#idk what the fuck i’m doing with my life and there’s nothing i can do to change it. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

reamed · 2 months

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ya know what I’m deciding not to give a shit if my job doesn’t like me missing work bcuz I’m in agonizing pain

#txt #it is what it is #fuck it we ball #like idk what else to do #and it really erks me that my boss thinks she has the right to tell me I need to go to the doctor #because bitch I’ve been all my life I’ve been misdiagnosed with stomach viruses utis and it’s never that #I’m not risking being misdiagnosed again. I’m waiting for my gyno appointment bcuz it has fucking everything to do with my period/reproduct #REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS #like hire more people if it’s such a loss when I’m gone ??????#don’t fucking text me telling me that “As a mom I’d tell my kid to go to the doctor😇 as if my parents aren’t fully aware of the pain I’m in #and have been fully aware since I was 10 years old #I know what’s going on bitch I don’t need to waste money at a walk in clinic for them to tell me I have a uti or my stomach is just hurting #u think jus fucking about with this shit. no I plan for this every month. usually it’s not terrible. this month has been hell #there’s nothing I can do to avoid it. I take meds and they barely do anything #i deserve to rest bcuz I’ve been busting my ass this year and last through this pain #i can afford to miss a few days off work. sorry yall can’t #I’m sorry for ranting this had jus been an issue my whole life. they used to grill me as a kid at school for missing #and it reminds me of that so much and it makes me feel like a child again #being told It’s JuSt period CrAmpS just TakE medicine #meanwhile I’m literally puking from pain #meanwhile my insides feel like they are blistering and on fire and my lower body is being yanked to the floor #ok sowwy I’m gonna go cry about it now

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johndonneswife · 1 month

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#just need to vent rq lololol #my wedding lehenga came out so freaking beautiful #but it needs to be taken in a lot like. i lost 6 inches on my waist since i initially had it made for my body #and everyone at the shop was like ohh wow good job great you look so great now you look awesome #and my mom was like oh wow good job that’s good you did it #like lol #i wanted to just be like #‘thanks i had to go to iop therapy at an ed center where they literlaly taught me how to eat food. like a toddler. thanks’#like i didn’t lose weight for an intentional reason but thanks for confirming you thought i looked horrible before lolol #idk i have been like every size in the book but seeing how much better ppl treat me when im smaller #i’m just like. :)#if my mom says anything about her body or mine tomorrow i will probably fucking lose it and if you see a woman in nj killing ppl on the news #it’s me. lol #it just really took me out of the experience bc i’m trying sooooo hard to be neutral about my body. and like. i don’t need to hear your #thoughts abt what i look like lmao #whatever my dress is beautiful and i’m so beautiful and i’m excited but i really do think i should be able to hunt ppl for sport #leave me alone #nothing you do can please ppl #when i was 20 and 100 lbs and killing myself and sick and miserable every single day my mom was also just like #wow you look great #meanwhile i was balding and fainting at the gym and failing my college classes bc i was obsessed w my body #text #also look at these cats that are just in luis’s apartment’s hallway like rofl who let them out of their apt!!!! so cute #my mom saying ‘you did it’ as if i was trying to do something made me lol #i wasn’t TRYING to do anything i just am healing my relationship w food and my body #bc i refuse to waste my entire life being bitter and miserable and ashamed of existing #like SOMEONE i know….#anyway this could be you too! if you went to fucking therapy!#i ate ny pizza out of spite after all of this #sorry some of you can’t enjoy a fucking carb !!!!!

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professionaljester · 7 months

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love being 25 and not knowing how to socialize bc i’m autistic and off putting and cringe so no one wanted to talk to me/wanted to be my friend growing up so now i’m an adult with very few friends or ppl i talk to on a regular basis bc i never learned how to socialize or text properly bc no one taught me how

