself and therefore give up#the right to not be touched if and when i feel distressed or uneasy is too scary for me#maybe i could learn to feel safe with them and want their touch but rn it scares me skskks#what if they kiss me when im feeling extremely sex reoulsed and wanna kill myself bc of my inner agony#and they get hurt when i try to pull away?#bc regardless of what ppl say... it is a truth that in a relationship youre exoected to want physical touch at all times#and it is seen as an insult to your partner if there are other forces within u (like trauma etc) that makes u sometimes uncomfortable w it#but yeah idk... the problem is that... in humanity and society#consent is one of the least important and prioritized things. as a humanbeing living u will have your consent disregarded countless times#and for me personally consent is one of the most important things. & thats one of the reasons why its so hard for me to live in this society#like yes i do want to have a partner and touch and be touched#but what if we're in the store and im feeling particularly bad that day and feel like#i need to turn myself inside out and peel my skin off and feel anxious and scared#and they just casually grab my ass?? then i will go home and kill myself :) or have a breakdown in the store lol#i dont want to go thru this but i also dont wanna put someone else thru it#and like it would be different if they asked first if i was ok being touched and i said yes#and if i said no theyd respect me and not get hurt#but like be for real.... almost nobody does that. and almost everyone thinks thats lame#in most relationships nobody asks eo. youre expected to just always be ok with it. if u want to be asked youre silly and demanding#nobody asks their partner abt that. that just dont happen lmao. so idk. :((( i wish i was normal
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Sometimes i feel so fucked because i seriously don't really belong anywhere and it's just. Wow
#.mimiming ❜#the partition happened when my grandparents were little#my parents at least had the state right? where they grew up? surrounded by family they love#it's home#even my brother was born in my father's hometown#and he's.. just so at home there too#i was born at this city my parents moved to so they could find a job#i hate my hometown but i really dont#i dont know how to talk to the people there#i dont even know my own fucking language#my uncle aunt grandmother feel like such fucking strangers and whenever i go there#it's just so fucking clear i dont belong#and here either#born and raised here but i cant speak the language well#and im not from here either#i dont really have roots or anything#it just fucks me up sometimes ig
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why don’t you carry me home
care by robot koch
#clexa#clexaedit#yea im tagging those#i spent way too much time rotating the words on those screenshots lmao#believe it or not the way they are rotated and what direction the uh quotes leaning in and so on all have a meaning#cause im unwell#like on the last space pic the 'i belong' is in the exact middle of it cause um well meeting of the sky and earth on the horizon?#i said theres meaning i didnt say its coherent#the first carry me home leans down cause clarke needs to fall down to the ground to find hers <3#then on the ground those two pics its straight line in the middle cause again. horizon#the last one is both just how the entire song feels like it loops on itself constantly#plus im thinking clarke was circling earth in the ark and theres no end to a circle and also! its them in a little bubble#coherence left the chat sorry i cant words right now#also i liked how those space parts are very dark and so are those first parts with lexa like a familiarity#(and cause they understand each other's darkest experiences)#but then the last one is a brand new color palette just engulfed in the gold#again target audience me myself and i#i wanted to make a fanvid out of this but my laptop hates me#anyways the 'to where i belong' needed to be on the clarke drawing pics cause im presently unwell abt that#she covers her cell in the ark in drawings of earth!!!!!! and the first thing she draws on earth!!!!!! is lexa#things i should have processed in 2016 but didn't etc
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LMAOOOO no fr everyone kept saying "watch out for pickpockets !!!!!!!!!!" had me so nervous ...... not a single person approached me 💀
#and i was in both the main parts of the cities and the suburbs#if that's what they're even called#tbh the grossest part i was in was venice#like the central part and neighbouring islands were fine but as soon as you start walking away from the canal... whew#the further you get the worse it is 🤢 quite honestly don't understand the hype this city gets#unbelievably overrated.. and that's coming from a girlie who loves waterfront cities!#i live in montreal and love the old port! always been obsessed with halifax!#but my goodness the east coast here feels CLEAN compared to venice...#it smelled AWFUL and some areas in the city felt very third worldly...#like how was it reminding me of both montreal and the country i was born in at the same time?? 💀#lmao anyway#i wish i lived near the mediterranean sea... that's where i belong... that's home 💔#i'm such a water girlie but i also love the mountains (don't make me choose) so i can't even complain 😩#canada is gorgeous and humongous and we have everything here and there's still so much to discover#still intending on visiting every nhl city !! i'm at 4/7 canadian teams (not counting ex-teams & layovers lol)#not counting arenas either i've only done 2 and i was right by the arena in vancouver but never seen the toronto one#as for american teams... lol. only two 🤠#lowkey jealous of the states sometimes cause y'all could just road trip anywhere and see so many places at once#imagine if i tried to road trip from here to winnipeg. lol. there wouldn't be much to see on the way 🤣#ugh i already miss travelling i can't get enough#i need to explore more of asia though honestly#like south east asia especially 😩😩 indonesia... thailand...#i need trees. ok i need all of water mountains AND trees. DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE !!#(see this is why canada is perfect for me lol. i really am so grateful to live here)#**#bro i just looked it up. it would take 25 hours to drive from montreal to winnipeg.#THAT'S THE SAME AS DRIVING TO FLORIDA. ARE YOU KIDDING ME#SEE WHAT I MEAN !!!! this country is huge and not many places would be checked off the list 😭#there's 50 states and here we have 10 provinces 😭😭