#abc shut it #vent #i’m so lonely it’s not even funny #my talking to myself has just gotten worse in the past few months alone #i just want some friends i can do watch parties with and play games with damn it #i’m so bored and lonely all the time #my life has just been work sleep and chores and it’s driving me insane bc i have nothing breaking up the routine #like it doesn’t help no one texted me bc i was poor and had didn’t get a smart phone until is was basically too late :)#like i know part of it is the depression but #idk i just don’t do anything when i get home #sometimes i do art sometimes i game but usually i just lose track of time staring at tumblr and the next thing i know my few hours—#after work are gone and i have to go to bed #like don’t get my wrong i LOVE my coworkers but i need some more friends within my own age bracket #like is it to much to ask for a group of friends that will watch anime and movies with me in our own discord server #like is that literally to much to fucking ask of the universe can i be allowed to feel like an actual normal human being that’s connected #to the human experience for once in my fuckkng life #and not feel like some sort out outlier that doesn’t fucking exist to anyone #i’m to a point where i think and feel like i’m not even real! lol #like idk i would just like there to not to be days where i literally don’t communicate with anyone #and know what to say when ppl DO text me bc when ppl do text me i half the time don’t even know what to say #and forget the message is there and get to scared to reply after too much time has passed like #i know it’s a me problem that therapy would help but im terrified that it won’t #that i’ll just be going therapy and still be a lonely autisic looser who doesn’t know how to communicate without being off putting #or being too much

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milo-is-rambling · 2 months

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I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?

#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like.#what? am I missing something here?#my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day #but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both #gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a #bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of #being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even #with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like #go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m #afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make #this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s #so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room #and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until #my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and #that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad #anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know.#honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down

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arthur-r · 2 months

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what’s really embarrassing is my roommate on the phone with his mom saying “yeah i’ve been getting really sloppy i haven’t cleaned in a week it’s terrible” and my side of the room is just like that. all of the time. and i feel guilty but he also hasn’t ever said anything to my face he moved my stuff some at the beginning of the year but has never talked to me about it and i’m also so fucking ill that i just cant really handle adding that to my list while trying to also not fail school. so here i am being a terrible person i guess. did i tell you guys about turtle-person. have i showed my bracelets. i’m gonna go to sleep but in the morning i need to show my bracelets

#help i have work tomorrow. i also feel sick and strange. wish me luck #the sun was around today which was incredible but also i think it gave me too much mental energy #cause for the first time in forever i had the brightness of spirit to go for a walk. but that’s not the same as having the blood flow for it #so i think i overexerted myself cause of being finally happy and mentally energized i forgot about being physically disabled #i also had to explain POTS to somebody today and she was literally like ‘oh is that the thing where you need to have salt’ and NO like #i do have a really high salt intake to cope with POTS. but that’s not the fucking thing yknow?? like no that’s not what the thing i have is #it has nothing to do with salt. salt is a fun little coincidence that it can help with water retention which in turn helps with POTS #and it raises blood pressure is i think the other reason? but anyway idk i would honestly rather she just not know about it than have like #that very particular tiktok version of it like i am so glad for internet knowledge being spread and stuff and i mean. i guess even the posts #that i’m about to complain about are good for making people feel like they’re not alone. so maybe it’s fine. but i was going to complain of #the videos that are like ‘‘that one POTS friend’’ and it’s just like. salty food. instead of like. having to sit down?? BEING FATIGUED??#and like whatever. whatEVER but i wish it wasn’t getting conflated with one particular little way of treating it. even though i use that way #i don’t have needs-a-lot-of-salt-disease. like that’s not the point. that’s not the issue. it’s not a salt deficiency. salt just helps #and it doesn’t FIX it. it just helps. that’s all #ANYWAY EVERYTHING IS FINE. i feel sick though. but i’m gonna sleep and i’ll be fine #i miss before i had a job cause then i could sleep all day if i skipped class and it would be really nice. but now i have a job i would be #missing on my responsibilities for. and I don’t actually have accommodations. but im gonna sleep i’ll be fine #and library book cart is actually so rollator. like as far as being able to walk the library situation is such a win #anyway i’m gonna go to sleep now. but yeah idk i’m sick and a mess what else is new. but i have something whatever i’m good theres something #unrequited love for life or something like that. ok im gonna go to bed sorry for being weird and strange all the time!!!!#me. my post. mine.#delete later

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blueish-bird · 2 months

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sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive

#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy #been feeling weird as hell these past few months #like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days #or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day #idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this #just thinking #meposting #I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying #I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult #I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad.#whatever #I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that #dissociation #me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though #she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety #and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’#I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time #I’m so solid now #so stuck in the ruts of capitalism #fuck capitalism #I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled #sorry I love talking #and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn?#it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing #I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence.#like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5.#overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names.#can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school #bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude #I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time

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heartbreakfeelsogood · 2 months

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#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad #i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over #and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away #i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine #but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing #right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it #i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever #i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol #every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone #when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad #i never feel like too much good. only bad.#i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like #it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to #i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time #i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good #i don’t know why anyone keeps me around #sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person #the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :)#i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable #i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all #i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself #like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time #i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day #and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess #it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk #anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better #sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine

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rosicheeks · 3 months

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🤦🏽‍♀️🙃

#I can’t stop thinking about it #I keep replaying the morning over and over in my head #my friend said she thinks I should write a letter or text tell them #and I’m thinking about it #the more I’m processing it and it’s kinda sinking in #the more angry and offended and hurt I am #idk I know super vague post #and since you guys keep saying you like my crazy dumb Rosie rant posts maybe I’ll do one telling you guys what happened #I’m just still so fucking mad?#and she has NO idea how badly she fucked me up #she’s texting me like nothing happened and I’m like ???? ok sorry but I can’t just move on from this #anyway fun fact and update about me and my life #I’m looking into a php 👌#partial hospitalization program #if you didn’t know what I was talking about #so that’s suuuuper duper fun (hope you can feel my sarcasm)#but at this point in my life I feel like I need it #not gonna get into that right now cause ooofda one thing at a time #but this whole situation reallyyyyy set me back in my progress and healing so thanks buddy 👌👌👌#you are lucky I love your dog so fucking much otherwise I probably would never talk to you again #shut up rosie

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badolmen · 3 months

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So funny how trauma will just kick you in the fucking teeth with the most random triggers.

#ra speaks #personal #watched the most recent quintin reviews vid which like yeah I went in with expectations of the content #and it’s not like I actively avoid stuff that depicts/discusses abuse I’ve been going to therapy long enough to know my most sensitive #triggers and stuff. but…idk something abt when he got to the drake bell section just set me off something fierce.#I’m all nerves and stress and self loathing/misplaced guilt from my own past bullshit #like brain can we please cool it we’ve been over this for years why you freaking the fuck out now? (I mean. logically. I know why #and how trauma works and that I’m just having emotional flashbacks but still. ugh.)#brain please be real niceys to me I have a meeting in an hour we cannot be having a panic attack.#you’re safe you’re good it wasn’t your fault etc etc can we please go back to being an adult more than a decade past all that? please???#survived my meeting so I’m gonna vent abt this a bit more bc. let’s be real.#I don’t rememember a solid 3 years of my adolescence and it fucks w me sometimes.#I remember things before 4th grade. I remember 4th grade. then bam I’m in 8th going to high school. and like #I know logistically what happened. I know emotionally I hated/was so fucking scared of [redacted] until I finally left that fucking school.#it’s just. frustrating bc if I remembered maybe I’d feel more justified letting myself get upset abt it. but I don’t so suck it up buttercup #it probably wasn’t even that bad if you don’t actually remember it so pull it together.#hell for all you know it had nothing to do with [redacted] and you were just on bad meds/depressed and forgot three solid years of your life #after meeting [redacted] <- I am not convincing myself unfortunately.

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usedtobemygirl · 10 months

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I start volunteering at the cat cafe in a couple weeks but I honestly don’t know what’s happening and I need full instructions on what I’m doing but they said they’d train me on the job but I cannot comprehend verbal instructions so i think ill die

#wdym you’ll just train me on the job?#i only drink water idk how to make cappuccinos and shit #I need practice man .#my support worker told them I’m autistic but nobody understands what autism is so 😭#i knowww they’ll expect me to do shit I can’t do and I’ll try and do it bc I don’t want to look stupid #but then I’ll look stupid bc I’ll do it wrong #- my life #I lit would rather just be in the back rooms cleaning out litter trays and shit #and looking after the cats #I don’t want to make drinks and talk to people #lmao #they haven’t told me shittt I just went to meet the manager and she was like ‘ok can u start then’ and I’m like???#u know nothing abt me what #I guess I’m not getting paid so surely they won’t expect much #im just anxious #cos I just get everything wrong #and it takes me a lot longer to learn how to do practical things . so ppl think I’m dumb as fuck :(