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i love new york so much. separated by hundreds and hundreds of miles, no matter where i go, i can always be guaranteed to see a random "I ❤️ NY" decal on the side of a major highway
#brot posts#made the trek back to the island today after spending most of the week upstate with my grandparents#several hundred miles between their house and mine and i saw no fewer than 3 'I ❤️ NY' decals#and i know of a few on long island itself as well#and you know what? they're right. i do love new york#i feel zero patriotism for the United States as the nation i live in but by god am i such a rabid New Yorker#especially long islander#the pure relief i felt . several hours into my trip back home. going through the outskirts of nyc#and about merge onto the long island expressway. seeing the road sign with the giant arrow labeled 'LONG ISLAND' was so like#so utterly relieving i was just like :DDD LONG ISLAND !!! MY HOMMEEEE#i hate this place but also i love it . i cant ever leave. i most likely will have to bc its so fucking expensive but like#i will forever mourn leaving and a part of me will always belong here#i enjoyed the trip upstate and it definitely endeared me even more to ny state as a whole; but like#the pure relief of going to scattered suburbs around tiny 'cities'#suburbs that looked almost like those from home.. except for the fact they puttered out to pure rural communities within like 5 miles#going from THAT to the nyc area... having a /real/ city in the distance.. and having the surrounding suburbs stretch#for as wide as you could see... horizon to horizon.... and knowing the entire island is just one giant suburb#like yknow its annoying and kinda terrible that this place is so homogenous#but also . its relieving. like its my home. i live here. its what im used to#having a normal suburb that disappears to a void with population 5 within a 3 minute drive is so frightening. where is everyone....#and how do you call this thing a 'city' if there's only like five buildings with more than seven stories..........#sorry . im so nyc metro area pilled. i cant consider anything a city unless its steel skyscrapers with 100+ stories and busy traffic#and thousands of pedestrians rushing about at any given time#and how do you call this thing a suburb if there's only ten houses on a single street. why are your yards so big. where are the fences
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reblog this with your favourite song(s) from each 1d album please it’s for science
#ive been listening to so much 1d for comfort lately#up all night would be wmyb more than this and moments#take me home is tougher actually#change my mind over again or#rock me bc it’s a bop#midnight memories is a game changer it’s so difficult but right now 100% one of the best songs they ever put out#dont forget where you belong and#happily and strong and through the dark and why don’t we go there idk y’all midnight memories is full of bangers#four definitely ready to run#girl almighty where do broken hearts go#fools gold and honorable mentions to fireproof and no control#and mitam is not fair I’m not choosing#end of the day and if I could fly are probably never going to be topped#but then you also have what a feeling and walking in the wind and Am and Olivia and yeah I’m not choosing because I also count home as a#part of mitam bc I can
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I turned 24 yesterday and I think this is the first time I’ve been excited to be older rather than terrified of it
#coming home and taking my time in grad school without pressuring myself to finish as soon as possible#has been so healing! I didn’t realize how much pressure I felt to succeed in undergrad / community college#and right now it feels like I’m where I’m supposed to be#I have a paid internship lined up for the summer and I really like working on the youth rights blog#it feels like I’m accomplishing a lot of what I wanted as a kid and it’s really rewarding#but I’m also not pressuring myself or defining myself by those accomplishments#I feel like not going to school in person also takes the away the pressure to fit in to academia#or to overwork myself trying to prove myself bc I don’t feel like I belong in academic institutions#personal
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Honestly hate how hard it is to start writing again when you've gone too long without it. Like for fuck's sake man Why's shit gotta be like this
#speculation nation#daydreaming of the early discacc days when i wrote 70k words in 3 weeks. those were the days...#im just... so tired and wrung out and everything is so fucking hard#im barely even Doing anything besides working. my apartment is in horrible shape rn.#what is it about grief that makes life so hard to live man. you lose a cornerstone to your life and suddenly everything is in shambles#and i know he wouldnt have wanted this for me. for me to be Barely functioning bc my brain has been so bad in response#im alive im going to work im feeding myself and showering every day#but i havent been doing the dishes i havent taken out the trash theres Stuff all over my floors and cat messes i havent cleaned#and i dont have the energy for any of it. i get home i eat and then i climb into bed. rinse and repeat.#im just... tired. im so very tired.#i keep wanting to turn to my hobbies to cope with things but it's so fucking hard to stick to#constantly oscillating between manic moods where i think i can finally start moving on (but i dont have the focus to do writing)#and depressive moods where Good Fuckin Luck doing anything besides laying in bed#if you couldnt tell im in the second boat right now. in bed as we speak. and so i shall remain until it's time to go to work#at least ive been going to the woods almost every chance i get. it hasnt given me the power to write but it's been good for me i think#get out of the apartment. experience nature. pick up a snail. you know how it goes.#i kinda feel bad for entering a fandom and trying to dig out a place for myself and Kind Of succeeding#i have a good handful of followers. people who wanna see more of my analysis and fanfic#but i havent posted anything significant in like a month bc i have belonged to the void. all month.#losing family will do that to a person i guess. doesnt stop me from being frustrated though.#negative/
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currently daydreaming about living in manhattan again. about how my free time could be spent wandering around window shopping or reading at a park. finding cute cafés and bookstores. just really absorbing the sounds of the city finally feeling content.
#i’ve got to start playing the lottery or something because that is the only way achieving my dream of living in nyc is going to be possible#i’m so fucking sick and tired of living in delaware. of feeling stuck and tied down to this place#i am so exhausted of living this life#i don’t even care if i have to work several jobs in the city. living there is my only dream#i want to make it happen but the only way is to become rich#i’m never going to be able to afford living there with the way my life is going right now.#i have hospital debt and i’m living paycheck to paycheck#idk what the fuck i’m doing with my life and there’s nothing i can do to change it.#no amount of budgeting is going to make affording a place in manhattan possible#and that’s heartbreaking. i’m so so dissatisfied with myself. with my every day life#i can’t stand this anymore#i hate it here. i hate the person i am here.#i can’t stand the thought that my life will only ever be visiting the city#mahattan is the only place i’ve ever truly felt at home#a place where i truly belong
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accidentally getting into mixology is dangerous for the kind of person who uses different specific drinkware for coffee vs tea vs GREEN tea and who has a glass she informally but insistently thinks of as The Milk Glass
#I actually also have a ceramic mug that I literally bought because it instantly made me go 'oh that's for drinking milk out of'#and that is pretty much exclusively what I use it for#it's the one intentional exception to my 'glasses for cold drinks/ ceramics for hot drinks' rules#on the one hand I'm not the kind of person to get EXTREMELY granular about this based on other people's made up rules#like... a wine glass is a wine glass I don't need separate ones for different kinds of wine#but did I buy a set of coupes for the wizard's nightcap after thinking about it for literal weeks? yes I did#we're overdue to put our holiday stuff away which includes pretty glassware we got as wedding gifts#and 90% of the time the non-seasonal glasses we have are normal and fine for the things we need drinking glasses for#but I just caught myself going 'oh no we don't own any rocks glasses that aren't wintry 😰'#because that's what the dragonclaw sunset was accidentally designed into and like... that's where it BELONGS#I've also had trouble every time I've ever made a gin and tonic at home tbh...#I've usually just done them in the hurricane glasses but that's not Correct and it FEELS incorrect#you see them a lot of times in rocks glasses; personally I think they'd be prettier in a highball-- but we don't own either :')#the aesthetic is a part of it! tastes better when it Looks Right 😔#about me#potions
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Normalize making pmvs based off days you’ve had two years ago
#okay so story/background idk#this is based off the time a few novembers ago me and my family moved my grandmother into assisted living#she’s been suffering from dementia for a really long time and it got to a point where we had to change#her living arrangement in the nursing home#it’s a really weird feeling because how she is right now is the way I’ve known and remembered her for most of my life#and both versions of my grandmother my parents bring up all the time#it’s a weird experience to be compared to her a lot and have them worry about her a lot and expect you to feel the exact same when all you#go off are what other people say#and vauge memories of your early childhood#and her belongings#it’s not that I don’t love my grandmother it’s just feels like I’m mourning a person I never properly knew#idk I hope this pmv communicates that.#if not idc it was still fun to do.#black dog isn’t even my fav ajj song I was just listening to it a lot during that time#everything featured in the drawings of her home are things she owned irl#she used to collect little pig sculptures :)
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.
#my mom keeps talking about how much she's going to miss me when i go to college and how im never at home any more bc im out w my friends#and im like. actually i cant wait to not live in a house where i have no privacy and i dont have to deal with you being drunk every other#night!! im so fucking tired of living under your surveillance and under your thumb!!!! being isolated and shut up in the house for pretty#much my entire childhood was actually a terrible thing and i wish id just been allowed to go to a normal school and do normal things and be#a normal person!!! with independence and agency and close relationships!! i didnt choose for you to homeschool me and its fucking me up in#ways im only beginning to realize! and im out all the time now bc i actually have friends now. i have people who care about me and like me#and i can confide in. and most importantly anything they know about me they know because i CHOSE to share it with them.#and she keeps joking about folllowing me to college and im like jesus christ there is quite literally nothing id hate more.#and last night she came into my room and talked at me for like half an hour and while she was saying how much how much shed miss me#she had her arm on my chest and i was so goddamn uncomfortable and i couldnt tell her to stop touching me bc she kept talking about how#she loved me but like. has she ever once respected me enough not to touch me when i dont want it. i feel kind of sick right now just#thinking about it bc she NEVER STOPS TOUCHING ME#'violation' might be too strong of a word to apply here but it feels pretty damn close.#like i cant stop thinking about/feeling her arm on my chest and her hands touching my face and i couldnt stop that feeling for hours after#im just so tired of her treating my body like something shes entitled to.#'you'll always be my little girl' no. im not a girl and im not little and i definitely dont belong to you.
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