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szczylpierdolony · 1 year

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regretting getting festival ticket. but i know i would also regret not getting it

#for different reasons #ig this is how i feel about every decision i’ve made recently #thinking about it makes me sick i’m so stressed out why did i agree to go #i need to kill myself but i can’t do that without a trigger and my dad hasn’t been shitty for a week or two #i’m just. the most unhappy i’ve been in months and there is nothing waiting for me that will make it better #i should’ve started taking meds again but i didn’t and now the prescription has expired #well. not now it’s been like 2 months #idk why maybe bc i don’t think they’d change anything maybe bc my family was weird about them #but the last time i brought this up with my mom she got angry at me for trying to blame her #like yeah shit sorry hearing you complain abt me taking medication affected the way i look at it #bc now she’s all for it but i don’t think i believe her #it’s always 'what do they even do they won’t fix you' bc i guess it never crossed her mind they aren’t meant to cure anything #but rather help manage everyday life #whatever i’ve been having trouble with sleep again too #i’m just so so fucking tired all the time and when i get home all i can do is lay down #and i fall asleep but it’s shallow and i’m just stuck barely conscious having dreams which i hate #i need to look if i can return the ticket

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fakeoutbf · 9 months

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#okay so i’m gonna throw myself a little pity party so skip these post if you don’t wanna know #first off: i should’ve moved for college #like i really fucking should’ve #like i know why i didn’t and i’m sure if i had make a decision again it would make sense to pick the same #but idk if i’d known that i could’ve gotten into a foreign university and somehow impressed them enough to get a scholarship then i would’ve #gone no question asked no second guessing literally nothing #and i’m not saying i didn’t like my college experience or whatever but fuck i’m so tired of living so far away from everything in a place #where i know i’ll never make a lot of money doing what i studied to do #and i know that i can change careers and i’m not forced to follow one path or whatever but fuck it’s so scary to think of the possibilities #i get so anxious just considering picking something else now bc i already wasted 6 ish years of my life in this and i’d have to start again #idk whatever point is i wish i lived somewhere else so i’d hopefully have better living conditions and so that i could go to more concerts #y’all music is such a big part of my life and it doesn’t look like it but it is and i’ll explain more in post 2 but #i missed so many concerts this summer bc i live in bum fuck nowhere and no one comes here (and the artists i like don’t even come to the big #city near me rip) and i’m just forced to see them announce tour dates to places close ish by but that i could never afford and i just #i wish i could go and i wish i had friends to go with and i wish i’d moved and i wish my life wasn’t so lonely and pathetic and sucked

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ddaengju · 1 year

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currently daydreaming about living in manhattan again. about how my free time could be spent wandering around window shopping or reading at a park. finding cute cafés and bookstores. just really absorbing the sounds of the city finally feeling content.

#i’ve got to start playing the lottery or something because that is the only way achieving my dream of living in nyc is going to be possible #i’m so fucking sick and tired of living in delaware. of feeling stuck and tied down to this place #i am so exhausted of living this life #i don’t even care if i have to work several jobs in the city. living there is my only dream #i want to make it happen but the only way is to become rich #i’m never going to be able to afford living there with the way my life is going right now.#i have hospital debt and i’m living paycheck to paycheck #idk what the fuck i’m doing with my life and there’s nothing i can do to change it.#no amount of budgeting is going to make affording a place in manhattan possible #and that’s heartbreaking. i’m so so dissatisfied with myself. with my every day life #i can’t stand this anymore #i hate it here. i hate the person i am here.#i can’t stand the thought that my life will only ever be visiting the city #mahattan is the only place i’ve ever truly felt at home #a place where i truly belong

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fingertipsmp3 · 1 year

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Would it be stupid of me to request time off on the day after the Eurovision final